#not man not butch but a secret third thing(femme who's one of the boys and has the 'surprisingly likable male protagonist' personality type)

[punkeropercyjackson]

When i say my Stephanie Brown is gnc,this is what i mean

[officialspec]

can you pleeeeease post your dm sexuality/gender hcs on here.... 🥺 i don't have a twitter but i wanna know. it's like a pandora's box to me now i'm like scratching at the door. let me in

heres the link 2 the thread (mild spoilers btw) ill post a transcript under the cut for ppl who dont have twitter

first off i think laios relationship to sex is super removed for like 50 reasons without even getting into his actual sexuality

he grew up in a place with very repressed ideas about sex and has a lot of fear about asserting his presence in situations

his special interest takes precedent over any social interactions he has and the level of closeness he feels towards people

he has a hard time figuring out his feelings towards other people both bc hes autistic and bc he has freaky deviantart fetishes that make sex in his mind a very abstract concept <- this one is me projecting mostly

that aside, i feel like gender-wise hes attracted to ppl so infrequently it may as well be entirely case-by-case

the idea of him being gay appeals to me from the 'raised with traditional values he Does Not fit into/hasnt begun to question it yet' perspective, i lauve characters who put a lot of stock into performing a role thats expected of them and fail miserably for unknown (gay) reasons

from his perspective tho i dont think he would ever really label himself anything. hes going to pride parades in the shirt+shorts Ally Fit to clap for his friends

hes also 'cis by indifference' imo... i love tmasc laios hcs it just doesnt mesh w his personal history to me. i do think hes got some kind of therian gender thing going on (not trans or nb but a secret third thing) but i cant see him changing anything abt his appearance/pronouns to accommodate that post-canon. hes just doin his thang

falin is in a similar boat for gender. i LOOVE tfem falin but the village repression thing has been bugging at me so i dont think i subscribe to it anymore (canon purist sorry) BUT if u hold that hc i am clapping and cheering regardless

instead i was propagandised to a while back and i LOVEEE the idea that being fused w a male dragon and the residual traits she has after being revived have given her a type of gender euphoria she didnt realise she was missing. a little boygirl swagger if u will

sexuality-wise i also dont think she would care to label herself, shes a lesbian by virtue of only being interested in One woman and zero other people. without marcille i do think shes still exclusively attracted to women, and i like to imagine she might experiment around a bit during her travels post-canon (pre-relationship). hearing abt it might put marcille on the news though

marcille is very simple That is a transfem lesbian. she cant get pregnant, shes obsessed w being femme and all that combined w her half-tallman struggles to be seen as 'properly feminine' by elf standards reads very transfeminine to Me. also her bookboy crush REEKS of comphet its not subtle

i think a more comfortable marcy might have the space to experiment w being elf butch like her manga boys but thats mainly self indulgence for me. utena could have saved her

senshi is gay his whole thing is abt not being able to perform dwarven masculinity to a proper standard (soft hearted, not as strong or rugged as his peers) which is like gaycoding 101. also hes a bear. homosexuality be damned by boy can work a grill

adding onto this i rly think senshi got some type of euphoria from being an elf in the changeling chapters. he was feeling himself so much i think he was using it as an outlet to have fun being a little fem and fruity without needing to justify it. do u understand

i dont have any particular opinions abt him gender-wise beyond that. his bulge is an essential part of his character design but i also saw a transmasc senshi a couple days ago that made me nod my head thoughtfully so i could go either way

chilchuck is cis and bisexual this is just canon. not even just his old man crush on senshi altho i do think thats very funny but they put his ass on a cover themed like hes in a dating sim with all the men and women in the cast and then slapped it in front of a chapter called "bicorn". i simply cant pass up that kind of overt signaling. its so fucking funny what else is there to say truly

izu to ME is a transmasc aroace lesbian (this one has the least basis in canon i just know it to be true) shes a little genderfluid with it nd uses he/she i think. i like to imagine she consistently uses masculine personal pronouns to refer to herself either way tho (boku, ore)

i think izutsumis gender/sexuality is entirely secondary in priorities to her body dysphoria. she has a lot of learning and acceptance 2 do before that kind of self discovery is on the docket and in my mind eschewing gender on some level is part of that. get sillay

shuro is cishet but at least he feels bad about it. next

kabru is a transmasc bisexual this is also practically text. his whole thing of being treated like a doll by milsiril to put in pretty dresses, plus i think it would be pretty easy for him to stealth in the west since tallmen are seen as inherently more masculine than elves

(i also think changing genders is just more common for elves. theyre androgynous enough that it wouldnt be hard and like who in their right miiiiind would be the same gender for 500 years. dwarves too)

i think he started presenting as male socially in the west but didnt need to consider medical transition until he moved to a more mixed culture where other races might see him as a woman

i dont have to explain the bisexual part. have u seen him

namari is a butch bisexual this is just canon straight up. shes not transmasc but i think the default settings for dwarven women is like 4 years of T regardless. shes a hit at all the local cruising spots despite her renfaire nerdisms i know this

and just bc im thinking abt em kiki and kaka are identical and kiki is tfem :} theyre both attracted to women but kaka is a sub so i forgive him

THATS ALL 4 NOW theres a lot of characters so i cant have thoughts abt all of them at once but i hope this was good. im right about everything forever as per usual

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

do you really think people are saying you can only ship pyropauling if you think pyros a lesbian or is it just that you dont like the headcanon because nobodies saying the former

I FORGOT I SAID THIS LMAOOOO okay let me explain it to you in a way that makes sense: Time and time again, I see it consistently implied that Pyropauling "works" or "is okay" because op headcanons Pyro as a nonbinary lesbian (which is fine! It's good. I'm cool with it), which is consistent with some people on this website's idea that lesbians Only date other people who identify as lesbians (hence why "you identifying as a boy AND a lesbian is literally forcing lesbians to fuck men" is such a popular awful discourse, why would you think that if you don't think someone identifying as a lesbian means "lesbians must date them" or something). What I was saying is that, as a nonbinary, bisexual, sapphic person, I find the presentation of "nonbinary lesbian" as a secret third gender to be reductive. It's basically just "women and femmes". The post you're referencing here is a post where I say "Pauling could still date Pyro even if they're bisexual, because lesbians can date bisexual people and it's fine". The kind of genders popularly associated with "nonbinary lesbian" (i.e. "potentially masc and maybe a boy but NOT a man" or whatever) are genders continually denied to bisexual people, nonbinary bisexual people are so often immediately slated into "nblm" or something, bisexual people of all genders are treated as being from a different Fucking planet than lesbians are. "No one is saying the former" if you're bisexual you see it Everywhere, it's constant, I have never once seen anyone insinuate that Pyro tf2 is nonbinary and bisexual and dates Pauling or that Sniper tf2 is butch and bisexual and dates Pauling or whatever, it is consistently "x character is a lesbian which is why they can date Pauling, who is a lesbian, because that's how it works" (which is fine, of course, your headcanon is not my headcanon and that's okay, but I'm allowed to say that I want something different). It's actually extremely embarrassing that I have to express this through Team Fortress 2 shipping discourse on my video game comedy blog, but TL;DR: please stop telling bisexual women* that they're being hysterical and making things up when they talk about something you've never personally experienced. Lmao

[moonlightreal]

Reading The Secret Circle in 2023

I love this series. It was probably my first teenage witches series, it was YA before YA was really a separate genre, and LJ Smith is a solid writer. But I’m giving it a reread to see what I see, that my teenage self, who had read much less YA, didn’t see. And I’ll just write whatever comes to mind while I read.

The first thing and the main thing that made me twitch was Faye. The femme fatale of the coven, Hera the jealous goddess, boyfriend stealer and terrorizer of the school. In her first scene she’s pressuring a guy who has a girlfriend to take her out on a date, and since the whole school lives in terror of the coven’s powers the poor guy can’t say no. This is super uncomfortable.

Ms. Smith likes this femme fatale character type, she uses it again in one of the Night World books. I don’t think I’ve ever run across this kind of character in any other YA book. Faye is a very sex-positive character but also a sexual predator of unfortunate boys. She’s not a good person but she’s presented as wicked but still one of the good guys.

In the second book there’s a buck-wild scene where Faye, Suzan and Deborah play “Pizza Man He Delivers” they get the house done up like witchy love nest with candles, incense, crystals and music, and then they order six pizzas and if the delivery guys are cute they invite them in to seduce them. And I have so many questions. 1)did anybody do this in real life ever? 2)does Ms. Smith think anybody did this in real life ever? 3)how many adult films is this exact scene in? It’s straight out of a dirty video, with characters who are supposed to be 16! Ms. Smith is a much weirder writer than you might think lol.

Good girl Cassie decides this is wrong because the guys “don’t have a choice” even though they are enjoying the proceedings. The real life dangers of seducing and sleeping with random guys don’t seem to cross Cassie’s mind, so maybe their school has really bad sex ed.

But (back to slightly more serious thoughts) reading Faye it also occurs to me that she’s the femme fatale without ever being slut shamed. Her sexuality is scary but not shameful. Suzan, the voluptuous Aphrodite of the coven who barely gets a mention that doesn’t include mention of her chest size, is not really written as less-than because she likes seducing guys. In fact there’s a scene where Suzan helps the other girls get ready for the school dance and Cassie thinks, “She’d thought Suzan was just an airhead, but it wasn’t true. Suzan loved beauty and was generous about sharing it with other people.” and that is an amazing, amazing way to write the “fashion obsessed airhead” character type. Half my headcanons for Stella are based on that image that stayed in my head from the time I first read this series to the time I started watching Winx.

Each girl in the coven is based on a goddess, and they each have a signature color. This is not a bad writing trick to handle a bunch of characters and make them distinct! The third “bad girl” is Deborah the biker chick, based on Artemis the huntress. Deborah rides a motorcycle and wears itty-bitty tops and leather jackets and at one point has a leather hat with a chain on it. And she’s “not interested in boys.”

Ms. Smith was writing in the early ninties when there were “gay books” and ‘normal books” and she was writing normal books as directed by her publisher so all her characters are white-cis-het. But Deborah, while described as very pretty with a dainty face, is kind of butch. One of the boys, the cold and emotionless Nick, is described as not liking girls, but I don’t get any potentially gay vibes off him. If you wanted to read into it Nick could be ace and Deborah could certainly be a lesbian.

This made me wonder-- if she started writing again today when representation is the trend in YA literature, what would Ms. Smith think? We can’t ask her so I can only make a guess based on her writing, her blogs, and the fact that she’s no fan of Trump… I think she’d freaking love it. Ms. Smith’s jam is writing forbidden love, and now she’d have all these new kinds of couples to write and new reasons for their love to be forbidden. Thinking Night World here because that’s a series that could be expanded, what do all the supernaturals think of same-sex relationships? The witches are very traditional but same-sex relationships happen among animals so maybe the shapeshifters are chill with it. Who knows? Ms. Smith could worldbuild that stuff to her heart’s content and I think she’d have just a grand time.

LJ Smith mentioned somewhere that she put “everything I could find or make up about Wicca” into Secret Circle. There were BARELY any books about witchcraft in 1992, and I wonder what Ms. Smith could do today, when they’re everywhere and she could look up all different magical traditions. She’d have so much to work with!

So what did she have to work with? The girls use rhyming spells and lots of candles. They use herbal teas and homemade beauty products. There are circles and books of shadows. The elements and nature are mentioned a lot, but despite the girls reflecting goddesses they don’t worship the old gods.

There aren’t a lot of magic tools, interestingly. The girls use a lot of stones, each girl has a unique “working crystal” and a type of stone that they use most. Then there are the “master tools,” a set of regalia the leader of the coven wears: a bracelet, tiara and garter. Not a wand, besom or cauldron in sight! At one point one of the characters mentions typing up spells to make a “floppy disc of shadows” which is a phrase I think I read in a Silver Ravenwolf book, but I don’t think Ms. Smith read any SRW, she’d have pulled WAY more from it if she had.

But if you are, like I was, a young magic user looking for how-tos in fiction books, the Secret Circle is great. The main magical takeaway is the use of stones and crystals, which the girls use constantly. As jewelry, as pendulums, in spells, or just to hold to absorb their attributes. Each girl mentions her favorite stone at some point so whoever you are you’ll probably be inspired to use your favorite stones more often.

In fact I think I’ll drop the page from the old Circle Daybreak website here.

Finding your working crystal Each witch in the coven, male or female, also has a special stone, often of their color choice but not always. This is their working crystal, and is used to draw out their own special virtues and powers. Here are what different crystals can be used for and what they mean. You, too, can use your working crystal, in addition to wearing a certain color, to bring out these qualities in yourself.

The garnet brings circulation to normal, helps the blood clot, and purifies. It builds balance, awareness, and well-being, as well as preventing fears and insecurities. Garnets also draw out negativity, and can make one more attractive to others.

The ruby intensify love, compassion, and sexuality. It, too, brings circulation to normal, and purifies the blood. Also, rubies are high-energy stones for courage, boldness, and action. Faye likes to wear star rubies to increase her sex appeal to men.

Carnelian stimulates energy and appetite, as well as physical power and courage. It helps ground one to the physical plane, and promotes practical application of ideas. As Suzan’s crystal, perhaps this is why she has such a fondness for twinkies.

Citrine is Deborah’s crystal and may be the source of her energy. It provides a sense of stability and promotes practical application of ideas and a rational approach. Citrine also adds energy and emotional balance. It clears the body of toxins.

Topaz calms and cleanses. It relieves and balances emotional breakdowns. It aids in the healing of nervous fatigue, exhaustion, and extreme stress. Topaz also aids with headaches.

Peridot is used for clear sight and problem solving. It is a healer of the spirit and physical body. It provides protection from nervousness, and increases fearlessness and willpower. The circle uses it for dowsing. It helps with hurt feelings.

Melanie’s crystal is jade, and she uses it for mental clarity. It brings peace and calm, and has a stabilizing effect on the body. Jade also builds courage, clarity, and tranquility of the mind. It aids stomach problems.

The emerald strengthens memory, clear seeing, and wisdom. It enhances speech and creativity. Emeralds also increase intelligence, foresight, and prophecy. It aids heart problems and asthma, and eye problems.

Malachite purifies things on the material plane. Its bands provide protection of creative ideas. Malachite also promotes tranquility, success and good wealth in business. It is sometimes called lapis liguris.

Lapis Lazuli is used by vampires in The Vampire Diaries as protection from the sun. It illuminates the mind, and has purifying and healing properties. Lapis also promotes mental endurance, insight, and wisdom, as well as building good judgment and psychic abilities. It helps emotional healing.

Azurite aids in communication. It clears thoughts, and cleanses negative mental states. Azurite also aids in insight, vision, and hypnosis. It reduces stress and depression.

The sapphire aids in communication, as well as aiding clairvoyant perceptions, divine wisdom, and prophecy. It also cleanses negative mental states and disturbances. Sapphires help with nervous and mental disorders, and asthma.

Blue Topaz adds spiritual strength. It calms, sooths, and sedates. Blue topaz also brings a peaceful and natural healing state of consciousness. It builds mental clarity, and aids emotional healing.

The amethyst, Laurel’s crystal, has a calming and healing mental effect. It enhances the meditative state, and creates pure thoughts. It also adds spiritual insight and higher values, in addition to alleviating mental stress. The circle uses amethyst to ward off evil

Extra Secret Circle stuff: There was a sequel series written by Aubrey Clark. They are not very good. I did have them from the library but it was some years back so my memories are vague. Ms. Clark did her best but she just doesn’t have Ms. Smith’s gift for getting the characters right. She also killed off some characters, I think Suzan didn’t make it, which sucks.

Ms Clark brought two new things to the series: the concept of witch hunters and Scarlett, Cassie’s half-sister. My first reaction was, “Ha-ha, Mary Sue long lost sister!” but… it’s actually a pretty valid idea. Bringing in a child of Black John is a good way to add something new and connect to the original villain without bringing him back from the dead, and Scarlett can start evil and then be turned to good. Valid plot! I, uh, don’t remember if that actually happened in the sequel series, but the idea’s good.

There was a TV show. I was excited to learn this—but I learned it too late and could only find a middle episode and something I forget what about the plot annoyed me so much that I never tried to find the rest. I really probably should at least watch episode one, give it a chance, but the CW’s style is just so not my jam.

I’ve read that the show and the sequel books have similar plot points so that could explain some of the sequels’ events, if Ms. Clark was writing to tie in with the show.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

So I (A white cisgender heterosexual woman who likes pumpkin spice lattes and Animal Crossing, so yeah) grew up in a very, VERY LGBTQ+-phobic household, and that translated into me having basically no knowledge on the LGBTQ+ community. Could you do me a massive favor and just lay out straight the words and phrases and generally help a dumbass out?

Oooh, no problem! And believe me, you aren’t a dumbass. I knew next to nothing for a while, and I grew up in a very supportive household. I just didn’t have the means to learn about it.

Here’s a phrasebook for some common phrases you might hear:

TERF: Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist; they believe that trans women should not be included in their fight for gender equality, and that because trans woman “used to be men” they shouldn’t be allowed in women safe spaces because they might rape someone. Sooo yeah. Keep away from them. They are pretty nasty and misguided. Also known as radfems.

Pansexual: Attracted sexually to anyone of any gender identity.

Panromantic: Attracted romantically to anyone of any gender identity

Bisexual: Attracted sexually to two or more genders.

Biromantic: Attracted romantically to two or more genders

Pan/Bi Discourse: Some people think pansexual and bisexual should become one or the other because they’re very similar to each other, but whether you identify as either of them is a personal choice, and you shouldn’t let anyone dictate your identity - ever. You can even be both at the same time, if you choose to identify that way! Honestly, it isn’t that big of a deal which one you choose, as long as you feel comfortable between them!

Demisexual/Demiromantic: Needs to form a strong emotional bond with someone before pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship. They probably wouldn’t enjoy speed-dating or sleeping with someone they just met. They might not experience sexual attraction for someone unless they knew the person very well.

Asexual: Does not feel sexual attraction for anyone; however, they still might like to have sex, may be neutral about sex, or might even be repulsed by it. Most people confuse this with chastity (not choosing to have sex, usually for religious reasons) or abstinence (choosing not to have sex until married). However, they still might get horny, or want to pleasure themselves. The usual difference is having it with another person. If they see a hot guy, for example, the immediate thought may be, “Wow they’re attractive,” rather than, “Have my babies.”

Aromantic: Does not feel romantic attraction for anyone; this may mean that usual romantic relationships don’t appeal to the person, or that shows of romance (flowers, dates, etc.) doesn’t appeal to them. However, they can still have very strong platonic relationships, and still do enjoy sex, but might not develop crushes or want to go on a date with someone. They might marry platonically, or marry romantically on certain terms.

Grey/Graysexual: Anyone who is in that “gray” space between being asexual and being sexual. They might like the idea of sex, but hate the product. They might have fantasies they’d like to live out in the bedroom, but not actual sex. They might like sex, but under certain conditions. People have their own names for the different facets of graysexuality, but are all under this umbrella.

Grey/Grayromantic: Anyone in that “gray” space between romantic and aromantic. They might like huge shows of romance in novels, but wouldn’t be a fan of it happening to them. They might have a crush on a person, but would never be in a relationship with them, even if asked. Graysexuality also has different names for different facets, but it’s still all under this umbrella.

Queer: Usually used as a temporary or even permanent label for when someone is still trying to figure things out. They know that there is something inside of them that’s different - but they’re not quite sure yet.

Non-binary: People who are neither male nor female, and are outside the gender spectrum. A few have androgynous (gender-neutral) styles or body types, but no matter what they wear or what they look like, they are still non-binary!

Trans: Someone who was born gender, but knows in their heart that they are another. Someone may be born a boy, but always feel like a girl, vice versa, or both genders may change to non-binary, bigender, genderqueer, or genderfluid. Being trans simply means you are making the physical and/or mental transition from one gender or another.

Transmasc: A trans person that presents as masculine, with both clothes and manner.

Transfemme: A trans person that presents as feminine, with both clothes and gender.

Bigender: Someone who identifies as male sometimes and female sometimes.

Genderfluid: Someone who drifts from one end of the binary spectrum (male on one side, female on the other) and may have several sets of pronouns. They may feel more feminine one day, more masculine another, and somewhere in between later that week.

AMAB: Assigned Male At Birth; this has no bearing on current gender identity, but it’s medically useful and can help trans people talk about themselves before they transition.

AFAB: Assigned Female At Birth; this has no bearing on current gender identity, but it’s medically useful and can help trans people talk about themselves before they transition.

Two-Spirit: A Native American who identifies as the traditional third gender, with both a masculine and a feminine spirit inside of them. It’s a pretty new term, and not all Indigenous people choose to label themselves or others that way.

Femme: A woman who dresses and acts in a traditionally feminine way.

Butch: A woman who dresses and acts in a traditionally masculine way.

Beard: Describes a partner in a relationship that exists for the purpose of keeping someone’s true sexual attraction status a secret. A gay man might have a relationship with a woman, who would be considered his beard.

Queerplatonic Relationship: A relationship that is a mixture of the traditional platonic relationship and the traditional romantic relationship. People included in this relationship can raise children and own a house together, but most likely won’t participate in sexual and/or romantic activities.

Polyamorous Relationship: A relationship that includes three or more people at any given time. This may look like a couple having an open relationship, where they can date others as they please, or it may be a set few people that stay together. Two people can be attracted to one other person, three people can all be attracted to each other, two couples can have sexual or romantic relations with each other’s partner - there are infinite combinations, and, as long as it’s healthy, they’re all valid!

I hope this helps! This is not an exhaustive list, but these are pretty much the basics and a little bit more. If you have any specific term you’d like me to define, I’d be more than happy to! Also, if I got any wrong, please feel free to correct me, and I’ll edit the post as soon as I can!

Also, who’s your favorite Animal Crossing character? I like Blathers a lot! Nerds and professors have my entire heart.

[stillkillinmehollis]

ya killin me Hollis... so for that 1-98

99 Gay-ish Asks [x]

1) how tall are you?

like 5ft 3in. not tall at all

2) what is your body type?

I’m not sure if i fall under the “husky” category? 

3) what is your favorite part about your body?

my legs are pretty solid and pretty brolic, so I guess we can go with that.

4) is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Negative.

5) are you more outgoing or more shy?

Definitely shy. But at work, I can sometimes fake the “outgoing” pretty okay

6) are you more femme or butch?

…. uhh… butch..ish… i guess?

7) are you tol or smol?

hella smol

8) wine mom or vodka aunt?

i mean.. I don’t drink so… neither…

9) weird habit?

I crack my knees

10) favorite meme?

oh man, too many to decide

11) do you sing in the shower?

not really anymore.

12) ever used a bow and arrow?

Merida has shown me a thing or two

13) are/were you a theatre kid?

never

14) have you ever seen a broadway musical?

In no particular order, I’ve seen: Wicked, Beauty & The Beast, Grease, and Mamma Mia

15) do you think musicals are cheesy?

i’m neutral

16) have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?

I did do the March For Life in high school (my stand on the situation has since changed).

17) favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?

it has been so long since I’ve last played CAH, that I don’t actually remember

18) last movie you watched?

Shrek.

19) behind the camera or in front of it?

i live behind a camera.

20) favorite tv show?

Bob’s Burgers is the show I currently watch most, so we’ll go with that. 

21) meaning behind your url

it’s line from Carmilla

22) reason you joined tumblr

I think an at the time Buddy of mine told me about it and I should sign up. and i was like “aiite”

23) who’s your closest tumblr friend?

Zach, Laura, Kelli, Sky

24) what’s something most people love that you hate?

being the center of attention

25) have you ever taken narcotics?

I’m not big on drugs to any capacity… and avoid taking any if I don’t need to… and idek what actually is considered “narcotics”… so i really have no idea ?

26) have you had sex?

I have not.

27) have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

nothing “bad”, I don’t think. idk, I was never that “bad” of a kid.

28) worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

i’ve never told this story to anyone before, but i completely forgot about it until right now. So in college, I told a professor that my (i think it was a final?) had gotten ruined by rain that got in my bag, and I tossed the papers. In truth, either I hadn’t done it or i hadn’t finished it. 

29) describe your passion without mentioning it.

what am i even passionate about these days ?

30) describe your best friend.

His name is Zach, he was one of my college roommates. He’s the Felix to my Sarah, my baby brother in every way possible. He’s always there when I need him, and my personal cheerleader and biggest supporter. He’s also patiently impatient about me getting a girlfriend :p 

31) give us one thing about you that no one knows.

please refer to question 28.

32) how do you feel right now?

I’m getting kinda sleepy… It is 3:35am after all. and I’m only not even a full 1/3rd of the way through these questions 

33) what is your biggest fear?

Bees. Needles. Being Abandoned by people. Feelings.

34) what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Ocean Avenue, by Yellowcard. I have no idea why, but it gets me so hype while I’m driving, and gets me to pull my windows down and blast my music.

35) what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

applying for the Disney College Program one last time.

36) have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

haven’t we all at least once ?

37) something you fantasize about.

having an awesome girlfriend some day

38) last time you cried and why

a few days ago I cried out of frustration as I’m trying to figure out my living situation

39) what was the last thing that made you laugh?

the fact that you sent me as many questions as I sent you

40) do you really, truly miss someone right now?

it’s been five months since I lost my Pup, and I truly painfully miss her on the daily

41) who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Zach.

42) the last time you felt broken?

a few nights ago, due to something that was said in a one on one with my leader

43) are you starting to realize anything?

slowly…

44) are you more dominant or more submissive?

I don’t think this applies?

45) i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)

you can accept me, from my sarcasm to my mental health (or lack there of), everything in between and beyond

46) do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

I’m here more for your maturity level then your actual age

47) describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

I’m definitely not “in love” with anyone, and I avidly avoid the 5 letter C word. 

48) do you have any kinks?

getting a good night’s sleep

49) first thing you notice in a person?

between their smile and their eyes

50) how can someone win your heart?

sarcasm

51) been rejected by a crush?

ugh, i hate the C word but yes, yes I have.

52) have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

sure have !

53) would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

nope

54) is trust a big issue for you?

huge.

55) did you hang out with the person you like recently?

nope.

56) is confidence cute?

extremely

57) what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

i wouldn’t say anything… like if someone else makes them happy, i’m not gonna come between that

58) would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no way

59) does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

………..moving on

60) ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

my entire existence is generally embarrassing to anyone, so .. yeah lol

61) do you want to get married?

I’d like to.

62) worst thing you’ve ever done?

i have no idea what the number one worst thing is… and honestly I don’t even want to know

63) three things that turn you on.

when someone can confidently take charge of the room, a cute laugh, and sarcasm. (also, just want it to be known, none of these are “sexual” turn ons, but things that can turn me on to a person)

64) who do you hate?

that’s a story for another day

65) favorite term of endearment?

Dude (thats an endearing term, right?)

66) who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

ohman… i’m not sure. Natalia Livingston (Emily Quartermaine, GH), maybe? Eva LaRue (Maria Santos, AMC)? Tamara Bruan (Carly Corinthos, GH)? 

The soap ladies were/are pretty, and I was a wee gay, okay ?

67) intimidating girls or kind girls?

in fairness… i feel like all girls are intimidating to some degree or another.

68) what do you look for in a possible partner?

someone who makes me smile and laugh, someone who keeps me on my toes, someone who pushes me to be better. someone i can have fun with, be sarcastic with, and someone who can be sarcastic and witty back at me.

69) do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

the personality behind the girl speaks volumes… also has a MAJOR affect on if i find her attractive or not.

70) are you good at flirting?

not even a little bit

71) who was the first person you came out to?

Tiffany.

72) do you have any friends who are wlw?

thankfully, most of them are !

73) is your crush wlw?

i hate the C word, but every girl I’ve had my eye on for one reason or another has turned out to be WLW.

74) last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

i’ve honestly always been ace, whether I knew it or not.

75) write a short love poem to your crush/self?

i’m as good of a poet as I am expressing my feelings

spoiler: I’m not.

76) do you fall in love easily?

Situation depending, I can fall in LIKE or INFATUATION easily. but definitely not love.

77) is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

what’s a gay without some past trauma

78) are you good at hiding your feelings?

depends on the person and the feelings (but mostly, yes, I think so.)

79) are you a forgiving person?

For the most part, no. but it also depends on how bad you messed up… I can be, for the right person and the right circumstances.

80) what is your “type?”

idk if i have a strict “type”. 

81) fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

the secret third option: play with her hair until she falls asleep in mine

82) tall girls or short girls?

yes

83) hugs or kisses?

i’m not always the greatest at physical contact, and the idea of my first kiss scares the actual shit out of me … so i guess hug for now?

84) twirl her around or get twirled?

please just me play with your hair

85) tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

uhhh… tummy ? i guess ? like i’m not out here trying to get in your thighs

86) hairline kisses or neck kisses?

is a hairline kiss the same a forehead kiss ? 

87) play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

i refer you back to #84

88) making out or soft kisses?

soft

89) hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

i’d probs prefer waist… i guess?

90) how confident are you in your sexuality?

110% confident i’m not sexually attracted to anyone

91) when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

my dude. Pal. Bro. your boii gets the whole damn zoo in a stampede-that-killed-Mufasa style, and it turns her stomach upside down, inside out, all around, and breaks it into a million pieces. 

92) have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

yes I have, and yes I did.

93) how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

i was littttttle

94) most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

exist

95) do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

Laura/Carmilla. and yes.

96) what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

No One really has ever said anything too aggravating to me about asexuality. 

97) when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

last night (Tuesday; July 23rd, ‘19)

98) what is love to you?

Love is… all the songs making sense (throwback reference, I couldn’t resist). Love is “whats mine can be ours”. Love is working together to give it your all.

[emilyjanestuff]

So when/how did you know you were trans? Part Two

Trigger Warning for suicidal thoughts, isolation, loneliness, biphobia and self harm.

Primary School had its ups and downs, some good things and some challenges. But Secondary school was awful. I wasn’t just unhappy like everyone claims to be in Secondary Schools. Rather I was extremely dysphoric and depressed. At times I would even self harm and was suicidal. But I didn’t talk about any of this for a long time. I internalized everything I was going through and everything I was feeling. Why didn’t I seek help? Because I had no way to say what was inside me.

I knew what the word transgender was by now but it wasn’t something I had applied to myself yet. Well without further a do lets start from the start. Which is in the way starting from the end: Leaving Primary School. When starting at Secondary School I remember thinking it was time for a new start. I remember being excited at first. But the first thing that went wrong was when I learned sports were compulsory. I felt shocked when I heard that. I had said I didn’t want to go to a school where I had to play sports. Secondly while I hadn’t wanted to go to an all boy school I had gone along with it because I was told I was going to a good school.

The second time I can remember of experiencing  real and strong dislike for my body become more and more masculine after my voice changing happened after P.E. class. I was thirteen and one of the boys in the class saw that I had started to grow a facial hair. He thought it was cool, they all did. But I freaked out. I ran into the bathroom and pulled the hair out with a pair of tweezers. Every other boy in my school enjoyed the idea of getting taller, bigger and more hairy. I hated it but didn’t know why. In the end I suppressed such feelings deep down. I buried them. I didn’t know what else to do with them.

To be fair in many ways the school was a good but it was not the right school for me. I hated sports of any kind as a kid and as a teenager. By the end of my first year I had stopped being part of the sport and the school had stopped trying to make me. I spent six year at that school. Why that particular school? Because it was good for people with learning disabilities. That’s the only reason. So this is where I ended up. I became reclusive and isolated very fast. I disliked the people in the school and would often spend large amounts of time in my room. I would be reading or else I would be on the internet.

Books became my escape. Through them I visited many different worlds and mate many different characters. I read books on every topic and any genre I could get my hands on. It was through books and the internet that I first came across the label bisexual and applied it to myself but later on would redefine my sexuality as gay. The reason for this being that I could never see myself as being with a girl as a guy. I couldn’t see myself taking on that masculine heterosexual role that was well established in my mind. There was also the matter that there was a lot of biphobia both within my school and otherwise. People doubted bisexuals existed especially bisexual boys. So by that strange set of thought patterns I must be gay. To me this explained everything, why I was different to my classmates and felt so isolated. I was the only gay boy in my year. That was why I was so lonely.

The first person I approached about this topic was my school guidance counselor. When I was in third year. It was just after a SPHE class on being gay. We talked about it for a while in her office during which she made me feel a tiny bit better about the subject. It was her who first gave me the idea to ring a gay hotline. So when one afternoon I sat down and called Gay Switchboard Ireland. For the second time I started talking to someone about my feelings around my sexuality. I also started going to an LGBT youth group where I mate other LGBT teenagers and was supported. So a happy ever after right? No, alas things turned out to be more complicated then that.

On meeting gay guys my own age I felt like I wasn’t really one of them either. But alas I kept going to the group. I’m glad I did because it was there I mate other transgender people for the first time. Trans guys, trans girls and non binary people. I also started to make friends at the groups. For the first time since Primary school I was able to function socially.

So where does the word transgender fit into this? I knew what transgender meant by before I went to the youth group so why did I never apply it to myself? The reason for that is actually rather simply. I only had one image of a transgender person in my mind. That being a trans woman who felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body (I really hate that expression). Before transitioning/coming out this woman would have worn women’s cloths in secret, she would have had feminine mannerism, loved the color pink. I didn’t start wearing cloths from the women’s section until I was nineteen after I decided to transition. I certainly wasn’t camp or effeminate. My hair had always been cropped short.

But when I began to meet other trans people I learned that the above story does not fit everyone. Sure it might be true for another trans woman and that’s fine but it wasn’t true for me. From meeting and learning other trans women I learned they could femme, butch, tomboys, writers, hairdressers and mma fighters. That we come from all backgrounds and many different cultures. Two books I read that also helped me along were Whipping Girl by the before mentioned Julia Serano and In Search of Eve by Anne Bolin. I learned the experiences of hating my male development was something known as gender dysphoria and that there was a way out of it: by transitioning.

I came out to my friends and took a new name and pronouns for myself in the youth group.

What did this mean for my sexuality? One of my friends asked me if transitioning now made into a straight girl. All I could say was that I didn’t know. Well at the time I wasn’t really sure but then I met this girl and had my first crush on a girl. This didn’t make me feel like I had to fit into a position I wasn’t. For once. So you might think that I would now identify as bi? No would the answer. I had friends who were bisexual and would often say I was an ally for bi people but not one myself. I instead said I was a lesbian (keeping my past attractions to boys as belonging to a time before I came into my own). Why did I do this? Because I had absorbed a lot of biphobia from a lot of places. I learned these ideas from people in school, my own home and even from other queer people. I just didn’t want to be something that didn’t exist and it took until I was twenty one to realize that it didn’t matter society thought of my existence. My own happiness was more important.

So that is how I knew I am transgender and bisexual and a woman. How old was I ? Seventeen for figuring out I was a trans girl and twenty one for accepting my bisexuality. I hope that answers the question.