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ptsdangeldust · 3 months

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tw rape / abuse / suicidal ideation / self harm

can i just fucking say that the "poison" scene was just fucking flawless to me. as a survivor of rape and psychological abuse it was so fucking hard to watch and hit on every note i wanted it to. the suicidal ideation, the self destruction, the pain, the torment, the addiction, the hopelessness, everything.

[this got long LOL big analysis of ep4 basically]

also it's a little funny how easily i called it when the pilot came out that angel was gonna have ptsd and cope with it through hypersexuality . like this was obvious from the start to me and they do telegraph / foreshadow it from the first episode pretty well in my opinion. like ALMOST too much. but at the same time i'm kind of glad. like that's what i like about the show is that it *is* so raw and over the top when it talks about this kind of thing. that's why i like campy edgy uncomfortable shit bc where the fuck else am i gonna hear anyone specifically hit the perfect sweet spot of just exploitative-feeling enough to feel palpably uncomfortable in a way that just like. perfectly conveys this message. in my opinion, obviously.

it's like so crazy to me that i had this exact high expectation for the show and adjusted for edginess and got exactly what i wanted and then some. like. god. they hit every note in succession all at once and then tied it off with a beautiful, nuanced but genuinely well paced and well thought out resolution.

"loser, baby" was so fucking perfect as the counterpoint to "poison" in this episode. also charlie coming in and being purehearted but not knowing what she's doing and making it worse. but angel ultimately understanding that she meant to help and it's not her that's the problem obviously. and then husk is ultimately the one to give a shit about angel (with some encouragement, which like i honestly appreciate that he doesn't take angel's bullshit and isn't just the like Token Black Savior who has no character or agency of his own [of course i'm white so don't take me as the authority on this issue but i'm certainly aware of it]) and like not only try to stop him from self destructing but like relate his experience and make him admit he has a fucking problem. sooooo much of abuse is built on making the victim think they're at fault for what they're going through. the way val makes him look in the mirror and say "yes" outloud to himself over and over while literally holding his head and threatening him was such a good way of driving that home. and then we see angel have so much pride poked at so easily when he's called fake because he's SO aware he's putting on an act. he lets himself be exploited because he thinks it gives him a sense of control. can't be called fake if i'm an actor. can't prove i'm ever real. never have to BE real. never have to admit that anything is wrong and come to terms with it.

and so husk comes right the fuck out and says it. you're a loser. you're washed up. you're a has been. you're self destructive. you hurt everyone around you. ..... and you're not alone. THAT'S the important part. that's the real thing that gets you out of abuse. people. not being alone. like not just KNOWING that THEORETICALLY you're not alone but actually having people show up and help you and put in the work and relate to you and listen to you and let you listen to them. that's why abusers chronically work to isolate people. because it's so much easier to exploit someone who has absolutely no support system. who only answers to them. who has no one to turn to if shit goes sour.

ok also the fucking hypersexual self harm? i have NEVER seen that portrayed so accurately and so explicitly before. i feel like basically every single time i see it talked about at ALL in media it's either 1) portrayed as like sexy or ultimately good 2) strays totally the opposite direction and is talking more about cycle of abuse shit (which yes that's also important but not what i'm after) 3) really just hinted at / i have to like extrapolate it from vague hints or 4) exists in shitty media that is not ultimately trying to tell a story about escaping abuse it's just talking about a tragic waif and trying to make you feel sad. which is just another kind of exploitation really. so it was very refreshing to see it made very clear that angel was going around *trying* to get drugraped (which is NOOOOOT the same as consent. but i'm not going to get into that) because he was trying to hurt himself. he knew it wasn't good for him and he sought it out anyway. he could have wound up dead and he did not care. that's how low his self esteem is. that's how little he thinks of himself. that's how absolutely terminal his suicidal ideation is. i like used the word 'passive' at first but no i would not call that passive he is clearly actively suicidal hsuidguhds (ftr passive suicidal ideation is like. 'i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up.' but not actually acting on it. active is when you start purposely not looking both ways when you cross the street. that's basically what angel was doing)

anyway yeah. ep4 was kind of the peak for me i'm ngl HUIDGHIS obviously i'm very excited to see where things are going in general but especially more huskerdust........ i would like live if they didn't actually end up together but it feels clear to me that they genuinely care about each other and at least angel does seem to have... romantic-leaning feelings for him. would be cool if they had some scene where husk is like just cuz i care about you doesn't mean i'm going to be your magic saviour through love or whatever. bc i feel like it would be so easy for angel to immediately want and/or expect that. i did personally coming out of my abuse where i was absolutely desperate for real actual non-abusive love of any kind but i was NOT remotely healthy enough to truly accept it then even if it had actually been handed to me and i wound up in something that was..... better, yes, but ultimately still toxic and not completely ideal. not abusive, no, just not like. healthy. lol. but i do have good healthy happy love now so i'm glad lol <3 but like anyway this is a common thing with abuse survivors and it would *make sense* to see it but like i wouldn't put it past them to just go straight into "and then angel got better immediately and they got together and everyone lived happily ever after the end" HSDUIGSHUID but like idk man. we'll see LOL

also i did want to comment on like...... the fact that the scene was worked on by someone with a legit rape fetish who was like straight up into angel/val as a ship and thought it was like cool and fun or whatever. like. i really don't think the scene itself came off as glorifying rape or abuse. it's blatantly obvious that it's not good and the emphasis is placed entirely on angel's pain. and like it's. it's not porn. it's evocative. it's explicit. but the purpose of the scene is not "look at this hot sexy sex" it's "look at this horrifying abuse". like yes obviously there are gonna be people who get off on it but people can get off on anything if they try hard enough. porn is art explicitly meant for jacking off. not everything about sex is porn. i think if you interpret it as glorifying sex you're honestly out of your goddamn mind. the song ends with angel talking about how he wants to fucking die because of it. is that glorification to you?? really???

ultimately, *I* think it's good. i think, objectively, the team did an extremely good job. give them an award or something. i swear. where's the oscar. my boy angel needs his oscar LOL

... one last note, because this is tumblr: this is very triggering material. probably it should've had a better warning of some kind. but it is telegraphed/foreshadowed like i said and the show is rated 16+ on amazon (i feel like it should be 18+ imo but it's like. it's repeatedly listed as being for adults/"R rated" in promo material at least) and sex and violence are listed right there at the top of each episode where it shows the rating so like. idk man. that's as much warning as is usually given for this kind of thing ngl. i absolutely am not saying it's not triggering. but it is important to portray triggering things. it is important to talk about these things to give people in these situations someone to relate to and to give them the language to understand how to escape abuse, first of all, and like also art in general *should* be challenging. i think they genuinely said important, unique things and said them well. they did wayyyy better than i thought they would. for real. like esp coming from viv knowing her past like. clearly someone in the room actually knew what they were doing lmao (one of the writers for hazbin also worked on the episodes in helluva that covered similar abuse recovery material so. you know)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel analysis #? ig #my post

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katapotato55 · 6 months

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my theory as to why doomers exist (and how to break that mentality to be a better writer)

yesterday my sibling texted me "hey can you list me what major historical events you experienced in life for an assignment? " of course I listed the big ones like COVID and other depressing shit I went through in my life but most of the ones i listed were not super depressing. here are some of them: -the rise of steve jobs and the popularity of modern OS -the rise of smartphones -new technology completely changing the world that I thought I would never see in my lifetime, like VR and self driving cars. -massive cultural impacts such as spongebob being created affecting pop culture -the start of facebook and modern social media -pluto being declared not a planet yknow stuff on the top of my head that I thought would be interesting to write about.

then my sibling came home to tell me that most of what I sent was not helpful at all and that they meant "world events" And i asked "how the hell is the invention of the smart phone and the beginning of modern social media not considered "world events" by these standards" they said "idk just not that"

I think what they meant to say was "my teacher only wants the really depressing miserable shit the media thinks is headline worthy"

You know, I think this is why my generation is full of so many doomers. God forbid we have a positive outlook on this world and try and look at the bright side of things. god forbid we try to be optimistic for both the future and our current lives. we seem to have this thin veil of maturity that depressing=mature somehow. That the only way to make anything of nuance is to basically spam "look how shit everything is! look how enlightened I am" like you are Steve cutts.

well you know what ?

I hate art like the stuff steve cutts makes, and I hate this redundant "look how shit the world is" mentality

I plan on making an analysis post later on about Mr. Cutts, but for now let's stay on point this mentality is redundant and helps no one. yes. we do need to be aware of the bad parts of life. But being a pathetic miserable sod and ignoring the upsides is just as immature and childish as an aggressive optimist thinking the world is all sunshine and rainbows. you know why I like undertale so much ? Undertale knows when to be optimistic and has a mature take on a happy ending. Undertale ALLOWS itself to be happy. enough with the rick and morty level of writing where everything sucks and "fuck you in particular for being hopeful" only edgy 14 year olds think being depressing is the same as being mature. Maturity is understanding that there is nuance to everything and understanding that things are what they are. Do you want to be a good writer ? stop overly relying on being a sad doomer. Even the darkest writers in history like Edgar Allen Poe knew how to lighten the fuck up, because you need to understand the positives in life to effectively create dark writing.

thank you for reading this ironically negative rant, I plan to expand more on the subject later on.

EDIT

ngl i was honestly scared this post would open me up to harassment. I was genuinely terrified of attracting the psycho political crowd that treats politics like religious doctrine. first of all, shout out to this person:

I feel like this would be the perfect opportunity to talk about my struggle with depression as an artist and the stereotype behind it. the stereotype is that only the best artists are emotionally tortured people constantly struggling in agony and putting that into their art. now as someone who has been battling depression for 10 years let me tell you: that mentality is a load of horse shit. the greatest artists in history such as Van Gogh were not great artists because they were depressed they were great artists because they had a combination of passion and unique life experience. It just so happens that depression is a unique life experience to go through. being depressed does not make you deep, it just makes you feel empty and possibly sad depending on what flavor of depression you have. all the great stories about depression are not great because its about depression, but because its about the writers personal experiences and the love and hard work that went into making it. if Van gogh got treatment for his mental health issues, he would have still created art. Yes he created art as his job, but he also did it because he loved it and put his personal feelings and passion into his work. the biggest reason why I detest Steve Cutts is because there is no passion nor personal experience in his work. yes he is talented but most of his animations are just regurgitating all the bad things he could think of and nothing personal is going into it. (again I plan on making an analysis post about steve cutts sooner or later) What makes the art of Van Gogh deep and Steve Cutts as deep as a dry puddle is the fact that you can tell who put their own soul and personality into their work. heed my warning new artists and writers depression =/= deep all depression does is cripple you. Seek out life experience to be the best artist you can be.

#writing advice #writing #creative writing #writing help #writing tips #writer #writer on tumblr #writer problems #writer tips #writing community

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heyclickadee · 6 months

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@cas-echo Okay, soooo, here’s my set of theories for the skull. Sort of theories, anyway. They’re whatever you call it when it’s halfway between theory and headcanon:

I think there are multiple possible reasons for why Clone Force 99 took the skull motif and then ran with it, especially since those skulls show up in a couple different ways, and I think it’s worth looking at them separately.

First off, there are the skulls we see on the faces of the original four bad batchers’ helmets:

You’ve got the slightly more naturalistic but still angry looking skull on half of Hunter’s helmet; the less human and more monstrous looking skull on Wrecker’s; the very neat, streamlined, stylized skull on Crosshair’s helmet; and then the one on Tech’s helmet, which so heavily stylized it’s basically just the white part of his helmet forming the basic shape of the front third of a skull, with the bottom part of his helmet forming a mandible. The only one of the adult batchers who doesn’t have the helmet motif obviously worked into the face of their helmet is Echo:

The shape is kind of almost there, but it’s hard to tell if it’s deliberately a skull or not—and if it was, it seems like Echo chose not to highlight it as much as the others did.

I haven’t really settled on one headcanon or theory for why Clone Force 99 settled on a skull generally, why the original four have skulls over their helmets, and why those skulls all look a little different, but here’s a general list of ideas:

1. They came up with it when they were developmentally/biologically fifteen and ran and ran with it in a ‘teenagers think skulls are cool’ kind of way. I don’t actually think this is that likely, but it’s a possibility.

2. They came up with it when they were developmentally/biologically fifteen and ran with it in an edgy but justified, ‘we’re all doomed’ kind of way. Again, this isn’t where I’m landing with this most of the time, but it could be a factor.

3. Hunter got really drunk and got a skull tattooed over half his face, and the rest of them ran with it out of solidarity. (I don’t actually think this happened, but it is a little funny to think about.)

4. Hunter, completely sober, got the skull tattoo in a moment of ennui, and the rest of them ran with it out of solidarity again. (I don’t really think this happened, either. There are a ton of nerve endings in the skin on your face, and with Hunter’s enhanced senses, that tattoo probably hurt for a couple weeks. That wasn’t something he did on a whim, and they probably all decided on the skull theme before he did it. But it’s more lighthearted than the rest of these are going to be, so….)

5. It was part of attempt to tie their helmet designs into the designs of the regular clone helmets. There is something slightly skull like about clone helmets. Not to the same extent as storm trooper helmets, but it is about halfway there (Maybe not there enough to make this count, but we’re running with this here). It’s possible that the bad batchers, whose helmets are all shaped to their individual needs picked up on this and went with the skull motif in a, “hey, we’re clones too,” kind of way. I tend to hover between a “maybe no” and “maybe that was one of the ideas that went into it” on this one.

Aaaand, getting into stuff I do think is more likely now (I think of all three of these next things as operating simultaneously. They’re not separate, it’s just easier to list them separately):

6. Medical trauma. I’m banking in this as part of the reasoning behind Hunter’s tattoo and the 8-bit lightning skull on Tech’s earmuffs, too. There’s a non-zero chance that these guys have seen each others’ skeletons, and another non-zero chance that they’ve seen their own.

7. There’s a self-aware acknowledgement of how other people see them to the batch’s use of the skulls, and on two levels. First, there’s the acknowledgement that they, clones generally, are considered dead men walking by most everyone around them. This had to be part of the thinking, even if it was a small part.

And then there’s the other level—tailoring each of the skulls on their helmets to how they think other clones and other people generally see them and using that perception as the mask they wear into battle (and honestly, I think there’s an aspect of this to Hunter’s and Crosshair’s tattoos, too).

And here’s a rundown of how people who don’t know them we’ll probably see them: Hunter—the brooding one who’s scary good with a knife? That’s a guy that’ll kill you up close. Angry impressionistic skull it is. Crosshair, the cold, quiet one who can shoot? The skull on his helmet had better be clean, geometrical, and emphasize the one thing everyone knows he can do. Tech, the know-it-all who talks a little stiffly and way too much (I’m sorry, you know that Tech got shit like this, they absolutely talked about him like he was a computer)? He’s going to simplify the shape of that skull down so much that you really have to look to see that it’s a human skull at all, especially if he’s got the visor down. And Wrecker? Wrecker, who’s larger than life, massively strong, and almost frightening (listen, Wrecker also got the same shit as Tech did, just in the opposite direction; people absolutely talked about Wrecker like he was a brute and probably did so in front of him)? Well, he’s painting his helmet so that his skull has a scary monster face.

And to be completely clear, none of that is who they are—that’s what people who don’t know them well see. And there’s kind of an interesting “up yours” in the batch potentially taking the things people wrongly perceive as being “off” about them and incorporating the look of that it into the helmets they wear to protect themselves. Kind of works on a meta level, too*

8. And, jumping off of that, here’s the main thing I think is going on: There’s absolutely a little bit of Jolly Roger style psychological warfare going on with those helmet skulls, too. You’re on the opposing side and you see those skulls? Better surrender and make things easier for everyone, because these guys are going to kill you. They’re like vultures**—they’re symbols of death, but not their own deaths. Call an ambulance, but not for them.

So, that’s what I’ve got for the skulls on the helmets. Now, as far as skulls being the team motif and this particular skull:

They all have this. At least, at the beginning of the show, all of them have this skull painted on their right shoulder pauldron, except for Echo, who has it stenciled on the left side of his cuirass.

I think there’s definitely something to be made for why Echo’s got that skull in a different place and why his helmet doesn’t do the skull thing as much as the others, but. The other day, I put up a post about how it had been bugging me that the skull Clone Force 99 uses as their squad logo has the proportions of a child’s skull. For evidence of that, here’s the logo overlaid with an adult skull, versus the logo overlaid with the skull of a three year old:

The three year old’s skull fits much closer than the adult’s does.

And it had been bugging me because, well, on the one hand, real world special ops groups using a skull as their logo isn’t actually that uncommon. And, honestly, I do think that was probably where the germ of the idea came from on the production side of things before they really started thinking through it, but I don’t think that’s where it ended. Because it’s usually, you know, an angry skull. With a beret or a helmet. An “I’m gonna kill you” skull with a gun. It’s usually not a completely placid child’s skull. But Clone Force 99’s squad logo is, and I’ve got exactly two theories for why.

1. It’s not supposed to be a child’s skull, it’s just a regular skull that had to be squished to fit, please stop overthinking this. Very possible. Definitely possible. But it’s boring.

2. Just like the way they’re Clone Force 99 when 99 was both 99’s name and the designation given to all the clones who didn’t come out “right”, and just like the way the bad batch called themselves “the bad batch,” that skull is it’s both an in memoriam to other “defective” clones and a gigantic “fuck you” to the Kaminoans.

Clone society is one on which the Kaminoans actively practiced eugenics. There’s a reason there are very few disabled-from-the-tube clones running around besides the batch and 99. Clones who didn’t align to product standards were probably either, well…decommissioned, or they were experimented on. And it’s possible that there was an age cut-off point for that, where certain “defective” clones who seemed normal enough were allowed to develop (and be used as lab rats) until very early childhood (say, physically three or four), and decommissioned if it looked like they wouldn’t be useful. If it looked like they were going to be useful, experimentation would continue. We know from both Nala Se saying “five are all that remain” and the frighteningly large number of tubes in her private lab that Hunter, Wrecker, Tech, and Crosshair weren’t the only clones she experimented on, and I don’t think the experimentation stopped when they were sent to be with the other clones. They’re just probably the only ones who lived to adulthood.

So. That team logo? A gigantic “fuck you” to the Kaminoans. A “look at us, we survived past the age you usually killed us, we’re ‘defective’ and good at what we do, fuck your idea of defective, and fuck you for killing the others,” in their faces. I honestly don’t care if that was intentional on the part of anyone working in production, that’s how I’m interpreting it.

*Kind of an aside, but it’s fun to look at the contrast between the skulls on the faces of all their helmets and the actual looks on all faces in those original season one character posters. Hunter looks a little scared and uncertain, Crosshair looks conflicted and/or in pain, Wrecker’s got this very gentle half-smile on his face, and then Tech has this intense glare aimed at the camera like he’s going to kick its entire ass.

**I have a completely unhinged rant about vultures in my drafts that I’ll probably never actually finish.

#the bad batch #cw child death #eugenics #cw eugenics #sorry the end of this gets dark #you need another reason to hate the Kaminoans?#because I got one right here #anyway kind of feel like the conspiracy guy ranting in front of the conspiracy board with this one #is this intentional?#maybe #do I care?#no

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rivetgoth · 1 year

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Not to shame some baby bats but oh man am I tired of seeing online newcomers to the industrial scene not being able to conceptualize the musicians as actual real living people who have endured real hardship and instead fandomizing them and treating them like silly little characters. And I’m not even talking about like real person fiction I’m talking stuff like making extremely inappropriate jokes at the expense of the musicians, often to their damn faces. Just saw someone tag Ogre’s personal Instagram in a joke about Al Jourgensen’s IV drug use. What the fuck is wrong with you. I still like see red with anger when I remember stumbling into someone’s Nivek Ogre roleplay blog where they used DRG’s OVERDOSE as a point of drama IN THEIR KINK ROLEPLAY. I fucking hope none of you watch your loved ones fall apart and eventually die from drug addiction or god forbid suffer from it yourself. And it’s not just that; I’ll never forget when those posts about Skuppy’s music being used at Gitmo were circulating as if it was just some quirky thing. Posts like “lol imagine being a war prisoner and suddenly Assimilate starts playing” as if that shit doesn’t suck hardcore and wasn’t the absolute antithesis of what Skinny Puppy has always fought for which is pacifism and equality and the end of war and violence and brutality. The people being tortured at Gitmo are real people and Skinny Puppy was reasonably devastated by the situation. Spamming public tags on IG with terminally online often very sexual jokes about these guys, me having to wade through “I want Raymond Watts to vore me XD jdhgdkdksjdh” in the damn KMFDM tag. Seeing a 17 year old comment on a popular musician’s selfie in eyeliner saying he looked “queer” and being like “I just know you don’t use he/him pronouns” like that shit IS WEIRD. THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE!!

IDK man. This is not a fandom, it is a real community that these guys are part of. I am friends with some of these musicians and/or their friends IN REAL LIFE because I live in the same city as them and go to the same events as them. I haven’t done anything special other than be around them and be chill. Tons of them are my Facebook friends or my mutuals on Instagram or they’re my friends’ Facebook friends and mutuals on Instagram. I’ve had some of my favorite musicians follow me back COMPLETELY unexpectedly. I’ve heard “I recognize you from online” when I’ve met some of my favorite people in the scene, even if we hadn’t directly interacted before… MULTIPLE times. I’ve made posts about a band and then saw the fucking band repost it to a different site. I’ve seen my blog get linked in the official Skinny Puppy group that the band moderates. I also know like three separate situations where somebody’s publicly posted RPF was SENT TO THE BAND MEMBERS. I’m relatively neutral (or at least have a lot of nuance) about RPF but some fucking self awareness would be nice; these guys are NOT that “famous,” they are actively running their social media pages, they don’t have PR guys, they are lurking social media, interacting with fans, their friends are normal people in the scene. It just feels so disrespectful and out of touch. Did you know that one time somebody made a joke about Ogre being on drugs in the Skinny Puppy Facebook group and Ogre himself logged in for the first time in awhile to say it wasn't funny and was painful for him to see NOT because of his own past with drugs but because it reminded him of the amount of friends he’s had die from addiction and overdose? That was a real moment that happened. It isn’t funny.

I just keep seeing this breed of newcomers who get super into the identity of being “an industrial fan” (usually with all these edgy extras like “fucked up sicko dykefag rivethead freak”) who are coming into it straight out of like, the Danganrompa or Saw or whatever fandom and cannot conceptualize the fact that this isn’t a “fandom,” they don’t know how to talk about it like it’s not a fandom, they talk about how the musicians are “so old now” which is just so insulting (you should be BEGGING the universe to be so kind as to allow you to live to be grey and wrinkly and still making art that you love!) or make jokes at the expense of the traumas they’ve endured, they don’t seek out more obscure or more recent or more local music even though THAT is what is keeping the scene alive. it has real life spaces that the musicians they’re idolizing are frequenting and it is very very obvious that they are not going outside or engaging with the scene at all, they aren’t viewing it as this huge community of people who are all congregating together over their love for this music. They’re treating the musicians like these crazy characters but they are real people and their traumas and struggles and “weird” behavior is what brought them to this type of music to begin with! They’re making posts about how musicians just aren’t “weird” anymore while completely ignoring the decades of recent incredible music from artists trying desperately to survive in this world IN THE SCENE THEY CLAIM TO BE PART OF!! You are not a depraved freak punk rivethead faggot you are a 20 year old introvert that listens to NIN, KMFDM, and Skinny Puppy while not supporting the scene in any tangible way whatsoever and talking about the people who created the genre like they’re commodifiable fictional characters. And it’s not a question of “you don’t listen to enough music to be legit!” I love baby bats and newcomers and I absolutely adore seeing people get into this music and find solace and community within it. Industrial music saved my life and I was once the newcomer just discovering this stuff. it’s a question of “you are being disrespectful and out of touch while acting like you know what more than you really do.” Go out to a goth club. Talk to people. Sing along in a crowd to your favorite songs. Type in Bandcamp Dot Com right now and discover a new artist. Buy an album and tip them. That r/LSD comment where the guy said “keep it chill or suffer the consequences.”

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mixelation · 14 days

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Thoughts on canon ships: NaruHina? SaiIno? ShikaTema?

send me a ship and i'll give you my brutally honest opinion on it

NaruHina

Having only read the manga for much of part 2, Hinata is not heavily featured as doing much at all, and this ship came off as pretty shoehorned in. As I've talked about before, I like Hinata's ~aesthetic~, but I don't find her very interesting. I additionally don't really find teen/adult Naruto that interesting. So like.... this ship is just very boring to me lol.

Their canon marriage did Hinata less dirty than Sakura, at least. Like I know Boruto is mad his dad isn't around more, but adult Hinata seems to have enough of a spine that I think she and Naruto have probably worked out compromises for his insane work schedule.

SaiIno

This ship also has barely any canon development and yet somehow makes perfect sense to me. They are the mean girl couple. They talk shit about you in front of you. They have matching midriffs. I also think Sai and Ino are weirdly compatible. Like, Sai is someone who seems to yearn for connections with other people, but he needs how relationships even work clearly laid out for him. He needs his partner to be able to very clearly communicate their emotions and how they want to be treated. Ino is both self-aware and confident enough to do exactly this. And I think, besides canonically finding him hot, Ino would find Sai's uncomplicated approach to interpersonal relationships to be a relief. He's mean and catty in a way that's fun, but also she can just go "when you say X, it makes me feel Y" and he will actually engage with that and have an honest conversation about it.

ShikaTema

This might be the only canon ship that felt developed besides SasuNaru. Like, the new one-shot I think did a lot for MinaKushi, but their original backstory was just kind of like, "Okay?"

Shikamaru and Temari have a certain edginess to their interactions that Compelled me when I was like 12. He impresses her in a fight and then forfeits and says she would have won, and everyone should know that. She shows up to save his ass in the Sasuke retrieval arc. When we see them again, they're working together on official Chunin Exam business. It really did feel like their relationship was built up purposefully. I don't remember ever actively seeking out content (probably because canon was enough for me), but I was on board as a baby teen.

That being said, now that I've grown and matured, I'm not really compelled by this ship any more. I don't really like the way Shikamaru's role in the manga kind of turned into "genius favorite character can do no wrong," and I don't like the way Temari was treated in her match against Shikamaru. Like, even though she won, it's painted sooooo firmly as Shikamaru being cool and mature. Given Naruto as a manga is very bad at giving any women agency, it's kind of annoying. But it is developed in canon. I'll give it that.

I do think I might click on a fic that was less about the ship itself and more about, like... navigating Temari's bizarre family. How does Shikamaru interact with her brothers? Do they ever visit Suna and have super awkward family dinners? What was integrating into Konoha like for Temari?

#ask meme answer #i like shitty little kid naruto alright because i just like bratty kids #but in general i don't really like naruto as a character lmao

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olderthannetfic · 8 months

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I wasn't sure if I should share this experience because it feels a little mean but it genuinely gave me a laugh and I've been wondering how common it is in 2023.

A few months ago a group of people on Twitter began harassing me because I wasn't updating my fic enough. One of these girls had started by... I guess live tweeting her reactions to my fic? That had gotten her a lot of interaction and now that my updates were slowing down, so was her popularity within the fandom. Not that she'd ever admit that was why, but that was absolutely why.

Anyway, I rather pettily left an author's note on my next chapter about children and entitlement and... you get the point. Twitter did not take that well and that same day the call-out posts started cropping up. Shit like '[me] has ALWAYS been problematic' and screenshots of parts of my fic that are apparently gross and toxic and 'Please stay safe, everyone!'.

It's funny how only they realised my fic has 'abusive themes' (eye-roll - the main pairing just argues sometimes instead of immediately sitting down for a chapter-long therapy session) after I hurt their feelings.

So I get this hate for a good three weeks, mostly championed by this guy who's known for being in its edgy era and having absolutely zero self-awareness of that. It constantly asks others to send it names of people they're too scared to call out because it actively wants to bully people and champions sending death threats and suicide bait because 'Pedos deserve them' (Pedo in this sense means any adult that tells it to fuck off). Then, suddenly, edgy guy disappears and the hate fizzles out. I'm very much on a blacklist now, but most of these kids have gotten bored and have found someone else to obsess over.

This brings me to today. Turns out, edgy guy disappeared because its mother checked its phone, saw how it was behaving online and it's been grounded ever since. No phone, no laptop, the whole shebang.

I guess I'm telling this story to ask: how many people have had their harassment stopped in its tracks by some kid's snooping mom confiscating their phone? With the way children behave in fandom spaces these days, it's got to be somewhat common. I refuse to believe I'm alone in this, LOL.

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raytorosaurus · 2 years

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pls tell me you don't think disliking lynz is misogynistic lol i must've misinterpreted that

nope! it's totally fine to dislike lynz, i also don't like her myself. she's said some very questionable things and MSI grosses me out, as does her association with jimmy urine. i already know people will want to take this the wrong way so i want to make it clear that i'm not defending any of that. i'm pointing out an irritating mindless pattern of behaviour in this fandom that is immature and reductive at best and misogynistic at worst, which includes:

1. the intensity of the vitriol that is directed at her being disproportionate to most of the men ppl blog about who have done/said similar, if not much worse, things. and honestly in a lot of cases disproportionate to what she's actually done

2. the fact that i see so many people (especially on twitter) blindly jumping on the bandwagon of hating on her often without knowing what exactly it is they're hating her for - and even then, most of the reasons i see parrotted on twitter are either contextless and overexaggerated or not even one of the aforementioned valid reasons for disliking her. i don't know how to tell you this but if you believe everything on lynzuglyliar you need to reevaluate how you engage with information on the internet lol

3. the level of glee with which people hate on her, which truly smacks of old-school fandom misogyny reserved for women who marry your faves or get in the way of your favourite ship. on twitter especially it honestly truly feels like people are delighted to have a wife of the band they're "allowed" to hate on lol. i know a lot of that is coming from teenagers who will grow up and learn more self-awareness but that doesn't make it any less annoying or disappointing to see

4. the ridiculous mental gymnastics required to hate her so much while continuing to be a fan of the person who is married to her and in love with her lmao. sorry but if you truly think she's that irredeemable why are you still here

like. i hate msi and i go out of my way to avoid listening to them. but it's worth keeping in mind that the kind of shock-jock edgy gross music they wrote was not exclusive to msi in the 2000s. i hate it too and think it's stupid and counterproductive to whatever point it's supposedly trying to make but it was like. a thing for a while unfortunately. it was bad at the time and it aged even worse, but gerard and frank at the very least, and probably the others too, vocally enjoyed it. frank voluntarily chose to tour with msi and mcr performed with them multiple times and were always excited about it. if you truly think lynz's involvement with that band is indefensible, you should extend at least part of that criticism to mcr too. the amount of times i've seen people saying "omg frank hates lynz so much" is fucking ridiculous, and it's based entirely on the same kind of conjecture that led people to believe mcr didn't remain close friends after the breakup lol. if you have to make up things like that - or worse, make up and spread infidelity rumours or actual domestic abuse allegations (it's not even rare to see this on twitter) - to excuse their association with lynz/msi, you need to take a look at yourself tbh

this is partly a twitter-specific problem because that platform is literally set up to disallow meaningful or nuanced conversation but it's really exhausting to see hundreds of snippy "she's the devil" tweets and if you say anything vaguely critical of the the way fandom treats her you get immediately shot down with "why are you defending A Racist" with zero context or clarification. i hate to break it to you but if lynz is A Racist of an irredeemable level, so is gerard. hell, so is frank for blindly listening to and promoting black metal bands with nazi associations when he as a metal fan should know better and do his research. lynz's racism in question is the kind that's overwhelmingly common among liberal white women who are into witchcraft-type stuff. again, i am not condoning it, it's still wrong, but you cannot hold her to different standards than you do the guys in mcr. i'm just saying if you're able to acknowledge gerard's questionable statements and attitudes in the past, condemn them, acknowledge that he's changing and learning, but still go on liking him as a person and supporting his art...what is the reason you can't do the same for lynz.

i've seen people on twitter accuse lynz of plagiarism in an impressively tone-deaf misinterpretation of her art genre, sometimes the same people who would call gerard doing something similar a clever reference. i have literally seen people quote male members of MSI making sexually objectifying and openly misogynistic comments about lynz as some kind of gotcha saying "look, even her bandmates don't respect her" and like...if you can't see something deeply wrong with that i don't know what to tell you. i've seen COUNTLESS people bring up vague information "revealed" by her actual estranged family members on twitter after people stalked them to try to get dirt on lynz and if you think parroting back contextless one-sided information from other people's private family drama isn't a) about the least reliable source of information ever and b) deeply disgusting and inappropriate, i really don't know what to tell you

if you despise lynz to the point where you're in mcr's comments telling gerard to divorce her (again. i shouldn't have to say that this is disgusting behaviour) or booing when they perform summertime or accusing her of infidelity or abuse (which i cannot stress enough are rumours originally made up by frerard tinhatters) or anything like that, why are you even here. like what mental gymnastics are you doing to be able to remain a fan of gerard at this point. none of this is activism, if anything it's counterproductive to your point because it's indicative of the lack of critical thinking or maturity that's necessary when you're engaging with topics like casual/unconscious racism and normalised sexual abuse in the music industry

i'm probably not going to say more about this because this isn't really the hill i want to die on considering i don't even particularly like her myself but please i am begging you approach your dislike of lynz with just a little bit of critical thought and self-awareness instead of just blindly despising her for things that most of the men we blog about are also guilty of.

#the 'you' in here is the royal you im not accusing you specifically of all these things anon #i don't know what to tag this lol #answered #okay now back to fun times i habe pixels to stare at

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i-heart-hxh · 11 months

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Who do you think fell in love first, Gon or Killua?

Thank you so much for asking! Sorry for taking so long to reply, I've been busy, but I've been thinking about this since I received it!

I don't think this is a simple thing to gauge, but I think ultimately Gon started having feelings first. This is a great meta that I agree with on the topic and it goes over a lot of the more objective reasons to think this is the case.

Both of them gravitated towards each other fairly equally in the Hunter Exam (although Gon does have friendships with Kurapika and Leorio as well, vs Killua's primary focus being on Gon), however because of Gon's personality, in my opinion he was more prone to simply like and admire Killua with no complication right off the bat, and without the need to examine or confront those feelings. Whereas with Killua it takes him a bit longer to let himself trust and care about Gon fully, due to the complications of how he grew up and what he was taught to believe about making friends.

In the earlier parts of the Hunter Exam, Killua clearly is interested in Gon, but it almost seems like he's testing him to see if they can be friends. Killua keeps throwing out edgy facts about himself, which, while they're true, the way he uses them almost as quips seems like he's pushing to see if Gon will stop wanting to associate with him. Of course, Gon is an unusual guy and isn't fazed by anything Killua throws at him. He simply accepts whatever Killua reveals to him, and it doesn't lower his opinion of Killua.

Then in the later parts of the exam, Killua feels slighted that Netero ranked Gon above him, and during the Gon vs Hanzo match it seems like he's essentially assessing Gon trying to figure out why rather than having much emotional response to what Hanzo does to Gon (as the meta I posted above said, violence towards children is also normal in Killua's household, so there's that as well).

By the time Killua makes his big declaration of wanting to be friends with Gon to Illumi, he's clearly made up his mind, but it seems like a new revelation, and of course after that he's busy dealing with the situation with Illumi.

As soon as Gon hears about what happened with Killua, he marches up to Illumi and breaks his arm in the middle of the lecture, and then he puts aside his goal of finding his dad, his entire aim and purpose for his journey, because he feels he MUST rescue Killua and be with him again. He even tells Illumi he'll never see Killua again. I don't know if I'd say he's fully in love with Killua at that point, but...he's definitely a good few steps in that direction.

The Zoldyck Family arc is instrumental to the formation of their bond on both sides. Even with how naturally stubborn and self-sacrificing Gon is, I do think it's worth noting how Gon does absolutely everything in his power to get Killua back. He demands Killua back at every turn. I think knowing Gon went to those lengths for him is a huge thing for Killua, and from that point on Killua's feelings for Gon change and grow. But it seems like Gon had already reached that point before Killua did--it's like Killua needed that final push.

I personally see Gon's feelings as ones that have been growing all along and he knows they're there and they're different from his feelings for his other friends, but he's likely not entirely aware of the full context around them or what exactly they mean because he hasn't bothered to pick them apart or try to place them in the right context. (Previous answer on this topic here.) Whereas with Killua, because of his more introspective personality and the fact that Gon is his main focus and connection, his romantic feelings for Gon are something he's more aware of and they're more at the forefront of his mind, particularly from Greed Island onward.

I think they have mutual crushes from the Zoldyck arc on (Gon's perhaps starting a just bit sooner for the reasons I wrote above), and the actual love is something that's more challenging to pinpoint. They adore each other so much from the beginning and in the narrative it seems both of their feelings only keep growing as time goes and they spend more time together. I certainly think that by Greed Island they're quite committed to each other. There are so many milestones for these two realizing how much they care about each other, it's incredibly sweet and it makes it hard to narrow down some sort of specific timeline. I could probably write a book length post trying, haha.

In spite of how differently the two of them may experience and think about their feelings, I believe they love each other to a similar degree. One of the differences is that, while Gon has several other areas of focus and quite a few friendships, Killua's focus up until now has been unhealthily weighted towards Gon. In Chimera Ant Arc, even amid Killua's intense infatuation with Gon, we begin to see this change--with Killua befriending Ikalgo and Palm, then later rescuing Alluka, accepting Nanika, etc. The separation may give them each a chance to focus on the parts of their life that they were lacking--for Gon, introspection and better understanding his own feelings and figuring out what he wants to do now, and for Killua, expanding his focus and friendships to others besides Gon so his life isn't only Gon all the time.

I hope that's at least somewhat satisfying. Thanks again for asking and waiting for me to respond!

#hxh #hunter x hunter #killugon #gonkillu #gon #killua #meta #my posts #this is such a complex question to answer #like always it feels like there's a lot more I could say #but hopefully this is a good start and I can explore more later!#ahhh every time I write hxh meta I feel like there are 10 other related things I want to write about it as well #one of the reasons I love this series so much

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flokali · 10 months

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Bestie...

I'm trying to remain calm but

Holy-

˓˓ ⍥⃝⃝ ˒˒

I want to scream on how good you portray Zhongli like, he's not totally like grovelling off the bat. He's still got that Archon side to him. He knows that we have a little part of us that still loves him despite his actions. And the little grovelling session as we're getting f-cked silly, BESTIE I'M ROLLING AROUND IN MY BED BECAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. And how delusional he is- mwah, chefs motherefffin kiss. It's the perfect balance of him still being in control despite us being the creator while he's a follower that's asking for forgiveness. Wait bestie, I'm gonna reread it again. I need to. It's delectable. Sorry for the word vomit but I NEED to say how much I love it.

Ahhh;; bestie, nonnie, my beloved ! I’m so happy you liked it !! I really like when my men are delusional enough they worship you like a deity but have a thread of awareness that reminds them they still have the ability to flip the script and force you to worship them >_>

I wanted Zhongli to be… aware (?) of his role as both a God and a believer. Like, on one hand for all his life he’s seen himself as your servant, as a follower, a sheep that follows its shepherd, a vessel for your wishes and orders, while I believe that during his early “100% Rex Lapis Edgy War God” phase he probably was really dismissive of you and your role, as he grows older he becomes one of the more fanatical, self-righteous followers who believes he knows you and your will the best - he’s older than most, he’s spent centuries being in your servitude. On the other hand, Zhongli definitely notices you’re not nearly as powerful as him, you have no Vision and your “divine powers” are not… powering. Before he realizes you are in deed the being he worshiped, he thought it was almost comical how powerless, how utterly weak you were, you had no idea where you were or how to survive - it was sheer luck and determination that kept you alive. So when he finally, after weeks of searching for you and requesting a meeting, one where an agreement between you two can be settled, he’s overly aware of the power he holds - in theory you have the upper hand, he is your servant, he’d declared himself yours and made an oath to you, but in reality, if Zhongli wanted and truly gave it his all to he could probably have taken you hostage the minute you stepped into his domain.

He really is being this “nice” because he genuinely believes this is the right way to do it, he really thinks this is the way to ask you for forgiveness; you’re weak, upset, and clearly not in the right state of mind, so he’ll just… take it into his own hands! He sees you as his god, but you’re also… weak, you need him, you need his help and power if you wanted to truly survive and thrive the way you deserve to.

I ramble a little bit about world-building UTC;; huhuhu

In my interpretation of the self-aware cult/organized religion that centers you/the player as a deity, especially in Genshin, you’d have very, very limited powers if at all. I think it’d be very interesting to have a God figure who is just… not all that. You are undoubtedly the person who’s been “helping” them, you are very much the god they have been praying to, but you’re also just… human. Here on earth we don’t have Visions, we don’t have the 7 Archons, there’s no Celestia, you were only capable of your “miracles” because it was a game, because you were meant to be able to do that. With that in mind, I feel like the Archons and some more observant acolytes might be able to figure out you’re pretty much defenseless, you have no power here. I believe most, if not all, of them will eventually realize, it just so happens that in this fic - you’re in Liyue and Zhongli gets his hands on your first.

If I had to make a list of characters who might act similarly to him in the fic… it might be like: Al Haitham (he probably sees you as dumber than him and weaker), Wanderer (in his eyes you’re too naive and weak), Dottore (without the groveling, he’s meaner and more condescending but he still… respects you to some (very minimal) degree), Ningguang (she’s softer and more manipulative, she thinks of you as a pretty, weak, and delicate thing - like… a rare ornament), Ei (she gets really emotional and becomes increasingly paranoid the more she realizes how much weaker you are compared to the average Teyvat Vision user, she sees you as weak but she genuinely thinks she’s helping you), and Yae (she probably behaves like a mix between Ei and Zhongli, she feels like a more lowkey follower but she worries greatly for you and genuinely wants to protect you and sees this as her only way).

#๋࣭. hidden devotee #๋࣭ offerings #wow;; i rambled on a lot but i just love love love the idea of a powerful person who wants to worship you but can’t fully… submit #hehhee

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13eyond13 · 11 days

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Who are your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from Berserk? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Thanks.....

I think I kinda only have 4 main faves, really? And that's probably a pretty obvious bunch (Guts, Casca, Griffith, and Puck). I got attached to them all in the first arcs and then stuck out the rest of the stuff mainly just for them without getting extremely attached to anybody else (though I do think the rest of the story is definitely worth reading, and there are many amazing things that come later on as well).

(Warning for spoilers below):

I love Guts because I just cared about him and what happens to him way more than I initially expected I would. I think he's very relatable to me personality-wise and just not your typical macho protagonist guy in some pretty interesting and unusual ways. I also like that he's both kind of simple and complicated all at once and not just a corny noble typical hero type guy, but not completely boring and edgy and nihilistic either. It's a fun blend. I felt a ton for Casca as well and just thought she was very sympathetic and tough yet vulnerable too. I think Griffith's idealism and ambition makes much of the intriguing drama and plot happen that I actually care about in the story, and that he's definitely a complex character that's maybe the most fun one to analyze in a fandom sense. And Puck is just that cute little voice of reason / comic relief sort of character who keeps you going when Guts is being particularly grim and surly and difficult to connect to and when the story is verging on way too dark and bleak, and since he's with you from the very start it's hard not to get attached!

Some Top Favourite Moments (I couldn't narrow it down to five):

-Guts's interactions with Theresia, the Count's daughter / that entire scene in the Black Swordsman Arc: Maybe a bit of an oddball choice, but I distinctly remember that this part of the story was surprising and interesting to me in a good way because it just showed some sides of Guts's character that I didn't expect, and made him seem a bit more unusual and interesting of a character to follow in my eyes. I felt like his weirdass/awkward dark advice to her to just kill herself if she really didn't want to live anymore was obviously because he himself had gone through something like that as a kid and then come to that conclusion based on his own survival instincts as well, and just spoke a lot about how strange and rough his own life and upbringing and worldview probably was, to see that as sincerely good advice to give to a kid at that time? It was different than what you'd expect a typical hero to say or do, and the fact that Puck comments on it like "dang, he's not even trying to be an asshole or mean, he legit thinks that's a good thing to say to her" made me laugh as well, because that was the impression I got from it too. It was also surprising to see him like tearing up afterwards? Idk it just marked a moment to me where my interest in the story and in Guts as a character deepened and changed a bit, so I like it for that!

- Guts and Griffith's first swordfight:

So good and iconic and also perhaps one of the most homoerotic things ever to be put on a page

-Guts holding his sword up to the moon and deciding he was gonna fight for Griffith's sake

- Guts and Casca's first kiss: I kinda get the feeling from most Griffguts fans that it's not super popular to have and share positive or warm feelings about this pair, but I thought the moments between them like their first kiss were actually so cute. I thought it made sense for them and their relationship at the time, and was nice to see them both having a soft and warm and consensual moment with someone else that they trusted that way

- Guts explaining how Griffith is the only person he can't stand looking down on him to the rest of Band of the Hawk:

Another moment where Guts pleasantly surprised me as a character, this time with how self-aware and forthcoming he was about his thoughts and feelings on this front. He's a pretty close-lipped character about such things and also pretty private and secretive most times, so whenever he does share those kinds of feelings I'm just like !!! and very invested in what he has to say. I also didn't expect the story to take this direction so explicitly, and thought that his prioritizing of his relationship with Griffith over everything else would remain background and buried in his subconscious at best, so I was pretty intrigued that this part actually happened at all

- Guts and Griffith's second sword fight in the snow:

So many interesting things going on between the main three characters here, and I feel like this was one of the most suspenseful parts of the story to me, I was having actual like heart racing physical reactions to it. I also love how it teases the audience a bit with certain clever fake-outs and whatnot, like making you think this is probably going to be how Guts will lose his arm...

-Griffith's visions of his childhood self / guilt about his dream:

Anytime we got a glimpse right inside Griffith's head was a fascinating treat for me, and I think the scene of him being guilted by the God Hand over his childhood dream was a fantastic bit of writing and artwork, and so important to the story as a whole.

-The Eclipse (up until that one scene):

You love to hate it and hate to love it, basically? It's an awful and traumatic time, but also just so effective at doing what it's supposed to do and such a great buildup of dread for this extremely climactic scene, and the horror of it all is super well done to me (though once it gets to the Casca and Femto part it lost me a bit, because I did not like how tastelessly that was depicted at all)

-Griffith's frozen heart starting to beat again:

There's no way that's just because he's fused with the Moonlight Boy or whatever, right? Love the idea that there's still a kernel of his old vulnerable self in there that he couldn't completely kill

-Casca's healing: this was such a LONG TIME COMING and I was so glad it actually happened and that Miura got to depicting that part of the story before he passed, I felt like it actually took 1000 years, and it was one of the major things keeping me reading due to wanting to see it resolved

#berserk spoilers #ask #anon #p #berserk

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snowballsmb · 18 days

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Time for another one of my media review posts!

Murder Drones…. This is, with no exaggeration, one of the best shows I’ve seen, period. The writing is very self aware a fair portion of the time, and it doesn’t fall into the trap I see too many stories fall into of trying to avoid that fact, making it feel forced. Not here, this show is self aware and it leans into it hard (which in my opinion heightens the comedy aspect of the show.

The characters are so unbelievably loveable, even some of the background characters that feel like you should want to hate them. Uzi is so extremely edgy, and again, instead of pretending otherwise she leans into like there’s no tomorrow. N is like Silver the Hedgehog in my eyes: an absolute cinnamon roll. This dude has done horrible things, and has seen even worse, and yet he’s a seemingly unbreakable beacon of positivity, giving the people he cares about an anchor in a raging sea of bullshit. V went from murderous psychopath to the vibes of a protective older sister in only 6 episodes, and her character arc has been one of my favorite parts of the show. Plus she’s an absolute badass! If there’s one character I didn’t love the direction with was Doll, but hey, there’s still the season finale coming up.

The OST is honestly stunning! Like, there’s that gif of the dude playing a piano that catches fire? The whole symphony caught fire with this OST.

One thing that especially blew my mind was how fucking good the animation is. Like, I don’t think I’ve seen anything that can match Murder Drones in the animation department. The combo of the animation and soundtrack during the big battle in episode 7 was awe inspiring, nothing short of it! And there’s always layers upon layers going on visually, both artistically and lore wise, that makes rewatches even more fun, because you get to pick up on more and more little details here and there that you didn’t notice before.

--// absoluteSolver_trn

[like object non-interactive]

I’m gonna be honest, I usually don’t do well with anything in the horror genre. But this show somehow took my discomfort around horror and turned it into thorough enjoyment! I think something I appreciate about it is it doesn’t lean too heavily into jump scares (there are a few, but that’s far from its main source of spooky), and almost all of the characters are robots, so there’s not even close to as much blood as there definitely could be. Overly bloody things and jump scare spam are the types of horror shows/movies/games that I handle the worst… I don’t handle them well at all.

I went in with some expectations (due to seeing A LOT of fanart over the past months) but didn’t really know what to expect. Those expectations were blown to smithereens. And for all the reasons I listed above, I have to rate Murder Drones a 10.7/10

#murder drones #snowball’s media reviews #snowball’s thoughts

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bombdiggity666 · 1 month

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Here Comes Judgement Day Pt.3

A few years ago, I attempted to draw a fan comic to resolve the ambiguous ending of the MTMTE/LL Comic series. I managed to complete one panel, but lost the other three when my computer crashed.

Now, after some time has passed, I feel encouraged to try again. This time, I've written a multi-part story to better guide my comic.

It's worth noting that when I began this project, I was feeling edgy, so it's all based on the song posted below

A Summary:

Megatron faces his impending execution in Garrus 9. As he reflects on his fate, Ultra Magnus grapples with his role as a witness. Through introspection and discussions with Rodimus, Ultra Magnus ultimately decides to attend the execution as Minimus Ambus, embracing his true self and honouring Megatron's last request. Tensions mount as the time draws near, with Rodimus struggling to cope as Megatron's death approaches. WARNING: Major Character Death

"Debts Are Due, It's Time to Pay"

The camera drones felt as if they were venting down his intake. The hovering hum of the drones buzzing around his restrained helm made him dizzy. He tried to focus on the window of the witness viewing room, attempting to see past his own reflection. Council bots and their alien allies had begun to file in once the bells sounded. Their expressions were professionally neutral. Amidst the sea of blue optics, he sensed their excitement at seeing him in this state, well-contained. He looked further, scanning the lower portion of the room for pinpricks of red other than his own, searching for Minimus.

Legally, Ultra Magnus would have the right to attend as a live witness, being his legal representative throughout the trial and sentencing. He had heard rumors that the council had honored this law from the unprofessional murmuring of guards while he awaited execution in his cell. Though it would be a comfort to see Ultra Magnus, Megatron hoped for Minimus Ambus to step up to the glass for a solemn goodbye.

He knew he was punching above his weight in his final request to Minimus. The fact that he had Magnus’s legal representation at all was an undeserved blessing, and he should have left it at that. However, his passing would feel incomplete if he died knowing his friend continued to live hiding behind that blasted mask of Tyrest.

‘Friend,’ he thought, settling his helm back against the berth, pointedly avoiding looking directly into the cameras. He didn’t have many friends left. Never really had many in the first place, not one overly fond of attachments, and it shows with 99.99% of the known galaxy celebrating behind those cameras. He was aware of at least one mech in mourning and he sincerely hoped Rodimus wasn’t watching the live feed. In truth, it was the most prominent reason he avoided looking at the drones. Drift wouldn’t let him, he hoped, but deep down he knew not even he, with all his strength and intimidation, could force Rodimus from doing what Rodimus wanted to do.

He never intended to get the young captain attached; he didn’t think he could. With all that kid's brash ignorance and selfishness, deliberately endangering the crew for the ‘wow’ factor had Megatron certain his processor would implode before he ever respected that bot as an equal. But now, Megatron held Rodimus in higher regard than any Cybertronian alive. ‘The approval from the universe's most hated mech likely wouldn’t get Rodimus far,’ he thought, ‘But it certainly meant a lot too Rodimus’. He wanted to smirk but not in front of his audience, so he keep his emotions in check; the universe could see the slightest change of his spark pulse.

A galactic council orator had moved into view, preparing for his speech to address the witnesses and multitude of gathered drones. He didn’t see Magnus in the stands. He was entering his last kliks now and was struggling to suppress his growing desperation. Evac’s demeanor had become cold and calculating once the cameras began to transmit, removing her comforting servo from his chassis and keeping her optics glued to the medical monitor. He understood her nonpartisan shift, taking no offense to it; she obviously had a reputation to protect. Still, he felt as though he should acknowledge her kindness, before he missed his chance.

“Evac…” his lips barely moving, attempting to be subtle so viewers wouldn’t know he was addressing her. He knew it would be missed with attention on the speaker of the Council. She didn’t respond with words or a touch, but he knew she would be listening. “…Thank you,” he whispered.

As he expected, it was followed by silence. After a moment, he could hear her shuffle slightly, moving from her seated position behind him. Her peds touched the floor and she rounded the corner on his left side, grabbing his wrist and jostling the cable as she began to uncoil it. Her other servo slipped subtly into his. It surprised Megatron, but he kept his optics forward.

"*You are welcome,*" she responded through chirolinguistics. "* I am under oath and cannot remain as a witness. This will be the last time you will see me.*"

Her servo slipped from his quickly as she finished unspooling the wire, handing the loose end off to another bot hidden in the corner. Turning, the medi-bot nodded curtly before making her swift exit. He was alone now, and very aware of the menacing presence lumbering in his neural net. The jack burned his circuits with every movement. Thankfully, there was enough remnants of sedation to take the edge off. But not enough sedation to block out the isolation. His optics drifted back to focus on the window, slowly coming to terms with the fact that Magnus – Minimus- would not be coming. He didn’t feel a sense of betrayal as he thought he might, he only felt cold nothingness and a reminder that no one owed him anything.

“Today we stand together as witnesses of a justice long anticipated by billions. Together, Cybertronians, colony worlds and allies of the galactic council shall close the book on the darkest stain of our past and move towards a brighter future.”

Megatron rolled his optics. They should have let him write his own send-off, lest it actually be memorable.

---

“-our past and move towards a brighter future.” The voice of the orator was muffled behind the metal door. Minimus all but hurled himself at it, not caring for the potential interruption it may have caused. He was showing up five kliks late to the most significant event of modern Cybertronian history, and he was showing up naked and bloodied. Reputation be damned to the pits. The door spilled open faster than he had anticipated, stumbling messily into the crowded room of towering mechs, who turned in unison to stare. Bewildered. There was a quick, confused pause from the orator, but with practiced professionalism, he continued with his pretentious sermon.

The confused stares continued as his identity was clearly being questioned. Cowering slightly at the foreign feeling of being looked down upon, he almost felt the need to explain himself.

Almost.

His timid blemished faceplates hardened with resolve, and with a venting huff of vigor, Minimus stood to his full height, marching forward. No one needed to know who he was, the door opened for him, that would be enough. Let the council mechs piece it together in their own time.

“Pardon” He pushed between the legs and drapes of bots who didn’t step out of his way, and he did so without apology, determined to make it to the front.

“Megatron of Tarn, founder of the Decepticon movement, terrorist instigator of the manual class uprising, Warlord of the Cybertronian civil conflict, and genocidal tyrant responsible for the deaths of trillions: cybernetic and organic…”

Minimus could see the window through a forest of legs and armor plating. Panicking, he began to run with helm low and arms bracing, dozing and squeezing his way desperately past bots now. He managed to push through into the front row, stumbling out of the frontlines and jumping up to the window like a sparkling, he pull himself into view. 'I’m here!' he reassured in his head. 'I’m—' He locked optics on Megatron through the window, and his determined expression dropped in an instant as his spark’s adrenaline was replaced with dread.

Time slowed with shock as his optics wandered over Megatron, frame bound and exposed in such vulnerability it made his bruised tank churn in sympathy. Megatron was a mech who let few near him, let alone witness a hint of weakness. The dim lighting of the chamber emphasized his open spark chamber, pectoralis plating removed and casing pried open with what Minimus could only assume were override codes. The low pulsing hum of medical monitors displaying Megatron’s vitals echoed ominously. It was ironic in a way, the mech who broke away from his chains now gets to die in them. Minimus’s spark felt heavy in his chest in solidarity. He hoped Rodimus wasn’t seeing this, it would be too much.

Megatron’s spark was sea-green, like his own, and it pulsed at a steady practiced pace, displaying a disturbing lack of anxiousness for a mech on their deathbed. Megatron was a bravery bot, detrimentally so, but Minimus could tell this was a sedated calmness. The Ex-warlord could hold his composure in intense situations, but never in vulnerable ones. He dragged his optics back to Megatron’s face. He was smiling brightly. Stupidly so, dentae exposed and all. His optics burning with reassurance and deep gratitude. It was contagious, Minimus’s own lips pulled up at the corners but his optics failed to follow suit. How dare he make Megatron comfort him right now.

Time resumed abruptly, and the drone of the speech was only a distant noise in the background.

"—For the atrocities committed under your reign of terror, you have been sentenced to death by the Council and people of Cybertron."

---

A disturbance in the witness chamber pulled Megatron back into focus. The slight pause of the oration grabbed his attention as light quickly flashed throughout the room. A door opening? Someone arrived? A ping of hope, he heard his vital monitors speed up slightly. All the bots looked towards the interruption, looking down. He held in a vent as his audience began to shuffle around, some in slight annoyance as they were seemingly pushed aside by a an unseen figure.

Then suddenly, an all too familiar face burst into in the bottom corner of the viewing window. Red optics pierced sharply, unmistakable green face plating contrasted ocean of blue optic tri-colored mecha surrounding him. His little, comical mustache scrunched at the effort of holding himself in view. Megatron couldn’t control his relief, loosing composure as an uncharacteristic smile split out across worn faceplates.

Minimus Ambus.

They locked optics. Despite his deactivated systems and corrupted senses, Megatron could physically feel Minimus’s shocked horror at the sight. It was not an expression he cared for. ‘It’s okay, Minimus,’ he attempted to project some semblance of soothing reassurance through his stare. But it wasn’t a talent he excelled at. Despite the barriers, it seemed to be communicated. Tension eased slightly from Minimus’s frame as a gentle smile broke out on his lips, optics poorly masking his restrained turmoil. With his optics, Megatron pressed, ‘Don’t mourn for me,’ his smile relaxing to mimic Minimus’s gentle grin. ‘I deserve much, much worse.’

The harsh words of the orator sentencing him to death brought Megatron back to reality. Perhaps smiling through the listing of his charges wasn’t conducive to the image of the ‘changed mech’ he supposedly was, but frag it, it changed nothing now. He would much rather see Minimus smile than save face for the cameras. The cameras…Rodimus.

Megatron shifted his gaze to locate a media drone, twisting his helm to look directly into its lens. Though he hoped Rodimus wasn’t invested in the livestream, he knew better. With a light smirk and a reassuring nod, he saluted to his co-captain—No, his captain. It was an incomplete salute with servos restrained, but he hoped it was the acknowledgment Rodimus needed. A thank you to his friend, as only Primus knows the immense amount of patience and forgiveness Rodimus displayed during their adventures.

“…the appalling nature of your crimes would otherwise revoke the right for last words, lest you use them in martyrdom…” the orator was addressing Megatron directly now, his voice dripping with dramatic menace. “However, with the role you played in the Luna 1 crisis, the orator of your defense swayed the council to generously grant you final words, a privilege which shall be revoked instantly if inappropriate conduct is observed.”

Megatron turned to face the live witnesses. He did not have a planned statement prepared, didn’t think he would need one. He was honestly surprised he was still alive at all. These bots who stood before him wouldn’t care for anything he would have to say, and an apology now would be hollow and meaningless. Why waste his words on a universe no longer listening, only watching, anticipating the next phase? He looked to Minimus. The small bot was still standing in the front row, balancing on the tips of his peds, desperately listening. One of the few bots still listening. One of the only bots left who appreciated his articulate words. He recalled warmly a moment they shared on the Lost Light, during their final toast. He knew exactly what he wanted to say.

“You flare, you flicker, you fade…” He began, voice gentle and laden with finality. He wasn’t addressing the masses. No, this was a personal conversation.

Tears welled up in Minimus’s optics, yet he kept his smile firm as he began to mouth the words alongside Megatron, placing a small servo on the screen of the viewing window and resting his chin on the sill. “Till all your tomorrows become yesterdays…” Megatron’s optics were unwavering, though he did catch the movement in the corner of the room. An unknown medical bot stepped into view, working on the monitor he was connected to. A command code shot past his corrupted firewall, startling him with a hitch of his vents. Suddenly exhausted, he realized he was going into stasis. He wasn’t finished yet!

“Do not yield to broken ways,…” He jolted, shaking his helm, fighting. "That seek to bind us, keep us slaves…"

Minimus’s eyes widened. It was another poem, one famously chanted throughout the streets of all major cities prior to the Deception insurrection. A verse shared by many, which became famously intertwined in both ideologies as the war developed. It was released anonymously, originating from the underground fighting pits of Kaon. Or at least it was thought. It seems that Megatron published anonymous works in several lower caste languages and cities to throw the senate off his scent.

“Till battles are won, till tyrants fall-“ His optics were going offline; he couldn’t control them any longer, but he kept them focused on Minimus as they faded, green faceplates blurring, grey waning in the peripheral. He could feel his intake slowing, slurring. He wasn’t finished yet! The monitor behind his helm hummed slower and slower as his processor slowed. Thoughts were slowing, staggering. He held on desperately to the words he needed to say.

Minimus grew ever more uncomfortable watching him struggle, but he held fast. He made a promise to not look away until the very end. It was the only comfort he could give. He leaned in closer to the screen, helm touching the glass.

A medic could not administer the kill code. The medibot stepped away from the panel, nodding to a blacked figure to take control. This figure, blurred in Megatron’s peripheral, stepped up quickly. A satisfied smile painted their white faceplates, and the contrast was such that Megatron, with stunning clarity, identified his executioner, even with rapidly fading optics.

Prowl.

He was glad it was Prowl. Megatron knows his death will leave a void in the enforcer. He’ll cope by calling it a sense of satisfaction. A sense of closure. But he will feel nothing. Killing always did that, made you struggle for solace.

“Till…All…” He vented hard to get the words out, fans beginning to stall and hydraulics hissing as they decompressed. He lost his visual feed fully, fighting to keep his helm up and facing Minimus.

“Are-“ His voice was a wheeze of static now, losing all of its bite and intensity as his vocalizer began to seize.

“May the well of sparks be merciful.” Prowl growled mockingly. Impatient as always, he hit the kill button, eyes seething and searing as he attempted to steal Megatron’s lasts word. The medic stepped forward, furiously grabbing his wrist and pulling it back, but it was too late. The code had been sent.

Megatron, as far gone as he was into a stasis shutdown, felt it instantly. The medical port searing on his left wrist caused him to recoil, weakly baring his dentae and interrupting his thought. The malicious code harbored in his subsystems exploded outwards, infecting and forcing the shutdown of the remainder of his systems. His helm fell back to the berth in a breathless gasp. The code burned through his neural network; he could hear the whirling whine down of his systems stalling, vitals failing, fuel pump halting, motor relays shot. The Spark monitor was beeping and droning in concern behind his helm. The sound was moving further and further away; distant now. The code was moving to his spark, and that would be it. He had one more word left, one more word. With all the strength and determined stubbornness he could draw on, for all his worth, he fought, he fought harder than he ever did in the mines, the pits, the war. He had always been fighting for his words, fighting by his words, now, He fought with everything for his last word. For Optimus, for Rodimus, and especially for Minimus…

“…One…” he whispered nearly voicelessly. The code reached his spark, and he let go instantly, ready to rest. Everything went dark. Thoughts. Feelings. Conscious. Quick. Painless…Peaceful.

------

The surface of Cybertron was ablaze with thunderous noise and celebration. The magnitude of jumping and prancing in the streets of the great cities shook buildings. Chants, songs, cheers, and whistling filled the air to the near limit of Cybertronian aerospace, registering on satellites and moons. Light shows of fireworks and aerial acrobatics encouraged the excitement and festivities to continue, but not much encouragement was needed. The oil house was no exception, with the cheering so loud and consuming it caused the optical feed to fizzle with the frequency and intensity.

Megatron’s slack faceplates haunted Ratchet more than he cared to admit. He said he wasn’t going to watch, but it was difficult, given the circumstances. It was a clean clinical kill, he rationalized, definitely more than that slag bastard deserved. However, it certainly made it no easier to watch. The monitors continued to display Megatron’s cooled frame like a trophy, and it disappointed the Autobot in the old medic. Bots used to flood to the Koanian pits like this, prancing and cheering over dead mechs. Ratchet shook the thought, no need to stoke his already bitter fire. He had other concerns to manage.

Luckily, the rambunctiousness of the bar distracted from the hunched form of Rodimus at the bar. He was sobbing silently into his servos, his whole body shaking as he struggled to pull in vents. It was grief Ratchet had not seen in a long time, not even when news of Optimus’s death reached Cybertron. He had faith that Rodimus would pull through, that was until Megatron’s smiling goodbye, and now? He wasn’t so sure.

Drift was draped over Rodimus’s frame like a protective blanket, holding him close to his chest. He hummed and shushed soothingly as he rubbed gentle circles down the side of his faceplates like consoling a lost and orphaned sparkling. Ratchet's spark squeezed uncomfortably. He stepped towards them from his shadowy corner of the hall, sensing Drift's need for backup.

Ratchet placed a hand on Rodimus’s shoulder, leaning in slightly to let him know he was there, but he didn’t say anything. There was nothing he could say. Instead, he defaulted to medic mode, monitoring Rodimus’s internal temperature and ventilations. A coping mechanism, a nice little remnant from the war. It wasn’t long before Ratchet felt Drift bury his faceplates into the side his neck, optics offline and expression pinched, EM field flared uncomfortably. The medic realized he wasn’t backup for Rodimus anymore. Extending his other arm around Drift's shoulder, he pulled the two speeders close to his chest, resting his chin on the back of Drift's helm. They held that position for quite some time, unseen and forgotten in the midst of the celebration of the planet.

"Minimus," Ratchet pinged urgently over comms. "Wakes happening now, better get a move on…"

The noise was deafening. It reverberated through his body, rattling his plating, rendering it impossible to think. Luckily, he wasn’t thinking at all. The witness room had erupted in celebration, as if they had reached the end of a countdown to a new cycle. The sound was a muffled roar in his audio receptors, with a piercing ring cutting through his helm. He swore he could hear the chanting and hollering all the way planet-side. Minimus made not a sound. The only thing he could do was stare.

And he continued to stare long after Megatron’s spark went out. He watched as the monitors flatlined, and the little color that marked his frame bled away to a cold grey, duller than living sentio metallico. Despite everything, it was a peaceful way to go. Megatron looked peaceful. Like in recharge. The little medibot from before had returned, removing cables and confirming the time of death for the historical records. He appreciated that it was her; no one else seemed to have an ounce of respect. The sound never died down.

Minimus was broken from his trance as movement from the corner of the execution chamber caught his attention. Prowl stepped into clear view, also staring at Megatron’s cold frame. He was smiling, clapping even, though it seemed hollow. Forced. Minimus knew the only satisfaction Prowl could get would be slitting Megatron’s throat cablings. It brought an ounce of joy to the minibot knowing the rogue enforcer had lost that opportunity.

Prowl turned his helm, staring directly at Minimus and clapping harder. It made his optics harden and cool into something deadly. Despair spiraled into an unprofessional rage as his grip tightened on the window sill. Prowl approached the viewing screen, clapping in a taunting rhythm now, almost in beat with the cheering of the room. The enforcer made it to the glass, bending down to meet Minimus at face level, his clap slowing to a halt as his smile faded into a crooked grin.

"The bells aren't ringing in Tarn, I hear," Prowl teased through the glass.

Minimus reared on his peds, fist raising hard and fast with a shout and bared dentae, rage exploding from his core, restraint weakened from grief. He plowed his bunched servo into the screen of the viewing window with a resounding crack, disrupting the room amidst the festivity as the force fields recalibrated with a hum. Witnesses and aliens stared at Minimus in silent, baffled confusion, but he remained focused on Prowl, his optics burning with fury.

His hit left no trace on the screen, designed to withstand even phase sixers' violence. All it accomplished was drawing attention to himself, exactly what Prowl had wanted. Minimus vented hard, fist still resting on the screen as he glared at Prowl's smiling face—a coward.

"I suggest you run and hide there," Prowl threatened before pressing a button, causing the viewing screen to fade to opaque orange, the Autobot insignia spinning in the middle.

Taking a slow step back, Minimus tried to control his vents, his rage simmering beneath the surface. His tunnel vision faded enough to notice the room's eerie quietness, and he touched his olfactory sensor, feeling it bleed again. Embarrassment washed over him as he realized the room's attention was fixated on him. A comm pinged urgently, a notification from Ratchet indicating things were going poorly on the surface. He was needed elsewhere now. Glancing back at Megatron's frame before remembering he was alone, Minimus raised a servo to his forehead, ducking his helm low as he made a speedy breakaway to the door.

"If you would excuse me," he chimed quickly as he left, the party continuing without interruption.

He sprinted down the corridor of the gallows, noticing the distinct lack of bots and guards. Good for them, it made disappearing easier. He needed to get off this prison, away from these cruel bastards. His friends needed him, and he needed them more than ever. He had no intention of returning to the hab suite, Magnus's armor be damned. However, as he approached the corridor, he saw a bot standing outside his assigned unit's door—waiting. It was a small bot, the medibot attending to Megatron personally in the execution chamber. What was she doing out here? A violation, but Minimus couldn't bring himself to care.

"Excuse me! Sir!" She threw her arms up, not in authority, but in a plea for attention, holding a shining object in one servo. "I know this is inappropriate, but please wait."

Minimus halted, arms raised slightly in a defensive posture. Unsure who to trust, he observed the medibot's flustered state, mirroring his own. She extended the object—a Rodimus star, weathered and battered, but unmistakably Megatron's.

“He waited…I noticed you…He-“ She stumbled over words, undecided on how to explain. “I found it in his Sub-space. He murmured about getting it to his captain…you look like you know”.

Minimus's defensive stance softened as he stepped forward to accept it, understanding the risk she took to give it to him. It was the only physical object of Megatron’s left. Illegal to have, but sentimental none the lest. Rodimus would be greatly appreciative of the gesture.

"Thank—" Minimus began, but she hushed and hurried past him, helm low and disappearing down the corridor as if nothing had happened. He understood, clutching the badge tightly to his chest before subs-pacing it before transforming to vehicle mode. It hurt with his dented plating and bruised internals, but he needed off this hellscape now. He needed to get back down to Cybertron, and back down too Rodimus.

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