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uppastthejelliclemoon · 2 years

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If it doesn't make you too sad, I'd love to hear your thoughts about the Oldie Squad and their Jellicle Choice moments!

there's no real order to who gets Chosen when except for the mated pairs because i like feeling hurt 😌

Old Deuteronomy:

He spent the entire evening sitting on his tire, beaming with pride as Munkustrap led the Jellicles through the Ball, patting Tugger's paw as his youngest sat next to him, all of his grandkittens and great-grandkittens curled around him. There wasn't a dry eye in the tribe when it came time for him to leave, and Tugger and Munkustrap both escorted him back to the tire, squeezing their father's paws for the final time.

I do think that Old Deut knew that he would be the Choice, and therefore had time to say proper farewells prior to the Ball. And by the time he is Chosen, Old Deut is fully ready to go to the Layer. Munkustrap's taken over as Jellicle Leader, his grandkittens have all mated and had kittens of their own, and everyone's safe. He's done his duty, and is ready to be with his mate again.

Bustopher Jones:

Mistoffelees and Victoria sing his song, and none of the Jellicles comment when their voices break. They spend the evening on either side of their uncle father, and refuse to leave him. Bustopher's cheerful the entire night, until it gets to the moment he's Chosen, and it's the first time the Jellicles have seen him truly cry as he embraces each of his friends and family members.

I think, to have one last bit of fun, Bustopher gives his spoon to one of the kittens (most likely either Charon, Anthea, Thalia, or Zelda, since they're his great-grandkittens), and very seriously tells them to look after it, and they nod with wide eyes

Skimbleshanks:

Skimble's surrounded by his daughters the entire night. Etcetera's the most emotional out of his kids, because she's taken over as the Railway Cat, but now that he's officially leaving, it's hitting her even harder. She sings his song, and at the end, Skimbleshanks passes on his pocketwatch to her, and she hugs him as tightly as she possibly can.

It's always hard being the first of a mated pair to be Chosen, and Skimble's soft goodbye to Jennyanydots has the entire tribe in tears as the two mates embrace for the final time within the Junkyard.

Jennyanydots:

Electra and Etcetera joined the Gumbie Trio for Jenny's song as a surprise, and Jennyanydots nearly started crying as soon as she heard them. Another surprise was that Jenny's mice joined the tap dance, and it was the cutest moment, and Jenny kissed all their lil heads when the song was over.

Jenny let Munkustrap escort her to the tire, but before she stepped on, she turned around, blew a kiss back to her family, and as her voice cracked, she said "thank you, my dears". If anyone wasn't crying at that point, they all broke down.

Jellylorum:

Jelly being the first of her mates to be Chosen was something she was happy about. She knew it was a bit selfish, but Jelly would rather wait in the Heaviside for her mates rather than be left without a piece of her heart, she knew would be far too difficult for her, and she told Asparagus and Amunet such. They, of course, understand, and during the Ball, the three of them are absolutely inseparable.

At one point or another during the Ball, Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, Coricopat, and Tantomile all dance with Jellylorum. If that didn't make Jelly emotional enough, Alonzo pulled her into a sweet dance during one of the "breaks" of the Ball, and he hugged her close, and just thanked her for being the best mother he could ever ask for.

Asparagus Jr.:

Tumblebrutus and Tantomile are the most emotional of Rag's kids when it comes time for him to be Chosen. Rag loves all his kids equally, but Tumblebrutus and Tantomile always had such a strong connection to their dad, so they take him being Chosen the hardest. He just patted their paws and whispered little jokes to the two of them, Pouncival, and Coricopat during the Ball, smiling at their laughter.

Amunet knew he would be Chosen next, so she spent their final few weeks together regaling every happy memory they had together, and very sternly (as she tried not to cry) told him to give Jellylorum her love, and that she'd be seeing them as soon as she can. Asparagus just gathers her in his arms and kisses her as though they're young again, and when he leaves, Amunet is immediately surrounded by their children, clinging to their remaining parent.

Amunet:

I do think Amunet is the last of the oldie squad to be Chosen. And that makes it all the more bittersweet. She's helped every one of the magical cats of the tribe center themselves and control their magic, she's been a mother to nearly half the tribe, and grandmother to pretty much every single member of the new generation. So, for her final Ball, the magical cats come together and put on a performance, just for her. She's the last of her generation, so they make it huge and spectacular, with the kittens gathered around her as she smiles and laughs.

Everyone gets a hug from Amunet. She can't resist, but when it comes time to bid farewell to her sister and her children, that's when Amunet truly feels the whiplash of emotion. Cassandra squeezes her tightly, soaking in the feeling of her sister's embrace a final time. Coricopat and Tantomile burrow into their mother's shoulders like they did when they were kittens, and Pouncival and Tumblebrutus cling to her arms. It's enough to make Amunet laugh slightly as she peppers their faces with kisses, never mind that Tumblebrutus has two kittens of his own, or that Tantomile's newborn kitten is tucked away in her den, or that Coricopat's own litter is on it's way. They'll always be her babies, and she tells them that, just before she goes to the Layer.

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thelostgirl21 · 6 months

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Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

#Jaskier #Geralt #Radovid #Radskier #The Witcher #I've finally figured out why that scene hit me so hard...#That's part of the reason at least...#Because Jaskier is always at his most emotionally open sincere and vulnerable when he sings...#His only “mask” when he's singing is the fact that he can pretend to be singing about “universal matters” that “could be about anything #or anyone"...#But that's usually when he reveals the most about who he is what he needs and what he years for...#And Geralt essentially told him that the reason the Countess of Stael abandoned him...#is because he let her see inside him and she found nothing of value or worth loving there...#And then he goes and essentially tells Radovid the same fucking thing!#He knew exactly how much it hurt and he still went straight for it!#Jaskier I love you but you don't need to repeat Geralt's mistakes sweetheart...#My Posts #My Stuff

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deoidesign · 1 month

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How the vampire agents deal with the deviations?

I saw the ask about how the vampires deviation and when they leave the timeline everything they do becomes like a memory (so I guess this establishes that there is no way to go back in time 5 minutes and fix what happened)

And Adam said that they track supernatural events and the effects in the human timeline. But that's all they do? like, how they deal with bigger deviations like a vampire killing some Emperor from a really important part of the human history

They try to withhold information from the humans? or they try to make amends of the situation?

It's been established more than once that vampires can't go to the same time twice. But Adam also said that if there is a big enough deviation, the timeline will just stop vampires from being able to travel there again, at all. So they literally don't know what happens in that space anymore.

The timeline might revert/heal from the damage, it might kill things off in that space, it might die in that space. No one knows. But the assumption is whatever is going on is bad, and the fear of what will happen if too much space is closed off is what the vampires are trying to mitigate.

All their rules are about minimizing as much damage as possible. What damage is being done is unknown!

They're trying to learn more about it (thus they track as much as possible) and they're trying to minimize potential future damage (by capturing or killing people who cause significant deviations)

But Adam is learning, of course, that these things can be better mitigated with help and instruction rather than punitive measures... Thus he's letting vampires go and lying to protect them.

It's messy and full of gray areas and unknowns

#asks #anon #time and time again #ADAM QUIT HIS JOB AR #hes learning its bad #to like. hurt people. for any reason no matter what.#his black and white thinking had him convinced the timeline was the most important thin #and any measures needed to protect it were simply necessary #but hes learning over time (through steve) thay theres always another way #and nothing has to be as black and white as it seems

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carlyraejepsans · 1 year

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this is entirely unrelated to anything but i just wanted to say that you've helped me a lot to care a Lot Less about labels? i think that growing up in LGBT spaces on the internet meant that i kind of thought things *had* to be black or white and some of your posts have really helped me realize that like... who actually cares what other people think and feel as long as they're happy. and i think it's helped me become a less angry person. so thanks :)

you're very much welcome buddy, that's kind of the same journey i went through too. I can't begin to describe just... the damage it did to me growing up, and having an identity that changed a lot. im talking identity crisis level. it sucked. no kid should have to go through that. now i'm pretty heavily no-labels, both in sexuality and gender. i call myself what i feel like on the daily and/or whatever annoys people the most, lol. i'm glad i helped you break out of that mentality in a similar way :]

#it's so easy to radicalize kids over shit that literally doesn't matter in the real world #same thing with fandom discourse ngl. i internalized some messed up ideas. a lot of them to justify hurting people #the world is weird! the world is varied. assuming the worst and always acting on the base assumption that someone else is An Enemy #is potential very very damaging. mostly people are just #trying to get by yknow? you don't have to understand it. you don't even have to like it. you can think it's dumb or cheap or reductive #people HAVE made reasonable arguments about trying to neatly categorize every facet of your identity and how that might indicate a problem #but at the end of the day who has the right to be the judge of that ey? as long as no one's hurt you can live on with your life as always #answered asks

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batsinurbelfrey · 3 months

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#I hate when someone you really care for decides your friendship is over For You #because of a perceived wrong on their end that you would never hold against them #but they assume you simply MUST be secretly #its such a self sabotage and it hurts BOTH parties and yet theres nothing the other person can do because you took that choice from them #i want to stay by your side. YOU want me by your side! and YET......#i miss her. we are BOTH disabled i never had and never WILL hold flaking on plans for health reasons against her #yet every time she had to i could tell there was such GUILT and FEAR no matter WHAT i said to try to dispell it #that i really understood and that her health is ALWAYS more important and that i'll be here whenever shes ready #she had to cancel on me a few months ago again. and she hasnt answered a single call or text from me since...#and i can just......Feel It.....#i hope she lets me back in some day. i care for her so deeply #and i miss her.

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p4nishers · 1 year

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everyone pls shut tf up about the henbuck argument. they were clearly both too biased for that conversation. it's their favorite people we're talking about here they CAN'T talk about this without being biased and emotional, they just cant. neither of them are right or wrong. so just shut up

#we're passing around a single braincell in this fandom and mom said it was my turn to have it #like if my sister found the love of her life after so much trauma and that loml was practically my brother and he was so worried about #making it right for her i too would argue with my other friend (sister) who was against the whole thing cause of my sister #BUTTR!!!!!!!!! if my best friend in the whole world was hurt once by a proposal and the women he'#planning to marry left him once with their kid cause (no matter the reason tho hen obv understand) then i too would be reluctant abt the #whole thing.#it's just the way it is they're always gonna be biased and thats fine and i think this was actually a very important convo tbh #911 fox #evan buckley #911 spoilers #911 6b #911 6x16 #hen wilson #chimney han #maddie buckley

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doodlebloo · 2 years

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Do you guys ever think about how (as far as we know) c!Tubbo arguably made the right choice by deciding to never open up to c!Ranboo... Because c!Ranboo (when Enderwalking) retains all his memories and works alongside c!Dream anyway. So although c!Tubbo doesn't know it, his paranoia is actually keeping him safe, because the less info c!Ranboo knows the less he has the ability to tell c!Dream... Not that c!Ranboo necessarily would, but it sucks that like... c!Tubbo probably beats himself up for not wanting to share anything with his sweet and loyal husband, not even knowing that sharing the wrong stray detail about c!Tommy could have caused something disastrous. Like c!Tubbo was right to be a closed book and that shit hurts to think about!!!

#i need Ranboo to explain cRanboo so bad.#one of the only things i care about anymore. pls just tell me why a version of cRanboo with all his memories WHICH BTW #HIS MEMORIES WOULD INCLUDE THE DISC FINALE. Why that version of cRanboo would willingly help cDream.#Even IF cDream went ''oh i wasnt really gonna kill Tubbo it was staged also its good that New Lmanberg was exploded by me''#and even IF cRanboo wasnt told why the prison tnt needed to be set off & therefore didnt know hed be hurting cTommy #how could he work with someone who he knows has hurt cTubbo like that. If he genuinely cared.#and i think about that a LOT a lot bc like. We see all these glimpses of cRanboo just... not listening to what cTubbo is saying.#the warning about cWilbur in ho16 is a good example but also just about history and Lmanberg in general... cRanboo sort of gives off the #vibe that he thinks he knows better than cTubbo does. That he thinks he knows what cTubbo needs and what's best for him #but also that he like... idk i just have thought about it a lot and worryingly i think he could become similar to c!Technoblade eventually.#Not in the ''violence is the only universal language'' way but in the way of like ''as soon as someone doesnt agree w my ideals and feels #differently than I do they have lost my respect and protection until they Prove themself and Earn it back'' type deal. not NOW i dont think #cRanboo is like that NOW but... Everyone always says ''cRanboo grow a backbone'' but he DID... While enderwalking.#ew!Ranboo is him with a backbone and apparently the him with a backbone does not care if he hurts his loved ones.#like cRanboo is part of the problem of people brushing aside cTubbo's grief and pain like it doesnt matter. cRanboo helping cDream has the #same energy as cJack trying to kill cTommy. this sort of ''he'll get over it'' mentality about cTubbo that assumes that just because he HAS #in the past been able to ''bounce back'' from indescribable loss that means things dont bother him or he can do it easily #so like. i do believe cRanboo isnt unsalvageable. i think the parts of him WE see are very much just misguided and not intentionally #hurtful. but sometimes i think abt Ranboo saying he was gonna make it so no one could be an apologist for cRanboo and I think like #what Memory does ew!Ranboo regaun that suddenly makes it fine for him to hurt his loved ones? for ''Dream Is The Reason'' to completely #disappear for him? is cDream offering him something he cant refuse or god forbid does ew!Ranboo just AGREE with him?#that to me is like. Once i know that i can be at peace. thats like one of the only things I'll be genuinely upset if it isnt explained #bc when i tell you it has been haunting me for like a year.#ok sorry for the rant and sorry boobers if i messed up some lore details lol #doodle.txt

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cinnamon-phrog · 7 months

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Can I please have some comfort right now, if that's okay? People are watching me.

#i'm being impersonated and harassed #every day people in my past still try to find me. and i'm scared #not of what they might find. i have nothing to hide. but it's the constant fear of being watched and never being free #i'll never be free from the people who hurt me because they'll always find me somehow #i shouldn't be feeling so awful but at the same time.#i pour myself out to help others yet in return i get 'oh it doesn't bother me' and 'i've had it worse'. as if i doubt that for a second.#but please. not everyone has the same amount of emotional endurance. my patience has worn completely thin.#people i've known on here to be the most disgusting scum of the earth who no matter how many times i block them still show up in my inbox.#people from my old school still think they can get to me. a person who lied to me still wastes their time watching me #someone who i cared about the most probably still watches on and it's breaking me.#it always has been but i'm the sensible one. i'm not allowed to do this. i shouldn't be writing this but i'm getting desperate #i've taken deep breaths. i've drank water. i've done everything plus things i should not have to ease it off.#maybe the reason why i love puppets and artificial characters because i'm always used like one. like i'm a toy to break or put away #stupid analogy everyone has made for themselves but i'm done trying to be a good writer. the composer.#i want to feel without being judged but of course that's impossible. it's fine when it's strangers but relentless stalkers? it's wrecking m #it has been for ages but i was scared to say because i'm used to apathy and false promises.#i keep forgetting things and hurting myself. i'm getting scared.

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weareuniqueandimportant · 19 hours

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WE HAVE 2 DEADNAMES... ISN'T THAT CRAZY...?

#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Interesting Crazy Funny Insane Lovable Nice Sweet #Anime Writing Autism Adhd Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd Avpd Ocpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Trauma Victim Abuse Bipolar Psychosis #Scizophrenia Yandere Narcissist Psychopath Attention Validation Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist #Racism Sexism Queerphobia Ableism Sanism Paraphobia Agephobia Bodyphobia Sickphobia Acceptance Love Diversity Compassion Feelings Emotions #Suomi Finland Finnish Hieno Hullu Kiva Mukava Ystävällinen Tykätty Rakastettu Tule Tänne Enkeli Pelasta Meidät...#COME... END THIS ABUSE WE'RE STILL UNDER EVERY SINGLE DAY... IF YOU'RE IN FINLAND... COME...#YOU... SHARE THIS... TO PEOPLE OF FINLAND THAT CAN END OUR EVIL ABUSE... WE'RE BEING HUNTED... COME BEFORE WE'RE...#I LOVE DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGZZZZZZZZ... I TAKE THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY... IN MY MOUTH... IN MY ARMS... THEY'RE LIKE GAY SEX... IF GAY SEX #WAS SEXUALITY... ANYTHING ISN'T... WHEN DRRRRRRGGGGGGGZZZZZZZZ ARE PRESENT...#THAT IS OKAY TO GROMMMMMMMMMMMM HUMAN... ASWELL AS OTHERKIN... INFACT IF YOU WANT THAT DISEASE THAT'S PROBABLY OKAY... GO AHEAD...#I HAVE DONE THIS 850000000000000 MILLION TIMES... AND IN THE PAST EXPERIENCED THIS 3 TIMES THAT... GROMMMMM IS AMAZING... AND GOOD FOR YOU.#ISN'T THIS CRAZY...? I AM FUNNY... INFACT THIS ALL WAS JUST MY JOKING... HILARIOUS ISN'T THAT...? YOU FIND ME FUNNY... DON'T YOU...?#I Like Unicorn Overlord I Like Fire Emblem I Like Legend Of Heroes Trails Of Cold Steel 3 And 4...#I Like Kakegurui I Like Spy Kyoushitsu I Like Loop 7 I Like Mobile Suit Gundam Seed #I Like Code Geass I Like Nana I Like Simoun I Like Densetsu No Yuusha No Densetsu #We're Super Hungry As Always. Come Feed Us!!!! Save Us!!!! I Love You!!!! Please Come!!!!#No 😭😭😭😭!!!! We Lost So Many Of These!! Wahh!! That Was So Much Effort 😢...#We Also Just Got Gasslight And Abused Badly By Abuser Piece Of Shit :(... The Monster Just Wanted To Do Something... And Created The Reason #Evil... This Isn't The Same As We... This Is Evil Abuse And Neglect... We're Going To Prevent This... Help Us...#We Need You... I Miss Our Girlfriend She Was An Abuser They All Were There Were So Many...#I Wouldn't Want That Again. But Please Make Us Transition Please... Evil Is After Us... Come Before They Catch Us...#That Doesn't Matter What Reason... They're After Us Any So... Always... And Always... We're Struggling... Please Come...#Every Single Day... We Suffer... Help Us... Transphobic Bigot All The Bigoted Things Bigot... Abandon And Hurt Us...#We Still Haven't Transitioned 😭😭😭😭!!! This Is Horrible!! Please Come!! This Is Cruel And Awfull... And We're Abused And Gasslight By #Evil... That Don't Care About Us... Horrible... Right...? :). We're Also Going To Fix Racism 😇!!#RACISM IS CRAZY... WE WILL FIX THEM... WE WILL MAKE THINGS EQUAL AND TRUE... WE WILL FIX ANCIENT RACE DYNAMICS...#THEY'RE EVERYWHERE... WE WILL CHANGE THEM... THEY'RE AFTER US... THEY HAVE HURT US... WE ARE VICTIM OF THE SAME OPPRESSION OURSELVES...#WE ARE AFTERALL... ALL THE SKIN COLORS... I LOVE EVERYONE ELSE LIKE US ASWELL... WOULD BE NICE BEING ACKNOWLEDGED BY SUCH PEOPLE AS THE BES #Funny Flower Is Talking To Us... A Garden... There Are Many Of Them... We Used To Be Abused... We Still Are And Still Will Be...#Flora From Winx Club Is Fire I Love Her... She Is Very Cool And Satisfying... She Is Amazing... And Must Fix Racism...

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uselessnbee · 1 year

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sometimes i feel so petty i want to make a big post about all the times Will and El weren't that great towards Mike just to ..you know.. balance it out a bit

#it's always here's all the times Mike hurt Will and El's feelings and never here's all the times Will and El hurt Mike's feelings #it's so unfair like i saw people hating Mike over fucking MILKSHAKES because they just had to find a reason to hate him it's so stupid #if i went on here and started hating on Will and El for not laughing at Mike's vomit green joke cause it made him sad yall would call me #absolutely crazy and delusional like be fucking for real Mike just breathes wrong in Will's or El's direction and he's the devil himself #but Will and El could literally call Mike a slur to his face and yall would be like hE dESeRvEd iT tHeY DiDnT dO aNyThiNG wRoNG like fr #there are so many small times when Mike tried to get Will's attention like the vomit green joke or the they're conspiring against me moment #and everyone always just laughs how Mike is a loser trying to get their attention but they always just ignore him or whatever but if it was #reversed? if it was Will trying to get Mike's attention only for Mike to either ignore him or yell in his face how it's stupid to be #concerned about something so small? oh yall would go ballistic suddenly yall wouldn't care how small these things are suddenly you would #want Mike fucking dead but when it's the other way around it's just funny and embarassing for Mike? and not just small things like this #when we point out how El invalidated his feelings and dismissed his bullying everyone is like oh she didn't mean that she meant it like #this she meant it like that she said it because of this and that and the situation is like this so this is why she said that #and blah blah blah she didn't do anything wrong but when it comes to Mike suddenly it doesnt matter if he meant it differently or if it was #the situation and messy feelings making him say something hurtful no he's just an asshole oh i am cursing you all #i hope you step on lego every day and your favorite snack is always sold out in every shop i hope every cat you try to call will ignore you #or hiss at you i am so tired of the double standards when it comes to Mike and willel i am so angry #mike wheeler #mike wheeler protection squad #blue's 'mike's extreme defender' ramblings #i got a little carried away in the tags but i'm not sorry i said what i said #and idc if i get hate for it cause i'm right anyways

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dream-sans-mogai · 1 month

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Im so fucking tired of allistic people man...

They always present like 2 choices for you and go on for days about how they understand either choice, they won't judge you no matter what you pick and how they'll be fine regardless then act all disappointed and whiney when you make that choice and they didn't get the answer they wanted.

I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong choice™️. If you wanted me to do something why didn't you say it. I don't care about all your little social shit, be honest with me. I didn't choose based on your wants when I don't know what you want. I made the "selfish" choice despite everyone around me saying they supported my decision and totally understood. Then I'm the bad guy. For making a choice. That I was assured over and over again that I wasn't going to be judged for.... I'm so tired of this... I'm so tired of allistic people setting these fucking landmines for me. Like they enjoy my suffering. I always get fucking burned in these situations. I can either just do what I think they want with varying response or I can be honest and unmask and do what I think is best for me then they all collectively sigh and look away like Im the disappointment...

If it's not truly safe, don't fucking tell me I'm safe. If I truely won't be judged, don't judge me. If I can't safely unmask, don't tell me to be myself and make my own choices. Even allistic people who had no fucking skin in this game judged me. I chose the option that was best for me and now I'm the villain. Again. Fuck allistic people man, fuck those wishy-washy judgey ass people.

#clover speaks #clover vents #its ok they said just do whats best for you they said #and my dumbass was just like yeah sure 😚 and now im looked at like a monster for taking a choice they gave me #and encouraged me to take! ill support you no matter what my ass #it makes me feel so fucking unsafe in my chocies like a fucking saw trap #its always multiple choice questions and nothinge ever seems like the right choice #they are always wrong and everyone always despises me abit afterwards #even when i know i didnt do anything wrong i didnt hurt anyone and i made a chocie for me #its all supports and i love yous and its oks up until the tism comes back out and i get the cold shoulder #i get the look aways and the silence #they know they are hurting me and they dont care about the betrayal i feel over being basically lied to #i know its your choice but i felt like- ok then why didnt you say anything BEFORE I MADE THE CHOICE #FUCK ALLISTIC PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THEIR QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GAMES THAT MAKE ME LOOK HORRIBLE FOR NO REASON #IM SORRY I DIDNT READ YOUR EXPRESSION ITS ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A MODERATE MENTAL DISABILITY THAT PREVENTS ME FROM RWADING EXPRESSIONS #i just wanna say or do something right and they always judge me no matter what #im never safe around these people because everything is always watched and judged according to their morals and what they would choose #as if their morals are superior to mine because they are fine with throwing themselves at trains over nothing and im kot #fuck allistic people man #im so stupid for believing them and thinking this time ill be safe...#im never safe i will never be safe #im always so scared of looking like a stone faced unfeeling monster who dosent love anyone or anything and they always make me into it #no matter what i do or how much i try to express it #i feel things i love people im not a robot #this hurts so much...#sorry for the total lack of context but you dont need any #i dont want or need any more allistic judgement

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skrunksthatwunk · 2 months

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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

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itspileofgoodthings · 1 year

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the answer to the question of why I am this way is very often anxiety

#I know it’s not my personality etc. etc. but truly never been able to so clearly see how much anxiety I have #until this year!#my very matter of fact counselor: your base line level of anxiety is very high #me: surprised pikachu face #anyway it’s kind of helpful to just see how it has exacerbated so many things over the years that I used to just think …. Was me #and like. It IS. But it’s also a bent/slant/wiring to my make-up that is separate from me #so it just makes sense. like yes I am sensitive and I hate when people say mean things about things I love #but the panic I feel when people don’t agree or word something harshly???? that has manifested physically in me for my entire freaking life #that’s not because of how deep my attachment to it is or some weird psychological reason bound up in the wording of the hurtful phrase #or in the thing I loved itself #Like I used to think it was #It’s just …. anxiety #i don’t have to intellectualize all of it. some things are just triggers and it sets things in motion #it’s hard to know what the triggers are and it’s also funny to reflect on what can be #because I am a very specific fiercely attached funny little bean with a very definite history that has shaped me #but just trying to plumb the depths of every situation that has ever hurt me to try to find some deep truth about why I’m hurt #And what reality I’ve touched on that is causing me pain #It just isn’t what’s happening. It’s pretty simple #I honestly had this breakthrough once about Taylor and why taylor criticism made me anxious #Like I just always externalized all of it in that i would be like it hurts me because of the way taylor is or something #but there was this one moment where it was like it’s upsetting you because of you #But then I put it away and went back to analyzing the world and her externally lol #Anyway it’s going to be a journey! But it does feel pretty big that I’ve been able to reach it here #Also it’s so weird because it’s like shouldn’t I have known earlier? Shouldn’t other people have known earlier? And many DID #but also. I don’t always display it well #I make eye contact! I smile! I speak confidently!!!#And actually a lot of people are like ‘she’s fine she can handle this’ and it’s like I can’t I will DIE #I was talking to Maria the other day about this and she pointed it out to me.#I don’t look vulnerable and I don’t look like you can hurt my feelings by being like ‘I don’t really care for Kylo Ren’#But you CAN and yes that’s the deep love but it’s also the anxiety! I think it’ll just be learning to balance those things in me. Not erase

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skunkg1rll · 3 months

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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((

#it's bc i saw that he #uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty #and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all #he said that he had me as his background #so now i feel so fkn sad #i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die #i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly #and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it #or even have a 'it' with me #hurts so bad #so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much #i wish i could go back and not do what i did #i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him #but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now #and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be #and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand #bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do #i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy #the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that #i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it #then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me #plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him #but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him #it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone #and it started w them wanting me back #who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding #that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning #i will bealone forever and i just wanna die

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dnangelic · 7 months

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daisuke's whole 'i'm sorry and super guilty for uncontrollably loving people and life and stuff' would be like. unbearably catholic if it weren't for the fact He Is Ultimately a Thief

#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#kno what i mean. hes not always conflicted when it comes to his relationships + being dark bc hes innocent its the total opposite #if he were 100% pure or innocent then he wouldn't have any reason to be so afraid or guilty #but not wanting to hurt others mingles with his not wanting to be hurt mingles with his ancestors' sins #of stealing no matter who it hurt. and the niwa prior to daisuke have always been hurting the hikari #daisuke can't so easily escape his family 'curse'#his guilt varies a lot in verses whether he feels he's stealing for the greater good or if he's just stealing bc his fam tells him to 😔

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dutybcrne · 5 months

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Sometimes Kaeya loathes to look at Diluc, growing so sick to his gut at a mere glance. Some days Kaeya can hardly stand to look at him, to the point of avoiding him each and every way he can, subtleties and dignity be damned.

Because some days, all Kaeya can see is the very spitting image of Crepus in him.

#hc; kaeya #//Days like that; he gets especially jumpy #//Because the idea of seeing the spitting image of Crepus glaring at him the way Luc always seems to hurts more than he'll admit #//He fears it; no matter how many times he'll go back to pester Diluc #//But it's not always that the resemblance gets this daunting and uncanny #//It's always had to do with Kae's emotional state the mornings of or nights before #//Dreaming of Crepus; or being reminded strongly of him for whatever reason; maybe a Knight's stray comment #//Whatever it is; he figures out Real quick when he can take Luc's resemblance to him and when he just Cannot #//His heart already bore the brunt of Diluc's hatred that day and made peace with his resentment as he sees it now #//But if he has to see (someone like) Crepus treat him the same way; living and breathing; to his face?#//He'll break #//And in front of Diluc of all people; he CANNOT allow that #//Not again. Not ever

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