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#like. dog can you be reasonable please
akkpipitphattana · 8 months
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truly if i explained some of the things my anxiety convinces me of, i’d be admitted
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yk if i didn't grow up in a constant state of emotional repression, id probably be a disaster right now
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note-boom · 2 years
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Just some thoughts again for this episode sorry but....
Kyouka protecting Atsushi
Tanizaki getting triggered when they hurt Kenji (maybe not as unhinged as he is with Naomi but HE WAS PROTECTIVE OF KENJI)
The way the water the ADA stood next to rippled as soon as they stood up and decided to choose the path that led to less loss of lives...a ripple effect??
YOSANO'S BUTTERFLIES ANIMATED I AM OBSESSED
ALL the character moments like Kenji encouraging the ADA, Tanizaki being frustrated and protective, Kunikida never letting any of them die, Yosano saving them all with her ability, Kyouka going back for Atsushi, poor Atsushi being so out of the loop -
I wonder where the hideout Yosano was going to take them to was going to be....
#also idk if this belongs in the main post but i am obsessed with the way each agency member has a similar aged parallel to them#like a parallel within the agency that really plays off the whole life/death symbolism#like yosano/ranpo....dazai/kunikida....kyouka/kenji....and atsushi/tanizaki#hear me out the first have yosano as an angel of death and ranpo in his backstory confront an angel of death#yosano with a bloodstained past and ranpo with a fairy happy one#and then obviously kunikida with his ideals for life and dazai with his ideal to die#kyouka with her past as an assassin and kenji with his past as a farmer (cultivating life)#and then atsushi and tanizaki being....rather extremists but also just slightly ambiguous where they stand in this dichotomy#like atsushi obviously seems like life and tanizaki seems to be death but theyre both...well there is something anyway#BUT how in the end all of them choose life (yes even dazai) and how all of them still understand the deadliness and death of the world#armed detective agency my beloveds honestly#i cherish them all so much#and also even though the similar aged thing doesnt really work out here im gonna say fukuzawa and naomi can be a parallel#for the sole reasons that both are here really because of someone else even if one is the pres and the other a clerk#but fukuzawa is all about 'you are CHILDREN please be safe'#and naomi is like 'im gonna die with you or not try and stop me'#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd season 4#bsd s4 spoilers#bsd spoilers#spitting nonsense#bsd musings#armed detective agency#rambling in the tags sorry
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the-busy-ghost · 5 days
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Me normally: Let people love what they love
Me, after a Test Match Special commentator expresses their belief that the new All Creatures Great and Small is somehow "better" than the 1978 version: This is pure insanity and TMS can no longer be trusted on anything, how can they even be trusted to know about cricket, do they have no TASTE
#Look it's fine that this show exists and people will watch it and like it and that's ok maybe it's just not for me#But that was like a statement purely designed to piss me off#There were lots of issues with the 1978 adaptation! I still vastly preferred the books any day!#And I actually initially had high hopes for the new one because they at least cast a Scot (albeit a Highlander not a Clydesider) as James#And the actors at least looked a little bit younger than Christopher Timothy and Robert Hardy#And thank god Helen actually sounds like she's a farmer's daughter and doesn't speak RP!#But from the half hour I've seen of it I've had to write off this new adaptation#For two major reasons#First of all there's Siegfried#Siegfried is one of the key central aspects of the vibe of the books and therefore key to any adaptation#Robert Hardy was too short and too old for the part but he lived and breathed the character#The twinkle in the eye bouncing off the walls and in and out of rooms followed by half a dozen dogs utterly full of life even when angry#But this new Siegfried is just sort of... Eeyore-esque; he comes into a room and you can see the flowers droop and the set turn grey#Siegfried was angry Siegfried was happy and the historical character he was based on was no stranger to melancholy#Since Donald Sinclair did commit suicide or rather self-euthanasia after Alf Wight and his own wife Audrey died#But this slow grumbly figure in the new adaptation is not Siegfried Farnon- the book character didn't grumble more often he exploded#And why did the adaptation give him a dead wife that's so weird? What could that possibly add to the source material?#And this brings me onto my second problem which is to do with women and age#Firstly I have no idea why they aged down Mrs Hall or at least made her look younger than a woman her age would have back then#But what really drove me mad was when Heriot goes out to see some old woman hill farmer in the episode I saw#And this woman is far too clean and young-looking and you can see that she's wearing 'natural' look make-up#And a perfect set of clothes that looked like they were straight out of the House of Bruar autumn collection catalogue#Say what you like about the 1978 adaptation but old women looked like old women regardless of whether or not they wore make-up#It may be that the better quality of television screens means that the 'natural look' shows up on screen more clearly than it would have#But natural look make-up was not really a thing in the 1930s and for old women Yorkshire hill farmers I doubt they'd have much on at all#They just don't seem to be capable of allowing people to look old and wrinkled and real or have bad teeth or unattractive clothes#And everything is far too tidy- everybody looks far too perfectly country and quaint#Anyway the moral of this story is of course that I always recommend reading the books because they're much better#than any tv adaptation; but if forced to choose at least the 1970s one felt real and yet didn't have to be grim either#Ok that's my rant over please do feel free to enjoy the show I just got annoyed because the opinion was expressed on TMS
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dayurno · 8 months
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do you think kevin is strictly more on the submissive side or do you think he can be dominant too... youre the only other expert id ask
oh yes absolutely he can be dominant! kevin can do anything he’s a superstar! i’ve said this before i think but my favorite kevjean dynamic is actually service top/sub top jean so i really do believe kevin has it in him :) i think everything and every dynamic can be achievable and interesting if done right, and obviously i want kevin to be nice to jean and pet his hair and tell him he’s done a good job. so. i also quite like it with kandrew because the idea of andrew resting his forehead on kevin’s thigh while kneeling on the floor once gave me genuine physical illness
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staraxiaa · 2 months
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lena. tell me ur kiribaku-in-a-different-font, violent-mc-who’s-a-hero-or-a-drummer fic idea. now. ♥️
ur actually the best. thanks for validating my need for yapping LMAOO ill drip market it in tags,,,
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cinnamon-bunni · 27 days
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NOT okay right now im thinking abt pokemon leaving scars on their trainers + everyday, domestic problems.....
#this is abt my top gun au btw <3333 which will forever haunt me even though im less likely to write it everyday </3333#like.....getting thin scars from rowlet as a kid which have now all basically faded to time#(though the ones gained as a teen from dartrix can still be seen)#while in the other hand always having angry red scratches along both arms because hes always holding up rufflet who fights like no tomorrow#(believe me; its better to hold him up and take the damage than put him down and let rufflet pick a fight with someone)#OR like....getting electrical burns because elekid doesnt know how to control its discharge yet. and the scars that stay bc of that#(which tbh is an ash + pikachu thing i would love to see)#or how one accidental poison jab from toxicroak will leave you utterly sick for days#(like serious he should probably go to a hospital or smth) and toxi just has the biggest saddest puppy dog eyes in existence it feels so ba#(its fine this has happened before he'll be fine. probably)#bruisings on your shins bc pawmot punches your legs to grab your attention or to get smth it wants....#rooms always being like ten to twenty degrees colder (or even more) when he has his ice pokemon out for whatever reason...#the reverse of that with fire types..... ough...#having to BEG flygon not to fly rn bc it starts a sandstorm every fucking time and it does it anyway#(PLEASE i took you out of your ball to eat dinner why cant yiu behave this one time)#and then dragonair fixing it to be clear skies again.....the never ending cycle....#any trainer who have pokemon that start sandstorm needing a pair of safety goggles for when they battle#(maybe even bringing a spare just in case or--if theyre kind enough--for their opponent to wear so they can see too)#dont even get me started on mythical pokemon interacting with the tg characters.....#anyway tried to stay as vague as possible for the characters lolol#bergmite is just a lil guy who wants to be carried around like all the other small 'mons....i am so sorry sweetie you are over 200 pounds#you cannot be perched on your trainers shoulder like someone else's rufflet can#having ice burns bc froslass tried to freeze him.....#anyway. can you tell i love pokemon#sorry to anyone who sees this in the pokemon tag </333#delete later#i feel like im begging on my knees for someone to ask abt my au....but also if they did id die of embarrassment from answering it...#the pros and cons of having a dumb little au </3#sigh maybe one day i'll write a fic... (<-keeps saying it but has written nothing for it (yet))
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carcarrot · 3 months
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BASEBALL GAMES ARE THREE HOURS?
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aftermathing · 5 months
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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They get their estrogen together <3
#JSBSJASVISSBKDCNRIFBFICBDK OKAY I GOT INTO MSA LIKE YESTERDAY AND FINISHED THIS IN A SINGLE SITTING TODAT#THAT IS LIKE BIZARRE. AND DOESN'T HAPPEN FOR ME#THE BRAINROT IS REAL FOR BOTH OF THESE THINGS SO I'M SHOVING THEM TOGETHER#Also it helps that when I first saw Vivi I was like :0 Holy shit that's June#I was originally gonna draw June in clothing more similar to Vivi's but I was like Ehhh what about casual and then this happened#The shirt is blatantly a lie but she got it back when one of her friends came out to her when she didn't know she was trans#(pick like any hs cast member you want as the person who came out to her they're all trans)#But then didn't feel wanna waste a good shirt so she still wears it. regularly.#Also her skirt is intentionally on backwards#I've never drawn June in any greater form that a notebook doodle vut I will be definitely be doing this again if for no other reason than#how much I enjoyed doing the clothing#vivi yukino#june egbert#mystery skulls#(<- Is that the right tag? Idk.)#homestuck#may i plz have an art tag#Like look at my you need to understand how much I relate them to eachother. Blue gals. Magical super strong dog is a major character.#One has a bat one has a hammer. Glasses. Dead friend(s).#Okay that's all I can think of off the top of my head and I'm sure I'll remember more later but please understand me here#I've literally never interacted with the msa fandom before plspls pleaseeeee tell me if I did any of the tagging wrong if I did ^^'
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get-more-bald · 11 months
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can they not just. see I'm uncomfortable? maybe stop talking to me
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ajournalingtrex · 2 years
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“how was your day?”
it’s one of my favorite questions. (it’s also easy to notice that it’s maybe always the first question of the day i ask someone). on both the receiving end and the giving end, i love it.
whether it’s the words of affirmation love language in me and i didn’t realize it until this break or that it’s been almost two weeks since i’ve seen so many of my friends i don’t know,,,, but i really love it when people ask me how my day was??? it makes my heart do a little butterfly flutter
it’s that whole casual intimacy thing that’s the same thing as wishing someone sleeps well. the i care so much about you that i wish for every moment of your day to be pleasant, even your unconscious hours. but it’s the step beyond that??? the curiosity about someone fueled by love?
i care so much for you that i not only wish you well, but i want to know how you spent your hours away from me in as much detail as you’d like to give.
it makes me so happy when people ask; if you know me well, you’re guaranteed to get at least one animated story about the day. it also means i get to hear from the people i love about what stuck out about their day, which makes me really happy to listen to. it paints a vivid picture of someone’s day to day life that’s honestly so valuable to me in knowing someone. loving people in the mundane >>>>>
i live partly for words. reading was maybe my first love, with writing as my second. i love expression, i love all forms of subtle and non-subtle communication. i love vocal inflection and facial expressions, how easily we can give ourselves away to a knowing eye (and it makes me weak in the knees when people describe how they read or perceive me).
and as i’ve grown older and more confident in my identity, i’ve loved talking. there are so many topics that i could go on about for hours—very little exaggeration there. (especially with a back and forth!!!) when i’m talking and it’s very clear to me that someone is listening (via body language, probing questions, and/or building off what you’re saying) it’s such a validating feeling. it fills me to the brim with so much love. it makes my heart soar. some of my most memorable moments with my chosen family are moments where i’ve shared something ridiculously personal and it was met with least the confirmation they were listening (though so much of the time they reach so far above that and it makes me cry).
(probably also why someone remembering something about me sends my brain into a spinning frenzy.)
but one of the most beautiful things about words are the innate desire for a return!!!! letters aren’t sent to be read and then shoved into a back drawer, never to be seen again. no!!!!! communication is a two way street love!!!
i love responses. i LOVE hearing other people talk. other people are so interesting!!!!!! please just talk. what i would give to hear certain people just talk forever. i love listening. (i try hard to be good at listening!! it’s one of the things i'm most conscious about.) i love when other people infodump. i love hearing nuanced opinions and i love personal stories. i love asking questions that people give thoughtful responses to. i love hearing things about other people. i love knowing things and remembering things. elaborate stories and simple anecdotes and personal details and self-proclaimed preferences make me so happy.
tldr; i just love words, i guess. i just wanted to write about words and how i love words and why i love words so deeply. (and it’s my blog damn it. if you got this far you clearly wanted to hear me rant about words).
and i miss people and i try so hard to love people with so much of myself. (and a surefire way to brighten my mood? ask me how my day was.)
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ghostofasecretary · 2 years
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tired of having painful allergic reactions to Literally Fucking Nothing
it only happens at work (so far), so is it stress or is it ambient Essence Of Dog or is it a secret third thing? i wasn't at work all last week and i had no allergic reactions, and my reactions have also been getting *worse* all week. i really think increased exposure to allergens is a big part of why i'm currently having. The This. but it's probably not all of it
whatever it is i want it to stop! hives are The Worst! my mouth itches! fblargh
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fingertipsmp3 · 2 years
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Was straight up Not Doing Well but then I met a cat and now I think I’m okay
#there was nothing specifically wrong with me. it’s just been one of those days#i woke up way too early for no reason and couldn’t get back to sleep and then my grandparents decided to read all the forms i’m bringing#to my job interview on monday (an application form basically) without asking me and ignored me trying to tell them ‘there’s no info about#the job in there’ and also straight up ‘please don’t read that. there’s no reason for you to read that’#i guess there’s no reason for me to be irked by it because everything in there is stuff they already know about me but like.. it struck me#as rude. and then they didn’t even put it back on the table where they found it?? they put it on a random chair#then i pretty much got ordered to tidy up#then my friend called me having an anxiety attack and i had to run over to her house to make sure the doors were locked (they were)#i also had to bang on every door and window to make sure neither the dog nor the baby had been left home alone by her mom#so now the neighbours probably think i was burgling the place. i had her on the phone so i was prepared to hand it over if anyone questioned#me but still. it can’t have looked great. at one point i was literally in the back garden yelling the kid’s name trying to prove a negative#anyway the kid and the dog weren’t in the house alone. so that’s good#but Then i went for a walk around the village (to help me emotionally deal with all of this) and i sat in the church garden for a bit#and a chunky black cat purred at me and came and sat on my lap. he had long claws so it did hurt a bit i won’t lie#i think next time i might bring an extra jacket so there can be a layer in between him and my thighs. he was very friendly though#i might also bring him a toy because i’m pretty sure he lives in the garden and i know at least one person feeds him but he probably doesn’t#have a ton of stuff to do. and i don’t want to bring more food because he really is Chonky#which i mean.. same but i don’t want to disrupt the balance of whatever dietary plan he may be on#anyway. i love cats#personal
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saritawolff · 9 months
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Phew. This one took, uh… a bit longer than expected due to other projects both irl and art-wise, but it’s finally here. The long-awaited domestic animal infographic! Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough space to cover every single domestic animal (I’m so sorry, reindeer and koi, my beloveds) but I tried to include as many of the “major ones” as possible.
I made this chart in response to a lot of the misunderstandings I hear concerning domestic animals, so I hope it’s helpful!
Further information I didn’t have any room to add or expand on:
🐈 “Breed” and “species” are not synonyms! Breeds are specific to domesticated animals. A Bengal Tiger is a species of tiger. A Siamese is a breed of domestic cat.
🐀 Different colors are also not what makes a breed. A breed is determined by having genetics that are unique to that breed. So a “bluenose pitbull” is not a different breed from a “rednose pitbull”, but an American Pitbull Terrier is a different breed from an American Bully! Animals that have been domesticated for longer tend to have more seperate breeds as these differing genetics have had time to develop.
🐕 It takes hundreds of generations for an animal to become domesticated. While the “domesticated fox experiment” had interesting results, there were not enough generations involved for the foxes to become truly domesticated and their differences from wild foxes were more due to epigenetics (heritable traits that do not change the DNA sequence but rather activate or deactivate parts of it; owed to the specific circumstances of its parents’ behavior and environment.)
🐎 Wild animals that are raised in human care are not domesticated, but they can be considered “tamed.” This means that they still have all their wild instincts, but are less inclined to attack or be frightened of humans. A wild animal that lives in the wild but near human settlements and is less afraid of humans is considered “habituated.” Tamed and habituated animals are not any less dangerous than wild animals, and should still be treated with the same respect. Foxes, otters, raccoons, servals, caracals, bush babies, opossums, owls, monkeys, alligators, and other wild animals can be tamed or habituated, but they have not undergone hundreds of generations of domestication, so they are not domesticated animals.
🐄 Also, as seen above, these animals have all been domesticated for a reason, be it food, transport, pest control, or otherwise, at a time when less practical options existed. There is no benefit to domesticating other species in the modern day, so if you’ve got a hankering for keeping a wild animal as a pet, instead try to find the domestic equivalent of that wild animal! There are several dog breeds that look and behave like wolves or foxes, pigeons and chickens can make great pet birds and have hundreds of colorful fancy breeds, rats can be just as intelligent and social as a small monkey (and less expensive and dangerous to boot,) and ferrets are pretty darn close to minks and otters! There’s no need to keep a wolf in a house when our ancestors have already spent 20,000+ years to make them house-compatible.
🐖 This was stated in the infographic, but I feel like I must again reiterate that domestic animals do not belong in the wild, and often become invasive when feral. Their genetics have been specifically altered in such a way that they depend on humans for optimal health. We are their habitat. This is why you only really see feral pigeons in cities, and feral cats around settlements. They are specifically adapted to live with humans, so they stay even when unwanted. However, this does not mean they should live in a way that doesn’t put their health and comfort as a top priority! If we are their world, it is our duty to make it as good as possible. Please research any pet you get before bringing them home!
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gallusrostromegalus · 1 month
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Move To A Darker Place
This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.
---
Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.
My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God.  He taught himself how to use his smartphone.  Internationally.
So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.
It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity. 
“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”
The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.
a.k.a: A Selfie.
“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.
Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.
“Oh. You should have said so.”  Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.
Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.
“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid.  My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.
Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution:  He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.
But I digress.
After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.
And here is where the real trouble began.
See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose.  While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.
He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada.  He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.
He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.
She looked back at him, and farted.
“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her. 
She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.
So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.
The System thought about it for a few moments.
Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.
“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”
He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.
“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.
Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System.  It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”.  He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.
As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.
“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.
“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.
Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room.  It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds.  Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled. 
“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.
Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.
“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan.  With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.
This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.
“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted.  The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.
Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.
“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.
He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone. 
“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.  
Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape.  She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.
“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.
To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!
“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”
---
I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.
It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times.  Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System.  It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.
“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy!  My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year.  I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”
He handed me the image.
My father was, technically, in the image.  A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair.  Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.
“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”
“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing). 
“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”
Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked  car?” he asked suspiciously.
“The very same.” Dad grinned.
“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”
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