#my job today sucks so bad
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oh boy i love the panopticon
#aaaaaaaa#retail butch blues#my job today sucks so bad#the only thing im supposed to do is walk around and talk to customers#which just means im wandering around bored trying to avoid actual eye contact but still seem friendly#so none of the managers get on my case#i would rather be tortured#seriously#and its so busy#and im a little high#i hate capitalism so fucking much dude
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meant to post these sketches a few days ago? a week? but, well, life.
#red dead redemption 2#my art#my fics#arthur morgan#rdr#rdr2#rdr2 fanart#young arthur morgan#and a wee little hs of wolf!arthur#today is the first day of the last 3 ive gotten to eat more than a single meal a day#my bp dropped at work n since it was a vision black out i had to post up in the friggin stall like batman on a ceiling so i didnt fall#which sucks since i have a manual labor job but luckily i didnt reach the shakin stage just kept gettin the dots n focus static#been sleepin n readin to avoid attention on hunger pains since i had no energy for drawin#finally got to have dinner last night since we got some money and i gotta say i dont miss the feelin of chokin on food i wanted so bad#man i love tags most ppl dont read em n i get some catharsis to vent in em
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fuckfuck fuck i need to make more physical crafts i need to create tangible things that i can hold with my two hands and put it somewhere i can See It and think Wow. I Made That.
#finished my little rudimentary earring holder & one of two arm warmers#MORE!!!! MORE!!!!!! I NEED MORE#maybe... maybe ill go get myself a new little plant and a pot to decorate. a little guy for my windowsill#ohhh i could uh! i could make like a little scrapbook thing and put in there all of my favorite things that ive drawn....#a little egotistical Perhaps but!! on days where i feel like shit and like my art sucks i could flip through that!#and say 'huh. not too bad actually'#plus it just sounds like a fun craft. i could get stickers and stuff. washi tape. glue flat objects on. add teeny doodles#i just. i need to create more i think thats whats wrong with me lately#i feel such Peace and Joy when i make physical things#i wonder if id like book binding...#no no thats for future me who has a job and an Income to get interested in#that would be fun tho! ive always wanted to try it.#and if i do i'd Really want to do that thing where people take a fanfic and make it into a physical book#that would be so fun...#i could have my favorites on a shelf! with permission of course!#absolutely unprompted#yk when i start to feel that Despair i really just gotta think about what physical things i could create#what art things i still have to discover and attempt and enjoy#today has sucked But! i will take the car tomorrow and by fuck i will do Something#a new plant friend. yeah. i need something alive in my room#and this weekend ill go to michaels and get myself washi tape so that i can secure my posters to the walls#bc my poster tack Is Not Working!#i wonder if our printer can work on cardstock... i wonder if its been Set Up yet i havent seen her#maybe ill make some more tiny vases today. i have clay still...#OH OH i could make small amigurumi keychain things...#*spoken with clenched fists and gritted teeth* there is still so much to discover and delight in in this life#the walls in this house are bare and cold but if my stepdad allows I Can Spruce It The Fuck Up#ohhhhh crochet tapestries... i could probably do that too...#i cant wait to pick up crafts get bored two days later and drop em and i say that sincerely!
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forcing yourself out of harmful habits feels like pulling teeth but i guess i want to get better. for those i love and for those who love me. or whatever
#the heron speaketh#oh my GOD it sucks so bad#it was a really insufferable day today and i was thinking very hard about lessons from therapy#and as FUCKING stupid as it feels it really does benefit you to be. like. gentler with yourself#and sometimes getting better means forcing yourself to be uncomfortable and make a Better Choice than distancing yourself for a week#and worrying people. OR being unwarrantedly rude#no you dont want to kill yourself you just want a new job and you havent seen your friends in a while. that sort of thing#just as an example. from nothing in particular of course not like im speaking from experience or anything#why am i talking about this suddenly? what do you care. fuck off
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i'm well aware there are single parents out there working full time but i think working full time and living alone with my dog is about to put me in a psychward
#why cant i handle what other people seem to handle effortlessly lmao#im so fucking exhausted and burnt-out i need demonic possession to save me or smth#like please @ random demon you will do a better job for sure#idk its like. my dog is now spending so much time alone when im at home that i feel really guilty#if i wanna go out or do anything that doesnt involve her#i have no damn time and energy#i might spend half a free day cleaning but its all a mess anyway#and then i will come back home like today just exhausted after 5 days of work in a row#and i just wanna take her for a walk and get myself smth to eat and chill a little#and i find! is poop all over the damn floor i finally managed to wash like a day ago#and it stinks so fucking bad i nearly throw up cleaning up#and then have a breakdown in the bathroom. as you do.#HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS I AM SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED#its also not fair to my dog idk this sucks so much#i doubt anyone read all this bht if you did hi and sorry#needed to vent unfortunately#wah im TIRED
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i'm so sick of cynicism!!! i'm so sick of everyone being too edgy to care or feel or believe in anything earnestly!!!! i'm so sick of it!!!! it's not cool to pretend to be so jaded and unaffected by everything that you risk nothing!!!! stop trying to be too cool for happiness and hope and love and living!!!! your reward is bitterness and misery!!! it's spring and we're healing!!!!!
#i am trying so so hard to have hope and believe in things#i refuse to suck the joy out of my life on purpose#maybe i will never find romance maybe i will never fall in love maybe all my friends DO secretly hate me and we're born to suffer#but what if i live and i love and i find joy and meaning in life anyway#what then#what if the worst comes to pass and i never fall in love and i go blind and lose all my friends but i still have my family#and i get a job that's fulfilling and i make new friends and i adopt a child and have my own family and i find new ways to experience beauty#what if every bad thing that happens or could happen isn't the worst thing that could happen#im fighting for my life against bitterness and cynicism and it just shows me how romanticized it is and how ingrained in our culture#being too cool for genuine emotions and hope won't save you#sorry for liveblogging my breakdown but today its an optimistic breakdown#this has been a shitpost
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an unstoppable force (my moral objection to working in a psychiatric setting because i know the abuse that so often takes place there and i can’t stand the idea of ever participating in or benefiting from something that treats people that way) meets an immovable object (i made the mistake of being a psych major years ago so now those are the most common jobs in my area that i’m actually qualified for and i need money so bad if i want to get out of the hell house i live in anytime soon)
#i have an interview today and i feel so guilty for even applying#but FUCK i need money#i just need to move out of my shitty transphobic neglectful parents’ house#and then i’ll be closer to jobs that i don’t despise the idea of doing#im going to keep applying and looking for better shit but i hate that i might have to do that for any amount of time#but honestly i don’t know if there’s really even anything else for me to find atm#i WILL quit on the spot if they ask me directly to do some fucked up shit tho#like i’ll suck up being in that setting temporarily so i can get out but i will not actively participate#god i hate it here#going back in time to tell my past self that being a psych major is such a bad idea and i’ll just come to hate the field#poss.speaks#vent#personal#anti psychiatry#psychiatry critical#not avpd
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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#I am having such a bad time at work today it’s unreal#I fucking crashed on Friday afternoon and it’s been ebbs and flows of just trying to manage my stress and disappointment#and layer it with having fun#I do not think the emotional vulnerability I gave into this weekend helped lol#I’m not a crier but I’m literally tearing up at my desk rn bc somebody reacted poorly to a mistake I made that was really stupid#it’s not even life or death it was just dumb and embarrassing#I want to say I feel stuck or hopeless or anything but I mostly just want this to be over#I want to not have this job and I feel so up against a wall with wanting to search for a new one#this sucks so bad
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I think a lot about how if I'd have been born like 200 years ago I would have been sent to the sea side and dosed with cocaine every day for my Mental Maladies but instead I'm walking around in 2024 and ppl are trying to make me feel like shit for not opting into hustle culture or convince me AI & crypto currency are the future...
#don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for my meds. like.... 100000000% thankful. tbh don't know I'd be shitposting on here today without em....#but my goddddddddddd I'm tired also#I don't want 6 jobs. I don't want to delivery drive all night. I don't want to turn shitty doodles into NFTs.#I take care of my disabled mother while also dealing with my own mental health deficiencies. I raised my brother. he still lives with me.#I'm Tired#I want to just take care of my mom and make cakes & desserts and for that to be enough. but it can't#because we devalue domestic work of any kind including care taking for the eldery/disabled#I mean my union has to FIGHT every few years to make sure we can KEEP our jobs#and it sucks cause... even if I lose my job.... I STILL have to take care of my mom so it's like 🤷♀️#I'm just Tired bro. so tired. I want my baking to work out so bad but I just... don't know. I know it won't net me gobs if money#I'm just so tired of living under this fuckin strain that is The American Dream USA number 1 woooo!#don't you dare ask to make a living wage!#and since I DO want this baking stuff to go well I KEEP practicing and it feels like.... meh.... I'm baking and baking and baking#I want it to be GOOD! but I'm taking my time! and not hustling and it just feels like idk. I'm going too slow#but I'm not.... I've been baking my whole life for free and everyone raved abt it. I want it to be STELLAR so I can make money#I'm just so fckn TIRED man. I wish I had like.... a crystal ball and I could just know if this was a good idea#erin explains it all
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you guys... if you have the means to seek help for mental illness, please do it. it's not a waste of money I promise.
don't be like me, a person so riddled with anxiety and executive dysfunction that I cancel on job interviews just because I cannot fathom being perceived and judged by people I potentially have to work with for the next 10 years or so
#personal#cancelled a job interview today bc it was in a location i have ptsd from#which sucks cuz the environment looks great (through the website) and the job description is great too#but location give me ptsd so in the end i cannot even get up to change clothes bc of how f king scared i am#i wish i had money to get a legal diagnosis so ppl would stop calling me lazy and shit#but i have to save my money for my brother's and mum's medical bills bc they always have appts#i cant afford to get help for myself bc then who's gonna pay for theirs#i feel so bad too... my mum is so understanding letting me take my time to find a job#but then any f2f interview i get i panic and shut down and cancel it... like... why do i do that#for real guys if you're mentally unstable but can afford to get meds or therapy or anything JUST DO IT#i promise it'll be better for you in the long run
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Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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AH HA LMAO My old place of employment that I quit because they were frankly, shit to me (which I have realized more and more strongly since leaving) has reached out once more cause the girl I trained after I left has quit after like. 10 months and they need someone else to train the /next/ replacement.
Like Girl I fucking Told You so.
#I was literally talking today about how bad they treated me there lmao.#To be clear I think they did their best but when one person high up has the worlds most unhealthy relationship with work#it ends up being everyone's problem in one form or another and they refused to address the actual issue so \('-')/ Sucks to suck I guess#Turns out you can't solve management and HR issues with pay evaluations lol#To this day I'm salty about my pay evaluation finding I'm in the high end of average despite the fact that I'd been doing two jobs for -#four months with no acknowledgement#Anyway Thank God I got out of there
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i think if the ice cream shop burned down or exploded or was otherwise destroyed i would feel nothing. except maybe a hint of overwhelming joy.
#they updated the schedule today#and said i had to come in an hour and a half early#no text message#no phone call#just a wordless schedule update#didn’t ask if i could just told me i would#i said i couldn’t do it even though i totally can#because fuck that#and fuck them#i hate my job so much i’m in pain all the time i hate everyone i hate ice cream and i hate my fucking manager#i was given permission by my parents to give my two weeks notice next saturday and i truthfully need to just be done#i can’t do this anymore i hate it so much#it sucks so bad everyone is terrible
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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