#oh and college too i guess
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good time to mention im not just a one fandom guy-
yep im into FE as well, and my brayne has decided to make that it's current focus (it has a habit of jumping fandom to fandom at random)
anyways this was created cause my two friends have no idea what the fuck i am talking about half the time when it comes to Fire Emblem
#fire emblem#EP's shitty memes#yes you can expect me to make aus for Fire Emblem btw#currently dabbling in making an au for Awakening as we speak#and there will prob be more in the future#(as in for both Awakening in specific and the other entries of the franchise too)#but yeah gam good#also as a reminder just cause i have jumped fandoms-#-does not mean i have completely given up on older fandoms#just means it is on partial hiatus in my brayne space#but anyways#its gonna be great when i finally get more details to the FE Awakening au im working on-#-that way i can actually mention it over here#cause i like having several details already decided before mentioning an au#cause if i don't do it that way there would be many an abandoned au posted upon me tumblr#i still live i have just done nothing but play Fire Emblem Awakening this past month#oh and college too i guess#also when i say the two friends know nothing-#-i mean absolutely nothing#they didn't know Awakening saved the franchise until i told them a few days ago#they don't even know the Black Knight's true identity!#i really hope i can get the Tellius games so i can force those two through those games#i want to see if they guess it without *any* hints (or mobile game spoilers)#because you do not get an opportunity like this often#but anyways i rambled enough for a meme post
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you'll be pleased to know that on my first day back at my job after my two week vacation i am already in one of my semi-regular Job Crises where i feel like if i dont find a new, better job soon im going to explode into 5 billion pieces
#in case you were wondering if i was handling it well#considering getting some sort of degree . but i cant afford that!!!!!!!!!#but i may need one. if i want a better job........#this is so evil. where are the jobs where you can just do fuck all#in all seriousness back to the degree thing im considering getting a degree in library sciences but i dont even have a bachelors 💀#i was too broke for college! had to work! still have to work! no time or money to go to college then or now!#my crisis aside its extremely funny to me how im not even through my first day back and im like oh lol right i hate every minute of this 👍#also im trying not to have Severe guilt abt the ticket(s) i bought the other day like some crazy person but thats another story#yes ill make the money back yes ill enjoy the show but the Guilt..........#which was entirely because my dad was like >:( when i told him i got a ticket for a Far Lesser amount#and im just hoping he doesnt notice how much my bank account has gone down. oops#but that aside and back to my job crisis:#i cant stand it here!!!!!! i really do hate it!!! and i need a new job. however? everything abt the job process is awful and against me#i was planning on writing an article when i got back from vacation but you guessed it im now too stressed/upset to be creative#which is hampering any possibility of my creative aspirations becoming some sort of career#im so tired. already right back to where i was before my vacation when i really needed a vacation#:( . like ill be fine lol i just. am going through it and these tags have gone on too long#but i think i really will get worse if i stay here for longer and its not even that bad but by god sometimes it is#anyway . im taking it well
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the only thing that’s gonna keep me from killing my self when the school year starts is the outsiders musical awaiting me
(excuse the rant in the tags 😭)
#cw sui joke#im like half kidding#dumbass is taking college physics and college history and honors trig and honors english in the same year#along with choir sculpting drawing and gym#also college spanish#i’m taking my seal of biliteracy test this year too#and i’m doing this with no lunch or periods off#i think im doing it to prove im better than my brother#that sounds twisted#i guess overworking myself will keep me occupied though?#it’ll be worth it when i have an easy senior year (i won’t im gonna overwork myself again next year)#i still haven’t done my summer hw#oops#butbyeah i’m gonna become a lot less active come september mb#anyway a114 gonna be awaiting for my burnt out ass#i might actually have a mental breakdown at the show#i’m being serious like idk why i do this to myself#oh and i have to start looking at colleges#woohoo#im being serious idk if im gonna make it to senior year lmfao#well see#(i’ll make it dw)#everything is a joke i swear#anyway#i’m alright guys dw
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Great googley moogley it’s all going to shit! Every day becomes exponentially more terrifying!
And all perfectly timed to just right at the start of what’s supposed to be my adult life where I get my shit together and be useful and productive!
#we’re cooked#we’re doomed#idk the end is nigh or whatever god damn#I just wanna be able to live in my own house and draw a guy sometimes without the ever present threat of the horrors is that too much#apparently yeah cause houses aren’t achievable anymore but man#m a n#especially if you didn’t/couldn’t go to college and aren’t capable of working most jobs#doesn’t help there’s the chance some part of my existence might be suddenly illegal or extremely dangerous yippie!#the options are literally 1. people die 2. people die what the hell do you even do man#how the fuck is this the election I’m gonna get forced to be a part of we’re living in hell#and nobody around me believes it’ll get bad yay great oh so wonderful#I can’t wait to lose rights and cause millions of deaths regardless of who gets chosen#I think one of these days I’m literally just gonna die of stress#it’ll either be a stroke or a heart attack or cancer or uh well ya know#we’re fucked#we’re screwed#I wanna have some kind of an actually visible break down but ive suppressed everything so much that I don’t outwardly emote much anymore :)#and the constantly dissociating thing too I guess#if you ever think ‘oh yeah I can just think of guy in a situation that’s so cool’ don’t it’s a trap—#although tbh this would be significantly worse without it so uh law of equivalent exchange I guess#fuck fuck fuck anyway#not putting this in the main tags#definitely deleting this later#if anyone in my house got any hints that I may or may not have different opinions than them well uh I’m financially dependent on them so um#literally wouldn’t have anywhere to go if anything happened#oh we’re really in it now Simon#hell world#there’s like what 7 genocides going on too I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything#I can’t do anything to help anyone either cause I don’t have a job and I could get kicked out or treated badly at home for it#not that anyone thinks very highly of me at home anyway I am kinda family disappointment number 2 I pretty sure
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maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone
#like how my day is? or what dumb stuff im doing lol#my “safe space” where i got to meet people somehow (and theyre very cool :3c)#well. im happy if i get to do it now#cmon nae! sympathy points wont do you any good !!#okay so. tumblr gets to be my little planner too cause i get to write things in the momoment#so im writing things im proud of!#brushed my teeth for more than two mins today#n i actually washed a lil! its embarrassing writing this here because i dont want anyone thinking im dirty.... since its gross#but anyways.. im getting better at putting my phone down at night!#that means fixing my sleep right? i just have to sort out the mornings since i lose track of time#and struggle to leave bed (its too comfyyyy >.<)#and oh. i want to start going on walks..#itll be hard since the house is getting done n stuff but. anytine if the day. i feel like taking walks woukd be better for me#just to keave the house. my eyes always hurts when i steo outside#n thats not good :<#those are my goals for now. i do wanna get closer to my friends. and actually make friends!#ive had no friendships for nearly a year at college lol#its just been 'oh well' but i have actually felt lonely... oh well-#i guess i wanna get closer to people?#and.. talk to ny old friends too#i feel to guilty#im not good with this stuff. it drains me#but anyways. baby steps right? who knows#maybe ill make a friend on the trip! or next year too! that sounds good#ik nobody'll probably read this cause its word vomit lol#but basically yay yippee im feelin kinds alright#<333#posts.nae/rambles
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Guy from my student newspaper just emailed me to ask what hot-button legislative issues young people are concerned with so he can ask a local politician about it??? At a political internship interview???? In this deep red county????????? I am the WRONG guy to ask buddy
#why did he ask me in the first place#I have spoken to this guy once ever#I guess just because I have local news experience so like. I know what stuff people are worried about?#but I DON'T bc the only investigative journalism I've done is about my college and DEI etc.#which is state level not local#the paper I interned at specifically didn't want to 'be too political'#(everyone but me who worked there was super far right or 'centrist' at best)#which is one of the main reasons I left... but I digress lmao#I just. have no idea how to respond to this#ig I'll just be like 'oh sorry! I don't have much experience with political issues'#I'd also be less annoyed if he were actually writing an article. but no#I think he's literally just going to an internship interview and wants to sound impressive? and he wants to work in local government so....#ellyposting
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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It's so awkward to tell people about my majors lol, like:
Other People: "So what are you majoring in?"
Me: "Soooo I'm double majoring technically..."
Other People: :O
Me: "...and double minoring."
Other People: "Oh my gosh you must be really smart!!"
Me: "Ummm, kinda? I mean technically?"
Other People: 🤨
Me: "I mean, I'm really book smart! But like, if you're talking about overall smarts, I think it averages out."
Other People: "You can't be that bad-"
Me: "I regularly forget to eat."
Other People: 😐
Me: 😐
Other People: "Sooooo..." (finds another topic)
#I'm kidding frfr I don't drop that on other people without warning (usually)#but it is weird having people say “Oh you're SMART smart!” and me being there like ( -. _-.)#and sometimes it's even worse cause instead of saying I'm smart they say “Oh you like math? I could NEVER”#(I'm minoring in math and both of my majors are pretty mathy)#and I have to go “I don't like math either”#and then it's back to blank faces#cause like? I'm getting fonder of calculus and stuff because I'm finally really starting to understand some of it#and I have fond memories of my calculus teachers (<3 <3)#but I still don't love it it's literally my worst subject#or sometimes people go “You're minoring in Spanish are you fluent!?!”#and I have to go “I'm conversational in the way that broken Spanish is somewhat understandable :T”#literally had this exact conversation earlier and am still cringing mentally about it#I guess gifted vibes??#actually gifted#intellectual giftedness#college things#also technically adhd things for reasons but that'd take too many tags to explain#maybe if someone asks?
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God, I will never not enjoy how surprised nearly all my younger students get when they find out how much I know about video games. Like... but you're my teacher... and you're nearly 30... and you're a woman... how can this be??? 🤯
#my favorite thing is when they start trying to convince me to play their favorite games and report back to them about what i thought of them#it's so cute#plus honestly they already normally get so shocked when they see my gaming laptop... then they find out i actually use it hahaha#i am proud of the fact that i've been told i type fast by 12 year olds... that is a real compliment... they type SO fast themselves#god... on another note one little girl once saw my laptop stickers and asked me what year i graduated from miskatonic university#and then i told her it's a fictional school and she said “oh so you didn't go to the college of winterhold either?” 😂#once one kid asked me if i have a husband and kids and when i said no to both of those she goes “oh i guess you're alone” 😂😂#and then i told her i live with my two best friends and we mostly play video games and board games and tabletop rpgs all day#and then she said she wants to do that too lol#i told her she should do whatever she thinks will make her happy ofc#it is just amusing when kids meet an adult who doesn't act the way they expect... but honestly they adapt to new info so fast#i mean ofc they do they are designed to learn basically everything is new to them#they are funny because they get so shocked and then instantly recover
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The second person in my life told me that I haven't ended up in a serious relationship by now bc I cared about my friendships too much and all I heard was:
You gotta stop. You are friending too much. Your platonic love is too tough. They gonna kill you.
#personal#well SORRY i was just living my life hanging out with ppl I like#i kinda hoped that i will naturally end up in a relationship at some point#i didn't know i should run around desperately asking everyone if they wanna go on a date with me 🙄#i was having funnnnn#i would go to anime cons with my girls and to the sea and in the neighbouring city and to the capital and to the river and to the lake#and we would go play badminton or cards like we would mix a few decks to make a game last longer#or we would go to the swimming pool it was fun too or i would just invite my friends to room and we would watch anime#oh i loved visiting my friends too it was fun to go be a guest#just going out of college to lay down in some grass was fun#i would text a lot like i used to sms a lotttt#oh do u remember home phones? with a cord#sorry for being a friend i guess. what a crime im sentenced to a lifetime without love for it 🙄
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When u realize u don’t rly have any friends
#here’s to hoping I do better in college I guess#oh the woes of not wanting to assume things#faced with the knowledge that it probably did happen#but too polite to bring it up …
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My GCSEs start tomorrow gang wjsihxksjdkd exploding on the spot
I have a performance for PA (which we've BARELY rehearsed btw) and then the lesson after I have a speaking exam for English (that'll be easy though apparently everyone gets distinctions jskxhskfndk)
Then I think Tuesday and Wednesday I'm in art all day doing my final exam so I'm gonna work more on trying to figure out my final piece today
Then from May 9th all the rest of my exams start (I'll probably have another PA exam this Friday though)
Thursday is the only day I'm free JDKSJDKDJ (its also the worst day of school though in terms of lessons so that's just evil/silly)
#rai rambles#WHY ARE THEY SO CLOSEEEE#Year 11 went too fast 😭😭😭#im both excited and scared for my exams to start#cause i wont have to deal with my classmates much during them#but also examssssss#at least i only need to get 5s for the college im going to so 💥💥💥#thatll be pretty easy in every class except for PRE and History#cause im really bad at both of those#why im in set 1 for both astounds me 💀💀💀#im also not the best at maths but apparently mock scores have been really low for maths this year#so the grade boundaries for the real exams could be too#England is doing so well you guys!!! (lie)#it sucks cause math used to be my favourite subject but high school maths is so 💀💀💀#oh getting a 5 for art wont be easy too#but we'll see how it goes with that one i guess
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.
#personal#lmao around this time last year i decided to give up on him n LMAO girl if only you knew#i should have just talked to him but djdjjdjdjd idk it felt weird. but he even like. complained one time that we didnt talk all summer#like LMAO..... bro its two ways. u could have messaged me too xjdjjdjdjdj#tho to be fair i think he did show up to a dinner but i wasnt there bc i had just had wisdom tooth surgery n was 1. blown up like a balloon#and 2. so high on pain meds i couldnt function JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ#n e way whatever jdjdjdjd im just laughing at myself bc how did this man become my closest friend from college Zhfnnddnnd#our relationship is so weird. not in a bad way but in an unexpected way#we sat beside each other an entire semester n never talked til the last day like thats so FUNNY IDK#i even said to him that time. bc we were talkin in the hallway n went to sit for the exam n sat in our regular spots of being one seat awa#y and i was like... you know its so funny that we sat beside each other all semester and only talked today#and he was like.... hahha yeah#i was gonna introduce myself but it felt so stupid JDJJDJDJD#i didnt even know his name LMAO#i had him narrowed down to 2 names. bc he was one of like 2 guys that Always showed up in another class' zoom#and LOL i was right. he WAS one of those 2 shjdjsjsj#n e way. then the next sem came n i didnt know whether to say hi to him or not bc we talked ONCE#and i was still wearing my mask at this point and so id try to smile at him with my eyes but never got a response HDNJDJD and so i got soooo#annoyed with him. and even more so bc i kept making friends with ppl and they KNEW HIM??? and i was like WHO IS THIS????#then one time he came up to me n my friends before class n we just talked and i was like o lmao this annoyance im having??? its a big ole#crush BDNNDNDND#and in community college its hard to like. know ppls ages and that day i found out he was 2 years younger so i was like o ok 26 n 28 isnt#bad at all#but thinking back.... first things we exchanged that time was age and i think he was also trying to fish for whether i was single bc he was#talkin about this other guy havin a baby n a wife n i was like o wow !! i didnt know!!#jdjxjdjdjdk god when he found out my age he was like... oh i never would have guessed you were older. you look young ZFHJDJDJDJDJD#oh so you were Looking is that right HJXJXJXJZJZJ GOD LMAO#i look back on so many moments n im like oh duh... he must be interested#but for me its like. i will literally more easily believe literally any other theory so i thought he just liked one of my friends Zhjxjx#ya i dont think so anymorem but i thought that up until like mid january HDHXJJXJDDJJDJ
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What if they didn't put ads every 3 posts. Three posts between ads, literally. Not even counting the ad for Tumblr Live.
Also what if tumblr didn't know what city Im in. I do not want my location tracked or stored anywhere unless I give explicit ongoing permission, like with my GPS app that I allow to track me only when the app is open, and then it deletes the data (allegedly) when I stop giving permission.
#ugh i do SO much to try to keep my location private. i use an android with all the tracking things Off (except for my weather app#which is a highly specific app that does NOTHING except provide weather; and i have the location turned Off so it doesnt even know where i#live). my tumblr email is not connected to any real life stuff because i made it when i was very closeted and made a new email and password#for it and never linked them to anything else. i have bare minimum apps. i use firefox and duckduckgo.#for shits sake i use a small barely-known map app because any Map App that has had large success under capitalism is inevitably going to#start selling private info or working with a cheap security system designed to allow quiet data leaks.#i guess i use gmail and gphotos but my phone doesnt HAVE a native Photo App. i have to use one i download and im too damn skittish to try#i guess i did get netflix recently....sigh.... i figured they WERENT tracking me because they email me EVERY TIME I USE NETFLIX to alert me#that OHHHH A NEW DEVICE IS USING NETFLIX AAAAA WHAT IF ITS AGAINST NETFLIX POLICY OH NOOOO. so i figured they didnt have a way to ID me.#UGH. CAN I PLEASE EXIST WITHOUT BEING MONITORED FOR FIVE SECONDS. can i please access Social Media which is a shitty substitute for actual#human connection but its the best i have--without someone noting my location and then trying to sell me things??? can i please watch film???#i cant go to a theater because my region does NOT believe in covid and not even medical staff attending Very Ill Patients wear masks anymore#stupid fucking homophobic transphobic anti-vax society has made it too dangerous for me to access most Not-Online forms of enrichment. and i#cant even use the Internet (a magnificent ASTONISHING human creation) without being tracked and advertised to.#ugh..#humanity is just so cool and brave and kind and amazing and yet we have taxes and advertisment IDs and traffic and medicine shortages.#its not like the ads even work. even when it shows me stuff i DO want. i cant fucking afford things. i already have spent too much money on#things that i dont need like Good Food and Entertainment and Juice. ugh....okay i do need food and liquids....Good food even. my body cant#survive on College Foods like it could in the past. And i might literally die if i dont buy juice...#and i guess its really really really heartwarming to have good entertainment to take breaks from all the stress.... its not like i havent l#..... like im so frugal. thank god my partners encourage me to buy myself things. i have been so much healthier since giving in and buying#Non-Water drinks instead of just Chronically Drinking Less Than A Bottle Of Water A Day. my partners are so good and sweet 😓 i shouldnt be#upset with myself for letting them convince me to take care of myself. that isnt fair to them or me so i will stop doing that now.#my faith in humanity is mostly just knowing that my partners exist. theyre so sweet. if people like them exist--then i have faith in humanty#no pressure lol. they are both so good and perfect regardless of how much energy they have to spare for Being Good. they are just inherently#very dear and good to me and for me. but just because i have faith in humanity doesnt mean im gonna stop complaining the whole time!!!!!! i#will whine about the bad stuff forever!!!! and BITE IT if i ever get the chance. but i will complain until the bothersome things go away.#if i complain my whole life with no results then...! so be it. i will whine and it will be art somehow.#sorenhoots
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His videos are always so…
youtube
#he hasn’t posted in a while either so oh wow#I’m glad he’s still making videos#yeah…. a lot of these edgy black content creators revolve their whole content around punching down on the little guys#going for what’s shocking rather than actually attempting to say something actually funny#either they’re making fun of the lgbt community or they’re laughing at black women#it’s like….#rambling#like I notice that this kind of content is usually from black dudes as well because of course#it’s been going on since the vine days well a little bit before that#but this kind of content got more extreme during the vine days for sure or bad at least started to manifest itself more#the guys in wigs pretending like their ghetto black girls (always making fun of darkskin bw…)#what am I saying this has been a thing for decades#there are sm of them that never do that tho like#rcd world (I’ve been watching them since HS I think lmfao or at least college)#druski’s always been hilarious I could easily see him getting his own show on adult swim or something#Caleb city has always made fun content as well lol#the video does mention a very old video from him that was transphobic I’m guessing (never saw it) but I’m sure he got backlash and took it#down but he’s never made any content like that again for sure#killakaytv is funny too#there’s more but these are the ones that come to mind without me having to think about it they even make content#that’s just edgy af for no reason most of them suck tho if I’m being real I don’t have too much faith for black male content creators 🗿#they can barely keep the fact that they hate black women and lgbt folks out of their content like it’s exhausting#like I could easily rec the folks mentioned simply because they’re actually funny and don’t make content that’s purely mean spirited af#Youtube#crazy about this video#the video is more about edgy content but yeah
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I've been datin' someone and they dumped me this morning and honestly I'm so relieved 'cause now I don't gotta breakup w/ them
#like everything was cool i liked 'em but I was def way too anxious to be in a relationship w/ them. They're just so fucking hot and cool!!!#The anxiety is probably derived from having been in so many toxic relationships tbh like I really felt like I was walking on eggshells-#the whole time I was datin' this person n it's not like they were doin anything to make me feel that way!! If we disagreed about somethin'-#minor it wasn't a big deal it was just w/e which I wasn't used to T^T#I saw the breakup comin' though like it just felt like that was the natural of the relationship!! I saw it from the beginnin if im honest#like when we met I recognized we wanted different things out of life and relationships. Now I'm wondering I was wasting their time?#I don't think so like I gave it a good 'ol college they took me out I took them out we had fun and we ended on really good terms I feel#We hung out for a few hours after we split and just had a good time in general thrifting and talkin' it was super chill#I've just been oh so thrilled 'cause I almost never get dumped!! I forgot that this wasn't the first time someone said we should be friends#The last time was 13 years ago back in middleschool!! I guess I've been ghosted in the past but is that really the same thing?#Everything's comin' up Esther
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