#not gonna lie there are several times these past 5 months i thought the same thing

[korracrat]

Oh hey guys. Guess it’s been a while hasn’t it?

Well I am ok-ish? I think? Umm I’ve been in and out of ER’s a lot lately and have been devoting literally all my time into not dropping out of school. I WILL be back, most likely when I am finished with my summer classes around July. 

I will have a longer update later.  I am currently being tested for MS and a bunch of other shit. Like I keep losing my vision and routinely blacking out as well as the issues with my digestive tract earlier in the year, long story short not only is my body systematically shutting down but we’re also still not sure what is doing it.

Also doesn’t help that I was locked out of my account for a while as well.

I am more often on Twitter: https://twitter.com/DontWriteDown

Also my boyfriends tumblr is @former-wizard. He might also post updates about me as well.

See y’all soon (most likely this weekend if i get all my homework done)! And sorry for freaking y’all out! (And I thought the issue with my inbox was bad before lol)

@trappist-k @die-forellex @n-k-y @terrasu @greeneryandcoffee @nanasity @papallion @obsidea @jesuspimp @lesbxdyke @werevampiwolf @kaybirdie512 @pageofmemes @mentallybrokengay @cieraxx13 @joeyisanolive @l-401 @wanna-taka-bout-it @inventorbenny @mostly-a-queer-being @zuzuthejerkbender @wheel-deal @neighborlyarson @cambriascolex @glumshoe @setmybuttocksablaze @elric-chan @blitchen @will-write-for-food @exdeath-chan

[caneannabelle]

ok hi guys. it’s been a while. i wrote this analysis back when Mag 187 aka Checking Out aka The One Where Helen Dies first came out and literally ever since i’ve posted it i’ve wanted to redo it because it feels. lacking. listen if there’s one thing i hate it’s incomplete media analysis and i must right my wrongs lest i be forced to look upon myself and crumble from within. that being said, i’ve been putting off this rewrite for a long long time bc Life Gets Weird. tldr this was written over the course of several months so i apologize for inconsistent quality. anyways let’s get into it!

part one: recap!

it’s been a while! let’s just go over what happened. the scene i wanna focus on in particular is this one:

VICTIM

You’ve got to help me!

ARCHIVIST

[Angrily] Don’t touch me!

[THE ARCHIVIST PULLS AWAY, AS THE VICTIM FALLS AND IS CRYING]

HELEN

Oopsie. Not so easy, is it? Keeping up your humanity?

(187).

that being said i’m gonna be kind of all over the place but! i do think that’s a good jumping off point.

part two (part one): disparaging everyone’s problematic fav

in my original post my point was that in reflexively reacting to a victim with disgust and anger jon inadvertently reveals the nature of his dedication to helping victims as ego driven, especially because this line is directly preceded by him asserting his moral high ground over helen as being a “protector” as opposed to her indulgence in destruction. what i’m saying is homeboy has a savior complex. honestly there’s a lot of evidence to support that claim but i think the most obvious example would be jordan kennedy. like.

JORDAN

…Yeah. But wrong. Sick.

What did you do to me?

ARCHIVIST

I helped you.

JORDAN

Helped me? I don’t feel right, I, I just – Ah! No I don’t – argh! I don’t want this!

(184). to be clear it’s an action with a good intent! he just wants to help someone who once helped him! BUT it also demonstrates a lack of conscious empathy. i feel like i don’t have to argue this since jordan Literally vocally said he didn’t want this several times throughout the scene but the point remains that while jon’s intent is good the actual application of his saviourism removes the autonomy of those he affects. i’m not gonna touch on the “is it objectively immoral to become an oppressor for the sake of self preservation while existing within an extreme system in which all are oppressed regardless of your individual status” query mostly because i do not have the brainpower available rn to come to my own conclusion about systems of power and the way they’re represented in tma (which is a whole other rant tbh) but jon DOES rob jordan of the ability to come to his own conclusion in this debate and make his own choice, thereby removing his autonomy. you know. autonomy. free will. the thing that is central to jon’s internal conflicts. huh.

anyways i NEED to stress that i’m not saying that he’s the same as jonah or the web or even annabelle (although annabelle is a victim. no i don’t take constructive criticism). i just want to point out that his actions reflect a lack of understanding. while he’s able to empathize with the pain others experience and is eternally hyper- aware of it he is unable to view that pain through any lense besides his own and uses it in his cycle of self pity and blame, minimizing it at any point possible in the quickest way and Not prioritizing the wishes of the victim but instead the efficiency in decreasing his own guilt. anyways back to 187- both the victim and jordan are treated as props by jon (and helen) and once they serve their purpose in reaffirming the two’s sense of self are cast aside and ignored. ok from here i’m gonna get conceptual and self indulgent bc it’s my analysis and i get to bring up vague convoluted philosophy.

part two (part two): part two

let’s talk about the distortion for a sec. i refuse to believe helen and michael were both completely gone and it was just the distortion piloting their visage, mostly because… like that’s not what the text would indicate

HELEN

Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST

What happened?

HELEN

He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me.

Lost my way.

(101). it’s heavily implied that there was SOME remainder of michael in there, even if the being wasn’t him. maybe i’m way off base here but the way i interpreted the implosion of michael was that it was driven by his inability to maintain the repressed resentment and anger he had for gertrude. like it’s pretty clear that some warped version of michael’s feelings were trapped inside of the distortion and i’d go as far as to say that they were integral to his formation as it. i’m gonna operate on the assumption that michael and helen are two separate beings here for a sec even though we know they’re not. As opposed to michael’s resentment for the archivist, helen actively sought refuge in the institute and from the small amount we saw of her Pre-Distortion it seems like her paranoia is internally directed. i think you could even say that while michael was caught in an eternal battle with the concept of connection, helen is caught in a battle with the concept of self. the point is that she thinks of jon in a less “The Archivist” sense and more as just That Guy who she had an intense connection with that one time.

ARCHIVIST

So… S-so what do you want?

HELEN

I don’t know. Helen liked you, so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave.

(101). i would also like to point out that helen’s emergence as the distortion coincides with jon coming to terms with his identity as the archivist. parallels, baby! SO helen is a newly formed being that is grappling with the concept of her own existence and jon is reevaluating his understanding of identity as he comes to terms with the fact that he is turning into the thing he’s fighting against and this is all happening at the same time. live laugh love. stay with me here, i promise i’ll get back to 187. Throughout seasons 4 and 5 helen attempts to validate her own moral decisions via jon who she once saw herself in. conversely, jon sees both an image of what he could become AND arguably a representation of his past failure in her.

ARCHIVIST

It did. I think… I mean, you remember how I was back then, how paranoid. The Not!Sasha was there, and I could sense something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t place it. It left me a suspicious wreck. Then when Helen Richardson came in, it seemed like… she was in the same place I was, but worse, further along. I thought, maybe if I could help her, that would mean… maybe I wasn’t beyond help?

(188). helen and jon lie at opposite ends of the same spectrum. both of them derive pleasure from the suffering of others

HELEN

Oh, John! This existence can be wonderful, if you just let it.

ARCHIVIST

[Sadly] I know.

(187). needless to say that a LOT of jon's arc and the themes surrounding him focus on the concept of autonomy and addiction and i think it'd be fair to say that this component is an aspect of that. repressing these qualities is both a way of reaffirming his control and also just.. him trying to be what he perceives as Good, and season 5 is the point at which this comes to the forefront of his character- particularly the line between what is intrinsic and what he truly has control over. a battle of the concept of the self, if you will. while the two share similar traits, jon is intensely moralistic while helen indulges in a twisted sense of hedonism and both are fueled by an inability to expand their viewpoint. helen fully immerses herself within these qualities and intentionally blinds herself to any concepts of morality (indulgence), and jon actively pushes back on this as hard as he can and follows black and white moral framework (repression). this means that in order for their relationship to function he must either accept her, choosing to let go in his personal battle with autonomy OR she must break out of her worldview and conform to standards of human morality which goes against her own nature.

part three: questions i do not have the answer to

so. what does it all mean. WELL. 187 is the boiling point of all this tension. we know that helen relies on jon to validate her sense of self and we know that jon sees himself in helen, both past and present

HELEN

But that doesn’t make any sense. You barely met her. You had half an hour together, and she spent most of that ranting about mazes! She was positively delirious with paranoia!

ARCHIVIST

True. But as you’ll recall, I was pretty paranoid myself at that point.

HELEN

So what? You saw yourself in her? A sad reflection? A possible future?

(187). I’d argue that 187 is demonstrative of jon’s inability to either fall into complete indulgence in intrinsic values that lack moral validity vs. maintain and image of self that does not conflict with the values he attempts to uphold in order to find internal satisfaction and yes both of those concepts are inherently egocentric as he bases his moral judgement on what he can justify to himself instead of what can be calculated via empathy. however. paired with the alternative (helen). is that BAD. is it inherently selfish to do what you perceive as good in order to feed your own savior complex? and if so, is it inherently selfish to indulge in destructive qualities as to not delude yourself? is honesty vs deception a black and white question? if not, where does helen even fall? in not deluding herself does she achieve a moral high ground? IS she deluding herself by denying the potential to be facetiously benevolent at the detriment of both her personal enjoyment and her honesty? does helen even posses the capability to repress her violent qualities? if she doesn't, does she have any autonomy? if she and jon are both inherently selfish and intentionally resistant to introspection, what makes them different? i do not have answers but i do think the text is meant to invoke these questions. i mean,

MICHAEL (STATEMENT)

There was a great evil, she said, and Michael was going to help her fight it. Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it? Perhaps Gertrude believed so. Michael certainly did. He believed everything she told him.

(101).

part 5: conclusion

so once again. what does it all mean. well! even post helen’s death jon continues to fight for autonomy and preserve his moral worldview so. i think that probably indicates something good.

MARTIN

Huh. She couldn’t help what she was, I guess.

ARCHIVIST

She didn’t even try.

(188). i honestly don’t have a thesis i just find it incredibly interesting how the themes surrounding these two intersect and play off of each other. anyways looping back to 187 i do think in a broad sense jon killing helen is representative of him choosing to stick by his convictions and keep fighting. i don’t have any good way to end this but thanks for sticking around during my self indulgent rambling!

[i-am-bitterly-jittery]

Into The Dark Side pt 1

So I wrote this a few months ago, and I wasn’t gonna post it until it was finished, but it felt kinda relevant after yesterday’s episode so here, take it

No Spoilers!! I didn’t add anything since yesterday (except for like fixing some grammar mistakes) so none of it was influenced by the ep. It’s an AU either way

Word Count: 2400

Rating: Teen

Pairing: gen

Warnings: swearing, suggestive language, threats of violence (Remus stuff)

~~~START~~~

“I want you to make me a Dark Side.”

Deceit raised an eyebrow at both the odd request, and the fact that the other Side thought he could just barge into his study without knocking. “Excuse me?”

“I know that you control the separation between the so-called ‘Light Sides’ and the ‘Dark Sides’. I want you to turn me into a Dark Side.”

“Indeed,” Deceit replied thoughtfully, leaning back in his chair. He was hoping to come off as casual and aloof, but on the inside, he was completely lost. “I definitely follow. Light Sides ask to become Dark Sides all the time, it’s never the other way around.”

“Thomas frequently asks for my opinion, but once I have given it, my opinion is ignored. I believe my function would be performed more efficiently if I were working behind the scenes, so to speak.”

“Yes,” Deceit leaned forward, steepling his gloved fingers under his chin. “Because Dark Sides are known for being listened to and respected.”

“If my opinion is not going to be listened to, then I would prefer everyone stop asking for it.”

“Hmm, very well. I won’t fulfill your request, but just know, everything in life is free. There is never a price to pay.”

“I do not care. I shall pay, whatever the price.”

Deceit smirked at the other Side, and held out one hand. “Then won’t you shake a poor sinner's hand?” He purred, watching the other Side closely.

He took Deceit’s hand without hesitation and was immediately engulfed in a blinding yellow light. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was Deceit muttering “transformation central.”

~~~

“-you to make me a Dark Side-”

“-definitely follow-”

“-opinion is ignored-”

“-never a price to pay-”

“I do not care.”

Logan woke up in his bed, glasses still on his face. His room looked exactly the same except everything was in black and white.

Odd. Do all Dark Sides see in monochrome or is this some sort of practical joke played by Deceit?

He was scanning around the room, trying to decipher whether or not Deceit held up his side of the bargain, when he noticed that the lights were off. A glance at the clock told him that it was 5:30 am, much too early for him to be able to see anything more than vague outlines without a light on, let alone the most minute details on his periodic table poster.

Extremely odd indeed.

Cautiously, Logan made his way across the room to the light switch. He flicked the lights on, and suddenly all the colors of his room returned.

Interesting

Curiously, he switched the lights off again. Everything lost color immediately, but not clarity.

Very interesting. Perhaps Dark Sides can see in the dark. Further testing is required.

Leaving the lights off — he could see perfectly well in the dark so why waste electricity? —Logan headed to the bathroom attached to his room to begin his morning ablutions. He didn’t make it very far, however, because as soon as he caught sight of his reflection, he realized why he could see so well in the dark.

Ah, this is what Deceit must have meant when he said there was a price to pay.

All Dark Sides had animal traits. Deceit had snake scales covering random parts of his body, as well as a single snake eye and a forked tongue. Lust - while technically a Neutral Side - had black markings around his eyes, as well as having swan-like wings that jutted out from his back. Apathy also had black marks around his eyes - though his trailed down his face while Lust’s swooped back towards his ears - as well as an overly-large fuzzy sweatshirt that’s sleeves extend well past the tips of his fingers. Greed had intermittent scales like Deceit, though his were larger and shinier, and sometimes smoke came out of his mouth. Jealousy had opposable toes and a prehensile tail. The Duke had tentacles. And Anxiety… Well, Anxiety hid his animal traits well, but Logan was sure that he had some somewhere.

(And then of course there was Malice, Pride, and Rage, but while Logan was aware of their existence, he had never seen them before, and therefore did not know what animals they were represented by, nor how their traits manifest.)

Logan now had animal traits too. His glasses were now round with thick frames, and while his prescription hadn’t changed, they were now magnifying his eyes, making them look overly large and round. His eyebrows had gotten bushier and seemed to be permanently downturned, making him appear to be perpetually glaring. And worst of all, his hair no longer lay flat in a simple, professional style, but rather created two spikes on his head that seem to line up with the angle and trajectory of his eyebrows.

He was an owl. A great horned owl to be precise - and while owls were not known to be any more intelligent than any other type of bird, Logan understood that Dark Sides’ animal traits came from Thomas’ perception of animals, rather than from the actual behaviors of said animals.

This shall… take some getting used to. Still, it’s hardly a great price.

After several minutes of trying - and failing - to get his hair to lie flat, he gave up and decided to just start his day like he always did - with a strong cup of coffee and a nice, healthy breakfast.

Perhaps the hardest part of getting to the kitchen was that, other than his room, everything in the Dark side of the mindscape was a mirror image of how it was in the Light side, though, the fact that there were significantly more doors, and a good number of extra hallways that Logan — even with his more enhanced night vision — could not manage to see down didn’t help. It took him longer than he’d like to admit to make it to the kitchen, and when he got there, he was surprised to find he was not the only one awake.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Anxiety was sitting on top of the fridge, eating chips right out of the bag, and staring down at him.

Logan bristled a bit, which unfortunately meant his hair and clothes flared out like feathers on an agitated owl.

Unfortunate. I should make a note of that for the future.

Thankfully, Anxiety didn’t laugh at him (he wants to, though), instead he just continued to stare at Logan expectantly.

“What’s with the owl getup?”

“Ah, that. I made a deal with Deceit to become a Dark Side.” Logan answered, trying to regain his dignity. Anxiety stiffened at the answer.

“What was the price?” Anxiety demanded, gaze scanning quickly over the room, resting for a moment on a dark hallway that didn’t exist on the Light side, returning to Logan only when he found nothing to be out of place or unusual other than Logan himself.

“This, I presume,” Logan stuck his arms out to show off his unfortunate shirt-feathers. “I’ve become part owl. A bird characterized in popular media as being exceptionally smart, though in reality is of average intelligence for avians. A more accurate choice would have perhaps been a crow or a parrot, both of which are not only considered smart for avians, but for animals in general.”

Anxiety began shaking his head long before Logan finished his rant. “The animal traits are part of the gig, teach, not the price. What did Deceit ask for in return for making you a Dark Side?”

“I, uh, do not know,” Logan admitted slowly. In his haste to become a Dark Side, he had brushed off Deceit’s mention of a price, and now he was faced with the fact that he didn’t know what he paid.

“You don’t know?” Anxiety asked incredulously. Perhaps Logan should have been a little more like Anxiety. Anxiety would have never made a deal if he didn’t know exactly what the deal was, his overly cautious nature was what made Thomas double check the locks in his apartment before going to bed.

“No… I do not.”

“For being the smart one, you sure are a clueless moron.” Anxiety jumped off the fridge in one fluid motion, landing lightly - almost silently - on his feet in front of Logan. “C’mon, we’re gonna go ask Deceit what you paid.”

There was no room for argument as Anxiety grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the kitchen. Anxiety didn’t appear to be thrown off by the mirror image layout, or by the mysterious extra doors and hallways, but Logan supposed that was to be expected.

He has always lived here; he would know his way around much better than I. In fact, he would probably describe the Light Side as being a mirror image, despite the fact that it has the same basic layout as Thomas’s apartment.

“What are these extra hallways?” Logan asked curiously as they passed by two, one on either side. “And there appear to be a great number of extra doors.”

“Don’t go down hallways you can’t see down, and don’t open doors if you don’t know where they lead,” Anxiety ordered sharply instead of giving a proper answer.

“Why?” Anxiety let out an annoyed hiss, and yanked Logan to a stop.

“Just. Don’t.” He released his grip on Logan’s wrist and turned to the door that they’d stopped in front of. “We’re here.”

Anxiety rapped on the door three times. Nothing happened.

“Dee!” He called, knocking again, louder. “I know you’re in there! Open the d-”

The door flew open suddenly, banging loudly from its impact with the wall. A tentacle shot out of the impossibly dark room, wrapped around Anxiety’s wrist, and yanked the Side into the abyss before Logan could even process what was happening.

Barely a second later, another tentacle wrapped around Logan’s wrist, and yanked him into the room as well. The tentacle let go of him, and the door slammed shut again behind him, cutting off the only source of light in the pitch-black room.

“Anxiety!” A voice chuckled. “You never come to visit me! Oh I’m so touched!”

“Get off of me, Duke!” Logan could hear struggling a few feet away where both the Duke and Anxiety’s voices were coming from - as well as an interesting squwelshing noise. “I’m looking for Deceit, why are you in his room?”

“Oh, emo, you’re so funny!” The Duke laughed. “Deceit’s gone.”

“WHAT?”

“Oh yeah, seems he made a trade with a certain, discontent Light Side. I came across this empty room this morning and though it could fit sooo many butts in here, so it’s mine now!”

“Though I loathe to place myself in the middle of this conversation,” Logan interrupted. “Why can’t I see anything?”

“Cuz it’s not your room, dipshit,” Anxiety snapped.

“Now, Anxie, be nice to the nerd,” the Duke cooed. “He’s not from here.”

Suddenly, the lights flickered on, allowing Logan to take in their surroundings for the first time. The room was empty other than for himself and the other two Dark Sides, with nearly pristine white walls and carpet - though a splattering of… interesting colors littered the area around the Duke’s feet. Logan was about a foot away from the door with a tentacle reaching past him towards the light switch.

The Duke was standing in the approximate center of the room, about five feet away from Logan. His two human arms were wrapped around Anxiety, trapping his arms to his sides, lifting him off the ground, and clutching him to the Duke’s chest, while two of the Duke’s tentacles are wrapped around his legs to keep the anxious Side from kicking.

“Great,” Anxiety commented sarcastically. “Now lemme go you slimy-“

The Duke’s final tentacle wrapped around Anxiety’s head like a gag, cutting off whatever expletives were about to come out of his mouth.

“That’s better!” The Duke cheered. “Oh! My my, Anxiety, I didn’t know you were so kinky!”

The words spurred on another round of struggling from Anxiety, but the Duke held fast.

“Now, Archimedes,” the tentacle that had turned the lights on then wrapped around Logan’s wrist and pulled him closer to the conversation, though it was considerably gentler than when it had dragged him into the room - less like being kidnapped and more like having a child excited to show him something. “You can’t see in the dark in other Side’s spaces, it’s rude! You can only see in the dark in your room, and the common spaces.”

“What about all those hallways I couldn’t see down?” Logan asked, ignoring the silent glare coming from the trapped Anxiety.

“Oh those?” The Duke leaned in close enough that Logan could smell his foul breath. “Those are where the Darkest Sides live. The ones that give poor wittle Morality and Anxiety nightmares.” The Duke punctuated this by licking Anxiety’s cheek. “The ones that Deceit keeps under strict lock and key because even he’s afraid of letting them out.”

“Pride, Rage, and Malice,” Logan guessed.

“And me, of course.” The Duke dropped Anxiety in order to pose dramatically, arranging his tentacles around himself menacingly, but artistically.

Definitely Roman’s brother.

“But as I’m sure you know, Raerae, Octopi can fit through any opening they can get their beak through. All Deceit’s horses and all Morality’s men can’t keep me in the darkness forever. Every now and then, I get out and share all my fun ideas with Thomas.”

“Your ideas aren’t fun!” Anxiety hissed from the corner where he’d retreated to as soon as the Duke had released him. Logan noted his defensive stance, darkened eyeshadow, and involuntary hissing, and wondered if Anxiety’s animal traits were perhaps that of a racoon. “Now let us out!”

“Sorry, Tickle Me Emo,” the Duke giggled. He reached a tentacle out to open the door, but instead of the dimly lit hallway Logan and Anxiety had come from, beyond the door was pitch black. “I can’t open doors to the Dark Side unless someone lets me — like you did earlier when you knocked — but since Jay Jay the Jet Plane’s flown the coop, ~no one’s gonna come looking for you,~” the Duke advanced towards Anxiety, his posture and tone becoming less friendly and more menacing. “It’s just you, me, and Pigwidgeon here.”

~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~

To be clear: Lust is a swan, Apathy is a sloth, Greed is a dragon, and Jealousy is monkey

Ten points if you guess Virgil’s animal traits

Twenty points if you guess what Pride, Malice, and Rage are

General Taglist: @royalty-of-all-things-snuggly @pixelated-pineapple

[wtfevenismypage]

Observer not Profiler END

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Summary: You’re similar to a profiler, but you can tell almost anything about a person just from a single glance. What they had for dinner, if they took a bath or shower, their name, favorite color, if they lie, even if they’re good in bed. You’ve been running from the government ever since you got caught hacking into their systems and since then you have been diagnosed with Extreme anxiety, anxious tics, and paranoia. But now the BAU need you’re help in Identifying killers.

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of therapy, mentions of anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, anxious tics

A/N: This is the final chapter loves!

Even a year later you had to deal with anxiety, anxious tics, paranoia, and your past, but Spencer was by your side the whole time. He helped you to accept your anxiety, and he came with you to every therapy session you had, waiting in a separate room while you spoke with a young woman.

You constantly worried about Spencer leaving you for all of your mood swings, but he constantly reassured you that he could never. He truly loved you. 

And as he promised to you, he was taking things slowly, making sure everything he did was okay. Because some days, you couldn’t stand being touched or coddled, the feeling was suffocating, other days, you needed him to be holding you every hour of the day.

You don’t know what you did to deserve him, or anyone on the team. They were so patient with you.

“Y/L/N. My office please?”

You looked to Hotch, who stepped into his office again. Turning to Morgan, who you were just joking around with, you both shrugged. But you went to his office nonetheless, preparing to be told off for drinking all of the coffee.

“If this is about the coffee, it wasn’t me.”

You stopped speaking at the sight of two young women, they had to be your age.

Y/BF/N and Hope.

“Oh my god guys!”

You laughed in excitement, bum-rushing them in a hug, which they gladly returned. You swayed in the hug, feeling their giddiness seep into your skin.

“Oh my god you guys! What are you two doing here? I thought I would never see you again!”

They had tears streaming down their faces, you did too. Hotch quickly explained that he remembered they had never held up their end of the deal when you joined, so he had Penelope search endlessly for your friends. He left the office, letting you be alone with your friends.

“So we’re really sorry for putting you on the run like that, we didn’t mean to!”

You burst out in laughter, waving your hands around furiously.

“No no no, it’s fine guys. I don’t blame you at all!”

The three of you continued to catch up with each other. Apparently they hadn’t seen each other in two years. They had gone through a lot of interviews with the government to try and find out where you were, but they said nothing. 

Later in the evening, you were back at your apartment with Spencer, cuddling on the couch while Dr. Who re-runs play on the T.V. Your apartment was much more personalized now. You had your walls painted a light blue grey color, pictures and plants on the walls, cluttered counters as well.

“I’m glad I got to see them again, They really haven’t changed much.”

You smile against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“Oh yeah? What did you talk about?”

“You mainly. I told them all about how you make me feel. They said we should just start planning a wedding already. I told them that I wouldn’t be opposed.”

And that’s when Spencer knew he wanted to be with you for the rest of his life. That same week he made several phone calls to a few people, Mainly Hotch and Rossi.

And about a month later, you were having another very rough day. You wanted nothing more than to be in Spencer’s arms at home, but you had so many files to take care of.

You finish up another file before standing and walking to the coffee table, where Spencer and Hotch were speaking. They quickly stiffen up as you walk over, Spencer wraps his arms around your waist and sets a careful kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Hey baby, want me to make you some coffee?”

You nod at his offer, letting him go and sparking a random conversation with Hotch about Jack. You loved the idea of having kids, and you’ve actually babysat Jack and Henrey a lot. They were both really funny and adorable. They kind of made you want some of your own.

Spencer handed you the coffee cup which you sipped on gratefully, leaning your head on his chest. 

But mid-sip, Spencer just flips your entire day around.

He holds a shiny diamond ring in front of you, before speaking in a low voice.

“Will you marry me?”

-

-

-

-

-

Which led to you sitting behind your eldest son, brushing through his knotted curly hair. You had to reach forward a bit, it’s hard to reach over your pregnant belly.

“Mama, is papa making dinner?”

You smile at the young 5 year old.

“Yes, he should be done by the time I finish your hair, but he does also have the twins to deal with so the house might burn down.”

The small boy with curly wavy hair gasps as you laugh. You lift him up, carrying him down the stair to see Spencer holding both the twins while struggling to cook.

“Spence, you should have told me the twins were up!”

You set your oldest son in front of his toys, quickly taking the tiny babies from Spencer’s tired arms. He had a sweaty smile on his face as he continued to stir the Miso soup.

“You know, as soon as this baby comes, we’re gonna be working overtime.”

“Just get Morgan over here, force him to take care of them and tell him he owes us for something.”

You laughed at his joking tone, cradling the babies in your lap before setting them in their cribs before going out to the porch to set the table. The air was crisp and chilly, nipping at your skin.

Spencer came out with your son, sitting him in his seat and putting a spoon in his small bowl of soup.

You loved this moment, your twins were safe and sound in their cribs, your son eating a piece of tofu, a little girl on her way, and the love of your life, Dr. Spencer Reid smiling a smile that could light up the world, right next to your side ready to fight it all.

“I love you.”

You spoke, not towards anyone in particular, just generally.

You finally felt safe. You could finally live without looking over your shoulder.

end

@imsuperawkward @ithinkilovetruecrimetoomuch @l0ve-0f-my-life​ @hopebaker​ @thatsonezesty13​ @nightlygiggless​ @aberrant-annie​ @holybatflapexpert​ @spencerreidisbootiful​ @april-14-blog​ @jackryan-plz @kalebtheo​ @ajwantsapancake​ @lightswriting​ @emilouu​ @yourmisosoup​ @lizziebritish​ @101donuts​ @rainsong01​ @pretty-boy-genius​ @squirrellover1967​ @gublerstyles​ @delievia​ @boxofsparklingmuses​ @annestine​ @baby-i-am-fireproof​ @allthedumbassfandoms @irjuejjsaa @zhangyixingxing1​ @madcrazy50​ @maryhuffxoxo​ @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad​ @officialbogbody​ @m3lly-x​ @dark-night-sky-99​ @eu-solidao @thupidalethea​ @bad-idea-personified​ @random-thoughts-003​ @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal​ @boiled-onionrings​ @polywitcheyes​ @bxbyspxncer​ @snitchthewitch​ @yoruebeautiful​ @blablasomethingblabla​ @zhangyixingxing1​ @etherealgubler​ @valkyrie-5583​ @peaxhyjaes​

A/N: That’s the end! My new series Sinfully Sweet will be out soon, so if you would like to be added to the taglist just let me know! REQUESTS ARE OPEN

[ziracona]

[FGO AU -- The Kid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ?)

“…Still nothing?” Her hands are perfectly still, muscles tensed and brow furrowed with all the concentration I ever seen on any mage, but, I think she can tell the answer before I give her a sympathetic smile. “AUGH,” she exclaims, flinging herself back unhappily into her seat, “Why! I’m trying my hardest! I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong!”

The mage folds over like a camp chair and deflates with unhappy sounds, sliding back against her own seat.

“Hey, come on now,” I try reassuringly, “It’s not so bad. I don’t know any magic at all, but pretty much all skills take more than an hour to come together.”

She lets out another long sigh and blows some hair out of her face, then straightens up a little. “Yeah, I know,” she admits, “But it’s not like I only tried today. Actually, I’ve…been trying to practice it like all week. So I’d be ready…”

Whoa.

I…guess I shouldn’t be surprised—I keep underestimating her, and her level of plannin’. She strikes me as impulsive, and she is—to the core—but, she’s smart too, and reasonable. Knows how it works, and thinks, just, goes for the long shots anyway. It’s a combination of traits I both like and can relate to.

“Still,” I offer, “You ain’t got a teacher, ‘n mage stuff’s complicated to learn.” She still looks incredibly down, but she nods as she stares vacantly through the bed past me. “…’Sides,” I add, “That medicine you gave me’s helpin’ a lot already—I’m feelin quite a bit better. And you don’t need to worry about havin’ to heal me, sooner or later. I’m getting’ a steady supply of mana from you, even if it’s slow, so my spirit core’s rebuildin’. It’s just gonna take it a little time. It won’t be like a real—human—bullet wound would be to heal.”

“Really?” she asks, perking up immediately.

“…Yeah.” I’m kinda surprised she didn’t know that. Girl seems to have a roulette-wheel of a library about my kind in her head. “At this pace, I should be back on my feet by mornin’.” Crap, it is morning. I forgot. I give the blinds a glance. “Or, --I mean a few hours.”

“That fast?” she asks, eyes widening.

I shrug, which hurts. Ow. Why…do I keep doing that? OW. DAMN it, Bill. When I’m not moving, I forget how much the entire left side of my chest is in agony when I do. “Not back to normal, but, on my feet,” I manage with my teeth clenched, trying not to let on how much that hurt.

She nods, thinking that over. “Can I do anything to help speed it up?”

I still can’t get used to that.

Kid’s so….fervent, and sincere. And nice to me. I’ve been awake for maybe an hour with her now, and I’m still not remotely used to it.

I refocus quick, and give her a smile. “Not more than you already have.”

“I could get you more food,” she suggests eagerly.

That’s probably true, actually, and I could use it. Just. “…Well, if you got some,” I stutter out. I am not used to feeling flustered, but I am realizing quick I am even less used to people bein nice to me. The odd heroic spirit maybe, but humans? Feels totally off now. Like I’ve snuck in somewhere I’m not supposed to be.

Happy, the kid snags her tray, but before she can leave I say, “—Actually though, uh, --before you go—I’m realizin spectacularly late here you still haven’t told me your name.”

She freezes with her hand on the tray and her face turns red. “CRAP, YOU’RE RIGHT!” the mage whips around to face me and gives a distressed bow. “I’m so sorry—I can’t believe—”

“—I-It’s fine, really,” I assure her, “Just you got me at a little bit of a disadvantage right now-”

“—Right! I-I’m sorry. I totally forgot! I’m Ritsuka Fujimaru,” she says, offering me a hand. It takes me a second to get she wants me to shake it, and I awkwardly do.

“Ritsuka Fujimaru,” I echo, “Well, you already know my name, but seein’ as I got several to pick from, Billy’s good. –Oh, uhm—you got a name you prefer me to call you?”

“Uh.” She gives me a glazed stare like someone looking at an oncoming train. “My…friends in high school called me ‘Gudako’ sometimes.”

I stare right back and forget to take back my hand from our handshake. Damn!! “…Your friends weren’t too nice, huh?” I offer sympathetically.

Her face turns crimson and she gives me a look saying she was praying and expecting that I wouldn’t know what that meant and is crying on the inside that I do, and I feel real bad for her that we spirits get such decent language translation built into us on summon. “No,” she offers in a tiny, beaten voice, staring past me.

It’s real hard not to grin, but I beat the impulse down internally with a shovel and give a sympathetic smile instead. “Well, I really just meant ‘do you prefer ‘Ritsuka’ or ‘Fujimaru’,’” She turns a deeper shade and I see her wish for death a little. “But if it’s any consolation, I would definitely not describe you as boring.”

The kid finally looks me in the eye again, a bit like a kicked dog, but she smiles back after a second and seems to bounce back with it. We both remember we’re still holding hands then and let go.

“Well, thank you,” she says like she means that, “I guess I’m not this week anyway.”

“Hardly,” I agree with a smile.

She returns it and takes the tray and goes back into the kitchenette I gotta assume is back there somewhere, and I get another second to think alone.

I’m doin’ better—a lot, I think. So far I think I’ve been up something close to an hour. All this is very strange to me, and it’s not been a great couple of months, but I’m feelin’ less and less dead by the minute, and the answer to ‘does pain medication work on Heroic Spirits’ seems to be a solid ‘yes’—which—considerin alcohol still does and I knew that, in retrospect shouldn’t be such a surprise to me. A glad one though, for sure. Still.

What now? That’s the real question.

Kid says she just wants to help, and at this point I mostly believe that. There’s usually a catch somewhere down the line, but maybe not. I do think at the least she thinks she means it right now. …And…and. I wish that was all I had to worry about. But, the less pain I feel, the clearer I’m starting to think, and either way, she’s right; I can’t just go back to the throne, or I’ll get resummoned. I’m stuck here like this, tied to her right now. But I can’t stay here indefinitely, and neither can she—actually, come to think of it, if they got any kind of security at that workshop, she might be in danger now, for breaking me out. Mages are…known for their ruthlessness. There could be people already on the way to deal with her. Okay. Better find that out, and fast.

Then, third and last on the list of things for me to figure out and deal with is those mages themselves. And that’s the big one. I’m not the only one of us that’s gonna happen to, if it ain’t already happened to more of us, and I can’t leave the place like that. If they have more spirits already, I need to break them out. And either way, I need to destroy that research and probably the people in charge, so they don’t just rebuild, or they absolutely will. And fast. Not sure this new master is just gonna let me go on a wild murder tear either, though, no matter my motives. Which is a problem…

She’s back then, though, so I’m out of time to focus.

“More okayu, plus some chocolate, if you’re feeling good enough,” she offers hopefully, setting her tray back down, “and I brought you some tea too.”

See that’s the problem, I think mournfully at the sight, I can’t do nothin’, but I can’t just betray her after this either, even if I got a good reason! No one’s ever been this good to me—I can’t just go lie to her and then pull a bunch of bloodshed on her dime—even if she don’t sign off on it, she’ll find out, and she’ll feel responsible, and she’s a kid, I’ll have done that to her! I don’t wanna give some kid who saved me a bunch of guilt trauma! After all this? …Hell. I… But I can’t do nothin’ –I can’t. I got friends in the Throne, and even if I didn’t, I ain’t about to allow that to keep on goin’. We don’t deserve that; it ain’t right. But if I tell her what I got in mind, she might use a command spell and bind me, so. …But still. I can’t… I can’t…do either, but. …Maybe I could convince her to absolve the contract, and get it done after that and before I vanish, just, once I got more strength? I got my Independent Action that could keep me goin’ for a little—even Gunner, I got a lot of my Archer traits, so, once I’m healed, it might be enough to get- …No. Ain’t enough. She’d still see what happened, and know the only reason I got it done was her. Same problem as before. Shit. Shit, this sucks… I’ll be doing somethin terrible no matter what, then…

And I know myself. And that the thing I’m eventually gonna do is not leave that place standin’ with people like me trapped dyin’ inside it. As much regret and guilt as that’s gonna buy me too…

“What?”

I glance up, and she’s got her head cocked. I gotta stop bein’ an open book here. Let me think…

“About Ur-shanabi,” I start hesitantly, “Master, did—”

Her expression changes drastically to distress and she immediately cuts me off. “—Oh, please don’t call me that.”

I forgot I even said it, so it takes me a second to get what she means. “’Master’?”

“Please?” she says again, “I know you’re supposed to, and I’m supposed to call you my servant, but I really hate that.”

Everything else I’ve been thinkin’ about just kinda shuts off and I stare at her, blink. … Y…yeah, me too. Always…

“You’re all heroes, or famous artists, or explorers, or fighters, and we’re just mages. –I mean, even if it was different, I’m pretty sure I’d still hate it,” she continues with a sigh, somewhere deep in thought in her own head, but she comes back and meets my gaze, “But please don’t. I don’t want you to have to think of me that way either. I guess I don’t know how this all usually works in a lot of detail, and I know you’re stuck bound to me right now, but I don’t want you to worry I’m gonna try to make you obey me. I won’t! That’s not why I helped you!” She looks so intense. Leaned forward, one palm on the bed, look on her face that makes me believe she means it. “I want you to know I’m never gonna do that; I mean it. I won’t ever use a command spell on you to make you do something you don’t want to do, I promise.”

Her eyes are amber and bright like coals and full of intent. I find it impossible to look away.

“Not ever. I don’t want to try to use you or control you; I. …I’m…really just trying to help…” She finishes, pulling back once she’s made her statement and looking just a little embarrassed only now it’s done.

“…Well, good,” I finally find my voice, “Because I’ve never been much for the Master-Servant thing anyway. Can’t ever seem to stick to it, and it tends to cause problems down the road.”

She smiles back, happy with my answer and that I’ve accepted her proposal.

Some kind of a mage... This is…almost too much to really even understand right now, but I think she…meant it. She thinks she did. I’m beginin to think calling her a mage at all was plain off. She’s somethin’ else. I always think the kid’s thrown me for about as many loops as she can, and then I get knocked down again, and it’s been less than a day. Don’t bode well and really does for me at the same time.

“’Boss’ then?” I suggest, but I can instantly sense her dislike.

“’Partner?’” she counters hopefully.

That does have a much better ring to it, I gotta say. “Partner,” I concede with a wink, “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”

Never had a master that wanted me to un-know my place before.

“Well, you could also call me ‘Ritsuka’,” she says hopefully and then immediately becomes embarrassed. “Uhm,” she hurries, glancing away when I grin at her, “A-And you’re sure you prefer ‘Billy’? Not Henry?”

Lord it’s been a while since anyone called me that. Sends me a long, long way back. And not really in a good way. I appreciate the thought though.

“No,” I reply.

She seems surprised a little, but I can tell she’s not gonna press me, so, there’s really no reason to say this, but for some reason I want to tell her.

“That’s my middle name, actually,” I say.

“Huh?” says the girl.

“Henry,” I clarify, “Middle name. It’s William Henry McCarty, actually.”

Her brow furrows. “…But I thought…?”

“Step-dad had the same name, and it was too many for one household, so mine got shortened,” I gloss over, “Took it back when I picked my own name on the lamb.”

“So. …You outlaw-named yourself … ‘Your Name The Hot One’?”

It’s my turn to suffer nickname shame, though I’m not too ashamed of that, because it’s pretty funny. Does suckerpunch me a little to get called on it more than 100 years later.

“…I-I don’t know…” I answer automatically before thinking of what to say, “Maybe. …yeah.”

She almost chokes on a laugh. I grin.

“I mean, if you got the opportunity—wouldn’t you? I’m just sayin,” I say casually, past the slight amount of embarrassment I felt and pretty proud of myself again. It was a slick name.

“It’s got flair,” she says approvingly.

“Thank you,” I reply.

“So, what were you gonna ask—before I interrupted you?” she asks, picking up the cup of tea and offering it to me. I take it, feeling immense guilt as our hands touch for a second and I’m stuck thinkin about all the things she’s done for me for no reason other than bein’ kind, and the fact I’m definitely going to turn on that and her, and how awful that is.

I…wonder if it would make things some kind of right if I came back and let her kill me after? No. No, that’d make it worse. Mage or not, I don’t think this kid’s ever hurt anyone. I don’t know what I can do to soften taking this kind of kindness and drawing blood with it, but…

“Ur-shanabi,” I say quietly, working hard to pass off my internal distress as distraction as I hold the little clay cup and feel the warmth. It smells good. I know I have to drink it, and I’ll feel physically better, but everything nice I accept is piling on guilt.

…I wish. I wish I had a choice here, but I can’t let them keep this goin’. I wish I knew a way to make that right, or at least explain to you I’m sorry. And everything she says and does just makes this worse! I don’t want to hurt her. I really don’t. In any other situation, I wouldn’t, but I have to, and I hate it. I don’t want to betray her. I don’t want to make her regret showing me kindness. I don’t want her to feel the way it feels to not do something cold but safe, and then get shot for it.

Hot water slips over the top of my hand and I jerk back and just spill more of the tea, sucking in a sharp breath at the unexpected pain.

“Whoa! –Are you okay?” she asks worriedly, passing me a napkin and leaning over to catch onto my hand and help steady the cup and what’s left inside it, “What happened? Are you feeling worse again?”

Hell! My hands are shaking and I can’t quite get them to stop. Calm down. You don’t gotta do anything right now. You can feel bad later. Just think a second.

“Nah—s-sorry,” I manage, trying to smile at her and not quite sure how well I do, “I uh—I guess I’m just still a little weaker than I thought. I’m fine now.”

“Here,” she says, brow all scrunched up in concern, taking back the tea and passing me the ice pack to set on my hand.

I hate this. I’m terrible. It ain’t fair—it ain’t wrong for me to go back, I gotta, but. I hate this. I hate it.

I take the pack and try to look grateful. “Thanks.”

“Sorry about your hand,” she says.

I wave it off. “It’s already done hurting.”

“…” She waits a second, leaned a little forward expectantly, and I forget what for until she prompts me again. “What? About Ur-shanabi?”

“Oh,” I say. Right. “I was gonna ask how much you know about their operation. –How you even ended up in the right place at all.”

“Oh,” she says, and she loses some color.

Huh?

“Uhm,” she glances away, then back, and seems more herself, but I’m not sure I buy it this time. I don’t think she’s lyin’, per-se, but there’s something else she’s not saying. “Well. I’m from a mage family, but, not a ‘mage’ family—we know about magic, I did—growing up. But, I didn’t ever get any formal training, or anything. So I guess it was more like mage-adjacent in a lot of ways. There was this test I heard about from a friend—a research project on magical circuits, and I was curious.” She glances down at her legs again, but this time she looks far away and almost happy, like she’s revisiting a better moment in her head. “I’d always been curious about myself and magic, and I was excited, because if you participated in the research project, you got to know stuff they found out about your magical circuits—stuff you might be good at.” She glances up at me and gives me an embarrassed smile. “It sounded really cool. I had wanted to know for so long, and I thought—I still think—it would be really great to learn how to do more magic. So, I went.”

The girl—nope—Ritsuka, thinks for a second, then holds out her hand and looks at it. “Apparently I’ve got really unusual circuits.”

“Unusual?” I echo, kind of intrigued. I know jack-all about magic, but I am curious.

She glances over and nods. “Yeah. I thought I did really badly in the study, because I didn’t know any real spells at all, and everyone else did. They pulled me aside after and I thought they were just going to kick me out before we even got results, but, apparently my circuits were so unusual they wanted to do a case study. I’ve got ‘Almost no practical control or ability to utilize them, but possess a nearly inhuman amount of mana.’”

“Really?” I ask. I can’t feel that at all. I’m getting enough to keep me sustained, sure, but that’s it.

“I know, right?” she agrees, nodding and leaning forward, “That’s what I said! But apparently I do. They asked me if I’d come in to do more studies, and I said yes, because I was also curious. And that was Ur-shanabi. I’ve been going there for a while now,” she adds, then stops, gives me a guilty look, then looks away and keeps going in an almost dejected tone. “Uh. But I worked, or, was allowed in, I guess, a totally different part of the building. You were up on the 12th floor. I was on the 4th, R&D testing labs.”

“Oh,” I say, very confused by this reaction from her, and a little concerned by it too if I’m honest, “What brought you up to the 12th?”

“The mage I met with the most was named Nakata. He worked in a lot of projects more important than mine too. I think that was maybe the only time I was ever on the 12th floor,” she answers, “That day, I showed up and waited for a couple hours, and he never showed up in R&D. There were other people who wanted to use the room we usually used for another test, so I asked if I should go home, and the secretary said yes, but I bumped into Dr. Nakata in the elevator on my way out. He said he’d been swamped by a last-minute schedule change, and still wanted to do our test, but he’d be maybe another hour, and that I should just wait for him by his office. Which, is on the 12th floor. I was just standing there, and this big group of mages went into a large room at the end of the hall, so I was curious and watched them, and.” She shrugs.

Yeah, I can fill in the rest.

“I guess you don’t know a lot about what they were doing with me, then,” I say, a little disappointed. Any new information would have been useful. I don’t know that I expected another answer, though.

“…Actually, yes,” says Ritsuka, looking uncomfortable. I glance at her in surprise and she looks flustered and guilty and glances away again. “Uhm. After I saw you, I asked Dr. Nakata what was going on up here, and who you were.”

You coulda been killed, I think in a frozen kind of horror. What were you thinking?

“He told me,” she says simply, “You were a heroic spirit, and they were doing tests on things you could do using them. He even told me what the test was.”

I don’t know what to think or how to feel about that, so I just listen. I wonder why on earth he’d tell her?

She glances up and holds my gaze this time, an undercurrent of almost…incensed feeling somewhere deep in her eyes. “He said they had found a way to keep a summoned spirit away from the throne for a long time at low mana cost, and instead use the connection to their Saint Graph and essence as a fixed unit outside of time now, to generate a potentially limitless source of energy. To…make a heroic spirit into a battery.” I can tell while the rest of it was her echoing, the last statement is her own, and she’s bitter. “I asked how, and he told me,” she continues, “He said you had to trap one right between life and death, so they would give as little presence as possible to anything looking, and wouldn’t find a way to escape or retaliate on their own, but couldn’t actually vanish either. ‘An art and a science, to find the perfect thread to stop at, and keep them in place on the edge of death.’ Stuck. In pain, and too weak to fight back, but here.”

She lets out a long sigh and glances at me and says, “I said that sounded awful, and what about the spirits, and he told me a lot of stuff about heroic spirits being familiars that are meant to serve mankind in whatever way they’re summoned for, no matter how painful, and aren’t people anymore and that’s their intended use.”

Ow. I mean, it’s not new; I hear this from mages all the time, but it’s never fun to hear one say it right to your face. Fuckin mages…

“But, I think he could tell I didn’t like it, even though I was a little scared by then and trying not to seem as much like it,” she continues, glancing down at her hands, “And he told me ‘Don’t trouble yourself. You’re new to this, but it’s a normal part of being a mage. If it helps you rest easier, the one we summoned was Billy the Kid, an outlaw and a murderer from the old American west,’ a-and. That…” her voice gets quieter, like suddenly she thinks maybe she shouldn’t have said any of this, “…I could think of it as divine punishment, in a way. And not have to feel bad.”

…

That. It really shouldn’t bother me to hear. People always act like that to me. Even when I was alive. I think about being sent to hang for a murder I didn’t commit for a moment. I had so many murders on my record by the end of it, but I’ve never pulled a trigger that wasn’t in self-defense or a last resort. But it’s never mattered. You are what people make of you, in the public eye, and in history I guess, no matter what the truth is. And eventually that tends to push you to an ending written about the person you’re described as. I never thought of any of the fights I was in as murder. I guess it’s been a long time since I could even pretend that mattered to anyone but me, though.

…I still hate it.

It hurts. Not so much people sayin’ that—don’t care too much what people think; I know who I am. But, the fact that it just straight up don’t matter what’s true, at all. Even a little… I could have lived a completely different life and not been remembered as any worse at all.

“He thought I’d agree with that.” Her voice is angry. I glance back up, train of thought broken, and Ritsuka looks as mad as she sounded, somewhere else in her head too. It’s a quiet, deep anger. “I didn’t.”

There’s something about how she looks, like she’s an embodiment of what she’s saying, and again it becomes hard to look away if I’d wanted.

“He was wrong. I guess there are some people who deserve to die,” she continues, “I’ve thought about that. About if I think if…if someone killed my family or something, I’d want them to have to die too for it. If I think that’s fair, and right. But. …Even if some people probably deserve to die, nobody deserves to be just kept in pain forever. Even the worst people. I don’t know how anyone could think after more than a day anybody at all could possibly know it’s right to go on hurting someone. Not even the worst person.” She looks distressed by that for a moment, then glances back at me and smiles a little. “I decided that, and that I was going to try to do something, and then I went home and looked you up, and you didn’t even sound that bad.” Her eyes go big immediately and she looks mortified. “—Wait—That sounded bad! I’m sorry! I-I said that wrong. I—I meant—I didn’t—I just mean—he’d said—uh—a-and you didn’t sound like—it seemed like you weren’t so—like stuff went wrong for you more than you were a bad person actually, a-and you didn’t seem like you were really a murderer—"

The poor kid is sweating buckets now. I think she thinks she’ll have offended me sayin’ that, but it’s very much the opposite.

“—I should stop talking. I’m sorry. I-I just—uhm. You were different sounding than I thought before I looked you up is the only thing I was trying to say—I’m so sorry I don’t know why I said any of it at all!” She gives up and hunches over apologetically in shame.

“…I ain’t mad,” I try to assure her after a second.

Ritsuka glances up between her bangs and gives me a sorrowful, worried look.

“…I…think I actually appreciate that,” I continue after a second, figuring it out as I go and then giving her a smile, “I ain’t sure what you read about me, or how true it was, but I’ll take what goodwill I can get.” She raises her head a little more, but still looks worried, so I keep going. “Ain’t offended me—I get it. You were already thinkin of doin’ something dangerous. Gotta know what you’re in for best you can, with a heroic spirit. Only smart to try’n be prepared.”

Looking a little better, she cautiously un-hunches. “Yeah. …I really didn’t mean to say it how I did, though. I don’t think you’re bad! I mean, I know I don’t know you, but I-”

I hold up a hand. I feel like after all this, I really oughta let her off the hook.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say with a sure smile, “You don’t gotta explain yourself, or tell me what you thought, or what you think now. I don’t have to know. I’m aware you’re takin’ a risk on me, especially with my kind of record, and I appreciate it. Probably ain’t easy for you.”

Shit, haven’t thought about that before, but it’s true. Kid might have command seals, but I’m quick, and she’s not experienced. Pretty much any heroic spirit she summoned that wanted to could kill her easy. She didn’t think to use one immediately to order me to not. I’ve been so strung out and nervous of her, I haven’t thought for a second about the fact she’s probably scared of me.

“…Uhm. In light of that, Ma-  Partner,” I correct, “I’d like to set a few things straight for you, if you don’t mind?”

She seems to recover a little, straightens up and gives me a very serious nod.

“If you’re worried about me, don’t be. Whatever you heard, truth is I never killed anybody except when it was them or me, or I was defendin’ someone else. I never was a fan of it, either. Only crimes I ever set out to commit were thefts, mostly outa need,” I say, “Where I grew up, once you had a reputation, that was all you had left. I stole food when I was on my own at sixteen, and there weren’t no turning back after that. ‘Bout that simple.”

The gal’s listening attentively, head cocked. Takin this serious. And I’m still thinkin over how this has probably been for her. Angering a group of powerful mages is scary enough. Now she’s contracted to an outlaw spirit, and she’s apparently a mage who’s got no real practice usin spells. She’s basically just a civilian. She’s all alone here too, and somethin like sixteen or seventeen, and she’s got no real idea what I’m gonna be like, or want, or do. I’m not in great shape, but I’m still a heroic spirit, and a lot more powerful than her, and I’ve killed people. That’s a pretty good reason to be scared. I don’t want her to be, though. At all.

“I know all you got’s my word on this,” I say, working hard to convey my sincerity, “But it is the truth. More importantly, you saved my life, and I owe you. I really am grateful. I got no plans to try and hurt you; I promise—you got nothing to worry about.”

FUCK. What I’ve just said hits me like a ton of bricks. Fuck, I should’ve phrased that differently!—no no no—damn it damn it; I should have thought about it first! Hell! I am gonna hurt her! Probably. Not physically, which is what I was thinkin’ about when I said that, and meant, but it’s not technically what I said, shit shit shit, I just promised her something I’m gonna break—oh great, and I must have some amount of that showin’ on my face because she actually does look nervous now. I lied and I actually made her more afraid of me. Great job! Damn it damn it damn it.

“I’m really not the kind of person to do that,” I add quickly, trying hard to save it. This is bad this is bad. “I wouldn’t have a reason to anyway, but you definitely don’t gotta worry about me—” Everything I am thinking to say is wrong. All of it. ‘turning on you’ – a lie. ‘repaying that by making you sorry’ – a bigger lie. Shit. And I feel like it now too, more than before. I’m the worst—I’m terrible. I know I don’t have an alternative, and I have to go back, but this is awful, and I feel very appropriate amounts of guilt about it. I deserve this. “attacking you or something,” I go with, even though it sounds weird in my ears, because I don’t want to outright lie again, and even this much is making me feel miserable. “after you’ve been good to me.”

I hate this. I hate myself. Maybe. …Maybe there’s another way, maybe I can… Can…

She smiles for a moment, happy I said that I think, then slowly looks worried. “You look worried.”

Oh. I guess I’m the one who looks worried.

I…

I can’t. There’s nothing I can do to work this out better than it’s gonna be. I just. …I just…

…Fuck it.

“I am,” I say honestly, turning my head to look at her. She’s so sincere, and so worried. She’s been so good to me. I just. … I just… “I’m worried about Ur-shanabi,” I say, so sure I’m going to regret this in seconds, but doing it anyway because of some deep inherent flaw in who I am, “I’m okay right now, but I figure with me gone, they’ll just take another one of us and do the same thing. If they haven’t already.”

I watch slow horror creep over her face as that clicks. “…I. Would…? Oh. They will. And it’ll be my fault.” she says, glazed-over expression on her face.

What? “No!” I say immediately, “That it’s someone else and not me? It ain’t your fault. It’s theirs—they’re the only ones doin’ it, aren’t they?”

She comes back to herself a little and looks at me, but her face is still drained of color.

“It won’t be your fault,” I say again, “That’s ridiculous, and you know it. …They will keep doin’ it, though. Probably to more and more of us, if they can. Probably they’ll sell the idea to other mages too.” I hesitate, give myself one last solid chance to reconsider this, and don’t. Just pray for luck. I’ve gotten a lot of it the last 24 hours—maybe I have a pinch left. “…Unless I find a way to go back and stop them pretty fast. It’s that, or this is gonna keep happening to us. And it’s only gonna get worse. …I got friends, in the throne. …I don’t want that to happen to any of them. Even for the ones I don’t know, even the ones I don’t like, it’s like you said: nobody deserves that. So. I think. …I gotta go back.”

Her eyes are huge and I can see her running what this means, trying to process it all. I’m praying she’ll agree with me, but it’s such a long shot to get from an idealistic teen.

“Please!” I try, going for the best pitch I can before she decides to force me not to, “I-I know you’ve met those people, and I’m askin’ a lot, but at least think about it. You helped me because you knew what they were doing was wrong—I know it too, and I’m the only one in a position to shut it down. I can’t do nothing, and this is the only way to end it. You don’t know what it’s like. We-“ I’m getting to desperate, and I know it, but I hold up a hand and plow on because so long as I keep talking, she isn’t, and I don’t know what else to try. “—Our bodies are pretty close to what they were before; we feel pain the same, we can just survive more of it. I-I’m lucky, I got shot—I’ve known spirits who were bled to death, or hung, or burned, or decapitated—you can’t imagine what it would be like to be stuck chained down forever with your head just not quite severed all the way enough to kill you. I know it’s not your fight, and it’s not fair for me to ask this, but I have to try and stop them. And I—can’t. Without an anchor. Please...”

Maybe this won’t be a terrible idea. Maybe it won’t backfire on me immediately. Maybe she’ll let me go. Maybe she’ll understand. Maybe I won’t have to—

For a moment, she stares at me, motionless. Then her eyes well up.

Damn it. Damn it; I knew! I knew she’d feel like she had to stop me, and I showed her my hand because I felt bad, and now promise or no, she—

“I’m so sorry…” she whispers, and I’m fully expecting the threat of a command spell to follow that, but instead she tucks her knees up to her chest and folds over into a little ball and starts crying again.

I don’t…rightly know what to do about that, so for a second I just stare at her like an idiot.

“I know it was bad,” I hear muffled and choked up from the little bundle she’s made herself into, “I. I don’t—don’t know how awful it was, I know, but I know it was—I know it was so bad. And it’s my fault it was you.”

What?

“You have to go back?” she asks pleadingly, looking up at me for a second from over her knees, like she’s asking me if I gotta go die in a war, “What if they catch you and put you back where you were? O-or kill you and just summon you into a trap again? I’ll never get back in if—”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘your fault’?” I ask, still stuck on that and very lost again. So much so she’s halfway through her next paragraph before I even clock that me potentially getting trapped again is the only thing she has immediately objected to.

Ritsuka looks at me with her big, tearful eyes, then looks defeatedly at her knees. “…I. One day, several months ago, I showed up for a research day and Doctor Nakata had these boxes on the table, and a bunch of papers.” The kid looks and sounds completely miserable, and exhausted.  “I didn’t know what any of it was, so I asked him. He said it was for another project, and to just wait a few minutes while he packed it up. …And then he changed his mind, and said actually, would I come over? He told me they were deciding between a few candidates for a project, and at this point it didn’t really matter which one they started with, and would I like to pick one. I asked what the project was, and he said it was a secret. But, it looked so important, and cool, and I wanted to be involved, so I said yes please, and I went up and picked. I didn’t know what they were.”

Ritsuka grimaces and looks sadder, rests her chin on her knees and exhales slowly. “No, I think I did. I just didn’t know what they were for. I could sense they were all magical, and they were all odd, and specific. An old little clay vase. A shuriken. An earring. A coin. A letter. And a photograph.”

I stare. She makes herself look up at me, and I can see how sorry she feels. “I picked the photograph.”

Ah.

“He even told me later,” she adds quietly, all the spunk gone, “That I picked you. When I asked, after seeing—”

“Good.”

She looks up quickly, surprised.

“I appreciate you feelin’ bad for me,” I continue sympathetically, “But it ain’t your fault, what happened to me. You didn’t know what was goin’ on, and if it hadn’t been me, it’d have just been someone else. Luck of the draw; just how life happens. On top of that, they’d have gone after every one of us on that list eventually, and if I hadn’t been here and now with you, I might not have ever gotten out.” It’s true, and I give her a smile. “Also, this whole thing is a pretty big relief.”

“A relief?” she echoes, confused.

I nod. “You get summoned with a catalyst, ain’t much you can do but show up, like it or not, but I wanted to answer the call when I got it. Up till now I thought my sixth sense had plain stopped workin’ or something. I guess it was actually just because I thought I was answerin’ your call.”

She looks confused for a moment, then smiles slowly. “…Really?”

I give a little head tilt. “Best I can guess.” I honestly don’t know if a summon can work that way at all, but I’d like to think so, and why not? Makes us both feel better.

I meet her gaze and try and get her to smile back, and this time it works.

“I really am sorry,” she says, “even if you’re not mad.”

“Well thank you,” I say, accepting the apology, “But consider it behind us.”

Something she said earlier that I had running in the back of my head comes through hard, and I feel the bottom of my stomach drop out.

“…You said a coin?” I ask, really, really, really hoping my gut feeling is wrong for once.

She nods, catching my expression and getting sympathetically worried along with me.

“…Was it kinda silver, with a face on one side, and a short cross and some words on the back?” I ask.

“Uh. I only saw one side, but it did have a face,” she says nervously.

“Was there a scratch across it? Deep? Diagonal on the face?”

“Yeah,” she says, surprised, “How did you know? What is it?”

Oh no. Oh shit that’s bad. Okay. Okay, this is gonna be okay. I can figure this out. He might not even be here yet, and I can snag the coin and he’ll be fine. All this means for sure is that I have to figure this out, more than before now.

“A friend,” I answer when I remember I need to, “—a catalyst to summon one, I mean.”

“Oh,” she says in a voice like I feel.

For a moment, we look at each other in silence. I got no idea what she’s thinking, but my mind’s far away and frantic, trying to piece together some kind of plan.

“…What do we do?” she asks.

“Huh?”

“You said you gotta go back in,” says Ritsuka as I refocus on her, and I can see she’s come to some kind of decision, “And need me to help, and now you know they’re gonna hurt your friend unless we can stop them. I’ll help you, but I don’t know how. How do we go back and stop them?”

I gape.

“…You…want to help me?”

She gives a nod, looking confused that I’d ask her.

“You-? I mean—it might. …I might have to…shoot someone,” I say. Wow. Great job Billy you sure did sugar coat that and make it sound real fine. Nicely done.

Her eyes widen, and she glances away, hesitates. Then says slowly, “…But if we don’t, they’ll keep torturing heroic spirits for energy.” Working through it herself.

“That’s about it,” I agree sympathetically. It…can’t be easy for her. She’s a civilian, a kid. And she seems like a bleedin’ heart who doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She’s already been a lot more understanding towards my perspective than I expected.

“…So it’ll be bad either way,” she says finally, looking back and meeting my gaze.

I’m kind of taken aback that she’s put it into almost the same words I did to myself, but I nod.

“…That sucks,” she says to herself sadly.

“Yeah,” I agree quietly, looking at my own knees and thinking it over.

“…Is there a way to do it without killing anyone?” she asks after a second, hopeful.

Probably not. Even if I destroyed the whole building, there’s the people in charge who know how to do it, and can and will rebuild. I think she can see that on my face, because her expression falls.

“I…don’t know for sure,” I answer, “But. I think…probably not. … They’d rebuild. –Not all of them—not all of them would know how, but, at least a few will.”

She stares off at nothing, thinking.

I feel worse, somehow. Thought I was doing the nicer thing, basically giving her a chance to stop me, and risking my success. But. Now I think maybe I’ve accidentally been more heartless.

She shouldn’t have to carry a choice like this. Life ain’t fair, and I know that, but I’m finding I like being on the giving end of that even less than the receiving.

“…How old are you?”

The mage turns and looks at me, surprised, and flushes a little. “…I. S-seventeen?”

“Yeah?” I ask.

She nods.

Seventeen. She’s about the age I was when my life started really fallin apart. I hate being a part of that for someone else. I don’t want to.

“You don’t have to have anything to do with it,” I offer quietly, “You could dissolve our contract. Fifty-fifty chance I get the job done before I vanish, fifty—”

“—No!” she cuts in adamantly before I’m even halfway through my pitch, “No way! You’d get trapped there again! That’d be even worse! I made a deal with you to protect you if you trusted me! I’m not just gonna abandon you now.”

I blink. Tilt my head, taken aback by her fervor.

Did you? Is that what the contract was to her? I try to recall her words. ‘My soul becomes your will; your spirit becomes my destiny.’ Right, she said that wrong. But what I want to remember is before that. I try hard. “Please—If you die, they’ll summon you back! I-I can ground you! I can keep you here!” I can’t see much in the image in my head, but I can hear it, I can feel it—the pain and her hand on mine.

…I guess she did.

I don’t know how to respond to that. Look down at my own hand, playing it again in my head.

The kid is thinking still, her brow furrowed with worry. Taps the edge of the little bedside table agitatedly with a finger. “…So. Either we find a way to destroy their research, and get any other spirits they have out, and…maybe fight some of the people in charge,” she says finally, “…or they keep on doing this to you all, forever. There’s no other way things can go? You’re sure?”

I’ve already thought about it, but she’s so sincere and sad I think again, and then nod.

She sees that and glances at her hands and then back at me. “Then. …I guess we have to go back and stop them. You’re right.”

I stare at her. A-are you serious? Even as such a bleeding heart, you really—?

“But nobody gets hurt that doesn’t have to, okay?” she adds fervently, “And. I-I want to try to talk to the people in charge first! I know they won’t change their minds and it’s probably a waste, but.”

“—We can try,” I agree readily, overcome with relief, “Are you sure, though? You don’t have to stay contracted to me, and you sure as hell don’t have to come. You—you’ve already taken a lot of risks for me, big ones, and I know I’m basically returnin that favor by involving you in bloodshed. I don’t want to do that.”

It’s her turn to look surprised, and she blinks and tilts her head right back at me, and for some reason it makes me feel a whole lot better and a whole lot worse at the same time. But also more like I understand her.

“You’re not doing anything to me,” she says simply, “They’re the ones doing something that has to be stopped. It’s not your fault you’re the one who knows about it.”

I…guess that’s true. Feel like I’m getting my own words thrown back at me; maybe I am.

“It sucks,” she adds, “And I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt anybody, or get anyone else hurt. But. Mom and Dad always said it’s just as bad to stand by and let somebody be hurt as it is to hurt them yourself, if you could have done something about it. So. I want to help you, and I will.”

“You’re sure?” I ask again, “It’s…it’s a whole lot, and it ain’t gonna be easy, or safe, and you’re—” If I say ‘a kid’ I think she’s gonna get offended because I would have when I was seventeen. “Young. It shouldn’t be on you to fix.”

“Well, you’re young too,” she says.

Ow. I’m twenty-one. I know I’m short, but at least I’m an adult.

“And you’re mostly dead, so let’s just agree it’s unfair for both of us, but we’re partners, and someone has to do it, and we’re here, so that’s us,” she says very diplomatically.

I give up and sigh, then offer her a hand. “If you’re sure, Partner.”

She takes my hand and shakes it.

“So, what can I do?” she asks as she lets go.

“Well, anything you know about the building’s layout’ll help, and what defenses they might have. Mostly, I just need to get back to fighting shape,” I answer.

She nods. “Food, then?”

I give in again and smile. “Thanks.”

[marcilled]

[this is gonna be a big long post about minecraft youtuber drama... press J to scroll past this if you don’t care about that. lol. sorry]

idunno if anybody took my post the other day as me “cancelling dream for cheating in a videogame”, i posted it mostly out of bemusement of the whole situation, and because that video was really well put-together. (context: his 1.16 speedruns were disqualified by the minecraft speedrun.com moderators & there was a video & document explaining why).

I definitely don’t correlate cheating a speedrun w/ ableism, racism, etc etc. I already knew about a lot of nasty shit dream has done, like the video he did with Notch, and how all of his early content was about pewdiepie, just further normalizing those two to his young audience. I’ve always disliked him for those things, which I’ve been aware of pretty much as long as I’ve known of him, and he has never apologized for those things. It’s why whenever I posted about him before (which was... maybe once or twice?), I always say “don’t stan him or anything he sucks”.

I had no idea there was so much more to it honestly. It’s kind of galling seeing the full context now, because whenever I’ve seen any kind of criticism against him, it’s been him presenting it in an apology. I dunno why I wasn’t suspicious of this given what I already knew about him, but the guy seems to be very clever with how he damage controls any sort of possible controversy regarding him. He presents a really heartfelt, honest apology for whatever happened and gives a few cherrypicked examples of things that people said about him and says how wrong he was and how he doesn’t want to alienate his viewers.

The fact that it’s Dream presenting the evidence of his controversies, means that he gets to control how the conversation goes. Instead of a popular “mcyt” stan account getting to control the conversation, pointing out the shit he’s said and done, he addresses it in a livestream, and does not provide the original context. Huh, I wonder why. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want everyone to see that his mistakes are more than just little “oopsies”, it’s him being actively malicious and getting so defensive that he tells off anybody who could possibly disagree with his view of things.

While his actions and words are pretty horrid on their own, I think the thing that has me most concerned about Dream is... He seems pretty fuckin’ good at manipulating peoples’ perception of him.

-----

After the video about his speedruns being cheated came out the other day, he had this to say on twitter (this is his second, “personal” account):

Now, as I said before, cheating in a videogame isn’t at all comparable to racism or ableism. What I’m trying to point out here is his response to any sort of criticism.

The video he’s referring to is this one, published by Geosquare 2 days ago (dec 11th). What’s interesting to note here is how he singles out Geosquare specifically in this tweet. If you click on the video, the first few seconds establishes that it’s a video made by the entire Minecraft java edition speedrunning mod team (which is made up of a team of over a dozen people). The video and document was a true team effort from every single one of them, and it only got posted to Geosquare’s account (& got his narration) because he’s already a youtuber with a pretty comfortable amount of subscribers.

So, instead of pointing his ire (and those of his many, many fans) at the whole speedrun mod team, instead, he points it squarely on Geosquare, so that people have a convenient name to latch onto. He then accuses Geosquare of using his name as “clickbait” in order to get “easy views”, sowing the seed of this idea that Geosquare is doing this in an opportunistic grab for personal gain. If you clicked on the video and saw the description/pinned comment, you’d see that not only did Geosquare disable monetization on the video, he disabled monetization on his entire channel for as long as this drama goes on (and he knew there would be drama, dream made extra sure to threaten the mods with a video of his own in retaliation if they ended up banning him).

Then, in a reply to the first tweet, he says that there are “multiple moderators” messaging him saying the verdict was “biased” and that they may quit the mod team. He provides no evidence for this. However, if you click on the tweet and view any of the thousands of replies from his fans, it doesn’t matter that he gave no evidence, his word is enough. If you’re wondering, Geosquare and a few other mods have stated many times that it was a group decision on their part, and nobody had any question in their mind that Dream must have cheated. So... Dream, who are these “mods” that are messaging you? He won’t say.

Lastly here, I want to point out that in his next tweet on the matter, he makes this very bitter comment about how useless it was for them to investigate a “16th place run”. It’s a minor detail, but I think it’s worth mentioning; this kind of downplays how impressive his run was at the time. At the time he submitted his sub-20 minute speedrun, it was a top 5 run, in a very competitive category of speedrunning the game. In the 2 months since, several people have passed his time using new strats, but that doesn’t diminish the fact it was a pretty amazing “run”... if it weren’t cheated of course. But, I’m just rambling on about how petty I am about him cheating at this point so let me get back to the main point here.

If you see the numbers on these tweets (hundreds of thousands of likes), you’ll understand why this is pretty scary for those speedrun mods. The same day this happened Geosquare joked around “I’ve only gotten one death threat so far!”. Dream’s fanbase is unparalleled in minecraft youtube, and incredibly sizeable for a youtube channel overall. If you’re not familiar with this new wave of “mcyt” minecraft accounts, it’s... it’s pretty much exclusively because of Dream’s fame. He’s the driving force of minecraft youtube content right now. Any youtuber who even breathes near the guy blows up in subscribers & views. His minecraft server, “Dream SMP”, is like... it has a legitimate cultural impact, whether that sentence disgusts you or not. Especially for young gen Z kids.

The point I’m trying to make is, ever since he came onto the scene in early 2019, he’s grown and grown at exponential rates, and I can’t understate the kind of influence he has on not just his own fans, but the fans of like. Pretty much anyone who is plugged in to anything minecraft youtube related right now.

People have discussed this before, but Dream’s sudden rise to fame happened shockingly quick. So quick that it’s almost impossible it were by accident. He’d spent something like a year or two studying how the youtube algorithm works, how famous youtubers grow their popularity, etc. He spent a lot of time studying, and it paid off for him. It makes me wonder if he’s studied how youtubers deal with controversy as well. Because it seems like he’s doing everything right to keep his fans “loyal” to him.

So I think it’s not unreasonable to say that it is pretty goddamn concerning when he reacts to criticism like this. His immense fanbase, who are often worryingly obsessed with him, of mostly impressionable kids... It’s a recipe for disaster, in the hands of someone so entitled and immature.

I think what really has me worried, though, is a video he published to his second channel the other day. Recently, he published a video about his “stans”. The entire video essentially boiled down to him disputing claims that “dream stans” were toxic, or that stanning people or “stan culture” was creepy/unhealthy. He spent a lot of the video comparing stans of content creators to passionate fans of football teams, and expressed repeatedly how he thought it was normal and OK to be totally obsessed with a content creator and engage in “stan culture”, as long as you weren’t being a legitimate stalker. He pretty much only talked about the positives of being a Dream Stan, and how positive the “community” is. The whole video painted this really idealistic image of what it means to be a Stan of a person, and fandom in general.

Now... I don’t know about everyone else reading this, but I found that video to be... incredibly creepy and weird. It completely ignores any actual arguments about how stan culture can be unhealthy, and how engaging so heavily in parasocial relationships can be quite damaging, especially to younger people.

But, mostly? It seemed like the whole video was basically designed just to reinforce the most unhealthy impulses of his stans, and reward them with the positive encouragement that he actually enjoys it when they are obsessed with him so much that they can’t imagine he could ever possibly do anything wrong.

And that? That is fucking dangerous for a person with such a huge fanbase to be peddling to their fans.

Surely, he must know- a great deal of his fans are so obsessed with him, that they think they know him as well as, if not more than, a personal friend. So that when he does something disagreeable and wrong, and he claims “no that’s not how it happened, they’re biased and trying to cancel me because they’re jealous”, they just take that at face value, because why would he lie? He’s so honest and genuine in his videos and livestreams!

This sort of behavior from Dream, along with his tweets I posted earlier, reads to me as if he knows exactly what he’s doing. I think he is purposefully insulating his fans from the truth of his actions, so that he can present this idealistic picture of him in their mind, so that it seems absurd that he would do something wrong.

I think it’s only a matter of time before it comes out he’s done something much worse, honestly. What it is, is hard to say- he’s already done so much that anyone reading this should rescind their support for him, imo. But, I know that none of this matters to his millions of fans. While I worry for them, I also worry for anyone who becomes a target of Dream. I could see this speedrunning drama being the start of a downward spiral for him. Things could get real ugly with all that minecraft clout getting to his head... I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

TL;DR, dream sucks, and not just because he cheats at videogames.

I apologize again for writing a multi paragraph post about a minecraft youtuber. I will not post about this anymore (probably) please do not unfollow me .

[downwiththeficness]

A Need So Great-Chapter 14

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count: ~3,300

Warnings: Smut

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash @maybege @kid-from-new-zealand @clydesducktape @revolution-starter @autumnleaves1991-blog @jedi-mando @buckysalefty @anaeve

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8.5, 9, 10, 10.5, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

The ocean was huge. Wind blowing her hair around her face as Eva sat on the cliff’s edge, her feet swinging. The waves were rushing towards her, the tide coming in. She could taste salt in the air, could feel a light spray even from this height. This was really, really nice.

Footsteps sounded behind her, Horacio ambling up the slight incline. He was wearing a t shirt and jeans, a far cry from his normal attire. Eva admired the way the denim clung to his legs, the shirt stretching to accommodate the breadth of his body. She gave him a little wave before turning her attention back to the water. He sat down next to her. They had spent almost a week at the house, their existence a soft moseying pace that belied the very real danger to their lives.

“Do you come here a lot?”

He shook his head, “I used to, back before I took the badge. The work kind of got in the way of taking any time off.”

She had seen that first hand, could tell that he was desperately soaking up the softness of this little hideaway, storing it for when he needed it most. Tucked away as they were, Eva could almost forget all of the turmoil waiting for them when they returned. She imagined he felt nearly the same way.

“Shame that you’re here under these circumstances.  This is a nice place.”

Eva could see him look at her from the corner of her eye. He placed a hand atop hers, “Its not a shame, just a compromise.”

Her mouth thinned, “Still…” She trailed off, not sure where she was going with the sentence.

He squeezed her hand, “Up. Dinner’s ready.”

Eva was not much of a cook, though she was pretty good at making staple foods.  Horacio, on the other hand, clearly learned something from his mother. The way he handled himself in the kitchen was much like he did at work—mission oriented. Eva would sometimes sit at the dining table and flip through an old magazine, not really reading it.  She like to watch him move around, a knife in hand to chop vegetables, or flipping over meat in the pan to brown it.

Today’s meal was a stuffed pepper, spices wafted in the air. He’d made rice to go alongside it. From the cellar, he’d pulled a bottle of wine, two glasses already waiting at their usual spots. Eva couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she sat down.  He’d already plated their food and she leaned down, inhaling.  

“This looks amazing,” she murmured, picking up her fork, “Thank you.”

He made a non-committal sound, as he usually did when she complimented him on his cooking. She cast him a long glance, noting that he was avoiding her gaze by pouring the wine. He did that a lot, took the praise she gave him and pulled it inside himself. She could tell he was pleased by the little flush across his cheeks, but other than that, it was as if he hadn’t heard her. She wondered if that was a product of his life—couldn’t be too eager for approval.

After dinner, Horacio left her on the couch to do a walk of the perimeter, as he did every evening before they locked up. It would take one of his patented interrogation techniques to get her to admit how attractive it was to watch him load a rifle and take the path around the house and out towards the woods.

He would be gone for an hour or so, depending on what he decided needed further investigation. Eva passed the time by taking a long shower and reading yet another way too old magazine in bed. The bedroom windows were open and the breeze was carrying the smell of the ocean inside.

The sun was almost set when he came back, moving into the bedroom and storing the rifle in a case that he kept laying on the chest at the foot of the bed. He straightened and looked at her for a long moment.

“What?” she asked, feeling anxious under his steady stare.

His expression softened, “I like you like this.”

Laughing softly, she lifted a brow, “You mean wearing a t shirt I’ve owned for five years and my hair still wet because I couldn’t be bothered to dry it?”

The corner of his mouth quirked up, “I mean relaxed.”

Eva supposed that she was relaxed, though she had every reason not to be. She liked him relaxed, too.

“I feel safe.”

Jaw going lax, he regarded her for a few more seconds before giving a curt nod and turn, “I’m gonna get cleaned up.”

Eva noticed that he took a little longer in the shower than usual, had done so since they got to the safe house.  She tried not to read into it too deeply, knowing that he was off his schedule. And, everyone needed alone time.

When he left the bathroom, steam billowed out behind him, carrying the scent of his body wash. He was wearing his usual boxer briefs in a deep maroon. It was a good color for him, accenting the warm undertones of his skin. She stared at him, unabashed, and wondered how she’d gotten so lucky as to share a bed with such a beautiful man.

“What?” he asked, noting her look as he crawled in beside her to lay on top of the covers.

Eva set her magazine on the night stand and rolled to her side, bracing on her palm so that she hovered above his prone body.

“I like you like this.”

In the next second, Eva got to see those adorable dimples, his teeth flashing as he smiled. She leaned down and kissed him affectionately.

When he spoke next, his voice reverberated against her ear where it lay on his chest. He toyed with her hand, threading his fingers through it.

“We’ve come a long way these last few months.”

She hummed, nodding. His hand was calloused in a few places, the longer fingers curling over her palm. Her hand looked small when he held it, her wrist even smaller, her forearm positively tiny when compared to his.

“I never would have guessed after that meeting that I’d get to bring you here.”

Eva grinned, looking up at him, “I was a fucking mess after that meeting. I hope you know that.”

The features of his face tightened in a peculiar way, an involuntary twitch.

Eva’s grin widened, “That was an inside thought.”

Laughing, Horacio admitted, “It was.”

“Tell me.”

He started to shake his head, but Eva shifted to her belly, resting her weight on one elbow. She said his name in four long, drawn out, teasing syllables.

Pulling his lips between his teeth and releasing them, he simply said, “I was also a fucking mess.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he echoed, one hand coming up to run over his face, top to bottom. He covered his eyes, chin tilting up, “I…” deep sigh, “I went into rut after that meeting.”

Her brows hit her hairline, “Really?”

He dropped his hand to the pillow beside his head, the fingers relaxed, “I told you it took less than twenty four hours for me to start trying to figure out how to see you again.”

“Yeah,” Eva confirmed, “But I assumed you were just, I don’t know, thinking about me.”

Smirking, he said, “Oh, I was.”

Her breath caught a little bit, arousal blooming in her belly as she imagined him in rut, helplessly trying to get off as he thought about her.

Voice dropping low, Eva prompted, “Really?”

His eyes darkened as he tucked her hair behind her ear, “I barely made it home before I—I didn’t even get past the front door. Just dropped down to the floor and thought about how delicious you smelled, the things I wanted to do to you.”

Blood heating in her veins, Eva swallowed around a dry throat, “What kinds of things?”

Horacio’s arm tightened around her, his eyes dropping to her mouth, “That I wanted to kiss you. That I should have thrown you down on that table in front of that idiot manager and fucked you through at least three orgasms.”

Her breath left her in a rush. She worked hard to keep herself calm. He didn’t talk that much about his fantasies, and she was desperate to hear more from him. Eva did not want to interrupt.

She kissed him softly in encouragement, “What else?”

Breathing her name, he ran his thumb over her mouth, “I could scent that you were aroused when you sat down. I wanted to lick that sweetness from the source, use my fingers to scoop it out of you. I spent hours imaging what it would be like to pull your legs over my shoulders and kiss this pretty pussy.”

The fingers of one of his hands had traced up her inner thigh in a lazy caress. He cupped her, massaging very gently. She gasped lifting her leg over his hip to open up for him.

“We’re very lucky you haven’t had a heat cycle yet. Given how I was in my last rut, I’d probably lose my fucking mind.”

Eva flinched, feeling guilty.

“What was that?” he asked, head lifting off the pillow to regard her closely.

She floundered, trying to come up with a suitable lie.

“Eva,” he warned, “What was that?”

Voice small, she said, “I’ve had a heat recently.”

His head cocked to the side, “Before we met?”

She shook her head, “No it was after we met, after we started seeing each other.”

He blinked, “That’s impossible, I would have known.”

Unable to keep eye contact she admitted, “You weren’t there. It was when you were gone for that mission.”

He processed that for several seconds, his eyes narrowing more and more, “Your voice was strange on the phone.”

Eva nodded, “I was on the upswing of it. It got...more interesting over the next few days.”

Horacio’s brows furrowed, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Eva was torn by the honest, confused expression he was giving her, as if he couldn’t even fathom that she’d hide it from him. Guilty, she offered the only explanation she had.

“You were so excited. You said you thought you had a real chance at ending the whole cartel. How could I take that away from you? Especially since we’d only slept together a handful of times. It would have been selfish to ask you to set that aside for me.”

Stop talking, Eva, she thought.

Pushing off with one hand, he rolled her beneath him, resting his weight on his palms. Eva looked up at him silently, trying to gauge his thoughts.

“You’re not going to do that again,” he asserted, the muscles in his jaw ticking, “I will be with you during your next heat, no matter what is going on at the office.”

Lifting a hand, Eva brushed his cheek, his stubble scratching a little.  Since they’d come out here, he hadn’t been shaving every day and she found that she liked that he had something more than a five ‘o clock shadow.

“I’m going to need verbal agreement on this, Eva.”

“Okay,” she replied. “I’ll tell you next time.”

“Good.” He dropped to his elbows, resting a little more of his weight on her, “Now, I told you mine. Its your turn to tell me yours.”

Eva’s face went red hot, heat soaking every pore. Her eyes slid to the side as she contemplated how much information she was going to give him about a heat that she had only a moment ago admitted that she’d had.

Moving in close, his voice a deep rasp, he ordered, “Dime, amorcita. How did you get through it?”

She sucked in a breath, her body curling into him a little bit.  When she tried to rise up to kiss him, he used one hand to hold her down to the mattress, his chin canted down.

Eva’s mind flashed back to that day, her body clenching as she remembered the rush of pleasure, the cramps of pain when she couldn’t assuage the need.

“I slept some, woke up coming. My skin was too sensitive. And, at first, I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t until I was on the couch,” she stopped, biting her lip.

Her voice was a raspy thing, the words halting. She cleared her throat, squirming beneath his weight.

Horacio ran a soothing hand down her side, “What happened on the couch?”

“I touched myself, I felt like I would die if I didn’t come.”

Eyes full of fire, he asked, “And, did you make yourself come?”

She nodded.

“How many times?”

“Twice.”

With both hands, he pushed up her t-shirt to rest just underneath her breasts, “What happened next?”

Eva’s fingers curled into fists beside her hips, “You called.”

His eyes shot to hers, “And you lied to me.”

“No,” she cried, “I just...avoided the subject.”

Horacio’s nostrils flared in annoyance, “But, you’re not going to do that again.”

“N—no.”

He gave on sharp nod in acknowledgment of her submission, “Good. What happened after that?”

His hands followed a twin path over her sides to her hips to her thighs, all the way to her knees. Wrapping his hands around them, he pulled them up and over his body, pulling the cradle of her hips into alignment so that she could feel him hardening against her core.

“I had to crawl to the bedroom,” she continued, the flush of her arousal mixing with the feeling of embarrassment. “I didn’t make it to the bed before I had to come again.”

Kissing her collarbone, he asked, “Did you use your fingers?”

She nodded, gripping his biceps for purchase as he scraped his teeth along her skin.

“Did you use your fingers the whole time?”

Swallowing, Eva shook her head, knowing where this was going and completely unable to stop it. He’d gotten into a line of questioning, and she knew he’d see it through to the end.

“What did you use?”

She hesitated long enough that he stopped nuzzling her skin and looked up at her, waiting for an answer. When she didn’t say anything, he moved up her body, kissing her cheek sweetly, then her forehead, her chin, her jaw, everywhere but where she wanted him.

“What did you use?” he repeated, his breath fanning over her lips.

Eva struggled to breathe, “I used a toy—to help.”

Thumb rubbing her bottom lip, eyes focused on that sensitized patch of skin, he asked, “A vibrator?”

She shook her head, tongue peeking out to touch the pad of this thumb, “A dildo.”

With a little groan, he kissed her, putting a little pressure on her jaw so that she would open for him. Pulling in a sharp breath, he leaned back, an arm sneaking around her waist to hold her to him.

“Did it help you get what you needed?”

Again, she shook her head, “It helped some, but I was still hurting through most of it.”

His expression hardened just a bit, a barely perceptible glare. Needing to soothe that ire, Eva reached up with both hands and slid her thumbs into the muscle at the base of his skull, kneading. His eyes closed just a little, jaw relaxing.

“Did it,” he cut himself off with a sigh when she ground a knuckle into the tense muscle. He leaned into it, his head tilting to the side, “Did it have a knot?”

“Yes,” she whispered, biting the inside of her cheek when his hips flexed forward, grinding against her.

He kissed her again, a hard press of his lips, “Did you fuck yourself with it, push it inside you?”

Between kisses, she nodded. The memory of the relieving pressure scoring through her, her body arching up into him.

“But it wasn’t enough.”

It was sentence, a declaration, not a question. He knew it, she knew it.

“No,” she warbled, tilting her hips towards him, hands roaming over his strong shoulders and back, pulling him to her to that the wasn’t an inch between them. “I wanted more. Wanted you.”

In a swift motion, he pulled off her t shirt, throwing it over the side of the bed carelessly. His hands found her breasts, pushing them up to his mouth. Long licks, a pinch of skin, teeth scraping. Eva hissed  a breath, her body fairly vibrating with pleasure.

“You wanted my knot, didn’t you?” When she didn’t reply, he swatted her thigh lightly, drawing her attention, “Didn’t you?”

Her eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, she made an ‘uh huh’ sound that cracked on the highest pitch.  He was hard against her, his hips rocking in a sharp rhythm that, had he been inside her, would have prodded against her cervix. Sweat beaded on her belly and thighs, pooling in the hollow of her throat. He licked at it, drawing her briefly into his mouth.

“You’d let me do it now, wouldn’t you? Let me knot you in this bed.”

The image seared through her, burning away any restraint she might have had—which was, admittedly, not much to begin with. Feet on the sheets, she used any leverage she could get to put more friction on her cunt, each roll of her hips more frenzied than the last.

“Yes, alpha.”

Growling, Horacio pushed his face into the bend of her neck, hands slipping underneath her and to her shoulders where he held her steady. Mouth opening, he ran his teeth over the long line from shoulder to jaw before settling on the scent gland he’d marked.  Though the bruising had healed, Eva could still see the faint scratch across it where his teeth had dug in. He sucked on it hard, sure enough to leave yet another bruise.

Eva wailed, a broken, sobbing thing, as she came. Nails digging into his back, she bowed up tight.  Distantly, she could heard him praising her, his voice rough.  He let her rut against him until her body eased down from the orgasm, and then he was pushing his briefs down and grasping himself, roughly stroking.

She took in the sight of him, chin down, breathing hard, working to get off. It stunned her how badly she wanted to memorize this moment, and how badly she wanted to seem him come. Both hands caressing downwards, she hooked the fingers of one hand into her panties, pulling them to the side. With two fingers of the other, she slotted them into her folds, opening them up to give him an unobstructed view of how wet he’d made her.

He choked on a gasp, groaning as his fist sped up. It only took a few pumps before he was spilling across her stomach, his head hanging low in relief. When he was spent, he collapsed to his side, trying to catch his breath.

Eva giggled, feeling more than a little lightheaded. He glanced at her, his mouth spreading wide in a smile. He picked up her hand from where it lay at her side, pressing a kiss to the inside of her wrist and holding it to his chest.  She could feel his heart beat beneath his skin, a steadily slowing rhythm.

When he’d calmed a little, he rose and went to the bathroom, bringing a wet cloth to wipe her down. Moving around the room, he closed the windows, locking them tight, before doing the same with the door. After turning off the lights, he eased into the bed and gathered her to his chest.  Eva held his arm to her body, threading her fingers in his.

[yikesharringrove]

oh god okay feel free to ignore this if you want, idk? but um ive been really struggling with eating lately (like i just kinda panicked about the thought of eating?) and you're really good at writing all this kind of stuff so maybe billy struggling with eating after starcourt (for medical and mental reasons) and steve helping but still bring gentle and encouraging (totally okay if this is a sensitive for you or if you don't want to write it 💕)

This is pretty heavy.

Under the cut for medical stuff, disordered eating, talks of throw up (nothing graphic), me projecting.

The first bit under the cut is my medical story, so skip that if you would like.

Read on Ao3

-

So, oof. A little background. I spent three years misdiagnosed when I was young. I was so sick and in so much pain (one of my organs had literally died) that I couldn’t eat. If I did, I was in such severe pain I would throw up. I was 5 feet tall and weighed 62 pounds. If I had lost 2 pounds, I would’ve had an intestinal feeding tube. The doctors thought I just had an eating disorder from doing ballet. They would look at my chart, see another chronic illness I have, and blame my pain on that. They found what was wrong BY ACCIDENT and fixed it within a few hours in one (1) surgery.

So this is based largely on that.

-

He pushed the mashed potatoes around the plate.

“I thought hospital food was supposed to be like, bad. This is pretty alright.” Steve had wolfed down the plate he had gotten himself, not paying much attention to how the plate he had brought Billy was still full.

“Yeah. It’s okay.” He had taken one bite.

He felt fucking sick.

The thought of food, of something in his sore stomach, made him want to hurl.

“You’re not eating?” Steve’s eyebrows were scrunched up, concerned.

“Don’t feel too good.”

“Would something sound better? I could get you whatever you wanted.”

“Um, just like a ginger ale or something. Then I’ll try eating again.” That was his go-to. Ginger ale or Sprite, the carbonation helped his stomach enough that he could force some food down for a while.

Steve got him a few cans from the vending machine.

He ended up taking three bites of potato.

-

Steve made dinner when he finally got to come home.

They had decided he would move in with Steve, “live” in the bedroom across the hall, but they both knew he would be spending the most time in Steve’s room.

He had just made buttered noddles, nothing that would be hard on Billy’s weak stomach, but he had made the noodles from scratch.

And Billy was just staring at them.

“You feeling okay?”

“Just, uh, you know. Stomach’s kinda off.” Steve got him a can of ginger ale from the fridge, slid it to him with a bright smile.

The gesture was sweet, but Billy just didn’t want to risk it.

Every night he spent heaving into the toilet, it made his muscles seize and hurt. It made his throat burn for hours, made him feel like he was wasting away to nothing.

-

He always used the same hole on his belts.

He knew it was the right one from the way the leather was stretched a bit, the buckle leaving indents on it.

But that was too big now.

Did nothing to hold up his pants.

His pants that used to fit.

He tightened his belt.

Two notches. He was two notches thinner.

-

Billy could hear the blender when he woke up.

He was curious as to what Steve was doing, what the fuck he was blending up.

He came downstairs, found Steve with grocery bags all around the kitchen.

“Hey! I’ve been doing some research.” He poured the thick smoothie into a blender. “I think this might be easier for you to eat and keep down. There’s protein powder and some ginger, that should help keep your stomach calm, and spinach and some fruit and stuff.” Steve was fidgeting with his hands.

“Thank you.” Billy sat down with it.

Steve let him take his time, let him drink it in tiny sips.

He was about halfway through when he threw it all up.

-

Billy hadn’t eaten in two days.

But he also hadn’t thrown up in just as long.

Steve poked a plate of plain toast towards him.

Billy stared at it.

Steve sighed.

“Will you just, take one bite? For me?”

He took the smallest bite he possibly could.

Steve let him wait ten minutes before he pushed the toast back towards him.

They continued that until Billy finished the toast, waiting a while between each bite in order to make sure it wasn’t on it’s way back up.

He kept it down almost the whole night, until the pain in his stomach flared again and he was heaving into the large mixing bowl Steve kept next to the bed.

-

Billy was laying on the bed, curled into himself, clutching his stomach.

Steve had been behind him almost all day, rubbing his back, talking in a low soothing voice.

He left when there was a pounding on the door. He left the door open, Billy could hear Max’s voice.

“Jesus, Max. You’re a mess.”

“It’s, it’s raining. And I fell.”

“Why were you skateboarding in the rain?”

“I um, I remembered, whenever Billy felt sick, he liked eating lime popcicles, and I went to Melvald’s, and I got some.”

She sounded hysterical.

“Alright, thank you, Max. Thank you. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He heard them coming up the stairs, going into the bathroom on the landing he kept the first aid kit in.

They were in there for a while before Steve came in, talking in that soft voice he always uses.

“Billy, Max is here.”

It felt like a feat for him to roll over.

Her knees were bandaged up, and her face was splotchy.

“Hey, Shitbird.”

“You look like shit.” He huffed a laugh.”

“Feel like it, too.” Her lip trembled. He didn’t want that. “Hey, thanks for the popcicles. Can I get one? Lime, right?”

“Yeah. Lime.” Steve helped him sit up, gave him one of the popcicles.

It tasted good, and the cold was nice on his throat.

And he even kept the whole thing down.

-

Steve was standing next to Billy as they waited for the doctor.

He had lost nearly thirty pounds since he’d been home. His muscle was nearly entirely gone.

“Steve, just, play it cool.”

“I will not.” He had his pissed off mom face on, and Billy knew he had no qualms about yelling at a doctor.

“Steve, this is just, my life now.”

“No. I refuse to accept that.”

“You yell at Owens every time we’ve come in for the past four months, Steve.”

“And I’m gonna keep yelling until shit gets fixed.”

There was a rap on the door before Dr. Owens let himself in.

“You need to help him.” Billy huffed as Steve started in immediately.

“Um, good morning to you both.” Dr. Owens looked between the two of them.

“Billy can’t eat without throwing up. Look at him. He’s fucking wasting away.”

“Steve-”

“No. I can’t take it anymore. There is something fucking wrong. It is your job to fix it.”

Owens’ eyes were wide, Steve was on a roll.

“Every day, every day he can’t eat anything. He won’t because he’s in pain, and he’d rather not eat than throw everything up. And you need to help him.”

Owens was quiet.

“Let’s run some tests.”

-

Billy was in imaging within a few minutes. He had an x-ray done of his abdomen, and Owens ordered several blood tests.

They were in another room, Billy was having an ultrasound done of his entire stomach.

The tech was looking at his intestines, finding everything normal.

“Look, you’re already doing all this, can’t you just kinda, poke around?”

“I’m not sure-”

“Just kinda,” Steve made a vague wiggling gesture around Billy’s stomach.

She gave him a look.

But she sighed, moving the wand up his body.

“Huh?”

“Wait, what’s huh?”

“Um, excuse me.” She left in a hurry.

“Wait, you think they found something?” Billy’s eyes were side.

“If they did, and I was right, you’re never gonna hear the end of it.” Billy rolled his eyes.

The tech returned with an older woman, pointing at the screen and discussing in low voices.

And then the doctor was leaving again, and the tech was wiping his stomach.

“So, we’re going to prep an operation room. We’re going to have you in there as soon as we can.”

“Wait, what?”

“His gallbladder is infected.” Steve was fucking grinning when he turned back to Billy.

“So, I was right?”

“Steve, read the room. Surgery.”

“Oh, fuck.”

-

Steve was biting his nails.

The chairs in the waiting room were stiff and uncomfortable.

They were given the run down. Billy’s gallbladder had become infected. Probably due to the traumatic situation of his injuries and the many surgeries it took to put him back together.

It was almost completely dead inside his body, causing severe pain and all the vomiting. The doctor had explained that his rapid weight loss had probably only hurt it more.

They said it would take about two hours to remove.

Steve had been staring at the large clock as the two hours clicked by.

It was creeping up on two and a half, and he was getting fucking antsy.

He scrambled to his feet when a nurse called him back.

“You family?”

“Yeah, I’m his brother.” It was easier to lie. He needed to see him.

“He should be waking up very soon. It’s easier if there’s family. His surgery went well, the surgeons were able to remove his gallbladder with no other complications. He may be in pain and delirious when he wakes up, put that will pass, and we can give him more medicine if he needs.” They had stopped in front of a nondescript door.

Steve let himself in, taking the seat closest to Billy’s bed, taking his hand. His eyes were already blinking slowly. He smiled softly when he saw Steve.

“Pretty,” his voice was soft.

“Hey, Baby. I’m right here for you.”

“Thanks for, thanks for fightin’.” Steve smiled back at him, running a hand through his hair.

“Of course, Bill. I’ll always fight for you.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.” Billy smiled again. “You feelin’ okay? Need more meds?”

“Nah. Feelin’ good. Feelin’ high.”

“Yeah, they gave you the good drugs.”

“Good drugs.” He laid back in the pillow, his eyelids looking heavy.

“Go to sleep if you’re tired, Bill.”

“Don’t wanna. Wanna see you.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Steve kissed his hand.

[cafedanslanuit]

pt. 1: Honest Man || Tamaki x Male Reader

I'm an honest man, why can't you take my hand? / I'm not what you planned but I'm a safe place to land

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‘Honest Man’ series: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | ~

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“You know, some people could find this a little insulting” you said, looking to the tree where he knew Tamaki was hiding. “I think those girls don’t even go to U.A., you know”

“Sorry” Tamaki muttered, walking back to the bench you were sitting. He looked down at his hands. “I just-- I don’t want people talking? Not yet”

“I’ve got all the time you need, baby” you added with a wink, chuckling at how his ears went red due to the pet name used. You patted his back, even though all you wanted was to hug him. And you would have, if you weren’t in a very public park.

You had been dating or whatever that was for two months now. But while you had experimented with other guys several times, you knew this was a whole new deal for him. Not only to be dating, but to be dating a guy. You knew it took a time to come clean with your sexuality, so you had decided to give him as much time as he needed. If anyone deserved that, it was him.

“Maybe you should tell someone, though. Not for me, but maybe it could help you feel more comfortable with this if you trusted a friend. How about telling Mirio?” you suggested, knowing how close those two were. As a part of the 3-A class you knew Mirio had good intentions and would always encourage Tamaki to lose some of his timidness. You figured having the acceptance of his friend would make Tamaki feel better.

“Mirio doesn’t… think highly of you” Tamaki admitted. You raised your eyebrows, pretty surprised.

“What? Why?”

“He did hear about you dating those two 2-B class girls at the same time”

Oh.

“I didn’t know that story go that big” you said. Sighing, you put your arms behind your neck. It wasn’t one of your highest moments.

“They fought each other during lunch, everyone knows”

“Okay, I may not have the best love life record at this school” you defended yourself. “But what, he hates me because I may or may have not dated two girls at the same time?”

“You also invited Nejire back to your place in front of him”

“That was one time”

You buffed, now getting a little frustrating. You knew you weren’t the guy with the best reputation around U.A. but you certainly didn’t expect people thought you were a bad person because of it. You hadn’t even looked at another person for too long since you were dating Tamaki, even if you knew you weren’t an official couple and that it would be a long time before Tamaki decided to be public about you. And even if the time came where this boy wanted to date someone in public, he could just decide he didn’t want you anymore.

“You know, I didn’t lie to those 2-B girls” you commented bitterly, Tamaki quickly noticing your tone and looking back at you. “I told them we weren’t dating. I told them it wasn’t exclusive, I specifically said I was just having fun. I may have a bad reputation, Tamaki, and I may be a hopeless flirt but I’m not a liar”.

“I know”

Both of you stayed in silence for a moment, watching people go by. You were irritated and wanted nothing more than to go back to U.A. and fight whoever came to your way. As you were planning a dream-like revenge, you heard a small sigh. Turning to your side, you saw Tamaki, his head looking at the floor, his shoulders slightly shaking. All your rage disappeared in a moment and you leaned on your side, bumping shoulders with Tamaki and sitting back up.

“Hey, I’m not mad at you. Don’t think that. I’m mad because people like to misjudge a lot. But if we’re dating, that means you don’t misjudge me, right?” you asked with a teasing smile. You had never used the word ‘dating’ as a way to describe your relationship. Not to him, at least. It was dating, though: you would meet up, spend time together, text almost every day and even kiss whenever you managed to find a spot where you couldn’t be spotted. Maybe it was time to start using that word.

You couldn’t resist but smile at the way Tamaki blushed, deep red covering now his whole face.

“You’re so cute” you chuckled. “But yes, we’re dating, by the way. I’ve not been seeing anyone or flirting with anyone for the past two months and well, if you are I’m just gonna ask you to stop because that may hurt my feelings now that we’re setting things straight. Well, as straight as we can get” you joked.

You saw Tamaki smiling softly at your joke and you already knew it was the purest thing you would see all day.

[hoshiwilluploadstuff]

In the Spider's Web || Phantom Troupe One-Shot ||

In the Spider’s Web (Phantom Troupe Fanfic)

Summary: She was a regular office worker born with the ability to “see” how dangerous a person is with a number scale of 1-10 above their heads. A toddler would be a 1 and a skilled soldier with a firearm may score a 7. Today, she noticed the reserved new guy at the office measures a 10. *writing prompt*

Warnings: Death, Character Death, and just death- there will always be dead people when its the Phantom Troupe

The offices were mundane as per usual. Yu had been assigned to a new floor to take care of the new employees, or so her supervisor said, but she knew that she had just been given the job because it was exhausting for him.

Lazy prick.

Yu’s eyes drifted off to the people on the floor. Some she knew, some she didn’t, and some just familiar. And just like usual, cloud-like numbers were above their heads ranging only from 3-4. People like her supervisor or those buffy looking fellows were around 5.

Yu had just gotten the ability recently. It helped when she’d walk home alone, who to be wary of, and who to not be afraid of.

“Ah, sorry.” Yu apologized for bumping into a guy. Oh, he was new. He looked like the usual tired office worker trying to get through the day like her. As she was about to introduce herself, her tongue froze.

10.

What?

That couldn’t be possible.

“You alright?” His voice was unusually calm for a new tired guy. He raised a brow.

Calm down, Yu.

Yu managed to wipe off the fear from her tone and laughed it off. “Yea- Yea! You must be new here- I’m Yu Nadmi, your finance manager. I’ll be taking care of helping you around the place.”

She waited for him to introduce himself, but he merely squinted his eyes at her. Scrutinizing her. She gulped. Yep, she was definitely leaving this place. She was quitting the first thing she left the room.

“Right.” He walked past her indifferently. If it hadn’t been for her ability, Yu would have told him off for disrespecting his senior.

But the 10 loomed over his head ominously.

Yu yeeted out of the place immediately. She’ll send in her resignation through email. She was never coming back to that place ever.

Goodbye, promotion.

She hurriedly packed up her stuff- makeup, food, personal documents- everything she owned into her bag.

“Yu, where are you going?” Her co-worker, Lisa, asked. “It’s not lunch yet.”

“My dog died.” was the first thing Yu said. She didn’t have a dog- she had a cute kitten by the name Steve so her parents thought she had a boyfriend or partner or something. Now, she needed to find a new home for Steve so he wouldn’t be murdered like her.

Oh god.

Steve would miss Yu terribly.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.” Yu just nodded, faked a sob, then left. She was on the 4th floor of the building. She quickly pressed the elevator button. It was heading her way. Okay, great. This was just a bad day.

Ding!

The elevator doors opened. She nearly choked in horror. The 10 was haunting her. It was definitely haunting you. Three more people had the 10 over their heads.

What was today?!

The second tallest of the three, a blonde with extremely kind eyes, snapped Yu out of her frozen state. “Aren’t you getting in?”

She couldn’t say no right?? They’d know then. Oh my god.

Yu laughed. “Oh, sorry, I was just dazed.” She entered, feet becoming jelly, and stood beside the small woman with pink hair. She just hoped the fear didn’t ooze out clearly. The doors closed and she pressed the 1st floor. Her eyes couldn’t help but wander over to the floor that was pressed other than hers- 5th. The floor above hers- it led to the boss’ office alongside the other supervisors.

“Do you work here?” The tall blonde asked. You’d have flirted with him casually if not for the 10. Cursed 10.

Yu nodded. “Yea, just new actually.” The lie came out smoothly. “I just finished my interview.”

“Oh? So you’re leaving already? Too bad, you look really pretty.”

May the Lord bless Yu’s poor soul.

“Oh uh thanks… you don’t look too bad yourself.” The elevator dinged just as it stopped at the 5th floor.

“It was nice to meet you, miss. I hope your interview went well.” A bead of sweat rolled down her back as the three left the elevator.

“It was nice to meet you too, sir…” Her enthusiastic smile quickly dropped once the doors closed and her shoulders slumped into relaxation.

Okay, Yu got through that somehow.

But wait, she paused, realizing something.

The number of the elevator flickered to 4.

Only authorized people could enter the elevator from the lobby. And she knew every authorized person in this building. Even if those three were guests, an authorized person would have come with them.

Yu’s shaking hand went over her mouth as she gasped.

The elevator flickered 3.

If one person was at the 4th floor, 3 at the 5th, then...are the other floors even safe? She quickly looked around the small space. Her eyes landed on the square on the ceiling of the elevator.

The elevator flickered 2 and dinged.

“Oi, did you take care of everything on the 3rd floor?” Yu placed a hand over her mouth hearing unfamiliar voices beneath her. There was a pause, she guessed he was talking on the phone.

“Well, Boss should be pleased with how things are going.” Another voice she hadn’t heard of.

Yu held on the metal wire in fear.

“Hm? Did you press this?”

Oh God, if you are there, please let them ignore it.

“They must be done with the 1st floor and are heading up.” Yu’s shoulders relaxed at the other person’s reply.

Yu flinched hearing something wet and heavy drop. A bag, you hoped.

“Franklin’s almost done. Feitan is taking his sweet time getting info on the 4th.” The doors closed and she struggled not to fall over as it moved.

Should she call the police?! Yu didn’t know what to do but she hesitantly took out her phone and pushed it into silent mode. She has seen too many thriller movies that had phones kill them because it wasn’t silent.

She was clearly not going to be one of them.

The elevator dinged, reaching the 1st floor. Yu clenched her fists and looked around her. She hoped there was something you could do to stay on the 1st floor.

“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to head up to the 5th floor and meet up with the rest.” A woman this time. She sounded old, maybe around her early 30s. It was sharp and held a clear air to it.

Yu realized what she could do. She turned on the record.

“Oh, that was me- I pressed that.” A male? She wasn’t sure. But whatever, the police would take care of it if she got out of this alive. “Let's all head up together.”

If she got out of this alive, Yu repeated the thought with a gulp.

The elevator doors closed again and silence took over. Yu paused the recording and looked up. Her next problem…

She carefully, making absolutely no sound, lied on her back. It didn’t take long for the ceiling to appear and Yu clenched her fists as the ceiling came closer and closer and closer.

Then it stopped, several more centimeters more she would have been crushed.

The elevator doors opened, several footsteps echoed out, and the doors closed.

Now, the thing was, Yu would have entered back into the elevator but the amount of space left for her was impossible to even think of moving.

What the frick was she supposed to do? Was she just gonna lie there and wait???

Just then, the doors opened again. But it was rushed panting and pained groans that greeted her ears.

Someone escaped?

“Come on, come on, come on!!!!”

Yu could hear the constant press of the elevator button, most likely for the first floor. She pressed the palm of her hand tightly against her mouth as tears developed at the edge of her eyes.

“Please, please, oh God, please hurry!!!”

The voice belonged to her co-manager.

Her nails dug on the skin of her cheeks when the terrified scream echoed for only a brief second followed by the ‘shing!’ of a blade until the dark silence took over.

“Tsk, noisy cow.” Shaking fervently, Yu resumed recording to get as much as she could. She couldn’t have expected that they were all going to die.

The thought of Lisa, her co-worker, who innocently asked her where she went echoed in her mind. Yu was selfish, a coward, but even she didn’t know it was going to be like this. The tears escaped her eyes and her breathing constricted as a sob, a real sob, tried to break out of her throat. Breathing carefully, she remained motionless again.

Survive, Yu, you can do this. Steve’s waiting for you.

Her constricted breathing finally relaxed at the thought of her little black kitten waiting at home for her to walk and care for him.

Yu was determined to have Steve ready for adoption because even if she did survive this ordeal, the news would broadcast her survival.

She couldn’t have that. She met like four of the guys with that cursed 10 on their heads. They probably remembered her- she had to give Steve a home before she would be murdered.

“Oi, Fei, get that out. We don’t have Shizuku to clean shit up for us right now.” The voice- it belonged to the guy from the 2nd floor, it was deep.

“Tsk.” The other guy replied. Yu’s shoulders shook as the same fleshy bag was dropped heavily on the ground just past the elevator. Just then, the doors closed and the ceiling above her began to grow farther and farther away.

As the elevator descended, Yu paused the record again and returned to sitting upright. She wondered exactly why this was happening.

The office building she was in was called Spectrum that specialized in marketing. It wasn’t famous for that matter, but it did get rare items that could be bidded in auctions. However, Yu was sure that they didn’t have any rare items as of the month. After all, Yu was in charge of the budgets and there had been no significant changes at all. It was the usual low-grade items sold to the public. The last time they even got a rare item was a year ago.

The loud ding snapped Yu out of her thoughts. She carefully descended from the roof of the elevator, careful of making any suspicious sounds, and exited the elevator. Her hand immediately shot up to her mouth as the urge to retch took over her.

Piles of bodies stretched throughout the lobby. Familiar faces, friends, co-workers stared at her with blank and dead eyes, their blood mixed and pooled around one another. She felt sick seeing the red zero that floated just above their bodies. She had never seen her ability show a zero before. She quickly looked away and took deep breaths into her palm.

The faint smell of iron touched her taste and she doubled over holding back her breakfast. Fortunately, she stomached it back in.

Yu carefully walked over the bodies, careful not to step on the blood and even those zeroes and quietly maneuvered her way to the back door exit. She didn’t think twice to go through the front entrance. The less amount of blood dated all the way there meaning they weren’t scared going up front.

Soon enough, Yu was at the back door exit meant only for authorized people to go through. She quickly hid when a looming person appeared at the corner of her eye.

“I can’t believe I’m taking watch here. Shit.” A samurai? Yu was afraid to take out her phone to turn the recording back on. The back area was barely lit, except the lights that came through the windows. Her position would be seen if her phone screen lit up.

“I’m so fucking bored! I can’t believe I lost to those little shits on rock paper scissors.” The man continued to grumble. Yu shook at the 10 over his head.

Seriously, what the hell??? She just wants to go home, drop Steve at her parents place, then be happily killed. Or she could run away and live in the forest and become a naturalist. Yes, that sounded good too.

“Hm?” Yu froze at the knowing tone of the man. She could vividly hear him scratch his chin. “I can hear someone else here.” Hearing that, Yu immediately clasped her hand over her mouth and tugged her bag close to her chest.

Breathe calmly. Her throat constricted. Yu, calm down.

The scratching noise disappeared and Yu quickly buried herself deeper into her hiding spot.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

Her heart beat rang in her ears.

Ba-dum.

The sharp ringing of silence accompanied her heart beat.

“Hm?” It was right by her ear and Yu sprang up and ran. But the collar of her shirt was pulled harshly and she cried out.

“NO!” She struggled hard, pressed the heel of her shoe on his foot, and slammed her elbow hard against his chest. She felt it in slow motion, the squish of joints on the heel and the jolt back of her elbow to her hand. There was an audible thump and a pained yelp behind her as she ran for her life.

Yu headed towards the bathroom. There was an open window for ventilation that she knew fit her size because obviously she had gone through there at some point in her job.

“Oi, Nobunaga, answer your damn phone.” Yu’s small frame slammed into a brick wall and she fell onto her bum. Gasping for her life, her frightened state stared up at the man she had seen in the elevator on the 4th floor. Oh God. He was bigger and wider in an open area.

“The little piece of-!” The samurai was behind her. This buff man in front of her.

She thought she was done for when the buff man looked down at his phone then at her.

“Saved us the trouble. Thought we had to search for your home.” The horror in his words didn’t quite register as the panic of trying to survive settled in. Yu quickly sprang up to dart away, but the buff man instantly grabbed her by the waist and threw her over his shoulder.

“LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” was at the tip of her tongue but she bit it back hard feeling the overwhelming strength behind his grip. Her nails dug the palm of her hand, but she tried to think rationally even at this point.

Why’d they need her???

“Lucky girl, I'd slice you open if you weren’t needed.” The samurai, Nobunaga grumbled in distaste. “What is so important about her?”

“Check your phone, idiot.” Yu nearly squealed when the man suddenly laughed, his shoulders shaking making her world go up and down. “What did she do to you to make you so fucking pissed?”

There was the sound of light tapping, Yu guessed was his phone, and a grumble of “Just shut the fuck up and let’s get to the 5th floor.”

Yu felt sick to her stomach as her world swayed around. It didn’t take long for her to be back in that elevator she had been stuck in for what was hours but was merely minutes, and back at the 5th floor she was dying to not go into.

The samurai and the buff man were busy chattering to themselves. Yu was just too dizzy and light-headed at that point to even listen to them. Her bag idly swung back and forth as she was carried away.

“Welcome back, miss~!” Yu was greeted by the enthusiastic blonde man when she was thrown to the ground half-heartedly. She grimaced at his warm smile. “To think an interviewee was actually the finance manager!”

Yu’s eyes met the frightened gazes of her supervisor and the rest of the team leaders. The number 5 floated above their heads. Their faces were contorted in fear and panic with blood splatter on various areas of their tied up forms. She noticed she was the only manager in the group.

“Is that all of them?” her eyes darted to the one who spoke, a blonde woman with a sharp accentuated nose. She knew her voice from the 1st floor.

“Shizuku already got rid of their boss so yea, that’s all of them.”

Why did they need her?

Just as the thought passed, the blonde woman’s eyes flickered over to her. Yu wearily scooched away when the woman approached her.

“Do you know why you’re here?” The woman asked, placing a hand on top of Yu’s head.

Yu nervously looked around her and shook her head. If she was going to die, she hoped it would be quick and painless.

“No…”

“Is the book ‘Melody in the Poison Trap’ familiar to you?” Yu’s brows furrowed, carefully searched her memories, and shook her head ‘no’.

“You liar-!!!” Her supervisor's yelling was cut off by a sharp ‘shiiing!’. Even Yu had to nervously gulp at the samurai’s sharp blade pointed at her supervisor’s adam's apple.

“He told us that you knew of the book’s location.” Yu’s eyes flickered to her supervisor’s angered, panicked gaze and the blonde woman’s calm, indifferent gaze.

Yu carefully looked through her memories but the book that was mentioned wasn’t in any of them.

“The…” Her tongue was heavy as she carefully chose her words. “The only books or compositions that the company was interested in were La Flor Demente, violin piece of the Sonata of Darkness, and the Void Century. B-But the bidding got too high so we were unable to acquire any of them.” She locked eyes with her supervisor when she said the next statement, “There was no Melody in the Poison Trap.”

The blonde woman immediately took her hand off her head and nodded at her companions.

Yu couldn’t even react so much as a gasp when all of the team leader’s bodies were decapitated. Her eyes were still locked on her supervisor’s eyes as the light faded from them.

Once their bodies dropped and their number became a red zero was when Yu couldn't hold back her breakfast.

“Ugh, disgusting.” It was the new guy, supposedly the new guy, who commented while she vomited.

“It was fun seeing them come up with lies.” Yu recognized it as the smaller, softer voice from the 2nd floor. He was the smallest in the group with only his left eye visible from his mop of hair.

“Definitely, especially when they communicated with their eyes.” The enthusiastic blonde chimed.

“I should’ve stayed with the Boss if I knew the fight was going to be as boring as this.” The buff man groaned. Yu wiped her lips as she tiredly gazed at the killers. Her vision was starting to blur but she dug the nails into her palm to stay awake, focused.

“What we do with that? What Boss say?” The new guy grumbled, bringing Yu’s existence back into their focus. She was a ‘that’ now.

Yu pressed herself against the wall and hugged her bag close to her chest.

Why hadn’t they killed her?

Another blonde, but with no eyebrows, spoke this time. “We’re babysitting her.” He said it with a click of his tongue. He was the other guy on the 2nd floor. “Boss said that she’s important.”

“That’s it? Nothing else? Not have Paku over here or Feitan extract the information however they want??” The buff guy looked at his phone then at the blonde, eyebrowless man.

“Nope. We’re babysitting her.” The blonde man confirmed. “So, who’s taking her?” Yu watched as they grimaced looking at each other.

“Not me.”

“Me either.”

“Nada.”

“Nope.”

Or similar phrases were being thrown around like taking turns on who’s supposed to do the dishes for the night, except she was the dishes.

“Let’s flip for it then. Take bets on the majority two who’ll have to babysit her.” The warmer blonde said with a grin. They all confirmed with their own noises.

Yu couldn’t even relax, despite her death not being held by a string anymore. Not because of the dead bodies surrounding her, but because of the haunting 10 over the killers’ heads. All of them were a 10. Even the smallest guy was a 10.

How was that even possible?

The adrenaline from earlier had dissipated once she was dropped there. Her sharpened senses were dulling by the second and exhaustion took over her fright.

“You lose, Feitan!”

“Haha, loser!”

Her eyes drooped as her vision blurred.

“Fuck you, bastards!”

“Oi, don’t get pissed. We won fair and square!”

Then her eyes closed.

--

The cold crisp air caressed Yu’s barely conscious body and stirred her senses to awaken. Her arms were numb from being asleep for too long and pins and needles stabbed her from the tips of her toes up to her knees.

“Ugh…” Yu groaned. Her brows knitted together when a splitting headache hit her head.

“Finally up?” She jolted at the irritated and rough voice from beside her. It was the new guy with the 10.

“Yea…” She grimaced and held her head. “Where are we?” They were in a simple room with the basic furniture for a bedroom. Looking around, she found biscuits and a cup of water on the bedside drawer and a growl echoed from her stomach coincidentally.

“Take it.” The guy said before she could say anything. “Prepared for you.” He was playing with his phone. Yu knew it to be one of the trending moba games, Moba Saga. She played it frequently at home and learned about the heroes as well. She looked away immediately seeing how bad he was at handling a basic hero. Her tongue might be the death of her if she wasn’t careful.

She drank a bit of the water first then ate the biscuits then drank the rest of the water. While doing this, she couldn’t stop her eyes from wandering to the screen and her face grimacing every time he made a wrong move.

Maybe he noticed her peering over because he handed the phone to her when his team lost the game.

“Try?” He said, but his words were opposite to the emotion in his eyes. Still, Yu was bored and her only company at the moment was this psychopath.

It’s not like she had a choice.

She shook her head. “I’ll just watch.” He hummed in satisfaction, to which Yu tried hard not to visibly roll her eyes at, and continued to play another PVP game. This time, she didn’t shy away from watching and leaned over to see the game.

He was using another basic hero this time, a jungler. Yu tried not to tell him what to buy, but it was just at the tip of her tongue whenever he just pressed a random item that had good stats. Barely 8 minutes in the game, he must’ve noticed her oozing anxiety.

“What?” He stated, rather than asked, in irritation.

Yu quickly waved her hands. “J-Just nothing. Keep playing.” Actually, she wanted to say- you could’ve dodged that- why did you buy that, your hero is physical not magical- don’t you know the skills of the hero???

She jumped in surprise when he shoved the phone into her hands.

“Then play.” His brows knitted in irritation. He actually looked cute, but the looming 10 was what made her listen to him. While playing, she began to take out one item at a time and replaced it with what she usually bought. In the 5 minutes she was playing, she got a triple skill and two double kills that scored the team their victory.

“Nice.” She muttered, completely forgetting the man beside her. She was about to play again when he snatched the phone from her hands.

“You know the game?” He asked before she could start a protest. Her lips formed a thin line, thinking there wasn’t any harm done, and answered him.

“Yea, I play it at home.” She leaned against the bed rest. “I usually play marksman or mid laner though. I only use jungler when everyone else is being stubborn.”

“Hm. So my play was bad?”

“Yep, pretty much.” She said before the question actually settled into her. In seconds, the man had a sharp knife against her throat. Now, she really was pressing herself deeply against the bedrest.

“So you think you better than me?” The man chuckled, or more like a manic giggle, and slid the blade just below her chin.

Yu really had to forget she just dissed a psychopath that his play style sucked, huh?

“Uh…” She felt the skin of her throat press against the blade as she gulped. “N-No? Y-You just don’t know how to use the heroes…” Her saliva was practically drying up with each word. “Y-You just started…” Seeing the gleam in his eyes, she knew he had been playing for a while. She choked out the “...right?” and prayed that somehow someway something was going to get her out of this situation.

And her prayers were kind of answered.

“Yo, Fei, don’t be a horny bitch. Boss needs her mental state ok.” It was the blonde, eyebrowless male. He was leaning against the open door of the room.

“Tsk.” Yu felt like he wanted to tell his friend ‘Fuck you’ based on his facial expression, but he did take the knife far away from her throat. She wearily rubbed her throat, the sensation of the blade still there.

“You.” She jumped hearing her name. “Let’s go. Boss wants to see you.” Her eyes flickered over to the new guy-why she insists on calling him the new guy? It was shorter than black-haired male-who got off the bed to follow the eyebrowless blonde.

She scurried to follow them as well. In the time she spent on the bed, she realized her work clothes looked awful- dirt, grime, and blood were stuck on the fabric. The memories of what transpired yesterday flashed in her mind.

Wait, how was she so sure it was yesterday? How long had she been passed out?

Her eyes stayed glued on the beige carpet floor while following the shoes of the men in front of her. They weren’t worried at all if she would run. Honestly, Yu didn’t think she could even outrun them.

In two left turns and one right turn, they finally passed a line that led to a room with wooden flooring. The crackle of fire greeted her ears as she looked up to survey the room. Her eyes immediately locked hard on the back plush armchair that was situated in front of the crackling lit fireplace.

A black question mark floated right above it.

She felt all color drain from her face at the sight. A question mark? What did that mean? This didn’t come with her ability handbook- not that she had one, but 1-10 were the only numbers she was told about.

There was no fucking question mark at all!

Yet it floated right in front of her, mocking her.

“Boss, she’s here.” She could faintly hear the eyebrowless man call out to the man called Boss. The question mark moved and she took a small step back when the owner of the dark question mark revealed his face.

Cold. It was as if every fiber of her being was turning into ice. That was the look in his eyes that was locked onto hers.

Beads of cold sweat trickled down her back when he gave her a small smile. Evil. It was as if Satan himself was right before her, chilling her to the bone.

“I hope my subordinates treated you well.” Even his voice was an icy wasteland, tempting to freeze her with every word.

“Y-Ye-Yea, th-th-they did.” Her teeth stuttered as if she was freezing in a pool of cold water.

“Are you alright?” His cool voice, the crease in his facial features, and his body behavior dripped with worry. But it just didn’t show in those cold, blank eyes.

Every moment spent with him felt like being chucked in a bucket of ice.

Her feet turned tail to run but a wide wall of muscle blocked her path. Heavy, panic breathing was pumping out of her lungs now. The screams, the pleads, the begging, and the cries were just lodged in her throat as she racked her brain how to get out of here, away from him.

Going by instinct, she jumped behind the large, burly man and cowered in fear.

“Boss, I think you scared the shit out of her.” The burly man chuckled showing a gleam of his canine teeth.

“Hm…how curious.” The boss’ smile dropped as he held his chin deep in thought. “Well, Miss Nadmi, I apologize for scaring you, but you have something that we are interested in.”

Interested in?

Her hands were still shaking and her breathing was still heavy, but if she didn’t answer him, all other eyes on her would make sure she would. And Yu didn’t want to tread to that scenario.

After licking her cold, chapped lips, she hesitantly answered. “B-Be specific.”

The decapitated heads of her team leaders, the dead bodies of her co-workers, and the horrified scream of her co-manager was fresh in her mind. But the soft meow of Steve, her little kitten, overpowered the dreadful event.

“An antique book, that had just been recently found, was logged in by your company a few weeks ago. The book is called the Dark History. I’m sure you’re familiar with it.”

She was, but not because of her company. She had just curiously searched for it when she saw it to be one of the interesting artifacts wanted by Spectrum. What he said even matched the time she was looking into it.

It was all her fault they even went there.

“Yes… But all I did was search for it in the listings- that’s the furthest I went.” Why? She wanted to ask, but bit her tongue.

The boss smiled. “Well, you see, just after that, it disappeared from the stocks of all markets. Right after you had searched for it.”

A chill ran down her spine from those words. Was he saying that she bought it?

“That book cost like 10 billion jenny- that’s more than 100,000 times my salary for 10 years, maybe even more.” She spat out her thoughts in shock. “A-All I did was check the description, the price, and ask for details from the seller that wasn’t covered in the description.” She clamped her mouth shut immediately. The temperature in the room somehow rose in heat after that.

“What kind of details?” He was still smiling.

Creep.

She gritted her teeth, the chill still on set on freezing her from inside. “The pages of the book, what it was made of, the author…”

“Pages?” The boss cut her off.

“Yes, the original Dark History is divided into sections of the history that was deleted from the world, categories filled of the forgotten past, and are then compiled into a specific set of pages of 777. If the pages are more or less than 777, it is a mere fake copy that wouldn’t sell a jenny.”

“You’re very informative about the book.”

Yu nodded frantically. “My dad was an avid collector of information for stuff like that. But he would go on and on and on about just the Dark History and how if in the hands of a powerful person, they’d be able to bend countries to their will.”

“Is your father still alive then?”

“Yes? He’s in his late stages of Alzheimer’s so even if you wanted to get information from him- you wouldn’t be able to.”

“And how did the seller reply to your questions?”

“He didn’t. I actually forgot about the book until…” Yu swallowed the thick glob of saliva down her throat, realizing just how much she just said. “...you asked.”

There was a long brief of ringing silence after that. The boss held his chin in deep contemplation. Yu was holding her breath wondering if she was dead now or dead later.

Was she useless now? Were they going to get rid of her now that she gave them the information? She couldn’t go just yet! Steve was waiting for her at home! He must be starving and...

“I guess you are free to leave now.”

“Oh God, please let me just give my cat to my parents so they can find a new owner for him!” She cried out and clasped her hands together as if in deep prayer.

A few chuckles and laughs echoed throughout the room. Yu was shaking and jittering like a fallen leaf off a branch that she didn’t find the time to feel embarrassed.

“She’s a riot. You’re letting her go that easy, boss?” The samurai, one of the 10s laughing, said.

The boss chuckled. “Yes. Miss Nadmi, you are free to leave. Don’t worry, my subordinates won’t harm you once you leave.”

Yu blinked slowly. Seeing that they were all just staring at her, was it true? She nodded slowly and muttered a soft breath of ‘ok…’ and left. The building she was in was an abandoned apartment complex that was beginning to decay from lack of use. It was already dark, maybe midnight? Meaning she had been unconscious for more than 12 hours.

She ran and ran until she was out of breath. As she was about to check her phone, she realized she had lost her bag and everything in it.

Still, it was better to be alive.

She was glad to find out that they didn’t actually take her to someplace far off from where her company was so she could find her way home easily.

People that were still wondering about at this time gave her odd looks, most likely from her awful and bloody appearance, but she just wanted to go home and check on Steve. Thoughts of calling the police, her parents, a hospital as a matter of fact- were all thrown out of the hill just thinking of Steve.

He must be starving, scratching and destroying anything and everything just looking for her. The thought made her tear.

It didn’t take long for her to arrive at her subdivision. Thankfully the guard was passed out, asleep, so she could go in without questions. She cursed the heavens above remembering her keys were in the bag, but she climbed up to the 2nd floor of the house knowing she had left the window unlocked in a certain way that would only open in a certain pattern.

“Meow.” The tears clouded her eyes seeing her little kitten at the doorway of the room she entered. Steve must’ve heard her and rushed to greet her. Steve quickly jumped into her arms and purred as she cried happily.

“Steve! I’m home, I’m home.” She hugged and kissed her kitten that smelled awfully like her detergent and perfume, but who cares- she could clean it up.

“Mrow...mm…” The little kitten purred against the spot on her chest that wasn’t spotted in dried blood.

“Yes, yes, I’ll get you food.”

The mess Steve made was grandiose. Yu didn’t know how he managed to spill all of her detergent onto the kitchen floor when it was originally in the upper cupboard in her downstairs bathroom. Her perfume, which was her mistake for leaving there, had fallen off the table and spilled its contents on her living room carpet.

She ignored that and prepared him his food. Steve happily ate and drank his warm milk, purring happily.

Thankfully, the little kitten had done his duties in the various litter boxes around the 1st floor.

“Right, right...I gotta call mom so that I’ll drop you off there…” Yu murmured as she dialed her parents’ number on the telephone.

After a few rings, an exhausted, hoarse voice spoke. “Hello…? Nadmi residence...this is their caretaker...ughh...speaking.”

“Yal! Oh god, I’m going to be heading over there in half an hour, okay? I need to drop Steve over. Something happened, I can’t tell what, but Steve can’t stay with me right now.”

“Is it your supervisor or that other supervisor this time?” The exhaustion in her voice dissipated and became serious.

“N-No, not like that.” She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Did you drink too much milk again? You know that’ll send you straight to the hospital rather than the toilet.”

“Not that either! Just…I’ll be there ok?”

“Okay, Yu. See you.” The call ended and Yu hurriedly washed up. She prepared everything Steve needed from his bath soap down to his little pajamas. The little kitten had finished his business in the litter box when she finished packing everything.

“Ok. Ok.” Yu looked down at the notebooks and papers strewn about and grabbed them as well putting them in a separate bag for herself.

“Mrow?”

“Come here.” Yu picked Steve and put him in his little bag. Time was dwindling for her. Did they really think she wouldn’t notice them? Their bright 10s were clear from everywhere, even if they were greatly hidden. Their 10s could be spotted.

There was no way they’d just let her go so easily.

She gave Steve one last kiss before escaping through the back door. Yal would notice something’s wrong and check her home so Steve was going to be safe at the least.

Yu was sprinting as fast as she could without any sign of direction. She ran into the dark city with the stinking alleys and quiet roads while clutching the bag to her side. It held documents, notes, and pictures about the various antique books her dad researched, including that of the Dark History.

And it wasn’t something she wanted to sell her life for.

They were closing in on her but not going so far as to reveal their position. This was one of the gratifications of having the ability to see the numbers. Their 10s were bright in the darkness.

Finally, she stopped in an empty alleyway with no windows and no doors and turned to her stalkers.

“Right. You guys have been following me for a long time now. Come on out.” She said this oh so coolly, despite her nerves getting all bundled up into bits.

“Huh, I didn’t think you’d notice us…” A deep, southern voice spoke in the darkness. Two burly men stepped out into the light and revealed their presence. The bright, yet ominous 10 loomed over their heads.

Yu felt a bead of sweat trickle down her brow as her eyes widened in shock. Ok, she was expecting the people that had killed everyone in her company- not some unfamiliar people.

Now, she became unwilling to share the documents in her bag.

“You see, little girl, we’re curious as to why the Spider let you go.” The other one spoke in the same southern accent.

Spider?

“They don’t normally let anyone just leave so you must’ve escaped.” The deeper one said and revealed a large axe from his back. “Just answer a couple of our questions and we’ll let you be on your way.”

“I-I will…” Yu stuttered out and took a step back when they took a step towards her. “Just stay where you are.”

“We ain’t gonna hurt you, little girl.”

“We’re 4-star Blacklist hunters- our boss asked us to take care of the Spider. They must be pretty weak for you to be able to escape.”

Wow, what a day for her. Spider? Blacklist Hunters? What the hay were they even going on about?

“You were ordered to get them, not me.” She clarified with a scrunch of her brows.

The bigger burly man laughed. “We have little to no information on them, sweetheart. No one’s seen them and live to tell the tale.” Yu gulped at the darkness in their eyes. “And then there’s you.”

Yu was about to spout the information they wanted, hoping for the best, like before with the ‘Spider’, but then a question mark appeared right behind them.

Her jaw slacked. It didn’t hold the same ominous presence as the boss but it still made her feel off inside.

“What are you looking at, little-” Yu squealed when a bunch of cards lodged itself into the smaller burly man’s face and his body dropped onto the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“What the fu-?!” The other man faced the same fate and dropped to the ground too.

Her legs were practically jelly and being unresponsive despite her brain screaming her to run right now.

The question mark morphed into a 7 right after, making her eyes widen in surprise.

“Well, the little kitten looks quite surprised.” Yu gasped when the 7 flashed from the darkness and by her side. “The Boss told me to follow you but I didn’t expect you to have any company.” Goosebumps fleshed out on her skin at the toothy grin of a clown.

A clown?

“Wh-What…” She began but felt a sharp stab in her chest. She looked down to see a card, a queen of clovers, as she began to lose her breathing. He took the bag from her as she fell, blood coughing out from her mouth.

“Wh-...” Why? She wanted to say as her vision started to darken and blur. The clown gave a manic grin and flashed her a jester card.

“The Boss simply wanted to see how you turned out~” He cooed. Yu clenched her chest trying to breathe but air was just something she was not given. “You might’ve lived if you hadn’t tried to sell out the Spider. Your honesty really made the Boss curious.”

Hisoka chuckled to himself. “Oh, you’re dead already.” The light in the young woman’s eyes had disappeared and what was left was just a husk of flesh. He looked through the bag and hummed delightfully at the contents. It was what the Boss oh so wanted and maybe the other artifacts too.

His brow raised when a piece of paper that looked quite out of place jotted out from between the documents. Out of curiosity, he picked it up with his forefingers and looked at its contents.

‘Dark History - fake online listings. Don’t trust. Search for man name is Jehovah. Book not available in markets.’

His eyes widened slightly reading this and darted to the dead flesh of the young woman. Huh. A smirk curled at the edge of his lips before he crumpled the little note in his hand. What replaced it were red hearts to which he blew to the dead body.

“Fufufu, it's a good thing I didn’t let you live, weak little girl.”

--

Breaking News: Spectrum CEO is being sued for murder and the suspect of the missing employees of one of their companies. One employee managed to survive up until 3 am before her body was found in the city just nearby the CEO’s estate where he presided.

“Sh-She said she was going to be there in half an hour… I rushed to her home but her kitten was the only one there. The backdoor was wide open and...and…”

The police are still searching for more information on the missing employees and the gruesome death of young Yu Nadmi.

[love-the-purple-cat]

Oh don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me - Chapter 1 Part 5

“Yer hair again?” She asks, idly kicking one of the men when they try to get up.

“Not quite. They got mad I beat up their men who made fun of my hair and decided that I needed to be taught a lesson.”

She snorts unattractively. “Do ya even like yer hair colour?”

Once again, Ichigo pauses in though. “...Why do you ask that?”

“Cause, no offence, but yer hair keeps gettin' ya inta trouble, and ya don’t even seem ta’ appreciate it. If it’s too much then just dye it sumthin' borin'.”

...It’s not that he hadn’t thought about it, it’s just that it was one of the few connections he had still with his mother. Dyeing it seemed like a betrayal, and felt like giving up and admitting defeat after fighting others about it for so long.

“Ah, that does sound like a good reason not ta' dye it,” She says when he unintentionally thinks aloud. “But yer missin' ma' point: Are ya happy wit' yer hair? The colour will still appear when ya grow it out, it’ll just be temporarily hidden.”

He lightly fingers a strand. It was getting longer.

“I'll think about it.”

She nods. Neither pleased nor displeased.

 ------------------------

“Come over this weekend.”

They are eating lunch in her classroom, in a way celebrating becoming friends after knowing each other for a month. Her classmates occasionally throw them looks that they ignore.

“Sure. What are we goin' ta' do?”

He thinks of the box of black hair dye that he got on his last shopping trip with Yuzu two days ago. Yuzu had looked at him questionably but hadn’t said a thing to their family. “I need help with my hair.”

Cherī raises a brow, not getting the hint.

“I’m...” He swallows, eyes flickering to the other people in the room. “I’m thinking of trying something new. That thing you talked about a few days ago.”

It takes a moment longer for her eyes to light up in recognition and understanding. “Sure, where will we meet up?”

The corner of his lip twitches up.

 ---------------------------

“Yer mom famous or sumthin'?”

He looks to where she is examining his mother’s poster. “No, my dad got it after she died.”

She appears to be contemplating something before looking away. “So, where’s yer bathroom? Ah’m not gonna lie, da dye will stain yer bathtub/tiles like a bitch when ya wash it out. Best ya put on some old clothes too.”

Ichigo nods and leads the way, feeling nervous and calm at the same time.

Cherī orders him to sit on the edge of the bath, or bring a chair but then there’s a chance that it would be stained so he doesn’t. She starts by brushing his hair and parting it before beginning. “Ya sure ‘bout this, Ichigo?”

“Yeah.” His tone is breathless, heart thumping hard in his ribcage and something is lodged in his throat.

“Okay.” Her voice is soft and quiet, though not in comfort. It just is.

His eyes close, a foreign calmness taking over him as she works on his hair. It isn’t as short as it used to be, but it isn’t as long as he would have guessed it would be after not seeing a hairdresser for nearly a year.

“An’ now we leave it fer 25mins.” Her voice arouses him from the half-asleep state he had been in. He turns to look at himself in the mirror, but she blocks his view. “Let’s leave that fer later, okay?” Her voice is soft again.

He swallows thickly and nods. “Okay.”

They go to his room. They don’t talk, not really, but the silence doesn’t feel suffocating. She looks around the small space, and the though of how empty his room looks strikes him. There is only the essentials of a bed, a desk with a corkboard over it, and a chair. It doesn’t have any personality.

But, why does he care what his room looks like to an outsider?

“Ya got any favourite books?” Cherī asks, done looking around the bare room.

“Shakespeare.” He answers automatically.

“He’s good. Don’t know much ‘bout his works, only Romeo an' Juliet an’ that’s just a general idea. Ah like Dracula, an' Dr.Jekyl an' Mr.Hyde. Ya know, books wit' what could be considered a homoerotic undertone nowadays.” She looks at the notes stuck on the board. Most of them are related to school or past commitments so he doesn’t see a problem with her looking.

“Ya got any relatives? Ah got at least two first cousins an' a bunch of other great aunts an' uncles that ma' parents want me ta know ‘bout even though Ah only meet ‘em once every five years. Kinda pisses me off when they get annoyed that Ah don’t know any of their names, but that’s what happens when ya barely see someone.”

He blinks. This was the first time since the first day that she is mentioning family. “Not on my mom’s side, I think. But on my dad's...”

Did he have relatives in Soul Society? There were quite a few similarities between him and Kūkaku, and Ukitake-taichō had mentioned that he looks like his former lieutenant Shiba Kaien.

“’s okay ta' not know.” Cherī says. “Family’s confusin' sumtimes, an' it doesn’t help when they keep secrets, or don't bother mentionin' important stuff.”

She was right. His father had kept the fact that he was a shinigami from him, what’s one more secret?

“Time ta' wash yer hair. Ya need help wit' that?”

“No.”

She doesn’t smile, nor does she frown. “Okay.”

 -------------‐-----------------

He doesn’t like how he looks.

No...

He hates how he looks. He looks way too similar to Kūkaku, with his sharp chin and eyes.

He looks way too similar to them.

What was one more secret?

-The past is never dead. It’s just buried underneath soil and concrete-

“Ichigo,” Cherī calls, brown brows furrowed in concern. “Are ya okay?”

No. “Yeah.” He croaks. He clears his throat and tries again. “Yeah, just getting used to the new look.” He tries to smile but it must have come out as a grimace with the way she frowns.

“Okay. Ya got a dark hat or sumthin'?”

“Why?”

“’Cuz we're goin' ta' da store an' we're gonna buy ya a new dye.”

“This one is fine.”

“No, it ain't.” Her voice is a touch harder. “It’s makin' ya sad an' that’s da opposite of what we were aimin’ fer.”

“Cherī-“ He tries but is cut off.

“There's nothin’ wrong wit’ not likin' how ya look. Nothin' wrong wit' not likin’ black.” She says, and for a single moment, it feels as though she is talking about something else, like she knows what his inner tumour is about. “Let’s go get ya a new colour, Ichi.”

He nods, and chokes out an “Okay.”

 -----------------------

They're at one of the shops on the main street.

The first thing that greets them when they enter is hair dyes on one side of the aisle and deodorants on the other. Ichigo browses through the ‘natural’ colours first before going to the more ‘fun' – as Cherī calls them – ones. 

 All the colours of the rainbow were here: red, green, blue, purple, yellow and orange, along with a couple of other colours, each having different shades from lighter to darker. 

“When Ah first started dyeing ma' hair,” Cherī says, picking up a box and examining it. “Ah did it in ma' favourite colour – purple. Months later, Ah found out that if Ah planned on continuin' ta' dye ma’ hair fun colours, da colours would need ta' be ones that can easily be turned inta the next. Fer example: Ya dye yer hair blue, few months pass and ya want a new colour, yer either gonna havta bleach it or yer gettin' it done in green. Understand?” She places two bleaching kits in the basket.

Ichigo nods, examining the colours. His eyes stray towards the blue dyes, specifically the one that reminds him of Grimmjow.

He swallows.

Several months have passed since he had last seen the Espada; how would he react if he were to see him now – powerless and alone?

Well, he glances at Cherī as she compares two different shades of pink, not quite alone.

“Do ya like blue?” She asks, both boxes securely placed in the basket.

“Yeah,” He wets his lips. “I do.” It feels like he is confessing a sin by saying those words and thinking about his enemy. Were they even enemies now?

“Then get it.” She doesn’t reach for the box, preferring to wait for him to do it.

“It will clash with my complexion.” He argues weakly. Raising two girls since he was nine forced him to dive into fashion and learn the rules: body types, complexions, colour schemes and such. There were many other things he had to learn and do while his father was in mourning to survive but now was not the time to think about the past.

“So? This ain’t a fashion statement, Ichi. It's about makin' ya feel good and happy. But... if ya want a more autumn colour we can get red.” She reaches for the box and he grabs her wrist.

“No, not red.” Red reminds him of Renji, who reminds him of Rukia. Neither has bothered to visit him the months following Aizen's defeat. The excuse of him being unable to see them wouldn’t fly, not when he knew Urahara keeps gigais in his shop.

-There are bodies in the soil-

“Okay.” She says, slowly pulling her hand away. “Not red then. Bad memories?”

He winces, releasing her wrist to rub at his neck. “It’s... complicated.”

The girl huffs, “What does it remind ya of?”

He meant to say, “Nothing”. He wanted to say, “Renji”.Hell, he could have said nothing and she would have accepted his silence as an answer. Which is why he is so surprised when the word leaves his mouth without his permission.

“Blood.”

And it is true. The shade she was reaching for also reminds him of blood. It makes him remember the wound he had been inflicted in Hueco Mundo, where he quite literally died and was dead for a while, long enough for his inner Hollow to take control and battle the cuatro Espada Ulquiorra and win, before he managed to wrestle back control of his body. It also reminds him of the markings on his hollow mask.

Cherī looks surprised - not mortified, just... surprised. “Okay,” She repeats. “Not red.”

She’s examining the colours, searching for one that would fit his complexion, when he reaches forward and plucks the blue, Baby Blue, one and puts it in the basket. She doesn’t question him, doesn’t even indicate to have seen him do it but he knows she saw him and he appreciates her silence.

“What ‘bout green?”

His first though is Ulquiorra with his acid green eyes, marble skin, and black black bat wings that carry him over the sands of Hueco Mundo.

His second is Nelliel.

 “I like it.” He picks a turquoise shade called Mermaid.

“Pink?”

He likes pink, he's worn it often enough when he was younger and his sisters wanted to dress him up, but...

“No, not today.”

“Bad memories?”

He thinks of Yachiru, the girl with what he would describe bubblegum pink – even if that shade is called Cupcake here – hair and the man whose shoulder she would ride on.

“Not really.”

She nods, then juts her chin violently towards a reddish-pink colour named Love Letter. “What ‘bout that?”

The colour is nice so he gets it.

They continue on like that for a while, choosing and comparing colours - some of which repeat since Cherī also likes them - until the basket is overflowing. As a final colour Cherī chooses Snow – a pure white colour that reminded him of his inner Hollow's hair.

There's so much hair dye that he wonders whether he would ever be able to use each at least once.

The cashier is baffled by the amount but remains silent while she rings them up. It's as the numbers climb higher and higher that he begins to worry, given that he hadn’t brought that much money. But before he can open his mouth Cherī is already handing her credit card with a, “Could you also add one strawberry and one cherry flavoured chapstick? Thank you.”

He turns to look at her in bafflement. This was the first time he hears her speak ‘properly’ and it honestly unnerves him.

“Not ev'ryone can understan’ me, Ichi.” She says, handing him one of the bags.

They make their way to his house, talking about which colour they should do first. Cherī wants to see him in Love Letter or Milan – a light yellow colour that reminds him of an éclair's filling – but he says that he wants to try Baby Blue. She nods and gives him the strawberry chapstick.

“Yer lips are chapped.” She says and he accepts it.

[bbq-hawks-wings]

BBQ gripes about fanon Hawks

Not even gonna put this in the character tags aside from the spoiler one I use just for the anime-onlies on my blog. I'm salty. I just wanna vent. I want to keep the general character tags fun because it was awful when I went looking for new content and found so much Not Fun material a while back; and I don’t want to become what I hate. Basic point - my blog, my vent, and unless it’s reblogged (which you are welcome to if you like) this post dies here.

Please know this isn't a callout post or me claiming that others are being fans of Hawks "wrong" because they disagree with me. I am a huge proponent that (with very few exceptions) fiction and fandom should be free to be enjoyed, reinterpreted, or otherwise indulged in however the individual fan prefers; and if I don't like it, I let them have their space and go do my thing elsewhere and leave them alone (hence why this not going in character tags). I just have been annoyed with the rampant mangling of Hawks' canon  personality/characterization - that is, confusing common fanon interpretations of him with how he’s actually written/portrayed and then getting angry (like, actually-angry-spilling-into-publicly-dragging-real-people, not just disappointed) when he acts like canon Hawks in canon. Non-canon is open season and by and large has my blessing, it’s just frustrating when it gets dragged into discussions about the manga. 

This has been going on a long time, but I just want to get it out of my system in my personal space. All this is, is my "Overthinking Tumblr blogger Shakes Fist at Cloud" moment.

#1 Hawks is a sociopath/unempathetic.

I just... I... You can't be reading the same manga I am if you genuinely come to this conclusion about who he is in canon. A man with nothing to gain by looking like this when considering the depths of the suffering inflicted on others that he bears some amount of responsibility in...

...cannot be called unempathetic.

"But he killed Twice and Best Jeanist!"

Twofold counterargument to this one, starting with BJ - we don't actually know he's dead. There's a body, there's a disappearance, and we have no idea wtf happened, but we also don't know wtf happened. It's drastically ooc for Hawks to murder someone in cold blood. For someone who places emphasis on speed specifically "because when two sides keep fighting and won’t give up, someone eventually has to die" it makes no sense for him to not have had a plan and simply ambush a man in his own home - this goes doubly since he was in contact with the HSPC and had time to "premeditate" anyway.

And as for Twice: Hawks ran out of options. He wanted to detain Twice and keep him from escaping and helping the MLA. He was able to do so when alone, but the moment Dabi cornered him Hawks had a choice to make - probably die in the fight and let Jin go or make absolute certain he can’t and still probably end up dying because he's in bad shape and still probably won't make it out of this, regardless. I don't need to harp on this - it's been said a couple different times now by several people. Even in 266 when Dabi initially ambushes Hawks, Hawks thinks to himself that he’ll carry Jin out of the building to keep himself and Jin safe before Twice retaliated and Dabi literally forces Hawks into a corner.

Jin's loss was a blow, but the chips on the table being wagered are human lives, not feelings. Up until that point, Hawks did everything he could despite the weight of his decision. Human life is human life, and Jin’s life isn’t more important than the may more who will be saved by quashing the MLA’s revolution. Simply equating “could kill someone” with “unempathetic” is fundamentally flawed, and mistaking someone who is pushed to kill despite every attempt to avoid it as unempathetic and even sociopathic has missed the point to the extreme - the mere fact he avoided lethal force for so long alone proves he possesses empathy.

#2 Hawks is a compulsive liar.

He is a good liar, but he does not like lying. He does twist the truth, but always when forced to keep a secret. Even then, his lies are predominantly spun from truth and omitted details instead of outright fabrications. He doesn’t gaslight, and he doesn’t make up stories/details if he can help it.

When Hawks told Endeavor his dreams for the future, that was the truth. When he told him he thought he was cool at the hero billboards, that was the truth.  When he tells Tokoyami to focus on his strengths instead of merely covering his weaknesses to be a better hero, that was the truth. When Tokoyami asks Hawks for his weakness and even why he took him on as an intern in the beginning just to ignore him, he tells him the truth.  When he tells Jin he "doesn't belong in a cage" and that he considers him a good person, that was the truth. When he recognizes he’s profoundly wounded Jin for deceiving him for months, he tells Jin the truth. When confronted by Dabi and he doesn’t need to lie anymore in this fight to the death, he tells him the truth despite not actually needing to in hopes to learn the truth behind Dabi and Shigaraki.

I don't have a better segue, so I'll just mention that a lot of folks who believe this also believe the next point.

#3 Hawks is unapologetically emotionally manipulative.

The context makes a huge difference and we need to look at when and why he manipulates others as well as the fact that he does.

At the hero billboards, Hawks plays the heroes on stage as well as the crowd. He's trying to shift the mindset of, "oh yeah, just another hero ranking" to "wake up, mf's, things are changing and you better be ready to change, too!" Rocking the boat is a huge no-no in Japan. Despite being part of his “persona” there is still real social risk involved with this move but one that he deems necessary to turn heads and get gears turning. This is not just an elaborate ploy to get under Endeavor’s skin, but an effort to reach a wider audience while he has them captive.

He does use the public crowd around him and Endeavor before the Hood fight as an excuse for its appearance, but the original intent was to mentally prepare Endeavor for what was potentially (and proved to be) the fight of his life without outright telling him so he could maintain his undercover status. When he realizes he’s part of the reason for Endeavor’s permanent scar and life-threatening injuries, he feels remorse.

He lies to Jin to get information out of him, but linking back to #2, when calls Jin a good person and offers him a way out, he’s telling the truth. He does feel guilt for having to manipulate an otherwise well-meaning person and betraying them, especially given his long-running history of being used and the ongoing issues he suffers from because of it.

When he meets up again with Endeavor to drop his clues about the League’s movements, he squirms when he realizes the interns don’t know him well enough to know he’s blowing smoke because he does NOT want these kids to actually buy what he’s selling. This espionage mission is hard to navigate, and he has to tread carefully lest he setup the dominoes in the wrong places.

This is all to make the point that Hawks is more than capable of emotionally manipulating people, but it’s not in his nature or something he does to any and every person he comes across just because. We haven’t had much opportunity to see him operate outside of the HSPC’s orders which is where the bulk of the instances of his manipulation comes from - those orders requiring him to operate covertly and thus, by nature, necessitate lying, manipulation, and strategically withholding information. 

If anything, when he’s making an appeal to someone else as his own person - not as a hero on a mission- we actually see a level of vulnerability and transparency we don’t otherwise catch.

Though it’s technically canon-adjacent and not necessarily canon in and of itself, in My Hero Academia: Team Up Mission where he works with Bakugo and Midoriya he operates on a level of transparency with them we’re not used to seeing; and my theory is he took it as an opportunity to operate without ulterior motives and build report instead of bucking back against “training up the next generation of heroes” like he initially did with Tokoyami.

Which now actually segues better into the next point.

#4 Hawks never lets people get close to him.

There’s a surprising amount of evidence that Hawks wants the ability to be an open book. Back at Team Up Mission, the restaurant staff note he regularly takes people he likes to their establishment - so we’re basically told outright this is a special place to him reserved for enjoying himself and only people he likes get to share it with him - so we already know what that says about how he sees those two despite their sparse interactions. We already know he’s taken Endeavor there when Endeavor made no move to input as to where he wanted to have the lunch meeting.

Though he kept Tokoyami at arm’s length initially, we have at least three canon instances of him sharing personal interactions with him with other canon-adjacent indications he cares for and values his intern. We’ve readily established that while Endeavor may not consider himself close to Hawks, Hawks does hold Endeavor as near and dear to his heart. While his only mission regarding Twice was to get information out of him, he still made a genuine effort to help and save him because he wanted to and considered him a friend despite the circumstances.

We still don’t know very much of Hawk’s past, his personal relationships outside of work, etc.; but despite the HPSC’s extensive efforts to strip him of his identity he not only possesses a faceted, complicated personality but seems to want to share that with others readily when and in the ways he’s able. Getting into the truly squishy, vulnerable parts of him may take a while, but on a scale of closed to open, he seems to lean towards open.

#5 Hawks is hopelessly in love with Dabi and will abandon everything up to this point for him.

This isn't to throw general DabiHawks shippers under the bus. Most of them know VERY well at this point that canon has sunk that ship, and they're just having fun with it at this point - and you know what, power to you! They look great together! In another life, the character chemistry could have been incredible. There’s a lot of great DabiHawks shipping content I thoroughly enjoy despite not shipping it myself.

It just isn't canon. It never was and never came close. Even now, with the Endeavor reveal being very much imminent, Hawks' view of Dabi is one of a lying, malicious, callous, murderer. Though he’ll likely be crushed at the revelation of what Endeavor’s done, that doesn’t equate to him defecting (especially not immediately) and falling into Dabi’s arms.

And Dabi hates Hawks just as much.

Again, this is not anything against the ship or the shippers - just an annoyance I have with some who were so wrapped up in the ship they were genuinely mad when the ship sank and they dragged that frustration out into the real world against real people when canon didn’t align with fanon. 

Ships are some of the most stupid things to rail against creators and fans over, and the amount of harassment they receive now over shipping has me ripping my hair out when I know it’s a mere fraction of the total pool of shippers who are frothing at the mouth while the rest are super cool and happy doing their own thing and keeping to themselves.

Ship what you want, regardless of “validating evidence” and have fun. Don’t make it others’ problem when it isn’t canonically validated.

#6 Hawks is a dirty cop.

Only half upset with this one because it comes down to the nuance and lack of precise definition of this phrase I have a problem with. Lots of people hate cops for very real, legitimate reasons. Police forces - being a voluntary, government-employed force enforcing government rule - are notoriously prone to corruption of every kind.

It's implied the HPSC is itself corrupt, though to what extent we don't know. (Granted, buying a young child from his family to raise as your personal puppet is pretty high up there.) By continuing to follow orders from the HPSC and not vehemently fighting back, many see him as reinforcing a corrupt institution and at least partially liable for their continued hold on society. 

Fair enough, but... The issue I have with this is it reduces Hawks to his job.

I believe a huge chunk of this take comes from my experience as an armed service member spouse, but it's easy for me to empathize with a guy

Who was promised the moon for himself and his family in exchange for his service not realizing what was actually being asked of him

Is praised outside the organization for "being a hero" and "upholding this country's core values" while first-hand witnessing the corruption of it when inside

Is viewed as a cog valuable only in services rendered instead of being treated like a human by said organization and worked into the ground because of it

Is frustrated by the insistence to keep the status quo instead of improving procedure/infrastructure/environment because egos need to be padded over real, human problems being solved

Has his autonomy or otherwise ability to operate under his own judgement restricted in favor of maintaining organizational control at the cost of effective action

Has DEPENDENTS who rely on his continued work to provide for them and is thus unable to refuse an order, even when it's morally reprehensible and even outright illegal

Whose cries, both those calculated and desperate, to the organization (who have placed themselves as the sole resource he can turn to) for help (even for his own body/mind) fall on deaf ears until he breaks to the point of becoming unusable or dangerous - and even then minimal effort/responsibility is taken in favor of keeping him functioning in the organization as long as possible.

Hawks fights back against the HPSC constantly. He raised concerns over letting civilians suffer to get him in with the League of Villains and then still defied orders by reducing casualties to zero. Despite orders to keep his mission top secret, he's informed Endeavor of his motives/movements independently from the rest of the heroes. He had long refused to take an intern (read: fresh meat for the machine) to train until this year, and even then sought to minimize his encouragement of Tokoyami for as long as possible until he realized Tokoyami was made of the real mettle people needed in a hero and not just another youngster endangering himself on a pipe dream.

He even takes initiative to keep his personal to-do list from the HPSC to a minimum by squashing problems before they come knocking asking him to fix it for them. He knew of the League of Villains and anticipated the escalation of their movements immediately after the USJ incident as well as has a network of informants and connections with local police forces to stay in the know.

His methods for apprehension of criminals are, and continue to be, to react and detain them so quickly they can't retaliate or endanger others in the struggle, thus minimizing human loss and injury despite the insinuation the HPSC has told him that gloves are off in the current situation.

He might be "a cop" depending on the definition we go with, but he isn't a dirty cop. He doesn't plant evidence. He doesn't shoot first and ask questions later. He doesn't blindly take orders. He largely doesn't see "villains" as dirt under his shoe but as people pushed to extremes. He's a morally convicted individual trying to rebel within the system instead of tearing it down outright. He may be wrong in the assumption, but he genuinely believes he can do more on the inside of the system than outside.

#7 Hawks is a manwhore.

Ok, this one is not serious and actually just to end this all on a lighter note after ranting until I'm blue in the face. 

I'm 100% guilty of this myself. Something about that chicken makes me and many others salivate - either for themselves or to watch him with someone else. We love dressing him up slutty, portray him as flirting unashamedly, and placing him in as many overtly sexual scenarios possible.

The best part about all of it, though, is that it’s almost the exact opposite of how he dresses/conducts himself in canon. His clothes are loose fitting and high-coverage. He’s personable, but never gives any indication he’s romantically/sexually involved or interested in anyone. The asscourse is real only because we cannot confirm either way due to his baggy clothes. His overall figure/body shape has been hinted at, but only recently confirmed; and his jacket had to be literally be burned off to get a good look at the pattern of his shirt under it!

~~~~~~~

And with that, I release the frustration and move on. 

Enjoy fanon as much as you like - even I do! Just be aware of where canon and fanon diverge, and definitely don’t take the difference out on real people. Please also be aware of how others hold their favorite characters dear before flooding the general tags with negativity and creating a hostile environment for them. People latch onto their “comfort characters” for a plethora of reasons, and when they lose that character to the plot, the fandom, or otherwise, they should still be allowed to grieve and celebrate what they had in a safe environment. 

Retaliation in response to others coming against your favorite is also not acceptable behavior. It sucks, but the most mature thing to do is step away from the general fandom, stick to blogs/spaces you know are safe, and let the storm blow over. Comfort characters do not justify mistreating real people no matter how much they may mean to you.

When “canon gets it wrong” is where fanfiction and pockets of the fandom community comes into play. Leave those people alone and let them be. For those who aligned themselves with canon, they are not free game to take personal frustrations out on. Leave those people alone and let them be. Unfollow the people/tags you need to for your own sake and others’, and the fandom will be a better place all around over time. Venting belongs in controlled spaces away from the rest of the fandom and with enough warning for those who not only don’t want to endure it but who for their own safety shouldn’t.

Fandom is a community, and healthy communities do not endorse members lashing out when they don’t get their way.

[damienhaasbaybee]

Figured it out 😂 for the let's get personal, can I request that you do them all?

I DID IT BAYBEEEEEEE.

* 1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

I’ll Be There For You and Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi, In My Head by Ariana Grande, I Believe by Jonas Brothers, Air Force Ones by Nelly, and Chasing Pavements by Adele

* 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Harry Styles or Damien Haas so they can fall in love with me.

* 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“me that it was a sometimes temporary paralysis that causes damage”

* 4: What do you think about most? the fact that I have nothing to really work towards

* 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“I’m tireddd”

* 6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

without most of the time

* 7: What’s your strangest talent?

number and address recall 🙄 its embarrassing sometimes lol

* 8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls go to college to get more knowledge boys go to jupiter to get more stupider

* 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

fuck no lol

* 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

um... today.. in the car

* 11: Do you have any strange phobias?

raw chicken.

* 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

a piece of ice so i could pierce my nose.

* 13: What’s your religion?

christian

* 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

um... if its for pleasure... swimming.

* 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind lol

* 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

of all time... linkin park or one direction

* 17: What was the last lie you told?

that I’m fine lol

* 18: Do you believe in karma?

v much so

* 19: What does your URL mean?

um... i am damien haas’ baybee and he is also my baybee

* 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness, helping people until I die strength, i am honest

* 21: Who is your celebrity crush ?

james marsden, david dobrik, zac efron, miles teller, damien haas...

* 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no

* 23: How do you vent your anger?

i sing real fucking loud

* 24: Do you have a collection of anything?

one direction memorabilia lol

* 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

either works with me tbh

* 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes.

* 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

sound I hate: hearing others talk on the phone, sound I love: rubbing clean hands on a clean table

* 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I’m just crazy and none of this is real

* 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes. anything is possible.

* 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

my comforter both times lol

* 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

a clean house lol

* 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

uhhhh Louisville

* 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

west coast because i have never been

* 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Harry Styles

* 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to leave the earth better than I found it

* 36: Define Art.

art is everything and nothing that a person wants it to be

* 37: Do you believe in luck?

I do. circumstances create luck.

* 38: What’s the weather like right now?

pretty clear

* 39: What time is it?

10:08pm

* 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes! I won’t say what it was but it hit ME.

* 41: What was the last book you read?

I tried reading Girl Wash Your Face but couldn’t get into it.

* 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

* 43: Do you have any nicknames?

yes I do... you can call me queen tho.

* 44: What was the last film you saw?

Legally Blonde

* 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

several ankles sprained severely on each side.

* 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no

* 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

yes. damien haas.

* 48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, demisexual, pansexual????

* 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

yes. I was pregnant.

* 50: Do you believe in magic?

no.

* 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yes, unfortunately.

* 52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer

* 53: Do you save money or spend it?

both!

* 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a carwash for my dads truck

* 55: Love or lust?

both

* 56: In a relationship?

somewhat

* 57: How many relationships have you had?

two

* 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no

* 59: Where were you yesterday?

home

* 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yes, my water bottle

* 61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no, never

* 62: What’s your favourite animal?

polar bear

* 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

my hospitality (including dis mouf)

* 64: Where is your best friend?

idk, at home?

* 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

oooooo bisquett, thebasketcase101, persistence-ofmemories, creativegoof, and zanesgirlfriend

* 66: What is your heritage?

I am part native american and european as far as i know. i want to do a 23andme so I can find out. My skin tans realllllly dark even with tons fo sunscreen on so that makes me think I have more Native American than I thought.

* 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

I was definitely watching New Girl

* 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

idk... Jones?

* 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

biiiiitch of course I have.

* 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes. I may suck but I am loyal as hell and I’ll do anything for my friends.

* 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog, fuck that job.

* 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes b) spend it with family and write a book c) fuck yes. i am terrified of death all the time.

* 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust. love is nothing without being able to trust.

* 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

It’s A Great Day to Be Alive by Travis Tritt

* 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

1389.. not in that order.

* 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

honesty and communication.

* 77: How can I win your heart?

buy me food and show me that I can trust you with my heart. I sturggle to trust people. I also NEED to be called pet names.

* 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes.

* 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Quitting my toxic ass job.

* 80: What size shoes do you wear?

9.5

* 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

She did her best, even when odds were against her.

* 82: What is your favourite word?

I dont have a favorite but my least favorite is “creamy”.

* 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Love.

* 84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“ooooo bitch”

* 85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Always You, Louis Tomlinson

* 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

darkkk red and black

* 87: What is your current desktop picture?

bitch I aint been on there in so long, I have no clue.

* 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald Trump

* 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

depends on who is asking, if its my family... asking my sexuality.

* 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Fucking scream and run.

* 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Mind reading.

* 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Seeing my dads face when I walked across the stage at graduation or him telling me how I looked in my junior prom dress.

* 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching my dad die.

* 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Harry Styles.

* 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The beach, pronto.

* 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not anymore

* 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

No

* 98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes. I loved it.

* 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Love others like you would like to be loved and see where that gets you.

[oliverwxod]

Fade (Thor Odinson)

Pairing: Thor x Reader

Warnings: depressed Thor, swearing, smut

Summary: Set after Infinity war where Thor goes into a deep depression and Y/n tries to be there for him in the way he wants.

The thunder crashed outside, booming over the whole of New York, adding to the already dark and mystified atmosphere that the snap had brought. Lightening struck twice within the same second, a white and purple hue reflecting off the clouds, bouncing across the sky.

“fuck... Thor” the sound of Thor’s name left her lips in a gasp as the God of thunder thrust his hips up against her, a grunt leaving his mouth as he picked up the speed.

This... this thing he had going on with Y/n was the only thing that made him feel anything anymore. He had lost everything. His Mother, his Father, Loki, his best friend, Jane... anyone he had ever cared about he had lost. The people he had left, well, Thanos made them disappear into a gust of ash and dust, leaving behind a miserable world that would never be the same.

“Fuck” he groaned, pulling her down further against him, her chest pressed flush to his as he looked up at her, his hands grabbing onto the skin of her thighs.

Anger consumed him sometimes. If he wasn’t feeling anything, it would creep up on him in bursts, frustration and irritability at himself more than others. Just yesterday they had found some hope that lead them straight to Thanos himself.

But it was too late, they had been too late. Thanos had destroyed the stones and Thor went for the head in a fit of rage and upset. He had killed him and now they had no way of getting their friends back.

Once again he felt as if he had fucked up.

“Thor - I’m gonna-”

“I know” he spoke through gritted teeth. He flipped positions, easily manhandling her as he pushed her off of him, her back hitting the bed as he followed, pounding into her from above, the headboard hitting into the wall repeatedly as she gripped the sheets tightly between her hands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been 5 years since the snap. Just under 5 years since Thor killed Thanos and just under 5 years since Thor had left the Avengers compound for good, fleeing to the New Asgardians homeland on earth.

Y/n was the only one who made the trip to see him as much as she could which was barely once a month. it had taken her a while to forgive him for walking out on them all. Especially walking out on her that night as she accidentally fell asleep beside him.

New Asgard was nice. It was a quaint fishing town, quiet and peaceful, a new life that had been built for many of Thor’s people.

She remembered the first time she went to visit, surprising Thor who looked overjoyed to see her, but she knew It was only because he was drunk. She had stayed the night, Thor fucking her harder than he ever had, taking out his frustrations and anger out on her and trying to convey how much he had missed her.

He wouldn’t ever say the words though. He let his body speak through rough touches and broken moans of her name.

He got used to seeing her once every couple months, enjoying the release he got and the momentary distraction from his depressive thoughts that often consumed him. Thor hated to admit it, but the visits from Y/n really cheered him up and he dreaded when she left. But he really didn’t want to rely on her, he didn’t want to rely on anyone on this new world.

“You should come back” y/n had asked the last time she was there.

Thor was laying beside her, his chest bare and gleaming with sweat, highlighted by the moonlight streaming through the open window. He stared at the wall, letting out a chuckle at her words and shaking his head as if she had told a funny joke.

“Why?” He questioned, giving her his attention now, a look of humour behind his expression.

“Because...” she spoke hesitating, knowing the reason why but not wanting him to know it.

“Because it doesn’t feel right when you’re not there” she said quietly. Y/n sat up in the bed, pulling the sheets up to cover her from his intense gaze.

“That place has never been my home. I will never feel at home again. Here... this place... is the closest I feel to it. Nothing, or no one can make me go back there” he spoke seriously. His eyes narrowing at her as she stood up, gathering her clothes and pulling them on quickly as she kept glancing over to watch him.

She had to get out before she accidentally showed him how much his words really hurt her.

“I just thought if we all stuck together than-“

“I’m not going back there Y/n.” He said, anger lacing his words as his brows furrowed in irritation.

“we’re your friends Thor. We’re all worried about you, Nat, Steve, Bruce. We want to be there for you but we can’t when you’re here and we’re there.”

“Friends” He scoffed “we’re friends are we?”

“Yes. We’re friends- that's what you said we were when I asked you all those years ago” she spoke, glaring at him as she pulled her t-shirt over her head.

“Yeah, well we’ve come a long way since then sweetheart” he mumbled, sitting up against the headboard.

“You know - fuck you, fuck you and your stupid little games you’re playing. I get it you know! You’re not the only one whose lost someone, it doesn’t give you the excuse to fuck around with peoples feelings” she spoke harshly.

She spared him one last look before grabbing her jacket and leaving even though it was 1am and pitch black outside. As soon as she left New Asgard the rain started, the thunder following minutes later, roaring above her as she walked away. It was the start of a month long storm.

Y/n hadn’t been back since, for several months.

——————————————————------ ---------------------------

“We need Thor” Natasha spoke, Y/n’s head shooting up from where she had been staring into nothingness.. “Y/n? You think you can get him to come back?”

“I’ve tried Nat. He won’t come back for me” she stated plainly, picking at the plastic on the water bottle in front of her.

“We can try” Rocket piped up from across the room, gesturing to himself and Bruce who was still stuck in hulk form.

“Good luck with that” y/n spoke rolling her eyes. She didn’t want to see him. Knowing that as soon as she did she would become weak again, the past few months spent getting over him would amount to nothing.

Thor came back with them and Y/n couldn’t admit to anyone how much it hurt.

————————————————————-----------------------------

Thor was a mess to put it frankly. He sat in the corner watching everyone as they spoke, trying to locate the infinity stones and figure out who had encountered them.

“so wait- that means there were three stones in New York in the same year!” Natasha spoke, a grin stretching onto her face.

“So now we need to figure out whose going where. Thor? care to explain how you encountered the reality stone?” Steve spoke, everyone suddenly turning to look at him.

“What?” he asked, eye widening.

“uh- the reality stone” Rocket spoke.

“Oh, yes. Of course!” he spoke, standing up from his seat, the chair screeching across the floor and making everyone wince.

Y/n watched as he started speaking, going off on a tangent and getting lost in old stories.

“Oh and-” he turned to the screen, stood frozen as his eyes landed on a picture of Jane. Everyone knew the history between the two of them.

“Jane” he whispered softly. “Isn’t she beautiful? So very beautiful” Thor said.

“Okay big guy” Rocket stepped in, leading a tearful Thor back to his seat.

Y/n looked away, Steve catching her gaze with a pitiful smile. She hated it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thor found her later on that night. Y/n was curled up in her room on the sofa, staring out at the compound grounds. He knocked gently before entering, Y/n completely ignoring him until he took a seat next to her.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked, fidgeting slightly.

Y/n had never seen him so restless, taking the time to properly look at him and realising it was nervousness.  

“Haven’t been able to for months” she admitted. “You?”

“The same.” he spoke before trailing off into silence. “I wanted to apologise to you-”

“Don’t bother” she said, her words careless as if she had given up, emotionally numb by this point of her life.

“No. I want to apologise to you. I fucked up- again- it’s all I do at the moment and I'm really sorry, I never intended to hurt you.” Thor said, taking her hand in one of his. Y/n gave in, leaning her body against his, warm and familiar.

“It’s alright. We all have different ways of coping.” she spoke.

“and to what I said before, about being friends or not being friends... I just want you to know that you are more than a friend to me, whatever that may be”

“You didn’t have to justify yourself to me Thor” she said softly.

“I wanted to. I wanted you to know just how much you really do mean to me”

“Why now?” Y/n spoke “Why are you telling me this the day before either one of us could die?”

“Because you need to know in case I do” he said. Y/n didn’t like when he said it, the actual possibility of loosing him or any of the Avengers - her family- made her feel sick to her stomach. She didn’t know how to respond, instead leaning further into Thors embrace, her Boyd shaking from the cold temperature of the room or fear, she couldn’t tell.

Forever Tags: @dreambigbeawesome @hellosafie @linheliano @thisismysecrethappyplace @mannls @1elboomdemsechevarria @myrabbitholetoneverland @jbarnes87 @permanent-lines @alyssaj23 @piensa-bonito @maresmiley @soldierplum @jjsoccer11 @les-bio-lie @dewy-biitch @despelllestrange @unlikelygalaxygiver @hiddles-rose @httpmcrvel @breezy1415 @artisticlales @imthegirlyourparentswarnedyouof @xinyourdreamsx @stevieboyharrington @maladaptive-ninja-returns @teenwolfbitches2 @harryngtonewithyourshit @strangersstranger @sthorkronstrangy @vulpecula-minor

[dobrikana]

Part 1. Needy for him.

-You and David are close to having your first baby. You go out to dinner and then back home where things get hot real fast. This is my first smut writing, let me know what you think and if it’s good enough to write more or not-

You feel gross.

“Fuck, you look beautiful,” David sighs, taking a sip of water and placing the glass back down at the table. You were at dinner just the two of you, a somewhat fancy place near the water. You ate outside and watched the sunset. There’s silence in the air and you look up to David looking at you. You trace your hand along your bump, smoothing the flowy dress you have on. You don’t say anything but he knows you well. “You do,” he says assuringly. Like he can read your thoughts.

You shouldn’t feel any more lucky. You didn’t gain weight anywhere but your boobs and belly. Your face still looks the same. Everyone says you glow. Most importantly, you’re in love and you’re having a healthy baby. You finally smile.

“Think this’ll be our last meal out just the two of us?” You ask changing the subject. “Oh fuck, yeah,” he says without hesitation, picking up another forkful of steak. “He’s coming,”

“David, we don’t know for sure it’s a he,”

“Well, we did those gender predictions for the vlog.”

You remember the old wives tales games a few months into the pregnancy. The ring tied around string and swung around the belly. The key test. The year/age test. Natalie and Joe kept score. Analyzed my cravings and how high I carried. 5 games pointed to a boy. 3 for a girl. It was fun but not science. You chuckle and shake your head as you push back your plate.

“Let’s go home.”

He opens the car door for you and helps you out. David has always been a gentleman with you but this pregnancy he has gone above and beyond. He often treats you like delicate China, no longer grabbing his camera and zooming noisy out of bed, now he slips out slowly and sneaks out the door so he doesn’t wake you. You walk ahead towards the house, your hand behind you in his. Suddenly you feel a gentle tug and David is taking out his camera. “David, you promised.” you whine. “No filming tonight.”

“I’m not filming, I just want a picture of you.”

“Why?” you huff.

“My girl, carrying my baby, walking in front of a sunset? Why wouldn’t I want one?”

You sigh, trying to hide your smile and pose naturally in front of him. You curb your arm under your belly and feel a gentle kick of the baby. He snaps the photo, puts down the camera and grins at you as you enter the house. You put your purse down in the kitchen and shout for any stray friends in the house. You call out several friends. No answer.

“I think it’s just you and me,” David says, raising his eyebrows knowingly. You feel shy under his eye all of a sudden and back against the kitchen cabinets. David gets in front of you, pressing himself as best he can against you despite your belly. You moan softly, feeling his hardness.

He kisses you first and reaches his hand up into your hair to untie the high ponytail you had in for dinner. Your hair comes tumbling down past your shoulders as he pulls away slightly and licks his lips before sliding you onto the cold granite countertop. His hands find your breasts and even with a bra and dress covering them, they’re sore and sensitive enough to make you whimper. He peels off the fabric, leaving your chest bare. The coldness in the air and his fingertips trailing your skin make your nipples harden. You moan softly as he leaves kisses across them and the rings on his fingers press against you. “Fuck,” he whispers, his tongue twirling around your nipple. “How am I going to share these beautiful tits?”

You reach your hand down under the waistline of his pants. “I want it,” you say, frustrated as he teases you by slightly pulling his hips back. “What do you want, baby? Say it,”

“I want your cock,” you exhale. “Please, I need you inside me,” you beg. Your hand slips under your dress and you hike your panties just to the side, arching your back a bit to show him how ready you are.

“That’s better,” he says and smirks, moving closer and letting your other hand slip back inside his pants and stroke his cock. “Fuck,” he sighs, his mouth against yours. “You need it so bad, you don’t even have the patience to let me fully take them off?” You nod at his words desperately. His own hands lift up your dress and leave it pooled at your waist, then he slides your panties down. He’s going slow to tease you and you can hardly take it. Your pregnancy has made you crazy horny and unbearably impatient. Sometimes sucking his cock or letting him eat you out or finger you had to wait. Sometimes you just need him in you, fucking you. You pull at him and impatiently start aligning him against your soaked clit.

“Alright, baby. Alright,” he says pulling his shirt off and letting his pants hit the floor. He positions himself, pulling your hips forward, and slides into you. “Ugh!” you cry out, making him pause. “Fuck did I hurt you?” he asks. He’s been so protective lately and it’s odd. Usually David fucking you was rough and relentless. He was a teaser, he would choke you, or punish you. Wouldn’t let you come, or ruthlessly fucked you as you cried out in pleasurable pain.

“No, no, I’m fine. Please, please David, just fuck me.”

You arch your bare back and he goes full force, ramming into you as you moan and grip his back. “Yes, yes, don’t stop, please…” You cry out and bring his hand to rest on your neck. You buck your hips and moan out as he squeezes your throat.

“Choke me, please,” you say, but he shakes his head, bringing his forehead to press against yours. “I don’t want to do anything that could hurt the baby,” he whispers. David overly gentle and loving could make you melt just as much as David in control and demanding. You nod in a frustrated understanding, pressing your lips to his. You run a hand through his thick hair, gripping the ends when he hits certain spots. “I’m gonna cum,” you whimper, laying kisses to his neck, coarse with stubble. “Oh yeah?” He asks, mercilessly thrusting. “You’re gonna cum on my cock?” You let out a lengthy moan in response. You feel him sliding in and out and grab onto him for support. “Huh? You gonna cum on my cock?” he repeats, an almost sadistic look on his face. You nod, moan again, feeling yourself squeeze on his throbbing dick. You’re so close and he knows it and suddenly starts slowing down, thrusting so achingly slow, you cry out in frustration. “Fuck you, you drive me crazy,” you’re irritated and push him away and get off the counter. In moments you pull him to the floor with you, his bare back against the floor and you on top. You slip him back inside you and press your hands to his chest, riding him and savoring every movement. You close your eyes and feel his hands on your hips. “I love driving you crazy,” you hear him say. You can’t help but smile and your eyes open to see him smiling back at you. You continue to ride him but move so your breasts press against his chest and your lips are inches apart. “I’m gonna cum,” you whisper and he nods. “Me too,” He turns your bodies so he’s on top and thrusts. Your head tilts back against the floor and your grip him so close you feel you might explode. You feel his tongue swirl around your nipple and let go, crying out so loudly in pleasure that you cover your own mouth. He cums too and you feel him seep out onto your thighs as he kisses your neck. You both lie on the floor for a while after, too exhausted to move.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of a much needed sleep, you feel it. It’s time. Your eyes open and you exhale, determined to keep calm. David’s arm is draped around you and you snuggle up to his neck and stroke his face. “Dave,” you whisper. He’s sound asleep. “David,” you shake him gently and watch his dark eyes slowly open. He looks at you and you smile. “It’s time,” you say softly. With two words he’s wide awake, mouth open, “Yeah?” he asks, nodding. “You’re sure?” You nod back.  

Your little suitcase is in the car and David has the camera set up in the Tesla. He helps you into your seat and gets into his, starting the car. “Hey guys,” he speaks to the camera, so nervous he stutters a bit. “So y/n has gone into labor and we’re on our way to the hospital.”

The rest of the ride is a blur but you remember when you get there, David helps you out of the car and you can tell he’s as nervous as you. You grab him by the shirt and he focuses on you and you both chuckle. He leans his forehead against yours and sighs happily. “We’re having a baby,” he whispers. You nod, tears in both your eyes.

[purplesurveys]

1035

survey by tickticktmr

Do people spell your name wrong very often? LOL, of course. When your name is the less-common variant, expect it to be misspelled all the time. Only like 2 out of 10 times do people ask me if my name is spelled with an i or y, but it’s them I appreciate the most.

Who will your next phone call be with? I’m not expecting any phone call for a while.

Would you rather be taken or single? Ugh, taken. I love being in a relationship; I always enjoyed looking after someone else and doing things to make them happy. Being independent has its perks too, but I always feel lonely at the end of the day.

Do you plan to move any time soon? Nope, I’m taking it slow.

Would you rather have pink or green hair? I’d go with green but only if it’s a dark shade, like the color of seaweed. I wouldn’t appreciate neon green on my hair.

Do you miss anyone's smile right now? I saw it again yesterday, so I’m good.

Do you want kids? I used to, but now I’m back to the drawing board when it comes to kids.

Do you know who sings 'Let it rock'? It’s not ringing a bell, and honestly the first thing I remembered was the Goofy Goober Rock song from the Spongebob Movie HAHAHA. Sorry to disappoint.

Do you think stargazing is a romantic thing to do with someone? Sure, but I think it also works platonically. Stargazing is generally a nice and relaxing thing to do whether you’re alone, with an SO, with a friend, or with a bunch of friends.

Do you want to tell someone something right now? Yes, but I can’t.

What's your opinion on sex before marriage? It’s whatever. People can do what they want, and the only things they should watch out for are consent and being safe.

Do you own a car? I don’t own it, i.e. I didn’t pay for it, but it was given to me so I can have a car to drive myself when I need to go to places.

What is something that is always in your kitchen cupboards? Rice.

The last person you spoke to: have you ever lied to them? For sure. Growing up with strict parents taught me how to lie convincingly.

Have you ever made out with them? That person is my mother. No.

What woke you up today? I did so naturally.

Have you ever had a pet rock? No. People do that? How do rocks become pets?

Have you ever been lost? LOL like the lost-in-life kind of lost? Sure. I’m going through it at present because life threw a shit ton of curveballs at me over the course of two months.

How long is it until your sibling)s) birthday? My brother’s birthday is in 5 months; my sister’s is in 10 as she celebrated her birthday just last September.

Are you lazy? I can be if I want to. But I’m not always, of course.

Do you read the newspaper? No.

Have you ever heard of the song 'Teeth the size of piano keys'? No.

Who was your last thought about? You got me thinking about my sister because of the earlier question about her birthday.

What made you in the mood you are in right now? I’m relaxed at the moment and that’s thanks to the fact that it’s Sunday, I’ve recently gotten into a new hobby and a show I can dive into, and tomorrow’s a holiday so no work for me :) Gonna make the most out of this evening for sure.

Have you ever told someone to go to Hell? I’ve most likely done so, but only as a joke.

Do you know anyone named Jos? As in, pronounced ‘Jaws’? No. That’s one of the more unique names I’ve heard.

What's your font on MSN/AIM? I don’t use either. I never used either, either.

What's more important to you: books or music? Music.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nah. Even when I still collected magazines, I preferred physically going to magazine stands and buying new issues. It was more exciting that way.

Has someone ever really hurt you without even realizing? Yeah.

What do you sleep in? A bed, most often. Sometimes I’ll pass out on the couch but that doesn’t happen too much anymore.

Have you changed in the past six months? Yes, both naturally and forcibly. It’s been... quite a year for me, even if we put Covid aside.

Do you bite your nails? When I’m anxious. I haven’t had to do this for a while though, and I mostly did when I was in school awaiting a presentation I had to make.

Do you like the name Natasha? I used to like it when I was younger, but it slipped out of my favorites for no real reason at some point; it just did.

What's a food that starts with the last letter of your first name? Naan.

Does your house have a white picket fence? It used to, but we had them removed after a string of typhoons increasingly deteriorated their quality over the years.

Have you ever been given flowers? Sure.

Do you have a YouTube account? How many videos have you watched on it? I do. Is the second one a real question lol? I’ve watched thousands, as I’m sure most people who use YouTube have done as well. This is like asking how many tweets in total I’ve read on Twitter since I first signed up.

Do you know anyone who is really, really conceited? My mom can be one. She likes to act as if she can do no wrong.

Who’s the last person you told off? My manager at work. I did something she asked me to do and followed the instructions down to a T...and then she said I shouldn’t have done it? That kind of thing happens at work every now and then and it’s fucking exhausting. It’s like every move I make has its own script and the script changes every five minutes. 

Are you optimistic? Sure, but not always.

How do you get to school/your job? I work from home, but under normal circumstances I would’ve been driving myself to the workplace.

Love or lust? Love.

Do you smoke cigarettes? Yeah, but I keep my use of it at an extreme minimum. I’ve only done it socially and I’ve only asked for cigarettes from my friends who have their own packs (and were willing to give me a couple of sticks, of course).

Have you ever been so mad at someone you hurt them? Like, physically? Yes, but it’s only because I was hit first.

Have you ever met someone you met online in person? This is on surveys a lot...yes. I’ve met several online friends who were once in the wrestling circle with me; and one time I bought a product from someone online so we had to meet up for that, too.

Have you ever not studied for a test and gotten 100%? Probably not a 100%, but close. I never studied for my Language exams in middle school because it was just literal English grammar, which I was already good at by that point.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend right now? I don’t have any.

Have you ever won a contest for public speaking? No, but I’ve joined one. I got a little frazzled by the middle of my speech (it was impromptu and I didn’t know my question until I got on stage) so in the end that cost me first place.

Are there any woods near where you live? Nah, it’s a private village so it’s super suburban and no hidden woods or forests anywhere.

What did you do today? So far I’ve watched 3/4 of an episode of Start Up, cried, washed my face, washed the glass that I drank soju from last night, and sat up in bed and continued this survey.

Have you ever considered suicide? Yes.

Do you have a lot of myspace friends? No. I never really used my account.

What was your favorite subject in grade six? Science was fun then. Partly because I could tell the teacher liked me, and partly because her method of teaching was big on memorization of terms and processes which was always more my speed.

Hot chocolate or coffee? I could go for coffee right now. Hot chocolate is best when I’m on vacation and having breakfast at a fancy hotel.

Do you like your neighbours? I don’t dislike them, that’s for sure.

Did you do something stupid today? Not yet. 

Name a five letter word that starts with the same letter as your first name. Ripen.

What time did you go to sleep last night? Around midnight. That soju/Yakult combo knocked me out.

Did you have fun yesterday? It was an okay day, sure. I got productive and even drank for a bit last night just because.

How many people are online on your MSN/AIM right now?

Would you like to/did you drop out of school? No, that was never a part of my plans.

What was your favorite book as a child? If we’re talking kids’ books, I never got tired of rereading Corduroy and The Giving Tree. I also had a book of poems and nursery rhymes and I remember taking a liking for The Owl and the Pussycat because it was the longest poem in the book and it helped me train my English.

How far away does your best friend live from you? Both live around 20-30 minutes away, just in different directions.

Do you think you could write a book? A memoir, yes. Anything fictional, no.

Is it hard to tell someone you like them? Yes.

How many bedrooms does your house have? 4.

Do you know anyone who can't speak French? Nearly everyone I know.

When's the last time you brushed your teeth? Last night.

Are you the same religion as your parents? Legally. But I disowned Catholicism/Christianity a long time ago.

Would you do anything for a certain person? Yes, I would.

Do you know anyone in your science class? The last science class I took was a course on chemistry, and I only knew one person in that class.

Describe your room: Cozy, starting to get a little cluttered, big enough for one person.

Do you still write letters to Santa, even when you know he's not real? No, and I never wrote letters addressed to a Santa.

Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope.

Have you ever been lied to by a girlfriend/boyfriend? I’m sure she did.

Where is your dad right now? I can’t tell whose turn it is to make breakfast today, so he’s either in the kitchen cooking or in their bedroom watching TV.

Are any of your relatives pregnant? As far as I know, no. But I also haven’t been on Facebook in a while, so I’m poorly updated on what my relatives have been up to.

How many garabe buckets are in your house? I have no idea what this is talking about.

Would you want the truth if you asked if your pants made you look horrible? If I asked that then yeah, I obviously would want to hear the truth.