#love you enjoy spending time with you your religion makes me feel awful about myself for no reason

[gideonisms]

Do I go to holiday eve service mom just invited me to out of desire to demonstrate peace love and etc or do I say no bc going to church still makes me feel bad and how do I explain without saying that

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Cabin in the Woods [18+]

Jackson Neill x Female Reader

For @storiesofsvu​’s Fall Bingo! Requested by @resparza​​! 

Summary: You and Jackson take a trip to New England that goes slightly awry.

Warnings: NSFW, nipple play, fingering, praise, slow gentle sex until the end when it gets a lil rough. Fluffy fluff & the tiniest bit of angst (so Jackson can reassure you). Trans male version here

3,350 words

Jackson made a tiny mistake with the timing. He booked your leaf-peeping getaway for mid-October, when the leaves in the city were just beginning to turn.

When you arrived at your cozy Airbnb in the mountains of Vermont, you were greeted by the awe-inspiring sight of… sticks.

“Goddammit. I forgot how geography works,” Jackson griped, pinching the bridge of his nose. He’d been in a sour mood for most of the drive up I-91 when the scenery started to look distinctly more ashen than orange halfway through Massachusetts.

“It’s like we time-traveled two weeks into the future,” you marveled at the bare tree branches rattling in a chilly breeze. Your rustic cedar-shingle cabin was surrounded by forest and at the end of a long dirt driveway. Even without the screen of leaves, you couldn’t see any neighbors.

“So much for leaf-peeping. There are no leaves.”

You picked up a bright red maple leaf from the driveway. “Found one!”

He chuckled at your enthusiasm and shook his head. “If I made our reservation a week earlier, the foliage would be, you know, in trees.”

“Found another!” you pointed at the colorful ground, grinning. “There’s another!” You picked each one up and tossed them at him like confetti.

“Alright!” he groaned, curling his elbow about your neck like a shepherd’s crook to wrangle you in. “I see you refuse to have a miserable time. Won’t even wallow with me for two seconds?”

“I think it’s pretty.” You turned in his arm and kissed him.

The tip of your nose was cold, but your lips were warm as he kissed you back and tried to look on the bright side. Just because things weren’t going to plan didn’t mean he had to relapse into his ingrained Catholic guilt.

***

Since the publication of his book, Meyerism: A New American Religion, Jackson Neill had been receiving threats from the eponymous cult that had him on edge. Not only was he afraid for himself—he wasn’t so macho to pretend otherwise—but he worried about you or his kids getting caught in the crossfire. The deeper he dug into the Meyerist Movement, the more he was convinced they were capable of anything.

This vacation was supposed to be a way to leave all that behind for a weekend, but stress clung to him like spiderwebs.

At least the weather was cooperative. Friday afternoon was clear and sunny—just the right temperature to sit out on the porch with a hot cup of cider. After unpacking, you settled down with Jackson on Adirondack chairs and listened to the sounds of nature as the fading sun slanted orange and red through the forest.

Pops of bright color still stood out amid the dull grey-brown landscape like flames—late trees that had waited for your arrival to change.

“You’re right: it is pretty,” Jackson conceded, your hand nested in his. Your fingertips were getting cold, so he held them to his lips and blew on them.

Tomorrow, you’d go on a nice hike with a beautiful view of the snow-capped Green Mountains. The trip wasn’t a total waste, Jackson thought. He tried to relax.

***

The next morning, you awoke to the pounding of rain on the roof and Jackson pacing downstairs in the living room. The entire cabin creaked and groaned with the force of the wind, and you quickly pulled on a sweater and wool socks before padding down the stairs.

Jackson was tapping at his phone, muttering under his breath, before finally tossing the useless device on the couch with a dry laugh. His apparent crankiness couldn’t have been that bad, though—he’d gotten up early to light about a hundred votive candles, filling the dim living room with flickering golden light. He must have been planning something romantic.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his stubbly cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“No signal out here in God’s country,” Jackson rolled his eyes at a wooden cross decorating a door frame, which had not been visible in the listing photographs.

“Isn’t there Wi-Fi?”

Jackson stared at you with lips so thin they vanished into a fine line, and eyes that looked ready to shatter like exploding light bulbs at any moment. “Storm knocked out the power.”

Oh. That was why he lit candles.

“And our hike is canceled, unless you want to go out in that.” A freezing mix of rain and sleet rattled the window panes.

It was easy to let another person’s bad mood get you down, but you tried to stay positive. He’d been so tense lately, he needed support. You both needed this vacation to go well. “That’s OK. We can stay in and get cozy with the fireplace.”

“You would think so,” he gave a humorless chuckle, shaking your arm off to sulk into the open-plan kitchen. “The listing said breakfast was included, but the refrigerator is empty. We’ve got… toast.”

“Maybe we can drive into town? Find one of those quaint little bakeries.”

“Out into the cold,” he sighed. “And we don’t have internet to look a place up. No wonder the host thinks they can get away with starving us—I can’t even call to complain!”

The wall of positivity you’d constructed groaned and cracked, and the anxiety it held back began to stream through. You sank down onto the couch.

Oblivious, Jackson hunted through the charmingly rustic (and empty) cabinets with an increasingly frustrated frown. “This trip is a disaster.” The words stung as surely as if he called you a disaster.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” He turned. Your voice was so quiet he barely heard you say anything.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated so he would hear, lower lip trembling with the effort.

It took him three strides to cross the entire cabin, and he was on top of you, kneeling in front of the couch, stroking your face. “Hey, no, no… What are you talking about?” His green eyes were soft as the hay fields you’d passed yesterday as they searched yours.

“It was my idea to come here,” you sniffed.

“I know.” His head tilted, and frown lines creased his forehead. “I wanted this weekend to be perfect for you, and I can’t get anything right. I don’t know why you’re sorry. This is my fault.”

“But it’s my fault you’re miserable. I thought getting away from the city would be relaxing. I wanted some alone time with you. But you’re not having any fun. I just don’t want you to be upset…”

Something changed in his eyes.

“I… I’m not upset.” His thumb gently stroked your cheek. “I’m not upset at all—not at you. Maybe at myself. Fine, entirely at myself. This was your trip, and I fucked it up. I hate disappointing you.”

A hint of a smile crept back into your face. You covered his hand with your own and turned into it to kiss his palm. “Jax, you could never disappoint me. All I wanted out of this trip was to spend time with you. So long as we’re together, I’m happy.”

“You don’t look happy.” A flicker of a self-deprecating smirk. “Guess I ruined things by being a grouch, huh?”

Your face once again threatened a smile. “No…”

“Yes. I’m a big mean grouch. Come on, you can tell me off,” he grinned, leaning close to your neck and purring his words against your earlobe. “Punish me. Throw a handful of sleet down my shirt. Push me into a pile of wet leaves.”

“Nooo!” you squirmed beneath him, fighting a laugh as he invented tortures for himself and kissed them into your skin.

“Come on, I deserve it.” He pulled back, and a smile broke across his face like dawn to see how your eyes had brightened.

“Alright, alright. Maybe just a little sleet.”

“From now on”—he pressed his lips against your neck again and sucked lightly at the beat of your pulse point—“I promise”—he nibbled his way over your jaw—“to appreciate every moment of our vacation”—his lips ghosted against yours—“and make sure you feel good.”

You pulled him down onto the couch with you, falling back onto the cushions as his lips melted with yours and his tongue hunted for a moan inside your mouth. He found one, long, slow, and tortured as you tasted the raw heat of his apology.

“Mmm,” you hummed as if a chocolate truffle were melting on your tongue. “You want to make me feel good?”

“Yes,” he sighed back, lips moving against your cheek and his hips lazily grinding against your thigh.

“I have a few ideas about how you could do that…”

“So do I.”

His long fingers slid down your stomach and slipped beneath the waistband of your flannel pajama pants. You drew a sharp breath as his pads grazed the top of your slit, and he paused, looking to you with lust-blown eyes for permission to continue. Sucking your lower lip between your teeth, you angled your pelvis to move his fingers onto the aching bud of flesh that sent hot shivers out beneath your skin at the contact.

“Seems we’re on the same page, Dr. Neill,” you whispered, and captured his lips again.

Moaning into the kiss with a dark, gravelly rumble, Jackson let his fingers venture deeper into your folds. You weren’t drenched for him yet. Moments ago, you had been on the verge of crying, and he still had to reassure your body that it was wonderful and loved—but he was a patient man and enjoyed taking his time. Each breath and sigh was a signal he attended like a rapt student in the front row of the classroom, his own pleasure coursing through his veins as he played with your pussylips and brought out your trust and desire.

“Shirt off.”

Nodding, you peeled the hem up over your stomach, and he sat up to help you wriggle it off over your shoulders. While he was at it, he pulled off your pajama bottoms and stripped to his boxers.

“Hey, I’m cold,” you whined, pouting as goosebumps began to prickle over your naked arms.

He pulled the fleece blanket off the back of the couch and covered you both with it. “I’ll keep you warm, querida,” he purred as he lowered himself over you.

A hot flush spread over your skin. You loved when he spoke Spanish—sweetly, with the vocabulary of a 1950s telenovela, and full of diminutives the way his mother used to speak it to him as a child. A well-placed querida or cielito could send shivers up your spine. It was nothing compared to the back-arching jolt a moment later when his tongue teased your nipple.

You cried out, fingers curling sharply into his hair as if his tongue carried an electric charge, unsure if you were trying to push him off or pull him closer and make sure he never stopped. As he gently sucked and your sensitive flesh pebbled into a stiff peak beneath his circling tongue, you were leaning toward the latter. Head thrown back, you gasped out his name, begging for more.

He worshiped your chest, eyes flicking up to meet yours with a playful, attentive expression, but he didn’t give you more, no matter how you clawed at the back of his scalp. His tongue worked in gentle, leisurely circles, tracing one fully before moving on to give attention to the other.

Fingers delving back between your thighs, he found your clit swollen and throbbing. You let out a startled, sobbing moan as he stroked it, your back arching, clinging to his head almost painfully tight to brace against the overwhelming sensation. If he kept touching your two most sensitive areas at the same time, you were going to come fast.

“Easy…” he soothed, sensing your agitated level of arousal. “I want to make this last. Can you be good for me and wait?”

Whimpering, you nodded and loosened your tight grip.

“Yes, Dr. Neill.”

“Good girl.”

As he languidly serviced your nipples, he dragged his fingers lower, through your folds. It still made your skin prickle with wanting, but without direct contact with your clit, you wouldn’t come as fast.

When he found your entrance with the pad of a finger, it was slick enough to press inside without resistance. You let out a delicious, tortured moan as the long digit penetrated your tight walls, opening them a little at a time.

“Fuck, you’re so warm. So wet. That’s my good girl.” He lifted his face from your chest to kiss you in praise.

Your hips writhed to push the finger deeper as you kissed him back. He was hungry to reconnect with you—to go slowly and spend as much time as he could sharing pleasure with your naked body—but you were starving. You might explode if he didn’t fuck you.

He moaned softly as your wetness swallowed more of his finger. “Feels like you’re sucking it. Trying to pull me in. You must want more.”

“Yes… please,” you whined, your hands gripping at his broad shoulders.

A second finger stretched your entrance, and he began slowly fucking you with both.

“Oh, fuck. More! Harder,” you moaned.

“You sound so desperate,” he observed casually. “Like one of my students trying to cram for a test.” Heavy-lidded bedroom eyes betrayed his desire, but he wore a cheeky grin and did not increase his pace.

Wet sounds of flesh filled the cabin, so slow it was torture. “Please, Jackson… please let me come. Please…” you begged, but he just kept watching you studiously, worshipfully, as he fingered you slowly. Enough to keep you begging, but not enough to let you finish.

He was straddling one of your legs, and his cock pressed rock-hard into your thigh. Every so often, you would feel it twitch, usually when his fingers massaged a sensitive spot inside that made you give a satisfying noise, and he could feel your pussy gripping around him. Then he would murmur, “You’re so beautiful. Fuck, you feel so good.”

Only when you were a drooling, trembling mess that could barely string two intelligible words together did he start to actively roll his hips, rubbing his erection against your leg.

“Do you want more?”

“Y-yes,” you sobbed.

He sat back on his haunches, and you wailed as his fingers slipped from your yearning wetness, leaving you so empty. “Do you want me to fuck you?” he asked softly, so tenderly that “fuck” sounded like the most romantic, poetic word in the English language.

“I love you,” you replied, which wasn’t technically a yes, but made Jackson’s breath catch suddenly in his throat.

“I love you, too, mi corazón.” He tugged the elastic waistband of his boxers down over his straining cock, and, taking it in his hand, notched its thick head against your entrance. His forehead rested against yours as he demanded huskily, “Now tell me you want me inside you.”

You gasped. He was so big and blunt against your tight pussy, you almost didn’t think he could fit. But you knew he could—and you knew that was why he always warmed you up so gradually, so agonizingly, so he would never hurt you. With the crown of his cock stretching your opening, the temptation of being filled by him was so close that an unbearable ache drowned out every other thought.

“I want you, Jackson. I need you.”

A thrill rushed through you as his walls came crashing down. His hips canted forward, and a pleasurable burn filled your depths as his cock stretched you open farther than seemed possible—and you watched his mind empty in that moment. All the stress and worry were gone. Nothing was on his mind but you and how good you felt wrapped around him. Nothing existed for you but him between your legs and the ragged sound of his breathing.

As if to seamlessly replace his fingers with his cock, he set the same languid pace. At first, the difference in girth was enough to make it infinitely more intense. Relief cascaded through you as your pleasure finally began to build toward a finale, heat pooling in your lower body with every thrust. Dipping his head, Jackson found a hardened nipple and sucked it until you were babbling incoherently, hips jerking to add to the depth and friction he was giving you.

“H-harder,” you whispered, and this time, he didn’t tease you.

Your pussy coated his cock with so much cream, he knew you could take all of him. Knew you were ready to snap, and so was he—so his hips pounded faster, thighs slapping your skin, heavy balls swinging against your ass.

“Yes… yes… yes…” he breathed rhythmically, chasing his climax as your arousal coated his cock and slicked your thighs.

“More,” you rasped, though your fingernails were already digging red crescents into his back, the stretch almost too much. He needed a stress release, and you wanted to be his outlet. “Let yourself go.”

A final barrier broke inside him, and he took you so quickly, it was more like jerking himself off with your body than making love. Nothing went through his mind but seeking his own release. For a moment, Even you vanished, and there was nothing but his cock surrounded and gripped by unbelievable warmth. You cried out in pleasure at the new depths he struck with reckless abandon.

His hips stuttered. “Fuck!” he gasped, fingers gripping the couch cushion as his hot seed painted your inner walls.

He panted, going still. After a few moments of catching his breath, cock twitching the remainder of its contents into you, he wiped the sheen of sweat off his brow and opened his eyes.

“You didn’t come, did you?” He gave a sheepish sigh.

“It’s OK. Sometimes it takes me too long… It was fun anyway.”

“Stop that. Whoever gave you those excuses is a fucking idiot.”

Keeping himself sheathed inside you, he reached between your bodies to stroke your clit. You gasped out, finding your body responded quickly with waves of molten heat exploding between your thighs. You were still close to finishing.

Jackson circled his hips, using his spent, tender cock while it was still hard. Though each movement was overstimulating and made his body cry out to stop, he savored the way you responded to the pressure: your eyes squeezing closed, your breath growing shallow. He lowered his mouth to your chest again, stroking your clit faster as he flicked his tongue and rocked his hips in shallow thrusts. Your moans built, louder and more strained, back arching beneath him until finally, you came, walls crashing around him, convulsing and releasing, then clenching down again as your whole body shuddered with wave after wave of ecstasy.

Jackson’s mouth popped off the bud of your nipple as a pained moan tore from his throat. His exhausted cock suffered as your pussy involuntarily tried to milk another orgasm from it, but there was a smile on his lips. A breathy laugh.

“Fuck,” he moaned. “You’re perfect.”

You lay together for a while under the blanket. Even after you’d recovered, your shared body heat was incentive enough not to want to get up yet. The storm outside didn’t relent, and despite the warm light of a hundred flickering candles, the air inside the cabin was chilly. Soon, you would start up the fire in the rustic stone hearth, and you could stay cozy inside all day roasting marshmallows and reading books or playing board games. After a brief trip into town for supplies, that is. Besides, you would have to brave the storm to make good on your promise to slip some ice down his shirt.

For now, Jackson’s face was buried contentedly in the curve of your neck, hot puffs of breath tickling your skin. You held him in your arms, combing your fingers through his hair.

“So,” you murmured. “Enjoying our vacation yet?”

You felt him smile. “It’s everything I needed.”

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Tags: @beccabarba / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy / @mrsrafaelbarba / @madamsnape921 / @astrangegirlsmind / @neely1177 / @onerestein / @dreamlover31 / @isvvc-pvscvl  / @shroomiehomie / @storiesofsvu / @welcometothemxdhouse / @feedthemadness-sweetie / @law-nerd105 / @amelia-song-pond / @michael-rooker / @xecq / @madpanda75 / @alwaysachorusgirl / @bananas-pajamas / @leanor-min / @mad-girl-without-a-box​ / @katierpblogg​ / @worldofvixen​ / @sassyada​ / @detectivebarba​

[imanes]

Hello! You mentioned reading Piranesi a few months ago and I finally got around to reading it and I love it so much - thank you for the lovely recommendation <3 If you don't mind can you talk a little about what you loved about the book (I love hearing your thoughts)? Also have you read Jorge Luis Borges' Ficciones (I believe it inspired Piranesi)?

HELLO my friend!! first of all tysm for taking the recommendation, I'm so happy it worked for you! honestly what do I NOT love about this book? it's hard to wrap my thoughts about piranesi because it was such a lovely reading experience which i honestly need to repeat ASAP because the layers to explore in piranesi are so numerous. secondly let me admit that i haven't read any borges yet BUT he's definitely on my radar and I've been looking for his books on my used bookstore runs since i read piranesi, not to much avail unfortunately but i added ficciones to my tbr for reminder!!

anyways I'm gonna stop right here for anyone who has not read piranesi yet because i think you'd benefit from going into it not knowing much except that it's told in vignettes and that it has elements of mystery which become more and more central to the plot as we advance and unravel the world that piranesi lives in. so don't keep reading past this if u haven't read piranesi yet! i did keep it spoiler-free though so no pressure. also putting everything under a read more bc i truly was obnoxiously verbose adlkjglsjk if it didn't work my apologies 4 it

NOW let's talk about what i loved about the book which honestly will probably just be a flimsy overview bc again i think a re-read would make what i love about it more salient and richer but i guess we can already have a start here!

first of all, the character of piranesi. when i first started the book and immersed myself in his inner voice, i was kind of thinking ok there must be a reason as to why he is so incredibly wholesome but also with an extremely sharp mind and immaculate observation skills. the childlike wonder of his perspective was an absolute joy to read from but also provided some tension because i think pretty early on you catch that he might be a bit of an unreliable character and that what he tells you may not match the reality of what his experiences and observations mean to the reader. you're very much the prisoner of his limited perception, his sometimes bizarre but always delightful thought process, and also again the childlike wonder with which he observes the world and which makes everything carry so much more weight w/o resorting to pompous/pretentious gravitas. a statue isn't just a statue to him, it is the Statue, something important in and of itself, with its own story/mythos and it harkens back to a child's point of view which hasn't yet been shaped by the world and therefore isn't as limited as our jaded adults' minds, even though he is an adult himself, which is apparent in his very keen mind.

then we have the form, with the novel being told in vignettes. i personally really like novels such as these because they feel a lot more personal but also propels the story forward. I'm not a fan of huge chapters tbh because my attention span is trash lmao. it was so easy to immerse myself in his world because the writing was so vivid and honestly made me reevaluate a lot about myself adjdjslg. I'm not much of a quote person but "the Beauty of the House is immeasurable; its Kindness infinite" lives rent-free in my mind because 1. it appears at two key points in the novel and both iterations echo the other brilliantly in their respective context and thus add even more meaning to the quote and 2. i think it's a beautiful metaphor for the world we live in, which leads me to the next point

what i mostly clung to during my reading experience was the theme of confinement to a specific physical space, which can feel suffocating and limited. susanna clarke suffers from a chronic illness that has kept her within the confines of her home for many years and this book very much reflects that. from my personal experience with that theme, i was less reminded of how thematically relevant it was in the middle of a pandemic, and more about how much goodness there is still in this world at a time where everything seems so bleak, and unkind. i myself suffer from an ugly case of chronic cynicism which i think is very unappealing lmao but at least I'm self-aware! being reminded that we live in a world where kindness is indeed infinite in the smallest and biggest of ways is the balm that my shriveled soul truly needed. i guess it's my emotional support quote lmao.

then we have the setting of the book which, while limited spatially, is also so full of wonderful things and imaginative configurations that i was just in awe of everything that was being done with it. the plot is closely tied to the setting and i really want to keep this spoiler-free (just in case) so I'm not going to delve too deeply into it but i'd love to visit this place and have piranesi guide me through the labyrinth of the House and the many wonders (and tragedies) that it holds.

finally we have the MYSTERY and omg i love picking up the clues and kind of forming my own theories along the way bc it truly isn't an in-your-face mystery like a thriller would be. we buddy-read this with some ppl from the book club so the experience of sharing our theories made it all the more pleasant. i really loved how clarke presented the many mysteries of the story in such a subtle yet gripping manner that soon i was just obsessed with knowing who was whom and what they wanted from piranesi and who piranesi was and how this all came to be. all the different players felt fully fleshed out and made me feel veeeery strongly (i.e. i wanted to kill some of them like literally daydreaming about choking them to death... not to sound unhinged or anything). they provided such good foils to piranesi's inherent goodness and all that they lacked in terms of decency. their shamelessness and infinite greed and how they see piranesi as a pawn to use set my teeth on edge so i was just biding my time for the karmic retribution that they'd get akjdlkgj also great exploration of how ambition can be the downfall of mankind

then we have all the clever-people-themes of neoclassicism and philosophy and plato's cave and whatnot and it's not what held my attention so i can't speak much on it bc I'm not one of those clever people who picked upon these themes LMAO but I'll for sure spend more time unpacking these layers on my re-read of this book because there are so many smart ideas hidden in the nooks and crannies of this story that i think you could get something different from each read, kind of like i feel about pride & prejudice by jane austen which offers me new delights to enjoy upon each re-read.

honestly i have so much more to say about how religion is handled, the rituals surrounding grief and their importance in the celebration and respect of of life, birds being amazing creatures, identity and how it can create contradictions etc etc but at this point i might as well just write a college essay on literally every theme explored in this book because it was just SO GOOD! thank u piranesi for me life

tl;dr this book made me feel like my brain was buried in a thick coat of dust and let some much-needed air in

[gayoperatorgunclub]

For the ultimate ship meme, Lion and Doc? I'm sorry, I'm LionDoc trash-

it’s all good!! whenever someone sends in an ask, i get an excuse to talk/write about one of my interests! really, it makes me so happy to be able to create content that people hopefully enjoy!! 💝💝💝

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - until the end of time, babey

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - it was love at first sight but then they started talking i do think it was some form of ~interest~ in one another at first sight, but then all that drama and lack of communication happened so they didn’t really allow themselves to even dream about the possibility of a relationship. HOWEVER! once lion joined rainbow and they talked their shit out like people who know how to cope, there was a period of a few months that is now referred to as The Four Months of Pining™, during which glaz did a lot of paintings where the subject (who usually bears an uncanny resemblance to doc or lion) is staring at something (or someone) longingly. he calls it his french period. when they finally get together, a LOT of money changes hands. and goes straight into sledge’s pocket (he was the only one who bet that it would take them this long). diana gets a brand new collar (handmade), bed (handmade), dish (handmade), and many new toys (some handmade, some store-bought. sledge’s craftsmanship can only get him so far) 

How was their first kiss? - you know how the french are supposed to be super suave and confident??? and how gay people are trying their hardest but they’re just Not Good at things????? (i know these are stereotypes but stay with me). well, with their 5/8 french blood (i hc one of doc’s parents is fully algerian while the other is half french, half algerian), and their 4/4 gay blood, they have an 81.25% chance of success in matters of the heart. sadly, that 18.75% chance of failure came into play during this situation. picture it. doc and lion. romantic, home-cooked dinner. le festin is playing in the background. they’re holding hands over the table. suddenly, doc’s cat goes into labour. all hell breaks loose. lion is getting flashbacks to his son’s birth, so now he’s hyperventilating. doc carries him to the couch and turns on the fan so he can cool off and catch his breath, before carefully moving his cat, Rayie (arabic for gorgeous, pronounced rye-ah) to the living room in his handmade Birthing Box, then grabs a pile of blankets and a heat lamp and situates himself on the ground nearby so he can help her if she needs it. once the kittens are born (they’re twins!! Sadiqi is the boy, and Amirti is the girl!!!) doc makes sure they’re nice and warm and that Rayie is recovering, and gives her pets while she cleans her babies. once the happy family is all settled in for the night, doc walks over to the couch and just. lays down on top of lion. once he’s gotten over the adrenaline of the birth, he takes lion’s face in his hands and says “promise me you’ll be more calm if we ever decide to have kids” and gives him a BIG smooch while lion’s just short-circuiting like “does he know i have a son???? did i forget to mention my son?????? also what about these kittens??? are they not sufficiently childish to count as children????? DOES HE WANT KIDS????? does he want to marry me??????? wait why is he getting so clo-”

Wedding:

Who proposed? - lion. it was the day of their two year anniversary (yes i AM saying they got together the august after outbreak don’t @ me) and they were on vacation at doc’s family’s Secret Beach House. they were vibing on the balcony, watching the sunset, when lion suddenly clears his throat. doc turns to look at him and finds his boyfriend down on one knee, looking like he might flee to Bermuda. he’s reaching for something in his pocket. doc starts laughing. lion, completely misunderstanding his reaction, flushes and stammers out an apology. doc sees this, and immediately stops, though he’s still smiling gleefully as he catches lion by the biceps, then reaches into his own pocket and pulls the ring he was going to give olivier. they exchange rings, giggling like little kids, and spend the rest of the night making out on whatever surfaces are available. 

Who is the best man/men? - for lion? montagne. (his son is the ring bearer and doc’s niece is the flower girl). for doc? rook. he’s so happy he gets to participate in his dad’s wedding

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? - for lion: finka. for doc: twitch

Who did the most planning? - both of them!! do you know how hard they worked to ensure the ceremony was valid in the eyes of both of their religions

Who stressed the most? - s e e  a b o v e

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - lion’s parents. they tried to call him during the reception but doc’s grandma grabbed his phone and started cussing them out, talking about dishonor and how they tried to disown him so they’re not his parents anymore, and besides, his new family absolutely adores him, so really, it’s their loss. once she hangs up, she pulls lion into a hug and he calls her his favorite, if only, grand-mère

Sex:

Who is on top? - who’s topping? lion. but sometimes doc gets bitchy so he gets to set the pace if you know what i mean

Who is the one to instigate things? - they are both lowkey horny 24/7 so 👀👀👀

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now (only because they do get to see each other fairly often. if one goes on a long mission without the other, once they get back they will bump it up to a 10 real quick)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - idk long enough ig. maybe longer if someone feels they’ve been left ~unsatisfied~ they might go a few more rounds ;))

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - ok it depends on what they’re doing but usually it’s one or two each, but on ~special~ occasions it’s either doc getting edged and denied for hours, OR doc getting forced to come over and over again until he’s begging for something, whether it be more or a goddamn break even he isn’t really sure. either way he’s crying and lion is consistently asking if he needs to safeword and otherwise checking in because they may like it rough but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - unless someone’s hormones and organs get fucked, zero

How many children will they adopt? - probably none?? idk they’ve already got lion’s son and they’re both busy enough with work so

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - NEITHER!!!!! DISGUSTANG!!!!!!!!!

Who is the stricter parent? - god i wanna say both. like lion and his attachment to rules??? but doc and his Mom Friend energy????? but ig lion BUT HE’S NOT STRICT TO THE POINT HE’S A BUZZKILL OR ANYTHING HE’S JUST RESPONSIBLE (he will NOT allow his husband and son to go vandalize the property of some islamaphobic brits, as much as he agrees with the sentiment) 

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - doc will only allow vandalism if it’s in the name of righteousness. meaning, he’ll allow their son to spray paint the walls of a goddamn walmart with shit like “eat the rich” and a portrait of robespierre and a guillotine, but it is a HARD NO on defacing places like the library or community center (unless he has a good reason to do so). lion spends his time praying and making sure his son knows which acts of civil disobedience are acceptable and which are distorting their goal 

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - doc. he (privately) dreams of retiring (eventually) and living out his lifelong dreams of being a househusband. so

Who is the more loved parent? - SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IM GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS. but ig lion??? BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEIR SON HAS KNOWN HIM LONGER. doc is half Dad and half Cool Uncle Who Gives Me Spray Paint And Tells Me To Make Myself Heard (to clarify, i know doc is a pacifist, but im kinda projecting my own sentiment of “we’ve tried to be peaceful but you wouldn’t give us the time of day. now that we’ve “acted out” we’ve gotten your attention, and rest assured, things are going to change.” he won’t hurt anybody, he’s just tired of having to be everyone’s “muslim friend” and educating people on things they could google themselves)

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - it used to be lion out of necessity, but when people started asking about his “wife” he was really torn between telling them that he and his son’s mother separated, but now he has a partner and his son seems very happy about it. when doc finally attends a meeting with lion, people really struggle to hide their shock. a few clunky but well-meaning “we support you”’s and “we’re sorry for everything that’s been going on”’s later, doc has used his charm to make friends with literally everyone. from then on, he is on pta duty on behalf of lion and his ex

Who cried the most at graduation? - lion! his parents purposefully didn’t show at his, so it’s a big deal for him to show his son just how proud he is. doc tears up a little too, but manages to mostly keep it together so he can support lion, who spends most of the day heave-crying about how proud he is into his husband’s shoulder. gustave just pats him on the back and tells him that they’ll run out of donuts if they don’t get to the concession stand soon

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - doc. civil disobedience, baby!! he has never been caught. lion fears the law after his youth, so he tries to avoid any visits to law enforcement. he also can’t stand to see his son behind bars

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - doc. househusband, remember?

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - doc, but only because he can be a bit of a spice supremacist. he has to get his ingredients from these very specific farms and markets or else his great grandmother will begin manifesting in their house to curse them

Who does the grocery shopping? - doc, bc he does NOT trust lion to not just sweep all of the microwave ramen and kraft mac n cheese into the cart then sprint to self-checkout

How often do they bake desserts? - whenever possible. doc and maestro live by the philosophy “don’t do anything halfway” if they’re going to go through the trouble of making a meal, it will have multiple courses. 

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - doc is more of a salad eater but only for ease of consumption with halal laws. he adores filet mignon

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - lion! maestro enlists himself as assistant head chef after walking into the base’s kitchen one day to find lion covered in flour and lying facedown on the floor, crying

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - also lion! though he’s memorized doc’s order at all of their favorite restaurants, so he usually just gets take out and puts on a big show of being a “tired housewife who works in the kitchen all day just for this one meal” and setting up the table so it’s all nice and romantic

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - lion. he tried crème brûlée once. never again 

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - lion. organization is everything to this man. doc helps with laundry and such, but for the most part he leaves organization to lion and his systems (think leslie knope levels of planning and organization)

Who is really against chores? - neither! they both understand that teamwork makes the dream work, baby!!

Who cleans up after the pets? - doc, since lion’s already asked him which color hanger should represent “clothes i can tear off my husband before we fuck” and he needs a Moment

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - neither. they don’t own a broom

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - lion because of the deep-seated catholic urge to appear perfect in front of others, and doc because people will gossip, olivier!

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - lion. he immediately called doc into the room and asked “is this your stash of drug money?” doc, who had been asleep because it was 3 in the morning on a saturday, just stares at him

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - it is so bold to assume they don’t shower together to “cut costs”

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - lion is known in their neighborhood as the man who walks cats. there is a facebook page where people post pictures of him walking his cats. vigil is an admin

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - LITERALLY EVERY HOLIDAY GETS DECORATIONS. lion makes his own for the muslim holidays since there really aren’t many “of good quality” in stores. when they first started dating, doc came home to find his house covered in ramadan decorations, and lion standing precariously on a ladder, trying to string up fairy lights while learning how to pronounce important arabic words. needless to say, doc cries

What are their goals for the relationship? - mutual joy and contentment!!!! 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - doc. he’s sleepy

Who plays the most pranks? - lion, but they’re stupid ones like replacing certain pictures with danny devito. doc gets back at him by replacing pictures of jesus with ewan mcgregor, and putting yoda into his nativity scene. lion doesn’t notice

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[nad-zeta]

Match up! (✪‿✪)ノ

Hi i was wondering if you could do a ikevamp mashup for me! I’m very antisocial and I love to work hard. It takes me a long time to get used to people and when I do I get cautious when they learn my religion, pegan/Wiccan. I love studying different cultures and religions. I love to learn self defense and I really want to learn horseback riding. I’m also very shortish but I surround myself with tall people. And I always have and open ear, mind, and arms for anyone! I hope I’m not asking for too much I’ll understand!

Hi hi, love! ❤🌻Thanks so much for the request! I am so sorry for taking soooooo long!😱🙈 You are most definitely not asking for too much dear!🌻❤ I legit love doing these match ups so thanks again for the request! 😆I hope you enjoy this and I hope you have a super good day! @acethephoenix256 ❤🌻

Hehe, so I was between Napoleon and Jean for me, and after spending a long time thinking about it I finally decided on……

So I match you with………………….. Jean

The first time you arrive at the mansion it is actually Napoleon who, takes you under his brotherly wing and befriends you. He sees how antisocial you are and as designated ‘get introverts and tsundere out of their shell person’ Napoleon enlists himself as your very own mansion big brother.

Your hard-working nature earned you the respect and trust of all those in the mansion. Sabastian was ecstatic that he finally had some help around the mansion, and honestly, he couldn’t ask for a better person to aid him in the daily runnings of the household. You were a quick learner, and you did your work with speed, accuracy and perfection. Sabastian TBH has never met someone as hard-working and diligent as you. After some time, you and the butler also befriend each other; however, your secret about your religion remained just that a secret. You really liked both Sabastian and Napoleon but you were still wary of them, you were always cautious when people learned your religion, so you best thought to keep it a secret for the time being. 

There however was one person in particular that you couldn’t help but feel drawn to and that was Jean. The two of you have been curiously watching each other since you arrived. Of course Napoleon took notice of your interest in each other and decided to give the two of you a little push. Napoleon had heard from Sabastian that one of your goals in life was to learn how to ride a horse. And it just so happened that the two of the best riders in the mansion was Napoleon and Jean. During one of your conversations with the former emperor, he offered to teach you how to ride, and offer which you excitingly accepted.

You waited at the stables for Napoleon to show up and give you your lesson. It had been 10 minutes already and still no Napoleon, so you started to wander around the stables while you waited. As you wandered around aimlessly, a large black horse caught your attention, the horse seemed to be on edge. You carefully approached the black beauty and very meekly held out your hand, reaching out as not to startle the already panicked horse. You remembered watching a show on TV once that spoke about the best way to approach a startled animal. You remember the main tip was to approach them slowly without making any sudden movements or eye contact, so you did just that. The black horse sniffed your hand before pushing her nose into the palm of your hand, an action which seemed to have calmed her down a bit. You then brought your other hand to gently stroke the horses face. 

Jean stood at the stable’s entrance in complete awe. The black horse was quite a temperamental creature and usually, wouldn’t let anyone besides himself to even get close to it. The poor horse was heavily abused and had a great mistrust of humans. Jean had stumbled upon the poor creature during one of his walks, and his heart broke to see such a beautiful creature being treated so poorly. He had rescued the animal and brought it to the mansion; however, he had been the only one permitted to touch him, well, that is until now.  

“Mademoiselle, you must be a truly wonderful person for Midnight to allow you to touch her.” You retracted your hand from the horse feeling slightly startled. Jean, then went on to explain that Napoleon had conveniently forgotten that he had promised his students that he would teach them reading that afternoon and ask him to teach you to ride a horse in his absence. You gave a small nod and smile, you low key did want to get to know this mysterious man better, and if he was willing to teach you to ride a horse, you were more than happy. 

Jean was an incredibly patient kind man and took his time going over all the basics, from explaining the function of every strap and stirrups, to saddling and mounting the horse. By the end of the lesson you could successfully saddle up a horse, you gave Jean a small smile and thanked him for giving you such an informative lesson. 

At your next lesson the exact same thing happened, and then the next and then the next. Napoleon every afternoon without fail would conveniently forget an errand that he had to run, and pass the job as teacher onto his friend Jean. You actually through these lessons started becoming more and more used to Jean, and soon you were comfortable enough to start opening up a bit more to the man. 

By this time, he had taught you all the basics, and you were finally ready to put your lessons to use and go on your first out ride. To say you were nervous would be an understatement, but with the help of Jean’s reassurance and encouragement, the two of you set off on an adventure. The two of you trotted through the countryside and then decided to take a break near a river. You freed the horses and let them graze on the lushes green grass, as you sat beneath a great big willow tree. Jean joined you under the shade of the tree and handed you some lunch, that Sebastian had packed for the two of you. As the two of you ate your lunch Jean couldn't help but want to get to know you slightly better.

He had noticed that you were very much into nature and the cycles of the moon, so he decided to ask you about it. Your guard had gone up instantly, you really liked Jean and the last thing you wanted was for him to judge you for your beliefs. As if sensing your defence, he then proceeded to change the subject slightly by telling you about his culture and religion, in hopes to get you to relax around him once more. You stared up at him bright-eyed, relaxing again slightly as you loved learning about different cultures and religions. It was especially fascinating to hear about Jeans experiences being from so far back in the past. 

You listened to Jean low key pour his heart out about his past and what had led him to the decision of becoming a vampire. He also told you how he now feels like a monster, a sinner, someone who is impure and undeserving of love. As he told you the tale of his life everything started falling into place and you had realized the reason as to why he never seemed to want to get too close to you. He thought that someone as impure as him belonged in the darkness and shadows away from someone as pure, innocent and beautiful as you. 

Your heart truly went out to him, especially when you saw the pain and regret swirling around in his eye, and that is when you decided to confide in him. You had told him of your religion/beliefs, that you were a pagan and that most people feared you, or judged you immensely once you revealed this piece of information to them. Jean simply sat and listen to you, he too had lost many a friend over the topic of religion. He surprised you when he curiously asked you all about your religion and its practices. He honestly found it so interesting and fascinating and hung onto your every word. The two of you spent the whole afternoon in deep conversation about religion of all topic.

By the time the two of you had arrived back at the mansion the sun had long ago dipped beneath the horizon. Sebastian and Comte were pacing around the entrance thinking the worst. Just before they decided to send a search party to find the two of you, you walked through the door. They took one look at yours and Jean’s faces and couldn’t even be mad at the two of you arriving home so late, and making them worry. As they had just witnessed something they had never really seen before in all their years, and that would be Jean genuinely smiling.

The two of you had since started spending a lot more time with each other. Jean had discovered that you also wanted to learn self-defence, so he decided to teach you some moves. He took you to the training hall where he taught you everything from fending off unwanted advances, to disarming potential attackers. You honestly had so much fun during your lessons with Jean. You had soon come to realize that under his mysterious persona laid a hilariously funny goofball. He at times would honestly make the punniest jokes, all while wearing the most beautiful smile. He would of course make these jokes just to be able to see your radiant smile light up the room. Jean also really enjoyed finally having another person to spar with other than his dear friend Napoleon, when his mind would feel crowded with negative thoughts.

You loved that Jean was a bit of a romantic and that he always seemed to remember even the smallest details you would reveal to him. He knew you loved nature so he would take you on little dates outside, like a walk in the forest, playing with his little tiger cub or simply stargazing. One night as the two of you was gazing up at the night sky, Jean turned to you and confessed his feelings for you. You too had long ago fallen in love with Jean, so you practically tackled him to the ground in a tight hug when he said that he loved you.

Jean, honestly loved everything about you from your open mind to your kind sweet, caring nature, helping anyone in need and never turning a hurt soul away. He will be forever thankful to you for helping him heal from some of his past traumas. You were the one who saved him from the darkness of his own mind and accepted him for who he was.

Jean absolutely loves to hold and cuddle you, showering you with endless amounts of affection. He is not big on PDA so if the two of you cuties are out on a walk or at a banquet he will opt to gently hold your hand in his or only give you a small kiss on the cheek as a display of his affection. Jean loves to give you small kisses on the tip of your nose, and you can’t help but chuckle slightly at the blush that would spread across his face whenever he would do this in public. 

He loves going horse riding with you and exploring new places. Often the two of you would go out horse riding together and then rest nestled together under the shade of a tree. All while sharing a romantic picnic 

The two of you cuties have also taken over a small section of the garden and have started gardening together. Jean found that spending time in nature and gardening has a way of calming his mind. After he shared his love for gardening with you, you low key fell in love with it as well. When the two of you are together, its always a good time, whether it’s playing in the garden, while planting herbs or laughing at Jeans terrible flower puns you can’t help but wear a bright, radiant smile around the soft boi

Because both of you share a love in learning about different cultures and religions, it is not uncommon for the two of you to visit the library or bookshop during your dates. The two of you would sit and read together for hours and hours and once you are done, you would go to the nearest café to discuss your new-found knowledge over a cup of tea.

Jean truly sends up a prayer of thanks everyday for having met such a wonderful amazing person

Other potential matches................ Napoleon 

I hope you enjoyed this love! And i hope you have a super good day! 🌻

[christabelq]

REVIEW OF...

DREAMS OF DARK AND LIGHT: THE GREAT SHORT FICTION OF TANITH LEE

I’ve never read a Tanith Lee book that I didn’t like and this was no exception. It’s a retrospective of her first ten years as a writer and contains twenty-three short stories. They all fall under the heading of fantasy, horror or science fiction, yet no two are alike, and even when the subject is familiar (e.g. vampires), she manages to come up with a completely fresh take on it. The prose is wonderful as well – highly descriptive, but with an almost musical quality. There really isn’t anyone else who writes like her. I have to confess, as a would-be writer myself, she leaves me a little in awe.

Some of the stories in the book are based in the past, some in the present and some in the future, but they all have a timeless feel to them. They are filled with evocative images that remain with you long after you have finished reading and characters who are both memorable and well-rounded. When I think about them now, it almost feels like I didn’t read them, but they were actually dreams… voyages into an infinitely inventive imagination. It would be too ambitious to try and cover them all in this review, so I’m just going to focus on a few favorites. BITE-ME-NOT / FLEUR DE FUR This is a story that often appears in anthologies and is a great introduction to Lee’s work, because it includes many of her hallmarks – an original premise, a timeless fairy-tale quality, striking imagery, beautiful use of language, etc. It is about winged vampires who hunt the skies like birds of prey. These vampires have an angelic beauty and sing hauntingly as they fly, but are driven by instinct alone and have little capacity for thought. They live in a remote land and have laid siege to a castle, desperate to feed on the blood of the inhabitants. The castle is securely locked up at night, but this only makes them more determined to get inside, and one night, their prince manages it. Unfortunately for him he is wounded in a fight with a menagerie lion and captured. Meanwhile, the Duke who owns the castle has come across a servant who bears a striking resemblance to his dead daughter. He believes his daughter has somehow returned to him and adopts her as his own. Then she encounters the prince of the vampires and falls in love with him, but this is Tanith Lee, so don’t expect a conventional happy ever after love story. This really is a great story which stays with you long after you have finished it. The characterization is good and it has some nice twists. The themes include love, family, secrets, beauty and power. Definitely a highlight of the collection. A DAY IN THE SKIN I’ve picked this story out, because it is the first science fiction one and has a very different tone to BITE-ME-NOT. It is set on a planet occupied by colonists from Earth. A terrible accident has killed off most of the inhabitants, but the technology exists to keep their souls in storage and an arrangement has been in put in place that allows them to take turns inhabiting the few surviving bodies. The actual owners of the bodies are displaced and have to take turns along with everyone else, and the story is narrated by one of them as he is placed into the body of a woman for a day and meets one of his friends in the body of man. It’s a fascinating concept and Lee handles it well. She does a good job of getting into the head of the main character and does some nice world-building. The themes here include friendship, freedom, technology and survival. I didn’t like the story as much as BITE-ME-NOT, but it definitely shows the author’s versatility. A LYNX WITH LIONS This story, which I think may have been original to the anthology, is a second adventure of the character Cyrion, who appears earlier in CYRION IN WAX and in other stories not included in the collection. This time, Cyrion has gone to the aid of the leader of a tribe of nomads who used to be his mentor. The leader tells him he believes his son is planning to murder him, but as Cyrion quickly discovers, there is more to the situation than meets the eye. It is a tale of magic and demons with an Arabian Nights feel to it which I really enjoyed and which suits Lee’s writing style very well. Lee skillfully brings the world of the nomads to life and really keeps you on the edge of your seat with the twists and turns. Otherness is a key theme here, along with power, loyalty, truth and religion. MAGRITTE’S SECRET AGENT This is one of the few stories in the book with a contemporary setting. It is told in the first person and is about an art student who becomes infatuated with a man in a wheelchair after his mom brings him into the shop where she is working to collect an order. The order isn’t ready, so she offers to deliver it to their house, so she can see the man again. She finds out he is unable to care for himself, but can’t get him out of her head and comes up with another excuse to visit him. His mom then tells her a strange story about his conception, which gives her the idea that he might like to see the ocean. His mom is resistant to the idea, but she takes him anyway. I won’t tell you what happens next, as I don’t want to spoil the ending. The story is named after a real Magritte painting, which is used a framing device and ties in nicely with the surrealist narrative. The writing is wonderful as always and the characters felt very real. Things I especially enjoyed were the way the narrator’s growing obsession with the man in the wheelchair is dealt with and the way the fantastical slowly encroaches on reality. MEDRA This is another science fiction story, but the fairy tale quality that Lee is so good at is much more in evidence than in A Day in the Skin. It takes place in a partly ruined city on a planet that has been abandoned by everyone except the title character, who lives on the 89th floor of a luxurious hotel. The hotel is entirely automated and Medra never leaves it, spending most of her time projecting her consciousness out across space. Then one day, she is visited by an adventurer, who is searching for a powerful war machine. The two fall in love and make plans to leave together, only to find that Medra cannot go. It’s a bitter sweet story about love and duty, which really makes you feel for the main character who has everything she needs to survive, but is consigned to a life of perpetual loneliness. The idea of her living alone at the top of a hotel very much put me in mind of Rapunzel, though unlike Rapunzel, Medra is not rescued from her fate by the hero. The story has a dreamlike narrative which immediately pulls you in, but only gradually yields its secrets. The world building is excellent too. There is just the right amount of detail and images like the abandoned city, the skeletal birds and the hotel with its wedding cake architecture and climbing lizards are among the most memorable in the whole book. All in all it’s a story I would highly recommend. NUNC DIMITTIS I wanted to talk about this one because it’s another vampire story, yet completely different from BITE-ME-NOT. It’s about the human servant of an ancient vampire who finds he is close to death and sets out to find someone to replace him. He goes to a café for a drink and as he leaves a young man attempts to rob him. The man is just the kind of person he is looking for – handsome and strong – so he overpowers him and takes him to meet his mistress. The changing of the guard then begins. The aristocratic vampire in this story is very much in the traditional vein and is even called Darejan Draculas in a tip of the hat to the famous count. It is beautifully written (as usual) and although you anticipate the ending, it keeps you guessing about how it is going to get there. Some of the ideas are reminiscent of the novel LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (and its two movie adaptations), though I have no idea if this is just coincidence or if Lee’s story was an influence. Personally I don’t think this story is as good as BITE-ME-NOT, but I do feel it shows how good Lee was at finding different ways to explore a theme. SOUTHERN LIGHTS If I had to choose a favorite story in the collection, this is probably the one I would go with (after a lot of deliberation). It takes place in a quasi-historical land and is about a woman called Jaisel, who rather than becoming a wife and/or mother as society expects, has chosen a life as a wandering warrior. She likes the freedom, but it is a lonely existence and she often has to put up with being jeered and spat at. One evening, as she is travelling through some mountains in winter, she decides to seek shelter in a convenient town. The gates have been locked for the night, but she is able to bribe her way inside. As she wanders the streets looking for an inn, she meets a girl who has come to collect water from a well. She fills the girl’s buckets for her and carries them back to her house, hoping she might be able to stay with her for the night. The girl invites her in to meet her father, a blind alchemist who specializes in making clockwork devices, and they agree to let Jaisel stay with them. Then as the girl shows Jaisal to her room, she propositions her. Jaisal thinks the girl has mistaken her for a man and tells her she isn’t, but the girl says, “What does it matter? Love is love?” Jaisel is attracted to her, but suspects (rightly) that things are not quite as they seem. There are lots of things I love about this story – the atmosphere, the air of mystery, the pacing, the clockwork toys and automatons. It’s the characters and their interaction that really caught my attention, though. Jaisal was my favorite, as I love to see strong female characters defying the constraints of a patriarchy, but the alchemist was great too – quirky and a little sinister. I was kind of disappointed that the attraction between Jaisal and the girl didn’t lead anywhere, but can understand why that wouldn’t have worked in the context of the story and felt it was very nicely handled. The themes here include otherness, loneliness, love, family and the concept of life. It’s a story I will certainly remember and heartily recommend. WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES I’ve mentioned a few times how a lot of the stories in this collection have a fairy tale quality to them; this one actually reimagines a fairy tale, namely CINDERELLA. The Cinderella character (who refers to herself as Ashrella) is the daughter of a witch who is attempting to use magic to take revenge on the ruling Duke for murdering her family in his rise to power. Ashrella aids her mother in this and when her mother commits suicide to evade punishment for witchcraft, continues the work in her place. Ashrella’s father remarries and it is the introduction of the stepmother and her two daughters which first alerts us to the CINDERELLA connection. When she reaches the age of seventeen, Ashrella succeeds in killing the Duke and his son replaces him. The famous ball takes place in honor of the prince’s birthday as in CINDERELLA, but the outcome is somewhat different. It’s an intriguing story which subverts the traditional tropes of the fairy tale. Gone is the goody two-shoes heroine who needs to be rescued from a downtrodden existence by a fairy godmother and ends up being swept off her feet the handsome prince, replaced by a powerful woman of action who is seen to be in control of her own destiny and achieves everything she sets out to. This is not to say that she is entirely likeable, however; she very much loses our sympathies when she punishes the virtuous prince for the sins of his father. All the characters in this story are morally complex, rather than being either good or bad, and no one lives happily ever after. If you like reinterpretations of fairy tales then this really is essential reading. WOLFLAND This story really put me in mind of Angela Carter’s collection, THE BLOODY CHAMBER. It is about a girl called Lisel who receives a summons to visit her fabulously rich grandmother. Lisel hasn’t been in her grandmother’s presence since the day of her birth and doesn’t want to go, but agrees because she hopes to inherit her grandmother’s wealth. She puts on a hooded cloak of scarlet velvet (in true Red Riding Hood style) and sets out for her grandmother’s chateau with some of her father’s servants. They are intercepted on the road by two of her grandmother’s servants, who insist that she dismiss her father’s servants and travel the rest of the way with them. Wolves run alongside their carriage as they go, but they make it safely to the chateau. Understandably the encounter with the wolves makes Lisel uneasy and her uneasiness grows as she starts to spend time with her grandmother, who is not only eccentric, but as it turns out, is hiding a dark secret. I won’t tell you what this secret is, though I may have given it away with the references to Angela Carter and Red Riding Hood. Instead let me tell you what I like about the story. The imagery is great as always (the wintery landscape, the isolated chateau) and the characters are memorable, especially the grandmother and her beautiful dwarf servant. Again, it reads like a fairy tale, but like WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES very much subverts the genre. The grandmother is a strong woman who has managed to find a way to escape an abusive marriage and we very much get the sense that Lisel is cut from the same cloth. Spoiler alert – they do not get eaten by the wolves and no rescuing huntsmen is required. If you’re a fan of THE BLOODY CHAMBER like me, then you are definitely going to enjoy this story. *** That’s all the stories I’m going to talk about, though to be honest I find it hard to stop, as there were things I enjoyed about all of them. What’s great about this book is you don’t have to read it all in one go, but can just dip in and out of it. That wasn’t what I did, mind you – once I’d started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. My only real criticism is I don’t think the book is very well-structured, which is obviously the editor’s fault, as opposed to Tanith Lee’s. The stories are simply set out in alphabetical order, which seems a bit random. It also means BECAUSE OUR SKINS ARE FINER is placed at the beginning, when I personally feel it isn’t one of the strongest stories and doesn’t do a very good job of drawing you in. Perhaps it would have been better for the stories to have been chronological, so we could follow Lee’s development as a writer, or for there to have been some kind of thematic grouping. It certainly didn’t spoil my enjoyment of it – it just seems like it could have been better thought out. Anyway I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that my final conclusion is this is a book I would definitely recommend.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Layers Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Stephanie. Age: 31. Birthday: July 28th. Gender: Female. Zodiac Sign: Leo.

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have two brothers. Do you have any pets? I have a doggo. Do you still live with your parents? Yep. Do you have any stepparents? No. How many cousins do you have? Like over 50. Only two of them are from my dad’s side.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? My mom. Who have you been friends with the longest? -- What do you like to do with your friends? -- Do you have more friends online or in real life? -- What is a good way to make friends with others? *shrug*

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? A duplex. How many rooms are there in your house? 2 bedrooms. Is your home large or small? It’s small. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? My room. It has my bed and all my stuff and I spend majority of my time in here. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? With friends I preferred going to theirs. I don’t like playing hostess.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Nope. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? No, cause I’m a paraplegic. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? Nope. Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? I’ve never been in one, but I’m still going to say no. It wouldn’t go well for me. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? I haven’t played with a yo-yo since I was a kid, but I never could get the hang of any tricks. I couldn’t even get it to go back up easily.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? I haven’t felt inspired in a long time. :/ Who helps you maintain your sanity? Uhhh. Who do you go to most often for advice? I don’t ask for advice very often to be honest. Who knows you better than you know yourself? I don’t even know myself anymore. Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? My mom and brother.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Yeah. I’ve never liked the crust. Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I don’t finish my meal completely ever because I get full fast and I’m such a slow eater that everyone is done for awhile and I feel bad having them wait. Depending on what it is I might take the leftovers home, but honestly I usually don’t. Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? Yep. Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? I haven’t read a magazine in several years. I used to all the time as a teenager. Do you make friends easily? I don’t have an issue getting along with people, but I don’t develop friendships with a lot of people. I don’t really try either to be honest. Especially not these past few years. I haven’t tried or wanted to make any friends.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? 3 people and a doggo. How many pets have you had in your lifetime? A couple hamsters, 4 doggos, and a fish tank full of fish. How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? Uhh. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m all that great at anything. How many meals do you eat a day? Usually just two. How many people can you honestly tolerate? Just a few people at a time.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? I’m done with school and I don’t have a job. How do you deal with a breakup? Not well. How do you like to help others? I used to try and help people with what I could when I could, but admittedly I haven’t been very helpful or useful to anyone, including myself. How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? I guess I don’t know because I truly thought I did with Ty, but that went nowhere. How do you sleep in bed? I sleep in the middle slightly turned to my left with my head propped up.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? I believe in heaven and hell. What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? At home I call for my mom and ask her to bring some or I have to just get up and get some more from the bathroom pantry. What do you eat most often? Wingstop and ramen. What toys did you enjoy most as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies. What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? I don’t know what I would do.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? I’m more of takeout gal, even pre-COVID, which now takeout is all I do, but anyway I love getting Wingstop and breakfast from this local place. Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? I’m not a big ice cream person and haven’t had any at all in years, but apart from the common places like Baskin Robbins and Cold Stone, I know we have a few trendy, cool ice cream places in town I haven’t been to thatI hear are really good. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? We met through a mutual friend. Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? Here at home, most likely in bed on my laptop. Where can you find the best French fries? This local place has delicious beer battered garlic fries.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? I don’t remember exactly when I found out about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, but I stopped believing in Santa when I was 8. I feel like I stopped believing in the other two prior to that. When do you typically fall asleep? Around 6 or 7AM. When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? I don’t remember. When do you feel most comfortable? When I’m lounging in bed. When did you last go to the bathroom? A couple hours ago.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? I’ve enjoyed taking them for so long now it’s hard to imagine a time where I no longer do them. I mean, here I am at 31 and see no stopping in sight. I think they’re good distractions and give me a place to vent and ramble as well when needed. They’re like my diary entries. Why do people gossip so much? They’re bored and other people’s lives are either more interesting or they serve as a distraction from their own. Why can’t humans fly? We don’t have wings. Why aren’t you doing something else right now? I want to be doing this. Why is the sky blue? Cause that is the color God intended it to be.

Layer 14: If...

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I’d pay of mine, my parents’ and my brother’s debts first, then I’d buy us a bigger house and furnish/decorate it, do some other shopping, travel for sure, and then I’d have to be smart and careful and save as well after having some fun. If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? I honestly don’t know. It would depend on a lot of things and if I did, it would take time and work. If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yes, absolutely.  If you could have any food right now, what would you like?   I just had ramen so I’m good right now. If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? Freaking out? ha.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? Like 5 or 6. Who was your first teacher that you ever had? I don’t remember my preschool teacher’s name. When did you first learn how to ride a bike? I didn’t. When was the first time you had sex? I haven’t. Did your first birthday have a theme to it? I’d have to ask my mom.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: My brother. Last drink you sipped: Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. Last time you rode a bike: -- Last time you swam in a pool: Like 8 years ago. Last person you hugged: My aunt.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow. Favorite Season: Fall and winter. Favorite Shape: Hearts and stars. Favorite Letter: I don’t have one. Favorite Number: 8.

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Movies or Television? Both. Phone or Tablet? Phone. Fruits or Vegetables? I like some of both. Animals or Humans? Animals, ha.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? Let’s go with Jigglypuff. Which day of the week is your favorite? I don’t have one. My days all blend together. Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? Various ones throughout my life. Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas. Which shoe do you put on first? I think my right.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? Joseph. How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Twice. Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? No. Have you ever been engaged or married before? No. Do you have any children? Nooo.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? I wanted to be a teacher. What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I have no idea. :/ What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? I haven’t achieved any in a long time. What is a goal you are still striving to reach? I should be setting some, but... Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Honor roll certificates and award from school clubs I was in.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice. Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? Both sets of grandparents were the ones who tried to influence me in that way and they were of different religions, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Christians. It made things very confusing and complicated and I struggled with what I believed for a very long time. I went through phases of being atheist, agnostic, and then slowly started to open up towards Christianity. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? I don’t want to get into that. For or against the death penalty? It’s very complicated. Thoughts on assisted suicide? That’s a very touchy, sensitive subject.

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? Saturday, March 6th. What’s the weather like outside? It’s currently 46F. What have you eaten? So far just ramen. Did you run any errands? It’s only 5:21AM, but I won’t be going anywhere today. What time is it? ^^^

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? I don’t have a job. Did you eat out anywhere? I had breakfast delivered and then got Wingstop takeout for dinner. Was it snowing? No, it doesn’t snow here. Who did you last say goodnight to? My mom. Did anything unusual happen? No.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? Nope, I finished school back in 2015. Does this day have any sort of significance to you? No. What is a chore that needs to get done? I don’t have anything I need to do right now. Will you hang out with friends? I don’t have any friends. I’ll hang with my family at home. What time will you be expected to be awake by? Like 4 or 5PM most likely.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? Nope. I dabbled a little bit with card tricks when I was a kid, but I was never any good at it. Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? No. I’d be too scared to do that. Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Probably. Touched a snake? Nooooo. Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Nope.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? I’m not sure if preschool is, actually. I went to preschool.  Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I was for a brief periods of time after some long hospital stays in 5th, 6th, and 8th grade. Did you attend public or private school? Public. Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? I wasn’t bullied and I most definitely wasn’t popular. What is the highest level of education that you completed? I have my BA in psych.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Brown. Hair Color: A mix of red and my natural dark brown. Height: Like 5′4. Weight: Somewhere in the 70s (pounds), I think. I haven’t been weighed in years. Do you have freckles. moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have some freckles, some moles, and a birthmark.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? It really varies. Which social media platforms do you belong to? All the big main ones. When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? I don’t recall. Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? I prefer to on TV. Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? No, but I do use the Kindle app on my phone.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? Nope. Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? No. Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? There isn’t anything coming up that I’m looking forward to. Are you dreading anything coming soon? Upcoming doctor appointments.  Are you gullible or naive? I wouldn’t say I’m a gullible or naive person, but I can be gullible and naive at times.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? -- Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? Myself. Does anyone out there hate you? Probably.  Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Yes. Does crying make you feel less strong? Sometimes I do feel like that because I’m just so sensitive and moody and feel like such a baby sometimes. I don’t think crying makes you weak, I’m just hard on myself and feel like I cry too much and over ridiculous things at times. I’m like seriously, you’re crying again?? Or wow, you’re crying over this??

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Helllllllllll no. Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? I’ve done that. And with just my eyes closed. Swim with sharks? Noooooo. Go into outer space, given the chance? Noooooo. Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Ew, no.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names... Yep, I have a 4 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? -- What is your favorite animal? Dogs and giraffes. Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? I don’t walk her because it would be too hard for me to do, but my dad does a few times a week.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? Scrambled eggs, biscuits, and hash browns smothered in country gravy, scrambled eggs with spinach, garlic, and green onions, breakfast burritos, and breakfast sandwiches. What is your favorite kind of dessert? Cheesecake, brownies, cupcakes, muffins, donuts, cookies, Little Debbie snacks. Do you eat all three meals everyday? Nope. I usually just have two. What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Ever, like 2-3 days because I had just had surgery. Otherwise, just a day without any food at all. I’ve gone days with very little when I’m really sick or having appetite issues. What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? I don’t like to eat when I’m sick, which becomes a problem. I have to try and at least eat buttered toast and soup.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? I’m always dwelling on my past. What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Childhood memories. What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? I used to have somewhat of a social life, but now I don’t have one at all. If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? My grandmother. I’d just want to spend time with her and catch her up on the past 15 years as much as I could. Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Hm. I don’t know.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? Honestly, no. I really don’t see it happening. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I don’t have a job currently. What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? I don’t know what my plans are in regards to work.  What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? One that pretty much everyone says, but traveling.  If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? The future terrifies me, so no I don’t think I would. It could possibly end up being encouraging if I saw things turn around for me in a good way, but I’m afraid it would just show more problems and things getting worse. :/

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? Every couple days. How often do you brush your teeth? At least once a day. Do you actually iron any of your clothes? I’ve never ironed my clothes. How often do you do laundry? It gets done about once a week. How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? I only use it once.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? I haven’t painted my nails in almost 5 years. How would your describe your sense of style? Super casual? ha. I live in leggings and oversized graphic tees. Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Of course. Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.  What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I haven’t worn any accessories in awhile. I used to be a big accessories person, like I stuff to match all my outfit and my arms would be full of bracelets.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? Yep. I love that adult coloring books became a pretty big thing a few years ago, I love ‘em. Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Nah. What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? I’m not an arts and crafts person. Do you use Pinterest at all? I do. What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? Ramen, of course.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. Eating sounds is a big one. What are some things that annoy you about yourself? Oh jeez. Many things.  Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? Myself? What is a feeling that you dislike? Feeling sick. Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? I don’t drive.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? No. Not sure how that would work with a wheelchair, ha. Have you ever mastered the jump rope? Again, kinda hard to do, but I’ve kinda jumped rope before. Not the actual jumping part course, but did the movements while just wheeling over the rope instead and continuing to move forward. It’s kinda hard to explain, but yeah. Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? Uhhh.  Is it winter in your part of the world right now? Yes. What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? I enjoy themed ones like this and ones with random, interesting questions that allow me to elaborate more than just simple yes and no. I don’t mind some of that thrown in and some basic questions, but I want more.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? I like variety. What are some music genres that you can’t stand? I’m not into dubstep.  If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Hm. I’d have to think about that. Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? It’s been like 4 years since I’ve listened to the radio. iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? Spotify.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? How young are we talking? Like around 4th grade I started getting into Goosebumps, Nancy Drew, The Baby Sitter’s Club, Ramona and Beezus, and choose your own adventure books.  What genre of books do you typically read most often? Well, for the past couple years now I’ve just been reading murder mystery and psychological thrillers. Apart from those, my favorite genres are fiction, YA, and NA. What are some of your favorite books as an adult? I have several favorite murder mystery series.  What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? One of them was A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? I haven’t in years.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? My Disneyland trips are definitely some of the best. Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? There’s so many places I’d love to visit. Where do your family members originate from? Most are from here, but some from different cities and states. What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? Italian. What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Hm.

Layer 44: Would you Rather...

Drink apple juice or grape juice? Ew, neither. Wear pants or shorts? Pants. I don’t do shorts. Be taller or shorter? Taller. Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Zoo. Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? No, but the first one I remember seeing is The Rugrats Movie. What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? There’s so many. What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Horror, psychological thrillers, drama, superhero, fantasy and sci-fi, romcoms.  What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? I didn’t think I’d love Star Wars and the superhero movies like I do, honestly. I got into them late, but once I started I was hooked. How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? I have like 10 DVDs in my personal collection. I also have my Disney VHS tapes stored away.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m an introvert all the way. Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? I think I come off as easygoing and laid back to people who don’t know me, but I am not. I mean, in some cases I am, like when it comes to traveling I’m pretty much down to do anything and I’m cool with just chillin’ and checking things out.  Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? I believe so. Describe your sense of humor. I honestly don’t know. Like, I like corny, punny, cheesy jokes, but apart from that I’m not sure how to describe it. People will show me stuff they think is funny and they can be dying of laughter and I can be straight-faced or just give a little chuckle or blow air out of my nose, ha. So yeah, it’s hard to explain. Random stuff will just really strike me as funny. And even if I do think something is amusing, it doesn’t always mean I’m laughing hysterically ya know? I haven’t had a good laugh in a long time. Do you tend to over-share? In surveys I do sometimes.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? Meh, I don’t know. Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Not as much as I used to, honestly. I used to be wrapped up in celebrity gossip and entertainment. I still like that kind of stuff, but I don’t know I just haven’t been following it as much. Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Alexander Skarsgard. Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell. Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Hmm.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? A couple days ago. What are some things that you’re afraid of? Losing loved ones, dying, never getting better/getting worse... What is something small that makes you happy? That first sip of coffee. Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? It’s been awhile since I’ve been angry with someone. Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I’m very shy.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 21. Do you smoke? Nope. Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? No. Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? Nope.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? Mario Bro games. Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? I go through phases with The Sims where I’ll play all the time and then go years without playing. The last time I played was 3 years ago. What was your favorite board game, growing up? Sorry!, Trouble, and Life. How about your favorite card game? Growing up I liked playing Uno and Crazy 8′s.  How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I love word searches and such. I used to enjoy doing actual puzzles when I was a kid. I’ve actually been wanting to do a puzzle lately.

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

[purplesurveys]

1048

survey by skiesofsunshine

What would you honestly do if you had a million dollars? Buy sushi and Airpods, give a chunk to my parents, donate another chunk to animal welfare NGOs, save the rest.

Do you pretend to be something you're not to make friends? Not to make friends, because it would be such a hassle if I actually ended up gaining friends from faking myself. But I do sometimes pretend, if it’ll make a certain interaction easier. “Fake it till you make it” isn’t a lie and I learned that more and more as I got older.

When was the last time someone disappointed you? Today.

Are you still in school? Nope, I got out of it just a little less than half a year ago.

Trigger warning for an item immediately below the cut.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? [trigger warning] I mean I’ve said it before, but I don’t really plan on making it past 30 and I’m already 22. We’ll see if that changes down the road as I’m always open to hear good reasons to stay, anyway.

Are you more of a shy or outgoing person? I’ve been very shy for most of my life but I’ve become more and more outgoing in recent years. It still depends on who I am with though, and what their body language tells me.

How many hours of sleep per night do you usually get? 8-10, which is thankfully a healthy amount. I’m always left exhausted after work.

Would you rather listen to new music or the classics? There’s no reason for me to have a preference as I enjoy a good selection from both.

Can you do a cartwheel? Nope.

What does friendship mean to you in your life? Family and loyalty.

What is the closest yellow thing next to you? The lights that we have here on our rooftop.

Do you currently feel any sadness? It has been an ongoing wave for the last three months.

Are you more of an athlete or artist? I am seriously neither. I am not at all an athlete, but I guess that label is at least closer to who I am because I do play table tennis.

Is it hard for you to break the ice with new people? Depends on their personality. Some people may just prefer to be on the quiet side and that’s okay.

Do you judge people by groups or by individuals? I try not to at all?

What do you think was the stupidest movie ever created? I once read about the movie Birdemic and watched it out of curiosity. It was so stupid it was genuinely entertaining.

Who is your hero and why? I try not to have any. It’s nice to have inspirations, but I feel like labeling someone as hero would be a bit too much for me.

If you could be someone else for a week, who would it be? Me, from the beginning of the year. If it counts. I’d rather revisit older, happier versions of myself.

What do you want people to remember you for when you die? Somebody who was selfless. Idk, I don’t wish for too much. I just hope people think I am or was a good person.

Do you always respond to chain letters? Nope.

Would you rather text someone or call them? TEEEEEEEEEXT. I gotta say, I’m getting a lot more calls now that I’m working and I’ve been a little braver in answering them, but I do still hate them. I’d much rather text unless a situation is super complex or complicated that a call would be necessary.

What are you afraid of most? Giving up.

Do you spend too much time online? Kinda, but it’s necessary. I’m working from home so I have to keep my line open to stay connected to my co-workers 24/7.

Are you the type to procrastinate? This was mostly me as a student. I don’t want to fuck up at work, so if I have time to do something I get started on it immediately.

What is your biggest annoyance? Companies who have automated customer service chats. Sometimes I’ll have a very specific inquiry only to be greeted by a bunch of buttons to categories with already-given answers, and I end up never fixing my problem.

Do you use any drugs? Erm, nothing even mildly alarming, I guess.

Do you believe that you'll always be a kid at heart? For sure.

Are you currently in a relationship? No.

What do you like to do for fun? God I’ve taken an entire week to take this lol...work has me beat. I spend my days alone now, and I have the most fun and fulfillment when I take myself out for dates at coffee shops :) It lets me take surveys in an environment I’m comfortable with (other than my room), and I also get to look out the big windows and just reflect and be at peace for a few moments. I’m also getting more and more into embroidery and thankfully there’s loads of embroidery kits online that already come with templates and instructions.

Do you have a job? Yes. It’s normally incredibly hectic to the point that I can feel the burnout coming in even though I’ve only been in the role for a little more than a month. But with today being the second-to-the-last-day before our office closes for the holidays, so many people are on leave and I actually have time to continue this in the middle of the day.

Can you type without looking at the keyboard? That’s how I normally type. I haven’t had to look in like a decade now.

What is something you want to improve on this year? Kinda too late to ask this don’t you think? Hahaha. Uhm, I did a lot of growing this year, I’d say. Most of it forceful, but still necessary. I’m proud of myself for making it to the end. I really am. Mostly because I can remember how determined I was to leave just a few months ago. I grew a lot, and I’m proud. I wish other people have seen the growth too, because I’ve tried really hard.

Do you have any pets? Yeah, I have two dogs.

What is your dream car? A Mini Countryman or Clubman. I don’t really care which but I’d love to have either.

How many times a day do you get angry? Depends on how many mistakes I make at work.

If you could, would you want to stay young forever? It was great to have fewer things to worry about as a kid, but I enjoy the freedom and independence that come with being older a lot more.

Are the books better or worse than the movies? That’s usually the case, but of course it applies differently to all books/movies.

Are you afraid of the dark? No, but like I’ve said before it’s only scary if the darkness is meant to be an element of a bigger scary thing. Like if I’m in a haunted house and all the lights went out or something like that.

If you could eat any food you want right now, what would it be? Sushi.

Are you a racist person? No.

Do you ever feel like people use you? I try not to think about it.

Do you keep in contact with your friends during the summer? Back when I was in school and summer was still a thing, yeah.

What is your favorite month of the year? April.

Does bad grammar get on your nerves? Only if it’s from someone I dislike, hahahaha

If you were going to die right now, what would your last words be? I would be alone, so I’d rather go through it in silence.

Does Jeopardy make you feel dumb? Sometimes. Aw, this question made me sad because Alex Trebek :(

What is/was your worst subject in school? Chemistry.

Are you a sarcastic person? Eh, I can be. I don’t whip it out too often though.

What role does religion play in your life? It made me realize I should avoid having a religion.

Can you sleep with your eyes open? ???

[mrmallard]

Top 10 Favorite Lyrics of 2020

This list might seem esoteric, but 2020 has been a turd on a plate and music has made me feel a lot better this year. Sometimes specific lyrics slap harder than the rest. It's lyrics like these that kept me going in 2020.

So here's a list of some of my favorite lyrics from the year and why I like them. These songs aren't necessarily from 2020, they just resonated with me this year.

I should warn you - this turned out to be an incredibly personal post for me. I touch on lyrics that I view as possibly pertaining to the trans experience, and whether that's a viewpoint I'm qualified to talk on. If that's a particularly touchy subject for you, I recommend proceeding with caution. I also mention abuse in one entry, and how it affects me years later.

I really cannot stress enough how personal this post got, so keep that in mind if you decide to continue reading.

10: "Kiss me goodnight / like a good friend might" - Sara Bareilles, 1000 Times

All cards on the table, I'm in love with a good friend of mine. TL;DR, that's probably why this lyric speaks to me.

That's a bit reductive, so here's why I love it so much - this lyric is sodden with yearning, even without taking my circumstances into account. The entire song is about living with an unrequited love, and this expression of that just hits me in the chest like a sack of bricks.

The reason I love this lyric so much is because of how soft and vulnerable it is. It's an amazing cooldown after how passionate the chorus is, and it feels like the most earnest, genuine expression of this feeling ever.

This lyric sums up that feeling when you're with someone you really like, and you're hoping - praying - that they'll close the distance with an affectionate action. Maybe you want them to play with your hair. Maybe you want to feel their hand linger on yours for a moment. Maybe it's late, and you're tired and a little drunk, and in that moment that you make it to bed for the night, it would make your heart feel indescribably whole if they leant down and gave you a chaste, affectionate kiss on the cheek. Nothing more - just that simple act of contact, an affirmation of affection.

This is a good song about yearning, and this is the lyric that really sums it all up.

9: "Called my friend in New York / 3,000 miles away / halfway through her metamorphosis / nothing I could say" - The Mountain Goats, From TG&Y

This is the first of multiple Mountain Goats entries. I'm gonna go into a bit of a tangent about them later on, but for now I want to focus on the lyric.

From TG&Y is a song about wasting away in a town that's taking you down with it. It has lyrics about huffing spray paint and vomiting blood, and John Darnielle sings about holding on to your dreams until there's nothing left to hold on to. It's an incredibly bleak song, and it's one of my favorite Mountain Goats songs because of that - it sums up an unhappiness in me that I've felt for over a decade.

This lyric is a moment of respite. After the soul-crushing day that the protagonist has had, they call up someone dear to them. The situation reads as awkward to me - clearly there's a lot of affection for this friend and the process she's going through, but it's hard to bring up. Their awkwardness is another misfortune, but it comes from a good place.

My take is that the protagonist's friend is a trans woman, and the protagonist can't find the right words to say about it. It's awkwardness born of distance, not of ignorance, and it's another side effect of the town he lives in. But he loves her, and in the midst of his rapidly declining life in this shithole town, it's such a blessing to hear her voice. If only he knew what to say to her.

8: "And the funny thing about it is / despite how much time I spend hating it / it never says a bad thing about me" - Tim Minchin, Not Perfect

I got into Tim Minchin this year. I like his moody, melancholy songs like this the most, though I also like his songs about religion. This is my second favourite song of his, behind White Wine in the Sun.

Between all the bluster of his sillier songs, he has this incredibly sensible song about the life we live. From the world we live on, to the brain we ultimately reside in, it's a look from the outside in through to the inside out and it makes some incredibly pertinent points about the human condition.

The "it" in question is about his body. It's not in its best shape ever, and he often tries to fill it up with wine - which is in itself a multifaceted lyric, being a silly jab at himself as well as a deeper statement about his wellbeing.

But his observation about the brain rejecting the body as opposed to vice versa is what really stuck with me.

My takeaway was that our body is essentially a stupid meat suit that obeys the will of the brain. And when it doesn't match the self-image of the brain, we resent it. Our body is an extension of ourselves, and it's incredibly upsetting when our idealised image of ourselves isn't reflected in the body we reside in - and that leads us to self-harm. That's super fucked up.

I adore this lyric for highlighting the relationship between the physical and mental self. It makes me want to better myself more than a thousand PSAs ever did, because it makes a pertinent point about what I'm damaging. It's me, but it can't fight back when I want to hurt it.

7: "Her body's a difficult sister / and she loves her" - The Weakerthans, Exiles Among You

As I was writing the first draft of this list, something came to a head. I feel like I have to explain where I'm coming from for this lyric, especially after the last two lyrics, so please bear with me.

I perceive this lyric to be about a trans woman. "Her body's a difficult sister" scans as potentially trans to me, and I find it heartening that despite the difficulty her body poses at times, the main character loves herself. It ties into Not Perfect in that regard, which was the catalyst that resulted in the way I view this lyric.

While it can potentially be viewed through a cis or a trans lens, the trans lens speaks to me more. And that's what I want to talk about.

Between this lyric and From TG&Y, I'm worried about how I sound when I'm talking about trans people. This lyric is arguably the biggest stretch in favour of a trans viewpoint, and the context of the lyric can be considered to deal with dysphoria due to that - and as someone who is known as a cis man, as opposed to a trans person, I'm worried that my viewpoint is off-base to the point of being harmful to individual trans people and the trans community as a whole.

I want to be as transparent and respectful as possible about my interpretation of song lyrics through a trans lens. My intentions are good, but I feel the need to explain myself when I haven't had a lived trans experience. That in itself is a valid enough reason to discard how I'm approaching this, but I want to make my feelings known.

For the last few years, I've been thinking more and more about the trans experience. I don't necessarily have an issue presenting in the way that I do, being AMAB, but I'm empathetic towards the challenges faced by trans people. One potential reason is because I was bullied from the start of school through to the end, so I empathize strongly with people and groups who are othered for their intrinsic personal identities - but I think it goes deeper than that in this case.

When I see something positive about the trans community in particular, I get a sense of emotional fulfillment that I don't really get from anything else. Gender euphoria sounds like bliss, for example - the fact that it exists and that people feel it makes me feel incredibly happy. I'm empathetic for and supportive of gay, bi and ace people, among other gender identities and sexualities, but I don't necessarily feel the same emotional swell for those experiences as I do for the trans experience. And without going into detail, one of those things should stand out from the others.

Viewing trans people in these lyrics make said lyrics much more emotionally resonant to me. There's something about the trans experience that I resonate strongly with, and it significantly strengthens my emotional investment in music that I already enjoyed beforehand.

The fear I have about viewing these lyrics through a trans lens is that I'm worried it looks like I'm fetishizing transgender people, or I'm misappropriating the trans experience for my music headcanons. That's not my intention. I haven't identified as anything other than cis my whole life, but when the cards line up like this, it unlocks a deeper appreciation of the song in question. It means a lot to me when that happens, and that can mean any number of things - but it definitely comes from a sincere place of care within myself.

That's why "her body's a difficult sister / and she loves her" means so much to me within that context, and it's a more in-depth perception on why From TG&Y's lyric grips me the way it does as well. I know it went off track from the song itself, but I felt a need to explain myself and I hope that my viewpoint is viewed in good faith.

6: "I still hear trains at night / when the wind is right" - The Weakerthans, This Is A Fire Door Never Leave Open

This lyric reminds me of abuse in a very applicable way to myself. There are times when I've remembered awful things that happened to me, even if I hadn't thought of them in years.

The Weakerthans are good at writing these lyrics that can go either way. I think about the character Lori from Night in the Woods when I hear this lyric, who lives by a train track - as far as she gets from that place, there'll be nights where the wind outside will remind her of the trains that passed by her house.

But in real life, there'll be nights after years of happy, content cohabitation with someone else, someone who puts your mind miles away from the worst moments of your life - where a trace of what you experienced will come back to you. No warning - the conditions in your life were just right to bring that memory back.

It continues to be one of my favorite lyrics, years after I first heard it, because it hits so close to home.

5: "I guess I have to hope that today the sun will shine / and maybe tomorrow, you'll be mine" - The Weepies, They're In Love, Where Am I

Another good yearning song. I spent a lot of 2020 yearning, and songs like 1000 Times and They're In Love, Where Am I really helped me through it.

The thing about the Weepies is that their lyrics can either be extremely blunt or extremely roundabout and kinda silly, and both extremes hit that button in my brain that makes me go "happey : )". This is more on the blunt side, being on one of their shorter songs. But every lyric in this song counts, and every lyric lands.

The reason why I picked this one is because of how well it sells the bittersweet nature of the song. The person you love is out of your reach, and it's hard to ignore that, but you might as well be thankful that things aren't worse. And maybe tomorrow will be different, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Even though they definitely won't, it's a nice thought.

The lyric speaks for itself. It's efficient, it ties the whole song together, and it's as gorgeous-sounding as the rest of the song. Excellent lyric.

4: "Maybe there's a season when I'll taste that wine / a thimble at a time / a thimbleful of wine" - The Weepies, Hummingbird

Reading these lyrics at face value doesn't always have the same impact as they do when you're hearing them in a song, and I've been trying to keep my picks to lyrics that scan both ways. But I've covered some heavy subject material in this post, so despite this one not necessarily scanning that well, I'm going to talk about it because it makes me incredibly happy and it lets me take a load off.

As I listened to this last verse for the first time, I was mostly soaking in the ambience of the song. A lot of the song is made up of these vignettes and platitudes, and while it's very pretty in its own right, I had trouble following it. But it's a gorgeous song, and I decided to tune in for the last verse and enjoy it as much as possible before it ends.

"Maybe there's a season when I'll taste that wine" - okay, I can relate to that. For all the hard work you put into something, you don't necessarily get to enjoy the fruits of your labor. But maybe one day you might get a chance to do so. Beautiful.

"A thimble at a time" conjures up an incredibly specific, sweet and kind of silly image. But before you can snark about it, the song follows up on what it just said - "a thimble full of wine".

It's like it read my mind. It knows it's a very precious image, and it takes full advantage to address exactly what it just said. I love it so much - it's such a cute lyric in an already gorgeous song.

3: "I just wish I was a toothbrush or a solder gun / make me something someone else can use" - The Weakerthans, Utilities

This is a lyric that's maintained its hold on me over the years. It captures a relatable sense of ennui and despair - I'm not doing anything for anyone now, so I wish I was an inanimate tool that could be of service to someone.

Nothing else really needs to be said. It's a classic in my books for a reason.

2: "And then you're singing in Dutch to me / and I recognize the song / it seems so old and so fragile / I haven't heard it in so long" - The Mountain Goats, Minnesota

This is the lyric that got me into older Mountain Goats songs. The entire narrative of the song is gorgeous, but it's this line that really broke through to me and it continues to be a favorite of mine.

The way I imagine the song going is that after spreading the seeds around his house, the narrator wakes up from a heat induced haze with his head in the lap of his partner. And she's singing in Dutch to him, and he recognises the song - as the song goes.

It's such a nice image to me. Waking up with your head in someone's lap, having that surreal moment as you're looking up at them where they're singing in a language you aren't familiar with, but recognising the song. That shit is picturesque. It's beautiful.

This really is the cream of the crop when it comes to Mountain Goats lyrics. It appeals to this broader romantic ideal in me, in a way that gets me every time. One reason why I like the Weepies so much is because their song lyrics make me feel like this one does.

1: "Make it through this year / if it kills you outright." - The Mountain Goats, Exegetic Chains

I'm ending on this note because the song and the lyric are perfect to end on.

Songs from Pierre Chuvin was a Mountain Goats release from early 2020 recorded in the style of John's older music. It was recorded on accoustic guitar, through an old boombox that imparts a nostalgic grain to the sound, and songs like Aulon Raid sounded like they were written in the 90's era of the Mountain Goats. Songs from Pierre Chuvin is, by all means, one of the most faithful throwback projects I think I've ever seen.

And Exegetic Chains is the crown jewel of the album, at least of the songs I've heard. Not just because of how it sounds, or how it's structured like some of my favorite Mountain Goats songs - but because it takes homage to heart as the last track on the album.

John references other songs, but the most recognisable reference is in the chorus - a dark reprisal of This Year. "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me", a loud, bombastic rallying call to yourself or a mantra to keep yourself alive through another year of hardship - becoming "make it through this year, if it kills you outright", a downcast plea calling out in a time where death is inevitable.

This is my favorite song lyric of 2020 because this song lyric is a reflection of 2020. It's the dark reprisal of This Year that we needed, that really says it all. I'd love to end on a happier lyric, but I can't stress how perfect I think this lyric is. This is a reprise that I sincerely think will stand the test of time.

[hazzabeeforlou]

Digging Deeper

Thanks @alienfuckeronmain for the tag, this I’ve loved reading everyone’s, and I tag @taintedlav @rahashirley @raisemybody @twopoppies @cuethetommo @metal-eye and @seasurfacefullofclouds1 if anyone wants to play!! 

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? ink color matters less than ball-point-ness... 

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I want a witch’s cottage with a giant messy garden on the edge of the moors and a forest a million miles away from everyone. So country. 

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’ve actually stretched myself this summer! Am learning French and guitar, and idk if it counts but learning my new job which I NEVER thought I could handle lol since I’ve never worked retail 

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Honey ;)

5. What was your favourite book as a child? Well I have to say Narnia and Redwall, but when I was very tiny I loved this book about a girls who could whistle and speak to animals (named Mable) and the Velveteen Rabbit, and a book called “The Lost Princess” which is fucking amazing, by the precursor to CS Lewis, George MacDonald

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I usually take showers because baths take too much time. Also baths are romantic and that makes me sad, and also I have to look at my body which, ug, not prepared to do that all the time rip

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Mer. Fucking. Maid. Though I’ve always wanted to fly too, I used to spend HOURS in the water just underwater swimming with my legs stuck together just pretending to be on ocean adventures

8. Paper or electronic books? I usually much prefer paper, but since I got these blue light blocking glasses I am finding i’m fine either way physically. Soul-wise though, yeah, paper

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? Probably my mango colored crop hoodie that I once smashed melting frozen blueberries on and then spent hours and days getting the stains out...

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? My real name is super boring and typical, though I do like it. I enjoy my tumblr name a lot, Toni, and it feels more genderless and constrictive than my actual name lol

11. Who is a mentor to you? I’ve had so many great teachers, but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is that so many you admire can be deeply flawed. I have lots of trust issues. I only take advice from a select few people, and they don’t include anyone ‘old and wise’ lol 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? Oh for sure, I used to want to be an actress or a rock star or whatever. Famous author. I would fucking LOVE to have a platform and help people and cheer people up and see people grocery shopping and have instant friends. I know that sounds terribly naive but I’ve said before I share a lot of Harry’s personality, and I just love flirting with people and smiling with them and giving hugs. Now, I would want to be famous as TONI me and not real me, because then I could never be myself because my fam would find out rip

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Depends on my mattress. Currently, yes, ugg. I wake up in an omega nesting scene from a fic every morning

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? Unfortunately yes. 

15. Which element best represents you? idk I usually say fire but I’m feeling more water lately 

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I’m working on getting to know my amazing sister better, and that’s been lovely.  

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? All my friends have been long distance for actual years, so i don’t miss anymore more than normal. I am missing just... the POTENTIAL for someone. This indefinite distancing is wearing on me. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I was like two or three, and we were out on a full moon walk and I was in my stroller in the red sheepskin bundled up, and I remember coming up our sidewalk and looking at the world and moon and thinking, “remember this moment, or you’re going to grow up and forget how wonderful it was.” Also when I was five I had a breakdown on my mom’s lap because “I’m going to grow up and be too big to be sung lullabies to!” and I didn’t want anything to change EVER  

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I used to make a concoction of rye crackers, mustard, and pickles. Don’t ask

20. What are you most thankful for? all the opportunities I’ve had in life. I’m so massively privileged 

21. Do you like spicy food? depends on how hot

22. Have you ever met someone famous? I saw a few celebs in NYC, Shosh from Girls, the guy from Monk, Tim Gun, John Oliver (and his golden retriever) and I passed a drunk as a skin Alec Baldwin outside Lincoln Center one day. Probably other people I didn’t recognize. Oh and S**** M***** rented my instrument right before covid hit here, and drunk him (or high him) couldn’t believe he had a h*** to play around on, and then I saw him staring at mountains being the most stereotypical rich white boy ever, also he did not send out gay vibes but don’t let that stop your Shiall, please don’t let it  

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? I almost always start with the new year and do like. A day. And then forget. 

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? PEN

25. What is your star sign? Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Pisces rising

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Depends on the cereal, those golden grams were BEST thoroughly soaked in milk fight me 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? make the world a little better 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? Yes but you know, i’m the worst at making time for it. Still getting through that Brief Interviews with Hideous Men or whatever it is

29. How do you show someone you love them? Just thinking of them and doing little things to surprise them, I think

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Yep the smaller and more crush friendly the better 

31. What are you afraid of? I really do not. like. limb loss. no horror movies for me EVER

32. What is your favourite scent? wet Labrador because it means there’s a WET LABRADOR

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? surname always unless I’ve always known them by firsts. Religion, man

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I have this dream of buying up all the land shitty developers snatch up in this country and ceding it back to its rightful owners. I’ve legit cried over little forests turned into parking lots, thanks Joni Mitchell 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools are so clean and have no sharks or jellyfish. that said, they also have no waves... 

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? turn it into the store it was closest to. I’m the lawful good box and yes I hate it

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? YES in Breckenridge one year I saw a fucking meteor shower! I’ve wished on some, they’ve never come true I don’t think. 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m too scared to have children even if I could (I can’t) because of the pressure of what would fuck them up and what wouldn’t 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I love my baby tat @alienfuckeronmain gave me, idk if I’d want another one someday, maybe a sister tat with my sis

40. What can you hear now? The fan, my typing, my parents watching old TV shows

41. Where do you feel the safest? With a pet outside in nature somewhere

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? putting limits on things /myself/people

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? You know I used to really DREAM about this shit, but since I realized I would have genetically DIED in any other era, and that my dreaming was a literal result of white privilege since it would fucking SUCK to be anyone else (I mean even now it’s awful wtf) I just. Stick with the present. 

44. What is your most used emoji? the laughing face. oops. 

45. Describe yourself using one word. Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious

46. What do you regret the most? I have so many. social. anxiety. nightmares from my 28 years of life that haunt me

47. Last movie you saw? l think it was the Downton Abbey movie? 

48. Last tv show you watched? Monk 

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Surplumn. a really divinely wonderful thing, like ‘oh her lips are surplumn’ like a juicy chocolate mousse and perky breasts idk 

[onewhodiedyoung]

instructions: tag ten people you’d like to know better

I was tagged by @ayokaya, thank you <3

name: ...... let’s say Aleks or Ale(Alé?) is an acceptable variation of it and leave it at that. In Starbucks I’m known as Hermenegilda though because unfortunately, yes, I am that kind of person

starsign: virgo but I don’t identify with it because it’s a lie

hogwarts house: 100% Ravenclaw no matter what Pottermore says

height: I... don’t... know.... last time they measured me was like 4 years ago in school but I think maybe sth like 167cm?

favorite animal: JELLYFISH. Also love cephalopods but jellyfish are life and my biggest not-literature-related obsession, as weird as that sounds

dogs or cats: axolotls.

when you made your blog: I don’t know where to check it but like less than a year ago, I’m very new here :,)

why you made your blog: idk, something possessed me I guess. maybe for all the angsty poetry on here. It sure is why i stayed

reason for your url: i might love Cloudbusting a tad more than a healthy amount

what i am wearing: a sweater. always sweaters, even when it’s too hot for sweaters. The more kitschy the better. also fun (not really) fact: somehow, i don’t own even one pair of jeans

dream vacation: mountains, always, always. if not mountains, then sea. New Zealand, please, world.

instruments: like if i play one? I don’t but I will learn to play the piano eventually, I swear I will, I just have to. Either that or marry a pianist who’ll play for me. preferably both tbh

celebrity crushes: maybe ben wishaw (though really it’s more of a crush on his voice) and i don’t know..... i really think they’re often absolutely beautiful and awesome people but I’m not a hardcore fan of any one person except for authors and that hardly can be described as a crush so... I did use to tell people that I would marry young Meryl Streep if I had the chance I guess?

random facts:

what’s your job: well up till recently i worked as a waitress in a shitty dessert place but the virus freed me from the shackles of hospitality since i went back home. Also am a student.

if you could go back to school would you: well I’m enjoying uni for what it’s worth. as for, i don’t know, let’s say high school, yes but only if it were a different system where i could actually choose the subjects i’m interested in and where they’d teach critical thinking not just historical dates from the 12th century + no mandatory religion where you have to say a joint prayer every time and no brainswashing so, basically, definitely not in Poland!

a job you had that would surprise people: the waitressing was my first but the shit that used to happen there sure was interesting even if the place wasn’t. apart from that, having to make my 14yo brother scrambled eggs because he d o e s n ‘ t k n o w h o w. Also, not actually a job, but i’ve been proofreading essays for almost everyone i know all my life (which got awful when one guy went all far-right and i had to spellcheck his musings on why everyone who’s not Christian and straight sucks)

do you think aliens are real: this is something i shouldn’t be allowed to talk about because ever since I read Lem’s Solaris i have a million opinions on the subject but let’s say that I do but that I also believe that whatever other lifeforms are out there are not only not green and big-eyed but just generally not made out of things we have on earth that are comprehensible to us if that makes sense (i kind of think of it like those colors we’re not able to see that we therefore also can’t imagine but that we’ve proven exist)

what’s your guilty pleasure: eating double cream with a spoon...... also my whole ao3 account

tattoos: as of now, i don’t have any

any phobias: I’m so terrified of the things that live at the bottom of the ocean and in lakes and just generally of huge bodies of water, which is pretty ironic considering how much i love them. also every time i’m on a plane i spend the whole flight curled up into a ball praying for quick death. Also people. People very scary. Actually, here’s the thing: I’m scared of everything, always, and have very weird nightmares every night like not even traumatic stuff just.... my brain, i swear

do you talk to yourself: not out loud, no, but you know how you can text yourself on facebook? I often yell at myself there :,)

what movie do you adore: I can’t pick one favorite so here are the few i can’t live without: My Own Private Idaho, Moonrise Kingdom, The Handmaiden and Spirited Away (but also Lilo and Stitch)

the first thing that you remember you wanted to be when you grew up:  either an archeologist or a marine biologist, not sure which was first. And I pretty much always wanted to be a writer but I’m not counting it since i still want to be one and also that’s not a job, that’s just the euphemism for being miserable

This was fun! I’m tagging @rhymaes, @hanabiangel and @dullahan168 if you guys feel like doing it <3

[ghostheadcanons]

Papas and Copia having dinner with their s/o and s/o's very Christian parents? (Bonus for a "Yes hello I'm fucking your child" type moment) Please and thank you. I just wanna say I really love how you write I have on notifications instant favorite❤

Thank you so much, anon! It’s an honor!

I just wanna say: This isn’t meant to offend anybody who is actually Christian and not an asshole about it (though let’s be real, if you were easily offended, you probably wouldn’t be into Ghost, am I right?). As a Christian myself, I can say this isn’t a potshot at the religion itself! 

Just some of the jerks who practice it. :P

 So for the sake of this ask, we’re just gonna say the parents are the absolute worst type of Christian, and the reader doesn’t have/want a good relationship with them. You all know what I’m talking about. Anon, if you want kind and understanding parents who also happen to be Christian, please send an ask for that and I will absolutely write that!!

That being said….let’s get into it, lads. >:)c

–

Your parents were surprised when you told them you’ve been doing a lot of church work lately, and even more surprised when you told them you were seeing someone working there! 

You never told them what KIND of church it was….

Mostly you told them that to get them off your back, but that backfired spectacularly. Now they want to meet him over dinner…if you don’t relent at some point, they’re going to keep bothering you forever about it and guilt-tripping you. 

Might as well get this over with.

Papa Nihil:

When your parents see what looks like the pope getting out of the car in their driveway, they’re a mix of awed and thrilled! 

…until he gets up close and they see the skull makeup. 

He is very happy to meet your parents–vigorously shaking your father’s hand, and placing a delicate kiss upon your mother’s knuckles. Your mother looks like she wants to die. 

“I can see where my cara mia gets their good looks from, now.” Wink. Subtle, Nihil. Subtle.

Insists on saying grace instead of your father. You keep one eye open as Papa Nihil says his infernal version of grace to find your father staring at him like he wants to kill him. Your mother might actually faint. 

Your father would pull you aside and demand to know what the hell is going on, who have you brought into their house?! 

Papa Nihil is left alone with your mother. “You have a lovely home.”

The two of you end up having to leave early because your boyfriend said it would look even better with a picture of Lucifer on the wall instead of the cross hanging there, and your mother burst into tears. Nihil doesn’t understand why they got so upset–it was an honest suggestion! 

Papa I:

Isn’t wary at all going to see your parents. On the contrary, he sees it as an opportunity to get some new converts! It’s never too late to have a change of heart, after all. 

He dresses modestly, greets them respectfully, and isn’t phased by their faith. 

Your parents love him. 

That is, until he starts going on about what a wonderful student of the dark arts you are. 

“Truly, I have never met such a studious disciple of our lord Lucifer,” he praises as your father chokes on his mashed potatoes. “and I am honored to have them by my side.”

He takes your hand in his and smiles softly at you. You smile back, and kiss him, right there, in front of your parents. It’s pretty chaste, but you still have both parents glaring daggers at you from across the table. 

Papa I would want to debate Christianity with them, but neither your mother or father would let him get a word out, talking over him and raising their voices. His brow furrows–truth be told, he’s a little annoyed. But he never yells; he just keeps talking. 

Like Nihil, you have to leave early. Papa I sighs. He can’t say he expected any differently. But at least the two of you got dinner out of it.

Papa II (slightly +18!):

Doesn’t want to go. He’s vocal about that. “Yes, that’s how I want to spend an evening–being condescended to about my religion.” You’ve told him how awful your parents are, he knows what he’s in for if he says yes.

You beg, though, and eventually agree to do That One Thing He Likes the next time you’re alone together if he’ll come with you. That gets him to relent.

Wears a nice suit for the occasion (and he left the sunglasses at home!), and is polite enough when meeting your parents. You can tell both of them are judging him for how ‘worldly’ he looks, but it doesn’t seem to faze him. 

Rolls his eyes when grace is said. 

Does that thing where if you say “Dad, please pass the salt?” both your father and he reach for it. II always gets it first, passing it gently over to you. “There you go, caro.”

Papa II lets you do the talking and figuring out how to describe the church services. He would legit start feeling you up under the table while you’re speaking, not seeming to notice your little squeaks and reddening cheeks. 

The whole time, he does not break eye-contact with your father. It’s a power move, plain and simple. This child is not one of you anymore. They are ours. Mine.

The nail in the coffin is when you don’t stop Papa’s hands, in spite of how angry you see your father getting. You can’t deny the little thrill you feel at seeing the man who made your childhood a nightmare so furious.

The pair of you make yourselves scarce pretty quickly after that. You sit beside him in the limo, red in the face while Papa sips a glass of champagne.

“I think that went well, caro. You should invite me more often.” 

Papa III (slightly +18!):

Unlike his brother, Papa III is ecstatic to go and meet your parents! Even knowing how they are. You get the sinking feeling that he’s planning something (which he absolutely is). At the same time, though, you’re curious as to what he has in mind…

He’s dressed like a youth group pastor when the two of you go to dinner, and is a proper gentleman when greeting your parents. 

…then dinner gets started, and they start asking him questions like where you two met. 

“Oh, I saw them across the room while I was conducting a black mass, and I couldn’t take my eyes off them!”

Your mother chokes on her chicken, and your father gapes. You nudge him in the ribs, hard, but he continues. 

“Il mio tesoro is so devout…so eager to get on their knees and take communion…” he purrs, wrapping an arm around your waist. 

“Papa….!” you can’t help but giggle. The two of you kiss, and it is considerably less chaste than Papa I’s.  Both your parents are staring at you like you just stabbed the family pet. 

It all goes downhill from there. The breaking point is when everyone is washing up and Papa III passes your father, whispering something offhandedly as he goes to do his part.

“Your child calls me ‘daddy,’ too.”

Ten minutes later he’s nursing a black eye in the back of the limo, and you’re putting ice on it as one of the ghouls drive you home. But Papa III is laughing his head off, and honestly? You’re smiling as well. 

“Did–did you see the look on his face, carina? Oh! It was priceless! Hahaha!”

“I hope you enjoyed that…this is definitely going to bruise…”

“Worth it.”

Cardinal Copia:

He’s very nervous, honestly. Copia is painfully aware of your parents’ expectations, and that Christianity and Theistic Satanism do not mix well!

But you tell him not to worry so much. You’re just going so they get off your case for awhile. He doesn’t have to impress them. 

Dresses impeccably, greets your parents awkwardly but respectfully, and even bows his head during grace (while internally apologizing to Lucifer and hoping He’ll forgive him). 

He manages to be vague enough on his job and what he does that your parents don’t catch onto him. Honestly? They don’t hate him, which is saying something. 

They don’t think he has a great personality, but he is a Cardinal…a respectful position. Copia can live with that.

It’s when they start picking at you that he has a problem.

Listening to your parents make sly jabs at you and nitpicking about everything you do infuriates him. Lucifer help them if they get started on your weight. 

You learned a long time ago to just grit your teeth and bear it, but it still hurts. And Copia can see that. 

It gets to the point where he begins to speak up when they do it. “Well, I think mio topolino looks fine the way they are.”

“I think they’re at just the right size.”

“Wasn’t there something in the Bible about not judging others?”

You gape when he pulls that one out. His voice is sharp, his eyes are narrow, and the levels of passive-aggression are off the charts. 

It startles the hell out of your parents, too. Your mother would weakly claim they’re just trying to help, only to be cut off by Copia again.

“No. No, no no. You are not helping. You are being condescending.” 

He’s trembling, but glaring at the pair of them. He doesn’t stop there.

“This person is the most kind, wonderful, loving angelo I have ever met, and they are not enough for you? You don’t even deserve to bask in their presence!”

He slams down his silverware, making everyone at the table jump.

“Come, topolino.” He gathers you in his arms and escorts you out the door. “We have better things to do.”

By the time you’re in the car, Copia is breathing heavily running a hand through his hair, and you’re staring in awe at your boyfriend. 

“…holy shit…” you murmur.

Copia nods, gulping.

“Copia…you…you didn’t have to say all of that for me…”

“Yes. Yes I did.” He looks over at you, looking you right in the eyes. “I meant every word. Tu sei il mio mondo, topolino.”

An overwhelming wave of love for this man washes over you. You pull him into a deep, passionate kiss, one that he readily reciprocates. 

He means the world to you.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[lovemesomesurveys]

For those who wear jeans, do you have a favourite kind of fit or wash? For those who don’t wear jeans, what other kinds of pants do you wear? I like skinny dark wash jeans. However, to be honest I haven’t worn jeans in like 3 years lol I’ve been living in leggings and it’s great.

For those who have Facebook, how often do you check it? For those who don’t have Facebook, is there a reason why you don’t? A few times a day. I just spend a few minutes at a time scrolling through the feed, maybe “liking” or some other reaction to posts. Once in awhile I’ll share a post I come across that I find funny or interesting. I very rarely post a status.

For those who listen to metal, do you pay attention to all the subgenres like power metal and metalcore and thrash metal? For those who don’t listen to metal, are there any specific metal songs you do like? “I like my coffee black just like my metal.”  Ha, nah I don’t listen to metal I just had to say that.

For those who have a job, what do you have to do at your job? For those who don’t have a job, is there a reason you currently don’t have a job? Unable to work right now.

For those who wear makeup, are there any specific brands you have to use? For those who don’t wear makeup, does wearing makeup make you feel uncomfortable in any way? I mean, I had my favorite brands for sure, but it wasn’t like I was opposed to trying others. However, makeup is another thing I haven’t worn in like 3 years. I just don’t have the energy or motivation for it anymore and besides, I spend majority of my time at home in bed so I don’t see the point. Also, I just stopped bothering because it didn’t make a difference for me. It didn’t make me feel any better about myself at all anymore and it wasn’t something I was like passionate about or even enjoyed doing just for fun, so it wasn’t hard to stop.

For those who have gauged ears, what size are they? For those who don’t have gauged ears, would you ever stretch them? No. I’m sorry, but when I see the really stretched out ear lobes it freaks me out. :X

For those who like dreadlocks, do you think one sex looks better with them than the other? For those who don’t like dreadlocks, is it specifically because you think people with them can’t and don’t wash their hair? Dreadlocks just aren’t my personal preference, but I certainly don’t think people with them can’t and don’t wash their hair or something. I don’t have a negative opinion about them. They like the hairstyle and that’s cool, it’s just not my thing.

For those who own band t-shirts, which band t-shirt is your favourite? For those who don’t own band t-shirts, do you think they’re stupid/lame?  I love my Linkin Park Hybrid Theory shirt.

For those who have done a hard drug before, do you do any hard drugs regularly? For those who have never done a hard drug before, do you think you ever will? I don’t have any desire to do any hard drugs. 

For those who are still in high school, what are some things you love about it? For those who have graduated high school, what are some great memories from school?  I’m so glad I’m done with high school. And school in general now. With my situation now with health stuff I don’t know how I would have gotten through. Anyway, back in high school I enjoyed the pep rallies and assemblies. 

For those who suffer with a mental illness/disorder, which do you suffer with and what are some things that frustrate you most about it? For those who don’t suffer from a mental illness/disorder, what would you do if you were diagnosed with one such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder? I have depression and anxiety and they’ve really taken a hold on my life these past few years, especially. Super frustrating to say the least. It’s been a really hard time.

For those who make surveys, have you ever made more than five surveys in a day? For those who don’t make surveys, is there any specific reason you don’t make them?  I don’t have the creativity to make them. And I’m lazy.

For those who text often, who all do you text on a regular basis? For those who rarely text, do you hate texting or do you just not really feel the need to? I’m not a big texter. The only texts I send are with my parents and brother and they’re just quick texts here and there, not ongoing conversations. Not usually, anyway. 

For those who have more than one Xanga, how many do you have and what are the usernames? For those who only have one Xanga, are you signed up to any other social networking sites?  Aw, I miss Xanga. 

For those who post pictures before each survey, where do you find all your pictures? For those who don’t post pictures before their surveys, is there a reason why you don’t, like because you just don’t feel like putting in the extra effort to do so? Yeah, I just don’t feel the need to. I wouldn’t know what pictures to put anyway. And again, I’m lazy, remember?

For those who number their surveys, are you shocked by how many surveys you’ve done? For those who don’t number their surveys, are you ever curious to know how many you’ve actually taken? I don’t number them, but Tumblr keeps track for me. It is pretty crazy how many I’ve taken and that’s just on here alone. I’ve been doing surveys way before Tumblr.

For those who have a specific religion, do you follow every single thing you’re supposed to with said religion? For those who don’t have a specific religion, how do you describe your beliefs?  I’m a Christian and no one can follow every single thing you’re supposed to. We’ll always fall short and mess up. That’s why God sent us a Savior. 

For those who have went to college or university, if there was a best and worst part of the experience, what were they? For those who haven’t went to college or university, do you plan on doing so? In community college I was an active club member first and then board member for the psych club, and I really enjoyed it. I liked UC, but I wasn’t involved in anything. I just enjoyed focusing solely on my major.

For those who smoke marijuana, who do you normally smoke with? For those who don’t smoke marijuana, if you’re curious, what is making you so curious and if you aren’t, why are you against it? I don’t smoke now, but I have in the past. I’m not against it, it’s just not my thing.

For those who drink alcohol, what is the most drunk you’ve ever been, if you’ve been drunk? For those who don’t drink alcohol, do you feel drinking socially sounds more appropriate than drinking just to get smashed?  I don’t drink anymore, but back when I did there were a few times where I had too much and got embarrassingly sick. :X The worst was my birthday back in 2013 aka the last time I drank alcohol. I got sick in front of everyone there.  There are parts of that night that are splotchy. My friend also had to help me clean up and change and ugh it was just awful and super embarrassing. I spent most of that night throwing up and feeling like shit.

[thesffcorner]

S.T.A.G.S.

S.T.A.G.S. is a YA thriller written by M A Bennet. It follows Greer, a girl who is a new student at St. Aidan the Great School, or STAGS, a private, Catholic school in Northumberland England. She gets invited to a weekend of “huntin’, shootin’, and fishin’” by the Medievals, the group of 6 most popular students in the school, who practically rule the student body, along with two other students. However, as soon as Greer gets to Longcross, the estate where she’s to spend the weekend, she realizes something is amiss, and she might be in more danger than she ever thought possible. S.T.A.G.S. is a book that is so full of film and pop culture references, that I feel it’s only fitting I myself start with one; this book is basically the Riot Club, except our lead is a girl. If you’ve read the play or watched the film adaptation then you know exactly what kind of story you’re in for, and if you liked either, than you will definitely like this. Let’s start with the setting; I don’t read a lot of books by English authors, and it was honestly refreshing to read this one, because England as a country is both much closer to what I’m used to, being from Europe, while also being entirely different. I didn’t care too much about the meticulous descriptions of the estate and the school, however, what I liked was that this books avoids my pet peeve of having these descriptions being meaningless. This is told in first person, and the way Greer tells the story, is like a diary entry that she’s writing after all the events have already happened. As such, she’s able to give little hints and comments on everything she sees and experiences, like what things remind her off, or why she thought they were relevant to mention. She also makes a lot of remarks on things I don’t often read in these types of books, the main one being money and status. I really, really liked this aspect of the book. Bennet talks a lot about accents, dialects and pronunciation, and how that determines not just what part of the country you come from, but also your social and economic status. Greer is from Manchester, and as such she has a pretty thick accent, that immediately marks her as an outsider in the posh world of high class British society. There are parts of the novel where Bennet writes out phonetically what words sound like, and how their pronunciation is very different depending on who’s speaking. When the Medievals talk, they add r’s in words that don’t have them, and they clip their words so that they never say the full thing. When Nel, another character who is as rich, but she is new money talks, the way she pronounces the word ‘love’ nets her the receiving end of bullying because of her not truly being posh. This discussion of class becomes even more complicated when we take into account religion, race and new vs old money. Nel, who is richer than probably even the Medievals is still shunned and bullied, because she got the money recently, and as such has no class or social standing. The Medievals all come from incredibly rich, well connected old families; their leader Henry has had the land since the 11th century, because of an ancestor who fought in the crusades. Likewise, another character, Shafeen, whose father is a literal Indian Prince, and his family has been royalty, rich and high class for much longer than any of the Medievals’ families is rejected and bullied because of his skin color, and the fact that he’s Indian. This dissection of class, race, economic status and language was so fascinating to me because I never see it explored like this in YA; it’s also a nice refresher for American readers that racism and classism though by no means gone in Europe, operate differently than they do in the US. Another thing about the setting that I really enjoyed was the discussion about what class and rich actually means. Like I said, Nel is rich, but all her clothes are brand new, and everything she does and wears seems to be a little bit off. Though she imitates the mannerisms and even the speaking style of the Medievals almost perfectly, the fact that everything on her is brand new is what gives her away as a poser. There are scenes where Greer walks around the manner and notes how despite everything being incredibly opulent it’s also falling apart; the clothes are old and have been worn, the walls have gold decals that are peeling, the house itself is old. I was reminded constantly of a comment a friend of my family made about how people in England live in houses that barely have modern plumbing just because they are old and ‘traditional’, and refuse or in many cases can’t integrate modern technology to make life easier and more pleasant. Speaking of technology, that’s another topic that’s greatly discussed in this book. I found this was explored less well, and I thought it was a bit on the nose, mostly because it intersects heavily with the reason everyone is going to Lockwood in the first place, so I can’t discuss it without spoilers. I did like that technology wasn’t vilanized and even ended up helping at the end. You might be wondering why I gave this book only 3 stars if nothing I said so far was negative. That mostly comes down to the plot and the ending. I feel like the plot was fairly predictable. Partly because the story is told in flashback and partly because it’s very easy to guess where things are going, I never really felt true tension in the scenes that were meant to be tense. I was worried about the characters sure, but I knew more or less exactly how things would pan out, and I guessed fairly easily who would be the one to die. Even the very final twist I saw coming from a mile away, and since the book has an open ending, I’m not really sure how to feel about it. If there’s ever a sequel maybe it would make more sense, but as is, it feels like the book came to a natural conclusion, and then had a last minute Bloomhouse style twist thrown at the very end that deflates a lot of what made it good up until that point. There were also some issues with the characters. Let’s start with the Medievals. There are 6 of them: 3 girls and 3 boys. I had a lot of trouble telling any of them apart, mostly because they are meant to resemble and act like each other, but also because outside of Henry, Greer has very little interaction with any of them. Bennett tries to distinguish the 3 blonde Medieval girls from one another: Charlotte is the preppiest one, who is the most fake enthusiastic and ‘speaks in italics’. Esme is the fake polite one, who pretends to be friendly, and Lara is the Russian one with the lazy, condescending accent. However, since the interaction between Greer and them is so minimal, I ended up only really distinguishing Lara, because she’s Henry’s girlfriend and Russian. However, the girls have nothing on Henry’s buddies, Cockson and Piers. I couldn't tell u anything about them or who’s who. All I know is that Cockson is also named Henry, but they both like drinking, they are both supremely loud and rude, and they are both indistinguishably awful. This is intentional, but like with the girls, it didn’t really make them compelling characters. Henry fares better in that he’s the only one that has any personality. Unfortunately, he suffers from this thing called informed traits, and this other thing, which doesn’t have a name, but I like to call it Ludonarrative Dissonance, but for books. We are told multiple times, by both Greer and other characters like Nel, that Henry is supremely charming. He knows the right thing to say, he knows how to touch people, how to smile, and in general how to woo everyone into following his orders. The problem was, that I never found him charming or funny, and I never thought any of the points he made were reasonable or smart. Maybe I’m just old and have been trained by the internet to never trust anyone who talks about the ‘natural order of things’ or about how ‘hunting helps cull the undesirable, lesser species’, but no one who says that is a nice or charming person. His whole diatribe about technology was likewise, like listening to an old man yell at a could. There are many valid points against how technology rules people’s lives these days, but having less time for hunting, is really not one of them. There was no real scene where I understood why Greer liked him, other than him being hot and calling her beautiful. I can’t really decide if this is a flaw with Henry as a character (since Greer is pretty dumb and naive), but the fact that I didn’t buy any of the characters traits he was meant to have doesn’t say good things. Even General Zaroff, who is character Henry is so clearly based on, was so much more charming and gallant, and had interesting things to say, even if you knew he was mad the whole time. That’s what I expected; what I got was a bad Lost villain. The lead characters fared much better. First we have Chanel or Nel. I actually liked her fine; she’s rich and incredibly insecure in her place in the world, since she grew up middle class and is forced to quickly adapt and assimilate in a world that is notoriously isolated, hostile and judgmental. She has lots of flaws; she’s superficial, she’s cowardly and she’s easily seduced, but I liked that she overcame a lot of them, and I enjoyed her friendship with Greer. Shafeen was my absolute favorite character. I don’t often read about Indian characters, and I’m not entirely sure how accurate his characterization was in this, but what we get I liked a lot. He was smart, he was opinionated and unlike Henry, he was actually charming. When he compliments Nel or Greer I believed it, and I could imagine him saying it and it sounding enticing. He wasn’t perfect either; he says some nasty things to Greer, and he also holds some ‘problematic’ views on hunting and this world of high class, which is understandable seeing as he’s royalty. Greer was interesting. I can’t say I liked her, but she wasn’t a bad character. She has this tendency to compare everything to films, which I also do, and as such I know first hand how grating it can be. I appreciated that her repertoire was pretty broad, spanning classics, French films, blockbusters and romantic comedies, and the ending bit that involved Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows was surprisingly fitting, and actually made sense with the plot of the book. However, Greer was also probably the most dumb and naive character I’ve read from in a while. I don’t mean that as in she’s badly written, I think she’s supposed to be kind of dumb. There were so many points where she lets herself be manipulated by Henry purely because it’s the easier option, and it was grating to read about. I’m not saying I want the character to be a genius, but again, maybe I’m just too old to believe the things she does even for a second. The other issue I had with Greer was that she seemed to not really have her priorities straight. This is hard to discuss without spoilers, but let’s just say, considering what she finds out about Henry, and what nearly happens to her while at the mansion, the guilt that she carries feel ill-placed. Nel even calls her out on her behavior, which makes me think it was intentional, but we never truly have a moment to acknowledge that what the Medievals are doing wasn’t just misguided and accidentally, but sociopathic, not to mention racist and classist. Overall I liked this book quite a lot. I think it was well written, explored some really interesting topics, and had a fast paced, engaging plot. I am confident that I would like anything else Bennet writes, and that with perhaps a slightly different plot, her work could be some of my favorite. As is, I do recommend this thriller, only if you manage your expectation, and have more patience for tomfoolery than me

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