#of course my first foray into fanfic for years

[lostfirefly]

Make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe

First of all, thank you for your comments and likes on my previous story. They inspired me to write another fic :)

When I was 15-16 years old, I wrote a poem. Those lines were not dedicated to anybody. I was sad that day and wrote them down in my black notebook. I decided to create another story based on that poem. A few lines will be written in the fanfic, but since the poem was originally written in Russian, I translated it into English, but tried to convey the meaning.

Since English is not my native language, errors may occur. As always, feel free to share your thoughts :)

Description: You're a cook on the Buggy Pirates crew. During the year you have feelings for the captain, but you don't dare to say it, but you write about your feelings in poems. One day he finds your notebook.

Main characters: OPLA Buggy (of course) x Fem!Reader. Masterlist

Warnings: Sadness, fluff (a little), insecurity reference. No smut, violence etc.

The title is taken from the song "All I need" by Within Temptation.

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-Morning, doll.

A familiar voice came around the corner.

-Morning, magnificent captain Buggy. Coffee? As usual? - you asked with a smile.

-You always know what I want, - the blue-haired man said in a voice hoarse from sleep, plopping into a chair.

You smiled, stood on tiptoe, reached over to a large mug and began pouring coffee into it. 

 - Here you go, captain! - you said, holding out a mug, - What are your plans for today?

-I'll make a little foray into town, we'll resupply and head away from this godforsaken place, - Buggy said, sipping his coffee. 

-Sounds great.

-I'll bring a present for you, doll, - he said, running his hand over your cheek. 

-Thanks, but I have everything I need, - blushing, you lightly tried to pull away from the touch.

-Liar. Anyway, I'll get something for my baby girl, - he said, putting his hand on your wrist.

You awkwardly ran the fingers of your other hand over his arm. All you wanted was for him to get up from the table, put his arms around you and kiss you.

You stared at him, trying to hide your feelings. 

You've been flooded with memories. 

**********

A year ago, you ran away from home just to be away from your abusive family. A father who yells and beats you every day, a mother who takes his side and says it's all your fault. And an older sister who also happily participates in the bullying.

You decided to find any job. There were no vacancies in town, but you overheard someone in a bar talking about a pirate ship needing a cook. A ship? Oh, great! What a perfect way to get away from your old life.

The bartender told you how to find the ship.

-You wouldn't mistake it for anything. Look for the flag with the big red nose.

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-Captain Buggy, sorry. There's a girl at the door and she's here to ask about a job, - said a man in a tartan scarf.

-What? What girl? Although, ok, let her in. It's gonna be fun, - a man's voice came from the cabin.

When you walked in, you saw a blue-haired man with a red nose. With the whole ship resembling a circus, the first second you thought the red nose was also part of the circus image.

The man sat on the table with both feet on the barrel. He glanced at you with his green eyes.

You quickly scanned him from head to toe. He was wearing a striped vest, brown leather pants. He had a red and white striped bandana on his head and white gloves on his hands.

-What? Are you looking at my nose? - he said angrily.

-What? No.. I came to ask.., - you were nervous, your voice was quiet.

-What? Is it me that old or are you that quiet? I can't hear you, - he asked with a sneer in his voice.

-S-sorry.., - you cleared your throat and tried to speak more confidently, - I came here to ask for a job. I heard you need a cook. I'm good at cooking..

-How old are you? - he tilted his head slightly and squinted his eyes, - You look pretty mature. Aren't you supposed to cook dinner for your husband?

-I'm 27, sir..

-Sir, - he started laughing.

Not understanding what was so funny about what you said, you continued.

-No, s-s... captain.. Buggy. I ran away from my family. And frankly speaking I don't think they would be worried about me... and I don't care about them.., - you mumbled.

-Ts, doll... Tell me. Do you realise you want to join the freak squad? What does it mean to you to be a freak? - he interrupted you and suddenly reached for a knife on the table.

You stared at him with a question in your eyes. 

-I'm waiting for the answer, - he threw the knife into the barrel and looked at you, - What does it mean to you?

-Does it count if I say that I don't care about my life? - you tried to say it as convincingly as you could when you weren't even sure of your answer.

-Shit.. , - He got up from the table and slowly walked over to you, - Reply is accepted. I think, I can find a place in the Buggy Pirates for you. Every freak can find a home here. Welcome on board, sweetie.

He walked out of the cabin laughing.

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When everyone left the ship, you were still in the kitchen. The dishes were washed. You sat on the chair and thought about the captain. You could still feel the warmth of his hand on your wrist. What was it this morning?

Yes, he showed you signs of attention from time to time. Sometimes he could put his hand on your shoulder or waist, he always cheered you up when you were sad and always brought small gifts from his pirate raids. But at the same time, you realised that you were part of the crew and he just cared about you as much as anyone else. Plus, there were other girls on board. They were taller, slimmer and more attractive. What makes you think you're special? No, you weren't special.

You took a piece of paper and started twirling it around the table.

You picked up a pencil and began to write.

Tiredness pulses quietly in my veins, In the midst of silence, I'm alone in my cabin. There's life outside the walls, but who cares? I'm sick to my stomach with someone.. No one hears, no one sees, no one asks. Whether it's something or nothing. He's somewhere else, God knows where, The draughts are painful in my soul..

You smiled and hid the sheet in a small black book. Every time someone on the crew asked about this notebook, you said that it's nothing special, you just write down recipes in it. They don't need to know that you've been writing poems dedicated to the captain for a year now.

**********

The crew returned late at night. Before dinner, Buggy came up to you holding a little pink box.

-I promised to bring you a present, and I kept my promise, - he said with a wide smile.

-T-thanks, but you didn't have to, - you said looking at his green eyes.

-Geez, woman, I'm a man of my word. Take it!

You opened the box and gasped when you saw the small amber bear inside.

One night, when you were both sitting on the deck, you told him about your favourite figurine. Your grandmother, the only person in the world who cared about you, had once given you an amber bear. It was your talisman after her death, until one day your father broke it. He did it on purpose because you accidentally dropped your tea mug on the sofa.

Buggy didn't forget. He didn't forget what you told him.

-Maybe it's not the same bear, but at least you have it now, - his voice snapped you out of your memories.

-I really like it! Thank you so much, - you said and in surprise, you hugged him, - Sorry.

-It's all for you, my candy, - he said, chuckling slightly.

**********

You couldn't sleep. You went out on the deck to get some fresh air when suddenly you heard a noise from the kitchen.

You decided to go and check it out. When you quietly opened the kitchen door, you saw Buggy, who was looking for something in the cabinets and muttering something to himself.

Suddenly he fell silent and didn't make a sound for about 10 minutes. You tiptoed over and decided to get closer because it was impossible to believe that Buggy could be silent for ten minutes.

Shit. He was sitting on the floor, wearing his pyjama pants, holding a notebook with your poems. 

-God, please, stop sneaking around like a mouse. I know it's you, - he said calmly.

-I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother you.

-You can't bother me, baby girl. And tell me is that yours? - he asked, pointing at the notebook.

-Y-yes.. Sorry, - you whispered.

-Sorry? For what? Sweetheart, you need to be clearer in your expressions, otherwise I don't get it, - he asked and put the notebook aside.

You stared at him not actually knowing what to say. He stood up and came closer to you. You were trying not to look at his half-naked body. To tell the truth, it was the first and at the same last thing you wanted to see right now.

-For poems. Sorry for the poems, - you said, sighing heavily. You were afraid to look at him.

-You shouldn't be sorry, - he whispered and leaned into you.

He put his hand on your cheek and turned your head gently.

-Did you like it? - you asked.

-I didn't like it. I loved it.. as much as I love you, - he glared at you with his green eyes and leaned in a little closer.

**********

You woke up in the morning. It took you a minute to come to your senses. You got out of bed and grabbed a t-shirt hanging on a chair and hoping to find your clothes later.

-Where are you going, doll? - A voice came from under the blanket, - Get your ass back here. 

-I thought I have to go back to my cabin, - you said, fixing your hair.

-The only thing you have to do is get back under that damn blanket. The captain’s order, - he wheezed, finally sticking his face out. He put his hand on your shoulder and pulled you back down.

-Waaait! What about breakfast and morning coffee? - you asked with a laugh. -Coffee and breakfast can wait while we lie down for a while. Besides, if my freaks get hungry, once in a lifetime they can put damn butter on their own damn bread, - he mumbled as he nuzzled his face into your neck.

-Alright. But only for 30 minutes, ok? And then I have to get back to my cabin before the girl starts asking questions, - you said, running your hand through his hair.

-Fine, - he chuckled, - And then you'll make me a coffee, ok? -As usual? -As usual, my love.

[goldendoodlerlockerlove]

4, 10, 11, 27!! (took you this long to reblog the thing >:/ but hell yessss ♥️)

Yesss!! Thank you so much for invading my ask box, DT!!❣️

4.) How many different styles/mediums (e.g., digital art, traditional art, comics, sculptures, paper craft, etc.) did you try this year?

Actually, quite a bit!! At least, more than I initially thought I did. I, of course, did mostly digital art near the end of this year, and ended up producing a lot more pieces than I've done before!! It was honestly kind of crazy how much art I began producing at the end of this year. It was like I was a driver in a race, pffffffft. But, at the beginning of this year, I dabbled a lot in traditional art, because I enjoy the feeling of putting a pencil to paper, and whilst it takes more time, sometimes it can give you more freedom to experiment with designs or expressions. I also began making a long-form Bob's Burgers comic for the first time, which was inspired by @bluebirbbs and their long-form Bob's Burgers comic, which everyone should read if they haven't already. When I was younger and in art class, I actually used even more mediums for creating art, like sewing an actual Christmas ornament, and sketching stuff using a lightbox, which is super fun. But I haven't done those two things in years. I kind of want to try doing them again someday.

10.) What inspired/motivated you this year?

DT, you know I'm going to say you as my first (and biggest :3) inspiration. I mean, come on, you're the reason I have this blog in the first place. I know I've said it before, but seeing your amazing, lovely BB art inspired me to begin making my own and get back into drawing, and it caused me to create my blog and expand it into territories I didn't even think were possible. And now I'm running Geneuary, an event celebrating my favorite baby boy, and that would never have happened if it hadn't been for you, and that initial Boblin ask I somehow worked up the courage to give you (and am so glad I did)! It doesn't show it anymore, but do you remember how I didn't even have an image for my account?? 😆

Yes, I'm getting super sappy, but all of this is true!! Now, of course, you weren't my only inspiration. There are too many blogs to name, but @br1ghtestlight has been super sweet and my Gene Belcher buddy!! He's the one person who loves the baby boy as much as I do. We may or may not do a collab for Geneuary based on an idea she had about Gene and Tina working on a lil' puzzle together, which is just too adorable 😭

I also must shout out @babsvibes too. She was also, in a way, the reason I even have this blog. I used to be content enjoying this silly Burger show on my own, watching the episodes and having fun, and reading the occasional fanfic (@thisaliennerd and their Boblin fanfic Falling For You is Easy [Like Sunday Morning]) was one of my first forays into the BB fanfic community, and it wonderful) when I suddenly stumbled upon this Tinimmy fic by Babs one fateful day called Honeycombed Hair, I believe: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44413795

This fic led me to you, DT, and your amazing art!! And I joined this incredible Muppet community, and nothing's been the same for me ever since. Now I don't have to enjoy this show alone!! Of course, I have my BF @cryptidchrome now, who watches the show, but I digress. Babs also invited me to the Louigan server, which has been an absolute blast. And she's just an excellent writer in general, which is very inspiring as someone who also writes.

I must also shoutout @theangrypomeranian for being so sweet and Commissioning me, and also being an excellent writer (she called me the #1 Gene person in this fandom and that made me so 🥺). And @devilh0rnsinc for having such lovely art that it makes me squee every time. And @jimmypesto for making the best Boblin fics and just being the ultimate Boblin connoisseur. Shoutout to her new nephew for being the most adorable bambino on the entire planet. Welcome to the world, lil' bean!! @jimmyjrsmusoems is another fantastic writer and is hilarious, and is the other Tinimmy connoisseur in this fandom, besides you, DT, of course. Also, @koko-raccoon has some of the cutest art ever and listened to me ramble about my OCs, which I definitely want to thank them for. Their art is very inspiring to me. But the person whose art is the most inspiring to me, besides yours, DT, is probably @dianadeadwing. Her art is wonderful, and I'll never get enough of it. I also get so excited whenever I see it.

Okay, now for more of a speed round so I can mention more people!! @ratguy-nico has adorable art as well, and I love his style so much. It's wonderful. And @ltwharfy is such a good writer and I didn't even know until I read his Roudise Week fic about Bob and Rudy getting Louise a new hat when she outgrows her bunny ears. @keepyourhornson-spyro is another fantastic writer and is the certified Tedmort Monarch. There are just so many more people I want to name, but I'll just mention one more person: @carnivaldemon, who gave me the most adorable art of Gene and my OC, Alexis. His art is truly inspiring to me.

11.) What pairing/character/subject did you create the most for this year?

You probably already know the answer to this ☠️

It's definitely a tie between Boblin and Gene/Alexis, which is definitely my newest ship and obsession. But I have to give Boblin a special shoutout because I began work on an entire Pre-Canon Boblin series (which I'm still working on to this day) and a "Linda is Deaf" AU, both of which are super close to my heart now. Thank you for giving me the push I needed to work on my "Linda is Deaf" AU when I sent that ask about it to you, pfffffft.

Gene is definitely the character I've created the most for in terms of just singular characters. I could talk about him all day. I love this lil' guy so much. Hopefully, y'all don't get bored of hearing me ramble about him, because I'll certainly never get bored of rambling about him.

27.) Biggest surprise while creating art this year?

Honestly, the biggest surprise was just how sweet, supportive, and welcoming the Bob's Burgers community ended up being. Y'all welcomed me with open arms and supported all of my creative endeavors (and long analyses about Gene) and for that, I'll always be grateful. This community really does feel like one big family, and it's so lovely to see. Everyone is just so nice to each other, it warms my heart 🥹 And one of my biggest surprises was learning about the Ship Weeks/Character Events, and how fun they are. They're truly a testament to how sweet and talented this community is. I'm definitely looking forward to them all next year if they happen again.

[jandjsalmon]

2024 FRC - March🍀

This one is a scheduled posted because as we speak, I will be living it up on my vacation to Venice and Croatia - but I'll screenshot my word count first thing on April 01 - so that it'll be up to date. If you're following me on SM - I apologize in advance for the plethora of pictures I'll be inundating you with soon. 😉

In other non-vacationy news, as in past years, my daughter and her amazing basketball team defended their title as Provincial Champions and successfully won Back-To-Back Championships. If you were here last year, you'd remember that this was the first time in school history and so doing it again was even more momentous. I chose a close-up this year. Kinda bittersweet that she's played her last game - but really happy with how this season turned out. 🏀

Okay - back to the fanfiction. Things in the @fanfic-reading-challenge are progressing nicely. If you’re looking for a fun way to get out of your comfort zone, you should come check it out. and for those of you who are new here - over the last couple of years, I’ve not only been participating in the fic challenge (which is still open for new members jsyk and the Discord is pretty neat) but I've been tracking all the fic I've read and reported back here once a month with some stats and some recs, and a little bit of boring stuff about my life. That’s what this post is.

Below the cut are my March stats and some fun fic recs. I’ve been tackling the challenge tasks and am nearly done the ‘extreme’ mode. I'll crack 6 million words on the airplane back home on Friday. 😉

March 2024

As for my recs for you! Try these - you might enjoy them. The pairings are all over the place - but if it is something you've never read before, let one of them be your first foray into the ship.🖤🖤

I actually stumbled upon this fic accidentally to pass off a task for the challenge but Folie à Deux by @cypresssunns (E 1/1) - is a super delightful Knives Out fic and I'm SO glad I read something new!. The pairing is Marta/Ransom and it is a "Marriage of Convenience/Ransom remains a sociopath but Marta kinda likes him like that" kinda fic. It was delightful and if you're into co-dependency and couples where no one is really a good person - this is the fic for you!

Of course I never go a month without recommending at least one Wenvier fic - and Pomegranate. by @theravenandtheartist (T - 1/1) was fantastic. Wednesday in particular felt perfectly in character. Xavier is adorkable. And honestly, I just have a unhealthy love for Hades and Persephone - so while this is NOT an AU, the mythology does play into the story and I loved how it was done. Great read!

Anyway - I have lots of tasks yet to complete - so if you have a fic that you’d like to recommend - let me know! I'll see you when I get home! 🖤

And seriously, COME ON. racing the yellow lights is a Hallie/Society Assassins AU (M - 1/1) and it's fantastic. I've read it about a bajillion times and it is ALWAYS delightful. Of course the great @smc-27 writes one of the best Harrys in the whole fandom so it's completely unsurprising that this fic has me in a chokehold. If you like The Society - and you like Hallie and fun AUs - don't forget to review! 💛

[mirjam-writes]

What about you? What writing are you happy about this year?? Is there anything you want to brag about?

Happy Yule, solstice, Christmas, Festivus, (belated) Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Doctor Who Day! And anything else you might celebrate, or happy Monday if you don’t!

Thank you so so much for asking 🧡🧡

This was quite a writing year for me. I wrote only four stories, but I'm quite proud of all of them. To Love Somebody was my first foray in rare pairs. An angsty backstory for Shadwell, and what made him the way he is. It has an hopeful ending, and I'm quite proud of the structure, and how much I managed to squeeze into the small word count. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is a short and wholesome outsider pov story I wrote for an event. I was surprised how much people liked it! It was also my first attempt on present tense, which continued in A Stable Relationship, one of my FTH stories for this year (the second one will probably be a bit late, and be completed in January). I had fun writing it, and it turned out to be a good one, and the only one of these oneshots that was Explicit. It was set in horse riding world.

The reason why I wrote only three oneshots, and why my second FTH piece is late, was of course my favourite story of all time: Be Still My Soul trilogy. A human AU story set in the sad moments of Finnish history.

Despite the class differences, landowner Azirafel Fjäll and sawmill worker Anton Crowley have been friends since childhood. The Great War rages over Europe and the Empire of Russia is in the firm grip of a revolution. The echoes of these fateful events carry over to the Grand Duchy of Finland, vaguely sauntering towards independence. Azirafel and Crowley find themselves on the opposite sides of a conflict that will eventually lead to a bitter civil war, tearing the country apart.

Is there a possibility for them to find their own side, or will this be the end of their budding love story?

I started writing the third part in January, and finished it just before S2 aired in July. It finished posting in October, and it's now complete and done, though I'm still commissioning art for it. This story took over my life for over two years, and it's my baby. I've had such a hard time to let go of it! It also has its own blog @be-still-my-soul-fanfic where I posted dozens of posts about historical and cultural facts. The story is written in a way you don't need to know anything of the Finnish history beforehand (my American betas made sure of that). It's a lovestory, not a history lesson, BUT if you want to learn more, there's a lot of extra info available 😅

I think it's the best story I've ever written (and probably ever will). Many readers have agreed, but it's angsty with very heavy themes until the happy ending, so it's not for everyone and I think posting it just when S2 aired cut some of the potential readers. The third part of the trilogy is now five kudos shy of 100 kudos, and I'm hoping it could get past that milestone before new years. 😂 So yeah, my own personal favourite gets the least interaction of them all. Oh well.

I'm gonna sound a bit self-absorbed, but I'm proud I finished it and it turned out even better than I hoped. My dream would be to print a physical copy or to record a podfic of that, but both might be a bit too much work.

For the next year I have two zine fics to finish, and I have applied to a third one. I have one event fic in the works as well, but the FTH story will be the one I'll concentrate until it's done. It's an oneshot human AU which somehow grew limbs and now it's 7.6k words and nowhere near done 😱 That's my holiday project.

Thank you for asking!! I was so delighted to get a chance to ramble myself 🧡 There's never enough chances for writers to gush about their own work because it always feels a bit self centered. That's why I like to wander around Tumblr and give people the perfect excuse to do that! Peek at the #writer's favourites tag if you want to see other fanfic writers sharing their favourites! And feel free to use the tag yourself if I forgot to ask someone (I was very much not organised when going through the blogs and I'm not good at matching blog names with writer names 😅)

I hope you'll have a magnificent new year 🧡

[jamesunderwater]

Thank you so much for the tag @thecasualauthor!

🍓 how did you get into writing fanfiction?

I've joked about this before, but on the forums of Neopets!

🍇How many fandoms have you written in?

HP, Supernatural, Dark Angel, Smallville, Twilight (regrettably), Sailor Moon, and BBC Merlin. Most of these were were RPs, though, not fanfic - for fanfic I think it's just HP & SPN.

🍈 How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I think this year marks 20 years... Wow. Off and on, of course, but yeah. Since that first Neopets foray -- 20 years.

🍎 Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Definitely write more than I read, but I've been making a point to read more lately, so it's more balanced than last year.

🍌 What is one way you've improved as a writer?

I'm learning to not be so redundant in my writing, to be more intentional with how and where to use fluid prose, and to actually make sure my sentence structure is ordered correctly, lol.

🍑 Do you have any bad habits as a writer?

Getting too wrapped up in editing what I've already written instead of moving on to write the next bit; not sticking to a solid writing routine; getting stuck on making sure the scene is "right" instead of just writing it and working out the details later.

🍍 What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I still think researching the history of toast in Britain was pretty weird, especially given the fact I never even used it in the fic xD

🍉What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Ones that are play-by-play reactions to the story, and/or tell me specific parts of the story that they enjoyed and why. But really, ANY and all comments make me so, so happy. I feel touched any time someone takes the time to leave me a comment.

🍐What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I am not aware of anyone else currently writing Trans Jily fics (though point me in their direction if you know of someone who is!)

🥭What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Strictly canon-compliant fics. It's too much to remember all the tiny details to make sure I've gotten everything just right. And enemies to lovers. I've discovered I really enjoy rivals to lovers, but enemies to lovers just doesn't make sense to my brain. I don't know how to get them from A to B.

🍏What is the easiest type?

Angst, angst, angst. xD Especially canon or canon-adjacent angst. And I know it's not a story type, but man, do I love a story with a lot of banter in it.

🍑Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I use Google docs for the most part, but I will write ideas and random snippets of scenes in my Notes app when I'm not at a computer.

🍋What is something you've been too nervous/ intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I'd love to write some Korrasami, as I've mentioned to Kelsey before. I'd also love to do a crossover Marauders fic with either PJO, THG, or ATLA, but I'm afraid it'd end up feeling kitschy or something. But my BIG magnum opus idea is a canon-compliant centered around Sirius, probably just through his Azkaban escape. Well, that or a multi-chap Prongsfoot fic, but that is something I'm actually pretty confident writing. The other one is a LOT more intimidating.

🍇What made you choose your username?

I wanted it to be something that had my name in it + one of my personal motifs, so I played around with James/Jamie and different terms for ocean, trees, and sunshine. Came up with a list, narrowed it down to 2-3 top choices, and ended up choosing this one because it just flows in my brain in a way I like. Plus, it goes well with my blog title, the Noah Kahan lyric, "my head is an ocean."

these were so fun!! tagging: @theresthesnitch @roalinda @missgryffin @thelighthousestale @annabtg

[johannestevans]

Chugging away into December!

Good evening, and happy holidays to those about to celebrate Christmas or/then Kwanzaa!

The first thing I want to mention is that I am currently doing a GIVEAWAY of a parcel of some signed paperbacks of Heart of Stone and Gerald Poole and the pirates, some badges, and some other goodies besides! The draw will be on the 1st of January!

Want to sign up? You can do so here! If you want an extra chance or chances of winning, you can QRT or reblog with your favourite works of mine already on your chosen socials.

I've not been writing much the last week as I've just finished moving everything into my new flat, but I'm working on a few things for the next week, and in the new year I will not just be able to finally get into a more regular writing schedule now I'm no longer technically homeless, but also will be posting updates as I paint and redecorate the place! The building went up at the end of the 19th century and was originally a school before it was converted to flats, so it's got some great brick and beams, and I'm really excited to decorate it in-keeping with my style and flavour.

I do have a housewarming wishlist that somebody asked for which is here if people would like to send something, but there's of course no expectation!

New Works Published

TweetFic: The Warrior's Servant

A warrior means to have his first foray into fucking another man, but his servant turns the tables on him. Rated E, featuring a lot of feminising language, size kink, unexpectedly getting topped, lots of massage, D/s, breeding kink.

Read on Twitter

Our Flag Means Death Fanfic Update: Repentance & Forgiveness

Held hostage by Blackbeard on the Queen Anne, Frenchie can't sleep. Desperate to just get whatever he can away from crew of the Queen Anne's Revenge, he knocks on Izzy's door and invites himself in. --- Slowly unfolding relationship between Frenchie and Izzy Hands, as well as an exploration of their relationships with Edward Teach and the rest of their crews, delving for Frenchie into what it means to really experience one's feelings, to get into touch with and truly grapple with the depths of one's worst experiences; and for Izzy and Ed, into what it means to transgress, to repent, and ultimately to be forgiven.

Read on Ao3

Romance Short: Office Match

Two men exchange crafts in the office — and then exchange more than that.

4.3k, M/M, rated M. Just some sweet romance in an office setting — mild humour, back-and-forth, lots of shyness and some autistic vibes, some size difference and kink. Adapted from a TweetFic.

Read on Patreon / Read on Medium / Read on SubscribeStar

[huginsmemory]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love 💞

Omg thank you for the ask!!! 💕 Damn, I don't know which to really choose. I take so long to write anything that I find it hard to judge things; and especially as then years have gone by regarding my posted and finished fanfics it makes me difficult to choose. For fanfics I really have a bunch of fandoms I've periodically cobbled something together (as a result each fic rec is from a different show) and many I haven't read in years; but I've quite enjoyed the chance to go back and actually read them.

#1 - Blackbird series (Trigun (Trimax), Vashwood)

Ahhh this doesn't count as two right? It's my most recent work composed of Blackbird (M, 5.5k) and I'm no pale faced saint (E, 11k) both which I really enjoyed writing. Blackbird is vignettes of Vash and Wolfwoods relationship (if they were lovers) over the course of trimax. I'm no pale faced saint is a story tucked sometime within the same au when Wolfwoods and Vash are travelling, and during their stop Wolfwoods is asked to perform a funeral; later the two of them talk about promises in amongst foreshadowing of what will later occur and sexy times. It was also the first time I forayed into writing explicit fanfic which was certainly interesting and perhaps fun? Still not sure haha. Both are pretty bittersweet. Technically it's supposed to be a triptych, with a third and final installation which I've... not finished writing. Fingers crossed I'll get around to having some time to finish it eventually... It's all planned out so I just need to sit down and write the damned thing.

#2 - Tracing Ink on Skin (JJK, Satosugu, M, 34k)

A yakuza au fic that I'm still working on, that I originally started because there was none of those fics when the first season had come out. The premise is they were schoolmates, and lose touch after, Satoru the next in line for the head of one of the big Yakuza families, only to be reunited when Suguru finds Satoru bleeding out on his doorstep. I'm reccing it cause it's a bit newer. It's also my first long fic which is exciting but also haunts me a bit since it's also definitely not a priority, since I keep neglecting to write new chapters... shoves my 10 newer WIP fanfics into the drawer guiltily. Again I've got the whole thing planned out, I just need to actually write it. Also part of me wants to rewrite some areas, ack!

#3 - Chain Restaurants and the Beginnings of Friendship (Dorohedoro, Risu x Aikawa, T, 3.5k)

Also in the scheme of things newer... Premise is the two of them go for lunch right after Aikawa kills the teacher. I like this one with it's fun twist and actually intended it as a part of a series of short vignettes, as I had more ideas... as you can see I'm great at finishing things. I've heard there's supposed to be a second season of Dorohedoro coming out which might help kick me back into the mood. I really should trawl through my WIP files...

#4 - Warm Lights on Sleepless Nights. (Golden Kamuy, SugumotoxOgata, G, 3k)

Premise is it's a vignette of a modern au of Sugumoto essentially waking up from a nightmare, and remembering the time that Ogata was also awake at the same time before his betrayal, and the possible implications of that.

#5 - Antiform Haunting (Gotham, Edward Nygma x Oswald Cobblepot, T, 3k)

Premise is on some unseen scenes after Ed betrays Oswald, and dreams of him, leading up to the scene where Ed hallucinates Ed. I liked this one better then the other, softer fic I had written on the pair, which more people seemed to have enjoyed; how funny.

I'm ignoring how clearly all the pairs I write for are tragic character relationships (or perceived relationships lol) here. Nope, I don't know what you're talking about, I totally am not addicted to bittersweet or sad writing.

[blorbology]

how i learned to love outlining

For the last year or so, I’ve been compiling ideas for stories and then outlining them, mostly because I genuinely love the planning stage of the writing process, but also because if 2023 taught me anything about writing, it’s that I can finish a project if I know where it’s going—if I can point myself in a meaningful direction. If I have a realistic and attainable goal.

I spent years of my life writing aimlessly. I wrote every silly idea that came to mind, no matter how stupid it was and with no regard to whether or not I was bothering to tell a story anyone would want to read. I had plenty of fun concepts but the actual works themselves were largely mediocre—unmemorable, as someone once told me—or, in the cases of a few, embarrassingly bad. Terrible, even.

In 2004 I started writing a longfic for ToS. I had no direction. No plan. I didn’t write anything down for where the story should go next. What the fuck were character arcs? I sat at my computer and I typed words. I put them out into the world: chapter by godawful chapter.

I’m not saying this to be self-deprecating; it’s just the truth. I was not a talented writer in 2002 when I started posting online. I was self-taught. I didn’t write a real paper until I was 26, the first year I attended a college English course. In 1999, I was 13 years old. We were all given an assignment to write a short story with a title that began with the word “Almost.” I hated school. Rather, I hated the social landscape of it, and I was miserable that year. I didn’t take this assignment seriously. I thought, I’ll just make some absolutely stupid shit up, who cares. My story was called “Almost Mowed Over” and it was about a blade of grass named Bob who watched in horror as his friends were murdered while he was, for reasons unknown, spared. I remember very little about the story other than that, and the fact that this got me nominated to write for Power of the Pen for reasons that still confuse me. I went with a few others to compete that autumn and, when I got my stories back, I was more or less told they were shit.

It felt bad, but a few years later I started posting fanfiction anyway. Why? It looked fun. I felt inspired.

So I wrote.

A lot.

I got attention, my stories got traction, and I even finished the first three longfics I ever started. They were shit, too, but I had fun, and through one of them, I met my now-husband—on April 22, 2003. We were married on April 22nd, 2017. Strange how fanfiction can bring people together. Strange, that he felt compelled to not only read my shitty fanfic, but then to email me about it afterward—something he had never done before, and hasn’t done since. I’ve known him for more years of my life than I haven’t known him, all thanks to some shit I typed up off the top of my head without a plan.

 And it was the success (or at least, overwhelmingly positive and kind response) of those first fanfics that propelled me into other fandoms.

So there I was in 2004, writing a longfic for Tales of Symphonia. Those of you who knew me back then might remember the story in question. I’m not proud of it. Actually, I’m embarrassed by it. I deleted it in 2016 and I’ve no regrets about deleting that or the 600 other stories I had online at the time. I’m certain that story was a stepping stone to greater things (it was Baby’s First Foray into darker fiction, after all), and for that reason alone I can’t bring myself to be ashamed of it, but…it was shit.

Drama for the sake of drama, no end goal, the worst summary imaginable. I had no idea what I was doing. But people read it anyway. I stopped writing that story early into 2005, and when I deleted it, it was sitting there abandoned at 8 chapters, 32k words, 138 reviews.

I wrote a lot of other ToS fics back then; they were all shit. Some were unhinged nonsense. But for some reason that ‘fic has staying power.

Probably because I’m embarrassed by it. I guess it always just feels kind of bad to know that even though you tried your best on something, it still somehow turned out poorly.

And I’m sure there’s a lot to say, too, about the fact that I honestly didn’t learn from this experience. I went on to start a bunch of other longfics over the years and, unsurprisingly, finished absolutely zero of them (though some went on longer than others).

And the truly insane thing here is that out of nowhere, very suddenly in 2023, after years of barely writing (and even then mostly just re-writing old stories): I had some kind of…epiphany?

One night I dreamed that a baby was more or less dumped on Raine Sage’s doorstep. The dream was pretty detailed up to a point very shortly before I woke up. I told one friend about it and then another. I let it marinate. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, which is weird, because my experience with ADHD is that far too often things just slip through the cracks never to be considered again. But this dream—that idea, the concept—stayed with me.

And then one day I thought, well, I’ll just…outline it. It can’t hurt anything. It won’t be a huge waste of time even if I never use it. It could be fun to try to puzzle out a real story. Real character arcs.

I’d never finished an outline for anything in my entire life.

-

So let’s go back a few years.

In 2011, I began doing more serious RP. I RP’d as Regal, actually, in a ToS RP I did with a friend of mine. It was my first introduction to multi-para RP. My previous experience had been pseudo AIM RPs and the Dressing Room RPs on Livejournal. They were fun, but this was on a completely different level; it felt like cooperative writing, like cowriting a real story with someone else. I was immediately taken in by it, by the process. I grew obsessed waiting for responses. My eyes were always on my email. The two of us stayed up far too late typing responses back and forth to one another. It was a great time.

When that fizzled out after a couple hundred thousand words (probably due to lack of overall planning and the expectation that we should match one another’s reply lengths) I coerced I MEAN LOVINGLY SUGGESTED to a different friend of mine, someone I’d known much longer, that we should try doing RPs together. There was no expectation of either of us matching the other’s reply length, and my favorite response ever from her was just a character saying, “No.”

We wrote a million+ words together over the course of a few years, and it was all for the Fire Emblem fandoms. It was addictive and fun. If you’ve never participated in RP, or you aren’t really a writer yourself, I think it’s hard to really understand the appeal of what looks to be a glorified group project. After all, in RP you’re giving away 50% of your control over the story. But with a good partner who vibes with your writing style and characterization, and with the (get this!) addition of Communication, it never really feels that way.

In 2014 I started doing RP on Tumblr. I can’t even begin to tell you how many character blogs I had.

I hopped around RPing characters from a bunch of different fandoms, and in 2017 I stopped RPing on Tumblr (because it fucking sucked) and instead roped the bestie into RPing with me. We shrugged off the mantle of multi-para blah blah email bullshit and instead RP’d like lazy slobs. This is not an exaggeration for the sake of humor. Dialogue tags? No thank you. Asides? Yes. Retconning? Sometimes you get halfway through a story and want to change a detail from the beginning! Proper capitalization? Absolutely not. Screaming/crying/emoting/posting gifs in the middle of RPs when someone’s reply just hit right? Yep! Doing the same exact storyline with a different combination of blorbos? Oh, definitely.

We continued to do this until mid-2023 with startling regularity. We’d have at least 3 RPs going at once most of the time. We kept having to make more discord channels to start new RPs in.

And you’d think the years I was busy RPing sloppy-style instead of writing fanfiction would mean that I was getting rusty at the craft, but really, it helped me cut out all of the fucking bullshit with regards to the process of writing.

Like, what matters in a story is that a story is being told. I want to hit THIS point and THIS point and finally THIS point. I want to cover THESE THEMES. THIS is where I want my characters to end up. As writers it’s so easy to get lost in the detail sauce…to the point where the story and themes, and sometimes even character arcs, just get buried beneath the rubble of intricate details.

And while multi-para RP definitely taught me a lot (particularly about the importance of discussion and communication with a writing partner), I think it’s the sort of environment where it’s really easy to let yourself get lost in that stuff. The typical expectation is that you reply to your partner with a response of equal-ish length, even if the story being told doesn’t require it. This forces you into the head of your character more to try to suck out the details, but in my experience what this tends to do is just…bog down the story, and therefore the RP. Responses start to feel like a chore instead of like a fun activity you’re doing with a friend. And yes, it is, 100% just writing words to fill some kind of arbitrary word count. Nobody has five paragraphs of thoughts to cycle through between every sentence of dialogue they speak, and writing that way can be exhausting.

This is just my personal opinion, of course, but what I personally get enjoyment out of is seeing stories come together, seeing character arcs tie up and end on satisfying notes. And the expectation of having to write five paragraphs when all my character needs to do is say “No” is just…not it for me.

Writing the way my bestie and I do helps us fly through stories so that we end up with a completed story relatively quickly…and can then fill in those details—the ones I used to get lost in, which led to me never finishing anything. Better yet, when the structure is solid, it’s much easier to sprinkle those details into the story in a way that manages to also feel very meaningful.

Again, don’t get me wrong: I love multi-para RP. And RP in general. I think it’s fun and engaging, and if you can find the right partner it’s a wonderful hobby. Hell, I’m RPing as Regal again with the same partner I had in 2011. I’m having a great time. We’re communicating. We’re not stressing too much about matching RP lengths. We’re past the 200,000 word mark. We know where the story is going.

-

So in 2023, I had that dream—the doorstep baby dream—and I decided after a few weeks of it lingering at the back of my mind that I would try to outline it. Again, I’d never outlined anything in my life. This was a safe option to work on, because, at the time, I thought, “I probably won’t even finish this.”

A few hours later, and…it was finished. I then thought, all right. Now I guess I outline by chapter? It didn’t have to mean anything. I probably wouldn’t finish it anyway.

But I did. And when I say these chapter outlines were short I mean that. I didn’t want to get bogged down by details. I asked myself what was important to cover in each chapter and only wrote that down. The details would follow. Multi-para RP taught me how to fill space.

Here’s an example for you. Chapter 2’s outline was:

If you read the story, you know the outline seems completely at odds with the actual events of the chapter. I did not ‘outline’ any of those specifics.

I started writing. The story got away from both outlines. I reined things in again and restructured the story to make room for the changes by adding two more chapters to it.

I finished the story.

I started writing a new one, and then I outlined it. Weird tactic, but it worked. I finished it.

And I have spent the last year just. Coming up with ideas and then outlining them. I haven’t written more because in the throes of hyperfixation I completely and utterly destroy my health (and I have never operated much outside of that), so I’ve been avoiding sinking into it despite the allure of having more completed stories.

But maybe I should practice doing that anyway—writing like a normal person instead of a crazed lunatic.

But we’ll see.

I don’t know. I just wanted to talk about writing…and while I started this intending to talk about all the stories I’ve been outlining, I ended up just kind of walking you (if anyone actually read this far!) down the path I took to learning how to write the way I write now.

And the very weird path I took to learning to love outlining.

[dalliansss]

fic self rec

Tagged by @skaelds

Red

Melkor/Maedhros. My first ever foray into the Silmarillion fandom. The idea is actually years old but I only got round to write it last year. Originally planned for 6 chapters, exploded into 25. Spans the entire First Age and explores the why of Morgoth hanging Maedhros by Thangorodrim. It was no rescue at all.

There and Back Again

An AU spin on the Quest for the Silmaril. Set in the same verse as ‘Red’. Maedhros joins the quest and makes a touch move on the Stones board.

in the course of time

First part of the Glissando series. Maedhros/Finrod; my otp. These series got me into developing my take on Finrod as my foremost writing muse, among others. Spans the First and Second Ages. Canon events and AU backgrounds and implications.

where the blade twists

Collaboration work with skaelds. Basic premise of what if the paragon of the Elves — golden Finrod — actually falls into the dark? Sauron/Finrod, spans multiple ages. Explicit, violent and dark; but we promise it’s worth the ride if you’re not afraid of pushing beyond your usual tastes in fanfics.

Along Came an Elf

The Celegorm and Ungoliant friendship AU that nobody asks for. Turko proves you can befriend anyone provided you can be courteous enough. He gets taken for a ride in a bag, and becomes the first Noldo to return to Beleriand. Shenanigans happen.

Tagging: @eternal-fear @goschatewabn @elentarial @luteoflorien + you

[thedunesea]

Hi. How’s your day?

I just want to say I mostly agree with your post about AI writing. I am a student from science background but is enthusiastic about fictions. Also my native tongue is NOT English.

Because of my……rather unique background knowledge, I feel like I have a “weird” stand about AI writing. I feel like 99% people I know use AI writing tools wrong, either they don’t know how to structure their story, how to create conflicts, or how to communicate with AI writing tools.

In summary, they’re either bad at storytelling or bad at using AI tools.

In fact, I use AI writing tools just like your post suggested—I mainly tell them what sentences I would use to describe the scenery, and see if they have better wording than mine. Or I would ask them which adjectives to use here, as google translate is dumb. Or I would ask if a scene which is not from my own culture make sense, as I don’t want to bother any online folks on this matter.

Your post made me feel less guilty about using the tools. I am not sure whether or not it’s a good thing tbh but thank you. I wanted to have some research about this topic, but I got yelled by people’s angry anti-AI writing posts in my face on tumblr most of the time. Like—I get it, but I wonder am I the only one who has the similar idea on this topic? Then I found your post.

I feel like my main concern now is—by using those tools, am I making the “evil” in others’ eyes stronger? As there are news about AI writing tools using online fanfics to train their models, the tools themselves might be unethical.

Thank you again and hope you don’t mistake my message……I’m here to say “thank you” and try to have some conversations over AI writing.

Hello friend, I'm doing fine, thanks, even if quite busy with the end of the school year approaching. I hope you're doing fine too!

I completely understand your fears and your reserves, and I share them. I think that the issue at hand here has two faces we need to tackle. The first is the tool, i.e. artificial intelligence chat bots; the other issue, the really problematic issue, is the way these bots were trained.

My foray into chat gpt was as a teacher, not as a writer: I needed to assess the potentialities and the drawbacks of the tool, since I'm fairly sure I will soon have to account for it when preparing my courses and perhaps even to integrate it into my teaching routine.

I do think that the tool, if used properly, could be really useful for teaching and learning, and also for everyday life. It's like having a very calm, very proper, very family friendly protocol droid. You have to take everything it says with a grain of salt, but it can help you get what you need (i.e. starter bibliography on a topic you aren't familiar with). It can also be invaluable for the uses you described. AI isn't inherently evil, if (and this is a HUGE if) we regulate its uses in order to let it substitute human work only when that work force can be redirected towards more engaging and more useful tasks, and never as a substitute to human knowledge and creativity.

What is evil is the economic system we live in, and this brings us to the second issue. Chatgpt was trained on data provided for free on the web, data that were never meant for this. This in itself is unethical, and a gross misuse of the web. Honestly I don't care that my fics may have been scrapped, but I understand why people do, and anyway my own feelings on the subject are way beyond the point: this is another egregious example of corporations using people's time and engagement to scrap data and profit, and this is one of the evils of our time.

And yet we keep using evil tools all the time. I use whatsapp, and I still have a facebook profile, so I'm feeding data to meta. I am not vegan, and I know all the evils of intensive animal farming. I don't buy a lot of fast fashion, and yet all my clothes are made in developing countries, and I have no idea of the conditions of the workers there. Heck, the fridge I just bought because the old one broke down is produced by a company that used to produce in Italy but then delocalized to a developing country, firing hundreds of employees.

I couldn't have bought an ethical fridge: I don't even know if they exist, and even if they did, I couldn't afford them. I absolutely couldn't afford to only buy clothes made in Italy or Europe. I could go vegan, but honestly I don't really want to. I eat meat very rarely, I only eat local fish (by which I mean fished in Italy, I don't live on the sea) and I buy eggs from certified cage-free hens. I could get rid of whatsapp, but it would complicate my life to an extreme I am not willing to go to. I can't give up google suite because I use it for work.

One thing I don't do, for example, is order delivery food. That is a form of exploitation I choose not to partake in, because it's a choice I can make. Would I want to have pizza delivered to my house sometime? Yes, of course I would. Am I willing to put at risk the life of someone less privileged than me (delivery people here are mostly immigrants, often 40+ years old) to have my pizza delivered to me instead of getting off my ass and going to buy it myself to take away? No, like hell I am!

Why am I saying all this?

Because until I only buy handmade clothes and locally produced foods, only own ethically produced tech (HA!), never use products from meta or google again... Until then, who am I to lecture anyone on their use of chat gpt?

We live in an unethical world. This doesn't make us above reproach, but we have to choose our battles, and very few of us are really in a position to hate on others for the battles they choose - and those they don't.

If chat gpt helps you, get to know its pros and its cons: if using it doesn't bother you, use it! Chances are that the people that would get mad at you are probably using something unethical too - like driking milk, because the disboscation and pollution and soil consumption that are needed to produce our milk are far worse things than a bot scrapping the ao3.

I am sorry for the ramble, and I hope I didn't come across as patronizing: this wasn't really aimed at you, personally, it was more like a written train of thoughts, because honestly I asked myself the same questions you did when I started to think about if and how to incorporate these bots into my teaching routine, and this is the only answer I could find for myself.

[for the record, I won't use it for teaching, not yet: I want to get to know the tool and its training and all these issues way better before I decide to willingly expose my kids to it]

[coldtomyflash]

Hi, Redhead! I just wanted to say hi and thank you. I'm in my early 40's and new to fandom, having only just been introduced to the Arrowverse at the start of this year. I just branched into reading fanfic and my first one, by random choice, was Tumbling Together and it was a *delight.* So, of course, I moved on to An All Too Jagged Snowflake, which was so heartachingly beautiful. I feel so lucky to have begun my foray into fanfiction with these two works. Thank you! - Peachy

Hi Peachy!

This is incredibly sweet, thank you so much for sending this message, and for your lovely comment on Tumbling Together <3

And welcome to fandom and fanfiction!!

I'm honoured to have been your first fic experience and just so delighted that you enjoyed these stories and are (hopefully) enjoying yourself so far!

Fandom and its norms (which are always shifting) and silos and unique ways of doing thing can be both very inviting and very opaque depending on one's point of entry, so I hope that you've had a good experience thus far. One thing that I've always really loved about the coldflash fandom is how inviting it typically was and is. Like any large-enough group (or ship), there were definitely a few toxic elements back in its heyday, but for the most part a lot of us worked hard to make sure they didn't get traction because we loved this space so much and wanted to keep it positive, to the extent that we were able.

Meaning - the Arrowverse was such a lovely place for me to transition from being a fandom lurker to fandom creator and contributer, and I sincerely hope that your experience has reflected that positivity we aimed to build.

Thanks again for this lovely message :)

[hangon-silvergirl]

What's your favourite thing you've written this year? Can be a whole story, a chapter, a line or piece of dialogue, a turn of phrase - anything!

My favorite thing that I've written this year is the first scene that I wrote for Marigold (it's from chapter two), and writing it was what made me decide to publish the story (and ultimately the buzz as well). I'd been out of fandom for a couple of years at that point, had even deleted my original tumblr, and I was honestly really hesitant to start publishing fanfic again.

This particular idea, however, haunted me for like two weeks before I finally hashed it out, and writing it really made me really want to share it with people. Marigold has had a very clear start, middle, and end for me right from the beginning, and it all took shape around this little section:

Bowie wraps up and Dio starts playing Rainbow in the Dark. Chrissy preens, starts crooning; she loves this song. It might be her favorite, next to Uptown Girl. It’s a song she’d stumbled on, discovered while watching MTV at a house party last fall. She’s not generally into this sort of music--hard and heavy, usually aggressive--but Chrissy believes firmly that every genre has exceptions, songs that are for anybody and everybody, and this song is one of those; a gateway drug for metal music. “Lost my hold to the shadows of the night,” she sings quietly. Chrissy queues up at the til behind the only other customer in the store. She absentmindedly takes in his height and broad shoulders and long curly hair, which is pulled into a loose bun at the nape of his neck. There’s a joint tucked behind his ear, and the well-conditioned, prudish part of Chrissy’s brain thinks well that’s brazen. He’s wearing a worn and faded black t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and jeans made of more holes than denim. He’s wearing a chain, and he’s got a nice butt. There’s a Slim Jim, a package of Twinkies, and two stacked cartons of Pall Malls on the counter in front of him, and he’s drumming his long fingers against the plastic of the lottery ticket display. His fingers are full of rings. Abruptly Chrissy’s brain catches up with what she’s looking at, specifically that she's been casually checking out Eddie Munson. She tenses immediately and her eyes go wide. Shit. Chrissy doesn’t want him to see her. She’s enjoying this however-brief foray into a version of Hawkins where she’s got a little anonymity, where she's not Chrissy Cunningham. She’s not ready for the spell to be broken, to turn into a pumpkin, to hear her mother’s ugly words again (not after just resolving to stamp them out of her subconscious). She wants to eat, actually eat the chili dog in her hand. Chrissy takes a couple of steps backward, glancing frantically around for an escape route, considers ducking behind a shelf and spying on him from behind the bags of corn nuts. It’s too late, though. Eddie starts turning around, and he does so in slow motion. His mouth is twisting into a grin. His fringe and the loose curls around his face bounce. He’s leaning against the gum rack, and one of his legs is bouncing too, fingers still tap-tap-tapping away. “Great song--” he starts to say, but Eddie stops dead in both movement and words the second he and Chrissy make eye contact. Obvious recognition flits across his face. “Oh dang,” she all but whispers. Chrissy would shrink, the way she always does, it’s what she wants to do, make herself so small she just disappears; she wishes she could fold herself into the walk-in fridge with the bags of milk, or climb into the ice machine. Her arms are laden with glorious garbage, though, so she’s stuck. She’s on display like an exhibit in a museum: Unhinged, Spiraling Cheerleader - 1985. Chrissy starts chewing on her bottom lip, heat rising unbidden in her cheeks, because of course it does. (She must look absolutely insane.) Eddie seems to struggle to take in everything--her food, her clothes, her music, her very existence in this 7/11--it looks like he’s trying to mentally solve a very complicated math problem. “Chrissy Cunningham?” he asks, profoundly confused. She nods, mutely. He nods back slowly. “You’re listening to Dio.” This is a statement, not a question. “Um,” she manages. “Yes?” He blinks. “Oh.”

Thanks for the ask, @notquitecogent 🥰

[amplifyme]

1 (font), 19 (writing journey), 35 (favorite rule to smash) :)

1.) What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Calibri 12 pt. I used to always default to Times New Roman because of the formatting rules for submitting fics way, way back in the day. I think that traumatized me, so I had to go with something different. I find Calibri easy on my (old) eyes.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I've been writing fiction for as long as I can remember. Grade school, maybe, though it wasn't fanfic back then, it was just stories that popped into my head and wouldn't go away until I put them on paper. My first foray into fanfic was triggered by the 1987 TV series Beauty and the Beast - primarily the character of Vincent and the community of folks who made their home in the tunnels and caverns below the streets of NYC. I blame George R.R. Martin for igniting the flame that made me ask, "But what happened then??" The rest is history.

Of course there were bumps along the way. There still are. I don't just suffer occasional periods of writer's block. I get those fuckers long-term, like multiple years at a time. But I've been forcing myself lately to write every day, even if it's only one or two words. At least I'm doing something.

Where am I now? Suffering one of those writer's blocks, but determined to push through it. The stories are there; I just need to get them out of my head and onto paper.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

All of them! Show me a rule and I'm determined to break it. I have the heart of a rebel.

Thanks for the questions! 😊

[flirty-froggy]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Old Guard (Movie 2020) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Nile Freeman & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani Characters: Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Andy | Andromache of Scythia Additional Tags: Slice of Life, Bonding, Post-Canon, this was supposed to be 'the team actually know fuck all about history lol', and ended up being Nile and Joe in a bookshop, and Nile and Nicky in the kitchen, having quiet conversations, with a bit of sadness about Booker, ANd Andy Summary:

“Ok, I have to ask.”

“Please do.”

“Why are you reading a book about the First Crusade?”

“Because I want to know what happened. Why else do people read history books?”

“But you were there.”

Nicky shrugged. “Joe was at the Argentina vs England game in 1986, but he got stuck in the toilet and missed Maradona’s goal.”

Nile stared at him. “What?”

 Nile gets to know Joe and Nicky a little better.

[tsvaling]

Announcement? Update? Screaming at the void? I don’t know what to call this right now, so if anyone is curious about what the hell I’ve been doing all this time read on...

So, I’ve been getting a few asks about my ongoing fics and whether I’m going to continue them because I haven’t posted a new chapter in 2+ years. Well, as everyone knows, Covid fucked everything up, and 2020 was just a horrendously shitty year on the whole to start with. I have been insanely lucky to avoid getting sick (helps I do not socialize outside of work whatsoever, but considering I work in dental and am literally in people’s mouths all day - yeah, really fucking lucky to have avoid illness). But, the external stress and anxiety the ongoing plague has caused in me has really messed with my ability to write or do anything.

But, as I announced at the end of last year, I’m back in school. I took two classes in the spring and got A’s in both, with such amazingly consistent feedback on my writing that it began to inspire me again.... Except right as I was regaining my confidence, more shit started happening in my personal life to blow a hole in my intentions.

I’ll put the details to that under a cut at the end so if people don’t want to read the shit that’s led to endless existential dread and a burdensome mid-life crisis, you can ignore that part. I’ll just get to the point here.

Despite all the shit that’s been weighing on me the last few months... years, really... I do know I absolutely cannot continue to work where I’m at. I need to get out of the medical field for the sake of my mental health, as well as physical health. But, I can’t just quit because I have bills to pay and I don’t have anything lined up to move on to. I genuinely want to work from home, focusing on what I love and would like to do for a living - writing. My whole plan of getting a Master’s in Library Science after completing my B.A. is still kind of there, but all the feedback I got and the excitement I’m feeling for my writing courses has really told me that writing is something I need to be doing, but I can’t make money off fanfic (copyright law’s a lot stricter with writing versus art).

I’m almost afraid to announce this because it’s probably way too early, but I am working on an original high fantasy romance story that I intend to publish. I’m only in the early planning/ outlining/ worldbuilding stage, but it’s something I really want to write. It’s a smaller scale than a high fantasy saga I’ve had rattling around in my head for years, but it came to me and seems more manageable as a first foray into self-publishing that might give me a base to then spring into the larger saga that’s gotten more solid in shape over the years.

My plan for this is to make a Patreon once I have a solid draft of the story written, then post two chapters a week as I go through my early editing process, and then publish it as an ebook once I’m satisfied - likely using whatever funds I manage to get from Patreon to pay for an outside editor to finalize the book.

But, as I said, this is all in the early planning and hopeful yearning stage of my idea to make a career out of writing. I am absolutely terrified that even speaking about it may jinx me just because of how this year has gone, but I am excited to see if I can do it (all while also taking three classes this fall, ahahahaha).

As to what this means for my fanfic - I don’t know. I still really want to finish Amber Curse, but it’s become so difficult for me to concentrate on my fics that I might not be able to go back to it. Or, I might use it as a way to take a break from my own original work, especially since I can get away with sporadic posting and still get really great and inspiring feedback from people. We’ll see. I know I hate the idea of disappointing anyone with an incomplete story, especially one that is so BIG. So, while that’s sort of in limbo right now, I haven’t forgotten about it.

I’ll try to be more active on here, too - give updates about my process when I can.

But, for those curious as to what I’ve been dealing with this year that’s really fucked with my head, the details are under the cut. Fair warning for those who don’t want to be dragged down, there are mentions of illness and sudden death in the family.

Edit: Realized the post is on the long side, so the cut isn’t working on the mobile platform - so everything after this is just depressing shit you don’t have to read if you don’t want to.

At the beginning of the year my aunt died. She was my dad’s little sister and while we hadn’t been in regular contact with that side of the family, it still took a huge hit on my mental health. To add to it, at that same time, my dad discovered he had a lesion in his throat that came back as lymphoma. Fortunately it was caught early enough and is a form of lymphoma that responds incredibly well to chemo, so after three bouts of chemo and a few weeks of radiation, there is no sign of lymphoma in his system. But my dad is the type to panic over everything (I get it from him), and believe he’s going to die when he only has a common cold, so hearing he has cancer literally a few weeks after his sister died... yeah, not great news.

I am an only child, and I live with my parents, so I had to go with my dad to as many appointments as my schedule would allow so that I could help him understand the prognosis, treatment outcomes, and side effects. My mom’s also been having trouble driving, so anything he needed a driver for fell on me. To add to it, I had to basically act as his therapist and constantly reassure him that he is not going to die. My father and I had a very tense relationship when I was younger, and while we are on better terms now, spending any time with him is stressful because I’m innately terrified of him, but to add to it, I have to remain calm and be the voice of reason and reassurance throughout all this. Even when in the middle of a panic attack, I have to do everything in my power to mask it to make sure I don’t add to whatever the fuck my dad is freaking out about. Add to this extreme burnout from a job that requires me to show compassion and empathy to complete strangers on a regular basis that I no longer really have because it’s all used up - yeah, this whole thing has beaten down my already poor mental health.

And then, right as we were nearing the end of my dad’s treatment - literally he had one more radiation treatment the next day - my mom had a stroke. Again, we were insanely fortunate we caught it as early as we did. She had no signs of paralysis or facial drooping, but was extremely confused with verbal aphasia (word salad) worsening by the minute. My dad and I rushed her to the ER, they got a clot-busting medication into her within two hours of symptoms appearing, and she was pretty much back to normal and transferred to an ICU bed by the next morning. But, again, I had to act as medical advisor from the moment my dad noticed my mom’s changed mental state - assessing her symptoms as a nurse would and making the split second decision to go to the ER, and then literally assisted the nurse in the ER who was assigned to watch over her while the medication did its thing. I am not a nurse for a reason, and being my mother’s caretaker reaffirmed that reason, but my dad was relegated to a corner to do his best to hide his compulsion to freak the fuck out while I just took over all the hands-on work to keep my mom calm and give the nurse an extra pair of hands when my mom needed moving.

All of this has just reaffirmed that life is too short and I am too young to be facing my parents’ inevitable mortality. Chances are they will live for at least another 10 years, but they will need me to take care of them more and more over that time. While I am very fortunate that they are both still mobile and independent, these last few months have kept me on edge waiting for the next emergency to crop up.

Writing is therapeutic for me, so being stuck in a cycle of not being able to write but wanting to write has only made all this worse. But, I am forcing myself to break that cycle. Even if all I’m writing are little blurbs of poetry for myself, it is still something to maintain a fraction of my sanity. Hopefully things will calm down now that my parents have gotten over these hurdles and I can have some time to focus on my work, but if I suddenly go MIA again, chances are something major happened with piss poor timing again.

[multisfabulis]

Death’s Hypocrisy and Life’s Antithesis

Word Count: 3636

TW: Discussion of death and suicide

I can feel my soul wanting to leave my body as I type this out because I'm super nervous over how this will do. Not only is this the third ship fic I've written this year, this is both my first BSD fic (a fandom I've been in since 2016) and my first DazAtsu fic (my OTP since my foray into BSD in 2016) AND it's the last fic I'll have written and posted for 2021. At least I fulfilled my promise of writing more than two fanfics this year!

So how did this idea come about? Well, I've had this HC scenario of Atsushi being in a suicidal state of mind and Dazai helping him out of it while making himself out to be a hypocrite since 2016 (I believe) but I never thought I'd turn it into a fic due to lack of confidence in my abilities and not knowing how to flesh it out beyond the bare bones. Then, over the course of time as I worked on my confidence and my skills, I eventually came around to the idea of turning my HC into a fic. Then Wan! happened (Episode 11 or 12, you know which moment I'm talking about specifically) and I stewed around for months until this fic came into existence earlier this month.

I didn't even plan on this being my first fic in either category! I planned on my first BSD being a SigAtsu fic because I enjoy living in rarepair hell and my first DazAtsu fic was going to be a Kagerou Days fic with death and tragedy but then Wan! happened and I postponed both. That was honestly for the best.

I want to apologize for the philosophizing, Dazai and Atsushi possibly being OOC, and for the pacing. Although I wrote this with the purpose of posting it once it was done, I also wrote it with the intent of indulging in 19 year old me's HC and I'm fully aware this would never happen in canon as it stands now. Still, I hope this fic is enjoyable to read, despite its issues!

One last thing, I do plan on writing more BSD fics! Some of them are DazAtsu while others are for other ships and a couple are even crossover fics! Those will be posted sometime in the future but this is me testing the waters for now!

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     What is life? A question humans have asked themselves dozens upon hundreds upon thousands of times throughout their existence and it was a question that seemed to have no “correct” answer. If you were to ask ten random strangers plucked off the street what life was, they were bound to give you wildly differing answers. A person’s interpretation of the concept relied on a multitude of varying factors, such as their past, their present, and what they believed would be their future. They also didn’t remain static; they could change due to any number of reasons and in a matter of years, months, weeks, or even days, depending on what happened. The answer was ever evolving, making it unlikely, if not impossible, to ever truly know it.

     For Dazai Osamu, his answer was this. Life was dark, full of death and despair with no end in sight, no hope of it ever getting better. It was hard to tell when it began or even if it “began”, suggesting the possibility he’d known of a life without the perpetual feeling of emptiness within it. Sure, his life went from absolute certainties to hypothetical implications over the past few years of his existence but it didn’t erase his insatiable desire for death. It always followed him, whether in the world of the living or in dreams, it stuck to him like a second skin. Life, as it stood now, was tortuous torment, something he became accustomed to long, long ago.

     The question he sought the answer to was, what was death? It was the end of life, the state of being dead. Children could understand such a concept once it was explained to them in easy and simple terms. However, what he really wanted to know was “What is death?” Would it give him the peace he lacked? Would death be able to fill the void that was inside him? Did death really mean the end of someone’s life or was it a term people used to describe the process of a soul leaving its mortal vessel to move on to the afterlife to exist for however much longer? Then there was the belief that someone was never truly gone if they lived on in others’ memories of them. It’d be just his luck to die only to realize a facsimile of him was still alive by that method. He’d never receive any rest, if that were the case.

     It was another one of those moods again. The ones where he pondered on the meaning of life, death, and other abstract concepts before coming to the realization they’d never be completely understood. Usually, when he found himself thinking such things, he’d stow himself away in a secret place for some time until he was done. Today, it occurred during work so he naturally snuck out while no one was looking and came up to the roof, with mostly everyone none the wiser. Ranpo knew because he was Ranpo and Kunikida tore the place apart trying to find him till he eventually checked the roof. As disruptive as these moods were, they did get him out of doing work and they had the added bonus of pissing Kunikida off so it was a win-win scenario.

     Everyone should’ve already been on their way home by now. However, he still had to finish his case reports and send them out before the day was over. He played around with the idea of doing work for a moment. He could write up his reports and be on his merry way but procrastination’s always been a hard habit to break and putting them off for another day was so tempting. Oh, what was he to do?

     Yokohama was just as lively today as it was every other day. Cool air came to chase away the late summer heat as night crept ever closer. Down below were the sounds of people walking and talking and traffic, the typical ambiance of a city. The clear sky above was streaked with vivid hues of red, orange, violet, and blue as the sun set over the horizon towards the west. It was an all too familiar yet still comforting sight to see for a dead man walking.

     He heard the door behind him open with a loud creaking of its hinges. Just by the process of elimination, there were only a handful of people who knew he’d been up here today. He turned around and was greeted by---

     “Atsushi-kun.”

     Atsushi didn’t say anything. It wasn’t surprising, since Dazai noticed he hadn’t been acting quite like himself over the past few days. He still had his snark and was keeping up with both work and Dazai’s antics but it was easy to see he was half-assing it so as to not worry anyone. Whatever was going on, Dazai figured it was nothing too serious and wanted to give Atsushi some time to work through it on his own. Now he was wondering if, perhaps, that was the wrong thing to do.

     “Did Kunikida-kun ask you to come fetch me?” he asked before letting out a fake exasperated sigh. “I swear, it’s like he has no trust in me at all!”

     Instead of beating around the bush or try his hand at lying, Atsushi replied with a simple yet curt, “No, he hadn’t.”

     That was a tad concerning. He said nothing more and stood beside Dazai, resting his arms and head down on top of the railing. He hadn’t seen much of Atsushi today so he wasn’t sure whether something terrible happened while he was out working on a case or if his childhood decided to rear its ugly head up again. There was a good chance it was either-or. Regardless, now was most definitely the time for him to step in and give his lovely kitten some help.

     Before he could open his mouth, however, there were a couple things he saw that gave him pause. Atsushi had an almost listless quality about him, like it took everything he had to just stand there and do little else. Then there were his eyes, which were setting off alarm bells in his head. They looked darker than usual, the violet and gold muted to the point they seemed lifeless. They never lost their light, even in the worst of situations, so Dazai was really starting to worry over what was happening with Atsushi. Panic was a feeling he hated having.

     “Dazai-san, can I ask you something?” Atsushi called out, motionless.

     Despite his gut instinct telling him it was a bad idea, Dazai replied with, “You know I’ll always answer your questions to the best of my ability so ask away.” This might give him a clue as to what was troubling Atsushi so he decided to indulge him.

     “Do you think--” he stood up straight, keeping his eyes transfixed on the city before him-- “if someone were to jump from this height, they would--” his grip on the railing tightened and he swallowed nervously-- “die?”

     Okay, that was very unsettling to hear. Atsushi would never ask such macabre questions, much less entertain the thought of them. He was someone who fought to survive, to live life and see all it had to offer. To listen to a person who enjoyed even the smallest pleasures of the world wonder if a fall off of a building would kill someone went against his character.

     Slipping the mask on, he attempted to brush off the question as a morbid joke with, “Why, Atsushi-kun, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were asking that to see if you wanted to try it for yourself!” It was meant to be a chance to prove him wrong, even in the vain hopes he wasn’t. “But I know you’d never---”

     “And what if I did?” Atsushi asked, cutting him off mid-sentence. “What if I said I did want to try it?”

     “Well, it’s only a hypothetical scenario, isn’t it?” Dazai smiled uncomfortably, growing increasingly disturbed by how the conversation’s going. “It is hypothetical, right?”

     An agonizing moment passed by before Atsushi answered, “…Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

     “Atsushi-kun, you--” He placed a hand on his shoulder to slowly turn him when---

     Atsushi shook it off but it was enough. It was only a glance yet what Dazai saw struck fear into his core. What little light there had been in his eyes previously was completely gone, replaced with a dead hollowness. They were too similar, too close to the ones Dazai remembered staring back at him in the mirror during his days in the Mafia. It was an uncanny resemblance and he needed to do everything in his power to right this wrong, because it didn’t fit sweet Atsushi.

     “What happened? Can you tell me?” He thought if he approached this gently, it’d coax an answer out of Atsushi. It didn’t work. “I’m here to listen if you wanna talk about it.” More silence. “Atsushi-kun, I want to help you but I can’t do that if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

     He let out a sigh. “I thought you of all people would understand this.”

     “I do but that doesn’t mean this is the right way to go about it. What you’re thinking of doing isn’t going to solve everything, it’ll just make it worse.” God, he sucked at this. Not only was he the absolute worst person for this, it was his darling Atsushi he had to talk back from the edge. Anyone else would be better suited but it was just his luck to get caught up in this.

     “You think I don’t know that?” He turned away from the railing to face Dazai. “That’s all I’ve thought about over the past few days and I still feel like this. If anything, it’s only made me feel worse.”

     There was one tactic left he hadn’t tried yet. The very thought of using it was contemptible but desperation called for drastic measures. “Think of all the people that’d be affected by your passing, Atsushi-kun. Think about how Kyouka-chan would feel if you were to die.” He felt like scum for bringing her into this. “You have so much to live for so that’s why---”

     “Don’t give me those empty platitudes, Dazai-san, we both know you don’t believe in what you’re saying.” There was barely restrained anger in his voice and he glared at Dazai with heated intensity. “How can you ask me to live when you don’t even give yourself the same courtesy? You’re-you’re a hypocrite, Dazai-san!”

     He deserved that, especially for trying to manipulate him. Atsushi was right; Dazai was a hypocrite. How could a man like him talk someone out of committing suicide when he couldn’t extend the same mercy to himself? He craved death like it was his life’s purpose; he wasn’t qualified for this.

     Yet, because it was Atsushi, Dazai had to help him. Whatever was making him think he should die, he needed to be convinced it was only temporary. A proven hypocrite’s point still stood.

     “I may be but it doesn’t make what I said any less true.” Atsushi averted his eyes, most likely ashamed of his earlier outburst. Dazai’s voice took on a softer, kinder cadence as he said, “You can choose to believe what I’m about to say next, all I ask is for you to listen, okay?”

     Gently, he grabbed Atsushi’s hands and held them in his own. It was clear to see the difference between them in how they viewed life. Dazai’s were stained in so much black blood, they showed naught a trace of the “human” underneath. Atsushi’s, meanwhile, were pure white with only a splash of scarlet. He couldn’t stomach the idea of killing someone while Dazai felt the countless amount of sins crawling up his back. They were life and death yet the reaper was giving his antithetical partner the encouragement to keep going. How paradoxical.

     “You’re right, I’m a hypocrite. What right do I have telling you to live when I don’t tell myself the same?” He stroked the back of Atsushi’s hand with a thumb. “But it’s because you deserve to while I don’t. You’re a good person, Atsushi-kun, and I’m a poor imitation of one. You want to save people, you have saved people, and it’s because you are and choose to be a good person.”

     Dazai, in a rare moment of candidness, cast his gaze down to their conjoined hands before continuing on. “In some ways, you’re what I strive to be yet I know I can never reach you, no matter how hard I try--” his grip tightened ever so slightly upon sensing Atsushi’s incoming protests-- “and that’s okay. I’ve committed far too many crimes to ever be redeemed, I know I’m destined for hell but you still have a chance.

     “The world will always be a dark and harrowing place but--” he looked up and took a deep breath in-- “you, along with everyone else in the Agency, fight to make it less so. If you were to die here and now, the world would lose that little bit of goodness, that little bit of light only you have.

     “That’s why I ask--” he cupped Atsushi’s cheek, peering into his eyes that seemed to be regaining their natural brilliance-- “for you to live. Don’t die, not yet, not until it’s your time to go. Live, Atsushi.”

     Atsushi stepped back, turning away from Dazai, who was unsure on what he should do next. He felt too exposed standing out here but he didn’t want to run and hide again until he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt Atsushi would be all right. The mask had a tendency to slip whenever they were together but this might’ve been the first time Dazai let Atsushi into his walls, if only for a moment. It was strange and not at all appropriate with the kind of relationship they shared. Yet, if his precious Atsushi was ever in this situation again, he’d bring them down without any hesitation.

     Each and every word was said with the utmost sincerity. He spoke out of the depths of his heart, even if he was a demon masquerading as a human. He wanted to believe he got through to Atsushi, stopped him from potentially going through on a mistake that’d cost him greatly. He held on to hope like it was a lifeline.

     They may have been on the side of light but they were there for very different reasons. Dazai only wanted to fulfill his dear friend’s dying wish of becoming a good man in spite of all the atrocities he’d committed. Atsushi wanted to do good, whether it was by helping people or doing the right thing, which was more selfless and noble than Dazai could ever be. The world could care less if another monster like him were to die but if it were Atsushi? It’d be worse off.

     Several minutes went by as he wondered if he had possibly crossed his boundaries when he heard it. A quiet sniffling, followed by a shaky intake of air and a soft whimper, like someone was crying but trying to hide it. It was a sound he recognized, having listened to it many times before.

     Tears threatening to spill over filled Atsushi’s eyes. His shoulders trembled as he bit down on his lower lip to keep himself from sobbing. As sad as the scene was, it brought Dazai some much-needed relief. Atsushi was going to be okay.

     “D-dazai-san…” A tear rolled down his cheek before he wiped it away. “I’m sorry for… worrying you and for yelling at you earlier.” Then, as if he couldn’t hold it any longer, the dam burst open as a myriad of tears fell to the ground. “I’m sorry that I let you down, that I’m just a disappointment and---”

     Maybe it was from hearing the absolute pain and guilt in his voice or the pitiful way he looked at him. Whether it was one or the other, it didn’t matter. It was enough for Dazai to grab Atsushi’s wrist, draw him into his arms, and just hold him for however long it took till he stopped crying.

     Atsushi didn’t return the sudden hug, likely too shocked to do so. This was very much out of Dazai’s comfort zone and it wasn’t like him to make spur-of-the-moment decisions based on pure emotion. However, what Atsushi needed right now was an equal, not a mentor, and Dazai hoped he was filling in that position somewhat. If this left Atsushi feeling better after everything, it’d be worth it.

     “You could never disappoint me,” he whispered, smiling fondly. “You always manage to find a way to surprise me, even exceed my expectations.” His arms tightened ever so slightly around him. “You’re more than you think you are.”

     Dazai gave Atsushi one last squeeze before pulling away a moment later. Atsushi stood stock still, no doubt stunned from everything that just happened, and he had a flush of embarrassment on his face. Knowing he was going to be all right, Dazai felt confident that they had nothing left to discuss.

     Atsushi called out in a meek voice, “Dazai-san, I---”

     “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai walked past him towards the direction of the door. “Kunikida-kun will kill me if I don’t finish my work and I’d rather my death be at my own hands.” He opened the door, the creaking of its hinges echoing from inside the stairwell. He turned back to Atsushi. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

     Before more could be said, he went inside and descended the stairs. He made it down one flight, deciding to get off on the floor above the Agency. Going home sounded appealing but he’d be risking bumping into anyone from there and he really didn’t want to deal with them after what happened. He walked further in, wanting to ground himself back to reality.

     That was… a lot. He was used to high-pressure situations, fights where his life could be snuffed out by a split-second decision but this was different. Dazai, a man who yearned for the sweet release of death, had to talk down Atsushi, someone that lived life to the fullest, from suicide. Not only was it a complete reversal of some of their earliest interactions but he opened up to him. He was a former Mafia executive that kept even those closest to him in the dark about his intentions yet he bared just a piece of his soul to save his protege. How things change over the course of 4 years…

     Atsushi was special. There was no other way to explain it; Atsushi had endeared himself to Dazai with his honesty, his faith, his loyalty. He deserved the right to live, the right to exist. He may be young and inexperienced now but there was nothing stopping him from reaching his potential if he continued on this path. Dazai was sure he’d get there in a few years’ time, even if he wasn’t there to witness it someday. Maybe he should try to stay alive until then, if only so Atsushi wouldn’t be sad over him not seeing how much he’d grown.

     Dazai let out a sigh and leaned against a nearby wall. When had Atsushi become so important to him that he was considering prolonging his tormented existence? It was made in jest but it was still a joke he’d never think about normally. He would be the death of him, either metaphorically or by his own hands. Honestly, if Dazai were to die via murder, he’d like his beautiful tiger to be his killer.

     How cruel yet fitting it is for death to love life.