#obv i’m not gonna gate keep

[depressedhatakekakashi]

The sign of a true Gai fan is hatred of the eight gates

[collegeoflore]

OC meme!

tagged by @aliasknives!! thank you love :3

tagging @menzoberranzans @elminsters @tadpole-apocalypse @undead-potatoes and anyone else who wants to do it :3c

B A S I C S

Full name: xarrai. just xarrai lol. they’ve never once used their last name and so that gave me an excuse to never make one up for them :)

Gender: sure. whatever. (transfem flavor)

Sexuality: bi/pan/who cares

Pronouns: any

O T H E R

Family: they don’t remember if they ever met their father or not, and while their mother and at least two half siblings live in neverwinter, they don’t speak at all

Birthplace: the outer city, somewhere between wyrm’s crossing and the basilisk gate

Job: bard, courtesan, information broker, pickpocket, con artist, professional drunkard, etc etc etc. post-game, they add adventurer and (reluctantly) bard college instructor. (jury is still out on if the xarrastarion harper ending is canon in which case they add harper to the list even more reluctantly LOL)

Phobias: loss of autonomy, The Church Of Bane As A Whole lol

Guilty pleasures: if you asked, xarrai would tell you they’re a true hedonist and would never feel guilty for any pleasure. but if you dig deep enough into the trunk they had stashed at the elfsong you will find a collection of some of the worst romance novels in faerun buried under fancy dresses and thigh high boots that they would VEHEMENTLY deny is theirs. they don’t Like these books but they are obsessed with them the way people hate watch reality television LMAO

Hobbies: reading, leather working, writing (mostly music or poetry), stick n poke tattoos, drunkenly making out with strangers at the blushing mermaid, petty theft. obvs they sing and play their lyre but that’s part of their day job so i’m not sure if it counts under hobbies? lmao

M O R A L S

Alignment: chaotic neutral, leaning a littleeee chaotic good by the end of act 3. a little.

Sins: most of them if we’re being fully honest. lmao

Virtues: self-control, vigilance, freedom (is that a virtue? whatever.)

T H I S O R T H A T

Introvert / Extrovert

Organized / Disorganized

Close-minded / Open-minded

Calm / Anxious / Restless

Disagreeable / Agreeable / In between

Cautious / Reckless / In between

Patient / Impatient / In between

Outspoken / Reserved / In between

Leader / Follower / Flexible

Empathetic / Unempathetic / In between

Optimist / Pessimist / Realist

Traditional / Modern / In between

Hard-working / Lazy

this section was such a challenge for xar they r very much an Everything All At Once guy lol. take these answers with a grain of salt ig

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

OTP: astarion, unfortunately for everyone involved

Acceptable Ships: gale (but it never really works out for them,) technically they romance halsin in game as well but it’s not really romantic. tbh u could make an argument for them with most of the companions and it wouldn’t be That outlandish

OT3: i mean like astarion/xarrai/halsin is vaguely canon but they’re never Serious with halsin, though perhaps they get a little more romantically involved with him post-game? realistically i think xar just keeps a rotating cast of other partners coming in and out of their life until the end of time and i rly dont see astarion ever having an issue with it. they would get bored without hearts to break tbh. its enrichment.

Brotp: karlachhhh forever and ever. after she dies, they’re probably closest with gale (sorry gale lol)

Notp: it’s not technically a notp but i am obsessed with how badly xarrai wants jaheira and how she turns them down every time. ur never gonna get that milf honey but u can keep trying

[gggoldfinch]

for the asks: 🌈 🦋 🎀 :) ♡

fic writer asks!!!

🌈 Is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

I tend to have trouble keeping the energy going after a certain point in the plot. For example, in Cemetery Gates, now that Reader and Copia are officially together, it’s hard to maintain the same vibe a slow burn has, because obv it’s not a slow burn anymore. I love writing the build-up to relationships— writing the relationship itself is hard. I’m working my ass off now to continue making Cemetery Gates an enjoyable read. Needless to say going forward there’s gonna be more plot stuff …

Also I admittedly have a lot of trouble maintaining energy for myself to actually work on the fics. Which is why I generally go in shifts, not working on certain things for months/years while I work up the creative and hyperfixated energy to continue working on it again. For example, I’m currently leaving my Twilight fic Hunter’s Moon in the dust rn… I sorta regret having posted it bc I’m so disinclined to continue at the moment and I know that’s disappointing a lot of readers.

🦋 What are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

Mostly I’m insecure whether or not my writing is good enough. I have a complex around perfection and I regularly trawl thru my past works for typos and grammatical errors. It’s so humiliating when I do find them, even tho I know probably no one cares as much as I do. I’ve been making extra sure to edit before posting now.

🎀 Give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I think I’m really good at imagery and setting; that’s always been one of my strong suits, more than character or dialogue. I love describing scenes and using fanciful adjectives, it’s so fun and makes me feel like I’m really there.

[pianostarinwonderland]

Chapter 6 Thoughts

Finally finished chapter 6 after a busy weekend 😩 I'm planning to make a more well-thought out post regarding certain aspects of ch6 later, but for now, I want to list down everything I love about this update and probably the whole chapter overall. It also serves to answer a few asks in my inbox all at once HAHAHAHA This post is gonna be very messy, just to let you know, but I’ll write something more comprehensive eventually. 

EN players and JP players who have yet to pass the time gates, I advise you to scroll past this post or read at your own discretion. This contains spoilers for Chapter 6 and alludes to other events not released in the EN version.

Firstly, about the gameplay, I may be in the minority for saying this, but I really like that they limit your cards and leave you without a support for 6-66 and 67. Main story was always easy on the battles, so learning about buddies, stats, etc about the different cards was always seen as a tests/exams thing with the only rewards there being madol/thaumarks and exam coins, so most people didn’t super care about it. As someone who really levels up the cards to get higher scores in the tests, it was really gratifying to see all that hard work finally paying off in main story. Lowkey gave me a power trip on everyone else struggling to bypass the battles 😂 

Ngl at first, I thought we were supposed to clear all the points 😭 so I didn’t care about getting the right box until I clicked a box that cleared the chapter before I cleared the other points. I wish I didn’t know about it because it definitely made clicking on boxes less irritating hfhjhjsghkhjkgsdg

I absolutely love how we get to see character development of the OB boys?? It's something that I was really hoping for in ch6 since the boys are taken to an unfamiliar place.

Regarding that, I do like how NRC boys could just . talk about other things while in dangerous situations HAHAHA it was like this too in Halloween 2 😭 when there's nothing happening, they somehow get into conversations, like,, how LMAO most media would have their characters talk something about the situation or remain quiet. But these boys are really chatty and talk like the world is not about to get reseted or something

Starting with Pomefiore, the revelation about Rook being from Savanaclaw originally was a bomb I didn't expect but wasn't surprised about. I think it was more common to hear about it in 2020, but a lot of people were curious about Rook and Leona's relationship with each other. They mainly noted that Rook pursues Leona and the latter expresses much disdain for him. Then there was also the fact that Rook and Leona (and Ruggie) hailed from the same country. While country doesn't necessarily determine what dorm you'll be sorted in (see: all Shaftlands/Pyroxene boys in three different dorms), it did make people curious back then. So I do like that TWST (unintentionally) answered those speculations

AND LONG HAIRED FIRST YEAR ROOK IS ACTUALLY CANON,,, all long haired Rook artists and lovers rejoice for your headcanons and wishes are now canon. Now we wait for Lilia /hj

I do like though that Rook in his first year was kinda meh about his own appearance mostly because I was the same when I was around 15-16. Like, why do I have to care about the clothes I wear as long as I'm comfy in them? 🤡 Maybe the shirt looks kiddy but I mean, it shouldn't matter so much 😭 But it really is worth beautifying your wardrobe and learning to value your own beauty just as much as you value others. It makes me happy to see a bit of myself in Rook.

Vil seems a lot more expressive now than he was in chapter 5 🥺 I think it might be because he has to keep up the image of being a leader figure in VDC, but he feels much more approachable with how he doesn't seem to care as much about looking professional.

There was one part where Vil and Rook would tell Epel to stand back, and obvs Epel at first took this as “are you saying I’m weak?” But then Vil and Rook said it’s because they trust him to have their backs, and it’s like 😭 FUCK THAT’S SO CUTE,,,, THE WAY THAT THIS SHOWS EPEL’S GROWTH BECAUSE NOW HE CAN BE RELIED ON BY HIS SENIORS........ I think this is also a cute allusion to Dorm Vil’s and Dorm Rook’s buddies, specifically the fact that they both have Epel as a buddy— Dorm Vil has Epel giving him an ATK M boost, while Dorm Rook has Epel giving him a HP M boost. Notice how it’s an M (medium) boost and not an S (small) boost 😭 they really can trust Epel by that much,,,

Now for Leona and Jamil, hooooo boy, I really like this one and do wish to discuss this in depth in another post because Leona essentially humbled Jamil brutally. Jamil was trying to protect Leona because he’s a prince and all, but at some point, he got pissed off at Jamil for getting in the way. I love how Leona pretty much compared Jamil to Riddle and Azul, saying that the latter two are in a much different league than Jamil. Riddle has book smarts and amazing magical power, not to mention a killer UM, and Azul is quick on his feet and works really hard to get to where he is now, but Jamil just goes "if only I could use my full potential" while blaming others for his setbacks. He even points out that Kalim has something that Jamil doesn’t, which is money (much to Jamil’s surprise). Sure, he isn’t the smartest, but he’s generous, and he’s going to inherit a very successful business

Then he points out that Ruggie and Jack know when to listen to him to survive. Ruggie obvs follows Leona because it’s his best chance at surviving in NRC, and Jack, while strong, is young so he knows when to listen to older people such as Leona

I just like that the overall lesson he’s telling Jamil is that he isn’t the strongest person, and he needs to know when he isn’t the strongest, and he shouldn’t blame others for his setbacks. It’s essential for Jamil’s growth, but it also shows Leona’s own growth, considering that what Lilia said to Leona back in ch2 that triggered his overblot was also along the lines of Leona being slothful but blaming others for everything wrong that happens.

While it gets annoying to get the wrong box in 6-66 (and 6-67), I found the boxes where Leona just opens all of a sudden and Jamil going “what the FUCK are you DOING LEONA” really really funny like 😂

Now hoooo boy I LOVE AZUL AND RIDDLE'S INTERACTIONS SO MUCH;;;;;; I'm biased because I tunnel vision for Azul and Riddle is top 2 for me, but the way that both of them were written in this chapter is so chef’s kisses

I really like the way Riddle was written. He still has that sort of “I’m right, so you need to follow me” mindset and I like that because it shows that while he is making the effort to change, his personality at his core is solid enough that it’s not going to change that much. While his lacking knowledge regarding social cues is already a bit obvious when inferring from his upbringing, it’s really emphasized in 6-66, particularly when Azul was angry about being told to ‘stand back’ and said something like “hey I know someone like me who shifts from 2nd to 10th place in rankings can’t be seen as a rival b u t” and he wanted to be seen as equals but Riddle took that literally,, , and then he’s like “oh so you’re trying to compete with me?!” 

Eventually he clarified in 6-67 as to why he doesn’t want Azul to get hurt which,,, IS HONESTLY SO CUTE ?? ?/ LIKE ,, SURE IT’S BECAUSE HE’D END UP PROBABLY BREAKING THE LAW TO GIVE TREATMENT TO AZUL BUT HE STILL CARES 😭 not to mention that Riddle even pointed out that he WOULD break the law to help Azul, like it was out of the question that he’d leave him behind to go ahead, he WOULD make sure Azul is ok 😭 besties it hurts because AzuRido was one of my first Twst ships and it’s still a cute ship till now. But this also really shows that Riddle still needs to learn a lot about social cues + proper communication xD he didn’t think that it could be taken the wrong way

THE PART WHERE AZUL GOT ANGRY AT RIDDLE ,,, bitch that hurt a lot. Like, Riddle going “if you didn’t waste time on Mostro Lounge, helping out other students, etc, you’d have a chance at first”, bestie Riddle I love you but what the fuck? I kinda felt the sting because at the time I was reading that, I was mulling over how I hadn’t been trying hard enough in the things that I do or want to pursue so I end up being the kind of person that I’m not content with. But it also just,, really fucking hurts to be told that your passion is a waste of time, and we all know how much Azul works so hard in everything he does 😭 his insecurities coming out when he got angry really tugged me badly. It was 2am when I read that part and I wanted to cry lmao 

WHEN HE LAUGHED THOUGH . when he laughed .. oaoghuooHOHOFAHOHSGOSAOHAOGHOASH WHEN HE LAUGHED AND SOUNDED SO MIRTHFUL AND AND AND AND  .   .... passes the fuck away

I do love the lore dump about Ariel and transformation potions! Ariel went to the Sunshine Lands, so she set up the mermaid boot camp facility there. Transformation potions also now last from a week to 10 days, and the mermaid boot camp facility provides them,,, for free, ,, , , like shit dude, that’s a big ass steal. 

GOD WHEN AZUL MIMICKED FLOYD’S VOICE THOUGH ,,,, , the fucking DROLL???? God I’m not your strongest soldier I am down on the ground 

Azul started magic at 8 yrs old 👁 Riddle started his studies at 3,,, , yummy yummy yummy 

AND WHEN AZUL FELL ASLEEP ON RIDDLE’S SHOULDER;;;; LIKE BYE I ALWAYS IDNULGED MYSELF WITH THE IDEA OF AZUL SLEEPING ON MY SHOULDER OUT OF EXHAUSTION but fuck,, they made Azul sleeping on someone’s shoulder canon, not caring about who it is,,,,,, God send help 

idk man, this whole part really just made Azul feel more relatable. Ch3 and even ch4 to an extent, he was mostly scheming and smarmy and smirky and that’s hot shit sure but HIM BEING SO,,, LIKE, GETTING ANGRY OVER A REMARK THAT MADE YOU FEEL INSECURE, LAUGHING GENUINELY, SLEEPING ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER...... besties I feasted so much this chapter, I am so fucking FULL 

I actually really like Idia’s OB design!! He seems to have designed it himself given that he’s willingly doing it, which is really interesting to learn 👁 some people were saying that they don’t like it because he doesn’t look like Hades but .. none of the OBs were meant to look like their villain counterparts?? nKSNKDGKSNG and not to mention that Idia’s face resembled Hades a lot. If we’re talking about outfits, though, again, OB designs would more likely shape themselves according to the person overblotting rather than think about the villain inspiration. If anything, Ortho’s the one wearing Hades’ toga. 

I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS,,,, IDIA’S UM CHANT IS THE BEST ONE SO FAR ??? “Game, set, match, Gate to Underworld” that is so sexy like ??? the alliteration of game and gate, and there was this musicality to those words, like you’re saying a poem out loud. It sounds so badass too. Like a final boss line (which knowing Idia, he’d definitely do that)

Shoutout to Riddle and Azul for being the funniest duo on earth: “You drive this chariot, I don’t have a license” “BITCH I DON’T HAVE A LICENSE EITHER ????” “I should have enrolled into driving school if I knew this was gonna happen” “IS THIS THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOW ??????”

Also “wtf why are you taking the risky option??” “well you know this is the best option anyway” “ok yeah you’re right, if anything happens to us, our seniors are there anyway 🥰”

Anyway I still can’t believe Azul actually drove a chariot (and successfully too)

It was a good thing too that he was driving because Riddle fainted from using all his power and being exposed briefly to the underworld 😔 it’s so funny of Azul to just think “ok this guy’s gonna use all his power, so I’m just gonna hold back a bit because it’s gonna be enough <3″ and it turned out to be a really good decision or we’d be finding two old people 

Riddle with white hair was really cute. It reminded me of the white rabbit, and with how he nearly fell into the underworld (kinda like falling into a hole), the allusion seems stronger. I also saw some tweets on Twitter suggesting that it could symbolize Riddle starting out with a blank slate to become his own person and not just someone following his mom, which is pretty interesting 👁👄👁 kinda matches well with the white rabbit idea since it’s “falling to wonderland” or “heading to an unknown place”

I find it funny how Leona and Jamil just . took the time to analyze why Azul was able to not faint/fall to the underworld from fighting Ortho. but hey it worked for them, they didn’t put too much power into it and they came out well 

I love how Vil was just like “I need Idia to come out alive so that he can close this damn gate and fix everything” and then said that he Will make Idia do all of that NRC style, aka “the weak must obey the strong” 

VIL FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO THAT HE WANTED TO BE 😭 GO QUEEN, SLAYYYYYY. You may not have been casted as a hero in a movie, but you saved the world in real time, and I think that’s even better 

I really just like how even in OB, Idia was still talking about the idea of who’s hero and who’s villain while Vil was just like “we’re just classmates fighting and for the record, I’M standing till the end” 

When Vil jumped to pull Idia, Ortho, and Grim out of the underworld, idk, something about that just made me go 👁👄👁 there’s something mesmerizing about someone catching someone else as they fall from a very tall height. Even if it’s to make sure Idia’s alive to close the gate, Vil really just,, that was so noble of him 

IDIA JUMPING TO GO WITH ORTHO THOUGH 😭 like holy fucking fuck, I don’t know what to say... I think that moment speaks for itself. 

Vil being Hercules and Idia being Megara... damn, it kinda makes sense. Vil-Hercules for the hero thing, and Idia-Megara for the reason that they’re trapped by the underworld to an extent

THE FLASHBACK HONESTLY . it was expected, but it did hurt 😭 being a witness to someone’s death was one thing, but being the indirect cause of someone’s death is just,,, Idia was just a child then. That shit would be traumatizing

Whoever voiced child Idia’s cries, good job but also fuck you. When he was showing off AI Ortho and then going from laughter to crying ?? I think that’s where my heart truly broke. That was genuinely so painful to listen to. 

Maybe I’m being delusional, but the way Idia broke down over losing Ortho reminded me of how Azul broke down when his contracts were dusted. There was that plea from them going “give it all back” (give Ortho back; give Azul’s power back). And then they reassure themselves that they could fix their problems. 

I... I really like how the overall problem for Idia and Ortho was that they just wanted to live like everyone else, but because they were born into the Shroud family, they, Idia in particular, had their lives planned out for them at the start. I think Hades in the myths was like that?? 

The part where real Ortho’s soul talks to Idia..... his face being fully revealed, when he said “please continue to live, make our dream of going on an adventure come true”, when Idia was shouting for Ortho’s name at the end........ wow thank goodness that I can’t understand anything or I’d be crying onions 

The way Idia was saying that with all the damages he has to fix, he’d have to drop out possibly, but literally None of them letting him go xDD true NRC students 

When he revived Ortho again,,, and he had a heart this time,,,,,, I really like how he was resurrected and not at the same time. Like real Ortho will be gone no matter what, but his soul will still live on through his robot self. Kokoro was also playing in my head during that scene 😂

OLD MAN VIL “I’M 18″ SCHOENHEIT IS SO FUNNY. Best content is seeing him cry for 3 hours straight about how he wanted to be casted as a middle aged man someday then calming down only to cry again when Jack went “wait who’s this old man”

Vil’s kyaaaa when Malleus managed to turn him back to his 18-year old self was so pure. 😭 I’m so happy for him 

RAMSHACKLE UPGRADE KINDA 💅 we are now material gworls 

I find it funny how they couldn’t upgrade our room bskbdgjsndgksd like it’s still the same even after how much Charon trashed it?? At least Vil was kind enough to give us projection mapping to make it look pretty HAHHAHHA

ORTHO BABY,,,, ORTHO BABY IS NOW A FIRST YEAR !!!!!!! I’M SO HAPPY THAT HE FINALLY GETS TO STUDY IN SCHOOL LSGJSDLGSDKGLSJLSJSK YES ORTHO YOU’RE A REAL BOY ENJOY NRC LIFE UEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUE BABYBABYBABYBABYBABY I CAN FINALLY SAY I HAVE A FAVORITE FIRST YEAR AND IT’S ORTHO 😭

AND HE HAS A NEW UNIFORM CARDDDDD uwehhhhh his lines are so cute, and his story !!! him choosing a club !!!! and and and his profile change!!!! He chose Vil’s club 😭 Vil made that much of an impact in his life. I heard that the story seems to be longer than some SSRs though, which is . well d a m n 

Chapter 7 seems to be really spicy 👁👄👁 from Lilia talking about how people are weak but they intertwine together and create a strong presence in history, Malleus mulling over those words, to Mickey saying that he saw “a mysterious silver-haired boy” on his side of the mirror (not his room, though), which implies that it’s Silver and bringing up the possibility of him traveling to people’s dreams or him being from the same world as we are since Grim can’t see Mickey and vice versa....... oooooonga boonga ch7 is gonna serve us so well 

Overall, I think chapter 6 had the excellent pacing and writing that ch3 and 4 had. They wrote every character so well, and the wait for Idia and Ortho was absolutely worth it. This might be the new fan favorite chapter actually, and it sets the bar very high for Diasomnia. Good job Twst. Thank you for serving us a very good story. 

[theasstour]

𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄 | 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 𝟐𝟎.𝟐𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭

A/N: Thank you so incredibly much to each one of you angels who voted for ST in the 1D Craft Awards 🥺 You continue to take my breath away with all your kindness, support and love 🐚🌊✨ ENJOYYY CHAPTER 7! x

Saturday, 25 July

The phone vibrated against the wooden table, jolting Y/N out of her focus. She blinked a few times, looking over at Fatima who turned the timer off and looked at Y/N with expectant eyes. Y/N shook her head and Fatima’s face visibly fell.

“What you mean?”

“I didn’t finish, did I?” Y/N groaned, running her hands over her face, hiding it from view for a few seconds before she sat back in her chair and looked at her laptop in front of her. The two were sitting at Olive’s Café on Island Square, seated on lime green chairs outside, the morning sun beating down on them as each of them tried to do work; Fatima looking through the curriculum she was going to teach this coming year, and Y/N doing her UCAT work. Fatima was a teacher for fourth graders, so she knew how to make things easy to understand, how to pull things apart and study properly. When Fatima had suggested that the two of them take a day together to just study, Y/N had jumped at the opportunity. Now, they had met to do exactly this a few days in a row and Y/N was really starting to feel the effects.

The thought of the UCAT exam coming closer and closer made her want to hurl. September 10th didn’t seem that far away anymore, something that absolutely terrified Y/N. Not only did she need to be out of St Ives by then, leaving her entire life and friends here behind, but she didn’t know where she’d even be. Would she even have enough money? Would she still be in Cornwall? Would she have crawled with her tail between her legs back to Winchester, asking for forgiveness for leaving them all behind?

Fatima pursed her lips, tapping her pen against the top of Y/N’s laptop. “Is it ‘cause you’re stressing too much?”

“Probs.”

“It’s hard not to when it’s important to you.”

Y/N sighed heavily, nodding her head in agreement. “This practice exam… well, it was hard.”

“They usually are, the practice exams,” Fatima explained. “Not necessarily so to scare you, more so that you’ll be aware that this will be hard, but the actual exam isn’t that bad. They never are.”

Y/N gave Fatima a little smile. “Taken the UCAT before?”

“Obvs, I’m the smartest bitch in all of the UK, if not Europe.”

Y/N laughed, quickly sighing again as she looked down at her laptop again. This was the first practice exam she had ever taken; Fatima had timed her to see if she’d make it in the estimated time it took to complete the UCAT, but Y/N hadn’t managed to. She supposed she still had a lot of time to study and prepare herself, but it still made her feel like all her studying had been for absolutely nothing. One failure, even if it didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, always seemed like the most important thing in the world. How had the world not shifted? How was not everyone around her crying like she felt she should be doing?

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Y/N. I promise you’ll be fine.”

She nodded, knowing deep down that Fatima was right. The universe would balance itself out eventually, everything would be alright in the end even if her current world was crumbling right before her eyes. Maybe she was just being dramatic, maybe it wasn’t that deep and she had just not been focused enough, but Y/N felt like giving up now.

“When I feel like I’m failing at life,” Fatima started, sitting up a bit straighter in her seat. “I pick up a pillow and I just scream into it.”

Y/N blinked.

Fatima grinned.

“You just scream? How?”

“Just like you’d normally scream,” Fatima chuckled, demonstrating by pretending to pick up a pillow, burying her face in it, and silently screaming. “And after that, I feel better.”

“Like a proper scream?”

“Like you’re being chased down the street by a man in a clown costume holding an axe.”

Y/N smiled, shaking her head some. “I’ll do that when I get back to the Inn. Immediately.”

Fatima laughed just as someone came up beside them, asking the man sitting beside them if the chair opposite him was taken. When the tiny, short-haired blonde sat down beside them, she beamed from ear to ear. There was something about Ellie’s presence that just made everything better. She was so round, so small, so joyous all the time that it felt wrong to be in a sulky mood when she was around.

“I heard you’re studying,” Ellie said, perching her yellow sunglasses on the top of her head. “And by the looks of it-“ Ellie mimicked what Fatima had just done with the scream. “-It’s not going so well.”

“Y/N’s studying for that dentist test and she tried one of them practice exams, didn’t go so well.”

“Aww.” Ellie pouted. “I’ll buy you a cupcake to cheer you up. I always eat tons when I’m sad, especially sweets. Especially, especially cupcakes.”

“Thanks for the offer, but-“

“-Ima, you want a cupcake as well?” Ellie put her purse down on her chair as she got up, holding onto her card. “Or a new iced latte?”

Fatima brought a hand to her chin, pretending to think about it, making exaggerated thinking noises till Ellie blurted a “today!” that made Fatima chuckle and say, “Both please, babe.”

Ellie smiled. “Girls, you know what I think we should do after this?” She waited for a few seconds for either of them to say something, but when they didn’t Ellie went on. “Go to the beach! You can’t be sad when you’re at the beach! We’ll sunbathe, have a bit of a swim, and then go for a Cheeky V at the pub after.”

Fatima smiled a little, looking at Y/N to see if she’d be into that.

Though all Y/N wanted to do was go back to the Inn and scream into her pillow, she smiled up at Ellie. “Yeah, why not? Have a bit of a girls day.”

“Oh, my gosh, that’s exactly what it is as well,” Ellie gasped, grinning from ear to ear. “BRB, ladies, I’m getting us something sweet.” Ellie was off into Olive’s Café greeting an acquaintance loudly before she went over to talk to them. Fatima only shook her head some, turning back to the book in front of her.

“You’ll figure it out, Y/N.”

“The UCAT?” she asked, looking at her laptop again, feeling her stomach drop at the sight of the practice exam again.

“Everything,” Fatima answered with so much conviction that for a moment, Y/N almost believed her.

“Alright, crew,” Dax called as they pulled into the farm, its lush and green landscape opening up around them. “Just warning you now, I’m gonna absolutely crush you tonight. I go for the title of champion even if it means I’m gonna have to lose some friends.”

“Sad, that,” Fatima sighed. “Seeing as you’ve never won before, what makes you think you’re gonna win this year?”

Amir turned to look at them from where he sat shotgun. “Dax, you may try to win, but we all know the former singer and frontman of Astronaut Lions will go home champion tonight.”

“You are a terrible singer, Amir. Dunno why we let you even sing,” Jo groaned.

“’Cause I’ve got a silky-smooth, delicious, fantastic-“

“-Shut up, mate!” Ellie groaned, making Jo laugh and give her a high five.

Harry stopped his van, killing the engine before Dax got up and opened the door for everything in the backseats. Y/N made sure no one could see her bum as she descended from the car, keeping her hands by her buttocks to keep her pleated lilac skirt from showing too much of her skin. She put her purse on her shoulder, letting it hang over her white crop cardigan. Music could be heard from the large barn, some awful singing streamed out from the open entrance as people walked out, laughing and carrying empty plates. The farm was just as beautiful as Y/N remembered it, now smelling of delicious barbeque and sounding of hens, chatter, and the occasional failed high-note. The karaoke night seemed to be under full way, the courtyard brimming with people, the same went for the inside of the barn it seemed.

Y/N, Fatima and Ellie fell into step beside one another as they walked over to the gate, Harry opening it for the rest, gesturing for them to walk in before him. When Y/N reached him last he gave her a little smile, eyes falling to the gravel under his feet.

“Harry!” Grace yelled, running from the grill where Uncle Tim, Jessa, and lolo stood looking at the food. “Harry, Harry, Harry!”

“There she is!” Harry bent down as Grace came running, wrapping his arms around her and spinning her around, her feet dangling in the air.

“Alright, Mr Flores?” Dax asked as he walked up to the grill, putting a hand on lolo’s shoulder. Lolo grinned up at Dax, saying something that Y/N didn’t catch as Amir let out a loud groan hitting his chest with both hands.

“Let’s go! Gonna belt Material Girl in approximately five minutes, everyone come watch to have your life changed!” Amir ran into the barn, shouting something as he met a few familiar faces inside.

“After a few pints he’ll try Gentleman,” Fatima sighed. “Someone should cover Gracie’s ears then.”

“That SL song?” Jo asked. “Nah, he better do Wiley Flow, or else I’m gonna have to challenge him to a rap battle.”

“Amir’s got no chance of keeping up with any of Stormzy’s songs,” Ellie pointed out matter-of-factly, scrunching up her nose. “Anyway,” Ellie stopped Jo before they started talking. “We’re doing Sugababes, yeah? About You Now?”

“Obvs!” Fatima exclaimed, offended that Ellie might’ve thought otherwise. “And Y/N’s joining us.”

“Oh!” Y/N raised her eyebrows, chuckling a little as Fatima wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard a Sugababes song.”

“They’re immense, aren’t they?” Ellie grinned. “I used to listen to Push The Button on repeat when I was like 12.”

“Was more of a Too Lost in You type of girl,” Y/N said, making Fatima gasp and Ellie bring a hand up to her chest.

“We’re doing Too Lost in You!” Ellie clapped her hands frantically. “Oh, my life! Legendary!”

“Of course,” Fatima smiled. “You wanna sing, yeah?”

“Let me down three ciders and I’ll be good to go.”

Jo laughed, gesturing for Y/N to follow them over to the main house where the four of them helped themselves to something to drink. Y/N glanced out of the kitchen window at the Styles-Flores family where they stood by the grill, sipping her cider. Grace sat on Harry’s shoulders, hands in his hair as she giggled at something. Harry had both his hands wrapped around his little sister’s ankles, holding her in place. Jessa was grinning at the two while Uncle Tim stood talking by the grill, asking lolo if what he was doing was alright, not having grilled this specific type of Filipino dish before. Dax stood chatting to one of Harry’s aunts, if it was Rachel or Abby, Y/N could not for the life of herself remember, but she noticed Harry’s aunt’s kids running around the grill, shouting at one another and laughing.

Y/N had never experienced a dynamic like this before. This family was so welcome, so big, so loving, and it made her happy to just watch them and know that, for a split second in time, she had been part of it. Maybe not a real part of it because this was not her family after all, but she had been touched by their warmth and been their guest for a time being. She would forever be grateful for that. Love tasted like Jessa’s lumpia, radiated like lolo’s approving smile, smelled like Grace’s hair after she had been out plucking wildflowers, and felt like Harry’s arms wrapped around her. Nothing would ever be quite like this.

“Let’s go to the barn,” Ellie said.

“I’ll just go say hi to Jessa,” Y/N announced, giving them all a smile before she walked outside and over to the grill where everyone was standing.

“Y/N!” Jessa exclaimed, opening her arms for her. Y/N grinned, walking over and doing the mano po on both Jessa and lolo. “How have you been? Don’t feel like I’ve seen you in ages.” Jessa swatted Harry’s arm, making him flinch away. “He’s keeping you all to himself, isn’t he?”

“I’ve been busy, nanay!” Harry said, furrowing his brows at his step-mum.

“Karaoke is huge in the Philippines,” Jessa explained, as she linked her arm with Y/N’s bringing her over to the grill where lolo and Tim were standing. “It is an understatement to say that Filipinos love karaoke, I daresay. Almost every Filipino home has a karaoke machine, Harry’s dad bought ours when we first moved here, but we put it out in the barn ‘cause we don’t really use it unless there’s a karaoke night, like tonight.”

“How nice, this is a tradition then? Each summer?”

“Yeah, we have a karaoke barbeque night every summer, everyone’s invited!” Jessa beamed. “It’s a fantastic way to just relax, forget about everything for a little while, belt your heart out to some of your favourite songs.”

Y/N smiled, eyes landing on the grill.

“Alright, Y/N?” Tim asked, smiling at her. “We made some tempeh for you, some Filipino barbeque sauce on it that’s out of this world. Not surprised, though, when Jessa made it.”

“Oh!” Jessa waved her hand as if to dismiss the compliment, but squeezed his shoulder. “I’m excited to see what you think. It was either tempeh or baos, thought you might like this a bit more.”

Y/N took a plate and a fork and watched as Tim put some food on her plate, thanking him once it was done. She picked up the tempeh and blew on it before she took a bite out of it, chewing it thoroughly and smiling at Jessa after swallowing.

“That’s brilliant.”

“Ahh! You think?” Jessa grinned, looking from Tim and back to Y/N, then at lolo. “Amá, Y/N liked the tempeh we made.”

Lolo smiled at Y/N and looked at her plate, nodding slowly. “You have to come and make some food with us once. You are part of the family now; we can show you our secret recipes.”

Y/N chuckled some before swallowing her bite of tempeh. “Wouldn’t say I’m part of the family, but thank you-“

“-Nonsense!” Jessa exclaimed, shaking her head furiously. “You are here, you’re making Harry happy, and since you’ve come to St Ives, the world’s been a brighter place. You’re where you need to be.”

For some reason, Y/N couldn’t quite believe what Jessa was saying. She knew it was coming from a good place, that she meant that it was nice to have Y/N there, but her family was in Winchester, she couldn’t possibly come into a new one and then ruin that one as well. This family she was visiting in St Ives would do just fine without her when she left in August. No one would miss her once she had been gone for a week, that was just a fact. Y/N was so bloody lost, she did not know what to do once her and Harry “broke up”, but she knew she would not disappoint and make any of the people around her sad, she refused.

Instead, Y/N smiled as she took the last bite of the tempeh, chewing and swallowing before she said. “Harry said something about an end of summer party.”

“Yes! I wanted to talk to you about that! Because, on the topic of food,” Jessa smiled back. “If you could give me some of your favourite vegetarian dishes, I’d love to make them for you! It would be amazing for many others to try something new as well.”

“I’d be more than happy to help out,” Y/N said, looking over at Grace as she sat on Dax’s back, the blonde man running around in circles as Harry ran after them, growling and acting like a disformed monster of sorts. She smiled a little at the sight, he looked absolutely ridiculous. How was he still cute? “I’ll bring the veggie food and I’ll show you how to make those, and then you show me how to make some Filipino dishes as well.”

Jessa placed a hand over her heart, beaming at Y/N. “You are an absolute treasure, me lover.”

Y/N smiled, eating some more of the tempeh. “When should I come and help out?”

“Are you free Tuesday?”

“Yeah, I don’t have any plans as of now.”

“Great! Harry will drive you here then. It’ll just be me, amá, Gracie, and Harry, and now you.” Jessa put her hand on Y/N’s arm, squeezing her lovingly before she turned to answer a question Tim asked her about the food he was currently grilling.

Y/N looked in the direction of Harry, Dax and Grace again, now walking towards the house. Jessa must have noticed Y/N staring in their direction because she linked her arm through Y/N’s and the two walked in the direction of the house as well.

“There’s more food inside,” she explained, grinning from ear to ear. “We do grill a lot, but Tim’s not really the best with the grill and he always insists on grilling at these gatherings, I don’t really have the heart to tell him no.” Jessa led Y/N into the dining room where she remembered all the food had been served at Grace’s birthday party. Again, casserole upon casserole stood spread over the dining table, covering it completely. Most of the dishes were all dug into, some almost completely wiped from the casseroles.

“Here,” Jessa said as she led Y/N over to the table. “I made your lumpia, there’s a few other vegetarian options as well.”

The fact that Jessa thought of this, thought of Y/N’s preference and made life a little easier for her, was so greatly appreciated that it nearly brought tears to Y/N’s eyes.

“This is biko,” Jessa explained, pointing to a casserole filled with banana leaves, a brown dish resting in it. “It’s a rice cake made from malagkit, or sticky rice, coconut milk, and brown sugar. Like other rice cakes, it is referred to as kakanin, taken from the word kanin which means rice, and is often eaten as a dessert or meryenda, meaning a mid-afternoon snack.”

“It looks lovely,” Y/N said, reaching for the spoon to get herself a slice before it was all eaten up. “Know we’re probably not set for dessert just yet, but I might just need some.”

Jessa laughed, smiling as Y/N took a bite of the biko. “What do you reckon, darling?”

“Heavenly, Jessa.”

Jessa clapped her hands together in delight, grinning from ear to ear as Y/N went in for another bite. “You have to try the buko pie next.”

“Which one’s that?”

Jessa pointed to a golden pie, not waiting for any sort of reply before cutting Y/N a small piece, placing it on Y/N’s plate. “It’s a sweet and rich pie made from young coconut meat.”

“Oh?”

“Buko pies are mostly sold in southern parts of Luzon in the Philippines. There’s this specific store down there called Collette’s that serves the best buko pie. I will never be able to replicate it, but I will try my hardest, every time I make a buko pie,” Jessa smiled. “We need to take you to Luzon, Y/N, you’d love it. Once we’ve saved up and all that.”

“This is the best buko pie I’ve ever tasted at least,” Y/N said, and Jessa laughed again looking out through the window only to sigh deeply.

“I need to go out there, it seems Tim is struggling and amá cannot be asked to help him out.” Jessa sprinted out, shouting something at Tim that Y/N didn’t catch but by the look on all the relatives standing around and Tim’s face, it couldn’t have been good. Y/N smiled a little, eating the rest of her pie before she realised she heard music. This wasn’t the type streaming out from the barn, this was coming from inside the house. And it was coming from the piano.

Y/N walked into the kitchen and placed her now empty plate on the kitchen counter before walking over to the dining room again, walking over to the doorway leading into the living room. With Grace on his lap, Harry was sitting by the piano, playing a tune Y/N had never heard before. It was both hopeful and very sad, unlike anything Y/N had ever heard before. There was no note sheet in front of him as he played, his eyes were only on the keys in front of him. Grace sometimes leaned forward and pressed a key she wasn’t supposed to, looking up at Harry while she giggled before leaning into him again, listening to the rest of the song.

“Can you play that other one?” Grace asked as Harry continued to play.

“What other one? There are quite a few, Gracie.”

“She means the one about me,” Dax grinned, standing beside the piano with his arms crossed, a massive grin on his face. “Go on, Hazza. Play that one inspired by Sexy Back.”

“Watch your mouth,” Harry hissed through gritted teeth, making his best friend laugh.

“Noooo!” Grace laughed. “The one you wrote after you, me and Y/N went to St Austell. The one about that trip.”

“Ahh, haven’t heard that one before,” Dax said, walking over to sit on the sofa beside the piano, watching the two siblings as they settled in again. Grace pressed one of the keys, looking up at Harry who smiled down at her and shook his head. He took her hand, bringing her finger over to the correct starting note, pressing it down for a long while so she’d get the feel of it. Then, he brought her to the next one, slowly playing the melody out before Grace motioned for Harry to take over for her.

What Harry produced just pressing a couple of keys at just the right moment was so breath-taking that Y/N almost felt dizzy. There was something to this melody that words weren’t ready to properly convey yet, something that was too powerful for a simple human brain to comprehend. Y/N understood why Harry wrote songs now. This melody captured that day perfectly. Her heart knew that melody. It had played that melody itself that day; it had been there with Harry while he came up with it as well.

She was thrown back to walking along St Austell, spending the day in the sunshine with two people that she had come to care so incredibly much for. Thrown back to standing side by side with Harry, talking about music, walking along the market, eating ice cream, laughing till her sides hurt. A lump suddenly appeared in her throat.

“What the fuc-“

“-Dax,” Harry said, stopping immediately. “No.”

“I’ve heard that word before, Harry,” Grace said.

“What, when?!”

“Harry, that was insane,” Dax said, grinning as he stood up from the sofa again. Before Y/N could be noticed, she stepped away from the doorway and walked outside again, feeling every inch of her chest hurting.

“Y/N!” Jo called. “Come in here!” They stood by the grill with a plate filled with food, waving her over so the two of them could walk in together.

She grinned over at Jo as she made her way over, them walking in the direction of the barn together. She waved at people she recognised – Florence from Bessie’s knitting club and Dax’s mum, was one of them. The inside of the barn was decorated with plenty of fairylights, giving the old interior a yellowish and homely glow resembling candlelight. There were small tables and chairs all around so people could sit down to eat, drink, and chat, while a huge screen was positioned by the furthest wall, two microphones attached to what looked to be a high quality karaoke machine of sorts. Jo showed the way and they sat down with the rest, it didn’t take long for Harry, Dax, and Grace to join them. Y/N got out of her chair and tapped Grace on the shoulder.

“Haven’t gotten a hug yet,” Y/N said and Grace jumped off the ground, throwing her arms around Y/N’s neck. She laughed, hugging the little girl to her for a few heavenly seconds before she stepped away. “You look nice today.”

“Nanay told me not to spill anything on it,” Grace said as she gestured at her pink, sparkly dress. “I told her I can’t promise that.”

Y/N chuckled. “You’re doing well so far, I’d say.”

“Thank you!” Grace beamed. “Anyway, Harry’s drinking that drink that makes his breath smell awful.”

“Gracie,” Harry warned from where he now sat beside Ellie, but the little girl did not appear to want to hear what he had to say.

“How can you kiss someone with bad breath, Y/N?” Grace asked and Y/N’s heart dropped at little as she thought about kissing Harry again. How they weren’t going to kiss again. How she wanted to kiss him, but not because they were fake dating. It took everything in Y/N not to look in Harry’s direction, because, judging by his little utterance of his sister’s name before, she knew he must’ve heard this as well.

“You don’t care if they’ve got bad breath if you really want to kiss them,” Y/N answered, giving Grace a smile.

Grace grimaced. “I would never kiss someone if their breath stank.”

“Don’t talk about kissing, you’re seven,” Harry said, sipping his pint.

Y/N raised her eyebrows at Grace and Grace did the same back. At Grace’s instructions, Y/N sat down in her seat so Grace could sit in her lap. Grace watched the people singing intently, sometimes singing along and nodding her head along to the music like she couldn’t help it. It was impossible not to smile at the sight of it, Y/N simply cared for this little creature so much it was hard for her to fully comprehend it. Grace, though young and Harry’s little sister, was the closest thing Y/N had ever come to a sister. They didn’t have a deep connection through thoughtful conversation, but they just understood and went along. There was an emotional and meaningful connection that, though not talked about, had appeared because they enjoyed and appreciated each other’s company.

Grace ran over to a nearby table to get herself some water, leaving Y/N sitting in the chair alone, her lap feeling oddly cold. On the other side of the table, Amir was talking loudly over the karaoke battle that had just begun.

“When I go back up to London for work in two weeks’ time, I feel like I’m just gonna make a right fool of myself, yeah? Normally takes a week for me to turn my weird off after I’ve been home.”

“Gonna be weird when you and Jo are off again,” Ellie said. “Why do you two have to work in London? Why can’t you just stay in St Ives?”

“Bit liberating to leave this place for another one every once in a while, not gonna lie,” Jo admitted, sipping their beer.

“Makes you realise all you’ve missed,” Fatima nodded. “Was the same when I came home for uni breaks, now I’m just really happy I ended up here. Might be underpaid as a teacher, but-“ Fatima shrugged her shoulders. “-I love living and working here, it’s home, after all.”

Y/N hated that she had never experienced that feeling; of coming back to something you had missed. Of coming home.

“Bum that,” Dax said. “I want my mates home at all times! I don’t care you’ve got a job!”

Y/N chuckled, the conversation around them commencing as she looked down at the table, picking at a stain on the table. Grace came back just then, but she didn’t get to sit down before Dax said her name.

“Wanna go up and sing your heart out?”

Grace squealed and took Harry’s hand. Harry downed the rest of his beer and stood up, walking with Grace, Dax, and Amir up to the karaoke machine. Y/N rested her chin in her hand, smiling as she watched the four of them discuss what song to do. It had to be an easy one that Grace already knew, it might be hard to find the correct one. They took some time to decide, but suddenly, the drums to a song Y/N recognised from Harry’s favourite’s playlist started playing. She remembered how Grace really loved that playlist.

“Uptown girl,” Grace sang into the microphone as she perched on Harry’s hip, sharing microphone’s with him. “She’s been living in her uptown world.”

Dax and Amir joined in as well, singing along with Grace who was still unsure of the lyrics but tried to read them as best she could on the screen in front of them. Harry moved them to the music, Dax throwing an arm around Amir’s shoulders as they started singing their hearts out. It was simply impossible not to smile as you watched the four of them, dancing and singing along to Billy Joel’s song.

“God,” Fatima sighed as she scooched her chair closer to Y/N’s. “I wish someone looked at me the way Harry looks at you.”

Y/N halted a little at Fatima’s words, looking in her direction as Amir, Dax, and Grace sang “And now she’s looking for her downtown man, that’s what I am”.

“Pardon?”

Fatima grinned. “Oh, you know-“ She placed her chin in her head, looking off into the distance with exaggerated doe eyes, a dreamy look on her face. For a split second, Y/N’s heart seemed to lurch out of her chest. Harry… Harry looked at her like that? He glanced at her? Surely, Fatima was not being serious and she had simply caught Harry smiling at Grace when she sat in Y/N’s lap.

Y/N laughed. “You’re taking the mick, that’s not how he looks at me.”

“Wouldn’t know, would you? Always happens when you’re not looking.”

“Harry,” Grace said, not even bothering to hold the microphone away as she spoke to him in the middle of the song. “You need to sing, the song’s for Y/N, remember?”

Y/N glanced beyond Fatima and at the group in front of the screen, a rush of adrenaline streaming through her veins. Laughter could be heard throughout the room at Grace’s words, many turning in Y/N’s direction to look at her, all with smiles and curious looks on their faces. At once, Y/N’s face seemed to be too hot for its own good. She bit her bottom lip, continued to watch the gang, ignoring the heat in her cheeks.

Harry seemed to take a deep breath before he started singing with Amir and Dax, both of them doing a miserable job of doing the song any sort of justice. Neither were impressive singers, but Y/N knew Harry was.

“Uptown girl, you know I can’t afford to buy her pearls,” Harry sang, voice so effortlessly breath-taking that Y/N felt like she was doing a pretty good job of imitating the dreamy look Fatima had demonstrated earlier. “But maybe someday when my ship comes in, she’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been, and then I’ll win.”

Grace joined in then, wrapping her arm around Harry’s shoulder and leaning her head against his. They all continued to sing along to the song, Y/N not paying any sort of attention to the conversation between Fatima, Ellie, and Jo. She watched as the four of them cheered once they were done singing, bowing to the small applause they got before returning to the table.

“I need to go tell nanay!” Grace shouted, running off outside to Jessa and the rest of the family.

Y/N smiled at Harry as he came back, getting a tight-lipped smile back before he picked up his, Dax’s, Amir’s and Jo’s empty beer cans, walking over to get them all a new round. Grace came back with Halo Halo, placing herself on Y/N’s lap as the two ate, talking non-stop. The little one disappeared after a little while, Y/N suspected it was because it was getting rather late. As the night went on, Y/N realised that the only two that would be able to stand by the end of the night were her and Fatima. The others got very drunk, talking loudly about everything insignificant and nothing they would remember in the morning. Harry kept looking at the watch on his wrist, clearly making sure that they got back to his at a good hour so he could report at 3am. When Harry’s speech got a bit more slurred and his eyes a wee hooded, Y/N started looking out for him. Using the time on her phone, she kept an eye out, making sure that Harry returned to his cottage before then so he could sleep off most of his intoxication.

Talking amongst themselves as the rest chatted loudly, Fatima and Y/N agreed that Fatima would be the one to drive everyone home. It would be easier to drop Harry off last as this was his van, and Fatima didn’t live too far away from the lighthouse, the two then decided Y/N would sleep at her place that night, it would be nice just being the two of them. She loved how closed she was getting to Fatima and Ellie. There hadn’t really been a time before when she had made proper good friends, but everyone around that table were currently climbing very fast and very high up on her list of favourite people in the entire world. She genuinely appreciated Fatima’s help with the UCAT reading earlier that week, it had really helped her along, even though the result hadn’t been the best. That was Y/N’s fault though, not Fatima’s teaching skills.

At one point, Dax got all of them up from the table, bringing them over to the screen, telling them over and over again how they needed to do this. Y/N was unsure if they really did, but she didn’t bother telling a very drunk Dax that as he handed out microphones, telling people to share. Y/N scooted up next to Ellie, watching Harry as he put an arm around Jo’s shoulder, patting them as the two of them along with Amir watched Dax search for the song.

“We need to know what song we’re gonna embarrass ourselves to,” Amir exclaimed as Dax was taking his time typing.

“I’m not about to do a Union J song, mate,” Ellie said.

“Alright, I liked one of their songs ten years ago, Ellie!” Dax looked over his shoulder at her, a deep furrow to his brow. “Carry You is a belter!”

“It’s not.”

“Jo, back me up here,” Dax said, turning back to write something into the laptop standing there.

“Dax… don’t make us sing Union J or The Wanted or JLS or anything like that, we don’t need that,” Jo sighed.

“The fact you’re embarrassed about our boyband period in 2013 hurts.” Dax glared at Jo.

“Right, then, what’s the song we’re singing?” Harry shot in, nodding at the laptop again. “We’re just standing here lookin’ stupid now.”

“Looking stupid?” Amir tutted, shaking his head. “Couldn’t be me, mate. Model material, this is. Look like I’m straight off the runway.” He gestured at his body and Fatima feigned throwing up, making the five drunks howl with laughter.

“Ultraviolet, Stiff Dylans.”

Y/N gasped at Dax’s words, bringing her hand up to her chest as the others around just looked at her, afraid something had happened. She grinned at Dax. “That used to be my favourite song!”

This seemed to be shocking news to absolutely everyone.

“What?” Y/N raised her eyebrows. “Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging was revolutionary.”

“Too right,” Harry said. “But… were you…” He blinked a few times. “Were you even allowed to watch it? Not a film I reckon would’ve been allowed in your house.”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “What can I say, I used to be a rebel.”

“Yes, Y/N!” Dax grinned, giving Y/N a high five. “Now, bum God Save the Queen, this is Britain’s national anthem! Someone record this, history in the making!”

The familiar music started up and Y/N was taken back to a time when she had a massive crush on Aaron Taylor-Johnson, hiding her obsession with this film from her parents, and listening to this song on repeat. The whole gang started singing, Amir doing a horrible job of keeping up with everyone else, but it was fun to watch him get annoyed with himself for not getting it right. Involuntarily, Y/N’s eyes fell on Harry. He was singing his heart out, sounding better than everyone else, but in his drunken state he seemed to have forgotten some of the lyrics. However, everyone knew the song and it felt very good to be with people she adored, singing a song all of them knew and loved, together. She felt part of something bigger than herself in that moment.

Maybe that was why she did it. Because, looking back, Y/N did not quite know what came over her in that moment, but she loved herself for it. As the song started nearing the end, Y/N took the microphone out of Ellie’s hands and started singing at the top of her lungs, taking absolutely everyone by surprise but she did not care. Ellie started laughing and the rest joined in again towards the end, matching Y/N’s volume.

As she turned around after the song, grinning from ear to ear as she glanced at her friends, basking in their applause and cheers, she caught Harry’s eye. That crooked smile of his was on his face along with a look she wasn’t sure she had ever really seen before, maybe only once. Amusement tangled up with adoration, forming a sort of emotion that had yet to be given a word; someone on the cusp of surrendering themselves completely to the overpowering concept of love, yet still holding back in fear of the unrequited. As soon as their eyes met, Harry looked away, scratching at the back of his neck as he walked back over to their table, everyone following suit.

The time came for them all to leave and Harry gave Y/N the car keys, claiming that he was not fit to drive, though she had not needed him to tell her that. Y/N gave them over to Fatima and all of them made their way over to the van. The night sky was black, brimming with glinting stars and the moon hanging big and yellow over Cornwall, wishing them all a good night. Y/N walked over to Jessa and thanked her for her hospitality, asking her where lolo and Grace were. She explained they’d gone to bed a long time ago, lolo had probably read Grace a bedtime story and fallen asleep himself, he sometimes did that when he stayed the night at the farm.

Y/N ran over to the van, opening the passenger door to see Amir sitting there, a bag in front of him in case he should throw up on the way home. He gave Y/N a peace sign before she closed the door and opened the door into the backseats.

“There you are,” Jo said through a yawn. “Let’s go, Ima.”

“Y/N!” Harry called from further back in the van, making Dax groan and mumble a “shut up, mate” that Harry did not hear. “Y/N! My flower! Come back here, I saved us the whole back backseat!”

Y/N glanced in Fatima’s direction, only to see her friend raise her eyebrows at her, nodding her head. “He made a big fuss.”

“Y/N, come here, I want to tell you something,” Harry said, words slurring a bit. Y/N stepped into the van properly, closing the door behind her before she walked back to Harry, sitting down in the seat right beside him by the window, even though there were three seats in the far back of the car. The car jolted a little as Fatima started driving, steering the car up the gravel round and towards the centre of St Ives.

“What’d you wanna say?” Y/N asked Harry in a hushed voice, hoping he’d mimic her.

“I… I wanted to say something that’s been on my mind for a while now,” he said, whispering back to her, his face mere centimetres from her own. She felt hot all over, adoring their close proximity but also remembering the rule they had made some days ago. As they drove by the white fluorescent streetlights, Harry’s face lit up for a few seconds, making him appear almost angelic. “I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Okay.”

“It’s got to do with you.”

“Figured as much.”

Harry giggled, looking down at his hands where they rested between his legs, sliding his thumb along his other. “You’re very smart.”

“Thank you.”

“Smartest person I know.”

She couldn’t help but smile at the compliment. “I doubt that.”

He pursed his lips as he thought. “You do that a lot.”

“What?”

“Doubt yourself.” He stared back at her, moving a little closer so their sides were flush against one another. “I think you’re great. I’ve never doubted you.”

They stared at each other for a few seconds, neither knowing what to say as the world around them seemed to disappear completely. For a single moment, it looked like he was going to tilt his head to the side, almost as if he were getting ready to study her like he had done at Porthgwidden. He stopped himself, staring back at his hands.

“I don’t have any cucumber left,” Harry mumbled, this made Y/N giggle a little. “This ain’t gonna end well for me tonight if I don’t get that cucumber.”

Y/N giggled some more, bringing her hand to her mouth as Harry looked at her again, his crooked smile appearing on his face, dimple showing.

“What?”

“Doesn’t sound like you’re talking about a cucumber when you say it like that,” she said.

“What then?”

“Well… what’s kind of shaped like a cucumber?”

Harry furrowed his brows, thinking hard.

“You have it, I don’t.”

“A cock?” Harry mouthed, looking absolutely gobsmacked that Y/N would suggest such a thing, which made Y/N laugh again.

“Yeah, dildo or summat.”

“Y/N Bernadette Angelica McKay,” Harry gasped, shaking his head as his eyes fell on the road through the window beyond Y/N. “Saucy git.”

“You started it.”

“Well, you made it sexual.” Harry crossed his arms, pretending to roll his eyes to make Y/N laugh, which worked effortlessly. “Wouldn’t mind a dildo, not gonna lie.”

“Harry!”

“What?! It’s the truth!”

Y/N laughed again, watching as Ellie and Jo jumped out of the car once Fatima stopped it, waving at everyone before they started walking in the same direction. Fatima started the car over again just as Jo stumbled and almost face planted, making everyone in the van – including the two outside – crack up. Y/N settled into her own seat, looking down at her thighs as they drove off again, giggling a little to herself as she replayed Jo’s near-death experience in her head.

“I…” Harry started, and when she glanced up at him, he was smiling that very small smile back at her. It was barely there, making his dimples show ever so slightly, and it made every single butterfly in Y/N’s tummy flutter their wings madly. “I love the sound of your laughter.”

Y/N felt her heart skip a beat.

“It makes me happy.”

She knew that if she continued to look at Harry and he continued to look at her, she would just start feeling more for him. Though she knew it was inevitable, she would fall in love with him sooner or later, she wanted to slow the process out so that she didn’t end up spending too much time with him while she loved him.

“When you said you watched Angus, Thongs earlier, it kinda shocked me a bit,” Harry admitted, talking as if it was all part of his stream of consciousness. “Not that I think you’re innocent or anything like that, you don’t seem innocent- and when I say it like that it sounds weird.”

Y/N bit her lips together, trying not to laugh.

“From what I’ve heard your parents were very strict so…” Harry shrugged his shoulder, looking away from her again. He tilted his head a little to the side as he caught eye of Amir in the front. “Amir! Oi! If you throw up in my van I’m gonna murder you!”

“Shut up, Haz,” Dax groaned. “Y/N, why the fuck is your boyfriend so loud when he’s plastered? Bloody hell.”

“I’m not loud, I’m passionate.”

“About Amir not throwing up in your car?” Dax rolled his eyes. “Brilliant.”

Fatima stopped the car, shouting at Dax to get out and help Amir home. Dax slowly walked around the car and took Amir’s arm over their shoulder, the two walking off as Amir started singing a song that had been sung right before they left the farm. Fatima sat there and watched the two walk up the street, making sure they got inside Amir’s place where Dax would kip before she started driving towards the lighthouse.

The three were quiet for the last part of the drive, Harry seemingly about to doze off all of a sudden, humming Ultraviolet under his breath as they started driving up the gravel path to the lighthouse. Y/N just barely saw the light of the lighthouse before it disappeared, but did not pay any more notice to it as Harry leaned over her, glancing out the window as if to see his house. Once Fatima stopped the car, Harry reached for the seat buckle, fumbling for it in the dark before he finally got free.

“Help me inside?” he asked Y/N, making her lose her words a bit at first in surprise, but she quickly loosened her own seatbelt as Fatima turned around, about to jump out of the van as well.

“Just gonna help him get to bed, it’ll take five minutes,” Y/N told Fatima as Harry slid the backdoor open, getting out of the car.

“Ten if can force a cuddle out of her,” Harry said, chuckling a little to himself as he watched Y/N get out of the car and close the door behind her. She only raised her eyebrows at him, holding her hand out for his keys, which he gave her eagerly. She wanted nothing more than to cuddle him for ten minutes, she’d take cuddles for one minute if that’s all she got, but she knew he was only saying it in front of Fatima to make her believe them even more. He took his time walking to the front door, as if to drag the time out, while Y/N walked on inside, turning the lights on for him. It took some time for him to get his shoes off and while he did that, Y/N looked through his fridge, not seeing any cucumbers but a few tomatoes could maybe do as post-party food.

Harry put his rucksack with his camera down by the sofa, strolling over to the bathroom to do whatever he needed to do. Y/N put the tomato on the counter, making Harry a glass of water like he had made her last time and putting that along with the tomato on the dining table. Once he walked out of the bathroom, he rubbed at his eyes, giving Y/N a smile as their eyes met.

“Are you staying?”

“No, I… I’m going home with Fatima.”

Harry nodded. “You two…?”

Y/N chuckled some, feeling her cheeks get a little hot as she shook her head. “No, we’re friends. I’m kipping at hers.”

“Okay, good.” Harry nodded, biting the corner of his upper lip as he said, “I don’t like it when you’re alone.”

“Why not?”

“Because of what you said about your dad, that he was a bad man and all that.”

Y/N felt a sort of panic rise in her chest and she looked out the still open door, seeing Fatima sit by the stone fence circling the lighthouse, watching its lights. Harry yawned, lying down in his bed and glancing over at Y/N, his eyes trailing down her body. She felt herself blushing, both because Harry was staring at her like that and she did not want to talk about her dad, especially not while Harry was drunk.

“Can you stay?” His voice was soft, speaking with a meaning that went beyond the cottage and tonight.

“I’m going with Fatima.”

“I want you to stay, flower.”

She wanted to lay down next to him, slide her hand through his hair and watch as he closed his eyes, smiling ever so slightly and humming in total and utter contentment. Fall asleep next to him, feel his breath on her skin again, know that he was there to protect her if anything were to happen. She suddenly remembered how safe she had felt waking up here, how she had never slept as good as she did that single night she spent at Harry’s cottage. Never again would she feel like that, Y/N realised. Once she left St Ives in a couple of weeks, all the safeness and the sense of belonging would be ripped away from her. It would surely be like someone ripping off her arm.

Harry sat up in his bed as if he sensed a shift in the air around them, looking up at Y/N with slight worry but also a sort of desperation, silently asking her to please consider his offer. God, in that very second, it was very hard to resist him. Because when he looked at her like that, so attentive, so devoted to everything she did, she simply wanted to do nothing but lay down next to him and do what he asked. But she couldn’t, and with each passing second where they just looked at one another, the tension between them grew and she felt goosebumps up her back. She cleared her throat some.

“You wanted to tell me something earlier, was that it?” Y/N asked, wanting to get them talking about something else.

“What?”

“In the van, when I entered it, you said you had something to say, what did you have to say?”

“Oh,” Harry said as if suddenly remembering. He glanced away suddenly, scratching at the back of his neck. “No, it was… I wanted to tell you that… I know we haven’t spent much time together since the whole… since Terraland… last Saturday- so like, a week ago…”

She nodded, encouraging him to keep going.

“I’m sorry for that. I don’t… The last thing I’d ever do is hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable.”

“I know, Harry.”

“I just…” He watched her, taking in every single one of her movements as if he would forget what she looked like when she left. “You and me, you know… we were sitting there together and… you were so pretty when we sat there at Porthgwidden, I couldn’t… I had to kiss you. Spur of the moment kind thing, I suppose.”

Y/N did not want to look at him, did not want to hear him say anything else. Had all the nice things he had said at the beach also been just “spur of the moment” then? So nothing was real? Not that she had thought it was, but that kind of just underlined it, didn’t it? She didn’t know what to think anymore, everything was so blurry, nothing seemed to really make sense. Everything was for the fake relationship, it always was.

“Y/N!” Fatima called from outside, Y/N glanced at her. “Say goodbye so we can leave!”

When she glanced back at Harry, Harry seemed to get a little desperate, not wanting her to leave just yet. But Y/N couldn’t stay.

“Y/N,” Harry said, maybe realising that what he’d said might’ve been a bit much. “I-I didn’t mean it like that.”

She gave him a smile. “We’ll talk soon, yeah?”

Harry just nodded, and she walked out the door and toward Fatima who was smiling at her. With one last glance over her shoulder, she saw Harry in the window over his dining table, looking out after Y/N and Fatima as they walked along the gravel path toward town. His hand was resting by the tomato she had laid there for him, hoping that it could somehow be a good second to his usual cucumber tradition after nights out. Y/N crossed her arms over her chest as a slight cold breeze blew past them and Fatima audibly shivered.

“Yeah, would you look at that,” Fatima said as Y/N glanced her way. “Left me out in the wind, you did. Now I’m freezing.”

Y/N laughed, nudging Fatima’s shoulder with her own. The two friends went on back to Fatima’s place, acting as two old friends would.

Monday, 3 August

This was the first time Y/N had ever witnessed rain in St Ives since she arrived in June. It was not pouring down as one would assume after a long drought, a slight pitter-patter fell onto the grass around her as she walked along the gravel path, falling onto the hood of the yellow rain coat she was wearing. The sky was a dull grey, not something one should be worrying about, but there were a few darker clouds hovering somewhere in the horizon and she was sure that with this high of a temperature and the promise of pouring rain later on, lightning would occur as well.

Once she reached the lightkeeper residence, she knocked three times, waited a minute for Harry to open, then peeked her head in when he didn’t. Harry was sat by the dining table, looking through an instruction manual in front of him, frowning down at the pages as if he was reading a language he did not understand. At the sound of the door opening, he looked in Y/N’s direction, giving her a little smile.

“Saw you approach just now,” he said before looking down at the manual before him again.

“So you didn’t bother opening the door for me?” she asked, smiling over at him, but Harry did not answer. This was what she had been afraid of.

Ever since the karaoke and barbeque night at the farm, Harry had not met her gaze. Whenever she had come over to study, he wouldn’t spend too long in the cottage with her and he would rarely make her tea as he usually did. There was something not subtly cold, but different. He still welcomed her to sit in his windowsill and would still talk to her, but he wouldn’t look at her, wouldn’t stay around for long enough so they could talk properly. Y/N had tried, even suggested they go down to the Bakery to buy a pasty and walk around St Ives, go to the Candy Shoppe, or to the pub to have a few pints, but Harry had turned down all her offers, told her they could do it another time. He never really gave an explanation for why he didn’t want to hang out and Y/N was afraid of asking for one. But they had to talk. She didn’t want to go on like this, especially when Harry had come to mean so much to her.

“What’re you up to, then?” She took her coat and boots off, walking over to where Harry was seated by the dining table.

“I’m about to change the bulbs before it starts getting dark out and the lamp’s turned on,” he explained, furrowing his brows as he ran his finger over the page, concentrating on reading a specific line. Y/N stayed silent as not to disturb anything. He got up from the chair, sipping the last of his tea before he shoved the manual down in the back pocket of his denim shorts. He slipped his red knitted jumper over his Elton John tee shirt, the same one he had given to Y/N to wear after Dax’s birthday party when she slept over for the first time.

“Can I help?” she asked, giving him a smile she hoped he’d lay his eyes on her to see.

And he did, lips parting a little as if he was surprised by the suggestion. This puzzled Y/N as she had always expressed her willingness to help him, no matter what.

“Go on, then.” Harry nodded. “Just needed a cuppa before I started, it’s well past 6 after all.”

“You’re going to bed soon?”

“Yeah, and the lamp gets turned on in about an hour.”

Y/N smiled as he walked past her. “You’ve been procrastinating all day, have you?”

“Not all day.”

She laughed and she thought she saw the flicker of a smile on Harry’s lips at the sound.

“I’ve done other things as well, but I need this done now and quickly.”

Y/N nodded, putting her rain boots back on as Harry got his trainers on, the two then jogging in the direction of the lighthouse as not to get soaked in the rain that was starting to fall harder around them. Harry held the door open for her, then locked it once they were both inside. They started their ascent, Harry leading them past his little office floor, past the bedroom like room, up and up and up, till they finally reached the bell room. Even though Y/N was wearing a short white sundress with her green oversized boxy high-neck jumper along with her mid-calf black rain boots, she walked up the ladder leading to the bell room. She remembered how she had been reluctant to walk up wearing a dress that first time, but now she didn’t really care. Harry needed to change the bulbs and she said she was going to help.

Along the way, Harry had brought a toolbox with him, placing it up on the floor of the bell room before he walked up the ladder, letting Y/N go on up after him. For some reason it shocked Y/N when she came up to see that the lamp – the only thing inside the bell room – was not moving. She had imagined that the light in lighthouses moved around, and though Harry had explained what offshore and shore-based lighthouses were, the pattern of a lighthouse and the like, he hadn’t really explained how the lamp worked.

“It doesn’t rotate,” she said, walking up to the relatively small lamp in the middle of the room.

Harry was rummaging through his toolbox, stopping momentarily as he glanced over his shoulder at Y/N, unsure what she was referring to first, then let his eyes fall to the lens. “It flashes.”

Y/N furrowed her brows, walking around the lens to get a good look at it, studying the ridges and different colours of it, blank and red. “flashes?”

Harry pulled a screwdriver out of the toolbox and started working on the screws around the lamp. “It’s to identify it when it’s dark out, sailors can’t make out the white lighthouse when it’s night-time.”

“Makes sense.”

“Most lighthouses, especially shore-based ones like Clodgy, rhythmically flash or eclipse their lights to provide an identification signal. The particular pattern of flashes or eclipses is known as the character of the light, and the interval at which it repeats itself is called the period.” Harry tipped the plastic lens to reveal the five lightbulbs under it; Y/N was surprised to see it wasn’t made of glass. She supposed it was more convenient. “Essentially, a lighthouse may display a single flash, regularly repeated at perhaps 5-, 10-, or 15- seconds intervals. This is known as a flashing light. Clodgy is one of them.”

“What are these then?” Y/N asked, pointing to the red streaks.

“Basically, if someone is on sea and they are driving in the direction of sharp rocks or land, they’ll see a red light flashing instead of a normal, yellow one.”

“Danger, danger.”

Harry reached into his pocket, pulling out a box and putting it on the little space underneath the lamp.

“How many bulbs are there?” Y/N asked, looking at the different ones all attached to a round object in the middle of the lens.

“Five, they usually don’t have to be changed out. You gotta do so every 15-25 years, depending. This little thing-“ Harry pointed to the small bulb between them. “Lights up 15 miles using these lenses. It’s incredible.”

Y/N looked up at Harry, seeing a tiny and amused smile on his face as he talked. This was the most she had heard him talk in over a week; it made her heart do a silly fluttery thing.

“When one of these five bulbs go out, the apparatus knows that the bulb no longer works and it will rotate and-“ Harry placed his finger on the side of the bulb, rotating it to the right so that the apparatus turned, clicking as another bulb fit into place at the top. “-Click to a new bowl, it’s on automation and all that. So, we rarely change the bulbs.”

She bit her bottom lip as she watched him, not able to help herself. It was just so endearing to watch him like this, so amazing to hear him talking so unfiltered to her again. Right then, talking about bulbs and apparatuses and what not, he was so engulfed, so eager to tell her everything, that he did not care how he sounded. He was comfortable. She could tell.

He must’ve noticed how he rambled off, because he cleared his throat and stood up straight again, running a hand through his hair as a slight pink colour appeared in his cheeks. He quickly started to change the first bulb, putting a new on in its stead. Y/N just watched him, finding the sound of Harry working, the slight clicks, the quiet patter of the rain against the windows surrounding them, very relaxing. He seemed to be relaxed as well, so she thought this might be the best time as any.

Inhaling slowly, she leaned her hands on either side of the slight counter the lamp was standing on. She looked over it at Harry, his bottom lip between his teeth as he put the second bulb in its new place.

“Harry, we…” she started, swallowing thickly. “We need to talk about… things.”

Harry sighed. “Yes. Yes, we do.”

Knowing he felt the same way about that made it easier to breathe for a reason. At least she wasn’t going into this the same way she had been going into the Emilia situation after Dax’s birthday.

He started on the third bulb as he started talking, beating Y/N to it. “I, uhm… I want to tell you about my dad.”

This came as a shock to Y/N who was left raising her eyebrows at him for a second or two before saying, “Yeah, alright.”

He glanced up at her over the lightbulb. “You didn’t see it coming?”

“We’ll talk about your dad first,” Y/N gave him a reassuring smile. “We have time. We’ll always have time.”

“But that’s the thing…” Harry trailed off, switching out the fourth bulb, not meeting her eyes. “We don’t. If there’s one thing we won’t always have, it’s time. There won’t ever be enough time spent with your loved ones, there just won’t. No matter how much time you spend or how much time you spent with someone, you’ll always want more time. Always. What you got is never enough.”

The rain outside fell a little harder against the windows of the bell room, the wind a little harsher.

“Two years ago, my dad went on a fishing trip. He usually did this, took a few of his mates and then set off out wherever. They were never gone for more than a day tops, they always returned at night with tons of fish and I remember how Jessa would be so delighted and then invite our whole family over for barbecues and the like.” He paused as he started on the fifth and last bulb. “One day, September 4th to be exact, he didn’t return. Jessa and I sat up for hours waiting for signs of him. She started calling the spouses of the others on the boat, no one else had returned either.”

Y/N absolutely hated that she knew where this was going but she hadn’t told Harry that yet.

“Dax ended up sleeping at the lightkeeper house with me for a month and some after that, just didn’t want me to be alone, you know? He’s sound like that.” Once he was done putting the bulb in place, he reached for the lens and put it back where it belonged. “I think most of my mates and the people in my family’s life tried to keep our minds off it, ‘cause the more days went by, the more likely it was that… you know… he was dead.”

Harry sighed, reaching for the screwdriver, taking a little pause in talking as he screwed everything back into place. Y/N took a few steps back, watching him do his job and make himself ready to talk again.

“The boat was found October 14th, no one and nothing was in it.” Harry still wouldn’t look at her, put the screwdriver back in the toolbox and kept his back to her for a few seconds before turning around again. The bell room was starting to get relatively dark; she supposed the light would turn on soon, and she could barely make out the slight glassy expression in Harry’s eyes.

“I went absolutely mad. There are big chunks of time that I don’t even remember from that time, my brain has just… erased it from my memory, it was the darkest period of my life. They didn’t find any of the passengers’ bodies, there were three of them as well. It had been a turbulent and stormy night, so a sea storm took them out, drowned them all. But I… I…” Harry inhaled hugely, breathing shakily. “I didn’t… I still kinda don’t want… want to believe it. My dad is laying somewhere, far away from me, far away from Jessa, Gracie, from… from home…” He looked down at the ground, blinking rapidly. “It doesn’t fucking feel real. It’s not supposed to happen. This… He was a good sailor; he didn’t drown at sea.”

Y/N felt something starting to sting behind her eyes, she bit her bottom lip to stop it from wobbling. The storm outside seemed to pick up, sounding rougher than a minute before.

“I took over after him because I thought… I thought that, if no one else could, I could help him find the way home. I could shine that light; I’d take care of the lighthouse till he came back home. I’d show him the way, I’d light up the path for him, and he’d come home to me again. Where he belonged, where he should’ve been all along.” He took a deep breath, slowly looking up again, eyes falling to the lamp in the middle of the room. “It was a way for me to ignore the fact that he was truly dead. He wouldn’t come back. I didn’t really… I didn’t realise how… I didn’t realise how true it was that my dad, my constant, was gone, until Emilia left as well.”

Y/N furrowed her brows, a sort of rage filling her again. She had never been this angry before. There was something burning inside her, a sort of desire to protect Harry from everything evil in the world. No one deserved to hurt, but Harry least of everyone.

“I met Emilia at one of Astronaut Lions’ gigs the year before. I remember standing at the bar and she came up to me, asked me if I was Amos’ son – that’s my dad’s name, by the way - to which I said yes, and she told me her dad used to lend my dad and his mates his fishing boat sometimes. My dad and hers knew each other. So, we got talking, and, I want to say it’s ‘cause our dads knew each other, we got pretty close, pretty fast.”

Talking about Emilia brought Y/N’s gagging reflex into full force, but she composed herself.

“When my dad died, she was around, but not as often as Dax, Amir, Jo, Fatima, Ellie, or my family. She visited and stuff, kept me occupied, but the gang spent a lot of time at my place, occasionally rotating. It was nice, I didn’t want to be alone. I love being alone, but I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts then.”

Harry leaned against the window, eyes falling to the floor. Y/N continued to stand where she had, watching Harry carefully.

“We had been together for a year and some then. We hadn’t really fought much, I don’t really like confrontation, it makes me very uncomfortable, so I usually just let her say what she wanted to say if she was annoyed with me and didn’t bother arguing. Fatima kept telling me how unfair it was on her and our relationship, and also on myself, that I never really stood up for myself when we fought. It’s, like… I wanted it to work out so much that I wanted to ignore the things that didn’t. I didn’t want to do something that might cause us to break up.” He sighed heavily. “We were good for each other, we did have some good times, and she was my first ever proper girlfriend that broke my heart, but… but these last few weeks I’ve come to realise that she never really wanted what was best for me the way all my mates did.”

Y/N wanted to walk over to him and hug him. She wanted to console him; tell him she was there if he needed anything.

“I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about that part of my life, you know? I’m aware that breaking up with someone ‘cause they’re bad for your mental health is valid, but what she did really affected me. It made the grieving process worse. I had never really felt truly alone till then.” He furrowed his brows some. “I didn’t have dad; I didn’t have Emilia… I knew I had my mates, but… Emilia and dad meant so much to me, losing them both in such a short period of time… broke me.”

Y/N swallowed a lump in her throat, hoping he couldn’t hear how sad his story made her. “Harry, you don’t have to elaborate if it’s hard for you.”

“No, you deserve to know. Emilia’s back, you’re my… my supposed girlfriend and you… I want you to know.”

Y/N nodded, clutching at the hem of her jumper.

“I know it was a naff move on my part when I went with her to get her that cup, I know I should have understood why you were rightfully upset right away, I know I shouldn’t have been too friendly when she came to Terraland…” Trailing off, he balled his hands into fists at his sides. “The reason why I’ve been so reluctant to push her out of my life is… I know it’s fucking mental; I know I sound right mad, yeah? But… I figured that if she could return, then maybe… then maybe dad…” Harry didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to.

Y/N shook her head as the only thing in the bell room that was audible was the sound of the rain and wind outside, sounding eerie and strong against the top of the lighthouse. “It’s not mental. It’s a very valid and normal reaction to grief, clinging onto the last shred you have of someone, hoping that one day they might come back to you.”

Harry looked at her feet, not ready to meet her eyes yet.

“My dad and I have never been close. I used to love being around him when I was little, I remember associating him with goodness and warmth. He would play with me and make me laugh, do things that my mum hated him for.”

“Like?”

“Throw me in the air, let me jump from a bunk bed and onto the mattress on the floor below, that sort of thing.” Y/N almost smiled at the memory. She hadn’t thought about that in ages. “However, as I grew up, my dad just got colder. He was still nice to me, was still protective and a dad, but he wasn’t the same.”

Y/N could tell by the slight breath Harry inhaled that he wanted to ask what changed but stopped himself. She was grateful he did. She could not go that far just yet.

“But… though it’s not the same as you, I respected my dad’s wishes to stay in Winchester and do as my mum; become a stay-at-home mum who didn’t need education or anything like that. He wanted me to marry well and learn how to be a mum; learn how to be safe at home and mostly indoors at all times.” She furrowed her brows some. “I believed him when he told me I wouldn’t be fit to become a dentist.” She paused for a moment. “You know when you’re scared, and you believe every word your parents say to you ‘cause you don’t know what else to do? They’re older, wiser, got more experience, so of course they know better than you, they know the best thing to do in any given situation.”

Harry nodded slightly.

“Before… Before I came to St Ives, I hadn’t really parted from my family at all. It wasn’t really like I had a choice. They were just always there, and I was expected to be there, too. I was terrified when I left; not only didn’t my parents know I was leaving, but I had just disappointed them in every way possible anyway, so I… I couldn’t stay there.” Her eyes fell on the lamp that yet hadn’t turned on.

Harry cleared his throat, eyes still on the lens in the middle of the room. “Your parents don’t know you’re here?”

“They do now.”

“You told them?”

Y/N felt her heart pick up its speed, she swallowed thickly, continuing to avoid Harry’s eyes. “What I’m trying to get at is that I haven’t, and probably won’t, tell them about the UCAT, or the fact that I’m trying to become a dentist. Part of me wishes that I did, but I know the reaction I’m gonna get… And the other part of me… That part is longing for that loving and warm father to return, the one that helped me fly when I was little.” She leaned against the window. “It’s not the same as you by any means, but it’s-“

“-It’s just as valid, Y/N.”

She shook her head some, looking out at the tall waves below. “You ever get the feeling that, no matter what, you won’t really be good enough, and you settle down with that thought? It’s not this hopeless feeling, but rather you’re just… content with that. You’re average so you’ll get average back.”

“You’re not average.”

She looked over at him, and for what seemed like the first time that day, their eyes met.

“Did your parents make you feel that horrible about yourself?”

Y/N crossed her arms. “In what way?”

“That you were average? Not destined for good things? That you didn’t deserve proper happiness?”

“I was satisfied with life in Winchester.”

“Satisfaction and happiness are two vastly different things.”

It seemed like he wanted to take a step forward but stopped himself, taking a deep breath before settling against the window again. Y/N pushed slightly away from the wall, standing closer to the light.

“It’s like the whole thing with me and Emilia again, innit? There were times when I was happy with her, but I think that’s more to do with the fact that I knew she was there. I could always rely on her. But bottom line is that being with her didn’t bring me instant and constant happiness like-“ He stopped himself, as if remembering there were things he wasn’t supposed to say. “She didn’t make me happy like she should’ve. I was satisfied.”

“Isn’t being at peace good? If someone or something brings you peace, isn’t that good?”

Harry shrugged his shoulders some. “There are different kinds, though. Your life and the people in it should be able to make you feel something, you know? Not being excited to see someone or to be somewhere or to do something, it does nothing. You don’t grow if you’re satisfied ‘cause you’re not moving, you’re not evolving.”

“Being happy isn’t a constant, though. You can’t always be happy, sometimes you’re just… not.”

“How boring would life be if you felt the same way, did the same things, saw the same people every single day? How boring would it be without change?”

Y/N felt herself smiling. “You’re a lighthouse keeper, you do the same things every single day.”

“I don’t, though,” he said. “I might be stuck here in St Ives most of the time, but I never do the same thing every single day. And besides…” He trailed off, biting his bottom lip some. “Besides life’s been anything but ordinary lately.”

Y/N glanced at her arms in front of her. “I… I hated change.”

“You don’t anymore?”

“To a degree,” she said. “I’m happy with the decision I made to leave my old life behind, but now… now I don’t really know what to do. I’m going to apply for University, but what if I’m too old? I’m 25, way older than everyone else there will be, and I… I dunno. I feel like I have to figure myself out all over again now that I don’t have my parents around me anymore, it’s like I don’t know who I am. Once this summer is over and I leave St Ives – ‘cause St Ives, you, and everyone here, are genuinely what’s keeping me together right now – I… I dunno how I’m going to survive. Will I have myself when I don’t even know who I am? Is it too late for me to get a fresh start? Who- Who will be there to help guide me in the right direction if I have no one in my life?”

There was no trace of hesitation as Harry said, voice deep and low, “You’ll always have someone.”

“Will I? I feel lost, Harry.” She blinked a few times, hoping to prevent possible tears from falling. “I’m so lost. Where do I even go from here? I don’t and can’t go back to how life used to be, where do I go?”

“Don’t go.”

She glanced up at him, the lamp beside them suddenly coming to life with a massive blink. Though the suddenness of the light had scared her, Harry’s words had been what got her heart racing. The light blinked in the direction of the sea, the other side from where they stood so Y/N couldn’t see it directly, only the dark back that was facing the mainland. However, she could not care less for the light as Harry stared back at her, right into her eyes, for the first time in what seemed like forever. She felt herself relax at the sight of him, but his words still reverberated through her head, making it spin slightly.

“What?”

“Don’t go,” he repeated, stepping away from the window. “Stay.”

Her arms fell to her sides. “You… You want me to stay in St Ives?”

It took a few seconds, as if he was building up the courage to say something he thought was obvious, but, seemingly, not so obvious to Y/N. “Yes.”

“But I…” She trailed off, blinking a few times as if she were trying to regain composure. “You’ve never said.”

“’Cause I’ve always been afraid of your reaction.”

“My… my reaction?”

“If it would scare you.”

“Why would that scare me?”

“’Cause someone telling you they care for you more than… more than they care for anyone else, and you not feeling the same way… I don’t want to scare you.”

Y/N was sure she had not heard him right. And if she had, she must have misinterpreted his statement, because surely he had not just said what she thought he said. The light blinked its usual pattern, lighting up the darkening bell room as the two just stood staring at one another.

“I thought you only felt like that for Emilia.”

Harry frowned, shaking his head as if what he’d just heard was absurd. “Emilia?”

“Well, then… then that you used to feel like that for her, that you two used to be close. I’ve been jealous of that, after all.”

“You’ve been jealous?” Harry’s eyes were wide, intently staring at Y/N as she continued to explain. “How do you mean?”

“Dunno…” Y/N said, knowing that she probably sounded like an absolute plonker. “You’ve always seemed pretty caught up on her. That you still have feelings for her.”

He studied her, mouth falling shut as he let his eyes scan her face, saying a soft, “I don’t.”

“But- But why do you blush when she’s around, then?”

At the mention of him blushing, a red colour appeared in his cheeks and he glanced away for a few seconds, running his hands through his hair. Y/N could not help a small smile on her lips, biting at the corner of her mouth to stop herself from doing so.

“I get flustered, don’t I? It’s not like I can help it,” Harry explained, gesturing at his face as he took a few steps forward. “She’s my ex, it’s weird being around her.”

“You act so shy, though. Isn’t that how you are around people you’re nervous in front of?”

“I acted like that with you as well, did you notice?”

Y/N felt a breath hitch in her throat, something about Harry admitting this made her entire body hot. Part of her did not believe this could be true, it was just too good, while the other urged her to keep going, see what happened next. She shook her head slightly. “I-I dunno.”

“I was so bloody nervous,” Harry said, chuckling a little to himself. “It was genuinely hard for me to form sentences ‘cause I didn’t want to make a right twit of myself, yeah? I just… I wanted to impress you so bad, but it was so hard.”

She pressed her lips together, heart hammering hard, hands feeling clammy with anticipation.

“I’m not nervous around you anymore, though.”

“You’re not?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I feel safe with you now. I don’t care that I make a fool of myself ‘cause you won’t mind.”

She smiled a little. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He gestured around him with a soft jerk of his chin. “You’re a light room.”

Y/N wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but stopped herself when their eyes met again. She wanted to walk to him, to be near him.

“It’s like…” Harry started, pausing for a few seconds before he went on. “It’s weird being around someone you thought meant a lot to you and you realise they didn’t. But with you… that’s…” He glanced at the ground again, tugging at the hem of his red jumper. “It’s different.”

She continued to just look at him, afraid that if she said anything he would stop.

“It’s… it’s like I… like-“ He cleared his throat, suddenly blushing uncontrollably, and it was as if he knew how ridiculous he must look because he let out a small laugh. “You were the prettiest woman I’d ever seen and I wanted to impress you, I didn’t want to embarrass myself and have you not want to be around me anymore.”

His eyes fell to her feet, moving up over her bare legs, landing on her tummy as he continued to find the words lost somewhere within him. He took a deep breath.

“I’m not good with words, so explaining how much you mean to me is hard, but I know that I… that you…” He drifted off again, meeting her eyes. “You were the person I wanted to be in the arms of at Terraland, when I was all shaken up ‘cause of that ride, not Emilia, no one else but you. And you’re the only person I want to be in the arms of right now, tomorrow, and probably every single day after that. I like it when you hold me, when you’re around. That’s all I know.” His eyes fell to her lips for a second, meeting her eyes as if he remembered that was forbidden territory. She had said as much. “I like it when we touch, everything seems at once much simpler but also so much more important and grander because of you.”

Biting her bottom lip, Y/N walked closer to Harry, and at the sight, he took two more steps closer as well, meeting right beside the lamp that was still occasionally lighting up the bell tower and the entire coast along with it. Standing right there in front of one another, something that could only resemble magic passed between them and circled around them, drawing them closer to one another. They were meant to be close, meant to be right here, with one another. It was wrong to be anywhere else than with Harry. She didn’t feel as lost when he was here; there was a sense of reason, of purpose, when they were together that was so great to the point of invention, there was no other way of explaining it. This, what was between then, was beyond anything. Limitless, unfathomable, immeasurable; infinite.

“I want to touch you,” Y/N said, her voice almost a whisper as she, once again, glanced at his lips.

“Touch me. Please.”

Slowly and gentler than she had ever been before, she placed her hand to his cheek, thumb stroking over the slight stubble before she slid the tips of her fingers to the back of his jaw and then forth again. He closed his eyes, leaning into her.

“Please, touch me,” he repeated, the breath of his pleading words falling against her hot wrist. “Never stop.”

She studied his face, loving the calming effect she had on him because it matched the one he had on her. Though he made her heart race and had her overthinking everything, he calmed her down and made her feel at peace. Exhilarated her and confused her; overwhelmed her and elated her. He made her feel everything all at once, and Y/N thought at last, wasn't that what love really was? When you felt like the feelings inside your body transcended everything, made you see everything around you in a new light? When it changed your world for the better?

Y/N’s hand slid down Harry’s cheek and his neck, and at the change, he opened his eyes to look at her again. She took another step forward, leading him toward her as her eyes fell to his lips, meeting his eyes as they hovered dangerously close to one another. The light blinked on and Y/N pressed her lips against Harry’s. They melted into each other instantly. Harry placed one of his hands to her neck and the other one to her hip, bringing her closer. She breathed against him, the rest of the world around them disappearing completely as they drew out the kiss.

His tongue traced her bottom lip, making a shiver run up her spine. Gently, she slipped her tongue into his mouth, making sure she did not overwhelm him, that it was okay. He instantly complied, stroking his against hers, swirling his around hers sensually, lighting Y/N on fire. She moaned into him, gripping at the hair at the back of his neck as their mouths opened wider, welcoming more of the other to enter and entrance them completely. She ran her other hand over his chest, wrapping it around him, while Harry’s slid down along her back, stopping just before he reached her bum, squeezing her a little as if he wasn’t mentally ready to go down there just yet tonight. The bell room continued to illuminate up, shining its guiding light out across the ocean, helping sailors home and to their final destinations. However, neither Y/N nor Harry could even remember where they really were as they continued to kiss one another. She felt his moan on her tongue, a slight whimper that he had not been able to hold back as they deepened the kiss. They instantly got more frantic; desperate, harder. She pushed against him more forcefully, wanting to taste and feel all of him.

For an instant, and what felt like for the first time since they had known each other, Harry took control. He pressed her against the bar with the lamp, keeping one hand on her neck, thumb at her chin, and the other on her waist. She gasped at the suddenness, her entire body aflame as Harry kissed along her jaw, tilting her head as to get better access. She could not help the contented sigh that left her lips, pushing him even closer to her, wrapping her left leg around his right one as to ensure he did not step away from her.

He whispered her name against her neck, leaving wet kisses along the skin that was exposed and that he could reach without removing the high neck of her jumper. He kissed the tip of her jaw, sucking lightly, and she could not hold back her whimper. It seemed to have had an effect on him that she herself had not anticipated, yet absolutely adored. Between them, pressed against her tummy, she could feel him. It seemed to have startled him as well, maybe not having anticipated it to happen that quickly, but he kissed along her neck again, seemingly not really caring anymore. He wanted her to know just how much power she held over him. He came back to her face, lips hovering above hers. They panted against one another, not letting each other go as the rain outside picked up, thunder rumbling in the distance, and the light that Y/N was pressed up again kept lighting up the ocean ahead.

“I, uhm…” Harry stared down, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry ‘bout… that.”

Y/N smiled, shaking her head slightly. “Don’t apologise for that.” She brought her leg further up, twining it more around him to bring him closer. As if it was instinctual, Harry reached for her thigh, helping her bring it up to his waist. She let out another sigh, loving how he drew closer to her in the process of yanking her leg up higher. Their eyes met again, and she leaned her forehead against his.

“I thought we agreed on a ‘no kissing rule’,” Harry mumbled, lips brushing against hers as he spoke. “I thought you didn’t want to kiss me.”

“I want to kiss you; I just don’t want it to be part of our fake relationship.”

“This has nothing to do with that.” He moved to kiss her again and spoke against her lips. “I need to ask you, though, before anything more happens.”

She watched him, the sight of him slightly blurry but she did not care.

“There’s… There’s a bed… downstairs if you'd be interested in… you know…”

She smiled.

“In what?”

Harry smiled, giggling a little as he leaned his forehead against hers again. “I don’t want there to be mixed signals, so I’m just… I’m just gonna fucking say it.”

“Say it.”

He gripped her knee tighter. “Do you want to have sex with me? ‘Cause I… I mean, it’s not the sexiest way to go about it, just asking like that, but I… it’s very obvious that I would like- very much like to… you know, if you’d like. I don’t want to-“

She chuckled and Harry stopped talking, smiling at her. “I think asking is very sexy. Mixed signals aren’t sexy.”

“You’re right.”

She leaned in, pressing a light kiss to his lips.

“Flower,” he mumbled, voice rasping ever so slightly, making heat instantly pool between her thighs. “Would you let me make you feel good?”

“Do you think you can?”

Harry met her eyes, a crooked smile coming to his lips. “I’ve had no complaints before.”

“No complaints from Emilia?”

A slight furrow appeared between his brows before it lifted, his smile came back and it got wider. “You really were jealous of her.”

“She got to be close to you.”

“Well,” Harry said, eyes fluttering to her lips. “You’re close to me now. You’re closer to me than anyone’s ever been before.”

Y/N squeezed him closer, biting her lip before she said, “Yes.”

“You… you want to go downstairs?”

“Yes.”

Harry’s smile grew so wide it was hard for him to fight just how giddy he was getting at her words. He stepped away from her, taking her hand in his. They left the blinking bell room, climbing down the ladder, Harry securing the hatch before he turned to face Y/N again. Once they were in the near darkness of that room, they kissed again, desperate to feel one another again. This happened almost on every single floor – pressing each other up against a wall, needy to feel, to taste, to be close – as they could simply not help themselves.

Once they reached the floor, Y/N instantly recognised the door and where they were headed. On her first trip to the lighthouse, she had seen a bed in that room, the door had been half open, but Harry had closed it on their way down. Now, Harry opened it for her, letting her inside. It was tiny. A twin bed stood at the far end, its white sheets made neatly over it, while the desk – which stood perched right under a small window that was being attacked by harsh rain - was filled with photographs of Harry’s family. Him, Amos, Jessa, and Grace. There was a dresser with a vase on top, a bouquet of dead flowers in it that it seemed Harry had forgotten completely about.

Harry closed the door behind them. “This used to be my dad’s room. When it was stormy, he’d stay in here. The door sometimes opens on its own, logically I know it’s just a draught, but…” He shrugged his shoulders and Y/N knew what he meant.

Instead of focusing on that – because they could talk about this in the morning – Y/N said, “Kiss me.”

Harry wasted no time. He marched over to her, pressing his lips hard against hers as he started walking her backwards toward the bed. He let her lay down first, taking her rain boots off before she wiggled up to the top, watching as Harry crawled his way up to her, hovering his lips over hers as to tempt her. She tried to lean up to kiss him since he was taking too long, but he moved further away.

“Twat.”

He chuckled, grinning down at her. “How long do you think you can stand not kissing me?”

She brought her hand up to his neck, bringing him down towards her lips. They kissed again – finally. She felt Harry smile against her lips.

“Needy.”

“You were taking too long.”

“You just can’t get enough of me, can you?”

She wanted to roll her eyes at him, but he was correct. She wrapped her legs around him, bringing his core down onto hers. Harry groaned into her; his erecting cock pressed against her heat. He melted into her instantly, burying his hands in her hair.

“Neither can you,” she whispered back, making Harry let out a breathy chuckle.

“I also just want to make it clear,” he said against her lips. “If anything I do is not working, doesn’t do anything for you, doesn’t feel good, or if you want to try something new, a new position or anything like that, tell me, yeah?”

She smiled, nodding her head as they kept kissing. “Yeah. Same goes for you.”

“Do you have a favourite position?”

Y/N froze a little, thinking to herself and blushing when Harry looked down at her.

“What?” he asked.

“I’ve… only ever really done two.”

“Two… positions?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s fine, did you enjoy them?”

“Yeah, I did. Sex was never really been about enjoyment as much as it was about closeness.”

Harry furrowed his brows. “You should enjoy sex, Y/N.”

“I know, I know. I just… I used to set fire to myself to keep others warm. I realised that was not what I should be doing, which is why I ended up in St Ives. With you. Here.”

Harry leaned down again, pressing a lingering and deep kiss to her lips. “You will enjoy yourself and feel real fucking good tonight, yeah? We’ll find something that works for both of us.”

She smiled. “Time will tell.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I’ll feel real fucking good.”

Harry halted a little as he heard that word slip from her lips. He had never heard it before. She felt the effect it had on him against her. “I’ll show you, flower.”

He reached down to the hem of her jumper and the two got it off her, throwing it to the floor before they started kissing again. She wrapped her legs around him again, resting her heels at the top of his bum, urging him closer to her. Slowly and deliberately, Harry grinded against her, revealing them both of a small fraction of pleasure, increasing the anticipation that was building in the air around them. Hard against her most delicate spot. She felt a desperate need to reach for him, to feel him right there, as ready for her as she was for him, but she liked this much better. Feeling him moan against her, the slow waves of his hips as he stroked his growing erection against the heat between her legs that was aching. His promise lingered in the back of her head, making her nipples perk at the thought. You will enjoy yourself and feel real fucking good tonight.

Harry’s hand slipped down the front of her white summer dress, lingering over her breast where he felt her already hard nipple. He squeezed her breast, bringing what he could of the nipple between his index and middle finger, squeezing lightly as he started kissing down her jaw. An uncontrollable moan left her mouth as he kissed her neck, chest, between her covered breasts. She felt hot all over as he kissed his way down, leaving no spot untouched by his swollen lips. He reached her thighs, kissing up her right one, leaving wet spots that got cold in the crisp air of the lightkeeper room.

“Turn over,” he said, sitting up on his knees to make the process easier for her.

She did as he told her to without hesitation. Again, he leaned over her, nose nuzzling her hair as he kissed her exposed shoulder. Each one of the kisses he trailed down her shoulder place, and back felt like a declaration of love; felt like a promise of forever, of safe keeping. Right in that moment, she realised she had never felt more appreciated or more turned on. She felt so seen, so important, as Harry kept kissing her back, sucking on her skin, humming moans of absolute delight into her that made goosebumps appear all over her. He reached for the zipper of her dress, kissing her shoulder before he whispered, “Okay if I undress you?”

“Please.”

Harry unzipped her dress, leaving a lingering kiss to her shoulder as he shoved both the straps off her shoulders. She took them off, letting the dress hang loosely over her breasts. Just because she felt like it, she lifted her arse off the bed, pressing it against Harry’s hard-on. It took him off guard and he gasped a little into her ear, but quickly took a grip around her waist. He pressed down hard on her, parting her bumcheeks as his protruding cock could now be seen, and felt, outside his denim shorts.

“Fuck,” he breathed as he grinded against her. His hands slipped down further, hovering over her centre, laying a slight pressure on her over her dress and knickers that was exactly what Y/N needed right then.

“Harry,” she whimpered, feeling him moan at her utterance.

“Dreamed about you saying my name like that,” he mumbled, kissing her shoulder again. “Sound even fucking better than I could’ve imagined.”

He placed more pressure on her, making her gasp and throw her head back slightly, leaning it against Harry’s beside her. They grinded against one another, absolutely lost in this seductive dance that they would have no problem doing forever. Panting a little, Harry kissed her shoulder again, knowing that they could not go on like that, no matter how much they wanted, because he would surely not be able to handle much of it before finishing. The heat between Y/N’s legs was excruciating, she could barely take it as Harry pulled her dress completely off her, exposing her naked back to him.

“On your knees.”

She did as he demanded, getting on her knees in the bed as Harry positioned himself right behind her. He ran his hands over her wet knickers, wanting to properly feel all of her now that he finally had her there. It sent a lightening up her spine, making her moan as he reached her bud, flicking it slowly. He kissed the outside of her knickers before he ran his tongue over her, the hot wetness of him on her made her gasp, sweet torture that she both welcomed and hated. Hooking his fingers under the hem of her knickers, he slid them over her bum and down her legs, and. Again, she felt cold as her wet skin was exposed to the chill room they were in, Harry’s ragged breaths didn’t exactly make it better. She whimpered slightly as she felt his breath go from cold to hot, she could feel the heat of his body radiating against her cunt and bum. With help of her hands, she raised, looking over her shoulder at him to see him there, only his eyes visible as he hovered in front of her.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Y/N,” he whispered, planting a kiss to her bum before he went back to the place she had just been. “I’ll make you come, flower.”

“Actions speak louder than words,” she said, panting slightly in anticipation.

Harry smiled at her, she thought she saw a slight wink before he hovered back over her centre. She was about to tell him to just get on with it when she felt his tongue, hot and wet and hard, between her folds. She gasped again, closing her eyes at the impact. He licked up between her folds first, making sure to taste every last bit of her as he had thought about this for so long. He started off with a light pressure on her clit, licking around it, sometimes over it, driving Y/N absolutely insane. He slowly built up the pressure, making sure he did not overwhelm her, staying focused on the clit the entire time. He wrapped his lips around it, sucking lightly, something that made Y/N throw her head back, letting go of a loud moan that had Harry humming into her.

“Yes,” she gasped, fists buried in the white sheets under her.

He let go of her bud, licking up around the clit again, then over it, flicking it quickly while tipping his head to the side. She bit her bottom lip, looking over her shoulder at Harry as he continued to eat her out, eyes closed as if he was eating the feast of his life. Once again, he wrapped his lips around her clit, sucking lightly at first and building his pressure. Whimpering and panting, Y/N kept looking at Harry, the sight of him behind her like that, doing everything in his power to make her feel good – and succeeding – was so bloody hot.

When she had made her way up here today in the rain, she had never in her wildest dream this was where she would end up. On all fours, Harry seated behind her, eating her out. She had thrown away any hope of him even feeling a smudge of what she felt for him, but tonight, up in the light room, everything changed. Everything they said, and how they opened up to one another. She felt quite literally euphoric; static with adoration and completely engrossed in everything he did.

Harry moved up, slipping his tongue inside her hole, hands sliding down her thighs as he penetrated her. She swallowed thickly, biting at her bottom lip before she met his eyes.

“Doesn’t do anything.”

“Hm?” He moved up, eyes wide as he licked around his lips. “My tongue in you?”

“Yeah. Feels like you’re mushing mash into me.”

Harry laughed, resting his forehead against her bum as he shook, she chuckled as well.

“Don’t hold back,” he said.

“Sorry.”

“No, I’m glad you told me, flower.”

“Also,” she said as he started licking her again, she gasped slightly. “Can we switch? I want to watch you properly.”

Harry blinked slowly, smiling at her as he emerged. “Gladly.”

She turned around, placing herself on her back, Harry stopped to take her in, eyes gliding over her naked body in front of him. He cupped her face in his hands, kissing her deeply as he ran his hands over her tits, squeezing them just hard enough before he lowered them and himself. He positioned himself exactly where he’d been, spreading her legs wider for him.

He sucked on her clit again, this time pushing a finger into her. She instantly moaned loudly, burying her hands in his hair. Harry wrapped an arm around her thigh, holding her in place as he continued to lick at her clit, curving his finger ever so slightly as to make her feel the best she possibly could. She squirmed under him, her orgasm coming on much faster in this position than the last, streaming down her legs, her torso, towards the centre between her thighs where Harry was sucking at her most sensitive spot, pounding his finger into her. She tugged at his hair as she could feel it coming on closer.

“Harry,” she moaned and at once he reached up outside her thigh, cupping her breast in his large hand.

He ran a thumb over her nipples as he flicked at her clit, finger still buried inside her, watching as she started moving and panting and whimpering more and more. He moved his finger faster and sucked her bud, which was exactly what Y/N needed, she cried out, moving her hips with Harry’s fingers. He squeezed her breast, and she met his eyes, seeing his dark green eyes under his long lashes, drinking in the sight of her. He suddenly hit a spot that had fires erupt in her lower tummy. Y/N gasped and let out another loud moan, whimpering under Harry as he licked and fucked her through her orgasm. She did not take her eyes off him and he did not look away from her, ordering her to keep watching till she was completely down from her euphoria.

Y/N was sprawled out panting, smiling as Harry came up to hover above her. She took a grip of his neck, kissing him deeply. He tasted of her.

“I’ll go get a condom in the cottage,” he mumbled. “I-If that’s alright with you, of course. We don’t have-“

“-I want to.”

“Alright. Brilliant.” He stumbled as he got up from the bed in a hurry. “I’ll-I’ll be right back, yeah? Don’t move! I’ll-“ He looked over his shoulder as he stood in the open doorway, a huge sigh leaving his lips as his eyes wandered over her naked body. He shook his head slightly, letting out a chuckle of disbelief. “Fuckin’ hell,” he mumbled before running down the stairs and out of the lighthouse.

It did not take long for him to come back, condom in hand and panting as if he’d been sprinting back and forth. He closed the door again, placing the condom on the corner of the desk beside the bed, crawling back over her again.

“Been away from this for too long,” he mumbled, running a hand over her curves. “And your tits are bloody fantastic, by the way.”

She laughed at him, swatting his shoulder as he reached for the hem of his jumper and tee shirt, bringing both over the top of his head and throwing them to the floor.

“I’d been looking forward to doing that,” Y/N said.

“What, undress me?”

“Yes.”

His eyes seemed to darken a bit. “Take off the rest.”

And she did. Keeping eye contact, she reached for the front of his denim shorts, undoing the button and unzipping him. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, the slight pressure and caress of her fingers against his anticipating and hard prick seemed to do more to him than she thought it would. She hooked her finger around the band of his shorts and boxers, wiggling them down his hips till they were far enough down for him to do the rest. One hand supporting his weight, he used the other one to help her take his clothes off, but her eyes fell to his cock immediately.

It wasn’t like she had thought of it before. Yes, she might’ve had some dreams and daydreams involving Harry and her doing some very filthy things, but she hadn’t really let herself think about his prick. But there it was, and she felt absolutely giddy with anticipation now. She wanted to have proper sex with him; she wanted it so, so bad.

Harry reached for the condom, tearing it open and putting it on, hand sliding down his shaft and to the pubic hair at the very bottom. Seeing the slight trail from his navel and down to it made her mouth water.

“You alright?” Harry asked, that crooked smile on his lips making Y/N’s cheeks heat up. She was already flustered all over, she did not need him looking at her like that. He knew she had been looking and now he was taking the piss. As usual.

“How do you want me?” he asked, voice husky.

She bit her bottom lip, cocking her head to the side. “I dunno.”

He groaned, hovering closer to her lips. She felt him against her sensitive spot, making her gasp. “What can I have?”

She tugged at the hair at the nape of his neck. “I want to be on top.”

That crooked smile came forth again, his dimples deepening. “Yes, ma’am.”

Taking a grip of her waist, he rolled around, making her lay on top of him. His head was on the pillow, right where hers had just been, so Y/N sat up. She took a grip of him, making Harry’s lips part at the impact. He gripped her thighs that were straddling either side of his hips, squeezing her lightly as encouragement. She sat up, bringing him to her, sliding him over the wetness he had caused. He let out a shaky breath, looking to be just as nervous as Y/N felt. She slid down onto him slowly, Harry’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Fuck,” he hissed, and Y/N gasped again.

“Harry,” she said, a little breathless already. “I’ve… I’ve never been on top before.”

He smiled. “That’s fine, here-“ He placed his hands on her hips, urging her to move. She followed his lead, biting her bottom lip hard as her clit rubbed against his pelvic area. “That’s it.”

She continued to grind against him, moving her hips as he was instructing her. Placing her hands on his chest for support, she started moving a little hard, with a little more purpose, Harry’s hands on her thighs a grounding and intense pressure.

“Keep doing that,” he encouraged, letting a moan slip from between his swollen lips. She rolled her hips, loving the filthy sounds they made as the rain kept on crashing against the window. They continued to look into each other’s eyes, not daring to look away as if it would bring them back to reality. Because this was too good to be true. Never before in her life had Y/N felt like this. She felt powerful as she rode Harry, felt a sort of strength in her that had never been present before. It had never been like this with Dominic; it had never been this intense. He hadn’t demanded she order him around, hadn’t been willing or suggested to try new things, hadn’t really done it like this. Harry looked at her as if the world revolved around her alone. As if the centre of the solar system was right here, and he was watching the sun about to eclipse, watching one of the most beautiful and magnificent moments in time. He gripped into her with feverish hands, coming with suggestions every once in a while, always letting her know just how good she was making him feel.

“That’s right,” he moaned as she moved her hips in circles. “Right there. Don’t stop.”

That might just have been the sexiest thing she had ever heard along with his moans. She continued doing exactly what she was doing, feeling her entire body heating up as she could sense her second orgasm that evening. Thinking about it, she wasn’t sure she had ever come twice in one night before. Maybe it was Harry, maybe it was the moment, maybe it was the fact that her and Harry were finally letting their guard down, admitting that there was something else between them besides their fake relationship. People who fake dated each other did not kiss like that, they did not have sex, they did not look at each other like it was all they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. No, this was more than what they had let on. Way more.

Harry sat up, making Y/N fall against his chest as he bent his knees ever so slightly. He placed one hand on her bum and the other on the mattress behind him as to help him move more swiftly. With each stroke over him, Harry thrusted back into her, rubbing at her bud each time and making everything around her seem much more colourful.

“Like that do you?” Harry asked, mouth parted as he panted into her wet lips.

She nodded her head, taking a grip of his shoulders to better move her hips. They moved together, looking into each other’s eyes as the rest of the world disappeared completely around them. The rain, the thunder, the buzzing of the light from upstairs turning on and turning off, it was all tuned out. Harry leaned down, placing one of his hands on her left breast to kneed it seductively. He kissed from her collarbone and down to her breast, sucking and nibbling lightly on her skin as he made his way to her nipple. Sucking it lightly, he looked up at Y/N who was squeezing his shoulders, telling him to keep going. Electricity shot from her tits and down her spine, heating up the fire that was building in her core. He closed his eyes as he sucked and kissed her tits, humming into her and making her moan time and time again. It felt so fucking good. Though she moved a little awkwardly, though they made some sounds together that made both of them laugh and heat up, though they were still trying to figure out what the other liked, this was still the best either had ever had.

As he was closing in on his finish, Harry wrapped both arms around her, bringing her closer to him. They kissed, desperate pleads and whimpers left each of their mouths as everything started setting on fire. Harry moved his hips with her, she tried to continue to move hers along with him, her hips shaking a little with the effort. Harry’s lips parted completely all of a sudden, a furrow appearing between his brows, and she felt it. He twitched against her and she continued to grind her hips, moving him through his orgasm. Looking deep into her eyes, he seemed to completely melt away when she kissed his bottom lip, sighing against him as she herself started getting closer to her second orgasm as well.

“I’ll help you,” Harry said. “I’ll use my hand, if you want?”

“Yes, please.”

He removed his cock from inside her, meeting her eyes as his thumb circled her clit again. Y/N gasped, gripping both sides of Harry’s neck. His lips parted at the pressure, grinning up at her. He brought his other hand forward, slipping his index and ring finger into her while his other thumb continued to flick at her clit. At once she moaned, looking into his eyes as this brought her closer to her climax, fast. She moved with his hand, moaning louder and louder as the fire inside her tummy intensified, feeling even greater than the time before. Harry curled his finger just as he leaned down, sucking on her nipple again, looking up at her through hooded eyes.

Everything exploded and she threw her head back, unable to stop herself. The sound of Harry pounding into her at a fast speed, wet and filthy, echoed through the room with her exclamation of euphoria. Harry continued till she was completely done, watching her as she closed her eyes, breathing heavily above him. Gently, he removed his fingers from inside her, bringing them up to his mouth to lick them clean just as she opened her eyes again.

Y/N felt at peace. Her heart was still thundering away inside her chest, her soul was still intermingled with Harry’s, and they would not let go of one another. They didn’t need that lamp, they didn’t need a lighthouse, they could light up everything on their own. She was sure that at some point tonight, while their bodies grinded together and worked toward climax, they had lit up like the sun. What was going on between them, the cellular reaction, the emotional connection, the physical attraction, it all equated to something. It had to. What this was, was greater than either of them individually. This would forever be marked on their souls. Meeting Harry, spending this summer with him, it had shaped her into a brand-new person. That was, Y/N reminded herself, what love was all about after all. Change for the better.

Harry got a cloth not long after, helping clean Y/N up before they both slipped under the duvet in the lightkeeper room, squished together as the bed was way smaller than what they were used to. Harry ran his hand from Y/N’s cheek and up to her shoulder, his eyes following his hand’s movement.

“I fucking worship you, Y/N,” Harry mumbled, the rain still pouring outside. He caressed his fingers gently over her jawline.

She moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. They both closed their eyes and Y/N felt sleep coming closer. She felt so incredibly content, cuddled up to Harry and with the storm raging outside. A couple a seconds away from falling asleep, Harry started whispering against her forehead.

“Play fair with my heart, yeah?” It seemed like he thought she was asleep. That it was safe to say this. “’Cause I’m gonna fall in love with you. You don’t have to love me back, but I’m telling you now, ‘cause it’s inevitable, at one point, I’ll love you. Madly, truly, completely. Just… please… break my heart gently.”

Before she was able to form any sort of reply, she fell asleep.

A/N: If you wonder what the melody Harry wrote for that day spent in St Austell with Y/N and Gracie sounds like, I imagine it goes something like this 🥰

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday, 25 October, 9PM GMT!

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[sunlit-cashmere]

i’m in 11th and am planning to study physics in college because i really like physics. but i can’t shake the thought that i won’t be able to do it cause i’m already finding it so hard to prepare for jee. is loving physics enough to get me through college? should i go for it or should i think about it more? are te study topics even mildly similar to what they teach in 11th and 12th?

also do you think it’s easier to get placement for engineering fields or for applied physics in india? and are physicists in demand? or will i have job problems because of not going for engineering?

also i’m an intp too and good luck with your studies!

Hi!

Those are very tough questions 😅. Okay first of all, I was a shitty student too, I got 75% in my boards, obv didn’t get DU (I didn’t give JEE because I knew I didn’t want to do engineering at all). I struggled in the first year of my college too but eventually I figured out how to study physics. But I chose to study because I loved it and I’d known for a while that’s what I wanna do so I just went for it, granted I’m not the most remarkable physicist I still struggle with a lot of concepts but I am working on them and I know I’m on my way to becoming better, jobs, idk what’s gonna happen and I’m choosing to focus on how good a physicsist I am at the moment instead of worrying about what I’ll do because if I can be better at my subject and improve constantly, that has to account for something on the job front.

There is a good chance that you’re struggling because you don’t know how to study this subject. I have mentioned time and again on these types of asks that knowing what your formula really means and how to apply it is the most important step of understanding physics.

You’re in 11th grade, you have time to really know your subject. Do your derivations, don’t mug them up, know why you used a particular formula to get to another step. Like when you need to take out the electric field on a point due to a ring, that forms you basics on how to solve for other types of shapes, you know what I mean? Basically every topic has a way to approach problems, you can’t just write down the formula and be like now what (which is what I used to do). You need to know HOW to approach the problems which mostly comes from derivations like electric field due to a ring or how to calculate the moment of interia. Once you know the concept of how to solve that, you can calculate for any object and then when you can do that, you can take out the angular momentum of any object from any arbitrary reference point. Notice how you went from MI of a sphere to how to calculate the angular momentum of a rolling sphere in reference to a point on the ground (let’s say). So those derivations that you do in class builds up basis for more complex problems.

Since you’re in 11th, solve HC Verma, it is the best best book at your level to really clear up your basics, those little gaps in your knowledge that you didn’t even know you had. Every question you’re not able to solve, see how it’s done and know WHY it’s done that way, like, to find out the potential energy of a body under free fall, we all know the formula, mgh but if the height from which a body is falling is comparable to the radius of the earth, you can’t use mgh. So, question why you got your approach wrong.

As far as taking engg or applied physics is concerned, I’ve seen a lot of btech kids who took btech because they didn’t know what else to do or their parents told them to, a lot of them aren’t really interested in their subjects and if you’re not into what you’re doing it’s incredibly hard to be good at it. Engg has a lot of jobs but it also has a lot of people, Physics unfortunately does not have a lot jobs and you have to be the best of the best in India to be working in the govt. sector. India hardly has any applied physics courses, DU has electronics which is the closest to applied here. The field that is in demand right now is nanotechnology, so you can go for that if you’re interested through either a btech or physics honours.

Although btech opens more options because sadly here it’s considered better than an honours. After your degree, almost everything in India is based on entrance exams so if you take up something that you don’t end up liking you can switch easily. Btech degree is eligible for basically every exam, like you can do a btech and go for MSc but I THINK you can’t do a bsc and then do MTech (check out the criteria for GATE).

I would say, go for something you like even if you think you’re bad at it BUT only if you’re willing to work hard. If you’re bad at something you like, you have to work harder than the rest of them to be good at it, btech and bsc are equally tough, btech is just more hands on.

And yes. The first year of college, they try to bridge the gap between school and college so they will teach similar stuff, physics is all the same right? It’s just gonna be a few steps higher from what you’re doing rn. Keep studying for JEE don’t beat yourself up because it IS very hard. After boards, you can decide what you want to do, if you’re staying in India, ofc for abroad you have to start thinking abhi. I can’t tell you what you should take, but whatever out of the two you take and don’t end up liking, you can change it, if not during during undergrad, for post grad you can (again pls look up GATE requirements first). Engg does have more placements, I only got three companies for placements while btech got lots, so if you wanna work straight after undergrad, btech is probably better.

Good luck!! And I’m sorry if this was toooo long 💙💙💙 you can hmu in private if you have any questions

[obaewankenope]

on the ranking of angels

the whole ranking of angels kinda comes from one guy: pseudo-dionysius the areopagite from 5th century ad, this dude gave us the basis for ranking angels in groups, levels, grades, choirs etc

we don’t really know who tf he was since he literally just made himself out to be some psuedo version of dionysius (because we obviously needed another dionysius in human history) and i’d love to time travel and kick him in the nads if i could.

anyway. so yeah. ranking angels. 

my upbringing is catholic and i went to communion and read that godsawful bible and blah-blah and so on so like, a lot of my own understanding stems from that and then the deranged Research Frenzies i’m known for. this means i’ve done learning about this topic and generally, i feel like there’s a bit of a... misunderstanding in the good omens fandom as to where aziraphale, crowley (as raphael or not), gabriel and co seem to land in terms of ranks and power levels.

cherubim, seraphim, archangels... fancy words we sort of know but don’t really Get. time to get em.

.

F I R S T  S P H E R E

saraph/seraph-im:

according to tradition, these boys are top dog in christian theology but fifth in jewish. my memory serves to remind me that archangels are also seraphim and that the three main types of angels are cherubs, saraph, and thrones with the other spheres being more titles for them to have on top of that. i’ve read online where the archangels michael, gabriel, and samael/lucifer are either saraph or cherubs but this is... well, thanks to pseudo-dionysius, not exactly easy to frickin’ parse. the book of isaiah describes saraphs as having six wings (two on the back, two hiding the face, two at the feet/genitals).

this means that gabriel, lucifer, michael, uriel and even sandalphon (dude why no ‘iel’ on the end, it’s sad) are higher ranks than aziraphale in terms of sheer power even if they may be outranked by aziraphale regarding humans proper. make sense? nope? not surprising.

cherub-im:

cherubs attend to god and are also kinda shoved into the joyous role of guarding eden. in jewish theology, cherubs are either second or third lowest ranked (eighth or ninth) compared to the saraphs who are middle of the way. it’s from cherubs -- described in the book of ezekiel -- that we have that many faced, multi-winged conception of angels btw. usually a lion, ox, human, and eagle to represent all types of animals (where’s the snake you say? crowley nicked it... probably). thanks to some later western christian traditions we kinda see cherubs as plump, little, babies with those bows with love-heart arrows (probably crowley’s doing to piss aziraphale off). cherubs do have two pairs of wings (four in total) compared to the six that saraphs have, making them different at least there.

so aziraphale being a cherub makes sense. but he’s gonna be second-tier to saraphs like gab’ and co thus he does still obey gabriel as and when required--only in regards to humans can aziraphale kinda disobey because principality trumps archangel with humans but again, gabriel has more pull in heaven and can still punish him (plus gabriel is an asshole in the show and is Just Like That)

thrones aka ophanim:

these fellas are kinda just guards of gods throne. they’re called thrones or galgalim (refers to ezekiel’s wheels during his vision of the chariot). a dead sea scroll calls them angels and puts them below saraphs and cherubs while the book of enoch says they never sleep (like saraphs and cherubs) and guard god’s throne. i can’t really find any names ascribed to this group but are associated with meting out divine justice and maintain cosmic harmony.

i can only imagine how Done they are with crowley over him stopping time...

.

i’m just gonna straight up skip the second sphere because, well; dominions organise lower angels and keep things ticking over; virtues are the sign post makers of divine shit; and powers/authorities just watch a lot and keep things running along on a cosmic scale. so, administrators. literally. poor civil servants of heaven. they probably don’t even get a decent pay.

.

the third sphere is what we’re interested in anyway, because of the whole “principalities outrank archangels tho” stuff. so here we are

.

T H I R D  S P H E R E

principalities:

principalities/rulers are guides and protectors of nations and institutions. so you’d have a principality guarding the catholic church, one covering the orthodox church, another who deals with maybe protecting italy and so on. aziraphale is the principality of the eastern gate of eden, that- that’s a pretty big thing. principalities wear crowns and carry sceptres, and carry out the orders given to them by upper sphere angels.

in canon, aziraphale is a principality, but i can’t recall him being called anything. i’m not sure if it’s fandom deciding here’s a cherub or not, ignoring the spheres or not, or whatever, but he doesn’t Really rank above gabriel. gaiman himself made a note of the difference between Archangels and archangels - the capital A makes the difference. so see seraphs as Archangels and third sphere archangels as the generic boys. 

in my mind, gabriel and michael -- as pretty much the only really named archangels in christian theology -- are the Archangels whilst sandalphon and uriel are archangels. so aziraphale can ignore two of the four but not michael or gabriel outright (we’re not discussing the disobedience by avoidance tactic he employs a lot). expanding the Archangel category to include maybe Raphael (angel of healing) and Azrael (angel of death) works too, but generally, aziraphale can’t disobey direct orders from them because they are his bosses. unless -- and this is the thing -- it comes to something involving His Specific Principality. but being the principality of eden is... well, eden doesn’t exist anymore. some major mental gymnastics would be required for aziraphale to decide Earth Is Eden Thus Earth Is My Principality SUCK IT GABRIEL and ignore heaven... actually... this might well explain a fair amount of his behaviour lmao. someone else can play with That tho. 

archangels:

funnily enough, archangels aren’t mentioned in the bible more than two or three times. in christianity, gabriel is called an archangel but there’s actually nothing in the bible to support that. michael is called an archangel in the new testament tho. the word means “chief angel” coming from greek archein for first in rank or power -- hence why it’s a bit odd for archangels to be ranked below others. archangel is only ever a singular term and used Only for michael btw. 

but in the book of tobit/tobias, we get an archangel raphael, an archangel uriel is also brought up in anglican and russian orthodox religions. raphael isn’t really considered a Canon angel outside of roman catholicism (my lot btw), eastern orthodox and anglicans, whilst uriel isn’t mentioned in the western christian bible at all. 

raphael gives us the idea of seven archangels btw - from the book of tobit where he says he’s “one of the seven who stand before the Lord”. 

in the books of enoch and revelations, we’re told that there are seven spirits of god that stand before the throne and some interpretations have the seven archangels as those seven spirits.

depending on the theological tradition, the names of the archangels vary. the ones i know of as roman catholic are gabriel, michael, and raphael (lucifer doesn’t count bc he’s fallen obvs), whereas eastern orthodox has seven and even an extra one depending: michael, gabriel, raphael, uriel, selaphiel/salathiel, jegudiel/jehudiel, barachiel, and jerahmeel/jeremiel.

the names vary depending on what faith you are but, generally, the three most common are gabriel, michael, and raphael - who are described as seraphim or cherubim and archangels as like their job title.

angels:

regular dudes. i cba even going Into This One Okay?

.

so all of this means that aziraphale is second to gabriel no matter what unless he does some awesome mental gymnastics and claims earth as eden and argues it’s his job to oversee it as fit (just imagine the vein in gabriel’s head popping from That Conversation).

aziraphale is definitely powerful, he’d have to be as a principality of eden - it’s kind of a Big Deal to be in charge of eden, even if you might share the job with three others - but he’s not quite as powerful as an archangel who is basically the second in command of heaven after god.

unless, as i’ve said, aziraphale draws on his position as a principality and uses That over gabriel who seems very set on his “i’m the fucking archangel gabriel” spiel lmao.

so yeah. this is just A Thing for me. idk if any one else feels this way about it all or not, but you can ignore me about all of this. i’m not an Authority on it and honestly, this is more to make sense of it all For Myself than to Tell Ya’ll How It Ought To Be.

[totopopopo]

As a religious literature scholar in training I do have the ability to write a thesis about how Jon and Martin are symbolically Adam and Eve — wait hear me out — not in the dry “heterosexual chokehold on love symbolism” way , but like in a very relevant and positive light going forward in season five. No fuck it I wanna write this before I forget. Like the cannon imagery SUPPORTS this okay so like you know when Jon is going into the buried to get Daisy, he gets jarad to pull out his rib so that he has a part of himself, a tether to the world, so that he can bring her back out from the buried. But what ends up being the ACTUAL thing that allows him to re-emerge from the buried? The tapes of his statements piled on the coffin! And who piled those statements on the coffin? MARTIN. Martin is functionally doing the job of Jon’s Literal Actual Rib, acting as his tether to sanity. (And again, we see this in the most recent episode: “you’re my reason” -> Martin is his tether in the way his removed rib.) so OBVS this is like. obviously this can readily be equated to Adam and Eve in that Eve is made out of a rib that God pulls out of Adam in the same way Jarad pulls Jon’s rib out (does that make a fleshy avatar man God? That’s a thought for another day). And yeah there’s lots of meh interpretations u can draw from that abt how women were made from men and what that says abt their autonomy and stuff (which are super important interpretations that should be discussed, but they’re not the only interpretations you can draw and I’m using a BETTER one) but one thing that’s really emphasized in some interpretations about the rib is that Eve and Adam are literally Of One Flesh, are linked inextricably and can love each other with an intimacy unlike any other. If u get rid of autonomy bc that doesn’t MATTER rn in this point I’m making about Jon and Martin, Martin as Jon’s rib as Eve is a symbol of just how powerful their bond is to each other. Of one flesh. Which is the only way they’re gonna be able to get thru the apocalypse together, right, that’s what 167 was all about. BUT so this brings me to the last stanza of paradise lost, which is fucking KEY to the point I’m trying to make. So the very end of paradise lost, Adam and Eve are getting kicked out of Eden right, they’re walking through to the eastern gates. They’re leaving this world, the only world they ever knew, the world they belonged in, and are facing a remade, completely new world, this one full of fears and pain and suffering. In this world they will be exposed to pain, to hunger, to disease, to sorrow, to death... and they have nothing left except each other. So then the book ends

“they looking back, all the eastern side beheld / of Paradise, so late their happy seat, / waved over by that flaming brand, the gate / with dreadful faces thronged and fiery arms: / some natural tears they dropped, but wiped them soon; / the world was all before them, where to choose / their place of rest, and providence their guide: / they hand in hand with wandering steps and slow, / through Eden took their solitary way” (XII, 641-9).

Right so I mean I don’t need to spell out how Jon and Martin are similar to that, right? Like here they are facing a new world full of fears manifest, a world of torture and suffering and pain unlike anything else, and here they are, setting out together, with only each other, moving forward because that’s all they can do. Because this world is unalterable. BUT HERES THE THING. Paradise lost, it ends on an optimistic, hopeful note among this great great tragedy. Adam and Eve , their future is uncertain, and the only thing they know for Sure is that this world has changed permanently to something worse. But they keep going, and BECAUSE of their bond, BECAUSE of their love, BECAUSE they are each other’s tethers, they will be able to make it through. Somehow.

TL:DR I love paradise lost I love rubbing my gay fingers all over the genesis story I love the magnus archives: Martin and Jon are Adam and Eve in their voyage into a new unknown horrific world, but it’s okay because ,, their love makes em capable of it

[birdly-vagabond]

What can you tell us about Avian-4? Things about him or things he doesn't know?

((This is gonna be fun! Okay! so))

He wasn’t rezed as an exo! He was a human. His name is Michael Avian Faulkner and he used to be a Trauma Nurse. thats the ID badge he had on him. He was gonna go back to school to be a doctor

He’s a bit spacey, bit naive and will probably believe anything you say if you say it confidently enough till he really thinks about it.

Vagabond. He’s never in once place for long unless it’s the tower. He might spend days there. He always has somewhere to be and has things to find that he doesn’t even know he’s looking for

Kind of a cartographer at this point. maps out all the nooks and crannies he finds himself in, things he found there, ect. Always has like. 8 maps on him at any given time.

A bit forgetful for only being at 4. “I need to finish killing some Cabal with Ikelos.” “What for?” “.....I don’t. remember. but I know it’s something i need to do.”

Will 100% get lost all of the time. its why he started making maps. “Where are you?” “I....don’t know. I’m in a cave. somewhere. There was a vex gate and now it’s gone” “What planet?” “Good question”

Likes bones probably too much for his own good

He collects coins! old coins, new coins, his favourite is the Sixpence piece

Better as a support/healer than a fighter. he does great in the back lines keeping people alive and shooting from afar, not a great frontliner.

Preference for Handcannons, Sniper Rifles, Bows and Swords

If you need him he’s probably.       1.In a random cave somewhere trying to find a way out       2. In an impossibly high place watching people with a sniper setup       3. In a tree somewhere       4. Somewhere really high up or in a really weird place below on some             scaffolding or platform looking at the stars in the tower

Envious of Hunters. Loves their supers and their cloaks way too much

Shows up when you least expect him to. Just pops in like. Hey. I’m here guys whats up. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM.

100% down to help you with whatever you need if you ask nicely. If it’s something malicious, just keep it vague and he’ll probably roll with it until it fully dawns on him but he probably won’t trust you after that

If you manage to piss him off you’ll probably get an arc bolt to the face or something. watch your back after that. 

Animal lover. will probably point out every deer, rabbit, bird, ect he sees when he’s out and about with you. Love of birds(obvs) is greatest. Don’t take him to the farm or he’ll hang out with the chickens FOREVER

As friendly and naive as he is, he’s not stupid like he might come across as. Super smart. just a bit forgetful and sometimes has problems finding the right words

((Sorry it’s so long! I just have a lot about him i haven’t been able to put out there yet so i just kinda spilled it all, haha.)) ((A lot of it’s based off myself in his forgetfulness and getting lost. In open world games I have a bad habit of directly following that marker so I end up scaling mountains, in caves, everywhere except where I’m supposed to be))  ((There’s probably more, but! That’s too much to write. I’ve already spammed enough. Here’s a look into Avian-4 for ya’ll!))

[subasekabang]

Long Dream –Live Remix– (B Side)

Title: Long Dream –Live Remix– (B Side)

Rating: T

Word Count: 7598 total, 3840 this chapter

Characters: Coco, Joshua, Neku, Beat, OMC, OFC

Warnings: Major character death

Summary: Her Magnum Opus nears completion, and as her audience approaches, she hurriedly arranges one final rehearsal.  Elaboration on a pet theory of mine, built out of Final Remix spoilers.

Feel the people, hear the voices

They are reaching out to catch you

Feel the rhythms, hear the noises

You are beating all the visions

***

Shinjuku’s Room of Reckoning, the seat of power for its reigning Composer, was the only place in the entire city that Coco absolutely hated.  Despite being a space set aside specifically for her, she was required to keep the room exactly the way it had always been: a throwback to the Shinto roots of the city, with a gate of red wood over the entrance, two fox statues standing guard just beyond that, braided ropes and paper charms decorating every wall, and a large patch of white sand centered around a single flat stone under a narrow skylight.  Coco sat cross-legged on a cushion on that stone, rapidly tapping her fingers as she regarded her surroundings.

“This place and I have, like, the exact opposite energy.”

It wasn’t much longer until she heard footsteps.  Through the gate walked a woman who looked to be in her thirties, with slightly pale skin and straight black hair tied into a bun, wearing a simple shrine maiden uniform.  She knelt at the edge of the sand and bowed.  Coco fought back an urge to grimace, and was mostly successful.

“Sit up, Atsuko Watanabe,” Coco said in a half-assed formal tone.  “We have, like, much to discuss.”

Straightening her back, Watanabe said, “You honor me with your presence, Composer.  How may your humble servant carry out your will?”

Coco shifted in her seat.  Even now, she still wasn’t entirely sure how to begin.  “Well, uh…we got a thing we need to do…and this thing is, like, about Shinjuku’s future and stuff, so, um…”

A smile slowly crossed Watanabe’s face.  Her eyes twinkled as she asked, “Do you mean a Game?  Are we finally going to hold another Game?”

“Uuuuuh that was the plan, but—“

Watanabe brought her hands together.  “Wonderful!  It’s been so long since we’ve held a Game, we’ve built up such a stable of Players we need to test!”

“H-Hey, hold up gurl…” Coco said, reaching out reluctantly.

“I have already selected a Game Master I believe would be ideal, they need only your approval and we can begin immediately.  Of course, this is but a humble suggestion, my lady: we shall proceed in whatever way you deem best.  Oh, this is so exciting!  I can hardly wait!”  Watanabe closed her eyes and giggled, trying to sit still but bouncing just a bit.  Coco scratched her head as a wave of intense guilt washed over her.

“Big yikes…” she said.  “Um, Watanabe—“

“Yes, my lady?”

“I was saying, like, I was going to hold a Game, but…unfortunately, um, planz have changed.”

Coco could see the enthusiasm drain out of Watanabe.  In mere seconds, her cheery demeanor was entirely gone, leaving her with nothing but a hollow, dejected expression that made her look ten years older.  “…Oh.  I see.”

“Listen, I’m sorry it be like that.  Like, I know you really want a Game, and we’ll have one soon, I totez promise!  v soon.  But first, we got something else super urgent we need to deal with—it literally can’t wait, which is the only reason why I’m putting off the Game.”

Watanabe just stared down at the sand in silence.

Hesitantly, Coco asked, “…Um, Watanabe?  u good?”

“Composer…” Watanabe said quietly.  “Forgive me, but…I believe my patience has reached its limit.”

“Watanabe, listen up, this—“

“Years.  It has been years since the last time a Game was held in Shinjuku!  The Reapers need points to survive, my lady, and several of the rank and file are nearly out!  They are in very real danger of fading away forever!  And as if that weren’t bad enough, this…this entire situation could have so easily been avoided!”

Feeling just a little annoyed, Coco leaned forward and said, “I already told you, like, we’ll have one soon, nbd.”

“It’s a very big deal!” Watanabe shouted.  “At this point your men are so desperate that when we do hold a Game, the competition amongst them will be atrocious!  They won’t know when to expect another chance to earn points, so they’ll collect as many as they possibly can, hoarding them all for themselves, leaving few to none for the inexperienced to survive on!  We may have garnered an exorbitant amount of Players, but at this point I fear it still won’t be enough to go around!  And now you’re saying we need to wait even longer?!”

“Chill, fam!  You’re totez getting WAY ahead of yourself!”

“I have to think that far ahead, because you won’t spare so much as a single thought for your duties!”

Coco’s eyes widened, her veins freezing over.  “W…what did you just say about me?”

Watanabe stood up, aiming a sad glare at Coco.  “I’ve been running the UG on my own this entire time, because you won’t take your duties seriously.  You are meant to judge the worth of humanity, to learn what is necessary to guide them and us to a better future.  Does that simply not matter to you, Composer?”

Coco could hardly believe what she was hearing.  Standing, she said, “Like, of course it matters to me?  I heckin love Shinjuku!  Everything that I do is for the benefit of this city!  You sayin you for realz don’t know that, Watanabe?”

“It is hard for me to believe that, my lady.  You’ve excused yourself from your work for ages, and during all this time I’ve barely heard even a word from you!  Frankly…I feel I have no evidence to suggest that you truly care for this city, nor that you will ever behave responsibly in regards to your duty regarding it.”

“That’s a hot load of…”  Coco stopped, putting a hand to her forehead with a short huff.  “…Whatevs.  You don’t know what I’ve been doing, I never told you, so I guess I can’t totally blame you for thinking that.  But like, the reason I asked you here was cuz I’m gonna tell you what I’ve been doing, and what comes next in my keikaku.”

Watanabe waited expectantly.  Coco took a deep breath, hoping she would be able to find the words she needed.

“So tbh…I’ve been working on a Noise.  A super duper powerful Noise called a ‘Magnum Opus’, which contains, like, its own plane of existence inside of it.  I gotta strengthen it, and because it’s so complex, it’s taken a long time to get that done.  Like, a loooong time.  But it’s totez gonna be worth it!”

Watanabe furrowed her brow.  “This whole time, you’ve been making a Noise?  A single Noise?  What made you think such a thing was necessary?”

“Well…I had a vision,” Coco said.

“A vision?”

“Yeah!  I saw Shinjuku get entirely wiped out, so like, obv I had to do everything I could to stop that from happening!”

“…I’m afraid I don’t follow.”

“Well the…the way it happened…”  Coco’s words ground to a halt.  She couldn’t explain an Inversion without explaining the Inferno, and she couldn’t explain the Inferno without explaining the Higher Plane, and that was something she had been strictly forbidden from revealing to her subordinates.  “Um…see, the guyz who did Teh Thing were, like, suuuuper powerful.  I knew I was totez gonna need a heavy hitter to take ‘em down!  So, Magnum Opus Noise!”

Watanabe took a few seconds to reflect on this explanation, finally saying, “I suppose that makes some sense.”

“Great!  Glad we’re, like, on the same page!”

“Wait a moment, my lady, I still have questions.  I have never heard of this Magnum Opus Noise—where did you learn of it?”

“It’s, uh, top secret Composer stuff.  Sorry, can’t share those deetz.”

“Alright then.  In that case, did your vision also come from your Composer powers?”

Coco shook her head.  “Nah…my Composer-ness does give me sum omniscience and stuff, but this was different.  Normal Composer Vision is, like, whambalam, and KABAM, yeah, that seems right, I can feel it in my kokoro.  But this vision was totez creepy af, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Watanabe paused a moment.  “My lady…if you’ve never seen anything like this vision, then why are you so sure it is reliable?”

Coco blinked.  “…Um…”

Watanabe stepped forward.  “If this has nothing to do with your Composer abilities, then what guarantee is there that these events will come to pass?  Why would you be so certain of it that you would give up everything else just to prepare for something that may never occur?”

“It…well…”  Coco looked down, her cheeks starting to burn as she fumbled for a response.  She raised her fist towards her chin and turned slightly.  “Something about it, just…terrified me, Watanabe.  I’ve never felt horror like that, so…I mean, I had to do something.”

Watanabe took another step.  “And merely because it scared you, you abandoned all of us?!”

Coco backed up to the edge of her stone.  Watanabe lowered her gaze, realizing that her foot had landed on the sand.  Turning abruptly, she covered her face with her hand and sighed, while Coco just stared at her back.

“…Watanabe…please,” she said.  “I need your help to keep Shinjuku safe.  Can I count on you?”

Watanabe looked over her shoulder.  “…I am sorry, Composer.  But I do not believe in this cause of yours.  Go and do what you must…but in the meantime, I am going to see to my duties and conduct a Game.  Shinjuku cannot be asked to wait for us any longer.”

Coco lowered her arm.  Trying as hard as she could to smile, she said, “Understandable, have a nice day.”

Watanabe walked out.  Coco dropped down and pulled her hood over her eyes, shutting them tight to keep her tears from falling.  When she eventually opened them again, the room was much darker—something had covered up the skylight, she realized.  It was then she noticed Rōjin standing at the edge of the sand.

“…Like, I knew she was gonna be annoyed,” Coco said, “but I didn’t think she’d get so pissed off.  tbh I wasn’t prepared to see her like that.  I’m…kinda shook.”

She let out a ragged sigh.

“I legit wanted her help.  If I can’t count on Watanabe, then like, none of my Officers are gonna help.  Now Tapez and I are probs gonna have to fight the Inferno on our own.”

Hopefully, she glanced up at Rōjin.  He shook his head.

“…Right.  Your hands are still tied, I guess.  The Higher Plane won’t do anything until it’s already too late.  But damn Kiryu and his Producer get off totally clean after trying to sink their city…but, that’s none of my business.”

She got to her feet and looked her Producer in the eye.

“Rōjin…I totez appreciate all you’ve done for me.  You’ve been a real bro, taking me srsly and helping out however you can.  I know I sorta take you for granted, but like, I really am gr8ful for everything.  Just wanna let u know.”

Rōjin nodded.  Coco glanced at the sand hesitantly, and then shrugged, walking right across it.

“Guess I’ll just go back to what I was doing.  If you can, plz keep an eye out while Watanabe runs her Game—I don’t know fo sho how much time we got until the Inferno makes a move.”

As she approached, Rōjin held on arm out to stop her.  She faced him with a confused expression.

“I will advocate for you,” the Producer said.

“…wat?” Coco said.  “Wait, you mean right now, you’re going up?”

Rōjin nodded.

“I…I mean thnx, that’s really generous, but u sure?  They’re getting the Game they asked 4, that should make them happy, yeah?”

“A Game run by the Conductor.  They will demand an explanation.  Anticipating this will look better, and allow me a chance to sway them.”

Coco stepped towards him.  “Rōjin, don’t put a target on your back!  The Higher Plane has, like, already been clear about how they want to deal with the Inferno, there’s no way we’re gonna be able to change that.  Even if we tell em Shinjuku will be wiped out if they don’t do sumthin, they’re totez just gonna say ‘then perish’.  I can handle this!  I mean, I know I was just lowkey freaking out, but real talk, I can—“

Rōjin turned and began to leave.

“Hey, hold up!”

He paused.  Coco fidgeted.

“…I just…I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.  Like, I know I’m a crappy Composer, and I’ve already caused you nothing but grief with the crew upstairs.  If you push em any further…”

Rōjin faced her, and to Coco’s surprise, he was smiling.  “Don’t be afraid.”

Coco couldn’t think of a reply.  Rōjin turned back around and went through the gate, leaving Coco alone.  It took some time, but eventually she was able to calm down.

Tapez’s next meal might be the last one he gets before the baddle beginz.  I need to, like, figure out how to make his power maximum with just one more boost.

Slowly, she turned her head.

…The OG strat was that, at the last second, I’d go for that pair.  And like, they’d totez gimme dat boost.  But now that Kiryu’s onto me, and it’s obv just how, uh, strained my relationship with the Higher Plane is…not convinced that’s the best play I can make rn.

Coco paced across the room as she weighed her options.  As she did, she began to feel a sharp pain in her head, and her entire body tensed.

A…again?

The pain began to spread.

No, no not another one, not already, not now!

Her vision went out all at once.  When it returned, she was looking through that same unsettling filter, only now she saw not Shinjuku, but Shibuya.  She saw Neku, the boy slowly falling over as his body went limp and lifeless.  And in front of him, she saw Joshua, pointing a gun at him with a look of malice as an unfamiliar voice echoed in her mind.

“Hello?  Is anybody there?”

The Room of Reckoning came back, and it was perhaps the only time in her life Coco had ever been glad to see it.  She clutched her head tightly in both hands, staring wide-eyed at the floor, and worked to decipher what she had just seen.

“This one…was different…Kiryu shot him?  Why would he do that?  I mean, he did it before…is this from the past?  Or is he going to do it again?”

Coco thought back to her last conversation with Shibuya’s Composer.  She remembered his parting threat.

“…Would he really…kill Neku…just to stop me from using him?”

She couldn’t know for sure.  But, it wasn’t something she would put past him.  And assuming this latest vision wasn’t a look back into the past, that meant the Neku of the world she lived in might only be around for a limited time.

“If I dun act now, I might miss my chance.”

She weighed her options again, but this information was more than enough to tilt the scales.  Clenching her fists, Coco glared in the direction of Shibuya.

“I gotta do it to ‘em.  I ain’t afraid of Kiryu!  He can try whatev he wants, but I’m totez gonna come out on top!  After this, Tapez will be unbeatable!”

***

In this long dream, can you find me?

Want you to call my name

In this hazard, chance of survival?

I need to be with you

***

Coco stood alone on the empty streets of Shinjuku.  One hand was pressed firmly against her bleeding shoulder, and the other was clamped tight around a pin emblazoned with a symbol resembling the Dissonance Tapir’s eye.  She stood there, shaking, trying her best to cling onto her composure, but it was too much for her.  Coco threw her head back and wailed into the sky.

She had sought out Neku and Beat, drawn them into the pseudo-parallel world contained within the tapir, and done her best to coax them into making their way to the outskirts of “Shibuya”.  She was almost successful.  However, Shibuya’s Producer had interfered, using some unknown technique to take control of the replica of himself within her illusion and informing the Players of where they really were.  With the easy way no longer an option, Coco had ordered the tapir to attack, but somehow, they had found a way to erase it.

Dropping to her knees, Coco cradled the pin in both hands, barely able to see it through the tears pouring from her eyes.  As she was, she didn’t even have the strength to summon the tapir from it.  Her Magnum Opus was in there, she could sense its consciousness, but it was incredibly faint.

“Dammit…damn you, Kiryu…”

In her panic upon losing the tapir, Coco had ended up shooting Neku, but Joshua had appeared and wounded her as she retreated.  She had been just on the border of Shinjuku when the Inversion occurred.  And despite all her preparations, all her determination, Coco could do nothing but watch as her entire city vanished right before her eyes.

“Why Shinjuku?  Of all the UGs, why mine?!  Why…why…”

Not a single person remained on the once-bustling roads.  The tapir was out of commission, Watanabe was likely erased, and Rōjin wasn’t returning her calls.  Coco was alone with nothing to fight for, much less anything to fight with.

“…No…”

She punched the pavement.  With teeth clenched, she glared upward.

“If Shinjuku’s gone…then I’m gonna make the Inferno pay for taking it!  I’ll play their stupid Game, and I’ll win—whatever it takes!”

Taking one last look at the pin, she carefully placed it in her pocket.  She ripped off the end of her sleeve and wrapped it around her wound, and after making sure it was tight enough, she got to her feet and wiped her tears.

“Guess that puts me at square one.  Tapez can still make some contributions, but I’m not gonna have time to beef him up like I did before.  So I’mma need a new heavy hitter…”

Coco gazed at Shibuya once more.

“He’s totez not gonna want to help me…but like, he’s not getting a choice!”

***

Feel the people, hear the voices

They are reaching out to catch you

Feel the rhythms, hear the noises

You are beating all the visions

***

“…How fortunate she managed to escape erasure.”

Coco kept her eyes down as she walked.  She adjusted her hood, keeping the pin hooked to the inside of it next to her ear.

“Clearly she’s something special,” she heard Hanekoma say.  “And let’s not forget our little Reaper friend.  We’ve got some crazy cats headed our way.”

“Which makes this the calm before the storm.”  Coco scowled at Joshua’s voice.  “There’s no telling what will become of Shibuya…but I suppose that’s THEIR problem now, not ours.”

She rolled her eyes, mumbling, “That’s, like, exactly what I’d expect from you.”

“What about Neku?”

Coco stopped mid-step.

“He served his purpose,” Joshua said, “but I don’t need him anymore.”

She pulled out the pin, saying, “Hmph.  Speak for yourself, nerd.  The Game, like, literally can’t go on without Neku…like, maybe you don’t need him, but I totez do!”

At this point, he was her best bet.  If Neku, with help, was able to defeat the Dissonance Tapir after all the work she had put into it, then that made him the deadliest weapon available to her.  She had hoped Joshua would put him into play, but that was a problem she could easily circumvent.  However, that wasn’t the only problem this new plan faced.  Coco eyed the alleyway just ahead.

“If he’s, like, even gonna stand a chance…he’s totez gonna need a zetta strong partner!”

She entered the alleyway to find an elaborate pattern painted onto the sidewalk.  Immediately, she recognized it as a Taboo Noise refinery sigil.  For just a moment, Coco hesitated, wondering if this was really the person she wanted to recruit.  She couldn’t help but be curious about the girl from the vision—the one who supposedly escaped the Inversion unharmed—but she wasn’t sure exactly where she was, or if she could fight.  Coco had to make the most of what was available to her.  She had accepted that.

“If those goons are so thirsty for a fight…” Coco said, reaching out with both hands.  “Then they can, like, come here and get rekt like the noobs they are!”

She activated the sigil.  It lit up with bright light, but only for a few seconds before going out in a brilliant flash.  Coco waved away the smell of smoke as she gazed upon the man who now sat at the center of the design.

He had a mess of medium dark hair, and brown skin that turned to the pitch black shade of Taboo Noise over his hands and forearms, with an intricate emblem decorating his torso.  The black shirt and jeans he wore were badly torn, but the silver on his necklace and belt buckle gleamed as if brand new.  Slowly, he rose to his feet.  He looked down at himself and smirked in approval.

“Seems somebody forgot to carry the one,” he said.  “Not that I’m complaining!  They say the third time’s the charm, and I’ve always had a soft spot for cubic roots!”

Coco watched as he just threw his arms apart and laughed.  The power he possessed was incredible, nearly overwhelming her senses as she tried to gauge it.  Finally, he turned to her, and she snapped out of her trance.

“So tell me…how exactly do you factor into this equation?”

“…I just, like, need to know one (1) thing,” Coco asked.  “How’d you like to take down someone even stronger than a Composer?”

The man leaned in close.  “Hm…easier in theory than in practice.”

“Tru…but I have a plan that will totez make it possible tho.”

“Hah!  And what proof validates that operation?”

Pointing down, Coco said, “Like, I brought you back, yeah?  How many people can do that?  Doesn’t that get your attention?”

He looked at the sigil, then back to Coco.  Backing up a bit, he said, “Huh…you did this all with a single variable?  That’s worth adjusting an estimation for…”

“So like, whaddaya say, bro Minamimoto?  Come hear me out.  I totez promise you won’t be disappointed.”

Minamimoto thought for a moment.  Then, with a chuckle, he said, “It’d be zetta dumb to cancel out a set like that.  Tell you want, decimal point: I’ll see where this line you’ve plotted goes.  Just make sure the solution is as good as you’ve promised!”

Coco grinned.  Turning aside for the moment, she rubbed the Tapir pin in her pocket, and said to herself, “There’s, like, no way we’re gonna lose!”

***

Is it angels?  Is it devils?

Whispering in my ears

Is it emotions?  Is it illusions?

I need to be with you

[spartanguard]

savage garden, 3/?

Summary: Killian Jones was, by far, the worst, weakest, most ineffectual Dark One ever. (According to the Darkness, at least.) And he was fine with that. He was just a slave, a deckhand—what use did he have of dark magic? And even less want. But the Darkness has vowed to firmly get him under its grasp, one of these days. He finds respite in a beautiful secluded garden—and the amazing woman he eventually meets there. The question remains, though: is it—is she—enough to keep him out of the dark completely? One can only hope…

3.5k | rated T | AO3 | part 1 | part 2 (art) 

A/N: Here’s the next chapter! Thanks to everyone who read/commented on the first! This thing keeps running away from me but I can’t wait to share the rest with y’all. Thanks again to the organizers of @csmarchmadness for getting me going on it again and to @optomisticgirl for looking it over/letting me ramble about it. And to @cocohook38 for the AMAZING art she did of the last chapter! (check the link!)

The title comes from "Violet" by Savage Garden (obvs). More CS interaction here...but still a bit angsty! This is the last shorter chapter; they’ll be a bit longer from here on out because I can’t stop writing about these two.

chapter 3: I’m gonna crash into your world

Killian moped and hid for several days, but after he’d broken three mugs and set one of his new novels ablaze in inexplicable rages, he knew he needed to get back to the garden’s tranquility.

Why bother? You’re just gonna delay the inevitable.

“It’s still a delay.”

He had to assume the garden’s new protector wasn’t as nocturnal as he was; so long as he took extra care not to leave a mark and was gone by daybreak, he should be fine. (Worst-case scenario...he used magic to leave. But he could probably avoid that.)

Returning to the oasis was like breathing fresh air after so long cooped up, even more than the sea breeze on his balcony or the walk through the forest could offer. His constantly racing heart calmed immediately, and he could feel the Darkness pressed back to the recesses of his mind; he should probably worry what it was doing there, but the respite was too blissful for him really consider it.

He only dallied for a few hours before leaving, not wanting to risk blonde fury. She’d been something else, though, hadn’t she? He hadn’t seen that kind of fierceness in anyone since Milah. Not that he had much to compare it to, but still—despite their rocky meeting, he was left somewhat in awe.

Except she hates you, the Darkness cheerfully reminded.

“I’m aware,” he sighed. But still—one could dream. (Or whatever he did instead of dreaming.)

He resumed his nightly visits, extra wary of his presence in the eden; he didn’t even sit on a bench or walk quickly, lest he stir up a breeze and disturb the lawn. He took in the fragrances from a safe distance and ingrained the shape of the petals into his mind’s eye—a perk of his extra-sharp vision. And he left well before dawn.

He was pleased with himself; he wasn’t typically one for rebellion, despite his servitude on a pirate ship. But it wasn’t like she owned the garden, right?

Wrong, apparently. Because after a few weeks of uneventful visits, he’d hardly set foot inside the walls one night before a piercing, shrill whistle sounded, rattling his brain in his skull; he covered his ears in an attempt to muffle it, but it felt like it was coming from inside his head.

The pain in his cranium was quickly replaced by pain all over as he was tackled from behind, pinned to the ground on his stomach as some force held him down. He could see where the grass died at contact with his face.

“I thought I told you to leave!” It was her again—of course.

“You never said I couldn’t come back,” he snarled, a foreign—but sadly, not unfamiliar—rage coursing through him; how dare she attack when he was minding his own business!

A moment later, he was flipped over on his back and a dagger was at his neck. The blonde sorceress was straddling his hips, fury etched in her features. “Most people would have assumed the unsaid,” she bit back.

“I’m not most people, lass,” he snapped. “You have no idea who you’re dealing with.” Heat was rising with his anger, starting at his core and emanating out.

For a brief moment, fear flashed in her eyes; she must have felt the magical shift in the air around him. But it was gone in a blink, determination taking its spot as she summoned a ball of white magic into her free hand. “Try me.”

“Oh, trust me—you don’t want that,” he countered, his own powers flickering like black lightning in his palm, even with the glove on. Sparks began to shower off it, killing the plants wherever they fell.

Imagine what it could do to her, the Darkness whispered, followed by a chorus of other ghostly voices encouraging him to Do it! Do it! Dooooo itttttt....

Her eyes widened as she glanced at the danger lurking in his grip, her fight or flight response trying to decide which was best. She was scared. Perfect.

Wait—she was scared...of him? No; no, that couldn’t...he blinked a few times as recognisance took over. What the bloody hell was he doing?

He closed his hand in a fist around the dark magic, squelching it; he could almost feel it stop in its tracks as it rushed through his veins. As best he could, he scrambled back away from her, casting her on her rear, but that was surely a less grievous injury than whatever he’d been about to do.

In the last glimpse he caught of her face, she wore an expression of pure confusion. “I’m...I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean...I’m sorry,” he sputtered, then called on the magic to whisk him away.

When the smoke cleared, he was on his balcony, gasping for air he didn’t truly need—he could only assume it was a buried nervous reaction in his body. He could feel tears welling at his eyes as shame washed over him; how had he let it get that far? That had never happened before—not to that extreme.

We told you—it’s inevitable. Stop fighting it. Wasn’t it exhilarating?

“No, it wasn’t.” The adrenaline running through him did not come from joy.

Ohh, but it was—facing off against a proper magic user for once? We could have some fun with her, dearie.

“You won’t. I won’t let you.”

How? You clearly can’t keep out of that garden.

“I won’t go back; I mean it this time.”

You’re too weak to keep that promise. And apparently too stupid to avoid the one thing that can kill you.

That had his attention. “What?”

She was radiating pure light magic! Didn’t you feel that?

He collapsed into his chair as he thought back to their confrontation—the pure light of her magic and her reaction to his.

The only thing that can destroy darkness is light.

“Is that so,” he said dryly. Maybe there was a way out of this curse after all; he didn’t care if it cost him his life, so long as it was destroyed.

We know what you’re thinking, the chorus hissed. We won’t let you.

“We’ll see about that.”

There was no waiting around for a cool down this time. Even if he didn’t go inside, he still had to be near the garden; just knowing what—and who—lay inside was enough to calm him, though the voices taunted him at every turn.

Do you really have such little self-preservation?

“It would seem so.”

The cool stone walls tamped down the blazing dark heat that would well up, and even the flowering vines that covered them were a balm.

What a waste of resources, the Darkness scoffed as he observed a perfect petal. Magic can be used for so much more—to steal, to win, to conquer!

Even if he wasn’t witness to her raw power, he knew that wasn’t the case. Despite his personal interactions with magic being rather negative, he grew up on tales of powerful, just wizards and goodness prevailing over evil, always. While he knew it was never in the cards for him, he’d always been especially in awe over tales of true love prevailing over all else.

It made him curious to see her in action. Surely her magic didn’t only take the form of the alarm system he’d set off or the defensive display he’d triggered, though even that had a raw kind of beauty about it.

So he decided one night, a few weeks after their faceoff, that he wouldn’t flee before dawn this time. The sun was just about to break over the horizon when he selected a vine near the door and touched it with his bare fingers, watching as it shriveled in his hand—but knowing that it wouldn’t be that way for long.

As nimbly as he could manage, he climbed a tree near the door, out of sight but with a full view of the entrance, and sat in wait for her arrival. He probably could have made himself invisible, but knowing him, he would have just set the tree on fire if he tried.

We can make that happen.

He didn’t acknowledge the suggestion, because footsteps were falling on the path that led to the door. He’d never traveled down it, preferring his own self-made trail to anything where he might encounter people; he thought the village of Longbourne lay that way, or maybe the capital of Misthaven? For as long as he’d been around, he was rough on his geography, and goodness knew how it had changed over the years.

No matter; what was important was who was arriving: the still-nameless guardian of the garden. From this vantage point, he was finally able to take in her odd manner of dress: a long white cloak that she’d had on during their first meeting, made of such a fine material that told him she either came from money or had stolen from the rich. Because below it, she wore a utilitarian outfit of a blue leather jerkin and matching leggings, comfortably worn boots, and a simple tunic underneath the top that all indicated a life of labour. Her hair was down today, but it had been pulled back during their altercation.

Her appearance painted a contradictory image that he couldn’t puzzle out, though he supposed his own monk-like cloak, leather pants and boots, and wide-open shirt were equally in opposition.

As she approached the gate, he could tell the exact moment she noticed his handiwork. She paused midstep, then glanced around, no doubt looking for him; thankfully, she didn’t think to look up. Then she turned back to the dead vine and marched up to it.

He held his breath as he watched her work, because it was more beautiful than he expected: gently, she held the blackened plant in one hand, and the other hovered over it until tiny spheres of white light sprang forth, some finding the vine immediately and others floating up to find and heal its farther reaches. At one point, the entire vine glowed with magic, and when the light faded, it was completely restored.

“Wow,” he breathed, completely stunned. But then he clamped his mouth shut and prayed she hadn’t heard that.

Luck was not on his side. “I know you’re there,” she called out, sounding almost resigned. “You can come on down.”

He stayed frozen; he had no idea what to do. The Darkness was screaming that it was a trap, but other than the safeguards she’d put on the garden, he couldn’t see her being so devious. And if she was extending an invitation, wouldn’t it make sense for him to accept it, especially if she held the key to ending the Dark One?

Carefully, he began to pick his way down the branches, but going down was harder than going up, and he missed a foothold, falling the rest of the way down and landing on his back with a groan. Anyone else would have been seriously injured, and the jolt was bad enough that he felt like he was, but whatever had been holding his body together all these years made sure he went unscathed; it just hurt like hell.

The woman made no effort to help him, but at least she didn’t make fun of him, which in itself was a change from the usual response to his clumsiness. Granted, no one had done that in over a century, but the memory was still fresh.

When he’d finally recovered enough to move, he hoisted himself up, brushed himself off, and then turned to face her. She was wearing an utterly unimpressed expression; now that, he was used to.

“My apologies for the intrusion,” he said, with a meek bow, not sure what else to say. Did she want to interrogate him? Formally banish him? There were any number of punishments she could execute.

“It’s fine,” she said with a slight, casual shrug. “I thought about it, and I figured that a Dark One who is obsessed with a garden, of all things, can’t be all that bad.”

He breathed in sharply. It shouldn’t have come to a surprise that she knew what he was, but no one had addressed him as such in so long; he had thought that perhaps the Dark One was just a legend by now, but apparently not.

“Are you sure about that, lass?” he asked her. “You’ve seen what I can do.” And if she knew her history, then she likely knew what the Darkness was capable of.

“Yeah, but you didn’t,” she countered. “Come on in,” she added with a tilt of her head toward the open door, then headed in herself.

The Darkness tried to hold him back, but one glimpse of the haven within the walls was all it took for him to follow her.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back as he breathed in the sweet floral scent inside. This was probably the latest in the day he’d been here, and with the flowers opening even more to the sun overhead, the fragrance was stronger than he’d ever noticed.

“So what was that one?” Her voice pulled him from his calm reverie; she’d taken a seat on one of the benches, shirked her cloak, and was basking in the warm light.

“I beg your pardon?” he stammered.

“The vine; was that an accident, or on purpose? I know you said you didn’t mean to cause damage, but that seemed pretty specific.”

He could feel a flush rising. “I’m afraid that one was intentional.”

She tilted her head. “Why?”

“I was just…curious,” he admitted.

She sat up a little straighter as he slowly shuffled in her direction; he could see her hackles rising. “About my magic?”

“Aye.” He felt like he needed to tell the truth, or something resembling it, lest she cast him out again. “Please don’t take this as me being forward, but I can’t honestly say I’ve seen anything quite so beautiful as it.” Except her, maybe, but that would definitely cross a line.

She gave a small smile back. “It’s been a while since anyone said anything like that to me.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” he blurted out.

She rolled her eyes, but was grinning. “I bet you’re full of lines like that, aren’t you?”

“Uh, no, actually; I’m not quite sure where that came from, to be honest.”

“Hopefully not the same place as that black storm ball you had a few weeks ago.”

Did you already forget that you nearly killed her? the Darkness taunted as his gaze drifted to the grass. Should have known you’d get so easily lost in a pretty face, just like Milah—

“No!” he shouted, before those visions could play in his mind again. Emma jumped at the noise, her face falling to somewhere between concerned and panicked. “I mean—no, it’s not. I must apologize again for that clash; I wasn’t fully in control at the moment.”

“Does that happen a lot?” she asked softly.

“More often than I’d like.”

“That’s gotta be tough.”

He shrugged. “Everyone has their burdens to bear. This one is mine.”

She hummed in thought, then let her gaze wander around the garden.

“So how long have you been coming here?” she asked. He gaped for a moment; no one had asked him about him or his life in...well, ever. She glanced back at him looking almost alarmed, making him realize he hadn’t responded; his conversation skills were rustier than he thought.

“A very long time,” he answered, a bit gravely.

“Even when it was all dead?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Why?”

He mused for a moment before answering. “Because it’s quiet. Because even then, nature managed to renew itself and continue on; I hoped...maybe I could, too.”

She only gave him half a smile, but it was enough to warm the coldest parts within him. “I like that. My mother always told me that happy endings start with hope.”

“Your mother sounds like a terribly smart woman.”

“She was.”

Oh, bloody hell—he really hadn’t learned anything about tact, had he? “My apologies.”

“It’s...never mind.” Something had struck a nerve, and the subsequent awkwardness in the air was a familiar feeling that usually indicated it was his fault.

“I...I’ll get out of your hair, then,” he said quietly, not wanting to intrude on her quiet time any longer. She wasn’t looking at him, anyway, so he turned and started to leave.

“Emma.”

He paused; what? He turned back to look at her, and she was rising from her seat, walking towards him. Once she stood in front of him, she extended her hand out.

“My name. It’s Emma.”

It showed how removed from society he was when he didn’t know how to respond to an introduction, but he gingerly took her delicate fingers in his gloved ones.

“Are you gonna tell me yours, or is that against the Dark One rules or something?” she lightly teased.

He only then realized his jaw was hanging open; quickly, he closed it, regained his composure, and answered, “Killian.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Killian.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, Emma.” For a long moment, he just stared into her eyes—which were a softer green in this light—until he realized he was still awkwardly holding her hand.

He quickly thought back to those romance novels he’d been reading and what all the gentlemen did in those: he brought her hand to his lips and placed the gentlest of kisses on the back of it. Where her soft skin met his, he felt a sharp spark—almost as if the air was quivering around them—but it was immediately forgotten when she blushed the same pink as the roses in the background and smiled at him.

(Offhandedly, he wondered what it looked like when he blushed; he could feel heat rising in his cheeks, but did it show up pink, or tint his bluish skin purple? He supposed it didn’t really matter as long as she wasn’t running away in horror—though he’d taken care to .)

“I best be on my way, then,” he said, dropping her hand and immediately missing its warmth in his. “Have a lovely day, Emma.” That was his new favorite name, he decided.

“You, too,” she said softly. He turned again to leave but she called back one more time. “And hey—don’t be a stranger; it’s nice to see that someone else appreciates this place.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“O-okay then,” he stuttered. “Until then, then.”

She laughed a little and a sideways grin lit up her features. “Until then.”

He finally headed out, not letting himself have so much as a backwards glance—because he knew he might truly never leave then.

The walk home had never been more refreshing, they day never so beautiful, the leaves never so glorious in their reds and golds. The Darkness was trying to tell him something, but for the first time ever, he was able to completely drown it out. Were he still a boy, he’d probably start skipping.

Well, that might have been going a bit too far, but it had been ages since his heart felt as light as it did. In hindsight, that should have been a sign that something was amiss.

For as soon as he’d arrived home and slipped off his glove, there it was: those pulsating shadows in his palm. The static from when he touched Emma had never quite left; that must have been why.

You blithering fool! You almost had her!

“I won’t harm her,” he warned.

If you don’t, she’ll kill you.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” he tossed back, knowing it would rile them up.

As expected, the Darkness erupted in a cacophony of shouts hammering inside his head. He winced at the onslaught and headed to his back porch, collapsing into his chair in hopes the view of the sun on the water below would quell them. It did, eventually—it always did—but it took longer than usual; not until the sun was setting beyond the horizon, tinting the water with its myriad colors.

He ignored the night chill as he watched the moon rise over the land. He wondered if there was some symbolism in the cool blue of its light on the water, much like his own pallor, in opposition to Emma’s golden sunshine among the greenery.

Oh, goodness—he was getting ahead of himself. Perhaps the romance novels were too much.

One actual conversation and you’re a lovesick puppydog. Sickening.

“Shut up.”

thanks for reading, friends! tagging some peeps (holla if you do/don’t want a tag) @kat2609 @thesschesthair @fergus80 @xpumpkindumplingx @shipsxahoy @selfie-wench @mryddinwilt @cocohook38 @annytecture @wingedlioness @word-bug @pirateherokillian @bleebug @its-imperator-furiosa @queen-mabs-revenge @killianmesmalls @sherlockianwhovian @effulgentcolors @laschatzi @ive-always-been-a-pirate @jscoutfinch @nfbagelperson @the-captains-ayebrows @stubble-sandwich​ @killian-whump​ @lenfaz @phiralovesloki @athenascarlet @kmomof4 @ilovemesomekillianjones @whimsicallyenchantedrose @snowbellewells @idristardis @wyntereyez @lfh1962 @bmbbcs4evr @therooksshiningknight

[surewarren]

hey guys hey guys hey guys it’s daisy again, comin’ at u live w/ a new but also old character ( see: i’ve tried playing him so many times then the rps died after like four days rip ) !! click that sexy read more for info on this angsty pun-loving douche.

˚ ‧ ♢ ․ LANDON LIBOIRON. CIS MAN. HE/HIM » is that WARREN JEFFERSON, the SINGER/MUSICIAN, who has been often times compared to ROGER WATERS? i heard the TWENTY-NINE year old can be DICTATORIAL and PESSIMISTIC but makes up for it by being OPEN-MINDED and GENUINE. whenever i think of WARREN PEACE, i’m reminded of a plethora of ARGUMENTS THAT LAST THROUGH THE NIGHT, UNNERVING BIBLE VERSES, and IN-DEPTH CONCEPTS. maybe there’s more to them than being dubbed THE AUTOCRAT by the media.

background:

triggers: war, death, kind of?? emotional abuse??, brief mention of drugs, mental illness implication

alright, so warren’s paternal grandfather fought and died in wwii, fighting alongside the allies ( ofc ) and, bc of this, warren’s father had a certain tear. on one hand, he wanted to build a family; on the other, he wanted to honor his father by following in his footsteps and fighting for his country and, preferably, others.

whynotboth.gif

so he formed a family first, what seeing as there was a lull in war ksksksks. it was perfectly nuclear, but his son, aka warren, only had two years of connection with him before he left to fight in the gulf war.

now he OBVIOUSLY thought he was going to come back,,, but rip dad.

his mother refused to remarry, or even to begin dating again, and spent all of her time trying to shelter warren, but not in?? a caring way?? necessarily??

it was ultimately very damaging. she made sure to instill all of her fears into him, and then some. it also led to a rather friendless background.

for a while, he was a very solo guy. his only friend was music. emo. then he met one other guy when he was 16 who played guitar and knew a guy who played the drums.

through some ‘networking,’ roughly two months later, they also had a pianist and they began actually... being a band!

warren grew very close to the guitarist (we’ll give him the name robert), again, basically being his first and only friend in his sixteen years on the planet.

so that’s why it hurt when they had to replace him!

you see, robert had gone a little Mad™. they attributed it to simple drugs at first, but, even when off, he acted the exact same.

they first brought in a new guitarist while he was still in the band and pretended they were just going to try a rhythm/lead formula out when, in reality, they were letting the new guitarist grow accustomed to the group dynamic and learn the songs and all that good stuff!

poor robert. he had to be fired from the band he formed.

let it be known that, by robert’s departure at the young age of 21, they had already put out two ~psychedelic~ albums – ‘the piper at the gates of dawn’, and ‘a saucerful of secrets’

after that, warren was lowkey like... “listen. u guys?? wld be nowhere w/out me. let me take control from here.” (such a virgo)

ofc, he didn’t... phrase it like that... but it was IMPLIED by the fact that they began implementing his ideas and his ideas alone. 

at the beginning, it wasn’t all that warren-based, though. their first three albums under his ‘leadership’ were ‘the dark side of the moon,’ ‘wish you were here,’ and ‘animals’ – the first was primarily centered around the idea of a life cycle, the second was primarily centered around robert (gay), and the final one was just super politically charged. everyone was on board for those.

then he was like “you know what i want to do... create a concept album... it’s going to tell a story about a character named pink, so i’m thinking maybe i temporarily use the alias ‘red’ and you temporarily use the alias ‘white’ because of copyright reasons, so far sound good?”

“ya! tell us more about ur idea!”

“so it’s basically a make-up to the fans album – you know, bc i’ve been a jerk to them – so he’s me with a little bit of robert thrown in there, but, instead of the gulf war, it’s wwii.”

“...”

“ok cool! let’s start!”

that’s how ‘the wall’ was formed, but there were a LOT of disagreements during that era.

the pianist was fired for some time for no good reason. he and the guitarist, aka the other lead singer, butted heads A LOT. the drummer couldn’t keep up very well. 

literally just... a bunch of arguments... meant to be an album that explained himself and ‘made everything up’ to the fans... but broke everything apart with his bandmates...

but u kno the thing was he still rly loved them?? two four bros in a hot-tub five feet apart cause they’re not gay. a couple of the songs (i.e. ‘nobody’s home’) were actually written for them as opposed to... himself... but with the guitarist’s lack of writing credits, the pianist’s lack of contribution up until the very end, the drummer’s utter confusion... it was BAD.

they rly hated him tbh.

that being said, after that was completed, he made one final album with them, mainly composed of outtakes from ‘the wall’ – ‘the final cut’ which was... similar, in that it was very warren-centric. 

they were like “well he’s obvs gonna leave soon anyway let him do it.”

they were right. he left after ‘the final cut’ and attempted to sue them for still using the band name that has yet to be determined. it didn’t fall through.

starting a solo career with the album ‘the last refugee’ which wasn’t... half as successful as any of the songs he’d made with his band... but tbh... shrug city?

a pun-enthusiast, instead of just going by his full name or ‘warren,’ he decided to play on ‘war and peace,’ especially since a lot of his songs had to do with war, and created the stage name ‘warren peace’

most people still just called him warren jefferson.

little facts not in the intro:

wanted to live that rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, so he found some groupies and slept with a lot of them. probably got at least one pregnant. he would never say it out loud, but that’s his proudest accomplishment.

moved to the US w/ the band following the success of ‘dark side of the moon’

does not talk to his mother anymore. is lowkey afraid of her.

is based off of the only living white man i trust tbh.

honestly probs more but i’m?? tired??

timeline:

since roger waters/pink floyd is old af and i also didn’t include all of the albums, here’s the breakdown, keeping in mind he started his career in 2006:

‘the piper at the gates of dawn’ - 2008 (18ys/o)

‘a saucerful of secrets’ - 2009 (20ys/o)

‘the dark side of the moon’ - 2011 (22ys/o)

‘wish you were here’ - 2012 (23ys/o)

‘animals’ - 2014 (25ys/o)

‘the wall’ - 2015 (26ys/o)

‘the final cut’ - 2016 (27ys/o)

left the band - 2017 (28ys/o)

‘the last refugee’ - 2018 (29ys/o, current age)

stan list!

OK ! LIKE THIS OR HMU IF U WLD LIKE 2 PLOT !

[swervestrickland]

#1 - Seth Rollins

Pairing: Seth Rollins x Reader

Requested: #1 “What the hell are you doing here?” by anon

Word Count: 2,006

Warnings: cheating mention, swearing (obv)

Author’s Note: Angst with a sprinkling of fluff. It’s weird, and I struggled with it, but there ya go. Tag List at the bottom! Love ya, babes (:

I wasn’t expecting it. When I went out with the girls, it was meant to be a girls’ night out, just bunch of us hanging out, getting ice cream, scaling the gate of the neighborhood park and feeling like total badasses. You know, the cheesy stuff.

It was a night to be merry. We just wanted the joy of being girls together, in the hopes that we’d feel better about ourselves in the morning.

We were all giggling hysterically, laughing at the story Nia was telling.

“So then, I walked into his office, and he says, ‘Nia, honey,’” and at this point we are dying, because all of us had heard that line before, at least once, from Vincent Kennedy McMahon, ‘I know you’re not going to let this go, but could you at least wait until I’ve had my coffee first?’”

I swear at least one of us had fallen to the gravel howling.

That is, until we saw the dark figure of Seth Rollins coming straight towards us.

I jumped in front of the girls, holding a hand out to stop them mid stride. I looked down at my tiny little shorts and my low cut cami, suddenly feeling seven times more insecure and conscious of myself than I had ten seconds ago. I took a step forward, and Seth stopped.

Before he opened his mouth, I beat him to the punch. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Babe, please.”

“Don’t babe me, motherfucker,” I seethed, not allowing myself to drop my eyes from his own, for fear that he’d see it as an opening. There was no room for him to speak here.

Bayley stepped up behind me, pulling at the hem of my shirt softly. “Sweetie, don’t worry about him, let’s just go.” Her eyes were pleading; as Seth’s adoptive little sister, I could understand why this wasn't something she wanted to happen. She loved the both of us too much to be able to handle another fight, after already having dealt with the aftermath of a plethora of them from both sides. She looked from me, to Seth, hoping one of us would walk away.

But I couldn't. And it seemed Seth couldn't either.

Sasha came forward and pulled Bayley away by the hand. Nia was already walking away with Alexa, giving Seth and I our space. I watched them clear out, taking an alternate path through the park. They would stay at a distance, but they wouldn't be far. If something happened, though, they’d be there in seconds.

Once they were gone, I set my ice cold gaze back on the bastard, but all I could see was the curve of his smirk at the edge of his pink lips that made me see red.

“What the fuck do you want?” I said abrasively, words dripping with acid. If he wanted to talk, he was going to get me at my most hostile. I crossed my arms flush against me, puffing out my chest to make myself bigger, like a housecat would its tail. I was livid. What fucking right did he have to rain on our parade of fun?

“I don't know why you're behaving like this.” He took a step closer, so he was only a few feet away from me.

“You don't know why I'm behaving like this?” I scoffed, then continued when the look on his face answered my question. “You don't think that fucking some random girl in our our hotel room is cause enough?”

“We talked about this,” he started, taking one step closer to me while I held my ground steadfastly. He dipped his head, the smirk on his face growing. “Or don’t you remember?”

“What the hell do you mean, Seth? Exactly what did we talk about?”

“You forgot.” He huffed out a laugh as he looked up at the dark night sky, before turning his cocky grin back my way. “All the shit you’re giving me right now, and you’re the one who forgot.”

“I swear to God, Seth -” my hands curled into fists at my sides, ready to fucking deck him if he edged any closer. “I don't know what the fuck you think you told me, but I doubt I’d ever agree to you screwing some other bitch.”

And that’s when he burst out cackling. That annoying, grating, absolutely wrath-inducing cackle. “Babe, that’s exactly what you did!”

My face dropped. “No the fuck I didn’t.” What was he even doing, accusing me of something I knew I’d never say?

At the repetition of my denial, he scoffed, keeling over. It was safe to say that my ego was bruised. The audacity of him to laugh in my fucking face, and it burned me that I didn't know why.

“Spit it out, would you?” I snapped.

He raised his hands in front of him. “Fine, fine...do you remember back two months ago, when I got a concussion?”

I scowled. “Yeah, I remember. What’s that got to do with—?”

“You wanted me to tell you, so I’m telling you. So shut the fuck up and listen for two goddamn seconds.”

I was so taken aback that I actually stopped talking. And it killed me that my body responded, getting turned on by his assertiveness. I pushed the feeling down, glaring at him.

Seth squinted at me, head tilting to the side to make sure he had my undivided attention. The way he ran his tongue over his lips never ceased to amaze me.

The first thing I remember was your face.

I couldn’t remember the ending of the match - I don’t remember the brogue kick to the face by Sheamus, or the feeling of my head splitting open on the metal fold-out chair, and I certainly didn’t remember the thumping of the ref’s palm slapping down on the mat. I don’t remember Dean pulling me out of the ring as Sheamus’ music played. All of that was lost on me that night, babe.

Your beautiful eyes - that’s what I remember. Your lips, chapped and bleeding from anxiety.

The way your brows creased in worry and the feeling of your soft hands on the sides of my face.

I remembered the bright lights of the room backstage where we waited for the doctor. The bright little flashlight burning my eyes as she checked me, your hand lingering on my skin because you didn’t want to stand even two feet away from me.

She told you to keep me awake while they called for an ambulance.

So you kept talking. Talking, and talking, and talking, on and on. God, you didn’t shut up for one fucking second.

You nagged at me. “Your placement was off, Seth. I thought you were a professional wrestler?” As if that was something I needed to hear. “I’ve told you a million times that you always let him get too close. You’ve taken a brogue kick, what, ten times already? Jesus, Seth.” If I didn’t die from my concussion, I’d have considered it a fucking miracle, because you were just grinding away at what little sanity I had left.

Don’t scowl at me, it’s true.

“Talktome abou’ somethin’ else, please.” I was slurring what words I could muster. You had me beggin’, babe. Begging for you to change the subject, to draw my mind to anything but what just happened and the aching, tortuous pain.

“About what?”

I think I managed a semblance of a chuckle, before I replied. “Whatch’er gon’ do t’ make this up t’ me.”

Maybe I winked? I can’t remember. Probably wasn’t a good wink. Probably looked like I was wincing at the pain, because your breath hitched and you asked me if I was all right.

“S’all right, babe. S’watcha gon’ do for me?”

You opened your mouth, incredulous. The audacity of me, you were probably thinkin’, I don’t know.

“Are you serious?” You asked, crossing your arms, like you know I hate.

“As a concussion, sweetheart.”

And you laughed. Like, a genuine laugh. You’re nodding, does that mean you remember? So you remember that, okay. Maybe you’ll remember this next part, too.

You bit your lip, thinkin’ about what you were gonna do for me, once I was better. You do that a lot, ya know. Bite your lip. And it makes me hard, baby, you know it does.

“Mmm… blowjobs every day for a week? Whenever, wherever? Like Shakira?”

Shit, was that tempting. But my smart ass wanted to get something even better out of you.

“A month.”

“What? No!”

“Then ‘s no deal.”

“Ugh, you bastard.”

“Then somethin’ else.”

You rolled your eyes at me, another thing that I absolutely hate. I was on a rollercoaster, fighting back the searing pain and wincing at the stars in my eyes, caught between halfway in love with you and halfway pissed that you were keeping me awake because I wanted so badly to just close my fucking eyes.

And then you whispered—

“One night with someone else.”

“So you do remember.”

I shook my head. “It just came to me.” I looked up at the sky, wiping the tears running down my face. “And then you said, ‘s’cuse me?’ like you couldn't believe what I’d said, and I replied with—”

“‘Don’t make me repeat it.’ And I didn’t.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, running my hands over my arms to keep out the cold, my skin already laden with trembling goose flesh. “You didn’t repeat it.”

He was right. I had said that. But it was a promise made to a man with a concussion. I figured he wouldn't remember, and in the end I was the one who forgot all about it. It was a joke, something I said just to appease him while he was dealing with mental and physical torture.

“Funny how that’s what you remember.”

“Well, when your girlfriend is giving you permission to sleep with someone else for a night, you’re going to remember.”

“But why didn’t you tell me before you did?” I groaned, turning away from him. “Why did you do it behind my back?”

To this, Seth had no reply. A grin crossed his lips as he opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. His mouth closed quietly. He was unsure of himself, for once in his life.

After all, what could he say to get me crawling back?

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s not good enough, Seth. Did you not trust me? Did you think that, deep down, you knew that what I said was a joke, but you still wanted to use it as proof against me?”

“No, babe, I—”

“Because you had to have known I’d be pissed at you for not reminding me of this before you did anything.”

Seth was inches from me, I could feel him. He was so warm, and I hated myself for melting against him. “If you just give me another chance…” he whispered, his breath tickling my ear.

“Seth…” I moaned, my own body working against me as it leaned into his. I had no control. The scruff of his beard scratched at the crook of my shoulder, lightly peppering my skin with soft kisses.

“Baby…just. One more shot. I’ll be good.” His mouth suckled gently on the most sensitive part of my neck. “Let me prove that I deserve you.”

My eyelashes fluttered, eyes closing for a moment. It would be so easy… to just let him get away with what he did. So fucking easy. But then again — we were both to blame. That much, I couldn’t deny. I said something I didn't mean, and that was wrong. Not exactly on the same level as his own mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.

I turned to him.

“I need time. Time away from you. When that time’s over, I’ll let you know what I’ve decided.” I braced myself for his reaction.

But all I got was a half smile.

“Okay,” he nodded. “If that’s what it takes.”

Last Note: An ambiguous ending for the most complicated persona (in my opinion) that I know. Seth, you stupid fuck, I hate to love you.

Tag List:

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[1800-seungshine]

ludic.

member: park woojin. genre(s): high school!au, hoobae!woojin summary: ludic. (adj) - full of fun and high spirits. in which park woojin finds himself entangled in the antics of the school’s troublemaker sunbae. (requested - bullet point format) word count: 1.6k

note: the very first request ever on this blog! thank you so much to the anon that sent this ;; i was going to format it in paragraphs but somehow i ended up going bullet-point format and and i don’t know i feel nervous presenting this bc i fear that it won’t reach your expectations but i hope that you’ll like it anon!  btw, thank you so much for all the reblogs, likes and follows that i’ve received throughout the week. it means a lot to me heheh! i’ll try to continue working hard ;; i really, seriously, truthfully, completely, thank you all! < 3333

you were known around the school as the school’s lucky trouble maker 

notorious for pulling light-hearted pranks, sleeping through classes or completely skipping it, and occasionally picking fights (which fyi is often bc of something you find injustice and for students can’t stand up for themselves so you just butt in and use your fists as a representative) 

and for majority of the trouble you cause, you usually escape the consequences and get out of it with light warnings and punishment 

hence the ‘lucky’ bit in your title

basically you’re the definition of the ‘c package’ 

authornim what in the world is a ‘c package’ - well obvs you wouldn’t know cos i made it up duh. 

cute, charming and cool. (it’s as lame as me i know but i’m proud) 

everyone just loves you okay

well,,, not really everyone bc there are a few students (mainly the ones you picked fights with) who hate your guts and a few teachers who don’t know what fun means 

but somewhere within the school, there’s one person who doesn’t really get the memo and is confused on why everyone’s whipped for you

introducing park woojin everybody

the first time he heard about you was from a conversation one lunch break when his friends were fanboying talking about you. “who are you talking about?” 

inserts daehwi’s dramatic gasp “oH mY gOd YoU dON’T knOW?!?! lol bye you’re deleted. idk who you are.”

he earned a lot of insults from his friends in one sitting that day

“have you been living under a rock” - park jihoon 

“how dumb are you to not know who y/n sunbae is, you’ve been here for as long as she has.” - bae jinyoung 

“hyung, are you sure you’re not the foreign student, like wth even i know who y/n is.” - lai guanlin

he felt so attacked, “well i didn’t know it was requirement to know who this person is to be socially accepted here.” 

but dw his ass was forgiven after he got forced to listen to the four of them educating him about you, “don’t you feel enlightened now?” cue woojin’s eyes going 360 into the galaxy bc he done w/ their crap

aNYWAYS BACK TO THE STORY

woojin just hears numerous stories about you like how you once won this verbal fight against this rude popular senior and her clique who were bullying a tenth grade student, or the time you pulled a prank on this serious teacher that no one saw laugh until you placed a whoopee cushion on his seat (you still got detention for that though smh), or when you were the matchmaker for pdhpe teachers, mr. park and ms. kang who are now the school’s couple goals and just other great things about you

so apart from that one time when he was zoning out in maths class and out of the window he saw you climbing over the school’s fence to skip class (he finally understood why some students refer to you as the cute fence girl)

woojin has never really encountered you before

which is really strange bc he’s developing a slight crush on you after hearing what other people say and also seeing you from afar during lunch breaks

like the sound of your personality is like making his heart go ‘!!!!’ and he can’t even explain what he’s feeling 

but he’s blaming his friends for it

and so this all changed when a classmate of yours pranked you by pouring a bucket of water at you one lunch break and in return you started a water fight in the cafeteria 

the principal heard about the chaos and started to quickly head that way 

so he witnessed you pull the fire alarm and he calls your name with pure rage that you were damn sure he was gonna hulk smash you

“HEY MR. KIM. BYE MR. KIM.”

you made a run for it

mEANWHILE woojin just left the library and was walking towards the school canteen 

from afar he sees this girl coming closer and closer, running as if her life depended on it (cos it lowkey actually did) and he had this feeling that it was you

so as soon as you came close enough that his eyes could make clear of your appearance, he was proven right 

but further along the distance, he also sees the teachers who suck up to the principal and the principal himself trying to catch up to you

and being the smart kid he is, woojin moves to the side so he doesn’t block your way

however, you weren’t exactly the brightest during that moment and thought that he’d have to snitch on where you were gonna go and get you in more trouble

hence why you grabbed his hand and woojin’s now running with you.

rip woojin

you two manage to pass the school gates, cross the traffic light and hide into an alleyway seconds before the teachers reach up the gates

so you’re both heavily panting, he’s sh00k and awkward bc wth he didn’t even sign up for this crap but he immediately forgives you once he hears you break into laughter, causing him to do the same 

“sorry for dragging you.” you say sheepishly as you send an apologetic smile, “in my head, i was thinking you could have snitched and you could put me in more trouble but now that i realise, you wouldn’t have known where i was going in the first place.” 

“and now i got you into trouble too.” you mumbled to yourself sadly before your bottom lip juts into a pout

legit his heart started to parkour in his chest when he saw you pout bc he didn’t know you could be this cute??? like he expected it but he didn’t really expect it yknow

“ah, no..uhm...” he replies with a shy smile, “it’s..uh...it’s okay. i don’t mind.” 

what a shy awkward bean omg omg dONT YOU JUST LOVE HIM 

you let out a chuckle as you look at him, casually going on your toes to pat his head, “you’re pretty cute, park woojin.” 

woojin was sure he was gonna melt into a puddle after that like he doesn’t even know if he’s breathing or nah but whatever- he’s standing next to his crush who just called him cute. hE GOT CALLED CUTE. BY HIS CRUSH. 

w a i t 

“uh...h-how did you know my name?” he says in a confused manner bc he doesn’t seem to remember telling you-

you point at the right side of his chest, “well the name tag says park woojin and i’m assuming that you’re the park woojin that the younger students are talking about.” 

“o-oh.” 

w a i t  p t  2

“what?” he says after recalling the second bit of your words. 

“you don’t know?” you say to him before you clear your throat and begin to imitate one of the ninth grade girls you tend to overhear, “park woojin - cute snaggletooth oppa. the most adorable awkward bean with reversal charms; he’s super shy but really sexy when he dances. ah, he’s so dreamy.” 

you end your acting as you clasp your hands together and you start to laugh as you notice the dark shade of red on his cheeks, paired with his red ears. 

“i didn’t know i was seen in that kind of light.” he shyly mutters to himself causing you to grin even more bc damn this boi is kinda really cute. 

“well, i can kinda see why they think of you that way.” you reply back with another grin as you notice his cheeks becoming red once again, “you just don’t know about it since the younger grades are good about keeping it lowkey from the seniors.” 

you look out of the alley, knowing that the teachers would have given up looking for you and you turn back around to him with another breathtaking smile. 

“well, you’re not really going to get any punishment apart from a detention since i’ll take all the blame for today, so mr. reversal charms how about i make up for causing you trouble by spending the rest of the school hours, skipping classes with me?”   

woojin remains in silence, almost as if he’s deciding your offer

but lmao he’s just freaking out internally bc you’re making his heart beat even faster than usual and it’s unhealthy for his kokoro plus how will he act cool around you?!?!? 

however you considered his silence as a yes and you take his hand into yours, gently dragging him causing his heart to flip. “i won’t take no for an answer, park woojin and even if it’s my first time to use it to be authoritative, you should say yes to your sunbae.” 

“o-okay, sunbaenim.” “good.” 

so now you’re just both walking wherever your feet may lead you like what you usually do when you skip classes

but his eyes are fixed on both of your hands and you look at where he’s looking before you flash a grin at him, “let’s just say that your hand looked heavy so i’m here to help you with that.” 

“wow she’s pretty cheesy. more emphasis on the pretty bit though.”

he hears you burst into laughter and he instantly covers his mouth with his free hand, realising that he didn’t just think it but he said it too. 

“d-did i say that out loud? god, i didn’t mean to. i swear- i’m so sorry ahh...this is so embarrassing.” 

but you’re just there laughing and quite close to tears which makes him lowkey satisfied bc even if he embarrassed himself in front of you, he’s making you smile (ong my goodness this is so pure and cheesy idek) 

after you calm yourself down, you shake your head in amusement.  “don’t be sorry, if anything, i’m kinda glad that my dumb ass dragged you, park woojin.”  

and so for the rest of the day, woojin finds himself falling for you harder than he had imagined. 

maybe getting into trouble will be worth it after all. 

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW33+

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Armstrong

IN: Foden

Was close to saving but that isn't fun so I decided to have fun instead. Stu the lad did a job for me when I called on him, and shielded the bench well in the ensuing games, but with rough fixtures incoming he seemed expendable.

Foden is just good and fun and as previously mentioned I'm trying to have fun. I have no clue when he'll start but just making the play based on how he's looked and how easy it was to stick him into my team given my team structure. Not owning any City and avoiding off the restart has been one of my worst calls in a while, maybe of the whole season, so getting someone in feels good. Theoretically he could give Phil all the minutes he can handle so I'll be having some of that.

GK:

de Gea (BOU)

DDG with two cleans in three has been really solid. Banker feels good, get in there Daveed.

DEF:

Maguire (BOU)

The Slabhead double up goes again, and it's been working so far. They are dominating teams and the fixtures make for good reading so I'm fully expecting the cleans to continue to flow.

Doherty & Boly

The Dock and Boly are in for me with Saiss on the bench.

I'm stepping back on the usual treble defense to just run two out against Arsenal which seems prudent. I still envision Wolves controlling the game but you never know up against a team with the firepower of Arsenal if they can nick something.

Unlike dodging City, going all in on ManU and Wolves defense have been a masterstroke with 5 cleans in 6 games just been stacking points. Long may it continue.

MID:

Salah & Mane (AVL)

Mo and Mane..like...fuck. Need a spanking here.

Been getting absolutely ravaged by all the other people with City players while I sit here with the Reds who've been tame in comparison.

Villa home, I am expecting a reaction here. Villa have been tight and good so far, but, they are visiting Anfield with a bunch of actual bad shitehouses on their team with the worst manager in the division. I am expecting a battering here so let's go.

Foden (sou)

New boy Fodeninho is in there, obv sweating the teamsheet for him as it would be not so fun to see him benched for his inaugural game in my team but the counter could be on with the way Soton play so we'll see.

Pulisic (WAT)

Pulisic came in with a couple assists for just falling down last game and looked, once again, the man most likely. Good near term fixtures and with them needing to win every game he seems like a really really good pick for the run in. Just hope he doesn't get hurt.

Fernandes (BOU)

Lastly, Bruno. Good lad.

FWD:

Kane and DCL lead the line with their teams up against each other.

Spurs defending was an actual laugh riot against the Blades last game - Dier's perfect game not withstanding - so I still back DCL.

Calvert-Lewin (tot)

I'm seeing a lot of DCL hate, and ok I get it he blanked thru the restart, but he's still putting up good stats. I just believe in him and really like him. Happy to hold and happy to start no matter who they are playing and unless his price is mental next season it seems difficult for me to imagine him not being in my GW1 team.

Kane (EVE)

Kane...I mean....whatever...he's fine or something. Not exciting, but he's back to playing center forward and involved in their good actions. It's just too bad all of his teammates are utter bags of wank. I am not expecting much this game from him, but with Bournemouth up next, he remains.

CAP:

Salah (AVL)

Rolling with Mo this weekend.

Bruno seems safer but Mo seems more explosive. He's been properly on it lately and has looked really really good...just missing that final ball slightly. No one would be surprised with a hat against Villa and fuck me Livp seem due a pen. As I said earlier, I expect a reaction here after getting fucked by City.

Do it Mo.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Aubameyang, Saka, Traore, and Son

IN (for -8 points): Connolly, Pulisic, Mahrez, De Bruyne

I mean what the hell...

I had a rough night, hence no pod, and I turned it into a -8 buffet of fuck.

I’m getting the guys who’re pissing me off and the guys who are bad picks the fuck outta my team and getting a ton of last week’s points... Chasing points, never bad right????

But seriously City are destroying every single team for fun and I see no reason for them to let off. Keep’em sharp for UCL and all that... Puli is great and Connolly will mostly ride the bench but has Norwich this week.

There are only six GWs left so I’m going for it. Not gonna play boring and safe in this moment with my shit ass rank.

GK:

Ederson (sou)

Eddy clean vs. Liverpool was pretty unexpected but we take those points I guess. So far hasn’t been worth going expensive keeper (is it ever worth???) but City could pretty realistically clean the next six straight so here’s to hoping for that. Southampton away, Newc home, Brighton away, Bourne home, Watty away, and Norwich home I mean come on...

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold (AVL)

What a cluster fuck that was vs. City just hoping the lads rebound and Trent is in the XI... Neco might get a couple starts for the rest of the season just hoping it doesn’t start now. Should be an easy clean with upside of attacking returns.

Maguire (BOU)

Pzez.

Doherty (ARS)

Dock and Wolves cleans are flying hopefully some attacking returns coming soon. Arsenal can be got at.

MID:

De Bruyne & Mahrez (sou)

Couple new friends, but old friends renewed.

Not having Kev was diabolical as not having Kev often is. On pens now makes him so much more explosive and just straight up great as an FPL option. Seems pretty impossible to ignore his points at this juncture. Also Pep keeps playing him 90′ I duno... Main man, workhorse, probably future captain? He’s great.

Mahrez is sexy and I came out the gates with him but didn’t respect him and ditched for Son. Horrific move in hindsight but didn’t know Spurs would be this trash and Son would be relegated to the Willian role.

Fernandes & Martial (BOU)

Ole sketching me out in his presser makes neither of these guys cap options imo but they’re still great picks and I’m happy to have’em and they should absolutely fuck Bournemouth sideways.

Pulisic (WAT)

Last time I owned Pulisic (GWs 14-20) he put up some incredible points for me: 2, 2, 2, 3, 0, 1, 0 so yeahhhhh gonna be GREAT GUYS HE’S SO GOOD HIS UNDERLYING STATS OMFGGGGG..........

But seriously he’s really fucking good and his stats are too so whatever. Trust the process. But I’m scared. Who knows maybe Fourth of July Pulisic is super-powered...

FWD:

Jimenez (ARS)

Jim’s a consistent fuck but I wish I doubled defense with Walsh and saved a bunch of millions of pounds. The forwards right now are a dumpster fire man fuck me. Come on Jim....

Connolly (nor)

Setting my alarm for really early like 6am (1.5 hours from now LOL) or whatever to see if there’s a lineup leak and O’Conno is in the XI or not... If he’s not starting I think I’ll go Enda Stevens at Burnley over DCL at Spurs...

But hopefully the young firecracker gets a go at the disaster of the Canaries.

CAP:

Mahrez (sou)

As much as reading into minutes played and predicting Pep’s rotation is folly it’s also all we got... Kev has played 90′ in a couple straight and he’s certainly not needed for St. Mary’s clash so I’m skirting him for cap (although in a world where both are nailed I think Kev is the better cap)...

Mahrez seemed to nail himself to “first choice XI” and Jesus is actually trash so I’m hoping he gets in there and gets to terrorize that Soton backline all day on Sunday.

High risk high ceiling high upside let’s get it.

[nothingbetterthanblog]

Pancakes: you gotta jive if you wanna shrive in Pancake Land (plus my special banana pancake recipe).

(For the recipe, scroll to the end!)

You know that scene in Matilda where she makes pancakes and dances to ’Send me on my way’ by Rusted Root? It’s the most groovy scene ever. Not only because we see Matilda’s awesome magic powers, but despite all odds, she has such a good vibe. Music, pancakes and magic. Brilliant start to a film.

I try to recreate that scene a little every time I make pancakes, because why wouldn’t you? It feels good to indulge in a bit of kitchen boogying and to spend some time imagining that I’m a fictional, magical child that is a lot cooler than myself. She’s got super powers for goodness sake. So we know that pancakes are whimsical, fun, and need a little bit of magic to send you on your way, but they also remind me of birthdays. From as early as I can remember all the way up to the present day, my birthday morning has usually gone like this: demolish an obscene amount of pancakes (upwards of ten), then decide that I shouldn’t have another one because really that would be the one that made this whole debacle appear greedy, and at this ripe old age I should really be keeping it classy.

Hands down, my favourite part in the pancake-making regime, is dancing along while you’re going. I’d go as far as saying that it’s part of the recipe and it truly makes the pancakes taste a lot better. I advise that you come up with a dance that works for you. My pancake-making dance is very silly, a little intrusive, and looks about 50% more awkward than is actually funny. But it does make me happy, and that’s the point. When I was at university in Birmingham, there were far too many essay questions being thrown around, and far too many wonderful nights spent watching Gilmore Girls with my housemates. This perfect procrastination often caused what I can only describe as “a week from hell” towards the end of term, in which we attempted to smash those deadlines. The only way we got through the work was to have frequent “dance breaks” in which we chose to dramatically boogie to either a Taylor Swift or Beyonce song. The sheer physical exertion and hilarity of star-jumping around to “Countdown”, or “We Are Never Getting Back Together”, meant that our spirits were lifted, and we remembered that life can be fun too. This is the purest example I can give to show you what the pancake dance is all about. And thanks to social distancing, it’s unlikely that anyone else will see your crazy moves, so go wild!

DISCLAIMER: In this next section I relate pancakes to social distancing in a way that makes this blog not only 100% relevant, but also #relatable. It’s gonna be great.

So, there’s a pandemic going on at the moment, and we’re all staying at home. Yes, I am bringing up the elephant in the room. The elephant is in the room because she has to stay at home for the time being, due to the current climate. We’re all very worried at times, hyper at other times, and, let’s face it, just as freaked out and grumpy as we usually are the rest of the time. And quite frankly, it’s not helping the situation having elephants in every room, and it’s starting to get really cramped. Who knows what the best reaction to this is? Should we throw our arms up into the air, frantically run around the room, and scream “CAROLE BASKIN!” in a southern accent? Perhaps, yes. We can’t expect ourselves to react perfectly or normally to this very imperfect and abnormal situation.

Take pancakes, for example. The first one’s the throw-away. What a beautiful saying to provide you with confidence even in the face of complete failure. “Don’t worry if that pancake is terrible, that always happens the first time! In fact, here in Pancake Land we welcome you to fall flat on your face at the very first hurdle! Yes, that literal hurdle just there, right in front of you now, just beyond the gates into Pancake Land. That hurdle represents your first pancake which will be burnt on the outside whilst somehow raw in the middle. But if it does, that just means it’s working. You’re fitting in wonderfully in Pancake Land!”. I love applying this approach to any situation. It’s not a new idea, it’s just accepting that nothing is perfect. We’ve never had to stay at home on this scale before, so I say we see it as the first, shitty pancake. The first pancake, that we choose to put all of our effort into, and yet it turns around to bite us in the butt. And it happens to us all. That’s pretty much where this analogy ends because fingers crossed, after the coronavirus outbreak ends, we won’t throw another one on the heat just to churn out a more successful pandemic. All I’m saying is, there’s no right way to do this, so let’s stick together, spread the joy, and spread some magic on those pancakes in true Matilda style.

Finally, for when you’re next feeling crêpe (I’m sorry, I just had to…), below is my own special recipe for very delicious banana pancakes, just for you. Indulge in the whimsical, shake your sexy hips, and enjoy frying up a breakfast that you love. Whether you prefer that fluffy american style, if you like to chomp on chocolatey chunks, or if you’re feeling french, there’s nothing better than pancakes.

Grace’s 5-Step Banana Pancakes

YOU WILL NEED:

1 funky album that makes dancing and smiling irresistible to you (my recommendations: Brothers & Sisters by Lakuta, Geography by Tom Misch, Graceland by Paul Simon) 2 bananas 2 eggs 5 tbsp of self-raising flour (approx.) 1/2 cup of milk 1 big sprinkle of cinnamon (approx.) A big pinch of salt Unlimited butter for the pan (obvs.)

Recipe for 5-6 big, fluffy pancakes… multiply those quantities for more joy.

METHOD:

Step 1: Put on your fabulous album and start to groove.

Step 2: Mash the bananas in a bowl and beat in the eggs and the milk.

Step 3: Gradually add the self raising flour and beat with a fork. I normally follow my intuition here - you want a reasonably thick and gloopy consistency, but not too thick. We are aiming for lovely fluffy boys after all. Add more flour if it’s too thin.

Step 4: Add your cinnamon and a big pinch of salt, with some panache baby!

Step 5: Cook ‘em up! Heat your pan up at a low heat with a knob of butter in there, then drop half a ladle of batter onto the pan and sing “Woohoo!”. Flip when you feel funky, or when you see the top starting to show air holes.

Keep droppin’ that sweet, sweet batter and flipping those ‘cakes till you just don’t care! Serve with yummy toppings like blueberries, icing sugar, golden syrup or nutella for the ultimate delish treat.