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#on plans ive only just started thinking about. and just
steampunkedparm · 7 months
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i really need to get better at setting boundariessss
#and maybe also stop getting excited and word vomiting on Instagram about certain things#but i just. fuck. i wish my friend would stop. i dont want to say encroaching but yk. assuming things when it comes to plans?#its not that i dont enjoy spending time with her#but me paragrpahing about potential things i want to do if im able to go on this school trip (moreso the after the school trip) isn't an#immediate hey you should do this thing with me#because travel can be Fairly cheap from place to place in Europe (or so my professor has told me) i think itd be kinda cool to go to#scotland after we're done with the school trip in england#and my friend just kinda. made something im excited for. about her bemoaning how her parents probably wouldn't let her join me#in scotland (i. didn't invite her to join me to potentially go to scotland.)#and like!! who knows if i can even do that!! i would love to go there!! because apparently my family is oart scottish or smt! but also!!#its fucken scotland lmao. i mainly want to just chill by myself in a place i may never go to and take a bunch if pictures for my mom while#im there (and get yarn for her to lol. i think id win favourite child with that one /hj)#so i dunno it just feels. weird that she'd assume something like that i guess??? i feel weird and a little uncomfortable :(#i love my friend dearly don't get me wrong but her immediate jump into assuming I'd want someone to come with me.#on plans ive only just started thinking about. and just#blargh. shes also been wishy washy with bigger plans and i can just. see her cancelling on me last minute if for some reason i do agree to#her comin with#which!! agaun!! this is just an idea!#i hate this
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seriousbrat · 1 month
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What's the deal with Regulus/Jegulus?
Who knows! The girlies are just doing their own thing and having fun I guess, not my thing personally but let's leave them to it and talk about the real problem here which is Kreacher Erasure!!!
It's all about Kreacher! Kreacher my beloved! I cannot stand idly by while he's left out of his own story. That miserable old elf in his miserable old loincloth was the most important thing in the world to Regulus and the real reason why he did what he did... this is a teenage death eater who has grown up entrenched in bigotry and pureblood supremacy with his murder pinterest board.... and he sacrifices himself for his house elf. because they couldn't get to him, not fully, they couldn't make him not believe that kreacher was family and someone worth showing kindness to and fighting for. and I think that's beautiful 🥺 perhaps most tragic story in all hp certainly one of the more powerful ones in terms of love and loyalty and sadly, oft overlooked
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apencilandpen · 5 months
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The last couple of months I've been watching a whole lot of Drawfee. It's super fun and funny, the hosts are great and they're especially good artists. I've been feeling like I'm pulling at the leash of my art as of late, trying to like, grow and develop but not really knowing how or where to start, or being scared to do bad art. I want to push my ideas BEYOND the realm of fanart, and that's hard, bc that requires more actual practice and stretching ideas conceptually than what I usually do. I've generally been feeling really bad about my art, feeling like I can't draw or what i wanted to draw was stupid or lame or "out of my league." And none of that has been helped by the time of year, other elements in my life that I'm frustrated by, and the general everything of the world. It's been really hard to even pick up my pen and doodle, even badly.
But a few weeks ago I watched the Drawclass hosted by Jacob Drawfee on how to practice when you're not good at keeping a schedule or routine. And not only is he a really good teacher, all of the points he made clicked in my head. The schedule worked. I'd been wanting to get better at interiors, and I have. And more importantly, picking up a pen and opening my sketchbook doesn't feel as bad anymore.
The past few days I've been watching Nathan Drawfee's Drawclass grab-bag, and this part stood out to me:
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He was talking about how a lot of the times when you're starting out, or somewhere in the middle of the beginning of your art journey, all you wanna do is accurately draw a guy. And that's what I've been doing for lime 2 years. All I wanted to do was accurately draw my guys. Then I wanted to do more composition-y representations of my guys. Then I wanted them to have more mood. And now I want to move beyond doing all that and accurately drawing my guys and into telling stories. Maybe inspired by music or my guys or concepts or characters or shows or movies or from my own roster of OCs that have gone untouched for too long. I wanna do series and big illustrations and backgrounds and lighting and characters. I wanna look at more real life professional illustration work and pick it apart. I wanna read and get more art books. I still don't wanna monetize my hobby, but I feel like my art has just been plateauing for a really long time and it's finally hit a growth point. And Drawfee has made it fun to think about that. It's a lot less scary when its fun.
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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"
#tw suicide#i wish i was joking#i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych#she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended#she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i#could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence#is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he#could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs#i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the#boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m#to see the psych and escalate care#but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly#it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan#i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access#i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't#there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that#makes sense#ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD#personal#puddleglum hours
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swiftfootedachilles · 7 months
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what do i have to do to get people to read my stuff actually like im not about to get in everyones faces begging for attention but i dont understand how im expected to make FREE fandom content without much feedback on my work
#ignore my ranting but im actually so fucked disillusioned#like why are there so many people who scream about supporting each other and lifting up small creators#and they never do it themselves unless its their friend#sorry i dont sit at the popular table but i never expected that it would impact my reach this much#my newest fic has more hits but less kudos and less comments than my first#it's so obvious people only interacted on my first fic *because* it was my first fic#and thank you so fucking much to the people who have given me kind words#and literally religiously rbing my stuff because you think im worth listening to#this isn't about me crying because im not popular#people with bigger followings are naturally going to get more attention#but the only reason ive started posting my fics is because all these POPULAR BLOGS were like 'we support each other here!!!'#'were a big family were not a big fandom so any time someone posts it brings a smile to our faces!' blah blah blah#like youre out here lying for clout you literally only leave feed or kudos if its your fucking friend 😭 not even if its good#i guess id rather have less people interacting if it means the feedback i get is genuine and not just blowing smoke up my ass#but it still hurts to write a fic that flops and then write another fic thats over 3x longer than my first fic#WITH A PREMISE THAT POPULAR WRITERS HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT BEFORE AND BLEW UP FOR IT AND PEOPLE IDOLIZE THEIR WRITING#so im expecting to get more feedback and constructive criticism because it's a concept that a lot of people seem to love#only to get EVEN LESS FEEDBACK THAN ON MY FIRST FIC#like sorry to everyone who genuinely likes my writing i actually love you so much#but im very rejection sensitive and don't plan on continuing this. it seriously hurts me. it triggers my abandonment and selfhatred shit ba#like im sick to my stomach that another thing im passionate about is sucking the life out of me & i cant even get my foot in the door#donut rebagel this thanks and goodbye
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thepavementsings · 9 months
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Honestly I think the #1 thing about moving into the professional space that I wish I learned about sooner was the importance of finding a true mentor in your field. There's so much talk about network network network but having a few people with knowledge and experience truly ride for you beats the thousands of linkedin connections ten times out of ten.
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wabblebees · 4 months
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#have been attempting to make a self-tape for this audition for DAYS#after a whole helluva lotta bullshit having to do with hunting down a time+space+camera to film with i Finally managed to get some takes#then some weird bullshit with the camera's sd card happened where i wasnt able to pull the files off onto my laptop#FINALLY able to copy the files to my laptop. FINALLY able to access playback (the video camera i borrowed wouldnt let me access its gallery#FINALLY watching them... they all kinda suck so far but thats Fine at least i Have Them yk#get to take 7 and its actually not nearly as terrible as the previous 6!! feelin pretty good abt this one!! dont get hopes too high ofc but#i mean hey this ones acceptable if the last few arent any good either & just in case i cant go thru with my plans for tmrw to do a reshoot#so yk i start to rename the file so i can tell which clip it is!#Whole Laptop Crashes#WAHOO#typed this up to avoid freakin out while carefully rebooting her. bbg dont do this to me#luckily i already saved multiple contingency copies just in case (bc ive already had so many issues i was feelin Extra Cautious)#so i at least dont have to worry about dealing with the sd card bullshit Again. ugh#EDITING TO SAY: SHE LIVES!! laptop is fine after powering back up & files are unscathed!! was able to retitle & keep on truckin no problem#god i hate dealing with video as a medium#*this* is why im a stage performer not a screen actor lmao#fuck this shit. juust gimme a floor and an audience and ill make it worrk#cameras are fickle creatures on-par with printer machines#im rly excitednervous abt this audition tho; only submitted my resume+headshot on a whim & didnt rly think anything would come of it#but they contacted me and asked for a tape!! so im like !!!!! okayy sure id love to send that !!! i just have to face The Horrors first#if i dont get it then thats not the end of the world or anyth; but itd be SO FUCKING COOL if my v first submission landed me my first gig!!#so uhh. pls put out a good thought to the universe for my self-tape landing me the chance to perform in this queer play festival !!#bee speaks#🤞🤞🤞
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moenmomentsthemoe-en · 5 months
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ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags
#vent#rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out#rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee ->#i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up#i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!!#maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh#i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it#takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck]#maybe ill open an etsy shop??#i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits#ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone#but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely#i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop#scratches head#i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell#concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things#that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg#i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely#CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire*#working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no#safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it#feel like im just making excuses to not get a job#i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to.#actually sell to customers you know#ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my#best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make#AUHGHG#i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me.#i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably#probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this
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orcelito · 1 month
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i miss akechi goro so much. maybe even enough to finally finish that ladue chapter 3
#speculation nation#ladue shit#listen hes such an asshole and i NEEEEEEED to channel his voice for a bit again#if this urge persists to tomorrow i'll crack open the fic again. for a little reread.#this will satisfy only approximately 53 people (the total subscribers to that fic)#which ok that's actually a good few people when i think about them as actual people#but it's the least amount of subscriptions i have out of most of my multichapters#EVEN STILL. it's a matter of pride and self-satisfaction.#and god fucking damn i have 18k for chapter 3 already written. i literally just need to close the damn scene up#it's been over a YEAR NOWWWWWWWWWW like holy fucking shit. i need this OUT ALREADYYYYYYYYYYY#ladue chapter 3 i will free you into the abyss. i cannot promise more than chapter 3 but i can promise a chapter 3 at least.#i had a whole plan for the fic but idk if i'll ever be able to write it#considering it's taken like. ... years. between chapters.#it took me 2 years to post chapter 2 and it's been a year now since then. ugh.#see the thing is chapter 3 closes the initial arc of them starting to date. and then there's more stuff.#maybe i'll keep it open just in case the urge strikes me to continue it eventually.#and if it never does. i might make a 4th chapter that outlines the eventual plans i had for the fic. so that people know at least.#ive seen that a Few times for discontinued fics.#....but the thing is i dont want to mark any of my fics discontinued!!!! theyre all my darlings!!! i want to go back to them all eventually#i'll just have to see. if a chapter 4 ends up taking several more years. well. maybe it'll be time to call it there. who fucking knows lol#i'll try to get chapter 3 finished sometime soon though. i really want to have it out already.
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pepprs · 1 year
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ok mutuals be honest. should i “break up” w my counselor over these texts yes or no
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#purrs#i don’t have the spoons to type much let alone reply to anybody ESPECIALLY not him bc this fucking pissed me off so bad i have been too#angry to reply. like what the fuck is this. im going through a hard time right now so why are you judging me for wanting us to talk about#that instead of me doing your stupid little homework assignment. i just feel so judged by him all the time and i can’t work up the courage#to tell him or end things. but i am actually dreading talking abt this new development / topic w him anyways bc the last time we talked abt#it he judged and pushed me so hard and i got SOOOOO angry but also maybe he was right and just saying thigns i didn’t want to hear and then#his supervisor got sick and he said he had this plan for us to do the erikson thing and we’ve barely started it and i feel so bad bc i#genuinely think it could work but i just don’t mesh well with him. but it’s like i should give it a try and stick it out bc there’s only a f#few months left and what if things get better. and also ihavent given him any indication of how unhappy ive been w him as my counselor and i#don’t want to spring it on him out of nowhere. but no we’ve been working together since October and i don’t feel seen or supported by him at#all an di know i have to leave bc i deserve better but things are so bad rn and my brain has been broken all weekend and i just don’t have t#the strength and idk what to reply or if i should but i think everyone is probably gonna say i need to leave him and i think you’d be right.#delete later#i truly do not have the mental capacity to rn but if u go thru my other purrs posts i talk abt some of the shit he’s done that has just been#building and building and i know i need to do smth about it bc it’s not okay. but im so scared.
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quil12 · 1 year
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Tell me why I have two active fics that I should be working on, but I decided to spend the past few hours writing the first 5k of an entirely different one...
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persimminwrites · 1 year
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i wanna go back to the days where i wrote chapters and oneshots that were less than 1-2k words
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timegears-moved · 10 months
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blueprint-han · 1 year
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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jvzebel-x · 11 months
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🦋
#so ive been in contact w a clinic for a specific treatment plan&ive been getting paperwork together for this shit for like 3wks+#&i just got a call about it-- a call ive been waiting for since last week-- only for them to tell me that#ill probably need to be hospitalized for the full extent of the treatment. lmao.#as if this in&of itself was not enough to send me full-on spiraling they let know that this will be totally out of pocket#(which i guess im more or less used to hearing at this point in my life lmao)#&also that i POPPED FOR AMPHETAMINES?#so i immediately start fucking freaking out&the person im talking to is trying to calm me down like#'its okay! youre not in trouble!'#&honest to god if i had been in person i wouldve smacked someone lmao.#i dont give a fuck what you fucking ppl think of me. ive been fighting for solid communication for this entire process#there isnt any reason i should feel inclined to respect any of you bitches enough to give a fuck about your opinion.#even if i didnt have my personal history or occupational hazard list IT WOULD BE CONCERNING TO FIND OUT I HAVE RANDOM DRUGS#IN MY SYSTEM THAT I WAS UNAWARE OF. &frankly that SHOULD be fucking obvious if i am panicking at all.#seeing as a did several different drug tests i dont see how any of it would come as a fucking surprise.#... then she realized that my blood test was negative&my piss test was 'presumptively positive'#&was like that bc of one of my other medications.#im not. THRILLED. that this was overlooked for a large variety of reasons lmao#but the fact that the med evals only last two weeks tops the list bc if i need to retest bc of this shit-- something that wont even#give them a different test result as i am still taking the same medication fucking daily as i have been for over a year now--#i will need to do EVERYTHING again. for no reason. DEFINITELY for no reason caused by me.#all so they can tell me that they lied to me initially&they wont treat me unless i let them hospitalize me lmao.#im going to go fucking rabid. i Do Not want to be hospitalized. lmao.
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arthur-r · 2 years
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i ran out of storage while drawing this so i had to add the white parts in markup and call the rest of it good but this is “self portrait with future beard and pending scar” and i drew it after surgery this morning
#the outfit is stuff i have in real life and so is the scar except it’s not a scar yet it’s a wound#that’s what my mom keeps on telling me when i say wow this is such a cool scar#which is what i say to not terrify myself about how i might always have this scar#anyway if i had still been in ibispaint for the end of this i would’ve added some bright light behind me#because that’s what i was planning on but then i ran out of storage#anyway hi i did the surgery this morning and it went good the IV hurt and the anesthesia was scary but everything else was good#anyway i was gonna fix the shape when i was still in ibispaint but i would need 250 megabytes of storage and i don’t have it :(#so markup is all i have now shdhdf i can’t erase i can only draw on top#which is mostly how i draw anyway but still#anyway the surgery to make my face look regular again all the way would cost money and not insurance at all#so unless it heals really good on it’s own i might look like this forever#so i started thinking about forever and i reassured myself by adding a beard to the picture. and so. that’s why i drew this shdhdf#anyway i missed my dynamic brush and this was my first time using it in a lot of months and i had missed it shdhdf#idk if this is like. good. to people who aren’t on anesthesia. i will have to find out in the morning#but i wanted to break to you guys that it might never go away. but i did that by drawing instead of a picture#because i get nervous on the internet and especially today#and anyway i hope i still like this in the morning but mostly the point before is i have a scar there now#cause that’s what i had to get to not have a tumor there now. and so it’s better and it’s okay but also makes me nervous#but i’m gonna grow up and it will still be okay and this is scary but the worst dangerous part is over#and this is just maybe what i look like right now and maybe it will heal. but i will just have to find out#me. my post. mine.#my art#delete later
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