#okay I'm going to force myself to at the very least look at the doc without looking at tumblr or my phone for... 15 minutes minimum

[filet-o-feelings]

okay, I opened the doc... what next?

(counting this as my inspiration Saturday... it's more of plea for inspiration but it's what I'm working with. Anyway, thanks for the tags @hippolotamus and @lemonlyman-dotcom 🥰)

[heartfulselkie]

1, 6, 9, 10 for Citrus and Lavender and Bell The Cat

Give a 5-word summary of this chapter/fic.

Hmm since these are both long fics I decided to do a summary of the upcoming chapters I've been working on. 5 words really isn't a lot lol

Bell the Cat: Chat has nightmares. Ladybug's tired.

Citrus and Lavender: Adrien really needs to eat.

6. Does this chapter/fic have any twists that you’re proud of?

I think that the "twists" of these fics are fairly predictable for the readers. I'm still really excited about them though and hope my readers can enjoy them too even if they can see what's going on before the characters do.

9. What is your favorite dialogue you’ve written so far?

Hmm i did have to think about this but for Citrus and Lavender it has to be this scene from Ch. 34:

Marinette almost choked on the gasp that escaped her. Her hand instinctively clutched Chat Noir’s at his side, hiding his ring under her grasp as she squeezed. “We can’t do that! This Miraculous belongs to Chat just as much as the earrings belong to me! No one else is more suited to it!” She glared at Master Fu as tears threatened to return to her eyes. “You said that Chat Noir had the makings of a hero, he only needed a chance to make that choice. Well he made it! He chose to save me! More than once! Maybe now we can finally be the Ladybug and Chat Noir you intended us to be! And I want to give him that opportunity."

Marinette still can't admit what feelings she may or may not have toward Chat Noir, but she can't deny the lengths he has gone through. As much as she's tried to remain stubborn about his "villainy", she now fully believes in his potential to be a hero and is ready to fight tooth and nail to defend him for that.

Meanwhile for Bell the Cat one of my favourite dialogues is completely opposite in tone. I just love this exchange between Ladybug and Chloe in Ch. 2:

"Your map is wrong,” Chloe cut in abruptly. Ladybug blinked. “Pardon?” Tapping a perfectly manicured finger on the paper terrain before her, Chloe pointed out the ink that formed the city. “This is wrong. Gaul is in the wrong place.” She gave a haughty laugh. “Everyone knows Gaul is the centre of Gallia.”

It's just so very "Chloe" to me that she's the princess, but has no idea on the actual geography of her own country. Meanwhile Ladybug is both horrified and baffled by this because surely Chloe isn't that dumb. But Chloe thinks the world revolves around her so where she lives has to be the centre of the universe.

10. What is the last line of dialogue you’ve written?

My Citrus and Lavender WIP doc is a little messy currently but I think this was the last dialogue I added into it?

"Adrien," Emilie cooed. Her hand left his head, instead moving to lift his chin so that he was forced to look at her. "You want to stay with me, don't you? You wouldn't leave me here by myself." A sharp pain continued to throb behind his eyes. He knew he wanted to go out, but he found that desire becoming quickly stifled. It felt like his lungs were quickly filled with a viscous mud, closing his throat off to any and all words except his weakly uttered, "Okay, Maman." Emilie's features finally warmed as she smiled at him. "That's my boy."

My Bell the Cat WIP doc is also a mess lol but I think this is technically the last dialogue I added even though its somewhere in the middle of the chapter

"I saved your life today!" Ladybug snapped. Chat Blanc's lips curled in a mocking smirk, but his voice was nothing but a snarl. "I have nine lives and you want me to thank you for saving one of them?" "A normal person would be at least a little grateful!" "Am I a normal person?" Ladybug hesitated at his blunt question. She stared into the frozen depth of his eyes as he glared at her, and any words she might have had were bitten away by his frost. He took her silence as answer enough. "I thought so," he hissed.

wip ask game

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Test Results

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

Two Sundays in a row I've woken to an amazing breakfast and then Emmett has made me another even though he spent at least five minutes this morning kicking and bitching at his fridge that was making a really scary sound. 

Afterwards I attended mass.

It's a lovely way to spend a morning.

If I just worked some gym time into my weekend I'd be all set but I'm still squeezing it in on mornings I wake up at home.

Besides, does propping my ass up in the air count as pilates? 

Maybe. 

My cell-phone rings as soon as I've taken off my pants and I have to dig for it.

Em looks slightly disappointed that he'll have to wait for his kiss but it's my Dad.

I hold my finger up.

"Hey Dad."

"Hey Finnegan, Dr. McClarren gave me your results at mass this morning, want me to open it for you or just send them along?"

He's telling me he'd like to know what it says in his unassuming way.

I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life who care about my well-being, even if it is annoying at times.

"Go ahead and open it."

"Received results from Johns Hopkins yadda yadda scans and appointment on Monday, all clear. Looks good son, iron looks good, skin swab came back fine, no abnormalities on the scans or blood work."

"Good."

I give Emmett a thumbs up.

"Hey, could you just snap a picture and send it to me?"

Maybe it'll do Emmett good to have it in black and white, sort of.

"Of course, no problem. Hey, heard back from Taiwan, deal is a go. Good job, son."

"I thought it would go through, nice to have a more conscientious supplier in the chain."

"That it is.  Well I'll let you go, we're about to sit down to brunch."

They always have a huge meal after mass, I'm not surprised he called me as soon as he got home though, the letter must have been burning a hole in his pocket although Doc would have pulled him aside and warned him if there had been anything wrong.

Still, he worries.

"Enjoy. Give mom a kiss for me."

"I'll give that lovely lady two. Talk to you later in the week."

Emmett is watching me intently and as soon as I lower my phone he says

"Good news?  A thumbs up is good, right?"

"What else could it be, silly? Yes, I'm perfectly healthy. I'll even show you the letter once it comes through."

"Not necessary, I'm just relieved."

He looks it, he really does.

His smile is a bit softer, his eyes maybe a bit brighter.

"I'm sorry you were so worried, Emmett," but I get it.

To him this is sort of my first scan results.

My parents and I were on edge for years afterwards.

You get used to it a little bit although it never really gets easy.

A stack of clear scans makes waiting for the next one less nerve-wracking but even though I've been well for a long time, this is the first time he's had to wait.

"Are you okay?"

What is going on in his head?

"Sorry, thinking about my Mom. We kept hoping, you know? But that's, sorry. I'm glad you're okay darling, really glad."

Hoping she'd get a clear scan. Right. Ouch.

I don't know what to say so I give him a hug.

While we're still in each others arms he says

"I have a confession. I know it was wrong and I'm sorry so I hope you'll let me off the hook."

I pull away just enough to get a good look at him.

"Sounds serious."

"I just stepped way over the line. Um, Monday? I, shit, I do trust you Finn, my head just went a little crazy."

Monday? Test day but I didn't see him afterwards.

"Okay, Monday."

"I may have called to see if you were at work.  Only because I know how much to hated to miss it for your appointment, I just worried..."

I pull away because that's my natural response.

Hands go to my hips even though it's really hard to look imposing wearing just Care Bear boxers.

My face is hard and I don't like looking at him like that or feeling this way.

Especially not in this house.

And then I replay all the shit I thought a few minutes ago.

He was scared. He lost his mom. It wasn't about me.

I force myself to relax and step back into his arms.

"Okay."

He wraps me up gently, as if he thinks I'll fuss if he holds on too tight.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You wanted to make sure I was safe," because I have no doubt that some daddy went into that decision.

Yes, it was wrong but he knows that and he didn't have to tell me at all.

"Yes, that's all, Finnegan. I just needed to know you're okay."

I force my voice to be as lighthearted as possible.

"Well I am."

"And I'm glad. I'm, hell, is it too much to ask for you to send me a post card every six months? I'm going to worry about you, darling."

A post card? Oh.

I won't be here for the next round... right?

That puts me leaving into the harsh light of reality.

It's so easy for Finnegan to forget, I don't think about much when I'm in little space. 

So he's okay, well he's okay with it.

I thought maybe we'd talk when we got to that point but fine.

"Sure. I'd rather talk to you though."

"I'd love to hear from you Finnegan. Anytime. I don't want to think about it, you leaving but... damn I'm a mess today, sorry."

So maybe there's a chance of working something out.

I really, really hope we can although I have no idea what that would look like or how we'd work.

"I'm supposed to be a little more butch than this."

He's only half kidding but I don't expect him to be a tough, in control daddy all the time.

"Hey, I go to work and I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't expect you to never need anything. Just because I'm usually little around you doesn't mean I can't step up and take care of you sometimes. We both have different sides and I don't think it's gonna work if we don't show each other both."

"No, you're right but this is your weekend."

"It's our weekend, Emmett."

"Right. You're right. I don't want to spend the rest of it worrying about things, we should celebrate your results and enjoy the afternoon."

"That's fine by me but Emmett? We can talk whenever you're ready."

I walk around the kitchen table and look out the deck door.

"Why are the sheets hanging outside?"

"Dryer bit the dust. Luckily it wasn't a load of underwear, poor Mrs. Lewis. I'll get one after payday or maybe next payday." 

He shrugs. 

"I'd call a repair guy but the set came with the house and are probably twenty years old. I can use the laundromat till then but figured those would dry just fine, warm as it is."

"Hey, when are you off this week?"

He didn't work Saturday which means he will this week and that means a day off during the week.

I've finally got his schedule worked out.

"Tuesday, why? Want me to stop by the office?"

Not why I asked but...

"Absolutely. I'll schedule myself a long lunch break."

"I'll bring something, what do you want?"

"You know what I want."

I raise my eyebrows and he laughs.

Then that's better.  

[leviticus101st]

My Live Tweet thread of Gen:Lock

(I copy and pasted a Twitter Thread of my reaction to Gen:Lock. I'm more active on Twitter, so if ya want to see more from me, my @ is LeviJones101st)

I don't usually do this, but I decided to live tweet my watch through of Gen:Lock.

Let's see if this shit show was worth all the workplace abuse and fucking over of the Nomad of Nowhere.

Spoilers: I believe the answer is gonna be no.

Okay. Starting out and this is more of a small thing, but I've gotten really sick of Sci fi settings that always like showing off how super advanced they are by showing technology that does not look like it'd be used.

Like Dave and his girlfriend decided to take leave to visit his mom with……some kind of physical hologram?

Why? Why do this instead of just physically going there?

My nitpicking aside. This opener is actually really solid, establishing this mysterious threat that I totally didn't spoil myself on and making the main hero look likable.

"How did it get so close?!" Lady. If nome of you noticed that thing, ya'll would have fallen apart even if this Union thing wasn't around.

Okay, this opening episode was actually pretty good.

And….wooow that Theme Song does not match this kind of show. It's apparently a licensed song, which is just baffling to me.

They forced people from their other projects to rush their work on this show, they had a moral line not to force a rush job from Jeff and Casey Williams?

I mean, I'm happy for them not being forced to crunch out or anything, I just find it funny that's where they draw the line.

I like that Chase is actually taking all of this very well.

It's actually quite nice.

OH MY GOD! THEY SAID THE THANG! can I go home now?

Doc….I think they're meeting their future regardless……I mean the future is the time that isn't now…….so technically they'll never meet it.

Also, I do believe that people should grieve however they can……but Miranda is kind of an asshole. At least the lady in MoU said 'good to say ya again'

I actually really love Weller. He is just so casual about everything and I love it.

I'm actually getting into this show. It is a bit slow though, ESPECIALLY for an 8 episode season.

"Making soldiers out of children!" Lady. These are grown ass adults. We're these guys meant to be like teenagers originally?

WELLER! JUST TELL THEM THE SPY WASN'T COMPATIBLE!

Weller's speech about "making a difference" is actually quite nice.

I'm already halfway through S1 and while it's been slow going, I'm actually really enjoying myself so far.

Hey. They're saying the RWBY thing.

This Nemesis thing is actually pretty cool.

And the action is actually pretty solid.

Being in a digital space where you control the mech and can affect the mind and personality of the mech pilot is actually a very interesting concept.

I'm sure somewhere this idea was done before, but this is an interesting concept.

The Chase clone twist is actually very compelling.

"Your Deus Ex Machina!"

That's actually a very clever double meaning with the phrase, kudos.

It took us til the end of the season, but we finally got the genlocks in their promoted designs.

The designs do clash with the shows visual aesthetic, but they are actually cool.

Okay. Overall, this first season was actually pretty good.

I'll be watching the second season tommorow, since it's like 10:00 where I live and i have a cavity filling tommorow.

So if what I heard about Season 2 is true, ill be in for a double whammy of pain.

Got a cavity filling and I can't feel the left side of my mouth.

Sounds like the perfect condition to watch Gen:Lock S2. I might be out of it, so maybe there won't be much live tweeting.

Hopefully, people were just overexaggerating how bad it is and it's just okay at worst.

Though I doubt it given what I've heard.

Okay this theme song matches the show better……but honestly this one just sucks.

And immediately it's clear that it's a different person writing for the show.

"Kazu is just whining" no, he’s not. You're just being childish Chase.

Aside from some awkwardness with the new creative team, this first episode was actually pretty solid.

Are they…….are they trying to make the Union look like they were in the right?????¿

Also, a good showcase of why you can't just stretch something into a 16:9 screen format

The Union:

Did the priest dude just use a deadass evil switch.

Wow, they really are tying to present this as a grey on grey conflict, aren't they?

Oh my lord they are.

OH WOELW! THAT SEX SCENE JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!

It was a literal sex scene jumpscare.

Hmmmmmmm. I wonder if the Union, the guys who committed mass Terrorist actions, make machines that are over the topply evil, and took over the world, are the good guys.

Yasamin is the only character making sense in this damn show.

"They were so peaceful!" NO THEY WEREN'T! WE SAW GROUPS OF PEOPLE COMMITING SUICIDE! THERE IS NO RELIGION ON THE PLANET THAT ENDORSES IT!

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN FROM A RELIGION FUSION DANCE ANYWAY?!

Cammie girl, lass, my sister in christ….YOU LITERALLY CHANGED YOUR PERSONALITY! WHY CAN'T KAZU DO THE SAME!

Whose idea was it to throw in all the sex stuff?????? It's not gritty or gross or whatever, IT'S JUST BIZARRE!

Also, why did nobody mention this climate crisis in Season 1?

Also, are they trying to make the Union look like a cult, because that's what it looks like to me.

This shallow samurai shit made to crap on old school anime is actually crapping on bad modern anime.

No seriously, this roboshogun stuff makes me cringe so hard.

It's trying to mock old mecha anime like Gundam and the like, but instead it's giving me the vibe of a bad high-school anime that came out in the early 2010's.

Also, this might just be a me thing, but this attempt to jump around the timeline is really annoying. Just transition to one story and say their happening at the same time, yesh.

Toxic masculinity stuff. I am totally tapped out on this.

Another JumpSex. That's my new nickname for it.

AND WHY IS THIS BEING SHOW WITH INTERCUTS TO CHASE'S ACTUALLY INTERESTING STUFF.

"See how the Polity wars!" I do see……it is significantly better than how you guys do it

Wow…..Cammie is kind of a brat.

Wow. This making the polity bad shit is annoying.

And of course……Kazu's dead.

Who the fuck kills off a character after their arc just finished?!

Like……..narratively what does this accomplish????? And no 'showing the hardship of war' is not a good reason.

All this 'grey on grey morality ' shit has done is make me hate all the characters.

Except for Kazu and Yasamin…….and they killed the former. And the latter I only like because she is the only one calling out everyone's bullshit.

And now I have to listen to Marin try and justify fascism.

MAYBE TURN OFF THE SCREAMING HEADS WHEN PRESENTING YOUR SELL'S PITCH!

'Like my old one, but different' I want to throw a dictionary at your head.

This Chase corruption plot is actually cool and interesting, a shame it's not the actual focus of this damn season.

They're trying way too hard to portray the 'Flow' as a good thing.

"Man, this roboshogun thing is so graphic!"

Why are you people affected by a 2D cartoon with blood in it when you've seen a bunch of corpses.

Also, mandatory joke about how 3D characters see live action shows and that kinda thing.

Ew……just ew.

Marin is trying to stop a cult from ruling the world and everyone is trying to stop her 'evul' plan.

I hate well intentioned extremists Union. I hate it so much.

I love mechanic dude and I can never remember his name.

I have to say the LowTierGod cinematic universe is turning out to be extremely lame so far.

I praised RWBY Vol9 when It did this thing, but I think this show makes that stuff worst in hindsight.

Also, why is Cammie's model look so weird????

Does…..typo

WAITAMINUTE! YOU MEAN THE EVIL CULT WHO TRIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD IS EVIL?!

God, the ceo mech is so ugly

I haven't mentioned this, but man this show is so much uglier now

I actually really like the Chase plot, it's just a shame that it's buried in so much crap.

Oh my god, the last episode, I'm almost done here.

I'm all burnt out on this show. I'm just gonna point out what's funny from now.

YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF NOW!-The Ultimate Message of Gen:Lock

I love this dumb fucking ai thing so much.

God, at times the dialogue is so fucking bad.

God, I hate Sinclair so bad.

Also, the body horror is so lame.

Lmao! This beast thing was made out to be so big and might and yet it's so small next to the skyscrapers.

That's it? That's the climax???????????? WHAT?!

THAT'S THE CLIMAX?! THAT WAS SO ANTI CLIMATIC WHAT THE HELL!

Also, Genlock's message…..it's proud theme?!

What did Chase's sister do to get to New York exactly????

I'm gonna fucking scream.

That's it? THAT'S IT?!

Fuck this 2nd season!

Fuck the higher ups for abusing the staff!

Fuck the pornbots who keep liking this thread!

IM DONE!

I did this whole ass thread and I appreciate absolutely none of it.

On the plus side, I can feel the left side of my face again….mostly.

[defilerwyrm]

Hi! I was scrolling through the top surgery tag on tumblr and came across your last post, it's fine if the offer isn't still up btw, but I wanted to ask about your experience with HRT specifically with using gel/cream, and all the surgery stuff too if that's alright! Obviously feel free to share as much or as little as you'd want to, I wouldn't want to make you write a super long thing if it was really taxing lol, I'm just really wanting to do HRT and get top/bottom surgery and hearing lots of different experiences for those things have been helping me a lot. Thank you!

Howdy! Yup, offer’s still valid. I’ll start with HRT.

I was nervous about HRT to start with because I have a phobia of hypodermic syringes and— shit, actually, it’s shot day. BRB.

Okay. I was dreading the idea of having to give myself injections every week. The doctor I was going to gave me a choice: drive halfway across the city and pay $20 to have a nurse do it every week, or get a cream version from a local compounder. I went with the cream because I didn’t have the time or money for the other option, and no needles sounded great.

So I took it every day, and I waited. And I waited. At every appointment the doctor asked me how my changes had been coming along and I had to tell her there’d been none. Just be patient, she kept telling me, it takes time. So I waited. And waited. Almost a year of using the cream daily…zero changes. I told the doc I was getting frustrated with the time table and wanted to switch to cypionate injections, and she reiterated that she wouldn’t allow it unless I came in and paid the copay every week.

Incidentally, when I went to her for a letter to get my name & gender marker changed, she cheerfully agreed, did it on the spot…and did not tell me that she was going to charge $300 for it until I got the bill. Some things clicked into place about her and her practice.

Shortly after the name/GM change, I was forced to move to Houston. I was fed up with her and the cream by then so I found a low-cost clinic that did informed consent HRT. On my very first appointment I learned that the topical versions of testosterone are meant for guys who have already HAD male puberty and just need to keep their levels boosted. I walked out with a prescription for testosterone cypionate, 0.4 mg/week. Three months later my voice started changing and I’d never been so happy to sound ridiculous.

Facial and body hair came in slowly. My forearms and throat were the first places where hairs changed from vellus to terminal. There was one appointment where my prescribing RN asked me how my body hair was coming in. “Slowly,” I said. Two days later I got out of the shower, looked down at my belly, and blurted, “Oh my god, I’m a werewolf.”

My facial hair trailed behind still. I started getting the first hints of sideburns after I think 8 months on cypionate. My beard didn’t extend much past my jawline other than my upper lip and the outer rim of my chin, and that was frustrating, so I did some research and started microneedling my face and using liquid minoxidil (Rogaine) daily. It took a long time but it’s helped a lot, and FINALLY my chin hair connects to my moustache.

IMPORTANT side note on minoxidil: it is VERY, VERY DEADLY TO CATS. If there are cats in your life and you’re using minoxidil to encourage terminal hair growth, you MUST either use a rubber glove you use ONLY for that and keep out of cats’ reach OR wash your hands at least twice before touching any cat, and they CANNOT be allowed to come into contact with the places you applied it for no less than four hours. Used 1-2x daily, minoxidil takes 6-12 months to work, so it’s playing the long game, but once you’ve got the terminal hair you want and you’re still taking HRT, you can safely stop using it.

On that note, not much longer after my belly hair exploded, I started noticing my hairline getting thinner up top. RIP me. Minoxidil can help with this too if it happens to you and you don’t fancy the bald look. Note that when people say guys need to look at their mother’s side to predict male pattern baldness, that only applies to CIS men, because the gene is carried on the X chromosome. Guys like us can get it from either side. In my case, my dad’s. -_-

Behaviorally, testosterone very definitely changed me…for the better. Once I was on cypionate for a bit and my levels were good, I was a hell of a lot calmer. I don’t know how much of that was because I was finally treating my dysphoria and how much was because my hormones were being regulated, but it was a big difference. I haven’t actually seen a difference in my libido because I was a horny bastard to begin with, but it DID give me the confidence to eventually start seeking out sexual partners. YMMV very wildly there.

I do notice that I get sluggish and sleepy at the end of my hormonal cycle. A friend calls it “Cat Piss Sundays,” because we both inject on Mondays so Sunday our T is at its nadir, and we feel, well, like cat piss.

This is already really long so I’m putting the rest under a cut!

Wow, Tumblr just randomly deleted like 7 paragraphs. Holy fuck. Okay, I’ll summarize.

If you ever get pushback from a pharmacy falsely claiming that you don’t have insurance when you do, or that it hasn’t been long enough since your last fill, get on the phone with your insurance and your prescriber and check for two things: A) if your doctor prescribed more than one month without telling you and the pharmacy changed your prescription without telling you, and B) if the pharmacist is a cissexist POS who arbitrarily entered F for sex when your insurance has an M.

I’ll spare you the details, but the combination of those things led to me having to pay out of pocket for T for months, being forced to go without my vital psych meds for months, having a nervous breakdown, losing my job, insurance, and home, and falling into financial ruin, and being dogpiled on Reddit for daring to be frustrated at being lied to and denied my medication. All because pharmacy staff didn’t do what they were told because they thought they knew better and then decided to lie about it.

Since I moved back to Austin at the end of 2019, I’ve been getting my T through Planned Parenthood. For some reason, I actually do get my full 10 weeks of T at a time through Walgreens…which was who I was with originally back in Houston when they filled an Rx for one 10 mL vial (25 weeks) with two half-filled 1 mL vials (4 weeks) and didn’t tell anyone, so I don’t even know what the truth behind that whole fiasco was anymore.

I’m about to have to switch pharmacies and my hackles are all the way up about it. Best of luck to both of us.

TOP SURGERY

I lucked out hard: one of the foremost gender affirmation surgical practices in the world has an office in my city, and at the time I had REALLY good insurance. There was a year-long wait for my top surgery and I had to use that time to get my BMI down, which is effectively like telling Tantalus “why don’t you just grab a snack if you’re so hungry” but I was able to starve myself enough to do it. I know a disturbing number of trans men and trans mascs who’ve had their top surgeries pushed back or outright cancelled out from under them because of BMI. I have Opinions on that. But I got it, anyway.

Because of my weight and the size of my breasts, I had to have a bilateral mastectomy—the kind that results in scars running along the bottom of the pecs. If you’re slender and have small breasts, you can probably have a keyhole incision mastectomy, which only leaves tiny little scars. But if you need bilateral, don’t let the kind of art of trans guys you see on Tumblr & Twitter scare you: these artists almost always GROSSLY inflate the size of the scars. They’re not these huge, wide, jagged things. Mine are like 2 mm wide on the right and 3-4 mm wide on the left (the latter are bigger because of my revision, discussed below).

In order for insurance to pay for this, I was able to use the same letters I’d gotten from two therapists, my psychiatrist, and my HRT doctor that I’d used to get my name/GM change done, because it had been less than one year since they were written.

The best advice I can give you is to prepare for the limitations of your recovery. Get button-down shirts, because t-shirts are just not happening, and wear one when you go in for surgery. Move things you’ll need access to down/up to waist height whenever you can. If you’re the type who can eat leftovers and you won’t have someone to cook for you, make up to two weeks worth of food that you can put in the fridge or freezer and then reheat easily. Stay ahead of the pain, in terms of meds, but if they put you on opioids be careful not to double dose within 4-6 hours. DO NOT try to lift anything more than like 5 lbs for the first two weeks. If you’re lucky like I was, you’ll pretty much sleep for the first 7-14 days and then be fine.

I arrived at the hospital at about 5 AM, and left around 7ish PM that same day.

I lucked out again in that I had family in town who let me stay with them for two weeks and bring my cats over, and my mom stayed up here too for a while to help cook and look after me. I was pretty useless then, barely staying awake long enough to eat, use the toilet, and then take another dose of Vicodin before conking back out. Two weeks later, though, I was fine. Except for this one weird little thing.

I didn’t have drains to deal with, which was great, but on the other hand I developed a seroma that dehisced. Those are technical terms for something that wasn’t painful, but it was disturbing, and it was DISGUSTING: the left half of my chest developed a hole that slowly got wider and constantly leaked large amounts of bright orange fluid. Two months post-op, it was only getting worse, so I went in for a revision. Now I have a weird concave section in my left pec and the nipple on that side is weird because it had to be grafted back on a second time. I could fix the concave part by developing my pec muscles, but who has time (and spoons, and equipment) to work out? Anyway I don’t mind the weirdness much. I could be happier with it, but at least I don’t have dog tags on the sides.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 1

I was scheduled to have phalloplasty in December 2018. I needed to lose 50 lbs and have a total hysterectomy before then, but I couldn’t find a trans-friendly surgeon for that in Houston. I lost my job and my insurance in July 2018 and couldn’t find another one that actually paid or had benefits in time, so I had to cancel it. Ironically, by the date I’d had scheduled, I’d lost 70 lbs, mostly due to starvation because I couldn’t afford food. Fun times.

HYSTERECTOMY

Once I moved back to Austin and got a solid job, rescheduled my bottom surgery with Dr Crane; there would be an 18-month wait. I actually I managed to find a trans-friendly OB/GYN & obstetric surgeon in my area who sees a LOT of trans patients. Getting scheduled for the hysto was as easy as telling her I’m trans and scheduled for bottom surgery, plus both my mom and her sister had had ovarian and uterine cancers.

I did NOT need to get new letters for this surgery. I’m pretty sure that my OB/GYN entered the reason for it for insurance purposes as being a cancer prevention thing, which is not at all untrue. I also asked her if there was any way I could see my parts that were being extracted, because part of me just really wanted visual confirmation that they were gone, and she agreed. Dr. J. Mushtaler in Austin is EXCELLENT.

I had to pay a little over $1600 up front for my deductible ($500) & out of pocket costs (80% coinsurance up to $2500/yr); YMMV. Always plan on having to pay a couple hundred dollars more than what your calculations suggest. My insurance was billed I think $16k for this one, but that price can vary wildly.

This one came with an overnight hospital stay. There were two delightful nurses watching over me, gently making fun of how clumsy I was when I woke up basically once an hour every hour to piss like a racehorse. Like 750-800 mL at a time. It was crazy, they were pumping me full of so much fluid and boy did it show. They did that to make sure that I could pee properly: the uterus rests right on top of the bladder, so removing it can sometimes cause issues with urination like incontinence. Two and a half years later I still pee like…I’d guess 8-12 times a day. Then again I also drink 3-5 liters of water a day, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it too, but even before I really started hydrating well I needed to pee a lot. I asked my mom and one of my BFFs, both of whom had hysterectomies before me, if they‘d found they had to pee all the time afterward, and they said yeah.

At my post-op checkup, Dr Mustaler handed me a glossy printout that showed laproscopic photos of both ovaries before removal and my uterus post-removal. I kinda want to get it framed. I can only describe my liver as “cute”.

Recovery was longer, I think 4 weeks? And I spent most of it sitting in a recliner with an ice back on my belly. I was sore a lot, and I couldn’t move quickly or bend over Or Else, but it wasn’t that bad. I watched (and slept through) A LOT of TV.

About a month later I started having what I can only describe as mild hot flashes, because my estrogen levels basically bottomed out due to the removal of my ovaries. I am pretty sure that these were mild because a) I’ve been on testosterone and b) folks who’ve been through normal menopause AND my non-binary friend who had a hysto but isn’t on T make them sound a lot worse than what I had. They didn’t last long, either in individual duration or in the span of time when I was having them. They were just a mild inconvenience that dropped off after like I think three months.

I swore out loud, at age 6, that I was never having babies. I haven’t reconsidered for a microsecond. The peace of mind that comes from knowing that, not only am I forevermore spared the Hell of menstruation, but I will NEVER, EVER have to worry about an unwanted pregancy.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 2

This one…this one has cost me.

The first piece of preparation was laser hair removal. It cost $100/session every 3 months, up until Dr. Crane’s office started offering it at $30/session for their patients so you better believe I switched to them. I needed this because with radial flap phalloplasty, the lower ~half of one forearm gets skinned and used to form the neophallus, along with a length of the radial nerve, and you’re not gonna want a hairy dick. Laser changed my terminal hairs to vellus ones after like two sessions, but it’s growing back, and frankly I wish I’d gotten electrolysis instead because that‘s better at permanently removing hairs. Eventually I’m gonna need laser done on my dick now, sigh. Oh well. But yeah, if you get phalloplasty, start laser or electrolysis at least a year in advance.

I spent most of 2021 worrying my head off that my surgery would get cancelled because I’d gained so much weight back even though Dr. Crane hadn’t given me a BMI goal this time. As phone-averse as I am, it just didn’t occur to me to…you know…call and ask. When I finally did, they said no, they wouldn’t cancel it on me, and a mountain rolled off my shoulders.

However, if you use nicotine products, you DO need to quit as early as you can, because nicotine is a HUGE retardant factor to healing as it restricts blood flow, and after a graft, blood flow is VITAL. You can literally lose your new dick if you smoke or vape etc post-op. Deal with the cravings.

Pre-op, I was told to stop taking T, Vyvanse, and my OTC supplements. What all you get told to stop taking will depend on, well, what you’re taking at the time.

I did have to get new WPATH letters for this surgery, since it’d been more than a year since the originals were written. I got one from my psychiatrist and another I think from Planned Parenthood.

I found out at my pre-op appointment when I went in to pay the $2404 to the hospital, get checked in, etc, that Dr. Crane wanted to use an artificial skin to replace what would be taken from my forearm instead of natural skin from my thigh. Problem was, insurance wouldn’t pay for it and it cost six thousand dollars, which I did not REMOTELY have (in fact I had exactly $2400 in savings and…not much in checking, at the time). I brought it up with him and he was like “No problem, I’ll call the hospital and tell them to cancel that part,” which he did then and there, and that was that. I also got an EKG and learned that my heart is functioning normally, which was GREAT to hear as a 38yo fat guy.

I spent five days in the hospital post-op. I just remember being tired, sore, bored, and always frustrated with the OSAT monitor on my finger, and having trouble eating. There was something about them having to use warfarin during surgery and then ease me off it that I wasn’t cogent enough to understand, but that certainly could have gone worse.

Recovery was the pits. I scheduled myself 11 weeks off work and that was definitely the right decision, at least in terms of physical recovery, but oh gods have my finances suffered for it (more on that later). Once again I spent most of my time asleep or dozing, trying to stay ahead of the pain. My genitals and arm weren’t the worst part. The worst part was, without a shadow of a doubt, the catheter.

It was a suprapubic balloon catheter, which means that they made a hole from my lower belly directly into my bladder and ran a tube through it. If/when you have one, stay on top of the bladder spasm medication they give you. It was awful. Increasingly as I spent more and more time awake, the feeling of needing to pee urgently never went away. There were many, many times I’d go use the toilet, barely get anything out, wash my hands, come back out, sit down, and then get right back up to do it again within like three minutes.

The worst of it was the day before the cath was removed, three weeks in. I was told to stop taking the bladder spasm meds, and my opioids ran out the same day because I was only given I think 20 pills. That, uh. That was a 10 on the pain scale. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, could barely breathe, all I could do was lie there holding back tears and wishing for death. I had never imagined my fucking bladder of all things would put me in such a state of pure abjection. The next day they took it out, which I was conscious and unmedicated for. The sensation was…oh boy it was weird. It was so weird. It didn’t hurt per se—in fact the relief was so instantaneous it almost felt ecstatic—but the feeling of a long tube with a collapsible balloon going FWOOP! out of an unnatural hole in my body was one to remember.

Recovery was a LOT less painful after that horrible cath was removed, but it got…messier. I was eager to start learning to pee standing up and let’s just say I did a lot of pants changes and toilet-cleaning, and gained a newfound appreciation for what parents go through when potty training AMAB children. I also discovered that I had not one, but TWO fistulae. Great.

A fistula is a tunnel in the flesh that goes from the urethra all the way to the outside of the body. This is THE most common side complication of phalloplasty (to the tune of 40%), so it wasn’t surprising, but it has definitely been frustrating. I told my RN about it and she said they usually heal on their own but if it’s still there in 6 months they’d correct it surgically. Sure enough, the bigger one closed right up on its own, but the smaller one right at the base is taking its sweet fucking time about it, so I have to go full cartoon frog and drop my pants to my ankles when I piss because if I lift my dick so as to pee with just my fly open I’ll get urine all over my underwear and probably my pants too. OFW.

The two biggest pieces of advice I got re: fistula healing were 1) keep your junk clean & dry and 2) spend time lying down naked with your legs open as much as you can.

Another frustrating aspect of recovery was that I couldn’t masturbate for almost three solid months, but that didn’t stop me from WANTING to. The upshot is that once I finally found that I could try it without hurting myself, I can get off in like 2-3 minutes flat if I’m lucky/keyed up enough—in comparison to how it took 45+ minutes pre-op. I’m still learning what works and what doesn’t, but when it works, oh BOY does it WORK.

Aside from that one day of Hell before the cath was removed, the biggest downside to this has been the financial one. The surgery itself took every cent of my savings. That’s fine, this is what I’d been saving for. But my income has been the biggest thing.

Short Term Disability Leave insurance, or STDL, pays nothing for the first 7-12 days of leave and then 60% of your normal wage/salary, not including overtime. At my previous corporate job, the place I worked at when I had top surgery, the company paid the missing 40%. At my current company, a few months before surgery I asked around and found a coworker who had recently been on STDL for several months. She said that this company also did that for her, and that she didn’t have to request it or anything, it just happened.

Fast forward a few weeks after surgery. I’m waiting for my STDL pay to come in. It doesn’t. I check their website and find out they don’t have my direct deposit information, because they never prompted me for it in any way (including any of the times I emailed or called them) other than a link inside their website on one specific page For payouts. And it was gonna take 4 weeks to process. And no, they said they couldn’t speed that up. I actually ended up having to submit my info twice and email them again to get it to go through. By then I find out they mailed me a physical check…on the 30th. So I had to wait 10 days for that to come in, and then two more days for the deposit to hit my account, and by then my rent was overdue for almost two solid weeks.

I also noticed that what I was getting was…A LOT less than what I usually made, even accounting for getting weekly pay instead of semi-monthly. I emailed payroll about it, and they had to ask around, and THEN, A MONTH AFTER SURGERY, I found out that NO, my company pays NONE of the missing 40% now. AWESOME. So get that info in advance, in writing, well before your surgery so you can predict how hard you’re going to have to save up!

Because it gets worse! For the end of August, all of September, and all of October, I made 60% of my regular income. I don’t make much as it is so that was horrible, and I was only able to get by on the priceless generosity of the friends I stayed with for the first 3 weeks. I went back to work November 18th, so I was going to have 60% from STDL for the first half of the month and my regular pay after that…except at my job, our paychecks come in twice a month with a full pay cycle offset, so between the 17th of November and the 13th of December, I had ZERO INCOME beyond what I could scrape in from Etsy, meaning that not only did I make a mere 30% of my normal income for that month, but I had to spend 100% of my paycheck for Dec 13 on overdue rent and bills, leaving nothing but my overdraft allowance for food, gas, and moving supplies. AWESOME.

But you know what? With the exception of the nauseated rage I still feel over fictional depictions of trans men in erotica and lingering resentment that my penis doesn’t work the same way an AMAB person’s does, my bottom dysphoria is fucking GONE. And THAT is worth 100% of the suffering and expense.

So, advice on bottom surgery: plan as far ahead as you possibly can. You’ll need laser surgery, you might need to lose weight and/or quit nicotine, you need to know if your employer pays the missing 40% STDL doesn’t pay, you need to save up probably several thousand dollars for hospital fees and post-op expenses, and you will need someone to drive you around because you ain’t sitting down comfortably anytime soon.

Oh also, your forearm will look like pastrami for a few weeks. Follow care instructions religiously. Move your hand around in every direction as often as you can. Do carpal tunnel type exercises. Go to physical therapy for it if you can. The longer it stays stiff, the stiffer it will stay. I’ve regained almost all my mobility back in my left hand by now, four months post-op, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to touch my thumb to my forearm again. :( Oh well, small price to pay.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 3

There is one thing they typically DON’T due during the phalloplasty/scrotoplasty/vaginectomy surgery: your implants! These are optional but I for one am looking forward to getting them. One set of implants will be a set of silicone testicles. That means your scrotum will just be an empty sac for the first few months post-op. The other is an erectile implant that will allow you to more easily have sex as the penetrating partner. There are two kinds of these, with a few subtypes each: a flexible rod that you can pose manually, and an inflatable rod with a tiny little pump that goes into the scrotum. I don’t know which kind I’m getting yet. I don’t even have a date set for all that, but it’s typically done 6-9 months post-op, because they want you to be fully healed before going back in. That surgery should only have a 1- to 2-week recovery time. I’ve slept with a cis guy who has the pump kind and it’s pretty effective!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Gender identity is an incredibly varied and personal thing. My surgeon, and many other gender affirmation surgeons, believe that surgical options should be just as varied. If you like having a vagina but really want a penis, there are options for that—and not just metoidioplasty and Centurion, you can get phallo too. If you want your nipples tattooed on later or if you don’t want them at all when you get top surgery, you can do that. When making decisions for what kind of outcomes you want, talk to your surgeon about what’s possible, and if they’re worth their salt, they’ll find a way to come up with a transition path that’s tailored to your needs.

Okay, time to post this and hope Tumblr doesn’t eat it. If it does I might do something ill-advised to my iPad.

[angelsswirl]

Petrichor

Four

Notes: The story's not over yet....

Content Warning⚠️: mild smut

...

"You loved what you loved because you loved it."

It's been weeks. Weeks of you falling deeper and deeper into this mess you somehow forced yourself into.

Weeks of getting to know Rosé. Weeks of getting to know Jisoo. Weeks of getting to know Lia, for that matter.

Weeks of being sucked into a cycle of never-ending uncertainty.

And sure you knew plenty about them at this point. The little stuff, the medium stuff, but maybe not the big stuff.

If someone had asked you weeks ago if you had wanted to be in a serious relationship, mated to an alpha for the foreseeable future, you would have told them 'No. Absolutely not. I'm not ready.' But now, that's changed. And you're not exactly sure why.

In addition to suddenly wanting to be someone's omega, your heats had magically increased, in frequency and intensity. They were somehow bulldozing their way through your normal dosage of suppressants.

It was why you currently found yourself in the waiting room of your doctor's office.

Though, as you waited to be called back by the nurse, that was not the pertinent thought weighing down on you. Instead, it was 'Did Jisoo or Rosé want a serious relationship with you as well? Did they want you to be their mate?'

The million-dollar question.

You had no real way of knowing. It definitely seemed like it on both their parts, but outright asking was out of the question.

Jisoo had a daughter, a daughter who will inevitably one day realize that you look nothing like her. She'll long for the care of her biological mother, and then Jisoo will leave you so their family is complete.

A logical conclusion.

Rosé has an ex, an ex that, granted, you're not supposed to know about (Yeri is very talkative when drunk), but an ex nonetheless. It's only fair that Rosé realizes that she has unfinished business with said ex while you're pregnant with her pups, and leaves you for the ex.

Another logical conclusion.

And where does all of that leave you?

Alone.

The nurse calling your name lightly soothed you out of your musing, saving you from answering your own question with even more ugly scenarios.

"Y/N L/N? You can go on back." The nurse, an omega herself, smiled reassuringly as she gestured for you to follow her.

She lead you to an examination room after weighing you in the hallway. After a few preliminary questions that you had to answer every time you visited, the nurse left you to wait.

Seven minutes later there's a knock on the door and a creaking of the hinges.

Dr. Ramona Davis, another omega woman, smiled softly as she flipped through your mildly thin file.

Despite you being a patient at this particular practice since you started having heats, you had never really had any serious isssues.

It wasn't uncommon for an Omega Specialist to be an alpha, but they probably saw way less patients. It made more sense for an omega to be seeing a doctor who would understand what they were going through on a medical and a personal level.

Dr. Davis placed the file on the counter in the room before squirting some hand sanitizer on, rubbing it in, then shaking your hand.

"Hello Y/N, what brings you in today? I haven't had to see you in a year." The concern on the woman's fair features was genuine. You took great appreciation in that. You hated Doctor's offices and the almost motherly nature of the omega doctor assuaged your anxiety greatly.

"Um, yeah. Recently, my heats have been coming way more frequently than normal and they're very intense. My suppressants are barely putting a dent in them."

"Oh, that is concerning. You rarely come to me for heat problems." The doctor's eyebrows furrowed.

Dr. Davis did a quick check of your breathing, then ears and nose.

The omega doctor sat back on her rolling stool with a sigh, "Are your heat symptoms normal? Anything really out of the ordinary?"

A blush settled over your cheeks. You thought for a second, other than being more intense you didn't think that your symptoms have been out of the ordinary really, "I don't think so. The normal overheating, bones aching so bad I can't move, loss of appetite, and really bad night terrors, but I think that has more to do with the fact that this is my first year living by myself in the center of New York City. Yeah, all of that but dialed up by, like, 10." You mused, you shrugged your shoulders in the end as if to say 'Y'know, the usual.'

Ramona stared at you blankly for a solid three minutes before speaking again, "Y/N. None of that is normal. I have half a mind to call your mom and tell her what you just told me. The only thing stopping me is doctor-patient confidentiality."

You pouted, your mother didn't need to know any of this. She was dealing with her own things. It's the very reason you hadn't mentioned this to either of your parents. Also, you hadn't really known that anything was wrong. You really just came here to get a higher dosage of suppressants.

Dr. Davis rubbed a hand down her face, "How long have your heats been like this?"

"Since I started having them, but they didn't get really bad until like six weeks ago give or take."

Ramona nodded, "You said this was the first time you're living fully by yourself. How long has it been since you lived with an alpha?"

"Uh, not since being home with my dad. I'm 24 and I moved out at 18, so, six years ago." You frowned. You desperately needed to find out where the professional was going with this. 

Ramona thought for a second. She had a hunch, of what part of the problem was. She can't really do anything about the "normal" heat symptoms but she does have a cure that should dial back the frequency and intensity, she just had a sneaking suspicion that you would absolutely hate it. Because if you didn't hate the idea, then the problem would be fixed already.

But first, a couple more questions, "When was the last time you were knotted?"

"Like three years ago?"

Dr. Davis surmises that you must have impeccable self-control and she's not sure if that's a good thing or not.

"Okay, last question before I let you in on my thought process. Have you been in close proximity to any unmated alphas lately? Like not just standing behind one in a line or sitting next to one in class, I mean actually spending time with any."

"Yeah...two." You were starting to pick up the pieces, and no, you did not like where this is going.

"Ah, the final piece of the puzzle," Ramona wrote some notes down on your file, "Alright. So here's what I think is going on, you haven't been in the presence of an alpha for at least three years.  And all of a sudden you're surrounded by two. Probably encountering many more pheromones than you had in the past three years combined.  It doesn't help that those alphas are readily available and your omega is very aware of this. Your heats are out of wack because, one, it sounds like you've just been chugging through them like nothing is wrong, not taking a knot or anything even remotely useful, and two, because of these new alphas. It's almost like your teasing your omega and she's fighting back. Triggering random and intense heats to trick you into mating with one of them."

You stared back at her absolutely horrified, "I'm trying to kill myself?"

"That's not what I said."

"That's what it sounded like. Anyway, how do I get it to stop? I'm sure you know this isn't very fun."

"I can imagine. There's really one way that can help..."

"Stop stalling, Doc."

"You're going to have to take one of their knots. I know, I know. Stop looking at me like that. It's the only way. Once you do that, your omega will calm down and you can go back to your life. Look, it doesn't even have to be one of theirs. You're going to do that and I'm going to write you a prescription for some muscle relaxers but your suppressants are staying the same."

You looked like you wanted to puke at the thought of doing that with anyone else other than Jisoo or Rosé.

"Okay, it has to be one of theirs."

You still looked a bit apprehensive. 

Ramona sighed, it looked like she was going to have to pretend to be her wife today. Her wife was a psychologist who worked down the hall.

"What's got you so hesitant, Y/N?"

You sighed and your shoulders slumped, "I don't want to have to choose between them. I like them both. A lot."

"Who said you have to choose? You might eventually when you're ready to mate, but for now, you don't have to worry about that."

"What if I am ready to mate?" You mumbled.

"Then yeah, you might have a problem on your hands."

You threw your hands up in the air exasperated, "I don't even know if they would even want to have sex with me."

Ramona rolled her eyes at that, "Okay, here's what you're going to do. I'm going to sit here, and you're going call both of them and ask." 

You began to protest, "Ah. No. You're going to do it. I can tell you've been putting this off and it's starting to nag at you. You're a 24-year-old unmated omega. There is absolutely no reason you should be doubting your sex appeal."

"Fine," You grumbled. Your hands shook as you picked up your phone and tapped on your recents. They were both coincidently the last people you had talked to. Rosé being the latest, as you were confirming plans for later that day.

Rosé answered on the second ring, "Hey, Babe. What's up?"

You blushed at the pet name, you sighed before deciding to just rip it off like a bandaid, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

There's a clattering and then a curse on the other end. A second later Rosé started speaking again, "I'm sorry, I dropped my phone. Yes. The answer is yes." You hung up without another word. A heavy blush encompassing your harsh scowl at Ramona.

It seemed like Jisoo answered the phone before you even pressed the call button, "Kim Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. How may I help you?"

"How many times do I have to tell you that's not funny?"

"...Until I believe you."

"Anyway. Do you want to have sex with me?"

It sounded like Jisoo started to hyperventilate.

"I very do a lot."

"What?"

"Yes. The answer is yes."

You hung up and glared at the doctor, "Happy?"

"Are you?" 

You had never felt a boost of confidence such as the verbal reassurance of alphas being sexually attracted to you, but Ramona didn't need to know that.

"So, now you know they want to. The next step is to do it." Dr. Davis patted you on the shoulder reassuringly. 

You nodded resolutely. The next step is to do it. 

Dr. Davis handed you the prescription for the muscle relaxers and ushered you out the door.

~•~

You arrived at Rosé's penthouse with a renewed sense of determination.

You were let into the fancy apartment building and then into the penthouse fairly easily. You assumed Rosé had prepared whoever needed to be prepared for your arrival.

Rosé, over lunch one day, had finally let slip her actual job description. You had only shrugged more or less. You weren't stupid. You don't wear custom Armani suits and pay for your Starbucks with a black credit card without being the CEO of something.

Rosé seemed forever grateful you hadn't made a big deal about it.

As soon as you laid eyes on Rosé your core clenched. The alpha was only wearing a grey t-shirt and a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, and yet for some reason, you still got weak in the knees. 

Rosé greeted you with a peck on the cheek and a happy smile, "How was your day?"

You blinked, "Interesting. How was yours?"

"Boring at first. It's my first day off in months and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then I got an interesting phone call from an interesting person asking an interesting question. So I'd say my day was interesting as well."

Rosé led them deeper into the penthouse, which you later will realize is only the first floor.

"Yeah, sorry if I caught you off guard with that?" You looked down and blushed. A go to move of yours.

Rosé shrugged, "It's fine. I admired the forwardness...So, I was originally going to cook for you, but then at the very last second, I remembered I can't cook. But I can drink wine. And I'm very good at buying it too, so I figured we could have an impromptu wine tasting." Rosé gestured into her kitchen where a bunch of glasses filled with different pigments of wine had been set up.

"You just want to see me drunk." You tapped Rosé playfully on the arm.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any ulterior motives."

You made it three glasses in before you practically jumped Rosé. In your defense, your mini-heat was still simmering under the surface.

Your lips smashed together in a desperate ruse for you to get closer to Rosé. Rosé's hands on your hips and your hands in her hair. You released your grip on the taller woman's hair, you reached down to your shirt. Gripping at the hem and yanking it overhead.

Rosé blinked slowly, "Are you sure?" She asked, even as your hands traveled to the belt buckle on her jeans. 

You captured Rosé's lips again in a quick, searing kiss, "What about any of this says unsure to you?"

That's all Rosé needs to continue.

It's not really evident how you two got into Rosé's room and subsequently her bed. Both of you had sort of partially blacked out.

Save for her underwear, Rosé was completely naked as she nipped at your neck. You mewled and whined, your hips rolling up into Rosé's thigh.

"You're so wet." Rosé practically growled into your ear. She can easily tell by the amount collecting on her thigh every time you bucked your hips.

"Alpha, need you inside of me."

Rosé is all too happy to oblige. She kicked off her boxers quickly, then leaned over toward her bedside table. She rummaged around in the drawer without looking. You were completely naked under her, her eyes were bit preoccupied.

It took about 20 more seconds for the alpha to locate what she had been looking for. 

"Safety first," Rosé exclaimed as she held up the condom. You rolled your eyes, a bit too far gone to care about safety at the moment. This all seemed like a waste of precious time to you.

It felt like ages before Rosé was finally inside of you. You couldn't help but clench just about as soon as she had entered.

The relief you felt was almost instantaneous. That feeling of finally being filled almost pushed you over the edge right then and there.

Rosé rocked her hips back lightly. Allowing you to adjust.

You did so quickly apparently. Your hips rocking up into Rosé once again.

"Chae, harder."

Rosé grunted and obliged. Her hips slamming into the you harder than before. You were about as tight as Rosé had imagined you would be, and that was serving to make this that much more difficult.

She'd be damned if she didn't even last ten minutes. How embarrassing would that be?

"Fuck." You moaned breathily. You felt like you were floating. The coil in your stomach tightening in time with the curling of your toes.

"You're so gorgeous." Rosé whispered into your shoulder. She nipped at the skin there, trying to abate her need to bite your mating gland.

You're not listening. You can feel Rosé's knot beginning to form, and your main goal is to get it inside of you. So, you relaxed as much as you could and wrapped your legs around Rosé's waist. Pulling her closer.

You both released almost identical moans.

"God, you're trying to kill me." Rosé grunted just as her knot popped into you.

It took just about all her willpower not to latch onto your neck.

Your back arched as you fell over the edge. Your breathy moans becoming a bit more high pitched.

Rosé groaned as she released into the condom.

As you both came down you began to giggle.

Rosé scowled, "What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, calm down. I'm laughing because I normally pride my self on having great self control. I demonstrated quite the opposite just then."

"Hey, we all need to let go every once in a while." Rosé shrugged and shifted you to a more comfortable position.

You gasped as you felt the knot tug a bit. You would be tied together for a bit longer.

You sighed happily, then snuggled closer into Rosé.

Within seconds, you're out like a light.

~•~

You woke to your phone vibrating precariously next to your head.

In the night, you and Rosé had since shifted. No longer tied. Your back was pressed into Rosé's front, with her arm slung across your waist.

You answered your phone without looking at caller id.

"Hello?"

"Hey. You weren't sleep were you?" You frowned at the tone of Jisoo's voice. She sounded exhausted and maybe even a little upset.

"No. Why? What's up?"

Jisoo huffed a bit before sighing, "Do you mind coming over here and watching Lia for a bit. She's not feeling well and I need to go pick up some medicine for her. I know it's late-"

"I'll be right over, Jisoo."

"Thanks."

It's surprisingly easy for you to slip out from under Rosé. Tiptoe out of the room, locate your clothes, then head out the apartment. All without waking her.

~•~

You're at Jisoo's in record time. You smoothed out your wrinkled shirt before knocking on the door lightly.

It doesn't occur to you that Jisoo is most definitely going to smell Rosé on you until Jisoo opens the door and looks at you like that.

Part sad, part angry, part prooven right?

Her jaw is clenched and she won't look you in the eyes. Instead she looked right past you into the hallway. You wanted to say something. Apologize maybe. Deal out excuses. You're not sure. Jisoo beat you to it anyway.

"...Thank you. I didn't want to bring her with me at risk of her getting sicker. And everyone else was busy. Or Asleep." Jisoo looked a bit resigned. Like she expected this and it was what it was.

She brushed passed you easily, then hurrried down to her car. She might punch her dashboard out of anger and jealousy, but it's the middle of the night. No one is there to confirm or deny that part.

You took a deep breath. You didn't like that look Jisoo gave you. It made you feel gross, guilty, and quite frankly, sick to your stomach.

You don't have time to wallow, because you can hear Lia whimpering through the baby monitor placed on the coffee table.

You walked into the toddler's room to find Lia balancing over the ledge of crib. Clearly in the middle of an escape.

"Hi, Li. Do you mind if I help you?"

Lia huffed before reaching for you. You scooped the child into your arms easily. Lia cuddled herself into your neck.

"Thank you for letting me help. You give the best hugs."

The toddler lifted her head from your shoulder, "Better than mama?"

You chuckled lightly, "Yes, better hugs than your mom."

Lia laid her head back as you walked back to the livingroom. You sat down on the sofa as you waited for Jisoo to get back.

"Don't feel good." Lia mumbled tiredly into your neck.

"I know you don't. That's why your mom went to go get some medicine for you. You know, I think you hit the mom jackpot with that one."

Lia shrugged and yawned. It's only about three seconds later that the toddler passes out.

You just continued to rub the girl's back.

~•~

Jisoo came back to see Lia passed out on your chest, and you passed out on the couch.

She begrudgingly took a pic of the admittedly adorable sight.

She eventually decided to post the picture to her Instagram. Jealousy only partially driving that decision.

Jisoo pocketed her phone and stood in the door way for a few more seconds. Lia looked very content to stay where she was, so Jisoo let her.

She sighed, "I'm working on it, kid. I just wish I knew what I was up against."

~•~

You woke up without the crick in your neck you thought you would. You soon realized it was because you were in a bed and not on the couch you had vaguely remembered falling asleep on.

You hobbled out of the bed. You peered into Lia's room to find her sleeping soundly in the crib.

You then padded into the living room next. The tv was on but it didn't seem obvious that it was being watched.

"Morning." You jumped clear out of your skin.

You turned around to the voice. Jisoo was standing at the kitchen island, sipping on a cup of coffee. Jisoo looked like she had gotten exactly zero hours of sleep that night. Her face was blank and she was wearing the same thing she had left in.

"Morning... How'd I get into your bed?"

"I carried you there. You looked uncomfortable." Jisoo's face remained blank. Her eyes pointed in the direction of the television.

"Where did you sleep?"

"I didn't."

"Chu."

"Thanks for watching Lia again." Jisoo's jaw clenched and her leg bounced on the linoleum, "I'll see you later."

You wrapped your arms around yourself. You nodded as you headed for the front door.

"Tell Lia I'll see her next week?"

Jisoo only hummed.

You took a shakey breath as you left the apartment. You left the building with arms still wrapped around yourself.

Somehow, this felt more like the walk of shame then leaving Rosé's had.

You pulled out your phone and dialed a familiar number.

"What's up?"

"Can we meet up, I really need to talk."

"Of course. You know where to meet me. Give me ten minutes."

You breathed a watery sigh of relief, "Thank you."

[guigz1-coldwar]

'It's all improvisation' : Chapter 28 of "Fighting Spirit of a Once Innocent Girl"is out !

Summary :

Samantha & Helen are landing in another universe to find out about Monty's real location.....

To read it on AO3, click here !

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I never thought that we will be able to get out of Cuba alive but we can thanks only Nikolai for that and it became so important to me to give him my thanks. He saved us from our inevitable deaths and allowed us to continue in our mission instead of been captured and maybe killed if Omega's forces arrived minutes later while no one came to check our status. He brought us to a secret island in the middle of nowhere where he has built a house, identical to the old House I was living during my young with Eddie.....and Monty.

Nikolai told me the truth I never expected : for all these times, behind the mask Perseus was using.....it was Eddie all along. The only friend that was so close to me, the one person that was playing with me in my childhood.....was in fact my enemy I've been tracking down for months. It was Eddie's body but it was Monty who were controlling it. Eddie was trapped inside his own body and I will do anything to get Eddie back in control and then, I will kill Monty myself like I promised years ago.

Monty was the person I was hating the most in this now entire multiverse, along with Adler, Requiem and the Omega Group. I started to think that once we come back to West-Berlin in our universe, we will need to tell them about the truth of the fight we are making against Perseus. For the finals moments, our differences must be step aside as we need to fight together if we want to stop Monty from achieving his ultimate plans to destroy Europe and to put his world and maybe in the future the others universes into the Dark Aether.

We needed to get back to West-Berlin before Lazar take everyone to Monty fake location because of his state of been mind-controlled but unfortunately, we have to face another problem from that : we have no clues or any leads that could have helped us to discover the real base of Monty as everyone who could have give us that info were either dead or missing : Peck was beheaded by Monty & Valentina....I killed her. Those two must have know that info but now, they can't help us as they are fully dead.

However, even if Nikolai also didn't know of Monty's real location, he know exactly what we can do to have our answers and to be honest, me & Helen couldn't believe of what we were going to do to make that happen. Nikolai presented to us the Multiverse that was created when the old one was banished in the Dark Aether and showed to us that all of these universes were sharing a comoon point : Perseus's threat existed but very different of our universe, there were no Dark Aether on these universes for the moment.

Nikolai reassured to us that the location Perseus is hiding is always the same place around the multiverse including us. He decided that to get our responses, we will have to travel into another universe to talk with an woman called 'Bell', a name shared by a lot of differents people and also facing the same situation : working with Adler against Perseus. We had to agreed because it was our only way for us. Once we were ready, Nikolai created for us an portal leading to that particular universe. Me & Helen joined hands and then we crossed the portal.

That little travel didn't last so long as after at least 10 seconds, we arrived into that universe......the portal was located in a hidden place around big trees as we stepped in this universe. Once we were fully in, the portal closed meaning that we had to find our answers until Nikolai created another one to get us back. I started to look around to check our surroundings.

"It's feels weird." I started, having the impression that we shouldn't be here as I was feeling cold, the air in that place was cold because it was night.

"We are really into that universe ?" Helen couldn't believe that, looking at me "Or we're back at West-Berlin ?" She added, recognizing the place and me too

"You are arrived in your destination." We could hear Nikolai's voice in our heads, he said he was going to guide us in our task, helping us with the necessary.

"So, it's too late to back down, right ?" Helen asked, smirking

"Exactly !" I replied with an smile "Nikolai, where are we ?"

"You're not far from the same safehouse you're using in West-Berlin." He said, sounding sure of himself "Join the place and find a good place to hide near its main entrance."

"Understood." Helen nodded before leading the way forwards and I followed her.

We walked for a while until we can finally have the safehouse in sight, the same one like in our universe. Nothing was weird about it as we got closer but then, we could spot.....another Helen leaned against the garage door, awaiting for something. It was the other Helen from that universe and I could see that my Helen were shocked to see herself, same as me. We couldn't let ourselves be spotted by her so we needed to find a better place to hide.

Nikolai guided us and adviced us to get on the rooftop of the safehouse to have a better look on the surroundings but also inside as there were a part of the ceilling where we could be able to look inside and also hear what they can said. For climbing on that rooftop, we decided to use our powers and it was much easy than to use the pipe. Helen was amazed when she started to levitate too, showing to me that she was like me and I think she start to like it too.

Once we were on the rooftop, we decided to stay hidden, keeping a look to the main entrance as the other Helen was still awaiting against the garage door. Helen was intrigued on something,

"She has the same clothes as me." She thought, her hand on her chin "Nikolai, how did you succeed to have my clothes ?" She asked to him in our head

"Powers." He simply said.

"Wait, you said that you were wearing the same clothes when we found each other again." I started, looking at Helen "Does that mean....."

"The date is the February 24th 1981." Nikolai replied, cutting me short

"Is that normal ?" Helen started to ask "We're in another universe and back in time ?"

"Yes." Nikolai muttered "It was the only date where you could have your answer without having any much troubles." He added

"I understand what you mean." I told him with an smile before Helen gestured to me,

"Someone's coming." She said as we heard a car arriving at the safehouse. We lied down in cover as the people get out of the car : we could see Russell Adler and our person in interest, I could say.

"Bell, welcome to West-Berlin." Adler started, taking something in his pocket, a cigarette and lighting it before looking back at Bell "We have a job to do !" Both then arrived near their Helen who knocked two times on the door as a signal to open it "Park."

"Adler." She said, harshly, taking a bag that was just at her feets before looking at Bell "Bell." This time, she was sounding more happy with her than with him.....Guess that it's a common thing in every universe. The trio then enter the safehouse, the door staying open and we decided to join the part where we could observe everyone inside : it was weird to see Lazar normally and different now.

"Okay, everyone, gather up." Adler exclaimed, gesturing to everyone to come near the same dashboard at the same place as in our universe. "You all know why we're here today : we have been asked to track a soviet spy we called 'Perseus'." He started before smoking his cigarette "However, our leads against him are very limited and we only have this as our only lead." He put his hand on a file that was on his desk, the same I have decrypted.

"Our analysts in the MI6 and those in the CIA weren't able to decypher that file meaning....." Their Helen added, joining the briefing

"Meaning that we have to revisit an old ops from 13 years ago." Adler cut her straight, I could see anger on Helen on the ground and next to me.

"Damn, doc', you're talking about Vietnam and 'Fracture Jaw' ?" Sims asked and Adler nodded

"It's our only lead and Bell will help us." He said, looking at her

"I will but....I think I need some moments to think about it and to install myself here." Bell told him, we could see an worried on Adler's face before he gain back an straight face

"Okay, it's fine." Adler sighed "The others, free time until Bell is cleared to talk about it." He ordered, meaning the end of that little briefing as everyone goes in their separate ways : Bell decided to go in the dorm as their Helen was back outside. We decided to move next to the cover we used to have a view on the entrance as we saw Adler joining their Helen who started to smoke.

"What do you want, Adler ?" She asked to him in a hard tone, hearing him arrive

"I wanted to make things clear, Park." He said, concerned "With Bell, we all need to stay an simple team."

"Why ?" She told him, sounding surprised

"You know well that Bell is someone we need to watch closely, remember ?" He was sounding so clear in his voice like everything was normal as me & Helen were wondering what was the deal with Bell. "I'm asking you to not be acting like best friends with her, it's not because you put her in the MI6 that you had to stick together with her as the only women around."

"Is this a problem for you ?" She said, raising an eyebrow "She's an human being, it's not my fault if you can't see things normally. I can thanks Lazar to think the same along me."

"Tell what you want to say." He clenched his fists "But my orders stay clear : with Bell, it's only professional. Lazar got the same thing from me."

"What did he say about it ?" She asked, not looking at him anymore

"That he will think about it." He replied and she smiled at him

"Then you have my answer : I will think about it." She said to him, smirking, he rolled his eyes in desesperation before walking inside the safehouse, leaving her alone "Douchebag !" She whispered, enough to be hear by us. Yeah, she's right about him.

Once their little discussion were done, me & Helen decided to leave that rooftop by the same way we got on it to join the ground level. When we were back on the same level, we walked to get to a hidden location but we saw their Helen was staying outside and unfortunately, we needed to find a way to get in.

"I guess that now, it's all improvisation ?" I whispered to Helen, she nodded.

"We need to think about getting me....Well, her away from the place." She said, looking at herself

"I know what you're thinking : you want to take her place but I need to get in too." I exclaimed, finding out about the plan we were making along our mission. "And we got something to deal with." I pointed to our purples eyes, showing that we can be spotted with that

"Don't worry about this." Nikolai said to us as we started to feel something inside our pockets, we checked it out to find some glasses and when we put them on, I could see that our real eyes color were hidden : her purple right eye were back to her former blue as for me, my eyes were also back to blue.....just to the other views.

"Thanks but we need to find something for the other Helen." I said before I feel something new again in my pockets, I checked it again and this time, I had two creditentials cards in my hand : one with an fake MI6 identity and the other.....were an real one and marked to be affiliated to the CIA. "Seriously ?" I sighed

"I'm sorry, Samantha but you need to improvise for now while I'm still helping around." Nikolai said, sounding sorry

"And what now ?" Helen asked to me.

"Let me take care of it, I'll give you the signal when I'm done with yourself." I smirked at the end, giving her a kiss on the forehead and making her blush before I walked away to join the road, fainting that I have just arrived by walk at this safehouse.

I was so stressed out about this as I was about to talk to Helen but not the one I know meaning that I have to talk to her like I was not knowing her at all. I decide to use my fake MI6 identity card for that as she wasn't sounding so pleased while talking to people inside the CIA. Before I was at her sight, I took a deep breath behind a cover before letting the game begin. I got out of the cover, walking towards her,

"Agent Park ?" I asked sure of myself as I was walking towards her

"Yes." She looked at me worried "Who are you ?" She added, raising an eyebrow

"Julie Nathanson." I replied showing her the fake MI6 card. "MI6"

"Oh, I'm surprised to see a friendly face from the MI6." She said, sounding relieved and throwing her cigarette at her feets "That change from Adler."

"Is there something wrong ?" I asked, sounding worried

"Just the job, things that are preoccupying me a lot." She grinned a little before looking at me "Why are you here ?"

"I'm here because the director will like to see you." I responded, not even sure of my own answer

"The director ?" She leaned backwards "He's here ?"

"Yes, he's in West-Berlin and he asked me to give that info." I said, lying more further

"Where exactly ?" She asked as in my head, I was rapidly trying to find an answer and I had to improvise quickly. I took the first answer I had.

"Sunny Diner." I exclaimed "An typical american diner in the outskirts of the city."

"I see where the place is." She got away from the wall "I suppose that he want to meet me in a matter of time, right ?" I nodded "Well, it's better that I'm on my way." She started to walk to get next to a car parked next to the entrance before looking at me "You came by walking ?" She asked me, curious about how I came

"Yes, a little exercise can help." I smiled at her, wondering about her next question "Don't worry, someone will pick me up soon, I will stay here for a moment and I will be on my very own way."

"Ok, then." She entered the car, removing her suspicious look "Thank you, agent Nathanson. Just watch out and stay out of the safehouse, it's an big advice." She started the car before driving away from the place.

I was so relieved and feeling weird to have done that but it was necessary. Once she was far away, I looked at the direction Helen was hiding and gestured her to join me, hidden just next to the garage door as we needed to talk about our next part of our improvised plan. We disposed off their Helen and now, improvisation is all we were making. Helen arrived next to me, seeing my worried look and she was half laughing about it because of me talking to her without been her actually.

"How it was ?" She asked me

"Hard." I simply said before thinking of the next part "Now, you will see how it feels."

"Yeah." She rolled her eyes "But you're coming with me, I will make the presentation with Adler, I presume."

"We are improvising our entire plan, Helen." I exclaimed to her "We're just maybe at a few meters from having our answers....and we will have to be fast in case."

"Of course." She redressed herself before taking a deep breath "Let's go play my own role." She then opened the way inside the safehouse as I decided to follow her like we said. I was so nervous about this as I could see Lazar....the other Lazar looking at me strangely. Adler was looking at the dashboard when he heard arrived near him.

"Park." He started to said before he turned his back to look at us.....and then, he leaned backwards at my sight, looking so curious and suspicious. "Who is this ?"

"Samantha Maxis, CIA" I offered my hand to him but he was still suspicious, he looked at Park,

"I was clear that I don't accept anymore new agents in the team." He told her clearly, pointing his hand towards me

"Damnit, can you just be normal for once ?" Helen said, taking the same style as the other Helen "She can help us."

"I never heard of you, miss Maxis." He affirmed, looking sure of himself and I needed to improvise

"That's my speciality, Russell Adler." I crossed my arms, smiling at him "I know you well but you don't know me and I think it's better that way." I raised an eyebrow to show him that I wasn't scared of him "I can tell a lot of things about you, things that Park don't know."

"Well, you convinced me." He retracted himself, wanting to not have a complete stranger to talk about his life before he go sit at his desk "So, you're working with the CIA ?"

"Exactly." I replied

"In which department ?" He asked

"Classified information but we used to be call 'Requiem'." My answers caused Helen to look at me with wide eyes....I needed to not get suspicious and I wasn't sure if it was my proudest move I have done here

"Requiem, I supposed that they are very secret." He looked at Park "Why is she here ?"

"She can help with....uhm...Bell." Helen replied, looking around "She's specialized in the type of things we did and she can help Bell to stay focused."

"A woman specialized in brainwashing." He whispered, biting his lips, looking at his desk as me & Helen looked at each other with wide eyes, Did they really brainwashed this Bell ? "I think you want to know more about Bell, right ?" I nodded to his question "You can find her file and what we did back in the archive room in the back next to Lazar workplace." He looked at the supposed place before looking back at us "Just be aware that you need to take it easy with Bell, she's an valuable asset."

"I will do my best." I said before he ordered to dismiss from him. Me & Helen were so relieved that it worked despite everything was against us.

We quickly walked to the archive room and we unlocked the door of it because someone to block it with an padlock. We didn't need to insert an code before I used my strenght to destroy the padlock silently and then we entered the supposed archive room, thinking now about where these files this Adler talked to us were. The room was filled with so many box that we needed to check every one of them and Helen has to help me even if she was supposed to know the place well.

After 5 longs minutes of searching, we finally found the files in questions and a part of our answers about Bell : they named her Jess Blackwell and put her inside the MI6 after Arash Kadivar.....left them for dead in Trabzon. Unfortunately, Helen was getting so bad when we discovered the file, she was seeing that their Park participed in Bell's brainwashing but I recomfort her quickly, knowing that I know well that she will never do something like that and that she was likely forced to do so.

We checked everything that were on the file and once we were done, we put them back to place and we needed now to think about what to do now next.

"So, now that we know everything about Bell, what's the next part ?" I asked

"You could try to corner her in an isolated place in the safehouse and make her talk." Nikolai came back to help us, advicing us.

"But she was brainwashed." Helen said, looking outside the room

"You can use your powers but Samantha will need to do it." Nikolai told us "You will need to use the key-phrase Adler is using to be able to find out." Helen started to wonder around trying to find out what it could be because there were nothing in the files talking about a key-phrase.....until I found out what was the phrase.

"We have a job to do !" I whispered, guessing the phrase "He's using that phrase everytime even in our universe."

"She's right : I just checked that info and Adler seems to use that key-phrase a lot in the Multiverse." Nikolai added, giving some smile to Park.

"Now with that answer, we need to find an way to corner Bell." Helen looked at me and I looked at her

"The dorm." I exclaimed "She's still in there, right ?" She nodded "Okay, once she got out, we get to her and we got her back into that room." I got away from the desk I was leaned against "Then, we are getting our answer." When I was finished, we hear a door opening and Helen checked where was the noise, it was the door of the dorm opening and Bell was getting out.

"Okay, let's go." Helen ordered me to follow her as she got out of the room to join Bell. It was time for us to have what we need. Helen decided that it was better to be the one who talk first. Bell just arrived at the desk that supposed to hers when Helen arrived next to her. "Bell, you're okay ?" She asked first

"Uhm....I'm okay, I guess." Bell replied, worried

"You're sure ? You're looking pale." Helen said as we could see Bell's face getting all white

"I...I think I need to get back to the dorm, I feel like I can't talk about Vietnam." She said as Helen put her hands on her shoulders "I think I need a coffee." Helen put her hand in Bell's back before looking at me.

"Samantha, can you prepare a coffee for Bell ?" She ordered me, winking that it was our shot but I needed to make sure that we weren't going to be too suspicious. I nodded as Helen was walking with Bell back to the dorm, leaving me alone.

I decided to comply to her order and to walk next to the coffee machine that was at the same spot in our universe. I took a cup and prepare the coffee. While the coffee was getting ready, I looked around the safehouse : it was feeling so weird to be in the same place but in another universe. Somehow, I could have feel Greta & Yirina presence next to me and I really hope that they're okay and not in danger. I was wondering if they were having some powers like us and that was an question I was going to ask to Nikolai when we will back at the new House.

It was weird to see Lazar like that, he was normal but it was weird. I was thinking about how this Lazar was feeling about Bell and according to what we heard with Helen between their Adler and their Helen, he was getting in the same line as her. He's still a good man for me but Monty mind-controlled him, I hope that we can save him from Monty's control if we can do it....like I want to save Eddie. Adler was somehow still acting the same in that universe : dangerous and paranoid.....like in every universe, I think.

But then, a vision of horror came when I saw their Helen return from that supposed meeting, causing me to turn my back to the entrance. When I saw her, she was walking towards Adler's desk. I couldn't move of fear.

"Park.....but....I thought you were already inside the safehouse !" Adler exclaimed, having saw her.

"What are you talking about ?" She said, concerned in an harsh tone "I just came back here."

"What do you mean ? You were gone ?" Adler told her as I could hear him getting up from his chair.

"Yeah, an MI6 agent came in, saying that I needed to meet with the MI6 director and I just came back because there were nobody." She admitted as I hoped that she was not going to see me

"Well, I can't help you with that." He laughed, joking about her and forgetting everything before taking a seat again "By the way, how's your CIA friend Samantha Maxis ?"

"Who ?" She said in a questioning tone "I don't know any Samantha Maxis !"

"Aw shit !" I whispered to myself silently

I realized that I was going to blow my cover by staying here like an idiot but I couldn't run away without Helen and without having our answer. We have gone far and I couldn't foiled our mission. I looked behind me as I saw Adler and their Helen slowly looking at me. I had no other choice right now. I needed to walk fast inside the dorm without looking back. I took a last look around me and I started to walk as fast as I can to the dorm as I could hear Adler calling me out. I couldn't stop walking and I changed my mind as I start to run towards the dorm.

I opened the door quickly to the dorm where I could see Bell and Helen next to the bed which I suppose to be Bell's one. Once I was in, I closed the door.

"What's wrong ?" Helen asked me as she could see my perfect worried face "Oh no..." She said, slowly guessing the situation

"You came back and they're going to be here soon." I replied, still holding the door

"Who came back ?" Bell asked, curious before Helen get next to her, her hands on her shoulders,

"Listen, Bell." She started "You need to help us."

"What's the problem with me ?" Bell said, looking confused but we couldn't hide it anymore, Helen removed her glasses, showing at Bell, her eyes,

"We need you to be cooperative." She pleaded before removing her hands "We need something from you."

"Samantha, I blocked the door, they're not able to open it until you will be both away from here." Nikolai told me, allowing me to get away from the door and to join the two. "Bell, we want to help you but we need your help first."

"Park, who is she ?" Bell looked at Helen, worried

"You don't need to worry, she will help you, we will." Helen added before she let me get in front of Bell to check the door, I removed my glasses, showcasing my eyes to Bell.

"Don't be afraid, I'm not here to hurt you but only to help." I said, getting close to Bell,

"What do you want ?" She asked me as she sit on her bed, scared but willing to let me help her

"I need you....to close your eyes and let me do what I need to do, okay ?" I replied and she nodded, still scared. She closed her eyes as I put two fingers of each hands on her both forehead sides. I could feel getting inside her head. "Okay, relax and stay focused." She nodded, looking like she wanted to cry and then, I took a deep breath and my eyes went fully purple.....

"Bell, we have a job to do !"

When I told her that, she was showing signs of resist but then, she started to stabilize herself, letting me doing what I needed to do. I could see her memories.....her real memories, not those Adler gave to her. The first real memory I could see was when she was left for dead at Trabzon, I could relive that memory inside her body as she was shot 3 times by Kadivar. She was looking troubled because she was living that memory too and some tears appeared on her face but she was staying focused.

Then, I could see others memories of her getting tortured by the CIA. Tied up on a chair and beaten up by Adler but it wasn't always like that, Helen was there too but she was always talking nice with her and never gave her an punch or anything else to brutalize her. Their Helen was so kind to Bell and she was having feeling for her and it was reciprocal. Bell smiled at seeing those memories with Helen but angry when it was the CIA. She was realizing that she wasn't really an MI6 agent and that she was brainwashed, making her cry.

I told her to stay focused, holding back my own tears as she wasn't deversing that at all, she was very kind and I can't let her suffer enough. Then, I could see myself in her body, attending an meeting with.....Perseus himself, unmasked. There were also others members from Perseus group : Volkov, Arash Kadivar and others persons that I didn't know the identity but no signs of Peck or Valentina since they have no links with Perseus in that universe. Perseus was talking but then, everything come to black for me as for Bell, she was still feeling it.

"Bell, you're okay ?" I asked worried, not removing my fingers

"I'm....okay." She replied in a low voice

"Did you hear what Perseus fully said ?" I told her and she nodded "Where's Perseus ?" She opened her eyes, looking at me with tears and she smiled.....

"From the safety......of Solovetsky."

It....it was the answer we've been looking for : the real location Monty was going to be. Nikolai was clear about that subject : in every universe, Perseus is always at the same location. I looked at Bell who smiled before getting pale again and falling on the bed, weak. I tried to not make her fall but it was too late, she was too weak to move but she could still speak and look at me.

"It's going to be okay, Bell." I told her

"You're sure ?" She asked, putting all of her strenght in it

"Don't worry, we will make sure of that !" I said with an smile. "Nikolai, it's done." When I finished, we could hear the beginning of a formation of an portal at the end of the room. "Take some rest, it will be okay." I admitted before I started to walk away, getting next to Helen who were awaiting for me as the portal was fully there.

"How're you feeling ?" Helen asked to me, worried

"I don't know, I wish that we could help her more about her true self." She then handed over her hand and we both joined hands together.

"I'm sure that we will do it, Sam." She affirmed before looking at the portal "Ready, Sammy ?" Then back at me with lovely eyes, her right one brighting at my sight. I could only smile at seeing her, knowing that she always the truth to me,

"I am, Sapphire. It's time to go home."

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

do you have any tip for writing regularly? like having a schedule or how much time do you spend writing your fic, cause i'm one of your AO3 subscriber and i notice that your story is updated very often and i admire you for having a writing regularly. i'm trying to start writing myself but i spent 3 hours writing last week and i hadn't written anything else ever since lol. sorry if you've received similar asks like this before, and thanks for your answer!!

The best thing to remember is that everyone writes at their own pace. There have been times on my old blog and even a few times here that I didn't post for a while. I tend not to focus on getting enough to post, more so just letting myself write. So even if I dont have time to write a whole chapter, I'll try at least to write for 15 minutes a day. Then at least you are still in the habit and the next time you open your doc you don't feel overwhelmed as long as you chipping away at it, even little by little.

Also, I try to never force my fics. A lot of people dislike when I hop around but if I don't feel particularly inclined to write a certain thing, I'll write something else.

Also breaks. I'm working on those. Try not to be like I have to write, try to look at what you've done and say okay, I wrote a sentence, or a paragraph, or whatever. I can take some time and read or have a snack or play a game, etc.

Having a schedule isnt "I'm going to write this whole chapter by this time." It's I'm going to write every day even if it's a sentence or a whole paragraph or several chapters.

Be kind and patient with yourself.

Hope that helped.

[snarkwrites]

i wish i were that anon because that is a really great title and you posting about it just made me think of the title for the sequel: "throwing stones." (it would most definitely have to be angst because how can anything titled that be fluff??????) anyway i'm done i'll leave you alone now 🖤

Bless you for this follow up title. I love you so so so much for it, you have no idea. This gave me the perfect opportunity to play around with more angst.The first part to this is [ here ] if you wanna read it. 

Tag Squad : ( for the SOA version ) @rampagewriting | @chasingeverybreakingwave | @kyleoreillysknee | @sassymox

( for the stranger things version ) @rampagewriting |

[ tag list doc - add yourself or I won’t tag ] | [ masterlist ] | [ keep ‘em comin - these are hella fun ]

                       STEVE HARRINGTON x CHARLOTTE (oc)

“You’re acting weird lately.” Nancy’s accusatory tone had me looking up from the textbook in front of me and across the table to her. I licked my lips and swallowed hard, studying her a second or two. “How so?” I finally asked, tapping my ink pen against the tabletop.

“Every single time Steve shows up, you get moody. I know what happened but he’s not like that anymore.” Nancy’s words came in a rush, tumbling on top of each other and I took a deep breath, letting them sink in and trying to think of a response. Any response but the truth.

Because I’m just not ready to wrap my head around that just yet, god no. 

I tried simple deflection first. Blatantly ignoring the fact that I knew perfectly well she was right and she had a good point. To pretend like I wasn’t fully aware that every time Steve and I were forced to interact now, thanks to the two of them dating, the air wasn’t so heavy with tension that I couldn’t breathe. That I didn’t get moody and snippy.

“I’m not. It’s just.. Finals. Dad’s having problems with bookkeeping down at the garage too so I’m helping him as much as I can there, too.. I barely sleep. I’m sorry?”

It wasn’t entirely a lie. Business for my father has been super slow lately and it’s worrying him, I can tell. Finals are getting closer too and to my shock, this year hasn’t been as easy for me as all the ones prior to. My grades are all over the place and it’s bothering me because I know that maybe I’m focusing a little too much on the fun and not my future. Because until this year? I really didn’t… Have a whole lot of fun.

Deep down though, I wasn’t sorry. I couldn’t handle being around Steve a lot. I did not handle it well at all. Because being around him lead to all those fucking pesky feelings I still somehow have to flood right back and given that Nancy seems reasonably happy, I just.. Didn’t want to ruin that.

And then there was the fact that lately, Jonathan and I have been talking more and maybe I feel a little bit guilty about that, too. Because I don’t know if Nancy’s ever told Barb this but she’s told me… She really did have a serious thing for him. As far as I know, that hadn’t changed. Until I got back from summer camp this year and everything pretty much had.

To sum it up, I know I hate change and I know I’m not handling it the best way.

My silence must have been too much, because Nancy cleared her throat. “You know you can tell me if something really is wrong… Right?”

I gave a soft laugh and nodded, twisting the pen between my fingertips as I leaned the chair back on two legs a little. “I know. And if there were, I would. I promise, Nancy. Nothing is wrong.”

“Then could you try being friends with Steve? For me?”

“I… Okay, yeah. Sure. I’ll try being friends with him.”

Jonathan walked into the library and I bit my lip, giving him a sheepish wave as he made his way over to our table, sitting down beside me and leaning in to whisper, “I swear to God I thought the teacher was never going to just shut up.”

Nancy looked from me to him and she bit her lip. I could see the brief look of hurt in her eyes and I swallowed hard, the guilt flooding me despite Jonathan and I only being friends. I smiled a little and spoke up. “It’s okay if Jonathan joins us to study, right? Because he’s a thousand times better at this math malarkey than me. He’s been a huge help.”

Jonathan beamed at my words of praise. Nancy, not so much.To an extent, I was dreading the conversation I knew we were going to have later that night. But then, deeper down, parts of me were kind of… well, I was more than a little too smug.

And that made me feel like the most horrible friend ever.

Steve peeked into the library, waving as he flashed a bright grin at Nancy. Nancy gestured him over and I tensed a little. I could feel Jonathan watching me when I did it, so I glanced over at him and bit my lip. He gave me this nod as if to say he understood and I swallowed hard, playing with my hair as I trained my gaze diligently on the book open between Jonathan and I now.

Steve plopped into the chair beside Nancy and broke the heavy, tension filled silence. “I’m having a party at my house this weekend. You two should totally come.” 

The pen shot out of my hands and I grabbed for it quickly. After settling back into my seat, I eyed Steve, shocked to find him already staring at me, a curious look in his eyes. And then a smirk playing at his mouth, almost a teasing one at that. “That means you too, Byers.”

Jonathan and I both tensed up a little because it didn’t take an idiot to see that Steve was up to something. We shared a look and Jonathan spoke up first, begging off. Saying he had stuff to do with Will. I pouted to myself a little briefly, but then I shrugged. “We’ll see. I mean, my dad is still kind of pissed about me sneaking off to Chicago with my aunt last weekend but maybe I can talk him into at least letting me stop by?”

I did it to appease Nancy. But I could tell that Jonathan showing up to study with me and me not having already mentioned that Jonathan and I were getting to be friends lately, well… I pretty much knew the damage was done.

And that bothered me a lot.

I did not want this to create even more tension between Nancy and I. She’s my best friend. We’ve been best friends since we were three. I didn’t want that to be another thing that changed this year.

,, but something tells me that it’s happening, whether I want it to or not.” as quickly as the thought came, I shoved it back out.

                       JUICE ORTIZ x HAZEL (oc)

“Don’t you have crow eaters to bother?” if I sounded tense when I asked the question it was because I’d had to watch them hanging all over him all night. And watch him, eating it up. And damn it, that was torture for me. Sheer hell. So I was frazzled by this point. And here he came, probably back to pick another fight.

As if the three arguments he tried starting earlier weren’t enough.

I reached out and grabbed for the pink Zippo sitting between us on top of the picnic table out back and I lit my cigarette, taking several long drags and letting them escape into the night air. Juice was just sitting there quietly and he really wasn’t saying anything. His gaze fell to his hands and he took a deep breath.

Heard Mayans have been given you trouble, Haze.”

I rolled my eyes. Goddamn Trager. I told him not to breathe a word to anyone about that one asshole who followed me home last night after trying to cop a feel when I was on stage dancing. He swore he wouldn’t and yet…

Juice makes exactly the second person to ask about the incident. Does no one in this goddamn MC know how to actually keep a secret?

I laughed at the passing wonder as it left my mind. Juice cleared his throat. “You know that club’s fuckin dangerous.”

“Yeah?” I eyed him for a few seconds, blowing out another smoky breath. Tearing my eyes off of him, I stared up at the sky. All the stars twinkling above. “If you came out here to lecture me, trust me.. Both my mother and Jax have been giving me literal shit fits for taking the gig at that club. It’s not going to change my mind. I want to dance. I’m not afraid.”

“It’s not you, either.” Juice spoke up, glancing over at me. “You weren’t like this.”

“I was still a fucking kid.” I said it through a jaw tightly clenched and then I sighed. “Why do you even care, anyway?”

He shrugged, not answering my question. Bold of me to assume he does in fact care, I guess . It hit me then just how much that bothered me. My shoulders slumped and I stared down at the bench my feet sat on top of. “I can’t believe you look down on what I’m doing too. You were the one who always said do what makes me happy, Juice.”

“But this? Really? Between that and the drinking so much. Don’t think I didn’t see ya slammin back shots earlier tonight with those bikers who stopped in from the Arizona charter.” 

“They were buying them, what the hell’s the point in letting them go wasted, huh? I’m not working, so it’s not like I was drinking on the clock.” I looked up, directly over at him. He opened his mouth, only to close it again.

“You play it safe, Hazel. You always have. For fucks sake, you fuckin walked away because there was even a small chance I might get hurt when I told you I wanted to pledge and Jax was talkin me up on it.” 

I took a deep breath, shoving my hands into the pocket of my jacket because they were starting to shake, it was taking that much to keep from blurting out the entire reason behind my decision back then. Or to tell him that I very much regretted my decision now. And that if life came with a rewind button, I’d gladly hit it and go back.

Instead, I shrugged. “Yeah. I did.” it was honestly all I could say. I slid off the table top, grabbing my pack of cigarettes and my lighter, slinking through the back door into the bar because my break was over.

And it took literally everything in me not to cry. Not to go track him down among the crowd, shove him against the wall and kiss him until I was light headed and his lips were bruised. Sooner or later, I’m going to crack.

I know this.

But until then, I’m just letting him have his anger and get it out. Because frankly, I deserve all of it. His concern for me out back of the bar tonight though… It was something I truly had not been expecting.

[doctorgerth]

Hey Doc! Here's the thing: ever since I was a child I got the idea implanted in my head that crying equals weakness. I was always ashamed when I cried and thought I didn't derserve any attention or affection for being so "weak" around others. Now as an adult it's still hard for me to let go when I'm sad, I always need a heavy trigger and even then most of the time I suppress it. How would Ace, Law and Kid react to such behaviour from their s/o? Thanks in advance, have a lovely day 😊

Hi, lovely anon! First and foremost, I just want to say I am so happy that you feel comfortable enough to tell me about this struggle. I wish I could hug you and tell you that is normal and healthy to cry! Your crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s you expressing human emotion and it’s a beautiful thing. Never bottle things up, it only leads to explosion, and your loved ones don’t want to see you go through that and you shouldn’t put yourself through that! I hope you continue to grow stronger and braver in your expression of emotions. You deserve all the affection and comfort. If you ever need anything, please never hesitate to message me! 

With that being said, I hope you enjoy how your request turned out! x

HCs Ace, Law, Kid with Suppressible S/O (Angst)

Ace

“It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.”

- Ace is one to suppress sadness as well, so he can relate to your ordeal. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t break his heart. He feels completely safe to be emotionally vulnerable around you, why don’t you feel the same way?

- He always wants to be there to comfort you when you’re sad, but he never sees that side of you. You’ve seen him break down and cry a few times, why hasn’t he seen you do that? You two have gone through a lot of shit together. A lot of deaths, fights, and just emotionally draining events, but he has never once seen a single tear from you. Why?

- He ponders on this for far too long, becoming increasingly sad watching you interact happily with others. What if you’ve just been masking your sadness all this time, like him? What if you suffer from the same existential anxiety that he does? Watching you for so long really helps him to learn about himself and his own emotions.

- It’s very subtle, but Ace knows the look better than anyone. He notices when your smile slowly drops and your eyes just deadpan, like you’re subconsciously going somewhere else, like you want to be anywhere but here. He can see the anxiousness from you as you look around scanning at all the people around you. This is when you typically see if anyone is paying attention to you desperately seeking solace in solitude. He’ll look away quickly, pretending as if he doesn’t know what your next plan is. You’ll sneak away to lock yourself in your room. Ace shamelessly follows and will just stand outside your door, waiting. Sometimes, he’ll put an ear to the door, hoping to hear something, anything.

- All you ever offer is silence though, and Ace simply can’t stand it. He knows you’re crying in there. Why are you holding back? There comes a day when he decides enough is enough, he is going to help you. So when you’re locked in your room one day, you hear a light knock on the door.

- Ace simply responds with walking in, closing the door behind him, and taking you into his arms, offering the utmost comforting and loving embraces. He’s spent months trying to figure out just what to say to you, just how to make you feel safe with him, “I know you’ve been hiding your sadness. And we both know I’m the world’s worst about doing that too, but god, I can’t stand seeing you do it. I just want to tell you, and I guess myself, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. No one here expects you to be strong all the time, especially me. Whatever is making you feel so sad, we can overcome it, together. Just let go, I’m here.”

- When you explain to him your past and your personal views on crying, he can’t help but break down right there. You remind him so much of him and it absolutely kills him. He tells you over and over again how strong you are and how he’ll make sure you never feel so helpless ever again. You spend the rest of the night just crying and being vulnerable together. Ace will continue to give you your space when desired, but he always offers you his shoulder when you just need to cry. 

Law

“You don’t have to hide anything around me.”

- Law is the king of suppression. Like Ace and you, he definitely prefers to hide his sadness. Law doesn’t like to look weak in front of enemies and potential threats, sure, but what gets him most is looking weak and vulnerable in front of his crew. He’s their captain and is meant to protect and fight for them; he can’t look weak even for a second or they’ll stop believing in him. It breaks his heart to see the look of concern and worry from those he loves. He feels safe and emotionally open around his crew, but he can’t stand when they worry about him.

- Which, of course goes the same for you. But he would never expect you to hide your emotions from him. He’s had multiple instances with his crew mates crying to him/around him, but he’s never once had to comfort you. He understands your facial expressions and mannerisms better than anyone else. He can just feel when you’re sad, but he never actually sees it. Which is how you have fooled the crew time and time again, but not him.

- When a particularly tragic event occurs, and he sees not even a single tear roll down your face, he is immediately concerned. He studies you from afar, waiting for you to crack, but you remain as stoic as ever. The only significant difference being the way you avert your eyes when someone meets yours. To anyone, your smile looks genuine, happy, reassuring, but he can see right through that. He can feel the emotional energy draining from you as you walk past him straight to your room.

- He is always respectful of your privacy, but the curiosity of just what you’re doing in there all alone eats away at him every single time. Why can’t you come cry in his office like everyone else? Why don’t you ask him to hold you or to tell you everything will be okay? Is he doing something wrong? Is there a reason you never seek solace in him?

- All he wants to do is talk to you. Just let him in, that’s all he asks. He’s never wanted to console anyone, not even himself, more than he wants to console you. He can feel your pain and how bad you want to release it. Why are you shutting him out?

- Law waits and waits for you to open the door. When you finally do, he merely slides his way in, simply looking over you. Searching for any evidence of crying. You offer him nothing as you always make sure to rid yourself of any trace of weakness before meeting the eyes of your lover and crew again. He reaches for your hand, and the way you retract out of instinct so quickly, he can’t help but ask every question he’s been dying to know the answer to. When you tell him how you feel about crying, and how you don’t deserve to be comforted for being so weak, he simply takes your face in his hands, “Crying doesn’t equal weakness, it just means you’re human. It’s perfectly normal and absolutely healthy to cry when you need to. You’re one of the strongest people I know, because you never have to pretend to be. I might not ever express myself clearly around you, but I never hide anything from you. Therefore, you don’t have to hide anything around me. You can always come to me for comfort. Don’t you ever force yourself to go through things alone again. I’m here, I’m always here.”

- Law makes it a point to check on you, from afar of course, at least once everyday. He’s a little unsettled, scared you might be holding back from him again. But, he’s a patient man, and he’s done what he could do to show you he is your support system. Seeing your genuine smile really made him feel at ease, as he hadn’t seen that true smile in a long time.

Kid

“You’re allowed to feel weak.”

- Kid is the type that when he feels an emotion, he feels it to the extreme. When he is happy, he’s really happy, when he’s angry, he’s really angry, when he’s sad, he’s really sad.

- So learning that you suppress your sadness doesn’t really register to him? He’s an open book, always expressing his emotions freely, no matter the consequence. If a tough guy like Kid, the future Pirate King himself, can openly cry, surely you should feel the same freedom?

- Seeing you lock yourself in your room time and time again after a rough day, a tragedy, a death, whatever, he just assumes you need your space. That’s okay, Kid can respect that. But it’s the way you always walk out of that room after hours of isolation, pretending like everything is okay, as if you were never upset that really worries him.

- Kid can be an observant guy, especially with his partner. He takes notice of your patterns and habits regarding your emotions. He sees you express everything so clearly, so defined, and then he finally realizes he’s never seen you cry. He can’t explain why, but that really bothers him after all the time you have spent together. It’s not that he wants to see you cry, he’s just concerned that you can’t?

- He will of course approach you about this during one of your shut in times. He’ll bust through the door, disregarding your demand for privacy, and when he finally sees those tears on your cheeks, the contortion of your face, the broken, helpless look in your eyes…he breaks down. He pulls you to him, simply out of instinct, trying his best to comfort you; anything to make the tears stop. You scrambling, begging for him to leave you alone and to let you go really upsets him.

- When you tell him about your past, getting the idea implanted in your head that crying equals weakness, he just scoffs at you, but now he finally understands, “You can’t be strong all the time, stupid. You’re allowed to feel weak as long as you have the courage to become stronger, like me! Even in your moments of weakness, you’re still the fierce, courageous woman I fell in love with. No matter how much you cry, that will never change. Now get your ass up and let me hold you, dammit. I’m here to comfort you.”

- Kid is oddly patient with you, realizing it will take time before you can openly cry in front of him. He’s completely content if he’s the only one who ever gets to see you cry. He just knows better than anyone that holding in your emotions makes you explode, and he doesn’t want that to ever happen to you. He truly tries in your relationship (he wouldn’t be wasting his time if he wasn’t dedicated) so making you feel secure in your emotions is a top priority. He’ll cry with you if you ask him to. And he will absolutely obliterate anyone who says anything negative about you crying, crew member or not.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

WARNING: Sensuality, including a first time with fingering.

CHAPTER THREE

Indeed, Jennifer Punzel was standing at the door. She looked exactly the same as the last time Anna had seen her, all bright smiles and soft hair. Punz.

Until Anna saw her in that moment, she hadn't realised just how much she'd missed her. Dashing forward, she swept her into her arms and held her close, grateful for a familiar face. One that hadn't changed the way everything else had. She picked her up bodily and swung her around in a circle, literally flinging one of her ballet flats across the entrance hall into the corner.

"Whoa, whoa!" she giggled, though she was clearly pleased with the reaction. "Okay, I get it, you're happy to see me – and that's not just a banana in your pocket!"

"Stupid," she choked out in an overcome, affectionate voice. Then she set her down and pulled back to grin down at her soft cheeks, pressing their foreheads together.

"McFly, what the heck? You act like you haven't seen me in a week."

"I haven't."

"Dork." Shaking her head, Punz leaned up to kiss her nose. Anna fought back her surprise; it seemed not everything was the same as she'd left it. Once more, something had changed for the better. "Are we all set for the lake tonight? I was kinda worried when you weren't up yet this morning, but we have plenty of time left."

Alarmed, she blinked over at Elsa. Was it still alright for her to go with Jennifer, after everything that had happened? Could she handle being in the moment with her when they could no longer be each other's firsts now? It was a truly sad thought; she didn't mean for any of this to happen, but the plan had been to be the first ones to explore each other's pants before Doc's crazy time machine wrecked that whole idea.

But not just their pants. Anna had wanted Punz to be her first, in every possible way. First love, first kiss…first everything. Her only, if everything worked out. Sure, Anna hadn't 'returned the favor', but it wasn't exactly a one-sided affair. Should she keep it a secret? Should she refrain from telling Punz that she wasn't… untouched?

Eyes falling to Elsa, briefly, Anna came to a decision: it didn't matter. Virginity was antiquated, and it didn't lessen Punz's importance in her life. She couldn't undo her actions, but she could make sure that her future ones were exactly what she wanted.

She just needed to make sure she knew what she wanted.

Turning to Elsa, not letting go of Punz, she said, "Mom? That okay? Can… I go?"

"Of course," Elsa said with a wide smile. "We have all the time in the world to talk when you get back." That was obviously intended to be more meaningful than the words would convey to Jennifer, of course. "Have fun, you two."

"Great!" Punz latched onto Anna's arm and dragged her back to her bedroom to begin packing. But all the while, her thoughts were still stubbornly stuck in the living room, with the woman she thought would vanish when she returned to the present.

                              ~ o ~

The lake was beautiful this time of year, when the Autumn was just beginning to grip the trees and turn them red and gold. Many of them would never turn, due to how far south in California they were, but it was still quite majestic to look out over.

"Man… I can't believe we're finally doing this," Anna sighed as she stretched her limbs, gazing out over the water.

Jennifer gave a small chuckle. "Well, after you flaked on me last night, I was wondering if we were going to get a chance," she said, though there was no bite to her words. Anna still turned her head away, blushing.

"Yeah… sorry about that. I dunno what happened." At least that wasn't a lie. Anna really had no idea what she'd done yesterday in this life. But they were here now. The water was smooth and clear, reflecting the sun as it sank towards the horizon. It wasn't quite sunset, but the air was growing cool. Anna only really first noticed it when Punz sidled up, just a little so their shoulders were touching.

Anna didn't mean to compare. But now that she had some experience, she couldn't help herself. Elsa had been so forceful; for a closeted queer of the mid-80s, Elsa had been really… bold. By contrast, Punz was tentative. Careful. Anna would have been, too, if the last week hadn't happened.

Not now, though. Looking over at her friend, Anna knew what she wanted.

"Jen…" Her hand came up to comb through her soft brown forelocks, brushing them back and over her ear as she leaned closer. "I don't know why this took us so long, but… I think there's no better place."

"Jen?" she whispered with a little chuckle. "What happened to 'Punz'? Or is this too serious for nicknames?"

"It's pretty serious." Taking her hands, she squeezed them gently. "I'm so happy to be with you. And I mean like… be with you."

That did startle the other girl, and she blinked as her breath caught. "Wh… o-oh. Anna, I…" Biting her lip for a moment, she looked away and down, then back up at her. "Yeah. Maybe we're ready. And I think I have been for a really, really long time, I just… well, y'know. Friends first, and all that crap."

"Yeah, that crap," she chuckled. They were getting closer, and closer still. Anna's eyes slid closed, feeling hot breath on her lips…

And she saw her mother in her mind's eye. Leaning in to kiss her on the bed in their house before it was their house, surging across the car seats to take her lips. Comforting her in the living room, even with Anna being as disgusting as she possibly could be.

Her head turned away at the very last second, pressing into Punz's cheek. It wasn't going to work. Yes, she did care her, but she couldn't use that to drive out other feelings, towards other people, that easily.

"Anna?" came the trembling question into her ear, and Anna's hands twitched to clamp down harder on her soft shoulders before she removed them entirely. She didn't deserve to touch Punz, not with what she was about to reveal.

"Something… something happened…" Anna said softly. "And it's been weird, and a mess, and I don't really understand it myself. But I think we gotta… I gotta tell you before we keep going."

She had to pause to gather her thoughts. Punz pulled away, just a little, to look Anna in the eye. God she looked so beautiful. Anna raised a hand, wanting to touch her friend but unable to convince herself to actually do it. She didn't deserve to yet.

"I want this with you," she whispered. "So bad. For a long time! But I don't know how much would be because of my feelings for you, or because of how much I want to… to run away from my feelings for someone else. And that's not cool." Closing her eyes, cards on the table, she spoke around the tightness in her chest. "It sounds so cliché to say, 'it's not you, it's me', but there's no other way to put it. I fucked up. And until I can give all of myself to… exploring what we have… it's not fair to use you to like, erase my other feelings. That's bad. I might not know much, but I know that."

It was obvious that Jen didn't know how to react. Anna had expected that. Pulling away entirely, she gave a self-deprecating laugh. "And now I'm screwing up our weekend, too. God…"

"Hey, no," Punz said, her voice uncertain. Very uncertain, but apparently she wasn't going anywhere. "You haven't messed anything up."

"Yes, I have… I really have. God, why can't I just…" Her hands fisted against her forehead, clutching at the bangs that normally fell there, messing up her braids.

"Anna! Whoa, whoa…" Punz gently pried the hands away, caressing over her wrists as she did so. "Listen. I'm… we've been hanging out forever. It makes sense you would want to try… I don't know, just see what's out there? Whatever it is- whoever it is, I'm not gonna be upset."

That prompted a humourless laugh from Anna. Oh, if she only knew… but she couldn't cross that bridge. Not just yet, if ever. "I don't deserve you."

"Maybe not." They both shared a wry little smile, even if Anna was feeling it a lot more than before. "But… can I ask for one thing? In exchange for how completely cool about this I'm being right now."

"Name it," she snorted.

"Kiss me." Her hands wrapped around the collar of Anna's shirt, pulling her in close. "Just do it. Once. I want you to know what you're missing when you're… well, when you're 'thinking things over'."

So that was her game plan. She could tell that Punz had already painted a possible image in her mind of what happened. The night they were supposed to go to the lake, Anna met another woman, fell for her, and now she couldn't make up her mind. Which, in a way, was true… even if it wasn't so cut-and-dry as all that.

"You'd still kiss me? Even after I told you that?" For the hundredth time that day, she could feel wetness gathering at the corners of her eyes.

When Punz gave a chuckle, it sounded like she was on the verge of tears herself. Even as her face moved ever clsoer. "Well… yeah."

Oh. Anna couldn't deny that she wanted to kiss Punz. Jennifer. But she wanted a lot of things. She longed for a life not messed over by time travel and- and incest, oh god! But she shook that thought from her head. Now wasn't the time for that. Punz deserved that, at least. So, trembling, she nodded.

"Only- only if you want," Anna said softly. Punz smiled and leaned closer.

"I want," she replied against Anna's lips, before finally sealing them.

It was everything she had ever hoped. Soft and sweet. Punz took the lead, and Anna let her. It was only fair. Anna didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to be kissed so softly, sweetly… tenderly.

But there was one thing Punz's patience and understanding had accomplished: she certainly wasn't thinking about anyone else but her now. Fully focused on her lips, her gentle heat and her soft cheeks. A completely different experience than the other one she had.

When Jennifer pushed her back into the bed of the truck, Anna wrapped her arms around her body, pulling her down with her. Letting her maintain control. The kissing grew more vigorous, and hands began to wander. When she felt one at her hip, she broke the kiss to speak.

"Punz… wait."

"Huh?" she mumbled, a little dazed.

"Just… slow down. We have all night." Her hand reached up to comb through her hair again, and she smiled at the light flush in the cheeks of her girlfriend. "But… yeah, wow."

"Wow," Punz giggled as she curled up around Anna's body. "Mmm, sorry. I know our first real heavy kiss almost turned into our first time, but I guess I've been holding back the urges so long they kinda just…"

"Exploded? Yeah… yeah, I know what you mean." Of course, Anna was talking about a situation involving someone else, but she definitely knew what she was talking about.

Then the meaning behind her words became clear to Anna. "Wait, whoa, you- you would? With me?" Anna asked. There was an implicit, "now?" to the question, which was by most accounts redundant anyway. If Anna hadn't stopped her, would they have continued, despite what she had revealed only moments before?

Punz didn't answer, not with words. She moved a little closer; held a little tighter. One hand, which hand come to rest on Anna's stomach, moved up, stopping just below her breasts. "You can kiss me, too, you know," she said. In the still of the evening, her words may as well have been shouted.

Swallowing, Anna smiled. "If you want…" One corner of Punz's mouth twitched in a grin.

"I want, Anna," she said again, voice strong and words fierce. She was saying other things, too, with her body and with her eyes; things that Anna couldn't bring herself to think about, not yet, because they brought her too close to the topic she didn't want to remember. She didn't want to taint Punz, or the memories she made with her.

So Anna kissed her, lost herself in the feeling of Punz, her girlfriend. And maybe she could find peace with her. Brief snatches of it, like now.

"I don't deserve you," she said when they parted again. "How are you so… perfect? And beautiful, inside and out?"

"You deserve me because I say so," came the reply. "And I think you deserve every part."

"Glad one of us does." Her hands began to run up and down the length of Punz's body, from shoulder along her slight chest and down to her curving hip, back up along her ribcage. Punz closed her eyes. Clearly, she had been waiting for Anna to take some initiative for a while.

So she did. Maybe she couldn't fully give herself to Jennifer yet with everything swimming around in her head, but she could give Jennifer what she was craving most.

A soft "Oh" fell from her lips when Anna began rubbing her through her jeans. But she said no more than that, merely leaning in to kiss her again. So Anna kept it up, gliding her fingers up and down along what she knew lay beneath. Their breaths grew shakier, though Punz's were shakier still than her own, until finally she had to break away from the kiss to breathe.

"You… can tell me to stop anytime," Anna reassured her in a soft voice. Hoping to mirror some of her girlfriend's confidence, she added, "But I hope you don't."

"Anna…" Her thighs parted slightly, and she raised one up to drape over Anna's hip, giving her access. Granting permission for her to go as far as she was willing.

So she went further. The fingertips glided up again, but this time they took a moment to unbutton, unzip, and then rub at her through the lace of her panties. Clearly Punz had planned for this. Anna smiled, glancing down to look at what she was doing.

Purple underwear.

Anna froze. Her brain short-circuited even as Punz moaned against her ear. How could- how could she do this? After what she'd allowed to happen to herself only the night before, at her mother's hands?

"Please, Anna," Punz said, hips grinding jerkily. Unpractised. Anna forced her mind back to present day. This wasn't about her. It was about Punz, and treating her like the only girl in the world. She was the only girl in Anna's world. And for whatever reason, she thought Anna worthy of her. She couldn't let her down when she deserved to be happy. To have a first time free of worry.

"Sorry," Anna whispered, redoubling her efforts. "Here…"

This time, when she pushed past the waistband, she was able to stay focused. Jennifer looked so beautiful laid out below her, eyes closed and lips slightly parted as she panted. Anna smiled at the cute little buck teeth; she had always thought they were adorable. She kissed her cheek and neck as she slid down through her soft hairs to glide up against her wetness.

"OH!" she gasped out. "Anna!"

"I-is it alright?" she asked, though she didn't stop or draw away. She was reasonably sure it was alright… but had to ask. Maybe Elsa had gone down on her, but this was her first time initiating or trying anything herself. All new territory.

"Y-yeah… mmmhh, oh it's so much better than when I do it." A little soft laugh. "Maybe that's a silly thing to s-say right now…"

"Nah. You sound incredible. And you feel…" Anna didn't have words. Was this what it was like to touch another woman? It almost felt wrong, like she shouldn't be allowed to get this close to someone, but at the same time she had never felt more honoured to indulge in her wicked side. Her one regret was that Punz couldn't be given that honour in return.

Most of all, because it was Punz. The woman she loved. Even if she had been confused by other recent events, that hadn't really changed… just been obscured.

"You're beautiful," Anna whispered. "I'm so lucky…"

And she was, in so many ways. Punz was giving her everything, no shame or hesitation. As stupid as she thought the notion of virginity, Anna was at least able to recognise that to some people, it held value – and a moment like this, regardless, was special.

Anna wrestled with a thought, even as she was pushing Jen ever closer to her climax: did she deserve to know? The answer was a resounding 'yes', but it raised other questions: was Anna brave enough to tell her? Did she think Punz would believe her?

Too big. The thoughts were too big to answer alone; she needed to talk to her mother, or Doc. So she decided to shake them for now. No need to kill her mood, and Punz's, with those kinds of thoughts. Instead, she simply focused harder on the woman she was with. Though inexperienced, Anna made up for it in her eagerness to please her girlfriend.

Slipping a finger inside Jennifer for the first time was an interesting experience. Anna marvelled at the slickness that clenched around her and she took her time in exploring, poking and prodding to figure out what felt best. She was rewarded by a choked cry, the feeling of Jennifer's fingers digging into her shoulder, and the swell of pride in her chest that she was the cause of it.

Within about five furious minutes of Anna stroking her inner walls, growing accustomed to how she felt inside, Jennifer was getting close to her climax. Anna had never felt anyone else do that before but all the signs were unmistakable: shorter, more shallow breaths, the squirming of her hips, and the way she called out Anna's name in a continual litany. It made her heart soar to hear her this way; maybe it spread heat to her own nether regions, as well, but if she were truly being honest, that took a distant backseat to simply seeing the woman she loved look so purely joyful.

"Anna!" Punz finally called out, writhing and gasping for breath as she clutched at Anna's shoulders, face sheathed in sweat. "More! Yes!"

"Come for me. Just let it all out!" Maybe that was a stupid response, but it was all Anna could think of to say. She just wanted to hear her love moan and enjoy herself.

And she did – the orgasm rocked her and turned her into a thing unhinged, completely given over to the moment. It was one of the most beautiful sights she had seen in all her life. Minutes and aftershocks passed, and all that time Anna couldn't keep her eyes off Jennifer's sweet, blushing face.

And then came the giggles. They were tired and slow, but still there.

"Wow," Punz said after a moment. "Wow. That was… God."

Anna smirked. "Thanks, but you can just call me Anna."

At that, Punz squealed, giving her a light shove. "You nerd," she said, fondness seeping into her voice. It managed to resurrect the blush that had been rapidly fading, highlighting her freckles. The sun had sunk well towards the horizon, and the cool steel of the truck bed had begun to soak into their clothes and their skin. Anna shivered, and Punz nuzzled in close.

"Maybe we should move," Anna suggested softly.

"Mmm don't wanna…" Punz whined. Still she sat up; she had actually made it from the truck before she realised her pants were still undone.

"I tell you what; that's hot." Biting her lip, Anna hopped out of the truck bed. She glanced at her hand, then up at her girlfriend. "Hey, Punz…"

"What?" She looked a little drained when she turned around, probably from the outpouring of energy. But when she saw Anna taking the finger she had used on her into her mouth, her eyes flew open. "Anna! You… o-oh…"

The smile was clearly pleased as Anna drew the finger back out. She herself was blushing, too; this was not a level of boldness she was used to attempting at all. Maybe the one good thing about what happened to her in the past was that she had gotten over that shyness.

Well, there were many good things. But she didn't want to think about the rest at the moment.

"You're so bad," she muttered as she skipped back over toward Anna to place a kiss on her cheek. "Anyway… um… I don't think you have to worry about me running off just because of those 'complications' you mentioned earlier. If you keep making me moan like that, the least I can do is give you room to figure yourself out."

Anna didn't have any words to tell Punz how much she appreciated that thought. At the same time, though, she didn't think it was fair on the other girl. Unable to look at her for the moment, Anna instead faced the ground.

"You don't have to wait for me," she said softly. "That's not fair on you."

Punz snorted. Anna heard her take a few steps, and before she could glance up, the other girl had come to a stop. Punz took her hands and squeezed them.

"What do you think I've been doing?" she asked with a smile. "Anyway, I decide what I want to waste time on – and for whatever reason, that's you."

Her words sounded harsh, but her smile and sarcastic tone took out any bite that may have remained. And without prompting, she bent forward, pressing her lips against Anna's just once, quickly.

"Punz…"

"And now you know what you're gonna be missing," she said softly. "Now, c'mon. I'm getting hungry."

And with that, she was off, giggling again. Anna stared in mingling delight and wonder, with a quiet undercurrent of dread. Punz deserved the best; she just had to figure out if the best meant her.

                              ~ o ~

The rest of the night went great. Even though Anna turned down Punzie's attempts to return the favour – saying she just wanted to hang out for the rest of the night, much to her girlfriend's disappointment – they had a great time, building a campfire and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, laughing about the upcoming dance and chatting about the future of the band. It wasn't exciting, but Anna had enough excitement for one lifetime.

No thanks to the Doc. To help cover for what happened the night before, she did end up telling Jennifer about the experiment, and how Doc almost died. She looked horrified and worried. Even though she had only brought Punz around once or twice to meet him, she still seemed to think he was funny in a quirky way and was genuinely concerned about his health. But Anna promised they would go check in on Doc when they got back.

Then they passed out in the bed of the truck in their sleeping bags. It was the first time Anna had ever really slept beside someone in that way, and she couldn't sleep at first. Too giddy and too full of affection. Punz was much the same, grinning across at her silently as the stars twinkled overhead. They kissed a few times, but tried not to do it too much so they would eventually fall asleep.

Eventually.

Early the next morning, Anna felt something nuzzling her. For a split second, she worried it was a bear or something, but then a slight smile pulled at her lips when she remembered who she was with. She didn't make a sound – why say good morning when she could show Punz instead?

So, rolling over, Anna snuggled in further, lips pressing against a warm throat. She was rewarded with a soft moan that sent gentle vibrations through her lips.

"Mmmm, someone's up," Punz commented. Anna didn't bother replying – not with words, at any rate. The air was cool as she took her arms from her sleeping bag, using them to ensnare Punz and push her over.

"Someone is," Anna said, gazing goofily at her- her girlfriend? They hadn't discussed labels, but judging from Jennifer's actions, she wasn't exactly looking at other people.

Unlike Anna. Geez. But it wasn't the time for that. This weekend was about Punz, not about some thing that happened two nights ago – or thirty years ago, depending on one's perspective.

Luckily, Punz was there to help shift her from that downward spiral, pulling her own hands out to embrace Anna and draw her close. She leaned up, pressing their lips together – it was like a drug. Anna couldn't get enough, and from Punz's own willingness to initiate, she was the same. This time, Anna took the opportunity to nibble at her through her shirt. Punz giggled, then began to pant when she felt the lips making short work of her peaks through the fabric. Anna not only needed this, but rejoiced in it, plying at the surface.

But it reminded her of another moment involving nipples. One that she put out of her mind immediately; this was their weekend. Not a weekend to reflect on the insanity of the past. Punz was already rolling her over onto her back, pinning her and smirking downward.

"Got you, McFly."

"You sure did," she half-panted with a beaming smile. Then she saw Punz trying the same thing on her. "Ooh… this is… freakin' hot." Except there was something missing. Something she definitely remembered another girl playing with only just last week. A hand shot up to the tit not currently being lavished, and it confirmed her suspicions.

Her piercings were gone.

She had a moment of panic before the realisation hit her: this universe, this Anna, had never had reason to get them. There had been no alcoholic mother to rebel against. Sure, she was still interested in getting them, but she knew deep down that the last little push that sent her to the tattoo parlour had been a fight with her mother.

Punz hadn't noticed her distraction, probably taking her movement as encouragement, as a sign that Anna was more than enjoying the actions. And she was! A hum of appreciation had Anna's attention moving away from her ruminations and into this moment.

"You better believe it is," Punz murmured.

Then she began to steadily kiss downward. Anna didn't want her to stop. She craved it. She still remembered the feeling of having someone there, to be completely at their mercy.

But that was the thought that had her pushing Punz away, scrambling to sit up. The morning air only made the peaks of her nipples that much more prominent, and Anna had a sudden desire to cover herself. She didn't regret what she had done with Elsa – not exactly. But it still made her feel… dirty.

"Anna?" Punz asked gently, puzzled and perhaps a little hurt. "Did- did you not want me to…?"

"No!" Anna cried, before she could stop herself. And then she cringed. "I mean… I do want this – want you. I just… need time."

It was a piss-poor excuse, Anna knew that. Even if it was the truth. How was she ever supposed to move on and get better if she didn't give herself a chance? Elsa had even said as much – she'd had years, decades, to come to terms. Anna had been given hours.

Of course Punz looked put out by being turned down. But to her credit, she shrugged and turned to lean against the side of the truck bed, drawing her knees up to her chin as she looked out over the lake.

"Kay."

After a second or two, Anna managed to suppress all of her urges – and her instinct to cry – and crawled up to sit next to her. "I'm, uh, working through something. Let's just say… I hooked up with somebody. And I didn't mean for it to happen, but she was really… really forceful." A rueful chuckle escaped her at the thought.

"Forceful? She didn't… I mean, it wasn't-"

"No, no," she assured her, smiling fondly at how alarmed Punz was on her behalf. Her hand took up the other girl's, and she felt her squeeze in recognition. "It's okay, I'm okay. Just… yeah, I really didn't expect that, and now I don't want to just… you know… 'Why not let Punz do it again?' I want it to be about us, about sharing that moment with just you."

Though Jen looked a little green to be discussing Anna being with someone else, she continued to smile, albeit weakly. "Um… okay, I don't know exactly how you want me to react to this."

"I don't want you to react any one way. Just trying to let you know why I'm being so weird, that's all. Sorry."

"Yeah. And… it's okay, I… well, we've been such awkward turtles, and never straight-up said we were 'girlfriend and girlfriend' before. Maybe we were exclusively almost-dating but we never actually made it official, so it'd be pretty stupid for me to be upset over you, um, looking into other options."

"It wasn't like that!" she cried, though it definitely sounded less angry and more defeated. "She… I made sure to tell her about you, and- and my feelings. But somehow she just…"

"Worked her way in there anyway?" Punz's voice was soft, and maybe a little sad. Anna broke.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, leaning in close. Her eyes grew wet, and she knew it wasn't fair to seek this kind of comfort from Punz; but she also knew Punz wouldn't push her away. Selfish as it was, that was a nice thought.

Anna wasn't even sure how long had passed when she stopped crying and pulled away from the hug to wipe at her face. Punz helped her, pushing her tears off her cheeks with both thumbs.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah. God, I'm sorry for falling apart like that, when I'm the one who's the jerk here."

"Nobody's the jerk here," she chuckled. "Well, except maybe for this other chick who jumped your bones without you expecting it."

"Maybe," Anna had to admit out the side of her mouth. Then she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Well. I'm pretty sure it's totally over with her, anyway, so this might be the last conversation we have about this for a while."

"Uh-huh." There was a little disbelief in that one response, but Punz instead focused on reaching into a backpack that had been pushed up close to the cab. "Breakfast?"

So they moved on to munching on Pop Tarts and sipping hot chocolate as they watched the sun rise a little higher over the lake. Slowly, Anna started to hear some of the differences between how Punz was with her when she knew her, and the way she had been with Alternate-Anna. Apparently, this version of herself had the luxury of a supportive mother, so all her nervousness was purely based around how much she liked Jennifer instead of disapproval from her parents. That was a boon, even if one she didn't get to experience directly. The other differences were very slight, such as a few of their running in-jokes being absent, and Punz expecting her to know a few that she didn't. But almost everything else was the same.

And that was something that Anna appreciated, far more than she could put into words. Her life wasn't the same – overnight, it had changed, drastically. For the better, sure, but that didn't mean Anna liked all of it. Her whole life had been about some very specific routines. And while her life had changed around her, she was still the same as she had been before. She was 'Anna from the Dark Timeline' or something equally scifi-sounding.

Man. Maybe she needed to talk to someone about this. Someone not invested.

Of course, if Anna had noticed, then Punz wasn't any different. She didn't comment, but Anna could see that wanted to. The question never really left her eyes – "what happened?" – but Anna didn't have an answer; even if she did, she wasn't sure that Punz was ready to hear it anyway.

So they swam a little, admiring each other's bodies – though not seeing them on full display. Still that slight bit shy, and probably more because of Anna's reluctance that Punz couldn't quite understand. It was becoming clear this wasn't a situation they could let fester.

Eventually, they packed up to head back into town. Anna kissed Punz again around the corner from her parents' house, since they didn't like Anna in either reality. Then she dropped her off and headed for home. But on the way there, she had another idea pop up.

Who was the one person who actually fully understood her situation?

                               TO BE CONTINUED…

[hisfearlesshaz]

Firstly, hii!!! How are you? Hope you're okay.

I don't remember but probably saw it on the dashboard, said 'wow what an amazing art' and followed you.

Okay okay, I'll try to keep watch it.

I hope you'll like the uni, won't drop out, and graduate peacefully.

The cake was a chocolate cake with blackberries on top ahahaaa.

Stupid and younger? Okay, you might be younger, but I don't think you're stupid. You seem very mature about things. Ouchhh, your last crush://// good for you tho.

Having time to think is SO TRUE. I don't fully have time, but a new chapter has opened in my gender crisis. I'm not sure if I can handle it right now. Hope we can figure things out about ourselves.🤞🤞🤞

I really like/d afhf and the doc watched it like 2 times.😋 3rd time watching is coming ~maybe tonight~. Harry's shows: If I don't that tired, I'm waking up at 5 or 6 am (ugh timezones) by concert time and watching the show or just checking on Tumblr ahhaha. (I'm really catching up wow) It looks like I won't be able to see them live in at least 3 years. They don't come here, so I need to support myself financially and go abroad for it, yikesss.

Thanks to you too for reading my stuff. You're lovely and talking to you is always super nice too.💖 I knew you were on a vacation. No problem!!! You should stay away from social media and anons (they might be nasty ahahags) on vacation anyway. How was it though? Did you have fun or get rest? Love you and bye!!!!

(Thank you for keeping your promise!! I saw this in the morning but didn't have time to answer/ask ahahahah. Bye again!!!)

Hello hello! Yep, I'm good. It's hot and I'm not used to it anymore 😭😭 take me back to the mountainsssssss pls!! How are *you*??

Hahahha I hope so too. For now it makes me laugh: the students are organising a party to know each other.. 200€ for a bottle and a table 😂 that's what I get for choosing a snob private uni i guess. Let's hope there are broke folks too 😂😂 how's it going for you?

And just so you know, I want chocolate cake now. I already bought some organic cocoa because it was on sale, so. Also, yours sounds delicious!!

Aw, I'll take that as a compliment, but yk, idk. I feel like a child sometimes, needing help doing stuff or people forcing me to do them, even if *I* am the one that needs them. And I also mean stupid as ignorant (???), like, I don't know SO MANY THINGS. So I might come off as stupid. Hahahahaha

Yeah, :/ for real. You know, months after I discovered that he talked to me and one of my classmates at the same time, and by talked I mean flirted and *stuff*. She had it worse than me though, when we discovered this I was already over him, but she's still recovering (they didn't talk for 5-6 months and then began again this summer but he came back to me too and obviously I told her bc I knew she was already half in love. After some shitty texts like "nah it's nothing serious with her, but don't let her know I texted you!!" I convinced my friend to block him and never see him again :)) tbh I just hope he can figure out his life, even if he's an asshole 😂

Hahahahah yeah it isn't the right time for me either, let's hope for the future!! Maybe I'll run away from home and go live under a bridge, this way I'd have plenty of time 😂

I liked it too! Watched it that night after work but fell asleep 😭 anyway I downloaded it so it's fine. Did you rewatch it in the end? As for Harry, I'm seeing pics and vids on here and instagram and everything seems beautiful, I miss live shows so so so so so much :( and ugh, I'm so sorry! Italy is relatively lucky with singers, but sometimes they don't come here either (see billie), so I know the feeling. I'll see Louis (just bc this year I have a state fund to spend in culture only) and I'd like to see Harry too but 1) that mf doesn't come in Milan and 2) there are still no info about the European dates so no tickets to purchase eventually.

Ahhhh staying away from socials is way too hard for me now that I have nothing to do. We'll see how it goes when uni starts. And anyway, look at you, anons can be nice and cute too 😜💕 The vacation was alright, I was in Naples and saw a friend for the first time (after 6 years lol), but we also walked A LOT and fuck if it isn't tiring!!! Then we came back and I went on a lil trip to France with my dad and had to wake up early ("lil trip" = 850km on a motorbike, in a DAY) and the following day in Switzerland (just 400km, to give my ass a bit of rest hahahahaha). I even fell asleep once or twice 😭😭 Anyway!!! Expect pics both of Naples, France, Switzerland and maybe the place I worked in. They're all beautiful :)

Love you too :)))) 💕 have a nice day!

[tarysande]

I'm not sure if this all really makes sense, but I'm trying really hard to participate in nanowrimo this year, because I've been trying to write this story for forever. The problem is is that I always feel like everything I write is stupid and terrible. I've been made fun of my entire life for my little stories I come up with, and so I'm too self conscious to ever ask anyone for their opinion of my writing. I feel like the few I DO ask are just pandering to me. Do you have any advice?

First, it sounds like you need a hug. 

*hug*

Second, I can’t speak to your abilities personally, obviously, because I don’t know who you are, but I can guarantee you that every single writer in the world (or at least a significant number, both published and aspiring) has that voice of doubt in their head at least some of the time. I know I do. Writing is weird. It is simultaneously very personal and very public. It’s a weird mix of ego and terror (”Use your time to read my thing! Omg, maybe the thing is horrible!” Sound familiar?). Of course, it’s hard to put yourself out there. It sounds like you’ve had a particularly rough go, with people making fun of you and disparaging what you do.

Look, those people are jerks. I’m sorry to say it, but there are a lot of jerks out there. Who knows why they’re picking on you, but they are. Maybe they’re jealous because they can’t think up stories on their own. Maybe they’re sad and lashing out because they want other people to feel as sad as they do. Maybe they’re just the kind of jerks who pull wings off flies for fun. The thing is, those jerks? Their stuff is not about you, not really. People who pick on other people are doing it because of their own issues.

Unfortunately, there’s a bit of that in the way our own brains pick on us, too. When you feel like everything you write is stupid and terrible, I suspect there’s other stuff happening under the surface. 

For me, that voice comes out of things like: am I just being a showoff? Why do I think I’m so smart/clever/talented/funny? Look at how other people have already succeeded and I’m just a big lump who can’t put my money where my mouth is. Who do I think I am anyway? Everything is trite or overdone or melodramatic or recycled and why do I even bother?? Ugh, I’m so arrogant and demanding and and and and…

Most of that’s not really about writing. Not really. It’s about growing up an overachiever who got a lot of praise, but, as an adult, isn’t sure that praise was warranted or is afraid that praise was wasted and isn’t going to amount to anything. Weird psychological crap. Brains, man. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.

Look, you wrote some nice clean sentences up there. In the short span of a tumblr ask, you told me a little story. You did! And it made me feel feelings and want to engage with you. And that’s what writing is. Telling stories that engage you (first and foremost) and others. What I’m saying is that I am almost certain, based on one little tumblr ask, that your writing is most definitely not “stupid and terrible.”

(This got real long, whoops!)

Third, and this is a big piece of advice that’s really hard to take, I know: first drafts aren’t about other people. NaNoWriMo is about ugly, messy, blobby, half-formed, half-useless writing full of filler and hopefully some stuff you’ll be able to salvage when it comes time to write a less rushed, more cohesive draft. Trying to write something beautiful (or, frankly, even readable) during NaNo is step one in a recipe for disaster. Writing fast is great to get around the voice in your head (”I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY FINGERS HITTING THE KEYBOARD YOU JERRRRRRK!!!!”) but it’s not great for crafting stuff you want other eyeballs on.

This is the lonely part of writing. And, I think, the part that’s hardest for people used to fanfiction to really get. With fanfic, there’s instant feedback. I write, I post, I write again! (Hopefully with some acknowledgment from your readers in there somewhere.) Writing blobby, ugly, NaNo first drafts is pretty solitary. I mean, say you’re having a baby, right? Would you want people to judge the cuteness (or smartness or funniness) of your baby by looking at the fetus still growing? Of course not! Do you judge the scent or beauty of a flower by its hard little brown seed? Of course not!

NaNo is for planting seeds. Or growing fetuses, I guess. You gotta give that some time before you’re like LOOK AT THIS BABY/FLOWER I GREW. That ultrasound or sprout is just NOT gonna be as interesting for anyone who isn’t you right now.

(Sidebar: don’t get too hung up on NaNo. You’ll make yourself crazy. Numbers are good and progress is good but any words you write are words you didn’t have before. Good job!! Feel proud!!)

Okay, final thing: you need to dig at the root of why you think the people whose opinions you ask for are pandering to you. I mean, it’s unlikely that they are. This is the weird thing: a lot of times we assume people saying nice things are pandering, or exaggerating, or just trying to make us feel better because the voice in our head is saying YOU SUCK YOU’RE TERRIBLE but… they’re probably not. I mean, how often has someone said something just a teeny tiny bit like criticism and we remember it for a thousand years in exquisite detail? All the time, right? We never question mean things or critical things: we assume they must be true because those comments align with that crappy downer voice in our heads. 

Well. Guess what? It’s more likely that the crappy downer voice is a liar than ALL THE PEOPLE who’ve ever said a nice thing or offered a compliment. You know how I know this? Because that crappy downer voice is catastrophic. It’s black and white. It’s extremes. It’s THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!!! on a sandwich board.

Thoughts worth listening to–real thoughts from real people, including the kinder version of your own self–aren’t extreme like that. They aren’t catastrophic.

So, here’s the deal. The next time you hear something, good or bad, about your writing, either from someone else or your own brain, stop. I mean it. Stop. Write it down.

You’re awfully arrogant for a showoffy failure.

Okay. All right.

Then think: Does this sound like something my best friend (or someone who loves you, real or imaginary) would say? Or does this sound like something the sandwich-board-THE END IS NIGH-guy would say?

If it doesn’t sound like your best friend, take a pen, cross it out, hard as you can, even if it rips the paper. Say, “F-you you horrible sandwich-board jerk!! YOU ARE THE WORST AND I DON’T WANT YOU AROUND HERE ANYMORE.”

Then, write something your best friend would say. Actually write it down. Force your hand to write kind words. Surround it with hearts and stars. Really think about it. Really read them. ADD MORE HEARTS. Your best friend would want you to.

And go back to your story because you are the only one who can tell it. The only person in the whole damn world who can tell it. 

It’s a big job, but someone’s got to do it, right?

Better be you.

Okay, wait, one more quick thing before I go. When you do work up the courage to show someone your writing, you can absolutely say, “Hey, I’d love to get your opinion but this is basically a newborn baby, so I can’t handle too much criticism right now. I just want to know if you think the story makes sense, or if it flows, or if the characters are working, etc etc etc.” Heck, you can even say, “I’m not ready for the bad news, doc, so please, just the good for right now.” That is totally okay. And if your potential reader says, “Oh man, I don’t know if I can edit myself right now, because I am just reallllly into constructive criticism!” you can say, “Okie dokie, maybe you can read a later draft.” That is fine too. Take care of yourself first.

Now. Deep breath. It’s okay. You’re okay. Fear and doubt and terror is all part of writing. Wanting to write, feeling like you have a story to tell? That’s half the battle. Asking for advice? Huge step. I believe in you. (You can write that on your piece of paper and surround it with hearts, if you want.)

[zombolouge]

Ah you are too kind!

(cont) Maybe it's because I'm only at the beginning and I take things reeeally slowly, but still, it'd be nice to be able to fix this. One huge question though: how do you write from a child's perspective? For example, in the story I'm writing, Link is 10 in the first few chapters. I'm having trouble with conveying his thoughts across, since they either sound too mature or too childish. I keep saying 'his mother' whenever she does appear, and after a while it gets repetitive - but I don't think I'd use her name since Link wouldn't call her that. So how to go about writing from a third person child perspective? Thank you so much for your tips!

Ah, yes! I went through this same thing when I started writing again myself. I wrote a LOT when I was younger, then stopped for about 9 years before I came back to it. (I started writing again in 2014, seriously about a month later). Then it was like picking up a rusty bike and trying to make the wheels go. There are several things I wrote that will never see the light of day because they were terrible. But that’s all part of the process! So don’t feel bad if it all feels like a disaster at first, because it gets better. In the beginning, your main concern is to just try and write as much as possible, and to finish things. Once you get that down, you can start making things better through editing and more critical thinking. ^_^

Okay, so I can certainly share what helps when I write longer fics, though this process doesn’t always work for others. When I wrote Tearing Down the Heavens, it started as a mish-mash of scenes that I had half-written that I was stringing together. I think by like chapter ten I had already gotten overwhelmed trying to do that, and I opened a word doc and just made a list of the “important plot moments”. Over time this grew into a true, blue outline. 

I don’t think I could write such longform fic without the use of an outline. Some writers can, and some writers even find that an outline completely ruins their creativity, but for me it’s a necessity. Sometimes my outline is incredibly detailed, including lines of dialogue or descriptions or notes about backstory and themes. Other times it’s not more than a line or two about a scene. For instance, the first chapter of A Hundred Years in the Making has a very detailed outline, where I wrote out almost all the dialogue between the King and Vallus. I ended up changing it as I wrote the scene around it, to make it flow better, but the base was there. In contrast, my notes for the portion where Link is traveling to the castle were vague (I actually only put “Write shit about Link’s feelings while he’s on the horse”, which is not particularly helpful notes to myself, but there you have it). I also don’t tend to flesh out the outline all at once. For instance, I may know that I want a certain thing to happen, but I don’t know how I want it to play out or any other details. So I’ll make a note in the outline that says something like “Character tries to leave, gets caught by other character” or something. Then, as the earlier chapters get written, I may add more context, so I could end up with something like this (I’ll use some of the older outlines for Facing Down the Void for this example):

“Autumn wakes up in a panic, convinced something is wrong. 

- Solas is trying to leave, she races through the cold night air to find him and confronts him. He is hurt, miserable to be back around her and torn about what he must do, so he is cold to her. His attitude breaks through her calm, and she starts to cry as she yells at him, demanding to know why he’s leaving again. She doesn’t understand, he doesn’t want her to, but the sound of her voice breaks his heart. He turns and makes his confession, kissing her even though he knows its the worst thing that he could do. She is stunned, and finally lets him go as she processes thing.”

That eventually turned into a pretty complex scene that I wrote very early on and edited several times before it was published.

The reason why I find outlines necessary is that I have trouble writing something if I don’t know where it’s going. I need to have at least a general idea of what I’m building to, or it takes me about 8 times longer to write a chapter. It helps me do proper foreshadowing, and it helps me understand character motivations and growth arcs better. For instance, in As Bright as the Stars, I knew that Saeyoung was going to lie to try and hurt Nicky from the get-go. I had been setting that betrayal up from the start of chapter one. If that moment had been a surprise, however, if I hadn’t planned it, then it wouldn’t have the proper groundwork laid before it. Twists and turns in the plot are what make a story gripping, BUT, they can’t come from nowhere. Your reader should look at surprises and say “I did not see that coming, but I should have”, not feel like it came completely out of left field. You should be able to point to your previous chapters and say “see, there is the proof that this could happen”. Otherwise the shock is cheap, and people tend to lose interest. 

Outline will help you map out events, get foreshadowing in place (important for pretty much all types of stories, including things like slow burns), and understand the characters better. Because when you outline, you are forced to think “what would this character do in this situation”, which then makes you think about the character and think about how they react to things and how they think. Although your story is still going to throw you curve balls, and you shouldn’t be afraid to change an outline when needed. In As Bright as the Stars, I didn’t realize that Vanderwood was going to be such a huge part of it at first until I wrote her first chapter and realized “oh shit I have feelings about this character that need to be told”. I then paused writing the story and worked on my outline to expand it to include this new revelation. So things will still happen that weren’t planned, but at least you have good starting points to handle them better. 

I’ll be honest, though, part of my process is pretty much nonstop consideration. If I am not actively writing, I am usually thinking about writing, or thinking about characters, or word choice, or themes. I’ve written entire scenes in my head on my morning commute and then hurriedly outlined them once I arrived at work. I’ve spent actual hours thinking about something a character did and trying to figure out WHY they did it, to understand that character. So don’t feel bad if a good chunk of your “writing time” is just sitting around and thinking about it, because you have to work those things out at some point before the words will start to come. 

Flow!! Okay, so one of the best things for flow is reading it out loud. You will, in fact, feel like a moron reading your own work out loud to yourself, especially at first. But hearing the words spoken into your ears will trigger different processes in your brain than just reading them. This can often highlight points where there are problems, or where the word order doesn’t work. This goes double for actual dialogue, which should be read out loud until you feel like you have become the characters. If a scene feels weird, it’s usually because your making a character say or do something that doesn’t feel like something they should say or do, which will throw everything off. 

Another thing that I find helpful for both flow in general and dialogue is to map out a scene in very specific, very bland details. (ESPECIALLY FOR ACTION OR SMUT, THIS MAKES THOSE SCENES SO MUCH EASIER). So I would open up my outline, or an empty doc, and write something like this:

“Character A (Jeffrey) opens the door. 

Sees Character B (Heather) arranging matches. 

Jeffrey: Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware...(pauses, curious) What are you doing?

Heather glares. “I’m arranging matches.”

Jeffrey: “Oh.” (pause) “Why?”

Heather (upset): Because it’s what Sebastian would have wanted!”

Jeffrey closes the door slowly.”

I can then look at that outline and turn it into a scene because I have enough notes to go off of, and I know what’s supposed to be happening at any given time, so it lets me focus more on the descriptions rather than the ideas. I wrote up a quick example scene based on that outline (it is rushed, so forgive me if it isn’t a masterpiece XD)

“Jeffrey placed his hand on the cold door handle, already feeling the weight of the other room bearing down on his shoulders before he had even turned the brass. The house was quiet, and the room was quiet, but he was certain that there was unhappiness beyond the threshold. Still, it was a door, and what purpose would doors have were they not meant to be opened? He twisted his palm, pulling the knob along with it, and pushed the wooden boards forward to reveal the room beyond. 

He was surprised to see Heather within, standing in front of a table with one hand on her half-cocked hips. She didn’t look up as he blinked at her, taking in the silent scene with all the dignity that he could muster in such a situation. The house was silent, so he had presumed that it was empty. His error had been the source of his ominous premonitions, knowing that the room had held misery without knowing why. Heather’s presence had that effect on them all lately. 

He cleared his throat, wishing that he could be a thousand miles away from this position at precisely this moment. “Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware...” his words trailed off, flat and lame in the deadened air as she shifted, moving just enough so that he could see the stack of matches on the table before her. She lifted one in her long fingers, the tip of the match the same ruby color that was smeared across her fingernails. She held it aloft, inspecting it for something, judging its character like a redheaded soldier that had been stripped and homogenized before being shipped off to war. She then took it and placed it atop a second stack of matches, piled in a tower that shuddered with the weight of the new addition. “What are you doing?”

She narrowed her eyes into a sullen glare as she looked at him, clicking her tongue before offering the obvious. “I’m arranging matches.”

“Oh.” he nodded, a compulsory action, as though this made perfect sense. He should have left it, should have mumbled some apology and retreated from the room, but his damnable sense of curiosity burned too brightly in the back of his throat to clamp down on the question before it came tumbling out. “Why?”

She rounded on him, her hands clamping into furious fists that stuck to her sides, the matches in the tower tumbling across the table in careless disarray. “Because it’s what Sebastian would have wanted!” Her voice wavered between madness and grief, and he winced at the force of it, seeing the tears that he had unleashed. It was too much, too great a burden to bear in this moment, on this day. He felt sorry for her, sorry enough to furrow his brow in a voiceless apology that would do less to disturb the fraught air than words would. He felt sorry, but not sorry enough to reach an olive branch across the divide between them. Instead he backed out of the room, shutting the door with the slow deliberation of someone who knows he could have been a better person if he had just left it open. Her cries of frustration followed him out, and he knew that he was a terrible man.”

I think I spent about ten minutes on that little scene, and that was mostly because I had the blueprint of that outline to go off of. I knew what the characters were doing, and I had notes about when it was important for them to feel a certain way, so it was easy to create a bunch of flowery prose around it (well, not EASY, but certainly easier than if I had just tried to plop it out onto the page from nothing). Now, I usually write out all my dialogue in this manner before writing the full scene, ESPECIALLY important dialogue or dialogue involving more than 2 characters. Just write it out like a script, with the name of the character followed by what they said, and that’s it. Maybe a note or two of what they did or how they said it, but only if it’s really important. What this does is let you focus on what they’re saying and if it fits their character, without getting bogged down in irrelevant descriptions or worrying if you’ve used the word “said” too many times. It also makes it easier to read out loud to yourself to check how it sounds. The dialogue should always be able to flow and sound good on its own, with the rest of the text removed. If it doesn’t, then there’s a disconnect in the way they are speaking that will interrupt the flow of the whole scene. 

Okay, now on to your more specific question. Writing children! 

So one important thing to remember is that children are not stupid, nor do they think in baby talk (or talk that way). They also don’t tend to think of themselves as juvenile, because in their minds they already know enough to be basically an adult. This is especially true for a 10 year old, who usually wants to be out in the world experiencing things on their own, unless they’ve experienced something in their past that would dictate otherwise. They think they know everything, and that parents are just being dumb when they restrict them or make them follow rules. 

One thing about writing children is that they tend to be a bit more literal than adults. You won’t get a kid saying a lot of cutesy babytalk, but you will get them being point blank enough that it can be adorable or comical. It is also important, when writing a POV from a child’s perspective, that they will be lacking certain knowledge or ways of expressing things, but they won’t know that. So, for instance, if I were to write the scene of Link from Ocarina of time seeing Ganon taking off with Princess Zelda (just before she throws the Ocarina), I might try something like:

“He saw the horse thundering across the bridge, massive and domineering. He couldn’t quite see who was riding it, but he felt a sickening feeling in his stomach all the same. Anyone who rode a horse that mean couldn’t have been a good person. 

His fear was confirmed when the rider yanked the reins of the beast, causing it to rear up above Link’s head. He felt like an ant, hapless and waiting to be crushed under the foot of something dark and nameless. The horse returned to all fours, flaring its nostrils, and Link could see that man - Ganondorf - was astride the saddle, Zelda clutched in his metal-clad arms. The Gerudo smirked, and it made the feeling in Link’s stomach coil and writhe like a snake. A furious snake that was trying to flee from the scene, trying to force the person around it to move away, but Link stayed rooted to the spot, his feet as still as tree trunks. He could have gone his whole life without seeing something so evil as Ganondorf smiling, the glint in his eyes like poe-fire. It made him feel small and insignificant, a spec of dust in a whirlpool. It made him feel sick, and if he had been able to move he might have turned and wretched into the grass beneath his boots.

Ganondorf dug his heels into the horse’s ribs, and then everything happened in a flash. The horse surged forward, straight towards where Link was standing, and he had to leap out of the way to avoid being trampled. He felt something big and heavy bump into him as he was in the air, and the breath disappeared out of his lungs with a short wheeze. He hit the ground, and he thought he heard someone yell his name as he blinked, trying to clear the daze. Everything felt fuzzy, like reality had become a vague humming sound in his ears and nothing more. The sound of hoof beats turned from thunder to drums, and then faded slowly as the horse galloped away. Link tried to breathe, unable to keep himself from trembling as he did so.

Zelda had been right. That man was a terrible man.”

So, in this little snippet, I tried to keep things more simplistic than I normally would have. I avoid phrases that are overly flowery, and get to the point a bit quicker. I also avoid saying “Link was terrified”, because a 10 year old might not have the experience to know what terror feels like. They also may not want to ADMIT they are scared, especially not in the moment when adrenaline is high. Instead, I went for describing what he feels, so that the reader gets the idea. Additionally, when he gets hit, I made it more vague. If Link were an adult, I would have changed “He felt something big and heavy bump into him as he was in the air, and the breath disappeared out of his lungs with a short wheeze. He hit the ground, and he thought he heard someone yell his name as he blinked, trying to clear the daze. Everything felt fuzzy, like reality had become a vague humming sound in his ears and nothing more.“ to “He felt a blunt object slam into his side, just below his ribs, driving the breath out out of his lungs on impact. Shock rolled through him as his dodge carried him into the ground, the princess yelling his name as the horse retreated. He was dazed from the blow, and as he floundered on the ground he tried to shake away the humming buzz that was affecting the clarity of the world around him.” The difference here is that Link would have known he was hit by something, and where, and he would have had the words and understanding to know that he was in shock from the blow, and been able to take better effort to try and restore himself. 

Okay, so on to your final question, about what Link calls his mother...you’ll want to avoid using all forms of the name, because that would sound weird. If you feel like he would call her “mother”, than you should stick to that. If you feel like it’s getting repetitive, you can try changing up sentence structure to add variety, but be careful you don’t do it too much. Depending on the scene, you may not need to continue listing her, and just revert to “she”. 

For example: 

“Link’s mother smiled, as warm as the sun above them. “Come, sit with me.” she pat the grass beside her, and he ambled up the hill to join her. She was still smiling, and he tried not to look sullen. He must have failed, because she folded her hands in her lap, giving him a knowing look. “You’ve been bickering with your father again, haven’t you?”

“No.” he sounded like a spoiled brat even to himself, and rolled his eyes as he gave into her ability to know everything he was thinking before he had to say a word. “He’s just...he’s so...”

“Stubborn?” She quirked her eyebrow skyward, and he laughed and nodded, feeling the anger in his chest dissipate as she brushed his hair off of his brow. “He can certainly be...firm. You know that he means well, don’t you?”

So, in that, I only had to mention “mother” once, but you still knew exactly who I was talking about (I think, at least lol). There are also other ways to indicate things, but you definitely want to avoid things like switching from “mom” to “mommy” to “mother”. In this instance, “Mother” is the stand-in for her name, so you would treat it as such. You ALSO wouldn’t switch to her actual name if you’re in Link’s POV, because he wouldn’t think of her that way.

Oh boy, I rambled for waaaaay too long. Hopefully this helped??? Haha, I am very sorry that this is so terribly verbose, I got carried away. 

If you have follow-up questions, feel free to let me know. And if anybody else has different questions, you can also feel free to let me know. ^_^ And of course, this is not a hard-and-fast rulebook. These are just the things that work for ME, which may not be helpful to anyone else. Everyone’s process is different, so don’t feel too frustrated if you try this stuff out and it is utterly useless XD

Thank you so much for thinking of me, and I hope that at least some of this is usable to help you get your story written!!!!