#oliviamairasnippets

[iamahopelessromantic]

No matter what happens, I'm glad we did it when we had the chance.

[travelandbeyou]

I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.

[iamahopelessromantic]

We burned through each other in every way, a wildfire of passion, consuming, unrelenting. We burned bright, we burned long, fierce and fevered, until nothing remained but smoke and ruin. We gave ourselves time— to heal, to breathe, to rise again— but always, we reached for more than we could hold, taking as much as we gave, until the weight of us became too much to bear. We drowned in our own intensity, unable to slow the tide, unable to speak the words that might have saved us, unable to steady the storm. I'm sorry for how we unraveled, but I am not sorry for the beauty we built amidst the wreckage— a love that pushed, pulled, and shaped me more than any before. And yet, the torment, the ache, the relentless sorrow of what we became could be undone— in a heartbeat, in a touch, in the fleeting warmth of your hand in mine. I know your sorrow mirrors mine. We never meant to lose ourselves this way. But somehow, we always do.

[iamahopelessromantic]

Trying to explain dysmorphia to people in the only way I can explain it for myself:

• loving your body parts intrinsically, but hating yourself on a whole image.

• it’s feeling beautiful inside and catching yourself for a moment at the wrong angle in a mirror and the neurotic thoughts come back in.

• it’s knowing something was a certain way once and you don’t know if you’ll ever see yourself the same again.

• trying to distinguish which is your real face/body: the mirror, the camera, someone else’s view, is the lighting natural or not, inverted or not - which is your true self? Everyone questions this, but with dysmorphia it’s an uncontrollable mental obsession that we never really know what the “true self” looks like. Our mind changes the perception too often and can morph your mind to think you see changes that aren’t there - negative or positive.

• it’s a battle of self acceptance for what is new, but wasn’t controlled.

• trying to settle your brain when it remembers that something changed.

• people questioning why you’d have any reason to feel the way you do, but they don’t know the feeling in the same way. It’s not the same type of feeling that it is with mental health where it’s the self esteem/worth.

• hoping you can have one day without one of the thoughts breaching.

• saying affirmations that have no affect because of how the brain processed what happened.

• trying not to let dysmorphia ruin any positivity that can happen.

Everyone who suffers with dysmorphia will have their own version of how it affects them, but this is just a few of the ways how I can explain how it affects me.

They’ll be different circumstances to dysmorphia whether it’s gender, medical, body, face etc. My dysmorphia came from an accident.

I’ve only been able to open to one person fully about this because it makes me extremely emotional and I don’t trust many people with my vulnerability.

[iamahopelessromantic]

lessons I've learned now I'm in my 30's.

We may not say the correct words or actions at times.

Everyone will make a choice on how they treat you.

They will choose how they apologise and make it up to you if required.

You will see the people who are really good for you by how your body, nervous system, and attitude are when you are around them.

Even if a person breaks your heart, they can help to heal it if they wish. It's a choice for both parties.

You will not always be a good person at times, this does not diminish your entire worth and goodness in a lifetime.

[iamahopelessromantic]

The only way I know how to break this cycle is to immerse myself in my own world in my own way.

This means intentionally choosing what I listen to, what I watch, what goes in my ears, what my eyes see, and what I tell myself.

I have a mindset barrier to break, a new routine to try and master, and to start building myself again.

To change sometimes you have to do go to the extremes that are unorthodox methods, crazy techniques, and a full shake up.

[iamahopelessromantic]

No romance = no love created to give

No actions = no commitment received

No effort = no requirement to care

No chemical balance attachment = detachment from connection

[iamahopelessromantic]

There’s been a psychological war in my head; I have won and lost on the same.

[iamahopelessromantic]

Feeling meh and not being able to be comforted by the person you want comfort from is disastrous

[iamahopelessromantic]

“You’re entitled to the truth. Not all the information.”

[iamahopelessromantic]

Many people don’t realise that sorry is only part of it. Many don’t even question forgiveness anymore, it’s implied with the sorry usually.

[iamahopelessromantic]

We said everything but those words.

We said it when our pupils dilated.

We said it when we stared at each other for longer than necessary.

We said it in our looks.

I traced it on your back.

We said it by our mouths.

We said it in touch.

We said it in every type of way, but those words.

[iamahopelessromantic]

Life isn’t fair when it made people who would stumble into your life and see through your soul.

[iamahopelessromantic]

So I received a message about a post I’d done years ago.

My tumblr has never been for any monetised purpose, social validation, or goal driven.

It’s always been my version of an online diary.

The statistics don’t matter on tumblr. There’s no popularity algorithm here. It seems to find the people who resonate organically, or it doesn’t, and that’s fine too.

Tumblr for me is one of the safest platforms in terms of social media comparisons, dopamine addictions, obsessing over statistics, trying to think what content to create next. Whereas, tumblr is where you come to chill, process and hang out. There’s no pressure here to be or do anything other than entirely what you want.

It’s lovely to see that my work still circles around the internet over the years, and maybe one day I’ll decide to do something with the writing data I’ve accumulated. I’m just not sure in which direction I want to do it.

I guess each little moment lets me know to keep going. Even with imposter syndrome, even when it’s hard, even when it’s lonely, even when my own belief system doubts me because slowly I’m shown that if I choose, be consistent, and allow myself to step in, it may just work,

[iamahopelessromantic]

My dark side surprises me sometimes at the thoughts it pops up with.

I love when ChatGPT does gentle parenting with me 😂

Looks like world domination will have to wait another day because I have to journal

[iamahopelessromantic]

When I let it in, I let it out, and I don’t have the time for that right now.