#maybe. posts about my mental health that arent asking anything from anyone should. just be acknowledged with a like or a warm comment

[our-inspire-verse]

Strangers when they see another stranger posting something personal they probably shouldn't interact with

[i-cant-sing]

Me (an atheist) : Damn how am i gonna explain this one now

see i dont think i could ever be an atheist because I rely very HEAVILY on God to do miracles to solve my problems. Like I cant count the amount of times I've been pulled out of trouble when I had ZERO hope or chances of coming out alive, and then just a quick prayer to God/Allah and Im all set :)

Like this is not me trying to convince anyone to be religous or something, but like i dont think i could possibly function without God because i just need HIS HELP every single day.

Im sure if most of you sat down and recalled moments in your life where things just seemed to fall in line out of nowhere, when deep down you knew that this was more than just a random coincidence, that one problem you just couldnt find any solution to, and then BAM! Its done. Your issue is solved. Youre out of trouble. Your secret is safe.

Personally, I think that having a relationship with God is important for your mental health. Like Allah doesnt need me to praise him, thank him and stuff. I need to thank him for all the He blesses me with, because well- if I'm more grateful, wouldn't I be more blessed? Wouldnt He give me more?

Ofc its not like God hates those who arent grateful to Him, or that he takes away His blessings from people who dont thank him. There have been times that I hadnt been praying to Allah, hadnt been a good muslim, but... Allah didnt take away His blessings. He didnt punish me, He didnt even lessen His gifts. And yet, deep down, despite having everything in my life, I still felt... abnormal. Anxious. Depressed even. Maybe I felt so restless because I didnt have Allah with me. Which is weird, because why dont I have God with me? Isnt God supposed to love all his creations, his beings?

And thats when it hits you- Allah has always been there. He's still in the same spot, waiting for you- for me, to return to Him. It is me, you, the human who gets lost in worldly pleasures and moves away from God. And you know, Allah guides who He wills, so maybe thats why some of us feel restless even though we have everything. Sometimes Allah sends some trials our way, just to remind us of Him, to make us call Him for help, to run and return to Him. Sometimes Allah sends more blessings our way, so that we become more thankful, return to Him and ask for more- as is human nature.

And some of you may ask, as i did, "so if Allah only guides who He wills- if Allah has already planned everything, if He already knows everything, then why should I make an effort to do better? Maybe He made me this way? Maybe I was meant to not be guided?" and I think the answer to this is that the very fact that you're reading this post, the fact that you have such a dilemma about your relationship with God, the fact that you question your current belief system, maybe its Allah's sign for you.

I think that to do something, anything, we must first desire for it to happen. So... if you and I have this question about our relationship with God, and then develop a desire to improve this relationship, then maybe it is God's will to guide us.

Nothing happens without His will, so this post reaching your dashboard, you reading this despite knowing by the first two paragraphs that this is not a fic, this was Allah's will, hm?

[mentallyilltiredgirl]

vent: im greiving & i thought that my friends would be there for me to comfort me through this because this is very hard for me. 1 out of dozens of my friends asked me if i was okay & let me talk to her about it. no one else said anything to me about it & it hurts because i know they know im hurt & they know that this is affecting me. im struggling and theyre going about their lives. im not even struggling in private. they know. now not only do i have to deal with the hurt from this loss but i also have to deal with the hurt of having no one who truly cares about me. and maybe im being dramatic but it hurts so bad. ive struggled with self harm throughout all of my teenage years and clearly im into it sexually, but i havent hurt myself because i have upset/sad/angry in a really really long time and im on the verge of relapse & i feel so alone. the worst part is i know i have so many friends but at this point its making me want nothing to do with any of them. i want to cut them all off and move forward with my life with the 1 friend who reached out. & im scared to express these feelings to my friends because i dont want them to think im seeking attention. this isnt about lack of attention, its about feeling like they genuinely dont care. i just feel so shitty & im afraid that if i keep these friends i will resent them for the rest of my life and they will never understand. i thought at least half of them would check on me and i thought a quarter of them were my genuine friends. but im not so sure thats the case anymore. ive always felt things so much harder than most people & its a blessing and a curse. i know that if i saw them post that they were going through something sad i would reach out and be there for them. i understand that i cant hold everyone to a certain standard and expect them to act the way that i would. theyre not me. i wish i could have myself as a friend and i guess in a way i do. i do have myself and i always will and i think thats special. i need to be there for myself in the way that no one else will and thats why i wont hurt myself again. i think i might give myself some distance from everyone. & when they get a clue and ask me whats wrong ill tell them. im not sure im ready for their responses and that already should tell me everything i need to know. if they were my real friends i wouldnt worry about communicating my feelings about something that genuinely hurt me. but i am worried. im worried that ill be dismissed. told that its not a big deal. i cant let people do that to me anymore. i cant let people tell me how i should feel because i am feeling these things and those feelings are real. and if they were real they would respect me. i dont feel respected. i feel ignored. theyre going on about their lives and theyre not worried about me, so why should i be worried. am i willing to throw out friendships that ive had since middle school? i might be. ive recently come to the conclusion that in life the only thing i really care about it my mental health. i just want to be happy & i want to surround myself with people who make me feel happy. evidently these people arent making me feel very happy. maybe i had too many friends anyway. i suppose i really could cut my circle down to prioritize myself. i wont be here in this town forever. i wont be surrounded by these people forever anyways. i will be surrounded by myself forever. at the end of the day i need to put myself first before anyone or anything else. im so hurt right now and moving forward i need to remember these feelings and not let anyone dismiss them. right now im making a promise to myself to hold onto these feelings when talking to these people again. i wont forget how they made me feel, and i wont let them make me doubt myself. this sounds dramatic i know, but its really how i feel.

[just-a-fangirl13]

Why s5 *might* be the season MacRiley happens

Okay so...Hear me out! I'm not crazy I promise!!

Firstly, after 5x03 (and probably 5x04) it may seem very unlikely that MacRiley could ever happen. But I thought of a few reasons why they might actually happen by the end of s5 after all.... (it gets a lil long winded and kinda complicated but just stick with me till the end!)

1. All the MacRiley moments including the ones in 5x03.

[this Mac smile could not be an accident or something that slipped through both production and post-production right?! that in itself is a whole reason!]

Every Macriley moment we have ever had- whether it's the hugs, Riley saving Mac, Mac saving Riley, the ultimate show of loyalty when Riley went after Mac during Codex or even just the looks exchanged between the two- to any outsider it would seem pretty obvious that they are dating or at least in love. Keep in mind the writers would have written each of those scenes and Lucas and Tristan have acted them out with a specific build up in mind aka MacRiley.(think about the date episode: Riley just got dumped but was still thinking about how Mac might be hungry. She didnt have to do that. She could have just shown up at his place..) I mean how can they write two people so perfectly in sync and so perfect for each other and not have them end up together? It would just be a waste of all that tension and slow burn. (not to mention all the hugs and glances)

2. They know we exist. 

The MacRiley fam is very active on twitter with the writers and while they were writing 5x01 they knew we were around. They know we are a huge group. They would not want to risk pissing 90% of the fandom off by not making MacRiley endgame.

[P.S.yes 5x03 was a bait and switch but if you were paying attention you would have noticed that neither Lucas not Tristan live tweeted or hyped up the episode. They knew we would probably hate it so they didnt publicise it too much! so in the future if you have doubts about the episode being a MacRiley one just check their stories or posts on twitter/intstagram]

3. Yes 5x03 happened. 

I really think it was an episode they HAD to write. Ok so after 4x13 they had 7 more episodes planned and were filming 4x20 (aka the finale) when the pandemic struck. So they have these 6 episodes but no finale for it. [Idk if anyone else has noticed but in 5x01 there were clearly some parts cut out. For example the conversation between Desi and Riley towards the end seemed a bit jilted. Riley asking Desi to forgive her but Desi replied with yeah we are cool (still no apology ofc) I feel like something happened during that which ended up getting cut out so it could fit with the final story.]

This makes me think that they have rewritten a few bits to tie into the new finale episode. In 5x03 when Mac asked Desi to come fishing with him which was clearly something very personal to him she was like no do better.. then we see Mac's disappointed expression. She could have easily said okay but maybe not for our first date? Or its not really my thing? Or just about anything else rather than laughing in his face like that. Eventhough MD is together they still arent compatible. Mac’s final words in 5x03 was him being desperate. I truly think he is so broken and lost that Desi is the only safe thing left, the only thing he feels like he can fix right now. Once he finds himself again and heals...then it's going to hit him like a pile of bricks!!

4. But Riley doesn't have feelings anymore...WELL doesnt she? 

When it comes to Mac, Riley is always in denial. We saw it in s4 when she tells Bozer not to make her say it. I think s5 will show her finally accepting it. Finally accepting that she is in love with her best friend and that it definitely isnt Codex adrenaline because she caught the feels when Codex wasnt even around. While Mac's arc would include realising he and Desi are never going to work and that he is unhappy and that RILEY is the one for him.

[why else would they give Riley feelings for Mac? Something has to come of it.]

5. The slow burn rule.[this point is a lil complicated] 

Now season 5 is rumoured to have 13 episodes. So here’s what I think: If MacGyver follows the pattern that most shows do when it comes to slow burns, then technically MacRIley should have happened at the end of season 4. But since the season got cut short and they didnt get to air/finish their final episode the writers had to improvise. 

From what I know, 4x19 which is 5x04 for us is the episode where Mac meets Desi’s parents and 4x20 was supposed to be the finale that was left unfinished.(they are definitely moving the timeline ahead if a pre finale episode is suddenly a mid season one.) There might have been a 4x21 or 4x22 but I haven't heard anything about those....EVER.

So what I think they have decided to do instead is extend the MD storyline a bit longer just so they dont end up scrapping all their s4 episodes where they would be together and write a new finale that ties everything together, aka MacRiley.

If you think about episode counts, s4 and s5 together would have 26 episodes which is a how long a normal season runs. Basically what im trying to say is if we follow the ‘slow burns end by s4’ and take season 5 as an extension of 4 then MacRiley should get together in the season 5 finale or maybe the episode just before. (IM REALLY TRYING TO GET SOME LOGIC INTO THIS)

This would be a typical TV thing too where the couple finds out about each other’s feelings while the main arc of the show is also at its peak, which perfectly sets up a future season where fans are hyped but still has a satisfying ending.

6. So what about MacDesi?

So far the macgyver writers have given us characters we love. Think of every character on the show apart from maybe Desi... Mac, Riley, Bozer, Jack, Matty, Leanna, Samantha, Russ and even Murdoc. WE LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. So then why is Desi such a strange character? I think shes purposely been written as an opposite to Mac or even Riley (I get she’s supposed to kinda replace Jack but Jack is really irreplaceable). 

It's not necessarily a bad thing its just not a great thing to do or have great execution. People have said things like Desi is a badass and shouldnt have to apologise or say I love you back to her boyfriend because she is a strong woman...I'm sorry but your opinion of who a strong woman is, is EXTREMELY skewed. A strong woman is someone who can make mistakes and when she does, she is ‘strong’ enough to own up to it, she is loyal and fierce and also caring while being a badass who can take down bad guys. And for GODS SAKE, RILEY DAVIS IS A STRONG WOMAN...people have called her mushy and feminine on twitter and I'm just very confused by that.....

Anyways before I go off on a rant, it seems like Desi is intentionally being written this way. Every opportunity they get to redeem her and make her more relatable or just a better person they just dont take it. While Rileys character arc is one of the best I've ever seen. Either its intentional or they’ve forgotten how to write characters...which is worrisome but ill give them the benefit of the doubt.

The writers also know we dont like Desi. The amount of times we've tagged them in the toxic posts or pointed out problematic things we can be sure they've seen at least half of those. So theres no way they dont know. RIGHT?

So why then is MD still a thing you may ask??

Well for one they cant break them up again off screen because of those unreleased s4 episodes. (not to mention the other parts of the audience who arent as invested in mac’s love life would probably be very confused.)

Secondly Mac has to be the one to pull the plug, not Desi. 4x13 made it seem like Desi was the annoyed one not Mac. He apologised to her which meant he wanted to fix things. 

Thirdly, they are opening the chpt one last time before they permanently close it. MD is going to be a stark contrast to macriley(it already is in every way possible). Every issue Mac and Desi had can be used to show how amazing macriley really is as two people who arent even dating yet.

Fourthly, MD being together is a sort of commentary on Macs mental health as well. We can see how happy he is with Riley but around Desi he becomes some one else. If the writers are doing this on purpose or subconsciously still remains to be seen.

And Yes keeping MD around for a few more episodes seems like a necessary risk right now but I have a feeling its going to be worth it later.

[I know we have had like 4 desi entered episodes already but I really think 5x04 will be the last of it since 5x05 is the Jack episode and 5x06 is Mac+Riley+Bozer episode with no mention of Desi at all!]

The writers know we are a dedicated bunch and they know that once MD breaks up for the last time the entire fandom will be waiting and watching. That's when the show will be at its peak. That will be the perfect moment to bring in MacRiley’s arc to a new start!

Congrats if you stuck with me through this whole thing! if you agree/disgaree with any of these or have other reasons why they could be endgame in s5 let me know!!

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

maybe a dumb q but is it uncommon to not relate to any grip/loop behaviour patterns? I for sure must have been in a loop/grip at some point in my life, but i just dont think i relate to just a single particular set of stress behaviours. i read the descriptions and arent they just generally... a bit vague? being irritable, withdrawal from others, self doubt, sleeplessness or oversleeping. how are these related to just one function? arent these things just common traits of a depressive episode? /1

even thinking of the times ive had depression all i did was: self loathe, play pc games, sleep, cook all the damn time even tho i barely ate anything to the point i couldnt fit any more food into my fridge, self isolate, not speak to anyone, despair, overthink, and cry. isnt that mroe or less just... common depressive behaviour? how is anyone suppose to relate that kind of disordered behaviour to any type? sorry if this is stupid btw lol i can be kinda dense /2

-----------------------------------------

Hi anon,

I don’t know if it’s common or not but I’m pretty sure it’s more normal to feel this way than not to feel this way, and here’s why.

You actually might not have ever been in a grip or loop in your life! There was a good shitpost a while ago which was like “remember how you once thought you were so twisted and unredeemable and it turned out you were just like, 15” and I think that the “I am damaged, I am unhealthy, I have undergone such trauma” mindset gets really unhealthily amplified on Tumblr and in typology circles, and it’s one that should get shut down far more than it does, and while that’s a whole other post, the summary is lots of people are like “I think I’m TERRIBLY UNHEALTHY and I’ve been looping for YEARS” and 99.9% of the time either they have a very standard and reasonably treatable mental illness, they are mistyped and so their standards for what healthy looks like are wildly incorrect for who they actually are, or they’re just like, cranky and melodramatic and need to take a nap.

It’s also of course entirely possible you have been in a grip or loop if you were, chances are your mind was on something else and your memories of that time are not going to be Ah yes, I recall when my tertiary function’s impulses were used to validate the worst impulses of my dominant function which then reinforced those tertiary function behaviors; they’re going to be “I remember when I was going through some really bad times.”

I don’t know which descriptions you read because the ones I have linked aren’t quite that vague, but things like irritability, withdrawal, self-doubt, and sleeplessness are indeed pretty universal stress behaviors (and this includes acute stress that falls short of mental illness - like, a breakup or finals week can lead to this sort of behavior). They can’t and shouldn’t be linked to any specific type.

Which brings me to my point, which is I think I have, at least for the past couple years, been increasingly clear in that I think typing off of stress behaviors is an unequivocally bad idea. It’s bad because a lot of stress behaviors are widespread symptoms of either normal levels of stress or various mental illnesses (ie, you are 100% justified in asking how one could possibly relate the general behaviors you describe to a type). It’s bad because it pushes you to focus on yourself at your worst instead of at your normal baseline functioning, which absolutely, in my opinion, is going to perpetuate that edgy I Am Damaged mentality for people who are completely average in terms of health, and make it easier for people who actually are dealing with mental illness to think it’s just who they are instead of a treatable situation that can be improved. It’s bad because people are the least likely to be able to consider themselves objectively and calmly in those moments, and neurologically, it’s actively hard to remember things when you’re depressed, stressed, or grieving - like, if you are clinically depressed for a couple of months, you will not form new memories of that time in the same way you normally would! So typing off of stress basically is like ‘hey take this thing about which you have little in the way of valid information and which makes you feel bad about yourself and hyperfixate on this only and use it to consider something that’s supposed to be a model of your personality at large’. It is such a bad idea and I have theories as to why it caught on but it doesn’t matter because it just needs to stop.

This isn’t to say looping and gripping aren’t worth considering, but if you read Was That Really Me, the text that defined gripping, there are some worthwhile takeaways. First: this book is the observations of an external party (the psychologist who wrote it), not the observations of people actually living it. Second, while there’s some advice on what to do, it’s from the perspective of that therapist, a person who has been explicitly brought in by those people experiencing stressors to help.

I don’t think the intent of introducing the concept of gripping was to help people type themselves or avoid the step of seeking some kind of help during a period of stress, but rather to provide some explanations for patterns of behavior, perhaps indicate some warning signs, and show how psychologists who use MBTI apply it.

More generally, understanding the loop and grip for your type can help show you the specific thought process behind certain stress behaviors you have as an individual that are not explicitly symptoms of depression or anxiety, but it’s a thing to look at after you already have figured out your type from other means, and it’s a potential pitfall, not a thing that you’ve necessarily experienced.

[gluestickcherrybum]

Happy Earth Day peeps! ヾ(@°▽°@)ノ

I haven’t written in a while but I wanted to write something for this occasion, and more posts about environmentalism since its something i’m quite passionate about. Coronavirus is pretty much all anyone’s talking about lately. And as a result , our entire way of living has been adjusted due to the outbreak: Staying indoors, washing our hands, and social distancing has become the new normal.

But just because we’re experiencing difficult times doesn’t mean we should lose sight of the bigger picture which is caring for the earth. 

Thinking about sustainability is even more important now because it connects us to the world at a time we’re told to quarantine ourselves. We’re told now more than ever to purchase single-use hand sanitizers, face masks, gloves, and other products. 

Unfortunately, these items will likely end up in landfills, or worse - the environment. Already, face masks are polluting the shores of Hong Kong. Also, people fear reusable items like never before - some businesses flat out refusing reusable mugs, containers and produce bags. While I understand we want to stay healthy, and prevent the spread of the virus, we should still make a conscious effort to think about how our decisions effect the Earth too. So, with this in mind, here’s how to stay zero waste during the coronavirus outbreak.

Why should we care about zero waste right now?

Sustainability probably isn’t on the forefront of anyone’s mind right now, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still care or talk about it. As I mentioned earlier, thinking about sustainability helps us connect to the world in a time we’re told to bunker down and stay inside. It helps us appreciate things and maybe view the world a little differently. And, as scary and disheartening as all of this is - there is some good news too.

For example, there have been several reports of clearer waters in Venice where fish are now visible. Air pollution has dropped significantly in Italy due to the fact that fewer fossil fuels are being burned from people staying indoors. Even New York, Los Angels, Chicago, Seattle and Atlanta have reported significant drops in air pollution.

I’m well aware these positive changes come at a cost - so they’re bittersweet, at most. However, they can’t be ignored. It would be fantastic if, after the emergency is over, we could remember the beauty we’ve seen reappear in the world and do our best to preserve it.

There’s of course negative news as well, single-use items are being disposed on the daily and ending up littering up our community. Worst part is, these gloves and masks are not biodegradable or good for the environment - they’re made with petroleum. They’re also a health hazard because you can’t exactly pick these items up without worrying you’ll catch something.

That’s why it’s so important to think about sustainability right now. And zero waste does figure into all of that. By remaining zero waste during this time, we’re acting on our commitment to bettering the planet as a whole. 

How can I stay zero waste during the coronavirus outbreak?

Thankfully, there are several ways to make an impact during this time. All hope is far from lost.

Make the most of your food by reducing food waste

In this hard time, the food we eat should be cherished. With so many people struggling to put meals on the table due to job loss, we need to make our food last us. One way we can do this is by cooking with leftovers. For example, if you have some leftover rice and vegetables - make fried rice. Or turn boiled potatoes into mash.You can also get creative and make vegetable stock out of food scraps, turn mushy berries into jam, pickle some fruit. Or getting into some good old composting.

Invest in reusable masks and gloves

During this time, you’ll likely see a ton of people walking around with face masks and gloves on. Most of them are single use too. As I mentioned earlier, lots of face masks and gloves are being littered right now. 

It’s bad enough these items are single use only, they should be disposed of properly. Face masks have already started to wash up on the shores of Hong Kong in addition to other ocean polluters. Yikes.

Cloth masks havent been proven to be as efficient as clinical face masks in filtering the air, but for those who are sick and would like to prevent infection to others, the cotton does aid in catching water droplets from coughing and such. Just make sure to wash them regularly.

Instead of plastic gloves, consider using those reusable rubber gloves that people use to wash dishes sometimes. You can wash them with soap or even boil them to disinfect.

Decluttering

If you haven’t yet read Marie Kondo’s book “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up”, now’s a good time to get inspired. Time to go through all of your items and find the items that truly “spark joy” and be rid of the rest. Unfortunately during this time, you can’t exactly donate items to thrift shops. More than likely, thrift shops will be closed. However, you can at least set items aside to be donated once all of this is over. If you’re not comfortable waiting that long, you can always try selling it online like on Depop or Carousel.

That said, don’t be afraid to throw certain things out. I know that may seem kind of counterproductive, as I’m advising you to stay zero waste during this crisis.However, I’m fully aware there are some items we hold onto as zero wasters because we hope to keep them out of the landfill as long as possible. Items that are hard to recycle, or we don’t know how to recycle; items we believe we can fix but never get around to fixing; items simply destined for landfill one way or the other.

I know it hurts to let these items go, but you have to. It’s good for your mental health, and for the sake of your home. Remember: There is no such thing as being fully zero waste. We can get very close, but the truth is, our economy is a linear one. And every living creature creates waste of some sort. Now, this doesn’t mean I want you throwing out perfectly good items. Try to find items homes first! See if your friends or family want items you don’t first. Then, if not, seek to donate or sell. But obviously things like clothing tags and junk mail must go.

Invest in reusable period products

At this moment of crisis, with everyone panic buying basic necessities, menstrual pads and tampons are starting to get scarce so much so, you might have a hard time finding those items these days . This might be a good time to try out some sustainable alternatives. Women spend an enormous price in period products throughout their lifetime, so investing in reusables not only keeps a phenomenal amount of waste from landfills, but also saves the time going to the store and a whole lot of money.

Personally i use a menstrual cup (which i might write a whole post about it later), but for the less adventurous there are a good few other choices like reusable cloth pads and period panties (which sounded like a miracle when i first heard about them, but i haven’t seemed to be able to find any sold locally for now)

Heck, invest in reusable anything…

Its not just pads and tampons with reusable counterparts, if you want to get a little advanced in zero waste, try swapping out any disposable items possible, like stainless steel safety razors for plastic ones (ask your granddad), the infamous metal straw for plastic straws, or even things as simple as bar soap for bottled body soap.

Shop for food without the waste

During this time, please only stock up on what you need. You don’t have to hoard food - there’s plenty to go around. There’s more than enough food for everyone. Just take what you need and leave some for others.

To continue shopping sustainably, you can bring your own reusable shopping bags or produce bags (or you can diy some from old pillow cases)

I understand not everyone will be able to shop in bulk during this time for dry goods. So, you should shop as if you have no bulk food options. This means opting for items packaged in paper, cardboard, glass and aluminum.

If you must get something packaged in plastic, get the biggest container you can afford. Smaller plastics especially cling film are harder to or even impossible to recycle. Less than 9% of plastic is actually recycled so the less we consume, the less will likely end up in the landfill or oceans.

And thats all for today’s post, im sorry if its posted a bit later on Earth day than expected. I hope everyone is safe and healthy during these hard times. And if youre a student, i hope the online classes arent as bad as people say (im conveniently on a special leave of absence this semester (see my last post) so i have no idea how its going down) and if youre interested in more tips and tricks in being zero waste, feel free to hit me up and maybe ill write more posts like these. Thanks for reading ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

[verngyu-moved]

hello !!! ive been too shy to send this till now but im thinking that ill be sending an extremely long message to you ! hopefully i won't reveal myself !!! i love you a lot like words can not express how thankful i am to you and to your posts and to your blog and hey it's okay. you don't have to do anything, your existence itself is enough and is good. you are loved greatly, and im so sorry i didn't say anything till now but i love you. greatly. extremely. more than mere words can describe (1/?)

or more than i, myself, can properly ever express ! i love you a lot and you are loved and cherished deeply and greatly. and whatever you decide, ill always support you. i believe that you can kick ass with your criminology course and i believe that you can shatter the very universe and reach the sky, and i firmly believe in this. you’re strong and i love you very much. thank you for your hard work and for making such beautiful content even when you don’t have time and is busy. it’s okay (2/?)even if you don’t make a lot of content nowadays, it’s okay to take a break. it’s okay to be in a funk. it’s okay to not want to do anything. it’s okay to give yourself some time and just let yourself go. it’s okay. your gifs may not do as well as before, but hey! think about this!! whenever i see your gifs on my dash, i immediately know it’s yours. i think your gifs are these pockets of joy and loveclouds and i genuinely mean this. they are always so pretty and so perfectly timed and (3/?)well-made. like seriously !! they always look so wonderful and idk how your hands can do it. like bless you ! i love you very much. thank you for your constant hard work really! i can not like commend you in ways i want to cause my words is lacking but i really just wanted to tell you that your blog is special. and that i absolutely love you here, but really, you should do what you want. what makes you the happiest. what gives you the most ease and comfort. please always put yourself (4/?)before others ! you deserve it !!! you really do!! anyhow i just wanted to tell you that i love and cherish your greatly and that thank you so much for all that you do. you’re doing well. you have been doing well. and i know that you will continue to do well, so give yourself a little more credit, and be kinder to yourself. you’re a lovely starbeam and i love you very much! thank you once again!! im sorry hah this is REALLY LONG! ill leave with a pickup line! are you French.. CAUSE MADAM! (5/5)

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well firstly, thank u for this very thoughtful and kind message. i did not expect something like this!!

i rly didnt make that post to guilt-trip anyone into messaging me, following me, sending an ask, etc., i just really dont think anyone cares about me or would miss me if i deactivated. friends, sure, but w/friends ive made on here i have added on other social media so i dont think they could really “miss” me bc they see my dumbass posting mingyu pics on my insta story because of this, i think about doing that a lot lately

i dont really even know why it bothers me so much (my posts underperforming); its just a site. and ive even held myself back from making gifs even though i tell myself “no one’s giffed it yet” and i want to gif it,, it’s bc my effort seems futile. it sounds sad but i feel like ““my time”” as a content creator here is up…you know? like trends. some people and things just arent it anymore, i guess. ive also really become tired of the internet dramas and inter-fandom dramas. drama is unavoidable online or not but i do find myself being stressed out by things that dont even directly involve me lol. and i’m still into seventeen/still love them btw, this isnt abt them

..maybe part of my change in perspective on this is due to being in college + doing commissions n stuff for spare cash here and there. so one downside to that (or upside depending on how you look at it) i dont really feel like doing loads of free work in exchange for no payment. its such a capricorn thing to say but i’ve found that i really like creating youtube videos, and since i can make a profit on those–bc my channel finally got approved for monetization :’’’)–maybe my brain likes the idea of that more lmao (………heres my channel btw)

its really nice to hear you like the things i make and thats its also recognizable. i try to make gifs “current” or whatever but also my own. i create because i have to. its bad for my mental health not to

my blog’s been mostly inactive for the last week and i did notice that i felt a lot better. this week was really good–in a lot of ways. i still want to make things. i unfollowed tags and stuff so i wont even check if somethings been giffed. i’ll just do it, i think. im hoping if i change things i can still be on here and enjoy it.

thank u for all the kind words, this is really encouraging + comforting. i hope this response was adequate..and i also hope you had a nice week. i still want to try because of people like u 💞ily 💞

[linguistich]

Langblr, help!

Hi okay so I don’t usually talk about my stuff on here & I really don’t know if anyone will even see this post, but I currently have a big life decision to make and you are the people I need to help me!

So I will try to keep this as short as possible. I have struggled my entire college career to commit to anything. I’ve changed colleges now twice and changed majors many more than that. I’ve stayed in the realm of people, culture, brains, and language and I know that that’s the stuff I care about, but finding a specific academic path to lead me into a career has been challenging. I’m currently taking things slow and transfered to a community college to boost my gpa and finish up some basic credits that I still need, which is okay for now, but I really need a game plan here soon.

My original idea with transferring to this school was to do a Neurodiagnostic Technology (NDT) program. It has the brain and the people that I like to study, has a secure job on the other side of it, and is only a two year program, so I wouldn’t have to worry about school for too long. Still, I need to get into it first. Before, I was double majoring in Anthropology and Communication Sciences and Disorders. I love anthropogy and I’m actually not too far from getting my B.A. but the DCOM wasn’t exactly taking me the direction I wanted. The classes were only tending to Speech Pathology purposes and that isn’t what I want to do. I took years of speech therapy when I was younger and I know that isn’t the path for me.

If I could do absolutely anything, I would want to study Anthropology and Linguistics (neurolinguistics, sociolinguistics, language acquisition, evolution of languages, etc. - all stuff my other school didn’t have), participate in research studies, go on to earn a PhD. The ultimate goal would be to work as a Professor at a university. I want to be someone who inspires students, who can give a young person a reason to keep going, who can make a difference in someone’s life. I want to be able to teach people, preferably not just about linguistics but about life.

A lot of you on here seem to be pursuing a similar path. My problem with it currently is my debilitating social anxiety. It is the reason I dropped out from two schools. It is the reason my gpa lowered. It has been the thing that has kept me from becoming involved in any extracurriculars. In order to do what I would love to do, I need to be able to show up. I need to be able to be involved. Being around people, having to talk, even just the anxiety of taking up space in a room has been something I’ve had to overcome. I’ve come a long way, especially this past year, but I still struggle sometimes and I’m terrified of regression. I’m terrified that in the middle of this linguistics journey I’m going to break down, not be able to complete it, and have no options. Nothing useful under my belt, no career paths, wasted investments.

So, I guess what I’m asking is: What is it like? What am I really up against? Has anyone gone through anything similar? If so, how do you deal with your mental health + university? I have this strong feeling that every venture I’ve taken with school hasn’t worked out because it hasn’t been what I was actually passionate about. I fear that this NDT program will be just like that and I’ll fail that too. Maybe I should just go for the thing I really care about even with all the obstacles? Would it be worth it? What if I get my B.A. but can’t go on from there, what kind of jobs would be available?

I know the narrative is usually “follow your dreams!! work hard and you can achieve anything!! if it’s your passion then it’s what you should be doing!!” but let’s be realistic here. Sometimes people just aren’t made for it. Some dreams are just dreams. Education is an expensive risk to take. I’ve already messed up a lot. I need some real advice from people who are in it and know it. So please, if anyone has any advice, pleeeease message me, reply, reblog, anything. I value your experiences and knowledge!!

[askjennie]

Part 1: Hi, im 21 and have written to you a few times for variations of the same kind of issue. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and for my whole life have only had crushes on guys I thought were out of my league, constantly chasing guys that clearly don’t like me or value me. I’d get the guy, always did, but for only a short amount of time, maybe a couple dates or 1 or 2 hangouts and that’s always been it. After every time it leaves me feeling worthless and then I beat myself up over feeling that

Continued: Part 2:I’m being dramatic. I know this all sounds silly but I do get anxiety over certain things and I’ve come to realize area of my life brings the most anxiety, and can really take over my mind, I really don’t handle rejection and I take it extremely personally. Last month I was told by a guy I was talking to that “the spark between us is gone” while we were hooking up, and he said we can just be friends, and let me walk out of his life and never contacted me again (though, I said not to)Part 3:after months of leading me on. It hurt so bad and since this is all I’ve ever known, I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me. It’s crazy to think I have social anxiety as I value the opinions of others (especially guys I think are too good for me or don’t like me) because im a pretty social person and have a lot of close friends. Before this guy, there was another guy who id chase and didn’t stop persuing him until I starting seeing the other. And before that one, I was hurtPart 4:over being ghosted by my biggest crush, for a year.. I let it bother me for one whole YEAR. A year of posting snapchats and wanting him to see it, wanting him to like my photos, wanting to bump into him, etc. this sounds so silly as I’m typing it and I know it is all so ridiciulous. After these rejections I sit and analyze every little thing I’ve said or could have done differently, even analyzing my body at different angles and little stuff like that. I used to think feeling this hurtPart 5:was part of life, as people come and go, , and I really thought these were some type of heartbreak but now I’m realizing its coming from a place of low confidence, cause its not like I “miss” these guys I was never really close with them.. its how they made me feel that hurts.. I don’t have any self love… I’m tired of feeling not good enough, that I don’t deserve or wont get what I want in life like getting married or being at peace. I don’t know if this is a phase and I know there arePart 6: good days. But im tired of attracting people who don’t care about me. Its crazy because I logically know all of these guys arent anything special to me, I know deep down I didn’t genuinely click with them, so why am I so crushed when they reject me? And im not lonely, I don’t need a boyfriend in my life, I have a lot of family and friends and other things going for me.. I just don’t think I can handle all this negative self talk and all these negative beliefs about relationships,Part 7:, it really affects my day to day. It seems as though everyone is able to find someone that wants them and I’m just either wanted for sex or the guy gets to know me and realizes I’m not worth dating. It makes me feel so low. I know im a good person and my close friends and family all come to me for advice and support. I know I have things to offer and it just really crushes me when someone cant see my worth, it makes me so anxious. Another issue is that these guys whose opinions I care abPart 8:Another issue is that these guys whose opinions I care about are always guys who I think are out of my league, are popular, good looking, cool and im just setting myself up to feel inferior. Im the first to reject a nice guy who isnt very attractive to me, and ive been told im extremely picky and been told I was superficial as well. I feel like a bad person. Why cant I look for a boyfriend in the same way I look for a friend? Someone who makes me feel good, someone I connect with, someonepart 9: someone I connect with, someone who values me? I have such amazing friends and family but horrible taste in men. I just want someone I both connect with AND who I think highly of? What would you do if you were me? A year ago I did therapy for 3 or 4 sessions and I don’t know if it was the therapist I didn’t click with, but I stopped bc I thought I was wasting money. Sometimes I think I need help, other times I think time will pass and ill get over the rejection. But I think the problempart 10:is deeper as I feel way too harshly affected by whats going on. 2018 has been horrible and each day is filled with HOURS of worrying. I feel like all I do is worry. Even before that rejection last month, while we were still talking, I just felt like shit the whole time and didn’t feel worthy, felt like I had to compete for his attention constantly, and I found it hard to be myself. Its funny because in the beginning when he was chasing me,I wasn’t sure if I liked him. It was when hepart 11: [not sure where I left off]…2018 has been horrible and each day is filled with HOURS of worrying. I feel like all I do is worry. Even before that rejection last month, while we were still talking, I just felt like shit the whole time and didn’t feel worthy, felt like I had to compete for his attention constantly, and I found it hard to be myself. Its funny because in the beginning when he was chasing me, I wasn’t sure if I liked him. It was when he started noticeably talking to andpart 12:and taking out other girls that I felt crushed and felt the need to prove myself. And this has happened all of high school and with every guy ive talked to. I feel like im not enoguh and I have to do soemthing for someone to like me, instead of just being myself. Will this get better? Will I ever be confident? I feel like my insecurities are so strong that im driving away a lot of guys, and I feel like as I get older im just getting more anxious about this whole idea because most peoplepart 13:because most people have been with someone before. I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous or stupid, and you can say if these fears are dramatic or irrational. Maybe its because I feel that I have most of what I need in life (family, friends, money, health) and this is just an unknown area and therefore brings me a lot of anxiety. Any advice would help, this felt good to write down so thanks for reading all of this.

Jennie: After answering this ask and this ask, I don’t think I have much more advice to give. Your fears ARE dramatic and irrational, but so are the fears of anyone who has some kind of anxiety disorder, and it’s not helpful or realistic to tell yourself or anyone else to just ‘stop being irrational’. If you’re worrying for hours every day, then I think it’s important that you seek professional help for your anxiety. Talk to your doctor, or contact mental health services, charities or therapists in your area.

I think you should give therapy another try. The therapist you had before might not have been a good fit for you, or maybe the type of therapy you were receiving wasn’t a good fit for you, or maybe you had unrealistic expectations of how therapy would help you (3-4 sessions should be enough to feel like it’s helpful, but 3-4 sessions is not going to completely solve your problems or ‘cure’ you - therapy can be a long and difficult process, and requires work on your part as well). It might take a few tries before you find a therapist who suits you, but I think it’s important to keep trying. This is your health, and your life, after all, and it’s important to learn to manage your anxiety so that you can keep living your life without constant worry.

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 1 (3.3.2020)

I guess this is the start of my blogging journey. I’ve been thinking of coming on here because not really anyone knows about my account, so this is kind of like my journal where I am able to write down my pure feelings and thoughts. This is the start. Its difficult for me to write about myself in the now because i usually refer to myself in the future tense, like, i would write as if im talking to myself in the future lol so hopefully im able to accomplish this. I’m not sure if these posts mark the date posted, but if not its 3/3/2020 11:11 PM and I currently have like a million assignments due but instead i decided to help my mental health a bit to do this lol. Im here, with my stripes cup of coke lime (It’s really good trust me) and your 50% bag of caramel m&ms that tasted like ass and a bag of hot puffs and a ringpop.

Where am I know in my life?

Well, it’s kind of hard to answer when I have an overloaded head full of thoughts of everything in the world. Physically, im in my dorm in my chair with my legs, vibing lol. I guess I might as well document on everything. I’m not so happy with my weight or body, in fact i don think ive ever been ashamed of it until recently. I hate seeing the extra fat, my weight over 120. Last time I checked I weighed 142.2 lbs and that was on 2/20. I hate being fat, i hate having fat. I wanna be skinny, i wanna have an ass, i wish my boobs werent so big that way they wont sag. Moving on, I have my group of friends: I, S, E, and myself. It was amazing and all, but E kind of distanced herself for some reason and although still part of the group, it kind of just narrowed down to S and I and myself. Eventually instead of using their names for privacy, ill fill in their names with something, most likely Egg for E, Seatbelt for S, and Ice for I LMAO. But anyways, Yeah, we recently came back from a roadtrip to SA and i feel like ever since then its kind of been alright. But i mean who knows, we all have our own lives and maybe somethings going on but i mean were fine as of now. I love them. I love hanging out with them, I love feeling like im able to breathe for once.

Now my relationship. It’s gotten so much better compared to what it was before. Counseling, patience, and time have all played a part into the process to getting us to where we are now. M, lets call him Mr. Compared to the mess and hatred it was before, its so much better. The love, the affection, the care, its all there. Everythings getting better. But theres still times where I feel scared, of us, the future, the past. Theres times where I feel like maybe i got too excited in my head and maybe I overlooked everything and maybe i’m just happy with the thought of whats happening. But, i mean, in the now, in the present, im happy, were happy, were okay. but im still scared because i guess a piece of me still thinks youre “you”. The you that hates me, the you that wants more, the you that hides stuff. A piece of me still thinks about possibility that you still might have photos of girls on your phone, or maybe its still an on going thing. Or maybe you ask girls yourself and delete everything, you wont leave a trace. Maybe youre talking to someone, and maybe youre deleteing messages. Maybe you have your groupchats with your guy friends where you do your stuff. i dont know. Because thats what you used to do. But how do I know its not happening anymore? You never gave me proof that you deleted everything, you never gave me the chance. I just took your word for it because thats what a “good girlfriend” does, a good girlfriend who is supposed to trust you; who is learning to trust you. But I mean, i dont know. I was played by you before, and I never had the chance to look at your phone. How is this any different? Because youre giving me your word? We’ve been there before and look how its turned out. I dont know. Im sorry. I hate being like this, I wish I was different, i wish i was normal. but i am. It was you who turned me like this, who made me overthink, who made me crazy. You were the one that ruined me inside out and left me with the remains to pick up and mend myself. I love you so much but you killed me. And i know i did the same to you, probably worse in some scale, and you did to me in another. But thats our past, and this is our now. I hope this is just a phase Ill get out of because Im tired of being scared. I want to live happily, not having to be worried about anything. Im scared of counsling ending, because what if it goes back to what it was, or what if it gets worse out of nowhere? Sorry, I know i should have more faith in us but im terrified of the thought of having us turn back into the mess we were. And i wish i could tell you this straight up, but im scared because a big piece of me just knows youll walk away because im bringing up the past again, or youll just nod and listen, but you wont have anything to say back to me. We’ll just both accept it and move on with our lives, and i’ll still have these thoughts in my head, building to boil. I love you. I dont think you’ll hurt me again. Im tired of my mind, im tired of myself making me think like this, making me think of you in that way. Im sorry. I just do. Im scared I wont be able to move on from the past, like maybe ill be stuck in it forever. I dont want that for my life, for myself, for us, for our future. i want the best for us, always. I love you so much. Sometimes I think i love you too much. and I hate thinking of it that way, but the way you treat me makes me feel like that. Im sorry. I hate putting blame on others, but i feel like you dont know me. I feel like im too much, like im too weird, too odd for you. Like my wants and needs arent like everyone elses, and maybe thats something you dont like. Thats what i feel. I feel like you dont appreciate me as much, or you dont respect me as much at all. I feel a little bit of respect, at times a good amount. But i know its hard, and i know we’re building up to it. Its okay. Were going to be okay. I just hope you love me as much as I love you, and I hope our willpower is equal. Dont worry. We’re okay. I’m okay.

Ended this at 3/3/2020 11:46 PM

-jen

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.

[trendingnewsb]

Porns Sarah Palin Opens Up About Her Triumphant Return

She is one of the most popular porn stars in the worlda woman even more famous than many of the superstar athletes she dates.

Lisa Ann said goodbye to the adult entertainment industry several years ago, launching a successful career as the host of a fantasy sports program on SiriusXM. Even after she left, Ann continued to be one of the most-searched porn stars in the world.

Though most famous for her portrayal of former politician Sarah Palin in six XXX films, including the infamous Whos Nailin Paylin?, Ann is also well known for the company she keepsnamely, hot young athletes. Known for her tight lips, Ann rarely discusses her athlete hookups, but estimates to have had hundreds of professional athletes throughout her illustrious career. She prefers sleeping with NBA players, and isnt shy about dropping hintsor putting athletes on blast when they wont stop begging, like Canucks defenseman Michael Del Zotto.

And now, at 45, shes making her triumphant return to porn.

Most adult stars who succeed outside of the business dont come back, which makes Lisa Anns return to porn all the more intriguing. Reentering an industry known to prey on the young at middle age requires a confidence most 20-somethings lack. But Ann isnt just returning to pornshe wants to change it. By pushing back against the patriarchy and redefining what it means to be in the adult community, Anns determined to help other performers find success.

When I call Lisa Ann, its late afternoon. The phone rings and I leave a voicemail. Ten minutes later she calls back, explaining how the cable guy had been running late and just left. Unfortunately, the installation didnt go as planned and Ann would have to wait to be properly serviced. It sounded just like a classic porn scenario.

When I considered coming back to porn I realized that being committed to something I love without counting the dollar has made me a better person.

Lisa Ann

Hey, at least he wasnt creepy. Thats my biggest fear, is that someones going to be in my house and creepy, says Ann. I had an air conditioner installer take pictures of the inside of my house and then post them on social media. I was mortified. I stayed in my office while he did his job, I thought I was being trusting, and here he was taking pictures of my pictures with other people.

If the A/C installer had kept the pics to himself, Ann may have never known, but he blasted them on social media and linked her in his mentions. He wrote, I was just at the real Lisa Anns house, look. And there was a selfie of the guy next to my car and I was like, Oh my god, he was in my underground parking with my car!

Not that Anns complaining too much these days. If anything, shes surprisingly appreciative for someone whos achieved the kind of crossover success she has. We have so much freedom [in the adult industry]we choose when we work, we choose this unique lifestyle, and we are getting compensated more than other people working a lot harder than us. Theres a lot to be excited about.

And to the bitter, jaded performers in the industry, Ann offers the following advice: Get a regular job for ninety days, stick to the schedule youre given, only taking a lunch break when its scheduled. Then see how you feel about porn after ninety days at a regular job.

Though Ann now has a regular job as well, she doesnt think of it so much as work due to her passion for sports radio. Im an employee and I have a boss but I love what I do, she says. I want sports twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Im never late and Ive never canceled a show. I love being responsible and Im so grateful for it because I never knew Id have a gig like this.

Returning to porn was as much a practical, financial decision for Ann as it was an opportunity to give back. Shes made it very clear that getting back into the adult entertainment industry will not impact her career in sports radio. People dont do sports radio for the money. Its something you do because you love it. When I considered coming back to porn I realized that being committed to something I love without counting the dollar has made me a better person. I am going to be continuing on with my two shows on Sirius, and that way I dont get lost in the sauce, in the gossip, and the drama of the business.

Ann did not initially plan to return to the industry, but began toying with the idea after being approached by several adult companies. One big company came to me and offered a decent amount of money to do some scenes. Im smarter now and thought, if someone is offering me this much money then obviously I must be worth more. These are the people that know the numbers. I read a book about making deals, and the first offer is normally a quarter of your worth, so you go up maybe 75 to 100 percent, then its negotiated back down and you meet in the middle around 50 percent. I was inspired by the idea but sat on it for 10 months. I wanted to be sure about wanting to come back.

Even after mulling it over for almost a year, Ann approached her comeback cautiously. Not knowing how shed feel about doing porn again, she wanted to test it out before going public. And she did. That alone is a powerful accomplishment. Then again, Ann has proven herself to be an expert secret-keeper. When I shot my first scene in December I told no one. I made everyone keep it off social media, and hired people who I knew could keep a secret. I honestly wanted to shoot it and hold on to it to see if I felt differently about myself afterwards.

Shes an experienced porn star who isnt sure how shell feel after doing a scene. While this may sound odd to some, when she explains how society essentially congratulated her for getting out of porn it begins to make sense. People have spoken to me almost like I was a better person because I wasnt in the adult business anymore, she says. They say things I know are meant to be a compliment but its an insult because what theyre saying is that they thought less of me at one time. I never felt better or different out of the business, but those conversations made me ask myself, how will I feel when I wake up after doing another scene?

A true entrepreneur, Ann sees value in todays porn market. Shes certain there is more money for performers to make in the adult business than ever before, which runs contrary to the popular belief that porns going broke. Im the first person to understand the reality of it. Sure, you cant just go to set, shoot scenes, and go home and expect to make the same amount of money you used to. The hustle is different, she explains. Now there are all these different avenues to make money. The moneys there and its tenfold, you just have to be on your game, you have to use your downtime wisely, get paid to text, get paid to post and do these things every day.

According to Ann, the money is there for producers and directors toospecially with how easy (and cheap) content is to produce these days. Its a no-brainer. Its so much easier to produce content now, you spend one day on set, come home upload your content, upload your model releases and in one day you have a fully-produced scene. Especially when you know what you need.

Taking a new approach, Ann wants to educate the new generation of performers, offering counsel and guidance for their careersincluding what lies beyond should they one day wish to shed their stage name. The saddest thing about this business is that all the success stories leave, she says. Anyone who gets their head up and feels great decides they no longer belong here, so its important that as a woman I bring that success back. I have an open-phone policy for anybody [in the industry]. Im teaching some of the other women how to use software so they can take one day a week away from social media. I think we should all detach one day a week for mental health.

Ann also wants to help fellow performers recognizeand capitalize ontheir true market value, which is something she believes agents are not incentivized to do. I want to help these women up their game at marketing, I want to empower them with knowledge and get them to understand they are a capital-building machine right now, says Ann. They can produce their own stuff at home on their cell phones and make money all day long. Agents want to to force them to go to set because agents only make money when the girls go to set. These women need to know they arent just a product; rather, they are young entrepreneurs, and they are now living in the Silicon Valley-era of porn.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/porns-sarah-palin-opens-up-about-her-triumphant-return

from Viral News HQ https://ift.tt/2KsE39g via Viral News HQ

[hegglespeggles]

That Mental Illness Thing.

A really good friend of mine just told me she’s struggling with depression, and so i gave her my advice. I figured it might be helpful for other people too so Imma post is here, please feel free to add anything else to it as well! heres my two cents: I'm so incredibly sorry that you feel so shitty, and I understand some of how terrible you feel right now. I want you to know that this doesn't lessen you as a person, and that this will not last forever. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and I have lived a happy(ish ;)) healthy fufilling life despite that. And who knows, maybe its clinical, maybe its situational. I don't know. thats why I'm going to refer you to a bunch of different resources. 1. the family navigation project at sunnybrook works with the families of mentally ill children to help get them  the support they need. they are like 85% of the reason I got the help i needed, and theyre super nice and will help you and theyre super knowledgeable, and will check up on you and communicate with you. I was scared and smol and super alone in the whole thing and they made me feel like i wasn't fighting on my own. 100% reccomend. 2. the Delisle youth services are an organization that offer therapy and safe spaces to youth and theyre super fantastic too. Those safe spaces are also very pro LGBTQIA+ ( all of the places im reccomending are, but by far delisle are the most proactive about it) so if you feel like you need a place to ask questions about your sexuality and advice and whatnot, theyre great mate. 3. When i got my diagnosis, I had to go in circles and bounce from organization to organization a lot, so Im gonna cut to the chase here: if your looking for a diagnosis, go to your doctor and have them refer you for an appointment at the youthdale treatment centre. thats where they have child psychs that will assess you and help you figure out what you need. which leads me to: LITTLE FUN FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOWWWWW 1. you are 14< which means that you have complete control over your own medical records. if you want, you can do what i did and your parents never have to find out. you tell the doctor "i dont want my parents to know" and BY LAW they cant say jack shit. Personally, i think that if you are comfortable with it, then it makes the whole this 80000% easier on you mentally to have a parent with you, but far from me to say that it will always be the best option bc i know that things only were worse for me when my parents found out (here i should add the caveat that my parents were abusive pieces of shit and from what you told me your parents are great but idk. you know yourself and your situation best.) 2. Diagnoses are your best friend. theres a few different reasons why imo your first step is a diagnosis: a) it first of all gives you the piece of mind to know that you arent just being lazy, or self pitying, but that you have a legitimate illness that you must treat which makes it leaps and bounds easier to treat because you dont hate yourself (as much) b) the school and other institutions will help you out if you can provide that documentation. Ontario charter of rights and freedoms outlines that you are entitled to certain allowances as you have a legitimate disability. Once you have a diagnosis, you can sit down with a guidance counsellor and get some things set out to help you at school. this means for me that i am allowed to listen to music in class, i get extra time on assignments with no reprecussions, and if i need to walk out of class (panic attacks yay!) then i can. by far this has made my life sosososo much better and easier and made me so much happier. its so comforting to know if youre having a bad episode and cant move from bed than at least your not "destroying your life." also, universities are forced to recognize it too, and that leads to my last point c) as calculating as it sounds, scholarships yo. you heard me. get that mad dough. 

3. maybe the first therapist you see wont work for you. maybe you have to shop around. thats okay and normal and 100% fine. the most important part is that you find someone you can work with 4. Kids help phone has an online chat if you ever need to scream about something but dont wanna feel like youre burdening anyone. MY SUPER SUBJECTIVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 1. sometimes you just gotta turn your brain off and run on autopilot. sometimes you dont go to rehearsal bc you love it, sometimes you just gotta go because its thursday night and thats what happens thursday nights. 2. Schedule your life. I find that when im depressed, sitting in bed watching star trek for 16 hours feels like a really solid plan. so have a solid-er plan in place so that when you feel like that you can say that "nope i cant find out if starfleet is actually being controlled by changelings because i have to create an outline of my comparitive essay for english by 4 o clock" and so by doing that you become your own mom. i like bullet journalling for this. google it, its fun and productive.   3. Talk to people. I know how hard that can be and im really proud of you for reaching out the way you have. that takes guts, and so im putting this here as a intellectual thing to keep track of and not because i actually think youre stuggling with this part b. messaging people isnt the same as talking to them. so try to get that face-time in. go see a movie. grab some fro-yo. go to the park. see people face to face and that will make everything less shitty. SO FINAL SUM UP. this is a super shitty way to be feeling, and i know its kinda scary, but it doesnt have to suck peripherally, only in the most immediate way, in that your illness is pretty much described as "everything sucks for me always." If you ever need anything i am always right here, and there are resources available at the tips of your fingers. I have a studyblr as well and a lot of it is how to manage mental health when youre in school (and star trek memes. shut up you have your guilty pleasures too) so if you need help getting to work this is also helpful too.