#like. its even worse than it is the real world bc they think bc theyre online rhey can get away with everything

[astranauticus]

the rwd season 4 qna inspired me to start thinking about college au headcanons except a lot of these are gonna be really specific to my school and y'all are just gonna have to deal with that <3

Kyana feeds some of the school cats. she would feed all of them if she could

Dani smuggled Plug (the scrawniest black cat you've ever seen) into her dorm room illegally and somehow management hasn't caught her yet (based on a true story) (Kyana visits to see Plug all the time)

Finbar keeps an updated tier list of every canteen in the school with breakdowns of the best stalls/dishes for each

A senior from the school of engineering once said to me 'all the engineering people dress like rats cuz our classrooms don't have aircon' (context: tropics) anyway that's Dani

Kyana would probably be involved in a lot of freshman orientation events from second year onwards. she just likes talking to the new kids and giving them advice like she would be the kind of orientation group leader who'd get messages from her freshies asking about all kinds of random nonsense because she's made sure they know they can always contact her with questions

VR-LA is The Guy you go to for textbook pirating resources

(this is more of a 'wouldn't that be funny' but VR-LA is just Veerle's discord handle)

Docent is the name of VR-LA's old laptop that broke down so he gave it to Cassimere (computer engineering major he met once at a networking event) to fix except Cassimere got everything off the hard drive and then somehow managed to fuck it up Even More so he had to get a new laptop (and named it Emi)

Roy has gotten food poisoning from his dorm meal plan at least once (based on at least one true story)

The heap trio + Mandy would be those friends constantly playing majong in the dorm lounge and if all the majong tables are taken they just play in one of their dorm rooms on a towel to dampen the tile shuffling noises (it was Mandy's idea)

Every morning Dani goes to the drinks stall at her faculty and orders one iced coffee to the point where the stall owner starts preparing an iced coffee whenever they see her approach (based on my true story)

Roy would be one of those people who goes clubbing every other week and every time he tries to drag the rest of the heap trio and Egan almost always goes and Dani would go if she didn't have a good excuse but always begrudgingly. anyway Roy would always be the only one having a good time until Egan gets drunk enough to start having fun

Finbar actually uses the dorm kitchens instead of just buying canteen food and it always makes the hallways smell really good

Vhas also uses the dorm kitchen sometimes but like. one time i walked into the pantry on my floor and someone had left cut sweet potatoes and 2 eggs in an inch of water in a pan on the stove. that's Vhas

Kyana's constantly applying for overseas exchanges and international summer/winter school programmes. the world is large and she wants to see it!

Maxim's the definition of a hall phantom. you know he lives on your dorm floor because you pass him by in the hallways sometimes and literally nowhere else. sometimes you're not convinced that he actually exists

VR-LA and Maxim's friendship stems from them being from wildly different faculties (VR-LA's in STEM, Maxim's doing anthropology so arts/social sciences) but also having lots of weird interests they cant really bug anyone in their home faculties about

Elyse is in student government and every once in a while Finbar receives a series of angry texts about the newest idiocy she's had to put up with

MR-SN and AS-TR start a stargazing club together. other notable members include AS-TR's girlfriend E-DN, MR-SN's friend C-RA (the one who always volunteers to carry the heavy ass telescopes) and MR-SN's friend K-LB who he pestered into coming to fix one of the wonky scopes even though K-LB's actually in electrical engineering but he's the only engineering person MR-SN (an arts student) knows

oh and of course VR-LA joins because he genuinely just likes space (developing a crush on his club chairperson was not on his bingo card)

Kyana and E-DN were MMA sparring buddies at one point which is how she found out about the stargazing and joined immediately

honestly i can probably think of more but this post is fuckin long LMAO

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[mx-paint]

If your argument is "there are no people of color in [x] because I personally don't see this person as a person of color" than it's like. a faulty argument.

[professional-termite]

What Star Trek headcannons do you have?

*cracks knuckles* tng headcanons infodumping time (i havent finished tng yet but i have projected very very hard onto several characters and also made everyone on this ship bisexual bc i can)

picard:

worlds grumpiest polyam gray aroace bi man

i think if he had a grape fanta he would simply Die. not in a good way. actually any soda i think i could kill this guy with a baja blast

hes absolutely not dating riker but like half the ship thinks he is. also theyve screwed like twice but platonically dw abt it

hes dating both dr crusher and q. because i say so

riker:

TRANS MAN RIKER SUPREMACY!!! RIKER IS SO TRANS BC I SAY SO ‼️‼️

hes polyam and also arospec. i think hed like the label aroallo but gray aromantic allo bisexual is more accurate

hes dating like Everyone. data, troi, dr crusher, worf, geordi. my mans is absolutely rolling in romantic/sexual partners

he takes time to take every single one of them on dates catered to them and is absurdly romantic whenever he gets the chance. think rose petals and chocolate and violins

he doesnt ENCOURAGE rumours that he and the captain are dating but he doesnt DISCOURAGE them either

geordi:

pathetic little bisexual man. puts him in the oven

hes dating riker (everyone is dating riker lmao) and in a borderline romantic qpr with data (he calls data his boyfriend but also likes to clarify its not quite Dating since data is aroace)

data and geordi have sherlock holmes rp date nights. this one isnt even a hc actually pretty sure they literally do this in canon

worf:

aroallo bi worf is real and true i would know i was the enterprise

he acts like he hates rikers stupid romantic bs whenever he takes worf on dates (usually they end up just going to a holodeck and duking it out homoerotically afterwards anyways) but then he lays awake at night thinking about riker like 😳

i think he likes drawing skulls. i have exactly 0 canon to back this up but i think he would enjoy drawing skulls

data (can you tell hes my favourite lmao):

spends literal hours researching romantic/sexual relationships so he can be a good partner to geordi and riker even tho he considers himself aroace. usually comes up with something stupidly cheesy (even worse than riker) for dates and they both absolutely adore him for it

polyam aroace bi, and also he/him agender. because i said so

data likes to bonk his head on his partners as a show of affection. its like a kiss on the cheek/forehead except youre getting BONKED by an android

one of my moots (data la forge maybe?) said something about data purring and like thats actually canon as stated before i would know i was the enterprise

also he likes to lay his head on geordis lap. because I Said So

he is included in Girls Nights. he and keiko and troi and dr crusher all get together and he listens to their gossip while they paint his nails and do his makeup

troi:

troi tops. 100%

shes in a relationship both dr crusher and riker, and also had a thing going with tasha yar before she died

i think she considers herself poly bi with a preference for men, but she usually ends up in lasting relationships with women

i feel like she and riker are more of a qpr/fwb situation rather than a romantic one. theyre besties who are also soulbound and also love each other and also fuck nasty sometimes

dr crusher:

pansexual. did you see the way she literally did not care about gender when her parasite lover became a woman?? this is a pansexual

she likes helping data get ready for dates n stuff. they hang out in her quarters and she does his hair and picks out outfits and gives him advice

wesley:

him and his gf from that one episode (robin i think her name was??) are t4t. i base this on my Divine Intuition

summons a large eagle to carry him off into the night

q:

i want to call this man every slur i know. horrid creature. kisses him on the forehead

has no connection to gender identity or sexuality. hes probably aspec but identifies only as queer bc Q

he and picard have fucked nasty at least once. theres no way they havent

[juni-ravenhall]

updated these since the old ones were from 2020. not much is different, erased with white a bunch of options to make it easier to look at for me, changed some minor numbers that dont rly matter bc its not that easy to put those numbers down anyway.

some talk thats mostly about their relation to me and stuff about me instead of stuff about them below ⬇ (actually i should fill one of those out for me myself too. that could be fun)

i adjusted junis brother a bit focusing on just how hes like at the moment of having been rescued to jorvik, rather than thinking about his potential "real personality" if he was able to heal and become a more developed person instead of just full of trauma. i do want to eventually do something with the concept of what if he healed, or what if he hadnt been abandoned in pandoria to begin with? if hes intj like me (his behaviour is based on how i am when im completely broken down, which sadly has happened a lot in my life) then what would it be like to see him healthy and happy? its stuff id like to think about more eventually

also filled in that juni is enfj. back then i wasnt so sure what parts of her were different than me, over time i developed it and she really clearly became enfj. we both share high Ni aka my dominant function as intj but her dom Fe plays into the whole constantly being in contact w ppl thing - im also very caring and loyal, and i genuinely want to save everyone on earth and want everyone to be healthy and happy. i want society to be fixed (and ive got the ideas) and i want ppl to be kind and loving to each other. me and juni share that. but for me, i cant really handle talking to normies much bc their reality is just too different than mine. juni has no problem socialising with anyone, even if she ofc also has ppl shes the closest to and others who she might not get along with as much, its still easy for her bc Fe just has that harmonising feelings thing with others that i dont have (and being a dominant extrovert function, and not being ND, shes also not as exhausted by socialisation).

for me with low Fi i just dont really get much out of socialising for socialisations sake. its part of why i cant handle being on discord servers and stuff like that. i dont "vibe" with people in that way, i want to actually have interesting and intimate conversations and learn more about my friends, their backstory, their problems (can i help them?), their deep and genuine feelings (not stemming from copying others and peer pressure, group-think is extremely irrelevant to me and i dont view people differently if theyre supposedly in-group or out-group - im interested in everyone as an individual). for my whole life ive just been too different and for many reasons not been part of normie's society, so its just really alien to talk to normies. (as in, the abuse and isolation, the disability, the ptsd and depression, the queerness, and also just being intj, not really having a normal brain. i often wonder if the ppl who say bad things about mbti - besides the obvious "job and school mbti use is bad" yeah it is - have known what its like to just not be able to relate to almost anyone around you ever when it comes to personality. even online, even in a nerdy group, even in a place with ND people, even with queer people, even with disabled people, youre still different. you still cant relate. for me, finding out that im just a weird personality type was really important, and then i was able to study other ppl's personality types and now i actually get why people behave the way they do and why society functions the way it does for better or worse. which is a great thing to understand imo. the "omg mbti bad bc jobs and school and the tests are dumb" is one thing, but studying the functions and really truly diving into how other people function and how theyre different from you and how you all work and how the human history of the world has happened, is beautiful to me.)

as a low Fi person, with a focus on 1-on-1 connection rather than groups, i focus on talking intensely to the beloved weirdos on my computer, or posting my rambles and reading you guys rambles in return. u guys prob dont even realise, but for a lot of u, i remember like... u posting about ur job or school one time. what u posted about that u wanted to do or what ur upset about. i think about what ur ocs symbolise, why u write them that way, what part of ur personality and your lived experience, your feelings, makes u project this or that on characters. i think that a lot of ppl treat social media as a more shallow and "a drop in the ocean" type of thing, but for me, even ppl ive not talked to much on my dash, if youve been my mutual for some time, i think about you and remember things about you. if you post music i listen to it both to see if i might like the song but also bc im interested in what you like. i like learning things about people around me, the same way i like learning things about the world in general and spend obscene amounts of time studying and analysing the world both in its current and past. its an intj thing because its about my dominant Ni function, which loves analysing patterns and taking in information to process. but i dont mean that in a cold way, its an intimacy and friendship to me to learn things about you and understand you. not to "vibe" but to really know someone and see the puzzle pieces of their life. im very much about all the puzzle pieces that makes you You. im not saying its wrong to vibe and chill instead of analysing your mutuals like puzzles, just that this is something thats very different from how i am, and its been hard for me in life to relate to the way most people are.

idk if anyones reading this but some of you also prob noticed that i will pop out of nowhere and talk to you about some random thing you posted thats interesting to me, or send you a message of support if youre going through hard times. i remember when you posted that you were really sad and i notice that youre having a hard time when you post that youre sad again a month later. idk, its hard for me because im not always very emotional in a way that other people understand. i can come off as cold or quiet which in turn can come off as disinterested. but i just wanted to write it somewhere, to put out into the cosmos, that actually i care a lot about the little creatures on my dashboard and i hope that you notice even if my personality and behaviour is a bit different than what people are used to. people project mean things on me sometimes because im confident, for example, or because i stand up against things i think are harmful. because im not "loyal" if i tell a friend that theyre being rude, or im "rude" if im saying capitalism is bad. i can be projected as controlling (telling people "no" when theyre mean) or self-important (being confident in my skills and analysis) and other negative traits which is really unfair to do to someone just bc theyre different. to me i view everyone equally and i will tell off a friend if i have to, without meaning anything unkind by it. idk. ill stop rambling now bc its too much again (high Te will also do that) but i just have feelings and thoughts about that my beloved mutuals dont even know that theyre beloved and that my way of expressing myself is weird and its hard to live in society based around ppl who are very different than me in many ways. but learning mbti / jung functions was really great for me to feel understood and to understand others.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ALSO. DAMN. speaking of worm being a fucked up story and knowing not everybody's gonna make it. i'm curious. do u have like... undersiders survival tier list? i wanna know who u think's gonna make it or who u think might not. when ur done having shrimp emotions over brian fridge etc of course :]]]

MAN. WELL. I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE HAD BRIAN DYING FIRST. GOD. hes not even dead yet (which is worse btw) but with the state hes in i may as well count him as such. i cannot see a world in which they convince bonesaw to fix him here. ugahuhh.

ANYWAY. this is not gonna be in list order bc im just thinking out loud as i type so here does. if im so real. lisa has had not one but TWO death scares already *and* her power is the least offensive so i thought for sure it was gonna be her.

im tempted to say taylor has final girl energy because she does and she could have plot armor considering most of the story is from her pov but with all of the interludes showing the story could VERY EASILY be told from someone else... i would not be fully surprised if taylor dies eventually and we switch main characters entirely. i would not be HAPPY about this per se but i wouldnt be totally surprised. taylor is so fast and loose with her own safety in regards to everything i could see her throwing herself into some situation and not being able to get herself out of it (very funny considering rn she is paralyzed at the hands of bonesaw in view of the brian fridge. aha. taylor you are in danger) HOWEVER i think if this is going to happen it wont be until wayyyyy later in the story and also itll either be some dramatic blaze of glory or just like. inconsequential and to save someone else .

torn on alec and rachel. if you wouldve asked me this like a week ago i wouldve said id expect alec to die second but i dont know why exactly? just vibes i guess. rachel is so hit or miss bc i definitely think shes strong enough to survive but also. again shes got the whole putting herself in stupid situations because of her anger thing which would easily get her killed if she was up against the wrong person. and i think in a meta sense killing her specifically would be SUCH a major shock. especially if its like. sudden or short or offscreen or something. someone who gets built up as super tough and indestructable getting offed in a second. idk. i can see it. ALSO LITERALLY THE FACT THAT AS OF RN THEYRE BOTH TARGETS OF THE S9 and from the way their test is supposed to work, only one person can make it out of there. which means AT LEAST one of them will have to die if they dont disrupt the test enough. (<< if this happens im expecting rachel to be the one that makes it. i dont think she wants to join the nine but i think shes more likely to go through with it than alec)

aisha.. i do not know enough about to say whether or not i think she'll survive much longer. she has done some STUPID SHIT and seems rlly reckless and doesnt care a whole lot for her own safety but also. need more info on her!!!!!!!!!!!

[callieponders]

NGL sometimes I look at the crew's tweets about him needing to stop being in anger mode 24/7 and reintegrate into society, and I wonder: are we supposed to expect him to work through that by himself? Do we expect great emotional regulation and self-awareness from an elementary schooler in an abusive household? He absolutely shouldn't be redirecting his anger at the people around him (note: Hazel. she didn't deserve that ire at all and doesn't owe him any patience about it), but I can't help looking at him and thinking that he needs, like. I dunno. A therapist. An adult. Someone or something that's actually guaranteed to help him out a little. The adults present in the show... didn't seem very interested in doing that, despite seeming to know what his actual core issue was? Maddening. Anyway

(disclaimer before anything i say. i just need yall to know this show could be the worst thing ive ever seen and id still hope the best for the crew bc its their job and people need to eat alright. that being said i do enjoy the show, please dont take this as me saying they need to NEVER WORK AGAIN ala nostalgia critic style or something)

that wording is so funny though, reintegrate into society... the boy is a small child not someone coming out of prison

but seriously this is exactly the type of stuff im thinking, i dont really go on twitter much anymore because i dislike it so i wasnt aware of the things the crew said (and dont envy them because oh man this was a divisive finale it seems). i dont expect an episode like "dev goes to therapy" and the wacky adventures of him going to therapy or something, but im really hoping in s2 they have peri held more accountable for majorly screwing up here and trying to do right by dev with another chance given to him.

the frustrating thing is i cant blame people defending the choices because some people are genuinely really bad at voicing their opinion/critique, especially because it feels like a lot of people arent having the balls to actually point out peri, even cosmo and (frankly the worse one of the two bc she was so much harder on dev) wanda are a bigger blame for the situation with dev. of course people are gonna assume people are putting the responsibility on hazel, id also be defensive about that because thats a ridiculous thing to expect, but like nah its clear its not her responsibility. she is also 10 and has a world outside of dev, and dev SHOULD be held accountable for his actions in regards to lashing out at others around him when hes upset. the fact hes given more critique than the adults around him that are meant to guide him and help him is the bigger issue than that alone.

on that same note, hazel should also be held accountable for the same things, like saying devs problems werent that deep and having wanda, a FAIRY GODPARENT, basically agree??? also when she was like "oh friends work things out" i didnt hear no apology for not hearing dev out or at least for leaving him in the dark on if theyre friends or not. and the thing is i dont expect her to do that on her own, because shes 10, but theyre fictional 10 year olds who will have more maturity than most real kids either way, so like... yknow?

additionally its kind of a double standard either way, if you dont expect hazel to act mature, why on gods green earth would you expect DEV to??? and hazel, compared to dev, has people to guide her the right way and people that are patient with her, meanwhile dev doesnt get that, the most hes ever gotten is hazel and THATS NOT HAZELS JOB!!! im not saying the writers are claiming it is, its just that its frustrating that the writing has ended up with her feeling like the only person who really gives a damn yknow

[j2zara]

what if. j2 j3 and j4 all had uniquely terrible days due to a chain of events. j4 had to interact w porter for an extended period of time because j3 was busy helping jace (and jace spent the whole time yelling at j3 because. well. j3 is jace's least favorite.) because j2 could not get out of bed bc he was so miserable after his night being the jaceporter third. and theyre all so rattled and miserable that theyre like. should we fuck. it probably wont make it better but surely it cant make it worse

god j4 having to interact w/ Porter for an extended period of time b/c the other two are out of commission... her NIGHTMARE SCENARIO...

also i love that combined w/ my kinda Off Day im laughing bc im like i love that this is where ur heads at and i won't complain... so real tho like fucking won't fix the problem but it definitely wont make it WORSE.. something something its a bold strategy cotton lets see if they pull it off...

Just looking at this and this rly is the toxic cocktail day huh. And J2 doesn't even really get why he feels so miserable b/c he should be happy about this, right? He got what he wanted which was more than the other clones get. I do think even tho J3 had a bad fuckin day and he's typically kinda bad at taking initiative and his solution to literally everything in the world is like strip b/c its time to fuck or die, I do think he comes home and sees how miserable J2 is after he's done kinda snapping at him for sitting around and how he had to pick up the slack he's like oh. He's like. Really not on it today. In instead of his go to response being a little freak he just kinda holds J2 for a little while and it's really nice and it does make j2 feel better. It kinda surprises everyone that J3 knows how to pull out a massage for him while J2 just kinda lays there n groans (n tries to be normal abt it but honestly. Is maybe kinda turned on) n its like hey what i can put the work in sometimes.

and it's rly with no ulterior motive at all (b/c when j3 proposes other ppl take shit out on him he almost always does want to get something out of it too) when J3's like hey if you feel bad you can take it out on me. Its like. the only thing he knows so that's what he suggests. (and he literally he just got a fraction of what J2 gets on the regular so like he does feel bad. Jace is nastier to j3 than j2, like jace can be nice to j2 on occasion but he also doesn't deal w/ j3 as much so he is kinda spared from a lot of that). But he does try to make a joke abt it b/c that's what he always does like he's the one who can't keep it in his pants like. Do whatever you want to me I'll take it. Honestly it'll just turn me on. (N j2 doesn't really wanna take anything out on j3 but i do think a handy would get him out of his head a bit. And J3 is just excited to servicing someone else bc that means he doesn't have to think abt his own problems. who said that)

I know this is more of a like. Everyone Together situation (hello still thinking abt the j3 sandwich). and i DO think that happens n J3 is like REALLY excited bc it bc like he's in a bad fucking mood too and nobody rly acknowledges that he ends up being the bedrock in these situations like yes J2 takes on so much n j3 feels guilty he's not picking up the slack but j3 does end up kinda being the shoulder for everyone n its like. Damn i want something out to this too, i want out of my head too. So yeah the j3 sanwich is very exciting for him

But. This is such an indulgence on my part. i do legit think J4 dealing w/ Porter is her fucking limit in that. She kinda comes in slamming the door and J3 is expecting the worst from her (in a way that kinda excites him) n to his surprise she just kinda grabs him n starts taking off his shirt and pushes him against the wall n starts making out w him and is like no we're literally doing this right the FUCK now b/c i've had a long day. As is the fantasy high staple... she's getting her kisses in. And his brain is short circuiting b/c this is the first time she's ever initiated something with him without him being the whiny bored one like his weird like i definitely want you to fuck me but also im gonna be extremely coy abt what i want routine that drives her crazy but she usually caves to. Like holy fuck j4 is the one to initiate this time its not like i've been shaking over this n hoping this would happen and he doesn't know if its the day she had or if its him but he'll take it he doesn't care. After the day he had he deserves this too doesn't he?

[michinekot]

no bc the thing u mentioned in the tags of the dunmeshi post is so real bc like i personally hc kabru as trans bc i hit a lot of my fav boys w the tboy beam but the way fandom was like "oh i thought kabru was a woman so he MUST be a trans man" is so. so weird. like what did they mean by that. similarly i think izutsumis body dysmorphia can be read as tgirl dysphoria sometimes (ive read a lot of trans women who like izutsumi headcanon her that way with how she feels abt her body) but i also saw people he like "i thought izutsumi was a twink but i guess shes a (trans) woman" and its like !?!??!?! it feels so unnecessary to say. dunmeshi is a series w a lot of gnc characters and youd think fans would be able to be normal with trans headcanons but then suddenly theyre saying reductive shit because they perceived the characters gender wrong. sorry if this is incoherent i need fandoms to be normal w their trans hc and trans characters

Putting anon here because Vivi got this better than I could. it's not incoherent so dw!!! ty for the ask :) However! I do want to add my two cents:

The butch Kabru to tboy Kabru headcanons also piss me off because it just gives me "He's not a butch but if I make him trans I can still give him a pussy and let him get topped by Laios" vibes. Which I know isn't true in a lot of cases, go off and ship and have hcs that you love, but this is blatant transphobia. I want people to at least acknowledge that their first thoughts about him ARE/were transphobic. There's a fuckton of folks who feminize transmen, and as the post said too, those who feminize asian men- and Kabru unfortunately falls into both. ALSO I GETCHU WITH IZUTSUMI TOO!!! I hate it SO much when I see people disappointed to find out a gnc character is a girl and not a cute twink. It's even worse when they turn to trans hcs. Like fuck off, you might as well just say you'll never see them as the gender they Are.

And let me get to a very personal part, so excuse me for being stupidly angry about this: I rly dislike tboy bottom Kabru, which... is unfortunately loved by most of the english speaking fandom. First off, I don't think it fits his personality !!! He WILL top anyone, or at the very least switch cuz I feel like he's the type to want to please someone more than himself. And watch their reactions. I just wish people who hc him as trans would let him top... but no, cuz transboys can't top apparently, lmfao. Not to mention- it's a fantasy world, so hell, he could most-likely get bottom and/or top surgery. If people can turn into beasts then I'm sure they could get a dick through magic too lmao

I don't need anyone to agree on the last part tbh, but the rest sticks imo. Like Vivi said, it's infuriating that when we Do get gnc characters, people just can't be normal about them at all.

[psychelis-new]

do you think things would be more enjoyable if we didnt have the internet in todays world? every time I try to interact either someone shits on me for something that wasnt even wrong in the first place or in general theres just some very overreactive people on these platforms. personally i think older generations had it mildly better bc people werent trying to make themselves known online and instead they put real effort into things instead its like everh other person is a wannabe internet star and instead of people having real characters or personalities online theyre either a brand name or some type of idfk channel name

its like folk expect every response to be received well all the time or to be agreed on for everything they ever say online and if we dont then again we get shitted on for it which also makes it much less fun to partake in these varying subjects on multiple platforms that are supposed to be harmless fun for everyone to join in on discussing

the problem is social media is shoved everywhere and we cant not use these devices or platforms and if you dare ask questions on both tumblr and reddit its like its a shame if its the wrong sort of question to ask so i have to find another blog thats more suited for such questions or people rudely tell you to google it and so on without making extra effort to explain sometning if you dont exactly know what it is. even on reddit ppl have harassed me into deletion even if all i was doing was venting about shit and so i gave up on that site tried tumblr again but its not much different it seems and i tnink even tarot readers sometimes take it too literally or seriously as well thus making it less fun for others to take part

kids nowadays alsl wont ever know how much freedom we had compared to them as kids when we were completelt away from the internet and phones were barely big enough to text on so you couldnt even write a paragraph to people but kids nowadays they practically grow up online thus theyre more likely to find offence when there isnt one to find compared to older generations

yet we need these devices for communication but i feel like society cant really communicate well anymore or its so one sided bc its not face to face communication or usually its someone else trying to need something from others for their own selfish reasons. idfk social media feels more lkke being back in school but worse bc its anonymous practically and theres no conseuquences anymore u basically often have to admit defeat as well bc so many ppl act like they in the right when they can also be wrong or if something really isnt that deep, i also find the things i used to enjoy even music or basic hobbies is becoming either not my style anymore bc of social media or in general people making dramas about shit i dont care about makes music less fun and more toxic

ik u arent a kpop blog but i think something like kpop mightve suited older times better where the idols didnt have to receive so much backlash for every small and minor things but even music groups feel so formatted and less room for error lets put it that way or soon as one group does something mildly wrong people witch hunt that group or idol to no end. its like every other hobby or interest i have seems to always have a toxic one opinion fits all or one reaction for everyone type mentality and its really restricting and unhealthy imho. it always seems tl be about generating bs so people react to bs and from then on its like an endless chain of toxic dump until the next load of bs comes along

i unfollow more blogs than i can count bc of the misinterpretation of words and so on or in general if i find tnem to be too dramatic about things that really arent an issue but they made it an issue like the obsession people or kpop fans have with idols fs and so on. the internet is a toxic waste site at this point but theres no escaping it bc of how much we all need and use the internet as though its replaced our own ability to think freely. then the fast overconsumption of digital media in general is so unhealthy but we cant switch off from it bc of how normalised it is to need these sites and to need so much brief entertainment that does more harm than good to our dwindling attention spans and sites feeling more like echo chambers than safe places to find like minded people

sorry for my long rant but imho its getting ridiculous

Okay so woah. Where to start from?

Honestly I don't understand exactly what you want from me tbh, but I guess I will just try to give you another pov on your long rant and what you are observing/feeling? Not sure why you're here but yeah, let's see. :)

It's a very wide and complex situation the one we're living these days. The prev generation (not sure which one is yours but there are many different ones here -gonna consider 80s+ kids or so) grew up halfway between internet and running in fields, and having to confront others irl mostly. Not sure if this made them better though, just different (as times were different too). I don't think we can compare, and that's cause this younger generation had to grow up in a society where appearance and wealth is very important. Where you are judged and compared easily since you're born (or that's the main vibe at least) and everything moves fast: 1) social medias as you said, made us be reachable 24/7 and able to be in contact with everyone in the world, an occasion (or a "condemn", as you prefer) past gen didn't have [+ socials are the best and fastest platform (once there was only TV) where everyone -despite the market being now full and this making it hard to stand out from the crowd- can be seen and "get famous" (let's not dig the fastest ways you can, let's leave it as it is. As I'm not going to navigate too far how the increasing adhd has obliged people to rely on fast and short videos -eg. reels- to keep the attention span of those getting bored after a few seconds, probably out of an habit of being online)]; 2) online commerce: it really make us receive anything we want in a matter of minutes (think about lunch but everything really). And why all this is working so well? Because it's meeting a need of us: it meets the urgency we have to see results, be seen, receive, know, getting feedback (hence the misinterpretation when reading comments, which leads to misunderstandings and useless fights -sometimes we are also in a negative mood for others reasons and it may make it easier to others' misunderstand words/intentions -online we only rely on our ability of reading and it depends on our mood too and since I am here, can I suggest you to add some commas/fullstops here and there to make it easier to understand your words? thankies), urgency to answer/get answers too (fast reply/receiving means positive while if it takes time, it may be something negative for us -despite it's not so!). And when we don't get this, when we don't feel seen or appreciated (see haters or every slightly comment that is not "ily<3" -I'm exaggerating ofc, but please understand) especially in a short amount of time, we make it mean we're unworthy. We're bad. We won't be able to fit in in this fast world and we're gonna be left out and won't be able to come back in as it runs too fast. And if you're out of this world, you're out forever and will be forgetten (but it's just an idea we have). I think this is a feeling you are experiencing too to a certain level, despite being from a different gen?

This generation had to grow up with the prev generation's trauma on their back: the fear of the future, of not having a stable job that grants you money, of not being seen, of not being heard, of not feeling enough or worthy. This feeling of unworthiness is doubled because thanks to the internet there are more chances to be seen in the world, and if we don't feel accepted in all we are, if we don't make it now, it hurts x2. Not to mention that every comment one makes has a resonance that can potentially destroy anyone, even the person making it ofc, if they are caught (let's not dig the reasons behind hate, anger/resentment against others -generally still the same old lack of self worth and not being validated and appreciated by friends/family-, idols and such that take up the role of someone we rely on for comfort or to dream; someone that needs to live up to certain expectations; that needs to be perfect and if they fail, it makes some people feel better about themselves -online we compare to others either to feel better about us, or we just get crashed by fake lives and pics made just for the social medias: we forget people can decide what to post and how-; someone that, being a public figure, everyone has the right to know everything out of their life, to the point of forgetting they are people too -but it works for those nosy people to forget about their sad life, and that's the point of it all ig. Focusing on others to forget about us).

Back to youngers, let's suppose some reasons behind their behaviour (just to try to understand the bg, nothing else): parents usually worked 24/7 and didn't had too much time/will to dedicate them; maybe they were emotionally unstable people too, bc of prev 2gen having come out from WWII and similar situations too. Probably, this gen had distant parents emotionally, busy with job, not always paying attention to them if not for a little, but they were provided in other ways, and it may have created in them the idea that everything they want to do or have is right and they deserve to have it at any cost. That their parents can solve any problem for them, probably out of codependency and guilt feelings -for not being there-. And this acted also on the fact that basic human respect of others is not always present -whether it's idols or any random person they come in touch with online or irl-. I also think the internet offered this kids a way out of a situation in their family that may have been tough since early years. And it basically did the same for their parents, finding a new free life there out of their responsibilities and fixed roles, out of their duties even of taking care of their kids. So yeah, maybe kids simply learned to rely and internet and social medias and find comfort, validation and appreciation in it since childhood. Something prev gen couldn't do ofc: we didn't have this coping mechanism's chance.

Youngers these days (but not just them tbh, I think it's from past generations too), in whatever way they can, seeks others' validation, appreciation and acceptance, comfort and support. Something they probably hardly had from parents (probably got judged mostly). They probably just feel lost, but are trying to make sense of it all the best they can (with what they learned). Yk, if we get "pushed away" by others when trying to reach for them, we make it mean we're not good enough, we cannot be accepted, we have to be abandoned and we won't ever fit in. The internet, despite making us "closer" to everyone in the world, is also helping us creating more relationships based on the surface: getting deeper, knowing the other takes time, and we're back to the urgency thing (not to mention that getting deeper is scary, so everyone tries to avoid it)... And ofc it also helps us in not feeling too respectful of others as I was saying. But you said getting rid of the internet would be a solution and that you cannot see a way out of that system. I guess probably you're focusing too much on others and the outside, and not on what makes you believe so? For example: the fact that you feel not appreciated or not welcomed when venting online or asking a question, makes me wonder if you don't just feel lonely? I'm saying this cause of the asks bit you wrote: sometimes we ask others also things we could find online just because unconsciously we want to connect with them. We want a "human" answer. And that's perfectly fine ofc, but maybe not everyone will be able to see this. And we cannot pretend this much... we cannot pretend that others can read our mind or will react to us in the way we want (not saying you were wrong and others right: I have no clue of what happened, I cannot say. But I can say at times we want to feel accepted and seen as good enough and to do so, we may try to correct others/save others, and yk... not everyone will like it. It's not a matter of generations tbh). Also, yes maybe we have lost the ability to communicate, as communication is not made to reply, but we need to first listen and understand the other (while recently we communicate to reply and be right -it's probably a need we have again, the need to feel right and not wrong, maybe we were made feel wrong for too long and we need to be right and in control of things to feel okay and safe?), but... whatever.

I think right now you're probably too hurt by not finding the right way to communicate with others and creating connections, of being seen the way you want, to maybe realize that you can get out of internet and social medias and find connections irl still. You can do anything you want of your life and since you keep suggesting everyone should think with their mind, do it! If you need to get out of here, don't let the internet drag you back in and make you think you cannot do without it... or find out why you need it still. Cause it feels like you want to get out of it but only if everyone gets out if too... am I wrong? TBH a break, at this point, is what I am suggesting you to take, to help you feel better and see things from a different perspective (it works for me to ground again). Or maybe find an offline hobby that will keep you interested. I promise you won't be left out of anything important. You'll find new memes and people to connect with when you'll be back (and maybe they won't be so feral or you will just stop giving their words importance: they're still strangers, people you don't really know or have to interact with, you can let them be angry and still find your own safe place online. It's big here, just find what works for you and be happy. Just remember everyone has their opinion and it feels like they always have to share it, no matter what... get over it or keep sharing yours as well). One last thing: I am honestly really intrigued by the part you wrote about tarot readers not knowing the people behind the screens. What do you mean? Ofc we cannot know the whole world in person, but when you find your reader, they will know your energy. But ofc, you need to believe in this, or it won't work. ;)

I hope you will find a way out of your loneliness and not be so resentful against people that probably are just not for you. I think the moment you'll find out again what you want and what you are searching for, and reconnect with who you are and not what others are saying of you (indirectly, with their reactions to you), all the positivity you have within, you'll attract the right people in, whether it's online or not.

Oh btw, I honestly think the internet is still an occasion we have to make things better in many different fields (let me mention medicine, for example). I think humans are able to make everything they create to be great or terrible. It's all up on the use we make of what we have. If we use the internet to hate others or try to scam others, it's awful ofc. But if we use it wisely, to share good stuff, it's a great chance.

All the best Take care!

[raven]

what video games would u recommend. based on me seeing ur posts and thinking ur right even though i never know what youre talking about. also i have dogshit taste but i have good taste actually but its bad

OMG

hop on backloggd heres mine and heres my buddy rory's bc they make points too and are generally more serious than me so if you want to be serious u can go there. More under the cut bc i cant shut up 👍

otherwise my pretentious but #real and #true recs that i genuinely think everyone should play are disco elysium, pentiment, and kentucky route zero.

"theyre just good!" - who's lila?, the world ends with you, return of the obra dinn, hylics 2, portal 1&2, ghost trick, outer wilds (however outer wilds may be difficult for whatever reason- i recommend hollow_tones on twitch's streams although she has not streamed the dlc!)

series that have taken over my life for periods of time, for good or ill - dragon age (2 is my fav, all are worth playing, inquisition is dogshit storywise but has good gameplay, centrist liberal writers that make u want to bomb a church (for the record @ fbi this is a reference to the events of one of my favorite characters in the series, not real life. he was justified), ace attorney (1-3 are great with some questionable moments but apollo justice is the best overall game, 5&6 are some of the worst games ive played in my life, and the great ace attorney... exists), and persona (UGH). i can go more in depth about any of these, but i will go more in depth about persona because thats my current disorder and because theyre the most problematic, LOL. but dgmw da and aa are also problematic in many ways

persona - ive posted about it. im realizing i didnt talk about the misogyny in that post because i thought it was well known honestly but like. my god. the misogyny. especially persona 5 royal. dont play 4. or do, bc i need anyone to suffer as i have, but im serious. i feel like whatever people say, its worse. ive also posted about 4.

if you want to lose a week of your life in a "game for 16ish hours, sleep for 8ish hours, repeat" cycle play baldurs gate 3. its a fun game it takes up your time it has great mechanics! do not pay attention to character discourse baby.

if you like good gameplay, play dishonored 1&2

if you don't like good gameplay, play morrowind (this is kind of a joke in that i dont actually think morrowind has bad gameplay, but it still can be tedious.)

if you don't like good gameplay, play the persona 2 duology (this is not a joke, the gameplay in those games are actually bad.)

if you like gameplay, play any katamari game

also gonna plug one of my favorite genres, nonlinear visual novel adjacent games (lots of wordy, story-based segments but there are actual gameplay portions) these games also are not necessarily "good" but they are "fun": 999 (play on DS!!), ai the somnium files (note that this and 999 kind of require a... specific taste with the sexual humor) these games did have sequels but theyre all pretty bad for various reasons but check em out if you enjoyed the originals, paranormasight (one of the best ones in this genre imo), gnosia, 13 sentinels

also i have not hopped on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL) but i am about to hop on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL). and i am currently struggling against the current playing smt iii nocturne.

also, games that i have not played but interest me storywise and deserve honorable mentions are baroque (not really planning on playing but planning on watching stuff), pathologic classic (played a little and watched a full playthrough years ago, probably will get back to one day), pathologic 2 (never completed), fear and hunger (played for a few hours and decided to watch a playthrough instead), and fear and hunger 2 (not played but planning on playing bc ive heard its a little more user friendly than the original!)

so thats video games.

[orgelposting]

bc of my idol spinterest i am quite fond of when jpop starts referencing kpop or the other way around i just think theres a point where it starts feeling more like youre trying to make money off a trend (this is with jpop referencing kpop in specific) rather than just like an Homage and it starts being deeply annoying to look at

i think a good example of doing it in a way thats Right is probably shhis bc their music is #1 good(for the most part fuck oh my god) #2 its not limited to just that one specific genre of terrible fucking edm #3 listening to their music you can pinpoint their influences and these choices that are made feel like theyre done by people that actually know what theyre doing. fly and flys intro being most likely a reference to after schools bang is so COOL to me because not only does imas actually have connections to after school (one of the members being on imas kr) but also referencing something as old as that feels like an actual appreciation rather than just a money grab compares to like oh my god just being a worse version of aespas black mamba

i need to edit this to include Motto which is essentially just a twice homage with the choreography referencing twice choreos and the mv having a location quite similar to one in the likey mv(iirc) and the song being so distinctly early twice that when i heard it for the first time my brain automatically put the TWICE! in the intro. and also idolish7s poisonous gangster which i dont actually care a lot for that song but its made by someone who worked with shinee in the past and the song is very obviously inspired by THE SHINEE WORLD DOO BOP out of all songs and its really fuckig funny to me

on the other hand theres like countless examples both in real and multimedia idols that are either Objectively good but have that distinct Youre trying to make money off of me feel (eg enstars' ruby love which if you listen to it its very obviously meant to be kpop inspired and is made by someone who has worked with nct but also it leaves me with a weird taste in my mouth bc it feels like You Are Trying Really Hard To Market To Me) (or like ldhs iscream whose music i really enjoy but it still leaves me with a weird feel) or the worst outcome which is Terrible song AND youre trying so fucking hard to market to me (48gs trying to do kpop inspired singles, criminally dinner, that one love live song i forgot its name for some reason my bad, etcetc theres way more im too lazy to think of them right now)

also like deresute doing the sheincore kpop gg outfits for fav+rica even though 1 of these characters dresses in decora kei and another is a FARM GIRL still pisses me off so bad like are you insane

[wulvert]

tex's dad is so oily im convinced if it started raining he'd just start floating upwards. like oil does on water. also i just noticed i dont think he even has the synthetic skin that would stop him from becoming toasty. he's so pathetic he doesnt need masks OR fake skin to protect himself. his ass is NOT going outside. actually as i was typing this i realized he may use the stupidly expensive sunscreen. HE'S EVEN MORE OILY...

but also this makes me wonder. are the uv rays from the sun in triptrack so powerful the moon also burns people since it reflects the sun's light. or could people theoretically go out in the moon without protection n be fine? i think red has done this numerous times now that i think about it. but im still curious!! what if full moons make increased uv or something!!

nd just because im curious. is there any romantic intention between any of the characters in triptrack (besides (formerly? i need 2 know more abt them,,,) tara n her ex) or are they all just chillin'.

nd finally. ehehe i love this guy

(ALSO THE DETAIL OF TEX'S DAD BEING SCARED OF THE POSSUM WHFWJFQIDQL. ITS CLEANER THAN HIM DESPITE EATING TRASH!! HE'S MORE LIKELY TO HAVE RABIES THAN THE POSSUM NO WONDER HE'S SCARED OF IT,,,HE'S ENVIOUS. AFRAID OF ITS POWER.)

hes sooo greasy but clearly i didnt make him greasy enough bc ppl in the comments still want 2 smooch him as if he wouldnt leave a residue. he doesnt go outside, ever. like in the last 20 yrs.

I'd say the moon gives off about as much uv as our normal like real world sun does on a sunny day. red should def be careful about having his mask off at night bc of his skins condition but he feels ok taking it off for a minute or so- he doesnt really feel like it can get much worse on a pain scale but its probably best not to exacerbate its wounded-ness for like. being alive reasons, hes rly surprised it isnt completely infected. so yeah its fine! should still wear sunscreen as you should irl but like just 50 spf. and full moons being higher uv is a cool idea actually!

so the only romance romance is tara & tex's dad's (he has a name idk why im avoiding it its just mr. toad) former marriage, but like also, to me, personally, tex & red are like friends but like theyre not romantic but theyre not just friends. its complicated. i guess thats more a like post canon thing bc they dont rly know each other very well atm

other than that theyre just chillin, i appreciate ppl who ship mouse & mits though- i think thats fun.

the opossums name is possum if anyone cares. if anyone wondered. he wasnt a planned character i just drew him in the dumpster and didnt want him to go away.

[summonhouse]

tell me about sweetheart. i see you tagging them a lot

SWEETHEART gets tagged so frequently because she is SOOO funny and also bc so many of the posts on my blog fit her theming so well its hilarious. its freaky. i think youd like her what with the robots and such tee hee. oh god this got long i summarize the entirety of the rp campaign she was for and its way way way longer than what ive got down even

art by lazer god i hope that loads!

i posted her recently in the context of her being an au of lawrie where she was made for a friends roleplay campaign and world (westal bay), so shes tweaked from the lawrie formula just slightly but keeps the core concepts- shes a robot, but unlike lawrie who was commissioned to be a son, she was created by a lonely little freak who wanted a robot girlfriend (unfortunately for him, she is male. she/her mlm winning 24/7. so now hes gay.), however the technology to make a sapient person from scrap metal got the attention of the jeff bezos of westal bay and sweetheart was taken from him and instead placed in the hands of a couple of terrible lawyers with her memory wiped. shes told now that shes human and their son despite her rampant memory loss, and even with all the holes in her brain all she can remember is vague impressions of nathan her creator- of course not knowing shes a robot, she assumes these are not memories but premonitions and that hes her soulmate and she goes A Little bit crazy as her parents neglect her and she is allowed to sink fully into delusions and fantasies about her beloved boyfriend

art by apotheoseity, dm of westal bay and writer of nathan. so swart (i call her swart mostly sorry) starts off the campaign as goofy, ditzy, real stupid. shes rich, she knows capitalism is a scam but cant do much to change it though she wants to, shes overly kind and naive and just helpless, she desperately desperately DESPERATELY wishes to assist people because she is so delusional she believes shes some sort of divine beast sent upon the earth to save everyone, because she does not identify with humans. she along w the other player characters are hired to investigate various strange and upsetting happenings around their city (westal bay) WHERE she nearly immediately gets dragged into a cult. because of course shes prone to religions indoctrination, shes very very lonely and she thinks everything in her brain is so much realer than the depressing and cruel reality around her and they tell her SHE!! can be their savior. she is manipulated into drinking the blood of a desecrated and juiced god, which is a procedure that SHOULD kill her horribly, overabundance of magic tends to do that. but. because shes a robot, she can handle it well and gains magic powers :) this further influences her terrible delusions and everything quickly goes downhill- the rest of the team are disgusted by the cult and swarts support of it, swart doesnt have it in her to refuse the cult now because shes already drank the koolaid as it were, she NEEDS to help people as they learn that the city is so much more corrupt than they thought- major labs working with the cults and experiments to try and create new gods are abundant. DURING one of these excursions into a lab shes told straight up that she is a robot, not a person, and in fact just a prototype as the jeff bezos is forcing (unknown to her) her boyfriend to make more of her as companions like theyre fucking furbies, so she just goes full fucking tilt. sooo much anguish around her and everything she tries to investigate or helps with just gets worse, her teammates dont really like her, at most they feel bad for her, and eventually their investigation leads her back to nathan finally where thats like. thats where its cemented that she is Fully fucked up bc she and nathan will do aaaanything for each other, they love each other desperately. even kill :) final conflict of the campaign as all the terrors have been uncovered is that nathan steps up to the plate on fixing it, AT SWARTS SUGGESTIONS, by killing everyone in their way so that he can uplift swart as god and remake society !! makes a big murder robot, murders mr jeff bezos, tries to murder the prime minister but the team finally bands together to stop him as his robot begins malfunctioning and trying to suck his soul up- everyone has to drag swart around and make emotional calls to her to stop trying to help nathan as he fully fucks people up it was so. so good.

im really really obsessed with her, i could go on and on and on about her characterization and every little interaction she was in but ofc theres little context bc, private rp haha. but god... she asked nathan once why he made her and he just said, i dont know, i wanted to see if i could. imagine that! her lifes so much of being dragged around, set up on a pedestal and ascribed traits- this is a cool robot i could make! this is a cool boyfriend who has to love me because im all he knows! this is my son who will look and act exactly like us! this is our new savior! this is the prototype for our new project! shes subject to so much scrutiny and she cant even do anything, its everyone around her deciding what she should be and what she should do, she'll listen to any suggestion because she feels so hopeless- its why she keeps doing evil shit, she literally just wants to help people and being told maiming others does so shes like yeah that might be true, i cant do literally anything else! shes so peppy and sweet and optimistic, she knows everyone deserves better but by the end shes so tired and broken up she just wants to kill people so that the obstacles in the road from her big happy ending get out of the way- she thinks life is like a fairy tale and there ought to be one big bad guy to be killed in a glorious just manner. in the end though, everythings ok. nathan gets therapy or something and her parents are arrested so she owns their big stupid mansion, and she invites all of her new friends to live with her, so shes probably learning how to act like a human right about now XD. heres some more of my favorite art of her!

aaaand heres her toyhouse with a more full and properly written description of her story- i dont think its been edited since the last session though hmm https://toyhou.se/14625750.sweetheart?key=2jaB07sEHwA2coD

[straykats]

anyways hi guys i love u all here are some thoughts ive had

on ocean vuong and my own writing. i'm revisiting vuong's works for an assignment (bc i suddenly have the opportunity to centre an entire project around it the way that i want to hehe) and i think i'm realising how much he's influenced ymy writing fr? obviously not like. the stuff i post/ed here but the stuff i've done for my writing classes. i've acknowledged his work/s as inspiration, but mainly in the 'his use of the vietnamese language...' way but i think my writing style in general leans towards his as well.. and idk how i feel about that? i'm not saying i write exactly like him or as well as him (god no) but the tone? but i do want to believe that i've written in That Tone and Style before (im pretty sure i have, even before reading on earth) but im scared that im 'copying' his style. idk. i really do love the voice he uses when he writes, the way he poses questions and presents ideas. yes i would love for my writing to affect people the way his has affected mine. but i don't.. i want to still have my own thing, that isn't mine just because the reader hasn't read vuong's works? and ig its all about pov and interpretation at the end of the day - it all lays in the hands (eyes? mind?) of the reader/audience how something is interpretted, irrespective of creator intent - but i'm stil lconscious of it. idk. hm. smth to consider when i write later this week ig.

on my own writing (in general). i think i really do lack so much faith in myself. the feedback i've gotten back for my writing assignments have honestly all been beyond what i ever thought i could get (?????? fckin full marks last sem???? and this sem, a HD even though i gave it so little thight????) but i still don't think. i'm like. capable of pursuig writing in any capacity. i know one way to kind of 'venture out there' and find out how i fare 'in the real world' is to apply to comps and lit mags and stuff but i just. ahhhbhdsvhsvsvs when i think outside of the uni context i just don't think i have it in me but again, i realise i just need to kind of start applying to and entering stuff but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

on crushes and relationships. sometimes i have like. Thoughts. like just passing 'oh i hope they think of me' or 'oh i hope they (only) do this to/with me' etcetc and i'm like. oh okay maybe this is what a crush is???? because in school it was more of a. like. the people i was conscious of were people i was being teased about, so i was conscious of them and had similar thoughts but not.. the way i do now? like. i was just worried that the other person would feel a certain way about something, or would only do something with me, would treat me differently etc and then people would notice and then the teasing and the rumours etc would get worse. but now im like. just thinking it myself. no anxieties other than 'oh is this weird' 'what if this is a crush? what if i actually have a crush on my friend/s????' (yes plural okay wait i'm getting to that soon) and idk like. the whole realm of 'romantic or platonic?' is not an unfamiliar one. but it being familiar does not mean i have an answer sigh. anyways. why plural friends??? (and additinoal question, which i wont explore here, but whats the general opinion on having multiple crushes? is that a thing? i know polyamory is a thing, but im not looking for or want a poly relo. is it even possible to have multiple romantic crushes at once? does that mean theyre NOT romantic? anyways. moving on.)

the one male friend who i am very conscious of having these thoughts about: we're not exactly childhood friends, but we were friends in childhood..? as in, we went to the same school. forced friendship kinda vibes. friends the way the majority of people in a primary schooler's class is their friend. but then i moved schools and ended up keeping in contact with him (amongst other primary school friends) and then we had serious/personal convos? and then we stopped talking for 5-8 years (memory sucks okay sorry) and then. now we work together and long story short we do share a friendgroup? but i'm not super close with him and idk if thats just how he is but ANYWAYS like do i just want us to be closer friends bc i ??? idk like i do wanna be closer friends w him uh guys this is actually EMBARRASSING

my best friend: okay look im more accepting of the fact that i do not (currently?) actually have a romantic crush on her but also like. what if i do and i just dont realise it and one day i realise it but its too late bc she'll be engaged fr (she has a boyfriend rn and i'm chill w it? sometimes i think smth about them and im like ??? wait huh is this jealousy or smth??? but then im like no its literally not) but yeah idk its 1am rn and my head isnt working so tldr; im pretty sure i dont have a romantic crush on her but i also do wish our friendship was more phsyically affectionate, the way some of my other female friendships are? and i think thats what confuses me? she's aware she's not a physical person (even w her bf) and we're aware that i am NVJKNVKS hm idk im making sense in my head but i dont think i am in writing

anyways them two^ do be the main ???? but im also like. what if im just wanting a different type of friendship yknow. like how much do i want. at what point is it no longer wanting a closer/different friendship, and is actually wanting a romantic friendship? how does one 'develop' romantic feelings??? im so confused man i wish there was a diagnostic criteria for these types of things. i cuold write a whole thing about rom/platonic relationships and confusion. maybe the confusion is a sign in itself (maybe im aro? but the idea of an (intentional and sconiously) romantic relationship is so neat and comforting and i??? but what if---- what if i just lobotomise myself fr feelings are so confusing

on the home situation [cw: fam neg, divorce, mental health?] mum got a house and she wants me to move in with her, if not both myself and my brother. dads kinda being a dick about this whole thing, but i also understand that with the way it happened, hes probably got a lot going on mentally. i don't like.. i don't like being able to understand and think about others the way i do. i become too conscious of the (possible) reasons why someone is acting the way they are. i get too empathetic and understanding and i don't know how to draw lines and do things with myself as a priority. i can't make choices that put my safety and wellbeing first, because i understand why everyone wants what they want and why they need what they want. i might even be extrapolating and overthinking things to the point that theyre not even half truths anymore. i'm so scared to make choices and hurt people because i've grown up with such strong fears that all sorts of bad things will happen if i do this or that, if i make someone feel a certain way. and theres a conscious part of my brain thats like. well. conscious that i need to Snap Out Of It and realise that i cant keep thinking and living like this and i need to prioritise myself at somepoint. idk i have a lot to say about this but i think it would need a sep post on its own. and better analysis of content post-writing to identify relevant warnings. hm. anyways. times do be tough.

on stationary, desk set ups, and productivity. this bits just for funsies but ive recently been kinda obsessed w the spiral notebooks that u can like. refill/replace paper etc and i think theyre so neat so i got a bunch of different paper packs and also folders or whatever BUT ive been too scared to use them? last week i tried to start like. daily planning and semi-journalling and i drew up september in calendar format or whatever and then a daily task thing w time schedules etcetc (trust okay the vision was visioning) and i knew i probably wouldnt be able to this daily but i could at least do it some days and try and get into a pattern but anyways yeah have not looked at it since KFJJKFNJSKNFSK. but i'm using the paper/folder thing now for project development (assignment) and i also want to have one dedicated to references etc (like an annotated bibliography kinda thing) bc a lot of the work i do centers around similar concepts so old material stays handy yknow but i always end up having to pull up old assignments and trying to remember what was in each reference. anyways. problem for later. i also got the logitech casa pop-up desk thing and i'm enjoying it v much. also got a desk lamp thing from amazon and its ocming tmrw and i'm hoping getting better lighting at my desk will make me more productive (i tend to be more productive working at the kitchen table, but its not ideal bc dads in the living room doing karaoke ....

[searching-for-synpathy]

I am fucking going thru it rn tbh lol. Just getting bashed by waves of helplessness and trauma triggers just over and over till i feel numb and scroll reddit 9 hours per day to cope.

Not only do I keep having dumbass drama with my (also traumatized slightly unhinged) siblings, which included me having to tell one to BACK THE FUCK OFF when he tried to physically grab me during an argument, but ALSO my dad almost killed us multiple times by driving recklessly, ALSO my stepdad was screaming last night at my mom about how his suicide ideation wasnt a big deal I guess, and I was up till 1am last night wondering if he was going to snap and fucking take us all out. This is horrible. I cannot be still fucking dealing with this nonsense at 22 years old. It CANNOT be getting WORSE than it was, which was horrible. What the fuck is going on. Oh also my dad dying right, that’s always there too. What the fuck. Why is it like this. Why are they doing this to me.

I don’t feel like I can talk to my girlfriend about any of it really because it would just be nonstop whiny fucking garbage about this awful place and I dont want to do that to her. On the drive to the restaurant we went to today I was just thinking about my official diagnosis (“adjustment disorder” which maybe is just what they use for generic MH issues) and just how much of a weepy fucking mess I’ve been and how ive never been very liked and. Blah. Im gonna stop there bc i know its not a healthy rabbit hole and it was actually the cause of a lot of that same weepiness in college. Self fulfilling prophecy. But my point actually is just that I feel fucking kneecapped by my awful family and our random bad circumstances at this point. It’s not REALLY my siblings’ or stepdad’s faults that theyre like this, but jesus christ, you guys, can you fucking try? For me? And the years of fucking accumulation of this shit has just worn my willpower and self esteem to the nub. No wonder I have no goals and no confidence that I can do anything real in the world! I can’t even keep my dad and my stepdad and my sublings from tearing yhe fucking world apart! What am I supposed to do about anything! Rinse and repeat. Exhausted angry tired going to sleep in my dad’s house tonight which is at least actually peaceful.