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slytherflynn · 4 years

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Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

#Blaise Zabini #muggle!reader #blaise x reader #slytherin #hogwarts #lady zabini #harry potter #hp #imagine #fanfic #slytherflynn #part 1

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veganvampiresdrinktomatosauce · 2 years

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A Rudimentary Essay(?) About Being Chronically Ill

I have Cystic Fibrosis, which does a number of things, but the bare-bones of it is that my body has problems absorbing salt, and as a result, my lungs, digestive system, and other key parts of my bodily function are, a little wonky, let's say. My entire adolescence and young adulthood has been filled with a variety of health issues and doctor’s appointments that have impacted my school career, and continue to impact my ability to even get to work. It's tiring, both mentally and physically, and on top of that I also have to worry about Cystic Fibrosis Related Diabetes, from the wearing down of my pancreas and endocrine system.

The thing is though, I am intensely grateful I was born when I was. If I'd been born even 20 years earlier, I'm not sure I would have survived to adulthood. See, the thing about lungs is that, if you get a lung infection enough times, or if they deteriorate enough, your lungs can stop functioning. I had a scare when I was 15 because my lung function was down to 50%, and my pulmonologist was afraid I was going to have to get a lung transplant. And, you know, that may not sound too bad. But lung transplants only last about 3-5 years, if you're really lucky, and if you make it past five years, you're basically living on borrowed time, because lung transplants rarely last more than 10 years.

Luckily, I was able to get my lung function up during a two week hospital stay, but that knowledge has always stuck with me. Being a kid and knowing, very suddenly, that your body– your fucked up, annoying body– is probably going to kill you is kind of traumatic. Even now, I get anxious when I start having difficulty breathing, or when I feel mucus catch in my chest and throat. I’ve been in and out of the hospital many times growing up, and each time is just as awful as the last. I have a phrase I use to describe the specific type of depression that is a chronically ill person’s hospital stay, and it is the Hospital Blues.

The life expectancy for someone with CF was 8 years in the 60s, due to a combination of lung infections and malnutrition, I would imagine. It's been steadily rising as more research is done (and I recognize the privilege in having research done at all, chronically ill people rarely get the care they need and that’s a real issue) and more medications are released. Recently, there's been a medication that's changed my life, called Trikafta, and I'm incredibly thankful for it. My quality of life has steadily increased, and my lung function is the highest it’s been in years. But, the absence of the threat of respiratory failure has brought new issues to the front. My decreased appetite, for example. Or my irregular blood sugars. Sometimes, I really do wish I could be rid of these problems. They’re a pain in the ass, and they tire me out, and I never have time or energy to do the things I want to. I mean, it's enough stress thinking about how I'm going to figure out my student loan debt, or drag myself out of my room and spend time making food for myself that I may not even finish. But, that sounds like I want to be able to completely alleviate my symptoms, rather than not be sick anymore, doesn’t it?

I'd like for other people with CF to not have to go through the same things I did, with doctors not realizing that neurodivergency can have an impact on my physical health as well as my mental health, and with the anxiety around my lungs completely failing in my mid-teens, but I don't want someone to magically snap their fingers and make me "healthy". What I do want is to live a fulfilled life. But it’s hard to do that when people talk about “fixing” you, or making you “healthy” without your input. I had a doctor’s appointment recently, and one of the people on my care team assured me that they were working on a cure, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, if it would increase my ability to live the life I want, great! But at the same time…

I’m not actively dying. But I know there are some people with Cystic Fibrosis that are. Trikafta the “miracle drug” came too late for them, or they didn’t have the right set of mutations and couldn’t take it at all. Life for those people isn’t getting any easier, and just because I’m doing amazing physically, doesn’t mean everyone with CF is. It’s… hard, to remember that.

There isn’t any problem with having a gene mutation though. The only thing that makes CF a problem, is that it tends to kill the people that have it. My care growing up was completely focused on keeping my lung function up, making sure I could live as long as I could, keeping me as close to “normal” and “healthy” as they could. And then I went into the hospital when I was 10, and I resigned myself to the fact that my life would never be the same again. I’d had visits before, but never an overnight stay. I was terrified. I thought I was dying. I had no idea what to expect, and over the next few years, IVs became my sworn enemy. They kept bursting my veins, and it was painful as all hell.

As of right now, there isn’t a cure for Cystic Fibrosis. Trikafta works miracles, but I’m still sick. And until my doctor talks to me about something that could completely alleviate my symptoms, that’s not something I can think about. It’s simply not relevant, and I’d like healthy people to stop pretending like finding a cure is all that matters, or that chronically ill people are walking fodder for Five Feet Apart type romantic tragedy movies. (I have a burning hate for that movie. It plagues me to this day.)

A cure doesn’t matter right now. Why not just change society to give people more support, without making them jump through fifty hoops to actually have that support? I don’t want to be fixed, I want help that will actually help me, with managing my symptoms! I want not to be told, for once, that I’m not doing enough, and that I need to do more! I want to be able to live my life the way I want, I want to be able to tell the stories I want to tell, and I want to be able to live for as long as I feel able to!

Not to mention, being trans and chronically ill is its own special brand of hell because of the bureaucracy you're forced to slog through to even change your name in the system. It’s like they’re trying to make it impossible for me to live my life comfortably!

I’m so tired. It’s just the same thing, over and over again, and I’m never going to be free of it. It would be easier, if I didn’t have to do all of this, every day, every hour, every minute. But the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter if it would be easier. This isn’t some alternate universe where I’m healthy and was born without a genetic mutation that fucks with my cells. I’m not a thought experiment, and what you think about me– whether you think I would be happier if I were “cured”, whether you feel sorry for me because of the perceived tragedy that my life is to you– doesn’t matter. I am a human being, I am a person. I have been disabled my entire life, and I will continue to be disabled until the day I die, because there’s no curing me. This chronic illness is part of who I am. If it kills me, then it kills me, but until that happens, I’m going to tell my stories. I’m going to live my life, to the best of my ability, and I’m going love, and despair, and dance, and cry, and I’m going be okay.

I am who I am, and that’s never going to change.

#death mention #cw chronic illness #cystic fibrosis #personal #I watched a video on why you shouldn't heal or fix disabled characters and I started writing this in the comments #but then I realized that this was basically an infodump and that maybe I have a blog for that actually #long post #wow I really wrote an entire essay because I was having Feelings.#Good for me

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thewebcomicsreview · 4 years

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Do you have a theory about what drama befell Homestuck 2, or if there was any drama at all to cause it to seemingly go down?

I had no clue, but Andrew Hussie posted his explanation on Patreon, which is a public post so I’ll just quote the whole thing here:

The plan now is to have HS^2 finished, but without a regular update schedule. Previously saved Patreon funds will be used to privately commission the team to finish the story. It will all be posted at once when it is finished, and there will be no updates until this happens. I expect that it will take a long time to finish the story. This is because I am specifically instructing the team to work slowly.

I originally agreed to let this project move forward entirely based on the presumption that it would be an enjoyable experience for the team involved. It's not like I had a burning need to release a continuation of the narrative, or a formal "sequel", which is never how I viewed this arc. The project mostly came about because I picked up on the enthusiasm the original creative group had for the idea, and I also sensed that energy was being reciprocated by the particular state of the fandom at the time. But since then I've observed it's been pretty far from an enjoyable experience for the team due to the way the members have been treated by large segments of the fandom, and this pattern appeared to surface almost immediately after the project launched.

This put me in a state of conflict about the project ever since, because I like the content quite a bit. Some have lamented that it doesn't feel much like the original series, but it was never supposed to. I've never once invited anyone to work on a Homestuck project with the hope they would perfectly clone my style or approach to making content. I feel that is neither possible nor desirable. So any time I invite anyone the only real standard I want them to meet is to bring their own voice and perspective to the work even if, or sometimes especially, this results in significant departures from the expectations for the characters fans typically have. Like pretty much everything else that's been released over the last few years, I think HS^2 has satisfied that purpose very well.

So there has been conflict between liking what's being done, not wanting to waste the work or disappoint those who enjoy it, and the chronic abusive treatment the staff has received while trying to work on this story. I admit I've been at a loss on how to handle this, so I've just let it ride for a year or so. To some extent it's part of any project like this, to put stuff out there and receive criticism, and I'm sure the team understood that. But I think there's a line where criticism crosses over into more abusive expressions, and I've observed this has happened way too often.

If it were just me making it, I don't think it would even occur to me to have a problem with it, because I'm so used to wild stuff coming at me from doing this for many years prior. I view attitudes toward me very differently than those I invite for collaboration. I've done this so long hostility toward me barely even registers. If I inexplicably log onto tumblr appearing to resemble some sort of extravagant clown, make a few shitposts, and I'm met with literally thousands upon thousands of comments about feet, it's pretty easy to laugh it off because that's exactly the type of stupid shit I expected to see. I've just always worked with those types of contentious interactions in a way that is inseparable from whatever strange performance is connected with the content I happen to be making at the time. But it's a very different situation when I see stuff directed at the people I work with.

The things I see that my co-creators and friends have to read are a lot more alarming. One major problem here is the people I work with are mostly women, many are transgender, many are people of color. So the stuff they get is especially vicious, because the people giving them shit usually target the sensitive features of their identities in ways they don't with me. And I'm not just talking about obvious stuff like calling them slurs or anything. It's more that I've noticed people have clever ways of using people's identities to bully them in less conspicuously bigoted ways. They always go a little harder, a little more critical, manufacturing ways of blaming them for things they had nothing to do with. Stuff you start noticing when you've seen way too much of it. Much of this stuff even crosses into physically threatening territory. Some people I work with get multiple threats every week, and it's just become a routine part of their lives while being involved with Homestuck. All the above treatment I'm referring to is not focused on a couple people, it covers everyone contributing to the full range of Homestuck projects over the last several years.

And I don't think that's what contributors were signing up for, or at least, I never wanted anyone who takes on official work to feel like it's an essential cost of participation. But I've never really known what to do about this, because it's very difficult to control fandom behavior, and if you ever try to police anyone's conduct it usually just backfires. The worst offenders out there almost see it as a challenge to go harder. So usually I leave these things alone, since the only alternative is pulling the plug on certain projects. Which is essentially what I'm doing here, while taking steps to make sure it gets finished in the background, because I really don't want to see the work wasted.

My only criteria for the completion of HS^2 is that whoever is involved the rest of the way just has a good time with it, and ends up feeling like they have made a good story. If the team is happy with it, then so am I, and nothing else about it matters to me. Especially not sticking to a schedule or satisfying fandom demands, whatever those even are at this point.

Since this is a post appearing on the Patreon, I should say any reference to abusive fan behavior isn't including current patrons obviously. I can only assume anyone willing to donate to the project for this long would hold a very sincere attitude about supporting this project, which I greatly appreciate and I'm sure the HS^2 team does as well.

There's probably more to say about this, but I'll leave it at that for now. If there's anything to add later I may address it in an internal note to patrons (remember that if you want to remain a patron you will never be charged again). I'll consider ways to thank the patrons for hanging in there all this time and supporting the team. Maybe some free stuff. We all appreciate your support. —Andrew

#Homestuck 2 #Anonymous

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uncloseted · 3 years

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Recently I've been seeing some tiktoks from people who are apparently "against adoption". I don't really go into their profiles to see what they mean exactly and what they think we should do with children in foster care. They always say that "no one is entitled to another person's baby". At the risk of sounding insensitive, it looks like most of them were adopted and had a bad experience with it and probably resent their birth parents for "abandoning" them. But I don't really know.

I also know that there are some problems with the adoption system in America, but I'm not extremely familiar with it because I don't live there. Please tell me if you need more information and I'll look for it

Honestly, you have no idea how much I've wanted someone to ask my opinion on this 😂 TikTok has been trying to feed me these videos, too, and I have very strong feelings about them. I've been wondering if the fact that TikTok is a Chinese company has something to do with why anti-adoption TikToks keep getting promoted, since China is one of the most common countries that the US adopts from.

I think you're probably right in your assessment that a lot of the very vocal anti-adoption people on social media are people who were adopted themselves and have unresolved trauma around it. Many of them seem like they're not really in a place emotionally where they can imagine experiences of adoption that aren't like their own, or situations in which adoption might be logistically necessary.

That said, there are some serious problems with how we approach adoption in the US, and those problems are important to talk about. So first let's go over some of the issues that the adoption system in the US has, and then we can talk about some potential solutions to those issues and why being totally anti-adoption doesn't really make sense.

What Does Adoption Look Like in the US?

To start, let's go over what adoption actually looks like in the US. The US has an unusually high rate of adoptions- about 3 adoptions per live birth, in contrast to countries like Sweden and Norway (1.1 per 100 live births) and Australia (0.2 per 100 live births). Approximately 15% of those adoptions are international, 40% are from foster care, and 45% are "other" (including voluntary adoptions through domestic adoption agencies and stepparents or other family members adopting a child directly). Roughly 2-3% of all children under the age of 18 are adopted. Infertility is the most common reason that parents seek to adopt a child they're not related to. Kinship adoptions (children being adopted by family members or close family friends) are typically the first option considered by foster care workers when children are removed from their homes.

Types of Adoption

In the US, we have both open and closed adoptions. Open adoptions allow the biological parent to be in touch with the adoptive parents and the child, and provide the adoptive family with identifying information about their biological parent. In some states, adoptive and biological parents can enter into a legally binding contract that enforces visitation rights and what information can be exchanged about the adoption and about the child.

Closed adoptions seal all identifying information in order to protect the identities of the biological and adoptive parents, as well as to protect the child's identity. This is generally done in cases where the child is adopted as a baby, where the adoptive parents don't want their adopted child to be able to find their biological parents or to know anything about them. An estimated 5% of adoptions in the US are closed.

Disruption

In the US, we also have a process known as "disruption", which is ending an adoption. Sometimes, an adoption is disrupted before the adoption is finalized. Other times, disruptions are a court proceeding after the adoption has been made legal- more like a divorce. Disruptions can happen because the adopted child has psychological, developmental, or health issues the adoptive family can't handle or was not aware of prior to the adoption, or because the parents cannot handle being parents themselves. Disruption seems to be especially common in international adoptions, where children have suffered from spending their first few years in an orphanage. One US Department of Health and Human Services review suggested that 10-25% of adoptions are disrupted or dissolved, but it is unclear how frequently this happens because of the social stigma around disruption. Frequently, post-finalized disruptions (also known as "rehoming") are not regulated, so the child's new housing situation is not investigated to see if it is the best place for the child. As a result of this lack of oversight, rehoming is a target for child and sex traffickers.

What are the Problems With Adoption in the US?

Foster Care

Okay, so now let's dig into some of the big problems that the US adoption system has. The first one I want I want to talk about is issues with the foster care system in the US. There are a lot of issues to do with foster care, but for now I want to focus just on children who are adopted out of the foster care system.

Foster care is when a child is placed into a group home or the home of a state-certified caregiver. The state makes all legal decisions for the child, while the foster parent is responsible for their day to day care. Despite the fact that foster parents go through a licensing process that determines their fitness to be a foster parent and requires foster parents to take parenting classes, one third of foster children in the US report being abused by a foster parent or other adult in the foster home.

The goal of foster care is generally reuniting families when possible; 51% of children who exited foster care in 2010 were reunited with parents or caretakers, 8% went to live with a relative, and 21% were adopted by new parents. The majority of children are placed into foster care due to concerns of neglect (81.2% of cases in California), but those issues are not always resolved once the child enters into the foster care system.

Children who have been in the foster care system are disproportionately likely to have a mental illness, and some studies suggest that as many as 47.9% of foster care youth show signs of serious emotional or behavioral problems. In California, as many as 30% of previous foster children are diagnosed with PTSD. Nearly half of all children in foster care have chronic medical problems. Only 56% of children in foster care graduate from high school (compared to 89.80% of the general population), and 3% graduate from college (compared to about 34.98% of the general population). The emotional trauma that can accompany having been in the foster care system may make children more difficult to adopt and make it more difficult for them to adjust to their adoptive family. About 10% of children placed in foster care stayed in foster care for five years or more.

Further, never being adopted from the foster system comes with negative consequences of its own. After aging out of foster care, 27% of males and 10% of females were incarcerated within 12 to 18 months. 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, and 19% of females had given birth to children. Before leaving care, 47 percent were receiving some kind of counseling or medication for mental health problems; that number dropped to 21% after leaving care.

There is some data to suggest that because of the way financial incentives are set up in the foster care system, there's a financial incentive for the Department of Children and Family Services to remove children from their parents and keep them in the foster care system. There is also some data to suggest that unfit people become foster parents for the financial benefits.

International and Interracial Adoptions

Now, let's talk about international adoptions. I think when a person uses the word "adoption" this is typically what we think of- an American adopting a baby from a developing country to "give it a better life" in the US. The US is responsible for around 50% of all cases of international adoption. This practice is seen by some to be patronizing or neo-colonialist, particularly since there are children who need adoptive families within the US.

Per the Hauge Adoption Convention, inter-country adoptions should be made in the best interests of the child. Despite this, international adoptions are more likely to be products of adoption fraud than domestic adoptions. Because international adoption is a popular option in the US, instead of being about finding homes for orphaned or abandoned children, international adoption sometimes becomes about finding children for first world parents who are looking to make an international adoption. Infants are particularly "in demand" in the international adoption market, which creates a financial incentive to identify more infants for adoption even though most children available for adoption internationally are school-aged. Because of this demand for international children to adopt that outpaces the supply of international children who need an adoptive family, adoption fraud occurs.

Adoption fraud can take many forms. For example, the birth parents may have not consented to the adoption of their child at all, are under the impression that their child will be returned to them after a period of time, or were paid to relinquish custody of their children. The child may have living relatives who are willing to adopt, they may be represented as being more impoverished than they actually are, or they may be represented as having no siblings even though they do.

International adoptions are also frequently interracial adoptions, which can create some unique difficulties. Adoptees who are POC but whose parents are white still face societal discrimination, particularly if their adoptive parents live in a predominantly white community. Their identities are fundamentally different to those of their parents, and so they may struggle with feeling "different" to their family. Children of interracial adoptions are more likely to report feeling like they don't fit in anywhere, although this can be mitigated by how the adoptive family discusses race and ethnicity, how they encourage their child to engage in socialization with other people of their race/ethnicity, and how they construct a "shared family identity" that does not center race or physical appearance.

Familial or Kinship Adoptions

The last thing I want to talk about in this section is familial or "kinship" adoptions versus non-familial adoptions. As I mentioned above, kinship adoptions are typically the first option when a child is removed from their home or loses their parents. Up to 36% of children who are adopted from foster care are adopted by relatives, and around 50% are reunited with a birth parent. I had difficulty finding the number of children who are directly adopted by relatives without being put into foster care first, but know that it's relatively high. Kinship adoptions are thought to minimize trauma since the caregiver is familiar to them, kinship adoptions are more likely to preserve sibling groups, and the caregiver is more likely to live in the same community (meaning that the adopted child can continue attending the same school and won't have to move).

Proponents of kinship adoptions say that children in the care of relatives experience increased stability, fewer placements, are more likely to express positive feelings about their placements, and have fewer adverse behavioral and mental health outcomes. It is important to note that some of these factors are not directly related to familial ties themselves; for example, the reduction in behavioral and mental health problems may be due in part to spending less time within the foster care system when compared to children without family ties. Kinship adoption also increases the likelihood that the children will be reunited with their biological parents in some capacity.

Detractors of kinship adoption argue that we prioritize kinship adoptions because they are less expensive, entail less vetting and follow ups, and reduce risk of liability. They argue that kinship adoptions encourage people who should not be caring for children to do so, and that the financial incentives involved in the arrangement complicate the situation.

Difficulties Being an Adoptee

There are difficulties that can be associated with being an adopted child, particularly for international adoptees or adoptees who were previously in foster care. Adoption research can be somewhat difficult to parse because researchers do not always differentiate between different types of adoptees when recruiting for their studies. Additionally, researchers are more likely be looking at a clinical population to begin with (adoptees already diagnosed with a mental health disorder), so the data they find may not be generalizable to the entire adoptee population.

As we talked about above, international or interracial adoptees can develop feelings of a lack of acceptance or difficulty understanding their identity. Foster children can struggle to cope with the trauma they experienced before being removed from their environments, the ensuing instability that can occur from being moved within the foster care system, and the trauma from the foster care system itself.

The impact of adoption before birth (when a biological parent agrees they will let a person become the adoptive parent once the child is born) on the adoptee seems to be less clear, since the adoptive parent is the only parent the adoptee has ever known. It seems that having a stable, secure, loving, honest, and supportive family is the best predictor of outcomes, whether the child is adopted or not.

Other concerns that I've seen raised on TikTok specifically relate to the role of an adopted child in the adoptive family. They sometimes raise the belief that children are being adopted with the intention of being "parentified" (to provide physical and emotional support for the parents as opposed to the other way around). I couldn't find any evidence that this happens, but I did find a lot of articles about adoptive parents who are looking to help their adopted child stop exhibiting parental behaviors.

I also see concerns that a child is adopted with the purpose of fixing a marriage or to help the parent feel fulfilled in their life. I couldn't find any data on this claim, either. I imagine it does happen. But it also happens in parents who decide to have a biological child, and I would wager a guess that it's less likely to happen in the case of adoptions because there's an extensive vetting process before a person or couple can legally adopt.

Why Adoption is Sometimes Necessary

I do think there are cases in which adoption is necessary. In childhood development research, there's this concept called "adverse childhood experiences". These are various forms of abuse, neglect, and dysfunction that a child may experience. In the original study, the ACEs were as follows:

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn't look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn't have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

Was your parent or caretaker: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

Did a household member go to prison?

ACEs are associated with high-risk health behaviors such as smoking, substance abuse, promiscuity, and severe obesity, as well as health conditions such as depression, heart disease, cancer, lung disease, and overall shortened lifespan. Children who had four ACEs had a seven fold (700%) increase in alcoholism, a doubling of risk of being diagnosed with cancer, and a four fold increase in emphysema. An ACE score above 6 was associated with a 30-fold (3000%) increase in attempted suicide. The greater the number of ACEs in a person's childhood, the more likely it is that they will be at risk for negative health and wellness outcomes.

I bring this concept up because adoption is essentially one ACE. It is traumatic to be removed from your primary caregiver, especially if you're old enough to remember it. But being left in a dysfunctional household will typically result in several ACEs over a child's lifetime. When these kind of events occur, it's important to immediately reduce the risk that the child will experience another one, whether that means removing the child from their home or not.

But even if you believe that adopting a child is the equivalent of 10 ACEs, there are some situations in which adoption is unavoidable. If a child loses both their parents, adoption is unavoidable, especially if they have no living relatives. If a child is "safely surrendered" (abandoned at a site such as a hospital or fire station), adoption is unavoidable. If a pregnant person decides they don't want a child, adoption is (and should be) unavoidable. We shouldn't be forcing parents to give up their children, but we also shouldn't be forcing biological parents to raise a child they don't want and aren't ready for. I think people who are fully anti-adoption fail to consider these types situations.

So What Can We do Better?

I am 110% with anti-adoption advocates when they say that there are real problems within our adoption system. But to get rid of adoption entirely is to almost literally throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm not an expert in this field by any means, but it seems that some things we can do to improve the adoption system might include:

Introducing comprehensive sex education into schools, making access to birth control options inexpensive and easy, increasing access to abortion

Introducing easily accessible options for mental health treatment to anyone who needs it

Offering more support to parents who are struggling to take care of their child, with the goal of reducing the number of children who are removed from their biological parents to begin with

Reducing the prison population by decriminalizing certain victimless crimes

Tightening restrictions around who can be a foster parent or an adoptive parent, regardless of their relationship to the child, and standardizing those requirements across the country

Requiring all adults in a household to be considered "parents" to the adoptive/foster child, meaning that they are also subject to restrictions and foster/adoptive parent training

Putting regulations in place for "rehoming" a child

Encouraging domestic adoptions before international adoptions, if not ending the process of international adoptions entirely

Making rehabilitation of parents and reunification of families the goal except in extenuating circumstances

Ending the practice of completely closed adoptions, and legally protecting post-adoption contracts

Providing better mental health support for adopted children

Providing better resources for parents looking to adopt, including required parenting classes for states that don't already have them and specific training for parents who are adopting from the foster system, adopting interracially, or have other circumstances that may make their situation more emotionally complicated

Realigning financial incentives so that family reunification and adoption are the goals

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madam-melon-meow-vriska · 4 years

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Future Approach to Homestuck^2

(the following is a word for word copy paste of the email sent to Homestuck^2 patreons on Febuary 11th, 2021, at 6:27 pm eastern time)

Homestuck^2 is going to be completed, but the Patreon will not be charging patrons anymore. The account will be frozen and no additional patrons will be accepted, but the ones currently registered are welcome to stay and receive notifications about the future of this project if the team is inclined to post any. The plan now is to have HS^2 finished, but without a regular update schedule. Previously saved Patreon funds will be used to privately commission the team to finish the story. It will all be posted at once when it is finished, and there will be no updates until this happens. I expect that it will take a long time to finish the story. This is because I am specifically instructing the team to work slowly. I originally agreed to let this project move forward entirely based on the presumption that it would be an enjoyable experience for the team involved. It's not like I had a burning need to release a continuation of the narrative, or a formal "sequel", which is never how I viewed this arc. The project mostly came about because I picked up on the enthusiasm the original creative group had for the idea, and I also sensed that energy was being reciprocated by the particular state of the fandom at the time. But since then I've observed it's been pretty far from an enjoyable experience for the team due to the way the members have been treated by large segments of the fandom, and this pattern appeared to surface almost immediately after the project launched. This put me in a state of conflict about the project ever since, because I like the content quite a bit. Some have lamented that it doesn't feel much like the original series, but it was never supposed to. I've never once invited anyone to work on a Homestuck project with the hope they would perfectly clone my style or approach to making content. I feel that is neither possible nor desirable. So any time I invite anyone the only real standard I want them to meet is to bring their own voice and perspective to the work even if, or sometimes especially, this results in significant departures from the expectations for the characters fans typically have. Like pretty much everything else that's been released over the last few years, I think HS^2 has satisfied that purpose very well. So there has been conflict between liking what's being done, not wanting to waste the work or disappoint those who enjoy it, and the chronic abusive treatment the staff has received while trying to work on this story. I admit I've been at a loss on how to handle this, so I've just let it ride for a year or so. To some extent it's part of any project like this, to put stuff out there and receive criticism, and I'm sure the team understood that. But I think there's a line where criticism crosses over into more abusive expressions, and I've observed this has happened way too often. If it were just me making it, I don't think it would even occur to me to have a problem with it, because I'm so used to wild stuff coming at me from doing this for many years prior. I view attitudes toward me very differently than those I invite for collaboration. I've done this so long hostility toward me barely even registers. If I inexplicably log onto tumblr appearing to resemble some sort of extravagant clown, make a few shitposts, and I'm met with literally thousands upon thousands of comments about feet, it's pretty easy to laugh it off because that's exactly the type of stupid shit I expected to see. I've just always worked with those types of contentious interactions in a way that is inseparable from whatever strange performance is connected with the content I happen to be making at the time. But it's a very different situation when I see stuff directed at the people I work with.

(apparently I have a character limit, will reblog with the rest)

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purge-that-urge-rhackathon · 3 years

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Spoons? What spoons?

Hi yall! Been meaning to check in for a while :3 put under a read more cuz goddamn it has been a while.

SO when last we met LOLOL or some other opener... xD

Dad

Dad’s doing as well as can be expected. His brain is more or less getting back to normal (mom says its not; I told her she’s just seeing him for the first time proper and all the cruel shit he’s saying/doing is very much in-character for him when he’s not always stoned, but thanks to therapy I have the words and stuff to communicate all that abusive shit to her now; I love him but I hate him but we’ll touch on that xD). He’s had three amputations so far and he’s developed osteomyelitis (bone infection) so he’s been doing 2hr ‘dives’ in the Hyperbaric chamber every other day to fight it up to 10 dives. I’m told its $200,000 treatment which their new health insurance is fully paying for cuz one surgery already hit the $20,000 premium (don’t even get me started on THAT fight I had to do to get them signed up so we’d still have a place to live- they don’t ‘believe’ in insurance cuz they dont know shit... lawsuits are still pending and will be for the next 2-3yrs i expect). So... yeah. Mom has stepped up with a lot of stuff and she’s better educated on it all too thank fuck.

Thank fuck for therapy

The entire time dad’s stuff has been taking place, I’ve been attempting therapy, which was never explained to me properly/offered of ‘why am i here’ sort of thing, soooo about 4months (5-6 sessions of 30min therapy) turned out to be a COMPLETE waste of time. I’m on mediCal and the clinic they assigned me to only deals with mild-moderate trauma and can only see me for max. of six months when most patients make an improvement. Asking the therapist when we’d actually get to the trauma and triggers and all the other shit I’ve been pursuing therapy for two years over resulted in some clarity and I’ve been putting off making the phone call X_X My therapist only deals with singular trauma, and she said I have complex/multiple trauma with PTSD, and there’s no possible way (in my opinion and hers as well) I’d get any modicum of ‘better’ in six months cuz I’m too damaged, so like... that’s fun to know. I’ve been living in denial about my quality of life for decades and hearing it from a professional has considerably destroyed my sense of self (as it should tbh cuz these rose colored glasses are made of broken bottles LOL). Everything about myself revolves around survival tactics so I’m kind of floundering about living in lies (cuz coming to terms with trauma you’ve convinced yourself doesn’t actually bother you too much will do that, and ‘fawning’ is apparently one of the flight/fight responses and hardcore how i’ve lived these past decades) sooooo that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s super painful to come to terms with. If you’ve ever had to eat fast-food ketchup packets cuz you’re so hungry as a child and there’s nothing else you can have and they’re free, WELP then you might have a very very small window of what my quality of life has been like (: and me and my sister just thought we were fat kids for always being hungry constantly LOL

Also thank fuck for brain medication

On the good news end, I’ve officially been medicated just over 2months for my adhd :D I’m on atomoxetine (strattera) and it’s COMPLETELY gotten rid of my executive dysfunction, I can get up in the morning regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten, and I have much more energy and motivation to do stuff :) My medication isn’t a stimulant but works on the adrenal glands (which I suspected from various other body ailments might be the source of a LOT of my problems-- especially the chronic fatigue- and if the meds took them away, then I was right, and they did, so.... adrenal gland fixer yay!) and anyways it’s improved life a lot. It gives me goosebumps sometimes too which is funny but I’m real happy with it. If anyone has any questions, I’ve always been a loud mouth irl about my disorders in order to be visible and unashamed for others, and I’ve helped a lot of peers irl with mental bullshit and I’m always willing to pay it forward! :)

The doom and gloom stuff xD

I’m trying to get back into writing. Desperately. I spend time at night writing a couple of sentences when it’s quiet, but then I usually pass out in five minutes cuz tbh I don’t really sleep anymore and I haven’t since dad’s accident so progress on my creative endeavors is going very very slow. Lord knows I have the fucking time rn. I’ve been getting one shift a week at work since June cuz there’s NO hours, so I’m freaking out about money (i’m probably gonna open commissions again), and my life, and my age, and how I’ll never get out of fucking debt at this rate, and how I’m so fucking mentally fucked cuz I can’t do two/three jobs with my fucking adhd and shit, and I want to move out but I can’t live with other people cuz of the aforementioned trauma/distrust and it’s not like anywhere is affordable anyways in this hell country soooo. Yeah. I’m at the point of taking out balance transfers from credit cards to deposit cash into my bank account cuz i can’t fucking survive otherwise and I guess I’ll figure that out next month. I joke around but are any of you an escort/have you done that kind of work before/could I ask questions? >_> I need options. If I could sell an organ for about $25k i’d just do that but i AM desperate and I’m open to any and all suggestions for quick cash no matter how demeaning. Can’t demean someone who’s used to it all their life! :D Real talk tho i’m not kidding, if anyone could point me to some resources, DM me :|

So yeah that’s what’s up in a nutshell. Really REALLY wanna write and finish some shit... existential dread and basic survival is getting in the way of that. Bear with me though, it’s been a very very tough year but nothing has been abandoned and I’m definitely around. Just rarely have the spoons to do shit :D

#poisonjack jabbers #you'd never guess i once had a million-dollar life insurance policy would you? or a government job with perks. fuck i miss japan.#i've got 4 side hustles that bring in maybe $200 every other month/every three months and its low maintenance but it aint enough #i promise im not miss negativity i'm just burnt out and disappointed with myself that im not doing more while i have the time :\#i'd love to go back to bartending but i can't mask anymore and most of the assholes at bars rn are unvaxxed and im vaxxed but still at risk #theres a bikini bar in town i thought to apply to but i need to lose some weight first before they'll accept me and thats hard x_x #anywho im pretty certain im gonna open fic commissions again sooooo thats something :D

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trilies · 4 years

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Homestuck^2 will continue on; Hussie’s letter on Patreon

#long post #homestuck #homestuck 2 #Homestuck^2 #good to see that fandom is still as abusive and atrocious as when i initially left it during its prime

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uwuowotf2waslife · 4 years

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The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella) and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

#tf2 #tf2 imagines #tf2 facts #tf2 self insert #tf2 spy #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 engie #tf2 demo #so #all #long post #autism #relationships dynamic #mentall health

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sapphire-strikes · 4 years

Note

Seems like the FK has a chronic case of "I'd rather die than talk about my problems". The idea that; if you're not strong enough to take care of yourself then you're more of a burden to your friends than an actual friend. And if you can't get things together on your own then maybe they'd all be better off without you. While also being incredibly unaware of what a massive hypocrite they're being since they'd never think that way about anyone else and are still hell bent on helping others.

Final part of that little distressed FK prompt I have running! Thank you all again for reading and requesting!

Part. 1 Part. 2

The relief that filled his chest when he saw you across the street was immeasurable. You were out in the middle of town of all places, at least now he knew you were okay. Kamal and him were on their way to Jimothen's for a sort of impromptu meeting with a few of the other townsfolk. Everyone wanted to get together and plan you out a 'thank you' party or something to give you a bit of a break. A grand gesture to show you what you meant to everyone, you certainly deserved it.

Normally he'd be more excited about that kind of thing but he couldn't help but drag his feet a little. You needed something more than that. Not something bigger, just something different. Still, he was eager to contribute to anything that might help cheer you up.

The way you'd run away from him the other night, the way you'd acted was so full of fear. Despite how much you tried to sell it as anger, it was fear. You were so hurt and scared and even more scared to show it. There was so much he'd wanted to say but he couldn't find the words and opted to try and get you to stay until Kamal came back. In the end he'd only ended up scaring you more.

It probably wasn't a good idea to approach you out on the street. He still felt bad for upsetting you the other night but your pallid presence was tugging his heartstrings in your direction. You'd been on his mind nonstop. Even before you went completely silent you weren't eating properly or getting enough sleep and there was nothing he could do to help like he usually did because you stopped visiting. He could only imagine what you'd been doing to yourself (or rather not doing for yourself) cooped up in your house these last three days. Gaah, he was pulling his hair out just thinking about it!

In the end he couldn't help himself and ran to follow you. Stopping for a moment to look back at Kamal who had crossed the street pick up the bags you had dropped. When Kamal noticed him hesitating he put his hands on his hips and remarked in a half joking but encouraging tone.

"Well, what are you waiting on? You're not gonna let 'em get away again are you, doc?" No, no he wasn't, not this time. Nodding in determination, he rounded the corner after you.

It took him a minute to see you though the glass of Jimothen's. After doing a double take as he ran by he burst in more violently then he would have liked.

Maybe it was the adrenaline but he finally found the strength to speak up. He was scared that if he didn’t speak his mind now, he’d lose the chance and you'd go back into hiding. Unfortunately he wasn't expecting you to move away from him like you did and you ended up falling backwards.

Crap, were you hurt? That was his fault. You didn’t hit your head did you?

He gently reached forward to help you back up, watching your face closely for any signs of pain in case you actually did hurt something.

"Stay away from me!"

When you yelled he pulled back his hands like he’d just grabbed onto an electric fence, not to mention the fact that you'd just barely missed him with your swing.

"P-please..."

You were still fighting to back away from him even though you were on the ground and you once again looked so scared. And once again he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it despite how much he was screaming at himself to find some way to help you.

When you eventually pulled yourself to your feet and began shuffling your way around him he couldn't bring himself to move, too scared of upsetting you further and just let out another apology.

Even he didn't expect your next move as you began insisting that you were going to be fine. Even you weren't denying it anymore. You were shaking and your eyes were turning red but it was your final words that sealed his conviction.

"I want to fix this, I-I just want things to go back to normal! So...don't worry too much, okay?"

You weren't just scared of sharing your problems, you were scared of losing your friends as a result of it. He wanted nothing more than to pull you into a bone crushing hug and never let go. He might have finally acted on the urge if Kamal hadn't appeared. Kamal's appearance seemed to have lifted all the tension in the air for just a moment and for second the distraught look on your face was replaced with one of uncertainty. Maybe this was it! Kamal was always so good with words, if he could talk to you maybe he could convince you to open up to them.

Then as quickly as that moment of peace began it was abruptly broken when you pushed pass Kamal and ran out the door.

Now you were finally sitting in his house. Curled up on the other side of the couch from him, staring at the wall. The way you sat there in defeat, having completely given up just made him feel worse. This wasn't what he'd wanted. Maybe they should have just let you go. Maybe you'd keep your promise and start talking to him again if he just let you do your thing. You were usually right about this sort of thing and you knew yourself better than he did right? That would make you happy right? No...no you shouldn't be alone right now. You needed someone to be there for you whether you knew it or not.

For the first time since leaving the Habitat, he felt scared to interact or even touch you.

Almost a year ago, when you'd approached him back at the Habitat, you showed him the tooth lily and hugged him. You had hugged him! The man that had just forcefully removed your teeth. You even held onto his hand and insisted he leave with you.

After that you were always there to offer him a gentle hand on his shoulder or a hug when you saw him looking nervous. It took him forever to get the feeling of pulling your teeth out of his hands, like he was going to hurt you again just by touching you. But...you never flinched or even tried to stop him when he'd start doing small gestures like patting your head or placing a hand on your shoulder. Eventually those small gestures evolved into abnormally long bear hugs, riding around on his shoulders, tickle attacks and sleepovers. You'd even helped him through some of his worst breakdowns.

Maybe that's why this was so strange. Being friends with you was just second nature now and not comforting you felt more unusual than the alternative. You were his family and it hurt that he couldn't finally return your kindness. But he reminded himself of how you must have been seeing this situation, maybe...just maybe you'd never had anybody return the favor before. If that was the case then he wasn't going to let you off the hook as easily as you were used to.

You hadn’t spoken to either of them since you got to their house. It was a mixture of anger and not actually having anything to say. You even skipped out on eating anything. Kamal just sighed and let you go, assuring you that it would be in the fridge if you changed your mind. Boris on the other hand was visibly upset at your refusal to join them but kept quiet.

Looking back at Boris, he was practically hiding behind the corner as he watched you. You finally gave up, grabbing the bag and walking to the bathroom to change and brush your teeth. Boris was gone by the time you'd gotten back so your actions must have satisfied him.

Eventually night rolled around and they both began getting ready to turn in. After Boris had switched into his pajamas he stood nervously at the end of the hall watching you expectancy and seeming disappointment when you didn't move to do whatever he thought you were supposed to be doing. Was he waiting for you to get ready for bed? You were just going to sleep on the couch anyway so it didn't really matter... Before you could finish that thought you were hit in the side of the head by a soft duffle bag.

"Bedtime, kiddo, get ready!", Kamal yelled to you from upstairs, clearly satisfied with his aim. What even was this? Oh yeah, your over-night bag...you'd almost forgot you kept one here.

"Hey, look who's talking again", he mused and you shrugged. You didn't really care about keeping up the silent treatment, you just haven't had much to say.

A bit of time passed and you were starting to nod off from your spot on the couch when you felt someone sit beside you. The movement caused you to jump a bit but you settled back down when you saw who it was.

"Oh...hi, Kamal..." you offered half a wave then rested your head back on your knees.

"So, you wanna talk about what went down back at Jimothen's?"

"You said we weren't gonna talk about this until tomorrow." You replied flatly

"True, but if you look at the time it is technically tomorrow." He bargained and you looked at the clock. It was already half past midnight so he wasn't wrong. A long moment of silence passed then you finally spoke.

"I got angry..."

"Angry huh?"

"Yeah, and I yelled at Boris again."

"Heh, yeah, he told me about that"

"Then why are you asking me about it?", you snapped a bit but caught yourself and apologized, "I...I'm sorry."

"See, there it is!", he said in an inappropriately encouraging tone.

"There's what?", you questioned.

"There's our little flower shmoe!" He followed up but you still didn't understand what he was getting at.

"I'm not following..."

He finished his speech by leaning back onto his knees and chuckling slightly, "Hey, that last part rhymed, didn't it?"

He rolled his eyes jokingly, moving to sit on his knees and face you on the couch.

"You think you can scare us off, kid?" You just stared at him questioningly. "The way you've been acting, the hiding, the running away; it's gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of us now and you know why???" You were struck wordless by his sudden boldness and he took your silence as his cue to continue. "Because everybody loves you, Y/N! And they don't just like, love you love you, they love YOU." He pointed at your chest for emphasize. "I know who you are, kid, so does Boris. So do all those j-cats out in town. The way you ignored everyone and yelled, that isn't really you is it? And even if it was, we'd all love that too. Why? Because we love YOU."

"Don't worry about it, little buddy. Just think on it okay?" He looked around then stood up, "Well, I should probably get to bed. You too, don't stay up too late!" He smiled and ruffled your hair as he walked away, offering one last look in your direction before heading to bed, "G'night, Y/n".

You didn't know what to say.

"Kamal, I...." He raised a hand to stop you.

You sat alone for what felt like another few hours with Kamal's words buzzing around in your head and weighing on your heart. Was it really that simple?

The sound of a door clicking sounded from down the hall. Normally you would have just ignored it but your talk with Kamal had you feeling restless so you got up to go see if he was still awake.

Unfortunately, Kamal's door was shut and the lights in his room were off which was a good sign that he really had gone to sleep. However, the hall was illuminated by a dim glow, which after closer inspection, seemed to be coming from Boris’s room as the door hung ajar.

You stepped around the door, standing in the ray of light that shown out into the hallway and found the room empty. That was strange, if he wasn't here then where was he? Your question was soon answered when you turned around to see the brightly colored :-) staring you down from the darkness. You jumped back, covering your mouth to stop yourself from screaming

• “I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be up!" He quickly apologized as he shifted back to normal. Boris was holding a glass of water, which made sense, he usually switched to his shadow form when he wanted to walk around at night without waking anyone up.

"No no, you're fine, you just startled me is all." You laughed at your own reaction, it had been a while since he'd startled you like that.

Boris sheepishly sipped his water in the doorway as if waiting for you to make the next move. Kamal’s words were still stuck in your mind. If you really were stuck with them worrying, you might as well start clearing the waters. That would make things easier down the line at least.

"I, uh, I'm sorry, Boris, for everything." You were feeling especially bold right now but he tilted his head questioningly. Did he really not know what you were talking about?, "For yelling at you before, I mean..."

"Oh, it's okay, I-I made you mad I know..."

"No, no you didn't, Boris! I...I was never mad at you, I don't think I could ever be mad at you." You put up a weak smile but it was sincere. "It's just that things have been kind of...I mean, I've been really..." As soon as the words started to form you reflexively cut them off. You looked up between your stutters to see that you had Boris’s full attention.

"Please don't stop keep going!" He begged but his insistence made a lump form in your throat.

"I...It's...it's nothing." What a weak cover up you thought, but old habits die hard and you were once again metaphorically running away. "I'll...see tomorrow, Boris, have a good night, okay?" You gave him another small smile and a wave and attempted to head back to your spot in the living room...only to be blocked...again.

You couldn't speak at first, your arms pinned to your sides as he kneeled down to adjust his hold on you.

Looking up you saw Boris giving you that same glare he had during his tussle with Petunia. Needles to say, it was more intimidating up close. You took a step back nervously, "Boris, I-I can’t I’m sorry I-

His stern expression didn't change but he reached a hand forward and slowly placed it on your shoulder. Your eyes followed his movement, almost flinching when he made contact. Your skittishness caught his attention and you noticed his expression soften sadly.

Without another word he moved forward, closing the space between you entirely as he wrapped both arms around you tightly.

"It's okay, flower...you do not have to be strong for me."

Your chest tightened and your breath began to hiccup. "Boris, I..."

“I know...I’m just...I’m fine, Boris.” You didn't get a response but he refused to let go when you tried to pull away. His hold loosened as he unpinned your arms, rewrapping his arms around your torso under them and squeezing you a even tighter.

“I mean it, Boris. I’m fine. Really, I promise...I-I’m...

“It is okay....

The next thing you knew you were lifted off the ground and carried over to sit with him on his bed. You were being held the way he would carry you or Kamal when you were asleep. Chest to chest with your arms around his neck.

All the hurt you'd been oppressing up until now finally hit you like a wave and it was all going to come pouring out. You could feel the tears pricking at the corners of your eyes but you couldn't run now. Boris must have noticed that you were trying to hide your face because he placed one of his large hands on the back of your head and pressed your face gently into his chest. That simple act was enough make you finally give in and the sharp intake of breath you took let the both of you know exactly what was about to happen.

You weren't sure what he was saying, but he spoke with such softness it made your heart melt. "шшш, глубокие вдохи..." His hand continued to make quick work of the tensed muscles in you back as he cooed to you. His voice coming out naturally in Russian as if he was completely engrossed in comforting you.

You started to sob. It was shaky and restrained at first but Boris softly worked to rub your back and help you steady your breathing until it turned silent.

"I'll squeeze all the tears out of you if I have to..." His tone was oddly serious but full of warmth. And despite the tears running down your face you let out a small laugh. "У меня есть ты, маленький цветок, все в порядке..."

A few minutes passed and he released you for a moment. A second later something was thrown over you. He had put on his coat and was working to button you into it with him. As soon as he finished he went back to holding you securely, his voice coming out in what sounded like a joking tone, "Теперь ты не можешь убежать!"

Boris seemed to be using every method at his disposal to get you to relax and the warmth and softness that was surrounding you was near euphoric. You were so tired and upset but finally giving into your ‘weakness’, you leaned into him completely, hearing a content hum come from his chest as you began drifting off. "Спокойной ночи, маленький цветок, сладких снов."

Before you got the chance to turn the doorknob the door opened on it's own and Boris almost crashed into you holding a small tray table. It took him a second to regain his composure, almost dropping the contents and quickly fumbling to regain his balance, letting out a sigh of relief when he finally stabilized himself. It took him a second to focus on you but when he did he pouted, "Aww, you are awake already? :-("

You awoke slowly the next morning. Half because of your lingering tiredness and half because of the incredible weight surrounding you. Opening your eyes you were surrounded by darkness with only a small opening above your head to let light in. Scooting yourself up, your head poked through the collar of Boris's coat. You were lying in his bed, wrapped in his coat. under a mound of blankets. He must have brought more in because you were almost positive there weren't this many here last night. The only thing missing was Boris himself.

What time was it? Rubbing the sleep from your eyes you managed to focus on the clock hanging on his wall. Oh, 3:30, okay. Wait, 3:30? You quickly jumped out of bed almost falling out as you struggled to unearth yourself from the excess of blankets and neatly folded Boris's coat to set it at the foot of his bed.

"It's 3pm, Boris. If anything, I'm sorry for sleeping in so long. And I-I'm sorry about last night, you shouldn't have had to-"

"I-

A hand was placed on your head and Boris was looking at you with a soft smile.

"Do you need another squeeze?"

"Wrong answer! It was a rhetorical question!", he was now balancing the tray table in one hand as he leaned down to wrap the other one around your waist, pull you up to his chest and do a little spin before setting you back down when your laughter seemed to satisfy him. "Oh yes! I almost forgot, I brought you breakfast for in bed! It's what they call a 'bed and breakfast'." He looked down at you and frowned a bit, "But you are not in bed anymore so it is just a 'breakfast'. He made air quotes with one hand when he said the work breakfast.

His entire spiel had you laughing, "I'm sorry, Boris, I still appreciate the surprise though. I'm sure it will be just as good if I eat it in the kitchen."

He perked right back up again, "So you'll still eat it, really?!" So that's what this was, he was just hoping to get you to eat something and this was his master plan.

You...you really were feeling so much better. In fact up until now, you'd almost forgotten why you were even here in the first place. There was still some stuff you had to work out but you knew for a fact Boris was dead set on helping you through it. There's no way you could shake him or Kamal off now and while the guilt was still present in your mind, you weren't entirely uncomfortable with that thought. "Of course, Boris, let's go."

"Okay, then we can all eat together! Kamal will be so happy!"

"Wait, Kamal's still here?"

"Yep, he's the one who made breakfast today! Him and I are taking the next couple days off for-" he cut himself off realizing he should think about his next words carefully "-family related matters!" He wasn't even being shy about it anymore and was a little too satisfied with how he had finished that sentence.

"Yeah, okay." You rolled you eyes, "Go ahead and tell him I'm coming. I'm gonna get dressed and I'll be out in a few."

"Okeee! Don't take to long!", he sing-songed, practically skipping out the door.

Kamal had promised that you were going to talk about everything today and you doubted the little chat you had last night would suffice. It was strange, things were already staring to return to normal. Despite your breakdown last night...Boris wasn't treating you any differently. Talking would still be hard, excepting their help would still be hard, but if last night and this morning were any examples of how the next few days were going to go then maybe you could find the courage to work through it.

Finally finished! Sorry, I got so caught up with this one specific prompt, looking forward to finishing up some normal requests! Thank you all again for your participation this was awfully fun to write!

#smile for me #boris habit #kamal bora #dr. habit #reader/flower kid #I wouldn't be against doing a few smaller follow ups to this in the future #But for now pls feel free to send in more requests!#Kamal's pressed up against Boris's bedroom door listening to him comfort you #'Heh good job big guy'

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blindedbythedarkness · 3 years

Text

Josh,

I did it. I'm out. I'm finally done with my degree and away from that fucking university.

Had I not learnt the lessons that I did from your death, there's a good chance it would have finished me off at the end there. The way I was treated as I struggled with my thesis was unbearable and I've rarely felt so hopeless. I suppose it's a very fitting end to my time there. Three times my university experience nearly resulted in my suicide and though I somehow made it through, the marks it left on me will be visible for the rest of my life. I gained a degree, a master's degree in fact, but I lost so much more and yet compared to you, I was lucky.

I'm so relieved to be away from campus. As pretty as it was, it was always tainted by the 6-story grave that most people just knew as the maths building. For the last year or so, the main route around campus was changed to allow for more pedestrian areas, meaning every time I drove to campus I was forced to go right past that building. It didn't make me sad as such, more awoke a very primal hatred that made me want to get away from it as quickly as possible and yell "Fuck off! I hate you! You're disgusting!" (Don't worry Josh, I am aware it's pretty dumb to want a building to fuck off! But Monkey Brain doesn't think like that.)

I think it's kind of like when I was younger and living back in the house that had been flooded. I didn't realise quite how much I feared the rain until we moved away and I loved it again. I don't think I knew just how stifled and haunted I felt by the university campus, until I was away from it for good and realised I could breath again.

How the fuck was I there for four years, Josh? I'm a different person to the C that started there, the C that you met. I never felt like I had the full, typical uni student experience, but that doesn't mean I did nothing at all. Looking back, I did so much! I got drunk for the first time and the last and took care of so many drunk flatmates; I won the flat pool tournament; I joined the pride societies exec only a month after starting, despite not even being out back home. I went on my first date with a girl; met my current boyfriend of three years and started living as authentically me. I tried mixed netball and archery and wheelchair basketball; I auditioned for the university taskmaster; I made the most of the student cinema and even went to two showings of a film in one night (I think we can all agree that The Greatest Showman is...well pretty great). I went to a nightclub and unsurprisingly decided the SU rock nights were more my style; I played more laser quest than I ever did as a kid; I joined the musical theatre society and sang and danced despite my anxiety and atrocious coordination. I very nearly hit a tree after speeding down hills in a trolley; I won the flat screaming competition and I helped turn a flatmates entire bedroom upside-down (including the plug sockets). I tried yoga (it didn't cure me) and plenty of weird foods that I'd never heard of but "really aren't that posh"; I met people from all over the world; I made friends and at one time had an amazing little squad. I finally got to go to Eurovision party and a Halloween party; I stayed up far too late and learnt that I need at least four hours sleep to not drop off during lectures! I learnt that long-distance friendships can work; I learnt how to navigate all over the country on my own and I walked down the street dressed as Frank N Furter, in barely more than a corset and tights, in the middle of February. I power-walked to campus in just a hoodie and pyjamas past a tour of prospective students, only to miss a deadline by three minutes; I worked past my fear of rodents to get the three rat babies I have now. I hid from security in empty rooms late at night; lost so many pub quizzes and I learnt that the people from the Doctor Who society were some of the best company, so when I went to events it was never to watch the show.

I also learnt a lot of life lessons. I learnt that landlords will go to extreme lengths to try to keep your deposit but that they will see no problem leaving you without an oven for a month or without heating for three weeks in Winter. I learnt how to coexist with plants in the vents, black mold covering the ceiling and mushrooms growing out of the carpet. I learnt how to fight to get a deposit back; how to contact the council and to assert my rights as a tenant. I learnt how easily a crash can happen if just one person isn't paying attention; what happens when you ring 999 and that you really do talk total nonsense when in shock. I learnt to trust my gut when I knew I needed to see a doctor; that waiting lists are dangerously long and that you almost never get the healthcare you need without a fight. I learnt how it feels to be helpless and left to deteriorate; that trauma can trigger life-threatening, chronic health problems and that once you are disabled, people think your life has limited worth. I learnt that my university spends painfully little on student mental health support; how doctors deliver bad news and what it's like to lose a friend at 20 years old to suicide. I learnt that how to navigate grief while still taking exams; that spending time with the dead is often a lot more peaceful than with the living and what happens at a funeral. I learnt that when you make a complaint, there is no one else on your side; that the university cares more about its reputation than the actual service it provides and that my existence as a student beyond the fees I paid matters very little to the vast majority of university staff. I learnt that grief changes people and it's true that everyone deals with it differently; I learnt what it's like to see your group of friends fall apart in slow motion and that friends really can break your heart too. I learnt that academics will work you until you're on your knees so long as they get what they want; that sometimes begging for help isn't enough and what happens when you end up in A&E from self harm. I learnt that many people are unaware of how privileged they are; that many people will only care until it costs them something and that good friends are incredibly rare. And honestly? I learnt that life is a real, unfair bitch.

So I guess, after all that, it's no surprise that I'm a different person. I feel like I managed to age ten years, not four. And I mean, I'm glad for some of the life lessons because I know they'll help me later on but I can't help but wish I'd somehow learnt them another way. I don't know, Josh. University wasn't all bad, I met you for a start, but it also hurt me so badly. I'm so glad to be moving on. I wonder what I will learn at my new university; I wonder who I will be four years from now.

Love always, Josh,

#c rambles #mental health awareness #mental health #mental illness #suicide #suicide loss #suicide awareness #suicide prevention #grief #grieving #mourning #bereaved #bereavement #loss #university #university experience #graduation #depressed #depression

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jaejinmoon · 3 years

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⌜ PARK JIMIN, TWENTY FOUR, TRANS MALE ⌝ i just ran into JAEJIN “JJ” MOON in downtown wolvepine! they’ve been living here for EIGHT YEARS and they currently live in PINE PLACE. he is known to be CLEVER and LETHARGIC.

hey guys. aspen here with muse # 2 ! meet jj — or jae, whichever — moon, a 24 y/o writer, cat dad, aaand widower. ( deflated party horn here. ) beneath the cut is his bio, some basic stats, and some hcs. full page coming eventually. checkout my playlist for him though !

♡ ┊ playlist.

trigger warnings: alcoholism, substance abuse, very brief mention of homo/transphobia, death mention, car crashes.

basic stats.

full name — jaejin xavier moon. nicknames — jae, jj, jaej. current age — 24. date of birth — january 8th. ( capricorn. ) gender — trans male. pronouns — he/him only. sexuality — homosexual. occupation — ghost writer, published author ( under many pseudonyms ), professional alcoholic.

biography.

↬ to be known, as far as jaejin is concerned, is more trouble than it’s worth. it started sometime after he realized he had to pick his own name and then convince the world it belongs to him; a feat easier imagined than executed.

↬ at some point, you get tired. and maybe that’s just because he’s always been tired, metaphorically and medically, as it would happen. people saw the name on his documentation and he’d correct them once, but never a second time. ‘ this might as well happen,’ he’d thought then, and he would again, all too often.

↬ per script, jj stays tired. he watches the tides roll in and doesn’t bother to roll his jeans up no matter how sandy, no matter how wet they get. when he’s sixteen years old, he’s told to get out of his parents house shortly after he tells them who jaejin is, and he thinks again, this might as well happen. it’s nothing mikes hard and some xanax can’t melt away tonight on his best friend’s couch, then tomorrow again if he needs it. and he does. obviously. obviously, he needs it.

↬ when he gets on a greyhound bus and travels across the country with a fake i.d, he doesn’t have a plan. jj lands in a place called wolvepine and thinks little of it, because it’s not home, but it’s a good enough contender for it. this might as well happen.

↬ he stays in shelters, registers for school in wolvepine, and finishes his diploma without a roof over his head. he makes friends with the local cats and feeds them what he doesn’t have to keep for himself. he rolls along, because he’s too tired to do anything else. people are cruel, and it’s a struggle enough to get by, but eventually he makes some friends. a friend, actually. avery. just avery. he’s cis and doesn’t really get it at first, but he’s the first person who lets jj get far enough to tell him about it; to tell him about who jaejin is... and avery loves him. jaejin loves him too.

↬ he makes money any way he can, operating for a time after his eighteenth birthday as a sex worker online. this might as well happen, and it might as well get him through college in the few areas that scholarships don’t cover. he isn’t sure if he should consider his intellect a gift, but it’s convenient, that’s for sure. avery offers to pay for college, but jj doesn’t let him; he’s not his burden to bear. ( ‘you’re not a burden.’ ‘ you’re an idiot. keep your money. i love you.’ )

↬ money comes from other avenues eventually, anyways. it starts with him writing papers for others — just a little ‘slide me a 20 and i’ll ghostwrite your thesis' kind of thing. he stopped camming around this time because writing was less effort, something he liked, too; his passion beyond being just his major. he started writing everywhere he went, pages upon pages upon pages in messy little notebooks, and on a whim one day, jj submits a story to a publisher under a pseudonym: taeil.

↬ it’s a hit. jaejin almost doesn’t know what to do with the royalties as they come rolling in, and he definitely doesn’t know what to do with interview requests other than the immediate, polite decline. on another whim, he submits a story to another publisher, under a name, and it does better than the first.

↬ he keeps going. he keeps doing it, completely faceless in his successes and comfortable for the first time in his life. he and avery graduate when they’re both 22, and they move into a house too big for either of them in pine place. they get three cats: sushi, dipdot, and penny. avery works IT and jaejin works from home. there’s a ring, then another. they’re married. they’re happy.

↬ when the tides turn, jaejin meets with anger for the first time. at himself, at every doctor who told him there was nothing wrong with him, and childishly, at avery for dying when they get into a car wreck because jaejin fell asleep at the wheel. after the fact, he’s diagnosed with narcolepsy and he’s told he’s probably had it since he was a teenager, perhaps around sixteen. a lot might’ve well have happened, but — not this. this didn’t have to happen.

↬ that was about a year and a half ago. since then, jj’s begun ghostwriting again for cash he doesn’t need, has published dozens of different books under different names, and he’s up to about seven cats. the house is empty, and he thinks about leaving it every single day, but it’s a thought had drunk on his bathroom floor, and it’s a thought that dies with his consciousness when the fade inevitably comes. he’s back to accepting it — this might as well happen.

headcanons.

↬ while reserved, and maybe standoffish, jae really isn’t a shy or mean person. ↬ his seven cats have their own bedroom, and it’s very well kept. their names are: sushi, dipdot, penny, mufasa, stitch, artemis, & merlin. ↬ he owns just about every squishmallow. none of them are named affectionately. ( close friends may discover this is a lie, but only his favorite get nice names. the rest are stinky, ugly, and variants of the such. ) ↬ he is narcoleptic, and it does effect his day to day life. ↬ he likes singing, but only a little bit. ↬ he doesn’t really have a direction in life anymore, and has more or less become apathetic about it. ↬ he really enjoys swimming, the beach, video games, and photography. ↬ horror is his favorite genre to write, but he’s written everything from romance to fantasy to filth to completely nonfictive works. ↬ he’s a lot lonelier than he lets on, but too prideful to admit it, and too afraid to lose whatever he gains to change that. ↬ if there’s a cat cafe in town, that’s where he is. ↬ he has a pretty serious drinking problem but doesn’t really wanna talk about it, if pressed. the same can be said for what drugs he takes. ( the drugs are prescribed to him, is the trouble; he needs them, he just over-uses. this is pretty much only known to him, however. ) ↬ he has some chronic health conditions as a result of the car accident he was in; primarily, migraines and a bad leg. ↬ his sense of humor is really dry and he can be a little mischievous, sarcastic, and pessimistic but he isn’t a malicious person! i promise he’s very sweet.

#wolvepineintro

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mr--clown · 4 years

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Two heads are better than one

Request: “Can you write Arthur with chronic migraines?”

God, @disabledwarriorwriter thank you very much for your patience!! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. The song is “Ha! Ha! Said the clown” by Manfred Mann; but I had in mind the tune of “Send in the clowns” sksksks Idkw This is pure fluff (and slight angst at the beggining), so I hope I have fulfilled your request the right way, otherwise let me know and I will gladly modify it.

Also, sorry my English is more basic than H2O, I’m still learning. Here you go!

Word count: 1450

Arthur hates to worry you, he always tries to act like everything’s okay and whenever he has a migraine episode, he runs to the bathroom as soon as possible. But sometimes it is impossible for you not to notice…

“This whole thing is ridiculous, Arthur, it’s pathetic. What were you thinking, for God’s sake!?!?”

Arthur remained silent, his headache had been killing him since the morning and Hoyt’s screams made everything worse, even making him want to throw up.

Today, his migraine episodes were stronger than usual, the pain had been so sharp that he couldn’t help but have a fit in the middle of a children’s party, causing all the kids to panic and start crying as well. The result? Angry, creeped out parents yelling at him. Oh, and Hoyt speaking to him as if he was retarded:

“Do you even understand what the fuck I’m saying? I swear I’m wasting my time with your dented brain. Look, I’ll make it simple: I DON’T WANT to put up with this kinda bullshit again, got it?”

Screams and more screams, Arthur grimaced feeling he couldn’t ignore the pain.

“What? Are you going to cry? Pfft, not in my office, get outta here, I don’t have anything else for you.”

But Arthur didn’t move a muscle to leave, he stood there with his head down, stroking his arm to comfort himself.

“What ya waiting for, asshole!?!?”

“My paycheck…” He mumbled as he felt a sudden turn in the stomach, fearing for the answer.

Hoyt just laughed and leaned back in his chair: “You kiddin’, right?”

Art smiled uneasy, stroking his arm non-stop, trying to imagine it was your hand soothing him: “No, it’s just I thought that… uhh… since I worked… since I worked really hard during the week, I thought that…”

“Arthur, Arthur…shut the fuck up, k? You should be thankful I didn’t fire you; now get the hell outta here before I do it, freak.”

“Freak” Ugh, he hated when Hoyt used that word, it made his head rumble with helplessness. And the bouncing of the bus only made it worse.

When he finally came home, he hesitated an eternity in front of the door: “How are you going to explain that Hoyt didn’t pay you? She will find out you’re a loser.” Ugh, if his head didn’t hurt so much, he might think of some not-so-self-humiliating way of telling you.

…

As soon as you heard the door opening, you ran to meet him:

“Arthur!! You’re home early today!!”

“Y/N, I want…I have to-to tell you something important.”

You frowned, a little concerned about the earnestness you noticed in his words.

“Uhmmm, okay…? I hear you, hun. What do you have to tell m–”

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

You chuckled a bit at his “confession” and the weird way he said it.

“You know you can go, love. In the meantime, I’ll serve dinner so try not to take too much time there, okay?”

Arthur nodded his face full of concern and walked towards the bathroom, but the throbbing pain that had been increasing since the morning, reached its limit and made him feel so dizzy that he lost his balance and faded on the floor, legs trembling, holding himself vaguely on the center table.

“ARTHUR!! ARE YOU OKAY?!?”

At your screams, Arthur immediately grabbed his head, feeling his brain bounce off his skull. That’s when you realized what was going on:

“Arthur, please tell me that you DID take the pills for your migraines.” You scolded as you helped him get up and guided him to bed.

Artie started to chuckle while you were taking off his shoes, which made you feel like maybe you were pushing him too hard.

“SoHA.. soHA..soHAHAHArry..HAHAHA..” He couldn’t hold back his thunderous laughter, which just made his head hurt more.

“HOYHAHA..HOYT..HAHACHHG” He was choking on trying to explain, so he brought both hands to his throat, looking desperate.

“Artie, it’s okay love, you have to calm down, don’t talk, breathe with m..”

“MY PAHAY… HE DIHAHAHA…HE DIDN’T..” Despite how unintelligible his sounds were, you understood what your Arthur meant, so you tried to put him to bed and ran for his pill.

When you returned he was curled up in a fetal position, his attack had not stopped, but he drowned it covering his head in the pillows, full of shame.

You approached him and noticed that he was burying his nails in the pillows, you couldn’t even imagine the intensity of the headache he was having.

“Love, take your pill, it will make you feel better.” You insisted, stroking his back softly.

He swallowed it and turned to see you, with fear in each of his gestures:

“I won’t make it through the night, Y/N.” He confessed, sobbing and wiping his tears with his sleeves.

“Art, don’t say that, silly, you’ll be fine…” But you doubted your words a bit, seeing your Arthur like this was killing you too.

…

So, you laid down next to him and hugged his head burning with fever, giving him a thousand kisses that allowed you to smell the fresh and peculiar scent of his mane.

You started to gently brush his hair back with your fingers, while he dipped his head into your stomach as if the heat of your body gave him some kind of relief.

You entwined your fingers between his soft brown locks and brought your lips close to his ear as much as you could to whisper to him in a peaceful tone:

♬♫♬ “Feeling low…” ♬♫♬ Then, you caressed his ear with your fingertips, still feeling him sob against your abdomen.

♬♫♬ “Gotta go, see a show in town..” ♬♫♬ You rub his silk lobe with your thumb and continue, smiling slightly:

♬♫♬ “Hear the jokes, have a smoke, and a laugh at the clown” ♬♫♬

♬♪ “In… a…. whirl..” ♬ He utters in a shaky voice, sniffing, you can feel his warm breath against your navel, even when you have your blouse on.

♬♫ “See a girl with a smile in her eyes, never thought I’d be brought right down” ♬♪

♬♪♭♩ “By her lies” ♬♪♭♩ You sing in chorus and it’s almost as if you can hear him smile, which makes you smile too.

You pause, here comes Arthur’s favorite part:

♬♫♬ “Grab the coat” ♬♫♬ And you slide your hand with some panache through his jacket

♬♫♬ “Grab my hat” ♬♫♬ And you give two gentle taps on his head with your index finger, making him giggle a little bit.

♬♫♬ “Look that girl in the eye” ♬♫♬ You command him and raise his face with your hand under his chin.

He smiles at you and continues excited the song, out of tune with how torn his voice is:

♬♯♬ “Where’s your home, what’s your phone number, *ahem* sorry..” He realized how awful he sounded, so he took refuge in your belly again.

♬♫♬ “Stop fooling ‘round, could have died, she replied..” ♬♫♬

You hug his head again to calm him down and plant a long kiss on his warm scalp, now comes the end and your favorite phrase, so your tone softens even more:

♬♪ “…I’m the wife of the clo–” ♬♪

♬♪ “Carnivaaal..” ♬♪ He whispered with his eyes closed, helping you finish the song according to him, hidden in your arms.

He raised his face only to look you in the eye: his messy hair made him look more tender than usual, his face looked tired but his eyes had a special shine, it was as if they were smiling at you.

“You know, Y/N”

He murmured and paused, admitting it was difficult because despite all the love you showed him, there was always that latent fear in his mind that you would realize how pathetic he is and then leave, like his father, like everybody…

“One day I’ll make you my wife”

He finally sentenced, smiling at you proudly, and immediately afterward buried his face in your stomach, feeling shy and vulnerable.

“Like the clown of the song”

He yawned with full happiness, hugging your legs as if they were his teddy bear and letting his eyes surrender to the tiredness that invaded every part of his fragile, worn-out body.

A tear ran down your cheek, Arthur always found a way to make you fall deeper in love with him, every day. And you, you would sing until he understood that you’re there for him, that his problems are also yours, that he doesn’t have to live his grief in solitude anymore, that you two could overcome everything together, because two heads are better than one.

#arthur fleck #joker #carnival #joker fandom #joker phoenix #joaquin phoenix #am I writing about heads again #sure!#request #arthur fleck x you #arthur fleck x yn #arthur fleck fanfic #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck imagine #joker movie #joker imagine #joker arthur fleck #mr clown

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donnerpartyofone · 4 years

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idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM.

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

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thelightofthingshopedfor · 5 years

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it took me a little while to write anything summarizing the past decade (more impressive than just the previous year) and then I still meant to write something about goals for 2020, and now it’s February and I only just finished writing this post but you know what, that is fine, especially given that I’ve been thinking about some of this stuff for...I don’t know, a while.

so...goals. I don’t think I’ve ever made actual New Year resolutions because I know myself well enough to know I’d be setting myself up for failure, but I’ve usually had some vague goals in mind anyway. and if I focus on specific things, most of it really isn’t new. it’s like…finish more fics (especially short fics). finish more games (especially short games, free games, and walking simulators, double-especially when those categories overlap). get ADHD help. exercise consistently. figure out more stuff to list on Etsy that hits the magic sweet spot of reasonable effort-to-profit ratio (ideally, something I can make a lot of and then just sell, which I was hoping the Pride Cap stuff would be but there hasn’t been a lot of interest). somehow get my room into functional shape, which means organizing but also requires getting rid of a ton of shit so I actually have room for things. finish more personal customizing/craft projects, particularly more Loki figures. do what I can for the 2020 elections, gulp. but also, get enough sleep so I’m not exhausted ALL THE TIME, and try to manage my stress levels better, so basically if I want to do all of this, it boils down to “learn to manage my time perfectly, somehow”.

and like…those are good goals, in theory. I will definitely at least do some of those things. ideally I will do all of them, although that seems kind of unlikely, given that “more” is really not specific enough (but being specific is also hard, because it requires a lot of thought and decisions ahead of time and that’s also stressful…and it means I can concretely fall short, instead of being able to decide “no, actually, I did do enough to qualify for my vague goals so guess what brain, you can shut up”). on one level or another these are all things I want to do, even.

but the thing about a list like this is…well, it’s a list of goals, first of all, not a plan for achieving those goals, and that’s hard for the same reason being more specific is hard. Trying to make plans and concrete goals kind of makes my brain panic, which I hope is part of the whole ADHD thing so maybe I can get help for that, who knows. The bigger thing is that this list of goals isn’t really new, as I mentioned, which indicates I haven’t done too well in recent years at knocking off anything on the list, and it’s also...missing the bigger picture.

I have this idea, right, that if I let myself get away with not doing things I should do, I’ll have no motivation to do the things. in theory that sounds kind of reasonable, but what it means in practice is that when I fuck up, I hate myself for it. I’m a little better about this than I used to be–back in college I distinctly remember that I would berate myself for stuff as small as not finding the closest parking spot, and I recognized how ridiculous that was and mostly managed to stop. but I still do it with the chronic issues I can’t seem to get away from, like always being tired because I never get to bed at a good time, or often being late to appointments, or getting stressed over deadlines because I wait until the last minute to do most of the work, or how my room is a disaster and I hate the fact that I can’t find anything but I don’t know what to do about it because there’s not enough room for everything and I want to keep all of it, or meaning to work out but instead scrolling Tumblr on my phone for a while until it’s so late I just need to go home, or frequently getting charged interest on my credit cards because I don’t stay on top of paying them off, or spending a ton of time re-reading fic or scrolling Tumblr and using up all the time I could’ve spent on things I actually needed or wanted to do, or losing money because I didn’t think of something obvious or slacked off on preventative measures or forgot about a good coupon/deal until after it expired, or missing out on an opportunity because I forgot about it or kept putting it off, or getting awful headaches every weekend because I spend too much time in bed and then too much time just kind of fucking around on the computer or my phone and let myself get dehydrated, or having big plans of actually accomplishing things over the weekend and not doing them for the same reason, or…well, any of the other ways I fall short. and if the specific instance is unusually bad/consequential, or my brain is already bad from something else and I get into a spiral of fixating on all the ways I fall short, I basically just…get stuck on the self-loathing. and even when I recognize I’m doing this and it’s not good, I think part of the reason I have such a hard time breaking out of the spiral is that idea that I can’t just let myself get away with fucking up and failing to do things because how else will I learn to stop?

there’s probably a lot of mess in my upbringing (conservative evangelical/fundie stuff in general, my family specifically, and then the ways all those issues were exacerbated or at least perpetuated by my two years at a private Christian school and four years in a weird leadership track of the Honors program in college) that could be blamed for this, and it’s the sort of thing I’ve unpacked some with therapists and should do so again, assuming I can ever find a long-term therapist lolsob. and again, there’s a kernel of a reasonable idea in there: there are loads of things I don’t necessarily want to do but that are important to do anyway, and other things where the process isn’t necessarily the most fun but the end result is genuinely worth it, so I can’t just...decide that it’s fine if I never do anything. like, for extremely obvious reasons, I can’t decide I’m going to practice self-care by quitting my job and spending every day on the couch playing video games, or that I’m never going to walk my dog unless I feel like it, or that I’m going to stop doing the exercises that might help my neck/head pain in the long term because I dislike them in the short term. equally, I don’t want to quit every game I play the second I get a little frustrated, because then I would literally never finish any of them, including all my favorites; I don’t want to quit writing just because some parts aren’t actively fun; I want to complete more customizing/craft projects even if that process also isn’t always actively fun. and sometimes it’s tough to recognize the difference, when it’s healthy to say “actually I’m not going to push myself on this” and when it’s important to say “yeah, this isn’t fun, but the result is worth it so we’re gonna push it anyway”. it’s often really tough, in fact! probably trying to figure out this difference is something else I need to bring up with a therapist, because obviously I have a very hard time identifying it!

but. but. engaging in what is essentially (mostly subconscious, but still) self-harm by hating myself for fucking up–well, even if we’re looking at it from a solely practical perspective, there’s a big and obvious problem that you may have noticed from the long list of things I keep doing even as I know I shouldn’t:

if punishing myself with self-loathing is a necessary deterrent for various ways of fucking up, but also I keep fucking up in the exact same ways, then obviously it doesn’t fucking work. not only that, it’s actively counter-productive, because when I start hating myself for fucking up, I become incapable of doing pretty much anything—all my energy gets absorbed into the spiral of self-loathing. and honestly I’m probably also teaching my brain to associate these things I need to do with the pain of hating myself for not doing them, which makes my negative response to those things even stronger.

this boils down to something really simple that I’ve been trying to get through my skull: I cannot hate myself into becoming a better person. I shouldn’t, for many reasons, but I also just can’t, as in it literally isn’t possible, and I think I’ve pretty conclusively proven that, based on the fact that...you know...I’m still fucking up in all the exact same ways. so I can’t hate myself into becoming a better person. and that leaves, maybe, trying to forgive myself more, and work with myself instead of focusing on how I should be doing things, and trying not to feel apologetic or guilty for having preferences or not being “good enough” or what the fuck ever.

I want to work on a lot of things, yeah. I’m dissatisfied with a lot of things that are, in theory, within my power to fix, so I would like to do what I can to fix them. but instead of constantly getting down on myself for being slow with everything, for instance, maybe I can say that I tend to be methodical and I like to take my time. (and also for instance, instead of shitting on myself for posting this at the beginning of February, I can just shrug because years are a human construct and it seriously doesn’t matter.) instead of feeling like I should preface anything I say about most of my interests with a disclaimer that I know it’s silly, maybe I can...not do that, and just have hobbies and preferences. instead of hating myself every time I fuck up, maybe I can forgive myself and try again.

so. that’s what I want to try to do more in 2020. apologize less for existing. forgive myself more. maybe get some shit done in the process.

#I don't know what to tag this #brains behaving badly #2020 goals #self harm tw #kind of #adhd #depression

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my-miraculous-headcanons · 5 years

Text

A Different Approach

In which Marinette first approaches Lila very differently, and gets a positive result.

+ Bonus Content, basically an added twist which may or may not explain Marinette’s hatred of lying. Trigger warning for stabbing, because children with pointy objects can hurt themselves. It’s pretty mild. Also, trigger warning for blood mention, although the blood is actually unrelated to the stabbing.

Lastly, trigger warning accidental self-harm. All of these warnings apply to the bonus content only.

Confrontation

• After the first incident where Marinette blew up on Lila, which later caused Volpina, she realised she was going to have to tackle this problem differently. Lila doesn’t seem like the type who likes confrontation, either publicly or privately. But clearly, she does like praise.

• There’s also the fact that Lila must be lying for a reason. What that reason is, Marinette doesn’t know, but Lila does it so often, so chronically, that it’s almost like she needs to. Lila treats it like it’s all she knows.

• When Marinette confronts Lila, it starts off very similarly to the bathroom scene in Chameleon. Lila’s under the impression that Marinette is going to be an enemy, an obstacle. On some level, that true, but Marinette pulls something she truly does not expect.

• Marinette: Lila, if you like telling people what they want to hear so much, then why don’t you try out for theatre?

• It takes Lila a solid moment to realise Marinette wasn’t just messing with her and is being entirely sincere.

• Lila: I— what?

Marinette: I’m not saying I approve of you lying to my friends, but I do acknowledge that you’re really good at acting and telling other people stories. I’m kind of surprised that you haven’t already tried out for it, to be honest? You’d do really well, you have a talent for it.

Lila: I don’t— What— what’s your angle, here?

Marinette: Lila, I’m only trying to give you other options. Lying isn’t always going to get you through life. More often than not, it won’t, actually. But making a career out of something you’re genuinely good at and seem to enjoy? You’ll go far with that. If you want to try out, they’re holding auditions for an upcoming play this coming Friday. It’s an edited version of Sleeping Beauty. If you need any help, you can come visit me and recite some lines. I live above Tom and Sabine’s bakery, they’re my parents. Anyways... That’s all I wanted to say. See you around.

• Lila is left baffled. In all her past schools, she’s been able to organise her classmates into two separate categories. Those who believe and follow her like sheep, and those who see through her lies and oppose her, either verbally or physically. But Marinette was neither of those. She didn’t try to stop Lila, despite knowing that she’s lying and not approving of it— instead, she gave Lila an outlet. Someplace where she can act and play pretend as much as she wants without anyone judging her for it.

• Part of Lila wants to be mad. She’s so used to the feeling, it’s so much easier just to be mad and not think too hard about other people. But there’s just something about Marinette she can’t ignore. Unlike Adrien, Marinette didn’t just sit back or make some passive comments in private about how things are going to end up bad if Lila kept lying. Marinette understood that Lila needed this, and gave her a way to do it without running into a tight spot in the future.

• Lila wants to be mad. Lila wants to hate Marinette. But she can’t.

Influencing One Another

• Lila ends up walking into Tom and Sabine’s bakery the next day. She has the script for the audition in her hands. She’s nervous for some reason, jittery in a way she doesn’t think she’s been in a very long time. Tom and Sabine are kind and smile at her and give her a plate of treats before ushering her upstairs towards Marinette’s bedroom. It’s very warm and friendly.

• Lila wants to hate them almost immediately. She reserves judgement, just this once. Only because Marinette proved herself to be something different.

• Marinette doesn’t do anything to seem smug or knowing when Lila comes up through the trap door. Marinette simply looks away from her sewing project, gives Lila a slightly surprised but happy smile, and tells her to sit on the chaise for moment while she finishes up the next few stitches.

• That day, Lila spends a lot of the time practicing the lines over and over, with Marinette encouraging her and telling her when things sound a little off or shaky. It was... pleasant. Lila comes home that day and for once, doesn’t lie to her mother. She tells her that she’s auditioning for a play, and she was at someone’s house getting help reciting her lines.

• Lila’s hesitant to call Marinette a friend. Friends are a concept she’s particularly cynical about. Marinette’s own supposed best friend was a sheep, after all. A self-proclaimed reporter who didn’t even fact-check, who would have dumped Marinette in favor of the new girl rather quickly.

• She’s surprised to find that she’s very irritated about that. That Marinette’s surrounded by sheep, when the girl herself is not. She’s starting to see Marinette in her own category. A category similar to the one Lila placed herself in, yet also very different. Marinette, like Lila, is not a sheep. Marinette is in control of her own life, everyone adores her on some level, and she is not dumb by any means. She doesn’t follow the crowd. The crowd follows her. Unlike Lila, however, she’s sometimes blind to the nasty parts of the people surrounding her. And that makes it so, so easy for her to get hurt.

• The next few days leading up to Friday, Lila spends more and more time with Marinette. She’s noticing things. Marinette has a crush on Adrien, and it’s not for superficial reasons. Adrien is willfully blind to it. There’s no possible way the boy doesn’t know about it, honestly, he’s clearly just ignoring the knowledge or not even acknowledging the fact as a fact at all. And the fact that he asked Marinette to set him up with another girl— that’s low. Lila doesn’t even want a boy like that as a trophy boyfriend. She doesn’t understand Marinette’s infatuation with that doormat. Sure, the kindness would hook you in at first, but after all the heartbreak, the mixed signals, the willful ignorance, the passive attitude— how is the girl not tired of it?

• There’s other things she noticed. Marinette’s friends treat her blunders and awkwardness like a joke. Sometimes they act like they respect the girl, then other times they’re poking fun at her, rolling their eyes at her, doubting her confidence. It’s almost like she’s treated as the comic relief sometimes. Alya goes back and fourth from encouraging Marinette to confess to Adrien, to rolling her eyes when Marinette finally seems to muster up the confidence to do it. Marinette’s constantly in a perpetual state of nervousness because of it.

• So, Lila decides to repay an act of kindness. Just this once.

• The next time Alya tries to push Marinette to confess, putting the girl in a nerve-wracking situation, Lila comes in close and tells Marinette not to. She tells Marinette that this isn’t a ride or die situation. She tells Marinette that she should be taking this slow, get to know Adrien better, let him get to know her. Marinette calms down and manages to speak to Adrien normally. She’s not freaked out or under pressure of having to straight up confess her feelings.

• Marinette and Lila are changing each other, and for the better. Lila aced the audition and got a part in the play. Marinette is taking Lila’s advice and has managed to calm down somewhat, no longer as anxious as she normally is.

• Lila’s beginning to understand the concept of having a friend. She’s still not entirely happy using that word, but it’s the only one that works. Marinette is a friend. That’s her category. Marinette is someone she can trust. Marinette knows when she needs to do something and gives her options on how to do it without backlash or compromising her personal wellbeing. Lila begins to feel like she’s flourishing.

• Marinette is beginning to pick up on some of the things Lila usually sees every day. Alya is too pushy, sometimes. She never knew it made her uncomfortable so often until Lila pointed out that she didn’t need to confess. And Adrien has no spine. Adrien’s passive, excuses bullies without even understanding the harm they’ve caused just because he wants to believe in the best in people, and lets people use him. Adrien’s also... confusing, and she often feels like she’s being strung along by him.

The Change

• Lila’s become popular. People are absolutely enamored with her acting, her expressions, and her twist to stories. She’s great at improv and is observant of her audience, making it easier for her to spin the perfect dialogue, tone of voice, and expression that she knows would capture their hearts. She often goes off script but always hits the important parts, and never strays from the general story and setting. The writers can sometimes get frustrated with her, but they also have an easier time writing her lines because as long as she has the important lines and the general idea of where the conversation will go, she’ll always nail it. She’s also really great at playing off mistakes and mishaps onstage as things that were supposed to happen.

• Marinette’s become more outspoken about things that bother her. She tells Alya to stop trying to wingman. Alya is offended at first, but Marinette explains that all the pushing only makes her much too anxious, and she’s not incapable of working through her crush on her own. (Marinette is a little offended that Alya thinks that of her. That she’s such a mess on her own that she needs help.)

• Lila’s stopped lying. She doesn’t really want the attention of her classmates anymore. She has Marinette, and a whole host of fans who adore her acting. Her mother has always managed to get a seat in the first row at each first showing of Lila’s performances. Marinette has tried to be at almost all of her performances, although sometimes she’s not able to make it, or she’s pulled aside from the audience to help fix a wardrobe malfunction.

• Marinette’s optimism is challenged by Lila’s cynicism, and vice versa. In another world, this would have made them enemies. In this world, it makes them a force to be reckoned with. Lila picks up on the faults and behaviors of people quickly, and Marinette is accepting of faults and can find solutions to help people who need it. They’re only young teenagers now, but given some years, they’d perfect their methods and be virtually unstoppable.

• Marinette has let Lila get away with some of the lies she said in the past, mostly because Lila has changed now, and if she went along admitting to some of her lies, it could quite possibly ruin her life. For example, if the principal were to find out Lila was simply skipping school for those months, that would be a major black mark on her record. She could be expelled. Her mother would be called, wouldn’t want to listen to a word Lila would have to say, and their relationship would be strained for possibly years to come. Lila’s already changing for the better. Lila’s already correcting her faults.

• Lila does go about admitting to some of her lies, though, and apologising. While she may not see the rest of the classmates in a particularly positive light, she sees why Marinette still hangs out with them. While they’re easily fooled and go along with the masses, people are still complicated and not one-dimensional beings. She shouldn’t have organised them into so few categories. Each person is unique in their own way and similar in other aspects, and it was wrong of her to see them all as other. She had a Me vs. The World mentality, but now she sees her fault in that.

• Her classmates are understandably cold and upset, but Marinette is there to settle them down. She reminds them that Lila admitting to her lies was something to be proud of, that Lila was changing and trying correct her wrongs, and they shouldn’t attack her in her attempt to do better. They can be upset that she lied, there’s nothing wrong in being upset that someone lied to you, but don’t brush off her current attempts. Let Lila try. Give her a chance now that’s she’s trying.

• The class keeps their distance for some time, wary of Lila and her seemingly totally new personality. Lila’s not faking anymore. She’s clearly cynical, and although she’s apologised, she’s made no attempt at befriending anyone. Gradually, though, when it’s clear she’s not going to go antagonise anyone or start anything, they begin to relax around her. Some people even ask her advice for things, approach her, because they’ve seen how she’s like with Marinette.

• Lila begins to see just how complicated individuals are. She’s beginning to accept it. Rose is even more optimistic than Marinette, ridiculously trusting and forgiving, and while Lila would see that as being vulnerable, Rose makes her think that maybe it’s more about enjoying life however you can. Lila can accept and appreciate that. Max is complicated in that he’s intelligent to the point of being called a genius, but is not as smart socially as he is academically, which is why he tends to follows others in that area. Which makes sense. She can understand why he’d try to learn that way.

• Before, Lila’s used her observational skills for picking out what people would accept easily. Now, she’s using them to dig deeper and to push herself and others to greater heights. Before, Marinette was anxious and took however her friends treated her regardless if it made her uncomfortable or not. Now, she sees that her friends have faults, accepts them, and voices her opinions and advice.

• It’s not long before Lila and Marinette become the class’ go-to people when they think they’ve done something wrong and need an outside perspective on what they did and how they need to improve. Lila observes, and Marinette offers advice.

+ Bonus Content

I reiterate, tw stabbing, tw accidental self-harm, tw blood mention

• Lila begins to realise that, while Marinette had taken a breather and was able to help Lila with her situation, Marinette does have a deep-seeded hatred for lies. Which makes it more baffling as to why Marinette wanted to help her, and how Marinette somehow knew that Lila needed to be able to tell her stories.

• When she asks Marinette about this, she’s pretty surprised by her answer.

• Marinette: I used to be a pathological liar, when I was a kid.

• Lila’s left to wonder how Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the girl who hates lies with a passion, could possibly have been a pathological liar. She struggles with the idea. She’s left to wonder what had changed. Talking with other classmates brought a clearer image in her head.

• Kim: Marinette used to lie about a lot of things. I don’t really blame her, she always had a lot of trouble making friends. Sometimes they were big lies, other times they were smaller ones. Like, one time she told everyone she was a secret agent, I think? Then other times she’d say things like she cooked breakfast for her parents, or she made the macarons she brought to class.

Lila: What changed?

Kim: One of her lies I think got way too out of hand, heh. She said she couldn’t feel any pain in her left hand, and did really well in following through with that one. I pinched her on the top of her hand so hard it started bleeding, and she didn’t even flinch. She really wanted to prove it for some reason. It kind of escalated, and I wasn’t there for the rest of it, but something bad enough happened that she ended up going to the hospital.

Nino: Oh, I was sorta there. Yeah, Marinette got her hands on a pair of scissors the teacher had in her desk, I don’t know how, and really hurt herself. Somehow missed her hand and ended up stabbing herself, I guess. Didn’t come back to school for weeks.

• The image is getting clearer, but not by much. Maybe when Marinette’s parents caught her lying tendencies, something happened? Not wanting to dig too much, she went back to Marinette and asked directly instead.

• Marinette: I didn’t miss my hand. I wasn’t actively trying to prove my hand was pain-resistant, I just... stabbed myself in the leg.

Lila: You what?!

Marinette: I wasn’t really thinking. I didn’t actually enjoy lying. It made me feel guilty, and I got so angry at myself I just did it without even realising, and got super freaked out when I saw what I did. I was a seven year old who lied so often just to make friends, and no matter how many friends I got, it felt like nothing I said was enough. I was constantly terrified that if they knew, they wouldn’t like me anymore. I was really desperate for people to pay attention to me, but I also didn’t like the attention I got. I went to therapy for a while, but my therapist wasn’t exactly the best. I mostly ended up figuring out my problems on my own as time went on.

Lila: And... what did you figure out?

Marinette: Lying was a learned behavior. I got it from my mom, actually. She sometimes told me to lie to some of her friends, like when she didn’t want to go out, or didn’t want to tell them the real reason why she’s busy. So if her friends asked, I would tell them my mom was busy working on a big order, or she was in the bath, or she’s having a date night with papa. She just wanted alone time. My mom would sometimes get upset if I said the wrong thing, and she was never mean about it, didn’t scold me or anything, but I didn’t like that I disappointed her. So I decided to just... get better.

Lila: Oh.

Marinette: Yeah. Eventually it wasn’t about my mom anymore. I didn’t have any friends, so I was lonely pretty often, but then when I started lying about small things to start a conversation, something that would catch their interest, I started getting attention. People started liking me when I started being fake. And I may have been pretty young, but I understood on some level. Other kids didn’t like me when I’m Marinette. They liked me when I told them I was someone else. I wanted to be Marinette, but I also wanted to have friends. It was getting overwhelming.

Lila: How did you get from the hand lie to accidentally hurting yourself?

Marinette: I didn’t grab the scissors for my hand, but my parents and my therapist didn’t really believe that when I told them. Around that time I was already interested in fashion design, and I wanted the scissors because I think I had this idea in my head that... uh, that involved the classroom curtains? But I ended up thinking. There was blood on my hand that only got there because I decided to tell another stupid lie, and I was probably going to have to lie about it when I got home, and I was going to lie about what happened to the curtains, and I just kept thinking about all the lies I was going to have to tell, and I started crying, I flailed my hands, and then suddenly there was a pair of scissors stuck in my leg.

Lila: Ouch.

Marinette: Yeah... I was a kid who didn’t really know what to do. I started taking my frustration out by creating more than usual, just kept designing more and more clothing. Didn’t stop. I went back to being pretty anti-social, and I was generally left alone for a while. I still really wanted friends though, so I tried other methods, but generally... While I got on friendly terms with everyone, nobody was really my friend, you know? Until Alya showed up. Things have gone a lot more smoothly since then. I’ve been more confident, more responsible, and I have actual accomplishments to my name.

Lila: So, you hate lying because...?

Marinette: Because it reminds me of how I used to be, and how harmful it is to yourself and the people around you. I really hate how past me was like.

Lila: You were only a kid.

Marinette: I’m still a kid. And it’s really hard not to remember parts of your childhood that was just really bad. I know I have a lot of good memories, but when I think about myself at age seven, all I can think about it how constantly guilty and afraid I was. No matter how hard I try, any good memory from back then is totally overshadowed by the lying.

Lila: Why are you clinging to it so much? You’re better than that, now. You don’t lie for attention, and you don’t need to.

Marinette: I still lie sometimes, though.

Lila: So what? People lie every day, lies don’t automatically make you a horrible person. Listen, have you ever lied since then just for the heck of it? Have you lied for any malicious reasons? Have you lied to trick people into doing bad things?

Marinette: No!

Lila: Then what are you getting so hung up about?

Marinette: I...

Lila: Sometimes people lie because they have to, or because they want a little kid to behave, or because they’re scared, or lonely, or whatever. Doesn’t mean they’re horrible. Even people who lie for bad reasons can have good in them. I lied for praise and attention from people I didn’t even like, but you gave me a chance to be better and I took it, didn’t I? I mean, my problems aren’t gone. Liking and trusting people is going to be difficult for me. I’m going to be judgmental, moody, and maybe harsh sometimes. But I’m not a horrible human being. Things aren’t as black and white as that. And you know that, don’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t have given me a chance.

Marinette:.... Thanks, Lila.

Lila: Don’t thank me for pulling your head out of your ass, I’m just doing my job.

Marinette: Hey!

Lila: You hated a seven year old so much that you took it out on the very concept of lying! I don’t care if that seven year old was you!

Aaaand that’s the end. *wipes brow* Whew, that was long and drawn out.

I don’t find this perfect but I did the best I could. I’m probably gonna be iffy on this no matter how I wrote it, though, so whatever. At least it’s done.

You guys can do whatever you wish with this, add your own hcs, stories, etc, doesn’t matter. My blog is meant for everyone to take creative inspiration from.

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