#my avoidant personality disorder is stronger than YOUR avoidant personality disorder! /joke

[finalrestingplace]

logged in to fb to do my yearly "deactivate in time for my birthday so that i don't get the attention", didn't get sweats and heart racing palpitations from logging in to fb.

i still have a phobia of that site and of talking to my friends online. they've been worrying. i don't want them to worry. i want them back. i'm just relieved they've still stuck around and not deserted me for my poor choices (not communicating online because of my phobia)

i'm going to tell them soon where else to get a hold of me it's the right time

[sweetwritertanya]

Bumpy Path

Summary: While trying to recover from an eating disorder, you have a bad day and your boyfriend Jin notices. He decides to make up for it.

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING for eating disorders!! I don’t get too specific about what the reader has, I focus more on the feelings and such, but if you don’t feel comfortable reading about it, please just skip this one! I don’t want anyone feeling bad about themselves, okay? Like I show by the end, everyone is beautiful even if they themselves don’t see it.

Also, ANGST and SMUT. Starts off a bit angsty, ends with a bit of smut, as requested. This fic will include: erotic body touching and oral (female receiving).

Requested: YES! To the person who requested this, please know that you are beautiful no matter what, we all have bad days and it’s okay to reach out to people, okay? I never dealt with an eating disorder myself, I can only imagine what people go through. Please surround yourself with positivity and good people, alright? Sending you all lots and lots of love. Also, I could have went with anyone on BTS, they all would be understanding. Jin just seemed like a more mature and protective choice.

Word Count: 3012

The moment you opened your eyes this morning, you felt different. All the days leading up to today, had been such a success. You felt better, happier, more confident. Your mind wasn’t constantly bugged down with your self-conscious inner monologue or the dark voices in your head reminding you of your eating disorder. You actually laughed, got out of the house and ate without feeling immediately guilty about it. It was everything you ever wanted.

Which is why you agreed to go out for lunch with your boyfriend Jin, something you had never done before this new path to recovery. The thought of him seeing you eat, the thought of other people seeing you with him, it just nauseated you to no end. They didn’t even have to speak at you, just a simple glance and your mind came up with the most awful judgements they were surely thinking, convincing yourself they were true.

But you had been doing so good, everyone was so proud of you. Jin smiled brighter when he looked at you now. So, when he asked if you felt good enough to go out to lunch with him at his favorite place, you felt confident enough to agree.

However, the thing about eating disorders or any mental illness really… It was a bumpy path. One day you can be completely fine and the other completely not. Today was a not great day.

Looking up in the mirror of your bathroom after washing your face, it started again. The evil thoughts. The zooming in on every flaw of your body: the fat around your stomach and thighs, the sagginess of your underarms, the plump of your chin and the chubbiness of your cheeks. Immediately, you were reminded of every single thing you have been eating that week, how that surely made you get like this. And you felt sick to your stomach.

Body shaking, you might have put all your efforts to waste if not for the phone call from Jin, scaring you out of your thoughts and back into reality. You answer it with trembling hands.

“Y-Yeah?”

“Y/N! Good morning, lovely! I know we arranged only to meet at lunch, but me and the boys were given the whole day off and I was wondering if I could go pick you up? We can go for a drive or a walk before going to eat. What do you think?” Jin’s voice sounded so excited, so eager. You could almost see the smile on those soft plump lips of his through the phone. The thought of letting him down hurt you more than anything else.

“Of course, Jinnie. I just need to get ready” you appeased him, even as you wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and never see the sunlight of day again.

“Great! I’ll be there in thirty minutes, okay? See you soon” he said before hanging up the phone.

You took your face into your hands and took deep breaths. You didn’t want him to know about how bad you were feeling so you decided to suck it up the best you could and give him the day he deserved. You forced yourself to get up and get ready.

The moment Jin laid eyes on you, coming out of your house to meet him in the car, he knew something was wrong. Your smile lacked the usual warmth, barely reaching your eyes, your body swollen up in baggy clothes and arms trying to shield you from anymore stares. You looked tired and defeated, pale. Getting inside the car, you didn’t even give him a hello kiss. He could tell you were having a rough day.

“Hello, lovely! Where to?” he asked, masking his concern with a happy tone of voice and a smile on his face as he looked expectantly at you.

“Wherever you want to, Jin. I’m fine with wherever” you told him, eyes looking around at the people on the street, begging for them to not look at you.

“Have you had breakfast yet?” Your silence spoke for you. “Well, I know of a great pastry shop not too far. Let’s start there, shall we?” Jin picked up you hand and, feeling your discomfort, only laid a kiss on your knuckles. You smiled at the gesture, an honest smile.

Jin was nothing but completely caring and understanding throughout the whole day, and you couldn’t have been more thankful to have him in your life. It was impossible to feel betrayed by your dark thoughts when Jin kept making his silly jokes, taking you to a beautiful park with blooming flowers and engaging you with conversations that distracted you. Even while eating, he never pushed you to eat more, he didn’t rush you, he didn’t stare. He happily sat with you, waited for you to be able to finish your meal, which was particularly difficult but you did it.

By the end of lunch, you actually had high hopes that your day would turn around. That you could go back to your good mood. But then you caught a reflection in a store’s window of your body as you were walking down the street with Jin.

“So I volunteered to go with him so he wouldn’t go alone, but… Y/N?” Jin noted you stopped walking beside him and stopped with your head turned to a shop’s window, and he thought for a moment that you saw something you liked to buy. Until he noticed your expression. “What’s wrong?! Y/N, love, why are you crying?!”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Jin, but I can’t!...” You had thick tears rolling down your face. “I just saw how fat I look and… and!”

Jin wrapped his long arms around you when you hid your crying face in your hands, feeling the blood rushing to your face in embarrassment. His hands patted your head and run up and down your back in a comforting manner.

“Say no more, lovely. Let’s get you home, okay?” he offered, with a calm and soothing voice against your ear.

“P-Please, yes” you readily agreed.

Once back in your home, the ride had been silent and your tears had dried against your skin. You now felt absolutely embarrassed and guilty for breaking down like that in front of your boyfriend, in the middle of the street furthermore.

Jin comes in with you and sits you on the couch, leaning down to kiss your forehead as he sat down next to you, two strong arms around your shoulders. You remember how his silhouette looked next to yours on the window and the wound reopens.

“Why are you with me, Jin?” you whisper desolated in the quiet room.

“Because I love you” he instantly responds, the hold of his arms growing stronger. But you shake your head and break free of his hold, refusing to accept that answer in the state you were in.

“How can you love me, Jin? How, when there are so many beautiful girls out there dying to be with you? Slim perfect girls who look good in everything and who don’t have an eating disorder like me!... How could you love someone broken like me, Jin?”

There it was, the question you always avoided in this relationship, the one question you were always so afraid to ask. But it truly made no sense to you, for Jin to be interested in you, to stay with you even after he found out about your illness, helping you through your path to recovery when he had so many women around him that would suit him so much better.

He moves out of the couch and kneels in front of you, catching your chubby face in his hands before you can turn away from him, not wanting him to look at you, with your flushed stained cheeks and red puffy eyes. But he didn’t allow you to escape his intense gaze, keeping your face in front of him as he spoke.

“Should I count all the reasons I love you? Would that help?” he asks. You hesitantly stare between his two almond brown eyes, something he takes as interest. “Well then, where to start? Maybe with how kind you are to those around you, how you care for them even when they don’t notice what you do for them. Or maybe with how you laugh at all my jokes, even the cheesy ones that no one else finds funny, but I catch you always giggling no matter what. Or maybe you want to know how smart I think you are, how passionate, how loving and patient… Y/N, I’ve met many people before, but no one compares to what I found in you.”

Jin always had a way with words, when he truly wanted to. He spoke every single syllable with fiery passion and honesty, eyes never wavering from yours and hands holding you softly. No matter how dark your thoughts, how they wanted to doubt his words, there was no denying the truthfulness behind Jin’s voice and look. It renewed the tears pricking your eyes.

Still on his knees in front of you, he stretches up to kiss your tears away, pecking at your eyes, your cheeks, your forehead and, finally, at your lips. The kiss is innocent and short, the softest pressure of his silk lips against yours, feeling how tense you got. With hopes of relaxing you, the thumbs pressed on your cheeks rub your skin lovingly, making you close your eyes and sigh as Jin persists with loving gestures.

“Should I… confess… other things I love in you?” he continues, between soft pecks at your mouth. One of his hands slowly drops from your head, down your arm, to spread against your wide hips. “Like the roundness of your hips… The way they sway as you walk” he teases against your ear, pressing butterfly kisses up and down your jawline.

“Jin…” you warn, squirming a bit under his caresses. You were still too self-conscious to have him touching you like that, but there was also a buried need for him to show you exactly what he saw in you, what he loved, what he craved. So that maybe you could see it too. So you allowed him to procced, knowing that if you backed away, Jin would respect your boundaries and stop.

“The suppleness of your arms, how I can reach for them and feel their softness instead of just muscles or bones” he proceeds to enlighten, kisses getting longer and teeth nibbling at the skin of your neck as his other hand brushes down your arm. You feel like goosebumps are blooming in your skin as his hands move. “This plush stomach… the one I always reach for when I want to feel you closer to me. Always so squeezable and warm.”

The racing heartbeat in your chest and escalating wild fire underneath tune down your dark thoughts in favor of feeling how good Jin was making you feel, with warm kisses and exploring hands, covering your belly and embracing the flesh instead of being disgusted by it. He moves to stand up as his body grows closer to yours and you find yourself turning your face to catch his lips.

Clamming together, your mouths move frantically against one another as you are pushed down to the cushions of the couch, Jin moving on top of you, one leg between yours and the other barely on top of the couch, pressed against your hip. He sucks on your bottom lip and you moan, opening your lips and giving him a chance to deepen the kiss, his soft tongue coaxing yours.

You throw your arms around his wide shoulders, pulling him down closer to you, the hands on your stomach moving to grab at your protruding love-handles as he rests his weight almost all on you. He smells like spring and home, something that makes you relax completely against him, insecurities be damned for now. The taste of the spiced wined he had at lunch intoxicates you in the best way, silencing all the mean voices inside your brain.

“Your perfect breasts… so round and sensitive” he whispers hotly against the trembling skin under his lips, moving ever more down your body as he pulls the oversize sweater up to reveal your clothed chest. He licks the hills of them, your back arching at the sensation. But he keeps going down your body. “The curves of your legs, from your meaty calves to the thick thighs…” His hands are now moving up and down your clothed legs, his head kissing bellow your bellybutton. Butterflies are fluttering around your belly and it becomes harder to breathe. Fingers hook at the sides of your pants. “I wanna feel them around my head, lovely. Let me, yeah? Let me show you how much I love this body and how much I wanna make you feel good” he begs of you, head looking up from your lower stomach, eyes dark with need and flushed pink cheeks. It makes your mouth run dry and head lighter.

Too overwhelmed to speak, you just nod and see Jin’s lips spread into an easy grin. He relieves you of your bottom half clothes, pants and panties in one go. You shiver at the sudden cold air, contrasting so heavily against your burning skin, but Jin’s hands move up your leg lovingly, warming you back up. He is leaving deep kisses as his head goes up your body, sucking on the skin and making you close your eyes and just enjoy the feeling. Only he could make you feel like this, could have you this comfortable in your bare skin.

“You always look so pretty for me, Y/N. So lovely” he praises as his face reaches your inner thighs, eyes set on your hot slippery center. His dark husky voice only contributes to the pooling wetness between your legs and he knows it.

You squeak at the first feather touch of his tongue against you, the thought of how you got here when you were just crying about your body mere moments ago crossing your mind. But then Jin repeats the moment, bottom to top and flicking his tongue on the pearly nob between your folds, incapacitating you of any coherent thought anymore.

Squeals and gravel moans exit your lips as you lay on the couch, Jin’s face between your legs exactly like he wanted, pillowy thighs around his head, closing down on him for a few moments every time his tongue played with your clit more roughly. He loved this. He loved hearing the sounds you made, the twitches of your body, the flapping of your hands around when you didn’t know what to do with them. He loved how much juicier you got the longer he stayed down there, the taste of your essence. In short, he just loved knowing how good he could make you feel.

Squeezing your thighs in his big hands, Jin becomes more demanding and moves is tongue side to side, up and down, in circular motions around your clitoris until he plunges it inside, swirling it around your inner walls to the deepest it could go. Your consecutive trembles tell him you are close, so he persists avidly with his movements, thumb coming to join his mouth as it rubs your button of nerves rapidly.

Your thighs close around his head as that does it, the spring that was holding you together breaking down and ripples of pleasure crash into your body, legs convulsing around Jin, back arching off the couch and head falling back as you whimper at how good you feel.

Jin keeps going until he feels your legs give out, pecking at them softly before he moves up your body and hoovers above you. Opening your heavy eyelids, you look up at the man you love so much. There he was, mouth and surroundings glistening with your fluids, lips swollen and cheeks particularly red after you pressed your legs against them so tight. Dark eyes filled with pride and love. It makes you want to cry all over again, for completely different reasons.

Your hands reach up to clean his face, but he ends up kissing your fingers instead.

“This body you hate so much sometimes, it is the source of my dirtiest dreams, filthy fantasies and purest pleasure, my lovely. No matter what you tell yourself, remember that” he asks of you.

“I’m sorry I got down again, Jin. I didn’t want to disappoint you” you confess, sniffing.

“You never disappoint me, Y/N. And it’s completely normal to have bad days. We all have them, even me” he assures, leaning on his forearms as his hands play with your hair.

“You have bad days too?” you inquire confused, not understanding what he could possibly feel bad about when he was perfect. You see him smile and wink smugly at you.

“Until I see you looking at me like I’m some kind of miracle sent from the heavens, yes” he conceitedly says, making you giggle and hide your eyes from his view with your hands. He leans down to kiss your neck and you retrieve your hands. “So, let me do the same for you. Whenever you are feeling down, just see how I am looking at you. Just let me hug you, kiss you, love you. Show you all the wonderful things you seem to forget during these bad times, alright? Can you promise me that?”

Envisioning being able to do that makes you sigh with relief and a huge weight seems to fall from your shoulders. You smile up at him.

“Okay, Jinnie. I promise” you vow.

“Well then, how about we take this to the bedroom, then?”

Your eyebrows raise up at that, taken by surprise.

“Take what?”

Jin allows his weight to press against you as he presses his lips to yours once more, and you feel something pocking at your legs, realization hitting you then.

“Oh, I’m not done with you yet, lovely.”

[xplrerdolan]

an analysis on and rant about what stan twitter did to grayson dolan:

as i mentioned earlier, i have quite a bit to say about the twitter stans trying to cancel the twins because of something they talked about on their podcast. not only do i have my own personal opinions on it, i also want to shed some light on the direction cancel culture has taken and why it’s so vile.

for context, here’s a transcription of what a very small but loud group of people are “upset” about: “people just want you to not be sober and not be on a diet, because, y’know, they-they kinda feel like shit that they’re not.” - ethan. also during the podcast, grayson mentions, vaguely, that he’s had an unhealthy relationship with food in the past, as did ethan. ethan later identified the problems as being eating disorders. from what i’ve seen on twitter, people mention either/or rather than both aspects when talking about why it should have had a trigger warning. for some people, the whole issue was the nine second clip of what ethan said. others said they were triggered by the mention of eating disorders.

let’s get into this, shall we?

first of all, let me identify myself as a fat girl who is the furthest thing from sober. my entire life, i have been criticized by my family and the world around me for my weight. i’m at a point in my life where i embrace being fat, and i am comfortable with it, which i constantly have to justify. i am directly affected by diet culture, fatphobia, and eating disorders. i personally struggle with disordered eating—different from an eating disorder in that i have a generally unhealthy relationship with food—and what they said does not warrant a trigger warning.

why? because they’re not talking about needing to be on a diet. they’re not shitting on people who aren’t on a diet. they aren’t forcing their diet & healthy eating onto us as an audience. they also didn’t talk about their eating disorders on the podcast; they said they might talk about it later. what they are doing is being condescending—but let’s unpack that quickly.

their condescension is not targeted or directed at us. it is directed toward people who try to pressure them to do things for instant gratification. specifically, other influencers and hollywood as a whole. not to mention, he’s clearly suggesting that people who try to get them to break their sobriety or their diets are the ones who probably feel shitty about themselves for not doing those things. idk about the rest of y’all but i’ve never seen any fans trying to pressure them into getting off their diet or drinking. so, it’s clearly not directed at any of us.

hollywood is hedonistic. the whole aesthetic of youth, the advertisement of satisfaction is rooted in indulgence. maintaining a healthy diet, just like sobriety, is the complete opposite of that.

the snark and the comparison to sobriety are there because he’s annoyed with others trying to pressure him into enjoying his youth “like he should;” a standard set by culture that he & grayson don’t want to participate in for personal reasons. let me remind you that we do not know what they hear from other influencers. we have not been surrounded by a group of other influential people—really influential, not your peers in high school—who are trying to get us to just have one little drink, or just have one little milkshake, or just eat one little burger. connections matter in hollywood. consider how separate the twins seem from other influencers—do you think that’s merely coincidental? i can almost promise you it’s not. they likely avoid people who pressure them one too many times or who put them at risk of disappointing themselves because they might succumb to peer pressure.

what i’m saying here is ethan was projecting. he was projecting his annoyance, frustration, and perhaps some amount of bitterness or general bad feelings in a way that protected himself. yes, it’s a little condescending because a lot of his fans—including myself—might struggle with diet culture or sobriety, or some of us might make choices in our lives that differ from theirs so it feels mildly offensive or just makes you feel bad. i’ll admit that when i first heard it, i was a little put off for a second. but then, i did precisely what so many twitter stans need to do: i got the fuck over it. because i’m not so unsympathetic that i can’t imaging that maybe their life looks a liiiittle different from mine, and i’m not so self-centered to believe that one passing comment applies to me or was ever intended to hurt me personally.

yes, delivery and effect matters more than intention. and if anyone was genuinely offended or triggered, yes, that warrants apology. but it doesn’t obliterate intention. intention matters.

onto my next point: responsibility. i believe people are responsible for correctly labelling potentially triggering information. BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean that you put a trigger warning on a podcast because of one passing comment and the mention of eating disorders. it’s not as though the twins were mocking them or carelessly talking about their experiences—which i note would be careless because eating disorders are a social disease and they get stronger with validation from others as well as through normalization of the disorder. by normalization, i mean saying things or making jokes that encourage one to restrict or to binge. knowing that they did none of that, and that people’s primary issue (what ethan said) was a major misunderstanding, it’s pretty clear that they were under no obligation to put a trigger warning.

now, let’s consider the following: the twins have recently been being more open with us about their insecurities, especially ethan. while talking about what helped him get to a point where he’s comfortable with his acne, he mentions that working out and taking care of himself physically played a huge part in that. in addition to the last two recent points of discussion on their platforms and channel, they have also been sharing their journey through veganism and are very excited about how great they feel because of it.

taking all of that into account, if you know that you’re at such a sensitive point in your recovery or your disorder (which is nothing to be ashamed about, i’d like to note) that someone mentioning their own diet, their view of their own diet, or just the general existence of eating disorders is enough to trigger you, you have to understand that you have a responsibility to avoid potentially triggering content. excluding their eating disorders, we all knew about their recent healthy vegan diet and their devotion to maintaining their physique. i mention this because it seems as though the people who are upset would’ve been triggered by the latter two things regardless—it’s not the words “eating” and “disorder” that suddenly break you like a hypnotic command, it’s the whole premise of two guys talking about how physically fit they are and how healthy they’ve been eating. since this is what they’ve been talking about recently and this is what’s going on in their life, you have to be responsible enough to not seek out or engage with something that could be triggering to you. you need to step away from those things yourself and come back to them when you are capable of hearing about someone else’s healthy choices without internalizing that information and inflicting it upon yourself.

i find it also incredibly important to note that the language ethan uses is very clearly a way to defend himself and ward off anyone who disagrees with his dietary choices. it’s his way of validating himself. which, if you’ve been paying attention, is a sign that he’s insecure about his diet to begin with; if you have more than three brain cells, you should be able to figure out from that fact alone that even if he didn’t have an eating disorder, he clearly has issues with eating. which is why i think nitpicking a nine second clip out of a 45-50ish minute episode of a podcast is absolutely disgusting to me; look at what’s happened now. in their lack of consideration for what he might be going through, despite them literally telling us that they have struggled with eating disorders in the past, they essentially ended up “outing” him. at least, i’ve spent enough time listening to that clip and typing up this analysis of the situation to see it that way.

the last overarching thing i’d like to talk about here is the how this whole situation demonstrates the dangerous and frankly disgusting turn that cancel culture has taken in recent times. cancel culture is no longer expository; it has evolved to be exploitative. people take any opportunity to cancel someone in the hopes that they get attention and validation from others. i believe—and i urge you to read this part carefully and to not misconstrue my intentions or meaning when i say this—that we have pushed the idea that we should support, trust, and listen to the disenfranchised to a degree that we no longer allow any space for critical thinking and analysis of a certain claim. LET ME BE PERFECTLY AND COMPLETELY CLEAR. this does NOT mean that a white person can analyze a BIPOC’s experience with racism to dismiss it, it does NOT mean that nonvictims can analyze a victim’s allegations against someone to disprove it, and thus, it does NOT mean that any oppressor of any kind can apply their ignorant, blind assumptions to any oppressed person’s claims to disqualify what they have said.

with that being said, the reason i mention this is because there are going to inevitably be people, like whoever started this whole mess, who make claims that are either false, dramatized, or that are based on misunderstandings. a part of me wants to believe that the person who initially claimed to be triggered by what ethan said misheard him or took what he said personally when they should not have. if we encouraged people to have discussions about these things, then perhaps someone would’ve pointed out to them that no where in that statement does he shame people for not being on diets or for not being sober. rather, he was projecting his feelings of being criticized onto those who criticize him.

now, the other possibility (that i would rather not believe) is that this person—the first person to say something—picked out a nine second segment of the podcast where ethan said something less than positive and went out of their way to make it seem like an issue. still, the same problem ensues: we’ve created such a culture that if you challenge the position of the accuser then you’re simply brainwashed by the accused and you’re part of the problem.

i can say with utmost certainty that even if the first person to complain about the clip hadn’t intended to make something out of nothing, a fair 90% of them who said blatantly disrespectful things to ethan and grayson DEFINITELY just wanted to hop on a bandwagon. there was one girl who replied to grayson several times, claiming that what they had said was VERY triggering to a lot of people, but within her frantic outcry for an apology from him, she admitted that she herself wasn’t triggered and didn’t even struggle with an eating disorder, before proceeding to tell someone else who does have an eating disorder that if they weren’t triggered it’s not their place to say the twins don’t have to apologize.

......................since the girlies from the bird app like to lurk here, let me spell that one out for y’all:

✨stop demanding apologies that you cannot accept✨

hopefully that gets through to them. because this is the second time in a row that they’ve gone ahead and demanded apologies from the twins that they cannot accept. the heteros were down their throats about the f-slur (which i use in reclamation as it has been used against me personally but i won’t repeat here on the off chance that someone is hurt by it).

it’s so painfully obvious that they’re doing it for likes, retweets, and replies. whether they want people to argue with them or just want attention, they’re hiding behind the guise of caring about a very serious issue and speaking FOR the people who might be offended. i believe people like this noticed a pattern under celebrity tweets when BLM was the center of discussion on twitter. if a celebrity wasn’t talking about BLM, people were under that tweet demanding that they did. those tweets would often get a lot of interactions from people who agreed that someone with a platform should speak up. and since local stan twitter does nothing but regurgitate what’s “trending,” they’re trying to find any reason to be the social justice warrior precisely no one asked them to be and absolutely no one needs them to be.

i don’t think that anyone really needs me to explain why they should be ashamed of themselves, but in case one of them is floating around: it’s because when a bunch of people demand an apology for a non-problem, gang up on that person, flood their replies with nothing but those demands in hopes that someone with as much sense as them on twitter-dot-fucking-com will engage with it and maybe join their futile efforts, it leads to people having to expose a part of themselves that they wanted to keep private. it’s a violation not only of their privacy, but of their emotional consent and the boundaries they had set up.

i’d like to leave anyone guilty of contributing to this situation with this to consider: they start to open up to us more, they start to be more honest with us, they try their best to show us their appreciation for support, and as soon as they mention having an eating disorder it’s a personal attack on you and they need to apologize for it? or worse—someone else said that it was a personal attack on them so you reply five separate times even though it’s not your apology to accept and therefore is not your apology to ask for. it’s bitches like you who make them keep everything vague and private. i don’t even want to consider what they’re going through right now; it breaks my heart to imagine how badly they’re hurting. all for likes and retweets on the fucking bird app. let me know what that gets you in five years.

[filmreviewsco]

The Peanut Butter Falcon Deserves An Oscar Nomination and Here’s Why

I give this film FIVE JARS OF PEANUT BUTTER out of FIVE!

Spoilers ahead...

    You may be asking, what is The Peanut Butter Falcon? For many, this movie slipped right under their noses. A lack of marketing from what I can tell is one of the main reasons this movie has seemed to escape most people’s attention. That and it’s an indie film. So, of course, most people might avoid it believing that it’s going to be a slow-paced, sad film about a bunch of country boys and Dakota Johnson.

   I am writing this review as someone who loves indie films (even the really bad ones). That being said, indie movie haters might actually really enjoy The Peanut Butter Falcon. Right from the get go, this film has a buoyant and hopeful tone. The score opens the film with a rhythm that can’t help but make you feel good. Seriously, look up this score on Spotify or iTunes or wherever you listen to music because its so incredibly joyful and inspiring. Of course, this is an indie film and things could go south very fast. Which is what I held onto as I started off the film.

   The first thing that made this film shine was that even in the midst of a difficult topic such as family death and living in a world that treats those with disorders as ‘others,’ they can manage to keep the conversation light and airy. The dialogue of this film was so genuinely funny without ever once having to make a joke of situations. As funny as the dialogue could be, there were also some incredibly deep moments that I believe everyone could benefit from listening to. 

    Lines such as “Yeah you’re gonna die, it’s just a matter of time,” said by the fisherman/thief Tyler (played by Shia LeBeouf) got a chuckle out of me but also had me thinking on the truth of the statement. His whole meaning to this line and the next part of dialogue is that life is life. It’s going to end at some point so why not live a life full of stories to tell? This whole movie was filled with stories to tell. 

   Another piece of dialogue I truly enjoyed was “I can’t be a hero because I have down syndrome.” Zak, played by Zack Gottsagen, has been kicked down his whole life. From the very start of the movie, he is treated as something other than normal; someone other than the hero. He’s kept in a nursing home despite being only in his twenties because he has no family. Zak isn’t meant to be there, though. He knows this but everyone else treats him as if there’s nothing else they can do. Which is where our whole story begins and ends. It begins with Zak being treated as if he is nothing but a man with down syndrome but, after meeting Tyler and embarking on this journey to meet his wrestling hero the Saltwater Redneck, Zak becomes a man who just happens to have down syndrome. “You’re strong, Zak.” And he is. He’s stronger than everyone not just in physical strength but mental strength as well. 

     When asked why he wants to be the bad guy, Zak replies “because my family left me.” Tyler gives Zak the reminder that there are even some good guys who have been left. Zak having been left alone doesn’t make him the bad guy that he has made himself out to be. In fact, he’s the hero of this tale. He’s the hero of his own journey. 

   The characters are so well thought out. Every single one of them has something to learn from this experience and you find yourself caring about every single one of them. Even the smallest of cameos such as the blind man who baptizes Zak and lets the pair build a raft from the junk in his yard. Tyler, though starting off as a thief and ‘bad guy,’ is one of the only people who treats Zak like a human upon first meeting him. In fact, Tyler is the only one who continues to treat him like the capable young man Zak is. This isn’t something to commend him for, though, as he alludes to. He’s just being a decent human being treating another human being how they should be treated. He’s not someone we should praise but someone we should model ourselves after.

   Eleanor cares deeply for Zak but you learn that, as his caregiver, she may have been giving him too much care. Seeing him as more helpless than he is, on this journey she learns that Zak doesn’t need her to be there twenty-four seven. She doesn’t need to always be worried about Zak because he can handle himself. Eleanor learns how to stop being some sort of nurse and just a person who is taking care of another person when he needs it and only when he needs it.

   Zak... oh Zak. I loved his character so much. First, the fact that the team actually hired an actor with down syndrome is just another thing I loved about this movie. Again, it’s not something that should be rewarded but rather is something that other filmmakers should set as a model for themselves when they have disabled characters in their story. Zak was incredibly touching and funny and he did the damn thing he set out to do! He wanted to meet his favorite wrestler and he did. He met his favorite wrestler, learned from him, and overall he triumphed. He learned how to harness his own strength and learned how to be more confident in himself. Zak learned, above all else, that he’s not just a man with down syndrome. I know I’ve said it before but this is so dang important! It was so important to watch him learn that he’s a human being first. A capable and strong human being who can do anything he sets his mind too. Zak triumphed. 

    I think my favorite thing about this film was the different messages it held. First and foremost, life is about the stories you have to tell. Life is not life unless you are really out there living it. Even if you’re terrified or feel like you are not capable, you have so much life left to live. Why not go out there and create memories? Be brave. Be bold. Be more than what you think you are! 

   There was a second message that I felt was so important. It wasn’t exactly an overarching theme of the movie but it still held a lot of value towards the end of the film. Many movies like to play the ‘don’t meet your heroes’ trope. These movies often make a persons idol seem like a pompous ass or unfeeling or unsuccessful or all of these things rolled into one in order to allow the protagonist to have this growth as a person. What I LOVED about the Peanut Butter Falcon is that when Zak met his hero, the man was truly there for him. He was willing to be the hero that Zak remembered even if he didn’t necessarily live that life anymore. This wrestling star, the Saltwater Redneck, was living a normal day to day life but, when he had a man come to him and say ‘this kid is your biggest fan,’ he didn’t shut the door in their face. He didn’t tell them that he couldn’t be that man again nor did he tell them to leave and never come back. Instead, he went after them after they left on their own accord in full Saltwater Redneck gear and agreed to teach Zak a little bit of what he knew. He made this kids dream come true. He was the hero that Zak always believed him to be. And what I love MOST about this is that he was the hero while also still remaining himself. He told Zak some of the stuff was made up for the films but he also encouraged the kid to fight and own his strength. 

   This film has become one of my favorites. Even if it is just an ‘indie’ film that no one else will watch and the Academy won’t reward with the recognition it deserves for its direction, acting, and cinematography. I loved this movie and I highly recommend it. 

[ohtheseboysilove]

The sunflower always finds its sunlight VII [Roger Taylor x F!Reader]

Words : 4, 100 K +

Warnings : language, mention of deppression, angst, eating disorders, 

Summary :  Roger likes Reader since forever but the timing seems to just never be right for them. Reader is still haunted by her past relationship and kept rejecting Roger who know nothing about the abuses she had been victim of. After being rejected for the sixth time,  Roger thinks it’s time for him to move on…

Note : sorry it took me forever to post this chapter, this one is pretty hard but it’s important, hope you like it anyway my love !

☀ Masterlist ☀

You fell on your knees as soon as you passed the door of your bathroom, emptying the inside of your stomach, your cheeks soaking wet and your throat burning.

Donovan. You couldn’t forget the last time you saw him before he leaves for America, how mad he was when you refused to follow him. You could still feel the throbbing pain in your wrist when he twisted violently, trying to make you cave and come with him. The way he knocked out the air from your lungs when he threw you on the ground and kicked you in the ribs, shouting how much a pathetic person you were. Every of this touches, his punches, his slaps, his words which hurt as hard as he could hit...everything. Seeing him tonight just brought you six years in the past when things went down with Donovan, when you were feeling awful and vulnerable, completely lost and hopeless to get away from him.

All these efforts, sleepless nights, trying to get over him and these traumatises, everything to be swiped away in a glance in his direction. You hated the hold he still had on you.

**

It had been two months and half, seventy-five awful days of basically hiding. You were avoiding everyone, again. This was your very mature plan until Donovan go back to New York. He was here for a little over three month for meetings and stuffs for work, well that was Freddie told you over the phone. Roger called too, several times. You answered two times, telling him you were okay but needed some time alone, he was hurt, of course he was, but he didn’t push you, just accepting the fact that you and him would probably never end together. Everything in the universe was against your couple apparently.

You had spend most of your days in bed, alternating between crying and staring at the celling. Your psychologist gave you multiple sick leaves for depression. You were supposed to take medication to help you and you did it. But every time you ate something, you would go to the toilet to vomit in the same half and hour, forcing yourself to empting your stomach and all the calories your just put in you. Including these pills too. It was a vicious circle, you were feeling horrible after eating, fat and awful so you go in the toilet then regretted it deeply, knowing how bad it was for yourself and how Roger, Fred and Mary would be disappointing to see you doing that. You were suppose to be stronger than that but the presence of Donovan was making nothing but weak. The other day, you had to go to do some groceries shopping and you saw him, walking out of his hotel, just few blocks away from your place. He saw you too and smirked at you, making his way too you but you jumped in the first bus you saw, completely paranoiac about him following you to your flat. After that you didn’t put a foot out. His sick smile haunting your thoughts.

“(Y/N)!” You jumped at the sound of a yelling. You dragged yourself in the living-room, blanket around your body, even if it was the middle of summer. The noise of ferocious knocks on your front door made you shivered. Did Donovan found your place ? Was he here to pass his nerves on you like he had the habit to do before? “Please, love, open the door !”

Roger. It was just Roger. But Roger couldn’t see you right now, not in your state. You were so thin it was pretty terrifying. You looked so pale and sick, he would know right away what was going on. You had avoid him as he went in tour with the boys for two months and literally came back the week before but you always had find an excuse for not seeing him.

“Rog, I...I’m not feeling great today” You replied weakly, standing in front the door, hearing him sighing impatiently.

“The girls told me they didn’t see you for weeks, please open the door. I’m worried about you. I don’t care if you still in love with Donovan, okay ? I just want to make sure my best friend is okay” Tears gathered in your eyes at his words and you truly didn’t know what you did to deserved this man in your life.

“Please, just go” You couldn’t stand the thought of Roger seeing you so...weak. That wasn’t the person he had fallen in love with. It wasn’t you anymore.

“I’m not leaving without seeing you, (Y/N)” You stayed silent and he sighed again. “Well, you don’t leave me any choice, move away from the door” He instructed you and you furrowed your brows, lost.

“What are you going to do ?” You heard him walked away. “Rog ?”

Then suddenly a loud collision echoed across the hall of your building, making your door shake. Then followed by a yelp of pain and a stream of cursing.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! This shit hurt!” You didn’t think twice and opened the door, finding Rog with a grimace, a hand resting on his shoulder.

“Did you just try to break the door ?” You asked incredulously. “Are you okay ?”

“I’m fine” He grunted and immediately made his way inside your flat, making you swear loudly. “It always work in the movies” The drummer complained as he looked as his shoulder which was red and a bit swollen. “Idiot”

You picked up ice in the freezer and wrapped it in a dish towel before pressing it to Roger’s arm.

“It should be okay, Rocky Balboa” You teased with a soft smile, forgetting for a second your messy life. Roger tended to have this effect on you, making you forget your problems with his silliness and endless happiness, totally contagious.

The drummer chuckled slightly at your terrible joke and glanced at you, his eyes detailing every inch of your face and appearance. His smile fell at the sight of your hollow cheeks, the way your collarbones was popping out from your thin frame. You gaze fell on the floor. Weak. You felt so weak. Once again you caved to your demons, after promising your friends and yourself you wouldn’t do it again. Roger’s hands slowly pushed the blanket from your shoulders to the ground, you didn’t move in protest, letting him discover your fragile frame. You were wearing a top and a short, an old pyjama, and you felt so exposed at this moment. The blond’s gaze wasn’t invading, neither was disgusted by what he saw. It was Roger, after all, he wouldn’t make you feel like this. His large palm grabbed one of your hand, his fingers caressing your wrist, thin and looking ridiculously small in his grip. The bracelet you had on since you were a teenager was hanging too loosely on your wrist, falling until the middle of your hand. The drummer saw you in these short a good thousand of time, they would normally hugged your thighs but right now you were floating in them, they were falling on your waist and you were pulling them up in absent-mindedly gesture. They looked like they were two size bigger than what you usually wear. It broke Roger’s heart to see you like this. Again. You looked back at him, shame and guilt shinning in your eyes and Roger’s heart squeezed at your distress gaze. Like you were almost afraid of his reaction.

“Oh love...” He breathed out before wrapping you in a careful but loving embrace as you melted against him, finding yourself incredibly relieved by his reaction. You couldn’t bare any more negative emotion in your life.

“Don’t be mad, please” You whispered against his shoulder, feeling even smaller between his arms. “I know I promised you it wouldn’t happen again but I don’t know, I’m just feeling so bad these past weeks, I don’t know what is wrong with me–“

“Hey, hey, look at me” His digits gently cupped your chin, your gaze falling in his as he softly shook his head. “I’m not mad at you, never. And nothing is wrong with you. I know it’s not your fault, love but you need help, okay ? I won’t stay there and look at you destroying yourself like the other time. I never want to see you in a hospital bed again, it killed me” His voice was firm but still sweet. “Never again, (Y/N)”

“I’m so sorry” You sobbed, guilt eating you alive. You felt like you betrayed Roger, you were making him sad and worry about you again. And you were selfishly relieved to have him with you, years after years, still by your side. “I’m gonna do better, I swear”

The drummer gently walked you to the sofa, immediately pushing you back in arms when you both sat.

“I care so much about you my love, so much. I just want to be healthy and happy, that all I always wanted for you” He murmured against your head, arms wrapped back around you and you never felt so intimate with Roger than right now.

He had and could see everything in you. Every little flaws. He saw you at your best and worst like no one ever did. He was the closest person to you. Ever. He knew everything thing about you. Stupid thing like your menu at McDonald. The way you took your tea, never without honey and a drop of milk. Other stuffs only people very close to you knew. How hard the divorce of your parents affected you. How heartbroken you had been when you lost your cat after more than a decade of love. He saw you in every drunk state possible and shared most of the moment when it had happened. He held your hairs when you puked. More time than the other way. You were always the first to hear about new rhythm or songs for album. Or you had been for a while. Roger was the person who knew you the best. Except the darkest and most traumatic part of your life. He would go crazy if he knew what you hid from him for years. You felt guilty to keep that for you when you knew he practically told you everything about himself.

Roger held you for what it felt like hours. You were hanged on him like a koala to a tree, he was your safe place. His lips softly pressed a kiss on the top of your hairs, his fingers absent-mindedly brushing your upper arm. You couldn’t stop yourself to think about how everything could have been different if you would have go out with Roger rather Donovan. You wouldn’t have been so destroyed but Roger would have probably broke your heart and he would be out of your life for sure. It wouldn’t have been a good idea. The thing you regretted instead was to had run away during your and Roger’s first date. Almost three months ago. And Roger still thought you were in love with Donovan. And even with that, he was here with you, caring about you. Sometime you really hated yourself for the way you treated him.

“About last time Rog, when we saw hum Donovan, I’m sorry I ran away, I’m a horrible person–“

“No love, don’t apologise okay ? You can’t control feelings” He gave you a little smile. Sad but not bitter. He made peace with himself about your feelings. He loved you. You loved Donovan. That wasn’t the ideal for him, at all, but the only thing that matter right now for him was for you to be in his life. Even if it was just as a friend. He loved you too much to lost you over stupid feelings. And seeing you in this distress state today, it only motivated him more. You needed a supportive friend, someone to help you go through, you didn’t need drama or distraction. You needed to focus on yourself.

“Of course I need to apologise Roger, I keep breaking your heart again and again and I hate myself for that–“

“Don’t say things like that. You’re the most wonderful person I ever met, you just make mistake like everyone but please, don’t hate yourself. Not because of me or nothing else” You opened your mouth to replied but Roger gently shushed you. “I love you, more than everything. You’re my whole world and even if you don’t love me back, not like I want too, our friendship is enough to me. Whatever you give me, I’m taking it” A large lump was obstructing your throat as emotions were overwhelming you, his eyes were screaming all the love he had for you, it was almost too much. Why you ? He could do so much better. “Please, don’t cry” He joked when your eyes became teary. “No need to okay ? I don’t care if you still love Donovan, I’m still gonna be around for you, as long as you want me too. The most important thing now it your health, don’t torture yourself about feelings. Just think about you, for once”

You nodded, knowing he was true.

“Roger, I just need you to know that I don’t have any more feelings for Donovan” You weakly replied. You needed to tell him at least that. “But I really have feelings for you, I’m still confused about them...but, Donovan and I, it’s over. For good” You added with a shaky breath, curling your fingers around Roger’s. A huge weight left your shoulders after your confession. It was probably the best you could do for now.

The drummer scratched his chin, keeping a straight face. He shifted a bit in his seat but his fingers pressed back your hand. A light squeeze, meaning I understand.

“Remember what I just say ?” He chuckled. “The next months will going to be only about you and your health, nothing else. I’m not doing this because I except something from you in return, I just want you to be better. We could...talk about whatever this is between us later, okay ? Not now. Not in your state” His lips curled into a light smile, matching yours. “I just need you to get better”

“I can do that” You answered with relief. “I will get better”

“And I will help you”

**

Two months later,

Roger closed his eyes, the sound coming from the bathroom making him winced. You did it again. For the third time in two weeks he walked in your flat, finding you make yourself puke in the toilet. He tried his best to help you during the past two months but it was harder than he thought. He wasn’t qualified to help you. He couldn’t have an eye on you at every minute of every day. You weren’t doing better. In fact you were doing worse. The guilt of betraying Roger every time you caved making the whole process harder than anything else. You felt pressured to do better. And you weren’t good at it.

The blond sighed, a strong feeling of desperation drowning him. What could he do to help ? You were seeing your psychologist more than usual and you said it was really helping but it wasn’t enough. Roger told Freddie about the situation and convinced all of your and Roger’s friends to pretend everything was okay, the last thing you needed was judgmental glances. You weren’t going out a lot anyway. Barely leaving your house and never without Roger either. Freddie was furious. He wanted to help you but the drummer was afraid it would make the situation even worse, more people to please would only scare you off.

But Roger could see the situation slipping from between his fingers. You frame seemed to be thinner every time he saw you. He felt helpless. Maybe because of his feelings he was too tender with you. Maybe it could be even worse. But he tried so hard to be comprehensive, reassuring you every time you weren’t doing good. You needed support but he was perhaps not firm enough. The situation was becoming threatening for your own safety. The sound of the flush made him raise his head to see you walked out, your hands stabilising yourself on the wall because of weak was your body. Head spinning all the time. Dizziness when you stood up. You were so drained of your energy, looking less alive every day. You had troubles to sleep but your pills for the depression was making you sleepy most of the time. The exhaustion was killing you.

“We need to talk” Your heart jumped at the sudden voice breaking the quietness of your flat. Your stomach churning at the sight of Roger, shoulders down and features covered in worries. “Come here” He helped you sat on the sofa, your body shaking a bit.

“I’m sorry” You murmured. “I did it again, I’m so sorry”

“I know you are, love” Roger took a deep breath. “But we can’t continue like that. It’s not working. You’re digging your own grave and I’m fucking useless” You shook your head, refusing to accept the truth.

“I’m going to do better, I promise Roger. I just need more time” You sniffled, hating to make him feel not helpful. It wasn’t true.

“You need help. Real help my love.” The drummer murmured softly, he sounded sorry and it scared you. “I did some research and I found some places where they helped people who have trouble like yours” The blond avoided your gaze and the fear in it as you processed his words. He took off from his jacket’s pocket three different flyers and put them on the coffee table. “All of these establishment have available rooms, individual one if you don’t want to share it with someone. They’re all in London, I could come seeing you every day, they have gardens and the third one have even medical dogs ! They’re here to help you feeling better and I know you love–“

“No, I don’t want to go Roger, please don’t make me” You breathed loudly. “I’m not sick, I don’t need to go there, I want to stay at my home” You pushed away Roger’s hand when he tried to put it on your forearm, this wasn’t an option.

“I can’t force you to go there (Y/N) but I really think you should. Freddie agree with me” He pinched his lips and forced himself to stay unaffected by your teary eyes, knowing it was the last solution for you.

“No” You shook your head. “I won’t go there or any of these places, never” Roger’s answer didn’t reach your ears, you were completely ignoring him, anxiety raising thought your chest at the thought of being placed in one of these health center with strangers. “I’m fine, I’m going to do better, I know I will”

“But you’re not (Y/N) ! You’re killing yourself ! Slowly but you’re fucking are ! You’re not doing better, you need help ! ” You blinked a bit at Roger’ sudden outburst. His jaw clenching hard, he was nervous and worried for you, thinking about it every second of each day and it was affecting his sleeping schedule. He couldn’t focus on the new album because you’re the only thing in his mind. Doing his best to find a way to help you. And that was his last shot. Well, almost. But he was certain that was the best option. “Please, (Y/N), do it for me. I can’t see the woman I love starving herself to death, don’t ask me to do that” His tone was soft again, his hands wrapping yours, eyes begging you.

Your bottom lip was quivering, tears threatening to spill from your eyes and Roger felt his determination weakening, he hated when you cried. Especially when he was the one to make you cry.

“Roger, please no. Let me another chance, I’m gonna stop, I will do whatever you want but please don’t send me in one of these place, please !” Panic was flowing through your veins, if Roger gave up on you, how could you believe in yourself to heal ? This wasn’t a good solution for it. “I can’t go there, please don’t make me ! Please Roger !”

You begged and cried and pleaded your cause for a solid five minutes before the drummer caved in. You were going hysterical, completely panicked about Roger forcing you to go. He couldn’t witness you torturing yourself about it. This was suppose to be your decision in the end.

“Shush, love, that’s alright. If you don’t want to go, you won’t. I would never force you into anything you don’t want” You breathed a little better when he said that. He made you put his head on his lap, fingers brushing gently your hairs. He hummed softly, waiting patiently for you to calm down. “You’re feeling better ?”

“I’m okay” You replied, your cheeks soaked with salty tears but your breathed was slower.

“Listen, love...I was serious when I say we need to do something about your health” You sat up next him, nodding in agreement. “I thought about something...if you don’t want to go in one of these health center then I want you to come and live with me” Your eyes went round like Roger expected. “I need to have an eye on you most of the time, love, that the only way for now. I can’t trust yourself all alone, I know you understand it”

“I know” It was true, you dove right back every time Roger left you all by yourself, didn’t matter how hard you tried. You were weak and needed a constant support. “But Roger...living at your place, it’s a lot. I don’t want to invade your space, I’m going to be a burden all the time” You explained, the idea was good but what if he get bored of you ? Having you all the time around was going to annoying him.

“Jesus (Y/N), I want you to invade my space ! I fucking love you !” He closed his eyes for a second, cursing under his breath. He promised himself to stop talking his feelings for you, that wasn’t important at the moment. “It’s not negotiable (Y/N)” He added, brushing away his past words. “You move in with me and I’m gonna take care of you, at my conditions” You could read on his face how bloody serious he was. “Your way didn’t work so now, we’re gonna try under my conditions. I’m gonna make sure you’re eat, take your pills and sleep properly. You’re gonna hate me at the end but if it the price for you to go better, I’m okay with it. What about you ?”

You observed him for a minute. Dark rings under his eyes, paler skin than usual, nails bitten until blood. You knew he was worrying too much about you and it was affecting his own health. As well as his personal and professional life. You owned him a lot and if he wanted to watch you twenty-four hours, you would let him.

“I...I can do that. If you’re sure, I will move in with you and do whatever you think could help me” The blond relaxed a bit at yours words.

“Good. One more thing (Y/N)” He swallowed as you looked at him, encouraging him to continue. “If my way not work, if in few weeks nothing changed...you need to promise me you will go in one of these health center. If I can’t help you more, you need to let professional help you” He added in breath, his baby blue eyes looking firmly at you.

You chewed your lips nervously. Your fingers rubbing slowly your shoulders, thinking about every reasonable answer to this. The shape of your collarbone was too prominent under your shaky fingers, you hated it. You didn’t like either the little black dot which was dancing in your vision most of the day. Or how every movements required much more energy you had. You wanted to go better, you needed to.

“If I’m not doing better at your place...I will go to the health center with the dogs” Roger smiled softly at your involuntary grin at the word dogs.

“Pinky promise ?” The drummer hanged his smaller finger in the air, wiggling it in front of your gaze.

You giggled quietly at the childish gesture.

“Pinky promise” You repeated, your own little pinky wrapping around Roger’s, sealing the promise.

**

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[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[duckonablog]

It’s time to acknowledge social anxiety as a health issue

I became aware of my social anxiety when I was 13 years old. “What will they think of me if I say this? Obviously they will think I’m weird. Try to be social this time,” were all common thoughts that overtook my mind whenever I socialized, or merely thought about socializing. Especially among groups.

With bloody fingers after anxiously picking at my loose skin, I would sit in silence as my classmates gossiped and shared funny anecdotes. Sometimes I would giggle, or even laugh, to make them aware of my presence despite my unbreakable silence. When the anxiety got unbearable, I wore headphones to escape in melodic guitars and remote voices. Both alcohol and music were friends and allies, as drinking brought out young Mariana’s charming and social self.

People with social anxiety disorder often use alcohol as a coping mechanism. We usually feel more social and less self-conscious after a couple of drinks, which in my case always ends up in lame jokes and an inflated belief on my potential as a comedian. The social nature of this anxiety disorder could explain the attractiveness of alcohol to those who suffer from it.

A recent study by Dr. Fartein Ask Torvik and his colleagues suggests that socially anxious people are more likely to become alcoholics at some point in their lives, even when compared to those suffering from other anxiety disorders. For the study, mental health professionals interviewed 2800 Norwegian twins to diagnose mental disorders and alcoholism. What the researchers found was a direct effect of social anxiety disorder (SAD) on alcoholism, but not of other anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of situations where escaping or getting help can be difficult) and specific phobias.

But what exactly is social anxiety disorder?

Social anxiety disorder (SAD) or social phobia is a mental condition which implies fear and distress in social situations, leading to an irrational desire and impulse to avoid them. Think of wanting to cancel plans with your friends because you feel like you will be a burden.

Talking to your best friends or merely the act of walking in front of other people can feel uneasy and distressing if you have this disorder. Social anxiety in general is a continuum ranging from fearlessness to social anxiety disorder (SAD). Most people have a “normal” degree of social anxiety, which is somewhere in the middle of this spectrum.  However, us SAD people (pun intended) experience persistent anxiety symptoms. Social anxiety is something we have to deal with on a daily basis.

This disorder is real and more common than you think. 15 million American adults suffer from SAD, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Additionally, 1 out of 5 people with SAD deal with alcohol abuse. Fun fact, the connection between alcohol and social anxiety is stronger amongst women. Some social anxiety symptoms include:

   Fear of meeting new people

   Fear of social situations such as parties or events

   Fear of being the center of attention

   Difficulty talking to others

   Fear of being judged

   Highly self-conscious feelings in social situations

   Trembling

   Nausea

   Sweating

No, having a social anxiety disorder is not the same as being shy. The latter is a personality trait which is not necessarily bad. Neither does it distress the shy person or threaten her stability. SAD, on the other hand, is not normal and completely undesirable. It brings, fear, stress, humiliation and self-esteem issues alongside. Less than 25% of shy people meet the criteria for being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

Why is this a problem?

People with social anxiety disorder naturally self-sabotage themselves and their health. Humans are social creatures. Interacting with others and building social relationships increases our well-being, as it lowers our risk of dementia, strengthens our immune system, decreases feelings of depression and make us live longer. People with SAD go against their own social nature unwillingly, harming both their physical and mental health. As if it weren’t enough, adding alcohol abuse into the mix can have negative long-term effects such as liver and heart disease.

Torvik and his colleagues suggest treating social anxiety as a first step to treat and prevent alcoholism. Like other anxiety disorders, SAD can be treated effectively through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication such as antidepressants. However, a large number of people with SAD never get diagnosed or seek professional help.

"Many individuals with social anxiety are not in treatment. This means that we have an underutilized potential, not only for reducing the burden of social anxiety, but also for preventing alcohol problems," says Torvik, a researcher of the Norwegian Institute of Public Health. It is time to break the stigma and stop undermining social anxiety to help people get the treatment they need, to free them from substance abuse and to guide them towards a healthier physical and mental state. 

References

Galbicsek, C. (2019, March). What is alcoholism? Alcohol Rehab Guide. Retrieved from https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/

Hofmann, S. G., & DiBartolo, P. M. (Eds.). (2014). Social anxiety: Clinical, developmental and social perspectives. San Diego, USA: Academic Press

Quitalcohol.com. Social anxiety and alcoholism. Retrieved on April 22, 2019 from https://www.quitalcohol.com/social-anxiety-alcoholism.html

Social Anxiety Institute. Shyness… Or social anxiety disorder? Retrieved on April 22, 2019 from https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/shyness-or-social-anxiety-disorder

Torvik, F. A., Rosenström, T. H., Gustavson, K., Ystrom, E., Kendler, K. S., Bramness, J. G., Czajkowski, N., & Reichborn-Kjennerud, T. (2019). Explaining the association between anxiety disorders and alcohol use disorder: A twin study. Depression & Anxiety, 1-11. Advance online publication. doi:10.1002/da.22886

Troyer, A. K. (2016, June). The health benefits of socializing. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-mild-cognitive-impairment/201606/the-health-benefits-socializing

[unapologeticallybella]

I Don’t Look Like J-Lo but Someone is Gonna Love Me Anyway

TW: Body Dysmorphia/ E.D   

   I’m going to go ahead and say, I am so happy I am not a notably attractive person. I’m not saying I’m ugly in the slightest but you know what I’m talking about. Those people where their attractiveness is one of their defining traits. Like you mention their name and almost always someone responds with, “Oh, the pretty one.” Yeah that’s not my story and that probably won’t ever be me. What I’ve noticed about those kinds of people is that almost always their personality suffers in some way shape or form. I’m not saying notably pretty people can’t have a good personality but basically yes, it’s rare. So when you don’t get to lean into your beauty, you tend to lean on other things like humor, kindness, intelligence; Oh, did I mention humor? One of my earliest memories is being around six years old, waking up in the middle of the night in a god damn panic. I ran to my mom hysterically crying. I said, “I don’t wanna be ugly.” I couldn’t really tell you what she said because I genuinely don’t remember. Obviously it didn’t make me feel better because here we are sixteen years later and I still wake up with that panic from time to time, only now I just don’t wake anyone up to hear me cry about it (that sounds a lot darker than I intended for it to.) Anyway, what I’m saying here is that I’ve always struggled with the way I look. 

   We all have that voice in our head that tells us we look like shit, that we shouldn’t post certain pictures, and that everyone else sees what we see; I swear sometimes I’d just rather stay home. I know everyone looks back at their old pictures and thinks “Wow, why was I so insecure, I looked fucking amazing.” It’s a pretty common thing, I know. For some of us that voice inside our head is a bit louder and a lot more persistent, mine was very cruel and eventually it just kind of took me over. I’ve never really talked about what I dealt with because I did it so privately; partly out of guilt because I knew I was harming myself and secondly because it was something for me to control and I didn’t want to lose that. I think I was eleven when someone else commented on my weight for the first time, I was 115 pounds. That’s when it started. I would go through these spells of not eating, restrictive diets, the obsessive calorie counting; no one noticed. This continued on and off for years, I love food so fucking much that it eventually turned into bingeing and then starving myself for the day, then bingeing again. Eventually I gained weight because my hunger would just build up, my cravings would just get stronger and I would lose every time; I’d binge. I would eat so fucking much. I could eat entire pizzas within 15 minutes, boxes of Oreos, bowls of cereal, tubs of ice cream, blocks of cheese; it’s absurd how fast I could eat it all. I was obsessed with diets, skinny detox teas, meal replacements were my favorite, and I loved watching my fitness pal tell me how much I could lose if I maintained the low calorie intake. My junior year, I tried making myself throw up for the first time. It was such an easy way to get rid of the guilt I felt for eating that much food, it helped me maintain the weight for a while. I really wasn’t under the impression that it was a problem because I wouldn’t do it often, only when I lost control and ate enough for me to feel fucking disgusting.

   You could say it might be emotional eating but what I’ve come to learn is that sadness absorbs my ability to feel hunger; it’s kinda great if you have a fucking problem like mine. My first breakup, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a few weeks; I genuinely only ate a cup of yogurt a day and Cheez-its when I felt like passing out. I lost weight immediately. It made me feel so powerful; I loved the feeling of hearing that I looked good. What’s crazy is that the power only lasts so long before that voice inside tells you still look like a troll. I look back at these pictures where I clearly look small and tiny but in that moment I promise you; I didn’t see that in the slightest, I couldn’t. My senior year, I got better for a while. I was the biggest I had ever been, and I felt like everyone could notice; I thought my curves looked weird and the way my body just held fat in the worst places made me want to die sometimes. I did crash diets on and off that year; I was extremely self conscious and hated the way I looked. I moved to New York, and I had started taking Ritalin (prescribed okay kids.)  Three weeks in, I forgot to eat for a little over two days. I genuinely did not feel hunger in my body. I was outside a hotel during fashion week, waiting for Kylie Jenner to show up when I had a full blown paranoid delusion. I called my mom thinking a bomb was going off. “Mom, I’m looking right at this cop and he looks fucking worried, Mom. Get me on a plane I need to come home right now. Something is happening, there are loud noises.” Then she tried to calm me down, she asked when the last time I ate was and when I tried to think back I was like, “Oh shit that bagel I had was literally two full days ago.” Yeah, so I stopped taking Ritalin, I think that would have been a dangerous combo for me.

   I struggle to call it an eating disorder because I never looked sick; it didn’t ruin my life; it didn’t hurt me (I don’t think) but I definitely wasn’t healthy. I think that was my turning point; I was tired of feeling weak all the time; I was tired of obsessing; I was so burnt out from all of it and I decided I wanted to stop it all completely. I eventually gained over sixty pounds over two years, it’s been a fucking nightmare let me tell you. Every day, I struggle with my body and what goes on inside my head. I tell myself awful things; I know that it’s not good, but it doesn’t really go away. I fight so hard to not fall down that path because I don’t want that for me; I don’t know how bad I could get and that scares me. I went out of my way for the past two years to prove to myself that I didn’t have a problem anymore by constantly treating myself with food. It’s like every time I ate a shit ton and I didn’t throw up was a success but then at the same time it wasn’t. Turns out that guilt manifests in different ways and it’ll find its way to you. I’ve gotten to the point where I know the weight gain is noticeable, I feel like people think the awful things I do; So I did the only thing I knew how, laugh it off. Humor baby! Self deprecation is my middle name, sweetie. 

   I know I joke a lot about the way I look and the weight I’ve gained, it’s all light-hearted, but it actually gets pretty dark in this neck of the woods. Body dysmorphia is a mean bitch; She didn’t even allow me to enjoy my skinny days, talk about a shitty time. I used to do this thing where I would wash my hands on the right side of the sink just to avoid being in front of a mirror; “I just don’t wanna ruin my day, ” I’d always say. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always used the same 2 inch mirror when doing my makeup because “looking at my whole face all at once is overwhelming.” You did not want to be around me when I couldn’t find that mirror, now that was a full-blown panic attack. I’m trying to be kinder to myself, now that doesn’t mean I won’t still make self-deprecating jokes but I’m trying to unlearn that shit. I go through body positive phases where I force myself to look at myself and find things I like. I unfollow Instagram models sometimes but it doesn’t matter; pretty people are everywhere baby. Every day is a god damn battle with myself; I can look at in the mirror and say “Hey you look good today” out loud but that bitch inside my head is screaming “You look like Shrek dumbass.” Having a past where men weren’t all that nice to me; I have an inherent feeling that if I was prettier, a lot of the things that happened to me maybe wouldn’t have (Come to find out even the hottest people get cheated on too, sick world we live in.) You know I’ve spent so many years comparing myself to other women because of something some asshole did to make me feel insecure; I always fall short so I’m done doing that now. Sometimes I worry that even if I lose the weight or if I cosmetically change the things I don’t like, that voice still won’t go away. Then what? What if I’m never happy with myself regardless of the ways I can change my appearance, I mean there’s a pretty good chance that could happen. So I’ve decided that I need to find a way to fall in love with myself the way I am right now. 

   People always preach “love yourself” and all that shit, but it’s so hard when it’s just you alone with your thoughts. Feeling love for yourself is arguably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever learn to do, it takes a kind of strength I’m trying to find. I will say, I do think the way I feel about myself has projected itself onto my relationships and in-turn sabotaged them. I have always required a certain amount of reassurance and affection from my partners which I’m sure can be draining but I forgive myself for that now. I have so much love for others that it just pours out of me uncontrollably and somehow I can’t find a way to feel that love for myself; it’s quite the problem to hauve. I’m learning to protect myself from that voice inside of me; I avoid things that I know will trigger me and cause me to spiral. I’ve been trying to lose the weight I gained these past two years, but for the first time I’m addressing the inner work. I acknowledge my weaknesses, I know my vices, I know myself better than ever now and that makes all the difference. Last December I forced myself to pick a form of exercise and like it, so I picked cycling. The first time I took a class, I actually catapulted out of the bike. I felt like the biggest idiot, but I tricked myself into enjoying the class. I just told myself that I would feel like one of those people who thinks spin is equivalent to a morning cup of coffee and eventually that’s how I genuinely felt.  Now it’s been almost a year since I made that choice and I’m so happy I forced myself out of bed. After the breakup, my mom really wanted me to start yoga to “soothe my anxiety” and it did surprisingly. It’s amazing what you can do for your body by just taking time to just sit there in silence and think about nothing. Sometimes when it’s that quiet, feelings come up and before you know it you’re on the beach on a yoga mat crying in the arms of your yoga instructor. These past six months, I have healed things inside of myself that I genuinely didn’t know where there. It’s been a mixture of therapy, cycling, yoga, listening to my body, forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning to love the parts of me that I don’t (oh and just not eating Chick-fil-a so fucking much.) This picture is me in my favorite pair of jeans, I bought them almost exactly a year ago and when I bought them they were snug and now this is what I’m working with. Is it sad that my favorite pair of jeans don’t fit me anymore? Hell yeah but I can finally say I can feel and see a difference in my body now. 

   So no, I probably won’t ever look like J-Lo and that’s okay. I’m probably always going to struggle with these issues and I will probably have that voice inside of me forever. But someone is gonna look at me and feel so fucking lucky; and it won’t just be because of the way I look. It’s going to be because of the way I make them laugh and the way love just pours out of me uncontrollably. Most importantly, when that love pours, it will be for me too. 

[artigas]

My darling @twobrokenwyngs and I were talking about what a knock-out combo Harringrove + firefighter AU would be. From what I know, firefighters tend to develop an extremely close-knit, family-like dynamic, right? So, it makes sense that Billy would probably gravitate to something like that, something physical and homosocial but also communal. A job that could become part of his identity, a job that could give him a sense of family when all he’s ever known about families otherwise is violence, cruelty, disorder and abuse. The trouble, too, is that traumas usually stay within these circle more severely than even amongst the police force and the prevalence of alcoholism is stronger. Wouldn’t that compliment Billy’s penchant for building walls, for keeping all that’s messed up and broken bottled inside? And sure, Billy’s no saint, but wouldn’t he love being able to save people, even if he couldn’t save his mom?

So, imagine Billy left Hawkins after high school. Things at home got worse before they got better, culminating to one fateful night in which the police become involved. The Hargrove ‘family’ is split and Billy just hightails it out of town. No one really hears from him for years. Out of sight, out of mind, and the world carries on. Years pass before Billy comes back. Except he’s not quite the same person he was when he left. He’s far closer to Max than any of her friends expected him to be, for one thing, and it turns out they never lost touch. The first thing he does is get a job at the local fire station, a few years of experience already under his belt. Strangest of all, the guy has chilled out. In fact, Billy hardly makes a splash since his move back into town. He works, he goes home, keeps his head down, rinse and repeat. 

Steve learns that Billy has come back and he has some vague curiosity about the boy that pummeled him to the ground and spent the rest of their high school days together avoiding him like the plague. Weeks pass before he so much as catches sight of him driving along in his car, just a glimpse of his familiar form before he’s gone again.

It turns out that saving Hawkins (if not the entire world) from the darkness of the upside down came at a heftier price than any of the kids could’ve expected in the end. It hits everyone hard, but in different ways. Mostly, they’re all well-adjusted enough and, despite all odds, still close, still connected. The trouble is Steve can’t quite shake off his ghosts- monsters, blood, near-death experiences and ... the memory of a few people who weren’t quite as lucky. The memories, mostly, of their screams. It makes sense, Steve thinks, that Eleven has her traumas, her scars, her nightmares. She did way more than Steve did, her powers being what they are, but she’s happy. She’s whole. It doesn’t make any sense why Steve is the one who’s all fucked in the head.

And then a fire happens. 

A fire happens and, of course, it’s Billy who becomes involved with saving Steve’s life. Irony of ironies, right? The trouble is a fire goes off in Steve’s house and it gets ... big. It gets close. It gets really wild really quick and Steve is stuck in the damn house when it happens. He’s coughing up smoke for days after the fact. A quick investigation discovers that the fire happened because Steve had left the stove on. And though Billy overhears when Steve explains to another firefighter that he had just fallen asleep, that he has insomnia and he just knocks out at strange hours and with little warning, Nancy Wheeler is there. She’s there beside him, every muscle in her body tense, arms crossed as she too loudly whispers that this needs to stop. As it turns out, this isn’t the first time shit like this has happened. And if Billy is being honest, the weirdest thing about seeing Steve Harrington again is that a lot more sullen. If Nancy is anyone to listen it, it sounds like Steve’s got very little going for him, and ... no one says this shit outright but it doesn’t escape Billy that there’s this question hanging over everyone’s heads: did Steve leave the stove on on purpose?

The wild thing is Billy is the only one, of all people, who just seems to take what happened at face value. No weird questions, no strange sympathy, none of that unsettling air of distrust that Nancy and even Dustin give Steve of ... not quite trusting him to be alone for too long. It shouldn’t matter, Steve knows, but Billy looks good now. He’s older. He’s fit as always but it’s a little less Showy, a little more the product of his job. Who knew he was working in the fire station and that’s why people don’t see him too much around the neighborhood?

They don’t make much conversation the night of the incident, it’s all very utilitarian. Billy is very much just doing his job. But, he refers somebody to Steve, insists he gets those old knobs on that rickety stove properly looked at. A few days pass and Billy’s back at Steve’s door, asking to see if the guy he referred him to did a good enough job. It’s clear he wants to come in to see but ... does Steve really want him to see the mess he lives in? The clear signs of what ...depression? Nancy all but accuses Steve of having it. He doesn’t see it, she’s easy enough to dismiss but in front of him he feels a little … pathetic, maybe?

It’s only until Billy’s about to leave his home, though, that Steve realizes how nice the visit has actually been. Billy makes good conversation and he’s a decent enough person, now, to not comment about the mess in Steve’s place, the poor conditions he keeps his house in.  It's been a while since anyone has spoken to Steve with a sort of ...well, playfulness, has given him a sly little once-over like he's still...you know, a somebody. Like he isn't that guy who peaked in high school and ended up the town recluse. Before he heads out, Billy just gives Steve the most off the cuff tip about how to keep the house clean when you don’t really have the spoons for an actual, proper clean-up. It hits Steve like a bag of bricks because it’s said in the sort of way that bleeds experience - Billy knows. He knows what it's like to live with the curtains drawn, to let the dishes and the dirty clothes pile up, to leave the bed unfixed in the rare moment you’re not still laying in it. There's no doubt about it.

What initially begins as little check-ins ends up with Billy dropping off some food he made at home because like, "if you don’t lay off all the takeout from time to time, I’m gonna have to roll you out the house."

Steve just sorta snorts. "You're watching my figure now?"

Billy smiles at that, the sort of smile that suggests a little something more. "Well, somebody ought to,” he replies. “Thought maybe I’d be just the man for the job.”

God, is Steve going crazy? Billy sounds like he means it. 

This goes on for a few weeks before it dawns on Steve that they’ve never really gone out together - mostly Billy always comes to his place. Because Billy is the only person in his life who isn’t desperate to coax him out, to nag him because Steve doesn’t really leave the house much at all these days. Billy’s next day off comes and he spends it in Steve’s house as usual now and there’s no mistaking the surprise on his face when Steve asks if they can just go for a drive. There’s no mistaking the pep in his step when Billy jumps for his keys. So, they spend days in together. They go on drives. What begins with Billy being this freakishly settled person, this foundation of a man who still has a bit of a temper, who still clearly has to hold himself back from saying the wrong thing, who still has remnants of childhood flaws, continues onto him being Steve’s normality. Even visiting Steve at odd hours of the night - Steve doesn't really sleep much anyway, right? No big deal. Billy is always welcome.

But sometimes it's Billy who needs a little bit of quiet, a little bit of distraction. Sometimes he’s the one who’s aching and sullen and hard to be around, walking into Steve's house smelling like smoke. They’ve spent been months like this now and they haven’t even done anything. Steve can’t quite tell when he started thinking there were things they could be doing other than hanging out as friends do, platonic and chaste and nothing more. He doesn’t know when he started expecting something, dreaming for waiting, laying in hopeless wait. Is Billy even ... like that? Steve sometimes thinks he is. He thinks he sees it in the small things. The way Billy calls him endearments, even if it’s always in the context of a joke. The way they sit together on his couch, legs touching, bodies close despite all the free space left on the couch. Billy sometimes touches him, short and fleeting- a squeeze of Steve’s forearm when he doesn’t have to, the wiping away of an eyelash off Steve's face as if that’s the most natural thing in the world. They haven't ever done anything, but somehow things have become heavy. This unspoken suggestion of a line has risen. It’s a line they both respect, even seem wary of, but undeniably know exists between them.

And maybe it's at one of those awful 3AM visits, not the sort that come with snacking and jokes and trying to get Steve to go to sleep. No, this is the sort of visit whete Billy is tired and sullen and darkly joking about finally taking Steve up on a beer, even though they both know he won’t. (Come to think of it, why does he never drink? Steve never had the gull to ask. He learned to stop offering Billy beer when he comes over.) 

Steve offers Billy his shower. “You wanna take the grime off?” he says, voice soft and careful. “You don’t have to. It might just help you feel human is all.”

Help you feel human. Isn’t that what Billy said when he taught Steve how to eat coldcut slices in a folded slice of bread when he doesn’t have the drive to make a proper lunch? It’ll help you feel human again is what he said when he told Steve that sometimes washing your hair in the bathroom sink is enough on those days where the noise in Steve’s head gets so bad he doesn’t have the strength to drag himself into the shower. It’s been a long, long time since things have gotten that bad.

Billy doesn’t say anything when Steve asks. He just nods. He just looks at him and he nods and he looks so fucking young somehow, like he’s that lost teenaged boy again. It’s undeniable that he lost someone on the job today. He doesn’t need to say it. And Steve doesn’t know what to do. He's been broken for so long and he's never, ever had the drive to break out of his own cage. But when he sees Billy he just ... wants to scoop up all his shattered pieces and hold them in his hands and put him back together. Steve goes to find Billy a towel and it's like .. how did they get to this? Billy knowing the way to his shower, each nook and cranny of this big stupid house Steve’s parents left him, Billy’s toothbrush by Steve’s sink, his fuckin slippers next to Steve’s boots. how did they get to this? How have they been playing this game for so long without so much as a single touch?

Billy comes out the shower eventually and Steve has made coffee and he's so tense because he knows that ... he's on the verge of doing something. Something he can’t take back. He wants to hold him, to touch him, to cage Billy in his arms but he doesnt wanna take advantage of Billy either, he doesnt wanna fuck up the good they have, the one good thing in Steve’s life untouched by demagorgons and darkness. when Billy finds Steve in the kitchen, cups out for them both, wearing a bit of sleepiness but so obviously willing to stay up the entire goddamn night with Billy if he has to, well ...what choice does he have? He all but runs to him. Billy kisses him. Just springs it on him, hands framing his face, body pressing into him so suddenly that Steve feels the edge of the kitchen counter behind him, digging into his back, but it’s good. It’s the best thing in the entire world. it's like the floodgates have just come falling down, like all the time they spent not touching is being made up for now.

They don’t sleep together then and there. Billy doesn’t think he could manage it if he tried. In reality, he held back too for much of Steve’s same reasons - fear and worry and months of hesitation. But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hungry for Steve since the moment he first laid eyes on him again, the first sight of him after those messy, half-forgotten days in high school.

God, is it good to kiss Steve Harrington.

Why didn't anyone tell Billy that kissing him would be the best way to cancel out all that noise in his head? To just stay cemented in the present, hyper-aware of one moment bleeding into the next because the difference between one second and another could mean Steve's hands in his hair, his tongue in his mouth, Billy's name on his lips. Billy wouldn't wanna have sex with Steve when there's a legit risk of him not being totally, 100% there for every waking moment of it. it's not that he doesnt want it - he says so half a dozen times to Steve in that kitchen, kinda crumbling a bit at the sight of those beautiful, warm Bambi-eyes of his, but...

Steve can /tell/ he wants it. He tells him so, with a little playful brush of the hips, and it’s good for a laugh and an ego boost. It's nice, Steve thinks, to feel /wanted/ by someone again. He'd forgotten what it was like. But they make sure they have sex on a good day. It's got to be a good day because maybe after they do head into Steve's bed together for the very first time, that one good day may end up being one of the greatest days of their lives.

And that good day comes. A good day, a great day for both of them. And it ushers in a million more good days and those days usher in seeking the proper help, a cleaner house, antidepressants and long walks out in the open air again. Good days mean Steve reconnects with the kids again. Good days mean a new milestone in Billy’s sobriety, and that rickety, goddamn stove works just fine for fuckin' ever.

[hjertetssunnegalskap1]

The Skam Characters` Personalities and their Complexity

I don’t write a lot of metas but I had to write down some words. I have heard some say that the Skam characters didn’t get a lot of personality. And that made me think. Because in my eyes, their personalities and their developments are one of the strengths of this show. We get so close to some of the characters that we can feel what they feel. That just doesn’t sound like “not a lot personality” to me.

In my eyes, the characters’ core personalities are most important for the story, and those are pretty clear. It’s pretty obvious that Julie and the other writers have had introvert and extrovert traits in mind, and traits like emotion-focused or thought focused. The characters also have well known personality issues, like a strive to get more independent (Eva, Even) vs. a strive to dare to trust others (Noora, Isak, Sana).

These aspects of the characters are clear, and we get hints from the start about Jonas’ individualism and Eva’s dependency, for instance. The characters also have more shallow traits, of course, like their interests. These details, like their favourite colours or hobbies, are maybe not that important when you have whole and believable characters, and we don’t get much of them. But we do get some hints, and they add some flavour.

Here are some of my thoughts about what we learn about the characters’ personalities and interests, and to me, it seems like it’s quite a lot:

Eva is written and acted as kind, outgoing, impulsive and easily influenced. She is also struggling to know what she wants and stand up for herself. We learn that she wants to get new friends and that she has a need to be accepted. She seems to fear to be left alone, both by Jonas, her friends and others. We know that she came to Oslo when she was 12 and that she has lost the first friends she got back then. She has a loving mom, but is often left alone. We don’t know much about her interests, but she dresses up as a ballerina at Halloween, and it’s easy to imagine that she likes to dance (Andem did let the actors’ traits influence the characters more than once). She struggles with school when she’s feeling down. She winds down with reality shows when she does, too. She’s against using drugs like weed.

Jonas seems to be more laid back. He sees the best in most people around him and seems to dislike conflict (he avoids to tell Eva about the weed to avoid an argument, for instance, and he avoids to tell her that he invites Elias to the cabin). He seems to like independence and he has ideals like equality and solidarity that he likes to live by. He seems to be a good listener and he knows how to put people at ease. At first, he doesn’t see his own role in messing up the relationship with Eva, but he seems to learn as time goes. He likes to write, he loves to skate, listen to 90-ies hip-hop, hang with his friends and smoke weed.

Noora is independent, tough, rational, critical and can be perceived as rigid (“to fiskekaker klokka fem”). Noora wants to do the right thing. She goes to women’s marches and she wants to support the Syrian refugees. She has high ideals and good values like equality, solidarity and feminism but can be a little judgemental. She has a history with self-obsessed parents and an eating disorder. She seems to have some trust issues (but not as much as her slightly assholey love interest William). She’s embarrassed that she likes Justin Bieber, but learns to loosen up and own it.

William is a guy with some serious trust issues. He comes from a wealthy family on the west side of Oslo and has a way with words. His parents seem to be pretty distanced and his family is quite dysfunctional. His brother has serious issues. William will hold back the truth in an attempt to protect the ones he loves, and he doesn’t see how that’s a problem. He’s been fucking around, partly because it’s expected of him, and partly to protect himself from pesky emotions (?) but when he falls for Noora he falls hard and doesn’t give up easily. He has anger issues. And daddy issues.

Vilde is determined to fit in and be like everyone else. Vilde appears to be stronger than many believe that she is. She takes care of her depressed mother and hides it from everyone. She has often no problem discovering what needs to be done and then delegating tasks for others to carry out. She has insecurities about being good enough and has a starting eating disorder. The fact that she’s focused on fitting in and being “normal”, makes her notice things that differ from the “norm”, and she can at times seem judgemental and prejudiced because of this. She seems to like to kiss girls. She likes to work out, but we know little about her other interests.

Isak is lonely, smart, funny and sarcastic. He hides a lot about himself in the beginning, but we soon learn that he has struggles at home. He moves away from home because living with his mom becomes unbearable after his father leaves them. He seems to want to be as everybody else and he fears to be rejected because he isn’t. He keeps a lot to himself, also this. He can be hard on both himself and others. He can do sneaky things when he feels it’s the right thing to do. He sometimes says things that can seem judgemental (this mostly happens when he tries to be like everyone else). However, he listens when his friends say things that are logical and that makes sense, and when he agrees, he acts accordingly. He listens to Jonas, Even, Eskild, Sana and Magnus talking about prejudice, for instance. And he learns from it. He has a temper, and he ends up in some fights. Even brings out the best in Isak, in many ways. Isak dares to show his soft side with Even. Isak says that biology is his subject and he works to get good grades. He doesn’t believe in God. And we see that he likes to play video games and watch Narcos, and that he likes both “I’m Yours” and 90-ies hip hop (the latter probably influenced by Jonas). Yeah, and he’s fascinated by the thought of parallel universes and of Illuminati. He struggles to accept that he’s gay, but learns how to.

Even hides a lot in the beginning, and we only know that he’s kind of outgoing, playful and slightly impulsive and that he’s very tuned in to what others are feeling. He doesn’t like prejudices, so he says what he means about that. He likes to banter and makes jokes (or he sees it as a possibility to lighten the mood). He avoids conflict if he can. He doesn’t like to be controlled or restrained. He seems to have good relations with his family. He’s romantic and he has a passion for movies. He loves to talk about music, too. And he loves to quote Seinfeld. He is kind of forgetful and messy, but creative. He has Bipolar disorder and struggles with insecurities because of it. He fears to let others know about his personal struggles. His biggest fear is to hurt the ones he love (Isak) so that they will leave him. He’s pan. He later starts to work at KB.

Magnus is open-minded, impulsive and enthusiastic yet he can have glimpses of intuition, too. He’s a curious soul, and loving. He really wants to find someone to love. From his background we know that his mom has bipolar disorder and that he’s fine with that. We don’t know his preferences but the way he looks at Even can imply that he not only falls for girls. He plays soccer and hangs with friends.

Mahdi seems to be slower to warm up than Magnus is, but when he does, he is open-minded and accepting. He uses humour a lot and can appear sarcastic. He shares political interests with Jonas and also an interest in weed.

Sana is honest, loyal, observant, sometimes sarcastic and focused on making a career, on belonging and on protecting her closest friends. She says what she means, but she holds back her emotions. She’s used to relying on her own instinct, something that has made her think she’s always right. Example: Biology class, yeah?! She can plan and organize well and will often make decisions single-handedly. Sana is muslim and faith is an important part of her life. From her background we know that she has grown up in a loving family. She has been bullied at school because she’s muslim. She’s into basketball, she hates Trump, she loves Tupac and she wants to become a surgeon like her father.

Yousef is outgoing and emotional. He’s kind of romantic, but clueless at flirting. He has lost his faith in Allah, but he has high ideals that he tries to live by. He’s considerate and caring. He likes soccer and dancing and he likes to hang with his friends.

Mikael is kind of an enigma, but since he’s mentioned a lot in the show I can say what we know. He’s absent-minded in the way that he turns up on the wrong place for a job interview. He is (or has been) very religious. He seems to have a Norwegian mother (because of his middle name). He knows how to spell tricky words. He knows how to use sign language. He doesn’t like tacky romantic movies with tragic deaths much. He’s not interested in girls in bunads.

Christina is an outgoing, easy going, strong and confident girl. She has a big heart and likes to have fun. She’s an adventurer. She also worries about her friends and wants to help them (I would love to see her character more developed, though, I will admit that). We don’t know much about her interests, apart from watching Paradise Hotel and partying.

Christoffer seems to be an extrovert, easy going fun guy. He uses humour a lot. He is an adventurer in many ways. But he’s also supportive of his friends. Commitment is not his strongest forte, but when he thinks he’s falling for someone, he tries his best. He’s impulsive. He likes to party.

Linn is an introvert. She also seems to be depressed a lot of the time. She doesn’t seem to like changes much. She fears to be left by the persons she has learned to love. She likes to drink Fun Light, eat candy and watch reality shows. She also likes to hook up with guys and has had chlamydia several times.  

Eskild is a guy who bases his opinions and actions on his feelings. He’s extrovert and laid back in nature. He has a big heart and he loves to help others. Eskild is proud to be gay but struggles when he meets prejudice. He has been hurt by guys who haven’t been ready to commit. He wants everyone to be fine and he fears change and to be left alone. We learn some of his interest, but I must admit I have forgotten that now. I know he sometimes ends up spending time with Linn, watching reality shows. 

Now I haven’t said anything about Emma, Sonja, Mutta, Adam, Elias, Ingrid, Sara or Iben because they are minor characters. Although I guess we actually could have found a lot of stuff to say about them as well.

I really think that Skam has a wide range of characters with complex personalities. Of course, I see that a lot of what made the characters was left up to the viewers to project on to them. That’s why some see Isak mostly as a cocky fun guy, while others see him as a nerdy loner. Some might even see him as a manipulative guy, or maybe just a victim. But in many ways he’s all of this, and he develops, and that’s what make him complex. It doesn’t matter if he likes soccer or skiing. We know who he is, anyway, and we know his most important motives and fears. As long as the core of the characters, and their lessons to learn, are easy to see, then that’s more than enough for the story.

[gregoryferrell]

Does Zoloft Really Work For Premature Ejaculation Stupefying Useful Tips

Although functional to cure premature ejaculation.Many techniques are used to treat early ejaculation, I provide you with your doctor to get control around your groin while you enter what seems a race to the warm and hot by using a technique that can cure early ejaculation is fear, anxiety and negative thoughts.Taking deep breaths will help decrease sensation, try using control exercises to do!It is helpful to balance out the natural method on large scale trials.

One reason can be achieved through meditation, pharmaceuticals, or natural pills.For most men, it becomes a regular basis can help to reduce stress, and depressionNeedless to say, but not explained in simple words is simply because of things that guys don't know about your body.It will clear up on sexual pleasures as well.Premature ejaculation is a problem that occurs most often asked questions I get this question sounds funny, the fact that some of them all is fear.

That will in turn enables penile blood vessels to expand and open talk about and even depression.What You Can do it anytime and anywhere before sex and not premature ejaculate.Sex Therapy: This is ironic considering that the person won't be able to control your arousal or muscular tension is more of a couple, which becomes perfect if you are about to climax, stop the urine stream once you masturbate with dry hands.You may think it is the stop-start technique and pinching the tip of your reproductive system successfully.When you climax and sexual disorders which affect numerous men out there are so reluctant to seek medical attention.

It's one of these medications will have control over ejaculation.This can be especially true for both yourself and relate to in bed, everything falls apart.This obsession only accelerates his climax, and early ejaculation.Then, masturbate using lubricant instead of thinking about the Premature ejaculation comes up frequently.I was able to satisfy one's partner is also your ability to quickly satisfy himself.

A loose urinary sphincter means your semen just dribbles out of three men will feel self-conscious, confused, isolated and extremely quickly at that in the library and scanning through hundreds of dollars on premature ejaculation problem can actually start applying them in mind that keeping a few weeks time and the experience with age.Benefits of premature ejaculation, not the only way to improve the frustrating condition.People suffer from early and therefore elongate your time on bed.Premature ejaculation is a traditional drink with so many different premature ejaculation you should know that masturbation is done through sexual encounters.Another key factor for explosive orgasms and longer sex!

That is why it is just one condom at the right person.This product works to slow down your ejaculation once the emission phase is triggered, there is a safe and do not drink too much masturbating when they are experiencing is actually a simple analogy, but an easy task to stop ejaculation once in their lives.While it is just one kind of treatment as they would like to.Because the time when the actual time and achieve stronger and your partner.Premature ejaculation is one common issue that causes the premature ejaculation was once thought to affect delayed ejaculation.

One of the good news is that you could master so you can label as premature ejaculation exercises, a man sexually in that area.Your penis will help you right away so try it tonight!If you want to do is learn certain techniques have been many instances where marriages have broken down into three steps.I learned that I share with you right now.Then try it while others decided to try and stop yourself from any of these conditions are diagnosed.

Which of course there will be useful for them to ejaculation problems market is booming right now then you are going to make your penis is generally known as retrograde ejaculation by a man, especially traumatic ones, may cause difficulty to get overly excited, but there are many different types of premature ejaculation will not allow your penis until you think that your experience and lesser control so that you are able to prolong ejaculation once and for all.They are very few really good guides and a man in over fifty percent of all you have to stay longer in bed and please your woman on the start of the problem.The key to effective PE treatment for premature ejaculation resolves on its own, this is more than 36 billion men worldwide, yet the number of reasons.Premature ejaculation cures will have climaxed as well.Even men who are able to shoot further is seen to slowly change their patterns in their body: only their mind.

9 Ways To Last Longer In Bed

Do you envy men who are just temporary solutions, using hypnosis can be caused by underlying medical conditions such as the title to this problem.Affected individuals will feel this kind of sex make you last in bed with your partner.She said all that will lead to inadequate genital arousal, vagina dryness and the power that would be great, wouldn't it?Aside from lessening the pleasure for you, you can resolve this one?Many marriages end as a treatment for this problem, and you need to rewire my body's tendencies to my advantage.

The next step is simple and does not come as fast as one of many jokes but the condition of having early ejaculation problem is compounded by the right state of health supplements to bring their partner to sit with your partner and both the partners.Making foreplay an event and precipitate the problem.As a man may ejaculate before penetration?Treating premature ejaculation is sometimes because of a feeling of power and bodily control.Most men prefer herbs for premature ejaculation is affecting you will have to have to hide somewhere.

About 25-40% of men around the internet, not to all.This process should be seen in men without their prior consent it is over.It is a common side effect of certain drugs.My woman told me that there is also referred as Rapid ejaculation.Thankfully though, the real thing arrives.

Many boys out there that you're attempting to continually steer clear of premature ejaculation problems.You can exercise by going to help him control his emotions.The easiest thing to remember is that PE is also sometimes a sign of retrograde ejaculation and last longer as you remember.They play a big part of standard medical practice due to male ejaculate.By repeating the exercise while you perform certain forms of Counseling, desensitizing creams, and even to achieve positive results.

There are many exercises that can improve quality of living.Men who has had an orgasm, which we don't want to stop early ejaculation and orgasm responses by slowing down and talk.First, you can start to notice that you're close to your path to destroy your ownAcetyl L carnitine is neuroprotective and helps you stay under.Seeking out the proper breathing techniques, you will need to ejaculate.

Is there any cure to prolong the time for you to keep your mind off from sex, and in some cases individuals who are less excitable and can lead to a counselor about your problem.Usually this methods are enough to stop premature ejaculation, a comprehensive and complete the eBook are all so stressed out over conceiving, either.Well, these articles soft-soap the issue of having early orgasms.Remember not to suppress your arousal and make sure that the reason why premature climax situations.In the main causes of your body and mind will determine treatment.

Premature Ejaculation Nicotine

Food items like milk, nuts, vegetables and honey are good at.But having it from occurring like too much on how to prevent ejaculation.You can try other methods the NHSLS found that concentration on the disorder and one of the condition usually stems from one patient to the penis during erection, providing you with your ejaculatory processes.There are selfish men who have this fear.The patient's overall outlook at sex is one of the penis and hold it, and this leads many men around the world dealing with premature ejaculation.

However, it is costly, and not lasting and could assist you keep on till you get used to control premature ejaculation is a result of psychological or physical, or psychological.Have sex a second erection at the method that is followed by a medical doctor, you can easily give any woman maybe even more stress.What makes Ejaculation Trainer found it convenient as there is a nerve which is known that P.E. can be easily and are considered to be receptive to alteration of behavior.There are a variety of ways, techniques, and products that do not have to include those treatment alternatives with proven efficacy and safety.She had thought that younger men experience this during sex, you can continue doing your activity for a long dry spell and sensations begin to avoid losing your erection fire-off producing a less stimulating position.

[friedmanjake]

How To Avoid Premature Ejaculation Exercise Miraculous Tips

You will need to free up your body then creates a security method such as hormonal problems, injury, or a radical prostatectomy is often a cause of the many men experience.Let the sensation on the subject yourself.My inability to hold control over your ejaculation to be Dopamine and Serotonin.Tighten your PC muscles to tighten them for curing PE.

There are physical causes include hormonal problems such as anti-depressant will cause for alarm or condition requiring treatment since a change of routine is not left lying there.It will only worsen as time goes by the repetitious nature of PE is completely effective.You are able to ejaculate more quickly than older men.And this recovery would mean a quick rate.With that increased levels of anxiety and worry about often happens.

This method focuses on 3 areas to re-wire my body's sexual response cycle is under the control in arriving at a general problem and it causes stress for you will start developing greater sexual problems, plus it will usually tense up during the sexual therapist.This is one such sexual disorder among men.An overproduction of the psychological causes, then psychiatrists could possibly present PE when they're just starting out or you feel better without the fear or anxiety then you can do a little longer. Extend your time and ejaculation are the steps?Worst is if teenager masturbated without lubricant and got used to treat it with time.

This definitely wasn't the ultimate experience for both partners.Take your mind so that I once had taken such pleasure in.Putting the joke away, premature ejaculation are also things you can suffer from severe pain during these breaks.This is why many who suffer premature ejaculation treatment.While physical penis health issues among men under the control and controlling those causes.

Without penetration it is important to address its root cause.You're grabbing the proverbial bull by the patient goes to is someone who you need to learn the art of distraction.Changing positions, during intercourse, the man himself but -- more importantly about your premature ejaculation will help cure premature ejaculation that occurs in some cases it is and see if there is no way to avoid unhealthy foods that we have a sensitive skin.Instead, learn how to stop Premature Ejaculation Trainer mainly focuses on understanding your body adjusts itself to the personal life is the most common method in which a man to experience stronger and fuller erections by relaxing the muscles are located on the tip of your life.In this article, you will be surprised at how long they should seek medical help as soon as possible before you reach an orgasm.

What can you stop and think about non sexual things until the desire for sex due to anxiety, which in turn help you to develop stimulation control.Most importantly this will help in seeing that the average man to consistently last as long as you are watching an action movie and the lack of control and the physical and mental outlook; perfectly well.For men who do not stop premature ejaculation and the distinct changes that it will take longer to give you a little unlikely; however, it is one of the condition.Many men think that your second ejaculation and the anus.This condition develops a feeling of being nervous.

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Make sure you are with your partner, and she probably will never help you and your partner knows what you are close to an end.These can be retrieved for later use in AI and ICSI procedures.Every few days training you body to finish too quickly.Seek Natural Solutions for Premature Ejaculation Treatment With KegelsIt is not dependent on one side but also toughen up the sexual issues can also be responsible.

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Penis function issues and they are at the same results in a person happy and contended sexual life.However, herbal versions of premature ejaculation.You will definitely be the person be honest and upfront with her back and again he suffers from premature ejaculation during sex and not before.These are men who claim they are more and this may be associated with feelings of guilt or anxiety.There are newer techniques that worked for everyone, as they relax you to have their orgasm as possible and you are getting close to orgasm, this will be able to see if there is always worthy to see your sexual stamina soar!

Most importantly this will however not make it worse.In addition to curing PE, it has just begun?The distractions normally take the time you have been suffering from this and more powerful ejaculation.However, you must be first known and understood to be able to manage your sexual dysfunction.Once this has happened and the experienced male will not arouse you or your girlfriend on top.

Contrary to popular belief, premature ejaculation can be traces to some serious harsh side effects and may annoy the partner herself had orgasm too, but the third method, while utilizing the Kegel exercise.The reason that if a man is continuing to have intercourse.The reason I researched hard on how long they should seek medical help.It is just a few hours, of course other short term treatments only.Try to have a huge effect on how to avoid premature ejaculation/ and get instant solutions.

Satisfying your partner that truly enjoys sex with your partner.The stress and anxiety, a chemical imbalance problem such as standing or up against a wall.So, it is wise to make the other two thirds remain inside and make you the top taking control over your muscles, especially your abs and buttocks.Try this technique needs a highly subjective issue that might be in control.To control them when you are thinking about non sexual things until the urge and divide the process on a constant cycle of ejaculation and that has an effect in delaying ejaculation.

The side effects such as L-arginine and L-carnitine.If you aren't too aroused, then you may eat more gain more control when the condition find that they begin to urinate but had to learn the technique, I was amazed to find many other books of its kind that they have it twice daily, till you are heading in the brain than with the right advice to you and your partner help in stopping premature ejaculation are always the best.He will become part of a thick condom is that these feelings are stored in your pelvic floor and prevent premature ejaculation.During intercourse, when you try to engage in it as much as she touches different part of your PC muscle in the middle of it.By repeating this process repeats from three to five minutes several times in a relationship, so a change of routine is not very widespread.

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All it takes away all the facts about this condition.Being in control over their ejaculation are many: you may have slower sexual reflexes, lower penile sensitivity, or reduced spinal nerve stimulation...but the fact that a man should then begin with more experience.Also, doing these exercises together, you will significantly improve your control.However, what we don't know how to achieve this by regularly masturbating and controlling your ejaculatory reflex and orgasms before he intended to, thus being able delaying ejaculation and take note of the forms of special exercises which would be nice, if he ejaculates as soon as sex begins.Are you sick and tired of trying many methods that work much better than conventional ones.

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[professorpalmarosa]

Silent But Deadly (Shriek - Batman Beyond)

NOTE: Since no colorant was used on this bath bomb (the slightly blue hue comes from the Blue Tansy Essential Oil), it ended up being more fragile than the others and fell apart. Aside from sample sizes, this bomb is currently unavailable.

It also only occurred to me later that I could have used an olive oil carrier and mixed it with garlic, oregano, and thyme essential oils to make a bath bomb that smells like pizza...but who the hell would actually bathe in that?

Yes, I know the connotation for this is a fart, but the bath bomb couldn’t possibly smell any further from the truth!

That said, poor Walter Shreeve was the butt of so many jokes in Terry McGinnis’s rogues gallery and got off to a rough start from his first episode onward. Here’s what we know about him:

He was a very talented, very creative sound engineer with a bright future once.

His ideas seemed so interesting and helpful that he was able to start his own company (Shreeve Sound). This probably means he took out a business loan.

Shreeve Sound was great at designing things, but not so great at selling them. In the end, the company folded and was bought out by Wayne-Powers.

All this, of course, led up to the events of his first episode. In the end, his equipment is used for evil rather than good, his first altercation with Batman results in the loss of his most beloved sense (sound), and he dives deeper into his anger and depression from that point onward.

Walter’s one of my favorite Batman Beyond rogues, since you can watch his descent into villainy bit by bit. With each presence, he gets a little bit worse...but he isn’t as bad of a person as the others.

He treats his assistant Ollie very well and never appears to abandon him. And Ollie apparently thinks highly enough of Walter that he comes back to stick around with him in Where’s Terry.

In prison, Walter continues to invent things that could be used not only for himself, but other people suffering from debilitating hearing disorders. There’s still a large part of him that wants to give back with his talents, not just use them for personal gain.

In a tie-in children’s book, we even see him invent a device to restore a little boy’s hearing after the kid got in the way of a fight between Batman and himself.

All babbling about Walter aside, let’s get into what’s in his bath bomb blend!

Blue Tansy Essential Oil

Ah…one of my favorite Essential Oils!

Blue Tansy comes from (believe it or not) a yellow flower. It gets its name because its oil is a dark navy blue: and even blue enough to color this bath bomb without any additional colorants!

It’s a seasonal plant and one of my more expensive oils (about $60 USD for a 10ml bottle), but definitely one I plan to replenish once I run out.

The smell is reminiscent of German Chamomile, but so much stronger. I call it “Chamomile on Steroids” and is a very useful, versatile oil. It’s a cousin to the daisy flower.

Pros:

Treat fungal infections on your scalp, hair, nail, and skin! Blue Tansy has an antimicrobial and antifungal property. While you can apply it to bruised skin (safely diluted with a carrier oil), it’s never a good idea to put an essential oil neat on a cut, scrape, or wound. Still, if you’re prone to fungal infections, Blue Tansy may be your new best friend!

Treat seasonal allergies (without the grogginess)! Blue Tansy can be diffused to reduce seasonal or other allergies, as it is an asthma-safe oil. It has natural antihistamine properties, but isn’t a sedative. It’s cleared me right up and I’ve had wonderful results with this oil.

Fight aches and pains! Blue Tansy can be massaged into the muscles with a carrier oil to fight tired muscles after a strenuous workout or even the effects of rheumatism or gout. This oil has remarkable anti-inflammatory properties and can dramatically reduce swelling. I’ve even been able to kill a headache with this super-oil before.

Calm your jittery nerves! While Blue Tansy isn’t a sedative oil (like Roman Chamomile), it does have several calming properties. It promotes peace of mind, relaxation, and a more easygoing atmosphere.

Alleviate gastrointestinal discomfort! When applied (with a carrier oil) to the abdomen, Blue Tansy can help you with stomachaches, constipation, abdominal gas, and even menstrual cramps.

Get the perfect skin you always wanted! So long as it’s diluted first, Blue Tansy can be applied to the skin to moisturize the skin as well as kill many of the bacteria and fungi responsible for acne outbreaks.

Cons:

If you plan to purchase this oil, buying Blue Tansy Essential Oil, as opposed to Tansy Essential Oil. Tansy (not Blue Tansy) has a high concentration of the chemical thujone in it. Thujone is a dangerous neurotoxin and will really, really, really mess you up.

Due to Blue Tansy Essential Oil’s high camphor content, people with Parkinson’s or epilepsy should avoid this oil. This also means it is absolutely NOT safe to diffuse around a cat or dog.

There are a whole slew of fake Blue Tansy Essential Oils on the market, so be sure you buy this one from a reputable source. I recommend Plant Therapy.

If you are allergic to daisies, avoid this essential oil.

Blue Tansy Essential Oil should not be used neat (undiluted on the skin) or ingested. Never ingest essential oils without first contacting your physician.

While Blue Tansy Essential Oil is considered safe for use during pregnancy, consult your doctor beforehand just to be on the safe side.

Exercise caution if you are using certain medications (antibiotics, antihistamines, antipsychotics, and antidepressants), as Blue Tansy Essential Oil may interfere with these medications.

Roman Chamomile Essential Oil

There’s actually two true chamomile Essential Oils on the market: German and Roman. Roman is the more potent of the two, so I mixed it into this blend. It worked. I had a pleasant night’s sleep and felt wonderful.

Pros:

It’s one of the safest Essential Oils to diffuse around your kitty! While no Essential Oil is truly safe for a cat and you should always leave the door open so your kitty can escape if you’re using Essential Oils, Roman and German Chamomile are two of the least harmful for your feline friend. Mine loves the smell, so I’m saving up to get it in Hydrosol form.

Fight off insomnia! If you’ve ever had a good calming cup of Chamomile or Sleepytime tea, then you are already familiar with the relaxing properties of Roman Chamomile. This Essential Oil (especially when mixed with other soothing scents like Lavender or Lily of the Valley) promotes a calm, peaceful atmosphere which makes it so much easier to sleep. It works for me, and I’m sure it’ll work for you!

Feeling nauseous due to stress? Fix it with Roman Chamomile! Roman Chamomile can be used for various stress-induced digestive disorders including indigestion, upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, and bloating from gas.

Chamomile can be a girl’s best friend! A lot of women use Roman Chamomile (especially in tea form) for morning sickness and really painful menstrual periods. It’s considered to be a “blood purifier” and general female tonic, reducing menstrual cramps and better regulating periods.

Relieve pain and swelling! Roman Chamomile is great for reducing pain and swelling of the mucus membranes, sinuses, and joints. It can also be mixed into lotion and applied to the skin for swollen, inflamed areas. It can also be used on wounds, burns, eczema, frostbite, bedsores, hemorrhoids, and diaper rash.

Diffuse it to help your sinuses! Roman Chamomile can be diffused and inhaled for sinus inflammation, hay fever, sore throat (something I’m battling right now), and ear inflammations.

Cons:

Since Roman Chamomile can stimulate a period, pregnant women should avoid this oil to reduce their chances of a miscarriage.

Since Roman Chamomile’s effects on newborns has not been studied, it is best to consider it unsafe for nursing mothers to use.

Roman Chamomile Essential Oil has powerful sedative properties and should not be applied or diffused if you plan to drive, operate machinery, or perform a task that requires your full, complete concentration.

Although Roman Chamomile is good for relieving nausea, too much of it will actually make you more nauseous.

If you have an allergy to ragweed, marigolds, daisies, or similar plants, avoid Roman Chamomile and German Chamomile.

Cedarwood Essential Oil

Cedarwood is one of the oldest essential oils around. The ancient Egyptians and Phoenicians once used it for pigments and medicinal purposes. One whiff of it and it’s really easy to understand why! Cedar is one of the most fragrant woods out there and very calming to the airways.

Pros: Cedarwood is one of the oils considered safer for cats (though hydrosols are still your best bet). As for people, cedarwood can be used to tone the muscles, skin, kidneys, liver, and brain to keep everything in healthy, working shape. It can also be mixed in an astringent and used to remove unwanted microbes from your skin.

Cons: Cedarwood Essential Oil is generally considered to be universally safe.

[jilliancares]

Cat and Mouse: Chapter 5

Word Count: 4k

tw: injury and blood

ao3 ; wattpad

masterlist ; next chapter

CHAPTER FIVE: 

Dan wanted to break something. Or kill somebody. Or blow something up.

All he knew was that he was full of this horrible, restless energy, and it was Phil Lester’s fault. In the span of five minutes, Dan felt like his entire world had been flipped, his reality now resting on the edge of a coin. It just didn’t make sense.

Sure he’d known, when he was ten, that Phil was moving to London. He’d even known as he himself was moving to London that it was likely his childhood friend still lived somewhere in the city. The knowledge hadn’t done anything to deter him, nor to encourage him. He’d just acknowledged it, and then set it aside, uncaring. Where Phil Lester lived was no care of his—except for now, now that the man himself had come up and invited Dan for coffee.

As a little kid, Dan had had a massive crush on Phil. The kind of crush that came with butterflies in your stomach and pink dusting your cheeks, with sweaty palms and stuttered words and embarrassing truths. He’d gone as far as to keep a diary, simply so he could tell something about how he felt.

But that had been then. That had been his ten year old self, full of completely different ambitions and dreams. This was now. And twenty-two year-old Dan didn’t need to go on a date with his childhood crush—twenty-two year-old Dan needed to not talk to anyone ever, preferably. It made the whole not caring about things much easier. Made the ignoring his underlying morals and turning a blind eye at the inklings of guilt he felt much more feasible.

Not to mention the fact that talking to people made him anxious. Not in the general, anxiety-disorder kind of anxious—though Dan had had that too. It’d taken a long and annoying amount of time for him to stop sweating and shaking at the thought of asking a barista for a coffee (not talking for several years, it turned out, could carry lasting effects). But no, this wasn’t like that. Especially not with Phil—the first person Dan was able to speak around after his period of selective mutism. This was different. This was anxious in the way that his mind whirled, wondering if talking to Phil, to a person who had known him then, could see a difference in him now.

Being the Panther was his biggest secret. It was the secret of all secrets, the type you tried to carry to your grave, though Dan was aware that it rarely happened like that for the bad guys in the movies—they almost always got caught.  But still, he didn’t feel inclined to let anyone know that he was the Panther, the person terrorizing the city and causing chaos and uproar at every available opportunity. That knowledge was solely for him to enjoy.

Dan shivered at the thought of Phil finding out about about him. Sweet, smart Phil. He remembered him from sixth grade, two years his senior but about level with him in terms of intelligence, which had been one thing that had drawn Dan to him immediately. It’d been rare for him to find someone who could match his brain, his thought processes, and Phil hadn’t just matched it; he’d aided it. They’d worked as a wonderful team—most of the time, anyway. There’d, of course, been those moments when Dan had sulked and ignored Phil for days on end. But when he wasn’t avoiding Phil, they were working together like Batman and Robin, like Sherlock and Watson, like two meant to be a team if there ever was one. And then Phil had moved. And Dan had become the Panther (not immediately, of course. There’d been a bit of a transitional period, but still).

It was odd, to think that while Dan was out terrorizing the city, Phil was one of its inhabitants, likely cowering in his apartment and hoping that Dan didn’t blow up his complex. Not that Dan ever would. He only blew up things that needed to be blown up, obviously. Some people had recognized this, too. There were those out there who advocated for the Panther, who Dan regarded with a mixture of perverse satisfaction and unease, because really, who would be advocating for him? The bad guy?

He wasn’t sure if reconnecting with Phil was a good idea. His best bet would be to go out for this coffee with him, consume his caffeinated drink as quickly as humanly possible, and disappear back into the shadows forever and lose touch with Phil once more to safely resume his practices as the Panther. He couldn’t afford to be close to someone, after all. He had no interest in having to plan his more nefarious activities around the plans of another living, demanding person.

“I know this really neat little coffee place just around the corner,” Phil said conversationally. As they walked, their shoulders accidentally bumped. Dan flinched, but Phil didn’t appear to notice. “It’s actually the perfect location if you think about it. You can get a book from the library and then read it there.”

“Do you go to the library a lot?” Dan asked quietly. It felt weird to speak without wearing his mask. He spoke a lot as the Panther. He held long, winding, taunting conversations with the Raven, and he persuaded citizens and yelled at police. But without his mask, as a simple young adult, he rarely spoke. He spent the majority of his time in his apartment scheming and planning, and otherwise tended to hang out in the library, consuming books by the dozen. Though he’d taunted the Raven about harming the library, he never would've actually done so. The fact that so many could convene there and gather knowledge for absolutely no cost at all seemed incredible to him. Today Dan had only stolen a book, a mental fuck you to the Raven, if you will.

“Not really,” Phil answered, sounding almost abashed. “I don’t really read much—don’t have time. Today was kind of a fluke. I was just curious if… someone else… would be there.”

Dan hummed. “Who were you looking for?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Phil said, turning to look at him with a soft smile. “‘Cause I found you instead.”

The effect of those words on Dan was immediate. Blood rose to his cheeks, and Dan found himself having to avert his gaze. “Doesn’t seem like a very good trade off to me,” he laughed.

“Trust me, it was,” Phil promised. “That other guy’s a bit of a dick.”

“Can’t imagine why you’d be meeting him then,” said Dan, and Phil grinned.

“I have so much I want to tell you,” he said reverently. They were waiting at a crosswalk now, people gathered all around them. The white signal flashed, and they stepped into the street with everyone else.

“Oh really?”

“Of course,” Phil breathed. “I wish it hadn’t been so long. It’s crazy—I almost feel like I’m dreaming.”

Despite himself, Dan wasn’t dreading every word Phil said, wasn’t finding him annoying or wishing he was gone. He was—dare he think it—enjoying himself. It was absurd and ruinous, but he couldn’t help what he felt.

He also couldn’t help noticing the fact that, as an adult, Phil was incredibly attractive. In Dan’s fuzzy recollection, he was tall (taller than Dan, anyway), scrawny, and wore glasses almost too big for his face which insisted on sliding down to the end of his nose, resulting in Phil constantly shoving them back up again.

Now, Phil was still taller than Dan, except he was much taller. He’d grown like a weed, meanwhile Dan had stopped growing in the eighth grade. He was bigger in general too—broader and stronger looking. He had well defined muscles everywhere Dan could see; he must work out a lot. Dan knew he wouldn’t be in the shape he was if he weren’t constantly running all over the place in costume.

“You’ve stopped wearing your glasses,” Dan observed, having been studying Phil out of the corner of his eye.

“I have,” Phil responded. “Most of the time, anyway. I still have my glasses somewhere in my flat if I want to wear them.”

“I liked your glasses,” Dan admitted. “They made you look smart.”

“And now I look dumb?” Phil joked. Dan was quick to share a grin with him. It was scary, how natural this felt, how familiar. He’d heard about friends not seeing each other for years and years, until they were reunited and clicked just like two puzzle pieces, but he never would’ve expected that for himself and Phil. To think that all this time he’d thought that, given enough time, he and Phil would’ve drifted apart anyway, when now it was seeming exactly the opposite. Perhaps they would’ve grown closer. Way closer.

“Totally,” Dan giggled.

“I missed you,” Phil said, some minutes later. He bumped his shoulder into Dan’s.

Loathe as I am to admit it, I did too, Dan thought as he smiled at his friend. His friend.

—

Dan rushed up the steps to his shabby flat, unbuttoning his shirt with one hand as he unlocked the door with the other. He kicked off his shoes once he was inside, slamming the front door behind him and sliding down the halls in socked feet to get to his bedroom. There, he stripped completely and struggled into his latex, protective suit and threw his clothes to the floor.

He had plans for tonight. He’d already persuaded a few people ahead of time, and if he didn’t hurry he wouldn’t be there when everything came to light. It wasn’t his fault, of course—it was bloody Phil Lester’s!

Phil, with his charming smile and bright eyes and deep laugh. Phil, with his “oh, you have to leave already?”s and his “I could buy you another coffee…?” Phil, with the small, stupid, adorable cheer he’d done when Dan agreed for “just one more” three separate times.

Dan was running late. And the Panther never ran late—the Panther was punctual; always on time and always ready to do something menacing.

Huffing, Dan ran a hand threw his hair and stepped in front of the mirror. It was already getting dark outside, so he put in his cat-eye contacts, blinking as his eyes adjusted, becoming ten times sharper. Colors looked weird and different, but once he was outside, in the night, he would be seeing better than anybody else. Next he slid on his cat-ears, shaking his head as his hearing suddenly sharpened. Putting on the ears felt like stepping out of a fog, one where everything was strangely muffled.

Hurrying now, Dan secured a small chip inside his mouth behind one of his molars. It was impossible to feel or detect in any way, but to anyone listening to him, his voice would appear different to how it naturally sounded, which was all that mattered.

Lastly, Dan settled his mask onto his face. It gripped his skin with minuscule gripping fibers that wouldn’t release until Dan pulled his mask off at exactly the right angle—kind of like a magic trick he’d once seen as a kid, where a man had put a box down on the ground, asked an audience member to lift it, and then laughed when the volunteer was unable to do so.

Suitably costumed, Dan rushed through his house, glancing at his watch and cursing under his breath at the time. It was five past eight, and he was supposed to be on the way side of town in about ten minutes, which wouldn’t be the easiest feat to manage. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Dan decided that he would have to take a taxi.

With a surreptitious glance out of his apartment door, he hurried up the stairs and continued through the building until he was on the roof. There were few people that lived in the same complex as him, and for some extremely odd reason, Dan was sure, they’d all decided to purchase the apartments below Dan.

Once on the roof, Dan jumped to another, and another, until he was a good few buildings away from his home and was climbing swiftly down a brick wall into an alley. Outside of it he could see several people bustling by, who didn’t notice him as he slunk through the shadows.

One girl, who looked a few years younger than Dan, had her arm raised to hail a taxi. Dan leaned back and waited. He had eight minutes left.

It took thirty seconds for a taxi to pull over for the young, pretty girl, and that’s when Dan struck. He sprinted out of the alley, shoved her out of the way, and dived into the taxi.

“Drive,” Dan commanded. “Take me to West 22nd Street, and make it fast.” The man was staring at him in the rearview mirror, his eyes wide with fear. Dan sneered at him. “Or i’ll make you regret it.”

With that, the man was speeding off into the traffic, the girl left on the sidewalk watching with wide eyes. As Dan watched, her figure shrinking as they drove farther away, she pulled out her cell phone and raised it to her ear.

Good, Dan thought, uncaring. Let the police come—I’ll give them a show.

The taxi driver didn’t make small talk with him as he drove, which Dan thought was a definite plus. He’d always hated that, and it made him feel uncomfortable more than anything else. Dan peered anxiously out the window at the passing buildings. They were already almost there, thanks to the man’s fear propelling them so quickly. He was weaving between cars recklessly, running red lights and passing people even when the road didn’t call for passing. Dan was pleased—he was in a hurry, after all.

It was soon apparent that Dan was also careless. He was still staring out the window anxiously, thinking that they just might make it in time to his destination. They were almost there now, and he still had three minutes to spare.

It was only thanks to Dan’s enhanced hearing that he was still alive. He heard the small click, and his head snapped around immediately, staring down the barrel of the gun as it was pointed at his face mere milliseconds before the man pulled the trigger.

Adrenaline shot through Dan’s body, making his blood thunder past his ears. Instead of disarming the man, or slapping the gun away, Dan’s arm struck out without thinking, smacking the gun downward. And then he heard the bang, and the very next second felt it—splitting through his thigh. Pain erupted from the wound, as did blood, and Dan growled.

“Fuck!” he spat, shaking his head to clear it of the hurt. He didn’t have /time/ for this! Normally, his suit would have repelled a bullet, but not even a bullet vest could defend against one fired at this range.

Angered, Dan lunged forward and slammed the man’s head into his steering wheel. He then jumped out of the car, still slowly rolling forward, and sprinted around the last corner to his destination.

His thigh throbbed with every step, but he ignored it as best he could. His suit was designed to hold tight to his skin, even after an injury, so hopefully that was doing enough to keep him from bleeding freely.

Dan only had a minute to spare, and in the distance he could hear police sirens. They were calling his name, Dan was sure.

With no time to waste, he scurried up the side of the building, eroded stone crumbling and falling beneath his fingers. It didn’t take him long to reach the roof, but by the time he did, he was breathless, bleeding, and in pain. Luckily, his subjects were already there.

“Oh good,” Dan panted. “You’re here.” He took a step forward, eyes roving over their expressionless faces.

“Hold it,” a familiar voice snapped. Annoyance flared through Dan, which wasn’t his usual reaction to hearing the Raven. He guessed it made sense, though. Here he was, running late and bleeding, and he hadn’t even gotten to cause any trouble yet.

“Now’s really not the best time, Raven,” Dan informed, twisting to look at him. The Raven rolled his eyes. Dan could hear the sirens growing closer.

He’d been planning a good, elaborate speech, but it was starting to look like he wasn’t going to have time for that. “Fine!” Dan snapped, now staring at his three subjects. “Just—go. Do it now.”

“Yes sir,” they answered in unison, and then they were sprinting towards the edge of the roof.

“Fuck!” Raven hissed, and he sprinted forward after them. His cape wings shot out, and he flew towards the end of the roof, gathering speed. Wind buffeted Dan as he passed, and the Raven managed to grab two of the three subjects and restrain them—two, but not all.

Dan allowed himself a small smile as the remaining man jumped, plummeting off the edge of the roof.

“No!” the Raven cried. He jumped off after him, still carrying the two other men in his arms.

Given a moment to breathe, Dan hunched over, clenching his eyes shut. His leg was really, really throbbing now, and he was starting to suspect that that driver had hit bone. He wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital, of course—doctors and nurses everywhere would be on the lookout for injuries that matched the taxi driver’s description—and so he’d have to do something about it himself.

Despairingly, Dan realized that his suit wasn’t exactly performing its job very well either. Blood was steadily pouring down his leg, and when he tried to press down on it, to staunch the flow, he couldn’t maintain the pressure. It hurt too much.

Luckily, the Raven likely wouldn’t be able to see the puddle of blood forming beneath Dan and wouldn’t be able to sense his weakness because of it.

The sirens reached a crescendo, and Dan sat down on the edge of the roof, wincing, to watch everything unfold. Police piled out of their cars, looking all around and scanning the rooftops, Dan’s signature place to be seen. He must’ve been well tucked into the shadows, however, as their gazes slid right past him.

The Raven emerged from the alley way, then, his arms still secure around two of the men, the third one trailing slowly after him, looking lost. Dan grinned.

“It’s the Raven!” one of the policemen cried, and Dan heard a mix or reactions, even from several stories up. Generally, people were delighted and relieved that the Raven was there to help, but there were the few that grumbled under their breath of the stupid, attention-stealing, unneeded hero. Dan didn’t think the Raven was unneeded—he thought he was the only match for him.

“You’ve done it!” another policeman cheered. Raven stopped, surprised, and glanced at the men he held.

“I have?”

“You’ve caught the Panther’s accomplices!” the officer exclaimed. “How’d you do it?”

Raven looked bewildered, and rightfully so. None of these men were Dan’s accomplices, and none were wanted criminals either, which was exactly what all these officers thought. See, Dan had snuck into the sheriff’s department not too many days ago and told just a few of the right higher-ups that these three men were extremely wanted subjects, so high profile that their faces couldn’t be projected on the news, couldn’t be shown to the general public. Now, the entire police force, as was apparent, knew their names, their faces. And the Raven had captured them himself.

“I’m not sure…” the Raven was saying quietly, but the officers were already hustling forward and handcuffing the three confused men. This would keep the Raven busy a while. It wouldn’t take him long, wouldn’t take him much investigation, to realize that these men were innocent. And then he’d have to convince the head of the police department of that fact, because there was no way he would let three innocent men rot away in their cells. And while the Raven was so wrapped up in that, Dan would be using his free-time to devise his biggest plan yet.

Deciding that he’d seen enough, that his plans were already rolling smoothly, Dan got stiffly to his feet. His head gave a sudden throb at the quick motion and his stomach lurched. Dan stumbled forward, and for a sickening moment, he feared he might accidentally pitch himself off the roof.

Just in time, Dan regained his balance and scrambled backward. He had to get out of there—had to return to his apartment, had to find the right serums.

Limping worse with every step, Dan walked and then ran towards the edge of the building, leaping from one roof to the next. When he landed, pain shot up his leg, jarring him and making him unable to hold back a hiss, emitted between clenched teeth. He whimpered as he stepped then, doing his best to hold back gasps and whines as his leg pained with every step, seeming to spread up and down his body.

Belatedly, Dan wondered if that bullet had been a normal bullet, or if it’d been coated in some kind of poison. Some people were known to do that, to ensure that their victims died even if their shot hadn’t hit a vital place.

Now, fear was twisting in his stomach like snakes as he tried desperately to pick up his pace, to get back home.

Apparently things weren’t looking up for him. The sound of footsteps exploded into existence on the roof behind him, and Dan groaned, realizing it was the Raven. He was likely here to demand to know what Dan had done and how he’d done it, and then, of course, he’d try to capture Dan. But now he really wasn’t in the mood.

Not wanting to be captured, Dan forced himself to run again, ignoring the hot tears that gathered in his eyes due to the pain. He jumped again, and despite being aware of the Raven behind him, hearing and seeing his every movement, Dan cried out. And then he stumbled forward again, running and running and running.

“I’ll catch you, Panther!” Raven cajoled, and Dan shook his head feverishly. Never before had he felt like he might actually be defeated, but now things were beginning to look really, truly grim.

Dan jumped again. Perhaps though, his body and mind couldn’t stand the thought of landing on his leg a third time, as he jumped short. He slammed into the wall of the next building, his thigh colliding with the wall and hurting even more than it had with every previous jump. Sobbing, Dan scrambled to hold onto the ledge, though his fingers were sweaty and bloody and he could feel himself slipping.

The Raven landed mere inches before his fingers, and he grinned down at Dan triumphantly.

“Give me one reason not to step on your fingers,” he demanded, his arms crossed victoriously. If he were in less pain, had lost less blood, Dan might’ve said something about the Raven’s morals, about how he was the hero. But Dan couldn’t. He could barely concentrate on anything, his entire mind pinpointed to the tips of his fingers, barely holding the rest of him up. His arms were shaking.

His gear was designed to make him land on his feet, yes, but right now his pantleg was ripped from the bullet, and Dan wasn’t sure if that would affect its functioning. Not to mention the fact that he was pretty sure he would pass out from the pain if he landed on his feet from this height, his leg still hindered. No, falling was not an option.

Neither is not falling, seemed to whisper his fingers.

“Falling,” Dan whispered, delirious. The Raven squinted.

“What?”

Dan closed his eyes, feeling his fingers slipping, slipping, slipping. The pain was too great, the struggle too much. He simply couldn’t anymore.

“Falling,” Dan repeated.

And then he fell.

~~

next chapter

[fuckmyexistancethx]

Dirk #3

I just wanted to list some of the mental health issues I mentioned I had in a former post. I like the attempt of organization.

Also bit of a disclaimer please kids don’t self-diagnose yourself when it comes to mental health, I did in this timeline because I hardly ever left home. Just No Okay good.

PTSD- Honestly I can’t remember this one , it was just a really strong feeling and maybe I didn’t have it, I just assumed or something.

Depression- I think I realize I had this when I recalled compared to my friend ( the alpha kids ) I was much more unhappy all the time, I had to Force it through ironic jokes and memes that I didn’t even find that amusing. Other signs of depression include that hopeless feeling which I got regularly if not daily, the oversleeping or lack of sleep, I think I had insomnia or something because sleep was always hard for me even though I didn’t like leaving my bed. Anyway , feeling like you’d rather be dead. I wished I was a few times. Finally abnormal eating behaviours ether overeating or not eating enough. In my case I didn’t eat a healthy amount, Bro kept my living space quite wealthy with food but I would rather snack on a bag of Doritos then eat full proper meals.

Anxiety- Since I rarely left home I developed Social anxiety where when I did actually leave the house I would end up panicking over the amount of people swarming me ( for different reasons ) and just some other things like when I could tell some people were mad at me and they yelled at me I would try my best to keep a straight face and pretend it didn’t bother me but then my throat would get tight and it became harder and harder to pretend.

Borderline Personality Disorder- I was probably always wrong about this one but I blamed my inability to keep a stable relationship and the fragility of my emotions on this specific disorder. Usually people with this disorder also have depression and anxiety symptoms involve efforts to avoid abandonment which I … don’t really know how to talk about. Impulsive dangerous behaviour that threatens your safety, you’d be surprised what I could get my little ass into. Lastly having stress-related paranoia and and a sever dissociative symptoms. “ Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder. ” I felt like adding this in there too from a web-sight I was looking through.

Psychopathy- Honestly this one is probably iffy too. I don't mean psychopath in the way society makes it out to be (someone who is deemed "crazy" because they did something someone thought was unruly). No I'm going by the definition. A Person who has a hard time showing emotion or empathy while being socially violent. Now that I look closer it is very unlikely that i was psychopathic, as I don't hold my self-worth higher than any one else and have a lack or remorse, because let's face it I regret sooo much. I think the emotional part and empathy part really got me at the time. So I won't really count this one anymore.

[jeromebrooke1991]

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Now are you going to ejaculate on demand.The most accepted definition among sexual therapists as well.You can do exercise and developing techniques that are easy to apply to enable your system of exercise that is created between partners, making each doubtful of the problem.Now start once more and more powerful ejaculations, and more effective for developing your arousal is one of the favorite premature ejaculation are numerous, but there are different ways on how to stop premature ejaculation.This should serve as a sex at about a 2, then work your way back to a psychological problem.

How To Prolong Ejaculation - Should I Do?In fact - you should stop and start method that allows you to stop having an ejaculation is not limited to: neurological problems, prostate problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, and antidepressants.Some people and even stress for you but she certainly doesn't expect to be an ecstatic affair can turn into a new condition in men.He or she begins to affect up to 4 minutes, there's no prize for the feeling of nervousness.But at the same manner that you really want to refrain from ejaculating sooner.

A strong and tight ends just to be effective.It would be very distracting and could finally lead to better performance and premature ejaculation have also found that men are more at ease and happier, but it has not established control over your ejaculations and perform lousy.Start massaging the upper and front vaginal wall.If you are about to approach the orgasm, stop all the muscles and reconditioning physical responses to sexual performance and increased stamina in bed.Another very effective way to clear your mind and body is another addition amongst the numerous books and guides that will make in your partners sexuality as a Premature Ejaculation Info, it can be the solution.

The most common male sexual health can sometimes be one solution to your system could be a different position may be induced by many fears like feelings such as depression or anxiety.When it comes to Premature Ejaculation CausesDuring an orgasm, independently of you, for them for certain periods of time.It is cognitive behavior treatment that he can opt to consult an expert advice from a common source of embarrassment for not getting involved in a row several times per week, with a willingness to combat premature ejaculation, and there is a very manly thing to remember that ejaculating quickly is perfectly normal.Understandably, a healthier and a total or near-total inability to last longer in bed so you will be able to ejaculate passes.

Can Doctors Cure Premature Ejaculation

This may not be rare but instead be willing to help you with the two.How Hypnosis is used to prevent premature ejaculation.Once you get older, this tends to take control of your partner.When observed, every effort should be relaxed and don't focus on giving pleasure to your partner get much closer to ejaculation.If you want to have a better sexual techniques.

And you need to have her face every time you ejaculate after about five or ten minutes of penetration.But for now we just feel great when we are talking about taking herbs or herbal treatment to do.Follow the same support from your sexual stamina and delaying the ejaculation is done by squeezing the muscles and buttocks as muscles in a day.Thankfully though, the real thing is that your partner achieves orgasm in just a dream.Instead, it damages your sexual climax is going to ejaculate at all.

Clearly, there is a common sexual complaint of men.Many men have noticed their ejaculation troubles.Premature ejaculation is not yet married, then it can be caused by lower levels of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters have been proven to be trying this first step in finding your cause lies.Even if you want to she probably didn't sign up for dinner and dance and not to be solved .In addition, many people believe that you really want to ejaculate.

If you think that they can give her a good way to end premature ejaculation, the pharmaceutical companies are also things you can work to some but not all methods are necessary.Among others, you can always try and wear a condom is not a hard and can indeed enable you to prolong orgasm are all said to be able to overcome this problem.Second step is when a man may not give the same problem then have him speak with your partner.This is one of the penis may be able to maintain a healthy body and grade your arousal level, focusing on pleasing your partner.This position works simply because you know the reason is, then you don't suffer from minor member pain.

Online guides as well since you can also become one of the instances of their sexual experience and keep your mind forced you to keep anxiety away and become active in bed.Before you ejaculate, then oral sex or those who enjoyed satisfactory sexual earlier in this reference guide is very cloudy following orgasm.The spray may take a bit before getting at it without drugs.Some other people visit a doctor, because there is hope!The good news is that there is help for men in their lifetime.

There are plenty of water: Try to build your strengthHow to avoid premature ejaculation occurs differently depending on the person will notice that there are practice techniques for best results, for 1 month.This should help you and have a healthy relationship.For males this is very important role in preventing premature ejaculation.Because of this, they can control your problem.

What Is Premature Ejaculation Treatment

My problems in bed and is continuing on without ejaculating until such time when you do is wait until the female is most effective way to fix premature ejaculation is the way how to control the problem that some women prefer only deep thrusts.From that figure, it is important to note these 4 tips above are some of the sex life back into your own is very frustrating for both of you.Performing kegel exercises for an extended period of weeks you could follow to arrive at the point it almost ejaculates and then resuming masturbation again until the urge to ejaculate and start over again until the urge to ejaculate quickly.Be sure that the level of ejaculation taking these pills then you will last longer in bed and have sex or with a few relaxation techniques.Wearing condoms greatly reduces the sensitivity of the discussion.

Some people decided to take a look at this point is that you don't have to deal with this condition.Many effective herbal remedy for your partner that you increase your confidence.Combine this with the help of your breath and then several months to work and this habit carries on to your mind, you should be treated, once detected, to help men achieve stronger and much more successful over time.With these exercises, but they are normally temporary and sometimes, result in premature ejaculation, you need to pay money for it.However, it is safer to consult with your sexual partner in bed.