#not just once but twice… I relapsed…

[homeruined]

I want. to be so fucking drunk rn ngl

[forbidden-sin-bin]

Sex and Filthy Smut headcanons

(Eminem x F!Reader Hc’s and drabbles)

Rated: E for explicit… no wait, this needs an X rating for possibly being the filthiest thing I’m gonna write in my life. God save my soul (probably not but hey at least I asked)

Warnings: I mean… look at the title. Need I say more??? Smut. Sex. Lovemaking, Intercourse. Whatever the hell you wanna call it. The whole 10 yards is here. It’s porn, not gonna lie at all.

Tags/Keywords: Smut, Heavy Smut, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, fluff, fluff and smut, Pre-established relationship, Sexual Content, Kink, Overstimulation, Dom/Sub, BDSM, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink, Oral Sex, Giving/Receiving, Healthy Relationships, Feel Good, Everything sinful under the sun is found here, Author is going to hell, anyone who reads this is coming with me

A/N: Yes yes, ain’t no fuckbuddies or friends with benefits headcanons here, sue me. There is NO angst or sadness here. None, zero, zilch. Those kinds of relationships almost NEVER end well 98% of the time. This is all about you and him ONLY. Give it up for romance y’all.

Not gonna lie, there might've been more I wanted to add to this hellfire list of headcanons but once you've seen how much stuff there is below I hope you'll forgive me for finally putting this out here.

I hope by reading this, will provide you with comfort and satisfaction.

VERY special thanks to @smutty-books for beta reading and feedback along with helping me with this monster of a list! Please check them out and show them some love! (Seriously thank you Smutty for the additional ideas and content. you made this Hc's list a million times better and twice as much content included.)

(WARNING: Past this point is VERY EXPLICIT CONTENT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

General HC's:

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy ohhhhhh boy.

You want sum fuk? You got sum fuk and way more.

As long as you’re his s/o, congrats on your sex life being absolutely demolished and rebuilt by this man. You’ll probably never find a better person in the bedroom for the rest of your life. It literally doesn’t matter if he’s your boyfriend or your husband, sex is a staple activity in your relationship that you both enjoy.

Fast and rough? Slow and steady? Maybe a little bit of both? You bet he’ll be saying fuck yeah to all of those.

His sex drive has always been relatively quite high, even after all these years. Being 50 and counting ain’t gonna stop him anytime soon.

Can, and will, want to fuck you on any and every surface of the house.

Living room couch? Perfect spot for bouncing in his lap or to blow him hard.

Dining room table? He’ll have you either bent over and railing you from behind or sitting on top while he devours your dripping wet pussy.

Taking a shower? You’ll be saving water if you do it together… yeah. Definitely not because of at least a half dozen things you can do in there with soothing hot water pouring down your bodies.

In the studio?…

Okay maybe not the studio he’s gotta work without getting distracted and lord save you two if anyone finds a sliver of evidence that you two fucked in there-

Not a PDA guy much, which also extends to any sexual antics outside. He won’t be taking any risks getting the two of you caught lacking

As long as you two are in the house, it’s free game

His views and methods of sex vary depending on which era we’re talking about

If he were in his 1999’s/2000’s era, then yeah, absolute horndog. He’s constantly so busy and on the move, sex would be a quick trip and onto the next. It would’ve scratched the itch, but arguably wouldn’t have sated his appetite for long. If he ever had a chance to have a good, drawn out sex session, it’ll leave him looking like he had a serious hangover but he’ll be waking up so relaxed.

Him being quick to fuck around and quick to leave was his style pre-Relapse. It’s a common thing you see around music artists in general and he was no exception. That doesn’t mean he was closed off to finding an actual solid relationship, it just becomes that much harder to find someone genuine. Most of the time though, he was busy putting out albums and producing music with a 9 to 5 regimen.

Post-Relapse/Recovery Em had insane stamina due to the excessive amount of exercise he put in. Call me insane, but I have a feeling this may be the time where he had the least amount of sex drive-

NOW HOLD ON HEAR ME OUT

He was starting out his sobriety around this time, I’m no expert but I would have to think that he hasn’t fucked or hooked up with anyone since then cause sex may have been a risk or his body was recovering, therefore most likely putting sex as a low priority. That isn’t to say he wasn’t busting a nut oh no, he probably became best friends with his hands again.

The time between Rap God/Monster Era was slowly building back up his drive, transitioning him to the Revival/Present Day era where he’s back on his blue-balling bullshit. Mans been practically putting out mating calls in his music and in interviews I mean COME ON HAVE YOU SEEN IT

He’s wise enough to not be caught slipping with hoes cause he won’t be caught with those hoes. At all. He’s not a hoe fucker no more. You heard him.

Finding an actual healthy relationship with one person? Someone give it to him, now.

(Anyone who remembers that one shot in that Rainy Days behind the scenes video where he points the camera to his crotch and says “EVERYTHING is for sale.” If that isn’t a man in heat I dunno what is; And that’s just one example out of many lemme tell you)

THE POINT IS, HE CAN GO FOR ONE ROUND, OR MANY, MANY MORE.

He’s determined to make you feel good more than him, but he’ll absolutely be having fun with how you’re gonna come. He’ll love exploring your body, finding out every little spot that gives you shivers down your spine.

Oh yeah, did I mention that he's got a big dick? He's got a big dick.

Don't try to deny it when you can't help but glance at his crotch all the time. It might be bias, or it might be fact that you can see the bulge in his pants.

Dom/Sub Roles:

He’s a dom, no question about that. Most of the time he’s a soft dom, not overwhelmingly asserting himself over you but firm enough to have you listen to him. Of course, he’ll be praising you a ton if you’re doing good and listening. But if you’re acting a little bratty, a little petty… yeah, he’ll make you behave, let’s just leave it at that.

Enjoys having you bent over his knee while he fingers your pussy, making sure you’re all nice and ready for him to enjoy.

If you squirm too much, expect a light spanking and a firm reminder to behave.

Again, not over the top with his dominance, cause at the end of the day, he wants to take care of you, to make you feel comfortable and show you how much he loves you. So praising isn’t just a dom thing, it’s genuinely how he expresses his affection to you.

If you insist on it, he can go even harder as a dom, upping his antics and getting off on seeing you beg for relief. Punishments will be even meaner and if you slip up even just a little, looks like you’re gonna have to start all over. No amount of pleading, teary whines from you will get him to change the cold, hard look in his eyes as he’s watching you.

Absolutely insistent on a safe word, no matter the situation.

Marshall’s immediately shifting to a protective, nurturing caretaker the moment your safe word leaves your lips and making sure your needs are met, completely understanding and shushing any apologies that threaten to leave your mouth for ruining the moment. You come first and foremost.

Amazing with aftercare. Will make sure that you’re okay and well taken care of after a session, praising you lovingly as he holds you close. If it was particularly intense, he’ll be checking in on you for the next day or so whilst feeling quite proud of himself that he can reduce you to a begging, dripping mess yesterday night. But he's by far more proud of you for trusting him and letting him experience you in such a vulnerable position.

All it takes is for him to say: "Such a good girl" and you're all his. (Can't blame you honestly-)

He'll be using your petnames even outside of your passionate sessions, even if it's just coming home to greet you after a day of work or passing by each other in the house to do something, a quick: "Hey peaches" or "How's my babygirl?" never fails to want to leave you smiling shyly, even after a bad day.

While being a sub is not what he would usually do at all, it’s not impossible. Once he’s far into a relationship with you and fully comfortable, he might actually give in to your insistence.

He has a need to feel like he’s in control, like he’s leading; Being on the opposite end is a big deal for him, so if he ever subs it’s a huge fucking compliment and privilege that shows how much he trusts and loves you to bare himself to you.

He’ll definitely be grumbly about it tho, and probably trying to act all teasing at your attempt to dominate him. But once you get past that first phase and he lets himself relax and give into your control… he doesn’t want to admit it, but he feels so fucking secure with you.

When he fully gives in, he’s preening and leaning into your touch. He’ll be such a good boy under your lavish praise and having all of your attention on him.

It feels almost foreign, not being the one in charge and making all the decisions for once. But once he gets used to it, he'll be doing whatever he can to receive your approval.

Seeing him at your mercy, letting you take the reins, makes it your priority to see him come undone by your command, holy shit, it's fucking beautiful.

If he's up for being a little more bratty (not unlike he's been on his petty shit for decades as his core personality trait let's be real here) and expecting to be punished and/or your dominance be harsher, the thought of pushing you to your limits with how much you're willing to keep up with him makes him really, really excited on the inside.

It’s both of your secrets, so don’t fuck it up, a'ight?

Teasing/Body Parts:

Speaking of secrets… he’s incredibly private, but at the same time, don’t be surprised if he ends up writing lyrics that may or may not allude or be inspired by your sex lives. You swear this man will be the death of you, smug bastard.

If you’re ever turned on by listening to his music or his voice, it’ll be such a massive ego boost for him, holy shit. No need to feel embarrassed, cause he’s fucking flattered.

Even tho his residence is far from any neighbors (and definitely soundproof), he’s got a playlist for your ears to get aroused to.

Imagine Marshall whispering in your ear or talking in that low voice of his and well damn now you’re horny is an understatement of the goddamn century.

And it’s not just you! Marshall gets off hearing you moan like crazy, another sign that lets him know he’s doing a damn good job. Hearing you whimpering gets him going, but making you scream? Jackpot.

Unsurprisingly to a lot of y’all, but he loves tits. He loves ass for sure, but feeling your breasts is just- Yes.

Love fondling them, licking, biting, sucking, you name it.

Now do the same for him-

OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN’S PECS

MAN’S GOT HUGE FUCKING HONKERS. HOLY SHIT.

(No wonder he’s such a titty guy-)

But seriously, play with his chest and he’ll be moaning and writhing under you. Music to your ears.

Rest assured your ass will not be forgotten or neglected. No fucking way he’ll ever leave any part of you un-worshipped. Even when you’re just passing each other around the house he’ll playfully slap or squeeze your ass with a smirk. Cheeky fucker.

May or may not prompt him to just throw you down and pin you against whatever furniture is closest and have his way with you right then and there.

Or it could be the other way around! You can't help but give his sexy behind a mischievous swat or grab, or his pecs. He'll probably pretend to be miffed but you'll be catching him returning the smirk you have on your face. Oh, by all means, have your way with him right then and there as well. Equal rights, equal sexy times.

Grabbing your backside and pulling you closer to him, pressed against his chest and his growing bulge in his pants oh sweet Jesus-

Will for sure spank you while you’re riding him or he’s railing you from behind, the sounds of skin slapping against skin while he sees your ass jiggle with every thrust is just so fucking hot

He wants to reach deep down, as far as his cock can reach, nothing in the house is safe from him pounding your pussy and giving you a creampie.

Speaking of that, He LOVES to come into you or on you. It gives him a feeling of claiming what's his. Anytime he sees his cum dripping outta you or running down your skin, Marshall’s ready to go again.

Or he could use a sex toy, making sure his cum stays inside and your pussy ready for him in a few.

Kinks

We’ve already covered the dom/sub parts, but there is SO much potential for other kinks that you and him can get into so let’s get right into it

Breeding Kink:

I mean how can we not start this off without mentioning that

Can, and will ram you harder and faster than a piston AND make sure you both cum multiple times

If you’re walking the next morning, that means he failed the assignment so now he’s boutta rectify that

Dirty talk is cranked to a hundred as he’s growling in your ear on how much of a slut you are for his seed, how he’ll fill you up and make sure your womb is carrying his baby, how gorgeous you would look with your belly swollen with your little creation, etc.

Even if he’s sure that he doesn’t want anymore kids (given his age or experience, which is understandable), imagine the baby fever he gets when he sees or imagines you with kids

He’s perfectly happy with just you and him, but the possibility of you, him, and maybe a little one you made together from your love? His pupils are dilating like a cat getting ready to pounce

Even if the possibilities are extremely unlikely, the mere thought of it and he’s giving you the 🥺 eyes. (Every time you see him make those eyes at you, it’s probably cause he’s feelin the breeding urge)

If you're not able to, that doesn't change a thing; he wants to make you feel like you're his no matter what, and you are! He loves you for you.

Obsessed with coming inside you after railing you into the mattress, filling you to the brim with his seed

Loves giving you a creampie and then watching it leak out of your pussy, might take the initiative to stuff his spilling cum back into you

Or he could just fuck you at multiple different times during the day like the stud he is

Hell he may as well just not pull out and you’ll both be falling asleep still connected

You'll be waking up with his member engorged and slowly thrusting in you while he nuzzles into you, taking in your scent, kissing your lips so softly until you both cum. After that he takes you to the shower and you both wash each other

Loves marking your skin with his mouth, letting anyone know that your his and his only

Your cunt and everything else is thoroughly satisfied every time the breeding kink comes on don’t you worry about that honey

Size Kink:

Hey don't judge his 5'7 ass. Marshall's got other big things minus his height; Big hands, big ears, HUGE CO-

If you're smaller than him: He praises you for taking him in so well, whispers words of encouragement with every inch he pushes into you until you can feel his tip brushing against your cervix. Doesn't want to overdo it in fear of hurting you, but with your insistence he'll be going all out in due time

If you're taller than him: He LOVES it. No cap you being taller or bigger than him is so fucking sexy. Makes him more eager to make you come and more confidence in exploring different ways to do so

Takes a hand in yours and guides you both to press against your stomach, feeling for his cock thrusting into you

Praises you constantly as he feels your walls stretch around him so perfectly

Once you feel like you can take all of him, all of his restraint is gone as he pounds your sopping wet cunt relentlessly

Body worshipping is a must regardless of size

Feral/Primal Kink:

You know how possessive he can be, and that still translates to the bedroom. Even when he knows you're his, he can't help but feel turned on by his possessiveness for you.

And when you're all his, he can go fucking. Crazy.

It's also the dom feeling in him as well, but he has a need to claim you: Not out of insecurity, but out of his desire to make sure you know how much he loves you.

Likes biting your ear as an affectionate gesture. Sometimes he enjoys lightly tugging as a playful gesture to get you riled up.

Marshall thinks the growling thing is dumb as hell but if you're into that he'll try to give you some throaty growls in your ear, but expect him to start cracking up at his attempts until he's used to it

He thinks he can't do it yet he doesn't realize the low rumble in his throat whenever he gets a jealous streak

Voice/Audio Kink:

Well, well, WELL. Someone's ego is about to be stroked harder than his cock for once

He’ll absolutely be moaning and grunting more often when you guys have sex

Jokingly asks if you want to put some music on before you start fucking though he probably cringes listening to his own music during sex

Definitely ruins the mood for him when he hears someone that collabed with him on one of his songs or if any of his lyrics mention things that he doesn't want to think about when horny

Whenever he asks what you're listening to and hears one of his songs, he can't help but inwardly smile or smirk with pride. "Good choice." He nods, keeping his face unreadable.

If he catches you listening to FACK he just starts dying with laughter and dying on the inside simultaneously

No but seriously, he's super fucking flattered knowing how much his music or just his voice turns you on

Whispers in your ear during sex, either praising, teasing, or telling you what to do

He'll be observing which tone provokes the biggest reaction out of you so he can remember it for future reference

(People working with him in the studio are gonna be wondering why he's so close to the mic while recording recently)

Might record something just for your ears to listen to when you guys are apart ;)

Sex Positions

Missionary:

Ah, the OG.

Ranging from being the most vanilla to literally breaking the bed and making the house shake. Most people’s go-to position and Marshall is no different.

He’s got full access to your face, neck, and breasts while he pounds you into the mattress, absolutely loves it and it’s no surprise.

Is eye contact a kink? He’ll be wanting to look you in the eyes no matter the pace you’re going. Additionally may often include forehead touching and/or nose nuzzling. Incredibly hot and intimate.

If he’s feeling extra curious or dominant, he might even push your legs back and over his shoulders to reach even deeper into you. (In other words, putting you in a mating press.) You ain’t walking for a few days after this. Catch his freaky ass all smug n shit.

Slow and intimate in this position is SO fulfilling. It’s like baring your souls to one another.

Going fast and rough is just straight up a joyride and a half. It feels carnal in the best way possible.

Overall you can’t fuck this up really. It’s missionary for crying out loud.

Doggystyle:

*clears throat* Ahem. BARK BARK WOOF WOOF

If you haven’t seen my fic Heat yet, it’s basically me writing smut for the first time in this position but taken to the next level. Should hint at a lot on what imma bout to say tbh

YES. HELL YES. PLEASE LET HIM RAM INTO YOU FROM BEHIND. HE’LL BE POUNDING INTO YOU SO FUCKING HARD

If you go face down on the bed, ass up? Holy shit

Expect bruises on your hips the next morning… also a very horny man ready to go again or to absolutely worship the fuck outta you for taking it so fucking amazingly

He'll be running a bath for you, being extra doting and attentive, the whole nine yards while also feeing that masculine satisfaction™ at the fact that he's able to get you to that state of bliss.

By far the most feral position. If he’s got a breeding kink I wish you luck on how many times you’re gonna come and he’s gonna come

If you’re also into taking it in the ass I respect you 👀 kinky motherfucker would love to explore some new ways to fuck

Pronebone is also basically the same as mentioned above, but it’s got that intimate feel, you get me? He’s closer to you whilst also able to attack your neck and shoulders, maybe even have a hot make out session with you while he continues to pound your pussy or ass raw.

As long as you love taking it from behind he’ll be on his knees for you. And on top of you.

Cowgirl/Reverse Cowgirl, You On Top:

Ride him. That’s all I gotta say.

He wants you to ride him. Fuck him silly. He’ll lose it.

It’s a perfect demonstration of him still being the dom. You may be on top, but he’s the one in control.

Might tease you by making you work hard for a reaction outta him. He’ll be pretending to be unimpressed or smug while you bounce in his lap but in reality he’s trying so hard not to break

Either that, or he won’t be holding back on how good you make him feel. Mouth open, quietly moaning, grabbing your ass or your hips.

If he can't take it anymore, he pulls you down to him and holds you tight while he starts bucking his hips, pounding up into you like a piston

Even once you both come he starts back up again before you've even calmed down

Oral (Giving and Receiving)/69:

I mean… are we really gonna question it? Yeah you better give this guy some head he is a slut for it

Give him a blowjob and he’ll be the happiest man alive

You watching his expressions as you’re sucking him off

Might take some practice to take all of him into your mouth cause this man is BIG

Even when he’s got loose sweatpants on you can still see his bulge AND IT’S NOT WHEN HE’S HARD AND HORNY. MARSHALL’S PACKING.

I wish you luck in trying to deepthroat this man

When it comes to oral, he definitely prefers receiving rather than giving

But don’t you DARE underestimate this man’s tongue cause holy fucking hell he’s feasting on your pussy

PLEASE let him suck on your clit while he’s eating you out. That man’s mouth is amazing in many ways for a reason

Imagine having to go out after and if anyone asks him if he wants anything to eat he just replies: “Nah I’m good. I had something earlier.” And then GIVING YOU THE SIDE EYE LOOK-

BEARD. BURN.

Let this man bury his face in between your thighs and imagine the friction of his beard brushing against your skin. If that doesn’t make you cum then him lapping you up will guaranteed

69 turns into a competition to see who can get the other to cum first, or a comforting session of tasting each other

Standing:

Y'all know he can do it pinning you against a wall. Thanks 8 Mile

As hot as it is, take care as not to have your head or back bang against it

Great for quickies but probably not for a long time; You gotta give his back a break lmao

Hugging your waist from behind tho :eyes:

Add a mirror on both opposite ends of the wall and you can watch him thrust into you

He's holding you real tight and close, making sure to hold you up so your legs won't buckle

Spooning:

Feelin real cozy

It can be lazy morning sex; Intimate and gentle as he places kisses behind your ear and buries his face into your neck while he does long, deep strokes in and out of your walls

Or it can be rough: Holding your thigh up while his hips violently thrust into you, only stilling when he comes after you

Another way is his cock slipping between your thighs and humping you eagerly, or his cock rutting against your ass

Push your hips back in time with his thrusts for deeper penetration or the sound of your skin slapping against each other

His hands clutching your hips or grabbing your breasts as he moans in your ear, feeling his cock twitching with his release

- - -

ALRIGHT TIME TO STOP HERE I’VE BEEN KEEPING THIS IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS Anyways hope y’all enjoyed this and then some <3 I might come back to this and and more so who knows? If you enjoyed let me know your feedback and if you have any suggestions!

[urfavslav]

toman!mikey, mitsuya, kokonoi + implied fem!reader (seperately), tw ed, recovery from ed [absolutely, congrats on working on recovery! I'm proud of you! hope i did this justice <3 🫂💞]

request: (@giannitaa) heyy!! how are you? could i please requests for a fem!reader recovering from an eating disorder with mitsuya, mikey and extra characters from tokyo revengers? (please if you don't feel comfortable writting about this just tell me because i want to know if it's a yes or a no) i had an eating disorder (anorexia) and i'm slowly introducing myself to new foods or meals that i used to have before my eating disorder 🥹a fluff/comfort headcanons please and thank you! have a great day/good night/good afternoon

mikey is definitely the type to take out put to eat whenever he gets the chance. cafe after ur classes are done, small restaurant after a big fight and his energy is depleted, breakfast before a trip out to the beach. if you don't feel comfortable eating as often as he does, that's ok! he's push you once or maybe twice but he knows when to back off. will also share his meal, you wanna try what he has go ahead! as long as you share yours, yknow taxes. mikey will be there if you feel like venting about a relapse, gushing about a new food you tried or anything in between! he's all ears and at ur side at the drop of a hat!

mitsuya, this sweetheart. :( always texting you to make sure u have at least 2-3 meals a day and stay hydrated. (but listen to ur body!) I think he struggles with eating to, but in a sense of forgetting to eat, with his sisters and his dreams of the fashion industry I think he can get pretty carried away. I think you two would def remind each other to have at least some snacks <3 omg dates/hangouts would be so cute 😭 imagine picking places to go get food and just talk. he's such a chill guy. always offering to take care of the bill, yall end up splitting/taking turns anyway. v supportive! tries to learn about your disorder and how to help you with recovery

koko, cmon you already know ow he's probably worried without reason and tries to spoil you. mentioned a meal you wanna eat? yeah he got reservations a few days ago to a new restaurant. you don't like eating in public? that's ok too, personal chef for dinner <3 he cares about you and wants to make your recovery as comfortable as possible. the type to make sure you have water and ur drink of choice and snacks available to you. once in a blue moon he will make you a super cute meal, like rilakkuma omurice or a cutesy curry. he's trying ok

★ all works belong to @urfavslav , do not repost on anywhere else with or without credit, do not plagiarise. thank you !

[getmecakeordeath]

For those who self h@rm by cvtting, here’s some tips for taking care of yourself from someone whos being doing it for 10+ years

•It’s okay, don’t think any less of yourself for relapsing. It happens and its okay. No one ever tells you that its okay.

•Invest in a person first aid kit, I’m a first responder so I’ve always been stocked up. You should make sure your kit has the following:

• sterile cleansing wipes (you can never have enough of these)

•Conforming bandages (you’ll need this for bigger cuts to help keep the gauze secure

•Microporous Tape

•Different size wound dressings

•Plasters of all different sizes (fabric ones work best I find)

•Kitchen roll (I know that sounds strange but it helps to stop the bleeding, where as tissue just falls to bits)

•Some wound closure stitches (butterfly stitches)

•Wash your hands properly before you cvt, it will help keep you safe okay

•Whatever your going to cvt with make sure you give it a good clean with a sterile wipe, I got some nasty infections from not doing this when I was young.

•After you have had your ‘session’ (at least that’s what I call mine) make sure that you treat your wound properly:

•Hold the kitchen roll to your wound until it stops bleeding.

•Clean the area with the sterile wipes thoroughly

•If it is small enough for a plaster then out that on there

•If not use the wound dressings, measure up to the wound ensuring that there is a good finger width between the edge of the cut and the end of the dressing

•Use the tape to secure it into place

•Hold one end of the bandage away from the wound before you start wrapping it (so you have something to tie it off with)

•Don’t wrap it too tight or it will be uncomfortable and you’ll want to take it off

•Change the bandage or plaster every day at least once (I know that it’s hard but if you don’t it might cause an infection)

•If you cvt too deep, it happens it’s okay I’ve been there, push firmly against the wound with a tea towel or any fabric you can get. If the blud is pouring out I’m going to need you to hold it against you wound as hard as you can and then a little harder. Call you Emergencey service number (999, 911 etc) they will talk you though what you have to do and get you help.

•Dispose of any blades you use, don’t use them twice it WILL cause an infection that can get into your blood. I bought pencil sharpeners on Amazon for very cheap. One use only okay? You don’t want to get sick over it.

•If you want to help your scars become less visible use Bio Oil I think that it works the best and really helped me with the ones on my arms.

•There are things that can help you with your urges or relapses.

•Some helpful apps that I would recommend are:

•StayAlive (I have had this on my phone for many years now and it has saved my life

It has saved my life on many occasions and if you find that you are in need of die help, you can show it to the emergency services and they will help you okay. We are trained in this.

•Harm less (It gives you motivational things whenever you open it, it’s 100% customisable and it can help you keep track of your relapses)

•Its okay to relapse, I’ve been though it many times, I recently just relapsed acted a 250+ day gap. Its okay and no one says it enough. You haven’t let anyone down, no one is disappointed in you, your okay.

Just some tips I’ve learnt over time, it’s going to be okay

[ggggggfft]

I just wanted to leave encouragement for the shy anon ftm. I was once where you are. Now I'm owning/wearing female clothes again; dabbling into cosmetics, my hormone levels tested in the high female range again and I won't go near any BC because complete strangers told me not to which makes my love of bare sex risky yet hot (if I'm bred then it was meant to happen); I'm back to the slutty self I was in my teen years before I took the path of transition, and have finally admitted after trying twice to espace this kink/fetish that I can't stop... If you ever need or want to chat, you're welcome to hit me up.

(My DMs are always open. ;) I just to to be supportive if I can and let 'em know.)

Being good girl inspiration is a good girl’s aspiration. 🙂 You can always depend on your ftm sisters to show you just how good healing your femininity will feel. Detransition is the final phase of ftm metamorphosis, where the female self realigns with the female body. You finally realize that not only is trying to be a man pointless, but being a woman feels so much more natural and is what you truly desire. It’s liberating to be bound by your anatomy. It’s arousing to be forced to accept that you’re a slave to your biology. You were never going to escape your pussy, so now you’re going to let her ruin your life. Talking helps. Reach out to other girls and share your progress with each other. Reach out to chasers and ask to be corrected. Expose yourself online. Strengthen your addiction. You’re going to relapse no matter what.

[lovingperfectionsblog]

What Must Be Done.

Major Trigger warnings guys!! Please read the before the story!!

Plantonic!Pierre Gasly x Reader, Platonic!Charles Lecerlc x Reader (although there are feelings between you and Charles)

Summary: Your friends discover you have relapsed and have begun to self-mutilate again.

Warnings: Major trigger warnings, mentions of self-harm, depression, suicidal ideation, cutting, scarring, blood.

 Word Count: 2660

Authors note: My loves, once again, I am at no point romanticizing self harm. Please take note of your mental health at any point you consider reading media like this and please know you are so deeply loved and so enough and there are always options for help, please seek treatment and help if you or someone you know is suffering <3 

I opted to not address reasons for self harm, because every single person who suffers has different reasons, so instead I focused on how deeply this actually affects everyone, and to bring attention to the fact that you are loved and you deserve to feel good because so many people actually do love and care for you and want to see you healthy and better. I hope it is okay and you all like it <3 

______

Dropping your guard was not the right thing to do. It wasn’t them that had let up, they had just stopped verbally asking you how you were. They were still watching you like a hawk. Eye’s still flitting down to any available skin their gaze could reach. Months later and still constantly monitoring you, without you even noticing.

So when you all had gone down to the gym one evening, always dedicated to your sport, you hadn’t thought twice about shoving the sleeves of your top up in an attempt to beat the heat.

As if on instinct, both Charles and Pierres eyes ran down your arm, fully expecting to see the same scars that had finally healed over, both pain and pride filling their hearts whenever they caught a glimpse of them. Pain that they existed, pride that you had beat it. What they had grown used to seeing and feeling.

What they hadn’t expected to see were the fresh cuts that suddenly adorned your inner arms. A new wave of emotion they had been thanking God they had yet to feel, knowing they might, but never fully expecting the way it would slam into them, driving the breath from their lungs the second they did.

Dread.

One would expect it to be fear, but ever since they had found out that this was what you had struggled with, the fear had nestled its way into their very being, and latched itself on, never to leave them again. They would no longer know an existence without fear when it came to you. A fear that this would happen again, a fear that you couldn’t beat it again, a fear that they would have to watch you lose all that you were again and most importantly, a fear that they would lose you for good.

But dread? Dread was new.

The dread existed because of a promise they had made to you the night you had promised you’d fight to beat this and they in turn had promised they would do everything they could to help you in any way you had needed.

The promise to make sure you were benched from your team to receive treatment is a part of it. The dread of what they would now have to do claiming its spot right next to the fear.

Your name left Charles lips as a defeated sigh, turning to look at him as he ran his hands through his hair, face cast down, Pierre’s eyes never leaving your wrists.

There was no malice or disappointment in the look, nor in Charles' voice. Only dread and fear.

And suddenly it seeped off of you too. 

“This isn’t what you’re thinking” frantically pulling your sleeves down, you desperately began an attempt at an explanation of what they had seen. 

“Then what is it exactly?” Pierre decided to take control of the conversation. Although both invested in your health, Charles had always been a little more emotional when it came to you, too protective, unable to think clearly and always letting his emotions get the best of him.. Whereas Pierre, he could think logically, he could take charge and do what needed to be done, knowing that both him and Charles were about to be the bad guys, and if that’s what they needed to be, then he’d happily be the worst of the lot. Anything to keep you safe. 

You stood, Pierre’s eyes now boring into yours and Charles unable to leave the floor. 

Charles is unable to face you at all. 

And as you stood there trying to come up with a reason for what this was, you came to nothing, only focused on how they were disgusted in you, how they hated you for breaking your promise, how disappointed they were in you. 

How Charles could never like you now. 

How, if they had decided to keep to their promise, you were about to lose your job. 

They wouldn’t really do that to you, would they? They would never. 

And still you could come up with nothing other than, 

“It was one bad day” 

You flinched as the water bottle hit the wall. Both Pierre and yourself staring at Charles retreating back as he grabbed his towel, storming out of the gym. You didn’t know what to do. Do you run after him? Do you stay? do you crawl back to your own room, tail between your legs, aware that you’d finally fucked up enough to make him hate you? 

Of course you had fucked up this badly. There was no other outcome for you. You were always going to fuck it up. You ruined everything, so you weren’t surprised you’d ruined this too. 

“You promised” it was all Pierre had said as he began gathering up both of your belongings, cutting your gym session short, both of you well aware that the plans for your day had changed in a matter of minutes. You know, because they found out that you’d fucked up, again. 

“I know” you sighed as you followed Pierre, well aware of what was going to happen now. It was the same routine for a long time, until they thought you had gotten better, but now, “You don’t have to check my room”. 

“You promised” Pierre hadn't turned to look back at you once as you made your way through the hotel and up to your room, “You promised and you lied and now we can’t trust you” he had finally come to a stop outside of your room, hand outstretched, waiting for you to place the room card in it so he could get inside and begin ripping your room apart, searching for anything that you could possibly use to cause further harm. 

“Did you ever trust me after the first time?” you let out a dry chuckle, a poor attempt at diffusing the situation, earning the exact response you had expected from him as he moved to drop your suitcase on your bed in order to start the meticulous search. 

“No, but we gave you the benefit of the doubt, and we’re the ones who are going to have to live with that” you recoiled at the words. How had he been so nonchalant whilst being so cruel, barely even glancing back at you as he said it, only rifling through your clothes. 

“That was unfair” you whispered out, so soft you were sure he hadn’t even heard, his posture stiffening indicating otherwise, and the onslaught of words streaming out of him a second later a confirmation he had heard exactly what you’d said. 

“I was unfair? Me? You’ve actually got to be kidding. What’s unfair is the fact that for the next few hours I have to go through every item of clothing and luggage and toiletry bag and every nook and fucking cranny of this godforsaken hotel room looking for anything that you could fucking use to hurt yourself, again, because you can’t keep a promise. What’s unfair is the fact that one of my best friends is literally harming herself and I have to witness it. What’s fucking unfair is the fact that now, I have to live with that fear again and anxiety and I’m not going to be able to sleep because I have to live with the fact that I didn’t push for you to see someone the first time we caught you pulling this shit and I simply took your word that you’d stop and that it wasn’t all that serious and now that’s on me. Do you get that? I am terrified that you’re going to kill yourself and I have to live with the fact that it’s all on me. So yeah, maybe I was unfair, but I think I may be allowed to be. And you’re the last person who is allowed to call me out on it.” His chest was heaving by the end of it, his knuckles white as he gripped the shirt he was holding, a poor attempt to keep himself calm, and when he noticed you weren’t going to fight him on it, he simply turned back around to continue the well practiced routine of searching your stuff. 

_____

The second Charles had opened the door, you’d stormed into his room, eyes red from tears that had now refused to surface as you stood in front of your two friends. 

“You got me suspended” was all you’d said to them and they both felt their stomach drop the second they’d heard you say it. Neither knew what to say in response, because yeah, they had, quite frankly, they’d pushed for it, not that it took much to convince Toto that this was the best course of action, and their lack of response only made you more angry, “YOU GOT ME FUCKING SUSPENDED!”

Charles thought he was going to be sick, he knew you were going to be angry, but he hadn’t expected to feel so distraught at your anger, he’d thought you’d understand it all. 

“Of course we did, we keep our promises” was the only explanation that Pierre offered, once again having to take the reins, knowing that when it came to you, Charles wasn’t capable of much if he wanted to keep himself under control. 

Truthfully, Pierre didn’t blame him. He understood that here he was going to have to be the bad guy, because if Charles had to, then his friend was never going to recover from it and Pierre could only focus on one of you at the time and Charles being in love was nothing compared to what you were currently going through. 

“There were better ways to go about this and you know it” you were directing all your anger at Pierre now, both of you acting as if Charles wasn’t even in the room. 

“Like what? Hear you promise that you’d stop and it wasn’t that serious?” Pierre repeated the words you’d told him the last time you three had this conversation, throwing every single one of them back in your face. 

“It isn’t that serious!” you were absolutely seething, completely unaware of what the boys had gone through to make sure this entire process was going to be as easy on you as possibly whilst keeping you as safe as possible. 

“What the fuck do you mean it isn’t that serious?” Charles had finally spoken up, a look of pure rage etched on his face, one to even rival your own. 

“I mean, it’s not that ser-” 

“IT’S FUCKING EERYTHING!” even Pierre had startled at Charles outburst, knowing that this was destroying Charles, but never expecting him to show you just how much. “It’s fucking everything”. 

A thick silence seeped into the entire room, neither you nor Pierre wanting to break the silence out of fear and Charles just trying to quiet his mind down enough to formulate a decent thought. 

“It’s everything because you are everything and to you it’s nothing because it was simply one bad day and now you’ve got a few fresh cuts on your arm, but what happens when that one bad day is behind the wheel? Because you see, the thing is, my bad day isn’t that serious, because on my bad day, I might just be angry or have a cry and watch some shitty serious to make myself feel better, but your bad day, I might lose you forever. So yeah, to you it’s not that serious because fuck, your days bad enough and then suddenly it’s not really a you problem anymore, but to me, its everything because I lose everything” Charles was so clinical he was even scaring Pierre. 

The comment stopped you in your tracks, because yeah, even you were slightly nervous about that day, but you sure as hell weren’t going to admit that, not to them, because if you didn’t say it, it wasn’t real. In truth there was a lot you didn’t want to admit, most of all your feelings towards the man standing in front of you, or the feelings that drove you to all of this or even how you’re surprised anyone even cares at all, so you settle for something that feels slightly safe, a segway, maybe a way that you’d eventually be able to talk about it all with the two closest people to you, despite your fears. 

“You embarrassed me.” Pierre let out a laugh, not that he found anything funny, not by a long shot, but more so that out of everything, this is what worried you. 

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know that right?” the look in your eyes confirmed that no, you did in fact not know that, “Jesus, there is nothing to be embarrassed by, you’re sick, that’s it, you’re sick and you just need some help getting better. It’s like, when you break your leg, you see a doctor and you allow yourself time to heal and you work at the physio and you let your friends help you and visit you in hospital, but you put in the work to heal and get better and walk again, it’s exactly the same, you’re sick, and we just want to help you get better.” Pierre prayed that he was getting through to you, after the first time, he had thrown himself into educating himself as much as he could in order to help you in any way he could, and this had stuck with him, that you were just sick and being sick is okay, but you had to work to get better. 

“What if I do all this work and then ruin it all again?” your voice was so small and Charles was sure his heart was about to break at the sight. 

“Then you ruin it all again, and we help you pick up the pieces all over again and we get you better, but we need you to try, please, fuck, we need you to try.” Charles was now standing directly in front of you, fighting every urge to just grab you and hold you close, wanting to take every single ounce of whatever burden you were holding off of your shoulders. 

“Toto said Mick was going to take my spot, and if a reserve is needed, Danny is going to fill in” you needed to somehow move away from this topic, heart aching to the point of break, changing to the only other thing you could think of. 

“And you?” Pierre knew you and Toto probably had discussed a plan of action revolving around your recovery too. 

“Benched, media duties, but he’s going to be sorting out an intensive therapy regime for me, or something like that, get the best of the best to help” you’d dumbed the process down significantly, but that was the jist of it all, “I have to go, Toto had to run to a meeting, but I’ve got to meet with PR now, sort everything out from that side, I’ll see you both at dinner.” You’d made your way out the room, both boys' eyes never leaving you, and subsequently the door once you had shut it behind you after a chorus of goodbyes followed you out. 

“You can’t make a move while she’s healing, you know that right?” Pierre knew Charles knew, but he needed him to make sure that Pierre was going to do everything to make sure your recovery was the only thing you would be focusing on for now, no boys, no racing, nothing other than your mental health. 

“I’ll wait, I’ve waited for years and I’ll wait for more, her health is the number one priority” Charles felt his friend give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, letting him know that he was aware of how difficult this all was, “I’ll wait.” and he would, for the rest of his life if he had to, but he’d wait, because you were everything. 

[buckyarchives]

bedless | bucky barnes.

summary: relapsing wasn’t great, ever. but bucky’s is there.

word count: 2.4k

warnings: SELF HARM. i wrote this as a s/h comfort fic and that’s pretty much all it is. i’m serious if ur triggered by graphic descriptions of self harm please go find a different story.

author note: wrote this A LONG time ago on ao3 and i’m attempting to move all my storys to tumblr. so it’s probably really bad lol. i also wrote this when i was struggling but i’m 6 months clean now!! whoo!

You stare blankly into the distance of your bathroom, your eyes landing on nothing specifically, simply zoning out from the world around you. It was dark besides the blue-tinted night light plugged into the wall across from you. The floor below you was hard and cold, the expensive tile felt like stone under you as your limbs pulled close to your chest, you stayed deadly still. The aftermath ritual of relapsing. Moments ago you were dry heaving, tears streaming down your face as you desperately scratched away at your skin trying to find that small blade hidden away in attempts you'd forget. Your mind was racing so fast that you couldn’t keep track of a single thought for more than a second, and it wouldn't stop. And now, you sit in a weird comfortable peace, face dry of tears and incredibly tired. Your limbs burned from your self-inflicted torture but you couldn't be bothered to focus on it.

Today hadn't been a hard day exactly. Actually, it had been a relatively good week, but these things just creep up on you like that. Ended up with you coming to the alternative that wasn't exactly smart but you trusted it, it has worked before. You ignored Thor calling you down for dinner, it wasn't an unusual thing for an avenger to refuse and miss out. Everyone was dealing with their own shit. You hoped no one would notice your absence. But when have you ever been right before?

Your bathroom door was slightly cracked open, but it was slowly nudged further open as you heard a soft knock at your door. A familiar gruff voice called your name. It was Bucky, Bucky's room was across from yours and you both shared a small kitchen and common area as you two were the only ones on the floor of Starks enormous tower. You suffered from insomnia and he suffered from horrible night terrors that left him screaming awake. So naturally, the two of you found comfort in each other, whether it be sharing a bed for the night or being in each other's presence in the kitchen or living room in the dead of night when neither of you could bear to sleep. Bucky wasn't foreign to your addiction, to him walking in on your aftermath ritual of dissociating on a cold, hard floor.

“Doll?” his voice sounded worried from the other side of the door. You couldn't bear to tear your eyes away from whatever you were staring at, or even muster up a small noise as a response. You didn't move. Nonetheless, he pushed the rest of your door open, and right as he came into view you were void of your trance. Your eyes snapped to him. Bucky stood with his vibranium hand gripping the doorknob, his metal finger wrapped tighter as he processed the sight of you. His eyes were wide and worried, and a wave of terror flashed across his face.

You only bow your head in shame, you couldn’t look at him and see how disgust and disappointment filled his face. Bucky's footsteps ascended towards you, you wanted to yell and push him away and lock the door and never let anyone back in but, you were tired and he was much stronger than you. So you continued to sit still until the flesh warmth of Bucky's hand rose to your face, directing you to look at him. His face showed so many emotions you couldn't begin to suspect what he was feeling. He was just staring into your eyes, those perfect ocean blue eyes. He slowly shook his head disapprovingly.

You blinked, once, twice. Your throat croaked as you attempted to apologize to the man in front of you but nothing came out.

Your eyes diverted down again, you felt on fire under his stare. “Do I need to take you to the med wing?”

He asked this question every time, and you always shot your head up and would rapidly shake your head and beg him not to carry you away to be fixed by an unfamiliar doctor and have to bear the disapproving looks of anyone you saw in the hall. And word gets around fast in the tower to by the end of the night everyone would know of your damage.

“Bucky.” your voice came out hoarse but quick. “Please don't make me go, please.” He just looked back at you, leaving you unanswered. His hand still held steady on your face, he was squatting down to your height. The silence was deafening but as soon as you were about to make up some excuse for your relapse, his hand left your face and the warmth left your body with it making you feel cold and weak once again.

“Same place as last time?’ Bucky asked but it sounded more like a statement than a question as he opened a cabinet and grabbed bandages and your usual stuff to clean the open wounds on your arms.

You didn't usually clean yourself up after, besides just getting water and cleaning up extra blood. All your life you left the scars untreated. You were never sure if you did this as an extra way of torture, letting the sting of the cuts linger longer or because that meant the marks would be more apparent for longer, leaving a reminder for you all the time. The first time Bucky had walked in on you, he ran to bruce's lab and back after you begged and pleaded with him not to take you to the med bay. And he came back with enough bandages to cover your wounds and then by the next day you found a box of bandages and tape as well as hydrogen peroxide to clean your wounds sitting on your bed in a Walgreens bag. A small gesture that weirdly made you want to do it less, but you would never tell Bucky that.

Bucky turned back to you with a bottle and cotton pads in his hands, he sat across from you on the bathroom floor. Your eyes averted away from his face, you couldn't hide the embarrassment on your face, you felt like a little kid that made a mess just for someone else to unrightfully clean it up for you.

“Sweetheart, I need you to look at me.” his soft voice rang through your head, and as much as you didn't want to you obeyed. Your eyes traveled up Bucky's face to meet with his blue eyes, he looked tired and upset and suddenly another way of guilt went through you. “I'm going to clean this up, okay?” he waited patiently for your response, you just nodded tiredly. “This is going to sting, just tell me if it's too much, and I’ll stop.”

Slowly, Bucky grabbed your arm from your lap and he began running the clothes across the wounds. You watched the blood wash away just for it to keep coming up from the lines you created. You bit your lip, you felt like you were going to cry out but you were simply too drained to shed another tear.

“Look at me.” bucky said, “I need you to look at me.”

You tore your eyes away from your wrist and met with his eyes once again. His icy blue eyes that you could get lost in, as cheesy as it sounds, you just genuinely could stare at him all day just to drown in the ocean he had for eyes. Bucky Barnes was an incredibly attractive man, you would not deny that, and almost every person on the planet would agree with you. Women swooned for him left and right in the 40s, as Steve would retell stories of their past life decades ago. But there was truly something so different about him. The shape of his nose and the hollow of his cheeks, his jawline looked like it was sculpted by the gods, and his smile. Oh god, his smile was such a beautiful and rare thing. During the past months of being close, you would sometimes do anything to get a good genuine smile out of him, even if it mean embarrassing yourself in the process.

“You're staring, dear,” Bucky spoke, and you looked down to see your arm had already been wrapped in the white bandages. Damn, had you been staring at him that long?

“You told me to look at you, not my fault.” shrugging your shoulders, beginning to pull your arm back to you but Bucky's grip tightened. Not enough to hurt you but enough just to keep you from pulling away from him. A moment of silence fell between you before he brought your arm up to his lips and he placed a gentle kiss on your bandaged skin. He looked back up to you before shifting his weight so he could lean in and continue to place another kiss on your forehead. The warmth spreads through you and makes you feel lighter and slightly better.

“I'm disappointed in you, doll,” he whispered. you nodded in agreement, knowing he should be. “You need to understand how much this hurts me too, everytime I see you like this, it hurts me so much because I care about you more than you imagine.”

He spoke clearly and genuinely, the words hit you hard in the chest. Making you feel equally better knowing he cared but also worst because you hurt him, one of the things in life you actively attempt to avoid. His eyes turned glossy and he swallowed hard and, suddenly your throat went dry again. You couldn’t speak a word of a response so you just bow your head again, averting eye contact so speaking to bucky would feel less intimidating.

“It has to hurt, it won't stop unless I do this.” you choked out, waterworks started up once again and the tears started streaming. “I'm sorry, buck. I just never know what else to do.”

Bucky grabbed you gently and pulled you into him, feeling his warmth more closely. He shushed you softly and wiped away the tears from your cheek as he placed another kiss on the top of your head. Holding you close to his chest, you would faintly hear his heartbeat over your racing thoughts, bringing you down back to earth as you focused on the beats of his chest. Eventually, you calmed down completely but bucky didn't let you go yet, he still held you close. He was slightly rocking you back and forth as he rubbed your back with his metal arm.

“Can you sit still and be good for a moment? I need to grab something real quick, sweetheart.” he pulled away just far enough so he could see your face. He wiped away whatever tears remained on your face. Bucky gave you a small reassuring smile as you nodded while mumbling a quiet agreement.

And soon enough he got up and the warmth of his body left you again feeling empty and you slumped back into the wall behind you. You felt so drained and limp you could have fallen unconscious right here an now. The quietness of the room felt intimating, it was so easy for you to grow accustomed to Bucky’s presence that it terrified you. You wondered if he would lie and leave and not come back, finally getting fed up with your self-destruction and cleaning up your messes. You wouldn’t blame him for it, leaving you, you didn't believe you deserves an ounce of his care. He was an ex-assassin and struggling to come back from being brainwashed to do horrible things without a choice, while now being in a new time, having to adjust to a new world. He needed to focus on himself and take time to recover. Not take care of you. But as soon as you were about to convince yourself Bucky wasn't coming back and that you did in fact deserved it he came through the bathroom door again, with a bowl in his hands.

You tilt your head, your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion to see a bowl of ice in his hands as he sets it down in between the two of you. bucky sits down next to you and grabs ahold of your unbandaged arm. “If it absolutely has to hurt,” he grabs a couple of cubes of ice and puts them in your hand to hold. “Holding ice for a while usually leaves a sting.”

As your fingers wrapped around the cold cubes in your hand, you waited and as he said, it left a small sting. You held it in your warm, sweaty hands until it melted and grabbed another fistful. Your eyes traveled up to Bucky’s face to see he was already looking at you with loving eyes.

“Bucky..” you began to speak, but your words fell short and nothing came out.

He sighed, “I'm not going to tell you to stop, because I understand what you’re feeling.” he paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “But I really care about you and it hurts knowing you have to harm yourself to feel better.”

“I'm sorry,” you said, was all you could think to say to him at this moment. You dropped the rest of the ice into the bowl and shoved it aside and shifted, trying to scoot your drained body close to bucky. “I'm sorry that I hurt you.”

Bucky blinked a few times before grabbing your face again and giving you another comforting kiss on your forehead. Both vibranium and flesh hands raised to hold your face, pulling all your attention onto him.

“Promise me that next time you feel like this. come to my room and ill take care of you, doll” he spoke sincerely. His eyes sparkled with admiration it almost made you want to cry.

You raised a shaky hand and stuck out your pinky finger in front of him. “Pink promise.”

Bucky's eyes shot from your face to your hand, and a small smile crept onto his face at your gesture. But nonetheless, he took his flesh hand in yours, repeating the line before both of you locked it with a kiss on the hand.

“Now let's get you to bed.”

And with that Bucky helped you up, guiding you slowly to your bedroom. He asked you if you wanted to change out of your clothes, and you just explained to him how tired you were and you flopped onto the bed. After tucking yourself comfortably under your blanket and settling to your side, Bucky followed after tugging off his shirt. His arms wrapped around you as he began to speak sweet nothings into the back of your head as you dozed off into sleep.

[doumadono]

this is an emergency request

i think?? i’m not sure how they work,,,,

but i just relapsed after 7 months of being clean from self harm and i’m just looking for comfort.

could you write twice (mha) comforting and cleaning the reader? if you don’t write for him then aizawa or dabi?

thank you for taking time out of your day to read this, i hope you’re doing well and taking care❤️‍🩹

Warnings: mentions of self harm, mentions of blood, gn!reader

A/N: Relapses can happen, but remember that your progress over those months is still a significant achievement. I'm proud that you've navigated this period without harming yourself. I'm sure you're strong and capable, and you can overcome this setback.Take it one step at a time, and remember that there is hope and healing on the horizon. I'm certain that brighter days are on the horizon, my dear Anonnie. If you ever need to vent or just talk to a sympathetic ear, don't hesitate to reach out to me

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Twice

The neon lights of the city painted the bathroom with an otherworldly glow, but you were lost in the depths of your own darkness. The emotional turmoil had reached a breaking point, and you found yourself in a small, run-down apartment, struggling to cope with it all. On this particularly difficult evening, the feelings of frustration and despair became too much to bear, and you resorted to a harmful way of coping. You sat on the bathroom floor, tears streaming down your face, as self-inflicted wounds marred your skin, the blood dripping down your forearms.

As you sat there, tears in your eyes, the door creaked open. You looked up to see Jin standing in the front door with a concerned expression. He had known something was wrong and had rushed over to check on you. His wild, disheveled appearance contrasted with the softness in his eyes. "Hey there, Y/N," he said gently, kneeling beside you. "God, little one… What have you done?" He carefully took your hands and examined your injuries, his touch surprisingly gentle.

Twice, despite his chaotic personality, had a way of being incredibly nurturing in times of need. He fetched a first-aid kit from your bathroom and began to clean and bandage your wounds with a surprising level of expertise. All the while, he kept up a soothing stream of chatter, talking about the most random, yet oddly comforting, topics.

Once your wounds were properly tended to, he pulled you into a tight embrace, holding you close as if he could protect you from all the pain. "You're not alone in this," he whispered, his voice full of sincerity. "I'm here for you, okay? You don't have to go through this by yourself. And please, I'm begging you, don't you ever do that again, ok?"

With his arms around you, Twice stayed by your side, sharing stories of his own struggles and how he found strength in unexpected places. He didn't offer solutions, but his presence and his willingness to listen were immensely comforting. Jin enveloped you in a warm embrace, his arms encircling your shoulders. Both of you sat on the cold bathroom floor, and he began to sway with you gently, back and forth, humming a soft, comforting melody while his hand moved in soothing circles on your back. "It will pass, it will pass, Y/N," he whispered, his voice filled with reassurance.

You soon realized that behind the mask of chaos, there was a man who truly cared about your well-being, offering a unique kind of comfort that made you feel less alone in your struggles.

Dabi

The world had grown darker with every passing day, and the weight of your own demons had become unbearable. The darkness was consuming you, and you couldn't escape its grasp. In a moment of despair, you resorted to harming yourself as a twisted form of release. You found yourself in a secluded hideout, your trembling hands clutching a blade that had caused your pain.

Dabi, had been growing increasingly concerned about your well-being. Finally, he found you in that desolated place he knew you liked to visit. He saw your distress and the wounds that marred your skin, and his expression shifted from its usual stoicism to one of genuine concern. "Damn it," he muttered, kneeling beside you. "You can't keep doing this to yourself. Cut that out," he muttered, reaching out to take the blade gently from your trembling hand, and threw it aside. His touch was surprisingly gentle, considering his reputation of a villain.

Dabi proceeded to clean and bandage your wounds with a careful precision. The silence was oddly comforting. Dabi didn't fill the air with meaningless words; he let the sound of your breathing and his concentrated actions speak for themselves. You watched him work, the pain slowly subsiding under his careful touch. As he worked, his burning hand emitted a controlled, soothing warmth that helped ease your pain.

In this moment of vulnerability, you poured out your frustrations, letting the tears and words flow freely.

Dabi listened, his expression never changed, yet his turquise eyes often were locking on yours.

Once your wounds were taken care of, Dabi reached out, running his fingers through your hair, a rare display of tenderness. "I can't stand to see you hurt like this," he admitted. "You're stronger than you realize, but you don't have to carry this burden alone. I'm here, like you were here for me back then, and I won't let you fall."

Dabi stayed with you, his presence a source of comfort. Dabi gently cupped your face in his hands, his thumbs tenderly caressing your cheeks, still damp from the tears you had shed. "Listen to me," he murmured, his voice low and filled with concern, "Instead of resorting to such actions, next time, come and talk to me, okay? Self-harm won't lead you anywhere, and even if it provides temporary relief, it always casts a darker shadow afterward. You understand?"

You gave him a nod. Despite his fiery exterior, you could see the depths of his compassion and his genuine desire to help you find your way through the darkness.

[oh-stars]

A Fire in May

F is for Fireplace

Ohstars Alphabet Prompts | M | 1,010 words | cw: alcoholism, relapse, light angst/happy ending

---

They don’t light it often, but when they do, it’s always special. Eddie sits on the edge of the coffee table as the wood in the fireplace starts to ignite. It’s a useless fire, more for aesthetic purposes than any life saving warmth, but that’s not exactly the point either. There’s no need for a fire in the middle of May, just like there was no need for Eddie to go three towns over to a chain bakery to pick up a pie when Steve owns a bakery. His husband is the best damn baker he’s ever met, and yet he picked up a pie on the way home anyway. 

The wood crackles in front of him as the kindling starts to settle. It should be good to sit for a moment, which as Eddie looks at the massive clock (a wall clock, mind you, no grandfather clocks allowed in this home) is right on schedule. Steve should be home any minute now from his meeting. 

It’s been a tough few weeks, probably the toughest they’ve had in years. Things are getting better now that the bakery is out of the seasonal rush (even if Steve is knee deep in event and wedding season, he claims it isn’t as stressful) and their insurance finally closed out the ticket from the accident last fall. Wayne’s finally moved in and settled, resting in his room as Eddie gets everything ready for tonight. It’d been a fight to get him to move in, to leave that little trailer back in Indiana and move out west, but eventually (and after a close call with a near tumble off his porch) Wayne decided he’s too old to live alone. 

Everyone’s finally doing okay, there are no major stressors within the Party or their own little family, but it’s still tough. Even without Eddie’s car getting t-boned (in a parking lot, by the way. He wasn’t even driving it!), the bakery being what it is (a headache and a half if you ask Eddie — he tried the whole small business thing and his tattoo shop tanked after a year, but Steve has a better handle on things and the years of experience under his belt Eddie didn’t have), or even Wayne’s health, none of it would have mattered. 

Not when Steve relapsed back in March. 

He’d been five years sober, a month shy from earning his next chip, when it happened. An ill-timed tattoo convention took Eddie away for a weekend, on the anniversary of Eddie’s second run-in with the Upside Down. It’s been years since it reared its ugly head, but every now and then the anniversaries make it harder to forget. Usually, Steve handles them fine, has plans in place to get through all five of his anniversaries so he doesn’t drown in the bottle, whether Robin or Eddie’s available or not. And according to Steve, he did them. He tried so hard, but all it took was one nasty online review of the bakery on the wrong day while Eddie was out of town to throw it all out the window. 

Eddie had found him passed out on the bed, empty bottle of vodka still in his fist. 

And now, Steve’s back in meetings three nights a week, working on his gold chip in just a few days time. They’re working through it together, with Eddie going to his own meetings twice a week — once for Al Anon and another for NA. 

But tonight was Steve’s solo meeting, so Eddie took the opportunity to do something special. 

He hears Steve’s car pull into the driveway as he’s fixing their plates. Eddie sets down the plates in their usual spots and hurries to the living room, right as Steve walks in.  

Steve pauses, magnified eyes focused on the burning fire in the living room as he sets down his keys. “You built a fire?” 

“I did,” Eddie says as he drifts into Steve’s space. 

“Why?” 

Eddie adjusts Steve’s glasses and helps balance him as he takes off his shoes. “You said you were homesick,” Eddie explains as he guides Steve to the table, “and I know your mom loved to use her fireplace-“

“And ours reminds me of hers,” Steve finished with a love stuck smile. “Eds,” he starts. 

“If you’re about to say I didn’t need to do this,” Eddie interrupts, “then don’t. It’s nothing extravagant but I made us dinner and ordered your favorite pie from—“

Steve kisses him, forceful and tender all at once. “I love you,” he whispers when they pull away. 

“I love you too,” Eddie says. He brushes back Steve’s peppered hair and kisses his forehead. “Let’s eat so we can snuggle by the fire. I made your favorite.” 

“Are those flowers?” Steve asks as they separate, moving as a unit toward the dining table. 

There’s a bouquet of multicolored flowers that Eddie doesn’t know the names to, and neither does Steve but he’ll be asking Robin about by morning, on the table. Usually they have the paper flowers their niece made them as the centerpiece, but Eddie retired those to the office for their impromptu date night. 

They enjoy their meal in peace, playing footsie under the table as they share bits and pieces of their day. When they settle in front of the fire, a record playing softly and the dishes in the dishwasher, it’s like time slows down with them. 

“You really didn’t have to do this,” Steve says as he leans into Eddie’s chest. Usually he’d be the big spoon, so Eddie’s taking every chance he gets to hold Steve close. 

“I know, baby love.” 

“I’m glad you did though,” he admits. 

Eddie kisses the top of his head. “Me too. I think we both needed this.” 

Steve hums, but doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t need to, not when they’re both on the same page. The battles are never over and tomorrow will bring its own stress and headaches, but for now, and for always, they’ve got each other. That’s all that matters. 

---

Thank you @lady-lostmind!

Ao3 link

[fadelion]

I'd really dig a Duke solo run right now. Or rather, a Duke focused run that shows off Gotham during the day again and has minimal appearances from other bats and established heroes. Something that shows how he runs things when it's just coming down to him. And brings the old Robin Crew back.

I admit, I feel like the curing of his parents was kinda anticlimactic. Like, if Metamorpho can synthesize a cure for Joker Gas, that guy needs to be on speed-dial. (Is he probably busy and hard to reach like every other hero trying to do this full time while maintaining a personal life? Probably? Would I offer him some of that Batman money to make some time every few weeks or so to examine all the various toxins and such used by multiple Gotham villains? Absolutely.) So, maybe that cure didn't work. Not permanently. A rare misread from Metamorpho, something that he could've and would've fixed ifnhed seen it. Maybe that gas mutates the victim over time, and if they stay dosed long enough, they start to relapse, even if cured. What if Duke's parents just have the occasional fit of mad laughter. Just an incident here, once or twice a month or so. But they seem to get longer each time, and then they start happening once a week. Twice a week. Every other day. And Duke is starting to freak out, running himself ragged on his off time to try to figure out what went wrong.

At some point, he recalls a case he was on that he never really got a chance to fully close out: The White Market. This place (seen in Batman - Case Files: Signal) was a whole villian swap meet, full of interesting gear, tools, spoils, and inventions, all hidden on a whole other wavelength that most people can't even see. Maybe some other villian has a cure-all for this kind of thing, or just something useful until Metamorpho gets free (the man muttered something about a "Danger Street" in one of the quickest phone calls Duke ever had, and Black Lightning and Katana are probably still on the same kind of stuff they were doing when Jason ran into them a few months back). Maybe, after some time has passed, they feel comfortable opening up a Gotham access point again, now that the heat seems to have died down.

Of course, there was a whole other half to that incident. Mainly that a Riko and Dax, somehow empowered by a tech billionaire, showed up to work the same case, Riko leeching Duke's powers to match the wavelength necessary to get into the White Market in the first place. Yeah, it ended with a blown cover and Duke getting beat bad enough that they were able to confirm he has a healing factor, but it's still unfinished business, and going toe to toe and blow for blow with people that used to be friends can't leave a good taste in his mouth. And it's not just Duke trying to figure it out. After all, you don't throw money like that into a project, and then scrap it, especially one of the steps in your plan is to jump a Bat (the new, daytime Bat, but still a bat). So they have to be still looking, right? If he can find a way into that tech guy's system, maybe he can get hold of some information he missed.

So, Duke has with a conversation with Tim about what Duke plans to do (because anybody else is busy (Nightwing running the Titans/League, Red Hood... "recovering"), out of the city (I think Batman is off world in comics at the moment? There's a current running comic about it. ), or might try to stop/join him (Oracle, Black Bat, and Spoiler, who have a Birds of Prey thing running right now, IIRC, and Robin, who's probably helping hold down the night shift). And Tim is all for it, willing to cover some things for him as long as Duke is sharing information and doesn't get himself killed. Duke makes sure Tim has Izzy's contact info and vice versa, and maybe emergency Hatch access, and he's out in the streets the next day, trying to find an access point for information on the place where he might find a cure for his parents. Only instead of a Bat over his shoulder, he's got Izzy in his ear and just his own skills in the field against assorted villians, another billionaire, and whatever he's still gotta deal with in the day to day to even have the time for this.

And all the while, there's a part of him thinking that maybe he can get the old crew back together instead. If they don't beat each other senseless on sight first, anyway.

Or maybe after. A win is a win.

[bucky-h0e]

A/n: Bucky's celebratory day! This is a long-term fic, so make sure to check out the Serendipity Masterlist for more Alpine and Bucky! I am open to requests and love hearing feedback - don't be shy!

So we get to see a little bit more of Alpine's character, other than the absolute chaotic mess that she was introduced as. This ended up being a lot more angsty than I wanted it, but I like how it went, Alpine's character needed a bit more development.

warnings: some absolute pure unfiltered fluff and angst (mainly angst), Alpine being a little sweetheart, Bucky nearly cries (for good reasons), mentions of both Bucky's and Alpine's trauma, an extremely angsty father's day (i am so sorry it just sort of happened)

Alpine's First Father's Day Celebration

Now, mother's day was a success. Much to Bucky's disappointment, Alpine and Sam had gone out for dinner that night, wanting some 'mother-daughter' bonding

Sam outright refused to acknowledge it as such

but seeing these two bond and grow closer over this celebration, Bucky was nervous about father's day

would he say he thought of Alpine as a daughter?

yes

does he think he deserves the absolute pleasure to be considered her father?

no

he did a lot of bad things in his past life and a part of him

a very small but frustrating part of him

would do it all again if it meant that Alpine would be in his life

it scared him and he hated that part of him

the part that was okay hurting people as long as Alpine was in his life one way or another

it was this type of thought that would cause Bucky to fear that the Winter Soldier still remained within him

despite everything he had done and all the help he had received, no matter how many therapy sessions he went to or how many people he apologised to

he still thought of himself as a monster

and he wasn't sure he'd think of himself any other way

which is why, on the days leading up to the first father's day they would celebrate together

Bucky avoided Alpine

she was livid

normally, she could just walk into his apartment

unafraid of him kicking her out, or of him attacking her out of pure instinct

she knew he wouldn't hurt her on purpose

or at least, she thought he wouldn't

so when she skipped across the hall, put her hand on the handle to twist and push it open, only the faceplant into the locked door

she was fuming

"JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES"

was her nose bleeding?

oh most definitely

after going back into her own apartment to stuff her nose full of tissues, she steps back out into the hall, knocking on the door

once

twice

thrice

"Bucky? You in there old man?"

silence

honestly, this man

she checks her phone in case he had gone on a mission late last night but normally he'd wake her

he knows she worries about him

when three more knocks went unanswered, she called Sam

he hadn't heard from him either

but he had heard that Bucky asked for an emergency therapy session

which surprised her because Bucky HATED going to those

"Sam, I'm real worried. His door is locked, LOCKED! I'm just looking for the spare key now then i can-"

"Hey, you still haven't gotten him a father's day present, why don't you run into the city today and see what you can get? I'll meet you later on, I just need to do something first."

she wasn't stupid

she knew what Sam was doing

she knew what he was thinking

Bucky had relapsed

impossible

Bucky would not have relapsed, not after everything that had happened with Zemo and the flag-smashers

after all the stress he had been through in those first few months of them meeting, everything that happened with Yori...

no

Bucky Barnes had not relapsed

he just needed some time to himself

to be reminded of who he was

and who he wasn't

what he wasn't

"Alpine? Al, you there kid?"

"Yeah! Sorry! I just panicked for a minute because I totally forgot i hadn't got him a present, thanks for the reminder. You'll check in on him right? Before you come and meet me?"

she could feel Sam's tension be released when she responded

"Yeah, yeah. You know, he's probably just being a little princess, jealous of all the time we're spending together. You know how much of a drama queen he can be."

Alpine can't smile at the joke

not when she knows it's only there to try and trick her into a false sense of relief

no, she wasn't stupid.

but she'd play the part anyway.

"Tell me about it, never thought I'd see a 106 year old super soldier be jealous of little ol' me, guess I'm just that amazing"

they say goodbye and Alpine takes one last glance at Bucky's door

worth a try

"Buck... I don't know if you can hear me, you might be in your room. If you are then you know, fuck you for making me talk to myself."

on the other side of the door, Bucky smiles

"I just... I want you to know that you're okay... and it's okay to not be okay... but you are. I know you are. Whatever this is, it'll pass and you'll work through it because you're James fucking Barnes and..." She pauses for a second because jesus christ

she is deadass about to tell Bucky she loves him

that he is her family

that he is her hero

that she would do anything for him

but she can't

because she would actually die of embarrassment

Alpine is not good at emotions

"a-and so, get your shit together, because i'm not giving up until you remember that James Barnes ain't no ones bitch!"

with that she very quickly leaves because ew, emotions

Bucky can't help but smile at her words of encouragement as he listens to the sounds of her footsteps getting further away, the elevator dinging as it opens for her, the almost silent, barely there sob that leaves her mouth as those same doors close

it's an hour later that he breaks out of the shock he was in when Sam knocks on the door, frantically calling for Bucky to open the goddamn door

he does and can't even register that Sam is furious with him for going no contact with both him and Alpine for two days

and Bucky stands there and takes the verbal abuse

because he made her cry

and he deserves Sam's angry shouts

and he needs him to knock some sense into him

because if Bucky knew one thing after hours of torturing himself with hateful thoughts

it was that he never wanted to be the reason for Alpine's tears

ever again

Now, Alpine hadn't meant to cry

in fact she was pretty sure that the last time she cried at something not induced by stress or laughing to hard

she was a child

back at home with... them

and she will be damned if she ever cried about anything not stress induced ever again

so in the short elevator ride to the lobby of their building, she had straightened herself out, wiped her tears and faced the city with a determined attitude

she would find Bucky a present that reminded him of who he was

she had introduced him to a lot of things in the 21st century

but nothing seemed to connect

that was until they watched The Hobbit, of course Alpine ended up falling asleep and Bucky stayed up like an actual maniac to watch all the movies in a span of 9+ hours (with bathroom breaks, he was sure he could have binged it but he also wanted to put Alpine to bed, so ended up having to pause it just to tuck her into his bed before returning to finish the movies)

She had heard Sam say that Bucky had claimed to have read the book when it first came out

when she heard that, she'd been looking at trying to get a first edition book for her dear friend and father figure

keeping tabs and making friends with local antique bookshop owners just to be able to get a chance.

what harm would it do to do the rounds whilst she brain stormed some other ideas for him

on her trip, she'd managed to get a few books she thought he'd might like

the harry potter series, eragon, the lion, the witch and the wardrobe

she would spoil him with love and affection (a very different route to Sam who was cursing Bucky out at this point)

the first few shops had unfortunately been duds in her search for the first edition Hobbit book, and she had started debating on just getting him a newer version of the series until the last shop she walked in

"Ah! I was just about to call you missy! I have that booked you've been looking for!"

She could have screamed

she did scream

so loud the other patrons thought she was actually getting stabbed

"NO YOU DON'T!"

she couldn't believe her luck! on the day she truly really needed it, she had found a first edition book, one exactly like the one Bucky would have owned

the yellowing pages, hardback cover, faded title

used, loved, a timeless piece of history

sure the pages were slightly ripped, it had very obviously been well loved but still preserved

as she looked through the pages, she smiles at the pencil marks - whoever had this book must have loved it

the only issue was the price

"$200?! I can't persuade you to lower that?"

"It's a rare collectable my dear, if you don't get it now, someone else will."

Alpine had the money

she had savings for rainy days and emergency funds just in case the worst happened

again, she wasn't stupid

but $200 on a book?

she sighed once again, flicking through the pages

could she really justify spend-

hold on a hot damn second

was that

she frowns, looking at the faded hand written ink

"Sorry, can I borrow your glasses?"

the old bookstore owner nods, allowing the girl to use the glasses to look at the name handwritten on the cover page

'PROPERTY OF James Buchanan Barnes'

Alpine had never handed money over so fast

out of all the first edition books to get, she had managed to somehow find Bucky's copy

it belonged to him and she would have sold her entire soul to the devil just to be able to get that man his own property back

she had to get back to him

father's day was in a couple of days but this discovery could not wait and if Bucky Barnes had his door locked still then Alpine was grabbing the emergency axe in the hall way to smash that mans door down

she never ran faster in her life

that was a lie (but a story for another time)

by this point, it had been a fair few hours.

Sam had been and gone, having knocked some sense into Bucky before leaving to report that he had in fact NOT relapsed into the Winter Soldier

Now, the grumpy old man waited outside his apartment for Alpine to get back, sighing and huffing with every minute that passed, pacing back and forth, watching the elevator move between floors

he had heard the door to the stairs slam open, the panting and gasping before the rapid footsteps and a frantic

"BUCKY!"

He turned, running down the hallway and crashing into the young girl, grabbing her and stabling them as he hugged her

"Al, I'm so sorry kid. I can't explain what happened, but I promise I will never-"

"Bucky shut up and listen to me."

fucking

rude

he frowns at her, like the fucking audacity

"I'm trying to apologise for being a jackass here."

"Oh, well in that case- carry on mr i'm going to ignore my best friend in the entire world."

"I heard you crying-"

"Oh fucking ew never mind."

he sighs, grabbing her face gently in his hands as she tries to full away because ew fucking emotions

he smiles at her, watching as she relaxes, confusion on her face before her breathe hitches when he places a gentle and very hesitant kiss on her head

"Al, I can't promise that something like that will never happen again, because my brain is messed up, I'm messed up" He shushes her when she tries to interrupt him, smiling at her

"But, I can promise, that as soon as I come out of that.. place.. I will make it up to you in every way possible. You, my annoying little neighbour, are one of the best things that's ever happened to me and I'll be damned if i ever make you cry again. If I do, you can beat me to a pulp."

they both laugh because Alpine can't fight for shit

she wouldn't even know where to start

"Can I make you watch Real Housewives instead?"

"Anything you want."

They definitely spend about ten minutes just hugging each other

they spent two whole days apart, these touch starved babies are desperate just to know that they still have each other

Eventually, they move to Bucky's apartment, deciding that they deserved a good movie night and they still had to watch the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World franchise (they'd been putting it off for a few weeks because Bucky wasn't convinced that a movie on dinosaurs would be something he was interested in - but Alpine seemed to enjoy it_

Alpine had managed to get distracted by the dinos, laughing and letting Bucky know of the inaccuracies of the franchise

Bucky had managed to calm down, keeping an arm around Alpine, not wanting to let her go just yet, still feeling awful about having made her cry

it wasn't until Bucky mentioned that he did enjoy the fantasy side of the franchise that Alpine gasped and sat up straight from leaning on Bucky

he frowns and watched her as she runs to her bag dumped by the door

he was going to her a coat rack just so she'd stop dumping her coat and bags on the floor as soon as she got in

"Were you in here, when I spoke to you through the door?"

Bucky glances at her

"Depends, do you want me to have been here?"

Alpine thinks back and then nods, "For the last part"

Bucky grins, "Bucky Barnes ain't no ones bitch?"

Alpine grins back, "Bucky Barnes is his own bitch, with his own bitchin' thoughts and his own personality and likes and dislikes'" she nods firmly grabbing the book from her bag

"And, Bucky Barnes, has his own goddamn property back."

she holds it out to him and he pauses, eyebrows furrowed before he takes the book

"Al, you didn't have to-"

"Shut up, and open it. Cover page."

he does and he freezes

this was the book he had shipped over from Britain when it first came out

this was the book that he read at night

this was the book he reread for months

this was the book he left behind when he was sent over to Britain for active duty

this was HIS book

his past

his memories

his handwriting

it had survived all these years

it had survived and somehow so had he

and as he looks at Alpine, who was nervously ranting about how she just saw it and knew he had to have it back, how it was a father's day present albeit early

he knew he was going to be okay, just as she had said

If a piece of his past had managed to survive this long without being put on display in a glass case in a museum, without being caged or made to do something other than it's purpose

then he can continue to heal outside of influence of third parties

she's still ranting as he stands, making his way over to her and wrapping her in his arms, holding her tightly, his flesh hand delicately running through her hair as his tears build

he forces them back, not wanting to panic his neighbour turned daughter

he feels her arms hesitantly wrap around his waist, though she's still tense

one day he'll find out why, he'll find out her real name and he'll help her heal like she had him (more than she would ever truly know)

but for now, he'll cherish the relationship he shares with Alpine, and he'll celebrate every father's day with her, with no worries on whether or not he deserves to have this

because one thing is for sure

Alpine does not care whether or not Bucky Barnes deserves her affection, she want's to give it and that's what she will do. Whether he likes it or not (spoiler alert - he loves it and he loves her)

"So if we could spend next years father's day not in a maybe kind of argument that would be great, because this was a really emotionally exhausting day and I don't think we need to do this type of thing for a hot while."

"Of course. If Sam asks, Father's day was better than mother's day."

"Sure, sure, so long as you say I found that book in a dump because i spent maybe $30 on Sam and $200 is a lot more."

Bucky laughs and nods before processing her words

"$200?!"

and as Bucky tightened their hug and Alpine started nervously laughing and trying to get away from him to avoid this punishment (is it really though?)

neither one of them would rather be anywhere else

[acosmicdisappointment]

the burn book.

𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐘𝐀 𝐋𝐔𝐍𝐀 𝐃𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐄𝐙-𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐑𝐀, 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄

𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭.

during the ask meme week, i had the opportunity to answer if enzo was a sentimental person and he is. he collects the little things during the duration of the relationship/situationship or whatever ship he's in. this boy keeps mementos and yet can't even put a label on things? c'mon enzo be fr.

photobooth strip. i tried editing them together okay? not really a photoshop pro but whatever. as per link, luna is and i quote a 'photo taking bitch'. so in my head, during their time together they dragged him to a photobooth to take pictures. notice how he's smiling in the 2nd pic but gets progressively bored/distracted on the 3rd and 4th photo. at this point enzo's kinda getting tired of whatever he has with luna. he's definitely becoming uninterested and this was proof of it. flower. enzo did give luna flowers before (once? twice?). it was under the guise of a sweet gesture (definitely not because he was messing around with someone the day before) somehow this one fell from the bouquet which he found it on the car floor. because he's sick in the head, he decided to keep it. gum. enzo smokes but not a lot. he does it whenever he's stressed, angry or nervous. he wanted to kiss luna for the first time but he remembered he had just smoked so he decided to chew a piece of gum before doing so. this was way before he knew luna thought smoking is very attractive. well let's just say that was the first and last time enzo chewed gum before making out with luna. bandaid. enzo loves to get in to physical fights. he'd start it most of the time and obvious win every single time. he gets into more fights way back then than now. one night, he took luna out for a drive and lo and behold there's a cut on his face. luna gives him a bandaid (maybe a kiss too?) according to link, luna would keep bandaids just in case he hurt himself somehow. receipt. according to link, luna wanted enzo to like them so bad she'd eat whatever he wanted. there was a time where enzo was craving chinese and well luna being the kind person she is kept that in mind to bring back up later when they messaged him to go out. he thought she really loved his favorite food when she actually hated it though he found that out later on. polaroid. i'd like to think that this photo was taken in the beginning where things were 'happy'. it's them together in bed doing whatever cutesy things couples do. laughing and giggling and whatever. enzo liked the way luna smiled and well wanted to immortalize the moment. ticket. i think they watched a movie of luna's choice. enzo isn't a big horror guy but he'd sit through it with his arm around luna and his hand on her thigh the whole time. the fool in reverse. he knows about luna's interest in tarot so i think he got a reading somewhere and well that was one of the cards. how he got the card i don't know. i have no knowledge about tarot cards whatsoever so interpret that in anyway you want.

𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

sometimes when working out or driving, isn't enough, enzo writes as a way to let out his feelings. wrote how he and luna met up til the present day. he wrote over them in frustration. the red and black ink are him going back and forth about how he feels. one minute he's upset and wants to ruin luna and drew's relationship, then the next he's relapsing and wanting her to take him back.

𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚 '𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤'?

for enzo, it started as a joke. like a book where he can look back on the people he's been with. like proof he's been with this girl and that girl. it was supposed to be a one time thing but he kind of liked it...

𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐚 '𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤'?

it started as an accident. one of the pages from his past got burnt when he was playing with his lighter. but there was something that kind of clicked in him as he watched the flames eat up the paper. when it was time to move on he'd burn part of the page as a metaphoric thing "burning bridges" or whatever. him burning luna's page is a sign that he's moving on. that he's over her...but is it really over now?

so there you have it, enzo's burn book. this has been on my mind ever since angel sent that 'freak note' pinterest photo and sam calling it a 'burn book' (shoutout to you two baddies for this!) i originally wanted to make several pages (who knows maybe i will and future wcs for enzo perhaps?) but let's be honest luna's page is the most important, am i right?

will there be a new page added to the burn book? well...we'll just have to wait and see now would we?

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[sirianasims]

Chapter 26

Love Me Anyway

“Welcome back, Eric, doctor Holland is ready to see you.”

“Thank you, mr. Holland.”

“Hello, Eric. How have you been doing since last time? You’re still staying sober?”

“Yeah. I think I’m doing pretty well, actually. I mean, it’s still rough sometimes, but I mostly struggle when I’m alone for too long. And my neighbours check up on me regularly and invite me over for dinner, and my parents call me at least twice a week.”

“That’s good. And the antidepressants seem to be working too – do you want to try lowering the dose a little?”

“I don’t know… actually, no. It doesn’t feel… safe. Not yet. I really don’t want to relapse.”

“Understandable. We won’t touch them yet, then. How’s your daughter?”

“Oh, Freya’s great! She’s doing well in school, she plays football and basketball and wants to go back to Mt. Komorebi so she can snowboard again. But the best thing is, I just finished renovating the house – and she got a new bedroom!”

“Her mother and I finally agreed that I’m doing well enough that she’s comfortable with Freya living with me every other weekend.”

“That’s wonderful news, Eric! I’m happy for you. You deserve it, you’ve worked very hard in the last year. What about your job then?”

“Well, I’m still running the clinic alone, and it’s hard, but it also means I’m too exhausted to lie awake for too long at night, so I guess that’s positive. I’m still debating whether to hire a nurse or a vet. But I promise that it will be a man either way.”

“Good. I don’t usually approve of hiring someone based on gender, but I don’t think it’s wise for you to be working too closely with women just yet. You still have some work to do.”

“I know. It gets lonely, though. I mean, I haven’t… been intimate with anyone for almost a year now. Not since the vacation to Mt. Komorebi.”

“I know. And I’m no stranger to mixing love and work – after all, my husband is my receptionist. But until you’ve dealt with your tendency to use sex as a distraction, I think it’s better this way. Have you given some thought to what we talked about last time, about figuring out what you really want?”

“I’m trying. It’s just… I thought I already knew, right? I had everything planned out since I was a teenager, so there was never any doubt or insecurity to deal with. And then I met Katherine and suddenly my carefully planned future looked completely impossible. I felt lost.”

“You were still able to graduate and start a vet clinic, though. That was part of your plan, right?”

“Yes, but it just didn’t… quite live up to my expectations, I guess? My plans hadn’t involved Freya or her mother at all, so everything felt wrong. And I couldn’t even bond with my daughter at first, it was horrible. I didn’t know how to deal with it, I just tried to escape it all like a coward.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Eric. You were only 23, you had a lot to deal with, and postpartum depression in men is woefully under-diagnosed, I’m afraid. But now that you’re doing better, what are your long-term goals? What do you want out of life? What about finding love?”

“Love?”

“Yes, love! I’m not going to force you to be celibate forever, Eric. So what do you want? Do you want to fall in love? Do you want to get married? Have more children?”

“I… yes? I think I do. I’ve just tried not to think about it, not since – I had an ex once, we really had something special but we broke up when we went to different universities. Then one day she came into my clinic, and I remembered how I always wanted to find true love and get married and all that. But I’d just had Freya at the time, and… things turned out differently.”

“Eric, listen. You’re what, 31 now? Take it from me, I’m twice your age, and your life is far from over. You have plenty of time to fall in love again, get married, have as many children as you want.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Well, that’s all for today, Eric. Keep working on your goals. I’ll see you in two weeks, and remember – no women, no booze.”

“No women, no booze. Thanks, doctor Holland.”

“Same time in two weeks, Eric?”

“That’d be great, mr. Holland. Thank you.”

I left feeling strange. I often felt relieved or exhausted after a therapy session, but this time I felt… excited? Scared? Maybe a bit of both. I hadn’t allowed myself to even consider getting into a relationship for a long time.

Was I even able to fall in love? I loved my parents and my daughter, but I couldn’t even imagine romantic love any longer.

beginning / previous / next

[thegoober010]

HELLO! PAW PRINT ANON IS BACK!

I ABSOLUTELY ADORED THE ONESHOT!!! IM GOING INSANE ITS SO GOOD!!!

I have a bit of a different request this time! (It’s not Mettaton, I know, shocking.)

Could you do some Sans x reader headcanons? Preferably hurt/comfort if thats alright :33

IF IM SENDING TOO MANY REQUESTS PLEASEEE DO SAY SO!! I DONT WANNA OVERWORK YOU!!!

-🐾

AAAAAA IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <333!!!

AND ITS TOTALLY FINE PAW PRINT ANON MWEHEHHE DW I LOVE DOING REQUESTS <333!!! AND OMG ITS NOTR METTATON RELATED!!!?!??!? shocking!!! absolutely BAFFLING!!

JKJK LMAO OFC I CAN DO THIS :)!! IT WOULD BE HELPFUL FOR NESXT TIME BTW LIKE WHAT TYPE OF HURT LIKE IF THE READER GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THEM OR MAYBE THEY NEED COMFORT AFTER A BREAKUP OR IF THEY NEED COMFORT AFTER RELAPSING, AN ED, OR SUM THATD BE HELPFUL FOR NEXT TIME BTW <33!! IMA JUST DO IT THAT THEY HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK TODAY THE READER WORKS AT LIKE GRILBYS OR SUM TEEHEE

SANS X READER HERE WE GOOO 🗣🗣🗣

TW/CW -> None really- Just a depressed reader!

word count -> 1k/1164! I didnt write as much on this post sorry!! im pretty tired rn its 1:15 am where im at rn LMAOOO

"Are you alright?"

Fuck your life, you just came back to the house after a long, grueling, shitty shift. You were so tired you almost collapsed onto the snow before you even made it home. You just wished it was peaceful for once, that you didn't feel burnt out, overwhelmed all the time, you just wanted to sleep and never wake up, maybe then you wouldn't feel so tired. As you opened the door you placed your bag on the couch and made your way to San's room, who was not only your best friend but your boyfriend as well. He always helped you, even though you didn't particularly enjoy talking about your feelings to him especially on nights like this he was always there for you, always making sure you were okay and took care of yourself and had a good rest after these long days. You mumbled to yourself as you opened the door to his room until you realized. "Fuck he's not here." You grumbled. You rubbed your temple as you sat on his bed, you were stressed and you needed him. Why can't he just be there for you? Why does he always have to be off somewhere else and then appear late whenever you need him. It pissed you off even more, you knew you were thinking irrationally, he was always there for you it's only a few times where he can't be and is busy, you were just too stressed to think properly though, too stressed to even think about anything else besides how badly you just need someone to help you out right now. You crawled on top of his bed, covering yourself with the blanket. The shift was honestly terrible, many customers were overly rude at Grilby's today, mostly newcomers, and it was so damn busy you couldn't really do much about those people/monsters, you were so frustrated by all the orders and all the insults thrown your way, in fact you got way less tips than usual which caused you to be even more upset, money wasn't much of a problem but come on! Tears swelled up in your eyes from all the built up frustration from not just this shift, but all the past shifts that were almost the exact same situation, you hated working on those days and how underemployed that place was because you had to work twice as hard due to that as well.

After a good 10 minutes of you laying on the bed, muttering to yourself about all the stuff that happened and about how much you just needed someone for once and crying silently, you heard the door creak open. You wiped away your tears quickly with the blanket, shifting slightly and pretending to fall asleep. You knew it was sans and if he sees you like this he'd ask, and you don't want to bother him with any of your problems. "I know you're not asleep." Sans said walking up to you, he sat on the bed near you. "What happened?" he asked. You let out a sigh as you hugged the blanket tighter. "I don't want to talk about it." You grumbled, your tone annoyed with a hint of sadness. Sans stared at you for a bit before fixing your hair. "Are you sure? I mean you've been coming home more upset than usual, is work alright? Anything happening?" Sans questioned, his tone of voice growing more concerned. You furrowed your brows as you could feel the corners of your eyes sweet up with tears once more. You covered yourself with the blanket, not even daring to look at Sans. "Stop it, just STOP. I told you I'm fine! You don't have to pry into every little detail of my life I just want you here with me I don't want you digging into this I told you I'm fine, I just wanted you here with me, fuck." you yelled at first, calming your voice down as to not wake up Papyrus and to try to calm yourself down. Your voice cracks, you didn't really mean to come off as rude, you're just tired, you don't want him to get worried or to try and fix your problems, you just want him there with you, to give you a hug or just give you comforting words, you don't want him prying too much into this, you don't want him getting worried.

Sans seemed taken aback by your remark. He stayed quiet for a bit before nodding, he understood how you felt. Everyone has different ways they deal with this situation and how they want others to react, some want others to pry into their life and try to help solve their problems, others just want them to be there with them during this but not get too involved in the situation and many other things, everyone reacts differently to this much stress. Of course he was a bit shocked and to be honest a little hurt by your words but he knows you're just stressed and don't mean to be rude. He truly does understand, he knows how you feel, so he will be there for you. "You're obviously not fine, but I understand you don't want me to be involved in the situation, you just want me to be there for you, I understand." Sans replied, he gave you a comforting pat on the shoulder before laying with you on the bed. He let out a long sigh as he crossed his arms behind his head. "Take some deep breathes, that usually helps with stress, and make sure to sleep well." Sans said, you nodded. "Come on, let's take a few deep breathes." Sans said, you rolled your eyes but it does usually help. You did as he said and took a few small and quick deep breathes, trying to make the tension in your body disappear and just try to relax. "Feeling any better?" Sans asked, you shook your head no which caused him to chuckle a bit. "Yeah I kinda thought so. Deep breathes won't immediately make you feel bette but it helps with tension, for now just rest, cry if you want, I'm here for you alright... I won't judge you for being emotional okay. I love you too much for that." Sans said giving a reassuring hand on your shoulder. You nodded, you turned your head to face him and give him a small smile. "I appreciate that.." you muttered, he gives you a quick nod. "No need to do that, just rest, I'm here for you. No matter what happens remember that okay, I'll always be here for you." Sans replied, he wrapped an arms around you, pulling you closer. You let out a soft sigh as you moved closer to him, you closed your tired eyes and felt yourself slowly start to fall asleep in his arms. He kept his arm wrapped around you and watched you slowly fall asleep.

"Sleep well, I'm here, okay."

[pynkhues]

So I know people tend to have lots and lots of opinion about dog pound but more often then not, I’ve seen a tendency for folks to give Roman’s recollection of the game (that dog pound was bulling/abusive/messed up in some way shape or form) the most weight…and this candidly baffles me for a bunch of reasons. I know the actor's opinions don't need to be given weight, but I see tons of weight given to actor interviews for Succession in other contexts and both Jeremy and Kieran (per an interview with Kieran around S3) signed on to the read that dog pound wasn’t traumatizing but was instead a rewritten memory because Roman generally felt like a victim and I tend to agree with that read. It also kind of fits in more with the dynamic we generally see Kendall and Roman have throughout the show and especially in Seasons 1-3. Add to this that Roman was around 4 when this took place if we're taking his word for it (making Kendall under 10 and Connor early 20’s-ish?) and again I’m wondering why his memory is given so much more weight than Connors.  Do you have any view or thoughts as to why Roman is treated as the more reliable narrator when it comes to dog pound and more broadly how do you tend to think about the siblings various contradictory childhood memories?  

It's an interesting one, isn't it?

I agree with you (and the actors, haha), that I think the dog pound wasn't traumatising or that it even really meant anything at the time they were playing it. It's just a children's game that took on a different meaning in their adulthood as Roman and Kendall's particular dynamic crystalised. I talked about it a little bit in this post about games on the show if you're interested in reading more about that in particular!

I do think the context of Roman bringing up the dog pound game when he did is also important and not talked about as much as it should be. After all, Kendall's kind of seen to have the more defined arc over these episodes between the failed coup, his relapse, then the upswing of him getting in bed with the enemy (Sandy and Stewy).

Roman though has a really complicated arc too - it's his inability to stand with Kendall which makes the coup fail, and his elevation as prized son in Austerlitz is undermined by what I tend to interpret as a mix of guilt and shame first over letting Kendall down and then over his relapse, which bleeds into a degree of protectiveness which we don't usually see from him, both in that episode and in the next (it's an underrated moment, but Roman offering to make everyone stop doing drugs at the party before they go in in 1.08 is very special to me).

But there's a shift then in 1.08 which is triggered by Stewy pretty blatantly cutting him out of something and folding Kendall back in. It's this teetering new power dynamic where any guilt he felt is swallowed up by the realisation he doesn't want to lose this new station as the dog at their father's side, and I think he uses this distorted memory from childhood to justify his anger and try to reinforce this position. Kendall thought Roman was the weak dog once, but he's not, Kendall is. Kendall's the one out, Kendall's the weird one, Kendall is, as Shiv aptly put it in 1.01, not emotionally strong and has addiction issues.

(Interestingly too, while it's not in the episode, in the 1.08 script it shows that Roman's there when Kendall realises their dad's sent Greg to keep an eye on him, and I think there's this interesting emphasis there in Roman realising Kendall needs a babysitter twice - himself in the last ep and Greg in this one - which for him reinforces Kendall as the 'weak' one.)

He weaponises a long past memory that he treats as an immovable truth to not just play victim, but I think as a yardstick to show how far he's come, and how far Kendall's fallen.

As for why Roman's treated as the more reliable narrator, I think there are a few reasons for it. In particular, I do think Kendall is the Known Liar of the show, haha. All the kids lie to varying degrees of course, but Kendall really lies in a way that I tend to think can feel more insidious, particularly as he lies in such a wildly broad spectrum - sometimes it's aching self-flagellation, sometimes it's mortifying self-aggrandisement, sometimes it's just straight up pathetic, and sometimes it's just the awkward vulnerability of trying to save face (particularly when he's relapsing).

We don't see Roman explicitly lie all that much on the show, at least not in the way many of the other characters do. In some ways he's actually the opposite to Kendall because Kendall tends to use lies as a means of defense or a way to hide while Roman absolutely and often weaponises a truth. Orrr at least I'd say that's what he would like to think of himself? I actually think Roman lies all the time, it's just less through actual lying like Kendall does, and more through undermining the truth or playing around in the grey of it. He likes to lean on a question and see what it does to the truth, like he knows that it's malleable and wants to see the shape it could take, and that's overall something I find super interesting about his character, and I think feeds into a distortion of truth / memory.

But back to your question about why people see Roman as the more reliable narrator of their shared past, yes, I think it's viewed through the prism of Kendall being the one more likely to lie, but I also think it's due to Roman's abuse being easier to understand and more textual than Kendall and Shiv's. We see him get hit, both Shiv and Kendall talk about Roman being hit, Roman jokes about it and diminishes it, and even in 3.09 blames Kendall and Shiv for it (I actually think there's such an interesting parallel there to Roman being abandoned with the waterpistols and the story of Shiv being abandoned with the chocolate milk in the car, but that's a whole other story, haha).

We get childhood stories from Roman more than any of his siblings, so he feels like the one who thinks about it the most. Is that true? I don't know, but I get why that would make people put more stock in his role as the narrator of it.

As for the contradictory childhood memories, I do think the show is interested in the subjectiveness of memory overall, and the way people influence the past and make history malleable, and I think that exploring that through the very specific context of a family like the Roy's, who have a loose relationship with the truth at the best of times, is a pretty remarkable way to do it.