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highdramas · 3 years

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steady now | b.b.

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝'𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 | 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader

warnings: language, possible tfatws spoilers, mention of death? sort of? mention of the blip mostly, some angst, references to sexxxx babie

word count: 4.3k wowie

summary: bucky is not the only one with amends to make.

note: here’s another installment in the twalb story <3 again, you don’t have to read these in order, they stand independently, but they do all work together! PLEASE leave feedback/reblog! this is extremely helpful for me writing future parts to know what everyone likes or doesn’t like! i’m extremely proud of this part so i really hope that you all enjoy it as much as i’ve enjoyed writing it <3

enjoy! <3

there was once a time where you loved california.

there was once a time where you had a boyfriend with an easy smile and charming demeanor and a family in ventura. his name was felix, and you always told people that he could make anyone fall in love with him with nothing but that stupid smile of him-- of course, you never said how that upset you. you never said how it hurt when the waitress looked at him with dazzling eyes and how he seemed to relish in the attention.

you never voiced how he seemed to eventually bore of the attention that you gave him. you never voiced the way that you wished he would look at you with those dazzling eyes and give you that breezy laughter and that look that said i have you in the palm of my hand.

he did. he didn’t need to give you that look to know that.

sometimes, you wonder if he felt any sort of relief after the blip. you wonder if when you dusted right before him, if he felt like he won in some sick way. of course, you know that he would never admit that. he would never make that known to anyone. maybe even himself. but subconsciously… you wonder if you were simply an accessory that was worn out of convenience, and if your fading from reality was the biggest convenience at all.

it’s sick. you know it’s sick, and likely not true. but still. you wonder.

when you returned, the first thing that you did when you got your hands on a cell phone was call him. you called him and you cried and you said that you were okay, you were here. you asked him what the hell happened. you asked him if it had really been five years.

you heard a voice in the background. it was feminine, light, airy. the voice of a fairy. you’ll never forget hearing that voice. you learned later that she was his fiance.

you’ll never forget the sort of heartbreak that you felt. it was visceral. the knowing-- the knowing that it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anything that you did. it was merely the absence of you. you still wonder how long he mourned. you wonder how long it took. you saw him only a handful of times after you returned. he had cried, and you had stared, unsure what to say.

how do you apologize for fading from existence?

that was the first time you saw him. the second was worse.

the second, you were angry. you were angry and you lashed out. what was supposed to be an easy dinner turned into an explosion of tears and fury, the words this isn’t fair and what was i supposed to do? wait for you? and so desperately you had wanted to say yes. you wanted to say that you wished he had held out hope, that he stayed up and dreamt of you and that he was devoted.

it was a selfish thought. he had told you politely to not contact him again.

you had learned that he had moved back to ventura with his fairy girlfriend from some casual facebook stalking. they bought a house on the coast. they’re planning a wedding.. she is beautiful, and you noticed something from the pictures you see of them together right away. he looks at her not like he was charming her, but like she was charming him.

that’s what made you realize he was never yours to begin with.

now, you’re in california again. now, bucky sits beside you and he drives and you control the music. now, he looks at you like you have hung the stars in the sky and propped up the moon. and you look at him the same way.

bucky has amends to make, but so do you.

when he reaches over and places his hand on your thigh, you smile. you place your hand over his and you squeeze. you’d insisted that you two rent a convertible, and though he rolled his eyes, he obliged. you drive down the pch and it is april and the sun is warm and inviting but not abrasive. he wears sunglasses and he doesn’t wear the gloves. he wears a short sleeved shirt.

it’s enough to make you smile and lay your hand back against the seat and make you think: everything happened just the way it should.

bucky is here to extend his amends to the chaplin family. well… really, he’s here to set them up with the CIA. they’ve been hydra sympathizers for years.

you, on the other hand, are here to extend amends of your own.

bucky knows. bucky knows and he watched you recall the story with tears blurring your vision. you would hiccup and say, “i’m sorry. i’m not sad over him, not anymore. i’m just sad that i could be forgotten so easily.”

he had held your face in his hands and he swiped at your tears and he said, “you’re impossible to forget.”

at first, when you brought up coming with him, he had been hesitant. his endeavors with the amends and with sam, he tends to like keeping separate. you get it. you know he doesn’t want to put you anywhere near the danger that he encounters, even if that maddens you. but then, your face fell and you held out the wedding invitation that had arrived in your mailbox. “i want to go.”

bucky takes it and he studies it and he clenches his jaw. he looks at you through his lashes. “i’m going with you.”

now, the wedding is in three days. you wonder if he was surprise when you sent in your rsvp marked yes. you were surprised that he invited you at all.

once, you remember him saying to you, “sometimes, you have to extend olive branches. you’re too damn stubborn for your own good.”

this is your olive branch.

bucky squeezes your thigh and his thumb makes small circles and it instills a calm in you that you haven’t felt since you stepped foot on the plane. he glances over at you. “we don’t have to go.” this isn’t the first time that he’s said this. “we can stay in our hotel all week. i’m sure we can find something to do.”

your jaw drops and you look over at him and he has that smug look on his face. it’s been nice, watching him slip into ease with you. “you are such a pig.”

“i’m just saying, we have options.”

you laugh and you swat his hand away. he grins and he places it on the head rest, his fingers idly playing with a few strands of your hair that blow in the wind as he drives. you pull up to the hotel and you check in and bucky carries all of your bags, which you try to object, but he simply does not care. you fall back onto the mattress and he follows suit and he presses his lips to yours, presses them to your pulse point, your jaw. he whispers against your skin that you are beautiful. he whispers against your skin that you’re an angel.

angel. he always calls you that.

hours pass and you spend most of them beneath bucky, breathless. eventually it is the middle of the night and you have done nothing but fuck and you’ll be the first one to admit that they were hours well spent. he’s propped up on an elbow and he looks down at you, dewy and heavy lidded. “why’d you want to come out here? to the wedding?”

you can’t help but laugh. “that’s what you want to talk about right now?”

he blushes, moves to hide his face, but you beam and you place your hand on the side of his face. you push yourself up and sit criss cross, holding the sheet to your body, facing him. he follows suit.

the two of you do this back home. whether you’re sitting on the living room floor or in bed. it’s easier to talk in the dark, bucky once said. you’d never forgotten. so, this became a sort of unspoken ritual. you would sit with your knees brushing and you would talk and you would laugh and you never wanted this to change.

“i guess i don’t know why i wanted to come.” you reach for his hand and he offers it to you. you run your fingers along the golden grooves, and you swear that you see the hairs on his opposite arm begin to stand up. “i didn’t want to be seen as the bitter ex. i hate-- i hate being perceived. you know? like, i can’t control how anyone views me. i can’t control them thinking i’m crazy or irrational. but… they don’t know anything at all.” bucky’s eyes never leave you. “i wanted to come because i feel like i’m ready to face it. the truth of it. i don’t feel fearful of it all. i used to feel so… gross. gross about how i reacted and how i felt. i felt so selfish. but now…” you can’t help but smile a little bit and you touch the place on his chest where his heart lies in his ribcage. “i’m glad for it. all of it. it’s stupid, but… it brought me here.” you lean your palm into his chest just slightly more. he covers your hand with his and he pulls you in, your hand splayed out on him.

bucky is softening before you. so often you are the one who offers an ear and a comforting touch, but he is happy to repay the favor whenever you need it. “you’re too strong all the time.” his words are definitive, with no room for arguing. “you were hurting. you’re allowed to hurt. you didn’t have a choice in missing out on five years while the world went on without you.”

of course, you know he’s right, but it just feels good to hear it. it feels good to hear it from him. “and he was an asshole.” bucky’s jaw sets. “he had five years to mourn you and your relationship. he barely gave you a month. what sort of guy does that? to a girl he loved?” he shakes his head, as if shaking the thought from his person. “if that were me, i would’ve…”

you watch as he trails off. he looks down and away. you gently take his face and move it up, getting him to look at you again. he gives you this smile that is equal parts sorrow and loving, and you wish you could take away all his pain. “i’d mourn you for life. and i… if i got the chance to have you again? i’d--”

“bucky.” you cut him off smoothly and you shake your head. “that won’t happen.”

he smiles. “i know.” he pushes your hair back and his hand rests on the back of your neck. “i just can’t imagine someone having you and not--” he shakes his head. “he’s a fool.”

gently, your hands lay on his knees and you lean forward. “you asked why i wanted to come,” you whisper, your lips nearly touching his. “i wanted to come because i want to thank him.” you press your lips against his, and his hand goes to splay on your back, pulling you in nearer and nearer. “he recommended the apartment building.”

bucky grins and you connect in every possible place. you roll between the sheets once more and eventually, sleep overtakes you.

the days leading up to the wedding pass by in a relative blur. bucky goes to make his amends and though you offer to come, he shakes his head. “i’ll be quick,” is his promise, and he keeps good on it. he’s gone barely two hours.

you spend time on the beach and sight seeing. you don’t know if you’ve ever seen bucky this… relaxed. yes, he’s always slightly more alert than your average citizen, but you will never fault him for that. you go and get ice cream and you sit on a little bench and bucky stares at you. “what?” you asked and you raise your brows. “something on my face?”

“actually, yes.” he reaches out and swipes your bottom lip, coming back with some strawberry ice cream on his thumb. he pops it into his mouth and it makes your heart plummet to your stomach. “yum.”

you all but drag him back to your hotel.

finally, it is the day of the wedding.

bucky has been ready for hours. he likes unbearably handsome-- you’d gone with him to a shop in new york and had helped him pick out some new slacks and a nice fitting shirt. he had chuckled at the way that the pants hit his ankles and said, “it’s definitely not the forties anymore.”

you had picked out a sage green silk dress, and you smooth it out in the mirror, tilting your head to the side as you looked at yourself. bucky approaches you from behind and you’re so stuck in your own head that you hardly notice him until his hands are on you. they go to your shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into tense muscles with his thumbs. “you look beautiful, doll.” he leans forward and he presses a chaste kiss to your shoulder, which makes you smile, because it’s so him. “i wanna kiss you but i don’t want to mess up your makeup.”

“like that’s ever stopped you before.”

“i’m a gentleman.”

a smirk works its way onto your face and some of the nervous, fluttering monarchs in your stomach have begun to dissipate. you turn and he gently holds your face, examining it. he opens his mouth to say something, laughs, and closes it. “i don’t even know how…” he clears his throat. you swear that tears prick at his eyes. “i don’t even know how to say how much… how perfect you are. i’ll never be able to say it properly.”

everything about james buchanan barnes makes you melt, and this is no different. you sigh and you lean your body against his, and he holds you ever close. “thank you for coming with me,” you whisper into the skin of his neck. “i needed you here.”

he holds the back of your head carefully. “i’d follow you anywhere, doll.” he pulls back and his hand holds your face, and the vibranium is like a kiss to your cheek. “may i kiss you?”

your lips part and you nod-- and he takes his time kissing you. he kisses you long and tender, making sure that you feel everything. sometimes you think that this is easier than talking for him-- this is the way that he can show you how perfect he finds you. it’s better than any words he could string together.

the ride to the venue is somewhat of a blur. bucky doesn’t take his hand off of you-- it’s constantly holding yours. from the car to the walk inside to taking your seats-- you can feel the eyes that are glued to you, but you can feel bucky’s hand in yours more. you can hear the muffled whispers of gossiping friends and family, but you hear bucky’s murmured complaints louder, and they make you laugh.

felix is at the altar already. he’s talking with a groomsman and he laughs at something and you smile a bit. he looks happy, you think. bucky’s arm is slung across the back of your chair and his fingers trail up and down your shoulder, his eyes fixed on you.

you turn to look at him, too. you lay your hand on his knee and your smile says your thanks over and over and over again. bucky’s eyes flick to the altar, and he sees that you’ve finally been noticed. felix may be looking at you, but you will never know. you are looking at bucky.

the ceremony is pretty. bucky’s bored, you think-- that thought is enough to make you chuckle. felix’s fairy girlfriend is exactly what you gathered from the pictures-- she is energetic and kind, she is sweet and beautiful. the more you think, the more you watch the way that felix looks at her, the lighter you feel.

a part of you had feared that you would never get over him. that you would never get over the what if. possibilities tended to haunt you, but now, being here… you had known for a long time that not only had you gotten over him, you had found something so much better than what you had. but it’s the thought that thrums through you that you were not expecting.

you can see this for yourself. one day. bucky at an altar in a suit, you in white.

you smile to yourself in your seat. bucky looks over at you. you look over at him, just for a moment. your heart feels full.

felix begins his vows. “carly,” he begins and he clears his throat. you can tell that he’s already getting emotional. “never did i once expect to find you. never did i expect to find someone who fit with me so… completely.” you watch as his hands shake as he holds the piece of paper. “but i did. and i’m so lucky it was you.”

his vows go on, and they are beautiful. through it all, you can sense bucky beside you, entirely attentive to you.

the reception is on the beach. the sun is setting, and it is stunning. the food is good and every gives speeches and toasts and you’ve been placed at a table with some friends that both you and felix had known. of course, when shit hit the fan with you and felix, you hadn’t exactly kept in touch, but they’re kind nevertheless. some recognize bucky, and the questions they ask make you cringe. “so… winter soldier,” one of them, kya, begins. “you actually did all of that bad shit?”

it takes everything in you not to lunge across the table. bucky’s hand finds your leg underneath the table, already knowing what you’d like to do. you open your mouth to interject, but bucky cuts you off. “hydra did.” he gives a clipped smile. it leaves no room for discussion.

they ask about the avengers and about thanos, and all of it makes you roll your eyes. they talk to bucky as if he’s a toy rather than a human being. as everyone is mingling, you see the couple beginning to approach your table. everyone cheers and scoops them up into hugs. it makes a part of you sad. not because of him, but because it’s another reminder of how life went on without you.

you and bucky stand and approach them. you can almost feel bucky’s hesitation as he sizes up felix. the protectiveness in his stance makes your heart swell. carly smiles at you, but you can tell that there’s a hint of nervousness in her demeanor. “hi!” she says and she looks between you and bucky. “we were both so happy when we got your rsvp. a little surprised, but…”

your eyebrow raises and you look at them. “i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” you place your hand on bucky’s arm. “felix, carly, this is my boyfriend, james. james, felix and carly.”

he shakes their hands and you note the way their eyes flick to the metal one on the other side. bucky and carly begin to make awkward small talk, and you look at felix. he looks at you. there’s something knowing in the stare. “want to take a walk?” he asks, nodding towards the beach.

you nod. felix turns to carly and you turn to bucky, who has a slightly concerned look written on his face. “it’ll be fine.” you lean in and you kiss him, wanting to take any insecurity from him. “play nice, but not too nice. if they say anything stupid, call them on it.”

bucky smirks. “you got it, doll.” he looks to felix and nods to him, and there’s something in bucky’s eyes that must scare him, because you swear felix pales slightly. and then you and felix set off.

for the first part of your walk, both of you are quiet. it’s as if both of you knew that this was inevitable, and now you’re just trying to figure out where to start. both of you begin to talk at the same time, and it causes awkward chuckles to fill the air between you. you stop by a log and you sit, staring out at the ocean. you cross your legs and you look over at him to find his gaze still on the ocean. finally, it moves to you. “i’m sorry.” you both say it at the same time.

a sad smile settles onto your face and you look away. “you first,” he says.”

“i’m sorry.” you look at him again. “i’m not sorry for the way that i felt. i’m not sorry for hurting. but i am sorry that i lashed out. i was… angry.” you suck in a breath. “people who stayed… they’ll always carry the grief and the trauma of those five years. but the people who came back? we came back to a world that had moved on. i can’t… i can’t explain to you how hard that was. it wasn’t just you. i lost everything.” you shake your head. “i took it all out on you. all that hurt. and i’m sorry for that.”

felix nods his head. “i’m sorry that i wasn’t more understanding of what you were going through. that i just… cut you off.” he swallows. “i had five years to come to terms with the fact that you weren’t coming back. even when you were back, it almost felt… fake. like i was looking at a ghost.” he swallows. “but i missed you. i want you to know that i missed you, and i thought about you.”

a small smile works onto your face. “thanks.” you look towards the crowd, where people are laughing and dancing. “she seems great.”

felix looks over his shoulder. “she is. she keeps me… in check. i can be kind of an asshole. i don’t know how either of you dealt with me.” this makes you laugh and roll your eyes. “you and bucky barnes, huh?”

“i have you to thank for that.” he looks at you in confusion. “the building you recommended me? we were neighbors.” you smile, thinking back on the memory of bucky barnes at your door, asking if you needed help building your cat tower. “he is the best thing that has happened to me,” you say it with no hint of hesitation.

felix smiles. “he looks like he’s crazy about you. he barely looks anywhere else.”

you bite down on your lip. “yeah, i’ve heard that before.” the wind ruffles your hair slightly, and you look at felix and he looks at you. “i’ve spent a lot of time being angry at you. i don’t want to be angry anymore.”

he shakes his head. “i don’t want to either.” he pauses. “maybe… maybe, one day, the four of us could… you know, get dinner or something.”

“yeah,” you nod your head. “one day.” you stand, and he follows suit, and you look up at him. “thank you. for inviting me.”

“thank you for coming.”

there’s a level of awkwardness that rests between you, and you think that perhaps it’s inevitable. but also, you can’t help the sense of relief.

part of you thinks that he’s itching to hug you, and you may be extending some forgiveness tonight, but you’re certainly not there yet. you begin to walk towards the party. “c’mon. you need to go to your bride.”

when you return, you think bucky might be ready to drive his steak knife through his eye. you approach him from behind, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and bending so that your face is beside his. “miss me?”

he snorts. “you have no idea, doll.”

you watch as felix makes his way to carly, and you meet his eye. he gives you a slight nod and a knowing smile, and you return it.

there’s a weight that’s lifted off of your chest.

“c’mon,” you say to bucky, tugging him up. “we’re going to dance.”

he groans and you laugh, pulling him by the hands to the dance floor. just as you are, you make me feel so young begins to play around you. as you step onto the dance floor, you begin singing the words quietly to him. your dancing slows to a light sway, and in your ear, bucky begins murmuring the words to you.

your eyes flutter shut and a sweeping calm comes over you. “you know… i never thought i would get married. did you?”

bucky’s hands have a firm place on your waist. “i grew up in the forties. of course i thought i was going to get married,” you two spin slightly. “but, after everything… i didn’t think that was ever going to be in the cards for me.”

your breath catches. “and now?”

“now?” bucky asks into your ear. “i can only dream i get lucky enough to have you as my bride.”

your cheeks grow warm. “mrs. barnes…” you lean back to look at him. “has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

the look on bucky’s face, you don’t know if you’ve ever seen that look before. “yes.” his voice is so firm it nearly brings you to your knees. “yes, it does.”

you two slow to a halt and bucky tilts your chin up. “guess i have some work to do,” his lips ghost over yours. “mrs. barnes.”

the world around you stops, and in that moment, it is only you and bucky. it is you and bucky at your ex’s wedding, and there is nowhere else you would want to be.

you’re beginning to understand why bucky likes making amends.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes series #the world's a little blurry

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youandtom · 3 years

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Indebted - Epilogue

Peter Parker X Reader

PART 2 OF INDEBTED

Summary: What has become of Peter since that one and only night you spent with him?

Warnings: none, just a smidge of angst and fluff :))))

w/c: 3.1K

a/n: see I told you I would bring it out this week :) This went one of two ways but I went with my gut and i hope it's everything you guys were hoping for. And requests, yes, I see you, I am working on you.

☆MASTERLIST☆

It wasn’t hard; your decision to leave. Queens was unequivocally toxic and insufferable, and it was clear enough to see that you didn’t belong there. You were made to always feel like an outsider; dissonant and incompatible because that’s what Queens forced you to be. It wasn't long for you to become that self-fulfilling prophecy, so as soon as you received your qualification from college, saved up enough money and found the determination, you left it all behind. You were in search for somewhere that could alleviate the pain of your past and ironically, you found settlement in New Haven, Connecticut. It just fitted you perfectly. Granted it wasn’t far, but it was enough to escape the troubles of New York City and the relief you felt was immeasurable. You finally found a home to call your own.

Despite having moved away, you were still in regular contact with Hannah and Sophia, your phone never short of a notification from the group chat you made. You appreciated that they never forgot about you as they maintained a certain obligation to keep you up to date with the latest occurrences in Queens. However, unlike what you were expecting, the news deflated over the years. Reports were coming in less consistently and any that you had seen failed to uphold the dangerous reputation you knew Queens had. According to the girls, the city was unrecognisable after its complete overhaul: walls scrubbed of its subversive graffiti depictions of social and political commentary, and preventative measures had been put in place almost everywhere to stop illegal action. Amazingly, it worked. Because of it all crime was on the mend and five years after you moved, Queens had finally healed.

Just because it had healed doesn’t mean there wasn’t a scar left behind. Although small in number, there are people who remember, and there are certainly people who will never forget its sins.

Peter was always in your mind whether it was a small minding during a minute of your day or somewhere in the corner of your dreams. Sometimes you don’t even realise it, but in your most guarded moments you found yourself tracing over the parts of you that held memory of his imprints. You did it so often and so subconsciously, you didn’t even bother trying to stop yourself. It’s not that you minded having him on your mind, you viewed it more as a souvenir; something he left behind for you to remember. But years of built up thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings without a vessel to express them builds up this frustration. You had no one to confide in. You couldn’t tell anyone which meant that no one could empathise with you. It was confining knowing that the only person who could help you was nowhere to be found. You were a balloon waiting to burst.

You just hoped that Peter thought about you as much as you thought about him.

There was something refreshing about the girls inviting you to a dinner date back in Queens, and surprisingly, despite all of the deep-rooted grudges you held against the place, it wasn’t as daunting as you thought. When the idea was suggested, it was only then you realised that you actually needed a good girl-to-girl-to-girl night out, a distraction to put your mind on something else other than your usual hurricane of a mind. For the first time in five years, you immersed yourself in the streets of Queens once again.

~~~~

On a peaceful Friday night, you sit with your friends in the warm streets, basking in the peaceful twilight of the falling sun. The heat has brought everyone out. Like you, many people have been lucky enough to bag a table in the shade of the restaurant’s outside area where those a little less fortunate simply sit on the kerb, satisfied with an ice cream and their own company. As ever it’s bustling, people walk, talk, exercise, commute, eat, busk; it’s never quiet but it’s calm. The ever-present ambience enveloping you once more.

Without realising, you naturally fall into the habit of people watching, quickly distracting you from whatever Sophia and Hannah are gabbing about; it’s something along the lines of how glad they are to see you again after five years but yet reprimanding you for not seeing them sooner in the same breath. You can’t blame them though. New Haven’s been able to grant you things that Queens never could and the longer you stayed away, the harder it was to return. Well, at least that’s what you told Sophia and Hannah. The truth remains a little more personal, rooted somewhere a little closer to your heart.

Idly gazing, your eyes set sight on a bar across the street; lit up with fire lamps and fairy lights, painted green with its botanical displays crawling across the walls with soothing, ambient music playing through the speakers. The outside area is littered with glass tables and tightly-packed cushioned wicker chairs seating groups of friends indulging in each others presence. It’s the embodiment of comfort and you’re slightly jealous that your friends didn’t reserve a table there instead of here. You shift a little in the plastic chair you sit on.

You brush over the scene, counting bodies and examining faces and for a second, you almost miss it. You almost miss the sight of the man sitting in the corner, and you almost miss the compulsion to look again, but you’re quick to recover. Even less so when you’re trying to fully understand what you’re seeing.

When you see him; tucked in the back corner at the table with three others surrounding him, there’s a quick breath. Eyes unblinking, you can’t help but watch while he remains blissfully unaware, heavily invested in the conversation at hand, animated in his mannerisms and speaking words with a huge smile gracing his face. The curls atop his head sway as he moves and like always that one, stubborn curl rebels against the rest, sitting handsomely on his forehead. Clad in a white t-shirt and a flannel to layer, you have to hold your fingers to your lips to suppress the very audible gasp waiting in your throat. Even in your shock, you give a small laugh thinking how typical it is to see him hiding in the corner. Albeit, he’s no longer in the shadows and the sun shines upon his golden skin all the same.

Sitting just right across the street is the Peter Parker you remember.

When a friend tells a joke, he graciously throws his head back in laughter. When someone says something endearing, he rests a supportive hand on their shoulder. When the group take shots, his facial expressions twist at the bitter liquid, but eventually braves the taste and grins. When the waitress accidentally bumps into him, he offers a hand to the small of her back and apologises. It seems so uncharacteristically characteristic: far from the Peter you met that night but so reminiscent of that hero persona that he wore so well. You realise as you observe Peter from afar that a heavy lump in your throat has appeared and there’s nothing you can do to stop your quivering bottom lip; not because you’re upset, but because you are just so glad, overwhelmed with relief to see that Peter is finally living the life he deserves. There, surrounded by friends, Peter’s learned to forgive.

This was all you wanted for him. And he’s happy.

All of the memories from that night arise and you find yourself being enraptured by them - persuading you to take out the little, sentimental note he left behind that you decided to store behind your phone case; somewhere that in a time of need, you would always have it close to you, wherever you were. A memorandum of his last promise, the words written in ink still as black as the day he wrote them. You are never without it.

The moment is quick, but that doesn’t mean to say it’s any less inviting. A piece of insight to Peter’s life was the closure you needed to finally be at peace. Although Peter may have been completely oblivious to your presence, your lips perk in a quick contented smile just for him, internally bidding him the best of wishes before putting your grudges to rest and turning your attention back to your friends.

~~~~

You all round off your night back in the apartment you used to live in, sharing a few more drinks, memories and years worth stories to carry on through the night. As much as you love seeing their laughing faces and hearing their success stories, you know New Haven is waiting for you back home. You seal your goodbyes with a promise that you’ll visit more often and make your way through the night to the bus station.

You’re sure that the cooling air and your lack of a jacket is the blame for the shivers, but really, it’s your brain sending a message. Stumbling so innocently upon the alleyway where Peter first found you, you stop briefly to confirm your surroundings. There was where he stood. Here was where you lay. Here is where you discovered he was still alive. The feeling is all too similar now that you experienced the same realisation again today.

You should've known that being in Queens once again was going to bombard you with pictures of your past in any way it could. If it wasn't for seeing Peter living the life you fought for him earlier, being here in this dim, dark alleyway would have had your heart sinking and a lonely tear rolling down your cheek. You know better now. Head held high, you continue to make your way to the bus station without the painful memory following you.

The bus station is rather quiet at this time of night. With the two and a half hour commute ahead of you, you sit patiently on a bench in the waiting area, a Starbucks takeaway cup losing its heat in the palm of your hand. There’s a lazy draft breezing in around your face bringing an uplifting end to a relaxing day.

Even though your phone is perched directly in front of you, your focus remains elsewhere. Stuck in a trance, the memories of today flash before you and it seems that every time you picture Peter sitting at that bar across the street, a smile finds your lips. It was never likely that you were going to speak to him, because in all honesty, as soon as you saw him there with his new friends, you didn’t want to bother him. It was only right that you kept your distance and leave him be. Besides, it was enough for you just to see Peter where he belonged.

However, you simply cannot deny your feelings. A small but powerful side of you yearned to reach out in that very moment and feel him. Talk to him. Hold him. Embrace him. Let him know that he is always on your mind wherever you go, hoping to hear his voice and tell you he feels the same way. You were desperate for him to fill the gap in you that’s been troubling you for so long. After all, you had wondered for years about where he was and he had all the answers you were searching for, right there, right across the street. The impulse was overwhelming.

But it was a sense of longing you had to fight because you knew Peter would’ve tried so hard to escape the past he was desperate to leave behind, and for as much as it pained you to admit, that included you too. Doing what your emotions were pushing you to do would’ve dragged him back, and so, in the end, you listened to reason and let him be. You forced your heart to embrace the bittersweet feeling, and ultimately it sank.

You know it’s selfish and completely silly, you know. To be this upset over someone you spent a night with years ago, especially when all you can think about is how much you want them to be in your life again. It makes getting on the bus back to New Haven that much harder to do; it didn’t pain you as much five years ago because you had motive. This time, you will be getting on that bus knowing what you’re leaving behind, more exactly who you’re leaving behind. And with that, every mile farther from Queens is less of a chance of seeing him again. It’s a bitter pill you have to swallow. It’s for the better.

The tannoy system alerts you that your coach is now beginning to board, so you absent-mindedly collect your belongings together, binning the coffee and setting off towards your bus stance. You can feel the weight of magnetism underneath your feet as find yourself forcing your way to the bus. Fuck, you really don’t want to leave. Your head lifts just a second later, only to suddenly see someone standing in your path.

Your eyes lock onto the man you saw all but hours ago, directing that same affectionate smile to you. With a hood pulled over his head and his hands buried deep into his pockets, his steps are slow and calculated, certain of his motives. Unlike his, your feet immediately freeze so he takes it upon himself to approach you, his eyes softening the closer he gets. An immense sense of yearning and a slight trepidation run through your veins and your mind swims through words, not finding the right word to define how stunned you are by his sudden appearance. You swallow nervously, eyes raising to meet his as he stands inches in front of you.

“Hello, little one.” The little nickname evokes a familiar wash of shivers and causes your heart to skip a beat.

“Peter,” you whisper, disbelief rendering you motionless. Peter takes that final step and closes the distance between you, whipping his arms around you and squeezing out a gasp as he lifts you into the air. Instantly his scent seeps into your nose and the chase of your longing returns, burying yourself deeper into the crook of his neck. He still feels like he did that night; warm, sturdy and secure. A home away from home.

Your mind buffers for words. Five years and you can’t think of a single thing to say! “I…I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I wasn’t going to let you leave just like that without saying goodbye. You’ve barely said hello.” The chuckle swims through your ear and your stomach flutters. It doesn’t help either that his fingers rub slow and soothing circles through the locks of your hair.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Do you think I didn’t notice you staring at me from across the street?” He squeezes, a soft punishment for asking such a question. “You’re my sixth sense, little one, I always know when you’re around.”

Peter eventually settles you down onto your feet and you’ve never understood letting go of someone to be so difficult. His warm hands don’t stray far as they cradle your face like you are a pipe dream, thumbs already catching the little lonely tear at the corner of your eye. Those chocolate eyes roam your face, dancing over the freckles across your nose while a contented sigh heaves through his. He’s finally found you again. The person he’s forever indebted to.

“You’ve got to stop disappointing me every time we meet, sweetheart. Why didn’t you come and say something? What stopped you?” He asks, a touch of sadness cracking his voice. A finger dances across your strained forehead, sweeping away a strand of hair.

“I didn’t want to bother you. You just looked so happy there with your friends so I didn’t want to intrude. I…I wasn’t sure if you even wanted to see me.” It’s an honest answer, but you can tell it isn’t to his liking: his eyebrows knit together and he stares at you through half-hooded lids. You don’t quite know what his intentions are when his hands slide down towards yours, grabbing your phone from your grip and unravelling it from its case and it’s only then do you know exactly what he’s looking for. But why?

“What does this say?”

“I owe you-”

“I. Owe. You.” He reiterates, cutting you off. “Meaning that I am indebted to you, meaning that I owe you everything, meaning that I am willing to give you everything because you deserve it. And I owe it to you because I was a fucking monster and you didn’t deserve that."

"So what part of me leaving you this note tells you that I wouldn’t want to see you again? Do I need to explain to you that this…” He kisses you on the forehead, held between his hands. “Means that I am head over heels for you? Do I need to explain that this…” He kisses your cheek. “Means that I care about you? Do I need to explain that this…” He kisses your lips, passionately moulding them with his own and ever so quietly humming as he tastes his ecstasy again. “Means that I have fallen in love with you? Because, baby, I can explain to you all night long. All I ask is that you don’t get on that bus. At least not for tonight." Peter looks to you solemnly and you can truly see the change in him.

"I owe you everything but I wanted to be the right man for you before I set things right. I...I just needed time, little one, that's all." His head ducks a little closer towards yours, eyes determined to meet yours. "Can you give me a chance to give everything you deserve? Please.”

The tannoy sounds a final warning before the bus leaves. You see a slight panic in his eyes when you acknowledge it, peering over to the coach with a queue of people that’s steadily getting smaller. In a fight to convince you to stay, because he can’t imagine another day without you, his fingers squeeze tighter around the hand that bares your ticket back to New Haven. It’s his longing for you that ultimately pushes you to ignore the final warning, because where you need to be is right here.

“Okay.”

Peter doesn’t waste another second to kiss you more fervently than before, taking you firmly into his arms where his hand spans across the width of your back and the other cradles your head, angling your head closer to his. The embrace is time-consuming but in a way that it’s finally the conclusion to so many years of unanswered questions, longing, and finally having that moment that you had only dreamt of. His tongue just teases across your lip and you respond likewise, savouring the teaser for what’s to come. As he pulls away, he can’t help but return with a few lingering pecks.

“Come on, then.” He whispers to your forehead, grabbing your hand and leading you towards the exit of the bus station and into the night.

#peter parker fic #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you #peter parker #peter parker oneshot #peter parker x reader #indebted #epilogue #fluff #peter parker fluff #tom holland #fanfic #far from home #peter parker imagine

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butgilinsky · 3 years

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'cause maybe then you'd want me just as much // np

warning; heavy language, toxy relationships, love triangle to an extent, throwing up, mentions alcohol a lot, mentions of smut but nothing explicit, there's one make out scene in it, angst angst angst this is straight angst, i think that's it?

summary; after your split from Nolan, you can't seem to find a way for both of you to be happy. when you meet his girlfriend for the first time, everyone seems to think you've developed a crush on her. based on the song girl crush by little big town.

word count; 15.6k+

a/n; he baddies, so this is a lot. one thing i wanted to say quickly is that this is mainly a nolan fic, but there are heavy joel x reader themes throughout. a bit of a love triangle but that's not entirely the focus of it. so if you're here for a nolan fic, here ya go. if you're here for a beezer fic, strap in it just takes a bit of time to develop to that point(: enjoy!

add yourself to my nhl taglist!

“You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too.” your eyes instinctively rolled back, the anger burning in your chest only growing at his attempt to confront this situation head on. He had a tendency of doing that, going at something full force with little to no thought of how it’ll actually end up.

“That’s a stupid saying! Why would I want the cake in the first place if I can’t eat it?”

“Can you dissect the english language another time and just listen to me for once?” the scoff that tumbled past your lips was subconscious, something you couldn’t stop yourself from. “All i’m saying is-”

“I get it, Nolan. I won’t give you the satisfaction of claiming me in front of the entire world, and now you’re walking away from me. If you can’t tell everyone that I’m yours then it means I'm not, right?” his shoulders slumped, his chest deflating as your words resonated in his mind.

Truth be told, Nolan didn’t give a shit what other people thought. He didn’t care about other people’s view of him, nor did he care about their validation. All he wanted was to be able to tell his friends where he went after each of his games, who he spent his nights and mornings with. He didn’t want to keep lying about why he bought enough groceries to feed more than one person, or who called him when he was on the road.

He understood at first, why you wanted to keep things to yourself. For a while, he agreed with you. He didn’t want your friends to get in the way either, though the group the two of you were in made that slightly difficult. They thrived off of teasing each other, and the two of you did your fair share of teasing as well. One thing Nolan didn’t want was for his friends to make the two of you feel as if this was all a mistake. He didn’t want you to have to face any scrutiny from the team or anyone else, so the two of you agreed to keep things just between the two of you.

That all turned to shit around six months in, when Nolan stopped getting excited about slipping out of his apartment unseen or arriving at the rink just in time for him to duck underneath Claude’s radar. The secrecy wasn’t fun anymore. He didn’t need a label, didn’t need you to commit to an entire life with him, but he wanted to be able to show up to functions with you under his arm. He wanted to see you wearing your Patrick jersey outside of your apartment.

He wanted you to be his girlfriend, and he wanted everyone to know about it.

Nolan knew there were things that had happened to you in the past that made you hesitant to climb aboard. He tried to be patient, tried to give you the time and space you needed to get you to where he stood. But months passed and you never got there, and he was starting to lose faith that you’d ever get there. He was starting to think he was waiting for something that was never going to come.

“I’m not sneaking around anymore. You can decide what that means, but I refuse to have these secret rendezvous where I can’t even tell people where I’m going. We don’t have to put a label on it, I’ll wait an entire lifetime if I have to for that, but I’m sick of the lying and scheming and secrecy.” he didn’t know what was more important to you at this point; being with him or making sure you kept all of your walls up. He did know what his priorities were, where he stood on the subject matter, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Now it was up to you to decide where the two of you lie.

“So what’s it going to be y/n?”

The last time you had gone through a break up, it had hurt a lot less than this. The weeks following the split between you and Nolan had been harder than any breakup in the past. Maybe the thing that was making all of it worse was the fact that you were suffering in silence. Nobody knew about you and Nolan in the first place, so nobody knew about the breakup that wasn’t actually a breakup.

You didn’t see him for two weeks after he’d walked out of your apartment. You couldn’t bring yourself to go to his games, and you denied all of the team’s invitations to go out with them. Even when Joel and Travis showed up to your apartment with several bags of take out food and tried their best to pick your brain about what had been going on with you, you fabricated a story about how school and work were mixing together in an unappetizing way.

It was easy for the most part, to blame your mood on schoolwork. Most of the flyers had no idea how stressful college could be, given that even the ones that were in your age range had never gone to college. Apart from a few of them like Joel, who had spent a year in college before being drafted, they assumed that school was everything you said it was. So any time they invited you out and tried to tell you that you couldn’t come up with any more excuses, a simple lie about a project being due soon would fend them off for a few days before repeating the process.

You finally agreed to go to a game when Joel needed a last minute ride to the rink, which ended in him convincing you that since you were already there, you could stick around for the game. You were sure that he had planned it all out, no doubt with the help of a few of the guys in order to be convincing enough, but it worked. It got you in the seats where most of them stopped by to wave at you during warm ups.

The smile that crept onto your lips when Nolan scored was subconscious. You couldn’t help but smile and clap for him, a warm familiarity swimming in your chest. Normally you’d meet him at your apartment afterwards, sharing toothy smiles and sensual kisses that never failed to turn into more. Your bed was familiar with Nolan, claiming half of itself to be side and clearing out a space on your nightstand for his phone and water bottle.

But you couldn’t do that anymore, Nolan wasn’t yours to take home anymore. While the realization was tough to bear, you simply wiped the smile off of your face and barred a neutral expression for the remainder of the game. You clamped your lips shut in a tight line and kept your deafening thoughts to yourself.

Your life had made room for him, a space for him to slide in without much effort at all. Your routine molded itself around Nolan being there in the mornings and nights. It started as little things like buying a second phone charger to plug in on his side of the bed. Then it turned to buying double the amount of groceries and recording his favorite shows on tv. Then he had a toothbrush next to yours on the bathroom counter and a bottle of body wash next to your shampoo in the shower. They were little changes here and there that somehow made it feel like Nolan practically lived there.

Even if the words were never said out loud, you and Nolan had broken up. It was hard to wrap your head around, how you could break up with someone without even realizing that you were dating in the first place. It shouldn’t have been so detrimental to lose him, to not have his hips snapping into yours or wake up to him brewing coffee in your kitchen. It was never supposed to get this far, was never supposed to be a tale of two friends that pined for each other enough to cause these waves. It was what you had done your best to avoid over its entirety, but you failed.

And now you had to pretend as if none of it had ever happened.

“Get out of the car, y/n.” you rolled your eyes at Joel’s attempt to sound stern with you, given the look he was sending you through the door frame. His eyebrows were raised and his hands sat on his hips, as if he was your angry mother that was dragging you to soccer practice on a sunday morning. “You have five seconds or I'm carrying you inside.”

“Jesus, Joel I just dropped my chapstick, chill the fuck out.” he rolled his eyes but smiled when you began climbing out of the car.

It was almost painful to convince you to come to Claude and Ryanne’s cookout, an event you normally wouldn’t miss for the world. If this were three months ago, you would’ve been happy to oblige. You’d steal glances across the yard at the boy who was more often than not already looking at you. Maybe you’d meet up in one of the empty rooms far enough from everyone else that they wouldn’t hear you sharing affirmations or other things not appropriate for a family friendly cookout with practically everyone you knew in Philly.

But you knew when you woke up this morning that that wouldn’t happen. You don’t live in the past and you’re no longer able to share stolen glances and smiles with the blue eyed boy who had stolen your heart without you realizing it. Instead you’d be forced to act as if nothing had happened between the two of you. It was easy at games, given that you never truly had to talk to Nolan, but today wouldn’t be that easy. You were certain that at some point you’d have to talk to Nolan in order to eliminate any suspicion about the two of you giving each other the cold shoulder.

You had mentally prepared yourself for the disaster you may or may not encounter, the feelings that were bound to throb in the back of your mind upon seeing the boy with shoulder length hair and a voice that never failed to send a chill down your spine. What you hadn’t been expecting was the petite blonde girl tucked into his side, the one with bright blue eyes and a smile that surely had the entire room smiling right back at her.

The weight of the situation hit you at full force, almost knocking you off of your feet before you even stepped onto the grass in the backyard. You asked yourself if there was any way you could escape, any way you could find a last minute excuse and run out the door before he even saw you but then you remembered that Joel drove you, and there was no way he’d take you back now.

That, and Nolan locked eyes with you before you could form a coherent thought that might have gotten you out of this situation. He looked thrown off, like he hadn’t been expecting you to be here. He looked down at the girl beside him, painfull aware of how this all looked to you and finding a million and one things that he assumed were running through your mind.

“You alright?” your eyes flicked up to meet Joel’s that were flooded with confusion and worry at the sight of you clearly thrown off by something. But then you coughed and shook your head, forced a smile to the surface and told Joel that you were perfectly fine.

You were fine for a while, assuming you could just stay away from them and everything would be okay. If you didn’t have to talk to her, didn’t have to hear about her or anything that had anything to do with her, you’d be fine. You could handle the avoidance of eye contact with Nolan and you could push your feelings below the surface for the time being.

Unfortunately for you, she seemed to be just about the nicest person on the planet and felt the need to introduce herself to everyone in her general vicinity. You were walking back out of the house, your fingers wrapped around the neck of four different bottles before she popped up out of nowhere and offered you a bright smile.

“Hi! You’re y/n right?” you nodded gently, pushing a soft smile to the surface to humor her. “Thought so. Nolan’s told me a lot about you. I’m Mackayla.”

Aside from the fact that she was definitely the last person you wanted to be talking to right now, she was dangerously nice. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t see the appeal. Her long blonde hair was beautiful, and you were sure by the way she was gently gripping onto her cup that she was gentle in all walks of life.

She was nicer than you’d wished she’d be. It’s as if you couldn’t find a flaw about her, other than the boy she chose to latch onto. It’d be easier if he was smiling all the same, if he was looking at her the way he used to look at you, even if nobody noticed. You’d be able to live with it if Nolan looked just as happy with her as he did with you, but he didn’t.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and his hands were always shoved into his pockets or running through his hair. His knuckles went white from his tight grip on his better bottle, and you just knew. You knew that the way he looked at her held little to no weight, not when compared to the way he’d look at you with your head on his chest or his in your lap. If you didn’t know what he looked like at 2 in the morning over a plate of waffles the two of you were sharing. If you hadn’t heard the laugh that bellowed out when you stared at him in disbelief for eating the last bite.

You wondered if she knew that he’d rather waste money on overpriced sushi than order a pizza, if she knew that rubbing his temples and scratching his scalp helped soothe his migraines. Did she know that he’d talk about the things bugging him if you just gave him space for a minute or so and let him collect his thoughts? Did she know that he kept a bottle of ibuprofen in his nightstand and one in the center console of his car?

You doubted she knew these things, because you knew Nolan was oblivious to you knowing these little things. He didn’t know you’d picked up on these small details about him because you didn’t voice them, you didn’t need to. You got his favorite coffee creamer without asking him what flavor he wanted, keeping it in your fridge at all times just in case. You made sure not to steal the black hoodie that always laid over the back of his couch, because you knew it was his favorite and if you had ever taken it he’d lose his mind.

You made sure that Nolan was taken care of, that you never acted out in a way that would negatively affect him. And as much as it hurt to stand in front of his new girl and act as if you didn’t know all of these things about him, you’d do it for him. You swallowed your pride and forced a smile so that nobody picked up on anything for Nolan’s sake.

You were doing an okay job with faking a smile and listening to Mackayla talk about the things she’d done with Nolan over the weekend. You’d learned she was from Georgia, though that much had been obvious from the southern drawl in her voice, and it only led you to wonder how she even met Nolan in the first place. Was she staying at his apartment while she was here? Did she sleep on your side of the bed and eat the granola bars that he always bought for you without a second of hesitation?

You were doing fine, until you noticed Nolan’s eyes glued to you. He was watching you, whether it was out of fear of you falling apart or stepping out of line in front of her, you weren't sure. Maybe he didn’t trust you with the girl he was trying to use to get over you, and maybe he was concerned for your well being, but you had a fairly good guess as to which one it would’ve ended up being.

So with the best excuse you could muster, you politely told Mackayla that you had to deliver the beers slotted between your fingers and ushered her back in Nolan’s direction. He tucked her under his arm just like he had when you first arrived and sent you one last careful glance before turning away from you both figurative and literally.

When you got back to Joel and dished out the beers you promised everyone, you pressed your own against your lips and downed half of the beer in one go before Joel forced you to stop.

“Woah! Try not to drink your weight tonight, yeah?” you rolled your eyes and fought back the groan that threatened to slip when Joel pulled your bottle away from you. “Breathe for a second.”

You tried to ignore Travis and Karly’s concerned looks, confusion setting in for both of them when you offered a smile in place of an explanation. They didn’t question it, knowing better than to dig too far into the reason for your actions. In an attempt to take the focus off of your odd behavior, Travis offered a change of conversation. Though it would’ve been better if he had chosen a topic that didn’t directly relate to your sour mood.

“So Mackayla’s pretty nice.” Karly hummed, eyes locking with yours for just a second. Her motive was innocent, simply offering a skepticism about a new girl being introduced into the mix, something the two of you usually had when any of the guys started dating someone new.

“She’s pretty.” you shrugged gently, attempting to offer an innocent enough addition to the conversation that wouldn’t force you to endure too much more of this conversation.

Joel gasped gently, eyes panning down to you while a smirk creeped up his lips and firmly planted itself on his face. “Do you have the hots for Patty’s girl?”

Your eyes blew wide and while the only thing running through your mind was how wrong Joel is, he mistook your shock for fear of being sniffed out so easily. It didn’t help that Joel had been your wingman on more than one occasion, always doing everything he could to snag you someone worthy of time.

“Bee-”

“You’re so into her!” you groaned at Travis bouncing in excitement, only calming down when his girlfriend dug her elbow into his ribs.

“I do not have a crush on Mackayla.”

“Who said anything about a crush?” Joel’s smile ignited a fire inside of your chest, an aggravation that had you clenching your jaw and rolling your eyes. He sucked his teeth and pressed a hand to his chest, a far off look settling in his expression. “My baby’s growing up.”

“Shut the fuck up, Farabee.”

Unfortunately, you were unable to convince Travis and Joel about your feelings towards the girl, or lack thereof. You couldn’t exactly tell them that you weren’t anything less than envious of her, that you kept looking in her direction because she seemed physically incapable of leaving Nolan’s side. You couldn’t tell them that you were truly looking at Nolan, that all you wanted to do was tell him that everything that’s happened was severely miscalculated on your part.

While Joel and Travis were painful at times, they were your best friends. They were attentive to your feelings more often than not, even if they miscalculated them here and there. Joel slipped you a few more drinks throughout the night and Travis made sure you never had an empty cup in your hand. Karly kept a close eye on you, worried about you quickly tipping over the edge if no one paid attention. She wasn’t convinced by the story of your crush on Mackayla, but she wasn’t sure what was truly bothering you so she did her best to make sure you stayed away from the ledge.

After two cups of the punch that Jake brought you were taking deep breaths in the bathroom, mustering up the courage to go back out and face the music. With every twinge of alcohol that infiltrated your system your shoulders slumped and you forgot about the pain that resonated in the back of your mind. It was easier to not look at Nolan every few seconds when you partially forgot that he was even there.

However, just as you opened the door to step back out into the house, the door was pushed wide open and Nolan stepped into the small space with you before shutting the door behind him. You were caught off guard, not having been this close to him since he walked out three months ago. It was almost nice, you almost let yourself slip a smile but then you were painfully aware of the way his forehead creased in frustration.

He saw your mind go over ninety different thoughts, your face showing off just about every emotion you were feeling when you felt it. It was hard for him to stand his ground, to not reach out to you and press a soft kiss against your forehead at the sight of you stressed out about something. But then he remembered why you were stressed, why he came up here in the first place. He remembered how you told him you couldn’t be with him, how you broke his heart.

“Why are you in here, Pat?�� he flinched at the name, having not heard you call him that since before everything had unfolded between the two of you. You never called him by his last name, nor his hockey nicknames. Not after you’d been trapped between him and his mattress far more times than you could count.

“You talked to Mackayla earlier.” you hummed, rolling your eyes when you realized what was coming.

“So you saw me talking to your girlfriend earlier and now you’re wondering if I told her something she’s not supposed to know. If you’re wondering what we talked about then you can ask her, because I honestly couldn’t remember if my life depended on it. I stopped listening to her after she told me that you’ve told her a lot about me.” despite the way his eyes changed, darkening ever so slightly and pupils dilating, Nolan looked unphased by your confession.

“She’s not my girlfriend-”

“Then what is she? She’s clearly something since she’s here at your captain’s house. She’s visiting from Georgia for fuck’s sake, Pat-”

“So you did pay attention to her.” as fucked as it was, Nolan smirked at the realization that you still cared. Despite everything you told him, every time you said that you needed things to be a secret and that you couldn’t open up that part of you, he was elated to find out that you had a soft spot for him.

“Do you think it’s funny? You think it’s funny to watch me fall apart right in front of you? I’m trying so hard to keep myself together, and then you bring her here and wave her around in my face like you deserve an award for moving on.”

“I had no idea you were coming.” you wanted to laugh, wanted to scream at the top of your lungs that he had to be joking right now. But you didn’t, you held the laugh in the back of your throat and you opted for a vocal level that wouldn’t travel downstairs for everyone else to hear.

“That’s bullshit! I know you’re lying to me because Joel showed me a string of texts from your group chat of everyone saying that they were excited to see me. You know why he showed me that, Pat? Because I needed the motivation to peel myself off of my couch and start hanging out with my friends again. You know, i’m doing everything I can to hold it together but it’s really fucking hard when i can’t even be vocal about the fact that I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“Oh, don’t put that shit on me. You wanted to keep us a secret, so that means your heartbreak is a secret too. What do you want me to do about it? Help you through it? You want me to help you get over me? This is me trying to do that. I’m trying to move on, and you should be trying just as hard.” that almost hurt more than figuring out that he had deep rooted feelings for her. To know that she was your replacement, the one that was meant to help him get over you, that was much worse.

“But that’s the thing, Nolan! I don't want to get over you!”

“Well you have to! It’s too late to make up for all of the shit we’ve already been through. The damage is done, so you need to let me be happy without you.” your heart sank at the revelation, the look of defeat that sat on his face and told you that there was no going back. There was nothing you could do that was going to backtrack from this.

So you reached around him and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it as quickly as you could and slipping out of the bathroom just as quickly as Nolan had slipped in. You ran down the stairs fast enough to miss the sound of him slamming his fist into the countertop, the guttural groan that left him as he broke down in the room you left him in.

The good thing about the alcohol induced daze you were in was that your tears could’ve been due to anything. They could’ve been from someone taking your white claw away, and while you were sure you could find an excuse for crying, you knew that you wouldn’t need to when you saw Joel’s face.

“Can we go?” he nodded without a single question, promising you that it had been well over two hours since he had had a single sip of beer. He turned to Phil and told him to tell everyone they left but to leave out the part about you standing in front of them with wet cheeks and red eyes.

He didn’t ask you what was wrong, didn’t ask you to fess up to your crying fest in the car. He simply drove around the city until you had let out every tear and choked sob you could manage. He knew that part of it was spurred on by your blood alcohol level, surel exceeding the limit to drive, but he knew there was something you weren’t saying.

While not many people other than the people in Joel’s close vicinity had seen you crying just before your disappearance, a few did. And while nobody knew what it could have possibly been caused by, Karly watched Nolan descend down the stairs a few minutes after you had with an expression much different than the one he wore when he went upstairs. His cheeks were red and blown out, a dead give away for him being angry. It didn’t take her long to put the pieces together, to realize that you weren’t looking at Mackayla all night but rather the boy who had an arm draped around her shoulder.

You hoped that maybe you’d never have to see Mackayla after that, that she’d return to whatever town in Georgia she came from and stay there. Maybe even if she was around, you wouldn’t have to be around her. If Joel and Travis wanted to believe that it was from your attraction to her then so be it, just as long as you didn’t have to witness Nolan giving someone else the affection you craved from him.

But time passed and Mackayla stuck around. She stuck around for a few more months, visiting Nolan far more often than you would have cared for. She was around more than you wished she’d be. She was nice enough for everyone to like her, though it was kept at a surface level. Joel still picked your brain about your supposed crush on her, dropping hints in various conversations about it.

“So I was talking to Mack the other day-”

“Who the fuck is Mack?” it was a reflex, popping your head around the corner and shooting Joel a confused look across the room. He was leaning back on your couch, waiting for you to come back with the popcorn that was currently popping in the microwave.

“Mackayla…” Joel’s voice trailed off as he turned over his shoulder, his smirk all too irritating for you to not roll your eyes.

“What, the two of you are best friends now?” if Joel didn’t know you so well, he’d think you were jealous. He did, to an extent, think that you were jealous of him for being close to Mackayla, which was somewhat amusing for you.

“Chill, y/n/n. I’m not going to steal her away from you. She’s all yours, after she’s Patty’s.” it was meant to be playful, meant to bring a soft laugh out of you. Joel had no idea that he was just digging the dagger further into your heart, twisting it violently at the mention of Nolan and his girlfriend that seemed to be here to stay for much longer than you originally expected.

She showed up at games that you quickly regretted attending, wearing a jersey that you recognized all too well, having a few matching ones lining the back of your closet. You played nice though, letting her ask questions about you and answering them with the best answer you could offer at the time. You even went to grab drinks with her during the second intermission.

It was almost laughable, how oblivious she was. She was nice and in any other scenario where she wasn’t dating the boy you were hopelessly in love with, you probably would have liked her. There was nothing wrong with her other than her love interest, and the fact that she was oblivious to everything around her. You thought it was innocent at first, maybe even cute, but then she offered you a bright smile after you had calmed down from celebrating Joel’s second goal of the night and told you that the two of you would be a cute couple. Not only did it make you laugh, but the way she wiggled her eyebrows and told you that she could help you make that happen made you sigh in realization that she truly had no idea what mess she had walked into.

You hadn’t realized that Karly had caught onto your distaste for her until you announced that you had to run to the bathroom and Karly jumped up before Mackayla could even think about it and hooked her arms in yours. You sent her a puzzled look laced with a soft smile until she raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips in a way that told you exactly why she volunteered to go with you.

She let you break down in the bathroom, confessing that the mere sight of her made you nauseous. You told her about the history between you and Nolan, the way that you fell in love with him without even knowing it. You told her how you messed it up, how you did something that he couldn’t forgive you for and before you were able to tell her that you didn’t know how you would fix any of it, she told you that there was no way in hell that this was irreversible.

She’d seen the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you and the way he looked at her. In her mind, the choice was clear. Mackayla was no match for you, not even close. She didn’t bring any of the things to the table that you could, despite her being a good person. She wasn’t a bad person, but you were made for Nolan. Even Karly could figure that one out.

So you let her drag you to a bar with the team afterwards. You let her ring up a tab for the two of you and slip you drinks throughout the night without thinking much of it. Sure, Mackayla and Nolan weren’t very far away, but you knew you wouldn’t have to watch them do much more than things you’d already seen. You knew they wouldn’t dance, since Nolan would’ve preferred to drink everything behind the bar than dance in public.

It made you think about the times he danced with you in the kitchen at 3 am when soft music was pouring out of his phone and encapsulating the two of you in your own bubble. Neither of you were ever fully dressed, wearing things that you picked up off of the floor before cooking an entire meal in the middle of the night. Those nights were your favorite, when he did things that only you had the pleasure of experiencing.

It made a familiar feeling stir in your stomach, one that had you pressing the back of your hand to your mouth as you rushed towards the bathroom, passing the line that formed against one of the walls. Karly apologized to everyone who you had unintentionally skipped, though they all waved her off and claimed that you clearly needed it more than they did.

You were relieved when you got inside, able to breathe while also getting the nausea out of your system. Karly stood guard, only opening the door to yell at someone that had been knocking for the past three minutes.

“It’s fucking occupied- Patty?”

“Move.” you coughed at the sound of his voice, your throat constricting in a way that was involuntary. “Karly, seriously-”

“Nolan that’s not a good idea-”

“I can get her to stop.” Karly’s words paused in her throat, uncertainty flowing through her but when she heard you dry heave for the third time, she stepped aside and let Nolan come inside.

He gently pulled your hair out of your hands and grabbed the hair tie around your wrist, throwing your hair into the quickest ponytail he could in order to get it out of your face. His hands fell to your sides, slipping under your shirt without much effort at all and providing your skin with a newfound warmth.

He’d done this before, that much was obvious to Karly with the way you easily melted into his touch. He wasn’t doing much more than Karly could do but she knew that it was the feeling of his hands that grounded you, rather than physical touch in the general sense. If it wasn’t Nolan it wouldn’t have worked, and that gave Karly everything she needed to know about how you felt about her boyfriend’s best friend.

“You’re okay.” he whispered softly, letting you fall back against his chest and curl up into a ball on the floor of a dirty bar bathroom. He rocked you gently, almost unintentionally, while he kissed the back of your head gently. “You’re okay.” he repeated, feeling you relax into his hold afterwards.

Karly was stunned to say the least. She had never seen you react like that to anybody, let alone when they were that close to you. She was used to seeing you shove Joel or Travis away from you when they tried to baby you, claiming that you could hold your own and didn’t need them to help you through things. But here you were, melting into Nolan’s hold without a second thought.

“Thank you.” you whispered gently, despite the fact that Nolan was inherently the reason you were in this position. He didn’t know that, assuming your physical reaction to be from the alcohol you had consumed.

“I’m going to go get you some water.” Karly whispered softly before slipping out of the room, but not leaving until she threatened anyone else that tried to usher you out of the bathroom.

“You didn’t have to do that you know?” it was soft and broke through a thick silence after Karly had left, but it was enough for Nolan.

“I know I didn’t, but I care about you and I know that Karly’s clueless when it comes to things like that.” you laughed, one that came out more bitter than you had originally intended it to. Nolan’s ears perked up, his face twisting in confusion. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just holding me in a bathroom right now while your girlfriend is waiting for you to return.” Nolan groaned, annoyed that you had to ruin a good moment by mentioning Mackayla. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but he wished that just once he could have a conversation without you mentioning her.

“Alright well if you want me to leave, I can.” he stood up, brushing off his jeans and turning towards the door before you were on your feet and pulling away from it.

“Do you love her?” his brow furrowed, confusion written into his features as he tried to figure out why you would ask him such a thing. His silence gave you hope, made you believe that there was a possibility that maybe he didn’t love her.

“Why would you-”

“Do you still love me?” it hit him like a thousand bricks, like he had walked straight into a wall and knocked himself out. He’d never told you that he loved you, despite the fact that he definitely did. You had never told each other that you felt that way, though now you think maybe that would have changed things between the two of you. “I only ask because-”

“Just, don’t. Don’t this to me, y/n. I can’t handle this again.” you wondered if the sound you heard was his heart cracking, breaking in his chest at a simple question. You wondered if you had messed things up by being too scared, by living in fear rather than taking things that you wanted.

“I love you.” you felt your shoulders fall, shedding themselves of the weight they held onto for so long. “I love you so much it hurts, and everyone thinks it’s just because I’m in love with your girlfriend. They think that when i’m looking at you, i’m looking at her and while it’s a great coverup for the real issue at hand, it’s almost worse. Because in a way, I guess I am. I want to be her, I want to be in her place. I want to kiss her because at least I'll get to taste your lips again. At least if I listen to her go on and on about her weekend plans then I can keep up with your life from someone other than Tk.”

It was a lot, a lot of things you’d wanted to say for longer than you could recount, but now it was too much. It was too much to dump on Nolan in a bar bathroom where you had just previously been throwing up. It wasn’t ideal, and it was probably disgusting, but you need to get it out now. Now or never, right here in the bathroom where Nolan’s girlfriend stood not too far outside of it.

“Y/n-”

“Just tell me you love me. Tell me i’m not crazy because I think you look at me the way you should be looking at her. I think that whatever you have with her is probably great, but it’s nothing like what we had. She’s not me, Nolan. I know she’s not.”

“That’s the problem! She’s not you, and that’s good for me. She’s good for me. She doesn’t hide me, doesn’t shove me into her room when her best friend comes knocking on the door. She doesn’t hide my jerseys in the back of her closet or stay ten feet away from me in public. She’s not you, but that’s not an accident.” your heart sank, not only at the words ringing in your ears but the steam pouring out of his ears. The way that he was looking at you, like you’d ruined him, made your stomach twist. It was awful, to have him stand in front of you and not understand that all you wanted was him.

“Nolan please-”

“Please what, y/n? Haven’t we already had this conversation? You want me to help you but I'm telling you I can’t do that. I can’t keep running into bathrooms when you’re throwing up and I can’t hold your hand when your anxiety bubbles up and you can’t be around people anymore. I can’t do this for you anymore y/n. Yes, I love you. I love you but it hurts in a way that love should not hurt. I shouldn’t wake up every morning feeling like i’ve lost a part of me that i’ll never get back. I should be able to have a girlfriend without worrying about what my ex thinks, how she feels about me. I shouldn’t have to worry about your feelings anymore because you didn’t worry about mine when I was begging you to stop making me sneak around with you.”

“I didn’t mean for-”

“I don’t care anymore, honestly. I don’t care what you meant to do. All I'm asking you to do is to leave me alone and let me move on with my life. You had your chance, you had me right in front of you, telling you that you were the one for me, you were it, and you threw it away. You broke my heart and kicked me to the curb because you didn’t care what I wanted. So now i’m telling you that I don’t care what you want. I want you to stay away from me.”

The image of him walking out of the bathroom felt a lot like the night he walked out of your apartment. The way he slammed the door in your face, leaving you behind with wet cheeks and an ache in your chest that made it hard to breathe. It wasn’t any different from last time, but you were determined to change it from here on out.

You walked out of the bathroom after splashing water on your face, walking straight up to the bar and ordering three shots of tequila. Three shots that Karly watched him place in front of you from her place across the room as panic coursed through her. She shoved Travis to the side and did her best to reach you in time, dragging Joel along with her but it was too late. You had already tipped back two of the shots by the time they got there, and just as they slammed into the side of the bar, you lifted your third in a mock cheer before downing it.

“Let’s go have some fun, yeah?” you grabbed Karly’s hands and pulled her to the middle of the room to dance with you.

Karly wasn’t sure if she should be careful around you, if you had things that you wanted to air out or if you wanted to bury everything. She wasn’t sure exactly what happened with you and Nolan, and she wasn’t entirely sure how she was supposed to help you. So she let you drink. She made sure that Joel would be ready to take you home when you needed to go, and she let you do almost anything in between.

Joel was the one that cut you off, paying for your tab and pulling you away from a guy you were trying to hustle drinks from in favor of taking you home. He labeled you as gone enough to go home and when he was met with a drunken smile, he knew he made the right decision.

He kept an arm around you when you said goodbye to everyone, and pretended not to notice the way you skipped right over Nolan on your way out. Karly made him promise to call her as soon as he had gotten you home. He let you lean against him on the walk to his car and made sure all of your limbs were safely placed inside before shutting the door.

“You have a good night?” Joel asked about a minute or so into the drive, watching you gaze longingly out of your window. You nodded gently, which was slightly off putting but somehow enough for Joel to stop pushing it.

“She’s so pretty.” Joel’s ears perked up, attention shifting over to you at the sound of your voice. “Great smile, big blue eyes that you can’t help but stare out. Her accent can get annoying but it’s cute in a weird way.”

Joel laughed gently, thinking that your rambling was a drunk confession that his skepticism had been correct, that he had sniffed you out easier than you had expected him to. But then you spoke again, and it took everything in him not to slam on the brakes in the middle of the street.

“Maybe if I had her long blonde hair or her magic touch, he’d want me just as much.” he felt his heart sink into his stomach, realization dawned on him more and more as time progressed.

All this time, he’d been teasing you about the stupid crush he thought you had on Nolan’s girlfriend. He thought the glances and the heavy sighs were directed towards the blonde girl when in all reality, they were directed at his teammate. It made sense, how you and Nolan seemed to start acting strange around the same time. He wouldn’t hear from either of you for hours at a time, when nobody knew where either of you were.

It made sense why you stopped coming to games, why you stopped accepting invitations to go out with everyone. He realized now, that he’d made a big mistake. By thinking that you had a thing for Mackayla, every mere mention of the girl must have brought a sick feeling to your stomach. He mentioned her and Nolan all the time, and had unintentionally hurt you in the process.

“Do you think he would?” you turned toward Joel, hand falling onto his arm while your eyes blurred with a thin layer of tears. He looked down at you, so fragile and small in his passenger seat, and softened. He couldn’t help but think he helped put you in this position, but he could make sure he never did it again.

“I think he’d be an idiot not to love you just the way you are.” you rolled your eyes but the smile that stretched across your lips was enough for him. You shoved him playfully, letting a laugh pass your lips afterwards.

Something twisted in his stomach, seeing you laugh beside him in his passenger seat. You looked beautiful despite the drunken haze and the way your eyes could hardly stay open. It wasn’t the first time Joel had seen you like this but he hoped it wouldn’t be his last either.

“Careful, Beezer. You’re going to get my hopes up.” his heart sank again, the smile slowly fading from your lips before you slipped into a light sleep. He was furious that anybody would hurt you like this, let alone someone that he was so close to. He didn’t know how he didn’t sniff this out sooner, but he was determined to never let it go unnoticed again.

Joel kept a close eye on you then. He made sure not to invite you to things when Mackayla was already set to attend. He kept conversation topics about Nolan in the ‘do not mention’ box, only mentioning him if he was a vital part to the story he was telling. Joel went through your closet and replaced every single Patrick jersey with a Farabee one, claiming that you can’t keep showing up to the games with a simple flyers hoodie that was practically on its last leg.

You noticed the small changes, noticed that Joel was doing his best to keep you out of harm's way. You assumed he must have told Travis enough for him to stop mentioning your alleged crush on Mackayla. One thing you were sure of was the fact that you wouldn’t have made it this far without Joel. He showed up with takeout when he knew you’d gone all day without eating, and put on your favorite movie without asking.

Essentially, he was himself, dialed up to eleven. He made sure you never had to go anywhere by yourself if you didn’t want to. It was clear that Mackayla wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and you were far too close with the rest of the team to let Nolan indirectly stop you from having fun with your friends.

You went into the night thinking that it would be a good stepping stone for you to accept the fact that Mackayla would be around more often whether you liked it or not. You got ready with Karly, pulling on the tight leotard and the bunny ears that matched. It was a ridiculous outfit, but it was worth it when Joel walked into your apartment with his arms outstretched beside him and a pipe hanging from his lips loosely.

“Where’s my bunny?” you wiped a stray tear from your waterline, your laughter tumbling further into an uncontrollable fit. You knew these costumes would be ridiculous but seeing Joel in a velvet robe and a sailor’s hat was far more comical than you originally expected.

“Hi Hughie.” you kissed his cheek gently, heating up the patch of skin unintentionally. You didn’t notice the way his eyes lingered on the skin of your exposed thighs, nor did you see the way his eyes followed you when you turned around, back facing him.

“You ready?” you nodded gently and told Travis he did a good job, despite the fact that his and Karly’s prisoner costumes were just orange jumpsuits.

Karly brought her lips close to your ear when Nolan and Mackayla arrived, making a passive comment about how you and Joel looked ten times better than that. It made you think about last halloween, where you ended up leaving Claude’s with Nolan, only to wake up the next morning with a trail of marks down your neck and a mess of makeup you had forgotten to take off before falling asleep.

You shook the thought out of your head, deciding that it wasn’t worth it. You were thankful that Joel stayed close to you all night, eliminating the possibility of you ever being locked in a room with just Nolan and/or Mackayla. He didn’t stop you from tossing back one too many white claws and kept guard in front of the door when you used the bathroom.

He didn’t stop you from standing on a table beside Tk, elbows hooked together while you raced to down your can faster than him. He hip checked Karly when she tried to distract you to give her boyfriend the win, and he grabbed onto both of your thighs when you wobbled on the slightly unsteady surface.

Your hands fell to grab onto his shoulders in an attempt to steady yourself, thankful for the way he had no intention to let you fall. He smiled up at you with a smile that said he knew you were just past the point of being able to keep your balance. You’d lost count of how many white claws you’d been handed throughout the night, but the close eye he kept on you told him how much more you’d be able to handle before the night was over.

Joel wrapped his arms around your legs and lifted you off of the tabletop, only loosening them enough for you to slide down to stand on your feet. When your feet hit the floor, you were painfully aware of how close you were to Joel, feeling his breath fan over your face and struggling to keep your eyes locked on his.

In all the time you’ve known Joel, you’ve never felt the fuzzy feeling that was currently residing in your chest. You’d never thought about your relationship all that much. The two of you spent time together because it felt natural, it was easy to fall into a routine with him without even realizing it. In another world, you’d let Joel break down your walls. You’d probably help him, hammering them down all on your own if it meant that he looked at you like that for the rest of your life.

But this wasn’t a perfect world, and you couldn’t do that. No matter how much you tried to soak in the way that Joel was looking at you, the way he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off of you or pry his hands off of your sides, you were reminded of the fact that he wasn’t Nolan.

You cleared your throat, eyebrows furrowing for just a second before you started tripping over your words. “I, uh-”

“Beezer!” Joel’s hands fell back to his side, eyes snapping up to follow the sound of his name only to find Morgan and Phil beckoning him over in their direction.

“I should uh-”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, go. Don't fall off any tables.” he laughed gently and pressed a soft kiss to your temple before walking past you, leaving you with a burning feeling in both of your hips and now the spot of your temple that was still warm from his lips.

You quickly shook it off by the time that Karly popped up beside you with an unopened white claw, swinging it in front of your face and smiling brightly when you snatched it out of her hold. Unbeknownst to you but not flying under Karly’s radar, was the boy with bright blue eyes and shoulder length hair that had been watching you longer than he should have been.

Karly sent him a firm glare while your back was to him, silently testing him while also warning him. He rolled his eyes, unsure of when she had figured things out or what she had heard. He was sure you told a skewed version of the truth, surely roping Karly into believing Nolan was the spawn of satan. In all actuality, Karly didn’t think that. She thought that the things you told her about Nolan were great, and she knew you deserve someone like that. She did, however, know that you were also hurt by the things that Nolan had been doing and saying recently, and she’ll be damned if she lets him hurt you again.

So she kept an eye on Nolan all night, she made sure that he kept his distance from you while also trying to figure out what was going on between you and Joel. You leaned just a little further into him than you normally would and he seemed to always have a hold on you, whether it be his hands on your hips or an arm thrown over your shoulders.

The first time she could ask about it was when the two of you were dancing, not the only ones in the room but you were surely the only one that could hear her over the music. She wrapped her arms around your neck and brought her lips close to your ear to help drown out the sound to everyone else while also trying to eliminate the possibility of raising suspicion.

“So you and Beezer?” you smiled fondly, not even realizing that a toothy grin spread across your lips at the sound of Joel’s name.

“He’s just my best friend, K.” she rolled her eyes, unconvinced that’s all it was. She casted her eyes over your shoulder, catching the eyes of none other than the boy dressed as Hugh Hefner.

“I’d say the way he’s looking at you right now is not how I look at my friends. It is, however, the way I look at my boyfriend after being teased all night long.” you turned over your shoulder, catching Joel’s eyes with your own. He pushed a smile forward, one that eventually turned into a short laugh before he looked back at Morgan who was talking about something he had lost track of a while ago.

“We’re just friends.” Karly hummed, unconvinced but dropping the subject nonetheless.

If you weren’t thinking about it beforehand, now it would have been impossible to stop thinking about Joel. maybe it was the fact that you could still feel his hands on your hips, or the fact that almost every time you looked at him he was already looking at you. It felt impossible to stop thinking about him, to turn your mind off and stop thinking. It sucked, the dull ache finding its way back to your chest because no matter how much you were thinking of Joel, you couldn’t stop subconsciously looking for Nolan.

The way he didn’t have his arm slung around Mackayla’s shoulders like always brought a whisper of a smile to your face. She was talking to Jake about something that he looked amused over, whether it was the topic of their conversation or her hand gestures that amused him you weren’t sure of. He was hardly looking at her, opting to stare into his cup or up at Travis when he nudged him hard enough to grab his attention.

But then he looked up at you, holding eye contact with you for longer than either of you should have. His knuckles were white, his cheeks tinted red in a way that made you dizzy. You remembered a time when you’d smile at the sight of them, run your fingers over them and probably kiss them softly. Nolan would tell you to leave them alone, to ignore that they were even there but he didn’t mind when they made you smile like that.

It took you back to a time where you could cock your head to the side and ask him to meet you in the bathroom. There’d be rushed kisses and whispered affirmations, words that nobody outside of the two of you were ever going to hear but it didn’t matter because Nolan was the one saying it all to you.

But you couldn’t do that now. You couldn’t meet him upstairs or back at your apartment afterwards. He’d be going home with his girlfriend and you’d be going home alone. It was the harsh fact that you had been trying to accept for months at this point, but it didn’t hurt any less than it did the first time you saw Mackayla and realized that no matter how much you wanted to hate her, you couldn’t.

You took a deep breath and broke eye contact, opting to turn your focus to downing the rest of your drink before walking into the kitchen to grab another. You’d love to say that you were surprised when you heard the door open after you had shut it, but you weren’t. In fact, you’d be surprised if it hadn’t opened.

“Is there something going on with you and Beezer?” you fought back a laugh that sat in the back of your throat. Of course that’s what he cared about. Of course, even after all this time, he was still worried about what you were doing and who you were doing it with.

“Would there be a problem if there was?” you turned over your shoulder, not missing the way he had to peel his eyes off of your backside. Though, you couldn’t blame him for it. You look good in the black leotard and you were sure it wasn’t the first time tonight that he looked at you like that.

“So there is?” you rolled your eyes and turned back to your drink that was practically finished. You took a deep breath and exhaled through your nose, bringing the cup to your lips to take a large gulp of it before you turned back around and made a break for the exit.

“No, Nolan. There’s nothing going on between Joel and I but it’s not exactly your place to grill me if there was.” you went to give him a firm pat on the shoulder but he gripped your wrist lightly, turning you just enough so he could look at you properly.

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” the look of confusion mixed with hurt that took over your face filled him with regret. You had never done anything that should have given him the notion that you’d ever lie to him, but he felt the need to ask regardless. Now that he had, he had his answer and he wished he had just kept it to himself.

“Things would be a lot easier between us if I was able to lie to you.” despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, there wasn’t enough time for you to explain your words to him before you were walking past him and out of the kitchen.

The alcohol swimming through your system had your eyes burning before the door had even shut behind you and while Nolan didn’t follow you out right after, that didn’t stop Joel from grabbing your hand and tugging you away from the room.

“I was just about to go in. I saw him follow you in there, are you okay?” he could tell you were in a bit of a daze. It was evident in the way your eyes didn’t meet his right away, the way that your breathing was slightly irregular and the way that when you looked up at him, he could tell you were still out of it.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah i’m okay.” he nodded slowly despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely convinced and agreed to dance with you when one of your favorite songs came on.

It felt like the night was never ending at this point. You’re not sure what time it was or how many white claws you had downed, but that was obvious by the way you were stumbling around the Giroux house. Joel hardly trusted you to go to the bathroom by yourself with the way you were stumbling everywhere.

He was persistent in walking behind you up the stairs, holding out his hands to stop you from falling backwards. He wasn’t much more sober than you were, but he was clearly handling it a lot better than you were. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest when he said he was going to wait outside for you, but then he offered to sit on the edge of the tub and while it was far from the thing you should have done, you were certain that you would mess up somewhere if you did it all on your own.

One thing you had forgotten about was the outfit you were wearing, and the fact that you practically had to strip in order to use the bathroom. So, with a low groan and a drunken laugh, you told Joel he had to stand in the shower while you peed, curtain closed and all. He did though, stand in the shower and stare at the tiled walls while he asked you if you were having a good night, all things considered.

When he heard the sink turn on and your voice telling him he could come back out, the shower curtain slid to the side and he stepped back out, a smile gracing his lips when he locked eyes with you in the mirror. He bumped your hip with his gently and gasped when you splashed water at him from the faucet, splashing you back without any hesitation.

“Oh that was a grave mistake, Farabee.” his eyebrows shot up, a silent questioning sitting on the tip of his tongue before he repeated his actions.

Somewhere along teasing comments and a few more splashes, the laughter dulled down and the faucet was turned off. Joel’s eyes were trained on you though, the alcohol in his system lowering his subtlety in the way he raked your body up and down. It wasn’t subtle and it sent a chill down your spine, the fact that he was openly checking you out unapologetically.

He leaned closer, or maybe you leaned closer, it was unclear who made which move first and who was just simply following suit but within mere seconds, your lips were pressed against Joel’s. His hands found the back of your thighs with ease and lifted you up onto the countertop, giving him the ability to press his lips further into yours.

You got caught up in the heat of the moment. The way his lips felt against yours felt so familiar, like you had kissed him in another life. It felt easy and natural, and right. It was unlike anything you’d ever experienced, even holding his head in yours while you kissed him back just as feverishly.

You were in a daze until he pulled his lips back from yours and pressed them against the skin of your neck, making a path of his own on the way down to the spot of your neck that met your shoulder. Maybe it was the fact that he settled in an all too familiar spot of your neck, or the way that his hands couldn’t seem to hold enough of you, but you ripped out of the moment. Everything around you started coming back, reminding you of what you were doing in the bathroom of a Halloween party where all of your friends were just downstairs.

“Joel.” you whispered softly, trying to get a firm grip on reality rather than allowing yourself to get lost in the boy that was still nipping and sucking at your skin.

“Yeah baby?” the rasp in his voice sent a shockwave through your body, making your head fall back ever so slightly at the same time a low whine passed your lips.

“We can’t do this.”

“Why’s that?” he switched sides, grabbing the underside of your jaw and turning your head enough to give him access to the other side of your neck.

“Because we can’t Joel. you’re my best friend-”

“Oh bullshit.” he pulled back then, pupils blown out and lips slightly swollen. Red tinted his cheeks and the soft pants rolling past his lips mimicked the way his mind was racing. “Haven’t you heard anyone say that falling in love with your best friend is the best decision you can make?” your heart fell into your stomach, your shoulders slumping at the sound of his question.

Falling in love? You didn’t think Joel was anywhere near in love with you. You’d guess maybe a crush or some surface level feelings but full blown love? There was something holding you back, not allowing you to get to that point with anyone after what you’d been through. You couldn’t just forget about all of it as if it hadn’t happened, as if it didn’t still affect you.

“Say something.” the desperation in his voice killed you, somehow breaking your heart even further. The way his lust clouded vision turned to one of pleading tugged at your heartstrings in a way that had you speaking before you could even think about it.

“I still love him, Bee.” Joel’s head fell then, his hands moving to grip the edge of the counter on either side of you as he tried to catch his breath. “Joel-”

“Don’t bother. I get it. It’s always going to be Patty, right?” he looked up at you, hoping that you’d rush to tell him that’s not what you meant, but that never came.

Instead you bit your lower lip, chewing the anxiety away as you tried to find the words to describe the situation. By the time you could think of anything worth saying, Joel was already turning the knob and slamming the door shut behind him. The sound made you jump just before you leaned back against the mirror, trying to rid yourself of the mess you just made for yourself.

Joel rushed down the stairs in search of something to drink, anything that would save him from his mind. He couldn’t stop replaying it over in his head, the way your hands felt on the sides of his face or locked in his hair. The way your lips felt against his or the way you reacted to his touch. He couldn’t get the sight of your blown out pupils and swollen lips, two things he had caused, out of his head. He couldn’t get you out of his head.

When he found Phil and Morgan passing a flask back and forth, he held his out for it and downed about half of it before Phil tried to swat it away from his lips, noticing something severely wrong with Joel. None of them noticed you jog down the stairs and bolt out back, in search of fresh air and a space where there weren’t many people around.

“You alright Beezer?” Phil asked just before tipping the flask enough to take a swig from it.

“Other than the fact that I may have just fucked everything up, I’m fine.” Morgan realized what he meant first, given that he’d heard Joel talk about you more often than anyone else on the team. Morgan was the one he went to when he couldn’t go to you, this being one of their main conversation topics.

“What did you do?” Joel’s eyes lingered on Morgan for a bit and when he pushed out a heavy sigh to procrastinate the words he was about to say, he only allowed the time for Nolan to walk past him just in time to hear everything he was going to say.

“I think I almost slept with y/n.” Nolan came to a screeching halt behind him, eyes snapping to meet Phil’s who was completely clueless to the tension currently building up.

“You what?” Joel’s neck practically snapped with how quickly he turned over his shoulder, coming face to face with the broody boy who was seething right in front of him.

“Nothing. I uh, that came out wrong.” Nolan didn’t believe him though. With the way Joel was stumbling over his words and avoiding eye contact, Nolan knew there was something worth digging into.

Nolan walked away from the three of them, eyes scanning the room, no doubt in search of you. His fists were clenched and his focus was completely thrown off. He had forgotten about everything else going on around him, everyone else that stood inside of the house.

He saw you through the sliding glass door, a smile sitting on your face that he knew held no weight to it. He knew that whatever Jake was telling you was probably funny, but he knew there were other things on your mind. Both because he knew you well enough to know when something was on your mind but also because he had just heard Joel say that there was something for you to be thinking about.

He yanked the back door open, not caring for a single second if it slammed open or shut, or if it even shut at all behind him. He didn’t care if he was attracting attention to himself or if he was about to accidentally air out a bunch of dirty laundry for not only himself, but you and Joel as well.

“So you’re a liar now?” your head turned at the loud voice calling out to you from the opposite side of the yard, worry and fear intertwining in the back of your mind.

“What are you talking about?” Jake and Claude had forgotten what their conversation was even about by the time Nolan was halfway across the yard, anger clearly written into his expression.

“You fucked Beezer?” your eyes blew wide open, along with the two men at your side that were rudely interrupted by a false accusation.

“No! What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about whatever happened between you and Beezer that you told me was surely not happening.” you rolled your eyes now, more annoyed with the fact that he was digging this deep into something he had no business knowing about rather than the fact that he was yelling at you in front of your families.

“Why do you even care, Nolan?”

“He’s my teammate! How am i supposed to play on a line with him when i know he’s-”

“He’s what?” you stood up now, standing face to face with the boy who was clearly causing a scene. Even the people still standing inside were watching through the door that still hadn’t shut from Nolan’s dramatic exit/entrance.

“He’s touched you!”

“It was just a kiss for fuck’s sake!” Joel wouldn’t admit that his heart sank at the comment. What was ‘just a kiss’ to you was much more to him. It was everything he’d wanted to for as long as he could remember, but he’d keep that to himself too.

“It’s the principle!” his words irritated you. He was irritating you. You’re not sure how it was his business to know, let alone who gave him the right to be mad about it.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Nolan!” he clenched his fists at the fact. He knew that, he was painfully aware of that. All it did was remind him that the girl he wanted more than anything wouldn’t meet him halfway.

“Well that doesn’t mean he can be!”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because i’m still in love with you!” it was bad timing, truly. In theory, someone probably should have stopped her from stepping outside while the two of you were fighting, but nobody did. Nobody stopped Mackayla from hearing everything that Nolan said, everything that he had denied to her for as long as they’d been together, and they didn’t stop her from walking out into the backyard just as her boyfriend was confessing his love for another girl.

You deflated at the sight of her, shoulders slumping when you realized that you were responsible for two people’s heart breaks tonight. Three if you counted Nolan, but you didn’t. He’d been like this for a long time it seemed and while you wanted to fix that, one thing Nolan was right about was the fact that there was too much damage between the two of you to backtrack now.

“You’re in love with her?” Nolan’s eyes fluttered shut at the sound of her voice, mind racing over all the ways he messed up in the past that led to this moment. His girlfriend of x amount of months was now standing behind him, her heart in her stomach and her cheeks wet as she witnessed her boyfriend confess that he was in love with the girl she’d been worried about for the entirety of their relationship.

“Mack.” he whispered gently, turning around to face the girl who had already given up on him. There was no way he could fix this. He had told her too many times to count that nothing had ever happened between you and him. He promised her that you weren’t somebody she needed to worry about, but he told everyone that it seemed. “Mack I didn’t mean to-”

She turned and ran back into the house before Nolan could even finish his thought. While he wanted to turn around and drill into you for fucking up another thing for him, he knew it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything you weren’t allowed to do and he made a mess for himself. He didn’t walk into a mess you built, didn’t try to fix someone who didn’t need fixing, but he did break two girls who deserved the world.

“Good job.” you mumbled to yourself, bumping his arm with your shoulder when you walked past him and tried to follow Mackayla when he made no effort to.

“Y/n-” you spun at the sound of your name, angry tears building up in your eyes at the look on his face, a look that made you feel guilty for something you were more than allowed to do.

“No! You don’t get to berate me. You don’t get to belittle me or tell me that I made a mistake. I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want to. You left me, remember? You left me and you told me that I needed to let you be happy. I tried, Nolan. I tried so hard to let you be happy and now you’re screaming at me in front of everybody because of what? Because I might be starting to be happy without you? You don’t get to be angry at me for finding a way to fix myself. Just leave me alone.” by the time you passed by everyone who was looking at the floor rather than up at you, you knew that you should leave anyways.

With your phone in one hand and your shoes in the other, you ran outside and sighed at the relief you felt when you found Mackayla sitting on the curb.

“Mackayla!” you ran down the driveway towards her, wincing at the sight of her glaring harshly at you. “Mackayla I’m so sorry.”

She wiped her cheeks and nose and let out a heavy sigh. In reality, she couldn’t be mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong in her mind and you surely weren’t the one that lied to her. Sure, it wasn’t her first choice to hang out with the girl that inherently stole her boyfriend from her, but she also figured that she had stolen your boyfriend in a way so she guessed that made the two of you even.

“He sucks.” you laughed gently and sat beside her, opening your phone while you plopped down on the curb beside her.

“He does.” you paused for a moment before smiling over at her. “You’re staying with him, aren’t you?” she nodded slowly, realizing that she didn’t have anywhere to go or any of her things. “Well I'm about to order an uber if you want to crash at my place for the night. I’ll answer any questions you want and I’ll help you get your shit from his place in the morning.”

She hesitated, clearly not ready to accept your offer with a wide smile and an open mind. She hardly knew you, and she wasn’t ready to forget about all of the things she was beginning to realize about you and Nolan’s relationship.

But she agreed, because she truly had nowhere else to go. She sat at your dining room table with you in a pair of your sweatpants and a shirt you had promised her was not Nolan’s. She drank your coffee out of one of your mugs and asked you every question that had plagued her over the course of her relationship with Nolan. Not all of them were about you, not even all of them were about Nolan, but you answered them all regardless.

You helped her get her things in the morning from Nolan’s and drove her to the airport when she was able to rebook her flight back home. You apologized ten more times and she waved off every one of them by telling you that you didn’t do anything wrong other than be the love of Nolan’s life, which wasn’t your fault entirely.

Karly was there to help pick up the pieces the best that she could, though it was hard with her not always being in Philly. She tried to fill the space in your life that Joel left when he stopped coming around for movie nights and take out dinners. You fully stopped going to Flyers games, finding no use in showing up to them anymore.

Every call you made was sent to voicemail, every text left unread. You were being shut out, and you couldn’t do anything about it. Travis tried to assure you it wasn’t your fault, you just didn’t notice your best friend falling in love with you because you were trying to fall out of love with his teammate. He told you to just give Joel time, but you were stuck believing that ‘time’ may never have an ending.

So you threw yourself into your work. You submitted projects before their due dates and received positive feedback on just about every portion of them. It was a healthy coping mechanism, a way to shift your focus onto something productive. You did such a good job, in fact, that your boss called you into his office after a few months.

It was nerve wracking, to be called into your boss’s office with no clues as to why. It was even more nerve wracking after you had left and your hands were slightly shaking. The weight put onto your shoulders was unlike any you’d ever experienced, plagues with a decision to make all on your own. It wasn’t a decision you wanted, not one you had even been close to looking for, but it’s one that you got.

It’s one that lingered in the back of your mind for weeks afterwards, still never reaching a decision. The flexible timeline gave you all the time in the world to decide, and your boss wasn’t pushing you in either direction, though you slightly wished he would have.

But then you told Karly about said decision, and the way you watched her face fall told you that she knew what your decision would be. In all actuality, you knew what your decision was. If you were going to say no, you would have by now. You would have denied the offer and stuck with your current life, boring or not.

You were practically tackled the second you stepped foot in Travis’s apartment, his arms thrown around you as he leaned into you just enough to throw off your balance. Phil followed close behind, wrapping you up in his arms and telling you that you weren’t allowed to disappear for that long ever again. Karly’s sideways glance in your direction went unseen to everyone but you, mostly because you silently told her to drop it, given that now was not the time to be talking about this.

But then you felt your heart sink further into your chest with every passing second. It was nice to be around all the people that made Philly feel like home to you, but it made your decision harder. Not because you had to choose which side you were on anymore, but because it made your choice that much harder to accept.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if Joel wasn’t going out of his way to ignore you. The way he ducked out of your way any time he got close to you, or the way he purposefully stood on the opposite side of the room when the only open seat was beside you. You noticed the way he steered clear of you and while you wanted to be upset that you didn’t have your best friend to make these things easier for you, you knew that Joel was doing this for his own good, not to hurt you.

So you found yourself on Travis’s balcony with Karly, your head leaning on her shoulder while you swung a bottle back and forth between your fingers. The sound of the door opening behind you made you turn over your shoulder, eyes locking with the same pair of blue eyes that you knew you’d have to face at some point.

“I’ll let you two talk.” Karly whispered gently before standing up and ducking back inside.

Nolan closed the door this time, making it a habit in everything he did nowadays. He sat beside you, his knee knocking into yours gently. He didn’t know what to say to you, didn’t know how to apologize for all of the things he had put you through. The two of you had something beautiful once, you’re not sure when it turned itself upside down but it didn’t matter anymore. Not when things were about to change so drastically. Maybe not for him, but definitely for you.

“I’m shocked your lap dog’s not out here.” you rolled your eyes, finding it ridiculous that you thought he would start this conversation on a positive note.

“Why don’t you sit there and i’ll sit here and we can keep to ourselves until one of us wants to go back inside.” he sighed, like he regretted starting off on the wrong foot.

“We can’t even try to be nice to each other?” you turned to him then, giving him a look he hadn’t seen in a long time. It reminded him of times where you’d let the stress from school and work pile up, when you looked at him with an exhaustion that he couldn’t help. It was how you looked right before you stress cried, right before you’d normally turn into his chest and unload everything you’d been holding on to for far too long.

“I’ve tried being nice to you. I’ve tried letting you live your life but the second I started doing that, you stopped letting me live mine. I think you only want me to be happy if you’re the one that’s making me happy and that’s fucked. I lost my best friend over it. I lost the love of my life. It feels like I'm losing everything and I'm starting to think this isn’t the place I need to be anymore.” the latter part of your rant slipped without you even realizing it.

“What are you saying?” you shook your head, chewing on the side of your cheek and deciding not to dive into. Nolan didn’t care, and he was not the person you needed to be talking to about these things.

“Nothing. Forget about it.”

“Y/n. You’ve never been good at opening up but you’re clearly struggling. I know I'm not your first choice right now but I'm the only one that’s here. There was a time when I was your go to person for this sort of thing. So just tell me, what are you talking about?” you stared at him, hesitation evident in the way you were chewing on your tongue.

He was right, though. At one point, he was the person you called when things went wrong. He was the one you unloaded things onto at the end of the day when he asked what was worrying you. You told him your problems, shared your demons with him. If there was anybody who knew how you got when things were ruining you from the inside out, it was Nolan.

“I got a promotion.” a small smile spread across his lips, excitement and pride filling his chest. He always supported your work ventures, and he knew that they were crazy to ever think that you wouldn’t be their top employee sooner or later.

“Y/n that’s great.” you shook your head slowly, heart deflating in your chest before you pushed out the vital information that he hadn’t been looking for.

“It’s in Vancouver.”

He didn’t know what to say. On one hand, he wanted to say no. no, you can’t go to Vancouver. No, you can’t leave Philly behind. No, they don’t need you up there, they need you down here. He wanted to grovel, to fall to his knees and to beg you to stay. Stay in an apartment that he knew like the back of his hand, stay in a city where he knows you’re never too far. He wanted to say that moving to Vancouver was crazy and you’d regret it before you even had time to settle in.

But he couldn’t do that, because the other half of him was louder and logical. You deserved the promotion, deserved the raise that came with it despite where the job was. Nolan knew that Philly held things that you wanted to forget about, reminded you of times in your life that were only painful to think about at this point. You didn’t want to be here anymore, that much Nolan could tell. If you didn’t want to be here, you shouldn’t have to be.

“I think that would be good for you.” it was hard for him to say, tasting just as vile as it was to think about you going to another city.

Would you go to Canucks games? Would he have to see you dressed in blue and green rather than orange and black? Would you start hanging out with the Canucks roster like you did with the Flyers or would you avoid hockey completely? Maybe you’d date one of their players or maybe you’d make sure that anybody even remotely affiliated with hockey stayed far away from you. He didn’t know what the future held for you, but he hoped it was filled with joy and relief from the things you’d endured in Philly.

It hurt you to hear him say it just as much as it hurt him to say it. You could see that there were more thoughts swimming through his mind, that he wasn’t telling you everything he was thinking. Part of you wanted him to beg you to stay, to say that he was single now and everyone knew about the two of you anyway. You wanted him to say that maybe one more shot would finally do the trick, but you knew he wouldn’t and you knew that jumping back into anything with Nolan was far from a good idea.

Then there was Joel. Joel who had feelings for you that you never got the chance to hear about. There was a place for you and Joel, you knew that, but you thought it was unattainable. To be with Joel after everything between you and Nolan, it’d be a catastrophe. There wasn’t a possibility of you going back to being best friends, not when he had feelings for you that weren’t unrequited. You could pour your heart out to Joel, could tell him that you could see yourself falling in love with him if he was willing to be patient with you. But you couldn’t do that either. Not when you had finally come to the conclusion that you needed to move to Vancouver in order to put yourself back together.

That didn’t stop you from looking over your shoulder though, gazing at the boy who was impossible to rid your mind of. His smile made your heart clench, the way his head tilted back and his eyes screwed shut behind his glasses. He was beautiful in every sense of the word and while you loved the sound of a world where the two of you fell in love with zero complications, you knew that you were holding onto false hope.

“You should tell him. I don’t doubt he’ll show up on your doorstep in Vancouver if you don’t.” you laughed gently and turned back to face Nolan, hardly aware of when you had turned away from him. He wore a gentle smile, one that told you that even if you took this step, he would still be here for you. Maybe not in the ways that you previously needed him to be, but there was always room for building a new foundation.

“I will in a bit.” you whispered gently, sinking into your seat and lying your head on Nolan’s shoulder.

You’d miss this; he noisy bunch inside right behind you, the skyline you could see from Tk’s balcony. You’d miss the feeling of being close to Nolan, if only having your head on his shoulder while you sat in silence. You’d miss excitedly running into his apartment with new song recommendations, or him sending you a short playlist he made on the road for you. You’d miss waking up in the middle of the night to him tossing and turning until you brought him painkillers and a tall glass of water.

You’d miss Joel slamming his way into your apartment with a bright smile that meant he was having a dangerous thought. You’d miss the times you’d bring his back to the rink when he forgot it at home, or the way that he brought you lunch on days when you were too busy to send him a simple text that told him you were okay. You’d miss lying your head in his lap and looking up at him with nothing but love in your chest.

You’d miss going to Flyers games and watching your friends do the thing they loved most. You’d miss watching Joel score insane goals that you were always unsure of how he made them. You’d miss wearing Nolan’s Flyers paraphernalia and splitting snacks with Karly.

You’d miss it all, but you had to go. You had to go for you, because Philly isn't home anymore. It would always hold a special place in your heart, but so would all of the people in it. And you knew you needed to lead all of them behind as well.

Even the ones with bright blue eyes that would be burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

#nolan patrick #nolan patrick x reader #nolan x reader #nolpat #joel farabee #joel farabee x reader #joel x reader #beezer #philadelphia flyers #flyers #nhl #nhl fic #nhl imagine #nolan patrick imagine #joel farabee imagine #hockey fic #hockey imagine

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itstheimpossibledream · 3 years

Text

Only A Play

Part 5

Word Count: 2213

Pairing: AU Henry x FemBlack!Reader

Warning: Smut, Angst, Some fluff

Summary: Can reader & Henry work out their differences or will they be better apart? Breakup sex? Idk it’s the finale let me know what you think!

“ and that’s when I packed my things and came to New York.” Henry finishes.

You’d been looking down at your hands, trying not to get lost in his features while he spoke, knowing the tabloids would make a day out of it. Angling the photograph and captioning it something cheesy about ‘love being in the air’ or the fact that you’re ‘just in time for Valentine’s Day’. The dating speculations you could take but, the photographic evidence that made your mom ask questions was a different story entirely.Since the show had opened the two of you toured from interview to interview and then performed at night. The day usually culminating in a needy fuck at his apartment or in your dressing room if he couldn’t wait. You stayed at his place often and while it was still mostly in booty-call territory, (despite the previous year of apartment crashing and drunk declarations of love) the dinners and breakfasts remained consistent. You answered the interviewer’s questions calmly but,nothing could have prepared you for the final follow up. He turns to Henry, “And so aside from your new relationship(he motions to you),have you made any other friends during your time in New York?” He only hesitated slightly,before answering. He smirks but,the curve of his lip is gone before you know it. “I have really enjoyed working with her, and I hope our artistic relationship will flourish long after this production has ended.” he smiles diplomatically while reaching for your hand.“As far as new friends I believe my doorman Jason and I have gotten pretty close.” he laughs. When he laughs, the whole world laughs with him and the audience is no exception.Eventually , the hours of embarrassment have passed and you’re being rushed back into a cab to Henry’s apartment.

“So what was that?” you say as he closes the door, sliding into the car behind you.

“What?” he asks blissfully unaware of your annoyance.

“That whole continuing relationship thing?”you push.

“I said artistic relationship.” he corrected sternly.

“ You gave them ammo.” you cut back quickly.

“And so what? Two people in a romantic play together are speculated to date?How awful.” He grumbles.

“You don’t get to make a choice like that before talking to me about it.”

“It wasn’t a choice, it was the truth.” he quips back sternly.

“A truth that will put the tabloids on my ass.It’s been bad since we opened the show but, you and I both know this is only going to make it worse.” you mirrored his tone, clearly losing your cool at the idea of being followed to your apartment by cameras.

“Well you can stay with me as long as you need.” He says, firmly setting his jaw.You roll your eyes towards the window, Watching the people who pass by.

“So, this is what it was about? control ?”

“Please!” He scoffs “I don’t need the paparazzi holding your apartment hostage,to get you to stay at my place.You’re practically there every night anyway.” It comes out sounding like more of a complaint than he had meant for it to. Your blood boils with resentment of his comfortability.You can feel the heaviness in your eyes when the car pulls up to his ‘flat’. A term you had started using sarcastically but had slowly begun to stick. Even now, you despised that while being a convenient fuck , he had permeated your subconscious enough to make you even think to refer to it as a flat.

“What’s on your mind?” he finally asked, breaking the silence that had been holding court in the elevator. He didn’t sound like he really wanted to know, infact he seemed like he was solely asking for courteous purposes and that was it. You turned your entire body to face him, you could feel that no matter how hard you were trying your face had begun to break.

“You know, you were right. There’s no reason for me to be here.” your lips upturned in a smile as you saw the glassyness of your eyes reflected in his face. It was an odd pain , not one you could name but, one you knew without a doubt was real. You had shared something special, he knew that. But, anyone could see that the lack of compatibility outside of the bedroom left the relationship forever doomed.He rolled his tongue between his lips and you couldn’t help but think of how blissful the silence was between you two. Someone had to say it, and in true fashion Henry was not strong enough.

“ What are you talking about?!” He followed behind you into the hallway as you fled the elevator, opening the door to the apartment.

“We aren’t compatible Henry. You don’t get me. My lifestyle, my friends,my choices; you think it’s all a fucking joke or something. Well, it’s not,It’s not a fucking joke.It’s my real life. I know we play and talk about how much money you make but when it comes down to it I’ve never seen you put a red cent to helping anyone else. But, you watch me tithe everything I earn to give back to the communities that raised me. If you wanted to be with me, like really wanted to be with me,you would have already invested yourself in the things I find important. Instead, what you do is stand on red carpet at a black, trans fundraising gala and steal the attention once again.”

“I thought you were mad about the interview, now you’re mad about the gala?!?”

“I’m mad about all of it!” you screamed directly into his beautifully manicured face. Not an eyelash out of place and yet he still couldn’t contend with the neatening of his moral compass.

“I’m mad because you center yourself in any safe space for people of color I take you to.I’m mad because you don’t ask for my opinion or consent before doing anything, because you don’t care.Actually, I’m not even mad anymore.I just see it for what it is.”The tears had started to slowly flow now, and while your pride kept you from full on sobs,a total breakdown was on it’s way without a doubt. You removed your bag from your shoulder,sitting it in the chair by the door and headed to your bedroom. You had graduated from the guest bedroom, to mostly staying in Henry’s bed with him, a convenience thing really.

“And what is it?” he asked , finally unable to continue being berated by you.

“A mistake.” you said calmly, what had to be mere minutes felt like passing hours, the two of you standing there, looking at eachother, seeing the relationship for what it was.

He spoke first.

“I love you.” his baritone timbre you had become so accustomed to sounded far away, you questioned if you had even heard him clearly.

“I love you, does that not matter to you at all?”he sounded stern, almost scolding you for not immediately reciprocating his affection.

“It’s not real Hen.” you said between tears “Someone who loves me, wouldn’t need me to explain all the ways his privilege consistently harms me. I wouldn’t have to ask him to donate to causes I’m passionate about, causes I’ve devoted my whole life to getting fundraising for. Someone who loves me would not make party conversation about how their black girlfriend has to sleep with a bonnet on.” He was silent,now. He stepped towards you, closing the void of misunderstanding.

“I'm sorry that I ever made you feel as though you aren’t the most important thing in the world to me.” He kissed your forehead, and then on the top of your head.

He whispered into your hair but, you could feel his voice reverberating through your curls.

“Can we not fight tonight ?” You exhaled, relaxing the weight of your body into his. You didn’t have to fight anymore because you heard his answer loud and clear. He didn’t want to fight because he couldn’t. He could not think of something important enough to cause him discomfort,couldn’t think of anything worth his unhappiness. He placed his hands on either side of your face, pulling you in for a kiss. You kissed him back slowly, making up your mind to give in to your emotions for one last time. A spark went through your body as you felt his hands trail their way over your curves. You tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt and he quickly obliged,pulling it over his head. He lightly pushes you towards the bed and when he rolls ontop of you it feels more like a safety net than a sexual maneuver. Even as he undresses you, slowly, kissing over your body. He touches you so gently,assigning value to every square inch of your skin.Before long he’s looking into your eyes as he thrusts into you, rutting his way inside you of.Your breath hitches as you begin to synchronize your breathing with his, becoming one, breathing as one whole. He held the backs of your knees, pushing them up further into your chest.You cried out at the depth of the new angle and he smiled, moving a hand from the back of your knee to your neck, lightly applying pressure. You loved his hand around your throat, the way his veins looked, the muscles in his arm , all of it. And he knew that, he was pulling out all of his best moves tonight.

“You’re so bloody beautiful right now.so tight for me.” He murmured close, into your ear.

His dirty talk alone sent you over the edge but, the added view, from this angle of his body was everything a partner could want. He moaned as he pushed into you , the result of your walls tightening around him. Your spasms brought him over the edge,as he came into you.You latched your nails onto the skin of his back, clawing for safety in his embrace.

“I love you. I love you.”he said in between kisses as he came down from the high of physical contact. “I love you too.” you returned the words, because they were true and in that moment, nothing could have been more honest.He rolled over onto his back and you snuggled up next to him.

“I do love you” he whispers into your hair. The room is dark,aside from a sliver of light where the moon shone through the blinds. He slowly runs a hand over your hair and down your back.

“Then why haven’t I met your parents yet?” you sighed,turning your head upwards to face him.

The loudest silence of the night fell over the room, that was what made it real to him. He couldn’t deny it anymore. Even he knew, he had never invited you to visit his family, or even out to dinner when they were visiting in the states. You didn’t know if it was that he was embarrassed , or that he just didn’t know how to tell them. You weren’t even upset anymore, as much as you were resigned to the fact that you had to begin putting yourself first, to choose your needs first. And whether you wanted to admit it or not, if you were honest with yourself you knew he wasn’t the one. His brows furrowed and you could tell he was running through every possible response. His hand smoothed it’s way over your hair again and while you had resigned to the fact that it was over you couldn’t help but allow a piece of your heart to break as you saw his eyes become glassy.

Before long he was fast asleep above you. Henry would be leaving the show, for another movie gig in two weeks but, since the first rehearsal you hadn’t spent a day without Henry, or Kal for that matter. Sun peeked through the shades as you redressed yourself in the dark , you couldn’t be sure if this was something you wanted, or simply something you knew you had to do. You looked back at that beautiful apartment one more time,and then finally closed the door behind you. You recall the first time you entered the building, that day you had been instructed to bond as you step into the elevator. Watching the city below through the glass,a flicker of light catches your attention, then another and you realize it’s snowing. It had been a full year since the first time you had actually spoken to him. The doorman held the door for you,as you sparked your lighter. Touching the flame to the end of your cig as you stroll down the street.

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skyandseaofsurprises · 3 years

Text

I Will Leave You Words- Kaz Brekker

Summary- A young boy and girl, met in the darkest valley, away from each other, to see the stars and moon. When they caught a glimpse of each other, they exchange and left some few words for each other.

gif is by @crowbrekker <3 so.... this is my first kaz brekker fanfic so pls be considerate lmao and my first post in tumblr, for that matter. idk i had this idea in my head so i decided to make a tumblr account in the middle of the night :) fanfic’s inspired by Je te laisserai des mots- patrick watson’s song and I LOVE IT SM AND I NEED ANGST. + i’m still half way of the books so this might be a lil ooc so sorry anyways here we go!! (i changed the age of kaz when they moved to ketterdam so instead he and jordie moved in ketterdam around the age of 5 and not 9)

What such good lies it was what came out of your mouth. Love, the most unexpected thing for such Grisha like you. A Tidemaker, and a powerful one. Your parents had died when you were a kid, and you were taken to the Darkling’s services. Such good power like yours needs help. He’d told you. You, being a scared and naive girl at the moment, didn’t see the evilness in his grey eyes, and you let him train you. For years you were in his army, fighting.

But you wouldn’t forget your life before your parents had died. You were all living in Ketterdam, and it may not be the best place to live when you are a runaway Grisha, but it was alright for you, it’d felt like home, or how you define home is.

Your parents were runaway Grishas; Inferni and Heartrender. They did not want to be a part of the war, and so they run, ran with their powerful Tidemaker child, you because they knew Darkling would want you to be in his side if he ever finds you, and that will certainly not be happening as long as your parents breathe.

While you were staying in Ketterdam, your family had lived in a small apartment, inside the shadows where no one can find you easily. You weren’t allowed to go out seeing as Ketterdam was dangerous, and your parents were the only ones to go out to get some money and food.

You obliged their orders and stayed in your apartment. The apartment was small, but it was still neat for one to live in. Whilst your apartment was located on one of the darkest alleys of Ketterdam, your apartment was tall, yet small, enough that you could see the stars twinkling underneath the shining moonlight, You’d rest your little cheeks on your smalls window and stare at it, the longing, sad stars reflecting back on your kind and tired eyes.

And then, all of the sudden, you had found a boy, lost and scared, on the alleys of your apartment. You were fast and logical enough to hide underneath your table; Remember, my child, Ketterdam and its people is not one you would trust. This man was a stranger and was probably just lost. So she hid.

She stayed there until the boy seemingly climbs to the top of the others apartment roof; using its back stairs. There the boy sat quietly and comfortably, watching the stars. You blinked, why would a young boy, your age, climb up one rooftop just to watch the stars?

You never knew why, but the boy’s name was Kaz Brekker, and his mother would sometimes take him on top of the highest grounds near their farm to watch the shooting stars. He seemingly turns around when you were peaking out the window, staring at him in awe.

He’d stared back, and he had smiled at you. You froze and felt your cheeks hit up as you subconsciously. closed your windows and flopped on your small bed.

That was the start of the nights you’d see him. And you kept seeing him.

Je te laisserai des mots I’ll leave you words

For over the years, he’d go to the alley of your apartment, to watch the stars. You guys were now 8, kids who met at 5, and you started to interact with each other for over 3 years. You’d been able to sneak out when your parents weren’t home, and lay a note on the ground of the rooftops, and wait until the unknown boy would be there, and he, too, would leave you a note of words and poems and dreams.

“Do you like the stars, too?” “Stars are wonderful, don’t you think?” “Yes! I’m Y/N L/N!” “Well, hello, I’m Kaz Rietvield.”

Every wakening of the breezing nights, you kids would interact with each other by sending little notes to each other, every night in your 3 years of friendship. You, still yet not allowed to explore the world and was only ever inside your apartment, would send him waves and smiles that could light up the world in distance. He’d blushed, look back at the stars, and would read your letters. Your smile could light up the world, seeing as it lit up his life.

Living in Ketterdam as orphans weren’t easy. Jordie Rietvield, his beloved brother he’d told you about in one of his letters, was going back and forth to jobs, just to keep them alive. Jordie had sent Kaz off to school as he works. Kaz, after schools, would go sit by the rooftop right opposite where Y/N’s window is and would leave her notes about his day.

Everything was alright in their little world. Until it wasn’t.

Y/N’s parents were dead. They caught the Queen’s Plague. It seems as though Kaz Rietvield and Jordie Rietvield had, too. The last time she’d seen them was when they were taking their bodies out on the ocean.

You’d cried. He was dead. Her friend from the other sides of the stars and darkness was dead.

You snuck off a ship headed towards Ravka, and when you were sent off to Keramzin, you had been tested as a Grisha and was taken to Os Alta, where they trained you in combat and how to use your Tidemaker magic- or science- or whatever, you never really cared. As for Darkling, he’d become your mentor, like a father. He’d tell you stories he uses to know when he was a kid and will help you in your Tidemaker skills.

En sous de ta porte Underneath your door

You were living a good life, but you never forgot the face of one dead person. Kaz Rietvield. You’d still send letters on Ketterdam, even if it was pointless to send letters to a dead man. You always addressed it to that apartment and made sure the letters were sent. You were being crazy; sending notes to someone who would never. . . no, who could never, again, read your letters, your stories, your dreams, and the stars.

After the wars of Ravka, you travelled around the world, in disguise, still. You is still yet to trust everyone after what happened to the Darkling. After you went to different places of the world, your last destination was Ketterdam, the home of the lost, the home of the stars, and your home.

En sous de la lune qui chante Underneath the singing moon

Whilst you were in the ship headed towards Ketterdam, you were looking at the sea, where your parents’ and a certain young boy’s body now lied within. You slowly bent down, the tip of your nails touching the seawater as you started to play with it, tears forming on your eyes. You were in the middle of the ocean, above was the moon, and you started singing for the lonely, peaceful moon.

It wasn’t great to be back on the sea of the dead beloved ones.

When you arrived at Ketterdam, the first thing you had noticed was it was darker, now as dark as the once alley of your apartment where you- Again, there it was again, thinking about the dead. Everything seems to remind you of him.

And so, you went straight to that alley of where you lived, seeing it pitched black. Of course. You’d grinned. You looked up at the starry sky and see the twinkling eyes you once dreamed of seeing again in your Ravka days. It feels good to be back.

Tout près de la place où tes pieds passent Near the place where your feet pass by

You stayed in the middle of that alley, not noticing a dark shadow watching you over your apartment’s roof. That shadow seemingly furrowed their eyebrows when you decided to walk to the stairs of your neighbors' house, where you dreamed of going to just to see a certain boy.

Because of the dark, starry nights years ago, you never truly saw what he looked like, but you knew he had ebony hair, and a smile you will never once forget.

When you arrived, you saw that your letter wasn’t there, and started to look everywhere, eventually climbing on the rooftop. There it was in front of you, the most beautiful shooting stars you’d ever seen. Wow, you thought. This was the best view of the stars in Ketterdam, no wonder he chose to pick this spot. You smiled to yourself, looking at your apartment’s window, seeing it empty. You smiled sadly, imagining your old self looking back at you, the orange light behind you making your whole body more noticeable. And then you realized, that boy knows how you looked like, but you don’t even know how he looks like.

You eventually left that valley. You decided to go to the place where they delivered letters around the world until you passed a club, a dark but loud club.

The Crow Club.

The Crow Club. That’s a funny name, you’d thought. You went inside and heard people gambling, drinking, and just having fun. You smiled to yourself, even in that pain and suffering you felt and saw 2 years ago, in the war, you were still the girl you once were.

You decided to go to the bar side of the club and ordered a drink. You tied your magical hair in a low ponytail as you waited for your drink until a Zemeni man had appeared beside you.

“And what’s a pretty lady doing here, all alone?” The Zemeni tried to flirt with you, adjusting his coat and ordering a drink.

You smiled kindly at him, taking your drink as you look at him, “Thanks for the flattery, Zemeni. Y/N.” she said.

The boy smirked at you, “Jesper Fahey, at your service.” he winked playfully again. You did not notice five sets of eyes looking directly at you and one boy whose eyes stayed on yours for the rest of the night.

He remembers. He remembered all of it. Your letters. Your dreams. Your hair. Your smile. Your eyes. The stars. . . all of it. He didn’t need a reason, but when it comes to you, he had every reason why you were the most amazing and spectacular girl ever.

His crows found your letters scattered on Kaz’s table when they were planning their Ice Court Heist, and he was forced to tell them who you were, (after some death glances and threatening threats.) He remembers it all like it was yesterday.

Kaz Brekker also remembers that day, when he was alone in the sea, the body of his brother dead, as he thought of you to keep him calm, as he thought of you. . . as he made you his reason to live.

When he was back ashore, Jordie had haunted him, and he couldn’t go back to you anymore, not knowing you had already left. And so, years later, when he’d finally become Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel, he came back to that dark alley, seeing all your letters from Ravka.

Caché dans les trous de temps d’hiver Hidden in the holes of wintertime

He kept all of it. Hidden. Safe. It was his one memory of you, and if that letters got destroyed, you would only be living in Kaz’s head, full of memories of Jordie and revenge, and he couldn’t bear to make that happen.

Kaz never replied. You were safe. Alive. And that is what he wants.

Until he saw you in the bar, until his brown eyes looked into your Y/E/C’s. Until he saw you, truly, not the girl hiding behind her window. Until he saw you close. Until you were finally there.

And yet, Kaz still felt like you were stars and oceans away from each other. Maybe it was always like that. Darkness and distance in between you and him. Maybe it was bound to happen, either way.

But Kaz didn’t want to believe that, and he actually convinced himself that he was cursed, never to loved, and to be loved. The memories of Jordie came flooding in, the water drowning him again.

Until you looked back at him with that smile of yours he used to remember. One that reminded him of the stars. One that reminded him of a boy that once loved the stars and one girl who also loved the stars.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, and Inej Ghafa, his wraith, who was sitting across from Nina Zenik, planning the heist, looked at the frozen man on the stairs.

She smiled softly; she knew you. Kaz would always send her to get some important letters of his on a dark alley, where you were an hour ago, and she saw you.

Kaz was still looking at you. And you were looking at him. Now, the water was gone, Jordie’s haunting eyes were gone, and it was just you. And your wonderful smile.

Et quand tu es seule pendant un instant And when you’re alone for a moment

Unbeknownst to you, you didn’t know he was the infamous Kaz Brekker, named like a boy you once knew, Kaz Rietvield, but you didn’t need to know that. He didn’t need you to know that. Kaz Brekker would fall if you left him again, and so, he approached you after composing himself.

He was Kaz Brekker and you were Y/N L/N. Not Kaz Rietvield and Y/N L/N.

Kaz promised to himself he would send you notes and letters, but he couldn’t find himself to do so. He didn’t want you seeing the boy who had once loved the starry sky, now a monster full of revenge. A greedy man of power and money.

He wanted you to remember that boy you met years ago to be the same boy. Kaz Rietvield was dead, Brekker wasn’t.

“Would you leave me words, too? ‘Cause I feel like I’m the only one contributing to this friendship.” “I promise, then. I will leave you words as you do.” “Hooray! Now, look at the stars! It’s a new one! The brightest!”

I will leave you words. You and Rietvield promised each other, but not Brekker. Oh, no. This was another love story to tell in another lifetime.

Embrasse moi Quand tu voudras

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yoonieboonie · 3 years

Text

The Substitute Lover (3)

word count: 2.2k

genre: fluff, angst hehe

pairing: myg x reader

summary: Finally meeting the college boy you've been eyeing on for months, everything goes wrong when you realise what you're really getting yourself into.

a/n: this is part 3!!! i finally, finally figured out the whole masterlist thing! anyway, is it alright if i ask for feedback? because it honestly keeps me going and i’ve been writing non-stop bc of the hearts and reblogs you’ve given me. thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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You didn’t sleep a wink that night. What has gotten into Yoongi and he decided to take you to that date? It was clear as day that you didn’t win against him. Your score are tied up, all because you forgot who Plato is. You plop your head on a pillow and let out a muffled scream. Who forgets Plato on a Humanities class? Your eyes trail to the bedside table, watching the big hand of the clock tick the minutes away. Not long after, you realise that it is already morning, and you recall how cold Yoongi’s voice was when he reminded you not to be late. You quickly jumped off the bed and prepared for the day. You presumed that Yoongi didn’t have classes today. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have asked you to push through with the “date”. On the other hand, you are going to miss a whole day of class. The wind was cold on your skin as you step out your apartment building. You hugged your coat to your chest, adjusting your backpack, remembering Namjoon’s stare each time you use it. It was no surprise to them that you are not fashionable, despite that, they didn’t push their opinion on your fashion choices any further. Walking to the gate, you noticed that it was almost 9:00am. Five minutes to spare. There he was though, in his mighty glory. Your eyes widened at the thought of him waiting for you. It was bad enough that you forced him on this date, furthermore let him wait for you. You half-jogged to where he was. Panting, you started to speak. “Sorry for being late. Have you been waiting long?” Yoongi stayed silent, only eyeing you up and down. He nodded his head and started to stalk out of the campus. You followed him quietly trying to practice in your head how you’d initiate a conversation with him. With your thoughts drifting, you noticed he skidded to a stop once you got to the waiting shed. You both are going to wait for a bus, you concluded. Once the bus arrived, he still refused to talk to you. This was going horrible so far. You were not having the time of your life and he mirrors that too. You took a seat beside him and tried to shake the thought away. Maybe he would open up soon, you decided to be a little more patient. You decided to try one more time and take out your phone. Carefully, you plugged in your earbuds, looking over Yoongi who kept his gaze straight ahead. You meekly tap his shoulder and offered to share it. He glanced briefly and shook his head. You slump in your seat. This was a really bad idea. “We shouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry for forcing you to go.” You stood up, getting ready to alight on the next bus stop. A wrist shoots up and gently grabs your arm. “Where are you going?” He questioned. His first words to you today. Wow. Sighing, you sat again and faced him. You did want to go on a date with him, but not forcibly. “Let’s just go back to the campus. I’m sure Hoseok and Namjoon might be—“ “They won’t.” “How are you sure?” You ask, genuinely curious. “We have classes today. I just skipped.” He explained nonchalantly. Your mouth formed into an O, trying to suppress the crimson red that’s trying to creep onto your cheeks. You can’t help but think that he might’ve wanted this too as much as you did. It sent a foreign feeling to your heart. Subconsciously, you held a hand to it. Noticing this, Yoongi lifted an eyebrow. “Is something the matter with you?” “No, I’m alright. I’m sorry for making you miss class.” You bowed your head. “Stop,” Yoongi spoke. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.”

As soon as you saw the castle that signals the entrance of the theme park, you ran as fast as you can, momentarily forgetting that you had company. You stared at everything with glee, almost jumping at every sight. Yoongi watched you as he walked towards the same direction. “Let’s go.” You hear him mutter behind you as he finally catches up, breaking into your trance. Both of you lined up to get tickets, Yoongi watches as you clumsily swing your backpack in front in attempt to retrieve your wallet. While rummaging through your things, Yoongi contemplated on what he was about to offer. He did agree to go to whatever this was, but mostly because he wanted to prove Hoseok and Namjoon wrong. That he is indeed capable of moving on and if this stupid date was a proof for that then be it. However, he also didn’t want to make you hope. Yoongi also has a heart.

“I’ll pay.” Yoongi was surprised by his own voice. You looked up, your already doe eyes getting magnified more by your glasses, he let out a small “tsk” as he repeated what he said. Were you deaf? The problem wasn’t that you had bad hearing, but it was because you heard him crystal clear. “No, it’s okay.” You softly smiled, making Yoongi look away. He didn’t want to look at you anymore, it was intriguing but he decided that he wanted this day to be over with. You are making it difficult for him, he thought, but sadly, he has no idea why. He reached out to push your wallet back in your bag. Then after, turning to the cashier to buy two tickets. He handed you one and went in first. The theme park was everything that you expected. The enormous rides, different carts of food to munch on, candies, balloons, and colorful gift shops. You felt overwhelmed by everything. You want to try them all, your eyes practically twinkling with delight. Yoongi can tell you’re holding yourself back so he decided to speak first. “Where do you want to go first?” He asked. You pointed to the gift shop to which he nodded. You both made your way inside and your attention was immediately captured by the variety of headbands mounted to the wall. You grab one, pink bunny ears, to be exact. You quickly try it on, looking over to Yoongi who had a blank expression on his face. You shrugged it off; he doesn’t really seem the type to like these kinds of things. On the other side, Yoongi wants to kick himself for his heart was beating so loudly, if it can burst in his chest, he was pretty sure it will. He tried to keep a blank expression on his face as he watch you pay for the headband that you decided to leave on through the day. The next stop was rides, you were skeptical of asking Yoongi to come with you but it dawned on you that you wanted this so the best you may do is make the most out of it. That’s when you grab Yoongi’s jacket sleeve, dragging him to various rides. He let you drag him, not one complaint from him.

After about five rides, you both were exhausted. It was around noon and you were both hungry too. Since Yoongi paid for the tickets, it’s only fair for you to buy the food. So as you both take a seat at an empty table at the park’s food court, you excused yourself to use the restroom when you actually went to but hotdogs and soda instead. Yoongi noticed that you took a while; he tried to ignore the worry building inside him especially when you revealed that you were new in Seoul and was from Daegu all your life. Did you get lost? He checked his watch and when he concluded that you were taking too long, he prepared to stand up and gather his things when he saw you trying to juggle a tray of food in your hands. You walked towards him and placed the food on the table. You placed the hotdog and a can of soda in front of him and beamed. “Eat well, Yoongi. Thank you for taking me here.” Yoongi said nothing but started to eat. You did as well but you wanted to know more about him so you tried to initiate a small talk. “How old are you?” you asked, taking a sip from your soda. He stayed silent so you took that as a cue to speak again. “I’m 23. Taking up Bachelor of Science Major in Business Administration. Born and raised in the farmlands of Daegu.” You chatter away when you noticed him playing with the pendant of the necklace he was wearing. Your eyes watch his slender fingers twirl it around, clearly uncomfortable with the ongoing conversation. “Is that hers?” You boldly asked. His hands halted to a stop, dropping on the table. You notice him tense up and look away. “It’s none of your business, Y/N. Please don’ bring it up again.” He stated icily. You frankly felt bad for imposing on him like that. He wasn’t obligated to tell you anything. You felt absolutely horrible and wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. Instead, you cleared your throat and started to apologise. “I’m sorry for asking such a personal question, Yoongi. It’s just, I want to get to know you more and I overstepped a line. Again, I am sincerely sorry.” He stood up and you did too. He cleared up the wrappers and empty cans of soda and headed to the trash bin. You were staring at his back while he did so, before you ran your big mouth, you already convinced him to ride inside the waterpark. He initially refused since he didn’t bring spare clothes but so did you. “Let’s go, Yoongi.” You nod your head to the exit. He looked at you, a confused look on his face. “I thought you want to enter the waterpark?” He asked. Strapping the both of you in, the park attendant reminded you the basics. It is basically a log that will bring you to a certain height and zoom you down to a puddle of water. You can feel your adrenaline rushing through your veins as you’re nearing the drop. As you sped down the slope, you screamed with glee and grabbed onto Yoongi’s hands that was already in the railings. A flash blinded you for a second and before you knew it, you are drenched in water. You stepped off the ride, looking like a wet duckling. Yoongi looked ten times worse, you cringed. You had forced him on this ride despite him warning you about your lack of extra clothes. You shiver slightly as you try to rub your arms in attempt to get warmth. You are failing big time and Yoongi can hear your teeth chattering. Your nose and cheeks now flushed from the cold, you both decided to enter another gift shop. Inside, you noticed that there was a booth that took pictures of the passengers of the ride. The attendant called out to you and Yoongi and offered to show you a picture. Yoongi, as polite as he can, declined and you pouted. You playfully glared at him and asked the attendant if you could see the picture. You wait patiently as the picture was being printed out, handing out the payment. You quickly put it inside your bag for safe keeping. You the proceed to Yoongi who was looking at sweaters that had big bold letters saying “MY OTHER SHIRT GOT WET SO I GOT THIS” and you noticed him holding two in his hand. The notion that you two might have couples clothing made you smile. You both paid for the shirt and head to the nearest restroom to change. The sweater, though the smallest size, ate you up. You were really small, Yoongi noticed. You eyed him up and down. “You look dashing, Yoongi.” “Thanks, it’s the shirt.” He smirked. You were about to say something back when his phone rang. One look at the screen and panic stretched across his face. He held out a finger to you, signaling you to wait for a while as he answered the call. You nodded, also worried for whoever was calling him. He slowly started walking away but he picked up while he was still in earshot. “Jagi?” he breathed. ---------------------------------------------------------

Fairytales are too good to be true anyways. You tell yourself as you kicked a pebble on your way to the bus stop. Yoongi after picking up the call was frantic, not knowing the right words to say. If you remember it correctly, all he was trying to let you know is that he had to go. You, of course, let him.

Stepping into your apartment, you beeline to the bathroom to wash up and head to bed. You were exhausted to the bone. You were getting ready to shower when you saw your reflection at the mirror. You gave out a bitter smile at the sweater you’re wearing, stripping it off, hoping you could also strip off the heaviness you feel inside your heart.

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#myg x reader #yoongi x you #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #yoongi #suga x reader #suga x you #bts #yoongi angst

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annaofthenorthernlights · 2 years

Text

Feel and reason

Fanfiction, Frozen modern AU

Pairing: Kristoff / Anna

Rating: T

Word counting: 2653

This is fluff.... and then, some angst, but only a little...

Find the fic on AO3

Chapter 5

They sat by the window and enjoyed the familiar cosiness of the Trattoria, the good food and the obligated glass of red wine. But then above all, though more likely subconsciously, it was the amiable company of the other that brought them both some pleasant sensation.

Anna leaned back in her chair and sighed contentedly. “What a day, right? I´m so glad we´re here now. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this."

“Yes, what a day, indeed. And that´s why you deserve the treat. To be honest, I think this is a good way of rounding up today´s venture. So… you´re welcome.” Kristoff leaned back in his chair, too, and smirked, simply content.

“Oh yes! And I still can´t believe this has all worked out so well.” Anna pulled up her shoulders with a wonderous sigh. “I hope to master my work soon to keep up with you guys.”

“Don´t tell me you doubt yourself? I´m sure you´ll do a great job.” Kristoff pushed off the backrest only to brace his arms on the table and crooking his head. “So, please tell me. How did you get in contact with Oaken in the first place?”

“Oh, basically, that´s very easy. You told me about your job back at the bar, and I was simply curious. So, later I looked up the firm on my mobile internet. And there was this job advertise, and I called the next day, well that was about it.” Anna shrugged and grinned.

“Yes, you really did it.” Kristoff studied her quietly.

“Yeah. Well, I´m still sorry for not saying anything about it.”

“Uhm… don´t worry about that anymore, okay?”

“Okay!”

And they toasted to officially celebrate Anna´s job commitment.

And then, Kristoff´s mobile buzzed. Surprised, he glanced at Anna with a raised eyebrow, and she giggled, “No, I´m not texting you.”

Kristoff chuckled and looked at the screen even more surprised, it was his mother calling.

“Yes, mom?” His voice cheery casually.

---

“What?!” Kristoff sounded alarmed and his stare bewildered.

---

“Why? Since when?” He asked disturbed.

---

“Yes, of course, I´m coming!” He said shaken, only to stare at the black screen, then slowly raising his eyes to meet Anna´s concerned gaze, while he had turned all pale.

“Goodness, Kristoff! What happened?”

“My grandfather is at the hospital. Apparently, a stroke or the like. They´re not sure yet. He´s in a critical state on the intensity care ward.”

Anna had watched the colour drain from Kristoff´s face while her own heart became heavy upon that sight. And she thought intuitively about the only right thing to do.

“Hang on!” Anna got up and went over to the bar counter and talked to their waiter. Kristoff raised from his chair completely confused and grabbed their jackets. He didn´t even understand what Anna was doing, when she came over and laid a reassuring hand to his arm.

“Come on. Let´s go.” She said quietly.

He only stared at her.

Anna squeezed his wrist. “Give me the car keys, please!”

“Wait, what?”

“I won´t let you drive in the state you are. Come on.”

---

On their drive to the hospital, Anna learned that Kristoff´s grandfather was very close to him. When he was still little his parents were working very hard to make their living, and Grand Pabbie had cared for him a lot and taught him so much about life and friendship. It was difficult to explain in words what the man meant to him.

Anna listened while driving and occasionally glanced over caringly to the man on the passenger seat. What else could she do? She felt very sorry. It was horrible to get such terrifying news… And some memory made her chest clench slightly, but now, this was not about her, and she drove on, relieved when the hospital came in sight.

When they reached the floor of the intensity care ward a couple in their maybe mid-fifties got up from their seats when Anna and Kristoff came along.

The woman came straight towards them and hugged Kristoff tight, though she reached barely up to his chest. She looked so kind and concerned. Anna felt so sorry for them. The man stood nearby and noticed the girl standing a bit aside from his son and friendly nodded towards her, speaking a quiet ´Hello´, and Anna nodded back with a smile.

“Kristoff, thank you so much for coming. Grand Pabbie has asked for you.” The woman whispered up to her son.

“Hey, my boy, good to see you.” The man hugged his son, too, and Anna felt her stomach clenching for a brief second. How genuinely caring they seemed with each other.

“How is he doing?” Kristoff asked quietly.

“We don´t have any further news, but we had a chance to speak to him briefly. He´s weary and can´t talk so much. But surely you´ll be allowed in for a moment.”

Then, Bulda Bjorgman glanced at Anna and then back at Kristoff, and he motioned for Anna to step closer.

“Oh, Mom, Dad, this is Anna. She´s a… well…”

Anna approached them sensitively, “I´m an acquaintance and since today Kristoff´s working colleague. Nice to meet you, despite the circumstances.” Anna spoke tenderly and shook Mr. and Mrs. Bjorgman’s hands with a sympathetic glance.

“Anna was so kind to drive us here.”

“That´s really kind of you, indeed.” Cliff Bjorgman stated gratefully.

Kristoff was allowed to see his grandfather, and that was rather difficult for him. His chest felt clenching and when he stepped closer to the bed, he fought the knot in his throat upon seeing his dear Grand Pabbie so pale and tired. There were several infusions running through his veins and an oxygen plug was intubated to his nose, while the monitor on the wall beeped with constant changing numbers, symbols, and rhythms´ lines. It was so distressing.

He bent over the old man and touched his hand, when his grandfather opened his eyes and smiled faintly at the boy.

“Kristoff! My boy...” It was a mere whisper, but the man still glanced at his grandson with affection.

“Grand Pabbie. How are you?”

“Hmmm.”

Kristoff swallowed hard and fought a tear, which didn´t go unnoticed and his old grandfather raised an eyebrow though barely visible.

“Now, now, lad… Say… who´s that?” His eyes had turned to the window towards the hallway.

Kristoff blinked and didn´t understand first, then followed Grand Pabbie´s gaze to notice Anna standing with his mom by the window, while Bulda seemed to explain something to Anna who nodded understandingly laying a hand on his mother´s arm. Kristoff turned back to Grand Pabbie and smiled quietly.

“That´s Anna.”

“Lovely.”

“Yes, she is.”

“Your girlfriend?” He spoke so slowly, but then the man´s eyes lit up and it seemed that his skin glowed upon the question.

“Well… “

Goodness!

Kristoff knew that Grand Pabbie lived for love and making his family nurse their love to one another and that he so hoped for Kristoff to find someone to love and who would love him truthfully in return. He couldn´t lie to his grandfather...

But would not that very prospect ever so delight him?

“Hang on, Grand Pabbie. You must meet her.”

A slight nod and the old man´s face lit up even more. That was close to scary. And Kristoff prayed he did the right thing, not exaggerating his grandpa too much. He meant well and only wanted to make Grand Pabbie happy.

When he exited the room, he gave Anna a sign and took her a bit aside.

“I´m really sorry. But could you do me a favour?” He pressed his lips and scratched at the back of his neck, rather nervously.

Anna looked at him concerned because he seemed truly worried, and she felt so sorry.

“Of course, what is it?”

"This might sound strange, but... you know... Grand Pabbie saw you standing there and now thinks you're my girlfriend, and I know it would make him very happy to know that I.... well..."

"... That you're in good hands?" explained Anna quietly, and Kristoff nodded silently with that uncertain look if he was even allowed to dare asking her such a thing.

Oh… my goodness! Should this dear man die... then happy by knowing that his wish had been granted... how could she deny him this favour?

And Anna nodded with a smile.

"I understand. Come on." She said softly, and together they went back into the room, while whispered his ´thanks´ to her. Kristoff´s parents stood puzzled about that short conversation, but instinctively trusting their son when they watched the scene from the hallway.

“Grand Pabbie, this is Anna.” He spoke so softly, and his lowly voice touched the girl at his side.

“Good day Sir.” Anna smiled at Grand Pabbie.

The old man looked at the young woman for a while and Anna wasn´t sure what to do, so, she simply kept smiling. Those eyes were kind and his features so friendly. Then, Grand Pabbie turned his gaze vaguely at Kristoff and whispered slowly.

“A fine lass.” And then back at Anna, “take care of the lad…” Anna quickly exchanged a glance with Kristoff, who fought with a tear, and so, Anna turned back to look at Grand Pabbie with a fondly smile, nodding silently.

Nodding silently… was that a lie? No…

Kristoff had laid his arm lightly around Anna´s shoulder and stared at her in admiration.

Gosh, that feels so true… Why does that feel so true?

Grand Pabbie´s gaze turned into a vague grin and then the two young people could have sworn that he just winked at them? But then, he sighed and drifted back to sleep, while the monitor kept beeping in regular tones. And that´s when the nurse came in, asking the young couple to please leave the room because the patient needed to rest now.

They stayed another while with Kristoff´s parents and Anna asked if she could get them a coffee or anything.

“Oh, no, dear. You two really don´t need to stay with us. Kristoff, we will let you know about any change, alright?”

His father recommended for them to go now, after all they had to get up early for work!

---

They drove back in silence and when Kristoff escorted Anna to the hotel lobby, they stood a bit forlorn, neither of them knowing right away what to say, when they started both at the same time then.

“A drink?”

They both chuckled somewhat shyly, and Anna nodded towards the bar.

“What about a coffee? Unless of course you prefer to go home and rather be alone? You tell.”

Kristoff looked at her gratefully for her consideration. “Coffee would be nice.”

And they sat down at one of those little tables when Kristoff suddenly got struck by memory.

“Wait!”

“What?”

“Did you actually pay the bill for our dinner before?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Oh shit!”

“Oh, don´t you worry about that, really!” Anna said quietly and reassuringly laid a hand on his, the touch giving him the goosebumps. After standing so nearby her in the hospital, this sort of closeness was now irritatingly wonderful…

“But I…”

“Seriously Kristoff, don´t bother about it.” She looked at him with genuine concern and laid both her hands in her lap now, asking with a quiet voice.

“How are you?”

“I don´t know.”

“I´m really sorry and hope the best, you know.”

“Thanks, Anna.”

“Hm.”

“I mean, thank you. That was some kind act of yours before.”

“You´re welcome. Seemed to me that your idea made your grandfather truly happy. So, I guess that was a good moment.”

“Yes.”

“Kristoff, this is really none of my concern, it´s just…” Anna trailed off, suddenly uncertain if she should continue.

“What?” Kristoff crooked his head and when the waiter came over, they ordered each a coffee and then, Anna sighed and bit her lips.

“Do you think there was more you wanted to say to your Grand Pabbie?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… In case he…” She looked away now and swallowed hard. Shit, she should not have touched this dreadful topic… Feeling bad now Anna lowered her face and kneaded her fingers in her lap.

“Hey, Anna.” Kristoff´s voice affectionately reaching her ears.

She sighed again, looked up and then blinked a tear away.

“Please don´t get me wrong. I do hope your grandfather will be alright again, really. But then, you never know… you never know if it could be the last goodbye.”

She was right, so damn right! And then… so considerate, and so honest!

“I know...” He spoke very quietly. “No, Anna, all was said.” He gazed at her, wondering, when she seemed so truly touched.

“Anna… Did you miss saying goodbye… then?”

Anna couldn’t answer right away, she only blinked at the man sitting next to her and who had asked her trustfully to pretend being his girlfriend only to make his old grandfather happy. She felt so tenderly drawn to this kindness right now. And then, what if things had been different three years ago… But she could not turn back the clock. So, she nodded and then explained.

“My parents were scientists and sank with their ship during a bad storm in the northern Atlantic. It all happened very fast, and rescue came too late. They sank to the bottom of the sea and were never found. The thought has then hunted me for a long time that I could not say goodbye properly.”

Kristoff sat staring at this lovely girl who had just an hour ago so kindly agreed to go along with his little lie to make his fading grandfather happy. On their first night at the bar, she had told him briefly that her parents had died, but not much more because she changed the topic then. And now… He didn´t know what to say and simply laid a hand to her shoulder, squeezing slightly. She smiled and then shrugged with a sigh.

“Last year, Elsa and I chartered a ship that took us to the spot where they were suspected to have drowned. And then, we held a little ceremony for ourselves to imagine it was our own little family gathering. That helped and I felt relieved afterwards.”

“Yes. I believe you.”

“I´m sorry. I didn´t mean to bother you with this or make you feel worse now. I mean, however things turnout. There is always a way, right?”

Yes, there is. And, Anna, you don´t bother me. Thanks for sharing this important moment.”

Their coffees were served, and they nipped at the brewery in silence for a while.

“Does your grandfather normally live with your parents?”

“Yes. But then I don´t know what will happen in case he can leave the hospital. Well, we´ll have to figure out then, what to do, depending on his state.”

“Hm. Yes, of course.”

They mused over the question what changes this night might bring, when they suddenly stared at each other. What if Grand Pabbie got out of the hospital? Of course, that would be awesome, but then…

Anna bit her lips and her eyes now flickered nervously from side to side, and Kristoff´s eyes grew wider and wider.

“Shit, Anna, I haven´t thought of that.”

“Don´t you think your grandfather would understand if you explained?” She tilted her head quizzically and couldn´t help but chuckle slightly.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Kristoff now scratched the back of his neck, then shaking his head with a goofy grin himself.

"What was I thinking, dragging you in like that?"

“Kristoff, you acted spontaneously and out of a heart´s affect by asking me for this favour, and I think that´s really sweet in the first place.”

He stared at her and sighed.

“Thank you.”

“Don´t worry about that. I´m more concerned about you right now.”

“What you mean?”

“It´s late now. You still want to drive home and then be all alone?”

Kristoff stared at her in disbelief, and Anna lowered her face, kneaded her hands in her lap, only to look back up with such a genuine face.

“You don´t need to be on your own tonight.”

What? Was she serious...?

He was simply speechless, and then her words were so kind, “you can stay with me, if you like.”

And he swallowed the knot in his throat because this was the sweetest offer ever.

“That´d be nice.”

#Fanfic #Kristanna modern AU #Frozen AU #friends to lovers trope #some angst #Kristoff #Anna #Bulda #Grand Pabbie

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suganovakawa · 4 years

Text

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader

GENRE : angst , romance

WARNINGS : cursing , implied car accident

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐖𝐎 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑 .

it wasn’t your fault seijoh lost to karasuno . . . so why did tooru look so mad at you ?

word count : 2.3k

saudade masterlist.

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀you were right.

⠀karasuno did practice a lot.

⠀holy shit, when did they become this good?

⠀goddammit, why did you have to be right?

⠀you could see the struggle your team was going through with the first set. oikawa told them to not underestimate the underdog team, but you could tell there was a subconscious feeling of pride in their chests from beating them in the preliminaries months ago. but like tooru said, there was no point in you making any interjections; just be the cute little manager, and everything should go smooth sailing from there.

⠀the karasuno first years were noticeably better. everyone in the gym, players and regular spectators alike, could see it. namely, the setter and that peculiar middle blocker. you remembered them vaguely from the prelims; oikawa disliked them, the setter in particular. number nine - tobio kageyama, from kitagawa daiichi.

⠀you watched one of kageyama's middle school games with tooru, before you two started dating. the infamous "king of the court"; you didn't realize it was meant to be derogatory until you witnessed the setter in action. tooru seemed somewhat smug with his actions on the court, bossing everyone around and setting without much thought for the other players' preferences. the court was a kingdom, and kageyama was at the top of the monarchy - that kingdom would soon be his downfall.

⠀you've never heard of the short middle blocker until the start of the preliminaries. you originally thought he was a water boy or an assistant to the team until you saw his jersey. your next assumption was a pinch server or even a defense specialist.

⠀no, he was on the starting lineup.

⠀right in the middle block position.

⠀you were beyond surprised with the kid. their quick attack was a force to be reckoned with. you weren't there the day of the practice match, so this was your first time being exposed to karasuno's secret weapon. those crows were no longer flightless. you still sometimes marvel at the fact seijoh managed to seal the third set. the next loss against shiratorizawa felt more disheartening than usual, after having to fight so hard for it.

⠀the entirety of the last set had you on the edge of your seat. for the entire game you were doing something; whether you joined in on the audience chants, handing out water bottles and towels, or even giving some friendly words of encouragement. you attempted to talk to your boyfriend during timeouts, but he was completely uninterested, his focus only on the game.

⠀by now, the other players caught onto his neglect towards you, and did their best to support you in any way they could. yahaba mainly kept you company during the game, since he was a pinch server. during timeouts, makki and mattsun would give you pats on the shoulder during timeouts, taking every opportunity to thank you whenever you did something for them. as for iwaizumi - he gave you the most attention during timeouts. the ace hardly left your side, even while the captain explained something to the entire team. you were thankful for hajime's friendliness, but there was still a sharp pain in your chest from tooru. the wall that separated the two of you grew more with each day, and you still hadn't figured out a way to break it.

⠀"you got this, seijoh!" you raised an enthusiastic fist in the air when the whistle called for the end to another timeout. the lineup turned to face you, each of them giving you a thumbs-up and a smile in acknowledgement. you looked to your brunet boyfriend, who mustered a small smile and a nod of his head before returning to the court.

⠀aoba johsai was already at match point - victory was so close, couldn't they just push for one more?

⠀the opposing school looked like they reached a second wind at the very end, something that seijoh did not need at a moment like this. karasuno pulled stunt after stunt; the players could hardly keep up with every move. your eyes are locked on oikawa, pupils shaking with fear as kageyama scored a deuce with a notorious setter dump - you felt the apprehension as tooru's jaw grew physically taut for being bested by a first year.

⠀and just when you thought it couldn't get any worse -

⠀your mind went blank when your eyes witnessed tooru's arms miss the final receive.

⠀your brain went numb as the gym went silent, eyes on the ball that flew out of bounds, with no possible way of passing back into the game. karasuno screamed for joy but your ears blocked out the sound like a busted speaker, watching the cloud of disappointment rain over the players on your side of the court, one by one.

⠀aoba johsai... lost.

⠀and it wasn't to shiratorizawa.

⠀you could hardly process the information as you stood up to join the team in paying respects to the game, watching as seijoh thanked their audience for coming to support them. a lump caught in your throat as you watched the team walked back with little to no pep in their step, grabbing their belongings silently and walking out the gym. their eyes were glossy with disappointment.

⠀you jogged up to the brunet as he came back from searching for any other teammates lagging behind, swallowing the nervous lump as you spoke, your voice filled with concern.

⠀"tooru, you did great out there," you reassured him. by the look in his eyes, he didn't buy it. "you did amazing today, and i'm so proud of you."

⠀"please get out of my way, y/n." he shrugged you off and continued to walk towards the bus, his hands shoved in his pockets as he trudged along. he's upset, it's understandable. even so, the painful heaviness in your chest came back as you made your own way to the bus.

⠀the ride back home was a quiet one, the vehicle driving to aoba johsai quickly. the disheartening atmosphere was suffocating your lungs, your eyes fighting back your own share of tears as you watched the players step out onto the pavement, their eyes sullen and dull. kyoutani and kunimi were the first to leave, the latter wishing the rest a goodnight before turning heel and walking home. as for the former, he hardly did so much as grumble before sprinting off. the remaining ones stood there in silence for a few moments, their next plans unclear.

⠀the ramen restaurant was supposed to be a joke - the captain wasn't supposed to treat them to anything but a trip to nationals. but with defeat hung heavy in the air like a dark fog, even ramen couldn't bring them back up into their spirits.

⠀kindaichi and the rest of the second years were the next to leave, their wishes of departure nothing more than mutters as they braved a strong facade in their eyes. it was a general agreement amongst the players that the ramen date would come another day; for now, everything that happened today just needed more time to settle.

⠀"tooru, we should get going soon - " after waving a few people goodbye, you spun to where the third year previously was, only to find that he was no longer there. you turned to hajime, who pointed to the doors leading into seijoh. you looked quick enough to catch a glimpse of brown hair disappearing into the school before the door shut. you and the other third years collectively agreed to follow oikawa into the gym - god knows what he was planning to do there.

⠀you walked into the gym first, watching with a solemn expression as you watched the setter attempt to put up the net all on his own. he seemed hardly fazed at the sound of the gym doors opening, ignoring the others as he continued.

⠀iwa was the first person to step forward, and you watched as the ace moved to help oikawa in setting up the net. makki and mattsun followed suit not long after him. you didn't exactly know how to help with the net, and thus had to sit to the side as the four began to play two on two, their voices gone and the scrimmage as good as mute. you sat on the side, spectating the match with your arms around your knees. you felt no obligation to go home - not yet.

⠀about an hour had passed, and the third years had enough. two on two was much more work than six on six, and everyone besides oikawa was ready to call it quits. his eyes were focused even when the rest stepped off the court, grabbing a ball to serve again.

⠀"oikawa, that's enough." no answer.

⠀"oikawa."

⠀hajime clenched his jaw as he was blatantly ignored by his teammate, but you stood up before he could do anything else. he watched as you made your way over to your boyfriend, wanting to actually talk to him after the stressful day. step by step, you approached him as he practiced his jump serve, his brown eyes flamed with frustration and anger as he moved to pick up another one.

⠀"tooru, please." you stopped him before he could grab another ball, your voice gentle as you addressed him. the others were silent. "it's been a long day. please, let yourself rest. after an amazing match like today, you deserve time to - "

⠀"amazing? amazing?" you jumped back instinctively as he gripped the ball, turning his body to face you entirely. this glare was more intense than any other nasty look he's given you in the past. "what about that game was amazing? the fact that we lost? you think that part was fucking amazing, huh?"

⠀your stomach dropped. "no, tooru, that's not what i meant - "

⠀"you fucking tell me what part of that game was amazing then, y/n!" he slammed the volleyball he held towards the ground, his voice raising higher by the second. "i failed to take us to tokyo. i failed to lead our team to victory. i failed to secure another god forsaken match against shiratorizawa!" he stormed towards you, his eyes ablaze and uncontrollable. "and you have the audacity to tell me that it was amazing? are you stupid?"

⠀"i just want you to rest! you're always pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion! is that so wrong of me to care about your wellbeing?" you found a voice to yell back at him, but retracted it oh so slightly when you noticed his mood worsen. "listen, tooru! you have to take care of yourself, dammit! you did the best you could, and that's all that matters! seijoh's loss against karasuno doesn't take away from the fact that you're an outstanding player!"

⠀the ball that he threw to the ground somehow found its way to roll against his ankle. "if i had just mastered my serve, maybe we'd be the ones playing shiratorizawa."

⠀"what?"

⠀"you." oikawa pointed a finger at you, his jaw tight. "if it wasn't for you being such a pain in my ass all the time, i could've improved my serving. but no, you had to drag me out of the fucking gym every time i found time to practice by myself." bringing his hands down to his sides, he smiled - something maniacal. "you wanted us to lose, didn't you?"

⠀"what the fuck, oikawa?" enough was enough, and iwaizumi finally broke between the quarrel. "you're just being delusional at this point, leave y/n alone - "

⠀"no, iwaizumi. you need to shut up." tooru's eyes never left yours, and yours began to quiver in sincere fear. "you, y/n, you wanted us to lose, didn't you? you never let me practice, and in turn that would prevent us from winning. you didn't want us to go to nationals! you were pissed off that i was paying attention to something else! what, being a fucking brat that you didn't get what you want?"

⠀"tooru, i don't even know what you're talking about!" your vision blurred at his raised voice, your heart constricting with every accusation. "i know how much volleyball means to you! i would never do anything so selfish, i wanted seijoh to go to tokyo just as much as you guys!"

⠀"you are such a bad liar." pressing a single finger to your chest, his teeth seethed as he hissed his next words. "it's your fault we lost. not mine, not the others. you. it's your fault for being a pain in my. fucking. ass."

⠀"t-tooru - "

⠀"get the fuck away from me. i don't want to see your face."

⠀a shot to the heart.

⠀the resolve to hide your tears shattered, as you turned heel to grab your things and leave. leave, run, do anything. to get out of there.

⠀"y/n, wait!" you felt a hand on your wrist, your eyes fairly forming hajime's outline. "don't! i'll just drive you home, okay?"

⠀you shook your head furiously as you yanked your hand out of his grip, reaching for your bag and sprinting as fast and as far as your own two legs could take you, out of the gym, and out of the school.

⠀you paid no mind to where you were running, as your mind memorized its way back home all the way in your first year. large, wet tears decorated your face like poison, your voice blubbering sobs and incoherent apologies to the wind as you carried on.

⠀then, out of the blue, headlights appeared.

⠀where even were you?

⠀you stopped abruptly, wiping your eyes to get a sense of your current environment.

⠀there was a voice in the distance. hajime?

⠀"Y/N, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD! YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT!"

⠀your head turned...

⠀crash.

a / n : so this came out much longer than i originally planned— i just wanted to get to this part as soon as possible so i could start getting into the juicy parts . now that we’ve finally established this , expect much much more drama , because this is angst , after all . 👀

btw, if you wanna be tagged whenever i update this series, just send an ask! i’d be happy to start a taglist.

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tetrakys · 3 years

Text

Eldarya A New Era - episodes 1 and 2

Let’s start with a brief recap and then my comments at the end.

Not much happens plot-wise, which makes sense since the first chapters are always about exposition and introducing the characters.

Episode 1:

We wake up in the new Crystal room and are swiftly taken by Huang Hua to the infirmary, we are perfectly healthy and have a chance to meet one of our old friends. Since we have been revered as a deity for the past 7 year sin the Crystal, Huang Hua has to make an announcement to the whole HQ saying that we are back into the living world, then we can finally explore HQ, meet old and new friends, get a new outfit and later attend a party in our honour. This is pretty much the plot of the first episode.

Episode 2:

In the second we have the chance of picking a Guard to belong to, Huang offered the Light one but Erika refuses because she doesn’t feel ready yet. We also get a new sword that Jamon has created for us and we can train a bit with him, afterwards we join a mission and go the forest. Once there we realise there is something wrong, as if some areas looked corrupted. We find a hurt companion and a very human shotgun bullet next to it and an evil-looking companion who attacks us causing us to end our very first mission at the infirmary, as usual. Once we are back on our feet we talk to Huang Hua about the bullet and realise that there is something she is hiding from us, then we help Ewe making a potion to save the companion. The companion got attached to us so we decide to adopt it.

Now a bit of info dump about the characters:

Huag Hua is the new head of the guard since Miiko went back to her family obligations. She is no longer the Phoenix apprentice although we don’t know why yet, she is in a romantic committed relationship with Ewelein who is still the head of the infirmary and member of the Light Guard.

Aleja and Sonse got married and left, Colaja joined them and she and Jamon broke up since he stayed. He was sad for a bit but then got over it. Kero left when most people left no one knows where he is. Ezarel left with Twilda and Mary Anne to try to make a new life for themselves. Memoria disappeared and no one knows what happened to it and all the dragon spirits. Karuto is still he chef and he became much nicer in time, also is food much better after fruits and vegetables in Eldarya became edible. There is speculation about his relationship with Feng Zifu who is still very polite but much older looking, however nothing confirmed yet.

Huang Chu is the new head of the Absynth Guard, she looks and acts kinda strict and matter-of-factly but she is also surprisingly open-minded, she encourages Erika to think with her own head and never blindly accept anyone’s order not even her own. She doesn’t get along with Mathieu at all.

Koori is a kitsune member of the Absynth Guard, she is funny, provocative and flirty. She wants to become friend with Erika and even flirts a bit. We see her both flirting with and mercilessly teasing Mathieu, not sure if she’s actually hitting on him or playing him, but this seems to be her normal behaviour.

Chrome is now the head of the Shadow Guard, he and Karenn are still together and while he is the official head it seems that she is his boss as usual so hierarchy is a bit blurry. The both became more mature in time, she is less into gossip and he went through a rough self-blaming patch, but he looks pretty happy right now, eating a lot and constantly making lame jokes, and she seems to have become a real fighter (everyone is recommending to never train with her).

Adalric is a sylph, Erika comments he kinda looks like a genie. He has constantly his head in the clouds forgetting all the most trivial tasks, he talks with the stars and the wind apparently.

Ophelia is this little girl we see for just a moment, we feel that she has the same aura as the Oracle, we hug her but she just smile and leaves. We are told she showed up after the White Sacrifice and no one actually knows anything about her, not even if she sleeps and eats and where.

Mathieu is a human who stumbled in a mushroom cricle about one year ago, he was sort of a recluse with no friends nor family on Earth, only thinking about fantasy and adventure, so he is very happy to be in Eldarya and couldn’t care less about going back to Earth. To his dismay the test assigned him to the Absynth Guard and he’s constantly hoping to be reassigned to the Obsidian instead. He’s the happy-go-lucky type but seems to also have a certain depth that we will hopefully find out.

Nevra is now a member of the Light Guard and Huang Hua’s right hand (he basically got Leiftan’s old job). He looks more severe and it seems that the events of S1 hardened him. He is back to his slutty ways but in episode he admits frivolous relationships don’t bring him happiness.

Leiftan got out of the Crystal with us but it took longer for him to wake up. He says that he needs to find himself and wants to put distance between him and everyone else, in fact he refuses to rejoin the Guard. When Erika asks him to train her aengel powers he refuses and says that he won’t ever touch a blade again and will never be responsible of further violence. Nevra can’t stand him at the moment because he thinks he is escaping his responsibilities.

COMMENTS:

Since people liked the expression I’m going to repeat it again, let’s address the elephant in the room first. (Guys “elephant in the room” is a figure of speech, it’s not a real elephant lol). No one mentioned who is the head of the Obsidian Guard, when Erika tries to ask one time the subject is swiftly changed and people seem to go out of their way to not go there. Everyone, including their grandparents, their cousins, neighbours and the cousins of their neighbours has figured out that the head of Obsidian is Lance, who is name dropped constantly. I know that there are some people who still like to live in denial, kudos to them. BV all but told me that Lance is coming in episode 3 before Christmas, the release pace is like MCL’s so I’m expecting episodes every second Wednesday of the month at this point, but we’ll see.

The situation with Nevra and Leiftan is heavy not gonna lie. I’ve only played the episode with Nevra so far and my heart broke in tiny pieces, but I want to savour the angst and enjoy the ride. I don’t blame either of the two, Leiftan went from traitor to saviour in a matter of what two days? He had not time to think about his choices and properly reflect on himself. I think it’s fair that the writing his giving him a bit of depth as a character now and not just using him for his abs and to kill and save people when needed. So yeah, I approve him going to therapy or whatever is going to do to achieve self-growth.

Nevra is a bit trickier, he spent one year moping in front of the Crystal every day, then moved on simply out of survival, and he’s well aware that the life he has now brings him no joy so one would think he would jump into Erika’s arms immediately? He is probably still very much hurting about everything that happened and he still has a fight or flight reaction about everything regarding it, his subconscious reaction when he saw Erika must have been DANGERDANGER RUN. Sleep around is easier because he doesn’t care and can’t be hurt again. While I can understand this, I also think it’s pretty cowardly and I would’ve liked to have given the reaction to get mad, to demand him to spend time with us, because yes he hurt but we spent 7 freaking years in a coma and no time has passed for us, the day before we were swearing love to each other and now this coldness. And yes I could’ve chosen angrier options with him instead of being understanding, but then my LoM would’ve dropped.

So what I think I’m trying to say is that I would like to have the option of getting mad without having devastating consequences on all the relationships. I know that the next episode is called Rage-something so I am hoping Erika will blow up. We are probably going to run into Lance, find out that he’s been forgiven and working with the Guard and go full violent mode. And hopefully she will get mad with the other guys as well. Homegirl needs to unleash since episode 13 AT LEAST.

Also, since Leiftan refused to train her, I’m expecting that Lance will at some point. Sweaty training sessions with a strict instructor who she kinda hates but also kinda thirst for... 😏😏😏 I have expectations now.

My general comment is that I like the writing so far, I see much improvement from the previous season although it’s too early to judge. I loved the shade thrown at Miiko and the Guard test, you can really tell the writer’s thoughts sometimes, he uses Mathieu to tell us what he thinks.

The one think I didn’t like is that, while I can understand most of the choices and the events of these two episodes, I don’t understand how the writing can justify Erika not looking for Ezarel if she were on her route. No time has passed for her, anyone would go looking for their lover in a situation like this, not just “oh well, he’s gone”. I know he can’t be brought back, but give me a good, logical reason in game. (Also, I hope to never see him and Valkyon as secondary non-datable characters because I would die inside).

About the other characters, I like Koori and Huang Chu, I don’t like Adalric, just personal taste, he seems to be the type of person who would be into yoga and spiritualism and it’s just not me at all lol.

#eldarya #eane #tetra eldarya rambling #a new era #eldarya recap

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truly-morgan · 3 years

Text

Fanfic idea am too tired to write for now pt.1

So I have many fanfiction Idea, yet my dumb ass is just way too tired in so many ways to actually write anything for now, so I decided “Why not just make a list and see what people enjoy, might give me motivation”. This might be a multi-fandom post, depending on how many idea I can brings back from my bad memory.

After all, what better than writing a fanfic is to just dumb down the plot and ramble about me ideas.

TodoBakuDeku

Soulmate marks AU

They are all soulmates, and two of them a really dumb. The two first to notice are Midoriya and Todoroki. Somewhere after the sport festival, they happen to be changing at the same time for X reason and one of them notice they have a matching marks. We have two dorks unsure what to do, but they decided “Hey, lets give it a chance, we are already on a good start”.

Everything goes well, everyone do kinda notice how close they have become, but hey maybe it just how they are with close friend (especially with poor Shouto being a novice at friendship). But, one day when they are all changing after a sport class, Kirishima points out how similar Bakugo’s mark is to Midoriya’s one, making our explosive boy mad but then realise they have the same. Somehow these two childhood friend either never actually notice it (tbf, Bakugo’s mark isn’t that visible) or just erased that information from their memory if it was ever discovered.

And then we have Todoroki and Midoriya unsure what to do since they weren’t expecting to add a third person (after all it is rather rare thing to happen, but not in my fanfic), while Bakugo is just confused at how this situation as escalated quickly. Then we simply have a couples chapter seeing how thing are evolving between them, maybe some jealous Bakugo who didn’t want any of that at first but didn’t like seeing them this close when he could be a parts of it.

And somehow I wanna have Kirishima trying to help his friends, because of course he would, despite being confused by missing the part where Todoroki is also part of the equation.

Fantasy AU

This one would probably need to be cut in two parts? Like I imagine them meeting on a first quest and kind of slowly falling for each other that way? Like, Midoriya was already on this quest with Iida and Uraraka, joined later by prince Todoroki after Midoriya broke the ice (dum dum tss). They probably meet Bakugo on the way, already acquainted with Midoriya because of past event and decide to tag along “Because I was already going there, anyway Deku would get himself kill if he went alone”. So they ends up kind of bonding over the thing they live through and after killing the demon or something.

Second part is something I feel has more seriousness to it, happening a couple years later, where their relationship is something along the line of “I have no clue what relationship I have with these two exactly, there seems to be something but am not sure, but one thing I know is I am ready to die or kill for them”.

This would happen where Todoroki’s kingdom is dragged into war against the dragonkin because they are allies of the one going against them for land and riches. Todoroki has no choice but to actually follow his dad and obviously Bakugo will take care of his kind. I was imagining this whole scene going where Todoroki asks Midoriya to choice what he knew he wouldn’t regrets doing later on (so obviously going with Bakugo). A truly difficult choice, but the both understand, especially Bakugo, that he has obligation and no real choice in the matter if he wants things to change later on.

So we have this whole war going on, learning that Todoroki was working a little more in the background to actually help or makes thing less bad for the dragonkin when he his the one in commands.

One of the rare fanfic where I had some ideas about how to end this story, despite it being rather unsure yet.

BakuDeku

a/b/o

I was going to make a follow up to Bond where we see some snippet from their daily lives as official mates (yet hidden from the public for obvious reason). I already had a couple of ideas for this one, not sure if it actually count as a fanfiction since all the chapter would be rather “unrelated” to one another, each a little story that doesn’t exactly have a follow up in another chapter.

AllEraserMic

Everyone dies trilogy

I am an angtsy bitch and already started this mini-serie with They Both Knew. It was suppose to only be one story at first, then I wondered “How would the different duo react to on of them dying”. So I already did the Toshinori one, am missing Aizawa and Hizashi. This is purely to write angst since it had been a while since I actually wrote angst (I swear I wanted to cry when writing in on the bus something, the hospital scene was the worst).

So yeah, this is at least already kind of started I suppose.

Soulmate Marks AU

(Can y’all see what kind of jam I like?). This one is an idea that has already be seen quite many time in this ship dynamic, where Both Aizawa and Hizashi are in a nice relationship after discovering they were soulmates when studying at UA. So what happens when Toshinori realise that they are both his soulmate? Of course he can’t tell them, after all he wouldn’t want to break that happy couple.

Of course he’s not the most subtle man on earth about it and the couple does notice how weird he seems to act and how much more than before he make sure that his marks stay hidden.

EraserMic

Villain!Mic

This would most likely be based around the Villain Mic Au created by @corndog-patrol because I just really love her Villain!Mic so much (this is the kind of villain I really love too) and it gave me ideas. Go check her little comics about this AU, it’s absolutely lovely.

This would most likely be a slow burn (because that’s my speciality at this point), with different accounters they have throughout Eraserhead patrols, where he slowly get a better understanding of how Mic actually is, which mean not really a villain, despite Mic trying to convince him otherwise.

I like the idea of working with a Mic who is convince his quirk cannot be use for good because he was convince early on that his quirk is dangerous (painfully proved by his now bad hearing), yet still act in more ways that would be seen a heroic rather than villainous.

Am not an original person when it comes to AU apparently, but I just really like this idea and wanted to play with it a little bit.

If you want a good fanfic that is already written in that setting please go check out Villainous Heroics by Ibelieveinahappilyeverafter. I hope I won’t get subconsciously inspired by it (or at least not too much) when I write this.

BillDip

Reversed a/b/o Dynamic

So I already started it, this is probably cheating, but I don’t have the energy to write right now so fuck it ╮(￣ω￣;)╭. So this is an AU reversing the abo usual dynamic and omega are instead treated very well, coming from a twitter tread i had seen.

The twins are both actors (Mabel the film industry and Dipper more on the theater scene) and Bill is the CEO of the studio for which Mabel’s work. He basically meets Dipper when he was going to greet Mabel and fall head over heel for him, making him want to court him.

This is a rather fluff oriented story, where they slowly get to know each other better and Bill trying to court Dipper because in this house we respect omegas. This is a much more light hearted story than some of the one presented higher in this post. I was only going to start really writing it after finishing my two other AU (the 20′s speakeasy and zombie apocalypse ones), but when i get back into writing I might do that.

Lets make a deal AU

So I already presented this one in a previous list, but I really wanna get to write it down at some point.

This is where Dipper as a lot of confidence issue, comparing himself with his family and not seeing anything good in himself. I wanted to play on Bill not necessarily doing weirdmagedon that year and instead taking interest in Dipper.

I wanted to see Bill slowly pulling Dipper in after getting interested in him and thinking his great mind could help him in his plan. Also what better thing than to have one of the wheel sign on your side?

This is more on a Dark!Dipper AU kind of vibe, where the relationship is probably not as wholesome and good as the other one I’ve written until now, but I wanted to see something different.

Welp, can y’all tell I got interested in bnha lately? (if some of my many doodle of it wasn.t telling). I feel like I write for only two fandom despite loving many show. It just sometimes I feel like I would really be able to do it well? Like I’ve read many Hannibal fanfic, but I don’t think I would be able to write one whom is really good.

Anyway, these are the idea I really wanna write at some point, might get to do it in my not so existent free time or if I don’t feel like reading on the bus.

#fanfiction ideas #fanfiction i want to write #todobakudeku #tododeku #todobaku #bakudeku #allerasermic #erasermic #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #billdip #gravity falls #alternate universe

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fortheloveoffanfic · 3 years

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One More Weekend With You

Keanu Reeves x Reader (A/n-Was gonna post another one from this set of fics, but this was oh so conveniently edited and forgotten in my drafts)

Summary- Inspired by Tis The Damn Season of the Evermore album

Masterlist

Warnings- Angst

It was hard to tell, it had been so long and maybe he'd cut his hair and started wearing his beard lower. Maybe he'd changed the way he dressed- no, not really. Did he always keep his hand in his pocket when he walked? He did, it was definitely him, and there wasn't a chance that her heart was going to let her avoid him. He still had a place there after all.

Rubbing the cool metal of the key between her fingers, Y/n inhaled deeply, trying to brush off her nerves before making her way through the department store to where Keanu stood. "Ke?"

And of course, he'd know her voice anywhere. So instead of just turning to see who it was, Keanu smiled despite the wave of pain that usually accompanied the thought of Y/n. Even if their end had been bittersweet, she was still his 'one.' One true love. One person he wanted to see after a bad day. One voice he wanted to hear when he picked up the phone. "Y/n?" He tilted his head, temporarily abandoning the shelves lined with glassware he was looking at, to hug her quickly. It was short, though, not short enough for it to mean nothing. "You're back”.”

"I'm back," she nodded with a soft huff, righting herself and pulling away from their awkward embrace. He’d felt different and the same; like returning to an old playground and realizing that the magic had gone from childish wonder to aching nostalgia. "Just for the holidays though, after New Years its……"

"Back," he determined as his face fell. Why'd he even let himself think she'd come back for good. Out there was her dream…..L.A…..was just him. And he wasn't enough. "Uh…how-how are your folks? I saw them a couple months ago, they were grocery shopping, but I was in such a hurry, I didn't really get a minute to catch up." What he really meant was that he didn't want to see the look on their faces when they had to stand in conversation with the son-in-law they never had and worst yet, he didn't want them to talk about her, so he could hear how well she was doing without him.

“They’re good. What about your family?” As she spoke, Y/n tried to fight the twinge of regret that accompanied Keanu’s presence. Regret because every time they spoke, the dormant love for him was always reawakened. He told her, a long time ago, that once you started loving someone, if it was real, then it would never go away. And she had learned that he was right the hard way.

Nodding absently, he stuffed his hands into his pockets again, just to occupy them, “They’re good….” they still ask about you. He inhaled softly, not knowing what to say next. It was uncomfortable, before, just a few years ago, Keanu always knew what to say to her, because he could say anything to her. “So how have you been? How’s work? The job?” The job that you left me for.

“I’ve been okay,” Y/n shrugged, trying to muster up a smile, only just realizing that she wasn’t half as happy as she’d been when they were together. “And work’s……its good, the job’s….” not everything it was cracked up to be, especially since it took me away from you, “Its amazing, still can't believe I got it. What about you?” She stuttered, moistening her lips.

Keanu observed her curiously, noting how Y/n’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and how she’d kept anxiously toying with her car keys. She always fiddled when she was nervous. “You sure everything’s okay, Y/n?” It was quite likely that it was no longer his place to ask, worst yet to try to fix things if something was wrong, but Keanu hated knowing that something was bothering her.

He always knew when she was lying. “I…..” Taking a deep breath, Y/n prepared herself to lie anyway, “You know, I’m just….it’s weird to be back, its been a while.”

“Yeah okay,” it was obvious that Y/n wasn’t going to tell him what was going on, not that Keanu could blame her, they had been over for a while by then, she wasn’t obligated to tell him anything. Still, he craved her company and wasn’t willing to let their interaction on such a flustered note. “I don’t know if you have the time, but if you do, maybe we could grab coffee or something, catch up a bit.”

Staring up at him with agape lips and sad eyes, Y/n contemplated for a minute before submitting, she couldn’t imagine saying no anyway, “Sure, okay. I’d like that. The place we usually go to?” She cleared her throat, realizing her mistake as heat rose to her cheeks, “Went to.”

Grinning fondly at her comment, Keanu tried to shake off the memories that the mention of that little coffee shop brought up, they’d had some great times there. “Great,” he determined, deciding that gift shopping could be put on pause for a bit. “It’s not too far from here, we can walk if you’d like.”

“Sounds great.” As they walked, Y/n and Keanu kept a comfortable distance between them. It wasn’t much though, she could still compare his warmth to Los Angeles heat, which had toned down significantly since the start of the holiday season. For a while, the only thing traded between them was silence, though, when they got to the coffee shop, Keanu surprised her by remembering her order to the letter. “You remember,” she mused with a soft soiree, in awe of how he’d held onto the smallest shred of their past.

How was he supposed to tell her that he’d never forget? That he sometimes ordered it for himself, just so the smell could dreg up an innocent memory or two. “You ordered it every time we came here,” he shrugged, glancing away, “And we came here a lot.”

Her gaze weaved through the patrons, eventually finding a wicker table for two near the back of the establishment, with a window view. It was the perfect place for couples to get cozy without receiving judgmental glances and lingering stares. It used to be their table but that afternoon, it was occupied by two strangers who’d never know the history shared between two lovers that had let something so precious escape them. “We did,” she agreed absently, watching the pair share pecks between sips from steaming mugs. That used to be them.

Noticing her far away look, Keanu found what she’d been looking at. The reminder that holding Y/n in his arms like that was now nothing but part of the past stung and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous of the unknown couple that sat where they once did. “Do you want to walk instead?”

Reluctantly, she nodded, “Sure, lets go.” As they left the shop, Keanu placed his hand on the center of her back in an unconscious gesture and Y/n suppressed a shudder, caught off guard by how instinctively her body had responded by leaning in before her mind could even permit it. “So,” she eased as they walked along the busy streets, shoppers and pedestrians too caught up in their own busy lives to notice that they were brushing shoulders with a celebrity. And it helped that he was wearing sunglasses. “What have you been up to?”

Shaking his shoulders, “You know,” he took a punctuating sip of his scalding coffee, thinking up ways to make his life sound more exciting than it actually was, “Work, hanging out, dating around, that kind of thing,” he offered nonchalantly, subconsciously trying to show her he’d moved on since their split. At least, he’d tried to.

At the mention of dating, Y/n almost choked on a mouthful of coffee, brashly replacing the cup at her lips with a napkin so she wouldn’t make a mess. Dating around, that wasn’t something she was expecting to hear. It was something she particularly wanted to hear either, because what was a casual mention for him brought a landslide of panic for her. Keanu was moving on and one day, he was going to find someone that would choose him in a way she hadn’t. One day he’d be someone else’s. “That’s…..uh….” exhaling loudly, she mustered up a fake smile, “That’s great! I’m….I’m happy that you’re- you’re um...that’s great Ke,” Y/n stuttered.

“Thanks, I think,” he huffed shyly, “But I’m…..I’m not seeing anyone right now.” Apparently he’d developed a habit of oversharing since he’d met with Y/n merely an hour earlier. Perhaps it was solely because telling her everything used to be habitual.

Her head snapped towards him, eyes wide and lips agape. “You’re not?” She breathed, hoping she didn’t sound too eager. When he confirmed, Y/n proceeded without thinking, “That’s great,” internally kicking herself as soon as she heard the words.

“What?” Keanu halted abruptly, only moving once more to step in front of Y/n. His brows were furrowed and he was starting to wonder if he’d heard her correctly.

“I mean….it’s….not great,” taking a deep breath, Y/n desperately sought to slow the erratic thumping in her chest, finding that the quickest remedy was meeting his whiskey orbs. “It’s….fuck,” she sighed, overwhelmed by the surge of buried feelings that had started welling up since they’d hugged. “I mean…..” Again, Y/n trailed off, at a loss for words, “It’s……”

Bringing his hand up to cup her neck, Keanu leaned down, kissing her slowly, letting instinct take over. He knew what she liked; the slow introduction of his tongue, the way it occasionally glazed over hers and a little nibble on her lower lip to keep things a bit rough. She was liking it then too, Keanu could tell by the way she’d stumbled closer, grasping a fistful of his jacket. “Is that what you were trying to say?” Keanu whispered as they broke.

“Yeah,” a glimmer of a smile tugged at her lips as an idea brewed. “What are you doing this weekend?” She asked softly, the tips of their noses still brushing as they held each other close.

“I’m supposed to spend Christmas at my sister’s,” his words said in a tone that was meant to protect their moment, “Why?”

Dragging her lower lip through her teeth, Y/n debated on whether or not she was about to make a fool of herself. But she had to try; returning to Los Angeles had left her craving Keanu’s company and the fact that they were both single had to mean something. “Spend it with me. We could be like this again….just for a little bit.”

“That’s not a good idea,” he resisted, not really wanting to but knowing that it might be in both their best interests if they didn’t go down that road again; she was leaving after the holidays anyway.

“I know,” Y/n sighed wearily, “But don’t you want to anyways? We could pretend that nothing’s changed,” her free arm rounded Keanu’s neck and her fingers twirled the ends of his hair. “Please, just think about it, okay?”

Conflicted and caught between wanting to be with her, if only for a bit and doing what was best for them both, Keanu took a step back, taking his hand off her and consequently urging Y/n to retract her hold on him. “You can’t come here and just expect me to go along with this.”

“I’m not expecting anything,” she argued, “You were the one that kissed me, and I’m just asking you to consider it. Don’t you miss me? Cause I miss you, Keanu.”

“I….” Mulling on her question, Keanu hit his fist to his thigh, shaking his head, “Doesn’t matter, Y/n,” turning, he walked away without saying goodbye, waving dismissively as he melded into the crowd.

Christmas Day Y/n had tried forcing herself into forgetting how things had gone down with Keanu earlier that week, when she’d asked him to spend Christmas together, the way they had when they were both convinced that they were going to be each other’s forever. But she couldn’t, he’d been on her mind constantly, and every time her phone rang, she’d snatch it up in hopes that he’d changed his mind, and every time, when it was work, or even on of her friends, Y/n felt the sting of disappointment dig at her heart.

Five whole days had passed and she was even starting to get used to it; accepting that she had crossed a line and Keanu was right, when on Christmas day, while she was caught in conversation with her father over very strong eggnog, her mother entered the sitting room, grasping the arm of a familiar figure. Her parents had always adored him, they’d hoped she would marry him, let him be the one that fathered their grandbabies and they were so disappointed when it hadn’t worked out. “Look who’s here!” She announced, squeezing Keanu’s bicep affectionately, broad smile plastered on her face.

“Keanu, son! Look who’s here Y/n!” Her father nudged as if she hadn’t already seen him, standing giddy in the doorway, flashing the room with that movie star grin.

“Yeah dad,” she breathed, not believing her eyes. He’d actually come, even after the way things had ended a few days ago. “What…..what’re you doing here?”

“I’m here to see you sweetheart,” Keanu beamed, slipping away from her mother, approaching Y/n and then bending to kiss the side of her lips. “I thought about what you said,” he whispered, only loud enough for her to hear, “And I miss you too,” he ended his words with another peck, easily wrapping an arm around her shoulders as her family eyed them with confusion. “Y/n invited me, and I was just wondering if that invitation is still open.”

“Of course it is!” Her mother cheered, clapping her hands excitedly, “You know we love having you here Keanu!”

“I’m glad you came,” Y/n shifted in his embrace, standing on her toes so she could peck his cheek, hugging Keanu at the waist. After that, things fell into the way they used to be; like Keanu was part of their family, and for the rest of the evening, he and Y/n had acted as if nothing had changed between them. As if they were still that couple that was so in love that it was hard to believe they’d ever break up. And it was easy to return to being those people too; within an hour together, it was easy to pretend that nothing had changed, to act as if there hadn’t been a fight a few nights before Y/n got on a plane that would whisk her out of his life or Keanu hadn’t called her a week later, drunk out of his mind only to pour his heart out and beg her to come back. It was as if a day hadn’t passed since their last good one and they were still each other’s future.

When presents and dinner was through, and after Keanu had brought a duffle bag up to Y/n’s room and the cool sun had set making way for the glowing moon, he and Y/n had slipped away from the family festivities to go on a walk around the block. They’d shrugged light coats on over their clothes and had linked arms as they strolled up the desolate street, absently staring at the homes illuminated with colorful lights and Christmas decorations. “What made you change your mind?” Y/n probed, nuzzling his arm, subconsciously hoping he wouldn’t change it again.

“I don’t think I did change it,” Keanu mused, keeping his eyes forward, “I was always gonna come. You know me; I can’t seem to stay away from you,” he gently tugged her closer. Being with her like that, it felt like right, like things were finally the way they were supposed to be, “I miss us, you know?”

“Mm hmm,” he she hummed, resting her head on her bicep, letting Keanu guide them forward with complete trust, “I miss us too. You’d like it there,” she said, referring to where she’d started building her new life, trying to keep them from lapsing into silence.

“Yeah?” He kicked a pebble absently, wondering what it would be like if he ever did move. Could he do that? Leave his family back in L.A to be with Y/n? She was worth it, after all, she was the only woman he’d ever seen himself having a future with. “I think you’re the only person I’ve ever met that wanted to leave Los Angeles to make it big,” he changed the topic, too fearful to let the thought of leaving behind everything he’d built for himself in California cement itself. Maybe they were selfish, Keanu thought, that was why things couldn’t work out for them; cause neither of them was willing to adjust what they wanted outside of each other.

“I think you might be right,” Y/n chuckled and it wasn’t long before they'd fallen into what she’d dreaded; silence. Back at the house, she had the cover of menial chatter, but on the barren sidewalk, where there was nothing to shroud the heaviness of things that were kept guarded, it was different. The atmosphere was clumsy and she felt a way she never had around Keanu; uncomfortable.

“I’d gotten you something,” he broke the quiet, sounding unsure of himself, “Before you told me you were leaving for the job, I’d gotten you something. Well, technically, it was given to me, for you, I guess.”

Throwing him a curious glance, she urged him to slow down, “I don’t understand,” knitting her brows, Y/n silently pleaded with him to elaborate.

“Your mom,” he explained, “She gave me your grandmother’s ring…”

“You were gonna….” Maybe if she’d known before she would have changed her mind.

“Yeah,” he sighed heavily, reminiscing on how that night had gone. How’d they texted each other excitedly on their way home, how he’d insisted she go first, only to hold himself back when she broke the news that the job might threaten to tear her away from him. Long distance wasn’t for them and Keanu knew that moving wasn’t in the cards for him. “Were you mad at me?” She probed meekly.

Huffing a dry chuckle, Keanu shook his head, “No, when I saw how your eyes lit up when you told me about it, all I wanted was for you to be happy, even if that meant it wouldn’t be here, with me.”

“I was happy with you,” they stopped, and turned to face each other, hands still tangled, and unchecked tears threatening to spill over as her voice broke, “I think I was happier with you.”

“I know,” his tone was low and husky as Keanu stepped closer, muting the few inches of space between them. She didn’t need to ask how he did and Keanu had no cause to explain; they knew each other better than most ever would; he could pick up on her faked smiles from a mile away. “Would it be wrong if I asked you to stay?”

Still trying to fight the wave of emotion, Y/n looked at their interlocked fingers, frowning at how well they worked together. No other hands would ever feel like that, and she’d long made peace with the fact. “Would it be wrong if I asked you to wait?”

Closing his eyes, he bent lower to press his forehead to hers, letting her scent tickle his senses. It was as if he was trying to freeze himself in time, so he’d be forever basking in the sweet smell of her perfume and the comfort of her touch while the warmth that radiated between them, tethering him to her was one he was sure he could never remember to its exact perfection. Why couldn’t things be easier? “I’m sorry,” he shuddered, letting his breaths be captured by her quivering lips.

“It’s my fault,” Y/n exhaled, sniffling, “But at least we have right now, right?”

Keanu hugged her low at the waist, burning his face in Y/n’s hair while she sought refuge in the crook of his neck, “Yeah,” hot tears made their slow journey down his his cheek, and he could feel moisture soaking his t shirt where Y/n had buried her face, “At least we have now.”

Even if it would never be enough, for now, it was all they had.

*****

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#keanu reeves #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x you #keanu reeves fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #tis the damn season #angst #john wick #holiday fic #kind of

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