#my therapist is gonna ask like “so whats going on in your Mind?” & im gonna fuckin lose my shit

[synthshenanigans]

Johnny Cash doesn't sound like a real name to me anymore I'm too far gone, christ

[mschimdt]

Truth or dare

quaritch x recom reader

summary: you were put into the recom team as a therapist and a medic, you were also a marine, you get invited to play a game of truth or dare randomly with the rest of the recoms, not thinking anything of it and not knowing where it was gonna lead you

warnings: teasing, knife play, rough quaritch, sub reader, punishments, dares, embarassment, just pure filth so beware minors ❗️NOT PROOF READ❗️

LOTS AND LOTS OF TYPOS THAT IM TOO LAZY TO FIX

note: this is super shitty and rushed because my accounts dead and the story doesnt make sense

you were recently added to the recom team in an avatar body, you were their therapist and medic, but you also joined wars because you used to be a marine.

you heard ur name being called over the loud speakers, it was ardmors calling you somewhere, probably another therapy session for one of the recoms because theyre losing their sanity, the only one that seemed somewhat stable was quaritch

infact it was a therapy lesson, you expected it to be lyle or mansk because they were the most unstable ones out of the group and they came to your office randomly to talk about things that are bothering them , you made your way to your office, opening the door expecting lyle or mansk, but to your surprise, it was quaritch?

hes never been in your office once, you stood still for a few seconds after opening the door, you came back to your senses and closed the door, the rusty hinges making a squeaking sound

"hey" you said, pulling your chair to sit down, you open the book where you put upcoming sessions, and infact quaritch was there, how didnt you notice before?

"okay so, tell me whats been bothering you" you say, in a stable tone

"nothin's botherin me i was forced to come here" he says, leaning lightly on the chair, arms crossed against his chest and his legs open

"theres no way nothings been bothering you, you just came back from that war with sully and you experienced some things.." you say

eventually after convincing him, he eventually spilled the things that were bothering him, you also got to know more about him during that session, ylu and quaritch were already friends, not quite but you waved to eachother and greeted eachother

you also played gamenighgs together every thursday, so you could say you were friends. but you got to know him more today

after that jaw dropping session, you went to your room, changed and sat in bed, it was thursday, aka gamenight day

after a long nap, you got up getting dressed in shorts, keeping your shirt on, not that it mattered what you wore becausr everyone would just meet up in whatever they eere wearing head to the mess hall, you were a few minutes late

you walked through the halls, opening your tab to check if you had any messages from anyone

you reached the mess hall, they were already playing something, seated on the floor with a bottle in the middle, the moment you saw the bottle you hesitated going back because you knew its either a kissing game or some dirty ass game of truth or dare, most likely lyles idea

you made up your mind, continuing your walk to the empty area in the messhall, "hey, move a bit? i wanna join" you say, they stared up at you

they moved and you sat across from lyle, you noticed quaritch was sitting on a table on the other side of the mess hall, across from ja, looked like they were playing poker. the bottle spun, you noticed Z-dog barsly had any clothes on and lyle had shoes taped to his head, mansk wasnt wearing a shitt which was very unusual and prager and the rest had red handprints on their faces

"soooo what we playing?" you say "truth or dare, whos gonma spin it?" lyle answers

z dog grabs the bottle and spins it, it landed on prager and mansk, prager asked and mansk answered

"truth or dare masnkkk" he said, in a high pitched voice to mock mansk "truth, gotta save myself from whatever demonic shit you were planning"

prager asked his question, it was a really dumb one

you spun the bottle this time, it landed on you and lyle, lyle asked and you answered

"truth or dare Y/N" "dare" you said, awaiting the most likely humiliating dare you were gonna get

"sit next to quaritch n touch him somewhere your not supposed to, if u dont do it youve gotta pay up, 50 dollars!"

"ugh fuck you lyle! i wont be pahing 50 dollars to youe broke ass" you put your hand on the floor, pusshing yourself upwards to stand up, yoy stared in quaritchs direction

you walked over to the table where he was sitting with ja, both focused on the game they were playing, you sat nect to quaritch, way too close for your liking, your thighs were just a few inches away from touching

you leaned your hand on the table leaning your head on it

you noticed your friends staring at you with wide smiles on their faces looking like theyre about to burst out laughing

you position your other hand to sit against quaritchs thigh

you lift your hand, setting it on quaritchs thigh

quaritch turmed around to face you, he didnt even notice you sit nect to him because of how focusrd he was and he went back to playing the game, you got uo and left heading back to your friends

you played for almost 15 minutes after that, alot of humiliating dares coming through

finally, everyone left, the only people left were you, lyle, quaritch, ja, and z dog in the room, you stopped plahing truth or dare because you were only 3 players

you said bye, and started walking the way to your room, you jeard footsteps behind yoy as you approached the door, and then you felt a harsh tug at your hair, you felt yourself being pushed back against a tall broad figure

"what do ya' think ya' were doin huh?"

he said, you recognised quaritchs voice "sorry sir..? i dont quite get what you mean" you said, inoccently asif what you did never happened

"i heard you n the others playing a game of truth n dare huh? you know?" he said, letting go of your hair inorder for you to face him

"o-oh that? it was just a silly dare, i promise it wont happen again sir" you said staring at the ground, you should have just payed those 50 dollars

"theres no it wont happen again now kid, unlock your door ive seen the way you look at me" he was correct, you have stared at him a few times admiring him but it was never something serious ,right?

while you were unlocking the door, quaritch said something "ya know that therapy session we had? none of those things were botherin me as much as ya were, knowing that we couldnt have eachother because of this syupid mission, hell its the entire purpose of our life now! we were revived to fight"

you didnt reply, opening your door and lettinf quaritch in, not expecting what he was going to do

as soon as you locked the door, you felt yourself being lifted up only to be harshly throws across your bed, quaritch grabbing you by your hair again, lifting you up and laying your lower half across his lap

"ya may not like this but ion reslly give a shit"

before you could even respond, your shorts were pulled down and, a hard smack was delivered to your ass

you let out a whimper, not expecting him to full on smack your ass??

"thas what you get for listening to those bastards you filthy little slut huh?"

"yes.." you say

"yes what?" he says before delivering another harsh smack on your ass

"yes.. s-sir..?"

"good girl" he says, pulling you up by ypur shoulders, laying you down on the bed gently, which surprised you because ylu thought he was gonna throw you again

you didnt notice him pull out a knofe from his pocket, in an instant, his pocket knife was on your neck, leaving little cuts

you couldnt do anything, your hands were restrained above your head

you could also see quaritch clearly getting hard by the obvious bludge in his pants, it looked like he was enjoying the torture he was putting you through

he pressed his knife ahainst your soft flesh again going a bit deeper, you hiss and you try to get away from his grip only to find his hand meeting your face at what looked like the speed of light, leaving a red mark on your face

"stay silent, or else there wont be a reward" there was a reward? you didnt expect there to be a reward especially by how cruel colonel is

after a few more cuts across your entire body, he stopped setting his knife on your nightstand

"i think ya did well enough" he says

the heat in between your legs burning, spilling with your slick, you were only wearing panties, still in your tshirt

he pressed his hand against your clothed cunt, your panties basically dripping wet at this point

"looks like ya enjoyed it?" you nod

he fingered your clothed cunt, emitting a few moans from you, not silencing you this time

"p-please" you say, you were fed up with his teasing, it was too much

"please what? whatcha want me to do" he says, with a shit eating grin on his face, a grin you wouldnt see even if he killed sully

"please.. touch me?" you say unsure of what you want him to do you just wanted to feel your orgasm

"where" he says, and youve had enough, you grab your panties yo pull them down, tired of his teasing 'for fucks sake' you mumble

"eager i see? here let me-" he says, the moment your panties where on the floor, he grabbed both your thighs splitting them apart

bringing his fingers toward your cunt, circiling the sensetive bud, which was enough to rip a few moans from you

he unexpectedly slipped both of his fingers inside of you at once, making you let out the loudest moan yet, he continues circiling your clit while thrusting both his fingers inside of you

"i-im. g-gonna-" then it stopped, he pulled his fingers out of you "not yet sweetheart, only place youll be cumming is on my cock" he says i. a deep raspy voice

you were flipped onto your stomache ass in the air, you heard metal clinking which you could guess was quaritchs belt coming undone

and soon enough, you felt his cock brush up against your ass, he grabbed it by his hand leading it down to your slick folds, moving it up and down "mmh"

his tip pressed up against your enterance, slowly pushing his length inside of you, you were in a navi body but he was still too big

half his lemgth was pushrd inside of you, stretching your "virgin" walls wider than theyre even been stretched

you werent a virgin in the past, its just that youve never done something like this in this body

quaritch looked down, his braid falling onto his chest, his eyes widened an idea popping in his head

"ya wanna do that thing? the navi thing?" you nodded, too cockdrunk already to even respond, let alone think straight

you frlt your braid being pulled, pink tendrils looking for something to lash onto

you felt the nerves tpuch against something right before you felt a rush of adrenaline in your body, your vision turning white, feeling everything quaritch was feeling

you let out a soft whimper "move" you said, eager for release

he startrd moving softly, each time he bottomed out he touched your cervix, shooting a rush of pleasure accross your body eachtime he touched it, it felt even better because you could feel everything he was feeling

soon enough, he was rutting into you like there was no tommorow, groans emitting from his throat while soft whimpers and moans came out of your mouth

"im gonna cu-" "go ahea-d" a slight crack in his voice, you camr your orgasm shooting across your body, you sae stars for a few seconds, quaritch helping you ride out your high

you felt a warm and sticky substance shoot into your cunt, quaritch loosing rythm of his thrusts, he thrusted into you a few more times, before finally bottoming out

sweat trickling across his and your body, the tsaheylu camr undone, a few seconds after that, quaritch pulled out of you, a thick rope of cunt connecting his cock to your cunt

you collapsed onto your bed, too cockdrunk to process things, by the time quaritch cleaned you up, you were already fast asleep, only to soon be joined by quaritch cuddling eachother to sleep, he never seemed like a cuddly type of guy but i guess i was wrong

------------------------------

comment to be added to my taglist and please repost and like :))

[some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too]

hi!! i understand if you don’t feel comfortable writing this but could you maybe do a lil thing where someone from the gang realizes reader tried to like. die. and the gang kinda comforts them? again u don’t need to lol

Mental health with the boys

A/N: i’ve got these two asks that are kinda similar so i’m gonna write a bit of a combination of the two. i’ll also say i’m not very yk- all knowing when it comes to this stuff so i’m only taking from my own experiences.

Tags: angsty fluff maybe?

if you told him you were struggling with your mental health Darry would most likely be the most sensible of the boys in the sense that he’d help you find a therapist over just helping you deal with stuff himself. he’d always be there for you when you needed him and he’d help you come up with coping mechanisms. if it was an ED he might make a meal plan with you and you could come over to the curtis’ every evening for dinner if that helped you to eat. he wouldn’t put pressure to eat though of course.

Soda would be like darry in some ways but also he wouldn’t be in other ways. If he found out you were struggling he would be the most caring and supportive person ever in your healing journey. i honestly doubt that a therapist would be his first thought process but it might come a little later. i think he’d try to keep things lighthearted for the most part to try and help you maybe to forget your problems for a little while when you’re together.

Ponyboy, oh poor pony. he really wouldn’t know what to do, especially since he’s so young. he’d try to comfort you hand help as much as he can but he would most likely go to darry for advice on what to do. the one thing i think he’d do well is noticing when you’re getting anxious or something. maybe you tap your foot or bounce your knee, maybe you fiddle with your pen or switchblade or something. whatever it is he’d notice and when he does notice these things, he probably won’t say anything but he’d put his hand on your arm and then if he knew that you didn’t mind hugs when you were anxious he’d hug you.

Dally..as much as i wanna say “he’d be so supportive and always there for you blah blah blah” he wouldn’t really. i mean he’d try to understand but since he’s spent his whole life burying his emotions and ignoring his problems that he wouldn’t know where to begin when trying to help someone else. because of that he’d go to darry for help, so then like i said in darry’s section he’d help you find a councillor or a therapist or something. one thing that i like to think is that when you come home from your therapy sessions that you talk about stuff like coping mechanisms that you can use and then dal would start trying to use them. in some way, you’d be learning how to heal together.

Two-Bit ml, he’d be very different than you might think he would. i mean in the film specifically (in my opinion) he’s presented as always joking and quite frankly- dumb. in the book he is presented similarly but he has a few moments where he can get very philosophical even (dk if that’s the right word or not) when he talks about what life is like for the greasers. given these i think that Two would be very helpful, i honestly think that he secretly has his own stuff going on so he might be able to relate to how you feel and he would 100% help as much as possible. same as pony he’d notice what you do when you get anxious so he’d be first to help you when you do.

I love Steve but if you started crying in front of him he’d be so awkward. he doesn’t really- get sad. he gets angry instead. so he has no clue what to do when someone cries in front of him. he’d go to soda for help on what to do. then soda would go to darry and basically what he does it what darry would do. just like dally over time he’d start to adopt the coping mechanisms you learned and he’d start dealing with his own things too. he’d start journaling. don’t ask why, he just would.

Johnny…well as always with johnny im kinda stumped so ignore how bad this is ok? johnnys sweet, but he’s dealing with so much he just finds it hard to help you yk? you two would lay in the lot and vent to each other but i don’t know if either of you would help each other too much? i say maybe you would convince each other to get professional help n stuff though. in school you two would sneak off together if one of you needed to get away from everything for a bit. again like some of the others, you’d learn to heal together, only this time you’re both aware of it. unlike dal and steve who would try to hide it.

[fire-but-ashes-too]

☆º.⭐︎200 event!!⭐︎.º☆

HIIIIII

OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN AAAAAAAAAHHH

ok so! wow! 200! youre giving me too much power istg im feeling ✨important✨

oh btw here is my intro post

soooo how is this gonna work??? basically u have all these lil red (cause in this blog we stan red) emojis and each one has a meaning! by sending them in an ask (to me ofc lol) you'll get smt! which is basically how every other event usually works lmao

also pls dont just put the emoji, specify what u want lmao

OK HERE WE GOOOO

★•.☆ index ☆.•★

❤️ - therapist moment -> spill the tea bestie tell me your dilemmas and ill try to help u out

🥀 - smol art commissions (keep in mind im not the greatest artist bbut im inda in an art block so ill try everything!) these may take 1-2 weeks max, no nsfw or lot of gore, and mostly not very complex pieces lol (u can choose the medium btw)

☎️ - smol writing commissons! same as before, not more than 3k (idk whats the point rlly but im on block and ive seen ppl do it so ill give it a try)

🍉 - collage board! can be either for you, a character, a song, whatever u want youll just need to specify it :)

🍓 - playlist!! give me a genre and a theme and voila ill make u a playlist

💥 - mAmMA MiAaaAA -> i teach u italian✨ idk this was rlly random but y not?

💃🏻 - free compliments~ ill get u cheered up

🌹 - ill have my old grandma moment, take a seat, get some hot chocolate or some tea or whatever, some cookies and ill tell u about my life :D (maybe specify which kind of story u want? like TELL ME OF WHEN YOU WERE A COMPLETE IDIOT IN FORNT OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE👹 that works well)

🎁 - ash the chef™️ aka i share with u my precious recipes (another very random one but i got back into baking lately soooo why not lol)

🧧 - 3.40 minutes -> u get ONE song for a veeeery specific feeling/moment/situation/ etc etc just specify and the sporacle (spotify-oracle ahahah im so funny ik) shall answer you

👠 - the poetrist aka a variation of writing commissions but on poetry (its more fun if u give me lots of specifcs lol)

🍄 - fandoms 101 -> do you want to get into a fandom? have you seen a fandom which seems really cool but you have no idea on hwere to start or how? call the 13-fire-but-ashes-too-13 (or: my ask box) and get yourself a new fandom to cry over! (this only applies to things im in lmao)

🧣 - idk guys im out of ideas but i wanted the 13 thingies so this is extra, just do watever you want, run free my dears

AHHHHHH OK OK IM GONNA GO NOW SPAM ALL U WANT AND DRINK WATERRRRRRRR

bye :p

[saccharinemeat]

What are your opinions on Hfjone ships?

oh fucking man

okay imma get crucified , but here we go. opinion on popular ones + my own rareship

Liam/Bryce

fucking SUCKS. it can only work if you're self aware about how absolutely awful and hurtful liam is,and i feel from what ive seen that the fandom just reduces them to 'omg doomed yaoi' and like, woobifies them. This ship only and only works as one sided,forced and extremely toxic (in my eyes). Bryce deserves better than Liam, and liam relentlessly hurts Bryce down to the very goddamn end (← i say this as someone who is currently fuckin obsessed with liam and self recognizes in him 😐)

Liam/Amelia

I like this one. I feel like theyre pretty good for each other, although, it's sort of a doomed one,in the sense of how it would work only if they were to be in the plane forever. I do feel like Amelia sort of lost herself in the plane forever. If those two ever got out, he'd have to take some charge on their shared recovery and Liam is NOT gonna deal with that well. Still a cute ship,and I like it.

Amelia/Charlotte

...why? this feels like pairing the leftover main characters because everyone is focused on the Boys TM. they dont really have any chemistry,like,even theorically i feel like they wouldn't mesh well,unless you wanna make Amelia basically Charlotte's therapist. But yay, women! i can't be mad about this one,really. I don't mind it

Liam/Airy

Lairy is...complicated, emotionally. I can see it actually being a thing,but it's really in a fucked up way. definitely a 'i hope we both die' kind of pairing. I think about it and it gives me heartache that i cant explain. it hurts because they both are awful in different ways but also they are trying. I will say i do enjoy it but in a way that makes me hurt. lots of angst there. I think this one especially benefits from becoming a ship that happens after moldpack being A thing

Liam/Charlotte

Okay this one is not popular,in fact i feel like nobody but me is into it but theres so much potential here. especially the way they would be so horribly,terrifyingly bad to each other. I can imagine Charlotte getting out instead of Bryce,and how different it all would be. her prideful nature and liam's manipulative tendencies are so deliciously wrong. I feel they would bring the worst out of each other. I have a lot to say about them but like. Consider those first 5 months. Liam was as isolated as Charlotte was,he only sorta rejoined the others in the last two months stretch, and I think they might've interacted during that. And just, Charlotte WOULD be interested in solving the mystery,she would jump on that chance because she needs control and Liam would be elated at first and horrified later and AGH it would be so messy and interesting. please ask me more about moldpack. im the charlotte/liam person number 1 fan now.

and now rapid fire other ships,

Oscar/Bryce - can see it,and i feel like it makes sense within Bryce's trauma streak. I can imagine them bonding and it getting a bit too close

Bryce/Stella - I wish this had more exploration,object shipcest is so insanely rare. I like it

Taylor/Amelia - kinda cute,can see it if taylor stayed in the plane. Especially if it starts as a sort of one sided crush that goes too far

Liam/Owen - this is cute,can kinda see it but only in a no-show scenario (as in, ONE never happened and this is a coworker romance thing)

Charlotte/Parker - it upsets me,but i can see them as having hooked up once and Parker catching feelings while Charlotte is super uncomfortable about it and that explains that weird tension.

Bryce/Amelia - eh. sure? it's cute but i dont care for it a lot. also i dont care for sodacentpack a lot,but it's better than sodapack alone i Guess. get ♣️'d lmao

ALSO, the crackship/crossover with showvember

Airy/Popcorn - NO. piss off the joke is boring and lame and IDK i hate it.

[egotisticalmachine]

sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

[ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa]

I hope this isn’t crossing a line to ask but I was reading about your sub adventures and idk maybe I’m being close minded but how exactly did you and your wife get to that point? Like she’s truly not jealous or anything? Like is that relationship going to be strictly sex or are you both open to more? Idk that whole world to me is just so foreign and I’d love to know what it’s like.

Not crossing a line at all.

This got long as fuck so putting a read more.

So, here's the thing. You have to have a rock solid relationship with your "primary," aka the partner who was there first and will continue to be first and foremost. Neither of us finds jealousy attractive, and it just isn't something that has ever played a part in our relationship because...we talk? I know that seems over simplified, but it's true. I never have to guess where I stand or what she is thinking because if I don't know, I'll ask, and vice versa.

Trust plays a HUGE role. There can't be any secrets. Period. Full stop. I literally tell Kat everything. She knows who I'm talking to because I tell her. I WANT to tell her. She's the love of my life. I could easily toss her my phone and tell her to look up something, and if she so desired, she could read every single message I've ever sent to the men I meet. She doesn't need to because she trusts me, but the option is there.

We've had people tell us, "Oh, I could never do that because I would be too jealous." And to me, that is a red flag? Jealousy implies lack of trust, and yeah, if you're gonna be jealous, then you can't do this. Plain and simple. We run into this issue a LOOOOOOT on Fet with hetero couples. Their core relationship is struggling, so instead of getting uncomfortable and digging to the root of the problem, they open their marriage, thinking that will fix everything..IN WHAT WORLD DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. idk don't ask me, man. But that has been the most consistent and frustrating part about all of this. I wind up playing marriage counselor because they will say to me what they feel they can't say to each other, and I'm like, how is this my job? I just want to be fucked/choked a little. Im not your therapist. And finding a Unicorn won't fix your marriage, Deborah/Kyle. That can't possibly fall to me. 😅

As far as that person's role in our lives, they have to bring something to the table. They have to benefit us in some way. What men on Fet seem to not understand is that if we wanted to just fuck someone, we could. But we are looking for a bit more than that. We're not saying we are looking for a husband or someone to move in, but we don't really do one night stands, especially with me looking for a full time Dom, there has to be trust and a connection.

Example: one of the most consistent men we've been talking to is very up front with the fact that he just wants to be FWB, however, he knows we are PEOPLE and he is adamant about making sure that the 'FRIENDS' is kept in the fwb equation. He will sext me and get downright filthy, but there are also times when he sends me pictures of his kid at baseball practice or his trip to the botanical gardens and always asks about my day. (He literally stopped talking about eating me out to show me the pumpkins he was growing on his family farm yesterday. 🤣 he is the definition of golden retriever)

We have always been open to the idea of polyamory and view love as it's not a piece of a pie that people take chunks out of, and then it's gone and all used up. Instead, love is always about addition, and if we were to find a third, it's just MORE LOVE. Love is not a finite resource.

I once had a guy on Fet ask me, "If you love your wife so much, then why are you looking for a third? What's missing in your relationship?" And I told him that first off, that's rude as hell, but I gave him an answer. What's missing? Nothing. Literally nothing. We could pack this shit up tomorrow and close our Fetlife accounts, and be 100% happy the way we are. It's not about something missing, it's about the fact that the two of us have more to GIVE.

At the end of the day, we look at this situation with the knowledge that we are so fucking incredibly lucky. Because no matter what happens, we have each other. Our relationship with our third could go down in flames, and yet, I'll still have the love of my life standing beside me, sleeping next to me, navigating the world. And when you have a fail safe like that, it's really easy to put yourself out there and be brutally honest. I'm able to tell the people I meet on Fet, 'Hey, this is me. Here are my flaws, here are my desires, you cool or not?' It is so efficient 😅 I'm too old to play games and know what love is and should feel like, we're a package deal and if they can't hang, then thank you for playing but next contestant.

I hope that helps a bit? The bottom line is that it's not easy because if it were, then everyone would do it.

[croctus]

how would you improve each datable NPC in Stardew Valley?

i was bewildered for a moment before i remembered i was talking shit about them on this blog previously haha! let me see. i think most of them i have issues with just act 10 years younger than they are- so there are a few ways this can be changed?

also keep in mind i adore stardew and really do like these characters even just as they are, im just a hater lol

judging hard-

Alex

i honestly think this guy could be GREATLY improved if he were actively taking care of his grandparents. maybe we see him out walking with them, on the roof doing repairs before a rainy day, running errands for them or cooking for them, etc. boy spends half his time staring at his dog in a household of two elderly disabled folks who could use him. even a teenager could take notice and offer to help.

Abigail

shes one of the most childish unfortunately lmao. i think one of the most glaring is she goes extremely hard in an easter egg hunt against two preschoolers- maybe if she instead tried to help one of them win but got a little competitive about it, thatd be cute? idk. additionally she could work part time at the store, or at the guild, or clint's, it'd fit her character.

Sam

i get the player interactivity elements but what kind of goober goes through all the work to put a band together but doesnt know what genre they wanna play, unless theyre just a teen interested in the aesthetic of a band. it comes across sorta inauthentic. boy rolls his eyes and grumbles when his mom asks him to help clean a fish, too. cmon man, youre grown.

Sebastian

both sam and seb suffer from the same 'gawwd stay out of my room MOOOM' sort of vibes- maybe if they had an apartment together but still regularly visited their parents for dinner theyd come across as a little more grown (not to say that like, living with parents is inherently childish but how they interact with their folks comes across that way). he also really shouldn't be taking his angst out on his opinion of his half sister, and maybe if he had a little more of a solid adult go-plan than 'im gonna run away to the city' hed seem more mature.

could b better-

Shane

i dont want to be harsh on this guy but he sort of backslides after marriage hardcore. depression isnt a singular uphill climb but at least he could show hes still working on it- the occasional mention of a talk with a therapist, or cleaning up a little after himself, etc. maybe trying to eat a little better when living on a farm lol.

Penny

shes fine, other than the scene w/ george: pushing his wheelchair without asking and then HE apologizes/the scene fames this action as a good thing and you lose points with her if you point out it's rude. sometimes in trying to help people, you dont always do the right thing for them - that would be a little more nuanced for her.

im just picky-

Elliott + Harvey

theyre fine? maybe itd be fun if elliott went on some book tours or somesuch in the winter regularly after marriage, and harvey joined a plane hobbyist group or smth. they have a lot of personality but an issue a lot of these characters have is they just sort of putter out after marriage

Leah + Haley

this game has a lot of redheads lol. leah is fine though, and haley is cute. like other npcs id just want them to find their own independent success with their artistic skills- maybe letters come in the mail occasionally to them congratulating them on photos/sculptures making it into magazines, etc, to show they still have their own things going on

Emily + Maru

they're fine, i just like older/fanmade versions of their sprites more lol

[fairycosmos]

do you ever feel like you know you need therapy but you feel like it won't work on you? like i've had Problems since i was a child and i've been on the internet long enough to research and learn most if not all the most common tricks and tips that a therapist would give me so i feel like, apart from maybe giving me meds, it would be a colossal waste of money.. i still know that i need help somehow because i've been rawdogging life for the past 25 years and im Tired, but it feels pointless to spend more money than i have for someone to tell me i need to get away from my abusive family and ~ practice mindfulness ~ lol

absolutelyyyy ive had this feeling and honestly i think meeting therapists you're incompatible with only intensifies that thought process like.....ive had these lifelong problems and you want me to spend my hard earned money that could be going to rent or food on some stranger that is telling me to breathe through my deeply rooted illnesses? it absolutely IS frustrating and i think your feelings of discouragement/burnout/exhaustion are completely understandable. the field of psychology has so many fucking issues that are fed directly into how MH professionals work with patients. im not even sure i have like an answer or a solution to it because i struggle with this exact same thing!

but i guess what i would say is that its important not to discredit the fact that every therapist works differently and every counselling experience is wildly different. you may very well know all the common tricks and tips for dealing with your specific state of mind (i totally agree btw, the internet had made me extremely hyperaware of my own mental issues for better and for worse LOL), but there is always something solid to be offered when you find a professional you feel comfortable talking to, who offers an outsiders insight. even if it's just getting a weight off your shoulders for that one afternoon. therapist shopping is extremely expensive and obviously inaccessible to most, so im not suggesting that - i guess my main point would be don't give up on ALL forms of mental health support available in your community hust because working with a few professionals didn't work out, bc it's so so common and it doesn't mean youre doomed or beyond help. you will always deserve that space to talk and to feel heard, even if you can half-guess what they might tell you in response. it's unfathomably difficult to find a strong, consistent therapist that you bode well with (i would give anything for one LOL) but i do think they're out there and that there are useful tools to be found in therapy or counselling or even just reaching out and being vulnerable in general. what i have tried to accept recently is that asking for help isn't going to solve any of my problems - it is not going to make things normal or easy because i have a neurodivergent brain and i have truly been traumatised. it is just gonna give me the tools and the suggestions i need to get through the day. and i still haven't found that myself - but i think it's likely that it's out there. and it's a step up from rawdogging life, if not a solution to life itself.

im sorry, i know this is not the perfect example or anything close to it. i myself breakdown often because i feel like it's so hopeless and difficult and relentlessly painful. but i urge you to always be open to accepting help if and when it is in front of you. even if it seems pointless. sending a massive hug your way. X

resource / resource/ resource / resource

[gojosoath]

the world underneath your skin — toji fic

MINORS DON'T INTERACT // 18+ ONLY!

pairing: toji fushiguro x fem!reader (uses she/her pronouns)

tags: romance x ANGST x like a SHIT TON OF ANGST x AU (no sorcerer stuff in this au) x action

warnings: alcoholism x self harm (Y/N self harms, i do NOT mean this in any way implying that the reader (you) do this. and that if you have struggled/or are struggling with self harm, this is a major trigger warning. as someone who personally has struggled with self harm, i know how sensitive the topic is) x death (only characters' death from manga is toji's wife and megumi)

summary: After spending most of his life as an underground hitman for desperate means to support himself financially — Toji Fushiguro gets recruited to work as an assassin for the government due to his his mastered skills. Through his new occupation, Toji struggles with muscle pains and is recommended to see a massage therapist. Toji meets Y/N, who becomes Toji’s massage therapist, and the two realize they both have toxic addictions they hide from daylight; Toji’s alcoholism and Y/N’s self-harm. Along the way, Toji and Y/N can’t seem to stay away from each other despite the darkness that threatens to keep them apart. 

Table of Contents taglist: @sakinotfound ;

DO NOT REPOST/COPY MY WORKS ANYWHERE ELSE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ©gojosoath

a/n: please, please read the warnings for this story because it does have a lot of sensitive topics like I mentioned. i'm gonna see what the reaction is to this fic because im not so confident in it?? i just don't know if people will enjoy it, what can i say, i need validation. i'll post this on my ao3 too and comment on this post if you wanna be on my taglist! also i know there's not confirmation regarding toji's height, like some have even said the dude's 5'4?? i get 6 ft vibes from him cuz he's a dilf so we're gonna go with that. anyways, enjoy :)

Part 1: Those Few Silent Seconds Are Everything (wc: 5k)

Toji’s shoulder ached as he finished shooting the target which was assigned for him tonight. The target fell to the ground after being shot on the side of the head. He fell to the ground like a doll, making Toji’s mind stop for a moment and think to himself; did he shoot a human being? 

There was no time to think, only move, and Toji moved swiftly and quietly. He exited out through the window of the target’s house. Toji hopped from the windowsill to the thick tree that was nearby, his hands gripping the branch where he landed on the ground, rolling and coming to a stop with his feet digging into the grass. Toji then jogged up to the gate, climbed over it, and landed on his feet where his co-worker, Shiu, was still waiting for him in the car. Toji got into the car and without a word, Shiu drove off yet again another completed task. 

Toji immediately reached for the pack of cigarettes he had sitting in the pocket of his black blazer. He took them out, sticking a cigarette into his lips where it dangled as he searched for his lighter. 

Shiu reached over and held out a lighter for Toji, “Thanks,” Toji mumbled, the light of red and orange illuminating Toji’s lips. The light went off and was followed by gray smoke to enclose around Toji’s face as he exhaled out through his nose. 

“Was he difficult?” Shiu asked as his thumb messed with the dials, switching between radio stations. 

Toji cracked open the passenger window where he flicked the ashes of his cigarette out of it, “Nah,” He said, “he was oblivious as fuck.” 

“Want me to drop you off back at your place?” 

“Drop me off at the usual,” Toji says to Shiu. Another sharp pain stabs Toji’s shoulder, his hand going over it and massaging it to the best ability he could.

Shiu notices, “That shoulder is still hurting you?” 

Toji shrugs it off and inhales his cigarette, “It’s fine.” 

Shiu settles on a radio station that’s playing what sounds like a commercial pop song, “I still think you should see that massage therapist I told you about. Her hands feel like they’re healing you. She might be a witch or something…” His voice trails off. 

Toji rolls his eyes at the window as he stares up at the night sky, the moon becoming veiled with his smoke. The radio pop station filled in the silence for them and even though Toji wasn’t crazy over the songs playing, he was happy that he didn’t need to make many conversations with Shiu. Toji found himself relaxing when Shiu drove up to the bar which Toji came to after every mission. Toji opened the passenger door, flicked the cigarette to the floor, and stepped on it. 

Before Toji closed the door, he leaned down with his hands in his pockets, “Tell the boss the mission was a success. Everything went smoothly.” Shiu nodded his head and gave Toji a small wave. Toji closed the door and Shiu drove off. Toji walked across the street opposite the bar and to where the river was. Toji took out the gun he had used to kill the designated shooter and threw it into the river. Toji stood there for a moment and overlooked the city view that the bar had, the city lights reflecting in the river. Toji stretched with his fingers clasped over his head and sticking out his chest. He felt like for the first time that day he could breathe. 

Toji went into the bar, and took his spot in his usual chair; the one closest to the front door. When he sat down, the bartender wordlessly set down his usual drink which Toji would get. Toji slid cash across the table which the bartender took and slipped into his pocket. The bar had a couple of people, pretty empty for a Monday night. After a few hours passed and Toji had several empty glasses by him, his blazer was off, resting beside him on the empty chair. He had the sleeves of his black button-up rolled to his elbows. He rested his chin on top of his arm while with his other hand holding the already empty glass. His cheek was flushed red, green eyes shining underneath the dim lighting of the bar. At this point, everyone in the bar was gone. He was always the last one to leave. 

“I had a wife…” Toji slurs at the bartender as he wipes at glasses, organizing them on the shelf. “And a kid,” Toji hiccups, “I loved my wife and kid…both good people.”

The bartender set another glass at Toji, but this one was water with ice in it. Toji continued to stare at his empty glass, “I was s’stupid, I was…” He recalled, “miss them s’much.” 

The bartender listened in silence as Toji continued to ramble about his past. Under the dim lights, tears slipped down Toji’s cheeks, tasting them as they made it to the corners of his mouth. Toji was thankful that alcohol was there for him to give him something that felt close to a hug. 

┅

3 hours earlier

As Y/N was getting ready to close up their clinic, the phone rang on the front desk. Y/N picked it up and said her professional greeting. Over the phone, Shiu’s voice came through;

“Hey, Miss L/N, it’s Shiu.”

“Oh!” Y/N exclaimed, “You calling to set up an appointment?”

“Yes,” Shiu said, “but not for me, it’s for one of my friends.”

“Sure,” Y/N moved the mouse and the desktop screen flashed to life where they pulled up the calendar. “What’s going to work best for them? Mornings? Afternoons?” 

“How late are you open until again?”

“On Monday’s and Friday’s, I’m open the latest, until eight in the night,” You told him.

“Let’s do Friday at seven for this week, do you have any availability then?” 

You pulled up Friday on your screen, “Yes, I do! Are you sure it’s okay that it’s tomorrow? Is it too soon for them?” You inquired. 

“Oh no! Not at all!” Shiu beamed through the phone. 

“What’s the patient’s name?”

“Toji Fushiguro. He needs a full-body massage session, I work with him a lot. He’s got a lot of pain all over.”

You typed out his name in the slot, along with a brief note about Shiu’s description regarding the patient’s issues. Shiu also gave you Toji’s number and you confirmed with Shiu that you had Toji scheduled for this Friday. After the phone call, you went and locked the front door of your clinic and went back to the front desk where you made sure everything was in its place for you to get ready to leave. 

You turned off the lights, bag, and car keys in your hand and drove to your apartment. You were greeted with your cat when you first stepped into your place, kneeling to scratch behind Willow’s ears. You poured Willow's food into her bowl and then headed into your bathroom where you began to wash your face. After finishing, you turned on the water to your shower to let the water run before heading in. You took off your clothes and stood there, arms over the sink, getting lost in all the scars you’ve imprinted over your skin for many years. Every time you looked at your scars, you only wanted to create more. It never seemed to end, there were never enough scars. 

Your hands had a mind of their own, you watched as your hands opened up the drawer that held those precious razors of yours. You could already feel yourself floating up somewhere to the bathroom ceiling, watching your body move. You watched your body operate, your hands opening up the pouch and taking out something that glinted underneath the bathroom lights. You felt yourself come back to life when you felt that first burning of the sharp end cutting into your skin. You were hunched over the bathroom sink, breathing heavily from just one cut. Everything muffled around you, all the pain, the worries, the memories just…gone. This feeling always only lasts for a few seconds, but those few seconds were everything to you. Those few seconds of complete silence were what kept you alive. 

After showering and brushing your teeth, you got into bed where Willow was already sitting next to the spot of your bed that was too big for you. You got settled underneath the covers and cuddled next to Willow where you confessed to her in a whisper;

“Sorry, Willow…I relapsed.” 

┅

Toji woke up on his kitchen floor, his cheek pressed against the cold tiles. When he first opened up his eyes, he thought the world was upside down. There’s something in one of his hands, it’s tangled up with his fingers. His entire body aches; head pounding, shoulder hurt, and back sore. He had to mentally prepare himself to do something as simple as sitting himself up. A moan got trapped in his throat as he used the strength in his arms to sit himself up. Now the world was spinning over, stars dancing in front of his vision mockingly. He finally managed to sit up, having to lean his weight onto the cabinet underneath his sink. He looked down at his hands and saw what was tainting his grasp; his keys. 

Suddenly, Toji’s body was injected with adrenaline, standing up in a heartbeat, and running to the door. His hand went to the doorknob and when he saw the door was locked, he heaved out a sigh of relief. He slid down the door, sitting down with a thump and head dropping down. So he had managed to somehow lock the door after stumbling back to his place after getting embarrassingly drunk. Not even alcohol could numb out his paranormal habits. 

From where Toji sat, he had a full view of the city across the room; his living room was adorned with ceiling to flooring windows. The sky was drooping with gray clouds, it looked like it would rain. Toji — being the big man he was, crawling across the floor, he had a bigger headache than when he first woke up. He crawled to where he had thrown his blazer by his couch. Once he got there, he searched his pockets, pulling out his pack of cigarettes and then his phone. 

Today was his day off, and Toji knew the way he would spend it. It was a Friday and Toji wanted to get drunk…again. He stuck a cigarette into the corner of his lips and unlocked his phone, seeing he had several text messages from Shiu;

Shiu: Hey! I scheduled you for an appointment with that great massage therapist I was telling you about! It’s on Friday at 7 PM! I’ll send you the link to the clinic address! 

Shiu: And no, you can’t cancel the appointment. You owe me one. 

Toji clenched his jaw, his hand gripping his phone until he felt his vision go blurry. The cigarette fell from his lips and into his lap. He didn’t want to go to some stupid massage therapist where they’d probably only make him feel worse. He didn’t want to waste one of his days off going to some stupid clinic that would probably overcharge him for some stupid, hipster healing shit. Toji almost felt like he would cry, a lump forming in his throat. He brought his knees up to his chest, dropping the phone to the floor and the heel of his hands digging into his eyes. He wanted to get drunk some more, he wanted to get drunk until any memories of his life he had experienced up until this point got completely erased from his brain. He wanted to get drunk until he didn’t recognize himself or until he would one night, stumble across the street and be hit by a car. He didn’t want to remember his wife or son anymore. He didn’t want to remember all the people he had killed in exchange for a paycheck. He didn’t want to remember that he was living every day he woke up. He didn’t want to remember… 

┅

Toji completely sobered up by the time it was in the afternoon, sitting on his couch across from his flat screen television that was hung up on the wall. He sat at the edge of the couch, legs spread with a bowl of cereal in his hands. The television was airing news about how the political leader he had shot last night was found dead early this morning. He couldn’t stand anymore hearing about it, so he switched the channel where a re-run of a spy-action movie was playing. 

If Toji wasn’t so pissed off at the moment, he would laugh at the lousy punch one of the guys threw at the protagonist. Toji munched on his cereal, thinking about how if someone told him he’d live in a luxurious apartment the way he does, he would never believe them. Thanks to his unusual occupation, he was given a salary he desperately wished for in his youth. 

Toji spent the rest of his day trying to keep himself occupied; he vacuumed, washed the dishes that had been sitting in his sink for a few days, and dusted his shelves. He even went through his products in the bathroom and threw out ones that he hadn’t used for a long time or simply didn’t want anymore. Toji took a nap, woke up, and made himself some dinner. Toji showered, and he shaved his stubble. By the time he got out of the shower, he saw that he needed to head out soon to get to this damned appointment. He wore a plain, long black-sleeved shirt along with black jeans and boots. 

As Toji heads out of his apartment, he makes sure to draw the curtains over his living room windows. He heads out, wanting to get this appointment over with as fast as possible so he can get to his night off. 

┅

You’re setting up the bed for your next patient that should be arriving anytime soon. You make sure that everything is prepared correctly; the air diffuser, oils, and extra sheets. You step out of the single room and to the small entrance area that has two chairs with a small coffee table between them. There are magazines stacked on the coffee table. You go behind your desk and clean up the papers spread across the desk. You kneel to sort out the papers underneath your desk. 

The bell above the clinic door rings as Toji steps inside. He is greeted with an empty desk and the air smelling like lavender. The aroma is a new sense for him; he’s so used to being around sharp smells like alcohol, tobacco, and…blood. It made Toji’s skin almost form goosebumps from being surrounded by such a tranquil atmosphere? Suddenly, you appeared from underneath the desk, making Toji slightly jump. You had been there all along? 

“Oh!” You exclaimed, “I didn’t even hear you! I’m so sorry — Toji Fushiguro, right?” 

Toji took in your appearance, he eyed you which came off that he was checking you out but this was simply a habit of Toji (thanks to his whole life consisting of his profession). You felt yourself getting uncomfortable by his intense stare. If intimidation had a body form, it would look exactly like him. You noticed immediately the tension in his body just from his posture alone. The black long sleeve shirt he wore hugged his muscles, you could already tell which places in his body needed to be massaged through the tightness. Shiu had mentioned to you about his friend that he was a bit…frigid. He was on the older side, you guessed possibly late thirties, early forties? He had black raven hair that fell over his face, flopping over his ears. 

You grabbed the clipboard with the paperwork along with a pen, “Here, you can sit down,” You gestured with your hand towards the room where the patient was taken for their session. 

Toji gave you a curt nod and followed your greeting by walking into the room. His hands were in his front pockets. When he passed by you, that’s when you noticed it; he had a scar. A scar that ran at the corner of his lips and over it. You felt goosebumps rise on your skin…was this guy safe? He kind of scared the shit out of you. You made a mental note that you’d leave the door open…just in case. 

Toji didn’t sit down, he awkwardly stood by the door that you almost ran into him when you stepped inside. You were quick to dodge it by stepping to the side. He was tall, really tall. You scanned him yourself with your eyes and made a guess; six feet. 

“Okay,” You handed him the clipboard with the paperwork and he grabbed it, giving it a speculating look. “I just need you to take a couple of minutes to fill out the paperwork. It’s just basic information, some background about your health, daily routines, habits.” 

It was then when you realized Toji hadn’t said a single word to you, there was a moment of awkward silence. You had patients in the past who were socially awkward but this guy just seemed straight up like he didn’t want to be here. He looked at you and you flashed him a smile, handing him the pen in your hands. 

“Let me know if you have any questions,” You tell him, “I’ll check back in on you in five minutes,” you’re already moving towards the lobby and you close the door on your way out. When you’re finally out of his presence, you let out a sigh of relief. 

What a weirdo…an intimidating weirdo, you think to yourself. You go over to the front desk and begin going through some emails you still need to respond to. After a couple of minutes, there’s knocking coming from the patient room. The door opens a second later and Toji stands there, clipboard in one hand.

He finally speaks to you for the first time, “All done,” He simply states. 

You go over to him, taking the clipboard from his hands, “Thank you,” You quickly scan the paperwork, walking over to your chair and Toji continues to stand there. You take a seat in your chair and say, “You can sit down, Mr. Fushiguro.” 

Toji listens and takes a seat, you observe the way he moves, even the way he sits. Everything about him is so…stiff. You can see why Shiu made an appointment for him. You begin going through what he had checked off in the form you gave to every new patient. 

“Okay…” Your voice trailed off, gathering your thoughts as you processed his feedback, “what is your main concern, Mr. Fushiguro?” 

Toji reaches up with his hand and sets it on his shoulder, “I’ve had pain here for a couple of months now. No matter what I seem to do…it’s always sore.” 

“Do you have a job where you are lifting a lot of heavy weight?”

“No, I work an office desk job,” He tells you.

You nod your head and scribble a quick note of that on his paper form, “Have you had any recent injuries?” 

Toji says, “No.” 

“Okay,” You set down the clipboard on the table next to you and stand up, “I’ll step out of the room so that you can take off your top and lay on the table.” You pick up one of the sheets that are folded on the table, holding it up, “You can set this over yourself,” You step out of the room and while you give him some time to take his top off, you go ahead and turn on your electric kettle to make yourself some tea. Once the water boiled, you poured yourself a cup and let it sit to cool down on the front desk — there wouldn’t be any more patients coming in for the day. 

Before you entered back into the patient room, you gave a few knocks, “Can I come in?” You heard Toji say it was good to come in and you did so. Once you walked in, Toji was laying down on the table face down, you noticed he hadn’t even bothered with the white sheet; his bare back was completely exposed to you. 

You stopped dead in your tracks when you noticed it; all the scars running down his back, his arms. They looked like old scars, deep scars, caused by sharp objects. Your hands started to shake, could it be…that he also…? Like you? 

You inhaled shakily and snapped out of it, making your way next to Toji. Your eyes scanned over his tanned back, it was adorned with scars. You brought your hands to the shoulder he had mentioned gave him pain. Your touch was delicate, your fingertips brushing against his shoulder pad, making him slightly flinch.

“Sorry, did that hurt?” You asked with alarm, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to — “

“No, it didn’t hurt,” Toji grumbled, “I’m fine.” 

“Let me know if anytime you’re uncomfortable,” You assure him, placing your hands back onto his shoulder, wanting to get a feel for it at first. His shoulder felt tight and strained against your touch, you applied slight pressure, “Is it mainly here?” 

“Yes,” Toji strained. 

You released the pressure, “Okay, I’m going to begin, are you okay with some oils?” 

“Sure,” Toji says. 

You lathered some oil onto your palms and began your work; you massaged upward with your palm while the other slightly squeezed at the muscles around his neck. You couldn’t stand the awkward silence for some reason, so you decided to do small talk;

“So, how long have you been working at your office job?” You could tell that his body was reacting by stiffening itself as your hands worked on his skin. You wanted to tell him to relax, to calm his senses. 

“Ten years,” Toji answers curtly. 

You nod your head, “I see. Do you like your job?”

Toji retorts with, “Do you like yours?”

“I love my job,” You remark, “I enjoy working with all my patients,” you feel Toji slightly relax underneath your massaging. You continue chatting, “Straight from high school I registered for a massage therapy program, and well, here I am.” You kneaded the tight spot on his shoulder, earning a satisfied but small groan from Toji.

“Right there,” He says, “hurts the most there.”

“I can feel it,” You comment, continuing to rub at it, “what do you like to do for fun, Mr. Fushiguro?” 

You hear Toji sigh a little, “Watch some television.”

“Oh really? Which show is your favorite?” 

“Well, it’s not a show but a movie,” You can hear the smile in his voice.

“What’s that?”

“Fifty Shades of Gray.”

You roll your eyes, “I can’t help but feel like you’re saying that to get a reaction out of me.” 

Not only does he feel more relaxed, but even his tone does as well, “I thought a lot of women liked that movie.” 

You snort, “I think you haven’t interacted with that many women then, Mr. Fushiguro.” 

“Is that so?” Toji plays along, “Well, my apologies.” 

“You don’t sound so sincere,” You deride, and then purposely press a little bit too hard on his shoulder, earning a hiss from him. “Sorry,” You say, “did that hurt?”

Toji grunts, “Yeah…” 

You apologize again and continue to knead at his skin, your palms getting a feel of his scars. Your hands move to other parts of his body, moving to his lower back. You explain to Toji as you work out what you’re focusing on, telling him how his muscles down by his lower back feel they need attention as well. Toji hums in return as you work at the tightness in his lower back. The scars are down there, too. His skin is rough overall, the more you work on his muscles, the more you confirm that Toji lied about his occupation. How could someone who works a desk job have such a body like this? He works out, despite his muscles being tight, they’re defined and toned. 

You don’t realize how long you’ve been working in silence until Toji disrupts you, “How old are you?” 

“Twenty-three,” You tell him, “and you?”

“Forty-three…you seem young to be owning a clinic at your age.”

“This clinic used to be my mom’s,” You tell him, “I took over once she…” your voice trails off and you instead say, “she became too old to handle the clinic.” 

You’re by Toji’s upper arms now, his biceps are huge. Despite his age, you can’t deny that he’s handsome. Both of your hands can’t even fully wrap around his biceps. You finish off the massage by rubbing circles with your thumbs starting from the bottom of his neck and down to his waist. 

“Okay,” You grab a cloth set on the table and wipe the oils off your hands, “I’ll give you a couple of moments to get dressed. I’ll be out in the front with your pricing.” You exit the room and calculate his session on the computer. Toji comes out with his long sleeve back on, coming to the opposite side of the desk, taking out his wallet. You told Toji the total and he took out his card, handing it to you. You grabbed the card with your eyes still on the computer screen and didn’t notice that your hand completely knocked into your cup of tea. The tea spilled over your arm, making you flinch from how hot it still was. 

“Shit!” You dropped the card. Toji’s reflexes were fast, avoiding the mug to fall completely over by catching it with his hand while his other hand grabbed your wrist. You panicked, retracting your arm to your chest, holding onto where it burned. 

“You should run that over cold water,” Toji looked alarmed as well, he was already moving around the table and to your side. “Do you have a sink here?”

“I-I do,” You stammer, “but it’s okay, I’ll wash it after I process the payment—”

“You just spilled hot tea over your arm, if you don’t rinse cold water over it now, it’ll leave a burn mark.” His green eyes are boring down at you, his entire figure towers over you, too. Your heart is hammering against your chest, this can’t be happening, no one can see your arms.

“Ms. L/N,” Toji refers to you, “where is the bathroom?” 

“I’ll do it,” You tell him weakly, “let me just process your payment…” 

Toji snatched the card off the table, “Let me rinse your arm and then you process the payment.” 

You stared at him with widened eyes, why does he care so much about you spilling tea over your arm?! Toji looked around, the office was so small, that it wasn’t hard to spot the bathroom. 

“It’s this one, right?” Toji is already walking towards the door towards the back of the lobby. He opens it, flickering on the lights, the bathroom. You’re frozen in your spot, losing a sense of your surroundings. If only you could cut right now. Your arm is burning, but then again, it’s what you desire to feel when harming yourself. You’d done it before, you had burned yourself before with matches, even a heated tea kettle, too. You’d be okay, you knew you would…

“Ms. L/N,” Toji’s voice startles you, not realizing he had made his way back to you. His eyes scan your face, he guides you to the bathroom and you follow, not occupied with trying to stay grounded. You and Toji stood in the bathroom in front of the sink, he turned on the faucet to cold water and he brought your arm underneath the running water, his hand pulling up your sleeve.

Your breath hitched in your throat, your body in paralysis mode as you waited for Toji to comment on your scarred arm. You avoided his gaze, just let your vision blur as you stared at the water running over your arm. 

“Where’s your first aid kit?” Toji asks instead.

“Under the desk,” You tell him wearily. When he steps out of the bathroom, your head hangs low, finally feeling like you can breathe. The cold water was starting to make your arm feel numb…

Toji came back into the bathroom, opened the first aid kit, and took out the supplies; ointment and bandage wrap. He turned off the water and dried your hands with the paper towels in the bathroom. He held the paper towels over your arm for a few moments, he still hadn’t addressed your self-harm scars. Silently, Toji applied ointment to your arm and wrapped up your arm. 

He then took out his card from his back pocket and set it into your palm, “I’ll be out in the front,” He stepped out and you stood there, blankly staring down at your bandaged arm and the card in your hand. 

After doing some breathing exercises that your therapist had taught you before, you went to the front, avoiding your gaze with Toji. He had one of his elbows leaned against the table. You could feel his gaze on you as your fingers stumbled across the keyboard, typing in the total price and then scanning his card. 

You handed the card to Toji and said in a weak tone, “Thank you, Mr. Fushiguro, it was a pleasure working with you.”

“I’ll call to set up another appointment for next week,” Toji’s fingers brush against yours as he takes the card from your hands, “Shiu was right, your hands are like magic.” 

You keep your head down, hiding your bandaged arm under the table. Toji leaves, and it’s then that you realize that Toji had also cleaned up the tea that had spilled on the front desk as well. 

[justanothersyscourse]

Im a questioning system and i have some questions about alters if thats ok?

Tw mentions of pregnancy and childbirth

Is it possible for alters to have sex and for one of the alters to be pregnant in headspace then give birth in headspace? And if so, would the child end up as a whole new alter by themselves or like an " npc" where they cant front and are just attached to that alter? ( we have a little who has an "npc" dog that she formed with but the dog cant front. Btw this hasnt happened to me, im just genuinely curious.)

My next question, is it normal to have an alter who is chronically pregnant/pregnant all the time? Like they dont get any bigger/it dosent develop, its just the way they formed.

Lastly, is it common to have 2 alters form at different times but claim to be related?( i have had this experience. We had a little form then a couple months later a young adult girl formed and claimed the little was her little brother. We also had an adult monster lady form then a month later a young adult lady formed and the monster lady claimed that young adult was her child.)

Is it possible for alters to have sex and for one of the alters to be pregnant in headspace then give birth in headspace?

Ok, real moment? Yes to this. Some people are gonna call it cringe and say that it can't happen, but there's people like @multiplicityandme who have been professionally diagnosed with DID & openly talked about experiencing some of this stuff. Your headspace is your imagination, so literally anything can happen in there. You can imagine yourself having sex, going on wild adventures, eating cereal, literally whatever. It is your mind. No one asks singlets if it's possible for them to imagine having sex, getting pregnant, & giving birth. Systems shouldn't be an exception.

Would the child end up as a whole new alter by themselves or like an " npc" where they cant front and are just attached to that alter?

What happens in your imagination does not imply what is happening in your mental health disorder. So, I can't tell you whether something in your imagination is representing an actual alter or not. You need to use evidence outside of your imagination to figure that out. Is there any evidence of the system being destabilized & splitting? Is this child acting like an alter? Do they influence the body? Do they fully switch & leave evidence of their fronting? How long has this been going on? It's really something I would recommend talking to a therapist about, if you have one.

Is it normal to have an alter who is chronically pregnant/pregnant all the time? Like they dont get any bigger/it dosent develop, its just the way they formed.

I actually know someone who experiences this! For them it was trauma-related. It's not uncommon for your trauma to influence your inner world. The same rules that apply to real life appearance do not apply to mental appearances.

Lastly, is it common to have 2 alters form at different times but claim to be related?

I don’t know how “common” this it but it’s possible. The relationships between alters can be complicated!

[englishstrawbie]

hi! how are you?

i recently saw your lyric prompt challenge and i like your writing, so i thought i’d send one :)

i really like the song Quiet by Camila Cabello and maybe it could make a nice marina fanfiction. to be honest i love the lyrics to the entire song haha but i’m gonna send you the chorus because it sort of reminds me of the maya/carina dynamic.

But now your hands are touchin' my waist

In the back of the car, you just couldn't wait

And now my hands are movin' in ways

Like I need you right now, I just couldn't wait

And my, my mind's made so much noise for so long and it's gone

'Cause when you kiss me, it's quiet

Oh, it's quiet

im sorry if this message was longer than necessary 😅 byee

There is really no need to apologise! Thank you for sending this one, I love the lyrics and I know what you mean, these lyrics feel very them. It also gave me the chance to write a little bit about what their reconciliation might look like. I hope you enjoy it! 😊

A link to the song

>>>>>>>>>>

It had been Maya’s idea for a date night. Something fun and different – plus, they are showing Dirty Dancing. Maya doesn’t tell many people, but it is her favourite movie, something that Carina finds both surprising and amusing.

They are still getting used to being in each other’s company again after three months apart; still healing from the traumas they have both been through. Maya continues to see Diane on a weekly basis, back at work now and settled into her role as lieutenant. Carina is still staying at the Archfield and sees her own therapist once-a-week to figure out her own thoughts and feelings.

They both still wear their wedding rings, both still committed to the idea that they can find their way back to being happily married again, but it is going to take time. So they start with dates – breakfast at Carina’s favourite coffee shop on Jeremy Street in between the end of Maya’s shift and the start of Carina’s; lunch at Enzo’s, where Carina shares stories from her childhood in Italy; dinner at The Everest, where they reminisce about their first proper date.

It is becoming easier, there are less awkward silences and fewer lulls in their conversation. There is a little teasing and flirting sometimes, but Maya doesn’t push it any further than that and Carina needs more time before she will let those walls come down. The most intimacy they have shared is a soft kiss on the cheek before they say goodbye, sometimes lingering, taking in the scent of each other’s perfume that fills their senses with memories.

Carina drives, the large trunk of her Porsche providing the perfect spot to curl up and watch the movie. She has filled it with blankets and cushions to make it comfortable, even gone so far as to put up twinkle lights to soften the mood.

Maya is responsible for the snacks and she brings an ice box full of sodas and sparkling water, popcorn and candy – plus a selection of desserts from Little Roma, the same they enjoyed the first night they met. Too much for just the two of them, but she still gets butterflies in her stomach whenever she knows she will in Carina’s company.

“Are you comfortable?” Carina asks, plumping a cushion a little before resting her back against it.

Maya’s breath hitches in her throat as a waft of Carina’s shampoo fills her nostrils. She had bought her own bottle the day after Carina had visited the apartment for more of her belongings, the smell still one of Maya’s favourite things.

“Yeah,” she says eventually, trying to ignore the way Carina’s legs are resting against hers under the thick blanket as they stretch out in the back of her SUV.

In hindsight, maybe she shouldn’t have suggested spending the evening cosied up in such a small space. It is a little bit of torture, being so close but not being able to touch her – not in the way she would like.

“I can’t believe you convinced me to see Dirty Dancing again,” Carina laughs as the opening titles start to play and The Ronettes start to sing, the sound coming from her car stereo behind them. “How many times have you seen this movie?”

“Not enough,” Maya says with a grin, throwing a piece of popcorn into her mouth. “It’s a classic!”

“You know, I’m not sure inviting me on a date where I have to watch you swoon over Patrick Swayze is as romantic as you think it is,” Carina teases lightly.

Maya blushes. Romance – is that what she’s trying to achieve with this?

“Yeah, but it made you smile.”

Their eyes lock for a moment before Carina looks away and helps herself to a cannolo. She bites into it, the pastry cracking and leaving a smear of lemon cream on her lips. Maya watches as she licks it away with her tongue, sinking her teeth into her own bottom lip to stop herself from expressing her frustration out loud.

They fall into silence as the movie plays, watching as the story unfolds. Carina giggles like she always does at the ‘I carried a watermelon’ moment (“it’s so corny!” she always says), and watches Maya during the dancing scene.

Maya’s cheeks burn, knowing that Carina is watching her.

“Stop looking at me,” she says with a playful shove of Carina’s ribs.

Carina laughs. “I can’t help it. You always look so…” She pauses as she looks for the right word. “…smitten whenever he moves his hips. You never look as enamoured at anyone else.”

“Only when I’m looking at you.”

The words tumble out of her mouth before she realises what she is saying and Maya scrunches her face.

“Sorry, that was…”

“What?” Carina asks.

The soft tone to her voice takes Maya by surprise and she looks at her cautiously.

“Too much?”

She sees Carina shake her head. “No, bella, not too much.”

She doesn’t know who makes the first move, but before she knows it their lips are crashing against each other, the bag of popcorn falling to one side and making a mess as their hands slip under the blanket to find each other. Carina’s fingers find a gap underneath her sweater and grasp at her skin, the physical contact after so long making Maya’s body scream with delight.

The movie is forgotten, the noise around them fading as all Maya knows is Carina’s lips against hers and Carina’s hands on her body. In that moment, it is like all of the pain and anger and fear and loneliness of the last few months is gone in a flash, and all that is left is love.

Carina tastes of sugar and lemon and cola, and Maya feels her head start to spin. And then Carina’s lips are on her neck, sucking and nipping at her earlobe, and a moan escapes from Maya’s mouth.

“God, I’ve missed you,” she murmurs.

“I’ve missed you too, bella, so much,” Carina whispers in her ear, before guiding Maya’s lips back towards her own.

Suddenly, they sense a light on them as a flashlight shines into the back of the car. A security guard looks at them sternly and they break apart, waving their apology at being caught breaking the rules. Maya falls back against the cushion, breathless, as Carina drops her head onto her shoulder, slipping her hand into Maya’s and holding it close to her hips.

“That was…”

“Yeah.”

They sit in silence as they become reacquainted with the movie, neither knowing what else to say. Carina starts to laugh first, Maya joining in quickly. It feels good, like they have found a piece of them again. A piece that is easy and fun and free from hurt.

“I guess Patrick Swayze wasn’t a bad choice for a date movie after all,” Carina muses.

“Oh yeah? Well, maybe we should do this again.”

Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder, her eyebrow cocked curiously. Maya grins at her.

“They’re showing Ghost next weekend.”

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi hi im starting to question if i have depersonalization disorder? My body feels present but my mind isnt? Idk how to explain my mind is always fuzzy and i have bad memory it also feels like im not myself but i get random snaps of reality? Idk im not sure its starting to mess w me and idk who to ask bc i dont have a therapist

I just i get some shed of light＾＾ thank u for reading!

Hi hello! :33

Well, we understand depersonalization as a symptom which can be an aspect of a bunch of different mental illnesses! We don’t really know about specifically depersonalization disorder… do you mean maybe DPDR (depersonalization/derealization) disorder?

Depersonalization can be a symptom in a lot of different illnesses. Um, we can’t diagnose you and we won’t ever claim to! But we can pass along some info and resources on DPDR disorder and depersonalization specifically so you can do your own research!!

(Gonna plug our own infographic on depersonalization vs. derealization!)

Um, as far as we understand, having a bad memory isn’t necessarily a sign of depersonalization in and of itself. There’s a bunch of reasons why someone might feel foggy, hazy, and fuzzy and have poor memory or lots of memory issues! >w<

We know you said you currently don’t have a therapist, but if your symptoms are starting to cause you distress, it may be time to look into finding one! Let us know if you need help, and if you tell us the country you live in, we can try to help you find links to therapy resources in your area!! Therapy is really really important for folks struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses. We’re not saying therapy works for everyone 100% of the time, but if you haven’t already brought your concerns up to a therapist, it may be a good idea to do so! :3

Good luck with everything! We personally know how scary it can be to grapple with symptoms of mental illness without support or answers as to what you’re going through >_<” but we hope you’re able to find the support you need very soon!

💚 Ralsei and 🌸 Margo

[degreeofdisorder]

young royals s3e1 episode reaction:

oh god oh lord

let's go

and his LAWYER? is this about sara reporting him?

oh ludwig speaks

THEYRE BEING SUPPORTIVE???? I fr thought their marriage was a sham lol

PILLS????? KRISTINA??????????

bro wille really is a mini kristina huh.

wait simon's never been to the palace before has he?

a SETTLEMENT??????????

BRO HE POSTED CSAM TO THE INTERNET WDYM A SETTLEMENT

oh. my god burn it to the GROUND LINDA

oh? oh my god? what the fuck???

"piss person" well you little bitch baby that is Indeed what you are so

ugh

Linda is so right but so is Simon

I really hope this isn't how it's solved tho I wanna see August burning

"I just want it to be over" oh my baby boy oh my son

what's this hi hi what is this heartstopper

CAN Y'ALL KISS??? IVE WAITED LIKE A YEAR AND A HALF?

"cozy" oh kflfjdlfjdlgkdlgkdlgkdl little shit

(ps if I didn't rewatch yesterday I fully wouldn't have caught that throwback)

when Simon touched the curtain I knew kslfjdlfjdlfjdlfj

THEYRE SUCH PRETTY KISSERS IM GONNA RIP MY LEGS OFF

IS THIS HOW YOU IMAGINED IT

THIS IS BETTER

BROOOOOOOOOOO IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT

omfg they're SO CUTE I'M LOSING MY MIND

oh OH oh they're GOING at it

oh come ON

well that was precious as all hell

and now they're going back inside as if they weren't dry humping in wille's room 3 minutes ago. kings.

I want to smash rickard's face against a fire pit

simon: oh fuck. wille: oh yea you're lucky I didn't shoot you piece of shit

I'm losing my mind at linda being extremely surprised while kristina's like "sighs yeah. fucking figures. erik would never"

also losing my mind at wille's face lil bro is like AND I WILL DO IT AGAIN BAP BAP BAP

[maddie voice] FUCK YOU AUGUST

oh now linda's all disappointed. ok. be a better mom then.

i will literally rip August's face off idc

KRISTINA??????????

KRISTINA

omg felice

oh baby girl no

BUT SARA WAS A SNAKE

I want to give felice so many hugs my bbg

oh my god farima what the fuck sjgldjfkdjfldkf

WHAT THE FUCK

oh my god she really said "ok you're super gay now, wonderful, how can we use this to our advantage"

WELL ASK THEM?? YOU'RE THE LITERAL MOTHER IN THIS SCENARIO. ACT LIKE ONE.

linda has been pissing me tf off since last season idc

omg someone snitched on hillerska

OH

OHHHHHH

OH THEY KISSED IN PUBLIC

OH MY GOD

OH THEYRE GOING ALL OUT

hey now hey now this is what dreams are made of etc etc

BOTH THE CROWN PRINCE AND YOUR BOYFRIEND

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA

B O Y F R I E N D

let's fuckin GOOOOO ENDGAME BITCHES

if simon sneaks out it's gonna bite them in the ass tho lmao

"sleep with a freshman" August did that twice lmao gross

OH THEY KNEW

OH MY GOD HE'S DOWN BAD

vincent is such an asshole barfs

DONT TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT AWAJFLSJFKSJFSKJ

fine. I'm coming out. i am a big august/sara enjoyer.

not the tiny heart that's so fucking cute

he can't get tattoos?? that's such bullshit. get a tramp stamp wille it's what you deserve

not felice unloading on wille and simon HDKFJDKGJ babygirl I love you and you need a therapist bc that's so inappropriate

"how do you get over your best friend" felice baby im gonna send you a google doc called the lesbian masterpost hang on

yeah of course that piece of shit nasty asshole talked to the press lmfao

"ex" y'all kissed like twice, [clare from derry girls voice] look at the state of ya

actually? can rosh and ayub talk to him? with their fists? and a knife preferably?

you know, I actually kinda like nils. he's so fucked up but you can see he genuinely cares abt wille. in his own lil fucked up extremely upper class way.

SARA

SARA NOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh lmfao that's literally how my dad's house looks like when I show up haha sad

omg are they gonna initiate her again

OMG

OMG BABY GIRLS

BRO THEYRE GONNA CLEAN HER ROOM AND TAKE HER TO NEW YORK

TEEN GIRLS BRO

oh wille seems so cozy. wonder what's going to go down now.

oh did they write an article abt simon

oh

oh it was not about simon

oh sweet baby jesus

I mean. it was totally alexander wasn't it lmfao

but also like....... I love that they're blowing that shit up. blow that school up.

ALL CLASSES?????

aw they're sitting together. boyfriends.

"did that happen to you" how is wille more worried abt the gay porn one and not ALL THE OTHER SHIT THEY DID TO HIM

oh I like her she reminds me of the lady from the incredibles

ohhhh

NOT THE PHONES TOO?

get over yourself vincent. fuck you vincent.

oh they're gonna close this shit

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck okay wonderful

[the-wolfspider]

[Loading Video File.]

[Video File: Lab Recording O1.]

[Play? Y/N]

*Bowe is sitting at a desk fiddling with a measurment, and sighs.*

Hello. My name is Atticus Bowe-Lopez.

I have recently started therapy, and my therapist told me to make a journal. I hope that a video journal is suitable for him, cause I don’t like writing down my thoughts. Prefer it to be a spill of mush from my mouth for others to interpret.

*He clears his throat.*

Anyway. I reckon I can say anything in this thing cause only him and I are gonna see it.

So, to start off, He told me to answer some questions for him so that’s what I’m gonna do. It’s like having homework all over again.

Ahem

*Thered the sounds of paper rustling before he pops back up in frame.*

Alright. He wrote them down for me, so.

Question 1: What is your greatest fear?

Cheesy. Alright. I’d say my greatest fear is hurting the people I care about. I reckon that’s due to me having done it before and it’s a pattern I fear to repeat over and over. I’m trying to change for the better and yet I still fail. But I’m hoping that if I actually work myself out. That I won’t. That I’ll be able to control myself better. That I’ll be a good husband, I’ll be a good father, a good friend, and not be a jackass like I have recently.

Question 2: if you’ve done something terrible in the past, do you think you should be forgiven?

Okay Damn right from general question and right into stabbing me.

Short answer is No. I don’t think I should be forgiven.

I don’t think I should be forgiven for what I’ve said or what I’ve done in the past few days. I feel like I did stupid shit, terrible acts and yet I didn’t get punished.

Where are the consequences? Is there not supposed to be something to punish me for nearly killing my husband? For running off? For doing a stupid mission that led me nowhere?

…I think I made myself retire now as a punishment. As a way to keep myself from flying off the handle. …Maybe I can limit my Goober capabilities too…I’ll have to ask Lyla..at some point…if she’ll talk to me.

Question 3: Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about our next session?

I mean yeah. I’ve got shit loads. At the moment I’m worried about my situation with Duende. With Lindsey. With Miguel. With Mer. With Everyone.

Im worried about the choices I’m making.

If I’m in the wrong ship.

If I’m going to end up hurting others again cause I’m insisting that I can help.

But everytime I help I screw something up it seems.

…but Im also thinking about Lyla…

We had such a good friendship…but I think she hates me now…and that’s one of my worst fears.

Having an Ai despise me when she knows so much about me.

She’s been missing ever since she encountered duende and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen next. Out of all people she would be the one to be able to deliver a heart wrenching punishment to me…

I cared so much for her that it made me forget she’s one of the things that scare me the most, Especially with her access to so much information about me, my past, and everyone I care for. That if I get on her bad side that she could easily tear me down…god I hope it doesn’t come back to that.

Please let her just be in Maintenance…please I don’t need her to have been planning a way to get me out of here. To get Duende out. I don’t think I could handle that.

I—

*A flame flickers out in the background before flaring up in a huge puff]

SHIT—

[The video Ends there]

[problemnyatic]

how do you move on from something terrible you may have done while you were at the lowest point youd ever been in your life? how do you forgive yourself when closure is not an option? i want to apologize to them but i cant. i cant contact them ever and i cant even remember what i did, only guess with that memory is left to me. and there might be a part of me thats still too bitter to apologize. they talk so much about love but when i was bleeding on the floor they kicked me before they left, they talked shit behind my back while i was out of it and delusional and unable to explain anything. and now ive heard they talk about healing from Me. they never brought up a single thing about my behaviour until they told me to get fucked then told me my communication is shit and that im a hypocrite. i had no clue id done anything wrong until they abandoned me. what am i even supposed to do in a situation like this

I... worry that it will become a pattern that folks come to me expecting me to solve their deeply tangled emotional knots. While I have the ability to, it takes a lot to even receive an ask like this, let alone to answer it adequately. I am not a therapist, I am simply getting a good grade in therapy. I will answer this one, but please, folks, I have less energy to spare than it may seem. I can't save all of you individually.

With that said..

I've done terrible things in the past that I'd take back in a second. I've had moments where I know others came away hurt, but I'll never know if I could've done better in the moment, if it was truly my own failing that was the key factor at play.

The ambiguous ones are harder.

Ultimately, you will need to learn for yourself how to make peace with the past. It cannot be changed. And it seems that in your case, you've taken disproportionate and inhumane punishment for whatever your infractions may have been.

When we carry the past on our shoulders, agonizing on what the "right" way to feel about it is, we keep ourselves from moving forward, from growing. Regardless of how much, and of what, was your fault, it seems the best path is to let go and move on.

It's never gonna feel good.

But the best you can do by those you have wronged is to grow, and that means leaving your regrets die and decompose to fertilze the soil you grow from. Move forward with stronger boundaries, moving more slowly, mindfully of others. Understand your limits, and be forthright with them - even if they feel shameful, the right people would be glad to have the heads up, rather than have to pry them from hiding or worse- hit them like a landmine.

And ultimately? If you were never told you needed to change until they'd already burned the bridge? That's on them. Even if you'd been doing wrong by them, even if you'd secretly been a horrible friend, expecting someone to read minds and simply Realize They're Fucking Up without ever being actually told is petty, avoidant bullshit.

The right friends know when to tell you to fuck off before real damage is done.

Take a deep breath, and as you let it out, slowly, let the past flow out with it. There's nothing to be salvaged back there, but the future can be, the present can be.

I'm sorry you went through this, and good luck going forward♡