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A lot of people are screaming throuple and just writing the porn (which I get! It’s fun!). But reading them come is not enough for me. lol Toxicity is hot until it’s just damaging and sad for everyone. I want real happiness for these three weirdos.
The end of the film was meant to be the very beginning of something. Just the spark of an idea of them coming back to one another. But the real work starts after.
And I think it would probably be a step-by-step thing.
I can see Patrick and Art working to draw closer, with that strong foundation of their childhoods to build off of. Obviously having to resolve the hurt that so much time and distance caused them, and both being willing to forgive. But it’s clear at the end of the film that the door is open for that. They grew up together. There’s a real root of knowing that I think could carry them through the toughest parts early on. Their relationship evolving feels possible.
And Tashi and Art’s marriage would find some breathing room and maybe even some renewed delight for having Patrick present and loving on them both. Kinda seeing each other again through his eyes type thing. Remembering they’re more than who they have been to each other for over a decade (both operating in one mode to survive, never quite enough for each other -- not totally fulfilled and not appreciated in their fullness).
I don’t think Patrick and Tashi would be having sex at this point, but I can see like….tennis dates where they bicker. Just them all learning how to be in each other’s space for extended periods of time and enjoy it.
And maybe Art wouldn’t resent Tashi so much for not being able to give him everything (so much has been taken from her — she just doesn’t have all that much left. She’s been doing her best.) and maybe Tashi would feel more at peace seeing them play each other and knowing Art is really loving tennis, not just playing for her. Connecting with them both in that space and finding joy in tennis again, so it’s not just routine and pain and loss for her.
With that healing happening concurrently (with therapists as support, of course), I think they’d get far. And then once those relationships are more secure, once Art and Tashi learn how they relate to each other when he isn’t winning for her (which would be something new. They don’t know what that looks like yet!) then Patrick and Tashi, having learned way more about themselves in relationship and how to communicate, might start working on their side of the triangle lol.
I could see them all exploring and working out the intimacy over time — not just sex, but intimacy -- what do they each need and how do they need it? And kink too, the various ways they each want/need to give or receive so they all feel truly satisfied.
And of course they’ll be partners co-parenting. All of them.
I can see Tashi finally grieving her injury, the life she lost, and rediscovering her love of tennis, not to win, but for the joy of being on the court. Her sobs the first time she plays again and it’s not competitively, just a little volley, but it’s like she’s finally alive again. Reminding herself she’s a leader in tennis the space still, that she can build success in that world even without Art’s career, but maybe it looks different. I see a healed Tashi learning to enjoy teaching kids. Taking on more protege. And letting Art and Patrick come help at her tennis camps.
Art retiring like he said he wanted, running the foundation as Tashi steps back. Realizing that he’s actually pretty good at this business thing and going back to school for a Master’s in nonprofit leadership. Meeting new people. Making friends (that aren’t Patrick). Getting invited to a pottery class and seeing he loves to work with his hands. Playing tennis with Patrick on the weekends.
And my heart for stay-at-home dad Patrick. Who always forgets to change over the laundry and leaves his keys everywhere and puts the babies' shoes on the wrong feet. But my god he loves those kids so goddamn much. Patrick learning to cook for the family and getting really good at it like he does anything he hyper-focuses on. Patrick finally having a home with the two people he loves most and figuring out how to create some routine and stability for himself within that container.
The love in that home. Ugh. I think it’s possible! I think they can do it! It just takes work.
#challengers#a TRUE throuple#patrick zweig#tashi duncan#art donaldson#I need a fic that does THIS#Cause the fucking is the easy part#artrick#patrick x tashi#tashi x art#artashi#art x patrick x tashi#ot3#if tashi and patrick could actually communicate#and if art and tashi figure out their shit furreal#musings
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Father!figure Joel random headcanons with fem!reader?
(now that I'm reading my request again it sounds pretty vague :/ I'm gonna try to tell some ideas or details. So, would be cool to see how joel cares about reader's hobbies like bringing her new things, what does he do when reader gets sad, or when someone in town is messing with her, how does he reacts when reader shows him affection like making him a gift or hugs him or kisses his cheek, or how does he teases her when she's shy of some subject, etc)
I love this! Especially since I see Joel more in a platonic way.
Joel Miller father headcanons
Joel would be TERRIFIED to be a father again.
After losing Sara he kept living with the feeling that something bad is going to happen to you too.
Even so, nothing is going to harm you while Joel's there ,and he's always there for you.
He had a hard time accepting you as his newly adopted daughter,but once he made peace with himself? Best dad ever.
You like drawing? He left a box with a ton of art supplies.
He found them a while ago but didn't know at that time that you like art.
You enjoy music? He got you your own guitar,which also comes with music lessons only from him.
He knows how much you like listening to him singing,so it became a habit for him to sing to you,and once you gain more experience you'll be able to sing with him.
Maybe you like reading, Joel makes sure to bring you to this huge library,a bit far from Jackson but it's totally worth it.
You returned home with toons of books to occupy your time.
It doesn't matter which hobby you have, he will always be there to support it.
One thing I learned from the show,is that Joel likes hiking.
He used to do that with Sara when things were still okay, so when he started this with you it felt like a part of him healed.
When exploring a new place,he found an old shop full of video cameras and photo camera,and so he started collecting photos of you two. He even made an album where he keeps the photos with you.
If there was a fire that would be the main thing he would save.
When you got older he became more protective. He knew those Jackson boys barely wait for a new girl to get with. Well not this girl,not his little girl.
If you're queer,he would be completely oblivious. My man doesn't have a gaydar,not in the slightest.
If you would hang out with a girl pretty often he would just assume you're best friends or something along the lines.
Now if he accidentally saw you kiss with said girl? S-H-O-C-K.
Joel's not homophobic,don't get him wrong,but he just never expected it. And never actually saw it coming.
But if he saw you and a boy kiss,he's all protective father mode on.
Of course he's not a meat head, he'll understand that you have the right to a relationship just as much as anyone,but that doesn't mean he's also fond of the idea of a boy around you.
He'll only accept it for your happiness,but if that guy ever hurts you? Oh well, it's not his fault for what's about to happen.
Fortunately he trusts you can pick the right person, whether they're a girl or a boy.
At times when you're sick he can't help but remember Sara, he'd also remember how worried he would be for his daughter,the same worry that he feels for you.
He makes sure you stay inside and makes you drink and take the pills the doctor prescribed for you,even if you don't like it.
If you ever return from outside hurt, expect to never hear the end of it. For some time he wouldn't let you leave Jackson, mostly because of his fear of anything happening to you again.
But he's not that kind of Father,so after a while he will reluctantly give you permission to go outside Jackson again.
Movie nights.
Joel finds those old DVDs with movies he used to watch before the apocalypse,and he just loves rewatching them with you.
You'll be all snuggled up in his chest,head right where his heart beat, everything reminding him of his movie nights with Sara after a long shift at work.
Joel feels really happy and fulfilled that you trust him enough to be this vulnerable around him. Especially since this world is cruel and full of dangers.
He's dead set to never let anything or anyone lay a finger on you,even if it costs him his life.
.
.
My daddy issues are sueing me.
#joel tlou#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel#joel tlou2#joel headcanons#joel miller headcanon#tlou#tlou headcanons#reader#x reader#platonic#father x daughter#tlou2#the last of us x reader#fluff#fluff headcanons#fluff imagine
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Barely Holding On
Pairing:Newt x female reader
Summary:When Newt finds you hurting yourself he goes from angry to looking after and comforting you.
⚠️ Self harm ⚠️
I don't feel normal. I don't feel like I can do as much as anyone else. I don't feel good enough. I just feel so empty, so absolutely worthless. It's as though I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode and hurt everything around me at any moment.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to be frustrated all the time. I don't want to always wonder if there's something particular messed up in my head. I just want everything to finally feel alright. Not even good. Just normal. Just okay.
I never do. Sure. Sometimes I feel nonchalant or happy when something good happens, but it never lasts.
I didn't bother to try to get clean. Nobody even notices so it doesn't matter anyway. Not only that but when they heal they itch until all I can think about is the cuts littering my skin.
I was supposed to be hanging out with Chuck. I said I would spend Greenie night with him. I want to. I do. I do want to be out there with him, with the Gladers, with my few friends, having a carefree time. I thought I would be able to.
I wasn't. I barely got halfway through the evening before my head kept reminding me that there's a knife waiting for me back under my cot.
"I don't feel very good,"I told him. It isn't even a lie. If I don't cut in the next few minutes, I'm going to start hyperventilating. I need it. I just do. I don't want to, but if I don't get it everything will be ruined.
"But you said-"
"I'll see you tomorrow. Probably. I have to leave though,"I rushed out, standing up before he could actually question me. Resisting the urge to sprint, I kept my hands in my pockets as I walked to my hut. Even though every single foot feels like a million miles I can't be suspicious. I can't, I can't, I can't.
With my heart racing inside of my chest, I didn't dare let my body weigh itself down. My feet need to move. Every part of me needs to move. Every part of me is frozen while also being on autopilot. Absolutely none of it makes sense, but it also does. It does to me. To my messed up brain, all of this is logical.
Bursting into my hut, I was shaking as I slammed the door shut. Ignoring the way I could hardly see through the tears clouding my vision or maybe too messed up to actually notice, I forced my feet one after the other to my cot.
Leaning over, I didn't even have to look to know exactly where the knife was placed. Gripping the handle firmly, I pulled it out from its hidden in plain sight place. You can't really see it when you're in my room, but it's always there. Once you know it is, it takes up more space than any other object, even me.
As I held it the tears just seemed to stop. Everything inside of me stopped. Something in me went cold, almost dark. Numb. It was just numb.
Pulling up my sleeves, I revealed the rows of growing cuts and scars. It started monthly, but now it seems to grow daily. It's taken over my life. Sometimes I realize that, but when I'm doing it some part of me doesn't know anything at all.
Dragging it across one of the few areas that was untouched by darkness, I watched as the blood dripped down my skin. It's as though this is all happening in third person, as if it's not even me doing this anymore.
The sting takes longer to set in now. I think I'm adjusting to the pain or something. That means I either have to either cut longer or deeper. Not enough to die. I don't want to die. I just need my mind to calm down. That's all this is. This is my only hope left of actually holding on.
As I crossed over a fresh cut I winced. Realizing that was the ticket to pain, I went over that spot again and again. By now the shouts of the Gladers and yells of happiness were tuned out. Everything is. Everything but the pain and the blood.
Tears started to fall as the self loathing came back. I could be out there, fulfilling my promise. Instead, I've locked myself in here to cut. It's so messed up. It's all wrong. I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I hate this. I hate this, but it's the only way to keep stable. It's killing every part of me, but if I don't do this I'll genuinely lose it. I can't lose it. I can't. Not here. This is better than the alternatives. It's better, and it's fine, and nobody will know.
"Y/N?"Newt asked, knocking on my door. As I was brought back to reality I slowly looked at the damage.
It had fallen down my arms, getting crimson drops on my pants. There were blood splatters on the ground. My actual wrist was more of a mess than my head. You could hardly see my skin through all the blood.
"Y/N?"
"Don't come in,"I choked out, letting the knife clank to the floor.
"Are you okay?"
"Go away,"was all I could get out as I shoved it as far under my bed as possible. Frantically tugging my sleeves up, I was shaking as the blood dripped through. Wiping my eyes, I desperately looked around for something to fix it. Something to cover the disaster.
"Are you okay-"
"Leave me alone!"I demanded, my voice unsteady and unsure.
"What's happeni-"
"Leave!"I screamed louder, attempting to wipe my sleeves against my pants only to get the stain to spread. Sitting back on my bed, I kept pathetically continuing the act anyways, running out of options.
"I'm coming in-"
"No!"
Ignoring my protests, he opened my door to see me sitting there, my feet over the edge of the bed and my long sleeves stained with blood. As he just stood there in shock the door closed on his own behind him, leaving us there with nothing but my self destruction.
"I-I can't-"
"What is wrong with you?"He asked slowly, the situation seeming to sink in.
"I-I don't-"
"No seriously? What is wrong with you? You're supposed to be out there, with everyone? How are you in here? How?"
"I didn't mean-I'm sor-"
"No! How could you?! I have asked if you are okay! I have been worried about you, and you always say you're fine! Every! Damn! Time!"
With the tears streaking my face, I unconsciously dug my nails into the little bit of my exposed skin, ripping into the cuts.
"You've said you're okay! You said everything was fine but you're in here doing this! For how long?! How bloody long?!"
With sobs leaving the back of my throat, my nails dug deeper into my fresh wound as I started shaking. This wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't.
"Do you think this is fine?! Do you think this is okay?! Do you think it's fine to sit in the dark and cut yourself?! Do you?!"
Frantically shaking my head, I cried harder as I sputtered out weak apologies. Despite this I seemed physically incapable of pulling my nails from my cuts. I just clawed at myself as all the emotions hit me like a tidal wave.
"I'm sorry, love,"He said gently, everything about him suddenly seeming soft. Mumbling incoherent things, I buried my face in my hands. "It's okay. It's okay,"He coaxed, sitting in front of me. Cautiously taking my hands, he pulled them away from him and into his.
"I'm sorry,"I got out.
"It's okay. I promise. I'm not really mad at you. I just didn't expect this. I didn't know you were struggling this badly."
"I'm sorry,"I repeated, physically incapable of saying anything else.
"I'm not angry. I just didn't know you were doing this. I didn't know you were feeling this bad, and I panicked. I love you. I really do,"He whispered.
"I didn't know what else to do. Every part of me feels wrong. Something inside of me is broken, Newt. Truly broken,"I admitted through shaky breaths.
"You aren't broken, Y/N. You're hurting, but you aren't broken. You are full of good. You're full of amazing things, and I'm sorry you can't see that. I'm sorry you thought this was your only way to feel okay,"He whispered, lacing his fingers through mine.
"I don't want to be this way. I don't, but it seems to be all I know. In only a few months, this became everything that I am,"I admitted.
"It isn't all you are though. Just because you're doing something you shouldn't, just because you found something negative and mistook it for coping, doesn't mean it's everything that you are. You are an incredible human who has done nothing but make this place better. There's a reason Chuck was so excited to hang out with you tonight. There's a reason Minho likes to stop and say hi to you before he leaves. There's a reason I love you. You're brilliant, and you deserve better than what you're giving yourself,"He whispered, cupping my face. Wiping my tears away, he looked at me with nothing less than sympathy, undeniable pain, and pure love.
"I never thought it would get this far,"I murmured.
"I'm sure you didn't. That doesn't mean we won't figure it out though,"He coaxed, a bittersweet smile on his lips.
"Every part of me is exhausted. I'm just so drained,"I admitted. Still wiping my tears, he nodded in understanding.
"Then, we'll sleep it off right now. We're gonna go to sleep, I'm gonna hold you, and we'll figure it all out in the morning. Okay?"
"Yes. Okay,"I agreed.
With me still in his arms, we laid down. Pulling my sleeve up, he took my one without the new injuries and pressed his lips to my scars. Shutting my eyes, I let the tears fall down my face as he kissed the ruined parts of me.
"I'll love you forever. I've loved you for so long, and I love you now. No matter how you may see yourself, I will always see you as the most amazing person, the kindest human, and the most beautiful girl in the world,"He whispered.
Cuddling up as close as I could without closing my arms, I rested my head on his chest. Kissing my temple, he whispered sweet nothings until I dozed off.
♡ - - - ♡
When I woke up the next morning it was in Newt's arms. He had still been carefully holding me. He had been wide awake, looking after me.
We left before anyone could see. He snuck me into the Med-hut so he could fix me up. He wiped my cuts, old and new. He kissed my skin and told me it would be okay. He disinfected my arms and wrapped them in bandages.
The thing that stuck out most was that he had given me his bracelets. He told me that whenever I thought I needed to hurt myself but couldn't find him, to look at these and remember that I will never be alone. He made sure they would stay.
He understandably hadn't left me alone today. He was by my side, making sure I wasn't a current danger to myself. He didn't do anything big which only made me more grateful for him. He kept a subtle eye on me, smiling whenever he met my gaze, holding my hand when he was able to, and whispering reassuring words in my ear.
Alby needed him for a moment. Something about a Second-in-command duty.
"Will you be okay for a minute, love?"He checked.
"I will,"I promised.
"Okay. I'll be back soon,"He promised, kissing my temple before going to see what he needed.
Getting back to planting the seeds, I made sure the dirt was firmly packed.
"It seems like he's just obsessed with you today,"Someone drew out. Looking up, I saw James. He wasn't known for kind words so needless to say him speaking to me randomly was a red flag.
"He's just being loving,"I said quickly, about to chew the inside of my cheek before catching myself. Looking at the bracelets, I smiled for a second.
"His bracelets, huh?"
"Yep. They were just a gift,"I muttered, standing up so that he was no longer towering over me.
"Really? Let me see?"
"No!"I said quickly as he grabbed my wrist. Wincing at the contact his hand made, I held it to my chest as a sound of pain left my mouth. While it was only for a second, it was enough for him to notice. That and I had almost yelled, catching some nearby bystanders attention.
"Oh, I get it,"He smirked.
"Leave me alone,"I demanded.
"He wants to make sure you don't hurt yourself, doesn't he?"He guessed, trying to pull the bracelet off again. Keeping my arms pressed to my sides, I repeated for him to just leave me alone as I willed myself not to cry in front of everyone. I can't. I won't.
"Awe. You gonna go hurt yourself again?"
"What do you think you're doing?"a familiar and now cold voice asked. Looking back, I saw Newt walking up before standing beside me, his eyes narrowed and arms crossed over his chest.
"Chill. I was just joking,"He defended, his hands in his air.
"No. That was you being a prick. Nothing more, nothing less,"He corrected.
"But-"
"Come with me. Now,"He demanded, his voice calm yet furious.
"I didn't-"
"Now,"He repeated even firmer. Realizing there was no way out of it, he followed Newt past the gardens. Looking back, he made sure he was still going. When he was, he led him in front of the pit. "In, now,"He commanded, opening one of them and gesturing him inside.
"But-"
"Did I say it was up for debate? Get inside. Right. Now,"He repeated.
Once again realizing he couldn't actually get out of punishment, he hopped inside, his head down and face hidden in shame. The second he hit the ground he slammed it shut and tied it tighter than I think it's ever been. Even from here, I could see his jaw clenched.
When he was sure it was alright he walked away, his head held high. Standing beside me again, he grabbed my hand as if nothing happened.
"Come on. Let's go on lunch,"He suggested. Nodding my head, I intertwined our fingers as I kept myself pressed against him, ignoring the way my face heated up.
Heading over to the kitchen, he asked Fry if we could get our food early. With a smile and no questions, he served us, giving a polite nod.
Taking both the bowls, he led me a little bit into the Deadheads. By now everyone was back to their previous activities, not wanting to pry on whatever that was.
Sitting beside him, I rested my head on his shoulder as he handed me my bowl. Knowing that all I wanted right now was silence and his company, he let us do nothing but eat and savor the others presence, exactly the way I needed.
#newt x you#newt x y/n#newt x reader#newt tmr#tmr newt#newt maze runner#maze runner newt#the maze runner#tmr#oneshot#newt oneshot#angsty#tw sh related#hurt/comfort
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I never really understood when people talked about "the pain" of falling in love with fictional characters. I've had crushes on fictional characters before. I knew people fell in love with fictional characters. Those people described their feelings as beyond a crush and that they truly, genuinely in love with their character. But I never really related to those feelings. Not until Astarion.
I know this post is gonna sound silly to some but I actually teared up a lil writing this lol.
It's kinda crazy to experience this feeling for the very first time at my age. Maybe it's because of the video game romance aspect, which I had never really experienced before bg3. Maybe it was because I met Astarion at a time in my life where I was desperately lonely and isolated.
I was very much in my trauma of something terrible that had happened to me a few years prior that I'm still healing from and will carry with me for the rest of my life. I was abandoned by my friends and family in this crisis and left to pick up these pieces. I lost the opportunity to fulfill some of my biggest dreams. I generally felt broken, ugly, and unlovable.
And then this beautiful man comes into my life and makes me smile and laugh so much more than I've smiled or laughed in literal YEARS. He's this delightful combination of vampire tropes I adore that just tickles me and makes me hang onto his every word.
His flirting is over the top and silly, sure. But I can't help but fall for it because he calls me "darling" and "beautiful" and like....I've literally NEVER flirted with by ANYONE I felt attracted to before. I know a lot of people criticize Astarion fans who fall for his flirting right away for "falling for the act," but it's hard not to when you're not used to feeling desired. For once in my life, it felt nice to be desirable.
And of course, the more I found out about him, the more and more I fell in love with him and wanted to do everything I could for him. Finding every little way to get approval from him in the game. Finding every conversation you could have with him. Dressing him up. Leveling him up and making him stronger. Romancing him. Killing his abuser with him. Freeing him. Finally completing his quest and then getting that last scene with him at the epilogue.
It was after the epilogue scene that I realized I couldn't get enough of him. Thst I was actually MISSING him when I wasn't playing the game. And worse, I started wishing I could literally experience the relationship my Tav has with him. That I he could look at me like that, kiss me like, hold me like that.
I started thinking I really wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to find a nice, sweet, funny bi/pansexual man I could get to know. I downloaded a dating profile. But it didn't take very much time swipping through profiles before I realized I wasn't really looking for any boyfriend. I was looking for an Astarion in the guys on this app. I ultimately felt like it wasn't fair to them to hold them to that expectation.
So I gave up on the idea of dating for now (I have other things going on in life that make that hard, but yeah). My desire to find Astarion in someone else wouldn't end well, probably. I still feel such a strong love and desire for him it actually hurts my heart.
Even so it still took me a LONG time to admit I actually LOVE Astarion, and that this isn't just a regular crush. I didn't WANT to be in love with a fictional character. But after failing to connect with anyone on the dating app I realized this went deeper than just wanting a relationship. This was about wanting a SPECIFIC relationship, one that had serious limitations compared to a "regular" romance.
I know he's not real. And that's part of where the pain comes from. I desperately wish he was real. Or at least a version of him who's in a more healthy, healed place and ready for a relationship. I know one day I might be able to find someone who's somewhat like him. But I'm too afraid I don't have enough to offer a real person for a real relationship right now. I don't know if I ever will be. I know Astarion will always be there for me, though. At least in my heart.
It is painful to be in love with a fictional character. But I do think that is what I feel for Astarion. I think about him every day. He makes me smile and laugh. I picture a life with him all the time. And the joy I receive from thinking about him FEELS like him loving me back.
Astarion has even motivated me to improve myself for the better, somewhat. I make an effort to take care of myself more partially because I feel like he would judge me if I didn't lol.
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in the spirit of the season (mutuals posting about their encanto aus) i wanted to post about mine bc i love them and am not active enough on here and wanna change that bc sharing my stuff is fun! so without further ado here they are lol
next gen au
pretty self explanatory. the story outlines what all the madrigals (mostly the grandkids) are up to in the years following the movie. mirabel gradually takes on more of a leadership role as time passes and eventually becomes the matriarch after alma's death and with enough time to prepare for the role. under her leadership, the madrigals are less shoehorned into roles and are encouraged to express themselves more freely, but being the leader still isn't easy and things still aren't perfect - while alma is still alive, mirabel often finds herself going to her for advice and repairing their bond further in the process. she also gets a gf (lorena), i've been playing around with the idea of her being an outsider that finds her way into the encanto but i would have to flesh that plot out a little more before i make it official. dolores eventually marries mariano, but only on her terms - she realizes quickly after the movie that though she loves mariano, she wants to take things slow, and mariano is more than happy to respect that. he puts in a lot of effort to understand how her gift works and help her out with it whenever he can, and for once, she feels like the one being heard. isabela, now free of her old role as the golden child, begins to let her more adventurous side out, exploring the outskirts and forests of the encanto to observe the plant life. she hones her gift and is able to bring even more exotic plant species to the encanto and starts up a very successful garden. she also ends up marrying two village women - lilli and rosa - and the three of them adopt a daughter, jacinda, together and spoil her rotten. lilli runs a flower shop and isa helps her out immensely with this. luisa finally learns to take it easy, prioritizing rest and relaxation after so many years of working hard to serve the community - though she definitely still loves to lift and hang out with the donkeys in her spare time bc old habits die hard. she probably takes over the care and raising of the donkeys as a whole bc they love her. she marries a village woman, inés, and they adopt two daughters, valentina and ciela. camilo is actually the first grandkid to settle down - he marries his childhood best friend and love of his life marco, and the two of them have six children together - amelia, imelda, brunito, ignacio, felipe, and sofia. they have their hands quite full with fatherhood but on top of that marco works as a teacher at the encanto's school while camilo continues to volunteer in the community, eventually becoming the drama director and soccer coach for the school. antonio grows up and starts his own animal sanctuary in the encanto that becomes wildly successful. he enlists dolores' help to scope out any injured or sick animals in the forests and nurses them back to health at the sanctuary, and he often accompanies isa on her trips to the forest to keep taxonomy records of the encanto's diverse wildlife. he never had much of an interest in romance - though plenty of people swoon over his kindness to the animals - but he is very fulfilled nonetheless and couldn't be happier helping take care of his animal friends. i have a more detailed timeline and bios for the kids that i'll be posting eventually but this is the main rundown of where the grandkids are at years down the line!
swap
essentially follows the plot of the movie but the sides of the family swap roles. instead of alma, pedro is the head of the family. pepa has the gift of healing food and felix is her clumsy husband, camilo is the golden child with the wonderful floral gift, dolores is the middle child with the gift of super strength, and antonio is the baby of his side of the family, cursed to a giftless existence (and being the main character of the storyline). on the other side of the family, julieta's emotions control the weather while agustin keeps her calm, luisa is the eldest with the ability to hear a pin drop from miles away, isabela is the mischievous shapeshifting middle child, and mirabel is the youngest member of the family and gains the ability to speak with animals. bruno is still bruno. did i make this au entirely to put camilo in pretty pink outfits and make him a mean annoying gay? maybe.
pirates
the warm color family is a fearsome and renowned pirate crew descended from the notorious husband-wife pirate duo alma and pedro madrigal (the latter is dead and the former has long since retired), with pepa as the captain and felix as the first mate. pepa was estranged from her mother and siblings in her youth as she attempted to learn more about her parents' past, and she soon set out on her own to live the pirate life that alma tried so hard to keep her children out of. in the meantime, julieta and her family form their own rival crew and set sail in search of pepa to take their vengeance. bruno tries his best to be a good mama's boy and stay home, but he is soon taken hostage by the fearless captain hernando, a legendary pirate who has feuded with both madrigal sisters and their crews for a while now. he grows rather fond of his bargaining chip over time and bruno eventually becomes the captain's lover and first mate. when the sisters finally put aside their squabbles and unite to save their brother from their enemy's clutches, it's a very awkward family reunion. also everyone has their gifts and uses them to help their crew in one way or another. eventually when the two sides of the family unite, the grandkids take up a ship of their own with mirabel as the new captain.
roommates
marco and camilo are college roommates with luca and alberto. that's literally it no linear plot just vibes. luca is a first year astronomy student, alberto is a second year student and undeclared, marco and camilo are third years and marco is majoring in education while being on the soccer team and camilo is majoring in theatre (🤢). alberto and camilo despise each other but also camilo is lowkey crushing. camilo and marco are already dating and alberto and luca are also definitely together but heavily in denial about it. they fight over dishes being left in the sink and decorate their dorm all cute
the fall
wrote a ten chapter fic about this one so read that if you wanna know what it entails but tl;dr au where the family never recovers after the fall of casita and they go their separate ways, with dolores camilo and isa fully moving out, their whereabouts unknown - until, ten years later, mirabel takes it upon herself to track them down, reunite the family once and for all, and save the miracle for real this time. will she succeed? what have the runaways all been up to over these past ten years? read it and find out i'm not telling you! also this fic/au is quite old compared to the others so no marco 😔 fly high king
mamma mia
the silliest dumbest most self indulgent au ever. camilo centric of course. the storyline is literally just mamma mia but with camilo. he has twin daughters and one of them (ima) is getting married and wants to invite her other biological father to the wedding - the only problem is she doesn't know who that is, and if camilo's old diary describing all his old hookups in detail is to be believed, there's three possibilities - marco osma, dante velazquez, and nicolas sorelli (the latter two are ocs, i'll probably post their bios at some point lol also nicolas is trans so he's definitely not the other dad but he's stealth so he's just going along for the ride). she invites all three of them to her wedding and they reunite with camilo for the first time in twenty years. drama ensues. camilo marries marco at the end regardless of if he's the dad or not (but he probably is - they never find out for sure). isa is tanya (so lilli is pepper ofc) and mirabel is rosie (except she doesn't end up with one of the dads at the end bc she actually respects herself). ima's fiancées identity is yet to be determined bc i don't have a partner oc for her but i do know she's a lesbian so. gay greek weddings! camilo in overalls! love wins!
runaway camilo
this one is a rewrite of the canon plot to a degree but not really enough to be considered a full on au. plays with the scrapped concept of camilo looking completely different after the fall of casita that didn't make it into the final movie, which is like one of my favorite concepts ever especially because of how easily it plays into trans camilo. in this rewrite, camilo has basically used his gift to masculinize himself perpetually since his ceremony, which all but cures his dysphoria - that is, until casita falls, he loses the gift he had become dependent on, and it all blows up in his face. he's unrecognizable when the dust clears, and rather than be seen in such a state, he flees the scene and goes missing just around the same time as mirabel. the family is split as pepa and felix go looking for their son while the cool color family goes looking for mirabel, and both are found within a few days - camilo in the depths of the forest, skin scraped and clothes ragged from running into the forest with reckless abandon, practically digging his own grave and ready to give up for good. when he's found, it takes a LONG time for him to allow anyone to see him, much less recover from the trauma. the rewrite basically involves these events and the aftermath. luckily camilo does get his gift back when casita is rebuilt but the scars are forever and he probably still has nightmares about losing his gift well into adulthood and has to learn to become comfortable going without his gift for short bouts of time in order to get more comfortable lest the worst case scenario happens again! more or less a transmilo angst fest add-on to the main plot of the movie. mimi needs a hug 💔
#encanto#encanto au#encanto next gen#encanto fankids#disney encanto#next gen madrigals#madrigal family#dolores madrigal#camilo madrigal#mirabel madrigal#bruno madrigal#pepa madrigal#felix madrigal#antonio madrigal#isabela madrial#luisa madrigal#alma madrigal#pedro madrigal#marco osma#luca pixar#luca paguro#alberto scorfano#luberto#marcmilo#idk what else all to tag this i'll probably add more later lel#trans camilo madrigal#julieta madrigal#agustin madrigal
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(long ass post just me rambling about a new lawlu fic idea. t/w for discussion of addiction and sui attempt. feel free to keep on scrolling.)
Writing a new modern au about Law becoming an addict after Shachi, Penguin, and Bepo died in an accident coming to pick him up. It's inevitably going to be a healing LuLaw story, Luffy finding him in his apartment by sheer luck after he decided to end his life on the one-year anniversary of their deaths. Luffy is in his hospital room when he wakes up, a cute stranger who he discovers is his neighbor and also a firefighter. Luffy declares that he's going to be his friend which makes no sense to Law, why would a guy like him with such a good life want to be friends with a pathetic junkie freak who just tried to off himself? What he doesn't know is that Luffy knows what it's like to lose the most important people to you, to feel so alone and not know how you're going to go on. Only Luffy did go on. He built a new family for himself, a home, and a life where he could be happy and he wants Law to do the same.
The first chapter was one of the darker, more emotional things I've written, detailing Law's relationship with death and how he is convinced everyone he ever cares for will die because they all have died. He falls into despair and tries to die once but can't go through with it. He turns to alcohol, finding that it numbed the voices in his head that screamed at him every waking moment. So the decline begins, Law becoming a street rat alcoholic who goes to grimy bars, going home with any guy whose willing to fuck him until it hurts, the pain overwhelming everything in his head. Alcohol turns to club drugs which turn to opiates and he's just a shell of a human at this point.
I think there's beauty in the rise from your lowest low to your highest high (not a drug high, just happiness). Law needs a reason to stay. Luffy becomes that reason, someone who understands him, who he almost hates in a way because he was able to pull himself out of the trenches when Law couldn't. Law decides to get clean once he wakes up in the hospital, deciding to give life one last try before he calls it quits for good. Luffy declares he's going to be there for him every step of the way and after some thought, Law lets him only because he knows can't be alone anymore. He'll use Luffy as a crutch he clearly needs until he's fulfilled his purpose, and then he'll just dispose of him.
He's shocked to find that Luffy is just a good person, unlike anyone he's ever encountered. Sure, he's pretty brutally honest, almost chastising Law for not even trying to move on but he's totally right, Law never did try, he just gave up. He has this way of somehow just knowing how Law is feeling even without him saying a word. He brings him gifts in few days he's in the hospital, cleans his apartment that had fallen into an absolute shit hole while Law was an addict, and when Law comes home he basically just moves in even though he only lives down the hall. He doesn't want Law to be alone, to fall back into his addiction. He introduces him to his friends and is active in his treatment even going to his first NA meeting with him so he doesn't have to go by himself.
He's exactly Law's type and he's maddeningly charming, openly affectionate and flirtatious right off the bat which just confuses Law. He convinces himself that it's just the kind of person Luffy is, some people are just like that but there's no way he's actually attracted to him... right? He's still down horrendous for him from the very start though, and Luffy doesn't make this any better, sending him shirtless pictures of him and little flirty messages like 'wish you were here ;)'. (Law's a degen and Luffy is totally aware of what he's doing but he just likes Law and wants him to know it).
Their strange friendship grows and evolves while Law deals with the harsh reality of what it means for him to be sober. One day Luffy kisses him, things get intense and Law is fucking TERRIFIED. He can't care about someone again, can't watch them die like everyone else and know it's all his fault. He pushes Luffy away but he won't go. He loves Law and he's going to do anything it takes to make sure Law accepts that fucking love. He does, of course. He's wanted this from the beginning but he was just too scared of what it would mean to love someone for the first time, to admit it aloud. Law overcomes his addiction, begins to process his losses, and Luffy becomes his Reason to Stay.
(If you don't care about my personal shit feel free to stop here and enjoy this random summary headcanon thing I unintentionally wrote. This is just this week's episode of me oversharing but maybe it'll help someone who has been in similar situations idk.) I decided to write this story for purely personal reasons. About 7 years ago the person I was dating was an addict and although I did everything I could to try and get them the help they desperately needed after I saved them from overdosing the first time, but it wasn't enough and they ended up dying a few months later. I was also doing various drugs at the time, though only recreationally, and was thankfully able to stop after seeing what it did to the people around me. However, this death fucked me up and I blamed myself to the point it drove me to become an alcoholic just to help cope with the pain. Things are much better now and it took many years but I've finally been able to process everything. Writing is therapeutic for me and I always wanted to write a story about addiction and loss but I wasn't sure how it would do it. I guess I found it now?
At the end of the day, I wasn't enough of a reason for that person to stay but what if there was a world where someone was? I wanted to explore that concept with my favorite ship and somehow this beast was created in my fucked up little head. I'm looking forward to the very fulfilling and heart-warming journey of Law healing and falling in love with our favorite loyal puppy dog Luffy :)
#before you say ANOTHER story? yes. another story. i have problems.#it's staying in the drafts for awhile though#needs time to marinate#was just frothing at the mouth to talk about it#lawlu#lulaw#lawlu fanfiction#yo to the like 2 people who read this#honestly this post is just for me to remember wtf my plans are with this story
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So I’ve been wanting to read the rest of the royal ranger series and figured I’d reread the main series first as it’s been around six years since I first found them, after reading the first book I’m just so glad that it holds up to how fantastic it was the first time and I have ALOT to say.
-The way that Will and Horace grow so much in just the first book, I mean we have Will whose main defence is running and finding a hiding spot but is still witty and a fast thinker to a brave resourceful determined young man. The training my boy is put through is ROUGH but he doesn’t even think of trying to get out of it or wishing he wasn’t a rangers apprentice, we get to see as he matures and simply grows into himself just…the steadiness he has in him by the end of the book, he has a long way to go but we get a glimpse at the man he’ll become.
Horace has an even greater arc, we see him as a simple minded bully (which he absolutely is in those early chapters) but then we see that he’s a natural swordsman who has his own insecurities. We then watch as he’s confronted with the trio of bullies and still unsure of the traditions and usual ways of battle school we see as he soldiers through taking their shit and STILL managing to keep up to a degree, the way that it still affects his school work and social life was perfectly depicted like on harvest day where he lashed out at those he cares about was brilliant but also him not keeping up with school work which when the issue is taken care of becomes much easier for him. But through it all we get to see as he matures, now he isn’t that bully we saw at the start he is a talented loyal friend who is willing to try and take down a boar to keep someone he’s been awful to safe and then witnessing Will do the same for him, making a promise that he soon fulfils regardless of his own injuries
Just watching Will and Horace, these two boys going from school yard enemies to the mature young men who would absolutely die for the other by the end of the book was fantastic, there was no force behind it like it felt so natural and easy once they were able to actually see the other and how far they both had come since the choosing, and it isn’t perfect there’s still tension but they’re friends
- speaking of the boar attack, when Will shoved his face into halts chest and cried? I sobbed as well, absolute puddle of a mess because of course Will would cling to halt after such a terrifying ordeal, and halt just?? Comforting him??? Like the heart attack this man must of had watching his son apprentice facing down a massive boar with a bow and two knives, that hug absolutely healed something in halt John told me so himself.
- I remember originally reading the books at age 12-14 and not comprehending why Will asking so many questions annoyed halt but now at the age of 20? I get it, I finally understand this poor tired middle aged man. Though the absolute dead pan wit this Halt gives Will with each interaction made me wheeze.
- Can I just say, Will meeting Tug? Like he has no idea that he's just met one of his most loyal dedicated companions, just them meeting and growing such a strong bond so quickly I mean the way Will was TERRIFIED when Tug came to his defence during the boat attack and Will could only think of the injuries Tug could get, Tug would not have been Wills horse for long at that point maybe a few months at most and already Will is so attached.
- Gilan, it's wild to think about the fact I'm now around his age? Like he's actually so young????? I just love his dynamic with halt, the respect he shows him while also being the little shit he is is perfect, and the big brotherly way he is around will I just know he's so proud and impressed by this little 15 year old, he absolutely has asked himself if he was ever that silly as halts apprentice (the answer is yes)
-Old bob is a national treasure, I know that man has hit halt on the upside of his head at least once, feel it in my bones
- JUST WILL CHOOSING HALT OVER HIS LIFELONG DREAM I know Halt was holdin tears l just know it, like everyone knew just how much Will wanted to be a knight and yet when offered HE DECLINED because he loves his dad
Thank you for coming to my ted talk
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CANON REWRITE VERSE: KLAUS IS CURED.
this is quite literally based on a dream i had last night, but it's a concept i've wanted to play with for a while. for now all i have are a few bullet points, but once i get the full verse fleshed out, it will be in my doc.
katherine never gives the cure to elijah in S4 of TVD. instead, the both of them hatch a plan to use it on klaus. elijah wants klaus to experience humanity again in a very long winded and roundabout way of getting to klaus's redemption. elijah feels that if klaus is human (as human as he can be), it might lead to actual change in his brother. katherine obviously wants klaus to be human for much more selfish reasons, but it's justified given everything he's done to her.
the plan gets delayed because of hayley getting pregnant. elijah wants to back out because having klaus as a hybrid is more protection for his child, and he believes that the child itself could be klaus's redemption. katherine convinces elijah that as he is, klaus would not be a good parent, but he might be if he were solely a werewolf. her argument is that immortality gives klaus an out, he can always say "i'll fix it later, i have forever" but his kid doesn't have forever; they're going to grow up and he will miss all of it if he puts it off. elijah agrees.
after S2 of the originals is when elijah gives the cure to klaus. with the esther, mikael, and dahlia drama, elijah had put it off again. klaus needed to be able to protect hope to the best of his ability, but after esther and dahlia are killed, elijah puts the cure in a glass of wine and toasts to 'new beginnings' with klaus. klaus passes out and wakes up no longer a vampire.
OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS:
my headcanon for klaus's physical age is 22. he will begin aging from there.
because i hate the plot point that once the cure is gone from your blood, you age rapidly and die within a few weeks, i'm removing it. i think it would be fun to have silas come after klaus, so to keep tvd canon canon, he can do that, get the cure from klaus's blood, and be on his merry lil sewer side way.
because he is no longer a hybrid, klaus's blood no longer heals werewolf bites for vampires. however, due to this headcanon of mine, there is still some of his hybrid blood to spare for emergencies.
beatrice (or freya in verses where bee doesn't exist) makes a moonlight ring for klaus so he isn't forced to turn on every full moon, and can still shift at will.
because of how ridiculously old klaus is for a werewolf, he is still extremely strong and fast. he is stronger than a normal vampire (he would still be stronger than a vampire katherine's age) but is nowhere near as strong as his siblings are.
obviously, klaus's relationship with elijah becomes extremely strained after he's cured. during S3, he bites elijah in an attempt to fulfill the family part of lucien's prophecy, but regrets it and ends up getting some of his hybrid blood to cure elijah. he still holds a grudge though, and throws it in elijah's face quite often.
klaus can do magic now. he is not good at it, and no one wants to teach him how to be good at it in fear of what he might do with it. however, in verses where she exists -- beatrice begins trying to teach him the basics in secret, and this causes their relationship to get stronger and them to grow closer to each other. elijah finds out about this and is pleased with how well his plan is actually working.
if you'd like to interact with klaus within this verse, feel free to message me!
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The fact that Theo was able to take Gabe pain away as he dies and the parallel between the two of them is actually so amazing and I just can't be normal about it.
Like we can all agree that they are both dickheads, they've both did a lot of bad, wicked things.
They both tried and almost succed at killing Scott and his pack (Theo way more than Gabe but still we cannot forget that Gabe literally fired through Scott's house until it looks like swiss cheese)
They're both kids, so young and still so twisted by life and their own choices,
They both just human surviving into a world where one is afraid of supernatural and put his whole soul to fight it but still got betrayed by his own side leading him to not fit anywhere in the end and the other is just not able to fit anywhere by his own very way of being which he chose to become in order to obtain better (that's why i consider Theo more human than anything, he represents perfectly the way humans achived perfection and power by lies and treason), living by scratched and blurry rules and thus never actually fitting anywhere (it doesn't mean he cares or that it affects him poorly, it is just a fact)
And Theo sees that in Gabe, he sees the resemblance.
But he also sees how the way Gabe died was useless and so cruel for just a kid,
And that is their biggest common point, Theo was a kid whom got offered fairytales in real life, he got the possibility to become special, the possibility to obtain what he always wanted, he wasn't evil at birth it happens afterward as he met the wrong person and belived them. And so did Gabe, he was forced into a common feard thanks to the anuk-ite but more than that he belived in Monroe when she praised him and promised him lies of securities (what he desired the most), he listend to her and that how he found himself in the hospital in the end.
They both are kids that have been cheated on by adultes. And where Theo has been able to change, Gabe got his redemption stolen by the one who make him need to have one.
However I'm absolutly not saying they didn't know what they were doing, they did, especially Theo. But it doesn't change that none of them were fully aware of what they got themselves, at least in the beggining and Gabe was really blind to the consequences of his actions.
And that is how Theo was able to care for Gabe, not because he change so much is was able to give a shit and blah blah blah, no it's because he actually knows how bad it hurts to came back on earth after feeling invincible, he knows how it feels to be alone while there is other person around, he knows betrayal from both sides, he knows what it feels like to die alone, he knows the feeling to be kill by the hands you once trusted and deceived, he knows that no matter what Gabe did in the end he is still a kid who was afraid, a kid who just wanted more for himself.
Yes the scene also show how much Theo changed (saison 5 Theo wouldn't have gave any shite) yes he learned to not care but acknowledge others, to see a bit more than just himself, he learned what being accepted, even just a little feels like, he learned to actually appreciates compagny, he learned that life is not just fulfilling objectif but also enjoying being there, being alive.
This scene with Gabe resume all thoses changes.
He is still Theo and still does not really bother for others than himself (as we see in the scene with Mason earlier in the saison) but he now makes effort (he tried to take Mason's pain).
And in the end he took the pain of the one who feels like him, the first step to finaly healing from himself, he took the pain of the one who feels like him when he was painfully dying because Theo sees himself in Gabe and decided to help, he sees him dying like a dog, whimpering, surrounded by ennemies in the hospital (the same hospital Theo died again and again in) and help, he did to Gabe what no one ever did to him and i find that amazing.
#teen wolf#i talk way to much for nothing but like i'm to ldjkvjdbvqk by this scene everytime i see it and i needed to express myself bout it#plus i just really love Theo and it's pride month so i give my psychopath gay bitch some thought#sorry for the spelling mistake english is not my first language
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Thankfully, I have been able to move away from an abusive environment and heal a lot. However, for reasons completely unknown to me, everyone in this new place has started making me the villain of their story, no matter what I do. At school, I am accused of being a bully towards my friends, even though said friends have said time and time again I haven't bullied them. Teachers have even threatened to get me expelled for said bullying that didn't. even. happen! The parents of my friends call me a bad influence on their children for teaching them to stand up to oppression at school and at home. I feel like they just feel threatened by how I'm able to see through the bullshit and help my friends do the same. My boyfriend, one of the first people to show me consistent kindness despite my trauma symptoms, has become overly reliant on me, to the point I'm expected to act as his second mom. Whenever I refuse to, he, his parents and almost everyone else actually responsible for him gets mad at me for "not fulfilling my duties". I'm not sure what they mean? Am I really solely responsible for my boyfriend's wellbeing and safety? I can barely take care of my own. There is also no reciprocity, if I ever need help, I'm completely ignored and even ridiculed for asking.
I feel like everyone hates me and I can't figure out why. I tried really hard to be a kind and generous person, but if this is what I get, I'm tired of trying.
It sounds like there's a nasty smear campaign going around targeting you, or several of them. Someone might be telling lies about you to put you in a bad position, out-compete you, or as a form of revenge. This is something that will sometimes happen even to non-abused people, but to us it feels more personal, and more like an extension of our personal nightmares.
I think you're completely right on how nasty people are feeling threatened by you because you can see thru their bullshit, and it is in fact, common for such people to take measures to get rid of you (such as spreading lies and smear campaigns behind your back). Try figuring out where this rumor came from and who started spreading it, if you can ask people where they got this information and they admit it, you might be able to find the source and things might start making more sense.
You are not responsible for your boyfriend's well being, it sounds to me, from just this info, that he might have been kind to you at the start, (or consistently for a while) only to get you in a position where you'd feel responsible for his well being, knowing that he can turn other people against you or use sensitive information against you, the second you don't do as he wants you to. It doesn't sound like he's being kind anymore, because a kind person would not pick off an abuse victim and claim this person now responsible for my well being. He's not your baby, he's not your child, you are not responsible for his well being. And if there's no reciprocity, it's possible that this is not a good or beneficial relationship anymore, failure to reciprocate anything back, and being ridiculed for asking, is grounds for a breakup (if you decide on one, I know this isn't easy). It's also an awful thing to do to you.
I understand it's extremely frustrating and tiring to deal with all of this at once, and it feels like the situation will not get better. But, if you can isolate each one of these issues and deal with it separately, and understand it comes from separate sources that actually have nothing to do with who you are as a person, what your life is being shaped like, or what the future holds for you, it might be easier to see that this isn't a proof that life will always be awful. It might take a while to find a place where you can be only around people who see you in a human and positive way, and who would never try to make you responsible for things you cannot control, or should be responsible for. This is, however, really tough, and I'm so sorry you have so many sources of stress and guilt at once. I hope you find a place in your life where you can rest, and gather enough strength to stand for your rights and dismiss the bullshit.
It sucks to feel so hated and stressed, but you don't deserve any of it. And there will be people who will see you and appreciate you without insane expectations.
#abusive environment#smear campaigns#escaping abuse#dealing with life after abuse#aftermath of abuse#rumors and lies#pressure to caretake for your partner#who doesn't even hold basic compassion for you anymore#check if he love bombed you before#in order to get you into the relationship#but now he changed and expects everything from you instead#that is not what you agreed to
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I never used to journal digitally, but I decided this year I would try to do something a little different. So let me introduce myself and give you a little run down:
I’m Arley. I’m 24, soon to be 25. I like to read and write. I want to keep this journal as anonymous as possible so I won’t get into what I do for work specifically, but if I ever need to I will vent about my work (very much a possibility as I work with the public and the public does some stupid shit sometimes). Any other details I deem necessary will be shared as I think of them haha.
Let’s get into some really journaling now:
I’ve made it through another year and it feels a little crazy how different I feel. I started 2023 very depressed and overwhelmed. I was feeling extremely burned out in my undergrad program, but knew I just had to push through because I was due to graduate in May. I was crying every single night and to be honest, I was starting to feel how I felt in the months leading up to my pysch ward visit in 2019.
I’m happy to say I ended the year with 0 psych trips and a shiny new degree in English. I’ve also found a job I love. To be honest, it’s a little hard to reconcile who I was and how I felt in January 2023 with who I am now. I know people say your brain fully developes around the age of 25 and I truly believe my brain did a lot of cooking in the last few months. I find myself calmer and more rational. I’m able to cope with the hits as they come and I’ve settled into a since of acceptance with somethings that used to cause me a lot of distress.
Let’s talk a little bit about yearly goals. I’ve kind of grown away from New Year’s Resolutions since I was a teenager, but I’ve started making some actionable goals for myself. I wanna start by reviewing my 2023 goals and then I will present my 2024 goals.
For 2023, I wanted to:
Prioritize mental health and healing from burnout
I did this! I’ve been taking my therapy more seriously and have been talking through my feelings with my friends and family instead of suffering in silence. I took two months off between school and the start of my first job and spent that time doing things that made me feel so fulfilled. Honestly, just getting out of school made me feel 100 times better. I remember I graduated and one of my besties, we’ll call them Rena, looked at me and said “you’re glowing now that you don’t have class anymore”. It kind of shocked me how right they were and just how miserable I was grinding that way for years.
2. Learn to love writing again
The actionable part of this was simply to start writing again. I actually added over 7k words to my manuscript! However, this has kind of gone to wayside since I started working, just because I don’t have the time anymore. I’m hoping in the following year though to learn to juggle my schedule better so I can do the things I love.
3. Take more photos & videos
This was a goal because I am a deeply sentimental person and I love looking back through photos. I actually did this and I’m so happy I did because I did so much fun shit this year and I never want to forget it.
4. Read 5 nonfiction books
NOPE! I read 1. I was fighting some real demons to get to my reading goal this year, so let’s just be thankful I read anything haha
5. Read more meaningfully
This goal basically just meant to be a little more thoughtful of the books I picked up instead of reading just to hit a goal. I definitely did this and my average rating really reflected it. I picked up a lot more books I ended up loving because I was actually thinking about them instead of just doing it as a means to an end.
6. Journal once a week
……….. No comment……
Okay! Time for 2024 goals! (A lot of these are more health focused)
Stop eating out on your lunch breaks!
I only work 2-3 long shift a week, but I’ve been eating out for every single one. Not is it only a strain on my wallet, but I’ve gained weight and I just don’t feel as good. I don’t want to make any goals directly related to my weight because those tend to go awry for me (ED girly here), instead I want to make goals that prioritize general health and feeling good.
2. Go to the gym at least 2 times a week.
I’m starting with just 2 days because I fear if I make it higher, I’m going to be setting myself up for failure. I pass this gym on my way to and from work so I think it’ll be easier to convince myself to go than it used to be. I’m gunna try working out after my shifts since it’s open 24/7, but if I need to, I’ll switch it to before my shift.
3. Read 60 books
I set a reading goal every year, even if I don’t put it in my written yearly goals. My goal in 2023 was 40 and I read 63. My goal for 2022 was 52 and I ended up reading 109, so I’m not too concerned about hitting this goal.
4. Watch more movies this year
Another goal I had in 2023 that I just didn’t write down. I don’t really watch movies instead I usually just watch brain rot TV shows that require 0 attention. However, I had a good time in 2023 looking for movies to watch. I also got to watch some that had been on my list for years! I actually got really into the whole Saw franchise and I have 0 regrets. Even developed a new hyperfixation with the Scream franchise (fuck SpyGlass Entertainment and fuck Scream VII tho).
5. More trips with friends!
My friend, Alyssa, has a goal to take more day trips in 2024. Day trips, vacations, or whatever, I just want to make more memories with the people I truly love!
That’s it for now! I’ll see you when I see you.
Hum and kiss from your friend,
#digital journal#digital diary#diary entry#online diary#my diary#tumblr diary#journaling#journal entry#my journal#my digital life#my-digi-life#first post#new years resolution#new years goals#2024 goals#2023 goals#2024 resolutions#2023 resolutions
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You know I’ve pretty much am realizing that all my previous relationships (if you can even call them that) have just been limerent attachments to unavailable people (either emotionally unavailable or just like actually unavailable, or both really), and that it really hasn’t been healthy for me.
I think on some level I always knew that I was pretty much emotionally unavailable and had a bunch of attachment issues, so I just kind of avoided any kind of normal relationship, but the idea of there being someone (especially at the time when I was feeling overwhelmed) lead me to getting more attached to the idea of a person than the actual person themselves.
And I guess this wasn’t really the worst problem back when I had a healthy social circle, yeah it still held me back from having healthy relationships but I wasn’t exactly going to solve my attachment issues overnight, and I didn’t meet anybody safe enough and someone I was sure enough about to take that risk (attaching too quickly too early to the wrong person can really mess you up in the long run)
But even limerent attachments that are more imaginary than real can mess you up. I pretty much wasted two years of my life on someone I didn’t even have a relationship with and spent a majority of my time focused more on their issues than my own (which were piling up).
At first they were more of an excuse to not see anybody else, and also something to look forward to at a time when I was able to sort my life out better. Except my life wasn’t as easy to sort out as I thought, and they were a real person who was interested back not just some imaginary being.
And as time went on I didn’t realize but I was getting more and more attached to the idea of being together, and against my better judgement, let myself get attached to the actual person (who I barely knew in reality and was widely different from the idea I had gotten attached to).
And of course any attempts to make things work ended up in disaster (we were both emotionally unavailable), but at that point I was attached and losing that attachment at such a point in my life was going to be difficult, and I think what I was really worried about was that I would just transfer that attachment to someone else.
And at this point it would just sound more healthy to see someone else (and to an extent it probably would’ve been), but putting on that level of emotional attachment to someone else would’ve been extremely risky (I think anybody would be afraid of forming an intense bond with someone who is essentially a stranger), and keeping that attachment with someone unavailable was safe because they couldn’t hurt me on a deep emotional level if we never got to that phase of being in a deep emotional level with each other.
The real problem being is that this attachment (really to whoever) was fulfilling an unmet need and I really didn’t how to just let go of that attachment.
But the trade off was that I was still investing a bunch of time and energy into something that was never going to pay off, and letting go of that attachment was just an awful experience once I had finally convinced myself it was the right thing to do.
And it also stopped the both of us from going out and finding someone we could have a true connection with.
So yeah definitely wasn’t healthy, but I’m in a better place now and now am better realizing my needs so I can address them and heal in a more healthy way. Really limerence can be a sort of escape from the reality of things, and if you have a difficult time loving and accepting yourself, using an imaginary idea as a crutch can help out but will never fix the problem.
You have to learn to heal the attachment wounds, and learn to truly have love for yourself. And while that takes time, it is possible. And you will have to believe that it is possible because it will also take effort. But it’s worth it.
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Spiritual Shaman/Life Coach Darryl Elvina helps us understand the unconscious mind. Even when we think it's too late. It's 2:45 in the morning. The world is calm, but your stomach is forming. Forming an opinion. Before you even realize it, you're eating shredded cheese out of the bag in front of your fridge. As you stand there, illuminated by the cool blue freon haze, you wonder to yourself, "how did I get here?" Sure, maybe you can convince yourself that you're simply hungry, but what if it's more? What if, deep down, you're eating cold shredded cheese from the bag in front of the fridge because you feel trapped in your life. Trapped and unable to exercise control over even the smallest facets of your life. You hate this. However, you don't fully realize this. Rather, you know the things in life that have to get done in order to survive, and you do them. This feeling of resistance towards the world you've created for yourself is subtle and masked; it has to be in order to continue with the day-to-day minutia. But what if we were able to allow those complicated deep resistances to come to the surface? What if we could actually capture the complex dynamic nature of these feelings and overcome them instead of pushing them to the side? Maybe, just maybe, we could then feel less trapped and suddenly find ourselves experiencing deep-seated joy and fulfillment? Well, this fact is self-evident for Spiritual Shaman/Life Coach Darryl Elvina. With a career path that has had many winding roads and unexpected locations, Elvina firsthand has seen the value in unblocking the unconscious mind. So much value, in fact that he's made it his life goal to help others achieve the same thing. Darryl Elvina on His Process When we think of spirituality and going on a journey to find ourselves, it's easy to fall into the typical stereotypes regarding what that involves—doing ayahuasca in the South American rainforest, going to a retreat in the mountains run by a guy wearing frightfully thin pants, or traveling to India and reading Siddartha. That's not Elvina's style. Elvina has found a way to streamline the process in a way that allows people to overcome their unconscious blocks in as little as a day. For Elvina, the process starts like this. "When it comes to the energy work I do with my clients; there are three main prerequisites. One is permission to work together, and my client is open to the process. Two is the acknowledgment that the energy comes from a higher source - whether your label for it is god, the universe, the quantum, your higher self, whatever that is for you. Three is that I'm just the facilitator, the caller of the energy." Once these three conditions are met, he can finally get to work. For Elvina, however, it's important to him that his clients understand the role he plays in this process. "I don't heal others," he said, "I call energy and support them in healing themselves. Because we all have that power." From here, it all depends on where the client's unconscious mind is. We constantly build up walls and barriers as a way to keep ourselves safe from pain. Limiters. It's these limiters that Elvina takes focus on and tries to disassemble. As he puts it, "Ultimately, we're rewiring the unconscious mind for peace, performance, and success." So what does a session entail? Elvina breaks down the process well, explaining that "In a session, there's reflection over what's coming up for my client, whether that's self-sabotage, procrastination, low motivation, conflicts in relationships, whatever the issues are… Then a combination of energy work, chanting, trance and hypnosis work, and other tools and techniques to eliminate the root of the problem." You can find these techniques in a wide variety of meditative schools of thought. However, Elvina has managed to use them in a way that impacts his clients the most. Heightening his focus on the unconscious and working with clients to remove these blockages lets Elvina stand apart from many of his contemporaries.
Elvina believes strongly that "Mindset work is not enough. Accountability is not enough. You have to focus on change at the unconscious level." At this point in his life, Darryl Elvina has managed to find his true calling. As a shaman, Elvina has been initiated into the 28th generation unbroken lineage of Huna Hawaiian Shamanism, the foundation of all his work, and has become a certified Trainer and Master Practitioner of NLP and Hypnosis. His work has helped numerous clients break through themselves and achieve higher successes than they could've imagined. By keeping in touch with ourselves and being open to guidance, regardless of how esoteric it may seem to you, we all have the potential to break our own chains. Elvina has keys to many locks, and maybe you'll find yourself one day unlocked by his teaching, as long as you're open to it. You can find Darryl Elvina on social, here: Instagram Facebook Website
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Disillusionment, Discontentment, Disappointment, Discouragement, and Other Things that Start with D.
I feel at this point I’d be better off just typing it to release it into the ether of the internet— let it become a footnote to this distance I find between living and this forced survival I endure.
The hardest lesson I refuse to learn isn’t just growing older and finding that fairytales are just fairytales. No, worse still; life is cruelly and relentlessly bound to what society has demanded for centuries beyond today. Ancient decisions that have made it possible to call this job I sit at an “opportunity”. Real opportunities, the ones that dictate ones path, are so few and far in between, unless you are able to comfortably meld into what has been graciously given to you. Passed on.
Privilege like heirlooms; shining as faintly iridescent scales on the shimmering bodies of a school of koi in a pond. Their bodies rolling over each other with an aquatic, elusive fluidity under the surface of cool waters; mouths agape in hopes of any easy meal. Hand-fed by eager, pale hands. The most singular need is but to reach out and touch, not a worry or concern. Yet some face the reality that not all yards have such prosperity, where once there was a yard of hope, is now nothing more than overgrown bamboo and a fence unfinished. So many projects left to die, and memories left to burn.
Still they make do, and make more. They persist with a resilience that so many must muster in order to just barely survive by little more than the skin in their teeth. Creating new opportunities, and never looking a gift horse in the mouth. Every so often, their voices raising, their fists tight because injustice too is just a fact of life we must learn to live with— or else.
Meaning is so hard to find these days, for the past several years I’ve been fighting against my less rational self to find my way in the world. Smile. Nod. Eat shit. Smile. Never forget to smile more. Take what you’re given and never complain. Fight, but quietly. Day in and day out making myself smaller so that maybe, just maybe I will fit into a mold and create a life from it. After all it’s not like I have many prospects, not to be archaic but when I think of it honestly? My mother is more unwell by the day, my father is dead, and my family is so revolting that I couldn’t turn to them even if I was absolutely destitute. I have nothing but what I am able to do with my body and the parts of my mind that are still not plagued with some form of malaise.
Why can’t I just work everyday for the rest of my life? Exist in one place? Actually make roots? What makes me better than the environment I find myself in? A tree does not get to pick where it goes and yet…
It still grows. With nature as it’s guide, the seed becomes sapling, becomes stalk, becomes tree. Even a tree struck by lightning after the passing of enough seasons will beget new life; weeds growing around it’s scarred trunk, a natural syphon to water the saplings, vines, and various flora that grow around it. Perhaps it’s not a tree, no, but still something beautiful and green. A place that the female cardinal flies to each morning to perch and one day builds a nest within the bramble. A purpose fulfilled within the natural order even after disaster.
Yet. I am not a tree. I have an ego, pride, and ambition far beyond my means of what is within my grasp. Maybe this is why I often say If I could be anything, I would be a tree. At least then I would be part of an ecosystem, a living breathing element to a delicate balance. As it stands, I have only myself to rely on being so distant from any possible community I could belong to, which I think, is the worst possible feeling I have ever experienced. Worse than bitterness or resentment, but the complete lack of belonging. It’s a broken finger that I’ve never set correctly and allowed to heal in this horrid, mangled way yet I insist that it doesn’t ache each time it rains. Perhaps I’m being over-sentimental and nihilistic, and perhaps I’m just young. Over-eager. Impatient.
“Patience is a virtue.”
A quote that I’ve heard a thousand times over, and one that is constantly ringing in my damn head. Over and over and over again. The same patronizing tone that leaves a sour taste in my mouth like a stolen candy when you’ve gotten caught. Or worse, the gentle cadence without the overtly virtuous nature of the phrase itself. Hearing it then tastes like whiskey. Sharp. Bitter and smokey as you choke it down, but warm as it travels through you; a haze numbing the tips of your fingers and reigning in the wild horse that is your mind. Comforting as the truth of the matter sets in; what else is there to do but be patient?
Still I remain restless. Angry. Even a little petulant. I deserve more than why do I not have more? Oh, I am ruined beyond selfish and bratty, little more than a spoiled toddler with her feet swinging in defiance at the boundaries that have been set for her. The firm “No” that has been plainly stated which has only made my temperament that much more foul. I am so very angry, yet so sad at the same time. I’ve squandered my own potential in so many ways because of this anger. This impatience and perfectionism.
I wish I had been told sooner, that it is okay if my first attempt isn’t perfect. Perhaps then, I wouldn’t be so tired now. I would be able to give my heart freely, or stick to my projects without feeling inferior. Late. Behind. I’ll add for the sake of transparency; it has very little to do with my peers or any such comparison. Jealously really never has had a hold on me the way I’m so often accused of it by others. No, I fall victim to a demon far more damning than simply envy.
My own expectations.
Well… I suppose my mother’s expectations. A different story for a different time of exhaustion. Tonight I just yearn to be free from anonymity. I want to be part of something larger than myself that isn’t either a cult or a group of peoples who’s only common ground is hate.
I’ve been learning how to grow things, basic things like potatos and carrots. I daydream about having a warm, quiet home and a lemon tree in the corner that gets the most sunlight in the mornings. Waking up to the winter sun streaming through an eastern window, as the chill threatens to creep beneath the blankets. The vision of the person I love and trust the most in the final few moments of the golden hour, the sunlight capturing the willowy hairs around their face. My cat stretching out in front of the fire in his golden years. Maybe even a child of my own if my future is kind to me, but a home filled with love. Compassion. Honesty.
The mind boggles.
Yet for now it remains a dream, a fantasy for the dull moments where life fails to meet my expectations and I am left with pleasant non-memories of that which remains non-corporeal for now. Patience ever sinking it’s paralyzing claws into the very fabric of my being, forcing me to be content with what I have for now. Dreams haunting me like sirens at sea, I so often dream of water; storms, the ocean, rain, and tears. Impossibly tall buildings twisting like trees in the wind, like reeds swaying in storm-charged gales that sweep through invisible but wholly present. Bodies that my body and soul knows but not my eyes or head, mouths that speak so familiarly to me yet I only ever remember how I look reflected in their eyes.
“I am content with what I have.” I whisper to myself again, my eyelids sagging with a bone-deep exhaustion. An unspoken, rebellious “for now” left wandering behind gritted teeth and pursed lips, less Saturn chastise me for shirking the responsibility to my Self.
Let me be still— glassy, reflective, cold to the touch, so one day I may thaw in the rosy tint of a spring morning. I will be like water with ever-changing depths, with banks that prove of the life and complexity deep within.
de·cres·cent — di-ˈkre-sᵊnt
: becoming less by gradual diminution : DECREASING, WANING
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using sooo much effort every day to convince myself it’s okay that i don’t have a bunch of friends or the energy to wear cute outfits and take a million instagram pictures or be active on social media or have hobbies and it’s fine and i’m working on myself and i don’t need to be seen by others to exist :|
#it’s FINE#things are DIFFERENT right now bc i’m prioritizing my mental health#i only had those things before because i was putting them above healing#once i have HEALED i will be able to find ways to feel actually fulfilled and it will be FINE#yes i used to dress up every day and look unique but it made me so stressed to ever try to leave the house#it created a barrier of effort that prevented me from enjoying things#posting on instagram felt like an obligation and it made me feel like a product instead of a person#i’ve felt left out of my friend group for years and was only forcing my way back in because i felt like i was supposed to#or maybe i’m just depressed and the desire to socialize will come back#but either way it’s fine to not do stuff that makes me unhappy or upset!!!#ugh idk everything is weird and bad rn and i can’t tell if things are actually worse#or if i’m just finally looking at all my issues head on for the first time in my life
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Spoilers ahead for 362::
OK OK hold on
I saw a tiktok and this person brought up a... comforting idea or theory;
Best Jeanist is able to manipulate fibers. Many different types of fibers, including carbon fibers.
Now she theorized that maybe, just maybe, BJ could even control, or find that he can control, muscle fibers and the like. And therefore, be able to repair Katsuki's heart.
Even if not, is it maybe possible that he could repair with "splicing in" said carbon fibers? Thereby providing some sort of "patch job" to hold him over?
Together with that, once the heart is repaired, compressions could be given, and Mirio has just the Quirk to administer that, phasing through Katsuki's damaged chest and pumping the heart without damaging any of Katsuki's body further.
All they need, is a chance to be able to administer this care, uninterrupted, and IMMEDIATELY. And it's likely a temporary/emergency fix, he'd probably need more of a Healing Quirk to sort it out after the war, I'm not sure if Carbon Fibers could theoretically be used in the human body, BUT for the moment, it might work.
Edit: GREAT NEWS, Carbon fibers can be used in the human body, it seems, and "carbon fiber enhanced composites" have been used for healing bone fractures! and it apparently even stimulates healing better than metal :D
It could even add a layer of tension to the final fights when Izuku and Katsuki fight together, because Katsuki will be fighting with basically a "BAND-AID on a BULLET WOUND" and that would be something that effects him(and I'd be okay with that kind of being something that does come up, maybe even gives everyone a scare if he has heart trouble and collapses again after the defeat of AFO and supposedly the danger passes OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...and to play devil's advocate, if Katsuki really MUST die later, it would be more...acceptable if he's able to go while being held by Izuku instead, having just helped him defeat AFO, and getting to actually TALK TO EACH OTHER about their feelings, feeling fulfilled about what he was able to do instead of sad that he couldn't keep up with Izuku...Dying in Izuku's arms with a soft smile instead of the heart wrenchingly SAD way he has just died....I don't want him to die AT ALL, but at least that would be more satisfying than whatever the hell is happening right now...)
Anyway, I'm getting too deep into this, but: In theory, I think it might be a good possibility, assuming it fits in with BJ's quirk.
And how kind of Poetic would it be if Katsuki survives with a "patch" from his mentor possibly permanently inside him, whom he clearly respects, since he waited for months to tell his own Hero name to before anyone else?
It might just be enough to bring him back, practically, medically speaking, if they get it to work.
But I thought that was quite an interesting theory, thought I'd share.
#I am currently clinging to this theory like its the last life boat on the friggin titanic yall#It kinda makes sense and thats a comfort#bakudeku#if he HAS TO DIE I'd rather it be like this after his REAL Greatest moment#and WITH Izuku so they can have some damn CLOSURE for once DAMMIT#UGH#STill think he should live though#I'll die on the hill of wanting them to hero duo together#bnha spoilers#bnha 362#BEST JEANIST DO SOMETHING#I'm offering SOLUTIONS HORIKOSHI#please negotiate#please give us our gremlin back#we are begging
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