#not going to hold my breath but another game would be nice since the br thing just isnt working for me

[totallyseiso]

Reading Apex lore and doing a little math, and it looks like it's been roughly 20 years since the Frontier War ended and the IMC forces ran home to the Core Systems.

Due to all the sabotaging the Militia did in the first Titanfall it takes roughly 20 years to fly ships out to the Frontier, which is where the Outlands are located.

If Respawn wanted to there is a lot of story stuff they could do involving people coming from the Core Systems.

New legends from Core space? Militarised factions showing up to take advantage of the lack of IMC forces and going to war with the Syndicate? A tonne of advanced weapons from IMC companies? So much they could do.

Hell, if they wanted to they could even make yet another spin-off game if they want to go the faction war route

[nocturnalazura]

Imagine Us in Heaven

Kaminari Denki x Gn Reader Afterlife Collab

Wc: 2.2K

Warning: Mentions of Death (nothing explicit), some minor cursing.

This is part of @httptamaki and @myrulia Afterlife Collab! This was such a sweet idea and I'm so happy I got to be apart of it! I hope you enjoy my soft little story! Check out the rest of the participants works Here

“I’m telling you like 50 years from now we’re gonna be all old and have grandkids that come visit us and then we’ll be in heaven together for eternity!” Yells Kaminari.

“What makes you think I want to spend an eternity with you? Or that we’ll both get into heaven?” You giggle at him.

“We’re amazing, we'll get in. And! Because you’ve been madly in love with me since we were 18 duh!”

“Oh my god that's rich coming from the guy that’s short circuited the first time I talked to him our first year at UA.”

“It’s been ten years, stop bringing that up already!” He shouts before grabbing and tickling you.

“Aww haha but you were so cute, Denki stop it!” You squeal and laugh as you try to wiggle out of his arms. “Please! I’ll stop br-bring it up!”

“Tell me you love me and want to spend an eternity with me!”

“Fine! I love you and I wanna spend an eternity with you!” You laugh finally getting a chance to catch your breath as his hands fall from your sides to spin you around and pull you close.

Smiling at you with bright happy golden eyes he leans down and presses a long soft kiss to your lips swaying slowly with you in his arms. Pulling away from his kiss you rest your head against his shoulder breathing in the warm scent of his cologne while his warmth wraps you up in nothing but safety.

They always say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but for Kaminari it was one moment. One memory of the two of you, surrounded by nothing but happiness as you danced and laughed around the living room of the apartment you once shared. It’s one of the last happy memories he created with you before you were ripped away from him just days later. The last time he thought about the little velvet box hidden in his game room that he couldn’t wait to give you without tears pricking his eyes. It’s the memory that kept him going for five years after you didn’t make it out of that building. And now it’s the last memory he thinks of as his heart stops beating, as everything around him fades to black, and the screams of his friends and civilians finally fall silent.

A bright white light erupts around him jolting him awake, all the pain, dirt, smoke and blood suddenly gone. Sitting up he finds himself in a small patch of grass warmed by sunlight. Looking down he takes note that he’s no longer wearing his hero costume but instead he’s dressed in simple jeans and a t- shirt. Standing up he looks around only to find himself in what looks like a small park that feels like it should be familiar but he can’t quite place it in his memories.

After a search of his pockets comes up empty for his phone or wallet he cautiously begins walking aimlessly through the little park. It’s warm and bright here, everything is so calm and quiet. The colors around him are perfect and vivid, seemingly untouched as he wanders around. A perfect cool breeze swirls around him providing a nice contrast to the warmth of the sun that beats down on him. It’s a little unnerving here for some reason that he really can’t pinpoint. It feels like he’s missing something. As he keeps going a little swing set comes into view with the soft silhouette of someone sitting there kicking lightly at the dirt below them. His pace quickens slightly as he sees them relieved to see someone else until he stops in his tracks when he catches a glimpse of their face as the person spins around twisting the chains of the swing only to lift their feet and spin around laughing freely. Before he knows it he’s running the rest of the way towards the swings tripping over himself before he can reach them and landing rather ungracefully in the grass as the edge of the dirt area.

“You know I always thought the first time I’d see you here it would be a little more graceful?” You laugh getting up and walking over to crouch down in front of him. Reaching out, you softly cup his cheeks and lift his head to look at his face. “I also always kind of hoped I wouldn’t see you for a really long time.”

“Y/n, you’re, you’re here?” He says trying to gather his thoughts as hot tears start to burn his eyes.

“Of course I’m here, you do know where you are right?”

“I-i died saving that lady and her baby right?”

“Yeah, you got them out of the way just in time, and I didn’t get out of the building in time when it collapsed.” You confirm as he pushes himself up to sit in front of you a few stray tears slowly slide down his face.

“So this is it, this i-is the afterlife or heaven I um guess, right?” He struggles to get out as he scrubs at his eyes trying to stop the tears.

“Yep!”

Kaminari stares at you with wide eyes clearly still trying to figure out if you’re truly in front of him. Giving him a large smile you plop down pulling your knees to your chest and resting your head there. Tentatively he reaches a hand out letting his fingers softly trace along your jaw, the soft slope of your nose and finally your plump lower lip. Smoothing the pad of his thumb over your soft cheek he lets out a choked little laugh as tears finally fall freely from his golden eyes.

“I I can touch you.” he says through tears and laughter.

“Yeah you can touch me. I’m real, I’m here with you.”

“I missed you, god I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Denki.”

Before you know it he’s tackling you into the soft grass, arms crushing you into his body. All over again the scent of all too familiar cologne and body heat swallows you whole. You let out a strangled laugh as you feel tears slowly trail down your face as your hands grab at the back of his shirt pressing him into your further. Kaminari’s body shakes against yours as his tears dampen the shoulder of your shirt. The feeling of you pressed against him opens the flood gate of feelings he’s held in for years since you left.

This is comfort in a way neither of you have felt in so long. You scratch lightly at his letting him take his time soaking up your own warmth and smell. Clearly overwhelmed with finally being able to touch you again, you allow him to skim his hands over your body feeling soft warm skin he never thought he’d feel again. Finally he simply relaxes against you situating himself so he doesn’t put too much weight on you.

“You hardly dated after I died. I wouldn’t have minded you know, I wanted you to be happy.” You whisper into his hair.

“It didn’t feel right. I um I was gonna ask you to marry me.” He murmurs into your neck. “The ring is still in the game room actually. I couldn’t get rid of it.”

“I would have said yes.”

“Yeah?” He says pushing up on his forearms to look down at you. Cupping his cheek softly you give a soft little smile and nod. “I should have asked you sooner. I was always too nervous.”

“Did you think I’d say no to you?”

“No. I just I don’t know shut up.” He whines. “It’s scary asking the person you love to spend the rest of their life with you.”

“Well I mean I did kind of spend the rest of my life with you.” You point out with a grin.

“Five years. I missed you for five years and that’s what you say to me after I tell you I wanted to marry you?”

“I’m sorry.” You whisper not meeting his eyes. Then you hear it, it starts out slow and builds into your favorite noise. Laughter, but not just any laughter, Kaminari’s laughter that’s filled with nothing but happiness. “ You? You’re laughing?”

“You’re such an idiot sometimes. I missed your shitty sense of humor.”

You can’t help but also laugh with him, his laughter has always been infectious to you. The happy sound bubbles out of the two you filling the air around you easily. As your laughter dies down he pauses to look at you taking the soft dusting of pink that rests on your cheeks from laughing. Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding he leans down kissing you for the first time in years.

His lips are warm and soft as they slot against your own, pouring all his feelings from the past few years into one singular kiss. It’s like nothing has changed honestly, your arms immediately wrap around his neck while your fingers toy with his hair. Kaminari sighs against your lips, completely entranced by the way you move against him. The kiss eventually turns into the two of you simply smiling like idiots against one another.

After what seems like hours he pulls away from you and finally stands up and holds out a hand for you. Reaching a hand up to grasp his hand, you let him pull you up into his arms.

“I know it’s kind of selfish but I’m really glad you’re here.” You say smiling up at him sheepishly.

“Yeah? And why is that?”

“I’ve been waiting to spend that eternity together, dummy.” The smile that takes over his face is worth every amount of pain you had ever felt in your past life. It’s bright and makes your heart fill and tighten up with how much you missed the sight of his truest smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He questions tilting his head like a confused dog.

“I’m just happy to be with you again.” You laugh, wiggling your way out of his arms to start walking. Immediately he moves to catch up with you and lace your fingers together. He lets you pull him around wandering aimlessly through a small town where other people seem to wander as well going about their new lives as if nothing has changed. Finally you come up to a building which you eagerly open pulling him behind you as you race up a flight of stairs. You suddenly stop causing him to slam into slightly, pushing you against a simple door, letting go of his hand. You spin around, back against the door and smile up at him widely. “You ready?”

“For what?” He questions matching your smile.

“For our eternity.” You giggle, pushing up the door to show him what seems to be the same apartment you two shared years ago. Stepping out of the way, you allow him to move past you and explore the small apartment before you finally step in yourself and stand in the middle of the little living room and wait for him. You hear him rummaging around in what you assume is his game room; you sit down on the couch letting him do his thing. Finally he walks back in looking shocked.

“Holy shit, it’s exactly the same.”

“Yep! It looks a little different now that you’re here with me. Some things like the place we live can change a little depending on what we really want. So now that you’re here it’s changed just a little.”

“So we kind of just go on living our lives then?”

“Sort of yeah, we’re free to do whatever we want really. We can eat, wander around, make friends and have fun, there’s ways to get little jobs and stuff if you’re interested. There’s limits to what we can do obviously but other than that it’s pretty nice.”

Nodding slightly he looks around before finally pulling a small velvet box from his back pocket. He fidgets around with it for a few seconds before looking down at you. He gives you a small shy smile when he finds you already looking up at him with wide eyes. Licking his lips he slowly kneels down in front of you, opening the box to show a simple little ring with a small yellow stone in the center.

“It’s um a little late I guess, fuck this is gonna sound really cheesy and stupid.” He says, shaking his head. “But um will you spend eternity with me or whatever this is?”

“Of course!” You shout, throwing yourself into him. Thankfully he easily catches you as you two topple over. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask that!” Laughing happily he pulls you into a sweet kiss as he sits up to put the ring on your finger.

“So guess you really do wanna spend an eternity with me then.” Kaminari says later that evening as the two of you sway around your home.

“I’ll start bringing up the first year thing again.”

“Ok! Jeez sorry won’t bring it up again.”

Rolling your eyes you give him a quick kiss before resting your head on his shoulder while he kisses the top of your head sighing happily.

[say-narry]

The Tonight Show

>> Versão em PT-BR

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Sorry, english isn't my first language! Hope you all like!

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"Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our friend and singer Harry Styles and his friend and new Marvel's actress, Y/N Y/LN!" Jimmy raised his arms pointing to the stage entrance and Harry and Y/N entered side by side.

They smiled and waved to the audience, who returned the whistling and clapping.

Harry greeted Jimmy with a brief hug and Y/N did the same, giving kisses.

Jimmy pointed to the two dark armchairs next to his table and Y/N sat down next to Jimmy and Harry next to him.

The whistling and clapping ceased. They were both smiling for the cameras and sure enough, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon was scoring very high ratings.

"Great to have you here, everybody! " Jimmy started "We've been on this marathon interviewing friends in the business world and you're closing with a bang!" there was some applause "How long have you been friends?"

Y/N and Harry looked at each other and posed as if they were thinking.

"About three years, right?" Y/N looked at his friend, who agreed. "I wasn't so well known yet, I was participating as a co-star in This is Family, Harry was very nice to send invitations to everyone to his show. From that moment on, we started our partnership."

"Very nice that! And you must hear this question a lot..." a chill went through their stomachs, they knew what it was going to be "Nothing ever happened between you?" Jimmy let out a chuckle and their cheeks flushed.

It was more the discomfort of the question than the act that never happened. They were very close friends, nothing more than a tight hug and kisses on the cheek.

On social media, it was clear that Harry was the friend every woman would want to have, and to S/N fans, there was nothing going on between them since she had a few quick flings with Chris Evans, but only one person knew how much Harry was in love with his best friend, ever since he saw her in the sitcom she acted in, it motivated him to give input to the cast. He himself was that person. He wanted to see if the energy she conveyed on the small screen was the same, but it wasn't. It was simply much better. Y/N was Harry's fit, he had known that since they had spoken in person and Harry had already pulled strings to keep her around.

"No, we never had anything." Harry answered.

"Okay!" Jimmy joked making a funny face. "Kidding guys, it's uncomfortable this kind of question, but I think that just like me, your fans also think that you would make a cute couple."

"We see this a lot on twitter, I often take screenshots and send them to Harry, we laugh a lot, but we have a mutual respect. " Y/N tried to close the subject.

"And about your new song, Harry..."

"We are back with our guests, guys, and they agree to play our "hit the target" game!" Jimmy pointed to three dolls with the picture of himself, Y/N and Harry. There were scores written on part of each one's body.

"It's just a game, but we want to test your aim!" Jimmy continued "As you can see, there are points on every part of our body. Whoever manages to get the five arrows with the most points can choose a charity to donate 50 thousand dollars!" Harry and Y/N clapped side by side again "The loser will have to answer a question from our little box." Jimmy waved a dark red cube and his friends agreed.

The game began with Jimmy aiming at the head height of his paper doll. He fired all five plexiglas and accumulated 100 points.

The next player was Y/N, who ended up taking off her heels to make her move firmer, being assisted by Harry, who made the audience gasp for the act of affection when he held her to take off her shoes.

Y/N shot the first one, hitting the heart of her dummy, starting with 300 points. The next two missed, and the last one hit his dummy's forehead, adding another 100 points.

Harry just looked at her amused. She was good at this, sometimes you guys played this at his parties, it was a game that got on his nerves, because he wasn't good at it.

"Come on, Harry!" The host handed the little arrows to Harry and he positioned himself as Y/N did, maybe if he followed her way, he would be able to hit more points.

Big mistake.

The first arrow hit his wrist, starting with ten points. He made a snapping motion of his neck, drawing a few laughs from the audience. Harry shot two more arrows, one of which hit his arm, and the other fell before it hit the dummy.

"I think it's those rings." He complained loudly and took them off, giving them to Y/N who put them on, showing his fingers to the cameras, making a joke to the home audience.

Harry pointed to the heart of his dummy. If he got it right, he wouldn't have to answer the question.

And he shot. The arrow made a turn and unfortunately stopped in his arm, giving him another 50 points.

Harry would have to answer the damn question.

He groaned in despair as Jimmy and Y/N celebrated their victory.

The announcer walked away and picked up the red box and waved it at Harry. Who pouted in disappointment, sure all his fanclubs would be commenting on his cute expression.

"Take a little paper and read it to us, Harry." Jimmy held out the box and Harry put his hand inside, feeling some papers on his fingers.

He moved his hand a little and brushed at a piece of paper. He unfolded it and read.

His breathing had suddenly become heavier. It seemed as if he was out of breath, his fingers holding the small paper trembled.

"Er... Your challenge is: declare yourself to your crush!" The audience let out a few shouts and Y/N, always very expressive, opened her mouth and her eyes widened. Harry denied it with his head, laughing sideways, trying not to show his nervousness.

As close as they were, Harry didn't mention his girlfriends. She followed his fans that were also Harry's fans and sometimes she saw news about him dating some woman, but if he didn't say anything, it could be just his friends and if it was, she wouldn't invade his intimacy, she would wait for him to say something. Nothing had to be heavy in that friendship, she was aware of that, sometimes they would rather spend their time talking about random things like constellations and signs than their boyfriends and that was fine with her.

"Is this really necessary?" Harry asked in a playful tone.

Jimmy laughed and nodded positively.

They had formed a sort of open wheel on the stage.

"Come on, H! You can do it, because that's what I want to know too!" Y/N teased him.

He looked at her, closing his eyes as if she had failed in some secret plan of theirs.

"Okay... The person I like is very special..." He took a breath, playing with the paper in his hand "I won't say the name, but I will tell the situation we lived."

Y/N squatted down next to Jimmy, who hugged him in a friendly way while they listened to Harry.

"We were at a party among friends. We drank a lot, which we never did. It was on our friend's yacht, it was really an exciting day. I remember that we drank so much that this person... vomited a green liquid on my feet." Jimmy made a face of disgust and the audience murmured with disgust as well, Y/N remained static, because she knew this story. She had been there. She had vomited on him, which got a good laugh when she sobered up. "It's disgusting, I almost followed this person, but seeing this person so vulnerable, so sensitive in my arms... It made me see how much she was the perfect person for me, showed me how completely in love I was with her."

Y/N's heart soared, but as an actress who had conquered Hollywood, she made the best expression of curiosity, pretending not to know what it was all about.

"Do you have any idea who it is, Y/N?" Jimmy asked.

"I have no idea, I wish I could use my mind reading powers right now." She joked, referring to her character.

On the other side of the stage, there was an embarrassed Harry. His heart was tight, because he knew his best friend wasn't stupid and hadn't forgotten that day on the boat, when he took care of her, so much so that she slept on his lap and thanked him for it. He knew how spontaneous she was, he was dying for her to run out of Jimmy's side and jump on his lap and kiss him in front of everyone.

On the social networks, there was no other talk. Both of their names were at the top of the world trends topics, and in the news of the famous as well.

Y/N had donated the amount to the institution that cared for homeless people in New York. In a game of scenes, she returned the rings to Harry and didn't look at him, just went along with Jimmy's antics, leaving her friend completely out in the cold.

She didn't want to even think about it. Harry had never given the slightest sign of interest, he had gone out with a woman in the last few days... She was just another friend, no?

Jimmy thanked them both for their presence. They posed for some pictures with the host and the fans in the audience, both of them swallowing dryly and not looking at each other.

Soon the Y/N's accessory called her over and they left. She couldn't look at Harry, couldn't imagine that her favorite teenage singer, her current best friend, was in love with her, a foreigner new to show business.

It had been 15 days since the show had aired. There was still some murmuring on the social networks, Harry and Y/N had come in to check what they were talking about and most had picked up on Harry's words, they had even gotten pictures of them both from the day of the party on the yacht. It was clear from the whole thing.

But they hadn't exchanged a word, their friendship was shaken and Y/N couldn't stand it anymore.

On her day off in London, she took a coat since it was autumn and considerably cold in the late afternoon. She had always been a person who liked to dot the i's and cross the t's. Why was she running away this time? It was Harry there. It was Harry declaring that he was in love with her. What was the problem? She had been in love with him since she was a teenager, the Hollywood world was attractive and fantastic, but to whom could she be sincere, be herself, be the Y/N who left Brazil in search of opportunity and conquered the world? Except for her family, Harry was the only person fit for the job. Him. Only him.

Harry lived a few blocks away, she closed the apartment door and left the condo, there were no paparazzi, not that she had seen.

She pulled up her black hoodie and put her hair over her face, walking quickly through the cold streets of the chic neighborhood.

Braving some closed pedestrian signals, she arrived after a few minutes at the brown stone wall and black gate.

She had the key, they were so close at that point. They trusted each other.

Entering and closing it quickly, she saw some lights on. Y/N hadn't wondered if Harry was accompanied by someone else, his producers or his family.

Her finger slid between the detailed gold knob and opened the door, the wind and the smell of Harry's perfume went straight to her nostrils, filling her lungs.

She stepped inside and took a deep breath. Her heart seemed to throb close to her throat, and as cold as it was, she was sweating.

"Harry?" She called out. "H?"

No sound, no "I'm here!" The alarms hadn't gone off, he could be in the shower or in the studio composing something.

"Harry! It's Y/N, we need to talk!" She said a little louder "If you're with someone, I'm leaving..."

She walked to the center of the huge decorated room, there were some golden items, it was Harry's face. Y/N smiled as she touched a beautiful vase on the table. She couldn't lose him. She loved him, loved his way, his voice, his everything.

"Y/N." She heard Harry's husky voice, behind her between two sliding doors. It was his home office.

Harry was wearing a robe, his face had a sad, tired expression. His hair was not as she was used to seeing it. It was just the way it was. His nose was red, as if he had just cried.

That was it.

"Hazza!" Y/n murmured, walking slowly over to him, who bowed his head in shame.

"What was it?" Without denying his Aquarius side, Harry answered short.

The woman took a breath of air, until she walked more quickly in front of her best friend, stretching her hands until she held his face and joined their lips.

If you could see their stomachs, it would be something similar to fireworks in Copacabana on New Year's Eve.

Harry pushed the doors aside and took his best friend by the waist, pressing her against him.

How much he had dreamed of this. How much he wished it would happen. Their lips were warm, their tongues met, caressing each other, the sighs were audible, Harry couldn't help but smile at that.

"Forgive me." Y/N pulled away minimally whimpering, stroking between his best friend's jaw and neck. "I'm not afraid when I'm the superhero, but in real life... I'm a coward."

Harry shook his head negatively.

"I shouldn't have exposed us like that." Harry passed his hand over his girl's face "But I had to tell the truth."

Y/N agreed, putting her arms around her best friend's neck, hugging him tightly.

"I'm glad you came." Harry murmured. "I couldn't stand another day without talking to you."

"Not anymore, babe. I'm yours from now on."

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Any suggestions?

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To @leeroysdancer ;)

[yourfavewriteress]

the turn in our relationship | gabriel landeskog

Teaser: “This is really not just platonic for me anymore, and I’d rather tell you so that you know.”

Warnings: definitely a longer one; mentions of cancer

October 2019

“I thought you said she was going to be here,” I groaned.

“I thought she was going to be here, too!” Tyson exclaimed. “She canceled last minute and I thought you liked to hang out with me and not just her, Y/N.”

“Obviously,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “It’s fine, I’ll just call her later.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, looking down at me outside of his front door where his party was currently going on. The same party that I was supposed to spend with Kacey, Tyson’s sister, until she decided to ditch and not tell me.

I had met Kacey a while ago through school and we immediately became best friends. And, because of her close relationship with Tyson, the three of us were always together. But, tonight, I wanted to see Kacey because I was 100% sure she was the only person that would know what to do in the situation I was currently in.

“I’m fine, Tyson. I just need a drink.”

“Okay,” He sighed. “Can you have fun tonight? You need it.”

“How sweet of you,” I glared at him. “Yes, as soon as I drink something.”

We went inside, and when Tyson went to rejoin his teammates, I beelined straight for the kitchen where the drinks were. As I was looking through the selection, one of Tyson’s teammates appeared. I recognized him as Gabe, the captain of the team. 

I have had very little contact with the captain of the Colorado Avalanche, other than the one time Tyson introduced us at a party. Since then, we never really crossed paths, even though I had built a friendship with EJ, someone he was also close with.

“Hey, Y/N,” Gabe smiled. I furrowed my eyebrows, surprised he even remembered my name. I recovered quickly, smiling politely,

“Hi, Gabe.”

“Why did you make that face?” He laughed. “Is there something wrong?

“No.”

“So,...?” He trailed off, still smiling.

“I didn’t think you remembered my name.”

“Well, I remember,” He responded, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “Is Kacey here?”

“No,” I sighed. “Which is great.”

“I’m sure you’re still gonna have fun,” He said, leaning on the counter. “Tyson would probably lose his mind if you didn’t.”

“Yeah, he would,” I laughed. “The perks of being frie-”

“-Landy! The game’s starting, let’s go!” EJ exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. “Y/N, nice of you to show your face for once.”

“You’re welcome,” I grinned at him. 

He rolled his eyes, “Whatever. We’re gonna do shots later so you better not leave.” He warned me.

“I’ll see you later, Y/N,” Gabe emphasized my name, making me roll my eyes, suppressing the blush that was creeping up my neck.

****

After failing to find any quiet inside of Tyson’s house, I settled for finally making my way to the backyard, sitting on the steps. I really wish Kacey showed up tonight. I sighed, looking up into at the sky that was littered with stars. 

A few minutes alone with my thoughts and fears was enough to force tears to cloud my eyes. As I wiped them, I heard the door open behind me. It closed moments later and I felt someone take the place next to me. Wholly expecting it to be Tyson, I continued holding my head up with my hands.

“It’s crazy how uncontrolled drunk hockey players are.”

I froze, immediately knowing that the voice did not belong to Tyson. Or EJ, for that matter. I picked my head up slowly, locking eyes with Gabe. For the second time in one night.

“Yeah, you guys get pretty wild,” I commented, looking back up at the sky.

“Are you doing okay?” He asked, and I could feel his stare in the side of my face.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I responded.

“I know we’re not close but I know that look,” He said, smiling softly. “Are you sure you’re good?”

“Like you said, we’re not close. I’m not gonna bore you and you don’t have to act like you care.”

“I do care, though,” He said. “And, it’s wouldn’t bore me. This party is boring me.”

I laughed lightly, shaking my head. “Welcome to the club.”

We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke again. “I had a really tough day and I just wanted to see Kacey because I feel like she’s the only person that would know how to hold me together right now. But, even if she was here, I still have no idea what to say.”

“Why do you need to be held together?” He asked, his voice soft. 

“You can’t mention this to anyone, especially Tyson,” I said, turning to him.

“I won’t.”

“I don’t even know why I’m about to tell you this,” I breathed.

“Look, we don’t really know each other, you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone what you’re gonna say. You can just get off your chest, here with me, have fun tonight and talk to Kacey tomorrow. You’ll feel better.”

“Are you sure you won’t tell anyone?”

“Y/N, I promise you that it will stay between us. You have my word,” He smiled, reaching over and squeezing my hand. 

“It’s personal,” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. He nodded. “I found this lump, on my, you know.” I gestured towards my chest area.

“Are you serious?” His face dropped.

“Not the best reaction, captain.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, you’re right,” He moved closer to me. “Keep going.”

“I was showering and I feel like everything just froze. I didn’t know what to do. So, I googled, which was probably the worse decision. Everything on the internet makes you think you’re gonna die.”

“Anyone would have told you that the internet is the last place to look for anything like that,” He smiled.

“I had my appointment this morning and I got a mammogram done,” I said. “And, I’m really fucking scared of the results.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“Nope, just you,” I looked down. “Sorry, I know you probably expected something a little less serious.”

“Hey, I asked and I wanted to know,” He assured me. “But, look, you’re what, 27, right?”

“26.”

“Even better. You’re young, Y/N, and you don’t know for sure. It could be nothing.”

“Or, it could be cancer.”

“Look at me,” He said. His hand found mine again, squeezing gently. “Don’t think of the worse, I know it’s hard. But, come on, last I heard, all the guys are scared of you. Even if it is something, which we don’t know for sure, I’m positive it’s no match for you.”

“Thank you,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. Gabe smiled, pulling me into him, hugging me tightly. “I guess we’re no longer acquaintances anymore.”

“Yeah, that was a real turn in our relationship, without a doubt,” He laughed, his chest rumbling against mine.

After the party had ended, I made my way home. I did see Gabe again while taking shots with EJ. When I saw him, I thought I was going to regret telling him everything, since he is a stranger. But, I knew for some reason that I could trust him. Probably because Tyson trusts him so much. 

Once I got home, I saw a text from Kacey.

‘Hey, there’s some really crazy shit going on with the fam, sorry I couldn't make it tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot right now.’

‘Dude, do not worry about it. Everything okay? You wanna hang or space? I’m here for you.’

‘I definitely want to talk to only you, but I’m heading home like now so I won’t see you for at least a couple of weeks.’

‘Facetime me WHENEVER’

‘i will, how was the party?’

‘spent some time with gabe actually.’

‘don’t even text me the details, it has to be over facetime tomorrow, WTF GABE!? did y’all kiss?’

‘bye Kacey lmao we did not.’

November 2019

Two days after the party, I got a text from an unknown number.

‘Hey, it’s Gabe. How are you feeling?’

‘Hi, I’m fine. How did you get my number?’

‘I’m pretty sure we were in the same group chat once and I saved it. Just to know who was talking in the chat.’

‘Sneaky.’

We texted every day for at least a week, just getting to know each other. He was actually a really funny guy and we got along really well. There was never a dull moment in our conversation and I found myself waiting around for texts from him. And, I knew I was developing a crush but I was positive he was responding just out of pity for me after what I told him at Tyson’s party.

Speaking of, I was getting ready for my follow-up appointment, practically pacing around my room as I got dressed.

'What time is your appt again?’ Gabe texted me.

‘Soon, I’m getting ready now.’

‘Kacey and Tys are going right?’

‘No, they're dealing with family stuff right now. I’m going alone.’

‘You’re lying..’

‘No, and you’re distracting me from getting ready.’ Before I could set my phone down, Gabe’s name flashed across my screen. I contemplating not answering, not only because I knew why he was calling, but also because we had never spoken on the phone before. All of our communication has been through text.

I answered, holding the phone up to my ear. “Yes, Gabriel?”

“I’m just calling because I know what you’re gonna say if I text this to you so I wanted you to know for sure. I’m coming to get you and you’re not going to your appointment alone.”

“Gabe,” I sighed. “That’s really sweet of you but we basically just met a week ago, there’s no reason for you to take time out of your life for me.”

“For the last time, we’re friends, and that’s not gonna change at this point. I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m not going to let you go alone, Y/N,” His voice softened at the end and I paused.

“I’ll text you my address,” I mumbled, deciding that it wouldn’t be bad to have Gabe there. He knew exactly what to say at Tyson’s party, who’s to say he won’t do that at the hospital?

Once we ended the call, I finished getting ready, continuing to pace in my living room as I waited for Gabe. I grabbed an apple to try to distract myself but lost my appetite after the first bite. Luckily, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, seeing a smiling Gabe.

“Hey,” He said.

“Hi, I’m giving you another chance to back out, no hard feelings at all.”

“Shut up,” He rolled his eyes, pulling me into his chest and hugging me tightly. I oddly felt safe in his arms, hugging him back. “You ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be.” 

****

“Y/N Y/L/N?” The nurse appeared from behind the door. My breath hitched in my throat and Gabe paused in his sentence about Tyson’s locker room antics.

Gabe eyed me before holding his finger up to the nurse. He looked back at me, “Hey, you’re gonna be fine. I’ll be right out here.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, staring at him for a second before looking down. “Yeah.”

“Unless you want me to come in with you?” He asked. I blushed slightly, remembering that we had just gotten close a week ago and there is no reason for him to be in the room. But, I still feel like I might fall apart without someone in there. In all honesty, I think I would have fallen apart already if it hadn’t been for him.

“Oh, um, no, that’s okay. You can wait out here,” I stood up. Before I could move, Gabe stood up as well, looking down at me.

He grabbed my hand, eyes moving over my face. “Y/N, if you want me to come in with you, I absolutely will. You don’t have to go in alone, I mean it.”

“Would you?” I mumbled.

He nodded, smiling slightly before wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me towards the nurse. As the nurse took my vitals, Gabe stood off to the side, periodically smiling at me. I couldn't help the butterflies that were flowing around my stomach as he kept his full attention on me.

Once the nurse was done and we were left alone in the room, Gabe spoke up. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m nervous but I just want to know at this point. I’m exhausted from thinking about it.”

He smiled in response but before he could respond, the door opened again and my doctor appeared.

“Y/N, nice to see you again,” She smiled brightly.

“Hi, doctor. It’s nice to see you, too,” I responded. “This is my friend, Gabe.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You as well.”

“Okay, I figured we should just get right to it. I’m sure this has been on your mind a lot.”

“I’m kind of scared,” I said, my eyes darting to Gabe. He smiled comfortingly at me, squeezing my leg. Holy shit, his hand is on my leg.

“Yeah, I think I’ve never experienced this much anxiety.”

“I’m sorry about that,” She nodded. “But, I do have really good news.”

“Are you serious?”

She smiled, “Yes, the lump is not cancerous at all. You are 100% in the clear.”

“I expected the absolute worse,” I mumbled.

“Most people do,” She laughed. “But, I am going to give you a referral to a dermatologist that can help.”

“Okay, that sounds good.” I nodded. She made up the referral before leaving the room.

“What did I tell you?” Gabe smiled.

“I almost peed myself, I swear.”

He laughed, hugging me tightly. “I didn’t doubt it.”

March 2020

It had been months since my cancer scare and I was back to work. Kacey and Tyson were back and I had told them everything. Kacey freaked but was happy that Gabe was there for me. 

In fact, they were both so happy that Gabe and I became close that they made it their mission to put us together in various situations. Inviting me to a gala where I would have to dress up and see Gabe, check. Split up carpools so Gabe and I were alone, check. Make Gabe and I partners in beer pong, check. Make Gabe and I sit together at team parties, check times 300000.

And now, it’s at the point where I can’t continue to be friends with Gabe. 

“I’m falling for him.”

Tyson paused, smirking. “I knew it.”

“Tyson, it’s starting to physically hurt to just be his friend,” I admitted. “This isn’t cute anymore, it’s a little too real.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“What should I do?” I responded.

“Just tell him,” He shrugged.

“No way.”

“Why not? If you tell him, you get it off your chest. If he doesn’t feel the same way, which you and I both know is not true, at least you won’t feel like your feelings are invisible because you told him and he’s not like that.”

****

Taking what Tyson said, the next day I was standing in front of Gabe’s door. I thought about turning around but Tyson's voice continued to ring in my ears. I knocked three times, breathing after. There’s no turning back now.

The door opened, “Hey!” He smiled widely, “What are you doing here?”

He pulled me into a hug before I could respond. I prayed that he couldn’t feel the thud of my heart in my chest. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” He said, pulling away and looking down at me. “Come in.”

I walked past him into his house, turning back around.

“Do you want to sit? You’re making me nervous.”

“Yeah.” We sat down in his kitchen, him staring intently at me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I smiled. “I just wanted to tell you something that I haven’t really been able to get out of my head. You being there for me when I had that scare meant the world to me. For you to just be there during one of the worst times of my life, I can’t even explain how that makes me feel. You’re one of my closet friends and I know that I made jokes a lot about how you didn’t have to worry about me after I got the results, but I knew we would be really good friends by how easily I told you something that was struggling to even tell Kacey.”

He smiled widely, “I’m honored.”

“Ever since then, we’ve just gotten closer and I really do appreciate you and who you are. But, Gabe, this is really not just platonic for me anymore, and I’d rather tell you so that you know.”

He paused for a moment, clearing his throat. “First of all, you know how much you mean to me and you’re one of my best friends. It means a lot to me that you’re telling me this and how you’re feeling. But, Y/N, I am kind of seeing someone, tonight actually.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” I smiled, even though I felt like I had just been punched in the chest for the 100th time. “I just wanted to get it off my chest.”

“Hold on, Y/N, it’s just that I-”

“-No, seriously, it’s okay. I feel like I made things weird. I should go,” I mumbled.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Gabe said, reaching out to grab my hand as I stood up. “Let me finish.”

“No, it’s fine, really. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He looked at me, “Y/N.”

“Gabe, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”

He sighed, “Can you call me when you’re ready to talk? And listen?”

I nodded.

April 2020

“Gabe?” I asked, opening my front door. “What are you doing here?”

“When I said I was seeing someone, I meant I had a few dates with this girl EJ introduced me to. I was getting ready to go out with her that night.”

“Gabe, it’s re-”

He cut me off by pushing his way into my home. I closed the door behind him, sighing. “I stopped by her place after you left and told her I couldn't go out with her anymore.”

“What?”

“I met her before we ever really talked and she’s nice but we’d been on at least 5 dates and I still didn’t want to kiss her or anything.”

“You don’t need to explain anything to me,” I mumbled.

“Yes, I do,” He responded. “When we talked at the party, I knew that there was something between us. But I was overthinking so I kept seeing her. I thought you were too good for me. And, I felt like you were going through real shit and I just wanted to be there for you and not push anything.”

“Me? Too good for you?” I scoffed. “Gabriel, you went to a doctor’s appointment to find out if someone you barely knew had breast cancer. You sat in the room!”

“And, I would do anything for you,” He mumbled, stepping closer to me. “This is more than just platonic for me, too, and I would have told you that if you would have called me like you said you would.”

“I thought I embarrassed myself,” I blushed.

“You didn’t,” He smiled. 

“I’m sorry.”

He stepped closer to me, pulling me into his chest and hugging me tightly. “Since when could you not just tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Since I was positive you didn’t feel the same way.”

He laughed, pulling back slightly so that he could look down at me. “Well, you were wrong.”

He grabbed my face, leaning down to press his lips to mine. I smiled against him.

“I want to take you out, on a real date,” He mumbled against my lips. 

“I’d like that,” I kissed him again, right before my front door swung open.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” I groaned and Gabe laughed, looking over at his teammate.

“I told you we should have knocked!” Kacey said, following Tyson, who was smirking at Gabe and I.

“Hey, I knew this was coming, I’m not surprised,” He laughed, walking in and making his way into the kitchen. “No pressure, but you guys do look good together and I take full credit.”

“Carry on, we’re just gonna start up in the kitchen,” Kacey smiled sheepishly.

“Start what?” Gabe asked.

“A forced movie night because apparently, I’ve been neglecting them,” I responded. “You should join.”

“I wouldn’t want to get in between your odd trio thing,” He teased. I shoved him lightly. 

“Don’t be rude.”

“I’ll stay,” He smiled. He kissed me again, his arm wrapping around my waist to pull me closer to him. “As long as I get to keep kissing you.”

[marvelous-writer]

Pumpkin Donuts & Freak Accidents

Summary: In which Peter saves Morgan from almost drowning in the lake at the cabin. 

Whumptober Day 6: Water

Word Count: 2,059

Genre: whump, emotional hurt/comfort, light angst

Link to read on AO3

A/N: Part 6 of @whumptober2020

Peter steps out on the front porch of the Stark’s cabin with a tray of five mugs full of freshly brewed coffee. He smiles to himself as he inhales the crisp autumn air, the faintest hint of a bonfire from somewhere in the distance, as well as the remaining pumpkin spice donuts they had after lunch. 

“Thanks, Pete,” Tony says with a warm, grateful smile as Peter puts the tray down on the wicker coffee table in the middle of everyone. 

“Sure,” Peter smiles back as he squeezes himself in between him and Happy, who is currently in a bit of a heated debate with Clint and Steve over last Sunday’s football game. 

Tony wraps an arm around Peter’s shoulders, an amused grin pulling at his lips as he listens in on the conversation taking place next to them. 

“Okay, let’s settle this then, shall we? Tony—Pats or the Bucs?” Clint asks, turning to them. 

Tony raises his eyebrows and blows out a breath. “That’s a tough one. I don’t know… I think it’s gonna be hard for the Pats this year without Brady.” 

“Yeah, and the Bucs also have Gronk now.” Clint points out. 

Steve sighs, shaking his head. “I still can’t believe Brady’s not a Pat anymore. I mean, I get why he left but… I don’t know. I’m still rooting for the Patriots, though. They have some pretty good players this year.” 

“Yeah, but they don’t have the GOAT.” Happy adds in.

Steve heaves out another sigh, his disappointment evident by the way his shoulders drop. “True.” 

They continue their debate, but Peter chooses to tune them out, wanting to just relax and enjoy the moment. It’s a bit of a rarity the Avengers could all have a nice lunch together and not get called away for any emergencies that needed their attention. 

Peter brings his mug up to his lips, tasting the eggnog he’d added in for himself since he can’t stand the taste of coffee on its own—plus it's the perfect beverage for a fall day like today. 

A light breeze blows past them, sending a shiver through Peter, feeling the coldness, despite the thick flannel he has on. 

“Cold?” Tony asks gently. 

“A little.” 

“Want me to get you a blanket?” Tony offers. 

Peter shakes his head with a small smile. “No, I can get it.”

As soon as he stands up, Peter freezes when his spider-sense hums warningly at the back of his neck. His eyes sweep over the front lawn that’s covered in a mixture of red, yellow, and orange leaves… but there aren't any signs of danger. 

Where’s Morgan? Peter wonders, frowning as something twists in his stomach. 

He walks to the end of the porch that overlooks the lake and looks out, only seeing Gerald grazing by his shed a few feet from the house. Again, nothing seems out of the ordinary or threatening in any way, but his spider-sense continues to persistently tingle at the back of his neck. 

When he scans over the dock, something catches his eyes. Peter squints, brows pulling together as he zones in on the speck out in the water. 

That’s when he sees it—the all-too-familiar pink coat, standing out against the dark blue water. 

“MORGAN!” Peter yells, eyes widening in realization as fear shoots through him. 

Instead of wasting time in taking the stairs, Peter swings his legs up and over the porch railing, landing heavily on the ground before he springs up and takes off at full-speed towards the dock. 

From here, he can see that Morgan is struggling to stay above the water, her arms flailing above her head. She doesn’t know how to swim on her own yet, so Tony and Pepper have always made her wear her little arm floaties or a life vest when they go swimming in the summer. 

Peter can feel his heart pounding away in his chest as his feet hit the ground, the cold air hitting him in the face as he nears closer to the dock, hearing running footsteps and yelling behind him but he doesn’t look back. He rips off his flannel and tosses it away, feeling his feet hit the wooden boards of the dock. 

Morgan is a couple of feet away from the dock—how she got out there is a mystery. 

The moment she disappears under the water, Peter jumps off the end of the dock without thinking twice, diving in after her. 

Peter’s body freezes up from the shock of how frigid the water is, but he fights against it, forcing his arms to move as his eyes desperately scan the darkness around him. 

Come on… please, please, please. Not Morgan… please not Morgan. He mentally begs. 

If something happens to her… Peter will never forgive himself for it. He should have been paying more attention to her when she was playing out in the yard while he was sitting with Tony and the team. 

Peter’s swimming downwards as fast as his arms and legs can take him, and that’s when he sees Morgan. Her usually happy brows eyes are now wide and fearful as she sinks further, her arms and legs kicking in a desperate attempt to keep herself up. 

Peter reaches a hand out to her, grasping her little hand in his. He pulls Morgan towards him and wraps an arm around her before he twists, kicks his feet as hard as he can, propelling them up. 

When they breach the surface, Peter gasps for air, only to swallow a mouthful of water that causes him to break out into a violent coughing fit. Through wet eyelashes, he can see Tony and Steve standing at the dock’s edge and he swims to them, holding a gasping and crying Morgan above the water. 

“I-I got y-you M,” Peter stutters out around a harsh cough.

When they finally reach the dock, Peter lifts Morgan above his head, handing her to Tony. Morgan desperately clings to her dad as she sobs, tucking her head in between his neck and shoulder. 

Now that she’s safe, Peter feels the panic dissipate. He feels like all the energy has been sucked right out of him. His legs stop moving under the water, but a pair of hands are on him before he goes under again. He looks up, seeing that it’s Steve. 

“I’ve got you, Pete,” Steve says as he lifts him out of the water, helping Peter lie down on the dock as he violently coughs, bringing up the mouthful of water he swallowed.

Peter lets out a gasp that comes out more of a wheeze, feeling his chest seize up painfully as a horrible shiver wracks through him, causing his teeth to chatter. 

He’s so tired. 

Peter slowly blinks up at Steve’s concerned face as Happy’s worried one comes into view. His mouth is moving, but Peter can’t hear what he’s saying over his heartbeat pounding away in his ears. 

The last thing Peter feels is someone lifting him and a pair of warm arms wrapping around him before he blacks out.

…

The first thing Peter registers when consciousness comes back to him is how wonderfully warm he feels. He slowly blinks his heavy eyelids open, finding that he’s wrapped up in blankets, lying on the couch. 

He frowns as he closes his eyes once more, discovering how sore he is as he rolls on his back with a groan. 

“Well look who’s up,” A voice says softly next to him. 

Peter opens his eyes, only to meet Tony’s concerned ones above him. 

Tony offers him a small smile as he brushes a stray curl off of Peter’s forehead. “How’re you feeling, kiddo?”

“M’kay…” Peter mumbles, closing his eyes. 

That’s when the memories of the lake and Morgan almost drowning come back to him all at once. 

Peter’s eyes snap open as he shoots up into a sitting position, realizing that he’d been using Tony’s lap as a pillow. “M-Morgan! W-Where—I-Is she okay?” 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa—take it easy, Pete. She’s okay, thanks to you. Pepper’s with her upstairs.” Tony reassures him as he braces his hands on Peter’s shoulders, keeping him sitting. 

Peter blinks at him in disbelief. “S-She is?” 

“She is. She’s safe, Pete. You saved her… if you hadn’t gotten there so fast…” Tony trails off, closing his eyes with a shake of his head. 

Morgan would have died. Peter thinks to himself, chest tightening as tears spring to his eyes at the thought. 

Peter swallows hard around the growing lump in his throat. “Tony… I-I’m… I’m so sorry. I-I wasn’t paying attention to her a-and she must have fallen in the water-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Tony rushes out, placing a hand on his shoulder as he locks eyes with Peter’s. “What happened today isn’t your fault, Peter. I’m the one at fault here—it’s my job to watch out for the two of you, and I failed in doing that today.” 

Peter silently looks down, brows pulling together as a few tears slide down his cheeks. 

“Awe, bud,” Tony says softly as he pulls Peter in for a hug, rubbing a hand up and down his back as a sob escapes from Peter. “It’s alright… I’ve got you.” 

Peter buries his head against Tony’s chest, trying to push away the horrifying images of Morgan underwater with her wide, fearful eyes. 

It feels like forever before his tears stop, leaving Peter drained as he slumps against Tony, who’s still running an arm up and down his back. 

“How about we go upstairs and pay, little miss a visit?” Tony suggests. 

Peter nods against Tony’s chest and pulls back, sniffing wetly, wiping his nose with his sweatshirt sleeve. Tony offers him a warm, reassuring smile before helping Peter up from the couch, wrapping him up in a blanket. 

They both make their way upstairs, Tony keeping a steadying arm around Peter as they go, which Peter is grateful for with how shaky he feels. 

Stopping at the threshold of Tony and Pepper’s room, Peter can see Pepper sitting on the bed with Morgan, who’s sound asleep on Pepper, wrapped up in her favorite fuzzy bear bathrobe with little round ears on the hood. 

Pepper looks up, smiling softly at Peter. “How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” Peter answers, stepping in the room, worriedly eyeing Morgan’s sleeping form. “H-How is she?” 

Pepper looks down at Morgan, brushing a strand away from her little face. “A bit shaken up, but she’s going to be alright, thanks to you,” She says, meeting his eyes with a grateful smile. “Bruce doesn’t even think she’ll catch a cold.” 

Peter lets out a relieved breath as he smiles, sitting on the bed next to Pepper, who pulls him closer. They all sit in silence for a few long seconds. 

“Peter, what you did today was so brave. I know that you face dangerous situations all the time… but it’s scary when it's family.” Pepper says, breaking the silence. 

Peter silently nods, swallowing hard. He knows what that’s like that all too well. First with Ben, and then in London when Beck threatened and tried to kill his friends. But this time, there weren’t any bad guys to fight. It was a freak accident that could have ended very badly today. 

“We’re just glad you both are safe,” Pepper says. 

Tony hums in agreement from his spot on the edge of the bed at Peter’s feet. After they’re silent for a moment, Tony heaves out a sigh. “You know what this calls for… a nice calming movie with a cup of hot chocolate.” 

“With marshmallows?” Peter asks with a tired smile, his head resting on Pepper’s shoulder. 

“Whatever you want, bud,” Tony says with a soft smile.

That’s how Peter finds himself snuggled up on the couch under a blanket thirty minutes later with Morgan snuggled up against his side on the chaise, while Tony and Pepper sit together. They chose to watch Tangled, one of Morgan’s favorites. 

They’re about half-way into the movie now, and Peter’s already starting to doze off. Sleep pulls at him as his eyes get heavy, struggling to keep them open any longer. 

Peter drifts off to sleep, feeling safe and warm, surrounded by his family, beyond grateful that they’re all here together, safe and sound.

[ddiscodeaky]

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗱 - 𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙣 𝙢𝙖𝙮

prompt: reader makes a living by being a lounge singer at her local bar. every saturday night, she finds a single rose left behind for her after every performance. she doesn’t have the slightest clue it’s the new waitstaff that she’s found a liking in, as she gets to the bottom of the mysterious action.

pairing: brian may x fem! reader

warnings: none

note: idk if this is good at all but it was fun to write. hope you guys enjoy!

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It started on one Saturday evening, after (Y/N) had finished yet another show, this time singing one of her favorite classics, At Last by Etta James. Again, leaving the small bar with cheers here and there, noticing she was only receiving praise from a quarter of the bar. Nothing she wasn’t already faced with, surprised she had received this much positive feedback.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A single rose. Left on her vanity, no note attached to it, no one claiming that it was theirs. She thought maybe someone must have mistakenly put it there on accident or maybe just a kind gesture for her performance. So, she decided to keep it.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

At first, she never really looked into it, it was just a simple rose after all.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But that was when she would be left with even another rose, the next night after another performance, when she was going to her vanity to call it a night and head home. It wasn’t the same rose as the night before because she had already taken it with her. She even bothered to ask one of the waitstaff if they had a clue of who it belonged to, but they would simply shrug their shoulders leaving (Y/N) wondering.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

After every show, there’d be one rose lying on her dresser, and she took it as a token of an appreciation. Taking it home, and placing it in the same vase with all the other roses. Perhaps, it was someone playing games on her but that wouldn’t make sense. She’d just have to see for herself.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

(Y/N) had a built-in passion for singing, she saw it as an outlet to her emotions, and a quick getaway from reality. So, on an open mic night at her local bar, she started to sing in front of everyone, in front of her friends, and in general an audience. Until, she resorted to singing their every Saturday night when she was confronted by the manager pleased with her talent. She didn’t make a lot but still, she loved the job with every being, overall it was the singing that got to her.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

On rare occasions, she would stay after shows and get herself a drink, resulting to a conversation with the bartender. This night in particular she was convinced to stay, since the owner of the bar had offered her a drink in order to celebrate her latest performance. There she was drink in hand, watching the bartender clean up for the night, a few friendly smiles here and there.

“Decided to stay?”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She recognized the voice instantly, facing Brian, who she was lucky enough to have as a companion due to his late shifts. She was hardly friends with anyone at the bar since she’d always resist on staying after her performances. She blamed her tiredness, but those roses had been keeping her up and she was curious enough to figure out who was all behind this.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Brian was tall from where she was sitting, having to slightly look up to get a view of him. He had a rag that laid on his broad shoulder, whilst a faint smile playing on his lips.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She nodded, her droopy eyes crinkling to a soft smile. “Yeah, actually. Just finishing up this drink so I can head home and get some rest.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Ah, right.” He spoke, pursing his lips. He caught a sight of the red flower laying beside her on the pub table, trying to hold back his smile. “That was quite a performance tonight.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“I’m hoping you meant it in a good way.” She teased, raising the glass to take another sip from her drink.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He chuckled. “Oh, of course. Always.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A warm flush crept up on her cheeks, as their eyes locked. There was a glimmer in his hazel eyes she couldn’t get ahold of, like he had an idea in his mind that she had no knowledge of but she was only dying to find out. She brushed it off, her curiosity growing in her. He caught himself staring again, infatuated by her pure beauty even if she was simply just sitting on a stool, sipping her drink. On stage though, he was completely mesmerized. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She disappointedly diverted her gaze towards the bar table, breaking their fondly stare towards each other. “Well, that’s the first.”

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He furrowed his brows at her statement. “You know it yourself you don’t get enough recognition around here. I’m telling the truth when I say this but, everyone should realize how much talent you have.”

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She breathed out a frustrating sigh, knowing all to well that the reason she didn’t want to stay after her performances were because she didn’t want to accept the fact no one actually cared she was pouring all her heart and soul into the songs she sang.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She was merely just entertainment for everyone and nothing more. Maybe that was why the flower had meant so much to her. There was someone who appreciated her, singing up on stage, probably making a fool out of herself because the people in the crowd were only focused on their infatuation on the drinks and the girls sprawled out amongst the crowd, the guys dismissing her passion hoping they could get their hands on them. It really showed.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Alright, maybe. I love this job more than anything. I practically spend my Saturday nights here singing in front of everyone.” Her eyes flickered towards his, a sense of understanding in him as he nodded.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Sooner or later they’ll open their eyes and finally see what they’ve been missing this whole time.” He replied, the corners of his mouth lifting causing (Y/N) to do the same.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“You really think so?” She smiled genuinely, appreciating his remark. He had always come up to right after her performances, being the first one to be there for her to give her praise. It warmed her heart when she got to know him, their small conversations leading to passions of music and artists, making it aware that they had a lot more in common. If Bowie came out with a new hit, he’d be the first she’d fangirl with.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“I think so. And whoever gave you that rose must think so too.” He suggested, pursing his lips as he raised his brows in certainty.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She lightly chuckled, letting her eyes trail down to the flower on the table. She held it in her hands, examining it. “Funny how you say that, someone has been leaving a rose after one of my shows. It’s quite reassuring seeing these, right after I sing. Feels nice.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

A genuine smile adorned his lips as his features turned upward, he felt a sense of satisfaction in him when she said it. That was his whole purpose, shining a light on her hoping she’d realize how much appreciation she deserved. He hoped when she’d find out it was him, she’d maybe feel the same way as well. Nonetheless, he believed she’ll get on the hints he had dropped sooner or later.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He nodded, pausing for a short moment. “That’s actually what’s been going on with me too.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“What is?”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Well, me and my band. We want to make it in, you know. The industry, possibly getting the album we made to hit the charts, just hoping people will like the music.” Brian explained.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She raised her eyebrows, after it hit her. “Brian in a band? You never told me that before.” A playful smirk appeared on her lips. “Glad I know now.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He deeply chuckled, tilting his head. “Never got the chance to.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“And you’re the guitarist, I suppose?”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He gave her a puzzled look, a corner of his mouth rose. “Yes, and how did you find out?”

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She casually shrugged, laughing. “I figured, since you’d always talk about wanting to learn a new song on the guitar every time Hendrix came out with one.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He hummed, his smile widening. “Good guess. You should come to one of our shows, actually. There’s one tomorrow night, and I’m hoping you’ll be there.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Happy you even asked.” She beamed. “I’ll be there.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Perfect.” He couldn’t suppress his smile in excitement, afraid he made his feelings a bit too obvious. “Great, I’ll see you there.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀ 。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°

“Brian, please. Can you explain why you’ve been so jittery this whole time?” John questioned through his furrowed eyebrows, setting down his bass guitar. “It’s rubbing off against me and I’m just dying to find out what’s gotten you all like this.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Brian shook his head innocently, shaking his hands in attempt to loosen himself up. “Nothing, just tense from the show.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The boys had finished another gig, and to Brian it wasn’t just any other show. He found it meaningful (Y/N) was going to be there, and he wanted it to be an opportunity to reveal himself to her, that he had been behind all the roses. He was just unsure if she’d react the way he wanted to. He just didn’t want all the boys to give him crap about it. The butterflies in his stomach didn’t help either.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Uh huh, tense. From what?” His hands were placed on his hips in an interrogative manner.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“My buddy’s never been this nervous for a show. Come on, you got some explaining to do.” Roger blurted out from across the room, he was laid out on the couch, nuzzling his cheek into a girl’s chest, allowing Brian to emit a faint scowl.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“I swear there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t get why you’re all up in my case for it.” He casually remarked, his heart rate quickening.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Oh Brian, you know we’re not buying that.”John quipped, shaking his head as he relaxed onto the couch. His arms crossing over the other. Brian began pacing back and forth, in order to suppress his nerves. The mere silence in the room, causing him to spill.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Fine, there’s someone here I’m sort of—”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Knew it.” Roger interrupted his voice laced with confidence, as he chuckled. “That’s why you have that rose, isn’t it? How Prince Charming of you.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Brian halted his steps, weary eyes glancing over to the rose that was on top of his guitar case. He chuckled, rolling his eyes. “I suppose.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He made his way over towards it, grasping onto it in his hands. The sound of Freddie’s voice had caused his limbs to go limp, almost dropping the flower.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Someone’s here to see you, Brian.” Freddie perked, rushing past him as he patted his shoulder. “She’s delighted to see you, so you better go.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

(Y/N) was already standing in the doorway of their dressing room, mouth agape as her eyes landed on the rose in his hands. Brian was frozen in place, not being able to distinct the features displayed on her face.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“So, you’re the secret admirer?” They exited the room, as she asked in disbelief. She seemed rather shocked, but all the pieces were tying all together. It made sense, and she wasn’t upset about it one bit.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“(Y/N)..I’m—yeah. I’m that mysterious lad who’s been leaving these for you. I don’t know if you’re disappointed or—”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Disappointed? How could I be disappointed?” She softly questioned, leaning closer towards him.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

He breathed out a sigh, his tense muscles relaxing. “Well, I wasn’t exactly sure if you felt the same way. And believe it or not, I thought you’d find the roses a little odd, cheesy even.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

She shook her head. “At first, I did find them a bit condescending but after a while, I didn’t want to look at it that way. I finally saw the message and it helped, a lot more than you think. It’s just, why didn’t I think it was you?”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Here I was thinking I was giving too much away.” He continued, a breathy chuckle leaving his lips.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“Brian, I thought I was the one making it obvious. I’m more than happy to find out it was you.” Her heart fluttered in her chest, glancing at his lips.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“You’re amazing, you know that?” His smiled widened, again fixating his stare on her, captivated by her appearance even if she was in a casual attire, it didn’t matter. “I really meant what I said the other night, if no one comes to think of it. I do, always.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“I believe you.” Her voice close to a whisper, closing the distance between them as he leaned closer into a kiss.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Brian faced the feeling of satisfaction, deepening the kiss he had always desired, aware the roses had done him good like he expected them to be.

[artificialqueens]

God’s envy (Shalaska) - Catrina

A/N: So, these weeks I’ve been depressed as fuck, and for some reason I decided to write this. It’s probably the longest I’ve ever written, 8.6k words of angst for you! It’s mainly inspired by A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil. I really hope you like it, because I swear I put my life in this. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ANY FEEDBACK IS WELL RECEIVED! And keeps my brain moving.

Summary: One night, Sharon tries speaking to god, just like Alaska has done so many times.

Trigger warnings: death, chronic illness, drugs (kind of).

The midnight sky started being a home for Sharon a couple of months ago. It’s quiet, bright and she can only stare at it and wonder why has her life taken the way it did. Of course, she knows the sky will never answer, but trying is everything she can do.

She sighs and closes the little cigarette box on the bench, squeezing it between her fingers for a second just to admire how the thin paperboard wrinkles under her strength before pulling it back into her purse. Once the cylinder between her lips is lit up, she pulls the lighter into her pocket and blows a cloud of smoke slowly out.

“God” she snorts, looking up one more time. The word went out her lips with a mocking tone. “I’ve never believed in you. Why would I? Even if I did, I’m sure you would never believe in me…”

Everything she can hear as a response is the sound of wind moving the leaves on the trees.

“Only a person believes in me” she says, eyes glued to the few stars visible from her spot. “Her name is Alaska… pretty girl, she does believe in you, maybe you’ve seen her in a church or praying or something like that. You would think someone like her would never be near someone like me, but we’re been dating for nearly four years”

It’s late and Sharon knows she should be heading home, but there she is, speaking to the air in a lost hope that someone that she knows doesn’t exist hears her.

“You know, she always tries to talk to you. I’ve heard her praying with her mother every night and calling you. I honestly never did it, but today seemed like a good chance so I decided to try. And since Alaska is the only great thing in my life I wanted to talk to you about her. I know I don’t worth any second of your precious time, you must have a ton of shit to do…”

Her voice cracking is the signal to take another drag from the cigarette.

“But she does worth it. She’s the best human on earth and she deserves all of your time. I swear to… well, I swear to you, if you saw her eyes, her hair, or just her smile… you would fall in love with her. She’s so beautiful…”

The stars begin to blurry from the tears forming in her eyes, turning into nothing more than white spots slowly moving across her vision.

“But of course you know that. You’re almighty, or so they say. You can see everything” Sharon mutters thoughtfully with another blast of cold air blowing her hair. “Maybe that’s why you want to take her with you to heaven”

Another minute full of dead silence passes until she chokes on a sob, her hand holding the cigarette shaking slightly. “But can’t take her, it’s not her time! Stay away from her!”

The breaking is unavoidable, and before Sharon can say something else, the cigarette has fallen in her hand, burning two of her fingers. She gaps in pain, throwing the cylinder to the ground to mash it into the cement with her boot. She curses, wiping the tears running down her cheeks with the back of the hand that has no bright red marks.

She manages to take her purse and run back to the building a few meters away. The receptionist —who Sharon knows better than she’d like to— turns violently when she sees her state, with swollen eyes and a raised burnt hand, but the girl doesn’t even stare back as she is reaching the elevator in her way to the sixth floor.

Katya is the first person Sharon meets when the doors open. There are dark bags under her eyes and her hair is a mess, which isn’t weird in someone at nearly three a.m.

“Oh my—” the Russian’s eyes widen in shock, her eyes quickly going down to her hand. “What happened to you?”

“None of your damn business” Sharon states, sneaking by her side to the door marked with the number 503.

Their shoulders collide and Katya places a hand in her upper arm, stopping her for a second in which all the muscles in Sharon’s body tense. “I’m going to the cafeteria, do you want something?”

“No” Sharon whispers, relaxing. “Is Alaska awake?”

“She probably is” Katya looks for her eyes, but gives up when Sharon refuses to look back at her. “I’ll go home and take a shower in the morning… you should go too and get some sleep”

“I will” the promise hangs in Sharon’s lips, too easy to get out from her that Katya knows is a lie.

“Sharon?”

“Yeah?”

“The doctor came to the room earlier”

She looks at Katya immediately, her eyes alarmed as a signal for the Russian to keep talking. For the first time in a while her moves are fast and exact, and Katya sighs with regret. She should’ve listened to Trixie and keep Sharon out of the situation.

“What did he say?”

Katya’s mouth is open but there are no words. She recognizes Sharon’s swollen eyes, and her heart feels broken when she decides to let her know.

“He said… hm… it didn’t work”

Sharon can feel the pressure sinking her heart into her lungs, mashing them. Breathing becomes complicated and she can only let out a shaky sigh, her eyes never leaving Katya’s.

“What?”

“Her body…” Katya mutters under her breath. “Is not responding as it should”

This can’t be happening.

“What are they gonna do?” Sharon demands to know in a harsh impulse. Katya shakes her head. “What are they gonna do? Tell me!”

“Is better if you talk to her”

It’s too late when the tears blurry Sharon’s vision again for Katya to say something else.

Her only reaction is to run to the door she has been walking through for the last few months. The air inside smells like alcohol, but not the type she likes, and the white in the walls and in everything she can see is ridiculously bright, and she’s glad the couch next to the door is empty because that means Trixie is not there. She closes the door behind her back and after analyzing her surroundings for a second, she steps closer to the bed.

She admires the nice contrast Alaska’s skin makes with the perfectly clean white sheets even when the lights are off, and the way her hair falls over her shoulders in a gold waterfall. Even the wires and scars in her thin arms look beautiful from Sharon’s eyes. She’s lied on just one side of the bed, and Sharon’s face burns when she tries to swallow a sob, knowing Alaska does that when she asks Sharon to stay the night in the hospital. She would make room for another person in the bed and hug her the rest of the night.

Her eyes are closed and Sharon is glad she’s sleeping because she has no face to look at her now. The shame is stronger than the will to be with her for now, and she sits on the couch just like many times she did before.

However, the noise her purse makes when it falls to the floor makes Alaska open her eyes and while she lifts her head, Sharon curses herself silently.

“Noodles?” she calls, trying to recognize the figure in the darkness of the room.

“Sorry I woke you up” Sharon whispers from her spot. The silence makes the distance disappear, and she knows Alaska listened perfectly.

“What time is it?” asks Alaska, sounding lost and small as she blinks a couple of times to get back on her senses, and Sharon winces with her voice.

“It’s late, you should get back to sleep”

Alaska taps the other side of the bed weakly as an invitation. “Lie down with me”

Sharon would lie if she said she doesn’t wanna run and hide from the world in the warm embrace of Alaska’s hospital bed. Somehow, the fact that the mattress is horribly firm and uncomfortable never crosses her mind as Alaska wraps her arms around her body, and her soft breathing is the perfect lullaby for Sharon. Wherever Alaska is turns into a home for her.

But she can’t ignore the pain anymore. It hurts.

It hurts every time Alaska touches her, because she knows there will be a point where she won’t do it anymore. Sharon knows this will end someday, maybe months or only days in anticipation, and it won’t end as the way she wants. One day Alaska won’t be there to kiss her and hug her and the only thing left will be useless memories in Sharon’s head.

Putting her hopes in the chemicals pulled in Alaska’s body everyday isn’t an option anymore.

Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a water drop falling on the window. And another, and another following another.

“Fuck, it’s raining” she notices, standing up in a jump to close the window and avoid water entering the room. She stays a second looking through it to the street besides the hospital; with the night and rain covering the entire city, it looks like the perfect calm scenario.

“Come here” says Alaska and Sharon suddenly turns around. Her tone makes it difficult to be taken as an order, but her glare crossing Sharon’s body says a lot more. “Please”

Sharon just has to kick her boots off to lie down in the bed and carefully wrap her arms around the fragile body of Alaska in a tight hug. She tries to focus on the girl lying next to her to forbid her mind to wander and think of how much her heart hurts at Alaska’s contact.

She knows is a game Alaska always wins, especially because she has no idea of the negative thoughts flooding Sharon’s mind and she would never let her know about them because she knows Alaska has enough going on with her health and Sharon may be selfish but she isn’t selfish enough to put her necessities above Alaska’s, and the best thing she can do is ignore the pain.

“Noodles” Alaska calls and Sharon immediately feels her hand petting her hair.

“Tell me”

“How was your little walk today?”

“Oh, it was fine”

I cried all the way.

“Did you go home?”

I didn’t, I couldn’t stop thinking that I’ll lose you.

“Yeah, I had a sandwich for dinner and headed back here. The mayo was expired and the bread was hard as a fuck rock but it tasted good”

Please never leave me.

“I’m glad to hear that, baby. I know these days have been hard and after the surgery I needed to know if you were fine”

“Thanks, pumpkin. I’m fine, I promise” Sharon mutters, clearing her throat. “Hm… Katya told me that the doctor came today”

“Oh, yes… he did” Alaska nods uncomfortably.

“And what did he say?”

Alaska’s calm countenance fades slowly and under the weak lights in the room that are provided only from the street, she looks defeated.

“It didn’t work, Noodles”

Sharon can’t remember of a time Alaska has looked defeated. She has always been like a ball full of energy and happiness, smiling and running from side to side, making everyone laugh. And this girl, sighing and looking tired next to her doesn’t look like the cheerful blonde she met years ago in that party, dancing and drinking around. She doesn’t look like Alaska anymore.

“Alaska…”

“The surgery didn’t work. The tumor is still there”

Sharon looks up to her when a drop falls on her cheek. Alaska is biting her lower lip as hard as she can to not let any sob out, and if Sharon’s heart hurt before, she’s sure now it’s completely broken.

“Noodles, I don’t wanna die”

“You’re not gonna die” she shakes her head, trying to convince Alaska, but the truth is that even Sharon isn’t too sure about it. “Baby, listen; you’ll get out of this”

“I can’t stand the pain anymore” Alaska stutters between little sobs. “Is too strong I can’t even get up from my bed… my back hurts and I’m too weak I can’t even open a water bottle”

Sharon can’t do anything else than hug her even tighter.

“I’m scared” she confesses in a whisper before hiding her face in Sharon’s neck, the sobs being muffed by her skin.

Tears run down Sharon’s cheeks and she thinks about how much she hates. She hates the tumor in Alaska’s body, and the fact that it’s sucking the life out of her, leaving nothing more than an empty shell of what Alaska used to be and she definitely hates god because Alaska’s mother always says “god makes things happen for a reason” every day when she insists to pray for her daughter’s health. But her god has never done anything to cure Alaska, and if her mother is right and he does things for a reason, Sharon can’t understand why the fuck he put a tumor in her girlfriend.

“I believe in you, pumpkin. I know you’re in pain, and scared, and you probably want to run away and forget all of this —believe me baby, I want so too— but I know you are more than this. You’re so strong; you can with anything that ever comes to you” Sharon whispers in Alaska’s ear, rubbing slowly her back. “We’ll find a way and you’ll go back home. Home… with me and Cerrone. We’ll go to the park and to the grocery store and to the beach in our old car like we used to do before. I’m here, with you, pumpkin. I will never leave”

Alaska relaxes and her breathing becomes slower and slower until her sobs stop. Even though her face is still buried in Sharon’s neck, she knows she’s asleep as she holds her tight and keeps rubbing her back slowly.

“I love you so much” she says after a while. She doesn’t hope Alaska hears her, but when she looks down, her girlfriend is looking back at her with still watered eyes.

“I love you too… more than anything in this world” Alaska swears.

She turns and moves her head just a little to connect her lips with Sharon’s. The kiss is soft enough for Alaska’s weak lungs not to break, which she’s glad of. She has always loved closing her eyes just to feel how Sharon moves delicately against her face with her fingers lovingly pressing into her waist, her breathing so heavy Alaska can almost feel it.

When the kiss is broken Sharon’s lips slightly separate as she tries to catch her breath with her eyes still shut and Alaska sighs happily, resting her forehead on hers.

“Make me a promise” she says then, Sharon opening her eyes immediately for Alaska to meet her curious glare just two inches away from her.

“A promise?”

“If something happens to me…”

“No, no, no” Sharon cuts her off, knowing exactly what she was going to say. “Nothing is gonna happen to you”

“You can’t know that” Alaska reminds her. She swallows hard, blinking a couple of times to wash the tears already forming in her eyes away. “If something happens to me, I want you to go on”

“Don’t ask me that…”

“God does everything for a reason” Alaska repeats the words of her mother and Sharon closes her eyes, grimacing painfully. “He has something better in store for you if I’m not here”

“Nothing is better than you” she rushes to assure.

“Promise me, Sharon. Promise me you’ll go on without me. Promise me” Alaska struggles with the wires connected to her arm to raise it to Sharon’s face, wiping the tears with her fingers. “I need to know you’re gonna be fine if I… go”

“You can’t die” shaking her head slightly, Sharon leans into her touch. “Don’t give up, not now”

“I won’t. I don’t wanna die, Noodles, but I can’t do anything if those are god’s plans for me; I’ll have to go, no matter how scared I am…” she says, pursing her lips. “And at least I can do it being brave and making sure you’ll continue your life”

Sharon wants to scream.

“I can’t imagine a life without you in it, Alaska. I just can’t. I don’t want a world if you’re not there, I don’t want anything if you’re not fucking there because I need you” she cries in a hiccup. “I don’t wanna to think you’re gonna leave”

“Me neither” Alaska swallows a sob and cups Sharon’s face in her hand, caressing her cheek. “But we know it can happen. I just— I want you to be happy. Please, promise me you would be happy”

Sharon can only find herself to nod slowly. She knows she shouldn’t make promises she can’t keep but her will to please Alaska is bigger than the increasing fear in her being. She wants to mean her promise, no matter how hard it looks to live in a world where she knows Alaska isn’t anymore, but she has to do it. For Alaska.

She would do anything for Alaska, even if that means living without her.

It wouldn’t be the first time after all. Sharon moved from her comfortable apartment in Pittsburgh to the busy city of Los Angeles for Alaska when she wanted to chase a ridiculous and nonrealistic at all dream of being a singer. She adopted a stray cat even when she was afraid of it because Alaska thought it was adorable, standing every time Cerrone bit her when Sharon tried to remove the cat from her spot in the bed. Sharon went to every event in the church near the house of Alaska’s parents just to prove she was good enough for their daughter, wearing conservative white blouses instead of her favorite Marilyn Manson t-shirt.

When she was diagnosed, Sharon drove her to every appointment, always waiting in her car outside the hospital. And when she was told she had to stay there, Sharon packed everything in her suitcase. She left Cerrone with her friend Jinkx and packed a suitcase for herself the same night. She slept in the couch in Alaska’s room, she ate the tasteless food the hospital provided, she didn’t sleep when Alaska couldn’t sleep to make her some company.

She stayed all night up the first surgery, walking from a side to another until some doctor told her Alaska was back in her room. She helped her to cure the scars in her body, at which Alaska felt ashamed before Sharon reminded her how beautiful she was. She wiped the tears away when the doctors told them the surgery didn’t work, that they would try with a new drug.

Sharon held her hair back when she leaned to puke into the toilet for the side effects of the million drugs she received every day. She hand fed her when Alaska was too weak to move, she hugged her tight at night when Alaska woke up from her sleep in tears, yelling she just had a nightmare.

It’s tiring and complicated, but Sharon knows she would do it again and again and a million times more for Alaska.

“Noodles…”

“Yes?”

“I know you don’t believe in this like this, but…” she says in a whisper, almost afraid of letting it out. “I think you’re a miracle”

Sharon kisses her one more time, slow and deep as they always do and she tries as hard as she can to ignore the hole in her chest and remember how Alaska’s lips feel on hers because she doesn’t wanna forget any little detail about her when memories are everything left.

When the kiss is over Alaska rests her head on Sharon’s shoulder, murmuring goodnight. Sharon answers with another goodnight, smaller and almost audible.

Minutes after, in which time she has been staring at the ceiling with her mind blank, she can tell Alaska is already asleep when the only motion in her body is her breathing and Sharon prepares herself to close her eyes and do the same. She feels whole in Alaska’s embrace and relaxed by the soft sound of the rain falling outside to finally fall asleep.

-

“Should we wake her up?”

“She needs the sleep. Let’s wait until the doctors come again”

Sharon groans. The first thing she notices when she tries to open her eyes are the whispers, and the bright light flooding the room, and then the fact that all the muscles in her body hurt. She rolls her body until her back is flat against the sheets and stares at the ceiling, suddenly feeling the weird amount of space on the bed.

Her eyes widen. She gets up so fast there are black dots running across her vision for a moment, in which her hands palpate the place where Alaska’s body should be. Everything there is sheets and more sheets. Sharon’s heartbeats increase in only seconds; where could have Alaska gone if she’s too weak to get up from bed?

“Alaska?” she calls, immediately pushing herself up on her arms to scan the room. “Lasky, where are you?”

No answer.

“Are you in the bathroom?”

Nothing.

Sharon rushes to get out of the bed and run to the bathroom door, tripping on her boots dropped on the floor in the process. She kicks the door open and whines in despair when she realizes it’s empty. She runs outside, to the side of the bed where Alaska was, only to find the wires that used to be connected to her arms left over the nightstand.

Her brain doesn’t work as it should since it still refuses to wake up completely, but Sharon’s eyes cross the door and she knows her last option is there. She runs barefoot outside, fast enough to crash into someone. She holds the door frame to avoid falling and lifts her head; blonde short hair and ridiculously bright clothes is all she sees, and she recognizes the person in front of her immediately.

“Katya?”

“Sharon” she looks surprised. “You’re awake”

“Where is Alaska?” Sharon asks, looking around the hall behind Katya’s shoulders just to make sure Alaska isn’t there. “She didn’t have an appointment planned for this morning, I should have known if she had. Where is she?”

The panic in her tone makes Katya babble incoherently.

“Sharon, you’re awake!” another amused voice sounds before the Russian can think of an answer. She turns around to greet Trixie, holding a cup of coffee with her hair up in a bun.

“Where is Alaska?” she repeats with clear despair seeping from her tone, at which none of her friends respond.

“Come here, let’s sit” Katya suggests, but by the way she takes Sharon’s arm and sink her nails into the flesh, it doesn’t sound like a suggestion.

They sit on one of the couches in the corridor, the blonde couple with Sharon in the middle. Trixie sips on her coffee and Katya plays with her fingers in her lap and Sharon doesn’t know what’s happening, but whatever it is, it’s destroying her nerves completely.

“Where is Alaska?”

Trixie pulls her coffee down and looks at Katya. For a moment they seem to have a silent fight, mothering things to the other to avoid Sharon listening any of them. Then Trixie sighs, holding her middle finger up for Katya to see it before she turns to her restless friend; Sharon looks at the floor with her teeth deeply sunken on her lip, her hands massaging each other roughly in nervousness.

“Sharon” she places a hand in her shoulder delicately to get her attention. “Something happened during the night”

“Something happened to Alaska?” she looks up violently.

“It happened a couple of hours ago but we couldn’t wake you up” Katya steps into the conversation, glancing at Trixie.

“It happened to Alaska? What was it? Wasn’t she feeling good?” there are tons of questions in Sharon’s mind, and even though she’s scared to ask them all, she organizes her thoughts to only ask some of them, knowing none Trixie or Katya would answer otherwise.

Trixie leans to leave her coffee on the floor and takes both of Sharon’s hands, squeezing them between hers affectively. “Shar, listen to me; I need you to calm down and don’t panic”

“Just get to the point!” Sharon snaps at the lack of answers. Her mind is creating the worst possible scenarios, all of them with the same end. “Please, tell me what happened”

“Breathe in and out” Katya says from behind, her hands holding her sides to forbid her from moving. Sharon tries to do what she says, she really does, but the air struggles to go across her lungs and her chest starts aching.

Her body shakes and she feels Katya hugging her tight. Trixie looks from her spot with something in her face that Sharon can swear is pity, and she needs to know why Trixie feels pity for her.

“I’m sorry” her voice breaks as she covers her mouth with the back of her hand, pulling back on the couch. “We never imagined this would happen so soon”

Sharon sighs, letting go the air she didn’t noticed she was holding until now.

And then she realizes it.

That is it; the confirmation to one of those scenarios.

“But… how…”

“Her mom came for the body minutes before you woke up” Katya whispers from behind.

The worst one.

“No…” shaking her head, she stutters. “No. Just— no. This can’t be happening. She has to— she can’t be dead. She can’t!”

When her eyes water and her lungs are squeezed by anxiety and forced to let the little amount of air in them out, she’s amused her body still has some tears to shed. Soon her sobs are muffed by the fabric in Katya’s sweater soon and she has Trixie muttering things in her ear that she can’t even focus on. Her throat is burning from crying so hard and probably not drinking enough water these days, but she still manages to scream in agony.

She cries, she whimpers and sobs until her head aches, and even then she continues. She continues until the tears stop running out of her eyes and her cheeks feel funny for the dry drops on them. She continues until her face is numb from grimacing so hard. She continues until Trixie insists to take her home because they can’t stay in the hospital anymore.

She continues as she goes to Alaska’s room one more time, the last time, carrying the suitcase to pack the few items that belonged to her girlfriend.

“Are you sure you want to do this alone?” Katya asks from the door.

Sharon wants to say no, because her vision is blurry and her legs are shaking and she feels like she could fall to the ground in any moment, but she nods and waves Katya away with her hand instead.

She stares at the room for a while once the Russian closes the door. It seems crazy to think she first entered nine months ago, thinking Alaska would be there only for a few days and then she would go out and be the same ball full of happiness Sharon loved.

Oh, how wrong she was. How helplessly wrong she was.

Walking to the bathroom, she starts taking Alaska’s belongings. Her mind wanders with memories like every time they had dinner on the bed, and every time she ran back home for a new book or magazine for Alaska to read and of course every time they watched a cheesy old movie in the small television hanging on the wall and all those times Alaska insisted for her to go home and sleep in their bed so her back wouldn’t hurt from lying on the couch.

Once her hands are full, Sharon sighs and walks back to the bed. She pulls everything carefully into the suitcase and turns around to go back and check if she took everything when a shiny reflection catches her attention.

Her vision tunnels to a little crucifix on the nightstand that she doesn’t remember seeing before. With no hesitation, she sits on the bed and takes the little object to toy with it.

“Well god, seems like Alaska forgot about your little chain here” she snorts in a mocking tone, her sad countenance making it more like a sigh.

She doesn’t even know what she’s trying to achieve talking to someone that she has never thought was real, but passing the crucifix from one hand to another with the cross hanging between her fingers and admiring the bright golden material to imagine it on its place in Alaska’s neck makes it somehow easier.

“Why did you have to take her?” she whispers. “Why— from all the people in this world? Why my Alaska? She is mine! She is supposed to be here with me, she is supposed to be a singer— why the fuck did you take her!?”

Her fist clenches around the little cross suddenly, enough anger running through her veins to make her forget the little punch of pain that the cross pressing against the red marks the cigarette left on her hand last night makes. Her body moves automatically jumping out of the bed and before she can stop and think better of it, she’s heading to the window.

It’s open and big enough for Sharon to poke her head and part of her torso outside. She glances at the still wet street from the rain last night and the people walking under a sky full of clouds to any building near. The city looks grey and Sharon can just compare herself to it; after Alaska, who was her sun, the only thing left is rain and clouds.

Her eyes go up until they meet the same sky she saw last night, in a poor attempt to speak to god, in a poor attempt to make him help Alaska.

“God…”

Her hand is tight around the crucifix before she raises it in a fast move.

“You fucking vulture…”

The whispers run out her lips between her tighten teeth. Her arm moves back and forth and before she can realize, the crucifix is flying a few meters before it disappears of her sight. The aftertaste of her action comes just seconds after, a sour yet relaxing sensation covering her. With the crucifix being thrown meters away she feels just like a heavy weight has been removed from her shoulders.

“Please, bring her back… bring her back or take me with her, I don’t care, I just wanna be with her” she begs to the sky.

Her cry is full of pain, but the clouds seem to not listen.

“God, please, bring her back. I need her. Please!”

The door opens in a sudden move and Katya storms into the room. She had been worried about the strangely long amount of time Sharon had been alone in the room, and when she heard screams, she knew something was happening.

She takes Sharon’s arm with all the strength she counts with to get her away from the window, the fear of seeing her jump from it being unavoidable as she drags her to the door.

“It’s fine” she says, stopping to cope Sharon’s face and wipe the tears away with her fingers. “I’m gonna take you home”

“No” Sharon stutters. “I need to do this”

“You need to rest and Trixie can pack, it’s fine. Let’s go home”

Sharon wants to fight and say no and stay in the room because for now is everything that Alaska was in nine months, but she has fought enough, and her body is so tired she gives up and lets Katya guide her to the elevator.

“I’m sorry for your loss” the receptionist says in their way to the door.

Katya stops and turns to her, her grip still in Sharon’s arm, nodding sadly. “Thank you”

“She was a good girl” the old lady comments casually, with a nod that proves that she’s very sure of her words. “She was very kind”

She was, Sharon agrees silently. She really was.

-

“Oh my god. I still can’t believe it. It was— it was so sudden” Jinkx runs the sleeve of her blouse on her cheeks to wipe the tears away, steadying herself. “We talked yesterday at the phone and she said she was fine. I don’t— I just don’t get it”

Before getting in the car, Sharon had asked Katya to stop at Jinkx’s house to pick Cerrone up before they headed home with the excuse that she missed the cat and Katya accepted with no hesitation if that meant she could keep an eye on Sharon for more time. The trip was short, with Sharon looking through the window the whole time. It didn’t bother Katya, even when she tried so hard to build a conversation, turning the volume of the radio up and humming to the rhythm of any song after asking Sharon if she liked it.

Sharon never responded. But again, it didn’t bother Katya.

She stayed quiet until they reached Jinkx’s door. She was already outside before the car entered the street with Cerrone in her arms and her face made up in a wet mess with tears. As soon as she saw Sharon, she managed to hug her tightly with the cat between them until Katya pulled out of the car and joined their little reunion in Jinkx’s porch.

“It’s what doctors call sudden death” Katya explains softly.

Besides her, Sharon runs a hand through Cerrone’s back, not very attentive of the conversation happening in front of her. The animal purrs and rubs his head against her neck, removing from his spot in her arms. She feels lost there, outside Jinkx’s house, something feels wrong.

Everything feels wrong.

“We should be going” Katya says after a while. Sharon doesn’t know how much time it happened since they arrived, but the sky is breaking again and the thunders can only be a warning of another rain. “It was nice to come and say hi”

Jinkx nods. She glances at Sharon one more time, pursing her lips in sorrow. “I’m sorry, honey. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through”

Sharon can only sigh. I don’t even know what I’m going through.

-

It’s late and Sharon knows she should be sleeping since tomorrow is the ceremony in Alaska’s memory —even when the told Katya that was a fucking funeral, Katya told her Alaska’s parents preferred to call it a ceremony— in that fucking church near their house, but no matter how much she tosses and turns under the covers, sleep isn’t any near from her.

Going back home from the hospital was always boring. Alaska wasn’t there, and the environment was excessively cold and Sharon always rushed to make herself a sandwich or have some cereal and take a shower to go back to the hospital, knowing Alaska would be there waiting for her.

But Alaska isn’t in the hospital anymore, and Sharon has to stand the stupid coldness and the empty spot in the bed. She preferred the hospital bed with no doubt, if that meant Alaska was there.

Cerrone seems to have missed her; the poor animal didn’t leave her side since they got home. Katya asked if she should stay, but Sharon shut the door in her face and locked herself in the bedroom, yelling she would see her tomorrow and taking the cat with her to the bed, where she sank under the covers to try and sleep, not caring if it was just four p.m.

Staring at the ceiling, she sighs and stop herself from thinking about how a couple of hours before she was in the same position. In the same position, but of course, Alaska was still there. Her nose was pressed against Sharon’s cheek and looking at the ceiling didn’t seem so pathetic because she wasn’t alone. But she’s staring at the ceiling again, this time with Cerrone in her stomach and Alaska’s pillow tight between her arms. Clearly cuddling a pillow isn’t the same as cuddling a human being, but Sharon can’t bring herself to notice the difference. She just needs something of Alaska to try and stop feeling so lost.

She finally gives up with the idea of getting any sleep as she pushes Alaska’s pillow away and sits straight on the bed with her back resting on the headboard. Cerrone jumps from his sleep and looks at her in disbelief, almost telling her out for waking him up.

“I’m sorry, little boy” she chuckles sadly. “Go back to sleep”

He hisses in anger, but still lies down on her lap and accepts her hand petting his head lovingly.

“You know, Cerrone…” the cat looks up back at his owner at the mention of his name. Sharon is looking at the depth of the room, not really at anything in specific. “I bet god was jealous”

He meows before going back to his position with his head on Sharon’s leg, ready to sleep when she speaks again.

“God had to be jealous of me. Of the amazing life I had with Alaska. Of our relationship…” she swallows to hold the tears back, deciding she had cried enough today, and that she has more time to cry tomorrow before looking down at the cat. “What do you think, hm?”

The only response she gets is Cerrone tilting his head, maybe wondering why doesn’t she shut up and let him sleep.

She breathes a laugh. “Fucking look at me. Not even a day since Alaska is gone and I’m talking to animals and… to fucking god. I don’t even believe in him. I’m pathetic. Alaska would be laughing at me right now… maybe cuddling with me, and laughing… I can almost picture it. She would say something stupid like I thought you didn’t believe in god and I’d say something like shut the fuck up and… fuck Cerrone, I miss her”

Being alone means she doesn’t have to muff her sobs, which reliefs her.

She takes the pillow again and hugs it tight against her chest.

But it’s too much. Too much of her own bedroom, too much knowing she used to share it with Alaska. Too much of the walls and the pictures hanging on them. Too much of today, of all her fears becoming true. Too much of Katya and Trixie’s attempts to make her feel better. Too much of Jinkx’s hugs. Too much of crying because she doesn’t know what to do. Too much of feeling lost and when that feeling finally disappears all left is suffocating. Too much of not having Alaska. Too much of knowing she would never be back and definitely too much of god.

She jumps out of the bed, making Cerrone snap to the other side of the bed, but her lungs fighting for air don’t let her care about her pet. She rushes to take her purse and grasp in the little pocket inside for her sleeping pills, but with the only light in the room turned off her eyes can’t do much as she fumbles in the purse.

She sighs in relief when she finally feels the little plastic bottle. She takes only one, but then looks back and after thinking better of it she grabs another one before running to the kitchen for water. She doesn’t care if those pills are dangerous and Alaska hated every time she took them to sleep at the hospital with the excuse that the couch was too firm to sleep well on it. Sharon knows the risks, but she knows there’s no point in worrying about them if she doesn’t have anyone to worry about her anymore.

Pills surely running down her throat, she throws the little bottle away and lies down on the bed with Alaska’s pillow pressing against her ruined face for the few minutes she just manages to whimper and cry until the pills do their job and the sleep dominates her.

-

Sharon hadn’t overslept since Alaska got sick.

For the first time in months, she slept a complete night —and more than that— with no pauses.

Trixie’s call woke her up the next morning. When she saw the clock hanging in her wall her eyes almost jumped out her head, noticing she slept from 6 p.m. to 8 a.m.

“It’s fine, you needed them” her friend told her on the phone, and she really tried to believe it. “I’m gonna pick you up at 8:30 to go to church at 9, is it fine?”

“Church?” Sharon asked in disbelief, running to the bathroom to take a quick cold shower that surely would take all numb in her away.

“Alaska’s ceremony, Shar” Trixie sighed. “Her parents expect you to be there”

Sharon cursed under her breath as she started the shower with the coldest temperature her body could stand. “Sure. Sorry, I forgot”

“8:30 then?”

“8:30 then”

“See you. And please… eat something”

She did. She got dry bread and an expired instant soup and rushed to brush her teeth. She put on that black pencil skirt that was thrown and forgotten in the back of her wardrobe and a black blouse with the last button missing that she picked it anyways because it was the only simple black top she owned and she couldn’t disappoint Alaska’s parents with a band shirt. She rushed to hide the end of the blouse under her skirt before Trixie’s car stopped in front of the house. She didn’t want them to think their little precious daughter had been living with a dreadful witch, even if she did.

She tied her hair up in a tight bun and kissed Cerrone’s little head before grabbing her purse.

“For Alaska” she muttered to herself and stepped out of the house, somehow feeling just as lost and terrified as she did the day before.

The way to church was like a flash. She found herself in Trixie’s car and from a moment to another she was walking inside the huge white building. Everyone around her seemed broken, just like she was, and everyone greeted her with a sad smile. Alaska’s parents —who even when Sharon tried to please really hard, never talked to very deeply— had gaunt faces and tear stained cheeks.

“We have to be together in this” her mother had said, hugging Sharon with so much force she felt all the air in her lungs going out.

Her father squeezed her hand to tight when he shook it, but Sharon didn’t care about the slight pain in her fingers. She took her seat between Katya and Jinkx and listened to everything that the priest had to say. Exactly where she is, listening to a man she has never spoken to before talking about her girlfriend and glancing at the coffin a few meters from her, wondering if she is brave enough to go and look at Alaska’s body one more time after the ceremony.

No, I’m not.

“Hey, you’re wearing heels” Katya notices with surprise from her side in a whisper, leaning into Sharon’s ear so nobody near them could hear.

She looks at her over her shoulder for a second when she catches her attention, nodding shortly. “Alaska’s parents don’t like boots… they think they’re too punk”

Katya nods with a little grin. She sighs and fakes looking around before turning to Sharon again.

“And you look better than yesterday”

“Really? It must be the skirt, I still feel like shit”

Katya’s smile banish in only a second.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be” Sharon shakes her head with her eyes on the coffin.

“In her last days of life, our Alaska was suffering. She’s in heaven now, a better place, with god taking care of her” the priest says, and the entire church nods quietly. “In a place where she won’t suffer anymore…”

Sharon decides to play dumb the rest of the ceremony and play that listening about Alaska doesn’t hurt. She wants to show that at least she’s trying not to burst in tears hugging the coffin, she wants Alaska’s family and their friends to know she can handle this.

Even when she knows she can’t.

There’s a strong feeling in her chest, pressing against her lungs and making breathing a very hard task since yesterday and it doesn’t matter what she does because that fucking feeling is not going away, but she tries. She tries because she made Alaska a promise, and no matter how hard it hurt or how much she wants to make sleeping pills rain on her mouth until she never wakes up, she’ll keep her promise. For Alaska. Only for her.

Thinking about Alaska passed from worrying Sharon to water her eyes. It’s not a sweet reminder of what lights up her life anymore.

“… Sharon, would you mind to come here?”

She blinks. Looking around quickly, she realizes everybody in the church is looking at her and Katya pokes her ribs in a silent way to catch her attention. The priest is holding the microphone out with a little smile, glancing at her like if he’s waiting for something and Sharon can only blush and sink into her seat in embarrassment.

“What…”

Alaska’s mother leans forward from her seat to whisper in her ear. “The priest wanted some people important in Alaska’s life to speak up a little about her. He chose you”

“Oh” is all she says.

“Do you feel comfortable going up there, darling?” the lady asks, and Sharon feels a warm feeling extending over her stomach.

“Yeah” she sighs before looking at the priest again, nodding slightly. “I’m coming”

The nerves flood her mind as soon as she stands up and walks over the little stage at the back of the church, but once she’s there, everything she can think of is Alaska. Like it has always been.

“I didn’t prepare anything” she whispers to the priest.

“It’s okay” he smiles. “Just say what your heart wants to say”

She takes the microphone with a shaky hand and her heart pounding in her chest so hard and nods at the priest, who walks out to give her some space. She wants to lean and try to peek over the coffin just because the curiosity is killing her and she needs to know how Alaska looks like to try to print her imagine in her memory forever, but she desists and looks at the people instead.

Everyone who loved Alaska as much as she did in just one place.

“I… I met Alaska five years ago” she swallows hard. Trixie is smiling at her with something that Sharon can describe as pride. She turns and Jinkx is too busy crying to listen at her, but Katya gives her a thumb up to encourage her to go on. “My friend Courtney invited me to a party for New Years Day while I was in Los Angeles visiting my other friends Katya and Trixie. I thought about not going, but for some reason, I did at last minute. And because she was there, dancing and drinking around. When I saw her I could just think she was the most beautiful woman to ever step on the entire universe. Then Courtney introduced us and we… we just did click”

Sharon’s shoulders fall when the church coves in aw’s.

“We gave each other ours numbers. I told her I was supposed to fly back to Pittsburgh in two days, but she didn’t give a fu— she didn’t care. She said that’s what cellphones were invented for and… I guess that’s how it all started. Being in Pittsburgh, I couldn’t stand the distance, and six months after we started dating I moved to her house here. She told me she wanted to be a singer, and I told her I was a wannabe artist” she nods when everybody giggles. “She was my biggest fan. She would beg to me to make the designs for her demo songs, and of course I did”

She realizes the tears are already falling down her cheeks, but she sighs, determined to continue.

“Alaska was like a tidal wave in my life. She just came and knocked down everything that I used to know… but I’m glad she did so, because before my life used to be the worst. She took all the pain and… waved it away. She made me feel whole, alive. She was everything I needed and I just…”

Sharon holds herself together, even though her lip is shaking and her voice cracks. She has to do this. For Alaska. She sighs, closing her eyes for a minute and breathing in as hard as she can.

“Is hard imagining a life without her. Without her laugh, or advices, or hugs, or voice. I refused to do it for nine months. Back then I didn’t know living without her is way harder than imagining it, but we all have to do it, and we have to do it as Alaska would like it to be. I won’t come here and tell you what you already know; that she was sick, she was doomed to a bed with wires all across her arms and a tumor in her body. We know how tired and weak she was, but we also know how Alaska wanted us to remember her” she glances at the back to find Alaska’s parents crying, looking directly at her. “The last night, Alaska told me she didn’t want to die, but that she was ready to go if those were god’s plans for her”

A cry echoes across the room and Alaska’s mother hugs her husband tightly, burying her face into his suit.

“We have to remember her as happy as she was. Smiling, making a fool of herself so we all could have a laugh. We all know how much she worried about the people around her. She cared even about the people she didn’t know. She was loving, talented, brilliant and so, so smart. So I say, let’s remember her as she would love to be remembered: with the best of herself. Let’s appreciate all the memories we have, even if they hurt, they’re all we have now”

She walks to the coffin a few steps away, her eyes finally meting the motionless body of Alaska.

“She was the tidal wave that my life needed, and I’ll never forget her. I’ll miss her every day of my life as I look at her pictures and remember everything we did together”

Placing a hand on the glass, she caresses it above Alaska’s cheek. The old, grey cheek that once was red from laughing so hard, from smiling so hard.

“Alaska always tried to talk to god. I used to hear her talking to him after praying every night… and knowing that she is with him in heaven, because there’s no other place where she belongs, I’m happy she can finally talk to him” she stares at the glass, her lips curling into a smile. “I hope she talks about her life here and how much she enjoyed it to him. I hope she talks about me, and her family and friends, and everything she achieved here”

A tear falls over the glass over Alaska’s face, Sharon’s hand rubbing it away immediately.

“I’ve never tried to talk to god until a few nights ago, although I don’t think he listened. I don’t blame him, I’m not the best person to be heard, I’ve been wicked almost all my life… but now I just want to ask him for something”

Her eyes slowly go up to the ceiling.

“God, if you’re there… please tell Alaska how much I love her”

[onbartonspringsfic]

Chapter 75

“What do you mean she left you?! When did this happen?!” You stop dead in your tracks, turning to face him. He stops next to you, squinting into the distance as if looking for what to say next.

“Three weeks ago, I drove up the coast for a few nights to play some clubs with the Peasants. When I came back, all her shit was gone. She took the boys, obviously, and most of their stuff too,” he explains in a matter-of-fact tone. “It was that guy she spent the night with that I told you about.” He looks at his feet and then over your shoulder at the ocean. “Apparently they’ve been seeing each other since then. Sure had me fooled.” He shrugs and gives you a crooked smile.

“Oh, Chris,” you manage, screwing up your face in despair. “I’m so sorry.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “It’s fine. Really. It wasn’t working. We both knew it. I’m just not sure why she waited till now to leave. They’ve been together for a while, from what I can gather.”

Your shoulders drop, deflated with disgust. “What is WRONG with all these women?!”

“What?” he laughs, confused.

“Jordyn runs off and leaves Dave, Cara runs off and leaves you… they’re all insane!” You’ve become visibly angry and hurt for both your boyfriend and your best friend. Chris grabs your arm to bring you back to Earth. He looks slightly amused.

“Hey! I think you’re more upset than I am,” he chuckles. “I’m saddest about the boys, but when you think about it, as much as I’m on the road, I won’t see them any less than I already do. And they’re getting old enough now that I can take them on tour with me some. They’re both into music and seemed kind of excited about the idea when I suggested it. It’s really okay, Pen. I’m fine.”

You tilt your head and examine him closely, placing a hand on his cheek before hugging him tightly. He holds you gently for a moment and when you start to move away, he doesn’t completely turn you loose.

“I keep thinking about our agreement. About how if we were ever both single, you and I would give it a shot.”

Captured by his stare, it takes you a minute to process this and, before you do, he kisses you tenderly on the forehead, the tip of your nose and, with only a second’s hesitation, on the lips. To your surprise, you kiss him back. It feels so warm. So familiar. So comfortable.

He pushes your windblown hair out of your face and smiles lovingly. “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but deep down I’ve been wishing that things weren’t going all that well with you and Dave.” He looks ashamed, but only slightly.

Still lost in his eyes and shaken by his kiss, you snap back into reality at this confession, squaring your shoulders and taking a step back.

“Is that what this walk was about? You wanted to fool around?”

“No! No… I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant to happen at all.” He hasn’t moved but he looks uncomfortable, as if he could spring from the spot at any moment. “Penny, I…” he heaves a sigh. “This walk was a bad idea. I’m shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry,” he says, trailing off as he begins to stalk down the beach in the direction of the house.

“Chris. CHRIS!” you yell when he doesn’t respond the first time. He stops walking and turns his head over his right shoulder, not completely looking at you.

“What WAS this about then, exactly?” you demand, frustrated and rushing to his side. “Are we friends, or not? Because when we are apart we don’t speak and when we are alone together, you keep finding ways of getting tangled up with me in a secluded corner. I realize I’m to blame too…” You shut your eyes tight, remembering how hard it is to reject his advances. While you have never actually slept together, you’d participated in plenty of activities that are considered cheating by most couples. “But you’ve instigated most, if not all of it. You’re my best friend, but you’re not acting like it. I need to know exactly what you want because, if you’re not interested in just being close friends, I think we have a big problem on our hands.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t say it’s all my doing. I don’t think that you can deny that you have feelings for me too. You and I look at each other too long, share too much – you know better. You feel it too. We can’t keep our hands off each other. We have some sort of physical AND emotional connection. Tell me that’s not true.” His voice has raised a good bit, not in anger but more in desperation, not taking his eyes away from yours as he waits for your answer.

“This is insane. What do you want me to say?! That I’m madly in love with you and I’m going to leave Dave and start a life with you?!”

“I want you to tell me the truth, no matter how hard it is! Because the truth is…” the volume of his voice drops considerably and he takes a deep breath. “The truth is that I’m completely in love with you, Pen. I have been. Since the night we danced at the hotel. When you were crying on my shoulder over that idiot (he motions down the beach in the direction of Dave’s house) while he left you behind so he could fuck that whore Rose.” He runs a hand over his beard and across the back of his neck, immediately looking sorry that he’s said this.

“I don’t have to stand here and listen to this,” you tell him, feeling hurt and angry at once. You head for the house as fast as your legs will carry you, breaking a sweat under your now unnecessary windbreaker.

-----

In record time, you have reached the long, private boardwalk that leads from the beach to the house and, as you ascend the short steps at the base, you look back in the direction from which you’ve just come. Chris has followed very slowly behind, obviously taking his time and giving you plenty of space to get where you’re going. The sun feels warm and welcome on your slightly tear stained face. You felt sorry for him and his two sons and you were angry, not only at Cara, but also at Chris for pulling that stunt. You weren’t sure that you could believe that his intention was not to proposition you this morning. He’d told you about their separation and that he loved you in the same breath. How could that not be intentional?

Upon entering the house, you make a hasty retreat to the nearest bathroom and clean up your face. Though you hadn’t really been crying, you had teared up in anger several times on the walk back and not only did you not want Dave asking questions, you didn’t want Chris to think you’d been crying. You don’t know why, you just don’t want him to see. Everything just seemed easier that way.

Heading into the kitchen, you meet Alison in the doorway, carrying a tray covered with an impressive smorgasbord of breakfast foods and a large glass of orange juice. Eyes wide and eyebrows raised, you break into a grin.

“Wow!” you say in a loud whisper, gazing at the stack of pancakes with butter in the middle of the spread. “How nice!”

“I thought I’d surprise T with breakfast in bed. He earned it last night,” she confesses with a toothy grin.

“God, Ali!” you giggle. “TMI!” She laughs melodically at this.

“Oh, please! This is the girl that got caught having sex on an equipment case side-stage in the middle of a public park.” She grins and looks at you sideways. “I’m kidding!” she assures you when your face falls a little. “Don’t act like you’re the first one to do that. Or the first one to get caught.” She nods her head when you light up with disbelief. “It wasn’t with Taylor, either,” she whispers. “Shhhhh!” You look appalled. "It was before he and I met, girl!" With another giggle, she heads upstairs with her tray. You make a mental note to ask her to tell you that story later.

Standing in the morning silence of the kitchen, you notice that the coffee maker has gone back to sleep, so you start it up again with the intention of making a fresh pot for Dave. Once it starts gurgling and sputtering, you open the pantry door and peruse its contents, again choosing a packet of the Pop-Tarts both of you are so fond of. You close the door only to see Chris walking in from the living room. He stops when your eyes meet.

“I’ll come back,” he says quietly as he turns to go.

“It’s fine, Chris. I’ve put the coffee on if you want some. Pop-Tart?” you blandly offer.

He cracks a smile and manages a little laugh, snorting as he does so. “Sure.” 

In spite of yourself, you manage a little laugh too. Long before you'd met him, you'd always gotten a kick out of his laugh and how it was often followed by a snort. It was weirdly charming and quite frankly, adorable. 

You hand him the packet, grab a clean cup from the cupboard and stand at the coffeemaker, uncomfortably staring at it and impatiently trying to will it to work faster.

“I told you that thing takes for-fucking-ever.” You glance at him over your shoulder as he tears open the pastry and holds it out to you, offering to share. After a long moment, you hesitantly set down the mug and join him at the table.

“I promise you that was not pre-planned. I shouldn’t have asked you to go for that walk. I shouldn’t have done any of that. I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t help how I feel about you. I was not looking for this to happen. Other than that night in the linen closet in Austin, before you and Dave were really together, I had no agenda. I don’t expect you to leave him for me. However, if I’m honest, had you told me that you were interested in even giving us a try, I would have left Cara. You are a game changer, Penny. I have never met anyone like you and no one has ever made me feel like you do. You are undoubtedly the most beautiful thing I have ever encountered, inside and out. And what we have – I don’t know exactly what that is – but it’s special. I don’t want to lose that. You asked me if we are still friends. If you’re still interested in being my friend, then I’d really like to continue that way. I need you in my life, more than you can understand. Please.”

You sit in silence for a while, just looking at each other while you try to process everything he has just laid out on the kitchen table. The coffee pot finally clicks and brings you back into the moment.

“I need to take Dave some coffee. He’ll be awake by now,” you tell him, glancing at the clock on the microwave. “Can we talk about this some more later?”

“Absolutely,” he says quickly, sounding relieved that you appear willing to speak about it again.

Without another word, you leave the table, pour a cup of coffee and hurry up to the bedroom to check in on Dave.