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professor-riddikulus · 8 years ago

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On a Clear Night - Chapter 8

Hello friends, this is Chapter 8 of my ongoing Wolfstar fic “On a Clear Night”, if you’re not familiar, you might want to start from the very beginning (it’s a very good place to start), because by this point shit is starting to get damn real.

Summary: What if Snape had never found his way to the Shrieking Shack in Harry's third year? What if Peter hadn't escaped? Peter is going to trial, Harry is moving in with his fantastic, ex-con of a godfather, and Remus and Sirius need to find a way to build a bridge over twelve years of misunderstanding and misplaced hatred. Rated M - Romance/Angst - Remus/Sirius Words: 28,770

Did I mention you should start from the beginning? I did? Okay, on to the fic!

On Boxing Day they all (mercifully) slept in. Remus was just heading downstairs at half past ten to have his morning toast and tea when he quite literally ran into a shirtless Sirius.

"Woah there Moony. Careful." Sirius was smiling.

"Hey, erm good morning Sirius." Remus willed himself not to stare at Sirius' chest, covered in tattoos,which though thinner, had lost none of its appeal since Remus had last seen it. You can't g around saying you want to just be mates for a while if you keep giving him sentimental gifts and staring at his incredibly appealing chest.

"Heading down to the kitchen?"

"I thought I might have a bite."

"Hold on, don't go anywhere, I have something for you. Fuck wait here." Sirius left Remus standing on the landing and threw himself back up the stairs to his room. After a few moments he returned with a frame in his hand. He shuffled it back and forth from his left hand to his right a few times before handing it to Remus.

"I wanted to give this to you yesterday, but I didn't know how you'd take it, so I erm...fuck...I just have a copy and I thought...well it means a to to me so I thought you might want one too."

Remus was only half-listening to this waterfall of anxious words because he had turned over the frame and seen the picture inside. His own, sleepy, eighteen-year-old face looked back at him. It was the photo they took the day they moved into their new flat, the one Sirius had insisted on snapping as they were drifting off to sleep on that horrible couch they had. Sirius was bright-eyed and grinning, showing off his canines and messy hair. He was shirtless, as he was in front of Remus now, his tattoos swimming across his chest. Sirius looked in the photo as if someone had just handed him the whole world on a plate, greedy and excited and warm. God he looks so young. We both do. Neither of them had the deep worry lines carved into their face, or in Remus' case the streaks of grey hair along his temples. The younger Remus looked sleepy, utterly satisfied, comfortable, safe, with the smallest hint of disbelief as if he didn't know how he was allowed to have this kind of happiness. He would have given anything in that moment to have that happiness recapture the electricity and ease in equal measure that passed between them in the photo.

Remus looked up and realized that there were tears in his eyes. Sirius was watching him, slightly wary.

"Hey Remus, look shit I'm sorry I didn't know it would make you sad -"

But Remus took one quick step, closed the distance between them and kissed Sirius. There was nothing, Remus decided, like kissing Sirius Black. It was like swimming in a warm rip current that pulled you in and out to sea, a force of nature. It only took a second for the shock to fade from Sirius' body and for him to wrap a strong hand around Remus' waist, pulling Remus against him. Remus' whole body seemed to have grown extra nerves, he was acutely aware of every point of contact between them, each meeting burning itself into his mind until he was totally overloaded and could do nothing but lean on Sirius for support. Sirius deepened the kiss, trailing his teeth across Remus'' bottom lip and Remus give a little "oh" of surprise. Sirius made a noise somewhere between a moan and a growl that sent a shock down Remus' spine and made him acutely aware of how hard he was already. He threaded a hand through Sirius' hair and tugged it just a little bit the way Sirius used to like, pressing further against him. The rest of the world disappeared until there was only the taste of Sirius, the feel of him, the feeling of home. Touching him after thousands of days imagining touching him - it was better than he could have ever imagined. It was like breathing again, like kissing Sirius had jump started his heart from hibernation, he could feel it beating in his throat.

Remus could have stayed like that forever, could have never let go of this man, his anchor. But there was a rustling on the landing behind Sirius and Remus realized that they were making out on the landing right between his bedroom and Harry's. He pulled away from a reluctant Sirius almost at the exact same time as Harry opened his bedroom door to see his two godfathers pink in the face and a bit breathless. Remus was still holding the photo Sirius had given him in his hand and he put it behind his back under the scrutiny of the surprised teenager.

Harry smirked at them, Sirius was looking at the floor, not helping their charade at all.

"Oh well good morning godparents," Harry said in the voice he usually reserved for sassing Snape, "I hope you two are staying out of trouble?" His eyes lingered a bit on Sirius' mussed hair and Remus' bright pink cheeks, "So I'm just going down to the kitchen for at least an hour now."

And with that he turned and left the landing, Sirius and Remus staring after him.

"When did he get so-?"

"He's been living with you too long already Padfoot."

"Don't blame me, he's James' kid, some of this is genetic."

"Some of it."

They looked at each other for a long moment and the awkward emotional tension that had stretched between them since Remus left Hogwarts began to creep back into his mind. He'd just kissed Sirius. Kissed him after he told him that he wanted to take things slow. More than that, he searched his mind and realized that in no way did he regret it at all. He'd do it again if he had the chance.

Sirius was looking at him intensely and Remus smiled a little half-smile at him, "That was..erm…"

"Incredibly unexpected and deliciously sexy?" Sirius offered.

"Yes. Exactly that."

"Hey Remus? It's okay if you still think I'm devilishly handsome. I really can't blame you."

"Shut up Sirius."

"I mean but you can't resist can you?"

"And why the fuck should I?"

"What kind of language is that for a professor?"

"Ex-professor."

Sirius kissed him this time, soft, smooth and almost romantic compared to the hungry heat of their first kiss. It was short, Sirius pulled away just at the moment that he knew would leave Remus wanting a bit more. This was how he operated, Remus remembered, he was a notorious tease and needed lots and lots of positive feedback. But when he committed, wow did he commit.

Sirius smiled, "We should probably go downstairs."

Remus sighed, "I suppose we should. Don't want to give that little punk any ideas."

"I mean I think he already has the gist."

Remus rolled his eyes, but they trooped down to the kitchen where Kreacher was making Harry a huge pile of scrambled eggs and bacon. To his credit, Harry didn't say anything more about nearly catching Sirius and Remus lip-locked on the landing, instead he merely gave them both a knowing look before launching into an idea to apparatus out to the countryside to play one-on-one quidditch with Sirius.

"Or we could go two-on-one?" He asked, looking at Remus.

"You and Remus against me?" Sirius clarified.

"Don't be ridiculous. I can take the both of you easy." Harry laughed and Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?"

Remus knew where this was going and wanted to avoid an argument, "I think I'll just come watch. I've got some reading to do anyway."

So an hour later the three of them apparated far enough outside London that they could set up some wards in a field to disguise their game from the muggles. They chose the back of an open field, dotted with rocks and a few flat boulders for Remus to sit on and with just enough trees on the edge to make Remus feel less like they were going to get caught. At the north end of the field was a tiny stream that was iced over, and near it was a large boulder on which Remus cuddled under a warm blanket to read. Sirius and Harry set some makeshift hoops up and Harry flew circles around Sirius for several chilly hours. Sirius, to his credit, did much better than Remus expected considering he probably hadn't been on a broom in ages.

They had lunch in the field, after which Sirius changed into Padfoot to startle and chased a couple of rabbits, barking madly and tripping over his own feet in the process. Remus and Harry watched him ambling around, periodically yelling to him about which direction the rabbits had gone when he lost them.

Harry was leaning back on his arms, face turned towards the winter sun. Sirius came back to the rock and curled up, as Padfoot, with his head on Remus' lap. Remus ran his hands through the silky black fur almost absentmindedly, scratching him behind the ears. They sat in happy silence for a bit, and just when it was starting to get a bit too cold, even in their thick coats, Harry broke the silence.

"So, the Marauders, which by the way guys is a stupid name, you all became animagi when you were what, sixteen?"

"Fifteen, wasn't it Padfoot?"

Sirius had stood up and walked opposite them before turning back into his human self and taking a seat, "Yup, we started attempting it in fourth year but it took a little while, I think we could all transform by midway through fifth."

"How do you do it?" Harry asked eagerly.

"It's a fucking process, let me tell you. There's all this weird meditation and visualization, complex stages of spellwork, and then there's the month that you have to keep a Mandrake leaf in your mouth."

Remus laughed, "You should have seen them Harry, they of course didn't time it so that they'd be doing the Mandrake bit over break, instead they had to cook up this crazy vow of silence. It was honestly the quietest month we ever spent at Hogwarts."

"McGonagall was so pleased after she stopped trying to figure out what we were protesting."

"Yeah and when James started speaking again you could see the depression set in once again." Remus laughed.

"I wonder what kind of animal I'd be."

Sirius looked at him, his head cocked a bit to the side, doglike, "I think a lot of the time people have animagus forms that are the same as their Patronus, so you might be a stag like James."

Remus cut in, "But not always. There are lots of examples where there was a deviation in forms between the two."

Harry beamed, "It would be nice to know."

Remus had a feeling he knew where this was going, and it was starting to make him a bit nervous.

"Would you teach me Sirius?" Harry asked, staring excitedly into his godfather's face.

Remus knew it. He had known ever since the first night that Harry came home for the holidays. Every time that Sirius turned into Padfoot, Harry's eyes would light up. He had wanted to know about all their adventures at Hogwarts but especially those ones that featured them turning into animals. The way Sirius talked about it, being a dog gave him a sense of freedom that he didn't get anywhere else, it quieted the human tendencies to worry, to be stressed or sad about abstract things, it was a mental and emotional release. Of course, transforming into an animal was a decidedly different prospect for Remus. Sure he loved running with Sirius on the nights of the full moon, but he would still give anything not to have to. The problem was, if he knew Sirius at all, he was going to jump at the idea.

"You really want to learn pup?"

"Yeah, I mean why the hell not?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, "Are you sure that's a good idea Sirius?" his voice very clearly indicated that he did not, in fact, think it was a good idea.

Sirius brushed this off, "Of course! He's talented he'll figure it out quick with me guiding him."

"I have no doubt he'd be capable-"

"So what's the problem? Can you imagine we could all run the full moon together in the summers."

This was the problem.

"Sirius," there was warning in his tone this time, "you should think this over."

Harry glanced from Remus to Sirius and back as if he were watching a tennis match.

"I am thinking it over. And I think it would be brilliant Moons. I don't know why this is an issue."

"Because he's too young-"

"The same age as Prongs and I were-"

"And the two of you were idiots back then if you remember, Padfoot."

"I don't remember you complaining, especially because we did it for you to begin with."

This stung and Remus looked down at his hands for a moment to gather himself. His eyes followed a thin white scar that becan where his pinky joined his hand and wrapped around his wrist near his pulse point. He rubbed it absentmindedly with his other hand, feeling the bumps and ridges of torn and repaired skin.

"Perhaps," he said with an air of forced calm, "it's time to go back to the house. It's getting cold."

"You can say that again," Harry said, but Sirius shot him a look and he didn't say anything else until they had apparated back to Grimmauld Place. Harry scampered up to his room with some vague words about a book that he wanted to get to which must have been a complete lie, but it was all for the best because when Remus entered the kitchen after Sirius, Sirius rounded on him. Remus had seen that hard look in Sirius' eyes before, the grey turning to steel. When he was angry was when you saw the stuck-up posh boy come out of Sirius. He tilted his head slightly back, emphasizing those aristocratic cheekbones, and flexed his jaw and shoulders. Remus hated it, it not only meant that he was in for a fight, it was a reminder of the life that Sirius had, the life that that Remus never even dreamed of.

"So tell me why the fuck you're so bent out of shape about making him a Marauder? It's his birthright!"

"Oh now we're making him a Marauder?" Remus spat, "Christ Sirius he's fourteen."

"So what?"

"So even if he turns out to be a stag he's not going to be James, you can't put that kind of monumental expectation on a kid."

"Who said I was expecting anything?"

"You want to have adventures like the old days, I get it Sirius, I really do but-"

"Do you really get it Moony? Because freedom might mean something fucking different to me than to you."

"You could get him in a load of trouble, with the Ministry Sirius! And in case you forgot," Remus' voice was rising, "the fact that you and Peter weren't registered got you into a fair bit of trouble until recently! The Ministry never knew they were looking for a-"

"And the fact that I wasn't registered is the whole fucking reason I could get out of Azkaban too, otherwise you all would have let me bloody rot there."

The words hit Remus like a whip. He couldn't believe Sirius was trying to throw Azkaban in his face, like he should have known, like Remus had some information that he just never acted on. Like he wanted Sirius to be stuck in that hellhole for years. Remus narrowed his eyes, "Don't talk to me like that Sirius."

"I'll talk to you however the fuck I want."

"I didn't put you there."

"You were pretty fucking quick to believe that I killed James fucking Potter, Lupin." These words exited Sirius like they were poison being drawn from a wound. He almost whispered them, and each one was full of as much venom as could be squeezed into each syllable.

Remus took a step back. "What the fuck was I supposed to think, Black?"

"You should have had some faith in me!"

"How dare you."

"Well you should have."

"How dare you fucking say something like that to me. You fucking asshole. You have no idea what I went through when you didn't come back, when I found out! What the fuck were you doing chasing down Peter Pettigrew by yourself?!"

"I wanted to kill the little fuck who had killed my brother."

"You didn't stop to think for one fucking second that maybe that was a bad idea? No, fucking Sirius Black can take anyone on single-handedly. You never thought maybe you should come home and tell me what the fuck was going on?!"

"Don't come at me like you know what the hell was going on Lupin. Don't fucking even think it."

"I was waiting for you! I waited for hours!"

"Oh and a few hours of torment really compares-"

"Shut the FUCK up Sirius! For once in your fucking life you shut your fucking mouth and listen to me!"

This actually had the desired effect. Sirius looked momentarily thrown off balance by the force of Remus' yelling, and Remus took the opportunity to let it all spill out.

"A few hours?! Fuck you. I had to hear about James and Lily from a fucking MINISTRY EMPLOYEE WHO CAME TO TELL ME YOU'D KILLED THEM! You...should have come home to me you fucking shit...you should have been the one to tell me. You left me Sirius. You left me fucking alone. For years." Tears were streaming down his face at this point and his voice cracked from the strain of screaming. But Sirius wasn't ready to back down either. They had opened this chasm between them - now they were falling down into the broken abyss of rock and stale air and they had not yet neared the bottom.

"You didn't have to fucking see them Remus. You didn't hold James' fucking burned body in your hands. You didn't smell the fucking singed hair and the stench of Dark Magic. You have no idea…" Sirius was crying too, "you have no idea what it was like to step into that miserable house. So don't you yell at me about reasonable decisions, I was out of my mind! You have no idea what that kind of hell is like. I do, I've been fucking living it over and over for years."

"But I could have helped you! You should have come home Sirius. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have to hate the person you love most in the whole damn world? It ripped my fucking heart out every day. I felt like I was dying, no worse than that!"

"You know what, fuck you Remus. You should have stood up for me. You looked me in the bloody eyes at the trial and walked away while I BEGGED. How could you think I did it?"

"How could I NOT?! You didn't tell me anything! We were barely speaking for months before that! If you'd just come HOME, if you'd just EXPLAINED. You should have trusted me! How could you be so fucking reckless with the other fucking people that needed you?! You had me! You had Harry!"

"Don't bring him into this shit!"

"And why not?"

"Because where the hell have you been for him the last thirteen years? Huh? Do you have ANY FUCKING idea the way those Muggles treated him?"

"I don't-"

"No! You don't. Because you never even fucking bothered to check on James' SON. They were abusing him, keeping him locked up in a cupboard, barely feeding him, hitting him, forcing him to do all their housework, letting their kid kick the crap out of him."

"What was I supposed to do Sirius, I didn't have a job-"

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING. Fucking anything Remus. James trusted you!"

Remus said nothing. They were both breathing heavy from screaming at one another, and Sirius was gripping the kitchen table so hard that his hands looked like they might bruise. Remus was crying so hard that his vision was swimming, and all the strength seemed to have gone out of

"Fuck you Sirius. You left. You fucking left."

"Yeah for a fucking reason. I did something. What the fuck did you do, Remus?"

"I survived without you. And I can do it again."

With that, Remus turned and walked out of the kitchen. He was wrong to come in the first place, there was too much hatred to patch over with a photo and a leather jacket. And Sirius would never understand.

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