#still only two pages left for the required amount so

[raksh-writes]

Gosh, Im being such a lazy ass today, with finals just around the corner and an off day to get stuff done and instead I just wanna play Skyrim ffs...

[quotidian-oblivion]

How I picture Leon finds out that Merlin has magic:

Merlin was tired.

Not because of the abundance of chores and the fatigue that came from running around after yet another assassin, but because he hadn't used his magic at all for the past month. Yes, even with the presence of the assassin. Gwaine had fortunately been there to knock the guy out and throw him in the dungeons, catching him red-handed.

He had been trying to stay as cautious as possible, which was why he hadn't used magic in such a long time.

But the fact was - Merlin was born with magic. It was as natural as breathing to him. So when he didn't use magic for an extended period of time, he would get tired.

He needed to use magic. Just a small bit.

He would do it in the safety of his room, but he was currently carrying Arthur's armor to his chambers from the training field and it was heavy and he was so so tired and- well, it would only be a small spell.

He put the armor down, checked that no one was around, then held up a palm. His eyes flashed gold and a small fire appeared on top of it.

Just because he had missed his magic, he flashed his eyes gold and made the flame morph into a butterfly. He smiled as it slowly flapped its wings, staying on Merlin's palm.

Then Merlin heard a gasp and he snapped his head to the newcomer.

The thing about knights was that they were trained to be as quiet as possible even in armor. It was required for certain missions as well as hunting. But armor was impossible to be quiet, so Merlin, having spent a significant amount of time with them, had trained himself to automatically hear when they were approaching. And since they were always in their armor anyway, even sleeping in it sometimes, he had relied on that to alert him of anyone crossing the hallway.

After all, anyone else - servants and nobles alike - wouldn't bother quieting their footsteps while walking.

If they did, it would be because of malicious intent so it wouldn't matter if they saw Merlin or not.

But occasionally - very very occassionally - knights walked around without their armor.

That, combined with their light footsteps and silent movements, had caught Merlin unaware.

So when he snapped his head over to look at Leon staring with wide eyes at the butterfly made of flame in his hand, Merlin was surprised. More than that, he was afraid.

The two of them froze, with Leon's gaze on the fire butterfly and Merlin's on Leon, standing rigidly like deers caught in the wild.

Then Leon raised his eyes from the butterfly to Merlin, then back to the butterfly, then back to Merlin again-

Before he spun on his heel and walked the other way whistling jovially like he hadn't seen anything.

Merlin was still frozen like a deer. He didn't move until several minutes later when he did hear armor clinking against each other. That was when he got rid of the butterfly and hefted the armor up, walking back to his room, leaving Arthur's armor in favor of panicking.

~

When Merlin met Leon in the armory that evening, he tried to approach him. Leon, recognizing what Merlin was trying to do, let him, moving into a secluded changing room far from the armory with the other knights and squires and pages.

Leon nodded at Merlin in greeting when Merlin closed the door.

"Leon," Merlin started. "What you saw-"

"That you were shirking Arthur's chores? No worries. I didn't give you away before, I won't do so now."

Merlin blinked. "What?"

Leon sighed. "Look, Merlin. I don't get paid enough, even as a knight. Not with all those missions and calamities that keep getting Arthur into trouble. So I refuse to deal with anything above my paygrade. Even you avoiding chores."

Merlin blinked again.

Leon clapped a hand on his shoulder, and with a smile, left the room.

Merlin looked after the knight, wondering for the first time, exactly how many times the knight had committed or aided or turned a blind eye against treason for him to be this casual about it.

[dilfartist]

Yandere Librarian Gale Dekarios

TW: Blackmail, stalking, dark themes, yandere themes, mentions of objectification, Gale is kind of a creep, Gale has a small shrine of you, heavy topics, possessiveness.

Reader description; Female/GN

Not proofread/proofread

After a while, life as a professor had begun to bore Gale. Magic is a passion of his and will never not be, but Gale yearned for more. As much as Gale enjoyed the little flashbacks of his childhood from how many accidental fires and ruined rooms at the university occurred; they were beginning to become too much. Gale found solace in silence. Back then, when Gale locked himself in his tower with every second of his life near the end, he enjoyed the stillness of his room, book in hand. So when the local library in Waterdeep required a new librarian on the weekends, Gale immediately decided to fill the role.

Gale had worked there for at least three months to test the waters and see how he felt about the job and his schedule. In that short period, he felt confident and decided to keep his job as a librarian.

Gale memorized each customer's face. Riley, the drow with white hair and pink tips at the ends, enjoyed books on nature, and her cat recently had kittens. Aoth, a human fighter part of the flaming fist, only checked out books on the history of Baldur's Gate training since he was still being trained and wanted to do his job right. Then there was Emily, the dwarf who only had time to visit the library on Tuesdays and didn’t stick around to chat with Gale. Then there was you. You were new around here, not only in the library but Waterdeep in general. Gale had seen you searching the shelves a few times but never had the pleasure of speaking with you. You didn't check out anything anyway. You merely looked through the books and then took your leave.

On one particular day, you decide to check out a book. You sauntered over to the main desk where Gale organized the recently returned books. Gale noticed you and smiled. You greeted each other then Gale took the novel you wanted to check out.

“Ah, I’ve read this a couple of times myself. Never gets old.”

You nod in agreement with a smile. Something about you seemed off. You looked on edge, your eyes avoiding Gales and you being awkward. You left after Gale stamped the first page of your book, informing you that it would need to be returned in two weeks.

You started taking home books more often after the encounter, becoming less awkward with the wizard with each interaction. Until one visit, you gained the courage to ask, “You’re Gale Dekarios, aren’t you?” Gale smiles and nods, “I suppose you’ve heard the tale of how I saved Baulder’s gate or my, uh, former condition.” You nod, “I’ve heard many stories of your amazing abilities or just stories of you in general.” Saying Gale was flattered was a bit of an understatement. From there on you and Gale started to chat. The conversation lasted so long that you had to step to the side for irritated customers to check their books out.

You became a favorite customer of Gale’s, possibly the number one. You came by the library more often, always starting a conversation with Gale that would last a bit too long. Not that Gale minded. Gale enjoyed your presence. Most customers would indulge in small talk for a little while and then awkwardly step away after too long, but you stayed and made great conversation.

Gale found himself feeling the same feeling he had with Mystra, the sick puppy love that caused him to be at her every command. The same love that nearly caused him to blow himself to pieces to have her favor again. However, there was something different. While, yes, Gale’s thoughts when with Mystra were mostly of her, his thoughts were consumed by you. Gale thought of it a bit strange but passed it off as possibly meeting his missing part.

Gale’s obsession deepened when you began when you became distant. Your visits to the library have begun to decline in the usual amount. Gale grew worried but told himself you were simply busy with life. When you finally visited the library to drop off a novel you’d been reading, Gale asked about your whereabouts. You grinned and told Gale of the new guy you’ve been going out with recently. Gale could swear his heart dropped down to the pit of his stomach. His smile faltered, and his skin drained of all color, leaving him pale. Gale played it off somehow, and you left vowing to visit your favorite friend more often. Gale felt so hurt. Even angry. Of course not at you, he felt angered by the man courting you. Besides you probably were being polite- that’s just how you are! If Gale gained the confidence to finally court you, you’d say yes out of politeness, and after a while, he’d show you why you ought to choose him as your eternal lover.

Though Gale isn’t proud of this, he has stalked you and your...lover- or could you even call the man that?! The man is too touchy for Gale's liking. He hates to suggest anything improper but the man’s eyes don’t linger on your face much, more on your body. Gale isn’t like that. He adores every part of you, body and soul.

Gale has impulses sometimes. He wants desperately to sneak off with a thing of yours. Of course, he is horrified by these thoughts. No gentleman acts this way to a lady. Despite the urge to walk over and grab the hair tie that dropped from your wrist and pocket it for himself, maybe even use it on himself to tie his hair. That hasn't stopped him from sneaking away with a quill that fell from your bag that he uses constantly.

When you and your...”lover” decide to date, Gale is more than upset. Gale puts a plan into action to separate you too. Sends a few letters to you in your lover's handwriting calling you names. However, it isn’t random insults but rather insults he’s heard from your lover himself said behind your back. When you confront him about the letters, your lover is only baffled you know what he had said, so he thinks twice before responding, which only makes him look worse.

If that isn’t enough, Gale has other ways. Gale sends notes to his subordinates with blackmail on him and some dirty lies. The ruined reputation causes your lover stress. The stress develops into a short fuse that later causes many fights between the two of you. In the end, you couldn't handle all of the negativity and decided to break off the relationship.

You return to the library with your head hanging low. You attempt to greet Gale without your sorrows peeking through. However, Gale was very observant. He gently asks what’s worrying you. Gale is so comforting with his presence, words, and all. You explain your situation to him, to which he listens attentively.

“Don’t worry, (Name). There are many men out there waiting to be there for you. Keep looking, sometimes true love is in plain sight.”

[if-whats-new]

What's New In IF? Issue 14 (2024)

By Erika, Marjorie, Axelle, and Noi

Now Available!

Itch.io. - Keep Reading below

Want to learn a neat fun fact? Check out the itch.io version ;)

~ EDITORIAL ~

Back on Track…

After a tumultuous early summer, where we had to restrict the amount of content included in the zine, we are officially back on track! ~ see the brand new editorial we have ~

From this week onward, you will see the return of Highlight on… : our section where we bring some hidden gems of games and sent titles you recommended. If you haven't filled our form yet, we really encourage you to do so!

We love to learn about games, especially what people liked about them, and share them along with all of you!

As we have somehow managed for the past three months (already!), we will continue to do our best to report on IF news, and hope help you all discover new IF sights along the way!

Thank you all for the kind messages, and all the support you have given us so far.

It really means a lot to us that you put your trust in this silly project!

ERIKA, MARJORIE, AXELLE, AND NOI

~ ANNOUNCEMENT ~

BECAUSE WE ARE MAKING SOME CHANGES…

If you follow us on here, you may have seen recent announcements about changes happening with the zine. For a while now, we have been wanting to include more original content, like short essays, longer-form reviews, and interviews (see the final page wink wink).

As such, we will be opening our email to anyone who would like to participate in this new endeavors. If you have a neat idea for a one-page essay, want to deep-dive into a game and review it, or have questions for IF person of note, contact us!

What's New in IF? is expanding! Be part of the movement! Submit!

~ ADDENDUM ~

BECAUSE WE MADE SOME ERRORS LAST WEEK

The game mentioned as Appt 102 is actually Apt 502. Apologies to @apt502-if

The player description for Heavy Is The Crown should have indicated royalty, not prince. Apologies to @heavyisthecrown-if

~ EVENT SPOTLIGHT : IFCOMP ~

The IF Superbowl

The Interactive Fiction Competition (or IFComp) is one of the major yearly IF events, since 1995. It may be even the longest still-recurring yearly game making event!

Started by Kevin Wilson in the IF Usenet Forum rec.arts.int-fiction, submitted games were limited to 2h playtime before being judged and ranked by players.

Throughout the years, the IFComp evolved, seeing a couple dozens of parser entries to a wide and diverse range of IF forms. Still, after ballooning during Covid, with recurring 70+ entries, the event continues to be a key avenue for IF creation.

Participating in the IFComp requires signing up ahead of time, by submitting an intent before July 31st. Completed games must be uploaded before August 28th.

Follows a month and a half voting period, where both players and authors can rate entries (a minimum of 5). If participants rank high enough, they are eligible for a piece of the Colossal Fund pie and prizes!

The IFComp committee is looking for prizes, both physical and digital, as well as donations to the CF!

~ ENDED ~

Almost 200 entries were submitted to the O2A2 Jam! If you are looking for some tiny Visual Novels, check them out!

Only a couple of visual novels were fixed and submitted for Fix the Worst Visual Novels (Jam). Come cheer on the hardworking fixers!

~ ONGOING (VOTING) ~

The 17 entries of the ParserComp are ready to be played and judged! Until the end of July, you can cast your votes!

~ ONGOING (SUBMITTING) ~

Only this weekend left to submit something to the Anti-Romance Jam!

Do you understand or write Ukrainian? Until the end of the year, the Ukrainian IF Festival is happening on itch.io! If Visual Novels are more your style, this jam ends in just a week!

Looking to check out a new IF program? The Decker Fantasy Camp is in full swing! A bit more than two weeks to mess around with the program and create something with Decker!

Did you submit an intent to the IntroComp? The deadline to submit your prototype is coming up! Don't forget, on July 31st!

For the francophones, the French IF community is organizing a summer-long camp to create parsers. Join the Confiture de Parser if you're interested!

Until the end of July, a chill IF (text-only) game jam is happening on itch, from the Interactive Fiction Club.

Ending in about a month, is the summer-long unranked SuNoFes Jam (Summer Novel Festival), where you can only submit one IF/VN game!

If it is mechanical restrictions you are looking for, then the Single Choice Jam might be for you. Until mid-August, you can only have one choice! @neointeractives

~ OTHER ~

Over on the IntFiction Forum, the Review-a-thon is continuing its initiative to get more reviews for games. Check out this post by Tabitha if you want to participate! This is also a sponsored event, aiming to raise funds for one of the Forum members.

The Interactive Fiction Showcase is still running! If you have completed an IF piece this year, consider submitting it! It is happening only on itch!

~ NEW RELEASE ~

Ocean Red (Twine) is a dark surreal game with a nautical setting and body horror. @paletteheart

Fluid Worlds (Custom) is an experimental piece about the nature of the world and humanity's need to change it.

Help! I Think I'm In Love With My Best Friend! (Twine) is a cozy little game about coming out and accepting yourself. @txt-frog

These Thieving Hearts (CScript) is the new Heart's Choice release. @heartschoicegames

La Noche del Ensayo (Inform) is a mystery text- adventure, where you must ensure a murder doesn't take place.

Biegnij/Run (TyranoBuilder) is a short visual novel about connections and relations.

time is but the drawing of a sword (Twine) is a small pixel-art illustrated visual novel about alienation and the passage of time.

marquis cut (Bitsy) is a short kinetic piece about trauma. @thesophiades

The Mother Deer (Twine) is short interactive fiction game based on traditional folk tales from Kyrgyzstan.

consumption (Twine) is a short game about contemplations before death.

SUNDOWN (Twine) is a tiny sci-fi adventure where you play as a star with a very important quest.

As always, don't forget to check out the submitted entries to the events mentioned in the previous pages. They deserve some love too!

~ NEW RELEASE (WIP) ~

Crystals of Aequarin (Twine) is a modern fantasy project set around a murder mystery. @crystalsofaequarin

Lies & Legalities (CScript) is a legal fiction project, where you incarnate a lawyer who can always tell who is lying.

Blue Shades (CScript) is a superhero-focused project, in which you play an ex-super tuned rogue and looking for revenge.

Operation: Wrath (CScript) is a sci-fi alternative universe project, where you lead an intelligence team investigating misuse of powers.

CyberHaven (CScript) is a cyberpunk-inspired project where you embody a detective.

The King’s Veins (CScript) is low fantasy project set in post-apocalyptic medieval era.

~ GAMES UPDATES ~

Confluence (Ren’Py) is now available in both English and Japanese. @forsythiaproductions

Such Happy Campers (CScript) added Chapter 5 to the demo and fixes. @girlfromthecrypt

Shattered Eagles (CScript) updated the demo by adding Chapter 4. @shattered-eagle

Ripples of Blood (CScript) includes extra content in the demo. @livdboba

Crown of Exile (Twine) added part of Chapter 10 to the Patreon demo. @ramonag-if

One Knight Stand (CScript) updated the Patreon demo to include Chapter 2-3. The demo is also now available on itch.io. @oneknightstand-if

The Harbinger (Twine) completed its move to Twine, with the Episode 2 update. @ourlittleaphrodite

Dawn of Heroes (CScript)'s demo now includes Chapter 25.

Echoes of the Kingdom (CScript) added some extra scenes to the demo.

The Game of War (CScript) has updated the demo with extra content.

Dance of the Night (CScript) added 10k more words to the demo.

~ OTHER ~

For Twine authors, another update is on its way, as SugarCube has upgraded to 2.37! For more info, check out this post!

Released every two weeks, the Amare Fortnightly Bulletin is once again available! Check it out here! @amaregames

The author of Ordinor Ultor (Twine) was recently interviewed about their game. @ordinorultor-if

Over on the IntFiction Forum, user mathbrush completed the History of the IFComp, where he looks back on past winners, influential games and authors, and continued his exploration of XYZZY winners: Superluminal Vagrant Twin, The Wizard Sniffer, and Bogeyman.

~

As always, we apologize in advance for missing any update or release from the past week. We are only volunteers using their limited free time to find as much as we can - but sometimes things pass through the cracks.

If you think something should have been included in this week's zine but did not appear, please shoot us a message! We'll do our best to add it next week! And if you know oncoming news, add it here!

~ HIGHLIGHT ON... ~

A couple of games that we thought were cool. an IF Comp highlight lol (we swear it wasn't planned!)

Turandot by Victor Gijsbers (CScript - IFDB)

An erotic parodic retelling of Puccini's opera with twists and turns, made possible thanks to excellent writing. Though a bit crass a times, it is very fun to play. One of the best non-commercial CScript game out there! recommended by Marjorie [Team]

Emily is Away by Kyle Seeley (Unity - itch.io - VNDB - IFDB)

Withdrawn from the IFComp in 2015, the game is a classic in communication sims, nostalgic of now-unused AIM chats. Spanning 5 years in college, you get to choose how your relationship with Emily evolves. recommended by Erika [Team]

According to Cain by Jim Nelson (TADS2 - itch.io - IFDB)

The critically acclaimed IF Comp entry of 2022, about the tale of Abel an Cain, and the first ever murder that changed everything. It has great puzzles and impeccable writing. An instant parser classic! Read the interview - Walkthrough

recommended by Axelle [Team]

Your favourite game here?

Do you have a favourite game that deserve some highlighting? A old or recent game that wowed you so much you spam it to everyone? Tell us about it! And it might appear here!

~ FROM OUR READERS ~

WE LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL! WETHER IT'S GOOD OR BAD, OR EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN…

Hi What's New IF Team! Thank you so much for all your hard work with the zine! Thanks to all your efforts, I've been able to put in my favorites so many cool projects! You're doing such a good job! - Kyle

Um… I just wanted to congratulate Axelle on their exams, and thank them for introducing me to parser games. It's like a whole new world of fun and puzzle opened up! - anonymous

I am so so glad you guys are still doing the zine and keeping it all up no matter what! I've been reading What's New in IF religiously every single week since you guys launched and I couldn't imagine not spending a Saturday without it! - clawiffromme

Excited to see the zine's new direction! This project has in my eyes, a huge potential, and I'm really looking forward to see what you do with it… - InteractiveIntens

Can I just give a shout out to the author of Apt 502? Because that update had me ON MY KNEES! So obsessed with this WIP! (also thanks team for introducing me to it!) - anonymous

It's impressive you're still here. I didn't expect the zine to be going on for this long considering what it must take to make it every week. - anonymous

THANK YOU ALL!

Have something to say? Send us an ask on Tumblr entitled: Zine Letter!

~ FINAL THANKS ~

Before we end this issue, we would like to thank:

@chinchinashi, clawiffromme, InteractiveIntens, Kyle, nexthypertext, and a bunch of you anonymous helpers!

Sent news, helpful tips, cool links, filled form, written Sheet line, even emails… all these help us so much to make this Zine possible!

To the wonderful users who sent us cool recommendations, thank you! We will do our best to include them in the next issues!

And as always, huge thanks to all you readers to liked, shared, and commented on last week's issue! What might be tiny actions are huge support and motivators to us! Thank you for cheering us on this journey!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As final parting words, we would like to hint at a major addition a future issue:

IF enthusiast, software builder, and game creator Joey Tanden will be answering all your questions!

Want to know more about their work? How they came into IF? Or their game dev experiences? Send us all your burning questions!

And see you again next week!

ERIKA, MARJORIE, AXELLE, AND NOI

WHAT'S NEW IN IF? 2024-ISSUE 14

[xoxonxo]

can anyone let me know if they’d actually read this?? i just started to write and i didn’t want to actually get into this entire fic if no one liked it. i only put a snippet 😭 pls be honest and constructive criticism is appreciated!

i also have a version that only uses you instead of Y/N.

Sebastian Sallow x Female Reader

AU- MC is from the Americas, but Hogwarts was the only wizarding school to admit her.

He Says I’m So American! (oh god i’m gonna marry him..)

From the moment Y/N met Sebastian at Hogwarts, he’d make fun of her ‘silly’ accent. He’d playfully critique the way she pronounce her ‘R’s, as well as her ‘T’s and ‘D’s. Or the different ways she’d stress her vowels and sentences, completely different from how the British did. Y/N found it odd, yet it was something that never failed to make her giggle after a long day of fighting spiders in caves and brewing potions with Weasley.

Y/N’s delicate fingers flipped through the pages of her Charms book, the residue of dust still left on her fingers. Catching up with material after material never seemed to end, and most of the time her life seemed to be composed of things outside of the Hogwarts grounds. Tasks seemed to pour at Hogwarts, even if they were as simple as growing some Fluxweed. She breathed out heavily, the strands of hair framing her face blowing upwards in her frustration. Footsteps trudged their way towards her, the wooden floorboard creaking less the closer they approached.

“Imelda, have you done the charms work? I-“, you turned around to face someone who was definitively not Imelda. It was Sebastian.

“How many times have I told you to not come in the girl dormitories without telling me first!” Y/N’s lips pursed, and her foot tapped, matching with the steady rhythm of the clock in the dorm. Sebastian grinned from ear to ear.

“Fine! I’ll just come in with an Invisibility Potion next time.” She chucked her book at him, flustered from his comment. She turned her back towards him, mumbling swears under her own breath, awfully annoyed with his current unwanted presence.

“Okay! Okay! I’ll leave. But hurry down to the Quidditch Field, we want to play a quick game and Imelda is too busy training for her next race.” Y/N tilted her head to the right, glancing over at Sebastian, and tugged at her bottom lip. Her eyes caught the leather book that had just been tossed on the floor, her head simply imagining how frustrated Professor Weasley would be when she found out that she failed to complete another assignment in the required amount of time given by her other professors. Her eyes darted back to Sebastian, defeated, she decided to take in a deep breath and complied.

“Fine. But you owe me two Butterbeers and the answers to these ridiculous questions.”

She pointed at the charms book, “And you must shake your hand on it!” Sebastian complied, raising out his hand, grasping Y/N’s and hastily moving it up and down.

“You Americans and your ridiculous agreements. I’ll never get used to it.”

if you guys do like it, i’ll post it on ao3

[snapeaddict]

Snapetober Day 18 - Gaze

April, 1998

From where he was, higher up on the wall, Albus gazed down as his Potions Master - the new headmaster - sat behind the desk. He could only see his left profile, and even that, after a second or two, was hidden from him as well: a curtain of back hair blocked his view.

He could not feel terribly deeply, or at least, he knew his feelings had to be much less complex, much smoother than those of his actual self. But this added something to them, too. A layer of emotional rawness he had never experienced in life. 

He knew he had loved the boy, so he loved him, still, and his silence was excruciating. 

"Any news, Severus?", he asked, clearing his voice. "That is, outside of Hogwarts. I find myself longing for newspapers these days."

The younger man did not raise his head, and dipped his quill into the inkwell in front of him. 

"Even the Daily Prophet? Surely you remember, Dumbledore, the amount of nonsense that is printed on these pages daily", Severus replied indifferently. 

"Even the Daily Prophet. Life as a portrait is rather dull."

Severus' hand stopped mid-sentence.

"I am sorry to hear that. As you are aware, I did not wish for it to happen either."

"Severus..."

"I do not require idle conversation to pass the time, Albus. I have seen no news of importance as of late."

Raw emotions.

"You are being unfair", the portrait blurted out. "I made you do it - but have you thought about what this cost me?"

The Slytherin dropped his quill and his head finally jerked upward, turning towards the portrait. His usual mask of indifference was gone, and he looked utterly shocked: he could not master the strength to reply immediately. 

Albus, too, was shocked. The vague knowledge that such behaviour was unlike himself creeped over him, heavy with meaning. Who was he?

"I have thought about it, Albus", Severus replied after a while, coldly. His voice was a little lower than usual. "I have thought about it over and over again - and I wish you had too, before touching that damn ring."

There was a bizarre contrast between the rigidity of his voice and his face, distorted by an ugly mixture of pain, grief and anger.

"You are in no position to reproach me so, Severus", the portrait replied austerely, rising from his painted chair. "Have you not done things yourself without thinking of the consequences?"

He saw Severus' hand twitch. He had gone too far - he instantly regretted it, but did not find in him the will to apologise or even utter another word. He expected the younger man to explode or storm out. But to his surprise, he did neither, and Albus found himself dreading what would come next.

Severus simply reached out for the pile of newspapers to his left. He picked one specifically: the Daily Prophet. He turned each of its pages with care until he seemed to have found what he was looking for, his hands, albeit almost imperceptibly, trembling with anger.

"I was wrong, Albus", he said. His voice was terrible, low and icy cold. "There is one article you might want to be made aware of - it concerns Gellert Grindelwald. He was found dead in his cell yesterday."

There was heavy silence, and, tangible for all present, a bleak sense of no return. 

"It cannot be", the former headmaster managed, his voice faint. "It must be a mistake."

"It is not. There is a picture - his face is most distinctive. You remember the shape and colour of Gellert Grindelwald's eyes, I am sure?"

[melodiousmonsters]

Dandidoo's pages are done, but firstly before I give information on that I need to explain elemental alignment.

 A monster is composed of elements that determine its species, but the exact proportions of the elements varies between monsters. The amounts of the elements will change minute things about their appearance depending on how much of it there is. Each element has certain traits they can give to monsters, most of which help with survival in the environment that element is associated with. For example, the air element will give a monster long, thick eyelashes to keep the sand from its deserts out of the monster's eyes. But there's a lot more that I may mention later.

An element that the monster doesn't even have can influence their appearance still, trace amounts of other elements will be absorbed by eggs in the process of them incubating and absorbing elements from the world around them to grow the monster inside. The most common element for monsters to get from this method is shadow as all it requires is the egg to be in the dark, just some trivia for you. Anyway on to the Dandidoos.

"Dandidoo (Avae tarheacum) average around 6ft tall. They are completely wingless and only have back legs. Their most distinctive feature are its magnificent puffs of sensory stalks on its head and tail. Unlike most avian sonsters, Dandidoo feathers can be very plant-like depending on their elemental alignment. Their stalks are always plant like, and they all have xylem instead of blood, and they have normal muscles and not the hydraulic ones of plant monsters which is why they are in the avian family. Plant aligned Dandidoo’s down feathers are more like veiny roots and their feathers are more like leaves.

Their puffs serve two main purposes, one is to sense traits of its environment, and the other is for temperature regulation. The stalks are full of nerves that can sense humidity, temperature, vibrations in the air, atmospheric pressure, and air contents. They also have xylial networks in the stalks that regularly get filled to cool their xylem if needed. There’s also the third and not really important use of “status” because for some reason Dandidoos are obsessed with their appearance and social groups of solely or near solely Dandidoos will judge each other's social rank by how glamorous their puffs are. Personally I find this very unfair, but I guess Dandidoos do what the Dandi-do.

They molt their feathers and stalks every 6 months and it’s the most vulnerable state as all of their sensory stalks fall off at once and a lot of their senses are dampened and they are more susceptible to predation if their environment has predatory critters around. Also they become very self-conscious as they lose their puffs which as mentioned before are very important to them, but that’s a little less important than surviving in my opinion.

Dandidoos are made to run. They have large lungs that take up a majority of their abdominal cavity that allow for optimal oxygen diffusion to their xylem. They also repurposed the hollow bones which are commonly used for oxygen diffusion during flight to help with their running instead. Their legs are powerful and they have large, quick growing claws and barbed scales on the bottoms of their feet for traction while running.

Twin Dandidoos have two heads and come in a red and blue color scheme. Their puffs also serve to connect neurons between the two heads, one represents the left brain and the other represents the right. During molting they tend to have communication issues both internal and external. They are native to earth island and evolved their colors as a form of camouflage.

Horned Dandidoos have horns and also a massive crown of sensory stalks about twice the size of the standard. They are native to the Purple Ice Plains of Cold Island and seemed to have evolved the stalks as a form of producing heat. The stalks are so densely packed that the friction of them warms their xylem instead of allowing the wind to blow through and cool them off. Their puffs cause a lot of drag while running so they evolved to camouflage with their environment to avoid predation."

Also here's some concepts of the purple ice fields mentioned earlier so you can get an idea of what they look like. They take up a small place that's like, on the eastern part of the island (up for change later) and they're purple because they have a dimensional connection to the purple cliffs of the thumpiverse, thus a lot of thumpies live there. There's also a drawing of an early design for a puffi tree that was also mentioned earlier.

"Dandidoos live everywhere and can thrive in any environment. They are opportunistic omnivores that will eat anything that can fit in their mouth. They mainly eat grasses, seeds, fruits, and small critters, occasionally the remains of any larger critters that they may find. Because of this opportunistic diet they don’t put too much effort into finding food as it’s basically always there.

With a large range comes a lot of predators, despite their xylem they have normal flesh minus the blood, so they make good food for carnivores. They use their optimal running abilities to escape predation.

Dandidoos are stylish and somewhat pompous. They care a lot about their appearance and to an extent the appearance of others. They like themselves and their associates to be up to their aesthetic standards. They care a lot about impressing everyone

Dandidoo eggs require warm temperatures to hatch. They are one of the few monsters who are Precocial, their hatchlings come out of the egg ready to run from any danger around them. Instead of their sensory stalks they have petals which are more sensitive to their surroundings than the stalks. These petals require a lot of energy and Dandidoo chicks need to rest a lot. At about 20 (not sure if i mentioned this before but monsters are considered adults at 30 and puberty tends to occur at 20) they lose their petals in exchange for their sensory stalks."

[hb-writes]

The Thick of It

Summary: Charlie Specter is in the midst of an absolutely terrific new fantasy series and she won't let anything get in the way of devouring it...well, with some minor exceptions such as the minimally required amount of sleep to stay functioning and revenge against her cold-handed brother.

Prompt (from anon): "Your hands are cold" with Charlie and Harvey <3

Characters: Harvey Specter & Charlie Specter

Warnings: some allusion to cursing, but nothing really. Pretty in love with this one, actually.

Suits (Lines to Live By) Masterlist

With a little more than two hundred pages left to the third book in her new favorite series, Charlie hadn’t found much reason to stop reading the night before. She was exhausted from a long week at school and she had a paper due on Monday that probably should have taken at least slight precedence, but it was a weekend. Time to let loose. Time for a little self care. 

That’s what she had told Harvey anyway when he returned from his date to find Charlie there on the couch in her robe and three blankets. He had scoffed at her excuse and her excessive blankets—it was a little cold out, the temperatures in the city plummeting a bit prematurely considering it was only October—but he had shifted the thermostat by a few degrees anyhow. Better to do that than to listen to her complain all weekend. 

Because Charlie had made it clear that she had no interest in leaving the house, not with the temperature where it was and the rain that was forecasted, and not considering she was in the grip of those books he had barely seen her without over the last few weeks. 

He’d amassed nothing from the titles. If someone had asked, he’d have told them his sister was reading something called The Royal House of Stone & Fire & Snowfall…or something like that. He didn’t have a clue what it was, but Charlie had told him they were fantasy novels, leaving it at that.

Falling asleep when she did, sprawled on the couch at 4:37 am, with the apartment dim and just one little lamp left on to illuminate the words on the page…well, that had been an accident. Charlie hadn’t meant to fall asleep, especially seeing as she’d made it so far—only two chapters left in the book. 

She wasn’t sure how she had even left things off where she did. She’d always had the distinct feeling that by setting down a book in the thick of it, she was just leaving the characters she had come to love steeped in crisis, leaving them suspended there in whatever terrible bit of plot the author had written them into. And Charlie had left her new favorite characters in something akin to hell since falling asleep nearly two hours before. 

She fell asleep with the sounds of a fictional battle echoing in her mind, but the apartment had been still and silent when she awoke. Still and silent and…empty? Some part of her was disappointed for giving in to her mortal needs not finishing the book already, but another distinct part of her thought maybe falling asleep had been a blessed thing seeing as Harvey was already gone, a note left on the kitchen counter explaining that he’d gone out for a run. A run that he no doubt would have dragged Charlie out on if she was awake when he’d come through. It sounded like a particularly unsavory type of hell to her—running in the freezing cold, gray skies threatening rain and preventing the sun from making any sort of noticeable rise.

Truth be told, Charlie was a little surprised Harvey hadn’t tried to wake her, hadn’t tried to convince her to join, but considering how out of it she felt now, barely functioning as she went about starting the coffee maker, Charlie thought it possible that her brother did try to wake her before giving up and determining her to be a lost cause. 

The coffee maker began brewing and Charlie shuffled back across the room, to the couch and her book, burrowing back beneath the covers and reclaiming the warmth she’d left there. She’d be done with this book within the hour and she was glad that she had the next one beside her on the coffee table…glad she’d thought ahead to get it out of the library before the weekend, but for now…Charlie dove back into battle, rejoining her friends in the thick of it.

“Do I need to get your damned ears checked?” 

Charlie didn’t even remember hearing her brother come in though Harvey’s tone suggested there’d been at least a few other questions preceding that one. Charlie thought she might have even heard a whisper of those questions, but it was hard to tell. If anything, Harvey’s voice had been on the distant periphery of Charlie’s awareness almost like the ghost of an echo or a calling from another world entirely because as far as she could tell, she wasn’t really here. Not in New York. Not in their penthouse. Not on the couch in her pajamas. Certainly not in the same space and time as her brother.

“Huh?” she asked, not bothering to pull her eyes away from the book. She didn’t need her eyes to hear him. Or her focus. And if she did those things, whatever Harvey had to say was going to have to wait because Charlie was busy, and about 97% elsewhere, with only a handful of pages left to go.

She jumped as Harvey’s hand, the one that was indeed located in the very real, very cold world that was New York, clasped down on the exposed skin at the back of her neck. Reconciling very quickly with the concepts of time and space and temperature, Charlie scrambled to push him away, still holding the book open with one hand as she grabbed at his arm.

“Stop it, Harvey. Your hands are cold!” 

Harvey chuckled as Charlie struggled, part of his savoring the warmth because his fingers were, in fact, frozen. “Are they?” he asked, releasing his grip only to settle the back of his chilled hand against her cheek. 

“Yes!” She hissed, lifting the book and using it to smack his arm. “Do it again and I’ll break your fingers.”

Harvey pulled his hand away, but Charlie still hit him again for good measure, finding she rather enjoyed the resounding thump the paperback made upon contact even if the deviation was keeping her from finishing the story.

Harvey raised an eyebrow and Charlie stilled, arm mid-swing. “You hit me with that book again and I’m chucking the goddamned thing off the balcony.”

“I’m almost done with it so whatever,” Charlie lowered her arm, finding her page once again as she settled back into the couch. “Give me three minutes to finish reading and maybe I’ll take a whack at your head next time.” 

She was about to start reading again, but Charlie turned to Harvey instead, the sickly-sweet, smug smile she’d intended on giving him falling from her face as Harvey held up the next book in the series after he snatched it from the coffee table.

“Yeah, and what about this one?” 

Charlie set her current book down, readying herself to stand. “You wouldn’t dare. Give it back or—” Harvey shrugged, fitting the book under his arm and Charlie growled.

“Harvey, give it back!”  

She reached out for the book, leaning over the back of the couch even as Harvey took a step back.

“How about you tone down the grumpy and take a nap, and I’ll think about it?”

Charlie huffed, turning away from him to resettle amongst her blankets and her book. “You’re a real jerk, you know that? A real ass—” 

Charlie shouted, quickly ducking down under the covers after the book slammed against the back of her head, the thump no longer quite as satisfying when it was her body it was making contact with. She had half a mind to go after him again, to start an all out war if that’s what he wanted, but it was a fleeting thought as she weighed her options. 

As she weighed the book in her hands and recalled that not only did Harvey have a fair bit of weight and height and strength up on her, but he also held the fourth book in the series in his hands, the longest and thickest book of the series so far. 

“Alright, alright. Truce, please,” she called out from beneath the blankets, already deciding that although she would let it go for now, Charlie would get her brother back later, whenever she finally got to the sixth book and it’s impressive 1067 pages…a verifiable tome that she had already confirmed was only available in hardcover format at the local library.

Suits (Lines to Live By) Masterlist

[longlivefeedback]

Commenting 101

Lesson 3: Quote. Or paraphrase

Sorry about going MIA last weekend, but I'm back with Lesson 3 💪 But before we get into it, how are we doing with describing the indescribable and commenting in general?

Alright. So let's talk about quoting bits of the fics and commenting on them in a comment. Personally, it's one of my favourite ways to comment because I find it easier to focus on a specific thing/sentence/paragraph/turn of phrase that I really like and gush about it to an author. By doing this, I can also focus on the bits of the story that I really really liked, and not worry about the parts that I didn't like so much. Win-win for everyone!

The one downside of this particular commenting technique is that it does take a relatively high amount of effort and is not as easy as a keyboard smash or entering a bunch of smileys and a catchphrase into the comment box. But hey. Some fics are worth it :)

So, here are some tips on how to quote while commenting:

Keep 2 tabs open.

Use a third party browser script that gives you a floating review box.

Paraphrase.

1. Keep 2 tabs open

Easier on a computer, but I've done it on mobile before. This is literally having two tabs open to the same chapter/fic as I read. When I get to a sentence or phrase that I really like, I'll copy it from my reading tab and paste it into my second tab which has the comment box open.

Sometimes I'll notate what I am thinking in the moment for that quote, and sometimes I'll leave it for the end and experience all the bits I loved again 😍. My comment at the end usually looks something like this:

"Sentence I really like" ~~ I really love how you described this character!

Everything from "Start of a paragraph/section..." to "...end of paragraph/section" is giving me life!!

"Paragraph I really like" ~~ This was perfection and made me cry 😭

and so on and so forth.

It's nice when I notate as I go, because when I'm done reading, I've got quite the comment already written and I usually just round off the comment with a catchphrase like "This was all wonderful! Thank you for writing and sharing!" and hit post, easy-peasy.

2. Use a third party browser script that gives you a floating review box.

This is not something I personally use, but the people who do have really loved it and I love the concept of it so here it is for you to try and see if it works for you!

There are a couple of scripts:

AO3 Floating Comment Box by ScriptMouse. This is a script to create a floating comment box at the bottom of the page for works on AO3. Box will be closed by default, and can be open/closed using the button in the top left corner of the window. Thanks to @memorizingthedigitsofpi for the link!

AO3 Review + Last Chapter Shortcut + Kudos-sortable Bookmarks Tampermonkey script by @ravenel. Click on the link to take you to the original post describing the tool and here's a follow up tutorial post by @bourbon-ontherocks on how to install the script. Credits to @altschmerzes and @castillon02 for the links!

I think these are only for browser on computers (so no mobile?) but please feel free to correct me in the notes if anyone knows.

3. Paraphrase

Let's be real. While Tips 1 and 2 are really just giving you tools to make commenting easier, when it gets down to it, commenting really requires you to, well, comment on something.

So what to do if you forgot to take notes as you read, didn't feel like doing it as you were reading, or found it just too hard to wrangle on mobile?

Paraphrase.

Just refer back to that one thing that caught your attention ala:

"I really love how you described this character in that part!"

"That part where you wrote about that thing that happened to that character is giving me life!!"

"That part where you that happened was perfection and made me cry 😭"

Yes, this does require you to remember and be able to point out and talk about certain parts of the fic. It can be a lot to remember particularly if it's a long chapter. So, as I've stressed in previous lessons, don't let it paralyze you. Just pick one thing you can remember and have the ability to comment on.

Remember:

Just quoting and commenting on one thing is better than nothing.

When you cannot quote, paraphrase!

And as always, when in doubt, comment your catchphrase.

If you want more help constructing a comment or validation that you're writing good comments, please send in an ask or submit a screenshot!

Lessons masterpost.

[daisymylove]

 Right, I may get some heat for this, but here we go. MAJOR SPOILERS OF CHOT AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

As someone who had been waiting for this book for TWO YEARS, my main take away is that Chain of thorns ended being an utter disappointment. As a former fan of Game of thrones, and other fans will get my meaning, I say this book gives me season 8 vibes: a ludicrous and incomplete conclusion to something that could’ve been epic, marinated on wasted potential.The thing is, we KNOW everything will turn out alright with the world at the end and the villains will fail, after all, this is a prequel on a ya series.We know that many of those characters are the ancestors of the TMI and TDA gangs, BUT that does not mean it couldn’t have been a very enjoyable story that leaves you at the edge of your seat, for we would get to see HOW things came to be

What bothers me the most is how Daisy’s protagonism was stolen, and that’s a first for a cc lead.

Its hinted several times in TDA that Cordelia was a hero whose name shadowhunter history would never forget.She was the sword that stood between evil and the world, saving it from doom on a byegone era... but she kinda didn’t? I shit you not, Cordelia’s greatest features on this book were to kill Tatiana (seriously?) and bang james on a tub.And that’s all.And if anyone had to kill tatiana at all, that person should be grace, it would be a great end to her arc of abuse, but that’s beside the point here

All the build up of “we must get cordelia in there so she can vanquish belial and end this’’ was for literally NOTHING.

After so many people either doubting her, or saying she was their only hope, after spending most of the book not fighting and staying on the sidelines because of the paladin busyness (and making some unhinged decisions along the way), she doesn’t fight Belial AT ALL. WHAT? If she had stabbed james, would it be cohf 2.0? well yes, but it still would’ve been better than james going “time for suicide mission lololol” and driving cortana to his chest.And the healing blade? where did that come from? That was such a cheap way for him to not die

The trip to Edom was for literally nothing.Sure, it brought her and lucie closer after the strain on their friendship,but that doesn’t require a trip to Edom, they could’ve just talked and sorted out their shit

Kit’s death was ridiculous and UNmourned. Tatiana, who has no training whatsoever, killed him throwing a poisoned dagger on his shoulder. Nevermind that In book one this boy survived an also poisoned gash that ripped his torso open. Who remembers that anyway? Its not absurd at all.

Point being that if youre going to kill him, do it with dignity and give weight to it.We don’t see his funeral, we don’t see the adults finding it out, nor his parents and henry mourning, we barely see the tlh gang mourning.Jem was throughly mourned, AND HE DIDN’T EVEN DIE.Kit’s death was the literary equivalent of the Loki meme “yes very sad, anyway”  

On the topics of things we didn’t see, I’m livid that there was so much page time wasted on that senseless love triangle THAT EVERYBODY KNEW WOULD AMOUNT TO PRECIOUS NOTHING, and many important things were either told, or left open.I just wish this love triangle had never happened and Cordelia and matt had remained platonic friends. Give matthew another love interest or none at all, he and james already had enough problems to work through as it was 

 They could’ve left for france together as just friends you know. They could’ve even kissed on the basis of “why the fuck not? we are both pining and everything already went to shit anyway”, but then realized it was a mistake and let’s leave it at that.Also it came to a point where the romantic stalling of the minor couples was just too much, it felt like page filler instead of the true conflict resolution they needed to set things right and be together.I was reading all that and wondering “all right, but where’s the actual plot?” 

the explanation for the family tree was ridiculous.I would prefer some “when the city of bones fell, we lost an awful lot of data, and thats why all the documentation of the period is messed up”

The whole conflict of the clave finding out about Jesse’s identity was resolved too easily at the end

Matthew coming clean to his parents and charlotte being pregnant again was such a big and anticipated moment, and yet all we get is Cordelia telling us what james told her

Charles comes out in front of everyone and we dont see that 

Will and tessa cry thinking their kids are gonna die and we dont see that

Thomas’ come out was a bit better, but it was still telling rather than showing

dont get me started on the plot holes.Im pretty sure cc said we would see james get more powers, but all we got was the as old as time cliche of protagonists losing their powers, and that didnt make a slight of sense.They automatically lose their powers after belial “dies”, while tessa remains very much a warlock and a shapeshifter? Make it make sense. Those powers come first and foremost from Tessa, Belial dying doesnt alter the demonic blood on their veins

The cherry on the top of a long list of absurdities, to me, are the watchers. Anyone can correct me if Im wrong, but how in the world there were so many dead silent brothers and iron sisters? it doesnt add up, there should be some of them, but not enough to flood dozens of shadowhunters on their own.The nephilim only have a thousand years of existence, (magnus said more than once that he has met warlocks who had been born before the first shadowhunter was created) and those folks not only live absurdly long lives, but tend to die of natural causes.Jem lived for over a century as a silent brother and aged only two years.It doesnt add up

also am I missing something, or how matthew, thomas and alastair escaped the massive statues was completely brushed over? 

The two truths and a lie was total bullshit.It was also said that there would be political marriage, the gang would go to idris and camille and wolsey would make come backs,but none of that happened.

thats it, thats my rant that probably no one will read bc of how fucking long it is

[hananoami]

[ Directional Orbit ] Fire - Stage 110 Clear VOD

I cleared Rafayel's Directional Orbit: Fire - Stage 110 yesterday, 05/15, in the most unorthodox way possible; more details about that below. For now I want to give an overview of this stage for those who have yet to reach this far. Stage 110 requires two teams. The Protofield Stellactrum for Team 01 is 6-Pearl memories and for Team 02 its 6-Violet memories. By having a perfect match with the colors for the Protofield Stellactrum your < Resonance Skill > can break 2 Protocore Shield Layers in a single strike and increase DMG to weakened by 100%. For every matched Stellactrum you'll receive an attribute bonus that increase DMG Boost by 5.0% and DMG Reduction by 5.0% (up to 30%). I want to reiterate that there is no right or wrong way to play the game. You should use whatever you have available to you. My game play will differ from yours, but I still wanted to share my experiences and offer tips for the trials. With that said, please feel free to contact me if you ever need advice~ I'm super shy, but I'm always happy to help others. ଘ(੭˃ᴗ˂)੭♡

Oh boy... how long was I stuck on this stage? The earliest post referenced was recorded on 04/24 so it's been three weeks. Within that time a LOT of resources were invested into my Violet and Pearl builds. This includes leveling up memories, farming protocores, and leveling up said protocores. I wrote a lot of entries about those upgrades, but you can find them all under my #directional orbit fire tag. I have countless hours of game play footage, showcasing my attempts to figure out what worked for me and how could I improve. Even in my clear video you can see where I had to cut my failed attempts out as I was constantly restarting the second half. It's a satisfying feeling to see how far I was able to progress. Unfortunately I don't have an updated screenshot of the final team set up in the overview page. However, the only difference would be switching the solar pairs. Team 01 will use the Violet solars [Deep Sea Riches] and [Deep Sea Promise] and Team 02 will use the Pearl solars [Temple's Promise] and [Temple's Sunset]. No other changes were made; all of the lunar memories remained the same. Team 01

After switching things up a bit I went into the first half of the fight with Abysswalker Companion using Phantasma Sands. Previously I was able to auto battle this part without any issues. Having a perfect match meant my resonance skill was able to break 2 protocore shields in a single strike, making it easier for me to bring those wanderers to a weakened state faster. However because I opted to go off colors it took me a while longer where I had to manually play. At first I was struggling clear the fight. There were many attempts with me timing out and the wanderers had around 1 and a half or less HP left. I didn't feel like leveling up [Myths] any higher than lv 40 cause I wanted to save leveling resources for Zayne lol... This is when I decided to use more core energy resources to build up my protocores. I used up 20000 core energy exp to level up a pearl delta (CRIT rate) to +12 and another 20000 core energy exp to level up a pearl beta (Expedited Energy Boost) to +12. I don't remember how much gold I spent on the top of my head, but it was still a decent amount invested. Yanno, even with the core upgrade I still died a lot and failed right after LOL. I don't remember which one of the two wanderer types that puts a ticking debuff on you to take damage, but they stack and your HP will DROP without realizing it. Pretty sure it's a reflective damage from the one that has a shield around it. So every time I was attacking it I was also kms... 🫠 Thanks InFold. So yeah, I would try to be a bit mindful about what you're attacking. If they have a shield up that's doing that you can usually dispel it with interrupts/charged attack or bringing them into a weakened state with resonance skill. I love Abysswalker's kit because it groups them up so nicely before Sharky comes and bites them.

Team 02

The suggestion to use God of the Tides companion for he second half and keeping his lunars the same came up in a conversation I had with a friend after a talking about my meme of a run for open orbit - stage 120 (you can read more about that here). After being stuck on this half for over 3 weeks you'll try anything with hopes that it'll actually work. I had zero expectations on how it was gonna turn out but fortunately for me it did well after a handful of failed attempts! Prior to my clear run I tapped a violet delta core (CRIT rate) from +9 to +12 that had HP bonus as one of it's substat. God of the Tides is an HP talent memory so I wanted to make the most of it by having that extra bit of stats to make up for missing 10% attribute bonuses. I was already focused on increasing my CRIT for this build, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to upgrading this specific protocore. Upgrades are expensive y'all. The stats before weren't as ideal imo which is why I was hesitant before taking the gamble to roll HP bonus %. I know my clear vod made it look easy but what really happened is that I somehow managed to crit harder during this run compared to all my failed attempts earlier (╥ᆺ╥；) CRIT rate is king, especially if you plan on ignoring the Protofield Stellactrum by going off colors to try and brute force things.

The following are my final team set up and their stat attributes--

ADDITIONAL SCREENSHOTS

Companion: Rafayel’s Abysswalker Weapon: Phantasma Sands ♡ Affinity Bonus: 92 When you take a fatal blow, Rafayel teleports to you, blocks a hit, and counter attacks. Enemies will be knocked back. [ HP 3600 || DEF 90 || ATK 180 ] Pair Bonus [AB] - Starting Effect: increases team DMG by 8%, and reduces team DMG taken by 8%, and increases Crit DMG of Deepsea Persuit by 30%.

5☆ Deep Sea Riches (violet/solar) Lv 80/awakened rank 2 using +9 SSR protocores

5☆ Deep Sea Promise (violet/solar) Lv 80/awakened using +9 and +12 SSR protocores

5☆Tipsy Invitation (pearl/lunar) Lv 60 using +9 and +12 SSR protocores

5☆ Fireworks Vow (pearl/lunar)

Lv 60 using +9 and +12 SSR protocores

5☆ Before Sunrise (pearl/lunar)

Lv 60 rank 1 using +9 SSR protocores

4☆ Myths (pearl/lunar) Lv 40 rank 3 using +9 SSR protocores

Companion: Rafayel’s God of the Tides Weapon: Tidal Embrace ♡ Affinity Bonus: 92 When you take a fatal blow, Rafayel teleports to you, blocks a hit, and counter attacks. Enemies will be knocked back. [ HP 3600 || DEF 90 || ATK 180 ] Pair Bonus [TP] - Starting Effect: increases team DMG by 8%, reduces team DMG taken by 8%, and increases Crit DMG by 10% when fighting along side Sea Spirits. - Duo Rank 1: boosts Ardent Oath charge by 20%. The starting level of Sea Spirits rises to Lv. 2, and Sea Spirits will last for 5 more seconds. - Duo Rank 2: increases Energy Charge cap by 1. During Heavenly Rain, recovery rate of energy charge is increased by 30%.

5☆ Temple’s Promise (pearl/solar) Lv 80/awakened rank 2 using +9 SSR protocores

5☆ Temple’s Sunset (pearl/solar) Lv 80/awakened rank 2 using +9 and +12 SSR protocores

5☆ Your Fragrance (violet/lunar) Lv 80 rank 1 using +9 and +12 SSR protocores

5☆ Whispers (violet/lunar) Lv 80 rank 1 using +12 SSR protocores

4☆Ivory Nightfall (violet/lunar) Lv70 rank 3 using +12 SSR protocores

4☆ Hidden Shadow (violet/lunar) Lv 70 rank 3 using +9 SSR protocores

[zombryz]

♡ all my suffering ♡

˗ˏˋ hello ˎˊ˗    & thx for reading :3

Chapter One

masterlist | Next Chapter 2  | ao3 | playlists (still updating) (dabi & shigaraki)

Pairings: Shigaraki x f!reader x Dabi

A/N: ok so, I started writing this following the original storyline of bnha but then somewhere along the way I got the timeline mixed up and then went down my own path. So please be aware this loosely follows the story of bnha.

Summary: You can’t remember who he is but something about him draws you in. While trapped with the LOV, you try to remember your quirk and who you were before. Unknowing to you, your life as a hero left you depressed and swallowed with PTSD from your quirk failing you. Maybe the heroes were wrong and villain's are people too?

Warnings: (current, may change throughout the story) PSTD, Death, depression, angst, abuse (physical and emotional), possessiveness, memory loss, eventual lemon, smut, slowburn

Word Count: 15k

It was the beginning of the school year when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. There was a very faint almond-like aroma in the air. The weather was comfortable, not too cold and not too hot. You had found yourself walking with one foot in front of the other up the all-too-familiar steps of the notorious school for heroes, U.A. High School. Graduating U.A. last school year, you returned to intern with the Youthful Heroine: Recovery Girl, who is the nurse at U.A. High School. Recovery Girl was no stranger to you, you were a student of hers prior to graduating. You had always loved her presence, she was a kind elderly woman who wore a lab coat that was way too big for her. Her quirk was quite similar to yours which made her curriculum feel like it was carved out for you and you only. Her quirk allows her to amplify and speed up the human healing process by kissing them. The only drawback is that it requires large amounts of energy from the subject, rendering them useless for long periods of time while their bodies recover. Your quirk on the other hand was slightly different, you were the Restore Hero: Medela. Principal Nezu was the one to suggest using your quirk in the medical field, he said he was certain you were able to fix anything that had once been broken. After his suggestion, one of your schoolmates, a boy who was in a class below you, had broken his leg. You were then put to the test, Recovery Girl had you use your quirk on the boy. You were nervous but got to working quickly, the boy’s whimpers of pain broke your heart. Once you put your hands on the boy’s leg there was silence and suddenly no more pain, you had closed your eyes while focusing on fixing his broken femur bone. Both Recovery Girl and your schoolmate stared at you in awe while you worked, your hair began to float and you had the gentlest smile spread across your lips. Once you had finished reversing his broken leg you slowly opened your eyes and noticed the boy staring back at you. A rosy heat spread all the way to his pointed ears. Later that day Recovery Girl stormed down to the Principal’s office and demanded that she train you. Here you were a year later returning to work under Recovery Girl. You’re scheduled to spend half of your school week with her and the other half at the hospital working under the nurses as an intern. There was still a lot you needed to learn in the medical field, your quirk just made things easier for you. Your quirk was touch-based which came in handy but unfortunately, you couldn’t be in two places at once. You learned the hard way that you have to come in contact with the dead moments after death in order to revive them. Reviving the dead was an incredible power, however, the first time it didn’t work you had a meltdown, and the accident haunted you for days, months even. You attempted to revive a young man who had been in a tragic car accident, the heroes had brought him in with multiple injuries including a head wound. You ran to the other side of the hospital as fast as you could once you were paged, it was already too late, he had been dead for only a couple of minutes. You held his head in your hands and pressed your forehead to his, your hair began to float but your gentle smile faded, instead it was replaced by a stream of tears. You couldn’t feel him anymore, he was gone. You had failed. The nursing staff tried to comfort you and tell you it wasn’t your fault but it didn’t help. That’s when the hospital requested that you spend some time with Recovery Girl once the new school year started, it would be less intense and you wouldn’t blame yourself for that boy's death every waking hour of the day. Your arrival to U.A. today was in hopes that they were right, you hoped that this would be a breather for you and that you could heal your worries before returning to the hospital full-time. 

Once entering U.A. you received a badge that read “student teacher” and you made your way to Recovery Girl’s office. There were a few familiar faces on the way but there was one that stood out to you the most, your first patient ever. The boy with the broken leg appeared to have grown up a lot in the past year. He was now towering over you, his dark hair was much longer and he still looked as shy as the day he was injured. You never learned his name but you smiled at him nonetheless and had hoped he remembered you too. He returned your smile with a toothy grin revealing his fangs and then he immediately got embarrassed and looked down at his feet. After roaming the halls for what felt like forever, you made it to Recovery Girl’s office, the bell ringing right after you entered the doorway. 

“Well if it isn’t my favorite student, Y/N,” Recovery Girl made her way over to you with short strides and your face lit up at the sight of her. You bent down to her level so she could hug you and place a kiss on your cheek. 

“Hello, Shuzenji! Long time no see,” 

Recovery girl left your hug to sit in her chair, she sighed before continuing, her tone was a serious one. “Now Y/N, you know I love you but why are you here? You should be fighting alongside heroes not sitting here with me, I’ve taught you everything I know!” she waved her hands around, her cane following for dramatic effect. 

“I-” you began to speak but you were cut off.

“If this is about that boy…. It wasn’t your fault and you know that.” she lowered her voice to show sympathy. You didn’t even know that she knew about that. Her words made you feel guilty for wasting her time.

“I know. I just… needed a break from it all. I don’t think I’m cut out for the hero world Shuzenji, I feel like I can’t breathe and if I walk away from the medical field everyone will hate me because my quirk is perfect for it,” your voice sounded heavy like you were pleading with her while holding back tears. You wanted her acceptance more than anything. 

“Now, you know no one will hate you. If time is what you need then I can give that to you,” she jumped down from her chair as if to say she was done speaking on the subject. “Let's start with you making files of all the new students for this year, okay?” Great. She was giving you her office work. 

“Sure, I’ll get started on that right away.” 

This was going to be a long next couple of months, you could already feel it in your bones. 

♡

A few weeks have passed at U.A. high school and you’ve gotten to know a lot of the students. Your most frequent visitor is a first-year boy named Izuku Midoriya who comes in quite often with broken fingers. He has tender eyes, a face full of freckles, and dark green hair. Every time he comes in you give him a hard time, it always ends with you begging him to be more careful. He makes false promises to make you feel better but he always ends up back in here. You think you might have a soft spot for him, he’s such a kind boy and it seems like he is giving his all to becoming a hero. You admire him for it, you don’t have the same motivation. Helping people comes naturally to you but being a hero is giving up your happiness for good. Heroes are always hurting inside, you can see it in their faces. 

You were currently in the nurse's office cleaning up the cots for the next kid that wanders in here with an injury. You heard some commotion down the hall and without hesitation you followed the yelling to see where it was coming from and to see if anyone was hurt and needed help. It was a group of teachers, they apparently just found out some troubling news. Class 1-A was attacked at the U.S.J. building by a swarm of villains. Your eyes go wide when you realize that means the villains infiltrated the school. 

“I’ll come just in case anyone is hurt!” you said to no one in particular but turned to face the teacher Snipe who only nodded in response. 

Once you and your fellow teachers arrived at the U.S.J. it was a total mess, there were unconscious bodies everywhere. It looked like the battle was coming to an end, and in the center of it all, you could see your old teacher Mr.Aizawa, or rather the Pro Hero: Eraserhead, laying flat on his stomach in a pool of blood. Without thinking you attempted to run after him, he needed help and you could provide it. A strong force stopped you before you could continue your way down the stairs. Wrapped around you was one of Snipe’s arms, he was holding you in place, his maroon cape draping over you slightly, and in his other hand was a pistol. You followed its line of sight to where he was aiming, there was a man you had never seen before. He must be a villain. He was wearing all black and was dressed in hands, literal hands, from what you can tell. They were wrapped around his arms, neck, and shoulders. Red wires that matched his shoes were sticking out of the backs of the hands connecting them all together. The creepiest feature was the large hand that covered his whole face. It made you feel uneasy. The sound of gunshots pulled you from your thoughts causing you to turn and face Snipe, who was relentlessly unloading bullets into the Villain in the distance. You watched as a bullet hit his chest, both arms, and legs. He fell to the ground before a dark cloud cast over him, you assumed it was to teleport him back to where he came from. A look of panic spread across your face, you had no idea if the Villain that was before you only moments ago was now dead or not. Snipe still held onto you as he continued unloading bullets into the cloud, he wore a mask but you knew that if his face was bare that there wouldn't be a single bit of emotion behind his shots. The thought of that scared you. Villains were just scum to heroes, but to you, they were people too. It felt like time froze as you looked up at your captor, he finally lowered his weapon and let you go. The panic on your face was replaced with judgment as you furrowed your brows at him. Snipe shook it off and took it as if you were just upset that he wouldn’t let you run down to the war zone. Without exchanging words you turned around to finally run down towards the others. 

A few students had helped carry Eraserhead up the stairs, he seemed to be suffering the most damage.

“Don’t worry guys, I got him,” you reached out to help the students lower him to the ground so that you could start healing him. He was unconscious and suffered a very extreme injury to his elbow, you had never seen something so damaging. His muscles surrounding his bones were out in the open, and there was no longer any skin protecting his elbow. His right eye was covered in blood but that injury would have to be treated secondly. If you don’t act now he could have permanent nerve damage. You sat his head in your lap while you grabbed his elbow with both of your hands activating your quirk. Closing your eyes and connecting your forehead to his you felt like something was wrong, you couldn’t feel his elbow healing. When you opened your eyes his elbow looked exactly the same, you began to breathe heavily, a panic sweeping over you. It was happening again, your quirk is failing you. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is it happening again?

“U-um something’s wrong! Someone help!” your voice was shaky but you were able to speak loud enough for the others to hear you. Shuzenji was the first to rush to your side, she looked Eraserhead up and down. His head was still in your lap while you were fighting back tears. You tried to keep him still so that he wouldn’t be in pain, your thumb gently running over his temples. Shuzenji gave you a look like she knew exactly what was going on, she knew that you weren’t going to be able to heal him. 

“We need to get him to my office immediately, hurry!” Shuzenji pounded her cane on the ground multiple times to get the other teacher's attention. Eraserhead was ripped from your arms by Snipe and Present Mic and you were left on the ground of the U.S.J feeling defeated. You weren’t able to help him and you had no idea what you’d done wrong. 

♡

After the U.S.J. attack, you learned that the villainous group who broke in went by ‘The League of Villains’, the man who you saw get shot multiple times was known as Tomura Shigaraki, just a boy who was only a few years older than you. This made you sick to your stomach. The news didn’t say whether or not he was alive which still made you uneasy considering the LOV has been quiet since the attack. Luckily, you didn’t have time to think about it much, everyone was too busy preparing for the U.A. Sports Festival, including yourself. You knew there would be a lot of injuries and you had to come ready to assist Shuzenji. Although you've been in your head ever since failing Eraserhead, you were stuck fighting an internal battle. Seeing him wrapped in bandages head to toe definitely pulled on your heartstrings. Apologizing to him didn’t make you feel any better, he shrugged it off and told you that “shit happens'. He gave his life to save the kids of Class 1-A but you couldn’t save him. What an awful feeling, failing.

You had sat in the stadium watching the students battle below you, cringing whenever one of them got hurt. You would rise from your seat and meet them in the nurse's office once they were pulled from the arena. You scolded Izuku for going too hard battling his classmate Todoroki. After healing both of his arms you sent him on his merry way.

The next few weeks at U.A. were a drag, there was a ton of talk about a hero killer in Hosu City. The students were working with pro heroes to train under them so there wasn’t much to do at the school. You wanted to avoid the hospital though so you tried to keep yourself busy. You spent a lot of time with the teachers and even got to go to lunch with All Might a few times. Younger you was fangirling hard. He wasn’t a teacher when you were here last year so you were taking full advantage of getting to know the number one Pro Hero. 

“Soooo, All Might... Out of curiosity, have you ever fought Shigaraki before the U.S.J incident?” you looked up at him with big doe eyes while funneling the rest of your ramen into your mouth. You only had a little under an hour for lunch with All Might so you tried to pick his brain as much as possible. You weren’t even sure why you were asking this question, you just couldn’t get the villain out of your head.

“No, young L/N, I have not fought him before. To be honest with you, I am stumped as to where he came from but this isn’t the first time I have had enemies so he is nothing to worry about. I’ll catch him.” he finished his sentence with a hint of sadness in his voice although he was still toothy with his signature All Might smile. Without realizing it, All Might gave you information that he also believes Shigaraki to be alive with that last comment.

You figured he wouldn’t speak any more on the subject so you kept quiet until your time was up. You always swear that All Might is steaming by the time he leaves you. Later that evening you were alone to gather your thoughts. Your stomach dropped at the thought of Shigaraki being alive out there plotting more attacks, but for some reason, you’re also thankful you didn’t watch him die. You wish you could put this fascination of him to rest, or whatever you’d call it. You didn’t like that your mind automatically went to him being shot over and over again. 

Even though you knew he was alive now for some reason he didn’t leave your mind. During Class 1-A’s final exams, you just kept thinking back to him, maybe it was because you couldn’t see his face. Why were you so fascinated by him? Maybe you were just bored and U.A. wasn’t as fast-paced as you needed it to be. Honestly, you weren’t sure why you were becoming obsessed with him. The news outlets knew very little about him and it irked you. If only you could just find out who he was and then you could return to normal. He was slowly taking over your mind. When you closed your eyes you saw him, hand over his face and light blue shaggy hair falling around it. Even when you healed Izuku after his final exam with All Might you saw Shigaraki when you closed your eyes. You apparently jolted while healing because Izuku asked you if you were okay. 

It didn’t get much better in the days to come, it was now summer for the students and they were going to a camp to get more training. You volunteered to go with them so that Shuzenji didn’t have to. After all, how could the students manage to injure themselves at a summer camp? 

You were staying in the same vicinity as Eraserhead and Vlad King. There were no injuries on the first night, just a ton of sore and tired kids. The students had to make their way to the camp down a mountain of forest while fighting a bunch of rock monsters that Pixie-bob, the pussycat hero, created from landslide rocks. The next day you sat around and watched all of the students pushing their quirks to their limits, you almost felt bad for them but you remembered that this was needed for them to know their limits. On the third day of the lodge trip, Pixie-bob and Ragdoll explain a game that the students were going to play called the test of courage. It was a game that would take place in the forest. It was dark already so you knew this game was going to be spooky. Both classes 1-A and 1-B would have scarers and scarees. The class that scared the most students would ultimately win. You decided to hang back with Eraserhead while he taught the supplementary lessons to those who didn’t pass the final exams. You were in the back of the classroom on your phone when you heard an urgent message reverberate through your brain, it was Mandalay using her telepathy to warn everyone about a Villain invasion. Your eyes widened with fear. How did they find this place? 

“Y/N, come with me. Everyone else stays put.” Eraserhead signaled you to follow him, there was no hesitation, you got to your feet and met him at the front of the classroom. Technically, you had your Pro Hero license and you were registered as a Pro Hero so if it came down to fighting then fighting was what you were going to do to protect the students. Luckily, on this trip, you were required to wear your Pro Hero costume. You wore a black spandex suit that was easy to move around in. You had black combat boots on and thigh attachments that carried medical equipment on one thigh and a holster to carry knives on the other side. This was in case you had to cut someone out of a seat belt or cut their clothes to allow access to heal them. Your hair was sloppily pulled back in a half up half down bun because you weren’t actually in the field and you knew you wouldn’t get in trouble for being ‘out of uniform’. You were considered a rescue hero but you were also taught hand-to-hand combat at U.A. “I’ll meet you outside, I’m going down the hall to get Vlad.” 

“Okay, I’ll get as many students inside as I can,” you replied to which Eraserhead nodded and took off down the hall. 

You ran outside and after taking a look around you realized that this was not a good situation. You heard screams coming from the woods and saw what looked like a gas cloud over the distance. You made a mental note to be cautious when breathing if you came too close to it. Suddenly you heard a twig snap to your right and saw a hand reach out toward your face, you ducked just in time and see a wave of blue flames go over your head. If you hadn’t reacted quickly you would’ve quite literally been toast. Thinking on your feet you sweep your foot out and trip your opponent, he falls to the ground and you place your foot on his chest to immobilize him. You only got a quick look at him before he grabbed your foot and sent flames up your calf forcing you to release him. You doubled over in pain from the burns and grasped at your calf noticing his flames burnt your suit up to right above your knee. The fabric was singed into your skin, you quickly healed yourself but your opponent took off inside the building. Fuck. You punched your fist into the ground before rising to your feet to chase after him. You’re met with Eraserhead stomping the man over and over again before he began turning into mud beneath him. 

“He was just a clone,” he whispered under his breath but you were close enough to hear him. Great, so the real one is out there somewhere. 

“I’m going to go find as many students as I can and escort them back here to safety,” you looked to Eraserhead for confirmation, he quickly nodded and you were out the door. 

Avoiding the fog you took off in the opposite direction. Suddenly, you hear Mandalay’s voice once more. Her words rang through your brain, the students were now authorized to battle the villains. This made you less concerned now that the students were able to fight back, although you prayed the kids were strong enough to fight these villains. After escorting a few students from class 1-B back to camp, you continued through the forest in hopes of rescuing more students. In the distance you recognized a few of class 1-A students' voices, it was dark so you squint your eyes to pinpoint their location. From what you could tell it was Todoroki, Bakugo, Shoji, and Fumikage. Silently you started running after them, it wouldn’t be smart to yell out towards them just in case there were any villains lurking around. As you got closer you noticed a head of dark green hair on Shoji’s back. Oh no, Midoriya must be hurt. Finally, you were close enough to get their attention. As you reached your hand out towards them and parted your lips to speak you were stopped abruptly by the force of someone grabbing a hold of you. A large burnt-up hand descended into your peripherals, grabbing a hold of your face to cover your mouth. Their hands were hot but there was an uncomfortableness when you felt cold staples against your lips. When you tried to scream you were met with silence. Unable to see your captor you tried to shake them by rapidly jerking your body. You attempted to head-butt them with the back of your skull as hard as you could but they were much taller than you so you were just met with a hard thud of their shoulder. Your vision went blurry and you could tell you partially knocked yourself out. This captor was too strong for you, your fighting was met in defeat when you noticed a small bluish marble in their other hand. A panic swept over you, were you about to die? Your captor moved the marble towards you and you were met with nothingness. Everything went black, it was as if you were sedated and fell silently asleep. 

“I got the healer girl, we have everyone we need, let's get back to the boss.” 

♡

Falling in and out of consciousness you felt weightless against someone or something. Whoever they were made you feel tiny in their grasp as you were being held against your will. Once you gained enough energy after waking, you managed to kick and wiggle against your captor but when you tried to let out a scream there was no noise, you were only met with silence and a pounding feeling on the side of your temple. Then there was a terrifying feeling of something warm trickling down your face. Trying to wipe it from your cheek you immediately felt the tension as you realized your hands were bound together behind your back. Your stomach was uneasy as it was pressed against this stranger. You must’ve been thrown over their shoulder and facing the ground behind them. That’s when the panic set in, you couldn’t actually see anything. It was completely dark. Your breathing felt heavy and you were drenched in sweat. After analyzing the situation quickly you came to terms with the fact that there was no escaping the stranger’s grasp, at least right now. From what you could tell, your head was covered with some sort of cloth and your mouth was taped shut so that you couldn’t scream. Closing your eyes you inhaled through your nose as deeply as your lungs allowed. Ouch. That’s when you noticed all of your pain. Either a cracked or bruised rib, the possible gash in the side of your head, and your wrists bloodied from trying to escape. The only noises to be heard were your captors' giant footsteps. It sounded like a dirt path with some scattered gravel. You think it's night, the only information you have to confirm this is the crickets in the distance and how dark it is through the cloth. Maybe you were in the woods? Ugh, this was no use, plus you felt so tired suddenly and with the swaying of your strangers' strides, you couldn’t help but feel like they were rocking you to sleep. Your eyes began to feel heavy and all at once, your head dropped and you were out of consciousness again. 

Everything was muffled. There were multiple voices as you stirred yourself awake. It felt like you were maybe tied to a chair. Now that you were grounded you felt extremely dizzy and nauseous. It felt like you were hit by a truck. The cloth was still over your head but this time you were able to see some light shining through. You made a mental note that you were probably inside, the only question remaining was where? There was dried blood all over your face. The blood extended to your right ear and dried up, slicking your hair back and knotting it together.  With the movement of your stirring awake, you must’ve opened the gash more causing another warm substance to trickle down your face, down your cheek, and finally pooling in the crevice of your collarbone. 

“Oh, yummy! She’s bleeding,” a young girl spoke over the rest of the voices, you could hear her musical footsteps approaching you as she skipped over. She started humming in your ear and then you felt her finger gather the pooling blood on your clavicle like how you would gather leftover sauce on your plate. You were still unable to see her but this action made you wince. 

“Don’t touch her Toga, and stop being a pain in my ass,” another voice chimed in, it was deep and soothing, almost like a crackling fire. Whomever it belonged to sounded dangerous. 

“Sorry Dabi,” the girl retreated, backing away from you. You were relieved of this until suddenly someone ripped the cloth bag off of your head. The light was almost blinding, your ears started ringing and you flinched away trying to let your eyes adjust. Through heavy lashes, you looked up at the group that captured you. They were all hovering over you and you felt like their prey just sitting there tied to a chair, like a lamb to the slaughter. Your eyes tracked a figure in the background that was walking towards the scene. He looked oddly familiar but for some reason, you can’t remember why. Everyone parted allowing access to the stranger amongst strangers. He was tall and skinny, he wore all black aside from his bright red sneakers. The most concerning part was that of his face, although it wasn’t a face really. It was a hand. Laying over his face was a decomposing hand. Creepy. It was shaped like that of a man’s left hand and at the end of the wrist was a gold-plated block. His shaggy blue hair fell on the sides of his face and parted through the slits of the hand’s fingers. Through the hand’s middle and index finger was his eye, he was looking at you curiously as you stared back at him with curiosity for him as well. The moment was intense and everyone in the room fell silent while he kneeled in front of you, taking your chin between his thumb and index finger. He was rough with his touch causing you to wince.

“Strange. Why aren’t you screaming? Don’t you know who we are?” His voice was much raspier and high pitched than you expected. Although he was touching you, for some odd reason, you weren’t scared of him. You almost didn’t feel anything at all, complete stillness. 

“No, am I supposed to know who you are?” it hurt to speak, your voice came out strained and low. It felt similar to a child being lectured and knowing they were in trouble. 

“I suppose not,” he let go of your chin aggressively, not liking your answer. Your chin felt empty where his hand once was and the heaviness of your body gave in, you couldn’t keep your head up any longer. That’s when he noticed how bad the gash in your head was. Your ear was covered in blood making it hard to hear, you were sure that some of it pooled into your ear drum. The ominous man turned on his heels to face the rest of his group. “Nobody touches her unless I say so, got it?” his voice was deeper when he spoke to them. It was more authoritative. This confirmed your suspicions of him being their leader, whoever he was. You watched him closely while he was turned away. His hair fell at the backside of his shoulders, giving him access to his neck. He looked lean and pale. That’s when you noticed all the scratch marks that infested the underneath of his jawline. His skin was very dry and irritated. The girl from before frowned at his order and with eyes drunk in desperation, she smiled at you before skipping away. The rest of the group started dispersing before the faceless man turned to another man who was leaning against the wall nonchalantly. He had a dark presence and was wearing a black overcoat with what looked like heavy metal sleeves. 

“Clean and stitch her up,” the leader pointed at you with a nod. The other man stood up and walked closer to him. Once he was under the light you noticed his facial scarring. He had a smile made of staples that went from earlobe to earlobe. His under eyes were also covered in staples and his facial scarring almost looked a purple hue. When he noticed you staring at him his eyes met yours and you nervously looked away. Before you did you caught a glimpse of how piercingly blue his eyes were. 

“C’mon boss, make Toga do it,” the dark-haired man complained, he must be Dabi. You recognized his voice from earlier when the Toga girl apologized to him. He looked agitated, it made sense. He was probably in so much pain, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was angry all the time. 

“Toga would drain her, just do it Dabi,” the blue-haired leader sighed, he also seemed annoyed. In all honesty, you weren’t even sure why you were here or why they went through the trouble of kidnapping you if they think of you as so much of a burden. 

“Fine, but just because you don’t think I’ll ‘drain’ her doesn’t mean I’m going to play nice,” he retorted, ending the conversation with his boss. He trudged towards you with haste in each step. Before you knew it he stood before you, his crystal blue eyes staring down at you, bewilderment hiding behind such anger and pain. You looked at him through your lashes, not sure what he wanted you to do. He lowered himself to untie you from the chair, making sure that your hands were still bound together. You weren’t even sure if you would consider yourself a danger to him. Even without the knowledge of his quirk, you were almost positive he could overpower you. Wait, what was your quirk again? You didn’t have long to ponder this question before Dabi picked you up and draped you over his shoulder. He held the back of your legs tightly while carrying you across the room. At this angle you finally got to look at your surroundings, you were in a cozy little bar. The room was filled with cigarette smoke and there was soft music playing. As you were carried out of the room you saw the man with a hand for a face sitting at the bar, whisky in hand, his pinky in the air while he held the glass. Only now, the hand that was on his face was placed on the bar top as you would place your wallet or car keys on an ordinary night out drinking. He watched you in silence while Dabi carried you away into the darkness. His hair fell too low past his eyes for you to be able to see any more of his face. He was still such a mystery to you. 

Dabi carried you past the bar curtains and down a long dark hallway. You wanted to talk to him but you knew that whatever questions you asked, he probably wouldn’t answer. Annoying him wasn’t in your best interest. It was at this moment that you noticed he wasn’t the same man that carried you in earlier. Whoever, or whatever they were, were on a much bigger scale. Their steps were pounding, unlike Dabi’s only slightly heavy steps. It seemed like Dabi could be sneaky if he wanted to. Maybe he felt comfortable here? Maybe these people were his family? You didn’t get a chance to overanalyze before you were pulled out of your head by Dabi dropping you to your feet. He started pushing you through a door and you silently obeyed. You were still facing him and behind him was what looked like a bedroom, there was a bed on the floor in the corner and blackout curtains over the windows. There was scattered trash everywhere and the room was lit only by a single blue UV light that was fixed over a snake terrarium. 

“C’mon, stop wasting time,” he finally spoke as he grabbed your shoulders to spin you around towards the bathroom. Once you had your back towards him you looked up at the mirror across from the door and went wide-eyed. You panicked falling backward into Dabi causing him to trip and fall back into the room, you landed in between his legs and immediately started crying into his chest. Your arms were still bound together so you weren’t able to hug yourself and curl into a ball like you so badly wanted to. Dabi was extremely confused and annoyed at this point, he huffed as he got back up and manhandled you into going back into the bathroom. You cried, kicked, and screamed but it was no use. Dabi was stronger and dragged you along with him. He took out a knife and cut the bounds that held your wrists together before he shoved you into the bathtub. You fell to your knees in the tub and just stared at your hands, tears still streaming down your face. 

“Stop being a brat! What’s wrong? Huh?” he raised his voice at you, he couldn’t believe he was the one who got stuck with this job. 

The room was filled with silence, only your sniffles filled the awkward tension in the cold tub. “I-I don’t recognize who that was in the mirror. I don’t think I remember who I am. I’ve been trying to think of my name since arriving here and I can’t…” You managed to get out through broken cries. “Did something happen to me? Who am I?” you finally looked up at the man covered in staples. His face was neutral but once he locked eyes with you his face softened in the slightest. He looked away and sighed before kneeling down so that the two of you were face to face, inches apart. 

“Listen, sweetheart, I don’t have all the answers… I’m just following orders.” his voice was low and gruff, you could tell he wasn’t lying to you. He scanned your face and gathered that you weren’t satisfied with that answer, it only sturred more confusion for you. “All I know is that the league kidnapped you for your quirk and that your name is Y/N,” your eyes left your hands to look at him, your sweet, tear-filled eyes met his pained ones and over the course of this conversation he seemed to become more gentle with you. You weren’t sure why that was but that’s not important right now. He is answering your questions which means he is proving to at least be a trusted ally… for now. 

“Y/N?” you repeated after him, it sounded foreign on your tongue. None of this was making sense to you. With a confused look you met Dabi’s eyes once more, “What is a ‘league’ and..” you paused before asking, just to be sure that you couldn’t remember, “Dabi, what’s my quirk?” you pouted. Tears started streaming down your face once more. You couldn’t remember anything and it was tearing you apart inside. Dabi looked at you with pity, he didn’t always feel bad for others, especially with how everyone treated him and cast him out of society, but right now, at this moment he actually felt sorry for you. Part of Dabi also envied you, he would give anything to forget everything like you have. Even if only for a little bit. Dabi was pulled from his thoughts when you repeated his name, “Dabi?” 

“I, uh… we are a group called the league of villains,” he quickly brushed over that part so that you wouldn’t panic again but to his surprise, you didn’t, you just listened to him carefully, “Shigaraki wanted you for your healing abilities, I don’t know the details of your quirk but that's all that I know.” 

Healing abilities? Shigaraki? Was that the leader’s name? God, why couldn’t you remember anything? This was all so frustrating. You sat in the tub, cold, exhausted, and in pain. Suddenly, you felt a hand on your temple, brushing the hair away from your face. Dabi was moving the hair from your blooded side to get a better look at the gash. He moved in closer to your face and adjusted your head downwards, at this angle you were so close to his neck. You stared at his Adam's apple while he tilted your head at different angles, examining you. He smelt like cigarette smoke, fire, and leather. It wasn't a bad combination but it definitely suited him. 

“I think you losing your memory has something to do with this,” he poked at the gash in your head and you winced. Dabi grabbed your chin to get a good look into your eyes. “Yeah, your pupils are two different sizes, that’s not good.” You couldn’t help but look at his staples, at this close proximity all you wanted to do was touch them, run your fingers over them and ask him about how he became this way, why he joined the league in the first place but you stopped yourself. 

“Wait, what do you mean that’s not good?” your voice betraying you, accidentally letting the worry seep through. 

“I don’t know, kid, I’m not a doctor.” Dabi lets go of your chin and stands up. Hovering over you, he takes the shower head and yanks it down so that it's closer to your head. He squats once again in front of you and leans over to turn the water on. On the other end of the tub, he checks to make sure the water is warm before bringing it back to you. The stream hits your gash and at first it stings but then you sink into the warm water and it feels really nice. You close your eyes and let all the dried-up blood run down your face and rinse out of your hair. Dabi watches as you lose yourself in the feeling, he has to hold back the urge to run his hands through your hair to give you a proper bath and massage your scalp. He feels bad for being the reason you lost your memory. If you hadn’t headbutted him so hard when he met you in those woods. He told Shigaraki that he wasn’t going to play nice. You’re the enemy, you work alongside heroes. Well, you didn’t know that, right? He didn’t expect you to be like this. Your memory is gone. Dabi could shape you into the perfect villain with Shigaraki’s help. You unconsciously smile up at him while he’s thinking about all the ways of making you evil. He nearly drops the shower head. There it is, a smile. Your smile. Oh no, Dabi couldn’t take this. He didn’t like the feeling that he just felt in the pit of his stomach. He shoves the shower head into your palm and walks away. He padlocks the bathroom door and takes off down the hall with his hands in his pockets. Dabi loudly knocks on his boss's bedroom door and is met with an exhausted and annoyed Shigaraki. His collection of hands splayed on his desk behind him and his face droops in exhaustion. “What is it Dabi? Have you fixed her up yet?” he wipes his eyes and yawns, it is now clear that Dabi had woken his boss up from sleeping. 

“She doesn’t remember who she is. She suffered a bad head injury and didn’t even know what her quirk was. I think we can use this to our advantage.” Dabi lowers his voice, not wanting to alarm the others. 

“I see, very well then..” Shigaraki thinks for a moment before talking again, “but if she doesn’t remember how to use her quirk and is no longer of use to the league. I’ll dust her,” he responds with a slightly menacing grin. “I don’t care where she sleeps but don’t let her out of your sight, she's your responsibility tonight.”  Dabi nods and makes his way back down the hallway. He stops by Toga’s room grabbing some clothes for you to change into. Toga offered to help but Dabi told her to stay away from you or he’d roast her.

Once he’s back in his room he takes off his overcoat and unlocks the door to the bathroom. “You left me,” you say looking up at him with a pitiful look in your eyes. The shower was still going but you were just sitting there, not holding on to the shower head anymore. Dabi walks over and turns off the shower. 

“I went to grab you some clothes.” he hands you a towel, it was not very clean but you suppose anything was better than nothing. You flip your head and start towel drying your hair and immediately regret it. Ow, fuck, that hurts. “You’re hurting yourself more, come here stupid,” Dabi demands and you get out of the tub to stand directly in front of him. His height made him tower over you, which was also good for him so that he could get a better look at your head. He gently patted the area and handed you Toga’s clothes once your hair was no longer drenched, “Get dressed, and then I have to patch you up.” With that, he exited the room. You looked at the outfit that was handed to you, a black t-shirt and some yellow shorts with strawberries on them, it’ll work for the night. You opened the door and Dabi had his back facing you. You noticed he wasn’t wearing the black overcoat anymore. Just a black t-shirt and his dark pants. He looked over his shoulder at you so you could just see the bridge of his nose, his hair fell on the side of his face, probably from the humidity of the bathroom. In the blue lighting, he looked much more brooding than before, his face turned down. “You ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be, I guess,” you replied unsurely, you really didn’t know how bad your cut was but you decided against better judgment, to trust Dabi. He had you sit on the toilet seat cover so that he could work on your head. He used alcohol and steri-strips. He was pretty good at this, your cut barely hurt when he touched it. 

“You’re lucky I didn’t have to use staples or stitch you up. That would’ve been a pain in the ass.” he lightly chucked and it made your heart flutter. You couldn’t help but stare at him, although you were the one who was vulnerable in this state, it seemed as though he also let his guard down a bit. “Done.” he lets out a huff before backing away from you to get a good look at his handy work. You were now sitting on the toilet legs criss crossed and the big t-shirt draped over your knees. Dabi didn’t allow his eyes to go any lower.

“So what now?” you ask, staring up at him like a lost puppy. You needed direction. Not remembering who you were, how to use your quirk, not even remembering your name, what you looked like. You felt lost and right now, Dabi was the only person you felt you could trust.

“I guess for tonight, you’re my responsibility,” he was looking into your eyes now, those piercingly blue eyes, heavily lidded with something you couldn’t decipher. Tiredness, maybe?

“Okay.” 

You follow Dabi back into his bedroom, the blue light is flickering in the corner above the terrarium, and everything else is in the shadows. You were able to see the creature now, it was an albino python, it menacingly slithered to the top, hitting its head on the glass, aching to escape. You wondered if that’s how you should feel, being here, with these people. Why are you not afraid of them? Shigaraki asked why you weren’t scared and you didn’t have an answer. They’re all strangers but you don’t feel frightened in their presence. Dabi pulls you out of your thoughts when you hear a metallic click, “Woah, wait, what are you doing?” Your heart is racing, you don't want to be bound again. Your wrists are still sore from before, why did he have to handcuff you?

“Relax doll,” Dabi takes the other handcuff and attaches it to his own wrist, bounding the two of you together instead. He takes the key and drops it into the snake’s cage. “I can’t let you out of my sight, this is the only way I can get some sleep too.” You didn’t like this. It’s not like the thought of escaping hasn’t crossed your mind but where would you go? You didn’t even know where you lived or if you had a cellphone. The best idea was to just stay put. Dabi climbs into his bed and shuffles under the blanket. You’re still standing a few feet from the bed, as much as yours and his wing span allow. His arm is floating above his head still attached to you, “Are you coming or what?” he retorts, you couldn’t really see him but you could hear it in his voice that he was liking this. 

“No way, I’ll sleep on the floor,” you started lowering yourself when Dabi yanks you into bed with him, catching you in his chest. It was honestly annoying how comfortable this was. Your head was under his chin and your arms were above your head, being used as pillows. Your eyes quickly got heavy and you could feel the sleep washing over you. Dabi adjusted the blanket so that it covered you both. 

“So, you don't want to be a brat anymore?” he chuckled slightly and you could feel his chest rise and fall beneath you. Your body was so worn out, and you were still so cold. Maybe from the loss of blood or maybe because your hair was still wet, you couldn’t decipher it. The only thing you knew was that Dabi was so warm. Your teeth started jittering uncontrollably. Dabi must’ve noticed because he took his free hand and set it on top of your bare thigh. You didn’t have any fight left in you to argue with him. Accepting your fate you nuzzled deeper into his chest, eliciting a blush from Dabi. “Here, I can help…” his voice slightly above a whisper sending chills down your spine. You weren’t sure what he meant but not too long after you felt heat radiate from his palm. Almost immediately you stopped jittering. This must be his quirk. You hum in comfort and cuddle deeper into Dabi’s chest without thinking.

As you close your eyes you could feel Dabi’s breathing start to steady, his free arm moved up until it was draped over your waist as he held you close to him. There was one question still stirring in your mind, “Hey…” you started, Dabi hummed in acknowledgment, “Was I a hero or a villain before I lost my memory?” there was a long pause, you figured he just fell asleep but then,

“You were a vigilante, that's why we had to kidnap you, you didn’t join us willingly” the lie rolled so smoothly off his tongue, he had you right where he wanted you. Like a mouse cornered by a snake. “Can any other questions wait until tomorrow?” 

“Sure, goodnight Dabi,” and just like that, he was out like a light. You followed suit and drifted soundly to sleep in his arms. 

The throbbing pain emitting from your skull wakes you up. There’s no telling what time of day it is. The room is still very dark but when your eyes finally adjust you notice a small amount of sun peaking through the black-out curtains at the end of the bed. You remember everything from yesterday but when you try to think of anything before that you are left with nothing but a pounding headache. You extend your arm to try and soothe the ache coming from your head when you realize you’re still handcuffed to a scarred and stapled hand. A loud thud from the bar pulls your attention and is followed by loud voices traveling down the hallway creating a doppler effect. To your surprise, when you look back over toward your wrist you see that Dabi was still sleeping. His face was directly in front of yours, he looked so blissful while he slept. It was as if all his pain was washed away. Letting your eyes trail down his body you see that your leg is draped over his waist and his hand is tightly holding the back of your thigh as if you’d disappear if he let go. Your cheeks felt like they were on fire. When you pulled your leg away Dabi jolted awake and sat up in bed, yanking you along with him. You were pulled into his lap and the two of you were tangled in the sheets. Ouch. The tension of the handcuff was starting to hurt your already bruised wrist causing you to wince in pain.

“I thought we were being attacked,” Dabi’s morning voice was hoarse and deep. He groaned as he rubbed his eyes awake, careful to not pull out his staples. He had tugged you close to him accidentally, close enough now to where your head is placed near his heart. His heart was racing. This made you feel bad for startling him. 

“I don’t know if we are, there was a loud bang and people yelling outside the door.” you retort, looking up at him and finally seeing those piercing blue eyes again. He looks down at you, meeting your eyes. His hair is all fluffy and messy. Despite that, he looks much more rested than yesterday, you wonder if you look rough or well-rested also. After seeing yourself in the mirror yesterday, you decided you didn’t want to know. Another loud thump coming from the bar causes Dabi to actually jump out of bed this time, dragging you along with him. This is when you notice that he is not wearing pants. He was just in black boxer shorts and a black tee. When did he take his pants off? There’s no time for questions as he pulls you within arm's length behind him, straining your already bruised wrist. Waddling behind his pale legs you keep having to catch yourself because you’re tripping over something. The blanket is bundled around your ankles and your free arm has the blanket wrapped around your torso. With all the commotion and Dabi not stopping, you figured it was easier to run with the blanket than try to untangle yourself. When you enter the bar you see Toga, the blonde girl from before standing on the bar top. There’s a man in a black and white skin-tight spandex suit trying to catch her. Her laugh fills the bar and you realize they’re playing tag. There’s a broken wine bottle on the floor which must’ve been one of the noises you heard from the bedroom. In the corner of the bar, you see who you now know to be the League’s leader, Shigaraki, sitting by himself sipping on something dark. Isn’t it the morning, why is he drinking so early? Well, I suppose there’s nothing better to do. There is a dark cloud figure with a purple aura behind the bar, they seem to be drying off glassware with a white rag. You’re a little confused by what they are, they’re dressed in a nice vest and black dress pants. Their neck is encapsulated in a metallic cone. Yellow eyes stare directly back at you. 

“Well, good morning love birds!” Toga sings with a sadistic grin creeping across her face. She then jumps off the bar top into the other league members' arms, he spins her around before setting her down. 

Dabi looks away from them, not wanting to acknowledge her comment. When you look down at your feet covered in a blanket and back at Dabi in boxers handcuffed to you, you realize this is suggesting only one thing.

“Oh, no, no, no, we didn’t…” you plead by shaking your hands, your eyes shifting back and forth from Toga to Shigaraki who looks like he does not care to be a part of this conversation. He is facing away from everything, quietly sipping his glass before setting it down on the table in front of him. His annoyance takes over and he gets up slowly to make his way over to you and Dabi.

“Oooo, someone’s in trouble” Toga adds, still smiling. 

You’re too nervous to look him in the eyes as he walks over to you both. His presence is menacing and makes you uneasy. He walks up to Dabi and speaks directly to him, completely ignoring your presence. You finally look over at him and for the first time you see his eyes and they are almost more piercing than Dabi’s, there’s so much pain and numbness behind them and you can feel every bit of it. They’re the opposite color of Dabi’s, a deep red, very fitting for someone like him. He doesn’t take his eyes off Dabi while he continues to ignore you. To your surprise, he doesn’t actually scare you despite the tear rolling down your face betraying your feelings. Shigaraki is a force to be reckoned with, you can feel the power radiating from him. The others must either fear him or know the destruction he can cause at a whim. He is also so much taller than you expected him to be, his stature making him that much more terrifying.

“Don’t blame her for any of this. I handcuffed her so I could finally get some sleep.” Dabi tsked and looked away from him annoyed, not actually wanting to say anything but instead he stood up for you. Shigaraki didn’t change anything about his position, his eyes panned their way to yours threatening you with just a look, a silent conversation between the two of you. He crept low to meet your ear, your breath escaping you when he got closer.

“I brought you here to heal my comrades, not fuck them.” his voice barely above a whiny but stern whisper and loud enough so that Dabi could hear. He sounded cold, this made you feel like you were already on his bad side and your eyes widened in worry. But, you do have a healing quirk? That confirms it. He stands to his full height once more equally as terrifying as before. Still handcuffed to Dabi, you wanted to wipe the tear that rolled down your cheek but you couldn’t.

This time Dabi raised his voice, startling you. “Who cares if we did,” He turns his body, done with this interrogation and ready to drag you back to the bedroom. He looks back at his leader over his shoulder, “You didn’t claim her, so what does it matter?” a small grin appears on his face, if you weren’t already looking at him you wouldn’t have noticed this in the tone of his voice. It almost feels like this is his way of laying claim to you now. First, before Shigaraki can.

“You’ll soon learn that everything here is mine,” Shigaraki replies nonchalantly before walking back over to his spot in the corner booth. It seems like he doesn’t care either way. You have no choice but to follow Dabi back to the bedroom, tripping over the blanket down the hallway once more. Holding the chain of the handcuff to keep the pressure off your wrist, you walk forward looking back, not taking your eyes off Shigaraki. Healing quirk? Everything here is his? Does he think you and Dabi had sex? Great. More confusing than just losing your memory.

When you enter Dabi’s bedroom once more you’re finally hit with the realization that you’re still attached to him. “Can you please unhandcuff me?” you ask flatly, standing in his room feeling small and confused. You’re not guilty of what Shigaraki made it seem like you were and for some reason now you were thinking about actually sleeping with Dabi. Would you? No, No, you shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. “Please,” you beg once more when you notice him just staring at you, this time you gave him a look of defeat.

“C’mon princess, why don’t we just sleep the rest of the day away?” he shrugs, his tone matching his seriousness. He slowly pulls you over to the bed with him using the shackles of the cuffs. You obey tiredly, not wanting or willing to fight him. The exhaustion sets on your face. “Fine, but if you try to run away just know... I’m fast,” Dabi looks at you with a soft gaze, his attempt at getting a laugh from you failed. Instead, he goes to rub your jaw where his boss left a mark last night but you yank away before he gets the chance. “I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to check your cut from yesterday,” he plays off your rejection so smoothly. He sits on the bed and you’re standing inches away from him. This time you let him grab your face, inspecting your head gash that he fixed up the night before. You have no reason not to trust him at the moment.

“Dabi, I can’t remember anything about who I was or how to use my quirk… I don't feel very useful... What should I do?” your voice comes out much smaller than you meant for it to, worry takes over your face and your eyes wet your cheeks. Dabi gently rubs your temple as you speak to him in such a pitiful way. He’s not trying to be sweet, really he isn’t, but for some reason, he is with you. His intrusive thoughts invade him. He wants to tell you everything will be okay and hold you until you feel better. He’s starting to notice how much of a toll you’re taking on him. That’s enough, he thinks. He jerks his hand away from your temple and pulls away from the physical touch completely. 

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” he tsks. He sounds annoyed now. “If I were in your shoes, I would see this as an opportunity to start over. Completely, with no regrets about the past. What have you always wanted to do?” he asks while staring at the wall. Anything to keep his eyes off of you at this moment. He spreads his legs and leans back in the bed, trying his best to keep his mind preoccupied. Your sniffles come to a stop while you ponder that question. What have you always wanted to do? That should be something written in your DNA, right? Something that would never change, no matter how few memories you have of yourself. While you’re thinking, you let your exhaustion take over and slide down to sit on your knees so that you’re almost positioned between Dabi’s legs. He must’ve noticed this because he releases a big sigh like he had been holding his breath. Dabi is frozen and doesn’t know what your intentions are.

“I’ve always wanted peace. I’m not sure if that’s a dumb answer but I’ve only ever wanted to bring about peace and protect people. The ones that can’t protect themselves anyways,” you say with wide glossy eyes, the passion of your statement seeping from your voice. The rehearsed line left your lips so easily as if it were a memory that was beaten into you without you even knowing. Like something your marketing team would tell you to say in an interview, like something that wasn’t true. After your little peace speech, your eyes meet Dabi’s who were already locked onto you. His gaze softened as if he were staring at a sleeping puppy. If you didn’t know any better you would think it was more in awe than in pity. He notices that he’s been looking at you far too long so he clears his throat and looks away. If his cheeks weren’t already covered in scars and staples, you would’ve gained a small blush from the man.

“You sound like a goody two shoes.” Dabi retorts, slapping his knees while simultaneously getting up off the bed. This signals you to leave the comfort of the floor and your comfortable spot in between his legs. The motion of standing up quickly really hurts your head. Your heartbeat pounds at the sides of your skull. “If we’re not going to go back to sleep then I’m leaving, I have to take care of some things anyways. I’ll bring you to Toga or Twice. They can watch you for the day,” his voice now monotone when he speaks, refusing to look at you. He moves in front of you and a pout crosses your face. He is the only one you can trust right now if you could even call it that. Dabi then reaches over your shoulder to grab the key out of the snake’s cage. You don’t turn around to follow his hand, instead, you watch his body and see that his black T-shirt is all worn out, probably from washing it and hanging it up to dry too many times, leaving the material stretched and wrinkled. The once v-neck of the shirt leaves his chest exposed showing off his equally scared and stapled chest. He is more defined than you thought he would be, his pecs and arms having more muscle than he lets off. Right above his right pec where his shoulder meets his clavicle you notice a large bruise right before the start of his scarred and stapled chest. You feel responsible for this injury but you don’t know why. Your face is burning up the longer you stare at him. In the back of your mind, you have the urge to get closer to him, to close the gap between your bodies. 

Dabi follows your eyes to his chest while uncuffing you from him, “Like I said, we could stay in bed all day princess,” his voice comes out gruff trying to break the tension. 

“Did I do this?” you ignore his comment, slowly raising your uncuffed hand to his chest to rub the bruise with your thumb.

“Yeah”

Dabi stares at you while you stare at the bruise.

“I’m sorry”

“No, don’t sweat it. I was the one kidnapping you, remember? I would’ve hurt me too. Plus, I think I owe you an apology for that gnarly head injury and erasing your memories…”

“No, no, it’s ok” you let a little bit of sadness sneak into your soft smile, “I am part of the league now so I should probably get to know the rest of its members and be a part of this group,” you practically ignored his apology. Part of you does want to crawl in bed with Dabi and just sleep the day away, after all, your head is pounding but it's smarter to start trying to figure out what you’re doing here and remember who you are. Maybe talking to someone other than Dabi will help.

Dabi drops you off at Toga’s room which is surprisingly cute despite how scary she can be. There are posters of boys all over her walls, no heroes though, mostly just boy bands. There are neon lights hanging around the room, a small tv, and even a few dying plants in the corner. There are even cute strawberry sheets on her bed that's covered in stuffed animals. You find her sitting down on the floor next to her bed painting her nails when you enter the room. The man you learned to be Twice is also on the floor next to her laying down on his stomach with both of his feet kicking in the air as he watches her paint her nails. You feel a little awkward especially since Dabi didn’t really introduce you, he sort of just pushed you in and disappeared.

“Oh, Medela! Come sit, I’ll paint your nails,” Toga’s signature creepy smile appears once again on her lips. She stands up and grabs your hand to guide you down to where they were sitting previously. You didn’t really have a choice so you sat down next to twice uncomfortably. Toga aggressively grabs your hand and starts painting your nails pink.

“Medela?” you ask, furrowing your eyebrows. 

“Togaaa, we weren’t supposed to tell her that...” Twice looked at her through his mask, “YES WE WERE!” He suddenly yells, causing you to jump back. “Sorry, that was the other me…” he returns to a normal voice and apologizes sweetly. You give him a fake smile and go back to looking at Toga.

She considers him for a moment and decides to look up at you instead, “Yeah, that's your hero name silly! Don’t you remember?” she says in a sing-songy voice moving onto your thumb. 

“No actually, I don’t..” you sigh loudly, more to yourself than to Toga. She doesn’t even seem to care about your answer because she goes on humming to herself as she sloppily paints a bright pink across your bitten nail beds. After your nails are done but still drying, Toga gets up to turn on a few lamps to illuminate her bedroom. It was getting dark outside so there was no more light coming from her window. The league must be on different sleep schedules because the day went by so fast, meaning you and Dabi probably woke up in the late afternoon. Twice left a little bit ago and Toga is staring blankly at the TV watching what looks like a romance anime. As you were staring at your nails, inspecting how poorly she painted them you heard a thud coming from the bar. You look at Toga in fear but she doesn’t even move a muscle, still glued to her TV. When you hear a second thud you get up quickly to go check it out, not really thinking about how earlier in the day the thuds were nothing but Toga and Twice playing tag. Maybe it's curiosity or maybe it's your second nature, but you were already halfway down the hallway when you heard a man’s voice. Something about it seemed familiar, almost like you had heard it in a recording before but you couldn’t remember.

“The word hero has lost all meaning in this society, the world is overrun by fakes and criminals like you who chase petty dreams,” you reach the end of the hall and can no longer tell what the man is saying but then you recognize Shigaraki’s voice so you pull back slightly at the curtain in the doorway between the bar and the hall, trying not to be seen or heard. You can hardly see past the booths, but what you do see is a tall figure with a white mask over his eyes and a long red bandana tied to his forehead pinning down Shigaraki with what looks like an old katana. The katana is going through Shigaraki’s shoulder and this makes your eyes widen, he’s hurting him. 

“It seems we have opposing goals,” Shigaraki’s voice comes out breathy, confirming that he was hurt. He goes to grab the katana with his bare hands making you flinch at the sight. He needs help, he's getting desperate. Maybe you can distract the perpetrator? 

“Stop, you’re killing him!” you bust through the curtain, not really sure what to do from here but you're hoping maybe one of the others will come running if they hear. Shigaraki rolls his head back to look at you through the hand covering his face. The man hovering over him looks up at you and pulls out another bladed weapon. 

“You had a hero here the whole time? I thought you hated heroes as much as I do,” he said to Shigaraki while taking you in, you weren’t in your hero costume but he recognized your face. “Now you’re a tricky one, but alas, you’re still nothing but a false hero,” he runs at you and you have to think quickly so you take off towards the bar, to maybe use the bar top to your advantage. You’re still looking at Shigaraki who realizes what's happening and lays his final finger down on the blade that is still impaled in his chest. The blade that was so deep in his chest cavity dissipates and turns to dust. With wide eyes you finally understand why everyone is so scared of him, he completely dusted the sword. He would’ve been completely fine fighting this strange man by himself. You shouldn’t have intervened. As you’re piecing this puzzle together you jump on top of the bar, the man who is chasing you swings his sword, and you duck, causing him to hit the bar top with his blade, the wood splinters and flies everywhere. He jumps on the counter to get closer to you so you run and jump to a booth across from the bar trying your hardest to get away from him. You don’t have any weapons and this man is trying to kill you, it sucks that you can't remember what your quirk is. A dead end, you’re cornered, and for some reason you picked the corner booth with nowhere else to go. Probably because you were distracted by Shigaraki’s quirk. You contemplate going back the way you came but you would be greeted with the man’s sword and to your left is a wall. Great, you’re going to die because you can’t remember how to fight. What the fuck do you do now? Standing on top of the table prepared to fight back in order to survive as if your fight or flight response is finally kicking in. When you turn around to face the bar, the strange man is positioning his sword, ready to take flight with a jump and go for the kill. Your body tenses and you’re ready for what happens when suddenly Shigaraki steps between the both of you with his back facing you. He’s bleeding out slowly, both of his shoulders are covered in blood and it's starting to soak his shirt. He held his arms out to defend you. The movement of his arms makes him whimper softly in pain. He no longer had the hand covering his face, he abandoned it on the ground where he was laying only moments ago. 

Shigaraki chuckles, his laugh breathless and manic. “Hero Killer Stain,” he moves his palm to position it in front of the man attacking you. “Touch her” he pauses to take a small breath, “and I will destroy you,” he stands up straight and takes a step back closing the gap between him and the table you’re standing on. 

The hero killer steps off the bar and sheaths his sword. “Oh I see, so you’re a traitor to the heroes then, so tell me what cause do you fight for?” he grins, excited about you possibly having the same ideals as him. 

“My cause,” Shigaraki hisses without giving you a moment to respond. He sounds irritated which you’re now learning is probably just a personality trait of his. “I think it's about time you leave, don’t you? Kurogiri, take this guy back…” The warp villain creates a portal in front of the hero killer and he accepts his dismissal.

“Fine. Just don’t get in my way,” he states coldly without looking back at you or Shigaraki.

You take a moment to catch your breath and jump down from the table. Shigaraki hunches over in pain and Kurogiri excuses himself to gather some bandages. “Thanks for not letting him kill me, I thought I was done for,” you shyly cross your arms at your wrists fidgeting with the still-wet paint on your nails that Toga messed up. It dawns on you that you’re now alone with the leader. He doesn’t reply and walks over to the barstool taking a seat at the bar. You don’t want to pry but you feel like you should at least assess his wounds, especially since Kurogiri is taking forever. “Can I see how bad they are?” you speak out to him once more, not actually expecting a verbal response from him this time.

“Do you remember how to use your quirk?” he didn’t look at you when he said this but for once he didn’t sound completely annoyed with you and his voice came out soft. He must really be in pain. 

“No,” you give him a short reply, taking a seat on the barstool to the left of him.

“Then no,” his voice still soft but not as gentle as a moment ago. He takes a sip from his glass that somehow survived the bar fight. He was staring at nothing in particular but was still facing away from you. You watched him shakily take another sip of his dark liquor, missing his mouth a bit causing it to drip down his chin. This is the first time you’ve actually been able to look at him without any distractions. His nose was sharp and his skin was pale and dry. He had a small scar across his lips that paired with a beauty mark to the right of his bottom lip. On top of that, he also had a really defined jawline. His light, gray-blue hair fell perfectly to the sides of his face, only covering parts of his eyes, and framing his face in a way that complimented his cheekbones. In this bar lighting, he almost looked handsome which totally puzzled you. He is not what you expected from the leader of a villainous organization. 

“It’s worth a try, what if I remember at the sight of blood?” you giggle a bit not even meaning to, you’re just so nervous. This elicited a teeny-tiny smile from the big, bad leader. If you weren’t already staring at him you would’ve missed it so you’re so glad you were. Where his smile ends, he had a little dimple at the corner of his mouth. You’re not sure if many people get to see this side of him so it almost felt precious.

“Fine, but it better not sting,” he downs the rest of his liquor and swings his bar stool to finally face you. You’re now sitting face to face which brings heat to your cheeks and you can’t help but avoid eye contact. When he shifts closer your mouth twitches and you’re trying so hard not to appear as nervous as you are. He brings his body even closer to you and pulls down his long sleeve black shirt at the collar, just enough for you to see the front of his stab wound. It was as bad as it looked. You squirm at the thought of the sword stabbing him. 

“Your quirk is honestly really cool,” you comment slightly above a whisper. Then you inspect his chest by bringing your hands to his clavicle and pull at the skin lightly to see how deep it is. He shivers at the touch of your cold hands causing you to pull back a little to be more gentle. 

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you still had your memory,” his whiny tone returns, and his voice cracks a little, revealing his vulnerable side.

“Hold still,” you ignore his previous comment, and instead you really focus on trying to use your quirk. It can’t be that hard, can it? Muscle memory and quirks have to go hand in hand, right? Shigaraki stares at you as you close your eyes and enter a meditative state, curiosity plastered across his face. Your bare hands are still on his shoulder and he isn’t sure how to feel about it. He doesn’t really receive much physical touch and since he doesn’t have the best control over his quirk he usually avoids situations like this. While you’re channeling your quirk he takes this moment to fully take you in. His eyes scan over your entire body, head to toe. You’re still in Toga’s cute yellow shorts with little strawberries on them. To Shigaraki it looks like you don’t have pants on, just an oversized black T-shirt which is probably Dabi's or Twice’s, he thinks. This turns his face red so he quickly retracts his eyes from your thighs. He scans your knees which are covered in bruises. This is probably from your battle with Dabi and his Nomu when he had them kidnap you. Maybe he should feel bad about this, he thinks. He lets himself linger on the thought of you fighting Dabi, angrily with haste spilling from your teeth. For some reason, he can’t imagine you in fight mode, using everything you’ve got on the battlefield especially since you just ran from the fight with Stain. Still thinking about your fight with Dabi, he finds it odd that you guys seem so friendly with each other now. He doesn’t like it but he won’t admit it. His eyes finally reach your face again and it's all scrunched up like you’re really trying to remember how to use your quirk. He finds this humorous and for the second time that night he smiles, it’s small, almost nonexistent but it's still there. Your eyes open and instead of the eyes he’s stared into before, Shigaraki is met with two glowing white irises. Your hair starts floating as if you were suspended under water. Shigaraki freezes as you get closer to his face. You shut your eyes and as if it were instinctual you go to place your forehead on his. He pulls back a little at first but thinks he probably shouldn’t move so he allows you to fall into him. He scrunches up his face thinking it would feel like a headbutt. Instead, he is met with the sweet smell of your lips only a few inches away from his own. You smell like strawberries, he thinks. It almost felt like you paused time making him feel ethereal and calm for the first time in his life. It takes a moment but you heal both of his shoulder wounds. “Woah, I did it,” you practically squeak in excitement. 

He rolls his shoulders back fully testing out the range of motion. His pain was gone, you even managed to heal some of the cuts on his neck from frantically itching earlier that night. “So you did,” he acknowledged your excitement but didn’t go as far as saying thank you. He felt weird after being in such close proximity. “Okay, we’ve had our fun,” Shigaraki stands up and positions his shirt back to normal, “I’m going to bed.” without even as much as a glance at you he starts heading to the back of the bar. 

“Wait!” you shout, trying to stop him. Part of you craves attention that he refuses to give you. You’re not sure why but you chase him. He’s already almost in front of the curtain so when you catch up to him you reach out to grab his wrist. Bad Idea. Shigaraki doesn’t like the sudden physical touch and swings around to grab your neck, once he has you he’s not being careful about laying all five fingers down. You gulp when you remember this is the hand he used to dust Stain’s sword. He still doesn’t trust you. Of course he doesn’t, why would he? Your efforts to heal him were pointless. You’re right back where you started this “relationship” with him, or whatever you want to call it. You’re suspended in the air and losing oxygen quickly. You try to loosen his grip by clawing at his forearms. The way he’s staring at you is different than before though, almost like he doesn’t want to be aggressive with you right now even though he is. That’s gotta mean something, right?

“Shi-Shigaraki, please,” you plead as much as you can with the little amount of oxygen in your lungs. There’s sweat rolling off his forehead, you think that he is really contemplating ending your life right here. 

“Hey, let her go,” a familiar voice was coming from the front door. Dabi. Thank god, he’s back. You’re so thankful you could cry. “Right now or I will light your ass up,” he threatens again when Shigaraki doesn’t immediately let you go. The league's leader tilts his head at you like a curious dog, his angry eyes replaced with wonder when he sees that your eyes are glowing again. Why are your eyes glowing again? When he looks down at his hand around your throat he sees all five of his fingers making contact. He didn’t even mean to almost dust you, he really didn’t. He freezes, this time he listens to Dabi and releases you from his death grip. You drop to your knees and cough until your lungs allow air back into them. While you’re desperately sucking in air, your eyes return to their normal color. Shigaraki doesn’t help you up, instead he turns on his heel and leaves the room through the curtain. 

“She shares a room with Toga from now on.” The leader doesn’t say another word in his exit. Neither you or Dabi acknowledge him either.

“What the hell was that about?” Dabi walks over to you and kneels down to meet your gaze. 

“He doesn’t like being touched I guess,” you retort and your eyes meet his. His eyes look red and there's dried blood below his scars. You wonder what happened to him while he was gone. 

“No, not that... he’s always like that, I mean your eyes,” he looks at you in wonder, “they were glowing,” Dabi must’ve not known who you were as a hero because your quirk came as a surprise to him. 

“Oh, I activated my quirk to heal Shigaraki,” you replied nonchalantly as you dusted your knees off to stand up.

“Does that mean you got your memory back?” he asks lowly while running his hands through his hair. He’s still kneeled on the ground so you’re now standing above him. He looks kind of small at this angle, not like his usual dangerous self.

“No,” you sigh, it was honestly getting quite annoying not being able to remember anything. “My quirk came rushing back when I needed it so I’m hoping my memory does the same soon,” your voice trails off when you watch Dabi rise to his full height. He has a bag in his right hand that’s hidden partially behind his back. “What’s that?” you ask while leaning over to get a better look. He pulls the bag further behind him and hands it to you.

“Ah, ah, ah, it’s a surprise,” he cockily holds his arm out in front of you signaling you to back up so you do. You hold your arms behind your back swaying your feet excited to see what he brought back for you. “Toga didn’t have any more clothes to spare,” he’s taking too long to get to the point and you’re not a super patient person. “I’m not the best at picking out clothing for others but,” he finally hands you the bag and you excitedly shuffle through it trying not to be extremely loud. It was a big black trash bag filled with clothes. Some women's clothes and some were men’s clothing. You’re realizing now he must’ve stolen these, which honestly you didn’t really want to know if they were clean or not. Either way, it was a sweet gesture. 

“Thank you,” you smile sweetly at him and in return he looks away rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeah, whatever, don’t mention it,” he takes the bag back from you and throws it over his shoulder. He turns to walk out of the bar and so you follow suit. “I guess no more handcuffed sleepover’s for us princess.”

“Yeah,” you chuckle and continue walking down the hall to Toga’s room. Something about sleeping doesn’t sound too bad after the day you’ve had. You had such a weird encounter with Shigaraki. He could’ve killed you if you didn’t activate your quirk in time. Thinking back to his hands around your neck, you remember the tingling feeling his fingertips left behind. His quirk was working against yours, like a dominance battle to see whose quirk would give in first. You couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of his hands around your neck. Little did you know, Shigaraki couldn’t stop thinking about it either. That was the first time he was nullified by the person he was dusting. There obviously was the time where pro hero Eraser Head nullified his quirk but it was when he was attempting to dust someone else. This was different. He laid in his bed staring up at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. When he couldn’t think about anything else, he pulled out one of hands from behind his head and reached for the ceiling holding it out in front of him. He examined his hand and noticed something by his wrist so he pulled his arm closer to his face, it was a smear of pink nail polish. The same pink nail polish Toga put on your nails earlier in the night. Shigaraki’s face went red but he didn’t try to scrape off the paint. Instead he held his hands over his stomach and drifted to sleep, thinking about your forehead pressed to his.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 10/17/2023

In a shocking turn of events, I am still working on Ductwork. I actually made some significant progress this week, or at least they feel significant to me. The main thing is that I have finished Chapter One. Now, usually, I am very good at starting a fanfic, and I'll churn out the first chapter as the first thing I do. In this case, though, I wanted to stick a flashback in somewhere early on, maybe Chapter One, maybe somewhere else. I couldn't decide, and also, I didn't really want to deal with it, so I skipped that and left a bunch of To-Dos there instead. Eventually, I decided to do this in the hardest way possible, which is to chop the flashbacks up into a thousand little flashbacks and alternate between real-time scenes and flashback scenes. I am also alternating narrators, so basically it goes Rukia-real time, Rukia-flashback, Renji - real time, Renji - flashback, etc. Byakuya starts getting narration at some point, I'll deal with that when I get to it. The important thing is that I now have a thing that could pass as a first chapter. I have about half of Chapter 2 done, as well. I have two flashbacks to write, and two scenes that I've already written that I need to copy over and make sure they still fit (at least one of them is going to need some fixes.)

The only one of the documents I worked on this week was the Clean, Contiguous Version, which now stands at 12,443 words. That's an increase of 5,523, but some of that was a scene I had already written (although, to be fair, it required some significant edits, which worked out, because there was a lot about it that I didn't like). My actual words for this week was about 4,348, which is very good!! It's more than 4000, the completely arbitrary number I have decided is a good amount of words to write in a week.

Also, yesterday, I pulled out that smut I was writing a few weeks ago and wrote 1,637 words on that, as well. It's basically done, but it needs to be edited pretty badly, and I should really try to make the ending better. I sort of shoved it aside into "don't look at it" space for a few days to marinate. It's kinda weird and I'm not sure if anyone will like it. At some point in writing it, I realized I could write it one way and it would be Nicer and More Normal and probably get more likes, but then I decided to let Rukia be rowdy, instead. I always question why I bother posting these things, but then I go ahead and do it anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think I'm actually going to experiment with making a pseud and moving all my smut to the pseud. It just feels better organized to me, and I just really don't like having all my gnarly pornos mixed in with my regular ones on my works page. I don't think this should be disruptive to anything, but if it is, I apologize in advance.

Speaking of objectifying Renji, I did my yearly pin-up last week (it's autumnal instead of summery!) I don't love how it came out, but it wasn't getting any better the more I worked on it, and it was already kind of a lot of work. I still think it shows progress compared to previous years' efforts, which is kind of impressive considering how little drawing I've done this year. I feel like I need to go back and do a study in how to draw faces again, but I appear to be Back on my Writing Bullshit for once, and I'm just trying to keep up my momentum on that for as long as I can.

[inherstars]

Gears of War | Unknown Issue (4 of 5)

Gotta leave for lunch soon, but here's a bit more. Both of these people just need a fucking hug. Previous section here.

Scylla’s throat tightened with a logjam of questions, a breath she couldn’t let out, but she held it all in check.  Marcus wouldn’t look at her, continuing to turn the scrapbook pages, but he got out at least one word, choked around the stricture of emotion.

“...Eat.”

She dug into the sandwich again, needing something to do besides sit there and gawp at him.  It took a long time for him to speak again, sorting slowly through the snippets and snapshots and sketches of her life.

“Where have you been all this time?,” he growled.  “Why did you wait this long?”

“I was at New Hope,” she got out between bites.  “I was their ward until I turned eighteen.  Six months ago I bought a train ticket out here.  I’d spent a year trying to track down if you were still alive and, if you were, where I might find you.  And that information wasn’t easy to come by, let me tell you.”

A grunt. “That’s by design.”

“...anyway.  With the money I had left after the ticket, I bought that bike.  Rented a room in a boarding house.  Now I work in a cafe in town.  Sometimes I pick up shifts at the thrift shop, they give me a discount on clothes and stuff.”

Just for a second the blue of his eyes caught the light as he looked at her.

“That bike’s gotta go.”

She sat up, unexpectedly offended.

“I like my bike.”

“You’re not riding that thing uphill when winter gets here.”  

Scylla’s head was spinning. When had this even become a debate?  And the only uphill from town was here.

Marcus reminded her, “You didn’t answer my question.”

But the answer wasn’t that easy to articulate.  She took a break to eat more of her sandwich, though her internal alarms were starting to sound about the amount of room she had left inside.

“It’s a complicated answer.”  She adjusted her fingers on the soft cushion of bread, trying to piece the explanation out in a way he’d understand.  “When Anya… when she signed into the program at the clinic, there was language in the paperwork about what would happen to the baby’s remains if it didn’t survive, or was stillborn.  For research, I guess.  I’m about as familiar with legal jargon as I am medical, but technically I was stillborn.  Until I wasn’t.  In the absence of a mother, and further instructions, I became their property.”  She shrugged, but limply.  “So… pretty recently, that was just how I was raised.  As a ward of the facility.  Lots of genetic testing, bloodwork, studies.” He stopped turning pages and looked at her, squarely this time.

“No foster parents?”

“No fixed ones, no.  I had a private room. A tutor.  Sometimes, somebody or another took me home for an extended holiday, if they didn’t have staff to mind me at the facility. But no one I got attached to.”  More quietly she admitted, “...no one that got attached to me.”

He leaned forward, frustration rising in his voice.

“Why the fuck didn’t you come find me before now?”

Scylla started to answer and stopped.  Her mouth shut quickly, and she looked tightly away, sitting back in her chair.  The curve of her jaw hardened as she clenched it, trying not to cry.

Fuck, he was bad at this.  He’d always been bad at this.  If ever he’d had the capacity to be soft, life had strip-mined it from him long ago.

With a growling sigh his attention returned to the scrapbook, flipping another page aggressively.

More photographs.  These were different, however: perfect squares on matte white cardstock, clinical in execution and presentation.  There were twelve altogether, arranged across a two-page spread, two by three.  At first he mistook them for mugshots, the central figure in each one posed to stand in front of a white wall with black lines demarcating height by feet and inches.

It was Scylla in the pictures, he realized.  From age one through twelve, one snapshot for each year.  Year one required the assistance of two hands from off-frame holding her upright, her eyes owlish, expression confused.  Age two through five almost looked like normal school photos, if not for the height chart.  She stood on her own, dressed in a plain white undershirt and leggings, smiling in that exaggerated, gap-toothed way of all small children who don’t really understand why they’re being made to look in a camera.  She held a stuffed toy in one of them.

Six years old, and the smile was gone.  The eyes she gave the photographer were wary, as if she’d just been scolded.

Seven, eight, nine.  There was no life left in this child. No light in her eyes.  She couldn’t be scolded or bribed to look at the camera.

Ten, eleven.  She was so thin.  Listless.  A hand had to be reintroduced to the photo to push her upright to the correct height.

Something changed when she was twelve.  There was life in her again, but it wasn’t joyful.  They were his eyes burning out of her face, under dark brows, with a rage he finally, instantly, unquestioningly recognized.  Her fists were clenched at her sides, little fingernails cutting into her palms, shoulders rolled angrily forward.

That’s my daughter, he thought.  He’d never been more certain of anything in his life.

Marcus closed the book quietly.

“...what did they do to you when you were twelve years old?”

But the girl in front of him was a reflection of her eleven year old self: thin, listless, slightly slouched, as if she needed a hand to push her upright.  Her eyes found him only tiredly, with an ache he felt in his gut.

“When I was little, I asked them who my father was, and if I could meet him.  I asked for years.  When I was around… seven, I guess?  They told me it was you, but… they said you’d signed away rights to me when I was born.  That you weren’t interested, when you found out it was a girl.  And because I’d killed your wife.”

She sat up straighter, smoothing her hands outward along the table’s edge.  “When I was twelve I finally realized that was probably a lie.  That a lot of what they’d told me might have been a lie.  That you might not even know I existed at all.”

Her eyes sheened, and she was back to twelve.  Welled up with rage, though not at him.“...look,” she whispered.  “I know this is not what you were expecting, and it may not be what you want, and it’s… it’s okay if you want to turn me away and never see me again.  I spent years steeling myself for that, but I need to know. I just need to know how much of that is true.  If you knew about me… if you didn’t want me.  And if not, why.”  Scylla shook her head at him, staring down the wide shock of his eyes, unwilling to be cowed by his emotion or her own.  “We don’t have to fight about it.  But I need to know.”

Continued here.

[sorcerobe]

Post Mortem

I really do not like to talk about my relationship with my ex, my accuser, because I refuse to let what I went through define me, but the truth is that it was an abusive relationship and I was the victim. My ex was demanding and controlling and repeatedly berated, humiliated, and isolated me. She broke down my psyche over years until I was unable to make any decisions or take any actions without her explicit direction. I was completely reliant on her to tell me what to do and completely unable to think for myself. It got to the point that shortly before she left me, I couldn’t even select a youtube video to watch together without bursting into tears from the stress of having to make a decision and the worry that she would judge me for it. I would spend hours in the bathroom just crying and trying to put myself together to face her in a positive way. she repeatedly manipulated and controlled my behavior with threats of breaking up, self harm or even suicide if I didn’t conform to what she demanded of me. 

I moved to a country where I knew nobody and didn’t speak the language just to be with her and keep her safe. She wounded her hand and went to work without stopping the bleeding, got so drunk that she vomited and collapsed in a public bathroom and very nearly jumped in front of a train if not for my begging her to reconsider over the phone. This was when I promised to live with her. I took care of her cats for two years. I spent hours thoroughly cleaning our apartment every day at her request. I cooked meals for us almost every day. I did all of this gladly, I was genuinely glad that I was with her and could do these things for her. But my efforts were never enough and lead to constant berating by my ex. 

I have a skin condition that makes me break out in hives in response to humidity and she was convinced that I was actually covered in an invisible fungus and was spreading it over the apartment despite a total lack of evidence of this, and to combat this for months alongside cleaning she required me to take multiple daily showers and spray myself all over with hydrogen peroxide, which is a mild bleaching agent. I think the period where I was doing this has caused permanent damage to my skin, but I went along with it because I wanted her to feel safe.

She was convinced that everyone in our friend circle was one step away from “betraying” her at every turn. Even the most innocuous actions would be interpreted as proof of this and nothing I could say or show would convince her otherwise, and she did her best to preemptively destroy any friendship I had because of this. This is not even to get into the way she tried to take over my career. I could fill pages and pages with anecdotes but it’s pointless. At this point people will believe what they believe.

When her career in Japan didn’t pan out because she was too sick to work, we moved back in with my family in Toronto. My parents were growing concerned with the relationship as they could see what it was doing to me, but they made every attempt to accomodate her needs and were nothing but helpful. I loved her and tried to do everything I could to be what she wanted but I just wasn’t able to do it. I wasn’t able to quit my career as a game developer as she demanded. I wasn’t able to abandon all of my friends & family as she demanded. These were all things that she saw as a requirement for us to continue our relationship, and ultimately they were why she left me. And, as best I can discern, because I have still not abandoned these aspects of myself, they are why she continued to try to quite literally ruin my life. She wanted to ensure that fight knight never came out, she wanted all of my years of work to amount to nothing to prove to me that I was nothing without her.

It’s been over two years since we separated, and almost a year now since she made her accusations in an attempt to ruin the launch of my game. unfortunately  her actions opened a lot of old wounds that had only just begun to heal. I know her to be someone who never lets go of a grudge to anyone who she believes wronged her, and in her mind, truth doesn’t seem to matter, as long as people “get what they deserve”. And she’s surrounded herself with people who enable that behaviour and never push back on it in any way. I can identify this easily because I used to be one of the people in her circle doing just that. I don’t hate those people. I understand the situation they’re in. They want to believe that she is a good person, that she’s just had three decades of incredible bad luck and all she needs are some real friends to turn her life around. I wanted to believe that too, more than anything. I put my life on hold for almost three years and gave her everything I had to try to prove that to the world.

I genuinely don’t want anything bad to come her way. I hope she gets the help and support she truly needs to move on from this and I hope she finds happiness. But this is not that. This is pure vindictive malice. It’s completely unjust and wrong. I am a flawed human being like anyone else on the planet but I did not do the things she accused me of, and she knows this. I have proven that she’s lied repeatedly about everything she claims about me. She repeatedly opportunistically changes her story in ways that contradict herself and the evidence to try to keep up this charade, and she knows she’s lying, but she doesn’t care, she thinks I deserve this anyways. 

Well, I don’t deserve it. I refuse to bend even a single degree to the pressure of people with nothing better to do with their lives than to try to ruin mine. I am innocent.

Thank you for reading.

[quarkscooljacket]

13 books

What’s up readers?! How about a little show and tell? Answer these 13 questions, tag 13 lucky readers and if you’re feeling extra bookish add a shelfie! Let’s Go!

Tagged by @softest-punk

1) The Last book I read:

Foster by Claire Keegan, which is what the movie An Cailín Ciúin was based on. It's only 70 pages (though I listened to the audio, which has a stunning narration) and I think I am in love with Claire Keegan maybe.

The last australian book I read was Witchy (vol 1+2) by Ariel Ries. Really fun comic about young witch Nyneve who is conscripted into the Witch Guards, runs away, and has to figure out her place in the world. Beautiful art!!

2) A book I recommend:

This year I finally read A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett, which is a collection of short stories about trans women living in Canada/the US. Every story felt so lived in and alive. It is mostly real-life stuff but there is one story where a woman can speak with her cat and it's done so well. Semi-related stories in that some of the characters know each other/mention each other. A trans classic!!!

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

Birnam Wood by Eleanor Catton. Set in Aotearoa, centred around these two young women who run a guerilla gardening collective. one of them meets a billionaire who wants to give them a bunch of money. Now see the blurb told me it was an eco thriller but the thriller part is very slow burn until ur like JAYSUS SLOW DOWN.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

I re-read the Southern Reach trilogy (Annihilation, Authority & Acceptance) by Jeff VanderMeer at the end of last yr because he accounced the fourth book. I just love them. The kind of spec fic I would love to write tbh.

5) A book on my TBR:

Praiseworthy by Alexis Wright. I bought it because I knew i was quitting my job and I wanted the staff discount and I thought I'd read it in my unemployment phase. Turns out quitting your job because you're horribly treated means that u enter a big extra-depressed phase so I did not have the brain space to read more than the first 25 pages. But i loved those, they just required more energy than I had. I'm gonna paste the blurb here actually because it just sounds fucken rad:

Praiseworthy is an epic set in the north of Australia, told with the richness of language and scale of imagery for which Alexis Wright has become renowned. In a small town dominated by a haze cloud, which heralds both an ecological catastrophe and a gathering of the ancestors, a crazed visionary seeks out donkeys as the solution to the global climate crisis and the economic dependency of the Aboriginal people. His wife seeks solace from his madness in following the dance of butterflies and scouring the internet to find out how she can seek repatriation for her Aboriginal/Chinese family to China. One of their sons, called Aboriginal Sovereignty, is determined to commit suicide. The other, Tommyhawk, wishes his brother dead so that he can pursue his dream of becoming white and powerful. This is a novel which pushes allegory and language to its limits, a cry of outrage against oppression and disadvantage, and a fable for the end of days.

6) A book I’ve put down:

A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske. I just simply do not care about rich English people. I had about an hour left of the audiobook, I rly tried to push thru but I just couldn't care enough.

7) A book on my wish list:

I would like to get a physical Irish-English dictionary!

8) A favorite book from childhood:

I did love Enid Blyton's Faraway Tree series which look I'm sure u can tell about me if you know me. And look I still do but my god. The amount of parents and parents buying these for their children at the shop for the love of god get them at the op shop PLEASE.

9) A book you would give to a friend:

Vague ............ well it would be something aus.

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own

The last one I bought was Non-Essential Work by Omar Sakr. I think Omar is one of the best writers working today in this godforsaken colony. HIs work is just exquisite and so precise.

11) A nonfiction book you own:

The last one I bought was Orientalism by Edward Said which made me realise how if you don't read anything academic in ten+ years it's very hard to get back into reading (or again, perhaps it is the horrible mental illnesses attacking my brain which mean I find it extremely hard to concentrate on anything!!! wahoo!!!!) so I am taking that one slow.

12) What are you currently reading:

Ghost Cities by Siang Lu which comes out in May. It's very funny and absurd and written just the way I like. It's about a dude who lives in Sydney and works as a Chinese translator, but he actually speaks no Chinese and uses google translate to do his job. He's fired via elaborate prank and then somehow gets the attention of a famous movie director, and is currently being whisked away to one of the ghost city apartment complexes in China to make a movie with him. There's a parallel story about an ancient emperor and I just finished the 30-page poem that his newly-imprisoned eunichs composed. It's exciting!!

13) What are you planning on reading next?

The Orphancorp trilogy (dystopian aus YA) by Marlee Jane Ward, which I have already read and simply adore. Three novellas that imo have perfect pacing and are about "what if capitalism was extra bad". They are deeply queer and anti-capitalist.

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