#makes me a little sad sometimes </3
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i love ao3 dearly but the day more authors stop including spiderbit in the relationship tag when it hasn’t been shown yet and/or stating they’re a minor/background ship via the tags when they only show up a bit is the day i can live truly happy on that website
#this isn’t a super big complaint or a targeted one to someone in particular#please don’t crucify me#but reading a fic hoping to see spiderbit or see more of them than i actually see#makes me a little sad sometimes </3#not main tagging but the ship name is there so uh#yeah#update your tags as you go if you’re writing a multi-chapter!! just a word of advice#may delete this later we’ll see
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My comic is so pretty...
The hiatus is letting me take a little extra time on these episodes, and I'm definitely putting it to good use!!!
#almost done with my 8th episode... which will give me. two weeks. of buffer...#id really like at LEAST a month... but to be more comfortable id like two#which means 2-6 more episodes before I come back!#I've got about 7 weeks so its possible. but i do still have to finish book 4#so much to do ..........#I decided for my next comic im doing 3 updates a month.#having 10 days instead of 7 to make an episode is such a huge huge huge difference...#difference in quality and in my health!#anyways the comic is really pretty im really happy with the work im doing rn#the environments especially. im getting to spend a nice amount of time on them and theyre turning out so nicely#its nice to be able to write with a lot of different environments and not have to redo panels when I get to them cause of time#cause every time theres a wild angle? you need a new background...#so sometimes. often actually. there just isnt the time to make the backgrounds for those and i have to make them more flat...#which is fine. it doesnt really affect anything narratively. but. idk. it's kinda sad right?#anyways yeah! 10 days will be much better.#36 episodes a year is about what ive been uploading with my hiatuses on the weekly schedule anyways!#so might as well cut out that super stressful middleman and just commit to that#52 a year is just such a huge difference and i have to accept its not possible to me#i will hurt myself trying to do that. and i want to make comics my whole life!#so i cant push myself that hard now and sacrifice my future. we're gonna go slower after this...#anyways yeah cant wait to come back but also time. if I could get an extra week like a secret one just for me#where theres no chores no nothin just me and my work#thatd be great! so go ahead and do what you gotta do to give me a little pocket dimension#me: ugh i want to return right now...#the more logical me: NO we need the time to finish everything!!!!!! NOT right now!!!!#time and time again#ttawebcomic#comic panels#hiatus stuff#adam and steve
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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Actually is there any cure to feeling like I'm a failure of a person if I don't keep posting fic regularly. Like I know this is not a job or anything. It's just for fun. But with how most people comment only within a day or two of when something is posted, I end up with weeks and weeks of no comments, even when the hits on my works still go up, so it makes me feel rather forgotten.
Like idk. This is probably just feeling worse bc im apparently phenomenally neurotic today. But I wish people commented on older fics more.
#speculation nation#like it's not in my head it's the same thing. everyone experiences it.#theres a spike in new comments for the first day or two. by day 3 id be lucky to get 1 or 2. and beyond that?#well i do get some Sometimes but it's usually the stragglers in reading an update or the rare wonderful person who comments as they read#highlight on the rare. ive only had a handful of these types of people. wonderful when it happens. but it's not the rule.#no after day 4 of posting something new comments drop off into practically nothing. even as hits and kudos still go up.#so it's hard to not feel shitty about it. why do people think it's so bad to interact with older things?#it makes me feel like i Have to keep posting things just to have my writing be recognized.#and logically i know it's not like ppl dont love it anymore. clearly at least a few do.#the people who are supportive on my posts or reach out to me about it. you know.#but overall... idfk. mass majority of readers just dont interact after the first few days. if at all.#and it makes me feel so forgotten. like i have to be a fast fashion poster always and forever to keep ppl's attentions.#i dont want to write under that pressure. im so tired. and im Still grieving.#idk. i just feel so under appreciated. even though i know im one of the lucky ones with how sweet my readers are.#it's just... hard. when the vast majority of my readers dont bother to give back to me. even a little bit.#idk. i should probably stop thinking about it. im just making myself sad.
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it's here!!!!!!
thanks to everyone who was so so patient with me. i have finally written again! i love me some time skip so i got a little silly. go check it out if ur chill like that ^-^
#sertegra#hellsing#AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!#AAAAAAA#hope i can feed you guys just a little bit with some of my ideas#got another one shot in the bank so expect that to drop sometime soon for realsies this time#hope that i didnt accidentally make this fic like. the Soul Crusher 9000 i just wanted to experiment with sad things a bit#let me know what u guys think tho i always love to hear from yall :3#bye byeee! ✌️🪰#my fic
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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thinkin about the imaginary timeline where antonia sharpe and fanny and charlotte aubrey are friends again...
#em is posting about sharpe#aubreyad#julia's post reminded me of this and now I am haunted by it...#if we had more characterization for what any of these three are like when they're grown up I'd write a fic about it#(I actually don't know if we get more fanny and charlotte later; haven't made it past thirteen-gun salute yet)#(but I know we don't get any more antonia (sadness forever on account of))#anyway sometimes I ponder it. sometimes I ponder antonia and the aubrey kids going on little adventures together#three girls raised by soldiers and sailors (and sophy also) and consequently they're a little odd for society#brigid also there because we are brigid maturin enthusiasts on this here blogge#(maybe even richard hornblower if we wanted to get really wacky with it...)#and. andandand. also I think they should grow up to be gay and butch also. but that is me making things up out of hand#then again if I can make up what william bush's sisters are like solely off the mention that he has four sisters then I get to do this also#sorry cornwell/pob/forester/&c it's my sandbox now and I'll put lesbians in it if I damn well please :3
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Trying to find something to go with these tights? I don’t have a lot of bright clothes that match them, so went more in a mixing it with lighter colors sort of direction, maybe sort of sky themed (rainbow with the blue and white clouds)?
#self#ootd#should I start tagging things as that?? lol.. I mot sure how to tag things like this that are. not costumes really. just outfits. but not a#specific style or anything. just like experimental#I need more cloud print items also.. there just arn't many of them. OR actually. There are not many of them if you're someone like me who#pretty much exclusively gets clothes at places like the bins and thrift stores. All of the cloud print items I have are the small like 0.5%#of my wardrobe gotten from ebay in the past 10 years. I have never seen a cloud print thing out in the wild actually#OR sometimes you finally find stuff that's sky/cloud themed but it's like... a washcloth for babies. instead of a shirt. ... sad#they probably do have them and you can maybe get them at stores sometimes but. hhhh.....#Buying things new is so stinky. everything costs over $10 >:( why.. why cost mony >:(#I think once you get used to everything being like 25 cents an item to MAYBE $8 or something at a real thrift store#going to online or in person stores and seeing stuff like a cloud dress but it's $65 is like.......... I could never. I could never fathom#I mean. I WOULD pay $65 for a dress if it was literally like. Exactly every specific thing I love all in one and I know I would never find#it again in my entire life and could not make it myself and etc. etc. Like a pastel blue and white historical style dress with#puffy sleeves that goes down to the ankles and has a high ruffled collar and also has a pattern with cats and clouds and stars on it and the#sleeves and striped and there's lace and bows and things dangling from the cuffs and part of it is irridescent and there are long buttons or#lacing or some other elaborate details and tassles somewhere also and it's layered and 3 sizes too big for me so it's not tight#or etc. etc. I would pay maybe $80 for that. Perhaps $100 if it came with accessoriy bits (like a ruffled fancy apron or shawl or hisorical#bonnet or matching gloves that also had cats on them etc. ) - but otherwise. No.#ANYWAY. for someone who loves clouds SO much. I have so little actual cloud themed clothing and house things lol#If I had a billion dollars though... >:) I would give 80% of my money to charity obligatory but what I had left I would use to have like.#the most Themed house ever. so much clouds and also cats. rug shaped like clouds. a cloudy sky mural on every cieling.#full wardrobe of cloud print cloaks and stuff. so on and so forth lol
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What is it about that Bastard Jock Hunnicutt that inspires such all out warfare amongst fans and shippers it's so sad and strange to me...... over here in Charlesblr every time I turn around the CharHawk and CharDonna ppl are making out with tongue. Hell nobody's even blocked ME yet and I'm into Charles/Klinger. Beej fans get out of the trenches he's not worth it!!
#sometimes the CharHawk and CharDonna ppl make all 3 of them make out with tongue. to which I say godspeed!#anyways personally I only find Bj interesting when in the Punnihawk ot3 but that's my personal opinion only#anyways don’t go into ppls inboxes to argue with them guys come on that's no fun#especially on anon! how am I supposed to keep track of which of my mutuals hates which!#anyways I need to fucking CLEAN but I got DISTRACTED by the ARGUING#BJ ruining everything yet again. No wonder Peg is leaving him :/#oh also if someone DOES now block me for charmax crimes that's on me but I will feel sad :(#cmahhnnnn I'm just a little guy.... noooo...... and also it's my birthday on Halloween
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I ate half a strawberry today :)
#camera talks#this is a good thing btw#strawberry is one of the things I Can’t eat very easily#(texture and taste and also. idk general dislike unfortunately </3 it makes eating really hard sometimes :/)#(there are a couple other things but like. strawberry and tomato are the main things that affect me tbh)#I’ve been trying to eat strawberry and tomato a little bit more just bc I’d Like to be able to eat them?#most of the time it’s like. not good at all and I’m very sad#but today it wasn’t Bad. (still wasn’t a great taste or texture but like. I ate it !)#anyways one more hour of work yayy <3#also I have a de thing I’ve been working on that I might end up posting idk yay <3
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on a vaguely unrelated note (thinking about miki) i would love love love for someone who’s genuinely passionate about miki’s character to gush about him to me. like, why he’s a compelling character to them. because every miki meta ive read has just left me a bit like ……. Ok Then. like i appreciate and understand what’s happening but im struggling to go apeshit about it in the way rgu makes me apeshit about everything else. worth mentioning this is something that only effects miki for me, not kozue
#i truly don’t understand why he does nothing for me. like !!!!!! what!!!!!!!#idk it’s not really that deep but sometimes im trying to write about rgu and it makes me sad i can’t do him justice#i think partially. im irritated by his ability to dodge the weird and horrible accusations#he’s so weird and so horrible but in a unique way and i want to zero in on that and poke at him like a bug in a jar#and some of you guys talk about him like he’s just a little guy a birthday boy. like no#that’s tsuwabuki ok and even then tsuwabuki is bonkers. love him tho <3#anywayyyyyyy#shut up daisy
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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i said this yesterday and its been a while since i mentioned it and even longer since i explained what it means and why? basically a primary/intended audience is the people that will care about what youre putting out the most, first and foremost. ive centered my art's intended audience around myself, as a way to make sure i dont cloutchase or pin self worth on other's approval or get burnt out on things i dont want to draw. i know myself and how my brain works and none of those would be a good situation for either of us, so i make sure that i like the art i draw myself before i post it, and while i do consider what others think, i dont prioritize other's approval or attention over my own approval or attention on my art. its always appreciated but its never like. the main sole initiative to post whatever ive drawn next
#sometimes i come across artists who draw solely to get and maintain a large audience and they share tips like 'flip and recolor old art to-#stay up on posting! your audience will never notice' and i just get so sad for them#youre posting art for digital hearts and solely for digital hearts#not even for comments from people who really care about your stuff. do you even like your art? or do you just think you need to draw whats#popular to stay relevant and to maintain your follows list? not even a community just a number of followers?#i could never. its so against my art morals in so many ways#i decided to be my own primary audience for like self care mental health reasons and gotta say im glad i decided to do that#before any like art clout brainworms got in my head#anyway sidenote this bleeds into other things too#i make references that only i get sometimes#i dropped a kul backstory easter egg into on my my uc art post tags semi recently and that was just a special little treat for me#literally no one noticed. or said that they noticed#hehe#anyways i dont know if this makes sense ive tried to make this post like 3 times today before getting interrupted. either way! post!
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day after tomorrow is concert biting my arms off
#i made some stuff and i feel more prepared#i wish everything would slow down i feel so overwhelmed#autism be kicking my ass sometimes#feel so so so wore out#it’s making me all grumpy and sad :(#i’m so tired . ugh#traveling is hard in my body and brian#i’m rlly hoping everything will go smoothly#i rlly need everything to go smoothly. i rlly rlly do#it is nice i get three days off :) concert day and then pt day#and then one little extra day :-) it’s very very nice#and then i work one day and get another day off :3 im a lucky duck#took some days off for stuff#i am dead tired. gn
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Bro fr tho that fic should've gotten so many more notes cuz it was immaculate. I especially liked both of their reasons for linking themselves to kings in the moment- John because reading history is the only enjoyable thing he can do anymore that's just for himself, and Paul because he's trying to catch up on some stories. It's subtle but it's really quite illustrative of their different attitudes. And it makes me think that Paul is trying to perhaps make himself appear more 'cultured' by knowing about different monarchs and their stories (maybe in fear of not living up to his inner circles expectations or missing out on something). Idk tho lol. Loved the fic. Would tattoo it directly on my brain if that wasn't probably fatal I think
What a kind message thank you so much for sending me this!!! <333
In a way, the difference in king "choices" was, I guess, inspired by that tumblr drama we had a year ago over which of the two was more bookish, when it to me mostly seems that they just had different tastes, and I wanted the fic to reflect that :')
I'm quite certain tattooing anything (let alone 1000 words) on your brain would be kind of fatal so please don't do that but I appreciate the thought 😁
#I more or less have come to accept that the vast majority of things I feel like writing are kind of highly specific to my own interests#and not what most people are looking for in fic#or – idk#(sometimes I think that like… there's a group of people who Would enjoy my writing but don't think they would based on the description#which again is down to ME mostly; it's on me to figure out how to market my art lol.#but sometimes it does make me a little sad.#But when people like you come into my inbox or comments it makes it all worth it again!!! :)#So I will happily continue to write for whomever is going to read <3 )#ask#anon#fic#fave
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#diary#personal#i was gonna journal but im far too tired now and i cant.#so instea imma ramble here.#anyways. i was thinking lately how as i got earlier i sorta would just. cut off parts of myself.#like. id observe everyone around me. figure out what was socially acceptable. and remove what wasnt.#sometimes... people would say little things. and i work very very hard to to fix that about myself.#like. if i dont understand humor. i worked REALLY hard so i could. and so i could figure out how to joke and talk with others.#and god. anytime i make friends i try REALLY FUCKING HARD to make sure i like. do their activities that theh like.#i just sorta hope that i can have friends that way. if they like cars well now i do. if they like computers now i do. etc.#and like. i used to try hard to keep up with pop culture shit so i could feel included. cuz otherwise id be left out.#honeslty all of elemetry school i remember trying so hard to fit in and it really made me feel like i lost myself in it all.#i remember in high school a lot of this came to a head and i sorta just. felt lost a lot.#i like. feel a lot better now. i dont do things i dont wanna. i dont try so hard to blend in. but its still really hard sometimes.#i remember. i used to always have to ask what people mean. what a joke was about. i felt excluded from things a lot.#i sorta. gave up on friends in like. grade 7-8ish. i was also sorta depressed. so id just. watch people#and in the winter. id sometimes walk around in little circles and make patterns in the snow. recess wasnt long enough tho#i remember in grade 3 when i sorta became the token loner id just. walk around aimlessly at school.#it was sad being excluded but i really learned to enjoy it to. to really feel the wind. to listen to the sounds. to feel present#i love the swings. still do. might be why i rock so much now? ive always just loved throwing my body around violently.#it honestly makes me really sad now bc it hurts now. i cant move in ways that are fun anymore.#i can rock tho. and i do a lot. yknow i saw a girl(?) on the bus the other day rocking#it was so... strange to see it from the outside. i wonder if thats what i look like now that i think about it.#it was distressing tho bc they seemed upset. bc thats how i rock when upset. just. very regimented.#theyd stop abruptly. then continue. i could really only see myself in that. i wanted to ask if they were okay but...#i felt that it could potentially cause more stress. besides. idk if theyre autistic or whatnot. it could be invasive. i hope they were okay#mn. i sorta wish i had never just. cut away at myself. removing what i deemed garbage.#im... so much different from the way i portay myself sometimes.#i love looking at things. just. staring at stuff. watching people. and. when im with others i remove that.#when i work i have to remove the fun from things. and that sucks.
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