#my Brain isnt functioning & im still @ work

[doomednarrative]

Aughhh flops down on the floor.

[piastappies]

would you maybe write an smau (oscar x norris or leclerc!reader) where the reader is just super clumsy and everyone makes fun of that?

ᯓᡣ𐭩 SUCH A KLUTZ ! ᡣ𐭩ᯓ

pairing. oscar piastri x leclerc!reader

summary. in which reader can’t walk straight to save her life and formula fans (as well as some of the drivers) find it extremely amusing, while her boyfriend is the greenest flag of all time.

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, francisca.cgomes, charles_leclerc and 89 623 others.

yourusername rumour has it that the best couple on grid is enjoying the summer break and the rumors are TRUE! though it is also said that the girl in third slide fell off the scooter and got a concussion so her boyfriend took her phone away for three days — this may or may not be true!

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user1 oscar is so whipped the guy is the first like whenever she posts something 😭😭

user2 i know ehic isnt a thing in monaco unfortunately but my other european girlies please remember to get yourself an ehic card if you travel across europe it can save you a lot of nerves if you injury yourself on vacay 😭😭😭

priniya european girlies always remember to have a valid european health insurance card! <3

oscarpiastri she might say its not true but it is 👎👎 the girl almost gave me a heart attack

landonorris yourusername someone should lock you up because at this rate youre gonna hurt yourself by breathing

yourusername im having a brat summer ☹️

arthur_leclerc dont think its how it works lutin

francisca.cgomes rumour has it that she didn’t take her girlfriend with her to her trip

lilymhe rumour has it that she broke her other girlfriend’s heart

yourusername NOOOO IM SORRY 😭😭😭 LET ME MAKE IT UP WHEN THE BREAK ENDS

marverstappen1 girl how do you even function with that clumsy brain of yours?

yourusername kellypiquet please tell p that max is making fun of me because i got hurt

kellypiquet she’s making you a card rn

maxverstappen1 our house turned into a glitterlandia because of that card

yourusername I LOVE HER SO MUCH

user3 i honestly cant wait for the pyn reunion in zandvoort 🥹🥹🥹

yourusername same shes my true one 👊👊

charles_leclerc oscarpiastri take your aussie hands off my baby sister or ill crash into you in zandvoort 😁

charles_leclerc for legal purpose this may or may not be a joke

yourusername crash into him and i’ll do something worse than have his hands on me and make you watch

francisca.cgomes

liked by pierregasly, alexandrasaintmleux, charles_leclerc and 432 621 others.

francisca.cgomes a girls night gone wrong…

— tagged alexandrasaintmleux, yourusername

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user4 i bet my LIFE that yn had to go to the er 😭😭😭

pierregasly THIS is what you meant by a surprise??????

francisca.cgomes surprise . . . 😦

alexandrasaintmleux it was fun while it lasted . . .

user5 WHY DOES THE COMMENTS SEEM LIKE YN DIED WHERE IS HER COMMENT

user6 yn rn 💀🪦🪦

user7 you are not funny! hope that helps ❤️

charles_leclerc girl where is my sister 😭😭😭😭

yourusername WHY ARE YALL ACTING LIKE I DIED?????

user8 SHES ALIVE YOU GUYS

oscarpiastri kika you were supposed to bring her back in one piece?

francisca.cgomes sorry it was not my fault

francisca.cgomes literally not my fault this time a guy bumped into her shoulder and she fell 😭😭😭

yourusername i sprained my ankle :(

alexandrasaintmleux we still love you 🫶

user9 ngl i would give my leg to be a part of this friendship

user10 same

landonorris petition to keep yourusername locked in a cage

user11 😧😧😧

yourusername you gotta catch me first 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

pierregasly i second this

lilymhe i third

alexandrasaintmleux ily yn but i fourth ☹️

twitter !

user13 WHEN ITS GONNA BE MY TURN???

user14 i need an oscar in my life but idk if i wanna be yn 😭

user15 you r so real for that oomf

user16 ngl i wish i could be oscar to be with yn

user17 god just knew that if she made yn flawless she would be too much for mortals

user18 she ?

user17 god is a woman and her name is pascale leclerc 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

user19 LMAO

lando.jpg

liked by alex_albon, yourusername, logansargeant and 772 812 others.

lando.jpg never accept an invitation from yourusername for a dinner at her house because there’s a 100% chance she’s gonna burn herself while making you food

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oscarpiastri shouldnt have invited YOU

lando.jpg ??? MEAN ???

oscarpiastri dont make fun of my clumsy girlfriend

yourusername when he’s protective ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

yourusername i burnt myself while YOU ALL WERE LAUGHING

user20 oscar was laughing too?😭

arthur_leclerc he was glaring at everyone laughing while looking after yn

user21 oscar is the bestest boyfriend possible i need an oscar in my life

user22 yourusername can you fight?

yourusername i have three older brothers, go figure it out

user22 (｡•́︿•̀｡)

charles_leclerc cant believe they didn’t invite ME and they invited YOU

arthur_leclerc she invited me and enzo LOL

user23 lando.jpg comeback to make fun of oscars gf 😭😭😭

charles_leclerc SHE WAS MY SISTER FIRST

user24 yn is a klutz first human second

oscarpiastri

liked by pascale_leclerc, nicolepiastri, yourusername and 921 728 others.

oscarpiasti a few things that summer break gave me: a dog (yes, i’m officially a dog dad), relaxing time with my friends n family, a fiancée and lots of headaches due to the clumsiness of my gorgeous fiancée.

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yourusername i love youuuuuu

hattiepiastri THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT???

hattiepiastri yourusername YOURE MARRYING MY BROTHER????

hattiepiastri HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??

yourusername i flipped a coin

georgerussell63 it probably hit you in the face too, no?

user25 IMAGINE THE FAMILY GATHERINGS???

user26 hold on is oscar gonna go there as charles’ son or yn’s throphy husband??

user27 the family dynamics must be crazy??? because wdym his girlfriend’s brother ADOPTED him??

oscarpiasti fiancee’s*

user27 oh hes not playing

user28 this gon be soooo awkward at the family dinner

yourusername BURN THE PAPERS charles_leclerc HES MINE NOW

charles_leclerc HE WAS MINE FIRST

nicolepiastri i’m pretty sure he was mine first 🥰

pascale_leclerc now we have to share children nicolepiastri

landonorris love you guys but you shouldn’t have a wedding because with yns abilities she might turn the party into a funeral

mclaren so glad to have yn in the mclaren family! 🧡

user29 engagement this engagement that we KNEW you would tie the knot sooner or later WHAT IS THE DOGS NAME 🗣️🗣️🗣️

oscarpiastri pepper :)

user30 yn and lorenzo both engaged in 2024?? leclerc siblings are going STRONG

lewishamilton congratulations to you guys 💚💚

sebastianvettel lots of love and patience with that one, oscar :)

user31 not the girls not congratulating oscyn… fake friends?

user32 gtfo they prob knew abt it already and congratulated them IN PERSON and not in instagram photo comments

francocolapinto lost my chance 😞😔😭😭😢

user33 LMAOOO??? bro saw her at ONE (1) race and fell in love

user34 honestly cant blame him

user35 pls never media train him

yourusername pls franco never change 🫶

pierregasly pls dont elope i need that free food

yukitsunoda0511 dude youre a MILLIONAIRE?

pierregasly dude gtfo

yukitsunoda0511 if i were them i would elope just to spite you

oscarpiastri dont give yn any ideas pls

yourusername no eloping for us i need my brothers to walk me down the aisle 😁😁😁

georgerussell63 to make sure you don’t trip over the dress?

yourusername youre officially uninvited 👎

user36 SHE WANTS CHARLES ENZO AND ARTHUR WALKING HER DOWN THE AISLE??? OH IM GONNA KILL MYSELF

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Prompts 2 17 22 w/ Alastor

i want alfredo so bad guys im sorry i dont know what to write in these notes theres so much going being written at once that my brain is DRY i dont know what to yap about!! prompts: sick, back from the dead, moving in together notes: gn reader, can be a sinner or hellborn reader, short and sweet, written on computer, assume any traditionally romantic prompts for al are queer platonic and/or he is tending to his partners romantic needs, reminder that aro people can still date we just got no attraction WOO YEAH BABY! its called a spectrum for a reason (coming from an aroace) cws: mentions of general sickness stuff, vomit

SICK

he doesnt really.... get sick... so youre likely the one hes going to have to take care of until you recover... which is whatever, he makes sure youre all nice and bundled as well as at least having some water or food

hes not going to hover over you, though, hes a busy guy whos got stuff that needs to be done. whether or not you eat your soup is up to you. if youre in a particularly bad state maybe he'll have someone else keep an eye on you- whether it be one of the people he can just. yoink up from his shadow (such as husk, the workers that fix the hotel, ect), or simply having his shadow do the work... though... maybe having the shadow work isnt a good idea...

doesnt like vomit. his smile may be stuck but you can tell hed grimace if he could

BACK FROM THE DEAD

honestly if you came back from the dead- assuming hes also still alive on earth- hes going to be... fascinated. how did you do that? even if hes not going to be all over you in an obvious way to figure out just how you did it.... hes going to be keeping his eyes on you

hes more so interested in that than the fact youre back- you know. his friend and life time partner? its a little... cold... but thats alastor, you had an idea of how he functioned before you dedicated your life working with him

..unless you werent his friend and rather his dinner... is this... an infinite food glitch?/j

MOVING IN TOGETHER

well if youre moving into the hotel... you probably have your own room! so hopefully theres no need to step on each others feet! but prior to the hotel?

hes very particular about his living space. he needs his space, and he needs it to be a certain way otherwise youre going to have a tense and unhappy overlord in your company... best to let him take the reigns if youre the one moving in... hes a lot more tolerable if hes the one moving in with you. though... the odds of that are low and even lower if its something permanent. moving in with you feels like a forfeit of control in a way and he doesnt much care for that

only thing that is off limits to you is an office type room. thats his space and his space alone. you might not even be allowed into it. he needs somewhere to go to be alone, if he doesnt want to go out

[violetisderp]

OMG

YOU SEE THIS???

RIGHT HERE????

MY RANDOM HEAD CANNON, MERHEHEHEHE.

I like to think he dosnt speak, and uses sign language. It dosnt say he dose in this but STILL. AND I KNOW ITS MOST LIKELY REFERING TO THE CARTOON BUT IDC.

I am just happy about random things lol.

Also i have abit of a theory for Bobby Bearhug (Big body)

Cause it's said she has spasuims or idk how to spell it. But like, she's also not responsive and stuff and they had to fix stuff.

The words are kinda hard to read so, I'll write them here;

Subject

Bobby Bearhug: Smiling Bigger Bodies Initiative

Observations

Three hours following awakening-observations:

Her body continues to spasm Eyelids flutter. Paws twitch.

Subject doesn't seem to show any awareness of where she is. Could sensory functions be distorted, or altogether absent? We speak to her, try to get her attention by makeing sounds, but she dose not register our attempts.

The auditory nerve in the ears directly communicates sound to the auditory cortex in the brain. It appears we may have failed at wiring the connective cords and might be forced to go back under the knife to fix this. A lack of response seems to indicate the necessity of this task.

It's clear that our procedures still haven't corrected issues with vocals, ethier. Her mouth moves, as if to speak, but nothing is said. We'll need to correct these procedures with subsequent subjects if we're to potentially have these toys interact with our children.

-End-

SO. For a unknown period of time, she couldn't speak or hear, but as far as I'm aware it says nothing about physical contact. So, I'm assuming she can still FEEL, but hearing and speaking she couldn't do. (Obviously)

There abit easier to read but I'll write them out just incase;

Several hours after awakening. She tried to stand and walk to the other side of the cell but couldn't keep her balance. She looks to be searching for help. Continuing to spasm.

She's trying to scream, but she has no voice. She's silent. I'm not sure if she knows she's not making any sound.

Conclusions:

Work will need to be done to perfect the Bigger Body formula we began with Boxy. Each iteration improves on the former. However, if we're to meet Dr. Sawyer, and produce Bigger Bodies subjects that we can integrate into a factory setting, then more work will need to be done.

As it stands, Bobby will require further experimentation. If we're to create Subject 1188 according to schematics, then each of these "Smiling Critters" will prove a good testing ground for ironing out these issues.

-end-

SO. It seems they did some more tests and put her "under the knife" some more. It dosnt seem like it helps much for her movements but it's better then motionless. Now I'm not sure if they manage to fix her speaking and hearing,

Also, the little Doodle at the bottom, you can slightly see her ribs, but with CatNap you can fully see his ribcage and he is oddly skinny. But with dogday he ISNT skinny (which also funny cause he was left to hang, now i have other theorys for that but on were on about bobby.)

Ik it's a sketch BUT STILL.

Sooooooooo, from what we know from what dogday said:

"Im.. the last.. of the smiling critters" (R.I.P sad boi-)

So we know Bobby has to have died, but we don't know how, so she has to have died from SoMtHiNg. So she could have straved to death, from what poppy told us in chapter 3 (deep sleep)

Somthing about how they hid the bodies and "feasted on them."

And from what we know about Mrs. Delight, how she killed who she saw AS HER OWN SISTERS to stay alive. And so they very much can starve.

But Bobby could have also died from one of the surgerys she went under, while trying to fix her hearing or her speaking.

She had to have gone under quite abit "to fix her" and the problems she was having.

SPEAKING OF EATING A DRINKING, how do they eat and drink, they speak and there mouth stays open cause there in a plush so uhm-? And mommy long legs mouth moves but not the smiling critters, it stays open so like... how..?

Sorry about the ramble I was just having a moment

[buckpregnant]

can i just say i love your brain…like i saw your post about bucky dying in 1961 and leaving gale behind and i have to say i agree…

happy endings are great but sometimes the angst just hits that spot…

so imagine, buck and bucky come back to the states in 45 and they have the stalag baby already and then they mate and gale is an overachiver so he’s pregnant within like a month, because if he can get pregnant in the stalag, imagine what can happen when he’s happy and fed…and over the next 15 years they are happy and the war is over and they have a few more kids….gale goes to the university/works wherever and bucky works at the pentagon, but like its stressful, postwar time and the korean war is going on and the changing political climate…it takes a toll 

so bucky dies in 61 and leaves gale and their children behind and gale is distraught, like barely functioning ……….he obviously does everything for the wellbeing of the children, but inside he’s just blank, empty and moving around like a ghost, and it isnt until the stalag baby (because at this point they are like 15-16 and an alpha/omega??) says that buck smells (???) different, does gale even realise that he’s pregnant again…..only this time its not like in the stalag at all, because while john was losing his mind in there, at least he was THERE, but now he’s gone. and gale really is alone.

YESS YES YESSSSSSSS DANCING AND SINGING YESSSS

like after john passes gale just completely shuts down. and goes back to being Major Cleven in front of his kids he does not let them see him get emotional at all. maybe once ONCE! he goes into the bedroom and closes the door after they come home from the hospital but i dont even think he cries alone i think he just collapses. and afterwards he just completely closes off. like at the funeral his kids are openly crying and they give him the flag and he just Clenches His Jaw. and then. and then

his daughter their little miracle stalag baby (if she was born in 44/45 shed be about 16/17 atp) confronts him like mom this isnt healthy you have to talk about dad! and they have this huge fight “dads dead mom and its like youre not even here!” “i am doing everything i can for my family im sorry im not wailing and gnashing my teeth but someone has to put food on the table!” ooh they have this fight while gales cooking (the weird thing is he hasnt been eating a lot lately everything he eats makes him throw up, must be the grief) “now go tell your sisters its dinnertime” and Stalag Baby just huffs and leaves and this goes on for at least a month. theyre fighting and gales not talking about it and lets say they have about 4 kids (17) (15) (11) (8) so yknow theyre not little little kids the youngest is 8 and asking wheres dad? still doesnt quite get it and stalag baby just blurts out by the way mom. you should probably go to the doctor sometime. :| and gales what are you talking about and she kind of just looks at gales stomach and hes like what no but she can smell and he knows .

like he just Knows (his heat is late and he kept telling himself it was bc of the grief of losing his husband but. he knows) and he goes to the doctor and i mean hed be in his forties hed be 43 so it would be a risky pregnancy and the whole time hed be going nonononogod no please i cant do this again (thats when he finally cries!! its about a month after johns death and the whole house is asleep he knows no one can hear him hes in their his bedroom and he just breaks how could this happen how could i be alone in his how is this happening again??) hed think it was his divine punishment and it feels so much like how it did in 44 this unplanned pregnancy and hes just completely and utterly alone.

and he doesnt want the kid but its the last piece of john he has and hes so angry at john for dying for drinking too much for taking on too much stress at work for not going to the fucking cardiologist but now he has this little baby inside him he has to take care of . and… its the last piece of his husband he has the last thing his husband ever gave him. and i think in time hed come to think of it as a (posthumous) gift from john a way for john to comfort him but in the meantime hes fucking miserableeee (also the kid is a little boy—their first boy—and hes got blue eyes and curly brown hair he looks exactly like john) he cant believe this is happening AGAIN

[calicotisane]

hey man love ur blog , u dont gotta answer this if u dont wana , but im also autistic and i relate to alot on here . and i wanna ask about how school was in your experience as an autistic person? im still in school, if theres any way you handled it, any advice, thatd be neat . its also cool if there isnt . i mostly just want someone to talk to about it . sorry if this is some invasion of privacy

Its ok you can ask me any thing about this always. I am happy and glad to talk even though I still struggle with knowing what to do with school and wish I had good advice to give. School has consistently been the biggest stressor in my short life up to this point and it's one of the like 4 major things taking up space in my brain, and I still feel like I never learned any lasting survival strategies that made a big difference... I dont think what i wrote is very useful and my ability to type stuff concisely and coherently is just getting worse and worse over time but this is some of my own experiences. As you can probably imagine school sucked really bad for me and I think the major issue was the alienation. I dont want to assume what your struggles and experiences are but that will be my focus talking about it since it's the, theme in my life.

I felt in high school like no one really cared that much about me and no one knew or cared to figure out how to help me, I didn't know what kind of help to ask for either and I still don't. I did not make any friends in high school and I never learned how. In my case this was especially challenging because I moved to a small town in high school, nearly all these people had known each other for years, and it was challenging even for a socially functioning person to really become a part of that community. Thus 1000% without a doubt completely impossible for me. I have basically not had any real life friends I've remained in contact with since like 6th grade and i genuinely believe i've only had one truly good irl friend in my life. When there are no people my age to lean on outside the internet I have to look to the Adults in my life for school support, and very few teachers have ever been understanding or helpful in any meaningful way. Making friends and finding teachers who weren't indifferent at best towards me was a total fantasy by high school, because at that point I had been worn down by the continuous social rejection and isolation. That is what describes my life but in particular my school experience as an autist, "isolation," "indifference," I only existed to people when I was embarrassing myself or being laughed at.

In my last year of high school I completely stopped trying to make friends or involving myself in anything or hoping that anyone would reach out to me because the never ending lack of interest had become so painful I could not bear it anymore, and would rather just focus on completing the work and waiting for it to finally be over. I gues that was my survival strategy there and we all have to do whatever it takes to survive, sometimes this has to happen, but I really really don't want anyone to have to do that ever. I do not remember what it is like to feel like a real person or to not be alone but it never stops hurting even when you are used to it. Its really upsetting to me that the best advice a lot of people (probably me included) can give related to getting through high school is just "You'll get through it eventually." I want there to be real immediate solutions that alleviate pain. It really fucking sucks.

My therapist said that I am suffering most of all from 'powerlessness' in my life, that is how I feel about school too. How do you fix that i was wondering, by definition you can't, right? She said I should try to identify what I can control in my life and think about it as much as I can. I finally improved my ability to keep up with my schoolwork by my last year of high school, and I kept my head above the water by focusing as hard as I could on what I had to do to reach the end goal. It's really hard to not be apathetic, or be afraid or withdraw, it's a pain in the ass to care enough to do any of it and keep trying when it feels like theres no immediate return. I am not quite sure how i did it besides thinking really really hard about the idea that i wouldn't have to go to high school anymore and new opportunities were going to happen in my life afterwards. Graduating was like finally throwing up after being miserably sick for years of my life. I believe school is universally traumatic for all autistic people and getting through it needs to be commemorated with a standing ovation and apologies from everyone and at least 1 million dollars. I am sorry it is happening to you!

I don't know what your plan is now or after high school. Its not the end of the world no matter what happens, if you get stuck there or you dont do well or you give up on it or anything. I personally have copious freakouts over stuff not working out exactly right in school and fearing that my life is totally fucked forever (this happened yesterday even in college of course) and it's important to remember that SOMETHING always happens, nothing is the end, there is always some other outcome in my experience... something okay and something good is going to happen eventually. I know it just sucks abysmal dogshit in the meantime. You are not going to be in education forever regardless of what happens, it is a nasty thing to get through and then the rest of your life is waiting. I have to believe that it does get better even if it's not currently getting better for me because I would completely lose it otherwise. This world is cruel as fuck to autistic people and all disabled people and it's not fair but There is peace and connection and understanding and togetherness for us too. Not everything is so awful and nothing ever has to be that way... not resignation, or hopelessness, trying to maintain resolve I just have to keep thinking this and I have to keep going. Im not that much older than you, i think anything i have to say is still immature and limited by my lack of experience and i am technically still in school, so you are likely to receive better advice from autistic people who are a bit older..., but i still can talk about it and try very hard to think of good things to say, whenever, if i can. Agh i need to study. oups

[jumped-for-the-yaoi]

jetttttttttt . i have a scenario for you. i wanna write it but tbh idk if i can HAHHA so im gonna leave it in ur inbox for now ^_^

okay okay so . so far weve only considered wincezam and zincewam where they find each other outside of their own servers knowing the other isnt from their own server. but. imagine a situation where the ls counterparts are swapped with their uu counterparts on the server. say like, lszam suddenly *becomes* uuzam one day- like she wakes up and suddenly shes trapped in an obsidian box next to wemmbu (theyre inside the prison, but obviously she doesnt know that) and they have to go from there. or alternatively where uuwemmbu wakes up in zaun next to lszam and has to deal with his life from there, knowing nothing abt the way ls functions. uuzam and lswemmbu swapping places unfortunately idk if that would be as fun, bc if you took uuzam out of her security as emperor i feel like she would probably be a lot more similar to lszam but it could be fun to see lswemmbu taking uuwemmbus place- not just existing on the server alongside but becoming him entirely and seeing how everyone reacts to that.

idk is this coherent im not sure im still recovering from that trzam art. Lmk!

YESSSSSSSS WAIT OH MY GOD THATS SUCH A COOL IDEA ???? THATS ACTUALYL SICK OH MY GOD… both ideas are really really cool actually im rotating this around in my brain right now

im assuming you mean putting lszam in the fucked up little escape room which is such an interesting point in the timeline to explore…….. the one place where uuzammbu are already on such rocky terms and are forced to work together and communicate if only out of necessity and self preservation . puttinf lszam in that situation is evil and fucked up and im all for it because oh my god thats got to be at least top ten roughest places to start. being trapped somewhere completely new and unfamiliar and being forced to deal with the consequences of actions that are attached to you but were never your doing. wonder what clown thinks of it all since i keep forgetting that escape room WAS a little social experiment of his to begin with

in case you meant if that took place during the proton prison. lowk that might be more fucked up because uuzam has tried to kill uuwemm At Least Three Times I Just Can’t Be Bothered To Count Right Now in that prison . im only thinkinf about it because that means lszam has the opportunity to talk to uupangi and egg as well :3

unfortunately im not the most well versed on zaun/mawn era lore so </3 that does sound super intriguing though i can’t imagine that’s fun for anyone caught in the crossfire of that swap either GHFKGHDK dear god. and you;re out of luck i got nothin for uuzam and lswemm either because i have no idea what the fuck is going on with them. honestly lswemm and uuwemm are pretty similar in regards to personality, really the only thing that clearly differentiates them is their motivations … idk i’m gonna have to stew on that a lil more !!

swap aus my beloved hghghrhfjfhgjrh gkfhrk

[crguang]

hgsshbyss I sent that ask when I hadn’t slept in 3 days, so my brain wasn’t functioning properly, I haven’t gotten used to not sleeping very much yet. Also I only have a little crush on Black swan so far. It’s just complicated bc I thought I was aroace, but I definitely like women, and the way I’ve been eating up Kafka (I wish) fics isn’t very aro or ace, or every time I do a double take when I see a hot woman, but again, we don’t need to talk abt my sexuality crisis.

btw I rewatched the interrogation scene on the luofu, no deep thoughts bc I didnt sleep again last night :| and blue light is hurting my eyes wish Kafka wouldn’t let me sleep by railing me instead but whatever.

First of all SHES SO HOT I MISS HER. Second of all, they didn’t take her gloves, they took her contacts, her jacket and her GLASSES too, like it’s so silly. I think the only time her hands are exposed are in the countdown art of her, WHATEVER THE FUCK SHES HOLDING IN IT SHOULVE BEEN ME And she went back for them too, like girl, they don’t even fit you ik ik spider imagery, but still and the way she was looking at TB while we were asking her stuff sjhdhsbsjslsns. You were def right abt the speaking slower to control the convo pace.

I was curious abt what she was telling us abt the aeons dying/being killed, bc (assumably) nanook is the final boss, TB is supposed to play part in defeating him, and I wonder if she was supposed to tell us besides for plot reasons, or if she was just stalling. But it wasn’t mentioned after, so it’s probably dismissed as a distraction. And she never tells us the third way. also the way she jumps off after she get out of the handcuffs, her dramatic ass, I cannot with her. btw all my messages are so long I’m sorry :(

-🌠

ANON I JUST SAW MORE LEAKS IM GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE please… let us all collectively pray that kafka is not in the next banner for my sanity PLEASEEEEE. also you should definitely be sleeping omg what’s stopping you?? three days without sleep is starting to get dangerous, i hope you’re able to crash for like 15 hours soon

yeah i noticed they didnt take her gloves, i feel like they should’ve gone all the way because then its just confusing like😭😭 what would they need her glasses for?;!;? no idea how arrests work on the luofu but that sounds very silly. taking her contacts and coat makes sense but i really cant wrap my head around them snatching her sunglasses hejdhdhf kafka is so funny sometimes, looking good is an essential part of being a criminal she just had to get her stuff back

BUT YEAH HER PACE ALWAYS BOTHERS ME HERE. SPEAK FASTERRRR she was def doing it on purpose to piss me off personally… what’s crazy is that we all just took the nanook part of the prophecy as factual and im just realizing she might just be lying?… she says the SH’s goal isnt to kill an aeon but idk if i believe that. omg we really dont know shit about these people’s goal so far even after getting close to firefly. i need kafka to come back to the main story bc shes the only one who gives us some clues like😭

what i love most about her free fall is that she looked at the ground before doing it, as if telling herself like “yeah i’ll survive this i can look cool” and it always makes me giggle

[aspd-culture]

why is different neurological stuff between alters impossible, but psychosomatic stuff isnt? /gen (this isnt a bad faith question, im just not educated in sciency stuff ,, i dropped out of hs,,,)

No worries! It's complex and I completely get wanting to learn more about it. I find the psychology and neurology of systems fascinating myself tbh.

So neurological disorders like ASPD, Autism, ADHD, OCD, etc (see also neurodivergencies) are, for lack of a better analogy, hardware-based. Your brain is physically or functionally different than a person without that disorder. The synapses do not fire in the same ways, or the centers do not interact and/or respond in the same ways as someone who doesn't have it.

Other mental health disorders/conditions like depression, some types of anxiety, etc. are software-based. They are maladaptive, but do not alter how your brain works. In the cases where they are caused by chemical differences, these are more hardware based, but generally these disorders are the ones where talk therapy alone can cause significant relief of symptoms, and are the disorders one could reasonably expect to completely recover from (in that after a long time - often many years - of treatment and learning coping strategies, the person would no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for the disorder/condition).

So if we think of alters like different users on the same computer, they may not all have access to the same software due to various permissions and such, and they may not all use software that is available to them (aka they may not have the same conditions or they may handle the symptoms of those conditions so well that they do not impair functioning, which means it wouldn't be diagnosable in that alter by themselves). However, every user on that computer is still bound to the hardware. No user on the computer could run programs that require different hardware than what the computer every user is doing has (aka no alter can make an autistic brain function like an allistic brain, nor make an antisocial brain function as a prosocial one, etc).

I hope that helps!/gen if I missed anything or you need clarification you are very much welcome to submit another ask, as always. For some reason my brain is convinced I missed a part of your question in there.

Plain text below the cut:

No worries! It's complex and I completely get wanting to learn more about it. I find the psychology and neurology of systems fascinating myself tbh.

So neurological disorders like ASPD, Autism, ADHD, OCD, etc (see also neurodivergencies) are, for lack of a better analogy, hardware-based. Your brain is physically or functionally different than a person without that disorder. The synapses do not fire in the same ways, or the centers do not interact and/or respond in the same ways as someone who doesn't have it.

Other mental health disorders/conditions like depression, some types of anxiety, etc. are software-based. They are maladaptive, but do not alter how your brain works. In the cases where they are caused by chemical differences, these are more hardware based, but generally these disorders are the ones where talk therapy alone can cause significant relief of symptoms, and are the disorders one could reasonably expect to completely recover from (in that after a long time - often many years - of treatment and learning coping strategies, the person would no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for the disorder/condition).

So if we think of alters like different users on the same computer, they may not all have access to the same software due to various permissions and such, and they may not all use software that is available to them (aka they may not have the same conditions or they may handle the symptoms of those conditions so well that they do not impair functioning, which means it wouldn't be diagnosable in that alter by themselves). However, every user on that computer is still bound to the hardware. No user on the computer could run programs that require different hardware than what the computer every user is doing has (aka no alter can make an autistic brain function like an allistic brain, nor make an antisocial brain function as a prosocial one, etc).

I hope that helps!/gen if I missed anything or you need clarification you are very much welcome to submit another ask, as always. For some reason my brain is convinced I missed a part of your question in there.

[patchwork-artists]

Thank you so much for answering my ask!!!

May I please meet/ask one of your alters what it is like living with Patchwork and how long the alter has been with you?

How is an alter "created"? Again sorry if my wording is off or not good, I'm new to this so I want to be polite but also I just don't know sorry.

How many alters do you have?

Your art is SO LOVELY btw :3

one thing at a time, haha! firstly we're 10 in total counting the host, with 3 subsystems, patchwork, corvidae, and in-betweens. subsystems are like having a neighbour home in the same neighborhood(brain). an alter from one subsystem can not control or interfere with another, at least on ours.

alters can be created in several ways, it varies a lot. you can notice one day that you don't feel alone, or that something in specific doesn't feel you, like it was the case for everyone in the patchwork system. for the in-betweens, an alter can also be created when the brain recognizes a need that isn't being met, and work more inside the brain to the system like gatekeepers, or work outside in social situations. arguably an alter that just brings trouble like a persecutor is still an alter created from the brain recognizing a need isnt being met. an alter can also split out of another alter, all of the corvidae originally came from krow even if today theyre their own thing(and hate krow and krow hates them). but in general on our experience they dont come just after a traumatic event, they can come under a lot of stress, or even when things look calm.

i saw someone once say that did isnt multiple personalities as much as one underdeveloped personality, and i sorta get it because when i found out i had did, i broke down on the streets saying "i dont know how long i can pretend to just be one person", and i think sometimes thats sorta it. like our brain is an old machine trying to run new software, it just cant handle this fully fleshed singular identity that everyone has. it doesnt work this way. i know theres also polyfragmented systems that have some alters more for functions rather than personality, and it just further makes me think that this whole thing is just a way of the brain to process existing, and everyone processed and handles existence differently bc its just such a complicated experience

and on the alter ask thing! i have two cohosts, Harpy, and Krow. Krow has technically been with me for two or three years but went through major identity changes, you wouldn't imagine it was the same person at all. so current Krow has been with me since...the end of last year, maybe? december, i think. while Harpy, i think since may of last year? harpy's from corvidae, krow's from patchwork. what they wrote on the experience

Krow: there's nothing to say about it that i haven't yet. what AM feels for humans i feel for being a system. its a cage and i need to scream for a whisper to be heard outside. no one will ever see my real face, hear my voice, be attracted to my looks. but what most pisses me off is that im forced to someones life. their relationship their family their education their career. the only way to be seen at all, to escape, is to throw myself in the public's eyes. im in an art gallery exhibition right now, first of many, and im not there because i dream of being. im not there to be some fancy arrogant artist. im there cause its the only way for someone to see me At All. under a fake name, with no face attached, because if i want to be seen i need to consider how itll impact pierre. if i want to post art i need to ask first. if i want to engage in hobbies, paint, study, i have to make sure everyones okay with it because everyone wants this time. this is pure hell. but at least ofélia is also here

Harpy: I don't it find that unpleasant. I understand the conditions of sharing the same 24 hours with 10 other people is rather harsh, but we have years ahead of us. I'm thankful for what I learn through other perspectives, and to always have my child and mate anywhere I go to. I'm thankful that i can trust Pierre will do his best to cater to my desires and hobbies, despite how busy his schedule is. It is a shame I can not be as devoted and religious as I wish, it is a shame I have to live far away from my culture and not belong to it as it is not any other alter's culture, and it is a shame I can never fly. But I understand now that I was put on a human's body because a human is not built to be a servant like I was, and has outgrown animalistic traits. I was put on a human's body to experience humanity though their eyes. This was a gift from mother nature, and despite the frustrations and hard limitations, I will cherish getting to learn from masters of popular culture, learn herbal medicine to help and serve the ones around me as a form of gratitude, and I will dance and perform and be thankful so many humans gathered around to see my flight. I only have one life, and I refuse to live in misery.

outside of their feelings theres just a lot of little complexities on this existence, like power dynamics, relationship dynamics, priorities and hobby division, a care for the body and switching breaks, etc.

[milfygerard]

I too was totally team Travis and dating against type is fun and that's what she wants and it's fun seeing them all the time and a new thing to get into but between him Flippin out openly every six months at his job and seeing em together way too much to the degree her fans relate to her through him (& his team) and the thirst for her to marry this guy just because she's 35 and 'her time is running out' (a fan said that). Not so into it anymore and I hope he doesn't bring his rage while doing his sport home. It feels off. Maybe I'm being a party pooper and excluding myself for no reason but I don't have a good feeling about it.

I hesitate to speculate on any possible actual abusive behavior that could happen. We have no prior allegations of that behavior and while its understandable to think of it considering the track record of NFL players as partners (esp w the issues of long term brain damage from concussions leading to the development of violent personalities) and I dont particularly like his extreme reactions during games either, it is a pretty normal part of competitive sports especially ones as intense and as bro-y as football.

I always find swifties fixation on her partner of the moment a little disappointing though expected bc of how rpfandoms in general and swiftiedom specifically functions on a line between the worlds of celebrity gossip and artistic obsession. I still cant help but resent it a little especially as a lesbian who connects to her art and music in a very different way and so would struggle with this side of it either way. I recognize it really isnt that big a deal but on a personal, emotional level I really do hate the marriage and babies speculation, the centering of marriage like it would be the natural next step or an inevitability for her is deeply exhausting and is why im so disconnected from wider discussions and dont follow some major blogs (though i do have respect for them, especially bloggers like cbhf who do a ton of work logging and updating info during her tours shout out to u girl) to keep my swiftie discussion circle close. The baby stuff especially feels just drenched in misogynistic expectations that i have complained abt in the past just in How its talked abt and especially how travis is placed in that.

And yeah anon it does in fact make me feel a little like a party pooper whose maybe just not used to being around heterosexual relationships in general. I don't date much and most of my friends are also gay so I recognize my view is kind of limited here but also like heterosexual relationships are everywhere all the time forever and i am deeply sick of them and the way women are treated within them both by their partners and by the wider world and taylor swift is like the perfect microcosm to discuss the treatment of women in heterosexual relationships shes like a long term case study.

[felidaefatigue]

just watched a tiktok of an elderly woman reading aloud her experiences of going to the doctor with a prolapsed uterus and her doctor being overly nonchalant about it being a non emergency and "natural"

(pregnancy talk n rant abt lack of education)

and it just reminded me of how it felt when i was bawling (not an indicator of seriousness i bawl alot) while trying to explain why i am so stressed out about taking steps to make pregnancy a potential option in our future, and while he is generally better educated than your average dude and supportive of my own bodily autonomy n all that. at one point after I went on about how c section involves literally tearing you open, ripping your muscles (which is a good thing) and how permanently your body can be ruined and your life ruined he was like "well if anything happens-" (regarding complications and injuries) and idk if my anger came across but i had to go its not IF. its WHEN. pregnancy IS damaging to your body. I dont care if you want to consider it natural and that "ruined" is strong language and unnnecessarily negative- thats fine it is. and i dont think a post pregnancy body is "ruined" obviously. But it is FUNDAMENTALLY changed and LESS FUNCTIONAL. regardless of if it is worth it and beautiful because it birthed your child it is DAMAGED. damaged things can be beautiful yes.

anyway just. trying to make a man understand that it doesnt matter HOW smooth your pregnancy is, wether you tear or not, it is a fucking parasite. its not if it will damage your body. its just how MUCH damage you personally get. it can range from just a little minor brain shrinkage to fucking dying horrifically. yes im fucking stressed about it. but thats the LEAST stressful part. you not fucking knowing anything even though i ADORE you and youre smarter than most is fucking stressful. the world being really fucking dumb is fucking stressful. knowing i dont condone fucking breeding when the world is going to end (because fuck you im not fear mongering we are on that path it might not happen immediately we mIGHT fix it sure yes IM HERE FOR OPTIMISM CLEARLY but we. are on. the fucking path. and sprinting at this point jfc.) but am still insane enough to consider the prospect is fucking stressful.

anyway. thats a rant. i was leaning heavily towards it being a viable reality in the future. so im pretty annoyed that im back to feeling like theres no fucking way because i dont know who is more delusional me or everyone who keeps saying im paranoid and overly online but fucking votes for fucking facists because they cant stop to fucking listen to the words out of his own fucking mouth.

sorry for making u read the f word every .2 seconds lol

also please dont. take any tidbit of this too seriously like start being like the wORLD will be fine- blah blah. i know. im fucking chronically online in these spaces. this isnt a well thought out essay this is me being very self indulgently angry at work while i put dumb little stickers on books its not meant to be terribly smart do not take anything away from it other than i am stressed the fuck out.

[agandar]

nwos ramblings time

first of all WOOHOO YAHOO WAHA NEW TRAILER YIPPEE!!!

second of all. 2025. puts head in hands it's fine it's cool im patient it's not that long <- exploding

third. actual trailer thoughts.

it looks GREAT i REALLY LIKE IT

i really adore the artstyle they've used for the 3d models, they aren't as jarring as the old ones (which i didnt like at first but they grew on me) and still look real nice and stylized - a little nit picky but sometimes the mouths look? odd?? but like eh whatever. the noses too sometimes but again. eh whatever.

i will say though. i like the artstyle but. laytons new model. im kinda. iffy on it. at least right now it's prolly gonna be the old 3d models situation again where i gotta adjust then i can appreciate them in their own way but as of the moment. im kinda. hmmmm. i'll need to see them more in action too of course but right now he just feels. off. at times it looks fine and then others it looks odd. there's the outfit change, sure, which i wasnt the greatest fan of but i hardly hate it - i just prefer his big ol thick coat and sweater. that's fine, that isnt the problem, but he just. his whole shape language just feels! off! that man is a cylinder!! rounded squares!! reassuring and reliable!! in this he kinda looks like a triangle! maybe it's just the one idle pose cus we didnt see much STILL. part of what i liked about him is that this man is a TUBE. he is the cardboard tube that cain killed his brother with. now though he's looking less tube and more rolled up carpet with a rubber band on. but then again who knows these are just my initial gut reactions! maybe layton just decided he wanted to go to the club in which case slay king go for it also his head just looks like a touch too big but maybe that's also just my brain imagining things

also. luke's model. perfect no notes fantastic bowtie

the 3d cutscenes looked really nice which im pleasantly surprised by BUT i really hope they wont be used to like. replace 2d cutscenes. i dont imagine they will since they're a staple of the series but still.

kinda hope it stays like what we saw in the trailer where it's just layton's musings and lukes thoughts on things, maybe interspersed a bit throughout the gameplay where they need to be like 'look he picked up a thing here's a quick shot of it!' just yknow complimentary stuff and little moments. then again though i'd love for them to prove me wrong i just still have miracle mask cutscene ptsd

either way i like them so far and i hope this might mean we get a few more cutscenes where we can just see layton and luke interacting with stuff more. and also give us more swordfighting because i mean. layton swordfighting. it's the first time we've seen him in ages i'd be there trying to shove as many layton swordfights in as possible, finally give him a sword to just have on him at all times so that every single cutscene there's always the potential he'll just whip it out

the 2d art we have seen FANTASTIC i LOVE IT it's GREAT and the environments (or environment we've only seen like one) is DELIGHTFUL im so glad to see that good ol layton architecture im so excited to see more, ive always adored how environments and backgrounds are stylized also LITTLE LUKE AND LITTLE LAYTON SURVEYING THE SCENE!! THEY ARE JUST. IN THE CORNER. THEY ARE LOOKING!! it's a really small detail but it's GREAT i really hope it wont be just the one area

i also really like the hud we've seen so far, it looks clean without being obstructive or distracting - was a bit worried how they'd make it work on switch but so far it looks good still a bit worried about the memo just cus i know i will be playing mostly docked and memo functions with joysticks are. eck. but like hey im the one thats gonna opt out of using a stylus so that's on me, hopefully we can just stamp some stuff like circles and numbers maybe and that'll be enough

lastly though THE MUSIC!!! YEAHHH LAYTON MUSIC!!! layton music is always good this is no exception, absolutely looking forward to eventually having this new puzzle music ingrained in my mind after staring at a puzzle for 4 hours really been liking what we've been hearing so far it's got the good ol Layton Rhythm and the signature accordion but with a new twist i like, more brass instruments it sounds like man i cannot WAIT to hear what the title theme will sound like they always manage to pop off with the main theme

ok well anyway. managed to write a small opinion piece of a 3 minute trailer so that goes to show the grip this has on me. maybe this will finally spur me into finally doing art like ive been meaning to for uhhh checks watch. over. a year now. uhhhh anyway i think i've been writing this in snippets over the course of like an hour as i thought of more things to add but i dont have anything more at the moment so i am going to let this post go now to live in the wilderness. be free

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[sleepkey]

having my mom need so much support and disability is so stressful to be around and has made existing harder than it usually is

told my dad i struggle on a good day

i keep having mental breaks

my only breaks are when i dissociate while playing games or listen to asmr falling asleep but even then i get smacked with reality constantly

its hard enough taking care of myself i am not built for this and the guilt is only making it harder

my mom has done so much for me and i cant do anything for her

i feel useless on top of it like i havent been eating but asking my dad to get me food isnt an option because he is constantly helping my mom... hes in his 70s and most of the work goes to him i dont want him to wear himself ragged because ill actually lose it if anything happens to him

i keep fantasizing about going down to the river to stare into the water and my paranoia says thats dangerous like im gonna do something dumb but realistically i just need out of the house

problem is as with doing literally anything i frankly dont have the energy

i can barely eat sleep or do anything more than the ABSOLUTE bare minimum

my will to live is being sucked out of me more and more by the day

i need out of here but anywhere else is too expensive and im poor

grateful i work from home so like i can mask it all to earn enough money to survive cuz if i still worked in store id be missing work

im just so lost and everything is a haze i can barely function

where can i turn is there a light at the end of the tunnel? is the rest of my life doomed to look like this until she passes away? i dont want to wish for her death but i see no other salvation...

wish someone would come save me but help is so far away (literally most of my friends are long distance and anybody nearby cant do anything of impact)

my dad is the only one i can find hope in but he has so much on his plate and at his age putting more on him makes me feel terrible

maybe im going around in circles but thats about how my brain has been lately. best i can do is survive and do what im told in ways that make the most minimal issues possible

id rather starve myself than be another burden