#living television

[theworldsafuckingslaughterhouse]

Here is a rant I wrote

The other day I found this angry rant on my laptop I must have written a few years ago, so here it is. (*It's written as though it was being said on stage in much the way a standup comedian might perform it)

Hello yes hi how are we all?

You’re out! In the real world. Experiencing a real thing. Not watching the coloured box of death. The little metal shouty thing that’s invaded all our lives!

I can’t even watch Television anymore, it’s become too out of touch. It’s insane the things they think we should be watching. You see it with marketing you know, these adverts. Once upon a time, advertisements made sense. They were straight forward, using logical people to sell you useful things. You’d be sitting there covered in fresh blood and a woman with big hair would say, “Get the stains out in 2 hours with minimal scrubbing! Ajax” or whatever. So you’d buy the thing. Because it made sense and you needed it anyway and you didn’t feel tricked.

Now they approach it in a different way. It’s much more aggressive and manipulative. You have a woman doing the dishes and then the husband comes home from work or school or wherever they go and he says, “Beverly I don’t love you anymore.” And she turns, this image of Mary Berry in a polka dot dress and says, “I’m sleeping with your father. Hahahaha.” And shoots him in the head. And then it goes, “Ajax, because you deserve better” or something like that and it feels a little… detached from reality. They stopped selling us products and started selling us these dreams of what they think we want. I remember when cooking shows made sense. A woman would come out and show you how to set the timer on your microwave so the chicken didn’t dry out too much or come alive or something. Now they’ve fetishized the baked beans to such an extent that kids turn to their parents at dinner time and say, “Is it fried in truffle oil? No? Then I’m not having it. Would you at least making a fucking effort Mother.”

And all this fetishized nonsense has pushed the price up. I remember when you didn’t need a second mortgage just to afford a bag of onions. I remember when I could by onions and tomatoes in the same month. And they didn’t have to be organic! You used to be able to choose. You could choose between buying organic or not starving, and it was a decision we all got to make each week.

Then there’s these home living shows, do you ever try to watch these? The young couple who had a significant family member die, inherited a few million and decided to convert an abandoned petrol station into a 2 bedroom bungalow with a chocolate swimming pool and walk in freezer. Again, we fetishized houses so the market went crazy and now you have to be a lawyer-prostitute to afford one.

So what do they do to help us deal with the disappointment? Drugs! “Do you ever get thirsty?” a man in a white coat who looks vaguely like the eldest child from Home Improvement asks. Looking up from your jug of rum you say, “Yes! Yes I do.”

Well you might have OLDD or Oral Liquid Digesting Dysfunction.

Shit, you think, what can I do about it?

Next comes a lovely image of a man taking his shoes off at the beach and the voice over goes, “For just the price of a small corvette each year, we can help you feel like this guy with sand between his toes.” And your drunken self struggles with this notion. But meanwhile you’re already signing up to a 12 year subscription and purchasing the loose-your-pills insurance plan at the same time.

So this idea of tv aspirations just isn’t sustainable. You can’t be gods like the presenters you watch. You can never purchase enough shit to be king. And if you try and set your aspirations where they want you to, you’ll end up a withered corpse gripping a box of golden cornflakes in a public bathroom being eaten alive by wolves.

Thank you very much.

[mysterycitrus]

lbr he doesnt stand a chance against a real clownoisseur

[shurisneakers]

cillian murphy accepting the award with his wife's lipstick all over his face and asking the crowd if he's got lipstick on his nose and continuing even when they said yes. this is making me feel. things

[animusrox]

[90's Sitcoms]

[inthedarktrees]

“Living Doll” | The Twilight Zone

[p4nishers]

i cant get over the ball being so CLEARLY all for crowley i can't get over aziraphale trying to woo him with a WHOLE FUCKING BALL because that's what he knows that's what romance IS for him because he's been wanting to dance with crowley ever since dancing was invented and he's so stuck in time with the way he dresses and talks and he still thinks a dance is the high of romance AND HE MADE A WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING BALL FOR CROWLEY JUST SO HE COULD DANCE WITH HIM like now it's so fucking obvious he gave away his BOOKS without a second thought and it was all for crowley he organised a whole JANE AUSTEN THEME BALL just so he could have an excuse to finally dance with the love of his life and i can't get over this i'm shaking my fists and pacing up and down he did not give a single fuck about anything other than dancing with crowley and HE BARELY TOUCHED OTHER PEOPLE'S HANDS WHILE HIS WHOLE FUCKING PALM WAS PRESSED TO CROWLEY'S AND i need to lie down

[lousolversons]

The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live Season 1, Episode 5: Become

[demifiendrsa]

Netflix’s One Piece live-action series casts Mr.0 and Miss All Sunday for season 2:

Joe Manganiello as Mr. 0

Lera Abova as Miss All Sunday

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

*TAKES A DEEP BREATH*

Now that they have revealed who is going to play Crocodile, I have all sorts of feelings for the Cross Guild.

AND NONE OF THOSE FEELINGS IS HOLY.

LIKE.

HELLOOOOO???

[atticusfinchismydog]

The list of fears Neil SHOULD have:

-Riko

-the mafia

-torture

-his hitman father

-Lola

-abuse

-murder

List of fears Neil DOES have:

-A 23 year old blonde Christian with rainbow ends

-telephones

[outoftoucherlocksholmes]

place your bets NOW on who will WIN THE BIGGEST DIVORCE OF THE 21st CENTURY!!!!

[gaslightgirlsummer]

you can be down bad but you will never be max verstappen getting a microphone put right into his hand and not even realising he was going to be interviewed because he was so busy talking to charles level of down bad

[hyperblue]

interviewer: there have been some rumors circling around that you're a taken man now :) would you like to share who's a lucky girl or guy?

tim drake, torn between wanting to keep his relationship with kon private and safe from prying eyes but at the same time wanting to brag about his drop gorgeous boyfriend to everyone who would listen: uh.

[astrallar]

Ok, so here me out here

[trendfilmsetter]

Production for Netflix’s ONE PIECE live action Season 2 is now underway.

[slythereen]

helmut marko becoming a shooter for oscar as soon as he becomes oscar piastri leclerc… you can’t convince me that the very first “oscar is lestappen’s adopted son and this is my favorite family” post wasn’t from helmut’s burner account