#outlast video essay

[brybryby]

Hi hi! So I’ve been outlining a Video Essay to inspect Outlast’s portrayal of the relationship between US capitalism and queerness (along with immigration/xenophobia due to Trials coming up) and…

…I was initially going to keep it private within my IG circle, but after spending hours searching up academic articles and master’s theses discussing heteronormativity and social theory—as well as revisiting textbooks from the few philosophy and gender/racial studies courses I took from university—I’ve decided that I’d like to share here also!

It’s in the process, but I want to put a lot of care into it since JT Petty’s writing is incredibly interesting to me, while also dissecting the material from a brown, queer perspective and being someone who was born/raised in the US from a family of immigrants. (I’m not trying to push an “agenda”, but I think my background is a pretty good reflection of where my values lie lol). Another reason I’m putting a lot of care into this is because I understand that the franchise’s narratives and stories get into intensely heavy topics/themes, and it would pain me if I were to misinterpret and/or cast certain plots in such a way that is unfair, ignorant, harmful, and overall awful.

Because of this, I’d like to open up this post and my DMs to any constructive conversation surrounding these themes in the games/comics! I’ll be posting questions & argument points gradually so feel free to wait to discuss in the specifics in those.

A huge reason I’m doing this is because a lot of people who know me irl know I hyperfixate on this franchise, and I fear that their surface level interpretation of that would just be chalked up to me liking/endorsing f-ed up stuff (which I adamantly say is NOT the case—I think we all know that a dissection of horrors and traumatic events can be therapeutic and empowering). With the video essay, I want to explain that my hyperfixation is related to the nuanced themes in the narratives, especially regarding gender/queerness and social theory.

Plus it’s been a while since I’ve written something in an academic-style with citations, peer analysis, etc.! I forget how enriching it can be.

I’ll admit that I’m not a very opinionated person (and I think I tend to error on being critical of my own opinions). My ultimate goal here is to spread empathy and share a wide variety of perspectives from many backgrounds. Additionally, I respect JT Petty for being so daring to tackle heavy/“taboo” themes in film, cinema, etc. and I want to show my appreciation. I’m not necessarily endorsing anything—instead, I’d like to understand the stories as an art, understand it’s intentions, and inspect how it affects different communities.

Plus I think this video essay process will be fun! Idk, I hope this doesn’t come off as self-righteous or anything LOL—or maybe it does so please make fun of me, I need to be humbled.

Alrighty, thanks y’all. Hope you have a fantastic rest of your day/night!

[youre-gonna-see-a-lot-of-me]

my artblock takes a break and suddely i want to do every single creative thing i can

[aether-friskets]

Why I Headcanon Waylon Park as a Trans Guy?

it came to me in a dream.

ok but jokes aside (well not entirely it DID actually originate because of a dream i had getting interrupted by a nonexistent video essay on the topic... dreams are weird man), i do want to try talking about my reasoning for this (although it's totally legit to hc a character as trans purely because you want to!! thats totally based also lol), because maybe it'd be interesting to hear the lens through which i saw this game? idk lol but i'm doing it anyway... below the cut in case it gets long

Ok immediate prefaces, A: i doubt this was actually the intended at all and i'm not trying to say it's canon, just saying why i read it that way :3 and B: this will probably be a rambling mess and I apologize, I'll try to make it somewhat make sense.

I guess I'll start with: a whole major thing of Outlast, is fighting to tear down this large corporation, that is like. the embodiment of shitty systems that exploit people (this post by bry mentions that general topic, although more focused on miles' angle). It's worth noting because, to me at least, fighting these sorts of systems really aligns with a lot of queer folks (and basically any group that gets fucked over by the system, which is most of them loll). There's like, this whole thing of Waylon seemingly fitting that image of the ideal typical man, with the wife and kids and a job, but he has to risk all of that to do what he feels is the right thing.

(Oh yeah, I guess quick tangent on that note. Yes I know in canon we literally see his dick lmao and also we know he has kids, which you might think would deter my hc here. but A: i already said ik it's probably not canon, i can still read into it regardless. B: intersex ppl exist. C: phalloplasty and other similar procedures exist. D: ppl can have kids in non-traditional way. so im prob not gonna cover that element of it more)

My brain hasn't been able to help but interpret his whole journey in a queer way, because i played it as a teenager still in the throes of understanding my identity and place in the world, so in the end this might not even make sense to anyone else. But, I'm trying to explain, so I'll continue to regardless.

I kind of saw it as Waylon hiding in the protection of an "ideal" life. On the surface he looks like he's in that American ideal family, but it's a subversion. He's only one of them because they think he is. Because he doesn't step out of line. Unlike Miles, who's more outspoken about issues, who seemingly has no one around him. He's treated as part of this "ideal" world, while working in the background to try and stop the exploitation and immoral acts going on.

When he's caught, when he's seen as something more complicated than first imagined, he's cast out. Lumped in with the same people being exploited by Murkoff already. He isn't "human" to them anymore. He's something else. Something they don't like.

Although the violence brought upon him is by the variants, it is still in part Murkoff's doing, since they fucked these people up via these experiments to a point of heightened violence and just generally ruining their lives more than they already had been by whatever they had done prior. That being said, they are still responsible for their own actions.

the stuff with Eddie is definitely the part that most resonated with me through this lens. I remember first playing it, and he scared me the most, for a lot of reasons. One of which being what he represented. He's The Groom. He wants someone to be his Bride, and you're it, even if you don't want that. As someone who's aroace AND already knew at that point that i wasn't a girl, this guy felt like a human embodiment of the pressures to fit what was expected of you. That one day, you'll be married and have kids. If you don't, then you're worthless.

But it's interesting especially, because Waylon IS married. He has kids already. He has that family. The difference is, in this hypothetical trans lens, he's not "really" in a traditional family. He's "pretending", as some might see it, because he's not "really one of them". Being Eddie's Bride is the situation that would've been expected of him, but he said "fuck that", and did his own thing.

Plus, like, with Eddie in particular, you will NEVER be what he wants. He will try to make his perfect bride, but you'll never be it. Even before Mount Massive, no one was what he wanted, judging by all the people he killed. He's a broken man desiring something but never liking his options.

Also just fucking. these lines from eddie make me lose my mind.

That part of you the world sees, they think it's perfect. As God intended. Even these idiots and lunatics see it. There's something special about you. On the surface. But when they look deeper, when anybody with eyes to see looks at what you truly are. That's why they don't trust you. You're not what you're meant to be. Not yet. This place can see into your mind. And the things you've done. Oh, they're a sin, darling.

like HELLO??

I know it's probably just Eddie rambling but it felt like he reached through the screen and grabbed me by the throat like.

Anyway in actual relation to my point. uh. Remember the thing I said about Waylon being a "fake" typical family? This kind of relates to that. Like, on the surface, he seems like he's got this perfect typical American family, he's "as God intended" (which. bro. i swear that exact phrase has been used against trans people so many times). But if you look closer, you'll realize there's more to it than that. Also like, going from the "as God intended" line to the thing about the things he's done being a sin, like hmmm. Maybe I'm reading into that too much, considering we know Eddie wants to make you into his Bride, so of course he's gonna think stuff like that. But still. It's a bit interesting to me.

Plus, it's interesting how, despite having a wife and kids, he's still more... feminized, I guess, than any other characters in this game. Both in the game itself, and within the fandom. Like, not just Eddie literally calling him a woman and trying to make him his bride, but also stuff like a variant near the beginning calling him a "pretty flower" before threatening him, Andrew (one of the staff) licking his face at the beginning of the game... A lot of violence and sexual-ish acts that are often directed at women in media. Even Frank, who I don't have as much to say about here, has some weirdly sexual undertones to his whole cannibalism thing.

This isn't entirely related but one part of the game that still sticks with me but I don't see mentioned as much, is near the beginning. Those guys stabbing the dead staff member. One of them remarks that "there are no observers here" and "do you think you're different? Something special?", which I think helps cement the whole idea that he's treated the same as the rest of people being exploited by Murkoff now. There's no turning back to that "ideal" life you were hiding in before. Hell, that's definitely reinforced more at the end of the game, when you choose to publish your footage, knowing Murkoff will come after you for it, and probably ruin your life. Maybe there's more interesting things to glean from that, but i thought they were interesting lines nonetheless.

anyway, overall I know this is probably just the ramblings of a trans/generally queer person reading WAY too much into a character that I happened to resonate with when i played the game, but i thought maybe it would be interesting for others to understand what would lead me to this conclusion? Anyway, that's all i've got on the subject right now, so I hope it was at least a little interesting.

[turbotastictubular]

👹Introductory Post‼️

👋Hello this is my tumblr, as you can see. I figured since I'm interacting with the website outside of quietly liking posts, I should talk a bit about myself for the people checking out my work.

🎉Idk how to do these things, but I'm 20 years old and I have ADHD (Which u might be able to tell by the amount I post within a short amount of time LOL), and I enjoy creating art in my free time outside of college + work anyways! I also don't mind any pronouns people wish to use with me, as I like to keep my gender identity private online.

🏎️ I too, have gotten inspired by the very epic Turbo/King Candy analysis video essay, as it has reinvigorated a love for this film I didn't expect to have! The movie has always been kind of a comfort for me, and nowadays something nostalgic, too! So, I hope to express all the silliness and joy it brings me through my silly art + memes💣☠️❌⚡

💘 On that note, expect shippy stuff!! I primarily ship Turbo/Felix (80's boyfriends, Hammertastic) but I also love Felix/Calhoun (Heroes Cuties) and I think the polyam stuff between the 3 (Girlboss, gaslight, gamejump) is cute!!

💀I might lean into darker themes at times!! because horror and angst is my lifeblood

✨Besides WIR, I have a few fixations.. that being FNAF, Outlast (my most favorite series of media of all time), MLP, Steven Universe, Gravity Falls, Uncharted, The first TLOU game, and Resident Evil.

❤️I intend to keep my other interests to separate blogs since some of it has more adult themes + I like being organized. ❤️ (Speaking of which, my alt where I post more sexual jokes in nature/ reference generally more adult or nsfw topics. MINORS DNI! Obvs https://www.tumblr.com/turbotastictwist)

🙏For my blog I would like to state that I prefer it remains politics-free + drama-free.

🚫 I also want to say that if you sexualize minors, even if fictional, please DNI. If you're a TERF, racist, or homophobic please DNI (Obvs lol)

👾PS. Always feel free to leave comments, and send asks to talk about art + Wreck It Ralph!!! (Dms are cool too, but only if you're 18+! I feel uncomfortable talking to minors privately)

🐢 I also really enjoy reading the tags you guys leave on my posts when reblogging!!

✨That's about it! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my creations!✨👹 (Here's a link to my art tag so you can look at my stuff more conveniently! https://www.tumblr.com/turbotastictubular/tagged/my%20art

[nsingcat]

⋆˚࿔ wElcOme #about me!

⊹ BASIC INFO. hii i'm NYMPHIA or PHIA! i'm vietnamese, 15, and a pisces. i use she/he pronouns and my mbti is enfj ! i am THE biggest lewis hamilton & alex albon fanatic, THE biggest valentino rossi fanatic, AND THE biggest le sserafim & bts fan !! (jokes ofc). 

⊹ MY FAVORITE THINGS. formula 1, moto gp & k-pop. pinterest. musicals. funky nails. frutiger aero/metro. film + music essays. goth music (i am a goth rawr). fashion. mangas. video games (outlast, life is strange, fatal frame, silent hill, fnaf, persona, kirby, etc!). smiling friends, graphic design. music. the winter. rupaul's drag race. sunsets. polaroid. laufey. ribbons. bows. dark coquette. messy layouts. halloween. my cat juno !

⊹ B4 YOU FOLLOW.  i am a minor, (15 specifically!) please DON'T be weird. english also isn't my first language, so any spelling mistakes.. sorry :c!. i mainly write for f1 & yap about my other interests but i don't mind writing for k-pop, moto gp & jude. i am a slow updater so erm.. sorry! 

© nsingcat, 2024.

[clementine-side-blog]

Joby Taylor SFW Headcanons

Summary: My personal SFW headcanons for Joby Taylor.

(Read Below For Headcanons)

Personality:

Right off the bat, he's a bit arrogant. He's not selfish or anything, but he thinks highly of himself.

He's a high school dropout who got his GED. You'd think that this means he doesn't like school, but it's the opposite. He often thinks about going to college. He was just young and dumb, and regrets his decision.

When he was in high school, he was actually a pretty good student. He just struggled in his English classes. He HATES any type of writing that isn't song writing. Essays are his worst enemy.

Once he gets to know you, he's a very nice man. He's always a little arrogant, but he's pretty selfless. He'll give you the shirt off his back, no questions asked.

Even though it doesn't seem like it, he has NEVER gotten in trouble with the law. He may be a "rockstar bad boy" but he'd never break the law. Or at least, he's never been caught...

His humor is the same as a 12 year old boy.

When he crushes on someone, he is too arrogant to admit it. He'll do the classic thing where he acts like he hates them instead of loving them.

In a relationship, it's the complete opposite. He's such a simp. Bro is literally a doormat. He'll bend over backwards to make you happy. Just don't make him look like a simp in front of his band/fans.

He's a romantic at heart. He'll write poems for you a lot.

Hobbies:

Obviously, music is number one. He loves creating/writing/listening to music. Even though his band is a metal band, he loves other genres as well. He basically listens to everything.

He's a huge horror fan. He has a collection of horror movies. Like we're talking hundreds.

He also collects music memorabilia. One of his proudest possessions is a signed guitar from Mick Jagger (of The Rolling Stones). He has it mounted on a wall in the bedroom of his apartment.

Video games is another thing he loves in his free time. He likes horror games, as he's a horror buff. Examples include: Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Outlast, and Amnesia.

He tries to practice writing short stories in his free time as well. No surprise, they're usually horror stories.

Random:

One of his favorite types of food is sushi. He can fuck up a sushi bar.

If you get him drunk enough, he'll do karaoke.

His favorite season is winter because of how quiet and peaceful everything is. He also LOVES snow. But he doesn't like to be out in it too long. He gets cold quickly.

He loves to go to those interactive movies. Like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The ones where people dress up like characters and dance to the musical numbers. One time he went dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter...

He's straight, but Ace Frehley from the 80s had him questioning for a longggg time. In fact, if he had a chance to sleep with Ace back in the 80's, he would have 100% done it. No hesitation.

Ok, so he might be bi...

He has both ears pierced and his right eyebrow.

COVERED in tattoos. Lots of them are about horror movies/metal bands.

His favorite color is purple.

Cried while watching Toy Story 3 and will NEVER admit it.

[grimvestige]

💕if you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!

YEAAA ASK GAME!!! I'm so glad tumblr's April fools boops have hopefully reignited tumblr's ask culture n such~

I'm a creature of habit and routines!! I like to get up and do similar stuff on a familiar schedule, though the tasks vary from day to day of course

I make really good omlettes. Here's a pic.

Despite loving horror and everything surrounding it, I'm too much of a coward to play games that are "scary" (Silent Hill, Outlast, Amnesia), but I can play games that are just "spooky" (Bloodborne mostly). Most of the horror I engage with is via video essays, movies, or comics ^^

OFF TO ASK PEOPLE IN MY NOTIFS~ I'm probably going to be shy and use anon if I can xD

[autisticempathydaemon]

matchup incoming <3 ->

What song are you fixated on at the moment:

NYE by joseph! second verse in particular ^^

Enneagram:

im a 2!!

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

yes!!!! i love deep dive videos on internet culture from early 2000s. i also really like film analysis videos

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

i liked chronicles of narnia a lot when i was little and i definitely played with imaginary aslan and lots of other talking animals

What is your go-to way to fall asleep:

smushed into just so many pillows and blankets that are good for holding with music/podcast/asmr playing and my cat snuggled up with me

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why:

if i were to change my name i’d probably pick a family name since my name now doesn’t have any connections to anyone else. birdie was a family name that i think is rlly cute :3

favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why:

currently i think the david camping audio is my favorite. very soft and quiet and calm.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why:

probably marcus. while i do think he is an interesting and well written character, i don’t see the appeal the way i do for some of the other more morally grey boys.

that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

peter pan!!!

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to:

asher is so bestie vibes to me i need to carry him around in my pocket at all times. i care him so much <3

go-to thing you ramble about:

i’m kind of a known rambler if given the opportunity so i’ll start going on about anatomy, work gossip, film theories, the games i play, anything really if someone offers to listen ^^

favorite playlist:

my favorite playlist has all my fav 50s and 60s music bc i am a hopeless romantic. big band songs to slow dance in the kitchen to type of theme going on.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are:

i think im pretty hardworking and i spend a lot of time taking care of other people (probably a good time to mention the extreme eldest daughter syndrome).

in my free time i love baking and cooking. i can play a tiny bit of guitar and piano but most of my musical talent lies in singing.

that’s all i can think of :0

It’s the little things with this entry. All the little, small, sweet things that make a life together, that you have in common, that make me think you’d be a really lovely fit for Camelopardalis.

Like, I can see Cam being a huge fan of the Chronicles of Narnia? (I think he loves all the classics, like the Lord of the Rings, and Tolkien and Lewis were contemporaries, so that works together.) He’d love smooth, crooning classic 50’s music; Cam plays it in a record player but not in a hipster way, in a “this is technically an antique” way. He’d love the leisurely, methodical routine of cooking.

Most of all, he’d love you. Twos are often categorized by a caring, giving nature and a desire to love and be loved. (Geordi, for example, would be a Two.) I think Cam is a good match for that, as he strikes me as the type of partner who’d be very open, communicative, and giving with his affection and in receiving it.

Song:

A heart that's true and longs for you/ Is all I have to give/ All my love belongs to you/ As long as I may live

Camelopardalis seems, to me, as the kind of man-shaped being who doesn’t fall first but falls extremely hard when he finally does. You would be a once in a very long lifetime kind of event for him, and his love would outlast you, the sun, every star in the sky.

Runner-Ups:

I also like Gavin for a Type Two. There’s something about the way he talks about his feelings that’s so effusive and raw that appeals to me for someone with the basic wants and fears of that Enneagram. Ollie, I’d pair with you because of the way his hardworking nature would complement yours. Ollie is dedicated but balanced, and I think he’d make sure you don’t overwork yourself.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

Note: thank you for your patience! I really appreciate you waiting 💙

[slimywren]

watching a video essay and the guy is criticizing the sub genre of survival horror where you cant fight back and saying its over done

but the examples he uses to prove his point are outlast and amnesia………….

[you-can-be-what-you-want-to-be]

{{ Fun ask meme you made: Everything with a 4 in it! (4, 14, 24, 34, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45.)

oh that’s a very fun way to do it! I already did 40 but I’ll give you the rest. Thank you for giving me so many!

4: if you had to loose one of your senses or physical abilities, which one and why?

im a chatter box but I’d loose the ability to speak. It’s kind of selfish but speaking is one of the only abilities that’s primarily for everyone else’s experience of the world. I mean you can’t talk and share ideas as easy and some of the puns and stuff you do get limited but you still get sunsets and art museums and books and musicals and cat purrs and all that. I still get things, I just can’t give anymore.

14: preferred form of travel i know tumblr doesn’t like them but car for SURE. Used to have ten hours in it every weekend visiting my dad and like. You can sing. You can have arguments with yourself and imagined people. Go noom. Pretty sights. And I’ve had the best conversations I’ve ever had in the car, because what else are you going to do? If there are two people in a confined space and one of them can’t look at anything you can only talk and I love that it’s a wonderful feeling. And falling asleep in the back of a car while people you care about talk in the front? Being able to leave home at any time? Getting sonic at 11pm? Ough it’s so good. I get home and spend an hour in a non moving car love being in a car I am no better than a dog.

24: what is a food or experience you miss from being a child? This does not mean things like paying bills, and is more about the time period you are from.

1 burning cds

2 a lack of cool people on tv. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Napoleon Dynamite but yeah things like that. Like there is no one cool in invader zim.

3 toxic waste (candy.) I haven’t seen one in ages

4 PEANUT BUTTER TWIX.

34: name a way someone has helped you before

car got stuck on this pile gravel. It had been snowing, next to a busy highway, thirty minutes by car away from any town, and it jammed up all the way up like into the entire bottom, not just the tires. Spent like an hour by hand trying to dig the stuff out with bare hands. Some guy with a truck hooked me up and pulled my car off. I’ll never forget it

41: what’s a hobby you want to get into? Disregard whatever skills money or tools you would need, listen to your heart

I want to learn how to make music and video essays. Both of those cost money and your own private area (instrument, mic, and a place you don’t disturb people with sound). Also animation I’m a very bad artist and don’t get technology so it’s a pretty hard no but I’d love to do it someday

42: what’s an experience you’ve wanted to do or have for awhile but not been able to justify to yourself?

I want to see hadestown on broadway. Or anything on broadway really but hadestown is the dream personally

43: a part of yourself you are fond of?

I like that soft spot between your lower ribs and thumb nails

44: favorite supernatural being

I’ve always been fond of ghost, because they’re the only one just about that gets to be sad or helpful instead of just scary. The idea that you felt something so strong it outlasted your body…. Yeah that’s what emotions feel like. That’s why you can be haunted by things that aren’t there, like war or an old friendship. It’s just emotions out of place that followed you.

Sad ghosts, lost ghost stuck in a loop, ghosts that save people from similar situations as their own, ghosts that come back to love their loved ones, ghosts who taunt the person who killed them and haunt them in the literal and metaphorical sense. Idk man. Just ghosts. They’re so important to me.

45: favorite fantasy being

Fae but only the fucked up kind who like find people fascinating but mostly as entertainment and make them dance till their feet fall off or see how long it takes them to loose a deal. Idk they’re just fun.

thank you so much this was mega fun to talk about

[brybryby]

VERY LONG POST IM SORRY. DONT FEEL OBLIGED TO READ

HI. Alrighty, this has been on my mind for a while (ever since promotional content for Trials started being released).

I have a TON of analyses in the drafts, but I want to make this post before I release them for public viewing.

I know that I like to make goofy, light-hearted little fan animations and fan art of Outlast, but I think I need to start changing how I navigate through the content. After spending so much of my time deep diving and writing up these analyses, my eyes have been opened to just how much the franchise revolves around fucked up historical events. I feel that some of the stuff I've posted is tone deaf, or at least the way I posted about it is. And I think—for the most part—there's an understanding that I don't intend to be harmful, but I fear that the way I go about it **is**. (And obviously, action takes precedence over intent.)

For contextualization, when I initially got into Outlast at the age of 12, I was enthralled by the horror aesthetics and found a lot of the angsty gore to be cathartic. I felt so “taboo” and “scandalous” lol (especially as a developing child trying to understand myself amidst my puberty stage). I was young and—for lack of a better word—braindead in how I navigated the media. I was naive, mindless, ignorant, etc etc… Now that I have a deeper understanding of the narratives and historical implications/influences, I need to do better in how I interact with the franchise.

What am I getting at?

Pretty much, I'm working on being more careful with how I interact with the media. At the same time, I want the analyses that I post to be educational. And most importantly, please message me if I ever say some bullshit. Seriously. All I ever want to do with my life is to be a positive impact. I genuinely get upset if I cause harm to someone else. (One time I literally cried at a high school football game as a freshman because I thought I hurt someone else's feelings. It turned out they were faking it lmao. Then they started feeling bad and then that made me feel bad for crying and yea yea).

Seriously though. I know that my posts can get public outreach, and anything that has public outreach can be influential and have a good or bad impact. So please let me know if I do or say anything harmful or ignorant. I won't be offended. I don’t want to spread harmful stuff. There are many instances in my life where people sit me down to have meaningful conversations about shit I've said or done and how I can improve myself.

That said, I'll be posting more analyses and making my own syntheses of historical events. My next analysis post will be about Waylon's Asian-coding (specifically Korean-coding), how Trials actually supports this (using themes of US immigration), and why it is apparent to many Asian fans (including me, hehe).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's pretty much it. But if you wanna stick around a bit further, I'll tell you my (excruciatingly long) story about how I got into Outlast :) along with how much it has invaded my brain and life :') and maybe get a little ~personal~ hehe

STORYTIME:

So, the game came out in 2013. Nearly 10 years ago. I was 12 at the time of its release. Let me tell you…this game was a HUGE impact in the horror community. HOLY. SHIT. It changed the way I looked at lockers and beds. I remember it being critically acclaimed (and rightfully so). It may have not been the most technical video game, but it certainly was a piece of art.

I remember commercials being shown everywhere. The trailer of beta Miles Upshur running and parkouring through Mount Massive while being chased by the tiny beta model of Chris Walker will forever be canonized as part my childhood. I remember specifically heading to the bathroom from my living room and my dad interrupting me to say “Hey! Check this out!” and then proceeding to play the trailer for my 12-year-old eyes. I was scared shitless.

Couple weeks later, Conan O'Brien featured Outlast in one of his segments of “Clueless Gamer” (yeah, my family and I used to watch Conan lol). I was very familiar with Slender and Amnesia, which were the 2 other games featured in this Halloween special, but this was the first time I REALLY got to check out Outlast.

Now, let me preface that during this time, internet culture was very interesting and even less safe than it is today. I had a ton of bad experiences on the internet during my childhood. But oddly (and embarrassingly), the emo/scene/horror/creepypasta culture was what brought me comfort amongst a sea of awful things you could find on the internet. It was probably unhealthy for my developing brain, but I indulged in a lot of angst that was presented with heavy gore and violence. And to be honest, looking at this kind of stuff at a young age helped me process a lot of my own personal shit that I experienced outside of the internet realm. (To be clear, I don't endorse this type of violence, and I don't endorse exploring the internet in the same way I did as a child—it was probably very unhealthy and I think it caused some early development issues.)

But nothing—and I mean NOTHING—scratched that itch more than the way Outlast did. I watched the finger cutting scene in Conan's “Clueless Gamer” and was fucking mortified. I was scared of the dark for weeks. But I remember spending that night in my bedroom looking at more Outlast content to get that cathartic fix to fill my emotional hole of…I don't know…morbid curiosity? I definitely felt shame at the time. I don't know. In recent years, I've been on this journey to process stuff I experienced during my childhood and I struggle to go about my middle-school/junior-high stage because…I don't know…puberty? Access to the internet? I once got bullied by a forum of adult men for posting fan art LMAO. I was 12 years old—I forgot what the fan art even was. ANYWAYS, yea. That was only one instance of my conglomeration of internet experiences. (Like many other peeps, I had to hide my gender & racial identity to preserve my sanity). Indulging in gore art was therapeutic and helped me release negative emotions in a non-harmful way. Horror-genre communities online have been mostly friendly and welcoming towards me. That's probably why I fell in love with Outlast as an art rather than a video game.

I wasn't in the fandom straight off the bat. I had other hyper fixations at times but I navigated through these other fixations with this personal “Outlast standard” where the art and fiction I consumed needed to be horror-themed, gorey, or angsty. And Outlast isn't solely to blame. I was into gore and angst before the game came out. It just so happened that it came out at such a perfect time in my life. (Horror made my queer self feel accepted)

This whole “Outlast standard” stuck with me throughout high school. Uh… this next bit of information may get a little personal. During my sophomore year, someone really important in my life passed away. Then I had this life-impacting thing happen during my junior year that changed how I perceived things forever (lol, this sounds so dramatic). I turned to art to help me process and yada yada… but y'know what really helped? You know what I turned to when I needed to “scratch the itch”? (I bet you'll never guess)

I finally considered myself a part of the Outlast fandom in 2018-2019. I was a high school junior/senior and I posted the Outlast-Outkast animation that got retweeted by Red Barrels. Had a lot of fun in the fandom during that time and it helped get my mind off of things. Also, I loved the fact that Waylon graduated from Berkeley. I was applying to colleges during this time and it made me romanticize Berkeley, lol. I ended up getting accepted. Had an awesome time. I recently graduated and got my Bachelor's. I'm very privileged and gracious for my experience. I spent a lot of grueling time and energy dedicated towards my education.

During my college years, a lot of the unprocessed shit from my childhood started resurfacing and it was becoming hard to navigate through life. I became really disconnected with people who were close to me. Art started to fall out of my life. Stuff happened. Got in touch with psychiatrists thanks to my college's free health services. I don't mean to downplay or normalize what happened, but I'll bring up that many college students deal with mental illness and depression (and this could be attributed to many things: moving away from family, student-life, financial pressure, pressure to secure jobs/internships, living alone for the first time, maturing into an adult, etc. etc.).

But I remember sitting alone in my studio apartment one weekend and started surfing Tumblr. I came across new Outlast fan art and it sparked my hyper fixation all over again. I re-read the comics and—OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND FUCKING RIDICULOUS—but I started jogging because Miles went on jogs LMAOOAKJDGHJAHKGFL. I finally picked up the pencil and started drawing again (after like…months) and drew Miles and Waylon flipping off Murkoff. And THAT was when I realized what the narratives of Outlast were actually about—FUCKIN' CAPITALISM AAUGGGHHH. MY LITTLE POOPOO BRAIN AT AGE 12 NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. AND NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT—NOW THAT I CAN BLATANTLY SEE MYSELF AND MY PEERS AS VICTIMS/PRODUCTS OF CAPITALISM—CAN FINALLY FIND SO MUCH VALUE AND MEANING IN THIS GAME HHHRHRJGHKSDKFGLAJKDG SAY W H A T IM GONNA *explodes*

Then a year later, I started drawing more and more again. Trials' promotional marketing was becoming more prominent. I started posting my fan art on Tumblr. Then I made the fanimation (thank you Mr. Baichoo, you're so awesome, I will forever be a fan of yours) and now here I am. Still fixated on this silly little game for nearly 10 years. WHEW.

I FEEL LIKE A SHRIMP CHIP. Anyways, thanks. I much needed to get this off my chest.

Also, hey! Just wanted to say thanks for the friendly and welcoming interactions in this space. It feels so much safer and more comforting than previous internet experiences I've had. Since 2013, the fandom has evolved a lot. In my opinion, it has evolved for the better. The resurgence of new fans bring such refreshing perspectives and fields of knowledge that haven't been influenced by some of the harmful internet culture that I grew up in. So truly, many thanks to y'all for making the fandom space a nicer place (especially for such a heavy game). Also, what the heck, everyone in the fandom is seriously so talented and artistic

Uh… fan art time? (old stuff/sketches I haven’t posted)

But seriously if you got this far, thank you

[ap0stle]

when i finish outlast trials and eat it with my brain i Will eventually do a video essay on Everything So Far

ive been dreaming of it....and by the time it takes my voice will probably be even deeper lmao

[takebadger]

Me: already has a deep seated fear of mental health institutions/asylums

Me: watches a playthrough and video essays about horror media set in asylums (cough, outlast, cough)

Me: “why tf did I do that” is unable to sleep at night

[vide0n4sty]

i wrote an eight thousand word essay about how gay outlast: whistleblower is and then i spent a month making a video essay for it. plz watch n share thx xo

[malice-and-macarons]

I feel like this was a mistake but by god I had to get it off my chest. Here we talk about Eddies Gluskin, Outlast, fandom, fan fiction, drama and just everything else I could think to say about good ol' Gluskin here.

[falklore]

If you play video games interract please