#not exactly an in depth analysis just something i noticed

[sleeping-realist-waking-dreamer]

in the pokemon brain zone once again

ok so i feel like larry is honestly just something something overqualified meme of just being stuck in pokemon training

like, he was initially having fun with the whole pokemon raising and training thing, hell, using the geeta rival headcanon maybe she was his rival who got him involved. he grew up and was invited to be a gym leader and he was, obviously a good battler. inviting the area zero sorts of headcanon he has a very important role and would have to be a really skilled trainer. but its just like, not really any sort of passion anymore. like, either between the mental illness feels burnout or just, growing out of the phase, he only really keeps doing it because its just his most stable option and well if it aint broke dont fix it.

like i think hes grown past some jaded views he might have had towards being a league member, seen the job for what it is, and its gone from dream job to just... what gets the bills paid.

man im so close to derailing this post into my anti capitalism rant but rlly i just think larrys an old prune whos just not into the job anymore but trying to move on and do anything else is just not viable in this economy, hed have to start from zero relevant experience again and thats just not realistic.

[sharonisthebettercarter]

billy butcher and addiction--

felt there's a need for a good and proper analysis for this fucker (as well as i can manage, maybe throw in a bit of a rant on poor fandom etiquette, 'three laws of fandom' are an oldie but a goodie lol) so here we go i guess--

i wanna start by saying this is a full scope character deep dive (sortaish?? best i can do take it or leave it--lol i might go further in depth on specific scenes or whatnot later, i'm longwinded but i'm tryin' to condense as best i can for this, aaaaaaaaaaand long long post ahead--) that def includes elements solidly confirmed in dear becky and probably leans more on comics billy overall, but def does intertwine and interlock with show billy (as they are essentially the same, garth ennis' own words went something like 'he's a perfect billy butcher' lol)

i'll try to avoid spoilers (??) for the most part like dear becky, but there are some things that may need more context (there is quite a bit of in the show that works well enough to represent anyway but i guess we'll see how this goes, i may end up talking more about the show elements and how they parallel with comics billy anyway)

i also think it's worth mentioning that there's a lot to billy (especially in the comic) i feel fandom either ignores, dismisses or doesn't want to acknowledge, or just doesn't notice.

whether from personal bias/prejudice, desire (fitting billy into that 'alpha's alpha' toxic masculinity 'dom top' fever dream 'mold' so to speak, probably--no, definitely the *worst* way to interpret and easiest way bungle up his character, it completely misses the fact that billy has built *that* 'daddy approved' version of himself as a *facade* to *hide* his own shame and insecurity, and he is *so* much more complex than that nonsense (and genuinely uncomfortable and unhappy being that way-beyond the subtle guilt of a constant high). can we talk about the ways in which fandoms promote and perpetuate toxic masculinity--what, no time we'll be here all week?? oh, okay. jesus fucking christ that is exactly as bad if not worse than the maga chud interpretation and unironic worship of homelander--), lack of personal experience/familiarity, understanding--fuck it, even lack of education in media analysis or reading comprehension (if not both), and *especially* being pro-censorship/americentric/*stuck* with purity culture blinders (or even some part of them lingering)

all of those can def make media (and characters like billy) that isn't 'cookie cutter america-approved' fairly difficult to understand or accept (i guess??)

i've seen so much listed to hell and back in attempts to describe comics billy. 'he's a piece of shit' *YES*. 'he's just wish fulfillment for the author's hatred of superheroes' *no*??? let me not get into the complete hypocrisy of someone who writes or enjoys fanfic--the epitome of *wish fulfilment*--unironically complaining about other authors doing this and thinking it's a legit complaint. how does *anyone* read the entire story and come to *that* conclusion???

did you even bother reading the comic? no, i don't mean glossing over it with a completely closed mind while actively ignoring and dismissing everything important put in front of you and designed to make you think because the blood and guts or other is too distracting apparently, i mean *actually* reading it thoroughly and making an effort to think about what's being presented and why, waiting for the drop *instead* of jumping to judge (as is the american way)

and to some degree, i get it. i wouldn't say this comic is the easiest to digest (especially if completely unfamiliar with many of the themes presented, even the show has sparked some ass takes and interpretations) there's also plenty of common misconceptions, one in particular about garth ennis 'hating' superheroes. this is actually not true, what he hates is how the superhero *genre* has bottlenecked the comics industry and what is more likely to see success in it (and as a fellow creative, i completely understand how frustrating that would be, his main interest is actually war stories)

it's def one thing to say, 'nah, i don't vibe with the style' or 'it's not really for me/my taste but it's fine if others like it', i get that, satire and horror aren't for everyone. honest critique is fair even.

but it is a whole 'nother thing entirely to pretend your own personal tastes are *the only 'correct' creative law* and then *vehemently* oppose or hate something an artist created and denounce, harass, or fuck--dehumanize the people who enjoy it, if not the artists who work(ed) on it.

i'm sorry, this is a tangent cause it's def not limited to the hate the boys comics or ennis gets *at all*, it's especially prevalent in *literal* kids media like teen titans go where the thing in question is simply put--*NOT MADE FOR THE SHITHEADS NONSTOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT* when they can literally, *LITERALLY* just *accept* that they weren't the *target audience* and move the fuck on with their day, happy as can be. *instead* of shitting on something *or the people who like it* to make literal *children* or other people feel bad about liking it.

it's one thing to try and educate people or have discourse and discussion, it is another entirely to *bully* them over something so *stupid* as *fiction*.

i especially have a problem with this shit when i have *several* artists tell me that they don't feel *safe* or *welcome* being themselves, liking or creating what *they* want to make in a fandom *because* of the fandom attitude and normalization of *hate* within that fandom.

i *thought* fandoms were supposed to be about *love* so what the fuck is this human tribalist false dichotomy bullshit??

and of course, that's not always the case. there is also an unbelievable level of respect that is given to fanartists and fanfiction writers, and that is *beautiful*. 'don't like, don't read'. *PERFECT*. curate your own content, complain or rant in your own spaces--you're entitled to an opinion, but *accept* that it still has a right to exist and other people still have a right to love it (and aren't wrong for that, opinions cannot be objective), *even if you don't like it*. just don't engage then, it's that simple.

now extend that level of courtesy to the people, artists and writers in the industry.

no, i'm not trying to shut down criticism of media, proper critique is how we learn and grow and understand better and in turn *create* better. yes, they can fumble the fucking bag too, especially when adapting something from a source material and--like *some* fanfic writers out there--think they can do it 'way better'.

but the people in the industry? who bend over backwards, going on strike in some cases, breaking their necks to work on and create the things that we *love* and latch onto?

they're people too. and whether the thing they make goes *exactly* how we want or not, however you feel about the money in the entertainment industry (which they see barely a dime of if those fucking strikes and constant mistreatment are any indication), they don't deserve to be treated like scabs.

that mentality of 'not my personal taste = universally bad' and 'anyone who disagrees with my opinion is wrong' is fucking gross and *extremely elitist*, just straight up announcing how pretentious, obtuse, willfully arrogant and ignorant, and *lacking in self awareness*--the number one easiest way to be the *shittiest* kind of artist/writer/critic--you are. it is *exactly* like cishet white men complaining about something being 'bad' because it's 'woke' or has anything *besides* a cishet white man for the protagonist.

*god forbid something isn't tailor made specifically for them.*

swear to gawd, i got a list of different bullshit and circle jerking i've seen all across different fandoms for different reasons. no i'm not mad at any one person in particular, just a little salty from recurring problems and gatekeeping (ghoulfucking-GHOULFUCKING OF ALL THINGS I--I CANNOT) if not straight up bullying (does it really make a bitch feel *so* much better to try and hurt other people for liking what they, and let's be honest, are not willing to give the time of day?) in fandoms. (the complete audacity of people to complain about a media being 'childish' or 'bad' because 'insert nonsensical trivial bullshit here that holds no weight because it's personal taste if not flat out wrong and not actual critique' and then turn around and throw the biggest fucking tantrums about it--let me not get into the whole sharon carter debacle jesus christ--)

same shit. different pile.

also, fuck me. i keep *forgetting* that genuinely valid critique (*not* personal taste/opinion, proper critique pertains to things like techniques used, composition, narrative consistency and plot holes, goals of the artist/writer, accomplishments of those goals, etc.) is something that needs proper education and understanding all on its own which not a whole ton of people get or even know, which just goes to show--i'm a dumbass too. (but i won't deny that plenty of 'critics' are full of shit and *know* this but use their 'personal taste' as 'critique' *anyway* because... they enjoy being complete assholes and discouraging other artists i guess.)

y'all, take a class or two in art critique and literature analysis. you'll learn all the cool lingo (to later forget if you're like me~), and maybe (hopefully) walk out with a bit more of an open mind wanting to encourage more art in the world, even if you don't personally like it. take a moment to *listen* to differing opinions in their *entirety* and you might even gain a new perspective.

*no one* should be ashamed to ask questions or admit they don't know or understand something and fuck the people that would make you feel that way. *we can and should help each other.*

but stagnant or hostile fandoms with no self awareness and perpetuated elitism circle jerks? *really* fucking shameful, regardless of the form or where they are.

ANYWHO--

ugh, fuck. okay. i think i'm done with that tangent, back on topic--

BILLY BEAN~<3

and i want to reiterate that *again*, dear becky *does* confirm pretty much everything i'm going to discuss here tho technically speaking, nothing is spoiled here as it's just reiterating what is implicit (if not stated outright) throughout the series.

as far as dear becky goes, it's a good final gut-wrenching piece to the series and i loved it, but it definitely leaned on more of 'tell' instead of 'show, don't tell' (no duh in context, but probably because the rest of the comic did the 'show'--very well imo but it still flew over peoples' heads and made them misplace their brains--i'm sorry, i've just lost so much patience for the lack of reading comprehension and media literacy, but honestly? ennis is genuinely too good at knowing how to spark a strong emotional reaction in readers. and can we talk about the dense mofos that *make* authors have to 'tell' just to confirm something that is heavily implied--what, no time? oh, fuck, fine.)

OKAY--

addiction.

what about it, and why am i mentioning it. well. because if it's not clear by now, william butcher is an addict.

and it is one of, if not the core element that drives him to do what he does.

not becky or becca. not justice.

addiction.

and i don't mean traditional substance abuse (though he admits there has been as much in his life, especially with alcohol, his drug of choice is a bit more complex and maybe not so easy to spot on the surface for those unfamiliar with addiction).

in the show, we even see him mention that he's 'done 'em all' and there's *nothing* like temp v--and it's because temp v *amplifies* his *addiction* to the highest level it could exist on.

something else to note, there's a ton of stigma and widespread (ableist) misconception surrounding addiction still (which may be part of why people may not want to recognize it in billy), but it is absolutely a clinical mental disorder and people who suffer from it should be treated as *medical patients*, not reduced to violent criminals and scumbags. (fuck you drug war and prohibition, you are the root of organized crime and you're racist as shit.) it's also possible to become addicted to *anything*. and i mean *anything*.

if you can repeat a behavior and your brain no longer cares whether or not that behavior is causing you harm because there is a *compulsive* urge for that *repetition* or a specific result from it? that is addiction. money, anger, pain, violence, self harm, attention, love...

you'd think the last one might be okay, but it's not. it's an easy way to get caught in the infinite loop of an abusive relationship, just with promise of it. no delivery necessary.

but it doesn't have to be drugs that cause addiction. hell, gambling addiction is a thing all it's own that can get *incredibly* severe.

and listen, too much of *anything* can be horrible for you. fucking coconut will give you the runs if you eat too much that shit is *not* fun pun intended--

i digress.

in billy's case? he's actually addicted to two i just listed.

violence. and self harm.

i mentioned before that what drives billy has next to nothing to do with what happened to becky or becca.

there's a common misconception that, at the end of the day, billy does have some level of good intent behind his actions, and to a degree this is true in the *complete reverse* of what people often assume, and this is proven repeatedly in both the show (with just what we have seen) and comic (where its laid out too heavily to ignore).

setting aside the fact that there's *never* a good 'rEaSoN' to commit or even attempt *genocide* (EVER. i have ZERO patience for the constant apologism of this bullshit, SWEAR TO GAWD FANDUMB--) and billy's genocidal tendencies on their own, the idea that 'he goes after homelander for becca' or 'justice' has been completely debunked.

'justice is not vengeance'

something to always keep in mind.

but... in the first season? hughie called him out on this.

butcher calls him a 'disgrace to robin's memory', and hughie--bless his little heart, responds with 'i think i'm doing this *for* her.'

it's an interesting response, because hughie is essentially saying--

'you'll *die* for this woman, but that's not what she would have wanted. i'm going to *live* for robin, and for *annie*, because *that's* what she would have wanted.'

and he's absolutely right. billy loved becca, would have died for her. but he refuses to listen and *live* for her.

the group therapist too even before hughie. she literally laid it all out, front and center in the clearest way possible, 'it's a defense mechanism', and then butcher had his little meltdown just before telling hughie about becca, everything he can, including *using* other peoples tragedies and his own *specifically* to manipulate hughie and try and make sure *starlight* can't *save* him from what butcher is trying to turn him into.

*so that hughie stays stuck on his reason to die, instead of finding one to live.*

in the second season, *becca* herself calls him out on this, multiple times.

'you put me on this pedestal but i never knew how to save you'.

'--i didn't come to you, i went to vought--.'

and that's just it, becca (and becky in the comic) is *intimately* familiar with billy's *addiction* and the underlying mental health issues he *wouldn't address*. she didn't tell him what happened even after the shock of it because she *knew* that it would just become a reason for billy to *give in* and be his worst self to a degree where she would *lose him* regardless of what she felt or asked for from him.

she felt she had to *suffer in silence* to *protect him* from *himself*, something that ends up *destroying* her.

becca wanted to *save* billy, but more importantly, she wanted *him* to *save himself* because she *believed in him*, *so much*.

'i never wanted that for you.'

she doesn't want billy to drown and suffer or cause harm in his own hatred and addictions. she *loved* him so much so, that she was willing to *drown herself* if it meant she could save *him*. she loved him *too much*.

billy's mum too, even tries to help in her own way. (she is much less aware of billy's activity in the comic, but we'll come back to her. for the show, this was likely in response to seeing the news about *stillwell*, something his dad fucking *praised* him for)

'--that he wouldn't have this hold on you--'

billy's actions are almost entirely driven by the *addiction* his father forced on him. on doing the things that would make his 'daddy' *proud*. and the thing is, he's *fully aware* of this.

he constantly *says* that *becca* is his 'reason', that she was his *cure*, but she's the *excuse*. his *new addiction* and *self medication* (also billy, you fucking cunt you *know* what you do and have no leg to stand on when it comes to self medicating--)

both in the worst of what he does and his rejection of addressing his own traumas, and she is *unwilling* in this endeavor. she never wanted this hate to consume him, she never wanted all of this death with her name as the signature, *she never wanted billy to be his father*, much less be something much worse.

he even admits as much in the third season when he hallucinates lenny who tells him his actions would 'break becca's heart'

billy responds something along the lines of 'becca's dead, it doesn't matter what she thinks'. (a line presented in the comic even more harshly, but it drives the point home perfectly.)

when he sees lenny again in his nightmare--

'i'm not that bastard--.'

'come off it billy, you always have been. cause anyone who's ever loved you, you end up gettin' 'em killed, don't ya--.'

'--the last person on god's green earth tryin' to stop you from bein' a monster, and what do you do? drag him down to your level... when he dies... and he will... then no can stop you.'

OOF OUCH OWIE--. the lenny stuff hits so damn hard but it represents *perfectly* what butcher's own *internalized beliefs* are.

mallory calls him out on it literally every season.

'--but billy! not the others!'

'it's like asking a cockroach to not be a cockroach--'

'--because it wouldn't stop with just homelander--'

'this was never about ryan or becca, it was always selfish. the hate inside that you want to let loose on the world.'

'--i was wrong... you are your father, always have been...'

and then there's billy's subsequent impulsive reaction to push ryan away, and *be his father*.

but hell, even in gen v when mallory is speaking to shetty.

and truthfully, billy was even showing *withdrawal* symptoms at the beginning of the third season.

billy himself, even *self punishes*, picking fights he knows he *won't* win as a way to counterbalance *and* satisfy his own addiction, infinite loop. vicious cycle.. (ooh i will def be coming back to the big one here--), and we see this in one *HUGE* way, and in many many smaller ways, but even in the more literal sense of going to bars, starting trouble, and laughing or smiling when he's getting beat the fuck up or *losing*.

it's even highlighted in the show, billy *seeking out violence* and conflict whether he should or not, *especially* when unnecessary. getting his own face busted up and smiling because of it is something that happens multiple times in the comic (even on accident in one instance), and is def given a place in the show. it's easy to pass off as billy simply being a masochist (which is def true lmao he does admit as much), but there's also more to it than that and it goes hand in hand with his *addiction* and--

what he thinks he deserves.

billy *hates himself* so *severely* that he actually *does not believe* that he is capable of the *good* that others, such as lenny, becca, his mum, and hughie are willing to *see* in him. he *completely* believes it when others say that 'he is his father' (internalizes it, struggles with it, and frequently acts on it).

he puts on a show. bravado, posture, and 'confidence'. and he's so good at putting on that front, that he can fool himself, even for a moment. and those that believe it will even *enable* him. and the people he feels *nothing* for? again, he maintains the front. he lives his life *masking*, *faking it*--so fucking hard. homelander could never--

and it's not even necessarily the result of toxic masculinity. don't get me wrong, he def has some issues with that lingering (y'all, if you have *say* you're an 'alpha' and posture out your sweet little ass off 24/7, you're def *not* an 'alpha' lmfao), but it's more so his own *trauma* that forces him to *cling* to that.

but when he *loves*, and he loves *deeply*, he completely rolls over and shows his belly like a kitten<3... when he was with becky, he was happy and comfortable, and all of that *ridiculousness* just melted away completely... he didn't feel any need for it because he felt *safe*, because this constant *insecurity* and feeling of being *threatened* all the damn time looming overhead had suddenly cleared up with becky there.

it's not even so much that billy doesn't feel fear. he might not traditionally (at all if his amygdala is damaged), but considering the fight or flight response, billy's *default* setting literally *is* that *fight* response. he's the way he is because he is *always* afraid and he's been conditioned for it to manifest itself as *rage*.

we see bits of his love come through in a few moments he has with people he has genuine care for. (the way he loves his mum and she instantly calms him down is genuinely so sweet.)

but it's always gonna come back down to 'daddy dearest'.

because of him, *billy is afraid of living*.

and--

his father. *is proud of him*.

billy is *just like him* or *everything he wanted to be* as a *man*, or at least is compelled to *project* this on the surface. and everything in *billy* that *is* his father, *just like him*, is *everything* that billy *hates*. so it manifests into an *intense* self loathing and spiraled addiction that magnifies the worst of what his father *forced* on him.

he *doesn't want* to be *his father*, but he feels, and fully believes that *he already is*. his self hatred is another form of *hating his father*, because *he is that man's legacy*.

so *billy* doesn't *believe* that he deserves love or goodness or care from other people (a parallel we see in homelander, presented a bit differently.) so he 'doesn't care'. makes excuses to not care (about people in general, if not just the very *prominent* antisocial tendencies), or leave, or push them away, lashing out to give *them* the excuse to leave him, because he is *afraid* and in his own mind, *unworthy*.

he's *afraid* of being loved, of *losing* that love, of *hurting* those he loves. he is *afraid* of being his own father.

but it's all he's ever known, all he's ever been *conditioned* to be. intoxicated, ever present, it's this terrible thing that destroys him but he *can't* stop. *addiction*.

and what better way to protect those he loves than to keep himself as *far* away from them as possible? than to *make* them hate him. than to do the *wrong* thing, to *disappoint* them. self sabotage. self punishment.

he can't stop himself. he deserves it.

lather, rinse, repeat.

so what does that mean for homelander, or even the reason he goes after homelander? the *real* reason.

'there must be *some* good in him because homelander 'must be' this 'ultimate evil that *must* be stopped', right?

not really. he's a symptom of a much greater evil, but he was never the root of it. if billy really wanted to solve the problems at hand and get *justice*, he'd go after *vought*, NOT homelander.

homelander is not even the real villain in *billy's* mind, in all actuality.

what homelander *is*?

temptation.

he is... the *ultimate* final high for billy. in terms of addiction to both *violence* and *self punishment*.

he doesn't actually go after homelander because he wants to 'stop him' or even kill him. not really. there are times billy starts a fight *expecting* to *lose*, *wanting* it. homelander *is* one of those times to the most intense degree that billy could find. and he even senses this when they first meet--unnecessarily, privately insulting the man because why?

because he feels *threatened*. because he feels *insecure*. because if homelander is *truly good*, even with *all that power*--

then billy has no fucking excuse--

it is, in essence, the same exact reaction that lex luthor has to superman. forcing himself to *challenge* him because of a *constant* sense of *fear*. (except lex *is* afraid of dying, so 1000% a huge coward lmao--)

but~, when he finds out homelander is *bad*?

homelander is billy's *failsafe*

to stop the person he feels is the most terrible evil of all *and* to set the world on fire in the process. a way for billy to kill two birds with one stone. compelled by his addiction to *chase* this ideation relentlessly.

homelander is to billy--his ultimate end, self punishment, a death wish, a *suicide attempt*.

and a way to *unleash his hatred onto the rest of the world*, *to make it burn*, even after his death. (this would be why despite many many MANY warnings to *not* push homelander *because of the catastrophe this will ultimately instigate and the loss of life this is bound to result in*--billy does not give a shit about the potential consequences. he welcomes them--)

if homelander were a *nuke*, billy would want to *launch* him. right now, homie is more like the *demon core*, incredibly dangerous and in some instances lethal, but not *yet* explosive.

billy *wants* the *warhead*.

it was why he got *so excited* at the *chance* of homelander offering him 'scorched earth'.

the man read billy like an open fucking book, and set the bait--

y'all, in other words, homie straight up went to billy's house and offered *crack* to the *crack addict*--fuck yeah he's gonna take that offer!

homelander never actually perceives billy as a real threat *at all* (safe to say, this is the main reason he doesn't kill him. there's a bit of personal complex combined with the deals/blackmail/request involved, but this would also be why he doesn't *hesitate* to 'kill' billy at herogasm. he genuinely gives no fucks about this poor man or his many anal complexes and daddy issues beyond the mild entertainment he gets from him and just how *easy* it is to read billy or rile him up. maybe a *dash* of novelty being found in billy's obsession with him. i'll go into the homie side of things in depth maybe someday soon lol but for now--)

and here's the thing, homelander isn't the *only* failsafe. he is simply the *ultimate failsafe*

included in all the possible bad habits billy has is pawning off his *responsibility* and personal accountability, even his *will to do good* onto others.

i mentioned before that becca (becky) was like a new addiction for him. and she was. in a sense, billy was using her to self medicate. she loved him, gave him love and made him feel good, no pain, no shame--but also no pause to think about that pain, self hatred and self doubt and actively address it. she was a way to not worry about his own *goodness* because she was an *easy* reason for him to *want* to be good.

and something important to note?

billy feels that he has *cheated* on becca/becky *since* the day she left/died. (there's a whole ass deliciously intricate story there but i'm trying to avoid the spoilers lmao. kind of a freebie hint i guess.)

lenny and hughie similarly make an effort to *hold butcher back* and reach out to him. (everyone does honestly, but not everyone is so successful with it). and butcher lets them, but *also* removes the agency of his own choice in the matter.

he doesn't just *let them* make him *good*, he doesn't believe he's capable of stopping himself on his own--but he believes in *them* because they *are* good, *truly good*.

hughie all on his own is *another kind of failsafe* and lo and behold, even calls butcher out on this by the end of the third season (theme is prevalent in the comic a lil different but again spoilers lol):

'i don't think you want to do this. i think you want me to stop you.'

*ding*ding*ding*!

nail on the head, hughie... butcher does not believe he can stop himself. so he sets up *failsafes* to do as much.

and let me just say, it is *unbelievably* shitty of him to do that, to pawn off the responsibility of his own behavior, whether good or pure evil onto other people. but i get it. and it fucking breaks my heart for him.

because *that* is addiction. it feels like mind control. aggressive compulsion. you feel ashamed, and hate yourself, and don't care if you hurt yourself or even others. but you keep *hoping*, *wishing*, *leaving a breadcrumb trail* so that *someone*, *anyone*, will come along and--

*save you. from you.*

and when you stop believing in yourself, in your own willpower to fight against this *thing* that just completely *destroys* you from the inside out... without *anyone* on your side, what else is left to do but to numb the pain?

i was able to recognize billy's addiction right off the bat because i've *been* to a lot of the places he has been. including the addiction. and he makes me so *fucking* mad because it's like seeing a version of myself *still stuck*, *still lost*, *still trapped* by my own issues and self loathing, and all of the abuse i've gone through--

and the biggest fuck up, the biggest *abuser* is me.

i can't *escape* me. *no one* can escape *themself*.

that fucker breaks my heart to pieces because *i have been there*, and i know just how fucking hard it is to *be* there, just how much harder it is to *get out* and start to *learn*--*who is it you really wanna be? who are you without this drug?*

and something he even says in the comics on a few occasions is--

'i'm not really here, i'm somewhere else watching this happen'

asserting that he *truly* believes that he has *no control* over *what* he is. (in contrast with homelander, who feels the weight of something similar but more literally in some regard, and in relation to so many other aspects in his life with the world around him.)

billy butcher *is* the *true villain* of *his own story*

of his own making.

he's not after homelander or even vought. he doesn't blame society or even his father at this point. he blames himself. and he's *given up* entirely on fighting himself. he's looking for his *overdose*.

*that's homelander*

ain't that a kick in the head...

it's part of what makes their relationship and dynamic so incredibly electric and titillating. it's got nothing to do with becca or becky.

butcher sees homelander as an easy way out. as a way to control the narrative, *maintain his own*, and *stop the bad guy* without bringing someone *good*, like *hughie*, down to his level.

he *sees* the parallels, a kindred spirit. he *knows* the potential. and he wants to be the *spark* to light all that *gasoline*.

because then it won't be his fault anymore. his *guilt*. he'll have passed on his *curse*.

likewise, he actually goes after supes in general for a similar enough reason, and it ties in with why he *doesn't* go after vought directly.

billy actually *likes* the status quo. to a degree, *needs* it, *needs vought*

because *vought* is the *creator* of his *supply*, feeding this addiction. and we hear billy say this in both the comic and show--

'with great power comes the absolute certainty that you'll turn into a right cunt.'

and billy actually believes this--about himself.

when he says it about other supes and even his intense hatred of them, it is a *projection* of his own issues and what he believes to be true for himself (that he would do the absolute worst thing imaginable given the opportunity). and in a way, going after them is in some ways a metaphor for stopping and destroying himself, hating himself, as much as it is a way to maintain his addiction.

and--

maintain the narrative he has built--that he is the true villain.

and if that's the case, well... it takes a *hero* to stop a *villain*, right?

but also--y'all remember that scene in the suicide squad where polkadot man imagines everyone as his mum? how he imagines starro as his mum?

yeah, that.

that's basically billy. every fucking supe, including starlight, and kimiko, and let's *really* not talk about what this means about him sleeping with maeve in context with his 'supe=daddy' issues, but even the person he sees in the mirror. *all of them* are *his father*.

listen, i'm not kidding. billy's daddy issues are seriously severe, so fucking bad, i--

his actions aren't for becca or becky or ryan or justice. even he *knows* that's bullshit and admits as much (which just makes fandom denying it that much more fucked). but they're not even *just because* or because he's genocidal, antisocial, or anything else. he *does* want someone to stop him. he's sane enough to recognize his actions for what they truly are *behind* the mask.

billy's actions are a volatile and violent *cry for help*, because he never learned how to *ask*, or even how to *believe in himself*.

he never truly learned that *he never had to be his father*, and he didn't *need* becky or becca, lenny or hughie to *be good*.

i actually think billy's greatest magic trick is convincing even the audience and readers that he is a *total*, complete piece of shit. and don't get me wrong, he is *def* a huge, massive, incredibly rank and ripe piece of shit--.

and y'all, i'm sorry if you believed him and got played like a damn fiddle, him and homie def throwin' in some hard balls--

but he's also still human. he also still needs just as much if, honestly? maybe even more, fucking *help* than homelander. which kind of draws back into their parallels. the tomfoolery of fandom might have you believe that billy is less complex or more put together than homelander, but their situations go hand in hand and the evidence suggests (if not confirms) something quite different.

billy's plight and even goal in some sense is *convincing the rest of his world that he is a monster*. driven by the addiction his father gave him. enabled by the world around him.

homelander's? it's actually the complete opposite. his struggle is with *his world convincing him that he is a monster*, and in turn, against his own instincts, *growing* into that role. when in reality, he never got the chance to decide for himself, it was decided *for* him a long long time ago.

'i think, therefore i am.'

'i can, therefore i must.'

however, *our actions cannot define who we are, because we can choose our actions*. good or bad are not something you inherently *are*, they are something you *choose to do*.

it paints what in turn becomes quite the brutal and tragic picture when these two forces meet. homelander and billy are both of the mindset that they *don't have a choice*.

and this bit is a bit more of a personal thought, but regarding billy's mum, she was *becky*. she was sweet, and kind, and cared for her family more than anything. *it didn't matter what she suffered, she was willing to drown if it meant saving the people she loved*.

as much as i adore how cute becca and billy were, i don't think she would have saved him.

i think the implication is that she would have either 'drowned' trying and become his mum, history repeating itself in a vicious cycle as billy spread his disease to any child they could have.

or that she would have lost her mind. and in turn *become* the person billy spread his disease to, if not another enabler for him. if not billy's choice of drug, maybe she would have taken up something else and eventually overdosed. i would even say the show implies this outcome with both becca and hughie, as the more butcher pushes--the more worn down they get.

if you put enough pressure on someone--they break.

becca was *good* for him. but billy was so, so fucking *bad* for her.

it begs the question of whether or not billy *is* right, if he really is this monster, *fated* to become his father in the worse of ways. of whether or not it's too late for him.

he's certainly not 'normal' or 'right' or 'good' or even an 'anti-hero'. at best, you could maybe call him an 'anti-villain', he is meant to be the deuterantagonist.

it def doesn't help that every time he has the *chance* to do the right thing, *someone* goes and enables him, gives him a reason to do the *wrong* thing.

fucking maeve in that last episode of the third season. but she's def not the only one, and def not the only time. (and yes, if it wasn't clear enough, being completely fucking indifferent to killing *thousands* of people to go after *one* fucking guy is in fact, the *wrong* thing to do.)

butt.

rewatching the scenes with lenny and billy's reaction, and even the final fight, showed something of a *possible* silver lining.

billy *enjoys* rejecting his father. actually pretty fucking greatly if we're being honest. generally speaking, it's when he *rejects* his father and everything that man represents that billy is at his *happiest* (lmao the epitome of an unfulfilled submissive sweetheart and bratty bossy bottom~<3<3<3)

there's a moment, where soldier boy says something along the lines of--

'--fuck you. you're weaker than he is.'

in regards to homelander. it's sort of glossed over, but this is billy's reaction to essentially being called a 'disgrace' so to speak by a toxic 'alpha male'.

y'all see that? it's a smile. lmao a smirk.

this is a moment where billy is protecting *ryan* and keeping his promise to becca. it's a moment where billy is *doing the right thing*, all on *his own* (mostly lol i'm sure there's a roundabout way to justify it in his head). and i think that's key.

it's not just a moment he's proud of himself and has a legitimate fucking reason to be proud of himself, (oh btw, we shoulda *all* been proud of billy in this moment), it's a moment he's *breaking through what his father made him* and his own *addiction*.

and he's doing it *selflessly* and--*without setting that responsibility on another person*.

so we *know* he has it in him, he always has. even becky *in the comic* kept trying to convince billy that *he is capable of good without her*. and again, we actually saw this in the second season when becca and ryan were reunited and billy *changed* his plans, *for becca*, instead of doing the selfish thing and selling ryan back to vought.

but if billy doesn't believe it himself...

i don't think billy is right about himself. but it is very *very* difficult for someone to *correct course* so to speak, once they have their *core beliefs*, lay out their own destiny and start along a *self fulfilling prophecy*, something him and homelander *both* do.

enter ryan.

and suddenly (lol probably in part due to reading dear becky lol), there was a bit of... not so much new, as *confirmed* perspective in play after that rewatch, something to *look* for and ponder in regards to *why* ryan may have been added for this story, a question in mind--

'would it be wrong of *ryan* to want to save his father?'

was it wrong of becca or becky, hughie or lenny, even his mum, to want to save billy?

how would *billy* even begin to answer such questions?

a different answer for the two would be a clear hypocritical bias (which lol i would not put past billy, but i also wouldn't be surprised if he maintained consistent thinking by answering *yes* to both)

. . .

y'all...

i still can't say i'm particularly optimistic about things turning out alright for either gent or ryan, butt~<3

garth ennis literally made the saddest, most pathetic, deliciously sweet, perfectly precious, extra emo tsun tsun baby boi ever, and put him right under our noses.

some a y'all fucking sneezing all over him, straight up sleepin' on all his *best* bits. how are we not utilizing billy butcher *properly~<3<3<3*????

;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[pikatrainer99]

Sinnoh Trio character analysis (headcanon supportive) SPOILER WARNING FOR A POKÉSPE MANGA ARC THAT IS OVER A DECADE OLD AT THIS POINT BUT STILL, JUST IN CASE! 😅

This post is a follow-up to my post where I drew the Sinnoh Trio as TBH (autism) creatures. That is my personal headcanon and today I'm going to analyze these kids, and go more in-depth on why I hold this headcanon. I'm going to focus on one character at a time here, followed by a scene analysis of a particular important moment...so this will be a long post because these kids are SO neurodivergent and I love them so much.

First up, we have Pearl, who is my favorite of the Sinnoh Trio and the one I relate to the most. My personal headcanon for him is that he is AuDHD (both autistic and ADHD). I also headcanon him to have an anxiety disorder (specifically GAD) because he is constantly freaking out over pretty much everything (which is so relatable as someone who has GAD myself). There's so many panels that show his anxiety that I honestly can't pick ones to include here...

Anyway, on to the ADHD, Pearl exhibits many traits. He is constantly on the move and impatient and loud, and wants everything to be done immediately. He's energetic and much faster compared to Diamond and Platinum, even to the point of always being the first one to wake up every morning. This is, in my opinion, the ADHD side of him, it reminds me a lot of my ADHD brothers who act like this often. Because of these traits, I personally feel like Pearl has the hyperactive type of ADHD rather than the inattentive type, as he is shown to be not scatterbrained and is capable of focusing on whatever he's doing quite well, even able to go into hyperfocus mode at times, which is an extremely ND thing to do (and is common in both autism and ADHD). He is also the most rational of the trio, which I always found interesting that they actually gave the Barry counterpart the brain cell. So yeah, he's hyperactive, but to me he doesn't seem to have many issues with his attention span.

Now, onto Pearl's autism, which I feel more confident to talk about because I'm autistic myself and I know what to look for in terms of traits and behaviors, and the first thing I noticed with Pearl is that he has a CLEAR special interest in comedy. He's INCREDIBLY passionate about it, he's the one who decided that he and Diamond should become a comedy duo, he's the one who writes all their scripts and all their sketches, he's the one who always initiates practice time, and he's DEFINITELY the one who takes it the most seriously out of the duo, to the point where he had (what seems like to me) a legit meltdown about how Diamond didn't stick to the script and how awful their performance in the comedy competition was because of it, complete with yelling, nearly bursting into tears, and being afraid that Diamond was breaking the promise they'd made to become comedians all the way back when they were 4 years old. Looking back on it now, I think THAT was his biggest problem with the whole situation and what caused him to completely explode like that in the first place, because once Diamond reassures him that he's not breaking the promise, Pearl IMMEDIATELY cheers up and tells him "No use moping about today then!" when that was EXACTLY what he was doing just seconds ago. He then initiates practice time for NEXT MONTH'S comedy competition, his mind ALREADY hyperfocusing on their next opportunity...and this is their INTRODUCTION SCENE! This all LITERALLY happens within the first few pages of volume 1 of the DP arc! Here's the scene I'm talking about.

Also in regards to his special interest in comedy, there's something he does with Diamond that I've gotta talk about...and that's using the comedy routines as their own special way of communicating. They use it almost as if it's their own language, they use it to process things, they use it to give hints to Platinum when she's battling, they even use it when they meet someone new as kind of a judge of their character (in the minds of these children, if they make the person laugh, the person can be trusted, if not, stay away...that kinda thing). He even outright tells Platinum that he uses it to communicate through rhythm. I always found it interesting how they used the comedy like that, and it definitely helps with my belief that it is in fact, a special interest for them, as special interests do actually be like that, I speak from experience. Here's some examples of this usage of the comedy routines.

Another thing about Pearl that I noticed is he's REALLY not good at communicating how he's feeling or what's on his mind. He also is (brutally at times) honest, speaks his mind, and doesn't sugarcoat things. He can come off as rude and bossy because of this, even though he's really a good kid. This is something I relate to because I'm the same way, I also struggle with communicating my thoughts and feelings, and I'm also brutally honest, speak my mind and don't sugarcoat things. I have been perceived as rude and bossy so many times in my life it's not even funny. Another thing I find relatable about Pearl is that he can't lie to save his life (neither can I), here's a good example of such a moment.

(Uh-huh...SUUUURRRREEEE ya did, Pearl XD)

Also, while we're on the topic of expression, Pearl is VERY hyperexpressive, which is once again, very much an ND thing (I am hyperexpressive a lot of the time myself)...he almost always reacts to basically anything in an over-the-top, exaggerated way, compared to Diamond and Platinum's more calm and composed approach to things...I'm seriously thinking of doing a post of all of my favorite Pearl expressions because he's got so many great ones!

Pearl seems to exhibit low empathy (a stark contrast to Diamond's hyperempathy), but he really does care about his friends and will even help wild Pokémon. The wild Luxio that he helped in the chapter titled "Extreme Luxio" is one of my favorite Pokémon in the whole manga and his dynamic with it is very wholesome. He figures out that it's being ostracized by its pride because of the fact that it's disabled - its claws are too short, which makes it harder for it to communicate with the others in its pride. Pearl helps it out, and even says to the others, "Listen all of you, it's got a disability, and can't communicate as clearly as the rest of you! That's no reason to reject it!" He was quite angered by this situation and when you put my headcanon into perspective here, it's quite easy to see why. But anyway, point is, he went out of his way to advocate for and help a disabled Pokémon, and it leads to one of the best Trainer/Pokémon bonds in the series in my opinion, as the Luxio comes back later, now a Luxray and the leader of its pride...and decides to become one of Pearl's Pokémon. That moment is so sweet and wholesome and I'll just leave the picture of their reunion here for you guys. Look at them hug! They're so happy to see each other again!

Pearl also seems to have hypersensitive hearing (as do I), as demonstrated when he hears someone who's basically lost his voice calling out for help from a ways away.

He also experienced what I can't help but percieve as sensory overload in the Old Chateau when all the Gastly were hovering around the place making vibrations that were so loud it shook the room and it overwhelmed him a lot. I get it Pearl, that would be too much for me too...just look at his reactions here, he's clearly in pain.

I also sometimes can't help but feel like Pearl is unaware of his own strength, like when he hits Diamond in their comedy routines...I get the feeling that he doesn't quite understand that he's hitting Diamond way too hard, as he seems shocked and taken aback when Diamond finally stands up to him and tells him he's not happy with everything he's been doing lately. Diamond makes it a point to make Pearl aware of how much getting smacked by him hurts...all I can say is, good for Dia, but judging from Pearl's reactions to his best friend's words...oof...just look for yourselves...

My takeaway from this scene is that Pearl was being made aware of all this for the first time, and not only felt like a bad friend, but also, he was once again afraid that Diamond would leave him...which he really REALLY didn't want, and I totally get why, considering how long they've been friends and how much like brothers those two are (though Pearl is SO parentified during their journey it's insane and it's another HUGE stressor for him which does NOT do his anxiety any good). And now that I've decided to open THAT can of worms, I might just do a post about it as well. Because...yeah it's not good considering the fact that HE IS 12!!! Still very much A CHILD!!!

At least Pearl learns from his mistakes, which I really love his development. After his and Diamond's fight, he learns to mellow out a bit (that says ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about his anxiety though). You can really tell that losing Diamond's friendship...that is one thing he absolutely DOES NOT want, and he makes a conscious effort to improve his treatment of him. He starts by not hitting Diamond in their comedy routines anymore, and even letting him come up with his own joke instead of always doing it himself and forcing his own ideas onto him. While he still yells a lot, it's mostly out of worry for his friends now rather than pure anger towards them. He even learns how to put himself in Diamond's shoes at one point, during his fight to protect Azelf from Team Galactic. I love this moment btw, it's a great moment of realization for him.

All in all, in my opinion, Pearl is an amazing AuDHD character who goes through a great character arc (and unfortunately, a trauma arc as well, as per usual with PokéSpe protags...there's NO WAY he doesn't have PTSD after all he went through in both the DP and PT arcs, I refuse to believe he's fine after all that), and I absolutely wholeheartedly love this child like he's my own son. Now for the next member of the Sinnoh Trio...Diamond!

Diamond, in my opinion, is EASILY a hyperempathic autistic child...his Dexholder title is literally "The Empathizer" and he is associated with Mesprit, the Pokémon known as the Being of Emotion. He is the only member of the trio with more than one special interest from what I can see. His are comedy (which he shares with Pearl, but his interest is to a lesser extent than Pearl), cooking (which he's extremely good at and takes very seriously), and a TV show called Proteam Omega (which his enthusiasm for it is way too adorable honestly).

Diamond is the most impulsive member of the trio, which like how they gave the Barry counterpart the brain cell, I find it interesting that they made the Lucas counterpart the impulsive one. He possesses a strong sense of justice and wants to do what he believes is right, including stand up to Cyrus, much to Pearl's dismay (this was actually the catalyst for their big fight in volume 4). He is very intuitive, his emotional intelligence is mostly intuition to him and he's also much, MUCH more perceptive than he lets on, for example he knew the whole thing with him and Pearl being Platinum's bodyguards was a misunderstanding from the beginning, but he didn't say anything about it because he was enjoying their time together and didn't want it to end. Here's that scene where he reveals he knew all along.

Diamond is a very calm, laid-back, "go with the flow" kind of kid. But I think this is because he's constantly feeling A LOT...he's extremely empathic, so he picks up on others' emotions easily and it happens so much he just keeps it all in and resorts to being incredibly calm throughout it all. When he DOES get upset or serious though, he's like a whole different person. He's hard to anger, but he is absolutely capable of getting angry. His anger though, is the tranquil fury kind. He's not explosive like Pearl, but rather, he gets much more serious and intense. Here's an example of angry Diamond.

(He angy boi.)

Diamond is also an easy crier, of the Sinnoh Trio, he's the one who is the easiest to bring to tears...which I can't stand...everytime any of these three cry it breaks my heart...and we'll talk about the scene that's the biggest offender of that soon. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Diamond is the one who's most in tune with his emotions, compared to Pearl and Platinum, who struggle with that. It makes sense though considering his hyperempathy. Also, can I take a minute to mention that he has the type of big eyes that are similar to the TBH creature...? Yes...? Okay. He does. I saw a post about this recently and it's so true! His eyes are so similar to TBH it's not even funny! And it makes total sense too, that's the best part!

Diamond is more of a pacifist than Pearl and Platinum. He's a pure, sweet soul who can do no wrong. He doesn't like conflict, he much prefers to make people smile instead. I love this about him, I don't think there's a PokéSpe protag that actually acts their age as much as Diamond does. In my opinion Diamond is a precious autistic bean and I absolutely love him like a son as well. Now for the final member of the Sinnoh Trio...Platinum Berlitz!

Platinum is definitely a masker, she's incredibly good at passing for NT (probably because of her upbringing). But there are definitely cracks in that mask that I've picked up on. First, her special interest, which is learning and experiencing new things. She says that back home she always read a dozen books a day, but seeing her actually experiencing the things she'd read about and having so much fun is great, she throws herself wholeheartedly into everything she tries, it's honestly adorable. She is also a bad liar, though she at first "lies" all the time, even though Pearl sees right through it and catches her everytime. Here's some examples.

Platinum is a stimmer. Plain and simple. She moves her arms up and down really fast when she's excited about something, and it's often accompanied by her saying "New experiences! New experiences!" in a sing-song voice.

(Why is she so adorable?!)

She is also an infodumper...a MASSIVE infodumper...just look at this scene with Thorton as just one example.

Platinum is also not the best with words, and finds that writing is the most effective way for her to organize her thoughts and feelings, as well as communicate them (relatable). She says so herself in volume 5, after finding out the truth that Diamond and Pearl are not her real bodyguards, and the scene of her reading the letter is so wholesome I love it so much!

Another thing I've noticed with Platinum is that she is a mimicker (something I myself did A LOT as a child), despite all her attempts to deny it. She often copies things she sees the others doing, even mimicking...SMACKING HERSELF...at one point, as seen here, complete with quietly saying to herself "Stop it! Stop it!"

She also has the capability to hyperfocus, particularly on details (when she thought that Diamond and Pearl were her bodyguards because green and red scarves were what she was told about them and since the boys had green and red scarves she immediately latched on to that specific detail despite everything else about them screaming that they're just kids). She also hyperfocuses when she's playing the slot machines in the Veilstone Game Corner in what is probably one of my favorite scenes in the manga, it's so funny! Because of that intense focus though, she is INCREDIBLY good at the slot machines which is hilarious to me considering she is like the richest person in Sinnoh and yet she still becomes addicted to gambling. I dunno, that scene is just funny, okay? I mean, look at her! She's so hyperfocused on it and it's just great!

Platinum is my favorite rich girl character in any media ever, and the fact that she's autistic coded in my opinion really helps with that as well. But she's also just a sweetheart who loves learning things and is just such a precious child. They're all precious children and I love them all so much. They are my fictional children and I would die for them.

Now, time for the scene that gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME...the scene where they split up to try and protect the three lakes. Pearl goes to Lake Valor, Diamond to Lake Verity, and Platinum to Lake Acuity. On their first morning separated from each other, they wake up and realize everything is so different now that the Pokédex isn't beeping. They all talk to themselves about their morning routine, Pearl gets up first, and is always the first in the lobby, then Platinum comes down afterwards, then Diamond comes after that...and the Pokédex always beeps to let them know that everyone's there together...but now it's not making a peep. Once they realize that, they all start crying and breaking down...and it's heartbreaking to read every single time. Just look at these poor kids...

Taking my headcanon into account here, I see this scene as not only being sad that they're separated from each other, but also the stress of their routine being broken for the first time since their journey started. The way they all recite step by step how their morning routine always went when they were together, and then just start breaking down when the realization hits that everything's different now...yeah, I relate to that feeling, if my routines are broken, I get real thrown off, recite how it's supposed to be, and then break down...it's very similar to what the Sinnoh Trio are experiencing in this scene. I would analyze more scenes but this post is already way too long as it is, so I'll leave it at just this one.

Well, that's it for my headcanon supportive analysis of the Sinnoh Trio from PokéSpe! These three are my favorite characters in the manga and this headcanon is one I will hold till the day I die. My two main beliefs I hold about these kids are this headcanon, and "Do Not Separate Them!"

I hope you all can understand where I'm coming from with all this headcanon stuff. Also, headcanon deniers, you STAY AWAY from this and do not interact with this! I know it's not canon, that's why it's called a HEADcanon...I don't force my headcanons onto other people, I just talk about them, so I don't need headcanon deniers forcing their "canon" beliefs onto me!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed this analysis! Please feel free to let me know how I did in the comments, and if you support this headcanon and think I missed anything, please let me know what I missed! This is only my second time doing this in my life after all, so I'm not used to this kinda stuff and I'm pretty nervous about it honestly.

[thecameronchronicles]

Different For You

TW: Smut. Language. Mentions of blood and a fight.

SUMMARY: Not willing to give him the time of day because you never saw him as anything more than a liability, that all changes the night he defends you and you begin to see him in a new light…

WORD COUNT: 1200

Requested:

Anonymous requested: 

Hey love! Could you do one with Rafe where he’s always trying to get you to go on a date with him but you always blow him off because whatever reason I just can’t think of one until one day someone starts spreading a rumor at a party (at toppers house maybe) about you maybe that you blow them or something and they call you a whore and rafe finds out and beats the dude right then and there so then you went upstairs to toppers bedroom to help him and clean him up and you hook up on his bed 

Different For You

Cocaine addict. Hot head. Aggressor. Sadist. Masochist. Privileged. 

Take a pick and any were a reason you would never date Rafe Cameron. No matter how hard he tried, or how often. Which WAS often. Any chance he could, he would compliment your figure and follow through with some cheesy one-liner you could guarantee he overheard from some old movie or maybe even Topper. But no matter his attempts at humorous tries, you knew better to to even entertain the idea of being anything to Rafe but a distant crush. 

"He broke my fucking nose!" Someone you had arrived with earlier in the night brushed past you with unintentional ignorance, holding his injury, as you moved towards the scene of the crime after having avoided that same boy as he'd become too handsy after you rejected his advances. At least Rafe kept his distance. Even if he would return the next day. He was still somehow chivalrous. 

"What the fuck, Rafe?!" Topper scolded. 

"You heard him! Calling her a whore because she had enough common sense to not let him touch her-" You realized by these words, this fight, had been because of you. He had defended you. Without knowing you would see or hear him. And you hated how this simple act of defense had made your panties slick with arousal and your lip captive beneath a bite. 

"I don't care! You said you were done with this shit, man. We aren't in high school anymore. You said she even made you wanna be better. So maybe you should find a girl who will ACTUALLY fuck you so you can work out some od those frustrations. Because in case you haven't noticed, she isn't interested!" Topper spoke incorrectly as you may have given that illusion, but those feelings had altered completely by now. You no longer saw him as a single dimensional narcissist. You saw he actually cared about you... 

"I'm not fucking apologizing-" Rafe groaned as the door opened to reveal you to him. 

"Maybe you should..." You teased as he would clench his jaw, further proof of this change in him. The Rafe you knew prior to this would have lept at the chance to say he 'defended your honor'. But instead, he didn't want to hurt you in having to explain why he had to. That cruel word he believed you didn't deserve. Especially with how hard to get you played against him. 

"Here...I saw you slink up here nursing 'em..." You motioned to his knuckles as he would shrug it off, allowing you to see the depths of his wounds. 

"It's fine-" 

"Would you just sit still?" His eyes followed you in analysis as you brought a first aid kit from Topper’s kitchen and brought it to the bedroom, once finding him behind this room. 

"So what did he say exactly?" 

"He was drunk, it doesn't matter." 

"You're bleeding over some drunk comment? Doubt Rafe Cameron cared that much..." You pushed, wanting to get some form of a reaction from him. 

"I've bled for less. But don't worry. I’m not expecting anything, I got the message." 

"The message?" He nodded, now on his feet and halfway towards the door. 

"You're not into me. It's fine. Really. But I'm not gonna push it anymore, so you can-" 

"I want you to." His eyes narrowed. A scoff of disbelief shared in the space between you as he would draw his hands to his temples. 

"You....you want me to? After rejecting me for the better part of our shared adolescence and you-" 

"You defended me, Rafe. Nobody has ever done that. They usually just do what he did and walk away-" 

"Asshole's lucky he got to walk away...should've made sure he could say anything about you at all-" You silenced him by moving across the space and kissing him. Those full lips that were always annoyingly tempting were now no longer shrouded in mystery. But they had become something of a new addiction. Something that worsened as he kissed you back. An arm wrapped to pull you to him and the other forced beneath your thigh would lift you into a straddle. 

"Off." You ordered as he pulled the fabric of his shirt over his head revealing that perfectly toned physique to you. He led your fingers to trace where your eyes had fallen until pulling you closer to him. 

"I'm not asking for permission so you better stop me now if you-" He offered this half dominating warning as you took the hand at your hip and laid his fingers into your mouth. Sucking beneath doe eyes targeting his now blown wide with lust. 

"I don't want you to stop..." 

"You better unless you want it from behind...I want to be sweet to you, but you’re making it hard to not just-" 

"And I want you to fuck me..." He scoffed in furthering disbelief. 

"Jesus-" 

"No? Maybe I'll see if HE will take me up on my offer-" You teased abandoning him as he brought you harder onto his thighs before positioning you in such a way to where he could take his fingers inside of your panties. 

"If you don't stop me, it means nobody else will get to touch you. I don't share. And-" 

"I'm yours, Rafe. Now let’s make it official and let me prove it. Take off your clothes." He obliged, with your help, until nothing remained but your lingerie and his boxers. 

"How do you want it?" 

"Everyway." He groaned. 

"You're killing me..." 

"Don't worry... I'll take care of you, Rafe...my Rafe-" You taunted as he nodded. 

"Say it again." 

"MY Rafe-" You were taken onto your back as he pulled you level with his hips. 

"You're mine now baby...gonna take me nice n deep aren't you? Show me how grateful you are?" 

"Mmmm...yes...." You moaned to the tease of his cock before the final penetration would send you into an immediate arch. 

"Don't be gentle Rafe...please...pull my hair...call me a whore-" 

"You aren't." 

"For you, I will be.' He smacked your ass, the echo drowning out your gasp as he quickened his thrusts. 

Time began to blur as you were taken in depth and compassion, his lips and hands having been well acquainted with every inch of your body had craved since he first met you. And you allowed him to overdose on jt now. 

Orgasm after orgasm and dirty words followed in suit before it became too much. Overstimulation and edging having left you both in unified tremors, you would eventually collapse after all tensions and lust had been exercised. At least for now... 

"Will you go out with me now?" 

"Ummm...no..." 

"What?!" You straddled him.. 

" I have no interest in going out anywhere...now coming? THAT can be compromised." His brow raised. 

"Oh? Didn't get enough?" 

"I don't know if I can..." 

"Only one way to find out..."

Taglist: @hopebaker @iovdrew @penny4yourthoughts @magnificantmermaid @pickingviolets @lovedetlost @trikigirl271 @maybankslover @slut4starkey @slvtherinseeker @obxiskewl @obxxrxfes @bluesongbird @slut-era @ailee-celeste @rafesbae @belcalis9503

[satanandsoul]

hello, thank you for the reply and yes, he did mention it in a dream vs dream video to be 10:00 am. it'd be great if you could do it for that time! thank you once again!!! have a great day ahead!

Hi there anon! Thank you so much for confirming the birth time for Haechan. Really appreciate it! 💕💛💕

♊︎ Haechan Birth Chart Analysis ♊︎

Disclaimer: All these are for entertainment purposes only. DO take my words with a grain of salt.

Asteroid and astrological body that will be discussed in depth are Chiron and Black Moon Lilith (BML) as they show up prominent in my research.

First of all, can I just say, I feel sorry for this man. Like Genuinely. With Sun-Venus conjunction in 11th house Gemini opposite Pluto-Chiron conjunction in 4th house Sagittarius, I cannot imagine how painful it is to live Haechan's life. I myself have Sun-Venus conjunction in Leo square Pluto in Scorpio. There wasn't a moment when I didn't wish I was someone else before I was 25 (the age Venus matures). Natives with Sun-Venus conjunction place a lot of importance on whether they are socially accepted or loved. Their egos are bounded with the idea of becoming that popular boy or girl that is welcomed in any social circumstances. Normally, it manifests well when this aspect is on its own. It gives diplomacy and popularity to the natives. But Haechan has his Sun-Venus conjunction opposite by Pluto-Chiron conjunction. People who have Sun-Pluto and Venus-Pluto stressful aspects at the same time inherently think that they are unlovable. They constantly compare themselves to others and find faults within themselves. And when you throw in Chiron (wounds that one cannot heal) into the mix, I see it manifests as a lot of people around Haechan (most probably at home because Pluto and Chiron are in the 4th house) making remarks on how unlikeable his usual way of getting things done (Sun) and his love language (Venus). It can also be Haechan's appearance that people make remarks on as Sun is the chart ruler. And these remarks hurt Haechan and lower his self-esteem. Haechan has Uranus trining his Sun-Venus conjunction from the 7th house. He may appear fast-changing in order to not let others notice his hurt. An example that I can give you is you know how people pretend that they have moved on to something else when they can see their passion projects are failing. It is to save them faces but deep down they are saddened by the said failure. The same thing will happen to love for Haechan. He will pretend that he has found a new man or woman he is interested in when he can sense that you are not that into him. It is a defence mechanism. You can't really blame Haechan for that. I will ignore the trines Neptune makes with the Sun-Venus conjunction as its orb is too wide, 9 degrees.

Moon in 12th house Leo opposite Neptune in 6th house Aquarius: At Haechan's core, he is extremely dreamy (Neptune and 12th house together? Puff). Not in the way that you will sigh by just one look at him, but I feel like Haechan is really good at selling a fantasy to others. Not that he deliberately does so for ulterior motives, he himself believes in those fantasies too. I can't tell you what kind of fantasies these are exactly, because Moon can point to literally all kinds of inner workings happening within a person. But Haechan is definitely dreamy by nature. And his Moon is trined by the same dame Pluto-Chiron conjunction. His emotions are also impacted by the remarks that I have just talked about in the previous paragraph. But the beauty about trine is that it is a gift. Moon trine Pluto gives emotional resilience after failure and Moon trine Chiron gives the native an opportunity to heal through emotion (But the orb for this aspect is huge too, 9 degrees, so... 🤞🏻). But is Haechan okay? I am genuinely concerned.

Now, the Mercury that Haechan has is chef-kiss. I know, it is in Cancer, which is not the domicile or exaltation position for Mercury. But it is the apex of a Yod (the finger of God), energetically charged by Neptune and Pluto. Haechan naturally understand the public's subconscious (Neptune, the dreamy subconscious; while Pluto, the obsessive subconscious). He is a great artist because of that. He can use his communication (Mercury) to make something new (the nature of Yod), psychologically profound (Pluto) and mesmerising (Neptune). Another singer-songwriter that has Mercury as the apex of the a Yod is Lana Del Rey, although the supporting planets are different (Jupiter and Uranus). But you get what I mean, she is one of the greatest lyricists of our generation. Mercury opposite BML: The way that Haechan talks stresses people out. This is because he has no filter. He does not recognise some topics are considered taboos in the society. And hence, he may feel ostracised for the way he thinks. But it is a great talent that he has in provoking people by just talking. I can also feel that he may be good at dirty talk (not going into too much details of this as this is not a 18+ reading).

Mars in 11th house in Gemini loosely conjuncts Sun: Great aspects for having an alignment between what he wants and how he gets it. Mars trine Uranus: very dynamic and energetic. I can see that he values independence. He will dislike it if someone retrains his actions. He is a wild card in that sense. And I can see that he is kind of experimental in bedroom (again, not going into too much details of this as this is not a 18+ reading).

Aquarius Descendant conjuncts Uranus in 7th house: Haechan attracts and is attracted to the rebellious type of people. He himself can feel very rebellious too. But at the same time, his relationships will come and go very fast. They are highly unstable.

Jupiter-Saturn conjunction in 10th house: This is someone who is grounded (Saturn) with his aspirations (Jupiter). And his aspirations are mostly related to his chosen profession (10th house). He has a high possibility in succeeding in his career IF he can overcome his tendency to be rebellious, unpredictable, and unconventional in love matters (Uranus in the 7th house) as his Jupiter-Saturn conjunction is squared by Uranus. After his Saturn return, his career will blossom.

I hope you enjoy this reading, anon. And have a nice day!

[quodekash]

its 7 in the morning, i have a little time, lets roll (the commentary for just this one episode is gonna be a mess lmao)

FLASHBACK TIMEEE

little baby gun wearing glasses- hes so tinyyyy

I LOVE HERRRR

THE SONGGGGG

oh my gosh its not city its a silly song about a bullfrog i love this

aw mannnn he was jokinggggg

i love how theyre speeding up some bits, but other parts theyre adding more detail because it works better for the characters

CITYYYYYY

"im sorry, bro" I LOVE HIS ENGLISH WORDS

I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS UNIVERSE POR, WHY IS HE NOT FLUENT IN THAI

CAPTAIN PORRRR

and so the captaincy begins

good luck por

IMAGINARY TINN IMAGINARY TINN IMAGINARY TINN

IMAGINARY GUN SCENES ARE MY FAVOURITES

IMAGINARY GUNNNNNNN

i love forth so much hes such a good actor i love him i love him

tinn's little chants and then the ear blows like its some kind of magic spell RHJBGH

WAIT A SEC IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME

SOUNDWIN HAVE SWITCHED

DOES THAT MEAN SOUND IS THE ONE TO CONSTANTLY FALL ASLEEP IN CLASS??

pls let that be the case

i could have so many thoughts and headcanons if that's the case

GIJREKDBG I LOVE THAT BOTH SOUND AND WIN ARE HERE FOR THE EXAM PASSING STUFF

YO WITH THE DISBANDING NONSENSE

also win's expressions and mannerisms and stuff are gonna be excellent for an in depth analysis of sound later

i know ive done a million in depth analyses of sound

but you can never have too many

"i feel at ease now" "i somehow feel like we're getting a full score" i love this so much, i love them so much

CHINZHILLAAAAA

"will he have time for us?" "OF COURSE" this is so funny and amazing and perfect and all the good words

cos theyre literally in the same room. why wouldnt he hear them? and they needed to progress the plot. and gun would do that, whereas tinn wouldnt actually say anything.

I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH

"dont doubt nosy guys like us" lmao theyre not even trying to think about a cover story, just 'hey, you know we're nosy.'

I LOVE THAT SOUND IS SPEAKING UP MORE OFTEN BC HE'S THE WIN IN THIS SCENARIO HFBGHRB

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

COMFORT CHARACTER GO BRRRR

okay ive finished 2/4 and now i need to go again

IM BACK! to you guys that was no time at all, for me that was 12 painful hours

my friend went further ahead than me and sent me a few clips and hOLY HELL i have felt like im missing out ALL DAY

BUT WE'RE HERE NOW

EWVOUSDLV

THE HEART GRAPH SCENE BUT REVERSED GRBGHDB THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY

ITS LIKE EXACTLY THE SAME

BUT ITS DIFFERENT BECAUSE THEYRE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

GIUEJSBD I LOVE IT

"i didnt mean to kiss you" PFFFFT GBRSDHXGB I LOVE THIS

GHREBDFG ALL OF THE FRIENDS SITTING AT THE TABLE

1. I LOVE ALL THEIR GROUP DYNAMICS SO MUCH

2. THE WAY THEYRE ALL WHINING AND COMPLAINING AND TALKING OVER EACH OTHER LIKE LITTLE KIDS GBFDGHBH

"I DONT HAVE ANY!" you dont have any.

like. what.

you have. no food?

h- how-

"if youre hungry, go eat somewhere else" damn bro

i do like that gun has kept his temper tho

theyre the same people as the originals, just in different situations and with different contributing factors and i could think about this for so long i love this so much holy hell

"why did you invite them" "my friends are stupid" i mean, is he wrong?

THE PARALLEL OF TINN/GUN YELLING AT GUN/TINN AND POR/TIW TAKING THEM AWAY FROM THE GROUP AND SAYING "thats your baby" GEHRSBGD

HIS EYES GOT SO SUDDENLY WIDE WHAT THE HELL

I NEARLY FELL OFF MY BED

TIW IS SO SILLY IN THIS UNIVERSE

I LOVE IT SO MUCH

I LOVE SILLY TIW

omg all of them chanting 'hot pot'- its like little children begging for mcdonalds

poor gun and por have to deal with these children

i love them

GUYS WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING SO EVILLY

YOU FORGET, THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ARE IDIOTS

THEYRE GONNA THINK YOURE PLOTTING THEIR MURDER OR SOMETHING

either that or they just. wont notice the very loud evil laughter coming from the corner.

both options are equally plausible.

oh they got louder

i think they noticed

OHHHH, THIS IS WHERE THE MOTORBIKE SCENE IS FROMMMMM

SOUNDS MOTORBIKE- COS SOUND WOULD HAVE THE MOTORBIKE IN THIS VERSION, NOT WIN

GRJBDGJEBRD

my brain is playing the freaking soundwin motorbike scene but with the roles reversed and im-

HEARTLIMING NOW IM THINKING OF HEARTLIMING

SOUNDWINDIDITFIRST

theyre really just copying from soundwin even in different universes, damn

why does sound have little boots on his keychain

gotta love the (not at all) subtle advertisement

SOUNDWINDIDITFIRSTSOUNDWINDIDITFIRSTSOUNDWINDIDITFIRST

ITS LIKE SHOT-FOR-SHOT THE EXACT SAME SCENE

THEYRE NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE ORIGINAL ANYMORE, THEY KNOW SOUNDWIN IS BETTER

no hate to tinngun, i love them

but also. soundwin.

SOUNDWIN STUDY SCENE YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS

this is gonna be entirely keysmashes

holy hell

the question is: am i gonna survive this

THE WAY WIN IS LOOKING AT SOUND

BOY YOURE WHIPPED AS FU-

"sounds studying mode. how cute!" HEEEEELLLPPP

and yes, i am aware, this scene is tinngun did it first. and yes. its also basically frame for frame. but soundwin did it first in most cases so i stand by this

GU4OEBSDJL

DUDE THATS A LONG FREAKING TIME

HOW DO YOU SIT FOR THAT LONG

holy hell i cant wait for my sound adhd hcs to finally be justified

sorry i have to keep pausing it so that i can just. take a sec. and process what's just happened.

and also to get out the million streams of thoughts that pop into my head

so yeah

THESE EPISODES ARE GONNA BE GREAT FOR AGGRESSIVELY ANALYSING ALL OF MY BOYS GERDJHGBF I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

FREAKING.👏 MOOD.👏

THEHANDSTHEHANDSTHEHANDSTHEHANDSTHEHANDSTHEHANDS

I NEED HELP

WIN'S LITTLE SMILE- IM DYING MY HEART IS EXPLODING MY SOUL IS IN THE ROOF HELP

SATANGS VOICE IS SO CUTE WHEN HE GOES NA NA NA NA NAAA

I LOVE HIM

guess who just squeak-squealed

me

they freaking played the freaking no one else like me track

and i know they play it over every important soundwin moment

but its like

directed at sound

rather than from sound

like. as if the song is coming from win's brain and not sounds.

like. as if. as if win sings the song in this universe.

SERIOUSLY I NEED IT SO MCUH

I KNOW IT HAPPENED IN MY SCHOOL PRESIDENT LIVE ON STAGE

BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED IN THE ACTUAL SERIES

AND IF IT HAPPENS HERE THEN THERE'S A CHANCE THAT ITLL BE ON SPOTIFY

PLEASE I NEED IT

DESPERATELY

GIMME

i think ive ascended into another plane of existence

i cannot- how do you- how does function

TIWPOR

GJERBSG

desperately hoping for more than crumbs, that they actually commit to the tiwpor in this version

(which i know they do because of the clips my friend sent me and im so excited to experience this firsthand)

omg

this part

my friend sent me this part

i think im going to explode

GOUERJHDGOIJBERNO;FDGLJKNV4OERIJDFBGNOI4ELRJDNGIO34HEIRDGOIH34ERDIOGHK34ERPOIDLKGN34EIORDGNV3EIO4RDJNGO3IE4RHNDGOI4EHRINDNG9OIH3N4ERO8DIGH340IEORHG0IO34BERDOB

PLEASE

IT DOESNT FEEL REAL

HELP

HE SAID IT

HE SAID THE THING

AND TIW'S SWEET LITTLE INNOCENT FACE- WHAT THE HELLLLLL

I AM DYINGGGGG

tiwpor exist

they actually exist

"i like it" "you like me?" EGIRBJKS

COS TIW, BEING TIW AND NOT POR, IS NOT SUPER OBLIVIOUS AND INNOCENT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"ill teach you later." "promise me, okay?" BRO THEYRE PLANNING A DATE. THATS WHAT THIS IS. THIS IS A DATE. WHAT THE HELL.

THE PINKIES

AND COME CLOSER PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND

JUST STAB ME IN THE HEART ALREADY

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

AND THEY JUST. STAND THERE LIKE THAT.

even the camera angle is exactly the same as the original. i swear they just filmed this on the same day. surely. its so similar.

also random thought: WHERE THE HELL IS MY BOY JORN

PUT YOUR HEAD ON HIS HANDS

PLEASE PUT YOUR HEAD ON HIS HANDS

por speaking english >>>>>>

lets. lets not get into that territory.

we dont need daddy kinks, thank you very much.

i cant explain it but i love the way theyre standing

win with his arms crossed

sound with hands on hips

its very Dads of them

mood

HUGS ALL ROUND

TINNGUN HUG

TIWPOR HUG

SOUNDWIN HUG

THE FREAKING ARM OVER THE SHOULDER

THE FREAKING GRIN

THE WAY WIN IS LOOKING AT SOUND

THE FREAKING LINGERING HAND AT HIS HIP???? HEEEEEELLLPPPP

"pat, should we hug too" lmao yopat felt left out

POR SPEAKING ENGLISH >>>>>>>>>

ITS ALWAYS SO JARRING BUT I LOVE IS SO MUCH

TINNGUN SLEEPOVERRRRRRRRRR

OH COS SOUND IS SNORING

THEYRE ALL SLEEPING OVER AT GUN'S PLACE

WAIT YOU NEED TO GIVE ME MORE DETAIL

WHO IS SLEEPING IN A ROOM TOGETHER

HOW MANY ROOMS ARE THERE

all we know is gun and por shared a room, and tinn and sound shared a room. where are the rest of them? was win perhaps also in the same room as sound and tinn? now that tinn is gone, what does this mean for soundwin? PLEASE

"tinn, have you fallen asleep?" dude. you lied down like. ten seconds ago. hes not gonna be asleep yet.

the dancinggggg i love themmmmm

gay panic gun is my favourite

i love him

BRO GUN IS BOLD

WHY MUST TINN FALL ASLEEP

gun burying his face in his pillow and squealing and kicking his feet- that has been me this whole episode. I LOVE PORGUN'S FRIENDSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING

BROOOOOOOOOO

WIN ASKING TO CHANGE PARTNERS, BROOO

HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING THAT GUN'S GOING THROUGH

HES GAY AND HIS HEART CANT TAKE IT

AND NEITHER CAN MINE

DANCE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, WIN

guys.

guys.

why are you switching partners.

dont do that.

you havent practiced with each other.

I NEED SOUDNWIN

also: TIWPORTIWPORTIWPORTIWPOR

COME CLOSERRRRR I LOVE THIS SONG

its slightly different somehow

i like it

its so awkward with the partners tho

YES I AM IMMEDIATELY TEARING UP

GUYS THEYRE DOING THE MSP LIVE ON STAGE CHOREO

TIWPOR ARE GONNA DANCE TOGETHER

SOUNDWIN ARE GONNA DANCE TOGETHER

IM GONNA DIE

HELP

THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS SO PRETTYYYYYYYYY

literally just had to shut my laptop for a sec there

holy hell

they mean too much to me

how do i process this

theyre dancing together

soundwin are dancing together

THIS

FREAKING

CHOREOGRAPHY

the yopat is confusing me but im digging it

THE WAY THEYRE GAZING INTO EACH OTHERS EYES, LIKE THERES NOTHING BUT THEM TWO, JUST THEM, FOR ETERNITY, DANCING TOGETHER, THEIR WHOLE WORLD IS NOTHING BUT HIS EYES AND HIS HANDS AND THEIR FEET AS THEY DANCE AROUND THE ROOM, ENTRANCED BY EACH OTHER

guys this freaking choreography. guys. look at the choreography. whoever the choreographer is. i lvoe them so much. this is amazing.

i need to play this clip on repeat for the rest of eternity

TIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIW

DANG IT I RAN OUT OF IMAGES HANG ON

[successeurdiamant]

diamant's ally notebook stamp- brodia's "perfect" heir (another diamant character analysis post)

@rexcaliburechoes i think you might find it interesting / i welcome your thoughts, also pls diamant fans feel free to add

you know the stamps on the ally notebook that are associated to each character's identity?

looking at the lords' stamps, all of them are SIMILAR to their countries, but all have some kind of change, something that's unique about them. ivy's even is completely different from elusia's (though i won't be the one to touch on this, since i don't know her character in depth)

i didn't include elusia's because ivy's is so different.

that leaves us with... diamant. his stamp is exactly the same as brodia's symbol, except with less points on the crown (3 instead of 5).

i'm not quite as eloquent with these posts, but my immediate thoughts are, it's because diamant exists for his country and his country's responsibilities. there's barely difference between his stamp and his country's symbol because he feels he's not able to be anything BUT a symbol of brodia. mighty. strong of body, strong of heart. he has to be the perfect heir, the perfect symbol, not have any flaws or differences that are just another weakness to be exploited.

but, his crown only has 3 points to brodia's 5. an indication that he's not perfect despite how he tries to be (similar with the one strand of lighter hair he has which seems to be framed as hidden in many of his supports). he's a diamond with flaws. subtle flaws, but flaws nonetheless. and he may never be that perfect heir for brodia, but damned if he isn't doing his everything to be.

and it's also such a subtle difference, one you wouldn't notice unless you compared directly. kinda points to how diamant knows he's not perfect and is trying to hide it, since i see it as being so subtle it's almost intentionally concealed.

just putting my thoughts out there on this because i did notice his stamp was the most similar to his country's of all the lords, but never really got into discussing it.

[ikeromantic]

*shuffles in awkwardly* hiii hihi I’m shy this is my first ever ask but if you’re okay with it, may I request some ikevamp Faust x mc comfort? maybe the mc has a bad day and breaks down and fausts comforts her? only if you want to of course aksjkdjd❤️

I don't think Faust would be my go to for comfort, but he has his charms! Approx 1000 words of Faustian 'cuddles'. Hope you enjoy!

Faust was writing an analysis of his latest experiments when the girl came in. He didn’t need to ask if something was wrong. He could see her unhappiness in every line of her body, despite the false smile she plastered across her face. As if a twist of her lips could hide the rest. 

He pretended not to notice her and continued writing. Despite the pretense, he was very aware of her. The light scuff of her feet across the floor. The sound of her sigh as she sat down in a church pew. He thought he could already smell the light, sweet fragrance she favored. Faust smiled. 

Though he would never admit as much, he’d missed her the last few days. Faust closed his notebook and stood. “Did you decide to agree to become my test subject?”

Her head tilted as she looked up from her lap. “I . . . you know, maybe I should. At least then I’d be useful to someone.” She forced a smile. “Anyway, I just came in to - to say hi.”

Faust took her hand and helped her up from the bench. Her fingers were soft and warm against his skin. “Come.” 

“Uhm, ok. Where are we going?” She didn’t resist the light pull as he led her forward, keeping her hand grasped in his.

He gave her a thin, sharp smile. “I’m going to make you useful, or is that not what you agreed to a moment ago?”

Her eyes widened. “I did?”

Of course that wasn’t exactly what she said, but Faust was familiar with the fine art of taking liberties. He didn’t reply, only led her up the staircase to the church belltower. He went slowly, letting her set the pace. And though he didn’t need to, his fingers twined with hers. 

She was breathing hard as she reached the top. 

Faust let her recover herself as he gazed out from the height. Here, all of Paris was spread below, her glory and her filth visible in equal measure. When the girl had caught her breath, he turned to face her. “Look.” 

She moved to stand at his side, her whole face lighting up as she looked out at the sunset vista. “This is amazing. You can see the whole city from here!” The smile on her face was wide and sweet and for the first time that day, she looked happy.

“Result as expected.” Faust brushed the edge of her smile with a fingertip. 

“What?” She looked to him, confused. 

He gently took her chin in hand. “You’ve been on the verge of tears since you walked into my church. Now you are smiling. My hypothesis is confirmed.” He leaned close, studying her intently. “Now, you will tell me why you really came.”

She sighed and pulled out of his grasp. “I just feel useless. I can’t keep up with anyone at the mansion, not even Sebas!” Her shoulders drooped. “I can’t even follow. And . . . I’m supposed to be there, helping out but . . . I think I really just make more work for everyone. I don’t know how to do anything and even when they show me, I mess it up.” 

Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She looked away to hide them, wiping at her face. “It’s stupid, I know. I mean, of course I can’t keep up. Of course I’m not good at stuff like they are. I’m just a stupid little girl 100 years out of her depth.” She took a shaky breath. “I didn’t want to unload this on you. It’s not your problem. Just -” She glanced over her shoulder at him. “Seeing you cheers me up.”

Faust laughed to hide his surprise. He’d been many things to many people, but in his long life no one ever said he cheered them up. He turned her around to face him. “Look at me. Let me see your tears.”

“I’m, I’m not crying,” she protested, wiping at her eyes again. 

He caught her hands in his and held them. “It is human to cry. Let them fall.” 

The drops swelled and fell, rolling down her cheeks like rain. She closed her eyes, her breath trembling as her shoulders shook. 

Faust pulled her close and to his surprise, she did not try to pull away. She held onto him, her face buried in his ministerial robes. He stroked her hair, an odd possessiveness stirring in his chest. “I am not good at offering comfort to people,” he told her. “I am not a kind man. Nor a good one. And I do not wish to be.”

His fingers tangled in her hair, tugging lightly until she looked up at him. “I don’t care if you are bad at cleaning. If you think you are stupid compared to some of the greatest minds in history, you’re right. Your intellect will never be legendary in comparison.” 

“I-is this supposed to make me feel better?” She sniffled.

Faust wiped a tear with the pad of his thumb, letting the warm drop trickle into his palm. “No. The view was supposed to make you feel better. And it did, for a moment. This is my analysis.” He smiled. “Stop trying to be like someone else. The men of the mansion don’t keep you there because they need a maid or a secretary.”

She nodded after a moment. “So, what then? I’m tired of feeling like I am terrible at everything.”

“Good.” Faust liked the spark he saw in her eyes. A core of stubborn determination that belied her gentle exterior. “Do the things you want to do. The things you are interested in, even if you are bad at them.”

“Why?” She wrinkled her nose. “I just told you I’m tired of being useless and you’re telling me -”

He pressed a finger to her lips. “Listen.” Faust gestured to the view. “This world was not built by the hands of those with expertise. It was built by the honest, pathetic attempts of amateurs. Chaos resulting in unexpected beauty even as it falls to ruin.” 

She turned to regard the vista. “So . . . I should contribute to the chaos. That maybe something I do, even if I don’t know, will be worthwhile.”

Faust let his lips brush her temple. “See? You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

“And you are nicer than you admit.” Her lips turned up in a soft smile, one so very different from what graced Faust’s own lips.

[dustedmagazine]

Dust, Volume 9, Number 11, Part 2

Eli Winter

We only get ten audio clips per post now, so we've split the Dust in two. Check out the early alphabet entries here.

Colin Miller — Haw Creek (Ruination)

Colin Miller’s songs come from far away, from a physical, temporal, emotional remove, like bits of colored memory or the line from a book that meant something once, but you now can’t quote exactly. The North Carolina-based multi-instrumentalist and home taper is connected to the Wednesday orbit, having played on and produced MJ Lenderman albums and produced Wednesday’s I Was Trying to Describe You to Someone. His own music is softer and more indefinite, but very fine. It is less like listening and more like being enveloped by a cloud. “I Don’t Love You Anymore,” for instance, has all the elements of an indie rocker: strummy guitars, punched out drums, and a catchy, tuneful melodic line. And yet it drifts in through the window like a warm breeze, gently stirring your attention as it moves the air around you. “Paper Roof,” too, buzzes with feedback and blistered bass tones, but very softly. What you notice, first, is the high yearning singing, shaded by the fuzz of lo-fi production. You wonder what these songs would sound like with clearer, more commercially viable sonics, whether they’d land with more impact or less. But here they are, gently pushed forward for you to appreciate best after repeat plays, and they are really quite good.

Jennifer Kelly

Niecy Blues — Exit Simulation (Kranky)

The reason the ol’ “this band is like x meets y” trope is both kind of reviled and yet impossible to wipe out is that as a formulation it’s both weak (unless you’re the person the comparison occurred to, chances are good you won’t hear it) and strong (how else to try and describe something as elusive as music than with something so slippery and paradoxical?). It might be better to imagine a kind of topographical map. Then you could try and chart the impossible hinterlands out where the territories of (say) Grouper, trip hop, and Kelela might converge, and somewhere around there you might find Niecy Blues’ first record. Like all such comparisons though, the intent is not to suggest Exit Simulation is mere pastiche or reducible to parts found elsewhere, but to indicate the heady and diverse contemporaries it shares an atmosphere with. Whether it’s the extended reverie of “U Care,” the hazy float of “Violently Rooted,” or the droning shuffle of “The Architect” the result is a debut of striking assurance and depth. Comparisons fail at some point; you really just have to give it a listen yourself and figure out your own map, like Blues has.

Ian Mathers

Bänz Öster and the Rainmakers — Gratitude (self-released)

This quartet consisting of Europeans Bänz Öster on double bass and Javier Vercher on sax and South Africans Afrika Mkhize on piano and Ayanda Sikade on drums delivers spiritual jazz rooted in the gentler music of Coltrane and Ra. The six long (eight to 12 minute) originals, well-recorded before an appreciative but fairly restrained audience, are uplifting and replete with sophisticated soloing, especially by Mkhize. These guys don’t break any new ground, but the grooves are infectious, and what is described in the liner notes as the “high-voltage connection between North and South” contributes to the good vibes.

Jim Marks

Pile — Hot Air Balloon EP (Exploding in Sound)

In case February’s All Fiction didn’t make it clear, the handful of songs from the same sessions that comprise the Hot Air Balloon EP should drive the point home that Pile is a band at the height of its powers. Recent live shows incorporating a few of these songs into setlists only go to further serve that the distinction between what made the cut for their latest full-length and what got left behind is virtually indistinguishable; some of Hot Air Balloon’s fun is in finding where these songs would’ve best worked their way into All Fiction’s track list. The knotty time signature changes and unexpected rock moments still weave and burst forth, and Rick Maguire’s addictive, meandering pathos carries moments you’ll be left thinking about long after it’s over; me personally, I can’t unlodge the descending chorus of “Exits Blocked” or the very specific line on “The Birds Attacked My Hot Air Balloon” where he sings, “I could see your house from here if I’d bothered to look.” It’s these stories in miniature, like Fitzgerald in The Crack-Up or Felix Feneon, that leave their mark most potently — if, of course, you’re inclined to that sort of thing.

Patrick Masterson

Taiko Saito /Michael Griener /Jan Order — WALD (Trouble In The East)

Free improvisation may be a creative space where an instrument’s baggage can be dropped, but this is easier for some than others. Given its limited and highly distinct sound, the vibraphone’s particularly hard to untether from expectation, but Taiko Saito gives it her best shot on WALD. The Sapporo-born, Berlin-based mallet-wielder, who has worked at length with Silke Eberhard and Satoko Fujii, does not totally play against expectation, but she does keep her instrument’s stylistic mandates at bay by shifting between time and no time, swing and no swing, and steering a middle course between the big wall of sound you might expect from, say, Jason Adasiewicz, and the bebop-derived suppression of resonance pursued by an earlier resonance. This CD documents her first encounter with bassist Jan Roder and drummer Michael Griener, who constitute Die Enttäuschung’s rhythm section, and that association will tell you more about their commitment to the moment than what they actually play. Each of the album’s four spontaneously realized tracks is a world unto itself in which chaos is courted, swing cultivated, or slipstreams ridden. These are woods to get lost in.

Bill Meyer

Skyphone — Oscilla (Lost Tribe Sound)

Lost Tribe Sound has been on something of a jag this year with their Maps to Where the Poison Grows series. This new installment by Danish trio Skyphone is an absorbing and succinct 32 minutes in which attention to detail, texture and instrumental interplay account for a lot. Ideas are introduced then carried through to their natural culmination, with each of the three players sounding present and laser-focused in their creative process. Live drum kit, bass, synths, piano, acoustic guitar, and a whole host of other instruments blown and struck are used to bring vivid color. Think early Mum, Opsvik & Jennings, and Kiln. Six of the seven songs here feel just right (centrepiece “Arbonaught” is especially good). It’s only on final track “Will to Change” that the introduction of heavily effected vocals knock things out of balance and breaks the spell. Elsewhere this is masterful and hypnotic stuff.

Tim Clarke

Stella Siebert/Nat Baldwin — 1.30.22 (Notice Recordings)

This live improvisation set from Stella Siebert — mixer, turntable, objects — and Nat Baldwin playing double bass celebrates special techniques and advanced sampling with chaotic jubilation. Sections are taken out of order (we never get to hear the opener), sculpting the set from free play to intentionality. The recording opens with abrupt samples alongside repeated string pressure. “4” has a bit too much piercing sine tone for my taste, but especially diverting is “9” which features crackling vinyl and ostinatos right at the edge between pitch and noise. The concluding track, “2,” is a 23-minute-long session in which Baldwin plays extended techniques against ostinato samples and handmade percussion. The previous material coalesces into an edgy opus that remains varied and imaginative throughout.

Christian Carey

Tar Of — Confidence Freaks Me Out (sound as language)

Tar Of makes music in brief, bubbly spritzes. Heavy on the keyboards, with giddy abstracted vocal parts, these cuts dance across your field of vision and disappear from view. “Ey Vaay,” the single, adds a bobbling saxophone line to the mix, caroming in from the margins as a dizzy pulse of “ba-ba-ba-ba-bas” push the track forward. “Cardinal” clicks and rattles and swells with wordless counterparts. You’ll need to take a breath when it clatters to a halt. The title track is somewhat more song-shaped, with its stabbing snare beat and woozy woodwinds; it seems to be taking on conventional verse-chorus structure when it breaks apart into vibrating, shimmering atoms. The band is a duo from Brooklyn, made up of two oddball artists—Ariyan Basu and Ramin Rahni—but the tracks have the ecstatic density of large ensemble baroque pop. More is always going on than you can really absorb, and you don’t get a lot of time to get acclimated. Blink and these tracks are over. So, don’t.

Jennifer Kelly

Håvard Wiik / Tim Daisy — Slight Return (Relay)

When pandemic protections canceled all the gigs, Tim Daisy proved particularly resourceful. He turned to musicians like Ikue Mori and Vasco Trilla to respond remotely to his drumming, recorded either before or during lockdown, and realized some intriguing music that demonstrated how improvisation is not just an aesthetic stance, but a way to address life problems. But when the shots came out and the numbers went down, he returned to stages and studios, and his relish at being able to tune into an old friend is evident throughout Slight Return. The album’s name acknowledges that Daisy and Berlin-based pianist Håvard Wiik have been together before; ten years ago, to be precise. There’s a charge to this reconnection that affirms the drummer’s excitement at being able to make new music with old acquaintances once more. It sparks a restless vibe, as the two musicians shift fluidly from restrained exploration to unbridled, jointly generated fracas.

Bill Meyer

Eli Winter — A Day Behind the Deadline (Three Lobed)

Guitarist Eli Winter's latest release continues a changing path in his musical career. His early work (meaning “from four years ago”) worked through a blend of Pauline Oliveros theory and Jack Rose solo playing. He's been steadily expanding his sound since then, working with other like-minded artists to produce music that applies the same sensibility to a bigger palette. A Day Behind the Deadline gives listeners a run-down on this movement, collecting five live tracks from fall 2019 through this spring. Winter's typical intricacy in composition now brings in drummer Tyler Damon and pedal steel guitarist Sam Wagster. The collection mostly moves away from Winter's roots aside from the closing solo acoustic “The Time to Come.” The trio tend to stretch out into odd takes on rock or even Americana (though that has more to do with the pedal steel sound that with the actual song structures). A Day Behind doesn't settle as a proper album (and isn't intended to), even if it does cohere. Instead, it plays like a photo album: here's Winter in transition from his acoustic roots to something else. He comes across as restless, looking for something new, and this release fills the gap while he finds that next thing he's looking for.

Justin Cober-Lake

99Letters — Zigoku (Phantom Limb)

Osaka producer Takahiro Kinoshita AKA 99Letters returns with a new collection of industrial techno built from unrecognizable samples of traditional Japanese music. The word Zigoku evokes “Jigoku” the Japanese Buddhist hell and whilst this album is not as dark sounding as its predecessor Makafushigi, Kinoshita says its main theme is death and the afterlife. At times you recognize the tropes of the early 1980s when elements of industrial music crossed over into early electronic dance music often with global world influences, think 23 Skidoo and Clock DVA. Occasionally the cadences of Japanese music appear, a ghostly presence of traditional, folkloric myths. But in the main, Zigoku exists in its own hermeneutic world interrogating both its sources and its environment. The contrast between modernity and tradition gives Kinoshita’s music a particular tension that is constantly building as he probes cultural and philosophic cracks, seeking to capture those small wavering shafts of hope.

Andrew Forell

[zalrb]

follow up to the media analysis question, how do you keep track of all the details? like for example if im watching a series I'll obviously keep track of the overall plot and theme of the series but I've seen you respond to asks with very specific moments in a show to illustrate your points.

for example in the first episode of TVD when elena says something to Jeremy about her concern bec of his drug use, you're able to track it to "okay she never actually does that" whereas most of the viewers go "okay she said that so its been established that she cares ab this."

or even w her humanity switch i saw people on a post arguing ab how damon didn't force her to do it bc most of the viewers didnt have in mind that she was sired (hell I feel like the writers didnt realise that either bc it's never acknowledged from what I remember)

(hell I feel like the writers didnt realise that either bc it's never acknowledged from what I remember)

Oh, the writers absolutely realized what they did. The fact she's sired is the point because it absolves her from any real responsibility since she didn't choose to turn off her humanity but it also allows her to do "dark" things and go through that part of the vampire experience but then they also wanted to keep Delena a viable option so they decided not to get into the fact that he forced her to turn off her humanity, which is hilarious because ignoring that also undercuts what Delena is meant to be, which is "messy" and "complicated" but they wanted it both ways

how do you keep track of all the details?

Well, like I keep saying, it's not at the forefront of my mind. Like, if I were to have an in person conversation with someone, I wouldn't necessarily be able to be as in depth as I am on tumblr because I wouldn't have the chance to think about it. I can take as long as I want with an ask and sort out exactly what I want to say.

for example in the first episode of TVD when elena says something to Jeremy about her concern bec of his drug use, you're able to track it to "okay she never actually does that" whereas most of the viewers go "okay she said that so its been established that she cares ab this."

Well, that's because that's passive engagement, just because the dialogue says it doesn't mean it actually happens, so watch the show, watch to see if what you're watching and what you're hearing match.

You might not notice it right away but a few episodes or a whole season goes by, if you pay attention to what the characters actually do then if you have a conversation about Elena's personality, you can be like well from what I have seen does she actually do what she says?

Like, you just have to pay attention.

For me specifically, I'm a writer, I'm in the business of building and creating and developing characters and dynamics and relationships so it comes naturally to me to just watch out for these things, it just feels like a natural part of the viewing experience.

[paladinsbrainrot]

CHAPTER THREE: THE MONSTER AND THE SUPERHERO CHAPTER FOUR: DEAR BILLY CHAPTER FIVE: THE NINA PROJECT

I’ve decided to combine everything (that I can remember) from all three of these episodes since there wasn’t much I picked up on. (I tried to watch the show instead of thinking of stuff to analyze this time lol)

This is probably irrelevant but the title of episode 3 reminded me of Chapter Five: The Flea and the Acrobat (from s1), and when El calls herself ‘the monster’. Looks like I was right about these parallels, El calls herself a monster in this episode and this is when they’re close to figuring everything out. 

LAB

- Brenner cradling El parallels to S1

RUSSIA - Hopper being referred to as the Crazy American, crazy because his love for Joyce gets in the way of everything. He will do anything he can for love. 

(If you haven’t been familiar with the phrases ‘crazy’ and ‘stupid’, they are basically metaphors for love in the Stranger Things Universe)

HAWKINS

- I think Max’s hair being in a ponytail for majority of the season represents her lack of expression. From the promo to the ponytails to the braids, she’s definetly going through it. The only time we don’t see her without a ponytail is in this scene, where her hair is loose and she’s wearing a rainbow shirt, quite like the ones she wore during season three. 

I really want to make a big analysis on this, but just to sum it up briefly, Max tying her hair up can represent her lack of communication and her not wanting to open up to people. She locks her hair up in a ponytail just like she locks up her true feelings. Max is really struggling, you guys. I’m going to do an in depth analysis on this, probably picking apart what her loose hair means, what her ponytails mean, and what her braids mean. 

- Anyways, another thing I noticed about the Hawkins plot this season is that when Robin says "What are we looking for exactly?” it reminded me of Mike in season three. I’m really hoping Robin is going to become the new Mike of the group, just including that little bit of fuzz and snarky comments. I’m hoping we get more parallels between them this season. 

- I think that music being able to save Vecna’s victims from their trances parallels to s2 when the gang uses Should I Stay or Should I Go to break Will out of his possession from the Mind Flayer

- Lucas saying “I thought we lost you”/ Mike saying “I feel I lost you”

- When Nancy and Robin visit Pennhurst, Victor Creel describes his boy as a ‘sensitive child’ like how Joyce describes Will as a ‘sensitive boy’. They both like to draw, and wear relatively similar outfits. 

CALIFORNIA

- When Argyle drives the Byers + Mike home, I noticed that when Jonathan and Argyle hum a circus tune we zoom in on El and Will, and they look severely distressed and uncomfortable. Will’s can easily be justified- we know he was quite horrified by clowns when he was younger. But El- it makes me wonder if there’s something more. We did have the fun fair in S3, but El was at Starcourt and wasn’t able to see it.

And they both stare out the window, paralleling. I wonder if El’s just distressed because she feels bad for hitting Angela, though. 

- Mike and El’s “you don’t love me conversation” parallels to Stancy.

Wheeler siblings can’t say I love you to their supposed love interest. 

-I don’t know wether to put this in Hawkins or California but I noticed this

- Will’s conversation with Mike overlaps the scene where Will looks at Mike. Will’s voice says “You can’t let him get to you” before we switch to the shot of Mike and Will on the car. I have a feeling this was done on purpose. I even originally thought this was Will talking to himself- not leading into another scene. So I do think this was intentional, this referring to Will & Mike instead. A deeper meaning. 

Will can’t let Mike get to him. They literally have bigger things to worry about. He has to put aside his feelings for Mike. 

- Will and Mike on the cars, in the middle of a junkyard, is a direct parallel to Lumax in s2. 

[chapscher]

What are ur thoughts on Goncharov's themes of time and isolation?

Holy shit I've been wanting to talk about this ever since I noticed something the other day and hoo boy do i have thoughts.

Okay, so, I've never been in film but I really love listening to commentaries and something that I've heard several directors mention is that including clocks in a scene is a *pain.* Unless the clocks are stopped or are only on screen briefly, then it becomes super obvious when there have been re-takes and edits. Even in films where time is *very important,* like High Noon (1952), the clocks aren't always synched up. There are only a few films I can think of where the clocks are actually consistent throughout - Kubrick's The Killing (1956) and Drew Goddard's Bad Times at the El Royale (2018) are two of them. Goncharov is devilishly good at this.

There are two moments that really stuck out to me. The first is when Goncharov comes home alone. He goes to the bedroom, to the vanity, uses Katya's makeup on the bruise, and turns away from the mirror. This moment I could go on and on about but i'm sure someone has already provided a more in-depth analysis than I could and I don't want to be redundant. Anyways, what I'm looking at is the delicate little clock beside him displaying 10:59. The shot lasts only one minute...

The second moment is in the train station after Andrey Experiences Consequences (you know what I mean) and he hides in the bathroom to be upset and alone. He does a line and stares at himself in the mirror, experiencing every single emotion in an amazing display of microexpressions. But, again, let's look behind him at the clock reflected in the mirror displaying 12:59. Again this shot lasts for only one minute and ends with him saying "you'll see me"...

And at 11:00 and 1:00 exactly, Andrey still staring not just at the mirror but deep into it, Goncharov turns and looks back at his reflection. We know these are different times but in the reflected mirror in Andrey's scene it looks like the same time. Throughout the film, time bridges conversations and meetings and deaths. But I really appreciate the mechanics that went into these two shots and how it fit into the larger concept of "the intimacy of isolation" - shared not just between subject and audience, but between subjects.

[d0ughb0y315]

Benedick Character Analysis

I wrote this about.... a lil over a year ago when I played this character so uhhhhhhhhyeah enjoy ~~~

I don’t feel like writing this as a normal essay, since it’s quite literally not. This is just me getting my thoughts down on page about a character I’m thinking way too in depth about. Just because you’re a person who loves people and quite literally lives for others doesn’t mean you have everything sorted out in life. It doesn’t work like that. Instead, you’re confident in the fact that you’ll be there for everyone else but worry to a crippling extent that nobody will be there for you. So what do you do about it? You hide. You joke. You play jester. It’s not like you don’t know what you’re doing or that it’s unhealthy… in fact you know exactly what you’re doing. You know how to word things so that people only slightly worry for you but end up laughing it off in the end. You don’t notice it’s a problem until you finally break down in an unusual situation and realize that your body and mind’s way of dealing with that is to completely shut down all occurrences of those feelings for the next while. You don’t realize it’s a problem until people point out the fact that you’re so obnoxious, till you realize you have become the comedic relief. It isn’t necessarily that people don’t come to you with problems, that still happens and those are serious moments. In fact, because you love people, you live for them, like I said before. You know how they work, how to stay calm, how to not break character in situations where you’re needed. You become the therapist friend. I’ve always found it funny how the therapist friend and the comedic relief friend tend to be one in the same. Your jokes don’t have to be funny, your advice doesn’t always have to be the best. You just have to feel for people. Because not everyone can the way you do. And that’s okay, they shouldn’t have to. That’s why you’re here. But sometimes, when you’ve had enough, you snap. Nobody expects it, the complete, seething anger that’s able to spill from your lips when the time is right. When someone has pushed you just a bit too far past your limit. 

And I’m not saying that being this person is a bad thing, it’s simply a bit much sometimes. You lose track of yourself in caring so much for others. But you’re okay with that if it means everyone else gets to feel okay. You can help people, you can cheer them up, you can just offer them a genuine hug - something so many people desire but also something that seems to be in such short supply - a hug… what good certain types of hugs can do. And there are different types. There’s the hug you receive from a friend while hanging out. There’s the hug you get from a partner in those more private, emotionally intimate moments when you just can’t hold all the emotions in anymore. There’s the hug you get from a parent or adult figure that feels so loving that you’re finally able to let your walls down, finally able to be a scared little kid again, because you know they’ve got you. That’s my personal favorite type of hug. There’s so many more, but it’s getting a bit repetitive. Either way, everyone needs hugs from time to time and that’s what you’re here for: a hug and a joke. You learned a long time ago how to deal with your problems alone; the faster you learned that the more you were able to be for people. You fell in love with humanity itself, and you vowed to care for it. But now you don’t know how to let humanity care for you. The nights sat sobbing and silently screaming for those you love to the point where your heart begins to physically hurt. It hurts so deep it opens a chasm that you allow yourself to gracefully dive into. But only once. Then the feeling is no more, for you must become the jester. 

And such a man is Benedick.

[drew-mga2022mi6021]

Conceptualisation | Brief Analysis and Exploration

To begin exploring, I put down all my unrefined and rough thoughts on paper in the form of a mind map. To begin, I started out with my concepts and divided each section into what I want to say through the final film, my inspirations and my proposed thesis statement in relation to the film. I will go through each topic individually in more depth in their own blog posts for ease of access later on.

Additionally, I tried to bring forward certain themes and evolve some aspects of my initial concepts, which resulted in an evolution of my concept of Solarpunk. Throughout this refinement process, I found myself coming back to the key questions the brief asks of us.

What do you want to be known for?

Concept Art from my upcoming children's book

The internship programme we were made to embark on over the last 3 months was not exactly an industry internship for me. I worked at the MJF Charitable Foundation, a place that aids people with disabilities and families in poverty. Learning beyond design helped me gain perspective in my own life and work, and how I could use my skills to impact the lives around me.

A long-term assignment that I have been working on is to create a book to educate young audiences. The story itself is unrelated to the main message (an underlying theme in my work). As a kid, I have always been entranced by novels. I know that I have always wanted to write. However, since pursuing a degree in animation, it would be more accurate to say that I now have a passion for storytelling.

Storytelling itself does not mean just animation or writing. Stories could be told through environments, through games, through simple photographs. I want to explore every avenue that I can to tell stories. Looking back on my track record of work, it's not very specific. I've done space renders, experimented with pixel art in 3D space, created models to be printed in 3D, written and illustrated books, done 2D animations, curated exhibitions for festivals, created large installation artworks for said festivals, and even to a certain extent art direction.

This leads into the most important question the brief asks of me; what do I want to be known for?

The short answer; everything, I want to do everything. The long answer; I don't really know? All I know is that I want to create. My first love was writing, then 2d animation, then mixed media, then photography and most recently children's books. However, amidst all this, I noticed a distinct lack of something in the cultural sphere. If one were to take popular media today, the results would be polarising. They are either heavily centred around the West or the East. There is a lack of South Asian stories in the world. And no, I do not mean stories that are overtly South Asian, such as Rama and Seeta or the story of The Buddha. No, I mean that there is a lack of modern stories set in South Asia, that utilise the resources that South Asia brings to the table.

Shehan Karunatilake - Author of the Best Selling The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida

One man that I am inspired by time and time again is the writing of Shehan Karunatilake, who does exactly what I have described. I am not saying that I want to be the next Mr. Karunatilake. I want to add more meaningful stories set in this tiny island that we live on. I want to put Sri Lanka back on the map as a society with the talent to tell stories, to innovate and to design.

Lofty aspirations aside, I do have another goal. A much more selfish one. Simply put, I want to make people happy. I want to make people feel comfort and warmth. I want to make people feel deep emotions through my work. This is why I am so taken by stories like Hilda. A children's show that tackles deep subjects in a comforting way. Ultimately, I want to make people feel.

And so we return full circle to the question of what do I want to be known for? I think the best answer to this question is that I want to simply be known for weaving touching narratives, regardless of medium; a storyteller, if you will. I want to be known as that one person your friend calls when they tell someone "Hold on, I know a guy." And I think the best place to plant those seeds is with my final film.

What ideas have you been yearning to bring into the world?

Scientifically Accurate Render of The Earth from Space - Drew de Silva

My brain is constantly working on overtime, even when I am supposed to be resting. I find that my best ideas come to me in a vision, whilst pacing around my room with questionable intent. I'm constantly bouncing between the idea of bringing fun, short stories to the world just for the sake of being fun, or creating sprawling, touching narratives that speak to a very specific niche of the human psyche. I thought this was a good place to begin when constructing my mind map. This would result in me creating the divisions to flesh out each concept that I had chosen thus far.

Sometimes, I find myself working on ideas for so long that I forget how they really started. Over the last decade (wow, I am OLD), I've been working on and off on a concept for some stories that I eventually want to tell the world. I've worked on it for so long that the idea that I have now is completely unrecognisable from the one that I started with. However, while the story and characters may have changed, there is one thing that did not; the emotions. The stories that I yearn to bring the world are ones of hope, of inspiration, of comfort and of love. Essentially, I want to create things that, while not necessarily 100% happy, eventually bring comfort to the viewer in the end.

What is the best project to demonstrate all of the skills you have learned so far?

An Excerpt from I Love Bugs and Why I'm Scared of Dying - Drew de Silva

Tied with my MI5018 submission for my favourite project that I have worked on thus far is the answer to my Experimental Motion Graphics brief. This project truly allowed me to explore all the things that I loved in animation; composition, traditional and digital 2d animation, mixed media, stop motion and more unorthodox methods of creating engaging visuals such as screen printing.

My main passion in this field is digital 2D animation, which is why I loved creating my VFX film last year. Therefore, my final film would be mainly composed of 2D animation. Similarly, while (at this stage) I do not intend to pursue as many media as I did for that project, I intend on experimenting with other media for the final outcome of this film.

What does the world need right now?

Amidst the countless ruthless conflicts that are happening across the world, the growing climate crisis and the general apathy that our society has built up over the years, the world is in a constant state of disarray. Does the world even care about what I have to say? Does the world need more Sri Lanka? More Drew?

I think the people of the world need to shut up and listen to each other for five seconds. To slow down and really enjoy the things that we have. I think that the world needs more stories with happy endings. Maybe then, we can carve our own.

[krastbannert]

7, 13, 17 (Longbee)

7. Have you written any romantic couples that you think would be better off as friends? Or even enemies?

Yes, actually, I have - and this might get me some flak, it's Zutara. Don't get me wrong, I like Zutara (some of the best stories I've ever read are Zutara stories), I just don't really see them lasting too long as a couple. A lot of people think they're opposites, and in some ways they are, but I think they're more alike than most people say. I think they almost have too many traits in common - both incredibly passionate, both hot-headed, both stubborn, both very proud. That all makes for a very dynamic, very intense relationship, but I think that a certain point it would boil over. It would be a fast burn, and very hard burn, that bursts in a spectacular way. Although I do think they'd get over that, eventually, and become friends again. But not really a couple.

Also I just love seeing them argue as enemies. It's entertaining.

13. Are there any consistent trends when you write a budding relationship, or does it vary by character? If there are trends, what are they?

I honestly don't think I've written enough developing relationships to notice a trend? I want to do more, in fact I've got a Destiny story about exactly that (the evolution from first meeting to life-long lovers), but I'm only on Chapter 1, and am stuck on Chapter 2 right now. And burn on the pyre has kinda fizzled out and I haven't touched it in a while, so I haven't written it for Longbee (though I want to).

So I guess the answer is "I don't know yet".

17. Did you base [couple] on any existing relationships that you've seen? This can be anything: TV characters, books, even people you've known in real life.

Not intentionally? I'm sure I have, and you probably could find something if you did an in-depth analysis of my writing and what I've read/watched, but I can't think of anything. The only thing that's really coming to mind is Sera and the Inquisitor from Dragon Age: Inquisition, although Smellerbee is considerably more sane than Sera (now there's a scary thought, Smellerbee being more sane than someone). But that's the closest I can think of.

------

Asks came from this ask game!

[jonathankatwhatever]

I think I may be feeling better. I had a huge breakthrough in which Storylines unified. That’s not the same as merged, because they remained separate Storylines, but the characters became aspects of a shared identity, so I could see how they connected to define the character, which was extraordinary because it became she is every she, and I could hear roles being played. Then it became a fun sequence where we, in various characters, were goofing around physically, sometimes dancing, sometimes more playing or just doing things to and with each other, and I could see how that unified all the Storylines, and especially in the highly resistant physical sense because that reduced the abstraction to the physical depiction level, by which I mean I could see the D3-4 renderings, meaning those renderings of D3 which connect in threads, which thus orders across the Extent of the thread, because that makes a 1-0Segment, and that conveys the solidity into and out of the enclosing D4-3 space. Not the reversal in the labeling of space. D3-4 is up into the grid square, into that which is bounded within the Dimensional Enclosure, meaning it takes a close rendering of an object and abstracts that object along a 1-0Segment, so that generates the pathways toward the various Ends which occur at the edges of the grid square, at the boundary edge which relates the grid square to higher dimensional space.

I knew that breakthrough would become maths. We just managed to define D4-3 existences as those which Inmanate, which come from the edge of the grid square and connect to the D3 existences, meaning to the Triangular and thus the Hexagonal. I need to try to get this out. The Hexagonal pairs just as the D3-4 existences pair when K’d. That is, the K-point, which is the emission point, is on the inside edge. I’m seeing skew in which the projection of the pairing tilts, as InjT, so this is attempting to connect InjT to Dimensional Analysis by stating that the Injection is taken to be orthogonal and thus the skew summarizes or conveys the information in the Injection. This would, for example, match the value ‘demanded’ with the value Injected, for better or worse. So, what I mean by Injection needs to be more specific: Injection is what is injected, not the process by which matching occurs. I’m seeing that as part of InjT because there is an Injection reaction (in which lack of Injection is considered an Injection, because of 1-0-1, meaning a modularity occurs which matches across two structures. Saying that makes it a bit more obvious: AT meets InjT here because the Injection has to Attach the structure being injected to the structure being injected into, very much a fertilization conception.

That means we have an orthogonal relationship, the Fan concept again, so this is the midpoint of a 1-0Segment. And that is exactly how it actually does work, like in combat, in games, in anything, there is a matching and that now has idealized orderings which can be accessed, to some depth. Gets to the conception that cultures enable or restrict capability; now that is limits the ability to see other orderings. That also fits with the discussion I heard while walking - in the dark, in the cold, along the river - oh, it’s 10 now 11 Dec 2022, in which I heard how mental illness is actually treatable by explaining how the mind reacts by generating storylines, and so on. It was interesting because it was obviously a Metaphoric Bundle of words which contain great depth when strung together in this order and with the proper focus angle, which taps into something I noticed when looking in the mirror, that I can now see myself with either eye equally, which is new, with no competing or doubt, with the same acceptance.

To try to make this a bit stronger as I fade into the couch, the orthogonal relationship is the midpoint but encoded in the Injection is the Extent and its skew. Let’s say the extent is 7 and the skew is -2, then you have an Extent running from -2 to 5 and modularly thereafter. In other words, a 0 skew would generate 0 to 7 and thus 0 to -7. Because of this, it can map -2 to 5, as well as -1 to 6. So, you can think of this as modularity of 7, skew -2, so the left path would run -2 to -9, while up would run -2 to 5 to 12. What I’m seeing suggests that a lot goes into a skew, and that the skew can be treated as a rotation as well. So, let’s say there’s an Injection of 7 value and the requirement is a 7 value, but the skew of -2 is greater than a skew of -1, which is thus a higher choice. This can be measured in other ways too. I’m thinking spatially, using vectors and then tensors.

Stepping back, the concept is that there’s an ideal for the modularity of the Injection. This allows very complicated but also very simple and easily tipped comparisons and thus relationships.

I need to close my eyes. I’m half-drifting off as I type.