#none of this matters all these friendships i was trying to rekindle all these posts i wanted to make

[elytrafemme]

i keep taking my girlfriend to shopping centers because dahlia loves those and all i listen to these days is klavier’s favorite bands. what are all these hosts doing that i can’t fucking do for my system. why won’t they talk to me.

[shycoconutt]

I Found My Light (Kakashi x Reader)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

A/n: Sound the alarms! It’s my first ever writing post! I’ve had this written for a while tbh, and I feel like I’m ready to start getting into this.

Summary: A late-night walk turns into a rekindled friendship.

Word Count: 2300

Warnings: fem!reader, SFW (but might not be later lol)

You opened your eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time tonight. Staring at the white ceiling, you sighed. Sleep seemed to evade you recently, a side effect of the recent dreariness of your life. You found yourself living the same days over and over again. Because of this, the line between day and night started to fade.

The moon was full tonight, you noticed as it shined brightly through your open window. It was the perfect temperature out, warm but chilly enough to feel comfortable wrapped in your blankets. You love listening to the occasional sounds that occurred outside, the noise of leaves rustling in the wind being your favorite.

Your gaze left the moon and landed back on your ceiling. Why is something as simple as sleeping so hard? Gods, all you wanted was an escape. With a huff, you pushed the covers off of you and sat up from your lying position. Trying to force yourself to sleep would do more harm than good right now.

You make your way to your dresser and pull out your favorite pair of black joggers. You love them because they are tight on your ankles, loose on your legs, and have a cinched band at the waist. They are perfect for any lazy day. You slip them on over your underwear, you never go to bed with pants on, and exchange your sleep shirt for a cropped black hoodie made from the same soft, elastic material as your pants.

You turn to face your large standing mirror in the corner of the room to assess your appearance. The all-black look was your favorite, especially since it will help you blend into the night. Your hair was a mess, so you decided to put it up in a loose bun on the top of your head and pull out some strands to frame your face. It felt good to not look so polished and put together. Your jonin uniform was not the most comfortable piece of clothing, especially with the way it hit your figure.

You walked out of your bedroom and across the kitchen to the front door of your apartment. One foot after the other, you slide into your sandals and grab the key to your apartment hanging on the hook next to you. With that, you leave your apartment and head out into the night.

You walked the streets of Konoha at a gingerly pace. It was probably around 3 a.m. at this point, and there wasn’t a single soul on the street with you. You make your way past the line of shops on the main street, including your favorite bakery where you'd treat yourself to a lemon square after coming back from a long mission. You thought about that lemon square a lot when you were out risking your life, embarrassingly enough.

A couple of turns later and you found yourself heading towards your favorite place in all of Konoha, a little area of woods towards the perimeter that contained this amazing koi pond. Although it was nighttime and the fish wouldn’t be as active, you still want to check to see if you can watch any. To your surprise, your favorite koi, who you nicknamed “Nishi'', was out and swimming around by himself. You sit criss-cross in the grass and watch as he glides through the calm water, almost putting you in trance. Nishi didn’t look or act like the others; He was black with white, almost silver-looking spots and he was less frantic in nature. You sway from side to side as you watch him, thinking to yourself about how you would like to be more like Nishi.

“You look cute watching the koi.” You heard a soft, yet unwavering voice declare behind you.

“Holy sh-” You almost jump out of your pants at the unexpected presence. Surprised, you quickly turn your head around to see who’s voice that could possibly be. To your disbelief, there lies a figure perched up by a tree a couple yards away from you. Their feet were crossed, legs extended, one hand in the pocket of their pants, the other holding up what looks like a copy of Icha-Icha, head turned towards you, and wild hair moving with each passing breeze. How did I not notice him?

“Oh I’m sorry (y/n), I didn’t mean to startle you. I figured you knew I was here because you walked right past me.” He brought his hand up to scratch the back of his head and let out a small chuckle. “Guess I should have made my presence known right away.”

Still in disbelief, you get up and slowly make your way towards the figure, stepping into the shadow of the tree to see him more clearly. As you approached you immediately recognized the silver-haired jonin.

“Kakashi?” You say confused. “What are you doing out here? It’s late.”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He states, closing his book and setting it down next to him on the grass. He looked different. He looked… quite hot actually. The jonin uniform you usually saw him in was traded for a pair of comfortable-looking grey sweatpants and a tight, black tank top that connected to his mask. He wasn’t wearing his headband either, just keeping his left sharingan eye shut in a permanent wink. As you observed him, you couldn’t help but notice that he was doing the same to you.

“I suppose you're right.” You smirk and let out a small chuckle. “I couldn’t sleep so I figured that if I was up I should take a walk around the village to clear my head. This is my favorite spot, so I guess I just naturally ended up here.” You exclaimed, still standing in front of him.

“It looks like you and I are having the same issue,” he states plainly, “I came out here a little while ago after tossing in my bed for an hour. I hate trying to force myself to sleep; It’s a battle I never seem to win.” His eyes averted your gaze and moved to his now empty hands in his lap. You couldn’t help but notice a hint of pain in his voice and it tugged at your heartstrings.

You know about the things Kakashi has been through, as it was pretty common knowledge to all jonin in your mutual age group. You were pretty close with his friends, Gai, Kurenai, and Asuma, but Kakashi always seemed to keep everyone at an arm’s length. He also was an Anbu for ten years, which didn’t help the disconnect either. Fortunately, he was relieved from his Anbu position a couple weeks ago, and gradually you have been seeing him a bit more here and there. Though, this is the first time you are able to have a conversation with him in what seems like forever.

“Well,” you sighed, “I guess we have lost the battle together. We must be pretty shitty jonin.” You stated flatly.

Kakashi squinted his eyes and you both laughed. You couldn’t help but take a mental picture of his face at this moment. You really enjoy seeing him happy, as it makes you happy too.

You can’t kid yourself, having a chance to talk with Kakashi alone feels like such a treat. Little genin (y/n) would be ecstatic right now. Of course you had a crush on him back then, who didn’t?

“You’ve always had a natural talent for connecting with people,” Kakashi mused, “I haven’t talked to you since we were teenagers, and here I am laughing with you like we’re long-time friends.”

You could feel your eyebrows furrow at that statement. Yeah sure, you weren’t at his apartment every week for Sunday brunch, but you did have a history.

“Kakashi,” you started, “You are my long-time friend. Just because we drifted apart doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. To be honest, I was relieved when I found out you were no longer going to be a member of the Anbu. It wasn’t good for you.” You stepped closer and sat down next to him, leaning back on the tree stump. The grass felt cool under you, sending a small shiver up your body.

“I suppose you’re right,” Kakashi stated, quoting your words from earlier. “It amazes me that none of you gave up on me. I feel like I am undeserving of everyone’s effort.” You were baffled by his honesty; Kakashi wasn’t known to be much of an open book. It upsets you so much that he feels this way as you couldn’t imagine not caring about him or any of your other comrades in the village. The faces of your closest friends flashed through your mind and you grimaced at the thought of losing them.

Not knowing if you should, you felt compelled to reach over and hold Kakashi’s hand in yours. It's cold compared to the warmth spreading from your fingertips. Hmm, I wonder how long he has been out here. Giving his hand a small squeeze, you look at him in his onyx eye. “Trust me, Kakashi. You are deserving. You are deserving of a great life and people who care about you. I know the world may seem dark, but I promise that a light is always glowing. No matter how small or dim, it’s there.”

You stare at each other in silence for a moment before he changes the position of his hand and intertwines his fingers in yours. The change was small, but it ignites a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t describe. Slowly, you felt your cheeks flush and you turned your face to look towards the sky in hopes he wouldn’t notice. You knew this action was him telling you that he accepts your words, and thanks you for them.

You spent the next hour sitting under the tree together, you looking up at the stars and him looking at you. Your intertwined hands fell between your bodies, resting on the cool grass. You felt him start to graze the back of your hand with his thumb, sending a tingling sensation up your arm. It felt so good to be touched by him, even in such an innocent manner.

A strong breeze ran through the air and hit you suddenly. You began to shiver at the quick change in temperature, realizing that you should have dressed warmer if you were going to be out this long. Yet, you couldn’t have anticipated the situation you are currently in.

“Are you cold?” Kakashi questioned with a hint of concern.

“Yeah a little bit,” you answered honestly, “but I don’t want to go back home. I’m not really tired yet.” Truthfully, you didn’t want this little moment of shared bliss to end. You started to feel like you found your escape, and you refused to be torn away from it so soon.

“Neither do I,” he confessed, “Come here.” He released his hand from yours and slid his position higher up on the side of the tree. He then spread his legs and patted the ground in between, inviting you to sit.

You felt your face get hot again, as the position he was offering you was a very intimate gesture. There was absolutely no way you could refuse his offer. One, because you were freezing and, two, young (y/n) would never forgive you.

You got up and sat down carefully between his thighs, leaning until your back met his chest. He then wrapped both of his arms around you, one around your shoulders and the other around your waist with his hand resting on your stomach. The outsides of your legs met the insides of his and you felt an immediate warmth there. Lastly, your head tilted back and rested upon his left shoulder, with his face nuzzled against your temple. You both fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, no part of you feeling any discomfort against his strong body. Engulfed in his smell and warmth, for the first time in a while you felt completely relaxed.

“Thank you, Kakashi.” You looked up at him with a warm smile.

“Anytime.” He breathed, voice muffled by your hair. You wondered if he truly meant that. I mean, after all, this is the first time you have interacted in a while. Yet, the connection you felt towards him was unquestionable.

Does he feel the way I feel?

“Hey,” you began, “are you tired at all?”

He flexed his arms and held you closer to his chest. “Not really,” he answered, “I’m enjoying this moment too much to be tired.” You smiled, and there was a pause.

“Isn’t this odd?” you questioned again.

“What? You and I snuggled under a tree in a random corner of the village alone at 4 a.m. after we haven’t interacted with each other in years?” he questioned sarcastically, “Not at all.”

“Kakashi!,” you laughed, gently nudging your elbow into his ribs as he laughed along with you.

“Yeah it’s a little odd,” he answered honestly, “but I’m not going to question it. I found my light, and now I’m enjoying it.” He nuzzled his face into your hair and breathed deeply.

Completely and utterly relaxed, you let yourself succumb to the heaviness of your eyelids. Truthfully, this has felt like the longest day in the world and you are happy to end it this way. The sound of Kakashi’s breathing and the rise and fall of his chest acted as your personal sleep machine. It’s priceless.

Before you completely drift off, you swear you could feel the soft, pillowiness of Kakashi’s lips graze the skin of your temple, a soft hum escaping from them.

“Goodnight, (y/n)”

~~~

Queue Hilary Duff’s “What Dreams Are Made Of”. This kind of feels like the beginning of something. Should I continue? Idk if my writing is even good. If you read this, PLEASE let me know if you have any feedback. Again, this is my first story and I would greatly appreciate any feedback, advice, suggestions, etc.! I can’t believe I’m uploading, ah! - Klara

[footballxposts]

The Rest Of Our Lives - Mason Mount Series 🦋 (Chapter Three) Departure

Warnings: none but next chapter is smutty ;)

Recommended Listening: Forever by Labrinth (Slowed).

Taglist: @storyofavengers

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After releasing me from the hug I was immersed in, I quickly went to the bathroom whilst Mason waited patiently for me outside in the hallway. Once I had finished and came back out to meet him, the little smirk on his face made my heart so full. Maybe he really did miss me like he had said, but if so why didn’t he get in contact sooner? I guess he was afraid of the rejection but I really did wish he had still tried. At the end of the day, we only regret the chances we didn’t take. Of course I was still hurt by him, but I did want to give him his chance to explain everything, even if it meant we wouldn’t rekindle the friendship like it once was, and we would still go our separate ways again.

“You alright?,” he asked in a soft tone.

“Yeah..” I gave him a small smile before he nodded and took my hand leading me back upstairs to the nightclub’s centre-point. It was only at the top of the stairs that we were caught in our tracks by a stunning blonde-haired girl who had recognised my old best friend.

“Mase gorgeous, how are you? I haven’t heard from you or seen you in a while. I thought you might have fell of the face of the earth or something.” she piped up. His reaction was like a deer caught in headlights. Who the hell was this? I knew it wasn’t his girlfriend but she seemed to be someone who was at one stage more than just a friend like I was.

“Uh, hi Olivia, yeah..” he began to speak back to her. “I um, I’ve just been busy sorry, I’m good how are you?” he continued unconfidently, itching to get away from this current conversation.

“Too busy, huh?.” She raised her eyebrows and chuckled. I was standing there so awkwardly, not knowing what to do or where to look. She didn’t pay attention to me once, her eyes fixated on the brown-haired man beside me. “And here’s me thinking Mason Mount would never be too busy to reply or spend some time with me..” she gasped jokingly, but I knew she was being serious and I really didn’t like the vibe I was getting off her. My heart began shattering again out of jealousy. It’s amazing how you can go without seeing someone for years and even though they broke you, in an instant all the feelings and memories come rushing back. And that’s exactly what happened when I saw Mason on the street earlier this night. Even though it was /my/hand he was still holding, I still felt threatened.

“Awh no.. I mean.. I don’t know. I’m sorry as I said I’ve just been really busy,” was all he could come up with as a response, his palm becoming sweaty interlaced with my own. You know when you can feel your heart beating in another part of your body? I could feel his through his hand in my grasp.

“Hmm okay.” She said with barely any emotion behind it. “So who’s this little one then? Your new girl?” Her attention was now focused on me, now frozen with a tightness in my chest. I should have spoken up. I wanted to. But I was unable to. Thankfully, Mason covered for me.

“Uh, no she’s just a.. a friend..” he trailed off, so unsure of his answer and looking across at me, his eyes soliciting for an answer. Realistically, we were former friends. But within time, we both hoped we could drop the former. Slowly nodding as reassurance, I turned back to look at the the tall woman standing in front of me.

“Just friends?” her eyes widened with a smug look, pointing towards our intertwined fingers. I went to let go of Mason’s hand but his grip tightened, letting me know it was okay and he had the situation under control.

“Yeah this is my childhood best friend Sophie. I uh- I ran into her down outside the bathrooms and she wasn’t feeling the best so I said I’d bring her back upstairs and take her home. I just wanted to keep her close in case she fainted or anything.” he announced. Her eyes were now practically staring into my soul, but buying it, she just replied with an ‘oh’ and I signalled in agreement once again.

“Well, that was nice of you.” She smiled pompously. “Anyhoo, you have my number. Don’t be stranger.”

“Right.” Mason gulped and she winked walking away. Once gone, he turned to look at me again, apologising with his eyes. I bit my lip and shook my head to let him know that it was alright and that we didn’t have to talk about it. To be honest, I did want to talk about it. I wanted to know who she was. Was he sleeping with her? And if so was it going to progress any further? So many questions filled my mind but I tried to forget about them, telling myself that it was none of my business and it was before we had reconnected to night anyways.

Making our way over to Hollie, the look of disappointment across of her face said more than words ever could. She was relieved to see that I hadn’t gone missing, but she wasn’t too impressed that on my return I had brought back Mason with me. Giving me a moment to talk to her, Mason stepped away, resting his arm on the bar counter and facing the dance floor.

“What’s going on, are you okay? I went looking for you but I seen you talking to him from the top of the stairs and I didn’t want to interrupt.” She whispered sympathetically.

“Yeah I’m fine, thank you Hol. And I’m sorry I left you for so long.” I replied.

“No no, don’t be sorry. I was more than alright up here, I was talking to that bartender for ages anyways. I’m sorry Soph, I didn’t realise he would be here too. Is everything okay between you both?”

I wanted to say yes. But was everything okay between us both? I mean for now it was. I was giving him his opportunity to talk to me, but I hadn’t heard his side of the story yet nor had I forgiven him. Trying to find the right words to respond with, I took a deep breath.

“It’s not your fault Hollie, I was the one who said I wanted to come here in the first place. And I guess for now yeah. I’m giving him a chance to clear up everything and get some clarity on the whole thing. It doesn’t mean we’re going to go back to being how we were before but at least if we can be on civil terms.. I don’t know that’s got to be worth something right?” I asked, in hope of encouragement.

Hollie was the best friend a girl could ask for. She was more like a big sister despite me being older; a little dumb and clumsy at times, but no matter how many bad and possibly avoidable situations she put herself in, she would always make sure I didn’t do the same. She only wanted the best for me, as did I for her, so she basically made herself the crash test dummy and tried to advise me as much as possible. And she always made me laugh and smile without fail, after every heart break, every failure, basically anything terrible circumstance you can think of. She was always there.

“Well that’s your choice and I think it’s fair enough.” She gave me a fragile smile. “Just be smart and don’t let him hurt you again Soph. I seen how much pain and anguish you were in tonight and I never want to see you like that again. It’s alright that you want some light shed and some closure on the situation, but don’t let him blindside you and destroy your heart again, okay?” she raised her brows, placing both hands either side of my shoulders to make sure I was listening. Nodding to let her know I understood, she gave me a full warm smile back.

“Okay, so I think I’m going back to Dylan’s house once he’s finished his shift”. She added, referring to the bartender who was now waving at us. “But I don’t know what your plans are so I don’t have to if you don’t want me to and you need me.”

“No no, you go. I’ll find out what Mase and I are doing and once I’m back home and safe I’ll give you a text and let you know. If I need you at any stage I’ll call you.” I said before giving her a hug and getting ready to leave.

“Okay, I’ll do the same!” She mumbled, and with that I rejoined Mason who had finished informing his teammates and friends what was happening. Putting an arm around my waist, we had left the nightclub once again with crisp and fresh night air.

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Quick A/N: AHH I’m so excited for the next chapter you guys are gonna love it I hope! Also, the reason I put listening recommendations is to help you all imagine what I’m visualising when I right my stories and ideas! Music basically helps me set the scene. When you’re listening to the song attached to this post, I want y’all to try visualise yourself walking in slow-mo through a crowded nightclub holding hands with THE Mason Mount. Everyone looking at you both leaving, but he’s looking back every so often just to make sure you’re okay. Just imagine. That’s all :)

[skzleeknow12]

Betrayal - Stray Kids

Summary: After years of losing touch after a harsh betrayal, CEO Park Seolhee is reunited with her best friends as they sign a business deal. However, she is not the same as she was all those years ago, so how will she react when the members of Stray Kids ask for her forgiveness as well as a rekindling of their friendship?

Warnings: None (this is my first time writing a fanfic/drabble/scenario idk what to call it lol, so it’s not as good as the other stories on Tumblr but I think it will be enjoyable to read so please do read it and maybe repost it too! Also, the summary is not to good and makes the story seem more boring than it actually is hehe. Thank you in advance for reading this :)

Word count: Approximately 6k

…

“Miss Kim, please tell me my schedule for next week,” Seolhee said as she tiredly leaned back in her chair. This week had been anything but relaxing; calling it chaotic would be an understatement. Seolhee was just glad that after this she got to go home; her plan for the weekend was simple: sit in bed and watch kdramas whilst stuffing her mouth with pepperoni pizza.

“Of course Madam,” Yoojin said as she took out the timetable. The two were close friends but they had to act professional at work; the last thing Seolhee needed was for her position as CEO to be taken away due to something as small as her not talking formally. She had built this company from scratch, sleepless nights and a diagnosis of depression had been the consequences but at the end of the day, she was satisfied with what she had achieved. Of course, Yoojin had been by her side the entire time, making it more worthwhile. “JYP Entertainment recently got in touch with our advertising team and they really wanted their boy group Stray Kids to wear our outfits from the Cle clothing line for their latest upcoming comeback. At 9:00 am on Monday, you have a meeting with them, all the final details will be discussed then and our fashion directors will bring the samples to see which member would suit which one. After that -” She had been about to continue when Seolhee had cut her off, startling her as she immediately sat upright in her seat, staring with wide eyes. “Madam, are you alright?”

“Did… did you just say Stray Kids? As in JYP’s boy group?” Seolhee asked with a shaky voice.

“Yes, Madam I did… oh no,” Yoojin said and she instantly realised why Seolhee had reacted the way she had. She poured her a glass of water and sat down as she watched her gulp the water down in three big takes. “Seolhee, it’s them, isn’t it? Your old friends?” Seolhee didn’t say anything about her dropping the formalities as she reluctantly shook her head.

“Yoojin, what do I do?” she asked her best friend desperately, “I never wanted to see them again, now I have to work with them? I can’t do that.” Flashbacks appeared before her and she swallowed the lump in her throat, trying not to cry at the pain of the hurtful memories.

“Listen, this could be a good thing,” Yoojin said, holding her hand across the desk, “this could finally give you the coverage you need. You left without letting them apologise, you basically disappeared from their lives. I know this has always tormented you, so this could be the perfect opportunity to end everything once and for all. And if not, maybe you could become friends again?” Seolhee immediately stood up, slamming her hands onto the desk in front of her, a scene which was not uncommon to Yoojin as she just sighed at her friends agitated state.

“No,” Seolhee began, staring out of the big window, “I don’t need any coverage. Cancel this business deal; we will not be taking part in it.” Yoojin widened her eyes and tried to think of a different approach.

“Seolhee, listen to yourself,” she said urgently as she took her friend by the shoulders. “You would be letting go of such an amazing opportunity. If Stray Kids advertised our clothing line, think of how popular it would get. This is such an amazing offer; it would help our company so much.” Seolhee thought about it for a second before she walked towards the window, her back facing Yoojin.

“No Yoojin,” she said quietly, “I’ve managed to make our company the top in the whole of Korea; I did that myself. In the past years, we’ve been able to extend our business all the way to the western markets, everyone knows us. We don’t need Stray Kids to help us out, we are perfectly fine by ourselves.”

“Listen, I know that our company is the top one, I’m not denying your hard work,” Yoojin said softly, “but this could help us maintain our position at the top. We have a lot of competitors who would always be willing to let Stray Kids advertise them. This offer has fallen right into our laps without us even having to do anything. We can’t let it go.”

“We’ve had BTS, Twice, Itzy and so many more advertise for us,” Seolhee said, “and they’re the biggest things at the moment. We’ll be fine, we don’t need Stray Kids.”

“But Seolhee, Stray Kids are the highest wanted group for brand ambassador at the moment,” Yoojin pleaded, “we could benefit from them so much. Listen, you need to think as a CEO, ok? What would you tell everyone if asked why you rejected this business deal? That you’re still hurting from your broken friendship? You need to make sure your personal life doesn’t affect your professional life, and you know I’m right.” Seolhee looked back at her, and she didn’t want to admit it, but Yoojin was right. All of her hard work could go to waste if another company partnered with Stray Kids, they would go to the top and her company would lose its top position. She couldn’t let that happen. With a hesitant nod, she looked at Yoojin, who seemed beyond satisfied that Seolhee had listened to her. She didn’t want to see her best friend’s hard work go to waste just because of her past.

“Fine,” Seolhee said, “but don’t tell them that I know they’re coming, and don’t tell them that I’m the CEO. I’ll stay professional during the meeting and leave immediately after, ok?” Yoojin walked towards her and engulfed her in a hug.

“Of course,” she said as she patted her back, “don’t worry, it will all be fine. No one is forcing you to talk to them. You do what makes you comfortable, ok?”

It was Sunday night and Seolhee had been tossing and turning in her bed for what felt like an eternity. She was beyond nervous about having to meet the members again, what would she even say to them? No, she wouldn’t talk to them about anything apart from the business deal. She would leave immediately after to make sure they wouldn’t be able to say anything to her. Why would they want to talk to her anyway? They were the ones who grew tired of her. Even though it was so long ago, the pain was still fresh whenever Seolhee thought about it.

(Flashback)

Seolhee excitedly rang the doorbell at Felix’s house as she held her self-baked cake in her hands, making sure the card was stuck at the bottom of the box. She couldn’t believe that after so much hard work and pain, the boys were finally debuting. She knew how much they had waited to hear this news and she was beyond happy for them. She was a bit weirded out by the fact that none of them told her and that she had to find out through her classmates congratulating them on Instagram, but she shrugged it off as she saw a figure approaching the door. The door opened and there stood Felix’s mother, smiling brightly at her.

“Seolhee, it’s so good to see you!” she said as she carefully hugged the girl, making sure not to accidentally ruin the cake in her hands. “Is that for the boys? They’re in the living room, come with me.” She led her to the living room and whilst they were walking there, Seolhee heard the voice of all of them laughing, as well as the sound of an unfamiliar girl. Miss Lee’s phone suddenly rang so she excused herself as she answered it. Seolhee put the cake down on the small table in the hallway as she checked her appearance. She picked it up and was about to enter the room when they all erupted into another fit of loud laughter, and she peeked through the door and saw the girl laughing at a picture from one of the boy’s phones. Of Seolhee. Their backs were towards her so they couldn’t have known she was there, and the girl was too busy laughing to notice her too. Seolhee quickly stepped back, not wanting to be seen but she still decided to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“The amount of confidence she has to post these kind of pictures!” the girl laughed and to Seolhee’s horror, the boys were laughing alongside her. “And what is this?! She literally looks like a pregnant woman filling herself because of her cravings!”

“I know, we always told her to eat less but she never took us seriously!” Seolhee’s heart broke as she heard Chan dissing her weight. Chan, the one who had always told her she was perfect no matter what.

“Yeah, she could easily eat 10 boxes of pizza and at the end of it whine about being hungry, just like a fat pig I swear to god!” she never thought she would hear such things come out of Minho and Jisung’s mouths, sure they teased her but she thought they did it in a friendly way. And she always thought she ate the right amount, not just living off of air like the girls at school.

“Her visuals remind me of a warthog!” Hyunjin laughed and Seolhee felt her heart rip apart. The others joined in with equally insulting observations, mostly about how fat she was and how out of place she looked. She looked down at herself and instantly shuddered. They were right, she was ugly. She had never paid much attention to it, she always thought she was average among the class of overly-skinny girls at school, but after hearing her own friends say those things about her, she couldn’t help but think how stupid she had been to think she was fine. She had allowed them to see her in her worst states, for instance during the many movie nights they had she never wore makeup, always opted to wear baggy sweatpants and t-shirts as well as keeping her hair in a messy bun. She didn’t realize how awful she had looked to them; she always thought they didn’t care about those kind of small things. Her mother wasn’t in the world anymore to be able to tell her these kinds of things, so she had never tried. From the brief seconds she had looked at the girl in the room with them, she had noted how gorgeous and petite she was; of course the boys would prefer her. Just at that moment, Felix’s mother came back, and noticing the silent tears dripping down Seolhee’s face, she immediately became worried.

“Seolhee, why are you crying?” she asked and Seolhee immediately heard the others turn silent. She heard someone curse lowly and the next second she saw Felix standing in the doorway of the living room, panic all across his face.

“Seolhee I -” he started but was cut off as she hurriedly mumbled to his mother that she had to be somewhere. In her hurry to leave, she accidentally dropped the cake and felt guilty that Felix’s mother had to clean it up, but she didn’t turn back. She could hear the boys shouting after her but she didn’t listen to them. She heard them running after her and quickly crossed the road whilst simultaneously waving down a taxi. The taxi came at such a high speed and somehow managed to stop only a few seconds before reaching her. In her fright, she fell to the ground as she screamed, and she heard the boys from the other side of the road. To her horror, they were about to cross the road and the last thing she wanted was to hear their excuses, so she quickly stood up and ran to the side of the taxi, stopping the driver as he got out to check if she was ok.

“Please… start driving,” she said quickly and he gave her a worried look but obliged. They zoomed off and the last thing Seolhee saw was the faces of the boys as they looked distraught, some of them running their fingers through their hair frustratedly.

Her phone had been blowing up with messages from them, both from their group chat as well as privately; even Felix’s mother had asked her what had happened, and their phone calls seemed never-ending. Finally after she could take it no more, she blocked all their numbers and left the group chat, as well as not bothering to listen to the countless voicemails they had sent. She would never trust them again, no matter what they said. They came to her house many times, but she never answered the door, and after growing tired from knocking, they would eventually leave, telling her they would be back the next day. She hated this, so after the 5th day she decided to phone her friend from a business camp she had attended a few months ago.

“Yoojin?” she said brokenly as she ignored the girls energetic greeting.

“Seolhee? What happened, are you ok?” she asked urgently and her heart broke as she heard her friend completely break down in tears. “Listen where are you right now? I’m coming to your apartment ok; it will take 45 minutes but I’ll try and get there as fast as possible, ok?”

“No… no, don’t come, I’m f-fine,” Seolhee stuttered and she heard Yoojin groan agitatedly.

“You’re not ok, I’m on my way,” she said firmly and all Seolhee could do was nod, “I’m already in my car and I’m leaving now, I’ll be there soon ok? Love you.”

As soon as Yoojin ended the phone, Seolhee immediately went to her room and locked herself inside, shrinking down in front of the mirror as she looked at herself. She had never been girly, but she thought she was fine the way she was. She never thought her friends would focus on something so materialistic like weight and looks rather than her heart. She had been so mistaken. After what felt like an eternity of crying, she didn’t know what force overcame her but she found herself walking towards the washroom and frantically started searching through the drawers to find a razor. She had never self-harmed before, she had never even thought of doing it, not even when her parents died, but at that current moment it looked so appealing. Without thinking twice, she slid the razor down her arm and winced as she felt the sharp pain. She watched the blood drip and it strangely satisfied her. She heard frantic knocking on the front door and realised that Yoojin had arrived. She felt numb and gave no reaction when Yoojin freaked out over her bloody arm, but she finally opened up about what happened as Yoojin tended to her wounds on the sofa. She expected Yoojin to get up and leave, but instead she saw her go to her bedroom. She didn’t feel like following her and just stayed on the sofa, staring off into the distance. Yoojin snapped her out of her trance when she gently pulled her up, and when Eunji looked around, she saw that Yoojin had packed most of her stuff.

“You’re coming with me,” she said firmly and started dragging her towards the door. Seolhee looked around her small apartment, she had made so many memories here and she felt emotional to depart from it so suddenly. “Don’t worry, we’ll come back after a few days to get the rest of your stuff. But you’re not staying here yourself. You’re living with me in my apartment now.” Seolhee didn’t even protest and watched Yoojin in silence as she locked her apartment door whilst dragging her suitcase, as well as simultaneously pulling her along with her. When they reached the ground floor and were making their way to Yoojin’s car, Seolhee suddenly heard someone shout her name and recognized her friends running towards her. She heard Yoojin curse under her breath as she quickly put Seolhee’s suitcase into the boot of the car.

“Seolhee!” Felix called as they ran up to her. To their pain, Seolhee turned her face away from them and didn’t answer, but not before they all caught a glimpse of her puffy tear-stained cheeks. Yoojin glared at all of them before guiding Seolhee to the passenger seat, gently yet firmly pushing her inside.

“Leave,” she harshly told the boys, who looked surprised and confused. They had met Yoojin only a few times but they knew her to be bright and energetic like Seolhee; this person looked different. “You have no right to talk to her.”

“Let us talk to Seolhee,” Changbin said but Yoojin shook her head.

“No way,” she hissed, “and don’t ever come here again. Seolhee’s going to live with me now, and if I see you again in front of her I won’t hesitate to beat you all up.” Changbin looked like he was about to say something back but Jeongin’s timid voice interrupted him.

“Y-you’re leaving Seolhee?” he asked painfully, talking to Seolhee who had somehow forgotten to close the car door. She sniffed softly and Yoojin quickly shut it and glared at the boys again.

“Really I’m shocked,” she snarled at them, “I thought you guys were different, but you’re all just jerks. She’s leaving, and don’t even think about coming in front of her again. You’ve hurt her enough, both physically and emotionally. Go to your friend who you so easily talked crap about Seolhee with.” With that she turned around and got into the driver’s seat, and the boys watched as she gave Seolhee a hug whilst wiping the tears from her face before reversing and leaving. That was the last time they saw or heard from her.

Seolhee stood outside her company’s building and was genuinely considering phoning in ill just so that she could avoid the meeting, but she later decided against it.

“You need to get over it once and for all,” she told herself, “show them how great you’ve become.” She took a deep breath before walking inside. She checked the time on her vintage watch. 8:39 am. She still had 20 minutes left so she decided to go to her office, hoping Yoojin would be there, and she was right. As soon as she entered, Yoojin engulfed the younger girl in a big hug.

“I’m really proud of you for going through with this,” she whispered, “I’m here for you, ok?” Seolhee nodded and accepted the bottle of water Yoojin had handed over to her. The two sat down and talked and before she knew it, Seolhee realised it was 8:50 am and she had to make her way to the meeting room, as well as check in on her colleagues and workers on the way there. She greeted anyone she saw and they greeted her back with a big smile. She was known for being a cold but kind, firm but soft CEO, and this dynamic of hers caused her to be loved by everyone for it. She reached the meeting room and she could already hear the boys talking and laughing loudly. She sighed deeply and put her cold CEO gear on before opening the door. She strode in as the boys quickly scrambled up to greet her and avoided the looks on their faces as they looked at her in shock. She greeted her fashion team and engaged in small talk with them as she set her things on down on the table before turning to look at the boys, who were all frozen in place.

“Do you usually just stare at CEO’s who you partner with or do you actually show some respect?” she asked coolly and their manager immediately apologized on their behalf whilst hissing at them to bow in respect. They did so clumsily and Seolhee bit back a smirk; maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. She sat down as her workers followed suit and she impatiently gestured for them to do the same.

“Madam, these are the outfits for our new line that you chose,” one of her workers said as she passed Seolhee a folder. Seolhee looked through it, humming whenever she saw a good design.

“Hmm, these are good, well done,” she said, smiling as she handed the folder back, causing the fashion team to sigh with relief and smile back at her. Seolhee turned to look at the boys, all who were looking at her expectantly. She raised her eyebrows and they quickly diverted their gazes to the table. “This is your 2nd year as a group, am I correct?” she asked and they looked confused as to why she asked a question to which she already knew the answer. Their manager nudged Chan, and she knew enough about them to know that he was their leader. She never had the heart to find out more about their group so other than their names, positions and debut she didn’t know anything about the group.

“Um, yes, it’s our second year,” Chan said, trying to sound smooth and stable. Seolhee nodded in acknowledgement and gave him a forced smile.

“Congratulations, I understand this is a hard field to get into. I actually used to know some people who wanted to become singers too.” she said coldly, but masked it with a smile. “Ok, getting back to business, I assume you’ve chosen the designs you prefer for yourselves?” the boys looked at each other before nervously shaking their heads. They saw the way she rolled her eyes and knew she wasn’t only angry due to this. There was a lot more to that eye roll. Their manager immediately stood up, bowing repeatedly as he apologized.

“I’m extremely sorry Madam, we will make sure not to waste your time again in the future,” he said and Seolhee signaled for him to sit down, smiling a little.

“Don’t worry, people can make mistakes,” she said with a steely gaze, “however please don’t let this happen again, some mistakes can never be forgiven.” She didn’t miss the look the boys gave each other and smirked again. She was enjoying this. With a tilt of her head, she signaled for one of her workers to start the presentation on the big screen. She stood up, casually taking her blazer off, and throwing it on the chair whilst rolling her sleeves of her dress shirt up. The boys couldn’t deny how well she fitted the title of CEO, with her white shirt, black blazer, black pants with matching black heels as well as her hair falling over her forearms in smooth waves. She was very petite, not to mention how her light makeup made her glow. None of them missed the flash of a long bandage on her arm, but she quickly turned her body so that it wasn’t visible. “Focus please,” she said as she directed them out of their trance. “Ok, we have been working on this clothing line for a while and your CEO seemed to think that your comeback concept would go well with the clothes. My colleague will pass you around folders with the samples so you can see how they feel, and the designs are in there too, so please decide what you would like. But before we start that, your CEO asked us to design the set for your music video, so my colleagues read your lyrics and were able to come up with images like these.” She gestured towards the screen where a series of pictures as well as drawings of different sets were displayed, and the boys couldn’t deny how good they looked. Seolhee led them through the presentation and before she knew it, it was already 12:00 pm.

“Please look at the clothing designs and let us know by the next meeting which will be…” she said, looking at a girl at the back of the room.

“This coming Friday, 9:00 am,” a steely voice said and the boys turned in surprise to look at Yoojin, who glared back at them.

“Thank you, Miss Kim,” Seolhee said, smiling. The fashion team bowed in respect and left the room, leaving only Seolhee, Yoojin, Stray Kids and their manger in the room. Their manager received a call so he left the room to take it. Seolhee’s smile disappeared as she looked at the boys. “It was a pleasure meeting you, I’ll take my leave now. Please feel free to eat your lunch in our canteen if you feel the need to do so.” She bowed respectfully and made her way towards the door, not before she felt a hand grab onto her. She looked at Jeongin, who looked like he was about to cry and she felt her heart clench for a second before she harshly pulled her arm from his grasp.

“Mr Yang,” she said, trying not to stutter, “I don’t think this behaviour is very appropriate.”

“Seolhee, please,” Jeongin pleaded and Seolhee simply sighed deeply as she looked at the others, all who had the same desperate look on their faces.

“Seolhee, we need to talk,” Seungmin said and Seolhee just scoffed, shocking all of them. She had always been so sweet, this new, cold person was not their friend they remembered.

“It’s Miss Park to you,” she said coldly, “and we have nothing to talk about.” At that moment Stray Kids’ manager came in with an apologetic look on his face.

“Boys, I’m sorry but I have to go home urgently, you’ll be able to get back yourselves right?” he asked and they nodded so he quickly left. Seolhee gestured towards the door, but the boys didn’t move. She sighed deeply and looked to Yoojin for help. Yoojin stepped forward and held onto Seolhee’s hand protectively.

“We have been kind enough to sign a business partnership with you,” Yoojin said, “but please do not get too comfortable, you can leave now. We will meet at the next meeting.” The two girls turned around but Jeongin grabbed onto Seolhee’s arm tightly, accidentally gripping her where her razor cut was still not fully healed. She had cut it in such a harsh way that one of her veins had been ruptured and therefore, it had never closed up properly. If any harsh force was put on the bandages, it would start to bleed. Seolhee winced loudly and Jeongin quickly let go of her. She cursed under her breath as she felt her sleeve slowly get wet, and Yoojin realised what had happened.

“Sit down,” she told her quickly and led her back to her seat, “I’ll bring the first aid kit, ok? I’ll be back soon, don’t worry,” and then whispered in her ear “ignore them.” Seolhee nodded as she took her blazer off again, wincing as she saw her white dress shirt’s sleeve covered with blood. She briefly looked up and saw the look of horror on the boys faces as they looked at the scene in front of them.

“Did… did I do that?” Jeongin whispered, and Seolhee sighed as she shook her head, and pulled her sleeve up. The boys seemed unsure of what to do so they decided to sit down again and opted to stare at her. She finally grew annoyed and spoke up.

“Stop staring at me!” she snapped, shocking all of them with the bitterness in her tone.

“You look well,” Hyunjin started but stopped as soon as she shot him a glare.

“Are you sure I don’t look too overweight or ugly?” she mocked and they all looked away in guilt.

“Seolhee, about that-” Chan started but was cut off as she waved her hand in dismissal.

“Shut up, I don’t want to hear it,” she said coldly. At that moment, her phone rang and she saw Yoojin’s caller ID. “Yoojin? What happened? Oh you have got to be kidding me! How did the bandages run out? No, there is no way I’m staying in this room! No way… urgh fine, I hate you by the way.” She ended the call and harshly threw her phone on the carpeted floor, watching it bounce off but no damage was done.

“We’re really-” Felix started but was cut off.

“I said,” she started coldly, “I don’t want to hear it. Leave, the meeting is over.”

“No, we won’t leave until we sort this out,” Minho said firmly and Seolhee scoffed.

“What is there to sort out, huh?” she demanded. “The fact that you guys talked crap about me behind my back, when I thought you were by best friends? I showed myself to you in my most vulnerable positions and you took advantage of that and ruined every ounce of self-confidence I had. You lied, saying how I was perfect the way I was but as soon as you found someone prettier and more desirable than me it didn’t even take you a second to replace me like that. You didn’t tell me about your debut, I had to find out through our classmates on Instagram.” She took a deep breath, realising her outburst ruined her calm CEO image. She began with a softer yet firmer tone as she said, “There’s nothing to sort out, we had a friendship, we made good memories that were probably only good for me and probably burdensome for you all. But that’s in the past now, we are colleagues for a few months, and that’s it.”

“Seolhee, we really miss you,” Jisung said, “we miss your friendship. It was hell when you left, but we didn’t even know where we could find you. Please, let’s restart everything.”

“We don’t know what happened, we just became close with Dahee whilst you were at camp and we hung out every day but-”

“Shut up, I’m not here to find out about your friendship with that girl, ok?” Seolhee’s tone was beyond harsh and the boys felt upset that they were the reason behind it. “I genuinely don’t care, I stopped caring about you guys on that day. You don’t owe me any explanations.”

“We promise we didn’t mean anything we said, you were and are perfect!” Chan exclaimed, walking towards her. His heart broke as he saw the way she flinched and held onto her arm. And that was when he realised. “Are… are we the reason for that?” he asked, gesturing towards her arm. She didn’t reply and his suspicion was confirmed. “Seolhee I’m-”

“Don’t apologise,” she said with no expression, “I wasn’t good enough, you were just telling the truth.”

“No, we weren’t, we were stupid and reckless!” Seungmin said and the others nodded desperately. “We were just having a good time with Dahee before and she suddenly started saying those things and we just carried it on, but we didn’t mean any part of what we said.”

“We had no idea you were standing there either,” Felix said and Seolhee scoffed for the umpteenth time that day.

“So you’re saying if I wasn’t there you would have said those things and not been sorry?” she asked, cocking her head to the side. “Wow, backstabber much. You’re all pathetic. Anyway, I’m not upset anymore. What hurt was how you constantly lied to me and made fun of me. You broke my trust, forever. You can say you didn’t mean it as much as you want, it doesn’t change the fact that when you found a girl better than me you immediately replaced me, in the most harsh way too. If you had just told me you didn’t want to be friends it wouldn’t have hurt this much. I even baked a cake for you, even though you all know how much I hate baking. I spent ages on the card too, all for nothing.”

“Dahee is in no way better than you,” Jeongin assured desperately, tears running down his cheeks. Seolhee wanted to hug him, but she had been hurt too much. “We’re not even friends anymore, she wanted to be friends with us just because we were in the debut line-up. She’s fake, she doesn’t care about how you do. Please, come back to us.” They saw different emotions pass over Seolhee’s face and they all expected her to accept, but their hearts dropped when she hesitantly shook her head.

“Did.” She muttered.

“Huh? What do you mean?” Minho asked, confused.

“You said Dahee doesn’t care about you the way I do,” she said, keeping her head down so that they couldn’t see the hurt in her eyes, “I did care about you. Past tense. Not anymore. Never again.”

“Seolhee, we regretted it immediately. You’re our best friend, we can’t live without you,” Hyunjin said, his voice cracking as he cried.

“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU SAID THOSE THINGS?! HUH?! YOU ONLY REALISED WHEN I LEFT!” It felt good to finally scream and after seeing the guilty looks on their faces as well as their tears, she felt a bit more satisfied. They deserved to feel pain how she had. “You guys all had each other, I had no one after that. Only Yoojin was there to help me. You had each other, but you didn’t think about that once. Screw you, all of you.” At that moment, Yoojin came running in and paused after she saw everyone in tears. She glared at the boys before making her way to Seolhee, putting an arm around her protectively.

“I told you not to hurt her again,” she spat as she helped the crying girl up, “leave, now!” She pressed a cloth to Seolhee’s bleeding arm, trying to stop the blood flow.

“Yoojin, pass me my phone,” Seolhee suddenly said, taking Yoojin by surprise. She took her phone from Yoojin and quickly dialled a number, wincing as her hurt arm contacted Yoojin’s. “Hello? Yes, this is CEO Park speaking from Korea, how are you? I phoned to tell you, I’ll be coming to our base in the USA for a bit. We still have the Blackpink collaboration to think about, as well as Tiffany Young.” she eyed the boys as she said that and their hearts shattered; she was leaving again, because of them. “Yes, I will leave somebody else in charge of the Stray Kids collaboration, it’s not a problem. My flight should be after a few days, I’ll book one today. Ok, see you. Good. Thank you, take care.” She turned her phone off and looked at Yoojin. “We’re going to the USA, make sure to pack ok? We’ll be gone for a while.” She turned to look at the members, whose eyes were red and puffy as they tried to form words to stop her from leaving. “This collaboration will be given to one of my colleagues, we have no reason to talk anymore, I’ll be leaving after a few days. Take care and good luck.” She quickly left, not giving them a chance to say anything. Before she walked out the door, she turned around and said “This is our last meeting. And please do not try and revive our friendship, it died and left a long time ago.” Then the door closed and the boys were left, suffocated in their own wrong doings. They couldn’t believe they had messed up so badly. None of them had wanted to let go of Seolhee, they hadn’t meant a word of what they had said about her to Dahee, but they knew they would never be forgiven.

“I- I don’t want to lose her,” Jeongin wept as he cried into his hands.

“Im afraid we already have,” Seungmin said as they all stared at the door with broken hearts. Broken hearts that no one but that girl could cure, but she would never do that. She would make sure they suffered just as she had. The only difference was that they had each other to hold onto when she had only had herself. They had screwed up, and now they had to face the consequences.

A.N// Thank you so much for reading the story, please give me some feedback if you can! I am currently working on a Stray Kids Mafia series and it will be a Minho fanfiction with the other members as well as many other groups making small entrances. I hope you all support that story of mine too and I will release it soon, maybe after I release a few more short stories/drabbles like this one :)

[ridiasfangirlings]

Everybody lives AU,, what if, in a strange turn of events, it's MIKOTO who finally convinces Saru that he matters a loooot to Misaki? Like maybe Saru wants to ask Misaki out but keeps getting discouraged or something, then boom, a cute Mikosaru interaction?

I could kinda see this, Mikoto's good at being blunt and he probably doesn't have time for Fushimi's continuing bullshit making both Fushimi himself and Yata unhappy. Like say post-ROK Fushimi obviously has his crush on Yata but he refuses to say anything to Yata about it, assuming that he's going to be rejected. Plus with this being Everybody Lives AU Yata still has his hero Mikoto around and it's hard for Fushimi to get over that old fear, that Mikoto is more important to Yata than Fushimi himself is. Yata and Fushimi keep meeting each other for drinks and such and Yata clearly wants to go back to being friends again while Fushimi's still maintaining some distance between them, unable to completely relax and let himself believe that Yata really does care about him. Even a guy like Yata can notice it too, like Yata's trying to remain optimistic about the two of them rekindling their friendship but he's feeling a little down thinking that maybe Fushimi isn't interested in being his friend anymore. He's still determined to keep trying though and he keeps asking Fushimi to go places with him, trying to find some way to break Fushimi's walls again like he used to be able to. Mikoto meanwhile is watching this whole thing from the sidelines, seeing how Yata looks so downcast every time Fushimi pulls back from him or seems distant when Yata's honestly trying his best.

Finally one day Fushimi's at the bar waiting on Yata, who happens to be running late from his part time job. Mikoto's the only other person there and it's hard for Fushimi not to be on edge, the old fear still there even though Mikoto's not a King anymore. Mikoto notices but doesn't try to calm him or anything, just lazing around on the couch and smoking while Fushimi sits there with his shoulders hunched wondering if he's supposed to be carrying on conversation here or something. Mikoto finally is like 'You're gonna lose him this way, if you keep that up.' Fushimi looks up at that, asking what Mikoto's talking about and Mikoto rolls his eyes, like you're a smart kid you know what I mean.

Fushimi clicks his tongue and says it's none of Mikoto's business and Mikoto gives this irritated sigh as he says that Yata's important to him too, so that's why he's saying this – that Fushimi's going back to what he used to be, and at this rate he'll lose Yata. Fushimi glares and is like you don't think I know that, getting this bitter smile as he says Yata probably won't even notice anyway. Mikoto wonders if Fushimi's really that stupid, like Yata spent the last few years pining for Fushimi and here Fushimi thinks Yata won't notice him. Fushimi says that isn't true, Misaki never even noticed he was gone and Mikoto tells Fushimi maybe he should start paying more attention to Yata himself, if he thinks that. Fushimi hunches his shoulders all awkward as he finally stumbles out that he doesn't know how to do this, how to be with Yata like he wants to be, and there's no way Mikoto would understand. Mikoto shrugs and says he doesn't, but Yata probably would if Fushimi lets him in. Fushimi says it isn't so easy and Mikoto finally gets up and moves to leave the bar as he says that's Fushimi's prerogative but it's been pretty clear to everyone else from the beginning that Yata thinks the world of Fushimi, and maybe it's time Fushimi starts to believe that too. Fushimi looks up sharply, surprised, but Mikoto's already halfway out the door just as Yata comes running in apologizing for being late. Yata notices Fushimi's expression and asks if there's anything wrong, Fushimi glances back the way Mikoto came and then sighs and says they need to talk.

[mitchsmarners]

why do you hate stranger things 3 so much?

Okay so it’s been a year but I’ll admit, I still don’t think I’ve ever been REALLY able to express what it is about the third season of Stranger Things that just made it so-bad but I’m gonna try. Like short answer? For a show that got it’s whole thing from the importance of family and friends, season 3 shoved all of that aside for poorly written romantic relationships. Long answer?

There’s many things but I think that the biggest thing is that even with a pretty decent “main plot” Stranger Things 3 started off almost immediately from the get out with no chance of actually being good, because right away none of these characters were still in character with who we fell in love with, you know?

Joyce Byers, who at a serious base of her character, was an amazing and extremely dedicated mother spending seven out of eight episodes seperated and unconcerned about her children even when she’s suspicious that something was going on. Her kids don’t reach out to her either, even when the literal world seems to be ending around them which is very weird for both Will and Jonathan who are super super aware of how vital and active Joyce has always been in this fight and they don’t even wonder out loud for second why she isn’t there.

And Mike- oh, Mike, sweeties, my dude, I am so sorry- has, sure, always been kind of a little prick. Very stubborn and kind of struggles to see things from other people’s point of view but there was so much more to Mike Wheeler than having a crush on El. Something just does not sit right with me that I’m supposed to believe that Mike threw down on sight for the entire first season for El’s right to be considered a friend to Lucas and Dustin and then apparently, basically, actively took part in the season three concept that she.... didn’t have any friends, and wasn’t friends with anybody except him, and that she never actually became friends with Dustin or Lucas after Mike fought them so goddamn hard about it. It doesn’t make sense! AND NOT TO MENTION, that Mike sent two seasons- two- with an obvious view that saving Will or protecting Will was the most important thing to him and it still took what like? Four episodes for Mike to realize that something was wrong with Will and even then he continuously undercut it and I don’t know who that was but it wasn’t my Mike Wheeler.

LUCAS WOULDN’T BE LIKE THAT. Aside from the whole weird thing where they set up Lucas and Max has been an actually great relationship and then they brought back that season with a showcase that Lucas and Max basically break up once a week and fight continuously to the point where they both think that’s the most normal thing in the world.I just think that- and I know I’m not the only one- is that I am glad that we got a call back to the season one throwaway line that Mike and Lucas are best friends because outside of Dustin saying that, we never really saw it. Lucas seemed to really have little to no patience for Mike at any given point, and I get that, I totally get that. Like, season one they had the same goal- save Will- but they both wanted to go about it in a completely different way (i.e Lucas didn’t really want to waste time on the girl with the superpowers they found in the woods, because he thought their time would be better spent actually looking for Will) and then in season two, Mike runs around being a total dick to the girl Lucas likes and fucks off in end of episode four without word about it and has progressively tried to keep Lucas and Dustin from what’s going on with Will for the most point (because he doesn't trust Max and he was right in believing that Dustin or Lucas would tell this total stranger about Will’s trauma.) and I totally digressed here, but because I was glad to see Lucas and Mike being friends in season three, the concept was highlight they just- went about it so so wrong. Because Lucas has never been shy about telling his friends- and especially Mike- that they’re being fucking idiots. I cannot imagine Lucas actually encouraging Mike to pursue this crack scheme of chasing after El post-break up. Especially not the way it went down, which Mike immediately accepts that El has dump him and it’s over and then Lucas convinces him that it’s not. It very much does hold roots in the poor writing of the Lu/Max relationship this season, but Lu/Max was written the way it was so that they could have Lucas in Mike’s corner and Max in El’s corner to validate and uplift the horrible Mi/leven relationship arc this season in which Lucas for sure would not be in that spot whatsoever if it wasn’t for the poor writing of Mi/leven since the second they left the Snowball. Lu/Max is very much a support piece in Mi/leven rather than its own relationship, and yet Max continues to get her own storyline this season (as... yeah... as that storyline was) but Lucas became a casualty to Mi/leven this year, and only slightly differently to the way Will has been a casualty to Mi/leven... and Mike has been a casualty to Mi/leven. If your main relationship continues to assassinate and rip dry the characters both inside and around it, then it’s really time to take a step away from that relationship and determine if its working or if you just suck at writing for no foreseeable reason.

And like, I guess it’s fair to talk about Max here since it’ll be any easy transition in the sense that- Max Mayfield a casualty to Mi/leven. Like that meme with the people holding hands and it says “my character survived the Mi/leven relationship of 1985” and its Max Mayfield and Dustin Henderson. NOT TO SAY that Max’s character isn’t all over the board, it is a lot harder to decide what Max would or wouldn’t do regarding Mike and El. Because.... we never saw anything with the Max/El relationship outside of Max wanted to know her, and El absolutely wanting nothing to do with that because Mike smiled at her one time and El saw it. Mike and Max is actually a different story, and the more complicated relationship I guess? El/Max was good, even if I didn’t agree with all of the advice that Max gives El (particularly the we make our own rules concept, I fucking hated that and I’ll get there. Oh, I’ll get there.) BECAUSE Mike and Max are just... the Sharpay and Gabriella of Stranger Things. They feud all season for whatever reason, they make up and find common ground at the end, and then it starts back up and they hate each other with no explanation to the understanding that they found. And it wasn’t funny, there wasn’t anything about their rivalry that was funny or amusing or even really served a purpose outside of the fact that they needed to showcase the whole Lu/Max and Mi/leven crap so Mike and Max could be friends because the couples needed to be against each other so Max already needed to hate Mike prior to El coming to her for advice, and therefore the rekindling of their potential friendship at the end of season two was re’cont for that purpose. And it really wasn’t necessary because Max would have had enough going on without being in the middle of the weird Mi/leven break up, and losing her boyfriend. I think a huge like, obvious issue with Max is that season two Max left a lot to be desired. Understandably, season two was a lot bigger than the Duffers had time for so they ended introducing characters (Billy and Max) that we didn’t get to develop in their introductory season enough that where they ended up in season 3 was logical or sensical at all because Billy did nothing except be an evil piece of shit two years until the end where he decides to stop himself from killing this little 13 year old white girl and dies and suddenly he’s a hero who sacrificed himself for the greater good when he really didn’t. And seeing Max horrified and traumatized to him does make sense to an extent, she has known him and lived with him for a large chunk of her life and seeing that happen to anybody would be traumatizing. And people don’t get to determine how someone would react to their abuser dying, because you are not that person and you are experiencing what they are experiencing. HOWEVER, Max did not receive enough explanation from a writer or viewers’ POV for her defending Billy or believing Billy could be good to make sense when she spent almost all of season two avoiding her relationship with Lucas because she knew that Billy was racist and violent and horrible. Max grieving and being traumatized over Billy’s death and quite literally seeing his body, but her actions up to that point didn’t make much sense because not enough writing went into Max as a character since the beginning because she is a victim of the classic Too Many Characters, Not Enough Screen Time to Share.

Ha. The relationship between El and Will really needs to be it’s own point before I even get into them as characters. It’s so... It doesn’t make any sense to me why Will and El are like that. And I guess it does or it can trace back to Mi/leven. The idea that Mike purposely kept El from having any friends and Will would have been a victim of that, and the fact that Will very obviously likes Mike and that showcases in him... not like El??? because they’re dating. But I’m not sure how I’m supposed to believe that Will and El don’t have a connection? El saved Will’s life t w i c e and I’m supposed to believe that he hates her because she’s dating Mike and therefore that doesn’t matter to him and he calls her by a number instead of a name and he overly just seems extremely indifferent towards her at best. But I actually do believe, the lack of an Will & El dynamic is (besides being a totally missed opportunity) was like... blank brained of the writers, I think they genuinely just didn’t think about it because they were really caught up in the relationship drama this season they just didn’t bother to develop El and Will. Which is dumb, because of the whole “we’re supposed to believe that Hopper & Joyce are a good ship” but also supposed to believe that Will and El have never spent any time together AND THEY KNEW THAT THEY WOULD BE L I V I N G TOGETHER at the end of the season and they still nothing to give them any relationship growth at all, and if anything took away what little potential hits of a dynamic they had from the first two seasons. For the sake of what does not sort of look like a queerbait of Mike/Will OR best case scenario (still bad!) a love triangle between the three characters.

For a show that had two seasons dedicated to the importance of Will Byers, it was kind of weird to see him so shoved aside this time around. And this isn’t to take away from El’s importance. It’s not an argument over her being the main character- although I think it’s important to note that they original plan for this show was for her to die in season one, and while I’m glad she’s alive and they changed that, we can’t deny how that decision itself would completely alter the path every single character (especially characters like Mike and Will in particular) would have made. BUT FACTS ARE, this entire show started because of Will. That is something that cannot be argued. The Vanishing of Will Byers was the kick off of this entire thing, and every single main character aside from possibly Steve Harrington, are in this fight because of Will Byers. Not because of El. And yes, El is most definitely the ~stranger thing~ and the titular character of the show, it’s fucking ludicris to try and imply that Will is not pretty much as just as important as El. And so for season three to undercut everything about that and use Will as detection device (that only gave you about 15 seconds warning) and have his actual emotional storyline dropped in the 4th episode and only come up again in the sense of refusing to even hear apologies from Lucas or Mike, is the epitome of bullshit.

I’m just going to start off here by saying, I like El, I do. BUT- I’m very aware that El is a victim of her surroundings. She doesn’t have much of her own personality, she has from the beginning allowed herself to simply accept what other people tell her and do that. Say that, repeat it. The Best Time for El as a character was with Kali and her deepest moment of like, personal reflection is when she said no to going with Kali because she needed to go back to Hawkins and save her friends. That really set up a lot of really good growth for El, the idea she was becoming her own person and that she could move forward as herself, who she is, who she wants to be. And I understand the trauma behind her and why she has such an unstable sense of self but it was still disappointing to watch her revert back to following by example in her personal life while continuously forced to be seen as leader in any situation. She follows Mike’s example in the beginning, with Hopper and being super obnoxious but she’s also very quick to jump back over to Hopper’s side when addressing Mike later and burshing off what he’s trying to tell her (i.e your father threatened my life and I didn’t know how to proceed from that point and I’m sorry I lied to you) and she also word for word quotes Max a lot. Including situations which the boy she’s supposedly in love with expresses his discomfort in her. When El reveals that she’s gone into the the void and watched the boys doing whatever, Mike quickly jumps to point out that those were “against the rules” aka personal boundaries that have obviously been set between Mike and El for a reason and she shoots back that she makes her own rules, like Max said about a pretty different situation nonetheless, and invalidates what Mike is trying to say in that moment again. It also doesn’t really sit right with me that she plays dumb with Mike in that grocery store will he is clearly having trouble declaring love for her (which says a lot about how Mike feels) and then bringing it back up three months later, and using it as a justification for kissing him and declaring love towards him after he has said he didnt even remember the conversation she’s referencing from three months earlier and she does not say “I love you” she says “I love you, too.” Which is so very different, because it is her literally acknowledging that she sat there and played dumb (not didn’t understand, which is totally different, but did understand and wanted and enjoyed him struggling to say something) and they threw it back at him as a validation of their relationship- yet it was something he was unable to say to her. I think a big issue with El, is that she has somehow become somebody above being criticized for her actions. What was wrong with Mi/leven this season is not 100% an issue with Mike Wheeler, El very much had a hand in that destruction and with how the season ended, I don’t doubt that she was will  have an even larger hand in the problems going forward because El is smart, and she understands shit, but she pretends that she doesn’t when it’s works for her. Being around Hopper and to even greater extent, the things she lived through in the lab, El is very aware of how to manipulate people and it’s a behaviour she is going to have to unlearn. She might not even be completely aware of just how wrong it is but nobody is going to tell her what she’s doing because I don’t even think it’s realized that she’s doing it and fandom itself chooses to ignore that she’s done it.

And I don’t know how a show that could create the iconic character growth of Steve Harrington is also writing all these other character development blunders, full stop.

[disslve]

𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good,  so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn. 

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

 * [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. 

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years ) 

history. 

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it. 

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day. 

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy. 

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something. 

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons. 

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway. 

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade.  considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her.  roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself. 

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is. 

pen pal ??:  muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again. 

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works  

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a)  muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work 

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!! 

[daveyjacobss]

a home made of warmth | davey jacobs

french vanilla part six

reader x davey jacobs

[ modern newsies au ]

summary: you are the best home i’ve ever known, you keep me warm in the coldest of colds.

a/n: hello everyone, long time no see. sorry i keep taking writing hiatuses :(( but happy 2nd birthday to the original french vanilla!! i posted the first part on october first two years ago, and i’m trying to uphold that tradition until the series is over. i won’t exactly be doing inktober this year but i am gonna try to write more this month :) anyway, hope you guys enjoy this!! it’s a bit messy and not up to par with my personal standards for this series but i wanted it done today so badly lol, so this is what you get

(french vanilla masterlist)

__________

__________

There air was bitter. It was freezing outside, cold enough to keep people locked up in their houses, safe in a place where the wind couldn’t reach them. Despite the winter chill, Y/N was practically skipping down the street. She was going to Davey’s apartment again, supposedly to be working on the novel—but also because Sarah and Davey had been baking and ended up with more cookies than they could eat. Truthfully, she had no doubt that, if given the chance, the boys would finish off the cookies in no time. But they hadn’t offered them to the boys, they had offered them to her.

She was practically giddy, smiling to herself as she rode the elevator in Davey’s apartment building. It felt like the first time, like two years ago when they had first met and were determined to spend every waking moment together. Like two years ago, when their love had only just started blossoming and she didn’t know his mother’s name or his favorite book or which side of the bed he slept on. Like two years ago. Two whole years.

Two years was such an unbelievably long time, and yet that one year they had spent apart felt even longer than the years together. Still, it didn’t matter, because as that elevator lifted her upwards she could feel those years dissolving behind her. They were too heavy to carry, weighing her down with each step. So she let them fall. She shrugged off the weight and continued onward until she was standing in front of Davey’s door feeling like she was floating.

She had barely knocked when the door swung open, a smiling Davey greeting her. He looked the same. That first day they had met, she supposed he had looked different because she had not yet been familiarized with his face. She had yet to know what his lips felt like on hers or what it felt like to have her hands on his cheeks as he kissed her. She had yet to map out his every feature, tracing his jawline in the night as they lay facing each other, grinning. He was grinning then, and she was too, and they were just two fools standing on either side of a doorway smiling at each other. She wondered what it was like for him. Did he think she looked the same? When he looked at her was he able to keep thoughts of what they had once been at bay? Had he let go of those two years, like she had? Was he floating, too? Flying alongside her as she drifted upward into the clouds?

“Hi there,” he said, finally, a joking tone in his voice.

“Fancy seeing you here,” she replied, still smiling so bright her face sort of hurt. Good god, he was like something straight out of heaven. No one else had ever made her feel like that. He laughed at her, and led her inside, where Sarah was already eating a cookie.

“Hey!” She smiles as Y/N walked in. “Hot cocoa is on the way, just waiting for the water to boil. It’s so cold out, isn’t it?” Dreadfully cold, she thought. A type of killer cold that seeps into your bones and takes hold of you and doesn’t let go. It is oh so awfully cold outside and yet I am so warm.

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” Sarah stuck her tongue out at her, making a waving motion as if she was shooing Y/N away. Y/N laughed. Sarah smiles. Davey reached out and touched her arm to get her attention and Y/N had never, ever felt so warm.

Her and Davy worked for a bit, but they didn’t get much in. Sarah came in with the cocoa only a few minutes later and they all got distracted talking. And then Sarah and Y/N got on the topic of movies and then Davey suggested they watch one and then Y/N was sat on the couch between the two elder Jacobs siblings with a warm mug in her hands and a plate of cookies on the coffee table in front of her.

Lots of places had felt like home to Y/N over the years, but none more than this. Nothing could beat the sense of home that Davey provided, radiating light and goodness and love and warmth. God, she felt so warm.

__________

He wanted to hold her hand. She was sitting there with one hand wrapped around her mug and the other picking at the blanket Sarah had given to her, and he wanted to reach out and take her hand and not let go. He wanted it to be something natural and instinctive. He wanted it to be like before.

(Except it wasn’t. He knew that—really, he did. It was just that sometimes he would look at her and he would forget that any time had passed at all.)

He did not hold her hand. She reached for a cookie and when she was done she kept both of her hands wrapped snuggly around her mug, curling up even more with a content smile on her face. He was so absolutely in love with her. It was overwhelmingly intoxicating to be sitting next to her—even worse to have to be pretending like he didn’t love her anymore.

(Dear god, is that what she thought when she looked at him? Did she look at him and think “he doesn’t love me anymore”?)

(It didn’t actually matter, his brain told him. She doesn’t love you anymore.)

(His heart broke at the thought.)

They weren’t getting any work done, and they wouldn’t get any done because once the movie was over she would probably go home. She would go somewhere where he wasn’t and it would be home for her, but when she left she’d be taking his home with her. He was already thinking of movie suggestions when they were only halfway through the one they were watching, trying to come up with something to get her to stay longer. The apartment was brighter with her there. Sarah was so giggly and free with her there. Davey was unbelievably relived with her there, feeling like he had been holding his breath until she had come home. (Not home, he thought. Not for her.)

When the movie was over Sarah and Y/N starting talking about it together. He would have participated but he was so captivated watching her. She looked over at him with an amused grin and he smiled back at her.

He wanted to say that he was in love with her. He wanted to tell her that he had felt empty and hollow without her and that having her back was a breath of fresh air after a year of suffocating. He wanted to tell her that she was it for him, that he would never love someone as deeply and painfully as he loved her again. He wanted to tell her that his mother missed her and that his little brother thought she was the coolest and cried when she was gone. He wanted to tell her that he had never felt as happy as he did when he was with her. He wanted to tell her that just then during that movie he had wanted to hold her hand and hadn’t and he should have. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and that nothing else mattered because that love would be consuming him from the inside out for the rest of his life.

But he knew better, so instead he just asked: “Do you wanna watch another movie?”

__________

She was hazy with warmth and sleepiness. The movie ended and she slugged her way through a conversation with Sarah, trying to wake herself up while also basking in the comfort. She turned to Davey when she realized how quiet he had been, smiling to hide a laugh as she caught a glimpse of his zoned-out face. He grinned back at her. She thought about how she wouldn’t mind staring at him for the rest of her life.

“Do you wanna watch another movie?”

She tried to say yes, anything I can do to spend more time wrapped in the warmth you don’t even know you radiate. She tried to to say yes, because I will do anything you ever want, all you need do is ask. She tried to say that she loved him with all of her heart and that he made her feel warm after a year of frostbite. She tried to say that she didn’t want to go back to her apartment because right there with him was the only home she would ever need. She tried to say that she still dreamed about him and that she still caught herself leaving spaces in her life where he should be. She tried to say that she was fairly sure he had ruined love for her because there could be nobody else after him, nobody who would be able to follow him. She tried to say that it was so very cold outside but he made her feel warm and safe and like she was floating and she wanted to spend the rest of her life flying by his side.

But it came out as: “Sure, got any in mind?”

__________

It was dark when Y/N left Davey’s apartment. Sarah followed soon after, leaving her brother with a kiss on his cheek and a knowing smile. Sometimes Davey thought he told her too much, given her teasing and mischievous tendencies, but he trusted her more than anyone else in the world. She was the only one who knew about him and Y/N rekindling their friendship, and he wanted to keep it that way. The boys’ reactions would be....unpredictable, and whatever it was he had with Y/N was still uncharted and rocky territory. He was terrified to take one wrong step, make one wrong move.

(She doesn’t love you anymore.)

Jack got home late in the night, paint stains on his hands and a scarf wrapped around his neck. They talked for a bit before Davey retired to his room and Jack went to the kitchen to get something to eat. If Jack knew what Davey was doing—hanging out with Y/N again, giving himself hope for what could be—he would freak. Jack had been furious when it all went down, angry at Y/N for hurting Davey. And he wouldn’t listen to Davey, either, about how it was his fault. Jack wouldn’t have any of it. He placed the blame on Y/N and allowed himself to be sour about it. Davey had eventually given up on fighting Jack about it, convinced he would never see her again anyway.

(She doesn’t love you anymore.)

Sometimes he thought Jack had been angry purely because he had needed to channel his emotions into something he could understand. Jack had liked Y/N a lot, Davey knew that. He knew that it didn’t take long before Jack had started considering Y/N one of his closest friends. And then she was gone, and Davey was a wreck, and so Jack did what he did best and got mad and painted and acted like a child because he had too much emotion running through him to process it like an adult. Davey loved him for it, but it was slightly terrifying to think of how Jack would react if he found out Y/N had been sitting on his couch earlier that day.

(She doesn’t love you anymore.)

He laid in bed with his phone in his hand, debating whether he should text her or if that was coming on too strong after spending the day together. He hated having to deal with all these small formalities and anxieties again, as if there hadn’t been a time where they knew each other inside and out. Thinking about all of it was strange. He was scared of how his friends would react, but he couldn’t even imagine how would react if he could go back in time and tell himself from just a few months ago that he would be letting Y/N back in, offering himself up to broken again. He might have cried, though from joy or sadness or relief he didn’t know. Y/N L/N had a talent for making him feel things he didn’t quite understand. He supposed that’s what made it so easy to understand Jack in that respect, to understand that there was no real malice behind Jack’s anger—just a boy with too many feelings to handle.

(She doesn’t love you anymore.)

He loved Y/N with all his heart. But sometimes he wondered if would be better to just quit while he was ahead, to just end it on a high and never look back. He would certainly save himself the heartbreak. He could avoid the crying and the hurt and the friends and family not knowing how to comfort him, if he really wanted to. But he could also show up to his parents house holding her hand and watch as they hugged her joyously. He could take her with him to meet Les and watch as his brother’s face lit up. He could bring her to a gathering with all his friends and maybe, just maybe, see them welcome her back with open arms. He could wrap his arms around her and never let her go and always feel at home. He could.

But he wouldn’t, because it didn’t matter how much he loved her. She didn’t love him anymore.

__________

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[kadywicker]

a snippet from @monsternobility and i’s role-swap fic, but this stands alone fairly well from the point of aziraphale as well. it’s after their 1862 breakup.

we figured we’d post this for everyone that seems interested, since we won’t be publishing this monster until it’s done (it’s currently somewhere in the 40k range).

(also: yes that’s not the date they were in paris in the show, but neil admitted he’d gotten the date wrong as the bastille wouldn’t have been operating at the time dated in the show)

under the cut is the transcript for anyone that needs it

October 25th, 1917

My Beloved,

It has been some time - very nearly forty years, now that I consider it fully. I have written and discarded at least a dozen letters; none of them have been quite adequate enough to capture what I mean. In truth not a second goes by that I do not think of you. 

Do you remember, my dear, that night we spent in Paris? There could be said that there was almost something in the air that night, some sort of strange quality to the water, the very soil beneath our feet; but, then, being around you always seems to bring that feeling. It must have been- 1788, yes, you brought me out of the Bastille. We went for crepes and wine, and afterwards fell into bed together. It was all rather lovely. I seem to recall having done something to earn your ire, though what it was I still today cannot say. But that remains beside the point. I merely realized that I had never apologized. 

I’ve realized there are several instances of such misunderstandings that I have never apologized for. Yet again, I know not what I have done to drive us apart this time, though surely it must have been something to anger you terribly. I do not have it in me to shroud my words in double entendre and subtlety tonight. The fact of the matter is: I miss you- in a quite simple, desperate human way; I miss you more than I had believed possible, and the desire to see you once again is stronger than any I have felt before. Your company, your voice, the way your eyes alight when you smile, the gleam of sunlight off your hair. Most clearly I remember your eyes, your soft skin, the delicate press of your lips and the way your lashes flutter in ecstasy.

I have been running about with all manner of men; mad men, poets, politicians, kings and noblemen, and yet none of them compare to the light of your countenance. My life seems dull and gray without you in it; I am in America, now, you have driven me to this. The Americans are a terribly uncouth people. Not even the truly extraordinary amounts of fun they manufacture isn’t enough to make me forgive them for it. 

I would like to think that you are perfectly safe. That you have, perhaps, returned Home. Unfortunately, I am afraid I have known you for too long and too dear to think you would stand by and watch whilst the humans destroy themselves. I have seen the soldiers returned from war to their loved ones; some of them in tears and sweet embraces, others in boxes. I know well that you and I need not fear of any such earthly death and yet still the thought fills me with a sort of dread heretofore unknown to me. Do try not to get caught up in the thick of it, won’t you?

My darling heart, my better nature, my soul’s mate- I pray (ironic, is it not?) this letter will find you safe, and I do so fervently, ardently apologize for all that I have done that would cause you to turn from me. You will know where to find me, should you wish to rekindle our friendship.

All My Love,

Love,

Yours, Always,

-A

[itskiah]

An autumn leaf has no control, it sways in whichever direction the wind leads it. All the other leaves have fallen and now its just one leaf trying to hold on to the tree with all it's might. It is afraid to fall like the others, even though it's uncomfortable with the constant twisting and turning of the wind. The tree has become unwelcome, and uninterested in the leaf. It no longer provides the leaf with the nutrients it needs to be strong and green. The leaf is meant to fall, to cut ties with the tree, to wither away and seep into the ground and grow into something else, something stronger. Lately I've been reminded of who I used to be. A sad, lonely leaf afraid to fall. I had friends, if you want to call them that. They were mean and cold and never took accountability for the things they did to me. They made me feel small, unloved, and unworthy. They even pretended to plot my death once. And all because I tried so badly to be like them, to be with them. It wasn't my fault I was so unhappy, so uncomfortable in my skin. There was nothing I could do about it, it was just how I was born and how I was forced to live. I would tell them that each time I was upset. Tell them it's not their fault either and I'm so sorry for upsetting them. I would stalk their social media pages and see that they were all hanging out without me. Then I started to text them that I wanted to hurt myself, or that I had an allergic reaction just to see if they would answer, if they cared. I remember one time they all sat me down for an intervention. They harshly told me I'm not the victim and I was the reason I was so miserable, and that they were becoming miserable because of me. They told me they didn't want to be friends with me if I didn't change. I tried to point out all of the things they did and said that made me feel the way I did, but they didn't hear it. They debunked everything I said, told me I made it all up.  I cried, I cut, I felt ashamed. But despite this I still longed to be a part of the group, I pretended I was okay, but each time I left them I'd be overwhelmed with anxiety, convince myself I wasn't worth their friendships. Then the next day I would make damn sure I was at the pool with them all, I resented them, but if I didn't have them what did I have? I couldn't wait to go to college. A fresh start with people who don't know me, people who would see the real me. I'd see all the girls in the hallway and wish I could be like them. Unapologetic and popular, magnetic really. I'd hear them outside my door getting ready to go to parties, but they never invited me. "Why? I know I'm shy but all I need is for someone to give me a chance." But I did make some friends after all, we would be living together in a quad the following year. But these girls didn't care for the parties like I did, so even with them I felt out of place. Sophomore year I was finally invited, finally given a chance. I went to a party and I remember watching all the boys hitting on the girls as I continuously pulled my shirt higher to hide my cleavage. Why weren't they looking at me? I know I'm not pretty but am I really that ugly? I knew I shouldn't have worn that shirt it made my chest look too big and my arms looked fat and standing next to these girls really brought that out, There I was the designated fat friend there to make everyone else look better by comparison. I remember sitting on the bed in the dorm room when a girl grabbed my hand to dance. She told me one of her guy friends was looking at me, I didn't even notice. She introduced me and he asked to dance but I wouldn't let him touch my hips, he would feel my fat. He told me I was beautiful I told him he was lying. Then we stopped talking and he left with one of the "pretty girls." A few weeks later was my birthday and one of the "pretty girls" wanted to throw me a party. I didn't show because she wouldn't tell me who was coming. She told me that I was being disrespectful and that I didn't appreciate all that she had done and she stopped speaking to me. I apologized incessantly "it's just my anxiety I can't help it." We never rekindled that "friendship." Which I knew all along would happen because she never truly understood me. I thought my roommates did but they even started to show they didn't care, they stopped asking me about my vague posts on twitter and facebook. One time they even told me that what I posted was obviously about them and that "I make everything about me." Why can't anyone understand how hard it is to be me? To feel what I feel? A few days after my birthday I snuck out of my college dorm and got in my car. I had every intention to drive into a tree. Before I took off I listened to a voicemail from my aunt and cousins singing me happy birthday. I called my mom and told her I didn't want to be alive anymore. Although I had had these thoughts before, I decided this was it.  I posted on twitter and facebook that I wanted to leave this "earth." None of my "friends" replied, just a girl I worked with who didn't even know me. I was right, I knew they didn't care. Then I put the car in reverse and started driving. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that there were plenty of roads near my school where I could easily shut my eyes, and hit the gas until I crashed. Through the tears I remember thinking "they'll be sorry now." But I couldn't do it. Something inside me was afraid. "Of course even I would fail at this." It took me a while to realize that I couldn't follow through that night because I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to seek some sort of revenge on "them." I turned the car around, still crying and pulled into the parking spot I left from 20 min prior. My roommates were there waiting, they jumped in the car and hugged me as I sobbed. When we got back to our room, I checked my phone and had several missed calls from my mom and several private messages on facebook and twitter. People do care. After that day I became determined to start my journey  to prove "them" wrong. To show "them" all that I was worthy of all the good that life has to offer. I begun deep diving into myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors. I realized that the people in my past had a point. People in my past were not trying to hurt me, they were trying to save me. I convinced myself for so long that I was the victim and "they" were the perpetrators. But "they" were just a figment of my creation. People in my past did not say that I was the ugly, fat friend, I did.  People in my past didn't tell me that something was wrong with me, I did. So if "they" were really just my inner thoughts I didn't have to prove anyone wrong but myself. And so the journey's purpose changed. Once "they" held less power, my true personality emerged. Other's began to flock to me, I began to see myself and accept myself for the things that I am (good, bad, and the ugly.) I became an unapologetic "pretty girl." I don't need anyone else to love me as long as I love me. Realizing I held the power all along was terrifying yet amazing. I am not a victim. I am not just a leaf twisting in the wind. I am a strong and flawed woman and I matter in this world. Now the leaf has become a tree. beautiful and full of leaves. This tree has now begun to understand the tree it fell from all those years ago and whispers "thank you" in the wind. This tree nurtures it's many leaves until they are ready to fall and become their own trees

[writing-realityawayfromreality]

After all these Years

“Promise me that you will hold onto this. As long as you have this you will never be alone, I’ll be right there with you.” “Mat...” “As long as you have this no one will ever be able to hurt you. As long as you have this, we will always be friends.” Mat said handing you the bracelet. “I love it Mat.”

*Past*

You looked down at the bracelet on your wrist, he had just gotten back from one of his very first camps for hockey. It was a simple bracelet, not to mention it was your favorite color which just so happened to be his as well. You shook your head wiping away the tears that had swelled. It’s just a memory now. You thought seeing as though you and Mat were little kids who were best friends growing up, that was until hockey became his life and he rarely had time for you. 

You could never admit it to his face but you had the hugest crush on him back in the day, and no matter how much you tried to deny it, you still did. That’s why you still have all your photos together in a photo album on your bookcase  along with all the notes and tickets from his games not to mention you still wore the bracelet. You always thought that you two would end up together, at least that’s what both of your parents thought. 

But as time went on he kind of out grew you, he started hanging out with jocks while you had your little group of friends. He basically ignored you throughout high school, only stopping once or twice to give a little smile but never anything more. He had talked to you during your senior prom, only to be pulled away by his date to which you had encountered her as well as her friend in the bathroom later that night. You went home and cried yourself to sleep replaying the words his date said to you. “Stay away from Mat, you hear me? pretty people only hang out with pretty people, we don’t associate with your type of people. Mat feels sorry for you. He said that you’re like a lost puppy following him around. If I didn’t know any better I would say that you’re a bit of a stalker.” For the rest of the year you got called stalker girl.  You didn’t know when you’re friendship with Mat ended but you knew after that night you never wanted to talk to him again. That was until graduation...

His parents caught up with you and asked to take a picture of you two together, for old times sake. He had told you that he missed you and wished he had gotten to spend more time with you. He had told you that he was getting drafted and more than likely going to New York, you both had laughed as you told him that you got accepted into NYU. He had made a joke saying that it was fate trying to keep you two close. 

You had moved out to New York around the time Mat been drafted to the Islanders. Although being in the same state you two never ran into each other, that was until one night in your junior year you had decided to go out with friends to a bar. There was  a group of young men sitting in a booth at the bar who happened to buy you and your friends drinks, you were flattered but by the third round you had enough and felt the need to thank them but ask them to stop. You walked up to the table, locking eyes with Mat. “Y/N?” He asked. Before you could answer you had turned around and headed towards the doors, texting your friends that you were going to head home since you needed to get up early for classes the next day. 

You were waiting for a taxi when you felt a hand grab your arm. Reaching in your purse for your pepper spray you came face to face with Mat. “Hey, don’t leave just because it’s me.” Mat said. “I... I need to get some sleep, i have an early class tomorrow.” you stuttered. “y/n...” Mat began. “Mat, I need to go.” you said flagging down a taxi. “Alright, alright. Well, if you ever find the time, come to one of my games?” Mat asked handing you some tickets to that weekends game. “No promises.” you said taking the tickets and getting into the taxi. 

You and your friend ended up going to the game that weekend. Towards the end of the game security had come down to your seats and asked you to follow them. They led you and your friend down towards the locker rooms, you were able to watch the rest of the game from the glass at the ice. After the post game interviews were over you saw Mat walk out of the locker room and in your direction. “I’m glad you could make it y/n...” Mat said. “You guys played a really good game, thanks for inviting us.” your friend piped in. “You wanna meet some of the guys?” Mat asked her. She nodded to which Mat had called Anthony over to take her to meet some of the guys who were coming out of the locker room. 

“You guys really did a good job, I missed watching you play.” You said thinking back to when you would go to all his practices. “I missed having my number one cheerleader there watching me.” He responded causing you to blush. “So, do you usually carry around tickets to your games?” You asked, now it was his turn to blush. “No... I kinda looked you up on Instagram and saw that you usually went to that bar, so i asked some of the guys to come with me in hopes you would show up.” Mat said running his hands through his hair.  

After that night you and Mat started to rekindle your friendship, it was just like old times, that was until he got his girlfriend. You could tell right away that she was more into the fact he was an NHLer. None of the WAGS really liked her, well at least that’s what your friend told you since she was dating Tito. You had expressed your concerns to Mat multiple times but he was too caught up in her, in fact you two had gotten into a huge fight once because of her that you two had stopped talking for a few months. At that point you had packed up all your photo albums and had taken off the bracelet placing all the things in a box leaving it sit in the corner of one of your rooms. That was until Mat came to your place crying saying that they had broken up. that she had cheated with another player in the NHL. Mat had fallen asleep on your couch that night. A week later they were back together.

*present*

You heard a faint knock on the door. Getting up you opened your door, already knowing who it was going to be. You came face to face with a red eyed puffy face Mat. Stepping aside you let Mat in. It was the third time this month that him and his so called girlfriend had broken up. You had a whole lot of things that you wanted to say to him but you knew that it was pointless. Grabbing some beers you headed to where Mat was sitting on your couch. “It’s over for good this time y/n. I promise.” Mat said taking the beer from you. “Good, because if not I think i would need to run to the liquor store.” You said trying to lighten the mood. 

“Is it okay if I stay here tonight, she suppose to be getting her stuff and leaving tomorrow. I just don’t think that I could face her.” Mat asked resting his head on your shoulder. “of course.” was all you said. You and Mat sat in silence, just drinking away. You wanted to tell Mat how you felt but it just never felt like the right time, especially now since you both were on your third bottle of beer. “How could I had been so stupid... I should had seen it. She was always liking and following all the other guys Instagram accounts and pictures. She would even message a few of them. And when i would confront her she would just say that I was being paranoid.” Mat began. “Mat, it’s not your fault, she was smart and knew what she wanted. Love can make us blind sometimes.” you said running your hands through his hair. 

“I just don’t get it, I tried to give her everything and it just was never enough. I was never enough...” “Matthew Barzal, don’t you ever say that again, you are more than enough. You have so many qualities that many guys your age don’t have.” You said sitting up and looking at him. “why are you so nice to me?” Mat asked looking you in the eyes. “Because we’re friends... Listen, it’s late, why don’t you get some sleep and I’ll cook you some breakfast in the morning before practice?” You asked collecting the empty bottles and heading to the kitchen. You kicked the box that was sitting in the corner near the trashcan, looking down you remembered it was the box containing yours and Mat’s photos, sighing you headed to your room to get Mat some pillows and a blanket before crawling into your own bed. 

You woke up to the sound of pots and pans clattering, rubbing your eyes you got up and walked into the kitchen. You saw Mat standing there looking through the box. You cleared your throat as you entered the kitchen. Mat looked up before placing the lid back on the box. “Sorry, I was trying to take trash and recycling out and thought this box was trash...” You just nodded and looked over at the stove see that he had pulled out some pots and pans in order to make breakfast. 

Mat had opened the box back up as you began making breakfast for the two of you. You turned around seeing that he had pulled out the photo album. “Oh my gosh, look at the two of us. We were so cute.” Mat said as you just smiled. The next thing that he had pulled out was all the notes you two had sent each other. “You kept all these? Why?” Mat asked reading through some of them. “I don’t know.” you lied. It was silent for a while, you thought that maybe he was still reading the notes since your back was turned to him. It was too silent for too long so you finally turned around to see Mat standing right behind you holding the bracelet. “You still have this, after all these years...” Mat said. “Yeah.” was all you could muster. 

“y/n, I’m so sorry for how I acted in high school, I was a total jerk and basically dropped you...” Mat said. “It’s fine.” you said not making eye contact. “No, it’s not. There’s a reason that you kept all these things. I made a promise to you when we were kids that as long as you wore this no one could hurt you. Little did I know I was going to be the one that did. I didn’t stop people from picking on you. I didn’t protect you... Senior year, when all those kids were calling you stalker girl... I didn’t stand up for you. I left you, never thinking twice about my actions.” Mat said. “Mat, really, It’s okay. i’m fine, we are fine.” 

“After all these years and we still can’t admit our feelings for one another....” Mat said. “What?” You choked out. “I love you y/n. I know that I never acted like it as we got older but I wanted better for you. someone who wasn’t going to leave you one day. Someone who would have a stable career in one area so you could get married and have kids some day. I acted like a jerk so you would like someone else. so that you would get over me and move on.” Mat blurted out. 

“I... I don’t...” you stuttered. “Come on y/n, you kept these things, that’s gotta mean that you still have some feelings for me. Listen the reason that I dated other girls was to try to get over never being good enough for you.” Mat said grabbing both your arms. “what do I say Mat, that I love you? Because I do, I never stopped, not when you dropped me in high school, not when we hadn’t seen each other in years and not when you were dating other people. I wore that bracelet ever since you had given it to me, up until our latest fight. I prayed and wished on everything that one day we would be together, just like our parents had hopped.” you said. 

“Well, this is me standing in front of you asking, do you still wish that?” Mat asked closing the gap between you two. “I... I don’t know, I think.” you said as you felt Mat’s lips brush against your before connecting. the kiss  was everything that you had dreamed. “I do.” You said breaking away from the kiss. “Y/n, would you like to go on a date?” Mat asked. “Mat are you sure this is what you want? you just got out of a relationship...” You begun. “That relationship was over the first time she cheated on me. Listen y/n, no matter what happens we will always remain friends. I love you too much to lose you.” Mat said.

You agreed to go on the date and you are so glad that you did. It was the best date you had ever been on. Mat had taken you on a date once a week for two months before asking you to be his girlfriend. Of course you said yes, you couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Once you two decided to make it official you posted a picture on instagram with the caption “After all these years.” and of course you made sure that you had worn the bracelet every day since the first kiss you two had in the kitchen that one day. 

[marmolady]

Like Old Times

Book/Series: Endless Summer

Main Pairings: Estela x MC/Taylor (f)

Summary: Post-ending (Rourke ending). Set after my previous Rourke ending fics, but probably easy enough to follow without reading them first. 

With attempts to rekindle the friendships lost met with minimal success, Taylor is in desperate need of a night off. No worrying about what she doesn’t have, just appreciating her small victories in the face of Rourke’s plans for her. But the boat dance might just stir memories in places she hadn’t expected...

Word Count: 7556

Warnings: the usual. Bit of coarse language and sexual references.

Reviews and reblogs are hugely appreciated!

Tagging: @brightpinkpeppercorn @sceptilemasterr @bbaba-yagaa@edgydepressedchoicesthot@blightarts@princessstellaris@acidsugar0@taramitch96 @sapphovonchat @strangerofbraidwood@noeschoices @queerchoicesblog@kennaxval@queerchoicesblog@mrsmontoya @saivilo @mind-reader1 @ezramitchells

The sounds, the scents, the images of the pristine beaches surrounding The Celestial took hold of Estela as she carefully managed her breathing. In her meditative state, it was where she always ended up… the thoughts that overcrowded her tired mind fell away, and it was just peace. Her time on La Huerta had been chaotic, but had also given her the nearest thing to the opposite of that- something close to tranquility, that she’d ever known. It was her happy place. Cross-legged on the couch in their Hartfeld apartment, she might as well be miles away.

In the background, Taylor was helping Diego with his outfit for the boat dance, the social event of the season. They would all be going- at least, as far as she could tell. It had taken some convincing to get Zahra on board, but if all she was ready to contribute to their mission was just to passively be there, then she’d need to passively be there when it mattered. Taylor was convinced that the more they spent time together publicly, as friends, the more memories would trickle back to those as yet beyond her reach. And so, she’d resigned herself to doing Zahra’s share of the housework for the next month as payment for her cooperation.

“Are you sure I’m not gonna be the only guy in a suit?”

“Diego, it’s a dance. I’m pretty sure it’s semi-formal affair. You’re gonna look very dapper.”

Taylor hugged him. That he was brave enough to go along to an event that would no doubt be brimming with happy couples, in spite of how much he ached for Varyyn, said a lot. Diego really was something special.

“Well, that’s me sorted. You might want to bring Estela back to the land of the living, it looks like she’s falling asleep.”

“Yeah…”

It had come as a great relief to Taylor that Estela had found a way of easing the storm in her mind; she hated to disturb her. She did, however, have her own special way of gently doing so. Reaching out with her mind rarely worked except with receptive Vaanti, but with the receiver in a meditative trance, it seemed she could manage a sort of crude one-way communication. She closed her eyes, and focused, sending out imagery like a radio signal.

Diego watched intently. “What are you saying?”

“It doesn’t really work like that… it’s not like with Varyyn. It’s kinda… vague and wordless. A feeling. Like a weird, fluffy mind hug.”

“So, you’re not, like, sending her mind sexts?”

Taylor snorted; her concentration broken. “Diego! Get that head of yours out of the gutter!”

Slowly, Estela blinked back into the present, and stretched out her arms. “…Hey.”

“Hey. I just thought you might want to start getting ready. We’ll have to make a move in half an hour.”

It took a moment for Estela to recall, deep as she’d been within herself. “Oh, that dance you’re dragging us along to.”

Taylor made air quotation marks as she spoke. “Yeah, ‘dragging’. You can’t pretend to me that you haven’t been looking forward to it, just a little…”

To be honest, Estela wasn’t sure how she felt. It would be awfully reminiscent of the times they’d all shared on La Huerta, celebrating together in defiance of everything that kept on trying to crush them. But it wouldn’t be like that this time. Most of her friends were far out of reach, and to see it starkly before her would not exactly be enjoyable. Taylor was convinced that the opportunity to let loose would be good for them all, and Estela trusted her judgement. She was determined to have fun, to forget about… everything… just for one night. It was what Taylor needed after being a supportive rock not just for Estela, but for Diego and Zahra as well. However hard it might be, Estela would make sure her wife had the breath of fresh air that she so deserved. She shrugged.

“Fine. I’ll admit it; just a little.” Letting herself be pulled onto her feet, Estela pecked a kiss to Taylor’s cheek. “I guess I better go get dressed…”

______________________________

The boat was heaving when Taylor’s party arrived.

Zahra winced. “You’re gonna want to point me towards the booze, because I will not survive this sober…”

Taylor whipped around, and handed her a Dark ‘n’ Stormy. “I’ve already got you covered, babe!”

“Call me that again and I’ll cut you.” Zahra took a swig and forced a smile. “But thanks, I guess.”

A face in the crowd drew Estela’s attention; pale, surrounded by long mane of russet. Quinn stumbled away from the dance floor, and sat down on one of the plush seats around the edge, fingers visibly digging into the cushion even at a distance. Instinctively, Estela glanced around for Taylor, someone rather better at offering friendly overtures than she herself was. But now, she was nowhere to be seen- lost in the sea of students.

Estela approached cautiously, going over in her mind what she might say. She’d talked to Quinn just the once since Rourke had implemented Project Janus, and it had been brief. To the demure redhead, she was good as a stranger. At least on La Huerta, there had been no need for awkward ‘getting to know you’ nonsense. Estela had focused on survival, on succeeding in her mission, and the friendships developed naturally, born of the experiences they’d shared. Shit, where was Cetus when you needed him? They’d have gathered together, kicked his scaly ass, and bada-bing bada-boom, they’d come out of it as friends… none of this awkward reaching out. Pulling herself together, Estela sat down beside Quinn. Should she smile? Quinn looked ill… surely, she shouldn’t look amused by that? But if she didn’t, would her serious gaze make Quinn nervous…? Where the hell was Taylor when she needed her?

“Hi,” she said quietly, at long last. “I just thought…” She cleared her throat. “I wanted to make sure you were all right… you don’t look so good. Can I do anything?”

Quinn smiled weakly. “Someone’s already getting me a glass of water.” Her eyes flickered over Estela’s earnest face. “You’ve probably got people to be with… but, if you don’t, I… I’d really like the company.”

The brunette sidled closer, by way of an answer.

“It’s Estela, right?”

A nod. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. How have you… how have you been?” The last time Estela had encountered Quinn, she’d found her to be frighteningly weak, everything about her had just been tired. Now, she was clearly not healthy by any means, but she lacked the heavy rings around her eyes.

“Actually, I’ve been good. I’ve been sick for a long time, but recently… it feels like I have a reason to feel hopeful. Right now, though? I guess the movement of the boat’s making me queasy. I’ve been on a treatment for a little while; it’s helping me, but my body’s fragile.”

“If you’re prone to seasickness, maybe going to a boat dance wasn’t the best choice of social event for you to make your comeback on…”

With a hollow laugh, Quinn shook her head. “’Comeback’ kind of implies that I’d ever really been fit for these parties. I just hoped… this new treatment, you know, that I might finally catch up on everything I missed out on growing up.” Realising she was talking to a near stranger, her cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry! You came out for a good time; you don’t want to listen to this. You barely know me…”

“No. But I’d like to.” Hesitantly, Estela put her hand on Quinn’s arm, and to her relief, the action was met with a grateful smile. “If it helps, I’ve never really done stuff like this either. I met someone, not long ago; she’s shown me a lot of things I didn’t think I’d ever experience. What I’m trying to say is… you might feel like you’re, you know… different, but things can get better, and you’re not…”

“…Alone?”

“You’re not alone.”

Quinn studied Estela thoughtfully. She’d called herself a ‘friend’, and although Quinn couldn’t place her, she was certain that she knew the serious-eyed brunette from somewhere. Estela must have made an impression, for her face had cropped up in strange dreams. The new medication came with vivid dreams as a side-effect, but it struck Quinn as odd that vaguely familiar faces just kept coming up. A sharp, sudden pain made her gasp.

“Quinn! Are you…?” Estela’s eyes grew wide in alarm.

At that moment, Michelle returned. Immediately drawn back to Quinn who was clearly in distress, clutching her forehead, it barely registered that Estela was there too. “Is it your head?”

Quinn winced and nodded. “I think that water’s exactly what I need; thank you.”

Michelle handed her the glass, and began to gently rub her back. “Just take little sips, all right? Are you sure you don’t want to get back on dry land? It’s just a dance; there’ll be others.”

A sad cast of shadow seemed to flit across Quinn’s eyes, and her cheeks puffed as her lips formed a small pout. Of course, no one could understand what this meant to her; they didn’t have a clue…

“You shouldn’t miss out,” Estela said, causing Michelle to flinch, truly noticing her presence for the first time. Though the reaction was hurtful, she let it go. “This is important to you. Maybe, if you did have to leave the boat, we could keep you company. I dunno… have our own party.” She glanced away the second she’d made the suggestion, doubting herself, but looked back again, knowing that she owed Quinn that she at least try. “It’s gotta be better than sitting around feeling like you’ll hurl your guts.”

For a moment, Michelle’s mouth hung open, as if in preparation to protest, but she floundered. Estela, that quiet, scarred creep, looked at her expectantly. Who the hell did she think she was to put her in that position? Then she looked at Quinn, and something within her was stirred. A protective instinct. Was it just the doctor in her? She would, of course, be a natural. But it wasn’t just that… it was almost familial, the need to care. Who was Quinn, anyway? And who was Estela?

The words formed before Michelle could even comprehend why she was speaking them; “She’s right. You’re not about to just sit here sick and miserable, not on my watch. Let’s got you back on dry land- at least for now. You’re going to have a good time tonight if it kills me!”

_____________________________

Taylor sat herself down with a drink in her hand, taking in the buzzing atmosphere on the boat, having lost Diego to the appetiser table. She felt a sad pang at the sight of Raj at the centre of a bustling, laughing cluster of revellers. Sean and Craig were there too, magnets for the university’s popular crowd. It was a world where Taylor was unwelcome, and as much as she wanted to go running over and put her arms around her friends, they weren’t on La Huerta anymore. She shook her head. No; she wasn’t going to get hung up over all that. This should be a party party, not a pity party.

“Are you okay, Taylor?”

When she looked up, there was Grace, her face a picture of kind concern.

“Grace, hi!” Taylor beamed, and scooched over, inviting her friend to join her. “It’s… really good to see you. Finally letting your hair down, with exams finished?”

Grace smiled, right to her eyes. “It’s really good to see you, too. I’ve been meaning to catch you for ages; it’s just… sometimes I think I’ll drown from the pressure. From everything. Tonight… it’s one of the first times I’ve let myself switch off for so long. I feel as though I’ve been holding my breath for months, and I was just so used to it I didn’t notice.”

Taylor put an arm around her. She’d tried to be there for Grace, but through all her attempts to connect, she’d felt as though she was just another burden. “Well, take a deep breath; you’ve earned it. And… before you go back under, do you wanna hang out?”

The two girls leaned on the boat’s edge, looking out at the water, sparkling in the moonlight. Taylor hadn’t expected this -Grace was not one to frequent social events. Grace’s amiable nature made her someone with whom Taylor had been able to easily form a comfortable acquaintance, but moving beyond that had been challenging.

“You look really gorgeous tonight,” Taylor said, admiring the glittering violet dress Grace was wearing. The whole time they were on La Huerta, she never saw her dress up like this.

“You too!” Grace replied brightly. “My mom bought it for me. I was supposed to be going along to this gala a few months ago.” She sighed. “It didn’t last long before I realised, I was there only as another sparkling accessory. Tonight, I’m wearing this for me. Who knows when I’ll give myself another night off?”

“Good for you. Between you and me, I think you’re absolutely rocking it.”

Grace laughed. It was true, she’d been missing out. Desperate as she was to meet the lofty expectations she was held to, there had been no time for friends. And Taylor, she’d realised, was a wonderful, wonderful friend. More than that, there was something there… something mysterious that was beginning to fall together.

“It’s funny, Taylor,” she said. “When I’m with you, sometimes I feel like I could be a whole other person; courageous, someone who would take on the world, someone who her friends could always rely on.”

“Grace… that’s always been you.”

Grace glanced away shyly, her cheeks flushing. “No one’s ever seen me in that way. I know my mother never has. For so long, I’ve been afraid that no one would ever truly see me, believe in who I am. You barely know me, but somehow, I feel like there’s so much beneath the surface. Perhaps some people were always meant to be friends!”

Her heart thumping wildly, Taylor put her arms around her dear friend in a gentle hug. Can’t you see that you know me? Everything we overcame together? Don’t you remember?

“I believe it. Some people you just can’t help but be drawn to.”

“…Taylor? Can I tell you something… strange?” Grace bit her lip nervously. This was something she’d not dared talk about, not to anyone. It was all so fantastical, almost beyond belief. “I know you won’t laugh at me.”

“Of course.” Taylor’s breath caught in her throat. Was this… did she…?

“I’ve had dreams. The same nightmares over and over; every night after I’d talked to you- sometimes even if I only saw you. It made me afraid of you, and I’m sorry. I knew all along that you only wanted to be a friend, and I so badly needed a friend…”

Taylor gave her hand a squeeze, trying to be reassuring, even though adrenaline was surging through her own body. “Oh, honey, don’t apologize! That would make anyone nervous…”

With a weak smile, Grace continued. “First I dreamed the same thing over and over… I was kept prisoner in this cell, all alone. There were guards… guards with metal armour… I never saw their faces. But what was frightening was that it felt real. I’d never had dreams so vivid. And they wouldn’t fade from my memory in the way dreams should do. It was the opposite, in fact. I’d get flashes, more and more, even after I’d woken up, as if I was remembering something that had really happened to me. Well, I was terrified of going back to that place… so cold, so lonely, so I avoided you. Until that day when you were looking for Estela… that night I dreamed it all again, but this time, I kept dreaming… and you rescued me. You… your friends, some other people I recognised and knew I knew… but it was you, clear as day. It was then that I realised that I need never be afraid of you; whatever these dreams -or are they memories?- whatever they’re trying to tell me, I knew you’d understand, that you’d want to help me.”

Her mouth dry, Taylor struggled to find the words. “We’ve all had dreams like that. Estela, Diego, Zahra… I’m sure the others have too.” She automatically glanced back to the dance floor, to where Sean, Michelle, Raj and Craig were laughing together. They had to be remembering something by now. “And I think, I mean, I know… they’re memories. Of a life we should have shared. I know it sounds crazy-“

“It does,” said Grace steadily. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen them myself. I kept on dreaming, you see. It was though I’d passed through a barrier and the memories could suddenly reach me. I kept a journal beside my bed, and wrote down everything I saw, everything I felt.” She gave a bashful smile. “I was very close to Aleister, wasn’t I? I’ve been too nervous to speak to him when I see him in classes, but sometimes our eyes will meet and something so happy bubbles up inside me.”

Taylor could scarcely dare to believe what she was hearing. Grace, her gentle, brilliant Grace, had opened that wonderful mind of hers and seen the truth of everything. With a weak laugh, Taylor nodded. “Yes, you and Aleister. You were such a pair. He so badly needed someone like you in his life. Do you… do you remember what happened?”

The relief that she was not, in fact, losing her mind showed on Grace’s face. The final pieces of the puzzle fell into place. “It was Everett Rourke, wasn’t it? He used technology beyond anything ever seen before… he used it to unravel time itself, to bend it to his will. It’s why he’s the Emperor today. Taylor… it’s all true? Everything I’ve seen in my head? My friends… our friends?”

“It’s true,” Taylor confirmed, voice hushed and threatening to crack with emotion. A tear fell from her cheek. “You’re a hero, Grace. Fighting to save the world. There was so much we could have never done without you.” She choked back a sob. “I’ve missed you so much…”

“I’ve missed you too. When it all started to come back, I felt so empty, like I’d been missing something important. All this time it was you… all of you…” Suddenly, she simultaneously laughed and spluttered with tears, and pulled Taylor into a tight hug. Not only was she not going crazy, she had friends… friends who appreciated exactly who she was, who’d put their lives on the line to see her safe. Frightening as those dreams had been, they’d also shown a kind of love she’d silently craved for as long as she could remember. “Oh my gosh, Taylor!”

They embraced, laughing and crying, sheer relief that their friendship was a fire that for all Rourke’s efforts, could not be extinguished. As Grace came away, lines of worry returned to her face.

“Most of us still haven’t remembered…” she said quietly. “Rourke… he’s treated time as his plaything, hurt so many people, and he’s just… getting away with it?”

Taylor placed her hands on Grace’s shoulders, and leant down just a little, so that she was eye-to-eye with the shorter woman. “He won’t. I swear to you, he won’t. This time, we’re not racing an apocalypse. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but… look at us. Back together; and Estela, Diego, Zahra… that’s already shown that we are so much stronger than he bargained for. I’ve gotta trust that the rest will come in time. And when the time comes, we’ll finish this. For good.”

There was something in the way she spoke that made Grace feel like it was possible. “When this is all over, you really ought to consider a career in motivational speaking.”

“We’ll see. First, let’s enjoy tonight, yeah? Like I said, you’ve earned it.”

__________________________________

“So, um… dancing?” Estela took Quinn’s hand and swayed awkwardly. Wait- she’s seasick! That’s not gonna help. Shit. Her cheeks suddenly bright red, she stopped in her tracks. There’s gotta be a way of doing this without making poor Quinn barf…

Quinn laughed. She was utterly intrigued by the brunette, who was clearly putting herself out of her comfort zone… for her… as if she really was a friend. When she thought about it, Quinn realised where she’d seen Estela before… the strangest dream. She was reaching out to a frothing sea monster, a great beast that towered over her… willing an object to rise out from its throat. And there, arms securely around her, holding her out of harm’s way… Estela. It was funny; she could almost feel those strong arms embracing her, as if it were a memory of something as real as she was standing there. What was even stranger was that she was certain she’d seen Michelle’s face too, in that very same dream.

“Dry land has done me some good; I’m up for a little dancing. Michelle?”

Still side-eyeing Estela, Michelle took Quinn’s hand. Something about this was familiar; spookily so. As much as she couldn’t admit to going along with Taylor’s crazy… there had been flashes of a different truth coming to her since they’d violently collided several weeks before. She’d fought it. Whatever madness Taylor had planted in her head was a distraction from what mattered; she had it all- the sorority, Sean, and she was killing it in classes. Everything right on track. She was still scared of Estela. Not because she was some creepy figure that the other girls would nervously giggle about, but because she was all that, and still Michelle couldn’t shake the growing urge to slap every idiot who said a word against her. It was the same thing that made her protective of Quinn; a deep knowing that she couldn’t understand. None of it made any sense. But, no. This was just a dance… hanging out with a sick girl. What the hell kind of doctor would she be if she didn’t show compassion for someone who clearly needed her? That was all this was, of that much Michelle was certain; she’d keep Quinn company, and at the end of it all, she could go back to keeping her distance… keeping the crazy, the madness that could throw everything she’d worked for into shambles, safely at arm’s length.

“If it means I can make sure you don’t over-do it…” Michelle started to bounce along to the music, and tentatively reached for Estela’s hand. The calloused palm was slightly rough in her fingers, the grip returned to her was strong yet gentle. This was all for show, she told herself, but still she found herself offering the dark-eyed brunette an encouraging smile. “I know this isn’t exactly your scene either. Just follow my lead, okay?”

It was awkward at first. Both Estela and Michelle gratefully took several opportunities to grab a drink between songs, loosening them up just enough that they could forget that they were supposed to be strangers. Reluctantly, though, Michelle found herself having fun- laughing even. She wasn’t sure when it happened, but at some point she must have stopped flinching away from Estela, and her companionship was suddenly… easy.

While she twirled Quinn around, Estela remained quiet. This was well beyond her comfort zone… it would have been even if her friends remembered their relationship. Quinn was bubbly and bouncy, and Estela simply wasn’t. Her slightly tipsy party-goer self was far more self-conscious, stilted, than the average drunken student. Life had taught her to keep her guard up. But as Quinn took both her and Michelle by the hand and spun them in a wild circle, Estela was enjoying herself so much more than she knew how to show them. But that look on Quinn’s face, that look that was like sunshine breaking through the clouds, it was enough to tell her that she wasn’t doing too badly.

Some twenty or so songs later, Quinn collapsed onto the bench, her face happily flushed, sweat upon her brow. She’d pushed herself, perhaps harder than she should have done, but the reward had been what she’d missed out on for so long- a genuine human connection. It had, however, knocked the stuffing out of her.

“Wow, I’m wrecked.” She put her hand to her head, the troubling ache still present in intermittent twinges. It was bizarre, the strength of the complaint seemingly linked to feelings of closeness to the two women who’d put their own plans aside, for her. “Good wrecked,” she added quickly.

“Honestly?” Michelle sighed, sitting down beside her. “Me too. It’s almost like I caught your headache. I think exam week caught up with me.” It wasn’t the night she’d planned, but of all the parties she’d been to in her freshman year, this was the one she’d remember. “Hey, Quinn? If you wanted to share an Uber with me, you could crash out in my room. If you wanted to hang out some more?”

Her sapphire eyes widening at the first invite she’d received in… how many years?... Quinn couldn’t hide her surprise. “Oh, Michelle, you don’t have to. You should spend some time with your friends, I’ve kept you a long time as it is.”

“This isn’t me being nice. I don’t wanna go back in there and face Craig right now; my head would explode.”

Both Quinn and Estela laughed.

Michelle found herself grinning along with them. “And Quinn, you’re a friend. Shit- maybe I am being nice. What a night.” She offered Estela a glance. “I’m guessing you’re here with…” Crazy Taylor… “Taylor?”

“I am. I didn’t think you’d appreciate it if I called her over after… you know.”

Her cheeks suddenly very pink, Michelle was uncomfortable, and it showed all over her face. The last encounter she’d shared with Taylor and Estela had been memorable for all the wrong reasons. There may have been a slap-fight involved. She said nothing, but gave a small nod of acknowledgement that Estela had probably made the right call. The more she’d thought about it, the less Crazy Taylor seemed like a threat to her relationship with Sean, but it remained she who was the source of those insane stories, the ones that somehow haunted Michelle in her dreams. Bad news… that’s what Taylor was. But Estela seemed nice enough; creepy as all hell, but honestly… nice. Certainly not deserving of being treated like something slimy that had crawled out of a horror movie. How she, Michelle, had treated her.

Quinn put her arms around Estela, receiving an unsure, but clearly heartfelt hug in return. “You’re here with your girlfriend? I wouldn’t have kept you if I’d known!”

“It’s all right. You needed a friend. Taylor would get it; this sort of thing is usually what she’d do.”

“Wait- blonde Taylor?” Receiving a nod, Quinn beamed. “I know Taylor! Whenever I’m on campus and she bumps into me, she’ll stop and chat- every time.”

“That sounds right.” Estela couldn’t help but smile. Being a stellar friend was pretty much what Taylor was born for, and it was where she shone. It was a good thing, too, what with the fate of the world relying on their rekindling the bonds the twelve had once shared. “She’s got this pathological need to be friends with people. She latches on, and that’s it, she’ll care about you for life.”

It had been strange for Estela to take on that role. She hoped she’d risen to the challenge; it wasn’t like old times, but she’d felt comfortable with Quinn and Michelle, refreshingly so. “I should get back to her. She’s probably propping up a drunk Diego somewhere…”

“I think I’ve kept you long enough,” Quinn said, gratefully. She wasn’t sure what it was about Estela, but so quickly, the friendship that was blooming between them felt easy, natural. For the first time in her life, a friendship that might just have a chance… a chance of growing and not simply being snuffed out by the reality of her illness. “You say ‘hi’ for me, okay? We should all hang out sometime.”

Estela looked her steadily in the eye, her cheeks slightly pink. That someone would actively seek out her company… it was surreal. She could only hope Quinn knew what it meant. “I’d like that. Thank you. And I… I will.” She gave them both a small nod. “Get some rest, yeah?”

With that, she turned to head back to the boat, back to her wife, who would no doubt be wondering after her. She felt a hand on the crook of her arm, and when she looked back, there was Michelle, a bizarre expression on her face… as if surprised by her own action.

“Look, Estela, I don’t often make apologies; I’m sharp, and it’s how I survive. But I was a real bitch to you; you and Taylor. I’m sorry, all right? And you can pass that on to her too.”

“…Michelle…”

Michelle looked up, but still pointedly avoided eye contact, not realising how much it stung.

“Thanks…” Estela said, “you know, for helping keep Quinn company.”

“I’m not a complete asshole.” Michelle glanced upwards, meeting brunette’s dark, serious eyes at last, and gave her a small but genuine smile. “You’re welcome.”

_______________________________

In the middle of the dance floor, Taylor was hopping to the beat, a great smile plastered across her face. She was supposed to be going for top-ups, leaving Grace and Diego to briefly carry on their giggly game of charades without her… but how could she stop herself from dancing? Sure, she didn’t have the whole gang behind her, but buzzed as she was over the breakthrough with Grace, the usual hurt couldn’t touch her. Taylor was on cloud nine, on top of the world…

-crash!!-

“Heeeey, Crazy Taylor!”

Looking up from the floor on what she knew would be a very bruised rear the next day, Taylor held her hand out, letting herself be pulled back to her feet by the very solid figure she’d danced right into.

“Hey, Craig, having a good time? Sorry about that, by the way.”

“Pffft, chyeah… it’s a party, duh!”

“I can’t argue with that,” Taylor laughed. This felt good, natural. Or was she just drunk? Was Craig just hoping she’d start another entertaining fight? Her nerves returned. Easy, Taylor. Just let it come the way it’s meant to. He’s your friend; he’ll work it out eventually. “Food’s been pretty nice too…”

“Hey, where did your friend go? She hasn’t bailed already?”

Taylor followed Craig’s eyes to the seat where Zahra had been sitting earlier that night, glaring daggers out into the room while downing the finest cocktails on offer. A sinking feeling in her stomach told her that Zahra had indeed left. Immediately, she felt guilt. Caught up as she was in her excitement over re-connecting with Grace, she hadn’t checked in with her reclusive housemate. Zahra was hurt, much more than she cared to let on, by her history with Craig having been erased. It had been excruciating for her to open back up to him on La Huerta… to start over was too much.

“I think she went home,” Taylor said apologetically. This, she knew, would be one of the major hurdles in getting the group back together. As soon as Craig had started looking her way, Zahra had scarpered.

Craig’s face fell, but he recovered quickly. “I’m not, like, interested or anything! Not into nerds.”

“Come on, really? And you haven’t ever played a video game in your life? Between you and me, I’ve always found I was happier when I just rolled with what made me happy, not what might make me popular--“

“The hell you mean by that? You don’t know me!”

Shit. Abort mission; abort, abort!

Taylor briefly babbled, tripping over her tongue in panic. “I didn’t- I mean that… uh…. Shit. You’re right; I’m over-stepping. But if you wanna try something different, you should drop by our place sometime.”

To her relief, the indignant anger seemed to have faded from Craig’s face as quickly as it had flared up there, replaced by simple… curiosity, even in spite of himself.

Taking a chance, Taylor kept talking. “Yeah… yeah. We picked up a few old games last week, you know, retro… and honestly? I keep getting thrashed by Zahra. Y-you know… my friend you were asking after. She’s wicked smart; way too much for me to handle. And I dunno… I thought maybe you could help me take her down. Diego’s crap, and Estela’s plain not interested. I know it’s weird to ask, but I just got a feeling… you might have a good mind for that kind of thing.”

“Huh. Uh, uh, okay.” His face taking on a pink glow, Craig glanced hastily over his shoulder. “No nerdy wizard quest shit, though, aiight?”

“What, no! It’s uh… ‘Deadly Bloodsport’. And like I said, I keep getting my ass handed to me. You really should come around, bring a few beers or something.”

The strange nervousness fell from Craig’s face. “Now you’re talking! Why didn’t you say there was gonna be booze?”

Okay; good, good, now you’ve just got to track down one of those damn consoles… and hope that Zahra doesn’t stab me in my sleep.

As Craig walked away, Taylor realised she’d been barely breathing through their whole encounter, so terrified she was that she’d put her foot in it and make a difficult situation even worse. She chuckled to herself. Go let your hair down, girl! This is meant to be a night off from freaking out.

And, for the most part, it was. Taylor couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so much, but it must have been back on La Huerta. It was almost as if… she’d stopped worrying just enough that things were starting to fall together on their own. She had her old Grace back, sweet and smart, and the friend she’d always been. And she could have sworn she saw something clicking in Craig’s head back there! The night, by her reckoning, was a roaring success. Something, though, something was missing…

“Estela-baby! There’s that badass love of my life!” Taylor leapt into a run, losing one of her heels in her exuberant rush to put herself in her wife’s arms. “I thought you’d fallen overboard or something! You haven’t missed all the food, have you?”

Estela was pleasantly flushed, glowing. “Sorry, I got caught up. I did eat though. Quinn was feeling rough on the boat, so I kept her and Michelle company on the marina for a little while. They’ve gone back to Hartfeld now, but I think having something to eat did Quinn some good.”

Doing a double-take, Taylor blinked rapidly for a moment. The last time Estela had been in contact with Michelle had been an absolute disaster. That look on her face now said that something had drastically changed. Taylor could only smile at her, big and broad and adoring.

“Estela Montoya, you are an absolute gem, you know that?”

She trailed her hands down until they settled on Estela’s hips, and pulled her closer, swaying gently in time with the music.

Smiling, Estela put her arms around Taylor’s neck. She leaned in and kissed her, letting feel of her lover’s lips, soft on her own, make the rest of the world fall away. The party was nice and all, but it didn’t compare to this- not even close. “Did you want to dance?”

“Is that something you do? Dancing?”

“No.” Estela shrugged. “Not really. But I figured we could work it out together. Is, um, one of us supposed to lead?”

“I think so? I don’t…”

They both stepped forward at the same time, and giggled as they crashed foreheads.

“God, you’ve got a hard skull…” Taylor laughed. “Hang on…” Tossing away her other shoe, she noticed that Estela was already barefoot, clearly having done away with the impractical heels at first opportunity. It made her smile all the more. “How about, you just lean into me, hold me… we’ll sway a little bit… and then…” She guided Estela’s arm upwards guiding her into a spin until she was flush against her chest once more.

“I guess we’re not so bad at this.”

“At least now we’re not. Helps that I’m not waddling around with one shoe like a complete doofus anymore.”

“You wanted to wear the stupid things…” Estela rolled her eyes. “You know, if you had to make a quick exit in these, you’d break your neck.”

Taylor raised an eyebrow. “And you can run in heels? Oh, my darling, even walking in them you look like a drunk giraffe. Sorry, a simultaneously very cute and very intimidating drunk giraffe.”

“Uh… thanks…?” Estela leaned in close and nibbled her lover’s ear before whispering. “I think you know that when the shit hits the fan, I’d have the heels off and be stabbing someone in the neck with them in a heartbeat.”

“There it is. Adorable and terrifying. So glad I’m on your good side.”

Estela giggled against the crook of Taylor’s neck, warm and giddy. “Always.”

Her arm resting on her wife’s back, Taylor grinned like a Cheshire cat, all the while, still swaying gently to the music. These little moments made the angst, the heartache, the fear… all worth it. A hundred times over.

“This has been really nice. Like, so nice. But I’ve actually got something to tell you.”

Immediately, Estela looked up, worry creeping into her eyes. “Taylor, is something wrong?”

Taylor kept on smiling. “I was talking with Grace. She remembers. Stel, she remembers everything!”

“Wait- what? You took your time spitting that out! Where is she? Is she okay?”

“Well, I figured, we’d all be hanging out together the rest of the night. I wanted to have a moment… just us, first.”

“Oh my god!”

“I left her playing charades with Diego… they’re probably wondering where I got to with their drinks. Come on…”

“I love you, but I am not playing charades. How fucking drunk do you think I am?”

_______________________________

Several giggly rounds of charades later- and Diego remaining undefeated, seemingly able to pick a mimed pop-culture reference within two seconds- Taylor succumbed once more to the dance floor, swinging her friends around her until her feet could dance no longer. Several drinks down, and all four of them were feeling it. Perhaps too much- as they discovered when an over-excited Diego ran up behind Sean and gave him the biggest hug he could muster, too tipsy to recall that in this timeline, they weren’t actually friends yet. Rescued by Estela before he could inflict another social faux pas, Diego was thankful that even in the midst of a scornful popular crowd, Sean’s good nature shone through and he’d awkwardly returned the gesture.

Grace was more relaxed, at ease with the world and within herself, than Taylor could remember seeing her- perhaps ever; the relief she found in realising her truth clear to see. She’d kept an eye out for Aleister; but he never made an appearance. Taylor had explained that it might have been for the best; Aleister was kept just close enough to his father that it was safer they all kept their distance until the rest of them were ready to come together and take action. Everything taken into consideration, though, this was the nearest Taylor had felt to… to feeling whole since she stupidly allowed Rourke to take away the bonds that had been the making of her. When Grace hugged her, it was to be embraced by a friend… and damn, that felt better than Taylor could put into words.

“I’m absolutely exhausted!” Grace lamented, even as she kept on grinning. “I’d better go and get some sleep; I’m still on catch-up after exams.”

Taylor hugged her in return. “Trust me, you’re not the only one. I think if I dance for a minute longer, my feet will sue my brain.”

“You say the strangest things, Taylor. And yet, somehow, you always make sense.” Grace spoke with a laugh, one well-earned after running herself ragged in the lead-up to the end of the quarter. “I suppose I’ll see you when school comes back? We ought to have lunches together… I’m honestly so tired of feeling like I’m struggling through alone.”

Taking a step back, Taylor held onto Grace’s arms and looked her straight in the eye, hoping with everything in her that she understood just how much she was cared for. “You don’t have to go through it alone. Never again, yeah? Because we’re a family. Whatever happens, we’re in it together.”

Grace’s eyes glistened with tears as she held her friend’s gaze. Her smile was brilliant, her face aglow. “We’re in it together! I’ll see you very soon, Taylor.”

Another round of hugs, and Grace was gone, almost skipping as she went to get her lift. With Diego calling up their own ride, Taylor gleefully put her arms around Estela. She’d hoped the party would have been an opportunity for some long slow-dances between them, a chance for her to simply hold her wife, and let her feel at ease- something so rare when her very mind was at war with itself- but surprise encounters had put paid to her best laid plans.

“I feel like I hardly spent any time with you tonight;” Estela murmured, as if she were reading her wife’s mind. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be- as much as I might want to keep you to myself, I’m a very kind and giving person.” Taylor reached out for Estela’s hand. “Seriously, though. I know how hard all this has been for you. To reach out to them, after everything, and being your wonderful, caring self… I just love you so much.”

With her free hand, Estela traced her fingers over the side of Taylor’s face, delicately brushing away an errant lock of hair. She quietly admired the pink glow that had painted itself across those kissable cheeks, the contentment and affection in those blue, blue eyes, the enticing glisten upon those lips.

“You’re beautiful…” she whispered. “Taylor… beautiful Taylor.”

“You’re beautiful, my darling Estela.”

Glancing down, a little bashful, Estela moved in closer, nuzzling against Taylor’s cheek. The skin so silky soft, shifting beneath her lips in what she knew was the formation of a sweet smile, the kind that made her knees buckle.

“Do you think, when it’s over… we’ll do more of this?” she asked, softly. “Not just ‘cause we’ve got to get some kind of escape from the mindfuck that is our lives, but just… for the joy of it.”

“So, you like the dancing?”

“With you, yes. But you can stop smirking. You already knew I wasn’t so hard.”

“True, very true. And, yeah, we’ll do more of this. Dancing like we haven’t got a care, because someday soon the fight will only be a memory. We’ll be, like, insufferably happy. And we’ll get there, soon. I can feel it.”

“Taylor, you’re feeling the champagne.”

Maybe she was feeling it herself, but Estela couldn’t quite extinguish the new spark of hope that had ignited within, nor could she suppress the beaming smile that had painted itself across her face. She put an arm around Taylor’s back, hugging her tight to her chest, so that she could feel her heart pounding with exhilaration against her breast. To hold her was magic, plain and simple. She leaned in, parting Taylor’s lips with her own, tasting the slight bitterness left by the wine. The kiss started slow, tender, every smallest brush and press of their lips savoured, held onto as if sacred, before it deepened, both women powerless in the face of the heat and passion that surged between them.

Estela drew her face away, just a little, so she could gaze upon the woman she loved. In Taylor’s eyes was something like aching longing, as though mere inches between them was too much to bear. She sated her with delicate kisses, trailing from her forehead, back to her eager mouth.

“Hey, you guys!!!” came a ringing holler.

“Ugh,” said Taylor. “Rude.”

“Don’t worry, carińa, we’ll pick this up when we get home. I’m sure I can keep myself awake for another hour. For you.”

“For me?” Taylor giggled, and snaked an arm around her wife’s waist, holding her close as they reluctantly began moving to join Diego in the Uber back to the apartment. She felt a kiss pressed tenderly to her temple, lingering and sweet. It would have to be just enough… for the time being at least.

Estela reluctantly left one last kiss against Taylor’s face. “Come on,” she said, suddenly commanding. “The sooner we get home…” A subtle wiggle of her eyebrows was all it took to kick Taylor’s butt into gear.

They hurried, hand-in-hand, revelling in the rare assurance that in their small way, they were on their way to winning.

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

The French Connection - Chapter 6

A HardyxMiller AU

Ellie Miller is left to go on her honeymoon alone after a devastating secret about her fiance comes to light - halfway through the wedding ceremony.  Sitting in St Pancras International in London waiting for her train, she runs into none other than her uni rival/best friend Alec Hardy, on the run from his own recent heartbreak.

They decide to make use of Ellie’s pre-paid trip, rekindling their friendship and escaping real life; yet, it turns out their years at uni are the hardest to outrun. Based on this prompt from @timepetalscollective  

Chapters will be posted every Wednesday and Sunday.  Beta’d by the wonderful @stupidsatsuma

Masterlist  |  AO3

---

“Ellie.”

The soft whisper of her name stirred her, making her whimper and hide her face in her pillow.  It was soft, warm, and altogether heavenly; she didn’t want to get up.

“Ellie, we’re here.”

She grunted, swatting halfheartedly in the direction of the voice, wondering dimly why her pillow was speaking.  This is the strangest dream I’ve ever had.

“Miller!”

Eyes snapping open she bolted upright, blinking rapidly as she tried to take in her surroundings.  She was seated on an empty coach, against the window, alone but for Hardy who sat next to her – worryingly in the direction she’d just leaned away from.  Was I asleep on him?

“Wha’?”

He stood, settling his hands on his hips as he waited for her.  “We’re here,” he repeated.  “Time to get off the bus.”

“Did I sleep the whole way?”  She rose as well, turning her back for a moment to discreetly wipe at her mouth, grimacing at the crusted drool before sliding her purse over her shoulder.  “Sorry.”

“S’all right.”  Stepping back he let her lead the way off the bus, alighting onto a sandy carpark where dozens of other tour buses were parked, a steady stream of people walking past.

They fell into step, Hardy gently guiding her towards a vaguely-familiar looking woman wearing a fashionable scarf and holding a clipboard.  She gave them a severe look as they joined the rest of the group, before beginning to speak.

“Bienvenue a Versailles.  Originally a modest hunting lodge built by Louis Thirteen, he and his successors through Louis Sixteen built it up to what you see today, when the family lost it during the Revolution.  What you see in front of you is le Cour d’Honneur, or the Royal Court.  Then we will pass through the Gate of Honor, where we will meet our guide.  Please, follow me.”

Eyes wide Ellie followed the group, breathless as she stared at the gates.  The fence along them was gold, shining brilliantly in the morning sun. It would be imposing on its own, were it not for the gate itself, double the height and topped with beautiful scrollwork and, at the highest point, a crown.

“This is beautiful,” Ellie whispered to Hardy as they crossed in front towards the entrance.  “I’m so happy I’m here.”

When she tore her eyes away to glance at him, he was smiling softly.  “I’m glad.  C’mon.”

-

“Oh, wow,” Ellie murmured, as they stepped out of the Palace into the gardens.

Hardy hid a smile by fussing with his sunglasses, situating them firmly on his nose to combat the bright sun.  She’d been saying some variation of that for the last hour, all through the tour of the Palace.  Even he had to admit that it was, maybe, somewhat impressive, despite his thoroughly-Scottish Presbyterian austerity.  Of course, it’s no surprise they went bankrupt.  “We’ve got an hour before we’re to be back at the bus – what d’you want to do?”

“Can we walk through the gardens?”  She turned to him, smiling hopefully as if he might actually say no.

“If you like,” was all he said, waiting patiently while she pulled out her own sunnies and fussed with her camera.  “Ready?”

They headed straight, and he let her choose the path, listening with one ear as she chattered on, recapping the tour as though he hadn’t been beside her the entire time, highlighting the parts she’d liked best.

“-oh, but that bedroom!  Can you imagine?  And who could possibly need all that staff!  I mean, I wouldn’t turn down someone to do the cooking and cleaning, I’ll admit, and I suppose it’d be nice to have someone else do the laundry, but still!  How do you live like that and take yourself seriously?  Did they honestly believe that they had been chosen to be treated like gods, that they were so much better than anyone else?  Not to mention-”

“Where are we going?” he cut her off, as they angled off past the third pond.  “I mean, d’you have a direction in mind?  Because if it’s a stroll to take in the gardens you’re after…”  He gestured vaguely.

Ellie blinked at him before glancing around.  “It’s nice,” she shrugged, “but actually, I was heading for le Petit Trianon.  It was Marie Antoinette’s bolthole when court pressures got to be too much.”

He stopped dead to stare at her, before shaking his head and sighing.  “It must’ve been very hard to be Queen of France.”

“Oh, don’t be an arse.”

“What?” he protested, as they continued down the tree-lined path towards the mansion appearing in the distance.  “I’m just saying, not exactly like she had to work for a living!”

Ellie scoffed.  “Clearly you were never a teenage girl, because if you had been, you would not be saying that.  D’you know how vicious women can be?”

“You kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding!  She was under tremendous pressure to be perfect.  The other women at Court expected her to have the best of everything, the latest of everything, while the average citizen saw her as an unapologetic spender, wasting money on clothing and parties while they starved.  She was a victim of the French court, and it cost her her life!  It’s easy for men, the expectations of them are minimal at best, but women are expected to be happy and light, a perfect hostess… witty but not too smart, knowledgeable without knowing more than the man she’s talking to, loyal and obedient to someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her dignity or reputation!  We’re supposed to just forgive any transgression, no matter how big, any humiliation or belittlement and just take it with a smile!  It’s utter bullshit, it’s a ridiculous standard, and it’s not fair!”

Hardy stared at her, taken aback.  Her chest heaved, eyes leaking tears, her expression heartbreakingly lost and small.  This isn’t about Marie Antoinette, he realized, watching her lower lip tremble.  “I’m sorry, Miller,” he said quietly, sighing.  “You’re right, it’s not.”

“Don’t patronize me,” she warned, wiping angrily at her cheeks.  “I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s not pity,” he rolled his eyes, before checking his watch.  “Now, we’ve got forty minutes, and it’ll take most of that to get back to the bus.  Let’s go see her hideaway, then get back to the group – I don’t fancy being left behind.”

-

“My father used to have affairs,” Hardy said apropos of nothing, making Ellie’s gaze snap towards him.

They were seated on a riverboat, the last leg of the tour being a boat ride up the Seine, getting on at Sèvres and sailing up towards the disembarkation point near the Musée d'Orsay, which was only a few blocks from their hotel.  They’d claimed spots at the very back of the boat, and given the light load of the group, were practically alone, most people congregating at the front.

Ellie had been lost in her thoughts, wondering about any deeper symbolism in her desire to look back at where they’d been rather than forward towards where they were going.

“What?”

“My father,” he repeated, staring determinedly out the back window, “constantly made a fool of my mum.  She always tolerated it, looked the other way, and I’m sorry to say I always thought less of her for that.  That she should’ve gotten out when she could, that she shouldn’t have let him put her- put us through that.”

She tilted her head, trying to wrap her head around her words even as she marveled at his openness; he’d never discussed his home life before.  “I imagine she had no easy choices,” she said diplomatically.

“My point is,” Hardy sighed, glancing her way, “that I’ve seen what happens when a woman just takes what her husband gives her-” his face tightened, suggesting things Ellie didn’t want to unpack at that particular moment, “that it will destroy her.  If your family’s upset in the moment, that’s one thing, but don’t let them carry on too long about if you should’ve handled it differently.  You have to take care of you – your ex isn’t your responsibility.  If they try to tell you to make it work with him once you get back, tell them to get fucked.”

“They’re the only family I’ve got,” Ellie scoffed wryly, shaking her head.  “I mean, I won’t have anything to do with him, but not sure I can get them to stop talking about it.”

He shifted on the bench to face her, pushing up his sunglasses in a surprising display of vulnerability.  “Ellie.  If they’re more concerned about him than they are about you, they’re not worth your time and effort.  Hell, I’ll be your family if you want, or whatever.  Just… don’t let them carry on about it.  The one time my mum tried to leave, tried to get me away from him, her family made us go back.  I never forgave them for it.”

“I’m sorry,” she offered, looking down at her hands.  “That’s an awful thing to have happened.  Thank you for… trusting me with that, I suppose.”

“She was like you, far as I can remember, when I was little.  Bright and cheerful, always looking at the silver lining.  And over time, he and her family dulled the sparkle until nothing was left.  You have to make you a priority, because you can’t trust anyone else will.”

“Thank you.”

-

Her mobile rang while they were relaxing before dinner, the screen lighting up in time to the jaunty tune it played, vibrating on the desk.

Ellie grimaced, staring down at it.  “Unknown number.  What d’you think?”  She was seated at the desk, inches from the device, but made no move to reach for it.

Hardy shrugged, sitting up from where he’d been sprawled on the bed flipping channels on the telly.  “Send it to voicemail?  Could it be work?”

With a grimace she answered it, holding it to her ear.  “This is Miller.” Almost instantly the blood drained from her face, hand shaking, and his gut knew who was on the other end of the line.

Springing off the bed he eased the mobile from her hand and put it to his own ear, barking, “What?”

“Who’s this?” a confused man’s voice came to him, and Hardy bared his teeth.

“Alec Hardy, I’m a friend of Ellie’s.  Who’s this?”

“Joe Richards, her fiancé.  Can I speak to Ellie, please?”  He said tersely, rather rudely Hardy thought for someone charged with child pornography.

Hardy raised an eyebrow at Ellie, who shook her head violently.  “No. In fact, she’d prefer to never hear from you again.”  That got him a double thumbs up.  “I strongly advise you never contact her- or her family- ever again.”

A pause on the line had him waiting with bated breath, and when the other man spoke, his words were entirely unexpected.

“Did you say Hardy?  As in her uni boyfriend?”

Boyfriend?  “Uh, yeah, that’s me.”  Despite the situation, the corners of his mouth tugged upward, earning himself a confused glare from Ellie.  “What’s it to you?”

“Now listen here, prick, Ellie is my fiancée, and as soon as I beat these charges-”

“If such a gross miscarriage of justice were to occur,” he cut Joe off, “you will leave- wherever it is Ellie lives, and you will run as far away as possible.  Just know that no matter how far you do go, it will never be far enough, and you will always be watched to ensure you harm no one.  Do you understand?”

After a moment, the line went dead, his face tightening as it occurred to him that he might have overstepped.  Handing the mobile back to Ellie, it took all he had not to flinch when she pushed back from the desk and stood.

She stared at him, eyes searching his, and he held his breath, waiting for a verdict.

“Thank you,” was all she said, before closing the distance between them and throwing her arms around his waist, holding him tightly and resting her face against his shoulder.  “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Slowly, scared she might bolt if he moved to fast, he returned the hug and held her close, resting his chin on the top of her head.  “So am I.”  It was nice, having her in his arms, and he felt a vise in his chest loosen.

I don’t want this trip to end.

[superspunarticle]

It's Hard to Live Your Best Life When You've not Yet Discovered Your Best Self

https://superspunarticle.com/its-hard-to-live-your-best-life-when-youve-not-yet-discovered-your-best-self/ It's Hard to Live Your Best Life When You've not Yet Discovered Your Best Self https://superspunarticle.com/its-hard-to-live-your-best-life-when-youve-not-yet-discovered-your-best-self/ Tutorials & tips about Video & Content Marketing. Photo by Amine M’Siouri from Pexels “Every day, it’s important to ask and answer these questions: ‘What’s good in my life?’ and ‘What needs to be done?’” – Nathaniel Branden Do you ever feel like you can’t keep up with everything?Do you ever feel like you can’t stop trying to keep up?Do you ever feel like if you stop, you’ll lose your relevance or status?Do you ever feel like enough is never enough and too much at the same time? I guess, in some way, we all do. We’re moving so quickly, in so many directions, it’s impossible to truly be present, to fully be in any moment at any time, and also, ironically, not to even realize that we’re not actually there. There’s a reason why. In fact, how we use our devices, the apps we open many times a day, the notifications we jump for, the things we share, the trends we follow, the attention and validation we seek, the entitlement we carry, how we think and feel, and the price we ultimately pay, none of it is a coincidence. If the future needs anything, it’s for you and me to press pause, assess our world and the paths we’re on, to explore opportunities that allow us to rekindle our relationships with ourselves and those who really matter, to see an alternative, future state impossible to appreciate before, and to then invest our time, energy, creativity, and sincerity to manifest more meaningful and productive outcomes. This is what it means to live a meaningful life. This is what it means to be…your best self. I dedicated two years to studying how our relationship with technology was changing us, who we were becoming vs. who we thought we were, and how to scale our life forward and upward, intentionally. When I published LifeScale: How to Live a More Creative, Productive, and Happy Life, I had no idea we were headed toward a global pandemic. I had no idea that Netflix would produce The Social Dilemma, a compelling documentary that would reveal the extent of social engineering changing each one of us and all of us collectively. I wonder what would happen if LifeScale were to be released today. I actually believe, now more than ever, we have an opportunity to reimagine our relationship with tech and more so, put tech to work for a greater purpose. Shortly after launch, I spent time with my friend Bryan Elliott in Orange County, California. In front of a live audience, we discussed the challenges, the lack of awareness and leadership on such an important topic, and the research-based path forward. If there ever was a tito ctrl-alt-del ourselves and rewrite our social contract with devices, networks, and our own Please take some time, meaningful time, to watch this. It’s important. We need more leaders like you. If you prefer to listen to the podcast, my conversation with Bryan is also available on Spotify. Thank you Bryan for your support and your friendship. I cherish our time together over the years! !function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s)if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function()n.callMethod? n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments);if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n; n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0; t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)(window, document,'script','https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js'); fbq('init', '192647454418119'); fbq('track', "PageView"); (function(d, s, id) var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v2.3"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); (document, "script", "facebook-jssdk")); This post “It’s Hard to Live Your Best Life When You’ve not Yet Discovered Your Best Self” was 1st published on this site. We hope that you found the post above of help and interesting. You can find similar content on our main site: superspunarticle.com/blog Let me have your feedback in the comments section below. Let us know what subjects we should write about for you next. #SEO

[onbartonspringsfic]

Chapter 76

I’ve gotten a couple of messages asking when I was going to update this story, and I would sincerely like to thank you guys for that. It rekindled the fire for me and it feels really good to just sit down and write. This is neither long nor good, but I promised to post something. Hopefully this will tide you over for just a little bit. Thanks for remembering me, guys. xx

Here goes. More to come, and I promise it won’t be as long next time.

———

Stepping out into the hall, you close the bedroom door and smile to yourself. You’ve just left a very pitiful looking Dave standing in the shower holding a hot cup of coffee. He’d not slept well the night before, he’d explained grumpily when you flounced down on the bed, rudely waking him up. You feel slightly guilty for disturbing him, but you want him up and nearby. Chris didn’t seem like he was planning on pushing you to talk more this morning, but you need some time to digest your last chat before you decide how to respond.

Treading lightly down the plush carpeted hallway, you consider heading back to the music room and listening to some records while waiting for Dave to get all tarted up, but a faint sliver of light slipping through the slightly ajar home theater door catches your eye. Silently tip-toeing over, you peek inside to find High Fidelity playing on the big screen. Rob is currently explaining to his audience how he is organizing his record collection, a rationale Dave has obviously stolen from John Cusack’s character. Though the light is dim, you can clearly make out Nate’s silhouette in the middle row, his cushy chair slightly reclined. He seems oblivious to your presence, even after you pull the door shut and begin carefully descending the shallow stairs that lead down to all the seats. Starting down his row, you finally catch his eye. He raises a hand in a greeting and immediately swipes up the remote control pad from the console next to him.

“Good morning! Join me?” he asks, grinning through his scruffy red beard. Turning sideways in his seat, he lowers the volume of the movie and looks at you again. “You ever seen this?” he asks, motioning at the screen with the remote.

“More times than I can remember,” you grin back. Nate is quite possibly one of the sweetest guys you’d ever met and you’d always thought he was terribly cute. You often wonder why he was the only one that wasn’t married, or even seeing anyone that you knew of. He’s never said much to you, but then there hadn’t been many opportunities to. “It’s one of my faves. I love the bit at the end where Jack Black performs. He’s incredible.”

“I think that’s my favorite part too,” he laughs. Looking down at the remote, he thoughtfully runs a hand over his beard and looks at you again. “We’ve never really talked much,” he says, matter-of-fact.

“I was just thinking that.” You settle into the chair on the other side of the console, turning to face him just as he had done you. “We’ve not really had the opportunity.”

“Well… you and Dave seem to stay… busy.” He smiles nervously at the screen and then back at you briefly.

“Jesus.” Dropping your chin to your chest and hiding behind your hair, you giggle. “I will NEVER live that down!”

“Just teasing!” he promises. “But seriously… can I ask you a question?”

Looking puzzled, you nod your head before resting your temple on the back of the recliner.

“I know this is none of my business and you can tell me to fuck off if you want to… but… “ he seems nervous and unsure, his eyes darting between the remote in his lap and you. Finally he takes a quick glance back at the door before looking you in the eye. “Do you have the slightest idea how Chris feels about you?”

While your heart speeds up considerably, you manage not to move and keep your calm.

“How do you mean?”

“Again, I know this is none of my business…” He heaves a sigh. “Chris can’t stand the fact that you’re with Dave. It bothers the hell out of him that he left you that night at the hotel and took off with Rose.” He stops to think for a moment, looking a bit distant as he appears to collect his thoughts. You remain quiet until he continues. “I know you two are close, that you have spent and probably will spend a lot of time together. I saw that you went for a walk on the beach this morning. I wasn’t spying on you or anything,” he adds quickly. “I was out for a run and saw you leaving as I was coming back.”

You quickly nod and shrug your shoulders slightly at him, indicating that you understand but want him to finish.

“He and I have known each other a long time. He cares about you a lot. More than I’ve ever seen him care about anyone. Including Cara.” He hesitates another second or two. “I guess what I am asking is… do you know how he feels about you, and does he know that you guys are just friends? I’m worried Chris might think you guys are working on more than a friendship. He talks about you a lot.” He sets the remote back on the console with frustration and then looks at the screen.

“Chris confided in me,” he continues, “and I don’t like breaking his trust. But I don’t want to see any of my friends get hurt. Including you.”

You can’t help but smile at him.

“Nate, you have no idea how good it makes me feel to know you consider me a friend and think enough of me to look out for my feelings. That’s so very sweet,” you add, watching him smile shyly. “I understand why you told me, and I won’t mention it to Chris. He and I have already talked about this, and we’re… working it out.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” he begins, grinning again. “I really do hope you don’t think I’m a jerk for mentioning it. Like I said, I know it’s none of my…”

“I appreciate your being a good friend, to both of us,” you gently interrupt. “I think if I were you, I would have done the same thing. And I promise I won’t tell Chris that you mentioned it.”

Looking reassured, he lets loose a sigh of relief.

“Want to watch to the end?” he asks, picking up the remote and settling back into his chair.

Without an answer, you mimic his reclining position as he returns the volume to its previous level.

—–

After watching to the very end, you and Nate decide to make your way to the kitchen to see who is around and what is on for the day. The kitchen seems to be the one place in the house that everyone gravitates to. It is where the coffee lives, after all.

Nate is entertaining you with an animated yet very impressive version of “Let’s Get It On” as he rounds the corner into the sunny room. You are right on his heels, giggling and stumbling in behind him. You both stop abruptly at the sound of Dave’s voice.

“It’s a little early to be that drunk, isn’t it?” he smirks, giving you both a wink. “The fuck you two been up to?”

“We were enjoying a matinee showing of High Fidelity, you explain, still giggling over Nate.

“Ah. That would explain it.”

“What are you so damn happy about?” whispers Pat in your ear as he pinches your side. He’s snuck up behind you and you’re not sure if it’s the pinch or his voice that makes you jump. Spinning around to face him, you punch him playfully in the chest. You immediately see Chris standing behind him, laughing at your reaction.

“Dammit, Pat, you scared the hell out of me!”

“You have to watch out for him. He’s stealthy,” warns Chris. He steps around Pat and wanders over to the table and has a seat across from Dave. You feel slightly sick for a moment.

Dave meets Chris with a nod. “‘Sup, man? How was your walk this morning?” he asks, looking from Chris to you and then back at Chris. “You guys get all caught up?”

“Yeah, I think we covered just about everything,” Chris answers, raising his eyebrows at you. You immediately step over to the pantry and open both doors, carefully looking for nothing in particular just to avoid eye contact with either of them. “I told her about Cara, so…”

“Oh! Okay… I hadn’t mentioned it since you asked me not to.”

“Thanks, but it’s okay. Pen’s my best friend. There’s no reason she shouldn’t know.”

With your back still turned to them, you look sideways at Nate who has busied himself by trying to see how much cream he can add to his already milk-white coffee. Under different circumstances, this would be comical, but you can tell he’s way more nervous than he ought to be. You plan to keep his confidence. And he had done the right thing.

At the same time, you are a bit surprised to hear Chris say that you are his best friend. Especially after your conversation this morning. You decide to let it go.

“So what’s in the cards for today, boys?” you ask, closing the pantry and walking away empty-handed. Nate follows your lead and you both have a seat at the table, you next to Dave and Nate next to Chris. You promptly rest your head on Dave’s shoulder and look up at him.

“Are you less grumpy since you’ve had a shower and caffeine?”

He slips an arm around you and pulls you closer to his side. “I’m sorry if I snapped at you this morning. Thank you for looking after me. It was a long night.”

“Well, you’ve got a lot on your mind, haven’t you?” you ask in an understanding tone. You rub his bicep and give it a squeeze. Dropping his chin, he flashes you a loving grin and kisses you gently on the lips. Your heart skips a beat and, out of the corner of your eye, you swear it looks like Chris uncomfortably squirms on the adjacent bench.

“God damn, you two get a room!” The entire table looks up to see Pat at the kitchen island sipping a martini. A hush falls over the foursome at the table, everyone in awe of how Pat conjured up a martini without anyone noticing. Nate opens his mouth to comment, but quickly closes it again, wrapping both hands around his coffee cup and staring into it vacantly.

“Excuse me, but this is MY kitchen and MY house. We’ll get ass naked and fuck on this table if that’s what we wanna do.” At this, Nate abandons his cup of coffee and nearly sprints out of the kitchen without a word. Pat remains at the island, doubled over in laughter. You and Chris exchange an awkward glance.

“Alrighty, then!” you manage. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the beach,” you say over your shoulder as you head to the bedroom to change into your bikini.

[parniarazi]

So...2020 has been interesting so far, right? Although I’ve been wanting to transition from sharing content on this blog to creating my own podcast/vlog in 2020, that’s something that I want to be put more time into thoughtfully creating since it’s new territory to me. Having this moment in time to breathe, spend some time at home, and really feel back into myself and my creative side has led me to wanting to still post on this platform. Just some patterns I’ve noticed lately, feelings the current state of the world has brought up, and lessons the universe has sent my way - maybe you’ll relate, take away something valuable, or at least have a little food for thought.

This year started off in a whirlwind with the tr*mp adminstration coming at my home country of Iran- for most people this is an old headline or moment in the news that is long past- but for Iranian Americans that’s a moment we haven’t forgotten. Being scared for the livelihood of our home country and family members who live there is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and seeing the following protests and both social/economic unrest just hurt my heart. The U.S. creates so much instability and pain in other countries and people here just forget about it and move on the next day, politics as usual. They don’t see the lives and people behind the headlines who are actually impacting by inflation and instability in their country - people who are just trying to feed their kids and live a normal life like the rest of us. These issues run deep, but this has weighed on my consciousness and stayed with me since then.

In February, I was reminded of the people who love me and are there for me on a daily basis. I had a lovely 4th year celebrating Valentines with my man, and my parents also showered me with love despite our distance now. I’m glad I’ve struck a good balance with my family - being close and seeing each other often but still having the necessary distance to grow up and make my own decisons wirhout their overbearing influence. I also got to visit my favorite city, spending some time in Austin again and see my favorite cousin/long distance bestie when she came to visit! School and work are overwhelming at times, but I’m more adjusted and handling my anxiety better. This semester seems near-impossible to handle with 2 internships, 2 graduate courses in a new field for me, and 1 job that I don’t particularly like. But it’s life and I gotta push through it!

Miraculously, things start to align after a pretty shitty mercury retrograde season in which I wrecked my car and dealt with a lot of financial stress. Time seems to be moving faster and I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m noticing this pattern of reconnecting with people from my past - from my old to best friend and neighbor from Kansas, to old internet friends and coworkers, there seems to a pattern of rekindling old connections and friendships. It’s really beautiful and I think a natural part of growing up, because it allows us to see what things change or don’t change over time, the poeple we’re still able to connect with, and who’s really meant to be in our life for the long run. It’s an odd feeling to connect with people from the past, but it makes me feel warm and nostalgic (and old, haha). I’m embracing it with a fully open heart, and I know the universe is sending people, old and new, into my life for a reason and it’s all part of my path.

Then this whole crazy cornavrius and public health pandemic start to get serious. Pavel and I are worried as it starts to rapidly spread and becomes the only topic the news is covering. Houston is a particularly dangerous spot, and we soon have to cancel some concerts we’ve had tickets to for months and our festival trip for our 4th year at Buku. I have asthma and Pavel has CF, so we are both at-risk for serious health complications if we come in contact with this virus since due to our pre-existing conditions.

At first, it’s just dealing with a lot of cancelled plans and upcoming trips - which end up being a blessing in disguise for those financial worries I mentioned. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this public health pandemic is not affecting everyone equally. There are people who are losing their jobs because of the economic impact of this global issue, my dad even expresses concern over his job and company as the oil and chemical industry takes a hard hit. This breaks my heart because he’s been through a lay-off and recession before and it was hard on our family. He doesn’t deserve this stress or to have to go through that again. There are people much worse off though, people who work hourly and can’t make a living due to more and more businesses closing and events post-poning or cancelling.

The world is actually a mess - schools are cancelling, grocery stores are empty, and people are struggling to take care of their kids and find adequate healthcare if they are sick. Everything is political and how these situations are handled directly affects everyone, but of course those at the bottom take the hardest hits as always. I’m struggling to make sense of everything, as many others are too. To me, the weaknesses of our democracy are glaringly clear at a time like this, and being old enough to truly understand it from an economic standpoint too makes it even worse. Individualism is at its peak, as people hoard resources and allow panic and ignorance to take over. Lives are being entirely uprooted and changed, people are feeling serious and immediate effects of this scary time. Little to no support is offered to those most vulnerable - those with disabilities who can’t take care of themselves, elderly people, poor people without access to computers/internet or the money to bulk-buy food and necessities.

Yet people in this country are still afraid and think it’s too radical to elect a ‘socialist’ leader? The way other countries have taken care of people, provided food and resources, while middle-class Americans hoard toilet paper...I wish people had the capacity to understand what this reaction/situation is revealing about us. It says a lot about the disconnect between the American mentality and the actual reality of collective conciousness with the world/humanity.

There is a lot to be said and unpacked about this situation - politically, economically, and socially. But above all I can’t stop thinking about what the universe is telling us right now. Despite the luxuries we have and what life in this ‘first world’ country looks like - we are still human and susceptible to the same things that harm people on the other side of the world. We are not exceptional or special - we are just like anyone else, we are human, and anything that is a threat to humanity is a threat to us. Having modern luxuries doesn’t make us better than the rest of the world, it’s our humanity that connects us there is a larger ecosystem that governs us above any government that we need to respect. Disrespecting the earth, other countries, and other people will always come back to us.

With businesses being closed and global tourism coming to a halt, it’s fascinating to see the earth healing - from Italy’s waterways clearing up to America’s cities having clearer air than ever - capitalism truly proves to be the real epidemic to the earth. When the earth suffers and when we act like none of the pain and bad energy in the world will affect us, the universe reminds us we’re just human and we don’t have control over everything. In fact, we have less control over our lives than we even think if an invisible pathogen can uproot our entire everyday life. Lastly, we’re reminded of the importance of technology as something we’re seriously leaning into at a time like this. To keep us connected, keep us productive, and keep us informed, our technology is proving to more valuable than ever and it’s something that will grow as the peope socially distance but virtually come together.

The universe really needed to check us - for me this is such an important and necessary time for people to slow down, reflect, and think about what really matters. Our collective humanity. We have more in common than we do differences, and it’s literally impossible for one person or country to be better than another because we are all human and have the same fundamental needs of food, shelter, and healthcare. Any country that doesn’t provide those basic needs for their people can hardly be considered ‘first world.’ When billionaires retreat to their well-stocked and isolated homes, while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills and put food on the table - what does that say about us? Are we willing to accept and live in a world like this? Does any person really deserve healthcare more than another simply because of their economic status? To me, these things are what’s truly terrifying, not the virus itself but the scary truths it reveals about our society.

Personally, like I said I feel like I’m feeling these things on a deeper level now that I’ve moved out and am more aware of what it means to earn a living and the costs of life. I’m in an extremely privileged position, but I’m using that really consider how this affects different people and what it can teach me for the rest of my life.

1. Saving money is everything. You can work your entire life away and your company will lay you off no matter what you’ve done for them, and if you’re old and in need your government will say ‘sorry buddy good luck!’ Individualism kills, but that’s why getting your money right and having emergency savings is more important than anything else! This has taught me to prioritize having some seriously hefty savings before I book another trip or buy something I don’t actually need. My parents often tell me to not “spend like an American,” buying things I don’t need or simply want but don’t actually have the money for. I used to roll my eyes at this, but actually understanding the economic hardships they’ve lived through and the experiences that shape their views helps me realize the truth behind it. The American middle class is the biggest trap ever and can make you feel secure when you’re actually not unless you seriously save money and have it in multiple places. Capitalism perpeutes an endless cycle of desire and making you feel like you always need more, but when it all goes to shit, what will you have and be left with?

2. We need to slow down and tap into our collective conciousness more than ever. Maybe actually think about what other people are going through rather than centering yourself all the time. Other people exist and matter as much as you do, and your actions affect things and have a chain reaction. Not just right now, but always. Anything that affects another human being or harms someone else affects you, too because we’re all connected more than we realize. Energetically and literally! Humanity is an ecosystem, and when one part is hurting or damaged, it will eventually affect everything. The world is more connected than ever and we have to realize this, no matter how much media/politics tries to pit groups against each other and create divisions, we are all literally the same. And everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are and what resources they do or don’t have. We are all more interconnected and we need each other. People cannot continue acting selfishly and greedily the way they have been - our lives depend on the actions of other people and we need each other. We should really start acting like it.

3. The world literally cannot go on if we keep consuming and producing things the way we are. After this event, more poeple will work and go to school remotely, which is great because it results in less traffic, less pollution, and it’s better for many people with mental health issues or disabilities! But there are still serious considerations we have to make about what it means that the earth is finally getting a chance to breathe since we’re large businesses are shutting down. When it comes to travel, tourism, and economics, climate change is literally at the center of all of those issues. This is a manifestation of the earth having enough of our shit to be honest, and I wish more conversations were happening about that right now. The earth is a part of us and we are a part of it, and when it’s hurting that will catch up to us and hurt us back.

I suppose that’s all I have for now, but like I said there is so much to unpack but many useful conversations to be had around this current issue as we’re starting to see it’s effects on our world. I know that personally I’m at a huge privilege to be safe, healthy, have shelter and food, and be with someone I love right now. I hope by sharing this, I’ll spark some thoughts or simply have them to refer back to in the future when this is all behind us. The situation may pass eventually, but we shouldn’t forget what it’s desperately calling on us to shift our attention to. I’m honestly loving this extra down time, that we unfortunately don’t get enough, to simply be human and enjoy the company of our loved ones, sleeping in, having more time for our hobbies, or even doing nothing, as it’s necessary for humans to do sometimes! I hope this results in a shift in our collective conciousness that is desperately needed, but for me it’s affirming a lot of important things I already knew but needed to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s easy to get overwhelmed right now and there’s a lot of change to adjust to, but the lessons the universe is sending us are invaluable right now and it’s imperative for people to think for themselves and think really critically about what’s happening, both for others and ourselves.