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antiyourwokehomophobia2 · 8 days

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God nerfed my misandry by making all the trauma in my life come from women

#Not letting this one out gyns #Like I really can't completely hate men because I think I'd just become a genuine misanthrope #I'd say a good 95% of the trauma I've experienced in my life has come from other women #Like #My dad wasn't a perfect man but at least I never avoided leaving my room because I didn't want him to see me #I just interacted with my mom. It's 8 AM. No good morning or nothing. Just straight to a lecture #I really do hate this woman #If I'm honest my hatred of men comes form the stories other women have told #Of course I feel solidarity with my sisters #But in my own personal life? It's been women who have caused me the most harm #There's genuinely no contest

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wikipedie · 2 years

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grief is like a really ugly couch

I think grief is like a really ugly couch. It never goes away. You can decorate around it; you can slap a doily on top of it; you can push it to the corner of the room—but eventually, you learn to live with it. ― Jodi Picoult, Leaving Time

#the mentalist #quotes #patrick jane #i would say web weaving but there's not a lot of web weaving happening #initially I also had a bit of an essay accompanying this but it disappeared because of a tumblr glitch + my own stupidity #and i'm too tired to write it prettily but i still wanna write it so it'll be in the tags #a cute little fun surprise for whoever cares about and reads tags #so i made a different post talking about jane's grief but i was upset i didn't have enough space for the couch (pun unintended)#and i was thinking this morning about this quote and jane's couch and how it could be interpreted as a physical manifestation of his grief #as well as his willingness to open up to people #1. i love grief; grief is important to me. grief is permanent and i have been aware of grief in a form of another (in my own personal life)#for a very very very long time. so to see it in this show is...significant to me. i cherish this #now onto the actual analyzing. of course they never intended the couch to be a symbol for grief; but it becomes so.#he leans on the couch when he opens the Red John files; for support most likely - and it's a beginning of the process of dealing with grief #he is the only one who uses the couch. everyone knows it as jane's couch #in S4E23 Cho uses it briefly to rest and Rigsby asks him if Jane knows he's using his couch #Erica tries briefly (also in S4) to sit on the couch but he doesn't allow her the space #in fact the only two people we see that use the couch are Teresa Lisbon and Dennis Abbott #and this is the part about emotional availability. he only shares the couch with people whom he trusts #With Lisbon twice even #the couch is grief and the couch is love; the couch is support #there's nostalgia for the CBI times but there's also more to it #and that quote makes me go absolutely feral because #'eventually you learn to live with it' 😭 eventually you learn to live with grief and eventually you learn to accept it as part from yself #andand he is happy to see the couch; he missed the couch #-> you are not free from your grief but in healing you learn that it's okay; you cherish your grief; it was there with you and for you #yea anyways i will never not go mad about grief and trauma and how it's portrayed and handled.#and i already have 2 more sorta-proper essays that i want to write on the topic asdgfhdhjk. yea i'm literally not gonna stop

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lgbtlunaverse · 1 year

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POV switches in chapter 108

This is generally me trying to figure out which parts of the novel are from wei wuxian's limited perspective and which ones are omniscient, as they switch pretty frequently and without warning. And also specifcally because @darkfalcon-z asked in a reply to a post I made earlier today!

Obvious disclaimer that this meta looks pretty closely into specific wording, and that my source remains a translation. I haven't read the original text and so can't attest to my accuracy there.

So MDZS gets real messy with its narration. It obviously starts in omniscient with celebrating Wei Wuxian's death, but spends a lot of its time in limited, most exemplary shown by the enduring obliviousness wei wuxians has towards lan wangji's feelings never being explicitly undercut by the narration.

The novel... does NOT telepgraph when it switches povs. Moreover, wei wuxian does sometimes make confident statement about how other characters feel. Prime example being him talking about how jiang cheng would react to finding out about his core

This being, notably... NOT what Jiang Cheng's actual reaction is when he does find out. That's because wwx is working with incomplete information here, he didn't know Jiang Cheng was willing to lose his core for him to begin with.

Also, he afformentioned obliviousness to Lan Wangji leading to him, multiple times, attributing the wrong motivations to lan wangji's actions.

The novel doesn't outright say "wei wuxian assumed/ thought that jiang cheng would react like that" in the screenshot above, but it DOES clearly show, by leading with him thinking about why he thought he coudn't tell jiang cheng about the golden core transfer, that we're in his head at the moment. And so the following statements are also his thoughts, not omniscient narrations. The difference is very subtle. But it's there

So we're in chapter 108. right before Lan Xichen stabs Jin Guangyao, an we're clearly in omniscient.

Lan Xichen's feelings are stated plainly and there's not very much focus on Wei wuxian at all. It switches over briefly to him and lwj checking up on Wen Ning but his feelings are not overriding everything else.

Then the stab happens

We're still in omniscient here. "Lan xichen felt his heart go cold" a detail Wei Wuxian couldn't know, stated plainly as a matter of fact.

However.

I think this part

Is where we retreat from omniscient back into wei wuxian's pov. We're not told anything about either of these character's inner worlds, but do get some extra litte commentary that jgy was so slow that even Jin Ling could catch him with his eyes closed! That's not something either Lan Xichen or jgy would be thinking of right now. It is, however, a comment Wei Wuxian's inner monologue might think to make.

In the context of my earlier post, which this was inspired by. It also makes some assumptions. Namely, that Xichen is just going after jgy to catch him. It doesn't explicitly say so, because we're not in omniscient anymore but it's clear Wei Wuxian thinks so as he'll feel the need to warn him in a few seconds. This is interesting, as it directly contradicts a popular fan interpretation of this scene, that's become explicitly canonized in multipe adaptations, which is that Lan Xichen is intentionally going along with and is willing to die with him. I'm not saying this theory is correct based on its popularity alone, obviously. I was actually surprised to find out it was so vague when I read the novel considering its popularity!

By the next chapter we'll be unambiguously back into wei uxian's head, and after "Lan Xichen could no longer persuade himself to silence him again" which is in the paragraph before the one in the image above, we are no longer told any other character's feelings or inner thoughts except for Wei Wuxian's. Specifically, this:

So this describes wei wuxian realizing a "something" what something? well, this something.

Again, the difference is subtle. The statement of "He was fighting with his last breath to lead Lan Xichen towards Nie Mingjue, so they could die together!" might seem like another one of those "other charcters' feelings" statements. But we're not IN Jin Guangyao's head right now. This is describing actions, not thoughts. He's not trying to get away (a visible action wwx would be privy to) which must be because...see statement above.

And all of this is framed under the banner of Wei Wuxian saying he realized something, and that being that Jin Guangyao isn't trying to get away and Lan Xichen needs to get away from him because... see statement above. This line basically starts as a repitition of what Wei Wuxian said, repeating his assumption, and then clarifying what Wei Wuxian DOES think is happening. The whole paragraph between is just buildup for the payoff of what that "something" of the realization is. MXTX could have writtern "wei wuxian, however, realized something. Jin Guangyao wasn't trying to get away! Instead he was trying to lead Lan Xichen towards Nie Mingjue so they could die together" and them describe the scenario, it'd be functionally the same in the manner of what information was conveyed, but the little gap in setup and payoff increases suspense and makes the reveal more engaging. It's a good little writing trick!

That wording above does make it way more obvious that that statement? Is one of wei wuxian's. That's what HE thinks.

In the line where jgy pushes lan xichen away, we're still not privy to their feelings or thoughts at all.

But we do get this curious litle "yet,"

That means this is a subversion, something that goes against what was previously established. Namely, that jin guangyao would want lan xichen to get caught by nie mingjue. The actual reality of the situaton conrasts hat we were told earlier. it's a surprise. to who? Well, to all the other characters watching this go down. wwx among them. We get other little commentaries, like how the sight of jgy being choked by nmj is frightening, placing us even further away from his inner world and into the shoes of someone watching him in the temple.

The style being used here is similar to the one in the next chapter, when nie huasang's plan is unveiled. First you get bit of dialogue with clear implications from Wei Wuxian, and then we go into wei wxuxian's head. In a few lines it's explicitly established that he's questioning things, and we are following his line of thought. And then a whle account of nie huasang's plan is given. With no further affirmation that we're still in wei wuxian's head. That's based on context clues given prior. Is this recount of the plan correct? Most likely, yeah! But we're never expicitly told. We are still in wei wuxian's head.

This bit on Jin Guangyao is similar. From the removal of stating other character's feelings (a possible exception might be the statement that "Nie Mingjue is not afraid of spiritual weapons" but that is something observable to wwx who's been seeing nmj not give a shit for a good few minutes now. We get nothing he's not privy to) and a clear indication that we're inside his head now. What we get next is his reocunt of the events, and they're fairly factul as he simply tells us what he sees, but when he gets into the reasons for why things ar ehappening? Well, if we wanted to, we could doubt that.

#mdzs #mdzs meta #wei wuxian #god perspective in this novel is EXHAUSTING #every writing advice blog and course i've ever seen is like DON'T SWITCH POVS MID SCENE IT'S CONFUSING #and mxtx took that as a personal challenge #narrator so unreliable you don't even know who's narrating half the time #apologies for not including alt text! it's midnight here and the site i'm using to get these screenshots doesn't allow me to copy-paste!#i'll add id tomorrow morning

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iero · 7 months

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Had a panic attack that literally woke me up in the middle of the night last night and lasted until the early morning and let me tell you, that shit is TERRIFYING. Needless to say, I think I'm ready to go back to work.

#personal #Am I still in pain? Yes. Is it controllable when painkillers are taken though? Also yes. Somewhat.#Breaking news!#Girlie who doesn't have their mental health under control feels 100x worse being holed up in the place they live alone under for FOUR days #I literally have not left my house since my surgery on Wednesday morning...#And then I'm wondering why my anxiety/panic attacks have been God awful these four days... Gee I wonder why!#Like I don't wanna go back to work because capitalism but I need to for like... A distraction.#My thoughts have been racing and I'm just begging for people to talk to me in my personal life to calm my anxiety down.#It feels debilitating at this point. It's literally taken over my life.#And I have my anxiety meds but I only just got them so I have to wait that 1-3 weeks for them to actually 'kick in.'#I really should have asked my new GP for the tiniest amount of benzos to get me through this recovery.#And I don't even have a follow-up appt. for my recovery but I am gonna call them on Mon. and ask for one for my own peace of mind.#I've called this office three times now over the course of three days to make sure what I'm feeling is 'normal.'#Anyway!!!

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isfjmel-phleg · 7 months

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😶

#random personal stuff #personal whining ahead feel free to ignore #'you did great' with handling the ceiling damage situation #but I should have done this and I should have done that #and if I had done things correctly I would have noticed right away when I opened the library etc. etc.#we'll have a meeting ostensibly for everyone about this but of course the scolding will really be targeted at me #so forgive me if I don't really believe that she really thinks that I 'did great'#with a situation that I had no way of being prepared for #I worry a lot that my boss thinks I'm incompetent and/or careless and this is not helping #I mean...she told me that I need to get here early in the mornings when I open so I can turn on the lights upstairs #THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR HALF THIS WEEK #I've been making a point of doing that #I've been the first one here I've turned on lights I've unlocked doors I've checked the book drop I've sat at the front desk #like I'm supposed to!#but because I wasn't carefully examining the entire upstairs when I turned on the lights I have Failed #it's fine I will be fine this is just embarrassing #and now she's going to treat me like I don't know how to do anything

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tortoise-teapot · 15 days

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VICTORY!!!

#personal log #of course i've made him listen to me gush/sending him my art so he knows who solas is #BUT!#HE DOESN'T KNOW THE CHARACTER REVEAL I HAVE LET ON NOTHING #I HAVE FULLY INTENTIONALLY BEEN WOOBIFYING SOLAS AROUND HIM #HE'S GONNA LOSE HIS MIIIIIIND LMAO #he legitimately thinks solas is just some soft spoken charmingly polite hermit i'm going to lose it. i'm so sorry buddy #especially since HE'S gettin the bug. but alas. he wants to play as a guy. and there is. that damn fucking gender lock #and that damn fucking race lock too while i'm at it.#dying mad about it #anyway hi good morning

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navree · 2 months

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y'all might think that some of the shit i post about is the most niche i can go, but the equestrian events have already started for this olympics so you haven't seen how niche i can go

#personal #as i am i think the only person in america outside the actual us equestrian organization who cares enough #to not only look up times but also make sure to look up results #unforch all the stuff is happening at like two in the morning my time #which is fine cuz so far all we've had is the dressage portion of eventing #and i don't care super much for dressage i'm far more into cross country and stadium jumping #and of course just regular show jumping after eventing is over #but y'all are about to see my have THOUGHTS #mostly about how america needs to get its fucking shit together with the equestrian sports i swear to god #we've got rave horse so i'm assuming for the regular dressage we should at least place #but i think for team eventing so far we're already pretty far down the list #we need to step our game up with actual equestrian sports that aren't thoroughbred racing in this country

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youremyonlyhope · 5 months

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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

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supercantaloupe · 5 months

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there is no possible way to communicate to my fucking roommates that they're not doing their share of the chores in this house without them ignoring or hating me and i feel like i'm going Insane