#not that i need to prove myself but i actually like fighting games and would get strive i just cant b spending money willy nilly lol

[pcktknife]

YOU LIKE GUILTY GEAR????

yeah but i dont play

[drchucktingle]

my masks

hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.

im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great. 

lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is. 

unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.

the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.

ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield

anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum

when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned. 

later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.

HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.

anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’. 

when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.

one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’

so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?

my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)

from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept. 

the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.

eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.

lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.

this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.

the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.

a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual. 

fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist

[glearyyyne]

we can't be friends (wait for your love)

Part 2

Synopsis: Here you are at the Brighter Days Inc., hoping it would help you remove Satoru's memory in your fragile heart.

Word Count: 2,787 words

Warning: Heavy angst

Note: This was based on the mv of ariana's latest song, I felt like I need to make that version of the one and only it boy Gojo Satoru! This is best to read while listening to we can't be friends (wait for your love)

_____________________________________________________________

Pen clicking

You stared dully at the paper in front of you that was waiting to be sign. Your mind was all over the place the moment you walked inside with the stuff you used to cherish. With full determination, you decided to end things for your own good.

You have given extensive thought behind your decision and give "Brighter Days Inc." the exclusive permission to remove this person completely from your memory.

            ___ Yes            ___ No       

You sigh, dropping the pen as you try collecting your thoughts by staring at the box beside you that has all of the stuff you had with Gojo.

Satoru...

Oh how that name sounds so sweet yet painful.

Tears swell in your eyes reminiscing those elegant sapphire eyes that used to look at you with so much love that you missed.

Your eyes stumbled upon the white teddy bear, it was his first anniversary gift.

**

"Babe, look here" Satoru spoke with so much happiness.

You two were at the arcades, trying to have some fun after you two finished eating lunch together. "I bet you can't get that" You suddenly told him with a smirk. Satoru looked at you with his competitive look, "I bet you I can indeed get that" he said before putting a token inside the machine to start the claw machine.

The game was super easy, just try and claw a stuffed toy and bring it to where it was supposed to fall but this machine in front of you was known to scam people. That's what you taught, but Satoru proved you wrong.

With determination and focus he had when getting that teddy bear that only cost around a dollar to some store, he managed to safely get the teddy bear after so many tries.

Satoru's eyes widened when the claw didn't let go of the teddy bear when it was brought above as it safely held the teddy bear before dropping to where he could receive it. He screamed in joy not caring about the people around him.

"Darling! Look! I got it!" Satoru told you with a joyful tone as you giggled at his actions before he gave it to you. "Me? But you worked so hard just to get it" You said as you held the teddy bear with love.

"Yeah, but it shows how much I'll do anything to give you what you want" He said with those soft and loving eyes as if nothing else matters in this world just you and him.

**

When you heard your name being called, you stopped thinking about him as you touched your cheek when you felt a tear-stained. The nurse asked if you were ready to go. "A-ah just a second" you hurriedly said and hastily grabbed the pen to sign the paper.

You have given extensive thought behind your decision and give "Brighter Days Inc." the exclusive permission to remove this person completely from your memory.

          ✓ Yes            ___ No      

You stood up and gave the nurse the signed paper before grabbing the box and head inside the room. The doctor greeted you enthusiastically as he told you to give the nurse the box you were holding.

As soon as you gave her the box, you sat down on the treatment chair with anxiety creeping your body. Feeling your heart start to beat loudly as if fighting you to stop this nonsense.

"Is it your first time? I can see how your eyes move around" The doctor asked with his lightening laugh just to ease you up.

"Yeah, sorry I just really don't know how to calm myself" You said, fiddling your fingers to atleast help calm you down. "Don't worry actually what happens to most of our patients who came here for their first time" The doctor said while preparing the machine.

You looked at the table to see the box again, you felt as if your heart was screaming at you to stop this. 

“So who are you forgetting? We need to know so that we can ask you after this procedure is done” The doctor asked.

“Someone named Satoru Gojo” You were hesitant at first but you answered anyway.

"Don't worry, we'll give you those final moments with your memories before they disappear" The doctor assured you.

"Are you ready?" The doctor asked and with a final sigh, you nodded.

You closed your eyes as soon as you felt the doctor put something on your head. That's where the process begins.

DELETION PROCESS

     1%

**

"Satoru?" You softly spoke when you noticed those white hair that stood among the crowds as he turned around and smiled before waving at you.

He rushed up towards you with a grin, patting your hair leaving you groaning since you just finished brushing your hair. "Stop it! I just brushed my hair!" You whined, slapping Satoru's hand away with a glare.

He only giggled, "You just looked too cute" Satoru then took your bag. "I'll carry this, is there any place you want to see?" He asked.

"Should we go get some coffee?" You suggested.

"Sure, make sure mine is caramel macchiato with extra caramel" He said with a smile. "You and your sweet tooth" You said with a laugh.

"Well I can't really live without sugar and of course you my honey bunch" He said, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you close to him. You smiled while hugging him back.

**

Tears stained your eyes as you started to see your final moments with your memories.

  DELETION PROCESS

     24%

**

"Happy Birthday!" You flinched when Satoru suddenly surprised you in your shared apartment. The feeling of tiredness and burnt out suddenly left, a smile crept up on your face.

"You didn't have to" You said, dropping your bag to the ground before heading to Satoru. "I have to, because it's your birthday baby," Satoru said, holding the cake near you with the candles being lit already.

"Make a wish" He said

When you first observe how the cake was made, you can see how messy the font was made. It already says that it was Satoru who made the cake. You gently close your eyes and begin making a wish.

Let us stay together, tomorrow as well

You blew the candle with ease, but this is satoru we're talking of course chaos is on his vocabulary. He dumped the cake into your face after he made sure to put out the candle to not hurt you. You stood there in shock before grabbing a handful of cake as you threw it into his face leaving you two a giggling mess. You were curious as to what the cake tasted like. 

“I didn’t even get to taste the cake” You said with a pout after Satoru came back with a tissue to clean your face. “Don’t worry, I made two cakes, that cake earlier is just for fun” He said while wiping your cheeks. “And look! I got you a gift!” He said placing the box that was wrapped well into your lap. 

You stared at the box suspiciously before you slowly unwrapped the present. Sooner, you found what was inside the box that left you gasping in surprise. It’s the stethoscope you’ve been wanting to get after beginning your doctor journey. You stared at him flabbergasted.

He only smiled more and spoke, “Happy Birthday baby”. Tears swell in your eyes before you throw yourself to Satoru, hugging him while thanking him endlessly. He hugged you back, placing small kisses to your head.

**

DELETION PROCESS

48%

**

“I told you to leave me alone!” You shouted, crying hysterically while continuing to run in the rain without any shoes because all you wanted was to run away from Satoru.

But the moment Satoru was able to catch you by grabbing your arm and pulling you into a hug, you cried heavily into his chest. He made sure to take his jacket off to wrap it around you to stop you from shaking in the cold. 

You two stood there by the rain, Satoru was there hushing and comforting you to calm down.

“Shhh, baby, I know how much it hurts but it’s time to move on” Satoru spoke to you, “Toru, I can’t fucking move on knowing my mom died” you said as you stared at him with your red eyes.

“I know, I know but would your mom be happy knowing how her daughter cried in the middle of the rain that will definitely be the cause of your sickness the next day?” Satoru asked that you quickly shake your head.

“See, besides I promised your mom that I will take care of you and I hate it so much when you cry like this” Satoru admitted, his hand gently caressing your cheek. 

“I love you so much that it hurts me too when I see you like this” Satoru spoke in his broken voice.

From that moment, you saw how the usual chaotic, noisy Satoru is gone and it was replaced by this brokenness and pain evident from his face.

“Please, let’s head inside, I don’t want you to get sick” Satoru begged, you slowly stopped crying as you nodded.

Satoru sighs in relief, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead before holding you close as you two walk back to your shared apartment that night.

**

DELETION PROCESS

65%

**

“I told you to stay still!” You told Satoru as you giggled trying to stop him from wriggling much as you wanted to put the night cream on his face. 

“But my skin is already clean! I don't know why you wanted to add that to my gorgeous skin” Satoru said, lying down on his back as you tried to put skincare products on his face.

“Just do it for me please?” You begged with those puppy eyes that Satoru can't resist.

“Fine, but I better have my kisses after this!” Satoru demanded.

You smiled before leaning and placing a quick kiss on his lips, “that's all you're getting now” You said with a mischievous smirk.

Satoru only pouted while you continued painting his face with the skincare you were using.

After some time, you finished the night cream and grabbed one of your lip masks. Placing the mask on his lips, Satoru immediately took this chance and swallowed the lip mask only for him to choke.

“You got karma real quick” You said while laughing at him.

“That hurts my pride,” Satoru said while coughing.

“That's why I told you to stay still” You told him, grabbing another lip mask and placing it on his lips again. He stared at you, “Stay quiet for now” You told him with a smile as you took a book to read.

Satoru didn't do much so he closed his eyes to take a nap.

When you take a break from reading, you stare at Satoru with those loving eyes.

How lucky I am to get to be with you

 **

DELETION PROCESS 

78%

**

“What's your problem man?” Satoru spoke before punching the guy in the bar. 

You quickly jump into the scene as you try to stop Satoru, “Stop it! Satoru, we might get kicked out!” You frantically told him.

“I can't stop if he won't shut up about wanting to touch you!” Satoru shouted at you. You sigh as you apologize to the guy but it was too late, the both of you got kicked out of the bar.

“You need to learn how to control your temper, sometimes satoru” You annoyingly said.

“I just can't help it-” whatever satoru you always say that!” You snap at him.

Satoru only stood there, sighing as if he was tired.

“I’m tired, let's just go home” Satoru said but you weren't backing down.

“Oh no, no I’m most definitely tired Satoru! I have to deal with your ass whenever you get drunk!” You shouted in frustration as he was silent.

“I can't face you right now, you either stay with your family or friends for the night” You said as you quickly walked away, Satoru tried to stop you but you still left.

That's where the memory you wanted to rewind your actions as you didn't know this event will cause drastically to your relationship.

**

DELETION PROCESS

91%

The process moves slowly to all of the sweet times you had with gojo before it arrived, to how you two ended your relationship that you always had nightmares about it.

**

You stared completely shocked at what Satoru showed you.

a pregnancy test

Your eyes quickly moved to Satoru wanting him to explain everything.

Satoru only stared down, “I’m sorry, I got someone pregnant” he revealed that left you shaking.

W-what?

“Since when?” I asked, tears are already spilling from your eyes as your body went numb after consuming this information.

“The night we got into an argument after we got kicked out of the bar, I headed to another bar that time and-” Before Satoru could finish, you stopped him.

“You got some random girl pregnant?” You quickly cut him off. Your eyes looked at him to see if he at least felt guilty about what he did but…

There was none

“She’s not some random girl,” Satoru quickly defended.

“Oh, is that so?” You glared at him.

“Are you going to tell me that you fell out of love with me the moment she came into the picture? Is that it?” You angrily asked him.

Satoru only stared at you before nodding.

You sigh as you cover your face, it came too quickly.

“I’m sorry I couldn't keep my promise, I was just getting tired of the constant fighting we had and I think it's best for us to split,” Satoru spoke.

He didn't even show a slight guilt or sadness on his face.

Satoru only tried to hug you but you kept on punching his arm, once he did hug you your punch somehow got lessened only for you to cry loudly in his chest.

“I did love you, I didn't lie when I told you I loved you most of the time. I know I was a jerk for suddenly falling in love with someone but I can't help it” Satoru explained.

But no matter how many times he explained, he will never come back to you.

That day, Satoru left with all of his belongings leaving you alone in that shared apartment that was supposed to be your happy place.

You sat at the couch, staring at the wall trying to process everything, you looked at the picture frame that was from your graduation, and you can see how his eyes used to lighten up with you but now that eyes only looked at you with nothing.

You head to the bedroom and saw how clean it was, it felt so different to the one you’re used to.

You opened the closet to find your clothes only, but Satoru’s red scarf was there. Hands quickly grabbed them as you tried covering around your neck and just cried there.

Months later the news that Satoru and his girl got married, it was decided that you will remove him from your memories as soon as you see an advertisement that helps remove a certain person from your memory.

**

DELETION PROCESS

100%

The moment it hit one hundred, every memory with Satoru was soon replaced. 

The first anniversary gift he got was soon replaced by you hanging out with your friends as you got lucky to win a teddy bear in the claw machine.

Every time he always fetches you after your university was replaced with you walking alone.

Those sweet birthdays you had were replaced with your family celebrating it with you.

The night that you heard your mom died was replaced by your cousin comforting you instead of Satoru.

The bar memory you had was replaced with you fighting your friend for making you two kicked out of the bar.

The day when Satoru told you he got someone else pregnant? Was replaced with your best friend telling you she got pregnant.

Your eyes quickly opened as you looked around and touched your cheek wondering why you were crying. The doctor and nurse quickly went to your side and asked you if you were okay and were asking tons of questions about this person you don't even know.

You got out of the office feeling fresh and left the Brighter Days Inc not knowing the box you had was burned leaving nothing else, not even the scarf you used to comfort yourself after you and Satoru split.

You entirely forgot the person who you used to call your soulmate.

[workingbynyx]

Words I Held Back — Gojo Satoru x GN!Reader

× :: summary — satoru is gone and sukuna remains victorious while you had to stay on the sidelines, however, a note managed to find its way into your pocket– what could it be?

× :: pairing — gojo satoru x gn!reader

× :: genre — angst, oneshot

× :: warning (s) — some ooc and oos instances!

× :: a/n — aaaand we're back in the game after months of disappearing 😎 hey folks! i'm gonna have to start yall off with a recent hyperfixation of mine (aka jjk) about our glorious blue eyed king 🙏🏻 this is my first time writing some angst and about anime, so apologies in advance! i'm also sorry if this was pretty short :<

now that satoru was gone, you felt as if a big part of your soul was gone too. it didn't feel real, it didn't feel possible but sukuna managed to do the impossible. you were angry at yourself, you should've been there with him— everyone should've been. you were in complete shock, you wanted to blame yourself but there was no time to even mourn the loss of satoru gojo, you had to help shoko with other injured people that needed your assistance.

tears wouldn't stop falling down your cheeks, they all fell on their own thinking about him alone. you worked on patching up sorcerers although they couldn't help but notice how stained with tears your face was while you cleaned their wounds in a blank expression. you never bothered to wipe them on your own since new patients are coming in every second, you had to put them first before yourself.

eventually, you stood up to get yourself a nice cup of tea to calm your nerves. however, you felt a piece of paper in the depths of your pocket when you placed your hands in them. you carefully fished it out and noticed a something written in them. you gasped under your breath when you realized who it's from...

"y/n, it's satoru.

if you're seeing this then that probably means i'm in shinjuku right now~ i wrote this letter for you to read since i know how anxious you get in serious missions that involved special grades. i also wanted to write this letter because, well, i've been meaning to tell you something for a while now actually. these are the words i held back, y/n. i never had the guts to tell you in person so this is probably the only reasonable way of letting you know. you've always been the source of my motivation to keep going, you kept my world spinning even if it was slowly caving in towards me. you made me realize how much my worth is as a person... as my self, and i'd like to thank you for that.

right now, i'm fighting in that city for everyone. i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if i died on that field and leave you like that without any further explanation, i'm really sorry. but at least i died knowing i've fought and gave my all for the person i love earnestly. i remember when we were still first years and you've only then discovered your true cursed technique with me, you were so happy. i fell in love with you right there and then. i didn't think it would be possible for somebody like me to develop these feelings for you, i didn't want to admit it because i know i wasn't strong enough yet to protect you. i thought i needed to prove myself first to be worth of your love, but i realized that i already was even if i didn't. that was foolish of me, wasn't it? hahaha

i guess i was also scared, most of the people i loved are always harmed or endangered, so all i really wanted was to keep you safe in this cruel world, free from danger like me. love is the most twisted curse of them all, but here i am completely bewitched by you. whatever our fate may be, i only wish for your happiness to be found— even if it's not with me. you probably already know what i'm about to tell you but you always forget (dumbass !) sleep on time, eat on time and remember that you're the strongest.. second after me though of course :P

let's talk when i get back!

— g. s. "

you completely broke down by the end, sinking onto the floor on your knees as tears slowly stained the paper. your heart shattered into pieces like glass when everything finally caught up to you, why must the world be so cruel? nanami, haibara, suguru, and now satoru. one by one, everyone is being taken from you without any reason why other than beastly curses being bloodthirsty for murder and power. satoru deserved to live longer away from constant danger, he deserved the happiness that was ripped from him a long time ago.

the both of you could've lived a wonderful life together, but all of that was gone in a flash.

"satoru... i didn't k-know... i'm really sorry" you muttered under your breath, your nails digging into the skin of your thigh. your hands then came up towards your face in attempt to muffle your sobbing. shaking hands, silent cries and heavy tears falling, the folded letter abandoned in front of you as guilt slowly consumed you inside.

from that day on, gojo satoru was dead.

[dalishious]

My Five Biggest Fears for Dragon Age: Dreadwolf

Dragon Age: Dreadwolf is highly anticipated by BioWare fans. At one point, I would consider myself to be excited for it too, however, unfortunately the long wait with zero information about the game has only wrecked my personal anticipation. Will my hype return once we actually start to get some regular news about the game? Most likely. But until that time comes, all I find myself doing is just… worrying.

These are the five biggest things I worry about.

5. Big, beautiful maps of nothing

In both Dragon Age: Inquisition and Mass Effect: Andromeda, most of the open world maps are very… empty. Instead of creating an adventurous feeling of excitement to explore, it just makes travelling those maps a tedious task. Games like The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim or the new Baldur’s Gate 3 have open maps too, but those developers actually made use of their space with level designs. Skyrim is full of caves, ruins, etc. content to stumble upon. So is BG3, as well as introducing new dynamics to a fight depending on which direction you approach the encounter from. These games prove an understanding of how to best equip an open world concept that BioWare has only executed in a few maps across both their most recent RPGs. I do not want to see Dragon Age: Dreadwolf be yet another case of luscious forests where developers spent far too much time making look visually beautiful, and not enough time actually filling with game content.

4. Shoddy attempts at retcon

For those of you who don’t know what “retcon” means, it is short for “retroactive continuity”, and refers to the phenomenon of fiction introducing new information that is inconsistent with past information. The purpose is to revise old material. Dragon Age: Inquisition had more than one attempts at retcon that were terribly executed. For example, the player is told not once, not twice, but three different times—as if repeating it enough will erase all the extensive lore up to that point saying otherwise—that the Dalish get rid of their mages if they have “too many”. This is despite the previous games and extended materials showing that the Dalish practically revere their mages.

Now, not all retcons are bad. For example, in Marvel Comics, the superhero Karma’s real name was recently retconned to be Xuân Cao Mạnh, a real Vietnamese name, after spending years and years with the made-up Vietnamese name, Xi'an Coy Man. This is an example of how retons can be used for a good purpose, like fixing a long-lasting mistake. But what exactly is the mistake in saying the Dalish are good people who don’t hate mages like most of Thedas? That was just a cheap, transparent excuse to villainize both elves and mages further.

Cheap, transparent excuses like that make me lose faith in BioWare’s writing. It concerns me with what other lore they view as needing “correcting” in order to reinforce their idea of Grey Morality™ where it doesn’t belong.

3. Imposter characters

One of the biggest grievances I had with Dragon Age: Inquisition, was how the Hawke written in that game was in no way the same Hawke I played in Dragon Age II. I understand that it would be impossible to capture the exact customized character, but the Hawke in DA:I was placed into the game with an anti-blood magic agenda, and wouldn’t shut up about it. This is hilarious, considering how many players chose to make their Hawke a blood mage personally!

With this in mind, I am terrified that my Inquisitor, who will very likely make an appearance in Dragon Age: Dreadwolf, will be used for whatever new agenda needs to be pushed. I better not hear a single anti-Dalish comment from my Lavellan, is all I’m saying.

2. Whitewashing ahoy

For all the talk about #diversity values, BioWare has a very extensive criminal record when it comes to whitewashing their own characters. Almost every single one of their most prominent visibly non-white characters have had their skin lightened or completely washed out, as well as ethnic features erased, at some point or another. This is why I cannot share any excitement or desire for existing characters to make a return; the fear that we’ll have to see Zevran next looking like Chris Hemsworth next haunts me too much.

But this particular fear runs even deeper than individual characters. Why? Because we know that Dragon Age: Dreadwolf will be taking place in northern Thedas, which up to this point has been consistently depicted as having largely non-white demographics. I’m not saying there are no white people in Tevinter, Antiva, etc., but I am saying that if I see the same mix of 80% pale tones and 20% “everyone else” we’ve gotten from the last three games, I will absolutely flip shit. White characters should be in the minority for a change. Otherwise, what is the point of shifting focus away from the dominantly white countries in the first place?

1. This will end of the Dragon Age franchise

Is this the most likely to happen of all fears? No; it is probably the least. But after the pathetic failure that was Anthem and the lacklustre response to Mass Effect: Andromeda, I would not be surprised if BioWare is on thin ice in EA’s eyes. (Which is ironic, considering the demands made by EA to chase after multiplayer fads and micro-transactions are what got BioWare into such a mess in the first place.) Electronic Arts is a garbage company run by garbage people. That much has been proven time and again. The executives behind BioWare itself aren’t clean, either. Unfortunately it will be average employee that suffers the most punishment and blame if the game does not meet the likely very high standards set out for it. In some ways, they are almost set up to fail.

It’s not fair, and there’s not we can really do about it, because the gaming industry is run by selfish idiots. It’s because of this that if events come to pass that the Dragon Age franchise was put “on hold indefinitely” so BioWare can work on clunking out an Anthem sequel, I would be very upset, but not very surprised.

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[itsgameofthronesimagines]

Could I request a Cersei x f reader where the reader is Cersei’s secret lover but Jaime (Love him but needed a villain) found out and made up lies about reader so Cersei herself throws the reader to jail. When she’s finally freed after the allegations were proved wrong, reader is now cold hearted, avoiding Cersei who tries to talk to her. Go heavy on the angst. You can decide if it’s happy ending (at least as happy of an ending as you can get with Cersei) or not. Thank you! You don’t have to write it if you don’t want to

(Gif not mine but can I just say that I hate myself for loving how beautiful she is?)

Title: Lioness Roar

Fandom: Game of Thrones

Pairing: Cersei Lannister x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4,719

Summary: Cersei’s brothers could do whatever they wanted with little to no consequences all because of their gender. Now as the Queen, Cersei believes she can do more.

Warnings: vulgar language, daddy issues (guess who), homophobia, angst, mentioned wlw smut, and I will admit it does kind of read like yandere.

Author’s Note: God I love writing about Lannisters. They’re so complex (and I know I’ve said that before so sorry if you’re sick of hearing it but I’m not sorry for saying it) and I think this might be the first time I’m writing a Cersei x reader so this was exciting!

(I do not consent my works to be reposted/copied)

~~~~~~~~~

Cersei always believed that if she were born with a cock, her world would be a lot different, but for the best.

As a child, she drew pictures of herself on the back of the dragon, and as she got older, her father kept promising to marry her to the prince, so then she began drawing Rhaegar Targaryen in those same pictures.

Before she grew into her female qualities, she was able to dress as her twin brother and attend sword fighting lessons without anyone able to tell the difference. 

While Jaime had no interest in listening to his father about the importance of their history, their finances, and the running of the keep, Cersei listened intently. She knew that if she were Tywin’s firstborn son and heir, he’d be proud of all of her accomplishments, and this was just one of many ways she tried to gain his approval. 

She did all these things to prove that she can do anything her brothers did possibly even do more than Tyrion but Lord Tywin always stamped down her ambitions other than the one that involved her getting married to the prince. No matter how hard she tried, Cersei could never get her father to actually see her aside from what she already was.

One look and Lord Tywin would’ve seen his daughter holding a sword better than Jaime ever could and reciting old text better than Tyrion could ever pronounce. If Tywin could only see past her gender, Cersei would truly be his golden child.

Alas, she was nothing but a bargaining chip; a pawn he liked to move around the board. When her marriage proposal to Rhaegar fell through and all the Targaryens were killed off, Cersei was married to Robert Baratheon and she became his Queen Consort. She gave him three children, despite the two of them being unhappy from the start. Even if her children didn’t look like the King, she didn’t care. She did her duty to the realm, to her husband, and to her father, securing the legacy Tywin always wanted for his family. Cersei did her part and now she felt inclined to her own right of freedom to do whatever she wanted.

That freedom came in the form of Lady Y/n.

As a wedding gift, Lord Tywin sent Cersei the daughter of one of his bannermen to act as her handmaid and confidant. Y/n was possibly the only truly kind gesture Cersei’s father ever made toward her, but the new Queen was bitter from the beginning. She did not confide in other women. Cersei felt as though she was above gossiping and hand-sewing, even when she was a little girl. With her father’s praise and boasting of her being the most beautiful woman in all the Seven Kingdoms, Cersei even believed she was above all the ladies of the country, including Y/n. 

Y/n was a quiet young woman. Dutiful towards her Queen and tending to her every need without question, the handmaid was smart to never speak openly to Cersei. She kept her thoughts tight-knit in her mind and only replied to the Queen if Cersei spoke directly at her. Even where Y/n was from, she heard certain rumors about Cersei and how the Lady Lannister’s best friend, Melara Hetherspoon, mysteriously fell into a well and only Cersei lived to tell the tale. Y/n’s mother was secretly concerned when Tywin Lannister sent her daughter away to tend to Cersei, knowing that the Lioness of Casterly Rock was always troubled and strangely devoid of any emotion other than anger.

Even Y/n believed this, and in fear, she never spoke a word to Cersei unless spoken to so as not to draw attention to herself. Tending to Cersei was like awaiting with anticipation for a barrel of wildfire to ignite. All it took was one tiny flame.

However, once Cersei’s children were born, it appeared as though that flame was tameable. Y/n often tended to her Queen’s children more so than the wet nurses. Many wondered if the wet nurses were just lazy, but one maid, in particular, had the bravery to whisper about the Queen being behind this, how Cersei ordered the wet nurses to do their duty to feed her children except Myrcella but to leave all other care to Lady Y/n and herself.

If this rumor was to be taken seriously, no one knew why Cersei would do such a thing unless she full-heartedly trusted her handmaid. But this was Cersei Lannister of all people, and no one, not even King Robert, was allowed to be near the princess and princes without Cersei’s presence.

And yet, Y/n could be found with all three children, alone, holding them to her chest when they cried or laughing as she chased them around in the gardens. If they weren’t with Cersei or their teachers, the royal children were likely to be found with Lady Y/n, who they lovingly nicknamed their aunt once they began to speak. Perhaps the children truly thought Y/n was part of their family and if so, Cersei had allowed it to appear that way.

The truth is Cersei grew to care for one other person besides her children and Jaime, but kept that close to her heart and locked it away, not even Y/n could reach it. At first, Cersei was disgusted with her thoughts and her feelings. There was a time in her inner turmoil when she would lash out at her handmaid even though Y/n did nothing wrong. Despite all this, Cersei blamed her for everything and was even tempted to send her away. But young Myrcella, barely able to write her own name, cried one night when Y/n was not there to tuck her into bed and told her mother how much she loved Y/n. Feeling defeated, Cersei never exiled Y/n and refused to look at the other woman for many months.

Cersei’s demons came to a head when she heard Jaime tell yet another story about Tyrion finding another whore to bed with... but instead of her usual disgust, another thought struck her. There was a time when Cersei could act like a boy all she wanted without anyone batting an eye. She could do whatever she wanted and even though she was now Queen, Cersei had yet to take full advantage of that. As long she remained married to the King and gave him children, her father could not tell her what to do and her husband cared very little about what she did as long as Cersei kept him out of it. Hearing Jaime’s story of Tyrion’s new woman, Cersei thought if her dear little brother could take any common whore to bed without scandal, why couldn’t she?

Lady Y/n was already her handmaid. It was already the perfect disguise. If Tyrion could do it and hide his lover as a servant girl, so could Cersei. If Robert could openly bring whatever woman he wanted into his bed, so could his wife.

Of course, Cersei could order Y/n to kiss her and bed her if she liked, but she was a clever woman and felt the excitement of playing the long game of convincing Y/n to love her. So as not to scare her, Cersei started off slowly, starting by subtly nodding her thanks to Y/n when she helped her dress and undress because yes, Cersei has never once thanked anyone before. When Y/n didn’t appear put off by this, Cersei slowly began to openly thank her, then slowly progressed to subtly touching her arm or moving Y/n’s hair off her shoulder. 

This slow progression is successful in many ways. Y/n doesn’t notice how much Cersei changed because Cersei had slowly done so without any red flags rising. Before Y/n could remember the story of Melara Hetherspoon, Cersei had her wrapped around her finger, practically brainwashing her handmaid into believing that she had always been a kind and loving queen towards her loyal subjects. Cersei’s patience paid off when Y/n began to openly talk to her about her hopes and dreams, even her opinions, without ever flinching of fear or repeal.

And, in a way, her patience also brought Cersei to love Y/n even more than just for lust. Listening to Y/n talk made Cersei wonder why she had suppressed the young woman from doing so in all the years she’s known her. Everything sounded exciting when Y/n spoke, her voice forcing Cersei to listen to every syllable. 

That is... until eligible suitors came searching for Y/n’s hand in marriage. When Y/n talked about her suitors, Cersei would immediately order her to speak of something else. She couldn’t bear to hear about the men trying to take her new interest away from her. She wouldn’t allow her brothers to steal a toy from her as children, why would this be any different?

It was the talk of the decade. Throughout King’s Landing, people whispered about how Lady Y/n must be cursed. Ever since her father announced opening a proposal for her, many of Y/n’s suitors have mysteriously disappeared or been found dead in their beds, sometimes even before they could meet her. Over time, several men have gone to King’s Landing in hopes of winning Y/n’s hand. None have returned to their homes and some houses were on the brink of extinction because of this curse.

It didn’t take long before men stopped asking for Y/n’s hand in marriage, and Cersei had never been happier to have her handmaid remain at her side.

By the time Jon Arryn mysteriously died, Y/n was more than just a confidant or friend. She became Cersei’s secret lover, and Cersei didn’t feel any shame or disgust the first time she kissed her. While making plans for the royal family to travel to Winterfell, Y/n shyly and breathlessly confessed her love for Cersei. Before she could escape the Queen’s chambers in her shame, Cersei roughly held Y/n’s face in her hands as she fervently kissed her. The victory going on in Cersei’s mind was all too sweet, hastily taking Y/n to her bed then and there, finally claiming her as no one but the Queen’s.

Cersei had begun to feel like a god with what she had taken as her own. With Y/n secretly under one arm and Jaime under the other, she began to believe and reminisce about the young girl she once was, a Lady Lannister who took no prisoners and always got whatever she wanted. As Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Cersei felt as though she held the world in her hands and was believed to be untouchable.

This god complex would continue to fester and grow as several events play out. While in Winterfell, Young Bran Stark mysteriously fell out of a window. When the royal family left the North, they brought Ned Stark and his two daughters with him as the new Hand of the King. When Cersei arrived back in King’s Landing, Y/n was waiting for her in her chambers with open arms and a hot bath. Cersei had never felt such power secured tightly in her fist before.

That is until it slipped ever so slightly out of her grasp and Cersei lashed out and nearly lost her mind. Under Lord Stark’s orders, his wife Catelyn took Tyrion as her prisoner and this prompted Jaime to attack the Hand of the King before escaping King’s Landing. Cersei could feel her power and influence slipping when, even as Ned Stark admitted to her accusations, Robert still refused to punish his old friend. 

Madness slipped through, for a split second, as Cersei snapped, “I took you for a king!”

“Hold your tongue.”

“He’s attacked one of my brothers and abducted the other. I should wear the armor, and you the gown.”

King Robert spun around and hit her before Cersei could say more. She proudly claimed she would wear this mark on her face like a badge of honor before swiftly leaving the room. She retreated to her chambers to lick her wounds and fester in her rage. When Y/n was summoned, she was horrified by the angry bruise on Cersei’s face and tended to it immediately. Unaware of what had happened, Y/n barely even blinked when Cersei ordered her to stay with her the whole night.

War began to brew after that and Cersei received word of Tywin and Jaime raising an army to bring back Tyrion. Sensing it was time to make her move, she had her cousin Lancel bring an armload of wine for Robert when he fled to the Kingswood to hunt. Of course, everyone knows that wine and hunting don’t mix, and when Robert returned to Cersei, his guts were spilling out of him. It wasn’t long before Joffrey was sitting on the Iron Throne after that, his mother sitting beside him.

Cersei had Ned Stark arrested and his daughters confined to the Red Keep. With her son as king, she now had all the power with no one to tell her otherwise. She still felt her self-control slip, however, when she heard of Jaime’s capture and then Tyrion returned to King’s Landing as Tywin’s Acting Hand of the King. When she heard the news of her twin brother, Cersei retreated back to her chambers and once again, kept Y/n in her bed all night long. Y/n was none the wiser, believing Cersei was only grieving her brother’s capture by taking her anger out on her lover. This anger got even worse when Myrcella was sent away to Dorne.

When Jaime returned, Cersei was still an angry woman and nothing was ever the same again. Cersei retreated from Jaime’s embrace whenever he reached out to her. At first, he thought it was because of his missing hand, but then Cersei gifted him a golden prosthetic as a replacement. When she didn’t appear disgusted by him, Jaime kept a watchful eye on his sister.

He suspected Cersei had another lover but failed to find any man entering his sister’s chambers, no matter the time of day. He did, however, always noticed Y/n freely walking around wherever she wanted. Even when Cersei was not around, Lady Y/n would enter her room and the guards standing outside wouldn’t even question her. Sometimes, Jaime even witnessed Y/n ordering the guards around as if she were speaking on the Queen’s behalf, and they listened to her. Jaime’s affronted thoughts came to a halt when one day, he noticed Y/n out in the gardens with Tommen, the young prince indulging the lady with a book he read out loud. Cersei was nowhere in sight.

Jaime was not the smartest Lannister, but he knew Cersei better than anyone, and he knew that his sister would not trust their her children with anyone unless she had complete faith in them.

He confronted his sister that night when he knew that Y/n was sent away after helping Cersei undress. With the Queen now alone, Jaime snuck in and didn’t hesitate to speak his mind, “You love her.”

Cersei froze, her back turned to him, refusing to say a word or even look back to face him. Jaime scoffs because that was enough of a confirmation for him. Cersei was never one to hold back her tongue; this would have been no exception if it wasn’t true. The emotions that began to build within Jaime were rage and disgust. He pushed a boy out of a window for Cersei. He kept their affair a secret for Cersei. He killed his cousin for Cersei. He even lost his hand when trying to get back to Cersei. How is it that he went through all that trouble the gods have cursed him with for Cersei, and she had already moved on and fallen in love with another? How could he live with this knowing that Cersei had pushed him aside for none other than a woman?

“As hateful as you are... you love her,” he seethed between his teeth, “All those years you made me believe you kept her around to keep all eyes away from us... when really you just wanted us both. You have always been a selfish woman.”

A wry smile curls over his lips, the brewing anger slowly turning malicious, “But I wonder how selfish? Or are you just too blind by love to see it?”

Cersei turned to face him, her expression sour and voice dripping with venom, “See what?”

“That she has fooled you,” Jaime lets the words spill out of his mouth like water, fluid and graceful, even he believed the deceit he spoke, “Lady Y/n’s father may be our father’s bannermen, but she is no ally to us. I intercepted a raven before my escape, one that was addressed to Robb Stark. It was sealed with your sigil but not your handwriting, so I knew it wasn’t yours. However, seldom few have access to your seal and your desk, so one could only wonder who had the means of contacting the King of the North bearing your mark?” 

Cersei stood still, eyes locked onto Jaime’s as her expression slowly twists and turns corrupt with barely restrained rage and madness in between the flicker of the candle flame. For a moment, a brief moment... Jaime thought that rage was directed at him.

~~~~~~~~~

Y/n was roughly woken by a few of the Queen’s personal guards, binding her and muffling her screams with a rag. Tediously, they bring her all the way down into the dungeon before throwing her into the deepest, darkest cell. With her bonds and gag loose, Y/n finally has a moment to yell and plead, her hands gripping onto the iron bars for dear life as she begged for someone to help her.

Her pleas stop, however, when from the shadow emerges Cersei, regal as always, dressed in her usual red and gold fabrics without the help of her usual handmaid, now trapped behind bars. The moment Y/n caught the light on Cersei’s face, she knew who to place blame for her arrest.

“Why are you doing this?! I deserve an explanation!”

“You’re a traitor,” Cersei hissed even with a sly smile on her beautiful face, “You betrayed my son, your king. And worse of all, you betrayed me. Did you truly think I wouldn’t find out about your secret little messages to the King in the North? Were you praying that Jaime would never return so that he wouldn’t be able to inform me of your treachery?”

Y/n was initially shocked by these accusations before turning to defend her honor, “Surely he’s mistaken! Your brother has been away from home for far too long. His mind might be sick from being Robb Stark’s prisoner all this time. Why would you believe Ser Jaime over me?”

The question dies in her throat, her face crumbling into fearful realization as Cersei continued to stand still, as quiet as a cat while smiling down at her mouse. Y/n’s voices drop down into a whisper as she tries to hold back her own emotions, “... Unless it’s true. The rumors have all been true. You and your brother...”

Y/n’s fear slowly reverts to anger as her thoughts spill openly from her lips, “I refused to believe the whispers. I was loyal to you from the very beginning. I stuck by your side through everything and yet-- How could you?” She finally snapped, voice rising once again as her grip tightens around her bars, “I sacrificed everything for you! I gave you all I had and it still wasn’t enough, wasn’t it? I loved you... with all my heart, but not even love can cure you from this madness.”

Cersei’s eyes bore into Y/n’s own, the two women standing in the silence of the dark, cold dungeon. The Queen doesn’t acknowledge her actions for not even she knew why she quickly decided to imprison her former lover. She herself felt disgusted. Cersei had been able to round up each of King Robert’s bastard children and slaughter them for the sake of Joffrey’s legitimacy, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to have Y/n executed even though the woman was accused of betraying Joffrey. Cersei once believed she would do anything for the sake of her children, and now she felt disgusted knowing that she couldn’t even kill a woman to uphold that silent promise.

Cersei held her chin high, her voice was as cold as the day she first met Lady Y/n, “I love my brother. I will only ever love my brother. How could I ever love someone as lowly as a servant girl?”

~~~~~~~~~

It didn’t take long before Tywin noticed his daughter had a new handmaid and not one who was trusted enough to tend to Tommen when Cersei wasn’t around. Without questioning the Queen, Lord Tywin conducted an investigation and quickly discovered Y/n in the dungeons. After briefly talking to her and investigating Jaime’s accusations, Tywin was able to concur that Y/n was innocent of such treasonous actions and set her free. When Cersei heard of this, she was enraged and immediately went to her father with demands of executing her former confidant. When Tywin brought his evidence to her attention, Cersei refused to believe it, turning a blind eye and cursing her father’s name. Even in disbelief, Cersei couldn’t help but internally feel the ache and anger in her heart. Deep down, she knew Y/n had done nothing wrong, yet she listened to Jaime anyway. The last nail was wedged into her coffin when Tommen asked Cersei where his Aunt Y/n had gone. Only then could she truly admit she made a mistake.

But it was too late. With Y/n no longer being Cersei’s handmaid, the lady avoided the Queen like the plague. Y/n was no longer the woman everyone once knew to be kind and compassionate. She was cold and calculating to everyone, including Cersei, if the two women ever had a brief encounter in Joffrey’s court.

Y/n couldn’t even find it within herself to feel sympathy towards Cersei when Joffrey was murdered at his own wedding. Long after Tommen was crowned King, Y/n continued to avoid Cersei and never once shed a tear for the boy she once loved as her own. As long as one bore the face of Cersei or sported any sort of Lannister trait, Y/n avoided them at all costs and even felt disgusted if she had to share a room with them. A moment of opportunity arrived for her to be rid of this Hell when the High Sparrow became a big influence on King Tommen and his people. Cersei had the High Sparrow annointed as High Septon with the belief that he would work under her rule, and Y/n watched this unfold from a distance until finally, she made her own calculated move.

In time, Loras Tyrell, Queen Margaery, and even Cersei had been thrown into various cells of the Great Sept when none of them confessed to the sins they were accused of. Cersei had felt the cold breath of karma ghost down her neck the moment her cousin Lancel entered the room to stand beside the High Sparrow. Weeks dragged on and Cersei was miserable in her cell, hair matted and body covered in filth, tongue dry from her thirst. The cell door opened one miserable morning and Cersei curled in on herself instinctively, ready to refuse the water when offered in exchange for a confession... but the septa never said a word. Slowly, Cersei looked up from her arms and found Lady Y/n standing there instead of a septa, dressed in travelling clothes and holding a small pouch of water in hand, devoid of emotion as she looked down on the former Queen she served.

Cersei didn’t look pleased or impressed, turning her away to lean against the cold wall of her cell, “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? The one thing you have always strived for; craved for... You have always wanted to see me suffer.”

“I don’t know if there is anything I can say or do to convince you otherwise,” Y/n scoffed while setting down the pouch of water, “I gave my life to you, yet you still believe I betrayed you somehow in some shape or form. Even when I was proven innocent, you despised me. Why?”

Cersei blinked slowly while staring off into space, trying to swallow her spit to relieve her thirst, “You were just some lowly reminder of a time when I was unfaithful.”

“To who? King Robert? Everyone knows you despised him. That is no secret. Everyone knows that you would have done anything to hurt him. But to hurt Jaime... I think most can suspect that at this point, you would have done anything to keep him at your side. You can’t fool anyone, Your Grace. Not anymore.”

“I have fooled no one.”

“No one but me. You had me fooled the moment you kissed me,” Y/n’s voice broke, ever so slightly, cracking her mask, “You had me believe what we had was love. And yet you threw it all away the moment you decided to believe whatever you wanted to hear.”

“I didn’t want you to betray me.”

“And I never did. But you didn’t exactly care, did you? Instead of just asking me, you threw me in a cell and left me to rot. Because it was Ser Jaime’s word against mine.”

“Why are you really here?” Cersei rasped, watching her finger as she absently traced shapes into her cell wall.

Y/n composed herself, hardening her heart again and quickly blinking away the tears before they could be shed. She straightens up her vest as she confidentally spoke, “I came to say goodbye and to pray we never see each other again. What happens to you is no longer my concern. King Tommen has granted me leave from your service and is sending me home today. My only wish... my only wish is that we part with our truths laid out to one another... the way it always should have been.”

Cersei finally turns to look up at the woman standing over her, feigned smile spreading over her filthy face, “What truths, pray tell?”

“The truth is you were right, Queen Regent. I did betray you,” Y/n carefully watched as Cersei’s face twisted with several emotions before continuing, “I betrayed you to the High Sparrow. I confessed my sins to him and thus revealed yours. I told him everything, from our affair to yours and Ser Jaime’s. It wasn’t your cousin who turned you in. It was me.”

For years, Y/n has watched Cersei play the game with eager eyes and thin smiles and it wasn’t until recently did Y/n want to see the smug smile wiped from her former Queen’s pretty face. In her dreams, Y/n could imagine this and feel satisfaction bloom in her stomach, fulfilling her without food or water and lasting her till she is old in age. Now, finally succeeding in making Cersei lose at her own game, Y/n doesn’t feel that satisfaction she desired. All she could feel was guilt and shame.

Cersei’s face crumbled until it was laid bare for Y/n to read her as a childrens’ book, the Lady Lannister’s voice becoming accusatory, “So I was right. All you’ve ever wanted was to see my downfall.”

Y/n felt as though she had been slapped in the face, hating herself even as the words fell out, “No... never. Not when I loved you.”

Cersei looked back up when she heard Y/n kneeling down to her height, meeting her shining eyes as her former handmaid whispered as though she spoke a secret, “You might not see it as I do, but if I were to recall... you were the one who betrayed me first. I only returned the favor. Farewell... my lioness. I will pray for the next whore you decide to take to bed.”

The way Cersei’s face fell only made Y/n feel worse as she stood, turning to leave. The former handmaid wanted this woman to beg for her life as she once did in her own cold cell. She wanted Cersei to squeal and cry and feel her heart break as she once did, betrayed by the woman she loved. In a last ditched effort, Y/n kicked her pouch of water close to the cell door, far from Cersei if she even tried to reach it.

“No-- wait, Y/n, please-!”

Y/n hastily made her exit, slamming the cell door behind her to shut out Cersei’s pleas. As she walked down the hall, Y/n could feel a tear slip past her detection... as well as a smile of freedom.

~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Hi I’m back on my bs again. It’s been a busy couple of weeks and now that I’m caught up on House of the Dragon and no longer working nights, I feel fueled to write again. Please support and leave a request in the ask box!

[two-braincells-in-total]

SPOILERS FOR THE GRANDEST GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, I want to say that I liked this more than I expected. I don't usually vibe with spin-offs, I just don't like it when I get attached to characters amd then they become side characters in the next book, but this book surprised me in a good way

Let's unpack the characters:

Lyra: Don't come for me, but I must admit that I expected more from Lyra's character. Don't get me wrong, I still like her, but it was a little disappointing. Maybe a reason for it is that her POV wasn't as packed with action as the other characters' POVs, but either way, she has potential, so I'm having hope for Glorious Rivals. I don't know if I want her to win the game, because on one hand, hse deserves it, but the other hand, I really want Rohan to win

Gigi: her character hit very close to home, but in a good way. I saw myself in her, specifically tye dedication and the way no matter what she does she's never the best, the way she thought she was too much, which is also a reason why I was just as hurt at the end of the book. I was very sad when she got eliminated from the game, she was the third person I was rooting for (the first being Rohan, the second Lyra) and I know she was using the game as a way to prove to herself and the others that she is good enough, and I know from experience the devastation that comes when you fail. I really hope we have her POV in the next book, too, because I NEED to know why they kidnapped specifically her and how she's going to escape

Rohan: I didn't like him in The Brothers Hawthorne, but I LOVE him here. He was flirty and sassy and clever and I really enjoyed reading his perspective. I'm kind of disappointed that we didn't see much about his past, his POV was mostly focused on the game, unlike Gigi and Lyra, who we got to see as teenagers with trauma, but we got some crumbs, so I hope we get to see more of it in the next book. I really want him to win the game, because as much as I dislike the concept of the Mercy, it's the only live he has, he doesn't even have a last name outside of it. I don't know if I want him to decide that such lifestyle isn't good for him and attempt to start over, or deal with it, because the Mercy is a part of him, so for now both options work for me

Grayson: I have to admit, out of the good characters in the other books, he was my least favourite. I believe that there are two kinds of relatable characters - 1) the type that makes you feel seen, so you love them and 2) the type that points out all of your flaws and insecurities, so you dislike them. For me, Grayson is the second kind. In this book, however, it's obvious that character development has been done and I actually liked him. I still don't get why they decided to make him a player, what are they planning with this? And isn't the point of the game to give money to someone who needs it, why would they give him the chance for it and lessen the chances for winning of the other players? I really hope they explain it in the next book

Brady: I felt something was off with him from the very beginning, but I still fell for his lies and everything. It was exactly what Gigi needed to hear, and if I'm being honest, what I needed to hear, so I didn't see the traps. I spent a huge part of the book fighting with myself about him, because some part of me wanted him to be Gigi's love interest, while another part said that he's too good to be true and that's exactly what it was. I felt Gigi's hurt at the end of the book, especially when he accepted to continue the game, even when most of the game was solved by Gigi (who I applaud for the choice to accept her loss, even though I think she should've accepted the extra chance). I figured out that he wasn't what we thought he was around the time of the power cut off, I felt that he was going to betray her, and even though he didn't exactly do that, I still think there's more to him than what we know now and I highly doubt it's good

Knox: I had complicated feelings about him the entire time, up until the end. Part of the negative feelings about him were cause by the comparison with Brady and, now that I know who Brady is, I think the positive feelings overruled. He was just cautious and I think Gigi grew on him at the end. I really hope we see more of him in the next book, there's still a lot of stuff about him left unanswered

Odette: I think she's the only player beside the POV characters and Grayson that I actually trusted and turned out to be right. She was kind of just there, though the whole thing with Tobias was a juicy secret. I'm still caught on the questions she didn't answer though

Savannah (help, it autocorrected it to Satan, I'm dying): She's on thin ice. She already wasn't one of my favourites, but the whole revenge thing isn't doing her good. I admit that I'm biased, Avery is my favourite character in the whole saga. I'm pretty sure that Eve told her (because where else could she find that information? We also know that Eve was planning to contact her in the epilogue of TBH), so she might not know the whole story, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She has chances to get on my good side in the next book, but for now I'm 50-50 about her

Avery and the rest of the Hawthornes were iconic as always

The relationships:

Lyra and Grayson: It's definitely a very cute ship and it's going somewhere, but I expected it to be more interesting. I loved the dinamic and banter in the beginning, but things got a little bit boring as the book progressed. Still, it has SO MUCH potential and I hope we see more of them in the next book. For some reason, they didn't feel like the main ship. I don't know why. Maybe because we got multiple POVs and all relationships are kind of main, but I felt like they aren't the main ship, just how Lyra didn't really feel like the protagonist (because, correct me if I'm wrong, the protagonist is one, the character who has the most page time, even if there are multiple main/lead characters). I didn't track how much page time each character/relationship got, but even if they did get them most, it doesn't really feel like it. Honestly, I was expecting them to be more angsty. Maybe part of my expectations for them was the fandom and predictions before it came out (which is still weird ,because I purposely distanced myself from lyrason posts to avoid disappointment but oh well). I'm still not giving up on them, though, I liked them a lot!

Savannah and Rohan: they were probably my favourite ship from this book. THE TENSION!!! I was squealing every time Rohan called her love. Honestly, I was squealing every time Rohan. Period. I was thinking "kiss, kiss, kiss, KISS MFs" the entire time. As of nicknames, I loved "love" and I find "British" cute (even though I've seen many people say they don't like it), but idk what to think about "Savvy". Because, it was fun while he used it to annoy her, but it's kinda cringe when it became an actual nickname. Either way, I LOVE how smitten Rohan was the entire time. Like, they're solving a riddle and he's like "Savannah is another riddle, wait, FOCUS, but Savannah, FOCUS" it was adorable. I really enjoyed watching him lose his shit internally every time they touched. The scene with him brushing her hair is officially my favourite from the whole book, it's embarrassing how much I'm obsessed with it

Gigi and Brady: I spent some time thinking that he was the love interest, but as I said, he was too good to be true. And even before the reveal, I was still doubting it, because Slate was already mentioned and he called her "sunshine", so obviously, I, being a sucker for nicknames, lost it. I spent most of this book rooting for Gigi and Brady, but now I think it's unfair to her. Even if what he said to her about his brain liking A lot and the other stuff, he admits that he still loves Calla (who btw, what is the whole thing with her??? We were teased about it the entire book and we got nothing!), so it's AveryGrayson all over again, but worse, because Brady did it all intentionally. Now, I'm really hoping that I'm correct about Slate being the actual love interest and I hope we see more of Gigi and Slate in the next book, because it sounds promising

The AveryJameson crumbs were SO CUTE

NASH AND LIBBY ARE HAVING TWINS I'M DYING I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM

Now, some specific plot points:

What was the power cut about??? I'm still confused and concerned about what happened while the power was off

Wtf does Eve want???

The whole thing with Alice is kinda confusing, but so very interesting, I need to know more about it

What's the whole thing with Calla about???

All in all, I enjoyed this book a lot. I'm excited for the next book and I hope my questions get answered

[sp0o0kylights]

[gasps] number 10 you had me at steddissy!!

Fun Facts about Patchworks, it and Chokechain where the two fics I was like "I'm not gonna post these until theyre complete theyre so close!!" and then posted parts of anyway lmao. Patchworks ended up needing a bit more than Chokechain did to finish it out but she's close.

This one also hasn't gotten The Red Pen of death Editing yet.

Snippet:

"I can't fucking belive this." Robin hisses, and Steve just sighs. 

"How are you still mad?"

"How!? How could I be mad that after struggling with my sexuality; fighting it with tears and--and constant doubt for years, you just threw up once and that was it!"

She drops her voice as deep as it'll go, mocking Steve's own. "Guess I'm queer now, let me get my coffee." 

"That's a horrible impression of me."

"Accurate you mean." Robin mutters darkly. "For the record I don't think you're fine by the way, I think you're repressing it." 

"I'm not repressing anything Robin, I told you I'm comfortable liking both." 

"Not the queerness, dingus, the reaction to the queerness!" 

"I think you're just mad I'm better at being gay than you." 

Robin gapes, mouth swimming through the movements without a sound. 

Oh, he's really pissed her off, and Steve delights in that too, in a way only siblings and soulmates can. 

"Better than me!?" She finally sputters, and Steve settles his hip against the counter, hands crossing smugly over his chest.

"Yes." 

"You--you!" Robin's shaking a finger at him, and if steam could have come from her ears they would have. 

Steve doesn't fight his grin.

"Talking," she says finally, slamming a stack of VHS's on the counter opposite him, and God is he thankful that Family Video is dead for this conversation, "is one thing. Let's see you actually back it up, hotshot.” 

"By what? Hanging out with Munson?" Steve challenges back.

"Yes." Robin spits immediately. "We've all seen how you flirt. I want to see you put all those terrible flirting skills that we know don't work outside of high-school to the test!" 

"I told you Robin, I was bombing on purpose at Scoops." He warns, as he warms up to the challenge.

Hanging out with Eddie will be easy. 

Sprinkling a little light flirting on top?

A total cakewalk. 

"I don't believe you." Robin says with narrowed eyes. 

"Just watch." Steve tells her smugly.

The nice thing about it all? 

Steve barely has to wait a few hours before he can prove himself right.

Eddie trots in as if the universe had given him his cue, coming up to the counter with one of his wilder grins.

"Minion!" He crows, and Steve rolls his eyes in response. 

"Munson." He greets back, but makes sure to lean across the counter, curling his body towards Eddie. 

Predictably, Eddie gets right up in his face. 

"How goes the droll and drab life of retail?" 

"Not terrible." Steve catches Robin's eye, and has to suppress any hint of smugness. 

'Celebrate after you make the play!' Steve thinks in his coach's voice, and he settle himself in for the game. 

"Say Eds," he says, and watches the way the nickname grabs the older teens attention, "you still selling weed?" 

"Not to your freshman, I do keep my promises." A palm goes over Eddie's heart, face full of roughish charm.

Hook.

"Nah I was thinking for myself. My parents are home for the month and they're driving me up a tree."

A truth, though given they were close to their next departure their attention was off Steve and onto more important things. 

Like getting into the right hair salon, or making sure they rubbed shoulders with this or that person. 

"Think we could smoke at your place?" Steve dips even closer into Eddie's space, delights at how wide those doe eyes of his can grow. "I'm happy to pay." 

Line.

"Sure, absolutely, uh, man." Eddie says, and Steve doesn't hold back the grin as he watches him fumble. 

"Thanks." He beams, before reaching out to pretend to brush something off of Eddie's jacket. "You're a lifesaver." 

"Sure am!" Eddie outright squeaks, and over his shoulder Steve can see Robin gawk at the two of them.

"Certified life guard Eddie, that's me!" 

"Oh," Steve grins. "Certified. You'll have to show me how to do CPR sometime." 

"Yeah, Eddie says, before abruptly wrenching himself out of Steve's space, face fire engine red. "I can show you when we uh, hang out. To smoke. What uh, day do you...?" 

His voice goes higher in question, and Steve gives him his best slow 'I'm charmed' smile. 

"Tonight? After work?”

"Tonight!" Eddie says, before he starts dancing back, waving finger guns at Steve. "My place! Be there or be square!" 

"Well I'd hate to be square." Steve replies, giving a lazy wave as Eddie crashes backwards into the door, spins around with a curse and half falls, half tumbles his way out. 

Sinker.

Steve turns a victorious look on Robin.

"He didn't even rent a movie." He preens, while Robin tracks the absolute disaster that is Eddie trying to drive his van away. 

"Oh my God." She says, wide eyes meeting his too smug ones. "I'd say that was smooth but that was the farthest thing from it." 

"Hey, I was smooth. We're only judging me, not my dance partners." He counters. 

"Oh? Certified?" Robin mocks him once again, clenching her hands under his chin before dropping them in disgust. "I can't believe that worked, everyone knows you were a lifeguard for years!" 

"I'm just that charming." 

"More like Eddie's that far gone." She says with a dismissive snort. "He has it bad for you.” 

"I dunno," Steve drawls, resting his chin on the back of his hand. "You're just as bad the second you think a girls flirting with you." 

The offended gasp Robin lets out has Steve cackling immediately. 

"You take that back!" She howls, winging a wet rag at him. 

Steve jumps back, still laughing. 

"Steven Harrington you take that back!" 

"I promised not to tell lies Rob," He gasps, as she whips the towel at him again. 

He reaches out a hand, catching the towel easily. “I can’t take it back!” 

Robin shrieks, and soon enough they're both laughing and wrestling over the towel, all thoughts of the weird dance Steve, Eddie and Chrissy were doing, forgotten.

[fancifulplaguerat]

Need to rant about the Marble Nest because I just. I cannot get over it. It is everything to me. Every time I hear “Birdies... birdies... Gather ye here...” I want to eat door hinges and run up the walls and put myself in a blender

There’s something utterly tragic to me about the image of Daniil lying in bed delirious and feverish and dying while these children who care about this weird Capital doctor so much are trying to break his fevers like he taught them to, and it fucks me up even more considering when Spichka asks Daniil who looks after him when he’s sick Daniil just. Doesn’t answer him. And the narrator’s line (I love that they got Martin Cooke he absolutely ate and imo elevates the entire game) “a warm, dry hand seemed to have touched your forehead soothingly. It’s going to be all right” OH MY GOD I just. I can only wretch and sob about the fact that Daniil is being taken care of and at least for a moment he feels like it’s all going to be okay, exactly as he’s been saying throughout the beginning. Also when the narrator says “Somewhere, bells are chiming, softly. Bells are chiming around the marble nest. The bells, are chiming, softly.” Not only does Cooke’s delivery make me feral beyond words (particularly that last one where he whispers ‘softly’) but I mean. surely this is referring to Daniil hearing his own goddamn funeral bells which just SCREAMING CRYING BITING SCRATCHING COMMITTING UNSPEAKABLE ACTS. 

Plus when Spichka warns Daniil against giving Shrew nuts because, as we learn, Shrew wants to let Daniil die. I unfortunately can’t find the exact quote but I believe Spichka says smth about how Shrew doesn’t think it’s right for Daniil to suffer as he is (there is blood in my mouth !!!!!). She clearly just wants Daniil to rest and not be in pain anymore; she thinks she can create a Focus so she can still talk to him. I’m also Highly Emotional about Spichka because he’s so adamant about Daniil continuing to live, even if it’s just in his fever dream, this poor kid just wants Daniil to keep going. These kids have known Daniil Bitchelor for all of ten days and they care about him so much !!! 

I’m also hung up on everyone telling Daniil that he doesn’t know how to die properly, especially when Aspity likens him to a child covering his eyes because he doesn’t want to see the truth, which gets me too because it makes me think about how defeated and afraid Daniil probably is when he realizes what’s going on. I think it’s even more tragic in the sense that Daniil is dying having failed to meet Simon and save Thanatica, failed to prove death can be conquered, and couldn’t even protect the Town from the plague, either, and I can’t imagine Daniil would handle any of that well. I feel like he’d think everything—plague and all—was his fault, especially with the context of the Executor/Death saying, “Who was the murderer: a sickness that let no second go to waste—or you, who bothered not to hurry? I think it’s the latter.” 

Also when Daniil does agree to die properly and the Executor tells Daniil “Give me your hand,” and Daniil can say “Here it is”,,,,,, Yes I am being dramatic but actually it makes me insane to imagine Daniil finally taking Death’s hand after fighting it for so many years. Even though I love this horrible little man with all my heart, I disagree with his whole “no more death” thing. I’m not going to like. Expound on my philosophy about death here aafnkgk but suffice it to say I like the idea of Daniil accepting that death is not something that can be defeated; though, I don’t think his idealism is useless or a negative trait, only that it has to be tempered with some realism. 

So here is as good a point as any to scream about endings. 

It's a cycle. A pause. Things will change. And the day starts anew.

That. Tjat second sentence is lodged in my cortex and it is not coming out I ougghh I love stories that repeat so much. And I’ve played the Marble Nest just. Too many times (and I’ll do it again) and I might be imagining it, because I’ve never seen anyone else talk about it, but every time I’ve gotten a different ending the game is a little different when I play it again. I find that extremely immersive if I’m not just gaslighting myself, because it puts the player in the same situation as Daniil, with things changing subtly; you get to accompany Daniil on his Fun Fever Delirium Death Adventure. On the one hand I think it’s a little painful that Daniil is going to just live in this delirium forever, but on the other one, I like how Daniil’s decision to repeat the day encapsulates continuing to fight for life, even if it seems hopeless or in vain.  It feels very “Do not go gentle into that good night / Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

And finally The transition is real, and the timeline continues. So does the entity I call myself.

I don’t want to get into meta too much, but. I kind of like this line knowing people have written/drawn/etc. endings to this nightmare where Artemy saves him with panacea (Magpie Crown’s “Conjunction of Spheres” animatic !!). All these different endings people have given Daniil’s story in general. This is silly but I like to think of it as yeah, The Powers That Be played a cruel game with you, but other people are kinder to you (or make you suffer more, depends on their persuasion). Your story keeps going, depending on who picks up the thread, you’re going to keep going. 

Anyway everyone go watch CodexEntry’s video on the Marble Nest <3 

[noddytheornithopod]

The Fireside Girl Whose Flames Grew so Large She Burned Herself, and the One She Loves

So I just realised something about Act Your Age and a certain aspect of it that always bugged me and was a major factor in my frustration with the episode.

"Boo!!!!!! Shut up!!!!!!! You've talked about this episode to death already!!!!!!"

I don't disagree. I'm pretty tired of it, myself. To the point where I see "AYA sucks" takes these days I just roll my eyes and move on, even if I agree. But what I am posting about is a new insight that just occurred to me. As much as I hate to admit it, Act Your Age might be a train wreck, but it's a train wreck I can't take my eyes off of. It's a disaster, but it continues to fascinate me with the implications it has, even if they drive me up the wall.

So basically, one of the big things that bothered me is that Isabella and Phineas' relationship regressed, but in the main series, they seemed to be getting closer as the seasons progressed. Pretty weird to have the main show suggest one thing, only for Act Your Age to go "actually Isabella gave up once high school came around and basically kept her distance from Phineas as much as she could" and Phineas being depressed and thinking he's not good enough for Isabella (which I'd argue was made worse by Isabella's actions I just referred to, but that's a story for another time).

I could go on about how this was a barely thought out way to throw in some cheap angst that is immediately swept under the rug despite opening huge cans of worms, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here because I think I might finally understand how this seeming contradiction now works.

Isabella grew distant from Phineas in high school BECAUSE they got closer.

This is all pure conjecture. The show could prove me wrong some day, and other people might have completely different ideas, but this is what I'm thinking.

As I mentioned, with the show, Phineas and Isabella seem to be getting closer overtime. Isabella might be running into bigger challenges to confess her love (still not over how it took a literal zombie apocalypse to stop her when she decided to just straight up confess), but Phineas also grows more comfortable around Isabella, something she obviously loves, I mean he even seems to care about her in a unique way (again, Pharmacists, the moment he realised she wasn't with him, he grew OBSESSED with finding her, risking his and everyone else's safety just because he feels that guilty and worried about their separation).

I don't know what the revival will do with Phineas and Isabella, but I expect more of the same. Mostly the occasional gag, maybe a sweet moment here and there, Isabella maybe tries something here or there even if it can't be a full confession. But for the purposes of this theory, I'm assuming that would happen, and they would continue to really like each other.

So yes, they're closer friends than ever. The spark has lit a fire. There's a line I like in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor where the character Merrin talks about how fire will warm you and keep you company, but left unchecked it will burn everything, leaving only ash. I'm paraphrasing, but in the context of the game, it's referring to protagonist Cal Kestis' struggle of growing more obsessed and passionate over fighting the Empire. This obsession indeed grows and consumes him to a point where he ends up in a very dark place by the end of the game.

So basically, what I'm saying is, Phineas and Isabella might grow closer, but that closeness will bring out their feelings more. Phineas ultimately realises how he feels by high school, of course. That is one part of the fire that has grown. But Isabella? She's probably getting more and more mixed messaging. Despite Phineas' growing love and affection towards her, she still can't just spell out how she really feels, which is what Phineas needs to understand. She might have her courage growing, but we've seen the Mysterious Force in Phineas and Ferb - Phineas remaining oblivious to Isabella's true feelings for him is part of the show's status quo. She's literally doomed to fail. Also, if she's even closer, she's going to feel even more afraid to ruin what they have. As brave as she is, this one anxiety is her Achilles' heel, and she's even more afraid of failing. It's too much pressure.

The Fireside Girl is burning.

She can't handle all of this. So what does she do? Give up. Phineas is her best friend? Doesn't matter, it hurts too much to even be around him. Is it contradictory that she's afraid of destroying what they have, but she does this out of hurt anyway? You bet, humans are messy like that. Always thinking she just might be there only to find he has something else distracting him, or anytime she makes progress, cosmic forces set her back. This fire is raging, affecting not just her, but Phineas, too. Her choice to grow distant makes him miss her. Worst part, he doesn't even understand why it's like this.

In the end, there is only ash. The relationship they had burned to a sliver of what it used to be. The saddest part is, I can't help but think Phineas would try to amend what was wrong, but that clearly fails too, leading to how he probably just thinks Isabella is above him and he doesn't deserve her love (oh hey, that part actually became relevant after all). He too enters a despair over their relationship, just accepting that she's not around anymore despite having stronger feelings than ever for her. He even seems to have a harder time inventing. The last of the fire goes out.

Lucky for them, a phoenix rises from those ashes. In Act Your Age, they finally talk (albeit briefly and in a very rushed scene that sweeps so much under the rug), and they can truly be open with each other again. A new fire is born, one that they can hopefully keep under control.

So what can we gleam from this? I feel like Phineas and Isabella actually could've had a real chance to get together earlier, but as things grew stronger between them, that made things more delicate, too. Not only did the circumstances of their ruthless status quo, but their own flaws ruined thins. Phineas' struggle to understand complex, hard to define emotions like love and his singular focus on what to do, not realising his love language is incomprehensible to Isabella... maybe his own love being incomprehensible to himself (see "I know cute when I see it on my cute tracker" lol). But more importantly, Isabella growing closer but still misreading what Phineas does, her own personal expectations AND fears being heightened by their closer bond, and expecting him to just get what she does. If they DID become closer, more time where he doesn't focus on her probably hurts even more.

In the end, Act Your Age had ideas, but they were afraid to commit to them. They somehow did both too much and too little. I actually think if they had a stronger vision, this episode could've been great, but it would also risk being too serious for Phineas and Ferb, and then people would be mad for DIFFERENT reasons. They didn't think it through, but well, some of us fans are just obsessive enough to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of it all. Because of our own burning fires of passion for this show, and for some of us, this relationship.

[miquellah]

aiming my Frenzied Flame character at you maliciously

ghdfgd I liked thinking about Frenzied Flame characters as these possessing agents who go around being incredibly unsubtle and so I made Aberdon... for his story when the tarnished (prophet who had a Different kinda vision of flame) died to the grafted scion they just. didn't come back. (and additionally was a kinda manfailure who was already Going Through It and was barely getting himself to keep going to the point he died)

Then enters Aberdon! Possessing a copy of the body the same way Hyetta does with Irina or Shabriri with Yura. His particular flavor of Frenzy Plan is "I need to prove to everyone that the lord of frenzied flame is the correct choice." So his run involved doing every single NPC quest, and whenever they got to the point where they might Wish For Death he would deliver it - and the few who decided that they would continue on despite him waiting for them to reach their moment of despair he would just Kill Anyways because it just Incensed Him.

Like the whole thang is he's a spirit of despair born of a truly pathetic person who just wishes to justify his own unhappiness by giving it to everyone else. Going through betraying everyone and just sitting around waiting for them to decide life was no longer worth it.

ghfdg and as a final sidenote while I love evil chars it was also difficult to actually put myself thru it cause I did feel bad a lot when it came time to actually kill npcs for the sake of the character concept

REALLLL not enough people actually put the reincarnation lore to much use, especially in regards to like. whatever the FUCK hyetta and shabriri are doing. that’s so cool… the grafted scion fight actually having Consequences also feels very demons souls, so extra fun

i feel like that sort of route also rly capitalizes on the frenzied flame’s schtick of both “mercy killing” as well as “choosing what (i feel) is right for you”. shabriri obviously tries to coax the tarnished with the END of the path being the big mercy kill, but i haven’t actually thought about all the npc routes fleshing that out as well! nod nods

my frenzy guy is kinda similar, albeit he’s a demigod so its more Personal. he doesnt terribly try to convert others to understanding the chaos tho, he’s a lot more tight-lipped with the intent of just. more or less springing it on everyone at the end HAHA. i would say Aberdon making such a mess might attract a bit of undue attention, butttt when you’re killing everybody in the path regardless, and ABLE to do that. well shouldnt be too much problem then lol

AND YEAHHH ACTUALLY FOLLOWING THROUGH IN-GAME CAN BE SO!! ROUGH. i LIKE playing through each character’s file as IC as possible, but sometimes i will skip particularly painful bits and go “ok well in canon it went another way. WHATEVER”

[seeingstarks]

authorized (r.r x. r.r drabble)

summary : rhea finds herself in the midst of the tribal chief himself, roman. what will happen? pairing : rhea ripley × roman reigns cw : cursing, kissing, innuendos, blowjob, hair pulling, nicknames, sub/dom dynamic a/n : just something small i came up with after watching rhea's promo and as much as i wanna see them feud i can't help but imagine how unstoppable they would be together and how much they'd bicker. x) reblogs are very much appreciated! word count : 716 words tag list : @harmshake

"acknowledge me." the aussie's voice echoed throughout the hallway, a familiar phrase only voiced by the tribal chief himself, few having dared to defy him and failed.

rhea wasn't one to back down from a fight, staring down every single member of the bloodline and spearing them in the process. paul heyman being the only person in her way before her true target, roman reigns.

phone in hand, he dialed up the samoan's number as rhea shook her head with a tsk falling from her dark lips, "i'll do it myself. don't even know why roman keeps you around anyways. you're a useless manager." she yanked the phone from his hands not even caring if she hurt him in the process, fingers pressing down harshly on the keys.

"i'm gonna' bloody kill him! he doesn't mess with dom dom or anyone else for that matter-" rhea was fuming, pacing around the bloodline's locker room which jd had taken over earlier that night, dom was supposed to have matching attire but somehow roman convinced heyman to do his dirty work.

"you wouldn't dare to lay a single hand on heyman, doll. not when i can have those sharp nails wrapped around my neck or proving to the world that mami isn't always on top."

rhea clearly couldn't see roman on the other side of the phone but with how he spoke was with a smirk, smug in tone.

she decided to play along with his so called game, having nothing better to do for the night and get payback for earlier. little did rhea know he was on a jet to see her right now.

"in your nightmares, ro ro. on top no matter the circumstance, bet you're wantin' people to acknowledge you in order to compensate for somethin' else, hm?" rhea had venom in her tone, taunting the samoan with each word however she became more comfortable, laying back against the sofa as she chatted it up more with him, paul making his own quiet leave.

"wouldn't you like to know, sweetheart? good thing you won't have to wait long-" the handle turned and a tall, dark-toned, raven-haired man opened up the door.

rhea jumped up from the sofa, staring daggers into his brown hues. being a few inches shorter than roman the aussie hoped to still intimidate him but roman flashed that shit-eating grin he always did.

instead of it making her stomach turn like usual, it did something else... made rhea press her legs together which roman was quick to take notice.

"look at mami now.. not so immune to me when the tribal chief is infront of her - be a good girl and let daddy take care of you.."

rhea cackled at the man, laughing so hard to the point her ribs hurt and had to catch her breath, "you, my daddy? i'm a grown ass woman, ro. don't need your pencil dick." she scrunched her nose trying to ignore the growing wetness between her legs.

rhea gnawed upon her lower lip, causing some of the black lipstick to smear as she kept eye contact with roman, a few moments passing before they finally pulled one another into a heated kiss battling each other for dominance.

they eventually reached a wall, in which rhea had roman pinned up against it, he could easily reverse her but relished in the fact of being submissive for the woman.

rhea lowered herself as she tugged on his gym shorts and boxers, his exposed length springing free as drool threatened to escape her dark lips, "tell anyone about this and i'll actually kill you."

her lips parted making an "o" shape as her tongue teased the tip of his cock circling it before making way on more of his length, taking it in as roman leaned his head back letting out groans of pleasure.

"that's it, mami." he hummed and reached down to tug at her raven hair before rhea took him deeper, roman starting to thrust his hips against her throat.

"do you acknowledge me now?" he asked with a smirk.

"i acknowledge youmff-" her words were muffled due to having her mouth wrapped around roman's cock, but she was sure he got the point and him calling her mami was icing on the literal cake.

[starsandhughes]

Penalty Box— Trevor Zegras (Part Twenty-One)

SERIES MASTERLIST

previous: twenty

next: twenty-two

SUNDAY, APRIL 2ND

yourusername

liked by trevorzegras, shattdeuces, and 10,877 others

yourusername welcome to my postgame penalty box update: i love my psycho boyfriend edition! he’s psycho bc he grinned like a damn fool post getting ran over and shoved. your masochistic tendencies are showing, baby! (slides five and six for reference)

the ducks put up a mighty fight (get it?!), but lost it in the end 5-4. BUT trevy and jimmy have made it to the bally sports socal ducks opening! which is very exciting! i bounced up and down! AND Z IS AT SIX GAMES SINCE HIS LAST PENALTY!! THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME HE’S REACHED SIX!! HE HAS YET TO MAKE IT TO SEVEN ALL SEASON!!! PLACE YOUR BETS!!

while the ducks lost, i won with the shatty and jamie prank video! z called me right after it originally happened and his voice was still shaking. i laughed my ass off and he was NOT pleased in the slightest, so reliving it and actually getting to see him wet his pants was thrilling! thanks shatty!! i love you!!

i love you, always, z! (please commit hockey sins)

tagged trevorzegras, jamie.drysdale, and shattydeuces

view all 216 comments

trevorzegras not mentioned: y/n and jimmy frequently jump scare me and i am in the market for a new girlfriend and best friend (and roommates)

jamie.drysdale good thing we’re your parents

yourusername you are grounded young man!

trevorzegras I’M OLDER THAN BOTH OF YOU

user1 z will make it to seven i can feel it in my bones

_quinnhughes ma’am, what did we talk about?

yourusername @/jackhughes uh oh

jackhughes it wasn’t me

_quinnhughes @/jackhughes bs you two share one brain cell

yourusername idk what you’re talking about

trevorzegras do we need another intervention?

_quinnhughes @/trevorzegras sadly

jackhughes @/yourusername look what you did

yourusername @/jackhughes i sent screenshots to quinn to prove it was you

jackhughes @/yourusername I THOUGHT WE WERE SOULMATES, YOU TRAITOR!

user2 i think quinn just grounded y/n and jack?

yourusername just jack. i called princess treaty!

user3 z was so smiley this game aw

colecaufield YOU GOT THIS, Z!!!

trevorzegras thanks coley!!

yourusername knew i could count on you for positivity <3

shattydeuces i love you, too, future mrs. z! now what is this princess treaty?

jamie.drysdale it’s complicated

trevorzegras i barely understand it

_quinnhughes i, unfortunately, understand it too well

yourusername dw, i’ll explain after practice tomorrow :)

user4 jamie didn’t even look like jamie in the intro😭

trevorzegras ps i love you, forever🧡

yourusername oh good, i was worried you forgot about me

trevorzegras i could never, beautiful

jackhughes i would like to forget about you

yourusername @/jackhughes i’m all you think about, jacky boy, don’t lie!

jackhughes regretfully

user5 screaming, crying, throwing up, shitting, and pissing myself over trevor’s smile

jamie.drysdale in all seriousness, i’m rooting for ya, z!

trevorzegras in all seriousness, you can stay in the house

colecaufield in all seriousness, i’m actually his best friend

jackhughes in all seriousness, I’M actually his best friend

yourusername @/trevorzegras run

lhughes_06 proud of you, future step dad!

yourusername why has everyone decided this??? we aren’t engaged???

trevorzegras @_quinnhughes

_quinnhughes @/trevorzegras call me

yourusername um… guys?

user6 UM GUYS?!?!

jackhughes manifesting he takes a trip to the sin bin

yourusername (TREVY BABY THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!!) me heckin’ too, jacky boy

trevorzegras oh wow, i wish i knew what my girlfriend was saying

jackhughes @/trevorzegras good luck cracking that code, z

[tmntkiseki]

Actually, going back to yesterday's topic of TMNT 2003 and it's lack of romantic subplots with the turtles themselves, I think this is the part where I mention that TMNT 2003 actually came into my life at just the perfect time?

So a little over a year ago, I ended my first serious relationship as an adult. I don't like talking about my ex too much even now, but we were together for over five years and after the break up, the next several months were spent stewing in a boiling pot of rage, sadness, and regret. I wanna say all my negative feelings towards my ex and our relationship peaked during May - July 2023 and didn't simmer down until around autumn, which coincidentally was about when I started watching TMNT 2003. (I'm also convinced that a lot of the stress from the breakup led to some of the minor-yet-concerning health problems I've been dealing with over the last several months, but I have no way of proving that.)

One of the big problems is that, at the time I broke up with my ex, I tended to watch/play a lot of romance-focused media. Under normal circumstances, I'd still be able to regularly engage with a lot of the shows and video games I normally do without being becoming a bitter ball of anguish. Unfortunately, within a couple of months of breaking up with ex, games I used to love like Rune Factory 4 Special or shows like Snow White with the Red Hair became absolutely unbearable play/watch because of all the negative feelings I had towards my ex. If a love interest wasn't reminding me of my ex with certain...behaviors, I was looking at a relationship onscreen and thinking to myself "Why couldn't we be like that?" It was a nightmare.

Fast forward (lmao) to... god, when did I start watching TMNT 2003? I wanna say I started watching it either late August or early September? The pipeline of how I ended up watching TMNT 2003 is a weird one, but there were a couple of things that stuck out to me when I first started watching it. For starters, even though it was a Western cartoon, there were certain quirks about it that reminded me of the anime I usually watch (namely the fight choreography and being so heavily plot-focused rather than episodic in its storytelling) and I found myself gravitating towards it because of that alone. And I just love the characters. The turtles themselves are incredibly well-rounded with their own strengths and flaws, and the supporting cast and antagonists make the world feel very alive and lived-in. (I personally can't get over how half the time the turtles aren't even attempting to get into trouble; they usually just end up walking into the plot of the week purely by accident.)

But besides that, as I mentioned in my other post, even though there are a couple of romantic subplots in the show, most notably the April/Casey one that spans pretty much the entire series, the turtles themselves never end up entering a serious relationship with anyone. The closest we ever get to romance with one of the turtles is Don's one-sided crush on April, which was never going to go anywhere on account of her being an adult and ending up with Casey, and I wanna say the crush is almost entirely dropped by midway through Season 3. Beyond that, the turtles are never shown becoming physically attracted to anyone and all their important relationships--Splinter, April, Casey, Klunk, Leatherhead, Honeycutt, Sydney, Angel, the Professor, the Justice Force, Traximus, the Daimyo, Usagi, Gen, Renet, the Ancient One, the Acolytes, Cody, Serling, and Starlee--are all strictly platonic. And you know what? That's okay by my book.

It is a fact that society regularly insists that the key to happiness is finding your One True Love and places more emphasis on romantic relationships than platonic ones. I personally don't want to die alone, but at this point in my life, I don't need a romantic relationship to be happy--in fact, I think being in a relationship would just complicate things when I'm still getting my shit together as is. When you look at Leo, Raph, Don, and Mikey within the context 2003, I cannot recall a single moment where one of them complains about how their status as a one-of-a-kind mutant turtle means they'll probably never land a partner and as far as I can tell, they seem perfectly happy as is. They have each other, they have Splinter, April and Casey are there too, Klunk, all their other friends--really, what would giving one of the boys a love interest do for them? The answer; not all that much, honestly. In fact, I feel like the risk of giving any of the 2003 turtles a love interest far outweighs the reward.

Now, mind you, I don't think it's impossible to give one of the 2003 turtles a serious love interest--in fact, I have a lot of thoughts about how it could be done right--and that it actually would be something worth exploring in a reboot/sequel series that'll likely never happen, but again, I don't think that TMNT 2003 suffers for the lack of turtle romances and is perfectly fine as is. 2003!Leo, Raph, Don, and Mikey are very lovable characters and are able to have fulfilling relationships without any of them being romantic in nature and I think that's a good message to send to people, whether you're a young kid or a grown adult. Romance is great, but so is a crushing bear hug from your three brothers, your rat dad, and the two humans you adopted.

[thommi-tomate]

Interview with Thomas (January 9, 2011)

By: Andreas Burkert for Süddeutsche Zeitung

Mr. Müller, where is the Golden Shoe for the best World Cup shooter?

At home, in my games room, where the dartboard and Play Station are. Everything that has now accumulated is on the windowsill. Before it gets dusty in the boxes, I'd rather put it outside.

The reason for your award, Germany's World Cup performance in South Africa, was part of every annual review. Did you watch it when this Müller suddenly walks through the picture?

Of course I've also seen Müller in a few previews. But I don't necessarily have to watch the whole thing. The year went really well and I'm always reminded of that, even if I forget about it; I can't avoid it anymore. But it's over now. I can't buy anything for it anymore. Now I have to prove myself again.

What came up in your personal review of 2010 on New Year's Eve?

It was the World Cup. But there wasn't just one moment for me, there were so many great moments.

You only made your debut for the national team just under ten months ago, in Munich against Argentina.

Yes, that was special. When I heard the national anthem, I thought: Now I've made it, now I'm really where I want to be - (A German tourist of an older age approaches the table and wants an autograph. Müller asks for her understanding that he can't now, but will be happy to do so later) - Well, since the World Cup, even those who don't know much about soccer recognize you.

Just older ladies?

Nah, nah, all the age-group are already there.

Does at least your grandma, who you greeted on TV after the round of 16 against England, have some peace now?

In the meantime, yes. The problem was that my parents, my grandma and the people here in Pähl didn't have a media manager like we did at Bayern or the DFB. But I was back home over the Christmas period and everything was nice and quiet.

People who know you well say: Müller, he doesn't take off, not even now, he doesn't drive a Ferrari yet. Don't you have a quirk? And how do you reward yourself after a year like that?

I once asked myself the same question. We have a great sponsor, so I don't need a new car. But I do sometimes walk past watch stores, but then I see that they are sometimes really expensive. Then I'd rather not, it's not worth it to me. I'm also not a bird of paradise who dyes her hair. My wife rides, which has now become important for us. Apart from that, I really do have everything. I'd have to make my own problems if I wanted to have any.

Do you ride yourself?

I tried it out a year and a half ago. Well, I didn't fall off directly, but I felt sorry for the horse afterwards. The risk is too big for me and the horse.

2011 has started for you with the loss of a title: You no longer have the thinnest legs.

You mean because of Luiz Gustavo? Well, we haven't measured his thighs yet, but it's possible. People always joke about my legs, I know they always have. But don't worry, my mother has already noticed that they don't break much. They were never a problem for me, in fact I think they helped me, even when I was younger. Because if you don't just have your body to fight back with, you also have to use your brain to run certain routes to avoid direct duels.

Is that how this urge came about? Müller goes up top, to where the ball suddenly appears?

Certain things are certainly trained automatisms. But often it's a certain instinct, a feeling for the spaces. I'm glad to have this ability.

In any case, it's difficult to compare your style with another player. Do you perhaps know one?

No, I am somehow unique. There are dribblers who are pretty similar, strikers too, but what am I actually?

Yes, what is Müller?

Hm. Well, what am I? A Raumdeuter (space interpreter) ? Yes, I'm a Raumdeuter. That would be a good title, wouldn't it?

In any case. Because, if I may say so, you do score goals, but particularly beautiful ones are rare. But you are there.

That's true, I'm not known for scoring beautiful goals. But the important thing is when it's in. I've often been accused of being lucky, but if it happens five times in a row at the World Cup, there must be another reason for it

Your former amateur coach Hermann Gerland once said: "Müller can play like shit for 90 minutes - but then he scores a goal.

The statement is correct. I consciously take risks in my game, I often try things on the direct route towards goal that are perhaps great in terms of the idea, but difficult to execute. Mistakes happen, but you have to say to yourself: no more, next time I'll try again. Reviews sometimes say: He tried a lot but didn't succeed. Yes, then it just didn't work out. I try a lot, and there are a lot of rejects. I know that, and that's why I don't drive myself crazy.

Did you get the impression after the World Cup that your opponents adjusted better to your unconventional style?

Not really. The first half of the season was a bit different, I mainly played on the right or left. It just didn't go well for the team overall, no individual player was able to break away from the trend, not even me.

Your roles change frequently. Where would you have Müller play?

I would put Müller behind the front line, which is the position at Bayern that is closer to the opponent's goal and therefore more dangerous. I can penetrate the gaps better from there. You have to be more tactically disciplined on the right and left, and the number seven position in the national team is a different right than at Bayern, because the DFB always swap sides with Mesut Özil. I need a bit of freedom to be able to play on the left or right. That's why I see myself behind the front ten. But I'm versatile and also like to play other roles.

Van Gaal said last season: "Müller always plays for me". Has this confidence made your rise possible?

He didn't even need to make that statement. Because I always had the feeling that he was counting on me.

How did you notice that, his confidence? A year ago it was said that some players were afraid of van Gaal.

Oh, I like talking like him too. He wants to create a certain amount of friction, which is why he prefers his way of talking. I really like his direct manner, we're similar in that respect

You, but also other players, were unusually outspoken in your support of the coach during the critical fall weeks. Out of gratitude?

No, there was no agreement between us, but I think everyone deliberately supported the coach. You could have asked each player individually, independently of each other, and everyone would have told you how convinced they were of him and his philosophy. Of course, in a squad of 25, there is dissatisfaction from players who don't play. But even colleagues like Hamit Altintop or even Martin Demichelis have spoken positively about the coach. And when you see what's happening here in Doha at the training camp, how they're stepping on the gas: This team really enjoys working with this coach.

Were you not worried when President Hoeneß was sharply critical and things were tight with the headstrong coach?

Not really, and after the contract extension I had the feeling that the club management was counting on him. We were all very happy about that, and the coach was also pleased that he had the support of the whole team. That's why there was never any talk of a rift between players and coach.

Then you would actually have to persuade van Gaal to stay as long as you and the others who have now signed such long-term contracts.

I think if push comes to shove, you might be able to do something about it. However, the pressure here in Munich is certainly exhausting and I don't think you can be Bayern coach for ten years without damaging your health.

At 21, you are part of the Lahm/Schweinsteiger generation, which is gradually replacing the Ballack generation. What are the differences?

Football-wise, that's certainly a level. But I think even Michael Ballack experienced different times as a young player when it was more difficult to integrate into teams. There are now many young coaches who bring in their philosophy, with a flatter hierarchy. That perhaps makes it easier for us young players today.

At 21, you've already achieved a lot. What else is there to come?

I want to bite down hard, at a very high level. In ten years' time, I want to say that I've always played at the very top for a decade and my body has endured it, and fortunately so has my head. That's my main goal.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: Pregnancy

We didn’t even manage to stay together for a whole month. How's this supposed to work with with N. & me? We're having a Baby soon. That means, I’m forever bound to him, whether I want it or not. But I wanted him! Maybe if I didn’t love him and didn’t care about him, it would have been easier? I wanted to make it work with us, but N. broke up with me. 😭... I think, Nico was actually right? This became clear to me, 2 weeks after he dumped me. I sat at my desk, to study for my exam. As I tried to concentrate, I noticed that Daniel’s photos above my desk distracted me.. Why can’t I just take Daniel’s photos off that damn wall to put them away, I asked myself?... The last days I’ve been thinking about, what’s wrong with me, bcs everyone’s letting me down. Now I got my answer! The moment I thought about all this, I was ashamed of myself! I let it happen again. 2 Men, you know? Agh, somehow I had to puke? 🙄🤮...... Was probably my first pregnancy nausea. I was to slow. Instead of puking in the toilet, I throw up next to it. Well, near-miss is still a miss! 🤦‍♀️

I have to file for divorce, I told myself. I can’t go on like this forever. D. was gone! But loved him, sm. 💔Still, I had to end this! No matter what happens to Nico and me, I had to draw a line,  to finally accept that.... Daniel and I failed.😞

Back to the fight between N. and me 2 weeks ago. After finishing the conversation with my Grams, I went over to my bedroom. Nico was waiting for me. I was still thinking about my Grama and her twins... I started to tell Nico about it, but he didn’t listen to me? His phone buzzed. Constantly! I was annoyed, you know. I asked him, to put it away. But Nico didn’t react! So I went closer to him... I wanted to know what distracted him? He knew I was standing right next to him! I thought he’d try to hide his phone from me, to prevent me from seeing what he was doing? But he was totally relaxed. This encouraged me, to take a look at it. Damn, I saw Stephanie!! She sent him her fucking selfies. 😡

Me: You lied to me! You didn’t break up with her!

Nico: I didn't lie! I, don't lie!!! ... Hm, I need to change my number. 😕... But I swear, it's OVER!

Me: Prove it! Text her back! Tell her, you never want to see her again and you’re sick of her.

Nico: She already knows that! She knows I love you! She saw it herself! She saw us together. Or did you forget?

Me: She didn't saw us togehter! The only thing she noticed, is that I cried and left your apartment! You, didn't give shit about that! You didn’t try to stop me! And that’s exactly what she saw & noticed! ... You still fall for her pityscam.

Nico: No, I don't...😞😞...

Me: What happend to you, N.? I don't recognize you like this ... Why are you such a candy-ass with her?... Where is that mad asshole you used to be?

Nico: I don't want to be mad 😞 ... Come to me, babe. I wanna hug you.

Me: ???😦 ... NO! Get off me! Don't touch me!

Nico: I told you what I want and expect from you! You have to trust me!

Me: Did you expect or demand the same from Stephanie too? Or are you just playing your crazy mind games with me?

Nico: I’m honest! I demand those... certain things, only from you! I told you I chose you! But I see you still don’t quite understand me. That’s why you’re gonna listen to me now and do what I say. I feel like you’re not taking me seriously.

Me: Are you kidding???

Nico: Why would I kid you?... Agh, whatever! What interests me far more is.... Why are Daniel’s photos still hanging around here?

Me: I wanted to put them away! But Dilek was here. We were studying. And... I didn’t want her asking me stupid questions about D., so I didn’t do it in front of her.

Nico: You're always thinking up excuses, babe... Sit down! And listen to me well!...... I'll go. I don’t want to! Honestly not! But you leave me no choice....

Me: Are you ending this? Us?

Nico: Let me finish! When I’m done, you can talk.

Me: You got a lot of nerve, talking to me like this. You know?... You’re only leaving me, bcs Stephanie threatened to hurt herself or something.🙁😢

Nico: You don't get it!... It’s not about her! She’s with her parents! I don’t care what she does. She’s not my responsibility anymore. Agh, anyway! It’s no use debating for hours. I take off! You need to learn and understand me.

Me: And.... what about our Baby? You’re letting me down on this thing? It’s your Baby! You have to take care of your child too. That’s not fair that everything sticks to me while you continue to enjoy your freedom and your life. I thought I could rely on you...I always fall for the same shit.

Nico: I won’t let you & our Baby down. I keep my word, I’ll do my best for her or him. Just... you and I, won’t be together. But I’m here until september. I can support you in everything you need for our Baby.

Me: Sure. Like... Isabella & Philip did, right? I get why Isabella took off! Philip is an ass, just like you! 😠.... 🙁

Nico: I’m not like P.! But I don't want to say any more... just one thing! If you love me and want us to be together, as it should be! Get a divorce finally! Cut it with D.! Alone. Without me!... As soon as you get the divorce petition in writing, you’ll get me back, if you still want to. Your parents know about us. I even talked to your Dad. They all know about our Baby. There are no more excuses to postpone or wait for divorce. But you don’t care, you’re doing absolutely nothing to move this thing forward. Instead, you want to see Daniel’s brother. Anyway, do what feels right for you. I said what I had to say.

Me: I understand 🙁 .... but.. please don't go! Stay with me. I'm gonna do what you said.

Nico: I don't want to, but...agh, damn it!.. I have to go, or you won’t change anything. Don’t disappoint me! Do the right thing. I trust you! You come back to me, I know that. But now, I have to leave you alone. I'm so sorry. 🙁🤦‍♂️

He left! 😨In his.... sleepwear. I swear! Nico left in his shorts and a shirt. But okay, he just got in his car. He didn't have to take the subway or anything. I wasn’t feeling well afterwards. I had a killer Dejavu! It felt like when he left me a year ago... He said he talked to my Dad. Did my Dad talk Nico into some shit again?... However, I have to end my marriage to... finish this chapter and move on. 😞I also noticed that I never stopped loving N. I still loved him, as I did then. Now I was in love with two men again. I know, that sounds good to some. I’ve been asked a few times, why I complain about it? But trust me, it doesn’t feel good, it........hurts. We're running in circles, hurting each other, though we don’t want or intend to, it still happens....all the time.

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