#my dog's gonna go see the kitten again and see how they get along the second time

[sheepwasfound]

thanks everybody for the cat tips!!

[planet-dusk]

of cats 'n' dogs // l.mh

all you want for christmas is to try your hand at taking control in bed. you didn't think your unwavering boyfriend would agree; but what he didn't expect was to enjoy it this much.

⛓️ PAIRING :: lee minho x f!reader

⛓️ GENRE :: smut

⛓️ WORD COUNT :: 2.2k

⛓️ WARNINGS :: dom!minho tries subbing, bratty sub!minho, soft dom!mc, praise, bondage, oral (m + f), edging, unprotected sex, cum eating, descriptions of subspace

⛓️ NOTE :: 18+ minors dni. the characters don't represent real people. this is fiction for entertainment purposes only. don't edit, copy, repost or otherwise steal my content.

📍 skz masterlist

“Stop teasing," Minho groans when you lick a wet stripe from his navel to the waistband of his shorts. 

"Why? You told me I could do anything I want today, kitten." 

He rolls his eyes at the pet name but you notice the way the tips of his ears turn red. Normally, you’d be in his position: strapped to the bed and at his mercy. He’s always been the dominant person in your relationship (at least between the sheets) so you aren’t expecting him to give in without a fight. He might’ve agreed to this but that doesn’t mean he’s going to offer himself to you on a silver platter. 

And if he thinks you don’t have it in you? Then he’s dead wrong. And you’re determined to prove it. 

“Either way you don’t have much of a say in this. Unless you want to use your safeword?” 

Minho rolls his eyes again. “Continue.”

You ignore his command, moving back up his torso to swirl your tongue around one of his nipples. 

“What are you—ah!—doing?” He kicks his head back when you tug the sensitive bud between your teeth. 

“I thought you’d have more self control than this.” 

“And I thought you’d be all over my cock by now.”

You grin and palm him through his shorts, delighted by the way his eyes widen. “You’re liking this a little too much, aren’t you?” 

“Just a compulsory physical reaction. You’re near me, I get hard.” He shrugs. “Pavlov.”

“I’m sure those dogs were better at following orders, though.”

He grimaces. “Less talking and more—” he gasps when you squeeze his cock again, “—of that.” 

“Hmm, love it when you beg.”

“I didn’t—”

The words die on his tongue when you wrap your lips around his clothed length, mouthing at the head. You can faintly taste the precum that’s wetting the fabric of his shorts. You’ve been teasing him for nearly an hour now, never touching him below the belt. He must be so hard it’s starting to hurt; his heightened senses send in overdrive by the sudden contact even with the layer of cotton in between. 

You might’ve teased him about his self control earlier but you’re impressed by how long he’s holding out. He’s right; if the roles were reversed you would’ve started begging for his cock a long time ago. The only thing keeping you from straddling him right now is your conviction. You’re thankful he’s restrained so he can’t feel or see the wetness pooling between your thighs. 

You’re starting to understand why he enjoys being a dom this much.

You trace the outline of his erection with your tongue until the fabric is soaked with spit. Minho’s tugging at his cuffs, clearly affected even if he tries his hardest to hold back his moans. 

“Just—fuck.” He sounds exasperated now. “Just touch me.”

“I’m touching you.”

You suck a dark bruise into his thigh. They’re so big and strong you wouldn’t mind spending the rest of the day between them. Looking up at him with innocent eyes, the scowl you receive in return communicates something along the lines of you know what I mean. 

“I’ll take them off when you’re a good boy. Behave.” 

“So I really am the dog in this little experiment of yours, aren’t I.”

“I liked calling you kitten but I suppose pup could work.” You trace the muscles in his thigh with one hand before giving the flesh a harsh slap, making him yelp. You watch it jiggle while his cock twitches at the same time. Another tiny crack in his demeanor you file away for later. “Now are you gonna comply or do I have to put a muzzle on you?”

“Fine,” he mutters. He stares at the ceiling as if he’s never seen a more interesting surface before. 

You halt, suddenly unsure of what to do. Did he really give in? Or is this another scheme of his? 

“Well?” He squints down at you. “Cat got your tongue?”

And just like that he’s flipping the script again. You mentally scold yourself for hesitating. It feels like he’s always one step ahead of you. You’re inexperienced when it comes to playing this role and he knows it. 

You need a more direct approach. 

“No cats here.” You make a show of sticking your tongue out as far as you can, dragging it over his thigh. “The dog may get one more chance, though.” You suck another bruise into his skin before pulling back. “If he stops barking.”

“And what if he doesn’t?” 

You ignore him, no longer feeling like giving in to his endless quips. You can almost hear the cogs turning inside his head as he tries to figure out your next move. 

From the way he moans when you suddenly wrap your lips around his clothed cock and bite down, this wasn’t what he was anticipating. 

“I’ve changed my mind. Let me hear you.”

Your fingers tug at the waistband of his shorts while you mouth at his tip. He whimpers louder and you reward him by dragging his shorts down his thighs until his cock springs free. 

It seems your intent has finally caught on because the high-pitched, whiny sound he makes when you tongue at his slit is nothing short of sinful. You kitten-lick his swollen head and swipe your tongue along his shaft from base to tip with long strokes. He chases your mouth with his hips as much as the cuffs around his ankles and wrists allow, clearly vexed by not being able to set the pace or touch you. 

“You’re doing so well,” you coo, cupping his balls. “Such a good little pup.” 

His squirming stills and you look up to find his cheeks flushing a deep red. 

Of course. Praise. After all the times he got flustered when on the receiving end of a compliment you should’ve known it would translate to the bedroom as well. But when he’s in his usual dom persona there aren’t many chances for you to praise him until after the act. 

You smirk and stroke his cock slowly. “Oh, so that’s what the big bad wolf likes? Being a cute needy pup for me?”

Minho is watching the ceiling again. “Maybe I just want to cum.” 

“Don’t you wanna be good for me, baby?” you murmur as you collect his precum with your thumb to spread it over his velvety skin. “Keep being such a good boy and I’ll ride you, might even let you fill me up, how does that sound?”

Careful not to hurt him you suck on his balls, taking them into your mouth while your hand slides along his cock. He’s more vocal now; letting out low groans and high-pitched whimpers when you press your tongue against his perineum. 

“That’s it, you sound so pretty like this.” Your grip around his length tightens when you see how responsive he is. “You’re beautiful. My Christmas present. I’ve always wanted a puppy,” you tease while your other hand circles his rim. 

It’s true. And with his hair mussed, cheeks flushed and skin covered in bite marks he looks absolutely delectable. His cock feels heavy in your fist and you can’t wait to sink down on it. You have to press your thighs together to find some relief for the ache between your legs. 

“I’m gonna—fuck—” Minho croaks suddenly and you let go of his cock, watching it twitch against his stomach as his impending orgasm recedes. His head falls back against the pillow. “I was so close.” His eyes squeeze shut when you slip out of your panties and straddle him, dragging your wet cunt over his swollen cock. “Ahh—please—”

“What did you say, pup?” You cup his cheek. “I can’t hear you.”

“Please, no more teasing,” he pleads. You recognize the glassy look in his eyes. It’s the same look you see reflected back at you in the mirror after he’s had his way with you. “I’ll be good, I—” 

He tugs at the cuffs in frustration, unable to form words. You bend over to press a kiss to his mouth. His bottom lip is swollen from his teeth clamping down on it repeatedly. “Shh, gonna give my pup what he wants, okay? You’ve been so good. Gonna take care of you now, don’t worry.”

You moan in unison when you finally sink down on his cock, his hips flush against your ass. Even without prep there is no resistance; your body has been craving this ever since you stepped into bed. 

“You feel so good,” you whisper against his lips. “Pup’s got such a big cock, stretching me out so well. Never wanna get off. Want you inside of me all the time.” 

Minho has never felt this floaty. There’s a static buzz in his ears as his entire world shrinks down to your voice and the feeling of your warm walls wrapped around him. 

The meek whimpers he lets out at your words are addicting. His eyes roll back when you start grinding your hips in slow circles, your clit rubbing against his pelvic bone. “Look down. Look at how well you fill me up.”

He does as you say, captivated by your pussy sucking in his cock as you start bouncing on it. After getting so close earlier you know he won’t last long if you keep riding him like this. And since you’re not used to him being restrained you miss the feeling of his hands on your body. 

“Listen, pup.” His eyes snap up to yours, big and round and pupils blown so wide nearly all you can see is black. “I’m gonna untie you and then you’re gonna make me cum on your pretty cock like a good boy, okay?”

He nods, whining when you get off to loosen the cuffs. You press a quick kiss to his lips. You didn’t expect him to become this non-verbal after his initial mouthiness. You’re so accustomed to his constant witty remarks (both in and outside of the bedroom) this sudden change in demeanor is worrying you a little. 

“Everything okay, pup?” you ask, massaging his wrists. “Color?”

“Green,” he answers, kicking off his shorts. “It’s… going to be a lot to process, but I feel good. I trust you.”

You smile and press another kiss to his lips.

“It’ll be yellow if I don’t get to cum soon, though.”

You laugh at his cheeky grin. It’s good to see his wittiness is still intact. 

“Watch your tone, pup. Or I’ll cuff your hands behind your back and make you eat me out for another hour.”

Minho groans. “I’ll take all the pussy I can get.”

“So desperate,” you recline against the sheets and guide his cock between your legs. “I like it.”

He follows you without a word, closing his eyes when he sinks back between your velvety walls. You feel so wet and warm around him he has to use all his strength to keep himself from blowing his load as soon as he starts moving. His head drops into the crook of your neck and you wrap your arms around his shoulders. 

“Who would’ve thought my fierce kitty could be such a good pup?” you hum into his ear. He likes to pretend otherwise even though he’s never been anything but soft. So all of this doesn’t really come as a surprise, but you revel in the way your words make his hips stutter. 

“And good pups deserve a reward.” You tug his earlobe between your teeth. It earns a low groan from him. “Do you want to choose yours?” 

Minho can feel himself slipping away again. He leans back and his unfocused eyes take you in. “Wanna fill you up…” he trails off, searching for the right words. “And eat you out after.” 

“You don’t have to—” you start but he cuts you off. He grabs your hips and tilts them so he can thrust into you deeper. The new angle has the head of his cock brushing against your most sensitive spot and you moan at the sudden pleasure flooding your body. It’s only a taste of what he can do but it feels fucking delicious already. 

“I want to,” he assures. “Let me make you feel good, wanna cum, please—”

You’ve never seen him this desperate before. His brows are tightly knit together. His voice is wavering. You realize he’s waiting for your approval—no doubt using all his willpower to keep himself from reaching his high while your tight hole clenches around his cock. The knowledge he’s handing this power to you is almost enough to send you over the edge. 

“Cum for me, pup,” you order and he does so with a sob, spilling his warm seed inside of you with a few short strokes. He stays there for a moment, trembling as you wrap your arms around him and kiss his temple. You let him catch his breath until he wriggles himself out of your hold to settle between your spread thighs. 

You feel his cum dribble out of you until it’s intercepted by his flat tongue sweeping through your folds. You whimper when he sucks on your clit and pushes his face closer into your cunt. 

“I’ll be your good pup,” he grins while he sinks two of his fingers into your hole, “then you can be my kitten again.”

[angstywildcats]

it’s been a hot minute since ive read warrior cats so i just wanted to ask what the relationship between ferncloud and brightheart is? and in turn the general premise of your coming surrounding them? im really interested!!

It has been a hot minute since i've touched a book too, anybody is free to correct me but. In canon, they really just were apprentices at the same time.

If you wana pepe silvia it up, it should be noted that the books however included that:

Fernpaw and Ashpaw's mother is killed by the dogs

Swiftpaw would invite Fernpaw (and Ashpaw) to find out what's been out there hunting down Thunderclanners (It should be stated that Swiftpaw, I think, did this for his Warrior name and wanted support. I don't know if there was ever any mentioned other noble cause on saving his Clan or specifically his apprentice denmates)

Brightpaw and Swiftpaw leave, that whole tragedy happens.

Fernpaw is the one to confess to Fireheart (and Cloudtail, I think?) about where the missing Swiftpaw and Brightpaw's whereabouts are. Which, theoretically helps Brightpaw be found in time.

The book never really shows them interacting otherwise, as far as I can remember, but Ferncloud and Brightheart also most likely shared time in the nursery together since they have kittens around the same era... which you never see because that's in between The Prophecies Begin and The New Prophecy, and Whitepaw is an apprentice by then.

Basically I'm making mountains over underdeveloped molehills over side characters, but I think with what's given, there's a lot of emotional exploration to be had over it, while still feeling in-line with canon!

I should say as well, I was all particularly inspired by this because a couple of Warriors videos ('Danse Macabre', 'No one, Everyone, Your mama') both included a shot of Fernpaw watching them leave in the night. It's such a simple thing to include, but there's a lot of weight to seeing your friends the very moment they leave to go on a suicide mission and one of them never coming back! What would have happened if you broke their trust and just told on them to not leave! Is it your fault they died!?

Soooo with all that being said, and my absolute hunger for just... more interpersonal relationships between characters in Warriors (which they fail me for even the main characters), there's a lot of strong potential in this.

With my take on Brightheart and Ferncloud, I just see them as really good or bonded friends who grew up together. They go through a lot through shared trauma, and based on the tidbits of personality given for both of them, I think they also would get along. Fernpaw being timid, Brightpaw being caring for others. In my comic I've added a bit to also imply Brightheart agreed to go with Swiftpaw not only to support him but to do it for Fernpaw/Ashpaw as well. I hesitate to put any further label on it since... well, their children get together romantically so it would add to the tangle of bloodlines, but I def can see it as how some childhood friends have sibling bonds.

For the comic... you will have to see exactly what happens! It's short, chill. Mostly conversational, just like the Shrewpaw/Ferncloud one but i hope it still hits emotional beats. I think something just fun to chew on while I make it is... How would it feel to watch your friends try hunt something that killed your mother, and only one survives, coming out of it extremely shaken. What would seeing her again feel like.

Perhaps I have talked to much, but I actually planned to do an extension of this comic where it timeskips further on where all the apprentices, grown up, visit Swiftpaw's grave.... but I decided against this because. 1. This is already a lot of work to do this many pages. 2. It's gonna be pretty long already, and I do not like making extremely long posts on tumblr. 3. I found a different way to end the comic I preferred.

Here's the script. Perhaps maybe I'll touch on it another while but admittedly after this I may be tired of exploring the Dog Incident for a bit.

Thank you for being so kind and inquiring! It's very fun, I enjoyed explaining this.

[familyvideostevie]

Hi i just wanted to say thank you for writing 'no good at waiting. It was amazing and i loved every second i spend reading it! You are an incredible writer!! For the no good at waiting requests, can I request some established relationship fluff? I'd love to see it!

thank YOU for reading it and being so kind!! here's just like, a really small snippet of a sweet moment between steve and bee girl! i hope you like <3

bee girl and steve go out for breakfast | [0.6k] a no good at waiting one-shot, au masterlist ___

The sun has barely crested the treeline when the waitress tells you to pick any table. Sizzling and the smell of bacon float through the window to the kitchen as Steve pulls you by the hand to a corner booth. You slide in on one side and he sits across from you, fingers interlaced the whole time.

"I'm tired," you say with a yawn. He smiles at you, glasses askew and hair messy. You've been up almost all night at Sara's helping Steve with the barn cat's new litter. El and Mike took over and you suggested breakfast. So here you are, almost 6am, smiling at each other like idiots.

"Not cut out for farm life, huh?" he jokes. You roll your eyes and gently kick his foot under the table. He hooks his ankle with yours.

"Says you. Who was falling asleep on my shoulder just when it was getting good." He opens his mouth to argue with you but the waitress approaches your table.

"What can I get you?" she asks. She looks tired, too.

"Coffee, please," Steve says. His thumb runs over your knuckles. You haven't even looked at a menu but you both know better than to pretend that you won't be getting what you always get when you go out. "And scrambled eggs with bacon and potatoes, please."

"And we'll also share a stack of pancakes," you add.

"Be right up," she says, shoes clacking as she returns to the kitchen. You're not the only people in the diner at this hour. A few truckers, a stern-looking woman. But otherwise, it's quiet, peaceful.

Steve pulls his hand from yours to take off his glasses and rub his face. "Do you think Hop is gonna give 'em away?" he asks. The barn cat had birthed six kittens. You hum, mulling it over. He runs a hand through his hair and it sticks up in even more directions than before.

"Well, El's gonna demand one, he's gotta know that." The waitress drops off two hot mugs of coffee. Steve pours sugar into them both, adding milk to yours before he slides it over. You clutch it gratefully with both hands.

"At least one," Steve replies. "Bet Dustin will want one too. He always tells me how Mrs. Henderson really misses their old cat."

"What about you?" you ask him. He raises his eyebrows over the rim of his mug. He looks so pretty you have to touch him. So you do -- just a reach across the table to trace his hairline with your thumb.

"What about me?" His cheeks color at your touch, his mouth quirking up at one end.

"Do you want one?" Your breakfast comes at that moment, so you repeat the question as Steve rearranges the plates so they're between both of you, pours syrup over only half of the stack of pancakes and you put ketchup on half of the eggs.

"I don't know," he says. "I never thought about it." You clink forks before diving in. You go for the potatoes first and Steve tries the pancakes. "I never had a pet as a kid. Plus, I already have one girl hogging all the covers."

You kick him again. "Well, maybe we can get one someday. Or a dog, if you want." It comes out casually, though you know what you're implying.

"Okay," Steve says. "Someday." He looks so soft you think about leaning over the table to kiss him square on the mouth. But...you are really hungry. "Oh, hold on," Steve says. He reaches out and brushes his thumb along your lower lip. "Syrup."

"Thanks," you say softly. You want to take this moment and bottle it up, put a stopper in it and carry it around for the rest of your life. But at the same time you know that this is just one morning of hundreds, thousands, that you're going to have with Steve. That you've had with him already.

Love, for the rest of your life. Here, at the table, on an early morning. It's delicious.

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1982 Post

Have you ever had too much of a good thing? Or, rather, have you seen that one scene from Matilda with the chocolate cake? If you haven't seen Matilda I think you should because it still holds up and is a really cute movie. The Chokie does live rent free in my mind though.

Anyway, this is my chocolate cake and I think everyone should join me on it. Go Read At The Garfield Archive. I started at the beginning of May reading Garfield and I will be ending May still reading Garfield.

Return of Garfield's Strange Extended Family. Also, I don't have high hopes for ever seeing Lyman again. He was last seen on 12/25 of last year, but before that he was only seen on 6/24 of last year. :( Wish him well, Lyman Fans.

He had places to be! Soon one of those places is gonna be in doggy court.

Can't believe Jon would come along and just try to limit poor Odie like that.

Grandma was the sweetest of Jon's relatives so far and honestly this is a spot on joke. Love these two, I hope we get to see her again!

To be fair this is how most cats act, they don't really have that off switch when it comes to food. I can relate with most sweets.

Garfield mounted upon a mighty steed with a hunting rifle in one hand and a burger in the other.

Always great to have Garfield shouting out the other cats in the neighborhood! On an unrelated note, I just realized that there is a green dog in the middle of all those cats and that Jon got new curtains.

THE ONLY WORTH COMMERCIAL IN MY EYES

*squints* I think we've seen this exact joke before?

Admittedly it was hard for me to pick a favorite of this entire series because they are all so good, but pure cartoon physics always gets a laugh outta me

I love that this is some fun foreshadowing since I am currently reading this in the year 2024!

Okay, but I think this is the first time I've looked at Nermal and gone "okay, that was cute"

OH SHIT!? LYMAN SPOTTED?! I HONESTLY DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE HIM!! THE KING LIVES STILL IN ANOTHER YEAR!!

It is a sad state of my classic literature knowledge when I had to look up who the heck that was.

There is a good bit after this one where he confronts the stump lurker only to figure out that it is a mouse (Floyd, I'm sure, although he hasn't yet been named by the comic)

I'm hitting my second wind and these are hitting their second funny, so this is a great combination actually!

I don't have any insightful commentary on this comic, it's just funny enough to stand on its own. A real knock-em-dead kind.

Let Garfield Have A Kitten

LYMAN HAS SPOTTED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! HE IS THERE, BUT DEAR GOD SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A SPEAKING LINE!!

On one hand that is hilarious, but on the other hand if I reached my hand in expecting cookies and got lettuce someone is gettin' mauled.

Garfield just delivered a blow that was worse than death upon Jon. RIP Jon's Spirit and hand bones.

And that's a wrap on this year! I did get more goofs out of this year and finished reading it before my lunch hour! Maybe I could even finish catching up before Garfield's next birthday? 😘

[swiftfootedachilles]

I love the Ghost Hunters AU and I really want more of Salem. Especially Salem with the Milkovich siblings.

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 thank you. ive always wanted a black cat named either princess or salem and i thought it would make sense since its a ghost hunter au (even tho i skipped over all the ghost stuff so my post wasnt a million words long) with terry not around i feel like the milkoviches would love playing with animals. Salem is a very adventurous, people-loving cat! you know, the kind of cat people say were a dog in their past life. of course she loves the gallaghers too! even carl makes a point to be nice to her (after, when she was a kitten, ian beat him up for making a joke) but the milkoviches dont really get to show affection ever, so they love getting to play with her and scratch her lil belly and give her treats they stole from the pet store. they all adore her but ofc after ian and mickey get together and he comes over to the gallaghers a shitton, mickey becomes her 2nd dad. he goes to the top of her favorite people list. nobody else plays with her the way he does! hes not afraid to get a little rough, but he knows whats signs to look out for when a cat is not playing/irritated. shes still young and she loves playing!! imagine toddlers who like getting thrown around because its fun, shes like that. she gets kicked out and put in a different room when they fuck, and she uses this time to get in as much trouble as possible, knock shit over, and annoy anyone else in the house. ALSO she LOVES liam!! they literally grow up together and fiona teaches him how to treat animals so by the time hes like 5, she moves from sleeping with ian to sleeping with liam

i imagined ian and mandy meeting at the same time, so when salem is 2 that would be s3 ish. when he first found her, ian had just started his job and scrounged up every penny he could find to take her to a low cost clinic to get spayed and vaxxed. other than being skinny and dehydrated (and ofc separated from her mom as a kitten) she was in surprisingly good shape! now shes so used to being spoiled by everyone! ian LOVES taking care of others and being of service so he really found a home in Salem, treating her like his kid and giving her the best life possible. i definitely think once he gets diagnosed with BD, he pays (with mostly mickeys money lbr) for her to be his emotional support animal and takes her to as many pet friendly places at possible!

like i said she becomes kinda the mascot of the ghost hunting youtube channel they eventually start. its not something they see as a career or anything, they do it as a hobby, but they gain decent attraction and make extra money on the side from ads and a few brand deals. ofc Salem is the reason everyone watches the channel 🙄 she's in pretty much every video, and they chose her as their icon bc 1. black cat spooky duh 2. she brought them together 🥺 3. she really does show up A LOT in videos, especially when they're not urban exploring/hunting and at home recording the historical backgrounds and debriefings for each location. also yes they do urban exploring as well, thats mainly mickey and mickey and whatever milkovich wants to tag along and graffiti an abandoned building. imagine a combination of The Watcher and Dan Bell (omfg now im imagining them doing Another Dirty Room???? 😭 they would be so offended at paying money for rooms worse than their own back in the southside) but with less production value

ok omg i wrote so much im gonna stop now before i go off the rails again. how did i fall in love with this random ass au from a trope generator. reminder that i accidentally deleted the og post so it wont turn up in searches unless youre on my blog or the blog of anyone else who rbed it :)

[rumble-aint-a-rumble-without-me]

Hello Dillo! I think I sent a match up ask and If I did ignore this! I just don’t know if Tumblr sent it or not because it closed out of this and just gave up ?? if you do see it ignore this :)

May I please request a match up 🐑!

I’m African American and Puerto Rican. I can’t speak Spanish if my life depended on it.. I can understand it sometimes though. I have locs in my hair and it’s about to the base of my neck I’d say.

I enjoy doing art. I take classes for it and I do different types of media in art such as graphite pencil, color pencil, charcoal, etc. I love charcoal though because it’s messy and I love getting my hands messy!

I’m a terrible cook but I love baking. Making cakes and cupcakes sometimes is so relaxing and I just have such a sweet tooth!

I’m heavily interested in reading! I Love books and analyzing some things the characters say. I tab my pages and annotate sometimes. My favorite genres are romance, coming of age and fantasy. I also freaking LOVE comics. But I also love watching movies. I’m heavily into film. Watching a movie before or after watching the book version of it >>>>>> amazing.

I like Little animals like dogs, bunnies, cats. I prefer cats over dogs but I love them both sm! I own a kitten and he’s so cute.

I play instruments like Ukulele and Electric and Acoustic Guitar! I enjoy singing along with a tune I’ve made or covers of a song I love. Sometimes I’ll randomly sing something (TERRIBLY) out loud just to get a reaction out a friend or to be annoying because I’m bored lmao.

I’m really quiet but once you get to know me more and I’m comfortable around a person I become very energetic, crazy, and out of control like a little kid let loose on a playground.

To wrap this up because I don’t want it to be too lengthy.. I prefer to stay in and read books and listen to music with a person. (I have a record player so occasionally I’ll just put down a vinyl and I’m in heavennnn!! Depending on the song I’ll start dancing but it’s so bad.. I’ve fallen too many times thinking I was on dance moms or smth..) I like to talk about what happened, the characters and how I relate to them in a way. I’m very tired most of the time too so that will probably end up with me falling asleep.

Thank you so much Dillo! You’re writing is awesome :) once again I’m not sure if I already sent one in, so if I did ignore this!

No stress! I got you dude!

I’m gonna go with Ponyboy again! You’re just really compatible I think! You like to draw, he likes to draw. You like to read, he likes to read. You’re kinda quiet at first, he’s kinda quiet at first. You guys would do so well together!

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1997 Today’s been a fun and pretty active day.

I’ve been playing new games with the kittens. I go down into the pool and sneak up to the edges with an object that they try to catch. Also, I’ve been throwing balls around both down in the pool and up on the patio.

I got a kick out of Tom earlier, who got the back room looking nice again till he trashes it again. He said he wanted to show me how he and the bird play and how the bird bobs his head up and down along with him. The bird wasn’t bobbing his head in a game. The bird was scared shitless! I asked him, “That’s your game? Scaring the shit out of the bird that you think is really playing?”

It was pretty funny, though.

Tom trimmed 3 inches off my hair last night. It looks so much more even and much healthier. However, if it ends up uneven again - fine. I’m not gonna keep cutting it up to the crack of my ass like I just did. Different hair shafts grow faster than others and I suspect that my sides have pretty much had their growth stunted. They don’t move at all compared to the back.

According to Tom, our niece Pam, the one that’s a loser with the 3-year-old spoiled brat, may have ripped us off. All couples, except for us, got lamps. We have enough lamps, but still, if you have to rip off one of your own family members, that’s low. She probably chose us cuz we’re childless and therefore, she figures we’re not as needy as the others. She was said to have been seen leaving with a lot of stuff. Too much stuff. These are the types of scum God loves to impregnate!

Andy’s in crisis again. I swear, we’ve totally swapped lives. Now he’s got a lot of problems, rather than one or two issues. He called 3 times, but there was only one message from him. He said he really needed to talk, but wouldn’t get into what was wrong. I had gotten up, though, when he said he was due in at work. I left him a message. I’m sure it’s over someone ripping him off at work, at home (he’s got another druggie roommate, Laura’s male friend), his loneliness, or his wanting pot if he hasn’t smoked it already.

No therapy for him, unfortunately. He was looking forward to that, but they lied to him and told him he could get more free hours than he really could. See, he’s in the same predicament I am, in a sense. He can’t get what would “fix” his life, so to speak. What he wants/needs is love, and to be around clean, honest people. But he can’t have that love and I don’t think he wants to be around clean people. Even he admitted to me that he’s attracted to druggies, but now that he’s cleaned up, maybe he’ll feel differently. And maybe he’ll attract clean people easier, too, cuz clean people typically want other clean people.

Anyway, since he can’t get what he really wants, he goes for the next best thing; he wants me to be there for him by phone for an hour or more every day, and that just can’t be, but whatever’s going on with him, I hope it isn’t too bad. I hope he’s not really miserable or anything like that.

So far, it appears this New Year’s Eve is to be a freeloader-free one. Now I’m back to thinking that maybe there hasn’t been someone over there every day, cuz last night there were no lights on. There are no lights on over there now, either, but earlier, the father stopped over for a bit. At least that’s who we think it was. The car’s still in the same spot. Right now, it’s so peaceful out as far as dogs go, but not by the end of the weekend. By the time the weekend’s out, the dog and the assholes will be back and the early evening hours will be filled with that fucking beast’s barking. Well if it is, the wee hours of the nights that I’m up, will be filled with all kinds of racket on my part! It’s a two-way street around here from now on.

I typed up and sealed in an envelope that we won’t open till next year at this time, my predictions for 1998. It’s basically gonna be a still year. I don’t know if I’ll return to smoking or if the freeloaders will be gone that year for sure, but here’s what I do know: neither of us will go to a doctor in regard to our sex lives and my sterility. The sex will be basically the same. I think that we’ll both be used to and OK with having sex in spurts, and with him cumming on the average of every two weeks to two months. I know how he really feels about a kid, but I see this as being a year where I really learn to live with and accept having no child and to even focus on its pros.

I see that we’ll still be living here and that Tom will still be at the bank. His mother will live through this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1997 Last night really sucked. I was really depressed. Tom reminded me that millions of other women can’t have kids and that they just live with it. And also, not getting pregnant for years, for those who can, isn’t uncommon. True. Or else people’s kids wouldn’t be so spaced out, but instead, there are usually years between siblings. You only have 12 days you’re fertile unless you’re like me and have some problem, out of a 365-day year. So, unless a guy can/will cum several days in a row around the right time, getting pregnant will take years. People don’t usually have sex consistently on a daily basis, so hitting that right 24-hour period in a whole month’s time, isn’t so likely.

Tom said that he was sorry if he seemed hard on me. Then he wanted sympathy for his hurt toe (didn’t I say something always hurts him?) and I told him to try having sympathy for a woman who can’t have a child. He said he does, it tears him up inside, if he could change it he would, etc. Yeah well, he can’t change it. If I’m right, something’s wrong/deformed within my uterus, and there’s nothing he or any specialist can do. God made sure of that. I just have to trust that God isn’t just trying to punish me and inflict pain upon me by denying me a child and that he did the right thing. After all, I’d have only been an incompetent, abusive mother, supposedly. I must put my foot down once and for all and just live with my sterility and quit trying to change/control my weight, our sex lives, etc. I have to just accept the fact that I tried, but I can’t lose weight, can’t change our sex lives, can’t change my sterility, and that I’m just wasting my time if I try to fight it. This guy will hardly cum. I’m sterile. I must let things be however they’re gonna be. That’s all I can do anyway. I don’t want to have such a hard, miserable life and another 4 years or more dwelling on how I can never have a kid. I can’t help my feelings, but at the same time, I’ve got to turn my feelings off any way I can so I can go on living. I want to live in peace, not feeling a gap in my life for as long as I live. All my life, there’s always been some issue that eats at me for years. Yeah? Well, no more!!

Later…

My opinions about what’s going on next door have fluctuated, but right now, I’d say they can’t be that afraid, cuz it looks like they’re trying to catch a certain person that sent them some “hate mail.” It seems that they’re trying to make it seem that the house is empty, but they’re doing a bad job of it. I’d say, though, that the car, that’s been sitting in the same spot for days now, is bait, and due to the fact that he’s obviously some kind of car dealer, he can use other cars. That’s probably why he was in that white thing. She strikes me as the type to get pissed off at such mail and eager to stay around and catch whoever’s behind it, rather than the type to run scared. But then why’d she call the cops? Maybe the cops had nothing to do with the letter after all but had something to do with him, cuz he definitely hasn’t been here every day like the bitch has.

Even though I have a million reasons to hate God, I thank him for this second temporary absence of the dog. If it were over there now, it’d be obnoxious at this hour, but cuz it’s not, all’s peaceful. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, but hey, they’ll be hearing me, too.

Now Tom’s not sure if this bird’s a she. He says that Tweety may be a he, but who really cares either way?

I had to stop taking the Dexatrim, cuz after just 3 hours of sleep I’d wake up, then have a hard time falling back to sleep. It was also making me a bit more nervous/moody. It said that this could happen, too. Also, I cut my food intake in half, if not more, only to gain two goddamn pounds. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. Fuck it, like I said. I give up on everything - the weight, the sleeping with him (he’ll just have to sleep on the couch if he’s sleeping when I am), the sex and the kid. I have no choice anyway, cuz God made those choices for me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1997 How smooth of him. I tell him we can have fun anytime, as long as he doesn’t play his mid-cycle games cuz he’s a scaredy-cat who also loves to tease, and he says he doesn’t want the pressure of having to count days and look on calendars to see if he’d be “risking it.” In other words, he says he doesn’t want to make sure he knows when I’m mid-cycle, then have to be paranoid about my blaming him if the sex “doesn’t work out.” So, he’s trying to cover himself. However, if he’d just admit his fears, instead of making sure he doesn’t get in there, we’d have no problem. We live together. I can’t hide when I get my period, and therefore, I can’t hide when I’m mid-cycle. The guy’s not stupid, either. For the first couple of years, he avoided me during mid-cycle, but now, it seems he’ll do anything to lure me into sex during those times, cuz I really believe he does enjoy teasing me, but at the same time he’s scared to deal with the responsibility of my either losing a child or having one. It’s like he has no empathy or compassion for what I’m going through. Then again, how could any man or woman that’s had kids, even begin to understand my situation? I thought it might be best if I made up excuses where we couldn’t have sex during those times, but then I’d be just as guilty as he is of not coming totally clean, even though I know I can’t ever conceive. Who knows? Maybe this fear of my conceiving he’s got really is a subconscious thing for him and he doesn’t know it.

We did have a good time shopping together. I kind of regret going to the mall, though, cuz it was almost like a Friday night there! It was mobbed with people looking for after-Christmas deals and kids on vacation.

Tom got what was his Christmas present from me that he’s been looking for. It’s a hair-cutting thing. You hook it to a vacuum and it sucks up the hair and cuts the amount that you set it to cut. Tom really likes it. Speaking of hair things, he said I should try the hair removal system again and that it’s now in stores everywhere, so it can’t be that much of a rip-off. Well, it is. It’s total bullshit.

We also got a new colorful comforter with pastel colors mostly and a matching sheet set.

At Office Max, I got fluorescent multi-colored computer paper, and a small notepad of fluorescent multi-colored paper, a cactus mouse pad, and a box of a dozen of my favorite pens. They didn’t have purple in stock, so I got blue.

Boy, this bird is pretty animated tonight. Not with chirping. She chirps very little. But I guess she’s filing her beak now.

Andy has a therapy appointment today, so I’m sure he’ll leave me 2-3 full messages about it. I do want to hear about it, but not for that long!

What the fuck was that? Was that the black bitch yelling? Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck’s up with them. Yes, it does seem that no one’s moved the gray car he’s been driving, but then where is he? Why’s he driving the white car (if it’s really him driving it)? Why would you move out, get a different car, and leave your old one where you moved from? That is if he did move out. He couldn’t have gone too far, cuz he’s been showing up at least every few days. I’m sure he, his dog, and his music will be back to stay anytime from now till the 1st. Tom said he doubts New Year’s Eve will be rocking over there, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was activity over there on New Year’s Day. If he’s in the picture there will be. Anyhow, I think that at least the bitch has been there. Tom said that last night every single light was on, then they were off later at night. So, I don’t know if they’re scared of the letter or if the cops had anything to do with the letter or what. I’ve heard weird sounds like they could be moving/packing sounds, but right now, I’d say that she’s not going anywhere and that loverboy and doggie shall return any second. Maybe his not moving that car is a plant. They could know that they don’t have enough evidence to take me to court, and are using the white one while they hope to maybe catch me on tape doing something to the gray one. Who knows? All I know is that if they’re a problem with noise, I’ll be a problem with noise and more if I don’t beat their asses.

Drinking those wine coolers really makes me relax. In fact, they make me sort of drowsy, so maybe they’ll help me sleep when I can’t, and even get on schedule when I need to or want to. The Benadryl helps, too.

Andy says I’m swapping one addiction for another. First of all, I don’t see how 1-2 little bottles a day could hook me. And even if it did - better to be hooked on that than hooked on cigarettes. Especially when you’ve got asthma. And someone with no job, no kids, and who doesn’t drive, doesn’t need to worry as much. Lastly, if I can quit smoking, I can quit anything.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1997 I finally got a hold of Paula, but I will never ever talk to her again with that kid there. First, she interrupts me a million times to scream and threaten it, then she puts me on hold forever, but I just hung up at that point. She’s such a ditz!

I’m in a rather numb kind of mood right now. Destiny struck today and if he’d just get off from the 9th to the 12th, I could show him I really am sterile, but he just won’t do that! He’s just too scared and too determined to fight me with this issue. I told him this and he said, “Then let’s go for it.” Yeah, right! You know how many times he’s said that and got cold feet and just had to play games instead? I told him I know he won’t go for it. I know he’s too scared. In fact, I’m just not gonna bother to go near him when I’m mid-cycle. That way I don’t have to worry about him doing something he’s terrified of and would rather not do, and I don’t have to play his games with him. He’s only gonna be struck with sudden amnesia and “forget” how to get in there. He won’t even go inside me then, and he’ll just make up some lame excuse for why he didn’t, like the angle or something like that (after mid-cycle and on up to now, he’s had no problems getting in there).

I had said that maybe it’d be best to go to a doctor just to prove my point to Tom about the sterility, so we’d have one less thing to disagree on, but you know what? I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be normal. First, it was being dragged to Boston to make me a normal ear, then it was me trying to be a normal child who was accepted and loved, not betrayed and rejected, and now I’m supposed to see a doctor to inquire about a normal reproductive system? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m just so fucking sick of trying for what’s supposed to come naturally and be normal. If I can’t sleep with my husband, fine, cuz I’m not gonna keep trying. We just won’t sleep together. And I’m not gonna “try” to get pregnant. First off, I can’t get pregnant. And secondly, I shouldn’t have to belittle myself by having to “try” for something like that.

Tom said he was disappointed with how December went. Well, he doesn’t show it, I told him. He said he doesn’t show his emotions like I do. Oh. OK. Then I had a moment where I must’ve lost my mind, cuz I thought that the only way for me to get up the guts to defy God and see a doctor I shouldn’t be seeing, would be by Tom’s strength like it was his strength that got me through the ear surgery and the not smoking, but what for? Just to be told what I already know - that I can’t have a child? Just for him to fight the doctors along the way and maybe even put a guilt trip on me about the whole thing? He don’t want to cum regularly. He don’t want sex full-time. He don’t want no kid. And God’s totally on his side.

As for the cigarettes, oh I miss them so much! I don’t know if I can go much longer without smoking. I am getting so much closer to breaking down and going back to smoking. I even had Tom get me a wine cooler to relax me yesterday (I’ve completed the 12 weeks of the gum).

Later…

I just freaked out a bit and had Tom get me some more of that berry-flavored wine cooler. I almost had him get me cigarettes. I mean, why should it be so important for me to breathe well? Why should I worry about disappointing him when he’s let me down, too? Anyway, I decided I’d get something that’d relax me, rather than something that’d make it hard for me to breathe. I could get used to a few glasses of wine a day. Better that than cigarettes, I guess. Especially when you have asthma.

In Freeloader news, it looks like no one’s been staying there regularly. The dog’s still not there, but his car has been parked deep in the carport and has appeared not to be moved as if he hasn’t been around. The reason Tom thinks he isn’t around is cuz of how deep he parked in the carport, which is pretty inconvenient. Well, he’s afraid for that car. He probably felt better with it more hidden and like he stood a better chance of boxing in and catching anyone that may fuck with it.

I was just beginning to wonder if he wasn’t arrested shortly after the pigs showed up over there, or if he wasn’t out of state, but he just came in in a white car of some kind that we’ve never seen before. I didn’t see anyone clearly, but who else could it be? Why he’s not driving his car, beats me, but it appears that at least two people came in to put the recycle bin out. Something you wouldn’t do at 1 PM unless you’re not staying there, as Tom pointed out. Well, they can’t be staying that far out of town to be able to come in at least every other day like what seems to be the case, so is this and the fact that the dog and patio toys are gone mean they’re moving? Cuz I don’t see how this can have anything to do with the holidays at this point. Christmas is over. They moved in slowly, so maybe they’re moving out slowly, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. It does, though, seem like they’re running from something that’s scared the shit out of them!

I began taking Dexatrim, which will hopefully be an even more effective appetite suppressant, that’ll allow me to lose weight. I’m currently at 116, so, we’ll see where it goes from here.

We went to a hardware store this morning to pick out what we like for a new cabinet/sink for the bathroom. We’re both sick of this ugly old sink that has no cabinets.

I got a couple of little cactuses, too, but don’t know where I’m gonna plant them yet. It seems that Bunny’s taken to destroying my cactuses.

Lastly, we went to a pet store and got two more little wheels for the mice, mice food, and a nice blue birdcage and a loop stand for it. He matches his cage well, but Tom says he’s a she. From what research he’s done, it’s a she over 6 months old. Whatever.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1997 I think the dog’s back. Yeah, I knew it’d be just a matter of time before he, his dog, and his music were back. He and the music haven’t returned yet, but there’s this white car I just saw and I think this is the car that’s been taking and bringing the dog. I had thought they were using trucks and thought I had heard one of those big ones that beep as you back it up and bring the dog back the last time, but maybe not.

I had wondered if his not being around much lately was cuz of the letter, but no way. First, it’s too long after the letter was sent and second, I still don’t think they contacted them. I think they’re just having a temporary spat or that he’s out of town visiting family, but he’ll be back any second. I wish I could say that that was his dog and that she never liked or wanted a dog and that they had such a bad fight that if they end up together again, it’ll be after we’ve moved.

Tweety’s uttered a few chirps, but for the most part, he’s still silent and shy.

Later…

The white car’s gone, but I don’t know yet if the dog’s back for sure. I will at sundown if it is.

Lisa and I had a quick talk and she told me something I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear. I feel so bad for those girls. They’ve got their mother abusing them mentally and their father abusing them physically. Lisa said she’s glad Bill’s gone and hopes he and Tammy get divorced. I hope so, too. Neither of them should’ve been parents, but since God insists that almost all kids must have at least one bad parent, I hope Bill’s out of the picture for good. I’d kick his ass if I could have a few minutes with the bastard. People like him have got to go. And what about Tammy? Doesn’t she have any self-respect not to associate with anyone who could be violent to her or her kids? Doesn’t she care about the kid’s safety? For once, God gave the right person cancer. Only problem is that he forgot to kill him.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1997 I guess that Jackie, Jim, Nora and Ray thought that 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit, 3 cats, 16 mice and 30 pigeons weren’t enough, cuz we got a parakeet! David dropped him off yesterday. He’s blue, his wings are clipped, and I’ve been calling him Tweety. I may be a rodent expert, but I don’t know squat about parakeets. I tried looking them up on AOL and didn’t get shit, cuz they were giving me all kinds of different birds and mumbo jumbo. I think their lifespan is about 3-5 years. I’ll call a pet store and ask if I have to. Tom says they’re easy to care for. I don’t know just how noisy he is yet, cuz he hasn’t been here yet in the daytime and I know they’re “dayturnal.” He’s so little compared to the pigeons. The cage he’s in is OK, but I may get this cute little pink cage on a stand that I saw when we were in the pet store. In his cage, he’s got a couple of perches, seed, water, and sandpaper to file his beak down with. Guess their beaks keep growing like rodents’ teeth do. That’s why rodents chew everything they can.

David also had a dress for me that Jackie’s too big for.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1997 Tom told me some big news on next door. As soon as he told me the police were there, I automatically figured it was over my prank letter. But then he told me they were there at 11:30 when he was on his way to work Tuesday night. Why would she call that late over a letter if that’s what it was about? Could she have gotten in late? Why would anyone call the police over a letter? They can’t do anything about that, especially that late, but maybe she didn’t know that if that’s what that was about.

It could also be that she and Loverboy had a spat, but according to Tom, his car wasn’t even there. Maybe they fought, then he took off before the cops arrived.

Yesterday, when we were driving in, we saw his car there. This was around noon. Tom said maybe she doesn’t know he’s there and that’s why he came over at that hour. When he knew she’d be out. Well, she knew he was there later, though. I haven’t heard any dog or music, but I peeked out and saw his car out front when I heard a voice. She sounded as pissed as she usually sounds when I hear her talking, but as old as these single-paned windows are, as close as they are, and as loud as she talks, I couldn’t make out this bitch’s words. All I know is that she spoke to him for a few minutes, then he left, and if there’s a car there now, it’s deep in the carport where I can’t see it by peering out the front.

Yesterday we went to the library, where I picked up 3 books, then we went to see Ma over at Mary’s. Unfortunately, Ma looked weak, tired, and she was very shaky. It was still nice to see her, of course, but Mary and Dave were at work.

Ma got her room there all set up with Tom’s old bed. They painted the walls pale green.

We got our presents from Ma and Mary/Dave, but Tom will have to go over to pick up our gifts from the others at some point this week. Ma said she’d bring them back to the house for us.

Anyway, Tom got a fire extinguisher, a T-shirt (like he needs any more of those as cute as this one was), and a really cool pudding pie kit. There are 4 boxes of pudding and two pie crusts.

I got a big box of microwave popcorn. There must be 15 bags. A puzzle that’s two puzzles in one, so when I finish it, I’ll have to flip it over so I can see the mystery puzzle on the back. And lastly, another cat journal, but if I had to get a duplicate, at least it’s a nice one to be duplicated.

Tom’s gonna make copies of a tape he made of a Christmas get-together from when he was about 12.

Later…

Today’s been a fun and relaxing day so far. It’s a good thing I’ve only got a few days till I begin dieting, cuz I’m gonna need to! At 119 pounds, it’s time to try to change fate here, but I accept that there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to.

We screwed early in the morning and as I figured, no problems getting inside. I’m due for my period any second now.

We mostly spent the day reading. I wrote, listened to music, and worked on my puzzle, too.

Bunny, the cats, Measles, and other birds are outside. I fed them, the pig and mice.

The doorbell rang at noon. I didn’t think it was Miss Bitch in regard to the letter on Christmas Day and a few days after getting the damn thing, and it wasn’t. It was David. He stopped to give us our gifts from them and from Carol and Steven, as they were on their way to Jackie and Jim’s.

We got a star with a face in it that you hang, and a decorative birdcage with a bird in it on a perch. It’s small, at only a few inches square.

Tom’s napping now till I get him up at 5:00. He has to go in to work tonight. He had last night off, though.

It’s been quiet around here. The assholes haven’t been home, I don’t think, cuz I haven’t heard anything. No kids have been out to use the basketball hoop. It’s pretty chilly out there, although I don’t think kids would care.

I forgot to mention that the toys that have been on their front patio for ages next door are gone. Tom said that maybe she reported a prowler that night and took the toys in. I doubt it. The more I think about it, the more I think this calling the cops and taking the toys in, has to do with my letter. On the other hand, I didn’t think she’d get scared enough to call cops and pull in toys. Mad, yes, but scared, I didn’t think so.

I’m utterly amazed that the dog hasn’t been there and again I wonder why. Well, if they gave the dog up for any reason, although I doubt that and am sure it’ll be back, I wonder if she’ll get another dog if she’s this scared over the letter?

Anyhow, the library book I got is so good, so I want to get back to it. Will write more later.

Later…

A little while ago I heard music and was thinking that they figure it’s me behind the letter, so they’re blasting me out. Along with God’s punishment to me and him letting me know a “change” is due and the dog will be back soon enough. Then when I didn’t see any car pull in, I realized it could very well be some car across the street. Lots of houses across the street have lots of cars parked in front. And also, it’s too quiet over there. If they had pulled in, they’d be out playing ball, talking, barbecuing, whatever. I know these people don’t like colder weather, but they would on my behalf. Well, Tom will let me know if there’s a car there when he leaves for work in a few hours. But just in case someone is over there, I don’t want to be seen spying after that letter. That could freak her out into doing something crazy, like shooting at the house.

At this point I really wonder - are these people ever gonna move? Or am I stuck with them till we move?

Later…

Awesome! Oh, how totally awesome! From out back I can see a basketball hoop in the yard where the guard dogs live two houses down. I’m so glad it’s there and not out front and I hope to hell it stays there! This way I shouldn’t hear it like I’d hear it out front cuz the ball’s gonna bounce onto the grass. I’m amazed that they didn’t put it out front, but I won’t complain! Just please God, let them keep it there! This should also deter them from using next door’s hoop, although if God really wants to replace them with other kids, he can and will.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1997 I slept forever last night! And of course, I woke up at the exact same weight I went to bed at. I just have no metabolism whatsoever. I just ate a TV dinner and naturally, I’m still starving, feeling as if I didn’t eat a thing. Most of the time, waking up is hard cuz I wake up so damn hungry, that I almost feel sick. I guess my body’s making up for all those years I ate like a bird and would be full for hours after just a few bites and it’s gonna be so hard to stick to my New Year’s resolution! I’m gonna be so hungry! And on top of severe hunger pains, I have to exercise like hell, but at least I can breathe.

Later…

I guess no one came to the door after all, regarding a certain letter. Of course, I still don’t know if anyone was over there yesterday to get it in the first place.

Tom will be in any minute now and later this morning, we’ll be going to see Mom who’s over at Mary’s. We’ll be bringing the Christmas gifts and they’ll bring them to Jackie and Jim’s. That’s where they’re doing Christmas this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1997 That we know of, no car’s been next door since it left on Sunday. However, at least the bitch has been there, cuz Tom said that there were lights on over there when he left in the evening to go to work on Sunday, and they were off when he came in the next morning. Maybe that’s why I could’ve sworn I heard a car door early yesterday morning. It was the bitch’s ride.

It seems perfectly logical to say that the absence of both him and the dog is due to the holidays, but it still makes no sense to take the dog with him (assuming he’s the one out of town). Why not have her or someone they know come to feed the dog? And if he went somewhere to visit family, why didn’t she go too? Maybe she has to work, or maybe they did break up, but I doubt that. I’m sure he and the dog will be back before the New Year. And with him in the picture, I hate to see how New Year’s Eve is gonna be around here. I think I’ll be asleep for New Year’s Eve, though. That is until the fireworks throughout the city wake me.

Today the bitch will get her letter and I know damn well she’ll come knocking on the door about it, so I won’t even bother to answer. On the other hand, maybe I should, cuz that’d be my excuse to pop her. I just hope she doesn’t take me to court and that God will get me for it in other ways (as if a life without a child isn’t enough). If she does, though, that’ll be fine cuz what happened when Stacey and the butch took me to court will happen - nothing.

Tom did an excellent job with molding roses. He didn’t get powder stuck in his molds, either, like I did.

Kim left a message just wanting to wish me a happy Chanukah and to say hi.

Ma emailed me saying they got their gift and loved it and that they’ll be lighting the first Chanukah candle tonight and hopes I will, too. Jewish holidays always begin at sundown on the previous day. I told Tom I thought it’d be a silly waste of time lighting candles, but he says it’s fun, so it won’t hurt me to do it.

Later…

I’m waiting for my TV dinner, so I won’t say much at this point. Just that I’m still torn between doing nothing about the fact that I can’t have a kid, and going to a doctor and hearing it from an expert. It’s just that I got to thinking about how Tammy said she and Bill always disagree. Well, if Tom heard it from an expert that I was sterile since he doesn’t want to find that out the old-fashioned way, then that’ll be one less thing for us to argue about. Also, I couldn’t claim he was too scared to prove me right or wrong about the sterility if a doctor verified I couldn’t conceive for sure.

On the other hand, I know the truth. Therefore, it shouldn’t matter what he thinks or does.

Later…

I just talked to Kim. The temperature there wasn’t too bad when we spoke, but it was in the process of snowing!

I’ve been trying to reach Paula for a few weeks, but there’s never an answer there. Her phone still exists and I’ve been leaving messages, but who knows what’s up with her?

I wish I could make myself invisible, as well as anywhere I wanted to be at the snap of my fingers. If I could do that, I’d be silently laughing in the corner of their living room next door while they read my letter. If only I could be there to see their reaction.

I can picture her being too pissed off to read it through right away. She may need time to get through a letter like this. I can also picture her stomping up and down and yelling, “It’s her next door! I just know it is!”

As for him, he’d probably calmly read it out loud, in the midst of her screaming, with a baffled expression. It won’t piss him off, though. Not like it’ll piss her off. I know this won’t scare them, but that’s OK, cuz I wanted to piss them off more. Just like they pissed me off. He’ll be pissed and confused. She’ll be pissed. Real pissed!

Anne and Harry - another one that says they’ll write and send pictures, but then doesn’t. It was around this time last year that Ma (Anne) told me she’d send pictures and a letter, but I never got it. Anyway, I sent them a letter. I hope I hear from them this time, but I won’t count on it. At least I know that they’ll read my letter and enjoy hearing from me.

10 AM

I went to call Tammy, but there was no answer. Then I called Larry’s house. No answer. Then I called Larry’s work and was told he’d gone to Florida. So I called my folks. Mom and Dad were there, but Larry, Sandy, and Jen had just left to go shopping.

I wished my folks a Happy Chanukah and told them to tell that to the others, too. Dad said it was hot and humid. I wish it was warm here, but he can have the humidity.

So what are they doing down there, anyway? I thought Larry had basically decided to just stick to occasional phone calls with them, but nothing more since he wasn’t too happy with them. I also thought the trip to Florida would bring back hurtful memories since he and Larry traveled those roads a lot. And lastly, I thought Sandy couldn’t stand Ma.

Well, hopefully, they’ll enjoy their vacation there.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1997 It’s a cold, damp, rainy night, as I write this. It rained all day yesterday and it’s still at it. There was really loud thunder just as I was drifting off to sleep.

Tom and I figured that next door and their dog had to be gone somewhere for the holidays. I was all set to enjoy the peace till their return, but when I got up at 11 PM and looked outside, I saw that the car wasn’t there where I could see it. So, it’s back to the dog and having to listen to the music till I get so fed up again that I wish I could pummel the shit out of Blackie.

Yesterday was a great day and if there was ever a day to be thankful to God for my gift of having a built-in birth control system, it was yesterday. It was fun, different, and a day we could never have had if there had been a kid in the picture. Yeah, I can accept how I am and yeah, I’d say having no kid suits me well after all.

We went at 7 AM to K-Mart’s and spent nearly $300. Most of it was stuff we got for us. He only got an indoor TV antenna that I can remember, but I got lots of things.

We got another box fan, which is a little louder than the last one we got, so now each room has a fan.

For clothes, I got 6 pairs of white socks, a pink satin nightie with spaghetti straps, and a velvety, leopard print short/shirt set. It’s actually something you wear more around the house. The shorts are very short and the top is a tank top.

Got a new laundry basket, too.

I got almost 1000 cute little stickers to decorate my written journals and envelopes, and I gave a few of the holiday ones to Nickolena, Jennifer (Pam’s kid), and Jen (Larry’s kid). I also got those mini stampers that stamp things like palm trees, lips, arrows, paws, etc., each in a different color.

Got two puzzles and another set of 4 curved tubes.

Got 6 very nice journals that are the best I’ve gotten yet at such a bargain price.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything else, I got a high-tech straightening iron. This one’s got a mist in it so as not to be so damaging to the hair as the dry heat is. It also has a comb that you can use if you want to.

For the family, our main theme ended up being lights and puzzles. The younger kids basically got puzzles, the older ones got computer stuff, and the adults mainly got motion sensors with lights and stuff like that.

Later…

I’m keeping my ears peeled now and we’ll see if the shithead comes in for lunch or not. Tom said the car was gone when he left for work at 7:30 last night, and it was gone at 11:00 when I checked, and when he got in at 4:30. So his car didn’t stay there overnight, and I still haven’t heard the dog. Give it time, though. The beast and the music will return. God, this is the longest I’ve had the same asshole neighbors! Well, these assholes are gonna get some lovely mail.

Speaking of assholes, well, that’s Bill for you, and I always said I didn’t like him. Tammy left a message, so I called and asked what was wrong and she told me she and Bill are separated. She said she wasn’t ready to get into it, but it’s basically about his cheating and cutting her down, I guess. She said something about having no freedom in her own home, being made to feel worthless, having not been happy for years, his not being at Lisa’s concert, and the fact that they just never agree (I know that Tammy’s not easy to live with or get along with, either). She said that if she says it’s rainy, he says it’s sunny. I’m both surprised and not surprised that they’re separated. I’m not surprised, cuz most relationships end or have serious troubles. I am surprised since it took 11 years. I thought that since they were together that long, they’d stick it out forever. If there’s any good in being different and of unique qualities like I am, it’s knowing that our marriage won’t fail (cuz it’s the norm for most of them to fail).

So, Bill’s at his parents’ house. They’re now at their house in Florida.

Anyway, I let Tammy know that I’m there for her if she needs to talk. I sent her a note that’ll hopefully cheer her up.

Ma sent home with Tom some really beautiful hand-painted plates. There are two bowls with roses, two floral plates, and one seashell-type plate. I can’t remember the name of it. Anyway, we’ll probably get some plate hangers for them.

I molded a couple of bunnies with that clay and baked them. Tom said they came out great for my first time, but they need work as far as I’m concerned. This clay is hard, so you really have to knead it to soften it up. We had no talcum powder to dust the molds with to make pulling the clay out of it easier, so I used pussy powder. A medicated powder that freshens you up down there when you’re ragging.

It’s a ghost town in the mice’s cages now since they’re more nocturnal. Most of them are now asleep in various burrows.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1997 Yesterday, Tom said he wondered if the car moved at all from next door on Friday. I hope it sits there all weekend and blocks the basketball hoop, I told him. Well, I did sleep just fine yesterday and got up while he was still asleep, so I’ll have to ask him if he heard their dog or if he heard or saw the car leave. It’s out there now, though. I had had an intermittent vibe about some change taking place around this time. It is weird that suddenly the dog appears to be gone and the car just sits there. Maybe the dog attacked him, so they shot it, and he’s in the hospital. Don’t I wish! I just wish they’d move the fuck on and get out of here.

I was up for a little while before I’d completed my sleep, actually. I got up to pee and saw that there were two packages from Kim, and I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep without seeing what was in them first. One had two little house mouse pictures. Fittingly, I put them in back of the mice’s aquarium. There was also a 3-D picture in a glass frame (the glass broke, but I won’t tell her that), and vanilla-scented lotion. This was really nice of her to send and I shall thank her right away, of course.

Later…

I’m amazed that Andy hasn’t called yet.

See? My husband really can be such a liar and a procrastinator. He promised he’d tackle the back room this weekend, but he has yet to touch it. I thought my not smoking was supposed to motivate him. Or was that just another one of his lies to get me to do something he wants?

When Tom was picking up Christmas gifts for his family yesterday, he got a little cordless pump. We were able to drain the last few inches of water that was left in the pool and Jacuzzi.

He also got a couple of push molds. One’s of roses and leaves, one’s of bunnies. He also got pink and green clay. However, I can’t do much with these now, cuz we need talcum powder to dust the molds with so that they don’t stick. These are very small molds, but they’re cute.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1997 Maybe Tom really can count my cycle better than I can. At least for this month. He says I’m due for my period on the 28th. I had thought it was due on Christmas, but I sure as hell don’t feel like my period’s just 5 days away. And also, what luck with the tits! For the last several months, my tits were murderous after just 1-2 weeks after my period, but this month they’re virtually free of soreness. I wonder why?

Watch - if we screw this weekend, Tom will have no problem at least getting in there, since he knows it’s the wrong time for a fertile woman to catch anything. Well, he’s not gonna be the only liar in this household from now on. He’ll say he wants the kid he doesn’t want. Meanwhile, I’ll be saying I don’t want the kid I do want. Maybe that’ll be the only way to get him to curb his games and for me to deal with it and avoid another 4 years of this bullshit.

I liked the form that Bob enclosed in his letter to me today that says: Every day of my life I’m forced to add another name to the list of people who just piss me the fuck off! Then there is a cartoon character looking angry and numbers 1-5 with lines next to them for that list. I think this ought to go to the freeloaders, along with their letter.

My schedule is about the worst it can be for a weekend with the people that live around here. Between all the door slamming and probable ball games that’ll occur, who knows just how peacefully I’ll sleep?

I still haven’t heard the dog and he’s still parking in front of the carport like he does in the winters. If the dog’s still there, and I don’t see how it couldn’t be there, I’ll know it by the next time I go to bed for sure, which will be around noon. I’m sure it’s just cuz of my schedule, that’s the reason why I haven’t heard it. The music would be more of a problem than it has been (at least that I’ve been aware of) if the dog were gone. And of course, you never know if Tom’s been leveling with me as far as what he may have heard.

Maybe he didn’t leave at 7 AM yesterday after all. His car was there when I looked at 8:30, all the way till I crashed, which was close to noon.

Later…

Now I really, really wonder if the dog’s gone. It seems to be gone, cuz it’s just been too quiet. No early evening fits. No breakfast time fits. On weekends I’d hear it more cuz the assholes are home more then.

If the dog’s gone - why? I really wonder. Why?

We screwed earlier and yup - no problem getting in there. No problem getting in on the side, no problem getting in up top. We really ought to screw more often before and after my period.

Tom brought up an interesting possibility. Could the dramatic decrease in nicotine be why my tits are less sore? I never heard anything about nicotine causing tit soreness. Only caffeine and pregnancy, but I’ll never have to worry about that one now, will I?

I was laughing my ass off at the thought of a certain Christmas gift for his family, not that we’d ever get any such thing. My family would’ve gotten a kick out of it, though. I’m talking about puke. Fake puke made out of a rubbery plastic. My folks, Larry, Tammy, Nana, Pa, and I, were once fooling around with a piece of puke like that one Chanukah night when I was around 8 years old.

I remember a glass of wine you couldn’t drink from, too. The liquid was inside the bottom and sides of the glass.

Tom told me the fly in the ice cube was popular when he was about that age (right around when I was born), but I’ve never heard of it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1997 I really wonder now, if the dog’s not gone from next door. This is due to how he’s parked his car in front of the carport for the last few days, and the fact that I’ve heard no barking. Tom said he heard “soft whimpering” that sounded close by, though, but he wouldn’t tell me if it was next door; said he didn’t know. I’m pretty sure it was next door, though, and that he knew it. He’s tried to weasel out of admitting next door’s dog was doing certain barking fits, by saying that it was close, or in that direction.

Cuz of my schedule, I can’t say how the music’s been cuz I haven’t been up when he comes in for lunch or at the end of his day.

The fact that the weekend is now here really stresses me out, cuz you never know what they’re gonna do, or who’s gonna think about playing ball.

We’re gonna be getting an inkjet printer and a flatbed scanner and getting rid of this dot matrix printer that’s so old.

Right now, this lady who’s fortunate enough to have music and art come to her naturally still isn’t feeling as fortunate as she’d like to over the fact that never getting pregnant comes to her naturally as well. God really went all out not just to make me unique, different, and abnormal, he went all out to see to it that I’m just such a naturalist in so many ways. I always did say, after all, that the rarer something is, the easier it comes to me, and the more common it is, the harder it is to do or obtain. Well, I guess all I can do is remind myself that we all want what we can’t have at some point in our lives. If I hadn’t wanted a kid or didn’t care either way, we’d have had that, but then I’d be wishing for something else. Had our sex lives been normal, I’d just wish for something different, something unique.

To my utter amazement, Andy went a few days without calling me. Then he said something about it being “several” days since we talked, in a way that implied that it had been weeks. He knows I’m more tied up on weekends and hate to talk then, so he’ll make it a point to call, I’m sure. God, if you won’t send him Mr. Right for him, please do so for me. That’d get him off my case somewhat if his attention could be tied up in a guy.

I felt bad about going off on him when he was all panicked about his pot desires (he’s been clean for a month). I didn’t mean for my best friend to call me, needing a shoulder to cry on, just to get insulted, but I not only hate the phone - I’ve got a life. It may not be much of one compared to most people, and it may never be the ideal life I dream of, but I have more than phones and TV. I swear, all this guy knows is phones, food, and TV when he’s not working or getting high. I know what he’s going through. I know what it’s like to endure the hardships of quitting a substance you’ve been both physically and psychologically addicted to for years. I know what it’s like to be deprived of a natural, common thing your heart, mind, and body cries out for (love/child), but as I told him, these daily messages about things in general, when we’re not panicking, aren’t necessary. Too much is too much. I loved it years ago, but I’ve moved on, unlike him. What I mean by that is that there’s always gonna be areas in my life where I just can’t move on. On the other hand, I have moved on, gotten a life, and matured. Andy’s changed, too, in wonderful ways. He’s not selfish and insensitive like he used to be, but Andy’s still Andy for the most part. He still lives on phones, he still seeks and attracts losers, and he hasn’t grown intellectually. So, you could say I have mixed emotions about Andy and his life. As his friend, and as someone who knows what it’s like to be denied something that everyone should have, I want to listen to him. At the same time, I’ve got my own problems and my own thing that I’ve been denied that everyone should have. Or at least have a choice in the matter. And also, there’s nothing I can do for him. I don’t want to be rude and negative and depress him even more by reminding him that he’ll never find love, that it’s not meant to be, and all that shit.

Later…

Every day this week, the asshole next door left at 7 AM. There’s been no music, but this is the first time I’ve ever known the freeloader to be consistent about the time he leaves. Usually, he leaves at 7:30 one day, 8:30 the next, and it varies.

Once I’m done with this 12-week bullshit here, I may continue to use the Nicorette gum. They say not to use it past 12 weeks, but how can it hurt me? It’s just nicotine. There’s no tar or carbon monoxide or anything that can hurt me in it. It’s just that I’m still having such cravings! For the most part, although I do feel healthier, I don’t feel any different now, than I did the day I quit. It’s really disappointing to know that it’s still such a big deal to me, although I figured as much. If only Tom could’ve kept his fucking word and promise! If he just would stop with the fucking games! And if God would just let me have the kid! That’d go a long, long way towards making sure I didn’t go back to the smokes, but God’s not gonna allow me no kid here, and Tom will always be Tom. I have to just settle for better health and saved money as reason enough to keep sticking this out. I know that that’s plenty reason enough, but you know how I feel.

I still wish I could know that I’d see the cigarettes, eventually, as I see other things. Take my earliest journals, for example. I know that the girl who wrote those and who lived that life and those experiences was me, yet it seems like a whole different lifetime ago, a whole different person, a whole different life. Even though I still like to write, still have long hair, and still love to sing, living on Oswego St. seems so very far away. So very far behind me, way deep in the past. If only I could see cigarettes that way; as something I used to do a long, long time ago. Something that I remember, but that’s also vague and long gone from my life.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1997 Got a letter from Kim today and I loved the cactus stationery and envelope she used. She’s having a very typical problem right now with Walter. He doesn’t think he wants kids. Is that classic male, or what?

Well, that’ll be a part of my New Year’s resolution. Since quitting smoking certainly can’t be a part of it, it’ll be to lose weight get fit again, and accept that nothing I can do can ever turn my dream of having a child into a reality. It just ain’t meant to be, my husband doesn’t want that, and I have to deal with it, accept it, and move on. I can’t change fate, Tom can’t, a doctor can’t, and God won’t. I have to trust that God had good intentions for denying me a child and that it’s not to torture and punish me. He has to obviously have good reasons to have felt that a child wasn’t worth making me handle. Yes, he could’ve made sure I was able enough to handle it, then gave it to me, but he didn’t. So he’s got to have damn good reasons that’d make perfect sense to me if I knew for sure what they were and had more than just theories about it. No God does this to a woman without a reason, so I have to count on God to know what he’s doing and live with it. That’s all I can do anyway, and something I read got me thinking. I was reading a part in a book where this guy realizes that he turned his back on a gift God gave him and was sorry he didn’t appreciate this gift. Well, is this a gift? Is this, in fact, a gift in disguise? Maybe I’ve been looking at this child-denial thing all wrong. Perhaps it is a gift. A natural built-in birth control system that enables me to live life in the way that no parent could. That allows me to experience and do things that no parent could, or that would be very hard for a parent to do. And perhaps there’s even more to it and it’s much more of a gift than I could ever realize.

Well, gift or curse - it just is. And there’s nothing I can do about it, so I may as well learn to live with it and accept it now, so I don’t have to have another handful of sad years over it. If I just deal with it, my life shouldn’t be so hard. I’ll just concentrate on what I do have, look at the bright side of having no kid, and make a game of it if it’ll help. Something like - see how good I am and lucky at dodging pregnancy every month, without the expense and hassles of birth control. Being denied something as natural as a child should also make me stronger in the end.

Is the dog gone again next door? I don’t remember hearing it bark yesterday or today. A highly unusual case. They wouldn’t take it indoors. Not for this long, anyway, and its prime barking time is early evenings. I didn’t hear it, so I wonder if they’re gonna work around the yard some more. I wish I could say that they’re moving and it’s just over at the new place waiting for them there, but I know better.

My schedule is now on nights, so I can’t be sure, but to my knowledge, the music hasn’t been a big deal.

With my emotional state being so bad, I don’t know if I wrote about our holiday present from my folks. They sent a bunch of treats - cheeses, cakes, cookies, etc.

I still want my cigarettes half the time, but it’s either smoke or crave, and cravings are my trade-off for not smoking. The Nicorette program will be sending me my award certificate.

The rabbit, who never wants to come inside lately, killed one of my cactuses, and I’m sure he’ll kill the others, too.

Of the mice with the markings, no two are alike, so I can tell Shy and Ziggy from their babies. However, Cocoa, who’s solid brown, is gonna blend right in with her babies as soon as they’re her size.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1997 I not only thought I couldn’t love someone as much as I love Tom, but I never thought it was possible to have so much resentment towards the same person you love that much. It’s amazing how some people can be so loving on one side, and then have this deceptive streak on the other side.

He let himself in there yesterday and seems to be making more “effort” to make more time for us to get together (perhaps as a cover), but I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I may as well just take care of myself or forget it, cuz I no longer feel a damn thing when we’re together, except for when we’re just lying there, and I don’t wish we could screw a lot like I always used to. I guess it’s just much easier to accept a life without normal sex than it is to accept a life without a child, but I’ve got to do something - anything - to get over it. Even if God would allow them to fix my plumbing and me to conceive, no doctor can force a guy to get off regularly, and he’d just put a guilt trip on me about it and fight the doctors, so why waste our time? It’s like trying to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be helped. He did say he was sorry that he’s inadequate sexually and he promised to never give me timetables again. This and his offer to go to a doctor helps, but it still won’t change things. Timetables would’ve been fine if he’d stuck to them and followed through on his word. He also promises no more bullshit “cures.” First, it was that we needed to get inside me comfortably, then we just had to do it more often, then sleep in the same room, have me dress in street clothes to make my being nude more special, share the same bed, quit smoking, and on and on and on. I’m sure there are more things that he claimed he was 100% sure would make him cum full-time, etc.

As I said the other day, I’m sure all my theories on why a kid’s not meant to be for me is right, but I just wish I could know that God’s intentions for this weren’t of a punishing, hurtful nature. That wouldn’t change my desires, though. Only time can do that. I hope! Just cuz other desires have changed or been outgrown - you never know. Hopefully, I won’t live a life of always wanting the child I’m 1000% sure I can never have, cuz that’s a depressing and scary thought. Besides trying to focus on the good in never having a kid and the blessings I do have, perhaps there are other coping tactics I’m missing. Perhaps if I make more of a game out of it, or maybe pretend that some things are different at times, maybe then I’ll be able to live with it a lot easier.

I wish I could say that I could live with not smoking a hell of a lot easier, but it’s still hard! I get several powerful urges a day. I know that it’d be easier if I could’ve had a kid to quit for and if things weren’t so shitty with the same two fucking never-ending issues, and a part of me thinks about smoking again, not just cuz I miss that, but to spite Tom and put a guilt trip on him. That wouldn’t work, though. Not the guilt part of it, cuz it’d be the other way around. I’d feel guilty on my own and he’d be sure to help ensure I felt that way, too.

At least I don’t have a million problems. It’s just two things - sex and sterility. Most of the time I have many more problems, although you could count my schedule problem as a problem, too. The reason why I don’t list the freeloaders as a problem, even though they are, is cuz that one’s solvable in the long run. We won’t always be neighbors. However, we’ll always have freaky sex, I’ll always be sterile, and I’ll never be able to maintain a normal schedule of any kind.

And if there’s any good news to report - the freeloaders didn’t wake me up. No ball games or music all day, according to Tom, but I heard him come in at a volume that wasn’t the worst, nor was it the greatest, after I’d been up a while. That’s OK. I’m taking care of those freeloaders, though. They hear me, too. If they don’t, then they’re either deaf or God’s protecting them from my late-night noise. I’m not gonna send them hate mail too soon (where I claim to be a Klan member and write wacky stuff, even though I hate them and not their color), cuz it’s too soon after they just had a party. I know I’ll be high on their list of suspects, but why make it too obvious? That’d spoil the fun.

Tom did some checking on acreage and property out where it’s more secluded, but not too secluded. The good news is that we won’t need the 35,000 or so he thought we’d need to move, but this isn’t gonna happen tomorrow or the next day, either. We may have to go it the long way, so to speak, and settle for a small place till we can build a bigger place, but if that’s what it’ll take to get out of here sooner - fine!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1997 Now, for the other ongoing problem around here - Tom has really gotten carried away with the sex games like never before. This shit has totally escalated that my desire to be close to him has never been lower. He went down on me earlier, which is the number one way to get me off, but I couldn’t cum.

If it weren’t for the millions of other things I love so much about him, I wouldn’t take his lies, games, teasing, and all his shit that makes me so sad, angry and frustrated. He’s really playing me for a fool here, and if there’s anything that’s changed, it’s that I finally said no. For the longest time, I kept asking for it, too, in a sense cuz I’d keep allowing him to play around with me in bed (in the wrong kind of way). Well, he told me to let him have a few hours of sleep and then come join him in bed. I told him no. If we’re not gonna have sex, then I’m not gonna play games, either.

Before I get into what’s been going on, not that it’s anything new, let me just say that I’ve been wondering more and more about a certain theory of mine. I know Tom’s reasons for making sure our sex is such a hardship, and I have my many theories as to why God’s hand in this matter exists, as well as why I’m sterile. Besides God not thinking I could handle a kid, or cuz of compensation, his beef with Jews, etc., I’ve been thinking of that gay theory more and more.

I don’t believe gayness is a sin. I believe we should follow our hearts when and if we can and that as long as we’re not hurting anybody when it comes to sex, it’s OK to have mutual sex with the same sex. Meanwhile, as I’ve said before, God has different standards and different ideas of what each of us should be doing. Obviously, God can’t hate gays that much, cuz if he did, he could’ve made sure gays never existed. I wonder more and more, though, if he felt that for me, it was a big sin. Maybe he feels that cuz I had what he felt was unnatural sex for me, he’s ensuring our sex is abnormal (along with Tom’s own reasons to help ensure this). And maybe he feels that I abused nature and therefore, he’s gonna deny me a child, which is an act of nature for a woman to carry and to have.

I’m sure that all my theories are pretty much right on the money, and I can’t make God allow me a child, but I wish to hell that Tom would quit his shit once and for all. I know a big part of why he’s been controlling the sex and having it be so abnormal (aside from his fears and the sheer fun of it), is cuz of when we got married. He still feels like I literally forced him into marrying me when we did and that cuz of that, he had to buy the house illegally. He’d have preferred us to wait a few months later, but my benefits had stopped right before our wedding and we had both thought at that time that they wouldn’t extend my medical benefits for a few more months as we found out they would after. I told him yet again, though, I did not make him marry me. I did not put a leash around his neck and drag him to Vegas. He could’ve put his foot down, but he didn’t. Then he says gonna put his foot down as far as making no more promises and timetables about me conceiving and as far as things we can do to ensure better sex and all that bullshit. He told me to take December off to just think about it, but that he’s offering to go to a doctor in January. Yeah, well, he doesn’t fool me. I see the deception in this offer. He won’t let them help us any more than God would. He’d fight them all the way.

He really has a lot of nerve and really turns me off the way he denies our situation and turns around and pins the blame on me and accuses me of doing just what he’s doing.

He tried to tell me that it’s really primetime on the 13th, 14th and 15th, which is, in fact, a few days too late. When I was really prime time, he just couldn’t get it in there. He’s played this fucking game 5 times in a row. The last 5 times, no joke, he just wouldn’t get in there! Is this sick or what? He didn’t have any problem getting in there before. Before it was prime time for a real woman and before it was the time he said he’d follow through with his bullshit promise. He promised me he’d cum at least 5 days in a row. I knew it was bullshit. I knew he was just playing games, lying and teasing, and I could see the enjoyment that he’d deny, written all over his face. I’d see the smirks, I’d hear the giggles, and it’s fucking cruel! Just downright abusive, mean, cold and cruel!

Then out of the blue, he turns things on me and tells me I’m really scared to have a kid. Beyond the normal anxieties (as if he isn’t one bit scared himself). He actually said something we agree on, or say we do, anyway. Yes, I’ll admit that my fears do run deeper than others who have never had kids before. It’s mainly cuz of my schedule problem and cuz of the thought of having to get up a million times a day for so long. But at least, if God had allowed it, I’d have conquered my fears and I wouldn’t have let them stop me from getting pregnant. Tom’s too scared and too busy getting off on his sick games and lies to get me pregnant if I could’ve had that. And he won’t admit his true feelings, fears, and where he’s really coming from. He goes right back into denial and says things that really piss me the fuck off like, “I’m offering to go to a doctor, I offered to do it the natural way, too.” But he wouldn’t follow through with his “offer” to do it the natural way and see that I’m right about the sterility! Then he goes on to say that if I felt too scared to have a kid, he’d still want a kid, but I’m more important and he’d accept it if I was too scared to have a kid, cuz I’m his number one. Isn’t that supposed to be me saying that to him? Well, I have told him that and that I’d still love him if he just came out and admitted that he didn’t want to have a child, but the games and teasing pertaining to sex and proving sterility, are obviously that important to him, that he has to lie about it and say he does want a kid when he doesn’t.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1997 And the stress and depression continue! There’s no way I’m gonna remember every little thing I thought and felt about the last few days, but I’ll do my best.

First off, I know that the only way to stop the music problem would be for them to either move, or be shot dead, and since neither of these things is gonna happen (at least not for a while), well, I’m not gonna totally sit back and take this shit anymore, either. I am gonna make myself heard in different ways, too, and I am gonna terrorize them in other ways, and God can do whatever the fuck he wants to me for it. I had started a “hate” letter to them, then ripped it up figuring things would get worse and that I’d only get punished for it since I can’t get away with shit, but things got worse and I got cursed anyway. Therefore, if God’s gonna have things done to me by his own hand or by the hands of others, I may as well deserve it, for crying out loud! Fuck this shit with me being the receiver and never the giver of noise around here. I made trouble in the past and got trouble back for it. Then I tried getting my act together and playing it the nice way, but I still get shit on for it, so what’s the fucking point? Why should I sit and listen to them, while I worry that I don’t practice what I preach? Well, fuck that shit, cuz from now on, we’re gonna hear each other. I’m not gonna hear them; we’re gonna hear each other! Tomorrow evening after he leaves for work at 7:30, they’re gonna have to hear my music for a good hour or more. Then they’ll have to wake up when I say so at 3 AM. I admit that they haven’t woken me up, but they will. And yes, they would’ve if I had slept just a little later today, past 2 PM which is when these freeloaders come alive, but I’ll get into that after.

No more of this 1-sided shit here. I know they exist and they’re gonna have to know I do, too, cuz I’ll be sending the hate mail and much more. Yes, God will punish me further for it and yes, Tom’s bound to find out and maybe the cops will question me, but I don’t care! The bitch told me she was sick of my shit. The first thing I told her was that I thought it was pretty ironic that she’s telling me she’s sick of my shit, yet she’s the one dishing it. She and loverboy that is. Well now black bitch, you’ll have a real reason to be sick of my shit!

Tom’s pissed off that I’m being so hateful and bigoted, but hey, I’m pissed off at him for lying to me and for his games, so I guess we’re even. And no, I have no guilt about breaking my promise to not do anything to them. Not when he’s broken promises to me. I’ll keep the one about not hurting them physically, cuz they know too many people. Usually, the more of a self-absorbed asshole you are, the more people you know, cuz there are more bad people than good. So people like these freeloaders can find more people that have things in common with them than we can. My point is if I did beat the shit out of them, they may be afraid to face me or to blast music, they may even move, and they may be too embarrassed to take it to the law, but I’m sure they’d have their so-called pals come after me or this house. I can’t defend myself against bunches of freeloaders, nor can I ward off bullets or fire. As far as my hate, well, right now it’s awfully hard to keep in mind that there’s good and bad in all kinds. Once one of us moves, then it’ll be easier to see that, but right now, I see just about all of them as nothing but scum. We all want to do for our own selves to a degree. We all have our hobbies, dreams and things we like to do that comforts, interests and pleases us, and that’s fine. It’s those who have to involve others that don’t want to be involved in their self-pleasing ways, interests and lifestyles, that I’ve got a problem with. I’ve never insisted that they listen to my music with me or that they listen to my animals, too, etc. The fact that they like music and that they want a dog is fine, but what’s that got to do with me, huh? Why should I be included in all this, too? Well if I’m gonna be, I’m gonna include them into my lifestyle, too. When I say it’s time to listen to music, that means them too, and when I’m up, they’re up.

Tom and Andy agree, too, that these kinds of stereos with the massive bass kick that’s vented out of trunks (or else it’d blow a car apart) should be outlawed, but they’ll never be. There’s too much money tied into it, not to mention all the lonely and selfish sick fucks out there that have to get attention. Everyone’s got a “hear me” obsession and they want everyone to notice them. This should also prove what an immature society we’re dealing with too, when Tom brought up a good point about status symbols. The people that are most snobby and insecure with themselves have to have a bassy stereo cuz that’s saying how they’re oh so much better. I can see a child trying to prove they’re better than another classmate, or trying to prove themselves to their parents, but when teenagers and adults feel they have to prove themselves to a city of strangers, they’ve got problems. And their self-esteem is even lower than mine’s ever been or ever could be if they feel they have to beg for the approval of just anybody. I don’t give a fuck about proving myself to some stranger across town, and why should some stranger a few streets away give a shit about what I think of them? These freeloaders could really have my approval if they’d stop being so rude and selfish.

After I go take a much-needed break with some music (that’ll be just for me out of headphones, since Tom’s asleep), I’ll write about today’s party. He wasn’t here this time last year, therefore, I didn’t know that today was the kid’s birthday, but I do now, naturally. I don’t know about Christmas, but New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are gonna be a nightmare around here!

Later…

I’m now on step 3 - a piece of gum every 4-8 hours and it is hard! I miss my cigarettes sooooooo much! And it fucking figures that I gotta enter this step when the music becomes a problem again and when they decide to party. The party could’ve been worse, though, if it hadn’t been a kid’s birthday party. I thought it was gonna go well into the night like 10:00 or later, but they wrapped it up just as we got in.

Last night, he let me know something was gonna be going on or changing or coming to the house like he always does. First I heard the music softly, then a so-so volume, then a loud one.

I had gotten up around 2 PM and was pleased that no ball games woke me up. (probably tomorrow, though) Then I was out back a little later to feed the rabbit and cats when I saw a huge elephant next door. If that sounds crazy, let me be more descriptive. It was something you blow up, like a raft, only kids can jump around inside the thing. It’s like a blown-up elephant house. I wondered how the hell they could afford it, but Tom thinks that it’s the kid’s grandfather, whom we’ve seen come visit here and there, that rented it. Yeah, I’d say so. Anyway, I was surprised that the kids weren’t that noisy. You could hear them out back, but they were no problem from indoors, nor did they play ball. That’s cuz they couldn’t. There were so many cars parked in their driveway and in front of our house, in front of the house next to them on the other side, and in front of at least 3 houses across the street. We never saw so many cars there before. It was the door slamming and music that was nerve-wracking. Now I will admit that no, the music hasn’t been really, really loud like that Saturday night when he just sat there with it blaring about a month ago. And of course, Tom’s still oh so sure that there are steps that can be taken that’ll be guaranteed to stop the music in the end. Yeah, he thinks he’s got all the answers when it comes to sex and neighbors. Even if he was right about that, these steps would take forever. So in my mind, I’m compromising with Tom and God. I won’t beat the snot out of them, but I’ll make their lives just as stressful, I’ll be just as annoying, and I’ll be just as heard.

Tom did me a wonderful favor a good hour or so into the party. We needed to do some errands anyway, so we went to the pet store. I got a big bale of the regular pine bedding that we use to do all the cages with and a small bag of that potent cedar bedding. All 3 litters are really getting around now and at times, there are mice everywhere! All hyped up and playful and they’re like a bunch of kids in a playground. They’re so cute! But there’s nowhere near enough wheels to go around for everyone. I have a total of 6 wheels, but there’s one I don’t have room for, so I got a small wheel. One that’s perfect for mice, but one that’d be too small for a hamster or a gerbil. Now each of the Play City cages has a wheel and the aquarium’s got 3. One of them is the giant wheel that Teddy Bear was using when he lived with the big guys. We also looked at cat stuff. They really have a lot of clever toys, litter boxes, and beds for them. So besides bedding and the wheel, we also got food and one of those shred-a-beds. Rodents like to claw and dig, as well as chew, and GPs and rabbits may like to burrow, but mice like to nest and burrow.

Then we went to Ma’s house, even though she was at Mary’s for the weekend. Tom left the checkbook that’s from our joint account in his car (we had been driving Ma’s car). We drank a soda over there after I used the bathroom, and then I wrote out the Chanukah checks to Tammy’s girls in the amount of their ages.

Lastly, we went downtown, hoping to see some pretty holiday lights/decorations, but there wasn’t anything too thrilling to see.

We came home then, and the party had pretty much broken up. The elephant was taken away, too.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1997 I have so much to say regarding the last few miserable days I’ve had, but I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I had things worded perfectly in my head as the events of the last few days unfolded, but now everything is all blurred into one in my mind.

I’ve basically entered the peak of the “giving up” stage, so to speak. Even though there’s nothing to give up - well - you know what I mean. My fists are unclenching more and more as I realize more and more how hopeless it is to try to fight fate. That’s the basic issue for me lately and I’ll break it down into detail, even if it’s the same old sob story I’ve already written about time and time again, after Andy and the freeloaders.

Andy - he came over last night. I liked all but a few of the clothes Laura gave me. This time, there was a wider variety of things. There were halters, shirts, shorts, pants, nightgowns, etc.

I gave him clothes to give to Laura and an extra comforter for him.

Before I get to freeloader news, Teddy Bear’s gone. Tom buried him out back.

Marty had his second open-heart surgery, so now he’s even with my dad. Mom’s in a hotel with Ruth in Miami. That’s where he had his surgery done and I guess that’s the only place there was an available team. I’ll send a card soon.

Freeloaders - the dog’s back to its 2-3-hour barking fit in the early evenings, and now the freeloader is back to its music shit, too. It’ll get louder and louder and more and more often. Nothing I can do can stop it, short of shooting the bastard dead. They can do wrong and get away with it, God don’t give a shit, and my husband, who thinks he knows it all, will waste his time with city/government letters. I told him the letter would either be ignored or useless, but he just doesn’t get it. He’ll make up any excuse and say that this will work and that that’ll work just to keep me from going over there and beating that black ass red. Fine! I’ll just let them force their music on me, I’ll sit back and take it, and not do a damn thing about it. Why should I bother after all? God would just replace me with a new source of noise, and of course, tomorrow or the next day or both, I’ll have to get up when the basketball game starts.

I’m still rather distraught here, so I’ll continue later.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1997 I should’ve known better than to even think for a second that there could be a reason for my quitting smoking. As logical as it seems that there should be and that that’d only be fair, life isn’t fair. Maybe it’s so I won’t be wheezing my ass off as much when I get woken up at least every other weekend by the weekend basketball game. There’s no way this fan and this noise machine, even together, are gonna beat out that ball bouncing just a few feet away. Someone might as well go hammering on the outside of the bedroom wall.

Last night was the third time in a row that he just “couldn’t” get in there. I’ve been cumming less and less myself these last few months. That’s cuz I’m just so sick of the lying and the teasing. And as always, God is of no help. He doesn’t care. No, he couldn’t care less. Tom’s latest line, excuse, whatever, for his sudden inability to know how to fuck, is that couples that have been together for a while, tend to become used to certain routines, that people assume too much, and therefore fall out of sync. This is utter and total bullshit. That’s like saying that the more you practice sign language, the more trouble you’ll have with it. How stupid and naïve does he think I am? He also claims that I couldn’t know this, but when you’ve been with a guy for a long time, it’s normal to have trouble getting in there at times. Yeah, right! With the exception of when it was too painful for me, Ron never had a problem, and I was with him on and off for 6-7 months. Bruce didn’t have a problem, and Al and Mark wouldn’t have had a problem if it weren’t so painful for me then. Al had premature ejaculation.

Jesus Christ! Can next door slam their car doors any harder? At least I didn’t hear any music, but it must be a tough job to rig a dog up to a car. If it’s not attached to the car, then it can definitely reach it. He’s gotta be parking deep in there for the dog to protect that stereo for sure. This all began after I screamed at them last July. Maybe the city did contact him after all, cuz if the music’s gonna stop, the door slamming’s gonna escalate.

Anyway, as I was saying, I just don’t know how many more years of excuses, lies, and games I can take here and it’s really weird, cuz out of bed, I always feel loved and completely unabused, but in bed, half the time I feel like a sex toy who’s head and whole being, actually, is being abused.

First he couldn’t get in from our side position, then he couldn’t get in up top. Then I said - to hell with it - and got up. Then he claims he wanted to screw, he wants a child, he would’ve gotten it in there, and he would’ve cum. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding?! Now he tells me that if I’ll let him, and if I’ll be patient and not give up, he’ll get in there for the next few nights, and cum, too. Yeah, and I’ll be a millionaire for the next few nights, too.

It all comes down to the same thing - I’m sterile, God doesn’t give a shit, Tom doesn’t want a kid, and we’ll never have one. Even if his sex drive suddenly soared out of control and he got over his fears and came like hell, do you really think God would allow me a child? Hell no!

It’s too bad Paula never sent me the pictures she said she’d send, but what did I expect? I don’t think she has a camera, but she said something about buying one. At least she calls periodically. Shelly never even did that and despite the shit she was going through, I felt like our friendship was totally 1-sided. That’s typical of what God would have for me, too. The only difference is that I stopped going along with it one day. I love Shelly dearly and I’ll always appreciate her looking out for me back then, but it wouldn’t be fair, as unfair as life is, for me to be the one to do all the calling and writing.

Speaking of calls, Andy said he’s keeping really busy with work so he doesn’t think of pot. Therefore, he doesn’t have time to call NA groups to set something up with them or with a therapist. Then how is it that he has the time to call me every day? I told him for the hundredth time, that unless something’s wrong, I’d prefer not to talk every day, but it’s gone in one ear and out the other as always.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1997 Well, God got me back for all the people I woke up during my years of prank calls. Now he’s getting me on the annoyance part of it. I’m really sick of these “unavailables” that call several times a day. I still think most of them are from someone we know, but even so, I’m tired of being interrupted when I’m trying to write, do dishes, or whatever. I can’t just write off every call, too, and assume it’s the “unavailables,” either. What if it were his mother in need of help? So, if I’m in the back, I have to stop what I’m doing and run up front to see the caller ID box.

I told Tom that we might want to think about getting an unlisted number.

Another phone annoyance, that’s nothing new, is Andy. I feel kind of trapped here since on one hand, this is my best friend who I care about. Therefore, I want to know what’s going on with him. On the other hand, these daily calls can really get to be a pain in the ass, but he never gives up.

Andy and I will probably get together this Thursday unless something comes up with him. If something does come up with him, he’ll probably just dump the clothes Laura has for me off out back and I’ll leave the clothes and comforter I’ve got for them out back, too.

I still have several cigarette cravings a day, and history is repeating itself again with the weight. With the exception of when I starve myself, cuz anyone that stops eating will lose weight. And if they don’t, they’ve got something wrong with them. However, it seems a common thing for me that if I try to lose the weight without starving, I just can’t. But then when I say - screw it - and not do a damn thing about it, it just comes off. I only went from 118 to 114, and I’m sure that by now I’m already back to 116 since I just ate and since I have a slow-motion metabolism, but we’ll see. Maybe it’ll keep going down and get somewhat close to 100, although I seriously doubt that.

I have a slight, and I mean very slight, change-vibe concerning next door that came on just the other day. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it to mean much of anything, though, cuz it’s so weak of a vibe, but we’ll see.

Gizzy’s two babies, Tanner and Spot, are really growing up and are getting around a lot better now. The others are just beginning to get around, too, but are still nursing. One of Shy’s babies is quite original-looking. It’s got a black circle around one eye, like an eye patch, so I’ve been calling this one Patch.

I just heard that scraping noise from next door and I think I know what it is. When I’m outside, I can hear the dog’s chain sliding around as it moves and I think this “plastic” sound, is a big bowl that it slides around when it’s hungry. I still wish these people would decide they hate dogs and would get rid of it. I can’t believe God allowed me a whole year and a half with no dog over there in the first place, but that’s just cuz he knew there’d be loud music instead. That compensated for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly lived where there was never a sound, then was made to just wake up too soon on my own by him constantly.

About an hour ago was another botched attempt at sex. It was a fun, pleasant surprise when he initiated it. I didn’t expect it till tonight (we’re gonna screw then, too), but between last night and today, it’s just too obvious that something up there doesn’t want things to work out, and I wonder about him, too. Last night was too hot and yes, it got warm in here, and yes, he was sweating, but he’s sweated before and still got off. Today, it just wouldn’t go in there. Why do God and Tom keep putting me through the same old shit? And why do I let them? Why can’t Tom see that I’m sterile, admit that he’s not gung-ho for a kid, and let all else alone? And why can’t God, who knows he’ll never allow me a child, just leave us alone in bed? God’s always got to interfere, and Tom’s always got to get cold feet. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding when he says he’s gonna cum more than once over the next few days? And then further his bullshit by saying I’ll conceive this month! I’m glad he’s putting more effort into making more time for us to get together, but why must he include so much bullshit into the deal? Can’t we just have normal, full-time fun without the lies?

I guess all I can do is what I always try to do - look at the bright side of never having a child. Besides the question of how I could ever deal with it, how could Andy deal with it? If he cries neglected and cut off from his best friend now, then how could he have handled it if there had been a kid, cuz then I’d have been even less available to play phone with him? And it’s not pleasant to think of how my family would’ve reacted to it. Not Larry or Tom’s family, but Tammy and my parents. I wouldn’t have needed to hear all the shit they’d have had to say that would’ve just led to even more paranoia and self-doubt. They’d have spoiled the exciting part of it. Both Tammy and my mother, but more so my mother, are very self-absorbed people and if you aren’t doing, offering or telling them something they can relate to or that they like, you can take a hike. Tom had something to offer them, too, and that was someone to take care of my needs so they wouldn’t have to. However, what would’ve been in it for them if we had had a kid? Nothing.

Later…

Unless the freeloader came in while I was under headphones, the freeloader came in quietly. He’s not in to stay for the night yet, though, cuz his car’s parked where I can see it, just outside the carport.

I’ll have to remember to take Tom’s advice. I really want to please him and I wish I could, but I just suck in bed! Anyway, he told me to use more variety in how I rub his dick and to concentrate more on the tip of it. The shaft of the dick doesn’t have as much feeling.

Here we go sliding the bowl around again. Although, it still seems a bit loud for a bowl. I wish I could say it was moving sounds and that at least he was moving, but fat chance. The dog’s in the carport now, too, but the car’s still out front. I think they may have the start of the dog’s leash in their yard, but that it extends into the carport and they put the dog’s bowls in the carport, too, to encourage it to hang out there more often for my sake.

I think there’s another reason they’re gonna try to hang onto that house, besides the fact that it’s subsidized. I just realized that my vibe of them moving at this time went away after my encounter with the bitch. And it did so, I believe, cuz they’re also gonna want to hang around here to piss me off. Even if they knew that some other people’s dog would piss me off if they moved, they’d still rather be here so it could be their dog to piss me off.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1997 Boy, that freeloader really parked in an odd place this time around. When we came in from shopping, its car was parked in the street. I thought maybe to make room for some work trucks to pull in, but I didn’t hear anyone pull in, so who knows what that weird fuck’s up to?

Later…

Where could they be? Their living room windows next door are pitch dark, I haven’t heard the dog, and I haven’t heard any signs of a car being over there. Well, if I hear them come in, they’ll hear from me. Yes, if it’s an unacceptable volume, I shall solve my own problems, confront the source head-on, and be done with these assholes for good. As I said before, I don’t know if the city contacted them or why the music’s been quieter, but it’s not gonna be for long. I know them. And as far as my promising Tom not to go after them - why should I have to keep my promises when Tom doesn’t keep his? We’re gonna screw tonight, as part of our agreement, but will he cum? No. Of course he won’t. It’s too soon after his last squirt. He’ll keep the part of the promise that requires us to get together fairly regularly, but not the part about the regular cumming to prove my case of sterility. He isn’t ready to deal with that, and it’ll be the same bullshit I’ve gone through before with him. Anything to get out of his having to face the fact that I am sterile.

Well, maybe the freeloaders came in without slamming doors and went to bed early, cuz I just heard the dog in the carport. It fucking sounds like it’s right on our back patio, or inside the house at the other end of it.

Tom and I went shopping earlier. I got 3 puzzles and 3 journals, and we picked up some Christmas cards and some wrapping paper, too.

The envelope addresser is nice and shitty at the same time. Its graphics are kind of boring and you can’t control their sizes. The program was written in a shitty, weird and complex kind of way, but Tom said he’ll create an easier setup for it. I do like its different fonts, though.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1997 This morning’s sex went as I knew it’d go. He didn’t cum. And a certain somebody up in the sky that doesn’t agree with what we’re doing, has seen to it that I’m having irritation down there. Well, no amount of discomfort is gonna stop me from doing my part of the deal here. It’s up to God and Tom to make or break my dream.

He reminded me that a woman could have a guy cum in her a day or two prior to ovulation and still conceive. Then all the more my gut instincts and woman’s intuition are right about my being sterile. Even so, it still doesn’t seem logical or fair that my being meant to quit smoking all of a sudden means nothing at all. There’s got to be some reason for this and I still kind of have a “change” vibe. I know next door will be here till at least next fall, and although I still can’t see a child ever happening, this bed and this not smoking have to have some purpose. Things happen for a reason. Maybe the “change” is Tom believing there really is something wrong with me, but that can only be if he cums regularly and even if he did that, he may still be hesitant to question my sterility. How much he’s willing to deal with the consequences of my sterility, will depend on how much he’ll let himself realize that that’s the case. There doesn’t have to be any so-called consequences or anything to deal with, though, if we choose not to go to a doctor. And besides, I already know that running to a doctor wouldn’t help us.

It’s still cloudy and wet out there, although it’s not raining right now. I wish it’d rain all day to help keep the ballplayers away, but I’m sure that with just my luck, it’ll become a bright, sunny and dry day by late morning.

Tom also stopped at Eldon’s yesterday to do some computer work for him, and in exchange, Eldon gave us a printer that just addresses envelopes. It does more than that, though, and way more than the envelope printer in the word processor does. All the one we’ve always used does is print in one font and one size. This one does a handful of fonts and sizes and it also does graphics. It lets you put little pictures to decorate the envelopes with, but we haven’t been able to try this out, cuz we need a new ink cartridge for it. This isn’t a dot matrix like our regular printer that strikes dots on the paper. This is an inkjet and the ink boils and sprays onto the paper. We’ll also be getting an inkjet printer one of these days.

Later…

Tom just left to take his mother to church and to pick up some things we need.

I just heard those weird sounds coming from next door’s backyard again. Like furniture sliding around. Something that’s perhaps plastic and lightweight.

For a couple of minutes yesterday and a couple the day before, I wondered if next door got another dog. Tom said he didn’t hear anything that suggests that, but that’s something next door would surely do. Especially if the city did contact them in regard to the music. I guess we were either wrong in assuming he’s not supposed to be there, or they just aren’t pushing to nudge him out. If the city did mention his presence to her, all the bitch has to say is that he just visits her. So, unless they go search her house to find his stuff, it wouldn’t hold up to much.

We’ve gone from window birdies to window kitties. White Feet jumps from the back of the old recliner to the AC, then stands up and peers in the window in the back room.

The damn birds still come around, but at least things aren’t nearly as messy as they were when I’d feed them lots of seeds every day. They try to steal the cat food, though, and Measles, my favorite bird who’s the bravest, still comes around daily.

Later…

Fortunately, there were no ball games today. Instead, it was the dog and car doors I got to listen to.

Their beast will bark more on weekends cuz they’re home then and it cries out for attention it can’t get.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1997 Well, I’ll be darned! Tom’s keeping every bit of his promise. So far, that is, but nonetheless, we had a great time in bed today and he got off just fine. Then we lay together a while longer and talked about trivial stuff.

Right now he’s talking to Eldon, then he’s gonna go to the racetrack. He hasn’t been there in a while.

I changed both the mice’s and the big guy’s cages and I’m doing laundry, too.

Soon, I’ll do the dishes and cook Tom some Hamburger Helper. Guess what I got to enjoy both today and yesterday? A home-cooked lobster! Tom got two little lobsters for $3 each at the grocery store. They’re already cooked, so all you do is thaw them and reheat them by boiling them.

Michelle and her mom found the screws and brackets to put the bed together. Do these people ever take the time to look for things before asking where they are? This is the second thing they had to ask where it was, cuz they wouldn’t take the time to look.

Also, Laura, who Andy says has more clothes than God, has more clothes to give to me.

The freeloader’s dog hasn’t been much of a problem, but it will be once it gets hot again. The music’s been OK that we both know of, too, but give it time. I heard him bopping around the carport early last evening (probably to rig the dog up to the car for the night). I’ve got another theory as to why he rigs the dog to the car and that’s to protect his stereo from a certain person who doesn’t appreciate it. After all, he does pay more attention to that stereo, than the dog.

I talked to my mother yesterday who said that every two years, they’ll come visit. So, in May of 99, they’ll be back. If we had had a kid, I wonder if that two-year thing would go out of effect?

Tom got the door up yesterday, but it’s only partially done. This is a big job, so all we could do was get the door up, put that air pump thing up so it’ll pull it shut, and that’s it for now. We still have to install the bar that it’ll latch into and re-key it, but for now, this is so very much nicer than that other torn-up piece of shit we had.

Also, I guess Tom’s luck is still holding out. He thought he was getting hit with a cold, but so far I guess he’s gonna be OK. Hopefully, his not having to deal with secondhand smoke will help him, cuz that can lower one’s immune system and make one more susceptible to colds.

Later…

At this time of year, whatever the weather is in L.A., will be what it’ll be here in 24 hours. It’s gonna rain anytime now and I wish it would hurry up and do so, so that the little girl who lives where the guard dogs are, won’t come back to play ball for the third time. Although, that might not stop her.

And ironically, the ball games start up after the letter goes out. And it’s just my luck that with all the houses on this street that have basketball hoops, which are very few, one of them has to be right next door. I wish the earth would open up and swallow the fucking thing up!

Given the fact that this is the 3rd time she’s played for just a few minutes, I’d say that Miss Bitch may have had a talk with the girl’s mother, who had a talk with the little girl. People are sick enough too, to pit a kid against an adult they don’t like.

The thing about it that sucks is that I know that I’m not gonna get one weekend till June without having to listen to ball games. Since the kids that live there don’t play ball, God just had to make sure he got other kids that would. And eventually, this is gonna roll into after-school hours and it won’t be just this little girl. Or for just a few minutes.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1997 Oh, those incompetent assholes at AOL! They never fail to fuck up. I can’t get the message that’s there from my folks.

I got a card from Tom’s mom with a check for my age, a singing birthday message from Andy, and calls from Tammy, Larry, and my folks.

I only talked with Tammy and Paula. My folks called at 11 PM our time and 1 AM their time and they got to talk to Tom before he left for work. Meanwhile, I was already asleep.

Instead of going to Red Lobster yesterday, we might go on Monday, cuz that’d fit in better with our schedules. He got me Chinese food instead and today we’ll be putting up that security door, which will be a big job. Andy didn’t give us a key to the door, so Tom’s gonna try to re-key it.

Andy said he was too broke at this time to get me a b-day present and I told him not to worry, I understand, and have been there before. He’s been clean for two weeks, but he and his ditzy friends! Now Michelle and her mother can’t find the brackets and screws to put the damn bed together! As with the other screws they couldn’t find, I told them they were there and that we did give it to them.

Very fittingly, and as I totally expected, Tom’s getting his punishment for saying he’s gonna fight God and win, even if I knew it was bullshit and that he doesn’t want to win. He just got hit with one of the colds going around at work, so when I’m mid-cycle, he’ll be too sick to screw, and that’ll be the excuse I knew I’d be in for, for why we need to give it yet more time. Look, I know I’m sterile, and that’s all there is to it. There’s nothing I can do about it, no matter how much or how little he cums and as always, God keeps working against us to ensure we not only never have a child, but that we can never have full-time, normal sex. And if he didn’t have a cold, which would still be the ideal time for God to start him on a cold, there’d be something else to keep things as they always have been. Some dark, evil force up there is really working against us, and as always, it wins. So, he can keep on swearing I’ll conceive for sure this month, but that he doesn’t know that I won’t miscarry it, all he wants.

Well, like I said, my New Year’s resolution is to make one last attempt to lose weight and to just accept the fact that I’ll have to live off the rest of my life wanting a child I can never have. I’ll work on trying to live with that and concentrate more on what I do have, rather than what I can’t have. I should be more appreciative of this freedom I’ve got, anyway, as most people would kill for at least some of it. Besides, I couldn’t handle motherhood, I’d be a shitty mother, and would just wish for these days right back again, so what’s the point?

Later…

Not only did I have to wait to get into my mailbox, but when I could, the fucking assholes deleted the message from my folks! I could kill these assholes!

Anyway, I left my parents a message about that and thanked them for the package.

There’s this cartoon character called Dilbert and they sent Tom some post-it notes with his character involved and some mini flags with Dilbert, too, and a million other mini flags of all different things. They even sent another mini pole, so I put it in the doorway between the kitchen and the entrance hall to the garage and put up a summertime scene, even though it’s winter.

Tom also got two mouse pads, an AZ Cardinals license plate to put on the front of his car, and a novel that has to do with computers.

They sent a lot of brochures on Disney and other related stuff. They sent shampoo from there, a few pictures, and two really nice mugs of Minnie and Mickey Mouse for the both of us.

They sent one of those belly pouches you strap around your waist. They’re good for carrying little things around places like casinos, so you can have your hands free. A How to Cook Like a Jewish Mother cookbook, pens, and a calendar I certainly don’t care for. That’s cuz all its pictures are taken in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, and Maine. A sweatshirt with the New Kids on the Block on it. I’ve heard of them, but I don’t know any of their songs. Green nail polish that I’m sure my dad picked out, $25, and the last two things are really cute - a motion sensor frog that “ribbits” when you walk by it, and a singing gorilla that starts singing when you clap real loud in front of it.

Later…

I just got to talk to Larry. He says he still has a cold, Sandy’s got bronchitis, Jen’s fine, and business is going well. He also asked how I could tell if a blond was at a computer. Then told me the answer was: cuz there’d be whiteout all over the screen.

I shouldn’t have told Tammy that I was expecting calls from different people, including Larry, cuz then she said, “Leave it to him to call you on your birthday, but not mine.” I won’t tell her we got to talk, so as to not hurt her feelings any more than they are.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1997 Another year has passed and now I’m 32. Anyway, Tom got me some nice things that he gave to me yesterday. He gave me pretty floral stationery to use for letters and drafts and several different colored markers for writing. He also got 5 lotto tickets called Cactus Cash. I won $2 and he’s gonna get two more tickets with that.

Either today or tomorrow, my sweetheart is gonna take me out to dinner. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of fun, too.

He told me that if I wasn’t pregnant in December, then he’d start to believe me as far as the sterility goes. This really helped to hear, even if his knowing what I know can’t change anything. Still, I was pleased to hear it, even though I wonder - will I just hear it? He promised no excuses, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if both he and God together made sure there was less time than usual for fun so that he’ll end up saying that there weren’t enough opportunities for us to give it a chance, and then we’re right back to where we’ve always been.

I hope he remembers and realizes that if he wants to prove to himself that there’s something wrong with me, he’s gonna have to cum a lot. That means practically changing his whole being, cuz frequent cumming just isn’t him.

Anyway, due to next door’s schedule being so erratic, I was either listening to music or in bed when he came in, so I couldn’t tell if it was no volume or a so-so volume (a loud one would’ve woken me up). I heard nothing from next door all morning and afternoon and what I heard the day before that, might not have been him after all. Yesterday I heard music at the same volume and went out to dispose of it permanently, but it was some other car passing by. It was a couple of hours off on the timing as to when I heard the music the day before, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Tom still begs me not to do anything to next door and says that no one should go after someone unless in self-defense. He also says that even if my method’s effective, it’s wrong and that he’s still certain they can be dealt with legally if this letter doesn’t work by going a step higher than the office we sent the letter to.

First of all, I don’t trust anything anyone “tells” me, I have my doubts about any city/government officials helping with shit, and I don’t believe in turning to others to help me with my problems with others and having them fight my battles for me, and sometimes you do have to do wrong to get proper results, and lastly, a person doesn’t always have to resort to violence to get justice. So, I told Tom I’ll use my best judgment and be as fair as I can be. If I do anything, I’ll make sure I do it when he’s not here, but I’ve had it with these people, and if he ever plays it as loud as he did that Saturday night when he sat in the car blaring it, I’ll fucking kill him, whether he’s here or not.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1997 What a thoroughly depressing night I’ve had. Thank God Tom’s not here, cuz hearing his lies right now and him denying there’s even a problem, wouldn’t change things or help me.

Let me just say first, that it’ll be any day now that I’ll be taking care of next door for good. We heard him leave after he came in for lunch in a so-so but pushing it kind of volume. At least there’s something I can do about the music. There’s nothing I can do about this sadness, anger, and frustration over the child I can never have. I know that now and there’s no denying it. It’ll never get any better and just when it seems to get a tiny bit better, it’s such a big issue with me again. I’ll always live with the feeling/knowledge of this missing link. There’ll always be a void and an empty slot in my life that I know I’ll never be able to fill and make whole. There’s no accepting God’s sentencing me to a life of childlessness. I may not shed tears every day about this and some days it may be on my mind less, but it’ll always be there. There’s no getting over this and even deciding I’d rather not have it, like with the singing and the woman. Tom replaced the desire to be with a woman, the singing died off on its own, but how can I replace my desire to have a child? How can it ever die off? It can’t.

I can’t fix, control, or manipulate this never being allowed a child by running to a doctor, and I can’t fix, control, or manipulate my emotions about it, either. I have no choice but to surrender to it and to just accept the fact that it’ll always play on my emotions. I tried to escape it and there just is no escape.

Who was I kidding to even think that I could be brave enough to go to a doctor and risk our lives? So, there’s been a change in my New Year’s resolution. His is to lose weight and be more organized. Mine’s to accept my sterility and not go to a doctor, but I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do about the weight. Of course, he was elated to hear I decided not to go to a doctor, then went right into the usual denial of how he never thought we needed that. Yeah, in 5 years from now he’ll still think we don’t need that. And he’ll still be coming up with new things that’ll cure him and make him cum regularly.

I’m right where I was when I entered my 30s two years ago and in two more years - there’ll be more material things, things might be changed around the house, I don’t know how many animals we’ll have and what they’ll be, I don’t know what my weight will be, but I’ll still be just as childless as always. And Tom will still be cumming once every few months if he hasn’t stopped again altogether. And he’ll continue to lie to me and in October of 99, he’ll tell me I’ll be pregnant in December then, too. And how everything’s fine and how all will work out.

Well, I can’t change my sterility. Nor can I change how I feel about it, but I must keep my feelings to myself as much as possible. Talking about them doesn’t change things and he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it. Not even a sensitive guy like him could know and understand what I’m going through. It’s my problem and mine alone. A woman must go something like this alone. Only another sterile woman, who’s also been cheated out of her right to have a child, could empathize with me and understand how I feel.

I may never be OK with my sterility like Mary is with hers, cuz everyone’s different, but if I don’t learn to deal with my emotions in a way that doesn’t involve others, I really am gonna have a very hard life.

I’m still not sure, like I said, about my weight. I could just accept that, too, and let my body weigh whatever it’s gonna weigh, or I could try to fight it, but that’s another one of those things that I don’t have control of or any say about at the moment. God doesn’t want to budge on that issue, but I’m not surprised either. He let me have the strength to not smoke and he let us have this bed, so he’s gonna seize control of me otherwise. I’m sure he’s very upset up there about the city letter, too, even if it’s as useless as I said it’d be. The freeloader will be at it again in no time.

Also, losing weight the only way that’s ever worked for me, doesn’t work anymore. The hunger pains are too severe when I don’t eat and if I allow myself just a few bites, those few bites lead to a few more, and a few more, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1997 Got a birthday card from David, Evie and their kids. What was cool about it was the little piece of paper enclosed with drawings from “Neeca.” I guess that’s how she pronounces her name. Anyway, it was cool to get that from a niece on Tom’s side of the family.

It still saddens me to know that I could never receive something so precious from my own child, but again, I don’t deserve it and I couldn’t handle it.

It also still kind of bothers me, although I’m used to it, that my husband could boldly lie to me about getting pregnant time and time again. I understand that men can’t quite grasp women’s issues and how much something like this means to a woman, but still, lying is lying and I don’t like it. It’s not fair and no one should fool with someone else’s emotions like that. No matter how much we know that we cannot take someone’s word for shit, without seeing what they say come true, it’s still a cruel thing to do to someone who’s so sensitive about certain issues. I don’t know if this wanting a child thing will “go away” or go dormant, so to speak, but I do hope for that. Where there’s absolutely no hope whatsoever to have a child, I do hold out the hope that I’ll be able to live with my sterility and accept myself as a whole, much easier than I have. Sometimes I can accept it and I love myself as a whole, but I still have my times when it’s hard to deal with the sterility and now the fact that I’m 15 pounds overweight. I miss my thin days.

I gathered up a bag of clothes that I’m either too big for or am sick of to give to Laura.

Andy’s gone two weeks without smoking pot, so I’m proud of him. He says he feels much better and much more confident. He sounds it, too, and he’s not as flaky and his memory’s already so much better. However, just like I always had a problem in every place I’ve ever lived, he has a problem everywhere he works. Always. There’s always someone he doesn’t get along with. Apparently, some other server was using his server number when entering tips into the computer. I can’t explain how it works, cuz I’m not familiar with it, but in other words, they were ripping him off of about $25 a day. That saying “what goes around comes around” is entirely true. That’s not just a saying that someone made up to deter people from fucking up. It really is the case, and so maybe this is God’s punishment for his stealing that amount from the Denny’s we worked in together in Chicopee 8 years ago. As for me - I paid my dues for my share of stealing from them in many ways, a long time ago. You know how I struggled financially for years and nearly starved to death upon coming out here.

Andy’s struggled and has been denied love, though. Hasn’t he paid his dues, too?

We found out some mice news that’ll really help out a lot and this way, we won’t be so pressed for time. Well, I may know everything there is to know about guinea pigs, and I know a lot about mice, but not everything. So we took the oldest of the 3 litters into the pet store (Tanner and Spot). Besides, I needed to get a bottle holder. They said they won’t take them till they’re 8 weeks old cuz then they’ll be easier to sell (I thought it’d be the other way around and that people would want them real young), but that they will take any we don’t want. They don’t do trade-ins, so I can’t get female mice in exchange for the male mice, but at least they’ll take them. Meanwhile, the shocking thing we found out was that mice don’t become sexually active for 6 months! I thought it’d be weeks since guinea pigs start at 6 weeks. They go from nursing to screwing and I thought that it’d be that way with mice, too. So, around February 1st, we’ll take all 3 litters in; as they’ll all be 8-10 weeks, and let them take the males.

The asshole next door’s still behaving. Tom thinks it’s cuz the city did say something to them. I don’t know if it’s cuz of that, cuz of the dog, or some other reason, and this is really nice and all that, but how long’s it gonna last?

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1997 Ma just sent a message saying that instead of getting a box for Tom, I’ll get a large box addressed to me on my birthday. Inside will be a box for him which she says is a fun box, so open it together. Then there’s a box inside it that says fragile, and this is for both of us. Also, she’ll call me on my birthday and if they don’t get me, they’ll keep trying.

Still paying for the bed and was woken up for the second day in a row. Yesterday I just woke up for no reason and after a while, I fell back asleep. Today, it was for the basketball game next door, so it’s back to the fan to add to the noise machine. The noise machine doesn’t have the lower motor-like sounds that the fan does to block out such sounds as a bouncing ball that’s just outside the window.

Thank God I got back to sleep and thank God he let me quit smoking. This is gonna be a common occurrence, and if I had to wake up 3-4 times a week like I will from now on when I smoked, I’d be so sick. Now, it’s not as hard on my body. Some things aren’t as easy or aren’t as worth God keeping people like me from, so therefore, he lets us have them but makes us pay for them. I told you there’d be a price to pay for this added piece of normalcy. I knew that if he didn’t wake me up, God would use some other source to get me up, but hey, if I have to get up 3-4 times a week in order to share a bed with my own husband - fine.

Of course, it’s also God’s way of showing me and reminding me that it’s not easy getting up every day, so imagine getting up several times a day, you can’t handle it and aren’t worthy of motherhood. And yes, destiny came as I said it would and to add insult to injury, I woke up to a full flow as well as a ball game.

Once again, it really scares the shit out of me to know that some of us can be forcefully under the control and influence of something so hateful, so mean, and so evil. Something that has no empathy whatsoever and no concern for human emotions at all. This brings me to what my New Year’s resolution is all about. Maybe Tom really did get this bed and is gonna change our insurance with the hopes that it’ll help us towards a child, but I know I’ll never have a child. Nonetheless, instead of having my New Year’s resolution be about losing weight (which God would really never let me do since getting the bed), I’m gonna work on my courage. Or lack of it, rather. As I’ve said, the two basic reasons I’m afraid to see a doctor is cuz A: it won’t get me what I want. B: if I did get what I wanted, there’d be holy hell to pay for it. Still, if there’s the slightest chance that Tom’s sincerer about having a kid than I’ve always believed, it’s the least I can do. If he went through the trouble of getting the bed and is about to go through the hassles of changing our insurance, I’ll try to work around my superstitious fears and not let them hold me back. If I can’t do it for me, I’ll do it for him. My never seeing a doctor isn’t just denying myself the slightest shot at a child, it’s denying Tom that, too.

I don’t know how honest Tom would be with a doctor, though, cuz regardless of what he says, I believe he’s just as scared. Only his is in a different way. I’m afraid that he’ll fight the doctors and either not level with them as far as how our sex lives have been, or he won’t accept their help as far as doing anything to improve that.

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I know that December will hold the usual part-time sex for us and that maybe he’ll cum once in December. I also know I won’t be pregnant. And lastly, I know that God, and maybe Tom too, will try to stall, make excuses, or block any help from a doctor, but I shall do my best to work around all this and work up my courage.

The shitty thing about this ball playing is that it was probably those kids who live in this neighborhood somewhere, which would be worse than if it was visitors of theirs. Cuz if it’s neighborhood kids, they won’t go away. They’ll be playing after school and on weekends till June for all I know, and the freeloader will gladly let them. His car probably wasn’t there when these kids passed by and they just helped themselves to the hoop and started playing. Kids are like that and they will walk up to someone’s hoop and use it until and if someone shoos them away.

Later…

Tom said that 3 seconds after I went back to bed, they quit playing ball. Yeah, I thought that this fan, which is quieter than the one that broke, was doing too good of a job. Great, so now I can’t sleep when the rude neighborhood kids decide to play a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, of basketball when they pass by. I don’t know if they only played for a few minutes cuz perhaps my lock is still wedged in the net, or what?

And the mice count keeps getting higher! Apparently, Cocoa didn’t get that big and has already had her babies. There are definitely two different litters, not counting Ziggy’s two, cuz I got a really good look at them earlier. Between Shy and Cocoa, one had 6 and the other had 5. That’s 16 mice we’ve got!

I moved all the mice back downstairs into the aquarium and later on, Tom and I are gonna get a bottle holder so they can have a more stable water supply down there. This way, with them down there, they can have access to 3 wheels. I also have 3 straight tubes lying at a 45-degree angle so that Ziggy’s two babies can learn to climb. Tanner, as I call Ziggy’s albino baby, really loves to climb up and down this thing, but Spot hasn’t bothered yet. Shy really seems to like this new setup. I’ve never seen her so full of spunk before.

[jwcnsz]

catsitting with enhypen! <3

pairing; enhypen members x gn!reader

warnings; mentions of biting, cursing

genre; fluff, domestic au

word count; 800+

requested; nope!

a/n; i saw enha play with kitties and i was like “i gotta write it” so here we are. also hee’s part is so long im sorry rn im just like “heeseung 🫶” forgive me anyways pls enjoy!

heeseung;

omg he’s so happy when you tell him you’re gonna bring a kitten home for the day

you were taking care of it for a friend and wtv

heeseung literally just “KITTY” and SPRINTED towards the door

he’s so real for that cause same

the whole time he’s babying it ohhh :(

that kitten is in his arms and he’s carrying it around as if it were his child

head in hands HE USES A BABY VOICE TO TALK TO THE KITTEN

“awww my little kitty :((“ cooing and shit

“can we keep it? ☹️” “no.” “please? ☹️” “no.” “pleaseeee? ☹️” u just. “no.”

HE WILL BEG WITH A POUT AND BIG EYES

heeseung’s master manipulator era

he didn’t even let you get near it not even to help him take care of it

“hee, you need to let me help.” “NO.” he just walks away with the kitten in his arms

when it’s time to return the kitty he’s literally sobbing

he WILL NOT let go

“you can get another one 😒” “HEESEUNG.”

literally had to pry that kitten away

u got him a kitten later on though so he forgave you for the whole “ripping away his child” thing

jay;

oh he’s upset

he gets that you’re doing your friend a favor but he’s allergic to cats and you know this

“are you serious, y/n?” “BUT THE KITTY IS SO CUTE ☹️” “fucking hell…”

in the end he agrees BUT you have to always be ten feet away from him.

he literally walks around the house with a mask on cause there is no way he’s inhaling those car hairs.

“jay, you won’t die.” “you have no idea how much allergies suck.” “take a pill.” “NO. 🙄”

there is no convincing him.

yeah he thinks the kitten is cute but he wasn’t gonna get sick over it

FINALLY you have to give the kitten back

if jay feels sad he won’t tell you

“jay say bye to the kitten.” jay: 🙁

he’s still gonna act like he doesn’t want it there

you learned to never baby sit a cat again

(jay still wanted you to bring more home though)

jake;

dog lover #1

“why couldn’t your friend have a puppy?” “shut up and go get me a bowl.”

at first he hates the kitten and the kitten hates him

my mans got bitten 😞

“cats are spawns of satan and you cannot convince me otherwise.”

the whole day hes glaring at that poor kitty

the kitten who just wants to go home:

eventually jake decided to give it another chance and he tried his best to not be mean to it

“bite me again and i’m sending you to the pound.” “JAKE NO”

anyways they became besties after that

“jake let go of that poor cat” “BUT ITS SO ADORABLE HOW DID I HATE IT BEFORE??? ☹️”

he now wants a cat but he didn’t wanna cheat on layla so he decided against it

he gave it back normally but he’s now doing research on where he can get a kitten (without letting layla know)

sunghoon;

dog lover #2

but he isn’t anti cats either

he’s the second most normal one of the bunch

no fights or almost dying from cat hairs

he just vibes with it

he does get a little attached but it’s okay

“we can get our own kitten”

but it’s not the same for him 💔💔 he still loves his other kitten tho

sunoo;

they either hate each other or love each other

for this let’s act like they’re besties

love at first sight for these two srsly

you’re trying to get sunoo’s attention and he just

“don’t talk to me i’m with the baby 🙄” MF

but it makes u happy to see them get along

they take naps tgt and they eat tgt they do everything tgt

he doesn’t wanna give the kitten back but ofc he gives in eventually

“so do you wanna get a kitten?” “WE JUST LEFT.” “so a yes?”

jungwon;

THEYRE SOULMATES. BESTIES. 🤞🤞🤞

they meow at each other like literal conversations but in cat

“jungwon-“ “SHHH it’s telling me a story” he has the cat against his ear

you just let them be and it’s better for you since you don’t have to do anything

just like sunoo they do anything together

“can we please cuddle?” “the kitten says no.”

mf 😒

he really just kitten>>>you

riki;

best cat dad™️

hes so sweet

HE GIVES THE KITTEN NOSE KISSES AND LITTLE BELLY RUBS 😞

“you are now my baby! 😁” “riki you’re sixteen.” “teenage father.”

he has adopted that cat by now its HIS.

treats it like a newborn he has him everywhere

he puts the kitten inside his hoodie 😞💔

“need to keep my baby warm 🥰”

hes so in love with that kitten it hurts

he plays around with it sm :( literally they both run around like babies

“im not giving this kitten back.” he gave it back.

he was heartbroken. his world just fell apart

not even kidding hes sobbing on the way back to ur house

“riki its okay it was literally just a day.” “HE IS MY BABY. I BASICALLY RAISED HIM.”

u got him a kitten to make him happy cause happy baby riki 🫶

taglist <3; @iluvnishi @kiki-woo @heartsforsoobie @woonie-muffin @luveuly @byeolwonnie (if u wanna be tagged send a message/ask!)

requests are; OPEN!

[adoringhaikyuu]

you jokingly ask them if they’re using you for your body | 2

characters: kuroo + osamu + sakusa + (gn!reader)

request: i love the one where the reader asks if one of the boys is using them for their bodies, can you do another like that but with kuroo, osamu, and sakusa? • by anonymous

warnings: kuroo and sakusa’s are a little steamy 

notes: i feel like i don’t know osamu or sakusa that well but i tried <3

part one | part two | part three

kuroo: 

kuroo loved to tease you all the time

he loved seeing you flustered and he thought you looked cute when you were annoyed

he almost always had that little smirk on his face and though you did find it endearing––

you decided it wouldn’t hurt to get a little revenge 

his hands were slowly and teasingly inching their way under your shirt, fingertips splayed across your back, spreading heat throughout your body

he bit your lip gently and smirked as he pulled away to look at you before trailing his kisses to your sweet spot

you sighed softly and bit your lip to stop yourself from moaning, but you quickly remembered your plan when you heard him chuckle against your neck at your reaction

“kuroo~” you whispered and he smirked and pulled back after leaving a few more kisses on your skin, a smug look on his face

“yeah baby? what is it?” 

you placed your hand on his cheek, 

“you’re not...using me for my body, right?”

he narrowed his eyes playfully, trying to gage if you were joking or not. “very funny––” but when you pulled your hand away and crossed your arms, turning your gaze to the floor, his smirk dropped from his face immediately. 

“what?––hey, hey,” he leaned down slightly and tried to tilt your chin up but you wouldn’t let him. “where’s this coming from? come on babe, talk to me. which idiot put this idea in your head?”

he unwrapped your arms from your body and brought your hands up to hold them against his cheeks, turning to kiss your palms. you could feel him looking at you with pleading puppy dog eyes but you kept your focus on his shirt, knowing you would break if you looked him in the eye. “baby please, you know i would never do that. look at me, it’s me, your little honey bun––”

at that, you couldn’t hold it in any more. you put your hands on your knees and burst out laughing, “i was joking tetsu oh my god, but honey bun? really? please––” you were practically wheezing and when you looked up to see him standing there with his arms crossed, blushing and embarrassed, you laughed even more.

his smirk slid back onto his lips as he bent down to grasp your cheeks with one hand. “oh you’re gonna pay for that, kitten, don’t you worry.” 

osamu:

poor osamu was just eating his food on the couch, minding his business

and you slid yourself in his arms to sit between his legs, which he allowed mindlessly, cuddling you while he ate

you liked teasing him sometimes, you were a little messed up like that, disrupting him during his eating time for fun but he still loved you

he was about halfway through his meal, one hand caressing your waist under your shirt when you spoke up

“samu?”

he hummed, still chewing.

“are you using me for my body?”

you jumped as he started aggressively coughing behind you, almost choking on his food from your words and had to stop yourself from bursting out laughing. 

you turned to look at him and offered him some water which he accepted with a weak glare, his cheeks red from his near-death experience. after he sipped it down and caught his breath he put the bottle down and looked at you incredulously. “what?”

you blinked, “i asked if you were using me for my body, samu.”

he blinked back. “yeah i heard you. i’m wondering why the hell you would say something so stupid––” he ignored your offended hey and sighed. “where’s this coming from anyway? you know i love you, right? i’d never be that much of a jackass.”

seeing how he was getting a little upset, you decided to put an end to the joke. you put a hand on his cheek and gave him a small smile. “was just a prank baby. i know you love me.” next thing you know you were on the floor, shoved out of his arms playfully. you half-laughed, half-shrieked his name as you looked up at him offended but he payed you no mind, picking up his chopsticks and shoving his face with food again, unbothered.

he rolled his eyes, fighting off a smile. “you’ve gotta stop interrupting my food time for shit like this.”

you placed a hand on his thigh and looked up at him innocently, a playful smile on your face. “can i have a bite?”

he rolled his eyes again, but fed you anyway. 

sakusa:

sakusa was kissing along your thighs gently, his hands soothingly running up and down your skin as he inched his way up ever so slowly, loving to tease you

the thing about sakusa was that he loved teasing you in the bedroom

so the way you got your revenge was by teasing him as well...but sometimes you liked to switch up the execution of it

“omi~” you whined breathlessly

you felt him smirk against your skin, looking up at you beneath his lashes “hm?” 

he thought you were going to beg for him to speed up, to touch you where you wanted––he was quite wrong

you tilted your head innocently, “are you using me for my body?”

the silence was defeaning

his brows furrowed and he slowly sat up, keeping one hand on your thigh. “no i––” he ran a hand through his hair before he looked into your eyes and you tried your best to keep the amusement out of your face. after a few seconds, he narrowed his eyes and you held your breath. 

“if this is a joke, you’re going to pay for it, you know?” 

you swallowed, ready to carry on with the prank but felt yourself shrink under his analyzing glare. you sighed, disappointed with yourself and looked up at the ceiling. “fine...it was a joke. i just wanted payback for all the teasing you put me through.”

suddenly, both his hands were pulling your thighs until he was hovering over you. “yeah?” he leaned in to nuzzle against your cheek and whisper in your ear. “and how’d that work out for you?” 

you were starting to think it might have worked out in your favor, to be honest. 

[chuckbass-love]

hii! I have a request for prompt 71 with Andy or ransom ☺️

Hey lovely, thank you so much for waiting this long for me to post this and i really hope you enjoy reading it just as much as i enjoyed writing it.

Prompt #71: "I'm gonna fuck you in front of the mirror, i want you to see how pretty you look when you're spreading your legs for me"

Disclaimer: My work is not to be translated or to be posted anywhere else other than MY Tumblr, Wattpad and Ao3 without my permission. However, reblogs are welcome.

Pairing: Andy Barber x Fem!Reader

Warning: Swearing, unprotected sex, rough sex, ass spanking, vagina spanking, oral (f receiving), orgasm denial, daddy kink, breeding kink and angst.

Word Count: 3,486

GIF NOT MINE!!! Credit to @sergeantbuckybarnes go check them out💜

In The Mirror

Standing in the middle of the master bedroom, you start to fold the freshly washed clothes before putting them away neatly in the closet. You start off by putting shirts away, Andy’s and then yours before moving on to jeans. Sometimes you wonder how he even has the room for his own clothes since you take up the majority of the space. But you just put that down to shopping trips he's so insistent on treating you to.

As you’re just finishing up, you hear the front door open before it slams shut so hard that the anger fuelling the slam of it can be felt even upstairs where you are.

Looks like Andy is finally home...

You decide to finish up with what you’re currently doing, taking your time before approaching your husband with caution. It was probably another run in with Neil, something you’ve grown accustom to dealing with ever since you met him. Doesn’t mean you don’t run out of ways to handle it occasionally though, your best option is to just allow him to vent before you distract him. Usually distracting him requires an old movie and takeout but other times it requires rough and needy sex.

“Andy” you call out as you pad down the stairs and into the kitchen, only to find him practically chugging a beer way to quickly. It must be bad if he couldn’t even wait until dinner to drink alcohol.

“You know sometimes i think why do i even bother going to work. I mean, Lynn sure seems to enjoy screwing me over for that fucking prick Neil and i’ve had just about enough of it”

Okay, now he’s really angry. You have no idea what to do or even what to say to him, you’re rendered speechless by his cursing and boiling temper.

“I was just about to make dinner, uh, lasagne perhaps. Or maybe we could order takeout again and rent that movie you were telling me about. It’s up to y-“

“Did you not listen to a goddam word i said? I don’t give a shit about dinner, do whatever. I’m going to take a shower” his decibels rise, his tone scolding as he storms past you and up the stairs taking two at a time until he reaches the top. You hear his heavy footsteps stomping to the bedroom and then suddenly it all turns quiet until the shower water starts to run.

Rather than leaving him to cool off, you decide to head up to check on him.

In a way, he was right. You practically ignored his annoyed state and changed the subject, in fact you couldn’t have changed it fast enough. But that’s only because you didn’t know what to say. When he gets like that, there’s not a lot you can say.

“Andy, i’m sorry” you squeak, stepping into the master bedroom to find him stood with his back to you as he removes his dress shirt and tie. His back muscles tense as he stands still for a second before turning around and tossing his clothes to the floor before starting on his belt.

“Andy” you mumble, desperate for him to acknowledge you.

“What?” he snaps, slipping out of all clothes until he’s in nothing but his birthday suit, his impressive size dangling between his legs.

“I’m sor-“

“I heard you”

You gently step closer to him, examining his face for any tell tale signs of discomfort before you rest your hand on his right forearm, “please, just talk to me. What happened today?”

“Like you care, all you seemed to give a shit about was dinner, so how about you go focus on that like a good little house wife and leave me to deal with the tough shit... does that sound like a deal?”

“That’s not fair, Andy. I didn’t know what to say to you, that’s all. You’ve had that many run ins with Neil lately that i lose sight of how to help you. But i’m here now, just talk to me. Tell me what i can do to make it better”

Silence.

His hand pulls from your touch, but before you can even understand what’s going on you’re back is already touching his toned tatted chest. His arms rest on your shoulders, keeping you pressed against him.

“Well, there is one thing...” he starts, moving your hair to the other side of your neck, freeing up some skin for him to feast on. His mouth nears closer, his hot breath fanning you torturously as his nose nudges at you. That’s when you feel his hands fiddle with the hem of your shirt teasingly, slowly lifting it up your torso with ease. You lift your arms in the air, allowing him to remove it before he discards it behind him without a care.

“Such a beautiful body, honey. Be a shame to waste it fretting away about dinner in that kitchen” you gulp in response, feeling his lips barely grazing the nape of your neck, the action causes a shiver to dance down your spine as his beard scratches you.

“Andy” your voice is nothing but a breathless whimper as you turn to face him, his hands instantly rest on your waist at the band of your booty shorts. Of course when he tugs at them, you know what he’s after now and you also know that no matter what you do or say, he’ll take it regardless.

He drops down to his knees, surrendering to your body and dragging your shorts down your legs as he sinks to the floor. You step out of them for him, even going as far as to kick them to one side before he pushes you back to the wall.

The palm of his hand gives your calf a soft squeeze as the other lifts your leg up to drape over his shoulder, your aching sex on show for his lustful orbs to focus on. The insatiable hunger is starting to drown out his mind, body and soul, he’s incapable of thinking of anything else but you, craving anything else but you.

He’s starving, desperate to taste you.

A couple more minutes pass with him peppering kisses along your ankle at first before moving up to your calf and then your thigh. You try to push him away due to the sensitivity there but he only forces you off him, he’s so much stronger than you could ever be and you know now that you’ve lost.

He presses another chaste kiss to your bundle of nerves before pausing and feeling your body react to his touch. Your shaking body begs to be worshipped and devoured whilst he begs to drink and breathe you in like you’re his only lifeline.

“Smell so good” he coos, poking his tongue out to give your clit a kitten lick as his nose nudges at your mound, the action causes you to roll your eyes to the back of your head. Whatever you did to deserve this agonising torture, you will make sure to never do it again. This is teasing at its peak.

“Please, Andy. I need you”

“Oh you’ll have me, alright” his response is quick yet snappy as he dives into you. His mouth latches onto your sex aggressively, sucking, slurping and biting. His beard scratching your inner thighs and it's sure to leave a burn there.

The tip of his tongue points all the more as he winds it around your clit rapidly and even with one hand gripping your hips roughly whilst the other strokes your leg up and down before settling on your ass, you still feel unsteady as if the smallest wave of pleasure could knock you to the floor.

His mouth right where you want him comes and goes as he takes breaks in between to come up for air, but right when you feel yourself getting lost in the feeling, it comes to a complete halt.

You glance down at him, eyelids heavy, chest rising and falling, only to find him rising to his feet.

“What the hell, Andy?” you ask, your entire body heating up.

“You sound angry” he cocks his head to the side as he grazes his hand across your hardened nipple.

“I am”

“Now, that’s exactly how i felt when i came home. Yet instead of comforting me like a good little wife should do, you made me feel worse. So therefore, you don’t deserve to cum”

What the hell is wrong with him tonight?

He shoots you a wink before padding into the bathroom, the shower water still running and steaming up all of the mirrors in your eye-line until he closes the door, locking it to prevent you from entering and leaving you standing there perplexed at his actions.

He did all of that on purpose. He built you up to the edge of ecstasy before leaving you to come crashing down all alone, all in the name of proving a point.

You reach for your robe off the hook on the bedroom door before storming out, brimming with frustration as you make a start on the dinner. Lasagne will do for tonight.

You prep it as fast as you can whilst the oven preheats to the correct temperature before putting it in and setting the timer. Now you can relax.

As soon as you throw yourself down onto the couch and flick the tv on, you hear the bathroom door open. You’re almost certain that he expected you to wait for him like a lost puppy dog but you refuse to play into his petty games of revenge. All because you didn’t comfort him. It was silly and unnecessary.

So for now, you’ll indulge in some reality television whilst you wait for dinner to cook and if there’s one thing that’s for certain, it’s that you are most definitely not putting out for him tonight. No matter what he says or how much he sweet talks you. It’s not good enough for him to treat you like that.

Whatever Neil did or said, that’s a work problem.

Andy can’t believe his eyes when he comes back into the bedroom only to find it empty. He wraps his white towel around his waist, covering up his modesty before heading out into the hallway and down the stairs. As he reaches the bottom of them, he spots you watching tv in the lounge, giggling away at whatever The Kardashian family are doing now, but whatever it is, he doesn’t care.

Instead of leaving you be, he stomps over “what do you think you’re doing?” he inquires, voice bellowing more than he intended “i’m waiting for the lasagne to cook, it’s in the oven. Enjoy your shower, honey?” you probe sarcastically, a rhetorical question. However your sarcasm infuriates him further as he picks you up with ease.

“Andy, put me down. NOW” you shout, kicking your legs and slapping his upper back as he drapes you over like you weigh nothing.

“Dinner is in the oven” you remind him, desperate to avoid burning it. But that’s when he puts you down before walking over to the kitchen and turning the oven off.

Your eyes widen as he approaches you once again, picking you up and carrying you up the stairs, taking them two at a time as he always does.

“Andy” you groan until he places you back onto your own two feet, his hands practically rip your robe off to expose your naked body before he does the same to the towel covering his manhood up.

“I’ll tell you what’s about to happen, honey and you’re going to listen” he informs you, stepping closer and moving you to stand in front of the mirror. You correct your abysmal posture as you look back at him in the mirror. A sinister glint in his eyes becomes crystal clear as a wicked grin graces his handsome face. His beard full, his hair still wet from the shower as droplets of water drip down his chest.

“I’m gonna fuck you in front of the mirror, i want you to see how pretty you look when you’re spreading your legs for me” the pure filth has you holding your breath in shock before exhaling dramatically.

He’s always been kinky but sometimes he still manages to leave you shocked. Although it’s times like these that you love him the most, the whines and whimpers he draws from you so effortlessly, the way he causes your body to tremble raggedly and most of all the way your entire world stops turning as he brings you to that cliff edge, pushing you off of it with his two large menacing hands.

He kicks your legs apart further before pulling your arms to the back of you. He hooks his arm inside of them to prevent you from moving away from him whilst his other hand massages your puffy petal like folds before circling your dripping entrance.

Once his tip is resting directly at the tight hole, he proceeds to move forward, the skin around your entrance catching onto him as your walls welcome him inside.

“Oh, fuckkk” he draws out the word, groaning and gasping for air as he drives home, the feeling overwhelming you to the limit.

How can one man have such a firm and tight grip on you like this?

How did you end up here, unable to utter out a single word as his pace picks up before he’s fucking into you so violently, snapping his hips with no signs of slowing down.

“Keep your eyes on yourself, honey, do as i say” he warns, and the moment you look up at him, you see the darkness and it causes you to look away, focusing back on yourself just like he instructed you to do.

The feeling of his cock dragging along your walls so fast is enough to cause the knot in your stomach to tighten painfully. The pleasure is almost too intense to bare, too much for your fragile body to handle. Yet you continue to take it, allowing him to fuck away his anger, channeling it into this moment.

His arm and hand tightens around your arms, holding you in place as he keeps his sights on you, watching as your mouth hangs open in the perfect O shape. Fuck, you look perfect like this with him bending you to his will, using you for the sole purpose of his pleasure and his pleasure only.

How did he get so lucky to be graced with you’re beauty?

The harder he snaps his hips into you, the more the coil tightens and the all too familiar feeling builds all the more inside of you. An ongoing reminder of your impending orgasm.

“Andy, i-i’m gonna c-cum” you tell him, begging for him to allow you the privilege of releasing, the privilege of creaming all over his rock hard cock.

A dark chuckle erupts from his throat, mocking your pleas for a release before tutting at you, the torment continuing.

“Please” you beg once again, only to be reprimanded with the harsh sting of his hand landing on your ass cheek “keep your eyes on the mirror, honey. You’ll come when i tell you to, quit being a brat”

The need to release is almost unbearable, tears of pleasure welling in your eyes and drowning out your vision before you blink, allowing them to stream down your innocent looking face for him to see. It only spurs him on more as he moves his free hand in from of you, kicking your legs further apart before smacking down on your sex brutally. Your body jerks in response before somewhat relaxing at the feel of him rubbing briskly at your pulsating clit.

“That’s it, honey. Taking that cock so fucking well”

“I need to c-cum, A-Andy” your voice trembles frantically in hopes of him taking pity upon you.

“Shhh, baby. Just let daddy fuck the frustration away, gotta fuck it all away” his words are pure filth but his tone is gentle and needy. He just wants to take his anger out on your body, channel it into something.

You can imagine that with the field of work he’s in that he finds it hard to keep his cool with Neil every day. Which is a shame because they used to be close.

Granted that was back when Neil first started and Andy mentored him, whipped him into shape and taught him everything he knows. And Neil is a better lawyer because of it. However, it also means that he’s just rude, obnoxious and cocky towards Andy, pushing him to the edge and taunting him a little more every day.

“Hold yourself back for daddy, you’ll cum when i give you permission to. Is that clear, honey?”

“Yes” you mumble, barely audible.

“What was that?”

“I mean, yes daddy” you correct, watching his eyes intently, searching for any sign of him letting up his tight hold and hard thrusts.

“Good girl, being so perfect for daddy and taking this fucking like a pro, huh?”

“Yes daddy”

Your eyes glaze over as you struggle to keep yourself in tact, the hold you have on your orgasm is slipping from your control slowly but surely and you know that if he doesn’t give you the go ahead soon then you’ll end up breaking the rules.

Something that will surely earn you a painful punishment.

“God, fuck. I’m gonna cum, you gonna cum with me, honey?” he asks, gasping. You throw your head back onto his chest, arching your back into him further. You nod your head as quickly as you can as you feel your knees turning weak.

“Count down with me”

“10’ you say in unison, his fingers rubbing furiously at your sex.

“9” the sound of your skin slapping together bounces off of the walls.

“8” the feel of his mouth latching onto the sweet spot on your neck, pearly white teeth sinking in to mark you up.

“7” the moans he’s eliciting are now flowing out of your mouth uncontrollably.

“6” deep grunts escape him as he pushes you against the mirror, causing your cheek to push up against it.

“5” the feel of him fucking into you tightens the coil for the final time, the feeling agonising.

“4” you scrunch your eyes closed, seeing stars as you arrive at the cliff edge.

“3” you say in unison as his thrusts turn from fast and rough to slow and hard.

“2” his cock twitches inside of you, your walls flutter around him over and over.

“1”

“That’s it, baby, cream all over that cock for me”

You let go, body shuttering as you stand up onto your tip toes. His grip on your arms lets up, causing you to fall forward, hands resting on the wall either side of the mirror.

“Oh god” he growls, hands splaying across the soft globes of your ass before he fills you with hot ropes of cum, breeding you unofficially.

He remains seated deep inside of you for a minute or two whilst the two of you struggle to regain control of your breathing, both of your hearts beating so fast that it feels as though they are on the cusp of exploding out of your chest.

“How are you feeling now?” you ask as he pulls out, turning to face him.

“Hungry for Chinese takeout and a night filled with fucking that tight cunt”

“Was that not enough?”

“I’ll never get my fill of you” he says, pulling your naked body flush against his “i want you all of the time and besides, that was just to channel my anger into something. The next time will be to make a baby”

“W-what?” your voice shaky as you raise your eyebrows at him.

“You heard me, i’m gonna spend all night breeding you, honey. Gonna make you all nice and round with my child. Gives me a chance to take my mind of that cunt Neil”

You nod your head, humming your agreement before pressing your lips to his.

Sure, you’ve had chats about kids before but this is the first time he’s openly suggested trying and even after his outburst, your love for him remains.

You can’t wait to spend the night tangled up in the crisp white sheets of your bed, filled with his cum.

---------------------

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[justagirlsearchingforamuse]

Could you write a reunion fic as a sequel to the Heisenberg 'alone time' that you wrote? While smut would be wonderful, I'd just be grateful for apologetic Karl forced to be humble for once in his life.

(Also im DYING to know what he did, did OC/Reader discover his Soldats or about Rose? Im so curious and itching for more)

Your writing is awesome and I hope to get to read more Heisenberg goodness from you!

A/N: Thanks so much and I'm glad you guys are enjoying what I'm writing, sorry if it took so long and I'll be happy to answer more asks (including angst and fluff) for RE8. Sorry if this is so damn long but hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless. Also decided to make it gender neutral as I didn't want anyone to be left out.

Warnings: NSFW, Smut, The reader riding Karl, The reader not afraid to talk back to Karl, Stitching, Cursing/Inappropriate Language, Oral, Kissing, Arguing, power bottom' Karl, fluffy smut, unprotected sex, dirty talk, Fluff, and nearly 8000 words.

It's been far too long since you have seen that man and you hoped not to see him for as long as you both may live, for a time you thought it was just 2 people with different paths that force them apart but in a way you couldn't be more wrong. You understood and still understand his need to get rid of his troubling and frankly corrupt family, you both shared a dream to run away from the Village and to live somewhere with beautiful sights. To have some form of happiness even if it doesn't last, sure normal life may seem boring but it's all that you both wanted, happiness away from reminders of Miranda and the rest of his seemingly fucked up family. But what it took to for him to get it, his plan that he seemingly thought was so brilliant only made you boil with rage and painful reminders of your past is brought from the dark corners of your memories and into the light of your mind. Children. They're so innocent, good, and pure ... they bring out everything in people, children are something that you hold near and dear to your heart. Children are everything that the world isn't, at least until they're forced to grow up and deal with the cruelty of the world. This wasn't the first time that you had disagreed or fought with Karl in your mind, but what really caused you to boil over was his plans.

A heavy huff slips from your lips as your heavy steps full of anger echoed throughout the factory, your hands are balled into tight fists and your fingers trembled along with your body, you just couldn't fucking take it. You weren't going to stand by and turn a blind eye to sacrificing an innocent child for your happiness, you weren't going to and Karl as usual tried to convince you into it. Make it seem like it'll be worth it in the end. He's stomping after you, following after you like a dog and you can hear him desperately trying to get you to stay, you keep your eyes forward and keep making your way towards the exit. Just as the door is in sight, he reaches out to grab your wrist causing you to gasp before trying to pull out of his grasp, he pulls you firmly towards him and makes you meet his eyes. His green eyes are clouded with ... desperation, they're soft and vulnerable but it didn't phase you. Not one bit. "Come on, (Y/N) ... you know that I'd do anything for you. ... You know I love you ... that's why I have to do this, kitten. You have to fucking understand ...!" He pleads with you, you turn away from his face, that bitter taste still remains on your tongue and his words fall deaf to your ears. "You don't understand! You don't understand at all! You're in your own fucking bubble ...! I can't do this! I can't live with the fact that the man I'm in love with is willing to sacrifice an innocent child for a chance at happiness." You growl at him, your words are breathless and harsh and it stings like poison to his soul, his expression begins to slowly fade into resentment. A look you had never seen before, especially towards you. "Listen to me! ... The fruits of our labor shall come ... but it all comes with a little sacrifice." He barks, his grip on your wrist slightly tightening with his anger rising as he tries to plead with you, get you to understand but you could care less. "Then I don't want to share that kind of happiness or freedom with you at all ...!" You bark back, your words are dripping in poison and there isn't much care behind them, a huff leaves your nostrils and you once again try to get out of his painfully tight grasp but he wants you to hear him. Fuck. "I thought ... fuck ... I thought you fucking loved me. All those nights, all those late-night talks, the passionate love we made ... I guess it meant fuck-all to you, huh? I guess you never gave a fuck about me ... I wanted you to ... I wanted you to understand." Karl seethes, his words are in a low growl and his green eyes are clouded with bubbling rage and fury. Fuck.

"I did love you, Karl. I still do but you have to leave or do something, I don't fuckin' know but there should be a limit to the price you're willing to pay for a chance at freedom. ... I'm not willing to. This ... this brings back too many painful memories, I would never let myself live if I let her die." You almost sob, your anger that was once boiling and alive was now being put out by the melancholy that rested deep within your soul. That baby reminds you so much of ... your history. You never told him about your past and the trauma you somewhat suffer from it that makes you long and ache for freedom. But now wasn't the time. At all. "I can't do that ...! You know I can't ...! You can't leave me, (Y/N) ...!" He shouts at you, desperately clinging to his relationship that is burning, crumbling right in front of his very eyes, he's trying so hard to save it but the thought quickly floods in what if he can't save what you have? His jaw clenches and his throat begins to tighten, breaths become hard to even get out and you can hear his low growl of rage and sorrow echo through your ears. Your throat had tightened the moment he reached out for your hand and now the tears were swelling in your eyes, leaving them uncontrollably. "I love you, Karl. But this is the end of us. The end of our story together." You managed to choke out as his expression softens yet he's stiff, a frown is plastered on his lips, and doesn't seem like it's leaving anytime soon. Regrets plague his mind, "I regret ever opening up to you. Fuck, I never should've let you into my life especially if you were gonna fuck me over and leave me alone." He thinks to himself and immediately lets go of your wrist, he forces on a blank expression and forces his tears to be hidden away, he pushes away his heartache and goes back to the only way he knows how to not fall apart, to not lose himself and to become weak.

"I never wanna see your fuckin' face again. Leave. Don't even think of coming back. You fuckin' ... you fuckin' hurt me ..." He grunts and growls at you, even lightly pushing you towards the door before turning his back on you as he crosses his arms. Fuck. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused." You manage to say in a whisper, wiping away your tears and sniffling to yourself before leaving out that door and never looking back, it was hard leaving him behind to wallow and experience his pain alone that you caused. But you stand by your choice that you couldn't stay if he had to use Rose for his plans. Still, he plagued your dreams, still had nightmares about that man, about losing him in so many graphic ways. You tried to live your life, going to work and just trying to find a way to live without seeing Karl ever again at least you thought. You never forgot him. It was around 2 in the morning and you managed to sleep for just a few minutes until your phone rang obnoxiously loud, ringing and vibrating against your nightstand. You sat up, rubbing your eyes, and an annoyed groan left your lips before you picked up your phone, though you had lost his number you knew it was in that village and it meant that he was the only one calling you. You almost want to toss your phone across the room, a familiar bitter taste begins to coat your tongue and you slowly take in a breath staring at the phone in your hand. "God fucking damn it." You curse bitterly, regretfully pressing the answer button on your phone, scratching at your head you answer with a bitter and low "hello" that is answered with heavy ragged breaths. Coughing soon follows after and echoes through the phone. "What the he-" You begin to ask before you're interrupted by his sudden cursing and rage-filled words. "Stupid fucking Ethan Winters ... the bastard ... couldn't even ... finish the job ..." He coughs into the phone, blood pools in his gut, fuck he was ruining one of his favorite shirts and an empty swallowing pain aches through his stomach. But he barely cared.

"The fuck are you rambling about, Karl ...?" You ask harshly, standing up on your feet as you press the phone to your ear, waiting for an explanation. "Oh, fuck off! You wouldn't understand ...! Or care!" He howls back before you can hear him cough once again before a wince soon slips from his parted lips, an agitated expression twists onto your face. "You must've thought I would care if you thought to fuckin' call me. Tell me what's up or I swear I'll fucking hang up." You bark at him, clenching your fists tightly as heavy ragged breaths left your body in the presence of your anger. " ... If you do give a damn ... then your ex is bleeding the fuck out in his factory ... with no knowledge of medicine and shit." He coughs out, he presses his hand firmly onto his large wound, fuck was he in bad shape and Ethan Winters had fucked him up but like a coward left him alive. "I might be there. Keep pressure on the wound and try not to die, dickhead." You huff in a ragged breath before hanging up quickly, in a way you thought it was karma for him wanting to use a baby and possibly murder a baby to get rid of his toxic and frankly not real family.

You sit back down onto your bed with a heavy sigh leaving your lips and a question on your mind. Was it gonna be worth it? He could be trying to trick you, you thought to yourself and really questioned if you should drive there and help him supposedly. As much as you wanted to be bitter, to hold onto that resentment but your heart and soul ached to see that filthy man, it called out to him desperately. Your heart sang to see him, to hear him despite your mind's warnings and reasonable viewing of the situation. Like a dumbass, you listened to your heart and began to get dressed, you threw on some old coat and a pair of washed-up skinny jeans, you grabbed a med-kit and some stitches and quickly rush to drive to the hidden and eerie village. With your foot pressed hard on the gas pedal, you kept wishing and praying that he'd be fine, that the waste of gas and the risk of being pulled over by cops worth it. When you finally make it to the factory, it's grim and dark and seemingly stopped working, the smoke that came from the factory is gone, the noise and the racket that his factory produced every second. You quickly get out of your car, medkit, and tools in your arms as you enter, you can hear his heavy strained breaths echoing through the factory that is now seemingly dead. Lifeless. A series of coughs leave his lips as he sits slumped up against the side of his bed, his blood drips and oozes off his hand, covering his stomach wound as the pain just continued, it still ached and stung like salt on an exposed wound. His head is dizzy with a haze over him, fuck was his head aching like a motherfucker and everything on his body ached and cried out in pain. "Karl ...?!" He hears you shout desperately searching for the man, he could hear the distress in your voice, the panic that came in your hurried and seemingly quick steps. "I-I'm h-here ..." He weakly responds in a low whisper, blood begins to coat his tongue and the unfamiliar taste of iron rests upon his tongue. You hear his cry weakly and you quickly rush to his bedroom, heavy breaths leave your lips in your pursuit to find Karl before he bleeds out or chokes on his own blood. What an idiot ...

He's in seemingly worse shape than when you left, his lips are beginning to become tainted with his own blood, many small wounds were all over him but the most concerning was the one on his stomach. He's coughing and trying to take in oxygen, trying to taste something other than iron on his stomach and he turns to find you, standing there before him. Damn. He forces on a wide toothy grin when he meets your gaze, damn he could feel the tension and could see that dark haze in your eyes, full of disappointment and resentment. "So we f-fuckin' meet again, huh?" Karl coughs out as a short series of chuckles soon follow after, he's trying to keep what little pride he had intact. He couldn't be seen as weak after you broke him, you left him in pieces and chose to leave him because of some stupid sacrifices he had to make in pursuit of the happiness and freedom you deserved. "So we do, asshole ... let me guess, the plan that you were so persistent on working didn't fucking work ... what happened to never come back?" You growl at him, crossing your arms as bitterness seemingly runs through you, you could feel your heart thump in your chest and your hands curled into tight fists. " ... That doesn't m-matter right now. I just n-need your fucking help!" He snaps, his words strained and choked before a series of coughs soon leave his lips. You slowly take in a breath, considering whether to just hand him the medkit and fucking peace out but you know the asshole lacks medical knowledge and would die. You let a deep sigh leave your lips before you kneel beside him, putting one of his arms around your shoulders, and with a loud groan of pain, you set him down on the bed, lying him down on his back and making sure he was comfortable. "I'll only be able to take care of this and stop you from bleeding out. You'll have to be still, Karl otherwise I'll fuck up." You advise him, getting up to go wash your hands and make sure that you don't get him infected whilst you're at it, you come back into his bedroom and open the medkit and begin to get to work on the wound. Karl would've never thought or had the pride to call up his ex, the one person he told himself he'd never need again is forced to put his pride on the side and is forced to let his ex attend to his wounds. All he can do is frown deeply, turning away from you to stare out the window, and all he can think is that Ethan Winters is still out there. He's gonna kill Miranda. That was his job, that was something he spent his life working towards doing, getting rid of that bitch Miranda and stealing her precious power. He's forced out of his thoughts when you begin to rub alcohol onto the wound causing a sharp stinging sensation to shoot through him, he grits his teeth at the stinging and almost burning sensation plaguing his body. "Warn me next time, will ya?" He says before a heavy cough soon follows, you sigh deeply as you continue to rub the alcohol on his wound gently, making sure it doesn't get infected and die from an infected wound.

"Warn you? ... It's just rubbing alcohol not a lighter." You respond, rolling your eyes at the man before you as you set down the towel and begin to pull out your thread and your needle. If he thought the alcohol was painful then he is truly in for a rude awakening. "This is gonna be painful, Karl ... I'll try to be quick with it." You state, somewhat warning him of the pain to come. "Please do ... I can't wait until you fucking leave ..." Karl bitterly spat, still unable to accept the fact that he needed you, that you were right, that he wanted you back into his life because, in his mind, it's better to bottle it up. "I won't treat you if you act like an ignorant dog." You spat back, your eyes meet his for a moment as an expression of anger twists onto your face, he begins to try and speak before a wince fell from his lips at the sensation of the thread going through his skin, he slams his fist down onto the bed and hisses at the pain once more. "Says you, you literally came in here pissed. Maybe just shut up and do ... ah!" He begins to say, his words are filled with anger and irritation before another sharp sensation of pain shoots through him. "Look, my bad alright but it's not every day you want to see your ex who was willing to ..." You begin to retort back at him, giving him a mean glare before he barks back. "You have to make sacrifices for everything! ... Now Ethan is going to get his daughter, probably gonna murder Miranda when I deserved the right to kill her. To watch the bitch suffer and choke on her own fucking blood." He growls, bitterness comes to him like air and he lets out a huff through his nostrils, a bitter and sour expression twists onto his face as he thinks of the fact that Ethan nearly murdered him, he thinks to the fact Ethan is going to steal what he worked so hard to get. "Whether you kill her or he does, she'd still be dead. ... You need to just ... let go of it and be grateful he let you live ... besides can't you finally be free out of that woman's grasp?" You say, less bitterness in your voice than before as another painful wince slips from his parted lips, he sucks in a breath through his teeth and lets out a heavy ragged breath. "That's if that fool can kill her. That's why I needed Rose. I needed her power to help me kill her. I needed it." He growls, slamming his fist against the wall in frustration.

"Did you ...? If Ethan nearly killed you then you severely underestimated how powerful he is ... probably can rival Miranda's power or maybe it's ... it's because he loves his daughter so much, it drives him to keep going." You say, your once bitter expression faded into something more dreary as you are reminded of your past, you would've done anything for that child. He scoffs to himself, turning away from you as you stop stitching him up as a truly bitter and painful expression twists onto your beautiful face. You force his face towards your own and gaze deeply into his eyes, you want him to feel, to see the pain that you felt and he did feel it. "You act like it's so terrible to be human ... it's so terrible to fall victim to your emotions ... that man loves his child just like how you loved me. He would've sacrificed anything for that child, he was willing to try and kill you, he was willing to kill Lady Dimitrescu, he was willing to do it all. That's what being human is. That's what's strong, so fucking strong." You exclaim, slowly inhaling a breath into your nostrils as silence quickly fills the air between you both, you can see the realization in his eyes flicker before him and how he softens in a way. Licking your lips, you push him back and hide that urge that was a habit you had, leaning to kiss him whenever your eyes met his whenever you saw how he softened before you. You missed that so much. You didn't say anything more, you go back to stitching up his stomach wound with an unreadable expression on your face, it was a mixture of pain and frustration and Karl saw it but most of all he saw your pain. It reminded him of his own. He would do anything for you. If you wanted him he would take you back in a heartbeat and he was afraid to admit that. Afraid to admit that he was still weak to you, still weak under your human ways that he used to relish in with you and he was afraid of being open, being hurt, being vulnerable, and falling victim to you in case you left him again. In a way you were weak to him too, stubborn as well but more willing to open up to him, to be vulnerable in front of him, willing to take the bait if it meant you would get hurt again. You were almost numb. To it. The pain that he had caused you but it was still there, stinging you at whatever moment it got and you let it become what you see Karl as. Another reminder of your pain, another man willing to sacrifice whatever for a taste of freedom and revenge. But despite that you loved him.

"I apologize for acting like a bitch when I came in here. I just ... I never thought you'd call or need me ever again and I didn't think I needed you either." You say in a somewhat soft breath, you meet his eyes for a few moments before turning your attention back to his wound and he turns towards you, licking his lips before he runs his finger over his bottom lip. "Thank you." He says smartly with a prideful smile soon curling onto his lips before you roll your eyes at him, you bite your tongue to stop any laughter from coming out. "Come on, you have manners don't you Karl? You acted like a bit of a dick too. Or is it too low of Mr. Karl Heisenberg to apologize?" You tease, a natural warm smile curls onto your lips for a few moments, Karl's heart feels light once more and it pulsates in his chest at the once familiar sight he used to see all the time, he missed that smile. Chuckling, he looks down and can feel the bitter irony taste on his tongue begin to fade away slowly but surely it is. "I apologize for acting like a dick earlier. There. That make you happy?" He says, rolling his eyes to himself before you nod with a chuckle soon falling from your lips, your hair had changed, your fashion sense had as well but you were still the same with that warm smile that made him nearly have a heart attack. "Alright, I should be done in a moment ... I'll clean your wound once again and make sure it doesn't get infected ..." You say once more, your tone has returned to its initial seriousness and he sighs to himself, just when he thought you were letting the mask fall, just when he thought things might be going back to normal. "It's fine, do what you have to do ..." He responds, waving his hand in a motion to allow you to keep doing what you were doing. You continued for a few moments longer, trying to stay focused on stitching his wound up but suddenly thoughts starting appearing in your head, what if things could go back to normal? What if you can be free together now? What if you can share happiness with him? Maybe you were an optimistic fool but having hope that things might change between you two is something that you happily looked forward to.

"Alright, I'm done. You shouldn't bleed out and die and ... I'd say try not to fuck up your stitches. But I should be going if I am not of any help to you anymore, Karl ..." You say lowly, reaching out to seize your medkit before he suddenly grabs your wrist, just like the last time you saw him causing you to nearly jump at the sudden grasp on your wrist. He realizes what he's doing from your somewhat distressed expression and lets go of your wrist quickly. "I'm sorry for ... that. But ... I'll probably need more medicine or more care to make sure I don't fuck up my stitches." He rambles, allowing himself to be vulnerable for just another moment, licking his lips his eyes meet yours once again and you see that familiar desperation in his eyes. But this time, you thought what if you stayed and so you set your medkit back down and let a deep breath leave your lips, you somewhat missed the familiar sound of his factory working and working tirelessly. "I hope you aren't planning on stopping Ethan. I'm sorry but it's just fucking stupid ... let him take care of Miranda and let him have Rose then you have what you want. Freedom. Happiness." You exclaim, sitting on the opposite end of the bed beside him with legs resting on the mattress. "I ... I want to. ... Miranda has caused so much pain, so much agony to me ... she doesn't see me as her son, nor will I ever see her as a mother. She's just ... she's just a crazy bitch who decided to steal a fucking baby and hope it could be a vessel for her fucking precious little Eva." He growls bitterly, a sour expression twists onto his face as he crosses his arms, still bitter to the core and revenge is still tainting his mind, no thought of freedom or happiness crossed his mind. Just Miranda. "I know. All she cares about is finding a body for Eva ... but you could finally be happy away from that crazy ass woman. Besides ... this plan has already been a huge failure." You exclaim in a gentle sigh, licking your lips before taking in a breath and so many memories flood back to your brain whenever you stare at something. Even this bed has so many memories.

"I ... I haven't failed. Besides blame Ethan for ruining an otherwise amazing plan. So much for working together." He spat, rolling his eyes at the thought that he was possibly bested by a mere human makes his blood boil. "This plan has nearly cost you your life and cost you a chance at even getting a sliver of freedom." You explain, another sigh leaves your lips as you stare down at the mattress beneath you, silence fills the room once more because Karl's pride won't allow him to see that maybe he had failed in his plan. "You even lost me ..." You muttered lowly almost in a whisper but Karl heard it and his expression twisted from bitter to disheartened and remorseful. "Look, I get that I hurt you and I hate it. But I needed to do it ... I needed to try and get rid of her! Get some kinda control over my own fucking life! I am done with being another experiment for her to use for her wishes! I ... I just want to be free ..." He exclaims, all manner of emotion is pouring out of him and seeping through his mask of charm, taking in a slow shaky breath as his throat tightens and memories flicker of his family, his real family. His mother, her warm smile that is reminiscent of yours, her warm comfy hugs and just remembering it had tears traveling down his cheeks as he clenched his jaw firmly. Your expression softened at the sight before you, a saddened and pitiful frown curls onto your lips as you can sense his pain, he really lost his life to being Miranda's experiment, to being her slave. A soft breath leaves your lips and you rest your hand upon his shoulder, expressing comfort as he inhales another shaky breath, pain is what became of him and he tried to fix himself only to become more broken.

"Karl, listen to me ... you're allowed to be happy ... you're allowed to smile, allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be happy." You coo, your words are gentle but powerful and your eyes are sincere, warm, and delicate to his eyes. He turns to you, eyes slightly puffy and an expression of pain is twisted on his face, letting a gentle breath when he looks at you, when he gazes into your eyes for a few moments, he's reminded of happiness, he's reminded of warmth, he's reminded of love and family. He still loves you. His eyebrows furrow before he wraps his arms around you, clinging to you desperately as he buries his face into you, still pain torments him when he can and it destroys his life. It destroyed his relationship with you, it destroyed everything around him and it almost destroyed him, he would've sacrificed everything just for freedom, just to have his life be his own. He sees it now, it comes to him painfully raw and honest and he almost hates it because of how he hurt you, the one damn good thing in his shitty miserable life. "I hurt you. I fucking hurt you and you came back for me? I ... I don't fuckin' deserve you ... at all ..." He exclaims, his words muffled into the fabric of your clothes as he can feel your arms wrap around him, your hands gently massage him and the simple gesture puts him at peace and ease. "I came back because as much as you hurt me ... you don't deserve this, Karl ... despite how I left you, I still care so much about you. Hell, when it's you I listen to my heart rather than my fucking brain. With you, it's different ... with you, I could never forget you. At all." You confessed with a soft sigh leaving your lips at the end of your words, your hands move to his long untamed grey and brown locks, you gently run your fingers through his locks and you nearly chuckle at the unique texture of his hair. "I didn't either, butterfly ... I hurt you and I see how I fucking hurt you, hell I didn't care if you left me I was still going to continue to plan despite how it hurt you. I'm an asshat. I wouldn't want to remember me if I did that." He exclaims, a gentle smile curls onto his lips as he stares up at you with a familiar smile that warms your heart, it leaves it jumping in your chest and leaves your stomach with butterflies.

"It's good that you see that and I hate that hurt you too ... I know that I left feeling so bad, so bitter about this whole fucking plan ... but this plan the only good thing it brought to you was bringing me to find your nearly dead ass." You chuckle, a wide smile curls onto your lips as a peaceful and joyful expression is plastered onto your face, another chuckle leaves your lips as a warm familiar smile remains on your lips. He can't stop himself from smiling as well, savoring these moments you share of nothing but pure joy, and he can't help but cup both sides of your cheeks. His fingers gently caress your cheeks, his smile warms your heart and your soul and the familiar sensation of his hands against your cheeks made you melt before him. Silence fills the room as he admires you, your beautiful features, and everything along with it. "Out of everyone in the world, I could never hate you ..." He chuckles almost like a giggly child at a toy store, a wide smile remains plastered on his face and his soul is singing, calling out for you and his heart thrashes wildly in his ribcage. You let out a gentle breath and suddenly his lips are pressed gently against yours, your stomach is crowed and flooded with butterflies, your heart is pulsating in your chest, and everything is calling out to Karl. Moments after, he pulls away from your lips with a somewhat worried expression on his face, he questions was he moving too fast, did you not want him but his thoughts are put to stop when your lips collide passionately against his. It came to you so naturally and once the thought appeared in your head, your heart followed along with it along with your body, and here you were passionately kissing the man who you hadn't seen in over 6 months. He groans against your lips, savoring and relishing the familiar sensations that came as his eyes flutter close, he was such a fool, such a fool to not see that he was risking the only thing that mattered for a chance at even getting freedom. He was but a child ...

Groaning against his lips as you began to clutch a fistful of his hair, the kiss quickly grew deeper and more heated, heavy breaths left both your lips as you gently devoured each other's lips, greedy for the sensations it brought you both. Groaning into your mouth once more, Karl's hands slip your jacket off of you, he throws it to the floor and buries his lips into your neck, kissing and sucking lightly at the sensitive skin earning a soft gasp from your lips at the sharp sensation. "Karl ..." You say in a ragged breath, hands still entangled in his locks of hair as he continues to kiss and suck on your neck, your body begins to heat up with arousal and your body begins to ache for Karl. "Damn ... I just can't get enough of you, can I?" He chuckles, grinning devilishly at you as his eyes glance at your lips once again, he pulls you into another heated kiss that has his tongue prying your lips apart. His tongue enters your mouth, his tongue grinds against yours and your tongues begin to dance erotically together causing both of you to moan against each other's lips at the tingling sensations that spread across your tongues. Karl's arousal begins to show with the bulge that swells in his pants, he continues to kisses you, moaning and groaning at the overdue sensation of a warm body against his. Pulling away from your lips, heavy ragged breaths leave both of your lips and he can't help but notice your flushed cheeks as a breathless expression remains on your face. "Do you want this ...? Do you want me, (Y/N) ...?" He asks in a ragged breath, his hand cups one of your cheeks, as he gazes intensely into your eyes, lust, and desire, clouded those beautiful eyes of yours and it was one of his favorite expressions on your face. "I want you so much ... I want nothing but you and your naked body to be mine ..." You answer, smirking devilishly at the man before you as a low chuckle soon leaves your lips, grinning widely at you he kisses your lips once again, cherishing the smooth and delicate feeling of your lips.

"Mmh, your lips feel amazing, darling ... I missed all of this, the kisses, the touches, the way you worship me ... I missed it all so much." He purrs lustfully as a chuckle soon follows after, taking in a breath he pushes you onto your back earning a gasp from you before he gets in between your legs. He stares at the tank top you wore, it hugged your body perfectly, and hell it exposed a lot of skin, though it was basic it was enough for him. You'll always be enough for him and more. "Arms up, darling ..." He chirps, you raise your arms, and off comes your tank top and your torso was immediately met with multiple kisses and bright hickeys that decorated your skin. Wrapping your arms around his chest, he takes one of your nipples into his mouth, he lightly sucks on one as his other hand explores your torso, caressing your skin gently and with care. Your heart is thrashing, pounding in your ribcage, and heat floods through your being, arousal comes with that and it leaves you aching so terribly with a need for sweet release. Heavy ragged breaths leave your lips, licking your lips as you can only think of Karl, what he was going to do to you, what you were going to do to him. He takes your nipple out of his mouth, trailing kisses down your stomach as he gets lower and lower until he reaches your bothersome pants, letting out a growl he harshly pulls your pants down and throws them somewhere before he immediately buries his face into your crotch. His tongue moves gently, caressing all your sweet spots as the heat begins to boil up deep inside of you, you relished and savored the moist heat that caressed you in such amazing ways. Moaning against you, his hands wrap around your thighs to keep you from moving too much but he thought it was all about making you feel better, tonight was all about what you wanted, whatever you wanted you will have it. "Oh, Karl ...! Hah ... shit ... shit ..." You moan shamelessly, your hands clutch and grasp at his long locks of hair as heavy breaths are pried from your lips along with whispers of his name falling from those beautiful lips of yours. "Enjoying it, darling ... am I being good for you? Am I a good boy? Tell me I'm a good boy, kitten ..." He purrs erotically, his words roll gracefully off his tongue before he buries his tongue back into you, kissing, licking, and sucking on all of your sweet spots. "Good boy ...! Oh, so good ... fuck I missed your mouth so much ..." You whine needily, clutching at the sheets beneath you as you lick your lips, waves, and waves of heated ecstasy washes over you in sharp and powerful waves.

"That's it ...! Fuck, don't stop ... don't stop fucking me with that tongue of yours ...!" You cry out in a series of moans that are soon followed by ragged breaths, you grind your hips against his mouth eager and aching for some form of release, eager for more of the ecstasy he gives you. But he suddenly stops as he can barely hold himself back from taking you right here and right now, he begins to unzip his pants and fights to get them off. An annoyed expression twists onto your face as you roll your eyes and get up from the bed, grabbing him by his shoulders and turning him around towards the bed as you push him onto the bed with a devilish grin. "It's my turn, love ..." You chuckle as you begin to straddle his lap with your arms pressed into his chest and you begin to take him inside of you as a heavy breathless moan of his name leaves your lips the moment his thick cock fills you. It throbs and twitches inside of you, making you nearly jump at the sensation before you take all of his thick throbbing cock inside of you, the way he fills you is like no other, his cock stretches you and fills you perfectly. The way your walls clung and hugged his thick throbbing cock drove him insane, a heavy groan left his lips at the tight heat that surrounded and embraced his throbbing cock. "Oh, fucking hell ...! Shit ... so damn tight and ... hot ... come on, darling ride me nice and hard. Leave me at your mercy ..." He purrs devilishly as a long chuckle soon follows after, lust clouds his remarkable green eyes, his hands reach up to cup your flushed cheeks as a warm joyful smile curls onto his lips. You smile back at him, joy washing over you like a breeze as you rested your hands upon his shoulders and began to chase eagerly and joyfully after your sweet and euphoric release. Your hips grind and roll against his lap, heavy breaths are pried from your lips as heat begins to build and rise through your body, Karl's heavy ragged breaths can be heard along with yours as he wraps his arms around your neck. A low "fuck" leaves his parted lips as his eyelashes weigh heavy on top of his shut eyelids, sharp electric sensations of bliss shot through him every time your hips went lower. Burying his teeth into his bottom lip, a heavy groan leaves his lips at the blissful heat that envelopes his throbbing eager cock, all he can do is stare in awe at your expressions of bliss and ecstasy. It's so amazing.

"Mmh, baby ... you're so goddamn beautiful ... so exquisite. Come on, tell me how much you love me ... show me how much you've missed me ..." He purrs with a devilish smile on his lips, biting his lips soon afterward he places his hands on your hips gently moving them back and forth just to speed things up a bit. Your cheeks quickly become flushed at his words as you lightly squeeze onto his shoulders, heavy breaths still leaving your parted lips as you begin to throw your hips up and down onto his thick throbbing cock. It presses and drives into you eagerly, lightly hitting your sweet spot causing whines of Karl's name to be pried from your lips, licking your lips you entangle Karl into another heated passionate kiss that is so full of tenderness and consideration. "Karl ...! F-fuck ...!" You whine needily as you pull away from his lips, your eyes flutter at the bliss that courses through you as the heat floods through you. Your teeth grind against your bottom lip gently before you begin to slam your hips down onto his throbbing cock that perfectly curled onto your sweet spot as it repeatedly hits that sweet spot making his name fall from your lips again and again. "Oh! Karl ...! Mmh, Karl ...! It's so fuckin good, Karl ...!" You moan breathlessly, throwing your head back at the ecstasy that washes over you in burning relentless waves, skin hitting against skin echoed through his bedroom as your moans and heavy breaths are Karl's melody. Groaning deeply, his hands move lower onto your ass cheeks, wrapping his fingers around the area he lightly squeezes them with a chuckle following after, it's not a minute before he's nearly arching his back and a long whine is pried from his throat. "Fucking hell, sweetheart ...! Ooh, hah ...!" He whines deeply as waves and waves of ecstasy washed over him, he couldn't be happier and everything in his being felt like it could cry of joy. "Karl ... I'm gonna ... oh fuck ... fuck ... gonna c-cum!" You manage to say, heavy breaths fill your throat and your heart thrashes and pounds erratically in your chest, thighs tremble and shake against his legs, and your entire body throbs and aches. "Kiss me, oh please kiss me ... tell me how much you love me ..." Karl rambles in a series of heavy breaths as he wraps his arms around your torso, leaning in for another heated kiss as you continue to slam your hips down as hard as you can moaning shamelessly against his lips. Your entire body trembles and pulsates erratically as you had boiled over, heat travels through you along with sweet sweet ecstasy that left you nearly screaming his name against his lips. Pulling away from his lips as heavy ragged breaths leave your lips, you gaze intensely, it's not moments before your name falls breathlessly from his parted lips and his expression of joy quickly fades into one of ecstasy and relief. Sharp powerful sensations of ecstasy shot through him relentlessly as began to cling to you, wrapping his arms around you clinging to you and to what for a second feels so much like a damn dream.

Wrapping your arms around him, you find serenity in his cool embrace and you find serenity in the idea that things are gonna be okay, that things are gonna change from today to hopefully years from now. You smile into his embrace before pulling out of his embrace, moments later as you gaze into each other's eyes once more, passion and warmth clouded his green eyes. That look in his eyes like he was just so ... happy and like you're the one thing that matters in his erratic and wild world. "So ... Karl, what's next for us? ... After Miranda is dead and all that bullshit ...?" You question with a curious smile resting upon your lips, you rest in his embrace and he can't help but chuckle at your words. "Whatever it is that is next for you ... whether it's fucking staying here or leaving for better places ... you go and I'll follow." He answers warmly and confidently as a chuckle soon follows after his words. "Oh, so I made you my loyal dog, have I?" You chuckle, beaming at the man before you as he can't help but chuckle once more at your words. "In a way, yes you have ... made me weak for you ... made me unafraid to be myself around you. ... You are incredibly special to me, butterfly ..." He says in a gentle breath, smiling warmly at you as you can't help but flush different shades of red at his words. "You're even more special ... I love you more than you will ever know Karl ... and I've loved you all this time ... I hope I will never stop loving you. That no matter how bad things get that we will get through it together." You exclaim in pure joy as you both end up smiling sheepishly at each other before you rest your head in the nape of his neck and he wraps his arms around, hoping for a more optimistic and brighter future than he could've ever imagined.

[awesomerextyphoon]

Speculum Cupido

Summary: You’ve been Dr. Strange’s apprentice for some time now and you wanted to prove your best friend wrong. It goes awry and both of you find yourselves in a ‘dark mirror’ universe where the Captain, the Asset, the Kraken, and the Fallen Angel want to make both of you theirs.

Pairing: Dark!Steve x Female Reader x Dark!Ransom, minor Dark!Bucky x OFC x Dark!Sam

Rating: 18+ / Explicit

Word Count: 3,072

Warning: Dub/Non-Con Smut, Oral (m & f receiving), Daddy Kink, MMF Threesome, Double Penetration, Spit Roasting, Non-Con Drugging, Breeding Kink, and Artistic License w/Biology

A/N: This is my gift to @labella420​ for @drabblewithfrannybarnes​, @chrissquares​ , and @amythedvdhoarder​’s Happy Hoelentine’s Day Challenge.  Dividers are by the lovely @firefly-graphics​. Shout out to @saiyanprincessswanie​ for letting me borrow an idea of hers for this fic. Thanks to @the-soulofdevil​ for the beta.

Back to Masterlist

Another Valentine’s Day, another day for the world to mock me being single.

You were having enough of a ‘meh’ week as it is. Dr. Strange had to return to Kamar-Taj for an in-person meeting and Wong was who knows where. They had instructed you to work on your portal and transfiguration spells while they were away which was fair since you’ve been lacking in that department.

It’s just that you longed for some excitement.

Luckily you wouldn’t be spending Valentine’s completely alone; Isabeau, your best friend, was coming over due to as she put it, ‘no one cares about a day where all one gets is somewhat good sex’.

Fast Forward two hours and you’re getting your room ready for Galentine’s Day Movie Night. You had decked out your room with homemade baked goods, drinks, best friend movies, all the good shit.

“I have wonderful news!” Isabeau burst in with gusto yet again.

You shot her a bemused smile, “What is it this time?”

“I have a new crush! It’s Eric from IT!”

“Are you sure this won’t end up like last time?” you queried in reference to the time when Isabeau’s crush turned out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh hush! This won’t be like that at all,” Isabeau retorted, “Now how about you? Have you had any luck with a hot sorcerer?”

“If only I’d be so lucky,” you muttered as Isabeau started on the Toffee Crunch Cookies you made.

A few minutes later, Isabeau’s eyes narrowed and her full lips curved upward in a mischievous smirk.

She had one of her ideas again.

“Hey, why don’t you try an ambiance spell. They’re harmless and you always feel better afterward.”

You didn’t like casting them due to something always going awry, but you relented once Isabeau broke out her puppy dog eyes.

“Alright, alright, I give,” you submitted, “I’ll try a simple floating star spell. Let me find the book.”

 Both of you went to the library for the book but it was nowhere to be found. All of the ambiance and illusion books were blank.

“Is this a sorcerer thing? I’m not seeing any words or illustrations,” puzzled Isabeau as you went through book after book in the library only to find them blank.

“No. Maybe we should just go back to my room,” you suggested as you made your way to the exit.

“Wait! There’s one book left. You could try that one.” Isabeau pointed to the last book on the shelf. It was a little worn like many of the books that resided in the library, but the inscriptions seemed odd; like it wasn’t supposed to be there.

Yet it was the only book that had anything in it.

“Fine,” you relented as you took the book back to your room.

  The spells in the book weren’t anything out of the ordinary, but one spell seemed to stand out to both of you.

“Speculum Mundus?” Isabeau wondered.

“It means Mirror World in Latin.”

“Oh,” her eyes got a mischievous glint to them again, “I bet you can’t cast the spell.”

“Not this again.”

“Oh come on,” Isabeau goaded, “It’s a simple mirror world spell. You’ve done it before. What’s the worse that can happen?”

“I don’t know…”

“Are you gonna chicken out again?”

“No! Just give me a minute,” you mumbled as your hands got into the starting position and recited the incantation.

  The room changed instantly.

It was filled with prism-like structures and kaleidoscope imagery giving the space a surreal ambiance.

It wasn’t unlike the last time you went into the Quantum Realm with Dr. Strange and Wong, and yet the hair on the back of your neck stood straight, and a chill shot through your spine.

You heard a gasp and turned around to see Isabeau with her protruding eyes opened wide and her mouth gaping. Following her line of sight, you saw four of the hottest men you’ve ever seen.

Though something was amiss.

For one thing, there were two Steve Rogers; one with a beard and one clean-shaven. Bucky Barnes’ arm was silver and not dark gray with gold highlights. All of them were in black uniforms with sections of vermillion and/or maroon. Clean-shaven Steve had a black tactical suit with a vermillion Kraken on his chest. Bearded Steve had a skull with tentacles on it. Sam had three vermillion stripes and one maroon stripe across his chest and shoulders with a falcon’s head in red surrounded by a black circle between his pecs.

But the thing that set off all your alarms was the fact that Bucky’s outfit was a dead ringer of his Winter Soldier days.

Instinctively, you grabbed Isabeau’s hand and made a mad dash for the hallway. You needed to get some distance so you could ground yourself.

You tried breaking the spell but to no avail. Not only did the spell not break, but your hands also burned at each attempt.

“We won’t lose you again!” one of the Steves yelled as you and Isabeau turned a corner.

“Come here, mici prințese!” another voice, probably Bucky’s shouted as the two of you made your way into a closet.

“I think we’re okay for now,” you breathed telepathically as the four Adonises crept past your hiding place.

“What’s the plan now?” Isabeau asked fearfully as her heartbeat started to rise in terror.

“I don’t know but-” you were cut off by a strike to the back of your head and your vision rapidly fading to black.

  Muffled voices and the beeping of medical equipment brought you from the void.

“Nothing is wrong….they’re…good, sir.”

“Be sure that they are. We can’t leave anything up to chance.”

Groggily, you open your eyes to find yourself in a sleek hospital room lightly chained to a bed. Several other people were monitoring your vitals. One of them is Dr. Bruce Banner, or what seems to be Dr. Banner.

Bruce turned to see you looking around with a slightly confused expression, “Ah, you’re awake,” he turned to one of his aides, “Contact the Captain and Lieutenant. Tell them to come to get their bride.”

You blinked. Bride?

“Where is Isabeau, my friend?” you inquired as one of the aides brought you some water.

Bruce scowled, “Don’t think about her. You might be able to see her if the Captain and/or Lieutenant wills it.” he remarked while eyeing you up and down in a condescending almost lecherous manner, “Hmm, looks great for breeding,” Bruce noted as he fondled and prodded your curves.

You’ve always been proud of how you looked, but at that moment you wanted to shrink in the corner after giving this Bruce a roundhouse kick to the groin.

You were about to tell Dark!Bruce to fuck off when Tony Stark, fuck it, Dark!Tony entered the room. This Tony looked a lot more sinister with his silver, gray, light, and steel navy blue armor. His face and hair were mostly uncovered with his facial expression positively predatory.

“Cap’s one lucky bastard. He gets a sexy bunny along with Lieutenant Smart Ass.”

Recalling how some megalomaniacs liked shows of submissiveness, you lowered your head and asked where you were.

Whether it be out of pity, spite, or malice, Tony answered your question, “You’re in another earth, another universe.”

You nearly swiveled to look outside the window. NYC’s skyline was radically different. There were fewer buildings and HYDRA insignias everywhere.

“HYDRA took over this world.” You deadpanned. FUUUUCK!

“Sexy and smart.” Tony praised sardonically.

It didn’t take time for HYDRA to regroup after WWII. Zola and his associates were able to convince Howard Stark to give them the Tesseract with the promise of great renown, riches, and no longer being bound by the laws of weaker men. They were able to create a superweapon with the help of Dr. Whitney Frost and have been ruling the planet ever since.

It could be worse. HYDRA knew they had to offer the people comforts in exchange for their obedience. They eradicated all diseases, created a good standard of living, and ended all petty conflicts under the new world order.

Though Tony didn’t feel the need to tell you. You’ll figure it out on your own.

The doors opened to reveal Steve Rogers and his younger, clean-shaven counterpart in all their masculine glory.

“Good, you’re here.” Bruce welcomed smirking at your silent pleas.

Both soldiers walked over and inspected you.

“Hello, kitten. Name’s Ransom.” The clean-shaven soldier drawled as he moaned from your scent, “Nice set of lips you’ve got there.”

“We’ll definitely have some fun with her,” Steve noted as licked his lips ogling your curves.

You had to use all of your restraint not to spit in their faces.

“We’ll take her.” Ransom decided while Steve nodded.

Several of the aides breathed a sigh of relief as Steve broke the chains on your bed like they were nothing.

“Don’t have too much fun now!” Tony called as Steve picked you up bridal style.

“Who am I kidding? they’ll breed her like a Catholic rabbit!”

  “Um, where are you taking me?” you queried, your voice barely above a whisper.

“You will address us as ‘Sir’ in public unless instructed otherwise. Is that understood?” It took all that Steve had not to push against the wall and pound your pussy with his cock he was so enraged.

No, he needed to wait. No one was to see what’s theirs.

Ransom, for his part, chuckled and shook his head, “Best not to anger this one, kitten. He hasn’t been in the best of moods.”

  You gasped once the doors to their living quarters opened.

The place was huge!

It had a modern yet retro design; it should’ve been confusing, but it worked. Grand windows showcased the skyline with a balcony in the middle with a huge kitchen next to what looked to be a restaurant-style fridge and a huge living room with a TV and a fireplace.

Yet there seemed to be something missing.

“Place needs a woman’s touch,” Ransom commented sending a smirk your way.

“I’ll see you in the guest quarters Ransom” Steve deadpanned as he led you down a hall.

  The bedroom was enormous yet sparse like they didn’t know what to do with it.

You were about to say something when Steve dropped you onto the incredibly soft mattress. His eyes darkened with lust and you knew what he wanted. You couldn’t think of a way out of this, not with the magic inhibitors Bruce placed on your wrists.

Maybe you could give escape one last try; you just had to wait for the right opening.

Steve smirked upon seeing you removing your clothes. He liked that you knew your place, his pretty little princess.

You could only gasp when Steve removed his uniform top. He had an incredibly defined musculature: broad shoulders, beefy biceps, chiseled pecs and abs, and a seriously drool-worthy Adonis Belt. The light shining behind him made his body appear even more glorious.

Steve looked like an ancient god brought to modern times.

With a predatory smirk, Steve slowly crawled to you loving the smell of your arousal. “Let me lay out a few rules, sweetheart. You will make our meals, clean our rooms, bear our children, and be our good little whore. You must earn the right to wear a bra; panties are out of the question.”

Each rule was emphasized by a kiss or a love bite to your jaw, neck, collarbone, and shoulders.

Finally, you are to address us as Sir in public and Daddy in private. Say it.”

“Yes, Daddy,” you muttered with your eyes downcast.

Steve lifted your chin up with his forefinger, “That’s a good girl,” and brought you in for a kiss on the lips.

The kiss was demanding yet soft. You were surprised he was capable of such gentleness.

Steve was about to push his tongue into his mouth when Ransom strolled into the room.

“Does she know the drill?”

Steve broke the kiss with a smirk,” Just finished explaining it.”

Ransom shot you a sardonic smirk, “You got the rules, kitten? Good. Now if you misbehave, I’m gonna send you to the dungeons for a few days.”

Steve started up again, “But...if you’re good-”

“A good little wifey,” Ransom interjected caressing your right cheek and leaning in for a kiss.

This kiss started off soft then intensified (really know how to lure a girl) into one filled with passion and dominance. Ransom forced his tongue into and moaned at your taste. A few seconds later he was pushing what felt like a small tablet past your tongue forcing you to swallow.

“Did you do it yet?”

“Cool it, grandpa! I did, don’t you worry. She’s gonna feel it. Aren’t ya, kitten.”

You started to feel strange. Your body temperature skyrocketed, your mind was in a deep haze, your thighs were clenching on overtime you were so turned on. You needed relief and fast.

“Please Daddies!” you begged as you tried your best not to touch yourself.

“See grandpa? She’s ready.” Ransom purred as he grabbed your thighs and placed them over his shoulders. He planted a few kisses near your entrance and groaned at the smell of your arousal.

It only took one long, slow lick to your slit to turn you into a moaning mess. You couldn’t believe the pleasure you were feeling. It was like a bolt of lightning shot through you.

Ransom groaned at the taste of your juices. Not even Stark’s overpriced chefs could compare. “Fuck, she tastes divine,” he groaned and dove in for more. Ransom attacked your folds and swollen clit with insane intensity and precision alternating between his tongue and fingers.

You were on cloud nine. Each motion took you further to the precipice of an orgasm. Ransom kept bringing you back from the edge only thrust you back into his level of tumultuous.

Steve got in on the action by covering your moans with a kiss of all-consuming passion and started playing with your breasts.

“Fuck, these tits are amazing! Can’t wait until these are filled with milk” Steve purred as he took one of your nipples into his mouth and the other between his big and forefingers.

After twenty minutes of teasing, Ransom finally let you come. A volcanic eruption of ecstasy erupted from your core and Ransom lapped up all of your juices.

“Rogers, you’re in for a treat!” Ransom exclaimed as he hopped off the edge of the mattress.

“I get her pussy first since you got to eat her out,” Steve uttered as grinned at your blissed-out state.

With a tsk, both of them got you into position with Steve’s thick, muscular thighs on either side of your hips and Ransom standing in front of you taking off his pants.

He was huge! His cock was long, thick, and veiny. It wobbled against his masterfully sculpted abs with each step he took. You wondered how that was going to fit in your mouth. Turns out Steve’s was no smaller if his tip being coated with your slick is any indication.

“This won’t hurt, kitten. You were made for us.” Ransom cooed.

You didn’t know how right he was.

Steve made his move by pushing into you inch by delicious inch and moaned at the sensation. “Fuck, she fits like a dream.”

“Don’t take forever, grandpa.” Ransom chided.

“Shut up, ya punk!” Steve retorted as he began thrusting into you loving the way your pussy clenched around him like a vice’s grip.

“Open wide, kitten,” Ransom started to push his throbbing cock into your mouth.

It took a bit of time and effort to loosen your jaw enough for him to fully enter you. He started fucking your mouth before you were ready. You tried not to gag he was so rough.

What happened to the man from earlier?

“Fuckin’ perfect.” Ransom breathed as he was approaching his climax.

Steve came with a primal roar that reverberated throughout the room after making you come two more times.

“Swallow it, kitten” Ransom ordered.

Funny thing is, you didn’t need the order. You delighted in the salty, tangy, and slightly sweet flavor.

Two minutes after you swallowed all of Ransom’s spent, both men decided it was time to move. Ransom got onto the mattress and pulled you on top of him with his tip nudging your entrance. Steve got behind you and placed kisses along the juncture between your neck and shoulders while positioning himself at your ass.

“Please...please don’t do this!” you pleaded, the pill’s effect slipping for the tiniest of moments.

Steve grabbed your neck with just enough force to pause, not hurt.” Best be a good girl now, sweetheart,” he warned.

Ransom slid in first, “Holy fucking shit!” he moaned, “Sam owes me $40.

“That depends on how well their bride is taking to them,” Steve pointed out.

“Eh, we’ll say ours is better.”

Ransom moaned again once he bottomed out and grabbed the globes of your blessed backside. He couldn’t wait to grab and smack it around in their quarters.

Steve moved slowly causing both of your breathing to hitch, his from pleasure and yours from slight pain.

With a grin and smirk, they started moving in tandem. Your body almost couldn’t take the immense pleasure you were feeling.

“I could get used to this,” Ransom remarked.

“Well, we have the week,” Steve breathed past your ear.

Both kept at it until they came in you twice. You nearly passed out after your twelfth orgasm.

“Rest kitten,” Ransom purred as you finally gave in to your exhaustion.

  “The bride took to our seed,” Steve reported to Director Pierce.

“Good. We found their parents along with the rest of the resistance.” Pierce imparted.

Steve scowled at the information.

You and your friend, Isabeau, were the only ones to survive the Eve Project. HYDRA wanted to genetically groom compatible brides for their top soldiers. You were promised to Steve and Ransom and your friend to Bucky and Sam. Both of you were whisked away to another Earth by the resistance and your treacherous parents.

Now you were back where you belong.

“When do we leave?” Ransom growled.

“Once Strange and Wanda crack the protection spell. In the meantime, enjoy your bride.” Pierce turned to leave, but stopped before turning off the screen,” I want to see some little ones soon.”

[hansensgirl]

here, kitty kitty.

summary | Your sugar daddy wants his wildest dreams to come to life. You, on the other hand, aren’t really into it.

warnings | Dubcon, dark themes, pet play, Dark!Sebastian Stan, Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship, degrading, praise, humiliation, spanking, overstimulation, use of a leash, spanking via a paddle, butt plugs, no this isn’t beastiality; pet play is a kink, she’s not a furry, public sex? (the reader takes her panties off in the car), tail plug, dildos, vibrators, kneeling, cat ears (headband), smut, rough sex, anal play, dacryphilia?, use of a vibrating butt plug, double vaginal, finger sucking, crawling, + more!! this is a dark fic!! if you aren’t comfortable with reading any of these things, then don’t read this fic!! i am not responsible for your media consumption. +18!!!

pairings | Dark!Sugar Daddy!Sebastian Stan x Shy!Reader.

authors note | this is a birthday drabble for the lovely @peachyteabuck. happy birthday bb! i hope your day is amazing, wonderful, special and full of love and happiness!! you’re such an amazing person and friend, and even though i don’t know much about you, i can tell you’re an even more amazing person in real life. happy birthday, ily! also, this is a dark!sebastian stan fic. i am not implying that sebastian would do this, it’s basically an au. it’s fiction, and fiction isn’t real! any hate comments will be deleted and you’ll be kindly blocked, even if you’re a mutual <3 also i am not trying to wipe the existence of alejandra, once again, it’s fiction! it ain’t real. gif credit to my special baby @mypoisonedvine !! ily!

Your dainty fingers flittered over price tags carelessly. Dollar signs filled your eyes, gleaming and glittering with awe and shock. You couldn’t believe yourself. Once upon a time you used to stare at clearance tags over and over, wondering how gravely it would affect your financial situation. Trips to the bank grew frequently and so did the pile of job applications on the wonky kitchen table you owned. You grimaced at the painful memory, there was no way you’d ever be able to go back to that living nightmare. You sighed as you couldn’t find anything you liked in the store. Associates decked down in all black stood in the back of the store, per your sugar daddy’s request. Sebastian Stan, one of the highest paid actors and a complete heartthrob. You remembered how you both had met, you were his waitress at some expensive French restaurant. You were getting an earful from one of his team members and he had swooped in and saved the day. Soon after that came lavish dates and gifts, and eventually the ultimate proposition that changed your life in the blink of an eye.

He made quick work of moving you out of your cardboard box of an apartment and into his regal condo that laid in the Upper Eastside of New York. Your wardrobe was wiped clean with name brands that made your heart flutter. Decadent jewelry was donned as he liked it -- simple, yet elegant. Pearls laid on your clavicle, not too tight yet not too loose. He dressed you himself that day, as he did everyday. He took care of you like a little pet, one that he was very proud of. He stood right behind you, eyes trailing up and down your body as he admired you. You felt shy under his stoic gaze, ducking your head down. “Babydoll, did you see anything you liked?” He asked, placed his hand on the small of your back. You hesitatingly relaxed into it, nervous yet comforted at the same time. He always kept you on your toes. One minute, his hands would be constantly roaming your body, and the next, they’d be gone.

He had done a marvellous job at keeping your relationship private. You knew how paparazzi would camp outside his many residentials, vying for a simple snap of the actor. But he was smart, always one step ahead. “No, Daddy…” You trailed off, your voice no more than a quiet whisper. You were always shy towards him, especially in public. Quite frankly, you were intimidated. And he loved that about you. You always worried that the other workers in the store would judge you, envy you, sneer at you, or even take pictures of you and him. They were paid hush money, a crisp Benjamin would be slipped into their hands discreetly and sometimes along with a ticket to his latest movie or an autograph. An Italian suit framed his body perfectly, slicked back hair and a strong jawline that made your mouth water. It was grey, almost like the muted tones his eyes held in the midst of cerulean. “Poor baby, you want Daddy to choose something for you?” He asked, the name making you whimper.

You nodded timidly, the heat of embarrassment creeping up your cheeks as shame crawled up your body. His large hand came up and rubbed your bottom lip gently, loving the way it had a slight pout to it. “Go to the dressing room, baby.” He decreed, making you nod and walk over to the room that was closed off with velvet curtains. As soon as he heard your footsteps recede farther, his voice boomed around the store. He had heard the workers talking about you, saying degrading things that would undoubtedly make you cry. He was protective, and he wasn’t going to let some measly, ill-mannered people dishearten you. Maybe you did hear their words, that’s why you couldn’t find anything. “I swear to god, I’ll make sure none of you get a proper job for the rest of your lives! You’ll live in your families’ basements and you’ll neve be happy for the rest of your lives. I’ll ruin you all.” He yelled, revelling in the way they all had tears in their eyes. He dismissed them calling the owner to make sure they got fired.

Veins popped out and his face turned red as he desperately tried to calm down. He searched the store for something for his baby, but prevailed with nothing. He stormed to a mirror and smoothed his hair down, checking his suit for wrinkles and swallowed thickly. He walked through the velvet curtains and spotted you sitting on one of the leather ottomans, one leg bouncing with anxiety and your lip between your teeth. You were lost in the deep sea that was your thoughts, not even noticing that your sugar daddy came for you. Strong hands weighed down on your droopy shoulders, squeezing them slightly to disrupt your far too long thought train. “Did you hear anything, baby?” He asked, leaning closer to you. His warm breath fanned against the back of your neck, lips soft against your ear. You furrowed your brows and turned to look at him.

Worry, fury and dominance etched his features. “Hear what?” You asked, pure naivety lacing your tone. Worry morphed into relief, and his frown turned into a small smile. “Nothing, we’re gonna go now. This store is quite -- how must I put it? -- lackluster.” He smiled, ushering you to get up. You followed him like a little puppy, latching onto the bottom sleeve of his suit. The clicking of your heels on the floor were almost in rhythm with your breathing. Long strides managed to keep you up and deep breaths calmed your nerves. You knew anyone could be watching, phones out as they readied to expose you. You could never brace yourself from the sharp teeth of the internet, as they were always ready to tear you both apart. You ducked your head down and cowered behind him as he led you away from the preposterous mall.

He turned around and looked down at you, sternly telling you something. But you don’t pay attention. Instead you chose to ignore him and marvel at the small dog in a stroller. Sure, it was flamboyant in it’s own way, but how could anyone ignore the sight? The dog is a mix between a shih-tzu and something else that you couldn’t quite figure out. You watched as the stroller passed you and headed into the mall, getting lost somewhere in there. “...Are you even listening to me, kitten?” He asked dubiously, raising one of his eyebrows. “Hmm?” You hummed, turning to look at your Daddy. “Sorry, Daddy, there was just a cute dog in a stroller that I saw!” You exclaimed, pouting slightly out of habit. Sebastian took a deep breath before sighing heavily. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried his hardest to not lose his cool.

He had given you a set of rules when your relationship started. They toed at the line of strict and controlling, but after he explained every single kink and reward they were reasonable in your naive, doe-like eyes. You didn’t dare to question them or his authority, knowing that would only end with him engulfing in flames of rage and fury. He had a short temper, one that he had developed over time. Maybe it was the stress and the pressure of his privileged, well-earned life, but you’ll never know. Listening to him was one of those rules, high on the list that he always prioritized over most things. He loathed it when you didn’t listen to him. “I said, go sit and wait in the car. Oh, also, ditch the panties.” He snapped, making you whimper. In the two years of your relationship, you were never fond of his harsh tone. “Yes, Daddy.” You squeaked, walking away to the sleek Jaguar that was parked along with the other luxurious cars. You bit your tongue as you weaved your way through millions of dollars that were on wheels.

You carefully opened the passenger door and sat in the leather seat that had a pink, fluffy blanket covering it. You closed the door and set your small, round, pink Chanel handbag under your seat. Hesitatingly, you reached up your dress and your fingers blindly found your panties. You hooked your thumbs around the lace fabric that was a bit too expensive for your taste. You lifted your lower body up and slowly pulled the fabric down, falling into a jumble at your feet. You struggled to untangle them from your heels, before finally triumphing with a small grunt. You shoved the panties into your purse and bit your lip. Embarrassment gnawed at you as you saw people walking by. But they couldn’t see you at all. The darkly tinted glass was like flimsy armour for you in your eyes. Nobody saw through them, but it still made you feel like you were being watched. Leisurely, you began to get lost in that deep sea of thoughts again.

What would he do?  Was he going to take you to another mall? You picked at the ends of your Kate Spade dress. It was fancy, dainty, something a princess would wear once and throw away. It made you look classy and tasteful. Underneath it, though, was a different story. Numerous hickeys, bruises and bite marks littered your skin. The marks made you feel small, submissive and owned. Possessed like a play thing, like his pet. Sebastian loved to see you all marked up, it was like you were his work of art and he was the artist. You shyly spread your legs and felt a sweat beginning to form on your back. Your palms began to sweat too, out of pure nervousness of course. You gripped the seats and sighed, before wiping your hands on the blanket. You looked up and saw Sebastian walking out with two bags in his hands. He clutched the silky handles of the bags and walked in long, harsh strides. A small scowl was on his face, seemingly displeased with the day so far.

He weaved his way through the cars as did you. He harshly opened the door for the driver’s seat as if it wouldn’t cost a fortune to repair. He sat down and sighed, shoving the Tiffany & Co. bag in the backseat. You pouted, feeling the anger radiating off of him like heat. The other bag remained in his hands, but you couldn’t recognize the store name. “Daddy got you a few gifts, okay kitten?” He handed the bag over to you as he spoke. You nodded but didn’t dare to open the bag as he hadn’t given you permission. “Thank you, Daddy!” You giggled, your voice holding innocence He smirked at you and crept his hand up your thigh, slowly but surely. Ring-donned knuckles grazed against your wet folds, bumping up against your swollen, sensitive clit. You let out a whimper at the feeling and slick drooled out of you from his touch.

“Daddy…” You whined, looking down at your lap. “Yeah baby?” He asked, playing dumb to the fact that he was toying with your sensitive pussy. You bit your tongue before you could beg and plead for more. You knew he didn’t like it when you were greedy for more. He pulled his hand away from your pussy and you both admired the way his fingers glistened with your arousal. He shoved the same fingers into your mouth, making you gag and drool. You sucked on them as if you were starved, the sweet yet slightly bitter taste of your slick filling your mouth. He pulled his fingers out with a sounding ‘pop’ that made you giggle. “Good kitten, guess you’re not so dumb after all.” He husked, the mix of praise and degradation making you wetter. He revved the engine of his car and began to pull out of the parking lot, driving ensuite to his Upper Eastside home.

The rumble and vibrations of his car went straight to your pussy, reminding you of the time where he sat you stark-naked on the hood of his car and revved the engine just to tease you. Later that night, he chided and punished you for being a messy little kitten. The vivid, lewd memory made you clench your thighs as you were desperate for some sort of friction. Sebastain’s right hand danced all over your body as his left hand gripped the steering wheel tightly. You both got lucky that afternoon, as rush hour traffic had yet to start. Smoothly, he parked in the private garage that housed some of his other cars. They were all worth more than anything, probably hundreds of thousands of dollars. He led you out of the garage and into the elevator, a sweet jazz tune playing at a low hum that was almost missable. You still held onto the bag that he gifted you and you even dared to try and take a peek inside.

The sparkly tissue hid the gift well from your intrusive, detective eyes. You bounced on your feet as you wondered what it could possibly be. It was slightly heavy, but you partially blamed your weak muscles for that. Sebastian never let you lift a finger when it came to hard work. You barely paid attention to the ding of the elevator as you had reached the floor of his penthouse. Sebastian gently dragged you out, your short steps barely keeping up with his long strides. The click of your heels no longer made a sound as the carpet of the hallways muted them gently. “Now when we get inside, I want you to strip everything and kneel on the floor.” He ordered, voice at a low baritone that made you even wetter. Your noticed that your inner thighs were slightly damp with arousal, your pussy leaking with want.

 “Yes, Daddy.” You smiled, easily obeying him. You could already feel the ache in your knees that would come with kneeling on the floor. He opened the door and you swiftly  made your way to the bedroom. You swung the door open and was met with the room that you spent most of your time in. Grey hues illuminated under the brightness of the chandelier. You gently kicked your shoes into a corner and quickly shed all your clothes off, gently laying them onto the white divan that was at the feet of your bed. You bit your lip as you wondered whether or not you should take a peak in the bag. But you reminded yourself of the consequences your curiosity always brought you. He knew, he always knew when you let your hands and eyes wandered like tourists in Venice. You hesitatingly set the bag onto the dresser, before clumsily unclasping your pearl necklace. You were out of breath at that point, chest heaving like you had just ran a marathon. You hugged your naked body as you moved back to the divan, kneeling in front of it. On the floor, the fluffy carpet dug into your knees slightly, making you wince.

You looked down at the ground and clasped your hands behind your back. The cool air made goosebumps rise like the dead rising from their graves. Your cunt throbbed with anticipation and neediness, you just couldn’t wait for him. Your heart clamoured wildly as you heard him walk closer to the bedroom, opening the door to be pleased by the sight of you on your knees. “Such a good little kitten.” He praised, loosening the expensive tie around his neck.  The blazer of the Armani suit was strewn somewhere in the kitchen and all Sebastian was left with was his dress pants and dress shirt. He rolled his sleeves up as he walked around you, making the hairs on the back of your neck raise. You were undoubtedly nervous for what was about to come. You heard the rustling of the bag from the dresser, the sound reverberating throughout the room. “You’d let Daddy do anything to you, right?” He asked, pulling out the bottle of lube from the bag.

“Of course, Daddy!” You exclaimed, knowing it was another one of his rules. Let daddy do whatever he wants to you. He smirked as he pulled the glittery box out of the bag, carefully setting it down next to the bottle of lube. He grabbed everything else from the bag, leaving only the tissue paper. “Close your eyes, kitten.” He demanded, and you listened easily. You slowled your erratic breaths down and furrowed your eyebrows at a foreign feeling. A headband laid on your head and was tucked behind your ears. Then you felt his hands ghosting around your neck, followed by the feeling of cool leather. Sebastian fastened the collar together and tightened it just enough to have you slightly gasping for air. His hands left your neck and his fingers played with the little bell on the front of the collar.

The sound made you even more confused and lost. But you didn’t dare to open your mouth. “Such a cute little kitten.” He cooed, walking back to the dresser. He hastily opened the box with a loud rip and marvelled at its contents. Headbands, tails, buttplugs, paddles, handcuffs, ball gags, dildo gags, dildos, vibrators, leashes, and nipple clamps of all kinds were at his disposal, all for his little kitten - you. He grabbed the pink leash and unwrapped, it carefully, opening its clasp to attach to your collar. “Now open your eyes, kitten.” He instructed, gripping the leash tightly. You opened your eyes and gasped, panic taking over your body. “Sebastian, what’s this?” You nervously questioned, your bottom lip quivering. The smile on his lips quickly turned into a scowl, as you had broken a rule. Never, ever call him Sebastian. He tugged on the leash harshly, pulling you up. “What the fuck did you just call me?” He growled, clearly in no mood for you to act out.

“S- Sorry, Daddy.” You quickly apologized, terrified of his hell-sent wrath. You hesitatingly reached up to touch the headband. Your eyes went wide as you felt ears that would resemble cat ears. Cat ears, the leash and the collar… You added it all up and gasped as it dawned on you, he was into pet play. “Now listen, kitten. You gotta listen to the rules, and if you don’t listen then I could punish you by ending this little relationship, okay? I know you can’t survive without me, and you should remember that.” He spat, making your throat tighten up with an impending sob. You swallowed it down and nodded, deciding to listen to him. “Good kitten.” He praised, smiling once again. He pushed you down and pulled your ass up into the air, and you let him manhandle you. Your dripping pussy was exposed to him and shame bit you like a snake.

He let go of the leash and walked to the dresser, and for a split second you thought you could have ran away. But as soon as he turned back around, those thoughts went away. The coolness of the lub made you flinch as he poured some onto your ass hole. He carefully spread it around but didn’t bother to warm you up. You shouted when you felt the tip of the tail plug push into your puckered hole. It stretched your ass out painfully and you couldn’t bear the pain. It shot up your spine and made you feel dizzy. You thought you were going to pass out as the large part of the plug forced its way into you. Finally, the excruciating pain stopped increasing. Into died down to a low thrumming and throbbing and soon dwindled into an aching pleasure. You felt full yet empty, which only made you whine pathetically.

“Poor kitten, so desperate for your Daddy, hm?” He snickered, making you shy away from him. Your wetness coated your inner thighs and began to drip from your cunt, the sweet scent of it making him moan. “Before I fuck that tight little pussy of yours, I believe I have to punish you.” He spoke, shrugging his shirt off. You watched from the corner of your eyes as he stripped down to his birthday suit that was always a delectable sight for your eyes only. Your mouth salivated as you saw his large, hard cock in his boxers. You couldn't fight the urge to rub your thighs together at all. The slight friction was euphoric, but it just wasn’t enough. Sebastian picked up the paddle that had the word ‘mine’ engraved on it. He walked back to your bent over form and soothingly rubbed your ass before speaking.

“Count them, and don’t forget to thank me.” He implored, smacking the paddle harshly on your right ass cheek. “One, thank you Daddy.” You squeaked out. He took turns on each cheek, hitting you with the same amount of agonizing strength. Tears streamed down your face as you sobbed after each spank. Your ass was bruised, the word ‘mine’ indented all over it. “Twenty, thank you Daddy!” You whimpered. “You like this, don’t you? Such a good little kitten, all slutty and dripping for your Daddy.” He gently barked, making you nod. His words only added gasoline to the fire that was your shame and arousal. You felt a harsh tug from the leash and suddenly you were on your hands and knees, just like a kitten. Your mascara was leaking, smeared on your face like in those angsty-heartbreak movies.

Sebastian wiped the tears and ruined mascara away, but he only made you l;ook more pathetic than before. He’d love to fuck your beautiful face until you passed out, or to slap your little cheeks until you begged for more. He wanted to break you, to turn you into his little kitten. You gulped down your fear as you waited for what he’d gladly give you next. Your eyes fell to his hard cock, still stuck in its confinement that was his Hugo Boss boxers. They hung right where his intriguing v-line was, the same path that would lead you to your treasure -- his cock. You looked up at him, watching as he sucked his bottom lip between his pearly whites. “Beg for it.” He growled. You knew how much he loved to hear you beg. It made him feel superior, it fed his ego but it made you feel submissive and desperate. But oh, the rewarding praise it would come with was so addictive, like ecstasy.

“Please daddy? I’ll be a good little kitten! I need your big cock daddy, please?” You begged, your voice slightly strained from the screaming and yelling. You looked up at him and unintentionally gave him those puppy eyes that always made him weak in the knees. Glazed over orbs that were slightly sad, begging in their own language that was silence. Sebastian let go of the leash and stalked away from you, keeping his predatory eyes trained on you. You admired the scratches that were stained on his back that your well manicured nails left behind. Just like a kitten. He sits on the bed and crosses his arms, large muscles bulging and the sight makes you whimper -- loudly. You loved the way your small hands would struggle to grip his large biceps as you’d scramble for purchase whilst he’d rail into you.

The phantom feeling of his cock driving in and out of you sparks something inside of you, pushing you into a light, floaty headspace. The loud snap of his fingers made you jump with fear. He pointed at the floor next to him and you furrowed your eyebrows with mystification. You knew he wasn’t going to help you out then, no. You were all on your own. Sebastian raised his eyebrow as he waited for you to crawl towards him, just like how a kitten should. He wasn’t going to help you out, you needed to learn on your own. He longed for you to fully fall into the headspace that would make you all dumb and stupid. He loved to break you, to see you depend on him for everything. “D- Daddy?” You called out, waiting for him to tell you to do something. But he remained as silent as a stone. “Here, kitty, kitty...” The snapping, the pointing, and the waiting… He wanted you to crawl, didn’t he?

You gulped and winced as you put one knee before the other, one hand before the other. You soon met Sebastian's bouncing feet, before looking up at him. All your arousal leaked all over you, and as much as you hated to admit it, the whole thing turned you on even more. The dominance, the degrading, the feeling of needing him, it all made the passionate fire in your abdomen continue to burn. Sebastian turned to face you and ran his thumb across your lips, smearing your saliva around. He pushed his thumb in your mouth and you eagerly sucked on it as if it were his cock. He abruptly pulled it out, making you put. “Nuh uh, none of that.” He chided, feeling his cock stirring in his pants. “Such a good, dumb little kitten. Take daddy’s cock out.” He jeered, and you nearly sobbed. Finally, finally. You swiftly pulled his boxers down, watching as his large cock bounced up and hit his lower abdomen. Thick ropes of pre-cum leaked down the shaft of his cock and you never wanted to suck him off more in your life.

You involuntarily darted your tongue out to lap up all the pre-cum, but a harsh tug on the pink leather leash halted you. “As much as I’d love to stuff your cute, slutty little mouth with my cock, I’m in the mood to fuck you until you’re just a braindead kitten.” He belted, leaving no room for argument or begging. He leans down and captures your lips in a heated, rough kiss. You can barely keep up with the Greek God-esque man. The kiss is dominating; arduous and vehement. His teeth nipped at your wet lips and you whimper into the kiss, only adding gasoline to the fire. He forcefully pushed his tongue into your mouth and you let it explore everywhere. You sucked out it softly, rubbing your thighs together to alleviate the burning ache that just seems to only intensify. He pulled away from you all at once and you felt dizzy. Your lips were throbbing and suddenly you’re thrown onto the bed.

You felt the plug push farther into you -- further shocking you as it already was so deep. It grazed against each and every one of your sensitive spots, making you cry out. It was the kind of pleasure that was also painful, but the kind of pain that made you want to be hurt more and more. You wondered if you were a masochist, if Sebastian had turned you into a masochist. But at that time, that was the least of your worries. From the corner of your eyes, you saw the glint from the glittery box that Sebastian had purchased. He flipped you onto your stomach and slowly pulled the tail out, stroking it every now and then. “Ngh.” You moaned out it was pulled out all the way. Sebastian stared at your gaping hole, wishing he could just stick his cock in you and fuck you into oblivion. He could, but he shouldn’t; not yet at least.

You gripped the sheets tightly, silk slightly slipping from your sweaty hands. A gasp flew past your lips as Sebastian puckered his lips and spat on your puckered hole, before rubbing it in. You fought the need to push your hips back against his thumb, slowly pushing into you. The stretch was just as painful as the plug, your poor ass burning. He pulled his thumb back out before grabbing another plug, one that had a pink tail. He swiftly pushed it in and your eyes rolled back into your skull at the feeling. It wasn’t as painful as before, it was actually pleasurable. You swore you lost your vision for a brief second, and even your breath as well as your morals. Well, you lost your morals a long time ago, to be frank.

You felt him stroke the fluffy part of the tail again, almost trying to soothe you. He fiddled with the base of the plug, trying to find the little nub that was supposed to be there. His fingers flipped it and suddenly the plug began to vibrate. Muted, strong vibrations radiated throughout your ass and up your spine, even reaching to your poor little pussy. You moaned pornographically, bucking your hip involuntarily, humping the air. “Aw, poor little kitten is so needy.” He taunted, even though it was the same case for him. He was harder than anything and it was almost painful. Pre-cum leaked from his aching, silky and dripped down to his swollen balls.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled your hips back towards his and grinded his cock against your dripping pussy. You were so wet that you could smell the slightly bitter scent of your arousal in the air. It was muted, faint, but anybody would have noticed. Sebastian grabbed the base of his cock and bumped the silky, bulbous head of his cock against your clit. You cried out, “Please daddy!” But he only turned up the vibrations and continued to rub the tip against your pearl of nerves. His cock teased your drooling hole, and you just couldn’t take it anymore. “Please fuck me, daddy!” You pleaded. Sebastian sheathed his cock into your wet pussy, impaling you. You wheezed as he slowly bottomed out, his cock slightly grazing your cervix.

You didn’t mind it, though. He stayed still, his cock throbbing inside your core. He reached for the pink hitachi wand and turned it on, pressing it onto your poor little clit. You shrieked at the abrupt amount of pleasure, your hand darting down to where the wand was. You held it in place even though your hands were shaking. Your body held a slight tremor and Sebastian began to pound into your pussy. The sound of skin slapping, both of your moans and the obscene squelching from your pussy filled the room. “Oh fuck!” You yelled, feeling your orgasm building up already. “Fuck, so tight.” Sebastian groaned, thrusting into you even harder. His cock kept nudging against your g-spot, each time making you dizzier.

“D- Daddy… Can I cum? Please?!” You squealed, your voice louder than the banging that came from the bed headboard against the wall. “Fuck- No, hold it.” He growled, before moaning loudly, You clenched around his cock, the pleasure pushing you closer and closer to your release. Sebastian watched as your juices coated his cock, glistening with your arousal. “Please daddy?” You begged, knowing all too well that you might pass out if you don’t cum — at least that’s what it felt like. Your pussy squeezed him with all it’s mine, wetness dripping all over the sheets and you struggled to stop screaming. “Oh!” You gasp as he pushed the plug into you deeper. “Yeah, take in deep in your slutty, tight little pussy. You gonna cum, kitten? Such a good little pet!” He shouted, and you wailed. “Cum, cum all over my cock.” He commanded. The dam inside you broke as you came all over his cock, milking him. “Thank you, Daddy!” You mewled, bucking against his cock.

You babbled dumbly as you soon became overstimulated. Sebastian tugged on your leash and the bell on it rang non-stop. You tried to run away from him, the pleasure becoming too much. But you soon found yourself moving back against his cock, fucking yourself. “Poor kitten, can’t take my cock now even though you fuckin’ begged for it.” He spat, his thrusts growing sloppy. Your pussy spasmed as you came for the second time, your vision becoming darker than usual. You fell against the bed but you didn’t relent your grip on the wand. Your body was on fire, heart clamouring at such a rate that you couldn’t calm it down. “Oh fuck…” He groaned, pulling out of your pussy to stave off his orgasm. Your cum dripped from his cock as he flipped you onto your back and spread your legs wide.

Sebastian plummeted his cock back into your pussy and grabbed the sparkly dildo in the box. Before you could ask him what he was about to do, he slowly pushed the dildo alongside his cock. It wasn’t as big as his cock, no, but it was enough to have you screaming at him to stop. You pushed at his hard chest but he didn’t budge. Instead, he growled at you to stop. “...If you don’t listen then I could punish you by ending this little relationship, okay? I know you can’t survive without me, and you should remember that.” His words echoed in your mind like a memory that you wanted to forget but you were always reminded of it. You both moaned once he stopped pushing the dildo into your stretched out pussy. You were sure that he ruined you for anyone else.

He slowly began to thrust both his cock and the dildo in and out of you. His thrusts were slow but sharp and hard, even though they were slightly sloppy. You came for a third time, your mouth falling open as you let out a silent scream. Tears streamed down your cheeks again and you couldn’t take it anymore. “One more, kitten.” He bargained even though you knew you couldn’t object. His cock and the dildo hitting your g-spot over and over, the butt plug, and the hitachi wand were all too much for you. But they all ruined you over and over, and they all made you cum over and over. “Oh- Oh my god! ‘M gonna cum so fucking hard!” You preened, arching your back off the bed. You unintentionally pressed the hitachi wand harder against your clit, only intensifying your orgasm.

You gushed around Sebastian’s cock as thick, white, hot ropes of cum painted your walls. His cock pulsed in your pussy as he continued to fill you up. Shockwaves were sent throughout your body and you left the conscious world for a few seconds — making a quick trip to heaven. Or hell. Sebastian pulled out and watched as his cum followed both his cock and the dildo. Your sore hole gaped slightly, all fucked out and ruined. He turned the vibrators off and you curled up into a ball. You slowly descended from your powerful high, sighing heavily. You shut your eyes as you ushered Sebastian to cuddle you. But he just chuckled like a sadist. “Oh no kitten, did you think we were done?”

[justletmeplayminecraft]

Moving Day

it's the day that comes at the end of every season. and yet, somehow, the hermits still get caught off guard by it.

featuring: hermit ensemble, slice of life fluff, imagine moving houses but like every year and a half, werewolf!ren, something!joe, artic fox!etho, he is vaguely developed, there's pretty much no plot, just fluff, an ode to the end of this season

"Zed, you're gonna be late!" Tango calls as he drops in through the ceiling. With a bang, a mop of blond hair pokes out of the central storage. Zed rubs his head, pulling himself up.

"You're the one who distracted me with the Create world!" He replies, hauling a bag up the ladder with him. Tango laughs, throwing it over his shoulder as Zed flops onto the stone ground.

"Sure I was, it's not like you brought it up." Zed huffs, rolling his eyes. He holds his hands up towards Tango, who laughs. "Oh, you want to go over my shoulder too?" He teases.

"You are insufferable," Zed mutters, pushing off the stone himself instead. The cold is starting to seep through his cardigan.

"Have you packed everything?" Tango asks. Zed holds his fingers up to count off.

"Yes, I've checked everything four times! Maybe five, actually. I don't think there's anything left." Zed looks back at the ladders, closing his fist. Tango examines the pile of bags, humming.

"So you're sure you don't want me or Impulse to check for you?" Zed's mouth opens.

"Actually, can you check anyway?" He asks, "You know, just in case!" Tango laughs, giving Zed's shoulder a bump.

"Of course we will. But let's move these before Xisuma forgets them." Zed nods, quick to grab some of the bags. He heaves them up, almost buried under them.

"Season eight here we come!"

-

"You two!" Doc calls, scooping up the white fox before he manages to rush past him. Ren very nearly runs straight into his legs. The wolf sits down, ears twitching as he stares at Etho. Etho sticks his tongue out, Doc struggling to keep a hold on the silky fur. "You two aren't helping, you know that?" Ren barks, tail wagging. "Yeah, yeah."

With a wiggle, Etho manages to slip out of Doc's arms. He jumps up, curling around his shoulders instead and getting comfortable. Doc sighs. He bats Etho's shawl out of his face, ignoring the amused chitter. Counting, he finds most of his bags already in his ender chest. Luckily, because the two animals playing around him are making it difficult. Unlike-

"Doc," Bdubs cries, "Have you seen my razor?" Bdubs doesn't even bother with the door. Doc looks down at him on the lawn.

"Have you checked your half?" He asks.

Bdubs throws a hand up, "Of course I've checked my half, but Keralis tried to drag me into packing all his junk so I had to make a speedy escape!" Doc chuckles, watching as Ren jumps down to nose at Bdubs' hand. "Oh, hello, Ren!" Bdubs jumps into baby-talk immediately, crouching down. "Fancy you being here!"

"Please, take him-" Doc waves, "-The two of them keep running through my feet." Bdubs strokes through the fluff of Ren's neck, glancing up and spotting Etho.

"Oh, Etho as well!" Bdubs waves. Etho yips in reply, ear twitching. Then Bdubs pauses, looking at Ren properly. "Ah-ha, Snips! Of course, right-" Bdubs jumps up, "Thanks guys, I'll see you at the town hall!" Doc looks at Ren as Bdubs runs off.

"You going with him?" He asks. Ren's tail wags, staring at Doc. He sighs. "Right, of course not." Doc picks Etho off his shoulder, dropping him on the floor to a surprised squeak. "If only there was a way to attach some bags to the two of you." Both animalmits freeze, sharing a look with each other. Doc can't help but feel satisfied as they scarper towards the nearest nether portal together. "Perfect." He can finish packing in peace.

-

"Do you think you've got everything?" Wels asks, perched on a chest. Beef hauls his bag out the door with a huff.

"Well, I've got you. That's half the challenge." He looks up in time to see Wels rolling his eyes, pushing his helmet up.

"I take it back, I'm not helping you anymore."

Beef laughs, clapping Wels' arm, "We've still got Three Fox Hole to look through, you're not going anywhere yet." Wels' lips twist into a pout, crossing his arms.

"You know, when I packed early, it wasn't with the intention of doing your packing for you," he replies. But, when Beef holds out a bag, he still takes it.

"And I appreciate it!" Beef grins at him. "Maybe I'll reward you with some of my finest wallpaper-"

"Oh, please no." Wels' eyes are wide, staring in mock horror. "I might never recover."

"Oh, blackmail works too, then." Beef stands, walking past him. Wels slips off the chest, frozen in place.

"Beef- Beef, are you joking?" Beef keeps walking. Wels runs after him. "Beef!"

-

"Thanks for heading out this far, man," xB says, smiling at Keralis. "I know you've got a big space to cover too."

"Ah, it's nice taking a break," Keralis replies, holding one of xB's bags in his arms. "And I know there's no way this would all fit in your ender chest, princess." xB chuckles, looking at the half-folded clothes, trinkets, and daily essentials all sorted into piles.

"Yeah-" he scrubs the back of his neck. "-I kinda forget I've got so much. Too used to my travel bag." Keralis bounces the one in his arms.

"Well, it's a good job you've got me!" He bumps into xB's side, barely knocking the other hermit off balance. "I can always lend you some extra bags if you need them."

"The luggage dimension is just going to be my stuff at this rate," xB jokes.

"Oh, you haven't seen how much I have yet." They both laugh, Keralis putting the bag down with the rest that have been packed. "Now, what are we doing next?" xB turns to observe his piles.

"I think that one," he decides. Keralis nods, skipping across.

"Then let's go, we don't want to be late!"

-

"Cub!" Scar's voice calls down the pyramid. "I cannot believe this." Cub turns to see Scar walking along the corridor, wings fluttering in annoyance behind him. "Xisuma says my crystals aren't essential items so I can't take them. That's so unfair." Cub laughs before he can stop himself, getting an affronted noise from Scar. "Cub! I come here, I confide in you-"

"Scar," Cub interrupts, squeezing Scar's arm. Vex magic sparks around them, electrifying the air. "You could make some once we're in the next world."

"It's not the same!" Scar protests. Cub leans closer.

"Or," he whispers, "We could sneak some across ourselves."

"Oh." Scar claps his hands together. "Now you're speaking my language."

"The language of crime?" Cub asks, calling one of his bags over to him. He catches it mid-air.

"The only language I know!"

-

"This is why you should've made a proper storage system!" Mumbo cries, as Grian pulls out the contents of another chest. "This could've been so much easier!"

"I didn't know it was this bad!" Grian replies, finally managing to find his towels buried in an unmarked chest. He throws them towards his 'to pack' pile, Mumbo jumping out of the way.

"Didn't you have weeks to prepare for this?" He asks, looking at the scattered items in dismay.

"I mean- I did host an entire world in-between," Grian reminds him. Mumbo hums in agreement, deciding to organise some of the piles before they end up vanishing into a pure mess. He looks for similarities amongst the items, beginning to sort them into manageable groups.

Mumbo's lucky he thought to get all his essentials together ahead of time. He gave his luggage to Xisumavoid to store, and he knows it's all taken care of. It didn't stop him from checking his base another ten times, but he's pretty sure he's got everything now. Pretty sure.

He's going to end up checking his base again later, isn't he?

"Grian?" Mumbo asks, pausing as he notices something. The rummaging through chests stops, with only a quiet thud & 'ow' before Grian is looking at him.

"Yeah?" He replies.

"Do you… actually have any bags?"

"Ahhhh," Grian's face turns a similar scarlet to his jumper. "You see, Mumbo, last season, I kinda… borrowed some."

"Borrowed, right." Mumbo sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "Were you ever going to buy your own?"

"Yes!" Grian replies, words fast. "I just. Never had time." Mumbo's had most of his bags since he joined, so he guesses he can't relate. Pretty much all the hermits gifted him one. Otherwise, he would've never remembered at that age, but that's its own problem. It's a good job he remembers the essentials even now.

"So, how do you intend on packing all this?"

Grian hums, "Do you think I could just shove it in there loose?"

"I'll go find some bags," Mumbo decides. And something to help his headache...

-

"How many cats do you think I could smuggle to the next server?" Cleo asks, holding up another of her kittens to Joe. Joe hums thoughtfully, bright green hair moving on its own accord.

"Well, I've certainly smuggled a few of my dogs inside myself." Cleo takes a deep breath, transferring her kitten to one hand so she can pinch her nose.

"Right, of course you have." She's long learnt to stop questioning how Joe works. She's a living zombie, he's Joe. At least it makes packing easier. "I think I might take some of them to my own world, this time," she muses. "Xisuma can do that, right?"

"I'm sure he can," Joe agrees. "If not, I will have a mass exodus of animals from the server." Cleo sighs, rolling her eyes. She sets the kitten down gently amongst the other cats.

"Right, are you actually going to help me carry my bags?"

"Of course! What kind of friend would I be if I didn't try to stop you losing an arm?"

"Ugh, don't remind me." She still can't believe that happened. First, her arm falling off, then nearly losing it amongst everybody's luggage? So embarrassing. She enters the main room of her base, where she's already got her bags set out. It's surprising how many skincare products you need when you're dead. Joe follows, looking around as if he doesn't know the place like the back of his hands. To be fair, Cleo would be surprised if anybody knew the back of Joe's hands.

"Right, I've shoved as much as I can in my ender chest. If you put what you can in yours, we can divide the remainder up," she lays out the action plan.

"Sounds perfect!" Joe picks up two bags. "Are you sure you don't just want me to transport them over?"

"Keep your true self off my stuff, Joe, you know what happened last time."

Joe sighs, "Fine, fine. We'll do this the human way."

"You'll do this the human way," she amends. "I'll do it the zombie way."

-

"Stress, it's only a spider," Iskall says, pointing his sword towards it. Said spider is standing triumphantly on top of her bags, red eyes glinting. Stress pokes around the doorway, brown hair falling across her face.

"Yeah, but it's a spider on me stuff!"

"You've fought worse than spiders!"

"Just get rid of it, Iskall!" He sighs. Readying himself for a fight, he crosses across the room, stamping his foot in front of the pile. The spider hisses, sharp fangs a warning. But when the creature jumps, Iskall's sword is there to meet it, throwing the spider to the ground where it disappears into twinkling orbs.

"Look, was that so hard?" Iskall asks, his hand on his hip as he looks back at her. Stress bounces in, grinning.

"It wasn't, was it? Guess I don't need to thank you, then!" Iskall rolls his eyes, slipping his sword back into his inventory.

"Like you don't need to thank me for helping carry your stuff?"

"Oh, I'll thank you for that." Iskall laughs, grabbing the strap of two bags and throwing them over his shoulder.

"How many trips do you think we'll need?" He asks, seeing her haul two up herself. Stress hums, observing the pile.

"Prob'ly only two or three. If we get started soon then we'll get done faster, too." Iskall can hear the teasing tone in her voice.

"Aren't you the one that was scared of a spider?"

"Don't know what you're talkin' about!" She calls, walking past him. Iskall shakes his head, smiling fondly before rushing after her.

-

"Hey TFC!" False calls, touching down at his base. She smiles at the sight of his usual suitcases, already neatly packed and organized. Everything's labelled in TFC's signature handwriting to boot. Far more planned out than her, she's gotta say. But that's a problem for the next world.

"False, what can I help you with?" TFC's smile is always nice to see. She flicks her elytra closed, waving.

"I came to ask you that, actually," she replies. "Wanted to know if you'd like help carrying things over. I did all my packing a few weeks back, so I'm kinda bored." And if she stays still for too long, X will probably try to rope her into admin duties. Sure, she knows the basics, but she doesn't want to be responsible for anybody's stuff going missing. Not her department.

"Well, I'm never going to turn down some extra hands," TFC replies. He walks over and pats the suitcases on the left. "These are all ready to go, I'm still finishing up with the others. Has Xisuma already started?"

"I think he was just finishing the pocket dimension, so you've still got a little while." The hermits always rush to be the first in, as if everybody's stuff won't fit. In False's opinion, being last is best. It's easier to get your things out when they're closer to the entrance.

"Good, good. Let him know I'm nearly finished, would you?"

False nods, saluting with one hand and picking up a suitcase with the other, "Will do!"

-

Hypno walks into Jevin's base to find him and Impulse slotting the last few items into boxes. He knows Jevin was mostly packed already, so it's nice Impulse has come to help out. But… Jevin might just be taking advantage of Impulse. Hypno won't think too much into it.

"X has finished setting up," he calls, not needing an introduction. Jevin twists to look at him, Impulse busy trying to fit a label on straight.

"So you're saying I'm late?" Jevin asks. Hypno chuckles, deciding to join them on the floor.

"You know what the rush is like to get stuff in. You'll be fine for a little while." Hypno shrugs, "After Wels, X'll probably be careful." Impulse nods, sitting back now the label of 'hoodies' is attached.

"I've already handed my stuff in," Impulse says, "I think False might have too? We both finished up pretty early."

"Yeah, there was a lot in the town hall ready to be moved." Hypno wonders if the hermits are getting more prepared for this. Somehow, he doubts it.

"So, you've come to help me carry these over?" Jevin asks, Hypno looks at the boxes, shrugging.

"With all three of us, it should only be two trips, right?" There are only five boxes, and two are pretty small anyway.

"That's the spirit!" Impulse calls, grinning. "Do you think you're all ready to go?"

"Yep, I think that's everything," Jevin decides. He pats a box, making more of a squelching sound. Hypno does his best not to laugh.

"Then let's get moving!"

-

Xisuma sighs as his visor adjusts to filter out the sunlight. Coding that in was a stroke of genius. It used to be such a nightmare to continuously adjust between the pocket dimension and hermitcraft. He looks at the stacked luggage to be moved, trying to figure out if there's more there than before. He swears there is. And they didn't even say hi when they dropped it off! Rude.

He jumps when something nudges the back of his knees, sending him stumbling forward. Turning, he finds Ren, his tail wagging proudly behind him.

"Oh! Hello there." He reaches down, giving Ren a scratch behind the ears. "Are you planning to change back before we move?" Ren barks in reply. "I'll pretend that's yes."

Turning, he sees a white tail flicking over blue diamonds. Of course, those two are together. Etho's curled up in the sun, black eyes watching the pair. One ear is stuck up, the other flopped lazily.

"You two aren't going to help me carry things in, are you?" X asks, sighing as he looks back at Ren.

"I think Ren forgot to leave a spare pair of clothes out, actually," Etho says, legs dangling off the throne. He's tugging his shawl over his nose now he's in human form. Or, as human as Etho gets. "And his outfit may have experienced some... unfortunate circumstances." Xisuma looks at Ren's sad eyes, shaking his head at the pair of them.

"And those didn't involve you in any way?" X asks Etho with what he thinks is an appropriate amount of suspicion in his voice. Etho holds his hands up, leaning back in a way that would have most people falling over.

"Are you accusing me, Xisuma?"

"I don't know, am I, Ren?" Ren gives a concise nod. Etho gasps, clutching over his heart.

"Betrayed by my own brethren!" Etho cries. Ren's tail is wagging, betraying his otherwise neutral expression.

"Come and help me carry things, you," X says, calling Etho over. "We'll be here for another month if you don't." Etho laughs, but jumps off the side of the throne, landing with barely a thud.

"What are we moving, bossman?" Etho asks. Xisuma surveys the piles.

"Mumbo's stuff next, I think," X decides, "He usually takes a while to unpack." Etho nods, following X's lead as they grab a bag and box respectively.

"So this is what you guys do at the end of the season?" Etho asks, Ren trotting along with them. Xisuma hums as he enters the pocket dimension, finding an open space at the back of the room.

"Yep, this is moving day," he explains. "I always try my best to make it easy for the hermits, but it doesn't often end up working." Etho chuckles, placing the bag on top of X's box.

"Seems like most people aren't done yet," Etho agrees.

"They'll get there," Xisuma replies. The hermits always do eventually.

They're just stepping out of the portal when a voice calls, "I'm not late am I?!" X scruffs Ren's neck, smiling at Zed, who's running over with far too many bags thrown over his back.

"Not at all, friend," he reassures him. Zed drops his bags, bent over and panting. Tango strolls up behind him far more leisurely.

"See, Zed, I said you wouldn't be!" Zed whips in his direction.

"Oh, you, mister 'oh Zed you're going to be late, we're all going to leave you behind', you-" Tango laughs, fluffing Zed's hair as he sets his bags down. They take the rest of his luggage out of the ender chest Xisuma left specifically for this purpose. Beef and Wels walk up together as they do, Xisuma waving to them.

"Beefers!" Etho says, grinning.

"Hey Etho, Tango, Zed, Xisuma." Beef pauses, "Oh, and a Ren!"

"Hey guys!" Wels simplifies, dropping his bags at the doors. "This should be everything from us."

"Perfect!" Xisuma nods, "You guys okay to help me carry things through?"

"Yeah, we can help out!" "That's cool with me."

Moving things goes a lot faster with five of them helping to carry things through. Xisuma just catches Impulse, Jevin and Hypno dropping one lot off, getting a frantic wave before the trio is rushing off again. The pocket dimension is quickly filling up with bags and boxes, the hermits a constant line as they drop in and out. Xisuma frequently checks, but it seems like the dimension is handling the pressure okay.

"Xisuma!" Joe calls, him and Cleo wandering up the town hall's stairs. By this point, Cub and Scar have joined them with TFC, False, Stress and Iskall all dropping things off too.

"Good to see you both," X greets, one of Wels' bags hugged in his arms. He turns away, before hesitating, something nagging the back of his mind. After a second of focus- "Joe, why do you have so many hitboxes inside you?"

"Ah, that's nothing you have to worry about, dear admin." Xisuma gives him a long look and decides this isn't a battle he's going to pick.

"As long as you're willing to help out," he says, instead. "We're only waiting for a few people. He takes a look at the gathered hermits. Cleo's now lying on the floor, Ren beside her. His tail is already wagging again. Cub is picking a box up, whilst Scar skips through the portal holding three bags with magic. Etho's chatting to Tango and Zed as they work.

"Of course! We'll be finished in no time." It's already taken most of the day, but X doesn't need to mention that. He sets his vision back to normal, does another check of the pocket dimension, and returns to carrying boxes.

The remaining hermits trickle in as the sun sets. Stress and Beef sort out dinner for everyone, Xisuma making sure the last of the luggage is safe.

"Wait!" A few heads turn at Grian's cry, heavy footsteps rushing up to town hall. "I- I've got my stuff." Xisuma blinks at the sight of the hermit carrying about four bags at once. One is bright pink.

"You're not too late," X reassures him. "You can just drop it in, there should be room." He's settled into a shaded corner, preparing for the process of safely moving over twenty players. And Joe. If he's being honest, the data is starting to give him a headache. But it'll be worth it once they're all in their new world. Their temporary 'in-between' world is already set up. Somewhere for them all to stay whilst he handles the switch over. Most of the hermits take the time to visit friends or do other projects during that, anyway.

"Thanks, X," Grian says, between gasps. He runs into the portal, X laughing softly to himself. Mumbo walks up a few minutes later, glancing at the group.

"Is Grian in there?" He asks. Before X can even reply, about four hermits are giving an affirmative. "Thanks, guys!" Mumbo heads in after, only two bags in tow. X watches, well-aware of the fondness in his chest. It's a good reminder of just what he does this for.

-

It's another hour until everything's ready. The sun is hanging over the horizon (Xisuma may have frozen the day cycle a while back.) X has watched warily as they've shared food, chatted, played games (including one very dramatic wink murder. He's not sure what happened in Grian's server, and he's not sure he wants to ask.) But now, they've all gathered around, watching as Xisuma enters the final commands.

"Okay, everybody here knows the drill. Stay with somebody else, I want to do a headcount on the other side, then you're all free to wander." He projects his voice, the hermits hushing to listen. "Is everybody ready?"

"Yeah!" "Born ready!" "We've been ready for hours!" "Is there food on the other side?"

X shakes his head. With a final press of the enter key, the portal opens in front of the diamond throne. There's a collective murmur of anticipation.

"Alright, you lot can head through. I'll join you in half an hour, max." He can't even make out words following that. TFC and False are first, walking through with a wave to the others. Stress and Iskall run after them. The rest of the hermits take their time. Some share hugs, some take a last look at the horizon. And Xisuma watches over it all, determined every single one of his hermits will make it safely through.

"X?" Impulse calls. He and Hypno are standing together. The town hall feels so much emptier now the hermits are gone. "You sure you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine," Xisuma promises. "All standard procedure. I'll see you soon." They nod, sharing a last smile.

"Okay then. Stay safe, X."

"You two as well. Try and keep the others from misbehaving until I get there."

Hypno laughs, "No promises."

And like that, Xisuma's alone. He sighs, sinking back against the diamond throne. The sun casts golden beams over the land. This has been… a good season. They all are, but. Xisuma smiles as he sets the tick speed of the world to zero, freezing it in time. He thinks next season will be something special. It only takes fifteen minutes to finish his commands, the rest he needs to do on the other side.

"Goodbye, old friend." He pats the diamond throne. With a look over the eerily still shopping district, he sighs. It really is the hermits that fill a world with life, isn't it? "To more admin work," he murmurs, before laughing at himself.

"Shishwam?" Xisuma jumps, clutching his chestplate.

"Oh my goodness, you scared me." Keralis giggles. He's waiting in front of the portal, hands in his pockets. "I thought you went through."

"Well..." Keralis starts, "Somebody said we needed to go through the portal with someone else. And then I thought of a certain admin going through alone..." Xisuma laughs, shaking his head. He joins Keralis, swirling colours reflecting off his armour.

"Of course you did." He takes a deep breath. "Well, I'm ready to go." Keralis wraps his arm around Xisuma's shoulders, squeezing him tight.

"You've done a good job this season, Shishwammy. I hope you know that." Xisuma sneaks one last look out the doorway before they leave this world behind.

"Yeah." He smiles. "I think I do."

[minshookie]

LATE NIGHT HOOKUP

| JIN |

College AU, upperclassman!jin x underclassman!reader, fuckboy!jin, Smut!!, descriptive smut. 18+ minors pls DNI, “cheating”, unprotected sex, oral (fem receiving), squirting, dubcon, forced orgasm. [[unedited]]

[Jin • Yoongi • Hoseok • Joon • Jimin • Taehyung • Jungkook ]

Peaceful was an understatement, almost alone in the campus library late in the hours of the night. You head rests against the wooden table as you closely read the Intriguing tale.

“Is the bookworm ready to go home?” His large hand rested on your shoulder giving you a startle. “Oh Jin!” You closed your novel placing it in your tote before rising from your seat.

He captured you in a protective hug, warmly pecking your neck causing you to blush at his subtle PDA.

“Thank you so much for coming, I’m sorry to bother you but I really needed to study.” He released looking into your gaze, “you could never bother me, a novel for studying...what are you reading now?”

You reached into your bag, pulling the timeless tale, “Ah the Catcher In The Rye, you understand this Doll?” Jin was a bit older than you, he acted superior treated you inferior but you know he means well. “Yeah, Jinnie, I’ve read it before.”

Tucking the book away in your tote, Jin seizes the opportunity to grasp your free hand, “hungry?” He began to lead you out of the silent reading space, in all honesty you were tired. “Depends on what you’re offering.” You squeezed his hand flirtatiously.

He held open the door leading you to his usual parking spot. “I was cooking when you texted, it should still be warm if you’d like to come over.” He opened the car door granting you access. His car smelt familiar, strongly of his cologne.

Settling in your seat he buckled you in, “oh?...to your place?” The dorms weren’t too welcoming of guest, and since it was your first year, you had to live on campus. So whenever you and Jin found solitude it was either in his car, or at a hotel where he’d pull some strings.

And where there was solitude, there was intimacy and though you were tired...you could go for a little fun.

So it’s not that you didn’t want to go to Jin’s supposedly large apartment, it’s just that you’ve never been Is all. The new territory made you nervous.

“Yeah, if you’d like.” He pulled from the lonely parking lot, “you cold cutie?” His eyes never let the road as he closed your vent, you tossed the idea of the late night dinner date in your head.

“I’m gonna need to know your answer before I get out of here.” He looked over to you briefly. Sighing you answered “Yeah Jin, I’ll go I am pretty hungry.” He smiled reaching to grip your knee. “That’s my girl, you’ll love it.” He gave you a squeeze.

You reclined your seat, the smooth ride almost lulling to sleep. “So...boyfriend? Girlfriend?” He awkwardly asked tapping his fingers on the wheel waiting at the light. “Hm no...you?”

He laughed rubbing his bottom lip. Jin in total has at least four ‘relationships’ including you, he was the campus player but he was wise enough to charm all of his rendezvous into silence and compliance.

“Mm a few, but you’re the best.....I mean that y/n.” He leaned over the counter pecking your warm cheek, “I really do baby.”

The car ride was short, full of sensual touches at red lights, dirty talk and flirtatious comments that made your stomach flutter. His hand momentarily rested between your legs, teasing your under your skirt. Only a preview of what was to come.

Pulling into the parking area, he looked over at your figure, “I have a secret.” You pulled your tote over your shoulder, “yeah Jinnie?” You yawned. “I didn’t cook...but I do want you to see my apartment.” He smiled warmly pulling his key and leaving it in his pocket.

You had no clue where you were, Jin was your only ride so of course you had no choice but to comply. “Well...you didn’t have to lie.” You yawned stepping from the low car, “mm I got nervous, not too appealing if I say ‘I don’t wanna pay for Hilton, let’s fuck at my place.’ ”

He followed behind locking the doors, catching up he pushed his palm along the small of your back. “Ah so that’s why I’m here.” He snickers, nudging your hair with his nose as he walked beside you. “Don’t act oblivious...it’s not your thing.” Oh how romantic he could be.

He walked you proudly through the glittering building, giving a rushed tour that you didn’t care much for. He pulled you into the spacious elevator, the way he cradled you against frame you knew what was next. He gripped your chin pulling you to one of his signature rough lip locks.

Not even making it to his apartment you lips became bruised and slightly swollen, lost in the moment your eyes remained closed as he pulled back. “To my apartment first, alright?” He chuckled in your flustered face. Nodding you let him grip you hand as he pulled you through the hall.

Unlocking his door he pulled you inside, stripping you of your tote hanging it on the wall rack. “Alright here it is, like it? Love it?” He locked the door, awkwardly you stood horny with one thing on your mind. “Dumby, go sit on the couch.” His every order you followed plopping down on the firm couch.

“Those videos you sent me...you show those to other men?” He questioned unbuttoning his tailored shirt, cockily coming close to you. “Be honest.” He let the expensive material fall to the polished floor.

“No...did you?” You were now anxious, your mind was clouded when you sent those drunken videos to Jin. “Never would I share something so beautiful.” He avoided eye contact falling to his knees.

He found himself at your knees, in nothing but socks and dress pants. His large hands caress you chilly knees, granting himself access to what he’d been waiting for.

“Remind me what happened in those videos.” Your breath got lost in your throat, he hid himself under your skirt lapping at you through your fabric panties. “Go on don’t get stage fright.”

You closed your eyes in attempts to recollect the night. “I was out with my f-friends I got really drunk Jinnie!” He’d slipped the thin fabric to the side focusing the tip of his tongue on your hardening nerve. “I-I missed you, I called you and you didn’t pick up.”

He hummed against your moistening core. “Hm you needed me?”

“I needed you, and I wanted to show you- you how much I did.”

You sounded pathetic in those graphic videos, the sound of your pussy, the whimpers and moans you let free. You just didn’t know when to stop you kept pushing orgasm after orgasm, in your drunken state the euphoria felt so good. Too good.

“You showed me alright, you came almost 8 times pet.” He spoke against you licking like a starved dog, you whimpered rubbing his head there wasn’t much to grab as his head was shielded by your skirt.

“I came, a-a-and came-” he inserted his middle finger “until you squirted all over that little phone of yours.” Oh it felt amazing, you’d do almost anything to feel a release like that again.

“Fuck, that video made me so hard, I saw it right when I woke up...made me cum 3 times kitten.” He growled fingering you with skill. “Your voice calling out to me as you spazzed, shaking like a leaf...your eyes rolled, you were crying babe, felt too good?” The combination Jin was gifting to you proved too pleasurable, you were lost in his motions.

He’d stoped talking, opening his jaw giving long licks along your opening. Sucking you with every motion. His thumb applying pressure to your clit rubbing you from side to side.

“Yes it felt amazing.” You gasped revealing him from under the skirt, burring your hands in his locks. Collecting saliva he made a mess of your dribbling cunt. “Cum for me, scream for me again.”

His demands were final, he devoured you slopping over your core his tongue laid out wide.

Mixing his hot saliva with your natural slick, he groaned deeply slurping at your middle the sounds he made only made you closer.

Collecting the mess he’d made with his finger, he fucked you with his curling middle and index. “Fuck Jin-fu-ahh!”

Using his free hand he held the fabric of your panties to the side. His head still bobbed as he ravished your cunt like it was his last meal before death. You fingers pulled his dark hair painfully, a moaning mess your stop muscles tightened and released telling you of your creeping orgasm.

Jin always put passion into gaining your orgasm, he grunted with his lustful actions. Focusing his slick plump lips on your clit sucking and lapping at the sensitive area.

The tightening in your stomach caused you Yelp out in pleasure, gushing into his awaiting mouth. “Fuck, you’re gonna give me a headache all that mmm tugging.” He complained cleaning you with his tongue.

He held your shivering wrist, coaxing you to let go of him. “You’ve made a mess of my couch.” He sat back giving you a view of his glistening chin, red cheeks, arousal covered nose.

No shame, he pulled your ruined panties down your legs, removing your shoes undoing your skirt and completely stripping your bottom half. Focusing on your breathing you closed your eyes getting comfortable, your pussy quivering involuntarily.

“But I don’t mind...I’d rather you made more of a mess like your little videos perhaps?”

You sigh feeling his fingers glide over your core.

“Give me your hand Bunny.”

Obliging, your head clouded even more tired than before. He gripped your wrist making you rub yourself, “do it again, make a big mess for me.” He let you go, spreading your legs you toyed with you sore clit delving lower collecting the mess he’d left. To assist the process.

The lazy ovals gave faint pleasure you let your head fall back.

Jin was impatient and you knew it, so you played the lazy game...he caught on. Unbuckling his pants he let them droop

He pulled free his rock hard member, throwing your hand from your area. “You better fucking- fuck.” He plunged himself deeply, his girth familiar yet so foreign. You freed a whimper in response your lower stomach already clinching as he fucked into you.

He pulled you, letting your legs rest on his forearms, your back on the seat of the couch. “Moan for me, tell me how I’m treating your tight little cunt.” He grunts through his teeth, “good so good please!”

He chuckled darkly, “who are you gonna to cum for? Who made you so horny bitch?”

He watched your face contort, pushing his large palm over your lower tummy. “Oh-oh! You Jinnie please not too hard I’ll- mm!” “You’ll what?” He fucked you with no mercy.

“Keep your legs up and open...slut.” “Uh-huh ok.” The results of the last orgasm already found you vulnerable. You had to go, bad.

He railed you, rubbing your clit and applying pressure to your lower abdomen.

You whined and begged, feeling your release closer than you’d like. “Jin, fuck Jinnie wait-” “I said up and fucking open!” He held his head down in search for his high. You could see his muscles tense.

Your eyes rolled shut, no way could you stop the release, he thrusted deeply hitting every spot you needed, the flicking of his thumb along your clit drew it near you back arched from the cushions. “Do it! Let go!”

You screamed, gushing against his lower half, in quick streams of pleasure, whimpering as the flow finished and you clenched around him. Crying out as he continues to fuck into you, only to make you release more liquid arousal mixed with others.

He pulled from you, using what you’d produced to finish on your cardigan. Your eyes half lidded as you struggled to gain stable breathing. “ugh, my cardigan-” “I’ll buy you six cardigans.” He mumbled wiping his member clean on the plush fabric.

His cold demeanor ruined the mood. Why must he act this way after every loving session.

You stretched, giving a comically loud yawn, “my underwear please.” You reached out grabbing for them. “You soaked them.” He disappeared down the hall, “the skirt too!” He informed as you sat up your head pounding slightly.

“Lucky for you...” he came back with a pair of sweats and a pair of panties that definitely weren’t yours.

“I’ll pass, the sweats please.” He tossed them, you pulled them on your knees wobble weakly you swim in the fabric of the sweatpants, they were his. “Your loss, they’re clean I promise!”

You struggle to bend and collect your damp clothes, “c-can I spend the night?”

He sighed dressing himself in a change of clothes. “I’m afraid not...I have a Uhm meeting tomorrow morning.”

It didn’t upset you in a jealous way, it upset you in a betrayal way, it upset you that he’d use you and kick you out.

“With who?” “Do you want me to take you home or are you calling a ride...I’ll pay.”

The headache depended as you leaned against the wall.

“Whatever, just-let’s go.”

What kind of hold did Kim Seokjin have over you, to treat you so shitty and still have you wrapped around his finger and cock at that.

“Don’t pout.” He thumbed your lower lip.

Pulling your chin he pecked your lips, “I’ll treat you to lunch tomorrow hm?”

“And after we can come back here....that make you feel better my best girl?”

He chuckled pulling you out of his apartment by the hand.

“No matter what you think, you’re perfect, I just love the way you make me feel I could love you.”

He loves you, that’s the hold he has on you, and he’ll do anything to make you believe It.