#not to self dx but something is wrong etc etc idk if this is just the bipolar shit or what LMAO

[morganpdf]

mental health apps or whatever that are like "so what was your mood today?" make me so ??? gamer i have many moods and they change from like hour to hour or even in 15 minutes. like yeah i can be ready to be put in the dirt but ill be ok(ish) in 45 minutes. do i average the moods. how do i average them. this means nothing to me. be specific

[doggycorpse]

intro

hi i’m charlie (he/it) i’m 20 yrs old, autistic, transmasc, bisexual, polyamorous, and goth.

this is my blog for just random miscellaneous shit; stuff about my life, reposts, whatever i feel like putting here idk

i have other blogs on tumblr, if u know me from those then please be respectful here <3

DNI if u are: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, pro israel, anti self dx, anti age regression, anti therian/otherkin, etc. just be kind <3

about me

one of the biggest parts of my identity is my therianthropy. i’m a psychological therian, it’s caused by trauma and also probably autism. i am an alien dog holothere, and a zombie kin. if u wanna know more about that, feel free to ask but don’t be an asshole ill just block u

i am also an age regressor ! since im a dog, it’s also technically pet regression :3 i started regressing involuntarily around like 11 yrs old, and then discovered the online community of regressors this year so i started regressing voluntarily sometimes too ! :3 my involuntary regression is caused by trauma, don’t be rude about it its not my fault >:( also age regression is 100% NON SEXUAL do not fucking sexualize it i will obliterate u 👿👿👿 it is completely separate from my kinks, so pls be respectful <3

i’m also very into kink stuff :3 but i’m not gonna post anything about that here i have my other blog for that ;3

me and my partner are both poly so i am open to relationships too! i prefer to be with other trans or queer people :3 don’t be shy to dm me if ur interested in me ;3 also open to making friends!

my interests

• SPONGEBOB !!!!!!! i will probably be posting so much spongebob stuff i love spongebob so much i am the worlds number one spongebob fan (he was number one) fr if u don’t like spongebob get tf out of here who put u on this planet fr eugh /j, ref. i’ve loved spongebob my whole life so yeah its a very big part of me, a part of my soul :3

• animals: animals have also always been a huge interest of mine, i love spongebob and animals equally. i love animals more than humans most of the time because i feel like i can understand them easier, animals are so kind and pure and they don’t have weird social rules, they’re pretty easy to understand with their body language and stuff. I’ve always felt deeply connected with animals, and especially dogs because i am one :3

• psychology: i lovvvvveeee learning stuff about psychology, i think human brains are soooo interesting and i always think of things in a psychological way. my main focus has been autism because its the thing i relate to the most so it’s extremely fascinating to learn about it, but i love learning about any psychological things. this interest started with me trying to figure out why i hated myself and wanted to die so much in middle school and why it seemed like there was something innately wrong with me, turns out the answers to all my questions about myself could be found in autism research LOL

• my little pony g4: i started watching mlp when i was 10 and instantly fell in LOVE with it its such an amazing show and i love all the characters so much, but especially fluttershy because she’s literally me. i relate to her sooooo much because i have an issue with talking irl like it becomes really difficult or impossible for me to talk sometimes, or i can only get out a whisper of a voice so no one can even hear me (autism or selective mutism idk). when people tell me to speak louder i start losing my voice even more, so the scenes where fluttershy is trying to speak louder but ends up only being quieter are SO relatable to me like thats actually me fr. and plus her main interest is animals like me!!!! and she lives in a cottage which like,,, i’ve always wanted to live in a cottage 😵‍💫 hehe yea i love that show and i love fluttershy <3

• bluey: me and my partner love watching bluey together !! we like to imagine having a family like that of our own in the future <3 its such a nice show and we wanna be cool fun epic parents like bandit and chili 🥰 also anyone who’s like “ew bluey is a kids show” uhhh yea it is but bro u obviously haven’t seen it lmao that shit hits hard sometimes, its made me and my partner cry a few times lmao. it is for kids but its directed towards the whole family so it can be for parents or people who wanna have kids too! or just anyone who enjoys it 🤷🏻 like, just let people enjoy things, it’s not hurting anyone if an adult enjoys childish things. its a really really great show, and epic for when im regressing too! :3

• it’s always sunny in philadelphia: this is one of my fav shows ever AAAAA i love it lmao. its also so amazing to watch while high, like its already funny but so much funnier after smoking lmaooo. charlie is my favorite, he’s just like me fr (minus the racism and being a horrible person in general) he’s just a silly little guy hehe :P he was partial inspo for my name bc i wanna give silly lil guy vibes like that hehehe 😜 but i mean not rly , because i just always loved the name charlie and felt drawn to it lol, i didn’t actually name myself after anyone in particular but there are charlies in a few things that i enjoy. i also think dennis is so funny i love his rants lolll.

• smiling friends: i loveeee smiling friends all the characters are amazing and the humor is top tier lmfao if u like smiling friends, be my friend fr i love that show its insane lmao. mr frog is my fav i love saying “um, hello” or “hello, but i’m not sorry” LMAO

• goth music: i like to listen to the cure, siouxsie and the banshees, bauhaus, type o negative, sisters of mercy, alien sex fiend, 45 grave, etc. if you want, u can ask me to send u my playlist on spotify :3

tagging

#charlie speaks- random thoughts, rambles

#charlie’s pics- my pictures

#spongeposting- spongebob related stuff

[starstruckvega]

Quick Opinion Share bc idk, wanna

TW :: While this isn't discourse per say, it is a very mildly critical look at self dx in younger teens. If you have RSD or are generally sensitive to that kind of thing, please go no further! Remember to take your meds, get a snack, and drink some water! I love you! /platonic

So a thing I've noticed a lot recently is younger kiddos (like 13-15) self-dxing with cluster b disorders like NPD, BPD, ASPD, etc and it has gotten me thinking.

So I will be totally honest, am I completely positive these kids DO have these disorders? Nah, not really. Hormones are a bitch and at that age, I thought I was schizophrenic (news flash, I have OSDD and Psychosis is all).

Am I going to absolutely treat them like they have those disorders anyways? Abso-fucking-lutely. Because even if I am skeptical that does not take away their experiences, that does not make what they feel and think any less valid. If anyone, no matter what age, tells me they have a disorder, I am going to believe them. Because there are only 3 options.

They do actually have that disorder

They have a lot of symptoms very similar to that disorder, so therefore the coping mechanisms and community help based around them will still benefit then greatly.

They're lying and an asshole.

And even if it IS that last one, that is very much not my circus not my monkeys and if they feel the need to lie about something, they def still need help and attention. They still deserve love and care.

Idk, I just wanted to voice my thoughts on things. Let people know where I stand. On the end of "I'm p skeptical bc I know what I thought was going on at that age and I was wrong, but I still deserved care and help and so do they."

so ye, that's all! a share of my opinion! I love you, remember to take your meds, you are loved and valid.

Also as a disclaimer: Even if you do end up being wrong about your brain stuff, that does not make you less valid. It does not make you a bad person. I have been wrong about my own mental health so, so many times in the past. It happens, it's ok that it happens. You are discovering more about yourself and that is COMPLETELY natural. I am giving you a forehead kiss (if you consent) and a snack.

Also obvs this is not a vague post about anyone, just a trend I've noticed while perusing tumblr! If you try to bring discourse here or harass anyone, I am exploding you with my mind. Ty!

[petewentzisblack1312]

Thank you for your response about the self dx thing. Idk I mean I am in nursing school so I can see both sides of the argument and like… okay yes now that I have 3yrs of medical knowledge and clinical exp I am more knowledgeable about diabetes and heart disease and depression and anxiety and etc than maybe the general population (still nurses don’t diagnose in the US at least) but like even without that knowledge idk. You know your body better than anyone else does and you know if something is wrong even if you don’t have the medical terminology to put it into correct words. I think in general our health education SUCKS in this country (and probs in the rest of the world) and that is part of what I think led to the self dx “movement” if you can call it that bc these kids knew something was wrong and would look it up on web md. If we checked in with kids more maybe they would get diagnosed!!! But I digress before I go on a rant lol.

Idk but I like your argument that “so what if you’re wrong as long as you find ways to make it more manageable”. Exactly. I mean a lot of therapeutic techniques are similar for all mental disorders and none of them are going to hurt if you try them and they don’t work and I find when I manage my anxiety my other symptoms are better too so it all goes hand in hand

But anyway thank you this makes me feel a lot better and idk I think recently being able to even just self identify “I am going through a depressive phase right now” has been helpful and just journaling it out helps so I can see where I’m at this week compared to last week. You are always so thorough in your responses and it’s very helpful :)

im glad i was of help! i wish you all the best.

[lightspren]

incoming a way longer than originally intended rant post about anxiety and mental health shit lmao nothing too heavy but still, heads up and all

i’m so. so so. so sooooo. tired of random shit giving me chest-pain level anxiety. like. hearing the wind blow shouldnt immediately make my insides want to die! but it’s leaving me sitting there waiting for the gust to stop, hoping to god the tree we can’t afford to cut down doesn’t fall on our house. repeatedly. every time I can hear the wind. all day long. (i put on headphones earlier so I could have some peace)

and I changed the engine air filter on my car yesterday, something that’s super easy and took like a minute. but something was a tiiiiny bit different than the multiple videos I watched on how to do it. so of course I spent the fifteen minute drive to the grocery store later that day worried my car was going to blow up, or I was ruining the engine bc I did it wrong, etc etc etc.

i’m Tired y’all and the option the psych gave me to help was adding an SSRI to my meds and 1. i don’t want more meds dear god I’m on so many, 2. idk if I can AFFORD more meds, but more importantly 3. SSRI’s (and serotonergic drugs in general) have never played nicely with my body. at best they don’t work. at worst they make me irritable, moody, give me diarrhea, absolutely remove my sex drive, or just cause a general sense of Blah. I ain’t fucking with it my man. yeah that’s like. the ONE SSRI i haven’t been on. but shit dude, even if it helped the anxiety, what else would it take away?? I don’t want to spend three to six months playing with dosages to find out. i’m Tired. and I’m pretty sure therapy would help more than meds, but I don’t have time, or money, and frankly probably don’t have the self discipline to make anything stick anyway.

and what. is the FUCKING deal. with us going up on the Nuvigil dosage (a med to treat fatigue, it’s not quite a stimulant but it promotes wakefulness and focus), and almost two weeks later i’m even more fucking exhausted. why. HOW. is it coincidental timing with my period coming? as far as I can tell it’s impossible for the med to be doing it. I know ADHD and stimulants do some fuckery, but it’s not even really a stimulant and Idk 100% that I have ADHD (and yes I will continue adding that disclaimer until/unless I get an actual dx bc I am the trash queen of doubting my own experiences, gaze upon my vast empire of bullshit). i just would like to know a How in the Fuck, yanno?? yanno????

and I don’t need sympathy or anything here I’ll be okay i just need to scream for a few minutes yanno. i’m frustrated about way more things than i should even get into here rn but my brain being functional would help a fuck ton. but nooo. i should sleep before i implode. first i should take my as needed sleep med so that the FUCKING WIND. OF ALL THINGS. DOESNT KEEP ME AWAKE. I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS WHAT WEVE COME TO. **implodes**

[astrifica]

Hey! While I was professionally diagnosed with some things, I have done a lot of research and have self diagnosed myself with multiple things. I feel like an attention seeker bc there are so many, yet it all seems to be true to me. Arfid, cptsd,ocd, Tourette’s, pots, asthma, asd, bpd, avpd, schizoaffective Maybe, body dysmorphia, sad, dermatillomania, adhd, and capd. Prof dx are mdd pdd gad Nd spd but idk others bc doc was unclear. Is this okay? Am I an attention seeker?

Hey, I don’t think you’re an attention seeker at all and yes this is completely okay!

Self diagnosing is something you do when you are struggling to begin with, you’re not making up the fact that you’re experiencing any of the symptoms you have that fit these diagnoses by simply giving words to them. 

Even if it were to turn out the symptoms could be better explained by something else, that doesn’t mean you were ever faking said symptoms or using self diagnosis for attention. There can be a lot of overlap between different disorders, and due to that even doctors themselves regularly get it wrong. 

Self diagnosis isn’t a tool for getting people’s attention, it’s a tool for figuring out how to help yourself, especially in cases where you’re not receiving adequate medical care in some form. 

A lot of people tend to misunderstand self diagnosis, thinking self diagnosis is just seeing something relatable and immediately going “oh I clearly have this disorder now!” rather than the researching it actually involves. 

Individuals who have a professionally diagnosed disorder, and individuals who have a self diagnosed disorder are equally as valid and worthy of using resources for said disorder, having their needs and things they struggle with respected, being taken seriously, and being listened to. Because regardless of whether either has a correct diagnosis, they still experience the symptoms that fit said diagnosis in some form regardless of if it could be better explained by something else. 

It’s things like those within self diagnosis that tend to be seen as attention seeking, when in reality it’s someone who’s actively experiencing symptoms that impair their functioning and therefore needing to be treated accordingly. 

When someone doesn’t have a professional diagnosis, it can be the case that they aren’t getting their symptoms validated and seen as much as someone who does. This often results in them not having their symptoms treated (or at least not well) and sometimes even having their conditions actively worsened, that can of course show in their general functioning. Because sadly, lack of a professional diagnosis doesn’t mean lack of symptoms.

That doesn’t make them attention seekers though, it literally just makes them individuals with inadequately treated symptoms, or even individuals who are having their conditions worsened by them not being recognised. 

Self diagnosis can be a necessary tool due to that, as it’s often the only way to help themselves in these cases because others aren’t. It helps individuals understand themselves and how to help themselves through that. 

Additionally, it’s entirely possible and often even more common to have multiple disorders rather than just one. This is especially common when it comes to disorders that develop due to a traumatising childhood experiences as it happens throughout your developmental stages, resulting in therefore not being able to develop normally which often shows in more than one way.

This shows a lot in personality disorders for example, which often come in more than one and tend to result in a lot of co-morbid symptoms and disorders (eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety based disorders, etc.).

This can also be physically straining, and therefore result in physical illnesses on top of it, which is very likely one of the reasons why things such as fibromyalgia are as common in people with trauma based mental health problems.

On top of that, individuals with neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism spectrum disorders, adhd, and schizophrenia, are more prone to developing traumas/being traumatised by things than someone without those disorders.

Then of course there’s also still genetic predisposition. The high stress levels and instability of traumatising experiences, especially long term ones, can result in more easily developing things you’re genetically predisposed to, leading to it even being more likely to end up with multiple disorders.

These are all factors why individuals often end up with multiple disorders. None of them making it any less valid.

Not all doctors are for individuals having as many diagnoses though, which can result in them for example fitting all the symptoms in a larger diagnosis (see PDNOS for example) or mostly diagnosing the most prevalent ones, and then specifying additional symptoms under that without diagnosing them as something else. This doesn’t mean you don’t still fit the criteria of the things it could also be diagnosed as though and the diagnoses technically still mean the same!

I also want to add that attention seeking is entirely misunderstood. Generally speaking we need attention to some degree due to being social creatures. When those needs aren’t being met especially due to forms of emotional neglect/abuse, it can result in going to more desperate measures to receive that need. Because it is just that: a need, not a want.

It can also be the case where people need to go to those more desperate measures due to medical neglect/abuse, as there is something wrong, it’s just not being recognised and treated. 

“Attention seeking” doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong, it’s a symptom in itself and an indication that something is wrong. 

If someone needs to actively “seek attention”, then that’s a fault of those that are supposed to, and aren’t providing, said attention. Even when attention seeking shows in the form of lying and faking things, as just because they have to lie and fake that, there’s still an underlying problem that isn’t being given attention that’s causing this. 

I hope any of this could be of help, and please don’t hesitate to send me any further asks if needed! ♡

[winsister91]

>send an ask: get to know your author ---> all the number >:3

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Damn. Did not expect this. Well you asked for it!! 

Lemme just go ahead and pop a ‘keep reading’ here coz this shit’s gonna get lengthy.

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?Got a ton of ideas I noted down and still haven't got around to doing? Does that count? I’m lazy and think faster than I write.

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?Published online? Not really. Unpublished? LOADS.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?Generally chronological when doings fanfics. The piece of shit novel that I’ll never finish has been all over the place.

4) favorite character you’ve writtenAlways love writing Dean

5) character you were most surprised to end up writingDidn’t expect a request to write Richard Speight Jnr fluff! Shocked me a little. But it was fun to do!

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change nowI ballsed up Three Wrongs Make a Right. I had a vision for the ending, but then went off in a completely different direction and backed myself into a corner. Now I dont know how to continue it DX

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?Bit of both I guess. I’m more comfortable with strangers reading my stuff tho. There’s a very select few people I know IRL who have actually read stuff I’ve done. I’ll tell people I write, if they ask to see it, nine times out of ten it’s a huge HELL NO.

8) favorite genre to writeWhen writing original works, I always fall into fantasy. Fanfics I'm a sucker for fluff.

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?I listen to game/movie soundtracks! I dunno why, just helps me visualise stuff and get in the groove.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?Alone with background noise.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?Pfft. I don’t think it has haha I’m maybe more confident in actually doing it these days maybe?

12) your weaknesses as an authorGRAMMAR. Super dialogue heavy. Suck at setting and describing scenery.

13) your strengths as an author:S IDK. I may be dialogue heavy but I’d like to think it’s decent dialogue at least?

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?Nah.

15) why did you start writing?Simple, I just enjoy it. Writing is super hard tho, but I enjoy attempting to tell stories and hope it entertains someone :)

16) are there any characters who haunt you?*shrugs* dont think so?

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?LEARN TO GRAMMAR. QUICKLY COZ YOU STILL CAN’T DO IT AGED 26 FGS YOU HAVE AN A-LEVEL IN ENGLISH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?Uuuh...maybe? I’m not observant enough to notice coz I’m a dumb :3

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?PLAN PLAN PLAN. Or just wing it and hope for the best. Depends on my mood.

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?I came to Tumblr during a fortnight off work, so the sessions were looooong and stretching into the stupidly early morning hours. Then I had to go back to work *sulk*. so now its more short bursts coz I’m too damn tired all the time.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?This sucks. That sucks. Why do I subject people to this trash? NB: this applies to current works too.

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?If it makes me that uncomfortable, I simply won’t write it I guess. Is that cowardly? I don’t like writing abuse.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?Lived in a pub in my childhood, have always worked in customer services so I have met and spoken too some nice/fun/weird/creepy people over the years. No doubt some of them will have creeped into the writings. Again, I’m not observant enough to fully notice tho.

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?I wouldn’t say ‘expert’ but I got a request to write a migraine fic (which can be found heeeeere), and I’ve never experienced one. So I did some googling, found a page where people described how a migraine actually felt to them, looked up suggested home remedies, what happens when a migraine comes on etc etc The overall feedback I got from that fic was that I got the description pretty damn accurate! Which was pretty cool :) I would never wish a migraine on anybody btw.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud ofOh god...guess I better scavenge and see if I actually like any of it...Okay, I’m gonna go with this chunk out of This Means War

“Round 1You skulk up to the blonde Dean has been chatting up just as he goes to the bar to grab them both a drink.“Hey,” you whisper and the girl turns to you puzzled, “My sister hooked up with that guy a week or so ago. Crabs.”Dean approaches while you dance with a baby-faced cutie.“Again?” he says, pulling out his fake FBI ID, “I'll let you off this night Miss Spankalot, but I catch you in here looking for customers again, I'll have to take you in.” Round 2You run up and slap Dean amongst a group of girls on their hen night.“You bastard!” You cry over dramatically, “You're other wife just called to tell you she's pregnant! With triplets!”“She's loopy that one,” Dean mumbles to your next victim, “I heard she pokes holes in condoms and goes crazy screaming you'll be the perfect happy family.” Round 3Dean wanders over to the guy eyeing you up. You watch as he points at you and lip read him saying, “Has a penis.”You make eye contact over Dean’s shoulder to the brunette he's charming. You lean forward, nodding you head towards Dean and announcing, “Micro-penis.””I just really enjoyed writing this chunk. Fun and pranky Dean is always a joy. I like how ridiculous he and reader are getting over a silly bet and determined to one up and sabotage each other. One of my finer moments in attempted comedy I feel :)

THERE ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! (That was actually really fun, thankyouloveyoubye)

[super-rainbows]

tnhrbfvcwec

Rainbow: check how long it’s been since we last did this

Ethan: About 1.5 months, but about 3 months(?) since we were doing it kinda consistently. To be fair, you do both have twitter, so there’s that.

Rainbow: yeah, I guess, but 1 of us talking into the void is different from 2 or all of us talking together. oh yeah, since we mentioned this in the last conversation post: lol @. the psychiatrist being like “oh, you’re incapable of feeling happy or enjoying anything and you’re constantly anxious? oh well, you stopped taking codeine so you’re basically fine”.

Ethan: It’s like a paradox: If I am getting high, people are like “well, you need to stop getting high first before we can try to solve anything”, but now that I’m not, they’re like, “well, you’re not getting high anymore, so nothing else matters”. Dx

Rainbow: the self medicating with st john’s wort thing seems to be working, though. so at least there’s that.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: to me it’s a good thing. I mean 1. it’s actually helping, and 2. you’re taking 1/3 of the recommended dose of a herbal supplement. like nobody can call that dangerous or anything, lol.

Jamie: Theoretically they could criticise mixing it with the mood stabiliser thing, since that’s clearly amplifying it. And obviously also be careful mixing it with anything else.

Ethan: Yeah, I know.

Rainbow: is it a thing that you can’t mix weed with ssris, or is that just you, or does weed just fuck you up horribly in general?

Ethan: I don’t know. The last one is definitely true anyway, but yeah, I’m not sure. Either way, it’s not like it was a bad experience. It would’ve been better if I’d been with people I knew better, but it was still fine.

Rainbow: I don’t think anything can really improve the experience of losing like all sensory processing ability.

Ethan: It was mostly auditory, and I don’t have the best auditory processing to begin with, and there were definitely multiple people all talking at the same time with music in the background.

Rainbow: yeah but it hadn’t been quite as much of a completely incoherent mess. like either way I’m starting to think it’s weed that fucks up your memory more than anything else (well, when you mix it with other things).

Jamie: To be fair, it could be like, a combination of x number of things and weed tends to be the one pushing it over the edge. idk though.

Rainbow: yeah, I’m not sure. I mean it’s hard to know what different times all had in common if you can’t really remember them. XD though actually you don’t remember last Thursday night super well either, do you?

Ethan: Just from like 3am to 5am ish. Which I think kinda points to the “x number of things” theory, since I think that was around the time I took more codeine or caffeine pills or something.

Rainbow: lol. honestly though everything about that night is like. ridiculous. as I think I said, it’s the kind of thing you could tell stories about, like “one night I went out...”

Jamie: I agree and I wanna laugh but like omg.

Rainbow: lolol. “do you want glitter?” “no, but do you want ecstasy?” actually I forget, why were you talking to that person? or what did you say?

Ethan: I have no idea. I would be willing to bet that I was offering them something, but it might’ve been a cereal bar or something. Because I don’t think I got out the rainbow face paint and glitter until after 3am. Actually, they offered me gum, but I don’t remember if there was some exchange before that.

Rainbow: “by “friend” I mean this person I only met an hour ago”

Ethan: It’s not like I could’ve said that. “I’m staying the night with this person I just met, so I guess I’ll be home tomorrow sometime”

Rainbow: lol. and yeah when someone puts a sock on their door handle doesn’t that indicate they’re having sex in the room specifically, as opposed to general “do not disturb”?

Ethan: I have no idea. I don’t know if this person meant it like that. Either they didn’t, or they just changed their mind or something, I guess.

Rainbow: hmm. and yeah I know we found that funny at the time (I still do) but it makes you uncomfortable now, so sorry, I guess.

Ethan: I’m just suspicious and confused. Though I didn’t feel suspicious or unsafe at all at the time. And I also know that in general I’d probably feel unsafe around anyone in that situation (if I was sober), as in, it’s a reflection on me as opposed to on them.

Rainbow: yes you do tend to feel unsafe or threatened when you don’t necessarily need to, but also I think it’s kinda reasonable not to feel super safe or comfortable in the house of some person you don’t even know?

Jamie: Isn’t that a thing normal people do, though? Like go to bars and/or nightclubs and find a person and either take them to their house or go over to theirs, and presumably have sex? Or is that just like on tv etc?

Rainbow: well, I wouldn’t know, lol. I guess it is a thing? but like do they really feel safe doing that?? oh yeah also and last Tuesday, “I’m just gonna walk the ENTIRE BUS ROUTE at fucking 2am!!”

Ethan: It was fine, it was fun, and it didn’t take as long as I’d thought it might. :P

Rainbow: you managed to injure both ankles doing it, somehow. also it only didn’t take too long because you were walking at a fucking ridiculous speed, like 2x as fast as you usually walk I think. well, not twice as in “usually 3mph now 6mph” but like “usually 3mph now 4.5mph”

Jamie: That’s not “twice”.

Rainbow: it is if you use a different scale.

Jamie: ???

Rainbow: you get what I mean

Jamie: Yeah, I know, sorry.

Rainbow: oh yeah!! the therapist person!! firstly like two weeks ago or whatever, “well I’m not really qualified to deal with split personality or schizophrenia or whatever this is” lolol.

Ethan: Yeah, like clearly not, if you think that 1. dissociative disorders are called “split personality” (I guess that isn’t technically wrong? But that’s not what it gets called) and 2. they’re even remotely similar to schizophrenia. Though (no offence or anything) I feel like he shouldn’t even act as though he takes me/us seriously.

Rainbow: I mean I agree in the sense that we all know pretty well that we don’t meet the criteria for DID or fit the presentation or whatever anything like that, and likely not OSDD(whichever number) either. but I mean that isn’t really a reason to be like that you’re lying and we don’t exist and all our+your experiences are fake or anything. so I’m glad he takes us seriously in that regard. though I’m not in favour of him telling the psychiatrist that I’m a horrible person and/or insinuating that somehow you’re suicidal just because I sometimes am. he really doesn’t seem to get that we consider ourselves separate people and so of course I wouldn’t kill you just because I wanted to die. in the same way as pretty much nobody would kill someone else if they wanted to die.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: lol. anyway so, it’s not super clear what he meant when he said “why don’t you try and integrate the emotions they hold” or something. like if he just meant for you to feel your own emotions instead of pushing them onto us, then 10/10 I’m in favour of that. but if he meant the kind of “integrate” where me and Jamie wouldn’t exist, then no, 0/10.

Ethan: I don’t want that, either, though I also don’t think it would work, since the whole “integration” thing is only for DID, isn’t it? And it also seems to assume that both of you only consist of specific emotions, like that you don’t have any existence or personality apart from that.

Rainbow: yeah. I also don’t entirely get it, like, if you were to start being more resentful of your mom or something, why would I suddenly not be? or alternatively, if you take some thing where I have a distinct presence of it and Jamie has a distinct absence of it, how would you “integrate” those two opposite things? would it cancel out into the kinda indifference that you already have right now anyway? or would you actively both like and dislike x thing at the same time, or what? and I’m assuming you couldn’t “integrate” genders, right? because what would that even end up as? 100% male and simultaneously 95% female and also simultaneously genderfluid? like you’d have three genders where two were stable and one switched around?? that’s just unnecessary and excessive, lol. or what about where you have a certain trait and me or Jamie has the opposite? would your trait disappear in favour of ours? anyway yeah obviously my real point is I don’t like the idea and don’t want it. just unless certain things were gonna cancel out, you’d just end up being three different people under one identity. in terms of traits etc.

Ethan: It’s not like I’m the most stable in that regard already, anyway.

Rainbow: yeah but you’re never multiple conflicting traits at the same time, you just switch between them. arguably that would average out to you containing conflicting things all at the same time, but they aren’t all present simultaneously.

Ethan: Yeah, and the switching between “I want to look really masculine!” and “I want to look really feminine!” etc is all as me. I don’t think it’s from “being” either of you, or anything like that. That is, my personal switching of traits etc is a different experience to there being three of us existing.

Rainbow: well yeah. oh yeah also: well done for going through the whole week (college week like) without getting high!! that’s like a record for you, isn’t it? XD like seriously, you haven’t been in college without taking codeine ever, and you haven’t been in any academic setting without being high since like 5th year. and I’m almost tempted not to count that since you were a complete mess, missed most of the year, and were high for a few months there, too. so seriously, well done, 10/10, proud of you.

Ethan: Thanks. :/ (I do appreciate it, and I’m glad/impressed too, but *shrugs*)

Jamie: *throws confetti* :P

Ethan: xD

Jamie: Seriously though, I’m super glad and proud of you. (heart) (does doing hearts break the post, or is that just on mobile? I’ll just be safe and not do one)

Ethan: It’s just weird to me. It reminds me of like 1st-3rd year. I know I was high during 2nd and 3rd year, but DXM and St John’s wort feel vaguely similar (obviously since they’re both SSRIs).

Rainbow: hmm yeah. st johns wort spaces you the fuck out, but seemingly only like 10% as much as DXM did (due to the massively different doses you’re taking, obviously). honestly st johns wort seems like magic so far.

Ethan: Yeah! It’s amazing, it’s so much easier to do things that would normally be terrifying, like talk to people, send emails, use bathrooms, etc. I feel like at some point I’ll probably get used to this dose and it won’t do anything anymore, though.

Rainbow: is that even meant to happen with ssris? it never happened with dxm.

Ethan: I think it happens with most SSRIs. DXM is just weird, I think.

Rainbow: anyway, your strategy of lowering the dose and/or not taking it, on the weekend might help. idk though. it stays in your system longer than like caffeine, doesn’t it? so your tolerance probably wouldn’t swing up and down as drastically.

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol. 

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :> 

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^ 

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times. 

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too! 

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3