#oh maybe I can’t write actually
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Why hello, inevitable-moment-in-a-writing-project-when-I-convince-myself-I-am-a-talentless-hack-of-no-consequence, we meet again. My beloathed. Please kindly go the fuck away :(
#ughh#don’t mind me I’m just having a bit of a wallow#I’ve just been really struggling to write anything I’m proud of lately#and sort of just feeling like#oh maybe I can’t write actually#maybe I’m just really shit at this#and maybe I’ll just never get any better#and it’s not a very fun feeling!!! at all!!! :(((#and I got some criticism today that hit me kind of hard#I just hate doing badly at something I care about being good at#anyway I’m being dramatic and I’ll get over myself in a bit#I’m just letting myself be upset about it for a little#ivy rambles
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marinette almost getting akumatized into a motherfucker named PANIC physically pains me. oh my god it hurts. like i’m literally going to write a whole essay on it painful. like i can’t stop thinking about it. it’s just so important to me? it’s so real? i don’t know too many words so little brain. something something seeing one of my favorite characters reflect those same terrifying, uncontrollable, and overwhelming moments of just fear it just. i don’t know. it makes me feel so small yet seen? like yeah i have this panic but so do so many others? GOD I DONT KNOW I NEED TO WRITE THIS OUT
#carpetbug talks#akumanette#panic#as someone with bad anxiety#and panic attacks that literally make me forget how to breathe#it’s just so so sooo good#literally can’t put it into better words#literally while watching that episode i freaked the hell out#like ogh. okay. no i’m totally fine. just marinette being named panic. just fucking panic#that is. just so oh my godddddd to me#AND THEN WE NEVER GOT TO SEE BER? IM SUING??#headcanon that she doesn’t speak bc if ur able to like make actual words while having a panic attack i am so jealous of you#shit man maybe i need to draw and or write some akumanette!panic shit
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fics that remember jubilation lee is actually in the original trilogy ( despite having less than a second of screen time ) and have her as john’s actual non-bobby best friend are so big brained, actually. and they’re right! jubilee is 100% john’s bestie and his worstie all rolled into one.
#⧽ ⠀ ⠀ ── ⠀ ⠀ ooc : maybe magneto had a point actually.#jubilee being more john’s friend and kitty being more of bobby’s#it just feels right!!!#god i love thinking about the pre movie school dynamics. they’re v interesting to me!!#i don’t think john had many friends outside of bobby. like... it really might have just been jubilee because she’s as stubborn as he is#and refused to be pushed away no matter how much john tried to scare her off with his asshole persona.#like if bobby is his best friend then jubilee is his closest just by the nature of their personalities#as much as john loves bobby (which is part of the problem) they end up butting heads more often than not.#there are things he can’t talk to bobby about. things bobby doesn’t and couldn’t understand just because of the sheltered life he had.#but jubilee does#and even though he’d make jabs about her 'finding another pet project to fix' she has become one of the more important people in his life.#she’s the one person he actually feels bad about leaving behind once he leaves.#but yeah!!!!!!#these tags have gotten too long and i probably should have just put my ramblings in a normal post but oh well#even tho i don’t write with any jubilees (yet?) i wouldn’t expect them to adhere to any of this anyway!#this is all just personal headcanon and mostly serves to round out my john’s life prior to what we saw on screen#but if any jubilees are reading this (👀) i’d be more than happy to plot or discuss any different ideas you may have!
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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Racist white ppl who don’t realize they’re racist getting mad about gojo is so funny
#y’all do the same shit#making them hot cheeto girl edits using AAVE USHER!!#helloooooo call in house etc.#but also I’ve been saying this for awhile#where ppl don’t want complicated characters or interesting arcs bc then they have to think about themselves#I’m not just yapping y’all u can look back#this is the second time feeling so vindicated#bc when it happened with Sokka and everyone was confused I literally said this is a product of this mindset#like grand scheme the reason they removed that from Sokka is that y’all can’t stomach ur faves having biases even when they improve#look at how y’all are reacting to gojo#I may tell a joke but I will never tell a WHAT#well no I lie a lot sorry#anyways point is y’all running to say gojo isn’t racist even tho the point of the scene is him unlearning that bias#and then turning around and saying you want complex characters#like it’s so telling when the only flaws u give ur characters is insecurity and maybe assholeish tendencies that don’t actually mean a lot#like y’all want these ppl to be you till they’re actually you#ugh#anyways y’all are so lucky I resisted adding my hate for another character for this#you ALRDY know who#just know he’s in here too#oh obvious obligatory duh ppl didn’t write sokka or gojo bc of eachother I’m talking about behavioral trends across media consumption dont#piss me off like with the way y’all act I wouldn’t be surprised#I’m not saying they’re related Like linearly or whatever I’m saying this shit isn’t coming out of nowhere it’s YOU!
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kairi for the bingo!!!!
not to be overdramatic but I will personally find nomura and bonk him with 100 hammers 100 times if she gets sidelined AGAIN in KH4. also people should stop ignoring her existence :(
#she could be so cool. she is so cool to me#I feel like you can really read into her but if you don’t care about her then. she seems pretty bland. hhhggh#she’s a very conflicted character (partly because of misogynistic writing but like. I can work with that)#she wants to be stronger. she wants to go after her friends. she wants to fight next to them in battle.#she wants to save them. she loves them.#but she also feels so so trapped. she can’t believe in herself even though it’s all she wants. you know#anyways.#can we talk about the ven and kairi parallels. please#actually I’ll make a separate post for that#maybe a gifset#asks#OH and her design is soooo cool it never misses imo
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“Cant sleep, I’ll read something to relax and make myself sleepy” worst mistake of my life
#I was so tense for like half the chapter and I can’t untense because it’s ongoing and that was the last update 😭#anyway I already made jokes about stealing custody of this character from his shitty controlling abusive mom but this fic?? the things that#happened to him??#listen if my kid was put through what he was put through—not even the main plot but this chapter—I might kill the person who did it#I would definitely cause a scene. yelling shouting maybe ripping her hair out because that’s vile.#but THIS BITCH#THIS BITCH.#OH I AM SO ANGRY#JUST IGNORES HIS DISTRESS. WAS WATCHING THE WHOLE THING AND DIDNT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.#(the author writes really well because this is the final push he needs to realize that his mother doesn’t actually love him.)#(hopefully when he helps his friend escape he will go with him too.)
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Gosh, Im being such a lazy ass today, with finals just around the corner and an off day to get stuff done and instead I just wanna play Skyrim ffs...
#personal#tbf Im feeling kinda miserable with the allergies#and trying to ward off depressive spiral and mood swings#Im hoping if I do some gaming now then I can stock up on the good feels#and then do Something after dinner when the anxiety starts nipping at my heels#like maybe finish that one paper I need to send in before the month ends#so I have it out of the way#it doesn’t even need to be super good or whatever#Im convinced she barely checks them before giving grades#everyone always gets good ones no matter how much effort they've put in#but I Can’t not make it look at least Somewhat like a proper paper so yeag#still only two pages left for the required amount so#just need to get it out of the way#maybe make another bibliography descp for another class#I have two left to do for rhe five required#they do take some time but at least now I know how to do them#at first it was like black magic I swear#but yeah anywa6#gonna boot up Skyrim and try to move my romance with Kaidan#or errr friendship for now#but I have to say#as much as Im Not fond of some of his added EE lines#the early flirt and all the og lines Im hearing now are *chefs kiss*#I love this guy#and Im unironically writing a fanfic in my head that may or may not get actually written in some form#Im having the itch to write for the first time in like over half a year#Im Craving it here at this point#while what I Should be writing is my thesis :')#oh well... the uni life continues lmao#I might go start the companions or thieves guild missions today
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I need someone in my irl life who is obsessed with storytelling/the craft of writing. I can’t stand ranting to someone about the beautiful cinematic parallels between two characters when I watch a movie or the tragedy in some juxtaposition in a book and getting blank stares
#‘what do you do for fun’#‘oh I just listen to video essays deconstructing byronic heroes and pyrrhic victories’#KILL ME NOW#I can’t wait for college maybe those people will actually be fun#writing#author#storytelling#storytelling devices#writing video essays#literature#lyn rambles
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actually had to forcibly separate myself from my grading because i was tempted to call a student an idiot on their test. not my proudest moment as a teacher
#and this!!! is why you should take breaks!!!!#because if you have to make the same corrections over and over#you lose your mind a little#and then when an actually terribly answer comes along#you just lose your shit#it’s also the fact that i had not one but two (2) TWO students write the same stupid answer#like maybe this is all my fault for not being a better teacher but oh my gosh#how are you incapable of explaining what the rosetta stone is#we talked about it in class there was homework about it AND we watched a video about it#and you can’t even tell me that it at least has something to do with language#JESUS FUCKING CHRIST#2 students out of 59 isn’t terrible BUT OH MY FUCKING G-D
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‘the most crucial skill that a good drinksmith needs is listening… drinksmithing is all about having conversations with your guests’
tea house owner!reader energy for real
#my mind shot straight there when siobhan said this in the hsr event#hey guys#what if i just steal the concept of the event and write a continuation?#the reader does spy on people and accept bribes for jobs blah blah blah#but they also offer free therapy over tea!#(but only if they like the person if course) (everyone else is getting eavesdropped on)#…i started writing this as a joke but hey it could be fun#if i ever write a continuation of that fic i might do something like that#high cloud quintet members coming for therapy after baiheng dies#reader helping couples talk through problems in their relationship calmly#i’m a sucker for characters who are very elusive and sneaky and cold but when it comes to it have a heart of gold#‘yes i will expose your enemy’s business blah blah but hang on let me help this lost child find their parents first’#‘oh you’re not being patient? you think your rivalry is more important than this child? actually you can keep the money and leave thank you#[turning to child] ‘now tell me where you last saw your parents’#and with their connections from the various dealings they’ve had around the xianzhou they’d be really good at dealing with these situations#and with regards to the jing yuan aspect of things i firmly believe he needs somebody with kindness and warmth in them to fall for them#reader can’t all be bribery and dodgy deals#imagining him coming to the shop one day to get some information they’ve gathered or whatever#and they’re like ‘shush not now i’m hearing this girl vent about her shit partner’#or doing something nice#and he falls even harder#sorry i have gone on an absolute tangent here#i don’t know what demon possessed me#maybe i will write a part two who knows#that reader would certainly be a fun one to flesh out#r’s random thoughts
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I NEED Zelda lore with good historical allegories PLEASE hire me Nintendo I would make so many good metaphorsssss
#I’ve had this fic idea in my head for literally months#since like December#the sheikah and the yiga and demise and hylia have no relevance to anyyyyy history guys haha#I mean. two large powers that have been involved in a cycle of hatred using their power to induce a proxy war to further their power?#while simultaneously harming said group by ripping it apart and then. with so much time passing the idea of reunification fading further.#until the people of that group learn to hate the other and to rely upon the powers that put them there?#huh Nintendo wonder what that could be about.#but Nintendo is a Japanese company and if you talk about that war then you gotta get into imperialism and. well…#and this is not even getting into THE GERUDO#I LOVE what the Gerudo could be SO MUCH. OH MY GOD. THE POTENTIAL.#but no. if Nintendo actually showed off cool Arab culture and stopped oversexualizing brown women people might think they’re not racist 🙄#and we can’t have that#god I fucking love the concept of the Gerudo it’s so so so sooooo good you have no idea#I don’t have the time or energy required to write this but maybe I’ll come back in like a decade when I’ve got shit figured out and write it#anyways. I’m so normal about the Shiekah and the Gerudo. ha ha ha ha ha so so so normal#guys someone give me like a month where time stops I could write so much about settler colonialism* and the Hylians#(*I think settler colonialism paired with neo-colonialism and imperialism would be more interesting than the usual narrative of extractive#coloniaism. but also take that with a sea of salt cause no narrative surrounding colonization is really. mainstream.)#barebones of this fic idea is half-sheikah Zelda & Gerudo Shadow as foils for each other#w/ Zelda having the experience of like. 2nd gen E Asian immigrant assimilation & loss of cultural heritage while being raised in a white#society— with scraps of her textbooks and life showcasing the retelling of the colonization of the Gerudo. meanwhile Shadow is V aware of#his culture & history because Ganon’s main goal is to take control of the Hylian empire to make them pay for their past crimes#which manifests in Ganondorf being an abusive father who torments his own son because he believes it will make him strong enough to fight#against the Hylians. however surprise surprise abuse actually drives Shadow further away and he seeks refuge in Zelda & brings her books#on sheikah culture as a way to connect to her— through their shared ties to the Yiga…#and I have more but I think I’m gonna hit the tag limit and I’m rambling but like. SO MANY IDEAS#it works better visually I think though. so there’s that too. plus as aforementioned I do not have any of the things I need to write this#and it’s really important to me that it’s written well. so. that too. if I was gonna do this it would take forever with extra research &shit
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Why did I get paranoid about how no one has checked the work I submitted yet. It’s literally Sunday
#i mean i signed up for this last night in like the middle of the night#but i guess they either automate the sign up procedure or they have saturday office hours#it is based in the usa so if they work saturday afternoons they will have gotten my stupid application at a regular time#oh it’s freelance work. it’s basically just writing and proofreading#i just want to get approved so i can actually do the thing and then i can make at least a little money and not completely lose my mind#as i continue searching for a job. and also! when i get asked about the gap in my resume i can be like ‘yeah so i was actually freelancing’#it will also make the job search a bit less urgent and calm me down a bit if i have an income stream in the meantime. i think#like i won’t have to apply to stuff i genuinely can’t do just because i need a job (like factories or care work. neither of which i should#probably really be doing on account of the dodgy knee)#but yeah. i was sooooo paranoid but literally… i did like 16 different example tasks for them. it took me well over an hour so it’ll#probably take a lot of time for them to mark it#i just hope they don’t reject it. that would be embarrassing as fuck. ma in english; i’m qualified to teach esl AND high school english…….#if i fail at proofreading i will simply just cry#the thing i feel like could screw me is i didn’t really understand the guidelines on maybe the first task or two because i can’t read#apparently. also i use british spellings and it’s an american company. i also didn’t realise grammarly was there and ‘helping’ me for a hot#minute. i was like ‘what are those squiggly lines for’#look if they don’t want to keep me i’ll just keep scouring the subreddits and find something similar. it’s fine. it’s all good#this would just be perfect for me because i love writing and i love correcting other people’s mistakes lol#personal
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opens this app, feels isolated, closes it
#leah.txt#i’m going to try scroll for a bit and reblog things but idk being on here is bad lately. i’m very grateful for replies on last post ily guys#a lot but yeah idk i think it’s just i’ve noticed certain people’s behaviour towards me has seemed to change and that makes me paranoid#i guess? or just that i don’t belong again? idk things are weird for me these past two months and having SIX people fuck with me is#ridiculous. actually ridiculous. and unprovoked too is so… ben affleck smoking.jpg#not sure what i’ve done but oh well <3 had a feeling me taking a break would maybe cause some moots on here to just like idk distance from#me but what can you do. cant please everyone. just wanna make friends and consider my moots as such but guess others don’t lmao#edit: said i was gonna scroll but i’m going to bed :) maybe that will fix me :)#panic attack today was bad so idk need a new day. i’ll try write but i’ve been saying that everyday for the past two months and i just can’t#do words rn
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i somehow squeezed 2 whole riki drabbles out last night sooo yay to overcoming my lil writing slump !!
#celebrate even the small things :’>#also#a little peak into my writing process ✨#let’s hope i don’t bite you T-T#*BORE I MEANT BORE HELP ME DJDNDJ#oh but hey spoiler perhaps of one of the riki drabbles????? 🫣🫣😏#🤫🤫🤫🤫#when i’m on a roll i could keep going and going and going#but when i’m not in that mood (which is incredibly difficult to get into btw) i can’t come up w anything T-T#i go to my empty doc and leave 10 minutes later with a total of still zero (0) words in that doc :D#repeat this for another maybe five times#and then on the sixth i get a sudden spark of inspiration and then i’m in the zone and on a roll#so i could’ve kept going last night..#but by the time i was in that mode it was already almost 2 am T-T#and i finished writing my second drabble by 3 am T-T#it’s always reaching the ungodly hours of the night when i have the most inspiration ✨#wHY#LITERALLY WHY#so yeah my process isn’t as glorious or as easy as it may seem but when i’m in the zone it’s actually a lot of fun 😭#it’s just hard to get there a lot of the time is all 😭😭#pls tell me some of you guys can relate and i’m not the only one 😭#anyway#look forward to the new riki drabbles coming soon :D#it was gonna be a jake and then jungwon drabble but i got stuck and only then had inspo for riki so here you guys go djsjdj#i’ll upload the first one tomorrow !!#em speaks
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.
#dude I can’t take it I have like 6 drafts of me going fucking insane over kieran I actually cannot handle this many emotions#HES WAYYY FUCKING COOL#HES EVERYTHING TO MEEEEE UUURHHGHGHGHGFHH BANGING FIST ON THR GROUND#seeing kieran slander physically hurts me like shut UPPPPPP YOU DONT GET IT YOU DONT GET IT ARRFHHGHGHFHHGHJGH#sorry. normal. normal.#idk how I even fucking survived playing through the game like every sentence out of his mouth or anything#any dialogue that was marginally related to him gave me the urge to throw my switch across the room#I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t take it#EVERYT(ING ABOUT HIM. HES SO.#like….. he’s so deeply relatable to me… it’s rare to me to find a character that resonates with me this much#especially on this aspect like ughhhhh fuck you. fuck you!! shut up!!!! DONT CALL ME OUTTTTTT#watching kieran is like watching myself from third person and oh. oh man. you were fucking WEIRD. get a GRIP?#‘were’ don’t kid yourself you still ARE. oh my god.#its like getting blasted straight in my face with my own insecurities like shut up. stop it.#you’re. you’re ruining my perfectly crafted facade. I haven’t flaunted this insecurity enough to be in control of it yet can u. stop.#BUT HE GIVES ME SO MUCH HOPE THO. LIKE#I can do it too-! maybe there’s hope for me yet#uuuughhghhhhhh#stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger#head in hands#I’ve been slacking….. shaking head I gotta keep up the momentum#just do it!!!!#it’s been a month+ since… I need to do it. I need to change. you’ve been getting behind… you can still do it…!#write a list…? probably have to… even I’m starting to forget#1) be honest. don’t. don’t change yourself to be ‘palatable’. you’re ryu. your friends will love you no matter what you do because im me#don’t hide away your true self it’s ok!!!!! you can say what’s on your mind you can say your opinions#your preferences… don’t lie….#they won’t hate you they won’t take it personally they want to know about ‘you’ after all… ryu#2) just talk to your friends…. there’s nothing to hesitate about. they understand even if you’re low energy they understand if you’re busy#reached the tag limit fuck
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