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thescarletwitchsapprentice · 3 years

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A Pure Soul (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!Autistic!reader)

Summary: Two weeks or so after Wanda arrives at the Avengers’ Place, (y/n) shows up. An autistic Avenger who’s extremely honest and who doesn’t really seem to mind just being by themself, but also is kind and even affectionate to others. Wanda’s smitten by this and does the unthinkable.

Request?: Nope. I’m literally just throwing this out of the back of my head. From the Yandere Starter Prompts list by @yandere-mccree

Prompt: 5. “This world doesn’t deserve an angel like you.”

Warnings: (AOU Spoilers, CACW spoilers, IW spoilers, Endgame spoilers, torture sorta, sleep paralysis mention, ableism, slight manipulation?, kidnapping, mind-breaking mention)

Note: I wanted to try a bit more of a subtle Yandere vibe for Wanda. I’ve never really written one of these, so it might not be as great as I hoped. I don’t encourage or condone the unhealthy aspects.

Word Count: 3,268

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It’s only been a couple of weeks or so after she’d been taken from Sokovia after it was destroyed. Wanda’s still mourning the loss of her brother when you arrive. You're a shy person, not a fan of eye contact, but you do like touch, hugs in particular, as well as head pets.

Wanda doesn’t pay attention to you much at first. You’re just another Avenger to her; a nice change of pace, but that’s all. But then comes Lagos. Wanda now has guilt along with so much trauma. It’s no surprise when you hear her crying in her room one day, the door somehow left open a crack.

“I’m a terrible person,” she says softly, thinking no one heard.

You peek in and catch her with a pillow to her face, weeping. Your heart breaks. You know it’s on her, but she clearly feels terrible. You stand in the doorway until she soon notices you.

“Oh....(y/n),” she says as casually as she can. “Hey.”

“You’re not a terrible person,” you tell her.

She’s shocked to hear this.

“You’re not afraid of me?”

You shake your head.

“Why would I be?”

“I’m too destructive,” she says, sniffling. “You saw what happened in Lagos.”

You enter your room and sit on her bed with her.

“But you’re also very kind,” you point out. “And you’re a good person. You clearly care when you hurt others, and you want to rectify your mistakes. A bad person wouldn’t do that.”

In that moment, you can sense her need for some physical contact. You lean over and give her a hug, rubbing her back.

“I’m glad you’re here, Wanda,” you tell her.

And you are. You truly are. Even if you don’t know her well, you’ve heard her talk a few times, and she’s a breath of fresh air. Most of the Avengers tend to be a bit loud and sometimes a bit insensitive, but not Wanda. Wanda’s extremely sensitive to others’ feelings and tends to be a quiet person. It’s something you need. Her accent is also soothing to you for some reason, not to mention she’s beautiful.

You let her cry on your shoulder for a few hours, even humming to her a bit. Then it’s dinnertime and you’re called to the kitchen. That’s when something in Wanda changes. You, an Avenger who barely knows her, aren’t afraid of her; in fact, you’re glad that she’s here. She also doesn’t know you all that well, but she’s seen some acts of kindness you’ve done for her and the other Avengers, even when you thought no one was watching. And she heard your thoughts when you were hugging her, all wonderful things about her, how you wish she could see how amazing she is, how beautiful she is.

At that moment, her heart melts. How can someone with such a sweet and pure soul like you exist? How could someone so....perfect exist? It’s a ray of sunshine in her heart, making her forget about the guilt and trauma, even if only for a few moments. Your presence is exactly what she needs. And she needs more of it.....

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At first it starts off simple and small; making an effort to see you more often, running into you in the compound, smiling at you, making conversation. And honestly, there’s something about Wanda you can’t quite shake off. She does make your heart flutter; sometimes you get shy around her or even blush. It’s adorable and it’s something that only makes her more fond of you.

She discovers you’re autistic when the lights of the compound are too bright one time. The second she notices how anxious you are after Tony turns on the lights before getting his coffee in the other room, she immediately turns them down for you, and she’s the first person you tell.

“I’m touched that you trust me enough to confess this,” she tells you with a few tears in your eyes.

Wanda asks you what other things you like or dislike, things that give you sensory overload and things that help you calm down. She asks you about your experiences as an autistic person. You’re touched by how considerate she is, and even confess to her about your ADD, or Inattentive ADHD, as they call it now. She also asks about that, but does her best to take it a little at a time so that you’re not overwhelmed with questions.

What you don’t know is that she already knows all of this, having telepathy and all; she wants to hear it from you so that it doesn’t come off as creepy. She also loves to hear your voice. It’s like music to her ears, music that eases her stresses and trauma, even if only temporarily.

Then she starts to make some more effort, actively implementing what she knows and paying attention to things you say and do, so that she knows what she can do or say without it being suspicious. Wanda wants the relationship to move as naturally as possible. You’re her precious angel, and she doesn’t want to scare you. And she won’t unless it’s inevitable or of absolute necessity.

Wanda buys a bunch of fidgets and other sensory things for you to try, keeping in mind what you’ve told her. But also throwing in some “close guesses,” meaning things she knows but that you haven’t told her, things close to what you’ve told her. She can easily pass it off as just “having a hunch,” as long as it doesn’t happen too often.

Though she wants it to be as natural as possible, she occasionally uses her powers on you; nothing too severe at first. Just sending little suggestions to your mind; she’s told you a few of her favorite things, so she’ll base those suggestions off of that. One of the first suggestions is why not ask her how to make paprikash? She suggests that the two of you make it together and you agree. You’re not big on spice, but there’s some sweet paprika as a substitute. And it’s not as spicy as you think, but it’s delicious.

Sometimes Wanda sends a suggestion to get you going on a rant on one of your Special Interests; it’s both a chance for her to “get to know you more,” but mostly because she adores hearing you speak about what you love; she especially loves seeing that twinkle in your eyes and she loves seeing your face light up. It’s one of the most precious things to her, seeing you so happy. She wants to cherish every single second of it.

Though you’re nervous about it, suggestions of humming or singing to her pop into your mind. You give into them fairly often, mostly later on in the relationship. She tells you about how beautiful your voice really is, which gets you shy and blushing. It’s so endearing to her, seeing her sweet little sunbeam being so cute without even trying.

When you come back from a battle, Wanda checks to make sure you’re okay as soon as possible. She volunteers to patch you up to the best of her ability, and she soon becomes the person you first think of when you need first aid or care after a battle.

Then Wanda decides to take it a little further; her room in the compound is next to yours. She stands outside of your door, waiting for you to go to sleep, before opening the door a tad and sending in sweet dreams. If there’s one thing she despises, it’s seeing her sweet little angel upset, and this assures that it won’t happen.

Next she sends little dreams with her in it; first only small appearances, but then she becomes apparent little by little until she ends up being the focus of many of them. Of course she’ll throw in miscellaneous dreams here and there, just to make sure you don’t get suspicious.

Then comes Wanda’s biggest suggestion to you; you two have gotten so close over the past few months, why not ask her to be your girlfriend? It only makes sense. You still feel those butterflies in your stomach, you two both have amazing chemistry, and you both are very close. At this point, you don’t question it. You’re just nervous to ask, as you’ve never been in a relationship before. Of course the nervousness is also slightly part of the suggestion, more on a subconscious level. It’s not enough to make you panic; just enough to make you shy when asking her. And of course, you are. You end up stammering a little, blushing a bit. She fondly assures you that it’s okay to feel this nervousness, and happily accepts being your girlfriend.

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Now that you two are a couple, her next suggestion for you is to give into those affectionate feelings you have when cuddling with her. She loves the warmth you bring. Wanda didn’t think you could get any cuter, and yet she’s a full-on puddle when you cuddle with her. You’re just so sweet and Wanda can’t help but feel protective over you.

Others begin to notice you opening up more and they start making conversation with you. Of course Wanda’s listening to their thoughts to make sure they’re not interested in going further than a friendship with you. Friends are okay for her, and she’s very excited inside when you make a new friend, as she knows that making friends doesn’t exactly come naturally to you. However if it ever gets to anything past that, she’d have to take action. One does express interest in you, and that doesn’t sit well with Wanda. This person doesn’t deserve such a sweet angel, let alone her sweet little angel. Something must be done.

That night, after sending you sweet dreams, she sneaks over to their place and hides just outside of their bedroom door. She’s able to track their brain activity, so she knows when they’ve gone to sleep. Once they do, she sends them their worst nightmares, ones that paralyze them in their sleep out of fear. The next day, you don’t see them at their usual time. You figure maybe they’re sick or they overslept. In the meantime, she’s there to keep you company. It happens on and off with them for some odd reason.

If it’s one of the Avengers taking an interest in you, Wanda ensures that the two of you don’t get too close. If you go on a mission and need a partner, Wanda steps up. It’s not really a surprise to them, with her being your girlfriend and all. She glares at the Avenger who’s showing interest, letting them know to stay back.

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And then shit hits the fan.

You come back to the compound in tears one night and Wanda’s the first one at your side.

“(Y/N), what happened?” she asks worried.

You tell her about how you ran into someone who said that autism is a disease that needs to be cured and that you shouldn’t exist because you’re a burden on society. Wanda doesn’t leave your side that night. You need someone there for you. Externally she’s supportive and loving. But internally, she’s both heartbroken and fuming as she looks through the memory. A fire storms inside of her. How dare they tell such a sweet and pure soul like you that they’re a burden! How dare they say her sweet angel has a disease that needs to be cured! Wanda knows that autism has its challenges, but also its upsides. It’s not anything that needs a cure. It’s a part of your identity. She will NOT let this slide. Not even a little.

After cuddling with you, and sending extra-special sweet dreams that night, Wanda finds the place of the person who told you this. Wanda sneaks into their bedroom and induces their worst nightmares, along with a dose of sleep paralysis. She uses her telekinesis to throw objects around the room and even at them. She uses her power to make them choke. Her grief and anger only amplifies the severity. It’s satisfying to her to hear them scream, plead, beg for mercy, to see them so helpless, knowing what they said to her precious angel. She keeps doing this to them until they’re completely broken, even going back multiple nights, just to make sure they’re gone for good.

You don’t hear from them until you find out that they’ve become completely catatonic. Part of you still feels bad for them for some reason, but you don’t know why.

“You have nothing to feel bad about, (Y/N),” Wanda assures you when you bring this up with her. “Their guilt probably just got the best of them. C’mon, how about we get some lunch together?”

Wanda’s got your back and more for the next few days. And then Tony locks her in her room, and you’re infuriated. He just sees her as a weapon and not a person. In spite of their attempts to convince you to come along on missions, you decide to stay back and keep Wanda company, to make her confinement more bearable.

The two of you both fight Tony together, end up in the Raft, and escape together, living away from the compound. Then comes the war. You’re the one dusted and Wanda survives. Those five years without you are hell to her. She spirals back into grief, guilt, and trauma, blaming herself for not being able to save you. Thank God for Bruce Banner. In 2023, he brings you back. The second Wanda finds this out, she rushes for you, her eyes filled with tears, and you’re just as relieved to see her. Your warmth sparks a sense of purpose back into her. After you died and were brought back to life, to her you’re truly an angel now, and she refuses to let an angel be harmed. She’s reluctant to let you fight, but she tells you as long as you stay by her, it should be fine.

Tony sacrifices himself to save you all from Thanos. The second the funeral is over, you decide to take a nap. Wanda gently grabs you and takes you to a remote location; a cottage in the middle of the woods on an island. Those five years without you and then suddenly having you back sent her protective instincts into overdrive. She decides that she can’t let anyone or anything hurt you anymore. She’s lost her parents and her brother. She can’t lose you. She won’t lose you.

When you come to, you’re shocked about where you are.

“H-huh?”

Sitting up you begin to panic when you hear a familiar voice.

“Good! You’re awake.”

The smell of paprika hits your nose as you see her face, a sweet smile upon it.

“W-wanda?”

She brings over a plate of chicken paprikash.

“What do you think, (y/n)?” she asks.

“Of what?”

She gives a little giggle.

“Of our new home, of course.”

Your heart jumps in your chest.

“New home?”

Wanda sets down the food on a nearby table, and sits next to you on the bed you’ve been placed in.

“(Y/N), I.....those past five years....”

“Must’ve been horrific,” you say, still in shock.

She nods.

“And I wish I could’ve saved you.”

She gently takes ahold of your hands.

“And now that you’re back....I’m scared to lose you. I want us to be together forever.”

Your face flushes, and you glance away. She giggles a little and gently guides your face back up to her.

“My sweet (y/n), you’re too adorable,” she tells you.

Your eyes meet the bridge of her nose, and she doesn’t make you look at her eyes. She knows eye contact can be hell for you.

“I’ve missed this energy so much; I’ve missed your kind-hearted nature, your beautiful voice, your wide and innocent eyes, that cute little button nose, you cuddling up close to me. I’ve set everything in this cottage up just for you. I want you to be as comfortable and happy as possible here.”

“Where exactly are we, though?” you ask.

“Somewhere where you’ll never be hurt again. I’ll ensure that.”

This set off a slight red flag, and you panic a little.

“We couldn’t have just moved to a house in the suburbs or maybe a house in Greece?”

She shakes her head as she pets yours, something that absolutely gives you butterflies.

“No. This world doesn’t deserve an angel like you, sweet (y/n). You have such a pure soul-you are a pure soul-and the world outside will only hurt you. Sweet and innocent people, especially at your age, are very rare. They’re like diamonds; real diamonds. They’re extremely difficult to find, but once you do, they’re a treasure that needs to be protected. I want to be that for you. I want to protect you, keep you safe, love you and care for you. This cottage, this island, it can become a whole new world. At least give it a try? For me? Please?”

You want to say no, right? You’re not sure. It feels like something inside of you is at war, but one side is winning. Wanda’s clearly relieved to have you, and you’ve loved her for a long time now as she’s loved you for a long time now. You feel comfortable around her too. Perhaps a little protection might not be the worst idea. At the very least, a trial run wouldn’t hurt.

You nod.

“Okay, I’ll give it a go.”

Wanda hugs you close and gives you a small peck on the cheek.

“Thank you, my sweet (y/n)! Thank you.”

The two of you have dinner together and then watch a few sitcoms before you cuddle up in bed as Wanda softly sings you a Sokovian lullaby, your head lying near her shoulder. As you drift off to sleep, Wanda watches you endearingly. What you don’t know is that you’re going to enjoy being here. She’d love it if it’s on your own terms, but if you start to seem distant, she won’t hesitate to use her magic to send some suggestions. Maybe it’s to prompt you to ask her to include or remove or change something, or even to enhance your joy for the little things. Extreme worst-case scenario? She’ll plague you with a few nightmares, ones that’ll show you how dangerous the outside world is without her, but it will pain her to do so. Expect a lot of cuddling and kisses from her when you wake up in tears in the hopes of making things better. And she makes sure they do. All she wants is for you to stay and be happy and safe with her.

And even if you wanted to leave, it’s doubtful that even with your powers, you’ll get past the barrier Wanda’s put up. It’s doubtful that you’ll even get that far. It’s a big island after all. Big and deserted. She wants to give you enough space, but not too much. Just enough to make you happy. If you somehow find it, Wanda will make sure you’ll forget finding it. She’ll fill in the gaps with something else so that it doesn’t seem suspicious. It’s not surprising that she knows how to deal with so many outcomes; she’s had five years to think it over, after all, just in case you came back.

But none of that matters right now. All that matters is that she has you, her precious angel, and you’ll be hers forever one way or the other.

#yandere marvel #marvel #yandere!wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x autistic!reader #yandere!wanda maximoff #yandere avengers #Avengers #scarlet witch #yandere!scarlet witch #yandere x reader #avengers x you #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #autistic fanfics #dark!wanda maximoff #dark!wanda maximoff x reader

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amesstm · 3 years

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I’ll Carry You

Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader

Word Count: 1376

A/N: Sorry for not updating in a while, my ADHD said “Hey, let’s hyperfocus on something that is not writing fanfiction.” So, we’ll see when I have a phase of writing fanfiction more consistently lol

First part: https://amesstm.tumblr.com/post/647216128109723648/nose-bleeds-part-1

Ushijima didn’t know what to do when you asked, “Is this heaven?” So, he did what he thought was best.

“No, this is Shiratorizawa Academy,” he replied with his eyebrows furrowed in concern. Did he really hit you that hard?

You chuckled, but winced from the pain. “I know, Ushijima.”

Not paying too much attention to whatever joke went over his head, Ushijima silently folded up his shirt to put over your nose. The scent of mint and sweat overwhelmed your senses. Ushijima was simple, so of course he would smell like mint. Minus the blood pouring out of your nose, you could get used to this smell.

He lifted you up from the ground, but then you stumbled. A strong hand clutched onto your waist, trying to steady you. But then you almost fell forward. “I can walk just fine.”

“I’ll carry you.” Ushijima stated as a fact, leaving no room for argument.

His arms lifted you with ease. You pouted, annoyed that this was becoming a common occurrence now. He softly chuckled under his breath from looking at you. When he stepped out of the gym, everyone stared at the spectacle.

Why in the world was Ushijima shirtless? Why was he carrying the girls’ team’s libero? Why was she clutching onto his shirt for dear life? You were sure those were the questions swarming your peers’ mind. Surely, the fangirls would’ve loved this indirect fan service.

A protest was about to erupt from you, but then you looked up. His jawline was on full view. Could that cut you just from one touch? Possibly. Okay, maybe you can get used to this view. So, you stayed silent.

“Why are you staring at me?” Ushijima asked, starting to blush now.

You squirmed a bit when his eyes looked at you. Something about his eyes were so piercing yet so gentle all at once. “I’ve just never seen you up close.”

“That’s because you always run away from me.” Again, he was just stating a simple fact. Yet, there was a twinge of hurt in his voice. Ushijima was a paradox in one living body. You made a mental note to know every side of him.

Whatever fright you had dissipated into guilt. Thoughts that you should’ve tried harder to get to know him – no, truly know him – flooded your mind. Was he always so soft despite being so rough? Did he hurt on the outside despite looking stone-faced?

Your eyes softened, “Sorry about that.”

He didn’t reply. Perhaps he accepted your apology, or he didn’t want to pry. Once you were at the nurse’s office, she looked shocked to see the spectacle; a crowd had formed with people taking pictures. No doubt, those pictures would end up on gossip blogs or shared between friends.

The nurse instructed Ushijima to lay you onto a bed inside a room. “You’re free to leave if you have something else, Ushijima.”

“No, I did this. So, I’ll stay,” Ushijima replied to the older lady.

After undergoing an examination and interview, you were allowed to rest. Ushijima refused to leave your side, sitting in a chair near the bed. The regular-sized chair looked so small underneath Ushijima’s huge body that you could laugh, but you knew that he wouldn’t appreciate it. His mouth formed a small frown, with eyes distantly looking at the floor.

You softly spoke up, “Hey, it’s fine, Ushijima. You really don’t have to stay here.”

“I’m staying,” he replied. You waited a second, but he didn’t go further.

You frowned looking at him. He only really looked like this when his opponents got a few points ahead of him. Speaking of his team, an idea popped into your head that would make Tendo proud. You hummed, “Okay, then I guess you owe me a favor.”

He turned from his stare-down with the floor to gaze at you. You continued, “For as long as I’m showing symptoms, you should help me. We have plenty of classes together, anyways.”

“I would help you even if you don’t have a concussion,” Ushijima declared in a low tone. Your eyes widened slightly.

The door swung open, with the nurse not looking pleased. “I’m sorry to say but you have a concussion.”

After the news, Ushijima helped you back to your dorm. Apparently, you weren’t supposed to strain your brain too much with sports or too much thinking. Yet here you were – overthinking the fact that you couldn’t practice with your team like usual. The sounds of the volleyball would be too much to even sit in to watch.

As you walked to your dorm, the other students stared at you and Ushijima walking together. The sunglasses were a dead giveaway that you had a concussion from earlier. Now, the students understood why Ushijima carried you to the nurse, shirtless and all. Unfortunately, he was given a shirt by the nurse.

Going up the stairs made you feel nauseous, so you reached for Ushijima’s hand by accident. You stopped walking, so he stopped, too. His olive eyes grew a color of worry as he looked down on you. His warm hand literally swallowed yours whole, forming a secure fist. He hummed, with an inflection of confusion. After collecting yourself, you managed to mutter, “O-oh, sorry, just going upstairs makes me feel sick.”

“I can carry you tomorrow if you want.”

“Paron?” A sting spiked your brain. Yep, definitely shouldn’t think too much about what was going on around you.

“I’ll take care of you,” he reiterated. You simply nodded your head. It was useless trying to argue with him, especially since it was your idea in the first place.

Against your wishes, a blush formed on your cheeks. “I better see you tomorrow then.”

Ushijima stopped in front of your dorm room, avoiding the whispers and stares from the other girls like he always does. He seemed pleased that you were finally showing your confident side to him. For the longest time, he only saw that side of you when you were around Tendo. Now, he was able to experience it firsthand.

Was this a smile? As soon as you thought that, you felt another string. You cringed and clutched your head. Of course, this would happen when you had a concussion.

“Don’t forget to take your medicine and rest,” Ushijima advised, holding out the medication bag towards you.

You smiled, “Thank you.”

Luckily for Ushijima, the sunglasses made it hard to tell that he was blushing.

“Goodbye, Ushijima.” As customary, Ushijima nodded his farewell.

Tendo called you in the evening, making you cringe when you heard how loud your ringer was. Your roommate Yuki went out to the cafeteria, promising to get you food, as well. Thank goodness she wasn’t here to listen in on Tendo ripping you a new one.

“How could you get a concussion?” Tendo cried. You put a bit of distance between you and your phone when you heard him about to start ranting. Tendo acted like an older brother, so of course he would start to scold you.

“Thank you, Tendo. It’s like I wanted a concussion,” you responded sarcastically.

“Did you?” You heard a deep voice that could only belong to one person.

“Tendo, am I on speaker?” You asked, suddenly feeling nervous.

There was a pause on the other end. “Maybe.”

You could envision the evil grin plastered on Tendo’s face. You sighed, “Well, Ushijima is making it up to me until my symptoms disappear.”

“Oh?” Tendo said. You hated when he got this way. Even after being friends for a few years, you couldn’t tell what went on in his head sometimes. “Ushijima failed to mention this to me.”

“Now you know,” Ushijima replied.

Tendo whined, “It would’ve been better to hear it from my own roommate first!”

“What happens between Y/N and I will stay between us.”

You blushed, secretly enjoying what he was insinuating. Then you remembered. “By the way, Ushijima... I will be leaving to meet up with my cousin after school tomorrow. So, you won’t need to help me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Trust me, you wouldn’t want to be hounded by him.”

“Okay, now back to me-” Tendo said before he started rambling about his day.

A/N: Any guesses on who the cousin is? 👀

#ushijima x y/n #ushijima x reader #ushiwaka #ushijima wakatoshi #wakatoshi fluff #ushijima fic #haikyuu tendou #tendou satori #hq nishinoya

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grayfilmsandstuff · 3 years

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Is it cool if I ask for a platonic madcom matchup? I'm aroace jahdjsjdbd

I'm 5'3, agender, and I love finding new neopronouns! I have short hair shaved on one side and dyed blue, and I wear glasses!

I have ADHD, some of my favorite things are playing video games, creative talents [mostly drawing and writing], and collecting things! I like loud music and bright colors esp pink!! I am a little ball of chaos but I'm just. Very sweet akwhsjsj I dont like being mean to ppl

Last thing is I have a typing quirk! I replace s with z and surround my text w ⚡. ⚡it lookz zomething like thiz!⚡

of course!! this fandom needs more platonic content. .. . like what if i just want to be someone's friend is that too much to ask

ANYWAYS hope you liked this !! :}

i match you wiiiiith...

Tricky!

- you were friends with Dr. Hoffnar way before he started his experiments, so you were one of the only people who wasn't phased when he finally became Tricky the clown

- his chaotic energy matches yours pretty well, his is just a lot more dangerous and negative while yours is nice and sweet so they balance each other out

- Tricky's way of greeting you is by running up to you, putting his hands on your shoulders, and then launching himself upwards while pushing you down

- it scared you the first few times but you eventually realized there was no way out of this and you had to get used to it

- your opinion on the main three is neutral, maybe even positive, but sometimes Tricky will just rant to you about how Hank annoyed him that day and you'll listen, taking Tricky's side to make him feel better

- sometimes when Tricky sees you drawing or writing, he'll join you, sketching something of his own and you'll sit in each other's presence and it's nice :)

- when you find something new to collect Tricky will LOVE going through all of what you have so far and going to help you grow your collection

- you two are the dynamic duo of fighting. you'll be the one holding the enemies in one spot while Tricky is waiting for the perfect time to pop in and absolutely destroy them. let's just say you don't lose fights very often

- Tricky shares your interest in loud music so sometimes when you're not feeling too good, he'll catch on and then blast music, yelling it at the top of his lungs and putting on a show to make you laugh, sometimes you join him and sometimes you don't, either way he likes making you laugh

- you've been the best friend Tricky had had that he can remember so he really appreciates it when you're just there for the guy

hope this was good my friend!!

#mc but the good kind #my writing #tricky the clown #mc tricky #mc tricky x reader #madcom tricky #madness tricky #madness combat tricky #madness combat x reader #madcom x reader #tricky x reader #from the minds of others #text post #doctorhofnarr

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xanderwithanx · 3 years

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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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cherriesradio · 3 years

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TW: VENT KINDA… YEAH YEAH ITS A VENT ABOUT ADHD AND BAD DOCTORS AND PEOPLE NOT LIKING ME FOR ME ALLOWING TO LET MYSELF STIM

Okay so I think I have adhd. I’ve said (a longish time ago) that I had adhd, and that because I doctor that I now realize was incredibly shitty told me I did after asking me about ten questions, most of them being something along the lines of “do you think you have this thing that everyone assumes adhd people do or literally ever adhd person does, example, stimming?” And I’d go “uh yeah, do you wnat me to tell/show you my stims and when/why I do them?” And he’d go yeah, and I should him my stims. I remember when I showed him that when I get really nervous, it’s really hard for me to resist sticking my fingers in different holes in my face. Mouth, ears, nose, heck I’ve tried to pop my fingers into my eyes before, and he got really disgusted. I partly blame my parents, but all the review were clearly from the parents of kids who went there. And they already thought I had adhd, well my mom did.

And like????? Why do people get so mad when I stim??????

I have a weird face whenever I feel not super duper happy that makes me look very sad/tired/mad and people always ask me if I’m sad or mad and then when I tell them I’m fine they always try to go deeper and than I tell them that it’s just a tic or a stim or something that I won’t bother to find out cause it’s just my face, and they still ask me if I’m mad when I have that face.

I always crouch to where I’m almost on the floor when I go somewhere without sitting areas and people always get mad and say I’ll get sick, I’m sorry but it literally hurts my head to not do it so :/

I bounce on my heels when I’m bored or waiting for something and people call me childish for it, tell me to stop it, say I’m acting like I’m five.

I always pay attention in class and always listening, I’m just doodling because 1. I love drawing and it’s always helped me feel better 2. It helps me focus, so please don’t tell the tecaher that I’m not paying attention, Becky.

When I was a kid and we went on road trips my brother would get so mad to the point of yelling at me when I did this stim where I brushed my feet against the floor and we had a texture mat so it made noise. I also had a stim of vibrating my lips and spit would come out, it was so hard for me to stop that when my babysitter told me to.

For some reason I just. Cant eat food that’s to chewy. I mean, I can, but it’s a lot of discomfort. When I was a kid it was much worse, I would spit out steak if it wasn’t done the right way. I still feel ashamed about crying on my moms birthday when I was nine because the steak was just too chewy.

I physically can’t do school work, or at least finish it, till the very last day till it’s due.

I can’t go over to my friend who lives right besides me, and ring their doorbell with out having to stand there for what on a really bad day was once an hour. Also having to look in almost every window on their porch they have to make sure no ones watching me through the window judging me.

I have an excitement stim which is probably not what I should call but woooooooo. I just like……… do that thing that looks like a toddler having a tantrum. Putting my hands into fists and moving them up and down real quick. It the easiest to hold back but the one time I let it show I wanted to melt.

I’ve accidentally interrupted people since I was five and my parents still don’t realize that it’s a adhd thing. I just want to talk and I rarely ever talk because I’m to shy and feel like if I start I won’t stop but now that I wanna talk and I’m sure it’s not something I could rant about I wanna say it!!!!!! So badly!!!!!!! Please stop talking!!!!!!! What your syaing is interesting but as soon as I have a chance to speak I’ll forget it!!!!!!

I always forget where everything is once I’ve cleaned my room. I had a place and I put it in a new place that I thought I would remember but I can’t. I always what to take pens apart and rebuild them because it makes me feel smart. I always takes bites out of the pool tube things because it’s feel cool on my teeth and I like the sound.

I get overly excited when my friends let me tell a story for the millionth time because they know and understand that I think I have adhd.

#tw vent #vent #vent tw #adhd stuff

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much-brighter-ink · 4 years

Note

Do you have any stray watt headcanons about any character?

I do indeed, we’re going with Farrah because I am attempting to write a fic ft. her and also a few healthy doses of projection (I’m so sorry for not having yet answered other HC asks but I get random ideas and then they disappear so they’ll be rather sporadic)

aaahhhhh I typed out a whole long list and then tumblr crashed and they all got deleted but doing my best to retype them!

Farrah’s music taste has very little rhyme or reason - one day Annleigh will walk by her room and there’ll be metal blasting from a speaker, another day she’ll be dancing along to show tunes and the next, earbuds in listening to bedroom pop (projection? me?)

She’s a total theatre kid and enjoys newer, less known show (her faves are Lizzie and Gay Egypt - if We Are The Tigers existed as a musical in the WATT universe, she’d be obsessed)

(^adding these in from my Annleigh list because I feel I need to)

Farrah’s not a huge fan of labels, but she’s definitely not straight (most of the time ids as queer) and is also trans (uses she/they)!

They made a rainbow rug for her room and it’s the softest thing ever

Really into DIY fashion and recycled crafts and stuff so she’s always looking for more ideas (and makes pretty much anything from clothes to jewelry)

I’ve said this before and will say it again, Clark and Farrah are best friends and he’s kind of become her older brother

She’s learning electric guitar and is still getting the hang of it but steadily improving!

Loves dyeing her hair different colors

Similar to Kate, they never trained for super extreme competitions but Farrah’s an ex gymnast (stopped when they moved to Annleigh’s house after the wedding)

Was going to make a bullet point about her parents’ divorce and alcoholism running in her family and other stuff but it’s late and I want these to be happy HCs

Before the list ends have some pure projection because my thoughts are all violently fighting each other: Farrah’s never had any actual diagnoses but for the past year or so she’s been trying to figure out more to answer the (my) endless “is it adhd? is it anxiety? is it both? is it just me?” question (I typed out a long rant on my own thought spiral last night but I’d rather not put that out in a post of a totally different topic so I’m just leaving this at this)

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no-she-wasnt-reddie · 5 years

Text

While We Were Sleeping

I wrote this fic based on this post here from @cosersllub, who graciously let me use their post to inspire this fic.

Pairing: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak

Word count: 4327

There is a lot of internal dialog in this fic, so in order to keep track of whose thoughts are whose, I’ve put Eddie’s thoughts in blue and Richie’s thought in red.

This is the first fic I’ve written in a very long time, and it’s my first Reddie fic ever. So please leave any constructive criticism you might have for me and if you want more writing, send me some requests! Thanks! xx

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Instead of going out with his friends at the carnival, Richie is holed up in his room on a Friday night, sitting at his desk listening to records and painting his nails black. Well, painting might be a bit of a stretch. He is coloring in the nails on his left hand with a black Sharpie marker because Beverly isn’t here to use real nail polish. He hates being alone, but he also did not want to be with his friends tonight, especially with him. Richie turns up the volume on his record player in an attempt to drown out the sound of his own thoughts. Stop thinking about him like that, Rich. He is your best friend, nothing more. He is only your best friend. He has been repeating the same words in head over and over all night, but it is not stopping thoughts of Eddie laughing at one of his stupid jokes, with his eyes shining and his nose scrunched and his mouth upturned in the cutest smile. Stop it, Richie. He is only your friend. Eddie is your friend. He shakes his head, as if he is trying to literally shake the thought from his mind. He focuses back on his nails, trying desperately not to let his ADHD-riddled mind take him back to places where it shouldn’t go.

Eddie hates his mother. After going the carnival with his friends and being bummed that Richie wasn’t there, he biked home as quickly as possible. He had hung around for a little longer than he had been planning to, just to see if he might show up eventually. He asked everyone if Richie had mentioned that he wouldn’t be coming, but they all shook their heads. Something must be up. Richie always lets us know if he isn’t going to make it to hang out. He had planned on stopping by Richie’s on his way home, but he didn’t realize what time it was. Ugh, Mommy is gonna kill me. Eddie got home a little after nine, which is when he said he would actually be home. He tried to be as quiet as possible when he came in the front door, but his mother was standing right in the entry way, ready to give him more than a stern talking-to. While Sonia never physically hit Eddie, her words sure packed a punch—of guilt. She went on and on about how he could have been dead in a ditch for all she knew, and he was lucky she didn’t get the police involved, and blah, blah, blah. Over the years, Eddie had learned how to tune his mother out for the most part. After finding out that his medications were placebos and his mother had been faking his illnesses, she lost a bit of her hold on Eddie; he wouldn’t be so easily controlled. Even after all of that, however, there was still a part of Eddie that wanted to make his mother happy, wanted to ease her worries. So he continued to take the medications, on the condition that she let him hang out with his friends and never say another bad thing about them. This was proving to be difficult as she brought up Richie in her rant, which effectively snapped Eddie out of his thoughts. “…And that Tozier boy is trouble; he is probably the reason you are out past your curfew.” A rush of anger flared up in Eddie. “He wasn’t even out with us tonight! You can’t blame Richie for everything!” At this, Eddie turned and stomped up the stairs, making a show of things by slamming his door shut. His mother called up after him, but Eddie ignored her. I need to get out of here.

Richie is just finishing the nails on his left hand when he hears a small tapping sound. He looks around the room and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, so he returns his focus to his nails. Then, he hears a louder knocking, right on his first-story window. He turns down his music and looks over to see the one person he is trying not to think about. Eddie is standing outside his window with a backpack slung over his shoulder, and he waves and gestures for Richie to let him in. Richie’s heart starts beating faster in his chest. He is your best friend, Richie. Eddie is just your best friend. Your very cute best friend. Ugh Richie, you are hopeless. Richie walks over to the window and slides it open. Eddie smiles up at him, “Hey Rich, where were you tonight? I missed you!” I really did miss you, Rich. Like a lot. Richie’s heart jumps into this throat. Stop it. Richie clears his throat before saying, “Yeah I just wasn’t feeling up to going to the carnival tonight.” He tries to keep his eyes on Eddie, but they keep averting to the floor. Eddie looks up at Richie with confusion, trying to decipher the look on his face. Something is definitely going on with Richie. He hasn’t been this quiet since… well I don’t think he’s ever been this quiet. Maybe something happened? Why does he have to be here, looking all cute and saying he missed me? Why is this feeling physically hurting me?

“Umm, Rich, can you help me up?” Richie snaps out of his thoughts and scrambles to pull Eddie in. “Yeah, sorry Eds.” Richie sticks out his hand, “Here, I’ll pull you in.” Eddie reaches to grab Richie’s hand, which causes a jolt to shoot up Richie’s arm. I wish I could hold his hand for real. Great, I can’t even touch him without these stupid thoughts invading my mind. Eddie plants his foot wrong on the window frame, slipping and falling into the room. Richie tries to catch him, but he ends up losing his own balance, so they fall to the floor together. Eddie lands on Richie with an oof, their limbs a tangled mess. Oops my bad. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Eddie starts laughing and scrambles up from the ground, reaching a hand out to help Richie up. Richie turns a light shade of pink as he takes his hand, standing up and laughing awkwardly, reaching a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Eddie brushes his clothes off and straightens out his fanny pack as his eyes sweep Richie’s room. It still the organized mess it always is, with records in large stacks next to his desk, which is covered in papers, and comics strewn across the floor. This feels familiar to him, even though the look Richie is giving him is something entirely new. Eddie looks back to meet Richie’s eyes, but he quickly looks away. Shit, way to be obvious, dumbass. Eddie clears his throat as he walks over to Richie’s desk. “So what have you been up to tonight, man? You ditched us to hang out with your rock albums?” Maybe if I can get under his skin he will stop acting so weird. Richie laughs a laugh that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Yeah, better than seeing your ugly mug,” Richie says with a smirk. There, maybe if I call him ugly, he won’t figure out how cute I think he is. Some unknown tension lessens as Eddie laughs back. Okay, this is my Richie.

“So really, what have you been doing all night?” Richie shrugs and lifts up his left hand to show off his black Sharpie nails. “I’ve only done one hand because I can’t really do the other with my left hand.” Richie sits back down at his desk and picks up the Sharpie with his left hand. “See? I can’t even hold it right.” Eddie giggles and grabs an empty milk crate meant to hold records. Ugh really? A giggle? Like that isn’t the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard. He flips it to create a makeshift seat next to Richie. “May I?” Eddie holds out his hand, asking for the Sharpie. Richie hands it over to Eddie who uncaps it. He leans over Richie’s hand, some strands of hair falling into his face. Cute, cute, cute. Eddie starts coloring in the nails on Richie’s right hand, completely immersed in the task.

Richie can’t help but stare at Eddie’s face while he works. He is making his concentration face, the one where his brows furrow together and his tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth. Oh my god, his mouth. I want to kiss that mouth. Woah, dude, chill the fuck out. Richie hones in on every freckle dusted across Eddie’s cheeks, that little scar above his left eyebrow that he got during the rock war when they were kids, the way his long eyelashes curl upward. Wow, I’m really fucking screwed. Richie is so focused on Eddie’s face that he doesn’t even notice that Eddie is done.

Wow I don’t think Richie has ever stayed this still for this long. Eddie looks up at Richie through his eyelashes, curious as to why he is so quiet and still. Eddie sees Richie staring at him. His heart jumps a little in his chest when he sees the look on Richie’s face. His face is so serene, almost peaceful, like he could sit here and stare all day. Is he actually looking at me like that, or is he just zoned out? “Earth to Richie? Where’d you go?” Eddie asks with a small smile on his face, while waving a hand in front of Richie. He breaks out of his trance, and his face flushes profusely. Oh fuck me, I’m caught. “Hah, sorry Eds, I was just thinking about that time I fucked your mom.” “Oh gross, you dickwad!” Eddie shoves Richie out of his desk chair and laughs when Richie flops to the floor. From his spot on the floor, Richie turns to face Eddie. “So, whatcha wanna do? I know you didn’t come all the way over here just to color in my nails for me.” No, I actually wanted to check on you and make sure everything is okay. I was bummed you didn’t come out tonight. “I don’t know, thought maybe we could just hang out for a little bit? I had to get out of the house, away from my mom.”

So hang out is just what they do. They listen to Richie’s records, mostly rock, but he put on a pop album just for Eddie every so often. They play cards; well, Richie tries to teach Eddie how to play cards, using M&Ms to bet instead of money. Richie ends up winning the majority of the chocolate, but he still shares it with Eddie while they lay around on their backs, reading Richie’s comic books. I’m glad it’s just the two of us hanging out tonight. I don’t want to go back home.

“Hey Eds, don’t you have to be getting home soon? It’s getting pretty late; your mom is gonna go ballistic.” Richie turns his head to look at Eddie with a sad smile on his face. Ugh I don’t want you to leave, but I don’t want to get you in trouble, Eds. Eddie turns onto his stomach, running a hand over Richie’s beige carpet, watching the color change as he drags his hand back and forth. “Rich, I really don’t want to go back home tonight. I can hardly stand being home with my mom anymore.” Please let me stay. Richie shrugs his shoulders and looks around, avoiding Eddie’s eyes. “Umm okay Eds, you can just stay here tonight then. I mean, it’s the weekend, so it’s not like we have to get up early tomorrow or anything.” Fuck, what am I doing? He can’t stay here. I am already at my breaking point. There’s no way we can sleep in the same bed or I might die.

Eddie smiles so big that Richie can feel literally feel his heart cracking. God, why does he have to be so damn cute?! Thank god, I feel more at home here than my own house. Eddie gets up and throws himself onto the bed, climbing toward the right side of the bed since he knows that Richie favors the left. Eddie pats the bed beside him, gesturing for Richie to hop on in. Richie brings a hand to the back of his neck and looks down at the ground. Damn it, you better come up with an excuse quick, Trashmouth. “It’s okay, Eds. I’ll take the floor. We are probably getting too old to share the bed now anyway, right? The two of us will barely fit.” Eddie looks up at Richie incredulously, his face falling. What the fuck? We always share the bed, even when everyone else is over, too. “Rich, what are you talking about? There’s plenty of room.” Eddie reaches over and grabs Richie’s wrist, yanking him onto the bed with him. Richie lands on the bed with a thud, practically on top of Eddie. Holy shit, this cannot be happening. I can’t stop shaking. He is gonna notice that I’m shaking. Eddie’s heart rate starts beating double time. Why am I feeling anxious all of a sudden? This is nothing different than normal. Why does it feel different?

Richie slowly settles into the space on the left side of the bed, trying to angle his body away from Eddie without being too obvious. Just close your eyes and stay calm, Rich. Just close your eyes and don’t think about how Eddie is literally inches from you, in bed. He takes off his glasses and lays flat on his back with his hands behind his head, closing his eyes, while Eddie turns to lay on his side, facing Richie. Eddie just looks at Richie, taking him in, looking at how much older he looks. How much hotter he looks. Eddie is grateful that Richie’s eyes are closed so he can’t see how red Eddie’s face gets at his own thought. Eddie can feel himself starting to get anxious, or maybe even nervous. Even with that totally random—I’ve never once thought about how hot Richie is, nope not once—thought, why should I be nervous? It’s Richie, my best friend… This is just Richie, Eds. Eddie can’t help but realize that even in his own thoughts, he calls himself Eds now; he is so used to Richie calling him that that it feels more like him than his own name does. Finally, after more internal panic from both parties, they slowly drift off to sleep, Eddie’s body just inches away from Richie’s.

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Richie wakes up to the sound of soft breathing, birds chirping, and sun shining in the window. It’s a beautiful morning, and Richie is feeling warm and cozy in his bed. Mmm, this is nice. Warm and cozy. Suddenly, Richie remembers that there is another human in his bed, not just any human. His eyes shoot open, and while he can’t make out much through the blur of glasslessness, he doesn’t move. Richie is still on his back and very aware that he is holding something and that something is holding him back. So he, very carefully, reaches to the nightstand to put his glasses on. When the room comes into focus, he looks down to see an arm draped over his waist, an arm belonging to a Mr. Eddie Kaspbrak. Richie stops breathing. Holy fuck, oh my god. I must still be dreaming. Eddie’s head is snuggled into Richie’s chest, and he has the softest smile on his face, even in his sleep. I am literally about to snap. HOLY. FUCK. Richie’s arm is wrapped around Eddie’s back, holding him against his body, and their legs are all tangled together. OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO? I am just going to have to stay like this. Yeah, I will pretend to be asleep until Eddie wakes up and I’ll pretend to wake up then, too. Okay, okay. Richie tries to calm his heart rate and his breathing and his thoughts and his body, which is trying to tense up under Eddie’s. If you tense up, he will know you are awake, Rich. Come on, dude. Nice deep, even breathing. Richie closes his eyes, the scene of Eddie cuddling into him forever burned on the back of his eyelids.

The first thing Eddie notices is the warm sunlight spilling into the room, bright enough through Eddie’s eyelids to wake him up. The second thing he notices is that he has slept through the night without a nightmare for the first time in a really long time. Somehow lastly, he notices is himself thrown all over Richie. Like, literally all over. What the fuck?! How did this happen?! Oh my god, how did we manage to get this tangled?! He can hear Richie’s even breaths under him and thinks this to mean that Richie is still asleep. Nice even breaths, Rich. Eddie can’t move; extracting himself is not an option. They are so intertwined that if Eddie moves, Richie will definitely wake up. Holy shit, what am I gonna do? I guess I’m gonna have to wait it out. Richie will probably wake up soon, so I will just lay here and pretend to wake up when he wakes up. He will probably push me off of him and call me a dumbass or something. He will probably just think I tried to sprawl out on the bed even when there isn’t enough room. Eddie’s anxiety is rolling off of him in waves, but he knows he is going to have to pull it together if he doesn’t want to wake Richie. He squeezes his eyes shut again and breathes deeply. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Richie will wake up soon.

Holy shit, how is he still sleeping? How long has it been now, like 30 minutes, an hour? I don’t know how Richie is still sleeping while I’m on top of him like this… How did our legs get twisted around each other’s like that? Our limbs are so freaking tangled it’s like we tried to merge our bodies into one last night. Oh my god, what if he can hear how fast my heart is racing? His head is literally on my chest. At least Richie can barely see my face from that angle. I probably look like a mess. I’m glad Eds’ face is turned away from mine; my morning breath probably reeks. I’m glad my face is turned away from Richie’s; his morning breath probably reeks.

Both boys remain still, continuing to wait out the other in this sleep war, neither aware that the other is, in fact, awake. The minutes slip by, and confusion and panic turn into something calmer, sweeter.

It is almost like Eddie’s body fits perfectly into mine. I feel like I’m in a dream. Wow, I am really liking the way Richie is holding me; I feel so safe here. I kinda hope he doesn’t wake up any time soon. He looks so peaceful in his sleep. I could honestly lay here all day, but Richie will probably wake up. I hope he doesn’t freak out.

Minutes drift to hours, hours drift to an eternity, and soon Richie doesn’t think he can stay like this much longer. Oh my god, as much as I don’t want to move and wake Eddie up, I really can’t lay here anymore. I gotta get up.

Psst. “Hey Eds, umm are you awake?” Richie’s voice is barely loud enough to hear, which is a surprise to Eddie. He has never heard Richie’s voice sound so… delicate. Eddie quietly clears his throat and whispers back, “Yeah Rich, I’m awake.” He’s awake and he didn’t throw me off of him. “Oh thank god, I’ve gotta piss so bad.” Richie quickly untangles himself from Eddie, who is watching Richie scramble to the bathroom. Eddie can’t help but laugh at Richie’s frazzled manor.

While Richie is in the bathroom—hopefully brushing his teeth too—Eddie lays back onto the bed, suddenly feeling colder in the space where Richie’s body was pressed against his own. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be that close to Richie until now. I want to be that close to him; I need to be that close to him again.

Richie comes back from the bathroom, face tinged pink, and looks at Eddie shyly. Eddie was laughing. Is it too much to hope that he liked being tangled up with me? I really like being tangled up with him. I wonder what he is thinking… did he like being that close or was it super weird for him? Oh god, it was probably weird.

Richie tries to act casual and moves back over to the bed. Eddie automatically moves over to make room for him, as Richie lays back down on his side of the bed. He lays down on his back, lifting his arms to put his hands behind his head, just as he did last night. He looks up at the ceiling for a long time before turning his head to look at Eddie. The expression on Eddie’s face is unreadable. Oh god, I wonder what he’s thinking. Come on, Eds, just do it. You were just doing it. It will be fine.

Eddie makes the decision to throw all caution to the wind. Eddie scoots in, deliberately not making eye contact with Richie, and slips into his previous cuddling position, one arm draped over Richie’s middle, head on his chest, and legs tangling back up with Richie’s. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Oh my god. Fuck Eds what are you doing to me?!

Eddie can feel Richie tense up under him. Oh god, maybe he doesn’t want me touching him anymore. Maybe I fucked up. Then he feels Richie’s whole body relax and move into him. Or not. Eddie feels heat creep up the back of his neck and into his cheeks, maybe a little embarrassed. Whatever, this feels so… right. Richie’s face flushes as his thoughts start to wander. Wow. It was different cuddling in our sleep because it was accidental, but this… this is deliberate. This is on purpose, and it feels so good to be this close to my Eds.

Richie unclasps his hands from behind his head and brings one arm around Eddie’s back, where he starts lazily drawing circles with his fingertips. This is bliss. Pure bliss. Richie can feel Eddie shiver from the contact. Oh my god, that feels so good, Rich. Please keep doing that. Eddie squeezes Richie, pulling him closer. Richie smirks, as if he know what this is doing to Eddie, and continues to swirl patterns up and down his back.

Eddie feels content for the first time in a quite a while. With his home life being shit and those stupid nightmares of that fucking clown, he finally feels at peace, here in this bed with Richie. God, Richie has always been my saving grace, hasn’t he? I know I love him, but I think I might like him, too. Damn, there is definitely no use trying to convince myself that I don’t like Eddie. I like him, like so much. I am definitely in like with him. Richie decides then and there that he is going to have to tell Eddie—and his friends—soon, especially since he will be wanting to do this a lot more. It’s going to be damn near impossible to Richie to keep his hands away from Eddie now.

Too soon, Eddie starts to pull away from Richie, finally making eye contact with him. He has a sweet smile on his face, the pink glow of his cheeks bringing out his adorable freckles. “Hey Rich, I should probably get going. It’s the weekend so I hope my mom slept in. I gotta get home before she notices that I snuck out.” Richie bolts up and looks at Eddie with a look of udder shock. “What?! You snuck out? Oh god, if Sonia finds out she will never sleep with me again!” Eddie smacks Richie’s arm, but his mouth twists into a laugh. “Eww, shut up, you dick!” God I love his laugh. “No, but seriously Eds, you gotta get out of here before you end up on house arrest and I never get to see you again.”

Eddie turns to look into Richie’s eyes one last time. I can’t wait until the next time I get to see you, Rich. I wish I could kiss him, but I don’t want to scare him off.

Eddie breaks the eye contact first, heading toward the window. He pushes it open, about to lift his foot over the frame. He pauses, a single thought eating at him. Kiss him. Do it before you leave. Kiss him. I think he might want to kiss you, too. Eddie quickly turns back around and rushes over to Richie. A look of confusion sweeps over Richie’s features, and then Eddie is softly pressing his lips to his. Richie’s eyes are still open with shock before Richie can get a hold of himself and his lids flutter shut. Oh my god, he did it first. Oh my god, Eddie Fucking Kaspbrak is kissing me and I am seeing stars. This kiss is over way too soon for Richie’s liking, and he barely hears Eddie over his pounding heart, “I’ve kinda just been wanting to do that.” Maybe for only like the past hour, but I already want to do that again.

Before Richie can even register what Eddie has said or even open his eyes, Eddie clambers out the window, leaving Richie stunned and elated, floating on fucking Cloud Nine.

Richie stares at his open window, where hopefully Eddie will be climbing in every night. “Yeah, me too,” he whispers to his empty room.

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tfw-adhd · 4 years

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hi!! just found your blog + it’s amazing~ this past semester i’ve been realizing i might have an executive fn disorder and i tried to see what i could find. adhd popped up most often (ironically i ended up hyperfixating over finding info on it) but i was worried i was seeing things that weren’t there. i’ve always been good about schoolwork and not stressed over school deadlines so i thought maybe i was just a person who had similar traits on a lesser scale. but finding your blog (1/? sorry)

especially your posts about emotional deregulation and your “everyday adhd things” post made me realize that i’m maybe a lot closer to the mark than i think... is it possible i’ve come up with my own strategies for dealing with symptoms? like i always have everything in my calendar or in a note on my phone since i’ll forget things if they’re not in plain sight? or hanging out with friends and using them to structure my executive function? i’m a chronic over thinker and i’ve had moments (2/?)

i’ve been able to say “okay i’m going to Do This Thing, Right Now” sorry i’m word vomiting LOL it’s wild to suddenly see all these things and go “wow that’s relatable” “wait that’s relatable” +also i didn’t know there can be mild anxiety... one of my friends once told me i’m one of the “clearest cases of anxiety” he’s ever seen but it usually only pops up when my brain goes “What Do” or when someone says something and idk how to respond;;; idk it’s been a lot to process and (3/4)

tbh how to explain but like... id be cool with being diagnosed bc then i could have confirmation that i’m not overthinking + it’s easier to tell ppl so they understand how me + my brain work but also like... it’s time consuming to get diagnosed and idk where to begin (USA college student so v busy) and i feel like i’m managing okay right now and i can joke about it so idk... BUT!! thank u for letting me rant it’s been a wild trip and u seem very approachable and knowledgeable so thank you 😭🤧💙

Hi! Thank you for saying you like my blog and stuff! It’s here to hopefully be helpful and I’m glad that it’s doing that

Yes, it’s possible that you’ve developed your own coping mechanisms for this stuff - the way you described it makes it sound like you have, because you said you always put things in your calendar, but then added “so I don’t forget”. So even if you haven’t always known that you have adhd, you were aware of the symptoms and finding ways to get around them!

Anxiety only showing up when you don’t know what to do can be down to adhd. I have an anxiety disorder as well as adhd and I have a friend who has just adhd and both of us get really anxious in situations that we don’t know much about and don’t feel prepared for, or when we feel like we’re meant to be doing something but aren’t sure what.

I hope you manage to figure out what you want to do about being diagnosed! It can be a hard decision because it really can be time consuming, and if you’re in the USA then I assume it would also be pretty expensive. But I wish you the best!!! Good luck with everything and I’m ALWAYS here so if you wanna ask anything or just come and rant then I’m 100% here to listen ❤️🥰

#adhd #actually adhd #sorry it took me a hot mimute to answer this

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jardin-de-l-imagination · 4 years

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#1/?

I'm kinda planning of writing a Percy Jackson fic? So excuse my rant here of what I have planned I just kinda wanna have it written out and given some feedback hopefully before I really start. Some stuff might be triggering for some people. Including drugs, alcohol, rape, abuse, and self hate so far. Percy isn't a go happy guy, and hasn't been for awhile in the books. Btw REALLY LONG OMG.

Percy is gonna be a bit younger because I for some reason wanna have it cross over with marvel. Sorry. And ship him with Peter. Also sorry but not really.

The first changes is gonna be with Sally and a little bit of how she raised Percy. She teaches him of mythology and languages because she also knows many and knows it'll do him good because they're in the same area of where Greek is commonly used. Italian, Crotian, and Romanian, her family went around and had good taste. I wanna have Sally be a Roman legacy but I'm not sure of who just yet.

The second chapter would be his early preteens and his love/addiction of blue food. Kinda innocent and his relation of blue foods and his love for his Ma. As he grows older and Gabe gets in the picture his addiction of blue foods changes to drugs and alcohol from Gabe threatening them. He wants them to depend on them and him. The rape starts from the beginning of Gabe's relationship/marriage with Sally to be honest. Maternity rape is real and I doubt she always meant yes but would say it so he wouldn't hurt her more. He definitely would threaten the other (Sally / Percy) of harm of the other (Percy / Sally) if they were to misbehave. He'll eventually get himself out of it and help Sally recover while they're still stuck with Gabe. He goes back to loving blue food and uses it as a replacement whenever he has a craving.

The third would be his experience with school. Dyslexia and ADHD shows up right when he starts and some teachers reach out to Sally on ways to "fix him". She doesn't wanna have him depend on medication, definitely happy with that when Gabe happens, so he suffers with explaining " yes I have ADHD and dyslexia, no I'm not making it up to not pay attention" to everyone in every school he ever goes to. Some schools he has good teachers that believe him and wanna help him find ways to learn with his different types of dyslexia because of course he'll have more than what's common in a demigod. Sometimes he wouldn't get expelled from school but would have to deal with a suspension and have to find a way to hide it from Sally and Gabe. He learns better with facial reading and lying throughout these years. He'll have good relations with history, language, tech, and music teachers. Also the lunch and security and front desk people. He got along better with people older then him than people in his class.

The next might just be various moments with Gabe and his friends with either Sally saving him, one of Gabe's okay friends helping him, him turning things for the worse before he learns "the system*1", or with Gabe winning. Includes him learning how to apply makeup to hide bruises, lying about marks and cuts, how to heal stuff quicker, getting rid of smells, sewing, packing clothes tightly, and emergency numbers and places. Thoughts of running away and making things better for his Ma. Self hate and doubt of his reasons for living any longer. Decides running away would be better but he can't bring himself because he loves, is loyal to, her. That's brings MONEY MAKING. I grew up with people making money selling anything in school so he will too and will market off of this for any emergency because Gabe always takes his and Sally's money. Selling simple things like pencils and gum, later cool erasers that teachers confescated that he stole in return. Eventually he had to stop and find new ways to make money, and what's one quick way in New York? Drugs. NO!!.

*1 the system is based on what I learned growing up. If I had a good morning then I'll have a terrible night, Terrible morning then a good night. But sometimes you had to look for signs when it might just be a bad day overall. Conversations, how the person is acting (agitated, short temper, not patient), moody with everything from; lights, sounds, smells, how things are organized, nothing is good enough, privacy. The slightest thing that was good meant nothing when that person had more control of how your day would go. Of course this is my experience personally and I'ma add this in this fic.

He goes about using his talents with music to make some money. He can't risk Gabe, his friends, or even sally recognizing him so he always hides himself and would freestyle on the violin or guitar that he is able to keep at school because he's part of band. It keeps his away from home till Sally is out of work. He got into music because it was always calming to him and helps him concentrate. Sally was able to get him a chance to learn some before Gabe stopped them. Sometimes if there's a piano he'll play that too. Once he's makes money he carefully and reluctantly uses some for better equipment such as speakers and a microphone. His friendship with Peter is helpful with making it easy to bring around or stash at his place once he drops out of band or doesn't even joins his new schools band.*2. They would sometimes go out and just be dumb boys and fool around, Peter for fun and Percy for future possible survival and fun. Who can I connect with that will give me a discount? Who is less attentive of their stock? Where does the best wallets come from? Who accepts homeless and when? Libraries?

*2 this goes with my headcannon of Percy having more power, specifically pertaining to Sirens. Overall his voice is pleasing to listen to. When he's young it's nothing exceptional and are expecting someone to try and make him famous but as he grows up and sings more and gets more comfortable his voice is more smooth and silky. The mood of the songs can also affect people listening and draws people's attention and usually leads to him having people crowd around him whenever he's performing. He sometimes works with Peter with him dancing. He doesn't typically do pop songs since he likes rock music more so he'll change songs to him mood and tempo more fitting to what he enjoys.

He meets Peter when he and Sally are recovering. To disguise their time using money for drugs they'll go around walking or making up for lost time. She treats Percy as a silent thank you to a trip to the aquarium in Queens. There he meets Peter who is recovering from his traumatic friendship with Skip. They make quick friends and Sally and May and Ben make plans because they haven't seen their kid be this happy in a long time.

He becomes insomniac pretty early on even before the horrors of being a demigod. Someone once broke in their apartment and Gabe took it out on them so now he's even more sensetive to any sounds he hears at night. Either from his Ma crying, Gabe and his friends, or nightmares keeping him up. He usually sleeps under his bed because of Gabe putting his stuff on his bed and trashing his room. He'll wake up and go under the blankets when he hears Sally's footsteps coming to his room to not worry her.

Going to school is a blessing and a curse because that means no Gabe but that also means no Sally sadly. He constantly has to make a choice be happy for now? Or prepare for when that happiness goes away later. Meaning, do I hang out with Peter or do I go and make money street performing. Do I go to a school far from home so that I don't have to see Gabe but not see Sally, but that means she won't have to worry.

Once he finds out he's a demigod imagine all the self hate he gets. Any possible talents he thought he had. Anything that made him him, his love of blue, the sea, his features ( sure Sally would say he looks like his father he hoped he still had something that was from her, something that was just him ). But nope it all connects to Poseidon. Everything he likes and was confident about came from him. He wasn't anything special. He was just made to be used for their wars and fights and prophecy since they can't be involved but they don't wanna die from at the same time.

He knows of mythology with the help of his small closest group of friends and family, not what's taught at camp. He treats Medusa kinder and begs her to understand why he needs to continue and relates to her pain and apologies for what his birth father did to her. She allows him to kill her for a way to get rid of his pain Gabe. At camp he puts on a different kind of mask because he has no idea who he is at the beginning. A demigod? What the fuck?? What does that mean for him then? He's lost so he dumbs himself down. He has street smarts so he needs to get a layout of the place and the people. What's the stereotypes of groups. Who's the outliers. Where can I be me and with who. With Clarisse he hides what experience he has with fighting to seem weaker, the talk of prophecy can't be good and he didn't want anything with it. And with the talk of prophecy from the girl with blonde princess curls, and he feels used throughout their journey for a bit because this is what she wanted isn't it? To go out in the world and use her brain for better things. He's worried that she'll be like this onwards that this friendship is temporary just for her gain. Thankfully she stays. Watching his mother "die" from the Minotaur hurts him terribly because of course it's gonna be his fault that she dies. When he falls from his fight against Ecihdina and Chimera it pushes him to embracing the water side of him more and look tried gettingcontrol of it. Although the trap set by Hephaestus is rigged it doesn't push for Aphrodite to ship Percy with Annabeth. She can see he has doubt of even friendship and she stays respectful of that. Not everyone can cope with grief with romance. He meets Nico and Bianca at the casino but isn't able to pull them out. He doesn't make the connection till the next time he meets them. His loyalty brings him to the underworld wanting his mother back and his growing loyalty to the camp with the date drawing near for the solstice. He knew Hades couldn't be at fault and explaining so to him and Persephone builds his future relationship with them. His fight against Ares is helped by Posedion but also his growing anger of him wanting to endanger his friends. Luke still betrays everyone and everyone knows. He returns to his mom and Peter and life goes on.

Okay this a part one for a planning rant I'm going to sleep now

#percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #peter parker #percy x peter #marvel #triggers #up coming fanfic #possibly #highly likely #anyone interested?#spider man

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brokenfoetus · 5 years

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I enjoy being vague often.... I also enjoy giving way way too much info about pointless things...... I enjoy wordplay and double meanings..... There’s some folks that have been following for a long while now.... In fact there’s some people that found me before I made the blog public.... It didn’t even show up in searches for tags.... when I even bothered to tag things. Which still boggles my brain.....but it’s a positive. More or less wanted to throw some random content out for newer followers and friends.... I usually just blog art and music, or my own art and music..... or whatever the fuck is on my mind... and I feel like mentioning.... Which I suppose would be the purpose of any blog anyone has.... Generally most my content is hyper focused on art, music, and self expression. It’s usually also closely connected to Goth Subculture.... or generally Punk/Post PunK subculture... and other counter-culture what nots.... .....Always been that way personally.... even since I was a youngin’... Not much has changed here.... Not much will.... I’ll get new info... New wisdom.... new data to process.... it might change my perspective over time.... ...It won’t change my personality though... I have a neurological disorder that’s treatable via medication.... I also have ADHD..... I also did the typical shit people with mental illness do.... So... when my disorders or whatever you wanna call them... started to manifest into depression and mental illness because they had been untreated for 10+ years... (at the time) I ignored them and left them untreated for far longer.... spiraling down into a VoiD of isolation... self loathing...self hatred... despair... and a sense of hopelessness.... Because I wasn’t able to function like the average person... I couldn’t understand the why not... I could just see the difference... and I hated that.... rather than feeling it’s not fair that others can... I felt there was something wrong with me and me alone... and because I couldn’t make it work no matter how hard I pushed and tried.... I ended up just feeling I didn’t even deserve to be happy, or content, or receive what I’d like, or even be loved most the time.... All the while... explaining to myself and others that I didn’t want to use my issues as a crutch.... So I’d deal with them and press on forward.... it was a very convenient excuse to avoid dealing with my issues... since it was going to take a lot of paperwork and bullshit to get help since... I couldn’t ever afford to see the specialists required to treat my situation. Then finally... while working at a pretty decent job... with humans whose company I actually enjoyed let alone could tolerate..... The stress of the work... on top of massive major depression symptoms.... My complete level of insane intense exhaustion....other health concerns as well as general frustration and previously mentioned self hate... I had a complete fucking mental break down.... That manifested as well as extreme depression manifesting...into physical pain... It’s general knowledge that stress and the mind can effect the body.... While there might be a small amount of doubt in some people’s mind as to how much it can effect physically.... Trust me..... take a psych101 course.... and/or listen to me from first hand experience.... When it finally does come around to bite you in the ass it isn’t pretty.... When your arms and legs feel like they’re on fire while being stabbed with needles... it’s no longer a silly concept or question.... It’s terrifying... When you’re in a doctor’s office... and all blood test results are that you’re in perfect health.... When the doctor is explaining the pain doesn’t resemble nerve damage or neuropathy.... “we can see a neurologist to double check... but should look into these other things first since.... it doesn’t add up.” and you’re trying to explain what’s been going on.... but even thinking about what you’ve been feeling causes you to start openly sobbing in front of your poor Doctor as you say... “I don’t know what to do anymore...” You become pretty aware of how much stress and the mind can really affect you. Now.... what I’ve brought up... is pretty intense... It can come off pretty depressing... When suffering in some form or another becomes your norm... Those kind of things just don’t feel so sad anymore... it’s just... normal.... Creatures in those real situations... don’t typically want sympathy... I don’t... and I didn’t... Empathy and Understanding.... totally cool... I like those things in general anyway.... Sympathy doesn’t really help.... Whatever the case... humans in general... are fucked up.. over one thing or another... it’s best to try and stop... and realize... something is wrong... and bothering them when they are being unreasonable.... It doesn’t mean you need to subject yourself to abuse.... If anything when that’s the case... you need to understand they’re fucked up over something to a level where you need to leave... or also be mentally destroyed. It’s fine if someone might not want to abandon another... Just keep in mind... pushing them to seek out help some... or at the least... pointing out that there’s help out there that might help them find a path to a happier more functional and reasonably balanced life in terms of mental health... Is totally a great thing.... but when they’re aware... and do nothing to get help... or... start to get help but instantly say it’s not helping before putting any effort in? You need to go...... and care for yourself.... at least in the situations where they’re being abusive that is.... Anyway... I digress... and let’s leave those concepts behind.... hehe anyway.... that’s a general vague sense of my cognitive being.... Here’s me...... and some of my work... It will be complete eventually... it’s taken me ages to get this far due to my past situations... and what not... but... now things are better... I’m okay.... doing well... in comparison to where I had been.... Not quite where I want to be exactly... but.. finally heading in the correct direction finally... Knowing all the things I now know in contrast to before... it’s still gonna take a good bit of work before the music is legit complete. All my work has been DIY and a solo project... I do have a drummer friend who will most likely be playing live shows with me adding another layer of beats and effects onto my own stuff just for the live performance to make it that much more intense.... At least when he’s available... he plays for lots of people... and plays lots of styles. He’s an amazing artist and musician... so it should be great fun... We also have plans for other different styles and maybe even another electro industrial type project.... so those too will be fun as all hell since... I won’t be solo writing everything there... I do however love programming my own beats so... will most likely continue to do so for “The End of it All”. Anyway... hope this pointless rant finds you all well.... Flesh Bag Humans... <3 -The End <3

I’ll post another of artwork pics because... this is absurdly long already.... My apologies for hideously interrupting feeds I pop up in.... next post is artsy work time a-go-go.

#Me #Info #Less Vague #PersonaL #Update #Random #Goth #Gothic #Goth Dude #Goth Guy #Goth Boy #Electro #EleKtrO #Synth #Music #Art #Freehand #Drawing #Ink wash #Dark Art #THE END

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cheytheredhead · 6 years

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i was tagged in another, these are fun and a gr8 way to get to know more about me

yeet i was tagged by literally my favorite person on tumblr @thepatricktreestump so i’m very honored by this amen

rules that I do understand: tag some peeps and talk about your appearance, personality, ability, hobbies, experiences, life, relationships, and other random shit like that (I think?)

people I tag: @hiraffaloph @dallas-weekes @feelingthatfeelsshit @miwd

APPEARANCE: i have red hair that’s approximately the length of my shoulders thats almost ombré from when i dyed it last with bangs, grey eyes, i’m about 5’2ish and relatively thin (about 110 lbs). i am almost always wearing either a t-shirt, turtleneck or sweater with jeans and converse, adidas or boots, usually with stud earrings. i wear makeup about half the time, and it’s always either a full face or nothing at all. i usually look unamused by literally everything. it’s about 60% of the time thats actually true.

PERSONALITY: i have a very dry and sexual sense of humor, almost everything is funny to me and i will laugh at almost anything. i’m also hella awkward because of how introverted i am, and suck at talking to people and replying because of it. i will usually reference something brendon urie or dallon weekes has done/said at least once in every conversation. i’m usually down to talk about pretty much anything, i like talking to people who can challenge my way of thinking and make me think deeper about things. i love hugs and physical touch but am rarely the one to initiate it because i have anxiety.

ABILITY: mostly my two biggest abilities are writing and singing. i’m pretty mediocre at everything that i’m “good” at. i can type and text quickly, watch netflix for hours on end, stay up all night driving when needed, and write an essay in less than an hour. i can pull my elbow behind my head and to the other side of it, im pretty good at makeup, and a lot of my friends tell me i’m good at cooking/baking. also, i guarantee youll be amazed at how little alcohol it takes to get me drunk.

HOBBIES: like i said i like writing and singing a lot, i also spend a lot of time reading and on tumblr. i work most of the time which doesn’t leave much room for free time and hobbies but i still manage to get some in there. when i’m hanging out with my friends we sometimes smoke weed and i love to every now and then get drunk with friends and laugh at the bonding experiences. i also watch a lot of netflix and love doing my makeup, i enjoy grocery shopping and listening to music, driving and petting good dogs and cats.

EXPERIENCES: many concerts including one direction, austin jones (yuck), 5 seconds of summer, panic! at the disco, shawn mendes, i don’t know how but they found me, halsey and fall out boy. i’ve met dallon and breezy weekes, ryan seaman and charli xcx, and i’ve had my sign noticed by brendon urie at a concert, and when i saw halsey, we made eye contact, i screamed “i love you” and then she splashed me with water (all of which i have on video). i’ve travelled to LA, met a couple internet friends, had a few wild sexual experiences, had my heart broken many times, broken hearts, fallen in love and one time ranted about tampons to an entire classroom while my teacher just sat amused. i graduated high school, i broke my collar bone when i was 2 years old, my wrist when i was 8, and had stitches in my knee when i was like 9. i’ve spit on donald trump’s hollywood star. i’ve kissed boys, girls and non binary folks before, a stranger at pride a couple years ago, and have gotten sea sick/car sick many times. there’s a lot more but i can’t think of any other huge ones at the moment.

MY LIFE: a little boring right now but overall chaotic. i have anxiety and ADHD which can lead to depression in large amounts at times. i also have scoliosis, arrythmia and some syndrome i can’t pronounce in my knees so i’m always questioning “am i going to die” at every minor inconvenience in my life. i was born premature which probably explains a lot of these issues i deal with. like i said most of the time i work, so i don’t have much time for anything else a whole lot. when i’m not working, i’m usually watching netflix, writing or sleeping.

RELATIONSHIPS: i had a “thing” with my best friend freshman year who came out as gay less than a year later so that doesn’t really count, i almost dated a guy who ended up fucking me over and costing me a best friend a few years later, then my longest and most successful relationship with someone who became my best friend for almost 2 years, which sadly ended a bit abusive and toxic. i dated a guy after that who tried to pressure me into sex so i broke up with him a little over a month after we got together, and then i dated a guy that my ex best friend met on some dating app that ended up not working out because he was too clingy. i haven’t been in a relationship since then (over a year ago) which sucks because i’m lonely and want a relationship again. i’ve had a few “things” with people throughout those but never amounted to much (some were girls, some were boys).

RANDOM: i’m a morning person, i hate coffee but drink it when i need to stay up late especially working retail, and i have an unhealthy obsession with decorative pillows. i love hummus and cranberry juice, and i’m always in the mood for a burrito. if you think that i hate you i probably don’t. i’m 100% a “mom” friend and i have the worst baby fever. i’m almost always thinking about brendon urie, sex, or both, and i run a smut blog which i’m not going to reveal because people i knew from school and that i know will judge me for it can easily find this blog. i can’t pick an aesthetic so my aesthetic is a mix of a ton of different aesthetics. i LOVE the 80s, especially music and pop culture from it, and my favorite color is purple. i listen to almost every type of music and love finding new bands that no one really talks much about. if you ever just want to chat you can message me, i probably won’t reply right away but you will hear from me eventually. i’m really hungry and thinking about a burrito right now and am about to fall asleep because it’s almost 2am.

#text #mine #about me

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cirillafionaelenriannon · 6 years

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for the character thing: yennefer, geralt, chloe, ellie, riley, max, and mercy

hey eleanor i want you to know that i love you so much for putting up with my continous ranting about the witcher like ? i love you? so much????

(theres a lot to read so fair warning)

1. yennefer

sexuality headcanon: straight? maybe bisexual? i’m not sure. otp: yennefer and geralt!!! brotp: i know she’s her mother but ciri and yennefer. or yennefer and dandelion. notp: idk i just want her to be happy. first headcanon that pops into my head: yennefer is very upset when she finds out that ciri prefers orange juice over apple juice and doesnt talk to her for 3 days. favorite line from this character: honestly the entire letter that yennefer sends to geralt with her just repeating the ‘dear friend’ sentence over and over is Gold. also yennefer calling ciri her ugly duckling. one way in which i relate to this character: angry ™ thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: nothing lmao. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: neither.

2. geralt

sexuality headcanon: same as yennefer otp: yennefer and geralt!!! brotp: the entire hansa! notp: geralt and triss i guess first headcanon that pops into my head: geralt’s insecure. it’s canon but,,still. favorite line from this character: i have so many! “i cant just leave her to her fate…she’s completely alone. she cannot be left alone dandelion. you’ll never understand that.” that or his line about how he wants to show yennefer the sky. one way in which i relate to this character: acts like has has no feelings. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: everytime geralt opens his mouth.,. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: he’s a mix of both.

3. chloe

sexuality headcanon: LESBIAN!!! otp: i really like amberprice but im good with pricefield + pricemarsh brotp: kate and chloe notp: idk? chloe with anyone but girls? first headcanon that pops into my head: can drink an entire jug of milk faster than u can say ‘chloe no’ favorite line from this character: ‘its nice rachel we’re having’ one way in which i relate to this character: fear of abandonment, overwhelmed by the presence of girls. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: when she argues with the bouncer at the old mill,,,,gh cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: CINNAMON ROLL!!!!!!!!!

4. ellie

sexuality headcanon: BABY LESBIAN!!!!!!!! otp: RELLIE brotp: ELLIE AND HAPPINESS notp: ELLIE WITH ANYONE BUT GIRLS first headcanon that pops into my head: JOKINGLY GETS A SWEAR JAR BUT REGRETS IT QUICKLY AND ALSO HAS ADHD favorite line from this character: “don’t go” one way in which i relate to this character: really wants a dad, can’t focus on anything, loves puns, really gay, short + angry thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: literally nothing. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: baby cinnamon roll.

5. riley

sexuality headcanon: LESBIAN otp: RELLIE brotp: RILEY AND LIFE notp: riley with anyone but girls. first headcanon that pops into my head: huge fan of 80′s pop + rock, secretly a romantic, absolutely adores ellie favorite line from this character: “i’m gay” (she says it with her eyes) one way in which i relate to this character: really really loves ellie, angry tm, wants to be important, big fan of video games, loves carousels. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: nothing really! cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: CINNAMON.

6. max

sexuality headcanon: a lesbian. otp: pricefield brotp: KATE AND MAX notp: max n victoria gehg first headcanon that pops into my head: listens to so much indie & folk music it physically pains ppl around her. absolutley loves the lumineers. favorite line from this character: “wowzer” one way in which i relate to this character: same dressing style (sometimes), loves photography, very shy, would Die for chloe price thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: “wowzer” cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: CINNAMON ROLL.

7. mercy

sexuality headcanon: likes the girls otp: mercymaker? i haven’t really thought about it. brotp: mercy & tracer ? bcos ? my faves ? notp: idk first headcanon that pops into my head: only ever uses straws when drinking liquids, including coffee and refuses to eat with a spoon. favorite line from this character: “heroes never die” one way in which i relate to this character: is a healer. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: nothing! cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: CINNAMON ROLL.

#u have no idea how much second hand embarrassment i get with ciri tho #she speaks and i just hnngghg ciri shut up.#asks

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tokyoteddywolf · 7 years

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Fuck It I'm Gonna Minific From A Phone

A little Self Story bc I need to write SOMETHING and my Voltron fics are reserved for a computer with a proper keyboard.

————————————————- Huffing, the teenage girl smacked her head onto her desk for what felt like the thousandth time that day. ‘When will this suffering end?’ She thought, tugging her scrunchie out and letting her copper and red streaked hair fall out in curly waves, brushing against her shoulders. She idly played with a particular ringlet as her English teacher ranted about Shakespeare or something similar up front, near the whiteboard. Lucky her, she was sitting in the very back, which meant more chances to daydream. Vaguely she thought that she should shower when she got home, since her hair was feeling a little oily and looked dusty, and earlier this morning she’d broken a comb trying to smooth out a few tangles. Curse her genetics for giving her father’s fluffy curls and her Mum’s wavy thickness to her unruly hair. She didn’t care if her hair was classified as “perfect curls or waves”, all she knew was she never had to use a curling iron to get perfect ringlets, and straightening the damn thing was an hour long process she had no energy for. Not to mention water was her number one enemy, always causing it to either curl or frizz when dried. Or both, which was normally why she kept it tied back with a scrunchie. She snapped back to attention when the bell rung, and she gathered up her things and left that godforsaken class. She said hello to a few friends as she passed them in the hallways, and played her usual game of How Gay Am I For That Girl as she walked to Algebra class. Humming along to the tune on her headphones, she slid into her seat once she’d arrived and waved an awkward hello to her pal Nathan, or Omega as he called himself. Things had been a bit strained between them, mainly because Nathan had a crush on her and she only saw him as a brother. She always felt bad when someone liked her, not that it had ever happened before to her knowledge, mainly because she was Aromantic. She turned to her notebook and hummed quietly to herself, remembering the conversation she’d had with her Mum the other day. “Boys are like static cling sometimes!” Her Mum had sighed, brushing silver and black hair out of her hazel green eyes. “So, you never really felt like dating anyone?!?” She’d responded, actually a little shocked. “No, actually. I stayed single my whole life til I met your father. He’d actually just stuck around me, and we ended up getting married, before that divorce. Every boyfriend since has just stuck to me until I agreed to one date, and I guess I just never had the heart to say no until I got fed up enough.” The older female had explained with a wry smile. “So you must actually be Aromantic like me! Huh! Ya learn something new everyday…” the teen had muttered, before grinning at her Mum. “So once we kick Steve out, no more boyfriends? Promise?” She’d asked, adding puppy eyes for full effect. Her Mum had laughed and nodded agreement. She shook out of the memory when a sheet of complicated looking equations was passed over to her, and she sighed. She had no idea what she was supposed to do, so she huffed and at least tried to figure out what the fuck X equaled. An hour and a half later, she was slumped against her close friend and brother figure Sam, who didn’t complain and merely continued to eat the nachos she’d gotten for him. He never had any money for school lunches, and she’d felt awful when she saw the sad little sandwiches he’d had to eat. She’s started with handing over her leftover food she hadn’t eaten, since she was worried he wasn’t eating enough. Then it turned into her handing over her food at every lunch period since her new meds that controlled her anxiety and ADHD also acted as a hunger suppressant, leaving her appetite nonexistent. She ate, of course, usually when she saw food she liked, such as the fish or the egg rolls, or usually just survived off of the fruit cups and milk cartons. Sam glanced over at where her head was pressed against his leather jacket covered shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Tough day?” He asked nonchalantly, dipping a chip into some of the liquid cheese and sour cream as she grumbled and looked up and stared at his sideburns. “You have no idea. I might not live through fifth and sixth period.” She groaned, absolutely limp against his form. They had that weird sibling dynamic where physical affection wasn’t all that unwelcome. Sam chuckled and patted her knee sympathetically. “You’ll survive. If I can listen to Mel whine about her problems all day and still keep my sanity intact, then you can survive the next two classes today.” She snorted out a half laugh. “Well, yer her boyfriend. Listenin’ to her is kinda yer job.” She drawled, slipping into her Texan accent. What? She was tired! Her ADHD had kicked her ass the night before, so she’d been up til nearly three in the morning aching to go run or something before she managed to settle down enough to get SOME sort of rest. Sam rolled his eyes and munched on another chip. “Can’t argue with that.” He hummed, shrugging. She sighed. “Honestly I just want to take a nap but I have stuff to do…” Sam rolled his eyes again. “Don’t we all?” He joked, reaching up to ruffle her hair. She purred delightedly at the attention. She adored head rubs, but it was something she only let trusted people do. Which was rare, since she literally had no trust in anyone, anxiety only worsening the problem and making her believe that, even though she had a good life and friends and family that really cared, everyone would turn on her and abandon her and pretty much show that everything was one big lie, a joke. She and Sam started chatting about story ideas, since they had their own little AU called the Squad AU, just a little story about their OC’s and the trouble they get into in different universes, some already existing and some made up. The bell rang again, dismissing the lunch crowd, and she gathered up her things and bid goodbye to her pals as she moved to the class in the library. She grinned as the class door unlocked and she entered the computer filled room, sliding into her favorite spot and swivel chair, adjusting the tilted computer screen and lowering the chair so her chest could have a rest on the wooden table and give her aching shoulders and back a rest. Cracking her neck and back, rolling her shoulders, she popped a few finger joints and logged in, already working on an essay paragraph so she could do what she really wanted to; free write. She actually had a deal with the teacher, after several talks and lectures. After a while, he’d given her a deal: as long as you write a poem a day or an essay paragraph, you can take the rest of the class off to write your creative stories and documents. She’d finished the poem assignment a few days ago, so now it was just a paragraph for an essay a day and she could go back to writing plot lines, head canons, fic ideas and short stories as much as she liked. Once finished with the paragraph, she pulled up a familiar document, the plot line for a Shance one shot she was making, and started adding in more details to the document. Humming, she checked over everything and made a few changes before deeming it ready to be written out as an actual story before opening a new document and starting a new plot line, this one for another one shot idea she’d had last night during her little hyper episode, though to be honest she’d seen the same thing around a few times already but it never failed to make her smile or giggle. She had to research a little for it, but that was okay and she had the bare bones of the idea down by the time the bell ring. She saved everything twice before closing everything and logging off, ready for the long exhausting march to sixth period over in the second building. Once there, she greeted everyone with her usual “Man I feel dead inside!” and slumped into her tall chair, grateful for the cold black plastic table top against her cheek as she rested her head against it. A pencil shooting across the table had her glaring up at her frenemy, Nicholas. “Nick, for the love of everything holy, could ya fucking not?” She growled as the taller boy grinned at her from two tables away, his face blurry since she’d left her glasses at home today, but she could still practically FEEL him smirking. “But messing with you is more entertaining than anything else.” Nick chirped, twirling another pencil in his hand before flicking it at her. She flipped him the bird and nuzzled into her bag, to tired from the jog up the stairs to respond back for the moment. She rummaged around in her bag before pulling out a bag of chips and throwing it at him. “Here. Now shut up and leave me alone.” She hissed, glaring at him as she fumbled with her scrunchie and retied her hair back into a ponytail, or bunnytail since it was short and fluffy and curled down to brush against the back of her neck. To be fair, they were friends, sort of, since Nick went to her Grandpa’s church and she usually saw him there whenever she visited. But, they had a mutual hatred and respect for each other. A weird dynamic, since one moment she’d be sharing food with him and he’d be chatting with her about the logistics of a show, but the next they’d be at each other’s throats with scissors and flailing arms. No real harm was ever done, but it did annoy her to no end when he threw things like pens and popsicle sticks at her. She put on her headphones and ignored him the best she could, occasionally throwing a pen back or discreetly flipping him off, and started doodling in her notebook again. “Oh thank God, I’m free!” She declared as she exited the school, her scarf getting tossed into her face from the wind. Tucking the blue fabric back around her neck, she mumbled to herself as she walked the short distance to her house. “Well, at least until tomorrow.” She sighed, waiting for the crosswalk to turn green so she could cross the street and get home. It was a nice day for once, windy but not freezing cold like the winter they’d just left. Her skirt pressed against her legs as cars blew past, her scarf fluttering over her shoulder as she plucked her loose curl, the one she kept shorter for aesthetic purposes, out of her eyes in time to see the light turn green. She finally got home, and after fending off the excited dogs that swarmed her when she got inside, carefully dodging the hard whip-like tail of her boxer pit bull mix Kane who was a total sweetie, she managed to get into her room and shut the door to be alone. Ignoring the mess on the floor, she flopped onto her bed and sighed into a pillow before checking Tumblr, bored already. “Well, today was boring.” —————————————— I’m ending it there. See what happens when I’m not allowed to write for so long?!?!?!?

#my writing #self indulgence #Self fic #long post #bored #word vomit on paper #descriptive af

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