#no we need the goddamn crocs

[hey-august]

August I need an opinion:

Which version of Crossguild poly x Reader insert is better?

Reader who’s associated with Buggy and gets dommed by Crochawk with him together and / or sometimes is used by all three of them to let of steam (Buggy being low on the pecking order because yes I love the idea of him needing to wait his turn or till Croc or Hawk say yes)

OR

Reader who has been associated with Crocodile and Hawk before this entire thing started, is immensely more powerful than Buggy and at least on par with the other two and is the sweet dom to crocodiles mean Dom and Mihawks strict Dom to Buggy?

What’s the best way for the clown to get dommed? Getting fucked silly alongside someone he loves by two dangerous men OR by three people way more powerful than him that all have their unique appeal?

Buggy don’t gets to Dom because I am in a whining, trembling clown mood

IN THIS ESSAY I WILL-

Anon. ANON. I made the mistake of reading this during a work break and it was ALL I could think of for the rest of the day.

Personally, I adoooore Buggy and Reader being the toys of the Cross Guild polycule. There's a bond between you and Buggy - something that can only be conveyed through half-lidded eyes and gaping drooling mouths while you two are being plowed into oblivion.

Sharing sloppy wet kisses while the other two chase their pleasure.

Maybe sometimes Crocodile won't grab one of you by the throat, or Mihawk won't yank your hair and pull you away from each other. It's rare, but they'll let you ride your one orgasm while squeezing Buggy's own shaking hand. Sure they'll tease you for it, but you deserve a treat after being so good.

And the times when Buggy gets to use his energy and status - well fuck. We can also flip that around. You and Buggy are Crocodile's and Mihawk's playthings after all. If they want you to dom Buggy, well you're going to have to make it happen and have the clown put on a pretty show for them.

BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIFT YOU BROUGHT. 😤🥴

Buggy being passed from dom to dom. From lap to lap. Bed to bed. He follows each powerful leader, wringing his hands and wondering what delicious punishment or mind-numbing reward he's earned that day.

You are so soft and sweet with him. At least compared to the other two pirates. You fill Buggy's head with honeyed praise and goddamn he would do anything to keep receiving such delicacies from you. To drown in your attention, no matter what you ask for or how you need him. Buggy is the dopiest, most compliant fuck when he's with you.

As for Crocodile, it's like stress relief for the both of them, honestly. A moment for them to turn off their brains and let animal instinct take over. To give into the feeling of fuck and get fucked. And with Mihawk, it's a game. A gamble. How well can the clown perform? How well can he listen? Can he actually do as he's told? At the end, they're both sore winners.

When you put everyone together… Oof. Well. It's a lot. See, Buggy wants to please. He wants to do a good job. He wants to show that he's very good at taking what each of you will give. No matter how rough Crocodile is, how brutal his pace becomes, or how hard those giant hands dig into Buggy's body, your voice is in his ear.

Hearing you coo about how fucking beautiful he looks getting wrecked makes every ache feel like a trophy. Listening to you tell Mihawk how Buggy deserves a reward for following every rule is almost as good as the reward itself. Almost, but there's not much better than the taste of heaven between your legs.

Imagine this with me - A weary, sweaty Buggy switching between riding Crocodile and Mihawk. Easing himself down on each cock, one after the other. His groan is a mix of pleasure and exhaustion. He's been going so long and they slide in effortlessly, but fuck if Buggy still isn't being stretched to capacity. They're just so big.

And there you are, encouraging him with kisses on his neck and shoulder. Coaxing his hand to keep stroking a cock that's waiting it's next turn. Meanwhile, you're guiding Buggy's hips. Keeping him going.

He can make them come, right? He wants to make Crocodile and Mihawk feel good, right? That's it, keep going. Shh, shh, it's okay. You're doing so good. C'mon, take it all the way.

Buggy can hardly hold in the sinful sounds he makes when you all but slam his body down on whoever he's on top of. He's your lovely marionette clown and everyone's enjoying the show.

[pup-pee]

*presents u my dick grayson hcs like ur @ my garage sale* (dick hcs #1?)

♡ this

♡ hes a passenger princess(no this is cannon whoopsie)

♡ dick is like the first girl 2 b killed in a slaughter movie, but just as a 27-ish yr old adult man

♡ draws on a beauty mark in a different spot everytime & gaslights any1 who asks about it -"hey wasnt ur beauty mark under ur other eye?" -"idk i cant see my own face"

♡ hes always losing his hairties bc he keeps shooting them @ ppl -& rubberbands 4 that matter

♡ we dont talk about the skin grip example -it involves a lot of falling & a lot of crashing -if ykyk

♡ dick usually has a twix in his pocket, but in order 2 get it u have 2 guess if its a left or right twix -he also respectfully keeps the left twin in his left pocket & the right twix in the right pocket

♡ he never believed in santa claus but is terrified that watermelon will grow inside him if he swallows the seeds

♡ not rlly a hc but hes vry mcdonals girl toy coded

♡ says "fuck it we ball" b4 jumping in2 a drug ring

♡ the hardest hes laughed in a while was @ a bucket falling over

♡ "masculine but in a peacock way" quotes,,,,,

♡ makes hot chocolate in a pot -refuses 2 make it in a mug it HAS 2 b done on the stove or its not the same

♡ knows how to do his make-up but doesnt know the name of the product he uses -foundation? no thats just my face paint

♡ if u ask him 2 draw, hell say "i cant even draw a straight line!"

♡ dick; *pulls out sticker sheet* *puts mlp sticker some1s face*

♡ swallowed grapes/blue berries whole as a kid bc he didnt know better -didnt chew them*

♡ dicks fav turtle is leo

♡ fixates on tinkering w/his bits & bots

♡ wears crocs -"y do u wear crocs?" -dick; kicks in their direction so the croc hits theyre face

♡ eyeballs measurements(like cooking) -until it comes 2 clothes, then its ultra mega super duper whopper popper deluxe edition focus

♡ h8s grippy socks -the textures weird + attracts halys hair(as if all socks wouldnt but-) -prolly h8s socks in gen

♡ had 2 have snorted pixie stick as a kid -i am such a believer that every kid has done this so he will 2 -as a dare @ LEAST

♡ when hes angry he plops 1 of those sweet cough drops in his mouth 2 chew on just so that he doesnt go off -any hard candy works 2 -he needs 1 of those chewie chewables

♡ biting/chewing hcs bc it needs a separate category @ this point -keeps chewing on earbuds -h8s biting his nails actually -no pen or pencil or eraser is safe -loves biting but h8s when his food is 2 chewy/has 2 bite harder than usual -has more than 1nce caught himself about 2 chew on electrical wire -bites ppl he loves 2 show appreciation/love nom -(i will defend this goddamn hc till the day i die)

♡ pizza bagels -if ur confused, come see me after class

♡ titans have basically banned horror movies from movie nights bc dick would complain about the gore/physics/traps/mo/literally anything 'inaccurate' -"dick its just a movie" "U DONT UNDERSTAND."

♡ has the most social media followers out of batfam but only posts 1nce a month(sometimes not) -its just a picture of his half eaten cereal captioned "beautiful day today"

♡ titians walked in on him doing a backbend & thought some1 murdered him(not 4 vry long though cause oviously he was alive i just like the thought of some1 like roy when he 1st joined the team walking in & doing the most dramatic gasp ever)

♡ listen, i like contortionist dick -its fun & silly

♡ takes 'cringe' as a compliment

♡ "ur mature 4 ur age!" dick; "let me fix that real quick"

♡ hair grows vry quickly

♡ h8s functioning labels(i mean we all should but yk)

♡ skilled in bingo

♡ over buys treats 4 haly -& toys

♡ insane internal clock -kinda ties in; tells ppl specific times -"meet me @ 2;37 pm" as an example

♡ comic sans enjoyer(literally stole from ttg but shhhhhh)

♡ more invested in presidential gay love affairs than WW1 or 2

♡ hes about yay high

♡ hyperfixates on languages istg

i literally could go on 4ever bc my brain is that highway in germany but i wont i regret nothing

pt 2 <- if i make 1 lol

[mamirhodessxox]

More unpublished prompts

🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤

Dead Witches Wish

*Evara and cody talking to a historian about her house* “Ah yes in the late 1920’s this house was owned by a satanic cult that was known for summoning..things.” “Things? What fucking things? CODY WHAT THINGS IS THE GODDAMN HISTORIAN TALKING ABOUT” “ASSUMING SATANIC THINGS GIVEN THE FACT THEY’RE A SATANIC FUCKING CULT EVE.”-Evara & Cody

“No yeah I’ll be sure to roleplay as fucking ghostbusters the next time I see some long black haired bitch crawl up my basement stares thanks for the suggestion.” “Yeah no problem!”-Renna & Seth

“Hey guy’s correct me if i’m wrong but is someones overly aged grandpa is standing in the corner over there mumbling reversed latin?” “Here’s a little suggestion! How about we fucking leave.”-Seth & Cody

“I hate you all for dragging me up here I was having the time of my damn life in miami.” “yeah well mami needed some help, so.” “Bet.”-Jey & Rhea

“Aren’t you just adorable.” “Guys I think rhea made me a lesbian what do i do?!” “RHEA stop making my girlfriend gay! I CALLED DIBS 2 FUCKING MONTHS AGO.”-Rhea, Evara & Cody

“Ok yeah very cool women in a ugly christmas sweater lets g-“ “NOT FUCKING COOL SHE JUST BIT ME AND STOOD UPSIDE DOWN ON THE CEILING WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TOWN.”-Cody & Seth

“RANDY STOP LISTENING TO FUCKING MOTLEY CRUE WE’RE KIND OF FUCKED RIGHT NOW.” “NO JUST TRUST ME ON THIS, POWER OF ROCK DUDE!” “THE POWER OF ROCK GOT ME FUCKING BODY SLAMMED BY ZOZO THE FUCKING DEMON”-Renna & Randy

“Guys I would like to formerly apologize for making us play as the mystery gang from scooby doo by dragging us to an overly haunted and conveniently abandoned mental asylum.” “Fuck you.” “Love you too.”-Evara & Renna

“Soo, you wanna smash or what?” “are you actually asking me this right now during a possible sacrifice” “oh my god I can’t help it! This is the most boring fucking sacrifice i’ve attended.”-Seth & Becky

“Hey Eve how are y-“ “walk away.” “Yup.”-Dom & Cody

“Guys my toes are cold” “Well who’s fault is that Seth your the one who wanted to walk around a fucking forest after a snow storm in crocs.”-Seth & Renna

*Eve walking into a kitchen seeing a dead girl standing there* “Oh, ‘sup.” “You can see me?” “Well I mean, yeah, your either a ghost or I could be schizophrenic having a hallucination right now.” “Oh.” “Yeah.”-Evara & Dead chick

“I hope you know pressing a cross against my forehead isn’t doing anything. I’m literally wearing one right now.” “THEN GARLIC!” “I JUST FUCKING ATE GARLIC BREAD”-Cody & Renna

“Can you stop chanting bible verses to me I’m not possessed.” “After you threw a fucking knife at me? You need jesus” “YOUR LITERALLY A FUCKING VAMPIRE”-Evara & Cody

“Whoever is blasting doja cat across the house turn it off it’s fucking annoying.” “DOJA CAT IS A FUCKING PROPHECY SHUT UP”-Cody & Renna

“Who did it. Who broke my fucking stove.” “I got too excited when I cracked an egg I’m sorry, actuallg no I’m not. Fuck you and your stove bitch.”-Cody & Seth

“Do it. Do the thing.” “What fucking thing.” “Turn into a bat dipshit.” “THATS A MYTH GODDAMNIT.”-Randy & Cody

“You guys need to keep my sister out of this demon shit.” “Funny how you say demon shit when our roommate just engraved a goddamn pentagram on the ceiling.”-Cody & Emilia

“Hey just wanna let you know my brother thinks your hot.” “Oh..? Interesting” “NO I MEANT LIKE- LIKE TEMPERATURE WISE Y’KNOW LIKE- FUCK YOU EMILIA.”-Emilia, Evara & Cody

🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤

🏷️ list: @alyyaanna @ginswife @coolpastelartshoe @greatkoalawizard @cokolin044 @kotoriarlert @alicerosejensen @bunnybot55 @agent-dessis-posts @adollonyourshelf @mini-rhodes @southerngirl41 @harmshake @femdisa @kabloswrld @claymoresofinfamy23 @jeysbvck

[gaykarstaagforever]

New Mutants #42 from 1986 is 20+ pages, and there is HALF of one action scene, right at the beginning. And it's Sam Guthrie having a daydream on a bus, because he's worried that his mother won't like his cool rock'n'roll-singing English mutant girlfriend.

You're CANNONBALL. You can FLY. That is the ONLY THING you do. And you're on a BUS to Kentucky, because "WAAAAH! PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO MUTANTS!"

God I hate this thing that Marvel did, and...continues to do, all the time. People with fantastic abilities, moping because Kevin Fatass down the street in his stinky baseball cap and Crocs is racist about their magical powers.

Why do you care? Why would ANYONE care?? Magneto is right! Shoot them all with lasers and conquer the world!

"IT'S A RACISM METAPHOR!"

Yes, a racism metaphor that erases nearly all people of color and replaces them with tall sexy white people who can throw fireballs. Written exclusively by old white people, who don't know what a racism even is, because their attempts to write comics about it are themselves very racist.

If it's a racism metaphor, it is a terrible one, done badly.

What it seems more like is a metaphor for self-loathing nerds who are perpetually upset that sexy women don't take them seriously because they make comics for a living, because they don't appreciate how cool that is, ACTUALLY.

Any superhero who is upset because boring average nobodies who are clearly bigoted idiots don't like them is an automatic fail for me. I don't sympathize, because why would anyone? This isn't them being oppressed by a powerful system of patriarchal white supremacy that takes from them and bans them from participating. You have god-powers. Make the dipshits worship you. The rules of your universe are totally different.

"I'm sad because I'm special when I just want to be exactly like everyone else, who demonstrably sucks" is you being part of the damn problem. Stop ruining fun superheroes with this hack shit.

God this pisses me off.

Also, every single problem Cannonball has in this "story" is because he is being a narcissistic, toxic misogynist. He treats his mother like crap, and his girlfriend like crap, and beats up his brother for pointing out that the brother and their mom have been managing this farm and their 6 siblings fine without him for awhile now. No one told you to drop out of school and take over, Sam. As his mother finally tells him in the end. Idiot.

He also accuses his girlfriend of theft based on nothing, breaks up with her after this one fight, and they only make up after she nearly dies in a plane crash. That he of course blames on himself. Because it must always be about YOU, Sam.

He supposedly learns something here, but he also gets everything he wants and suffers no negative consequences whatsoever. I mean, that's a realistic outcome for a handsome blonde man from the South. But I don't know why we needed a comic book about it.

This is his girlfriend using her advanced mutant powers to alter her appearance so Sam doesn't have to worry about his mom not liking her. ...After his mom makes it clear she absolutely isn't a bigot. Because this idiot doesn't listen to anyone, ever.

...I'm just ranting now. But everything about this is annoying. And the art is fine, but I don't like this sort of patchy ink style that was all-the-rage in the 80s. It isn't helping my mood.

Maybe the Letters page will have some funny ancient nerd argument that I can

OH GODDAMN IT.

(Claremont's reply to this is "you didn't read the whole arc," which she obviously didn't. He was actually being slightly more nuanced about things in that story. That said, his point with doing the arc in question was to say that the only solution to all long-standing race wars based on colonialism is for both sides to accept their shared humanity and value peace. Which, while technically a real solution, is something you only contribute to the discussion if you have zero stake in it, no appreciation of what is actually going on and why, no knowledge of the warring parties's demands, and should shut up and mind your own goddamn American business, Chris. It's like telling depressed people their problem is they should be happier, or telling a fat person they should try eating less. Stfu and go back to trying to get Racist Kevin to think you're cool, Chris.)

[bengiyo]

Dangerous Romance Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

Last week, Sailom told Kanghan that if he wants to be his lover he has to get with his friends. Sailom told him he couldn’t just use his money for that, so Kanghan tagged along with them to buy supplies. Kanghan tried to be tough, but he’s a rich boy who passed out in the heat. Then the show decided to have Sailom be unsteady on a bus he uses everyday so Kanghan could catch him. Auto suggested Kanghan actually use his money for them since they’re broke, and so Kanghan took them to a club. The police showed up and caught Auto. Kanghan stepped up to help rescue Auto, leading to problems for Kanghan’s dad. Kanghan missed the final point of their football match, but Guy told Sailom to go take care of Kanghan because he and Auto already knew. These two are now official in a moment that was supposed to be cute, but irked me because they made Sailom look dumb again. Meanwhile, Saifah has wormed his way into becoming the grandmother’s caretaker, so he’s definitely going to fuck this up for everyone.

Visually I think Papang and Chimon were a good choice to play brothers.

I need someone who grew up in Asian school systems to explain how the grading system works. In the US, 65 is still a failing grade.

I think I’ll have to ask one of the Thai speakers later if Kanghan did a cute thing with pronouns when they translated “faen-ja” as “boyfie”

Perth and Chimon are cute together. I really hope we get a better show from them next year.

Aren’t their rooms connected by a bathroom? Why would Kanghan hide behind a curtain? This boy is so dumb it’s painful.

Okay, he’s not as dumb as I thought and got out on his own. I’m glad Saifah didn’t find out about them within a day of being around here.

Guy and Nawa want to fuck each other so bad it makes them look stupid. Now they’re feeding each other and excited about their scheduled fight. Oh, boys.

I’m not even sure how I want to read Sailom being frustrated with Kanghan about not showing up for tutoring. This show seemingly wants it to be about Kanghan’s ability to change and the impact on the romance, but for me I’m still focused on the debt looming over Sailom and Name’s willingness to inflict violence on them for that.

Curious about the grandmother buying the expensive medicine for Saifah. I half-expected him to consider stealing the medicine and selling it to use a generic instead, but now he’s faced with someone choosing to be kind to him.

Yes, let’s check in with Pimfah to reassure the audience that Sailom is misunderstanding Kanghan and he should maybe not be mad.

The cinematography of this apology scene is good, even if I feel like the stakes are constantly shifting in this show.

Oh, right, the windmill analogy.

I do enjoy a training montage.

Glad they didn’t make Perth shave his legs.

The scene work between Ging and Saifah is actually really good.

Is Nawa about to go fight this man in crocs? He’s about to be like ole boy on that Birmingham dock.

Where is my GMMTV variety content of JJ and Euro hanging out and trying restaurants?

Another boy who wants his clothes to smell like his boyfriend. I’m okay with this.

Why is Sailom being precious about intimacy?

I do feel for Kanghan crying in happiness that he achieved something he worked hard for and having someone be proud of him for it.

Why the hell is he paying Saifah in the watch he accused him of stealing? This feels suspect as fuck.

Goddamn. There goes the dad undercutting Kanghan again.

Perth is good whenever the direction is clear.

It’s very weird having the rich boy and poor guy pairing going with the same shit going down in Only Friends with Sand and Ray.

I wonder where these two will run away to. I still don’t think I get Sailom.

Next week: We’re surprised when a card gets canceled while trying to him ‘em up style. Sigh.

It’s really worrisome for me when the best parts of a BL are happening in the side character drama. The best moments this episode were mostly around Saifah, because I just don’t get what’s going on with Sailom.

[thatpunkmaximoff]

[Book One of..]

Story: 5 out of 5 Smut: 2 out of 5

I honestly wanted this book so bad because everyone recommended it as a Peter Pan retelling. Imagine my surprise, however, when I read the author’s note, and she states it’s NOT a retelling. But I still read it because I wanted to read a story from the villain’s pov and oh my god am I glad I read it. I am in love with James/Hook and I don’t care that he’s a bad guy.

Wendy, daughter of Peter, starts off as the naive girl that Hook is looking to take advantage of because of what Peter has done to him in the past. But as her rose tinted glasses come off, she becomes the young woman who you will come to adore and root for. And James… well you’ll be up and down with his character. I knew he was the bad guy going in, but I wanted to throttle him at one point.

I guess you can say this is a reimagining of the Peter Pan characters in a modern world, but instead of rooting for Peter Pan, Wendy, and Tink… you’ll be begging Hook for a taste of the dark side.

I am stoked to see what else Emily has written for this series!

* So we start off with a murder. Nice. Seems James’s uncle deserved it.

* Oh shit. James saw Wendy through video feed and immediately wants to defile her. But it’s Wendy’s friend who is hoping for his attention 😬

* Ohhhh. He got her to to agree to a date 😏

* So that’s why he doesn’t like the ticking sound. Damn.

* Oh shit. James walked up to Wendy and Maria is PISSED.

* Lol Maria is such a bitch.

* Score. He secured the date.

* Goddamn. James has got a mouth on him.

* The way he has her grind on his lap… holy shit.

* I somewhat knew what I was getting into, but damn… I’m gonna be heartbroken when Wendy finds out James is using her.

* Wendy’s dad is a dick and Tina Belle a bitch. I can’t wait until James gets his hand on them.

* Lol Moira tried to make Wendy jealous and James wasn’t having it 😂

* Oh shit. Wendy gave him her virginity. There’s gonna be a lot of crying later, isn’t there?

* So the dad doesn’t care for his son and James has noticed that Jon (the brother) looks nothing like Wendy. Could he be the product of an affair?

* Why do I have a feeling something is gonna happen to Ru?

* Uh oh, James. You going soft for Wendy and her brother Jon.

* I fucking knew something was going to happen to Ru 😩 and now James thinks Wendy had a hand in it. Fuck! I can’t wait for him to murder her dad Michael. To murder Pan.

* Holy shit. Did he just kidnap her?! He has it all wrong!

* I can’t wait to see when he realizes he royally fucked up.

* Starkey, you’re a little traitorous motherfucker, aren’t you? I know it was you who was supposed to have Ru’s back. You’re too nervous.

* “Just remember, that whenever things feel bleak, all situations are temporary. It’s not your circumstance that determines your worth, it’s how you rise from the ashes after everything burns.”

* “Every good bitch needs a pretty collar.” — oh my god. I can’t wait for her to bitch slap you 😂

* FINALLY! She had no idea, you dumb shit. Now prepare to beg for forgiveness.

* Wow. Her dad was really gonna let her die. Fuck him.

* Shit. Peter burned down James’s club.

* Damn. James burned all Peter’s planes 😂

* wtf was that with Moira? And how the fuck did Wendy disappear?! I don’t trust Smee 🤔

* Oh so Smee just assumed she left when really she was just sitting on the dock. But still, James is pissed 😬

* She caved way too fast once his fingers got in her. Get it together, Wendy!

* Croc? As in his uncle? wtf! And of course there’s an explosion just as the woman’s name is about to be given.

* Fuck! Starkey is a traitor! It wasn’t an explosion. Starkey shot their hostage right before he spilled the beans. He’s protecting his boss!

* Damn. Wendy’s that good of a fuck that James is in love, huh 😂 Well.. I’m kind of glad she decided to stay. I don’t trust anyone else to have her back like James does.

* “For the record, I would give you the world. You simply have to ask. You want kids? Done. You want to stay here and never work again? Done. You want to watch the world burn?” // “Let me guess, you’ll set it on fire?” // “No, darling. I’ll hand you the match and stand at your back, watching you become Queen of the ashes.”

* Moira is a traitor?! I knew the bitch was sleezy, but this is… wow. I can’t wait for James to kill her.

* Fuck you, Tina! Ugh. These women are pissing me off 😂

* I fucking called it. Smee! You asshole. And cousins? Why are you being such a little bitch.

* So Peter saved James? And James has a brother?! wtf. Tina better fucking get some punishment for flipping out on Wendy.

* Oh shit. It’s Jon! And seriously, fucking Tina. Someone bitch slap her!

* THANK YOU!!

* Aww. They got their happily ever after 🥹

[baladric]

The poem of the day yesterday was "Opera Singer" by Ross Gay and I thought of you :D Link: poetryfoundation(.)org/poems/92017/opera-singer

ohhhhh oh oh, this is gorgeous ohhhhhhhh, i am going to.. transcribe it here bc everyone needs to see it

Opera Singer

By Ross Gay

Today my heart is so goddamned fat with grief  that I’ve begun hauling it in a wheelbarrow. No. It’s an anvil  dragging from my neck as I swim  through choppy waters swollen with the putrid corpses of hippos, which means lurking, somewhere below, is the hungry  snout of a croc waiting to spin me into an oblivion  worse than this run-on simile, which means only to say:  I’m sad. And everyone knows what that means. 

And in my sadness I’ll walk to a café,  and not see light in the trees, nor finger the bills in my pocket  as I pass the boarded houses on the block. No,  I will be slogging through the obscure country of my sadness  in all its monotone flourish, and so imagine my surprise  when my self-absorption gets usurped  by the sound of opera streaming from an open window,  and the sun peeks ever-so-slightly from behind his shawl,  and this singing is getting closer, so that I can hear the  delicately rolled r’s like a hummingbird fluttering the tongue  which means a language more beautiful than my own,  and I don’t recognize the song  though I’m jogging toward it and can hear the woman’s  breathing through the record’s imperfections and above me  two bluebirds dive and dart and a rogue mulberry branch  leaning over an abandoned lot drags itself across my face,  staining it purple and looking, now, like a mad warrior of glee  and relief I run down the street, and I forgot to mention  the fifty or so kids running behind me, some in diapers,  some barefoot, all of them winged and waving their pacifiers  and training wheels and nearly trampling me  when in a doorway I see a woman in slippers and a floral housedress  blowing in the warm breeze who is maybe seventy painting the doorway and friends, it is not too much to say  it was heaven sailing from her mouth and all the fish in the sea  and giraffe saunter and sugar in my tea and the forgotten angles  of love and every name of the unborn and dead  from this abuelita only glancing at me  before turning back to her earnest work of brushstroke and lullaby  and because we all know the tongue’s clumsy thudding  makes of miracles anecdotes let me stop here  and tell you I said thank you.

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jim Bickerman x Reader || Oneshot

Little christmas present to myself, don't mind me.

Plot: Set during Lake Placid Vs Anaconda | You get a good chunk of your leg bitten off by a crocodile and Murdoch wants to leave you behind, but Jim wont let her.

Warnings: Crocodile attack/gore related to that

You didn't even see it coming. You heard that something was nearby, and Beach saying to raise your weapons while Murdoch demanded you all to be cautious, in case its one of her beloved snakes- but it came from behind and you didn't have time to even turn around before the crocodiles was right behind you.

Beach did- he lunged and tried to yank you out of the way- and that kept the monster from biting off your whole lower half but it still managed to catch one of your legs. Its jaw clamped around your leg, huge teeth digging into your knee and tearing skin while you let out a terrible scream. Your gun flies out of your hand when you fall and crash in the dirt.

You try to get away anyway from it, forcing yourself to tug at your leg, but that of course only makes it worse. The pain is immeasurable, and you think you're going to pass out and die- get swallowed up by one of these fucking crocs even after everything the last time you were here.

It feels like forever that the crocodile rips at your limb but must have really been only a few moments, before bullets rain down on the beast and it finally stops. As you're breathing heavily, watching in absolute terror, as it slowly stops moving and both Beach and another of Murdoch's remaining guards rush over to pull its mouth open- to release your shredded leg.

"Oh god... " You whisper, before biting down on your bottom lip as you look at it; Fighting off another scream. No... No no no-

"Get out the medical kit!" You hear Beach bark behind you, once they'd managed to drag the crocodiles corpse out of the way and gently lay your leg down on the grass. The sounds of the other guard cursing and Murdoch yelling about something also fill your ears but you choose to focus on Jim, kneeling beside you looking alarmed and not-at-all confident about your leg.

He helps you to sit up, hauling you up with his good hand before holding you up with his bad. You dig one hand into the mud behind you to help keep yourself up, eyes filled with tears looking at your poor leg. "Okay- alright, sweetheart, we're gonna, uh... wrap that up, for ya. And we'll getcha to a hospital, and they'll fix it up. It'll be fine." Your free hand finds his and he lets you squeeze it as hard you like- no complaint. "Just don't, uh... don't go moving it... "

"I- I don't think I could if I wanted to." You force out, watching Beach fall to his knees with bandages and a sturdy-looking stick he found, by the destroyed appendage.

Jim looks awkward, and worried; Eyes flickering from your face to your leg. "Oh, well, good. Look, ah- worst comes to worst- you just get one a these old things, eh?" With his hook, he reaches back and pats his own prosthetic leg, a wonky grin on his face that you hold onto. "No big deal, hey? Yeah, its gon' be alright... yeahh, just fine... "

"Hey!" Murdoch snaps, then, standing above you all with a disgusted scowl on her face. "What are we doing?? We need to move on! My snakes- "

You watch Jim roll his eyes heavily, then, trying not to snap at her- and failing miserably watching you back- your eyes are getting heavy and your grip on his hand looser. "Oh, shut up about your goddamn snakes, bitch. With any luck, the crocs already made a meal outta them."

Murdoch's eyes flash at the back of his head. "... No. No, I cant believe that. And it would do you good to keep your thoughts to yourself Bickerman."

"... considering you already paid me, I don't see why... " He mutters sarcastically, an underlying trace of malice in tone; Face dark as he stays focused on you. His good eye flickers over your body still- making sure that you're breathing, checking how much blood you're losing, how Beach is going wrapping you up, and then tightening his grip on you when he sees how badly its going... You just take deep breaths, letting your eyes fall shut so you don't have to look at your leg anymore, and... because you're suddenly also really... really tired... "Hey, hey- no, no sleepin', ey princess? Stay awake... "

"Mm... don't think I... can... " God, you're passing out. All that blood loss stealing all of your strength away, making your eyelids so so heavy... you don't think it would be possible to lift them open again. You rest your upper body against Jim and take a deep, shuddering breath. "I... don't think I can... Jim... "

"Yeah, hey Bickerman I don't recommend she take a nap right now." You hear Beach call, still wrapping all the gauze they have around your leg and the stick

"Yeah, I got that, thanks so fucking much." Jim growls, and you feel it more then you hear it. Actually his voice is starting to sound like he's underwater. Or you're underwater. Where are you again?... Something cold and metallic presses against the delicate skin beneath your chin and pushes your face upwards. You feel panicked, heavy breathing on your face. "Uh uh... no... damnit Y/N!... Open up your eyes again- ... now!"

Jim's words cut in and out, sleep overwhelming you- and then, it all goes black.

~

"... she's asleep." Murdoch informs, leaning over your body and peering at you like some stinky road kill they just dragged off the highway, before giving a sigh and straightening up. "Its better that way. Come on- "

Shaking his head carefully, Jim lets your head fall against his shoulder, removing his prosthetic from your face. "We aint going anywhere, 'ma'am'... " The tone in his voice is dark, and angry, and it makes the business woman stop. She looks to Beach with a glare, waiting for him to do something about this.

But he doesn't.

"Look- she's asleep now. She wont feel any pain when she dies." She says it as if its a certainty, and Jim sets his jaw hard, the only thing keeping him from threatening this bitch with a gun being his unwillingness to lay you down in the dirt. "We don't have time to sit by and hold her hand through it, that's suicide. So lean her up against a tree somewhere and lets go!"

At this Jim doesn't even respond, unable to form words to accurately describe how much he is not leaving you here. He just glances at Beach, who's just finishing your leg up, having used up all the bandages they had for emergencies in order to curb the bleeding, and knotting it tightly. Without looking up, he shakes his head sternly. "The others were dead Murdoch, we had to leave them. I get that... but L/N's still breathing. We cant just leave her defenceless."

"Then leave her a gun! If she miraculously comes to- she'll have it to protect herself with."

Beach just glares, his mind fully set on this matter- he might have to work for her but he doesn't have to become someone else to do it. Then he gets up, walks around your body and gestures like he's going to pick you up- asking Jim, silently with his eyes, if that would be alright.

Poking his tongue into his cheek, Jim gives Beach a careful glare. "... son if anything happens to her, I'll be happy to shoot ya dead before y'can say 'oops'... " Slowly, he nods though and helps to stabilize you in the other mans arms.

Beach slowly stands up, getting used to your weight, while Murdoch watches- dumbfounded and pissed at the blatant insubordination happening in front of her.

"... She'll slow us down." She snaps, as if they don't know that.

This time, Jim has his hands free and scrambles to his feet- grabbing his rifle on the way and pointing it at her without blinking an eye. For a moment he doesn't say a damn thing, just carefully watches the cocky look that was on her face initially, give way to a lick of fear when he turns the safety off in her face. "... I'm not gonna say it again- Y/N's comin' with us whether you like or not, snake lady. So if I were you I'd get with the goddamn program, eh?"

No one has ever accused Jim of being a good man, but he's about to pop a bullet in this bitches face and he's not even going to blink about it. "... Don't you talk about her like that,"

But she doesn't let up, even then. "Surely, dragging your dying whore through the woods is just going to hurt everyone else in the end, huh?"

"Murdoch," Beach pipes up, stealing both their attentions. "Its 2 against one- I'm sorry, but we're bringing her along."

"I'm the boss here!- " Murdoch exclaims, disbelief in her tone at everything that is happening right now. All for some- some- invalid?? She didn't even want this chick on this expedition, she wanted Jim but apparently they're a 'package deal' as you had told her when she tried to make off with him- ugh.

Rolling his eyes, losing some of his steam from a moment ago, Jim gives a great sigh. "You're about to be the boss a the underworld if you keep talkin', woman."

Finally Murdoch stops arguing, glaring between the two men and at your pale body propped up in Beach's straining arms- your head drooping backwards into empty air in a way that's definitely going to ache when you wake up again. Its useless, she thinks, eye twitching. They're idiots, and the mission is going to fail because of it.

But, it seems there's nothing she can do about it. "Fine- lets try and find my snakes quick. And you better hope they're alive, Bickerman. Because if they're not- " Murdoch flashes an ugly glare the old mans way. One he doesn't much care about, lowering his gun back to his side and shaking his head. "You'll be paying for it."

"Oooh, shaking in my boots...," He growls back, rolling his eyes. As long as you're alright, he could not care less what Murdoch could do to him. He's gotten out of worse scrapes.

As the group trudges on, Jim's eyes glide back over to you, still unconscious in the Terminators arms up ahead, and gives a frustrated huff; Hurrying to catch up with them with his own bad leg slowing him down. "Watch her head, wouldja?? C'mon, now- "

~

When you woke up, you were alone, on a beach, with a gun in your hand. It was terrifying, waking up at Blackwater, way too close to the lake for your tastes, with one gored leg. You didn't know where everyone went, or how much time had past by since you passed out, or anything. All you did know was that you had to move.

It was difficult, but you managed to force yourself up against the tree you were propped against. All you were thinking was how you cannot die in this hell. And where did everyone go?? Where's Jim??

So, taking a deep breath, you tucked the gun into the back of your jeans and walked.

The bad news- the bones in your leg were most definitely broken, and the skin was torn to shreds, and it hurt like hell to put any kind of weight on the limb, but the good news?? It worked. Feeling it meant it was still there, you supposed, and at least you had it. With just a stump, you aren't sure what you would have done.

You managed to walk 10 minutes into the tree line, searching for any signs of... anything. Crocs being the worst case scenario, the fence being the best. Nothing turned up- but you began to hear something.

Is that... laughing?? What in the name of hell is going on-

OH Jim. Its Jim. You only know one person crazy enough to sound like that and you would bet good money that it was him. "Oh- damnit!" You try to move a little quicker, to find him, but your leg screams at you for it and you have to pause and take some deep breaths to curb the pain. "Okay... okay... I'm sorry... we'll go slow... "Sucking in a final deep breath, you start up again, moving very, very cautiously, with your arms held out at your sides for balance; Taking only tiny little steps in hopefully the right direction. "Hooohhhhkay... "

The laugh turns into more a drunk chuckle after a few moments, but you know you're closer because you can hear it much more clearly now and, yes, its definitely Jim. You would know his voice anywhere.

"... Jim??" You call out, taking a chance that if there were crocodiles nearby- they would have come at the sound of laughing earlier.

"... I must be goin' crazy... " You hear him sigh, then chuckle again- and you roll your eyes.

But you're also pleased- because if this is a trick created by your own head and blood loss, then its a really really good one. And you're not that creative. "Nope- you went crazy a long time ago! Now- ah, fuck. Now you're just going dumb- where are you??"

There's a pause as you struggle through the trees, towards another beach. You can practically see Jim's face in your mind, trying to decide whether he's hearing things or what. You give a heavy sigh. "Do I have to insult you again old man or are you gonna help me out here?"

Finally you see him, laying on the beach covered in blood not 10 feet away. Your heart drops, because this is the second time you've seen him like this and you're honestly so sick of it.

When you get to him, you ease yourself down to the sand and wince when your leg stings at having to bend. When you're forced to drop the last foot down because your leg just wont bend anymore, you let out an 'ooft!' and an 'ow'. "You're alive, then... happy to see it, dumplin'... Now- now whatcha gonna do, huh? Heheh, you gonna- heh- gonna tear off bits a your clothes to set my wounds with? Cuz I- I got a lotta wounds... and I could get behind that."

"I'm sure you could," You humour him, shaking your head. Then you just sit and assess him for a moment, eyes gliding up and down his body- and sigh. Why. "... We can never come back to this fucking lake."

"Oh," Jim chuckles, shaking his head. "I'm with ya there, sweetheart."

"Good." You nod, resting your chin in your hand and your elbow in your non-injured leg, and leaning over his head to give him a soft little grin.

"Unless they offer me a lotta cash, and I mean buckets and buckets of- " The grin slips right off your face, and he starts to laugh again.

"No- "

"Ah ah ah," He suddenly leans up off the sandy dirt, managing hook his good hand around your neck and pull you down into a salty-tasting kiss. You let your eyelids fall closed, an absolute sucker for his kisses; And for a good long moment, it feels like neither of you are potentially bleeding out. When he pulls back again, theirs a wicked grin on his face that's oddly comforting, to you. "... I was just kiddin'."

... Sighing, you roll your eyes with a bemused grin, and straighten up again while he lays there and laughs - like the insane old man he is, - taking the moment to yourself to just wonder how you're going to make it out of here. Its going to be tough.

... at least he's alive, though.

[abyssal-endling]

BANGING DOWN UR ASKBOX

Anyways I think it u,,,,, shud write some golfgoat,, perhaps vlad being his very much vlad self n locke like eyeroll alright whatever, but bygod do they both rllyrllyrlly lov eaxhother :]

GolfGoat :) also soup is the name of the goat in the safehouse i know this

No Title

Not a goddamn day would pass where Locke would not wake up to aggressive banging on his door, goats bleating, and a psychopath singing to him.

Not a single goddamn day.

Locke barely even has the door open when Vlad barrels in, throwing his arms in the air dramatically. “Lockeyyyyyyy, I love you so much, you’re my favorite!” Vlad flings an arm around Locke’s shoulder, nearly spinning Locke to the ground as he kisses him on the cheek before rifling through his papers. He’s barely even done wiping his cheek before the madman starts holding a handful of papers out to the goats invading Locke’s home, tempting them.

“Arghhh, stop it!” Locke snatches the papers out of Vlad’s hands, who flings himself to the ground to sigh heavily. “We need these for- what the fuck are you wearing?”

Vlad grins up at Locke from the floor. “Nice, right?”

Nice.

Nice.

Vlad is wearing a fucking bathrobe, weird ass shoes (Neon crocs with rainbows in them. What the fuck. What the fuck.), and heart shaped sunglasses with a… cat print on them.

And he’s describing it as nice.

“Vlad.”

“Do you know Hello Kitty?”

“Wh- no. Vlad, what, where even-”

“Hello Kitty gave these to me.”

Locke doesn’t even have his hands on a bottle when Vlad appears again, and Houston nearly chokes when he sees. “Locke-”

“Yeah, I saw.”

“Is nice, yes?” Vlad says, grinning.

Houston presses his lips together, visibly losing his mind, and he nods. “You know, Chains is better with fashion, let me get his opinion.” He scurries out of the room, a weak laugh escaping him as he does. 

Left alone with the Ukrainian, Locke turns to him. “So where’d this come from?”

“You remember the goats, yes?”

Good God.

“Yes, how could I forget?”

“Exactly, they are so wonderful! You see, my brother-in-law, stupid motherfucker, he brought a bunch of bags while visiting. The goats- oh, they are hungry, always- they started ripping into them! And that’s how I got these.”

The story falls into place in Locke’s mind and he sighs. “Yes, that does make a lot of sense.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it?”

A smile tugs at Locke’s face. “It’s very nice, Vlad."

Vlad beams, absolutely delighted. He throws an arm around Locke’s shoulders, tugging him into a lopsided hug, complete with a kiss on the cheek. Locke rolls his eyes, pressing his lips to the top of Vlad’s head before turning away. “Where’s Soup, anyway?”

“Soup? Oh, Soup resting.”

There’s a small commotion outside, and the door opens to reveal Dallas and Chains, followed by Houston. Dallas sees Vlad and immediately presses his fingers to his temples, sighing. “Okay. It’s this kind of day, huh?”

Chains grins. “I don’t know, man, it’s pretty on brand.”

“My friend Chains understands!” Vlad says, thumping Locke on the shoulder.

“He doesn’t have room to talk. Never seen him wear anything but fatigues.”

“Hey-”

Dallas brushes past Houston, mumbling something as he does so. Houston snorts, kicking at him.

“So where do I get a pair of those sunglasses?” Chains says, pulling up a seat.

“Hello Kitty gave them to him.” Locke replies.

“Damn, lucky.”

[lazaruspiss]

Batman Unlimited: It's 22 shorts and 3 movies that take place in a super sci-fi universe, it's mainly an aesthetic change so you don't need much more context other than that.

Ep 1: Batman and Green Arrow run a training course. (Bat-Mary Sue moment) Ep 2: Solomon Grundy VS Batman in a mech suit. Winner: The Batmobile Ep 3: Red Robin & Nightwing VS Croc. look at them pretty boys go!! ugh. Batman to the rescue or whatever. It is funny tho that he just shows up like a mom bringing you the lunch you forgot to pack. Ep 4: Batman & Red Robin VS Manbat. plenty of property damage, thanks Bruce. Ep 5: Batman & Nightwing VS Silverback. HA GET LAZERED BITCH BOY. and Dick to the rescue <3 Ep 6: Batman & The Flash (Wally?) VS Cheetah. Winner: The Batcycle Ep 7: Batman and Green Arrow run a training course. Again. Bruce is so cringe, showing off for another man like that. Flash gets caught in the middle of their dick measuring contest and gets suprise bondaged. Ep 8: Nightwing & Red Robin VS jewelry store robbers. Dick is soo sexy <3 and Tim is wants his attention so bad lmao. Also Silverback gets his ass kicked in the end I guess. Ep 9: Penguin VS Batman car chase. Batmobile got bug maw. Ep 10: A bank robber with blue hair? what's next, pronouns? BANK ROBBERY GONE WRONG (GONE SEXUAL?)(CRYING LAUGHING EMOJI) Ace is a robot dog who does most the fighting tbh. Ep 11: Penguin robs a monkey at the zoo. Ace takes over again. TAIL SWORD? I forgot about tail sword. Ep 12: Mr. Freeze in a mech VS Batman in a plane. Both eject, boom boom happens, Freeze has incredible aim actually. He still gets his ass beat. Ep 13: Another bank heist, this time we get shredded Scarecrow VS Joker. Batman shows up to drive the kiddies home. Ep 14: Fishing with the boys :) Wait. That's not a fish :( Oh Grundy is such a sweet boy, he's just a lil hungry. Batman (in a mech suit) still has to put him in time out though. Ep 15: SCARECROW IS BACK BABY. Red Robin & Batman are also there, I guess. Gas shot directly into Tim's eyes, hot. Biggest fears: losing video game, laundry, acne, being the most pathetic guy to a bunch of elementary schoolers, & forever homework. He knocks out Scarecrow while trying to punch away his homework. Ep 16: Joker VS Batman. Everyone has a goddamn mech in this show smh. DINOSAUR? CGI'd in and everything. Anyways, Mr J is in tummy jail. Ep 17: Batman & Ace play fetch. CGI Dino wants in. Competitive little shits. AND IN COMES RED ROBIN FOR THE STEAL. Ep 18: Clayface VS Nightwing & Red Robin. Clayface forces them to split up and fight each other. (What else would an episode called "Divide and Conquer" be about) Ep 19: Joker VS Batman & Green Arrow. #GAsweep <3 Ep 20: Bane VS Batman in a mech. WAIT YO BANE'S KINDA GETTIN HIS ASS. ugh. Batman wins again :/ Ep 21: We open to Joker robbing a bank in what is honestly a pretty sick looking motorcycle. Batman chases him, he summons Ace in motorcycle mode, and Mr J eats shit lol. Ep 22: Clayface as money truck :3 Batman as buzzkill :/

[scaryscarecrows]

All the Spirits Gather 'Round Like it's Our Last Day

Kitty is going to kill Joker, Batman, and Killer Croc, in that order. Joker first, so he’ll go out with the knowledge that he never did get Batman to break his stupid rule. Then the Bat, when he comes to fuss and complain, like he’s got any goddamn RIGHT, and finally Croc, which is…likely to end poorly, but she’ll get him one way or the other, so help her God–

(Jonathan isn’t…that thing–Batman didn’t help but Joker was the one who arranged all this, she’ll kill them ALL–)

She got hold of a transport boat, about forty minutes ago. Strangled the guard left to man it with a rusty chain she’d found inside and heaved his twitching, vomit-dripping corpse overboard. It’s a small thing, but it’s enough to get away and find somewhere dark to settle in and–

Jonathan?

Widow isn’t the right word, really, but it’s the most accurate one and she can’t–she doesn’t–

What’s that?

It’s probably nothing. But she gets the lantern anyway, because it’s better to look than to sit here and dwell.

It’s a box. A box with a person on it, and her first instinct is to shoot them so they can’t tell anyone they saw her, but then she registers tattered burlap and syringes and chucks the anchor over the side, boat-safety be damned.

“Jonathan!”

The water is freezing and she’s terrified that she’ll get to him only for him to be…not…there, anymore, but her frigid, shaking fingers find a pulse in his neck.

“Fuck–c’mon, love, we’ve got to–” Breathe. Assess. First things first: get out of the water. “Jonathan. Jonathan, love, you need to…”

He’ll be useless. Okay. She can manage this without him.

She shoves the box he’s draped over as close to the boat as she can muster, figures it’s not that high, and wishes she’d taken the guard hostage earlier instead. Never mind. She’ll manage.

She’s just bracing herself to try and drag him up the ladder when he pulls in a ragged gasp and chokes, “Kitty–”

This may have just gotten easier.

“Can you help me help you up there?” She has no idea what’s damaged. Likely everything, judging from what she’d heard back at Arkham. “We need to get out of the water.”

Silence. Then, “Yes.”

He’s nothing if not stubborn. He’s always been like that, even when they were teenagers, though it had been more…subtle, then. He’d gotten a confidence booster after killing his grandmother.

“All right.” His left arm, at least, isn’t so mangled that she can’t work it across her shoulders. “I’ve got you, we’re going to go up now.”

Out of the water, it’s obvious his left leg is…lucky to be attached…, but she manages, in the end, to semi-help, mostly-drag him up the ladder and onto the boat.

“Titan,” he’s murmuring when she gets him flat on deck. “Don’t–don’t leave it, don’t leave it…”

She thinks to Hell with the damn Titan, but it’s got a ring on it and she uses an old towing cable to drag it up. There.

There’s a cot downstairs, and getting him to that is much less hideous than getting him out of the water, but now he’s in much better lighting and–Jesus Christ–

Compound fracture of the left leg, right arm broken and–and torn, that’s not–bite on his right side, goes deep, lucky he didn’t bleed out but the cold water might have–likely hypothermia–

Breathe. You can fix this.

Well. She can maybe, hopefully, please-God-if-you-take-him-I’ll-kill-you keep him alive, at least. Bite first, then arm, then wet clothes.

There’s not much down here; a crappy first aid kid, sure, and a spare uniform that she’ll keep for later to warm him up, and…there, there, someone’s canvas bag, it’s not sanitary but it might help the bleeding. She wedges it against his side, tucks it as snug as she can, and turns to the arm.

That’s not something she can fix. She can do her best, but he needs a surgeon for that, and for the leg as well.

Fine. There was one–Dolarhyde, she hated him for his name--that had fixed her arm a few years ago, if he’s still in town she’ll get him. Later. Soon, but later.

She works the glove off, mindful of the needles (broken, most of them, did Croc get a dose?)  and decides to get what’s left of the mask next. It’s slashed and half-off already, and when she works it off she finds something else; a long, jagged gash running from his hairline to his chin, just barely missing his eye. It’s deep, nearly to the bone, but it probably won’t kill him outright and it’s something that she can deal with.

He’s still awake. Or. Conscious, anyhow, if clearly concussed. She kisses his uninjured cheek and murmurs, “Don’t. Don’t.” Don’t die, is what she wants to tell him, but she can’t get the last word out. “Stay with me,” she says instead. “Don’t go.”

“Haven’t yet,” he breathes, followed by, “You look. Like a raccoon.”

What?

Oh.

Yeah, waterproof mascara is a lie, apparently. And she’d been crying before, that probably hasn’t helped.

“You always did know how to make me feel special,” she says, ignoring how her voice is trying to be wet and thick and weepy. “Be still, I…I’m going to try and patch you up, yeah?”

“Mm.”

She can do this. She can do this.

She can do this.

THE END

[that-dinopunk-guy]

Every so often, I'll get tired of playing Conan Exiles by myself and hop onto one of the official PvE servers. I'm way too much of a socially anxious goober to actually go out of my way to interact with any of the other players, but it still feels less lonely knowing I'm not the only one on the server, even if I never actually see anyone. And hey, at least there's the option of human interaction if I come across anyone.

So, today I made an exile on a public server, and I have decided to document my adventures thereon. How long will I stay on the server this time? Let's find out...together!

#teamkhitai for life. Also this lady does not seem to be a fan of organized religion. (Which, I mean, same.)

Like any self-respecting exile, I was clothed and equipped by the time I left the starting desert. Incidentally, I like how with the latest update, we now start the game with two water skins. Plus two roasted haunches.

It's not all fun times on public servers though...

"Ugh, I wish I could use mods on here..."

I decided I didn't want to build a hut on the river this time, so I immediately headed east towards the jungle.

You can always tell you're on a public server when you run into giant sandstone foundation eyesores.

Why do you jackasses always use so many foundations? It's a damn PvE server! You're not gonna get raided!

Not all the bases I saw were so ugly, though.

And the person who built that last base was thoughtful enough to fence in these two crocodiles!

Eventually, after some traveling, I found what looked like a nice spot for a starter hut.

I did hear the rumble of a giant snake, but since I didn't see it or hear fight music, I figured I was okay.

Wrong, idiot! It hangs out right on the other side of that giant tree! Best keep my distance.

Anyway, some tedium later, and my starter hut is complete:

I would normally use awnings to cover the wraparound porch, but since Funcom's logic re: when awnings are unlocked makes no goddamn sense and I don't have access to creative mode, I had to make do with normal roof pieces.

Next I need some decent clothes, which means I need an armorer's bench.

And, since the most common animals around me don't drop the regular hide I need to craft light armors, I also need a tanner's table to convert them. I didn't bother screenshotting that.

Now, off to gather hide!

Aw fuck, the crocodiles escaped their fence! Luckily, I can just escape to the water since, as we all know, crocodiles are famously poor swimmers.

Anyway then I killed them, as well as a few other crocs and a shoebill, and collected their hides. Finally, I needed to convert the reptile hides into regular hides in the tanner's table, so while I waited for that I ran up and down the stairs.

And then, finally, I had enough hide and twine to make some sweet Khitan exile armor:

#khitaitilidie

And that's where I left off today. Next time, I'll be trying to get a furnace and a blacksmith bench going so I can ditch this stone shit.

[inoxske]

alright yall

3rd year Bakusquad outfits!!!

Starting off strong with Denki

its better but its PLAIN

nOW Kirishima

ALRUGHT KING!!!! BAKUGO DRESSES HIM BC HE TRIED WEARING BRIGHT ORANGE AND NEON GREEN he is still bad

Now MINAAAAA I FORGOR HER she never dressed bad yall

fashion ICONNNN she wears funky fun clothes

Sero

hell yeah. he is a boho king he picked an aesthetic and RRAAAANNN

now bakugo ugh

he wears this emo gay skirt shit one day

and then this the next

do u like dick or not dynamight ffs

no fr tho i do think he switches aesthetic constantly but he always looks good asf

[noriakihunny]

some random ass (+ modern day) aot boy headcanons

including: zeke, erwin, levi, eren & armin

trigger warnings: some NSFW+ elements

zeke

is tiktok famous solely for being hot

specifically known on tiktok as the "hot guy who can cook but cooks sexually" i.e. he's the kind to grope a steak or stick his finger in a cantaloupe that's cut open in half like a pus-

verified on tinder

pulls matches by having his dog with him as his main profile photo

has airplane emojis in his bio which shows how much he travels

"hey i'm only here for a few days, wanna meet up?"

is the kind who always dresses like a car salesman no matter what the occasion

the kind to document his meal prep for the week on IG like ok we get it zeke you have no issue eating chicken and broccoli for 7 days straight

he incorporates protein powder into literally everything

he got BANNED from planet fitness since he triggered the lunk alarm WAY TOO MANY TIMES

he smells clean, like soapy. dude is always working out so he's always taking showers

hate to admit it but he is naturally a hot person - ie. he has slept for 10 hours - literally has woken up from hibernation and still manages to look hot

one of those hot middle aged bearded guys who practically lives at disneyland - like "i have a fastpass" lookin ass "i make sure to go at least twice a year"

90% of his instagram feed are gym selfies #progress #grind

but he makes a sweet husband. will serve you breakfast in bed with a "kiss the cook" apron (he is also completely butt ass naked under said apron)

has a thigh tattoo. of what? idk - he just has one. probably a dagger or a snake

he drives a goddamn tesla

but drives way too damn fast. he has like 6 speeding tickets

he wears crocs and wears them well

the charms on his crocs? two dogs, the eggplant emoji, the letter "z" and a pizza

he is WAYYYYY too into christmas

like zeke it's almost february please take down the tree

lowkey loves rupaul's drag race

oh god you know what - he is an influencer

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erwin

the kid who had a massive glow up like he was bullied in middle school and grew up to be super hot, still with them big ass brows

he shops at express. even worked there at some point because he shops there so much he just wanted the discount

also dresses like a car salesman

also also also dresses like your typical dad with a golf shirt, khakis and boat shoes

loves starbucks

black coffee like straight up BLACK COFFEE no sugar no cream or anything

he is also the hot guy at starbucks who is on their mac laptop. he will literally stay there for like 6 hours to finish his work

the "posting a photo of me wearing a rolex holding my $9 cup of coffee in front of my bmw steering wheel" kind of flex

is only on facebook

he has an instagram account where he follows 0 people but has 26 followers. he created the account but never used it

he smells really good, like always

erwin's hand on your thigh when driving.

christian grey 2.0 like my boy is a FREAK he will tie you up and dick you up and down diva

he's the popular guy in the neighborhood and constantly hosts barbecues and parties

big sports guy - LOVES FOOTBALL

hot dad energy. his son/daughter posts tiktoks of them together and majority of the comments are like "you need a step mom?"

also a soft dad. the kind of dad you can talk to about anything

bringing home your girlfriend/boyfriend to meet your parents for the first time? erwin will literally run a background check and interrogate your significant other to make sure they are good enough for you

if you show him something on your phone, he will put on his glasses, squint and hold the phone like a foot away from his face

"what is a .. meme?"

was given the highest credit limit ever at home depot

he really loves building shit

he drives two cars: his dilf-y BMW sportscar and the honda odyssey family minivan

you will occasionally find him arguing with the Alexa in the living room

enjoys adam sandler movies

DAD JOKES FOR FUCKING DAYS MY GOD

he invests in crypto and that nft bullshit

levi

he was a theater kid in high school

also played baseball

yea he got that dump truck, kim k could never

the super chill, yet quiet hot guy that everyone knew. he wasn't popular but he was friends with everyone

levi will be attending the when we were young festival

his photos have been used several times within the emo/scene community on myspace

goes to the mall to shop at only h&m and hot topic. he also loves vans

dresses REALLY hot; he has an all black wardrobe

he also wears a lot of rings jalkdfjalkfdjakl

even though he may look small he can deadlift around 330 lbs

and yes zeke is S H A K I N G because as fit as he may be, he could NEVER

only wears Tom Ford perfume

forever young. middle aged and he still gets carded at 7-eleven when buying beer

drives a motorcycle

he has an iphone 8

also loves coffee

his order: grande iced latte with a splash of cream and sugar free vanilla

but still prefers tea above the rest. they know him at the teavana store

he doesn't understand the concept of almond milk or oat milk

he still hasn't downloaded tiktok

he doesn't even have facebook actually

he's only on IG

soft skin.

yes he has a skin routine; lives by his moisturizer

the only place he shops for food is at trader joes

he loves those soup dumplings

he does radiate minimal karen energy jfc i can see him calling for the manager but, for the greater good!!11!11 ie. the employees were being dicks/not doing their job

he is a plant guy. his one bed studio apartment is just decorated with plants

horror movie buff

he's actually a hopeless romantic

lowkey watches lifetime movies

is a big fan of robert pattinson batman

i can see him being a big nicki minaj fan like-

addison rae follows him on IG

eren

oh god he's a modern day fuckboi

the complete opposite of his brother, zeke

he lives by gaslight, gatekeep and girlboss like he just radiates that energy

is also on tinder

again, opposite of his brother - he loves cats

and yes his profile pic on tinder is of him with his cat

the only thing in his bio is his height and the fact that he loves cats

he loves space song by beach house especially the (slowed + reverb) version on youtube

always smells like he put on too much axe body spray

he has an android phone - actually he is VERY anti-apple

posts very controversial tweets that garner a lot of attention + traffic to his page (but, the good kind of controversial. his tweets get reposted on those shitty fake Drake accounts)

his side hustle is being an uber driver (yes, a 5 star driver)

he drives a corolla but it's one of those really cool tricked out ones

JDM lifestyle

yes he goes to car meets

"can i have a hug" type guy

he has a photo album on his phone specifically for memes and reaction pics for twitter

but DAMN he is HOT HOT HOT. man bun, a sleeve of tattoos and skinny jeans that show off his humongous gingerbread man

he possess such a hot, punky, cyberpunk aesthetic that majority of his "OOTD" posts get reposted by those fashion accounts on IG

doja cat follows him on IG

more active on 4chan than any other social network

shrek is love, shrek is life

boba tea and korean bbq = favs

has seen spiderman no way home about 12 times since its release

this is breaking the fourth wall but yes eren loves anime

........ and yes that includes hentai - he has an ahegao sticker on his corolla for god's sake

will also be attending the we were young festival with levi

if he sees you with a rolling stones t-shirt he will approach you with "name 5 of their songs"

everytime he sings the rock part of happier than ever by billie eilish, he sings it with so much passion you start to worry like damn u ok?

armin

he was very involved in high school clubs; you name it, band, theater, sports - he was even the senior class president

just like erwin, he was someone who also had a tremendous and miraculous glow up

and yes when you are having dinner with armin and your parents, if you ask "will you please pass the salt, daddy?" both your dad and armin will turn around

although, he doesn't believe in tinder. he wants to find love "the old fashioned way"

he smells like fresh laundry and lavender

exclusively shops at h&m and forever 21 like yes a soft white sweater and some joggers fuck me up armih

he's a freak

no, really !!!! he's actually a freak ok like he may seem so innocent on the outside but man he will choke you out in the bedroom

the "i'm only on facebook cause of family" kind of guy; barely posts anything but when he does it's wholesome shit like a video of a dog riding a bicycle

but he is very active on his newsfeed - he will comment and like your posts

a big advocate for gay rights like you will see this man with his shirt off at pride

this man loves k-pop

"i can't stop me" by twice. enough said

his house smells like vanilla

ooh, he's also a minimalist when it comes to home decor

but he has a wall full of vinyls

shops for candles at bath & body

he's a big gamer!!!! 150k subs on twitch. live streams. plays OW and Destiny

jesus christ, he built his own gaming rig

he drives a prius lol

he practically lives at barnes & noble

jim carrey fanatic

*shares a song with you from spotify* "this song made me think of you"

gives the best and warmest hugs

lowkey is a one direction stan

they got your order wrong at starbucks? you asked for 2% milk and they gave you whole milk? no worries, armin will be the one to go up to the barista and POLITELY demand they remake it

[fluffy-papaya]

Hermits but I decide how Gender they are (in good faith and /lh fun).

Bdubs: unhinged ferret is a valid gender. How does he do That with his voice, that is so unbelievably unfair. +2 Gender Points for the bleached mohawk. 10/10 gender.

Cubfan135: lab coats are good. I don’t know if he’s bald or has a shaved head but either way it makes for a nice combo with the beard. 7/10 gender. Eboy (beloved? beloathed? befuddled). 8/10 gender.

DocM77: evil scientist furry???? Sign Me The Fuck Up. If I don’t look human do I have to have a Gender? I thought not. Also- once again, voice?? Points added for crocs. 9/10 gender.

Etho: Impeccable Gender Vibes. Mask, white hair, ‘what the Fuck is interaction’ combined makes for one hell of a vibe middle school me would’ve loved. Smart, and yet without a brain cell, like all the cool gender kids. 11/10 gender.

False: bruh. Sword??? Sword and steampunk goggles??? I have those things in my closet right now. There is something about the jacket that makes my gender vibes tingle. please tell me I’m not the only one. 8/10 gender.

Gem: cottagecore gal! The overalls and flower crown make me smile. She gives off a gender but not The Gender, y’know? 6/10 gender.

Grian: trash man. stinky little gremlin. Mischief is a gender and he has proved it, right after proving Shenanigan and Trouble. I gotta vibe with the sweater, but he refuses to change his hair :( 5/10 gender.

Hypno: trench coat and possible crop top. hell to the fuck to the yeah. 9/10 gender.

Impulse: I did not think dad vibes were a gender until him. Cargo shorts are valid and a respectable gender pant choice. Drummer. He could probably make an afk gender farm. 9/10 gender.

Iskall: :] 10/10 gender.

Jevin: Amorphous blob in a hoodie was yet another seventh grade gender goal tbh, so I think I gotta give points for that. 7/10 gender.

Joe Hills: I do not need to explain this one. 11/10 gender.

Keralis: not a gender :( eyes scary :( but he has assigned me ASAV (assigned sweetface at video) so I gotta give him a little credit. 2/10 gender.

MumboJumbo: Y’know, if the suit look wasn’t already hella gender, the utter buffoonery that is the jumbo man would make it. No one with a Gender has a single brain cell, so thank you Mr. Jumbo for the accurate rep. 7/10 gender.

Pearl: black hoodie and shorts, highlighted hair- no joke, this is the actual middle school Gender I did have, so thank you Ms. Moon for making it 3/3. Also the name is very gender of her. 9/10 gender.

Rendog: Ladies, gentleman, everyone in between, please rise for the most Gender Man on the server, Ren-Diggity-Dog! We got a ponytail! We got suspenders! We got ripped jeans! We got a furry! 100/10 gender.

Scar: Listen. Listen. I know it is meant to be a vest but I keep looking at Scar’s skin and thinking it’s a corset. Do you see my dilemma. Do you see my problem. Half-naked wizard and cowboy are also pretty awesome genders. I respect his refusal to put on a shirt. 10/10 gender.

Stress: Like she is with all things, Stress is a pro at gender. The pink cardigan and occasional bits of murderous rage really sell the show. 8/10 gender.

Tango: …do I need to say anything? Man has gender to a T (heh), but I gotta take points off for the bug eyes. 9/10 gender.

TFC: no gender vibes, only pickaxe. Maybe branch mining does count as a gender? 3/10 gender

Beef: big, buff, bloody. I’m swooning over the gender this man has. Also another voice with extreme Gender moments, don’t sleep on this man hermitblr! 8/10 gender.

Wels: who needs an assigned gender when you can have: full body armor! I wish I could banish my evil gender clone to hell with a rap battle. 7/10 gender.

xB: the casual outfit is pretty slick, I gotta admit. I respect the gender that comes with isolation as well. Plus! APAK (assigned princess by Keralis) adds some points for him. 6/10 gender.

Xisuma: shapeshifting doomguy is not exactly a gender I thought I would ever see but goddamn do I see it. The bee and axolotl skins are both on the gender spectrum but at opposite ends. Points taken off for reasons unrelated to gender, I just really hate that he likes egg on his pizza. 6/10 gender.

Zedaph: …okay, if I gathered up 100 people with Gender and asked them ‘hey would you like macaroni for hair’ I know for a fact at least 5 of them would say yes. Obligatory maid dress mention. Obligatory Create Mod skin mention. Gender lies with the unethical experiments of a socially awkward scientist. 8/10 gender.

ZombieCleo: [smacks zombie] wait that’s a terrible idea [lightly taps zombie] this gal can fit so much Gender in her. Being undead just really adds to the point pool here, guys! Sarcasm is a valid Gender Language that I gladly respect, right beside ‘flower crown’ and ‘striped socks’. 9/10 gender.

[cloudytamaki]

hq » dumbass things

warnings: crack, dumbass topics (choking etc), swearing 😺✨ author’s notes: sorry if i didn’t get many characters / all of them,, i’m new to watching/reading + this is my first time writing haikyuu!

bokuto • you were choking on water, and guess what this dumbass does? he panics and yells your name, jumping up quickly as he slaps his hand down hard on your back. sir?? are we trying to give y/n a mcfucking back issue?

sugawara • found a puppy in the backyard at 12 am and brought it inside. i’m currently wondering if he needs glasses or a slap on the back, because it was obviously a coyote. you kept telling him and told him not to bring it inside, but he was in his mom mode and brought the ‘homeless shepherd mix’ inside anyway.

tsukishima • so you got up early in the morning and absolutely lost it when tsukki got up without pants on. this man was wearing his mom’s birthday gift from last year – boxers with chibi dinosaurs on them. when you pointed them out, he got redder than the dinos on the fabric.

asahi • you asked him to watch a horror movie with you. this was a very bad idea since you chose saw. he actually jumped into your lap a few times, and on a particularly gory part, he gasped and suddenly went silent. he actually fainted.

oikawa • you did the tiktok shower prank on him since he was singing at the top of his lungs. you jumped in, fully clothed, expecting a funny ass reaction. what you didn’t expect was him screaming, pulling down the shower curtain, slipping and falling, butt ass naked. he got shampoo in his eyes and landed hard on his wrist. you had to help this man up and rinse him down, then dry him after.

yamaguchi • you were at a gas station, buying slushies and random snacks for the car. you paid and walked out of the store, getting into the car. you thought he was behind you... he wasn’t. he actually got into an unlocked car; you dragged him out before the person could come back and call the cops.

kuroo • you have a pair of crocs that you wear all around the house, and you usually keep the strap up. but when you slid them on, you didn’t notice that the strap was down, and you were in the hallway trying to yank your feet out of the crocs when kuroo came in and scared you, causing you to fall right on your ass. he started laughing like a hyena and didn’t help you fix them.

goshiki • you were giving him a haircut since he insisted. i don’t even know how this happened but your dog came running in and started barking because of the mailman. and guess what?? goshiki jumped and there was some screaming – then suddenly you realized you had chopped a lock of his hair off. cue intense fright when he looks in the mirror. never again.

iwaizumi • you were cuddling in bed, fully asleep when suddenly he had a nightmare. his foot slammed into your shins and you let go of him, screaming. he shot up, his eyes crazed and his hair wild when he saw you on the floor. he helped you up and was so confused when you scooted to the other side of the bed.

kageyama • he... i don’t know how to explain this but he managed to get his foot stuck in the door. literally not joking. he managed to get his foot stuck in the door and called you for help, you grabbed him and pulled him hard but it didn’t work until you unscrewed the door.

daichi • he was eating lunch with you; he ordered a dish and he forgot to tell the waiter to hold the spice. so, when he started eating, he started coughing loudly. his entire face was red and no amount of water could fix it. guess who’s never going back there.

hinata • you know the funny my-child-is-at-the-register joke? you always laughed at it until it happened to you. you went to the bathroom and when you came back out, you couldn’t find hinata. he was gone... or so you thought; your name was blasted throughout the store on the loudspeakers. when you came over there he looked like he was about to piss himself.

lev • you were at the beach, slowly stepping into the water to have some fun. then your 6′5 boyfriend comes running in the water and slips on the sand, doing a wonderful face plant. and when he slipped, mud and water sprayed all over your nice new bathing suit. 

kenma • this man... you were at ikea looking at some new beds and wallpapers for your rooms, kenma was looking for a gaming desk. you told him you were gonna look at another theme and he nodded and sat down on a nearby couch. then you walked back over and saw him slumped on the couch, passed out. you had to shake his ass awake because there were angry staff people behind you.

tendou • he was making a scene about how he stuffed 12 pieces of gum in his mouth and was dancing to the store music when he started choking on his bubblegum. people literally passed by the aisle you were in with disgusted looks as you gave him the heimlich. don’t even ask me how, but he managed to get it stuck in his hair.

akaashi • you were going ice skating. kind of a classy activity, so you thought he’d be great at it. well... he kind of was; he didn’t fall, but he accidentally slid into the wall/railing thing a few times.

atsumu • begged you to go out with him to a new pizza restaurant and said he’d pay for everything. you reluctantly agreed, and you had the best pie of your life. and the $40 receipt comes, and you realize this man. left. his wallet. at home.

osamu • he mopped the floor and went outside, then came back inside, expecting the floor to be dry. well, it wasn’t, so when he walked on it, there were some nasty ass footprints. he actually blamed it on you uhm...

sakusa • someone recognized him in public and shook his hand because they were a big fan. the man went into convulsions when the person’s skin made contact with his.

terushima • he keeps acting like his tongue piercing is something to brag about. it definitely isn’t when he gets it stuck in some food and asks you to help him take it out.

suna • so... you were unaware he was taking a nap in the other room, and you were shaking your ass to some cardi b songs. and you thought the door was locked, and he caught you right in the middle of a split. your muscles popped when he threw open the door asking you to turn the volume the fuck down.

ushijima • you were cleaning the fish tank with him and you offered to carry the 10 gallon tank back to where it was after you washed it. he kept denying you and lifted it up to prove his point. when he was walking with it, he dropped it. 

yamamoto • kept talking about having guts and being manly, so you decided to test his resolve by dragging him to an actually haunted house. he did a very good job of disguising his surprise, but he just squeezed your hand tighter. you were nearing the exit when a big ass hairy spider dropped right in front of his face. man jumped back and shrieked like the little girl you saw earlier. he was so embarrassed when you brought it up.

nishinoya • you invited him horseback riding, and he happily agreed. well, you warm up to the horse before swinging yourself onto its back. he somehow botched both of those – the horse bit him and ran off when he got on. that pretty much ruined his perception of horses.

tanaka • he was going out in public and was completely oblivious to his own smell. goddamn, it smelled like baked beans fermenting in a sewer. he was acting all cool and didn’t even notice people covering their noses. when he got home with a bouquet of marigolds, you didn’t know what smelled worse, the flowers or him.