#not enough money to get a loan for a house and can't rent a place with all the cats so i'd have to just go by myself if i went

[mootmuse]

the downside of subscribing to a substack telling me about US trans news: i now know about US trans news

[mousedetective]

Homeless Disabled/Mostly Queer Family Needs Help...In The Home Stretch Now!

PAYPAL | AMAZON WISHLIST | KOFI | GOFUNDME

VENMO: @penaltywaltz | CASHAPP: $afteriwake23 | ZELLE: DM me for email address

3/21/24

So things have taken a slight turn for the worse, and while the shelter staff is amazing and our caseworker is doing everything she can for us, we just need to get out of a toxic environment and get into housing as soon as we can. The low-income housing fell through (we don't make enough money for a three-person household, even though we could cover the rent), so tomorrow I'm going through the list I got from the Oceanside housing office and calling everyone. I did talk to a lovely person at a complex in Fallbrook about a place we could afford but she said check every week because there may be an opening if a military family has to leave on short notice.

A friend of mine is going to cover most of the last of the loans for us (around $1500) on the 27th or so so we'll have more money to put toward moving costs if a place opens up. I know I have one $140 loan payment, one $125 loan payment and my mom has a $210 payment we need covered, plus we owe the cable company $163 for equipment we have in storage and can't get to until we get housing.

I'm setting a goal for $1000; anything else will go for apartment application fees and food once my food stamps run out (we get three meals a day but Lena is gone from, like, 6 AM to 9 PM and misses them so I send her to Starbucks with food).

$1000/$1200

[ms-demeanor]

If you don't mind me asking, what happened with the nutrition stuff?

The only in-state school accepting nutrition students as a second bachelor's degree is 300 miles away from the place where I can both work and afford housing.

At this point my options are:

Move to the area with the school, which would require quitting my job (losing my insurance!) and probably taking out loans to afford housing.

Take out loans to go to a nearby private school.

Take out loans to go to an out of state program with online classes.

The second and third options would probably cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $100k, and the first option would cost less but would mean there was no possibility of me working to pay for rent or insurance while finishing the degree. I'm just not willing to take on that level of debt for a field that I'm deeply interested in but that doesn't appear to pay well enough to justify that kind of debt when I'm approaching my forties and don't know if I'd be physically able to get through the internship required for certification.

If a local state school ends up opening up their nutrition program to 2nd bachelor's students, I would jump on that immediately, but both programs I was looking at two years ago are no longer open for students in my situation.

So it has nothing to do with losing interest or not being able to keep up with the work, I just plain can't afford it and am unwilling to take that much of a risk.

The community college I'm looking at for the computer science program is a lot more technical than my current school, and has a nutrition certification that is a lot more comprehensive than the classes I've been able to take so far, so I may end up doing some nutrition stuff while I do the computer stuff too.

I had considered getting a nursing degree (because there are a bunch of local state schools with nursing programs open) and focusing on nutrition once I finished that, but I realized that I just don't have the level of interest in nursing that I would need to go that route. The only reason I'm still involved with either computer classes or nutrition classes is because I'm genuinely interested, and I get the feeling that if I tried to finish nursing school I'd waste a lot of time and money and bail out, or I'd finish and I'd hate my options.

So computers and a growing resentment for the US education system it is!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for refusing to lend a friend money? 🐱🐱🐱🐱<- (for finding later)

I (28nb) have a friend (28m) who has recently had some problems with employment. He lost his job but has since found another. He is in a living situation with his fianceé where he pays half the rent.

Today he sent me a message asking, very politely, if he could have $59 dollars to cover his half of their rent. He made it clear in his request that he had not discussed this with his fianceé yet.

I said no - one reason being we recently totalled our car and depleted our savings putting money down on a new one (and those interest rates....still ouch), the other being that we've lent almost 1000k to a different friend of ours over the last two years, and haven't been paid back despite multiple verbal agreements.

We are a two income household making a combined 100k a year, but the majority of our income is spent on rent and our student loans. I feel bad because it seems surface level, $59 dollars isn't really that much of an ask. But looking at our broad finances, we're more in-debt to the institutions our loans are paid to than our actual income. We do, however, live comfortably and are privlidged enough to save some money most months. We do donate to causes, and have in the past given our friends places to stay for months at a time when they have no where to go / are in bad financial situations.

When this friend lost his job, I did help him by brainstorming with him on jobs he could do that would suit his sensory needs, and didn't involve customer service. I did research on multiple places close to him that would also suit his transportation limitations and pay him well while accentuating his skillset, and compiled links to the job listings. He has since been hired and onboarded at one of those jobs; he's a very sweet, genuine individual and I'm truly happy because I was also supporting him emotionally during this time and could see how hard this situation was on his mental and physical health.

The other reason I said no was this - he is getting married in one week from the time I'm sending this in. He made it clear in his message he had not talked yet about how he was short for rent with his fianceé. They live together, and go half on rent. I felt very concerned that he was bringing this to me first, and not to his soon-to-be-wife, who deserves financial transparency from her partner (as do we all). I don't think he ever intended to not tell her, but in my opinion money-matters should always be discussed with your significant other first in a healthy relationship.

I discussed this with my wife and she agreed. I told him we couldn't lend him the money and he said he understood. I also encouraged him to talk to his fianceé because she's his best friend and support. I didn't include my p-o-v that he should discuss money matters with her first and foremost because of their relationship and housing arrangement, because I'm hoping that's a conversation they can have in the immediacy?

But I still feel like an asshole and I'm not sure if it's because I said "No," because I have provided financial / housing assistance in the past to others and didn't this time, or because I actually am an asshole.

So - what do you think?

TL;DR - A soon-to-be-married, recently unemployed and then re-employed friend asked for $59 to cover rent. I have helped other friends in the past with rent and housing but said no because we can't afford it right now (which is true, despite being dual income) and also he hasn't discussed being short on rent with his finaceé / housemate yet.

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Things about America that would give Europeans a heart attack.

Many Americans are expected to drive AN HOUR to work every day. Europeans don't even visit their mom regularly if she lives 30 minutes away.

We measure distance traveled in time. Because sometimes driving 15 miles can take as long as driving 45 miles. How long you'll be in a vehicle is most important.

Zoning laws. Many of us actually do like to walk. Our major cities were designed by automotive lobbyists to force us to buy cars.

Food deserts. There's some places in America with literally zero grocery stores within 5 miles of your home.

Hospital bills. 1 emergency room visit can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Not to mention the $15,000 of you need an ambulance.

Mental health. You can be forced into grippy sock jail against your will. Then stuck with a bill that costs tens of thousands of dollars when you get out.

Speaking of medical bills. Credit reports. Remember that medical bill that costs tens of thousands of dollars? That goes on your credit report if you can't pay it. Which makes it harder to rent, buy a house, buy a car, or get a credit card.

Retirement. You can't get social security until you're 62 and social security isn't enough to live on. You're supposed to be saving money to retire on, on top of that. And based on your family's health history and cost of living. It's not unusual to need $1-2 million to retire. And it's not unusual for people to have to work into their 80s.

College. A hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt isn't unheard of and many Americans are never able to pay it off in their lifetime because interest is like 5-8%. Also. That goes on your credit report.

Minimum wage. I don't necessarily believe that Europeans would be shocked that minimum wage doesn't cover the cost of living here. But there's people that live here that are suprised to find out our minimum wage is $7.20. I've gotten into arguments over this, several times. If Americans don't believe it, how can I expect a European to?

Lack of public transit. Only like, major cities have public transit, and only a few of them have reliable public transit.

Lack of labor unions and union busting. Many European countries like France will go on nation wide strikes if an oligarch sneezes wrong. Companies in America will shut down business in entire states if the unions are getting too strong. Honestly I'm kinda surprised that we don't strike more.

Lack of paid vacation time. In a lot of countries 6 weeks is like normal. My last job I got none. And people legitimately didn't believe me when I said I had to work on Christmas or not get paid (yeah, it was a desk job). Again. If Americans can't believe it. Why would I expect Europeans to? Also I feel like Europeans would just die from the burnout because it's not uncommon for Americans to literally work themselves to death.

No. For real. I have people mad at me because I couldn't go to a family friend's wedding because they didn't believe I didn't have labor day off.

-fae

[briarpatch-kids]

Do you have a tag specifically for the homeowning/getting a home while disabled type posts? Me and my partner really need a place to live, but we can't afford average rent of 800-1000 and my last job left me "more" disabled (heart problems and spine made worse) so now only one of us can work entry jobs, any info on it helps so much.

I don't, I'm sorry but I'm really bad at tagging. I'm always happy to answer any questions though.

When we first bought our house at 100k, the mortgage, including taxes and fees, was $574 a month and we needed to pay about $6500 in fees when we bought it. My credit sucked at the time, so we originally had my husband only on the loan and I think he was making about $12 an hour full time.

When we refinanced, I had fixed my credit and he was making $15 an hour, and the house raised enough in value that we were able to borrow $85k, which raised our mortgage to $1000 a month including taxes and fees, but we used that money to pay off debts and buy a car and get a new roof, cedar siding repaired, all the outgoing plumbing redone, and the house painted, along with a bunch of other stuff we needed so it was worth it and we could afford the payment. Unfortunately we had someone in the house who used us and a significant chunk of the money went to that person, but that means a lot more could be done with that money in different circumstances and you should consider that too.

Now we're kind of slowly doing cosmetic things like tearing down 4+ layers of wallpaper and removing carpet and painting it candy box colors as we can afford to. A $30 gallon of paint here, a box of plaster patch there... it's a bit embarassing when people see it under construction, but the young couple spending decades restoring a broken old house is kind of a type of Guy so it's more socially acceptable than I thought.

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

On the apartment application I asked for a unit on the ground floor. I don't want to schlep furniture and boxes up a flight of stairs again. The good news is it's partially furnished, so I don't need to bring my own bed, but my desk, my chair, my side table, my bookshelves... I'm gonna need to consolidate my life, pick and choose what all to bring with me.

I (tentatively) move in on the 1st, a week from today. I have enough money saved up that I don't need to get a job immediately, but I've already started applying to a bunch of different places anyway. I made $15/hour at my old job, so I won't take a penny less! Oh, and I'll never work customer service again as long as I live. I won't do it. I can't...

It's a 400 mile trip, 7 hours if traffic is good. I've driven it by myself three or four times, and with family probably twenty or thirty times over the years, so I'm used to it, but my car still doesn't have AC, it's the hottest summer in human history, and we're about to enter the peak of hurricane season, so God help me. The blower motor is fine, there's just a bad leak in the coolant line; I can fill it up before I head out and the AC will last me a day or two before it all leaks out again, then I can get it fixed once I'm settled.

I've been out of college for longer than I was in college, and I feel like those years have been wasted. I didn't really do anything to further my career goals or work on any substantive creative projects. I had a housing scholarship in school so I didn't need to work, and my parents haven't charged me any rent since graduating, so I've had training wheels my entire adult life. Hell, even my student loans have been deffered since day one; I had a six month grace period, then a year of $0 payments because I had such low income (short term gain, long term loss; I accrued a ton of interest), and then the pandemic happened, so I haven't had to pay until now. I would have had it all forgiven were it not for trump's nazi bastards on the supreme court. This will be my first real stint at independence, which means BILLS!

I'll be flying without a net for the first time, and it's been a long time coming. I'm an adult, I'm almost 30 and have nothing to show for it. That changes now!

A new chapter of my life can finally begin!

[aechlys]

Just some random stupid ass thoughts I feel like saying into the void.

With the amount of literally nothing I do, human life was wasted on me.

I was never supposed to live past the age of 6 anyway. Or even make it out of the womb alive for that matter. I did every possible thing to NOT exist, and then my parents tried to make me not exist, and somehow I'm still fucking here lmfao. 😂 Doing nothing. 🤣 With literally nothing to do. Because even breathing costs money.

My living situation is stupid. I have nothing to show, not really, for what I *have* done, and I've literally been called a liar before for talking about it 😂

Purgatory in a shitty crumbling infested apartment is no way to live, and I can't do anything about it because any kind of action costs money and the housing situation here has unrealistic standards (try living somewhere and proving you MAKE 40x the rent with a 750 credit score, fuck your savings and student loans)

I can't leave this city if I want to keep doing a job I genuinely love, and if I do the alternative is a place I somehow hate more, plus I would have to buy a car.

Speaking of work, I want to burn every studio executive's house to the FUCKING GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD FUCK THEM FUCK THEM SO MUCH I CANT STAND THIS SHIT THEY KEEP PULLING ANYMORE IF WE GO ON STRIKE AGAIN I WILL END UP IN JAIL FOR ARSON!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really frustrated. To put it mildly.

Also I have virtually no one so there's also that. Just imagine being in a glass tube all the time, that's basically the vibe. I don't know how to break it, or if I can even get enough leverage to break it, or how to get out at all. So I just waste away dying at the speed of entropy doing. Nothing. Nothing. N O T H I N G.

[clotpolesonly]

y'all i am straight up not having a good time today

go forth if you're at all interested in my stress meltdown

i'm in the process of attempting to buy the house i've been renting. the owners want to sell it, but no one wants to buy to rent, they all want to buy and reside, which would require kicking us out, so they took it off the market to offer it to us first. the realtor seemed to be of the opinion that we were in a zone for a certain kind of loan that would make it feasible, but we're not apparently, so we're talking to a lender to figure out what types of loan we do qualify for, trying to figure out if this is a feasible course of action.

1) our lease is up in a month so if we don't succeed in buying the house, we will simply be homeless i guess, cuz it's pretty much impossible for us to find another place to live, secure it, and move into it in the space of 30 days. we are working on a time limit and, as of right now, we have no safety net or backup plan.

2) professionals really overestimate how much normies know about their field because i don't understand 80% of what the lender we're talking to says. i can't even formulate questions to ask, that's how little i understand the topic at hand. i need someone to explain this shit to me like i am 5 years old, especially because it's all theoretical and percentages and estimates and nothing actually TANGIBLE or with a concrete fucking number attached to it. can i afford this?? i don't fucking know, i can't tell, and i don't understand the process enough to even know what to ask for clarification on, i'm just completely lost.

3) all of this is being done in my name and with my money, but my big sister (whomst i live with) is the one who usually does the adulty adult stuff. but she's been having an awful fucking time starting a new job, to the point of an absolute meltdown last week, so i was determined to handle this myself. it's my money, it's gonna be my house, i should not be making her make the phone calls for me, that's stupid. i'm a grown ass adult, i should be able to make phone calls.

and i did! the first few, at least. i've made several calls in the last few days, despite hating phone calls, and i talked to professionals about grown up things and filled out paperwork and found necessary documentation and everything. i didn't even procrastinate on any of it!! i was doing so well!!!

then i found out we're not zoned for the loan the realtor said we were. and the lender started talking about a different one with more fees and more terms i didn't understand. and i already felt like i was just the worst person in the family to be having these conversations cuz my auditory processing is not fantastic and my short-term memory and retention are bad and i can't listen and take notes at the same time and i get overwhelmed and shut down easily

aaaand that's exactly what i did 🙃 go figure.

so my sister (whose work stress was significantly alleviated litchrally like 2 hours ago) has now stepped in to take over while i have my own stress meltdown, and that's only making the meltdown worse cuz now i'm MAD at myself. i was determined to do this myself. the mom friend anxiety override kicked in while my sister was so overloaded, and it carried me through the whole week, and now i'm crashing and i'm crying in my office at work and i feel like shit cuz i couldn't handle it like i said i would. i said i wouldn't make her handle this for me, and i failed, and she's having to do it anyway, and i wanna go HOME but i can't cuz i'm at work and i have to cover phones for the receptionist while she's at lunch and i really hope nobody calls until i stop fucking crying alkdfjghakf

[lunarsilkscreen]

Minimum Wage, and beyond

Let's use any store for an example:

Minimum wage is set at $15 an hour.

In order to break even, which is arguably the entire point of a business to begin with. You need to pay your employees hours worked.

That means you need to sell 2 $10 sandwiches an hour per employee. You make cost of ingredients AND pay that employee.

Now, back in the day before utilities were a thing: water, power, refrigeration, ectera... You didn't need EXTRA to pay the utilities. It wasn't a thing. That's why bartering worked, because the shopkeep could sell goods to the next sap to walk in the door.

And, besides from the assholes, rent wasn't a thing. You bought a plot of land, took out a loan to hire a carpenter and built your house and business on the same spot, called it a day. (Or got some buddies and some brewskis and did it yourselves.)

There's building codes, and inspectors, and utilities, and you have to worry about termites, carpenter ants, other pests, mold, mildew, ASBESTOS!

You gotta pay all *that* on top of the doctor that owns the business that you manage for him while he's in the Bahamas. He's never there, he rarely checks in, he just wants to foot the bill for a continuous dividend.

And shit if you fuck it up, or the business is in a location with no foot traffic. (And since it's to expensive to go outside, now you only interface with people delivering to other people! And those other people will give you a bad review when they inevitably receive their food cold.

Did I mention it was good for nothing doctors that recommended asbestos in the first place as a miracle insulation?

So how the f* are you supposed to make enough money to pay yourself, your employees, and your boss AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH TO PAY UTILITIES!

And on top of *that* what's the next step since you don't work for a corporate infrastructure that has hierarchy beyond *some doctor who owns this place*?

Unless you manage to figure out how to convince the doctor landlord to pay you a bonus for making astronomical returns, this is it buddy. This is your life.

I hope you enjoy Pizza.

So how is it possible that anybody make more than that? How is it, that somebody can get a loan of A BILLION DOLLARS. Refuse to pay it back, and then not go to jail? Is it because you'd have to be an idiot to loan out that much? Well if you got that much to lend, it must be fine.

In America, "pawn stars" has ensured that bartering is like an old fashioned nearly ancient way to make money. Goods are money, disposable items means you can't sell anything. Hell, I've never seen anything at a garage sale go for more than a couple bucks.

The goods as currency just doesn't work if everybody is just waiting to "storage wars" your old stuff when you can't pay your mortgage anymore. It's not value, it's icing for land owners and banks.

So tell me, how is value store supposed to work for the average person? We need to spend money to eat, and for the economy to work, it's mathematically impossible to make ends meet at a business that sells food if the local population doesn't come eat at your establishment.

On a macro scale, what we have isn't working at all.

It wasn't working when minimum wage was $7 it isn't working with minimum wage at $15. We checked the math twice.

How do you ensure an employee can afford room and board, and still have time to participate in politics to ensure a working government and economy?

That is the questions we're trying to answer as we look at the entire system from a macro perspective.

We have to ensure that the plumbers, and the farmers, and the electricians and the mechanics can all get paid a living wage, but they cannot if there is nobody who can afford their services.

So how do we make sure, that the "dirty jobs" that "nobody wants to do" actually have demand for use, AND return on investment to the individual doing them?

I think, that it should be illegal for a residential unit to be used on AirBnB. I think, that they should have to be zoned like regular inns and hotels. I also think, that if somebody who *owns* the house they're living in, or you know, has a mortgage. Then you should mind your own damn business if they have an OnlyFans. unless they're keeping you up at night, or out in the streets, I don't think you should care.

I also think that rental housing should also follow the same rules for Hotels and apartments. They should be zoned for that, and they shouldn't count towards the theoretical residential housing that the city thinks they have.

At the very least, it'll ensure that there's a supply of people nearby to buy pizza from Dr. Pizza's Pizza and Law office.

And you'll be able to keep track of your homelessness issue.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! This is kinda a weird ask but well, I don't really have a reason. Its just that I turned 20 yesterday and I feel so lost, so I was wondering if you had any advice on you know... navigating life in your twenties or something

Hey Nonny!

First off: Happy birthday! I hope it was a good one!

Secondly, Nonny, it's COMPLETELY NORMAL to feel lost at your age, honest to goodness. I certainly felt like my life was going nowhere at that age, being denied from college and stuck working a retail job with no benefits because they refused to give me the final 2 hours I needed to be full-time.

I actually answered a similar ask back in May 2022 from a Nonny who didn't know what they should do now that they were 19, and I think that the advice is fitting for someone in your place as well. The long-short (HAH, spoilers, it’s not short at all) of it is this, plus some extras I missed on that last post:

Get your finances sorted as soon as you're making some money.

You DON'T have to have everything figured out already. It's SO FUCKING ANNOYING that people y'all are supposed to look up to preach the whole grind-set mentality, which in turn makes people feel like utter failures before they're 25. It's SO gross and a horrific way of putting pressure on people that – let's be real – these people only see as chattel for babies or future mindless worker drones who won't question authority.

Take your time to figure out what you want to do. I took a two-year gap between high school and college, and I don't regret it. I didn't go back to school until I was 21. My gap years were used to work. I was also fortunate enough that my parents let me live at home rent-free during this time, so I KNOW that I am more privileged than most. If you can do it though, and it's safe for you to do it, I recommend it. It will give you time to REALLY consider your options and career choices, and not jump from course-to-course and accrue more and more debt.

University is NOT better than Community College. They drill the opposite in your brain when you're in high-school because – guess what – University costs more of YOUR time and money. Absolutely, there are things only Uni can do that you can't at college... think of it this way: if you want a more hands-on career that will give you beneficial skills all across the board, take college. If you want a career that requires a bunch of letters before or after your name, take university. It's literally that simple. I wish someone told me that in high school when I felt like utter garbage for getting denied from university. Now, nearly 2 decades later, I have a fulfilling career that I enjoy, for the most part.

Sometimes, University OR College isn't the answer. A lot of people just don't go on to post-secondary education, and THAT'S OKAY. North America (and probably other continents and countries) have made education a luxury product, something only those who get approved for loans or can afford to pay the admission fees can have. There's NOTHING wrong with being an apprentice for a skilled labour job, or wanting to work retail and want to move up in the company. Sometimes that's YOUR calling. Hoity-toity, entitled people will sneer at the same people who fix the electrical or plumbing work in their houses or make them their no-foam 7$ lattes in the morning, which I've always found rather hypocritical and hilarious. Do what's best for YOU, and not what's best for someone else. Heck, if YouTube is what you want to do, do that. Research. Go to Skillshare or Linda.com and self-teach yourself some useful skills. Do you like to write? Write that novel you wanted to, and fish it out for interest. Are you an artist? Make a serious go at selling your work.

Know your worth. I know it's hard, but please know that you are not any better or worse than someone else. Regardless of your path in life, know that people will pay you fairly for your skill if they're not a "choosing beggar" and know the value of it.

Learn about yourself. I had my journey of self-discovery in my mid 30's. I wish I had it sooner. Since you have the time, maybe start soul searching and asking yourself questions about yourself and what you want to do. It's a scary thing, but in the end, you will come out more at peace with yourself and the world around you.

It's okay to enjoy things, be it fandom, food, entertainment, a place, a hobby, or life itself. Don't let people tell you otherwise.

You're never too old to have fun.

Be your authentic self. Don't be shamed into thinking you're "cringy". And if you don't know who your authentic self is, I direct you to my "learn about yourself" point. I used to put too much value into what people thought about me, and to an extent, I still do care a bit since I sadly have divided myself up into 4 different people: Work Steph, Personal Life Steph, Fandom Steph, and Public Steph. It's a system that's worked for me, but it doesn't for everybody, and I wish now I could be Personal and Fandom Steph for my Public and Work Steph. BUT, again, I try my best to be my authentic self when I can these days... because honestly? Betty from Economics 1A won't even fucking remember your name in 2 years. Billy from Accounting will give no fucks about you after you leave your previous job. It's an unnecessary stress we hold ourselves to, thinking people care more than they actually do. And you know what? If they actually DO care in a way that negatively impacts you, that's THEIR fucking problem, not yours.

Parents and family aren't always right. Not gonna go into the full details here on my own personal story since it can be found across various other posts, but long-short is that sometimes, cutting certain people out of your life for your own sanity and mental health, despite your best efforts to try to keep some semblance of a relationship with them, is the only answer. You'll feel sad, but you won't regret the decision. Reading about psychology as a hobby in my spare time helped me see what was happening wasn't fair to myself, and looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective made me see that the person was doing more harm than good.

Therapy is GOOD, even if it's just a once-a-month thing. Now that I'm finally talking to someone about my own traumas, no matter how minute (and even some I wasn't aware even affected me), I'm finally understanding that what happened in the past wasn't my fault, and that my feelings of self-doubt are valid and we're working on learning self-love.

You don't have to have a significant other in your life to be happy. Another bullshit thing that going to religious schools fucking drilled into my head, was trying to convince me that I needed a man (HAH!) and a child (SNORTS NO THANKS) to feel fulfilled in my life. Well, joke's on them, I am 100% not straight, and 100% do not want kids NOR sex, so LOOOOOOOL (of course, I didn't know about the former until I did that soul-searching thing, heh. The latter was brought about mostly from retail work). Am I lonely? Of course I am, and yes, I DO want someone to spend my days with, but you know what I'm not? I'm never bored, and I make my own entertainment. I go to movies and on trips by myself. I'll eat at a restaurant by myself. It's honestly great. Downside is, though, now I'm FIERCELY independent, and I am REALLY frustrated if / when something disrupts my "normal" day. I need to plan a day with friends WAY in advance so that I can mentally prepare to be disrupted from my "timeline", that other people just don't follow schedules like I do. And that's okay.

Get hobbies outside of blogging. This is more self-advice to me than anything else. Don't let being perpetually online be the only thing you do. Enjoying the outdoors or knitting or going for a run are underrated. Being on Twitter or TikTok all day long is VERY BAD for your mental health. Learn to re-connect with people. I know this is hypocritical of me to be saying as the Tumblr addict that I am, but you're still young, save yourself, my god, lol. Seriously though, there's nothing wrong with spending a couple hours a day online, but unless it's your job, just... find something other than being glued to your phone or computer as a hobby. Playing a video game is just as productive.

Learn to cook and/or do basic home economics, like sewing and cleaning. Another thing they stopped teaching in school. I learned to cook in school. We had a home-ecs course in high-school. I learned basic sewing, and which chemicals should NOT be mixed together to clean. I learned I love LOVE baking. LOVE IT. And I'm an AMAZING baker. It's just TOO fucking hot in the summer to bake in my apt, lol.

It's okay to be stressed, and it's okay to cry as a release mechanism for that stress. I've been mocked in my younger years for crying when I'm frustrated, and in my older years I feel shame when I do. I'm not crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because I'm frustrated and stressed and a situation feels out of my control. My therapist told me it's a totally normal response, and I guess I just needed someone to tell me that, so I'm here to tell you that too. Regardless of your gender identity, IT'S OKAY TO CRY.

And branching off of that, you're not showing weakness when you show compassion and empathy for other people. Honestly, this world would be a better place if more people cared about other people in a genuine way.

Which segues nicely into: Never, EVER hesitate to show you care. Love comes in many forms, and saying "I love you" can mean the world to someone. I do it because I genuinely care about people, and because the one time I didn't say it, I couldn't ever say it to that person ever again. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and yes, I get hurt a lot, but for that one hurt I feel, I'm certain that 5 other people genuinely needed to hear SOMEONE, ANYONE tell them that they are loved or that someone is thinking of them. At least that's my hope, anyway.

There's a reason they're called "safe spaces" and even neurotypical people, and people who mock them need them, even if they don't realize it. My safe space is my bedroom wrapped in blankets and hugging exactly 2 pillows, with my phone and an old fave fic queued up in iBooks. Yours might be your car, or a place with lots of people, or an online forum, or heck, even your work's bathroom stall in a pinch. Sometimes we just need a place to go to to re-collect ourselves and mentally prep ourselves to deal with bullshit again. Find yourself a few comfort places, because believe me, as you get older and have to deal with more and more and MORE bullshit in today's economy and society, you will need a place to deescalate your mounting tension. I make sure I have one in every place I go to regularly.

So yeah, not much else I can think of at the moment, but I hope these will get you started. I hope you are alright, lovely, and I am sorry for the delay in a response... I just needed a block of time I could sit down and really give you a heart-felt response.

If I think of anything else, I'll tag them on here, but please know that, again, it's OKAY to feel lost. My lord, you're ONLY 20. You AREN'T supposed to have it all figured out yet!! Just... breathe, relax, and just let life play out the way it's supposed to for you. <3

Love you, Nonny!

And friends, if you have some life experience you would like to share with this smol bean, please do! <3

[thinfatfit]

omg no i pretty much cut myself off from family too but when I was 23, i can't imagine bring an orphan obvious there must be so much pain there and it's very different. But I think even tiny things like I hung out with a friend and her mum bought her lunch. or like family giving leftovers. Having someone to drjve you somewhere. Being alone somewhere late at night and not having a 'last resort' for someone to call. Every doctors office asks for an emergency contact and I put down a friend I have i asked her and she let me luckily. But it still feels very tentative. Also having ppl who've known u since birth and feeling safe abd stable with them and having them know your quirks and yoru personality. Having little things in common and missing those moments together. Jesus like the stability of a job or having choices and options even in a small way. even having family connections that can help you even if its just a friend of a friend knowing someone at a place that's hiring. Or having someone older and experienced who will vouch for you. Having ppl who can help with moving who can even things like. Giving you old furniture or random stuff if ur like 'Damn I don't have x thibg.'and theyre likd 'Oh we have an old... sewing machibe/some old plates/an old wardrobe they can give you. Like... or even not having room for smth and veing able to leave it with them. Like u gotta be able to take care of everything you own. And not having anyone or anything to fall back on. It's terrifying. Even stuff like family history and information bc u wanna know what u were like as a kid. Or to get a diagnosis. Or some kids book or old thing u wanna remember. And u can't just go ask them. All of that memory and information is just. Gone or inaccessible to you. And it's really lonely. ❤❤❤

Yes I 100% with every single thing you said yes yes yes and we both know there are a million other things too. One thing I thought of reading this is not being able to have someone to co-sign a loan with you or sign as your guarantor if you want to rent an apartment and you don’t earn whatever they’re random minimum is (even though you earn enough to more than pay rent).

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. It sucks and it is super lonely agreed. And just like….. no one understands. And yes get triggered when my friends say or I see small things like they have food at their house from their mom. Also ya just constantly have to justify and explain why life is so hard without a family. Also people who have families but are like I’m pretty self sufficient and brag about how independent they are and I’m like you get all these perks you don’t realize. Lol one time this girl was saying that if her kids are eighteen when she dies she won’t leave them any money even if she has it because she was self sufficient at that age (she wasn’t lol). I hate all those people who are like you don’t need a family past 18 and I’m like tell me you have a family without telling me you have a family.

[anendoandfriendo]

Smh, people are super insensitive about money. If as a class everyone talks about backup headphones and we say that may be too expensive, and then someone says "but you'll miss more money having to take a day off Rusanya," we don't think that person has ever been piss-poor enough to like:

Be forced to use literal duct tape on their headphones just to make them last for the next month while you scrape up just a bit more money. This is the third time you've taped that headset.

Have it so just spending $600 on a job laptop gouged literally half of your savings at the time making you worry about how to pay your rent and your car insurance and your student loans all at once.

Almost become homeless during university during the WINTER despite working extra hours until you nearly dropped, and cut down on your food so much you would literally have milk for breakfast some days.

Like, we don't think this person meant to be a bitch, but we have no idea how to bring that up because we were trying to bring up (tactfully, maybe a bit TOO tactfully) that sometimes it takes everything in someone's bank account just to keep your job and sometimes a backup headset is not an option. Living like that does Something to you. Like, we ain't gonna delve into how we nearly went homeless while in university because nobody would hire us when we kost desperately needed the full time job as we rented an apartment, and that we had to ditch our cat at the mother's house for a semester and lied through our fucking teeth for as long as we could so we didn't end up being in a toxic situation yet again.

We have only recently gotten to a point where we can feel even mildly comfortable and we feel extremely hurt when people just say stuff. There is, in fact, a reason we did not say "did you know we're very lucky because we nearly went homeless in the winter of 2018 when those negative 40 temperatures hit because the only place we could get a job would only hire us part time because it was a student university job on campus and they legally could not hire us for more than that, so we took extra shifts constantly and STILL couldn't make enough and that fuckes us up to the point we are STILL AFRAID TO BUY A PAIR OF BACKUP HEADPHONES you fucking jackass?" and that is because that would probably get us fired, if not for the cussing then for the fact that's maybe just a little too much information in a professional context. 😬

We don't talk about this aspect of our life, ever. It was a very scary experience and we were getting to the point we were trying to figure out how both us and our cat would survive. Our crowd funding never worked. We just...choose to forget about it intentionally because the options were literally "ditch our cat, move back in with abusive family, or literally die," and we had just BARELY avoided that... We think at the time we decided "just die in the winter cold," was the better option but damn if we wouldn't fight like hell to delay that.

We're absolutely certain this person meant well. That comment still feels like an insult to our intelligence!!! And we can't help how we feel about this!!! Why can't we stop being angry???

[glitchafton]

Vanessa: So I think I solved my Hurricane housing problem.

William: I don't like that you have a Pizzaplex map pulled up while saying that.

Vanessa: Okay so at $7.50 an hour there's nothing that I can afford without either living exclusively off stolen food or taking a roommate which is even less of an option than it is here.

Vanessa: However! I noticed above the laser tag area there's this little unmarked room that could be something. It's at least big enough to live comfortably enough in, there are showers in the basement so I don't have to worry about that.

And this way, without having rent to deal with, I can keep up on my student loans and can still put a tiny bit into savings, which is better than nothing.

William: And if they're using it for something else, or perhaps someone else had the same idea?

Vanessa: So good news is I need to get there before most of the other grunt staff because of being head of security so if it's actually unused, I get first dibs on the prime squatting spot of the building. If not...You said this will be about a year?

William: Give or take if there isn't any major issue.

Vanessa: Right, if I can't stay there...well I have a car and looking at the long stay motels, they're not the worst place I've lived.

I'll still be stretching the paychecks but I have a bit saved up, if I have time I could go back to the thrifting resale side-hustle, plus I hate saying it but the gifts you've been sending me...

William: Outside of one or two things, they were the best way to compensate you that wouldn't be as easy to track. I won't hold it against you for selling them, just keep them as a break glass in case of emergency option.

Vanessa: I just feel insane worrying so much about money considering why I'm going to Utah in the first place...

William: Vanessa, darling, we won't get far if you're stuck struggling for basic survival.

Believe me I'm saying this from experience, before Fredbears, Giselle and I saw it as a good month if we were left with £50 by the end of it.

Vanessa: Since when did you get so fucking understanding? Can you have some sarcastic comment or petty comment about my priorities being a mess...

William: You'll have plenty of time to contemplate volunteering to murder children later.

Right now what's important is getting all the pieces in the right place for the next phase which will run much more smoothly if you have somewhere to live.

Vanessa: I understand, sir.

William: Good girl.

If everything goes smoothly you could be free of me and back here by this time next year.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i (24M) stopped paying for groceries for my disabled aunt(62F)?

for reference, I live with my elderly aunt in a house my parents are leaving me. she needed a place to stay outside of her home city that wasn't loud or full of crazy family, and i need a place to stay while i work part time and try to work my way through this codecamp, so my mom offered it to us provided i pay for rent and bills. i give up 2/3rds my monthly paycheck for rent and bills my meds, therapy, paying off loans, lawncare, some help with the groceries, transportation, with some left over for savings. my aunt is on fixed income and pays for her medical bills, rent, bills, meds, insurance and such. she also sends a fair amount of money to her adult son.

the thing is, my dog has been really sick lately. she's an old dog, and we just found out she developed arthritis in her back. the vet bills aren't cheap, but she still has a lot of life in her, and it isn't bad enough to where she needs to be put down. they also cut my hours at work (i work part-time so i can try and focus on class, which... doesn't always help, with the adhd) so i've been getting paid less these last few months. over the last few months though, i've also been trying to help a little more with the groceries, since the prices of meat have been going up.

the thing is, i literally do not have the money to pay for groceries this month. my dog has been getting sicker and ive been stressed between class and my declining work hours, and my aunt is asking me when i'm going grocery shopping. i just don't have the money, and she seems understanding, but then i learn from my mom that while we're both struggling here my aunt's son is living outside his means, partying and spending money on cars and cheating on his girlfriend. and my aunt is still sending him money.

we still have some food in the house, so it's not like we're starving- we just don't have as much meat as my aunt would like. but i can't pay that right now, because i literally have nothing rn and even though i get paid friday, most of that's going for rent, so i'll barely have anything. I need to at least save up a little this month so i can try and pay off my credit card too...

so WIBTA if i just told my aunt i'm not paying for groceries this month?

What are these acronyms?

[arosebyan0thername]

Angry life vent under the cut, don't read if you don't want negativity

Ok yeah I do definitely still resent my step mom for not getting a job and just relying on uber and doordash for almost a year after she lost her first stable job since moving west, and I do resent both of my parents for choosing to take out loans to go on cruises when they were barely even paying their bills on time. My dad is disabled and can't work and he's blaming himself for trying to get on disability instead of just getting another job that he can't do, but if she had sucked it up and gotten another desk job even though she *didn't wanna* then they wouldn't be so far in debt right now that they can't even afford a lawyer to help fight the foreclosure they're being threatened with.

I was living with my mom in pennsylvania and I'm mad that she didn't tell me that rent is super high where she is and I wasn't going to be able to afford to get a place on my own out there before I moved, but honestly I did really love the life that I had in PA, except living with my mom, and if I could've afforded to get an apartment out there, I would've stayed. I moved back to Nevada after my step dad relapsed and my mom thought she was gonna lose her house and have to move back in with my grandmother and there was no room for me there, but here we are now still on the verge of losing the house. And my job is currently cutting hours; I was already down to four days this week and next and then my boss told me not to come in for the first 4 hours of my shift today bc we're so slow, and I'm still trying to pay off my current semester of college.

AND I dont have a car bc some fucking asshole was speeding around a curve down a hill in the dark on fucking gravel and totaled mine, so now I can't even move out of state without enough money to rent a uhaul.

And my mom has been texting me for two days about my alcoholic brother and his alcoholic girlfriend and all the fights they've gotten into and the shit he's saying about our family while he's shitfaced and I dont know why she's dumping it all on me but it's just not helping.

I'm not even asking for good parents, I just wish I had fucking stable parents