#of course I couldn't stop myself
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Finally back, with a lil more of Chill's Artist Admiration Sketchbook; making fanart for blogs I like :D
@kingspacebar
Accessoires and colours my beloved <3 <3 <3
#(The tags are gonna be a bit of an essay I apologize :P )#I only realized late that I was mixing the designs of different references that all had slightly diff accessoires#So I just decided to add them all#I always say I want to draw more bright colours because I love them so much and then I never do because I'm bad at colour palettes#I'm always super impressed with artists who can make them all work SO well together#With that out of the way OMG I LOVE THESE CHARACTER DESIGNS SO MUCH!!!!#Had to stop myself from going into the askbox multiple times to gush about them; because I wanted to wait until now#The colours are so good! AND THE CLOTHES!!! I wish I looked like that fr fr#I also just love the way the eyes and the faces look (you don't wanna know *how* often I changed the size/position of those eyes /lh)#Of course; rhythm games my beloved! Couldn't not include a little Osu! in the background#But srs going back to colours I had to compose myself multiple times while drawing this because I loved them so much#This character did smth to my brain /pos#(I forgot what Tumblr's tag limit is and I still have to add stuff so I'll stop here but aaaaaah)#no id#other's ocs#fursona#fanart#cw eyestrain#<- just in case; maybe I'm a bit over-careful with this tag lol#chill's art#chill's artist admiration sketchbook
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POV Daniel who hasn't seen his son-in-law in ??? years when he shows up at your door
#malevolent#malevolent spoilers#Arthur Lester#Faroe Lester#I am once again#unable to stop myself staying up too late#listening and doodling#I LOVE when a character's journey has been physically transformative#even if arthur's is the bad version#delicious to me#but of course that means#couldn't stop thinking of the difference between the last time#Daniel likely saw him and when he shows up at his door again
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Treatment plan is going swimmingly, as you would imagine (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Vargas#DAX#Edgar#ZEX#Scriabin#Look who it is! Handsome faces abound <3#Finally Some* explanation of why Edgar and Scriabin are around the SCII co. (*Explanation not guaranteed) lol#Tiny Sims thought bubbles about their extroverted troublemaking counterparts hehe <3#I love how Extremely Obvious it is (to me anyway) that I'm Way more confident drawing Edgar lol#His shapes are completely ingrained in my hand now - DAX is still a bit of a learning process I'll get more consistent as I go#The Vargases are just so shaped agh too fun stop this#Still strongly considering digitizing that first one as well for funsies and meme purposes haha I can't help myself#DAX was So not-about pretending to be a loyalist lol self-disgust all over#Thinking an awful lot about ZEX's ex - I'm sure it's nothing#He haaated talking one-on-one(?) with a human for an hour haha DAX! You'll have to get used to it! Like he doesn't hear that enough lol#ZEX <3 The Troublemaker he is!#Edgar of course couldn't catch a break all the way around lol ahhh such a shame DAX is so quiet I loved when Scriabin tried to poke him hehe#He's so mean <3 The spooks! Lovely to watch them all dodge each other in their specific ways haha ♪#Quick cut in of DAX as he sees himself - ZEX also has that at times hehe it's cute! They're VUX at heart it's to be expected#''Shoo'' - DAX 24/7 haha#It's funny to doodle him here cursing when really he's quite polite for the most part - just some internal cursing#Then again he doesn't say much generally lol#ZEX listen to your subordinate he feels bad! ZEX wouldn't think he'd done anything wrong DAX is just neurotic like that lol#Defensive hugs! Edgar doesn't care and isn't interested you're growling at shadows DAX lol#There's very little he wouldn't do for ZEX! He loves him! Looking like a fool is a small price to pay for a false positive#Better than a false negative when it comes to protecting that extremely danger-attracted Admiral of his haha <3
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Thinking about cowboy bepop again...
#I had to make Faye a magical girl#i couldn't stop myself#she would of course have a gun as her magical staff whatever#also catboy spike#cause you can babygirl poor mew mew any character#anyway eventually Ill actually learn how to draw chibis and shade/highlight#not today tho!#cowboy bebop#spike spiegel#faye valentine#swordfish#my art
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it's like. everything happens so much. it's all happening right now but at the same time nothing is happening whatsoever. it's a liminal space of an existence. it's slowly crushing me under the weight but when I look up there's nothing actually bearing down on me. there shouldn't be any weight. something is wrong but nothing has happened. I'm simultaneously overwhelmed and utterly bored. nothing is happening and maybe that's the everything that's happening. maybe the everything is the nothing. we aren't there yet but it's all so imminent. either everything is going to crash down or nothing is. I'm just waiting to figure out which.
#I refuse to be upset at anyone. I have so much love in my heart#but I'm going to pack formal clothes for my sister in my own bag just in case. she doesn't need to know that.#you couldn't pay me to care or to stop caring. it's cognitive dissonance#because I know this won't always affect me but it's my whole world right now#I say I don't care and I mean it but at the same time I care more than anything else#it's actually almost scary how much I relate to dark alley#not in a ''I'm in a mentally dark or dangerous place'' way but in a ''yeah I compare myself to others too much'' way#and then I try to make excuses so it can make sense to other people so they won't think the worst of me#like literally I'm trying not to think about fall but it's right around the corner and I'm. falling into it I guess#pun intended of course. I don't want to lose all my friends#I want to be one of the kids who gets invited to people's houses for lunch after church and I know I never will be#because that's the kind of thing that's only for the kids who are going someplace. not the ones who stay#I'm feeling very selfish and it's probably bc I'm tired lol this happens sometimes#I'm gonna make dinner for my family and then I'll feel better skskskskk#Lu rambles#sometimes I think I could write poetry#I feel like once my vacation is actually imminent I'll feel better I just haaate the point we're at right now#which is like. it's SOON but not THAT SOON so I feel like I can't do anything bc I'm just waiting for things to get going :/
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You know when you can physically feel your brain slipping into shipping hell, and it's an unstoppable process?
How do you call it when Brain starts to think and think about a certain ship, and you start to kinda like it but something blocks you, so your thoughts are spinning the wheels in this uncomfortable position and you go to look up fan material but nothing pushes you past that obstacle so you start to ponder about it and it's so so so tiring?
#in other news i am in the mood to analyze hectorcard and helia#because of fucking course#and others i am too ashamed to admit on main#why couldn't i get a brain that let's me do productive shit? so that i'd be doing something useful in life?#nooooooooo i get the stupid character obsessed pseudo autism#too scared to talk too weak to stop thinking i hate myself#shipping
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me, before starting to rewatch dr who: I can be normal about david tennant as the doctor
me now:
#doctor who#david tennant#i am sosososososo normallllll#literally the piece of media that convinced me that actually i have hyperfixations#literally ruined the end of grade 12 watching it during covid i couldn't stop myself from bingeing 5 episodes in a row like twice daily#even though i saw him in good omens first this is the role that made me absolutely obsessed with david tennant in the first place#he is just soo...#but i can be normal about it i promise i don't think about what devil he sold his soul to be able to make me cry with one line#or the tenth doctor's tragic arc over the course of his three seasons and they way his development is beautifully written#or david's big brown eyes and crooked nose and adorable freckles and spiky fluffy hair#or the two best companions in the whole show who are both so good for him in different but important ways#or poor martha the long-suffering who was betrayed by the writers and the narrative and the doctor and had so much potential#but was victim to the doctor's post-rose angst :(#i don't spend any of the time that i should be working on my academic resoponsiblities thinking about these things no sir#nia originals
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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Some agnsty Randy doodles + a sketch inspired by "Aftermath" fic on ao3
#ah yes my favourite depressed academic dreamer actually being depressed#love that#randolph carter#lovecraft#cthulhu mythos#rantep#because of course I couldn't stop myself from adding here nyarly#my mind is broken at this point xDDDD#haha gay#horror#eldritch horror#nyarlathotep
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experienced fuckigjn sleep paralysis thrice in a row i thought i was dying hhelp
#context: took a 30 min nap because im rly sick#i had to wake up to have lunch. but couldn't. i saw myself on my bed#(i'll explain the rest now on the tags it might make some uncomfortable so stop reading of thats the case)#and i tried to take off my blanket? but it was tying me down to my bed. and tried moving my body but it wouldn't answer#i could hear myself coughing but i couldn't talk????#which is horrible bc i kept wanting to call for help lmao#this happened thrice because when i thought i could finally move nope. happened again#until i like. opened my eyes fully and saw i COULD move#not the first time it happens to me but THRICE i thought i was dying ngl#of course the first thing i thought about was going on tumblr#and vent it out. oof#lazutxt
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hello. sorry i disappeared again i think this is just who i am now. finally living my dreams of being a cryptid
i wrote like a chapter and a half of a fuckign ladybug fic today. it is cringe but i am free. who is interested (it's not gonna follow canon very closely at all because i do not care it is for my enjoyment)
#i'm fine i just have depression and chronic issues and i have decided to stop forcing myself to post when i am not well#disappearances are probably just part of my brand at this point#me coming back from the dead once again#miraculous ladybug#the oc is named raven romero renato he's so bbygirl#he's got anxiety but he's also an adrenaline junkie which makes a terrible terrible combination.#of course he's given a miraculous and this just makes it so much worse#he's a coyote btw#and like a model n shit but who cares about that. show me this man vigilante-ing#(i am making them actual vigilantes not just responding to akuma attacks)#(i'm also aging them up because... 14 year old superheroes.......... insert throwing up emoji)#he also has trauma ofc hes my oc but it's also kind of a crackfic#if you couldn't tell his love interest is adrien#and maybe a little luka but idk. they might just be besties instead#marinette will be severely less creepy and things will overall be changed to fit my headcanons. cope.
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Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:
are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do
are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)
have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at
completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days
are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months
✨and✨
are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights
YET
you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do
because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?
Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.
#i'm actually really really scared at this point#i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic)#the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college#i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T#eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that#i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't#i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that#i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING#like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK#idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze#i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope.#god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes#personal#executive dysfunction#adhd#depression#actually adhd#actually depressed#untreated adhd#vent#vent tw#vent cw#tw vent#cw vent#mental illness#mental illness tw
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[Silly shenanigans in the tags, just need to vent, don't mind me]
#so my colleague used to be a flight assistant and she is supposedly skilled in first aid okay#i have autonomic dysfunction which is a common comorbidity of my genetic condition#long story short i faint A LOT#it's not the first time it happened to me while working with my colleague but the other times there was either somebody else present#who could assist me or i've otherwise always managed to ride out the presyncope in a safe way#today it was just me and her and i felt it coming and i went down like in a weird way#next thing i know i am lying down on the veranda while my colleague is in tears completely panicked#because of course when someone faints what can you do? drag them across the floor and carpet for several mts and bring them outside 🤦🏻♀️#and now i have huge bruises on both of my arms in the shape of my colleague's fingers#i am perfectly fine now but the whole situation was so silly! and i also have rug burns on my lower back 💀#so much for someone trained in first aid#thank god i know how to deal with this shit myself lmaooo#just let me pass out in peace 💀#my colleague just couldn't stop shaking for the whole shift because she thought i had cracked my skull open ⚰️
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Looking to order a new plushie in honor of my birthday today
#obviously the plush wont be here in time cause again my birthday is literally right now right this second#but this is a gift I wanna get myself#especially because Im sad today. its been a very mid bday#my fam took me out to lunch but my sis took part of my food cause we always trade some#but it ended up being half ofmy portion so I didn't get to eat a lot of the main course#amd other than that I've done literally everything else I do daily today#like I went to look around the nearby mall which Im at literally every day cause its close to work/is my bus stop#and then went home after an hour because I've already seen literally everything there#and now I get to sit at home on the corner of my bed on my phone. ir maybe draw on my pc#like I do every day of my life#amd Im sure some people will be like “why didn't you do smth different” couldn't because I have tp bus everywhere#amd nobody wanted to wake up or get dressed to go out until 2#then we went to eat. amd by the time we were done it was 4#so too late to travel by bus anywhere interesting cause it'd take an hour n a half/2 hours to arrive at wherever#caus by time we get there we gotta get the bus in an hour or 2 before it stops running for the day#and maybe I should just be grateful fpr a normal day and that I got to spend it with family#but my family sucks but I am appreciative#but this is a milestone birthday#idk if it's selfish t want a little more than the norm or not because of it. my mind is leaning towards yes#but anyways. plushies#idk whatIm getting yet#I want something colorful I think#I'll show pics when I choose/order#viti shoosh
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.
#god! why is having a meltdown the most embarrassing thing in the world? even a day later#i hate beeing aware of every single thought and feeling i'm feeling while not being able to put a finger on what it is#and also being aware of every feeling and thought people around me are probably having#and then not knowing what the fuck to do to stop them from acting angry at me or just not talking to me at all#i know seeing someone going completely insane is not a fun feeling for people but i'm not doing it on purpose#could we pretend it didn't happen when it's over?#it's not that i'm not telling you what's going on in a calmed manner because i hate you and want you to worry#i'm not talking because i CAN'T and even if i could I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING#i spent all day yesterday trying to avoid having a meltdown and when i finally failed#i was crying by myself in silence not bothering anyone#but of course my mom seeing me cry made my anxiety and embarrassement spike and then my brain was gone#so not being able to explain to her what was going on made HER upset with ME and i just couldn't deal with that so i had to go to sleep#but i woke up today and she's being so cold to me and i can't help but feel guilty because I KNOW it's because of me that she's like that#and there's nothing i can do about it#i want to apologize but i literally don't know what to pologize for cause i didn't do anything wrong?#i don't think i did? and what's the point of apologizing if i don't think i did something wrong?#i'm not going to be those people who say ''i'm sorry you feel this way'' cuase that's not an apology!#i fee like shit mentally. physically. emotionally AND have to deal with my mom acting angry and offended and cold#idk what to do#i should have stayed in bed#but no... i'm ranting on the internet#angel talks#personal
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Earlier I just wanted to quickly put away some nail polish that was standing around in the bathroom. Well anyway that was five hours ago and I just went through all my nail polishes and decluttered the ones that were so thick that even nail polish thinner wouldn't help, and the ones that I haven't used in years and don't actually like anymore 🙃
Everything hurts, there's empty (open) nail polish bottles on the floor because they need to dry out before I can throw them away, it absolutely stinks of nail polish and obviously I didn't even wear a mask because I hadn't planned on opening that many (or any) nail polish bottles.
All that just to get rid of like 20-25 bottles of nail polish 🙃 Yeah sure that was totally worth it and a great use of my time, right, yeah.
#I fucking hate the way my brain works#this has been on my to do list for several months and I couldn't make myself do it#but of course my brain says 'now's good' at midnight when I have to get up at 10.#and of course once I start I can't stop until I'm done#great!#but hey at least I finished my audiobook and started another one (and I took so long that I'm already 30% done with it 🙃)#personal
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