#okay there are you satisfied? did you get your look? your entertainment? you gonna go back home and be like It Was That Family Again 🙄?

[beholdthemem]

Well, on a positive note, I can at least say that I've finally started bonding with my sister's boyfriend as opposed to making awkward stilted small talk while we both wait for her to reappear and save the conversation.

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

Neil talking about the responses to Good Omens Season 2 - from the Neil Gaiman interview with Brian Levine for The Gould Standard (x,x)

BL: The audience that you have built is a very passionately engaged audience. They, frankly, they love you. And one of the reasons they love you is that you fit into what I think of as one of two great divisions in art. There's, or in writing, um, there is: I'm entertained, I'm amused. I may be even enchanted; and then there's this hits me at a visceral level. You understand me as no one else does. You have touched something very central to my experience. And it seems to me that Much of your writing, maybe all of your writing, actually reaches your audience at that latter level. You know. I would say in the former category, sort of my quintessential and beloved example would be P. G. Woodhouse. He amuses me, but I don't feel like he's revealed my inner self at a very deep level. Um, were you aware that you were going to be able to achieve that? Um, that this is something... was it a startling thing when people began coming up to you, who'd read your work and said, this means so much to me?

Neil: Yeah. It was huge. And it wasn't expected. I... if I had a mountaintop I was heading towards, it was gonna be P. G. Woodhouse. Um, I wanted to be a proficient entertainer with a clear prose style who could tell stories. Um, it probably wasn't until Sandman that I found... I started to realize that in order for a story to work, I had to show too much. In order for a story to resonate, in order for a story to matter, I had to let it matter too much. And, and I remember the first people who would start coming up to me and saying, um, you, you know, your, your Sandman comics got me through the death of a loved one. Your death character got me through my child's death, through my parent's death, through my partner's death, through my friend's death. Um, and that left me kind of amazed. I'm like, well, I didn't write it to do that. I wrote it to feed my children. I wrote it to satisfy myself. I wrote it because nobody else had ever written it. And if I didn't write it, it wouldn't be written, but I don't think I wrote it to give you what you've taken from it. And I spent really about 20, 25 years feeling awkward about that. And then my father died, in March 2009, and never got to cry about it. Never... I, you know, I've, I've got on a plane and I went to the UK and dealt with the funeral stuff and organized all of that stuff and came back and go toff the plane and went and did Stephen Colbert's Colbert Report and wearing the funeral suit because and that was all I had with me and carried on. And then, somewhere in the middle of summer, I was reading a friend's script. They'd sent me a script and said, can you look this over? And I'm reading it, and on page 20, the lead character meets somebody, and on page 26 maybe, she's dead, and I burst into tears. And I'm bawling. I am sobbing. It is coming out of me in giant racking waves. And I realized that it's everything that I'd been, hadn't let myself feel, or hadn't been able, hadn't stopped enough to let myself feel, was suddenly being given permission to feel by the death of a fictional person who I'd met six pages earlier, ia script. And I thought that... and it was huge for me, and I thought, okay, that's that thing that people are talking about sometimes, when they come tome and they say, you, you did this. So right now, I'm in this weird, wonderful place where I think a lot of people in Good Omens Season 2 thought they were signing up for the P.G. Woodhouse, and didn't know that, no, no, no, you've, you've signed up for the whole thing. You've signed up for the feelings. You've signed up for the emotions. I... it is my job to make you care and to make you feel and to feel things you haven't felt before. And which meant that the first week or so after Good Omens came out, I was getting angry, furious, deeply upset messages on every possible social medium telling me that I had betrayed people, and it was awful, and they couldn't stop crying, and why would I do that to them, and did I hate them? And they hated me. And then a weird sort of phenomenon happened as people would watch the show again. And again. And now they started to know, okay, this is where it's gonna go, this is what's gonna happen, this is how it works. And they started realizing that they were actually feeling things, and that was good. And that they were caring about two people who don't exist. You know, I made them up, and then and Terry Pratchett made them up, and then, um, David Tennant and Michael Sheen gave them life, and then they get to walk around on a screen and you know they don't exist, but you can cry for them, you can love them, they can make you laugh, they can make you exult, and most important of all, they can make you care. And the number of people who are now writing to me, saying, 'This was so important to me. This has changed my life. This makes me feel like I belong. This makes me feel like I can cope. And it's let me sort of find myself. P. S. I hope you get to do Season Three.' is, is huge.

[cosmicstarlatte]

Taking His Virginity (Obey Me!)

━━━━━━━━━━ ✦ ━━━━━━━━━━

You take his virginity. How does he react?

minors/ageless/blank blogs dni or get blocked :c

»Characters: Lucifer, Mammon, Levi, Beel, Dia

»Tags: ⚠️ 🔞 NSFW (18+), GN Reader/MC, Clingy-ness, Fluffy and smutty, Mentions of blood, biting, scratching, Rough, Manhandling(?)

»Notes: I will leave this here though, cya guys whenever! Super excited for Nightbringer tomorrow!

Lucifer:

"It's the last part left of my...angelic...side."

The thought of him getting that intimate with someone was...unnerving. That was the last part of him he had left that was in his control. He never cared if someone had found out about it, but due to how private he was, it never came up. And rumors always seemed to think otherwise. Over the years, he had entertained the thought of just getting it over with, but ultimately decided to just wait until he felt comfortable enough with someone. Someone worthy.

~~~

Lucifer underestimated the act of sex. He could not get through foreplay in his human form, he shifted into demon form and you let him know it was okay. He tried to stay quiet but groans/grunts escaped his lips. He was eager, his wings wouldn't stop flapping, which made for an interesting time but you both had fun. One night was just not enough, he could not get enough of you! He asked for the next day off (on short notice!? first time for everything!!) and kept fucking you until he was satisfied. Believe it or not, Lucifer was clingy/possessive the next few days. The intimacy got to him. ♡

Mammon:

"Look I was just nervous...I never felt comfortable with anyone gettin' that close to me, y'know? Maybe it's celestial brain or somethin'. "

He knows he doesn't seem the type after so long in the Devildom, but it's true. Yes he's lied about it. Yes it's draining fighting off interested demons/monsters...and it's scary and annoying. He was gonna do it whenever he felt like it. Whenever he was ready.

~~~

Oh he was in love, in bliss. He was vocal. Mammon was letting you know exactly how much he was enjoying it. His nails did accidentally dig deep into you and you bled a little, but you assured him it was okay, it was an accident. He came quickly at first and was embarrassed but you were patient and assured him it was normal. He definitely cried after everything and you soothed him. The night was filled with a lot of cuddles and kisses. He was fragile and clingy the next few days. You made sure to give him all the hugs and kisses he wanted. "Thank you for being my first." ♡

Levi:

"Are you even surprised? Who would want me?"

Of course he's wanted to do it. He might've considered hiring a succubus. But it's so scary and annoying getting to know people. And seriously he's so disgusting who would even...?

He hoped if it did happen one day, it'd be with someone special. He hoped they would accept all of him and his love. All of it.

~~~

Levi was fucking loud. The otaku could not stop moaning. He could not stop his desperate high pitched whining. It was hot. The way his hips eagerly thrust to meet you was too damn cute. "Oh? Letting your brothers know exactly what's going on? They must be so jealous." He came very easily after that. His tail would not stop swishing around. You made sure to continue riding the fuck out of him as he came, he screamed and was a (not so) pure mess. The overstimulation was too much for him but he loved it anyway. He was very addicted to you for the next few days.♡ Everyone in HOL was over it though.

Beel:

"I don't know, it just never happened?"

He's had urges but normally took care of them by himself. He just never really connected with anyone enough to do it. He was a simple man, jerk it and go on with the day. When he found you though, he definitely noticed the urges get much stronger. His hand was not enough anymore.

~~~

He was...rough. He didn't mean to! But his primal side really came out. You just looked so good, so inviting. As soon as he buried himself in you he had. To. Ruin. You. He definitely groaned a lot and might've drooled a little. Its just the way his sensitive cock dragged against your walls for the first time was too delicious. He apologized for the bites, he made sure to give them extra soft kisses. Clean up took a while...he came a lot.

"Can we do it again? ♡"

Diavolo:

"Mm...I don't have a lot of people I trust. But you?...I do."

It was already hard making real friends, let alone a romantic partner. Trust and honesty were at the top of his list. He had to make sure his first time was with someone he could trust, who treated him like any other person. This demon only ever wanted real love.

~~~

Diavolo was actually super shy and nervous. To be fair, it was his first time, and with a human at that. Undressing him was…really cute. You were delicate with the giant demon. That only really lasted a few minutes though. Once things got really hot and heavy and he finally dipped his cock into you, he took over. He was vocal and let you know how good you felt around him. The prince tossed you around effortlessly and pounded the fuck out of you for two days...and it was all love. Barbatos was not happy about canceling meetings and moving stuff around. Diavolo was clingy for a few days and you showered him with extra love.

"Thank you for seeing me for me."

⬦You might also like: Thong︱Submissive & Breedable︱Virgin Handjob (Dia)

[levitiquee]

"Coffee? This shit's expensive."

You reached for the packet that was sitting on top of the desk, surprised. Coffee was for rich nobles, not for soldiers with meager pay. Levi swatted at your hand.

"Don't touch my shit."

"What?" You took back your hand, pouting at him. "I was just saying."

Levi shot a glare at you, irritated. "Why don't you just shut up and go back to your work? My possessions are none of your business."

You groaned, eyes flicking to the empty papers in front of you that you were supposed to write reports on. "But I've been working for hours. My fingers hurts. Let me take a break."

"Stop being dramatic.

"I'm not being dramatic. You're being dramatic." You mumbled, again reaching for the package. He didn't try to stop you this time. He only glanced, eyebrows furrowing in annoyance, then going back to working. You were stubborn as fuck and he had learnt long ago telling you not to do something only inspired you to do the opposite, specially when you realized it pissed him off.

"Where the heck did you even get this?" You flip the packet, eyes widening at the price. It wasn't just expensive, it was super expensive. Levi sighed.

"Must you be so nosy all the damn time?"

"Yes." You nod, eager to know. You weren't going to let it go until you got answers. You were stubborn that way. And his unwillingness only made you all the more interested.

Or maybe you just loved pissing him off. It was amusing in a way.

Your crude captain barely ever showed emotions, so you'll take what you get. Even if the only emotions he has the capacity to display is annoyance and frustration.

Getting him riled up was perhaps, the highlight of your day. Only source of entertainment ment in the four walls of this boring facility.

What made it all better was, he'd grumble, he'd complain, he'd spew curses under his breath, but he'd still let you stick around. And he'd rather die than admit it, but it made you think that perhaps, he didn't find you as 'unpleasant' as he says he does after all.

"I didn't get it." He responded irritatedly, eyes on the papers.

"Huh?" You tilted your head, not satisfied. "What do you mean? What, this packet just grew legs and started walking and came all the way up over here? Plus, I didn't think you even like coffee. I only ever saw you drink tea–"

"You talk too much."

"Okay but," You ignored his little snide remark. "No, but this is premium quality and you haven't even opened it yet. Why'd you get it of you won't have it?"

"I didn't get it." He repeated. "And I don't like coffee."

"Thought so." You nodded. That's also another reason you were surprised to see the packet. He loathed coffee, you knew. Even though the cheap shit served in the cafeteria was truly repulsive, you would chug it down without hesitation. And the face Levi made every damn time was worth it all. That's how you learnt the bitter captain surprisingly hated the bitter drink.

"So if you're not gonna have it, can I have some? Because I'm falling asleep."

"No. I can't stand the smell of it."

"Of course you don't." You scoffed. "You drink your tea just fine though. In my opinion, that tastes more horrible."

"I didn't bring you here to comment about my drink preferences."

"Volunteering. Because you have shit preferences and someone needs to let you know–"

"Do you ever shut up?"

"No." You grinned. "Where'd you get it captain?"

"If I tell you, will you shut up?" He looked up, exasperated.

You pretended to consider. "Perhaps."

He glared at you.

"Okay I might." You nodded. "No promises, but I might. Go on, tell me."

He stared at you skeptically, weighing his options of either answering your questions so that you'd let it go or smack you in the face with the heavy file. He was seriously considering the latter at this point.

Then he sighed.

"I just know this is gonna make this worse." He muttered. "If you must know, it was a gift."

"A gift?!" Your jaw dropped.

"Captain! Who gifted you something so expensive? Don't tell me you have a secret lo-"

"Get your mind out of the gutter." He snapped, cutting you off before you could say it.

"Okay." You raised your hand in mock surrender. "Okay. No secret lovers got it. Who was it then?"

He pinched his nose bridge closing his eyes. Bracing himself for the shit you were going to give him after what he's going to say next.

"Some random Garrison Regiment Squad leader I think. Captain sova or shiva or something of that sort. Carried some heavy loads for her and then she got all soppy and grateful and wanted to express her thanks, despite my insistence that I despised coffee." He explained, ignoring the change on your expression with every word. Dear walls, he can practically hear the screws turning in your head.

"...no way." You gaped at him.

"How expensive is this shit anyway?" He reached for the packet, curiosity poking him at the genuine disbelief in your face.

"50$?" His eyes widened, brows raising. He had no idea gratitude for helping out was worth that much.

"You're just noticing it now?!" You were absolutely appalled.

"I told you I have no interest towards coffee." He said defensively.

"But– how could you not?"

"Because it's insignificant?"

"It's–" You weren't sure whether you should laugh or cry. "Have you heard of the term, 'curiosity'?"

"I simply don't care. I have way too much in my plate to sit around and observe the price of a coffee package. Have I mentioned that I loathe coffee?"

"Jeez, it was a gift. You could at least pretend to care."

He only raised an eyebrow.

"I mean..you might not have a lot of interest in coffee," You said. "But she sure sounds as if she had much interest in you."

"She? The captain?" Levi furrowed his brows, clueless.

"Yes?!" You were even more confused to see his confused expression. "Who else would I talk about?"

He shook his head. "You're misunderstanding. She was just grateful."

"Grateful because you helped her heave heavy things? So she pays you back with 50$?"

Levi pressed his lips together, considering your words. Now that he thinks about it... no it's just you making the situation more than it is.

" .... How am I to know what she was thinking?" He said finally.

You rolled your eyes. "Well.." You asked after a while. "Did she try to express her gratitude in..any other way?"

"You're not gonna drop this, are you?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Of course you won't, you nosy little shit." He sighed. "She sent me a letter last monday."

You almost fell out of your chair. "You're telling me this now?!" You demanded. "What did she say?" Half of your body was practically on the desk, you were so leaning forward so much in excitement

"You're hopeless." He shook his head at the gleam in your eyes. "Not everything is drama. She only thanked me and asked if she could treat me to dinner some night."

It was how he said that with a straight face that got you. The lack of interest, the blank expressions, it all added up.

You sat back down in silence as you realized that he wasn't really trying to deny anything because he was flustered.

He simply had no fucking idea.

"Captain. Just..how dense are you?" You asked softly, almost in awe. How a man like him could be so clueless you had no idea.

"Watch your mouth, brat."

"No offence meant." You said casually, setting his irritated words aside, too invested to give a fuck. "But did you say yes?"

"To what?"

"The dinner proposal? What else?"

"Of course not." He looked surprised you even considered the idea. "Do you have any idea how busy I am? And it's annoying. She's acting as if I saved her life and now she owes me a life debt."

You internally sent words of sympathy to the unfortunate woman. Girlie couldn't have picked a worse person to flirt with.

"Oh poor her."

"What poor her?"

"Captain. Do you seriously...not realize that she..asked you out..?"

He stared at you for a few seconds, ears growing red. "Bullshit." He muttered.

It took every bit of your effort to hold back the laugher bubbling in you. It was already difficult enough to keep a straight face. He looked so embarrassed it was hilarious.

You wondered how many girls had ever flirted with him like this and he had no fucking idea, probably shook it off thinking they were just being nice. How many hearts has he broken without even realizing it?

"Well, was she pretty at least?"

He shot an incredulous look. "I can't even remember her name, and you think I memorized her face?"

"Huh. Fair enough."

A giggle escaped you despite your hard efforts to hide your amusement. That seemed to have embarrassed him more.

"Don't laugh. There's nothing funny here."

"Oh if only you knew exactly how hilarious it is." You grinned. "I'm like two seconds away from losing it."

"I will hit you if you don't stop laughing."

You pursed your lips, the corner of your mouths still quirking up.

"Captain."

"No." He cut you off. He was tired. He was embarrassed. He was flustered. He had zero desire left to talk with you and he was fully aware nothing that ever comes out of your mouth is pleasant.

But of course you ignored him.

"Have you ever even been on a date?"

He groaned, cursing internally. This is the last thing he wanted to talk about today.

"You have no sense of privacy." He hissed.

"No. I'm serious. Because that seems highly unlikely." You continued, yet again paying no mind to his pissed remarks.

"I'm too busy."

"Nah." You shook your head. "You're too clueless. You wouldn't be able to tell if someone likes you even if they held up a sign with huge red block letters spelling out the words 'I love you!'"

"Stop."

Yeah, you weren't sure how much longer you could hold that laugh back.

"You've never been on a date in this... I don't know, how old even are you– like twenty something years of your life?"

"I'm thirty. And no."

"Holy fuck, you're old." You exclaimed, caught off guard by the information. You knew he was older than you, just didn't think he was in thirties already. He looks so...young.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"It's not that old. I'm hardly a couple years older than you."

"Still old." You shrugged. "But damn, you're life's as dry as sandpaper."

"You do realize my life revolves around fighting titans? So excuse me if I didn't give romance a chance because I was too busy trying not to die." He mumbled.

You spluttered a cough trying to hide the sound of the laughter choking you. He had looked away when he said the words, but the tips of his ears were so, so red.

Never in your life have you seen him this flustered.

"Can you shut up now and let me work?"

"Aren't you charming?" You raised an eyebrow.

Then you paused.

"Say, captain, let me help you." You suddenly said. You couldn't resist the urge to fuck with him a little more. You'd be damned if you didn't.

"With... what?"

You grinned. "Dating. I could be your official love life assistant."

The reaction was exactly as you thought it'd be. His face was absolutely flushed.

"Fuck off."

"Now, that's just mean." You pretended to be offended. "Tip 1: you don't speak to ladies like that."

He stood up without saying a word, walking around the table and stopping besides you. Then with two fingers, he flicked your forehead. Hard.

"Ouch." You cursed under your breath, rubbing your temple and turning to look at him as he walked towards the door. "What was that for?"

"Youre insufferable." He said as he twisted open the door.

"Why thank you." You mumbled as he slammed the door shut behind him. "You're extremely lovable as well, beloved captain."

Levi leaned against the door, the corners of his mouth twitching up the slightest as he heard your laugher through the door.

Oh, but here's the the thing Levi hadn't told you.

That maybe, maybe, the reason he never even considered the approaches of the admirers, or even sometimes realize their intention wasn't because he was clueless. Maybe it's because he barely ever processes the words or the actions, think about it for a second for the situations to make sense.

That maybe, he had no intention to let anyone new in his life because he already had you. What more could he possibly want?

How could he? Not when you existed in his life, with your stupid face and your stupid voice and your stupid, stupid, stupid laugh.

Maybe, just maybe.

He doesn't notice faces much because yours never leave his mind.

@sad-darksoul

[domreaderheadcannonscenarios]

Oh no that's fine! But I'll just send in another request while I got the nerve: Foras edgeplay/overstim, maybe some horn rubbing at the same time? Hopefully that's not too much!

Fggg Yess so many thoughts going through my head

Now to COMMIT to one…

Foras

Cw: ed\\ge play, overstim, horn play, use of invisibility abilities,

-

You were bored, and Foras noticed and asked if you wanted him to help entertain you. Honestly he should have known what to expect, you’re a Devilish Human after all.

But it is still satisfying to have Foras trembling while you stroke his cock. To his embarrassment he’d been so willing to strip off everything, he didn’t notice you kept all of your clothes on until you were pressed against him.

He trembles with every few strokes. You’re certain he hasn’t realized you can tell he’s rolling his hips forwards with every downwards stroke. You can tell he’s enjoining it, but you can’t be having him finish too soon!

As you feel him inching closer to his release you stopped.

Foras whimpered and tried to wiggle to rub against you. You stop him and hold him by the hips, looking up to him with a grin. “W-why…did you stop?” Foras whined out. He looked between you and your hands, getting a little flustered. “I-I’m so close…I’ll do it if you let me.”

You shake your head with a smile. “No, I need you to hold off until I say you can cum, okay?” Foras whines but nods and lets you resume stroking him. “Tell me if you’re close.” You order, leaning down to give him a kiss. He excitedly reciprocates and tries to nudge your other hand into his.

You let him and he quickly holds your hand, gently squeezing it.

“I’m close.” He whimpers out and before he can say anything else you stop. He closes his eyes for a moment, squeezing your hand a little tighter. After a few moments he hooks his eyes, looking up to you. His face turned red, he locks eyes with you and realizes you were watching him closely. You can see the neediness, his desperation for your touch, he looked so cute! His expression changed to one of embarrassment before he vanished from your vision.

But his pulsing cock is still nestled in your hand.

You resume stroking him, smiling at the gasp he lets out in surprise. “It’s ok,” You try to ease his nerves. “If this is more comfortable for you go ahead.” You hear a whine in response and he gently rubs his thumb over your knuckles.

“I-I…I’m…” He cried out and you feel him buck into your hand. “I’m gonna-!” You stop realizing what is wrong. He groans under you, even if you cant see him, you watch where your touching him, to his invisible manhood.

He sobs in frustration, he’s suddenly back in your sight again. “Oh, you’re back!” You playfully tease. “I missed you!” You kiss him again before he can respond. To your amusement he is flushed and looking at you with dialed eyes.

He knows this added affection is to get a reaction out of him, but he enjoys your love, Foras moaned happily as you kiss him. “I-I’d rather you look to my f-face then my…” He glanced to his cock. You nodded, leaning against him as you resume stroking.

Foras gasp and bucks into your hand, to your amusement his dick jumped in your grip, befir you could react he’s pushed over the edge. You let him, deciding it would be unnecessarily cruel to ruin it after teasing him.

“T-thank you.” He gasp out pathetically. You keep stroking him, letting good his hand to stroke his head, then subtly switching to rub his horns. Foras yelped and looked to you in surprise, he suddenly went invisible again. “Too much!”

You felt him writhing under you but don’t stop, your dominant hand stroking his cock while the non doming one rubs one of his horns. It leaks heavily on your hand, making it easier to glide your hand up and down the horn, to your amusement you could see the pre leaking from the horns, you wonder if he even noticed it.

His legs close around you and your squeezed gently. “P-please, Slowly!” You can hear the desperation in his voice even if you couldn’t see him you could imagine him trembling under you. You twist your hand around his horn and earn a whine.

“Shhh,” You hush him as your hand pumps him faster. You feel him hitting his climax again and his cum is visible as it spills on his stomach. “There, just like that.” You coo and he starts relaxing and though you can feel him bucking up he stops complaining.

[roguehongsami]

Rocket Queen.

pairing/s: producer!hongjoong x fem!reader

genre/s: smut, au

synopsis: hongjoong asks you to be an anonymous feature on a song he's working on. but singing isn't what he needs you to do.

content: established relationship, audio recording, oral sex, unprotected sex (condomize), voyeurism, exhibitionism.

word count: 1k

* DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FICTIONAL. IT IS NOT A REPRESENTATION OF KIM HONGJOONG'S CHARACTER, PERSONALITY OR BEHAVIOUR. THIS IS SOLELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES. *

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ guns n' roses // rocket queen

"The song still feels empty." Hongjoong groaned out of frustration.

"Come on, Hong. Y/N's an S-tier rapper and an even better freestyler, let's just feature her." Mingi chimed.

As prideful as Hongjoong may have been, he knew he needed the help. He and Mingi had been stuck at this collaboration track for weeks, and they desperately needed a release before the Grammy submission season ended. Reluctantly, he obliged as he called his girlfriend from the living room. She came in and immediately, Mingi played a section of the song that needed a filler.

She entered the booth and sat on the stool, bringing the microphone down to her height. As she twisted a knob in the back, her acrylic nail got caught, sending a sharp pain to her finger. She whined into the microphone, her cry resonating in Mingi and Hongjoong's headphones. Mingi brushed it off as he prepped for recording. Something clicked in Hongjoong's head.

An idea came to.

"I'm ready." Y/N gave a thumbs-up.

"Wait." Hongjoong spoke into the intercom.

He and Mingi exchanged words amongst themselves, Y/N bored out of her mind as she remained planted in her seat. As she nursed her aching finger, Hongjoong entered the booth and locked the door behind him. She took off the headphones as he approached.

"So, I've got a better idea." he cupped her face. "We don't think you should freestyle."

"Why not?" she huffed.

"A stacked verse isn't enough." he pecked her forehead. "We need a focal point that's gonna get people talking, something controversial?"

"Controversial how?"

He begun rubbing and squeezing her thighs as his hands travelled upwards her dress. Confusion spread across her face as she watched his hands. Suddenly, she caught on. Eyes flickering between Hongjoong and Mingi.

"Ewww..." she stretched out to emphasise her disgust.

"It'll be an anonymous feature baby, nobody's gonna know." he cooed. "And let's be honest, you know you sound good."

Heat arose in her cheeks. With her ego boosted, it didn't take much convincing. She chose to trust his judgement as his conviction is never wrong.

Hongjoong grinned. "Let loose into the mic, okay? And give Mingi a good show."

After a few deep breaths, she put the headphones back on. Backing track filling the space between her ears, she felt herself ease up. Inhibitions falling away as Hongjoong went down on his knees. Trailing kisses inside her thighs and removing her underwear. Arousal slowly leaking out, his lips met her clit. A breathy moan escaped. His tongue laved her up, from clit to folds and back, with his finger going in and out of her at a steady pace. Her cries grew stronger as he added more fingers and pumped faster. His tongue flicking her clit, she clamped around his fingers. Soon she came, much of her nectar spilling into his palm.

He stood up and looked at Mingi through the glass, who was visibly satisfied with what he had witnessed. A grin stretched across his lips.

"Sorry, I forgot to hit 'Record'." Mingi's voice carried through the intercom. "You sound so fucking hot though."

"Count your days, Song!" she growled into the microphone, causing Mingi to chuckle.

"Let's try again." Hongjoong spoke into the microphone, Mingi obliged. "I swear I'll make it up to you, okay?"

She nodded.

"I want you to stand with your legs apart. Hands on the stool." Hongjoong spoke softly as he rubbed her cheek.

She did as she was told, legs open to a 'A' and fingers gripping the stool. Back arched a bit for easy angling. Her face inches away from the microphone. Mingi gave a thumbs-up signal and the backing track played again. Hongjoong pulled down his sweatpants, his cock throbbing and a bead of precum sitting on the tip. He eased into her, stretching her out with every inch he fed her. Her voice carried in the room.

His hands gripped her waist as he slowly pounded into her. As he picked up speed, her cries grew voluminous. Hands gripped the stool so tight, knuckles started turning white. Occasionally catching Mingi's gaze, he was more than entertained. Being watched did something to her. Locking eyes for a few moments, Mingi winked back at her. Hongjoong's arm snaked around her waist, hand grabbing the hem of her strapless top. He pulled it down only to reveal her breasts. She whimpered loudly into the microphone, growing more aroused with the act. As her walls clamped around Hongjoong, his thrusts became erratic. Both came in unison, Y/N unleashing her last breathless whimper into the microphone.

Mingi gave them a thumbs-up, signaling that the recording was finished. As Hongjoong pulled up his pants, Y/N covered her breasts and put on her underwear. They left the booth, with Y/N leaving the studio to go to the bathroom and freshen up. Mingi and Hongjoong continued working on the track.

[ . . . ]

After a month of mixing and mastering, the single was finally ready for public consumption. Face buried in her pillows, body sprawled across the bed with the comforter only concealing half her body, she was deep in slumber. Hongjoong softly called to her but she was just dead. He nudged her lightly as he whispered in her ear.

"Y/N, baby wake up."

She groaned as she struggled to turn her body over. "No..." she whined. "My dream was so good."

"I hope it was about me."

"Then it'd be bad." she rubbed the remaining sleeping out of her eyes, only to see an unamused boyfriend staring at her. "Jokes, I'm kidding." she pecked his lips. "Now, what was more important than my sleep?"

He brought his phone over her eyes with the screen opened to Twitter. Threads upon threads of fans raving about Mingi and Hongjoong's new single, the main discussion being the anonymous lady moaning mid-track. A few deeming it inappropriate with most expressing their shock, even drawing comparisons to an equally disturbing 80s song of the same making.

"Everyone's talking about the song, thanks to you." he smiled boyishly.

[ronearoundblindly]

Zones and Photography for Fools Rush In! Steve. Preferably pre-nomad 😆

I read every update of yours as soon as I get the notification. Keep up the good work. You are amazing <333333

From this dirty ask game but okay, wait, I hope I'm understanding this correctly.

Fools Rush In!Steve is post-canon--he's a version of Steve that came back after replacing the Stones from Endgame,--so technically, he already went through his actual Nomad years. I'm gonna have to assume you me pre-Dignity of His Choice (since that's when he kinda looks like Nomad or Ari Levinson whoops again) which is fine because after all of Dignity's angst, I'm sure people are afraid of where that leaves us--terrible of me to leave y'all hanging so long, sorry. OH CRAP! Welp. This is gonna have some spoilers sorta kinda for the honeymoon fic in the works...Yes, Ro, but when will we ever get that f***ing thing???

So. Right. Here we go! Sorry, but MINORS DNI for these still.

woahhhhh omg he glows so pretty 🫠🤤

Z - Zones

Oh boy, oh boy!

Is it hot in here??? Just me? Sure. That checks out.

Steve has diminished sensitivity after the serum. It makes him stronger to feel less pain, but it's slightly more difficult in nearly ever other aspect of life. He feeds his tactile experience with the acuity of his enhanced senses. Ever heard the expression 'eating with your eyes?' Like that.

The sight of you, the smell of you, what you sound like, how you taste, these are all things he can absorb to fill in the gaps of his touch.

Now, the caveat? He's not a fucking idiot. He can tell if you are kissing, biting, scratching, or gripping him. He knows these are things you do for your enjoyment as well, so that fuels his entertainment during sex. After a whole lot of wallowing over how disconnected he felt without sensitivity, he understands this actually brings you two closer together because pleasure and intimacy is truly a shared experience.

Uh. Also. His neck. No judgment but he can hear and smell you very well if you pay attention to his neck. That's pretty great. He likes that.

P - Photography

Honestly, I just want to burst out laughing even imagining Steve taking a dick pic much less sending it 🤣 If he did do something like that, it would be an accident, and that boi would rush into some lab and insist there was a super secret mission to completely delete the contents of your phone before you opened it. I feel like he'd be lucky if he didn't just smash the phone itself out of panic. Seriously, I'M IN TEARS. Just no, hard no on the sending nudes.

I also think he'd be super worried about privacy if you sent them. The idea is sound, and it's not like he wouldn't enjoy them. Steve doesn't trust technology that much though, so not digital. Analog. Old school is the way to go. Which bring us to this cheeky bastard on his honeymoon with Keeps.

Enjoy this excerpt I've sat on for a year!

“What’s that?” “Your wedding present,” Steve beams. He fakes a frown at your following ‘we weren’t doing presents’ look. “Not big ones. They’re just for fun.” He picks up another Canon film camera, a hefty black and silver thing from his hard-sided suitcase, and hands it to you. “Thought they’d be nice for the trip.” You weigh it in your hands and eye the Polaroid then switch with Steve. “That’s more of an artsy-fartsy Sketch thing,” you say, stepping around him with your new toy, rushing to grab toasty sweatpants from your own bag. As you bend over to pull out the garment though, you hear a mechanical click and whip around. Steve still faces away from you, but his head is slightly turned and he softly whistles, so of course, you lift your camera and snap a picture of his ass, too. He wrinkles his nose, looking over his shoulder with an unhidden smile. You shake out the photo card provocatively while he suits up for the fireside in a sweater and jeans. He glances at the developed shot and, seeming satisfied, plants one more kiss on your forehead. He hums as he holds up his picture of you entering the tent, thumb tracing the line of your hip exposed like it was on the glossy magazine pages after your bear debacle. “Yes, out there distracting all the wild animals,” you joke. “It’s working,” he mutters. “Hungry, Misses Rogers?”

Also, lest we forget, Steve has an incredible memory. He does not need footage to remember exactly what it looks like when his cock is slowly dragging in and out of you, or how your ass jiggles as he ::cough:: enthusiastically fucks makes love to you ::cough::

Thank you for asking!

[Main Masterlist; Dirty Asks Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

SKETCH, MY BELOVED...

[pardi-real]

Butler's Halloween / Chapter 3 - Horror Night

Prev | All | Next

~ The next day ~

Muu: "Oh! My lord, the butlers are gathering in the yard.  The ones over there—it's Lato, Flure, Ammon, and Lamli, isn't it?  What are they talking about?"

Lamli: "A costume party in the yard... Fufu, it's going to be fun ♪ We'll call it… "Devil's Palace Horror Night"! "

Lato: "Kufufu. That's a good name.  Let's make everyone who visits the mansion as thrilled as possible."

Flure: "Horror night is fine... But don't scare them for real, okay? The purpose of this party is to entertain the visitors."

Ammon: "Right on. Let's make it a fun and cheerful Horror Night!"

Lato: "I agree. This year, the lord will be there... Let's make it a fun and memorable party. Well.... We were asked to be the dancers.  Our role is to make the costume party more exciting with dance performance, and since I am the oldest among the four of us,  I would like to take the lead this time."

Ammon: "What… Mr. Lato will?

Lamli: "Uhh... that's…"

Lato: "Oh? What's the matter?  I thought that in a situation like this, the elders would take over as leader... Oh, perhaps… Do you want to be the leader?"

Lamli: "N-no, no! Not at all!" (Phew… I don't want to play the leader or any other bothersome role, but…)

Ammon: (If you say "Lato is gonna be the leader"... I can't help but worry...)

Flure: "Well, if Lato wants to take the responsibilities, that's fine by me. So... What exactly is the dance we'll perform?"

Ammon: "Right... Any ideas, leader?"

Lato: "Kufufu. Of course, I have an idea. 

Halloween is a festival for "evil spirits" who come with the spirits of our ancestors. That's why I've been thinking…

How about I have a real evil spirit possessing me?"

Flure: "Huh...? Lato will be possessed by an evil spirit...?"

Lato: "Yes… Naturally, we only act possessed.

But of course, the audience doesn't know that.  They'd definitely be surprised. And maybe it would be a good idea if I suddenly act to attack Flure.

Once the audience is in a state of panic, reveal the details.  Everyone is relieved and they all live happily ever after​.

What do you think?  I'm sure it will be a lot of fun."

Everyone: "..........."

Lato: "Oh? What's the matter? Everyone is silent.  Did I perhaps… fail to explain it well?

Flure: "I got the explanation! I got it and that made me speechless."

Lamli: "Y-yes that's right... Lato-chi's idea is going too far."

Ammon: "It might be fun, but... It might be traumatizing for the children."

Lato: "I see… so this is going too far. Hmm. I thought it would definitely thrill the audience, though."

Ammon: "W-well, I don't think it's a bad idea to get the audience's heart to pound, as long as it excites them and keeps them on the edge of their seats.

Lamli: "Oh~! Mr. Rose, you seem to have some ideas."

Ammon: "Hehe, well... I got an idea.

First, dance on stage and make eye contact with each and every person in the audience. 

Then, when the excitement of the audience reaches its peak, We go down to the audience and give each and every one of them a rose.

While handing them the rose, whisper in their ear, "I've been watching you." 

...something like that~ ♪"

Everyone: "..........."

Lato: "Oh? Is that all?"

Ammon: "That's all! Just like that and the audience should be head over heels for us ♪"

Lato: "Hmm… is that how it works? Just by saying "I'm always watching you" in their ears?"

Lamli: "But you know... I don't want to say that to a stranger. Unless it's the lord. I'm only looking at the lord."

Flure: "Y-yup, me too…"

Ammon: "Well… I don't like saying that to anyone but the lord too, but… It's also a "job" to satisfy customers and make money.  It's important to be able to separate the two and act the part."

Flure: "Sure, I understand your intention. But... but still, it's not a good idea. Seducing anyone is going to ruin our reputation…"

Ammon: "Don't say that~.  You're shy, Flure, you're just too embarrassed to do it, ain'tcha?"

Flure: "I-I'm not! Anyway, let's come up with another idea…"

Lamli: "Yes, yes! I've got a great idea ♪"

Lato: "Oh, Lamli. What kind of idea is it?

Ammon: "I think I can guess it…"

Lamli: "Fufu… Well… I think we should entertain the guests with our lord's charm ♪"

Ammon: "I called it…"

Lato: "Lamli, you are always bringing up the lord whenever you can, aren't you."

Flure: "By the way... How exactly do you intend to show the lord's charm?"

Lamli: "Right~.

Let's say, we set up a coffin in the middle of the stage.

The most exciting moment is when we are dancing a horror-like dance.... the lid of the coffin will open with a "Bang!!" and the lord appear from inside ♪

The Lord's charms will surely open everyone's eyes ♪"

Everyone: "..........."

Lato: "I like it."

Ammon: "True that... I kinda wanna see it."

Flure: "No, no! That's just not right!"

Lamli: "What~ why not? Don't you want to see the Lord shining on stage?"

Flure: "Well... I'd like to see that.

B-but we can't! I don't want the lord to appear on stage!

It's not good. If you decide to do such a thing without the lord's permission, they might get embarrassed while people are looking on stage…"

Ammon: "Hehe. It's fun to see the lord gets embarrassed, though ♪"

Flure: "It's even worse.

Seriously now… am I the only sane adult here? I guess there's no other way. I'll think of what to do on stage. No surprises.

I'll come up with new choreography and we'll practice it together. It will be based on ballet.

But... Is that OK with you guys?"

Lato: "Hmm… I understand.  If that's what you come up with, Flure, I will follow it."

Ammon: "Me too! You're the leader now, Flure."

Lamli: "Yep, yep ♪ Mr. Ribbon is so reliable at times like these ♪"

Flure: "Hmm... I feel like they skillfully talked me into this... Oh well. I'll do my best anyway."

Muu: "It looks like the conversation went well.  In the end, Mr. Flure seems to have taken the lead.  But... What kind of dance is it going to be? I'm curious!"

> "Yes, me too."

Prev | All | Next

[yourlocalbimexican]

I Expect You To Die 2 thoughts

context: I bought a Meta Quest 2 at Best Buy two weeks ago and I finally came in yesterday. One of the games I knew I wanted to play was the I Expect You To Die trilogy (I’m a huge sucker for escape rooms, puzzles, and spy movies) I finished the second game recently so here are my thoughts!

SPOILERS FOR IEYTD 2

This game is sooo gooood. Like, WOW I wasn’t expecting this. IMO the first one was pretty okay, nothing extraordinary but entertaining and it taught me what to expect in future titles. Going into the sequel was a whole different experience however.

The opening credits had me hooked from the get go. The va for John Juniper did a wonderful job. John made the game for me. Honestly. The soundtrack was phenomenal as well, which only helped the game. Anyways let’s get into the missions one by one.

(also I will be giving an overall score for each mission, with 10/10 meaning the mission’s puzzles felt complete and compelling, the mission fit what it was supposed to do, and my PERSONAL enjoyment of it. If you disagree, then tell me the comments as to why. I would love to hear your thoughts!)

-Stage Fright-

a simplistic but entertaining mission. Not the best out of the sequel but better than the first mission in the first game. The switch you need to do with the two cans was pretty smart and made good work of the pov depth that VR provides. It did take me a couple of tries when it came to the crossbow shooting but (mostly because I didn’t realize you could pick up the Zoraxis’ agents bolts)Overall: 6/10

-Jet Set-

okay, I’m gonna be honest here. Jet Set is the worst in the sequel. Now that doesn’t mean it’s a bad mission, but it’s the worst puzzle mission out of all the others in the sequel. Most of the puzzles in the mission didn’t feel connected at all. That is what bums me the most. It felt like this mission was a lot of cool ideas combined into a plane mission. The puzzles were fun, but they didn’t make sense when put into a mission. The next mission will better demonstrate what I mean. Overall: 5/10

-Eaves Drop-

This. Mission. Rocks. From the first laser puzzle, to the various desk puzzles. This mission feels so put together compared to Jet Set. It’s begins with you descending into The Fabricator’s workshop, in order to investigate John Juniper, Zoraxis, and any plans the three of them might have. The thing that really makes this mission feel so put together compared to Jet Set is that everything, and I do mean, everything, has a purpose. From the wheels on the board being used to crank open the Mimic Mask, to the manual that describes how to use the bear trap (which comes in handy when the guard shows up near the end). Everything in the puzzle has a purpose towards the mission or lore. I get that not every mission can expand the story of the game (otherwise the games would be over very quickly) but that doesn’t mean that missions have to be completely irrelevant.

Anyways, this part is getting long so I’ll wrap it up. In short, the mission makes full use of its environment to provide multiple fun and engaging puzzles that further the story of the game in a meaningful manner. Overall: 10/10

-Party Crashers-

Come off the trails of Eaves Drop, Party Crashers takes a turn in mission direction. We start off by impersonating Gibson (John’s wine guy) at the wine cellar. Sending John the right wine took more tries than I care to admit. Retrieving the Mimic Mask was clever. Looking into the hat for clues on the Keg puzzle was a nice touch. Eliminating the guards with the gas was neat and the callback to the tutorial mission was just the cherry on top for this mission. Party Crashers was the mission that took me the most time to figure out, but when I finally did figure it out, it was satisfying. Overall: 8/10

-Safe and Sound-

I think this is the shortest mission in the entire sequel. It definitely feels like it is. That isn’t a bad thing per se, but it just makes the mission feel…weird. The speed run timer is 1:30 which is incredibly fast. Considering the mission after this one is so monumental (and the final mission) and the previous mission being the head-scratcher it was, makes Safe and Sound seem small and easy. The most difficult part of the mission was the mirror puzzle even that was fairly easy to solve. I do understand why this mission is this way. It makes the finale seem so much bigger and gives the player a needed brain break from Party Crashers, but maybe Safe and Sound could’ve been a bit more difficult. Just a tiny bit. Overall: 6/10

-Rising Phoenix-

OKAY here we are. At the finale, and I gotta say. It doesn’t disappoint. Compared to the Death Machine mission from the first game, Rising Phoenix makes its goals simple and clear. The math to get there? Not so simple nor clear. My biggest fear for this mission was that it would be too convoluted or not long enough. However, neither fears game to fruition and this mission really shows what the devs can do. My personal favorite puzzles were the battery ones and the final briefcase puzzles.

also, John Juniper’s death was out of left field for me. I didn’t think he would die. I thought we would be able to arrest him or he would fly away on some jet but no. He dies. He died because his ego got in the way of his role and his use quickly left him. A interesting end to a interesting character.

Recently I re-watched Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (highly recommend the Knives Out movies if you love who-dunnits). Anyways, during the beginning of the movie, all the disruptors are mailed a box that has a series of puzzles in it that eventually reveal a card with an invitation to a private get-away on a Greek island. The briefcase puzzle in Rising Phoenix is basically the box from Glass Onion. Multiple different puzzles granting access to one thing. In the movie it’s a invite, in IEYTD 2, it’s the abort button to stop the rocket* from launching. Mind you, the entire briefcase puzzle is on a timer. So when you finally unlock the abort button, what happens? Well in a cruel twist of fate, Doc. Zoe turns off the power and the button no longer works. Worry not however! Remember the battery from early? Well we can use that to provide the briefcase the power and abort the rocket! Sadly the facility will blow either way, but the world will be saved.

this is the type of missions I love. When everything comes together, the reuse of old tools to progress through new puzzles, the clever solutions to sticky situations. This is what makes IEYTD 2 such a good sequel. From the get go there is a pressure to beat Zoraxis and defeat John Juniper and in turn, save the world. The final mission of the first game was lacking the build up, which made it seem very…sudden when it ended. Here? The finale is well expected. We now we are in the third act, and that this mission is do or die. Its just phenomenal. Overall: 10/10

-closing thoughts!-

I do believe that I Expect You To Die 2 is a wonderful sequel and is definitely worth the price. Jet Set (as much as I have said about it) isn’t a horrible level. Its has issues but maybe it’s just not my cup of tea. Eaves Drop’s atmosphere and classic spy elements makes it (IMO) the best level outside of the finale. Party Crashers is a fun, head-scratching follow up, and Rising Phoenix manages to deliver on everything the other missions were building towards. Overall: 9/10. I highly recommend you play it.

[thesafecafe]

Can you write a threesome of San and Yunho in a semi public place?

Midnight Snack

Word count: uhhh?

Smut under the cut, threesome, reader has big tiddies, lots of thirst lmao, pwp mostly, fem reader, 18+, minors dni, semi public sex, slight teasing, pet-names, hickies, sir kink, soft dom!Yunho, soft dom!San, condoms (wrap it before you tap it y’all), oral (f receiving), body worship, fingering, PIV, choking, stomach bulge, hair pulling, slight degredation if you blink, heed the warnings, gif not mine, enjoy! (I am only semi-experienced in smut writing, so excuse it if it’s not good krjfnd). 

Disclaimer: This is not a reflection of the members of Ateez, or their behavior in any way, nor do I believe they would act this way in real life. This is simply fiction written for entertainment purposes. 

It wasn’t your intention to be getting your back blown out in the middle of your shared apartment’s kitchen, but here you were, bent over the table in nothing but a pair of crotch-less underwear and a hoodie. Your roommate was asleep down the hall, tired from studying, and you could only pray she didn’t hear your midnight rendezvous through the walls. This happened due to a failed vibrator, a stressful day, and giving into your friend’s crazy suggestion. 

“Just call the number Y/N! It’s completely safe, they’re from an established medical company, they have regular screenings for employee’s health, and it’s a way to satisfy your needs without hooking up with a total stranger. They specialize in women’s sexual health.”

You’d taken their advice, and now, as you felt a large hand slide up your leg, you were secretly grateful that they had introduced you to it. You now had two gorgeous men in your kitchen, ready to help you out. “Remember our safety system love?” The shorter one, a man with jet black hair, looked at you softly, tilting his head. He was so beautiful, you forgot to answer until a voice from behind you shook you out of your trance. 

“San, we made her repeat it to us about 20 times in the past 15 minutes, I’m sure she knows it. Right sweetheart?” The taller one, Yunho, whispered the last part in your hair, You shivered, nodding at the blonde. “It’s green, yellow, and red.” Yunho nodded approvingly, removing his suit jacket. “Good girl. Now, this will work, just like we talked about it. San’s going to take first watch, while I help you get ready to relax, okay princess?” “Yes sir.” “Alright, let’s begin. Positions everyone!”

Yunho started the session, turning you around to give you a kiss on the lips. It started out chaste enough, but as it progressed, his tongue slowly made it’s way into your mouth. You moaned at the contact, letting him explore your mouth as his hands slid under your hoodie to rest on your hips. His fingers brushed gentle circles across your skin as he kissed you, causing you to warm up in the night air of the kitchen. Breaking away for air, Yunho placed his lips along your neck, leaving small, wet kisses on your throat. 

You moaned when he found that special spot on your neck, and he took note of your reaction. He elicited more moans from you as he payed special attention to that spot, “Can I mark you here sweetheart?” His voice had taken a more serious tone, dropping a few octaves deeper. It sent heat rushing to your core. “Yes sir.” He goes to work, leaving a patchwork of purple and red love bites across your skin. His hands trailed upwards, cupping your breasts. He found them to be larger than they looked, but they still fit perfectly in his hands. He massaged them for a bit, before tugging on your hoodie. “Lift it up a little baby. I wanna see you.”  You did as he said, raising your hoodie just above your chest, allowing them to have a clear view of your breasts. 

San whistled, causing another rush of heat to embrace your skin. “Fuck, you have such nice tits princess. Were you gonna hide these all night?” Yunho asks, hands coming up to squeeze them again. Yunho bent himself until he was level with your breasts, and darted out his tongue to swirl around both of your nipples. You moaned as he kept his attention on your chest. “As much as I would love to keep touching these amazing tits babe, there’s something I’d like to taste a lot more.” His voice vibrated against your chest, as his hand slid lower, reaching between your thighs. His hand brushed past the fabric of your crotch less panties, fingers dipping further into your slit as he moved them back and forth. You could feel your arousal dripping down your thighs, and onto his hand. 

“Please, I need more.” You hadn’t intended to sound so desperate, but you had waited too long to be toyed with. Yunho smiled at your pleading, and dropped down to his knees in front of you. He pulled your panties off with ease, smirking when they landed with an audible plop noise ringing in the kitchen. He put your left leg on his shoulder, and your hands in his hair. “Hang on tight sweetheart.” He leaned in, spreading apart your lips, and licking up from your entrance to your clit. He moved his tongue with controlled precision, dipping it inside of you and collecting your taste on his tongue. You gripped his hair, your pleasure heightened at the feeling of his tongue dragging against your walls. His nose brushed your clit, and you moaned, tugging him closer. Yunho twisted his head so that his nose kept a steady rhythm on your clit for a moment, before moving away.

You felt his tongue move back to your clit, like warm velvet adding pleasure to your senses. You felt yourself about to come undone when he brought two fingers past your lips, and slid them into your entrance. His fingers driving into you, along with his attention to your clit had you releasing for the first time that night. Yunho opened his mouth, catching most of it on his tongue. His mouth glistened with the aftermath of your release. “Good job princess. San, it’s your turn.” Yunho stood to give you one final kiss, his lips fresh with the taste of your arousal. San strolled over, a gentle grin on his face. “Having fun so far love? Are we feeling okay?” He caressed your cheek as you nodded. “I feel amazing, We can keep going.”

San directed you to bend over the table for the next portion of your evening. You heard him rip open plastic, most likely a condom wrapper, before you heard his pants unzip. You looked back and caught yourself nearly drooling as you watched him put the condom over himself. "My eyes are up here, love." You turned red, he wasn't even looking at you and caught you staring. San finished putting on the condom, and walked closer to you, placing his hands on your hips. "Hands the table, and hold on tight, got it?" You nodded, following his instructions. His hand slid between your legs, fingers brushing past your lips before finding your entrance. He slid two fingers down, spreading your lips and lining himself up with you, before gently sliding himself into your waiting heat. You gasped a little, not expecting the sudden stretch. Your walls pulsated against him, taking him in. You felt him stop, allowing you time to adjust for a moment.

"Ready?” You nodded, giving him the go ahead. San started moving, slowly dragging himself along your walls, before drilling into you faster. You cried out at the change of pace. He was reaching deeper than you could with your personal dildo. “You take me so well princess.” San growled in your ear, his thrusts becoming merciless. He shifted, lifting your leg in the air, before continuing to fuck into you deeper. Your eyes closed for a moment, reveling in the pleasure you felt. You felt something poking your cervix though, and when you looked down, you couldn’t help the sounds you made. As San continued to pleasure your body, you could see the imprint of him in your stomach. That alone had you spiraling. San pulled your hair, groaning at the feel of you clenching around him. He could tell you were close, but so was he, and he’d need help getting you off before him.

“Yunho, you think you could help us out here bud?” San panted, looking over at the taller man. Yunho smirked, walking over to the both of you. You felt his long fingers drawing circles on your clit, as he leaned down to whisper in your ear “Be a good girl and cum for us again. You can do that for us, can’t you baby?” You whined, the feeling of San inside you and Yunho’s hands becoming too much to bear. “Such a pathetic little baby, she has to wait until we tell her she’s allowed. Such a weak, pathetic baby.” San’s degrading words had you seeing stars as your second high washed over you. San stilled, spilling his load into the condom, hissing as you tightened around him. 

Yunho towered over the both of you, a smile gracing his lips. “I hope you’re not tired princess. We have a long rest of the night ahead of us.” 

[sweetsweetkpop]

Sorry Mommy

Genre: Smut

Rating: 18+

Aus/Tropes: Non-idolverse, Established Relationship

Pairing: Sub!Sunwoo x Dom! fem! reader

WC: 2k

Sexual Warnings: Anal Fingering, Oral Male Receiving, Toys(Vibrator), Bondage (Handcuffs), Unprotected Sex (Use protection), Implied Cum Eating, Implied Oral Female Receiving, Mommy Kink if you squint

Ao3 Link

Notes: Angel! Sweetheart time zones are a bitch, but you are not forgotten! I miss you and I hope you're doing well for yourself right now. You told me you wanted this wip that was left from Kinktober and I truly hope I delivered it since this is for your special day. I love you and I hope you and my lovely readers enjoy this work! Also, I’m sorry this didn’t come out on your birthday. Writer's block has been kicking my ass and I tried to push out the best for you, so I hope this is okay. But still Happy belated birthday!

Taglist at the bottom! If you would like to be added, please fill out my form that’s right here

Sunwoo knew he was a brat. He enjoyed getting on people’s nerves. It was truly his favorite pastime.

He enjoyed being the annoying little sibling to his friends and getting on their last nerves, but nothing beats doing it with you. Typically doing so when you weren’t paying attention to him or just wanted to entertain himself with your newfound annoyance by whatever he did to you.

You would playfully swing at him and send him a half-hearted glare and it was left at that. But sometimes,

Sunwoo accidentally takes it too far and he won’t know he did until he least expects it.

Just like tonight after he comes home from work, the door alerts you as he greeted you from the door. You spoke to him as he came in and immediately came to hug you and kiss your cheek.

“ Was work good?”

He was on the couch, sitting down as he glanced at you, “ It was fine but I’m happy it’s Friday and I’m off this weekend.”

“ No plans?”

He hums, “ Nope! Just wanted to stay home for once.”

You turned and smiled at him, but he quickly noticed that something about it felt different as you walked over to him. You stood right in front of him and he watched as you leaned down just a bit, eyes glancing between your chest and your face.

“ That means you can stay and finally take your punishment.” You say in a nonchalant tone as Sunwoo had a confused look before his breath hitched at the back of his throat when you moved your hand to grab a handful of his hair and pulled. He stared at you with shock as you leaned down to his ear, “ Oh? You thought I wasn’t going to do anything after you’ve been nothing but a brat all damn week? That’s cute for you to believe that, but now I’m not gonna be satisfied until I get a proper apology for your misbehavior.”

Sunwoo should have known this was coming. He was waiting for it and yet you still managed to surprise him and get him underneath you.

“ What color?” You asked, tone soft, still making sure that he still wants this.

“ Green.”

“ Good now go into the bedroom and strip.” You switched back to a stricter tone, emphasizing with a tug at his hair and he whined. You let go of his hair and watched him walk to the room, moving a little slower than he usually would and it made you grin. He was just gonna make it harder for himself.

You followed shortly after him, seeing he was still undressing and at a slower pace and you simply watched until his jeans came down his legs. You soon moved to your trunk that was in the closet, away so no guest would see as you grabbed from your collection. You knew what you would need for him.

You could feel Sunwoo staring at you from across the room as you turned around with a smile before it grew as he stared at what you had in hand.

“ Baby I don’t think-”

“ That’s not my name. Don’t address me without it,” You gave him a cold stare and it made his cock twitch without him meaning to. “Move to the top of the bed.”

Sunwoo does as he’s told and moves up the bed before you follow suit, grabbing his wrist to handcuff him to the headboard. Once you had him placed where you wanted, you tugged at the handcuffs to make sure it was locked.

You directed your gaze to his naked body, leaning down to his throat and placing a kiss there before it turned to nips and he whined. Started a trail of open-mouth kisses and sprinkling in some bites as you left his tanned skin with marks. Your mouth made its way towards his chest, encasing a nipple in your mouth and you heard him pull at the cuffs.

You pinched his other nipple in response and he cried out. His chest was always sensitive to your touches. But his cries didn’t stop your journey down south as you nipped lightly at his tummy until you reached his length. It was standing tall and you could see some precum gathering at the tip.

Already eager and waiting. How cute.

“ Can you please undo these cuffs? I like touching you.” Sunwoo whines before his breath hitch as you wrap a hand around his cock, stroking it agonizingly down. You looked at him with a smile.

“ This is supposed to be a punishment and you think you can ask for stuff now?” You let go only to grab the lube you pulled out, warming the liquid up in your hands before grabbing again, “ You’re in this predicament because you decided to be a brat and push my buttons. Why should I listen to you when you didn’t listen to me to cut it out Hm?”

You stroked him a bit faster, tightening your grip a bit and you heard the moans fly from his lips. His eyes were low as he watched you before feeling a finger rub against his hole and it took everything in him not to push his hips forward. You circled the ring and gently pushed a finger inside as you moved your other hands faster.

“ Baby boy, that slipped in so easily. Have you been playing with yourself without me knowing? You’ve been touching yourself again?” You gave him an amused look as his hole sucked your finger in, making it easy to slip a second finger in already.

Sunwoo knew it was a trick question cause he wouldn’t win no matter the answer. So for once, he went with the truth.

“ Yes…I touched myself there when thinking of you.” He answers in between moans. He heard you hum as you scissored him open, watching him sigh and buck his hips when it ghosted his prostate.

“Did I say you could touch yourself?” Your brow arched as he looked away for a second.

“ No, you didn’t. But I missed you when you were away.” His tone was sincere and you’ll admit it softened you a bit. His eyes were downcasted and looking away until a moan ripped from his throat as he looked back to see your mouth full of half of his cock. Your tongue dragged along the underside every time you came up to his tip, making sure to suck hard as it made his cock twitch. You could hear him struggle with the cuffs as you took him deeper.

“ Baby, please!~” He whined and you pulled your mouth off his cock with a frown. You gently remove your fingers from him before moving to sit on his stomach, his cock resting against the curve of your ass. Your hand smoothes over his chest, slowly making its way until it’s at his throat and you squeeze.

“ Didn’t I tell you before not to address me like that?” You scolded, gripping a bit tighter and you felt his cock leak against you.

“I-I’m sorry m-mommy” Sunwoo crooks out and it made you grin as you got up and he watched you strip in front of him. He followed your every move as you took each article of clothing off before heading back to your position, this time rubbing your pussy against the underside of his cock.

“ That apology earlier isn’t enough. Maybe if you apologize enough, I’ll let you cum inside me today hm? It’s been a while since I let you right?” You slowly rolled your hips against his length and he twitched underneath as he watched the way your hips moved against him.

“ I’m sorry! I mean it. Please, I’ll do anything!” Sunwoo should have swallowed those words before they left his lips as you grinned down at him.

“ Oh, you’ll do anything?” You asked and you watched him hesitate to say yes as he watched you raise your hips off him, your essence coating him just a bit as you went back to the chest and searched for something else, “ So how about this baby boy. If you manage to hold off from cumming until I say so, I’ll accept your apology. Does that sound fair enough?” You turned to show the vibrator in hand as you walked back to the bed.

“ I can last. I promise I will.” Sunwoo was determined. He wanted to prove that he could do it, even though he felt like he was digging his own grave.

His response made you giggle as you coated the toy with lube before bringing it towards his hole. You kiss at his thigh as you push the tip of the vibrator inside him and watch the way his body greedily took the toy inside, all the way to the hilt. The remote for it was in hand as you come back to straddle him, this time lining him up with your core as he watched.

You gave him another glance before slowly sitting down on his length, dragging out the stretch as you took your time. You felt him twitch inside as you bottomed out, enjoying the little sounds he made as you did. You gave a testing roll of your hips and he tugged at the handcuffs again.

It made you grin as you raised your hips before slamming back on him and catching him off guard as you gradually sped up your movements. His cries only fueled your movements as you pressed a button on the remote and the toy buzzed to life. Sunwoo choked out a sound before you quickly reminded him not to cum.

Sunwoo knew he wasn’t gonna win, let alone last if you were going to ride him like this. It was almost too much, but he still wanted to try and prove himself. He glanced back up and saw you watching his expressions, curious to see how long he’ll go for. His hips bucked against and it made him rub real deep inside, earning a moan from you. Your insides squeezed around him and he could help but start moving his hips to meet yours just to hear your moans again. He was only stimulating his sensitive cock some more and he used every muscle in his body to stop himself from cumming.

His shifting only readjusted the toy before it pressed into his prostate and he nearly lost it right there and you knew it was over once he looked at you with teary eyes. You decided that you’ll feign oblivion to it as you leaned down towards him, hips never slowing.

“ What’s the matter, baby boy? Is it too much?~” Your voice came out like a purr as he nodded, panting and trying to listen the best he could.

“ Yes! I’m sorry Mommy, please! Can I cum? Can I cum inside you please?” He begged, a few tears coming down his cheeks as you kissed them away. Your insides squeezed down on him at his words as you gently played in his hair.

“ You wanna cum inside me so badly?”

“ Yes!Please!” He cried as he looked at you with teary eyes. You don’t even think you can ignore his begging at this point as you place a sweet kiss on his lips.

“ Go ahead and cum for me, baby boy. I’ll take it all.” You mumble softly as you hear him mumble a bunch of ‘thank yous’ as he moves his hips again, chasing his orgasm until he bottoms out in you completely, cumming with a cry. You could feel his cum inside you as he panted, your hand turning off the toy before coming up to smooth out his hair.

“ My baby did so well for me”, you kissed his forehead, and his cheek before kissing his nose, “ Mommy forgives you.”

Sunwoo smiled lopsidedly before you watched it switch into a pout, which drew confusion from yours, “ What’s the matter?”

“…I didn’t make you cum yet.”

You giggle as you looked at him affectionately, “ You don’t ha-”

“ I want to! Please?” Sunwoo stared at you and his bottom lip poked out making him pout before you grinned.

“ If you want to baby, then you can, especially when you ask so nicely,” You raised your hips off of him, groaning as he slid out of you. Cum slowly dripped out as you moved to lay among the pillows on the bed, spreading your legs wide as Sunwoo stared between them. “ Then how about you start by cleaning up the mess you made.”

༄༄༄

@nocturne-overtures @gettin-a-lil-hanse @kimnamshiks @jacksons-goddess-gaia @yunhofingers @violetwinters @itbtoblikethatsometimes @deobibee @xuxibelle

[sparklemotiongalaxy]

Ficlet: The Aquarium (B2J protags, No Gem Roads AU by @vinylroadsjunction)

Enjoy!

Mayday and Zuke were on their tour across Vinyl City. So far they have been to the “park”(Trees! Plants! Squirrels!!) and the “supermarket”(Food! Food!! Food!!!). It was amazing.

So Mayday was extremely excited to go to the “aquarium”. Apparently, it was a place where water animals were put into tanks. And for protecting and finding out new things about them. (Homeworld didn’t do any of those things, they just took and took and took until nothing was left.) Gigi and Zam were quietly talking to each other as the four made their way to Akasuka.

Zam turned to look at the two gems. “And here we are! Aquaria VCCC! It’s the largest aquarium out here!” He gleamed. “Hopefully the discount code works.” Gigi groaned. “We’re trying to entertain some guests here, zip your lips about that, man.” Zam finger gunned. “Wish me luck! I’ll be right back.” He disappeared into the building. He will come back, Mayday. He will be alright.

“Thank you for taking us here. I honestly like all the colors here.” Zuke was taking a look at a picture on one of the pillars. Many colorful creatures, large and small, were seemingly swimming. May found the large creature with sharp teeth and fins cool. Maybe she can make friends with them?

“The discount code worked! We can all go in there, at half price!” Zam was back with four pieces of paper, looking satisfied. “Rockstars, hand them to the people standing over there.” he pointed at the human smiling as a young one gave the paper.

Mayday rushed to the entrance, paper clasped in her hand. The human greeted her with a smile. Why was everyone so nice to her? “May I see your ticket?” May assumed the “ticket” was the paper so she handed it out to the human. She gave a soft giggle as the human stamped her hand. Strange, where was the ink? “For reentering, please show your hand okay?” May nodded. “Have a nice day!” The human waved. May gave her a grin, and yelled, “YOU TOO!” The human looked a little, surprised, but satisfied.

The rest of the team were with Mayday at the other side. It was so pretty, the water sparkling and the creatures swimming. “The biggest tank is over there, with the shark inside. Wanna check that out first?” Gigi asked. He was pointing at the really cool looking creature Mayday saw on the pillar a while back. Mayday decided that from now on instead of “squirrels”, “sharks” were the best creatures around on Earth.

“Zuke, let’s go!” Mayday tugged Zuke’s arm, who seemed to be in such awe he couldn’t move. They all dashed, and found themselves facing the shark tank.

In the tank, there were other creatures swimming. So carefree. So cool! So pretty!!

Mayday must have been standing there for a while, because she heard Zam yell, “Where is Zuke?!”

Zuke. Was. Gone.

“I was keeping an eye on them man. How did he just go ‘poof’!” Gigi’s brows were furrowed.

“The government took him! They are gonna cut him up and put him on display and-” Zam was going crazy with his arms, almost as if he was about to cry.

Zam and his ramblings were cut short when someone yelled “Look! Is that a merperson?”

The troublemaker was there, in the tank, petting a shark. The shark looked surprisingly happy, eyes closed in what seemed to be bliss. That wasn’t fair! May should have joined him! He even managed to shapeshift his legs into fins! He should’ve asked May first, and they could have gone together!

Zuke found Mayday and her human friends, pointed at them, and waved. Gigi waved back.

Now there was a huge crowd around the fishtank. Zam sighed. “At least this aquarium is probably going to get more visitors for a while.”

[doublefaceliker2808]

Spring Evening's Respite - Prologue

<One day, mid-February>

Rinne: Aaaand here it comes! Ron! Riichi-ippatsu! Two doras into a mangan! (1)

8,000 points nicely snatched from Merumeru, lady luck’s shining down upon me today…! Oh, how the tables turn ☆

Kohaku and HiMERU: …….

Rinne: Huuh? What’s up with y’all? 

Where’s the fun in playin’ mahjong with weakass reactions like that? Lost motivation cause y’all suck? 

HiMERU: –Not quite, HiMERU is simply relieved that this is over. 

Are you satisfied now, Amagi? There’s no point in winning three-player Mahjong, and HiMERU believes it’s about time we sit down and discuss Crazy:B’s matters as intended. 

Rinne: Oioi, ya bein’ a sore loser~? You gotta learn to accept the results as they are, Merumeru ♪ But of course, I’m always up for another round if you can’t!

HiMERU: HiMERU’s had plenty, thank you. He merely played along because you kept badgering him over playing, anyway. 

Back to the main topic, if you will. What is Crazy:B’s next activity? 

Rinne: Huuh? Whaddya mean, ain’t this an activity?

HiMERU: ...What? 

Rinne: As I said, Crazy:B’s next gig’s the Mahjong right here. I didn’t mention anything about work, right? ♪

Kohaku: That’s your answer after all this? Ain’t there a limit to draggin’ the conversation?

This oughta be what they call going through great pains in vain.

Niki-han’s been workin’ all day at Cinnamon, so I reckon I shoulda figured you wouldn’t be up t’talk about anythin’ important. 

Rinne: Nothing wrong with that! Not much else’s on Crazy:B’s schedule, anyways. 

Life’s gonna be hard for the both of you if you’re stayin’ blind to the whims of the entertainment world, so it’s up to lil’ old me to teach you guys about how adults really play. 

So playing Mahjong like this is A-OK ♪ In fact, you should be beyond grateful ☆

Kohaku: We didn’t need all that, thanks. 

Christ’s sake, yer personality’s worlds apart than from when yer actually serious. Can’t ya be a bit more considerate of us? 

Rinne: Gyahaha! Spouting such cruelty while stayin’ with us despite all, that’s a charm point of yours, yanno? Sharp as your tongue can get, your body’s honest ♪

Kohaku: The hell does that mean…?

Well, guess it’s fine. Cinnamon’s oughta close up shop soon, so let’s call it a night. 

HiMERU: Agreed, staying for too long could inconvenience Shiina when he closes. 

Rinne: There’s no need to hold back if it’s Niki though, right? 

Okay, time for another round! I’m not done playin’ yet! 

Niki: Wait a second, Rinne-kun! Did you just say something about me!? 

I heard you, you know~? “We can be rough with Niki ‘cause it’s him”, or something like that! 

Rinne: Hey, the only thing I said was, “It’s alright if y’all don’t worry about Niki”! 

Niki: That’s the same thing! God, it feels like you’ve been getting more and more tyrannical by the day!

Rinne: Haha, you don’t have to praise me so much ♪

Niki: I’m not praising you! 

HiMERU-kun, Kohaku-chan, aren’t you both wasting time by going along with his nonsense~? 

I need to think up a new menu for spring after closing shop, so I’m going home right away! 

Rinne: Huh…… betcha the new menu’s gonna be delicious ♪

Niki-kyuuun, could you perhaps be looking for taste-testers when you start workin’ up your new menu? 

Niki: Nope! Remember when you asked to taste-test my products before!? You ate way too much! And had the guts to say you got bored of the taste when the menu was officially out! 

This is Cinnamon’s product, so pay for it properly before you eat! 

Kohaku: Mmhm. That’s enough, Rinne-han. 

We should call it a night already. Wasn’t it you who said that learnin’ how to quit when gambling is key? 

HiMERU: He’s right. HiMERU also shares the same criticism. 

Going on like this is futile in every way possible. Let’s take this as a good opportunity to put the unit’s friendship first and learn when to pull back. 

Rinne: Gotcha, gotcha. Teamwork’s the most important, after all. 

For everyone’s sake, we’re done for today! 

HiMERU: —Indeed, it’s true that teamwork is necessary for unit activities. 

This world is filled with all sorts of irrationality. Vexing as it is, such irrationality cannot be understood if split into simpler concepts. 

Kohaku: People’s feelings, thoughts, and relationships— Those are things ya can’t split. 

(All things considered, it’s been almost a year since I’ve joined Crazy:B… So many things– both fun and surprising, happened since then that I’m never running out of stories to tell.)

(The fact I’m able to laugh with everyone as a member of Crazy:B is all thanks to Rinne-han.)

(It’s a far cry compared to bein’ locked in a zashikirou (2) where anyone an’ everyone treated me like a nuisance with those creepy smiles of theirs.)

(So this is what freedom feels like, huh?)

(Since I’ve been locked up for so long, I gotta enjoy this freedom. Even if someone tries to stop us, we’re gonna keep livin’ with not a single chain holding us back.)

(Bees flying freely. That’s what Crazy:B stands for. Ain’t that right, Rinne-han?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------(1) Extremely simplified Mahjong terminology: Ron - Winning through someone else’s discarded tile ; Riichi-ippatsu - Declaring that you won in one go, basically ; Dora - A bonus tile ; Mangan - 8,000 points. Maaaassive shoutout to my Mahjong-liker friend for briefly explaining every term because I was super lost on this before asking them ♡ I’m still not an expert and this is a very brief rundown so if I made a mistake do let me know! 

(2) A zashikirou is an old term that refers to a traditional type of confinement room meant to lock up people that can be deemed dangerous. Kohaku spent a good chunk of his life in one.

Masterlist | Next

[amphtaminedreams]

A Retrospective Film Tier Ranking 2020-2021: COVID Killed Cinema (And My Concentration)

Hey!

I would use the “surprise, bitch!” meme here since the last time I did a film tier ranking was FEBRUARY of TWENTY-fucking-TWENTY, but I think I’ve overdone that one a bit, so I’ll instead insert a good old Jonathan Van Ness gif here: 

 I’m finally back at it with a 2020/2021 film retrospective and ranking everything I’ve seen over the past 2 years in the format of choice for all !!very!! prolific film critics: by tiers. The way I’m not sat on the Oscars selection committee yet? Disgraceful. Let’s call it what it is, discrimination against those of us who enjoyed Jared Leto in House of Gucci.

No, but in all seriousness, my attention span is so awful recently it is near impossible for me to actually sit still long enough to watch a whole film and the last few times I’ve been to the cinema I’ve ate too much before and ended up falling asleep. Maybe I enjoyed Jared Leto so much because I dozed off at two very crucial points of HoG and didn’t need to necessarily understand what I missed to be entertained by the concept of Luigi (or Mario? Can’t remember which of the brothers it was he was channelling in that film, just that the Italian plumber vibes were cranked up to a thousand) on crack. But anyway, the combination of this & COVID putting so many releases on hold means that I didn’t get through anywhere near as many films as I usually do. For that reason, I thought I’d combine the past 2 years into one post. As a reminder, I’m NOT a film critic-my opinions can be trash so don’t put too much stock in them. Put stock in the Letterboxd screen caps I’m going to include xo

I think based on the fact that this is 2 years worth of films and it’s going to take me an age to write, I’ll probably try and break it down into four parts or so, and that way I can post other content in between as well. I have this thing about not wanting to upload too many photo heavy posts consecutively because it ends up looking a bit messy. Satisfying my anal retentiveness is a depressingly fruitless goal at work given that customers tend to treat convenience stores like bomb sites (no, the biscuit shelf is NOT in fact a portal through which the tub of ice cream you just left on it can travel back to the freezer, Sharon! Can you believe?), so every other thing in my life has to be my outlet to do that, okay? I’ve also sorted the films into tiers from a chronological list so that’s kinda the order this will go in, i.e the first 25 films I watched in 2021 sorted into God tier, good tier, shit tier and so on. Now, to use a phrase which shows I’ve been listening to way too much My Favourite Murder lately, that’s housekeeping out of the way! So let’s act like a middle aged white man and rock and roll, starting with some positivity (though don’t be fooled, putting my God tier first is not about “good vibes only”, it’s about saving the best til last because God knows we all love a scathing review).

GOD TIER

Parasite (Bong Joon-ho, 2019)

Writing this post and looking back on my list I was like “there’s no fucking way Parasite came out in 2020” but it did here in the UK and JESUS CHRIST DOES THAT NOT JUST DRIVE HOME HOW LONG THIS COVID SHIT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR. Before I get into the movie itself though, can we just reminisce on this Bong Joon-ho moment:

That’s some real king shit right there. 

But I’m gonna go the extra mile and drag people who DO watch foreign language films with American dubbing too. Those who have difficulties with reading and forego subtitles for that reason, this isn’t aimed at you. This is aimed at anyone who thinks American voice actors ADD to a production, to whom I really must ask: are you okay? At at which point in your life was it that you stubbed your toe so hard or something that the blood rushing to it triggered a freak aneurysm, suffocating the cells of the neural pathway up in your brain responsible for TASTE? I’m sorry but forget COVID, nobody kills a movie like a cast of American voice actors. Doing the absolute most with the inappropriate tonal shifts, the unnecessary volume, the arbitrary inflections, if you’ve seen too many of them you know exactly what I mean. I know they want to get their coin but can we tone it down a little!? They go in channelling Sharpay and Ryan performing Bop to the Top on the most basic of lines. And for what? For whom?

But to the point, *SPOILERS* Parasite does live up to all the hype imo. I heard so much about this film and fortunately, wasn’t disappointed by the narrative shift like I had kinda prepared myself to be, given I knew there was something a bit wild coming. I wouldn’t call the revelation about the ex-housekeeper and her husband living in the basement a twist so much as a realisation of…oh shit, now where is this story gonna go? moment and I don’t think Bong Joon-Ho meant it to be any received any differently. I think people in the marketing industry have this misconception that banging on about a piece of media having a big “crazy twist” helps sell it, or that abrupt narrative shifts are always what the audience want, but it’s so off-putting to me, knowing that I can’t necessarily take what I’m reading or watching at face value. Seriously, it’s a huge detriment to the writer to have the audience go in needing to feel emotionally manipulated by the end of a book or film or whatever to decide that they’ve enjoyed it, and just results in them not necessarily caring about all the content in the run up to the “let down” where the actual meat of a narrative is. So publicists, PR firms, “branding” experts please: STOP USING “TWISTS” AS A SELLING POINT. PLEASE. YOU ARE SETTING PEOPLE UP TO FAIL AND ENCOURAGING NONSENSICAL WRITING. JUST STOP IT. A plot device like that is good when you don’t know it’s coming, like the effectiveness of it entirely relies on the reader/viewer being lured in by a false sense of security and that literally cannot happen when you warn that reader/viewer in advance that all is not as it seems. I’d heard so much about Parasite and how it was going to “blow my mind” already that I was pleasantly surprised when it didn’t feel like a change of pace for the sake of shock value. What we find out does blow your mind but less in a “I can’t believe it” way and more of a “wait, what the fuck?” kind of way, as you do the mental gymnastics to try and fit this new information into what you already know, whilst also feeling like in the wider context of the film, it makes perfect sense.

Specific spoilers though, that shot of the housekeeper’s husband walking up the stairs in the dark is a lot creepier than 90% of most new horror releases nowadays, am I right? Horror fans go on about the tall man scene in It Follows but this scene in Parasite fell right in the peak? Trough? Whatever you call the point in the uncanny valley that hits the spot, that moment basically landed right there for me.

1917 (Sam Mendes, 2019)

I’m not really a person who cares for war films tbh. Unfortunately, their tendency to glorify what happened in WW1 and two, and paint the British soldiers out to be these fearless, invincible heroes who willingly threw themselves on the sword, definitely has a part to play the mentality of Steve down the local in 2022 who thinks it gives him the right to be racist about his Pakistani neighbours on the basis that “OUR COUNTRY FOUGHT AGAINST HITLER! YOUR GENERATION WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SACRIFICE!” and play it like some kind of moral trump card any time anybody below the age of 30 dares to criticise any of the horrific things that have been done by our country. Most past dramatisations of war tend to build on this mythological Britain=self-sacrificing moral good, any other foreign country=barbarian and corrupt version of events that completely undermines the complexity of such situations. I’m sorry, but it has to be said; the irritated ex-history student needs to be allowed out of her cage every once in a while.

Amongst some beautiful shots, painfully realistic gore, and incredible, incredible acting, however (fr, I felt these boys’ FEAR), 1917 managed to capture the horrifyingly vile nature of war and drive home the tragedy that these were literally just boys, on both sides, forced to fight for survival by far-removed, privileged politicians who didn’t give a fuck about them. Nobody fought til the end as some grand act of bravery, but because they had no choice. They were filthy and exhausted and hunger games-ing their way through what was essentially a fairground of trauma with the expectation that they would die at some point or another and hoping for nothing but a not-so-painful one where they weren’t alone. They were doing all they could to avoid death, and the only escape was forward. That was the reality of the situation.

1917 also had one of my favourite scores since Interstellar, both of which had me in tears at multiple points despite neither sci-fi nor war films being a genre I lean towards; crying over WW1 in an Odeon was definitely not on my 2020 checklist but then I suppose neither was a worldwide pandemic sooo a year of firsts, I suppose. I think the thing about both these films is that regardless of genre, they're primarily about the connections between people, Interstellar obviously being about family but 1917 about how these young men were routinely bonding with each other in the worst conditions just to be ripped apart in the most senseless way, and still doing it over and over again because that was the sole thing that helped them retain their sense of humanity. That’s right, Steve. Not because they had some vision of some globally dominant, ethnically pure England to fight for. Though to be honest, I’m sure the film’s reminder that there were in fact Sikh Indian men forced to fight too probably would’ve sent a significant proportion of the “EVERYONE IS SO SENSITIVE THESE DAYS! WORLD’S GONE MAD! PC, WOKE, LEFTY MADNESS” lot running out the cinema faster than you can say Gregg’s vegan sausage roll, frothing at the mouth to tweet about how “forced and unnecessary” it was to see a brown man on screen in an EnGliSH FiLm AbOUt EnGli!!Sh VaLues-I think what Sam Mendes was trying to communicate would’ve been lost on them anyway. There’s also probably a lot of people who turned their nose up at 1917 who’d enjoy it if they gave it a chance. I remember a lot of film Twitter accounts being irritated by the amount of praise and nominations 1917 got at awards season like “ANOTHER WAR FILM!?!?!” And yes, I get it, but also, have they watched it? Because it would seem completely unjust for Sam Mendes and his crew and cast’s work to go unrecognised.

Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi, 2019)

Jojo Rabbit was SUCH a fucking good film, the first I’d seen at the cinema in a long time to provoke such a wild range of emotions. It is a shining example of the fact that nothing is above parody WHEN IT’S WELL DONE and not just for the sake of shock value. I smiled and laughed, which is saying something considering the leads were child actors and they usually get old for me very quickly. I even cried a little too. 2020 was a rough year for us all, okay!? The pacing was on point, the balance between humour and heartfelt moments was exactly right, and I do think it had some very valuable lessons in it, reminding us that with enough ambivalence and uncertainty and a lack of exposure to alternative points of view, propaganda can brainwash a person without a bad bone in their body into a fervent Hitler-loving Nazi. These things are so layered, and as with 1917, I appreciate a film that communicates this. The idea that we fight wars against evil armies of soldiers who purely on the basis of the nationality they fight for must be wired in a way fundamentally different to us, that are born with some absence of empathy or rationality which fuels their decision to fight, is why you get Russian people who have emigrated literally to get away from Putin’s regime being attacked as if they too have a level of culpability in something they have no control over. Jojo Rabbit reminds you that those young boys who idolised Hitler weren’t evil people by choice-they were doing or believing awful things based on principles they’d been taught were the objectively correct way to understand the world around them, and that it was typically only when confronted with the actual world, when they witnessed it violate those principles, that the propaganda induced haze would lift.

I must have said this a lot of times because I think it in whichever film I see her in and always feel the need to preface stating it by acknowledging her otherwise questionable decisions anyway: yes, Scarlett Johansson hasn’t proven during her time in the public eye to be…how do I say it? The most considerate or socially aware person, I suppose? Buuut…if we ignore that for a minute and pretend she at least had a decent publicist to tell her that sometimes she’d be better off refusing to comment, I can say I really loved her in this. I’m just gonna express I like her performances with my chest from now on. Saying you admire a person’s acting!!! abilities!!!! shouldn't need to come with the caveat that you don’t, in fact, think they’re a flawless human being. Her character in Jojo Rabbit was such a joy-that vibrant, whimsical quality of the character she managed to convey played a huge part in transporting you into the mindset of Jojo. She was the perfect fit for the all-knowing but all-good semi-ethereal being that encapsulates the way you see your parents at that age. It’s a great cue for the audience to fall back into that child-like perspective of the world, and that’s where the magic of this story lies, how Taika managed to infuse humour into a story set in Nazi Germany ffs in a way that worked for most people. 

Bliss (Joe Begos, 2019)

Given a relatively slow start (I remember being sat there at the beginning of the film and being like, is this it?), once the horror bassline drops in Bliss, it’s trippy, gritty, gory, gorgeous chaos from there on out, with no reprieve til you get to the end and, in keeping with the theme I suppose, all the life is sucked out of you. In a good way, though. Like after you drop down from the highest point on a rollercoaster and your breath catches in your throat for a minute and you think you’re done for, and then it finishes, and against all rationale, you’re like WHEW let’s go again. That’s Bliss.The structure is kind of similar to Climax I guess but I feel like the downwards spiral part of Bliss actually moves forwards, or downwards rather, and the character devolves, whereas Climax felt almost like circling the drain in a purgatorial state and never going anywhere which yeah, I suppose is almost the point, but doesn’t make for as enjoyable a viewing experience. I don’t need to be reminded of the time I went to Amsterdam when I was, like, 18 and little old inexperienced me, not understanding how edibles work and having barely touched weed, ate a whole space cake, the label upon which stated to start with only a quarter. The messy blackout of Bliss is a lot better.

Then there’s Dora Madison!! V V hot, and super believable, just an all-round dream casting for the role. Like as much as Hollywood likes to portray artists as these romantic, easy-going dreamers, most of them are more Dezzy. Angsty procrastinators who are a little bit insane. The bloodier she got, the more unhinged, the more fun she became, and it felt like something that had always been there finally coming out. Eurghhhh I want to be a scream queen, it looks so funnn.

Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey (Cathy Yan, 2020)

I’ve always maintained that I don’t care for superhero films and thought it was because of the action element of it but watching Birds of Prey and The Suicide Squad, I realised it’s not so much the superhero films I don’t like as the tropes and, well, fundamentally that the protagonist is presumably, in spite of some minor character flaws, an unnaturally morally good human being. Like I cannot suspend my disbelief for long enough to watch some pretty boy repeatedly sacrifice themselves for no clear reason apart from the good of society even though “wah, I hate people, wah, I’m a reclusive weirdo” which I presume is Robert Pattinson’s take on Batman (even though I wanna see it anyway bc Robert Pattinson and Zoe Kravitz, how can I say no?). But I like this increasingly more popular tongue in cheek approach where directors and writers trust an audience enough to grace us with characters written as being absolute arseholes whilst still someone you root for. 

I’m also here for ditching the unnecessarily flashy action scenes and the otherwise bleak cinematography that seems to be seen as a fast track to creating atmosphere in favour of some creative flair; the distinctive visual style and soundtrack is partly what makes BoP such a trip. It’s the gold standard for superhero films because it’s not just a good superhero film, it’s a great fucking time, and I’m gonna say single handedly pioneer of the very niche genre of chick flick on acid with violence and anarchism. Like Suckerpunch but only the good parts of it and the added elements of excellent pacing, charming dialogue and a bubble-gum colour palette. Plainly speaking, that BoP is headed up by Margot Robbie and Mary Elizabeth Winstead who I fucking loveeee obviously helps, but I also cannot put into words how much more enjoyable ANY action film is when it’s directed by a woman. Still, for the most part, it’s a genre where even “empowered” female characters are very intentionally catered towards the male gaze given that they do make up the majority of the audience but it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when ordinarily, even if you do get a woman who decides she’ll accompany her boyfriend to the new marvel film or whatever, the only characters she can identify with either are 1). indistinguishable from the male cast, a common result of a director’s taking the “I don’t care if you’re black, white, blue” approach to gender and erasing the existence of typically feminine characteristics altogether, 2). love interests with zero personality outside of being pathetically devoted to the hero or 3). Primarily treated as sex objects, which was the case with Harley in the first Suicide Squad film. I think I speak for all of us when I say the issue is not, for example, female characters “showing too much skin” or whatever bullshit, it’s when the action makes 0 sense in-universe as something another woman would do. You’ve got all your male ensemble cast in cargos and armour and poor Margot gets stuck in spandex hot pants which are not only bound to ride up the ass when trying to fight but also clearly, along with the daddy’s little monster top, NOT AT ALL PROTECTIVE OR WEATHER APPROPRIATE. There is no issue with women being hot on film, it’s just that there’s a time and a place (to take Suicide Squad again, Harley wearing that same outfit in one of the club scenes with the Joker or whilst trying to seduce one specific person or Jesus, IDK, in the fucking summer wouldn’t have been anywhere near as jarring) and if it doesn’t make sense in context it just takes you out of it. The fact that so many men hated BoP without even seeing it because they thought it was “pandering to woke culture” or whatever rubbish is astounding like HOW did society manage to function for so long with women being discouraged from working when 90% of the “critical thinking” men do in public sphere seems to boil down to “no tit? I quit.” Did u lot really not grow past the stage where all you think about is where you’re gonna get your next nipple fix? SMH. Anyways, stan Harley Quinn, anti-capitalist icon n Bernie bro xoxo

Extra points for the absence of Jared Leto’s joker and a conclusion that actually made sense-I like that there wasn’t some forced ending of all the women coming together to, like, make a crime fighting gang for the sake of “girl power”. It wouldn’t have made sense for Harley and Cassidy to join the Birds of Prey, and the way things were tied up just gave the impression of affairs naturally falling into place.

Emma. (Autumn de Wilde, 2020)

One gender stereotype that I think tends to, for the most part, hold true (as a psychology student I should probs add that I’m not sure if there’s any biological basis for this, let’s just call it the one upside of little boys being allowed to be messy slobs and girls being taught they need to look pretty and ladylike at all times) is the one about women paying more attention to detail. You look at female directors and even if the film is proper shite, there's usually still a signature cohesive aesthetic where all the colours and the sets and the interior design are intricately coordinated to perfectly complement each other. It’s less obvious when you look at an emotionally heavier film like the Babadook which is still pretty beautiful in its gloominess, but anything which is for the most part upbeat, like Birds of Prey for example or pretty much any Sofia Coppola film, always has this lush, dreamy quality to it that seduces you into paying attention. Autumn de Wilde gave us those rich, flirtatious visuals that had me glued to the screen like a middle aged Englishman named Steve (Steve is always my go to and I have no idea why? I guess it’s the middle aged British white man variation of Karen or Doris) watching penalty shoot outs. Aside from the visuals, which were truly delightful, I just generally adored Emma. The plot too, though I guess I should give props to Jane Austen for that, or rather the woman behind the screenplay, Eleanor Catton, because it seems more appropriate considering Catton is like…a little more animated than Jane Austen. I’m not a romance person at all, which is partly why I couldn’t bring myself to put Little Women in God tier, even though the same points about cinematography definitely apply. But this flowed in a way that meant I actually didn’t mind it; there was no overly-sentimental dialogue, just a snappy, tongue in cheek saccharine back and forth between characters with Anya Taylor Joy’s rhythmic snark as Emma hitting all the beats. I even shocked myself when I realised that, despite my typical lack of investment in romantic pairings, I was rooting for Emma and Knightley as a couple.The cherry on top of all this was the amazing cast. I lived for Anya’s portrayal of Emma. The touch of Machiavellian bitch she brought to the role, like a kookier period Blair Waldorf, was fab. I don’t know if that’s how it is in the novel, but I was so here for it. We love a morally ambiguous protagonist. Plus, Emma is the most Capricorn Capricorn I ever saw and that’s probably why I was rooting for her, arrogance aside, from the beginning. I kinda see all my worst qualities in her; my friend once got me a notebook saying “I may be wrong, but I doubt it” on it if you’re picking up what I’m throwing down. Hopefully I’ve got enough of the good qualities to make me just a litttttttle bit more tolerable than Emma because I love to watch her, but I would not wanna know her irl. Mia Goth was of course stand out too, and not to be forgotten, Tanya Reynolds from Sex Education, who’s proving herself to be a wonderful character actress.

Bridesmaids (Paul Feig, 2011)

Can I just say, the fact that when you google Bridesmaids the top suggestion based on most frequently searched terms was “did Helen poison the food?” Like it is some kind of Miss Marple whodunnit and not in actuality referring to a literal human shit storm from some bad Brazilian food is sending me. Like I never considered that before, and now I am doing so, I love that idea because I do not for a second believe that isn’t something Miss Helen Harris (the 3rd? Or am I just inventing that she refers to herself as that in my head??) would do. She’s a supervillain for the ages, pathologically conniving in the most mundane, but realistic ways. We have all known someone like her at one point in our lives and wanted to slap them across the face for some reason we can’t quite justify out loud without sounding insane to everyone else around us.

I almost didn’t include this because it is a rewatch and I was only ever going to include first time watches in these lists, but they’re not truly established as a tradition yet, so you know what? Bridesmaids has inspired me to change that rule. It’s literally a game changer. There’s so many dull rom-coms out there that a lot of us can’t relate to but everyone’s been Annie at some point and felt like a shit person for it and so not only is this a genuine reminder not to beat yourself up and a lesson in how NOT to handle things, it’s cathartic too to see those thought processes and behaviours play out in a way where you can laugh about it. I still don’t know what my favourite part is but quoting “are you an appliance?”, “no, I am a man, and my name is Steve” or “what WOMAN gives ANOTHER WOMAN a trip to PARIS!?!?!? I mean we’re ALL THINKING IT, right!?!?!?” Or a classic, “LOOK AT THAT FUCKING COOKIE!” are all a good time. Chaotic energy off the charts and I live for it, to this day it is probs my fave comedy.

The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell, 2020)

It feels like I’m putting wayyy too many films in God tier at this rate which makes me think I need another tier between that and good tier because I really couldn’t put a film like the Invisible Man in the same tier as Little Women, and I liked the latter too much to relegate it to mid-tier. I only say I’m on edge about having put this in God tier because there’s something about remakes that, whether justifiably or not, makes me look at them with a much deeper level of scrutiny, even when they’re as perfectly executed as this. Part of putting a film in God tier is my totally unsolicited way of screaming into the chorus of praise for a director’s originality and that’s obviously immediately off the cards as a compliment when the storyline is based on something that’s already out there. I haven’t seen the original Invisible Man but it would be interesting to know how closely this does follow that storyline; if it’s very bare bones as in it borrows the concept of an invisibility suit worn by a villain but not much else beyond that, I take what I’ve said back. Reinventing the wheel is a hard job and one that is subject to that scrutiny I just displayed, and if the invisibility thing is more of a medium to explore an abusive relationship, gaslighting and narcissism, which it did incredibly, it’s pretty genius. The baseline of fear and suspense and the expectation that something just had to go horribly wrong even when it seemed to be going to plan of course made for a gripping film but also, opened a temporary gateway to the mindset of someone who’s been in an abusive relationship, the tangible weight of the abusers presence on the victim’s being, even once the abuser isn’t physically around anymore.

Elisabeth Moss was amaaaaaaaazing as always, and I will again reiterate she has to be one of the best actors out there currently working. It’s a bold statement but if she gets a few more of these bangers under her belt, I can see a completely deserved future Meryl Streep role on the cards for her. Everyone gave great performances tbh, like Storm Reid and Aldis Hodge were great too and they, along with Elisabeth, bounced off each other really well. I don’t know if you could necessarily class it as a horror but there were definitely moments that made me start a little, and that’s always partially down to the cast’s performance; an over the top reaction or pre-jump scare change in mannerisms will completely take you out of the moment and make the surprise just seem a little silly, but it never did here. 

I do have to say, the ending scene was a little predictable, but it was the right choice and was narratively the most satisfying option, which imo tends to be a good tell of confident writing. *SPOILER* I was worried they were gonna go down the route of Elisabeth’s Cecilia putting the suit on forever to hide from Adrian and yeah, maybe that would’ve been the more realistic outcome in terms of what it metaphorically represents, but it also would’ve been a sad ending, the impact of which I think would’ve been quite detrimental to abuse survivors. There’s no need to have her character end miserable and defeated for the sake of showing how hard these relationships are, I think the film would be wasted spent trying to convince anyone who doesn't realise how difficult it is for a woman to leave such a set-up that this is the case, and I don’t think it would help anyone who’s actually been through it in any way. It never portrays what Cecilia is going through as the result of a lack of strength, we see that it’s an impossible situation that she is able to seize an opportunity to get out of and I think that’s something to hold onto for survivors without being patronising.

Raw (Julia Ducournau, 2016)

It’s always great when you make a friend and realise you have the exact same taste in something. Finding someone who’s favourite genre is horror is a rare one, but it’s great, because it’s the kind of genre where if you ask anyone else for recommendations, they’ll probably suggest the Conjuring films or something along those lines which maybe started off as a decent concept but then got a lot of box office success and has been driven into the ground by whichever movie studio realised it appealed to a mainstream audience resulting in crappy sequel after crappy sequel. The Conjuring was always pure crap though and Ed and Lorraine Warren are kinda the worst just to put that out there. Vera Farmiga, you can do so much better!

Raw was recommended to me by one of such friends as her favourite film of all time, which is a bold claim. I did some reverse psychology on myself and went in with low expectations because these things are so subjective and as much as I didn’t doubt her taste, going into a film expecting it to be amazing is just setting yourself up to be let down. But I needn’t have worried with this one because Raw really IS fucking amazing. I wrote in my notes at the time that I had to pause this and take a minute and that I’d never done that with a horror before. I can’t remember what kind of sense I meant that in because it’s so long ago that I watched it now but what I do remember is that it was one of the most simultaneously beautiful yet grotesque films I’d ever seen. Could’ve been an “okay I’m feeling a ton of things and I need to process” orrr a “Jesus Christ that’s disgusting and I need to collect myself before I carry on with this” or both! But regardless, coming from me, that is a STATEMENT. For one, I am worryingly non-squeamish and two, of all the films that would take your breath away to the extent you need to take a brief time out, a film about cannibalism isn’t the first you think of. 

Oh yeah, Raw is about cannibalism btw. Did I not mention that before? 

At this point, if you didn’t know this, you’re probably thinking WHAT THE FUCK, HOW CAN A FILM ABOUT CANNIBALISM POSSIBLY BE BEAUTIFUL (and maybe this is the first line you’re reading of this post because I too would probably want to know the context of that sentence)? But hear me out okay. IT’S IN FRENCH! 

No-although I am a slut for a French accent and it defo added to the experience, honestly, Raw is just a narratively, and unnervingly stunning movie. It’s Gingersnaps without the rage, a quiet, eerie coming of age film that explores the relationship between guilt and pleasure that is so intertwined when you’re a young woman. It’s about coming to terms with who you are and how to navigate the world around you with that inherent sense of shame, of having to fight your worst impulses which feel like they’ll be a part of you forever, of the cognitive dissonance between the love and the anger unlike anything else you can feel for the people you love the most all at once. Yes, it’s a movie about how human flesh is as tempting as a tub of Pringles for a university fresher and I’m not going to pretend I know exactly how all these themes are conveyed through the shots and the dialogue and the overarching narrative but I know but it is predominantly a film about the horror of female sexual awakening as perceived by society and consequently, yourself. Facts are facts, America: you can’t fight your genes, repress familial trauma and addictive tendencies and urges forever. Our protagonist is of the age where she has to decide whether to give in to that and to herself or to keep fighting and punishing herself out of shame when she knows it’s easier to let it consume her. What better medium to tell that story than through, you know, a teenage girl dealing with the urge to literally consume other humans. Plus *SPOILER although I thought from the offset that there might be something more to the parents being veggie than meets the eye, the reveal of the dad’s chest before we cut to the credits was a perfect gut punch to end the film on. Julia Ducournau is obvs a scarily intelligent lady and a firm reminder of why we should have more female directors not just in horror but in every genre.

Uncut Gems (the Safdie brothers, 2019)

I’ve always been a bit of a cold hearted bitch when it comes to gambling addiction. You would be too if you’d been behind the kiosk at work with a million tasks to do whilst serving customers and the same guy buys lottery scratch card after lottery scratch card, not even bothering to take it outside and come back in, legit just leaning on the till, scratching off enough so that he can see the redemption code and then handing it back to you to cash in without even actually checking it’s won anything, rinse and repeat for the rest of the evening.  3 things: yes, playing national lottery every single day for hours still counts as gambling, no we are not Ladbrokes we are a convenience grocery store and finally, I clearly have a million fucking things I’m under pressure to get done so LEAVE ME ALONE. Another thing that pisses me off is that sex and gambling are  2 of a handful of formally recognised non-substance related addictions with all this research power behind them whilst problematic compulsive behaviours that are primarily seen as “women’s” things like obsessions with social media, plastic surgery, shopping etc. are disregarded. Even the way we see something like alcoholism is gendered. Like we are very quick to realise when a man has a drinking problem or dependency (not saying that we take that particularly seriously either in this country, there is an entire culture that enables men to abuse alcohol ffs) but a woman has a bottle of chardonnay every night and it’s “tehe! I’m just a wine mom! Isn’t parenting soul crushingly depressing!”. The point is, the way psychological research has investigated a lot of mental health issues is through a very misogynistic framework, and you only have to look at how far behind we are with what we know about ASD presentation in women, how long it took them to accept PTSD may extend beyond an aftereffect of war, the YEARS that the tradition of every mental illness under the sun being deemed hysteria when displayed by women went on for, to see that. We’re definitely catching up but there’s also definitelyyyy a long way to go. The fact that my course is 70% girls is promising. Let’s get this psychology research bread laydeeez.

If you’re wondering how this relates to Uncut Gems, and it does…mostly…, then welcome to the film that completely changed my viewpoint on gambling addiction. Well, completely is a strong word, “lottery wankers” as another customer/former convenience store employee once called them, are still frustrating. Let’s just say that Uncut Gems helped me understand the mindset underlying it all a bit more. And it’s not because Adam Sandler’s character is all that sympathetic, it’s Adam Sandler running round NYC yelling like he’s just done half Pablo Escobar’s supply, ffs. But it’s because it is a genuine compulsive, edge of your seat watch, that has you sat there mentally grasping for the next moment to find out what’s to come because you know it’s something. Good or bad, you’re not necessarily sure, but getting to the outcome of your bet is an itch that needs to be scratched, and an adrenaline rush I’m sure is only like a 1/10th as good as the real thing, undoubtedly only compounded by getting a big win every so often (even if you are still making a loss overall if you think about it, which the customer I once pointed this out to after he told me he won £100 clearly did not). For a moment, these people seem to feel like they’re right there watching the decision making process of the universe and have been granted a chance to reason their case. Odds and probability are clearly a very misunderstood thing, right? You can buy a scratch card a million times, but that 1 in 10,000 doesn’t accumulate to 2 in 10,000, 3 in 10,000 etc. etc. every time you buy a new one, it resets. Uncut Gems illuminates the split second sense of conviction overriding this that all is ruled by an omnipotent presence fairly distributing good luck and that it’s your turn when the roulette wheel slows to a stop. Or if not this time, then the next. Definitely the time after. Can you blame a person for wanting another, if ephemeral, hit of faith in something bigger?

You don’t even like Howard necessarily and kind of think he’s the absolute fucking worst in a lot of ways, something that is really driven home by the inclusion of his family in the narrative, but for some reason you still want him to win, even when the family are there to remind you of how self-destructive and awful it all is. You buy into the sunk-cost fallacy, and almost agree that he’s lost so much that the only option left is to win, when actually there are much worse things, and he could still turn it around. Then, *SPOILER* you get to the end and the worst thing DOES happen and snaps you back into reality-of course it always ends like that. It was the rational and deserved outcome really. But shit. You’ve been in the mind of a lotto wanker for the duration of the entire 2 hour 15 minute run time. It doesn’t try to convince you that this isn’t a behaviour driven by greed, but it does enlighten you as to just how intoxicating that greed can be and how much it costs you until you’re left with nothing to lose. Eurgh, I miss when I knew Julia Fox as Julia Fox, Uncut Gems stand out and didn’t have to think about fucking Kanye every time I heard her name.

The Social Network (David Fincher, 2010) 

Technically not a first time watch, though I’m gonna consider it as one because I was about 12, max, when I first saw it and I really didn’t appreciate it at all. It was film Twitter’s “fuck you flip flops” propaganda campaign, and an admitted thirst for Andrew Garfield, that had me revisit it. I’m so glad I did. Why I thought I wouldn’t care for a film that came from the minds of the Zodiac director and Succession writer is beyond me. It has David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin’s stamp(s) all over it in the best way and I don’t think there are many duos out there who could tell this story better. The dialogue is completely modern-classic worthy, Jesse Eisenberg was born to play the apathetic libertarian lizard I’m sure anybody who has watched that infamous Now You See Me press tour interview can agree he probably is, and really, who doesn’t want to see a film all about how much of a pathological arsehole Mark Zuckerberg really is? If I have one complaint it’s that I found out the other day Zuckerberg was like, 19 or so when this was all supposed to have happened, and though the film does show him as being in his freshman year at Harvard, Jesse Eisenberg just looks a lot older than that. That kind of arrogance is even scarier, and would’ve perhaps added a more unnerving tone to the film, when it’s clearly somebody who is really just coming out the other side of childhood like Zuckerberg was.

GOOD TIER

Little Women (Greta Gerwig, 2019)

I really hit the ground running with my little wannabe film critic fantasy when I saw Little Women at the cinema the first day of 2020 didn’t I? But this film kinda exemplifies why I couldn’t be a critic to be honest because it’s hard for me to feel fully immersed in a film that doesn’t have any dark stuff or mystery or black comedy in it-as much as I enjoy something, I am very particular in my taste when it comes to what blows me away and it’s a bias that I reckon has me underselling films lots of people adore. Little Women, even with the sad bits, is still just too nice. Nobody is morally ambiguous, and nobody’s out to get anyone, apart from the odd bit of sib drama which I’m sure some of my sister and I’s fights a few years ago would make look like tic tac toe. My day to day life is very mundane-not in a bad way! But the only dramatic stories I ever have are about customer confrontations at work, lmao. My point is that I want some proper dramz in my entertainment and *SPOILERS* no offence to those who died of scarlet fever in the 19th century but who didn’t die of scarlet fever in the 19th century? Weren’t you lucky if you DIDN’T die of scarlet fever in the 19th century? Beth never fully develops as a character beyond her relationship to the other sisters and whilst the concept of Jo’s grief over losing her sister did upset me, the actual character of Beth is like…take it or leave it, y’know. That’s not Greta’s fault, Beth gets 0 development in the book either, and to mention that I think the book is boring af and took me about 8 months to get through is probably a salient point here. I think Greta did the best she could with the material, I’m just not totally sure why it keeps getting adapted without being updated for the times because my god, everyone was boring back then. God this, marriage that, I would say get a life, but IT WAS THEIR LIFE. And if a character isn’t like that, they spend the whole narrative banging on about how different they are from everyone else and how that makes them so much better and more enlightened than their peers; I was particularly impressed with Saoirse Ronan for her Jo March because oh my god I cannot STANDDDD that bitch in the book!

It’s a great film on paper. You could probably pick any still and it could be a painting in the Tate Britain if you chucked an oil filter over it in Photoshop. Not including Emma Watson (I love her to death, but someone please find her a new accent coach because she butchers American every time and it’s all I can focus on regardless of the quality of her acting) and Laura Dern (when you’ve seen how great she is as Renata on Big Little Lies, her playing Marmee feels like watching paint dry), everyone was perfectly cast. So yeah, Greta did a great job, and it did deserve the hype buut it’s just not my thing, soz.

Bombshell (Jay Roach, 2019)

Finding out Bombshell was directed by a man did give me a bit of a different perspective on this because any belief I had that it was truly a feminist film was extinguished-this was liberal American anti-Trump Oscar bait to pull in the big names but also like…pat me on the back, I afford women their basic humanity. 

ANYWAY, it seems like I am on the sole person on Letterboxd who can say this but I did enjoy it; the pacing was good, it hit the spot with capturing that insidious patronising form of sexism that I’m sure a lot of women in the workplace (typical day as a young woman supervisor trying to instruct middle aged men to do just the bare minimum, anyone?) experience alongside blatant sexual harassment to good effect, and it was informative and succinct. Being English and hearing a lot about this scandal but not reeealllyyy having any clue what it was about, and admittedly have also kinda forgotten since (lol, I know what I’m about to say is emblematic of people’s entire problem with the film) mostly because the 3 protagonists are all pretty, blonde, skinny white women and I can’t remember who’s who, I know I felt a little more educated at the time. 

I got the impression, however, that this telling of events should be taken with a pinch of salt; I know the women heavily featured were probably whitewashed a decent amount. I’m guessing Roach didn’t trust viewers to empathise with former conservative political pundits which is annoying because it’s like…you don’t have to like or agree with a woman to think them being subjected to workplace sexual harassment is wrong. But I disagree with a lot of the criticisms that it was unnecessary, why did he have to do it about rich white women etc. because I think this is the only story someone like Roach can tell about this issue without it being insincere or distasteful-it’s just as much about the American media as anything else and it’s interesting for that reason. One film existing doesn’t prevent another film from existing, you know? The more valid criticism here is that more women weren’t specifically brought in by Roach to assist with the screenplay or act as consultants.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Scott Derrickson, 2005)

It pisses me off that the ratings for this film aren’t great-it seems to be the paradigm amongst movie critics to assume an inherent tackiness to horror films and subtract a few points off the rating on that basis alone like there’s some kind of formulae to which your run of the mill drama is not subjected. They’re always so much more willing to see the good in some boring ass biopic than a gripping but maybe not technically flawless horror, which is ironic because if a horror is ever “based on a true story” that’s a standard penalty of a star and a half out of 5 too. Oh my goodness, blood?! But someone pls think of the children!

The Exorcism of Emily Rose, in spite of reviews, I genuinely thought to be a well-paced, interesting take on one of these real life cases through a lens that is usually ignored, probably because writers see it as to “taking away” from the horror. This expertly proves that the supernatural storyline being balanced with a sceptical perspective can add to the plot; it helps bring in that element of realism, the procedural, clinical approach we apply to our understanding of events like this in real life, kinda like in Deliver us From Evil where we get the investigatory framing (though Emily Rose is a lot better). Obviously, this leans into the side of the supernatural because at the end of the day it is a horror but as someone who IS a complete sceptic this was my jam. Plus, I fucking LOVE Jennifer Carpenter, like her performance in this was incredible and maybe she did have this reputation and I’m just too young to be aware of it but seeing her in Dexter too she surely fully earned herself scream queen status, no? Jennifer Carpenter walked (or contorted herself, rather) so Toni Collette could run.

She did what she had to do. I mean, once you’ve seen yourself look that genuinely terrifying, where do you go from there in terms of positive self-talk? Can you convincingly remind yourself you are That Bitch™ ever again? Like when Megan Fox was Jennifer Check she still looked hot. But Emily Rose is something else. God help me when I finish Dexter and find out what it is everybody gets so mad about because I have a feeling Deb gets done real dirty and NOBODY does my Emily Rose like that xo

Queen and Slim (Melina Matsoukas, 2019)

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a film weave edge of your seat discomfort and dread with such an all-absorbing sense of freedom and serenity in the way Queen and Slim does. The mood switches up so quickly. One moment, you have the weightless calm of the driving scenes and then suddenly, it flips to that sinking in your stomach as the two leads end up in an unfamiliar and reliably hostile new situation, mirroring what is probably an unnerving realisation a lot of marginalised individuals come to of a dichotomy between the cathartic surge of pride that comes with loudly affirming your identity and then the threat of repercussions that lingers on the edge ready to pounce on that and extinguish it. It’s something that I can’t pretend to fully understand as an average middle-class white girl living in Britain.

The music, acting and visuals, however, were stunning and though this may be the first time I experienced this annoying ass habit I have of falling asleep in the cinema if I eat beforehand, so I know there was at least a leeeetle (Lady Gaga in HoG voice) bit that I missed whilst snoozing, it wasn’t enough to affect my enjoyment of the film. I’ve seen a lot of African American people express that it lacked nuance and I can see that side of things, and how it seemed to want to stay uncontroversial in spite of the subject matter. You know, taking the few-bad-apples-not-a-bad-tree line on police brutality which is underwhelming for a film that presented itself as having a lot to say. I also don’t want to speak over anyone who did find a lot of value in it. All I can really give is my surface level opinion, which is that at the time I thought Queen and Slim was a solid, though unremarkable, good tier film, and Daniel Kaluuya was great. I have yet to see him in anything where that wasn’t the case, like Posh Kenneth probs had about 20 minutes of cumulative screen time in S1 & 2 of Skins and I still love that guy. That being said, it definitely didn’t show the case the full extent of his talent like a lot of the other films in his body of work do.

The House Bunny (Fred Wolf, 2008)

The fact that I put the Lighthouse or GoodFellas in a lower tier than The House Bunny is probably going to induce a mild to middling dose of rage for any aspiring film critic who happens to stumble across this post, but you know what? I make no apologies for who I am. I am a chick. I do indeed love a flick. Even if technically, theoretically, in every sense possible, it isn’t a great film. I love a campy 2000s easy watch, especially with a makeover scene, and so who cares. They just don’t make stupid gems like this anymore. Yeah, maybe because most are full to the brim with internalised misogyny but I’m not referring to it for my worldview and 2008 is probably, like, prehistoric times for those would take life lessons from a low budget comedy about an ex-playboy bunny. It’s dumb, but ultimately, I did snort a few times, and I love Anna Faris, especially when she’s dressed like a walking incarnation of the Depop Y2K bimbo tag, and of course Emma Stone is always a treat too. THIS IS MY GOODFELLAS AND I AM WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO TAKE THIS STANCE. There. That’s the bottom line. There’s a reason when you type in the House Bunny on Google one of the top most asked questions is when there will be a House Bunny 2-my people are out there, you can’t hide.

Battle Royale (Kinji Fukasaku, 2000)

Battle Royale was brilliant, and it feels like an injustice to put it in good tier as opposed to God considering how fucking wild a concept this must have been if we imagine its release in the context of a pre-Hunger Games world. That being said, I have to deduct some points for the very 2000s Disney Channel original movie acting and the cheesy American dubbing I had to watch it with, which I know isn’t the fault of the movie (the AUDACITY of a dodgy free movie website not having customised captions omg) but did make the whole mediocre acting issue much more noticeable. Everything else was pretty flawless-you can see where Quentin Tarantino was influenced, with those tongue-in cheek stylistic nods to video-game design, like the title cards that would pop up every time there was a death; bearing in mind those touches are one of my favourite things about a Tarantino film, I shouldn't really have been expecting anything other than to love this. The use of juxtaposition in the soundtrack as well as between the cinematography of the scenes highlighting the setting and the comic book gore was stunning and added to that sense of heightened reality, and if you think my appreciation for some blood and guts against a scenic location is verging on concerning…well, that’s probably a valid POV but like! Trust me! This does not mean I’m going to be murdering anyone down the beach any time soon.

One last thing I wasn’t hugely keen on was the ending *SPOILERS* which did throw me off, because at what point in the film was it revealed that Shogo knew about the mics in the neck before the ending? It might have just been a language barrier thing, like the translation wasn’t super clear or maybe I wasn’t concentrating enough (high probability on that one) but it felt a bit of a Deus-ex-machina, and I had to look the plot up on wiki once I finished it to understand what had gone on. I guess it’s not totally out of the question that he was aware since he’d done the game before and we were just supposed to take that as the explanation but if you’re gonna do a big plot twist like that I feel like you need to make the set up clearer; when using Chekhov's gun, you’ve got to wave that thing around rightttt in the camera, you know. There were a couple of other minor elements that left me wanting a bit more exposition that, again, I might have missed when distracted. For example, I don’t reeeeally understand why Kitano hated the students quite as much as he did. Like Jesus, my year 9 maths class bullied my teacher about his very, very recent divorce so badly this man walked out of the classroom CRYING (honestly, relatable) and I still don’t think he’d take joy in us brutally murdering each other, at least, I hope. Anyways some of us have absolutely 0 attention span and ended up taking a mindless Twitter interlude so if it is a case of me just being a dick and zoning out when certain plot elements were explained that one’s on me. I mean, it likely is the case. The “if” is redundant tbh.

Thirteen (Catherine Hardwicke, 2003)

See obviously the person I name in these posts is the director based on the fact they get top billing in terms of the crew but honestly, can we talk for a second about the fact that Nikki Reed of Rosalie in Twilight fame wrote this when she was like, FIFTEEN?! What the fuck?! What was I doing at fifteen, I ask myself. Binging Pretty Little Liars whilst simultaneously developing binge eating disorder, I think. Nikki Reed=productivity queen. And side note-I really shoulda known I wasn’t completely straight when I spent far less time caring about the Edward vs Jacob discourse than I did thinking about how much of a “girl crush” I had on Rosalie. I arbitrarily decided Jacob was the one for me at the time (much like I did Niall as my fave 1D member because “he’s CuuuUuUTE but oh my god, guys! Zayn is sOoOo the FITTEST!) presumably since I’d internalized from Mizz and Shout magazines (and the fact that my school banned the status symbol that were Abercrombie and Fitch bags with the anonymous male model’s six pack on) that teen girls are supposed to care about A B S, and Jacob being shirtless was like his entire personality.

ANYWAY, to get back to the main point, I see why Thirteen was the edgy teen girl’s staple back in the 2000s. Evan Rachel Wood’s Tracy was like the Y2K blueprint for Effy Stonem and it’s common knowledge how much we 2013 black and white Tumblr owners loved us an angsty Effy Stonem GIF. It is also a good film with very competent acting. Evan’s over-the-top and at times awkward in her portrayal of Tracy but that awkwardness is just as vital to the believability of her character as Elsie Fisher’s awkwardness is to her portrayal of Kayla in Eighth Grade; they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they do channel both the external and internal complexities of being a girl of that age excellently and without the condescension that they’re met with IRL. I’m pretty sure I would’ve been painful to watch as a 13 year old too. Both films do capture the dark core of confusion and identity crisis that drive adolescent behaviour and how that affects the parent-child relationship, it’s just that Thirteen revolves around the grittier, angrier, and honestly more insufferable expression of that. Whilst it seems a bit hard to believe at times, once you know it's based on Nikki’s real life growing up as a teenager in L.A and you take into the account the stories of child stars like Drew Barrymore being allowed in clubs and addicted to coke at like, 12, it makes a lot more sense.

Don’t get me wrong, Thirteen is by no means a flawless film; there are a couple of scenes where issues like race are discussed that had me grimacing so hard it’s lucky I wasn’t wearing my retainer because replacing those thingies are expensive af. There was one particular scene, for example, where the characters are talking about interracial couples eliminating prejudice that was just kinda like AH! NOO! Please stop. In the context of the racial fetishization and stereotyping of people of colour in the film, whether it’s supposed to be an example of the character’s naivety or not, it feels insensitive. But it’s a product of its time, and again, true to real life. We do say stupid things thinking we’re really profound when we’re that age, and those things were probably even more stupid in an age where internalisation of the social media morality police’s critiques was not the norm.

Lastly, and importantly, big old trigger warning for this one. The depiction of drug use and self-harm is a lot more graphic than you’d expect for a film about this age group, and there’s not much of a happy ending to balance the dark stuff out.

Revenge (Coralie Fargeat, 2018)

I definitely liked Revenge. It was a little underwhelming but that’s only because there seemed to be SO much hype around it-I know I said I tend not to go into films expecting much of them even if they’ve got rave reviews but idk, I think even though I didn’t do that, I did expect to see something very unique and this wasn’t, just imo, the insanely fresh take I expected.

Onto the positives though: the protagonist was great. I mean, may be a bit of a Raw situation where the French accent does for me what boobs do for men. Like brain cells die and I’m just like “stunning stuff” and lose all ability for critical thought. But anyways, I loved her. Top tier final girl. And I liked that Coralie didn’t flinch away from having her hero be traumatised by the events that trigger the rest of the film whilst still giving her a triumphant arc. The only way men seem capable of writing a woman’s response to sexual trauma is her displaying absolutely 0 emotion as if it never happened. Like we should give them a pat on the back because, sure, disassociating one’s self from something from that does happen, and clearlyyyy that was their intention, right? Spoiler; probably not. Most likely, they want to include a rape scene but can’t be arsed to spend time on the repercussions of that because it would necessitate them seeing female characters as anything but props:) Before this turns into another tired of male director’s bullshit rant, however, I’ll get back to what I enjoyed about the film.

For one, the gore is disgustingly and teeth-clenchingly great, and the shots and music are beautiful. It’s obviously very unrealistic but short form horror typically requires you to suspend your disbelief anyway so it’s pretty easy to let these things slide. I knew Matilda Lutz would end up as a final girl from the very premise of the film so that already puts you in the “how the fuck she gonna survive this one then” mindset rather than giving her an immediate write off when the *SPOILER* murder fake out happens. My only gripe is that it could definitely be shorter, and that the camerawork was very male-gaze oriented at the beginning. Considering the subject matter and the tonal shift after the inciting event, however, the latter seems to be purposeful. Male-gaze a weak opponent does not make, and giving us as insight to the men’s view of her is probably key in communicating that their underestimation of her is crucial to how they meet their ends. Also, I think it’s very important that the rape wasn’t explicitly shown. When I compare the scene to something as gratuitous as the one in Red Sparrow which the writers seemed to think was okay to include on the basis that Jennifer Lawrence’s character gets her catharsis, Coralie is typical of female directors in that, as I was discussing with a friend recently, she’s aware there’s literally 0 benefit to any survivor in its inclusion.

Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach, 2019)

"You liked this life until you decided you hated it.” Oof.

The internet is never more at peace than when we’re all collectively roasting something. Case in point: that one argument scene between Scarlet Johansson and Adam Driver in Marriage Story. Maybe you thought I was gonna say Scarlett dancing but no, I will be the one to make the distinction: that was popular in gif format, a meme just wouldn’t be sufficient in demonstrating the fundamental lack of rhythm behind those movements. Such a distinction is important because if you let it slide, suddenly you’re 50 years old and thinking that meme is just a mispronunciation of the name for those French performers who wear the black and white face makeup and creep around (also part of one of my all-time fave moments of Real Housewives of Potomac for all other people out there who have also watched far too many variations of the franchise but also know that RHOP is the best one!!!). So yeah, I’ll admit it. That was the motivation behind my watching this film. I was meme curious. Experimental. But imagine my surprise when, as versatile a meme format it provided us with, I enjoyed Marriage Story on a serious level.

It reminded me of Blue Valentine a lot in that it really did feel like watching a relationship break down in real time but in a way that the sad moments were more a frustration I can relate to, balanced out by the humour of the couple’s displays of undignified pettiness, which if we’re being honest, we’ve all fallen victim to the temptations of. You know, you want to be this tormented ball of angst, permanent resident of the moral high ground despite being done dirty, but sometimes the urge to just piss a deserving individual off cannot be denied.

Again, Scarlett Johansson was brilliant and just the whole cast did a good job at turning these characters into multi-dimensional people that made it feel like a bit of a fly on the wall experience where you get to know the leads and fully feel their sadness at the end. It did make me well up a little ngl. It’s not my fave film ever but yeah, I can see why it was so well received

Her Smell (Alex Ross Perry, 2018)

This is my dilemma: how tf do I reconcile being Elisabeth Moss's bitch with her scientology:(

I love this women, I love her in everything she does, and then you think oh my god, she probably knows what happened to Shelley Miscavage!? AH.

For the sake of continuing to skirt the very touchy ground of art/artist separation discourse, I will just stick to her performance in this for now. SooOoO fucking good as always. I don’t know if I was just overly emotional the night I watched this but everything her character Becky was saying about how she didn’t know how to be up on stage, so she created this persona and how drugs and stuff were intertwined with that and now she doesn’t know who she was before or without them or how to function blah blah blah, that got to me. I’m pretty sure I cried a little. Like she acted the fuck out of this role, and as far as I can tell fully committed herself to exploring every point on the continuum of Becky’s duality. She’s a character that Hollywood so often struggles to do convincingly, at once a raging arsehole who seems not to care about anything or anyone and yet also a hurt, confused child who can’t fathom a way to deal with things responsibly on the inside. It’s also a character that’s rarely written for women despite the number of prominent actresses who repeatedly voice that they love these kinds of roles which is super frustrating. Performances aside, 90s grunge girl bands, the music, the aesthetics, there was 0 for me to dislike about this film. It didn’t have the pacing or a substantial enough narrative outside of Elisabeth’s character for me to give it God but it totally had the trappings.

Contagion (Steven Soderbergh, 2011)

If there’s any tidbit of info out there that more effectively proves the innate human urge to make the absolute worst choices in every single situation, it’s the way this film shot to the top of the Netflix trending list as soon as news about COVID-19 started breaking. Of course, being bad choices incarnate, I was one of the people responsible for that. But in terms of the strongest evidence for humanity making the absolute worst choices, I think perhaps it’s the fact that we had far more time, knowledge, and recourses to deal with this pandemic than the one in Contagion and still saw millions of people die. A fair portion of them probably needlessly, mind you, partially because some people couldn’t be arsed to inconvenience themselves for five fucking minutes and put their house parties on hold or wear a bit of fabric over their faces or believe that maybe, just maybe, epidemiologists who legit spend their entire lives studying this kind of thing DAY IN DAY OUT may have a better insight into what’s going on than they do. You people are right, it’s 100% more believable that 99.9999% of medical experts and scientists are being bought off by the new world order or big Pharma or the Chinese government or whatever bullshit it is you believe today and COVID isn’t real than that a flu-like virus similar but unknown enough to the one we see overwhelm hospitals and cause the NHS huge issues every year got out of control because 1). We have a rapidly multiplying global population where people can get from country to country in a matter of hours by way of a constricted, oxygen depleted metal box in the sky 2). Selfish, arrogant pricks can’t stop being selfish and arrogant for 5 mins and 3). The large majority of world leaders are motivated primarily by self-interest. Irritatingly, this is something the British public especially seem to realise only briefly every few months or so when a tory is involved in public scandal actually much less abhorrent than refugees dying in the sea or people freezing in the streets before forgetting 5 mins later and voting for the same people all over again. This pandemic has DESTROYEDDD my faith in humanity, really. It’s truly non-existent.

Good Time (the Safdie brothers, 2017)

Good time was a good time. Tehe.

A grimy, gritty, nerve-inducingly chaotic good time. Not on the level of Uncut Gems but makes for a compulsive watch all the same with the frantic energy that immerses you in the character’s world and has you convinced everything is going to fall apart if you look away. It’s the toddler with a suicide wish you’re not getting paid enough to watch.

Never thought I’d rate a movie led by Rob Pattison lower than one with Adam Sandler as the lead but there’s a first time for everything I guess!

MID TIER

The Lighthouse (Robert Eggers, 2019)

I think a lot of my disappointment with The Lighthouse was down to the way it was marketed. I wouldn’t call it a horror film, by any means. Something can have unsettling moments without it being horror; take The Nightingale, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, or the Beguiled, for example. All have unsettling moments but were marketed more as dark dramas. For instance, even though the Beguiled wasn’t necessarily a good film I was prepared to find its value in what was implied and hinted at, the overall mood of the film, and so I didn’t feel let down. The Lighthouse was so ridiculously hyped up as if the bulk of the plot would revolve around creepy sea creatures and trippy visuals that had you questioning what it was you were looking at and yeah, we got Rob Pattinson having some fun times with himself over a mermaid, but really? That doesn’t even seem out of character for him. One creepy moment a horror does not make, especially given Robert Eggers is behind the VVitch, which is up there in my top 10 films.

If I had gone into this blind, I probably would’ve thought it was great, you know? It just doesn’t go anywhere for me based on my expectations. I feel like the bulk of the narrative comes from subtext and okay, maybe I’m just not sophisticated enough, but in conjunction with the black and white AND that I didn’t understand the dialogue half the time…eh. It didn’t grip me. I can appreciate there were good moments, and the acting was brilliant for sure, 10/10 for the atmosphere ofc, but I just kept feeling like I was waiting for something to happen which never did.

That being said, I feel like gruff, mysterious, slightly unhinged lighthouse keeper is the role Willem Dafoe was destined to play. Hilarious stuff. Still not sure if that was the intention but I’m here for it anyway, lol.

Possum (Matthew Holness, 2018)

In terms of unsettling the viewer, Possum definitely did what it set out to do; the theme of isolation and shame is almost palpable thanks to Sean Harris’ very raw portrayal of his character’s trauma and misery, honestly just as uncomfortable to watch as that fucking puppet. I think the issue is, as much as I like being unsettled in horror, it has to be balanced by something to get the blood pumping, a little bit of shock or drama or some kind of overt narrative progression. I don’t think this really happened in Possum. It was much of the same for the entire film; any development of the narrative was more subtextual imo, whereas in-universe plot points went mostly unexplained or just hinted at. It was a bit too arthouse-y for me, and perhaps would’ve worked a lot better as a short film than a feature length one.

Birdman (Alejandro González Iñárritu, 2014)

I would say that I don’t understand all the hype behind this one-the one shot format and the dialogue are exceptional but other than that Birdman really doesn’t go anywhere and it’s all a bit pretentious and smug and…ahhh, wait, no I get it. People talk about Oscar bait, but this is it. Because it’s Hollywood trying to be all self-aware and self-effacing in the most self-absorbed and meandering way possible. 

There were things I liked, and I can tell it was supposed to have this deep, resonant meaning but I guess it didn’t hit me and honestly, I don’t think it will hit 99% of people, which you would’ve thought should be at least a little relevant when the academy are deciding which film should sweep nominations in pretty much every category. This praise this film was given by those people at the TOP of the film industry is the most transparent display of their real criteria to date, I think. Plus, I expected way more Emma Stone than I got so. Disappointing. 

Shit tier seems undeserved because like I said, dialogue, cinematography, pacing, all there, it’s just the complete lack of accessible narrative for the average viewer which makes Birdman such a vanilla film for me, which is especially annoying because I know everyone involved really thought they were That Bitch™ (I’m going to get the trademark in wherever I can, prepare yourself) for being a part of it. Except my girl Emma. There is no Emma Stone slander in this house. Even though there is no reason for her to be exempt from this criticism, whatever. Don’t question me. I never said I wouldn’t contradict myself. I say that’s on you for expecting any better.

GoodFellas (Martin Scorsese, 1990)

Maybe GoodFellas is too dated for my gen-z/millennial cusp self to care for but considering how frequently you see it in best films of all time lists, I was disappointed. I’m not averse to violence in films, clearly, and I’m also not opposed to gangster films or TV. The Sopranos, for example, is great. GoodFellas, however, is permeated by the displays of male bravado I just know so many men low-key fantasize about embodying; have you ever heard a male Peaky Blinders fan talk about Tommy Shelby? They will try and pass it off as mere interest in the character but we alllll know they would do anything to be him for a day. 

The dramatization of mob politics, of quirky, impressive schemes, stand offs over territory, literal murderers being framed as martyrs for their dedication to the “family” when real life probably sees far more snitches than it does loyalists, many of these recurring features being present signal a piece of media that takes itself far too seriously. The tendency to romanticize the mob and paint their brutality as in any way motivated by principle and complex rules about morality is so boring. Like I’m supposed to root for this man attempting to rise up in the ranks of the mafia? Aw, boohoo, you had to murder a rival gang member to prove your loyalty and you felt really, really bad for 5 mins until you got some positive reinforcement from the mob boss and now, you’re the big man, all stone cold and mysterious and detached, exhibiting the most insufferable behaviour and then having it conveniently justified every so often by some past trauma. But look! They care about their kids and their mother so fuck the kids and the mother of the gang member whose vicious murder we are now supposed to be low-key celebrating! It was for a noble cause! The same cliches pop up over and over again, and they are so cringey. To this character I say: Jesus, get a real job. Try working in the service industry, now we are truly in the trenches. It’s verbal warfare with customers 24/7, baby!!!! Turf wars between employees and OAPs coming to a head down the produce aisle with every sarcastic thank you I call out after having to practically climb into a freezer so they can get past only for them to not even acknowledge my existence, the standoff between me and the mum with the buggy when I dare to weave around her children rather than wait until they’ve passed because I’m trying to run the pierced can of beer that is now spraying all over the shop floor into the sink out the back. Yes, you could argue that the “gangster” cliches prevalent in movies and TV are present in the Sopranos too, but it errs enough on the side of a character drama about the family to bring in an element of humour and sentimentality that something like GoodFellas or Peaky Blinders is missing. Let’s be real, Tony Soprano isn’t a super slick guy. He’s kind of the Kris Jenner figure of his family, just slightly less glamorous and only slightly more morally corrupt. He holds a ton of power really, but the script fully embraces him as a bit of an embarrassing human being, and no amount of fear his name supposedly commands save him from being a bit bumbling.

Another issue is that ultimately, unless a movie is really exceptional, I find it hard to get too invested in any media where the presence of the few women featured is contingent on their relevance to the male character’s plot. Karen was one of the few things I liked about the film-I couldn’t give less of a shit about any of the male characters and even the two I didn’t mind, Jimmy and Henry, were hardly dear enough to me that I had any real desire to know how things turned out for them. That being said, I keep referring to them as characters when GoodFellas is based on a true story, something I didn’t find out til the end which may have been more widely known at the time and perhaps would’ve given me a different kind of appreciation for the movie as a whole if I’d been aware of that fact beforehand.

Ex-Machina (Alex Garland, 2014)

I hate to say it because it sounds kind of mean and personal, but Domhnall Gleeson just doesn’t do it for me, ya know? Everything I’ve seen him in, I’ve found him to be fairly flat and one-note. In his defence, he does seem to get typecast as the reserved, emotionally detached type and it probably doesn’t help that he portrayed a literal fucking robot in that one episode of Black Mirror I found boring af, so I doubt it’s got much to do with him being a bad actor-there’s just not enough range in his performances for me. They lack the feeling or passion that adds a little bit of spice to a bland scripts. It’s not that he’s a bad actor per se, it’s that I PERSONALLY haven’t seen him in anything I found to be particularly compelling. So, I don’t know, I couldn’t really get into this. I didn’t care about his character, Oscar Isaac is not enjoyable as an arsehole, and not all that much happens. Maybe I’d feel differently if I hadn’t heard it categorised as a sci-fi horror so many times because like…where is the horror?! I swear if a film has the tiniest bit of death in it (lmao, ya know, cheeky bit of murder on a Monday morning), it seems to be classified as a horror. Like where is the scary in Ex-Machina that justifies that categorisation? I guess it’s the idea of a robot that can pass the Turing test and the moral and ethical dilemmas of that and our relationships with them? Misogyny? But this is 2022, and Sophia the robot exists and from the look on her face, I just know that lady has seen some shit and is planning the comeuppance of the human race as we speak so like…Ava’s not all that worrying to me. This film is just another example of who is the real villain here? The men. It’s always the men. The man. Whatever. But I agree. She did what she had to do.

Vox Lux (Brady Corbet, 2018)

Considering the (quite literally) explosive opening scenes of this film, not much actually happens in Vox Lux. Like it was marketed as Natalie Portman doing her Black Swan thing again, as though we were about to watch her sanity slip, but I don’t think we ever saw that. She’s introduced to us as this quote unquote damaged person, and idk, I think we only ever got a superficial portrayal of that. The relationship dynamic between her character and her sister, for example, could tell us a lot if it was properly explored but that never happened, and so it felt a bit like Corbet had this brilliant weapon in his arsenal that he hastily showed us and then shut away again, like “here you go viewer, you can unpack this one yourself! And then you’ll see what it all means!” but…there’s nothing actually in the suitcase. Just the illusion of it. I guess that’s what happens when you get a male writer/director perspective on sisterhood, probably the biggest casualty of the need to pit women against each other there is. An element of unnecessary competitiveness or resentment is almost expected of girls who grow up together and yet I don’t think there’s many deeper connections than those you have with your sister/sisters; there is definitely outside pressure for that intensity to be moulded into something negative. You know, because if we wanna smash that glass ceiling one of us has to stand on the other’s shoulders, right? Unless you’re a man. Then you get an escalator installed for you, tehe xo

Family dynamics in general are so complex, and present the perfect creative opportunity to explore the best and worst sides of a character. Like there is a difference between subtlety for the sake of encouraging viewers to read between the lines and a plain lack of character development. What we actually see of Natalie’s character is just not interesting or original enough to justify how edgy this film thinks it is, especially when I think of Her Smell, which pretty much does the same thing but in a much rawer way. I’m not entirely sure what point Vox Lux was trying to make about fame and ego and trauma and their frequent intersection when you think of child stardom that hasn’t already been made and documented ad nauseam.

On the plus side, the film did include some beautiful cinematography and unsurprisingly, grating accent aside, Natalie delivered a very believable performance. I liked the format too-having Willem Dafoe narrate was a good choice, and his ending lines sent chills down my spine. Who from Pink’s team was secretly involved in this anyways, I want to know, because I think they’re trying to tell us something. I mean Natalie only mentioning Lady Gaga and Madonna when asked which performers it was that she studied? Come on now. There is no way she didn’t have 2000s Pink on the Pinterest board for this role. Sus.

The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie, 2019)

There was a lot to like about the Gentlemen, for sure. It’s hard not to like a film narrated by Hugh Grant-there’s something quite intoxicating about the juxtaposition of breakneck pacing and gang violence with that silken voiceover relaying the events like a fairy-tale children’s book on the perils of running a drug empire. Maybe I’m just a simp for Hugh Grant.

Well, okay, I am a simp for Hugh Grant.

But I’ll give everyone else a bit of credit too. There were elements of this film that were really great, and I do love a twisty-turn-y crime thriller with a bit of light-heartedness to it. That being said, I again felt like there were times in this film too reliant on gotcha moments that banked on making the audience feel a bit silly. Then, there’s the reveal that the film leads up to. Eurgh. I was sat there with my family trying to let my dad enjoy what was one of his birthday gifts, repressing the Alyssa Edwards impression inside me waiting to be released, all:

It’s like the writers collectively went out of their way at times to be like “look how wild and effortlessly clever and devil may care we are!” When it’s very obvious a lot of effort went into it all having an “effortless” feel. I KNOW there was sweat dripping down foreheads backstage.

*SPOILER* Is the “Jew” (Really? Reeeeeeally?) being the one behind everything in order to drive down the market value of the enterprise and buy it cheaper supposed to be shocking? Are the writers really completely oblivious to the little known phenomena of…antisemitism? Which has for years stereotyped Jewish people as greedy and duplicitous? Is it sensitive to point out that that this guy’s only notable quality is that he’s rich and wants to make more money? Am I also being overly-sensitive to be annoyed at the fact that, again, there’s only one prominent female character, and that when the unnecessary, overdone threat-of-rape-to-motivate-the-male-protagonist scene is cut short and her “dignity is spared”, her reaction is to immediately make a witty quip towards the husband? Have her, men! She’s one of the lads but she’s also just about woman enough to be potentially sexually assaulted! Actual rape scenes aren’t okay but narrowly avoided rape, they can be a fun and quirky inclusion to the script, right? BTW, if it wasn’t clear, I’m not saying we should act as if sexual violence doesn’t happen-I’m saying can we stop using it as a downplayed trope in movies aimed at male audiences so they can affirm the notion in their heads that their unsolicited penises are ultimately the all-powerful decider of whether or not a woman is a “strong female character". And honestly, I can never totally trust a film which has the word “snowflake incorporated into its dialogue non-ironically either.

SHIT TIER

Maniac (Franck Khalfoun, 2012)

I was doing this post in chronological order, but I had to scroll down a little to find a film I’d assigned to shit tier because Part 1 wouldn’t feel complete without a little bit of a roast. When it comes to films, I don’t think I’m that harsh a critic-even if I don’t personally enjoy something, I ordinarily try to look for at least a couple of positives, especially if it’s a film other people really like. I assume I’m the problem (sounds a bit like a description of my day to day life tbh xoxo) and try to work out why I feel disappointed. Something has to be baaaad, like painful to sit through, either in terms of cringe factor or just straight up boring, for me to allow myself to put it in shit tier. Somehow, this was both of those things to me, and I am absolutely fucking baffled by how much other horror fans seem to love it? 

I watched Ryan Hollinger’s video on this, who I loveee and agree with 90% of the time on his opinions, and yet I feel like I watched a completely different film because he made it seemed so smart and nuanced when for me it was a very superficial portrayal of…maniac-ism? Maniacalness? I suppose the term is mania but that would be misguided, as I would say the title refers more to the colloquial use of the word which is more closely tied to a term like psychopath or sociopath than actual manic symptoms. If the director and writer truly thought this was what mania is, that would add another layer of offence to this film and we owe them more credit than that. 

Yes, you could say I owe them more credit than to label this superficial too because what do I know, I wasn’t there when they were writing the script or filming, or what kind of direction they gave? Maybe it’s all on Elijah Wood’s acting, which feels like a bit of a blasphemous suggestion considering how much he looks like my only long-term famous crush (ew, it feels very Mizz/Shout magazine saying that but it’s my truth!!!), my boy Daniel Radcliffe, but I really don’t know because tbf, I haven’t seen him in anything else to make the comparison. All I can say is that everything about this film was just cheesy as fuck to me, and I don’t think there was a single character who didn’t feel one dimensional, even Elijah Wood’s lead. That’s quite the feat-we spent THE ENTIRE FILM FROM HIS CHARACTER’S POINT OF VIEW and even got a horrible voiceover to go with it. How do you take that approach and still end up producing a villain ripped from the first draft of a horror novel written by a 13 year old just dipping their toes into the genre for the first time? I feel bad saying it because who knows, the writer might otherwise be great but idk. It’s frustrating because I can see the vision behind this film and what it was meant to be, but it’s just too glossy and Hollywood for me. A little bit of grime and grit would do wonders.

Tenet (Christopher Nolan, 2020)

Please, someone tell me why every Christopher Nolan film feels like I’m being mansplained to for like 2 hours straight. 

Apart from Interstellar. Interstellar is incredible. I don’t know what happened there. I guess I was watching Dark on Netflix at the time so all the dimension hopping, paradox stuff, as daunting as it is to think about, was a point of intrigue for me anyway, and that helped me stay engaged enough to understand what was going on. Interstellar’s balancing out of all the theoretical stuff with the simpler exploration of the family dynamic is how you pull off a narrative revolving around such an abstract concept. You need a grounding force, which Tenet was severely lacking. 

EuuUurgh. 

Maybe I’m about to make some film buffs real mad by coming in with this rant straight after I slagged off Maniac but I had to find another shit film tier to include in this post otherwise it would’ve all felt a bit anticlimactic. Does it give context though, of how patient I am with films, when I say I have never been this close to walking out of the cinema in my life as I was with Tenet? For starters, there was just 0 substance behind all the technical stuff, which in itself was set out in a bunch of incredibly dull, uncreative expositional scenes, only further confirmation to me that even Chris Nolan himself didn’t have much of an idea what all the physics shit meant beyond the guidance he must have received from some kind of research consultant. I don’t think any of the characters were developed beyond chill action bro, and don’t even get me started on the one prominent woman in the film having the singular characterisation of...whiney. No humour, no heart, just flashy imagery and !pls, someone tell me how clever I am! dialogue. I hate criticising an editing team because they’re generally so underappreciated, but dear god the sound mixing in this was awful too. Like as if it wasn’t all confusing enough anyway, I couldn’t actually hear half of what the characters were saying during the exposition dumps. Trash. I’m sorry!

I wish I had a less controversial shit tier film to end on, one we could all cheers to being trash about because now I’m sure if this post does get any feedback it’ll be in the form of an inbox full of people messaging to tell me how if I truly knew X Y and Z about physics, THEN I’d appreciate Tenet. Baby, who goes to the cinema for a physics lesson? You can incorporate some science-y stuff and still make it entertaining. There’s a ton of things being researched which have the potential to be mind-blowingly cool on screen if you don’t just have your characters relay it in a chunk of monotonous dialogue like the Adobe acrobat read aloud function. From the many, many times I’ve lied to myself that I have thoroughly understood and memorised a research paper assigned as seminar prep using that thing whilst doing my makeup for said seminar, I know an interrupted flow of jargon goes right over the head. I am a visual learner, and no amount of Clémence Poésy (and there wasn’t enough of her anyway) can change that. 

Sorry! This was supposed to be a closing sentiment and yet I ended up moaning about Tenet again. It’s just that the cinema is REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE WITHOUT THE COMPARE THE MEERKAT DISCOUNT OKAY, and this was the first post-COVID film my sister and I saw before we went into lockdown again, like, 2 months later. Tragic stuff.

Assuming that all the posts will be around this length, this should be one of a four part post. If it seems long, see it as a process of me testing the waters of writing film content when it takes me about 3 separate sittings to get through one these days and so I’m watching way less than I used to over much longer periods of time. It’s also justttt come out this week that Netflix is bringing in adverts and it’s contributed to all the meh feelings I have about cinema at the moment. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places, but it just seems to be such a bad time for original content? Streaming services are all focused on being the ones to secure the rights to the next Bridgerton or You or whichever series gets binge watched to oblivion and cinema is 99% Marvel/DC blockbusters. You can’t spontaneously sit down and browse Netflix and happen across an instant classic. I really should not be surprised that the film industry is also going down the profit before literally everything else route, but it is rather depressing when the creative industries clearly start to feel the burn too. It would also help if I stopped falling asleep in the cinema because I ate too much beforehand and my body just does not know what to do with that amount of food. Seriously. It has happened like, 7/10 times I’ve been to the cinema over the last 6 months I’d say, even when I’m actually enjoying something. I am becoming more and more of an old woman every day, it’s true. But anyway, another one of these to come soon and I’ve got some fashion centred stuff I want to get out in between, with what I hope are shorter interim periods too now that my first year is over. I will still have to sell my soul to retail over the summer, but I should have some spare brain cells left to write! So, all that being said, thank you if you read this far, I hope I didn’t go on toooo much, and as always, my inbox is always open:)

Lauren x