#my class schedule sucks and for what
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head hurts i dislike wednesdays
#and fridays#my class schedule sucks and for what#its not that bad im just being dramatic#but im scheduling courses for next year soon and it looks like theyre going to be at the same times
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me n the girls really do be doing anything except drawing
#lmao i have a maruca wip thats made almost negative progress the last 2 days#and that is. about it.#whenever i have free time i simply choose to read or sleep.#school has been sucking the life out of me#most week days my schedule is school. watch old episodes of bb australia. sleep.#does not help that school ends at 4 and i usually get home at 5#like girl that is the entire day gone what happened to elementary school when i was getting out at like. 2.#do u think i can draw in these circumstances#wait actually! i have technically been doing art.#making a kids book for a childs lit class rn <3 its a remake of a book i made in 5th grade about a turtle named bob#putting my lifeblood into that project
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i'm going to explode im going to explode im going to explode
#my post#successfully didn't cry on my zoom call with my advisors for my senior project for little clear reason other than general stress#like i know that the reason why you have to do a big mostly independent project is so that you get good at handling them but aaaaaaaaaaaaaa#nothing's happened. im already behind. i should try to get ahead? my timeline kinda sucks. I haven't started the literature review.#i know my want of having a project that's like... fun. was impossible but. hell on earth (has barely even started)#i'm starting to think more and more i'm not actually cut out for science. maybe i just like science communication lmao.#i know that's an overreaction but my work ethic is fucking shit for the fact i've been an honors student since... what like 1st grade?#i like learning i just hate the work that's supposed to come with it. i want my cake and i want to eat it too.#so the idea of fucking self monitoring my work. i'll probably be fine but i have to pre-emptively freak out and cry about it so.#guess if we get the crying about it done now then i'll have more time in my schedule for the insane bullshit I will be pulling later.#a normal semester (the heavier semester of the senior project and research again probably#and being the lead undergrad TA for one of the most insane classes i've heard of (it's 4 credits in a quarter) and 3 classes#(tho one is a freebie and the other shouldn't be Too much. the last one probably Will be a lot.)#time to go slam more video essays into my brain i suppose
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Imso tired man. I'm so tired. Why do I work this hard I am so FUCKING over this shit
#this other bitch out here like haha woopsie i forgot to clock out for lunch even though ive been out for two hours :)#guess ill leave early today! heehee#YOU DONT DO ANYTHING. YOU FUCKED ME OVER YET AGAIN#i am SO FUCKING SICK of this shit. why do I have to be the one to suffer#why do i have to be the person who doesnt get a say in fuck all even though im doing THE MOST WORK#and then i have to sit here and act like she fucking knows what shes talking about wrt animals#IM THE ANIMAL KEEPER. I KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS DEPARTMENT BETTER THAN YOU#Im going crazy fucking insane right now#my coworker is out sick so ive had to do shit scheduled for three people. me. One person#and then im told shit like its just one class! ITS NOT#i have to break them up into two because its too big of a group#then i say ok we are doing reptiles over here#and shes like oh ummmm someone has it reserved for this time so can you do it in [place that is extremely loud]#and im like yeah ok fucking sure FINE#and then we get there and someone else is like ummmm we were told to est here for lunch by [her name]#and i radio her like UMMMM??????????#and shes like Oh woopsie i did tell them! you can do it at ummmm [3rd place]#im like yeah thanks for fucking wltting me know#Sorry im sorry thus is so extreme and petty but im like DROP DEAD#youve made my work life hell when it doesnt have to be because YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB#FUCK!!!!!#YOU get to have a social life becaus you do whatever the FUCK YOU WANT#YOU get paid way more than me to do FUCK ALL#YOU dont have 30+ living beings depending on you every day#shut the fuck UP#I am so mad that i work so fucking hard and it doesnt fucking matter#so yeah sorry for starry spam but i think hes nice and right now the only thing keeping me from fucking losing it at work#along with a 1 min video of kookaburras im plahing over and over
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TFW you are questioning your future because how much you fucking hate school and the workload associated with it
#just university things 🤪#the only reason why I’m sticking to full time schedule is becuase of scholarships#that way I don’t have I pay for school#but god I want to drop to part time student so fucking bad#vent#rant#I’m doing good at least 8 hrs of hw every day#oh yes also work on top of that#just fuck me I guess#this is such a poor me issue I’m sorry#like wow I’m forced to attend university full time so I get to do classes for free poor me#I am just having such a hard time balancing my work load#I don’t even like business why tf am I getting a bachelors in it#I know why it’s becuase im already now 3 years invested into it and I get to do it with no cost to me#do I really want to be stuck in some soul sucking corporate job rest of my life?#is this my career?#what the fuck am I doing with my life#I don’t know anymore#I’m jdut trying to make it day by day#try not be crushed by overwhelming sadness of our current reality I guess#AGHHHH
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Me currently rereading all of touch starved so I can mentally prepare for the horrors—
As you should
#I’ll probably finish writing it this week#if not for school it’d be done today#I’m honestly thinking abt trying to stay home just to finish this since all my classes rn r kinda useless#like Ik everything in lit#bio rant gonna be useful in the real world and the teacher kinda sucks#I finished everything in engineering (a class that I didn’t wanna take in the first place… my schedule got messed up)#and Latin kinda suck rn cuz if the ppl in it#but Ik I can’t convince my mom to let me stay home just to write so yknow#fuck school#rick and morty#morty smith#evil morty#rick sanchez#idk what else to tag
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I fuckin hate warm water
#blog#is this even worth tagging with blog#honestly I might just have to add more#im just bored rn in class tbh#sucks tho bc we have to study a chapter and a half of discrete math in 2 lectures now bc the schedule got pushed back#but hey it was worth all of the breaks we got this semester yho#i haven't watched op in forever huh#or much of anything tbh#i was supposed to watch a movie for class today#i ended up just doing a 16 star run of sm64#didnt matter tho bc I fuckin overslept the class#i really gotta figure out what's happening with that tbh#I might be sleeping with my phone too close#but if I don't listen to anything when falling asleep I can't sleep#but also if I use my earbuds my ears get blocked over time#aaaaand I have a roommate so I can't blast it ou#woe is me#maybe I should also fix my sleep#at least I didn't sleep thru my exam yesterday#oh that algorithms exam was a lot easier than I expected#still expecting a 60 tho ngl#as long as I get above average we will be chillin#(most of my classes are relative grading)#god I just realized my arms are sore#from blj#i can't believe that really fucked me up#i was trying it for like an hour and a half lmao#also funny thing#most of my classes just don't care about the fact that I just wear an earbud in middle of the lecture#even the smaller classes
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I honestly think I'm gonna end up skipping my class on Friday to watch quali.....
#i feel bad cause i already skipped this class this wk-#but like its a 5-day-a-week class so i dont feel too bad#but having one short class on a friday...its inevitable i end up skipping it#AND ITS QUALI I CANT MISS QUALI 😭#but it sucks bcs i really like this prof and i really like my classmates but#i have two profs and the one that teaches on fridays uhhhhh#like no offense shes nice and i love her but she is not great at teaching 😭#and id rather watch quali and the interviews than end up not really learning anything#so yeah we'll see but#this is why i hate sprint wknds why are you putting it on a day that is bound to have schedule conflicts for most people#i asked her today like '....what are we doing on friday...?' and she said review so im 👀#catie.rambling.txt
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:/
#tbh thinking abt the fact that according to my schedule mapping from like a year ago it’s not too late to switch to a double eng/french#major and still graduate in 4 yrs#personal#made it as a contingency plan in the case of robotics being my breaking point. which it wasn’t that class gave me hell but im glad i took it#i learned a Ton and think it was worth it in the end even if my team sucked most of the time. but physics is Testing Me#on the other hand tho i will not need mechanical physics at all for what i want to go into as far as i know. so maybe i should stick#through it idk#i mean ive enjoyed everything actually relevant to the field i want to enter so far. but fr i don’t even know if i’ll pass this class in#which case i will have no choice but to switch programs 😭#<- not bc it’s failing a class in the program but bc it’s failing This Particular Class. if i don’t pass it i’ll have to add a whole#other year and it’s already a 5 yr program like i am not doing that.#the engineering chronicles#wait to clarify eng is english in this scenario not engineering agdjf
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i have to do something today other than play legends arceus for 12 hours straight again
#it’s the middle of the semester i have work to do#tests to study for projects to work on#advisor meetings to schedule and attend…#so that i can sign up for courses next semester…#but then i want to switch my major but that’s such an ordeal idk how tough the process will be#and i can only hope i’ll actually like the major i switch into (communication)#they always say it’s ok to go to college even if you don’t know what you wanna do yet and you have plenty of time#but i’m starting to think that’s not smart and i should really get on that ASAP#but like if it takes a while to process the major switch then#see advisor meetings start tomorrow (you literally have to attend one to be able to register for courses next semester)#but switching my major means switching my advisor#so is it a bad idea to try switching advisors when we’re supposed to be meeting with them#basically will i have a wide enough window for all this#pain and suffering#once again this is just me writing out my problems and responsibilities in words so i feel more capable of handling them#peach rambles#and this isn’t even covering the whole language requirement thing and i have to take a language placement test#they literally won’t let me just sign up for the easier class they are forcing me to take a test before i can sign up for anything#but the test is a timed speaking test where i have to listen to something and respond like it’s a real conversation and record myself and#yeah this sucks i don’t wanna do it idk how hard it’ll be…
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girl help I’m experiencing that common yet elusive late night motivation to get my life together knowing it will fall apart in the morning </3 girl fucking help me
#I hate ittt#I’m always like ‘I’m gonna start doing this’ or ‘I’m gonna finally try and get myself in a place where I can maybe take college classes’#and ‘I’m really gonna try and fix my sleep schedule and stop getting distracted instead of getting something accomplished’#and then in the morning evil me is back and they hate me and everything else#and would sell the world to hell for five more minutes of sleep#and my executive dysfunction has its claws in me again#man it sucks being so behind. I don’t want to like complain and make it sound like I’m worthless bc I’m not but man it’s hard#it’s hard watching ppl younger than you achieve your dreams of learning and getting better and breaking through that mental fog#they’re not always much younger either just like. two years is enough to make me wonder what would have happened if I was there#I know it’s not all in my control why I’m here either— there’s a lot of factors at play#but one of them IS that growing up I couldn’t never beat that executive dysfunction plus mental fog and procrastination#and then I shot myself in the foot by saying I waited to long and shouldn’t even try#and now I’m realizing I could but the years I spent fighting with myself weigh me down now and then#I can’t let it get to me because if I let myself get weighed down by it all I pull others down with me#but sometimes it does make me sad. and frustrated. when I feel this motivation when im lying in bed tired at some ungodly hour#suddenly struck with wanting to change my life and not having the daylight nor the physical/mental ability to get it done right then#not to mention the privacy. if I chose to get up at the buttcheeks of midnight and morning I would be not only destroying my own schedule#but disturbing a bunch of others too#anyway this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant sorry#I haven’t talked a lot lately so it’s all bubbling inside I guess
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i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.
#delete later#vent in tags#anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s#given that i. almost never cry :)#i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming#at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.)#im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real#desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man#sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it.#college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact#that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed#i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents#whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but...#stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work...#so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away#because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing?#no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class#entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless#i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more#than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it.#ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...
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T-T
#personal#vent ig whatever#it’s just. goddddd#i thought i was getting better or whatever. and i know this was a harder course because i Couldnt take the recommended courses beforehand#because of the way the dumb scheduling is and i couldnt really take much elae#and i really did find the class interesting too. im just fuckshit at memorization#goddd and i accidentally missed some assignment things because chronic exhaustion#but the fact that i was like. i’m getting better!! im gonna do well finally and bump up my gpa-#only to find out i got a D in this course? god. i mean. idk what i was expecting#i can just feel the impending crash and it sucks#well. not as hard as it used to go which is probably a good thing but on god. i canNot tell my mom or she will start guilting me really bad#and That’s when i’ll probably relapse. into. idk a bad depression cycle again#fuuuuuuck and my mood had just . started being like what it once was#half a decade ago or more tbh. jesus
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i’ve seen enough rug cleaning videos to know what i’m talking about so i can say this knowledgeably. at what point is it like. not worth it. at what point are you just wasting water and your time and my time. at what point do you accept that the rug is never going to be completely clean. i hate it when they pull out like. a shower rug that’s just plain blue and they go over it like five times with the soap machine thingy and they hose it down ten times and there’s always more dirt because idk they pulled this out of a dump for tiktok views and it’s like. give it up bro no one likes this no one cares about that rug not you not the people that threw it out not the person that’s going to buy it from whatever thrift store you donate it to once you’ve filmed your video. certainly your viewers don’t like these tiny boring ass rugs. like wow the original color is beige. groundbreaking. you’re making these videos for hate views and we all know it just leave the rugs in the garbage oh my god. do better. sorry that your rug cleaning business needs to be financially supported with youtube and tiktok money but this isn’t the way…
#ok i need to go to sleep. also need to email my professor that this thing is gonna be turned in late because girl i did not type anything.#why is the deadline 8pm on a saturday anyway. girl i’ve got stuff to do#it’s whatever she seems chill as long as you get it in by sunday#also. i’ve done every other assignment for this woman on time and showed up to every class. so like. come on#and i have two classes with her. and i have done everything for both i have never missed a class i have never turned anything in late to her#she like. legally can’t be a dick about this right#also not to be a bitch but my second draft is going to be better than kevin’s. (her favorite). so.#have i complained about kevin here. his screenplay is not good. i hate it. i mean it’s good in the way that it’s not bad. but i hate it#it’s like a terrible la la land imitation and his protagonist fucking sucks#he wants me to think the protagonist is like passionate about his dream but everything he does comes off as like. he doesn’t have what it#takes and he’s pretending not to know it. because like he doesn’t have another plan outside of things just Working Out#he’s so average white guy its unreal. well. kevin is also an average white guy so.#but he’s our professor’s favorite little average white guy. apparently#like he seems like he should be better at this stuff and it really bothers me that his screenplay is so bad. man you actually make movies#you should be good at this? why aren’t you good at this? why is this an annoying la la land imitation?? what are you DOING#its masturbatory is what it is. actually. like i can’t SAY that to him in class but i’ve been thinking it the whole time. sorry man.#beth.txt#anyway. goodnight laptop goodnight unfinished work goodnight email i’m about to schedule for tomorrow at 12:27.
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When u have so little free time already and what little free time you Do have is ruined bc someone isn't coming in so you are going to be staying an hour later :') :') :')
#speculation nation#so basically what my schedule today has been like is like#12-1 ish (let out early) class (i am here)#1:30-2:45. class. 3:30-7:30 (instead of 6:30) work.#8-9 ish. work meeting! and 9-12. dnd.#and then i have to go to bed Immediately bc i have pt in the morning and then i will be going to work Immediately after that#i legit am not going to have Any free time until like 6 pm tomorrow. i barely even know when im gonna have time to Eat#this fucking sucks lmao. hating the fact that i chose to be responsible today.
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how the fuck are ppl having actual social lives with this amount of courseload. i lose all my hobbies during the semester bc i don't have time for anything besides schoolwork but there are ppl out there hanging out with friends every day and having parties on the weekend. how.
#like. i knew my executive dysfunction was pretty bad but I've never realized just how disabling my disability was until now lol#my schedule has just been school homework and sleep with no time for hobbies and I'm still barely keeping up#also the lack of sleep has been fucking me up and i can't even concentrate in class anymore even with my meds#it's only the third week of the semester now and im so fucking exhausted#i was exhausted last semester and the semester before that too and i didn't even get to rest during the breaks#idk i can't even think abt what to do to improve this i just wanna kill myself so i don't have to deal with anything ever again#godddd it really has been years since I've been low like this huh lol#ngl i think it was easier back when i knew i was gonna die. like it sucked absolute ass but i also didn't have to do anything#now i gotta fucking. make my mind up or actually Do Shit so i don't end up getting kicked out#urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ykw i think this is the perfect time to start a drug addiction#i just want some teeny little positive emotion or motivation i can use to kickstart my executive function and start actually doing shit#rn i don't even have the energy to actually kill myself either which is just. the fucking worst.#mine#vent#nightblogging#suicide tw
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