#myself. but hearing real people's stories makes me feel like that kind of community would be nice to have elsewhere too

[girls-and-honey]

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[piaduarte]

How I manifested all my desires into reality

I assume you've been in this community long enough to realize some posts contradict themselves, to the point where a thing as simple as manifestation has become something much more complicated;

"You have to repeat affirmations all the time, until you sound like a broken record!"

"No, no, you have to daydream all day, don't be afraid to be delusional!"

Everything is just so confusing. Maybe your feed is filled with this crazy success stories, like mine once was, and you sit there amazed while you read them and you ask yourself "Why can't I do that?", like I once did. Well, my dear reader, you are about to change your own life.

So, let's get started!

Ok, so it all started a couple of days ago. I was mindlessly scrolling through my feed, reading these posts I told you about. Just a normal day. I'd been into manifestation and spiritualism for a while, and I was incredibly addicted to Tumblr out of the sudden; these posts, these stories... They were just so interesting and so visually appealing I just couldn't bring myself to stop reading them.

Well, the thing is, I could spend entire days — and I did actually spend them — like that, just sitting in the couch and getting all kinds of impressed by all these stranger's abilities to make their dreams come true. But after a week or so I got kinda tired of all that. You know what I'm talking about:

"Why can't I do that? I'm so stupid, they said it should be easy" - old me

"Maybe I'm just losing my time with this" - yep, old me again

NO.

Did you hear me? I said no. Can you believe all these stupid thoughts almost made me give up in my journey for the second time? I can see it all so clearly now; my brain was rotting thanks to these stupid thoughts. And, my dear reader, what do we do about things that hurt us and keep us from becoming the person we want to be? Exactly; we get rid of them. So, after that, I knew I had a choice to make.

Should I keep making myself feel bad, or should I embrace my power and finally become the manifestation master I was born to be?

Enough with the negative self-talk. Enough with letting people manipulate me and treat me like I'm an inferior. Enough being the victim. I'm the master of my own life, and I'm a God. I manifest whatever I want into my life because I can and I'm able to do so. And once you realize that, there's no coming back.

So now I want you to get clear of what you want, and breathe. Is it a new job? Is it new friends, a new house, maybe even all at once? Fine, you got it. It's done. You can relax and you can forget about it, because it is already yours. I know you've probably seen this sentence like hundreds of times already, but after actually understanding it, you realize it's true.

Look outside your window, step into your balcony, go for a walk. All these things you see, you believe them to be real, right? So let me ask you a question; why would your desire not be as real as those houses, as those buildings? When you close your eyes, you can see it in your mind; your new workplace, your new friends, your new house. You can see all those things. They are real too.

Not so long ago, I learnt about the 3D and the 4D: as you probably already know, the 4D is everything you imagine, your desired reality, the insides of your unique and beautiful mind; the 3D is the "reality". But actually, it's the exact opposite: the 4D is your only reality, and the 3D is actually some kind of mirror that projects everything you want. The insides of your mind. You can see and feel all your desires because they are real, and no matter what, now that you've imagined them and you've decided you want all those things, the law is obligated to grant your desires to you and you only. There are no exceptions.

Your desires can and will come true.

[msmargaretmurry]

i wanted to write some fandom-related new year's reflections down and this felt like the best place for it! i miss livejournal every day!

i don't generally do formal new years' resolutions, mostly because i am always too busy around the new year to really sit down and think and reflect about what they should be and how i would want to measure them, but i do think the new year is a good time for a little mental reset regardless and i have been Pondering over the past few weeks about what i would like that to mean for me...... i have always complained that tumblr as a platform is terrible for making friends and i stand by that (i have met good friends on tumblr but the friendships flourished when we took the conversation elsewhere) but i do think this past year i have been #blessed in obtaining some really lovely mutuals and acquaintances On Here in a way that has made me feel more connected to hrpf fandom at large, which has been really nice ❤ so that is something i would like to continue in 2024. i hesitate to be like "i want to spend more time on tumblr" because i probably do not need to do that lmao but i do maybe want to try to be a little more proactive about making/maintaining connections and loose ties. my dear pal kasper @moregraceful has talked about fandom as community and that always resonates with me, because it can be so easy to feel like you are feeding Content into the Content Machine for people to Consume and honestly that is so miserable! i don't want that! maybe 2024 will be the year i finally post my thoughts on the interminable "bookmarks comments are for readers, not writers" discourse.

anyway. i know a lot of the actual fandom ~conversation these days happens on discord, which is am afraid of, but idk maybe i'll try to have more of an open mind about it this year. but maybe i won't. making no promises to myself there 😂 i am trying to be realistic about how much free time i will have for fandom in the midst of work and grad school and real life social life so i think the upshot here is wanting to be thoughtful and deliberate about how i spend the free time i do have for this stuff.

on the fanfiction front...... i came into 2023 in a pretty shitty mental place about writing, mostly due to how lonely i felt about writing-as-community in 2022 — it's just not fun to feel like your friends are having fun without you about things you thought you'd be included in! — and spent most of the year trying to pull myself out of it, with middling success. like, i enjoyed the head above water ficlets i added to that universe but i do still feel a little crappy that those were the only things i was able to finish writing. i have so many stories i want to get out! so i am also trying to look at this new year as maybe a chance to give myself a clean slate and say that no matter what writing goals i set for myself i will also try to be gentler with myself and focus on enjoying the writing process regardless of the end product. but i would also like to actually finish some real fics this year, lol. i might set some measurable goals, but that will not be happening until i get home next week.

in conclusion, idk what i want this year to be yet! a friend of mine recently mentioned the joys of using the julian calendar for her winter celebrations means the new year isn't until january 14, so the first two weeks of the year get to be kind of a "soft launch" of the year to figure out what works best and i did immediately steal the concept even though i am a gregorian calendar girlie. so i am still pondering, still percolating. if for some reason any of you actually read all this and have your own fandom- or writing-related new year's goals/resolutions, i would love to hear them ❤

[xiaq]

Why do feelings have to be so confusing???

I’ve never been super into labels, but if I had to choose I probably would have gone with aroace. I kind of figured I wouldn’t ever find someone I wanted to be in a relationship with and that was fine.

But now I’m 30 and somehow in a relationship for the very first time with this person that I love so much. And it’s wonderful and amazing in so many ways, but I also feel so crazy with it??

I feel like a teenager with their first crush but also too old for that and it’s like I don’t know how to trust myself in this because I’ve never felt anything close to this before.

Feeling romantic and sexual attraction for the first time there’s a part of me that’s like how has everyone been living like this the whole time??? It still doesn’t feel like it should be real somehow, even though I’m now experiencing it firsthand.

Anyway I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this, but if you either advice or even just stories to make me feel a little less ridiculous, I’d love to hear them!

I think it's really REALLY important to remember that socially reinforced ideas of normalcy when it comes to exploring sexuality are not, actually, normal. A. Because people are people and what works for one person doesn't work for others. While there's obviously going to be a bell curve on the graph of "when do people typically sort out who they want to kiss (or not kiss) and start doing that" there is going to be a steady, not insignificant, number of folks that are on the upward and downward swing of that bell curve before you even get to the far outliers, and that's to be expected. B. Traditionally accepted timelines for building a sense of sexual identity don't apply anymore. The average age for (first) marriage is creeping back each year. In the US in 1900 it was 26 for men and 22 for women. Now it's 29 and 27 respectively. Women, especially, don't have nearly the pressure placed upon them that they used to to quickly find someone who will take care of them seeing as we can now open bank accounts and own property and work for (mostly) equal pay and all that jazz. So there's that to consider.

But also. Humans, human bodies, are never stagnant. You might have heard the fun factoid that all our cells are replaced every 7 years. That's not entirely accurate, but it's true that the body does regenerate skin and bone and liver and stomach, and so on, cells at a kind of mind-boggling rate. There are things that we're born with that don't change like some of the neurons in our cerebral cortex, I think, but as a species we are generally made to adapt to new experiences and environments so much so that our bodies are in a constant state of change themselves. You're just...doing what you're built to do. Something new has happened and you're adapting to it.

And yes, it can be scary and make you feel very vulnerable when you don't have historical relationship or sex-related context like other people your age might have, but that's when you get to lean on friends and/or talk to your therapist to make sure you're approaching things in a healthy way, there aren't red flags you're missing, etc. Because humans are also pack animals and we thrive in communities in which we can share each others burdens and wisdom.

As someone who also had built what I thought was a pretty clear assessment of my romantic and sexual identity over 29 years, only to have it challenged and rebuilt at 30, I fully empathize with the way you feel. But I leaned into the feelings of confusion (and frankly, giddiness, at times). Who says teenagers are the only ones that get to experience first crushes? Who says 30 is too old for self-discovery? You get to decide how you interact with the world. Who cares what other people are doing if what you're doing makes you happy and hurts no one.

[misfitclassismyfreetherapy]

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #2

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~

Dark humor again. Woooh.

⚠️ Also this post might contain triggering topics such as smoking, juuling and more. ⚠️

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #1

Agares: You know if cats slept for an entire day, people will find them adorable and cute. But if I do it "I have mental health issues" and "I need help"? Seems quite unfair.

Kerori: Agares Picero. You slept for three straight days with no eating, skipping three days of school, not even communicating with us. You gave Gaap a heart attack-

Agares: I suddenly lost my ability to hear shit.

Kerori: You bitc-

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #2

Purson: Okay what happened with Jazz-kun and Lied-kun because I heard screaming beforehand and then when I came into the room they were cuddling and sleeping with eachother.

Iruma: Oh, Jazz-kun found a JUUL in Lied-kun bag and got mad and then Lied-kun called him a hypocrite because he also smok-

Purson : To make a long story short..?

Iruma: They fought and then one of them cried then comforted eachother while joking about their trauma.

Purson: It was wholesome until you added the last detail. Why?-

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #3

Agares: This cup of coffee represents my love for myself.

Gaap: Agares-dono...it's empty..

Agares: Exactly.

Kerori: Okay, who thought you dark humor? I- Wait ...*turns her head to Lied*

Lied: *sweating while pretending not to hear*

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #4

Iruma: Hey, Azz-kun do you think I look fat?

Asmodeus: ..Why?

Iruma: I'm sorry I just..

Asmodeus: No, why would people be so stupidly blind to not see your elusive beauty? Damn demon these days..

Iruma: * raises his eyebrows then quickly smiled*

Meanwhile..

Kerori: Imagine saying you're not depressed but your favourite song is "Look who's inside again."

Agares: Is this because I didn't follow your devi-account yet? I'm sorry that I don't like to follow akudols that I don't like.

Kerori: I hate you.

Agares: Glad the feelings mutual.

⭐Kerori and Agares is totally not inspired by my friendship with my friend irl. Nope definitely not.⭐

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #5

Kalego: Okay you brats,what the fuck do you do when you want to call for emotional support?

Misfit Class: Oh we're fine, how are you?

Kalego: No, just no. I'm literally gonna fucking kill your therapist at this point.

Dantelion who just went to annoy Kalego: ...

UPDATED!

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes #6

Lied: What the devi? Hey, Agares what are you doing in the middle of the nig-

Agares: Do you know that there is over in lover.

Lied: Uh-

Agares: and end in friend.

Lied: UH-

Agares: and good in goodbye.

Lied: Isn't that kind of dark- anyways please go to sleep it's one o' clock in the morning.

Agares: Says your gaming addiction.

Lied: Says your coffee addiction.

Agares: Says-

Purson who can't sleep because of them: OH MY DEVI, WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP! WE"LL DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSING BULLSHIT TOMMOROW. GO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE SHITS! YOU"RE LUCKY I CARE ABOUT YOU OR ELSE I WOULD'VE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

Claire's note:

Two hc I have showcase in this incorrect quote.

Uno, the Misfit Class sometimes sleepover at the royal one as a way of bonding.

Dos, Purson is a real bitch when he doesn't get any sleep.

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ENDING

My content is turning into dog-shit ain't it? Yeah, yeah it is. Btw I'm thinking of making a misfit class hamilton play in my fanfic. The demons starring the schuyler sisters.

Lied- Angelica

Iruma- Eliza

Agares- Peggy

Them three because them crossdressing is my literal sanity.

What do you think? My hand tells me no but my brain is telling me yes. I still don't know who should be hamilton though, I'm open to suggestions. Anyways I wish you a good day or night! See ya guys, gals and non-binary pals!

[suzyq31]

A note to fellow Harmony readers/writers

Hello everyone,

I feel the need to say something about recent events. A post on the Harmony subreddit has given a platform for people to air their grievances about a particular story. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this happen and have been on the receiving end. And it really sucked. I’ve let myself believe that is part of being in this fandom, having your work ripped apart publicly and regularly.

I would like to ask the moderators of these spaces to please consider changing their stance on this. Adding in a rule that prevents posts like the one mentioned, among others. Again, this really isn’t meant to cast blame on any particular person. There was a comment about how writers need to stop acting like their god's gift to writing or the fandom, and to simply get over negative criticism. I want to clarify I don’t think that I’m special, or that my voice matters because I happen to write fanfic.

I’m no god, but I am a human. One who is dealing with their own pain as best they can. There are real problems that are much larger than fandom. Which makes it all the more difficult when I do choose to escape the horrors, only to find more negativity. I don’t expect the internet to always be a ‘safe space', but I do think fandom spaces can be more focused on positivity.

All of this has made me reevaluate my own role within fandom. I’m giving myself time and grace to make a final decision on how I want to move forward. In the meantime I would encourage anyone who cares about the fandom community to please reach out to the team at HMS Harmony (with kindness, they are also humans with feelings and lives.) If you feel inclined you could ask them to consider adding some caveats on how fics are discussed on public spaces such as Reddit and discord.

On another note, I myself haven’t always been as kind as I would have liked. If I’ve ever said something that’s upset anyone, I’m sorry. I regret some of the ways I’ve shown up in fandom over the years. I’m personally working on my own anger that I wrestle with, in real life and on the internet. Overall I would love to see if we could all think more carefully in how we discuss things, especially people’s creative work.

If you are a reader, there are so many positive ways you can contribute. The number one way is to reach out to those authors whose work you adore, especially those who don’t receive many comments. Tell them what you love about how they write Harry and Hermione, let them know their work matters to you. I promise it will make their day and encourage them to keep going. When you participate in fandom, focus on discussing the stories that make you go hell yes! Make fandom friends, who you can privately talk more in depth about works or what doesn’t work for you in a fanfic. Discord can feel private! But when you have over 5k members it isn’t and discussions that veer into complaining about an author’s choices it can start to come across as a pile up. I know hearing about how my own stories are discussed has left me discouraged.

To quote Albus Dumbledore-"Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.” There is collective power in how we engage. I’ve personally adored this pairing since I was a young child. To this day I still remember some of the storylines that I would play over and over in my head. I took solace in the magical world when I was bullied and I spent my lunch hours hiding in the library with my copy of PoA. As an adult I’ve turned to writing fanfic while trying to manage grief and the overwhelm of figuring out this next stage of my life. What has stayed consistent is my love of these characters.

It took me 22 years to start writing down my ideas, and I’ve found a lot of joy in doing so. I know many other writers have to. There really is nothing like getting a story out of your head and onto the page, even better? Getting to share it with others who love those characters too. We should think of ourselves as lucky that there are so many different stories out there to choose from. And that so many people choose to share their creativity with the world. I truly think we have more in common than we may realize, readers/writers/moderators etc.

I’ll leave you with this poem, because I find poetry always expresses things better than I can.

All the best,

Suzy.

[precious-little-scoundrel]

What got you into writing/how long have you been writing?

What’s your writing inspiration?

Do you write in silence or need background sounds? Like music?

Do you struggle more with dialogue or detail?

Any tips for someone who wants to write fanfiction?

How do you differ all your OC’s so you don’t rewrite the same characters over and over?

Do you do research?

— from someone who would love to write their own stories lol but yours are great!

My darling. So many apologies for how tardy I’ve been in replying to this, I really wanted to give it due thought because I’m quite touched you’d even ask.

1: I’ve been writing since I was little, my mama was always reading me classics and my greatest ambition was to be some kind of author every bit as colorful as their characters, a la Oscar Wilde. 🥳

2. Writing inspiration? Oh that’s a hard one only in that I could cite a million things and chat your poor ear off, but to be boring and also frank -I just love stories. I think they’re so inspiring and healing and necessary for making sense of things, or else resigning to things that can’t be explained. I love to study love and how very human and fallible and also indestructible it is in its many forms. I love to dig through tragedy and find the refining purpose of it, I love to take characters through hells I’ve been through so that I can imagine their triumphs, too, and my own through them. If this can happen to -name your hero- then I’m no smaller for it happening to me, if -name your hero- can get through it and be loved and admired by a whole fandom? -I deserve the same commendation from myself at the very least. Stories are essential and fun and I never ever imagined I’d have a little group one day liking my own where we could all scream about these things together. I’m legit so humbled each time I log on here and find y’all ready and waiting and interactive. The community of it, that’s the biggest drive right now, tbh. What a sweet season.

3. I usually write in silence, or else at any chance where I have a moment, so that could be public transport or lunch breaks or in the loo during family holidays, ha. However I do find music to be an inspiring mood setter for writing later that day. Especially as i juggle many ongoing projects at once, the genre im listening to before may very well influence what gets worked on.

4. Detail!! Dialogue can be challenging but I hear it so clearly in my head most of the time that it’s not hard. Details can devastate me.

5. Ooof, I still feel like I’m a baby at it, this is only my second fandom to dare for. I’d say for sure write what you find inspiring instead of what appears to be wanted, i firmly believe that’s the only sure way to keep up any inspiration and the niche will draw its own crowd, one’s who will like it all the better for its specially crafted world. Also, for dialogue -replay and replay dialogue from the character before you write. Are they terse or do they ramble? Are they sarcastic or earnest? Do they have a word they repeat often? -I noticed the other day how Rosenthal uses “you know?” often in the show. Also, sometimes switch up sentence structure from character to character, it helps feel like hopping brains without a fully jarring POV change. All these are things I’m currently working at myself, but that’s the best I’ve got for advice.

6. Oh boy I’m still figuring this out myself. Three things come to mind as little helps I use- first off, read real biographies, it helps tremendously with crafting fully dimensional fictional people. Two -have a maturing arc for your OC during the story, separate from whatever adventure or romance that occurs, this will make it feel less like a inserted person into the broader story. Three, choose a personality type or something similar to both keep them separate from the next but also to ensure their virtues have corresponding vices.

7. I do research a lot. But I find that it’s a fine line for myself of when that drains all creativity or bravery. Im massively indebted to so many mutuals who generously share their own with me.

[james-vi-stan-blog]

I’m tired of people on Twitter calling King James a groomer like they’ve done research on his history🤦‍♀️

-✨

OK I have been holding myself back from fully saying everything I think about this. I already rambled about it (to you and once to someone else) but do you wanna hear my fully problematic opinion?

This reaction is homophobic and misogynist.

Because if THIS is the period drama that makes these people cry "groomer", if GEORGE VILLIERS the 21-year-old fully age of majority male social climber who wades into the Jacobean court and slugs it out for the top position is the person in history that's making them fret over unfree choice and power dynamics, what the fuck?

THIS is "grooming" and "csa"? THIS? While all around them in this period, you know what age the women—you know, the gender that literally completely loses an independent legal identity and has no rights and is literally referred to as part of a husband's chattels—are getting married off at? Do these people have anything to say about Henrietta Maria (15), Anne of Denmark (15), MARIANA OF AUSTRIA (14), or Mary Princess Royal (10/12)? How many period dramas have these people watched and smiled at the pretty ladies in pretty dresses, and then a young man wheedles his way into the bed of the king and THAT'S what needs discourse about?

"James was taking advantage of George's financial situation" WOMEN. HAD. NO. RIGHTS. Torture is accepted in the courts. The social structure is completely unequal all the way down and this is the understood as the will of God. There are no human rights. The Levellers (30 years from M&G) are going to be largely rejected as ridiculous. Margaret Cavendish is going to be known as "Mad Madge" (50 years from M&G) because she's a woman who has thoughts. John Locke's treatises aren't gonna be published until 70+ years from M&G. The Mansfield Judgment against slavery in England is 150+ years from M&G. And as far as the rights of minors go, R v Hopley was 245 years after M&G. (If you don't know that case don't look it up unless you want nightmares)

Yeah I know this is whataboutism but seriously. SERIOUSLY.

What kind of bizarre fucking fairytales have these people been consuming where the system of monarchy is a fun and friendly egaliatian social environment where there is no coercion and all relationships especially royal ones are certified unproblematic and 100% acceptable according to our modern standards? don't tell me i do actually know, ugh

"This relationship has coercive elements in it!" YEAH. YEAH, IT DOES. That is, we hope, one of the points of the show? The point of telling stories about relationships in the past? To examine how humans, who had emotional needs and hopes, coped under unfree oppressive conditions and were drawn into those same networks of exploitation and abuse? This weird and ugly story about a remarkable relationship and all the horrible people orbiting around it is such a fascinating case study about how real human feelings like affection, loneliness, kinship get refracted through the lens of politics and power, and the result is not pretty. But flattening it down into a tale of inhuman unfeeling Bad People would lose so much potential for exploring how bad and disgusting that SYSTEM is. If it's just Bad People Being Bad To Each Other For No Reason then the historical conditions are absolved and we can file this narrative away into a box that has nothing to do with us Good People and has nothing to say and nothing that could make us reflect about the past and future, and has no purpose other than spectacle and voyeurism and schadenfreude.

Guys, we're in a bad time here in 2024. And I cannot help but think that this kind of reckless leverage of "groomer" against specifically a gay relationship, whether intentionally or not, is part of the ongoing, intentional campaign by international regressive community to dilute the meaning of that word so that it can be deployed against real-life gay and trans people.

Even though I personally don't think it's accurate to say that James groomed George (Mary did if anything, but again, adult man who was not legally under her power), if someone wants to believe that, whatever, we're all interpeting history here. But using that word, in this particular moment, going after this particular show, reviving the bogeyman of the homosexual predator that those of us who are old enough remember being openly used against us and see it getting dusted off to be used again right now, is deeply suspect to me and I just…

Anyway name an unproblematic relationship from the period of coverture.

[faithfromanewperspective]

how did you arrive at your progressive punk christianity outlook after being immersed in conservative christianity?

ooh!! good question. see I don’t really think what I was immersed in was particularly conservative—in circles I’ve been around we’ve always dissed Americans for being conservative (kinda mean I know) and my dad used to take me to climate change protests in the 2000s and I was always taught the 6 days of creation aren’t literal, the rapture isn’t real, women in stem etc. idk how it was anywhere else but the part of sydney I grew up in was just Like That, there was encouragement to give to the poor to actually end poverty and people actually did even though none of us really had heaps and I guess I wasn’t raised to be okay with entitlement but simply be kind to everyone? And I didn’t even know what conservative was until I was maybe 17 (I thought it was a style of fashion for ages and then I thought it meant conserving nature and history). It was always just Christians are meant to be genuinely kind and not have sex til you’re older and preferably married yknow?? and work hard, like the protestant work ethic was def a thing but somehow in a non ableist way as much as this is possible— I get real impatient with people bitching about stuff getting taken away from them, not realising how much they have when I probably have less and I’m usually giving away as much as I’m able and as much will put me in a state of perceived danger. It’s definitely a form of rebellion against them to see how little I can survive on which I’m working on. I also didn’t even know that so many Christians were transphobic like I thought it was only the extreme theobros. I also had a really lovely geography teacher in high school who was also a Christian and used her faith to drive environmental action, my biology teacher was a Christian and stood up for trans rights and I also had acccss to the internet to read up on clobber passages and hear peoples stories and it was always like ‘oh yeah some Christians believe different things based on how they read this stuff’ and I don’t think it was until I was old enough to actually vote and saw what propoganda was going around I really realised the power dynamic behind it, with the rise of the Australian Christian lobby which felt like it was straight out of the US. I fully thought voting was just liberals if you like fossil fuels, greens to save the environment, and labor if you’re a people pleaser and like fun little rhymes like ‘Kevin 07’ and attempting to be feminist but not really getting anything done. I actually met Martyn Iles once and was like ‘damn this guy is a fake Aussie this isn’t how we do Christianity’. I also got super burnt out by how hard and how biblically I tried to love my classmates on top of the Protestant work ethic about my schoolwork I never really cared about for myself, and was well versed in theology enough to be like HA! Grace means that we don’t have to do all that and can just do our sustainable best, still thinking my view was mainstream. I went to uni to study enviro sci at 17 and I thought my convictions to not drive unless Absolutely Necessary were driven by Christian ethics (which they were, how rigid I was with it was a pda response though). Then over the years realised very belatedly how people often didn’t validate my views and experiences and I’d expect they would (bc they were biblically rooted) and got quite hurt when they didn’t. Spent years in different volunteer ministries trying to put together the kind of community talked about in books like Philippians only to constantly be let down and feel isolated and that only driving me to work harder, despite knowing God’s grace meant I didn’t have to feeling like I couldn’t stop while my earthly needs for connection were unmet, saying yes to things I’d previously said no to because I got a sense of temporary community and belonging every time I joined a new serving team. Tried extra hard to make places inclusive and expected everyone else to be working as hard on it as I was and feel the desperation like I did and got super hurt when they didn’t, oh I guess I’ll have to do it all myself then.

I’ve always struggled with the concept of hell, tbh I heard about it way too young and never had a drop of self preservation instinct in my body only didn’t want to let God down by saying no. I’ve particularly always struggled with the whole urgency motivation like I’m trying, I’m doing the best I can, I listen to people and actually speaking the gospel into their lives in a way that hits home for them (bc I was thinking about how to do this in an empathetic and understanding and autonomy respecting way from a Very Young Age like I used to attempt to evangelise on moshi monsters to get an idea) and shit, I’m like 19 years old at this stage and I’m tired. If only I could just have one last hurrah to change places with someone so they can go to heaven instead of me? Id take it. and I basically worked myself to the point of being that suicidal and kept fucking going because God made me good at science so I can save the planet and end world hunger, and I had this conviction to contextualise (this is what we learned at afes btw) the gospel to really be real to queer folk and indigenous folk and other people of colour and marginalised people (it’s easy to see oppression with my background and my neurotype tbh) and maybe I could make myself suffer now bc God wasn’t gonna let me do that for eternity? anyway eventually left afes bc I was being so stretched and getting so isolated and the work I was doing there wasn’t achieving any of these things and I realised if I stayed I might end up dead and I wasn’t ready to go to heaven yet when my work wasn’t done. or at least so constantly dysregulated I wouldn’t be as able to be kind to others and show them the gospel.

around this time I’m also putting together a pretty comprehensive framework for how to actually solve global problems in a productive way, I’ve unpacked the pride in a lot of Christian mission projects and how they often were a feel good thing but not actually respectful or effective and I’d come up with literally hundreds of ideas for projects I could do to actually help, none of which I obviously had time for I think I was working up to 3 jobs while studying and serving in church and doing my hobbies that kept me kind of sane as well? which was discouraging to say the least, driving a kind of rageful resentment. Around that time I also discover PDA and my whole life makes sense, I start on my adhd meds which I had to jump through a million hoops to get and realise maybe I can finish uni.

a pda framework as I dive more into that and how to be actually neurodivergent affirming and actually recover from burnout long story short makes me realise how ableist much of our concept of sin and holiness really is and how much we need to destigmatise sin and stop using it as a way to intellectualise actual things happening in our brains and nervous systems and maybe we’d feel a lot less hopeless about it like it’s some big mystery if we actually did unpack the fear and threat responses and trauma behind it. Which we always say we will do but practically, church doenst give a space to do that bc you’re gonna be shamed. even for the people who are non affirming I’d be like, but isn’t it a logical step to someone who’s not yet been convicted to celibacy (if that’s something they think they should be) and realised this whole thing is unrealistic, not because the bible is wrong but because people think you can control your own brain by simply trying and trying again every time you fuck up as if that’s not gonna drive learned helplessness or actually traumatise you when you so desperately want to do better? Either that or drive you to be numb about it which I realised is what usually happens, there are certain sins people are blind to in every congregation and they’re actually intellectually unable to be convicted of that as sin because they’re stretched as far as they can go covering all other bases and being like ‘Christ covers that I didn’t Choose To Sin I’m trying not to even though it doesn’t really work’ like I’m a solutions person. if something isn’t working we’re gonna think of a new method and suddenly I understand how my brain works and those of so many others especially those who feel marginalised by the church!

and so long story short when I eventually had to quit what I was doing at church because someone cared enough to realise I hadn’t been doing well for years I was like I’m gonna follow this urge of the Spirit or simply my own head and desire for true connection I often found In exvangelical spaces and hear as many experiences as possible and use it to shape my worldview and get a bunch of hope from people who yes they’ve been marginalised but the gospel is real to them. that’s my only criteria I’m not gonna judge based on theology and I’m not ever gonna think my theological takes make anyone else wrong I’m just gonna be open to listen and shape them so there isn’t any cognitive dissonance and the grace found at the cross is real and practical and doenst have weird arbitrary limits, and I’m also gonna listen to those hurt by Christianity who some might judge as being hard hearted but I know how trauma works. and I’ve been doing that ever since, gradually getting there more and more and I think the best/funniest thing is even in more conservative spaces literally everyone I still talk to has been super encouraging of it and if we have any disagreements they’re pretty minor compared to the fact that we all believe the gospel is for everyone and we all wanna invest in social justice too (which makes me question how conservative those spaces ever were tbh). like there’s def parts of my story I won’t always tell but I feel like I come with a perspective people respect these days no matter where I am, and that’s nice in contrast to being that weird kid trying to do adult things being told either not to worry or that I don’t understand.

[quinloki]

I’mma muse about some stuff and it’s going to get a little lot dark so please tread carefully.

Topics will include assault, trauma, trauma processing, projection, and messy healing.

And oddly enough, it all started with realizing what defining moment it was that made Marco my #1 blorbo over Eustass Kid.

I love Eustass Kid - from canonical character to head canon king, I just love him. He is, as I’ve said, to me the quintessential dom - the quintessential Kinkster. Maybe it’s the aesthetic, or the misfits of the misfits vibe his entire crew has going on, or maybe I’m just projecting my own ideal onto a big beef cake.

Of all the mental/emotional deep dives I could go on, I’m not here to muse on that.

I realized Marco had overtaken Kid for me when I found myself craving dark fics with Marco. Not the kind where he’s being dark, the kind where Teach has his face in the dirt and his ass in the air and is threatening to slaughter all the survivors if Marco struggles against him.

And I realized that one of the biggest reasons for that - and I think most dark content - is the validation it provides. That the things I survived weren’t as avoidable as I used to believe, they were neither my fault nor within my control.

It’s a validation that even strong people can be victims and being one doesn’t make you weak or worth less.

It provides a way to navigate the healing after ward, and because we see the darkest parts of the trauma we can see the messiest parts of that healing too. The good days that weave between the neutral ones that are tied down by the awful ones.

The validation that healing is messy. For our heroes as much as for us, for the people we admire and disdain.

And fiction, fan fiction especially with the added layer of connection I feel that exists, let’s us apply those traumas not just from the hands of villains, but also heroes, such as they may exist in the original world. Good guys can do bad things - the person your community exalts Can be the villain who hurt you. The delinquent who broke your nose can also be the one who pulls you from a burning building.

We are complex.

It’s easier to process that complexity on the canvas of fictional characters sometimes than to face it directly. And I think that’s okay. I honestly think it’s wonderful - a beautiful, if not often misunderstood side effect of creativity.

And sometimes? Sometimes we break those beloved characters and end the story with them shattered. Because that could have been our end. That is the What If we hadn’t survived.

And I don’t think we’re always aware of this - I know a few people who don’t even realize how traumatized they are. They’re flippant, coping with humor, about things that make your blood run cold when you hear them. Sometimes denial fuels people, and they’re okay because they’re too strong to be a victim, too functional to be broken.

So we don’t realize why that drive is there. Why we want to see certain events presented in fiction. Why it feels like relief, or why we cry at parts we wouldn’t expect to prompt tears.

But kink, fic, bdsm, etc. as long as you aren’t exploiting or harming someone real, then I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with how dark your content gets.

(If you start actually wanting to harm someone though, please seek professional help. Your fantasy/coping lines are blurring with reality and you’re gonna need external assistance carving that line back into place.)

But, odd as it is, to me, bad things don’t happen to Kid (I mean the canon material beats him up enough as well). Kid’s the rock that weathers everything so his crew stays protected. So *I* stay protected. Even if he was broken he’d never admit to it, not in any way that would lead to processing it and healing from it.

But to me, he doesn’t break.

Marco can. But Marco can also heal from it, and I’m not talking about his Devil fruit. I’m talking about wounds you can’t just bandage or regenerate. He’s strong, so strong, but he’s been through the ringer, and you only need to apply a little more pressure… and then heal with him afterward.

That makes him, to me personally, more relatable. And thus back to the seemingly innocuous reason for this - that’s why he’s my #1.

[ohifonlyx33]

I'm really sorry if I sound negative, I just need to voice some of my thoughts on how Malina was written at the end before I can content myself with the rest of the season....

because even though I hear what people are saying about "choice" ...I just can't make it fully make sense...

Mal's ability to track is based on Morozova's magic bloodline. and his special link to Alina allows him to hear a buzz in the back of his head when he's holding her hand or searching for her. But what has that got to do with them falling in love???

By all means, question it (preferably before the "Vows We Could Keep" scene, please). But for goodness sake, come to the right conclusion.

'Cause I just don't buy this idea that they can't tell if what they have is real or not... and neither did they in the book. Certainly not Malyan "you were meant for more than I can give you so say goodnight and send me away before I kiss you senseless" Oretsev who drove himself mad loving Alina from a distance, loving her even against all hope of a future together. And certainly not Alina "none of it mattered if Mal was dead" Starkov who loved him more than any amount of power he could offer her.

In the book they knew that they forged their own bond based on YEARS of history together and several life-changing events too. Their relationship wasn't just some easy thing.... it took them being forcibly split up, coming near death several times, and having to imagine never seeing each other again for them to finally admit what they felt out loud... they had to use human communication, writing letters and pining for years, to work out what they meant to each other after being scared to say it... So yes, they earned their relationship.

But yes, they also accepted that fate brought them together and were glad of that. They didn't deny that they were always destined to meet, but it just followed naturally in their minds that if and when they met, of course, they would inevitably fall in love--because they love each other so much now that how could they not love each other then? And yet... they both acknowledge that they would be different people without each other and their love story would look different... but still they can't imagine a lifetime in which they meet and don't fall in love.

At the point when Mal looses his Tracking Ability, the loss is not enough for him to question if their friendship and love and sacrifice for one another was only destiny because he'd already confirmed that their love was not a product of their magical link. Just like Alina's magical link to The Darkling couldn't make her love him, it could only call or draw her to him, even when she actually hated him. In the same way, Mal and Alina could have grown up enemies or rivals always orbiting one another but never actually caring for one another. It was their understanding... They genuinely cared about each other. They formed a true friendship and fell in love.

The way we know it's not because of magic is because the love they share was never contingent solely on a warm fuzzy tingly feeling when they were near. Summoning sunlight and tracking amplifiers does not equate to falling in love.

If being the sun summoner and the firebird is what brought them together, what was it that kept Mal from just running away with her once they were together? What was it that made Mal admire her strength and leadership even if it meant she needed to marry a prince and keep him at a distance? He saw her needs, her duty, her destiny and took himself out of the picture thinking it would be best for her. That's not an act of ~magic drawing them together... that's selfless, sacrificial love.... which is kinda their WHOLE THING and the whole reason they are endgame. Because sacrificial love is stronger than cruel greed and power any day. That's what Malina is about. Choosing love over power.

So even though I understand Mal having some kind of identity crisis about what his purpose is without his tracking ability, and even though I like the idea of "I choose you" at least as much as "you are my destiny" ...I don't like when the show has him suggest that their shared destiny in finding each other somehow also negates their free will in the matter of falling in love. They already chose one another... They already fought for each other over and over again. And not because of ~magic.

And that small but somehow massive shift in the narrative is the one thing I really struggle to get behind... because it's like the writers are conceding that there was a problem with the way the book was written when there never was.

[beevean]

Hey it’s so called this morning’s anon back with more things to say I suppose…

I supposed I wanted to elaborate on some things, I know you said you didn’t wanna start discourse but I really wanted to elaborate on what I meant by that proshipping comment. The term proship, from what I heard, has gone from let people ship what they want and if you don’t like don’t look to… This person is a disgustingly vile subhuman and their death should be celebrated.

Funnily enough I openly ship problematic stuff, but I constantly over complicate things to prove that I’m still better than ‘those guys’, to say that I have morality and ‘they’ don’t… But it’s so fucking exhausted. My life wasn’t good and moral and pure so why does my art have to be?

I’m sick of fearing I’ll have someone genuinely threaten my life because I cope differently than them. Ironically I used to get mad when people say it was their coping mechanism, calling it a shitty excuse to be a whatever [You can insert all kinds of fun and degrading terms there] and yet… I was doing the same thing.

So yeah… I don’t like everything but I’m realizing that everything has its place and if that makes me a proshipper then fuck it I guess I’m a proshipper

[After reading all those kind messages I wanted some way to reveal myself because surprise you actually know who I am! But I wasn’t sure how to do that without outing myself so openly… I read your Hevor fic and told you about it on Discord, it’s the only thing we ever discussed. So yeah if you manage to figure me out based on that alone then congratulations! Purity culture is ruining my life so bad I can’t even say my own name! ;3]

fdjskfksdngksjdhk talk about efficient secret codes lmao. Yes I understand now 😄

That's pretty much what happened. "Proship" started as a countermovement to the "anti" culture budding around 2016 who were all like "Sheith is actually incest because they're like brothers and that's gross guys!!!!", and at first it meant simply "ship and let ship", but then it got twisted into meaning "someone who enjoys problematic ships/ships with incest, pedophilia and/or abuse", which inevitably leads to "this person has Something Wrong with them and they're a Bad Person who Hurts people like me with their Degenerate Art! Pedo alert pedo alert! PUNISHMENT FOR A THOUSAND YEARS".

The problem is that "enjoys" means a lot of things :^) there is a difference between "aww they're so cute <3", "welp this is a kink now", and "wow this would be incredibly fucked up but I am intrigued to explore this story". But nuance is not allowed, apparently.

(fun fact: I don't really go through proship blogs because I swear they all ship sibling incest. I hate sibling ships lmao, especially when they're wholesome. But of course they're all in the "will accept anything" community, after being pretty much shunned and painted as horrible abusers who deserve to be hurt and worse - and just because I don't want to see those ships, that doesn't mean I think they're bad people who condone real-life abuse. So yeah, proship is not about having all the grossest ships in the world, you can be exclusively into the most vanilla M/F ships ever and still think "yo do what you want I'll respect you from a distance")

I also hear similar stories like yours, of people who twist themselves into pretending to be antis and be morally "purer" than others when in private they were doing the same things they were insulting others for, just with tons of shame and denial. Not judging you and I'm happy when people realize that this behavior is harmful, definitely more than being into the Problematic lol... I'm just disappointed and frustrated that the internet culture has come to this. I reiterate my points about surrounding yourself with friends who don't make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

Also real talk: you don't really have to psychoanalyze yourself. Maybe your tastes are tied to an easily identifiable reason, or maybe they aren't or the reason goes too deep to explore without outside help. In any case, it doesn't matter. You don't have to justify yourself in any way, let alone showing to everyone the "I'm Coping With Trauma" badge in the hopes they will forgive you - because it doesn't work. It's never about the mental health of victims, it's about "i feel icky and i don't want to :("

Disgust is not harm. You (general) have every right to be disgusted by something - I myself am not above it :P But it's not a personal attack against you, and it's your responsibility to walk away and coping with your feelings in private.

[lumi-klovstad-games]

On Shadowheart's faith and how it mirrors my own (some heavy topical talk of religion and faith, FYI)

I've seen Shadowheart get dragged for her faith and her cagey-ness and unwillingness to talk about herself and especially her religion, and on the one hand, YES, she does worship a deity who wants to dissolve creation back into primordial darkness out of a petty and childish grudge. Like, that isn't nothing.

But when I hear Shadowheart talk about what her faith means to her, what this goddess who everyone else calls evil (and from our outside perspective, rightly so) means to her... to be honest, I hear my own spiritual journey in her words.

I was raised a Christian and now primarily worship Lilith, one of many names Christianity considers a straight up demon. But... because my family and community doesn't share that faith, I have to live in their world. So I've gotten practiced at keeping quiet about this fundamental part of myself, at playing the game with my cards close to the chest. When the topic of my faith comes up, I do my best to deflect the conversation or give a diplomatically worded non-answer, and yeah, I do get flustered and irritated when pressed if I didn't choose to reveal these details on my own. After all, one's faith is a DEEPLY personal thing, a core function of who they are that in many ways defines them.

While I have the wonder and the pleasure to know plenty of folks for whom my faith means exactly nothing, or is at most an unorthodox point of curiosity and vague interest, that's not how things started. The first few years after I found my own faith were.... rough. I wasn't sure who I could trust with that part of me, who I could trust to not ridicule me or accuse me of doing it for attention. I can only imagine what it would be like for Shadowheart to live life as part of a cult that is actively suppressed and hunted, where, in fact, "they" ARE in fact out to get her.

My divorce from my parent's god came when I was disillusioned as a teenager. The incredibly likable and charismatic pastor who had overseen my Confirmation had moved on to a new church, and I realized that when I prayed, there really wasn't... anything there. Nobody on the other end, or at least nobody interested enough to listen. I don't think Pastor Dan was a bad guy or a charlatan or anything. I think he really had meant to help. But in his effort to make his faith accessible/relevant, etc., he'd oversold it, and without his likability to reinforce things, I found myself in a reality that was significantly darker and less caring than I was led to expect, and I was left feeling that kind of alone you can only feel in a room full of people who don't even acknowledge you. I can't speak to whether the Christian God is real or not, only that it never once spoke to me in all my years of praying to it.

And while Shadowheart isn't remembering fully or accurately, and she has been manipulated by the Cult of Shar far more than she's initially ready to accept, that doesn't mean how she feels is incorrect. We are the sum of what we can remember, after all. Our feelings and opinions in large part are determined by what we have experienced and can recall. When she talks about what Shar specifically means to her, and how through Shar she found meaning in her moments of greatest darkness and pain, I get that. Like, that's literally where my faith was found: when I was at my lowest point, in a period of incredible darkness, self-harm and nearly worse. And in that moment of darkness, I had an experience: "I am not the one you prayed to, but I will help you, if you let me."

To say that was a transformative moment isn't doing it justice. It's the kind of moment that changes a life.

And that's what happened to Shadowheart, at least by her recollection, her truth. The objective truth in-game is of course more complicated and tells a much more dramatic story, but to be honest, Larian could have left it there and had Shadowheart's account be 100% correct and true and found some other way to use her faith to challenge her and it would have worked just as well, because Shadowheart's tale is a realistic one at its core: a lonely, suffering, desperate child finds a VERY unlikely savior. To boot, said savior is an incredibly dark being that others purely have cause to fear and mistrust, one not known for compassionate action. Of course Shadowheart plays it close to the chest. Of COURSE she assumes others won't trust her if they know more about her. All she's ever known of sharing her faith with outsiders has been fear, mistrust, and even persecution. Their experience with her goddess is so, SO incredibly different from hers, they literally cannot understand why she would find meaning in or be loyal to such a deity. I know what that's like because I've lived that, if to a far less extreme degree.

And it was SO NICE to have a character who made my lived experience feel seen — even if the writers DID pull the rug out from under me later, the fuckers.

[chthonic-cassandra]

I’ve been considering writing fanfiction again after 5 years, but I’m quite nervous. Reading your Compromise series inspired me to get back into writing, but I’m worried about how the fans will react to the subject matter of abuse and complicated feelings in the gray zone between romantic and familial. How do you deal with the anxiety of people misinterpreting your writing?

First, I wanted to say how moved I am that reading something I wrote inspired you to return to writing! That touches me very deeply and I so appreciate you sharing it with me.

This is a good question, and I don't have an easy answer to it, but I do have some thoughts. I do want to distinguish between misinterpretation which is just readers having a different experience of a story than the one we've intended, and actual hurtful and judgmental responses - I think you're most talking about the latter, but I'm not sure.

As far as hurtful responses, I've honestly been pretty lucky with that, at least in comparison with a lot of other people I know here/in fandom. Part of it is that I do deliberately keep a pretty low profile in a number of ways - I write quietly in my tiny fandoms - and I take steps to insulate myself from judgmental responses, like not allowing anonymous asks. I've made a decision in the past several years to just straight up not engage in internet debate, and this has served me well. These choices aren't right for everyone, but the risk/reward calculation of them is very definitely right for me. (I was a little worried that the increased popularity of Dracula in the past year would make all of this harder, but insofar as drama has happened there I think I've stayed largely oblivious to it or at least out of the way.)

But that doesn't mean those kinds of responses never happen, or that I never have anxiety about them, with the kinds of things I write. What's helped is honestly getting to a place with myself where I can hold a lot of confidence in my own understanding of trauma and abuse, both generally and in my own life, that cannot fundamentally be shaken by others' responses. So someone commenting on one of my stories that I'm writing Mina as "weak" and "allowing herself to be defined by her assault" (real example, albeit from a while ago) can make me angry, but it doesn't make me spiral or question how I understand myself. (I can't say how I would hold up to really persistently cruel harassment like I know others have had to deal with, and I count myself as lucky that I haven't encountered that so far in my fandom experience.)

I know what I believe, and I know how I choose to ethically engage in the world, and people can think that my fic is weird or gross if they want and that doesn't change what I know to be true. It feels really good in a lot of ways to put my stories out in the world and to hear that people are impacted by them, and a big part of that does have to do with finding ways of communicating aspects of my own experience, but I also can't expect readers of my fic to give me that validation; I have to get it elsewhere.

As far as general misinterpretation without hurtful responses...I don't know, I think I just have to be okay with it, and at this point I don't consider there to be a correct interpretation of my fics really at all. I do (often) write about kinds of violence that come close to things I've experienced, but it's also really okay with me if people read those stories and their primary take away is finding them sexy. There are also ways in which I find those elements of my own experience sexy! (And horrific and terrifying and devastating and and and...) That's part of what I'm doing by writing about them, letting myself feel out all these edges and angles and sites of messiness. That's one of the reason to write hundreds of thousands of words of fic largely about sexual violence rather than writing a memoir.

With Compromise in particular, which you mentioned here (I'm glad you're enjoying it!), part of what has been so interesting for me about trying this slow, serialized format for a story about tangled webs of violence and attachment is seeing the range of different ways people react to it, the people who are angry at Jonathan and the people whose hearts are breaking for him, the people who are hoping for Jonathan and Mina to come back together and fight back and the people who have become most invested in the brides and their arc. I'm sure that there are people who find the whole premise distasteful and I hope they simply don't read it rather than telling me so, but alongside that there's this particular energy and interest in the expansive range of possible interpretation, and if you do choose to write and post fic again I hope that's something that you can enjoy.

This is a long-winded answer that maybe didn't get at your question! But your question made me think a lot - thank you for that.

[dhajetii]

Tlou episode 5!!

I don’t remember Sam and Henry’s arc, like at all. I remember them being brothers and being nice and I liked them….. I don’t remember what happened…. But I have a very ominous feeling about this next episode…. So here go!

Yeah these people over throwing fedra in this QZ seem worse than FEDRA (or just as bad I guess we don’t know what this faction of FEDRA was like) Not that fedra seems great, just saying they weren’t dragging mutilated corpses down the street.

I like that they’re actually making this group real people. However they aren’t getting any sort of sympathy from me at all whatsoever. The people snitching to fedra were trying to survive, or protect loved ones and that’s a sentiment I can emphasize with. I’ve no idea what I would or wouldn’t do in that kind of situation and hopefully I don’t have to face down an apocalypse of this scale to find out. But I know I won’t let myself get so blinded by revenge and rage that my priorities will be askew.

“That’s just the way he sounds. He has an asshole voice” lmao

Joel hears the kids laugh and he folds so damn fast.

Of course Joel is gonna help you kids. He just really doesn’t like this specific plan, but he doesn’t have anything better to try.

Insert: YOURE NOT MY DAD vine here.

Aayyyyy it’s these tunnels, the one with the remnants of the community. I liked exploring that area.

Joel “I’ve had my fill of emotional and moral conversation it’s time to GO!”

Joel acquired a new weapon!

HAH BITCH! That huge problem you ignored becuase you couldn’t forgive and move on? Literally biting you rn :)

THERES THE BIG BOY!!

Ohhh Clicker child.

Something poetic about the feral Clicker child killing Ms “children die all the time!!”

:(

ELLIE NO THATS…. That’s not gonna help but at this point it can’t hurt anything other than your emotional state when it doesn’t work.

:(

!!!

:(

If the game ended the same way for Henry and Sam then I blocked this out of my memory. That’s why I couldn’t remember it. Even after seeing it it’s not ringing any bells of this ending for them in the game. I really suppressed that bit of the story I guess.

Making me wait 9 days instead of 7 for the next episode… that’s probably okay. Gives me time to recuperate.

THE BEHIND THE SCENES IS BEAUTIFUL THO OMG. So many people learning ASL just to communicate with this one kid, and the writers actually trying to do it right and I think they did it well.

[youngharridan]

Let me preface this by saying I adore Annie Autumn. Its one of those great one-sided/parasocial kind of relationships of my online life. I’ve been following her for awhile now after seeing her tagged in another friend of a friend’s posts. I bought a baby blanket from her for a friend of mine when she was doing a fundraiser, and I have one of her hook rugs on my wall as well. It’s devastating watching her go through cancer treatment and now settling into end of life care - but I also really value what she is willing to share with everyone. Radical queer community grieving at its finest. That is all to say – this is a funny kind of review. Not that I ever strive for objectivity or anything like that. But this little zine really hit a spot in me and its really interesting to give a bit of a longer reflection.

I bought this on a total whim – Annie made merch for her living wake and asked Instagram if people would buy it. Which hell yeah of course we wanted it! Let everyone wear this beautiful stuff while giving you some money for your family. And she included this zine with the totes and shirts. I knew she had built her home with her family and community and jumped at the prospect of hearing more of the story. It’s a short zine – maybe less than 10 pages, colour printed on cardboard. It’s structured around two weather events that woke Annie up in the middle of the night and threatened her home. In-between these stories of fire and flood is a bit about the actual building of the house. The thing that initially struck me is that this is a climate crisis story, displaying the real cost of our collective failure to address climate change meaningfully and sharing the material effects of this crisis. This is a story that is both political and personal in all the best ways.

Annie talks about how building her own house was a dream of her’s from when she was a teenager. I feel like it is such a strong trope in the queer community that we all dream of running away from society to start a commune where we can live freely and build things together. I have personally harboured this dream, but during the covid-19 pandemic lockdowns I was confronted with just how interconnected we all are and thought that this kind of running away fantasy was really cruel. I don’t want to turn away from the world, I want to find a way to live in it while also being in community. This also led to me to looking at houses instead of property when it came to buying a house. I did kind of abandon the city in the end and run away a bit, but just up the hill to the mountains where we could afford to buy a house just outside of the insane Sydney property bubble.

There is something that I struggle with that comes in later in the zine that I want to dig into a bit, towards the end. Annie reflects on how the house is far from perfect but that:

“I love that she’s still a bit of a work in progress, that I’ve shown my kids that you can build a life using your hands, and that life can resist dominant paradigms that dictate that you ‘cant’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’ make things for yourself. That tells you not to try in case the things you make are ‘bad’. That its better to work in a soulless job so that you can pay others to use their hands to make things for you – your clothes, your home, your garden”.

This kind of sentiment is something that greatly irritates me while also being something that I agree with to a certain extent. I live in a house that someone else built – and we paid someone to renovate the kitchen in the first year we lived here, and I don’t regret either of these decisions. I also really want to learn how to paint the walls myself and take on other repairs eventually as well because learning skills rules. The garden is going to be a lifelong project for me. At the moment it’s a fussy cottage garden that the retirees that lived here before us obviously poured so much love and care into, but is full of plants I want to slowly replace with natives and productive fruits and vegetables. I don’t think it’s fair to blanket say that all work is soulless, and that paying professionals to do things for you is wrong. But I do think we could all stand to learn the true cost of things like food and clothes on the planet, people, and animals. So call me a fake radical but I am happy to give some jobs over to the tradies in my house.

I kind of can’t believe how long this went – hoping to review more zines this year but don’t expect >500 words very often.