#mean reader

[machveil]

your friends thinking your boyfriend, König, is actually your pet. you haven’t introduced him to them yet, just offhand comments about, “Oh— it’s getting a little late, I should go home. König probably misses me.”, or, “Oh, König would love this! [pet bowl for his cat]”. they hear you talk about how you have to be back home early, “He gets stressed out if I’m gone too long.”. maybe he’s a big dog breed? a poor thing with separation anxiety. “König fell asleep on my lap last night and I couldn’t get up for, like, two hours.”, your friends nodding along, they know the rules - you don’t get up if your pet falls asleep on you. “He got into my snacks last night. I couldn’t really be mad, his eyes got all wet and sad.”, awe, your pet has killer puppy dog eyes. with a little training your pet shouldn’t get into your food

color them shocked when they ask to see a photo and it’s a behemoth of a man, “Isn’t he cute? We’re going on a walk later.”

[scap34]

Thinking about Yandere!Mafia boss

warning: sex, degradation, feminization, slight exhibitionism

Yandere!Mafia boss who fell in love with you at first sight. He can’t even remember the day, only the sight of you. From that instant, his once-meaningless existence found its purpose: you. Nothing else mattered. Your presence became his singular focus, an addiction. It didn’t matter if you didn’t see it like that. You’d come to understand that you two were meant to be.

Yandere!Mafia boss who stalks you to your work and college. Who gets pissed when anyone talks to you. Your friends, colleagues, professors and even cashiers. You’re his, so why were you even looking at others?

Yandere!Mafia boss who breaks into your apartment just to steal your clothes. Taking pictures of all the things you like so he could fill your new room in his house with things you liked.

Yandere!Mafia boss who kidnapped you claiming to give you a better life. Sick of watching you work and struggle, he took you back to his place. It didn’t matter if he had to drug you. It was for your own good.

Yandere!Mafia boss who insists that you have to obey him and never leave him, even when he is on his knees massaging your legs willingly after you made a comment about how they were numb.

Yandere!Mafia boss who acts tough and aggressive only to wither under your frown like a disobedient puppy. Practically begging for your forgiveness as he hesitantly tried to please you by offering money, and insisting he you give you anything you wanted as long as you weren’t mad at him.

Yandere!Mafia boss who bursts into your room at night, demanding that you pay him back for his generosity using your body, only to stiffen and cower as you agree.

Yandere!Mafia boss who is clueless about sex, awkwardly stripping, showing off his well defined chest and heavy pecs. Sitting on the edge of the bed, like a trembling virgin.

Yandere!Mafia boss who you have to coax to come close and for all his arrogance and bravado cums the minute you touch his cock. Face flushing red as he pressed his thighs together, trying to hide the stickiness.

Yandere!Mafia boss who can’t help but whine when you kiss him throughly, breath hitching when you play with his chest. Nodding obediently when you tell him you’re going to fuck him instead.

Yandere!Mafia boss who whines prettily turning his face away when you call him pretty, and coo about how big his tits are. It shouldn’t turn him on, but he can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy at your words.

Yandere!Mafia boss who eagerly spreads his ass cheeks so you can fuck his cute pussy. Showing off his twitching pink hole he already prepped, trembling as he tried to see if you were pleased. Crying out when your cock entered him, and cumming immediately form the fullness.

Yandere!Mafia boss who lets you manhandle him into different positions, as you fuck him into incoherency. Drawn out whines of your name and sobbing leaving his kiss swollen red lips when you fuck his tight hole.

Yandere!Mafia boss who cry when you degrade him, calling him a slut for breaking into your room and smelling your clothes. And calling him a pathetic whore for begging for a cock in his pussy. He begs and sobs for forgiveness as you ask who else fucked his tight pussy. Sobbing that’s he’s only a slut for you as he clings to your body pressing his tits against you trying to distract you.

Yandere!Mafia boss who love how sweet you are during aftercare, clinging to you like a desperate puppy, begging you to fuck his wet pussy again.

Yandere!Mafia boss who’d let you fuck him anywhere. Too desperate for your approval to deny you, even as you fuck him during a video call meeting. Let you paint his face with cum, eagerly licking it off to taste you. Sitting on your cock during meetings, only to stay after every one has left so you could fuck his swollen pussy.

Yandere!Mafia boss who claim your nothing but a toy only to run to you and kneel and beg for your attention and approval. Letting you punish him however you wanted, loving it when you call princess and your pretty girl.

Yandere!Mafia boss who’s so in love with you they’d do anything for you. Acting more like a content pet than a dominant leader. Looking at you with hearts in his eyes. All hazy and adoring, making you feel high off his love. He only got more addicted to you when you acted mean, showing what kind of cruel person lay under your nice facade.

GOJO, TOJI, SUKUNA, WRIOTHESLEY, GHOST, ZORO, BEELZEBUB, MAMMON, JIYAN, CALCHIRO, KÖNIG, and anyone else you like <3

[yanderefarm]

could I perhaps be goofy silly and request skott bullying.........

skott x mean supervisor!male reader

hehehehehehehehehe

ok but the funny part is after you sent this i thought of something and i was like... no thats too far. censoring myself after what id already said.

a lot of the meaner bullying comes at the end. also. whore skott is real he told me

cw; violence, electrocution, nsft, bully reader, power dynamics (you're his supervisor), dub con because of said power dynamics? i guess

your pathetic, stupid, horrible subordinate had just come crawling back to you from aurum alley. again. it was one thing to screw the ipc on the deal to begin with, it was humiliating to have the video of someone under your command barking like a dog spread across the entire star system, it was degrading when your bosses chewed you out for his poor treatment of the xianzhou natives. to do it all again? for no reason? skott should have died to the amateur swordsman. that would have been better.

you watched the video of the man squealing like a pig, your face twisted into a scowl at the disgusting sight. fucking skott. you looked from your screen, the sound of his squealing still playing as you eyed up the man in front of you. skott had his head held low, clearly aware of how much trouble he was in. you tapped your boot against the ground impatiently as his squealing seemed to only get louder. your teeth clenched together as you suppressed all the cruel words that you wanted so badly to spit at him. finally after what felt like an eternity of the squealing, the angry silence, the clenching of teeth, you took a deep breath and calmed yourself down.

"there are a lot of things that I could say to you. there are so many words i could call you. i could fire you right now." you paused the video as you spoke calmly.

"p-please i-" skott started in his way that made you want to grind your teeth again.

"stop. i won't fire you. in fact i think you've earned yourself a little promotion." you gave a small smile as you opened your desk drawer.

"oh- oh! w-well thank you so much sir i-" he was cut off again when you put a heavy collar on your desk in front of him.

"you should be grateful skott, all this time you've been a stupid stray dog running around freely. you need an owner, in fact i think you've been begging for it." you gestured for him to come closer. skott's eyes went to the collar and then you and he swallowed hard.

"this is unprofessional i-i could report you to-"

"oh please. don't act like you don't want this. i see how you eye up my desk, how you examine the width of my office. i know how hungry you are to climb the ranks." you rapt your fingers against your desk, each soft thud against the desk like another rock against a glass door. "you would sell out your girlfriend and now you're not going to play dog with me? just think, skott. you could be a good doggy for a few months and gather all this evidence of my HR violation. maybe they'd reward you with my position. with my office."

each word is like music to the power hungry idiots ears. if he had any brain he might stop and think for a second about why you're so willing to put your job on the line just to get your rocks off. of course dogs aren't smart enough to think. just like you expected skott moved to your side of the desk. before you could even open your mouth to tell him to he got on his knees in front of you. he wanted this so bad, its evident behind his golden eyes. his desire. his need. you reached down and pulled away his stupid glasses exposing his soul to your cruel gaze.

"good boy." you coo at him as you grabbed the collar.

skott didn't reply but his cheeks were red and his eyes closed in anticipation. you wasted no time clasping the black collar around his neck. a soft gasp leaving his lips as it adjusted itself to fit him perfectly, you hummed in approval. one of your hands moved from his neck to his hair and you ran it through the surprisingly soft locks. you sat there petting him for a minute, his head naturally moving to rest on your lap. you could already see the wheels in his head turning around how to bring your downfall. he's kind of cute when he's not talking. maybe instead of just ruining his life you really could train him to be a good obedient doggy.

the best start would be to break his already weak spirit. your fingers stopped in his hair and you pulled on it hard causing his eyes to shoot open as a yelp left his lips. you clicked your tongue at him before shushing him.

"don't be noisy doggy." you cooed as you guided his head from your lap to between your legs. one of your legs rested on his shoulder, the heel of your boot digging into his back.

the expression of embarrassment and disbelief that painted his face was so cute you found it hard not to laugh. he had opened his mouth to try to say something but clearly the words were lost on him as he stumbled over various exasperated sounds. yeah he's cute until he opens his stupid mouth. you pushed his head down onto your bulge, his hung open lips finding place around the outline of your shaft. a whimper left his throat but he didn't complain again, in fact you didn't even need to tell him what to do. his mouth so naturally began to move along your bulge, tongue pressing against your uniform all too eagerly. you couldn't help but wonder how many times had he done this? how often did pretty little skott drop to his knees for a promotion?

"you're such a fuckin slut." you groaned at him, your tight grip on his hair pushing his head down until you could feel his nose press against your belt. "who did you fuck to get here skotty? i might get jealous if i find out you're someone else's dog too."

skott tried to answer but you didn't let him up. instead your free hand began to undo your belt as you made him drag his tongue along your massive length. when his lips met your tip resting against your thigh he sucked greedily on it. it was hard to tell if the spot that formed was your precum or his drool. you moaned as you pulled your belt free and discarded it on the floor.

"slut."

skott didn't even look embarrassed anymore, more dazed and hungry if anything. you let his head go expecting to hear him complain about how inappropriate this was, or maybe defend himself from being called a slut. he didn't. he sat there patiently waiting for you to pull your cock out. fuck it was hot. you undid your pants and pulled down your underwear enough for your cock to spring free. you slapped the tip against his cheek and all too eagerly skott attempted to take it in his mouth. you gripped his hair again and held him still.

"beg, doggy." you ordered before the desperate whore got the taste of your cock.

"i-i.. uh.. pl-" you cut off his pathetic yammering with a harsh tug to his hair.

"doggies don't talk." you reminded him. it was funny the way his dazed, cock hungry eyes refocused into shock and confusion.

he started whimpering. he started whimpering way too easily and way too dog like. he really was some kind of kinky pervert who got off on being treated like a dog wasn't he? did he keep picking fights so that he would be publicly humiliated? what a pervert. his tongue hung from his mouth in between his all too accurate whimpering. you decided to humor him, waiting for his tongue to hang out again before you pressed your tip against it. the moment your cock touched his tongue he took it in his mouth so eagerly, his warm wet mouth closing tight around you as his tongue circled your tip. he knew how to give head. not just knew about it, he was good at giving head.

"jesus you really are such a fu-fuckin whore" you thought you could keep your composure but he was too good at this.

he took your cock back to his throat and he gagged on it a little bit before he relaxed and took your whole length down his throat, his nose pressed against your skin. then he pulled his head back and sucked and licked at your tip again. as he began the process of bobbing his head up and down he let his teeth ever so lightly brush against your skin. it was like a pornstar. he even sounded like a pornstar, the wet sound of your cock pounding into his face, the moaning that accompanied it, and the delightful sound of him always gagging a little bit. he pulled his head up, coming up for air as his hand wrapped around your cock and continued stroking your length as his swollen lips kissed the tip like he was trying to make out with it.

"fu- fuck skott you love cock that much..? you want me to cum all over your face?" you couldn't believe how quickly he had gotten you to the edge. your tip was swollen and red and dripping as skott eagerly licked up every drop.

skott didn't talk, instead he opened his mouth and pressed your tip against it while letting out a cute doggy whimper.

"inside, pretty boy?" you were met with a nod.

you reached down and began stroking your cock against his tongue as he eagerly held it open. he was even panting like a dog. you grunted as your cum finally sprayed across his tongue and into his mouth. you were gonna tell him to swallow after you caught your breath but he didn't need to be told. you watched skott's adams apple bob as he swallowed hard before opening his mouth again to show you it was empty.

"where... where the fuck did you learn that?" you could feel your cock twitch at just the sight of him, how messy and undone his face looked.

"i don't have to tell you about my personal life." oh god there was his smug attitude again. you let go of his hair and grabbed his face instead.

"you want to try that again, mutt?" you asked, regaining your composure.

"this was fun, i won't lie. i can assume "being your dog" will be similar things along with running errands and getting coffee. i'll begin saving samples of your dna starting next time." he was so fucking smug as he straightened his clothes and began looking for his glasses. "please try not to trash my office while you're still here."

you watched him put his stupid glasses back on and get up. you were stunned to say the least, surprised by his nonchalance and annoyed in equal measure. you were about to say something as he headed towards the door when he stopped in the middle of the room and turned back to you.

"oh i almost forgot you can t-" he had reached to remove the collar around his neck when it sent an electric current through his body causing him to scream and collapse on the ground.

you started laughing, his scream brought you to your senses from his stupid haughty attitude. you fixed yourself and buckled your pants, leaving your belt off. instead you grabbed the thick leather material and folded it in half. you got up and walked over to where skott lay twitching on the floor, tears in his eyes. you laughed again as you nudged him with your boot.

"oh you almost had me, doggy. i thought you were actually smart for a minute." you brought your boot heel down on his leg, grinding into him and bringing another scream from his throat. you smacked your belt against your free hand a sadistic smile on your face.

"im gonna teach you what happens to bad dogs"

[h2pinky]

i just read someone on twitter saying that sevika met silco because she thought he was a lesbian and tried to flirt with him at the last drop years ago i think im gonna piss myself

[baepsays]

Gojo Satoru sees you for the first time at a mutual friend's party—and immediately his eyes get stuck on you. the entire time he's watching you drink leisurely at the end of the couch, and roll your eyes at the dude bros attempting to flirt with you, while you ignored them.

after 40 mins of staring, he comes up to you and shoves the guy —pathetically trying to get you to sleep with him— off the armrest of the couch you're sitting on. Satoru just ignores the guy shouting at him and and throwing a fit on the floor. he takes a seat on the armrest instead and looks you dead in the eyes, and goes;

"you look like someone who thinks men ain't shit and would probably make a face that alone would make me cry."

you raise one of your eyebrows at him just a bit amused. confused whether he was trying to pick a fight or what else was he trying at. he goes on and continues what he was saying;

"so please fuck me."

.

.

a/n: divider by @/enchanthings-a. to access more of my works-click here.

[seraphicsentences]

hlllo can you pleas do football!ellie ina rush and really needing her sport shirt that reader is wearing, but since reader is so unbothered to change she takes it off right there n it gets ellie thinking if she should even go!!!!!! maybe a little smutty smut ‼️‼️inluv with yur writinggg

hi baby yes i can thank you for the request sweet girl. sorry this took a little while i appreciate your patience. also yes i know i said i was going on a break yesterday and then proceeded to bang out this entire thing, my bipolar ass got bored. enjoy! <3

“BABE?”

“BAAAABE?” ellie calls louder as you hear her stumbling through your shared apartment, clearly in a rush.

“babe, have you seen my-oh there it is,” she swings into the room abruptly, stopping in her tracks when she sees her much needed football jersey, adorned by yours truly.

“hey els, what’s up?” you ask, propping yourself up on the bed, and shooting her a look so sickly sweet, savage starlight comic in hand.

ellie’s existence can be found in all aspects of you at the moment, from the clothes you’ve “borrowed” and your choice of fine literature, to the purpled bruises littering your jaw and collarbone.

ellie can’t help but let her buzzing pre-game thoughts slow at the sight of you, and fester around thinking mine, mine, mine.

“hey pretty girl, i just really need my jersey for practice. do you mind changing, pretty please? i’m late,” she says softly, leaning over the mattress to press a warm kiss against your forehead.

“aw, fine, i’ll just wear nothing then,” you joke, reaching over your head to pull off the top in one swift move, revealing your bare chest with marks to match your neck.

you watch knowingly as ellie quite literally shutters: caught up in the sight of what’s literally a physical manifestation of the guilty pleasure that is her possessiveness.

—and you revel in the power trip that this is. because how is it that mere nakedness, something that’s more you than anything else you could put on your skin, is enough to make ellie fucking williams crumble.

and so all you do is smirk when, without sparing even a glance away, ellie tosses the held-out jersey lazily over one shoulder and leans in to indulge herself with another kiss; this time a proper, messy one on your parted lips.

“on second thought,” she says, in between breaths, before diving down to swirl her tongue around your hardened nipples, greedily sucking and licking at them like your own fucking baby.

you’re nothing but powerless to her hypnotic ministrations, as much of a fool for her as she is for you, letting low moans out freely from the back of your throat.

moving back up to kiss you like she wants to consume your sounds, the aggressiveness of ellie’s actions leave you nowhere to go but fall backwards onto the bed, chest pressing up to brush your pointed nipples lush against ellie’s chest.

“fuck, baby,” she rasps into your mouth, slipping her hand between the two of you to knead at your breast, calloused fingers thumbing over your nipples. she watches in awe as you shudder at the sensation, hooded eyes begging for more.

“fuckin’ tease,” she mumbles with a smile, mouthing over her previously left bruises with a hot, flat-tongued lick. feeling the vibrations on your throat as you laugh at her, she gently nips at your skin, letting out a laugh of her own as she feigns annoyance.

“shut up,” she chuckles, suffocating your laughs with the press of her mouth, continuing to make out with you in the delicious way that it is to make out with her.

ellie pries a knee between your squeezed thighs, nudging it upwards in such kind offerance to your burning heat— to which you take, hips immediately grinding up in desperation.

but just as quickly as it was given to you is it taken away.

ellie sits up with a jolt, mussing with your hair as she replaces her shirt with the jersey hurriedly. she stumbles towards the door with a guilty look in her eyes, pausing only to ramble, “coach is gonna kill me, sorry babe. that’s what you get for being such a tease! i’ll make it up to you, you fuckin’ minx. i love you!" before sprinting out the door, shoelaces undone.

you lay there, frozen and topless with your panties soaked, and you curse ellie out, that little bitch.

[submenarehotties]

“ teasing gone wrong! „

submissive! satoru gojo x dominant! male! reader.

(does not follow the plot of the jjk manga or the anime)

cw's + tw's: nsfw, explicit language, anal (gojo receives), degradation kink, rough handling, reader has a dick.

summary: gojo teases you and it only takes so much for you to snap.

note: this is a thirst. lowercase intended.

word count: 0.3K+

“nghhh—but i-i’m not p-pathetic!” gojo satoru cried as he rode faster on your dick.

“if you’re taking my dick, you sure are, slut.” you state, smacking gojo’s already red ass.

tears welled up in gojo satoru’s very blue eyes as he left red marks down your chest. his sobs and pleas filled the room and were just absolute music to your ears.

“yet you fuck yourself on it and claim it to be yours.” you continue, watching his body shudder and shake as he keeps trying to take you in.

“it is mine. no one else can have you ~ aghh!” gojo is in shambles as you grab his hips and push him down on your dick as far as possible.

“you know better than to tease me.” you say, roughly taking his chin in your hand.

you’re sure you can see hearts in gojo’s eyes. his mouth is slightly open as if wanting a kiss. you run a finger over gojo’s bottom lip, and it quivers.

“kiss…?” gojo whines, its the least he could have if he couldn’t keep riding you.

“i’ve really fucked you up, huh.” you murmur under your breath.

he’d been stubborn at the start - now gojo’s brain turned to mush for you.

you kiss gojo roughly, and his hands started to wonder on your body. you pull away after a moment, your lips still slightly touching his, you could feel his cold breath fanning against your lips, and he whimpers, still wanting to kiss you.

gojo leaned closer and nipped at your bottom lip, tugging it and letting it go.

it only took a few seconds for you to snap - flipping gojo over on his back. he lets out a surprised breath.

“teasing me? again? thats 2 strikes. you wanna tease me? its my fucking turn.” you gritted out, locking gojo’s hands tightly above his head with just one of your hands.

all you knew was that gojo was in for long night that involved lots and lots of edging.

a/n: been a while guys… gained A LOT of followers. why do you guys like me after i left you for over 3 months 🙁? also tumblr decided to flag my blog so i felt even more unmotivated to write. like - who wants to write after they come back to be flagged? def not me. anyways, i’ll try to write more and be more active trust 🤞.

click here for my masterlist(s).

© 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 2023. All Rights Reserved.

[scap34]

Thinking about Yandere!College Professor

warning: sex, degradation, feminization, mild choking, insults, objectification and cussing

College professor who walked into the class and the room shut up. He didn’t even greet the class, curtly saying his name before heading straight into lecture. He didn’t even notice you till you muttered an insult under your breath. He didn’t even feel anything like fireworks, just annoyance.

College Professor who is a micromanaging asshole. Who’s never been anything but dominant in his life. From his work like to the bed, he’s never faced any rejection or setback. So when you sneered at his face, and opposed him, he was interested.

College Professor who noticed you more and more. From your toned body to the lack of texts coming to your phone. He paid special attention to the glares you gave him when there was more work than usual or a suprise quiz. The way you bite back insults when he approaches you.

College Professor who had come in his pants, after you insulted him. ‘Fucking asshole.’ You’d muttered, leaving his class. He’d convinced himself he only liked you because he thought he could break you. Not because he’s never felt this fucking alive. Panting as he wiped the stickiness off in the university bathroom, your glare and angry expression saved in his mind for later.

College Professor who gave you more work than the rest of the class on purpose. Relishing every sneer or glare you gave to him. Who used his hacking skills to find out your schedule and gathered information about you and your friends. College Professor who stalks you on every social media platform under a pseudonym. Who reads every post you post insult him and his class. Holding his phone in his left hand, rubbing his clothed dick. He’s not into you insulting him, he tried to convince himself. But the thought you spitting insults in person, make his back arch as he came in his pants with just a few touches.

College Professor who hates anyone else around you. Increasing your work load, making sure you didn’t have time to hang out with others. Purposefully making your tests and quizzes harder till your grades started to drop.

College Professor who called you to his office for a private talk about your grades. Dressed in his finest clothes, a sexy perfume on. Only for him to be shoved against the wall, your hand holding his shirt collar. He couldn’t hold in the moan that left his mouth.

College Professor who you have bent over the desk, his ass red from spanking. Who only protested for a second before happily letting you manhandle him. Whining when you finished spanking him, mouth open with drool dripping out, and tears running down his cheek.

College Professor who cried from sheer pleasure as your cock entered him taking his virginity. He would have cum if he didn’t already when you were spanking him. Moaning when you yank his hair and called him a slut. Your hand wrapped around his throat, choking him. He gagged and whined pathetically, his tight virgin hole fluttered around your cock in pleasure. His eyes rolling back in ecstasy when you started to move.

College Professor who lets you use him like a fleshlight, in his office. Manhandling him like a toy. His clothes scattered across the room, whines and unintelligible moans that sounded like your name and yes leaving his kiss swollen lips. He was older than you but he couldn’t help how good your cock made him feel.

College Professor who gives you an A without you asking. Who regrets every moment he spends without you. Who can’t stop texting you, even when you block him for spamming you, immediately spamming your social media, begging for attention. Who leaves in the middle of a lecture because you’re in another class and not responding, just to take sexy pictures to send you.

College Professor who loves the way your eyes darken when you wears lingerie, so he’d started to wear silk panties and lingerie under his clothes. Who wants you to use however you want, fuck him in his office, in the bathrooms, anywhere you want. Even in public. Your free use slut he moaned eagerly when you’d taken up his offer.

College Professor who is a cock addicted whore for you. Like a loyal puppy only for you, his owner. Looking at you with the most pathetic face, eyes watering from being degraded, yet flushed and panting like a slut. Who loves it when you insult him, calling him your whore or slut. But also when you call him your cute girlfriend.

College Professor who is nothing but a bratty slut for you. Who can’t focus on teaching when your gaze lingered on his ass. His body aching from being fucked this morning but still craving your cock deep in him, filling him in all the right places.

Fuck, read his eyes and follow him to the bathroom, please? He’ll make you feel really good~

GOJO, TOJI, AIZAWA, NANAMI, SUKUNA, WRIOTHESLEY, GHOST, ZORO, BEELZEBUB, MAMMON, JIYAN, CALCHIRO, KÖNIG and anyone else you like <3

[cryptomiracle]

Hi!! I love how you're getting new to writing and I was wondering if you could write a thing about jeff! About him with a mean child reader! And like the kid is just sad and went Through a lot so that's why their mean? But I want the thing to be about jeff trying to make the crack a laugh and or a smile?

WARNINGS

Reader is supposed to be about 11-14

Cursing

This does not apply to my other hcs/fics for Jeff!!

Disassociation

Jeff being emo

Reader lives in slendermans manor as sally's "care taker"

(click here for an explanation on what sallys care taker means)

(e/c) means "eye color"

(f/f) means "favorite food"

(f/d) means "favorite drink"

(y/n) means "your name"

..................................

your unfocused (e/c) eyes stared aimlessly at the plate of dull, unpleasant, looking food that sat in front of you.

The world around you looked fuzzy almost as if you were underwater.

the memories of your past plaguing your mind, you felt the burning sensation of tears well up in your eyes, the painful lump in your throat almost suffocating you.

The blurriness deepend and you took note of how your thoughts started to slow down, how you felt the world around you slowly collapse.

then there was nothing

just you sitting there, devoid of any feeling other than psychical, but even that felt dull, lifeless.

The tears that threatened to spill over soon dissolved, the thoughts that were once overflowing, were now silent.

Everything was silent, the voices that were once all around you, the ones belonging to people you knew had exited the room.

How long had it been since they left? Why didn't you take note of that

You fell deeper into your trance like state, not noticing the young man quietly sitting down across from you.

*BANG*

The sound of a fist being slammed against the hard wood table pulled you out of that daze

With a shiver and a little gasp, your eyes quickly focused on the pale calloused hand that had hit the table, and then looked up to the man sitting across from you.

You soon recognized him to be jeff, his haircut was a bit choppy you could tell he did it himself, his fringed bangs slightly covering up one of his lidless eyes, while the other was in full view showcasing his dark blue irises.

you: "what do you want.."

you said lowly as you crossed your arms across your chest, and turned your head away from him.

jeff: "you've been sitting here for almost two hours (y/n).."

he paused before speaking again

jeff: "sally is getting worried"

you turned your head back to it's original place, and shot him a confused look.

you: "since when did you care about how sally felt?"

you scoffed

he huffed, and leaded back into his chair

jeff: "have you even eaten?"

he asked, completely ignoring your question

you: "no.."

you then realized how hungry you actually were, your stomach felt as if it had been twisted into knots, you looked down at the gruel like substance that resided on your plate, the color of it.. or lack there of combined with the texture and the way that it defied gravity caused whatever hunger you had, to turn into nausea.

you grabbed your fork, and started toying with the un-earthly "meal"

he laughed as he watched your expression go from blank, to disgust.

jeff: "I'm guessing ej cooked tonight.."

he grinned, causing the smile he carved into his face to grow in size

you looked up and nodded

jeff: "hm"

He paused and looked at you, like he was thinking of something.

jeff: "wait here"

he said as he stood up from his chair and walked out of the dinning room, you wanted to get up and leave but curiosity got the best of you, so you stayed seated.

about 3 minutes later, he came back into the dining room carrying a plastic bag in his hands

you: "what's that..?"

you asked hesitantly

jeff: "open it"

he said as he sat the bag on the table in front of you, you gave him a suspicious look, before slowly pulling the bag towards you

he sighed, patience was not one of his virtues.

jeff: "can you just open it?? it's not a f#cking b0mb (y/n)"

you whispered a quick "assh0le" under your breath before opening the bag to reveal a to-go box and a can of (f/d)

you carefully opened the to-go box to see it was filled with (f/f)

you: "where'd you get this?"

you questioned him, ignoring the slight excitement you felt.

jeff: "I stole it from tobys fridge"

He said nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just stolen from one of slendermans most trusted and highest ranking proxies.

your jaw went slack, he saw the shock on your face and smiled

you: " and what if he finds out? you idiot!"

you stretched your leg out and kicked him in the shin

jeff: "if he finds out, I'll just say I ate it."

He shrugged his shoulders

your brows started to furrow, anger bubbling over.

jeff: "oh c'mon, what's he gonna do?"

he said as he moved your previous plate to the side and pushed the to-go box closer to you.

you: "uh, I dunno.. decapitate you?"

your voice slightly raised with annoyance, he let out a chuckle.

The chuckle then turned into a fit of laughter once he realized you were being serious, he placed his left arm on the table and rested his head against it, he then used his to hold his stomach.

once he finally finished laughing, he looked up at you and leaned back into his chair.

you looked at him with a slight scowl across your face, you couldn't understand what was so funny to him.

Jeff: "y'know, toby is not as much of bad@ss as everyone thinks he is"

you raised your eyebrows, was he insane? I mean yeah he was, but you didn't think he was delusional.

He reached his hand into his blood stained hoodie, and pulled out an old beat up Samsung.

The screen quickly lit up, he slid his thumb across the screen then clicked onto his gallery.

He scrolled until he found what he was looking for, he then slid his phone across the table to you.

You picked up the phone, it's screen was cracked and there was dried blood in some of the crevices.

When you looked at the screen, you were shocked to say the least

displayed on the screen was a low quality video of toby, he was up in a tree hugging it tightly.

the video zoomed onto his face, fear was written all over his face.

The camera then moved down to the base of the tree, showing the back of what appeared to be smile dog.

Smile dog stood up against the tree, his claws dragged against it creating deep scratch marks on it.

He growled lowly at toby, then barked viscously at him.

toby: "GET Y-YOUR F#CKING DOG JEFF"

you heard jeff snicker in the video

jeff: "he just wants to be your friend toby!"

jeff taunted as smile slightly wagged his tail

jeff: "don't worry, he doesn't bite"

then suddenly, smile dog jumped up and bit tobys foot

smile shook tobys foot roughly, he backed up still holding onto tobys foot while trying to pull toby out of the tree.

with one more tug, smile dog ripped tobys shoe off of his foot and took off running.

toby: "G-GET BA-CK HERE Y-YOU MUTT"

his voice slightly cracked when he screamed.

You heard jeff laugh loudly over on the video before the camera shot down to the ground and ended.

You smiled at the sight, you genuinely couldn't believe what you were seeing

Toby, one of slendermans most brutal killers was screaming and hiding in a tree because of a DOG

not even realizing that you were smiling your head shot up to look at jeff, a plethora of questions bubbling over in your mind.

jeff: "if toby ever gives you any problems, just call smile"

He pulled his phone back to him, and smiled at you as you giggled at the thought of toby trembling in fear because of smile dog

he slid his phone back into his hoodie before speaking again.

jeff: "now eat.."

he demanded, you sighed and pulled out a plastic fork that was in the bag.

you ripped the plastic casing, and pulled the cutlery out.

taking no time, you dug in.

jeff: "it may be cold, but I'm sure it's better than whatever the hell that was"

he pointed his finger towards your previous meal, you could've sworn you saw it move.

You nodded, and continued eating.

you ate fast, barely taking any time to chew up your food.

you were almost finished when you stopped.

you looked up at jeff, who was hunkered over scrolling on his phone.

His posture was atrocious, but you couldn't judge

you: "why.."

you paused and squinted your eyes at him, still holding onto your fork.

He looked up from his phone, wearing a bored expression on his face.

you: "why are you doing this?"

He raised his eyebrows

jeff: "what?"

you: "why are you doing this for me?"

you: "you don't know me like that, why go through all that trouble for me?"

Your tone was laced with spite, you were worried that he had ulterior motives.

It's not like you and jeff didn't know each other, Slenderman had assigned him to "look after" you, to make sure none of the other residents tried to kill you, but he was usually an assh0le towards you.

he sighed, and turned off his phone.

jeff: "I know you've had a hard time adjusting to living here, and I know your life before was kinda sh!tty.."

he stopped, you could tell he was trying to find the right words to use

you grabbed the can of (f/d) and popped it open, you took a big gulp of it and sat it down on the table.

jeff: "honestly kid.."

jeff: "you remind me of a mini, less f#cked up version of me.."

his expression softened as he spoke

you almost choked, that was the last thing you expected him to say.

you: "gross, don't ever say that last part again"

he scoffed

Jeff: "and here I was trying to have a heartfelt moment with you, you little assh0le"

you grinned and continued eating

..................................

once you were done eating, you put the empty to-go box in the bag, along with the empty can of (f/d)

you stood up, and grabbed the bag Jeff grabbed your old plate, and stood up as well.

You both made your way into the kitchen, you walked over to the garbage can and threw away your trash.

Jeff walked over to the sink, and slid your plate into the soapy dishwater

You were about to make your way out of the kitchen, when you heard him call your name.

jeff: "aren't you gonna help?"

he looked at you, and gently moved his head to the side to get his bangs out of his face.

You sighed, before walking over to stand beside him in front of the sink.

you watched patiently as he rolled up his sleeves revealing his deathly pale skin, and grabbed the dish out of the murky water.

He grabbed a sponge, and gently slid it across the plate.

He then handed it to you, and started on the fork.

You turned on the faucet, the hot water slightly burning your hands.

You rinsed the plate off, and stared at for a second before you started to speak.

you: "thanks.. I guess"

you said in a hushed tone, barely above a whisper.

jeff: "what was that?"

he snickerd

You lightly elbowed him in the side

you: "don't be a douche"

as you set the plate onto the rack that was sitting on the counter, you felt tears well in your eyes.

you realized how long it had been since someone had shown you kindness like that, even though it was as tiny as giving you something to eat.

he handed you the fork as you sniffled.

he heard your sniffles, and turned his head down at you.

jeff: "you alright?"

you dropped the fork into the sink and pulled him into an awkward hug.

you sobbed into his arm as he hesitantly hugged you back

you: "you're kinda stinky jeff"

You managed to say over your sobs, he laughed and gently patted you on the back.

..................................

i will be reading over this later to check for any mistakes, please tell me if you spot any!

ty for reading <3

[monstrumpologin]

can someone help me finde a fic?

it is eddie munson x reader. they are asigned a school project together, reader is ritch and eddie kinda shy and humiliated because he cant concentrate because he is turned on. at some point he sais something like "i swear i am not dumb" i dont remeber much else, apart from it being smutty

[inkskinned]

please i love you i'm begging you bring back suspension of disbelief bring back trusting the audience like. i cannot handle any more dialogue that sounds like a legal document. "hello, i am here to talk to you about the incident from a few minutes ago, because i feel you might be unwell, and i am invested in your personal wellbeing." "thank you, i am unwell because the incident was hurtful to me due to my childhood, which was bad." I CANT!!!!

do you know how many people are mad that authors use "growled" as a word for "said"? it's just poetics! they do not literally mean "growled," it's just a common replacement for "said with force but in a low tone." it's normal! do you hear me!! help me i love you please let me out of here!!!

[lgbtlunaverse]

To me the most fun part about fix-its is placing dominoes.

Tragedies often consist of escalating series of actions and circumstances which, in isolation, were not clearly leading to the tragic end but form a chain of cause-and-effect directly towards it in hindsight. In equal but opposite fashion, I love starting with small inoccuous changes to canon that in themselves do not obviously fix everything but start a new chain that leads to a better ending.

It's kind of impossible for fix-its to feel fully natural– the reader by definition knows what the original ending was and that this ending will be happier because the writer wants it to be– but it is possible for them to not feel contrived. A big deus-ex-machina, or a character breaking with their pre-established tragic flaws to suddenly make all the "correct" decisions almost always feels unsatisfying to me.

But a few carefully placed small domino pieces slowly knocking over bigger and bigger tiles until the entire story has radically changed? That's a lot more fun.

It recquires the author to both correctly identify the original chain of cause-and-effect and understand the characters well enough to know how they'd react to different circumstances. Because if the story feels like it's fixing the wrong problem or the characters don't act like themselves the magic is lost. But when it works? When it clicks and the reader sees the domino chain laid out in front of them? It's beautiful.

[shegetsburned]

tw. age gap

✰ you swear there’s nothing going on between you and your co-star kento nanami to every fan or interviewer that dare ask the question. after many years of working together, there have been speculations of a secret relationship between the two of you and fans are dying to know the truth.

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami who’s ten years older than you and has starred in many films as your love interest. your audience describe your chemistry as unmatched, on and off camera. you are the people’s favorite couple and, unfortunately, your actions never contradict the allegations.

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami, but, every time you two appear in an interview together, there are hundreds of edits of the way kento looks at you. his attentive gaze makes you flutter. he always seems interested in what you’re saying and never cuts you off. even when he’s alone, he finds subjects and ways to mention your name and express how grateful he is to have the privilege of working with you.

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami, but every time you feel overwhelmed and stressed on the carpet or any major events, he reaches for your hand, letting you hold onto his arm as you both walk side by side. only with a look, he understands and goes to your side, helping you calm down without a word. his presence is always enough to make you feel better.

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami, but his first thought is always to find you. whether he’s on set or at premieres, he asks other actors if they’ve seen you. even when he’s being interviewed, he ends the conversation by jokingly telling the audience that he needs to find you or he won’t be able to go through the whole night.

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami, but when it’s time to film your sex scenes, he’s always there to reassure you. the age gap did not help, at first, but his gentle touch and the way he led and handled you in a soft-spoken voice never failed to put your mind at ease and helped you to shoot almost effortlessly the most stunning performance of the movie.

“no one is present but you and me, sweetheart. take your time, i’ll help you get into it.”

you swear there’s nothing between you and co-star!nanami, but when he won his first award, he firstly thanked you and went on and on about how wonderful of an actress you were and how formidable it was to work on this masterpiece with you. the camera zoomed on your flustered face as you exchanged adoring looks with the man on stage.

but, no— you swear there’s nothing between you and kento. you swear your fans are not onto something and it’s only their imaginations running wild. but, between two scenes, when you can’t help but stare at the perfectly sculpted man who’s standing two feet away from you, who’s so well-spoken, compassionate, courteous and kindhearted, god, you really wish something was going on, between you and your co-star kento nanami.

© shegetsburned 2024 please do not repost/edit/or claim my writing as your own.

[grenadehearts]

katsuki with a mean girlfriend.. smut

katsuki swears the universe gave him the meanest, brattiest damn girl alive.

always angry. always quick to bite back. always faster than him with a sharper insult that even he wouldn’t dare cross.

you’re rough around the edges, sharp-tongued and demanding — barking orders at him like he’s some underling. do this, fix that, not like that, idiot. and if it’s not perfect, you're pouting, arms crossed, throwing the dirtiest, most lethal glares at him that leave him seeing red — not with anger, but with something worse.

because fuck, he's so pussywhipped he can't even think straight when you get like that. that scowl, the cruel curl of your lips when you talk down to him... it’s a migraine and a goddamn turn-on all rolled into one.

but this — this right here —

when he’s got you spread out bare for him, your thick thighs trembling under the squeeze of his palm, ankles hiked up to your ears, caged in a brutal mating press —

this is when katsuki wins.

when your sopping cunt clutches at him, sweet and wet and so needy, when all that sharpness bleeds out of you and leaves something soft, pliant, and his.

the change is fucking addictive.

that bratty mouth, the one that usually cuts him down in two seconds flat, now only spills high, broken whimpers, breathless gasps, words slurring together into sweet, incoherent babbling.

“ngh, k-katsuki—! f-fuck—!”

voice wrecked, desperate, so pretty when you try to snap at him and only end up whining.

“yeah? thought you had somethin’ to say, princess,” he growls, slamming his hips forward, skin smacking against skin, forcing another pathetic little moan out of you.

your fingernails dig into his shoulders, your glare watery and useless now, any fight you thought you had long pounded out of you.

he knows he's in charge.

knows your voice holds no bark, no bite, nothing but soft broken pleas when he's fucking you this deep into the mattress.

the only time you're really his — the only time you’re sweet —

and katsuki plans to drag it out for as long as he fucking can.

masterlist link here.

taglist: @twoplayergaymers @socialobligation @van9lla @dienamiight @sk1ppy-art @ni-aaaaaaa @kelisewrites @chosostonguepiercing @izzymff @swuzzin @aryuunachigiri @badslittlemuffin @yuhkai @candiiee @ugh-ellie69 @khloefrlsss @camydoesstuff @11thlife02 @alixezae @diamondocean001 @izycarrot7 @vivitg @cupkiki @wonubby @1explosionextinguisher @lotusstarr @tatumsscream96

[berrryparfait]

why is he in my bed ?! ♡ ‧₊˚ ⋅

— ༉‧₊ᐟ featuring: caleb, zayne, xavier, sylus, rafayel x fem-afab!reader

— ༉‧₊ᐟ premise: you're woken up in the middle of the night by something hard and warm between your legs... what on earth is going on? 「i must still be dreaming, for this is an overwhelming ecstasy.」

— ༉‧₊ᐟ tags/cws: [nsfw] pure smut, dubcon on reader's part, dry humping, creampie, needy af, sleep (and p*ssy)-drunk, "good girl" affirmations

— ♫₊ᐟ soundtrack: morning sex – ralph castelli

✧ a/n: i promise i'm not horny i'm just deeply interested in the science and academia behind dry humping and sleepy sex like istg i'm doing this for research purposes... okie thank u for reading enjoy this scientific report :>

When you dream, you’re in your happy place. A place full of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and undisrupted peace. Your slumbers are deep, quiet, and tranquil, with no one around to—

Wait, what’s that pressing up against my ass?

Large, calloused hands cup around your breasts as you feel it—hard and imposing behind you. “Caleb?” You whisper in surprise, your question left unanswered as he breathes in your scent and snuggles up closer behind you. Before you can clear your mind enough to react, he grinds against your ass and you notice for the first time that he’s completely naked. The act sends a shock wave of pleasure down your spine, and he lets out a groan as he rolls into you once more. “A-Are you alright? What’s gotten into you?” He pays your words no mind, dry humping you in a steady rhythm as he grunts and whispers “Shh shh shh…” into your ear. His thumb hooks around the waistband of your panties and roughly pulls them down to your knees. He doesn’t even bother to pull them all the way down. He needs you now, and desperately. With your ass exposed to him, he instantly pushes the tip of his cock between your folds, and you moan in shock as he squeezes himself all the way in. The covers are still around you. It’s hot, sticky, and suffocating, but you don’t care. He thrusts into you with such speed that you wonder how long he’s been waiting for this. How much he needed this. With one final move of his hips, he fills you with his thick seed, and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. Panting, he pulls his cock out from deep within you and falls asleep, exhaustion and satisfaction overcoming him. “Just what will I do with you…”

Zayne is inside you before you even wake up. Your eyes blink open as you feel a heavy arm holding you down by the waist, the space between your legs feeling strangely full. “What in the—” You turn around and come face to face with a groggy, lust-drunk Zayne, his face flushed pink and his body hot to the touch. “What? What are you—” He pushes all the way into you, effectively silencing your feeble questions. “Ah, fuck—” he gasps, his hands trembling with the feeling of dragging his cock along your walls, your pussy so tight it steals the air from his lungs. He pounds into you from behind as you call out his name, eyes squeezing shut from the sheer size of him. Your mind has been fucked empty, no other thoughts capable of being formed save for the graphic image of the two of you in this stuffy bed with nothing but sweat between your bodies. In the blink of an eye, he pulls you upright and pushes your shoulders down, fucking you doggy style as he grabs your hips and rocks deep into you, a relentless repetition of thrusts that drives you crazy. “Good girl…” Your panties are resting helplessly at your ankles, your tight shirt pushed up above your tits. He cums without warning, hot ropes of cum leaking out of your pussy as he backs away and falls onto the bed, spent. “Out cold just like that. Aftercare my ass.”

You feel your blankets readjust themselves as a weight settles to your left, though you can’t quite see what it is in the darkness. A soft hand on your waist tells you it’s Xavier, and you cuddle up next to him as you doze off once more… But Xavier doesn’t seem to stay still. You hear the sound of a zipper being pulled down and frown in confusion, wondering why he’s stripping on your bed in the middle of the night. He flips you over to face him so you’re both lying face to face. You realize he’s breathing heavily, his hands restless and reaching to pull your pajama pants down with haste. “Xavier, it’s 3 in the morning…” But your words fall on deaf ears. You feel his hard length press into you, slowly, tentatively—as if he’s using his last ounce of control to ensure you don’t get hurt in the process of accommodating his cock. That control quickly dies. He’s pumping in and out of you before you know it, shallow and in quick succession like a man starved. His shirt is still on and so is yours, pants and underwear still around his and your legs—he’s in such urgent need of release that he doesn’t even care. You moan and grab the fabric of his shirt as he plows into your pussy, your forehead touching his and your lungs inhaling his air. “You’re…so…good…” he whines as he slams into you harder, his eyes shut tight against his rapidly arriving climax. With a delicious moan, white streaks of cum erupt from his cock, coating your pussy and staining the sheets beneath you. He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear before collapsing from exertion, and he’s fast asleep in an instant. You tut at him, amused. “You’re lucky you’re so cute.”

Something big and warm is touching your inner thigh. You can feel it through the fabric of your nightgown. “Sylus? Is that you?” A rough hand glides over your bare arm in a caress that could only mean one thing: he’s incredibly horny right now. Still cloudy with sleep, you distantly realize that you’re about to get railed. One of his hands wraps around the base of your neck—not forcefully, but hard enough to assure you your suspicions were correct—while the other reaches down to pull his pants and boxers free. Your nightgown is white silk and very much easy-access, so it doesn’t take him long to push the smooth fabric up to your waist. “Sylus—” Your voice is cut off by the torturous glide of his cock up the length of your pussy, a small warming before he shoves it in all the way. He lets out a low grown as the friction begins to intensify, his face buried in the crook of your neck as he fucks you from behind. He’s going so fast that you have to make a conscious effort to catch your breath, the ecstasy of his length sliding against your walls turning your brain into mindless mush. You’ve never heard him make sounds this loud before. He uses his right hand to lift your leg up, giving himself a better angle to pound into your pussy as you bounce your ass against his groin. “Good girl… You’re so wet for me…” he hums as you arch your back and somehow make him even bigger than before. At last, he pulls you in with such force that his tip rubs against your deepest spot, and it’s enough for both of you to come undone. He shudders as his warm, sticky cum fills you, forming a puddle on the bed that you’ll have to clean up in the morning. He sure as hell wouldn’t be able to. Not even an earthquake could wake him from the sleep he just seamlessly fell into. “I’m going to kill you tomorrow, you hear me?”

You’re being pushed. Repeatedly. Something or someone is slamming against you in your sleep. “Hey, stop that—” You turn to see Rafayel naked in your bed, his erection so obvious that you can see it in the pitch black room. He’s dry humping you with a pathetic eagerness that almost makes you feel bad for him. “Woah there, I just woke up, Raf…” But the pleasure spiking in your core was undeniable. Why was the sight of Rafayel panting like a dog in heat so…hot? He roughly yanks your pants down to your knees and gets on top of you, forearms braced on either side of you. Precum glistens on the tip of his dick as he quickly inserts himself between your folds, and it isn’t long before he begins thrusting into you with no intentions of stopping. You grip the bed sheets as his crotch rubs against your clit, his labored moans and whispers in your ear sending you into overdrive. “Fuck, you’re so tight…” You bite your bottom lip and arch your back, the new angle allowing him to hit your g-spot and making you see stars. So many dirty, sinful thoughts come to mind with his cock between your legs, but you can’t quite grasp any one of them—not while he’s mercilessly fucking you. “Raf… I’m going to—” He grabs your ass with both hands and lifts your hips up, his cock driving into you with full force as you cry out and beg for him to go faster. Finally, with one last powerful thrust, he cums deep into your pussy, thick pools of white dripping down your thighs as he twitches and writhes in pleasure. He smiles down at you rather ridiculously before slumping into a tired heap on top of you, and you have to hold back a smile of your own as you roll your eyes. “Never know what to expect with this one.”

— ⋆˙⟡ ©berrryparfait

《 please do not copy / plagiarize / translate my works or publish them on any other platforms. 》

[marvelstoriesepic]

Like he means it

Pairing: Roommate!Bucky x Reader

Summary: You can’t take another night of hearing Bucky fuck a girl who isn’t you.

Word Count: 13.6k

Warnings: Bucky is a fuckboy (but he’s still a sweetheart); lots of talk about unrequited love (but is it?); mentions of sex; crying; lots of desperation; longing; heavy confessions; feels; happy ending

Author’s Note: This is written for the lovely cinema themed writing challenge of @elixirfromthestars ♡ I had this kind of idea for a while but when I read those lyrics it somehow immediately came back to my mind and I needed to make something out of it. This is kind of inspired by your Boulevard Confessions because I loved it so much! And damn, I've already written so much about roommate!Bucky but I can’t help myself lol, I love him. Also, this got a little long, I'm sorry. Still, I hope you enjoy! ♡

Hold My Hand "Pull me close, wrap me in your aching arms. I see that you're hurtin', why'd you take so long to tell me you need me? I see that you're bleeding, you don't need to show me again. But if you decide to, I'll ride in this life with you. I won't let go 'til the end." — Lady Gaga

Masterlist

You hear the giggling before anything else.

It’s always the giggling.

And, as always, it grates on your nerves.

It carves through the air, seeps into the walls, into the floorboards, into you. It tears its way inside and scrapes its manicured nails along the rawest and most sensitive parts of you, only to bury itself deep, where you can’t simply dig it out.

Then comes the keys.

The light, metallic jingle, so careless in its melody, but so troubling in its meaning.

Then the lock turning, the click soft and yet so irrefutable.

Then the door opening.

More giggles.

His breathy chuckles.

Then the door closing.

Shoes being kicked off, one hitting the wall.

You press the pillow harder against your ears, as if you could suffocate the sound before it reaches you, as if you could bury yourself deep enough under the covers to escape what you already know is coming. But you can’t. You never can.

Your brain usually does you the favors of drowning out the parts in the hallway, knowing it will probably make your heart stop in an instant. Today, it doesn’t do you any favors and you close your eyes, accepting the sting behind them.

And then, his bedroom door.

And if all that wasn’t torture enough, it was only the easy part.

Because now is when it really starts. It’s when your throat closes up, the breath in your lungs turns heavy, thick, impossible. Because no matter how many times this has happened, no matter how many times you laid here in your bed, still, so still, waiting for the agony to stop, pretending it doesn’t happen - it never stops hurting. It never stops breaking your heart - or whatever’s left of it.

At first, there is silence. The small period where you almost dare to believe, to hope.

But then comes the moaning.

High-pitched and breathy, hinting at a pleasure that strikes you with a hammer.

Someone else. Always someone else. Someone who is not you, someone who never had to try, someone who will never know what it means to ache for him like you do.

Then, quieter, but just as devastating, Bucky’s voice. The low sound of him unraveling. The sound of something slipping from him that you will never be able to take.

And that’s what breaks you most. That’s what turns the ache into utter misery. Madness even. It’s the inescapable proof that he has something to give - something deep, something intimate - and he is giving it away. Over and over again, but never to you.

You close your eyes, as always. It doesn’t help, as always. The sounds don’t stop anyway. The images come anyway - the touches you have imagined, the way his hands would feel against your skin, the way his mouth would shape your name if you were the one beneath him. The way he might look at you, if only he could see.

But right now, you are just the ghost in the next room, curled in on yourself, ears filled with the sound of someone else living the life you always wanted.

And in the morning, or right after, when the door will open again, when the giggling will turn to goodbyes, you will still be here, where you always are. Where you always will be. Waiting. Wanting. Breaking. Wishing you could turn it off, this feeling. This unendurable and never-ending heartbreak.

And that finally makes the tears flow.

They well up before they spill over, down the slope of your cheek, gathering in the hollow beneath your nose before falling onto the pillow and wetting it like a pool.

You squeeze your eyes shut, so tightly it should hurt, so tightly it should make them stop. But they come anyway. They come despite the barricade of your willpower, despite the way your body coils tighter in on itself. They come despite the desperate war you wage against them.

They come because you have lost. Because it’s too much.

The moaning doesn’t stop, and it’s too much. It’s the middle of the night, and it’s too much. It’s the third night in a row, and it’s too much.

Bucky’s hushed voice shatters something inside of you, you didn’t know was left intact a few seconds ago.

Your breath turns sticky, only half of it making its way up your throat. The other half stays attached to the walls of your throat like honey gone rancid. It refuses to leave completely, snagging and trapping you in the awful space between breathing and choking.

Maybe if it stopped altogether, it would be easier. Maybe suffocating would be gentler than this slow and unsparing death of heartbreak.

Your hands are shaking. You bury your face into the pillow, willing it to just take you as a whole and never let you leave again. The fabric muffles the shuddering sobs, but it cannot do anything for the way your body trembles. But you know that the sounds of pleasure in the other room will tune out the sounds of your cries. The pillow is being clutched so tightly, you might tear the fabric. But it’s your heart that’s being torn into so many pieces. So what is a pillow compared to the ruin of your heart? It’s nothing.

You are alone in your grief.

The moans stop for a second - abrupt, cut off mid-breath.

Bucky’s voice comes. He says something but you don’t catch his words.

However, you do catch the displeased groan of his girl for the night. Drawn-out and petulant. Annoyed.

Bucky speaks again. Firmer, this time. Again, it’s too quiet to catch it.

And then you hear your name. It’s muffled still, but you would hear your name coming from his lips always and forever. You know the exact cadence of it shaping his mouth.

Everything in you halts. Your breaths are suspended somewhere in your throat, caught between shock and devastation.

The girl scoffs. It’s a snappy sound. Almost whiny. You would have rolled your eyes if you weren’t so troubled.

The moaning resumes. But it is quieter this time. Controlled almost. A courtesy. A mercy. But not for you. Not in the way you wish.

And it makes you know.

He asked her to keep it down. For you. He must have told her he has a roommate - you - and that they need to be mindful, that you might be trying to sleep.

Somehow, in all the infinite ways he could have cared for you, this is the one he chose. Not to love you, not to want you, but to make sure his flings don’t disrupt your sleep. As if that’s the worst of it. As if the noise is what truly keeps you up at night, and not the agonizing truth of it all.

Harshly, your teeth sink into your lip, fighting to stifle the sob that trembles on the edge of you. But again, you are losing.

Because hearing your name in the middle of something so intimate, spoken in the same breath of his pleasure, is pure anguish.

Because your name should not exist there. Not like this. Not casually sneaking into a mind occupied with pleasuring someone else.

If he were to say your name in a moment like this, it should be a soft whisper against your skin, entangled in sheets, buried in kisses that steal the air from your lungs. It should be something private, something sacred.

Not an idle afterthought. A consideration. A passing thought before he loses himself in someone else’s body. You have never heard him say any girl’s name before when sleeping with them, but hell you also don’t try to listen too closely.

You won’t talk about this. You never talk about this. When the morning comes and you meet Bucky in the kitchen for breakfast, you will not mention it. Just like you never mention the other nights. Just like you never dwell on the soft apologies he offers when they got too loud. And just like always, you will brush it off, force a brittle smile, and tell him that it’s fine.

It’s not. It never has been. And you don’t think you ever manage to make it sound like you mean it. But you are gone before Bucky can push or apologize again. Or see how deep the knife has gone.

Because he might be careful to be quiet. But he will never be careful enough to stop breaking your heart.

So what is the point?

You don’t want to do another morning like this.

You can’t do another morning like this.

Not three times in a row.

Not when the night has already taken your soul and what was precious of it, barely sewn together by the time the sun fights its way through the window.

Not when you know how it will play out. Like it has the day before. And the day before that.

The door to his room will creak open, the girl already gone. You will hear the shuffle of his bare feet against the floor, the sigh as he stretches, and the yawn that usually makes it past his lips. He never tries to stifle it.

And then, him standing there and watching you.

Disheveled. Bed hair sticking up in a mess. You never let your mind wander to how her fingers might have something to do with that. His shirt would loosely hang over his frame, probably thrown on in a hurry, collar askew, revealing a sliver of skin you shouldn’t be looking at.

That lazy and slightly flustered smile. Sleep still in the corners of his eyes, his lips, his voice, when he greets you with a scratchy morning.

Like nothing happened. Like he didn’t shatter you into a thousand unfixable pieces last night. And the night before that. And now this night.

You will do your best to greet him back without sounding pained. Focusing on making coffee. The way the steam normally curls into the air, the warmth of the mug in your hands. You will have to focus on it as if it’s the only thing keeping you upright.

And despite knowing you shouldn’t - despite hating yourself for it - you will slide a cup toward him. As you always do.

His smile would shift. Settling into something fond, something warm, something that digs its claws into your ribs and refuses to let go.

Because that’s usually the worst part. He’s always so sweet with you. Thoughtful, affectionate in ways that don’t count. In the ways that make you feel like maybe if you just hold on a little longer, if you wait just a little more, he might start feeling what you do.

But you are certain, he won’t.

Because for him, everything seems fine. For him, this will be just another morning. Another easy, comfortable start to the day. With his eyes on you and sipping his coffee, exhaling like he is finally at peace, and leaning against the counter with a lightness that always has your stomach all up in shambles.

He always makes it seem so normal. Starting conversation with you, talking to you as if nothing has changed. Like you didn’t spend the night curled in on yourself, swallowing down sobs so thick they feel like razor blades. Like you didn’t spend the night choking on the sound of him with her.

He never mentions them. Never says any of the girl’s names, not that you even know what they are. He never makes plans to see them again. Just another faceless but very loud girl. One to be forgotten.

But tomorrow night, there will be another.

Tomorrow night will be the same.

And in the morning nothing will have happened.

Only him standing there with his sleep-mussed hair and that sweet, easy smile, drinking the coffee you should have stopped making for him a long, long time ago.

You rise out of bed, not even aware of it. The cold air nips at your tear-streaked cheeks, your sheets thrown back in a mass of tangled fabric still warm from the ball your body was curled in, breaking in silence. The pillow is still wet.

Your hands move on their own, tugging on slacks, yanking a hoodie over your head as though the fabric could hide you, save you from the devastation caving a hole into your chest.

You fumble for your phone before throwing open your bedroom door.

The moans are louder again. Yanking at your resolve and laughing at the way your tears keep coming.

Your feet move faster. You don’t actually run, but it feels like running. Like fleeing. Escaping a burning building before it collapses. The living room comes into view and it’s like a cruel trick, like the universe is taunting you, because all you see are phantoms.

The coffee machine on the counter. How many times have you two stood there, still tousled with sleep, you making coffee for the both of you because Bucky burns everything. How many times did he lean on the counter, watching you with that stupid little half-smirk, pretending to judge your process but always humming in satisfaction when he took the first sip.

The bookshelf in the corner - the one you swore you could build on your own. And you tried, you really did, but the second the screwdriver slipped and you gasped out loud, Bucky was there immediately. Hands on yours, worry furrowing his brows, grumbling about your stubbornness and continuing to grumble when he passive-aggressively built it himself.

You sat cross-legged on the floor, watching him, pretending to be annoyed but secretly savoring the way he kept glancing at you, again and again, to make sure you were okay and giving you instructions as to how it’s done but throwing you a glare when you insisted on trying again.

The carpet. The same one you both collapsed onto after a night out with your friends, too tipsy to move, giggling like teenagers as you pointed at the ceiling, pretending to find constellations in the uneven paint. He named one after you. You named one after him. You fell asleep there, side by side, and when you woke up he was so close. So close.

The couch. The one he practically melted into last week when he had a fever, whining dramatically until you caved and brought him soup. He kept pulling you back when you tried to leave, pouting like a child, demanding your attention because I’m sick, doll. Can’t ignore me when I’m sick. Until you sighed and sat down, letting his head rest in your lap. He fell asleep like that. Snoring. And you didn’t have the heart to move.

And now he is in his room, tangled in her, moaning into her skin, kissing her - like it doesn’t mean anything. Like none of it ever meant anything.

Your breath is uneven, your hands shaking as you grab your shoes. The laces blur, your vision fogs, but you can’t stop.

You throw open the door to your shared apartment, barely thinking, barely breathing, only moving. It swings back into the frame with a sharp sound echoing through the hallway, louder than you had intended. But it doesn’t matter now. Because you are sure that Bucky doesn’t hear it. He doesn’t notice. He is otherwise occupied and you are utterly drained of thinking about with what.

The air outside the apartment feels different. Lighter and cooler, but it doesn’t bring relief. It’s thin and hard to pull into your lungs properly.

Natasha’s place isn’t far. Fifteen minutes on foot. You tell yourself that over and over, like a mantra, like something to grasp on.

No more moans. Lost to silence, left in a place that feels little like home right now. Still, they resonate in your skull, haunting reminders of that pain you can’t dismiss, that hurt that hangs off you like a heavy burden.

You slow your steps on the staircase and inhale deeply. It trembles on its way out.

You hate how fragile you feel. How breakable. Hate how much this affects you. How much he affects you.

But you keep walking.

Just yesterday, you talked to Natasha and she offered you to stay with her for the night, looking at you all sharp and knowing, but in her own way sympathetic. You declined. Because you thought you’d be fine. Well, you were wrong.

It’s past midnight now, completely dark, but you don’t care.

You know, Natasha will let you in. And that will have to be enough for tonight.

The city is alive even at this hour. Neon lights glow in the distance, their reflection shimmering in rain-slicked puddles that dot the cracked pavement. Somewhere across the street, there is a group of people laughing, and disappearing around a corner. A car flies past, with headlights unlocking long shadows lengthening down the sidewalk.

You focus on those things. On the shoes thumping against the pavement. The way the crisp air is somehow refreshing as it weaves through the fabric of your hoodie and stings slightly at the tear-streaked skin of your cheeks, keeping you awake and propelling you forward. Not that you need any more motivation to leave.

You wind your arms around yourself like a shield, like a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from falling apart completely.

You don’t look back.

Somewhere above you, there is a creak of a window opening.

It makes you freeze for a small second, before tightening your arms around yourself and picking up your pace.

Your stomach spins violently because fuck, you know that sound. You know the groan of that window when it moves, just a little off its hinges, just enough to make a noise you’ve heard a hundred times before. Because it’s the window of your apartment. And it makes a noise that has never felt so much like a punch to the gut.

“Y/n?”

You close your eyes.

“Y/n!”

Your name spills from his lips, laced with confusion, infused with something that makes your fingers clench around your arms.

You could ignore him. You should ignore him. Just keep walking, keep moving, pretend you didn’t hear.

But you can’t. You never can.

With a slow, dragging breath, you turn around.

Bucky is leaning over the frame, his torso reaching out the window, bare from the shoulders down. He is bathed in the hazy yellow glow of the streetlights.

His hair is messed up, brown tendrils all sticking in different directions. His brows are knitted in confusion. His lips in a frown so full of worry. And it’s just too much.

Too warm. Too intimate. Too familiar.

Your chest stutters, lurches, and swirls itself into a dozen moving shapes that hurt more than they should. Because he stands there shirtless. Shirtless. And you know why.

You swallow back your hurt, but it stays stuck in your throat and crawls right up again to make you taste it on your tongue.

You force your gaze away from staring at the curve of his collarbone, the slope of his throat, the soft lines of his skin, the hard lines of his muscles that she had her hands on just minutes ago.

“Where are you going?”

The tone highlights his concern, thick with the kind of worry that would have meant everything if it weren’t coming from him like this, not now. His voice is rough, remnants of the time already spent with that girl, but all you can hear is that damn worry in it.

As if you owe him an answer. As if he isn’t the reason your chest feels like it’s been hollowed out and left to rot.

You draw in half a breath and look away - down the street, down at your shoes, the bricks of your building. Anywhere that isn’t him.

“To Nat’s.”

It’s clipped and short. You don’t want to explain, don’t want to talk, don’t want to stand here in the night air beneath the window of the apartment you share with him like some pathetic wreck while he worries about you.

“Nat’s?” You can hear the bewilderment in his voice, the way he is trying to piece it together, the way his brain is already working overtime, scrambling to make sense of this - and you can practically feel the moment he decides he won’t let it go.

“Somethin’ happen?” His voice just won’t stop to be so perplexed, so concerned. It is softer now, but you only glance up at him briefly before averting your eyes again.

Because damn Bucky, yes, something happened. Everything happened. Every night that he brings someone home, every touch that belongs to someone else, every soft moan that isn’t meant for you.

All these moments, all these memories, every feeling left unsaid that swivels and stings and grows into what it is now - a storm inside your rib cage, a hurricane of almosts and never wills and why does it have to be like this?

But of course, you can’t say that. You won’t say that.

So you just shake your head, tighten your arms around yourself, and take a step back.

“Go back to bed, Bucky.”

Because you can’t do this right now. You won’t do this right now.

Not when you are already about to break.

“I- What?”

His voice is a little raspy, puzzled, and under any other circumstance, it might have been endearing. On a normal day, if this were some cozy Sunday morning and not the breaking stretch of midnight, you might have smiled at the sight of him like this - hair in a wild mess, eyes a little heavy from the day, bare shoulders shifting in the glow of the streets.

But this is not a Sunday morning. And nothing about this feels good or cozy or right.

You are so damn exhausted. So damn drained.

“You-” he starts again, brow furrowing deeper, but before he can get another word out, hands appear - slim fingers wrapping around the thick of his bicep, tugging, pulling, trying to drag him back inside.

Bile is pooling at the base of your throat.

She’s alone with him up there, in the space that you have spent so much time making into something warm, something filled with comfort. A space where you feel home. With him. And yet, it’s that random girl in there, laying in his bed, under his covers, in his scent, in him.

“Bucky, come on.” Her voice is thin and peevish, thick with impatience. And exhaustion you believe she has no right to feel when you are the one who has spent the time suffocating under her presence.

But Bucky doesn’t move.

His hand only grips onto the windowsill tighter, muscles in his arm locking.

And his eyes stay fixed on you.

Still searching. Still confused. Still trying to understand.

And it makes your hands clammy.

The way he looks at you like he is reaching for something just beyond his grasp, something that eludes him no matter how hard he tries to hold onto it.

He huffs out a breath that just borders on frustration when her fingers won’t stop pulling at him.

“Hold on, doll-” he calls out to you and unwinds her hands from his arm, barely sparing her a glance as he leans out the window again. There is a little something in his tone when he speaks to you again. Something like exasperation. But it’s not meant for you. “What’re you doin’ at Nat’s? Tell her it’s the middle of the goddamn night. Why would she let you walk over to her? She knows it’s not safe.”

You shake your head, already half turning away again. You just cannot do this right now.

“It’s fine. Just go back to bed, Bucky.”

“Y/n - hey. What’s wrong? What’s this about?” There it is. That softness in his voice. That concern. And it hurts. Because he doesn’t get it.

“Go. Back. To bed,” you repeat, sharper now, gritting it out between clenched teeth.

But Bucky has always been stubborn. And so infuriating. It’s like he doesn’t hear you at all.

“C’mon doll, did something happen? Talk to me,” he urges, voice gentle but he doesn’t seem to like the way you look as if you would bolt around the corner any second. His tone is coaxing in a way that makes you ache because this is what he does. This is what he has always done - pulling you in, making you feel safe, making you feel cared for, making you feel like you matter. Like he means it.

And it’s cruel. So cruel.

Because you are in love with him.

And he is standing in that window, bare-chested and rumpled from a night with another woman, while you are in slacks and a simple hoodie beneath him with your heart cracked wide open, bleeding into the pavement.

“I don’t wanna do this right now, Bucky,” you snip, voice losing patience. But you are so tired.

Bucky sighs and runs a hand through his hair, frustration growing, seeping into his voice. “You’re killin’ me here, sweetheart. Just tell me what’s goin’ on. It’s cold out, doll. You’re not even wearin’ a jacket.”

You swallow down a choked breath.

Because this is making things so much worse.

That he cares. That he is looking at you like this, like you matter, like you are his.

Like you are something he wants to figure out. And he wants to take his time with. Like he wants to fix you.

But you are not broken. You are just in love.

“Bucky,” that girl calls out again, dragging his name out, voice honey-thick and pettish. “Come on babe, let it go. Just-” She tugs at his arm again, nails skimming along his forearm. “Come back to bed.”

But he doesn’t move.

Doesn’t even glance at her.

His mouth twitches, jaw ticking as he exhales sharply through his nose, shaking her off with a firm roll of his shoulder. “Would you quit it for a sec?” His voice is edged now, tinged with a kind of terse impatience he seldom ever lets out. “Jesus, m’tryin to talk here.”

The girl huffs, clearly displeased, but Bucky doesn’t spare her another second.

But the one second he threw his head around at her was your chance. Your feet move before you can think, before you can talk yourself into staying, because if you do, if you let him pull you in, let yourself hope-

“Woah, doll, hey. Wait, I-”

His voice is frantic, stammering over its own syllables and filled with too many things your mind is too jumbled to focus on.

But it makes you stop your body in the midst of a step. And you grind down on your teeth against the frustration burning inside you.

You should keep walking. Shouldn’t have stopped.

But Bucky is leaning even further out now, his knuckles bracing against the sill, the night air tousling his hair, eyes wide and concerned, searching. One of his arms is reaching out, down to you as if he could touch you like this.

“Hold up, yeah? I’m comin’ down.”

You whip halfway back to him, brows snapping together, heart slamming against your ribs.

“No, you-”

He’s already pulling himself back inside, shaking his head as if it should be obvious. “I’m coming down,” he repeats, more insistent, more sure. Leaving no room for argument.

Your fists squeeze the fabric of your hoodie. Your stomach churns. “Bucky-” you try again. But he has already made up his mind.

“Wait there, alright?” His voice dips lower, steadier but still urgent. Resolute, as if he would run after you if you bolted down the street. “Doll. Promise me you’ll wait.”

Something in his tone, the look he is giving you, like he’s begging, almost a sweet-talking declaration. It’s catching your breath somewhere in your throat.

You could run.

You should.

You should turn right back around, disappear into the night, and leave him standing there, shirtless and confused and worried.

But you hold his gaze for just one long and heavy beat, then exhale shakily, shoulders dropping slightly.

“Okay,” you say weakly.

Bucky nods determined and taps his fingers against the windowsill, before rushing away, leaving the window wide open.

And you stand there hating yourself for waiting.

Hating yourself for hoping.

Technically, you could just leave.

Take a different route to Nat’s apartment, slip into the dark veins of the city where his voice wouldn’t reach, and let him walk out onto an empty sidewalk with his hair still tousled from another woman’s fingers and the taste of someone else’s lips still lingering on his own.

You could make him feel just a fraction of what you feel, with something hollow pressing up against his ribs when he finds nothing but cold pavement where you used to stand.

But you don’t.

You know you won’t.

Because it wouldn’t just frustrate him. It would hurt him.

And that’s the one thing you could never bring yourself to do.

Not Bucky.

Never Bucky.

You know him. The way he chews at the inside of his cheek when he’s trying not to say something reckless. The way his brows pull just a little too tight when he’s agitated but trying to play it off like he is fine. The way he folds his arms over his chest, not because he’s closed off, but because he needs something to hold onto.

You know exactly how he would react if he stepped out here and you weren’t there.

How the slight crease between his brows would deepen. How his fingers would twitch, opening and closing, like he’d missed his chance to catch you. How his lips would open and he would stare helplessly around and call your name.

And god, as much as this pain is devouring you from the inside out, pushing its way into the light but leaving you sitting in the dark, as much as your heart feels like being torn apart with unsaid words and unmet confessions - you cannot stand the thought of hurting him.

So you stay.

With feet planted on the concrete, fists clenched so hard, that your fingers start to cramp. You lift your trembling hands to your aching cheeks to hastily scrub away the fresh wave of tears surging forth downwards, willing your body to erase any evidence of your devastation.

But the more you wipe, the more it hurts.

You believe your cheeks are red from the effort of wiping so much, eyes swollen and puffy, your body trying to rebel against all of your commands.

Inhaling shakily, you force the breath down, down, down where you can pretend it doesn’t hurt so much. You angle your face slightly away from the building, hoping the dim spill of moonlight won’t betray your inner struggles.

Because the moment Bucky steps out that door, it will be the same as always.

He’ll look at you like you are his best friend. Like you are his safe place. Like you are the person he can always count on.

And you will look at him like you aren’t falling apart.

Like your heart isn’t unraveling at the seams.

Like you aren’t drowning in a love that will never be returned.

The door swings open with a force that startles you, the sound of it hitting the frame a little too sharp against the night.

Bucky storms out onto the sidewalk like he’s got something urgent to say, like the world might stop spinning if he doesn’t get to you fast enough. He doesn’t hesitate. Doesn’t pause. Just moves straight to you, his steps quick, closing the space before you can change your mind about standing here. He has a crumpled shirt thrown on and it hangs a little off. But it makes you want to run so hard.

His fingers wrap around your arms, not hard, not forceful but firm.

Those warm hands on you make you want to crumble.

His breath is coming fast, chest rising and falling, like he ran down the staircase to get here as fast as possible.

His eyes are so deep, deep and blue, roaming your face with so much intensity, searching and scanning and pausing.

Shadows cast over his sharp cheekbones at the way his brows are furrowed, his lips slightly parted.

“What’s going on, doll? You been cryin’?” His voice comes out rough and he talks fast. Urgent, breaths spilling over themselves as he rushed through the words, almost tripping on them in his desperation to get them out. “Why’ve you been crying? What happened?”

His thumb twitches against the fabric of your hoodie.

You open your mouth, close it again. Your throat is dry from the sobs you tried to silence earlier. You shake your head, a knee-jerk reaction.

“I was just going to Nat’s, Bucky. Nothing happened.”

It’s a weak excuse, said in a weak voice.

And you hate how it makes Bucky’s expression shift. That tiny wounded something that crosses his features, something that shouldn’t be there, because you did wait for him, you didn’t leave, but it’s still not enough. You lied to him. And he knows it. And he’s hurt. And you hate yourself.

He shakes his head, his jaw going tight.

“No,” he murmurs, eyes never leaving you, voice so low. “That ain’t nothin’, doll. C’mon. You’re runnin’ off in the middle of the night, how could this be nothing?”

You look away. Because if you keep looking at him, him with his concern and confusion and hurt all interflowing in the pool of those blue eyes, you won’t be able to hold yourself together much longer.

You swallow hard and force yourself to breathe slowly.

The sting behind your eyes is never really leaving you.

Bucky leans in, just a little. His grip on your arms tightens, but it’s not harsh. Only insistent. Desperate for you to give him something here.

“Somethin’ up with Natasha?” His voice is gentle, like he knows this has nothing to do with her, but he has to ask anyway to go through all the possible options of what might be going on.

“No,” you croak, barely managing the word.

He softens at the sound of it, but that frown doesn’t ease.

“What’re you doing then, huh? Why’re you running off like that? S’ not safe, you know that.” His voice is soft. Almost like he’s trying to soothe a skittish animal. But the concern is wrapping around every word. “What’s got you so upset, sweetheart? Talk to me, yeah? Please?”

His voice takes on a desperate intensity. Like he’s begging you to just let him in. To make him understand.

You bite down hard on your bottom lip, willing it not to tremble, willing your face not to crumble right in front of him, but the air is too thick for your airway, making it harder and harder to breathe.

And Bucky is looking at you, like you are breaking his goddamn heart. Like you took a shot straight for it.

He is so full of worry, it looks painful, the crease of his brow always there when he’s thinking too hard, when he’s feeling too hard. His lips are still parted, like he wants to beg for an explanation, for some string of words that will make this all click into place and turn this into something fixable.

Because Bucky Barnes fixes things.

But this might be the only thing he can’t fix.

His hands on you are a contrast to the way you feel as if you’re falling apart. You hate how much you just want to collapse into it, to let yourself lean into him, let him hold you up. Because he would. You know he would. He would pull you in without hesitation, wrap his arms around you like he has done so many times before.

But you don’t want him to hold you. Don’t want him to hold you like a friend.

You want him to hold you like he means it. Like you mean something more than the sum of all the nights you spent choking on your own silence, swallowing words you could never say.

So all you can do is stay frozen, bones locked, eyes burning, heart splitting itself open in the middle of the street where he doesn’t even know he’s killing you.

“I-”

You try. You really try.

But then the door swings open again. And the sound of it alone is enough to send a bolt of ice down your spine.

Because this time it’s her walking out.

She steps out onto the sidewalk like she has every right to be a part of this moment.

Like she hasn’t spent the first part of the night in Bucky’s bed. Like she hasn’t been touched by him, kissed by him, fucked by him, wanted by him in a way that you have only ever ached for.

Like she hasn’t taken something that was never hers to have.

But it’s not yours either.

She looks so composed, too. More put together than you would have imagined. Her hair smoothed, clothes adjusted, skin glowing in a way that tells you she wasn’t just sleeping up there - she was living in something you’ve been dying for. She probably took a moment in your bathroom to check herself, to fix her lipstick, maybe even to admire herself in the mirror while you were downstairs, breaking apart.

She had the time for that.

Meanwhile, you can barely stand.

Your body is alive with magnitudes of unspoken things, suffocating. You feel like you’ve been sanded down, like a piece of wood, leaving nothing but the ache and longing and all the words you can’t say. This destruction is slow and ruthless, it doesn’t come with an explosion, but rather a slow erasure.

Like you’re being unmade. Piece by piece.

Like you were never meant to be here in the first place.

And Bucky is still looking at you.

Not at her.

You.

And maybe that should be enough. Maybe it should mean something.

But it just puts more pressure on the knife that is already turning around in your flesh.

The girl doesn’t leave and Bucky stiffens.

“Bucky,” she drawls, almost lazy, like she’s bored with this already. “Are you coming back up, or…?”

Your stomach lurches.

You feel exposed, scraped raw, like you’ve been trampled over, flattened by something massive, left behind for everyone else to step around.

Bucky lets out a slow breath through his nose. His jaw works under pressure. And then, he huffs. Annoyed. Like she’s interrupting something important.

“Go home,” he flatly tells her, his attention still on you. Not even addressing her with a name. Perhaps he doesn’t even know it.

“Seriously?” she scoffs, crossing her arms. Her eyes flick between the two of you.

Bucky exhales another breath and drops one of his arms from you to scrub it over his face, pushing through his hair. He turns toward her just a little, stance rigid.

“Yeah, seriously,” he mutters, already turning back to you. “I’ll call you a cab if you need-”

“God, you’re such a dick,” she snaps, cutting him off, rolling her eyes with an exasperated huff. “Unbelievable.”

And then she’s gone.

But so are you.

You don’t even think about it. You just move.

Your arm slips from Bucky’s loosened grip, your body already shifting, already turning, already pulling you down the sidewalk, away from him, away from this.

It’s pathetic. You know this. But you have to get away.

Your vision is a blur, the streetlights smearing into a soft, hazy glow against the wetness welling in your eyes, and no matter how much you try to breathe through it, it’s too much. Simply too much.

You’re hurting. And you need to go. Now.

But Bucky doesn’t let you.

“Woah, whoah, hey!” His voice is quick, rushed, and then he is moving, closing the space between you. And this time, he cuts you off completely, stepping right into your path, right in front of you, blocking the way like a wall. He’s so broad in front of you, and so fucking present, making it impossible to escape.

You stop so fast it almost sends you stumbling back.

His eyes flick over you so quickly, so intensely, scanning for something he doesn’t understand but is so desperate to find.

“Alright,” he exhales, low and careful, holding his arms out as if ready to stop you again if you make a run for it.

“You want me to put you in chains to keep you still?”It’s a weak and failed attempt at humor.

And it’s not funny. Not even close.

His voice is too thin, too strained, and there is something in his eyes, something tight and aching, that makes it clear he is not even trying all that hard to make his joke work.

You don’t smile. Don’t look at him. Arms still around yourself.

Bucky’s throat bobs as he swallows, as he shifts his weight, as he lets out another slow and deliberate breath. He moves so slow. As if any tiny movement of him would make you walk away from him.

“What’s going on with you, mhm?” His voice is so soft. So concerned. Brooklyn warmth and worry combined with something gentler than you can handle right now.

“What’s this - this fight-or-flight thing you got goin’ on?” he continues, tilting his head just slightly, watching you too closely, reading too much. “You’re rushing off like the damn place is on fire. The hell is that about, doll?” Still so soft. So cautious.

His eyes are on you like you are the only thing in the world that matters, like he’s trying to solve you, like if he just looks long enough, he’ll figure it out.

But if he really understood, if he really found out, everything between you would change.

And you can’t handle that. You can’t handle anything at the moment.

“Just drop it, Bucky, alright?” It comes out sharper than you mean for it to. Harsher. A little spit of venom that you hate yourself for the second it hits the air. He doesn’t deserve your attitude. But you can’t hold it back.

You see the way it lands. The way his brows pull in tighter, the way his lips press together, the way his chest rises and falls so measured. But it’s all not out of irritation. He just tries to figure out where that came from. What is happening. What has you react the way you do.

His voice is even and calm. But oh so careful. “I don’t think I will, doll.”

You look anywhere than at him and his troubled face.

Your throat tightens so fast, you have to swallow hard against it, teeth digging into the inside of your cheek as you blink up at the sky like maybe that keeps the tears from spilling over.

And Bucky watches all of that.

His expression stays soft, but his eyes are burning with something deep, something real, something that makes you feel like you might actually drown if you keep looking at them for too long.

“Y/n,” he almost whispers, and it sounds so pained. “Why are you crying, sweetheart.” He’s so gentle, so tender, so fucking careful like he’s afraid that if he pushes too hard, you’ll just break.

You shake your head, arms around yourself tightening. “I’m fine.”

Bucky makes a quiet noise in his throat, somewhere between a sigh and a scoff, something deep and disbelieving.

“See, that’s bullshit.”

You’re about to turn again, but he anticipates and gets hold of your arms.

“Look,” he sighs, heedfully taking off a hand of you to rub it down his face. “You don’t wanna talk? Fine. You wanna bite my head off cause I’m askin’? Fine. But don’t stand here and tell me you’re okay. Because I’ve got eyes, doll, and I can see that you’re not.”

You want him to stop.

You want him to turn around.

You want him to leave you here to fall apart in peace.

But he won’t.

And you don’t know what to do with that.

And you break.

No matter how hard you bite your lip, it doesn’t matter.

The tears slip and streak down your face before there is anything you can do. A sob follows. You can’t choke it down. Your shoulders shake, your breath stutters, and your face tilts towards the ground as you bring trembling hands up to wipe at your cheeks, in a futile and desperate attempt to regain composure. It’s useless.

You feel so pathetic.

Embarrassed. Ashamed that you ran off like this. That you’re standing here, crying in the middle of the night, on a sidewalk with no explanation, making a fool of yourself in front of him.

And the second your face crumbles, his does, too.

The second your breath hitches, he is moving.

Strong arms envelope you, winding tight, pulling you straight into his chest like he doesn’t even need to think about it. Not for a single second.

You let him.

Because it’s either this, or you’ll collapse down onto the asphalt.

His grip is firm, grounding, warm in a way that makes you ache even more. His hand cradles the back of your head, tucking you against him, and you feel the press of his lips there, gentle, but somehow rough.

Like your pain is his own.

“It’s okay. Shh… it’s okay,” he breathes, pained and low, the words pressed into your hair, into your skin. Making space between your ribs. “Oh, doll.” He presses you tighter to him. His hand brushes over your hair. “It’s okay.”

There is something so deep and aching in the way he talks to you, like the sound of his own voice hurts him. Like you hurt him.

His other hand moves over your back, soothingly, trying to give you some strength.

“I gotcha,” he breathes. “M’here, doll. Okay? Just breathe. Gotta breathe for me, baby. Please.”

It’s a slip. Baby. A mistake.

And it makes you cry harder.

Because it’s so soft. Gentle. Because it falls from his lips like something that’s always been there, something that’s always belonged to you.

Except it hasn’t.

It doesn’t.

Not in the way you want.

You don’t know what he calls those girls he takes home. If they get to hear him say it. Girls who have felt his hands in places you never will. Girls who have heard his voice rasp against their skin in the dark.

But you are not one of those girls.

You never will be.

And you know you will never be able to untangle that damaging wrench in your stomach.

So hearing him call you that. Baby. Like it means something. Like it’s yours. Like it hasn’t been whispered in the dim glow of your apartment, murmured against someone else’s lips, someone else’s skin, just someone else just hours ago.

It’s too hard. too cruel.

You wish it didn’t matter. You wish it didn’t rip through you the way it does, splitting you down the center, carving you open.

But it does.

Because even if it doesn’t belong to you, you still want it.

So you cry harder.

Sobs wrack through you, your chest hitching with the force of them, your hands gripping the fabric of his shirt, clumping it in your fists.

Bucky feels it and he hears it and he grips you tighter, pulls you closer.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he coos, voice just above a whisper, more desperate now. Like he’s drowning in your hurt right along with you.

“Sweetheart,” he tries again, voice strained, thick. His lips are in your hair. “Please talk to me. Make me understand, baby, please! Tell me what’s wrong.”

But you can’t.

Because what the hell would you even say?

That you’re in love with him?

That you’ve been in love with him?

That seeing him with her - hearing the sounds that bleed through the walls, the ones you’ll never be able to unhear - feels like being skinned alive?

That you want him in a way you shouldn’t?

That you want him in a way he will never want you back?

You won’t.

So instead, you just press yourself harder into his chest and squeeze your eyes shut, letting him hold you like you are something precious. Like you are his. Even if you are not.

“Help me understand here, baby. Please,” he repeats with a voice so soft, that makes him seem afraid you might break apart completely if he speaks any louder.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe you’re already in pieces at his feet, shattered beyond repair, and he just hasn’t realized it yet.

He lets you cry when you don’t answer, hand stroking up and down your back, the other soothing over your head. He whispers into your hair, words you can’t even process, just the deep cadence of him, the low rasp of his voice against your temple.

His lips move to your forehead, brushing over it. His breath is warm against your skin. You don’t have it in you to pull away, but you wish you would.

Because none of this makes it any easier.

Because his hands feel too good, too steady, too right - and it’s a lie.

Because it’s him.

And that means it hurts.

You wish he would just go and let you have your pathetic heartbreak alone.

But Bucky Barnes has never been the kind of a guy to leave things unsolved.

He pulls back just slightly after a while, just enough to get a better look at you, and when you try to duck your head, to keep him from seeing too much, he doesn’t let you.

Strong, warm fingers cradle your face, thumbs brushing over the damp skin of your cheeks, tilting your head up and forcing your gaze to his.

He looks wrecked.

His brows are drawn, lips parted, chest rising and falling unevenly. His hands tremble just a little against your skin, but his grip stays firm. Solid.

“Don’t look away, doll. Eyes on me, yeah?”

You swallow hard, jaw tight. “You just ruined your good night,” you say, the words falling out bitter, self-deprecating, stiff with something that tastes like resentment but feels like heartbreak.

Bucky’s frown deepens, his lips pressing together, eyes scanning over your face like he’s searching for something, anything that’ll make this make sense.

“The hell I did,” he scoffs, shaking his head. Confused you even brought this up. “I don’t give a shit about her. Don’t even know her name, if I’m bein’ honest.” He lets out a huffed laugh.

But you don’t.

Because somehow this makes it worse.

And you hate it.

You hate that some part of you wanted her to mean something.

Because if she meant something, if she was special, then at least this ache in your chest would have a name. A reason. A shape you could hold in trembling hands and squeeze so hard that it stops hurting at one point.

Then, at least, you could maybe finally accept that there is no hope. No reason to hold on to those feelings.

But Bucky just shrugs.

It meant nothing. It never meant anything. Not with them.

Not with the girls that come and go, the ones who pass through his nights in the same easy way the hours do - fleeting, ephemeral, touched, and forgotten.

Not with anyone. Not even with you.

You have spent so long feeling this, holding onto it, trying to keep it hidden beneath layers of friendship and longing and careful restraint. You have spent so long pretending that it is fine, that it doesn’t matter, that you can live like this - on the sidelines, just the girl in the other room, in the shadows, in the spaces between what you want and what you’re allowed to have.

And he stands here and looks you in the eyes, telling you that it is nothing. That she is nothing. That they - all of them before her, and all of them after her - are nothing.

You can barely breathe past it.

You don’t say anything.

And Bucky freezes.

His hands, where they cup your face, stop their soft, absentminded strokes. His thumbs, which had been tracing reassuring circles along your cheekbones halt. His breath catches and his eyes shift.

There is something uncertain in there.

And then, his lips part. His brows go up ever so slightly. His pupils flare.

Something settles over his expression that you don’t recognize.

Like a switch has been flipped.

Like a puzzle piece has clicked into place.

Like suddenly he is seeing something in your eyes, something like an answer, something that has been there all along.

His fingers tighten, anchoring himself. Making it seem that if he lets go, if he moves even a fraction, something will break. In him, or you, you’re not sure.

He pulls back. Not far. Just an inch. But he needs to see you better. Just enough to search your face for something he needs to know. His gaze locks onto yours and holds you there, testing something, making sure.

His voice is hushed when he talks. Breathless.

“Is that what this is about?”

It’s quiet, the way he says it. Like he’s afraid of it. Like he’s careful with it. There is disbelief on his face. Astonishment.

You shake your head too fast, too sharp, like if you deny it hard enough, it’ll erase the way he’s looking at you right now. That it’ll undo the meaning of his words and the way they sit between you. Something fragile on the verge of breaking.

“No,” you say, but it barely comes out, barely sounds convincing. Your voice is hoarse, scraped raw form holding back everything you don’t want to say. Your lungs refuse to work in sync with the rest of you. You swallow, eyes darting away, grasping for something to latch onto.

But Bucky doesn’t let you.

“Doll…” It comes like a sigh. Weightless and soft. His hands don’t drop from your face, don’t loosen, don’t give you the space you’re so desperately trying to carve out between you. If anything, his grip grows more robust. Just enough to keep you there.

“Hey. Look at me.” His tone is low, carrying the kind of warmth you’d usually like to lean into, but now all you want is to get away from it. You don’t want to meet those stormy blues.

Bucky’s thumbs are sweeping, so feather-light, over the curve of your jaw, smoothing along the damp trail of your tears, and his voice dips even lower. Softer. He is so close.

“C’mon, sweetheart. Give me somethin’ here.”

It’s not fair that he gets to call you all those sweet names like he means them. Like you mean something. Like it’s not the same word he probably called her and all those others who got to have him, even if only for a night.

“I don’t-” you try, but your voice is trembling and thick with tears, and Bucky’s gaze shadows.

“Don’t what?” he coaxes, leaning in just a little, close enough that his breath skims your skin, warm and stable in a way you aren’t. His fingers slightly move against your cheeks, as if resisting the urge to pull you closer.

You shake your head again, your hands wrapping around his wrists - not to push him away exactly, but to have something to hold onto. You have no idea what to say.

“It’s- It’s not-” Your words trip over themselves, stuck somewhere between your throat and your ribs, tangled up in everything you’ve never let yourself say.

But Bucky just watches you, unreadable things swirling in those impossibly blue eyes. Wary things. Still so damn careful.

He exhales and his hands slide down, skimming the column of your throat, settling against the curve of your neck like he’s grounding you. Holding you both together.

“Doll,” he sighs, and it’s too much.

It’s not teasing. It’s not playful. It’s not easy. Not the charming lilt he likes to throw in his tone.

It’s vulnerable. Tender. Substantial.

“You’re breakin’ my heart here.”

And that’s what has another tear slip over your lashes.

Because you’re breaking his heart?

What does that even mean?

You were the one trying to escape the heartache he caused and now he tells you it’s his heart that hurts?

“Please,” he whispers, and his voice is wrecked, gravel thick in his throat. “Just tell me, doll. Tell me what I did. Tell me so I can fix it.”

His lips stay parted, trying to find air, trying to find some kind of solid ground. There is a sheen over his eyes.

“I can’t-” Your voice cracks, but you don’t look away this time. His hands won’t let you. He won’t let you.

His eyes are pleading.

“Can’t what, sweetheart?” he urges, dipping closer, voice just a rasp of sound between you. His thumbs wipe away the new tears and he winces while doing it as if it actually causes him pain that they fell.

The streetlight flickers above. It casts shadows across his face, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the tight pull of his mouth. His fingers flex against your face.

“Is it-” he starts, then stops, then starts again, throat bobbing and voice rough and hesitant. “Is it those girls?”

A shallow gasp slips from your lips. Fractured and tripping over something unseen. Your shoulders grow stiff.

You can’t answer. You only shake your head, not in denial, not in confirmation, but in something else, something tired and so fucking done with feeling like this.

You try to pull back, try to slip free from the heat of his palms, try to turn away. Another tear drops onto the back of his hand.

Your reaction must be answer enough.

Bucky’s head, Bucky’s hands, Bucky’s eyes, Bucky’s whole body - everything is moving so much, keeping you from slipping away, reaching for you, not letting you go.

A breath. A pause. Like his brain needs an extra moment to process what this all could mean. His breath catches in his throat and you can feel the exact moment he gets it.

The exact moment he realizes.

“Shit,” he breathes, so quiet you almost miss it. His grip tightens. It grows distressed. Despairing. Keeping you from leaving his hold, although you don’t stop trying.

You sob and his hands press into your cheeks, thumbs smoothing away tears like he can erase this, like maybe if he holds you tight enough, he can go back five minutes, five months, five years, to a time before he made you feel like this.

“Shit, doll, I-” His voice breaks, gravel and regret and anguish - and something so painful - landing with every syllable.

You don’t stop trying to pull back, trying to push him away. You can’t talk. You can’t stop crying. You can’t look at him.

But Bucky is devastated. And he is desperate. And he won’t let you go.

“No, no, don’t - please, Y/n, don’t.” He runs through his words, frantically getting them out, frantically trying to make you look at him.

He reaches your face again and holds on like it’s important. Your tears won’t stop falling. A whimper falls from your lips when you realize he won’t let you leave.

Bucky panics.

His swallow seems to hurt him. Everything he does seems to hurt him.

“Oh, sweetheart - fuck, fuck, I didn’t-” He lets out a rough breath, one of his hands letting go of you to scrub over his face, pushing through his hair in frustration.

Not at you.

At himself.

“Doll, I didn’t - Jesus Christ, I didn’t know.”

It comes out hoarse, scraped down to nothing but feeling. Each word drags from his throat like sandpaper against silence. Coarse and raspy.

And then he’s shaking his head, hands sliding to your shoulders, his hold firm, his eyes darting over your face like he is trying to memorize it, searching for the right words in the curve of your lips, the glisten of your tears, the way your breathing is a single shuddering mess.

“I didn’t - fuck, I didn’t mean-”

He seems to hold back a scream.

Sucking in another sharp breath, he squeezes his eyes shut like he’s in pain, angry at himself, wanting to go back and rewrite everything, tear out every page where he made you feel like you were anything but his.

You wish you could believe it.

“Bucky-” you croak out.

“No, don’t-” His head doesn’t stop shaking. His jaw is clenched tight. Hands shaking against you. “Don’t say my name like that.”

“Like what?” Your voice is whisper-thin.

His breath shudders out, and when his eyes meet yours again, they are so earnest. Glossy with a sheen of tears.

“Like it’s over.”

Your throat closes around your next breath, never making it reach your lungs.

Because what is he saying? Nothing ever had the chance to be anything.

“I didn’t know, doll,” he whispers, voice breaking. “I swear to God, I didn’t know. You gotta believe me, I - fuck, I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted you to feel like- I didn’t think you’d-”

He cuts himself off, voice choking.

His hands drop suddenly, like he doesn’t even deserve to hold you anymore. Like the guilt is weighing them down.

And then, unsure and hesitantly, he lifts one of them again and pauses before cupping your face, waiting for something - permission, maybe, or just a sign that you won’t pull away this time.

When you don’t, when you just keep standing there, frozen and broken and bewildered, he lets his palm settle warm against your cheek, his thumb brushing so lightly it sends a shiver down your back.

“Tell me how to fix it. Tell me I can,” he pleads, like he means it. Like he would do anything. “Tell me what to do, baby. Anything. I’d do anything. Just gotta tell me. Please,” he chokes out.

Cars roll past you. There are voices in the distance. A neon sign flickers. But none of it touches this.

This thing between you.

Bucky’s hand shakes against your cheek. His breath stirs against your skin so ragged and he leans in. His forehead presses to yours, his body curling toward you like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, just needing to be close.

“I���m so sorry,” he gasps out. “God, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Never have you seen Bucky like this. He keeps things easy, keeps things light, and shrugs off pain like it never quite reaches him. But it does now.

It consumes him.

His fingers curl at the back of your neck, not pulling, just holding, grounding himself against you. And when you continue standing there, breath shaky, tears still trembling in your lashes, his whole body sags.

His chest heaves with a breath so deep it sounds like it’s costing him something.

“I never meant for this to happen. Please, believe me.”

His forehead presses harder to yours, seemingly trying to press his words straight into you, that maybe if he gets close enough you’ll feel how much he means them.

And you do. You just don’t know what the hell is going on.

He lets out a sound that resembles a sob. And then you feel the damp heat of a tear where his face brushes against yours.

Bucky is crying.

It breaks you. You don’t know what to do with all this pain. His and yours. Don’t know how to ever let it go.

You pull back. Just slightly. Just enough to breathe, to think, to process.

But Bucky’s whole body tenses, and his eyes squeeze shut as if he knew it was coming but it still pains him. Bracing himself for something he already knows is going to hurt. His hands drop to his sides.

And maybe that should give you some kind of satisfaction, a tiny sense of justice for the nights you spent lying awake, wondering if you meant anything to him while he had his hands on someone else.

But it doesn’t.

Because the way he is looking at you, when he cracks his eyes open again, when he meets your gaze with so much open ache, makes your chest hurt. It makes something inside of you quake.

“Bucky,” you start, but your own voice is so small, so lost. You shake your head, scanning his face, trying to piece it together, to make sense of something that refuses to fit. How the tables have turned. You just can’t seem to find the irony in it. “What are you even - I don’t - I don’t I understand.”

His throat bobs, thick and tight, and he pulls in a breath like it’s the last one he’s going to get.

“I love you.”

Your mind blanks. You flatline. Your knees go weak.

He says it like it’s the simplest thing to say. As if it is the most obvious thing in the world. But it isn’t.

Because if it was then why has he spent all those nights with those seemingly meaningless girls. Why has he let you ache for him while he touched someone else.

“I love you,” he says again, softer, trying to make sure you believe it.

But you don’t know how to.

Your lips part, but nothing comes out. You feel the words, heavy and warm and terrifying, but your body doesn’t know what to do with them. Your mind is screaming at you to run, to protect yourself, to build the walls back up before it’s too late, but your heart doesn’t listen.

Bucky’s hand trembles when it reaches for you, fingertips ghosting over your jaw, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to pull away.

You don’t and he steps closer again.

His whole body thrums as if he is scared to touch you but more scared not to. He looks at you with those red-rimmed and puffy eyes, so tremendously bare, holding onto your own eyes like he is drowning and you are the only thing keeping him afloat.

“Say something, doll,” he pleads, his voice so unsteady, that it guts you.

But what could you say?

Because love is not supposed to feel like this, to hurt like this. It isn’t supposed to feel like your heart has been split open and stitched back together all in the same breath.

But looking at him and at the way his eyes are just as pleading as his words, at the way he is breaking right in front of you - it makes you wonder if maybe it was hurting him all along, too.

“You-” you begin, voice barely more than a whisper. You have to stop, have to pull in a breath that doesn’t seem to want to settle, have to force your hands to stay at your sides instead of reaching for something - for him - that you don’t know if you can take. “But that-” Another inhale, sharp and broken. Your chest hurts. Your whole body hurts. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Bucky exhales, long and slow and then he drops his head. Shoulders slumping, spine curling, like something inside of him, has just given out.

Guilt.

It sits heavy in his frame, in the set of his jaw, in the way his hands jerk like he wants to touch you but knows he shouldn’t.

“Yeah,” he mutters, a humorless little laugh escaping, barely more than a breath. He drags a hand down his face, through his hair, before letting it fall uselessly at his side. His voice is lower when he speaks again, raspier, weighed down by something that feels an awful lot like regret. “I know.”

You watch him, waiting. Because he owes you this. Because he cracked open something you weren’t ready for, something you tried to bury, and now you need to understand.

And Bucky must feel that. Because after a beat, after a deep, shuddering breath, he looks at you again.

“I didn’t think I could have you,” he admits, voice quiet. Cautious. The words fragile in his mouth. “Didn’t think I was allowed to even want you. To this extent, anyway.”

Air enters you unevenly, shaking on the way in like a shiver made of sound. “Bucky-”

“You’re my best friend,” he pushes on, stepping in just a fraction, like he can’t help himself. His voice is getting rougher, rawer, like something in him is unwinding too fast for him to stop it. “I didn’t wanna mess that up, y’know? Didn’t wanna lose you over somethin’ I couldn’t control.”

Something tightens in your chest. Something shifts.

“So you-” you swallow, shaking your head, trying to put it together, trying to make sense of it. “So you just went around to go get yourself other girls you can fuck?”

Bucky flinches. Actually flinches.

Gaze dropping in shame, his features form a grimace. “I tried,” he croaks out, gesturing at his chest with one hand. “Tried to stop feeling like this. Tried to move on, tried to-” He exhales sharply, tilting his head side to side, something torn playing out with the movement. “It didn’t work. Nothin’ worked. Didn’t even make it easier. But I was afraid to face it. Really face it. So I just kept going.”

It hurts.

It hurts in a way you don’t know how to hold. Don’t know how to carry.

You thought, for so long, that the way you love him, ache for him, is a one-sided agony.

But he is confessing to you, eyes red and weary, voice splintering, telling you that he’s been afraid to speak it aloud too.

That he loves you, that he tried to kill it, that he thought losing himself in someone else would somehow erase you from his mind.

Bucky’s words are a fist curling around your ribs, squeezing the air from your lungs.

It should matter. It should mean something that he’s standing in front of you, breaking apart, pleading for you to understand. Shouldn’t it be enough that he’s telling you it was always you? That no one else ever came close?

But he still touched them.

Still chose them, even if only for a meaningless night.

While you sat in your room, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you were going insane. While you clenched your fists so tight beneath your sheets at night, biting your tongue, swallowing it down, because Bucky is your friend and friends don’t ache like this.

And yet, he is telling you, showing you, he aches too.

But instead of sitting with it, instead of letting it consume him the way it consumed you, he tried to make it disappear.

He tried to fuck it away.

And now he looks at you like you are the only thing that has ever mattered, like the ground beneath his feet, is unsteady, like he is afraid you are going to bolt at any second.

You feel like the ground beneath your feet shits a fraction of an inch, not enough to send you falling, but enough to make you question if you were ever standing solid in the first place.

“But, doll, it-” he rushes forward, watching your pain, stepping into your space until there is barely anything between you. “It never meant anything. Swear to god, none of ‘em ever meant something to me.” His hands wrap around yours, squeezing, grounding, begging. “They weren’t you. Couldn’t be you. Didn’t matter how hard I tried, how many times I told myself to stop thinking about you because you’re supposed to be my best friend, but I wanted so much more than that - it didn’t matter. Nothin’ worked.”

He is struggling to force the words out, but he does. And they leave him with a catch in his voice. Faltering.

“I thought about you, sweetheart. Every fuckin’ time.” His voice turns frantic and he leans in to make it convince you. He watches your lips tremble and shakes his head quickly. “Thought about how you’d feel. How you’d sound.”

Your breath stalls.

Bucky swallows, taking a quick pause but continuing, voice growing softer. Lower. Reverent. “Tried to picture you instead. How you’d look under me, wrapped around me. So goddamn beautiful.” His voice cracks. “But it wasn’t you. And I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it.”

He stumbles over his words, afraid of saying too much, of pushing too far, or admitting too much - but it doesn’t stop hurting.

Even if you know it might not be fair.

But the thought of him with them, the thought of his hands gripping someone else’s skin, his lips murmuring something soft against someone else’s throat - it makes you sick.

And he sees it.

You try to blink back another wave of tears.

His hands are on your face again, thumbs swiping furiously at your damp cheeks like he can rub the hurt away.

“Please tell me I didn’t ruin this.” His voice cracks through the words, the panic breaking through. Your silence seems to suffocate him, squeezing his ribs until there is no space left for air.

“I’m so sorry, baby! I wish I could take it all back. I would.” His bottom lip trembles and he bites down on it before continuing. “Tell me I can fix this. There’s gotta be somethin’ I can do. Anything.”

You blink rapidly, vision swimming, breath hiccuping in your throat. You don’t know if there is anything to fix, if there was ever anything there, to begin with, but he is looking at you like there was. Like there is. Like it is still hanging in the air between you, waiting to be caught, waiting to be named.

And you want to catch it. To press it to your heart and cherish it.

But the wounds are fresh. Still bleeding. Still open.

The images you conjured up in your mind, him with all those girls. The sounds of him bringing one after the other home - the routine.

The giggling. The keys. The apartment door. More giggling. His chuckles. The hallway. His bedroom door. The goodbyes. The mornings.

But worst of all is that you can’t even blame him.

Because what was he supposed to do? Wait for something that was never promised? Hold out hope for something that was never offered?

You had no claim on him.

But still, you hate how he tried to fuck you out of his system. Hate that he couldn’t, that he’s standing here now, telling you it was all for nothing, that you were always in his head, in his bones, and that that somehow is supposed to make it better.

You don’t know if it does now. But you hope - you hope so dearly - that it will get better. If he’ll stick with you.

“No more girls.” The words choke out of you, weak and broken, barely a breath. But he jolts like you have screamed them.

“Never,” he breathes immediately, shaking his head as if to get rid of his own images, gripping you tighter, his thumbs pressing into your cheeks, his eyes burning through yours. “No more, baby. No one else. Not ever.”

Your breath catches, body sways.

There is a burn behind your ribs, not quite pain, but not far from it. It is something that pulses in time with your heartbeat. Too quick. Too uneven.

“Only you,” he adds, his forehead dropping to yours, noses brushing, his breath warm against your lips, his hands trembling where they hold you. “It’s only ever been you.”

Heat rises up your throat, something between nausea and electricity, a burst of too much all at once.

“I got a lot to make up for.” His tone is unraveling at the seams. But it sounds firmer now. Convicted. “I know that. I know I- fuck, I screwed this up before I even knew I had a chance. And that’s on me.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, because it’s too much - his voice, his touch, the way he is looking at you like you hung the damn moon when you’ve spent years feeling invisible to him in the way that mattered.

“I don’t wanna rush this, alright?”

You blink up at him. Your chest feels stretched too tight, as if the ribs themselves are holding onto something they shouldn’t, something too large, something too consuming.

“I don’t wanna mess this up more than I already have. I don’t wanna push or expect anythin’ from you - I just wanna do this right. For you.” His voice wavers on the last word, still scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of losing something he only just realized he had. “You understand me?”

You nod wordlessly. Almost feeling hypnotized by him. His eyes are so intense. So full.

“I’ve been waitin’ for this, hopin’ for this - Christ, I don’t even know how long.”

Your stomach flips, something curling in your stomach at the heaviness of his confession, at the realization that you weren’t alone in this. Maybe never have been.

“And now that it’s happenin’ - now that I have you, even if I don’t deserve it - I wanna take my time. I wanna make this good for you. Have to. I have to make this right,” he says, voice filled with something gravelly, rough like something barely holding together.

His fingers slide over your jaw, tracing along the column of your throat, memorizing the feel of you beneath his hands.

“And I hate-” his voice falters, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before he forces himself to look at you again. “I hate that it’s happening like this. That I hurt you first. That I didn’t see this sooner.”

“Bucky-”

He cuts you off with his eyes and a shake of his head.

“Please I- I gotta do this. Gotta say this, baby.”

You nod.

He closes his eyes again for a moment like he wants to go back and shake his past self by the shoulders, tell him to wake the hell up and stop hurting the one girl he ever cared about.

He continues, voice hoarse. “I would do anything to make this different. Better. The way you deserve.”

Your breath is shallow, not quite catching, but hovering just short of where it should be, as if your body can’t decide whether to brace itself for collapse.

You’ve spent so long breaking for him, wanting him in ways he never seemed to want you back. But now he is pouring his heart out and asking for something he already has but isn’t sure he is worthy of.

“You don’t gotta say anythin’ right now, doll,” Bucky whispers. Afraid of scaring you off. “I know I shoulda told you sooner.” He grimaces, disgusted with himself. “I shoulda known sooner. I was so fuckin’ stupid. So fuckin’ blind.”

You don’t even notice you started leaning further into him.

Bucky stares at you for a moment. You look back.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says quietly. Whispers really. He exhales shakily and you feel the breath fan along your cheeks. “But I swear to God, I will.”

You don’t weigh the hurt against the want, don’t let the war in your head talk you out of your next move.

Your hands reach up, curling into the fabric of his shirt and before he can say anything else - before he can tear himself apart further - you kiss him.

And for a split second, Bucky freezes.

Not believing this is happening, not expecting it even after everything he just told you.

But then, he exhales this soft and quivering breath against your lips, relief knocking the air out of his lungs.

One hand flies to your waist, pulling you in, the other threading into your hair. He kisses you back like he is starving, like he has been dying for this, like he can’t believe you are real and this moment is something he’s imagined a thousand times but never thought he’d get to have.

And he is so warm. So solid. His lips move against yours, soft and slow at first - savoring you, afraid to go too fast, to push too much. But when you let out a little sigh and your fingers tighten, Bucky melts, pressing in closer, enveloping you in his arms in a way that has you feeling he tries to make sure you never go anywhere else again.

He breathes you in like you are something holy, tilting your head and deepening the kiss. He is not forceful. He takes what he can get and he cherishes it. Like he said, he wants to take his time with you. It makes you fall in love with him even more.

It’s like he can’t believe you are even letting him have this. But he kisses you with a hope and a determination that this will not be the only time he gets to have this.

And when you pull back again, he rests his forehead against yours once more. You feel the way his chest rises and falls against your own, the way his breath shakes, the way his grip does not loosen at all.

“Jesus, doll,” he rasps, panting. “You tryna kill me?”

And the way he says it, the way he looks at you, so full of longing and desire and relief makes you realize that maybe he’s been suffering just as much as you have.

“I want you. It’s as simple as that. I’ve spent a great deal too much of my life already trying to convince myself that I can make do with less but I can’t. You hear me? I’m done. I’m not giving up. A life without you is not enough.”

- Beau Taplin