#okay ill stop rambling now idk what im trying to say

[klonoadoortophantomile]

okay fuck it actually heres a drawing from the other day

[leighsartworks216]

Free of Charge

Illinois x gn!reader

Requested by Anon:

“hi, feel free to deny this request if you don’t feel up to it as your well being is more important, but i had this idea with funny prompt 14 “Is the fever getting to you or what?” and hurt/comfort 15 “May I? Free of charge.” with Illinois and gn!reader after they get so fed up from feeling like shit, they just kinda stop in the middle of exploration, thinking that he will just abandon him cause they’ll only slow him down. take care of yourself”

Funny 14. “Is the fever getting to you or what?”

Hurt/Comfort 15. “May I? Free of charge.”

A request?? Completed????? Who am I and what have I done with myself

Also, I changed like the hurt/comfort prompt a little bit to make it flow better and fit but idk you'll see

Warnings: illness (wooziness, fever, achiness, headache), swearing, lots of swearing, hurt/comfort, Illinois bein soft

Word Count: 1567

Masterlist

Fuck. How long had you been walking now? Time was a bit hazy. Everything, actually, was a bit hazy.

Your body ached in places you didn’t know existed. Your head hurt like hell, and you were just trying not to vomit up whatever nasty granola bar you’d choked down for lunch. But god it was getting to be difficult.

“You alright back there, sweetheart?”

Oh, right. Illinois was here too. He didn’t know you were sick. Or, if he did, he didn’t care. You couldn’t really blame him. He’d been excitedly rambling about this stupid expedition for weeks. To be fair, it’s not often an adventurer gets to explore a canyon.

“‘M fine, I just-” Oh fuck that’s a long drop. Was it hot out here? It couldn’t be that hot, right? It’s still early morning. “I’m gonna stop here for a- for a secon’.”

You cursed under your breath as you fell heavily against the wall of the canyon. Everything was spinning. You closed your eyes to try to stop your vision swirling like it was, but it only made your head feel heavy and light at the same time.

“Darlin’?”

What was the treasure you guys were after again? Was it another animal totem? Or was it a jewel?... Hm.

“Hey, partner, are you alright?”

Water is weird. Who figured out that humans needed it to survive? Who saw that big wetness everywhere and decided, ‘Ah yes, this is what I shall consume and it will sustain me.’

“Hey!”

Your eyes shot open as a splash of water hit your cheeks. Illinois was crouched in front of you, pouring water from his skin so he could pat it against your face. The cool, wet touch of the liquid was refreshing. But there were definitely two Illinois.

“What happened, darlin’? Are you alright?”

“Who are… Who’re you?”

He stared at you stunned for a minute. “Illinois, remember? Handsomest adventurer in the world?” He pressed the back of his hand to your forehead, frowning at how hot it was. “You’re burning up. Did you catch somethin’?”

You were still just dazedly staring at him. You huffed a weak half-laugh in his face. He would have been insulted if you weren’t so obviously sick. “You’re not Illy,” you said. “Nah, nah. He’s- he’s waayyyyy ahead by now.”

He sighed. There was no way you’d be able to make it back to where you’d set up camp last night, or any further to where he hoped to camp tonight. The ledge was narrow, but still plenty wide enough for a small fire and your sleeping bag.

He pulled you away from the wall (you fell into him like a ragdoll) and removed your backpack. He decided to humor your deliriousness as he began pulling out what he needed for a temporary camp. “And why’s that?”

He dug through your bag for a moment, listening for your answer as he pulled a rolled up blanket out and draped it over you. You hummed and pulled it closer.

“He doesn’ care ‘bout me.” He was torn away from what he was doing. Kindling hung limply in his hand, your bag no longer rustling as he searched through it. You frowned for a moment, your face scrunching up. Before he could say anything, you shook your head and forced a dream-like smile. “Is okay. ‘M okay. I woulda slow’d ‘im down anyway…”

“Is the fever getting to you or what?” His tone was more stern than he intended it to be. Your bleary eyes barely focused on him as he angrily went back to setting up a fire. “You’re my partner. I’m not leaving you behind whether you do ‘slow me down’ or not! You got that?”

Illinois looked up when he didn’t hear a response. The fire within him fizzled out immediately. Your eyes were closed, your chest rose and fell in even breaths. You were asleep.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping. He hoped he could make it clear to you when you were less delirious…

-

You blinked your eyes open, looking up at the sky. You swore it was light out when you began your trek, but now it was dark. Stars glittered and shimmered in the void, clear and steady without light pollution around for miles to stifle their glow.

You pulled your eyes back down to the canyon walkway. A fire was burning in the space, a small pot bubbling over with some sort of liquid. Whatever it was smelled good. Next to the fire sat a man. It took a minute for your brain to figure out who it was, but how could you not recognize that hat and bullwhip?

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Jesus!” Illinois jumped, turning to face you with a hand over his chest and another on his hat. “Don’t scare me like that!”

You chuckled softly, pushing away from the wall to lean closer to the fire. “Sorry.”

He glared at you for a moment more. “Ah, don’t worry about it,” he said under his breath. He straightened his hat out on his head and grabbed a cup from your bag next to him. With a large spoon, he ladled some soup into the cup and carefully passed it over to you. “How’re you feelin’?”

The cup warmed your hands, and the steam lifted to warm your nose with its delicious fragrances. You were smiling without even realizing it. “Better, I think,” you answered. You blew on the hot liquid, face scrunching. “I don’t really remember a lot, to be honest.”

“That’s not surprising. You were practically delusional.” He ladled his own cup of soup, turning to face you. “You should’ve told me you were feeling bad, darlin’. The treasure’s been sitting there waiting for a hundred years - it can stand to wait a little longer.”

“It just came on so suddenly… I’m sorry if I worried you.”

He frowned. “Of course you worried me. We’re partners - we stick together. Right?” He raised an eyebrow at you expectantly.

You grinned weakly and nodded, “Right.”

The soup was really good. You weren’t sure if it was from a can or if Illy somehow whipped something up out of nothing, but you were sippin’ on seconds before Illy even finished his first helping. You ate quietly. Neither of you seemed too eager to keep up a conversation. Instead, you looked for whatever constellations you could remember from your childhood, and he lost himself deep in his thoughts. With one final slurp, your cup joined his next to the fire.

“You never answered my question,” you told him.

He turned his attention to you, eyebrow cocked as he tried to think back to what you’d asked him. “And what question was that?”

You smiled. “Penny for your thoughts?” you repeated.

He rolled his eyes. “That’s hardly a question.”

“But it is!”

He didn’t answer. You nudged him with your foot.

“So, what’s on your mind, cowboy?”

Illinois pushed away from the fire to lean against the canyon wall. His hands rested, folded with interlaced fingers, on his stomach. And even though he had the perfect view of the heavens above, he only looked at you.

“You said some stuff while you were really out of it.”

You sat back against the wall next to him. “Like?”

“Said that you’d slow me down,” he answered. That’s not the main thing that was bugging him though. You must’ve been able to tell, because you waited for him to keep talking. “And that I don’t care about you.”

Your cheeks felt warm immediately. You were too far away from the fire to blame it on that. “Oh.”

“You really think that?”

Your mouth floundered open for a minute, trying to find the words to excuse yourself. “It’s not that I think you don’t care about me, it’s just-” You swore, trying to figure out what you wanted to say. “You’ve had a lot of partners before and I know how they all ended up and I didn’t want to upset you by… being like them.”

His mind, against his will, thought back immediately to his long list of partners. Most of them had been taken from in through tragic accidents while adventuring. “I cared about all of them, and I care about you, too,” he argued. “I was worried I’d already lost ya when you went all woozy back there.”

You frowned. “Sorry.”

He sighed, tension easing itself from his face. He looked you over. You still hugged the blanket around yourself, and he didn’t blame you with how cold the nights were out here. Still, even the fire was enough to keep him comfortable. He reached out a hand without thinking, pausing as you flinched back to stare at him in confusion.

“I just wanna check your temperature,” he assured you. He gestured his hand toward your forehead. “May I?”

You leaned toward his hand and he pressed it against your skin. You were still too warm for his liking. If your fever wasn’t gone by morning, he was going to call this adventure off until you were better.

You sighed and leaned even more into his touch, eyes closing as you let his cool hands draw out the heat of your forehead. “I’m out of pennies,” you joked.

He chuckled, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “That’s alright, darlin’.” He kissed your forehead. “It’s free of charge.”

[divorcingjimmatthews]

fresh thoughts / reactions on the new episode (S2E4)

(warning: its LONG but separated in chapters by character so it's like you're reading game of thrones)

on Kenny

KENNY???? kenny???? when ??? Are they going to stop beating my boy??? when is he going to catch a break???? Hes so hurt already stop!!! my sweet boy youre breaking him!!

(*takes a deep breath*)

okay im normal now. i just want to wrap kenny in a warm blanket and give him some hot chocolate. this was devastating. let me start by saying that i really liked that kenny wanted to put sara in the box, it goes to show how even "sweet cinammon roll" characters have their limits and imo his reaction is entirely reasonable. i think he might change his mind after he's had some time to process his feelings but even if he doesn't i still think his stance is understandable.

also... kenny just wants kristi to be happy :') my sweet boy

on Boyd

i think boyd was really interesting this episode, the flashback was great (also—kenny in a hoodie! i manifested it /jk) and what boyd said about himself, that he's just trying to be someone people can look to and think he's got things together and under control even though he doesn't, really helped me put his actions with sara and lying to kenny into perspective. if not for that scene i probably wouldve watched the episode and thought "what the hell boyd?" but the flashback made me realise that i was kinda seeing the character through the filter of "guy who's supposed to know what he's doing". he's put so much effort into building this image of himself that shattering it by acting like just some guy who's under a hell of a lot of stress had catastrophic consequences. he fucked up huge w kenny but i also feel like its unfair that one person has to carry so much weight on his shoulders if that makes sense

on Jade

i want to kill him but also kiss him softly and tell him everything is going to be okay what can i say. he actually smiled this episode :) i loved watching him be nice in his own way. but also damn he's definitely doing worse by the day. the friendship with the bus driver???? superb. a perfect writing choice. i just love the way hes trying to push everyone away but also just starved for human comfort and connection. i was really happy to see him just be with someone so they could at least drown their sorrows together instead of alone. am i shipping them? yes. my ideal jade ship was trudy but they cruelly took her from us so ill have to keep looking for options. anyone around his age is game

also him being just pissed that the matthews were living there now was so funny. "at least you had a house" actual 5 year old behavior. love to see it. you'll warm up to them jade

on Jim

jim you're going to break all your remaining bones can you PLEASE follow the doctors orders and stick to the bed for a while?? he put the experiment theory canonically on the table and i think that's great, i think it's a pretty sound theory though i think there's going to be more to it, not just an experiment to gather data but for some specific purpose that we're yet to know.

on Sara

oh babygirl you really fucked up big time back in season one didnt you. personally i dont blame sara but id be worried that what happened to her could happen again. everything about her was heartbreaking this episode but when she casually said that the boy in white may also be trapped in this place??? dammit. that's a game changer for all of my theories if true. was he ever a normal human boy? do people get supernatural abilities from continued survival / progress in this place or something like that? like martin giving boyd his blood was super deliberate and we've still got to see if it's really gonna be a curse or if it could be a blessing after the initial adjustment period. it stopped his tremors at least and who knows maybe it comes with some extra bonuses like the monsters not seeing you as prey idk. im totally rambling rn.

on Julie

soooo julie and edgin huh. im digging it. theyre cute. i really like julie and i want good things for her. i hurt so much for her when fatima rejected her advances she was so nervous and excited poor sweet bean

on Victor

saving my strongest feelings for last i love victor so much and it hurt me so much to see him hurt and mad at ethan :''') jade look at what you've done. i need this to get fixed. i need them to be friends again. can i just say how well victor has kept it together under the circumstances of well, his whole life? it's like he's nice even when he's mad. there's just something about his character and i love him so much. but i got so sad watching this like ethan tried to stop jade he doesn't deserve the hate !!! but its understandable that victor needs time to get things back to normal. ethan bringing him the drawing supplies also... :') they're so sweet

on Randall (was that his name?)

im literally terrified for him like he wasn't listening to donna's instructions and being on the bus without anything to cover the windows he's prime candidate for the monsters tricking him into pretending to be someone he knows dammitttt its making me so nervous just to think about it. they set him up a lot to just kill him now so i dont think hes realistically gonna die on his first night alone but uhhhhh maybe he will. maybe he will and im worried.

[scarletlizzard]

idk how to brat when there’s no commands but ill try my best hehe. thank you for the warm welcome 🐶! (i am a good girl bound by heart but i try)

anywaysssss! hello rosieee! i am here today to say i ripped apart my bed looking for bed bugs. i checked the frame, the mattress, the box spring. vacuumed all the seams, and put a new protector on and didn’t see any more creepy crawlers so i think im safe for now. i do wish i could take your advice of BURNING IT!

i feel like a bot asking this everyday but how was your day? anything interesting happen?

song of the day :

as if it was your last - blackpink

karma - jojo siwa… it’s catchy I swear

what about you?

a tiny rant about kpop, i feel like nowadays it getting changed to fit westernized standards and there’s so much english in the songs compared to 2016. eg. butter by bts was the first song i remember where there was a heavy amount of eng lyrics compared to kpop. i didn’t even ask this but do you listen to kpop? 😭😭

okay byebye! i ramble a lot sorry 🫠🫠

- 🦮

See, the whole point of bratting is not following commands. So maybe you aren't a brat at all, hm? Maybe you're just a good girl susceptible to peer pressure!

Thank God you didn't find any! Maybe it wasn't one to begin with then? Hopefully, at least.. (I still would be burning)

Yesterday I went to the little festival we had nearby. It was nice! Hope you had a wonderful day 🫶

STOP PUTTING JOJO SIWAS SONG!! Between you and 🧊 good lord! (It is in fact stuck in my head)

Ahhh I apologize, I don't listen to kpop! Not in a way j think it's bad at all, just not really my genre I suppose 😁 nonetheless I will give that song a listen, thank you I can't wait to hear!

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy here yet again! i am Now Thinking and remembering that a huge part of why i've never tried to go to therapy or anything is coz like i Know i'd use what i learn to like, manipule ppl better and shit. i enjoy playing w ppl Too much and coz Fun Childhood i've been good at it all my life, but cognitively i recognise its bad so it would be bad and not fair for me to go to therapy and get even better at it and manipulate ppl i love for my own fun. and like even i dont do illegal shit or even like drink alcohol or smoke coz then i can keep the moral high ground in arguments w ppl and i can say whatever i want and call em out on shit and create a fuss for them and stir the pot and they cant call me a hypocrite. like so much of what i do is about making sure i have a level of ability to manipulate and control ppl and situations. so many behaviours which arent explained by autism, idk why i've just brushed all of them aside except that i've gotten bored by overthinking abt them, and ive mostly gotten to a point where they're under control and im content w life

but back to remorse and empathy i honestly just think they're not really necessarily useful things and ppl place so much importance on "oh im such a good person i have so much empathy" but will also use their empathy/remorse to control ppl? like i know ppl w bpd who use their genuine guilt and worries and stuff to get ppl to feel sorry for them and indulge them instead of confronting and working on it. like even ppl w/o mental illness will sometimes try to use the fact they feel bad abt smth to erase their culpability instead of actually fixing their mistakes. it can be confronting for them that some ppl can be like "oh shit i made a mistake. fuck. oh well" (and sometimes fix their mistake/take responsibility) w/o remorse or other emotions to it coz i think it makes them realise their emotion doesnt absolve them

thanks to listening to me ramble!

man i feel that, im also obsessed with having the moral high ground, except i think my view of morality is the best one and everyone else is stupid. also i'm a hypocrite. i also hate hypocrites! yes this in of itself is hypocritical i am aware. do something morally reprehensible? shame on you! doesn't matter that i do the same thing with no intent to stop. its over anakin i have the moral high ground!! i have Standards and Morals and also i'm correct all the time. if i had the death note there would be no story and everything would be okay. i simply would not go mad with power and i'd only kill people who are deserving of it

also yeah i hate the empathy = morality thing i hate it so so so so much. i do think cognitive empathy is a useful tool and remorse can be useful as like, the emotions equivalent of getting spritzed with a water bottle and also you are a cat. do something shitty? feel remorse? my cuck ass is NEVER doing that again!! because remorse felt so bad the first time, why would i risk doing it Again and feeling remorse Again? its just not worth it. but then again if you get more and more used to its presence it wouldnt work all that great and also would suck balls

and i've known a dude w bpd who was like that, and ive known people with good ol fashioned Anxiety Disorder that were like that- worse, even! they thought that bc they had anxiety, they were these cutesy little waifs and anything they did could be rebutted with "but i have anxietttyyyyyy" and everyone was just expected to pity them because of it- no matter what they did! people put too high of an emphasis on emotion as the standard of morality- if you're a scared abuse victim, thats Moral and you are Pitiable, which is Good. however if you fought back, you are Immoral and you are Secretly Probably The Aggressor, which is Bad. (consequently, if you're too scared, that's Moral, however you Didn't Fight Back, which means you were acting Illogically, and Had It Coming, therefore you are Bad) which is hypocritical as fuck! ive taken responsibility w/o remorse and i've takne responsibility with remorse and remorse is Not the important part of this argument, it's emotional intelligence.

[ssolarcalendarr]

ramble ahead

okay but in all honesty, i really like how hes using this to power others in his life. like actually. and i wasn't actually just putting on the podcast to boost ratings or purposefully trying to coerce others into listening for strictly the onlyfans. i actually listened/am listening to the podcasts because i like them. i wanted the podcasts to get more attention bc their podcasts are actually really cool and funny and interesting !! same thing with the documentary, it really caught my attention but i cant afford it so ill live with that burden. i wanted to empower markiplier a bit by somewhat spreading the word of the podcast because his podcasts with his friends are something really heartwarming. he understands the power he possesses over his audience, i mean. he knows people like his tasteful nudes I guess or something. he's aware that he can persuade people to do things like support his mom or friends things by using his body and other charms. and i really like how he does that. even if it is an onlyfans (💀), he's trying to help those in his life with it, the donations from it go to charity for goodness sake. anything for those nudes i guess for you guys but i would just be happy knowing that he's out there helping people like his mom get more coverage bc he loves her and his friends dearly and we all can see it. I'm not the person so desperate for the nudes (sorry for that wording) that ill put the podcast on while I'm sleeping or by repeatedly just playing through it at like double the speed so the ratings go up, I'm the type of person who will listen and enjoy and savor the words they say, the jokes they spit, and the laughter they share because its something really sacred and important to them and you can see and hear that. I quickly got tired of seeing things like "i don't care if you put it on while youre sleeping" and stuff like that, i would've liked more "hey, you should listen to this because its a really nice podcast!!" i didn't really like it when they're like DO THIS NOW !!! instead of being like hye you should do this but it doesn't mean you have to. they just saying it would be favorable for you to listen, but you dont have to at all. the content he creates with his friends is something really nice and there's a lot of funny moments there !! and they're literally just 3 guys lol. their commentary are genuine and they seem very comfortable together which is something i love seeing all the time.

not exactly sure what. i was going for in this ramble but i really hate how some people's desires are only on getting that onlyfans and not to listen to mark and enjoy the content he's spewing out, specifically for you to enjoy, its honestly very enjoyable !! the documentary that's coming out soon is something i would really like to view, but cant. i would love to watch the documentary, not for the onlyfans, but for the content of seeing him connect with his Korean side and his mom. just his family in general. i don't care if yknow youre only doing it for the onlyfans, but please try to enjoy what youre going to be watching and don't just watch because you want the end goal. try to stop and smell the roses in your little journey to tasteful nudes land. or something. maybe actually take that podcast for a listen, actually try to pay attention to what they're saying, maybe take a few steps back and really enjoy/admire the hard work and passion he puts into these types of things. idk. im kinda a sentimental type. i like to enjoy things that others have put their heart and soul into. i just like to see hard work pay off and see the effort they put into it.

[ellabsprincess]

okok! ilysmmmm <3 ill do this in the same style cus it makes it easier to explain! also i kept trying to ask what whatever we have going on subtly but idk if i was subtle.. 😭

ok i spent FOREVER trying to get them to explain what the reason would be i wanted a reason for them looking at me butttt ill skip that :) (pink me and purple her <3)

okay fine tbh i was just genuinely looking at you THIS TIME this time? there will be a next time? 🤷‍♀️ will there? would you like there to be? do i? hhhhh hhhhh? you alright there? nnno oh? and whys that? you know whyyy :((( aww do you? being so mean with the teasing :((( aw now thats just too bad :((( dont come at me with the sad faces [name] :( stop that 💔 ur teasing me so much there a problem? mmmmmmm ..no thats what i thought sbshshsjshshshs! you make me so nervous in the good way sweetheart i know HHHHHSHSHSHSHDHHHH [name] you got all nervous because i got something out of your hair today that says a lot [reply to sweetheart i know] dont speak to me like that you do not know what you are getting yourself into im not sure you do either oh? and what would i be getting myself into? just curious well tbh youve already got yourself into it youve showed me how easily flustered you are, therefore you know the rest do i? id be surprised if you didnt considering our conversation rn you make me very nervous. in the good way if that makes sense (I DIDNT REALISE I SAID THIS TWICE 😭) again, i know sjshshshdh you are killing me oh yeah? yeah.. cute hsbshdhddhdhdhdd djdndksjsjdjdjdj nono dont mock me :(( that wasnt my intention 💔 okay good <33 you make me feel things. oh? ..i said what i said bold of you to admit .. it took a lot of courage i can tell

and here are some lil random things that made my tummy flip while im already rambling

are you nervous [name]? is that a bad thing? not at all you should know i enjoy watching people getting nervous well its working. a lot. oh i know shshsjsjdhdh am i obvious on how easy you get all nervous and shit? yeah shahshshshshh shush shush shush you dont want me to [name] i dont i know. shshshshdhdhdhdhdhdhdsjsh like i said, you dont want me to very clearly i really don’t clearly oh? is that such a bad thing? not at all

maybe i just wanna be a tease? oh? i said what i said you enjoy teasing me? is that it? only just figured that out?

SORRY SORRY SORRY

-autistic loser anon

OH MY GODDDDD STRAIGHT UP GET MARRIED AT THIS POINT

i’m so honored by the amount of time you spend like laying this all out for me I FEEL LIKE IM WATCHING A MOVIE FRRR

and babes please stop apologizing!! i genuinely love hearing from you so no need to apologize AT ALL <33

you both are absolutely ADORABLE and i love all of this omg omg

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Maybe it is on me and not on him. I spent all day with him but I left upset that he didn’t fuck me. I guess I should’ve said something. But I never had to before. We hardly fuck anymore. It was a few times a day to daily to now maybe twice a week ? I don’t think I can put it down to circumstances. I feel like im old news to him. He’s not getting enough personal time. He needs to destress and im not an outlet for that. I just feel like we’re getting so distant. He doesn’t indulge my little side at all. In fact, he just down right refuses to sometimes. I ask something and he goes “im not like that, stop tryna change me”. Im not tryna change him. But if he can’t deal with my little side idk how I’m going to cope. He can be strict and parental, but he can’t be playful? I don’t understand why there’s such a block there.

I’m just worried I’m not as interesting for him anymore. Is it because of the improvements I’ve made ? Have I not made enough ? Is he attracted to me ? I can’t help but think all the worst things. It’s like I’m constantly waiting for a break, there’s always something, first it was his uni, then the queens thing, then he got ill, then he went back to team, and his deadlines, then we moved home and now he’s unwell and having to pay out and he’s stressed with life. There’s never a time where he’s okay and switches off. There’s always something. I don’t think I give him a break for any of those things. He says gaming does. That’s fair. I want him to have that time. But he makes out that I take up all that time ? He has time off during the day when I’m at work, when I’m at the gym, when I’m out “2-3 times a week” as he said. He worded it like I want all his free time but it’s not that. I want to give him all MY free time.

I’m due to come on so I know the pms shit is gonna start kicking in soon. Maybe that’s why I’m being all emotional again. I hate when he sees the glimpses of me when I can’t contain my feelings. When I let out how it all affects me. Makes me feel like he sees me as weak. Just like every other emotional woman. I don’t like it when he gets to see those moments. When I have to tell him I’m experiencing those things. My head just tells me that the more he sees the more he realises I’m not who he thought I was. That’s why things are being so distant. I feel like our dynamic has slowed down. And I swear to god if he ever utters the words about “ramping up” to me I’ll lose it. I’m not her. I’m not like what they had. It shouldn’t get to a point of “ramping up”. It’ll be fucked if we ever slowed down. I need all that stuff. He says he needs it to. He says I’ve got a shitty attitude and im getting away with lots atm. Does he ever think that maybe im tryna ensure that he’s keeping up his attitude too ? Idk idk. I haven’t even been ticking off my dailys the last 3 or 4 days. Idk how long I can keep up with this living separate situation. I think I might move out early next year. Even if it’s by myself. God I’m getting so in my head again.

It was just really meh to see Jordan and Alex together. To hear how he spoke to her. It made me miss how I would get spoken to. How she would get spoken to. I think I’m just rambling and getting in my head again. But Ik she’s upset.

I feel unwanted because he didn’t touch me. I think like I’m not an escape for him to switch off. And I feel like he doesn’t want to even try to indulge with my little side, at all.

Now idk when I’m gonna see him coz if that stupid conversation yesterday. He said maybe Tuesday eve. He’s gonna play games now that cadets isn’t on. I want him to have that time. Now he’s said all that. I just wanna give him all the time. I wanna shift my focus. Give him space. He says that’s not what he wants but I just don’t understand. I wish my FP would just shift. He doesn’t understand how much it affects me. He’s my utter world. I don’t feel like I need down time from him. I feel like I get personal time when I’m with him. He just doesn’t feel the same. That’s okay but it’s just shitty for me.

Ugh why won’t I just stop. I’m convincing myself he’s gone off me. I’m telling myself that there’s so many problems. Fuck me I wish I could just mute my head. I need to just distance myself. Because my expectations are just hurting me.

[saintobio]

okay so ch8 hurt a lot more than i thought and i’m actually trying not to cry for multiple reasons and like i’m nervous and so heartbroken for y/n bc she is actually traumatized and that the possibility of sera getting pregnant is a possibility and is it bad i think i’m numb from angst??? like this is probably the heaviest angst i’ve ever read and idk like sometimes my mood is like up and down constantly bc of this series (i promise this isnt an attack) and i think now i just kinda want to take a depression nap but i’m so hurt for y/n bc i think i relate to her a lot to the point to where its scary sometimes like trying to keep the peace to not rock the boat too much really hits home and so does honestly having to bottle everything up at the sake of your own sanity. also i’m so upset bc y/n doesnt even know that gojo actually rawdogged his mistress out of spite afterwards bc she passed out from the distress of arguing and basically losing her patience and i feel like she might blame herself for that when gojo was in the wrong (the raw sex) and honestly she deserves better and at this point i’m rambling so ill stop

damn this was long asf either way i suck at expressing myself but i’ll try harder next time :\

more below

Anonymous said

i just finished reading chapter 8 and i feel completely broken. im literally crying and shaking and had to take a pause. i wanted to mention how me and y/n have thalassophobia. also… i knew it. sera is such a manipulative bitch. how dare she say the things that she says when she. is. the. mistress?!! she must want her life to be harder than it is bc just like y/n said in the eyes of society -even if to her and him she was first (she wasnt)- she is gonna be a whore. someone like gohoe’s stepmom. using him just to climb up. gojoe is such a stupid ass bitch. i literally lost feelings for him today just like y/n. how dare he get mad when he knows the shit him and his mom went through inside a marriage like that. the mf came inside sera’s stupid ass too. im glad geto said something. im so happy his friends are mad at him. im glad to know they wasn’t okay with this situation in the first place but were trying to be good friends. gojoe is so stupid omg. i was literally crying the whole time. funny of him thinking that no one else would fuck us aside from him as if toji wasn’t there and as if he didn’t get jealous over the way guys were looking at y/n. tbh, idc if they end up together or not. im a hard simp for gojo but this is a story where i wouldn’t mind it at all if y/n doesn’t end up with him. what a mf. i understand that he has gone through stuff but the way he treats y/n has no excuse!! like literally no excuse. i feel bad for what he goes through but he is just taking it out on her. im sorry if this doesn’t make sense but i’m still going through the emotional pain of this chapter. poor y/n.

Anonymous said

Well that chapter was… really something else. My heart was hurting for y/n the whole time. However, I’m so happy that y/n finally voiced her feelings about everything Gojo’s put her through, I can’t even be that upset with her for throwing his mother leaving back in her face. And sera’s bitch ass brings out the most violent of tendencies within my soul, with her fake niceness and bitchiness. I hope karma hits her like a freight train, her having a prior relationship with Gojo in no way excuses this bullshit behavior of hers. Please tell me she doesn’t end up with Gojo, even if Gojo and y/n don’t end up together, she doesn’t deserve it or even him at this point. I’m glad that Geto and Shoko stood up for her the whole time and made bora bora more bearable, but Gojo just needs Jesus and therapy. Until then, Toji x y/n ❤️

Anonymous said

I am so excited for the future chapters. Can't wait for gojou to get a taste of his own medicine. I was rereading the earlier chapters and oof the things he said and did to mc hit even harder. I really don't know how anyone can move past the trauma and pain he inflicted on her. I don't know what the general consensus is among all the readers, but at this point I really REALLY want mc to find happiness and I don't think gojou is it 😔 It goes without saying though that we would absolutely love anything you decide to do plotwise. Thanks for the update! Please remember to take care of your health and please don't feel pressured to update if it interferes with your life and health. We are not going anywhere:))

Anonymous said

I have no words just that wow, you did an amazing job, i am speechless, SN is becoming my fav fic ever, I- i don't know what to say...You re such a talented writer, thank you for this chapter. THANK UUUUUU

but okay,,,,FUCK SERA AND GOJO THO FUCK THEM BOTH.I CAN'T STAND SERA BITCH ILL DROWN YOU.As for Gojo,,,I FEEL SO BAD CAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING HATE HIM I WANT HIS REDEMPTION ARC IM SO SORRY Y'ALL CAN HATE ME FOR THIS;((((((

this was incredible, very excited for whats coming, i fully trust you, my heart is in your hands do what you want with it SKKSKS take care of yourself and stay hydrated!!! MWA BIG KITH - 🍬

( manifesting Gojo's infertility)

Anonymous said

sera fr gonna babytrap gojo huh...

gosh i wish them the worst. im so glad the bestest person ever y/n finally decided to tell what she actually feels about their messed up situation, like you go girl i will hold your purse, show them who's the boss. and if there are sera and gojo apologists out there, why? please i knew sera was fucking suspish even back then and the audacity to come at y/n like that, gosh makes my blood boil fr. sometimes i wish y/n doesn't play by the rule and straight up be mean and put sera and gojo on a lot of blocklist so at least the thing sera moaning about how selfish y/n be comes true. pull the strings and show badass you are, y/n, maximize your power as an heiress. do it for capitalism! /j. Y/N CORRUPTION ARC WHEN!!

Anonymous said

OH SHIT IDK FUCK UHM FUCK I JUST FINISHED THE CHAPTER I WOKE UP AT 4AM FOR THIS I SET AN ALARM ON GOD AND ITS FUCKING BREAKING ME OMYGHOD JWDISISJAIXJAIDJW FUCKING SATORU MAN HE DIDNT FUCKING PULL OUT FAST ENOUGH IM GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, HIS SEEDS BETTER BE SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN

but fuck i love him too much fr fr, anyways on the other note i love Ieiri and getou so much if i could only bitch slap sera the fuck out of this world i would've

and to think i gave that bitch the benefit of the doubt cause it make sense for her to hurt and be with gojo even after he got married since they were together initially but bitch IMMA CLAMP THE FUCK OUT OF HER FACE IF HE DOES NOT STAY ON HER FUCKING LANE SHE OUT HERE TESTING MY FUCKING PATIENCE ON GOD

i super love and adore ur writing btw hehe

Anonymous said

OMG CH:8 has mee so livid istg I can’t even explain. YES!!! Y/n out here finally standing up for herself and slapping tf out of Hoejo, and the whole “your mom” thing I CACKLED ALDOSWBDO it was so mean yet deserving like

I love the realization for both Getou and Shoko they both finna drop Hoejo and get a new bestie bc gurl they are not for it😩

correct me if I’m wrong but you said said gojo decided to pull out of Sera, but it was “the rest” of it…. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT HE ACTUALLY C*ME in her😮😮😮

Bc if that’s the case and point

Sera’s whole “if I have his baby then imma have him too.” crap is end game.

But anways I loved this chapter! It was a sad read but I can’t wait for the reverse role arc!

hello edit response later when my headspace isn’t 📉 thank u to everyone who submitted asks ai needs some rest for now 😭

[daimonhalos]

Aight this is the second time I watch it but I'm gonna do a commentary on the latest bad's lore stream! Just for funsies, I might have honestly already forgotten some stuff so I wanna keep my thought process :3 let's go, commentary under the cut.

There's also some small theories/analysis in some points but nothing too much, just me rambling cause pain.

The pre stream song. Faster and Bad never change please.

I love so so so much the ominous soundtracks he puts as background for lore man it's just so coooool.

Reality check pre/post lore my beloved 💜

that little meh eh eh. is everything

he's just on a boat at night and but can already see he's got shaders on, this means PRETTY VISUALS AHEAD. Also i really like bits beginning with the character alone heading towards their destined direction, it's just pleasing

HIM TAKING DOWN ANTI EGG POSTERS. KING SHIT

Can't believe I got to hear "muffinhead" in lore voice.

Not even inside the room and HOLY SHIT they covered it all with the red bricks block IM AAAAH IT'S SO PRETTY. Like before the vines were all put at random but now they're neatly placed and it's actually aesthetically pleasing? I love it

DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR DANCEFLOOR

The table. is . so. is so . it's so prebby,,, help like i'd live there man

Bad being overwhelmed by the egg's voice and lowkey scared. FINE IM FINE

No other choice. And the way he repeated it like a mantra? Kind of like to convince himself? AHHH

SKEPPY. SKEPP

small,, small egg staircase

haha fuckign pain. p a i n. just pain it sounds a lot like Skeppy before actually stayed with Bad cause it annoyed him how much he wanted to hang out like old times,,,,, my heart pangs

IM JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU

I CARE ABOUT YOU *passes out*

bad scared the egg is skeppy's bff now /j (have to joke through the pain,,)

BADBOY i swear to god he knows his audience. he just does.

Bad doing whatever he can to even just hang out a few minutes with skeppy. Bro, the tears inside

"I'm comfortable right here." "Skeppy I know you are-" THE WAY BAD'S VOICE BROKE HERE HOLY SHIT LEMME CLIP IT.

He talks to chat. HE TALKS TO CHAT THIS MEANS WE ARE CANON THUS we are either little angels or demons around him or a mix or, we're particles that make up Rat ♥

"All of this is for him" okay stab me next time it'll hurt less

BADBOY STARTING TO BE CONFLICTED BECAUSE HE NEVER HAS A FUCKING BREAK

s- w- skeppy kept the egg alive? okay so ive been thinking about the fact that skeppy became completely red and like wow what if it kinda is that hes literally become a small part of Egg? like, i wonder if someone breaks it, if he feels pain

Skeppy so dry with his responses. stop i will cry

bad. bad why are you bringing up selfies to a lore stream bad-

"why are you still talking to me" "okay..." stop stop PLEASE STOP-

smol growls, he's getting frustrated

idk why but skeppy talking about the perimeters made me laugh it was just funny how far away he was and just started talking about it randomly

"i think it looked a little bit better before" thoughts being thunk

"what's it gonna take for you to stop talking to me?" literally i am deceased s t o p

STOP STEPPIN ON THE MAGMA BLOCKS SIR YOU'RE HURTING

Bad shouldn't be so happy about just having "one last walk around" with skeppy so he "stops bothering" him tHIS HURTS SO MUCH the egg has fucked them up so much

Skeppy doesn't hear it huh? Maybe it whispers different things to everyone

"I like how it feels" nooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP HURTING TOURSELF

so no dance? *slams phone on the ground*

When skeppy says his line about never seeing anything close to a party there, idk what it is about it but his tone just hits, man he's so good preesh

HE CALLED HIM ANT. BAD PLS YOUR BEING BAD AT NAMES IS SHOWING

"Oh my goodness you're going back to the egg" HE'S SO SAD. HE'S SO SAD CAUSE HE COULDNT KEEP HIM WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT LONGER HES S

"you know what? i invite you" i wanna read this in a certain way. The egg was feeling like bad was so frustrated he started doubting the egg, so it was like alright let's use skeppy to get it closer to I can manipulate this bad boy better :)) motherfuck

are they about to kiss-

egg cockblocker

"okay don't come back" end me rn

ngl when sapnap joined I got real scared for a moment.

"it's not about power! it's nor about control! i'm you friend skeppy!" "I mean ... you can think that" FUCK U NO IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RN

"We're friends, right?"

"In your head we can be best friends, we can be whatever you want" BDI ANYONE??????? also whatever- whatever he wants? :eyes: okay sorry no ill see myself out

"We're m- we are friends sk-" M- MARRIED WAS HE GONNA SAY MARRIED DID HE PULL A QUACKITY OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GUY OH MY GOD /pos but also like in a bawling my eyes out way

the egg is more than just a friend? skep u good there pal do u have smth to tell us

"You don't know what it's like." OH HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES HERE IT COMES OH NO.

The way Bad stutters i really thought he was gonna say something REALLY IMPACTFUL

"I have done so much for you, for our friendship and now you're trying to tell me we're not friends anymore?" LEAVE ME ALONE

I JUST CAUGHT THE BLOOPER HE SAID ON ME INSTEAD OF HANG OUT WITH ME IM CRYING OH MY GOD BAD HOW DID U FUCK THAT UP oh my god I imagine him mentally going like oh my gosh out of all the things that could be messed up THAT WAS SO FUNNY

ahaha my dads are fighting help

"You think you've done anything? You seriously think that?" *looks at my fic where bad feels worthless because the egg said so* ahah... I'm sorry?

"You left me for a long, long long time before you even checked up on me, okay?" he's not wrong,,,, he's not wrong why does this hurt sm,,,,, "and now all of a sudden you care about me?" OH MY GOD PLEASE I HATE THIS EGG

I see them... i see them approaching the lava blocks..

"the past doesn't matter" the egg wanting to erase their relationship so much,,,, i wanna cry because then if bad doesn't have skeppy he just has nothing right and then,,, then he can be another empty vessel for the fucking egg I hate this mI hate this so much

Also!!! little things I noticed!! Bad taking away part of the vine and also mining a red block? Without being affected at all? MHHHH

"I just wanted us to hang out like we used to" BAD'S VOICE CRACKING AGAIN STOP I WILL CJRYSD

"I did all of this for you and I didn't want the egg to take that away" you see how fucking tragic this is. Like Skeppy sacrificed himself so his friend could stop being infected. Bad sacrificed literally the whole server himself included to get him back. And then it comes down to this. The egg separating them a thousand fucking miles away. I hate this it's so sad

the selfish bit please no stop

THE LAVA BAD THE LAVA PLEASE IT'S TOO CLOSE

the fucking shaking with rage thing got me BROOOO I LOVE WHEN BAD DOES THE LITTLE THINGS IN GAME

"IT'S JUST A STUPID EGG" FUCKING FINALLY YOU TELL HIM BAD but then oh no oh no would you look at that huh. cant fucking have shit in dsmp. the way he immediately just screams for him right after

YOU CAN HEAR THE TEARS IN HIS VOICE and also mine hi I'm sobbing again

BDI FUCKING CANON LET'S GOOOOOOO WE CALLED ITTTT

(Dreamscape?)Skeppy being actually concerned with him haha this doesn't hurt at all!!!

*stares at black screen* I'm fine.

Thank you for listening to my ramble I am hurting so much bestie

[springfieldblues]

my long ass review for S32E03 Now Museum, Now You Don’t

warning: LONG because i rambled about history more than i thought i would

id been looking forward to this one because i like art history, especially after seeing how they tried their best to stick to historical accuracy in the previous episode I, Carumbus. this time however….they didnt try that hard. i dont know why i thought theyd go through that sort of trouble again LMAO

but its okay, i dont really expect the simpsons to be the paragon of historical accuracy or anything. especially in anthology episodes told through a particular character's lens (in this case, lisa, whos already feverish so whatever)

first i just wanna say that this is, i guess, less of a review and more of an accidental list of history fun facts. so im just gonna get my general thoughts out of the way first.

the episode was fun! to me at least haha. i mean it got me to think and do a lot of research on my own so that must count for something. besides a couple of really weird ones, the jokes were good. anthology episodes tend to be….not that good but i thought this one was one of the better ones so far. idk.

anyway on to lisanardo da vinky its the renaissance! jesus christ the italian accents in the beginning of this segment were annoying as hell but i also feel like that was the joke lmao. ill be real i kind of tuned out for a second there when grampa started rambling so idk what he said.

i told myself i wouldnt get nitpicky with historical accuracy if the jokes were funny (final edit: so that was a lie) but this meh bit with the pizza guys and mascots was really not worth ignoring the fact that its impossible for italy to have any tomato-based food in the 15th century (tomatoes were brought to europe from the americas in the 16th century, and pizza as we know it today—flatbread, cheese, tomato—originated in the late 18th century)

oh this next part was kind of legit tho. lisanardo, like the real leonardo, became andrea del verrochio's apprentice at his workshop. i loved this next bit:

"Whoever paints the sweetest cherub will have the honor of having MY name signed on their work. That's what great artists do!"

SO YEAH as it turns out, lisanardo painted the sweetest cherubs. the painting here is called The Baptism of Christ, and the real leonardo assisted verrochio in finishing it. specifically, he painted the cherubs in the corner.

this causes verrochio to quit and go someplace with less talented people: a music school (yes, verrochio did quit painting after getting owned by young leo and his mad angel painting skills. he never did anything with music tho, he was more of a sculptor)

alongside lisanardo, in mr largo-verrochio's workshop we have barticelli (botticelli bart), dolphatello (donatello dolph), ralphael (raphael...ralph) and mediocrito (no one that i know of. sorry milhouse) (and kearney i guess but they dont refer to him by name). botticelli and donatello are said to have also been apprentices at verrochio's workshop, but raphael came a couple of decades later so he couldnt have been there. and donatello was too old so that claim is a bit questionable. but anyway

it IS true that leonardo's peers envied him, to the point where he was anonymously and purposefully accused of being gay (a major crime punishable by death in 15th century florence) while he was still working at verrochio's workshop

we are then treated by what im pretty sure is the fourth time the show has used 'at seventeen' by janis ian, this time sung by a dejected lisanardo (man they really do keep making yeardley sing these days huh) who only wishes to be appreciated and not envied.

"I'll show them all! I'll show them all in a secret diary that no one will decipher for 400 years!"

some of lisanardo's future inventions. who wouldve known

so after barticelli, for some reason (revenge??? or something?? what was his plan here idgi) steals lisanardo's diaries full of blueprints of her inventions and takes them to mr burns who i have to assume is pope alexander VI here, they decide to use her inventions for war.

"With these, we can kill the most evil people in the world!! ....Slightly different Christians."

leo actually did this of his own accord. im surprised this is what they decided to do with lisanardo instead of talking about leo's love of nature and vegetarianism (not a single mention of that in this episode? come on...) then again, trying to do good only to end up indirectly making things worse is a very standard lisa storyline. i guess they didnt want to miss the chance to have evil pope burns (very fitting, especially for that era since they were all about money and controlling the people)

so lisanardo decides to leave for france, unlike the real leonardo who was more or less persuaded by his ultimate fanboy king francis I to move to france.

"Lisanardo, I have many questions. Why are you hitting yourself? A nerd says 'what'? And how is it possible that I am rubber and you are glue? Et cetera, et cetera."

that line may seem a little random, like hes just nelson saying nelson things (and i mean, obviously he is) but the real francis also "had an unquenchable thirst for learning, and Leonardo was the world’s best source of experimental knowledge. He could teach the king about almost any subject there was to know, from how the eye works to why the moon shines." so yeah, he did have many questions and lisanardo, finally being appreciated for her intellect, was happy to answer them all. its very interesting how lisa assigned this role to nelson in her retelling of da vinci’s life :^)

and so she lived the rest of her days in france, nat king cole's 'mona lisa' plays because duh, and they make a da vinci code reference because duh. and the segment ends. and not a single time did they show the actual mona lisa painting. the fuck?

(ngl i was fully expecting bart to say 'leonardo da vinky' for a second here)

so this next segment is about french impressionist painters, most likely the batignolles group, a name adopted by the early representatives of impressionism. its much more vague than the lisanardo segment since no one here is referred to by name (except moe, more on him in a sec) but i dont feel like it really matters in this case. bart is prrrrooobably claude monet but its hard to say, this segment is kind of a mish-mash of a lot of things. also i gotta say i really liked how lisa introduced the story to bart with an 'if you hate the formal study of art' and not 'if you hate art' because thats exactly my headcanon. i LOVE the concept of artist bart and whenever its referenced it just makes perfect sense to me.

anyway the segment opens in 1863 at the école des beaux-arts (back then it was actually known as the académie des beaux-arts), preserver of traditional french art styles. skinner reviews his students’ paintings one by one. praises the plain, unimaginative paintings depicting your typical european countryside landscapes. very run-of-the-mill (haha get it...cuz theres….a windmill) (although the real académie didnt approve of such basic stuff, they wanted artists to draw epic historical and mythological scenes) then he gets to barts painting and he gives him an F- because the painting made him think.

(the paintings in this scene arent real famous paintings as far as i know but they are inspired by real paintings enough to get the point across)

in comes barney dressed as bacchus as a model for the students to sketch, which i just loved:

barney: “You prefer robe open or robe off?” skinner: “Just cover your privates with this walnut shell.” barney: “Whoa!!! So roomy!”

skinner gasps in horror at bart’s sketch, which “looks nothing like him” and bart explains that “it shouldn’t; we’re making the art that we feel because we can’t compete with a camera.” damn, you go bart. take that, realism. draw what you feel!!

(also no, you didnt need to hold still for 17 hours for a daguerreotype. 30 min tops.)

nelson haw-haw of the week: FOIE-gras!

so here they are at the moulin rouge (“enjoy it before baz luhrmann ruins it” hey shut up. i love that movie), which wouldnt be built for another 26 years, but it is the most widely known gathering place for bohemians in the public consciousness so i can understand why they went with the moulin. nelson delivers this anachronistic line:

“This époque keeps getting beller and beller!”

which alludes to la belle époque, the golden age of france usually dated from 1880 to 1914. made me snort so ill let that slide

and heres moe! as henri de toulouse-lautrec, who was actually born a year after the year this segment is set in. yo moe szyslak he was just 1

toulouse-moetrec introduces himself as the chronicler of the demimonde (not an actual job). an iconic figure associated with the moulin rouge (largely due to his affinity for alcohol and prostitutes), toulouse-lautrec was also a painter, having illustrated a series of posters for the moulin himself. he simply had to be in this segment, anachronisms be damned, just because they decided to include the moulin. cant have one without the other.

and yes he did have a walking cane where he kept his liquor.

i love how everyone drinks absinthe in this place. theyre bohemians what else would they drink

toulouse-moetrec points out that barts paintings are the greatest thing hes ever seen (and hes seen like five things!) and that hes a genius. milhouse realizes that they should stop doing what the teacher says and use their own minds to instead...start doing what bart says lmao. to the easels!

next we have skinner hyping up chalmers about the art his students made for the salon de paris, an art exhibition that the emperor of france will attend. he assures him that none of these paintings will encourage debate, provoke thought or be out of place at a dentist’s office. when they unveil the art, theyre both SHOCKED at how scandalous the paintings actually are.

this reaction was kind of accurate. impressionism was severely rejected at the salon de paris, due to paintings not looking finished enough to them, they thought they were ugly and vulgar for depicting nudity in a contemporary setting (historical and mythological nudity was fine). these impressionist paintings were sent to the salon de refusés, which is. yeah. the place where they sent the rejects. the salon de refusés does not make an appearance but this scene makes a reference to it when the artists get expelled from the royal salon. also:

“What about our student loans?” “Oh they’ll be refunded. We are not barbarians, I mean, come on.”

(god if only)

so the painters are down because they want the emperor to actually see their paintings. toulouse-moetrec pipes in once again with an idea.

“There is one thing the emperor loves more than anything.” “France?” “No, he hates France.”

apparently the emperor really loves cheese, which makes sense since its napoleon III (who loved cheese) and homer (who loves cheese.) so the painters roll into the salon inside a giant wheel of cheese (obviously.) as lenny said, “Eh, you know French cheese. Very runny.” napoleon III chases after the wheel into a room, where the wheel falls apart after getting chomped on by the emperor. now that they got his attention, the painters proudly show the emperor their impressionist art, which he couldnt be more indifferent about because he just wants to eat his cheese dammit, and he awards them with the royal medallion just to kind of get them out of his way. skinner immediately starts kissing ass (as he does) until marge’s like ‘hey wait a minute. you expelled these students from the royal salon’ and an executioner immediately starts ominously measuring skinners neck.

“Uh, sir...is your tongue sticking out because you’re dead or because you’re mad at me?”

and thats the end of that lmao (gore in this episode, gore in the last episode, and next week we’re getting gore too cuz its THOH, what the hell is goin on)

we get a short intermission with maggie, who wants a story for her too! lisa tells her that renaissance artists loved to put babies in their paintings, especially baby angels.

here she is showing her The Triumph Of Galatea by raphael:

King David Playing The Harp by peter paul reubens:

and a very simplified version of pretty much any depiction of hell by hyeronimus bosch lmao:

not much else to say about this one, really. but i really liked that sky!

the last segment is about frida kahlo and diego rivera. or as bart puts it ‘the one about a fat guy whos wife is too good for him.’ i was REALLY looking forward to this one because i love frida and i thought itd be a cool opportunity for animators to go bonkers and do really cool shit with her art as inspiration…..but the segment is not about frida, its about diego and his selling out to capitalism. and its also yet another story with homer and marge drama. no funky cool animation here. sigh i guess i’ll take it

the story begins in 1929 at la casa azul, frida’s home (now museum dedicated to her life and work.) frida and diego are getting married. this courtyard definitely did not look this way yet back in 1929. also theres something very cringy yet funny about lovejoy saying spanish words the way he does, i honestly cant decide how i feel about that one

the writers know theyre being cringy with their gringoness so they go along with it.

moe: “Spanish for ‘best wishes’!” mel: “Spanish for ‘congratulations’!” bumblebee man: “Spanish for ‘muy bueno’!”

OH YEAH BUMBLEBEE MAN this is his new voice actor, eric lopez! hes not mexican but its still great to finally have a latino actor voicing a latino character and hes very excited to be part of the show so i hope to hear more of him!! im rooting for him

el barto/zorro makes an appearance which i am very confused about. he has jack shit to do with frida and diego and mexico in the 20s-30s. el zorro was set in the spanish california of the early 19th century. their use of the original theme song makes me think they just wanted to flex their disney privileges tbh

lets not talk about that that whole scene was bad

anyway diego announces he and frida are going to new york, without even asking her first. frida is obviously pissed.

“Don’t worry, as a woman, you’ll be treated with much more respect in America.”

so in new york, diego is having a bit of a business meeting with mr burns as one of the members of the rockefellers, who is commissioning him to draw a mural for the rockefeller center. its kinda funny how he refers to him and frida as socialists even though they were very much communists lmao its okay you can say it. ok so far, but then frida says ‘yes, we hate the capitalists! right now, a young socialist is being born who will take them down! mr. bernie sanders. i hope hes quick about it’ and that was a simple enough joke and couldve been left at that but then its immediately followed by this weird as fuck family guy-esque cutaway gag to bernie as a baby:

“Getting a cootie shot should not cost your lunch money. And if you don’t listen to me, listen to the Bernie Babies! What? Everybody’s got goons.” *larger babies start beating up this other baby* “I disavow that, and welcome it.”

this confused me so much that i had to ask one of my american friends to help me understand, but even she was like ‘uhhh yeah thats a weird joke,’ especially now that hes been out of the race for months (then again these episodes take almost a year to produce. i guess they couldnt be bothered to replace it with something more relevant.) whatever that was weird and confusing and unfunny moving on

frida is pretty irked that diego is going through with this deal. after all, it goes against everything they believe in. im not sure how the real frida felt about diego doing the mural, but she did feel a bit of rage during her visit to the united states, especially the obvious disparity between rich and poor. she hated having to interact with capitalists and found americans very boring. in this segment, frida seems to be acting more like the american communist party, which diego got kicked out of for accepting commissions from wealthy patrons. in any case, frida is pretty upset about this whole thing.

and finally we get the first and only kind of surreal frida moment. kinda. maybe. its more cartoonish than anything but im desperate ok

interesting how they felt like they had to add a “don’t smoke” in big letters after showing patty and selma flying away on their giant cigarettes. i wonder if this is something theyre making them do now? i remember hearing something about them toning down patty and selma’s smoking

diego comes home to frida, drunk as hell, followed by the marx brothers. i cant believe they didnt make a marxism joke come on it was RIGHT THERE. THE MARX BROTHERS. KARL MARX. COME ON

frida paints her feelings.

this makes diego realize that frida is a genius and he is not half the artist she is. he proclaims he will now show his awe of her by sleeping with other women, starting “an hour ago.” to which frida replies, “and i will start sleeping with other women, starting two hours ago.” yes this was pretty much their relationship. though im just wondering how the hell did diego not know frida was this kind of artist until now? i know homers an idiot but jeez. art was how frida and diego met, diego knew from the get-go that frida was an incredible artist. i guess the fame got to his head or something. again, homer just being stupid.

“well enough already, while the art is still deco, okay?”

its time for the mural diego painted, Man At The Crossroads, to be unveiled:

rockefeller examines it. good and great so far, and then...uh oh

“Who’s that fellow…? With the beard, and the bolshevik smile…” “That’s the founder of Soviet Russia, Lenin!”

“B-b-but he’s a communist!” “Oh he just attended a couple of meetings.”

rockefeller will not have this communist in the temple to capitalism that is the rockefeller center, so he orders diego to paint over it. diego stands his ground and refuses. despite rockefeller’s threats, diego says that theres only one person he wants to be proud of him no matter what and in true homer & marge fashion, frida is touched by this. they happily leave the rockefeller center.

now, the real story of Man At The Crossroads and the rockefeller center was actually not that different. as soon as the rockefellers found out diego had snuck in a portrait of lenin into the mural, they ordered him to paint over it, to which he refused. diego even offered to include abraham lincoln and even american abolitionists in the mural as a compromise, but the rockefellers simply did not want any references to communism whatsoever. they did not complain about the hammer and sickle, though. yes, they did know diego was a communist and hired him anyway. what did they expect? lmao. diego said:

"Rather than mutilate the conception [of the mural], I shall prefer the physical destruction of the conception in its entirety, but preserving, at least, its integrity."

so they decided to destroy the mural before it was even finished and they never talked to each other again.

diego then repainted the mural at the palacio de bellas artes back in mexico, this time known as Man, Controller of the Universe. this new version included even more communist leaders and a depiction of john d. rockefeller jr. drinking at a nightclub, right underneath a depiction of syphilis bacteria. cue nelson haw-haw:

this was the version they used in the episode also, since the original was, well, never finished and also destroyed. only a black and white photograph of it exists, taken by diego before it was destroyed so he could remake it.

right so, homer!diego then pulls a Barthood and finishes the episode with a large mural summarizing the entire episode. he says some rick and morty thing i didnt get because i dont watch the show idk idc

the end

ALRIGHT NOW ITS TIME FOR THE STORY OF VINCENT VAN MOE

[offtopicoverload]

Sooo about that exchange you told me...

One time i was going to my first piano lesson after a while, and i was really excited but you know really nervous. When I go to meet the teacher, we go into a seperate room to practice and see if i want to continue with them. So i sit down on the stool and they start asking me questions about my knowledge on piano, and tells me to show how i play. So remember how i said i am really nervous, well he he... they sit down next to me and play something easy for me to repeat and me being the nervous and anxious mess i am, i totally don't realize their feet on the pedal and i accidentally🙃 k i c k 🙃them. They say, it's okay don't worry, just play what i did. So once again i try and start to play but this time my hands are shaking so i am not able to play very well and i get really frustrated cuz i don't want them thinking i am bad at playing. But of course, i fuck up evenmore so they try to show me by placing their hands on top of mine but can you guess what i did? 🙃🙃🙃 i p u s h their hands away as a reflex 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 by the time i finished the lesson, i was an apologising mess and a red tomato🙃🙃🙃 conclusion i don't think i will be having any lessons on anything, ever again..... yeah, so any galaxy thoughts from your beautiful brain??

(i am so sorry this is so long, if you don't want to answer i would totally understand)

i fucking FEEL YOU ON THAT. im the freeze-up-when-anxious type, but i know exactly what you mean and it’s so awkward asdjhfsdfjk

but dont stop trying to learn, especially things you enjoy, those are so important

as for the galaxy thought, im so bad at broad questions, so im just gonna ramble under the cut lmfao, and if ya wanna correct me or ask something specific, i promise ill get to it sooner this time lol

- im playing the nanny affair right now and its the most confusing thing. im ace and have this weird, dark curiosity towards allos, so ive read some shit, but i can only ever explain my thoughts as 👁👄👁

like what IS THIS???? WHY??? IS THIS REAL???? IS THIS A THING???? THE FUCK????? so. confused.

- ANYWAY i started another fic last night, this time for the freshman and idk why im finally getting around to the idea, but i guess i am

- ive also decided that clover 100% made fun of rocco and his ukulele and his wonder wall singing mercilessly, and i love her for it

- rosie’s really good at wearing heels and hope buys her pairs and then steals them. they also make her giant cuz shes already 5′11″, so she just towers over everyone ajhfksj

- ooh should i list heights? fuck it why not this my blog and bullshit i can do whatever LMAO

violet’s 6′2″ and absolutely not allowed to wear heels, hazel’s 5′5″ but lies and says shes 5′6″, runaways mc is a shorty at 5′2″, daisy’s actually 5′6″, ivys 5′8″ and always wears heels, lilacs 5′7″ and doesn't care at all that shes kinda tall, willows 5′7″ and shes juuuust too short compared to elisa, sage is only 5′6″ but she has tall energy, dahlias 5′4″ and adores it, ash is mega shorty at 5′0″, olives 5′9″ and digs towering over chelsea, clover is 5′2″ but has like 5′6″ vibes, rowans 5′4″ but somehow looks shorter, briars 5′8″ and either very inconspicuous or very intimidating, oakley’s 6′ and the one always getting thing from the top shelf, rue’s 5′9″ but with shorter energy, rylens 5′5.5″ and yes that .5 is important cuz auroras only 5′5″, izzys 5′3″ and it just kinda... fits

- i started reading the stanford encyclopedia of psychology page on happiness yesterday cuz thats where im at rn, but then i got distracted and dont remember anything and i dont know what this is, so im sorry ashdkjf, ill happily answer something more specific instead of this collection of random thoughts as i avoid working

[angelnumber27]

Checking in! I know you've been having a hard time lately with physical and mental health. You don't need to answer this if you don't want to but youre going to be alright. Take care of yourself make sure you're taking meds if you need them. Stay safe okay!!!

Thank you sweet heart! I really appreciate you checking up 💓😇 Im doing much better today :) I finally got some sleep after two days and had a calm and good day 🤍🤍🧚🏻‍♂️💆🏻‍♀️🕊 I made some art, did a study on fungi and their shapes and did a lot of productive things like cleaning up and reading and writing :) my body is extremely sore like everywhere but I don’t mind as long as I’m not in full panic mode constantly. That happens occasionally. I take my meds exactly as prescribed every single day! I know myself and I know how important it is to be consistent with what I am putting in my body because my body is incredibly sensitive to changes, especially chemical ones. Therefore, its not withdrawal from medication, things would be much much MUCH worse if that was the case. I’m talking crying endlessly every waking minute and not being able to stop, calm down or self-soothe and suicidal ideation that I can’t shake, severe brain zaps every 2-5 minutes, feeling hot, nauseous, restless, sometimes I’ll get like muscle aches and spasms, and bad depression as well as all of my severe and unmanageable ocd symptoms immediately flooding back. Those rare times when I accidentally run out of medication or when I’m not able to take it for a few days for whatever reason, make me realize just how much my medication is helping and how much of a difference it makes. I’m like damn I must have felt SO horrible before I was prescribed.. or it’s likely that it wasn’t really that bad before but since my body is now used to receiving the medication every day it becomes that bad when I don’t take it for like 72 hours. Its kind of sad bc I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop taking it. Idk about anybody else but honestly I think I would rather take one little pill daily than experience awful constant panic, hysterical crying, deep fear and impending doom. It’s worth it for me. Of course everyone is different and the medication that has been life-changing for me could very well make the next person feel suicidal. Everybody has different brain chemistry and unfortunately it takes some trial and error to find what works for you but I think (depending on the situation ofc) it is worth it to give it a try. So sorry for rambling, that’s just how my mind works lol. I think of one thing and a million other things stem from that. I don’t know if people understand this but when I say I have racing thoughts I mean seriously RACING thoughts. Nonstop, super ‘loud’ and intrusive thoughts bombarding my brain from every angle that are very very difficult to turn off or soothe. Anyway all in all I am doing well and I am staying as safe as possible. I was thinking about it today and honestly considering my situation and everything I have been through, I am doing extremely well and I am incredibly healthy. For somebody in my position, with my trauma, having being stalked and harassed daily for the past four years by somebody who knows about my trauma, the false sense of loneliness, severe depression, panicky tendencies, unbridled stress, negative surroundings, patterns of thinking, memories of abuse and the ways that has taught me to view myself, as well as the various mental illnesses I am constantly combatting, I’m excelling all things considered lol.

If anybody actually read this this far thank you SO much you’re an angel and I appreciate you caring about me and my wellbeing more than you know. I really really hope everybody is having a beautiful day and that you are all in a position in life that is comfortable and safe.

[we-stan-bruce-ban]

18 or 14 for the prompt thing 👀👀👀👀

14: “Is everything alright?” “It is now that you’re here with me.” *Which I tweaked a bit but same general idea

-O-

Thor hadn’t had a phone for terribly long. He still had a lot to figure out, but over time he’d learned one thing for sure: late night texts from Tony were almost never a good thing.

[Tony]: Hey

[Tony]: Bad news

What a surprise.

[Thor]: What is it this time?

[Tony]: Bruce

Immediately, he felt his heart stop. Thor’s typically slow thumbs were a blur as he tapped out a message.

[Thor]: What happened? Is he ok?

[Tony]: Not…really

[Thor]: What does that mean?

[Tony]: He’s stuck

[Thor]: Stuck?

[Tony]: Yep

[Thor]: In what?

[Tony]: He’s stuck mid transformation between the hulk and himself

[Tony]: Like, kinda big kinda green, very distressed, and I think he and the hulk are sharing a mind? Idk he keeps yelling at himself every now and then

Thor honestly didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know Bruce could get stuck like that, but it sounded awful. He took a moment to figure out what he wanted to ask next.

[Thor]: Does he seem hurt? Physically?

[Tony]: No clue, its kinda hard to tell

[Thor]: I’m coming over.

[Tony]: Figured you would. On floor 14

[Thor]: Please keep watch over him while I’m on my way.

[Tony]: No I think Im just gonna go make myself a margarita while my best friend is tearing his own existence apart in ways we didnt even know where possible beforehand

[Tony]: Of course Ill watch him

Thor didn’t waste time replying to Tony’s trademark sarcasm. Within mere minutes, he was over at Stark Tower, standing in the freezing rain and harsh gusts of wind that were probably brought on by his own stress. The door opened for him and he slipped inside, making a beeline for the elevator. Thor rode all the way up to the fourteenth floor, trying to catch his breath. Before he even got out of the elevator, he could tell that there was a strange sort of tension in the air.

When he stepped out, Bruce was nowhere to be found. Tony was rubbing his temple, as if he had a headache. Thor neared him, his eyes darting around the lab.

“Where is he?”

“Asleep. Finally.”

“Asleep?”

“He eventually passed out. Over-exhaustion, probably.”

“Okay,” he nodded, pausing. “Is he okay, though?”

“I…don’t know.”

Thor sighed and looked up towards the ceiling, then back at Tony. “So, he’s both? Him and the Hulk? At the same time?”

“Basically,” he nodded. “As far as I can tell, anyways.”

“Gods, that must be awful for…for both of them, I guess.”

“I can’t imagine how shitty he must feel.”

“Tell me where he is.” 

“We’ve got a hangout on this floor. It’s like…a makeshift bedroom, I guess. We spend so much time in here we figured we might as well have, like, a napping area,” he explained. “It’s a little room down the hall. Right side.”

Thor gave a sharp nod and hurried towards the door. 

“Hey, be careful, okay?” Tony called after him. 

“Of course I will be!”

Just like Tony said, the room was like the beginnings of a proper bedroom. There was a small bookshelf to one side, a few soft, yellow lights scattered about, and in the corner, a massive collection of pillows and duvets. There might have been a mattress beneath it, but it was hard to tell. Especially with the person curled up on top of it all. 

All along his arms were patches of what looked like rashes, only a muddy green color. His veins bulged along his arms and neck. He was definitely taller than he should have been, and more built and muscular, too. Bruce (Hulk?) himself seemed more like he was knocked out rather than peacefully asleep. His dark eyebrows were furrowed in what seemed like distress or frustration, and he would twitch every now and then. Thor knelt beside him and ran a finger along one of the several tears in his tightened shirt.

“Hello, dear,” he whispered. 

The being before him grumbled something incomprehensible. Then, his eyes snapped open. Thor took his hand back and watched intently. 

“Bruce?” he asked carefully. 

“Y-Yes,” he whispered, then smacked the side of his head. “No!”

Thor’s brow furrowed in concern. “Hey…”

“No! No Banner.” He shook his head frantically. A pained expression crossed his face. “Banner…sorry. I-I’m sorry…he’s…”

“Look at me,” he whispered, cupping his cheek. Thor pulled him into a gentle kiss, delicately playing with his hair. He pulled away and took a shaky breath. Thor frowned slightly and took his hands.

“Look at me, darling,” he whispered again. Bruce was hesitant to meet his eyes, but when they met each other, Thor gave him a warm smile. 

“I just wanted to say I love you. So, so much.”

He nodded slowly. “L…love you…too.”

“Mhm.”

“Who…am I?” he whispered suddenly. Thor paused.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t?”

He shook his head. “I mean…you aren’t exactly Hulk, but…but you aren’t fully Bruce either…”

“What am I?” The fear in his voice was more evident than before. 

“I don’t know, my love,” he said apologetically. “Do you feel more like one of them than the other?”

After a moment of thought, he replied. “Bruce.” 

“Are you sure?”

“…No. But…but I think I’m him…” 

“Okay,” he said softly. “Then we’ll get you back to being your old self.” 

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Thor gave him a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Hurts…” Bruce sniffled. 

“I’m so sorry, my love,” he whispered, looking over his trembling muscles. “Just…focus on me. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Gonna be okay…” he repeated, squeezing his eyes shut. “Th–Thor…”

“Yes, dear?” 

“He’s…I don’t want…” Bruce swallowed. “Make it stop…”

“I’m not sure how,” he admitted. “Try to…um, maybe think about things that help you relax?”

“Hugs,” he said quickly. “Hug me…”

Thor nodded and wrapped his arms around him. It was odd, since he was used to hugging a much smaller Bruce. The way he was now, their heights were just about matched. Nevertheless, Thor just pretended like it was a normal night. Just cuddling his boyfriend in bed, and nothing more. 

“How’s this?” he murmured, rubbing his thumb against a rough patch of skin. 

“Yes,” was all Bruce replied. Thor pressed a kiss just below his ear and hummed softly. It was an old Asgardian lullaby he remembered his mother singing to him as a child. Thor wasn’t the best singer, by any means, but he hoped it was calming. 

Apparently it was, since he started to feel Bruce start to shrink in his arms. He whimpered as he curled in on himself, his body still shaking and jerking. 

“Hush, hush, you’re alright, I’m here…” Thor whispered. Bruce took deep breaths. Everything had stopped. Thor looked down at him, trying to determine if he was fully back yet. The shirt he wore, while still ripped, seemed to fit him once more, and his skin was back to its usual color. 

“Bruce?” he asked. 

“Yeah…” Bruce turned to look at Thor. Tears streaked his face, but the look in his eyes was relief. He rolled over and hugged Thor tight. 

“Fuck…fuck. Okay. I’m okay, I’m okay,” he rambled to himself. “It’s fine…” 

Thor himself let out a sigh, happy that Bruce had come back to himself. “There. See? I told you we’d get you back.”

“That was…fuck.”

“Is everything alright, now?”

“Since you’re here,” he nodded. 

“What was that?”

“I don’t know,” Bruce shook his head. “I don’t know and I hope I never experience it again.”

“Hopefully you never will.” Thor stroked his curls. 

“Yeah…shit. Yeah.” Bruce glanced up at him. “Thank you…”

“Don’t thank me. I just want you safe and happy.”

Bruce smiled faintly. “I love you. So much, more than I could ever tell you. I’m…shit with words. You know that.”

“I do. But I love it.” Thor grinned. “It makes you yourself.” 

“See? I can’t do that,” he laughed softly. “Articulate words and all that…”

“Then just kiss me,” Thor mumbled.

Bruce did.

[acadieum]

What exactly does "safe blog" mean?

lmaO honestly im kind of surprised it took this long to get a question about it 

but i’ll put it under a read more bc… yoinks..! it’s nothing bad though! 

it’s just a really long ramble about my blog’s origin story lol

but anyways, when i started this blog, it was actually a secondary blog for me! as in, it wasn’t the main blog i was using

at the time, my main blog was constantly stressing me out. i felt pressured to post constant “top-quality” art at a high frequency and of only one fandom in particular - that of which i was really losing interest in. 

like, i felt if i posted anything else (from a different fandom or a lower-quality doodle) or if i stopped posting in general, id be condemned or something- and that feeling was absolutely SUFFOCATING 

i always felt that i was being compared to other artists and that really fucked up my self-worth and my attitude towards my art. 

it didn’t help that people often didn’t respect me as an artist and would constantly repost my work without credit or permission. 

so i made a new blog to get away from it all, and that’s this blog!

i wanted a blog where i could just post about my interests and create art without feeling pressured to post or do art of a specific interest all the time. 

bc back then, id get so many asks saying “i didnt follow you for ___ content so stop posting it or im going to unfollow >:(” and younger me took it to heart and was incredibly vulnerable to it so i couldn’t POSSIBLY post other content

but on my new blog (aka this one!), i could! but at the early stage of this blog, sometimes, i would forget that i have the freedom to do so also.

so, as a reminder to myself, i put in my description that this was a “safe blog” to emphasize in my mind that there’s no need to feel pressure here. that i’m okay. that everything is okay! and that i can grow at my own pace. 

there’s no need to stress about posting art on a schedule or to post within a specific fandom. i could freely just be me, unlike my other blog, and thats why i deemed it a “safe” blog.

now, keep in mind, when i started this blog, i never knew it was going to blow up and i never intended for this blog to be a full-time thing!

it was SUPPOSED to be just another blog, a small one that i could go to just to have fun and to be myself. but i enjoyed it so much here that i never wanted to leave and this became my main!

this blog truly helped me become independent as an artist. i stopped worrying about what people wanted me to post and i posted about content that i liked and i drew things i enjoyed and i was happy!

this may seem like a simple thing, but it took me a long while to achieve this sort of free-spirited happiness with my blog content and my art

which is why i get so happy when you all enjoy the stuff that i post! whether it be the stuff i reblog, the art i create, or the silly text posts i put out! the welcome here was so heart-warming, i couldn’t bear to go back. 

the term “safe blog” is no longer necessary in my description, since i’m here all the time now and i’ve learned to love myself and the work i put out - but i just never brought myself to delete it honestly. maybe i will at some point in the future but i haven’t yet! so, yeah!

nowadays, i like to think that “safe blog” means kind of like a “only good vibes here bro!” kind of deal bc ill usually try to post things that makes me happy or things that would be helpful to others or cheer them up if they had a rough day! 

idk i just want ppl to have a good experience here ig- i just want them happy vibes from here on out bc i spent so long being depressed about my surroundings, my art, and myself so- 

it came to be sort of like a supportive circle thing? where we can share that good loving support and thats why i love supporting my mutuals whenever i possibly can! (im kind of rambling again. but did i mention i love my mutuals? anyways anyways anyways)

that being said, while i am very welcoming of others, i will not hesitate to block and report disgusting people off my blog bc i do not want to be associated with them in any way, shape, or form. 

—————————————————————————————————–

BUT YEAH ANYWAYS TLDR; the term “safe blog” was a reminder to myself that it’s okay to be me and to enjoy life and have fun w my art blog! 

it was on my blog since the beginning and it sort of means something different now, bc i love the good vibes but i can and will absolutely destroy any disgusting person that even THINKS about looking at my blog. that’s all! thank you! :)

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!