#my dad refused help

[spicyet]

What are you looking for here? Scroll back up.

Just kidding, here’s a treat:

[bluebird-ascended]

your honor he did that shit. however he bought his bird a mini of his coat so they could matchhhhh

[froody]

my dad just texted me today in the middle of my little breakdown (in all fairness he didn’t know I was struggling) and was like “I think I have generalized anxiety disorder.” (I as in him, not me.) like……brother you sure weren’t anxious about cheating on your wife with multiple women. not the slightest display of nervousness, guilt or regret about that one.

[boatemboys]

uuuhhghhh that picky eater post is making me think about stuff again. no making me sit at the table for hours until i finished didnt make me not picky it just made me want to kill myself over eating

[littlefankingdom]

From the DC Vault: Death in the Family: Robin lives!

I'M SCREAMING! Bruce reveals his Batman's secret to Jason's therapist so she can better help him. She didn't ask for this, Jason didn't ask for this, Bruce made the decision on his own. He's risking his secret to help his son, I'M SCREAMING.

Every decision Bruce makes in this story comes from love, the love he holds for his sons.

[winchester27]

I slept for ONE DAY and I come back to a literal hell fire of crushed Buddie hopes and whatever the fuck was said at the TCA 😭

SOMEONE FILL ME IN

[pathologising]

sorry but I could never look at my own kids and be like "you owe ME" like I think if you do that you're a shitty parent

[wilds-ponytail]

working in retail really sucks sometimes can you imagine how much happier i’d be if i could tell a customer ‘merry christmas you illiterate bastard, i hope you get hit by a plane’

[vulpiximisa]

an assortment of daichi and tsukki moments/scenes because I care them 😌

[qumiiiquinnquin]

this family very much does not understand mental health, but i cant talk to them to educate and be able to talk to them about what is wrong, without them always getting frustrated at me or demanding an answer as to what i want them to do. i often get shot down or my answer isn't good enough for them. they've accused me of using anxiety and depression as excuses to act shitty, which is not true. ive explained my problems to my sibling numerous times only for them to snap back at me and they refuse to read what i wrote. every time, it is up to me to apologize for displaying symptoms, though i cant phrase it like that, but rather apologize for "how i acted." my dad does not want me to say i have anxiety and depression because self-diagnosis is bad. he has yelled at me and been physical with me during multiple depressive episodes or anxiety attacks.

i cannot say i was abused or have trauma either. just, people werent very great, thats all i can say, but i cant talk about those that hurt me too much because "they're family" and "they loved you." my mom did not care about my sa story, responding to it with "that happens" and moved on to talk about her own trauma. i hadn't told anyone but her in my family about the incident and i do not want to. in 2021 she stopped me from talking to her about the abuse from my nana because "its not nice to talk about people behind their backs." even though my dad has since apologized and stopped when i was 12, my dad's yelling and spanking since we were little made me nervous to accidentally set him off. i dont know if im wrong to feel that way about spanking, but he intentionally would do it very hard and my sibling and i would feel pain for several hours or longer. but since he feels guilty about it, we aren't allowed to call it abuse and i cannot say it caused me trauma. this same situation gets applied with my stepdad who has yelled at us for numerous things. and, of course there is what my nana and "aunt" have done.

apparently, this same lack of understanding and ignorance of mental health was present when my parents were still married, where my dad did not know much about bipolar disorder, which my mom has, but would not listen to my mom or try to understand.

my grandma seems to be the only person i can talk to and actually understands and cares about mental health.

i want to be able to tell my family whats going on. they're my family. i do not want to separate from them both physically and emotionally. i genuinely feel at a loss.

[sage-nebula]

I've decided to make my own post because I am not an idiot, but full disclosure that this post is 50% based on thoughts I was having while I was driving home from the auto repair shop yesterday and 50% a response to a post I saw just now that conflated "redemption arcs" (things fictional characters go through in fictional stories) with "community support" (things real life people offer to other real life people in real life) and how this relates to "fixing people" (making someone who mistreats or abuses themself or others not mistreat or abuse themself or others anymore).

Read my words very carefully.

In fiction, it is more than okay to like whatever type of toxic or fantastical relationship you want. If you like to read stories about toxic, codependent people who are absolutely horrible to one another and will never, ever change, you read those stories. If you like to read stories about a tortured man who just needs The Right Person to teach him to be better, and then he is, sometimes exclusively only to them though, then you read those stories. Sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and fails spectacularly, and sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and succeeds spectacularly, and either way, you read whatever stories you want, whatever makes you happy, I'm sure it's somewhere in this vast Archive that we call Our Own.

However, in real life?

First of all, "arcs" aren't things real life people have. An arc is something that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Real life people don't have those, because our stories don't end until we die. Unlike a character, whose life presumably continues even after their story ends (except in circumstances where they die at the end but you know what I mean), we have to keep living day by day, with all the rises and falls that come with it. Now, this does not mean that a person cannot change, or that a person can't get better and learn from their mistakes; but it DOES mean that we can't have a "redemption arc" where we complete a checklist of story beats and then suddenly we're a better person who has experienced the necessary growth to be forgiven. First off, no amount of growth or change ever requires any victims to forgive. And second, that's just not how life works. That's not how change works. Change and growth are baby steps taken each day, and sometimes you go backwards, and you get angry with yourself, but then you pick yourself up and you try again the next day, and the next, and the next. It's an ongoing journey that does not end until you die. That's life.

But second and more importantly, the real idea that I think the original post was trying to get at, but missing the mark on was . . . okay.

So, the original OP of the post (and the person who replied to OP) got angry at the idea that the strawman they had invented (the person who had theoretically said "you can't fix him!") would deny support to someone who needs that help to grow and change as a person. The person who had replied in support of OP added that the strawman clearly believed in punitive justice over rehabilitative justice as well. On the surface, I can see where they are coming from. After all, on the whole humans are a social species and do need support networks in order to not only thrive, but survive. People such as drug addicts need support and assistance in order to get into better places in their lives, and the prison system has been proven to be far less effective at preventing repeated offenses than rehabilitative programs. This is all true.

However.

The reason why "you can't fix them" is still true, and needs to be said and understood particularly by those who are susceptible to falling into abusive relationships (e.g. people who have been abused before, particularly in childhood or adolescence) is because of free will. Specifically, the free will that each of us has, but specifically the other person. Person A can want so, so, so badly to "fix" Person B so that they stop being an abusive alcoholic 75% of the time. But if Person B doesn't actually want to stop being an abusive alcoholic (even if they say they do during the 25% of the time they aren't smacking Person A around), and refuses to put in the work that it takes to become sober and be a better person, then guess what? Nothing Person A does will ever make them be a sober, non-abusive partner. They will be unable to fix Person B. It doesn't matter how much time, energy, money, or commitment they pour into that person. It doesn't matter how much they genuinely, honestly, earnestly love them. Because unless Person B wants to change, and will put the work into doing so, then they will not change, and Person A, for their own health, safety, and sanity, needs to exit that relationship.

Now, does that mean that if, ten years down the line, Person B decides they are ready to put in the work to get their alcoholism under control, no one should help them? Of course not! They should absolutely be put in touch with sober counselors, support groups, medical professionals, friends and family who can help them. Person A could potentially forgive them, if Person A chooses. But that willingness to change and put in the work has to come from within Person B first.

I've been in the position where I've seen people in awful situations just tanking their lives, people I loved and cared about, people I begged to just listen to me and get help, only for them to not . . . and ultimately I had to accept that I couldn't fix them. I could be there to offer support when they were ready to fix themselves, but the core work that needed to be done had to come from within themselves. I couldn't provide that. Not because I was inadequate, not because I didn't love them, but because I couldn't force them to do anything they didn't want, or weren't ready, to do.

So at the end of the day, "you can't fix them" isn't about not giving support. It's about recognizing your limitations as a human being. It's about knowing that:

You cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do.

You cannot force someone to do something they are not ready to do.

Not being able to help or save someone is not a moral failing of yours.

Not being able to help or save someone does not mean you do not love or care about them.

Providing support should never come at risk of your own health and safety, physical or otherwise.

When you love someone, it can be really hard to accept this. You think, "I know I can make them want to try. I know I can inspire them to want to change. I know they love me, so if I just love them a little harder, they will want to change." Nine times out of ten, though, that is just not true. And if someone is abusing you, it is not worth the literal risk to your life to keep trying. You are worth more than that. You are more than just someone else's band-aid.

Keep yourselves safe in 2024.

[absolutelyzoned]

its me and my inability to compromise against the world

[queen-of-the-boos]

Vent in tags sorry

[qeyond]

Pulling out the ol death note tee and L necklace for a special date like it's my best suit and tie

[mymelodyisme]

3, 7 and 14 for the asks!! 😍

😭 I should have asked you more myself!! But I saw handwriting and went “I MUST have her write some of her FIC-“

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

So 🤔 this is kinda tricky cause we hardly rewatch films in my house cause 🙄 my mom and dad only like watching things once usually. But but but I DO share in common with my mom that I love rewatching:

Encanto

Tangled

Turning Red

I’ve certainly annoying my sisters recently with Turning Red 🤣 it’s really good background noise and fu bro watch. Encanto cause it’s good!!! But also I’m latina and also feel not special like Mirabel 😭 my sister first time we watched the movie said Luisa reminded her of me tho thanks for clocking the older sister energy I guess. And tangled because Rapunzel my favorite Disney princess ever 🥺

7. what scares you the most and why?

Oof here’s where we get ✨depressing✨

First do we mean spine tingling or deep rooted fear that stabs at your heart till it aches and pours out? Cause I could easily say something concrete like cockroaches (they make me cry and shake so quick) but if we’re talking in ouchie heart ache type of scares it’s becoming unwanted and an inconvenience 😭 I’ve felt like that a few times in my life and heck I’ve been feeling it especially hard lately. Just gotta take a deep sigh and keep going cause I’m gonna like me enough to want me to stay! Ya know! Also I’m scared of being in absolute darkness and I’m scared to be out at night :)

14. what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

😭 kinda related back to the other question Owie, this one seems kind of ridiculous but it’s the simplest and most heart breaking for me. All of my wants have this same thing in common but this one is the most recent so ridiculous or not here you are.

Going for a walk.

I’m, frankly, scared of the unwanted attention that comes with being a fat person in public 😭 I mean realistically I know no one’s actually looking at me but I can’t help but feel they are. In PE I was always last to finish and the kids who were done early would cheer me on and they meant well but it always made me cry. For a bit I got a little braver about walking on the treadmill at the university but I’m out now and we don’t have one at home. I’ve been wanting to go walking to better myself because 🥺 I could be better but I’m really scared of going to the park. It’s on the other side of town, it’s bigger with more shade, but it’s next to our high school and there’s a bunch of houses and there’s no good time for me to talk out of my day to do this and I’d go for a walk but we don’t have sidewalks where I live and I don’t want to walk in the road and block someone from their driveway. It’s all excuses I guess but all in all I’m afraid of existing in other people’s spaces.

But but to end on something positive!!! 🤔 um I’m really proud of the way I’ve conquered my fear of driving. I’m still afraid of that and going long distances to places I don’t know but now I feel that I just gotta go it and I’ll get used to it. It helps that my car is cute and I have stuffed animals 😄 I actually don’t hate driving as much anymore I like going around town with the windows down letting the air mess up my hair.

♥️Questions♥️ (yall should go ask Libby too 🩷)

[lunar-fey]

ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.

but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)

LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!