#my brain loves to invent new terrible emotions every day

[wetchickenbreast]

oh god it's really really bad forever

[sineala]

A Few Thoughts About Hurt/Comfort

I have been asked this month to make a post about hurt/comfort in Avengers comics. And I love h/c -- I actually have a massive number of WIPs right now that are h/c -- so I am very happy to talk about it! Anyway, this is not really all that planned out and this mostly turned into an excursus on Tony Stark's pain. I'm sure you're all surprised.

Like pretty much everyone else, I'm sure, I have found that everything lately has been... pretty tough. And the coping mechanism that really got me through last year and this year was reading and writing a lot of h/c, on the theory that, however lousy a day I'm having, I can absolutely make sure that Tony Stark has a worse one. And then I can make sure he gets hugs. Wish fulfillment? Why, yes. (Once at Hallmark I was trying to find a "get well soon" card, forgot what it was called, and described it to my wife as "a hurt/comfort card.") I think Marvel Comics -- the Avengers side, in particular -- is an interesting canon for h/c for a lot of reasons. Though, honestly, if you asked me to recommend you, a hurt/comfort fan, a new fandom, I would probably just hand you some Starsky & Hutch DVDs. Go watch "The Fix" and get back to me later. If you like that, there's way more where that came from. But there's still lots to love in Marvel! Superhero comics are really a goldmine as far as the hurt side of h/c. Because superheroes, and you probably have noticed this, get hurt a lot. They get hurt repeatedly, in fantastical ways that are probably impossible in real life both physically and emotionally (at least, I don't think anyone's invented mind control yet), and even the heroes without superhuman healing powers tend to get physically hurt a whole lot worse than actual people can take. Currently in Iron Man comics, Tony has a broken back and is dealing with this by locking himself into the armor as a backboard and injecting himself with massive doses of painkillers. He's busy! He's got stuff to do! He doesn't have time to lie around and heal! So, basically, if you name a kind of pain that you would like to see happen to a character, it's probably happened to superheroes. Multiple times. The downside, though, is that comics do not really deliver that well when it comes to the comfort part of h/c. They could. It's not inherent to the medium that they don't. But because of the serial nature of comics and also the fact the primary audience is dudes who want to read about people in spandex punching each other, a lot of the time they don't really feel the need to provide closure and write about people dealing with any of the hurt. (Raise your hand if you're still annoyed with the end of Hickman's Avengers run.) But at the same time, I think that's a quality that makes Avengers ripe for h/c fanfic. Because, generally speaking, fandom likes to provide the things that canon doesn't, and fandom is more than happy to provide the comfort. If you enjoy canonical h/c in comics, I think you really can't go wrong with Iron Man. One of the big innovations of modern Marvel Comics was the concept that heroes would also suffer from relatable human problems, and in practice what this means is that a lot of heroes start with a fully-loaded angst-ridden backstory and origin story, ripe for h/c. So Tony starts out by incurring a heart injury that he fully expects is going to kill him, which he responds to by vowing he won't get close to anyone so they won't be sad when he dies, and throughout the early Silver Age is constantly on the brink of death as his heart nearly gives out on him practically every issue. And then even after his heart gets (mostly) better, there are various plots involving his armor being detrimental to his health and him choosing to fight on anyway. It's hard for me to think of another superhero hitting that particular variety of h/c in exactly the same way. Sure, superheroes risk their lives constantly, because this is how superhero comics work, but Tony is the only one I can think of who is this constantly this badly off, physically. Like, think of all the other heroes who have had a continual solo presence as fan favorites across Marvel history -- Captain America, Thor, Spider-Man, Wolverine, maybe even Deadpool. You know what those guys all have? Healing factors! For the most part, they are not running around continually on the verge of death, and while there are certainly memorable arcs involving several of them being severely injured and/or dead, you really have to work at it. It's not their constant state of affairs, whereas Tony is the kind of superhero who shows up to a fight already bleeding out under his armor. Yeah, I know Extremis gave him a healing factor. But he didn't have it very long, and also he did some extremely dangerous things while he did have it; I'm pretty sure I've never seen Wolverine saying that he'll just solve a problem by cutting off his own foot. So, anyway, yeah, there are a bunch of good arcs involving h/c for Tony. If you're looking for physical injury, he has a whole bunch of heart problems over the years, gets several new hearts, then ruins his brain, et cetera. That level of hurt is basically the background pain of Tony's life; every so often, his heart will get damaged or he'll have to live in the armor or the armor will be killing him, et cetera. If you're looking for more unusual trauma, I am, as always, going to rec Manhunt, a relatively obscure arc in late v3 (IM v3 #65-69) in which Tony has an extremely bad week. His tech is stolen and used to bomb a building. Then he gets shot in the chest. Then while he's at the hospital a nurse tries and fails to poison him, and she then tries to beat him to death. Then he checks himself out of the hospital and a helicopter shoots missiles at him. Then he becomes a fugitive from justice. And then, oh, yeah, he has to fight the Mandarin. It is... a lot. (Volume 3 of Iron Man is pretty good as far as h/c possibilities. You've got a lot of physical pain, Carol's drinking arc, the Sentient Armor, both DreamVision arcs, and Manhunt. Manhunt is finally supposed to be out in trade this month, by the way.) There are of course the drinking arcs, which probably count as their own type of hurt. But if you haven't read the second drinking arc (IM #160-200), please do. Marvel likes to up the stakes on events (Fear Itself, Secret Empire) by making Tony drink, and it does work, I think. I feel like I've spoken at length about Tony's drinking elsewhere so I don't really want to rehash it all here. And then there's the emotional pain. Angst and drama is something that happens to a whole bunch of characters, yes, especially in comics, but somehow Tony seems to end up with possibly more than his fair share of it. Fandom likes to make a lot of Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, so much so that you might think, if you didn't know canon, that this was just fandom running with a throwaway mention of Tony's terrible childhood and making it worse. But, no, canon really does go there with a reasonable amount of frequency. Howard's actual first appearance is in a flashback where he's ordering teenage Tony to break up with his girlfriend because she's the daughter of one of Howard's business rivals. And then we get into the verbal abuse, and the physical abuse, and the time Howard made Tony take his first drink, and the part where Howard was a demon in hell who Tony fought while he insulted him. And more! Currently, in canon, Howard is alive again and is in league with Mephisto for the express purpose of ruining Tony's life. Also when Tony was a baby, Howard tried to trade him to Dracula. I think you can make an argument that fandom is actually showing restraint when compared to canon. Tony also has a whole lot of Terrible Exes whose presence and/or former presence in Tony's life can be used for a lot of hurt. If you've read any amount of fanfic, you probably know that the exes who get the most play in fandom are Sunset Bain and Tiberius Stone -- not that Tony and Ty were ever canonically a couple, of course, but fandom is definitely enamored of this idea. Ty and Sunset both have relatively similar interactions with Tony in canon, in that they are both liars and emotional abusers, heavy on the gaslighting, with the purpose of becoming more successful than Tony. They both also attempt to murder Tony, although this is after he figures out they're evil, at least. (Yes, I know, this is not how either of them usually appear in AUs.) Tony also has a bunch of exes who also have just straight-up tried to murder or otherwise hurt him, sometimes while they are dating, and sometimes before Tony dates them: Whitney Frost, Indries Moomji, Kathy Dare, and Maya Hansen come to mind. There are probably more I'm not thinking of! But, yes, if you want to write about a guy in a series of terrible relationships, please consider Iron Man comics. If mind control is one of your favorite flavors of hurt, Tony's pretty good for that too. We all know about The Crossing. I suppose when I say "mind control" I mostly mean "armor control" because there are an awful lot of plots where someone else makes Tony's armor do whatever they want it to do and Tony is along for the ride -- Demon in a Bottle, Sentient Armor, and Execute Program are the first things that come to mind. There is also a fairly obscure What If that is What If Iron Man Lost The Armor Wars in which Justin Hammer apparently really wants Tony in a mind control collar to take off all his clothes and lounge around in his underwear. No, really. I think a lot of pain for Tony often revolves around his issues with control, generally -- his alcoholism comes into play here again. The entire aftermath of Civil War is also notable for its propensity to hurt Tony over and over and over. Is he stoically soldiering on through his grief after Steve dies? Hell, no! He cries, like, six separate times. He 100% blames himself for Steve's death. It's great. Everybody loves The Confession and the funeral in Fallen Son, but one of my personal favorites is Avengers/Invaders, in which Tony is confronted with a time-traveling Steve from WWII and in order not to screw up the timeline, he can't tell Steve he knows him. He is clearly not coping well. He shuts himself in a room with a giant wall of pictures of Steve! Also there's a part where he has to try to convince Steve he can trust him and he ends up having to tie Steve to a chair to talk to him, and Steve looks at him and asks, "Who did you kill to get where you are?" and I feel like that is probably one of the worst moments in Tony's life. No wonder he gave himself amnesia. So now we might want to ask, okay, but why is hurting Tony in fanfiction so much fun? I mean, I can tell you why I think it's fun. I can't speak for anyone else. One reason is that he is very emotional and very affected by everything he does. Sometimes you will see people complaining that the heroes of m/m fanfic cry too much and this is not realistic. This is not a problem if you're writing Tony! He can cry as much as you want and it's perfectly in character. I don't think it would be as fun to hurt him if he didn't express so much of his pain. But he does. He also feels guilty, and for me that's a very satisfying character element. If he were well-adjusted and didn't blame himself for so many things, it wouldn't be nearly as fun as watching him blame himself for everyone whose death he thinks he is responsible for, whether or not he is. And then he just keeps going, and it's, y'know, nice to watch him be resilient, too. So, I guess, I think hurting him is interesting because it's easy to hurt him, his weak points are pretty obvious, and he reacts a lot. Steve doesn't hurt quite as much as Tony does, in canon. It's certainly possible to hurt him -- I mean, they did actually kill him after Civil War, after all -- but I don't think the canonical patterns of hurting him are as numerous. Obviously deseruming Steve is a fairly popular go-to in terms of physical hurt; he's been deserumed at least three times that I know of. I think's easy to see the appeal there of taking a character who is fairly physically resilient and making him... much less so. Certainly Marvel seems to see the appeal. But other than that I don't think he has any other really common way to get physically injured. Unlike Tony, whose origin story is basically "oh no, I've acquired a disability," Steve's origin story is "I drank a serum that cured all my disabilities." Which, I mean, great wish fulfillment but there's not really as much there to poke at. Pretty much all of Steve's pain is emotional, but, unlike Tony, his pain isn't often specifically in response to someone directly, purposefully hurting him. Hickman's Avengers run is a big exception, yes. His pain seems to come up most often as a kind of situational angst. He feels like a man out of time. He feels out of touch with the modern era, with people his own age. He feels guilt because he feels responsible for Bucky's death. He feels like he can't trust the government and therefore he can't be Captain America. He worries that he doesn't know how to have a normal life. And, yes, these are deep and important worries but it's different than, like, Indries Moomji dumping Tony with the intent to make him sad enough to start drinking. Very few of Steve's villains want to personally ruin Steve's entire life the way Tony's villains do; mostly they just want to do things like bring back the Nazis. In terms of Steve's potential for h/c, I think Steve is harder to hurt than Tony is. Physically, he is definitely harder to hurt. You can deserum him, sure, but unless you want everything you write to be a deseruming fic you're probably not going to want to do that more than a couple of times. And if you want to hurt him physically while he has the serum, you have to hurt him hard. Usually past the point where a regular human would ever survive it. He's also harder to break, emotionally, than Tony is -- which means it's very satisfying when you can get him to break, but this is a guy who's only cried twice (that I remember) in canon. So if you want to get him to cry, you really, really have to wreck him, and he doesn't have as many obvious weak spots. He also doesn't generally sit around blaming himself for things that aren't his fault, and the whole "stewing in guilt" genre of plots for him basically came down to "he was sad that he thought Bucky's death was his fault," and that's really the biggest regret he seems to have, and also Bucky's not dead anymore. The Steve/Tony relationship itself, I would think, is also appealing to h/c fans because canon provides a lot of ways for them to hurt each other. Some people only ship pairings who would never, y'know, take turns beating each other half to death in major event comics. (And for a lot of Marvel Comics history, that was also Steve & Tony, so if you want them to be BFFs who have never fought, you can just set your fic earlier.) They have definitely hurt each other both physically and emotionally, so if you're looking for something easy and satisfying as a h/c fan, you can just read or write something where they... make up. What about Marvel characters other than Steve and Tony? Surely some of them are angsty, yes? Well, yes, but also it depends on the particular flavor of angst that you like. If you like the way Tony hurts, you may very well enjoy Doctor Strange comics, because they have a very similar attitude towards life -- they are both former alcoholics whose origin stories involve physical disabilities, who routinely make tactical decisions that negatively affect their continued existence and/or happiness a whole lot. It's very much an "I must suffer alone in the dark and no one will ever know what I am doing to save the world but it's the right thing to do" sort of vibe. Like, you can read comics where Strange is lying in hell with two broken legs, hallucinating that Clea has finally come to save him. Strange's biggest fear, akin to Tony's control issues, is basically that one day he's going to be an asshole again, so he's out there trying as hard as he can to do good. Also, if you like tentacles, he has all of them. I mean that. Carol also occasionally hits similar angst spots, and her drinking arc is great. A lot of people like Natasha, too; I have read zero Black Widow comics but I get the impression many people enjoy her brand of angst. The mutant metaphor is a little different in terms of overall vibe, but some people really like it as a source of angst -- the whole "protecting a world who hates and fears them" thing. It may not work for you, but if you like your hurt to include things like systemic oppression, go pick up some X-Men comics. Start with something like God Loves Man Kills. I feel like I liked this sort of thing a lot more as a teenager but that I kind of aged out of liking the mutants quite so much. It's also worth mentioning that not everything that hits the spot in one universe will be the same in the others, and I'm mentioning this because I feel like I have to say something about MCU Bucky. MCU fandom seems to get a lot of mileage out of Bucky's guilt about being the Winter Soldier, everything he was forced to do, et cetera. I have definitely read my share of those fics, and FATWS sure went right for that angst too. But as far as I can tell, he doesn't hit the same way at all in 616. And I like him a lot in 616; I'm always pleased when he shows up on a team. (He was so good in Strikeforce. Everyone was so good in Strikeforce.) But the thing is, 616 Bucky is, basically, phenomenally well-adjusted, given everything he's gone through, and I'm including the time he wrestled a bear in a gulag. He gets over having been the Winter Soldier, and now he's just, y'know, a guy with a cool arm who likes to bring guns to every fight to horrify his teammates, and he snarks at Clint. If you're looking for that angst, that is really not him these days. He's all better. So pretty much all that is canon. So what do we do in fandom for h/c? Well, as far as I can tell, a decent amount of it is canon-based or very canon-close -- there are a whole lot of stories exploring the angst of Civil War or Hickman's Avengers run. Tony's drinking comes up a fair amount, and if one of Tony's Evil Exes comes back to haunt him, it's pretty much only Tiberius Stone. I don't think I've read a lot of fic with Steve getting deserumed; it doesn't seem as popular in fandom as in canon. When Steve gets hurt, he tends to just get physically whumped pretty hard, and there's a fair amount of that for Tony too, but of course Steve can take more. There's also a thriving, uh, subgenre of pain involving Hydra Steve doing terrible things to Tony, presumably the terrible things he would have wanted to do to Tony in canon if Tony had had a flesh body. There's the usual kinds of h/c setups that appear in basically every fandom as well -- sickfic, whump, dub-con/non-con. You get the idea. But since fandom in general likes to take specific inspiration from canon, there's a lot of fic where the hurt tends to resemble things that happen more in canon. Like, I feel like comics fic probably has more tentacle fic and more mind control than canons that don't come pre-stocked with those. Probably everybody has a whole lot of "tied up by bad guys," though. And then, of course, fandom brings the comfort that canon does not. This is true in pretty much every fandom -- I mean, you aren't going to find a lot of actual canons where Character A saves Character B from mortal peril and then there's gay sex -- but, like I was saying, comics don't provide a lot of closure before it's onto the next thing. Usually with a different creative team, who has no interest in wrapping up anything from the last team. Steve and Tony talked about the incursions exactly once after Secret Wars and nobody mentioned the part where Steve spent several months trying to hunt Tony down and kill him. Tony is never going to remember the events of Civil War. Hydra Steve died ignominiously in a fire and no one has ever talked about him again. Honestly, if you're looking for a way to get some comfort in your fanfic, picking an event, any event, and just having the characters talk about it will be way more than any of them get in canon. I feel like honestly that can often be a pretty satisfying to read. And even though comics canon physically hurts characters pretty often and pretty badly, they also often skip right past the recovery. Maybe you'll get one page of a character in a hospital bed at the end of the story arc. Maybe you won't. Demon in a Bottle has one splash page of Tony going through alcohol withdrawal and then he's all better. I think Manhunt skips to Tony getting out of the hospital at the end. That's just not a story that they want to tell very often. The second drinking arc is notable in that it devotes almost as many issues to Tony's recovery as it does to getting him to rock-bottom. Similarly, Steve is done with his Nomad angst way way faster than you probably think he is (though The Captain does go in for a fair number of issues). So one of the things we often want to do in fandom is focus on all the bits that canon skips over, both in the "why did no one ever mention this story arc ever again" way and the "wow, so how long are they in the hospital after that" way. That's really all I can think of about h/c! I'm off to write some more of it!

[teenyweenynightghost]

A Breath of Fresh Air - Chapter 3

Warnings: language, kinda spicy

I woke up to the buzzing noise of my alarm, beeping over and over again until I managed to stop it. The light shone from the window, blinding my eyes. I groaned and and turned around furiously in my bed. One of my feet was dangling over the edge, goosebumps all over it, thanks to the cold room. This place had terrible insulation. I missed the warmth that slowly woke me up in the morning back in Greece. Sadly, I wasn't there, and I couldn't miss my first day of school.

Pushing myself off the bed, I recoiled when my feet met the cold ground, sending shivers up my spine. Checking my phone, I noticed It had taken me 20 minutes to get up, which meant i only had 40 left. Barely enough. Running to the bathroom, I took off my clothes in a hurry and jumped in the shower. The freezing water hit my skin like a million wasps, making me cringe at the sudden temperature change. Despite how unsatisfied I was with it's lack of heat, my eyes were more open now and less puffy, as was the rest of my face. Being more aware of my surroundings, I realised I had forgotten my towel on the bed frame. I beat myself up internally and prayed Victoria wasn't awake.

Opening the door and peeking a little, I noticed my roommate's still body, evenly breathing. Thank god! I tip-toed quickly to my bed and just as I was about to cover myself up, I heard a husky voice. "Well, a good morning to you, puppy" Covering myself up with the speed of light, I turned around and almost fell down. Stumbling backwards, I hit a cupboard and yelped. In response, I heard Vic chuckle lightly. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at her, suddenly feeling self-conscious and embarrassed. "Aw, you have no reason to get so red cucciola, you have the body of a goddess" With that, my mouth fell wide open and, If I had thought I hit my peak redness before, I must have invented a new color now. "Ready for school?" After this little mishap, I was definitely not, but I had no other choice. I nodded softly and picked up my clothes, retreating to the privacy of the bathroom. As I was about to close the door, I heard Vic mutter "Good girl."

Luckily for me, the rest of the day went better than the morning. We had breakfast in an immense dining hall, filled with torches and old paintings. Vic showed me each classroom and introduced to every teacher, as well as many other students.

By the time I had gotten back to my room, I was exhausted. I needed something to soothe me down, and no matter how much I tried to listen to music or study some new plants, I couldn't get the peace of mind I yearned.

Irritated, I slammed the encyclopedia shut and started pacing around the room. Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't hear Victoria entering the room. She watched me for a few moments, eyes filled with understanding, until she spoke up. "Aurora" I quickly turned to face her, my gaze softening. "Yes?" "You look stressed. And exhausted." she had a pitiful expression on her face, which only worsened my mood. "I don't need your pity." "Then accept my initiative of distracting you." I looked back at her, wondering what was gong on in her head. Noticing my weary glare, she headed towards my dresser, and searched for a few moments, until she tossed a swimsuit in my hands. "If I had it my way, you wouldn't need that, but after your reaction this morning I didn't want to push you further." I appreciated her respecting my boundaries. The event from earlier this morning had certainly been embarrassing for me, but there was something about her hungry gaze that made me want more. Pushing that thought away, I headed to the bathroom and put the swimsuit on, covering it up with the clothes I was wearing only a few moments earlier. I stepped out just in time to see Victoria pulling on a shirt, having a swimsuit underneath her clothes as well.

"Well, what's the plan now?"

"Now, cara mia, we wait." she answered with a grin, which only made me more weary of what was about to happen."

A few hours had passed and I was back to my notebook, sketching a few different types of leaves. Suddenly, Vic jumped off her bead and grabbed my arm, leading me out of our room. Before I could say anything, she covered my mouth with her hand, gesturing for me to be quiet. She pulled away and beckoned me to follow her. I did as I was told, a small blush creeping its way on my face.

We had made our way out, reaching a metal gate at the edge of the campus. “Vic, where the hell are we going?” It was midnight, barely enough light for us to see. The cold wind covered my body in goosebumps as Vic quickly jumped over the gate. I let out a sigh and did my best to follow her.

After a few more minutes of walking, Bic came behind me and covered my eyes, her cold hands making my body jolt.“What the hell! It’s not like I can see a thing anyway!”

“I just want it to be a surprise puppy”. The damned nickname. My face started heating up and I was praying she couldn’t feel it, as she guided me further into the woods

We finally came to a stop. “Are you ready? Vic asked full of excitement. I nodded eagerly and she quickly dropped her hands. Before me was a glowing lake, surrounded by millions and millions of flowers, each brighter and more colorful than the other. I gasped at the view and started giggling and bouncing. At that, Vic started laughing as she put a hand over my shoulder. “I knew you’d like it.”

I ran to the shore, almost tripping along the way, and dipped my hand in the water. It was slightly cold, but considering that I would be half naked around Vic, anything that could cool me down was welcome.

Before I could ask where we would leave our clothes, Vic walked past me, already in her swimsuit, and jumped in the water. She swam below the surface for a few moments before resurfacing, a wide grin spreading on her face. At that, I realized I was staring at her, intensely.

“Are you coming, puppy, or are you gonna keep staring at me?” I sighed and mumbled that i would not mind the latter. I turned around and slowly took of my clothes. I could feel her hungry gaze burning through my back. By the time I faced her again I was a flustered mess. She looked at me the same way she had this morning, only perhaps a new emotion in her eyes. One that I couldn’t figure out.

I stepped towards the lake and closed my eyes, jumping in it. My skin tightened from the cold water and I swam up, breathing heavily. In the blink of an eye, she was next to me, grinning. “How does it feel?”

“Cold.” She scoffed. “Want me to show you the caves?” “There are caves here!?” I looked around, trying to find the formation Vic was talking about, but without success. Following my gaze and smirking, she reached out her hand and placed it under my chin, moving my head towards a dark denture in the cliff. “Right there, puppy.” The combination of her delicate hand on my face and her words were almost too much to bear so I swam quickly towards where she pointed.

The tall cliff was now towering over me, pebbles falling in the moon lit water from time to time. “Right this way” purred Vic in my ear as she grabbed my hand and led me into the cave.

We swam through the darkness until I felt a wall in front of me. “It’s a dead end” As I was about to turn around, she dragged me underwater and swam us through a hole. My heart was beating fast and I was running out of breath, until she finally guided me to the surface.

“A warning wouldn’t have hurt.” I gasped, my lungs filling with oxygen.

“Too much thinking.” She started moving again, but I just closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. We were in a whole other place now. The large rock walls extended up into the air, stopping right before they curved inward. This wasn’t as much of a cave anymore, since there was nothing above us. Only the night sky, filled with stars and numerous constellations. Unlike my first time here, it was clear, and I could spot a few formations here and there.

“AURORA” i heard Vic’s scream as she tried to bring me back to this world. She succeeded. I saw her perched up on a rock, the moonlight shining on her body, giving her an iridescent glow. Entranced by her, I started moving towards where she was sat, with each step examining another one of her features. Her light blonde hair, going from a dark brunette to the color of sand, her stormy blue eyes, always vivid and alive. The tip of her nose, beautifully decorated by a thin gold hoop.

Before I knew it, I was right below her. The boulder gave her enough extra height for her to tower me. Cupping my chin, she lifted my head up in order to lock my eyes in a seductive gaze “See something you like puppy?” Before I could think it through, I nodded carelessly, not taking my eyes off of her. This time, I noticed her belly piercing. I couldn’t help but think about my tongue playing with it as she would pull on my hair. Shocked by my own thoughts, I pulled away and tried turning around.

Before succeeding to do so, she suddenly jumped into the water and slammed our bodies together, her back pressed tightly against the rock.

“Oh you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours, puppy.

Damn my brain. And damn her. I didn’t know why I felt like this. I never had any particular crush on anyone, least of all girls. I was getting redder and redder as I saw her dominant gaze, patiently waiting for me to speak up.

“Don’t be shy, cara mia, I would love to help you out with your thoughts” she purred in my ear, her hot breath on my neck making me shiver. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine feeling more. I unconsciously drifted even closer to her, my hand now resting dangerously low on her stomach. Thinking back to the jewelry stuck there, I hesitantly brushed a finger upwards, meeting the cold metal of the piercing. Grabbing my hair and stroking it a few times, she then squeezed my shoulder, encouraging me to explore further.

I kept circling my finger around the pendant, until I felt her shift under me. I looked up and saw her dark eyes, looking at me with a passion I had never felt or seen before. Her gaze pulled me out of my haze, as I heated up again. “Well maybe after another ten minutes you’ll tell me what you want to do with that lovely piercing of mine.” I was even redder than before, now realizing just for how long I had admired a plain piece of jewelry. As if reading my mind, she chuckled. “Maybe you like it so much because it’s on me.” I hummed , my head resting in the crook of her neck. In response she squeezed my waist and slightly tugged on my hair. I gasped at the feeing, which only turned her on more.

Slowly pulling my head back, exposing my face to her, she got close to my ear and whispered “Come on puppy, I’ll reward you if you tell me that you like it.” The heat between my legs intensified at her words, making me whimper. “ I like it.” I whispered it in her ear, barely audible, as If there was anyone around. “ Now you’re just gonna have to be a bit more specific for me, cucciola.” I thought a bit, trying to find the least possible sexual way to word it. “ I like your piercing.” She hummed. “Is that all?” I nodded, trying to seem convincing. She chuckled a bit, and then strengthened her grip on my hair. I bit my lip toughly, trying to hold in a moan. “Say you like it and I just might stop teasing you.”

“I do. I fucking love it.” She smirked at me and let go of my hair. I whined at the loss of contact and stared back at her, lust filling my eyes. She brought her face to mine, closely enough so that our nose touched me. She licked my lip where I had bit it, and left a wet kiss on the corner of my lips, and then another one on the sensitive area below my ear, earning another whimper from me. “Good girl.” She growled against my neck, and I shivered at the feeling of her lips moving.

Pulling away, she swam again to the entry in our little cave, and waited for me to catch up. I tried to get close to her again but she pulled away and grinned. “I said enough teasing for tonight, didn’t I?” At the realization of what she meant by that my face fell. She smirked again. “So fucking needy.” she breathed. We slowly made our way back to the room, my eyes being desperate to see her bare form again. We shared glances every now and then, and I would only get redder, knowing that she noticed I was staring at her.

As soon as I opened the door of our dorm, she took all her clothes off and jumped on her bed, her legs slightly spread and resting her hands on her head “Care to join, puppy?

Was she suggesting that I could sleep with her? Or more? Seeing the confusion in my eyes, she giggled and and shook her head. “Cuddle with me, baby” “Naked?” Another laugh.

“Considering how you were starting at me earlier you’d think you wouldn’t mind it.”

My mind wandered back to her belly piercing. Oh I definitely wanted to say yes. But I couldn’t. She was already teasing me enough. I knew she wouldn’t touch me without my permission, but nonetheless I was scared. My heart started racing thinking of a good excuse.

“You can say no, puppy”

I glanced back at her, thankful for her understanding. I muttered a quick thank you, and got in bed.

Before falling asleep, I thought about everything that happened that day. Our naked encounter this morning, her pulling my hair and licking my lip. I had no idea why she did this. Did she hate me? Did she want to mess with my mind?

I stopped my brain from thinking anymore, before It would ruin my whole night. I focused on my breathing, until I fell asleep.

———————————————————————-

That was it babes, hope you liked it😌

Again, I really doubt that I will be able to post for a while, but I promise I will compensate afterwards. I’m gonna pull a IWBYS on y’all.

@fuckim-so-gay @messyhairday-me

[jackambrosemodeling]

Boy Talk || Jack & Brandon

When: May 2, 2021

Where: Jack’s apartment, Santa Monica, California

Featuring: Brandon Kelly (dialogue provided by Katie @itsbrandonkelly)

Triggers: Allusion to alcoholism

After firing off a You’d better be home. text to Jack, he realised that he really should have checked first to save him from waiting outside their apartment but that’s why there were so many saying about hindsight. Still, he knocked to let his presence be known instead of texting again, hoping he’d timed his visit well.

Jack was coincidentally home when they received Brandon's text. They got out of the shower when they saw the message. After texting him back with a 'bitch I might be', Jack unlocked their door as well as the entrance door to the apartment building. They followed up with a 'door's open' text and went to go find clothes to put on before Brandon came inside.

He huffed out in amusement at the first response he got and then knocked again at the second before letting himself in. “Who leaves their door open? This is the start to every horror film ever, then again just letting yourself into someone’s home is also how they start.” He called out, heading to the kitchen instead of looking for Jack. He figured they would have answered the door if they weren’t occupied with something else and so they’d join him when they were done. When he found glasses, he settled himself on the couch and shrugged off his jacket.

"I do when I know someone's coming over!" they yelled from behind their closed bedroom door. If someone had actually broken into their apartment for nefarious purposes, Jack was more than prepared to deal with the situation. Once they were presentable, they looked around until they found Brandon in the living room. "Comfy there?" they teased. "You know I love seeing you, but a little more of a heads up would've been nice. I could've still been in the shower. I could've been actively having sex!"

“Who’s supposed to be coming over? I can’t believe you were inviting people to chill and I wasn’t one of them?” Brandon had taken out his phone to sit on the couch with him and had even gotten as far as pouring them both a drink before Jack had come to meet him. “Yep. I made myself at home.” He gave Jack his best smile, even fluttering his eyelashes for good measure. “If you loved seeing me that much you would invite me over to do those things with you. Besides, it’s not much of a surprise visit if I tell you about it, is it?”

“You! I opened the door for you, silly!” Jack looked at the two glasses, then back to Brandon. “Oh shit, the wine that Nyle sent as a moving present! I forgot I had that.” They didn’t want to be rude and throw it out, and figured it would be good to have in case of guests, so they hid it. The fact that they managed to not drink any of it themself was a miracle. “Yeah, I’m not sure how Viv would feel about that... speaking of which. Fun update in my life. I’m kind of seeing someone? Still figuring out labels and whatnot.” Though there were rumors floating around the gossip sphere, Brandon was the first person they confirmed the rumor to.

“Then the door wouldn’t be open so it wouldn’t matter if you were showering or fucking, would it?” Jack’s comment had Brandon looking at the bottle again and picking up the glass closest to it. “Mine is alcoholic. I brought you some appley juice recommended by the best palate I know.” He patted the space beside him before his eyebrows raised in surprise. “You settled before you boned me? Disgusting. Unacceptable.” Despite his words, he started grinning. “I’m so happy for you, babe. That’s cute.”

“Brandon, stop making good points,” they huffed, sitting down on the couch next to Brandon. “Oh, thanks.” While Jack had never explicitly told Brandon why they quit drinking, it appeared that he had gotten the hint. “I’m sorry. It turns out I have a SIMP gene that was activated by me moving to Santa Monica. Who would’ve thunk it?” they joked, knowing damn well that they’ve simped over every person they’ve ever dated.

“I can’t help that I’m brilliant. Sorry buddy; you just gotta live with that I’m afraid.” He hummed quietly in amusement. Brandon simply offered them a smile at their thanks. They never joined in whenever B was drinking and he was nothing if not attentive. Sometimes, at least. “Literally no one because the simp gene has always been in you and always been active but I’ll keep that to myself if it really makes you feel better.”

"All my friends are hot and smart, but I'm just hot. Story of my life." Jack sighed, taking a sip of the juice that was so graciously provided to them. "Excuse me?!" Jack exclaimed overdramatically. "Are you calling me a simp? In the comfort of my own apartment?! I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment. I don't know how I'll go on!" They busted into  laughter, unable to keep the act up.

“You’re hot and smart. What the fuck are you talking about? Be nice to my friend or I’ll kick your ass.” He reached his foot out to nudge Jack with, an amused smile on his face. “Plus, you’re also super hot, own it. And yes. I’m calling you a simp. You’re the themperor of simpington. Population... Uh, I don’t know how many people are in Santa Monica but that’s the population.”

“Brandon, I was a straight-C student in high school and have the common sense of a bag of potato chips. I know my strengths and weaknesses.” Jack knew they weren’t book smart and it didn’t bother them. “Excuse me, I am not Themperor Simpington. That title belongs to Sunwoo Seong. Have you met them? But they did skip town a while back... shit. I didn’t ask for this title. I need to find a new non-binary friend to bestow this title on. I just need more enby friends in general.”

“You don’t have the common sense of a bag of potato chips, Jesus Christ Jack.” Brandon laughed as he slapped Jack’s arm. “You’ve survived this long in this industry, babe. That’s not down to potato chip brain, even I nearly crashed out a couple of years in.” He raised an eyebrow, head tilted as he fixed them a look of disapproval. “You are Themperor Simpington. The queen has spoken. I met Sunwoo once and obviously offered to climb that tree but they left and Joonie was sad so I’m no longer a fan of tall, hot and dimpled. If it makes you feel any better, I’m a huge simp for my sweet boy.”

“Hey, I’m funny. Fuck you,” they retorted, chuckling. “I’ve been told that I’m charismatic, and that’s helped me out in the industry. I’m still not that famous though.” While Jack was relatively well-known in queer circles, heterosexual circles were a whole other ballpark. Being friends with Brandon and recently befriending Vanessa did help their social standing though. “Themperor Simpington my butt,” they grumbled. “Wait, when you say ‘my sweet boy,’ do you mean Minjoon or do you have another boo I should know about?”

“Bitch, I been trying to get you to for so long now. I was starting to think you needed glasses.” Bee broke into a laugh before he even finished his sentence, nudging Jack’s arm in his giggling. “Yeah, you have to have a look and you have to be charming to start work in this industry but to survive in it? You have to be smart. About that though, I know I keep promising you a space on my next project and it’s had a few.. speed bumps I guess? Not really speed bumps but personal delays? Either way, I know enough now to be able to tell you that Queen B’s.. that I’m releasing a trial perfume.. fragrance line. Five scents to start, each will have its own colour have theme shots with, each will have its own model to associate with and I want you, if you’re interested?” Their mumbling made Brandon grin, coughing as a terrible fake attempt at covering up the ‘Simp.’ he titled them with again. “Minjoon is my sweet boy. I don’t have another boo, not even a little bit but if you hear simp alarms going off whenever I like the instas of a very beautiful friend of mine then mind ya business.”

"Oh my god. Brandooooon!" Though Jack had quite a few friends with benefits in their days, whenever the thought of doing anything with Brandon crossed their mind, they thought about the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed seventeen-year-old they met all those years ago. Jack's eyes lit up when he started talking about his fragrance line project. "Oh hell yeah I'm interested. Just remember, my favorite colors are purple and pink." They winked at Brandon. Aside from one photoshoot in L.A. that they did after fashion weeks, their work schedule was dryer than a desert. Of course they wouldn't tell him that though. They didn't want to sound desperate. Jack would've taken this job even if they weren't in need of work. "B, you're gonna have to be a little more specific than that. I know you. You don't befriend ugly people."

The laugh that left him this time was more of a giggle and he scrunched his nose up, shaking his head. “I tease but honestly, you’re practically family. Did you know that my parents ask after you? They know as much about you as I do but.. Well, they’re embarrassing. Eh, mom’s okay. Dad’s embarrassing so you’ll probably never meet them but yeah.. They get told about the important people in my life and you’ve been in it longer than Joonie.” Brandon groaned, setting his glass down. “Can’t believe I’m being gross and emotional already. Moving on..” He said, a little louder. “Purple would be fantastic for you. It’s a very royal colour and I’m going to do the obvious and lean into that a little but silk, not velvet. Pink was going to have a sweet-candy-lace vibe to it but if you want pink I can give you pink.” Brandon rolled his eyes, despite the heat he could feel spreading up his neck. “I have a... friend called Kian and he’s... There hasn’t been a word invented yet for how beautiful he is and it’s ridiculous and gross because I don’t lose my mind over pretty boys but he’s.. He makes me blush, Jack. I don’t blush.”

"Brandooooooooon! Stop, you're gonna make me blush. I'd love to meet your parents. Parents love me. Well, actually, I just love milfs and dilfs," Jack cackled at their own dumb joke. "But in all seriousness, let me know when they come to town!" As much as they wanted to meet Mr. and Mrs. Kelly, they didn't want to go to the Kelly home to do so. Jack knew that they shared a home state with Brandon, and didn't want to reenter North Carolina at the risk of running into their family. "Ooh, purple and silk? Now you're speaking my language!" Jack wiggled their eyebrows when Brandon mentioned Kian by name. "A yes, the cute delivery boy. You've mentioned him before. We're Instagram mutuals!"

“Do it! Blush, you coward!” Brandon laughed, leaning against Jack’s arm to nudge them. “Oh my god. I can’t believe I have to say this but if you’re gonna fuck my parents, please don’t date them and wait until I’m out of the room if you’re going to flirt, I don’t need to see that. They really would love to meet you though, they’ve been waiting for permission to come to town.” Brandon grinned at Jack at their approval, giving a small nod. “I’ll get some things drawn up for you. I do have a few already as rough drafts but now I know you’re taking it, I can design something a little more tailored to you.” The warmth spreading across his cheeks and colouring his face a darker shade of pink only grew worse as Jack wiggled their brows at him. “Yeah.. Well.. He’s almost perfect. The only thing I’d change about him is his last name.” His reaction to himself was instant, throwing himself against the cushions to yell out a laugh. “And I keep saying dumb cheesy shit like that! I’m a bumbling mess around him. Like.. Like I start off all smooth and collected and then he smiles and I’m just.. fucking applying to be hired by hallmark. It’s.. It’s so cringe and gross and... I’m happy.”

"Brandon, I'll become your new step-parent and ground you, don't tempt me," Jack joked, cackling. "Well give it to them! Don't deprive me of your loving parents!" Jack didn't have loving parents of their own, so if Brandon's parents were anything like Brandon, Jack was going to latch to them like nobody's business. "Oh my goooooooooooood, that was so coooooorrrrnnnnnyyyyy! Damn, and you call me a simp! I'm not out here reciting poetry on main about my crush. And if you bring up the fact that we have keys to each others' apartments, mind your business." Jack knew they were simping hard over Vivian, but now it was Brandon's turn to be in the hot seat. "So have you considered, you know, talking to him?"

“Their ex girlfriend actually tried that once. Oh my god, it was kind of funny though. You’ll have to treat me better when our guests arrive and do as you’re told or I’ll have you cut off until you learn some damn respect.” He mimicked in a too high voice, rolling his eyes afterwards. “Like.. Honey, I’ve only just noticed you’re not the last guy they were dating and that’s only because you started pterodactyl screeching.” Despite his playful tone, Brandon could feel warmth spreading across his face. “Yeah, okay. I’ll.. I’ll invite them up to meet you.” Having made peace with the fact that he‘d made himself into a product, his parents were off limits when it came to the people in his life, knowing how fickle and superficial a lot of his relationships with people were. It was different with Jack though, Jack really was his friend. “Honestly, I’ve been an absolute mess. I pulled the whole ‘My friends call me B, you can call me any time.’ Thing on him when we met and now I just blush all the time and feel nauseous over butterflies.” He waved his hand quickly at Jack’s news, shaking his head. “NUH uh.. We are not going to just gloss over that? Oh my god? Keys? You’re entering domesticity. Like.. Me and Joonie levels of domesticity and my parents are the founders of the BranJoon wedding fan club. Like.. You’re getting into that territory..” There was a small pause before a smile spread across his face. “I’m happy for you, babe. Honestly. You deserve this.” He couldn’t help but sigh at the question, sinking into his seat a little with a pout on his features and a small shrug. “I’ve been so obvious about it. Short of getting a neon sign to carry around, I don’t know how much more obvious I could be and sometimes it feels like he’s being obvious back? Like.. It feels like it’s not just one sided? And then I start having a gay panic and do something dumb because he’s way out of my league which is a new thing for me. I do want to though. Should I?”

"Hold up, hold up. I said that as a joke. You're telling me that your parents are actually non-monogamous?! And you didn't tell me until now?! I came out as polyam like, 2-3 years ago! And now I'm in a monogamous set-up again. I missed my shot. I'm hurt." Jack put their hands over their chest and sniffled, but almost immediately returned to their usual cheerful demeanor. "I'm kidding, I'm not gonna become your step-daddy, or... I don't know what a gender-neutral equivalent would be besides 'parent,' and that doesn't roll of the tongue as well." This wasn't something they had to think about right away. It wasn't like they were going to wake up tomorrow with a child. "Ah yes, your infamous pick-up line." Jack's face turned pink when Brandon acknowledged the keys. "Okay, I actually do have an explanation! I initially gave her my spare key because I asked her to water my plants when I was away for Fashion Week. Granted, she didn't do a good job and managed to kill both plants, but that's an aside. But yeah, I just never asked for the spare key back." Jack gave Brandon a shoulder pat. They really didn't know Kian, so couldn't tell what the full situation was. "What I've learned from my many years of dating men is that men are dumb and sometimes you literally need to spell things out for them."

“As momma dearest says, monogamy is for the weak. Anyway, they were already in a relationship when you came out. Also? I don’t want to be hooking my parents up with my hotties?” Brandon pulled a face at Jack, nose scrunched up in disapproval. “To be fair though, you and Viv wouldn’t even be the first couple they’ve dated. You’d be the first I’d... somewhat approve of but..” He shrugged before laughing. “Oh my god. There are a couple.. Zaza or zeze instead of dada and mama but given the chance I’d mash up dad and mom and just refer to you as my dom to make everyone in the room uncomfortable.” He shook his head, laughing quietly. “I hate this so much, Jack please.” “I think it’s funny, definitely in my top 3 introductions.” He found himself sitting up straighter when he noticed the blush on Jack’s cheeks, a grin forming on his own features. “Oh my god. She killed your plants and you let her keep your key? Say it with me, babe. Simp. You’re cute though. I’m totally 100% on board with the two of you. She was one of my heroes.” When the conversation turned back to him, Brandon tilted his head as he weighed his options. “Not Kiki but... You’re right, I guess. He’s probably so used to everyone being in love with him that my flirting is just baseline niceties. Okay, yeah. I’ll.. I’ll tell him that I’m crazy about him. Or I’ll just text him that aggressive meme about wanting to hold hands.”

"Aaaaah, your parents are so cool! I wish my parents were cool like that. Mine are just homophobic." There was a lot more to Sofia and Tony Corleone than just that, but very few people knew about them. This was very much intentional. They made a face at 'zaza' and 'zeze.' "Yeah, not really digging those ones... Wait. Dom?!" Jack paused to laugh. "Fucking hell. Yes. That's definitely what my future kids are gonna call me." Jack never brought up the topic of kids to Vivian. They were still very early in their relationship and Jack was afraid they were too old to be a parent. It was still a nice thought though. "Yeah. I got back from Paris and she was having a bad day, so I ordered a pizza and we just... talked. Had a real heart-to-heart. I ended up staying the night, and we've basically had an open-door policy with each other ever since. And then the next day I went back into my apartment and found out about the plants."  Jack grabbed a pillow from the couch and lightly smacked Brandon's arm with it. "I know, I know! I'm a big sappy simpy mush. I'm a Cancer, I don't know what you expect from me." It took Jack a long time to accept their emotional side, but now they openly embraced it. "Or he might not know how to recognize flirting. I've met many people like that. Like the cute DJ at that bar where Minjoon used to work. Or Minjoon himself!”

“My parents have a big bank balance and even bigger hearts. That’s why I don’t approve of a lot of their partners but yeah.. As much as I give them shit for being lame, they’re the coolest. I mean, they’re the only reason I’m even.. y’know... Around.” Brandon let out an unattractive snort and sat forward to retrieve his glass, pouting when he realised it was empty but simply sat back instead of refilling it. “Please, I am begging you, think carefully as to why I’d find calling you my dom funny before you commit to that decision.” He pressed his lips together to fight his laugh before he let out a soft hum. “Do you think that’s where you’re headed with her? Is she someone you can see yourself having kids with?” He asked softly, his whole demeanour changing from playful now that they had ventured into serious topics. “You don’t have to say yes and you don’t have to have an answer right now. Things are still new with you both and y’know... Take it from the adopted, some people don’t want kids and some do.” He shrugged a little.

“Ew. You talked to each other over pizza because one of you had a bad day? That’s disgusting.” When hit with the pillow, Brandon grabbed it to tug it away from Jack so they couldn’t attack him again and he hugged it to his chest, propping his chin on it. “I live for that kind of domesticity.” He sighed wistfully. “You are a big simpy mush and I love that about you. It’s gross and honest and just very sweet. I’m really glad you have someone who makes you feel that way, babe.” Brandon  rolled his eyes and gave the pillow a small squeeze. “Vito really doesn’t recognise flirting? The dude wants to be an actor! With a face like that a lot of his roles are probably going to have it. I wanted to ask if he wanted any help getting into it because he was good to Joonie when they worked together and I always appreciate people taking care of the babie but I also feel like I don’t know him well enough to just give him a shout about a job. Eh. Maybe I’ll get Joonie to text him about this perfume thing and actually see what skills he has. Joonbug doesn’t count for the whole flirting thing though, attraction isn’t really his thing.”

"I gotcha," Jack stated, nodding. They had a similar problem when they first started modeling. They loved to spoil their loved ones-- and still do-- and people often took advantage of their generosity. As Jack grew older, they learned how to weed out the moochers. Of course Brandon was never a moocher; he wasn't the type to take without giving, plus he had plenty of his own money. Jack watched for Brandon's reaction, then chuckled in response to his face. "Babe, I know. I was joking. Could you imagine?!" They shrugged at Brandon's question. "Honestly, I have no idea. I think it's too soon to talk about that kinda stuff. I thought I was never gonna become a parent because Sage didn't want kids, but, you know, they're not my fiancé anymore." Sage not wanting kids wasn't the main reason the engagement was broken off, but it was a bone of contention in the relationship.

"Oh hush. One day you'll have a heart-to-heart over pizza too. Well, maybe not because of the whole gluten thing, but some food that you enjoy." They stuck their tongue out at Brandon. "Ohh, that's his name! At least he didn't recognize me flirting with him. Could just be that he wasn't into me because he's straight, but I'm hot so that's dumb." Jack didn't want to have sex with straight dudes anyways, so they didn't consider it a major loss. "Attraction isn't his thing? Is he asexual or something?" they asked curiously. "Wait a minute, you're deflecting!"

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Hello hello!  Thank you that’s really kind of you!!! I love your writing (congrats on Chap 9, it was awesome)!

Personally I am terrible at flirting or even understanding how it works, so I did my best with this. Hope it comes across as good!

This wound up longer than expected, whoops! Flirting with Self-conscious s/o ( Red Shoes and the 7 Dwarfs )

Arthur

Charm out the wazoo. Arthur’s boisterous personality combined with his a princely upbringing and deeply instilled ideas on what a knight should be have created an inherent need to be charming when he’s interested in someone. It can range from surprisingly smooth to over-the-top. He’s pretty good at coming up with them on the go too, responding to what may be an innocuous question with a decent line.

His lines come in three main forms. 

Traditional knight/ye olde romantic keeping ideas of courtly wooing.

“May I join you, milady/milord?”

“Should you feel fear let me know. It’s a warrior’s duty to protect that which he treasures.”

Painfully, genuinely sweet lines that work only because he’s showing his real self and is not being over-the-top.

“Could I... hold your hand?”

Boasting: AKA showing off his muscles and hyping himself up (desperate moves he thankfully only rarely uses now thanks to his experience with Snow White)

The issue with all of these is that they come across as a bit fake or showy, as this type of flirting really isn’t for everyone. So a line missing when flirting with his self-conscious s/o is something he sort of expected. He doesn’t think it’s because they’re self-conscious, Arthur just thinks he messed up.

The way the self-consciousness manifests itself is going to change the way he reacts. For example, if they withdraw a lot, he’s going to think he really goofed it and is going to apologize, asking for clarification on what he did wrong so that he doesn’t do it again. That’s a very different reaction than if s/o were to bluntly tell him they didn’t believe him, leaving him dumbfounded.

The first reaction aside, Arthur would want to let them know he genuinely meant it, but his own lack of experience would really get in the way of that. How does he go about this? Him being him though, he would confront them directly about it and in that moment let his inner sweetheart shine as he makes it clear that he meant what he said. 

If they want to explain why they feel that way about themselves, great he’ll listen, but even if they don’t he asks them to not speak about themselves that way. They’re too wonderful to be hateful towards themselves.

After that the prince makes it a point to compliment them every single day. It’s not even always flirting, it’s straight up compliments. Their smarts, their passions, their looks, their hands, their eyes - everything is free game, and he’s not going to stop giving sincere compliments until they get it through their heads he likes them for them for a reason, and they should too. 

Pino

Stating facts about them counts as flirting, right? Cards on the table I don’t think Pino is really capable of flirting well, at least not on purpose. Yes, he’s mature and the eldest but that doesn’t necessarily equip him for the terrifying world that is interpersonal relationships outside of family. To even try to flirt takes a massive amount of pondering before he lets out a single word

His flirting, thus, is not so much flirting as it is:

A) stating things he likes about them/ Sort of.

“You are very smart. And strong. Strong and smart. Smrong.”

“You are a good size.”

B) complimenting them about something they did.

“Good job.”

“’You did good with that.” 

C) Giving up and just staring silently trying to think of something to say. Anything. Come on brain you helped build a selfie machine surely stringing words together isn’t that hard.

That one video of Lin-Manuel Miranda chanting “Come on brain, think of things.”

D) Any of the above, only his brothers are there to be the world’s best worst okayest wingmen.

The thing is, is that with this style of flirting barely comes across as flirting. S/o or not, it is going to be very difficult for anyone to pick up on any of this as intentional romantic interest rather than Pino being... Pino. Most people would maybe register this as awkward platonic compliments, if even that. His insecure s/o’s self-consciousness may not kick in for a while until they figure out that this is Pino desperately trying to show intentions.

Someone give this man cue cards he’s hurting.

Actually no don’t do that his brothers might get ideas. 

Despite this terrible inability to communicate romantic feelings, Pino does have one thing going for him. A stupid amount of emotional knowledge courtesy of keeping an eye on his brothers. Pino’s not dumb. When it comes to the people he really cares about he can get a good read on them. His s/o is no different. 

Upon realizing that s/o, the same s/o he has been pining after for weeks of awkward semi-flirting, has self-conscious issues, Pino is baffled. Bamboozled. Confusioned. Setting his own feelings to the side, the eldest brother works up the nerve to tell them full throttle that they are awesome. He doesn’t know what they have been through, nor where the feelings come from, but he will not let this stand. He is a little curt and blunt, but the intent is there.

If his s/o says 1 tiny negative thing about themselves, he’s armed with something they cannot deny. Facts. Pino has been debating his brothers for years, he will make charts if he has to.

Noki

Constant non-stopping stream of compliments. Noki is what happens when a fidget spinner is outfitted with an energy-drink powered engine. Pino, Hans and Jack can only somewhat keep him from vibrating into another dimension, and that’s with their powers combined. When he has someone in his sights, that energy is re-focused on making his s/o feel like royalty. 

Flirting is, if nothing else, absolutely amazing to witness in just how it is:

One constant stream of consciousness that results in compliment after compliment.

“That’s amazing, you’re amazing, that hat really suits you-”

“Your hair looks really nice today, though it usually looks nice every day-”

Painfully, unapologetically, sincerely sweet, gen-u-ine statements that could give anyone a bad case of sugar rush. 

“Why wouldn’t I want to be here? I really like spending time with you, you’re a really fun person.”

“When you smile your noise gets all crinkly and it’s super cute, you’re like a kitten!”

Cheesy, horrible one-liners that were bad in high school then and are bad in current times now. 

“Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.” 

^^^^ That’s as much as I’m writing on that, this stuff is painful.

The painful part in all of this is that Noki, being Noki, is going to have no flippin’ clue that his s/o is feeling about this until he starts paying very close attention to their reactions. Are they turning away from him because they are hiding a blush, or because they are hiding tears? Are they blushing and incoherent because he’s just that good, or because they have no idea how to respond, this is a new experience to them, someone please show them mercy and send help. 

“Wait, you don’t believe me??? Why?!” Noki is not going to hide his bewilderment at all. This whole time he’s been flirting with them and they thought he was kidding??? He thought he was bad at this, not that they were going through some insecurities he may be encountering for the first time. He is going to sit down next to them, and s/o has about two seconds to decide whether or not they’re going to talk about it, because otherwise he is.

“You are amazing though! Everyone knows it! Snow White, Merlin, Sword-head, Hans, Jack, my brothers- we all know it! Do you think I could invent something that can possibly help this? You should have to go through life thinking badly of yourself when the world is a brighter place because of you! I-” 

TBH I do not have room for the whole rant here, but essentially this would likely wind up with him confessing because this is painfully obvious. 

By the end of this, he plans to make them blushy every single day until they see the them he sees, and beyond that too!

Kio

Shy sweetness that will punch you in the stomach when you least expect it. Oh you thought because he’s shyer and quieter than his brothers (and the entirety of the F7) that he isn’t capable of delivering some one-hit KOs using nothing but his words? You thought?! Pino is awkward but mature, Noki is a ball of constant validation, but Kio will use his reputation for shyness as an excuse to flirt out of the blue and then move on like nothing happened. 

Personal touch may be awkward for him but verbally making his s/o a goober just like him is his secret to being confident with his words. His s/o is in for it. 

Kio is a sneaky bastard who has the least range of flirtation (only 2 types really) but boy oh boy are they wildly different. 

The supreme sweetness that Noki (most of the boys if we’re being honest) take notes on when they want to be sweet to their loved ones.

“That’s a new bracelet isn’t it? It’s really suits you, you make it look good.”

“All your expressions are lovely but when you smile, the whole world seems brighter.”

The, ah, spicy stuff that none of the F7 besides Pino know that he is capable of uttering. Pino has no proof and is going crazy trying to prove to the group that the youngest brother can be downright heated with his flirting. 

“I could see you anywhere and be happy. Outside. Inside. In a house. In the bed. Especially the last one.”

“Your eyes are not the only part of you I could get lost in.”

Kio does not have the problem of not being clear in flirting. He’s not subtle. At all. As you’ve seen in some of the examples. The problem is that it can be a lot for a person to process, especially one that has self-consciousness issues. It really is out of the blue, which can throw the other person off when they’re not expecting it. Which is always. 

Thankfully, he is the happy middle between Noki and Pino’s ability to sense that something is wrong. It does take him a bit to pick up on it, but eventually he puts two and two together to realize s/o really is reacting oddly. Not in that they’re shy, but that there’s an underlying issue. It does take him a while to talk about it though because he has no clue how to approach it. It’s not a subject he’s good at tackling. 

The thought his s/o is going through this solo though does get him to gently pull them aside and ask them about it. He wants to know if it’s him overstepping into a very uncomfortable territory, if it’s specific things that trigger a certain response or if it’s something else entirely. Kio is a good listener, and mentally remembers a lot of notes for the next time he wants to compliment them. 

Very much makes it a point to let them know that hey, he likes them for them, and that yes, he is going to continue to give specific compliments their way because he adores them and they are worth it. 

[catsitta]

Your writing, especially in BotU, is just amazing! It's so poetic and flows so well! Do you have any tips for learning to write fiction? Also I've noticed in your fae focused and underworld fiction you mention so much in regards to legends and myths that reflect real ones, what kind of research do you do for this or do you already know of this/made it up?

You’re making me blush. Heh. 

Alright, this going to be a long one, I got wordy.

My writing style mostly reflects how I learned to self-edit, since most of my fics are unbeta’ed. How do I do my own editing? If I find a tricky passage, I will write it how it would be spoken. While not ‘proper’ in many ways, a language when spoken aloud can tell you whether or not a phrase will sound right to the mind’s internal ear. In fact, my main advice for anyone writing anything, essay to novel, is to read it out loud whenever possible. (It also helps find and reduce typos, but if you’re a speed reader like me, you may still skip over stuff because your brain is sometimes super helpful (not) and fixes/fills in words!) Doing this will also force you look at your writing and realize that, even if it is grammatically correct, sometimes phrases will sound/look off and need to be redone.

Another tip that works for me (and is one I learned while writing essays in highschool and really embraced in my college writing courses), is to put words to a page, perfect them later. Your best solution to finishing a fic is to literally write it, then go back later and revise. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be structure. If you like knowing what will happen in every chapter before you start and write purposefully, that is great! But I would never get anything done if I made sure it was perfect while writing it or constantly backtracked to fix stuff before a chapter is done.

I will use my drabble fic, Handle with Care, as an example. I have 100 words dedicated to a chapter. A chapter should always inform the reader, bring up a question, answer a question or otherwise move the story and its characters forward, whether you are writing 100 words or 10,000.

.

[CHAPTER ONE:

“I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE, DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

Red rolled his eyelights as he dropped the last of the moving boxes onto the living room floor. Even trashed from the move in, this place looked better than the last. The walls had paint on them and the carpet was from this decade. Best go see what poor sap his little bro was yapping at before they got kicked out. Moving into the hallway outside the apartment, he spotted Edge and his victim. Red swallowed. It was a skeleton monster. Who looked up and winked at Red.]

(HwC had a basic framework written. As in, major keystones/plot points that needed reaching/bridging between.)

My process:

Q: What happened/needs to happen?

A: Red has just moved into a new apartment with his little brother, and while he is moving in, he meets his romantic interest for the fic. This romantic interest is his neighbor.

Q: Is the plot forwarded?

A: Yes. 

Q: Is new information introduced? Is it important? 

A: Red is moving in. Sans is his neighbor. Edge and Red are brothers and didn’t come from the best neighborhood previously. Edge is very outspoken. 

Q: Are there questions a reader may have? Or questions being answered?

A: Why/how did Red move? Why is his little brother living with him? Who is the neighbor? What is the neighbor’s purpose relating to the MC? How old is Edge? How old is Red?

Q: Does it make the Reader think or feel? What do I want my Reader to feel?

A: While not a very emotion impacting chapter in itself, it is supposed to be a cute bit of family fluff that hints at both a future romance as well as possible conflict arising from the reasons why Red and Edge moved.

.

I highly encourage people to try writing a 100 word drabble fic. Whether you are an experienced writer that writes long, detailed chapters on the regular, or someone who is just starting out and is finding it hard to find the time to commit to a long fic. 100 words is challenging in that you have to use every word effectively, but I’ve personally found it relaxing and even beneficial to me as a writer. After all, if I am having a bad day and nothing is going write and words don’t make sense? Well, I only need to write 100 and then try again tomorrow. It’s good for breaking an obsessive, perfectionistic cycle where you may be impeeding your own progress by simply never finishing. 

My last tip is to simply read.

Read anything and everything. You like romance and want to write romance? Read a bunch of it. Professional novels, fanfiction, poems, otome games, comics, manga...All of it. But also don’t be afraid to branch out. Every genera has different strengths. I LOVE fantasy. Traditional high fantasy with dragons and elves and knights and mages and great, cliche plots about good toppling the forces of evil. LOVE IT. And what is fantasy’s strength? World building. What is romance’s? Relationships and dialogue. The more you read, the more you subconciously pick up on diction and the tropes/feel of a genera. The most common comment I have recieved while pursuing a degree, was that I write like I read a lot. That I like to read. And it really stuck with me. Because it is rather true. You can usually tell the difference in the writing of someone who only reads because they must (or only the classics you are assigned in classes) and someone who reads for the love of reading. So be someone who writes like they love to read. Like they love language. 

.

Now that I have rambled!

To answer your second question, my more myth based fics are always a hybrid of real mythology and stuff I’ve made up that is more cohesive with the world I’m writing about. If I am writing Undertale fanfiction, I want it to feel like Undertale fanfiction. I want to maintain certain themes and ideas, even if they don’t align with mythology. 

Greek Mythology is also a lot more fixed in places than faerie lore, and thus it needs more research to stay true. While in turn, you can be wildly inventive with faerie lore. Thus with my fae fics, I draw from a wide variety of sources, mostly from memory, be it from books I have read, games I have played, or stories I have been told. (It is often easier to ‘write what you know’ after all. If you read Norse Mythology for fun, then writing a fic retelling a norse myth may be more fun for you as a writer than writing a scifi drama you have to pour tons of hours of research into.)

As a quick example:

Bride of the Underworld’s basic premise is the Abduction of Persephone myth. It is very popular in media and it has endless interpretations. Turning the Underground into the Underworld was a natural step. But I never feel the need to 100% follow the mythology to the tee. This is an Undertale fanfiction after all! So, the math lays out like this. If Frisk is Persephone and Persephone’s mother is Demeter, then Frisk’s mother should be Toriel. Toriel’s husband is Asgore, the King of Monsters, who would be a natural choice for King of Gods, and is thus, a placeholder for Zeus. But Demeter isn’t married to Zeus, one could say. No, but he is married to Hera and Toriel can also fill that roll. In the game, they are estranged, which works perfectly, in that Toriel could have/raise Frisk in private, and become the sheltered maiden that Persephone/Kore was in mythos. (Now play apples-to-apples with a wonderful AU co-creator for 50k+ words and you have a fic.)

[behrooz-musigns]

+ Innovative, warm, witty, kind, protective, geeky +/- Intellectual, observant, horny - impatient, unreliable, outspoken, easily distracted

++ BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Behrooz Hakim Najm PRONUNCIATION: Beh-roes MEANING: Lucky ZODIAC: Pisces ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Bi SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Poly CURRENT LOCATION: Epineios OCCUPATION: Student, IT

++ BIOGRAPHY

Behrooz personally invented the saying ‘I guess luck is just on my side’, or so they would have everyone in their school believe when they got another high score in one of the games they played in the back of the school. They would do guessing games, with people asking them a number which they had written down, and Behrooz would always guess right. 

Sadly luck rarely followed them home. They were raised by their grandmother, who forbade them to hang out after school, and certainly ensured they would never be seen hanging out with girls on their own. She would remind them time and time again of their father, a gambler who had made it big winning game after game, then one day showed up with a baby, only to drink himself to death a year later. She would remind them that they were the family’s burden, and they would have to behave in order to not bring another burden upon them. 

And as they grew older, luck left them more and more often. Being a practicing Muslim was already a hard sell, but with the world growing more extreme around them, they found the community stifle their ambitions daily. It confused Behrooz that while their religion gave them anxiety, praying chased the demons away. It was almost as if they couldn’t have the one without the other. 

Life was a constant . Bad people walking in and out of their life, bullies, racist teachers, judgemental neighbors, judgemental extended family members. Behrooz tended to lock themselves up in their room every day, listening to music or playing games of chance. A knot seemed to live inside their stomach all the time, a fear of being plucked off of the street and never arriving home. 

When that actually happened, it wasn’t like they had imagined. 

Being mostly interested in digits, numbers, code, etc. Behrooz hadn’t paid much attention to history class when Ancient Greek and Ancient Rome were being discussed, and as they saw a creepy creature with goat legs walk up to them, they really wished they had. There was a whole speech about being in mortal danger, gods, strange creatures on the loose, yada yada. Behrooz had a headache by the time the goat legged creature told them to follow him. Very close to sparking some lie about soccer practice or prayers, their head snapped back to attention when the creature suggested they had a mother who was a God. 

The only thing driving them forward was the possibility of learning who their mother was, something in their brain sending out constant messages of: gotta meet mom, gotta meet mom, gotta meet mom. Rather than forming coherent sentences. They disappeared into some cleared out old train tunnel, and emerged on the other side of the bleedin’ ocean. All Behrooz knew to say was: “thought your accent sounded funny.” Before being swarmed by the strangest assortment of kids, some younger than their fourteen years, others older, everyone excited. Was this the right time to say they were Muslim and watch everyone slowly disappear like they had done back in school? 

Nobody really seemed to care however, over the years - in which they discovered their godly parent, never got to meet her, discovered she was probably the most difficult goddess to find, got a large portion of the camp to join them during Ramadan - Behrooz stayed at the Camp the whole year round. They didn’t wish to return to the UK, and followed online lessons to keep up with their education. Of course they were bleedin’ lucky, and with time they learned how to use that luck to their advantage, and to that of those around them. Yet, Behrooz started to appreciate the balance of it all, the bad and the good. 

To them, code was good. Watching others struggle with programs and computers, just made them more interested in it. Algorithms fascinated them, they could spend hours looking at code trying to figure out how it worked. When the time came for them to move out of the warm nest of Camp Half Blood, Behrooz had already set their sights on studying Programming at the University of New York. 

++ HEADCANONS

++ Horny as hell, and often very lucky in love, although they can never seem to hold on to anyone for long. 

++ A skilled programmer with a love for code and numbers and digits. They can stay up nights on end trying to figure out some new program or write an algorithm of their own.

++ Despite their interests in the digital, Bez spends most of their time outside if they can help it. They love forests, trees, the fresh air. They take walks a lot, driving the metro to the park and helping themselves to a huge thermos of coffee. 

++ Religion is an important part of their life, without it they would be nowhere. Whenever they feel lost or anxious, they tend to be eager for it to be time to pray, something they do five times a day. 

++ They’ve read the Quran, although their grandmother never taught them Arabic beforehand, so they’re currently reading it in English in between classes, thesis writing, and walks. 

++ Bez is a very kind individual, who will help others whenever they can - mostly with IT stuff. As a job, or a way to get money mostly, they help teachers or partake in arranging anything that needs a programmer. They’re a regular Upwork user. 

++ In fights Bez uses their ability to generate luck to get other Demigods out of trouble and make the damage less. 

++ They love bunk beds.

++ Wears very loose-fitting clothing. 

++ Drinks way too much coffee and black tea. 

++ Doesn’t like it when people constantly nag.

++ Extremely messy, will end up finding coffee mugs everywhere. 

++ Is always running from one place to the next because he has too much planned on a daily basis. 

++ SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: Above average  OFFENSE: Lacking  DEFENSE: Main attribute  SPEED: Above average  INTELLIGENCE: High ACCURACY: Descent AGILITY: Good STAMINA: Fine  TEAMWORK: Speciality  TALENTS: Luck manipulation SHORTCOMINGS: Easily distracted, no overview LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: English  DRIVE?: yes  JUMP-STAR A CAR?: not really  CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: absolutely not  RIDE A BICYCLE?: absolutely  SWIM?: decently PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: piano and guitar  PLAY CHESS?: no  BRAID HAIR?: one day maybe  TIE A TIE?: yes  PICK A LOCK?: yes

++ PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Viveik Kalra  EYE COLOR: brown  HAIR COLOR: brown  HAIR TYPE/STYLE: semi-long, wavy, thick GLASSES/CONTACTS?: no  DOMINANT HAND: right  HEIGHT: 1.75m WEIGHT: 65kg  BUILD: lean  EXERCISE HABITS: jogging in the morning, some sparring during the weekend  SKIN TONE: brown  TATTOOS: none  PIERCINGS: none  MARKS/SCARS: none  NOTABLE FEATURES: three-day beard on account of forgetting to shave  USUAL EXPRESSION: concentrated or dreamlike  CLOTHING STYLE: loose clothing, soft fabric.  JEWELRY: two rings on their right hand  ALLERGIES: incense

++ PSYCHOLOGY

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral ELEMENT: earth MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: Dyslexia, slight ADHD  SOCIABILITY: normal  EMOTIONAL STABILITY: average, let’s not talk about it.  OBSESSION(S): code  COMPULSION(S): gambling, drinking coffee and forgetting coffee, hyper-focus PHOBIA(S): fear of people being Islamphobic  ADDICTION(S): caffeine DRUG USE: none  ALCOHOL USE: none PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: no

++ MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: quick, active, excited  ACCENT: London British  QUIRKS: licks teeth, uses swear words HOBBIES: coding, walking, jogging, drinking coffee, is Starbucks a hobby?  HABITS: forgetting to sleep, running from place to place  NERVOUS TICKS: tapping feet, sighing a lot DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: meeting their mom, finishing their education  FEARS:  fear of being neglected or ignored SENSE OF HUMOR: yes, mostly dark British humor. DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: a lot, though they use ‘bleedin’’ and several other more British less terrible words.  CATCHPHRASE(S): “must be my lucky day” “I was born lucky”

++ FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: walking/hiking in the forest ANIMAL: raven BEVERAGE: coffee  BOOK: Thief Lord by Cassandra Clarke CELEBRITY: Tom Hanks  COLOR: Green DESIGNER: ??  FOOD: Sharma FLOWER: Lotus  GEM: Emerald  HOLIDAY: Eid al-Fitr  MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: Bike  MOVIE: The Internship  MUSICAL ARTIST: Sigur Ros QUOTE/SAYING: “No person knows what he will earn tomorrow”  SCENERY: forests  SCENT: freshly grinded coffee  SPORT: soccer SPORTS TEAM: Manchester united  TELEVISION SHOW: I, Robot  WEATHER: overcast and drizzly VACATION DESTINATION: -

++ ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: to create their own algorithm that can help people choose what they want the most  GREATEST FEAR: being targeted or discriminated based on their religion  MOST AT EASE WHEN: at home, in their bed, with coffee, coding, or hiking in the forest, or at a mosque praying  LEAST AT EASE WHEN: in a crowded place, discussing religion  WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: being killed before finishing their degree  BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: getting a scholarship on luck alone  BIGGEST REGRET: never having known their father MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: grabbing a girl by her boobs in a hug from behind by accident  BIGGEST SECRET: sometimes wishes they weren’t born a Demi-god.   TOP PRIORITIES: finishing their thesis

[matildaisautisticandproud]

April 8th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

1. People with autism don’t want friends. Albeit this might be true to some, this isn’t true to all. Most autistics, I’ve found, want to have more friends, but either don’t know how to go about befriending people and/or people don’t want to spend time with them. Personally, for years, I always longed to have a friend who got me and that I could be open with. (I struggled to actually be myself around people my whole life and still do.) My roommate, Missy, is that friend now, but you don’t know how lonely it is going through grade school without a best friend.

Lots of other girls had besties and many of my friends had friends that they shared their most darkest secrets with; they were super close to each other. Since I didn’t know how to go about forming that connection and I am generally a reserved person, I never had that friend and it was painful. I wanted a best friend, but I didn’t know how to establish a strong connection, maintain it, and most people thought I was “weird” and didn’t really want to be my friend.

I don’t mean to throw my own pity party by saying this, but I was the person who others would one day make me feel on top of the world by including me, but then, would distance themselves once they were done with me and make me feel terrible. This constant cycle of inclusion and exclusion, interest and disinterest, was really damaging to younger me. It frustrated me and made me think the reason I couldn’t have a close, good friend was because there was something wrong with me. (There’s never something wrong with you (unless you’re a murderer or that of the like). It’s society who is in the wrong for tossing aside such a beautiful human being.)

2. People with autism can’t feel or express emotion. This statement is 100% false. By saying this, people are invalidating the emotions of autistics, which is never okay. It is true that many on the spectrum have the inability to recognize their own emotions and/or don’t express their emotions as “normal” people do, but we still have feelings. Just recently, I have gotten better at identifying what I’m feeling, but I’m still not adroit with it. Also, I think that I feel a lot more deeply that those not on the spectrum, as do many autistics. Because I don’t really express my emotions, I’ve had people say that I seem “emotionless” and “robotic” all throughout my life. I never did and still don’t think much of it; it’s just how I am.

I get scared, sad, furious, elated, and more. Just because I don’t express my emotions in a way you can understand doesn’t mean I don’t have them. My body language is just different. (Also, I’ve learned to internalize all my emotions and grievances so, no body really knows what’s going on in my head.)

3. All autistics are just like [insert name here]. As I’ve stated numerous times before, the nature of ASD is that no two manifestations of it are exactly the same. Two autistic people may share similar experiences and struggles, but autism still affects them at least slightly differently.

4. Autistics can’t understand the emotions of others and are apathetic. Many autistics actually experience “too” much empathy. Some are apathetic, but as are some people who aren’t on the spectrum. Everyone is susceptible to being apathetic.

5. An autistic person has only struggles; they’re just their autism. Yes, autism is a key part of every autistic’s life, but it is not the only aspect of who we are. I think people should focus more on what a child can do than what they can’t, overall. Sure, Mark may not be able to handle going to the mall due to overstimulation, but he is especially skilled in painting. People should focus less on faults and flaws. Just focusing on such things will make life drab and miserable; plus, people as a whole are more than just their struggles.

6. People can grow out of autism, and it is only present in children. I, along with many others, are proof that this is false. I dislike how the struggles of adults (with and without autism, ADHD, and other disorders) are ignored in society. Not all problems go away with adulthood; it isn’t some cure all.

7. “There wasn’t all this autism/ADHD/etc. stuff back in my day so, it can’t be real.” These disorders are very much real. Perhaps the numbers have been increasing, but maybe there has just been a decrease in ignorance and an increase in compassion and acceptance. Also, diagnosing has gotten much easier, and since there is more knowledge available (i.e. the Internet) than ever before, people can self-screen and then determine whether or not to be tested. The only reason I am diagnosed is because I took the time to research different disorders via the Internet and decided to get professionally evaluated.

8. “Autism is caused by one thing.” Whether this “thing” be vaccines, a gene mutation, bad parenting, trauma, etc., this statement has been proven false by science. When studying the cause of autism, scientists have found that in one person, one gene could be the contributor to the person’s autism while in another, it’s a combination of several genes. The cause is unknown, but bad parenting has been debunked. However, there is evidence to suggest that the presence of heavy metals within a person’s system may be a possible cause. (Numerous children with autism have been found to have high levels of heavy metals within their body.)

As for the vaccine statement, it is unknown whether or not they do or don’t cause autism. There was a study carried out with the goal of proving or disproving the claim, but since the data was skewed, the results are invalid. I don’t necessarily support the claim, but there is not enough evidence for either side of the argument for me to take a side. I am a neutral in this debate. Though, I don’t believe that one should risk the death of their child just because they’d rather not have an autistic child. We’re not that bad; several parents love having an autistic child.

9. Autism only affects the brain. Again, I and many others are living proof that this claim is false. Many people with autism have co-occurring conditions like allergies, food sensitivities, gastrointestinal disorders, and epilepsy. Personally, I have numerous food sensitivities and gastrointestinal issues. I haven’t gotten a name as to what is wrong with my digestive system, but I do know there is a problem given what I experience on a daily basis.

10. All autistics are intellectually disabled. All statements that start with “all autistics” are automatically false. Even if the claim doesn’t pertain to autism itself (i.e. a political belief), autistics, like other people, have their own sets of beliefs and their own lifestyles. We’re human just like you; all that’s different is how our brains are wired and the struggles we endure.

To combat this claim, many autistics have a normal to high IQ level and can excel in school. There are those who have lower IQs, but they still can excel. One’s potential to be great isn’t dictated by IQ or a disability (or an ability and/or advantage for that matter).

11. Autistic people are great at STEM (Science Technology Engineering Math) classes. No. Although I especially excel with math and loved Algebra and Calculus, not everyone does. Some of us are great when it comes to STEM courses, but others of us struggle. Not all of us are even remotely interested in STEM, as well. Some of us prefer the arts, labor-intensive activities (i.e. construction), et cetera. We all have our different strong suits.

12. All autistics are savants. Some are, some aren’t. Although we all have special interests, most aren’t savants, actually. I don’t know where I fall when it comes to being a savant or not, but I’m not some super-genius. I didn’t invent some new scientific thing when I was 12 nor did I make a groundbreaking discovery. I do want to do something great with my future career, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be worthy of stardom and fame or be labeled as a savant.

The one thing I dislike is how people dismiss the existence of savants because they hate the stereotype. Autistic savants do exist, as do non-autistic savants, and saying that they don’t is harmful. Stereotypes come from somewhere, right? Savants exist and they deserve representation and appreciation too.

13. Autistic people don’t have relationships and moments of intimacy. Yes, they do. I personally don’t want a relationship right now nor do I want to engage in such intimate acts, but others do.

14. Autism kills marriages. This myth was made widespread by the infamous organization Autism $peaks. Sure, it may end some marriages, but why marry someone who is autistic then? If you truly loved the person then, you would accept them, autism and all.

15. Nonverbal autistics are all intellectually disabled. Although some are, not all are. A handful are highly intelligent. Autism isn’t a one size fits all thing.

16. Autistic people can’t do anything on their own/will never be independent. Some autistics won’t be able to be independent, but not all. Others don’t need any support while some, like me, need minimal support. People with all sorts of aid requirements exist on the autism spectrum. Each of us needs differing levels of support; also, especially so if one also has a chronic illness, some days I will be able to be completely independent, but the next day I may need lots of external support.

17. Having an autistic child is a tragedy. Yes, autism does make things more challenging, but there’s a silver lining in it. Like every other child, autistics are capable of great things and have talents. If people would just look past the struggles, label, and faults then, they’ll see an amazing person who isn’t just a diagnosis, but a fully fledged human being.

18. Autistic people are just rude. On honesty, we are not trying to be rude when saying the truth. In our brains, it is something that is acceptable to say. Many of us thrive on being honest as our brains tend to rely on logic more than anything else. By pointing out the size of your nose, we’re not trying to be rude. Personally, I don’t really struggle with being too honest, but sometimes I do say things aloud that shouldn’t be said. I just think of it as uttering an observation; I have no rude intents. When I am trying to be rude, you will know XD.

On conversational difficulties, it’s not that we don’t want to talk to you, it’s that we don’t know how to continue and/or initiate conversations. Not all autistics struggle a lot when it comes to social communication, but some do. Those who do, we just don’t know how to go about conversing “as normal”. We can’t help it. We’re not being rude. I struggle to continue and start conversations, which has led to many people thinking that I don’t like them. If you want to have a proper, lengthy conversation with me then, you have to start it and be able to keep it going.

On eye contact, we don’t mean to seem rude by not looking you in the eye when talking. For me, maintaining eye contact is distracting, which means that my focus is being directed away from what you’re saying, making me not able to adequately listen to you. Some autistics have little to no problems with eye contact.

19. “You don’t have to stim. Therefore, you’re just doing it to annoy me.” For me, it takes a lot of courage for me to feel comfortable with stimming around you. So, by ridiculing me for doing something that soothes me, you’re furthering my insecurity about it and hurting me. People who stim do it to self-soothe and to regulate themselves. Would you rather I shutdown (go nonverbal), experience sensory overload, or even have a meltdown? I don’t think so. Let people stim. Some of us don’t stim, but it is a lifeline for some of us.

20. “You don’t look autistic.” Well, riddle me this: What does autism look like to you? Apparently, we have completely different views on what an autistic person looks like. For me, an autistic person is anyone (a friend, neighbor, family member, student, teacher etc.) from any walk of life of any religion, lifestyle, culture, etc. The “autism look” is the generic person to me. Is there a specific way we should look, though? Please tell me more about your vision of how an autistic person outwardly appears.

I could go on about this subject for hours, but I’ll stop myself here. If you want me to debunk more myths and/or react to certain common sayings/stereotypes then, please leave a message in my ask box. I really, really, really! want to write more about this topic.

[etspera]

@ Tagging Game

i was tagged by @hitsuaya who is fantastic!

rules: tag 10 people you think would like to be tagged, and copy/paste the asks into a new post. Answer all/as many of them as you want!

1. do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen? meh, i don’t mind either: writing with my hand is what makes it special! 

2. would you prefer to live in the country or in the city? i love Budapest, don’t get me wrong, but as @hitsuaya mentioned, living by the sea together is an absolute Goal. Hitsu could decorate our walls with their drawings Jean Cocteau style (https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/la-villa-santosospir)

3. if you could learn a new skill, what would it be? i am learning knitting at the moment, don’t at me... also, i would love to know how to use photoshop!

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? no. 

5. what was your favorite book as a child? Baráth Katalin, a Hungarian write, had this book where a girl gets lost in Greek Mythology, cause HERMES asks her one day after school. It basically shows Jason’s story with the Golden Fleece through a Hungarian teenage girl’s eyes.... AMAZING. Also. Hungarian Shaman book: Gergő and the Dream-Catchers!! Meg Cabot was also a fave, I remember eating her books.

6. do you prefer baths or showers? showers, cause they energize or sooth me. I can feel actually clean after them idk; it’s not a rational thing. 

7. if you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? Vampire - why be dead when you can continue to be funny and sexy. 

8. paper or electronic books? there is nothing like paperbooks, though i understand the pain of not knowing where to store them. 

9. what is your favorite item of clothing? i have a long cotton dress that is covers me BUT lets air in and since it’s a simple beige thing, i can accessorize boldly :-) 

10. do you like your name? would you like to change it? i love my name, thank You. 

11. who is a mentor to you? a what. 

12. would you like to be famous? if so, what for? not famous, but i want to have something to be remembered by. :-) A book or several. 

13. are you a restless sleeper? depends on my moods: when there is a lot of work, i sleep like a baby, when something has upset me, i find it hard. also, many mock me cause i can fall asleep VERY easily. 

14. do you consider yourself to be a romantic person? i know i am, it is my hybris.

15. which element best represents you? water - last year and this year taught me humility and how emotional i really am. i fought a lot over the years to hide this part in me, or “correct” this sensitivity, but what i learnt that it’s a core part of my personality and who i ultimately want to be. 

16. who do you want to be closer to? i want to be loyal and supportive of the friends i have, and be much stricter who i let in close. 

17. do you miss someone at the moment? yes.

18. tell us about an early childhood memory. i remember memorizing floor tiles at my grandmother’s house with my brother. It was summer, the window was open, my grandmother slept in the afternoons and we connected imaginary dots and names different shapes through the tile geometry. it’s a good memory. 

19. what is the strangest thing you have eaten? Bayou stew with alligator tails in it.

20. what are you most thankful for? every opportunity to learn something new, and also that fate (however you call it) let me meet loving people whom i can freely love too!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

21. do you like spicy food? YES. Hungarian cuisine is also more than ideal for this purpose.

22. have you ever met someone famous? i’ve seen them from afar and that was enough.

23. do you keep a diary or journal? continuity?? in this brain??? less likely than you believe. 

24. do you prefer to use pen or pencil? pen

25. what is your star sign? libra sun, cancer moon, capricorn rising... control freaks united.

26. do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? I love CRUNCHY cereal, but imma be honest with You, i usually forget i have breakfast ready and it gets soggy. 

27. what would you want your legacy to be? i would like teenage/ young adult/ adult girls from a modest or abused background in my present and my future feel understood and represented; to make them feel and make them know it gets better and we are not alone. i would like to teach a lot of children and teenagers about the absolute humanity and joy and selflessness and cruciality of art. 

28. do you like reading? What was the last book you read? Yes! I reread Joseph and His Brothers by Thomas Mann. That book series fucks. 

29. what are you afraid of? being shamed and misunderstood. 

30. what is your favorite scent? cinnamon; the air before a great storm. 

31. do you address older people by their name or surname? nicknames, though i check with them. i rarely use people’s first names in person, it is a very intimate act for me. 

32. if money was not a factor, how would you live your life? “in a small house near the ocean in Italy of course” :-) 

33. do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? T H E    D E P T H   O F  T H E   O  C  E  A  N.

34. what would you do if you found $50 in the ground? i mean. i would search for its owner a bit, but otherwise keep it and buy myself and/or someone a gift? 

35. if you were to get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? have already a scale sign on my left arm; i’m thinking of tattooing a quote too. 

36. what can you hear now? cars outside and some music from my brother’s room. 

37. where do you feel the safest? when i am alone. but that can also bug me or take me down in the long run. 

38. if you could travel back to any era, what would it be? i am not that interested in time travelling - human nature remained and remains as terrible and terrific as before (though i’d check out 16th century Europe). 

39. what is your most used emoji?  🙃 🙃 🙃 🙃 🙃 🙃

40. describe yourself using one word. wistful.

41. what do you regret the most? cruelly and very suddenly cutting one specific person out from my life in fear of intimacy and as a remnant of deep-seated childhood issues.

42. last movie you saw? Mother/Madeo (2009) superb film. 

43. last tv show you watched? Santa Clarita Diet, netflix you fucking coward.

44. invent a word and its meaning: hypatheon - a sense of dread actually paralyzing you. 

if the following people have time and energy and are in the mood, please don’t hesitate: @trulytheoretical @neverfeedthesarcophagi @mybrainishealthy @niquesse @wolfhalls @woman-wolf-witch @vividfantasy7 @via-whitmore @merfaerie @sovietspies 

[lost-in-time-marie]

Into the Shadows: Chapter Four

         After my birthday, September flew quickly away into October; I could hardly believe Halloween was just days away. I thought of the masked figure that saved me often and always wore the necklace he gave me for my birthday. I dared not utter a word of his existence to anyone. I told myself it was because everyone would think I’m crazy, I mean I still hadn’t ruled out egregious hallucinations from the realm of reality, but somehow, I imagined if I said it all out loud, it would be less real, like maybe it was just a dizzy daydream. If anyone asked about the necklace, I simply said it was birthday present from a friend, no one pressed it beyond that, they had no reason to. Except Natasha. Natasha made frequent curious glances at it, sensing the importance and, perhaps more so, that there was something I wasn’t telling her. An instinct that only encouraged her to unveil any secret I could possibly be hiding. It was getting increasingly difficult to throw her off my trail.

         James stuck with Natasha, Aleks, and I, or, on occasion, Katy and I. We continued to take to him, but I grew more suspicious too, constantly asking questions about him and his mysterious life, attempting to figure him out. His answers were all the same, and I knew them well, because none were real answers, they were half-answers with absolutely no details or personality to them. I was beginning to feel like Natasha, questioning motives and growing overly suspicious about the smallest details. Overnight James became the most popular kid in school, everybody loved him. It wasn’t hard to see why, with a face like that and an all-too-charming personality. I had not had hardly any run-ins with Ryder, thank god, and actively ignored him in class. I was still mystified by the one time I’d seen him act like a human being in the elementary school office, but otherwise did my best not to think of him.

         “Yes, it is a fitting last name for someone so grim,” James joked one morning in Acting, lounging easily at his desk. I had to wade through another sea of swooning girls this morning just to take my seat. Things had been like this when Ryder first arrived, but when his personality became evident, people mostly just teased him. For as much as I disliked the guy, I never participated.

         “Come on, James, leave him alone. He’s probably just shy,” I blurted, sitting down and unpacking my things. I hadn’t meant to interfere, although I was usually the first to stand up to a bully, Ryder could handle himself, the words just popped out of my mouth of their own accord.

         “All the sudden coming to the defense of your mortal enemy, how mighty,” James teased, sly smile creeping up his face.

         “He’s kind of rude, but it’s no reason to be mean, besides that joke is terrible,” I supplied weakly, rolling my eyes. Ryder skulked into class then and the crowd instantly dispersed. It was like his negative aura had a physical effect on people. It bothered me that James bullied Ryder, he seemed much more vindictive about it than the other students, like he had a personal grudge against him, I kept pushing that pesky thought away, but it popped up every now and again.

         James kept pushing, “You’ve never said anything before.”

         “I just don’t like seeing someone being bullied,” I shrugged, staring at the board, refusing to look at him. James nodded, thoughtful, but didn’t push the matter further; he had an uncanny sense of when he was overstepping his bounds.

“Guess what today is, class?” Mrs. Robertson enthused loudly, addressing her students after the bell rang, “Nomination for roles in the play!” She answered her own question cheerfully. I groaned silently and resisted the urge to slam my head into the desk repeatedly. Mrs. Robertson told us the other day that there would be two days of deciding roles for “Romeo and Juliet”. The first day, today, would be spent calling out each role, any person who wanted that role would raise their hand and their names would be written down, other people in the class could also nominate someone for a role as long as someone seconded it. What an inventive way to force participation, I had thought sarcastically. The second day, tomorrow, each volunteer or nominee would audition for their role; later the parts would be decided and announced, anyone left over would be on the stage crew. I hate plays. I hate participating in plays. I hate that we are performing this play, most of all.

Mrs. Robertson called out Romeo and one or two guys raised their hand. Elizabeth, the girl behind me, nominated James, and Kim, Elizabeth’s desk partner, seconded the motion.

“I nominate Ryder Grim,” Katy’s voice squeaked out shyly. Every jaw in the class hit the floor and every head turned towards Katy. Her round face was redder than a tomato and she squirmed slightly in her chair from the attention. Her brown eyes found me from across the room and pleaded for help.

“I second that motion,” Another, more confident, voice supported. My voice, I realized a second too late. The words had just tumbled out, and before I could take them back, Ryder’s name was added to the list. I don’t know why I did that, perhaps because he despised attention and I despised him. From the corner of my eye, I saw Ryder flash me a baleful look. His gaze was so intense, the daggers shooting out of his eyes froze me in place. My skin bean to crawl with the intensity of his scorn. I refused to turn his way and resisted the urge to flinch and slide away from the daggers he aimed at me. I would pay for this, of that one thing I was absolutely certain.

“Juliet,” Mrs. Robertson called, moving on to the next name on the list.

         “I nominate Kristin for Juliet,” James announced loudly. I choked and stared at him with wide eyes, feeling oddly betrayed. I forced my brain to operate to make a refusal, but another voice cut me off.

“I second that motion,” An all too familiar, harsh voice declared. I jerked around in my desk. Ryder sat, overly casual, with his hand in the air. My jaw dropped.

“What?” I hissed. A dark smile played at the corner of his lips, but otherwise the stone mask stayed in place. Payback’s a bitch.

“Okay, moving on,” Mrs. Robertson continued after more girls raised their hand and their names were added to the list. I sat, dazed and numb, in my desk the rest of the class period, trying desperately to compute the events of the period.

The rest of my classes passed easily, thankfully, and the end of the day was fast approaching. After the initial shock of being nominated, and additional height being added to my already heaping pile of hate for Ryder, I formed a quick plan to just bomb the audition, forcing my way to stage crew or some other small role with few lines. Unfortunately, my luck didn’t hold, and my day took another turn for the worst in Chemistry.

“Kristin Hart! Please come up here,” Mrs. Gold called halfway through class. I quickly stood from my desk and walked to the front of the room where she waited for me. Mrs. Gold had assigned book work for us today so she could prepare for what she called “a new teaching method” she wanted to try.

“Kristin, I am partnering you up with Ryder Grim. It has been shown that students can learn better through collaboration. A lot of the students in here really need the boost to their grade, yourself included,” Mrs. Gold lectured sternly, her sharp, beady eyes boring into me over the wiry rim of her glasses. For such a seemingly frail old woman, she was deceptively strong and stern, in fact she was known for making younger students cry. I think she secretly enjoyed it.

“Everyone will meet with their partners outside of school twice a week for extra study time to prepare for the AP exam, this exam is particularly tough and I want everyone to do their best,” She instructed in a brisk, no-room-for-complaints manner.

“Ryder Grim!” Mrs. Gold called. I attempted, very poorly, to hide my horror. This lady actually likes torturing people! Ryder abandoned his book work and walked in that brisk, graceful manner of his to join Mrs. Gold and me at the front of class.

“Mr. Grim, you and Mrs. Hart will meet twice a week outside of school to study Chemistry. You are my best student and highest grade, I trust you two will do excellently together,” Mrs. Gold declared, not bothering to get consent from either of us.

“But-” I finally managed to stutter. Ryder’s jaw tightened, I could almost hear the click of his teeth snapping sharply together, and his eyes held agitation. I was too busy processing my certain doom to appreciate the emotion actually showing on his face.

“Umm, we don’t get along very well,” Ryder said, finally managing a composed, calm voice.

“Right, we don’t get along,” I eagerly agreed, “Surely there’s someone else?” I groped desperately for a way out of this. Ryder nodded his head in support. Wow, what kind of parallel universe was I in where Ryder and I were actually on the same side?

“Work it out. Mr. Grim you will study with Mrs. Hart, both of your grades depend on it,” Mrs. Gold said sternly, staring us down with her dark, evil eyes. I imagined thunder and lightning crashing outside while scary music played. It seemed fitting for my own personal nightmare. Welcome to hell. That’s what I’d told James on his first day; Acting was nothing compared to this.

“You can’t do that!” I blurted, outraged, tossing my hands in the air.

“I believe I just did,” Mrs. Gold retorted with finality as the bell rang. Ryder spun quickly on his heel, collected his things, and stalked out the door. I stared after him, dazed. I walked robotically back to my desk, collected my books, and headed to Sinclair’s class, my mind spinning, searching for any way out of this predicament.

“Today, we start our class project for the beginning of the year,” Sinclair called, walking quickly into the classroom, before the bell rang for a change, and handing out papers with a list of objectives and requirements for the project. I greedily accepted the paper, excited for the interesting project Sinclair undoubtedly had planned. According to his handout, we would pair off, pick one of the subjects he provided, and create a poster board about our research on the subject. I was pondering what subject Natasha and I would choose when a cold hand tapped my shoulder. I jumped and spun around.

“May I speak with you for a second?” Ryder asked, dead faced and monotonous.

“Sure,” I said, confused, following him to the back of class, “What’s up?”

“What two days would you like to meet at the library?” Ryder asked.

“Why didn’t you ask me that at my desk?” I asked sort of dazed, staring at him directly was seriously distracting; maybe that’s why he didn’t look at people when they spoke to him. His angular jaw and pale face were utterly flawless, coupled with intense, bright green eyes and tousled black hair to complete the image. I found myself getting lost in studying him; the sharp angle of his nose, the way his nostrils flared slightly in annoyance, the broadness of his shoulders and the narrowness of his hips, the confusing way his simple blue jeans and dark grey shirt accented his form in all the right areas. A sharp impulse to reach out and spread my hands over the expanse of his chest crashed over me without warning.  It was like a strange spell always around him, making it impossible to think.

“I wasn’t sure if you would be embarrassed,” He replied smoothly with a shrug. I shook my head firmly to clear these troubling thoughts before my imagination had more time to run off.

“Oh,” I said, stunned that he was actually being considerate, and still slightly captivated by his strange aura, “uh, thanks. Tuesdays and Thursdays right after school work for me,” I answered, wondering how I was going to volunteer at the elementary school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday while being tutored Tuesdays and Thursdays and still have a life.

He gave a brisk nod and turned to leave but stopped short. “Do you have a ride?” He asked, turning back.

“I can probably catch a ride with Natasha or just walk,” I answered nonchalantly with a shrug. For the smallest second, I swore indecision flitted across his face, as he stood half ready to turn away, half facing me clearly wanting to say something. All at once, that carefully articulated blank mask slammed into place, as if Ryder suddenly became aware of the emotion leaking out of him. Suddenly, it was easier to think and look at him, I despised that expression, it was much easier not be captivated by him when filled with annoyance.

“Just when I thought you were finally playing nice the stone statue reappears,” I muttered my thoughts aloud, rolling my eyes.

“Stone statue?” Ryder asked, raising a brow.

“Never mind,” I waved him off.

“Oh, good, you guys have paired off, now everyone has a partner,” Sinclair said walking by; counting all the other students I now noticed had paired off. I hadn’t even heard the bell ring.

“What?!” Ryder and I exclaimed simultaneously, but Sinclair continued on, paying us no mind. We glared at each other before turning and stalking off to our desks. Worst. Day. Ever.

I rushed to the elementary campus after Sinclair’s class, eager to be rid of this cursed day, and knowing I had a regularly scheduled meeting on these Monday Wednesdays, and Fridays I volunteered. My feet carried me, as they often did, already knowing the way without any input from me. When I arrived to the classroom I frequented for my volunteer duties, I found my weekly appointment already waiting for me in our usual spot.

“And that’s how my day went,” I finished my tale, attempting to find a position where I remotely fit in this elementary size school desk. I was coloring and recanting my tales with my one of favorite little boys in the aftercare program, Robbie, in a desk two sizes too small, as we did every day I volunteered since I started this year.

“Sounds like a rough day,” Robbie commented, pushing his wavy, black hair out of his face before resuming coloring an elephant purple. Robbie was a sweet little boy, very mature for his age, every day I volunteered he’d ask me to sit with him and tell him about my day. Even though he was only in second grade, he understood almost everything I talked about.

“That’s an understatement,” I muttered. Robbie never talked too much about himself or his day, even though I asked often, I think something about just listening made him feel better. He always had this sad, lost look in his deep blue eyes, it threw off his childishness and innocence. I worried for him; he didn’t play as much with the other kids; he was too often by himself.

“Alright Robbie, your brother is here, time for you to go,” a teacher called through the doorway. Robbie was the last to leave today, his small footsteps echoed across the room as he walked to the door carrying a too-large yellow backpack.

“Come on, Robbie, I’ll walk you,” I said taking his hand and casting a warm smile down at him. He looked up and gave me one of his rare bright smiles. We didn’t talk; he just happily held my hand. I allowed myself a small, pleased smile, glad that I could make him happy in some little way. It had been too heartbreaking, watching his small form retreat, burdened by his large backpack, and, I had a feeling, other concerns that I could not see.

“Be careful getting home, Robbie,” I said, holding open the door to the parent pick up area open for him.

“Big brother!” Robbie shouted happily, running toward a tall, wiry guy standing in the main office. Robbie’s brother turned, scooped up Robbie, and spun him in the air with a musical laugh. He looked over to thank me and froze. I froze too. I stood, still holding open the door, staring into the bright green eyes of Ryder Grim. Who…laughed? Ryder actually just laughed and smiled and played with his brother. For a second, I thought I might be having a bizarre dream. Or my hallucinations were becoming grossly overactive again.

“This is Kristin, Ryder,” Robbie introduced in a bright voice, immune to the awkwardness of the moment, “She’s my favorite volunteer,” he beamed. My mind finally started working again

“Thank you, Robbie,” I smiled politely, “I actually know your brother, he’s the guy I’ve been telling you about,” I cast a teasing glance toward Ryder.

Robbie looked up at his brother, crossed his arms, and furrowed his brow, “Ryder! How come you’re being so mean to her?” he demanded in earnest anger. Ryder laughed and smiled warmly at him. The hard, stone statue Ryder was nothing compared to warm, fluid, easy-going Ryder. His pale skin glowed with happiness and his love for Robbie was evident in his liquid, bright, green eyes. His angular face and broadness seemed less intimidating now; more relaxed and friendly. If the girls in our class thought he was handsome before, they would faint seeing this sort of flawless.

“She’s much more difficult than she seems, don’t be fooled,” Ryder teased, easily hoisting Robbie on his back, before casting a warm smile my way. I looked away to hide my blush, bracing myself against the door as my knees suddenly turned to jelly. My heart started an erratic dance and I tried to ignore its sudden loudness.

“Thanks so much,” I rolled my eyes, unable to stop from grinning. I stepped aside so he could walk out the door I still held open. Ryder grinned, winked, and walked out the door. I heard it close with a click, but I couldn’t recall releasing it. I stood in the main office for a good five minutes dazed, pondering the events of today and the many faces of Ryder Grim.

[ehsan-nouri]

Simple Rules Rule: A Confession of Human-Made Misery

This is real. We are stuck in our homes and breathing through our narrow windows, worrying to go out, just in case that death might give us a random visit outdoors. Corona is real, physical and probably a touchable disease. A world-wide catastrophe is caused by this nasty creature, however, we wise human beings are aspiring to show our strength in the battle. But this has just popped into sight, while there were many other diseases out there, ones we were simply unable to see. Their symptoms have been long misunderstood and been referred to other causes. Their consequent effects have been so subtle to address and you may at the end of the next paragraphs, oppose me aggressively due to calling them a “disease”.

I haven’t been able to write and to live in the past few months, or even years. So, this is my most desperate effort to alleviate the pain of resting for more than a hundred days (How dare you want to have a life-time of rest and joy! That’s unbearable). But that’s not how it looks from inside. At least, I am not relieved of a long-time working agenda by this rest. On the other hand, a futile struggle of thoughts has been constantly happening in my mind, draining all the energy and leaveing no other option for better muscles to enjoy (every other part that can feel the real touch of joy, not this imaginary, perception-constrained and deluded machine we call “brain”).

I am asking you to dive with me, hand-in-hand in the endless ocean of thought. You already have done so, sorry not inform you early on. I do it alone everyday, but a companion will probably save me from draining, or maybe we will be swallowed by the monster, which is yet another great adventure. So here we are, watching the wild waves and deep dark blue eyes of our gorgeous friend who invites us to jump off the cliff and embrace her. The charm is irresistible.

Have you ever been re-engineering your self? Have you been successful in identifying your core drives? Sadly, we have a disadvantage of not having a tablet that shows what drives our emotions, in comparison to hosts in the Westworld TV series. Just the same drives that push you in the re-engineering room, prevent you from touching them. What a misery!

The sad ones among us, are consumed by the over-thinking virus. An incurable disease as old as the human consciousness and unfortunately the most ignored one! That’s even a larger misery that we, wise human beings, have stopped finding remedies for such a terrible illness. I guess it has always been the selfish healthy who ignored the danger carried by this virus, and since it was less contagious than the Corona one, they just let it out to infect the vulnerable and bring them slow decay. Who cares? Do you care for the drug addicted up until they cause you any harm or maybe infect you? No, you don’t. Take off your altruistic masks and let your inner monster be exposed.

Overthinking is paralyzing. It’s the lamp draining all the car battery and leaving you helpless in the middle of nowhere. It’s a process that consumes all the CPU and your systems becomes unable to handle simple tasks, like writing into Microsoft Word, as I’m doing now. Happily, my laptop is not traumatized that way and we can still put a few words together. But on certain days, we are both down. He is unable to play a single music track and I am as well unable to do anything other than watching him fail! As a former engineer, I some times make comparisons of the real world entities, with electronic parts, and only my fellow engineer friends get the point. On an expert level, one of my friends, with the same super-atheist level as me, usually quotes from important Muslim figures like Ali-ibn-Abi-Taleb to clarify his points. Can’t deny I love this offensive level of humor.

“We aren’t yet drown, there is hope.” That’s a lie! Let us go deeper to see how scientists and psychologists have failed us for centuries. This is a nasty monster who offers comfort getting away from him, while he’s still breathing out there. And the only remedy offered by our fancy science has been ignorance, let alone the chemical anti-depressants that treat us like the miserable pets we are. I’m in no position to criticize their efforts and not certainly ignore them. Ignorance is their game, not mine. They have been quite successful in curing the mentally paralyzed, but the case has not been fully resolved. The symptoms are vanished by force, but the inner cause lives. Usually these treatments take a long time and there’s still the possibility of a relapse, which puts the ill no other option than taking a life-time increasing dose of pills. Let’s hope they are not changing us in unforeseen ways. The vocabulary these fellow scientists and coaches use includes certain words like “Letting go”, “Vulnerability”, “Adaptation”, “Fate”, “Belief” and finally “Hope”. The most disgusting package of the human-made world of misery!

Indeed, it should be a simple issue. Since it’s rooted in a single monster, all explanations converge. Last year for example, I watched three movies from the amazing writer Charlie Kaufman, “Synecdoche New York”, “Adaptation” and “Anomalisa”. They were truly brilliant works of art that made me fall in love with Charlie’s works and for the first time I printed someone’s picture and sticked it onto the wall.

They were passionate moments. I tried to find every writing of him, watch all his speeches and movies. That’s how love works, and please spare me a lot of your time if you’d like to know more on how it works. You’ll love the love’s way and that puts you in an exponentially growing loop of feelings. But please don’t fall in love with your thoughts because you don’t want to occupy your brain with an exponentially growing demon. Do it with your heart, which as simply as possible “denies any thought!”

The secret behind my love story with Charlie was simple. He made confessions in an honest and vulnerable way. In his movies, you do really feel how characters fail in understanding the dynamics of their lives, despite their desperate efforts to understand. Caden Cotard in Synecdoche New York for example (named after the Cotard delusion, that one thinks he’s already dead), spends a life-time to build a massive theater representing routine human lives of every actor, letting them play their own story to show the secrets of real life. He wants to decipher them in a truthful way for his own comfort and in the eyes of the audience. But he fails, and Charlie portrays his failure with the ending of his life, having lost every endeavor, every precious meaning and finally “fading into oblivion”. Caden chose titles that could represent his huge theater over and over, but could never feel contempt with any. “Simulacrum”, “Flawed light of love and grief” and “The Obscure Moon Lighting an Obscure World” were among them. This challenge of understanding was likewise presented in his Adaptaion movie, written out of Susan Orlean’s “The Orchid Thief”. The name speaks itself.

When you adapt, you surrender. There’s no radical motive left. Nothing exceptional. You realize “That’s how it should work” when there’s no other option. Brené Brown introduces vulnerability as a symptom of courage. That is stepping into the unknown with all its uncertainties and possible failures, because there’s no other way. Our rational mind is unable to assess all uncertainties and alternatives. The more you push it towards a whole understanding, you find your self more troubled and helpless. But then we invent Courage, which says “If you can’t win with your mind, win with your heart”. If you knew there were strategies in a war that can put soldiers out of the field, you would definitely do, unless you are suffering from another disease called religion, which is irrelevant for now.

Let’s sort all other wise responses of our fellow intellectuals. Letting go of thought, as prescribed in many East Asian philosophies, stands as the most naïve one. Accepting the foolish concept of fate, as the banner of victimhood. Belief and faith as the food for fantasies. And finally, HOPE, the most deceptive force, has appeared in many literary works, paintings, songs and even social movements over time. Hope is like a temporary relief, a small bondage to stop bleeding while the wound is right there. I think we play with hope and protect ourselves when fears rush through the door. That’s a good game by the way. I have been dreaming for many months now, that I can bring this deceptive force back into myself and I’ve failed. After all, if the wound is meant to be there, why not using a bondage? Let’s decorate it with fancy colors, turn it into a piece of clothing and enjoy. The idea of decorating something immovable seems familiar, doesn’t? How many societies, books and doctrines have been built upon? But surely, we know that hope has the same rotten roots as courage. We project success in the future when we have no idea what is going to happen. Yet of course, why not?

The world grows unknown as you grow older. A world-wide false expression is that the elder, given their experience, understand the world better, while they only learn their limitations over time. That’s all. As kids, we falsely believe in our knowledge about the surrounding things and aging comes with the enlightenment of limitations. That’s why the elder hesitates in making decisions while the kid makes in an instant. I envy myself in five years ago, when I bravely made decisions and stood firm supporting them. That’s braveness my friend, however foolish it might seem.

Realm of creation is the realm of god. It’s stepping into the dark, courageously, anticipating various outcomes. That’s how Dr. Rollo May defines creation in his book “The courage to Create”. Once, in a long discussion with Mr. Zia, we both agreed in the comfort of accepting the melancholy caused by fears since it was god-like to be brave. And that’s true, we all like to be gods - The omniscient and powerful creature we invented in our most profound fictions. In him, the humankind has invested his most wild and selfish dreams. But it seems that Dr. May forgot the fact that gods are supposed to be free from constraints like time and limitations of knowledge. Fear of failure and unknown does not apply to those who know the consequences of every act, and believe me, that’s super boring!

We enjoy far more than gods do. The concept of courage is coupled with the concept of unknown. There is no courageous being who knows everything. Besides, when there’s unlimited time and resources available, no penalty for failure and no vision for success, you won’t feel anxious because you can always test other alternatives in your infinite life. How many times have you used cheat codes in a game and later felt regret because infinite cash destroyed the joy of earning it? Silly gods work with cheat codes.

We want wise men who can tell us the best scenarios in our daily decision making. They should be free from feelings and emotional attachments but decide best under time constraints- Time breeds anxiety when the process of reaching a conclusion takes long, and anxiety is a weakening force, if not a stopping one. But that will neither be humane nor god anymore. We have created another fiction, a constrained super-hero. It does not exist.

Let’s finish our miserable search for role-models and take a look at our real surroundings. All we own, is a bounded rationality limited by many elements. The world is complex. Events are the same and so does the relationship between things. Yet, simple rules rule. We know joy is out there and so is sadness. We will someday experience success and fail the other day. But is it a mess? Some of the successful among us may believe so. I guess because they are a mess themselves and have won by chance. Remember, sad losers who lost by chance, never express themselves. Contents published out there are mostly coming from fool naïve successful folks, who in their own terms were gifted with intelligence and wise decisions. Only a true loser can defeat them if he gets a say out there. Otherwise winning by chance turns into a culture and idiots will be ruling us. Oh, am I a bit late to say so?

There’s much left to say but I’m tired of writing. It’s 9PM already in Tehran and we’re in lockdown. Such a terrible complicated time to write about these simple rules. I study economic complexity in my thesis, and everyone should know that most complex behaviors arise from simple rules. Bounded rationality is too one of the core concepts. Actors in a complex system are not gods, but they can feel contempt with their limited decisions. The simple rule is that as humans, we can be contempt. We can accept our boundaries and learn few universal rules about love, expectations, happiness and staying sharp. The more we try extending our decision-making logic, the more we will grow weary of time and greedy of the results. So, am I letting go of all the heavy thought process I’ve defended up to now? No. That’s a gift. A wise man’s approach that should be treated with honor and be understood, while he learns and accepts his limitations. I am reading a book called “Simple Heuristics that Makes us Smart” with a group of friends and most of these notes were inspired by that. Hopefully, I can share a lot more about how these techniques could alleviate the pain of understanding while giving us good reasons to stop endless venturing in the unknown like gods! I wish to be contempt being a human.

[tainted-musix]

Why Romance Is Flopping.

I’m cutting the bullshit in this post, because people need a wake up call. But before I possibly get dragged I just want to state that I love Camila’s music (I believe that OMG deserved better, but that’s neither here nor there). In this analytic post, I am cutting out the relationship talk except for in one point I have to make. I am writing this as if I am not a big fan. I will show some grace but not much. With that being said lets begin:

“I think this particular moment after such a successful first album, it’s literally a make or break situation. Everyone’s watching this time, whereas the first time I could make a lot of mistakes and it didn’t matter too much because I was learning. This time around there’s a lot more stressful experience. It’s whether I can be a career artist fro the rest of my life or I had a very big album in 2011. That’s the difference, it’s a artists of the times or a career” - Ed Sheeran (nine days and nights 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKRzg6UfVZM

If you watch the video at 2:10 - 2:50 Ed Sheeran discusses the importance of an artists second album. It’s make or break, in a sense. I heard these words around 3 months ago and ever since the Romance release date it’s been rattling in my head. Naturally, I tried to push it off. I was like there’s no need to worry Camila is a talented artist with loyal fans there’s nothing to worry about...... WRONG! 

I’m going to list the 2 MAJOR problems and then the rest of them in a second, but let me paint you a picture. Señorita has dropped. Every time I get on google there's a new card speculating Camila and Shawn are dating. A week or two goes by they are dating, blah blah. Fast forward to early last week I get a google card that reads, “Why Camila Cabello’s album is flopping”. I was like no, not possible. A few days day before Billboard releases the album ranks I read the article. It basically says the numbers aren’t looking that great like the first album. So I’m like no there’s still time. A few days later Billboard says Romance is #3.

So what went wrong? I’ll tell you.

The 2 biggest problems:

1.The comparison between Romance and Camila 

2. Too many singles 

BUT before I talk about those we need to talk about the other BIG problem. Problems started WELL before the album release date and tour was announced. 

Albums are already hard to create to begin with, concept albums are even trickier. A concept albums purpose is to tell a story or show a theme through lyrics. Camila chose Romance. Concept albums are tricky because they risk being repetitive and depending on the topic unrealistic. This album struggles with this. An article from Vulture says this and compares Camila to Romance. The main point of the article is basically saying Romance doesn’t do in 47 minutes, what Camila in 37. They make the claim that Camila was clear and direct and the only songs that really do that in Romance are First Man, Cry for Me, and Shameless (basically). They also go on to talk about the deep cuts of Camila, “Consequences” and “Real Friends”, and how Romance lacks that emotion besides the maybe 5 songs. And I would be lying if I said some of the things said there aren’t true. 

The next problem toes the line of the comparison problem. Shameless and Liar simply should not have put out at the same time. I understand completely why it was done. She talked about it with Zach Sang. 

https://youtu.be/JCh2rBNZNNE

In this video she talks about how she likes putting out two singles. And that’s perfectly fine. She doesn’t have to follow the “written” rules of pop. Again I understand why this was done because Havana and OMG happened just like this, but the issue is that sometimes that kind of roll out only works once. And in this case that’s true. And the different is the song that wasn’t intercepted well didn't make the album. In this case both songs did. Those songs also had rappers on them and that’s just a formula that works. 

And on a smaller scale Liar gives a “Havana” remake vibe and it just doesn’t work and was my least favorite of the two personally. In her defense though I don't think it’s fair to ask artists to constantly invent something that's never been done before. However, in this industry growth and change are the thing that separate the career artist from an artist of the times. 

The third issue is South of the Border and Señorita. This is the beginning of the second BIG problem, too much music. 

I didn’t see this as a problem until I read the Forbes article on it. And I can understand the issue. Camila spent a decent amount of time away from the public eye. She is not an artist that is always releasing music like rappers or some r&b artists. So over saturation can/is a major problem. 

So Mi Persona Favorita comes out. It's a feel good song that got her a Grammy, tugs on the heart strings. Then Find U Again comes out. I’m like ok this is a nice little situation. It’s summer, I’m like ok album will come out 2020, she’s easing us into it (I’m into it, whatever trouble that you're thinking I could get into it). AND BOY DID SHE GET INTO SOME TROUBLE with the next release, Señorita. And right here is where you STOP! The marketing department really fucked this one up. If you know somethings going to be hot before it’s released and you know you’re going to milk a relationship and you are going to put your focus on that DON’T RELEASE ANYMORE MUSIC! But apparently, as must of us already discovered, Epic only hires buffoons. South of the Border drops and I love it. Gives the latin vibes everybody wants at the end of summer. We are having a great time then Liar and Shameless. Then the videos, the relationship, The VMAs. The announcement of an album all while beginning to get hated on for a relationship that didn’t need to be created. 

While people are calling bullshit on the relationship. Cry for Me is released. At this point, I’m confused. Like are we putting out the whole album now. Then we have the making out in the street and release of Easy and then SNL. And more relationship and release of Living Proof and AMAs performances (seriously she performed 3 times that night) and the announcement that the Romance tour tickets are going on sale soon and the album will be out December 6................................................................

I just want to know what the thought process was. THAT is WAY TOO MUCH CAMILA and the album isn’t even out yet. 

And on top of that, album hasn’t even dropped yet and Presale tickets are on sale and a few days from then regular sale. So HOW EXACTLY? I just want to know who was in charge of the numbers. Because anybody with half a brain can CLEARLY see that some of these songs weren’t charting well or staying on the charts for that matter. So who gave the green light to be like ok, release the album. This is the worst roll out for an album, thank you, next right after Sweetener was WAY better than this. 

WHO SCHEDULES AN ARENA TOUR BEFORE ALBUM SALES EVEN COME OUT! Realistically she wasn’t selling out every single show last tour, but all of a sudden we are doing arenas. Camila has fans I’m not saying she doesn’t but there are a lot of unsold tickets and things aren’t looking good right now. They oversaturated the market and now they are scrambling to put the pieces together. AND LETS NOT FORGET the album was leaked 2 weeks before the release. 

AND another big problem with all these singles is that the other songs left that people hadn’t heard weren’t strong enough to carry the weight of the leak and the songs that weren’t heard besides maybe 2 were repetitive. Half the album was already out and one of the songs was leaked a year ago. The other one was already come and gone from #1. The album release should've either been pushed back or all those singles shouldn’t have been released. 

The label needs to stop with the lying and trying to save face because they fucked up. This relationship has caused some fans to leave, people don't want listen to the album because it's repetitive, she's getting slut shamed on social media and she's supposed to do Cinderella soundtrack. 

And the is a problem on it's own and is my biggest worry because that soundtrack could turn into Camila’s version of Ariana’s Charlie’s Angels Soundtrack really quick and that went TERRIBLY. And for her sake if it goes poorly I don't want that project. It's too much Camila at once. There was no pacing and that is the problem with this album. She was gone for months and when she comes back it’s her team trying to put her in the headline EVERYDAY. We get it you’re spending New Year’s with Shawn.

This era is just repetitive and predictable. Talent and songwriting are not going to be the downfalls of her career. It's going to be the lies she’s forced to tell, the secrets she’s supposed to keep, and her likablitly going down the drain.

Links to articles:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2019/10/09/is-camila-cabello-promoting-too-much-music-right-now/#d225cef37d5f

https://www.vulture.com/2019/12/camila-cabello-romance-album-review.html#comments

https://www.latinpost.com/articles/142968/20191215/camila-cabellos-album-and-tour-unsuccessful-critics-claim.htm

[turtlestanfirst]

alright my dear little munchkins the mane has been tamed and the whole tray of brownies have been Eaten i have no regrets and it is now time for

The Shards of Stained Glass AU (AKA evil!donnie is the best way to get to good!draxum tbh)

once upon a time my ex was having a rough night and worried about whether or not he was a danger to me in any way. i told him that he's got his sharp edges but we all do because every single person is like a broken shard of glass and to love is to find the people who's jagged edges fit against our own best and i've always kept that in a romantic sense but i've decided to use that as a base theory for this au s o-

BEFORE IT ALL:

Once upon a time Draxum and Lou were together. They loved each other despite everything going against them. It was genuine and stronger than any issue- so they had believed. when Lou left, Draxum was left a man without love, a father without his children. He was hurt, and his hatred for humans grew stronger than before. He tested mutagen variants for years, carefully picking test subjects every month or so to prepare for the day he eradicated them all. It's on one of these outings he finds the horrid father and his blind malnourished daughter. Draxum calls her Artemis and she's never mistreated again.

Lou isn't Lou anymore. Splinter wasn't prepared for fatherhood but these four are tiny and look to him for protection. Mistakes are bound to be made but he does his best. Keeping the four safe is hard- especially when one son needs to be protected more than the others. He can't stand singling Donatello out, but what choice does he have?

Donatello was always different. And he hated it from the start. He wanted to play rough and go rummaging around the abandoned subway system and train with the same voracity his brothers were allowed to. He can handle it, he knows he can. But everyone else doubts it so strongly that Donnie is forced to wonder if he's overestimating himself. They baby him and protect him and he should be grateful because he needs it but he only feels resentment. He's the second oldest. It should be the other way around, this isn't fair.

The battle shell is the first step towards independence. He protects himself so that they don't have to. They do anyway and as he grows older he hates it more and more. At some point he becomes hesitant to play with them anymore because he knows what they'll say. He doesn't mean to resent his family, just the actions they take against him. But resentment has a funny way of taking over more than it needs to and leaving you with a guilty knit in your stomach.

When they become ninjas Donnie immediately knows he's the weak link. The soft shell is a liability to him, and he can't forget that because he's never been allowed to and it affects his fighting. As a physical member of the team he holds little value. But if he can build an extra shell he can build anything. And what he lacks in fighting value he makes up for with inventions to make everything easier. He's the brains, and he hopes it's enough.

Or, wonders really. Because his family doesn't really let him know if it is. And maybe he should have just asked at some point but the teasing and the complaints and the brushing off of his creations seem like answer enough. He stops feeling bad about the resentment at some point.

Leon never means to hurt other's feelings when praising himself. The cockiness is a side effect of a low self-esteem. A defense mechanism against the truth he feels so deeply in his bones it makes him shake on his own feet. When he's validated he can't help but make a big deal about it. So when he and raph talk about leading as a pair, of course it gets to his head.

And maybe Donnie resents that because it's not fair that Leon can get validated and he can't. So the attitude creeps in and without meaning to he corners Leon with the worries that never do leave him alone, despite his new place in the team.

And Donnie might be the one with fangs but Leon is far more dangerous when backed into a corner, physical or mental. He lashes out, and the cracks seem to grow more and more with each passing argument.

Nobody remembers why this fight got so bad. But everyone said things they shouldn't have and the cracks become a rift, a full-on chasm and Donnie is stranded alone on the other side. He says he needs to breathe and doesn't come back that night. Or the next night, or the night after that.

Draxum meant to lure the lone turtle as an ally only. Wishing for his children back was dangerous business. But Donnie was vulnerable and a father's heart feels for his child. He's determined to do his best from now on for the boy too.

THE HERE AND NOW:

It's weird. Losing a brother is weird.

Leon blames himself because it was their argument that brought this on. Because he'd missed something along the way and failed his older brother. He misses his twin and doesn't handle the raging emotions well. Some leader, some champion tearing his own family apart. The guilt and the shame are wrapped just too tight around his throat all the time now.

Raph was his one older brother, his first protector. Raph saw this as a sign, proof that he was a terrible older brother. It makes him all the more protective of the two siblings he's got left. He can't fail again, he couldn't handle that. They deserve better than him but he's what they've got and damnit he's going to try his best in spite of everything.

It confuses Mikey. He'd never thought dontnie disliked being their brother or living with them. Betrayal stings, and mikey has never felt anything like it. He can't process it in the way he should.

Donnie is happy. or, he tries to be anyway. His little sister calls herself the bigger sibling and never holds back on account of his shell. Draxum praises his every creation and the giddiness in his stomach is welcomed and cherished. But his heart aches in a peculiar way when he hears a bad pun or sees a wall covered in graffiti. He misses them.

Splinter misses him. He'd known there was bound to be mistakes on the man's part, instances where his choices as a father would be wrong. But he had been blind. He'd given his sons everything except for what they might have needed most. He hovers near the other three more than usual. His heart burns with loss and more anger towards the yokai he'd loved so fiercely once.

They're April's family too and she tries to be there as much as she can but college is a bitch worse than high school sometimes. It's not so bad though. Her roommate is a witch with secrets all their own and that chick Casey is always fun to hang around. Casey and Talise fit right in with the turtles too, they're a growing family. But April feels the hollow spot left by her once brother and she is mad about it. Damn near resentful.

Draxum wants what's best for yokai. That's all. His son makes him think about how he's trying to reach that goal. Maybe he needs to rethink his strategy. But the hurt felt at the hands of a human haunts him. Then again, maybe he needs to rethink his feelings about everything that went down before it came to this.

Because everyone hurts someone. Every hero is another man's villain. A beautiful church window is little more than shards of broken glass made into something more. And perhaps this shattered group can fashion themselves into the most beautiful window of all.

[tiny-trex5]

Ah 1987...what a year

The Reagan administration coined the phrase ”this is your brain on drugs”

Gorbachev ”tore down the wall”

Water beds made up 22 percent of all mattress sales

The competitive world of party games changed with the invention of Jenga

Prozac hit pharmacies everywhere

Bill Cosby had a flawless reputation and the number one show

Cocaine was cool

But maybe the best thing to come out of 1987 was me. On a rainy Wednesday in early November I made my debut appearance into this world. According to my mom, I came in a bit hastily. Quickly, aggressively and without warning. This was definitely foreshadowing for the rest of my life.

As I sit here seven days out from my 32nd year, Running through my life memories, lessons, hardships and accomplishments I can't help but feel contemplative.

So naturally, like any elder millennial I turned to my trusty old friend the Internet for answers about life. After an exhaustive google search about what happens when you turn 32, I came up with nothing but comprehensive lists about 32 things to do before 32. Cute lists, thorough lists, lists that would make Oprah Whinfrey feel inadequate. Being comparative by nature I began measuring my own life achievements to those of these random internet drones.

I immediately felt contrition about how I have lived my life. How come I haven't traveled the globe or began training to climb Mount Everest? Why am I not married to my adorably ironic soulmate? I don't even eat a cruelty free vegan diet! The anxiety started to set in. Am I inferior because I don't have a college degree on my wall?

Luckily for me, I'm not one to wallow in my own self-loathing. For whatever reason I'm pretty self assured and I know who I am. I don't want to climb Mount Everest. That sounds awful. I would prefer to keep my fingers over losing them to frost bite.

. I've lived a messy life, I fall on my face a lot. I don't have a lot of tangible accomplishments. What I do have is a compassionate, humble, realistic, sometimes irreverent view of the world around me. So, instead of dwelling on what I haven't done I decided to make my own ”32” themed list.

32 years worth of random thoughts, musings and advice that has stuck in my head

32.) Empathy and sympathy are often confused but they are two very different things.

When someone is sympathetic to something it means they share the same feelings or have gone through the same thing. Sympathy can often be off-putting to the person on the receiving end. It can show up as ”one-upping” or trying to diminish someone's emotions about a certain situation. Empathy is when a person understands someone's emotions but doesn't necessarily share them. Empathy is a skill that needs to be practiced. It doesn't always come naturally to humans. It requires us to step outside of our own heads, ideas and opinions and really sit with someone in their pain. To truly be empathetic is a treasure and it will change the way you see the world.

31.) Human beings are resilient if they chose to be.

Humans are powerful. There is nothing in the world more motivating than watching another person come back from the bottom. I mean, did anyone else shed a tear when Tiger won the Masters?

30.) We are responsible for our reaction to life.

Bad things happen to good people. We are not responsible for (some) of the things that happen to us but we are responsible for our reaction to them.

29.) We create our experience.

If someone walks into work everyday and says to themselves it's going to be a miserable day...chances are it's going to be a miserable day.

28.) When something about another person really bothers us, most likely it's because we do the same thing.

Some shit is just annoying. Loud chewing, people who wear sunglasses inside etc...i'm not talking about that. I mean when someone has a behavior or character trait we can't stand it's because they are holding a symbolic mirror to us and something we don't like about ourselves. The first time I heard this I rolled my eyes. But then, I started to pay attention to when someone really got under my skin and low and behold this annoying piece of advice is true.

27.) Diet Coke is terrible for you and every time you drink one someone will let you know you're going to get cancer.

I drink a lot of diet coke. You know what else is terrible for you? Being judgemental.Leave me alone and drink your water.

26.) ”Regardless of the circumstances, You are completely capable of creating the life you want, so keep your head down and make your next move”-MHB

My dad told me that after I was fired from a career job. I will never, ever forget those words.

25.)A dysfunctional family is not a life sentence. Break your own cycle.

No one is perfect. You do better when you know better. A bad childhood can certainly affect our lives. Do whatever you need to do to heal from it, forgive the people involved and build a better life so history doesn't repeat itself.

24.) Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be.

Take time to reflect on your journey and how you got to whatever point you may be at. Learn from it, sit in it and appreciate how far you have come.

23.) Perfection is unattainable.

So stop striving for it. Strive to be healthy, strive to be comfortable in your own skin. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. find peace with who you already are and then make goals.

22.) it's okay to like things about yourself.

Women especially are terrible at accepting compliments. We tend to downplay them. It doesn't make you stuck up to enjoy parts of yourself.

21.) ”Always protect the friendship”-MHB

This is another gem from my dad. In a romantic relationship always, always protect the friendship you have with your partner. That is what will carry you through the bad times. Even if it doesn't work out.

20.) The best cat to own is one that doesn't use a litter box

Albert, you're the real MVP. Miss you.

19.) Time is a master healer.

Sometimes the only answer to great pain is time. Time softens the blow and cools the burn that grief brings to our lives. It has a magical way of erasing bad memories and replacing them with fondness.

18.) Love hard.

Tell people how you truly feel about them. Even if it leads to rejection. Don't punish new relationships because of things someone in your past did.

17.) Love and Attachment are two very different things.

Read that again. Attachment is unhealthy. It's an enmeshed relationship that will never meet your emotional needs and it ends in resentment.

16.) We are all born inherently good

The issue is that we were given free will. Use it wisely.

15.) Invest in a pair of black boots and a long cardigan

They look good with every thing

14.) Everyone owns a coordinating sweat suit

For the love of God do not wear it to the airport.

13.) No human can love you enough if you don't love yourself

You cannot expect someone to save you. It's not fair. If you don't love yourself there isn't enough human power on earth that will fill that void. Not a partner, not a child, not a parent. Trust me, I've tried.If you hate yourself deep down you don't believe that another human can love you. It leaves you wanting constant reassurance which is exhausting for the other person. Self-loathing cannot be fixed by external validation.

12.) Nobody ever wakes up after a night of staying sober wishing they would have had a drink.

Facts.

11.) Your job title is not your identity.

It's amazing to have a career that you are passionate about. Build a full life, so that if God forbid that job goes away you still know who you are.

10.) Be comfortable going to a restaurant to eat alone

It's always awkward the first-time. It is a huge self esteem boost to feel comfortable being with yourself.

9.) Take a lot of pictures.

Not selfies (those are great too). Take candid pictures. It gives you physical evidence of times in your life.

8.) Find a perfume and stick with it.

Human Beings will always remember how you smell. Make it a good one.

7.) Give genuine compliments.

Genuine is the key word here. If someone looks especially radiant, or has on a great outfit, tell them. You never know who needs to hear something

6.) Experiment with your look until you find your signature style.

Dress in a way that makes you feel good. It helps you carry yourself with confidence. I love clothes, they are my passion. I love when women find their own style and embrace it. Trends are great, but you don't have to follow them to a t. Unless that's your thing. Play with your clothes, it's fun.

5.) Write handwritten notes.

I love to write so this is important to me. It's always so meaningful to receive something handwritten.

4.) Be assertive, not aggressive.

Advocate for yourself and hold your ground, don't bully or instill fear in others to get your point across. No one will ever take you seriously if you just get angry and explode.

3.) Real growth starts when you get tired of your own shit.

I can personally attest to this. Nothing and I mean nothing motivates change like really stepping back and realizing your behavior is why and how you've gotten to the point in your life that you are at. Realizing that the same shitty coping mechanisms you have used your whole life may not be serving you anymore. My mom once said to me ”you complain that all these bad things keep happening to you, but what is the common denominator?” Me. I am the common denominator.

2.) It's okay to need help.

We can't always fix everything ourselves. The reason therapeutic environments exist is because there is a need. Whatever help may look like for you, it's okay to reach out and take it. For me, it came in the form of rehab. Not once, but a few times. I have a drinking problem and an eating disorder that I can't just will myself through. I need help. And that's okay. By taking help and services I found a community of people that are just like me. I found a place I belong and a safe area to walk through my issues. I have support and a network that pulls me through my darkest days.

Regret and shame will keep you sick.

This is a very emotional one for me. I have a crushing amount of regret about how I have shown up as a mother. It haunts me every moment of everyday. I have made a lot of mistakes. Living in shame has kept me in pain. It has kept me distant and in hiding. Regret has told me ”your daughter is better off without you”. And I listened. I built an emotional wall so high that now I don't know how to tear it down. Hiding in my shame has created mountains of problems that wouldn't be problems if I just would have faced my own situation. I don't know how to overcome these obstacles. I do know I love my child with every ounce of my soul. My fear is that she doesn't know that. So it's time to do things differently. To step into the light and heal not hide from choices I've made.

As I approach this new year of my life I won't feel bad for myself. No, I'm not where I thought I would be at 32 but I'm right where I need to be. And maybe that's the best place for me.

[emmafenton]

Writing Tip #2: Writer’s Block

One second, you’re plowing through your manuscript, thoroughly convinced you’ve got the next bestseller on your hands, and the next moment, you’re staring at the blinking cursor on your page, and the next line--the next word, even--won’t come. Or worse yet, you’ve just sat down to write, you’re staring at a blank page, and it just...stays blank. For hours. Days. 

Writers have been dealing with this since words were invented, and you know what, probably longer. I probably won’t be able to tell you any neat tips/tricks you don’t already know, but this post is more about matching writer’s block “treatment” to the root problem. Because if your problem is that you just can’t seem to get started, taking a break isn’t the best idea. Or if you’re stuck mid-story, free-writing a stream-of-consciousness list might only throw you off more.

So without further ado:

General Advice that is Good for Everyone

I once had a professor tell me, “You can wait for your muse to come to you, but they have to know where and when to find you.” Meaning: set writing hours and keep to them. Not everyone can write every day, and that’s totally fine. But look at your weekly schedule and find an hour (or more, if you can) that you can set aside as writing time. Nothing--nothing--will get you out of a writing funk if you’re not setting aside time to write. Especially when you don’t feel like it. 

Now onto the good stuff.

For When You’re Just Getting Started

You’re the blank page person. Start by asking yourself these questions:

Do I know the plot of my story? 

Do I know my main character? Do I know how I want them to change over the course of the story?

You don’t have to know how the story ends, and you don’t have to know every single detail of the plot either, but in longer fiction, think of your character like an HGTV home renovation: before and after. You are at the “before” moment, and if you don’t know how your character is going to grow over the course of the story, then it will be unbelievably difficult to write them in their pre-emotional-growth phase.

So if you answered “no” to the above questions, take some time to fill out a character questionnaire or development sheet. Take some time to jot down your biggest plot points. If you are not an outlining type of person, that’s fine, but even people who write by the seat of their pants have a general idea of what is going to happen to their character to make them change. 

If you answered “yes” to the above questions, good for you! That’ts one less roadblock. Now try a little soul searching and ask yourself:

Have I built the story up so much in my head that I’m worried what comes out won’t be as good?

Am I comparing my story ideas to other successful books in my genre?

Have I read too many writing tips lately and feel overwhelmed?

Am I being overly critical of my writing style?

Am I trying too hard to make the first line perfect?

These are just a few of the potential problems that come up pretty often for me, though there are certainly others, and I heartily encourage everyone to make a list of the roadblocks that stop you most often. 

I’ve Built Up My Story in My Head and It’s Not Coming Out Right on the Page

Oh boy. Let me tell you, this one is personal for me. My most recent manuscript, Throne of Shadows, was originally told as a bedtime story to my college roommate, and originally it was a dark, but funny tale. On paper, it was just dark. I struggled for months with feeling like the story was off because the tone was different. 

Here’s the truth: it will always come out on paper differently than it was in your head. I could tell you to just dump your first draft out there because it doesn’t matter much and that revisions exist for a reason, but I’ve always found that to be kind of useless advice. 

Instead, let me say that your story is going to come out the way it wants to, not the way you want it to, and forcing it to bend to your will is what’s blocking you. Trust your writing. Trust that it knows what it’s doing, and that it sees the big picture before you do. Throne of Shadows came out just fine as a dark story, and the comedy showed up later on anyway. 

I’m Comparing My Story to Other Successful Books in My Genre

Don’t do this. You know you shouldn’t be doing this, and you’re doing it anyway. There’s really nothing for it other than tricking your brain out of this kind of funk. Pick 5-6 books by different authors in your genre that you like/are successful. Look at the plots: they’re not the same. Look at the characters: they’re not the same. Look at the writing styles: they’re not the same. And if they are the same, and yours is still different, that is a Good Thing. Originality is beautiful, and readers crave plots and characters and styles that they’ve never seen before. 

I’ve Read Too Many Writing Tips and Now I Don’t Know How to Incorporate All that Good Advice Into My Writing

Don’t. Go read this post if you want someone’s permission to throw all that writing advice out the window so you can actually write what you want.

I’m Being Overly Critical of My Writing

Aren’t we all? But seriously, there are two really fun, really reassuring ways to get over this one. 

Find your favorite books--books that you think are so mind-blowingly good that you just wish you could write like that--and go read their lowest, one-star reviews online. Remind yourself that even beautifully written books will never please everyone. Remind yourself that it doesn’t matter, because there will always be people like you who adore those books anyway.

Find the absolute worst writing you can. I suggest searching through the dregs of early-2000s fanfiction for some truly harrowing stuff, but there’s plenty of published “literature” that’s just as terrible. Nothing boosts confidence like reading the really, really bad stuff, and realizing that what you’ve written is already leagues above that. Here is a list of bad opening lines. And HERE is the 2018 Bad Sex Award for terrible lines from erotica. Just to get you started.

I’m Trying too Hard to Make the First Line Perfect

First, go back up to the list of bad opening lines and read those. You can do no worse, okay? Now, unless you’ve got something, really, really good, you will change the first line 4-5 times anyway. It doesn’t matter. It literally does not matter. Give yourself permission for the first line to be one of the worst lines in your entire book, and then go back and fix it later.

And if you’re really stuck on this, don’t start with the first scene. Start with the part of the story that inspires you the most. I personally love writing things in chronological order, but sometimes that just isn’t going to happen.

If You’re Mid-Project When the Writer’s Block Hits

It may be time for a break, especially if you’ve been at it for a while. But if you’ve already set your project aside for a few days and it still hasn’t helped, it’s time to admit that you’ve probably got a bigger issue than burn-out. Ask yourself:

Am I self-sabotaging because I’m scared of failure/success?

Am I having difficulty because I’m fighting the natural progression of my story?

Am I having difficulty because I’m trying to write what I think people want to read instead of writing the story I want to tell?

Am I having difficulty because I’m bored with my story/characters/plot/etc.?

I’m Self-Sabotaging Because I’m Scared of Failure/Success

This is a big one for me, and I think a lot of people struggle with this. For me, a lot of my fear is centered around the idea that the only thing I really can see myself doing for the rest of my life is writing, and if it turns out I’m no good at that, then I don’t know what to do. Fear of success can work the same way, especially because success means change, and expectations, and new challenges. 

You can, again, read the lowest reviews on your favorite books because seeing that you can still be successful even if a few people don’t like your work is empowering. But this is really the time to remember why you started writing in the first place. Make a list of all the things you love about it. Remind yourself that you’re writing primarily for yourself. Remind yourself that there is only one person who has to love what you write: you. And try to figure out if your fear of failure/success goes beyond writing; if you can figure out where the fear comes from, it’s easier to fight it.

I’m Fighting the Natural Progression of My Story

You’ve gotten to the point where you can’t move forward because something is just wrong. Re-read what you’ve written so far--the whole thing, not just what you’ve written recently. Note where the writing starts to feel more stilted, where you start rushing through scenes, where you find yourself losing interest. This is usually (but not always) a sign that you’ve taken your story in a direction that isn’t working, and even your subconscious knows it. You can try to push through it, and that might yield something interesting, but if you’re truly stuck, the best thing you can do is go back to the moment the writing starts to suffer a bit, and start over from that point. (Don’t forget to take what you’ve already written and save it in another document just in case you can salvage something).

I’m Writing what I Think People Want to Read Instead of Writing the Story I Want to Tell

If you find that you’re trying to force a character to avoid all of their problematic traits, or if you’re worried about how your characters’ relationships will be perceived, or if you desperately try to avoid cliches because you’ve been told readers hate cliches, you’re eventually going to run into the problem where your story begins to feel like a shallow reflection of what you wanted it to be. 

Get a journal and keep it private. Get in the habit of writing something that you know no one else will ever read. Get in the habit of writing freely and without fear of judgement. It will bleed into your other writing before you know it, and your work will be better for it. 

I’m Bored with my Story/Characters/Etc.

Are you bored because you’ve convinced yourself it isn’t good or worth reading? Are you bored because you think it doesn’t measure up to other published works? Are you bored because you’re self-sabotaging? Are you bored because you’ve been working on the story a long time and you know it so well that nothing about it surprises you anymore? A lot of times, boredom is a symptom of a deeper problem, and if you can identify what that problem is, you can save yourself a lot of work.

But if you can pinpoint what it is about your story that doesn’t feel fresh, and if you can provide examples to justify it, it may be time to do some heavy adjustments. This is a last resort kind of deal. No one wants to scrap their characters or their plot. No one wants to start fresh. But if you’ve tried everything else and you’re still unable to move forward, give yourself permission to begin again. If your main character is a two-dimensional blob of nothing, or if your plot is going nowhere, get rid of them. You are not obligated to crash and burn with a failing idea. 

[jbuffyangel]

Bored Now: Arrow 6x19 Review (The Dragon)

What in the ever-loving hill tops of Olympus was THAT?

I was exhausted Thursday, so I missed the episode. However, I waited until Sunday because I wasn’t motivated to watch given the fan reaction. But I figured it couldn’t be that bad right?

Yes. Yes it can.

I would rather watch Oliver pontificate about his super-secret plan to stop gun violence (without revealing his super-secret plan to stop gun violence) than “The Dr*gon.” I would rather watch L*urel earn her BC suit (without really earning it) by hallucinating her dead sister. I could watch Oliver and Sara bang fifty times over. Yes, I know what I am saying. 6x19 is worse than all the terrible 13th episodes combined! After six years and 134 episodes I am bestowing “The Dr*gon” with the title of WORST EPISODE EVER.  Congratulations. We have a new low.

I flitted between enraged and bored watching “The Dr*gon”, so I feel Evil Willow’s iconic expression conveys my emotions nicely.

Let’s dig in… it won’t take long. I promise an excess of snarky gifs.

Felicity Smoak and Curtis Holt

This is the first week post Oliver firing Felicity. Yes, he can dress it up any way he likes, but that’s exactly what he did. Felicity chooses to devote her extra free time to her company and reaches out to Curtis for a truce. A truce in these writers’ minds means FELICITY APOLOGIZES TO CURTIS. 

Liz Kim, who co wrote the episode, explained:

Let’s pretend we live in a world of rainbows and unicorns where the main governing body is the Girl Scouts and instead of paying taxes we get free cookies. 

We must live in this kind of world to understand what Liz Kim is pushing. Fine. Felicity isn’t holding a grudge. She’s being the bigger person and is sorry for her role in the fight. If we look objectively at all six characters Felicity has the least to apologize for, but that’s just details. 

What infuriates me is Curtis just stands there and glowers at her. He oozes moral superiority, contempt and arrogance. 

Why, dear writer, didn’t Curtis then apologize to Felicity? If this is all about being the bigger person and not holding a grudge, why didn’t Curtis step up to the plate next? Last time I checked, Curtis has as much to apologize for if not more than Felicity. Instead, we get Felicity apologizing to yet another man on this show and Curtis just stands there like a condescending lump. 

UNACCEPTABLE.

Then Curtis cannot hide his glee over Diggle quitting the team. He wants to skip around the room and sing, “Nananana boo boo” while Felicity is distraught about her husband being alone in the field. CURTIS HAS THE NERVE TO TELL FELICITY HE MUST FIGHT THE DESIRE TO GLOAT. But sure, what an amazing friend. 

Listen asshat, if you tell someone you are trying not to gloat that’s the same as gloating.

Why is Curtis the only “friend” Felicity is ever allowed to speak to? Why couldn’t she have gone to Lance or even Diggle. Diggle has a beef with Oliver, not Felicity. I don’t see how going to Curtis is any better than going to John in Oliver’s eyes. Hell, I’d take a phone call Thea over this. I don’t need to hear her side of the conversation.

How does anything Curtis says correlate to real friendship? He states the obvious – Felicity is using work to distract her from worrying about Oliver. OH MY GOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH CURTIS. WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE WITHOUT YOU HERE TO EXPLAIN THAT COMPLETELY OBVIOUS PLOT POINT TO US ALL?

Then, he almost laughs in her face about it, but can control himself enough to only gloat. Wow. Felicity’s friendship cup runneth over. And last, but not least, he refuses to take any responsibility for his role in the team breakdown. How magnanimous of him. What a petty little prick.

Also, why is Curtis always the one to fix a problem with the Helix tech? JUST ONCE I would like to see Felicity solve something tech related to this company without Curtis’ help. Felicity Smoak can program and hack anything. SHE INVENTED THE KEY PIECE OF RAY’S ATOM SUIT. But whenever Curtis is around she is forced to be clueless and rely on Curtis’ brilliance to save the day because LOOK AT WHAT A GOOD TEAM THEY ARE. She is a shining example of a genius female character and now she’s being used to prop Curtis’ man baby brain. It’s nauseating and unbelievably insulting to my gender.

If this is the route Arrow chooses to fix the breach between the two teams (OTA members apologizing while Newbies gloat) then I can safely say I will not forgive the newbies for anything they’ve done. They will be on my list of “Characters Who Need to Die” for the remainder of the show. Starting with my number one spot – Curtis Holt.

Olicity

At least the writers knew the only way to get Olicity fans to watch this garbage pile of nonsense was to stick a 3 minutes Olicity scene at the end and promo the crap out of it.  Unfortunately, the scene didn’t give me “all the feels” the writers intended. 

Felicity comes home in a panic after watching a news report stating the Green Arrow is probably dead. 

Source: @oliverfelicitygifs

Oliver pops up behind her and a very relieved Felicity throws herself into his arms. Any gooey feels I have over Felicity’s concern and emotional hug are about to be obliterated. Felicity informs Oliver this set up doesn’t work for her. When she’s in the bunker, and knows where he is or can see what is happening, it’s easier to cope with her worry. Oliver condescendingly implies there’s very little Felicity can do to help him while she’s in the bunker.

Excuse me, but is Oliver a pod person now? How do we get from THIS

to THIS 

to THIS. 

Do the Arrow writers watch Arrow? This is why people get so fed up. We can go from one episode to the next and characters act completely OOC to push a storyline along. Oliver “You’re My Partner” Queen is now saying Felicity can do very little to help? 

Let’s just unravel the entire basis of the show and the reason the character exists in the first place 

for another bullshit Oliver Queen regression that makes no sense. 

All I am asking for is a modicum of character cohesion and storyline consistency. Is it so much to ask that the Arrow writers know the show and characters they are writing for? I think not.

After Felicity correctly argues she can and HAS helped Oliver many times, he does another 180 and tells Felicity she can never be helpless. Cool bro, but you stated the exact opposite 15 seconds ago. 

Oliver decides it’s time to placate his wife’s legitimate fears by telling her he will always come home.

Source: @oliverfelicitygifs​

Sure, it’s a nice foreshadow for the future since Oliver is probably going to land himself in jail. This scene can serve as reassurance for all those terrified Oliver is going to do 25 to life. I take issue with the promise, however. Do you know why Oliver didn’t make that promise to Felicity in 2x09? 

Because he respected her too much to lie to her. Oliver knew then he doesn’t always have control over what happens to him in this line of work. Accepting death and not being afraid of it is part of the job description. Oliver knows this is a promise he can’t keep because NOBODY CAN. The tiny look of hesitation and resignation his face after hugging Felicity proves it.

Source: @oliverfelicitygifs​

We tell our children little white lies to ease their fears because sometimes they aren’t old enough to understand the truth. Was the promise Oliver made to William completely true? No. Should he have made the promise? Probably not, but I understood why he did. Oliver was trying to ease his son’s fears because William is a child.

But Felicity is a grown woman. Oliver doesn’t need to tell little white lies to his wife so he can continue his deeply stupid need to regress. The only reason Felicity needs to buy into this obvious lie is so she can function while Oliver is out in the field by himself.  How about Oliver LISTENS to his wife and acknowledges the truth – he can’t do this without her. Even emotionally stunted Oliver Queen understood THAT. 

We’re really supposed to believe emotionally evolved Oliver doesn’t? 

I MEAN GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK.

This is why viewers get so frustrated with Arrow. The characters can change personalities like the show changes writers. 

Things we know to be true, and are the backbone of the series, are tossed aside to make an illogical plotlines work. It does nothing to service the characters, show or viewers. All that’s left is a terrible hour of television.

The Dr*gon and Bl*ck S*ren

The function of this episode is to make us give a flying flip about the Dr*gon. However, we are given a sloppily slapped together back story that doesn’t connect to any of the main characters whatsoever – particularly Oliver.  

Di*z grew up in an orphanage and was bullied by an older boy. This is the reason he’s become a menace to society. 

He named his fear “The Dr*gon” and tattooed it everywhere because he’s so tortured and intense.

He’s been trying to move up the criminal ladder to conquer his fear and be respected as a legitimate crime lord. Ummm… okay? Good luck with that. WHY DO I CARE? Oh, that’s right. I don’t. 

Ultimately, Di*z gets a seat on the Quadrant (Season 7 villain set up for sure) and revenge on the kid who bullied him as a child. The moral of the story is don’t be a bully because someday the kid you tortured might show up on your door step and light you on fire.

I thought this was supposed to be the season of many villains. Weren’t we doing away with the singular Big Bad? Why are we suddenly zeroing in on the lamest villain in the group? He’s so lame the writers had to come up with an entire episode to mitigate the lameness.

Di*z and Sir*n spend 85% of the episode sitting in a car trading fortune cookie sayings with one another. They go on and on and on about power, control and not being a dog. It’s a lot about not rolling over, bellies, tails... maybe an ear. Think of every single villain cliché you’ve ever seen and that sums up “The Dr*gon.” 

Di*z’s moves are utterly predicable and I’ve heard the dialogue in about fifty other shows/movies. I wish they had just gone full throttle with plagiarism and stuck, “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse” in there. It’d feel more honest.

BS spends the entire episode asking the big strong man how to be a big strong villain. So, a win for feminism all around. 

BS is so busy telling Di*z not to “roll over” she fails to see she’s following him around like a lost puppy.  

Di*z is the lamest Arrow villain in history (Yes, even worse than Sebastian Blood), but BS is his henchman. So, what does that make her? Nothing good! I’ll tell ya that much. 

In C*ssidy’s defense the dialogue is cringe worthy, but she didn’t make it any better with the over the top acting.

BS tells Di*z not to be a wuss, but when he listens she acts like she has a problem with violence. YOU JUST TOLD HIM NOT TO ROLL OVER. HE’S DOING WHAT YOU ASKED, KEVIN. 

Yet, her eyes cannot behold the horror of Di*z beating a man. Her soul withers at the sight of Di*z killing. She blinks, sighs and turns away in disgust. SHE IS SO CONFLICTED.

Oh, holy hell. Are you kidding me with this crap? This is the same character who killed a security guard begging for his life. This is the same character who screamed in another man’s ear until his veins popped. She’s tried to kill the team multiple times. It’s a little difficult to believe BS has a hard time watching someone get punched. But we’re supposed to believe it because REDEMPTION. Sorry, Imma gonna need a little more than excessive blinking from C*ssidy to sell me on that one.

Di*z’s need to be a legitimate crime boss doesn’t mean the character translates as any more than the common street thug he is. His backstory is intended to make him look complex, but it does the direct opposite. We’ve seen “a villain is made not born” trope a thousand times, including on Arrow. Unfortunately, “bullied in an orphanage” doesn’t hold up against the backstories of Slade, Merlyn, Ra’s Ahl Ghul or Prometheus. 

BS has the nerve to compare Di*z to Adrian Chase and I laughed out loud. 

BS spent all of 15 seconds with Chase, but she knows his anger consumed him? Okay, cupcake. Whatever you say. Comparing the genius ways Chase inflicted pain and revenge on Oliver to the Dr*gon’s hum drum plan of vertigo and the Quadrant is just wrong. Why didn’t they do this villain focused episode with PROMETHEUS? That would have been a good time.

“But Jen, you didn’t like Prometheus at first. You thought he was boring and then you loved him.” Sure, that’s true, but by episode 19 we were full throttle on Adrian’s crazy.

There’s nothing to unmask with Di*z. This isn’t Josh Segarra going to another level. If it was those things then 6x19 was the episode to do it. All that’s revealed is more boring on top of boring.  I can tolerate a misfire in the 10-15-episode range, but we’re rapidly approaching the end. It is incredibly late in the season to be telling us why we should give a flying fig newtin about Di*z. The writers need to come armed with a hell of a lot more than bullied and power hungry for a chair.

Stray Thoughts

It’s safe to say it’s going to be a terrible episode if the writer is tweeting as a PR defense strategy. We shouldn’t need episodes explained to us, but if we do then the answers should make a modicum of sense.

Oliver was in episode 3x10 more AND HE WAS “DEAD.” There’s a reason why Stephen Amell is the star. He carries the show. Don’t ever bench him, writers.

This wins Twitter:

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 6x19 gifs credited.