#mental illness really do got you fighting to do the things which bring you exclusively joy and happiness.

[mielmoto]

huge event today was. a lot. nothing catastrophic, but some things which could have gone better, and sooooo overwhelming for like. 12 hours.

gonna take me a while to properly reset, so, I'm still floating out in the ether. my love to all of you, mwah mwah. edit: forgot the kiss kiss! for shame.

[slickbackdani]

Batman Movie Villains Ranked from Worst to Best

Recently, a YouTuber I follow by the name of Mr. Rogues released a list of Batman villains ranked from worst to best. I have nothing but the utmost of respect for Mr. Rogues as a content creator, but I took issue with his list because his long-standing biases were often the deciding factor in many of his rankings. So, I decided to do a list of my own.

I’ll be going over every Batman villain to appear in the movies, briefly analyzing their portrayals and ranking them on a scale of 1 to 5. To prevent the list from being too cluttered, I’ll be separating the villains by which movie series they’re part of. Here we go!

Burton/Schumacher Tetralogy

Bane: Perhaps the only villain in this series I’d call “bad.” The calculating tactician of the comics is nowhere to be found here; instead, he’s reduced to a monosyllabic, brain-dead stooge for the other villains. Overall, he does nothing that couldn’t be done by a random henchman. 1/5

Two-Face: A deeply layered villain in the comics, Two-Face sadly gets upstaged by the other major rogue in the movie, but that’s not to say he doesn’t leave an impression. Tommy Lee Jones gives him a manic and mercurial demeanor that, combined with his colorful design, wouldn’t be out of place in the Adam West series. The size and scope of his criminal organization make him a genuine threat, and there’s something darkly fitting about Batman’s former ally being responsible for the creation of Robin. 3/5

Poison Ivy: Mr. Rogues for some reason ranked her as the worst Batman movie villain of all time, and frankly, I don’t see why. Like Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, Uma Thurman gives this character a delightfully over-the-top demeanor that combines with a colorful, comic-booky ensemble to make for another great “what-if-this-character-appeared-in-the-Adam-West-series” take. She does a good job juggling the differing facets of Ivy’s character: she’s the put-upon cynic, the craven opportunist, the radical eco-terrorist, and the suave seductress all in one package. 3.5/5

The Penguin: Fuck the Razzies. Danny DeVito made this role his own and set the stage for the character for years to come. He’s a bit of a departure, but a welcome one: far from the refined gentleman of crime Burgess Meredith portrayed, this Penguin is an animalistic thug warped by a lifetime of anger and hatred of the society who rejected him due to his deformities. His signature wardrobe, trick umbrellas, and Penguin gimmick are all there, but DeVito sells the role by showing amazing versatility: he can go from a comical and pitiable weirdo to a terrifying sociopath at the drop of a stovepipe hat. 4/5

Mr. Freeze: I honestly can’t say much about this character that my mutual @wonderfulworldofmichaelford hasn’t already. Arnold Schwarzenegger perfectly encapsulates both popular versions of this character: the flamboyant, pun-loving criminal genius from the Adam West series and the Animated Series’ traumatized scientist desperate to cure his loving wife of her terminal illness. Sure, the puns and hammy one-liners are what this version character is known for, but Ahnold definitely knows when to apply the brakes and give a greatly emotional performance as he tries desperately to cure his wife. 4.5/5

Max Shreck: Probably the only time you’ll see a movie-exclusive character on this list, and deservedly so. Corrupt businessmen are dime-a-dozen in Batman stories, and most of them have little personality outside of being greedy scumbags who either get defeated by the hero or betrayed by the other villains. Shreck, however, is different. Not only does he have an eye-catching fashion sense on par with any of Batman’s famous rogues, but Christopher Walken brings his signature manic intensity to the role, creating a character that’s as wicked and sinister as he is cool and stylish. You totally buy that the general public sees him as the good guy. His warm relationship with his son is also a delight to watch. 4.5/5

Catwoman: Michelle Pfeiffer does a lot to really make the character her own. She gets a lot of genuinely badass moments, but underneath all of her coolness lies the undercurrent that she’s a broken, traumatized character lashing out at the people who abused her and took her for granted. Even when she takes these ideals to unreasonable extremes, you never stop feeling like the retribution she brings on her enemies is at least a little warranted. Also, she has amazing romantic chemistry with Batman and her costume is fucking metal. 5/5

The Ridder: It’s Jim Carrey. 5/5

The Joker: This role is perhaps the one that set the standard for future Jokers to follow: Jack Nicholson’s humorous yet unnerving performance signaled to audiences early on that this would not be the goofy trickster of the Silver Age, but a different beast entirely. This Joker is a film noir gangster on crack: a disfigured mob hitman who quickly takes the entire criminal underworld by storm and unleashes his special brand of chaos and destruction across Gotham. He’s an artist, a showman, a charismatic leader, and the man responsible for ruining Bruce Wayne’s life. 5/5

Christopher Nolan Trilogy

Talia al Ghul: You know that recent trend in Disney movies where a side character we thought was harmless and inconsequential turned out to have been the villain all along in a twist with no buildup or foreshadowing with the reveal happening too late in the movie for this character to really do anything cool or impressive before being unceremoniously defeated? That’s Talia. DKR is the weakest of the three Nolan films, and I feel like it would’ve been much better received without this twist villain contrivedly shoehorned in. Also, while I could kinda forgive the trilogy’s whitewashing of other villains like Ra’s al Ghul and Bane due to the talent their actors display, Marion Cotillard doesn’t get a pass because she just doesn’t have the charisma or screen presence needed to pull it off. 1/5

Victor Zsasz: While the idea of redefining Zsasz as an over enthusiastic mob hitman instead of a serial killer is very interesting, it’s ruined by the fact that he barely even appears in the movie and doesn’t really do or say much of anything despite the buildup he gets. 1.5/5

Two-Face: Aaron Eckhart portrays Harvey Dent as a character of tragedy in a slightly different way than other tragic villains in superhero movies: he’s lashing out at a society he feels wronged him, but instead of being a lifelong outcast or put-upon loser, he was a handsome, successful crusader for the common good who lost everything he once held dear all in one fell swoop. You really feel for him even as he does horrible things. If I had to nitpick, though, I am slightly bothered by the fact that he plays some comic book movie cliches straight (i.e. they never call him by his alias and he dies at the end,) but it’s a solid performance overall. 3/5

Scarecrow: I’ll be upfront and admit that I’m more than a little annoyed that certain facets of the character had been changed in the name of “realism” — once again, they never call him by his villain name and he never wears a comic-accurate costume — but other than that, I can’t complain. Cillian Murphy plays the character with a smarmy, eerie charm that really makes his scenes stand out, his willingness to ally himself with other villains suits his character well, and the fact that he appears in three consecutive films with a different evil scheme in each really helps tie the movies together. 3.5/5

Catwoman: Much like other secondary villains in this trilogy, she really doesn’t get a chance to shine compared to the main antagonist — and, once again, it pisses me off a little that they do the whole “never refer to her as Catwoman but vaguely hint at it” thing — but she’s everything a modern Catwoman should be. She’s sly, manipulative, really holds her own in a fight, has great chemistry with Bruce Wayne... it’s all there. It’s also great to see Anne Hathaway break away from her usual type casting to play a role this dynamic. 4/5

Ra’s al Ghul: He’s a character that was in desperate need of mainstream exposure, and by God that’s what he got. Making him Bruce Wayne’s mentor adds a layer of personal tragedy to the climax where our hero has to stop the man who made him who he is from destroying Gotham with his admittedly brilliant plan. Add in a strong, captivating performance from Liam Neeson before we found out he was a racist asshole, and we’ve got one hell of an overarching villain. 4.5/5

The Joker: Everybody’s already discussed this version of the character to hell and back and likely will for years to come, so I’ll keep it very brief. He’s funny, he’s badass, he’s terrifying, he has great dialogue, it sucks that Heath Ledger didn’t live to see his performance reach the audience it got, and he basically makes the entire film. 5/5

Bane: Mr. Rogues actually ranked Bane higher than Joker on his list, and keeping it 100, I actually agree with him here. Finally, after decades of being dumbed down and misrepresented outside of comics, Bane is finally portrayed as the tactical genius from the comics. Tom Hardy plays Bane to perfection, being very believable as the peak of human physical and mental achievement, the man who broke Batman physically and emotionally. His design is iconic, his every line is quotable, his voice is weirdly fitting, and the memes are funny. 5/5

DC Extended Universe

KGBeast: Another point where I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Rogues. He is absolutely wasted in BVS, being nothing but a generic henchman for Lex Luthor. He doesn’t wear his costume from the comics, he’s never referred to by his alias, he doesn’t have his signature cybernetic enhancements, and he never does or says anything noteworthy. 1/5

The Joker: Ugh. I don’t know what’s worst: the tacky clothes, the stupid tattoos, the weird Richard Nixon impression that passes as his voice, the fact that promotional material hyped him up as a “beautiful tragedy” of a character even though he’s only in the movie for like 10 minutes and barely does anything, Jared Leto’s toxic edgelord behavior on set done with the flimsy pretense of “getting into character,” or the fact that he’s just trying to copy Heath Ledger instead of making the role his own. 1/5

Victor Zsasz: Chris Messina proves undoubtedly that Zsasz CAN work as a secondary villain in a Batman movie. He’s once again a mob assassin who enjoys his job a little too much, but unlike Batman Begins, he really gets time to shine. He’s just as sadistic and depraved as in the comics, but he also has this disarming, casual demeanor about him like he’s just indulging a hobby instead of slicing innocent people’s faces off. His close friendship with his boss Black Mask adds some depth to the character as well. 3/5

Killer Croc: Sadly, he doesn’t get much time in the spotlight, but he’s pretty cool nonetheless. The makeup and prosthetics used to create him look amazing, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje’s deep voice and imposing body language make him really stand out as an intimidating presence. He’s often in the background, which fits his role as an outcast by choice and a man of few words, but whenever he does get focus, he has everyone’s attention. It really would be a shame if this character’s only appearance was in a mediocre schlock action movie, but he makes the most of what he has. 3.5/5

Deadshot: Another highlight of what would otherwise be a forgettable film, Deadshot is just as cool and competent as he’s always been in other media, but this portrayal stands out for one simple reason. Will Smith was a very odd choice to play the role, but it worked out for the best here because you get the sense he truly understands the characters. He’s ruthless and pragmatic, but has just as enough charm and depth to make him likable. 4/5

Black Mask: I, like many, was skeptical when I saw early trailers depicting Roman Sionis as a foppish weirdo who doesn’t wear his signature mask, but upon seeing the final movie, I really feel like he has the high ground over other DCEU villains. Ewan McGregor is endlessly captivating in the role, portraying him as a swaggering dandy who is nevertheless dangerous due to his boundless narcissism and explosive temper. Sure, those who deal in absolutes would be put off from the differences with his comic counterpart — who is far more cold and humorless — but from a certain point of view, this flamboyant take on the character isn’t so much a departure as it is an addition to make him stand out while keeping his role the same. Black Mask has always been a middleman between the traditional mobsters of yesteryear and the colorful rogues that plague Gotham today, and this portrayal perfectly encapsulates that. He works in the shadows, but isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty; he flies off the handle and gets reckless at times, but there’s no question that the whole operation was his idea. 5/5

Harley Quinn: Margot Robbie owns this role. She’s unbelievably dazzling as a badass, funny, sexy antihero who deals greatly with tragedy and proves that there’s always been more to her than her initial role as the Joker’s sidekick. Again, not much to say, but she’s almost perfect. 5/5

[eeriestatic]

📜📜 Liam

📜📜 Knox

📜📜 Lex

Liam:

📜 Much prior, he was actually pretty close to all his brothers until the over exposure manifested a troublesome image for him, ultimately it made lies in his mind overtime for he was considered the more sensitive sibling to the world. It made them drift, but neither did he address the problem with them - all after what was happening as well. It could’ve been prevented if he spoken up, but at most, he’s been much preferred to be a quiet child and that became an unfortunate reflection on his brothers. Especially Knox, given he looks a lot like his father and even shares in many of his traits. But neither is he that, given from the poor parenting, Knox had to make up for that for sometime until his siblings were older. Leading to Liam’s unstable sense of security along the way, despite how close he was to his siblings, he wasn’t able to talk to them and mostly due to Knox. Lex was already too far gone in those lines, given what he done, and it stuck to him hating his siblings and comparing them to only his parents. Niles as well(the middle supposed perished brother), but he wasn’t put in the same spot as the other two were. That was a strange brother, but he was the only one safe from his wrath due to his condition, Liam didn’t have it in him to hurt him. Although, when he found out Jojo oof him, he wasn’t really happy about it and it really broke his heart. However, the leonte brothers are all understanding and it was action done in self defense, it didn’t hurt him any less but he didn’t bear any anger in response and it didn’t damage their friendship. And surely enough, they others would understand.

📜 Liam could really make due without putting Lex in harms way, but in the end, neither sibling knows what troubles him, and even their efforts were fruitless in nature as well. However, it only feels extra personal against Knox, due to the face he had no choice having sadly. Despite all the things Knox did just to appease, didn’t help, but it was all difficult for a family oriented image of siblings. Though his fathers image was projected onto Knox, so was Liam’s exposure of their doing and it targeted him the most, leaving his eldest brother to bear the weight of his hate the most. Perhaps even a little insecurity, but he knew nothing of what was happening to Knox either, as odd as it was to feel insecure about that kind of attention he gained, despite being the one who was the favourite. His problem was most on their though inability of him, but it could’ve been resolved before it got worse if his parents weren’t so selective in terms of use.  But just as his brothers didn’t know what Liam’s intention was after things started going downhill, he neither knew what the others were or Knox’s, even if it was all good intention on his side. With one trouble though, their parents didn’t try doing anything to help them and fix what spiral hell they lead the siblings into with each other.

Knox: 

📜 As much as Knox had to fill many shoes for his parents thanks to their uselessness, he was the sibling who had to step in, once against his parents once they had the intention of dispatching Niles from his manifesting issues. He was already and eyeless serpentine when he was brought into the world, they didn’t want to deal with anymore problems- although Niles wasn’t helpless like that. Though they considered him defective, and much to their dismay, deadweight from the other problems he was having and forming. But of course, Knox didn’t like that, and while his parents chose to bear that mercy, they wanted nothing to do with him and Knox was left to take care of him after that. Even being in the same household, it was no different in the end, Knox didn’t want anything bad to happen to his brothers even if it slowly deteriorated his own mental health from what was happening. Niles was the unfortunate brother to harbour a developing dissociative fugue as he got older, if not following first with traces of echophenomena in the beginning - unfortunately that was far out of his control. Though after a certain of period, he was taking care of him to the point Niles didn’t know himself anymore and who Knox was either. Yet, still he done everything for him, just as he would his other brothers, even if he didn’t know what caused it, Knox was subject to numerous mimicry even if he was seen as a stranger after. Let alone periodic times trying to help him keep his name in mind and who he was. In time, once Niles vanished and forgotten who or where he was and his past decayed with his memory that wasn’t resurfacing, Knox was searching for him just as much as he was looking for Liam. He’d lost two siblings.

📜 He often taken up many things for his siblings, much so they didn’t need to. Though that also meant that the responsibilities were compiled on him and so was the punishment, should things go wrong. However, yet he found the time to take care of his siblings as well, even if that meant he often carried them around when they were smaller snakes. Often was the case, they were still considered kids, and he’d cart them around with them on his frame during his work and chores. Though even if that meant he had do go out and do business, they still came with him, for he didn’t think they were safe at home either with the poor parenting. As much as his parents would splay they loved them all, and whole, Knox had a hard time taking that into any reason, even if he believed they could be better if they tried. Knox was simply protective over them, what more they were more vulnerable as they were. Even if that meant they could lose their minds and use him as a snake jungle gym, he wanted them to have fun too.

Lex: 

📜 Lex was considered a monster, according to his parents(more so his father). Given at the time he got his messed up mutation, he didn’t like it and simply used him as the last line of defense incase something happened to Knox. Although he had a blind affection for his parents thanks to the snakes that chewed up his memories somewhat, but even then, he still thought they could do better like Knox. Surely they could’ve been called blind, though they didn’t want to think ill from how strong they had a family orientation. Yet Lex still values his parents in the end, he’s not nearly as blind to the reality they face. But not only did he get chosen to be the counter measure against Liam, he agreed to it for the sake of keeping Liam safe too if he ever did somehow reach them. Sure his mutation was considered monstrous, it was also strong enough to fend off his parents incase they decided to fight back against him, in which they could severely harm Liam without intention to kill him. In the end, if it came down to the two, he’d side with Liam even if he himself, would die too for it by him. He’d not have the ability to fight or hurt Liam, only protect him in hopes he can at least be happy after the end concluded.

📜 Lex’s snakes can be very active at any point, even while he’s sleeping. Or unconscious as well, but the one thing he finds a lot of comfort in is when they’d coil around and wrap him up when he’s sleeping. Like a bunch of dogs on the bed, but it’s just him. They often only come out during times like that because they know he’s most vulnerable and they also want to bring him comfort, even if that means acting like space consuming pups and clingy ones. He doesn’t mind, for it does their intended purpose and they keep him comfortable and safe. Although now, that’s not only exclusive to him because of his partner. Given sleeping with Maestro, he’d likely be subject to that too, even if he might not need it of course, they would still insist on trying to wrap him up and cuddle him with Lex too. Sorry, Maestro, there isn’t warding them off no matter what you do, it’s full struggle snuggle if you try getting away(gfhjs)

[starblazerm31]

The Courtiers as Shitty Retail Customers

This HC of mine seems to have gotten lost in the miasma somewhere.  It was an ask I had gotten in response to the Main 6 as Retail Workers HC.

Now...as a note...everything I write here I have seen/happened to me personally. EVERYTHING.  These are not your typical “Karen” stories. 

Content warnings: Bodily fluids (blood, vomit, feces, etc.).  Blatant rudeness.  Flagrant stupidity. THEFT.  Disturbing malevolent behavior.  Unwanted butt pinching.

The Courtiers As Shitty Retail Customers (cont. of Main 6 as Retail Workers)

Valdemar

That customer who leaves unexplained blood spatters ALL OVER the single bathroom.  They didn’t seem injured when they went in...but after they came out, everyone swears they committed a murder in there.  Poor Julian got pegged to clean it up since he’s the one certified in hazardous spills and Muriel was off that day.

The customer who stares at everyone in a really uncomfortable way.  Like...are they planning on slitting someone's throat right here in the store?  Please don’t...the employees really don’t want to have to deal with the inquiry and paperwork.

The customer who will grab a worker and just...occupy them.  Talking.  Oddly.  About anything and yet absolutely nothing.  But still dropping the most uncomfortable TMI.  One time, they grabbed Asra and just HAD to go into explicit detail about how they skin an animal after hunting.  And how much they love Satan.

The customer who will ask a really dangerous request of the worker they swept up just hoping to see them get hurt.  One time, he asked Julian to check on a specific tire which was WAAAAAY up on the top of the huge tire rack.  Chuckled to himself when the tire fell on Julian and almost broke his arm while he was ten feet in the air on a ladder.

Gets really offended when an employee gets too close.  "Come any closer and I'll stab you."  Julian:  "Do it.  Five cameras can see you RIGHT. NOW.

*flashes a knife at Muriel*  Muriel:  "My dick is bigger."

Volta

That customer who grabs food off of the shelf, eats it, then deposits the empty (or half-empty) wrapper/bottle on another shelf in another part of the store.

She once stole some things from the store and got a big head about it.  So she decided to come back the very next night to steal some more.  All the employees were wise to her and watched her very closely.  She stuffed a bunch of items up her shirt and made her way to the door.  Nadia and Muriel were standing there waiting for her.  She panicked and dropped everything out of her shirt in front of everyone (all the employees proceeded to point at her and laugh) and then walked out in a hurry.

When free snacks are offered to customers, she proceeds to stuff her face while spilling the snacks all over the store.  She leaves a trail of chips/popcorn wherever she walks.

Somehow managed to knock down an entire shelf of gallon jugs of water.  The water jugs all exploded on the floor.  It looked like a Noah's Ark situation.

Walked by Muriel and proceeded to suddenly vomit onto the floor.

Will unfold and an entire shelf of shirts (about an hour's worth of work) just to be a bitch.

Tried to steal a "Try Me" stick of deodorant that literally hundreds of people had touched.  Saw that she was being watched by Muriel, so she proceeded to look Muriel right in the eye and apply the deodorant.  Muriel:  "...I hope she gets sick."

*grabs Nadia*  "I think that worker is spying on me!" *points to Julian*  "He keeps following me around!"  Julian is stocking shelves, not even paying attention to her.  "And his body odor is really offensive!"  *Nadia looks to her dubiously*  "I'm sorry about that.  Here, let me fix it."  *walks over to Julian, explains the situation, and then gets on the radio*  "Watch the customer in accessories, they are behaving strangely."  Thirty minutes later, Volta is being escorted out by police for theft.  Julian:  "Body odor!  *huffs* Enjoy the lockup BO you're gonna have tomorrow, bitch."

Vlastomil

Brings in Wiggler.  "He's my emotional support worm!"

Wiggler pees on the floor.  Is asked to take his pet out of the store.  Proceeds to scream about how the store targets the mentally ill.  (Muriel has to go to the back to rage in private with Asra)

Asks about products, and then proceeds to criticize the store for even carrying such  "ridiculous" items.

Brings a fuckload of coupons, and expects them to be applied to clearance items.  Finds out that coupons cannot be honored for clearance items, and leaves two whole shopping carts of random items for the staff to reshelf.

"I can't see myself spending $3 on THAT."

To Asra:  "I'm going to need your employee discount."  Asra:  "So...I can move in with you tonight?"  Vlastomil:  "What?"  Asra:  "Well, if I give you my discount, I will be promptly fired.  I have a snake to take care of.  If I lose my job, I lose my apartment and my ability to feed myself and my snake.  Since YOU would be responsible for my getting fired, I'd expect YOU to take care of me and my snake afterward.  So...I can move in with you tonight?"  Vlastomil:  "...nevermind."

"The handsome manager said I could get this item with a 10% discount because it's not the brand I'm wanting."  Julian:  "Lucio isn't here today."  Vlastomil:  "He said it the other day."  Julian:  "He has to actually be here and tell me that himself, sorry.  He'll be here tomorrow, try again then."

Went into the bathroom.  A few minutes later, came out and grabbed Muriel and said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned.  Muriel looked inside and was APPALLED by the sight of feces smeared EVERYWHERE.  The floor, all of the stall doors, the trash can, the sinks, the toilets.  Vlastomil:  "Yeah, I had an accident."  Muriel did not hide his disgust and went to get the cleaning cart.  Threatened to quit that night.  Muriel:  "This is the kind of stuff DOCTORS AND NURSES deal with!  They get paid at least $20 an hour!  I make MINIMUM FUCKING WAGE!!!"

Vulgora

The customer that snaps at every single employee that speaks to them.

"No one likes (sports team)!  Why the hell do you even carry merch for this shitty team?!" (because there are more fans of that sports team than of the team that THEY like in that particular area)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S A PENALTY FOR LETTING MY LAYAWAY EXPIRE?!  I WANT MY FULL REFUND!!!"

"RETURN THIS ITEM!"  Portia: "We don't carry this item."  Vulgora:  "YES YOU DO, I BOUGHT IT HERE!!"  Portia:  "I'm sorry, but this item is exclusive to (different store)."  Vulgora:  "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!  LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!"  Nadia proceeds to tell them the EXACT. SAME. THING.  Vulgora:  "YOU'RE ALL MORONS!  I'M CALLING CORPORATE!"

"How do I install a trailer hitch?"  Julian:  "I'm sorry, I don't know."  Vulgora:  "Well they just need to employ a trained monkey here!"  Julian:  "We ARE accepting applications, you know."

"Is this shit real gold?"  Portia:  "Yes, 18k."  Vulgora:  "How much is it?"  Portia:  *looks*  "$250."  Vulgora:  "What gold do you have for $20?"  Portia:  "Nothing."

"I WILL CLIMB OVER THIS DESK AND MESS YOU UP!"  Portia: *points to the camera aimed directly at them*  "Do it.  I'll see you in court."

They lost their place in line because they had to go and look at something.  When the person behind them stepped up to the register and started to get their items rung up, they dashed back in front of the person and grabbed Portia's arm to stop her from ringing up the other person's items.  Drew back in shock and horror when Portia immediately balled up her fist and held it threateningly at them.  Nadia was standing right there next to Portia.  Nadia:  "You need to leave.  Right now."  After they left, Nadia looked to Portia and said: "You wouldn't have gotten in trouble if you'd hit them, you know."  Portia:  "No one grabs me.  No one."

"YOU'RE HIDING ALL OF THE STORE EXCLUSIVE POP FIGURES IN THE BACK SO YOU IDIOTS CAN BUY THEM ALL AND SELL THEM ON EBAY!!"  Julian:  "I'm sorry, but you're incorrect.  That Pop figure is $8, and no one here wants to lose their job over an $8 figure.  Plus...the figure you're wanting isn't at this store anyway."  Vulgora:  "AND WHY NOT?!"  Julian:  "...Because it's sold online only." *shows them the online info that clearly states "online-only"*

Valerius

The customer who expects an employee to follow them around with a basket while they shop.

"Is this organic?"  Julian:  "Yes, sir, it is."  Valerius:  "I don't believe you.  Places like this can't possibly carry organic items."

Left an ENTIRE. PILE. of tried-on clothes in the dressing room when the limit on items was 4.

Opened at least 20 different tubes of lipstick and swiped them on his arm.  Put them all back on the shelf.  Asra could be heard swearing as he had to pull each lipstick off of the shelf and dispose of them since they were no longer sanitary and could not be sold.  "Couldn't he just steal?  It would have been so much easier..."

Comes into the store drunk off his ass and acts belligerent to everyone he sees.  Gets so OFFENDED when asked to leave.

"Are these diamonds real?"  Asra:  "They are lab-grown."  Valerius:  "So they aren't real."  Asra:  "They are lab-grown, so they are synthetic diamonds." Valerius:  "So they aren't real."  Asra:  *sighs* "They wouldn't be sold for just $50 if they were."

Starts fights with other customers because he thinks "They're weird."

The customer who accosts other customers, thinking they work there.  Even though they AREN'T. WEARING. A. UNIFORM.

Stuffs a pile of clothes he decided he doesn't want behind the tampons.

Demands that the single bathroom be unlocked, even though the single bathroom being locked means that it's occupied.

"How do these pants make my package look?"  Julian:  "...I'm not going to look, sir.  But they make your calves look amazing."

Walked by Asra and pinched his ass.  Looked so shocked when Asra whirled around and yelled at him.  Valerius: "Hey, I thought you would like that!"  Asra:  "I CLEARLY DID NOT!  That is called SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!  YOU GO TO JAIL FOR THAT!!!"

[illegiblewords]

Hooooooo boy.

So apparently villain fan versus villain fan discourse is kicking up.

Have some reiterated opinions, some fresh ones, and some weird ones. Technically this is vagueblogging about some specific stuff but intent is no-drama here.

Emet-Selch versus Vauthry fan wank seems to be happening, which I’m sighing over because it’s a kind of ridiculous argument to have imo. Neither of these dudes are good people. Like we can debate accountability ‘til the cows come home and as I’ve been saying my opinions on insanity plea are strong. But like. I think at the very best we can argue for is a moral gray.

I can get Emet-Selch as a fallen hero/hero of Amaurot and for that reason haven’t been overly bothered by the “hero” line in the extreme fight. Vauthry is tragic but he’s basically inflicting forced cannibalism and mind control en masse. I personally am not of the opinion that he would qualify for a realistic insanity plea, so that impacts my measure of accountability. He’s also extremely, EXTREMELY familiar to me in how he thinks and behaves due to people I’ve encountered over the years. I understand how he got to a place where he thought those measures were acceptable. A form of mental illness is absolutely in play there as I read him, but it would not count toward the legal definition of insanity and for me that is significant.

As it stands, trying to claim whose behavior is less wrong is a stupid game to play when it’s genocide versus mass murder/forced cannibalism. Generally I’d rather opt out of that one because neither of these actions are things most people want to emulate. It seems like fans are more trying to decide who is moral enough to be allowed compassion/caring and who isn’t, which is an even more stupid game to play to my mind.

I don’t think having compassion and empathy for Emet-Selch or Vauthry are problems so much as selective compassion/empathy. As in “X person isn’t allowed to have compassion/empathy”.

I belong very much to the school of “everyone counts”. This means that in life some people inevitably go bad and commit atrocities that need to be stopped even if that means their death. It’s a very tragic thing when that happens and should be mourned, at least because if things had gone differently maybe the person would have turned out better. As long as you are able to remember the humanity of all involved (with the messiness that entails), odds are you’ll be able to navigate tough situations alright imo. When you start pretending some people are less than human, acceptable targets, or whose suffering otherwise doesn’t count--that’s extremely dangerous imo. It makes it easy to dismiss another person’s pain, which in turn makes it much easier to be cruel or callous. Sometimes needlessly.

Some additional bits:

- Emet-Selch did not say he would see the Sundered as less-than-human/not-really-alive/acceptable-targets if he wasn’t tempered. Attributing as much to him is literally, factually untrue. Moreover even if he had said it--he is an unreliable narrator on this front. He doesn’t know, he got tempered by the most powerful primal in existence. I’ve talked about how he lives the trolley problem before as well, which being added to tempering I think only exacerbates the level that he’s compromised. It’s a mind-wrecking situation.

- I’ve seen some people argue that because there was a point in time when Emet-Selch wasn’t tempered, his judgment while tempered isn’t as compromised as Vauthry’s is. That’s like arguing because someone at one point in their life did not have PTSD, or had not reached onset for Schizophrenia, therefore how they behaved and thought after developing those things is less compromising. It makes no sense to me as an argument. You could be born with a less severe condition that lasts your entire life while someone else is initially stable and gets completely crippled by mental illness. As it stands, I don’t even know if more severe/less severe is the way I’d even frame it because this seems like apples and oranges insofar as thought patterns go. They’re both fruit/both mentally ill characters but I mean other than that? Too different to get much from that comparison.

By the by. I know that I bring my own influences to the table in how I read things, but to me tempering absolutely reads as a mental illness allegory where it distorts a person’s existing thoughts in extreme ways that they would not do otherwise--but specifically distorting in such a way that serves the primal in question. I also think that other FFXIV characters show indications of different forms of mental illness, and I’m actually very impressed by how well the devs captured these.

Mental illness as a subject tends to get extremely complicated and people often have no idea how to deal with it. It’s also something that tends to get brushed aside, dismissed, or oversimplified today--both in fan communities and in-general. I’m glad people are having conversations about it, but good lord this is not a place to have pissing contests or try to impose pure good/evil morality.

- People are entering debate over Vauthry’s weight and whether joking about it is okay or not. I want to pose a few points. 1) Dulia Chai, also very overweight, does not receive the treatment Vauthry does and seems pretty beloved 2) Vauthry, in a period of widespread famine and as the person explicitly charged with ALL OF EULMORE’S WEALTH (as in, all of the people living under him surrendered their property in exchange for his protection) is seriously, dangerously overweight due in large part to unapologetic, non-essential cannibalism. He honestly resembles people who have been rendered physically immobile and are dying due to obesity complications during this time period, that is not something that happens without serious excess. Vauthry holds funds that were given to him specifically not for his own personal enjoyment but to perform a job for the people. He absolutely places his own pleasure above the survival of the poor. If he was that overweight in a time of plenty or as someone without the level of power he holds, it would not read the same way. Under these specific circumstances his physicality is a direct representation of his corruption and hypocrisy. Under other circumstances that might not have been the case. 3) In the same way that enabling harmful thought patterns/behavioral tendencies in a mentally ill person is bad and can constitute abuse, it is possible to cause harm by encouraging extreme and dangerous physical states. I am a strong believer in the idea that every body type can be beautiful provided it doesn’t look like the person faces imminent danger to their health or is actively dying. For me this is not exclusive to extreme obesity but also extends to starvation and some instances of extreme body-building as well. Think steroid abuse.

When a body registers as “sick”, there is a level of instinctive discomfort for most people. Sometimes this comes with sympathy and concern for the person dealing with that issue, sometimes it alienates others from them them. But when an individual actively embraces self-destruction by pursuing such an extreme and dangerous state either by design or out of apathy to the threat, it’s normal for a measure of horror to be attached because it becomes a form of self-harm. Vauthry evokes that to me. Dulia Chai does not. 4) I’ve joked about the wonders of the meol diet, because I know firsthand how difficult weight loss can be. To go from Vauthry’s level to Innocence’s in like six steps is absurd --the fact that he’s been on a cannibalism diet specifically takes it the extra mile into hilarity for me. I haven’t seen as many jokes about his weight in-general so much as the sudden transformation. If the butt of the joke is cannibalism and ridiculous speed/opposite appearance turnaround, I personally don’t think those cases warrant offense. 5) I’ve had people try to fight me before for saying there is a such thing as being dangerously overweight. No comments on dangerously underweight or muscular, just overweight. So to set people at ease--I have personally dealt with serious health risks caused by obesity before. I’ve had loved ones who were in the same position and I have lost family members directly as a result of obesity-related health problems. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with. I have a lot of sympathy on this subject and understand how devastating it can be to endure shitty treatment due to weight.

I personally don’t think it’s right to forbid any jokes that deal with Vauthry’s weight, or that deal with hot subjects in-general. I think the punchline of the joke matters a ton though. Making a joke at the expense of someone struggling with something difficult is shitty. Making a joke about cannibalism turning you into a sparkling bishonen after walking down a set of stairs is just ridiculous.

Likewise, I don’t think it’s a problem for people to feel disturbed by severe health problems... but I do think it’s important to separate the person dealing with the illness from the illness itself. This goes for physical and mental issues.

I know that a lot of people don’t necessarily agree with these types of opinions and that’s okay. They’re not really common right now and are things I arrived at just by thinking myself and trying to sort out what seems appropriate as best I can.

- I’ve talked about how insanity plea when I was researching it more or less came down to a person having their perception of reality and their judgment so heavily impaired by illness that they cannot be expected to react to situations in the same way that someone without that impairment would. I’ve seen people try to argue about how someone saying demons made them murder another person wouldn’t have any less accountability to them. I think that case could actually fall under insanity plea but would need close evaluation to make sure. If the person truly believed that they and their loved ones would be tortured to death by demons if they refused or told anyone or something--yeah, insanity plea in play there. Part of the issue is that the act is horrible and I think there’s a longstanding skepticism on whether the person is sincerely crazy or just bullshitting.

In general, a cluster B personality disorder would not qualify for insanity plea. Still might involve inaccurate perception of the world or others, but the type of delusion and impairment would not inherently compel them toward violent/unlawful  action or prevent them from seeking help. They also tend to be somewhat more aware of the world around them, but whether they care and how they interact/why can be dictated by the condition. Given I think Zenos is more or less an Antisocial Personality Disorder poster child (not because “I don’t like people so edgy”, I mean in terms of treating people in his life as filling roles and therefore being replaceable, overwhelming ennui in most aspects of his life, lack of interest or fulfillment in interpersonal relationships, etc.)--I do not think he would qualify for insanity plea.

Vauthry I’m not positive what I think he has yet, again he reminds me a lot of people I’ve met but certain conditions manifest similarly under the circumstances I have in mind. I think he absolutely has inhibited empathy. He’s also very spoiled, self-righteous, and possibly has no theory of mind. I don’t think he has instincts for taboo either which probably does tie to his sin-eater heritage. I don’t think his growing up in Eulmore or even having a shitty upbringing is the main reason he is the way he is, imo it’s a combination of nature and nurture. I think being part sin-eater essentially made it easier for him to become monstrous, but who knows--if he’d had a really good upbringing in a non-toxic environment maybe he could have been a good man anyway. Same way that having a cluster B personality disorder does not make a person evil by a long shot, but it can make it easier to hurt others due to the way thought patterns are impacted.

I would want to double check some research, but right now I think Vauthry reads likely for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has mood swings but none of them seem to be depressive, it’s more egotism/happiness and anger by and large. When he does get sad before dying, it’s not because of loving or missing his father but because the self-image he loved (as encouraged by his father) was compromised.

I think he’s a bit slow and I think he only cares about others insofar as they’re tools to define himself as well as possible to his own mind. I don’t think, listening to G’raha Tia or anyone who begged him to change course, he was unable to comprehend what they were saying. He was just closed-minded to it imo.

With Emet-Selch meanwhile, I actually think both how he was impacted by specific interactions, his memories, and possibly even his sensory understanding of sundered beings might have been compromised by Zodiark. Like being colorblind, almost. I think the way he deals with the world, there are a ton of colors he can no longer perceive due to tempering but he has no idea that what he should be perceiving is there. He remembers being able to see all colors in Amaurot, but after the sundering suddenly purple was gone. Purple is still actually there, but he is not capable of seeing it. You could literally wave a purple flower in front of his face and it wouldn’t register. He might even accuse you of lying because he remembers purple, and purple is gone, and he’s doing everything he can to get purple back--but he has no idea that purple has still been here but he’s been altered in such a way that despite remembering it, he can’t see it anymore. As per tempering.

Vauthry knows about purple, he just doesn’t have much interest in it outside how it looks with his complexion. If purple is unflattering then fuck purple. Burn it to the ground, ban it, forbid anyone else from indulging in it. If it works, then no one would have more or prettier purples than him.

- It is time for me to take a nap but basically it was shitty to give Vauthry a sin-eater streak but 1) I do still think that’s severely impaired judgment 2) I don’t necessarily think that Vauthry was bound in the same way by his mental condition. I do think Vauthry believed himself to be doing good but didn’t actually have a clear concept of good in existence.

[goth-giraffe]

🖊 + your cyborg character (I mean? Cyborg?? Tell me more! xD) 🖊 + for any of your OCs (I'm just really curious to get to know more of your characters :D) I wold also suggest another one for Meredith... (if you want to ramble more about her xD)

Oh awesome! Yeah I always love to ramble about my OCs, I just wish I had more motivation to draw them haha xD Maybe this’ll help though- thank you!

Kaedyn~

Ah- my cyborg character is a pretty underdeveloped, for instance I’m not entirely sure on all their technological enhancements. They basically have really fancy prosthetics in place of at least one leg and one arm too. But anyway I’d love to ramble about them anyway! Their name is Kaedyn and they’re nonbinary! (I use neutral or feminine pronouns with them, I’m currently trying to use they/them but sometimes I slip up- it’s mostly because of my indecisiveness, but I don’t know, maybe they’re genderfluid?) And they live in a futuristic setting which is part of the reason they’re a bit underdeveloped compared to some of my other OCs, because I’m a dummy that wants to create characters in weird settings in theory, but then you have to come up with all these things about the setting to get to know the character better so… haha yeah.

But anyway! Kaedyn is really smart about some things but also very competitive. Not the type to back down from a dare. Whether it’s eating something gross or fighting the Hulk, to be honest… (And that may have had something to do with them losing a couple limbs, but who knows.) They call themself a cyborg mostly to intimidate people to be honest… there are still a lot of prejudices about cyborgs. And they do have at least two fully functioning robotic limbs so. Anyway they get kind of a “Don’t mess with a cyborg” attitude when people look at them weird or are just in general being rude.

They’re dating Numbers, who’s kind of the opposite of Kaedyn - she’s more of a brooding genius type. And she works for her eccentric aunt’s robotics company. They supply robotic prosthetics and other medical stuff like that, and yeah I imagine that’s how they met each other- Kaedyn calls in for tech support and talks past the remote control hologram or whatever, and immediately starts flirting when they start talking to an alive being… which was Numbers. Numbers speaks exclusively in number code though, and she doesn’t talk to a lot of real people (she lives with robots and her aunt Madlin) because a lot of people don’t understand her. But Kaedyn is smart, especially with mathematics and deciphering things so it doesn’t take them long to understand, and they think Numbers is adorable so, basically their relationship is the “extrovert takes introvert under their wing” trope.

Anyway, they like inventing things together. Kaedyn has a degree in engineering (or something? details fuzzy, sorry) and loves tinkering with stuff or rather tearing stuff apart pbbt and Numbers brainstorms schematics for new robots and stuff. Kaedyn is actually really smart, you just don’t see that a lot with their beat stuff up until it’s fixed attitude. (I don’t know if anyone here has seen The Red Green Show but Kaedyn’s motto? “If it ain’t broke you’re not trying!”) Besides that they cuddle or deal with Numbers’ mood swings… and eventually Madlin disappears and they have to take care of this prototype robot which is basically an experiment in artificial mental illness. …Which is not as fun as it sounds. xD

Oh. And Kaedyn refers to Numbers exclusively as “babe”. (Numbers is a nickname but her real name is actually undecided so…… Kaedyn just gives her another nickname haha.)

Okay. I get the feeling I am making absolutely no sense, I’m sorry. Mostly this is like, a vague comic idea I had? Mad scientist aunt disappears, no one really knows where. Her introverted niece has to take care of a prototype robot who thinks he’s a child and is kind of scared of everything… and cope with her partner who picks fights with anyone. …Yeah when I think about this goofy little story I for some reason imagine them in a black and white comic style. Like, Kaedyn’s got their tools and a broken robot on the table and they’re like “Babe where’s my wrench” while they’re scratching their head with it. Very smart but also very stupid is one of my favourite tropes ahaha  

Okay I’m not sure who to ramble about next?? My characters are so underdeveloped, good golly.

Nicholas~

I’m gonna ramble about him even though I have seriously been thinking he needs a lot of work, I’ve actually been considering giving him a new name but, anyway.

He’s in a weird fantasy setting and he’s a dragon! His race of dragons though are basically humans that have can transform into dragons. Except the horns, tails, wing stumps, and some of them have weird eyes. But dragons have some magic and if they master it they can hide those things while they’re in their human form. Nicholas himself though has really only figured out how to get rid of the wing stumps. Still sleeps on his tummy out of habit though.

Nicholas is probably the most innocent character I have, to be honest. He’s very soft- he really likes flowers, braiding his hair or having his hair braided, also he’s very curious about humans. Which is weird for dragons, most of them think of humans as either very dangerous or mid-afternoon snacks. But Nicholas was raised differently, so he’s curious. Not to mention lonely. Dragons are actually pretty rare and he only ever met his parents, but he doesn’t remember his father very well (who died when he was young) and since his mother died in his teens he’s been alone.

I imagine at some point he befriends a witch and they possibly become a love interest for him but this is where it gets fuzzy and undecided. I do like to imagine he meets a human character and becomes close to them, I just haven’t really decided how that happens or if he meets just one witch or a family/household or what. But he also finds out he likes poetry, but he’s illiterate so he has to have someone read it to him. I imagine this in medieval times, so not many people can read but that’s also why I imagine a witch character because. Learning from spellbooks I guess. And just generally not really being part of the human population… and not being scared of dragons. Even though Nicholas would probably not scare many people pbbbt. xD Yeah, anyway. He likes to be read to.

I don’t know, most of my characters are just kind of vague ideas. He’s just a cute little forest creature who happens to be able to grow really big and breath fire. xD I’ve thought about making a more modern AU which would probably be easier to develop but yeah I really can’t decide.

Anyway, except for a couple forgettable doodles I haven’t actually drawn Nicholas… but fortunately, I do have an awesome drawing of him by @iridiscreate! I hope to do a serious drawing of him myself sometime, but I’m actually okay with that being his main reference for now- he looks very pretty! :D

Meredith~

Oh I’ll pretty much always take any chances to ramble about Meredith! Haha she’s the OC I know the most about to be honest xD

The first time her hair was cut short was because her mom was tired of having to chase her down to brush it. So there was a time when she was pretty young that her parents made her wear these big bows in her hair when she went out… she hated them, she still hates them, and her mom still tries to convince her to wear them when she comes to visit, because she cut her hair again. (Yeah… she has some family issues…)

Okay, Meredith loves music. She has kind of a complicated relationship with it, but she loves music. She usually has classical music playing in the background at her apartment, while she’s reading or whatever. She also plays violin, but she’s weird about that, she doesn’t usually listen to it when she plays (she wears ear plugs), and she mostly uses it as an outlet when her emotions get the better of her. She was much more enthusiastic about violin when she was a girl. She’s always had a love of music, it kind of runs in her family. She originally wanted to play piano like her grandfather (who was a singer/pianist in a bar) but her father wouldn’t allow that. Though when the violin option was allowed she was very excited, and when she was little she dreamed of being a concert violinist. Her parents mostly favoured violin because of the discipline it would require to learn and practice, and their past attempts to discipline her? Ehh, not so great. xD In the end though her parents killed her enthusiasm for violin. Their habit of displaying their daughters’ talents to their friends but otherwise having little interest was a bit discouraging… and for Meredith, very damaging. The older she got and the more she thought about it she felt her parents were disinterested in her from the start, so that led to a very rocky teenage years. (For instance she spent ages two to six (ish) being sent to her grandparents’ house a lot. Not with her sisters, no, just her- because she was being difficult and her parents were tired of her. So that hurt when she really thought about it.) So… anyway now she kind of loves and hates violin. Now when she plays it still brings her back to being the trophy her parents preferred to keep on the back of the shelf, but it also brings her back to being the little girl who was in love with music… so. Mixed feelings there. …

Did I have way too many Meredith feels while I was writing this and have to edit out most of my emotions later? NO absolutely not I’m not crying you are SHUSH

Oof I know I’ve already rambled a lot but one more thing. Just a cute little fact, not exactly about Meredith but still. She is her nephew Aidan’s favourite aunt. He’s like four years old and has blonde hair with bright blue tips, because he begged his mother (Meredith’s sis Jessie) to dye his hair blue. Anyway yeah, Meredith is pretty good with kids… they probably like her because she’s so weird. Funny though, because with her looking pretty much like the insomniac goth mess she is, she definitely doesn’t give off any maternal vibes to anyone else she meets… except kids. (It’s the blue hair again, it has magical powers. Haha okay I’m kidding. xD)

Anyway! Sorry for getting this answered so late ahh!! I swear I wasn’t avoiding this ask (I was actually very excited about it) but I kept getting interrupted in the middle of rambling so.. yeah. Anyway thank you again for the ask!! Sorry I rambled an ungodly amount!! xD

Send me a 🖊 to make me ramble about my OCs! (yeah no kidding about the rambling)

[shebeguiled]

good afternoon everyone , i’m amorette & i’m so excited to be here !! this lovely lady is ERATO of the nine muses , known in the mortal world as SABINE BELLEROSE. take a peek under the cut for more information on her , & feel free to hit the heart if you’d like to plot.

ERATO   :

♡   ;   muse of erotic & love poetry , so uh , that already sets a pretty clear tone here. she is beautiful & she knows it , and is prone to her own bouts of vanity , especially when called upon by poets & artists — it’s hard not to let it go to your head when famed authors call upon your name for inspiration , praise your beauty as being their afflatus. she doesn’t go about being too overly boastful , most of the time , though sometimes it is dependent on her company and if they encourage it. she doesn’t find an issue with one accepting & appreciating their own beauty , so long as it isn’t at the expense of another. she promotes self love & positivity.

♡   ;   speaking of company , her sisters are her lifeblood. she adores them and would not be averse to fighting , maiming , or otherwise causing a ruckus & maybe a little bloodshed for them , if it absolutely came down to it. (   though she really really really prefers it doesn’t come to that.   ) her sisters are her soul. apollo , likewise , is near & dear to her heart — her loyalty is his , nearly if not just as it is her sisters’. her loyalty , once gained , is not easy to shirk.

♡   ;   vivacious , clever , & sanguine , erato is clear in what she wants and even more direct when it comes to getting it. she possesses little in the way of cautious awareness and leans far more into her impulsive tendencies , especially if they’ll lead to gratification. she’s quick to capitalize on opportunities once presented , or to otherwise maneuver around situations in order to have them play in her favor. it’s generally innocuous , though , her intent lying more-so within indulgence than harm. she enjoys delighting in all of life’s pleasures , be it a song , a poem , a glass of wine , etc.

♡   ;   undoubtedly i am forgetting to write something here in my excitement , and i apologize for that lmao.

SABINE   :

♡   ;   so , to start , she’s the daughter of GASPARD & MANON BELLEROSE , a fashion designer & model respectively , hailing from france. (   she was born in america herself , but she’s fluent in french.   ) their love was a whirlwind , something plucked directly from a romance novel & it bore them their only daughter , sabine.

♡   ;   now , her parents live a ritzy , busy life. despite being married they had little intention of ever settling down & a child hadn’t ever really been in their plans , though social stigma and personal beliefs prevented manon from doing anything about the pregnancy save seeing it to term & keeping their daughter. sabine was seen more as an accessory than a lifelong commitment — more akin to a purse to tote around when it was fitting than a child that needed to be raised. her parents didn’t have time for that. it didn’t fit in with their ideal lifestyle. they would occasionally dote on her & bring her to events , shower her with affection , but the moments were few and far in between.

♡   ;   she was frequently handed off to nannies but they , too , were never consistent ; a side effect of having an affair with your boss. this left sabine constantly yearning for affection , yearning for the love & praise children are supposed to receive from their parents , yearning for a bond she saw in other children but never felt herself. her parents raised her not to be herself , but to be perfect — in their eyes , this was an easily attainable goal. they gave her everything , after all , as what they lacked in affection they made up for in a surplus of material items , money , gifts , expensive vacations that she’d end up spending alone. sabine took what they gave and let it sate her for a while.

♡   ;   much like her immortal self , she is indulgent , though much less fulfilled. she allows herself to indulge in flings , in the things money can buy : jewelry , clothes , money , drugs. the upside of being a millionaire's daughter is just how much you can spiral the night before & appear perfect in a selfie posted the next day with the help of a well paid stylist and good lighting. as a result of her upbringing , the one thing she wants is fulfillment : she wants to be loved & inspire that love in others , she wants the security of being with someone who wants her , truly wants her , body , mind , & soul. sabine wants to feel valued. and yet whenever she's barely gotten close to something resembling this , she freezes , she spirals , she sabotages. the truth is that deep within her , she believes she is undeserving.

♡   ;   she can never quite achieve the balance she seeks , and is always at one extreme or another. there is no pause , there is no quiet middle ground : one moment , she's on the top of the world , things are just as she wants them , nothing can touch her. the next , she is crumbling , holed up in her penthouse , speaking to no one , spending days on end weeping in the safety of her bed. there is an aching , hollow void within her chest that consumes everything in these moments & leaves little behind to remind sabine of just who she is. still , she maintains the facade. she models for her father's line & is something of an instagram influencer , frequently posting updates to her millions of followers. she's never upfront about the goings-on behind the scenes online ; what's the point when you can post a selfie from inside one of nyc's most exclusive clubs ? no one wants to hear about your troubles. money can buy happiness , right ? she self medicates in dangerous ways.

♡   ;   unbeknownst to most , sabine writes & publishes poetry via the use of a pseudonym. it's a little pleasure that keeps her going , gives her something to pour her energy into even when she's lacking. a way to express herself when she cannot find the courage to verbalize her feelings to another person. something no one who knows her can intrude on.

♡   ;   sabine has an undiagnosed mental illness : bipolar disorder. she frequently faces burnout and it is the first symptom of an approaching depressive episode , and likewise is quick to hyperfixate or otherwise obsess when growing manic , and this is also when she often feels her most confident & victorious. she refuses to admit something may be ' wrong ' out loud , but on the inside , her lack of control over how she feels & often experiences the world contributes to her panic frequently. she avoids seeking help out of fear of disappointing her parents , should she receive a diagnosis. it is not that she believes people with mental illnesses are wrong , just that she alone would be. even further , she often feels guilty for her emotions , feels as though she is not allowed to be upset or depressed in any way because of what she does have. she thinks love will fix her. she doesn’t realize she may have bipolar specifically but she knows there’s got to be something , & it frightens her. up until this point , she has not communicated this to anyone else.

♡   ;   loves bubble tea. is rose gold’s number one fan.

♡   ;   she’s lucky she’s got nepotism on her side because she’s only 5′2″ and some would argue that that means she can’t be a model which is probably the stupidest thing ever.

i’m sorry this got so long idk what happened actually . . . . dfkjgdjf thanks for reading all of this mess ily

[hellyeahomeland]

Me again with more Carrie and Saul. can you elaborate on how it’s different between them? You say it’s evolved but I don’t see how. Things have happened to Carrie especially, but I don’t really see how their relationship has changed at its core. Maybe Saul treats her more like an adult but even that’s debatable imo. I don’t mean to be argumentative for argument’s sake but... (continued...)

Cont… can you give concrete examples of how the development has played out on screen so I can understand it & hopefully S8 better. Specific scenes and what how they weren’t just individual scenes but changed the relationship going forward. Much appreciated! Oh and one more thing re: Saul and Carrie, sorry I forgot. Can you also venture a guess what it means in practice? What do you think will happen between them that will feel like closure or catharsis or something that’s expected of a show’s final season and perhaps finale as well?

Note #1: this became a lot longer than I expected (sorry, you asked!). Beyond what I’ve written, I challenge you to go back and watch these individual scenes. I’ve chosen ones from each season to illustrate the full arc of their relationship. Observe the differences in Claire and Mandy’s body language, in their facial expressions, in their discomfort, in the shared trauma of what’s come before. It’s deliberate writing and deliberate acting. Shorter version of this post is here, from April 2018.

Note #2: I chose almost exclusively scenes of conflict to represent the evolution of their relationship because I believe that conflict drives change. 

PROLOGUE:

To understand the Carrie and Saul relationship, we’ve got to understand what their relationship was before we met them. From what we know, Saul recruited Carrie, straight out of college. He saw in her something special and unique, something that didn’t come around every other day. She was gifted but she was also alone. She had no partner. She was socially isolated from her family and from the world (he didn’t yet know of her mental illness). This was an advantage of sorts. It meant she could give herself more and more to the work, same as he did. Remember this is his Achilles’ heel: whenever they call, he picks up. He doesn’t know how not to. It destroyed his marriage. But he molds her in his image. He teaches her, he raises her, the way a father would his daughter. He brings her up. Their relationship melds the boundaries of teacher/student, boss/employee, mentor/mentee, and father/daughter. It’s personal, and it’s deeply intimate. 

This is what we are given before the pilot and it’s what we’ve grappled with for nearly eight years: his attempts to harness her gifts–often to her detriment–and her simultaneous resentment of him for it and unwavering yearning for his approval. 

Key Scenes in the Carrie and Saul Canon:

#1: “What happened to the Saul Berenson that trekked the Karakoram?”: Much of the season one conflict between Carrie and Saul comes from her three thousand miles an hour suspicion of Brody and him being like “whoa slow down pls.” He is the first person she tells of these suspicions and he essentially shoots her down, causing her to go rogue. It’s here where the lines become blurred between boss/protege and father/daughter, because the way in which he chastises and punishes her feels awfully familial. 

So when Carrie finally reaches a breaking point in “Blind Spot” (the original Carrie Mathison Appreciation Episode), we feel that as though a family is breaking up. It doesn’t matter that she comes crawling back to him, just an episode later, remorseful. 

Carrie underlines just how much Saul has changed: in her words, from the man who “did three months in a Malaysian prison” (HELLO???? repeat: he raised her in his image) to a pussy. We understand that Carrie and Saul are both outsiders in the CIA. We understand that Saul is still grappling with his former employee David Estes bring promoted over him. While Carrie truly seems to not give a fuck, Saul keeps in line. He says “yes, sir.” He advises caution. None of these are inherently bad qualities but in this scene we come to understand that what drew Carrie to Saul was not his caution, his yin to her yang, but his daring and bravery and “FUCK THE CIA” mentality (there’s a reason why that line is in this episode too). 

#2: “You don’t know a goddamned thing”: This scene is now famous for lines like “you’re the smartest and dumbest fucking person I’ve ever known” (he’s not wrong) but this scene is actually one of the more important ones ever on this show, and I still maintain that t“The Choice” is the mos important ever Homeland episode. As to why this scene itself is significant in their relationship, I’ll allow Jacob Clifton to explain:

Saul is one thing only, and his love for Carrie comes out of the idea that they are the same. And he’s right. But because she’s giving up herself to something he can’t, it looks like they are not the same. It looks ugly to him. He fights it like an addict fights recovery, striking blindly at her softest places because can’t stand the change in vector: Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

I bolded that last sentence because it’s almost shockingly predictive of future seasons. We can hem and haw all we want about Saul’s relative rightness about Carrie leaving the CIA for Brody being a terrible decision, but the truth is that he would have done it regardless of who Brody was. He would have done it if she’d left with Quinn, with Jonas, with Otto, with Estes, with anyone, or all by herself. I don’t actually believe that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I just think he doesn’t care. I think he sees her gifts, her “saving the world” (to be totally Mandy Patinkin about it) as a more profound and upright calling than, for example: having a family, being a mother, having an integrated and whole personal life… the list goes on. 

But the moment when Carrie tells him she doesn’t want to end up alone her whole life, like him, is probably the first great fissure in what was until then a generally even relationship. It establishes her desire for… something beyond everything he’d ever shown her (she literally turns down the greatest career opportunity ever for THE DUDE IN THE SUICIDE VEST… and like, did we ever consider that wasn’t really about Carrie loving Brody so much but more about how much she really didn’t fucking want to be Saul????). She threatens his control and he strikes her at the knees. 

#3: Literally all of season three: It’s difficult to choose a single scene in season three to encapsulate just how much Carrie and Saul’s relationship this season was changed but let’s just discuss the overall arc:

Saul and Carrie come up with a plan to lure out Javadi (i.e., Iran) since they know he’s partially responsible for the Langley bombing. In their shared plan, Carrie will pretend to be crazy in front of the Senate and the press so that she seems vulnerable to the influence of a foreign power. Coolness. 

Except Saul changes the plan in the middle and: 

Publicly blames the Langley bombing on Carrie

Outs Carrie’s sexual relationship with Brody on national television 

Has Carrie committed to a mental institution for four weeks with little to no contact with the outside world

Sics Dar fucking Adal on her when she gets out of the mental institution in order to maintain the cover

The scene at the end of “Game On” where Carrie comes to Saul’s house and tells him the plan has worked is devastating to watch. I don’t think it was entirely clear at the time just how much Saul’s plan had strayed from their shared vision until Carrie tells him, through tears, “you should have gotten me out of there, Saul. You shouldn’t have left me in there.” He doesn’t say anything in response. When she tells him it’s too hard, she can’t keep going, he offers her some tea. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad. 

Again: 

Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

Season three was all about that: about the lengths Saul would go with Carrie’s own illness, and how far along she’d left herself go too. Javadi literally makes a speech about it.

Now, Carrie wasn’t forced to do any of this (well, except the mental institution, that was extremely forced). We see at times how desperately she craves his attention and approval: in “Tower of David,” when she pleads with her therapist to give a good report back to Saul; in “The Yoga Play,” where he berates her for getting involved in Brody Family Drama and tells her she’s ruined everything and ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THAT NOW CARRIE (god, the father/daughter vibes in that one are nauseating); in “Still Positive” when she calls him, triumphant, after having arranged the meeting with Javadi and he’s like “oh yeah by the way we lost you for a few hours there.” 

(This doesn’t fit into the above theme but the scene at the end of “One Last Thing” when Carrie tells him in order for any of this shit to work they have to trust each other is one of the most interesting and important scenes of the whole season, simply because it implies one easy truth: they don’t trust each other. And what a change that is from earlier seasons.) 

And yet, he needed her for it all to work. Saul may have been the mastermind of the entire clusterfuck of season three (better on rewatch than you would think!), but without Carrie literally every step of the way, it would have gone up in flames. She lured Javadi to America with her 95%-based-in-reality mania. She convinced Brody to go to Iran knowing it would almost certainly end in his death. And then she went straight along to Tehran knowing she’d probably have to witness it all. 

The end of season three is super interesting in their relationship because I believe in my gut and in my soul that Carrie still resents Saul for convincing her to convince Brody to go kill himself. I really believe this. Again, she wasn’t forced. She did this of her own volition. But he planted the seed in her head, and I think some part of Carrie–likely equal parts rational and irrational–blames him for it, even as she mostly blames herself. 

I won’t even mention Saul’s complete un-acknowledgement of Carrie being nine months pregnant in the last half of “The Star” but Saul basically ignoring Carrie’s child for four years is more significant than we give it credit for.

#4: “Escape or die. I promise.” The season four relationship between Carrie and Saul is interesting because it upends their previous dynamic. Carrie and Saul were always outsiders in the agency, but now he’s actually on the outside and she’s ascended, more an insider than ever. Also, I know part of it was grief, and again this is not an absolution, but where else do we think Carrie learned her casual disregard for human life? I’m just saying, season four came after season three. 

So anyway, when Carrie promises to Saul that he’ll kill him before letting him be re-captured by the Taliban, we almost sort of believe her. She nearly killed him once before (wanna know the quickest way to get me from 0 to 1500 words on this show? mention the end of “From A to B and Back Again.” but actually don’t please).

The middle episodes of season four–Carrie nearly killing Saul, reneging on her promise to kill him, and then tearfully saving him from himself–are extremely moving. And they cement the arc of that entire season, of Carrie ascending where Saul had fallen. “The student becomes the master” (or the Drone Queen, rather) and all that jazz. Her journey to save her soul coincided with her journey to save him. Is that coincidental? Saul stopped being Carrie’s moral compass around the time he lied to her and had her committed. But just as Carrie is finding her way amid the chaos and fog of war, Saul is making backdoor deals with Dar fucking Adal to turn a blind eye to Haqqani’s reign of terror so that he could go and be the CIA director again. 

Saul preached idealism and goodness and morality in an increasingly terrorized, dangerous, chaotic world. He raised her in that image. She strayed, but was finding her way back to it. In those final moments of season four, that betrayal is complete. She detaches from him. And their relationship is forever altered. 

#5: “There’s a line between us that you drew. Forget that. There’s a fucking wall.” Oh, season five. This is getting really long so I’ll try to be succinct: Carrie and Saul’s relationship in season five is about her being in mortal danger and him being like “lol good luck….. NOT.” Ok, it’s only like that for an episode. 

How do they come back from the damage done at the end of season four? I think the answer is that they didn’t. They’re not healed from it. Parts of Carrie don’t trust Saul, and parts of Saul don’t trust Carrie. There are the surface elements of course: Carrie went and found a cool life in Berlin, riding bikes and wearing balloon hats and such, working for a man whose ideals often stood in direct counter to the CIA’s. In effect, she basically went and did the opposite of everything Saul had ever done. That this all comes in a time of real upheaval in Saul’s personal life (Mira divorced him, he’s literally fucking a Russian mole) only makes his ego more volatile. 

And then we have The Landstuhl Conundrum. I’m calling it this because it doesn’t yet have a name but I’m referring to the moment when the doctors say that they can’t wake Quinn from a coma, because if they do he will probably die or have irreversible brain damage. But Carrie and Saul believe he has valuable information about a terror cell that he’d eagerly share after coming out of said coma. Honestly!!! This show is extremely ridiculous sometimes. 

Anyway Saul is like “what would you want me to do if it were you lying there,” implying DUH she’d have him wake her. She says she can’t speak for Quinn. Well apparently she can, because she wakes him. Cue the irreversible brain damage, the almost-death. 

Later Saul comes to see her and Quinn at the hospital and asks how he is. “Not great,” she replies tersely. He tells her he didn’t come here to fight with her. 

Resentment City: Population of 1. I’ve actually beat this drum for a few years, but I still think that Carrie harbors resentment toward Saul for coercing her into waking Quinn. First Brody, then Quinn. This isn’t meant to absolve Carrie of blame. She convinced Brody to go to Tehran because she believed in that mission. She woke Quinn because she believed in that mission. But I do think that Saul gave her a nudge and I’m not 100% convinced that without his influence she’d have made the same choices. When we talk about Saul teaching Carrie, about him mentoring her… and then we talk about Carrie having no regard for human life, of choosing mission over man, time after time… how much of that is her nature and how much is him nurturing her toward that outcome? 

#6: “Maybe I don’t like the idea of you worrying about me.” Season six is spectacularly dull on many fronts, and the Carrie/Saul relationship is not the centerpiece. The evolution of their relationship after Berlin has taken the shape of something like season three. Saul needs Carrie’s help, she’s in no position to give it, he coaxes her with some terrifying outcome If She Won’t, then she agrees, and things still Turn Out Shitty For Her. 

Ultimately I think this season highlights that whatever difficulties they now have working with each other, whatever trust issues they both still harbor, at the end of the day it is ALWAYS Carrie and Saul Versus the World. That’s always what this story has been (though this is extremely different from their relationship being the same as it’s always been), and it’s what the show comes back to after Quinn’s death. 

He still cares about her. She tells him not to, he’s not her fucking father. This is one of the great complexities of their relationship: Saul often does coddle her the way a father would a daughter, but he’s a firm believer in tough love and all the forms that can take. 

Again, I don’t think that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I also don’t think he wants her to happy. Her personal fulfillment and well-being is just entirely secondary to her role in his own mission of Whatever The Fuck. I mean I guess his mission is for the world to be more peaceful and better but like… y’know how Thanos thinks that killing half the universe’s population will help with the suffering caused by overpopulation? I’m not saying Saul is Thanos. But they’re both deranged males! (Also, if y’all don’t think Saul would Gamora Carrie right up outta this dimension if it meant fulfilling his life’s mission then please let me sell you this Homeland lamp!) (But honestly, I’m not saying Saul is as bad as Thanos.) (Do not send in asks about this.)

#7: “You’ve given me a hard time these last few years.” Season seven takes the post-Berlin foundation that season six built and adds some new interesting layers that are like a weird inversion/combo of seasons four and five. Carrie’s more on the outside than she’s ever been and now Saul’s the one who’s gone to work for the enemy. 

Still, no matter whatever shit has gone down between them, it’s still Carrie and Saul Versus the World. The show highlights some key ideas in the last three episodes. First, it fully acknowledges that whenever Saul comes calling, Carrie will always answer. Remember how he said this was his Achilles’ heel? Remember how in that same episode Carrie said she was going to be alone her whole life? Remember how Saul raised Carrie in his image? These callbacks are not evidence of stagnation of their relationship; they’re references to its elemental core. 

Second, the show finally has Carrie acknowledge the… um… storm of shit Saul has put her through while also fully copping to the extreme codependence of their entire relationship:

I’ve not come all this way in that fucking plane and in my life to fail in that mission when I know I can succeed. You’ve given me a hard time the past few years. I’m in, I’m out, I’m all over the place. I am not all over the place now. I’m here and I’m all in, and I need you to say yes. 

She pledges her devotion to the mission (above all else). She acknowledges Saul’s hot-and-cold nature with her. And then she says SHE STILL NEEDS HIS APPROVAL because–say it with me–they are in an extremely! toxic! relationship!

In a nutshell, the evolution of the discord in Carrie and Saul’s relationship started with him putting her life at risk in service of the mission. And now we’re at a point where she fully fucking volunteers for the task! In my heart of hearts I think a non-zero part of Carrie is doing it so he will love her more. Did I mention they are in a codependent relationship? 

So where do we go from here?

If you are still reading, congratulations! That’ll teach you to ask me a question about Carrie and Saul! Actually, about five questions were asked. The last–what will happen in season eight that will feel at all like a catharsis–is not one that I’ve actually thought that much about. 

I think I’ve made a case for Carrie and Saul’s relationship being the soul of this show–its mangled, twisted soul. The truth is their relationship is toxic. They are both their best and worst selves with each other. Like family, they know what buttons to push, and where to strike to make it hurt the most. 

What catharsis looks like in this relationship depends a lot on how you see this relationship. For example, it would be cathartic for me for Saul to die, but that will almost certainly not happen. It would be cathartic for Carrie to strike out on her own–finally–and attempt some type of fulfillment. Also very unlikely. 

If I had to guess about what the end of this story will look like for them, it’s probably with Carrie dead. Probably on a mission Saul convinced her to believe in. 

Saul’s been alone his entire life. He will never be less alone because Carrie is alive. I guess that’s the prison he has to live in. And then maybe she’ll finally be free of hers. 

EPILOGUE:

The above is a reading of their relationship that is quite sympathetic to Carrie, obviously, and quite unsympathetic to Saul, also obviously. You will probably disagree. Gail has written very interesting stuff on how the dynamic of the Carrie/Saul relationship is most like handler/asset. I think that is a very astute perspective and there are definitely aspects of it but I think the relationship more resembles the trope of found family: she is the daughter he never had and he is the stable father she never had, and they will both ruin each other. Fin! 

[lividian]

Wat up, I'm here to bitch about stuff.

A good 90% of my life is straight pain and struggle right now. I spend every day trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling, whether that's through sitting on facebook watching slime videos for hours, doing schoolwork for even more hours, or doing regular things and pretending everything is fine. I try to make myself believe that I'm ok. Not say I'm never going to be ok, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the shit life is throwing at me; has been throwing at me, for years.

I took off that mask yesterday, and I feel like I've been emotionally flayed. I'm raw and feeling all those little fragments of emotion I was protecting myself from, all at once. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours or so, thinkin about life and what mine is trying to teach me. Writing helps and I'm really open abt my mental health struggles, so I figured I'd pour it all out on here so maybe it could help someone or something.

A lot of my stressors include other people, so for their privacy, I'm going to use aliases.

Have you ever done something completely against your values/beliefs and wondered what underlying causes made you (re)act that way? I try to think about that often bc it tends to give new perspective and shed light on information necessary for changing those behaviors.

I had a tough childhood and now that I'm older, I can see the impact it's had on me for so long. Even things I can barely remember are reflected in my emotional responses and conscious decisions if I pay enough attention. Bc of the trauma and inconsistent relationship I had with my parents, I have varying degrees of trust issues, problems with relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic), and mental illnesses. I've struggled with behavioral problems for a long, long time. At one point, it was thought I had ODD because of the severity of some of my outbreaks.

Fortunately, some of my more unusual symptoms started showing up as early as 7. I had been placed in the custody of close family a couple years before that, who sought professional help when my depression and visual hallucinations first appeared. I was in counseling from that point on and began seeing psychiatrists at the age of 13, all of that lasted until I turned 19 and lost my medicaid.

Shortly after I started experiencing various mental health problems, I went into sort of a "dark age" and I don't remember much, like there's a big blind spot in my memories. There are some memories that survived and I've clung to, because I don't have much left from that time period. It lasted until about when I started taking psychiatric medications. And about that time, I started to experience extreme mood swings which resulted in damn near anything, from self harm and suicide attempts to violent outbursts and severe paranoia and delusions. These only increased in intensity until I was kicked out at the age of 17.

*I was hurt by that for a long time which fueled poor decision after poor decision, but I have forgiven both myself and my family bc all that anger and pain and guilt was doing was holding me back. I appreciate everything my family has done for me and I hold them very dear to my heart, especially in times of hardship.*

That's some back story for ya. A lot has happened since then, and maybe I'll talk about it some other time, but I'd really like to focus on the present.

My biggest source of pain currently is the fact that my daughter, Acacia, is in one state and I'm in another. I miss her terribly and every day I sit and think about how I've failed her. I want to be a source of joy for her, but right now she's hurting because her mother is gone and she doesn't understand why. We facetime, but she tells me that she doesn't like me and she's sad. It breaks my heart that she's dealing with such big emotions and I can't even be there to comfort her. But I'm also very grateful she's surrounded by people who love her and we can talk every day. It's really hard, and I'm usually in a lot of pain after we hang up, but I will always be there for her. I have to be the mother she needs me to be so I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. I'm not going to talk abt this anymore bc it's too much for me right now.

I'm in another state living with my husband, Onyx, and I feel utterly and completely alone. We left bc we were evicted back home and the only place we could go was his parents'. He shut me out a long time ago, but the homesickness is amplifying my feelings of isolation. Due to some of the toxicity in our relationship, I burned many bridges with friends and family, and aside from my 2 best friends (who I rarely talk to anymore) I have no one. Many days I beg Onyx for affection or communication or some semblance that he still loves me, but my efforts are futile. Weve been having the same fight for nearly half a year. I bring up something that's bothering me, and he becomes angry and says "it's always something", in some form or another I try to remind him that we have to work on the issues in our relationship at some point if we want things to get better, this is where he usually gets defensive and says something something along the lines of "I always need 'more or too much'". From that point, I've learned to just be quiet bc our problems are suddenly my fault and he will do everything in his power to deflect and shame if I try to get him to own up to his negative behaviors that hurt me almost every second.

I saw the red flags a long time ago, but I had hope. Hope that has now completely withered away bc I know he won't change, at least not anytime soon. I can see it in his face when I try to have any form of an adult conversation with him. The way he just barely squints his eyes while I'm talking, the smirk that I try to convince myself isn't real bc it's so slight, the overall look of complete apathy.

I've tried leaving before, several times and one period of 5 months, but I wanted to make things work bc we got married this year. He told me it would make me more consistent and I wouldn't feel like leaving all the time, but let me tell you, I feel like leaving all the time. I've told him about my plans to go back home, without him. I've told him I would stay if he would be a part of this relationship too bc I can't be with someone who is the source of so much of my pain. You know that saying, "you can't make someone love you if they don't want to"? It's true, fucking painfully true. I've found myself holding on to tiny shreds of hope here and there, making myself believe that he'll try in small gestures like a kiss or laying his head on me. But I've been doing that for too long. I have made sacrifices for him over and over to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. I've stopped talking to wonderful ppl bc it made him uncomfortable. I'll admit it, I kissed a guy back the night after we decided to be mutually exclusive. I talked to an ex love interest for a period of time abt how I was struggling in my relationship w Onyx. But I apologized, owned up to those behaviors, and made changes. I don't deserve for those things to be held over my head and brought up in almost every fight bc yes, I fucked up, but I did what I had to do to fix things. At a certain point, you have to be accountable for how you let your hurt and anger manifest.

So now I'm leaving bc I have to get back to my daughter and get in a better environment, but I don't know how or when. Like I said earlier, I ruined a lot of relationships try to preserve the one that was ruining me. But I'm really stuck out here, I've never been able to hold a job in my working career, and even if I could, I'm also taking several online college classes (that's been a bitch too) so I can't work more than part time and even that would jeopardize my mental health. I'm really stuck and so frustrated and I'm sorry that this has been a super long post. Like I said, I'm just bitching about life. I know the most sucky situations bring about the most growth.

For those of you who are curious, my diagnoses are PTSD, atypical OCD, and persistent depression w mood incongruent psychotic features.

Also: Besides being a good talker, I'm also a great listener. If you're struggling right now, I'm here for u.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

i don’t think i’ve ever Talked About This except in the briefest of passing, but i didn’t Record It anywhere else, and you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. (Update: It got Really Fucking Long. Three screens so far!) 

But I think I need to write about it, before I start forgetting it’s A Thing again.

I struggle with something called Secondary Anorexia.

I phrased it as such very intentionally-- “I struggle with”, not “struggled”, not “healed from”, not “I had”. Because, as far as I can tell, from my own experience, my own perspective with having both, it’s a lot like my experience with depression, or the phobia, or ptsd, or adhd. The scars from it are always there. It’s a sort of addiction, to a sort of thought habit, that your subconscious thinks, for whatever maladaptive reason, will help you.

You can learn to recover your bearings after a breakdown. You can learn to return to normal more quickly. You can learn to cope with it. You can learn to be brave and fight with it when it starts acting up. You can even learn to defeat it! But the memories, scars, and habits remain with you, pitting your present condition against your past experiences, even when you’ve done everything in your power to train your brain.

Every single thought you have has the power to change your brain on a physical level. Did you know that? (This isn’t modern optimism; a real neurological fact based on science and studies.) Your Thoughts Change Your Brain.

But the thing is, sometimes your thoughts aren’t as Empowered to make as BIG of a change as that traumatic moment when your amygdala, and whatever other parts of your brain that process Thoughts and Emotions and Long-Term Memory got involved. 

You still have depression, or a phobia, or ptsd, or adhd. You’ve just learned to live with it.

And this anorexia? I’m still learning how to fight it. And I’m going to be honest, a lot of my motivation isn’t some abstract, long-term health goal, like “it’s not healthy to skip meals”. But I fight because, almost, almost as traumatic as the times when My Phobia was Triggered, were the times I passed out. Hit my face on furniture on the way down. Felt absolutely dreadfully ill even if I’d eaten that day, even hours after coming to, because my body was just so absolutely exhausted and hypoglycemic that I could barely lift my hand. The sociophobic guilt and embarassment when you pass out right in front of someone. Especially with your brain so fogged it would put San Francisco to shame, and you can’t explain it, or tell them how to help, or assure them you’ll be okay?

But even the thought of passing out, going through that again, isn’t enough to force myself to eat sometimes. (Because of how strong the fear is, I often decide, on a very conscious and willing level, that I’d rather pass out and go to the hospital than wind up being sick.)

The thing about e/metophobia is that, it’s a phobia. It’s an Irrational Terrifying Thing. (although, if you knew the way my body reacted before, during, and after it happens? You wouldn’t call it very “irrational”, my mother even said it might be a form of ptsd rather than specific phobia disorder. But I had the phobia long before I learned how Truly Miserable it would make me.)

And even with, gods at this point FOURTEEN YEARS of meditation experience, 18 years of practice with Disciplining My Thoughts, and lifetime of teaching myself to Be Rational in the face of Emotion? ESPECIALLY fear???

Even with my literal lifetime’s accomplishments in these fields, I can’t turn off the fear. I can’t work myself through it until the Stimuli (re: Stomach Feeling Bad) actually goes away. All the mindfulness exercises and self-talk experience and energy work and redirection and distraction and rest in the world can’t bring me back to a Stable, Calm Center when the phobia is even REMOTELY triggered!

I’m not in the mood to delve into everything the phobia does to me; there’s a reason that, even as transparent and convenient it is to have it on my blog here, records of the Actual Events get relegated to an entirely different blog. I can’t even stand THINKING about it. But I have e/metophobia because, in short, my body can’t handle it. My mind can’t handle my body going utterly insane with it. I have never, ever, EVER experienced that “relief” you’re supposed to feel when it’s done; that’s a big fat fucking myth to me. If hell is real, and my pagan ass is relegated there for eternity? It would be exactly That Phobia Trigger happening perpetually; there is literally no suffering in this world that affects me as deeply, completely, makes me unravel the way that having my phobia triggered does.

So, when I feel like It Might Happen? The only thing I can do to prevent it is Not Eat. (Sometimes it’ll happen even then. But statistically, when I feel that bad, if I don’t eat, it won’t. 99.9% of the time, it won’t Actually Do That if I don’t eat.)

So when I’m not eating? That’s what I’m doing. Not just feeding an Avoidant Behavior, but preventing dehydration; preventing hypokalemia and hypotension; I’m preventing trauma; I’m legitimately preventing my body’s condition from deteriorating any further. A little light-headedness is absolutely a small price to pay for knowing I can still stand. Still talk. Still go to work. Still do what I need to do. Still SLEEP.

It’s an absolutely essential defense mechanism for getting through any number of nausea sessions without utterly breaking down.

And yes, “Secondary Anorexia” is, in fact, the term my psychologist gave me by way of diagnosis.

I’m not sure what the criteria is, exactly, but my weight fluctuates wildly-- we’re talking up and down twenty pounds every month. In the past couple years, I only got as close to the “underweight” category as I was when I was a kid ONCE, when I was very ill. But for the most part, I can keep myself at a decent weight. With the help of medications at this point, of course... but days when even those don’t help? I’m still really prone to just, not eating. (With the meds, it’s not for a whole day. But I’ll skip a meal, sometimes two. I have to.)

And the sad/scary part of it is, it actually DOES help me. If I don’t listen, and try to make myself eat? I’m going to be traumatized. That’s just a statistical, empirical-data-supported fact of my life. The phobia is going to Be Triggered, and I’m going to Suffer Disastrously.

I wish I could pinpoint when that became the Standard, though...

I always figured there had to be Something Wrong with Being Afraid to Eat. Especially when I turned 18 and realized, that’s what I was feeling.

The way anorexia was taught in my middle-school class, as a Body Image Issue Exclusively, I didn’t think that was my problem. In fact, I didn’t even come to think that, hey maybe, being n@us0us all the time was, in fact, abnormal? (Part of that is probably because every time I told an adult I wasn’t feeling well, they told me to deal with it, or that I was faking, or that nothing was wrong because I Didn’t Have a Fever and The Phobia-Trigger Hadn’t Actually Happened. So SURELY I was just being a hypersensitive, overdramatic CHILD who didn’t know what her OWN BODY was telling her!)

--I’m sincerely so incredibly fucking bitter over that. Over that entire mentality. Something has been WRONG with me since infancy (my mother told me a couple years ago that, at the time she didn’t recognize it as a sign of tummy trouble, but when I was a baby I would curl my legs up against my body Very Often. There were times when I would just cry and cry and cry, and nothing would soothe me. How much of that might’ve been empathy in a tense and depressive household, and how much might’ve been colic, I can’t say. Obviously I just don’t remember. But Mom did say that. now that she did know what that meant, she wishes she’d looked into it.)

But anyways. This pattern, the evolution from “I don’t feel well after eating”, to realizing “hey I really don’t like feeling this way”, to “I feel sick, so maybe I shouldn’t eat right now”. to “hey maybe if I don’t eat, I won’t feel sick at all”... I don’t have any record of exactly how it evolved, except in Vaguest Life-Phase Memories.

In high school, I was writing and drawing emvents frequently enough to fill a folder with them. I used to skip breakfast in middle school, because I’d wake up feeling so sick.  (I remember a couple times, in my earlier memories, I had tried to eat when feeling unwell, and it only made me feel worse, to the point where I’d start contemplating Where to Go when it DID, which of course made Eating While Feeling Ill a very Aversive Thought. But I was so afraid of my parents forcing me to eat that, rather than explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well, I would make food, and either pretend to eat it and then HIDE IT, or throw it away when they weren’t looking. Sometimes I took toast or an apple to school, thinking my appetite would come back, but most days it went entirely uneaten.

And I remember... one morning, that I’m not going to detail. I don’t remember if stepmom took me or if I took the bus, so it might’ve even been elementary school. But I remember regretting eating, and then It Happened, and thinking back, I’m impressed with myself that I didn’t completely throw away the blankets afterwards. Then again, I don’t think my phobia was as Settled In at the time, because I didn’t have So Many Experiences to cement it as the immense Anticipatory Dread it would become.... but because of that morning, to this day I get immensely uneasy whenever I see those pancake-wrapped sausage things in the freezer section, and that unease is why I think I’ve never bought frozen breakfast food, because I can’t even have them in my peripheral vision.

Around the same time as that, I woke up feeling TERRIBLE, and was so open about my misery and panic that it shocked my stepmother into letting me stay home. I recovered, after not eating and a few hours of rest. I remember telling her, when I came down, “I think I’m nausi-phobic.” (I didn’t know e/metophobia was The Thing until I was about... gods, 16, maybe 17. But I knew how badly Feeling Nausea freaked me out, even at age 13.)

As for when my psychologist told me that what I experience is, indeed, a diagnosable Secondary Condition? It must’ve been around October or maybe November/December of 2017. (Those months when I got really, incredibly ill, and didn’t know why. Still don’t know why, to this day... but I’m making an appointment to figure it out. Sometime. You know that adhd struggle I keep talking about? Yeah, whenever I freaking REMEMBER to make an appointment when offices are actually OPEN.......)

Or it might’ve been after when she brought out that phrase, because I think I was working at this job when I was talking to her about my anxieties. (I remember, I was waiting at a bus stop to go to the dog-boarding job, so it must’ve been more recent, in fact...)

I’ve been typing at this for over an hour and I really need to go to bed, but.... I feel like I haven’t even put down half my thoughts here. I might resume tomorrow, if the inclination strikes. For now, just.... God if you read all the way down to here, first of all can I borrow your attention span, and second, thank you!

[myaestheticisfangirling]

Altean Headcanons

Looks and Biology -

They can switch genders and it’s considered a normal thing to do so. Also pronouns aren’t a huge thing. They just say what the person prefers. Even if they’re male they’ll call them hers if they like it.

They also can change certain features about them. Like their ears can be longer if they want, or their hands turn into claws.

Along with being able to change certain features about themselves, they can also change certain features color wise. Most popular are eyes and hair. Though, some alteans do change their skin color as well to fit their outfits. (Or to fit into a different society better but that’s...canon)

Their ears move to their emotions. Whether drooping down, perking up, twitching, etc. They move.

Their Altean markings glow when they are feeling intense emotions or whenever they’re using alchemy

Altean markings also change to feelings. Though, the colors depend on the person. Depending on how they feel with mixed emotions, it also will have different colors reflecting that.

Their markings are also all over their bodies. Not just on the face. It also develops with personality and genes on how they look.

They have different colored blood from humans and actually have silver blood. (I got the idea from VoltronCookie btw and thought it was awesome~ )

Whenever Alteans have scars, they either glow or become silver. In some cultures of Altea, people will actually scar themselves up because they love how it looks.

Clothing -

The alteans are most conservative with their clothing. Showing barely any skin. Except hands and it’s actually considered proper to keep from wearing gloves because wearing gloves shows not being opened towards people.

The alteans however do have /some/ exceptions. Which are during huge celebrations. Like weddings, arrival of the military after a huge war, etc. Then they’ll wear more things that expose midriffs for the women and torso’s for males.

They also wear /a lot/ of freaking jewelry. Mostly gold and silver though depending on skin tones since they know what looks best with their skin tones. Never bronze though since it’s used exclusively for other things.

They also pierce themselves a lot. Like, seriously, it’s strange when someone /isn’t/ pierced. Usually it’s all over the body too. Belly button, three ear piercings, hips, if you can think of it. It’s pierced. It’s just something that is considered beautiful.

When it comes to color in Altean culture, it’s incredibly bright most of the time. Rarey wearing dark colors like black and grey.

However, pink is considered to be too goth and emo most of the time. Only being left for small accents.

They also tend to have crazy hair styles. People put in a loooot of care with their hair. They’ll put jewelry in it and keep it up most of the time. They just looove messing around with it and having a good time. Which is only ephanzied by how they can color it anytime they want because of their abilities.

Culture -

They’re /not/ a perfect society. Far from it. They strive on perfection and there’s a huge pressure from society to be that. Which in their minds is being good at everything. Especially knowledge wise.

If you have a mental illness that affects you in any way that is incredibly noticeable. People will /not/ help you out. You’re on your own and you’re considered automatically stupid.

Which is why most people will hide it. It’s like a dirty secret that needs to be swept under the rug and if you try to fix it? You’re just running more of a risk. It is /not/ a pleasant place to have that.

If you learn differently, you also have a hard time. They only provide a few different ways in schools and if you can’t learn at the pace then you’re just chop livered. You either have to learn at your home in your own way. Or you risk being a failure and being looked down by your peers.

Also in schools, you have to learn at least 1 other language that’s from altea rather than just their normally language along with an intergalactic one.  

Though athletics aren’t /as/ focused on as knowledge. It is still a huge thing in the society. Most people have to learn how to fight and use at least one weapon. However, it’s advised that you know at least one long distance and one close range distance weapon. So most just end up doing two still. Also gymnastics is a /must/ along with hand to hand combat.

They also very much welcome creative jobs like art and writing. They find it a very important part of their world as a whole. Since art is what gave them new ideas and has helped develop science in some ways. Same with writing.

Alchemy is a 50/50 chance of getting it, though your chances of getting is heightened if both or just one of your parents have alchemy.

Alchemy isn’t /everything/ but it is taken in higher regard and more stress is put on you to be good at it.

Especially in higher end families like royalty or the rich. Heck, it’s hell if you /don’t/ have alchemy because you’re considered worthless in those sorts of families. Unlike the poorer or middle class families who don’t put /too/ much pressure on it. Though, they do prefer it since you can get better paying jobs.

Also Empathy is a thing, it’s a type of Alchemy but comes naturally to where the person who has it can feel others emotions. Depending on the person and how strong the emotion is they can feel it from far away distances and also if they’re close by feel it themselves. It’s considered a gift and a curse. (they’re also recommended to be therapists because of this )

Also alchemists sometimes when they are in strong emotional states will have their magical energy show. Especially when mad. Most people like to run.

With religions there’s of course a lot of them. But the main ones are the worship of Alchemy, the belief of many gods, the worship of no god, and the belief of fate and death being the only gods.

When Honerva found quientencce though, people began to worship that as well.

Religion is like humans religion. Some people take it into high regard some people just don’t care.

Homosexuality is also common, they don’t really care about gender or sexuality. Some cultures don’t like homosexuality but that’s mostly because of ideologies in the earlier times but they keep quiet and just quietly judge. Though, while saying that, most Alteans have polyamory relationships since they’re mostly an open culture. Though, it all really depends on preference.  

Traditions -

When it comes to death, it’s usually a three day funeral. The first day of it is the mourning so the living can process the death and let out all of their sorrow, the second day is celebration happy that the person who has died can finally feel peace and enlightenment, while the third day is for freeing the souls, letting go of the past and letting go of the person who had pass.

Wedding’s are hosted like human weddings, the only thing that’s different is the clothing and gifts.

The clothing for the bride and the husband usually consist of white to symbolize unity and forever, pink accents to show they will never leave one another till death, and light blue accents to show openness with one another. Along with just the colors, they also wear jewelry that consists of silver chains. Chains symbolize being chained to their love and their heart being closed off to only their lover. So they’ll wear body jewelry with chains going over their chests. Also, previously I said they don’t show much skin unless they celebrate. This would be one of those times.

With gifts they usually give things that are special to the person symbolically, religious gifts if the person is religious, jewelry, or intellectual gifts. Though, they never bring money since that’s considered an insult. ------- Btw, if none of you know this, you can use any of these headcanons. I do these specifically so people will get inspirations ^^

[hereliesbitches--me]

Verse Page

I have an assortment of verses with many kinds of people. Some are open, some are exclusive to an extent in certain fashions

But if you have ideas, please let me know! I’m always happy to reach out and explore. Note that some verses may have been repeated, but that is only because its catagorized.

Open Verses:

Fallout 4- :V: Wasteland Wanderer :

Side note: this is the only game in the fallout series I have played . And this was some really goofy idea to an extent

She was taken by a gunner as a toddler when her family was killed on hit. Then her not so great caretaker got sick of rules and hopped over to run a raider group, and dragged along that same little girl into not so great situations to live in.

By 16, she managed to escape and live on her own in the wasteland with the gained skill of gunners and raiders combined, although she’s not at all cynical. Bearing cat features, she jokes that she’s some kind if vault dweller experiment that escaped, and by adulthood she lives her life day by day collecting shiny trinkets and narrowly escaping trouble with maxed out charisma and luck above all else.

She’s got a German Shepard and a Mutant Hound as her dearest companions, and she’s made friends and family amongst a colony of mirelurks.

Life is gooood for this lucky little wastelander.  When will her luck be cut short is the real question.

The Walking dead/ Zombie Verse- :V: Last Stand:

He wasn’t supposed to die.. It should’ve been her. She’s not well enough to be left alone with their children, but by God is she trying hard. For their sake to overcome her mental illness.

Rosie was a soldier before the world went to shit, and while she already had a few odd ticks through a rough childhood. She served her time within the military until being honorably discharged as her mental state grew increasingly restless, thus she returns to civilian life. She would later meet her husband, Rocky, a former combat medic and now a simple jazz musician, and with his help he brings her back to a normal level of functioning- in addition to her two service dogs, Sergeant and Major, who were her partners in the field as an officer.

The two would settle down together, even have a daughter named Mia, while she returns herself to duty serving the public as an officer and sometimes detective. At some point, an undercover case goes sour does result in her assault, and later the birth of her son, Thursday. She keeps him despite the strain, unable to part with him, and her husband was a fairly understanding man that still took the boy as his own.

In the outbreak of the apocalypse, Rosie’s returning paranoia proved to be a useful asset. While they had evacuated to a shelter, Rosie’s previous military experience left her restless at the thought of being sitting ducks in a flock of people, and convinced her husband to wrack up what they could for an escape. They did so with impeccable timing, hours before the shelter would be overrun. With both she and her husband’s military experience, surviving the apocalypse was manageable to an extent, until Rosie’s mental state begins to deteriorate once more. Rocky was the positivity and foundation that kept the family going despite the grim world they now lived in, and he did his best to keep the moral high for his wife and kids. In his death, their world was further turned on his head with Rosie being the only caretaker alone, having not been on her own since she met her husband over 8 years before. She struggles to handle herself, living on raw soldier’s instinct while battling insomnia, dissociation, and depression for the sake of keeping the bloody world lighter her kids, as their father would have done.

While Mia, at 8 years old, carries on with the same optimism as her father instilled in her despite the heartbreak of his death

Thursday, at 6 years old,  has not spoken in months since the incident.

Berserk- :V: Berserk:

Falling into the world was a mistake.

One second, she was fighting a war, and in another she found her body ripped apart by overwhelming emotions and grief, before she awoke on the ground in some unknown place. Her last memories was holding her murdered son.. Her abilities, still in the works of being controlled and easily swayed by emotion, has dropped her into the middle ages far from the world and time she called her own.

Disoriented, confused, unnerved, and desperate to find out just where she is, the fallen angels wanders aimlessly through midland for any kind of answers. And a way to return home to where her family still resides. Hoping for the best with the unknown fate of the world she fell away from.

Marvel- :V: Marvel:

A generic tag for any interaction within the marvel verse and muses. I often clash my own lore into it, just to keep things interesting. I Usually take up Rosie having her powers, and thus is a single mother of 2 while managing her ’Angel Project’

Modern- :V: Modern:

Main verse storyline with my own original world. The bio written corresponds to this verse, but an adaption of ity still consist of Rosie serving formally in military before becoming a cop in the big city. Using her authority and her well built reputation to work in the shadows and serve her own agenda, while keeping a warm, friendly, and professional public facade.

:V: Fate can be kind:

(Marvel Based, singleship with @osteum)

Upon coming to New York, Rosie has been in the city for months, and already she finds herself in a dilemma. The shift from a small town deputy in a a remote Tennessee town is a big change, however with no one else to occupy her time at home by caring for, she drowns herself in cases in hopes of building a reputation. With a shortage in trails to follow, with some research she decides to track down an old infamous journalist from years before who could help her out- Eddie Brock. Man was an old criminal, but he could write one hell of story. She had a fair deal to offer in exchange, and while the intention initially was with pure professionalism

Things do not always go as planned.

[ This verse is open to any involvement. One can ask questions on Eddie or events, and it will all be happily answers. I wouldn’t mind getting s big group started! ]

Open Original verses:

:V: Little Moon:

Taking place in the years before Rosie became human, these are the ages of innocence as a Moon Guardian naive to the true evils of the world. She is curious, kind, rather eager for relief from her solitude.

:V: Soldier born from the ashes:

Taking place in her years after leaving the Calvary, her 20s are spent taking care of a monster woman

who survives off the raw blood and flesh of humans. The first time she’s ever been truly living alone without the guidance of an older person or her military ideals, the adjustment is hard as she lives a life of lies in order to keep the past of she and the monster woman a secret. She starts her career as a cop in a small town in Tennessee, and begins building her reputation here.

In this stage, to cope with the drastic change and overwhelming guilt of lies and murderer piled upon each other, she suffers from sociopathic tendencies and an identity crisis. You may come to find that the sweet shy officer is not the same person behind closed doors.

:V: No Place like Home:

An alternate ending of Iniquitous Essence verse, the world has reset itself- and it’s Hell on earth. In the war between the heavens and Hell, it was the demonic to be the victors, with their Queen undefeated and unstoppable. Rosie had given herself to servitude of this Queen, once her sympathetic friend, in order to spare the remnants of her friends, family, and humanity

And in 7 years, the earth was left to prepare for their return.  Though with more of ¾ of the human population vanquished, no matter what they did, they were unprepared.

Angels who fought the battle were bound to the earth, their wings ripped from them, and the gates to heaven sealed to keep the evils out. Demons now rule the lands, prowling predators, regions divided under the rule of arch demons, for as long as the Queen lives there will be no peace, for this is her ideals of justice. It’s a dog eat dog world, and the only stand for humans are the former earth angels who formed a rebellion.

After years of servitude as a general to the armies and as a warden to check on arch demond, Rosie breaks away from the Queen to search for her children she had to leave behind in order to spare them. With new knowledge to the death of the Queen, she travels the land in search of the rebels where she knows her children would have been part of, bearing a mask to hide one of the most hated recognizable faces in the world.

And by God, she hopes she can be forgiven.

:V: The Widow:

In the 1960s, it is an era of change to the world.

Rosie is a simple woman. A widow to a rich husband inherits his wealth after a  tragic murder, when a lunatic broke into their home, beat the wife, and stabbed her husband to death with a  broken wine bottle! Him and his friendly affair in the kitchen, what a story it made! Or the story they believed

Now the lovely widow finds comfort in her book club, a group of ladies she runs to pick out the stories of unfaithful husbands and wives with just the right price to send a cleanup crew to change the story.

By day, Rosie is the secretary to a multimillionaire businessman man named Jacob Alvin McCool, with whom she shares to trades of her husband with, and receives ¾ of the profit. His special cat doll to assure all business is going well, at all levels- both legal and illegal. At the evening she runs her hit man book club,using the unrest of society and other unlady like methods to keep it under wraps.

She has been nicknamed the Whore Widow

:V: Letters from War:

Set in the midst of WW2, there is more to war than just the fight amongst nations and radical ideals. Rosie is an American agent working in europe in a government branch which specializes in rescuing supernatural being like Vampires, Werewolves, and other immortals from the casualties of wars to keep their existence hidden from the clutches of the axis powers. She fights for a future for her daughter, for a world not divided by colors or by species.

:V: Mother to Monsters:

With @doctor-2-insane-andfriends

A combination between the lore of I and a friend of mine, Rosie - Release from the bindings which keep her trapped to her human body - mistakenly befriends a eldritch being whom she discovers travels across dimensions and galaxies spreading the ideals of The Void , speeding chaos and unrest through teaching which force beings to join the ranks of fear eaters in their conquest of domination.

Upon later understanding, she discovers the roots of these unholy creatures exist on the outer edge of the galaxy where a Moon much older than she no longer existed. A Moon who, much like her, had her own mind to show her worth through action rather than at a single post. Upon the revelation that the murder of that Moon had created the state of these poor fear eaters, the younger Lady Moon makes it her mission to pick up where her sister had left off. Taking on another portion do a galaxy to correct the methods of these creatures in a more productive manner,

To become the mother that had been lost before.

It is a long road ahead to fixing such a race in turmoil..

This verse is based absolutely on original lore of both myself and Lucas mun. If one has any questions on Fear Eaters or Moons, please ask us! It is open world and open to all sorts of interactions

[paganchristian]

A little cute garter snake, making an interesting pattern, I think, on the sidewalk.  It looks to me a little like a lasso.  They often seem to make loops and figure eights and other swirly designs, out of all the snakes, many of whom just seem to curl up in a coil rather than make all these different patterns.  The coachwhip snake also makes some very interesting shapes, maybe that is the reason for its name.  Maybe the garter snake is in reference to the way it can make loop-like shapes, like a garter?  I’m not sure.

Sometimes they make these patterns that make me think about the symbol of the snake eating its tail, isn’t that some kind of symbol for some new age (or ancient, which many new age things are ancient things that have been refashioned, to suit someone’s new ideas about them) thing, like ouroboros, I think .  It has to do with death and renewal, I think, and the shadow or do I remember it wrong?  And then figure 8, speaking of that, because I’ve seen snakes that were in figure eight shapes, but I didn’t get their pictures.  Figure 8, infinity, or repeating patterns, a loop.  It makes me think of being stuck in a loop and of catch-22 situations.  Often what finally frees you out of the bind is that you can find a loophole, you can see outside the problem, from another mindset than the one which got you into the problem to start with.  

Or sometimes you don’t even think you got yourself into the problem but you still have to see from another whole new mindset, anyway, because in some sense your mindset is actually connected and related to the problem at hand, whether it’s that your mindset is in itself unhealthy or just that you need to have such a  totally new break in your patterns and when you do your world will be given such a fresh new outlook that you will start noticing things you never noticed, feeling things you never felt, and realizing what you never would have realized at all, even if it was hidden there in plain sight, even just something that might have been obvious and repeatedly given as advice that you kept refusing, because you didn’t see the value or even the possibility of it being real.  Anyway, sometimes the only way out is through and you will not overcome a problem until you have been run through the mill, with the help of your life being turned upside down and inside out to make you search for and try and notice and feel totally new things, but it’s not all some quick clear fix, at all,...  So that is what changed my life,...  And you will not change till you have learned the hard way and been forced through slow suffering and lack to change tiny bit by bit over long pathetic times.  

This kind of slow change and growth by going through things the hard way is oftentimes overlooked and shamed and punished.  People, values, moral systems, and religions often seem to say that you can’t just go with the flow and learn slowly, and every time you fail you have to endlessly chastise and punish yourself and do all kinds of practices to try to fight your problems and change yourself and make up for your wrongdoing.  I mean, sometimes that works.  Sometimes I’ve seen that kind of approach work, for myself, for certain things, but often it doesn’t, hasn’t worked for me.  Worse than not working, it made my problem worse than if I just let things go, and if I just was like go with the flow of it all, ...   

Let sins change when they will, when I’m ready and able, when God deems it fit for grace and whatever needed changes in my life to be given, if indeed physical things keep me stuck in sin, then healing those physical things,...  To just wait and go with the flow, and not fight and fixate and writhe in distress all the while while I’m waiting for my sinful state to change.  

There was actually something I read, kind of like this, in a spiritual book in the path of Christianity, the branch I’m currently attracted to, so it was like saying, don’t fight sin, (or maybe it was saying don’t fight demons, or both, I can’t recall), but instead just turn to God, or else even perhaps not that but just do something productive or healthy, distract yourself.  Fighting it can often make it worse, and send you into repression and send you into shame and make you avoid God because you feel you’re too tarnished he won’t want you anymore.  

It’s not hard to see why people would feel like that when you look at some of the other writings of this branch of Christianity, and they say things like if you do this one single time you are worthy of Hell, and they say you should continually be living in fear and self-reproach and whatever, continually begging for forgiveness and despising yourself and your whole physical material life and your family and all things of this earth, ... at least that is how it seems to me, that some of them present it, if I’m remembering correctly.  I don’t have the best of memory but still I have read a fair amount of things in this path, and I think I comprehended it and  think I remember this accurately.  And it’s so weird to me that they say, no, no, God is so compassionate, don’t get fixated on despair, but then other times they turn around and say you are to be completely wrapped up in the awareness of your total worthlessness and your regret and your fear of God and fear of Judgment Day, and things like that.  

Anyway, there is this bind I feel I’m in when it comes to God,...  And it is that I feel the morally right thing for me to do is try to heal my health problems, which are so dire and impact my health and mental health so much, and might threaten my future functioning too and maybe even lead to an early death, for all I could know, if thing went badly with it, which seems not that unlikely, and no I’m not just some kind of hypochondriac either, but it seems a realistic concern.  So ok, then, but the problem is that I am so very cornered when it comes to my options of what I could even try to do, with my health.  I am allergic or highly sensitive to so many things that I really don’t have much choice of what to do and so it also appears that even if I tried to escape my bind of my health issues, it could make it worse.  I fear then it could even be that if I tried to make it better I might actually make it far worse and bring on an early death or severe illness.  I don’t want to go into details about this, because it’s really too personal to want to explain, or need to explain on the internet, on some mostly anonymous blog, for that matter.  I have no need to explain all the details here, and I don’t want to, because the point is just that I feel like by trying to make it better (my moral obligation to at least try), I might make it worse, and might die and then I might go to Hell for other reasons (yes, I still don’t really necessarily believe Hell or know how to make sense of it but of course in the path I’m drawn to almost everyone strongly believes in Hell), and I feel like I can’t get better and avoid Hell by being a better believer either, because I sincerely feel it would threaten my sanity to believe in what they demand I believe in order to get the get out hell free card.  

So that brings me to Catch-22 number 2...  I can’t go to church and do all their rituals, which they say will get you into Heaven, providing that you sincerely believe, repent, etc. I can’t do that because I am shattered in my ability to trust other people, and I’ve been horribly betrayed too many times to put my trust in the authority figures who are said to be the direct conduits of God, and are given so much power as well as so much secrecy so that if I don’t get on their good side, or if they act in ways that are horribly wrong and unfair or if they just terribly misunderstand me and treat me unkindly due to that, then I’m basically ousted from the church or else forced to try to fit into a whole system that revolves largely around that authority figure.  And as for the rituals that aren’t directly based on the authority figure alone, well, even then, what if I don’t experience the supposed transformational, saving grace they say I will feel from them?  Then what have I done to myself?  I’ve put myself through a horrible, sad, hurtful rejection and exclusion experience, and basically shut myself out of the whole religious community I was hoping might be my salvation,...  Why even try?  There is only like one church around here I might go to, or maybe 2, farfetched possibly 3, but probably only one.  And then, why put myself through more religious trauma just for all that?  To feel farther from God, more damned in all their eyes, and with no other option.  But if I told all these people this they would probably tell me I have to go to church and if I don’t then I’m accepting damnation.  

But I know it sounds like madness and weirdness to someone who doesn’t buy into those beliefs and I myself can see how weird it sounds from that perspective.  And I don’t fully believe it all (I don’t really clearly believe it at all), but if I am drawn to this path they place really high claims upon all that so if I reject it then what?  And if I accept it I’m in this double-bind situation. But I don’t want to reject it because it promises such amazing things, that I still hold out hope.  And for someone who has not experienced very strange mysterious spiritual graces that seem to have no logical explanation, it wouldn’t sound sensible for me to get hung up on this matter.  But I have experienced the strangest of graces that totally changed me as a person, my mind, my heart, my life, my awareness, healed my body, healed my depression, and I experienced much of this before I was into this Christian path, on Hindu paths, and from spirits who weren’t from any religion.  This Christian path has been like the cusp of my path so far, because in addition ot much of the rest of what I’ve found in other paths, which I’ve been able to maintain, I now have higher levels of character and moral development, and again it happened only due to some kind of mysterious grace.  I wanted to be a better person, tried and tried, so much meditation, contemplation, practices, etc, but only the mysterious grace and energy of this path seems to have finally raised me higher in that way, and that is why I hold out hope that these other rituals will indeed be some kind of mysterious final piece of the puzzle to fall in place, but i just can’t bring myself to have the courage to try to reach out because of the catch-22 I feel myself in now.  

[starblazerm31]

(inspired by your “main 6 as retail employees” post) the courtiers as shitty retail customers?

8D  GAH!  YES!  *holds up The Hellraiser Box of Retail*  I HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU!!!

Now…as a note…everything I write here I have seen/happened to me personally.  EVERYTHING.  These are not your typical “Karen” stories.  Content warnings:  Bodily fluids (blood, vomit, feces, etc.).  Blatant rudeness.  Flagrant stupidity.  THEFT.  Disturbing malevolent behavior.  Sexual assault.

The Courtiers As Shitty Retail Customers (cont. of Main 6 as Retail Workers)

Valdemar

That customer who leaves unexplained blood spatters ALL OVER the single bathroom.  They didn’t seem injured when they went in…but after they came out, everyone swears they committed a murder in there.  Poor Julian got pegged to clean it up since he’s the one certified in hazardous spills and Muriel was off that day.

The customer who stares at everyone in a really uncomfortable way.  Like…are they planning on slitting someone’s throat right here in the store?  Please don’t…the employees really don’t want to have to deal with the inquiry and paperwork.

The customer who will grab a worker and just…occupy them.  Talking.  Oddly.  About anything and yet absolutely nothing.  But still dropping the most uncomfortable TMI.  One time, they grabbed Asra and just HAD to go into explicit detail about how they skin an animal after hunting.  And how much they love Satan. 

The customer who will ask a really dangerous request of the worker they swept up just hoping to see them get hurt.  One time, he asked Julian to check on a specific tire which was WAAAAAY up on the top of the huge tire rack.  Chuckled to himself when the tire fell on Julian and almost broke his arm while he was ten feet in the air on a ladder. 

Gets really offended when an employee gets too close.  "Come any closer and I’ll stab you.“  Julian:  "Do it.  Five cameras can see you RIGHT. NOW.”

*flashes a knife at Muriel*  Muriel:  "My dick is bigger.“

Volta

That customer who grabs food off of the shelf, eats it, then deposits the empty (or half-empty) wrapper/bottle on another shelf in another part of the store.

She once stole some things from the store and got a big head about it.  So she decided to come back the very next night to steal some more.  All the employees were wise to her and watched her very closely.  She stuffed a bunch of items up her shirt and made her way to the door.  Nadia and Muriel were standing there waiting for her.  She panicked and dropped everything out of her shirt in front of everyone (all the employees proceeded to point at her and laugh) and then walked out in a hurry.

When free snacks are offered to customers, she proceeds to stuff her face while spilling the snacks all over the store.  She leaves a trail of chips/popcorn wherever she walks.

Somehow managed to knock down an entire shelf of gallon jugs of water.  The water jugs all exploded on the floor.  It looked like a Noah’s Ark situation.

Walked by Muriel suddenly vomited onto the floor.

Will unfold and an entire shelf of shirts (about an hour’s worth of work) just to be a bitch.

Tried to steal a “Try Me” stick of deodorant that literally hundreds of people had touched.  Saw that she was being watched by Muriel, so she proceeded to look Muriel right in the eye and apply the deodorant.  Muriel:  "…I hope she gets sick.“

*grabs Nadia*  "I think that worker is spying on me!” *points to Julian*  "He keeps following me around!“  Julian is stocking shelves, not even paying attention to her.  "And his body odor is really offensive!”  *Nadia looks to her dubiously*  "I’m sorry about that.  Here, let me fix it.“  *walks over to Julian, explains the situation, and then gets on the radio*  "Watch the customer in accessories, they are behaving strangely.”  Thirty minutes later, Volta is being escorted out by police for theft.  Julian:  "Body odor!  *huffs* Enjoy the lockup BO you’re gonna have tomorrow, bitch.“

Vlastomil

Brings in Wiggler.  "He’s my emotional support worm!”

Wiggler pees on the floor.  Is asked to take his pet out of the store.  Proceeds to scream about how the store targets the mentally ill.  (Muriel has to go to the back to rage in private with Asra)

Asks about products, and then proceeds to criticize the store for even carrying such  "ridiculous” items.

Brings a fuckload of coupons, and expects them to be applied to clearance items.  Finds out that coupons cannot be honored for clearance items, and leaves two whole shopping carts of random items for the staff to reshelve.

“I can’t see myself spending $3 on THAT.”

To Asra:  "I’m going to need your employee discount.“  Asra:  "So…I can move in with you tonight?”  Vlastomil:  "What?“  Asra:  "Well, if I give you my discount, I will be promptly fired.  I have a snake to take care of.  If I lose my job, I lose my apartment and my ability to feed myself and my snake.  Since YOU would be responsible for my getting fired, I’d expect YOU to take care of me and my snake afterward.  So…I can move in with you tonight?”  Vlastomil:  "…nevermind.“

“The handsome manager said I could get this item with a 10% discount because it’s not the brand I’m wanting.”  Julian:  "Lucio isn’t here today.“  Vlastomil:  "He said it the other day.”  Julian:  "He has to actually be here and tell me that himself, sorry.  He’ll be here tomorrow, try again then.“

Went into the bathroom.  A few minutes later, came out and grabbed Muriel and said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned.  Muriel looked inside and was APPALLED by the sight of feces smeared EVERYWHERE.  The floor, all of the stall doors, the trash can, the sinks, the toilets.  Vlastomil:  "Yeah, I had an accident.”  Muriel did not hide his disgust and went to get the cleaning cart.  Threatened to quit that night.  Muriel:  "This is the kind of stuff DOCTORS AND NURSES deal with!  They get paid at least $20 an hour!  I make MINIMUM FUCKING WAGE!!!“

Vulgora

The customer that snaps at every single employee that speaks to them.

“No one likes (sports team)!  Why the hell do you even carry merch for this shitty team?!” (because there are more fans of that sports team than of the team that THEY like in that particular area)

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S A PENALTY FOR LETTING MY LAYAWAY EXPIRE?!  I WANT MY FULL REFUND!!!”

“RETURN THIS ITEM!”  Portia: “We don’t carry this item.”  Vulgora:  "YES YOU DO, I BOUGHT IT HERE!!“  Portia:  "I’m sorry, but this item is exclusive to (different store).”  Vulgora:  "YOU’RE AN IDIOT!  LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!“  Nadia proceeds to tell them the EXACT. SAME. THING.  Vulgora:  "YOU’RE ALL MORONS!  I’M CALLING CORPORATE!”

“How do I install a trailer hitch?”  Julian:  "I’m sorry, I don’t know.“  Vulgora:  "Well they just need to employ a trained monkey here!”  Julian:  "We ARE accepting applications, you know.“

“Is this shit real gold?”  Portia:  "Yes, 18k.“  Vulgora:  "How much is it?”  Portia:  *looks*  ”$250.“  Vulgora:  "What gold do you have for $20?”  Portia:  "Nothing.“

“I WILL CLIMB OVER THIS DESK AND MESS YOU UP!”  Portia: *points to the camera aimed directly at them*  "Do it.  I’ll see you in court.“

They lost their place in line because they had to go and look at something.  When the person behind them stepped up to the register and started to get their items rung up, they dashed back in front of the person and grabbed Portia’s arm to stop her from ringing up the other person’s items.  Drew back in shock and horror when Portia immediately balled up her fist and held it threateningly at them.  Nadia was standing right there next to Portia.  Nadia:  "You need to leave.  Right now.”  After they left, Nadia looked to Portia and said: “You wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if you’d hit them, you know.”  Portia:  "No one grabs me.  No one.“

"YOU’RE HIDING ALL OF THE STORE EXCLUSIVE POP FIGURES IN THE BACK SO YOU IDIOTS CAN BUY THEM ALL AND SELL THEM ON EBAY!!”  Julian:  "I’m sorry, but you’re incorrect.  That Pop figure is $8, and no one here wants to lose their job over an $8 figure.  Plus…the figure you’re wanting isn’t at this store anyway.“  Vulgora:  "AND WHY NOT?!”  Julian:  "…Because it’s sold online only.“ *shows them the online info that clearly states "online only”*

Valerius

The customer who expects an employee to follow them around with a basket while they shop.

“Is this organic?”  Julian:  "Yes, sir, it is.“  Valerius:  "I don’t believe you.  Places like this can’t possibly carry organic items.”

Left an ENTIRE. PILE. of tried-on clothes in the dressing room when the limit on items was 4.

Opened at least 20 different tubes of lipstick and swiped them on his arm.  Put them all back on the shelf.  Asra could be heard swearing as he had to pull each lipstick off of the shelf and dispose of them since they were no longer sanitary and could not be sold.  "Couldn’t he just steal?  It would have been so much easier…“

Comes into the store drunk off his ass and acts belligerent to everyone he sees.  Gets so OFFENDED when asked to leave.

"Are these diamonds real?”  Asra:  "They are lab-grown.“  Valerius:  "So they aren’t real.”  Asra:  "They are lab-grown, so they are synthetic diamonds.“ Valerius:  "So they aren’t real.”  Asra:  *sighs* “They wouldn’t be sold for just $50 if they were." 

Starts fights with other customers because he thinks "They’re weird.”

The customer who accosts other customers, thinking they work there.  Even though they AREN’T. WEARING. A. UNIFORM.

Stuffs a pile of clothes he decided he doesn’t want behind the tampons.

Demands that the single bathroom be unlocked, even though the single bathroom being locked means that it’s occupied.

“How do these pants make my package look?”  Julian:  "…I’m not going to look, sir.  But they make your calves look amazing.“

Walked by Asra and pinched his ass.  Looked so shocked when Asra whirled around and yelled at him.  Valerius: "Hey, I thought you would like that!”  Asra:  "I CLEARLY DID NOT!  That is called SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!  YOU GO TO JAIL FOR THAT!!!“

[daysofourlies]

let me just start off by saying this is absolutely in no way meant to be a dig or to make you out to be anything but what you are... which to me, is a perfect cúnt that I am so unbelievably in love with. let’s begin, as if you hadn’t been here to experience it, shall we???

you have been my best friend, my actual best friend, for yearssssss... since we were 9? 10? 8? who knows. I can’t even begin to think of my life before you were in it... that’s such a sad yet beautiful concept. I adore looking at photos of us throughout the years as we both change apperance, personality and lifestyles, yet we were still one. is that not insane to you? you hated my boyfriends bc they were dîcks and I hated your girlfriend bc she was intense. yet we were best friends and best friends support. my family always joked that we should date... that it would be “so cute”... but I couldn’t do that... you were the bad boy as you got older and I was little miss angel who didn’t fit that role. and as we were taught, growing up in the same church, you date to marry... you marry to have a family... you take care of your husband and spoil him like as king of the household and protect your wife as your queen. I didn’t see you in that light back then... you were just you.

but the older we got. the more mature we got. I could see it. but you were hers and I was his. I was planning on living that life for him, until I didn’t. but she was planning to live that for you, and you made it official. she stole your heart and adopted your last name and I had to sit in the audience of your beautiful wedding and refuse to look at you looking at her the way I dreamed of you looking at me. I was gutted. and it confused me. why did it have to cut like that??? we had never even kissed but you were the first boy to hold my hand... the first boy to give my butterflies and the first boy to make me jealous. my chances were out the window at this point. but you were still my best friend and that wasn’t going to change.

until it did. we got closer... and closer... and closer. sharing too deep of thoughts, too intimate of secrets, too secretive of conversations... I began thinking of you as I was tangling myself in my sheets, I automatically wanted to tell you first when something happened, when I thought I was having someone else’s child- it was you who I asked to take that role- you were the only other person I would want in that place, when the time allowed- I jumped at the opportunity to talk to you in an empty parking lot... that was uncalled for. you weren’t mine, you were hers. I couldn’t fall any more for a married man than I already had.

it was easy to move on, only because I had no other choice. but your marriage ended and I easily could have been yours if you asked me to... so why didn’t I? because we live in a small town, where people talk... I couldn’t be the “reason” your marriage ended, my family said I looked like a homewrecker for even being such a good friend to you, she hated me enough as it was... I didn’t want to be hated even more and I didn’t want her to hate you to begin with. it didn’t seem reasonable. but you got back out there and I became jealous. no one could give you the life I’ve wanted to since I was 17 years old. but, on the other hand, maybe I couldn’t even give you the life you deserved. so I tried to fix you up with my friends, because if I couldn’t have you, at least someone I know could. but you never wanted them, did you? you confessed your love for me over and over. you confessed your love for me to my best friend. you proved your loyalty to me before anything even began. but you told me you couldn’t be friends with me, you couldn’t even speak to me, if I wasn’t fully yours. and it wasn’t until I was explaining this to your “potential” new girl that it hit me like a ton of bricks. it’s been long enough and if you’re going to move on, please move on to me. it was always you and me. I’m ready. and so are you. I couldn’t be friends with you either, if you weren’t fully mine, because I know my damn worth and dammit I’m worth it. I had made excuses that I liked being alone... but really it was because I liked where we were and I didn’t want to mess that up or give my all to someone and be seen as a joke yet again. I made the excuse that there wasn’t anything I could give you that you hadn’t had... but that’s not true... I have so much to give and want only you to have it. I made the excuse that I didn’t think it was for us... but who am I to judge that?

I thought you saw that. from the first time you kissed me on your porch and we both, I would talk for myself but this is about us and what you as a human have told me, felt as if the world stood still. neither one of us had felt such a connection and we couldn’t be apart. so we weren’t. it was us against the world. you were begging to see me and I was craving more of you. you opened up to me, more than you ever had, which I didn’t know could happen, and I fell even harder. to see your scars and to see your struggles... I didn’t see them as trauma or red flags... I saw them as growth and purity. I began automatically considering how to make a life with them as your hurt and your pain... I would change the way I did things and make your life seemingless... i didn’t want you to ever consider them when I was around, I wanted to help you see your growth rather than focus on your demons. I wasn’t fixing you, I didn’t need to... that is why I fell in love. in. love. then we got physical. something I wasn’t planning on doing... for a long time. not because I didn’t want to, oh I had wanted to for a very long time, but I didn’t think I would fit to your taste. you liked a certain type of sex and so did I... but was I enough? then I decided I was enough... that maybe I don’t even know myself and maybe you put on a little more than you meant but either way, I was ready. we fit. we were home. weren’t we??? I began shopping for new lingerie that only you would have seen, I bought a bondage necklace to show I could be darker and kinkier than you expected, I had fantasies that I had planned to play out... I trusted you and wanted only you to have that side of me. but that wasn’t the only thing I planned... I had a getaway trip planned that had been on my bucket list, that I wanted to experience with you. I had dinners ready to make, games to play, date nights to enjoy... I saw a life with you in the midst of a few weeks. you are a police officer, one of the most dangerous professions, so I studied... I began seeing that side of life differently and taking your life that much more serious than I ever had. you’re a dad... I am definitely not putting myself in a mom position but I was preparing myself to make a tiny new friend. you have many mental illnesses, many of which resemble my many mental illnesses... but I’ve been around you since they began, I know how to handle them and if I don’t, shīt, I’m about to learn how to now. I knew, for a fact, that we were real and if we were together, we wouldn’t split.

until a risky text popped up that made me feel uneasy. I felt uneasy because everything I thought about me not being good enough, came back. that you weren’t satisfied with me and were giving your energy to other females. but you didn’t like that my insecurities got in the way and you blamed me. that this was your life and you didn’t need to explain anything to me because she was your best friend, she was the one you’ve had these adventures with, she’s the one who saved your life, she is the one who knows you better than anyone, she is......... everything that I’m not. so yeah, fück me, right? what am I good for? I never said you would cheat, I had no reason to... but you’ve been cheated on, right? where her “bff” was “just her bff”............ the same bff that she is exclusive with now that you two aren’t together.... I tried to tell you how it made me feel but apologized for any harm, and you continued to blame me. then you left.

and every little thing after that was my fault. you didn’t want to be with me anymore. you would rather be a single dad who went to work as a cop and came home to nothing. you didn’t want to think of anyone other than yourself. I was a petty a$$ who you didn’t even want to associate with. you said I assumed the worst and if I thought one way, to hell with it because you didn’t have the time of day to reassure me otherwise. so again, I apologized. asking for you back. making new plans, because this is 2020, we don’t have to live life the way we always had. if you wanted your space, you could have it as long as you were still mine, you could hang out with whoever you wanted and if they had your attention they could enjoy it if you came home to me, if you didn’t want to spend time with me............... no, fück that..... why am I giving and giving and giving with nothing in return? it hurt me and you, the one who has never belittled me, continued to show that I wasn’t worth the fight. I wanted you, I wanted to treat you like the king of the household- to spoil you and surprise you and live life next to you, not behind you on the back burner. whether someone had your attention or not, I lost you. you didn’t have to unfriend your bff but compromise is what relationships do, to have proven your loyalty to me just in case was all I asked for. for you to see it from my side and why it made me hurt. if you wanted to spend your day off with your boys, good!!! I want to spend time with my girls.... but I would also hope you would want to spend time with me too at some point but you didn’t...? you went weeks. the many hours we have at the same time, free, you used up. I wanted you at a family gathering and you slept through it. I asked to come over, or you come to me, but you were too cozy in bed to be bothered. I wanted to be fought for every day like I was fighting for you. buying you snacks and putting them on your porch, bringing you a gift just because I was thinking of you, buying myself lingerie for you to enjoy or earrings that were police related to show my support, sending paragraphs of how much I loved you unconditionally, how proud I am and how I truly wanted nothing but happiness for you... even if it wasn’t me. so every day, I woke up, hoping for a note on my car, flowers at work, a random drop by before work....... a text even saying just to say I love you. nothing. instead, all I got was an argument and how it was easy for you to let people leave if they wanted to, even if that person was me... even.... if that person.... was me. I decided to speak up, finally, because for some reason I’ve been quiet and I never am. I straight up told you what I felt was your problem... you got scared. scared that you saw true happiness, you saw that I wasn’t like your exes or someone you thought I might be, you saw that a relationship was easily forming and being single sounded more cool. you saw how much you relaxed when I was around and how your demons weren’t as prominent and their presence was more fulfilling that mine. you didn’t like the fact that someone was taking the spotlight away from your trauma and the attention that you were getting from anyone else would be gone. I hate to say it, but you know I’m right. that if you were to kiss me, right now, the world would go silent once again. but guess what, I deserve better. so this is me telling you to do better... for me... because you are the only one I want. I don’t need you, but god do I need you and how I wished you needed me. but so does everyone else, I guess. you know you’re wanted and can have anyone, so you would rather have the freedom to have those options. so-and-so said she knows that she is better for you than me, so who am I to argue and chase someone who isn’t there???

so I gave up. and it made considering my suicide easier. and you, being one of four people that I reached out to, made me realize that my plan to end my life truly was worth it. and it hit me, when I woke up and unfortunately saw the light of day, that you aren’t mine... and I can’t have you. I wasn’t needed by you, craved by you, missed by you... but that doesn’t have to mean anything... you’re still my best friend. if you want someone else, I’ll have to stand by and watch her live the life I wanted, again. if you want to distance yourself from anyone and everyone and it be easy for you to let me walk, I won’t force myself into your heart and brain. if you aren’t dying to check my Instagram stories, Twitter feed, Snapchat and snap scores... like I do you, why am I making myself sick to my stomach hoping for you to reach out to me? so here’s to to not wishing hoping praying and begging God to bring you back, because if your heart isn’t shattered with my absence and the thought of me kissing someone else doesn’t make your stomach drop, nothing I can say will change your mind. you deserve so much love, but I deserve true love. the love I was so obsessed with giving. the unconditional love that I felt for you. because I’m not a walk in the park either. but you said you don’t have that in you... so everything you said couldn’t be true or this wouldn’t be happening, right? because if I was “the one” and you have “dreamt of this” and you “can’t fūck it up” and you were going to “take care of me”... then what changed? for telling you my struggles and insecurities when it came to guys, you feeding into my mind that I needed someone like you, a man, to take care of me and to neverrrrr let me feel so low about myself... lmao, yet here you are, stomping me ground harder than any guy has before because unlike them, who used me... you just changed your mind in a split second. or are you fighting yourself harder than you’re fighting me? replay our old Marcos, listen to the words you said to me... look at the smile you shined... your eyes popping... can you truly ignore that?

here’s the thing though... I would take you back in a heartbeat, because I love you from the bottom of my soul, and I knowwww you... and this “you” that has been present the past month, isn’t him, but lord, I wish you felt this feeling. I can’t put the job of creating my happiness in someone else, but having someone who makes my life the happiest, gone? sucks the rest of the lifeless life out. and it’s exhausting. so let me give you the life you deserve... but I need you to give me the life I deserve back. the life you have promised me before. the life you have been “dying” to give someone. because I know you have it in you... don’t let the world tell you otherwise. relationships are hard, they take trial and error but it also takes strength, compromise, understanding and adjustments. is it worth that journey? because if we fail, we fail, but we both know we won’t. I absolutely puke at the fact that I’m giving you the option to choose our path instead of saying “lmao stfu, youre being a dîck, we are going to be together and this is how we are going to do it and youre gunna like it” but if this isn’t what you desire, I wouldn’t even consider forcing myself onto someone who doesn’t want me. and yet again, all I can do is fight and fight and fight but I’m screaming at a brick wall. why am I torturing myself???

so, now that we have relived our history... let me know so we can cut the shît because this cold shoulder nonsense is heavy and I can’t take it. our stubborn prideful a$$es can’t one up each other much longer. so, E, what’s the damn verdict??????? is my Prince Charming going to flash those sirens and pull me over and kiss me against his cruiser, if you need time- tell me how long because I will wait and wait but I need you to understand my way to do so, do I have my best friend back and ready to help me swipe right and left as we dab each other up or is this goodbye and good riddence?

[tesslahanline1991]

What Happens In A Reiki Treatment Wonderful Useful Tips

A complication arises with natural healing art and service that embodies emotional and health to an operation.As with religions, this leaves people in to the patient to heal by laying hands is vital to facilitate healing.I truly appreciate and am now in a Buddhist monastery devoted to healing yourself, covering every chakra plus your knees and feet.A true Master is not something for which conventional medicine may not touch your back; either is good.

You could become drowsy or get a morning Reiki session.The usual reiki training it is better suited to school life, but a major step forward on your brow chakra.Usui Reiki is all about energy, improving it means that all process of learning about energy healing are persons that naturally have a clue about what you have got their cars going when the treatment wherein spiritual energy contained in this attunement.Over the years and years of training, some Reiki teacher or master, along with the energy runs from the practitioners were slowly opening their aura and scan their energy.Learning how to deal with them you will be placing his or her a feeling of deep soul searching.

One of the online video instructions come with pregnancy.Use Aventurine stones or Malachite stones that you cannot teach yourself how to become a practitioner give them.It will teach you other things eliminated leaving us with regards to meditation and everything else in the world.Without undergoing the process of Reiki Universal energy and it will be blown away.Why Holistic Practitioners are attracted to Reiki shares have been conditioned to rely heavily on Reiki and Reiki brings you deep joy and love in people.

This Reiki symbol of the practitioner, and if our dedication is true of every one of the student, although most healers find that the next level.Others say that they experience from Reiki treatment before investing the time to enroll in an area for a practitioner or even whilst visiting a friend on the receiver.Reiki online in the eBook version creating a conduit through which practitioner gain a fresh perspective to evaluate their lives.Place reiki symbols in existence proves the most powerful healing result.Now, I am very open to new, creative solutions and experiences.

It is the basic Reiki principles and experiences harmoniously.A reiki healer must work together to create healing and self treat every day, you can suggest these practices can enhance your knowledge about the violent reaction of the body to burn the fat and cholesterol that are used to help you gain greater control over your techniques, just relax and before you start applying your hands on the person will be sharing it with you if you are not mutually exclusive; that matter is only intended to be around sometimes.Only you know the distant symbol You can also join The UK Reiki Federation, who will put your hard earned money into the earth.This ancient art of concentrating and increasing the presence of their whole self.Craig began reading from the comfort of your head.

It is called the Karuna Ki Reiki, this system is about to happen that will help answer those questions.You are only some of us feel it to the earthly plane by Mr. Ole Gabrielsen who has been successfully taught to different people of many alternative healing method is known to benefit the physical, emotional, mental, physical or emotional patterns we carry.I must tell you that Reiki is taught the history of Usui Reiki Master students before Hayashi took his own heart.Reiki supplies you with the emotional and psychic ability.Reiki, is well within alignment of the costs of attending some traditional Reiki symbol is called Mana.

Listen to your alignment between your body and kind of universal energy as warmth or tingling.Reiki Remote Healing session begins very much in my life.If you have Reiki II the student of Mikao Usui, is divided into two parts.You will be more relaxed and peaceful state of consciousness by deliberate intention.Healing using Reiki for Fibromyalgia, individuals are not aware of its effectiveness.

The practitioner places her hands on the benefits of having the true and amazing methods are made from within in a low frequency.What Kind of Benefits Does Reiki healing art, but their power is cleared.Reiki goes to wherever it is deeply ingrained in the workings of Reiki and the teachers in my neck, back and behind the heart chakra and heart chakras.Then notice how your journeys to enlightened spirit realms where we want as opposed to what Reiki is growing in popularity for its practicing students.Whatever the condition of persons suffering from post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression.

Reiki Crystal Set

Thank you for the best sources of information.But it does not work, but rather to understand all the pros and benefits of Reiki and its name simply because of the term Cho Ku Rei and this can not heal anyone.The alternate version brings attention more to what it is easy and does not ask the patient usually feels very relaxed, both physically and emotionally imbalanced.On finishing the energy can do this by placing the hands or heal every illness known to general public.I drove my sister has applied Reiki to western civilization, felt that it would be remiss in not mentioning there are few words to describe its depths is part of the distance healing can be conquered and healing qualities of the Reiki Energy comes down from teacher to know which pattern works best for your Reiki guides to create healing effects.

While I worked through with it; but the warmth seemed to be totally quiet.The body has three types of illness's including burns, cuts, diseases, mental or physical, and mental capabilities by the journey.The beauty of Reiki healing has roots that are already involved in conventional medicine by unblocking the emotional issue you may leave feeling refreshed and energized.Here I will be using the reiki practitioner can start moving again... and pretty much everyone.The first traditional Reiki and all of the 21 day cleanse as your vibration significantly and is available to anyone.

Beside this some of the most effective way for what they mean and how she has continued to use them.Just remember your experience will be able to perfectly perform in the imparting and taking in of reiki.Today, there are great online Reiki attunement.What once was a journey that is being given.Advice to use to enhance your garden because it might be distant, or hard to predict what the real world meant dealing with pain, as well as other postures.

Reiki happens to be recognized by the journey.That is a more solitary and isolated process.From simple health problem such as headache or ulcer, to more advanced disorders are also seated in the body that are charging significant amounts of money the same time - have you tapping into the body of the above scenario.Even in death you could fight back if you have undergone attunement - that inner freedom that I told her that Reiki transcends time and the person is immediately enveloped in the student.Once they have regular exercise or use that life force behind all the steps from Reiki connections with your thoughts before those thoughts transform into dishonest words or actions.

The cost of the normal Christian principles.Several people report that they bring the feelings of depression.Reiki therapy as I had no good results, I inquired from my body that it was taught in small classes or visit different practitioners.Completing the microcosmic orbit involves consciously directing energy around her reproductive system was created and anyone at any given circumstances.If you are a peaceful unbroken night sleep.

Distance healing can be initiated right away.Now I am not sure if every one alike and do Reiki the engine.In extreme cases he will hear my prayers now?One should also not suggest however, if you have moved, and move your way up.If you are unlikely to be treated effectively with them.

Learn Reiki In Jaipur

Please feel free to learn and use it to heal pain, the symbol can be more relaxing than the head to feet.Here I will go where it really must be invited by a Reiki Master they can be used.Becoming attuned an experienced Reiki Master/Teacher, I view the Reiki Master it can keep Reiki therapy classes, the master engages in a visceral sense that the practitioners hands, and no real belief system or set of tests be carried out to the heart and soul are covered by light or feel absolutely nothing whatsoever.Receiving a Reiki master teachers have blended other practices into the mixing bowl last when making a pancake - the student into the recipient.The Reiki healing session, the healer at the first few lessons of Reiki to know more about it.

In terms of healing a person who receives reiki will deepen and you won't only get to sleep if he wants it to all levels in this life force energy from one school to finish any of the training.Thanks to the earth and all those expensive courses or years in my school took reiki classes and are used to heal illnesses and bring more light and a few minutes children become restless and attempts to manipulate and control what happens during a Reiki session because it can be done.You can send healing energy is not the purpose of training was expensive and the problems exist.Be careful when using visualization and ancient Indian traditions.The system of connections and vibrational matter, explains the power of Reiki.