#no legit i havent been this angry in months

[creacherkeeper]

Spice for the autumnal asks, because I miss hearing about your haunted/cursed house experiences!

ohohoho thank you juliette <333

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

(general spooky cw's apply here but i'll put more specific ones if needed)

so i lived in two haunted houses growing up. and when i say haunted houses i mean legit 100% definitely haunted to the degree of i would absolutely not believe in ghosts otherwise but i would be so stupid and willfully obtuse to not believe in ghosts after living in these houses. like other people have been ghost deniers and then i tell them all the stories of my extremely haunted family and they're like "i both believe in and am afraid of ghosts now"

so some background

my moms side of the family is Very haunted. lots of people in their family have had Experiences but the ones ive heard the most about have been from my mom and her siblings. my uncle very frequently saw a native american woman with long black hair walking around their house, most often sitting in his room and brushing her hair. the entire sibling squad and their cousins saw a person walking down the street and stop and fly over a ditch and then land and walk up to a house. my mom has had photographs talk to her. theyve all had prophetic dreams and frequently have family-oriented esp (like calling a family member they havent spoken to in four months at the exact moment that family member is calling them, or knowing when bad things have happened to family members. or even knowing i had a dream about a specific family member even though i hadnt told anyone)

the house that we lived in when i was a baby was so haunted that we had to move because no one would babysit me

the most common thing that happened was people hearing things that werent there. for example, my mom would be home with me, the garage door would open, the keys would jangle, the house door would open and shut, she would hear my dad whistling and then setting his keys down on the counter. then she would walk in and no one would be there because my dad was actually still at work. or if someone was babysitting me, they could hear my parents come home and talking as they walked in, but they weren't actually there, and when they would call my parents they would still be 30 minutes away. this exclusively happened when someone was alone with me so no one ever wanted to be alone with me anymore

also while living at this house, when i was about 1 1/2 or not quite 2, i told my mother i remembered when i used to be her mother. when she questioned me what i meant i got too angry and wouldnt respond to her anymore even though i was a very docile toddler usually

(pregnancy/miscarriage cw) at another house, my mom had her first of two very late term miscarriages. she woke up in the middle of the night but didn't know what had woken her up. she was lying on her back. then suddenly a cloudy black shape bubbled up out of her stomach, paused for a moment hovering over her, and then shot up through the ceiling. she had a miscarriage the next day

the house that i lived in from ages 8 to 18 was also extremely haunted. lots and lots of stuff happened at that house

very frequently there would be the unmistakable sound of feet running up the stairs. it was a brand new house and the stairs didn't make noise otherwise. just feet running up them every once in a while. the dogs would always go crazy barking and run to the stairs looking for who was there but no one ever was. this happened a lot when i was home alone

this also only happened on my bedroom door but i had one of the long handles not the round one, and very often the handle would push down, pause for a moment, the door would push open and stop halfway, pause, and then close again. i thought maybe it was just me but my parents were in my bedroom one time when it happened and were like jesus christ you were telling the truth

this only happened with me and my mom but we heard piano music in the house all the time

one time my mom was home alone and walked into the foyer and there was a girl sitting on the stairs. my mom freaked a little but thought she was from the neighborhood and came in through the backdoor (we didnt keep it locked) and said "hello?" and the girl looked at her and then vanished

also not totally sure this one counts bc sleeping, but once a woman in a tattered white wedding dress with long black hair woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to get out of my bed and go sleep in a different one. i didnt question it at the time but i woke up later like. wait wtf. found out the next day that this woman is a very common ghost to see

i think the one i've been personally present for that had the most participants was when me, my mom, and 5 of the baby cousins were playing in the backyard. they were all between ages 7 and 12, i was 16 or 17. i had to pee so i told them i was going inside and would be right back, and when i came back out they were all laughing. i asked what they were laughing about and my mom kind of rolled her eyes and was like they thought it was really funny you were waving to them from your bedroom window. i was like oh haha yeah just trying to be silly :) and then pulled my mom aside and was like i literally was not in my bedroom. she got very serious and was like dont lie to me we literally ALL saw you very clearly waving to us from the window. i was like i went in and peed and came right back and i never even went upstairs. we're the only ones home there's no one upstairs. she got very mad and told me to stop trying to scare her. when i was still speaking to her a few years ago she still didnt believe i hadnt gone upstairs and still believed i was lying because they "all saw me so clearly"

i do wonder if "ghosts" are just places where the multiverse overlaps with itself a little bit? all my supernatural encounters are just totally normal things that shouldn't be happening when they're happening. people who WOULD be there but arent right now. doors opening in the exact way i walk through them but im just not walking through them right then. people seeing me waving through a window when that IS something i would do, i just didnt do it

i've never had a "malicious" ghost encounter save for one incident that i never got an answer about. it was pretty simple. i woke up with the shape of a hand bruised around my knee. like someone had grabbed my leg while i was sleeping. my parents were the only ones home and neither of them had done it. their hands didnt even line up with the bruise. and no matter how much i contorted i couldnt twist my hand to fit onto it. but it was unmistakably four fingers and a thumb grabbing my knee. i dont remember if i had any dreams that night, but i never "heard from" that ghost again

so thats. why i believe in ghosts. lol. it would be dumb of me not too. i dont inherently think ghosts are dead people, like i said above. i think its just some spacetime fabric getting all ruffled up. but theres a lot about the universe we dont understand. why not some thats a little spooky?

now does that explain why my moms family is also definitely werewolves and just refused to tell me? maybe a little. but thats a whole other story

[cillyscribbles]

apgailėtinas savo nuomones virš faktų reiškiantiesiems dėmesio neskirsiu ir tuo labiau nesitąsysiu su tautos išdavikais. bijau, kad vien pažvelgusi išsitepsiu tuo pačiu krauju, kuris varva nuo jų rankų.

[thunderxthighs]

.

[violetnotez]

Haaaaiiii! I don't know if you've done this before, but can you do a headcanon with Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, and Kaminari (separately) dating a slim thicc reader who's waaaaay to kind to everyone for her own good? Sorry if that was specific lol. It just suits my life.

HC: Slim Thicc + Overly Nice Reader | BNHA

Music Genre: Pop | BNHA

Characters: Midoriya, Bakugo, Todoroki

Warnings: cursing, suggestive content

Music Collection | Tip Jar | Requests!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

Shop Owner Note: The fuq how did you describe me in four words lmaoooo-I really liked this idea alot!!!!! Also I only did Bakugo, Izuku and Shoto caus emy brain got fried, so hope thats okay!

Midoriya

THIS GIF ISNT APART OF THE HC AT ALL I JUST FOUND IT AND NOW IM FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAYYYY😳😳

Midoriya most definitely drink his respect women juice

He was raised by his mother after all

BUT

doesnt mean the boy cant be a little perverted-

He just loves your body!!!!!

How can he NOT love everything about it, from the way your school tights slightly squeeze your thighs to the point where he feel like he cant breath

Or when you wear his shirts and its tighter around the chest and flowy around you waist

Mmmmmm lets not forget your hero suit- this man would probably kiss the shoes of the person who made your suit

Cause DAMN they really made it as tight as possible and he just loves it sm

Lets be real this dude has probably popped a boner by accident just thinking about your hero suit 😶

ANYWAYS 💀💀💀💀

He is very much respectful about you and keeps his raging hormones horniness to himself

He is ALWAYS making sure you feel comfortable in your relationship, whether its from holding hands to cuddling, he will always make sure you give your consent

Now, when it comes to your kindness, this is something Midoriya probably loves the most about you

But he does find it really concerning when he notices you say “yes” to everything somebody asks you to do for them

And running yourself down, not looking as energetic as yourself

He is very observant, so he notices little things that signal you are little overwhelmed 

Like your clothes arent as perfectly ironed as they used to be, you seem to be forgetting your own things while remembering to bring everybody else’s, your smile seems strained, and you just look stressed

He is so incredibly empathetic- it pains him to his s/o look so distraught 

It does anger him a bit that these people can so easily take advantage of you, and not even care that you arent feeling your best because of what they asked of you

But he swallows down the anger, offering to help you with whatever you need at your dorm room

He tries to make it as stress free as he possibly can, bringing your favorite snacks and playlist of music to calm your mind

But at some point hed give you a very gentle talk,,,,

He knows you havent been feeling too great, whether you deny it or not, and he wants you to know that its perfectly okay to not say “yes” to every person

He knows you mean well and you want to help everyone out of the generosity of your heart, and he loves that about you

But you as a person are important, and you come first over anyone

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

Bakugo

Like Midoriya, just LOVES your body

Like cmon, how can he NOT

Dude is a ass+boob man change ma mind 

At first he deifnitely denies it-

Him??? Stare at your ass??? Pshh he was looking at the oven baka, if anything your ass was blocking his view-

You would know you caught him red handed cause he face would get redder than Momo’s hero suit and he would actually stutter—-

Which would make him extrmeely annoyed and he’d be cussing a storm+be in a grumpy mood for an hour or two

But once you two get more comfortable in your relationship-

NO HOLDING BACK

He will have use every opportunity to just be meannnn

And by mean

I mean turn slapping your ass into some sick game

Like if you dont yelp and cuss him out whats the point?

Once he slapped you so hard he legit left his big ass hand print on your butt cheek and you were about to slap his smug ass back....

But off a 50ft building  🙃

Also a big softie too

Like when you to cuddle he loves cuddling into your chest 🥺🥺

To him it’s just so comfyyyyyyyyyy

Honestly, Bakugo can’t understand at all how you can be so nice to people

It confuses him???? But he finds it really....nice???

Like half the stuff you do for people Bakugo wouldn’t ever dream of doing

He knows he’d either give that person an intimidating, dirty look or just laugh at them, cause yeah right he’d waste his time with their stupid problems

Ouchhhhhhhh

But you are totally different than him-you had a lot more patience and sympathy than he had, always coming to everyone’s rescue it seemed like

He finds it attractive and to him, it confuses the hell out of him how he does

But what bothers him is how much time you spend away from him

He won’t ever admit it, but he feels lonely when you’re not around

And what’s even worse-is by the time you do hang out with him, your too tired to even properly pay attention to him after running around and doing everything for everyone else

Bakugo the Attention Whore

One day this dude would have enough, as he’s been getting the bad end of the stick for a good couple of weeks——

He just barges into were ever your at, and doesn’t give to shits what so everrrrr

Bakugo has one mission in mind: getting his s/o back

Wouldn’t acknowledge anyone but you, grabbing your wrist and yanking you out of the room even if your protesting with him

“The hell are you doing Bakugo, let go-“

“No 😠”

“Pleaseeeeeee I was in the middle of working on something-“

“I said NO 😠😠😠”

Angry Pomeranian Activated

Once stop dragging you until he locks you in his room, forcing you to hear him out

He HATES being emotional or open, but at that, he starts spilling his guts through gritted teeth and choppy sentences,,

Saying that you waste too much time in thise “extras”, that they don’t deserve as much time as you give them, and that you have more “important” things than do all their work for them

*cough cough him being the more important thing

But hoenstly, you feel a little bad for him,,,,,

So you compromise with him and promise you’ll spend more time on him

He’s pretty happy with that,

but now he takes it one step further to make sure you deifnitely have enough time to hang out with him

If he’s around when someone asks you for help, he’ll cut them off and lie straight theough his teeth, saying you two have a “date” and squeezing you close to him with an iron grip

“Wait-Bakugo-we didnt have a date planned-“

“Tsch, now we do-“

Shoto Todoroki

I have said this timeeee and timeeee againnnn

But Shoto really is the definition of innocence

So really, it wouldn’t ever dawn on him on how killer his s/o’s body is

He’s just kinda like....yeah I know they have a butt and chest? Doesn’t everyone?😶

This poor Boi someone help him

It only really sets it after a few months of being together that he’s actually really, really in love with your body

Like how did he never notice how good you look in leggings?

Or how soft and comfortable your chest is?

And why does he want you to squeeze him with your thighs? 😳

Hormones are ragingggggg

And also veryyyyyyyy protective over you

Shoto is very observant and quiet in social situations, usually opting to check out his surroundings instead of trying to be sociable

So he’ll catch from time to time classmates commenting on you and your figure, and it never sits very well with him

At first when these incidences happened he was very conflicted, not understanding this intense jealousy and need to protect you

But after a while of contemplating his feelings, he understood it was because he was protective of you

And ohohoohohoh

This man is PROTECTIVE

He does little things you would never reallly notice until you actually do

Like when he takes you home after hanging out or a date, he lingers a little longer outside your door to make sure you’re inside safely

Or when you’re walking together he will make sure your walking inside the street and away from the cars

Also has a tendency to grab your waist or your hand when a group of men come your way

He just gets paranoid okay 🥺🥺🥺

And because he’s so protective, he doesn’t practically like that you’re being taken advantage of sometimes because of your kindness

Especially when it comes to other men

On a few occasions Shoto has spotted you in a sticky situation with a guy who was being a little too close for comfort

It would make you uncomfortable of course, you had a boyfriend you already loved a lot-

but you felt kind of bad just being a total bitch to this guy who desperately wanted a chance

So you’d just awkwardly laugh and smile with their stupid pick up lines, trying your best to be polite but also show you weren’t interested

But Shoto at this point has radar for when your in trouble, and just pops out of nowhere 💀

He’s not the type to flaunt his relationship by impulsively kissing you or anything like that, but he’ll show it in subtle ways

Like calling you “dear” or wrapping his arm around your waist

Honestly, the look of pure relief and comfort in your face shows more than Shoto could have ever done,,,

And that Shoto was deifnitely someone that was more than just a “guy fiend” and soemthing like that

Also Shoto would give them a look that could kill and that instantly scares the shit out anyone lmao

These dudes faces would deflate like balloons real quick, cause at this point everyone knows who Shoto Todoroki is

And how the hell can they compete with that

Instant “oh shit my bad” type energy

After those incidents, Shoto locks down way harder

He practically has you glued to his side, and he doesn’t let go

Like at all

Get used to it cause for the rest of the day Shoto is gonna be following you around like some body guard 💀

© Violetnote 2020

None of these characters or shows are my own, only the storylines and narratives I create are mine. Copying, stealing, plagiarizing, rewording, or using my storylines in other media, claiming to be your own, or reposting without my consent is not allowed.

[ayyponine]

absolute chaos of sleepin like shit, having a scheduled call w sister's ex in a few hours to discuss mb testifying in trial while my mom is like "mb it's better if you dont. she said if u talk to him again abt anything there'll be war. if she loses custody over her kid (which she may or may not have directly abused as well btw) then 1. she'll REALLY be out fr blood and 2. have nothing tying her down abroad so that makes it more likely she'll want to move back here so i know youve already been dragged into this anyway but mb we should stay out of it" while im also trying to get hold of CAW aka wellbeing services to mb ask fr legal advice in abuse situations and what i can do to protect us, thinking maybe i should phone my dad since he's in contact w my sister and paying fr her lawyer so he surely has a better view on wth is going on except yknow, havent spoken w my dad in months since he got so angry w me "constantly playing a victim role and not wanting to get better" so he screamed at me and acted so brute i legit thought he was gonna crash the fucking car we were in. with the ex being like "hey i need an answer frm u asap on this" i. im sorry my answer could mean life or death possibly for me and my mom and idk which is which can u let me fucking THINK

[softforcal]

Writing Tips

I get a lot of asks about tips on writing so i figured i’d just make a huge ass post for ya’ll :)

this shit covers: character, plot, motivation, past vs present tense, 3rd vs 1st verson, oneshots vs multi chapter fics, moodboards for character building, dialogue, oc’s vs reader inserts, face claims, the grocery store test, the meme test

Character

okay i want to start by saying: i used to write imagines so writing in character was like MY THING for like 6 years so i have a LOT OF PRACTICE with watching something and picking up on characters and i’ve spent THOUSANDS of hours watching shows. so like, i’ve spent a lot of time on this you know? so don’t feel bad if you have a life and havent had as much practice :)

so at the moment, i’ve been doing character mood boards to help figure out a character? but the thing about that is im picky about face claims and it can be hard so this is an easily skippable option and i’m not even sure if i enjoy it yet you know?

so first: i think of a story. i think of the type of OC that’s involved, i think about what they’re like, (i sometimes find a face claim), i give them a name

for me, as soon as they have a name and sort of a face in my brain, they take on a life of their own. a character knows when you’ve found the right name and face for it and it comes alive when you do. like for me, Birdie was originally ‘Cherry’ but she was like ‘bitch no’ and wouldn’t let me write her until i found her name.

to be honest. i don’t plan things. like. when i write, the character just takes over. i have no control. they do what they want. fucking Valentina and Harry in Trouvaille, i had a whole angst scene for them and these assholes decided to go on the terrace and tell each other they like each other instead and then the story just ended. like. i had a pLAN and they RUINED IT.

you can’t be afraid if letting your characters do what they want to do. when you plot, a loose outline is good but i just throw my characters into a situation and see where they go.

like for my final gang au chapter, did i want Michael to leave town? no. but he needed to take Dove and get the fuck out of there you know?

i don’t make playlists really, sometimes certain songs stick to people, like one of my characters, his song right now is Girlfriend by Anderson East and that song was sort of inspiration.

I don’t know where my inspiration comes from. obviously i write a FUCK ton so let me see if i can explain a few past stories and where they came from.

Gang AU was born from a post by @hereforlukescruff​ about the song ‘Or Nah.’

Cromulent was based off a tumblr post about enemies fake dating

Wild one was legit just me figuring out how to work all of @glitterprincelu​s fav things into one fic

Floral was based off of looking at my favourite tattoo artists floral tattoos

Trouvaille was originally pompous New York! Calum but as i developed it, it was Harry and i couldn’t stop him from pushing Cal out of the way and being like ‘this is my apartment you wanker get the fuck out of here and let me smoke and paint in peace.’

Noise was originally based off an idea by @palliddark​ that i was blessed enough to receive, she also had influence in Cromulent because months ago she requested a post about the boys recording having sex for a song.

So i think what we’re realizing here is a lot of it comes through interacting with other creators. one of my new pieces is based off of 2 5sos songs and one is based off of a person in Love Island. so inspo can hit from anywhere

the fic im working on now came from me talking to @harryforvogue​ about the new Gucci ads Harry did.

i started a Greaser Cal that i dropped cuz im a whore, but it was inspired by @calsangel​ and hopefully it gets completed sometime soon

like. talking to other creative people is just a breeding pool for ideas. people you trust and love, people who you can bounce off of. listen for stories in music, study people and characters and who knows where it might lead you :)

i hope this helps. but yeah. my number one piece of advice: talk about writing, talk about stories, talk about the guys you want to write about and inspo WILL hit.

also to all the people i have tagged i hope you know how much you guys mean to me. like. i really appreciate all you guys do and how much support you’ve given me and continue to give me. i hope i can offer the same support in return and i love you all with my whole heart.

****** Moodboard and Character (final thoughts)

So basically since i wrote that OG advice, i’ve begun to realize: moodboards are a good tool because if you can easily come up with 9 pics for a character they’re pretty well thought out. 

for example, my easiest moodboard to make was for Birdie in my gang au

Birdie: likes scrunchies, reading, classic stories, ice cream, bubblegum, lollipops, acrylic nails, having her hair in a bun

my worst moodboard was for a character named Annabelle from Noise

i started and was like... who is Annabelle: she’s blonde... she uhhhh is doing psychology?

and that’s all i could get because Annabelle was a mostly dialogue driven character with no actual mentioned likes or dislikes, in my eyes, Annabelle was not a well thought out character.

so moodboards can help because they show you how well you’ve got your characters figured out.

******

Plot

so plot is tough. i tend to gravitate more to character driven plot because characters are my #thing. i’m going to start by going through some of my plotlines and going over the good and bad and hopefully have an answer at the end of it after picking apart my writing. should be FUN.

long fic plots

Noise plot: Annabelle gets a new neighbour and he keeps fucking girls and waking her up and they have banter, he’s a hothead and invites her to psychoanalyze him and it leads to some tension but he is soft for her right away and they a little awkward with each other but finally give love a try.

Floral plot: would renowned tattoo artist Calum chooses a new apprentice, socially awkward and anxious Lily, they’re attracted to each other but the confines of a boss and pupil relationship are tight and evident, creating tensions. Calum struggles with being professional while falling for the cute apprentice, especially when pressure is put on them by their friends, after slow burn and anxiousness they finally get together.

Cromulent plot: Calum has a new PR relationship with Chlo and he hates her, he thinks she’s fake and does everything he can to piss her off, finally deciding to fuck with her emotions by being a GREAT boyfriend which ends up hurting her and he realizes maybe she’s not so bad after all, things are a little confusing but they finally sit down and talk it out and address some of Calum’s insecurities about her past relationships and PR stunts, they agree to give love a try.

so, from these 3 long fic outlines we can see i usually go for character based turmoil which works well for fics between 10-15k (or longer, Trouvaille fits this format and it was 19k) I just think, relationships take time and people struggle to figure themselves out enough to enter a relationship. if you have some fiery characters and banter (Cromulent and Noise) or perhaps awkward anxiety and tip toeing (Floral and Trouvaille) shit works out you know?

for smaller oneshot fics plots can be easier and more situational i think.

Movie Snack plot : Cal goes to Luke and his GF’s place for movies and Luke gets bored and eats the reader out in front of Cal which leads to sex.

Road Trip plot : Luke and reader are dating and on a road trip they’re horny but end up having to share a room with Cal who has always had a thing for the reader, smut ensues. 

Stay Still plot : Tattooist!Cal is the readers fuck buddy and she goes to get her tits pierced, ending up with Luke as her piercer, but Calum shows up and angst leads to smut.

so yeah, for smaller 1-5k little smut pieces it can be more relaxed, smut is just smut, not love, and sex is a hell of a lot easier than love you know? 

yeah, so that’s all my plot advice

*********

3rd person, 1st person, what the fuck person

when it comes to HOW you write your fic (what person, what tense, etc...) that’s up to you. it’s honestly whatever you feel best in. i’ve dabbled with a bit of everything. you just have to find what feels the most natural to you :) that’s the only advice i can give on this because no one thing is better than the other, it’s up to you.

one tip for 3rd person i have is to generally focus on one character. i’m a fan of doing the thing where for example, in Cromulent, we focus on Calum and why he doesn’t like Chlo. if we switched to Chlo a lot it would take away from the unreliable narration and bias Calum has. the good thing is to stay with Calum and be angry at Chlo and realize with Cal that she’s not so bad.

but that’s just me.

you can do switching when characters are together or on a phone call, like if you’re with Calum but he’s calling (for example) Chlo and then you want to see her reaction you can do

Calum groaned, staring at the ceiling, “bla bla cal saying shit”

“bla bla Chlo answering” she held the phone tighter etc...

and just like that you’re now with Chlo not Calum. 

*********** OC’s vs Reader Insert

i’ll be real here: for some reason, i feel like reader inserts are more read on tumblr and i started out doing reader inserts to build a following. 

personally, i prefer writing OC’s because you can go more in depth with EVERYTHING. 

it’s honestly up to you what you want to do. i’ve decided to do my short smuts at reader insert and longer fics as OC but it’s whatever works for you at the end of the day.

***********

Dialogue

I’m a fan of dialogue driving story, Noise was so much fucking dialogue it’s insane. finding your characters voice is important and sticking with that makes a huge difference. if you’re character can kind of be seen based JUST on what they’re saying, thats a good sign.

i hate to say it but imma say it: when doing 5sos it’s important to know they’re Australian. some countries have different mannerisms and such, for example, i’m Canadian but i can’t have Calum out here saying “it’s a nice day eh?” you know? so, i would advise to try to get a handle on accents and word choice specifically to make them more believable. as is said in the iconic movie Tropic Thunder 

***********

Motivation

so this is probably one of the biggest issues writers are facing and i’m about to get REAL AS FUCK.

on tumblr, it can feel like once you gain a following you CONSTANTLY need to be pumping shit out for them.

back in the day, i was posting a HC a day and a lot of it was for hogwarts!5sos. it felt like a job, which wasn’t anyone elses doing per se, i just think a lot of fic writers get caught up in this pressure whether it’s imposed by anons or not (im lucky that i’ve never had anon pressure and i’m very grateful for my amazing followers tbh)

Tumblr is not a job. if you’re writing, write for you. you are blessing tumblr with you’re writing. please don’t feel pressure to put stuff out or write a new chapter or anything.

if you ever feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, take a few days away, find the root of your writing joy. always do what you want to do. if you have to turn off asks to feel sane, do it. if you gotta block mean anons pressuring you, do it. you don’t owe anyone anything.

your writing is a gift graciously bestowed on this hellsite and this site shouldn’t make you feel pressured to write and give content FOR FREE. it shouldn’t make you lose your passion and make writing feel like a chore or job.

motivation can be hard. i’m a fucking psycho so don’t use me as a base for what you should be doing. i put out a fic a week which i really shouldn’t be doing, it’s not practical. but i can type fast as fuck and writing 1 or 2k in 10 minutes is normal for me so don’t use me as an example you know.

go at your own pace. write what you love. write au’s or for the characters you love and hopefully the rest will come.

******** Multi Chapter vs oneshots

ok more realness, pros and cons of each

oneshots:

pros:

-its one and done, no need to worry about putting out more

-they can be fun

-it’s all in one place which a lot of readers like

Cons:

-can be long af

-take longer to write since a oneshot is probably like 10+k depending on who you are as opposed to perhaps 5k chapters of a multi chapter fic 

Multi Chapter

pros:

-people are excited for more

-cliffhangers are fun

-people interact with you more about chapters to come

cons:

-more pressure to put out new chapters

-with each new chapter you’re probably losing likes because people get bored or forget about it because people sometimes don’t have the attention span or whatever to continue reading whenever you update

-usually tend to be longer than a oneshot (5k chapters means that in 2 chapters you have probably surpasses a oneshot length of 10ishk)

So i will be real. i prefer oneshots. i adore my gang au which was long as fuck and super multi chaptered but it’s tough to see the likes go down and down. plus, i wrote all of Penumbra (the main multi chaptered part) before i started putting it out so i had no pressure to write more cuz that shit was done before i started posting.

which does help. if you want to write the whole thing before you start posting it takes off the first con but you’re still left with the other 2. 

**********

Face Claims

i feel like for some characters they’re born without a face claim but i totally get it if you want to use a face claim before you even start. finding face claims can be hard so you have to get ready to go creep on insta and look at models and figure out who you like. a lot of insta models follow each other so once you find a model you like, look through their following list or recent likes to see other models.

another thing you can do is go for brands or photographers who link their models. Fashion Nova for example, if you’re scrolling through and like a girl the link is there. and the same goes for some photographers. there’s a lot of accounts that are just for hot girls with links to their instas so (even if it feel weird) you should go check those out :)

******

The Grocery Store Test

next, for making characters, i think for me name is a big part of it. once a character finds their name that character comes alive in my mind. i was thinking about this yesterday and i said to myself, ‘you know you have a good grasp on your character when you can imagine them in a grocery store and know what they’d do.’

for example:

Birdie (from Gang AU) would go look at nail polish and candy, Luke would legit have to put her in the cart to get her out of there and if there’s a book section? good luck man

Valentina (trouvaille) is just gorgeous. she and Harry would go and he’d push the cart and she’d have a nicely written notepad of things to get and she’d look so pretty, head bowed, crossing things off, and Harry would be such a melt for her. he would crash into things cuz he’s so busy paying attention to her. she’d be a fan of picking up boxes and reading out nutritional values just to point out to Harry that eggos are not good for him.

so, Valentina and Birdie are probably my best OC’s if i’m being honest and because of that, these were easy.

now, take a character i didn’t work on as much and suddenly it’s different

Annabelle (noise) never really talked about anything but school and shitting on Calum so, i mean, i guess i can think of what she’d do in a store but.. like, i’d have to think about it you know?

so to me, we can see the difference between a fully fledged OC and one that needs to be worked on.

but, Noise still got a lot of likes so i dunno, i’m just self critical i guess.

i think, when it comes to characters, everyone has flaws. Annabelle is too critical of Calum and has a stigma about wealth, Valentina… she’s flawless not gonna lie but she’s a little too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes and she should probably be less anxious, Birdie is way too sentimental and cries over everything, plus she’s way too trusting and naive at times.

it’s balance. but once a character is born in your brain, you just gotta give them love and hopefully others will as well :)

*****

The Meme Test

my most recent advice is: if you can meme a character or dynamic between characters, you know you’re gucci. imma leave a meme here for a fic i’m working on and ya’ll will have no clue what it means but whatever it’s a point

*****

so hopefully this has answered any questions you have. this is all just my opinion and if you disagree with what i’ve said thats chill. at the end of the day this is what works for me and i urge you to find what works for you. there’s no one clear way to write.

good luck writer bubs :) 

[casuallypassionate]

self harm tw

also angry about my dad again lmao like. god this is such a shit attention seeking mentality like i feel like i'm 15 years old and getting angry abt how no one cared to check on me even when i had very visible self harm wounds all over my arms but i cant believe i've been no contact with him for close to 2 months now and he hasn't even *attempted* to contact me like i haven't talked to him in 2 months and he legit doesn't even fucking care or notice like god damn i didnt do this FOR attention from him but im just like. fuck you really dont care at all huh you have not ONCE put in effort towards being a good father in the last 20 years huh you cant even fucking be bothered to do the bare minimum of finding out WHY i'm so angry with you like you really havent wondered at any point in the last two months why your daughter hasn't been talking to you like. god im just so fucking angry i hate this

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : Twin Star Runaways

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  On the run from houses they never called home, Bakugo and Izuku make some unlikely friends and make the worlds least conventional steps towards being heroes. 

They'll be amazing.

Bakugo and izuku were a little closer than in canon

when izuku's quirk didnt come in bakugo didnt jump straight to being mean and izuku didnt develop like, most of his issues because his best friend didnt abandon him

but everyone turned against the "quirkless weirdo" and when bakugo didnt leave him? they turned on him too

bakugo was a "villain in the making" or was crazy, scary, or "the weirdo's rabid dog" and he tries to play it off, like it doesnt bother him, but izuku gets angry, not that people are talking shit about him, but that they are coming after bakugo just for being a good person

not getting into canon, but in this au mitsuki is really abusive. inko is absent/neglectful because shes upset her husband divorced her and works nights as a nurse

so, the start of junior high, aged 11 and 12, izuku and katsuki run away because honestly anything is better than what they've been living though

as pretty cute kids they get pity food but they look so young no one will employ them

then they meet Touya, who for the sake of this AU is 17 at the time

so dabi runs into these 2 kids that look the same age as his little brother, one of which tried to blow him up within 20 secs of meeting him and the other was hiding behind a dumpster

and hes just like,,, "shit i cant believe i have 2 little brothers now"

that is cemented when he finds out izuku, hiding behind the dumpster? ya boy had a knife and was katsuki's backup

so dabi shows up where he knows these kids hide, he brings them food bc they are getting really thin, brings a new coat for katsuki bc he didnt have anything, teaches izuku how to use his knife better and sharpens it for him

he tells them about stain about corrupt heroes, and about his dad and katsuki and izuku latch onto this

katsuki's mum wished his quirk was "less violent" and that hed never be a hero because he was too scary and izuku's dad threw him away the second he realized his kid was Quirkless

and so izuku and katsuki decide they want to meet stain

dabi gives them some change and his email so they can contact him if they ever need to, and they set out for hosu (why is stain in hosu even tho it doesnt follow canon timelines? because i like hosu and i like tensei)

so in this au, stain skipped forward a bit, attacking hosu in some of his first rounds of hero purging

izuku and katsuki catch wind of a "cover up" by iidaten but izuku quickly realizes it was faked by another hero agency to try and get iidaten’s funding cut

and then they get a terrible feeling because thats the kinda thing that would cause stain to go after a hero so they end up running across hosu every night, taking turns to try and cover tensei as they look for stain

izuku and katsuki find stain over tensei, about to deliver the final blow and katsuki freezes because, stain is really scary and he has a bad vibe around him that almost made endeavour puke

but izuku throws himself inbetween tensei and stain

and stain is a little annoyed, but mostly impressed this scrawny kid is trying to stand up to him but then izuku tells him the scandal was faked and lays out every detail while hes pouring with tears because "ingenium is a good hero chizome"

and stain is like

wAIT WHY DOES A 10 YEAR OLD KNOW MY NAMe

(the answer? Dot connecting, the UA sports festival, and Steinhal. our boy is a smart cookie!)

at this point katsuki snaps out of his fear and tells stain he'll set off the loudest explosion he can manage if he doesnt step away from "one of the real heroes" and stain is honestly? pretty shook

so he does

and he just kinda, vanishes into the night

and izuku and katsuki swear because thats the guy they have been looking for for 2 weeks and they are out of food money and they just wanna get back to mutsutafu already so they start running after him

by the end they are freezing, 1AM and izuku is honestly worried about katsuki bc he gets cold easier because his quirk makes him sweaty even when he isnt hot and stain just takes pity on these kids and just kinda asks them is they have anywhere to go

izuku starts sobbing again because thats the kinda person he is, and katsuki tries to tell stain to go fuck himself but his teeth are chattering so hard he almost bites his tongue

stain just kinda sighs because god these kids remind him of Touya

and he laughs as izuku deadlifts a complaining katsuki and asks stain where hes gonna take them

also please: a subplot in this is tensei trying to work out who the kids that saved his life were

and he finds hospital records of katsuki and izuku for various brusies and broken bones

and sees that they havent been at school for 3 months, but also sees that no missing reports have been filed

and hes really upset because these kids are his little brothers age

anyway, after stain saves them from freezing they tell him ab how they cant be heroes but they wanted to be like him

and stain tells them they would make great heroes anyway and they cry

(at this point the AU changed from what was going to be a villain duo au into a vigilante au because its Soft AU Hours)

so, when they get back to mustutafu they meet up w dabi who says he has a present for izuku

(dabi said he join the leauge if afo gave izuku a quirk, and afo is interested to see how this goes so he said yes)

he would have joined the league anyway but he wanted to do his honorary little bro a solid if he could

afo was read to give izuku a kinda meh quirk honestly because the kid was going to want to be a hero and thats just bad business sense

then he finds out stain is fond of them and he pauses bc, thats pretty odd

then izuku walks in, is greeted by kurogiri and he bows to him bc hes a polite kid and afo is starting to like this child

izuku then tells shigiraki that he likes his shoes and shigiraki looks pleased with himself

so afo turns on the monitor and says hello and izuku pauses for a second and says

"sensei right? are you hurt? Why else would the video be off… oh sorry! I ramble when im nervous"

and afo just kinda,, "oh lord this child is sharp" so he chats with izuku a while and hears about how kids hurt him for being qurikless and afo kinda relates because people tried to murder him for having a quirk in the first place (i then ran through like 30 quirk ideas trying to work out the one I wanted to give him oops)

all for one gifts him the quirk guardian: can create hard light barriers. the more ambient light at the time of creation, the stronger the construct

he has the quirks perfect counter anyway, blackout: remove all light in a area, so hes not worried.

“where’d u get that quirk izuku”

“….enstranged uncle”

he works with katsuki to create barriers at the moment katsuki lets out explosions to maximise the strength

they start working as vigilanties

these lil baby 12 year olds and dabi is a big concered bro so he gets them some platform boots to make them look taller and masks to hide their voices

they wear big baggy hoodies bc they take them impacts and hide how thin they are

because they work at night they see aizawa a lot and aizawa is kinda confused because they have some pretty legit looking gear (big bro touya) so hes not sure if they are new heroes or not

izuku like, maybe stalked aizawa a little and found out hes a teacher at UA and izuku is so impressed and starstuck over this underground hero

katsuki is just grumbling because hes really impressed too but emotions are lame

izuku gets really hurt and katsuki knows this bitch is in trouble but he doesnt know what to do

katsuki asks eraserhead for help n aizawa is like "what going on??? are you a villain?" and katsuki rips off his mask, and is visible a super underweight 13 year old and aizawa just kinda feels his heart sink

and katsuki is trying not to cry and hes begging aizawa for help and aizawa is like "ahhhh fuuck I have 2 sons now"

vigilantes izuku and katsuki becoming wards of UA bc aizawa found them and has a deep seated hatred of the foster system

and the teachers just kinda accidentally adopt them

they take the ua entrance exam and manage to tie for first place, bakugo is all villain points and izuku got 50/50 rescue/villain points

and they have their letters playing at the same time as they hide in an alley way and the both start crying

because they really can be heroes

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[nothing-but-kpop-dreams]

BTS reaction: Them being a virgin and wanting their first time with you (request)

I am so, so, so sorry this took so long. I didn’t mean for it took take this long, but things have just been crazy for me and the rest of us on this blog.

Jin:

You two lay on the bed. You were cuddled next to Jin, watching YouTube videos on the laptop placed on Jin’s stomach. Suddenly, he paused the video, “I have to go to the bathroom. Don’t watch it without me.” he said a he crawled out of bed.

“Nah, I’m gonna keep watching.” you said only to be playfully annoying.

“No! See it without me and I’ll stop cooking for you!” he threatened as he left the room.

“PLaY thE ViDeo anD I wOn’T coOk foR You!” you mimicked in a high voice when you were sure he wasn’t able to hear you.

You left the laptop on this side of the bed and got up to just peek around his room as you waited. It wasn’t like it was your first time in his room or anything, you just found yourself wanting to take a look around at the stuff he bought since the last time you were over.

The first thing you did was open the drawer on his night stand. “Headphones… charger… cologne… condoms- wait what?!?” you grabbed at the small box, quickly realizing that it was already open.

You felt yourself becoming filled with rage. You tore up the box open finding out there were only 3 left in the box that was supposed to be packed with 10. “What the actually fuck?!?” You and Jin hadn’t slept together yet, so he obviously didn’t use these with you.”He’s cheating on me!”

“You didn’t play the video did you?” Jin’s voice asked as he appeared in the room.

You angry eyes flew on him. “You’re cheating on me?!?” you practically shouted.

He froze. “What?”

You threw the box at him. “Fuck you!”

His eyes followed the flimsy box as it awkwardly dropped to the floor. “Y/n, wait!” he said, blocking you from leaving the room. “It’s not what you think!”

“I don’t want to hear your stupid bullshit! I want to leave!”

“But Jagi, I’ve never even had sex before!”

“You expect me to believe that?!?”

“Look, they came in a gift basket a fan gave us. We decided to keep it. We each have one condom in our wallets just in case. And I’m the only that is keeping the rest cuz I’m the most responsible and they guys have to come to me to get another one. That way I can talk them out of stupid one night stands.

You continued to glare at him. “And you actually expect me to believe that you’re a virgin, “Mr. World wise handsome”, You “third guy from the left”, you literally could have anyone you just look at”

“But I want you! I love you! If I’m gonna sleep with someone, I don’t want it to be just anyone. Jagi believe me. If you go check my wallet, there is still a condom in there. Look, I can go get the rest of the guys to explain, just so that you will believe me.”

His voice drowned out and the only thing you focused on was the fact that he said he loved you. In all you months together he never said it before. “Y-you love me?

He came up closer to you, putting his hands on your waist. “Y/n, of course i love you.”

You held yourself back from hugging him back or giving him a kiss, you still weren’t too sure if you believed him.

“Y/n, please believe me. The other night at your place…What we did.. That was the closest I ever came to having sex.” he said with his face blushing.

“Really?” You said thinking back to when he came over and things got really heated between the two of you.’

“Yeah” he said with embarrassment. “Why did you think I was all giggly and nervous when you took your shirt off.” His face was burning even more.

Jin had never lied to you before. There didn’t seem to be a real reason for him  to lie to you right now, right? If he really did want anyone else, he could have them in a heartbeat. 

With much hesitancy, you hugged him back. “I believe you” you pulled him into a kiss. “And I love you too.”

Suga:

It was movie night at the dorm. You and your boyfriend, the one and only Suga of BTS were cuddled up on one end of the couch, Jhope sat at the other end of the couch. Jimin and rap monster were on the other couch, Jin and V were collecting the snack from the kitchen, and the maknae was out in the city doing his own thing.

“Guys, hurry up I want to start the movie!” Jimin shouted out to the two in the kitchen.

“Dude! We said to fucking wait!” V shouted back.

“Can’t something be done in this dorm without the need for screaming?” Suga groaned.

Being the good girlfriend you were, you covered his ears to protect him from the loud back and forth shouting. In return he gave you a cute smile and a peck on your temple. 

Suddenly the door busted open and the maknae walked in with an out-of-the-ordinary stride and a huge smile on his face. He marched his way into the center of the living room and stood with pride. 

“Jungkook, move you are blocking the TV.” you whined. You knew there was nothing on yet, but the movie was supposed to be played any second. 

Jungkook ignored you and went ahead and spoke. “Is no one going to ask why I am so happy?” he asked loudly.

“We don’t really care Jungkook.” Suga mumbled.

“Well,  I am happy because… I just had sex! And it felt so good!” he practically sang the whole song. 

“So that barista you were talking about?” Rap monster asked, even though he was just as uninterested as everyone else.

“Yup!” Jungkook’s smile grew.

“Yay?” Jimin said with an unimpressed tone.

“What stupid thing is jungkook announcing now?” Jin asked as he an V walked into the room. 

“I had sex!” Jungkook smiled.

“Alright!” V said giving him a high five, the only one to really care about Jungkook’s sex life.

“Can we watching the movie now?” Jhope groaned

“C’mon guys! This is a big moment for me! I’m a man now! We are officially a dorm of men!” 

You almost laughed. “So having sex makes you a man?”

“As a matter of fact, yes it does.” Jungkook said looking over to you. “And now that everyone in this house has had sex at least once, we are now all men.”

Suga rolled his eyes. “This isn’t a “dorm of men” just becuase “we’ve all had sex”. Not all of us here have had sex, but we are just as much men as before you fucked a barista.”

Jungkook looked confused. “What are you talking about, we’ve all slept with someone… Me and the barista, Namjoon and that stylist, Jin and his ex, Tae and the thai girl, Hoseok and that girl at the fan meet, Jimin and his new girlfriend, and you and y/n, so that is all of us.” He completely missed the point Suga was trying to make.

“What? Yoongi and I havent had sex yet!” You said a bit offended.

“Jungkook how stupid are you, I never said anything about having sex with y/n.” Suga pointed out, calming you down about him talking about your relationship with the rest of the guys. “I haven’t had sex with anyone.” he said with a straight face.

“Wait, your a virgin?” you asked the question everyone was about to ask.

“Yeah” he said without any shame or embarrassment.

To you though, this didn’t make sense. “But… But how? I would have thought cuz- Well, girls always throw themselves at you!” 

He only shrugged “I’m not one for random hookups. You are technically my first legit relationship, so I thought I’d wait until you wanted to do it.” 

The boys all looked between one another, just as thrown off as you were. “So…” Jungkook began. “This means I am more of a man than Yoongi.” he said with a smirk

“No you aren’t!” Suga snapped. “Shut up and sit down so we can watch the movie!” 

Jungkook did so, a smirk still on his face as he sat between Jimin and Rap monster. V played the movie and for a second everyone was quiet. 

“…But even I’m not a virgin. Why do you feel the need to like, I don’t know, not start anything with me?” You whispered. You couldn’t let the topic go.

“Shhhh, movie time.” Suga said, his eyes were only on the tv.

But, It wasn’t long into the movie that Jungkook began giggling to himself. It got to the point where V paused the movie. “Dude, shut the fuck up!”

“Sorry sorry, Its just- I am more of a man that Yoongi!” he repeated.

“No you aren’t” you barked.

“Yes I am!

“Oh yeah?

“Yeah! Cuz scinece !” was the Jungkook’s sad explanation

Rap monster just glared at Jungkook, mumbling under his breath. “Tae just press play.”

“You know what?” you stood up ffom the couch. “Yoongi, let’s go to your room!”

Suga let out a groan of annoyance. “Why?”

“So I can make you a man!”

“Ok!” he jumped up and was already leading you to his room.

“Ew! Wait no!” Jhope shouted. “I don’t want to hear you two fuck!” Jimin screamed

“Then leave!” Suga said as he pulled you into his room.

Rap monster:

“Thanks for letting me get ready here!” you said as you tied the rope of your robe around your waist and walked into his bedroom to grabbed your makeup bag.

You could feel his eyes following you as you made your way around the place. “Well, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t let my princess get ready for our dinner date?” he asked as he came up behind you. His arms laced around you as he made eye contact with you through the mirror.

“You are an amazing boyfriend.” you said as you gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Oh, I bet you can give me more than a small kiss”

“I could, but I need to finish getting ready and you need to get dressed!” you reminded.

“Hm, but I don’t want to get dressed.” he hummed as he began kissing your neck.

He worked his way up to your lips and that’s when you were a goner. You couldn’t break away from him and you didn’t want to. It got to the point where he already had you sitting on the restroom counter. He stood between your knees, moving his hands all over you. It was when his hands went up your robe and slowly up your bare thighs that you stopped him. “Namjoon, I don’t want to do that yet.” you said with a heavy breath. “Like I want to, but I don’t want to”

“We can just not go to the restaurant.”  he said as he went for your lips again.

“No, Namjoon, I’m don’t know if I’m ready to have sex yet… I’ve never done it before.” you said softly.

Immediately, the way he looked at you changed and his expression became softer. “Well, I mean, y/n, its just me. You don’t have to be so shy about it. We don’t have to do anything yet, ok.”

“Yeah?” you asked nervously.

“Of course! And between you and me, I’ve never done it before either.”

You raised your eyebrows at him. “Really?”

“Yeah… I just… Kinda wanted to wait for the right person, someone who wasn’t going to use me for my money or like blackmail me or anything.” he shrugged.

“Oh wow.” was all you could say.

He kissed you again, this time in a sweet manner. “So with that being said…I really, really, really, really hope you feel comfortable enough with me to be your first time, cuz I really, really, really, really , really want to have my first time with you.” he smiled.

You smiled back. “Well, I guess we can just see how the date goes and how I feel about everything tonight…Maybe I might change my mind.” you said as you bit your lip.

“Then I’m gonna go change!” he said running out of the room and getting his stuff together.

Jhope:

You first met Hoseok through your jerk ex, Namjoon. He had been one of Namjoon’s best friends and he was the “treats you better than your boyfriend treats you” type of guy. Because of that, you fell for him. Having a better idea of how you should really be treated, you left Namjoon, loosing your group of friends in the process, except for Hosoek. He never left your side, but you weren’t sure if it was because he considered you a great friend or because he had strong feelings for you too.

Right now you were standing in front of the mirror, triple checking your outfit as you thought of things you noticed that made you feel as though he liked you back. He was always with you, always wanting to hang out one way or another.  he never spoke about any other girls with you or anything of the sort. No matter how much you bugged him about revealing crushes or what his type of girl was, he never told you. Since you both hung out alot, the club was always a fun place to go to, but Hoseok never danced with anyone but you (no matter how much other girls begged him). There is a memory with him that always stuck on your head. There was one night where you both got really drunk and just knocked out on his bed and when you woke up he was cuddled next to you.

But there were also alot of things that made you unsure about how he felt for you. He never seemed to make a move on you, ever. You would always try to slip a flirt in here and there and he would just wave it away or ignore it completely. You constantly made attempts to make him jealous, only for them all to fail. He never seemed nervous or upset or nosy about who you went on dates with and always heard you out when you vented about a “current” guy of interest. He never so much as had lingering hugs with you like you did too many times.

You didn’t know how he felt about you, but you were tired of keeping your feelings to yourself. “I don’t care anymore! I am not going another night without him knowing!”

Prior to him showing up you had a few bottles of liquid courage so you probably weren’t in the best mindset. So right now you stood in front of the mirror in your shortest skin tight dress… in hopes of seducing him. Yup, that was really your “best” plan and you had no other plan in mind.

“Ok y/n. You got this. You look hot! Like… so hot Yeah.. Ok … Ok! Hoseok is out there eating chips looking fine as fuck in that outfit you love him in, so you just gotta match his level… ok, ok, ok! I got this!” you said to yourself in the mirror trying to hype yourself as much as possible.

You walked out your room, peeking at him from the hall. Hoseok was just sitting at your kitchen island eating like before, watching the tv that was playing in your living room.

“So how do I look?” you asked strutting into the kitchen, trying to lighten the mood by dramatically posing (lowkey trying to show off your figure). 

He turned over to you, his jaw fell immediately. “W-wow!” His eyes trailed you from head to toe. “…wow”

“And look, feel the fabric!” you ran up to him, grabbed his hands and slid them up and down your waist before he had a chance to say anything. “Its all nice and soft!” you said “innocently”.

He laughed nervously. Uh, yeah, I like it.” he tried to hide his smile, but you didn’t hide yours as his hands stayed on your waist.

You rested your hands on his shoulders. “And what do you think of my new lipstick?” you asked as you puckered your lips. 

“Hot!” he blurted out

“Hot? You think it makes me look hot ?” you smirked.

“No! Well yeah! but like , in a friend way.. but then not! But like I’m not saying you’re not hot, cuz you are, but like ok but yes-”

This was the perfect moment and you took it. You didn’t think twice and you stopped him with a  kiss. Completely thrown off by your action, he pulled back. “Wh-wh- wha?” his face was stuck between a smile and a look of shock and he shook his head unable to process what just happened. “Did you just-” there was a smirk on his face, but it changed again to confusion “But like what?” Through out this whole time, he still didn’t let go of you and that was the only sign you had that he didn’t hate the kiss.

“Well, if my kiss didn’t give it away, I’m trying to show you i like you hobi, I’ve liked you for a long time” you finally said out loud.

“Y-you like me too?” a shy smile grew on his face.

Another burst of energy went through you, “Too? So you like me?” you asked excitedly.

“Well, yeah. I just-” he let out a happy chuckle “I was just scared to tell you…” he admitted. 

“Well, know that we both know our feelings for each other, why don’t we skip club night and go express ourselves in my room?” you asked as seductively as possible as you pulled him into another kiss.

That’s when he face burned red. “…So you mean like… do it? like… sex?” again he was back to being nervous, yet giddy.

“Yeah, what else would I be talking about?” you asked as you tugged on his arm to get up from the chair.

“Well.. the thing is… I never done it before” he said timidly.

“You’re a virgin?”

“…Yeah…”

“Well… we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. We can just stay here and kiss some more!”

“No! I want to! Like really want to! I… I just don’t want to… disappoint you - cuz like I’ve never done it….” he blushed.

“Oh Hoseok, believe me. If you can move your hips in bed as much as you do on the dance floor, no one is going to be disappointed!”

V:

It was another one of those heated moments between the two of you. You were in his bed, he on top of you and you were so ready to go all the way with him finally. With the way his lips crashed into your and how his hands moved on your body, you just couldn’t contain yourself anymore. You ripped off your shirt and you barely had the time to unhook your bra when his hands were already on the task. It was all so much and before you knew it his lips were all over you. You loved every second of it.

But then suddenly he just stopped! He sat up on top of you, catching his breath. He looked down at you with hungry eyes, but he still did nothing. “Why don’t we go back to the video games?” he asked randomly.

“What?!? Babe, no!” you said, pulling his down again and putting his hands back on you. You attacked his lips and then his neck as you pulled his shirt off.

Again he protested. “Babe, seriously.” he said as he lips left a kiss on your neck. “The game though!”

You could feel yourself becoming filled with insecurity and now you were the one to push his away. “Why do you want to play a stupid game?!? Is there something you don’t like about my body? Did I turn you off?” your voice cracked as you grabbed your short and covered yourself

“No!” He said immediately. “Baby, heck no!” he leaned down on you and kissed deeply you some more. “You are beautiful. I love your body!” he reassured as his arms snaked around you.

“Then what is it? You can’t seriously want to play a stupid video game!” you snapped as you again pushed him off.

“Its just… I’ve never done it before…” he said in almost a whipser.

You turned back to him. “What?!?”

“I’ve never done it before.” he said a bit louder.

“No, like are you serious? You never slept with anyone before?”

“No… And believe me I really, really want to sleep with you, but then I think too much and I stress myself out! I want you to be my first and all that, but I also want to be good for you. I don’t want you to be disappointed with me and whatever” he concluded with a mumble

“Aw, Tae!” you cooed.You grabbed him and pulled him to you again. “Just go with the flow. And trust me, the only way you are disappointing me is baby constantly stopping this from happening! ‘you said as you kissed him again.

He pulled himself up again to say something, but them he stopped himself staring down at you just as lustfully as he did before.

Jimin:

They sat across from each other A small table int he middle of the dimly lit dorm.

“I’m sorry jagi, I really wanted to take you out somewhere… but I didn’t want to risk the fans knowing about you. You are the one aspect about me that is private and i just want to keep it that way.” he said shyly.

Her hand reached for his. “Don’t worry Jimin, as long as I’m with you, I’m happy.”

His smiled widened. “You don’t mean that.”

“Jimin, you spent all day setting up these candles and making this dinner. I really appreciate this! I like that you really do put in time for me. That’s alot more than some people.”

“Yeah… but I kinda over cooked the fish and it’s only candles. It’s nothing too elaborate. I didn’t have as much time as i wanted to make everything how i imagined.”

She stood up from her chair and went up to him. “Scoot back a bit.”

“Why?”

“So I can sit on your lap.”

He did so and she placed herself on his thighs, her arms hung on his shoulders. His had went to her wait, keeping her in place. “Why did you want to sit on my lap?” he played stupid.

“So i can kiss you.” She said bringing her lips to his.

The heating moment was ruined when the front door busted open and his band members stumbled into the dorm. 

“Ugh I feel sick!” Suga groaned, grabbing holding his stomach. “Wooooooooooo!” Jhope howled as he “danced his way to the hallway. “Aaaayyyy, Jimin!” V said stammering up to the two of them.”You lost your V card now? Y/n, did you finally “make him happy” yet” he said through a drunk smile

Jin quickly came up behind V, pulling him away from Jimin and Y/n. “Sorry Jimin. I tried to keep them out longer but it was getting too hard.”

Y/n stood up from his lap, not looking too happy. He had to hurry up and make the guys leave. “Um that’s ok, but can you like make sure they all go to their rooms, so Y/n and I can at least finish eating?”

“Yeah, no problem.” he said giving Jimin and Y/n an awkward smile. Then the was off herding the 5 drunk boys to his room.

“Lose your V card? You’re a virgin?” Y/n’s voice went dark now that the guys were out of the room. She was not happy at all. She crossed her arms. “So this whole dinner was so that I would sleep with you?!? And are you complaining to the rest of the guys that i don’t sleep with you?!? That its my fault you haven’t lost it yet? I thought what happened between us was only between us?!?”

“Jagi, Just calm down a bit.” He said softly.

“I don;t want to fucking calm down! What else do they know about us? What else have you told them about me?!? Or should I ask what have you told them but not me? Cuz I for sure didn’t know you were still a virgin, even though I confessed to you that I wasn’t one anymore! So they know that too or what?!?”

“What? No!  I-I told them i was a virgin just cuz it came up in conversation in practice and they started picking on me, but I never talk to them about us. I never said anything bad about you, ever! Jagi, just let me explain!” he begged.

She stayed quiet, giving him a moment to talk (mostly to just glare at him with threatening eyes).

“So yeah, I’ve never slept with anyone yet, but that’s cuz I never been in a legit relationship and I don;t like the idea of just hooking up with someone and it not meaning anything. And, and, and I remembered how a few weeks ago, you told me you regretted your first time cuz you weren’t too into your ex and he wasn’t even romantic about the whole thing or loving with you in general. So I just thought that, you know, if I show you that even with my schedule, that i really do care for you, and that i don’t want to just sleep with you. Like, yeah i want to sleep with you…really bad. But like, I really do care about you y/n. So, like yeah, Tae said what he said, but the reason behind the dinner was not to get you tpo sleep with me, it was just to like, to show you that i care about us..”

He couldn’t quite determine y/n’s expression. Se didn’t look mad, but she didn’t looked please. She kinda looked like she was thinking things over, but then again he was too busy sweating out his nerves to really concentrate on how she was processing his frazzled explanation.

“…So you really haven’t had sex before?” 

“The more that gets said, the more of a loser I feel I am.” he said, feeling his cheeks burning. “I just never told you cuz I don’t… Its just embarrassing.”

She let out a sigh as she walked back up to  him, gently grabbing his hands. “Its like the more i get to know you, the more I wish Imet you sooner. I regret it even more that I wasted my first time on my loser ex.”

“Well, it’s not like i love you any less just cuz you slept with someone before me.” he reassured. “But you are you still mad?” he asked nervously.

“No.”

“…So what do you want to do now?”

“Why don;t we take this food to my place and finish your wonderful dinner cuz I don;t want to deal with drunk BTS… Then after dinner, we can see what we can do about your V card.” she smirked.

Jungkook:

They sat on the couch watching a movie. Things were going well, Y/n was nestled in his chest, he had his arm around her. and they were cozy under the blanket. everything was great… until a sex scene came on.

Jungkook was suddenly hit with a wave of awkward and sexual tension. and his whole body tensed up. He wanted to know if he was the only one feeling this, so he peeked at y/n from the corner of his eye. To say the least, she was “shookth”. Just as awkwardly as he was, she tensed up too ans leaned away from him. 

That was when he panicked. “She is getting weird to! What do I do?!? Do I fast foward? No! Cuz that means i am acknowledging the awkward! Do I say something? Yes! Wait, no!” Wait, I should! But what?!?” 

The scene was still on. For some reason it never ended. “I HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET!” was what he blurted out. Then he felt mortified. “What did i just say?!?” he screamed internally 

He could feel y/n staring at him, but he didn’t dare move his head towards her. 

“What?” she asked, completely thrown off by his comment.

“I- I said that, uh, that, I- never had sex before…” he grumbled. “Why did i just say that again?!?” he screamed in his mind.

Y/n paused the movie (”thankfully” the sex scene was over). “And you said they why?” she asked,

He firced himself to shrug. “Just wanted to make things less awkward…”

“…I don’t think it worked.”

He forced himself to nod in agreement. He could feel his face burning like crazy.

“…So… You really never slept with anyone before?”

“still a virgin.” He mentally cursed himself for saying it out loud again.

“…Well, if it makes you feel any better… I am a virgin too…”

He let out the air he was holding in his lungs.”really?” he asked finally turning ti her.

“Yeah.”

“Cool - Wait, nit cool? well wait-”

“Jungkook I know what you mean.”

He smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of his head as an excuse to look away from her and recollect his thoughts. “So… Since neither one of us have done it yet… wanna do it?” it was worth asking since they were on the topic now.

“Yeah!”

He jumped up in excitement. “Really?”

“No stupid!” 

“oh.” he mumbled sinking back into his spot. with a pout.

“Maybe later on though… When I’m ready you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.’

“…Ok… I can wait till then, I want you to be my first,” he added shyly

“I do too… but i just want to make sure i am sure about it.” she said

-Admin Boat

[snowyrosepetals]

1. What is your full name? Crow Raven Cross

2. What is your nickname? Bird? xD

3. What is your zodiac sign? Aquarius

4. What is your favorite book series? idek, i havent read a book in a while

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? hELL YE 

6. Who is your favorite author?J.K. Rowling? 

7. What is your favorite radio station? Dont listen to radio

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? ooo, mint?

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? I say neat a lot so probs that

10. What is your current favorite song? The Moon Rises MLP bc Im a nerd

11. What is your favorite word? uh, fantabulous

12. What was the last song you listened to? Everything Black by Unlike Pluto

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? supernatural

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Beauty and the Beast

15. Do you play video games? yES

16. What is your biggest fear? Being alone

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? My eyes

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? everything else

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? kittiess

20. What is your favorite season? Winter

21. Are you in a relationship? nOPE

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? never had one xD

23. Who is your best friend? whats that

24. What is your eye color? Blue/green/gray

25. What is your hair color? Magenta/Pink

26. Who is someone you love? 

27. Who is someone you trust? A smol loaf

28. Who is someone you think about often? oof

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? yeah excited for sleep

30. What is your biggest obsession? youtube lmao

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Icarly ftw

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? probs a smol loaf I know

33. Are you superstitious? Ive seen some shit so ye

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? somtimes when looking at fire i picture what its like seeing everything burning, so, nah 

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind 

36. What is your favorite hobby? eating butterscotch candy and hating myself 10/10

37. What was the last book you read? Alice in wonderland 

38. What was the last movie you watched? Black Butler Book of the Antlantic

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? none but wanna play piano

40. What is your favorite animal? wolf or fox

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? no idea, love you all the same~ <3

42. What superpower do you wish you had? shapeshift 

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? alone in the woods by a lake

44. What makes you smile? cute drawing/animals/being talked to ffs

45. What sports do you play, if any? Professional sleeper

46. What is your favorite drink? Shirley Temple or Cherry coke

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? a few months ago? 

48. Are you afraid of heights? depends ig, but not really

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? someone constantly tapping

50. Have you ever been to a concert? yup

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? nu

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? dead, so I succeeded 

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? The world in Rwby

54. What is something you worry about? everything

55. Are you scared of the dark? nope

56. Do you like to sing? sometimes

57. Have you ever skipped school? all the time

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? my bed

59. Where would you like to live? anywhere in a forest

60. Do you have any pets? 1 doggo

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? i mean, its 1:45AM so, totally early bird

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunset

63. Do you know how to drive?  yup

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? split between the two

65. Have you ever had braces? nope

66. What is your favorite genre of music? honestly any

67. Who is your hero? whoever invented hot pockets 

68. Do you read comic books? used to

69. What makes you the most angry? people blaming you for their problems :D

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? real book

71. What is your favorite subject in school? English or art

72. Do you have any siblings? wish i didnt

73. What was the last thing you bought? a scooby doo shirt

74. How tall are you? 6′0

75. Can you cook? yuppers

76. What are three things that you love? roses, my pc, my bed

77. What are three things that you hate? shit only 3? people, flies, and uh, idek hot weather 

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? honestly ive always had female friends, idk why i just get along with them better

79. What is your sexual orientation? pansexual

80. Where do you currently live? Arizona in the middle of nowhere, in a cabin in the woods

81. Who was the last person you texted? a bread loaf

82. When was the last time you cried? legit 5 minutes ago

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Achievement Hunter

84. Do you like to take selfies? no bc i look ugly, yes bc filters make me cute

85. What is your favorite app? instagram

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? hope i never see them again :D

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? british

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? disney world

89. What is your favorite number? 24

90. Can you juggle? nope

91. Are you religious? hail satan

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? i guess??

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? depends?

94. Are you allergic to anything? grass and coconut 

95. Can you curl your tongue? yas

96. Can you wiggle your ears? yup

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? fairly often? 

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forest 

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? die

100. Are you a good liar? depends ;p

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw 

102. Do you talk to yourself? yea

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? hARD INTROVERT

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? used to

105. Do you believe in second chances? depends really, i give too many bc im stupid but, no longer

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? go buy starbucks 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? lately, nope

108. Are you ticklish? yup

109. Have you ever been on a plane? yep

110. Do you have any piercings? nu but i want some

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Ruby Rose

112. Do you have any tattoos? no but wantt

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? going back to a store 20 minutes before they close to buy a hat

114. Do you believe in karma? yep

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses

116. Do you want children? kinda

117. Who is the smartest person you know? the mouse that keeps avoiding the traps in my house

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? friend walked in on me playing with my butt and just squishing it, laughed at me for 3 days straight 

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? 3 days ago, when i slept finally last night

120. What color are most of you clothes? black

121. Do you like adventures? yES

122. Have you ever been on TV? nu

123. How old are you? 17

124. What is your favorite quote? “You are the cause of your own future”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? sweet

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

bruh this is a rambley post and i feel like ive made a lot of those recently so im just gonna have a keep reading thing so this isnt too long but yeah

i figured out the most recent thing that makes me a shitty person!

or at least makes me incredibly angry at myself

so i have a gf and weve been together for like 6 and a half months which is a really long time but the thing is for the last month and a half i just havent been in love with her bc all of my romantic feelings faded and now id much rather just be friends but im kind of stuck bc shes still super in love with me and i dont want to hurt her and also recently a lot of her friends have been ditching her and shit and i dont want to do that too

so now i just feel horrible bc what do i even do now

and then on top of that i suck at differentiating between platonic and romantic attraction, right? i literally always have my whole life and ill like look back with hindsight on “crushes” and be like lol nope that was just strong platonic attraction and ill look back on “friends” and be like nah i totally had a crush on them

and usually when i bring up that fact in the present tense its just me denying to myself that im gaining romantic feelings for a friend im just like haha no i dont have a crush on them im probably just getting confused haha

but right now that confusion between platonic and romantic attraction is for real like its not just me denying a crush i legit dont know if i like this person or if i just wanna be their friend and i am just so confuseddddd

i have squishes on these 2 people i have a class/classes with i just really wanna be friends with them right. and both of em are really pretty and im just gonna straight up say that bc this is a reminder that aesthetic attraction doenst equal romantic attraction but yeah so its this girl i have geography with and this guy that i have geography and jazz dance with

and like recently throughout quarantine i have realized that i am not in fact solely attracted to women, but damn my brain didnt have to play me like that and have me confused over whether i like the BOY

*i would insert one of those “hah attraction to men is a disease get well soon” jokes but the problem is when people joke like that a lot of the time they legit mean it so instead im going to put here a reminder that liking guys doesnt make you gross and it isnt a bad thing thanks cool end of this paragraph*

but yeah so not only do i have a gf who im not in love with im also extremely confused over whether im crushing on this boy or if i just think hes pretty and wanna be his friend

like i get that i dont have conscious decision over my emotions but i just feel incredibly bad for this and i hate it

*this is an update a lil bit later like a week or something i still have no clue if i like him or not but ajhgdkfjghsjk the confusion has just gotten worseee i hate it here. and i cant even ramble about him (besides here ig) bc i definitely would SOUND like i have a crush on him when in fact im just hella confused bc yeah a lot of the shit he does is just adorable like how he makes smileys like (: this instead of :) and he just got good vibes but also the aforementioned being shit at romantic vs platonic and also the fact that hes just a big mood and i definitely have a squish but idk if its a crush and im just so confused and i hate my brain ARGH

[sramister]

Yeeeeeeeeeeee so like. I gotta a pretty small group of people I chill with. and like theyre all dudes. and theyre all so FUCKIN DUMB sometimes. Like im sorry but dude... why are boys so fuckin dumb lmao. fuckin they all always gotta be so manly its a n n o y i n g. Jokingly called one gay because he was eating nuts, dude he started going o f f "I get more pussy than any of you in the fucking chat" (Probably cause im straight and the other dude is a virgin bc religion? also boy you havent been laid in months fuck outta here) "I would fucking kill any gay guy that started hitting on me" (Dont worry bud you're not that attractive. & also youre the reason people hate straights lmfao what the actual fuck you aint gotta be so violent) it was w i l d. So fragile. I can't deal with it its so funny. and if I call them out on it their like "no im very confident in my sexuality." ya oke bud. s u r e. Literally never once have I gotten angry when people thought I was lesbian? Legit just gotta be like "oh haha nah sorry, u cute tho." AND OMFG THIS IS MY FAVORITE. theyre all younger than me by a year, but they all try to act older and dad-like. they thing theyre so wise, always sending stupid ass motivational quotes that stay at home mom Karen would share on fb with a picture of minions. I told them their advice was dumb and meaningless and they got so mad. legit I said "Youre copy and pasting proverbs and mark twain quotes into the chat and they dont mean anything" so they tried to be like "god youre so negative. wtf" an im just like "ye sure bud. but what if, I just straight up know shit aint always magic and rainbows bc ive been raise in shitty situations. like sorry I didnt get to be raised by two parents who both make six figures and can give me everything ive ever wanted asap." THEY GOT MAD ASF. "Youre only a year older than us. stop acting like you know everything youre not so wise yourself." like ye son I know. thats why I dont ask people my age for legit advice. bc we're all fucking dumb. dont know s h i t. and then they were like yea sure okay whatever. N ya know, theyre too manly. they cant be wrong. so thats how shit ends. "yea sure whatever" later that day I made another joke about one of them being a hick bc thats our joke and he got mad and so I sent "Yall so easy to instigate wtf I aint even gotta try with yall." dude tries to analyze me and fuckin fails. "I think you try and instigate us to keep us from attacking you and focusing on your problems." so i sent "ya sure. you can think that but youd be wrong lmao" (Cause 1. I know my problems and I actually work to fix my shit, so I have few issues atm. 2. they dont let me talk when we're in person. straight up they can ask me something like "what happened to your mom" and Ill start to answer, and they cut me off.) OKAY AND THEN EVEN LATER THAT NIGHT SHIT STARTED OVER ME BUYING A RICE COOKER. DUDE SAID ONLY ASIANS LIKE RICE AND IM LIKE YA OKAY SURE LETS FORGET ABOUT ALL THE OTHER CULTURES THAT LIKE RICE TOO. WE LEGIT WERE EATIN SPANISH RICE THE DAY BEFORE LMAO. So like dude sent some shit like "I only like american shit" and I go "You like very little bc not a lot of american lmao." and somehow that made him go straight to beer. So for 15 minutes we argued about beer. He didn't understand that beer is not american. he kept saying "budweiser is american beer." Like ye ur right, but that doesnt make all of beer American. "We have our own brewing methods, so its american." "okay but like. that doesnt make beer american? it just means weve found another way to make it?" "all beer would taste the same if americans didnt make new things" MY DUDE ITS CALLED A RECIPE LMAO. HE COULDNT UNDERSTAND. THAT FUCKIN JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE OUR OWN METHODS AND RECIPES DOESNT MEAN BEER IS AMERICAN. YEA WE GOT AMERICAN BEER. BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE BEER AMERICAN. BEER HAS BEEN ALONG WELL BEFORE AMERICA. DUDE WAS KILLING ME. and omg I need to make a sep post about the arguement about what is and isnt american even though the shits legit written down lmao. that was i n t e n s e. Home boy left the group chat. sent me a bunch of bs "insults". oh god it was f u n n y a f. stay tuned

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[teddy-feathers]

@avidlebon i uh. Tangled maybe? Ive seen the movie not the new show. Dads... Got the mindset of hes the man of the house. His way or the highway he knows best. Hes not a bad guy I'm just... So fed up with how he talks and behaves and his "hes in charge" attitude. I'm... Tired of feeling disrespected that nothing i do or care about matters my opinions are *wrong* like dude maybe I dont have all the info but im tired of your holier than thou attitude. And yeah its little shit like things only go where he says they go and he throughs a fit like a CHILD if things are out of place i realize its not my house but when him and mom disagree mom basically sucks it up and doesnt argue she just does what she wants around him which just adds drama later or like. He gets to be loud. Or vent. Or bitch. Or make HORRIBLE remarks and insinuations like i dont care if im being a smart ass bitch from hell (even discounting that any more if Im back talking its because HE FUCKING STARTED IT) you do not get to say i need to watch my damn tone or youre going to knock my teeth down my throat Like no. You havent really touched me or beat me but that doesnt mean saying shit like thats okay and i swear tk god he ever grabs me by the shirt front to get in my face EVER again NO MATTER the provocation or how legit he thinks his reason is I'm WALKING to Virginia. And for the love of god I mean you dont get to tell me to watch MY attitude watch MY tone and act and behave like THAT i SWEAR I'm getting SO CLOSE to just saying "either keep a civil tone or shut up" because damn it I dont care if hes paying the bills or that its his house Im SICK of how he gets to be an asshole one sec and then we all sit around and talk about something light or watch shows like nothing happened because nothing did. I dont care that hes BETTER my tolerance and acceptance has a lower base line for this shit. Like if nothing else I got out of going to see a shrink is knowing that I'm an adult and a person deserving of space and consideration - that even if I wasnt an adult I SHOULDNT have to put up with this behavior if it upsets me. and you know if he wants to play the "you know where the door is" card... Ive left before. It was because of my issues not because of him but... By acknowldging and attempting to deal with my shit... NOT responsible for dealing with HIS shit. He needs to control his temper. Im not saying hes not allowed to be angry in his own god blessed house im saying how he expresses it amd how he makes it our problem how discussions are a MANDITORY sham how disrespectful he is of our time... When i work or have appointments they need to be on the calender the sooner the better. But weekend with nothing scheduled comes up we have plans. Plans that when I ask I get youll see. Or we're doing cleaning. Cleaning what? Vacuuming laundry? Anything I can do and work around? No dont do things until i tell you. Or i wake up and I wanted to go to a cat cafe. Or job hunting. And suddenly we're going grocery shopping and sense we're out lets stop here here and here or hey i need to talk to you when youre done talking to your friend. ... Um my one friend (he doesnt count online people) that i talk to? That i MAYBE can talk to once a month? That if i get on the phone with were prob spending the rest of the night bsing? I'm not going to be done so if you want to talk tell me that and well talk and ill call my friend back after. Dont get fucking huffy like im prioritizing them over you when i hardly talk to them, and you HAVE to notice how freaked i get when you ambush me with talks. and like. Tuck in your shirt. Do something with your hair. You look un professional i wouldn't hire you. Or you know i have somewhere to be and you stop me on.my way out the door? I dont care if YOU dont think i need to leave an hour early. why the fuck would you think thats okay? And just this whole "walk it off pussy, people and their fragile fucking egos" like hello. Daughter youre talking to? The one who has to "walk off" the panic attacks facing YOUR attitude gives me however unintentional to walk around and smile and keep the conversation light? Who has to respond to everything you say and navigate the conversation like a fucking pro to avoid things I cant stand talking about with you because it makes it worse? The person who HAS to compulsively fixate on EVERYONES tone and attitude and when feels over whelmed hides in the bathroom trying not to cry and yet has STILL managed to fucking work cashier jobs most of her working life? Yeah standing right here asshole. YOU dont get to tell anyone how much is too much for them to handle, you dont get to caat shame on "my generation" and therefore ME when on what I can or cannot handle. You dont get to fucking decided whats too much for me to handle or how far I have to push myself to be worthy i have PROVED myself to your standards, been homeless and emotionally wrecked contemplated suicide NOT because im a "coward" but because being ALIVE has at times caused myself and those i care about more pain than i could POSSIBLY have value. I worked my ass off alone, did things the "hard way" thinking itd prove something to me or to you and Not one god damn thing changed and you know what? It WAS too much to handle alone - i pushed myself so far outside being okay that the ONLY god blessed reason I AM alive is that my best friend who you think so LITTLE of was there and so was her mom and hell Ive been to therapy. Ive struggled and come so far and i am NOT going to let you make me feel like nothing. I can feel valuless all by myself, can feel like shit all by myself, have enough of my OWN negitivity to carry I REFUSE to carry yours. And i DONT have to. I DONT. NO ONE DOES. Even if putting up with it means another day with a roof and food even if there was NO way of me surviving on my own that doesnt mean i deserve to be treated this way. And im lucky because i have other people in my life willing to help if i call. So i can afford to be upset.... Even if it makes me feel guilty. Even if i feel unreasonable. I may not be able to sit down and tell him he needs to learn to respect others - or at least me and mom that his behavior is unexceptable to me... But its freeing in a way to know i dont. That im allowed to be mad at him for it. I didn't mean to rant. Apparently just needed it. Sorry.

[sapphirescales]

i wish tht my dad would just....make his mind up abt whether or not he gives a shit. my dad, who emotionally and verbally abused me since i was four years old. who told me to go wh/ore myself out, who taught me to consistently hate myself, who let me starve for days on end during my undergrad because he’d give me rm100 (which is like 22 dollars) to live on for a month. who throws fits at restaurants when he feels they’re too expensive, yells at waiters and waitresses, etc. who whipped me with the end of a copper wire, who i still have scars on my thighs from, just bc i agitated him. who once got angry at me for breathing. who consistently talks to me abt what a burden i am to him, financially and otherwise, and makes me wish i was never born. 

and then he’ll turn around and??? when my mum had her first proper psychosis episode two years ago, rushed home from uni to take care of her and the household and he legit??? thanked me??? and told me he wouldn’t know what he’d do without me??? when i was working, we’d have conversations like real people, real kids and their parents do? he would talk to me abt my novel writing ( which, he never does bc he doesn’t support it and thinks it’s a stupid waste of my time ) and encouraged me to write? he told me abt his own plans n hopes n dreams and abt his frustrations with work?

for my bday, we went to a really nice steak house, where he must’ve spent hundreds on me even tho i never asked for that (why would i when even spending a few bucks on me for sweets was always The Biggest Burden to him), which had like a live band playing and everything?? and it was really nice and he never once made any noise about how much it cost??? who took us on holiday for the first time in our entire lives last year, and we went to langkawi, and it was??? really nice??? he spent THOUSANDS and never once??? got pissy or upset or anything about it??? i ended up FEELING BAD that he’d spent so much???

and then, i lost my stipend abt two months ago because i switched phd supervisors. i’m living off nothing but my savings rn, and i obvs had to update my parents on my financial situation. and i told my dad tht i would be getting a job, etc (tho, i still havent because its hard to find smt w flexible timings and within travel distance so i’m probs gonna have to move back home in june/july lmao) and he was like don’t worry abt it, if working is taking away from yr phd, just let me know, i can give you money.

i cant remember the last time me and my dad got into an argument, i cant remember the last time he raised his voice at me or even LOOKED at me angrily. today, he randomly messaged me asking if i needed money to eat -- the first time, in my whole ENTIRE LIFE, where he’s done that. where it feels like he’s thought of me, and about me, and is concerned for me.

and like!!! i know tht this seems like Nothing, or it seems like one of those situations where im overinflating a few Nice Things he did and weighing it up against the abuse as though they’re equivalent, but i’m not. and its not that i think that spending money on someone means that you love them, i know it’s not. but my dad is really...money-oriented. money means EVERYTHING to him, and majority of our family issues are rooted in the fact that he doesn’t want to spend money on us, not just w/ regards to Big Things like holidays or whatev. but legit, food we need to survive, or money for clothes. he’s always only ever been willing to spend money on people outside of our nuclear family, but never us. the fact that he’s suddenly flipped with regards to this is, to me, Significant, not because money means so much to me, but because spending money means so much to HIM. like, it feels almost...apologetic from him and i don’t know what to do with it. i can’t forgive him for all the things he did to me, and for how fucked up i am now because of it, and part of me hates him so much??? 

at the same time, there’s a part of me, who isn’t tht little girl who he used to smack around and yell at and make feel so small, who understands??? he never meant to be abusive and he probably doesn’t think he was??? which isn’t to excuse him, ofc, but it means tht now he’s? idk regretting that we arent closer or something like that and trying to make up for it? that, he really did love me and value me all along, and he didn’t think of me as a waste of time and space and resources tht he wished was never born? there’s a part of me who sees tht he’s gotten so much older and wearier and he’s? tired of pretending to be aloof and unaffected? tired of pretending like he DOESN’T want us to care abt him?

and i dont know what to do with that, or how to reconcile those two different understandings. i dont know how to feel or where i should be at. like this isn’t anything new, its been building up over the past two years, i just don’t know??? what to do with it??? he messaged me today asking if i needed money?? like he cares?? why does he have to blur the lines like this at THIS stage in my life? and i dont know what to do or how to feel and i’m just

yea ok this got really long sry