#lunebordeaux

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I always try to touch what I shouldn't touch

and I want what I can't have

and I spend nights on my phone, afraid of dying

and I realize that every living being around me

is mortal

I wonder when I started to be afraid of the night

and I can't look at the starry sky anymore

because it reminds me of everything I don't know

and that I'd like to know

and that I'd like to touch

and that I'd like to buy

and every item I bring home

is so mine that I'd like to merge it with my body

I wish I was a teenager again

and could have fun again

I'd like to be despicable again

and amoral

and I'd like to meet that girl

and kick her

because there's no current problem of mine that isn't her fault

but I had fun

and maybe this poem is too personal

and I'm sorry for what I've done

and I'd like to talk to myself

tell myself that maybe it's not my fault that my hands are constantly shaking

I want to cry under the stars

because only they can understand

I forgave myself last year

yet I carry myself around on a leash

and I punish my body

and maybe even now I'm just doing what I always do

I am judging myself

but my legs never stop

because I know I'm walking on a treadmill

and I can't afford to stop.

– just keep going.

lunebordeaux, 20/08/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I know nobody will ever love you as violently as I did

maybe he loves your personality, maybe your body

but I loved your soul

in particular

the darkest part.

– violently.

lunebordeaux, 24/05/21.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

and remember

you'll come into my life

and I'll accept you as you are

because nobody accepted me as I was

and you can tell me whatever story you want to tell me

and I'll believe you

because nobody believed me

and I hope you'll like glitter and laughters

like I do

so you won't call me superficial

when I'll obsess over my makeup and my smile

and if you'll hit me

don't worry, I won't get mad

because that's how people showed me love

and if you'll caress me

I won't understand

and please, don't expect anything from me

they said I'm selfish so I must be

that means I want everything and I can't give

and I'll show you only smiles

because I don't want to be a burden to you

but you can come crying to me

and I won't complain

you can tell me that you love me

and that you admire me

that'll boost my ego for a while

I will admit that

but don't touch my shoulder

and don't call me friend

because I'm just waiting

for the next knife planted in my back.

– I'll understand.

lunebordeaux, 08/06/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

a cold hand on mine

a soft insult in my ear

a secret goodbye on my tongue

sweat on our skin

I want to take you to my favorite forest

and fuck you there

while I tell you stories about

how I used to play among those trees

when I was little

and you would grab my throat

asking me to shut up

you said

if we fuck I'm yours

but my mind belongs to the sky

and my body to the earth

and you know that

even when the earth will die

and we will be forced to leave it for another planet

I'll stay, and I'll stay forever

'cause she gave me flesh

and told me to take care of her living beings

to water plants

and raise animals

and hold people

hands and waists

she told me to kiss the resin that comes out of trees

and the blood that comes out of people

she told me to kiss my skin

and laugh

and act childishly

so that only animals will approach me

and I'd spend entire days

lying down on the ground

like a corpse

staring at every single movement I see

even when it's snowing

and my hands turn purple

and my lips bleed

and even when it's raining

and my clothes become transparent from the water

and even when it's foggy

and nothing can see me

and even when it's sunny

and that one ray warms my skin

and I remember that I'm not dead

I just live in an artificial and dystopian society.

– if man is God, then I want to live in hell.

lunebordeaux, 09/07/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I'm scared of being in a relationship, because when I'm in a relationship I lose myself and my individuality. I'm scared of going back to who I was when I was with [...]. I don't want to face life, it seems too difficult, I want to go back to being a child when my future was already decided. how can I decide for my future? it seems absurd to me. I am unable to. I'm too weak for these things. I can't change, I'm afraid of everything. reality is too hard for me, I can't accept it. I'm afraid of my heart and my body, my personality and what I could do if I took away all the limits I impose on myself. I don't want to lose anyone but I've made these friends by showing them a personality I want to get rid of. I can't help thinking about the future, and the future is uncertain and out of control but somehow I have to get it under control but I can't. I'm afraid to ask for help, I'm ashamed of it. I am a child, in every sense except for my body. I think like a child, react like a child, act like a child, see and observe things like a child. I want to have someone that loves me and touches me and caresses me and comforts me and makes the decisions for me but I can't afford that. I'm a fucking narcissist and I think I'm better than everyone else. I think I'm the only one who knows the absolute truth but I don't care about the absolute truth I only care about being admired and seen and loved and respected, about petting animals and lying down on flowers, and getting hurt and seeing blood coming out of a bruise, and writing and feeling emotions, running in the middle of the street and screaming and laughing while playing with the snow, and taking pictures with friends, and reading, drawing, touching myself, going for walks at night with my mother. please please please why should I care about my future? why should I think about university and a job? and money and having a home and a family, when all I want is to be free to do, feel, be. I don't care about the fate of the world or the universe and whether the government controls us or not, why can't I play with bugs in a sunflower field until I die? why can't I start walking and only stop when my body can't take it anymore? what have I become... I don't recognize myself anymore. this is not me anymore. I am a product of society and am no longer the embodiment of freedom as I was as a child. how disgusting.

– the biggest cage I live in is myself.

lunebordeaux, 07/07/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I'm studying biology

and I remember you

I'm singing a song

and I remember you

I'm brushing my hair

and I remember you

I'm talking to a new person

and I remember you

and you're studying psychology

and I want to know

who you think of

if it's not me

and I don't know how

you don't think of me

'cause we were literally perfect together

but that's a picture only I saw

and you told me

you're looking for someone to love

and I'll go on with my life

knowing I'll never be that someone.

– memories memories memories.

lunebordeaux, 22/05/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I know I try to convince myself and others that I have become a disgusting and immoral person because of my traumas

but I already was before

I have met evil people in my life

does this mean that I was worse than them?

they hurt me out of envy

and now I'm the envious one

I hope I won't hurt anyone

I hope I won't stain my hands the same way.

– envy.

lunebordeaux, 23/03/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I don't know what I'm doing

this life was supposed to be art

instead, it's just a bunch of defective drafts

I'm a defective draft

I was supposed to be art

I am beautiful and a body like this can't go to waste

I'm smart and funny and a mind like this can't go to waste

but I just can't seem to creare the final shape.

– masterpiece.

lunebordeaux, 07/04/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I tried to hold people's hands. I really couldn't. I found some boring. the ones I found interesting, I was drawn to push away. I need to describe what I have inside, but there are no words. a burning city. a bloody garden. I have stars and carmine clouds. used knives, a mother that yells. a purple sky. a big, crimson moon and someone that points at her. a constant plead for a soft place. a constant demand for chaos.

I like small talk. I like conversations about university. every time someone tries to open my chest, I run away. or, I let them, I bleed on them, and then I scream at them to forgive me.

how can I show all this anger? all this desire? how can they comprehend?

if I open my mouth, will they listen? if I open my mouth, will they try to understand?

I want a soft touch. I want someone to scratch my lungs. I want a gentle caress on my cheek. I want a hard slap on my teeth.

I don't need salvation. do I? I'm perfect and I love myself. will they?

– inside.

lunebordeaux, 12/02/22.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

It didn't hurt because I forgot

and now my past is just a bunch of words

I reserve my feelings for the place I'm meant to own

I'm living such a human life

looking for a mate

looking for people that understand

but I knew this already

I knew that no one can truly understand

that when I was born

I had a vision in my mind already

and I'm that and nothing else

and all that shit

about changing, changing, changing

and maturing

and forgetting who you were

and hating who you were

but I never change

I never mature

I never forget

and I could never hate myself

and I don't understand all that

obeying another person shit

even god tries not to look at me

because I don't want to kneel

because I don't want to love

because in that vision

I am lying on the cold ground

with worms crawling on my skin

my eyes wide open

watching as the deer is dismembered by the wolf

trying to reach its teeth with my hand

but I can't move

because the earth wants me to be an observer

and a receiver

so I get rain and snow on my clothes

so I get looked at

and in that vision

I'm as alive as the wolf with a bloodstained mouth

I'm as alive as the devoured deer

I'm as alive as a rock

I'm as alive as the trees around me.

– vision.

lunebordeaux, 26/11/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

the world's darker than ever

and my hands are a little more empty

now I can finally say

that everything's fine

but when it's night

I feel like I'm nineteen again

when I spent my nights sitting on the floor of my bathroom

under the moonlight

looking at the sky and praying

asking for someone to kill me

now I want to live

and I like walking in nature

and taking pictures of animals

and drinking with friends

but if I stop for a moment

all I can do is cry

I'm trying to heal from the personality I created to survive

and I think about the future too often

I miss some people

but mostly

I miss spending my days lying in the grass

like I did when I was a child

I like looking in the mirror

and there's nothing I don't like about me

yet I feel like something is still missing

like there's still something I need to protect myself from

sometimes I look at my window

and I think with relief that I can jump whenever I want

I dig my nails into my flesh

because I'm still craving

and there are things and people and animals that I have to protect

I can finally brush my teeth in the morning

and I can study and work out

I can laugh on the phone

and I can eat

but my hands

want to be violent again.

– everything's fine.

lunebordeaux, 07/05/23.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

you can't love me as if I were the stars

I'm the moon.

– stars.

lunebordeaux, 24/12/19.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I'm going to leave a place in my life for you

but not in my plans

not anymore.

– "we'll stay together forever".

lunebordeaux, 03/10/19.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

if I text her

will she reply?

if I break up with him

will he hate me?

will I cry again?

the next morning

I'd wake up with swollen eyes

I'd put make up on

and I'd go on with my life

I know there's nothing to worry about

I've survived worse years.

– what if.

lunebordeaux, 14/12/22.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

I turn off the 2 am alarm

I go out at night

and I dance among my flowers

and I smile while my lips tremble

and I hope to fall asleep on the grass

I have nothing to smile about

I blush every time I see my body in the mirror

and while others' eyes turn me into a hole

I become the scariest version of myself.

– night sky.

lunebordeaux, 17/10/20.

[lunebordeauxpoetry]

you look like snow

but you're comfortably warm

can I even touch you?

I look like lava

but I'm freezing cold.

– opposites.

lunebordeaux, 25/01/22.