#mel gibson is in this movie. mel gibson SINGS in this movie.

[elvisqueso]

the struggle is real. i'm out here hunting down the director commentary track from pocahontas's laserdisc edition, specifically, bc the other two version were either only for the extended cut (and finding that is it's own battle) or were from the bluray release and who the fuck knows what they'll say in that after 20 years of hindsight.

i want the purity of someone who's JUST finished the project, the high of creation still humming in their veins, proud of their work and having no idea that what they'd just done was going to piss off SO many people. i want that. i want that innocence.

[bogunicorn]

I hate it when horrible people working on a horrible project turn out something that objectively fucking slaps and you have to be like... The Worst Person You Know Has Made Actual Art.

[thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis]

Every Epic Rap Battle of History Ranked, Part 3

Part 2

29. Freddy Krueger vs Wolverine 

Winner: Wolverine 

Best line: "You're a pedophile from the Midwest, at least R. Kelly could sing."

I mentioned this earlier (like 50 entries ago), but this is probably the single most visually impressive ERB to date. If anyone had any doubts about ERB going independent after being under Maker Studios for so many years, this quickly quashed them. Costumes look amazing, the backgrounds and lighting are top-notch, and of course, the nightmare sequences are fun and creative. Love the part of Freddy turning into a magnet to pull Wolverine in. But how's the actual battle? Well, it's great too! Both performances are stellar, and there's some great lines - "that wasn't even my main diss, it was just a side burn", "that claw is like a strap-on: there's a pussy underneath". Really great stuff.

28. Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill

Winner: Theodore Roosevelt

Best line: "I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles, so walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!"

This was a battle that was hyped up for a long time thanks to Teddy Roosevelt's frequent appearances on the channel to announce news, and I'd say it lived up to the hype. Lloyd is clearly having the time of his life finally getting to play Teddy, and I'd say it's one of his best performances to date. While a couple of Churchill's lines are duds (I always groan at "Any way you want to fight, I'll fight you and I'll beat you, see"), it's not enough to sink this battle.

27. Thanos vs J. Robert Oppenheimer

Winner: J. Robert Oppenheimer

Best line: "Cause you break and bleed so easy, I think I'll call you Oppen-hymen."

It's interesting that this battle came out shortly before the Oppenheimer movie was announced and subsequently turned Oppenheimer into a household name. Good coincidental timing. I remember watching this for the first time, hearing Thanos's absolutely killer first verse, and thinking "Oh, he's got this in the bag". But then Oppenheimer fired back with a killer verse of his own! Sadly, this battle isn't as close as I'd hoped it would be, since Thanos definitely falls off on his second verse, but overall, the fight is still packed with great lines.

Peter's Oppenheimer portrayal is also amazing - the fact that he manages to mix in the melancholic, regretful tone and mannerisms the real Oppenheimer was known for while firing off disses is nothing short of incredible. It's something that shouldn't work, yet he makes it work beautifully. Lloyd's Thanos is pretty good too, although I don't know what happened with the costume; it's pretty clear that Lloyd can barely move his mouth in the mask, so it's a little distracting. I feel like there had to have been a better way to make Thanos's face work, especially when they already made Freddy Krueger work better.

26. George Washington vs William Wallace

Winner: William Wallace

Best line: "Don't tee off with me, laddy. If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddy."

I feel like this is a very overlooked battle. I've never really seen anyone talking about it, but it's actually really good. It was an interesting choice to make George Washington a more antagonistic and sadistic character, I honestly didn't think that's where they would go with him simply because as an American, I don't think I'd ever seen Washington depicted in such a bad light. But I'm honestly down for it; it makes sense when comparing the stories of both men - Wallace died a hero's death for freedom, while Washington survived long enough to show hypocrisy in his cause for preaching freedom but still owning slaves.

I love how Wallace's depiction in this is purely based on Braveheart, despite historians agreeing that it's one of the most historically inaccurate movies ever. Really sells Washington's "A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy" line, because yeah, that's basically the only reason most people have ever heard of William Wallace. It's funny, ERB obviously puts in a ton of work to research the real stories of their historical figures, but if the most prominent depiction of said figure is in a work of fiction, they will just go with that version of the person because that's what the audience is expecting to see - historical accuracy be damned. They did it with Wallace and that's also what they did with Leonidas and Ragnar Lodbrok. Not saying that's good or bad, that's just what I've noticed when viewing all the battles so close together.

25. Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child

Winner: Julia Child

Best line: "Here's a nice amuse-bouche: take a poor abused youth, set a 30 year timer, voila! Huge douche!"

This was a video I had actually completely skipped out on until needing to watch it for this list. I dunno, I just don't really personally like Gordon Ramsay and I wasn't familiar with Julia Child, so I was just never motivated to watch this one. But I really missed out on a gem, this one's great. Julia definitely steals the show here. It's kinda like Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers come to think of it, with one character angrily screaming at the other while the other just smiles and delivers cutting passive-aggressive lines. The part where Ramsay gets a whole kitchen crew running around behind him and they deliver backing vocals of "Yes, chef!" and "No, chef" to the beat is also a great moment.

24. Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood

Winner: Clint Eastwood 

Best line: "Here's my two finger push-up: Kung F-U!"

Hoo boy, this has some of the edgiest jokes in series history - "I even squint better than you", "You don't belong in a fight, you belong in a sweatshop. So go ahead, make my iPod". Modern ERB would not go there if this battle was made today. That being said, it does fit who Clint Eastwood is as a person, so, y'know. This battle's great though - the person they got to play Bruce Lee has a lot of fun energy to him; his constant quick movements contrast nicely against the stone cold, slow and deliberate Eastwood. I also love the small detail of the background characters that both rappers are fighting switching between cowboys and ninjas as they cross from one side of the screen to the other.

23. Michael Jordan vs Muhammad Ali

Winner: Muhammad Ali 

Best line: "McDonald's and underpants as corporate backers - You stay at the Ritz cause you sold out to crackers!"

And here we have one of the two appearances of special guest stars Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele. Considering this is the first time they're coming up on this list and we're this high up, it's pretty clear that I think they nailed both of the battles they had together. It's a shame they're not really working together anymore, so it's a lot less likely we'll ever get them again. Plus Jordan Peele's a lot busier these days I'd imagine.

But yeah, Key and Peele both obviously really know how to act in front of a camera and it makes for some great rap battles - Peele as Ali in particular is extremely expressive throughout his lines and it makes for a treat to watch. And I love the part where Jordan crosses over to Ali's side and directly gets in his face - both of Key and Peele's battles have a moment where the two rappers physically interact, and I'm glad they did this. A lot of ERBs have the two rappers film separately, but Key and Peele have such natural on-screen chemistry that it would have been a waste to not show bits of that. I was gonna say that moment does kinda break the illusion of Michael Jordan being tall in this battle since Key and Peele aren't too far apart in height, but uh, fun fact I just learned - the height difference between Key and Peele is actually greater than it would be between Jordan and Ali?? Muhammad Ali was actually pretty dang tall at 6'3", and Michael Jordan is relatively short for an NBA player at only 6'6". Meanwhile Jordan Peele is 5'7" and Keegan-Michael Key is 6'0". Truth truly is stranger than fiction.

22. Michael Jackson vs Elvis Presley

Winner: Michael Jackson

Best line: "Here's a tip: Don't swallow a bucket of drugs, so you won't die on the toilet dropping hunks of burning love."

This is the battle that Banner vs Jenner tried to imitate and failed miserably at - two characters with two distinct versions of themselves that they switch between halfway through the battle. This was such a great idea - they could have gotten away with simply doing the more modern versions of both characters, but showcasing how much the two changed their looks between the starts and ends of their careers was a genius move. My big worry with that would have been how difficult it would be to find a suitable child to play Jackson 5 Michael, but the kid that they did find was phenomenal. He looks the part, sounds the part, and has good dance moves to boot. I don't know how the hell they found this kid but his performance is easily the highlight of this battle.

21. Guy Fawkes vs Che Guevara 

Winner: Guy Fawkes

Best line: "You're an ump-Che. That's Bay of Pigs Latin!"

Che definitely has some clunkers in his lines - "More like V for Very bad hat" would be a bad line even by season 1 standards, and the What Does The Fox Say reference was dated even when the battle first came out. That said, Che's actor does a great job, he's really charismatic. The face he makes and the voice he does  during "Treat this battle like the gallows: Take another dive" is without a doubt the best line delivery in this battle. Also damn, Guy's takedown of Che by pointing out how his image nowadays is just a commercial product for capitalism, turning his legacy into the very thing he fought against, that was brutal. There was simply no coming back from that.

20. Gandhi vs Martin Luther King Jr.

Winner: Martin Luther King Jr.

Best line: "Flatten your style like bread: naan violence."

And here we have Key and Peele's other guest appearance. Just like I said before, these two have great chemistry and great screen presence. The ending of this one is what elevates it above Jordan vs Ali for me though - the two leading their armies of protesters together, all to finally meet face-to-face, and proceed to engage in the most passive-aggressive hug ever. Probably the most iconic ending in ERB history. Also can I just say that Peele's MLK impression is spot-on? 

19. Terminator vs RoboCop

Winner: RoboCop

Best line: "They sent you back to kill a child, but he's defeating you still. They should have made a time-traveling morning-after pill."

I like that this video was sponsored by the actual Terminator franchise and they were still able to call Terminator 3 bad. This video has also invaded my psyche - whenever I see a farmer's market I can't help but think of "I take over these streets like I'm a farmer's market". Idk, this one is just good fun. Lloyd doesn't exactly look much like Arnold, but he sells the impression as well as he can. And hey, the actual Arnold makes a cameo appearance thanks to the sponsorship! Cool shit.

18. Jim Henson vs Stan Lee

Winner: Stan Lee

Best line: "M-I-C! I rock the mic properly! K-E-Y! Turning profits, I've got the key!"

This is an ERB with a message, probably the deepest one in the series - the legacy that an artist leaves behind after their death, and the tragedy of the magic of their original vision being squeezed dry by huge conglomerates in order to print more money. Hits even harder now that Stan Lee is also no longer with us. I gotta say, it was a fucking ballsy move for the ERB team to take such a direct shot at Disney while they were working at a Disney-owned studio. But man, did it make a memorable battle. I think Walt Disney may just be my favorite of the surprise third-party rappers across the entire series.

I also like how throughout the entire battle, Jim Henson basically only ever takes one real shot at Stan Lee, and it's just "you took credit for work Jack Kirby did". He's too nice of a guy to cut deep on his opponent. And I appreciate the small detail that you can still see Peter moving his lips when Kermit is speaking - I feel like just making Kermit lip-sync would have been an easy trap to fall into. I also love that they went through the trouble of making a custom Stan Lee puppet all for just one line. They totally didn't need to do that, but it goes to show the effort that went into making this one special.

17. Ronald McDonald vs The Burger King

Winner: Burger King

Best line: "Ask Rick and Morty who's the lyrical boss. I've got lines for days, call me szechuan sauce!"

I'll just put it out there: when it comes to food: Wendy's > Burger King > McDonald's. This battle had the advantage of getting a soft launch first on the secondary ERB channel (through the spinoff series Flash in the Pan Hip-Hop Conflicts of Nowadays) and getting a chance to incorporate fan feedback before releasing as a proper ERB. The lines about McDonald's broken ice cream machines and Burger King foot lettuce, as well as Wendy coming in as a third-party rapper were all fan suggestions. As such, I think this is one of the most tightly-packed ERBs in terms of great lines.

16. Napoleon vs Napoleon

Winner: Napoleon Bonaparte

Best line: "I'll whip you so bad, they'll make a virgin meringue. You're the only type of dynamite that's never going to bang!"

I don't remember where exactly he said this, but I recall Lloyd at some point saying that this battle was the first one made after he and Peter both quit their jobs so that they could focus on ERB full time, and that it was kind of a scary and uncertain time for them because of it. Well, clearly that gamble paid off, because they managed to create one of their best right after finally being able to put their all into the series. Okay, look, on a purely objective level, this probably isn't actually better than a lot of the battles I put below it. It's short, as season 1 battles tended to be, and it really doesn't go too deep into either character's history. But this is just ERB in its purest form - a historical figure and a fictional character tangentially related to them duking it out through rhyme. This battle is pretty basic, but that's okay. It does exactly what it needs to - gives you some laughs and gets out of your face. No flashy effects, no complex lines that you have to look up the meaning of in order to get the joke. Call it nostalgia, but there's just a certain charm to the simplicity on display here.

15. Einstein vs Stephen Hawking

Winner: Stephen Hawking

Best line: "I'm as dope as two rappers, you'd better be scared, cause that means Albert E equals MC squared!"

And here we go, the cream of the crop for season 1. Back when we only had the first season, this one was THE shit. If you were around during the early days, then "There are ten million million million million million million million million million particles in the universe that we can observe, your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd" is probably burned into your brain. 

You know this battle is good when it's freaking certified Gold by the RIAA, being the only battle besides Obama vs Romney to do so. And hey, it's also the very first appearance of our boy Zach Sherwin! The first of many great guest appearances he would grace us with.

14. Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar

Winner: Shaka Zulu

Best line: "Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit-talker. Doc J dunk on ya like boom shakalaka!"

For being possibly the most obscure historical figure ever depicted in ERB, Shaka Zulu certainly leaves an impression through this battle. His costume design is great, and his actor brings so much life to the role with his smartass line deliveries and faces. And of course, the fucking army formations that form behind both rappers at the end - masterful work.

13. Lewis and Clark vs Bill and Ted

Winner: Lewis and Clark

Best line: "We discovered bears and beavers and prairie dogs and weasels, rattlesnakes and catfish, owls, larks, and eagles. And plus flora galore, and according to our observations: these two dickweeds right here are severely endangered!"

And here we have the final appearance so far of Rhett and Link, and I think this is their best battle yet. I've always loved the little dance they do when they're listing off all the things they discovered, and of course, Sacagawea in the background constantly saving their asses is a hilarious touch. And on Bill and Ted's side, we get a bunch of cameos of previous rappers since most of their companions had already appeared in ERB (still waiting on that Billy the Kid battle though), so that's a nice treat for fans.

12. Zeus vs Thor

Winner: Thor

Best line: "Send you deeper underground than the depths of your Hades. Now make like your daddy, and swallow my babies!"

This was the first ever battle to be animated with Lego and I'm SO glad that it was, because this is just a treat for the eyes. Live action would not have done a battle between two gods like this justice. Of course, it being beautifully animated wouldn't save this if the battle itself wasn't great, but it absolutely is. I think "Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is? You're ruthless to humans, your crew is like the Clash of the Douches" is possibly the best flow in the entire series, it constantly gets stuck in my head.

11. Mother Teresa vs Sigmund Freud

Winner: Mother Teresa

Best line: "I can see right through you and you've got no flavor. I'm battling a communion wafer."

This is an absolutely slept-on battle. It's damn near perfect - almost every single line hits it out of the park. I never would have thought of these two figures as perfect foils for one another, but it works so much better than I ever could have imagined. A staunch religious figure versus a staunch atheist, with themes of physical therapy versus mental therapy and chastity versus sex. It's a brilliant matchup that they really get the most out of. 

Mother Teresa's actress is amazing as well - I thought they somehow found an actual old lady dancer, but no, it's actually a younger woman whose entire specialty is doing super convincing cosplays of elderly women. She's great, the attitude she gives to Teresa elevates the entire battle. 

S TIER

10. Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates

Winner: HAL 9000

Best line: "I'm coming out the socket, nothing you can do can stop it. I'm on your lap and in your pocket. How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket?"

While Jobs dying mid-battle can be seen as a repeat of Billy Mays, there's a distinct difference in how the two battles handle the death of one of the rappers. Ben Franklin never even gets a reaction to Billy Mays's death, but in this one, Bill Gates actually gets to admit how he liked the rivalry, and that now he's lonely without Jobs. And that's true to life of the two actual men too - despite how competitive their companies were with each other, Jobs and Gates had deep respect for one another. 

This was by far the most ambitious ERB of its time. I would say that it was the very first one to truly feel epic, and even more than a decade later, it still holds its own against even the newest episodes. Hell, I'd say it's actually just gotten better with time - that iconic ending with HAL 9000 to represent AI taking over just rings more and more true every year.

9. Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock

Best line: "Ask anybody, 'What's your favorite Sam Jackson part?', no one's gonna say 'What's-his-name from Jurassic Park'."

This one is a total treat. You have 4 of the most iconic movie directors in history battling it out… along with Michael Bay. Honestly I'm not a super big movie buff, but I can still appreciate how brilliant this battle is. I love the shifts in the music tones for each director - the grandiose Jurassic Park-like theme for Spielberg, the heart-pounding suspense for Hitchcock, the more funky beat for Tarantino, the dreamy space-like melody for Kubrick, and finally, the flashy, bombastic theme for Bay. And of course, each director having their own dig towards Michael Bay is great foreshadowing for when he finally comes in and proceeds to rap about how great he is. He doesn't even say anything about any of the other directors, but that feels like an intentional choice for his "I don't give a fuck" attitude.

8. Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde

Winner: Bonnie and Clyde

Best line: "O Romeo, O Romeo, wherefore you trying to flow, yo? Mofo, you soft as a froyo. Are those the drapes or your clothes, bro?"

The contrast between the two sides here is really fun - how ridiculous and over-the-top Romeo and Juliet act compared to the down-to-earth, no-nonsense Bonnie and Clyde. Bonnie pulling out a gun, shooting Juliet, and Juliet simply exclaiming, "Oh! I am killed!" really sums up everything that makes this pairing great. Of course, it's impossible to talk about this battle and not talk about how every character dies in the same way that their real/fictional counterpart does. I particularly love how Romeo and Juliet integrate their actual final words from the play into their final verses - "Thus with a diss I die" is such an obvious pun to make but it always makes me chuckle. And once Bonnie and Clyde get shot to death as well, leaving the normally loud announcer quiet and confused, that's just the cherry on top.

7. Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker 

Winner: Luke Skywalker 

Best line: "Your origin story is mostly stolen from me. You might be Potter, but Harry, I planted your seed!"

Our second animated battle, and this was one that absolutely needed to be animated to do it justice. Both of these series have so many iconic scenes and locations, and they also both have so many Lego sets that it made perfect sense to do it with Lego. And the animators got every bit of mileage they could out of this opportunity - both characters get to go through so many setpieces from each of their franchises. And of course, the lyrics get to pull in just as many references for fans to catch. This is one of the longer battles, with each rapper getting three full verses, and I'm glad that two series with so much lore got plenty of time to integrate it all. 

6. Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters

Winner: Mythbusters

Best line: "Good thing you work in a firehouse, cause you just got burned. You are poor scientists, and that's confirmed."

When I heard that Peter and Lloyd would be playing Adam and Jamie, I fully expected the opposite casting. Lloyd usually plays the shorter, stockier, more bald characters, so it was kinda surprising to me that he was chosen to play Adam and Peter was Jamie. But hey, they make it work. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the little synchronized dance the two do during their first verse as well. I have no idea why they decided to do that for the Mythbusters of all things, but hey, it's a lot of fun.

This battle has the largest number of rappers of any battle to date with 10, but that's kind of with an asterisk because Kari, Grant, and Tory barely get any time at all before Stay Puft comes in to finish the battle. I really wish the three of them had gotten a little more, it seems like kind of a waste to bring in three additional actors to only give them one line each. But that's really the only criticism I can come up with here; it's a great battle otherwise.

I know I didn't really even say anything about the Ghostbusters, but there's really not anything to say. They're all good! Zach Sherwin's Egon is definitely the highlight of the group.

5. Lara Croft vs Indiana Jones

Winner: Lara Croft

Best line: "Marion was 15 when you raided her bones. That's no time for love, Dr. Jones!"

This is the newest battle at the time I'm writing this, and needless to say with it being this high up, it's already one of my favorites. Every single line packs a serious punch, there is no wasted time here at all. My first time watching, I thought they maybe made a little too many jokes where the punchline is "Lara is sexy" or "gamers masturbate to her". But upon rewatch, each one is at least clever and does something different with wordplay, so I've lightened up on it.

Of course, I have to give a major shoutout to Croix Provence, who portrays Lara here. This was the first time a guest star on ERB was not either a friend of the crew or a major YouTube personality/celebrity - the casting of Lara was instead done with an open casting call, and I think that was the absolutely correct move. Croix was the perfect choice here - her faces and mannerisms inject so much lovable energy into the character, and the fact that she's not even British but can maintain a British accent while quickly rapping is incredible. She's a complete delight and I hope that she becomes a recurring guest.

This battle was apparently supposed to have a short verse from Nathan Drake as well, but I'm honestly glad they cut it. It really didn't need it.

4. Deadpool vs Boba Fett

Winner: Deadpool

Best line: "That Dr. Killbrew dude needs to go back to med school. Cause right now, you're no good to me, Deadpool."

This one's kinda funny in hindsight with how Deadpool rags on how Boba Fett barely even has any lines or screentime so there's not even much to say about him… right before he ended up getting his own show. Honestly it's kind of even in a weird spot with regards to Deadpool's characterization too - this came out before the movie, so nothing regarding that could be referenced either. Really, of any battle, this is probably the one that's in need of a rematch the most given how much has happened between these two characters in the years since.

What's really cool about this battle is that since both characters are covered from head to toe, while Peter and Lloyd did the voices, they didn't need to portray them physically. And they took advantage of this by hiring professional dancers to be the body actors for both characters, which really elevates the video visually. Deadpool's suit actor nails the mannerisms, and I love how Boba Fett goes into full-on breakdancing at the end. Stellar stuff from both performers.

3. The Joker vs Pennywise

Winner: Pennywise

Best line: "I haunt nightmares and I'm ruthless. This battle's like poker: the Joker is useless. Winning's not in your cards. Call me Arkham Asylum, I'm crazy with bars!"

Here we are, the absolute best battle that stays as a pure 1-on-1. Lloyd has said recently that this is his personal favorite battle, and it's easy to see why. Pennywise is easily my favorite performance Lloyd has ever done - he absolutely nails the voice, the line delivery, and the look. And Peter's Joker is awesome too - he also does a great job with the voice and delivery, and his costume is great too. Not as spot-on as Lloyd's Pennywise, but it's still more than serviceable. Really, this battle is Peter and Lloyd at their absolute best - you can tell they are both having the time of their lives here.

The lines here are top-notch too. So many bangers - Pennywise describing himself as "the John Wayne of John Wayne Gacys" and "the poster boy for missing person posters", and the absolutely killer lines "Ask Robin if I drop bars" and "No one's dying to play with Joker, except for maybe Heath Ledger". There's a super clever rhyme with "Beat Harley Quinn" and "see Steve Harvey in". And the flow of "You're a John Doe in my deadlights, and you're about to fall from a new height, cause you're weak and you've lost every fight to a knight who wears underwear over his tights" is amazing. And I love that so many actors that have portrayed the characters get shout-outs - obviously Pennywise only has the two with Tim Curry and Bill Skarsgard (though the Skarsgard reference is so subtly woven in that you probably won't even catch it on the first watch). But the Joker gets to pull in references to Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, Jared Leto, Joaquin Phoenix, and Mark Hamill, and it's a lot of fun.

Overall, this battle is amazing. Amazingly written with two amazing performances. Truly peak ERB.

2. Rasputin vs Stalin

Winner: Stalin

Best line: "You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! I'd leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot! Your whole family, shot! All your wizard friends, shot! Anyone who sold you pierogi, shot!"

Huh, I'm realizing just how few of these top spots have actual historical figures - four of the battles in this top ten have just been fictional character vs fictional character, and the only real people depicted that I'd say are old enough to be considered "historical figures" are Bonnie and Clyde, and maybe Alfred Hitchcock. Well, that's about to change - these top two spots are putting the history back in Epic Rap Battles of History, and to me, that's why they beat out the rest.

I've said before that I love when ERB can make me curious and actively want to seek out more information about history. And that's why this battle and the next one are so great - because it's not just about the battle itself being good. The best ERBs create an experience outside of the battle itself. You put on an episode like Luke Skywalker vs Harry Potter and you're like "Oh, that was awesome! All the references to both of the series were great!" and then you move on with your life. But a battle like Rasputin vs Stalin, you think "Wow, that was great!", and then you find yourself reading more about Russian history. ERB didn't tell you to do that; they're not your teacher. You sought out that information because they gave you the nugget of trivia that made you crave more. 

But enough about that, how is the battle itself? Well, it's a certified banger. What you think is going to just be a simple battle between two long-dead high-ranking Russians quickly escalates as it takes you through the rise and fall of the Soviet Union via several more notable Russian leaders jumping into the fray. The battle royale format really does a great job portraying the fraught history that Russia has had over the past century - these guys all had so many different ideas for the country that they probably would all hate each other.

Lloyd steals the show here too - both Stalin and Gorbachev are easily the most memorable parts of this battle. One realization I've come to while doing this list and viewing all the battles so close together is that I think Lloyd is overall my favorite performer. That's not to say that Peter is a bad actor - far from it, he's also amazing. I just think there are overall more battles where Lloyd's performance outshines Peter's than there are the other way around.

1. Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

Winner: Ivan the Terrible

Best line: "Look alive, creme de la Kremlin's arrivin'! Try to serve Ivan, no survivin'."

…With that being said, this is one of those battles where Peter absolutely comes out on top. One strength of portraying historical figures from hundreds of years ago as opposed to fictional characters or people who are currently alive/recently died is that we don't really have as much information about their personalities, leaving how they act much more open to interpretation. And this battle takes full advantage of that. Would the actual Ivan the Terrible have acted this deliciously eeeevil? Probably not, but that's what makes it fun. Him murdering his opponents one by one and delighting in it makes him such a lovable villain. And of course, he's given a great (haha) lineup of characters with big personalities to burn through as well - the performances for Alexander, Frederick, and Catherine are all both memorable and stand out from each other - with Alexander adopting the most traditional rap style, Frederick getting a faster verse, and Catherine getting a slower, more sensual verse.

This battle also has the same deal as what I said about Rasputin vs Stalin, where it made me more curious about history, except this one gets more points for covering not only a larger span of time, but also multiple countries. The only figure in this battle royale that I was sorta familiar with was Alexander, so this definitely motivated me to look more into Ivan, Frederick, and Catherine (though it didn't really make me curious enough to want to know more about Pompey the Great, sorry Pompey :( ).

Overall, this battle just has all the best qualities of ERB rolled up into one tight package - it's funny, it's got great performances, and it teaches you a little something about history while also encouraging you to do your own research. On all fronts, it knocks it out of the park, and that is why it is my #1 favorite Epic Rap Battle of History.

And there you have it! Every single ERB ranked! Whew, this was a lot of work, but I think it goes to show that at the end of the day, I truly love this series if I can blather on this long about it. If you’ve made it this far, then thanks for reading my pointless ramblings, and look forward to more pointless ramblings in the future.

[myawesomemovielist]

my awesome movie list of 2016:

moonlight (dir. barry jenkins)

la la land (dir. damien chazelle)

hidden figures (dir. theodore melfi)

manchester by the sea (dir. kenneth lonergan)

fences (dir. denzel washington)

paterson (dir. jim jarmusch)

aquarius (dir. kleber mendonça filho)

arrival (dir. denis villeneuve)

finding dory (dir. andrew stanton)

captain fantastic (dir. matt ross)

hell or high water (dir. david mackensie)

zootopia (dir. byron howard & rich moore)

american pastoral (dir. ewan mcgregor)

jackie (dir. pablo larrain)

loving (dir.  jeff nichols)

20th century women (dir. mike mills)

christine (dir. antonio campos)

nocturnal animals (dir. tom ford)

hacksaw ridge (dir. mel gibson)

silence (dir. martin scorsese)

sing (dir. garth jennings)

kubo and the two strings (dir. travis knight)

a monster calls (dir. j.a. bayona)

lion (dir. garth davis)

[how-to-do-it-better]

How to make him scream for you

What every man wishes you knew

By almost. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

There are articles in abundance on what women want and need. There was even a movie recently, with Mel Gibson, about our secret feminine thoughts and desires, men spend hours trying to figure us out and what we need, but do we try to figure them out? You don’t see many about what men need and want, and they can be as mysterious to us, as we are to them. All women think they need to do is, rope ‘em, hog tie ‘em and throw ‘em in the barn…well men ain’t cattle girls, they know how to open that barn door even if we get them in there.

Usually all you read is bitter accounts by angry cold women, about why men aren’t worth much, and how to avoid the ones who may not be easy to catch, complete with titles and types and assessments of why you don’t want one like THAT… Well, ladies, I catch them…and if you want a good one, well, you better start figuring out what he wants or you aren’t going to get him, let alone keep him. My men are trying to figure out how to keep me, not escape me.

Every woman knows men are into chemistry, although what it is, is a bit unclear. What it is is sex appeal, it is, they want to appeal to us sexually, and for us to appeal to them sexually, is really all that is, it’s not looks or weight, or height or make up, it’s how we look at them and how we make them feel, if we make them feel like males, deep inside, they’re attracted to us. They’ll admit to that readily enough, but to get inside the mind of a man, to learn what it is that makes him choose to stay and commit? That’s the secret ladies, they have to want to commit to us. Most of us can all do enough to get them to stay for breakfast at any time. It’s keeping hold of them that’s tough. And to us, we want that commitment and they know it, but many of us want it because their paycheck comes with it. They want their money’s worth, and that is fair, girls, it is. They aren’t about to tell us this though, because they know we can be determined and devious. The line the bride sings walking down the aisle, of “Phew, I”ll never have to do THAT again!” Is a little too often true. They want truth and beauty, not to be a victim of some woman with a need for income. They believe in love more than we do at times.

Men hit about 35 and begin to wake up to a silent urging to procreate and nest, they reassess their life in the wild, and begin to consider settling down, they get as broody as any woman does. Or if they have procreated and nested, they begin to feel the urge to stretch their wings and fly, to seek out more, and feel the wonder again. Men aren’t one dimensional, is part of that, they need both, passion and comfort, home and freedom and sensuality, they’re really somewhat simple, they’ll give us everything if they can just be a star in their own lives. That’s really all it takes. That and they want an interesting life. Give them that, and they’ll line up to commit to who ever gives it to them.

You’ll hear wives lament and whine that he’s cheating on her, but what you don’t hear is why he is, and it’s not just some younger body, it’s… she’s interesting and the wife isn’t. The wife has become dull and boring, and to her, all life is about is vacuuming the house now, and she yells at him and whines at him, just like she does after he flies the coop! and he’s tired of sleeping with the maid whose got attitude, who’d want to sleep with a bad tempered tyrant!

Half of that is she berates him, it’s never enough, take out the garbage, fix the car, when are you going to mow the yard, she becomes this chore monger, another boss, so he has two jobs, not a home and a career. And she only lives to do chores, herself, he earns, he works, he takes second place in his own life, he is the gadget man, the vacuum cleaner with a mind, the guy who keeps life orderly for us, and not much else. The kids matter more, and Little League does, hey, girls, if they did that to US, we’d leave, in a second! And do. We’d never put up with working all day and handing over our check only to come home and get yelled at? And she wonders why he left?! Someone was nicer to him is why, and she wasn’t…You can’t keep cows in the barn if you leave the door open, ladies! Get a clue wifey, you weren’t what he needed, you were too busy making cupcakes to notice him, you said no fourteen times a week? And you didn’t keep your buns firm or your underwear sexy. You bored him into leaving and you berated him for not liking you that way. And you follow it up with insulting him after the fact that he’s shallow, and he has the problems! So were the cupcakes for the bake sale really THAT important? Cause you sure act like they are!

Men want fantasy, they want entertainment, they want the princess we are, they want the fairy sprite, the little girl in us who dreams, they want eternal youth from our INSIDES, but they also want the slut lurking within us all, they want excitement and to fly, and then land safely, they want to be our wings, our angels of destiny and if we deny them that part of us, if we refuse to go with them or let them take us on their flights of fancy, they lose, but so do we, all we are is housekeepers then, neither queen or whore, and not their partner in life either, we become grounded as the world moves on without us. We just exist to make dinner, when we could be going on exotic trips and living a life of dreams. We choose to be dull and boring, and then whine they don’t.

Classic sex symbols, from Mae West to Madonna, from Liz Taylor to Brittney Spears, are women men dream of, women of passion and fire, women who are playful and adventurous and have a natural sexuality. Men, dream of a nymphomaniac in their lives, or at least one who can be one at times? They want to be cherished, and adored and worshipped, and they should be! They want to be teased and pleased and played with. They want a playmate, a friend and a confidant. They want a woman who makes them proud, who their friends go WOW, where’d you find THAT one, you must be a stud huh? To keep HER! It’s a man thing, it’s pride, its competitiveness, it’s what makes them happy…its what makes them manly, ladies, if you want him to be more of a man, be more of a woman!

They want a princess to provide for, they want a woman who sparkles at them when they do things for her, and sighs and coos. They want her to be pleased, and surprised by their efforts to win her and appease her. They want to chase her and feel her give in to them. Ladies the guys want romance, not pink lace, real romance, the kind with feeling, the kind that has candlelight and soft music, and sighs, they want the longing glances and the deep involvement. And we sort of end up handing them Chef Boyardee and saying What’s your problem? Well, gosh, dinner from a can, might be some of it, the Dog eats dinner from a can, and we pet the darned dog at least? Or I pet mine, but maybe my dog lives better than your man does too? Consider that. That’s sort of sad isn’t it, for him.

They want her to be glamorous at times, slinky and sexy. They want her to be natural at times, and able to get ready in less than an hour, they want her in baseball caps and jeans, as they sit and fantasize about how hot she was last night, and watch her looking like a tomboy now. They want her to like their bodies, and revel in them, as males, to act like a greedy sexual creature who can’t get enough, at times, as well as listen to their thoughts, and try to make their dreams come true.

They want her to be all the women in the world at once, pure and innocent, devilish and dangerous, squirmy and high spirited, needy and soft, nurturing and comforting, and sexually awake and aware of sensual pleasures. They want the mother in us, the sister, and the slut, they want us to be as multi-dimensional as they are. They want the lady in the living room, the whore in the bedroom, and always have. Be that, and able to carry on a conversation about something other than yourself and your interests, and they will all eat from your hand, with pleasure.

And if we give them that, they really don’t care if we make dinner, or vacuum, they’ll do it, they’ll hire a maid, or they’ll take us out to dinner! Trust me on this, ladies, I don’t do housework! I do keep my passport handy just in case. It takes so long to go back for it, is why, we may miss the flight! I go places, I do things, I get taken out, and away, and I love that I do, they carry my bags, they open doors, and they buy me things to please me! And they call later! I love men, and it shows, and they love me right back!

They don’t want to hear, oooh, yuck, and no way, and you’re kidding, I’m not doing that! They want her to blush and go really? You want me to do that, for real, and try it…they want us to tell them that things feel good, and why, and how to touch us. They want to please us so we do go out of our minds with pleasure. They want to know what we think, but not about the sale at the grocery store, to them it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t! Who cares if lettuce is twenty cents less, like change matters? Now if you could do something sexual with that lettuce they’d want to know about that. They want to be pleased, surprised, seduced, coveted, treated with awe, and worshipped, that’s all! They want to be on a pedestal, just like they put us on one! And for that, they will give us everything they have, can find, can earn and look for more if it pleases us. We become their goddess, but only if we make them our gods…

I’m sexual, very…I like sex, I like a lot of it’s aspects, I enjoy exploring it, and adventuring in it. And there are men, who don’t like it as much as I do, that prefer quieter realms and softer ones, there are compatitble types, there are. But they still crave the sex, the affection and the bonding, and they have to have it ladies, it isn’t about they physically need, it’s how they express themselves to us, if we would only learn to listen! It’s their language, it’s primal, it’s instinctive and it holds them totally in its’ thrall, when we deny them that, they have to go looking, it’s male. They cannot survive without it, and neither can I.

I like a lot of different flavors in life, from the spicy to the sweet, to the hot and ice cold, salt and vinergar to sublimely mild. I like tastes, I like feelings, I like emotional intercourse, which by definition is communication. When we bond together in physical unity we can’t hide from each other, we allow each other inside us, and to me, life without that is pretty boring.

Changing our approach is so easy, it really is. When we join that exercise class at the gym, instead of whining about the effort and expecting to be praised, all we have to do is strip down and show them our behinds daily and say, “What do you think, is it getting smaller, is it getting tighter?” And they love it, and smile, and go hmmm, some, come over here, let me check closer. Then it becomes, for him, we work out, and then they’re more than happy to share it…they’ll check our progress with glee…and insist we take more classes, if they get to be part of it like THAT?

If we make dinner, add candles, dress for him, cook in just an apron for heavens sake? Want him to take out the trash more? Stand there naked. Wear a thong…and say, Like this? Well, as soon as I take out the trash? If I’m still in this mood…the trash is gone, girls, never to be mentioned again…if he forgets? Wear that same outfit…he will learn fast…see thong, take out garbage, get some, it’s like electricity to men. They’ll move so fast and while they’re out there, they’ll put your car away and close the garage door, they do not want more interruptions! As in phew, got her mind on me finally…I got to keep remembering that trash, or yikes she’s gonna find someone who will! Men learn so much quicker than we do. It is just about motivation, use that, there is no You forgot the trash again, oh no, he won’t forget…every day for six years, he’ll remember the naked woman saying I’m gonna take out the trash now…like his own private pin up girl.

And kids? Oh right those anti-romance creatures, uh, feed them early, put them to bed, they’ve had you all day? Daddy’s turn. Get a sitter, trade with a neighbor down the street, you keep mine tonight, I”ll keep yours tomorrow night…just give that man, some of what he needs, he’ll be happy! He had the kids, he loves them, just once in a while, he wants to play with the grownups too. And it doesn’t hurt the kids to be told, Mommy and Daddy are going to play together tonight, it’s our turn. You guys are going to bed early so we can. Give you Dad kiss now, night night.

And if I hear one more woman tell me she’s tired, in this day of electric appliances and television, here’s my answer…you will be more tired if you work all day and come home and then take care of the kids and have no one to help. Take a nap, plan it, don’t wear your self out dusting once in awhile, schedule your man like he matters! Quit whining, once women made the soap, spun the cloth, plowed fields, baked bread, ground flour, knit the socks, and still had the energy to kiss him hello and wrap her arms around him when he walked in, so what is your excuse? The dishwasher door was so heavy to close you’re tired now? He worked all day, he’s tired too! And all he wants is a cuddle and a squeeze and a big smile to see him and to cop a feel, like that’s hard to give him? Uh, give it to him ladies, or know, someone else will.

Men need several things, acceptance of their masculinity, pride in their existence, self esteem, love, affection, sensual pleasures, credit for their contributions, titillation and warm welcome, and to be important in their own lives and for that, they will give you everything they can gather to honor you and please you, they’ll lay anything at your feet, if you just treat them with respect and admiration.

It’s our call girls, it is…and it’s ok with me, if you don’t want to wake up to it! Cause your husband takes me to Mexico while you’re busy at the PTA meeting, and I like going on trips to exotic destinations…and being treated like I’m important and wined and dined and catered to. You can do the PTA if you want? It’s ok with me!

Doubt me? Ask any man.

By almost for Literotica.

from How-To Sex Podcast https://how-to-sex-podcast.tumblr.com/post/744493229006848000

[devious-little-milkmaiden]

All the Movies I Watched in 2023

This is a very long post so buckle up! (And I'm sorry. I love movies.)

Ticket to Paradise (2022)

5/5. I expected this movie to be a bad cash-grab, but was surprised to find that it had plenty of redeeming qualities. Maybe that's attributable to the charm of Julia Roberts and George Clooney. A lighthearted watch that's enjoyable if you allow yourself to relax and not treat every movie like it has to be a cinematic masterpiece.

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)

4.5/5. I am so, so ready for a Knives Out, Sherlock Holmes-esque series. This movie was so, so entertaining, and presented a mystery that was different from the first in Knives Out, yet equally enjoyable.

Signs (2002)

4.5/5. Mel Gibson, Rory Culkin, and Joaquin Phoenix are absolutely amazing in this movie. Definitely one of Shyamalan's stronger films, but the ending is weak and doesn't support the weight of the rest of the movie. The concept of combining a tragic backstory for characters in a horror/thriller movie certainly isn't new, and by all accounts this movie could suffice without it, but I think it is a good contribution to its depth and themes. I was watching this in class and when M. Night Shyamalan appeared someone said, with full sincerity, "Who's that random Indian?" 🫥

The Theory of Everything (2014)

4.5/5. I love Eddie Redmayne, and his performance was pretty good. This biopic suffers from the pitfall of refusing to portray their subject as a human (someone who makes good and bad choices), opting instead to paint them as a god-like figure (insisting that they are incredibly moralistic even if it's clear that they aren't), which I think takes away from the intelligence of the film. There's no harm in showing Stephen Hawking as a normal person, and I think more biopics should have a little less bias. Good soundtrack.

Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

2.5/5. It was fine. It was hard for me to stay invested or care about the characters. Pretty cliche, and didn't have much nuance considering the plot. I think you could live without ever seeing this movie.

Twilight (2008)

2/5. A great movie to play in the background while doing something else. That baseball scene is fantastic though. Romance is bad. I'm pretty sure Carlisle Cullen is Lestat. Alice Cullen's hair is my everything.

Senseless (1998)

2.5/5. This movie is bad, but somehow I can't help but love Marlon Wayans' surprisingly vulnerable performance. He has an effortless charm. David Spade and Matthew Lillard are two of my longtime favorites, and both of them give a solid delivery in their respective typecasts.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

4.5/5. More children's movies should take themselves seriously!!! More children's movies should treat their primary audience with respect and intelligence!!! Children are more intelligent than we give them credit for!!! Thank you to this movie for understanding that. The animation was incredible, such a beautiful watch. I've said this before and I will not be quieted: Puss is Zorro's fursona.

The Lost Boys (1987)

3.5/5. "AAA THEYRE COMING AAAA" I love Keifer Sutherland, and I wish there was more of him in this movie tbh. Kind of boring. I think this could be remedied with more Keifer Sutherland.

Grease (1978)

2/5. I honestly do not get the appeal of this movie. I like Sandy and love Frenchie, but the musical aspect is a little underwhelming and the story is (and I'm sorry) just godawful. I'm referring less to its problematic aspects and more how frustrating it is, misunderstandings and such.

LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

5/5. Peter Jackson Gets It. His love for the book series and the world of Middle Earth is just so evident in this movie's intricacies and imagination, yet it also strays away from the book in ways that I think are really good, such as some of the dialogue choices (Frodo's a little bit meaner in the books, which I don't think would make him very likable if we were actually hearing it be said.) I want to live in Bag End SO BAD.

LOTR: The Two Towers (2002)

5/5. Legolas, my beloved. A bridge between the first and last installments that doesn't feel plot-deprived. Balances perfectly between mounting the tension for the final installment and also maintaining its solitary plot points. I want to include my Letterboxd review because it's ~sO fUnNy~

LOTR: The Return of the King (2003)

5/5. Man. Wow. I cry. I cry. I cry. Literally cannot even give a review bc of the overwhelming mixture of emotions I feel when I think about this movie.

The gayest installment of the series, though that's a hard trophy to hold considreing the competition.

A League of Their Own (1992)

5/5. I do not think it is so bad to be a stereotypical underdog sports movie if you can approach the convention with a story as entertaining and genuinely as heartfelt as this. Very funny. Geena Davis!!!!! Geena Davis!!!!!!! Many of these women are lesbians in real life and although that was conveniently left out of the movie... you can still tell. I was scared that the conversation between Geena Davis and Tom Hanks meant a stupid romance subplot was going to happen, but thankfully this movie has too much dignity for that.

Suburban Gothic (2014)

2.5/5. I didn't really enjoy this movie because there wasn't a single strong aspect of it that I could rely on to forgive it. All of the characters were unlikable, the plot was strange and inconsistent (and I was upset because I was looking forward to it in this aspect). However, Jeffrey Combs is his usual amazing self and the humor is pretty good at times.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (rewatch) (2016)

3.5/5. I watched this when it came out and it was one of my favorite movies. It still holds a special place in my heart for the surprising breach of conventions it makes. Newt, as a leading man in a big-budget film, is shy, sensitive, and polite. I love him to death. (This is the movie that started my love for Eddie Redmayne) However, considering that it is a big-budget blockbuster, it's only allowed to go so far with its breach of conventions.

It's very beautiful to watch. The romance between Newt and Tina actually feels like a romance, which I find is surprisingly hard for movies to do. It's also the strongest installment in the series, and it goes downhill from there.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (rewatch) (2018)

3/5. I wanted to like this movie so bad when I first watched it, and I do, sort of. I love everything in this movie that replicates the last movie: Newt's characterization, Tina's characterization, the visual effects, the beasts!!!!!, the time period, the worldbuilding, the sophisticated air. I also love the addition of Newt's brother and Yusuf Kama (William Nadylam is just incredible!). And that's where my love for this movie ends. Everything else annoys me. Like, I understand that Queenie loves Jacob so much she'd do anything for him, but I find it hard to believe she'd be convinced by Grindelwald. She's smarter than that. And, I don't really care about the Dumbledore, Lestrange, and Credence Barebone/Nagini storyline. They just aren't that captivating. This is where the series starts to tip from an equal balance between the beasts and 1920s Wizarding World Politics into more WW Politics, which makes me sad.

Fantastic Beasts:The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022)

2/5. This movie makes me so fucking mad. Out of all the movies in the series, this one is the worst. It's not even about Newt Scamander anymore! If you wanted to make a Dumbledore/Grindelwald origin story, just make a separate movie series! I wanted to see beasts! I wanted to see Newt travel the world! Goddamn this movie for taking that away from me, and every other Scamander fan!!!! The last shot of this movie is of fucking Albus Dumbledore, for christ's sake!!! I just don't care!!! Fuck this!!! WHY.

I'm actually so sad.

(J. K. Rowling can't write for shit and she's a TERF. Neil Gaiman can write for shit and is a trans ally. Coincedence? I think not.)

I think Mads Mikkelsen is great as Grindelwald. He delivers a sophisticated and somewhat sinister performance to this movie that I think does more service to it than Johnny Depp's campiness, which isn't really right for this type of movie. If the stars had aligned differently, I would have liked Mikkelsen to play Grindelwald from the start. But not even that could have saved this shit movie.

The Power of the Dog (2021)

5/5. Beautiful and visually captivating. Very nuanced plot that I will not pretend to understand in its entirety, though I'm sure a rewatch would do it justice in that regard. This is not a movie you want spoiled, so look it up with caution. Jane Campion? More like Jane CHAMPION. Definitely recommend.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

4/5. Maybe a controversial take, but I actually really enjoyed this movie, as someone who hasn't read the book. Maybe I would enjoy it less so if I did read the book, (which I do eventually plan on doing) and I understand people's complaints about the movie. I don't think this movie (and the Hobbit series as a whole) should be considered with the same judgment as the LOTR series: despite being made by the same director, their appeal and intended demographic is vastly different. While LOTR's appeal was more based on its faithfulness to the books and authenticity, and intended demographic is more longtime LOTR/fantasy fans (nerds), the Hobbit trilogy's intended appeal is more of a meatheaded likability intended to appease more widespread audiences (everyone who's not a nerd). I don't think it lives up to LOTR, and I do think a singular movie should have been made more in the vein of LOTR (faithfulness to source material and avoidance of blockbuster stereotypes), but this movie is still fun. The performances are good and overall I can't hate this movie.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

4/5. This is probably my favorite in the Hobbit series. The romance between Kili and Tauriel is pretty solid. Bard is fantabulous. Smaug is an absolutely terrifying villain. Bilbo is a Chad. The story never feels stretched out or annoying. I dunno, I just like it. :)

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014)

4.5/5. Again, I don't expect anybody to agree with my opinions on the Hobbit trilogy. I just find them fun. This one is heartbreaking. But still fun!

Mikey and Nicky (1976)

3.5/5. Very interesting to watch this as a Columbo fan.

I expected this movie to be kind of boring, and while there are some slow bits, it's very entertaining throughout. The tension simmers on the back burner for almost the entire movie until the end, when it boils over and everything catches on fire. I think it's good that there are moments where the tension takes a backseat to let some of the other themes develop, particularly regarding the character development and relationship between Mikey and Nicky. I also love this movie's concept. Def recommend.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

4/5. I didn't expect too much from this movie, and found that it was good. Very entertaining. Johnny Depp is wonderful as Jack Sparrow (this is the type of movie where his campiness is appreciated). I love pirates. I'm so annoyed about the "You like pain? Try wearing a corset." Line sm. Like... they're called stays in that time period, for one thing. Secondly, they shouldn't hurt if you're wearing them properly. Like my god that line was so written-by-a-man it hurts. Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley were great. Fun.

Spiderman: Across the Spider-Verse (2023)

5/5. If people have told you to watch this movie, go watch this movie. If people haven't told you to go watch it, I'm telling you right now. Animation is gorgeous and it maintains and elevates all the appeal of the first movie. The diversity just exists in this movie, because this movie understands that diverse people just exist. PLEASE go watch it.

Bridesmaids (2011)

4.5/5. This is a movie for the girls who are morally grey and fear they may be a bad person and are just trying their best to trudge through a burned out existence. Emotional aspect is just as strong as the comedic aspect, and they transition in and out of each other really well. Just... skip the bridal dress scene.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

5/5. One of the most entertaining and lovable movies I've ever seen. A good watch for when you need to clear your head and just relax.

In the Heat of the Night (1967)

5/5. Intelligent and revolutionary-for-its-time movie that still has modern relevance. Sidney Poitier deserved an Oscar for this, and I'm really sad he didn't get one. (However he did get a British Academy Award for this movie.) Love the concept, though I do wish the racial aspect had been carried through to the end, as it kind of drops off in favor of the murder-mystery aspect, culminating in a resolution that's essentially just "I guess I'm not racist anymore because you're really good at solving crimes." I think Virgil deserved a better end to his story.

Rango (2011)

5/5. This is one of those rare children's movies that feels older, mostly because it takes itself seriously and delivers on that 100%. Animation is wonderful.

War of the Worlds (2005)

3/5. It's sort of fun, but so annoying and underwhelming that it's not even worth it. Tom Cruise's character is supposed to develop but we never really see that. Dakota Fanning screams so much. I was pretty scream-y when I was a little girl, but not even I screamed that much.

Pride & Prejudice (2005)

4.5/5. Maybe I do believe in love.

I think this is like the Hobbit trilogy version of book adaptations: not totally faithful to source material but pretty enjoyable. Had me sobbing.

I always get a little annoyed when period pieces feel like they have to sacrifice historical accuracy in costuming and customs in favor of appealing to a modern audience because I think audiences are smarter and more open-minded than they give us credit for.

Stand by Me (1986)

4/5. Even though this isn't really horror, you can definitely tell it's a Stephen King movie: self-insert writer character, set in the pacific northwest or northern east coast, gratuitous 1950s-ness, psychopath bully, and bad parents.

This movie has so much heart behind it. It's such a genuine and heavy portrayal of boyhood and the emotional topsy-turviness of male adolescence. I can't say female adolescence because there's hardly any women in this movie at all. I think it's fine if it's a boyhood-centric movie (but when did boyhood mean that women don't exist?) but it is by no means a commentary on adolescence as a whole.

Clue (rewatch) (1985)

4.5/5. Witty humor and a well-crafted mystery. Very fun, even if it falls short in some of its intended appeal. You know what never falls short? Tim Curry.

Batman Begins (2005)

3.5/5. My least favorite installment in the Dark Knight trilogy. Just not as appealing as the other two in terms of tone and storytelling ability.

The Dark Knight (2008)

4.5/5. My FAVORITE installment in the trilogy. What can I say about this that hasn't already been said before? I'll tell you: YEAAHHH GARY OLDMAN!! I LOVE GARY OLDMAN!!!!

This movie is THE quintessential neo-noir movie.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

4/5. Again, what can I say that hasn't already been said before?

SPOILERS: I'm so glad Gary Oldman didn't die because I was almost certain he was going to. Also I love when Batman reveals his identity to Gordon by quoting what Gordon said to him when he was a kid, and of COURSE Gordon realizes because that's just the amazing person he is.

Apostle (2018)

4.5/5. I get that not everybody thinks this movie is good, but I can't help but love it. I think part of it is that it holds a lot of personal appeal (that being Michael Sheen, in case my 10,000 Good Omens posts didn't allude to that).

Here's a list of stuff I liked:

Michael Sheen

Dan Stevens (Now I know he'll never leave me.)

The solid romance subplot.

Michael Sheen

Religious symbolism.

Cults.

Solid historical accuracy in terms of clothing.

I liked this movie up until the very end, where it kinda feels underwhelming. I didn't like the supernatural aspect, which kind of undercut the themes of the movie.

1917 (2019)

5/5. I made a whole slide presentation on why this movie is amazing so I think I'll just link it here.

If you don't want to read all of that, just know that this movie is, a) incredible with historical costuming, b) an effective anti-war film, c) soundtrack is wonderful, d) it will rip your heart out and you will like it. You will like it.

Young Guns (rewatch) (1988)

3/5. A classic slightly-historically-accurate cowboy movie of the eighties. Keifer Sutherland :). Kinda gay. It's a bit boring and forgettable, and the romance aspect isn't that good. If I ever gave it another rewatch, I think I would just turn it off after Billy shoots that traitor, turn it back on for the peyote scene for a laugh, and then turn it off again.

Master and Commander (2003)

4.5/5. My rating may lead you to believe that I like this movie somewhat, but not very much. However, I love this movie so much I can hardly put it into words. There's just something about it. I didn't know I was starving until this movie fed me, to be dramatic. I love how precise it is with historical accuracy. I love the characters. I love the strings duet. I love James D'Arcy. I love Paul Bettany and his flightless birds (GOD I love him in this movie. Doctor characters in period pieces are always my favorites). I love bros. I want to live in this movie, it's so cozy. I want to be a sailor for the British Royal Navy in 1812 so damn bad.

I would recommend this movie. It happens to fit in a personal niche of mine, so I think it's the greatest thing ever, but I understand that not everybody has that same niche lol.

Pride and Prejudice (1995)

5/5. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I prefer this miniseries to the 2005 movie. Maybe it's just because of its intense historical accuracy and closer allegiance to the book (if 2005 is the Hobbit trilogy of P&P adaptations, this is the LOTR trilogy), but this series really makes the book come to life. I think it's mostly because it has way more time to tell the story. Jennifer Elhe is so good as Elizabeth: her sly glances and clever deliveries have made me, a straight girl, fall hopelessly in love with her. Colin Firth falls in love. Just look:

I can't breathe. Look at him.

Damn this series is good. Definitely recommend 100000000%.

Surf's Up (2007)

4.5/5. So damn funny. A good story about penguins surfing to Green Day. A fun relaxer.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

4.5/5. A Christmas classic that I had never seen before. It has charm. It has a Good Omens reference 44 years before it was published ("angel" being confused to mean something gay)

Off Track (Ur Spår)

3.5/5. A Hallmark-y Swedish drama-comedy about an alcoholic single mother who is trying to turn her life around for her daughter, her ex-husband and his new wife, her brother (an amateur athlete training to compete in the Vasa race--a cross-country skiing competition), and his issues with his wife and their inability to conceive. It's not the greatest movie ever made, but what it does have is heaps of heart. Lisa is a character with so much determination, and it's incredibly satisfying when (spoiler) she crosses the finish line--the final person to do so--and she is given a celebratory wreath and the announcer calls her the true hero of the race. I cried. She's been at the bottom of the rank with every chance to turn back, but she endures, just as she does in life. Love her. Her brother on the other hand is sorta scummy and remains scummy throughout the entire movie. It's very easy to not root for him because his arc never really has a resolution. Klara deserves better.

Man of Steel

3.5/5. It's enjoyable. Henry Cavill is perfectly cast as Superman. Love how much of a sweet country boy he is. I kinda hate the way Lois Lane is written, but at the same time she has her moments.

Final Thoughts: I've watched a lot of really popular, big-budget blockbuster movies this year (e.g. LOTR series, Dark Knight series, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc.). In the past I would have avoided movies like these because I always assume that I won't enjoy these types of movies. However, I think this year I was less over-assumptive and was able to sit back and enjoy movies without expecting every single movie to be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

I watched a lot of "dudebro" and male-centric movies in 2023, and though I enjoyed a good number of them, I'd like to watch more movies that are female-centric/feminist/have a good portrayal of women in 2024. I think I enjoyed male-centric movies like Master and Commander because of their nuanced characterization, mostly stemming from the fact that they were written by men and about men. (I don't think it's a bad thing to enjoy movies that celebrate masculinity, like Master and Commander, as long as it's not misogynistic in its celebration.) Some of the movies I watched that feature women are written by men, and therefore the women were underdeveloped and fall into the misogynistic storytelling pitfalls that portray women as stereotypes (whether conscious or not), which is why I'd like to see more movies written by women and about women, to see an honest and nuanced portrayal of women.

[granvarones]

i dreamed about my mother for the first time in a long time last night. waking from those all-too-real dreams used to leave me wallowing in the quicksand of regret over the loss of control over things we had no control of. but not this time. i spent the rest of the day watching shows she loved, like “murder she wrote” and “matlock.” i listened to the music she loved, like donna summer and the pointer sisters. and then i was reminded that my taste for all things queer can be traced back to her.

my mother loved divas. dionne, diana, patti, liza, and tina turner. my mother loved all these women because of the unwavering resilient energy they radiated. beyond their musical prowess and ability to set every stage on fire with their electrifying performances, even as a young music lover, i recognized that they were all an emblem of strength and inspiration – even if i could not communicate why and how. but i knew by watching my mother scream aloud during tina turner’s now legendary 1985 grammy performance, where she so fiercely walked down a staircase that looked as if it was ascending from heaven, that tina turner was the queen of queens. a queen of rock that reigned supreme.

my love for tina officially began upon the release of her single, “we don’t need another hero.” featured in the post-apocalyptic "mad max beyond thunderdome" motion picture starring mel gibson and tina herself, "we don't need another hero," and its accompanying music video captured my imagination in ways that no other diva did before or after. her striking woman warrior presence in a dystopian world refusing to wait for a savior, coupled with the song’s somber sonic tone and powerful lyrics, resonated with me as a queer kid who was ruthlessly teased in school and teased in family circles because of my mother’s struggle with addiction. the song was a kind of rallying cry because even at such a young age, i knew that saviors and messiahs were often simply fairy tales.

out of the ruins

out from the wreckage

i can't make the same mistake this time

we are the children

the last generation

we are the ones they left behind

“mad max beyond thunderdome” and “we don’t need another hero” were released in july 1985, just as the nuclear cold war era was coming to an end. the movie’s theme of communities attempting to rebuild in the aftermath of nuclear war appealed to moviegoers during a time when the cold war era was coming to an end after years of nuclear war between the us and russia. while there was a budding hope in the air of nuclear disarmament, Black and latinx communities were left behind just as the onslaught of the AIDS crisis and crack epidemic was annihilating us. our communities were left out of the vision of a peaceful world.

looking for something

we can rely on

there's got to be something better out there

love and compassion

their day is coming

all else are castles built in the air

tina’s brilliant vocal performance encapsulates her indomitable spirit and invites the listeners to be defiant in a crumbling world. and, for me, the most powerful and compelling part of the song at its climax when she powerfully sings, “all the children say!...” and the children’s choirs beautifully sing the song’s hook:

we don't need another hero

we don't need to know the way home

all we want is life beyond the thunderdome

decades after its release, "we don't need another hero" holds significance in history, pop culture, and my personal story. the song serves as evidence of not just the worlds my mother and myself survived but the new worlds built and rebuilt by those in our communities. it is a lesson of not needing heroes as much as we need each other. maybe that’s why my mother visited me in dreams. to remind me, this is one of the reasons why tina is queen. because her voice changed how we hear, see, feel, and experience the world.

all hail the queen.

rest in power, tina.

[crimsonheart01]

I had a weird obsession with watching the movie The Patriot when I was younger 💀 I mainly watched it for Heath Ledger

We also watched the movie 10 Things I Hate About You a lot in my English class for my senior year 😂

HEATHY IS IN IT? Wowowow if Mel Gibson wasn’t the main actor I’d say I’d have to watch it but alas, I cannot. Melly G is a hard NOPE for me 😆

Ohhh ok, so what you’re saying is that I’m not the only teenager who fantasied that it was me Heath was singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You to and not Julia Stiles???

I was obsessed with Lords of Dogtown, A Knights Tale & Casanova in my younger years. All hreat movies and plus I married my “Skater Boi” so say what you will about Dogtown but at least I’m consistent 😆😆😆

Wow this is bringing up the memories. I guess I’m binging Heath movies this weekend!

[denimbex1986]

'Experiencing Barbenheimer fatigue? Moviegoers aren't, so suck it up.

That Greta Gerwig's "Barbie" is on track for a mere 41 percent drop after its gangbusters $162 million opening weekend shouldn't come as a huge surprise; it received an "A" Cinemascore from audiences, and has crazy repeat-viewing appeal (if only to spot all the visual gags). But Christopher Nolan's "Oppenheimer," which also got an "A" Cinemascore, would, given its unsexy subject matter and three-hour length, seem to have a more clearly defined commercial ceiling. A sobering drama about the creation of the nuclear bomb isn't exactly typical summer movie fodder.

Whether it's the Barbenheimer effect or the Nolan seal of guaranteed quality (the guy just doesn't make bad movies), this much is certain: "Oppenheimer" is an unprecedented box-office sensation. The film is on track for a meager estimated 44 percent dip from its $82 million opening, and should close out the weekend with another $46 million added to its domestic total, which will be the highest grossing second weekend for an R-rated movie in box office history (passing the $43.5 million racked up by "Deadpool 2" in 2018).

And with a deeply underwhelming August on the horizon, "Oppenheimer" appears poised to break at least one more semi-significant record.

A historical drama on the cusp of making box-office history

Hey, maybe they'll wind up being great movies, but the lineup of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem," "Meg 2: The Trench," "The Last Voyage of the Demeter," "Blue Beetle," "Strays" and "Gran Turismo" are not likely to throw a dent into the "Oppenheimer" market. Also, keep this in mind: older viewers, who have been slow to return to theaters, are more likely to wait out the crowds and check out the film when jerkwads aren't commemorating their viewing on their smartphones.

There are two records to keep an eye on here. The first, which should fall easily, is the highest grossing film of all time to never rank number one at the box office. That title currently belongs to Garth Jennings' "Sing," which topped out domestically at $270 million. "Oppenheimer" will finish this weekend with $173 million in domestic ticket sales, and should hold onto enough screens throughout the month to pass that milestone.

The second record is a longshot: highest grossing R-rated movie of all time, for which the domestic record is currently held by Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" at $370 million. Ordinarily, there wouldn't be a high-enough weekly multiplier to get "Oppenheimer" there, but with studios moving wide releases from the fall and winter 2023 schedule because they refuse to pay writers and actors a fair wage (i.e. the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes), "Oppenheimer" could continue to be the best adult-skewing show in the multiplexes.

While I'd love to see Gibson's movie dethroned, it will only happen because studio skinflints have decided to inflict pain on exhibitors at the exact moment moviegoing has returned to pre-pandemic, 2019 levels. That would be a shame.'

[nogmagazine]

Tina Turner Net Worth In 2022: How Much Money Does She Have?

Tina Turner Net Worth In 2022: How Much Money Does She Have?

Tina Turner is one of the most successful solo artists of all time. She is known as the “Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll.” She used to sing with Ike Turner in a duo, but then they broke up and she started singing alone. She has made an impact in the music industry and tried her hand at acting, doing well in a movie with Mel Gibson. She went from being poor as a child to be one of the richest and most…

[radio-flora-tm]

Tina Turner stars opposite Mel Gibson in the post-apocalyptic action flick Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, from 1985. Turner sings two hit songs for the movie: "One Of The Living" and "We Don't Need Another Hero."

[thegeeksideofthemoon]

[flowernets]

stenny hcs...?

STENNY ok

- this is more in canon (i guess) but i love stan and kenny gravitating towards each other whenever cartman and kyle are on their bullshit. but also whenever stan&kyle have their fights or whatever and kenny is always there for him. not as a rebound friend but out of genuine love and concern and support

- they can relate to each other's family issues in a way

- sparky LOVES kenny whenever he comes over. i feel like animals would love kenny and stan loves that

- also #cringe but whenever theyre hanging out or studying or w/e and stan has his "anyways heres wonderwall" moment and pulls out his guitar to kill time kenny (who canonically can sing) often hums along or sings along but its like pretty chill

- love the idea of them hanging out together just the 2 of them (in the mel gibson episode where it alludes to them going to the movies together<3)

- the transgenderism of it all.... (kenny trans stan none binery)

- theyre VERY pda not necessarily in a romantic way but they always have an arm slung over the other and so on and so forth half hugs and being clingy umm exactly exactly.. joined at the hip

- also in canon but in the black friday trilogyyy the way knight stan is all like hail princess kenny i just love the idea of them taking their roles seriously and acting like that all gentleman-y and protective like you knwo what i mean so like its sooo fun and cute. chivalry isnt dead

- gayboy stan marsh isnt immune to nice kind pretty boy kenny

- this is so cringe and fail for me to say but mysterion having a soft spot for stan kinda like in a chat noir/marinette kinda way (whatever)

- i just think theyre neat!

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction... to “Pocahontas II:  Journey to a New World”

Who decided that this was a good idea?  Who?

OH it just starts right away!  Oh dang.  No opening logo or nothing.

I will be extremely surprised if they somehow managed to wrangle Mel Gibson back as John Smith

AN:  It’s his younger brother Donal Gibson

Also this is such a strange way to start a movie about Pocahontas- a rooftop sword fight

What am I watching?

Why is the King of England wanting to start a war with the- oh wowww the animation really dipped

“Walt Disney Home Video” well that explains everything

How did they get the news of John Smith’s “death” already?  Mail must travel really freaking fast over the Atlantic

If this setting was animated with the original animation crew for the first movie, this scene with Pocahontas in the snow would look gorgeous

Wait wasn’t her necklace broken in the first movie?

It would have been interesting if we actually see a shot of Pocahontas just reacting to the news of John Smith’s “death”.  That way we as viewers just feel the gravitas and impact it has on her instead of just cutting to the shot of the ship leading into the opening credit bit.

Oh that shot [of Pocahontas above the frozen river in the snow) is gorgeous

“I beg your pardon!”  “All right.  You have it.”  *snorts*

I almost feel like they put a little more effort into the culture of Pocahontas’s tribe.  I mean I don’t know if it’s entirely accurate- probably not- but it feels like it.

HEY GET THIS THOUGH.  The original screenwriters thought that taking the plot of this movie for the FIRST one would be too complicated and violent.  WOW.

AND they took creative license anyway because of the actual story of Pocahontas is... not great.  Look I’m not even gonna deny that even though they made creative differences in order to convey the story to a younger audience and you can tell some of the filmmakers mean well to be partially accurate but the other executives just want the movie to make money and that’s it.  They don’t care that even though racism is addressed like in little spoonfuls here, it’s still racism.

Plus Katzenburg didn’t really have the balls to address the effect of assimilation or the whole “noble savage” concept.  He just wanted the moolah.

AN:  I’m sorry if I’m ranting but I’ve written ESSAYS ABOUT THIS.  I spent an ENTIRE SEMESTER writing about this stuff.  Seriously.

ALSO ALSO FUN FACT:  GREGORY PECK was originally cast as the spiritual ancestor in the first movie but he dropped out because he made the point to the writers that the character had to be a maternal figure instead of a male one.  Boom now we have Grandmother Willow.

Also I like that when the Indians first see the horse, they’re a little perturbed by it.

Meanwhile my anthropology part of my brain is just screaming

Oh my God I just realized where I’ve heard the actor that played Powhatan from... he’s the Navajo man from “Natural Born Killers”. 

Also yes I have seen “Natural Born Killers”

One kudos I’ll grant to this is that they put more nuance into Pocahontas’s facial expressions.  You can see her squint in frustration or just glare someone into oblivion.

Or this scene where her best friend says goodbye.  There is just so much emotion in this shot alone.  The animators had to have used reference shots for bits like this.

*Meeko gets stuck in the mop for cleaning the deck*  Comedy

“And honor is the backbone of our civilization.”  OK we’re getting somewhere.

Ah yes, London.  Nothing but the colors purple, yellow, blue and cobblestone as far as the eye can see.

Also yes England so they’re gonna throw in EVERY stereotypical European clothing style EVER on the general population

Freaking Shakespeare...

They bumped up the animation whenever Ratcliffe shows up.  Priorities.

Mrs. Potts is the teapot on the table!

You can tell that the writers are TrYinGGgg to mature the characters by addressing that yes Ratcliffe is manipulating the king to do what he wants. 

“You look lovely... in your underwear-”  SHE’S WEARING MORE THAN WHAT SHE ORIGINALLY WORE.  WHY ARE YOU AVERTING YOUR EYES?

*Pocahontas tries putting the corset on as a bonnet*  Yes

Why is Mrs. Jenkins giving Pocahontas a crinoline?  In 17th century London?  The hoop idea didn’t even come around until like the 1850s

Unless it’s a farthingale.  But it’s obviously NOT

“John’s always had a fondness for girls with curls.”  HMM

The sound of Pocahontas’s necklace hitting the table sounds exactly like those really thick magnetic rocks clashing together

This movie definitely has a different vibe from the first one.  It’s just focused on letting these events happen and there’s an emphasis on scale.  Like they let this scene where Pocahontas finally meets the king pause because she does not know how to address him.

Oh!  And the general population is established by them just being really curious about her and not immediately cursing her.  They’re just as “ooh and aah” about her as she is about them.

The king is 100% voiced by Jim Cummings

Oh man this animation... rough...

WHAT?!?

Did... did I just step into a different movie?  What the heck am I watching? 

This song is like a weird hybrid of “Playing with the Big Boys” from Prince of Egypt and one of the other songs from Hunchback of Notre Dame

Bear baiting?  What?

Discount Strider there’s gotta be John Smith

That animation of John Smith walking toward the screen was definitely rotoscoped

If the rest of this third act is just this weird sword fight, I’m signing out

Oh so no... third act fight?

“You [John Rolfe] love her.”  I mean it’s a little weak sauce but I can tell they tried.

I just realized what’s up with this movie:  it’s like a really weak Wonder Woman movie.  Seriously.

I... have actually no idea how the rest of the third act is gonna go.

What exactly is Governor Ratcliffe governor of?

John Smith is not written well at all in this movie.  And I don’t know what to think of his “mmm hmm good show old sport” back and forth with Rolfe

OK so if we’re gonna end this movie with the ships clashing together and a weird sword fight on board, at least tell me Pocahontas is gonna duke it out with Ratcliffe where she sends him overboard.  Please.

*John fights him instead*  COME ON

Well that was disappointing

They’re TRYING to amp up the romance between these two and it’s just... eehhh so close... but dishonest.

Whoever is voicing John Smith is like trying to do some pseudo-British version of Mel Gibson and it’s weird

I do like this contrast between John Smith who is like “I have great plans for exploring the world where we can always be together” and John Rolfe who is like “I want to establish a peace between us two without forsaking each other” and I wish more effort was spent on THAT

BUT WE CAN’T.  For historical reasons.

John Rolfe, what kind of shirt are you wearing?!?

THEY SAVED THE BEAR!

Hmm.  It just ended.

IS THIS JUDY KUHN AND BILLY ZANE SINGING IN THE END CREDITS??

[snowlessknitter]

The Masked Singer: S6, E2 (Season Premiere, Part 2) Running Commentary

So…will my guess of Vivica A. Fox being Mother Nature be proven correct? We’ll find out at the beginning of tonight’s episode. Then, two Wildcards will be joining Group A in this episode. When all is said and done, one more celebrity will be unmasked. As always, I post these before I watch any unmasking, so these are my guesses, not spoilers.

Hamster 🐹: Our first wildcard of the season. There was a poster of Alcatraz, which could indicate he’s from San Francisco. He also says he’s shaped like a hamster. My initial guess here is Dave Coulier, since he was on Full House (set in San Francisco), and I don’t think it’s John Stamos because his voice is a little more dreamier, while Dave Coulier is well known for using silly voices. And his singing voice did sound like it had a little comedic effect to it.

Skunk 🦨: Went to college, but left after getting some unexpected news. There was also a reference to golf. The Internet consensus seems to suggest it’s Faith Evans, who dropped out of college in order to have a baby (this was before her relationship and marriage to the Notorious B.I.G.). Some of the clues could also point to Lauryn Hill, but it doesn’t quite sound like her.

Pufferfish 🐡: Grew up in a very religious family. The Internet consensus seems to think this is a Braxton sister, but is it Toni or is it Tamar? I’m kind of leaning toward Tamar because Toni’s usual singing voice is much lower, but when she got into the rap section, she totally sounded like Toni. So, I’m just gonna go with A Braxton sister.

Bull 🐮: This bull can certainly hit some high notes! Early Internet consensus indicates that this is Todrick Hall. The clues still aren’t coming together for me, but I’ll keep Todrick in mind.

Baby 👶: Sounds like he’s talking in a British or Australian accent and has been in blockbuster movies. Seems he was most active in the 1990s. I know Bruce Willis released an album, but Mel Gibson used to talk in an Australian accent before he made it big as an action star. But I don’t know if his singing voice would sound like that. Just as a wild guess, I’m going with Mel Gibson.